#generally his joy at the table is just So incredibly infectious

[trans-xianxian]

lou's reaction to the entire fig and ayda scene is sooooo delightful he's so fucking pumped the entire time 😭😭😭

[puckmeupfam]

Sap | Jeff Skinner

Word Count: 2287

Note: My autumnal aesthetic piece that I started in July. Title is based on the fact that this is entirely fluff without plot, and because it takes place in the Northeast with references to maple syrup, cider donuts, and leaf-peeping. 

Zipping your newly packed suitcase and pulling it off the bed, you heard the front door open signaling that Jeff arrived home from practice. It was a rare time when he had the weekend off. No games, no practices after the one he just finished, just free time which he chose to devote to spending with you. The two of you loved going on short trips whenever possible to escape the monotony of work and grocery shopping and Buffalo. Honestly, you could spend the weekend in Lackawanna and be happy as long as you were with Jeff. This particular weekend was special because it was now solidly fall. The temperatures were dropping. The leaves were changing. Swimsuits were being swapped out for sweaters. And golf was being replaced by hockey.

You had spent most of the summer in Markham. Coming from a smaller family, you were always enamored by Jeff’s. At this point, you honestly considered them to be your family, too. You loved talking to Jillian about her time in law school or asking Ben about his hockey career in Germany. It was also hilarious to watch the five siblings tease Jeff about his competitiveness or on-ice gaffs, but he was always a good sport about it and just laughed with bright red cheeks. You knew how much it meant to Jeff when he got to spend time with his family and experience that warmth and joy. The both of you were incredibly lucky that Buffalo isn’t too far away, but with his schedule, the uninterrupted summer was extra special.

As you were lost in your thoughts, you missed Jeff coming up the stairs and into your shared bedroom. His arms wrapped around your waist and his face found its way into the crook of your neck. The action brought an unconscious smile to your face as you leaned back into him.

“Whatcha thinking about?” he asked you, voice muffled against your skin as he lightly swayed. You shrugged in response, “We should probably get Andrea a birthday gift while we’re gone, something nice you know? Show we were thinking about her.” Jeff hummed in response. He rocked the two of you a bit before speaking, “Are you ready to leave?” You took a deep breath, inhaling his cologne. Turning your body to look him in the eye you smiled softly, “Almost,” you whispered, “we should probably get going before they decide they need you to individually kiss each fan.” This elicited a booming laugh from Jeff that you felt throughout your body, “The only person I’m kissing is you.”

After another minute of contentment, you shuffled him away from you to grab some chargers and last-minute necessities. He chuckled as he started pulling your suitcase down to the car, he knew how much you were looking forward to this trip. You had spent the last week researching and talking about all the spots you wanted to visit while you were away. Grabbing your purse and hoisting it over your shoulder you did a last-minute sweep of the house to make sure that everything was unplugged and you weren’t leaving candles lit or stovetops on. After your anxieties were quelled you went outside and joined Jeff in the car. He had already put your B&B into the GPS and he flashed you a large grin which you eagerly matched as he pulled out of the driveway.

This trip the two of you were going to Western Massachusetts. It was about a five and a half hour drive, probably longer since you knew you would be stopping for lunch and every state park that came your way. You synched your phone and started playing music, knowing that you had a playlist with the perfect ambiance. Jeff always teased you for making playlists for every mood, weather pattern, task, or aesthetic that came in your head. But when the soft chords came through the speakers and his fingers started a gentle tap against the steering wheel to the beat, you knew that it was appreciated.

In Buffalo, the weather was just cool enough that the seat warmers got turned on but not yet so cold that you were shivering. You were cruising down the highway, close to crossing city lines. When you glanced over at Jeff he had a small smile, like he wasn’t even thinking about it. Just watching the road with an underlying well of happiness. You took a minute to look at him, to take him in. His smile turned out to be infectious and you knew your face was probably spread with a dopey grin.

“You’re staring,” Jeff said, breaking the silence.

“You didn’t even look over. How would you know?” you complained.

“I could feel your stare,” he responded, looking over at you with a grin that took over his whole face. His statement made you burst out laughing. While the whole thing was funny and, you were sure that he really did get that weird feeling you get when someone’s looking at you, it made you think about how you were always so aware of each other. The two of you could be in a crowd of people at some Sabres bruncheon and someway somehow you could always glance up and see him already looking at you. Or when you would go to some team party, you always had a tendency to reach for each other’s hands at the same time.

“You would stare at you too,” was your response after you had realized that you went a few beats too long just staring into space.

It was Jeff’s turn to laugh, “what does that even mean?”

“It means,” you started, drawing out the word, “that you’re cute and potentially the embodiment of sunshine and everyone would stare at you if they could and I will simply not defend myself further.”

Jeff rolled his eyes at your dramatic tone and faux-seriousness. He swung his arm out over to you, holding it in the air until you grabbed his hand in both of yours. You pulled his hand into your lap and leaned further back into the passenger seat. Turning your head to the side to watch the city escape, your eyes unfocused and your brain turned to elevator music as your temple rested against the window. After a few minutes of contented silence, Jeff’s hand made its way to your thigh and squeezed, drawing your attention.

“Look at the leaves, babe,” he told you. The passing trees were dotted with warm-colored leaves of crimson, tangerine, marigold, and honey. It was absolutely gorgeous and seemed like a sign that your trip was only going to get better. You stared in awe for about a mile before you looked back at Jeff. His eyes flickered from the road to your face and the look he gave you, full of love and peace, made you feel so warm.

“They’re so pretty,” you said softly. You moved your hand to twine your fingers together and you watched his dimples come out in full force as he forced his eyes to stay on the road. After a few moments of contentment, you spoke again, “do you want me to tell you about the plant pigments that make these colors possible?”

Jeff chuckled, but you knew that your joke didn’t ruin the moment or anything else that you might think if you were talking to someone else. Because Jeff knew you, he loved you. He loved your bad jokes, your stories that you’ve already told him multiple times but just like telling again and again, the way you go into lectures to explain things that he had never thought twice about, your urge to talk during movies to comment on the scene or the actor’s personal life. He loved the best parts of you and he loved the worst parts of you. And this moment? Where you feel the light beaming out of your heart. It isn’t the moment. It’s just a moment in a string of hundreds of thousands of moments that you’ll experience with your favorite person.

--

After about two hours in the car, you were close to Syracuse and decided to stop for lunch. The two of you decided on a cute, local diner. Jeff parked the car and as you stepped out, you stretched your legs to rid yourself of the wobbly feeling from being in a car too long. The sidewalks were made of a red brick and there was a quiet hustle with people walking their dogs and couples going in and out of shops. The two of you walked side-by-side, but right when you were about to reach the door Jeff stepped ahead to hold it open for you. Stepping through you smiled at him and he followed you in. There seemed to be a typical lunch rush, but the restaurant wasn’t crowded. A waitress pointed you towards a booth and you slumped into it as Jeff sat across from you.

You both ordered coffees before cracking the menu open to see what they had. The pages were lined with different sandwiches, egg dishes, pancakes, and all the typical diner food that you loved. You settled on your order fairly quickly but Jeff scanned the pages until the coffees were brought out and the waitress was asking for your order. Handing her your menu, you explained what you wanted before both of you turned your attention towards your boyfriend.

“Could I have the brownie french toast?”

At that you raised your eyebrows at him incredulously. As the waitress walked away, scribbling your orders down as she went, Jeff looked back at you and laughed at your expression. “Cheat weekend,” was his explanation. He shrugged with an expression on his face like he was being forced to order what was likely the sugariest option on the menu. You threw your hands up to say you weren’t judging. Jeff quickly launched into a story about something Jack did at practice and that filled your wait until the food was brought to your table. Your boyfriend’s eyes widened comically when his food came out. It looked like there had been a blizzard of powdered sugar. It was topped with a whopping pile of whipped cream and a generous amount of rainbow sprinkles, just in case the brownie batter wasn't sweet enough.

Neither of you wasted any time in diving into your food and when you glanced up at Jeff after a few minutes you giggled when you saw that some of that whipped cream had ended up on his nose. You stealthily pulled out your phone to snap a picture of him. Once he heard the click of your camera he looked up at you which reignited your laughter.

“What?” he asked, chuckling lightly with you even without knowing the reason.

Without explaining yourself, you just reached out and swiped the sweet substance off his face before licking it off your finger. His response was just a sharp laugh with rolled eyes, head thrown back a bit at your antics. He knew full well that you were going to tease him for a long time for his choice of ridiculously confectionary lunch. You returned to your food with a shake of your head, but when you turned to take a sip of your coffee you noticed that Jeff had absolutely demolished his plate of french toast and was now trying to collect the remnant of whipped cream with his fork.

“It’s not going to be my fault when you crash from all that sugar,” you told him. He watched you dig your teeth into your lip to try and conceal the smile that was threatening to break through.

“Honestly, (Y/N), I’ve never felt better in my life. The sprinkles fuel me. I think I’ll make this my pre-game meal,” Jeff said with an air of seriousness. Sadly for him, but luckily for you, he had a genetic inability to suppress his smiles. You leaned back in the booth until your head hit the pleather upholstery and kicked your feet up to rest in his lap underneath the table.

“Don’t overwhelm yourself, I’m taking you to the Sugar Shack tomorrow and we’re getting the cider donuts.”

Jeff pulled a shocked and aghast face in response, “How dare you insinuate that I would ever be anything other than thrilled at the very prospect of cider donuts? You know, just because you said that I’m going to get two orders and we’ll see what you say when I eat those and yours too.”

You rolled your eyes so dramatically that you knew, if your mom were there, she would be telling you that they’d get stuck like that. Under the table, you kicked your legs up to rest in Jeff’s lap as he waved his arm to flag down the waitress for the bill. You sat quietly, just watching as he went through the monotony of thanking the waitress and putting his card in the sleeve of the bill. When he looked back at you, he smiled knowing that he caught you staring for the second time that day.

“You ready?” He asked you. A simple question, given that you were on a roadtrip with a predetermined destination. But with the opportunity to just appreciate him and your relationship, without the stress of your schedules or outside influences, it just felt meaningful. There was no one you would rather be with, during the happiest moments of your life or the worst. You felt a little misty with the joy of having him by your side.

“With you? Always.”

Pulling yourself out of the booth, you extended your hand for him to grasp and continued onwards.

[tedwoodward]

Harsh Words

a Bill/Ted breakup fic

i made this post a while back that sparked a fic

Notes: this is entirely angst i’m so sorry, pre-canon, strangers to friends to lovers to exes in just 3k words!

Summary:

He wasn’t always this way. In fact, it may be hard to believe, but Ted Richards used to be known as a nice person.

In October of 2014 he started a job at CCRP Technical. Ted was a sweet man, always there with a smile and a listening ear. He asked about people’s weekends and seemed to genuinely care about their lives.

And then he met Bill Fisher. And resulting from that, in early 2016, just over a year later, Ted’s personality did a 180. Yes, you read that right. The reason for Ted’s shift in attitude came in the form of Bill. Yes, Bill, the sweet man constantly seen gushing about his daughter, the man who never has a harsh word to say about anyone. That Bill. Or, at least, that’s what Ted Richards would tell you.

Warnings: very brief mention of alcoholism; disagreements and a large argument

Read on ao3

He wasn’t always this way. In fact, it may be hard to believe, but Ted Richards used to be known as a nice person.

In October of 2014 he started a job at CCRP Technical. Ted was a sweet man, always there with a smile and a listening ear. He asked about people’s weekends and seemed to genuinely care about their lives.

And then he met Bill Fisher. And resulting from that, in early 2016, just over a year later, Ted’s personality did a 180. Yes, you read that right. The reason for Ted’s shift in attitude came in the form of Bill. Yes, Bill, the sweet man constantly seen gushing about his daughter, the man who never has a harsh word to say about anyone. That Bill. Or, at least, that’s what Ted Richards would tell you.

Ted had only heard about Bill’s divorce through the office grapevine, which he was not prone to listening to, but there’s only so much you can do to not hear the gossip in the break room. Ted felt for him. His sister had gone through a nasty divorce a few years prior, and he knew how hard the whole process had been for her, especially with the kids involved. He hadn’t planned on approaching the man, but when Bill had been having a rough day and had a minor burst of frustration in the break room due to the coffee machine acting up again, resulting in a loud bang as the side of his fist connected with the counter, Ted couldn’t stand by and not reach out.

The man had nearly collapsed into a chair at the table next to the counter, all the fight having left him in his outburst.

Ted slowly approached him, “Hey… Bill, right?”

Bill looked up from where his hand was supporting the weight of his head and nodded with a small, tired smile, “Yeah. I’m sorry, I don’t know your name. Are you new?”

Ted took a seat across from the man and smiled, “Yep! Just started last week.”

Bill found himself smiling back at the man; wow, he was infectious.

“Well, welcome! And sorry about earlier,” he mumbled, waving a hand in the general direction of the counter, “I’ve been running on caffeine for way too long, and I’m starting to crash. We really need a new coffee maker. I’m so sick of this one breaking all the time.”

He sounded so exhausted, Ted couldn’t help but offer assistance.

“Hey, if that’s the case I don’t mind making a run to Starbucks or something. What can I get ya?”

Bill was taken aback. This guy was too nice! “You don’t have to get me anything!”

Ted waved him off, “I gotta get my own caffeine fix somehow, and if that’s kaputt, I don’t mind grabbing something for you as well.”

Bill was no match for Ted’s generosity, and, with a wink and a promise to return with the fuel they needed to get through the rest of the day, the man disappeared. And Bill couldn’t help but smile after him.

The two became fast friends. It was nice to have someone around who was so caring, and that went both ways. Ted supported Bill through the tough days, and he shared stories about his sister and her kids whenever Bill worried about Alice being caught up in the divorce. Bill helped Ted settle into his new environment and worked as hard as he could to make him feel included around the office, knowing how a new workplace could be ostracizing. They fit really well together.

Naturally, it just kind of evolved into something more. Without realizing it, Bill and Ted started spending much more time together than expected. They stumbled into a relationship one evening after accidentally falling asleep while watching a movie together after work one Friday. The two men woke up with Bill’s head on Ted’s shoulder. After a brief moment of semi-awkwardly staring, trying to read each other’s thoughts, Bill kissed Ted.

Ted let Bill set the pace for their relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to rush right into things, and Bill’s mental health was much more important than anything else to Ted.

Things Bill learned about Ted:

(1) He cares so much.

(2) He can read Bill so well and immediately knows when the other is having a rough day.

(3) Ted was kicked out of the house as soon as he turned 18 and was no longer considered his parents’ responsibility. The only family he keeps in touch with is his sister.

(4) Ted secretly loves musicals, but it wasn’t until a few weeks in as Ted was dropping Bill off at home after date night that the latter recognized Jekyll & Hyde playing through the car stereo, and Ted confessed to his deep, dark secret.

(5) Ted can be a cynic at times.

(6) He gets protective over things that mean a lot to him (for future reference: do NOT poke fun at his favorite movies because he will refuse to speak to you for at least a day and only accept your apology after making you listen to his explanation about why you are Wrong).

Things Ted learned about Bill:

(1) He has so much love.

(2) When he gets excited he is the most adorable sight Ted has ever seen.

(3) He’s not the biggest fan of alcohol due to witnessing the effects of alcoholism on a family member when he was younger.

(4) If you mention something you enjoy, Bill will become an expert on it just so you can bond and have someone to talk to who understands what you’re saying.

(5) His ex-wife had Alice while they were in college, and they had stopped loving each other a while before the divorce. Bill had only wanted to stay together for Alice’s sake.

(6) His love for Alice far outweighs any other power on earth.

And that’s where things got a bit rocky.

Not to say that Ted didn’t like Alice, he was just really protective of Bill. The amount of love that man put out into the world was incredible, but it also made him vulnerable. Ted didn’t want to see him hurt, and he was scared to see what was happening with Alice.

Bill only had Alice with him for a week every month, but his world revolved around her when she was with him. It was adorable to see how excited he was to spend time with his daughter. What wasn’t adorable to Ted was hearing about how much she obviously didn’t even care and how little she paid attention to her dad the entire week.

The first day after Alice left to go back to Clivesdale Bill was always sobered, no longer his usual, happy self. Ted would be there for him, and Bill would recount his time with his daughter. What stuck out as wrong to Ted was how much love Bill poured into his child and how little he got back.

Bill defended her. She’s a teenager trying to navigate life with the addition of a divorced family, it’s hard for her. No teenager wants to spend all week hanging out with their lame dad! (“You’re not lame, Bill.” “Try telling that to a 14 year old.”) He understands. He’s not going to stop loving his daughter because she acts her age.

But Ted doesn’t get it. How could she not see the incredible father in front of her? She treats him like crap and ignores him half the time. She doesn’t deserve Bill.

A few months in, Ted told him this much, and that was the beginning of the end. Their relationship began to deteriorate. Bill couldn’t understand how Ted could say those things about a kid, about someone he loved with his whole heart, his source of joy since college. And Ted’s opinion on Alice persisted in the back of Bill’s mind.

The two started getting into arguments much more often. Bill started to see how Ted took “caring” and “protective” too far. Mixed with Ted’s cynicism, Bill was starting to see how stubborn the other man was. And they found that Alice was a topic Bill would never back down on, regardless of his usual demur response to conflict.

The pair noticed this change, of course they did. And they tried to work through it. Bill began inviting Ted along to the activities he planned with his daughter, hoping he would begin to understand and start to love Alice as much as he did. And Ted agreed to give it a go. He really loved Bill and would do anything to mend their issues, and he truly did want to see the good in Alice. Ted tried to bite his tongue and not judge the girl too harshly. He didn’t dare lash out at her when she gave her father attitude (he wasn’t a monster, he's not about to make a 15 year old cry), but it stuck with him all night and ate away at his mind and his heart so much that he couldn’t hold it in. After Alice had gone to her room for the night Bill walked Ted out to his car to say goodbye.

“I had a really nice time tonight. Thank you for being so great with Alice. You are an incredible partner, and this really shows how much you care. I really appreciate you trying.”

“Bill,” Ted sighed. They both knew what was coming. “How do you do it? You are so loving. How can you just accept the way she treats you?” His tone was soft, his eyebrows scrunched in concern. “She was so dismissive the entire time. It’s not fair that you had to carry every conversation with her and only got attitude back. It’s been eating at me all night. I don’t know if I can listen to her treat someone I love like that.”

The pair stood there with tears in their eyes, holding hands as they silently gazed at each other.

“She’s a teenager, Ted. Every kid is like this at some point, and I’m sure the divorce has just made it even worse for her. But she’s here, isn’t she? She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t care about me. She could easily just stay in Clivesdale, but she comes and visits me. I have to give my daughter love and support, Ted, especially during this time of her life, otherwise what kind of father would I be? A few moments of sass and attitude aren’t going to spoil my love for her.”

Ted seemed to take in what Bill had said. It was clear where Bill stood, and it was up to Ted if he could accept it or not. The couple embraced, and Ted made his way home.

The split didn’t come till another month or so later. The two were once again at Bill’s for movie night, somewhat of a Friday night tradition since they first got together. The movie had finished, and the pair were discussing what they had just watched. Once again, Ted absolutely refused to hear Bill out on the reason he enjoyed the protagonist as a character.

“He has such an annoying arc! Who gives a shit about the fucking love triangle? They spent half the movie focusing on who was going to end up together than they did on the actual plot line!”

“But would you rather he have no personal life outside his job? It gives him humanity to have to juggle both situations. Yeah, it’s a bit cheesy that all the issues climax at the same time—”

“I just think it’s stupid.”

“Okay then, how would you have written it differently and still given the characters believability? If you take out the romantic subplot, you lose the chance to see his soft side in addition to his brooding, professional—”

“Well, they just took it too far—”

“Are you gonna let me talk?” Bill asked.

A beat landed silently between the pair.

“What?”

Another beat as the two looked at each other.

“Are you gonna let me talk?” Bill repeated. “This entire conversation you’ve steamrolled over all of my points and refused to let me even finish my thoughts before telling me why I’m wrong.”

“I never said you’re wrong. I just have a strong opinion on this movie.”

“On this movie? What about all the other times we’ve been in this exact situation? Every time we have differing opinions on something you don’t seem to care about my thoughts.”

“Of course I care!” Ted exclaimed defensively. “I’m sorry if I monopolize the conversation, you know I talk too much. Just stop me if you have something to say.”

“But it’s not monopolizing, you just refuse to listen to me. You never give any counter-arguments other than the fact that it was ‘stupid’ or ‘annoying’ or whatever. You’re so stubborn about everything that you refuse to even listen to my opinion when it’s different from yours.”

“I’m not stubborn!”

“Yes, you are! You are relentless when you have an opinion, and you always have an opinion.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Fuck, I didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to have my own opinions. I didn’t realize I wasn’t allowed to be fucking passionate about something.”

The tension in the room was ramping up as the two men started getting angrier.

“You can be as passionate as you want, but—”

“But only about certain things, right? I can’t be passionate about a movie, I can’t be passionate about the way dishes are washed,” Ted began to list, memories from past arguments resurfacing. “I can’t be passionate about my partner’s toxic relationship with his daughter—”

“Don’t you dare bring my daughter into this,” Bill warned.

“Oh, that’s rich. Sorry for caring about you. Sorry for not wanting you to be taken advantage of by an asshole teenager who wouldn’t give two shits if you solved all life’s problems for her. I didn’t realize there was a limit on how much I’m allowed to care about you!”

Their voices were raising. They hadn’t gotten into an argument this explosive before, and they both felt it. But neither of them could back down.

“Don’t you say those things about her. You don’t even know her! You never even tried to care for her. Once you got the idea in your head that she wasn’t worthy of my love, I knew you wouldn’t be persuaded. I hoped and dreamed and tried to get you to see what I see, but you’re too stubborn. You’d never change! You can love more than one person, Ted. Didn’t you know that? My love for Alice does not detract from my love for you, but you know what does? Your jealousy and your manipulation and your bullying of my teenage kid!”

Ted scoffed, “Ha! Jealou— manipulation?” Harsh laughs accompanied his words. “Bill! All I ever wanted was for you to see that there are some people who will take and take your love and use it for their own fucking advantage and will never return it no matter how much care you show them.” His tone turned much darker. “Those people do not deserve your love, but you’re too blinded to see that no matter how much you try, you’re never going to get that perfect father-daughter relationship you want with Alice. Okay? She doesn’t. Fucking. Care.”

The two men stood there, breathing heavy and minds racing as they fiercely stared at each other.

Bill tried to compose himself and spoke with an uneven voice, “You’re an asshole, Ted. We’re done, now get out of my house. I should have ended this forever ago.” He strode past the other, cleaning up the dishes from the table next to them.

“Excuse me?” Ted followed the other man into the kitchen, trying to catch up after being taken aback by his words.

“I said, ‘we’re done’. Grab your crap and get out of here.” Bill refused to look at Ted as he washed the dishes from their dinner. “You can’t talk about my daughter like that. I don’t know why I allowed it for so long.”

Ted stared at Bill for a few moments, and when he got no other response or acknowledgement from the man he let out a deep, angry sigh. “Okay, yeah, whatever,” he clipped.

Ted stormed from the kitchen, shoved his feet into his shoes, grabbed his jacket and bag from the living room, and slammed the door on his way out.

Work was tough. It’s hard to be employed at the same office as your recent ex, if only due to the gossip. Anger was still stewing in both of them at the sight or mere mention of the other, so naturally the entire office knew what had happened by the end of the work day the following Monday.

Bill found solace in Paul who immediately supported his reasoning for the breakup.

Of course Paul would take his side, Ted thought, why wouldn’t he? Why wouldn’t the whole office? They all knew Bill much longer than they had known Ted. He’d only worked there for a year, so how much did they really know about his true character? Bill, on the other hand, was a sweetheart. After dealing with a difficult divorce and now a fresh breakup? ‘That poor man,’ they’d all think. Ted fumed.

Everyone was going to take Bill’s side. They’re going to hear all about how Ted was a heartless asshole who hates children, is desperate for attention, and doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings.

You know what? Fine.

Fine. If that’s what everyone expects him to be, then that’s what Ted is going to be. There’s no use trying to get on his coworkers’ good sides when it’s his word against Bill Fisher’s. No. If Bill thinks he’s an asshole, well, all the more reason to become one. There’s no way Ted was going to go through that again. No more wearing his heart on his fucking sleeve. Obviously he’s too passionate when he cares about things, so it looks like he’ll just no longer care about anything. So no matter what fucking bullshit Bill decides to spread around about the breakup, there’s no more reputation to destroy. No, Ted gets to do that himself. That’s one thing he knows he has control over.

[madcapmoon]

MacKayes are woven together, through punk rock and beyond

Alec, Amanda and Ian MacKaye, exclusive 2019 photo by Allen Beland.

By Andy  

 Sunday, March 10, 2019 With dad taking his spot, front and center at the stove, the MacKaye family dinner is a vital Sunday fixture in their schedules in the Washington, DC, area. Whipping up vegan delights, the elder MacKaye is a culinary threat as he grips onto cooking utensils instead of a microphone or guitar that his children -- Ian, Alec and Amanda -- have wielded during their time on stage with their various bands over the years. This is where the MacKayes thrive, as a family, more than they do anywhere else in their lives. "For us, the MacKayes, we all still hang out with each other," said Amanda, 49. "It wasn't temporary. A lot of people when they get to this stage of life, their siblings are far-flung or they don't really get along with their siblings or whatever. A lot of this is just part of who our family is, we have Sunday dinners, we're together. We have one sister who lives on the other side of the country, but we're all still connected. And we're all still into whatever the other one is doing. We're all still pretty interested in each other." Currently, Ian, Alec, older sister Katie and their dad Bill all live in DC; Amanda (the youngest) resides in nearby Arlington, Va.; and another older sister Susannah calls Oakland, Ca., her home. Ian said it was a treat to have Susannah back on her home turf of DC this weekend to celebrate her birthday. Ian, 56, noted that his parents were only children, so the MacKaye siblings grew up without any uncles, aunts or cousins. They learned from and inspired each other along their life paths, which eventually led them toward punk rock and embracing the idea of residing outside of the mainstream. He laughs about the MacKayes being a weird family that way. They're close-knit to the core. "We are the MacKayes. Especially our mom, she really emphasized, we are a family," said Ian of mother Ginger, who passed away in 2004. "We're fifth-generation Washingtonians. My mom was born here and it was just important to her this idea of being Washingtonian. I think we're just committed to each other. We're a family and there's times where people get steamed with each other about something, but we never have like the awkward Thanksgiving nonsense. But partially because we see each other almost every Sunday for dinner anyway." If the conversation roams toward music at the family meal, Katie can certainly chime in about taking Ian to his first concert, featuring Queen and Thin Lizzy in 1977. Ian noted that Katie always possessed cool records and was ahead of her peers in the music game. She wasn't a punk, but was a proponent of going to see live music of all sorts, including arena-rock bands and tunes with a faster bent like witnessing the Ramones with Ian in 1979. Katie still attends gigs, and aside from venturing into the music scene, she's voyaged across the country twice on her bike. She's a badass, Ian said. Alec, 52, remembers Katie toting a clutch of records back from England around Christmastime in the late '70s. Generation X, Eddie and the Hot Rods, the Damned and a 10-inch sampler featuring X-Ray Spex were soon blasting throughout the household. "The moment I heard it, I was just clocked in. It was the best thing I had ever heard," Alec said. Ian was a self-proclaimed Ted Nugent "Double Live Gonzo" devotee before latching onto punk music a few months before Alec in '79 or so, thanks to his high school friend Bert Queiroz lending him some Sex Pistols, Damned, Clash and Tuff Darts records. "I had to really get in on it and think about it 'cause I was so puzzled by the whole thing. But I gotta say, it clicked and I was like, 'Oh, I'm in, I love this stuff,'" said Ian, who remembers debating with kids in high school about whether punk sucked or not. When Ian cut his hair, he recalls rocker Alec and his friends teasing him about the new look. Soon, Ian and Alec would be a punk duo, delving into the music together, attending gigs in DC and performing in bands like the Slinkees, Teen Idles, Untouchables, Faith, Minor Threat and more. Further down the road, Embrace, Ignition and Fugazi would continue to put the MacKayes and DC on the map.

Little sister Amanda got in on the punk action as well. It wasn't just the music that spoke to the MacKayes, it was the surroundings that punk offered and a way for them to click with family and the other like-minded people they encountered. Amanda's entrance onto the scene occurred at age 9 and was captured in a classic photo of her and Katie watching the Slinkees play a garage gig in August of '79. Amanda laughs when the photo, featured in the book "Dance of Days," is mentioned. "It was like a lightning-bolt moment for me. The funniest part of the memory for me is that Kim Kane of Slickee Boys, he was just so kind, he is so bright in my memory of that show. It's just interesting to think about the fact that of all the things to remember about that moment, it is someone I wasn't even related to," she said.

A young Amanda, center, with Katie behind. From "Dance of Days."

While she doesn't remember any of the music, "I remember, and this is probably sort of like the core of my feeling about punk, is I just  remember the freedom and the intimacy. I think I was wearing a Johnny Rotten button, but it was a homemade one that Ian or Alec had made. You're in a garage, there's not like a real stage, just running around with people I didn't know who were happy to see me. We're all just there and there's like this joy, which is what I think of, that sensation is what sort of propels me in every aspect of my personal definition of punk. It's wrapped with this joy." For Alec, dipping his boots into shows in the punk realm marked both an advancement into his formative teen years and a punch of chaos into his musical tastes. "I think I liked the intimacy of it all. Before that, I had just been to see arena rock, some of the huge bands like Queen and Santana and large-scale things. Then going to smaller shows was really the ticket for me -- it still is," said Alec, who mentioned attending small shows by Bad Brains, Slickee Boys, Tru Fax and the Insaniacs at first, and bigger ones with the Cramps, Damned, Clash and B-52s. The energy of those shows was infectious. "I really was digging on that abandon, you could really lose yourself in the music. Everybody else was on the same page and it didn't seem like it was very well-controlled and that part was super exciting for me. That was what I was responding to right away," Alec said. Alec began his punk transformation on the clothes and hair front in middle school and said that people thought he was a nerd or a freak. At age 14 and now in high school, he joined his first band, the Untouchables. He's still singing today with Hammered Hulls and Ian plans on taking them into the studio soon. On initially getting up on stage, shouting out lyrics and bouncing his body all over the place, Alec said, "I was pretty introverted before that, and I still am in a certain sense, but I also became an extrovert by being in a band and not being afraid to be standing on stage and doing things that a lot of people would not be up for. I was up for it, 'cause it gave me license to act out in ways that were just fun. So that was a big change for me. With punk rock, it felt like I had a new persona and had a little bit more vigor." Ian's mind was blown when he saw the Cramps play in DC in '79. It was his first punk show and was a seminal event for the area's punks. "I thought it was incredible. The first show was the Cramps and that was complete chaos and really, really exciting and so dangerous feeling and terrifying," he said. "At that point, I had seen Queen twice and Nugent three times, and they were all arena shows, so my relationship with music was really, when you saw bands, you saw them in that kind of setting, and bands were, as you know, unapproachable in that setting." The Cramps show in a hall at Georgetown University was wall-to-wall packed with punks. And it was nuts. "(The Cramps) were so in your face and everybody was really losing their shit. People were jumping up and down," said Ian, noting that as the sold-out show progressed, the long tables that people were standing on soon began to break and he could see "human formations descending into the crowd." People also were seen squeezing through transom-style windows to get into the fray. "Punk was wide open, and I just wanted to get in," Ian said. "It was instantly just on, so I felt it was great. Super engaging. It was like you're walking down the street and you find a box, and you go, 'That's an interesting box,' and you bring it home and when you open it, it's a box of infinite learning -- and I'm still learning." "Some people in the world think of life in terms of phases and then there's other people who think of it in terms of flights of stairs, and that's I think where we're at," he added about the MacKayes. Ian's still got the Evens, a two-piece with him on guitar/vocals and his spouse Amy Farina on drums, in the back pocket but they haven't been active lately. Another band with Joe Lally on bass, Farina on drums and Ian on guitar/vocals is nameless at this point and they have a record in the bag and awaiting a future release. They played two gigs last November, but the band is on hold until Lally returns from tour with the Messthetics, which also features former Fugazi drummer Brendan Canty.

Ignition

For Ian, after the seeing the Cramps, he felt that what they were doing was pretty straight forward and so he got the Slinkees happening. "I wanna be in a band, I just wanted to play music. I wasn't then and I still don't think of it as a career. To me, I just wanna play music. I just do the do, I just work with what's in front of me," he said. That Slinkees garage show, with his family members in the crowd, kicked things off and the MacKayes have never stopped. The punk ethos still rings true. The idle teens are adults with children and they continue to make an impact in the music world and on the people they encounter in their day-to-day lives. Their family is your family. We're all in it together. "I honestly wasn't thinking about sort of the juxtaposition of me as an audience member or me as a performer because that's kind of the point, they're not that different. We're making a show together, that's what we're doing, the audience and the bands," Ian said. Alec knew he would be a punk-rock lifer from the get-go. "I gotta say that there never was even a doubt in my mind. I have known people in my life that, 'that's a closed chapter,' they move on, they grow up, they put away childish things or whatever. I think when I got into punk rock, in my head it was a forever thing that I would be 120, if I ever live that long, and still be doing it, on some level, I just didn't know how," he said. "So that's been a thing that as you go through life, navigating how you can still relate to it and how it can work in your life. It just stayed with me, I never stopped listening to music and I like the energy." "It's a feeling and it's real as they say, as I said in a previous band," laughed Alec, who works full time in an art museum and thrives on learning about history, philosophy and cultural things. He also gets to travel the world, and recently attended a hardcore show in Tokyo while his art colleagues took in different sights. Some things never change, right? Keep your key in the ignition of life and go wherever the fuck you want. "It's astonishing to me that when I was in Tokyo, there was a flier for a Faith/Void re-release. To me, it's been almost 40 years of doing stuff and it just keeps going," Alec continued. On a recent day, I walked into a Barnes & Noble and saw a Minor Threat record with the first two EPs at the front of the M rack. Alec sits on the cover with his head buried in his arms. It's an iconic image that I first witnessed when I purchased the original red 7-inch at Zed Records in Long Beach, Ca., in 1981.

Alec said that someone recently showed him a photo of that image emblazoned on someone's back as a tattoo. "That particular image is not me, it's anybody. That's the one that the  everyman punker can relate to. Yes, it's a trip to see that everywhere still. It's really got legs," he said. Like a lot of us who got into the punk scene back in the early '80s, those early MacKaye bands had a major impact on Amanda. As a youngster, she had those tunes at her fingertips, literally right when the tapes came hot from the studio into their home music deck. Lives were changed when the play button was pressed. "They were my older brothers and I already looked up to them and tried to do whatever they were doing. I found the whole thing instantly exciting. The energy of it was just hypnotic for me and I immediately sort of gravitated to it," Amanda said. "My parents played a lot of records and my mom played piano. There was other music, we didn't really listen to mainstream radio that much. I definitely was aware of 'mainstream rock,' but really at a very early age, like 10-11-12, I was in a conflict with my peer group because I was listening to Minor Threat and they were listening to (mainstream music)." "Some of the general-population music stuck with me, but mostly I was sort of in an instant weirdo zone because when I was trying to get people to listen to my Walkman, it was Minor Threat and they were like, 'Eww. Why?'" she added with a laugh. "Some of the 'why?' for me was that I was totally awestruck by my brothers and I was super proud of them and wanted to tell everyone like, 'No. No. No. I'm related to these people.'" Like family members do, the self-proclaimed tomboy gravitated toward whatever Ian and Alec got their hands on: football and baseball cards and muscle-car Hot Wheels because Alec made models of those vehicles. Amanda, who these days works at a public high school with her husband, said that as a child, "I think that I always sort of felt like outside the circle. I felt like our family just didn't look like everybody else's family, we did things that were a little bit different." She tried to fit in with the other kids by playing soccer in elementary school, but she was admittedly a terrible player and hated the experience. Kids were mean to boot. "I couldn't wrap myself into it and maybe that added into why when I saw this group of people in this garage, who were like, 'Oh, hey, you're outside just like us,' maybe that's why it felt so good," she said of the Slinkees gig. "I'm still attracted to that warm embrace that punk rock gave to me as a young child. I love it when I find bands that are just warm from the get-go. You meet them and you feel like you've known them for a long time, or they play music and you just feel like, 'Oh, yeah, this feels right.'" Following in her brothers' footsteps, she formed her first band, The Headaches, as a pre-teen and they performed in living rooms. A quick insight into the experience was their theme song was ripped off from The Monkees and they had personas (she was the tough, cool person who looked like one of the Blues Brothers). Her punk path became more serious when she formed Sammich Records in high school and released an EP by her friends Lunchmeat and Mission Impossible and then many more records to follow. Ian helped her configure the label since he had experience on his side with Dischord rolling strong (Amanda and Alec also worked at Dischord for a awhile). At age 20, she began singing in Desiderata and later performed with the Routineers.

For the last 14 years, Amanda has booked shows at Fort Reno Park in DC, the spot where the MacKayes saw some of their first concerts. She likens the free outdoor shows to an incubator for bands to give it a shot and play out. She's received feedback that people are thankful their kids can see them play and see music and be able to expose their kids to something that drives them forward, she said. "I jokingly refer to it all the time as a labor of love. But it's actually much more serious for me than that, because at this point in the music industry or however you want to discuss it, the opportunity for people under the age of 21 or even 18 to see live music un-influenced by anything else is very rare in this area. It's like a dinosaur. I feel extremely emotionally  bound to do this because that's what helps me sort of dial in on what was important to me," said Amanda, adding that most venues -- aside from art spaces -- serve alcohol and have video or pinball games that infringe on the true musicality of the shows. "It's really really hard to find a pure experience where you're seeing music and that's all you're seeing. You're with your friends or your family or just with like-minded people. So, I'm pretty impassioned about keeping it going," she said of the Fort Reno gigs,

Heaps of music and crucial life lessons that they gained through the punk scene remains with the MacKayes. As they gather for the Sunday meals and for Susannah's birthday, the conversations are sure to be lively and insightful. The MacKaye children of today will have enough of their parents' stories and anecdotes to last them a lifetime, and they'll feed off those discussions and create vital paths of their own and experiences to pass on as well. "I suppose it's what I didn't learn that's kept me free," Alec said. "I'm pretty resistant to being led away from the things that I cherish. I didn't learn to grow up and be completely conventional, even though there's been plenty of peer pressure from adults. It's a cliche, but it's true, that you really need to stay true to the things that serve you best, and I've continued to do that." "I have two daughters and that's another moment where I just didn't know what that was gonna be like, being a father," Alec added. "I wasn't really afraid of being a father, I was afraid of being a member of the village. You know, they always say it takes a village to raise a child... to me, the village just fucking bothers me and they should just go raise their own children and stay outta my face. That was something I was worried about, but I found out there's other villagers that feel the same way, so that was a relief. I can be a father that isn't like the ones that you think are perfect, and that's OK, and my kids love that about me." For Amanda, she forever enjoys watching Ian and Alec perform and says it's a cool feeling to be still walking her own path. "At this point in my life, it doesn't hurt to be different. When I was 12, it was really complicated and painful for me that all the kids in the neighborhood thought I was weird and I didn't really have any friends, except for Josh who introduced me to Joan Jett, which was incredible 'cause it's still very prominent for me," said Amanda, who's still in touch with Josh. She's thankful for remaining true to herself since the day she stepped into the garage with Katie to watch Ian and the Slinkees. The high school she works at has a staff spirit week on tap and they're asking people to dress like they did in high school. Amanda and I laugh: "Same." (Except that she doesn't wear leather anymore, so that jacket of yore won't make an appearance.) Alec jokes that Ian's the ultimate storyteller of the family. He remembers occurrences with exact dates and years and relays the information in great detail, with verve and a dose of humor. Through the punk scene, the trio of MacKayes -- Ian, Alec and Amanda -- have woven themselves together. "In the '70s and the early '80s, there was a lot of chaos in our family, with our parents, and I think that punk probably was something that was very anchoring for us," Ian said. "And I think the three of us especially, really that was an important connection. It was something that we could feel committed to and it was a safe thing."

There’s Something Hard In There Blog

[avi-stella]

Let Him Dream

RATING: General | GENRE: Hurt/Comfort/Fluff | 2,034 words SUMMARY: Young Saeran has a dream of a pleasant family. A/N: My full piece for the @saeranzine. It was a huge honour being able to participate in such a fun project with a multitude of talented and amazing people and share our love for Saeran! A big thank you to the mods for organizing this zine, to the contributors for a pleasant experience, and to everybody who supported it!

It's only in the dead of night that the Choi twins can properly feel like they're alive . The night is their time. It is only when the city has gone to sleep that the young children are able to breathe , a momentary reprieve from the hardships of the waking day with the person they call their mother.

The bedroom is dark, and the air is stifling, but the twins tolerate it since they still have each other. Their room acts as both a haven and a prison, separated from their cruel reality.

But despite everything, the Choi twins find a sense of comfort when nestled together underneath their thin blanket. It's a simplistic fort of sorts, nothing more than a mere cloth draped over their small figures, but to the two young boys, it becomes their own world. In that small world, nobody can disturb them. In there, there only exists small flecks of happiness that Saeran can store away in his memories to drown out his sorrow.

Both Saeyoung and Saeran lie flat on their stomachs on the bed that's far too hard to be called anything close to comfortable. In front of them is a children's storybook, something lent from the kind man named V during one of the twins' small escapades. It's relieving to Saeran that in his small and childish world that there exists an adult that cares for him.

Saeran listens with rapt attention at the words that Saeyoung reads for him, the pages barely illuminated by the flashlight in his small hand. The flashlight can't even compare to the absolute brilliance in the children's eyes as they're pulled further into the story; however, compared to his brother, Saeran's eyes shine brighter and appear more awestruck. Unlike Saeyoung, Saeran leans more towards being a dreamer. He knows and understands that he can't find the courage and lacks the proper strength to act unlike his brother who does so much for him, and so, the boy remains stuck in his childlike imaginations and dreams.

Once the drowsiness starts to kick in, the pair decide to put away the book for now and go to sleep. They make themselves as comfortable as they can, finding solace in their twin's constant presence beside them.

Saeran's eyes flicker over to the window that's too small to provide a view of the real sky he loves so much, and a tiny sigh leaves his lips. He shifts around on the bed, his mind still occupied by the story they just read.

It was a simple enough story about a happy family. There was nothing outstanding about it as the story merely went through the everyday happenings of a quaint family, but even so, it made Saeran's chest feel all warm and fuzzy, heart swelling with a melancholic feeling. It was better than any action or fantasy storybook in his opinion, but it also made him very sad somehow.

"Do you think we'll ever be like that?" Saeran whispers, breaking the silence that stretched over the two.

"Like what?"

The corners of Saeran's lips pull into a small smile as he clarifies, "With our own family. Do you think we'll be able to grow up and find somebody to love and stuff?"

Beside him, Saeran can feel Saeyoung give a very determined nod of his head. "Yeah! I'm sure we will! And I'm sure we'll be very happy then."

The younger twin makes a thoughtful sounding hum before pausing. After a moment, he asks another question, his voice wavering, "Do you think we'll be together even after all that?"

"Of course!" Saeyoung answers without a hint of hesitation that it surprises the other boy. "Even when we have our own families, we'll still always be brothers."

Saeran's chest tightens with those words, his heart thrumming with joy and relief. The conversation trails off, and there's nothing more that needs to be said. In the peaceful silence, Saeran allows his eyes to fall shut and let himself become enveloped in his dreams where everything is exactly how he wants his life to be like.

Warmth falls upon Saeran's closed eyelids, and he slowly flutters them open. He's greeted by the sight of an unfamiliar room, but he doesn't feel apprehensive being caught in such a foreign place. The atmosphere as a whole is cozy, the walls having a warm colour that makes his heart feel calm. There are large windows as well, sunlight seeping through and illuminating what Saeran now realizes must be a living room.

There are various potted plants and flowers lying around, giving the room a burst of beautiful colours that makes his childlike eyes shine with amazement. Curious, he walks up towards one of them and closely inspects the plant, smiling to himself.

The young boy is broken out of his thoughts when he hears footsteps approaching the doorway. His head whips around as he instinctively takes a step back, afraid of being punished for intruding on somebody's home, even if he isn't sure how he got there in the first place.

To his surprise, however, he comes across a face he's seen many times before, but much more defined and mature while framed by signature red hair. For some reason, the young Saeran thinks to himself, " Oh, this is me.... " and realizes that he must be dreaming.

It feels surreal, to say the least. It doesn't look like his older self can see him, so Saeran tentatively takes a couple of steps closer to watch the young man as he goes around the room, watering each and every single one of the plants with lots of love and care. There's a smile gracing his lips as he goes through these actions, and it makes the young boy smile too, finding it to be quite infectious.

"Saeran ."

A new voice comes from behind, soft and serene, and the boy turns around to face the stranger. But it's no stranger to his dream-self as he walks up to the newcomer with an unfamiliar but warm look on his features as he kisses her cheek.

"She's pretty... " the young boy thinks idly to himself as he watches the scene unfold before him.

The woman giggles at the action, her hand moving up to caress his older self's cheek, and Saeran notices the simple ring resting comfortably on her finger. It's a bit strange to see such a loving couple. Saeran has never met his father, so he isn't sure if what he's dreaming of is an accurate portrayal of how real couples act like, but he supposes it doesn't matter since this is all just a dream anyways.

The young boy reaches up to touch his own cheek, his head tilting curiously to the side. It looked like such a gentle caress, and it makes the child wonder how it must feel like to be touched like that. All he knows is the feeling of his mother hitting him, and it makes his heart ache.

Before the unpleasant feeling can fully sink into the pit of his stomach, the dream couple head towards what looks like a kitchen, and Saeran follows close behind with a bounce in his steps.

He watches the older Saeran move around the kitchen with his partner, retrieving ingredients and utensils to probably make breakfast. The pair move with ease and grace, talking and laughing while occasionally giving each other quick kisses on the cheeks and lips that makes Saeran blush red, but there's no denying the grin on his face.

The kitchen is filled with pleasant sounds and the wonderful smell of a good and wholesome breakfast. The atmosphere is so warm and happy, it tugs at Saeran's heart. For a moment, he remembers his waking life in which he isn't allowed in the kitchen, and it's such a sharp contrast to his beautiful dream that it stuns him momentarily.

There is a prickling sensation in the corner of his eyes, and Saeran's throat clamps up. His lip quivers and vision blurs before the familiar sensation of tears run down his cheeks. It isn't the first time the child has cried, and he doubts it will be his last, but something about these tears are different. It isn't that he's hurt—no, he is hurt, but this scene that's playing out right in front of his eyes also makes him feel good. It's a confusing mess of pain and joy, and Saeran no longer knows how he feels or how he's supposed to feel.

New exclaiming voices break Saeran out of his thoughts, and he wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand. Standing at the doorway are a young boy and girl, looking to be similar in age. They both have the same hair as Saeran and the same eyes as the woman's. There's a tender moment between the children and the two adults before they move over to sit at the table, and Saeran joins them before he can recognize that what he's feeling right now is loneliness.

Before the young boy's eyes, there's a table full of warm and freshly made food, made with an incredible amount of love and care for the two children. The atmosphere is exactly how he envisions an ideal family is like, and there's nothing but smiles shared all around. There's no yelling or arguing or anything that he usually sees in his everyday life with his own broken family.

It's a bittersweet dream, giving the younger twin a taste of what he could have had if he was born under better circumstances, as well as a taste of what could possibly be in the future as long as he doesn't lose sight of himself. But the scenes before him also act as a painful reminder of what he doesn't have and might possibly never have either, depending on how his situation will play out in the future.

But this is the best that Saeran can have right now, and no one can take that away from him in this world that his pure and innocent heart has made for him. Not his mother, not his father, and not even his own weak self who can only constantly chase after his older brother.

As such, the young boy basks himself in this welcoming and wonderful scene, his heart throbbing against his ribcage as he looks at the bright and cheerful faces of his older self and the family he's grown to have.

There is an open window nearby, and it brings in a cool and refreshing breeze along with a pleasant floral scent from outside. Saeran turns his attention away from the table for a moment to look outside, and his breath catches in his throat. Sunlight peeks through, radiant and almost blinding, but the sky looks so blue and so clear—it almost makes him feel like he can just fly free at any given time.

Saeran allows his eyes to fall shut, wanting nothing more than to remember this nice feeling and his surroundings: the warmth, the laughter, the coziness of it all. He burns everything into the back of his eyelids so that every time he closes his eyes, he can lose himself in this dream that he wishes was a memory instead.

Dreams can be painful things because they almost always seem out of reach, but not this one. In this dream, Saeran can see, hear, smell, and feel everything: the beautiful sky above, the lighthearted conversation between lovers, the sweet aroma of breakfast, the sunlight seeping through his skin...

Saeran knows and even comes to terms with the fact that when he opens his eyes in the morning, he will be met with darkness and cold. He will wake up to an empty stomach and angry mother with no father in sight. That is why, for now, Saeran chooses to appreciate this precious time that he has right now because the happiness that he can only find in this dream is what will help keep him going until he no longer needs to turn to figments of imagination for the source of his smile—his ray of love, hope, and light.

COMMISSIONS | MASTERLISTS I also do [art commissions] if interested!

[emilyannnoble]

maddie

Some friends come and go in your life but others stay. If you’re really lucky you’ll meet a friend like this friend that I have. She’s bold and she’s kind. She knows exactly who she is. Brilliant and always malleable when she learns. Quick to listen and to apologize. She stands up and listens well to the hurting and has deep empathy for the people in her life that she loves. Hospitality is her second nature and she always invites you in with a warm hug and a place to sit on her couch or at her table. Now, you’re probably thinking a friend like this doesn’t exist. If you don’t believe me, just keep reading to see what these other friends think about her:

Julie says, “Fav things about Maddie: Her generous heart and giving spirit, the intentionality behind each things she does, her resiliency and ability to bounce back when things come her way.”

Peri says, “Maddie is a bold leader. She gently speaks her mind and is really good at gently speaking truth over the people that she loves. She’s the best encourager. She loves the Lord and knows His Word so well. She is a great communicator, friend, daughter and follower of Jesus. Maddie is brave and takes a stand even when it’s hard. She is beautiful, talented and called to do things that no one else is called to do. She is eloquent with her words and doesn’t waste any. She says what she needs to--no more, no less. She makes hard decisions and works well under pressure. Her joy is contagious. She leads with love. Her values and beliefs are unwavering and she is eager to share what she is learning. I love that so much about her.”

Taylor says, “Maddie is… 1. An intentional learner; she dives deep into the Bible, others and herself. 2. Confident; in the way God has worked through her story. 3. Knows how to lift others up when they feel stuck inside themselves. 4. Has the best laugh and is quick with her humor. 5. Knows her boundaries, what fills her up and what drains her tank. 6. Quick to encourage, thank and care for others.”

Ashley says, “Her hardworking nature, her eye for beauty and her ability to have deep quality friendships.”

Aimee says, “I love how honest and transparent she is. She always keeps it real and is one of the most self aware people I know. She has an infectious laugh and is a really good and loyal friend! I love how she always thinks how God can use her in any situation she faces and how strong of a woman of God she is!”

Valerie says, “She’s been such a kind a gracious friend to me. Knowing her has allowed me to be vulnerable by creating a safe environment within our group. I admire her passion and appreciate her encouraging ways, she’s always very supportive of everyone, myself included. I hope to continue our friendship for many years to come.”

Victoria says, “Bold. Intuitive. Inspirational. Reliable. Gifted. Unwavering. Passionate. Genuine. Driven. Stunning. These are just a few of my favorite characteristics. I can’t thank her enough for the times that she has been there for me. For the love she has shown me in times where I was hurting, for the excitement she has shared with me over my successes, and for so much more… she is truly a gift. Thank you, Maddie and happy birthday.”

Ivan says, “Favorite characteristics about Maddie: Creativity. Ability to come up with innovative ideas. (Brutal) honesty lol. Kindness. Great speaker. Great writer. How well she develops close/deep relationships. Her high capacity to learn. Her deep desire to get to know Jesus better. Despite being hurt really bad in the past she actively makes the decision to unconditionally love those around her. She’s courageous. She’s intentional about developing the talents that God’s given her. Integrity. Generosity.”

Tracy says, “Maddie is very intentional. Sees the best in people. Intelligent. A giving friend. Generous. Honest. Real!! Eager to learn and grow. Feels big.”

Lisa says, “I love her compassion, tender heart and discernment. I think she’s amazing with the hurting & broken because she’s able to be in the pain with them without trying to fix them or the circumstance. I appreciate how she’s learned self care, which is a necessary trait for adulting! She has and continues to grow into this incredible human I get to call my daughter.”

Dave says, “I love Maddie’s character; honest to the core, gracious, and compassionate. She has a wicked sly sense of humor yet loves the simple, cute, and delicate things in life. She is one of the most caring and empathetic people I know. It is such a privilege to have Maddie as a daughter, and a gift for her to call me her dad.”

From all of us to you: happy birthday Maddie! you are so loved. Cheers to 24 and your garden continuing to bloom!

[gyrlversion]

New York’s Most Splurge-Worthy Restaurants, According to 14 Chefs

Di An Di chef Dennis Ngo can’t get enough of Lilia. Photo: Melissa Hom

It’s a fact: Sometimes you just need to go big. But where to head when you want to blow half a month’s rent on dinner? That’s exactly the question we posed to 14 chefs around the city, who — of course — have many interesting thoughts on the topic. Here’s where they suggest you go when you really want to splurge. Enjoy yourself.

Dennis Ngo Chef-owner, Di An Di “Lilia was the first place my fiancée, Alia, and I went to when we had our first night off together after Di An Di opened, and we’ve been going back regularly since (when we can get a table that is). Alicia, the general manager, and chef Aaron are executing chef Missy’s vision at an extremely high level that is so enjoyable and delicious.”

Allison Kave Co-founder, Butter & Scotch “There are plenty of steakhouses in NYC, but I generally head to Peter Luger when I want to treat myself. While I loved the rib eye I shared with friends on my birthday last year (and the warm, efficient service we enjoyed), my favorite way to experience this institution is by grabbing a weekday lunchtime seat at the bar for the Luger Burger (a half-pound of their ground dry-aged beef, medium rare), a gin Martini, and their superlative hot fudge sundae with ‘Schlag,’ their utterly perfect homemade whipped cream.”

Sohui Kim Chef-owner, Insa and the Good Fork “Hands down, it’s Gramercy Tavern. It’s fueled by my relationship with the executive chef, Michael Anthony. I started my culinary career with him when he was a chef of Blue Hill. Since then, he has been a great mentor and friend. Whenever I have a great cook moving on from the Good Fork, I take them to Gramercy. I think of G.T. as a mother ship of great classic American, responsible restaurant management. Ah, and the food is impeccable and inspiring!”

Caroline Schiff Pastry chef and founder, the Paradigm Schiff “I have to give it up for Kajitsu. They serve stunning, intricate eight or ten course vegetarian tasting menus of shojin cuisine — the culinary tradition in Japanese Zen Buddhist monasteries. It’s one of the most unique and tranquil dining experiences in the city and the vegetarian menu is mind-blowing. Dishes are literal works of art and the flavors and ingredients are so unique. The whole dinner transports you. You can spend this kind of money at a lot of places, but you won’t find this experience anywhere else, and seeing that Kajitsu translates to ‘fine day’ or ‘day of celebration’ I think makes it the perfect place to splurge!”

Crown Shy’s James Kent says go all-in on the steak omakase at Cote. Photo: Melissa Hom

James Kent Chef-owner, Crown Shy “I worked at fancy fine-dining restaurants for over a decade. When I want to splurge, I don’t go to a four-star temple to excess. I go to Cote. It’s dark, sexy, and moody. Yes, you can go to Cote for a standard date night and order à la carte, but when you want to go big, get the steak omakase. In general, I try to steer clear of fatty protein, but I make an exception for Cote’s dry-aged umami-bomb beef. Add a 125 gram tin of Osetra caviar because if you’re splurging, you might as well gild the lily. It’s a place you can go for any occasion. I recently brought a friend for his birthday, and my family to celebrate after my wife and I ran a half marathon. It isn’t fussy, but it’s decadent.”

Diego Moya Executive chef de cuisine, Racines NY “When I get the urge to treat myself to a special meal, Momofuku Ko is usually at the top of the list. I’ve been a big fan of Sean Grey’s particularly fun progression of dishes. The experience is always luxurious without seeming stuffy, with plenty of personality and over-the-top deliciousness. It’s really singular in that top tier of fine dining in New York. I’m also a huge fan of the wine list.”

Jess Shadbolt Chef, King “Most weekends start with a discussion as to when we’ll head to Barbuto for a quick lunch, but there is no such thing as a quick lunch at Barbuto. They are long, indulgent, spirited meals that always seem to be bathed in sunshine and with a soundtrack of engaged conversation and laughter. The same order always goes in: Domaine Tempier, pasta, the chicken, the salad; but before we know it, we cannot resist the addition of whatever new dish catches our eye at a neighboring table. The generosity of this restaurant is infectious and before you know it, it’s 4 o’clock.”

Ovenly co-founder Agatha Kulaga loves everything at Sushi Yasuda. Photo: Dennis Yermoshin/The New York Times/Redux

Agatha Kulaga Co-founder, Ovenly “When I’ve got cash to spend and want to treat myself, my go-to meal in NYC is omakase because it always feels so damn special. I’m not into fancy tablecloths, complicated flavors, or 12 people serving me at once, so Sushi Yasuda is one of my all-time favorite spots. There is something special about any restaurant in this city that’s been around for over 20 years, yet continues to feel timeless, unfussy, and intimate. Sitting at the sushi counter is the way to go, and it’s a great meal to enjoy alone or with a date. The fish has that melt-in-your-mouth feeling, the rice is perfectly prepared, and by the end of my meals there, my body is vibrating with pure joy.”

Melissa Rodriguez Head chef, Del Posto “I love Le Coucou. The food is classic, delicious, fancy, and rustic all at the same time. I love their rabbit entrée, better known as tout le lapin! It’s a delicious and simple preparation showcasing the entire animal. It’s hearty, delicate, simple, and complex all at the same time”

Jessica Craig Executive pastry chef, L’Artusi “My favorite restaurant splurge is Loring Place in Greenwich Village. I’m a vegetable-forward eater and Loring Place does it right with their seasonal menus. Their service is also top-notch and spot-on. The chocolate ‘hostess cupcake’ is a favorite of mine as it brings me back to childhood. I love the flavor of the sweet chocolate cake with the sharp acidity of the tangerine sherbet. I used to eat Oreo cookies with orange juice as a kid and that dish totally reminds me of that flavor combination. It may sound weird to most, but their pastry chef gets it in a really wonderful way.”

Miro Uskokovic Head pastry chef, Gramercy Tavern “When looking to splurge, my wife and I usually turn to Thai food. Our favorite spot to go is Ayada Thai in Elmhurst, Queens — we’re huge proponents for all things Queens! We like to think of Ayada Thai as our hidden gem. The food, intimate space, and relaxed atmosphere makes it for the perfect spot to order everything on the menu without judgement — I highly recommend their chive dumplings and Pad See Ew noodle.”

Erik Ramirez Chef-owner, Llama Inn and Llamita “For me, Eleven Madison Park hits all points of being a great restaurant. This restaurant makes every person who walks through its doors feel like royalty. Whether it’s the trip back to the beautifully built and immaculately kept kitchen or the way the staff pulled out the chair for my lady every time, it feels like a place you wish you could spend every night. Being pampered and spoiled the way they know how can only be accomplished by the best. The experience as a whole almost makes you forget that bill at the end. It’s truly amazing because they don’t drop a single ball. It’s almost like you are the lead actor in a movie of your life and this place is filming the perfect first and only take.”

Blue Hill at Stone Barns is worth the trip out of town. Photo: Melissa Hom

Matt Griffin Head chef, Simon & the Whale “I have to hand it to Blue Hill at Stone Barns for next-level, epic dining. Being part of a working farm, they’re just on another level in terms of sourcing product. The last time I dined there was literally a seven-hour meal with my girlfriend where we didn’t even get to the dessert course because we had to catch the 1 a.m. train back from Tarrytown.”

Patch Troffer Head chef, Marlow & Sons “I recently had an amazing super-splurge dinner at Shoji at 69 Leonard that I can’t stop thinking about. The impeccable sourcing, simplicity, and thoughtfulness of chef Wilcox and his food are absolutely inspiring. No one dish sticks out too much — the whole experience feels incredibly balanced. I feel so fortunate to have dined there!”

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[eurosong]

Eurosong's ESC '17 ranking and commentary

Good afternoon, folks! The clock is ticking down to the final and it's now about that time of the year where I unleash my commentary on all the songs. I tried to limit myself to a few sentences per song, but since there´s 42, this will doubtless be considered by some as a big read. Tongue in cheek in part but very candid about my views on some of the songs - don't proceed if you don't want to see a few songs savaged. As the ancient Romans said, de gustibus non est disputandum, and these are just my views and tastes.

1 Portugal From which planet did this extraterrestrial talent come and why do his people want to break our hearts so exquisitely? I cannot speak highly enough of these three perfect minutes of melancholy, longing, and yet, at the same time, love and hope. This performance speaks to the soul so intimately. It is a pure and timeless composition that I feel like I've known all my life, but have been waiting all this time to hear. Extraördinary and twelve cuts above everything else in the contest in my eyes. 2. Hungary How I love the fearless Magyars and their tendency to dance to the beat of their own drums, sending things that sound like nothing else in the contest. This is one of the most emotional performances in the contest and certainly one of the most meaningful lyrics - talking about the prejudice he faced as a Romani and the salvation he found in songwriting. The music is a sui generis blend of rap, traditional folk and other elements - and the pure passion invested into the lyrics and their delivery gives me goosebumps. 3 Belarus This is what three minutes of unshackled, care-free joy sounds like. Naviband are adorable, their chemistry pure, and their song is so full of joie de vivre. I feel like I’m out in the primordial forests of Belarus hearing the call of the ancients. 4 Armenia Another nation keen to exhibit its traditional music in curious new blends is Armenia, who this year bring us something that sounds at once distinctly Caucasian and East Asian. A curious mélange of genres and influences make this almost as far as you can get from the tired "Melfest reject" mould. I love the non-linearity of this song, and the æthereal feel that makes the song feel like a forgotten psalm to the gods. Great effort. 5 Iceland If you combine dark but infectious electro beats with some of the most subtly meaningful lyrics of the contest, you get this, in my book, one of Iceland's best contributions to the contest in some time. Svala's song is very personal to her and, through an extended metaphor, talks about struggling with accepting yourself for who you are. A very underrated track in my eyes.

6 Czechia Speaking of underrated, we have the perennially undervalued Czechs sending us one of the most understated and sincere offerings this ESC. Czechia's is a very subtle song about strength in adversity and human connection. The music is very pleasant, and the lyrics are sung with heart. 7 Belgium No matter the disastrous reaction to the rehearsals, City Lights remains for me one of the most unique and meaningful pieces in the contest this year. Whilst last year they sounded like a 90s girl group trying to emulate the 70s, this is year 3000, futuristic cool. There is a powerful minimalism in the lyrics that lets their many nuances sink in. "Are we going to lose it all?" 8 Romania You get instant ESC-snob credit by disavowing this Romanian effort, which on paper - a yodel-rap about breaking away from the 9 to 5 - sounds like it should be a ludicrous mess. But you won't see me doing anything but praising it as it is an instant ray of sunshine in a song. I love how much Alex and Ilinca, an incredibly cute pair, love their song and how they put their heart into each performance. I feel lifted up to the Alpine heights by each listen. 9 Azerbaijan For the first time ever, Azerbaijan stand to get into my top 10. They’re still raising my hackles by importing music from Sweden, but this time they’ve picked a credible and glacially cool artist with a mystifying and dark composition about obsessive love. A step in the right direction. 10 Italy The bookies’ favourite by far, and I can understand why - Francesco exudes cheeky chappie charisma and his song is one that can appeal across generations. Why only 10th then from this bonafide Italophile? I always found the chorus of the song to be very dated, sounding like the theme tune of an early 90s quiz show, whilst the verse and bridge has a much more monumental, anthemic air. I was more able to overlook the repeats of the chorus before they made disastrous cuts and excised most of the first verse and all of the second verse, leaving a song that is still fun, but a lot more repetitive. 11 Netherlands I’m honestly amazed that O’G3ne, a band with such a ridiculous name and a dubious pedigree, are on the cusp of my top 10 this year. They sing songs that are so dated that they wouldn’t have counted as fresh even in the early 90s. And yet, their song has a certain child-like naïveté in its lyrics about their ailing mother that it makes it unbelievably moving. 12 France A nice enough song from France this year, but nowhere near as good as Amir last year in my eyes. What really took the song down a notch was the clunky addition of unneeded, comparatively cacophonous English lyrics, which replaced the existentialist French chorus of the original with some throwaway clichés. 13 Macedonia Some fans consider the Macedonian entry fresh despite its reminding me of 3-4 different 80s’ songs blended together. What it is though is catchy and kitschy in a fun way. I have doubts about the live performance given her scandalous playback in London, though. 14 Finland As Holly Brewer  sang, “I wish I loved you more.” I should love a song like this, but instead I don’t enjoy it as much as I might because I feel they put a distance between themselves and the audience not fitting for such an emotional song. 15 Ukraine It’s no secret that I’m a rocker, but unfortunately, a lot of the rock at the contest has been sub-par in recent years - or has been “rock” in inverted commas. This is not a bad effort from Ukraine, but nowhere near the britrock-inspired heights of Georgia last year. It’s a bit too repetitive for my likes. 16 Latvia Something less to my typical tastes is this unexpected piece of 90s rave revival, a step away from the cool Aminata-penned electronica Latvia has sent in the past two years. It’s a welcome stylistical oasis in a desert of identikit pop ballads, but qualitatively isn’t great, and her nasal, oddly pronounced vocals are an acquired taste which I am yet to acquire. 17 Bulgaria Very nice, relaxing background music but I don’t think of it as much more than that. 18 Ireland This starts out so promisingly with a gloomy and mysterious beginning, but soon degenerates into an early 2000s B-side that was not only rejected by Westlife but also by an assortment of C-list bands imitating Westlife. It’s even complete with the obligatory key change that launches young Brendan into a register so high that it could shatter contact lenses while they're still on your eyes. Yet, I do find some charm in it, and this would be a contender for places 11-15 for me were it not for the god awful last minute. 19 Albania For once, Albania don’t completely destroy a song in its revamp - they maintain most of the rock-ish edges of the original, instead of neutering them like they did with Përallë. As is typical, though, they lumbered Lindita with a bewildering and clunky English translation that takes a lot of my enjoyment away from the song. 20 Germany This couldn’t be more middle of the road if it tried - so it’s apt, I guess, that it has a position almost precisely in the middle of my ranking. Levina was the best of a bad lot in Germany’s insane format of a national final and she soldiers through a song even she seemed like she preferred not to sing. The riff ripped from Titanium is so blatant - and the song is brought down too by some ridiculous lyrics. “Almost a sinner, nearly a saint.” So you’re almost exceptionally holy and almost someone who frequently sins at the same time? *Head explodes* 21 Switzerland An innocuously bland mid-tempo pop ballad. Not much to say about this one.   22 Croatia A man singing a duët with himself, giving a motivational message - to himself. One half in the quivery, syrupy upper ranges of an R&B tenor, the other half in a booming operatic baritone. It’s as ridic as it sounds and yet this Jeckyll and Hyde act is saved from the very bottom by its endearing barminess. 23 Denmark Disposable pop with a shout-sung chorus, albeit by a performer with some charm and connection to the audience. 24 Australia Musically, not so bad at all, but there’s something offputting about a chap young enough to almost be fœtal putting on a drippy voice and ridiculous puppy dog eyes, singing a song of a life of broken hearts and lost love more befitting of an old man. 25 Serbia Serbia used to be one of my favourite countries in the contest. They stuck to their own language and sang songs imbued with Balkan rhythm and tradition... now they send someone sending a poor rip-off of Katy Perry’s Firework. Каква срамота. 26 Moldova Evidently, meme status can open doors and can gift you a return ticket to the ESC. It’s a shame, as even in Moldova, there were better options than this rather misogynistic effort that seems to have been Bing translated, not even Google translated, and which sounds like it was based off a MIDI ringtone. Apparently bound for the final just because it’s upbeat. 27 Austria This exudes that relentless forced cheeriness that makes my blood run cold. It’s such a plim-plom song that bounces along whilst saying nothing. Most songs aim for the top and I can admire that, even if they have no chance - this aims for mid-table mediocrity in the final. 28 Israel Generic dance track with words plucked at random and thrown onto the paper. 29 Norway Robotically cold. Most songs make me feel something, even if it’s annoyance. This just leaves me numb. 30 Poland An oppressive dirge with lyrics that rely on a rhyming dictionary a little too much (rhyming fire, desire, wire and higher in the space of ten words!) and a bizarre song structure with an anti-chorus and no real progression, which make these 3 minutes feel very long indeed. 31 Sweden Predictable, repetitive pop with one of the most laughable performance routines (blokes trying to act “smooth” by doing very silly gestures) and lyrics that read as though written by Jay in the Inbetweeners. Let’s not romanticise uncontrollable lust. 32 Cyprus A rip-off of Rag and Bone Man’s “Human”, but without a message. Instead, some incredibly daft lyrics written by someone who failed physics even in primary school. Hovig likens himself to gravity because he will catch his paramour when she falls - when it is in fact gravity that pulls her down to her grizzly death. 33 United Kingdom Turgid rent-a-ballad delivered in a hammy style with not a whisker of sincerity - compare that with the virtuoso performance of her rival in the final, Holly, who sang like she felt the pain. I’ve been saying since the contest that it will do well, though, but I’m not sold one bit. 34 Spain Many of us Eurovision fans in Spain wasted money voting for other songs in the national final, only to find that the jury - 2/3 comprised of people with vested interest in one of the candidates - was able to override thousands of televoters when it came to a draw. They put the televote’s 3rd place, Manel, first, leaving a considerable bad taste behind. And what for? One of the most inane songs the contest has ever seen, in which either “do it for your lover” (do what?) or “just do it” are repeated on average less than every 4 seconds. It sounds like a homebrand Lazy Song and the songwriters sure were lazy. Playing this on a loop for just 15 minutes could make even the toughest commandos cry for their mammies. 35 Estonia Part of me wants to put this at the very bottom of the pile, but sadly, there are worse horrors yet to come. It’s really disappointing when your favourite ESC country in recent years throws aside a bunch of daring possibilities to represent them in 2017, in favour of something so aggressively bland, a cynical Eurosong by numbers with hackneyed, ultra-repetitive lyrics that mostly consist of entoning “á-a-a-a-à-a-a-a-á-a”, performed by a duo who have as much chemistry as two inert gases and spent most of the time hammishly gurning. 36 Montenegro How does one interpret it when one of the European countries with the biggest problems of homophobia - with 71% of the populace thinking homosexuality is a sickness and where a number of hate crimes have been registered just against people who support LGBT rights - sends such an OTT act with lyrics that are packed to the brim with single entendres? For me, it seems a cynical move. Slavko himself seems a cool guy but the song itself is a hot mess. 37 Lithuania And this is a hot mess, frozen then microwaved, then frozen then set on fire with a flamethrower. Be careful of watching this with pets or small children or they may well end up traumatised for life. Whilst unbelievably sweet in interviews, the lead singer of this act seems like a banshee possessed by demons whilst singing. Her bandmate seems like her creepy “keeper.” They sing a song with about 180 instances of the words “yeah, yeah” and some trumpets that sound like they were taken from Windows 95 sound effects. 38 Slovenia This has to be one of the most overblown and pompous entries in many a year. Omar claims he was waiting to unleash this on the unsuspecting public for over a decade - even back then, this grandiose attempt at a Broadway-style number would have sounded dated. 39 Greece I will never forgive the genius lyrics “rain falls from abooove!” Neither can I forgive the fact that such a completely generic track with lyrics written on the back of a Cornflakes box is probably destined for the final with the help of some gimmicky staging. 40 Malta This song fills me with all the energy of someone who’s been in a coma for 15 years. 41 San Marino Some folk are happy to see Valentina Monetta back for the fourth year. I’m sad to see a talented performer come back for scraps of infamy no matter how bad the song she’s offered. And my god, is this disco rehash fever dream bad. 42 Georgia Georgia is typically one of my favourite nations in the contest, because of their willingness to break away from the mould, to enter things that are very atypical of the contest and often do well with them - like the exhilerating psychadelic-Britrock of last year or the trippy folk of a few years before that. This year, they couldn’t have gone more off into the other direction, into the methane-scented hinterlands of mediocrity.  I find this song disasteful in so many ways. The overt and ham-fisted political nature of it. The creepy music, like the soundtrack to a cheap straight-to-VCR horror movie, which creates an oppressive atmosphere that makes me feel like the music is holding my head down under the ghoul-infested waters of a frigid lake in a winter forest. The ghastly, cliché-ridden lyrics, where “keep the faith” is repeated so many times that by one minute, my faith that the song will ever end is already shaken. Ugly composition.

[thejacketpocket]

Rain inside when it’s sunny out

As our species continues into not-so-slow march to extinction, here are some albums that set the mood and passed the time the best for me this past year.  Bandcamp links where applicable.

15. YG- Still Brazy

This was easily the most fun album of the year and it more or less opened with a biographical song about being shot. It’s also the album that has the Fuck Donald Trump song (highly skippable after the first listen), so there’s that. I was more taken with the way his hooks and chants run wide, gleeful circles around each other and how the elastic G-funk bass made summer driving a delight.

14. Kemper Norton- Toll

Based on the 1967 crash of an oil tanker off the coast of Cornwall—the biggest oil spill in UK history—this album sounds like something dark slowly washing ashore in wave after wave. It’s put together from bits of found sounds and ambient textures that are simultaneously claustrophobic and expansive, which occasionally piece themselves together into surprisingly affecting folk music. The net effect is incredibly lonely, and at times like a Belle and Sebastian album without all of the wonderful characters; just one person in an industrial world that’s slowly turning to rust.

Bandcamp link

13. David Bowie- Blackstar

I always expect this album to be a little more unbuttoned when I hear it—and I wish that it was the case—but it’s still more layered and complex than anyone could have hoped for (and has actually made me appreciate The Next Day significantly more). It’s an affecting, first-person narration of a man taking one last look around before abandoning modern life and material possessions and slowly disappearing back into the darkness of the forest. 

12. Eluvium- False Readings On

In what is surely the most fully realized work of composer Matthew Cooper, minimalist passages of strings, woodwinds, and piano are washed over by tape hiss and white noise, and angelic, operatic human voices advance and retreat, part Greek chorus and part gasp for air. Ostensibly an album inspired by themes of cognitive dissonance in modern society, it also serves as an elegy for civilization, sounding like a boat gently sailing toward the horizon, before finally falling off the edge of the world.

Bandcamp link

11. King- We Are KING

Three women reproduce the lush aesthetic of Al B. Sure!’s “Nite and Day” and slather it across an hour’s worth of brilliant songs (if something as fully realized as “Red Eye” or “Supernatural” had been on the Frank Ocean album it would have been ubiquitous), apply it to a no-budget “get in the van” career approach that’s somewhat rare in the R&B world, and fatten the album up with a down comforter’s worth of warmth and texture.

Bandcamp link

10. The Field- The Follower

The front half of this is probably the catchiest stuff Alex Willner has ever made; it’s repetition as pop, as earworms slip in and out, bobbing and sinking in the mix, and the overall compositions become so ingrained in your listening experience that you start subconsciously shifting the sounds around yourself. This is a fairly commonplace quality of such music, lifted here by the infectious nature of the two-and-three-note melodies and the spirited use of whispery vocal samples to effectively generate a ghost in the machine.

Bandcamp link

9. Conor Oberst- Ruminations

Who knows if this guy writes biographical songs or he’s just taking the piss, but this album sounds like the work of somebody who has had his ass kissed for a decade only to have everyone turn on him—which would not be far off from what actually happened to him. It’s a delightfully bitter, nihilistic, and thoroughly lonely album that also happens to contain his loosest and most immediately engaging songs in a decade. Note the fact that the kid who was once called a “next Dylan” has now made his most-Dylan sounding record yet in terms of presentation—all sparse guitar-and-harmonica kiss-offs—as a vehicle to chuckle sardonicly at the long-ago hype.

8. Miranda Lambert- The Weight of These Wings

Maybe her best album, maybe not, but certainly the best vehicle for her singing, with production stripped back just enough to make her voice sound glorious. The album maintains a consistent tone and general wit-and-wisdom vibe across a range of influences, as she tries on Nancy Sinatra's boots ("Pink Sunglasses"), Daniel Lanois' atmospherics ("Runnin' Just in Case"), or Patsy Cline's country soul ("To Learn Her"). Like most double albums, it could be condensed into a one-disc classic (leaning far heavier on material from “The Nerve” side), but it’s not like there’s any truly duff songs on it, either.

7. A Tribe Called Quest- We Got It From Here...Thank You 4 Your Service

I've just really missed the group hip-hop album, wherein a handful of MCs pass the mic back and forth—mid-song, mid-verse, mid-line, whatever—over the course of a full album, sounding like lifelong friends rather than brief business partners. There’s something idealistic about it, even if the album's MVP is not any of the MCs but the snare drum.

6. Not Waving- Animals

This is likely my most-listened album of the year, or certainly the one that fit my mindstate and routine in 2016 the best. With its highly catchy two-note melodies and impressionistic spattering of drums, it uses an industrial/punk ethos to sound broken yet alive in a particularly bracing fashion. In a broader sense, delving into Diagonal Records was probably my favorite musical anything this year as they had a lot of releases that I really dug (Powell, Nordic Mediterranean Organization, NHK yx Koyxen, Container).

Bandcamp link

5. Brandy Clark- Big Day in a Small Town

After a debut that didn’t quite do Brandy Clark’s songwriting justice, an extra sheen of production polish brings out the highlights in her compositions, confirming her as one of the best writers working—assuming this was not already confirmed—and a top-rate singer as well. Each song is a Russian nesting doll of melodies that uncork in ways that feel both surprising and inevitable, and her lyrics are flip, casually conversational, and a joy to memorize, say, and sing.

4. Julianna Barwick- Will

This fall, there was an Agnes Martin retrospective at the Guggenheim Museum, which I found to be a profoundly moving exhibition. Many of Martin’s works in the show involve small, barely perceptible linework that assembles into patterns on white, cream, or oatmeal colored palettes. If you stand close to the work, you can see the artist’s hand, and get lost in her abstract forests of minimalist design. As you step back, these intricate patterns slowly fade to white, and the entire canvas become a single icy hue. This feeling of erasing yourself as a viewer is invigorating, and for me a much-needed sensation. That’s how I feel when I listen to this album, Barwick’s best since 2010’s masterful The Magic Place.

Bandcamp link

3. Cass McCombs- Mangy Love

This is an invertebrate album that squiggles into new shapes and colors every time you return it, wrapping itself in lush, Van Morrison-like arrangements or squirming away with Grateful Dead-like noodling. Perhaps the best lyricist working today, Cass’ oblique wordplay seemingly rearranges itself into new sentences with each listen, oscillating between storytelling and stream-of-consciousness, surreal and plainspoken, metaphorical and mundane. There’s an angry political heart if you want to hold up a stethoscope to the album, but you can also just settle into the instrumentation, the myriad details, and bits of wry, offbeat humor.

Bandcamp link

2. Solange- A Seat at the Table

I’m not the one to be adding more to what’s already been said about this album, but it’s the rare album to feel bigger than the sum of its parts, giving the impression of something other than an album: a totem of sorts. Discounting country music, “Mad” is probably the song I listened to the most. The second Lil Wayne verse is a heartbreaker every time, and the composition as a whole is therapeutic—a massage that bores deeper and deeper until it hits the spot that releases all of your tensions. The whole album is like that, really.

1. Danny Brown- Atrocity Exhibition

Danny Brown’s pitch-black worldview and performative anxiety felt more J.G. Ballard than Joy Division, but both fit the bill. No album sounded more like 2016 to me: manic, hyperventilating, lips curled into an inverted smile, arms flailing, running downhill toward the smoke and flames. It also cheered me up every time I listened to it.