#gay people are real and they’re ruining my life

[dolphin-diaries]

Who Gets To Talk Detransition?

Originally published on Dolphin Diaries

The story is supposed to go like this: a trans cult, or maybe the medical establishment, steals a young girl under its ghastly wing. A wounded girl, a scared one, desperate for reprieve from a violent world that has whipped her into self-hatred. The kidnapping cultists promise an escape. A cure to the horror of her body. Then, mutilation follows, which a brave few will eventually try to undo—only they never quite can.

No, wait.

The story is supposed to go like this: some people are trans men. They are assigned female at birth, but they are men, and so some want to make their body male. But sometimes, a select few regret their transition. They aren’t trans men. They’re actually cis—in agreement with their sex—but they’ve made a mistake for whatever reason. They are very scarce. A statistically inconsequential minority to which we ought not cede ground. After all, why should a society be concerned with a statistically minuscule people?

Regardless of which way you tell it, two constants remain. One: the trans and the detrans are antagonistic; the detrans have been hurt by transition care and now threaten its existence. Two: those that detransition are seeking to correct a prior mistake. Be it from the right or left, the story is always that of failure and regret.

Part I: When Your Worst Fears Come True

September 2023 marked the eighth anniversary of me starting testosterone. Getting HRT was something I’d fought for with great difficulty and determination: I’d burned bridges with an abusive family; I’d come out a year prior to the entirety of my university class and had already lived as a man; I then dropped out of university so I could work a full-time job to afford HRT. I did all this with full knowledge that I could not access the legal transition system in my country. I’d be unable to change my gender marker and would have to deal with that fact in a place where most people barely know what ‘transgender’ is, let alone accept it. But I was willing to weather all of that, and to my luck, I had no trouble passing for a man, and the vast majority of friends and acquaintances accepted me.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic to start testosterone. In adolescence my masculinity had been denied to me, the feminine traits of myself and my body forcibly exaggerated to put me in my (woman’s) place. Now, it felt like having all the features I’d come to despise overtaken by new growth. Like a ruin reclaimed by fresh ivy. I wasn’t entirely content—I wanted to be indistinguishable from a cis man, untouched by any insidious womanhood whatsoever. Only I found most cis men either uninspired-looking or repugnant, so… a pretty cis man? Androgynous, but not too androgynous, so I don’t get gay-bashed?

The real end goal I wished of my body was nebulous. There was no man I could cite as the Ur-Man for me, trans or cis, neither in character nor appearance. It wasn’t for lack of the much maligned Good Male Role Models in my life; I simply resonated with none of them. But there was life to be lived anyway. So I put one foot in front of the other, and sometimes, I knew my steps were dictated as much by fear of transphobia as they were by my own desires.

There are many things to fear while living as trans. One of my most personal anxieties was detransition. A forced one would be most horrid; to be put in a position where my bodily autonomy, so hard-won, could be stripped away as if it never existed.

But my strangest fear was that I would want to detransition. Not from some cruel necessity or right-wing brainwashing or what have you; genuinely, rationally, actively want it.

I knew why I feared that. Whenever I met another trans man or heard of their stories, some jigsaw puzzles would simply not fit. I never once desired to be a man until I learned of trans men’s existence. Never sought to play the role of a man and only half-enjoyed them now, if at all. Never, not even now, dreamt of myself as a man. At times another trans man would have the same ‘odd’ pieces, but then something else would find itself amiss again. On and on that list went.

One might call this a foregone conclusion in retrospect. Shouldn’t I have known? Shouldn’t a doctor have known? But this rather ignores that the psychology and study of transsexuality are hopelessly warped with attempts to eradicate it. My country’s procedures were dated. The questionnaires I took to have my doctor conclude I’m transsexual? Those were lousy with decades-dated misogyny (do you like housework? do you get aroused by housework? or maybe by cars?) and with voyeuristic, invasive questions (how do you have sex? how do you masturbate?) There were correct answers; there was no variation, which is only allowed for the cisgender. That procedure has since improved, especially in the West, but the traces remain. How does one introspect on one’s gender when that was the model for it? How does one even attempt to unravel the relationship between misogyny and desire to abandon womanhood when to do so threatens access to medical care? What sign ought I have looked for to distinguish myself from trans men when it was demanded no distinctions exist?

One does not exit a hostile care system with a healthier, more stable identity. That is nothing short of a miracle.

September 2023 marked the eighth anniversary of me exiting hostile care with a coveted prize in my grasp. It also marked the moment I looked in the mirror and saw exactly what I’d sought to win in that hellscape: an indisputable man. Not a cis man, of course, but one bereft of all the features that had haunted me to the point of self-harm. I was free, I had won; no one would ever look at me and think me a woman—no one ever did, those days.

I had won. And in my victory, I felt nothing at all.

Part II: Failure and Regret

The Right invests much bombast into transition regret. Loud ring the warning bells: this could happen to you! Your child! A girl with so much to live for, rendered barren, flat-chested, a misshapen man-thing! You, too, will live to regret it!

It amuses me. Queerness and butchness had marked me long ago; I was never particularly buxom or fecund. Never, in the heterosexist sense, something worthy of desire. I was a misshapen man-thing far before I asked people to call me ‘he.’ The people who made sure I knew I was a monster man-woman were precisely the kinds of people that now warned me away from turning myself into what—according to them—I already was. The sheer parental panic with which I’d been forced into makeup and dresses, you’d think I transitioned already.

Even more amusingly, sometimes the Right claims to care about butch lesbians. Tomboys are being mutilated, they say. It’s an imposition of gender stereotypes; women can be masculine!

But if the Right believes women can be lesbian and masculine, what’s with the whole fixation on ruined femininity and birthing wombs?

Indeed, the Right’s acceptance of detransitioned women is full of little caveats. They are to be paraded as damaged goods at conservative rallies. Their lost breasts and ovaries will be ever-ogled, figuratively if not literally, and the ‘irreversible damage’ left by testosterone examined with morbid fascination. They are the Right’s Magdalenes. They’re proof there’s good in the transgressive—that is, that the enemy can be pitied, assimilated. As an underclass, of course. They’re never to truly cease being damaged, for they must be proof that sex can only be ruined, never changed.

For a detransitioner, there is temptation in the Right’s conditional acceptance. It offers an easy answer to their current pain. The past choice they may regret or suffer under—why, it should’ve been prevented! If only you listened to the right authorities, all would’ve been well. Not altogether different than regretting a marriage or college major. Many an adult decries stupid choices of youth—and those certainly happen—but what’s scariest of all is the notion you weren’t making rash or ill-informed decisions. I know I wasn’t. And if that is so, then it means the current self—the mature one, the one with 20/20 hindsight—could make a mistake, too.

Right-wing detransitioners take for granted there exists a guardian angel that could’ve healed them of the gendered distress they once felt and showed them a path to contentment. That is a very tall order, considering how misogynistic and hostile psychiatry and psychology are, historically speaking. And that’s to say nothing of religion. But at least they would’ve been prevented from transitioning; misery averted—right?

My guardian angel, you could say, was lack of funds. I wanted top surgery—double mastectomy—but there was no way I could afford it, not in many years’ time. Now I realise I would’ve come to regret it and would’ve likely sought to reverse its effects. So I’m all good, right? I benefitted from how flawed trans healthcare is, didn’t I?

Perhaps. But there was a reason I wanted a mastectomy, and not a frivolous one. Every time I needed to see a doctor for a respiratory infection, I did so in fear of transphobic malpractice. I would minimise the time I spent in places where my chest could be exposed—gyms, pools, beaches, goddamned corporate retreats. And then there was the way my body, breasts included, had been used to prove to me I was not just a woman but Woman, a biodestined vessel for coy giggles, cookware, and pregnancy. And how that made me feel.

Indeed, I would later find out there are women and nonbinary people that do not identify with manhood yet seek the exact same top surgery I once wanted, for similar reasons. With no regrets. They wish to take control of their body and do so. And I know that, had I been able to get top surgery in the past, it would’ve made me happy for a good while.

So what’s more important: years of constant anxiety, or lack of hypothetical regret?

The right-wing detransitioner assumes one’s current self to be the ultimate judge of one’s choices—but take that principle to its logical conclusion, and it will seem like no decision should ever be made. There is always a prospective Future You which possesses more knowledge. Always the possibility of regret. Of course, decisions in life are sort of inevitable, but don’t worry about that—the powers that be will handle that. Ancestral tradition, or a caring authority figure. That’s also all humans with exactly the same issues, but don’t worry about that either. Maybe God is speaking through them. You never know.

In the end, the prescripts of the Right march to the same grim conclusion. That the only decision you can ever make with total certainty is death.

Part III: Death, the Tarot Kind

Queer culture delights in tales of transformation. We were all once larval—in the closet, often abused and scared. Trapped in a world of rigid roles and brutal dominion. But one day, we hope to metamorphose into our true shape and to take flight above a blissful, lawless, ever-shifting sea of change.

Most queer people are cisgender, and more still do not seek to transition, but the nature of all our transgressions is intimately entwined with gender anyway. We’re all doing it ‘wrong,’ by the wider society’s definition, even the most masculine of cis gay men or the most feminine of cis lesbian women. Unsurprising, then, are the queer community’s various attempts to embrace gender variance and to lay bare the plasticity of sex.

There is nothing per se about detransition that does not fit this mould. If gender is to be fucked with, why not take it for a swing? Indeed, in my experience most queer people would agree it’s entirely possible to detransition without weaponising transphobia or lapsing rightward.

But that’s usually a hypothetical thought exercise that ends exactly there. Maybe that queer person knows a detransitioner, maybe they don’t; regardless, the lives of the detransitioned do not interact with queer ideas of sex/gender, or indeed queer ideas about anything. The only time the detransitioned are really remarked on is only to state our statistical insignificance—or rather, the statistical insignificance of transition regret. I don’t personally regret my transition for the most part, so I wouldn’t even count there.

Whereas the Right sings lyrical about all the motivations and trials and tribulations of the detransitioned (and deftly twists the verses to fit the chorus), the Left does not usually consider the lives of the detransitioned at all. Mistakes happen, they suppose. Kind of funny we ‘failed at gender’ twice. Too bad we’re so miserable, they guess. What, ‘the patriarchy made you do it’? BuzzFeed feminism is so-o-o 2010s, bro.

It would be accurate to surmise the queer community has ceded the concept of detransition to the Right. The queer stance is, in effect, ‘it doesn’t matter anyway’—a defensive and reactive one.

That is not to say the Left as a whole is to blame for grifting detransitioners or the Right itself—the blame is always, first and foremost, on the ones that actually do the harm. And the negligence of the Left doesn’t really harm those that happily push others under the bus—sadly, some people are just assholes. No, the consequences are felt instead by detrans people that have no desire to participate in the transphobia circus, and after that, trans people themselves. The Right’s deathgrip on the detransition narrative means detransition itself is conceptually tied to the Right. Because there is no alternative trans-positive narrative, there is no way to exist as detrans and not affirm someone else’s transphobia, no matter how many times you say you don’t hate trans people. After all there is only one thing people think of when they hear ‘detransitioner.’ And now you are it, whether you like it or not.

I feared I would detransition because, on some level, I knew I might. But why fear it? It’s hard to be trans. There are clear privileges to socially presenting as your birth sex. Doctors will readily help you undo transition. I didn’t want to grift—well, fucking fantastic. Easy enough to not do something. What’s the problem?

I feared it because it’s soul-crushing to know your existence hurts the people you love most. Your friends, partners, mentors. So many cis people in my past knew me as The Trans Person—and now what? How much of the good I had done would be ruined? And by what possible example could I imagine my life as a detransitioner? What is there to even aspire to? And what about everything I’d sacrificed to transition in the first place? All the strife and ridicule I endured, only to have it whispered to me from leering faces: “See? We were right all along.”

All that, to face alone.

At a certain point my resistance to the idea of detransition was motivated only by this. Only by what others would make of me against my will. Not my personal desires. Nothing else at all. To be turned into such a spectacle, a public property of a person, felt like nothing short of death.

Part IV: Afterlife

I decided to start this substack after listening to every podcast appearance by Lucy Kartikasari I could find. She is a detrans woman with a similar yet different story; she transitioned much younger, but went through a similarly arcane approval system and years of waiting; she is not a lesbian; she has detransitioned, and she speaks in favour of trans healthcare and trans rights. The name Dolphin Diaries also originates with her—or rather, with a different, anonymous user, whose idea she broadcast on her TikTok. A dolphin as a symbol of detransition; a mammal that evolved from the ocean to walk on land and then returned to an aquatic life. I find it an appealing and pithy comparison, one free of unnecessary gendering or judgement.

There are precious few voices that speak of detransition in a positive, non-right-wing light. It’s a perspective fraught with thorny, uncomfortable questions. A perspective which is easier to ignore—unless you can’t. If for no one else, I write this for people that felt the same way I did. Trapped, not by ‘mistakes’ or by ‘gender ideology’, but by the image others have painted of them before they could even protest.

I do not write this for the Right. There is nothing I can say that would sway you, and there is nothing you can say that would sway me—and believe me, I have listened more carefully and with far more good faith than you ever have. Feel free to comment how much you pity my womb, or something. I promise to leave its fertility a mystery. I’m a tease that way.

As for other potential readers of this blog: while I do believe it a failure of queer rhetoric to adequately synthesise detransition into the overall gender politic, I don’t believe it’s everyone else’s job to create that synthesis. Who better than a detransitioner, after all? I ask not that you solve my problems for me.

I ask only that you listen.

[thewondrousdreamer]

Im properly gonna get hate for this but I need to get this out there. As a Gojo lover and self-shipper I’d like to take a minute to explain how Satoru is so mischaracterized by his fan girls and how you SatoSugu shippers and the jjk fandom as a whole really get on my nerves. Disclaimer even tho im not a SatoSugu shipper I’m not hating on the ship just the fandom. And I don’t want to hear “she only hates SatoSugu bc she ships herself with Gojo. 😡” When in reality I hate all jjk ships bc wtf is Gojo X Megumi & Gojo X Itadori??? First off Gojo RAISED Megumi and his sister like a FATHER. He was their GUARDIAN since they were little kids. Secondly they’re minors Megumi and Itadori are literally 15 and some of y’all are shipping them with a 29 year old man??? That’s crazy and disgusting. Some of y’all are even shipping him with Sukuna the person who killed him and had y’all crying. I don’t even know how that ship makes sense tbh. Satoru is a tragically written character. He was a person with good morals, dreams and ambitions. Ever since he popped out of the womb he was forced to be the strongest bc of his gifts. He didn’t even get to have a childhood bc of that burden. Satoru has witnessed lots of deaths and has more blood on his hands then necessary AND he lost his best friend the person who really understood him the most. Satoru felt alone bc no one tried to get to know him as a person and not just as the strongest. No one even had the human decency to even once ask him if he was okay or even how his day was going. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t do what Geto did and turn villainous bc no one saw him as a person, not his colleagues/peers AND DEFINITELY not his fangirls. He died for sticking to his beliefs and morals. He died trying to protect people and properly felt weak bc not only was he forgotten by his students but his sacrifice wasn’t even acknowledged. He didn’t even really get a burial. But when season 2 came out some y’all really made Satoru’s entire personality about Suguru, His BEST FRIEND. Like I get it, Satoru and Suguru had great chemistry and went well together. They were fire & ice, yin & yang but I honestly don’t see them as nothing more than brothers not to mention the ship is not only overhyped but also over sexualized and it’s fandom is toxic. Like some of you guys are literally on twitter arguing and sending death threats to people who simply don’t like the ship. And are telling other Gojo lovers to off themselves bc they ship him with themselves or their OC’s and it’s not even that deep fr. And don’t even get me started on what some of y’all are doing to the Gojo figurines…. Absolutely disgusting💀. Then you guys literally read the manga and watch the anime not for the plot but just to prove to everyone that Satoru is gay and that it should be canon or just bc Satoru is pretty and y’all see him as ‘daddy 🤢.’ Satoru is also over sexualized for no reason everywhere I go there’s fan art of him sucking off or being balls deep in Suguru or someone either (A. Doing some twisted period blood ritual to his figurine or (B. Someone on tumblr is posting on the ENTIRE INTERNET how badly they want Satoru down their throat with his nut sack against their chin. some of y’all need to touch grass fr bc honestly wtf. It’s the same thing with SatoSugu it’s so sexualized for no reason. If it’s not freaky fanart of them it’s again, more tumblr post of the freaky positions Suguru would have Satoru in bc Satoru is a bottom apparently. I’m not hating on bl or gay ships but like why are they so sexualized? Especially by straight people, straight women to be exact. And not every thing needs to have ships or be gay. Satoru is so stripped out of his character not only bc he’s pretty but bc y’all took his bond with Suguru and made it into something else entirely. Like why can’t two women or two men be best friends without getting shipped together? This happens in real life friendships too. Not only does this ruin the friendship but it takes away from the characters personality. Being in this fandom is tiring and just not fun.

[cocogum]

Let’s TALK about episodes 9 and 10 people… (part 1)

PART 2 : HERE

(‼️SPOILERS FOR SEASON 4‼️)

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If you thought episodes 7 and 8 had so much to talk about (cuz I sure did), then episodes 9 and 10 destroyed my mind.

….

I am so tired.

We begin with a small recap of what happened last episode and it’s honestly very nice and heartwarming of Ankama to remind us that Yugo will get his ass handed to him in a few minutes.

BRO LOOK AT HOW THEY’RE DRAGGING HIM ON THE DIRTY FLOOR LIKE THAT!!

The level of disrespect these thirsty hoes have for him is immeasurable. Even if Yugo’s not a kid, the fact that the necromes didn’t hesitate to tie him up like that and sacrifice him like a lamb is jaw-dropping. It really makes you understand that they don’t give a shit if you’re an actual kid, they will hang you up like a roast beef for dinner.

Bro’s asking as if he just got here.

Also, how do you think that fall must’ve felt like? Cuz when Toross yeets him, Yugo takes a massive fall only to get his body slammed into the pavement when he gets tied up.

He gets to fall even faster because of the stasis ropes pulling him down too.

You can even hear the loud slam when he hits it. That must’ve hurt like a bitch.

Btw I love how even after all that, Adamaï and Amalia still don’t trust Qilby even when he saved them from the necrome world.

Adamaï thinks he was an idiot for not using the eliatrope Dofus and…he’s right? Cuz my guy…ur scared of ruining things if you use the dofus but what are you gonna ruin in a place WHERE THERE’S NO WAKFU????

Sometimes I can’t tell whether or not that guy’s okay in his head. Like is he blind or something? You can clearly tell that the necrome world is completely deserted and has no actual life, Amalia even CONFIRMS IT for you, Toross is literally using his dofus in his world of nothing, AND it’s also literally known as the gods’ garbage bin.

No wonder you get slapped around so much, you’re stupider than Yugo!!

I never in my life thought that I’d eventually get to see Qilby booping Amalia’s nose.

And I don’t know if I should like it or if I should fear it.

Man literally booped her as if she was a kid. But then again, he IS a millennial years old so it would explain why he’d treat her like a fetus.

In a way, he really CAN see her as a kid who doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.

But like-

I never imagined this happening???? Not even in a trillion chances 😀😀

BUT WHAT CONFUSES ME EVEN MORE IS THIS :

I get that Amalia annoyed him when she said he STILL couldn’t be trusted but what do you mean by “artificial”??? I’m still confused about that.

MY QUEEN NORA AND HER GAY ASS IS BACK WITH HER SHENANIGANS GURL WE SEE U !!

You can’t tell me this scene ain’t gay 😭😭

The way she grabbed her was so sudden, it made my heart jump!! And Amalia just goes with it like a damsel in distress being protected by her knight 🥰🥰 My noramalia senses detected that shit from a mile away, you ain’t getting away!!!

That torture scene tho should’ve taken longer ngl. But Okoo being the kid that they are decided “hell nah”. It’s still a shame really but at least we got what we needed.

Also, lemme just say something about this torture scene real quick.

Not only does Yugo get sucked the living out of him, but he just got BODY SLAMMED FROM AT LEAST 290 FEET on LITERAL PAVEMENT so now his back is completely obliterated, he keeps CONVULSING, TWITCHING, and GETS HIS BONES BREAKING TO GROW LONGER ONES-

He’s feeling all that WHILE getting sucked to death. My god. I wanted to see more of that.

The only reason why he didn’t turn out ballistic was cuz Oropo was keeping him busy in his head. He literally told him that he’ll make him fight just to not think about it.

And even though Oropo does hate him (but calmed down a bit once he reunited with Yugo), he told him that even he doesn’t deserve all of this. Can you imagine the one who caused so many calamities and was ready to kill the gods because he hates you telling you that even you don’t deserve this?? It just shows how kinky this Toross guy is.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Spring 2023 Anime Overview: Yuri is my Job!

Premise: Hime Shiraki is a high schooler whose life goal is to be always cute and loved by everyone so she can achieve her dream of marrying a millionaire and living the easy life. Who cares if that means she has to lie and pretend? But then she’s roped into working at a café. The waitresses of the cafe playact as students from a fictional all girl’s school from a famous novel that focused on ‘romantic friendships’ between schoolgirls. (It’s a Class S yuri café basically. They put on a show that has the vibes and premise of Maria Watches Over Us for customers.)

Hime’s already great at acting, but she’s flummoxed by her co-worker Mitsuki. Mitsuki acts like a doting upperclassman when they’re in front of customers, but the second they’re off the clock, she’s harsh and cold to Hime. Hime is determined to make Mitsuki like her, but Mitsuki may be more than she appears…

At it's core, Yuri is My Job starts out seeming like a fun gay comedy boasting a cast full of quirky lesbians, but then reveals itself to be a complicated and fascinating examination of performance- as it intersects with queerness, girlhood, and the desire to be "likeable" and "cute," The girls at the cafe "perform" romantic friendships with each other- these friendships that they perform are uncomplicated, cute, and consumable to an audience. But the real relationships they have with each other are much less "safe" and much more complex, and the drama they deal with as real people often interferes with the "act".

Hime's entire life is about putting on a performance to seem likeable and acceptably cute to everyone, and she's terrified of seeing that performance fall to pieces. Mitsuki, in contrast, struggled as a child because she COULDN'T acceptably fake that "likeable" cuteness. She was too honest, too blunt and awkward, too "real". Most queer people know the stress of having to put on an act and hide your real self to be acceptable, and YIMJ explores this wonderfully with these characters.

It's not just Hime and Mitsuki,the rest of the cast struggles too. Kanoko is so invested in her role of "supportive best friend" and being the only one Hime drops the act around, she's also suppressing her real self and her real romantic feelings for Hime. As a result, she becomes possessive, jealous, and expresses her feelings in secretive, unhealthy ways. The irony is that she believes in order to access Hime's "real" self, she has to put on her own mask. She can't picture a life outside her role as pining best friend. The pining, obsessive (sometimes in just a mildly quirky way, sometimes not so much) lesbian best friend with an unrequited crush  is a well worn trope both in yuri and non-yuri anime-think Tomoyo from CCS- but YIMJ examines the trauma that comes with that and how suppressing a part of yourself to play a role might feed into that obsessive behavior.

Meanwhile. we have Sumika, who is VERY invested in the romantic friendships of the cafe, and had come to believe real romance is toxic and ruins the purity of those relationships. She panics when confronted with the reality of queerness and when she sees two coworkers enter a blatant queer relationship. Sumika's whole deal is maybe the most fascinating at all, and makes a lot of sense if you look at it as a critique of Class S, "pure" yuri, and the fucked up world of internalized lesbophobia.

In recent years, there's been more yuri critiquing the trappings of "Class S" yuri. Class S is yuri that straddles the line between 'friendship' and 'romance', typically taking place in an all-girl's school sealed off from the rest of society, with an either unspoken or spoken implication that the lesbianism is just a transient phase and all the girls will eventually renter the "real world" have to settle down and marry a man.

There's been some pushback against these ideas, obviously. Bloom into You, Run Away with me Girl and many other yuri examine how harmful  'just a phase' rhetoric is towards lesbians. Flip Flappers famously had the episode where the girls were caught in a creepy Class S school that led them on an endless cycle where nothing ever changed and the days were horribly repetitive. Yurikuma Arashi also gave it's (somewhat muddled) critique of Class S. And it's impossible to fully analyze Yuri is my Job without seeing the skillful critique of Class S that's woven into the narrative.

The trappings of class S aren't confined into the world of manga- the idea that lesbianism is just a phase, that girls expressing real romantic or sexual desire toward each other is toxic and sullies the purity of sisterhood, that it's okay to be a LITTLE gay with your gal pals but you can't cross that line!!!- all of that is part of the stigma real queer women struggle with and sometimes internalize.  So when we consider Sumika''s terror of actual "romance" invading the cafe and ruining the sisterhood, her ideas that romance must be toxic, her belief that the cafe is this safe space sealed off from the rest of the world where girls can be a little bit queer, but they musn't let the actual problems and messy realities of romance invade- it's not just a Class S critique, it's about a mindset most queer women are familiar with and have to struggle to unlearn. And seeing Sumika grapple with this makes her a very real and wonderfully realized character. And the manga will only continue to go further with those themes.

But Yuri is my Job doesn't just work as a nuanced examination of queerness- it's also a well told drama full of wonderfully fraught relationships. It's fun to see the growing romances and the sweet connections growing between the characters, as complicated as they are. The backstory reveal that explains the tension between Mitsuki and Hime is top tier drama and relationship writing, and there's also a good dose of comedy to keep viewers entertained. Watching this web of relationships become even more tangled, and discovering the baggage all the girls carry is a good (and sometime heartbreaking) time. They're well-done characters. If you enjoy fucked up girls and don't mind a touch of soapy melodrama, you're in for a treat. These girls are a MESS, but a fascinating one.

I should note that it's also very easy to read these characters as neurodivergent- Hime having to craft a "facade" just to socialize regularly, while Mitsuki very obviously struggles with social cues- well, Vrai wrote a whole article on this with their article What role are you playing? Communication, queerness and nerodivergence in Yuri is My Job, so I'll leave that to them.

Yes, Yuri is My Job has all this amazing nuance...and there's a half an episode where Mitsuki's boobs bounce a bunch. It contains multitudes. The episode does touch on both Hime's obvious fascination with what Mitsuki's packin' and the struggle big chested women face when just wearing normal clothes is seen a "lewd"- but YMMV on how it's resolved. They definitely centered Mitsuki's pain (and Hime's thirst), but also mined it for mild comedic fanservice, and the ending is more "we found a good compromise" than the pure "fuck people for sexualizing you in a normal outfit because you have big boobs, wear whatever you want" message that people might want.

I also saw a lot of people get frustrated with how hard everyone is on Hime in the early episodes when she's new to the job- this pretty much stops after episode 3 and the attitude toward her is fully explained, so please give this four episode watch to fully see if this show is for you. (But of course, if you don't like to see girls sometimes expressing attraction in suppressed, unhealthy ways (eSPECIALLY Kanoko), no matter how it's ultimately examined thematically, this isn't the show for you.)

Overall, the YIMJ anime was a faithful adaptation of a wonderful manga- unfortunately, I worry that we'll never get the season two that gives us some of the best moments of the story so far. But hopefully seeing it will inspire you to check out the manga and see how hard this story can go! It's definitely a special one, and I really recommend it.

[stephennglass]

ok guys why do we have to ruin people’s fun🤗 we go slightly (maybe more to you idk but i didn’t think it was that bad) out of character and it’s the end of the world. not to mention, i feel like half of the people complaining about it don’t even frequently interact or don’t interact at all. i’ve also seen that a lot of the people complaining as well, are the same people who constantly talk about how badly the rp accounts ruined the hayden christensen community and you wanted them gone. why does it bother you if you don’t even want these accounts up in the first place. but if it bothers you SO MUCH there are multiples of each account so it’s extremely easy to find a new one to interact with. at the end of the day it was funny & boys will be boys so who’s to say none of them would do what we did :-/. but you kinda act like we changed our names to “stephen but gay” or something. no it wasn’t even THAT bad. now accounts are shifting back to being boring and unfunny and eventually you’ll go and complain about them being boring. you ask for too much, and this isn’t targeted but it’s the truth. you want too much from a person who lives a real life and wants to come here for reality escapes and/or to have fun. personally i don’t think i’ll change much about my account but with other people changing theirs i might have no choice because i don’t have anything to do. not to say i didn’t like my account before, but it was kind of boring and i got to meet new people doing cross overs using these hayden christensen rp accounts. you are simply miserable and boring if you can’t let people have fun, especially when half of the complaints i’ve seen are people who don’t even hardly go on these accounts. who’s to say people wont start to quit these accounts because you’ve made them unfun. what next? you going to complain because they’re all gone. it’s ridiculous.

anyway, good morning. i tend to have a real life to attend instead of making people feel shitty on the internet so i’ll be back as soon as i can. :-)

[womenaremypriority]

I’m so often sad at the fact our language around sexuality has been so ruined. It sucks that it’s so hard to tell if someone actually means it when they say they’re lesbian, or homosexual, or bisexual. I don’t think it improves our understanding of human sexuality. I don’t think it gives us language to communicate our experiences and how they can differ. I don’t think it does anything but alienate us and make communication harder. And I don’t think it’s for questioning people, either. I questioned for a while whether I was lesbian or bisexual, I’m not trying to act like people sincerely having doubts or changing their mind is wrong. But for one, what I’m talking about is not sincere, and for two, this ‘nothing has definitions but there are a million sexualities ’ culture made it worse for my questioning teenage self. How does it help anyone if we can’t even communicate basic concepts. How does it help anyone deal with loneliness and the struggles of finding community… it actively prevents that.

I so desperately want to find gay and bisexual friends in real life but this is a barrier to be honest.

[im-out-of-it]

part four of season one recap 🔥

the only times I liked clary:

and also this:

I think she can get a little leeway in perhaps the first episode but after all she does, I don’t feel bad for her and I can’t stand her character. Clary and Jace are almost the same person so it’s no wonder Valentine convinced them that they’re siblings. AND ALSO HOW DUMB DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BELIEVE A VILLAIN?????? THEY ARE KNOWN LIARS AND SOCIOPATHS

they’re both conceited but jace on the other hand knows better. he’s been a shadowhunter for years and knows not to treat Alec and Izzy as they don’t matter. Clary goes to the shadow world and starts bossing everyone around all in the name of finding her mother. which I try to sympathize but when she is making Alec’s life worse than no, I don’t like you. she also doesn’t seem to ever be grateful to Alec. almost ruined everything and is like I guess I should thank you. I GUESS????????? my boy Alec is the reason you have your mother because they could’ve sent your ass to idris.

Alec has done nothing but take the blame and go on numerous missions for the sake of Jocelyn. she’s not a good person and I still stand by this: YALL SHOULD HAVE SENT HER ASS TO IDRIS THE MOMENT SHE SHOWED UP

Alec’s life is on the line- his family’s reputation, the institutes reputation, Izzy almost losing her runes, the emotional turmoil this puts on Alec, an arranged marriage for Alec. you can even put ragnor dying. Jace and clary run around not thinking about the consequences and repercussions. honestly clary and jace deserve each other since they want to suffocate everyone else all in the name of their “love”. I don’t buy their chemistry. it’s not there. there is absolutely nothing to root for. and I know I’m biased coming from a Malec fan but the acting isn’t there for clary and Jace, their characters don’t have any redeeming qualities so what are we supposed to root for? there’s nothing special from either of them

I just really love his eyes 😌

alec knows that Magnus used all his magic and he’s, he’s cleaning for Magnus 🥹

but some moments of alec being the caring, loving, moody man that he is:

his little pouty face and everything 🥹

THE GAY PANIC IS REAL

to be fair, people are annoying so 😬

and then before I leave ya for the last part of the recap, I have to add these scenes because the facial expressions are everything (ALEC FORGOT WHY HES HAPPY) I’m sorry but it’s so fucking funny and just makes me love Alec and Magnus even more

let me just add these ones: (I love AU mags)

so I’ll see y’all in a minute and I have one more part to do. Im going to include some Raphael and Simon (because they’re amazing) and more Malec stuff but thank y’all for enduring me 🥰

[literary-illuminati]

Book Review 40 – Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin

Okay, 40th book of the year! And yes I’m going to be smug about that, no matter how pathetically it pales in comparison to some of the rest of you. To commemorate the occasion I decided to acquire some actual Culture of the kind I can talk about reading to older relatives and have them nod approvingly. I’d say I wish this had been assigned in some English class I took, but honestly I’d have just ended up skimming and using sparknotes and generally ruined it for myself.

Baldwin, as it turns out, really does live up to the hype. This book was absolutely sublime. I feel like it’s going to be impossible to be fair to whatever I read next.

The book follows David, an American expat in late ‘50s Paris. Specifically, a queer man with truly apocalyptic levels of internalized homophobia and lack of self-awareness spending his late 20s valiantly pretending not to be gay while contriving every possible excuse not to go back to his father and the rest of his life in America. The book takes place while his girlfriend is taking an extended vacation in Spain deciding whether she wants to marry him, and he meets Giovanni, a gorgeous Italian man who’d left his village and ended up in Paris under unclear circumstance, while he’s working at a gay bar David views with visceral contempt even as he visits it. They have a passionate romance, and unsurprisingly it all falls apart in a mess of a tragedy that ruins just about everyone involved (Giovanni most of all).

This was the most beautiful thing I’ve read all year. I’m not even sure it’s particularly close. Every single page had a line or two of incidental narration or dialogue that struck me enough to want to save it – I’d given up trying to note them all by the end of the first chapter. The narration has the sort of elevated, literary quality where everyone is two or three times more eloquent and articulate than they really should be, but when the things they say are so lovely it’s hard to mind that minor offence against verisimilitude – the constant peppering of French into everyone’s dialogue is honestly much more of an annoyance, if only because it keeps making me wonder what language all the other dialogue among these French Parisians is supposed to be in. The exact details of their speech (and tendency to monologue about the details of their psychology) aside, just about every character felt really, achingly real, all broken by the world in one way or another and dealing with it with whatever self-destructive coping mechanisms they have to call their own. Insert your favourite Richard Silken quote here.

Tangentially to the actual content of the book; I of course know Baldwin was one of the canonical Great Authors of the 20th century (I knew this before I knew literally any other fact about him), but my god does the edition I have of the book lay it on thick. There’s a 17-page forward that seemed to be an incredibly dryly written English essay talking about his influences and the role of Paris in American literature and etc (I skimmed the first few pages and skipped the rest, as is my habit with forwards by people who had nothing to do with actually creating the book and whose name I don’t recognize), followed by several more pages of a timeline of the authors life. I swear it’s like they’re trying to make reading this seem as much like homework as possible.

Even more tangentially; I was aware that Baldwin was gay, before reading this, and more vaguely aware that some of his work explored this. But I was expecting more, like, Great Gatsby-plus levels of subtext, not just explicit and unsanitized portrayals being the focus of the entire book. That came out in ‘59! Not exactly an obscure or reviled one either. I feel like I could go back and retroactively give myself permission to sneer and roll my eyes at a lot of ‘grounbreaking queer representation’ now. (This is a sign I have spent altogether too much of my life reading discourse on tumblr and tiwtter).

Trying to talk about the themes of Giovanni’s Room is probably just wasted effort – spend five minutes and I’m sure you can find an extensively researched essay by someone whose devoted years of their life to the subject. But it did really strike me how, like, fundamentally inegalitarian the book’s vision of romance is? Aside from David and Giovanni themselves I mean (and even then, David’s internalized homophobia expressed itself in large part through a terror and resentment of being made the woman (domestic homemaker) to Giovanni’s man (breadwinner)). David and Hella’s relationship is just drowning in ‘50s patriarchy, of course, with the future they sketch out for themselves both baldly hierarchical and just incredibly bleak, and David’s parents and upbringing aren’t exactly inspirational reading either. But Paris’ gay underground isn’t exactly portrayed as a liberated and welcoming space – it’s disgusting older men blatantly exploiting and being exploited by desperate younger ones, everyone involved pretending they don’t know what they’re doing and hating themselves and each other for it. All just incredibly unsentimental and anti-romantic.

David as a character and as a narrator really was fascinating, too. In that he’s such a fucking mess with zero awareness of his emotions who keeps making everything worse and seems to almost cause as much heartache for everyone around him as he possibly could. If he wasn’t the protagonist he’d be the most loathsome character in the book, or at least close to it. Was great.

Though one thing that really does drive home how historical the setting is is just how coincidental so many social meetings are. The cast is largely a bunch of bohemians and vagabonds and expatriates without real fixed addresses, and so much of their interaction revolves around just happening to run into each other as they frequent some of the same locales. Which, like, yes, that is just how socializing worked for most people until a historical ten minutes ago, but still very alien to me, someone with an electronic correspondence planning and scheduling ~90% of social things I’ve done since I left school.

Anyway yes, this isn’t an easy read – most emotional and heartwrenching thing I’ve read all year by far, and the only thing last year I can really think of that might beat it is the final chapters of The Making of the Atomic Bomb – but it really is a beautiful one. Five stars.

[imaginejamesandsirius]

Heyyy! here’s a prompt: James and Sirius are tired of constantly turning people down and watching their food for Amortentia or any variation of it so they decide to pretend to be gay and in love. Please make them get together for real in the end :)))

((Note: This fic was written by starlitmusings our newest author! It's ~9k, so you can read below, or on her AO3))

Early morning light filters through the thin curtains of the sixth-year boys’ dormitory, bathing the room with a soft golden hue. James, whose bed is closest to the window, stretches lazily and looks over to the sleeping boy curled next to him.

“Pads,” he whispers. There’s a stray lock of hair falling across his friend’s face, and James has the strange but familiar urge to tuck it in behind his ear and—

And what? Ruin the relationship you have with the most important person in your life?  James dispels the thought with the ease of someone who’s had to do it many times before. “Pads,” he says again, giving him a gentle push. “Wake up, we’ll be late. The others will hog the loo if we don’t get up first.”

Sirius stirs, feels the light on the exposed parts of his body, and promptly locks his legs around James. He blindly finds the crook of James’ neck and buries his face into it with a mumbled, “Don’t want to. ‘M comfy.”

James resists the urge to laugh and instead jams a finger into his shoulder. 

“Ow! Bloody hell, you fucking traitor,” Sirius yelps as he pulls away from James. He sits up slowly and stretches with a yawn, and James finds his gaze drawn to the way the light hits the hard, Quidditch-toned planes of Sirius’ bare chest and arms. 

“I can’t skive off of classes anymore, Sirius, you know that. Besides, you need time to get your hair care routine in or you’ll be a brat all day,” James replies once he wills his eyes to look anywhere but his half-naked friend. The friend that’s half-naked on his bed, his brain promptly supplies, and James mentally kicks himself for the thought.

“Stupid Dumbledore and his stupid decision to make you the stupid Head Boy,” Sirius grumbles. “And I don’t even have a bloody hair care routine, Jamie, you should know that the generational inbreeding took care of that.”

James laughs, trying not to show just how much he agrees with Sirius’ words and heads over to the bathroom with Sirius hot on his heels despite his muttered complaints. Not five minutes, later, Remus and Peter are barging in and kicking them out for taking too long, and James throws Sirius a smug I-told-you-so grin. Sirius rolls his eyes. 

As they’re pulling on their uniforms, Sirius approaches James with an uncharacteristic hesitation. “Prongs,” he begins. “We’re mates, right?”

James nods. “Obviously.” 

“I was thinking, we always share a bed, right?” 

“Right,” James says slowly, unsure of where this is heading.

“And are constantly with each other and want to be near each other, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So I was thinking—” he’s cut off by the bathroom door slamming open and Remus coming out.

“Morning,” he greets them. “Have you seen my sweater? The one with—”

“In my trunk,” James interrupts. Remus pulls it out with a triumphant grin and pecks James on the cheek. “I need to leave a little early to talk to Minnie about my last essay,” he says as he rushes out the door. “See you at breakfast.” 

There’s silence for a minute before Peter rushes out similarly to Remus just had. Finally free of their dormmates, James turns to Sirius with a raised eyebrow. Go on.  

“Y’know how there’s a Hogsmeade weekend coming up?”

“Sure, so?”

“Well, I was thinking that I’d rather not be accosted by a bunch of people asking for a date when we’re not interested. So let’s pretend we’re dating.”

James blinks, stares, and blinks again. “Come again?”

Sirius sighs, his fingers fiddling with the hems of his sleeves. James thinks he sees the beginning of a light blush on his cheeks, but he also thinks Sirius just said he wants to date him so his mental facilities were clearly malfunctioning. Until Sirius repeats, more slowly this time, “Let’s pretend we’re dating.”

He had heard Sirius loud and clear the first time, but he still can't believe what he’s hearing. He’s not nearly awake or caffeinated enough to handle the love of his life asking him out. Never mind that Sirius wants it to be fake, whatever that means. 

“Um,” he starts. “Wait, what exactly do you—”

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Jamie,” Sirius says exasperatedly. “I want you to pretend to be my boyfriend to stop random people from confessing to me. Last week a bloke sent a dwarf to sing me a poem about how he’s going to drink a potion to spontaneously create himself a vagina so I can put babies in him. Like, what the fuck, no thank you.”

“You…didn’t tell me that,” James says, wide-eyed with a mixture of horror and awe. Before he can filter his words — though Merlin knows is his brain is capable of that now — he blurts out, “I’ll do it, obviously, but why me?”

“You know what everyone says, we’re basically a married couple already. Nobody else can make it convincing enough. You’re the best candidate.”

“And Remus can’t because…?”

“You know he’s got his eyes on Regulus.” Sirius scrunches his nose and makes a disgusted sound. “Which is, like, wrong on so many levels I wouldn’t even know where to begin."

James lets out a stangled laugh. “Okay, I get it. But why me, and you know, not someone you actually want to ask out?”

“If I wanted to ask someone out, I wouldn’t be having this problem, now would I?” Sirius retorts. “Besides, you were complaining after Potions the other day about how you caught some girls sneaking Amortentia to slip into our drinks. I was thinking, this way we both benefit and it’s not as awkward as it would be with a stranger.”

This was starting to sound like a horrible idea, but James knew he was going to go through with it regardless as soon as Sirius made his offer. “We’ll need a cover story if we want to get anyone to believe us.”

Sirius nods, pulling James behind him and they make their way down to the Great Hall. “That’s easy since most people think we’re dating already. Let’s just say that we fancied each other for years. It all came to a head this summer when I moved in with you. We’ve actually been dating since summer but we’re only making it official now.”

James hums as he thinks it over. “And Moony and Pete don’t know about this?”

Sirius waves his hand in a careless gesture. “Eh. We’ll tell them the real reason later.” He eyes James carefully, then laces their fingers together. “The rumours will start faster this way,” he says by way of explanation, and James prays on all the gods he doesn’t believe in that Sirius doesn’t notice his racing heartbeat. 

As predicted, whispers and curious glances towards the pair begin as soon as they enter the Great Hall. Sirius turns to James with a gleeful grin and pulls on his hand to press a kiss on his knuckles. There are some squeals and James thinks he sees a third-year pass out, and he’d be lying if he weren’t close to doing the same. 

“What the fuck, you guys,” Remus hisses to them as they sit down. “We were gone for less than ten minutes!”

“We’ll have you know, our darling, precious Moonbeam,” says Sirius, “that James and I are very efficient. Would’ve been a shame if it took longer than that to declare our undying love to each other.”

Remus scoffs. “Would’ve been normal, you mean, considering that your love is neither undying nor existent.”

“How dare you. We are disgustingly in love, I’ll have you know,” Sirius counters, and wraps an arm around James pointedly. James flushes and turns away from Remus’ knowing gaze.

This was going to be a long week.

It doesn’t take long before everyone in Hogwarts is aware of the relationship status of the school’s two most desired students. Most of the upper years congratulate them as they collect their bet winnings and comment on how good they look together, and one fifth-year shyly tells them that their bravery to come out helped them come out to their friends too. 

In hindsight, James realizes that coming out wasn’t even a factor in his decision to fake a relationship. It’s never been a secret that he was bisexual, but it makes sense that a lot of people are surprised since he never publicly announced it. He expects to feel somewhat uneasy, but it’s surprisingly easy to fall into a pattern with his best friend. Sirius was right in that there are hardly any differences in their relationship now that they’re dating — apart from random pecks and hand-holding, which never fail to make James’ stomach explode with butterflies. 

Later that week, when all the sixth-year Gryffindors are lounging on the sofas nearest to the fire, Lily looks at them cheekily. “You boys are remembering to use protection, right?” she asks with a grin. James sputters and throws a pillow at her. Sirius just laughs and reassures her that, yes, darling, of course we are.

James wishes what Sirius said was true. He mostly wishes that he wasn’t in love with his best friend and that he had never agreed to this stupid plan. While he had always pined from afar before, it was much harder to hide his feelings when the object of his desires was now so close.  

“This is the place?” Regulus asks doubtfully, eyeing two little girls in pigtails eating a cloud of pink fluff near the entryway. “The Muggle — uh, park for amusement?”

Remus bounces in excitement, eyes lit up. “Yes! I’m so glad you all agreed to come. This place has been one of my favourite places since I was young.” 

Regulus’ eyes soften as he reaches over to fix his boyfriend’s scarf. “Then I’m glad you brought me here.”

Sirius mimes gagging as the new couple rolls their eyes. James grins and nudges Sirius. 

“ You’re the one who agreed to have a double date instead of eating through our Honeydukes stash together,” he reminds him. 

Sirius huffs. “You can’t expect to resist Reg when he does those eyes on me! And Remus joining in? I was doomed from the start.”

“Says the one who’s actually a dog,” Regulus deadpans. “You of all people should be immune to puppy eyes.”

“I think becoming an Animagus made me less immune, actually,” Sirius muses. “It’s probably to prepare if I ever become a puppy dad.”

Regulus blanches while James and Remus crack up. “I wouldn’t be surprised,” Remus says, laughing. “Remember that lady at the park near Lils’ place with the poodle?”

James bends over with laughter while Sirius shoves them both. “I hate you two! You promised you wouldn’t!”

“Wait, no, I need to know this,” Regulus is grinning evilly, the look worthy of a Black. “Tell me more?”

Remus takes his hand. “With pleasure.”

Sirius puts his nose in the air and huffs again. “That’s my cue to take my leave. James, come with?”

“You look like Mum like that,” Regulus tells him. When Sirius glares at him, he laughs. “That makes the resemblance even better.” Sirius rolls his eyes and turns to James.

“Yeah, okay, but it’s your fault if we get lost,” James replies. He takes a map and bids the other two goodbye, promising to meet them near the food court at lunch. 

“I won’t get lost. I have you, remember?” Sirius says. James raises an eyebrow.

“That would be romantic, but I’m hardly any better than you at navigating this place.”

“At least we’ll have fun?”

“Why are you saying that like a question?”

“My most sincerest apologies. We’ll most definitely have fun!”

“Better.”

“Idiot.”

“Hey, at least I’m your idiot now.”  

Sirius looks over at him with an unreadable expression. “This is fake, Prongs.”

James feels his throat tighten. “Yeah, I know,” he says and tries to ignore the unpleasant clench of his stomach. He thinks he’s successful, but Sirius’ keen gaze seems to read right through the act.

The music playing on a loop as they pass the Tunnel O’ Love overlaps chaotically with excited yells and sounds of carnival games, and sweet, fatty smells mingle with the pine in the air. Sirius leads James along a curling path to a blue-and-gold ticket booth near the entrance, proudly pulling out a stack of Muggle money Remus had given him. 

“I’ll get us two tickets, while you can figure out where you want to go first,” he tells James and hands over a map from the ticket booth. James eyes his arse appreciatively while he flirts with the ticket woman, but quickly averts his gaze when she looks at him knowingly.

James stares at the colourful piece of paper, trying to figure out how to read it. “Does the — uh, does the House of Mirrors sound okay?”

“What, you want to get lost for real? Relying on me, who’s never spoken to a Muggle in my life, to navigate a Muggle wonderland isn’t doing enough for you?”

James shoves him and has to resist a grin when Sirius barks out his laughter. “I’m joking! That sounds fine,” Sirius says, now holding two tickets and a business card with a hastily scrawled number on it. “I’d love to start the day staring at myself from all angles. And you, of course. You’re pretty easy on the eyes.”

“Aww, did my darling Padfoot just say I’m good-looking?” James teases. Sirius rolls his eyes but he can’t hide the smile on his face. 

“Stop fishing for compliments. You know you are."

James’ face flushes. He doesn’t respond while he buys them both churros, some Muggle sweet that tastes like heaven. It’s sweet on his tongue and it helps to distract him a little from the cooler October winds and the sight Sirius makes. He tries not to notice how Sirius moves closer to him for warmth when a large gust hits them, but he can’t ignore the warmth that fills him when he does.

“Is this it?” Sirius asks after a long but comfortable silence. He eyes the pink archway over the entrance of the House of Mirrors distrustfully. 

James nods, face illuminated by the neon lights crisscrossing over the room. “You want to see who can make it out first?”

“Oh, you’re on.” Sirius doesn’t wait a second before taking off to the right. James laughs and takes a left. 

The sound of people hustling through the maze fades as James takes a few steps in. He meets an expected pane of glass and turns right into a new room framed with arches of light. Starting to become more purposeful with his turns, and trying to recall the map of the maze from the entrance, he changes directions but is met with glass. He tries again, with no success.

He’s trying to stay calm, but eventually, the fact that he’s lost and alone and stuck in a glass maze in a Muggle park with no Sirius around starts to become unnerving. His pulse quickens, and he tells himself to keep moving. 

Another glass wall. Keep moving. 

He spins left. Keep moving. 

He’s about to turn right — keep moving — but he slams into someone as he rounds the corner. “Shit,” they gasp, clutching their neck. “Are you okay?”

James nods. He’s feeling a bit dazed so it takes him a moment to realize. “Wait, Sirius? Oh bloody fuck, did I bite you?”

The other person — Sirius — sputters out a laugh. “James? Yeah, you did. It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Sirius. I have blood on my teeth, and I don’t think it’s mine.”

Sirius winces. “Yeah, well, I’ve dealt with worse than a bitten collarbone.”

“If it helps, I don’t have rabies.”

“Why would that help? And also, you might have rabies as Prongs.”

A pensive look crosses James’ face. “Wait, you think? Oh shit, let me take a look.”

Sirius stills, then shrugs James’ hand off his shoulder. “I said I’m fine.”

“And I said, let me see.” Without waiting for Sirius’ response, James steps closer to inspect the teeth marks. This close, he can smell Sirius’ peppermint toothpaste and their shared shampoo and something warm and a little earthy, and he can see how the glow of Sirius’ skin under the fluorescent lighting gives him an almost alien-like look. James swallows and wills his blood back up. His best friend’s bleeding, and he’s getting a hard-on. What the fuck?

He distracts himself with healing the small cuts. “There. Good as new,” he says and steps back quickly, only for Sirius to grab his wrist. His grey eyes are dark, reflecting the pink and blue lights overhead. 

“Prongs,” he murmurs. “If you want to—” 

“Yeah,” James breathes out, voice ragged and low. “Anything you want.”

Sirius lets his hand trail up James’ arm, pushing up the sleeve of his sweatshirt and leaving goosebumps in his wake. There’s a split second of hesitation before he’s leaning in, and then James can’t think of anything other than Sirius, his best friend and better half, who smells edible and tastes like the churros they were having earlier and who’s doing something with his tongue that has James gasping and pushing Sirus back against the glass. There’s a crash nearby and some people laughing and they’re springing apart, eyes wide and dark. 

“Why haven’t we been doing this forever?” Sirius breathes. “Fuck, Prongs. That was…”

“Yeah,” James agrees, but he’s unsure what he’s agreeing to. “Wait, what?”

“We should’ve been doing this all along,” Sirius repeats. “I mean, we are dating.”

“Fake,” James automatically says. He thinks he sees disappointment flash across Sirius’ features, but puts it to a trick of the light. 

“Right. Let’s get out of here, yeah? The others will be wondering where we are.”

“Okay,” James says quietly. He’s feeling somewhat off-centre from the kiss and the conversation afterwards, so he leans against Sirius and smiles when he lets him take his hand. 

They seem to walk for hours, and James could swear they went past the same benches a few times, but it feels much easier with Sirius by his side. As soon as the thought forms, as though he can read his mind, Sirius turns to James and gives him a breathtaking smile. “I like it better when you’re with me,” he says softly. 

James stills, heart racing. Between the kiss and now this, he’s feeling rather shaky. “Me too,” he replies quickly, then notices the intensity of the noise here. There’s a barely visible gap between two mirrors facing out, and James grins. 

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I win,” James says with a laugh, slipping between the glass panes and out into the open air. Sirius comes following, hot on his heels, and whirls to face James. 

“That’s not fair! We were having a moment and I was distracted!”

“Nobody told you to get all sappy on me,” James retorts. “As the winner, I choose the next place we go to.”

“You chose this place too,” Sirius grumbles, but begrudgingly gives James the win. 

“I want to go there.” James points to a large open canopy, under which there seem to be millions of children. “Please?”

“I’m not playing against babies, ” Sirius says. “There’s no way.”

“Your loss. Watch me then, you sore loser.” James grins when Sirius flips him the bird.

“Wait, no, look! Isn’t that Remus?”

James looks around and brightens when he sees him. “Yes! Oh wow, I’m actually hungry. Race you!”

Sirius shakes his head in disbelief then runs off to catch up. 

After lunch, when their stomachs are full of burgers and what Remus calls funnel cakes, James insists on playing until he wins a huge dog plush. He spends the Muggle equivalent of 20 galleons and is about to try again when Remus grabs him by the arm to drag him away. He’s whining and struggling against him when Regulus comes over. 

“Reggie! Tell your boyfriend to let me go!”

Regulus turns to Sirius. “Is this about that toy?”

“I need to win that for Sirius! Think of my dignity, I can’t let toddlers win games that I can’t!”

Sirius pulls James against him. “I don’t need a mediocre representation of my beautiful Animagus form, love. It’s fine if they win.”

“No,” James gasps. “Not you too!”

“It’s not your fault you’re bad at kid games,” Regulus teases. 

“Oi, these machines are rigged against us magical folk anyways,” Sirius consoles, ruffling James’ hair. The three of them have to physically drag his thrashing body away a minute later when a kid no older than four comes up to the machine right after them and manages to win the plush in one go.

“Wha—how in the world—can I steal it from him?”

Remus raises an eyebrow. “You’re not stealing a toy from a four-year-old, James, what happened to your morals?”

“I lost it with my dignity!”

Regulus laughs. “Close your mouth, James, flies are gonna go in.”

“But—But my Padfoot plushie—”

“How dare you insinuate that that crappy fabric monstrosity is me. ”

James sniffles. “It was beautiful. It would’ve kept me so warm at night.”

“What am I for?”

“Your feet are too cold,” James says miserably. “I wanted that!”

Sirius purses his lips. “For that, I’m not sleeping with you tonight.”

James blinks. “You don’t mean that. I can’t get my plushie, and now I won’t get Siri snuggles?”

Regulus and Remus crack up, and Sirius shakes his head with an amused huff. James pouts the entire way home.

“Uh, Sirius? What are you doing?” James asks, surprised to see Sirius waiting for him outside detention. “You’re supposed to be at dinner.”

“I was waiting for you to finish,” Sirius says, smoothing down nonexistent dust from the dark Muggle jeans he’s wearing. “Come on, we’re going out.”

“What?”

“I’m treating you to dinner. Being a proper boyfriend and all that.”

James blinks. “We’re not proper boyfriends.”

Sirius glances up. “Do you want to be?”

What. James has no idea how to respond to that so he busies himself with transfiguring his robes to something more casual. He lets himself get dragged to the Three Broomsticks where they have shepherd’s pie, drink too much Butterbeer, and call it dinner. Between the good food and good company, James can’t bring himself to complain, even though Sirius is acting a lot weirder than usual.

“I was thinking,” Sirius begins. The two of them are curled around each other on a sofa in front of the fire, watching Remus and Regulus play Exploding Snap. It’s a Friday night, and they’re pushing off their homework to Sunday.

“Oh no,” James groans theatrically. “Last time you said that, we had to start dating!”

Sirius shoves him. “Oh, fuck off.” Then, noticing others looking their way with confused glances, Sirius raises his voice. “Yes, and how good did the idea come out to be?”

James catches his drift. “Yeah, it was one of your better ideas for sure.” He leans down to kiss him without thinking and freezes when he realizes what he just did. They’re both still for a second before Sirius flips them over and snogs him so thoroughly that James thinks he probably won’t get the taste of him out for a week.

Regulus throws a cushion at them. “Get a room, you insufferable wankers.”

Sirius flips him off. “Remember that when you’re sucking Moony’s face off, you tosser.”

Remus winces. “Why are you so crude?”

Sirius ignores him, turning back to James. “So I was thinking, we should go see your parents this weekend.”

“Like right now?” James asks, bewildered. 

“Our relationship has been the talk of the school for a few weeks now. I think they’d appreciate hearing it from us before they get it from someone else.”

James sits up quickly, nearly knocking Sirius over. “Fuck, I did not think this would go so far.”

“Why, are you ashamed of me?”

“No! I just don’t want to, you know, lie to my parents about dating my best friend. Who’s basically their son? Is that incest?”

“It doesn’t have to be a lie,” Sirius says quietly. “And ew, what the hell, Prongs, why would this be incest!” 

James stares at him. “Why do you keep saying that when you’re the one who came up with the whole fake part of this?”

Sirius looks away. “Never mind. Do you want to go now? Because Minnie’s probably still awake. We could use her Floo.”

James stares for a moment longer. “Um, okay.”

He heads toward the portrait hole, missing the worried look Remus and Regulus shoot toward Sirius. 

“James! Sirius! What a surprise, I missed you both so much!” Euphemia says happily as she grabs them in a tight hug. “You’ve already grown so much and it’s only been a few months!”

James smiles as he leans down to kiss her head, tension leaving his shoulders at her embrace. “We missed you too, Mum. Where’s Dad?”

“In the office, I presume. Oh, come here, you,” she pulls Sirius over to kiss his cheeks. Sirius smiles, cheeks turning pink, and squeezes her back just as hard.

“What’s this?” Fleamont asks as he walks over. “Well, would you look at that, my sons finally remembered they have parents!”

James watches as Sirius stiffens with a flush before relaxing with a brilliant smile. “I’m sorry I haven’t been keeping in touch as much as I want to. We’re so busy with school.”

Fleamont laughs. “I’m just messing with you.” He grabs James into a headlock, which James resists for half a minute before giving up. Pressing a kiss on his son’s forehead, he turns to Sirius and greets him the same way.

“I can’t say I’m unhappy with this surprise, but why so sudden? I wasn’t expecting either of you two.” Euphemia pulls them over to the living room and calls their house-elf to prepare something for them to eat, despite their insistence of having already eaten dinner.

There’s a few minutes of tense silence. “Well, it’s just that—” James tries to begin, but gets interrupted by the house-elf returning with tea and biscuits.

“We’re dating,” Sirius blurts out. He’s watching Euphemia and Fleamont with a steady glance, face betraying nothing. James stares at him, wishing he could vanish into thin air. He’s gotten used to introducing themselves as boyfriends to the people at school, so it shouldn’t sound so foreign, but in front of his parents, he feels stripped bare. 

Fleamont sets down his teacup and Euphemia pauses. James watches tentatively as their expressions morph into one of surprise before shifting to joy. Fleamont’s smile twitches and Euphemia’s eyes glitter merrily. 

“I can’t say we didn’t expect this,” Euphemia says, tea all but forgotten as she leans forward to take their hands in hers. “When did this start?”

“Over the summer, but we didn’t know how to tell you,” Sirius replies once he realizes that James has lost all ability to function. “We made it official a little bit into the school year.”

Fleamont grins. “No wonder you were so eager to get away this year.”

Sirius laughs. James wants to die. “I can’t help it. I just want James all to myself, even when he’s right next to me.”

Euphemia coos. “I can’t believe Sirius is the first boyfriend you brought home for us to meet, James. You’re getting all grown up, aren’t you?” she says, pinching his cheeks and James pulls away in embarrassment. 

There’s a part of him that wants to confess and tell them that they’re not actually a couple and it was just a silly mistake, but he can’t bring himself to. Not when they’re both looking at them so excited about their relationship. He knows it will hurt them more if — when — they inevitably call this off, but for now, he selfishly doesn’t want to ruin the moment.

James thinks he should feel more guilty about lying to his friends and family about being in a relationship. But strangely, he doesn’t.

Maybe it’s because no matter how much he tries to deny it, the truth isn’t too far off from the lies that he’s telling them.

Later, he comes into the kitchen to help his mum put away the tea. She leans against him when he hugs her from behind and rests her hands on his. They’re wrinkled and rough from age and labour, but they’re just as familiar as James remembered.

Euphemia lets out a deep breath. “I worry for you two sometimes.” 

James frowns. “Why? We’re doing fine, both Sirius and I.”

She closes her eyes and James feels his throat pinch. She looks so fragile in his arms. “Both of you always put each other before yourselves,” she says. “Even if it comes at the cost of your own happiness. I worry that there will be a time where you both think you’re doing what will benefit the other, but will only cause a divide between you two.”

James hums into her hair. “You don’t need to worry about that, Mum. Sirius and I share a brain cell, remember? Nothing can divide us.” 

She laughs and he leans down to kiss her quickly when he hears her whisper, “Jamie, I’m going to tell him this too because you’re both my boys. I love you both to pieces, but if he dares to hurt you, dump him. You deserve only the best.”

He can’t help but laugh, but he feels hollow. Who could be better than Sirius? And why would they want me when my best friend doesn’t?

On Monday morning, James is called into Dumbledore’s office for a Head meeting. As he walks alongside Lily, she gently nudges him to face her.

“I’m so happy for you, James,” she tells him seriously. “Am I a little miffed that you got with Sirius right when we started getting along? A little. But you two are so perfect for each other, it’s hard to be anything but happy for you.”

James tilts his head in confusion. “What do you mean? We’ve always been close, so this is hardly any different from what we were like before.”

She smiles and shakes her head. “Yes, but since you two started dating, both of you seem, I don’t know, lighter.”

“We’ve always been happy together. Even as friends.” James fights the urge to say that they’re still just friends.

“Mhm, sure, but you were less attached.” At James’ disbelieving laugh, she amends, “Like, you two would be together, but both of you obviously wanted more. And now you have that, so you two look less lonely.”

James says nothing. She nudges him again and makes a face, and they both start giggling. It would’ve been so easy to be in love with Lily, James thinks, as he watches her dimples come out as she laughs. Her red hair falls in waves behind her, and James wishes he still wanted to wrap his hands in it as he once did. 

“What if… what if I told you that we’re not in a real relationship?” he asks quietly. As soon as it’s out, he wishes he could take it back.

Lily’s eyes narrow. “I don’t think I heard you correctly.”

“We did this so people wouldn’t make a big deal of asking us out to Hogmeade,” James says in a rush. “We’re just pretending to be dating. We’re not anything more than best mates.”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you just pretending to like him?”

James squirms. He feels exposed under Lily’s sharp gaze. “Yes.”

“Really.” Lily’s tone is flat and gives no indication as to what she thinks, but James hears her disbelief loud and clear. He’s just grateful that she masked her surprise well.

“Okay, so maybe I like him a tiny bit more than I let on,” James admits. 

Lily nods. “So obviously, I’m right. So? When are you telling him?”

James makes an indignant squawk. “Why would I risk ruining our friendship like that?”

Lily purses her lips. “How are you so sure that your friendship with him will be ruined? Last I checked, you could kill his entire family and he’d still worship the ground you walk on.”

“He hates his family, save for Regulus. And I’d never kill Regulus so that’s hardly saying anything.”

Lily makes a frustrated noise. “James. Even before this fake dating ruse, neither of you can fall asleep unless you’re cuddling each other. You’re constantly talking to him or about him. If either of you are ever separated, you have a mirror to talk through for the few minutes that you’re not joined at the hip. How much more oblivious can any two people get?”

James huffs. “That’s only because Sirius is comfy and interesting and brilliant and funny and gorgeous and understands me more than anyone else.”

When Lily says nothing, he looks over and sees her staring at him in a McGonagall-esque manner. “Okay,” he concedes. “So maybe I fancy him a lot, and maybe he likes me back. Emphasis on the maybe. If I confess, and he doesn’t feel the same, what then?”

“Then blame it on me. To save you from your misery, I’ll marry you and we’ll have seven babies and start our own Quidditch team,” Lily says, deadpan. James laughs and puts his arm around her.

“Sounds like a plan,” he tells her happily. “I’ll be the best, most doting husband and father ever.”

She smiles indulgently and hugs him back.

Winter holidays come around quickly. Regulus had come by during the day with Remus but they’ve long since gone. To pass the time, James and Sirius nick some Firewhisky stashed in Fleamont’s study and are passing the bottle between them when James decides to ruin his night. 

“Why did you choose to fake a relationship with me when you could’ve gotten into a real one with someone you fancy?” he blurts out. His brain-mouth filter is fuzzy after having too much to drink. 

“I like spending time with you,” Sirius replies matter-of-factly, as though nothing could be more obvious. “Why hang out with some stupid stranger when I could be with you?”

“Not what I meant.” Sirius looks so pretty, James thinks, staring at the pink flush starting to spread across his cheeks as he drinks more alcohol. They were sitting cross-legged on the floor of James’ bedroom when they first took out the bottle, but now they’ve manoeuvred so that their legs are intertwined and they’re heavily leaning on each other.

James can see the flutter of Sirius’ dark eyelashes whenever he turns to face him. Moonlight illuminates his face from the gap between the curtains, turning his eyes silver. His bottom lip is redder than the top from biting down on it. It’s soft and plump and seems to be beckoning James near. 

A siren’s call. That’s what Sirius was — a siren. Tantalizing, perfect, untouchable. Dangerous to get too close to.

“I’m tired of people wanting to have a part of me without taking the time and effort to understand me. They don’t even know me — I mean, they think they do, but all they see is the popular Hogwarts heartthrob, the rule-breaker and prankster. The black sheep of the Black family.” Sirius’ eyes are glassy from the whiskey, but his gaze seems sad and far away for an entirely different reason.

“That’s not true. I see you,” James says, watching Sirius blink up at him. It feels awfully domestic to be sitting here, away from everyone in just their ugly comfort clothes and baggy sweats. Sirius has a flower clip stuck to his hair that’s nearly slipping off of his bangs and all of his earrings have been put away for the night. They’re just them, and James wants to take a picture to capture it forever.

“But that’s ‘cause you’re you, Jamie. I couldn’t keep a part of myself away from you even if I tried.”

“Not the part of yourself that’s saved for your future special person.”

“You’re my special person, Jamie. There’s no one else.” Sirius waves a hand in front of James’ face and James intertwines their hands together instinctively, mindlessly rubbing circles into the back of Sirius’ hands with his thumb. He drops his bottle to trace over his knuckles with his other hand and presses a kiss onto each raised bone. Sirius’ breath hitches.

“You don’t want me like that, Pads.” James has no idea why he says that. He wants to remain in this ignorant bubble they created in his room for a little longer before Sirius inevitably rejects him. There’s a strange tension filling the air and James feels like he’s drowning. The only anchor he has is the weight of Sirius’ hand in his, but that’s not enough, not when Sirius doesn’t feel the same way, not when James wants more than what Sirius can give, not when James is so fucking greedy he’ll take everything Sirius offers and still beg for more. 

He doesn’t realize that they’re both holding their breaths. All of his attention is focused on the warm, reassuring weight of Sirius’ hand in his, the fingers long and thin and callused from Quidditch. James’ hands are slightly larger and wrap around Sirius’ like two puzzle pieces fit together, just like the two of them. Golden brown on paler white, a work of art.

Like a moth to a flame, James scoots over to Sirius. The small rational part of his mind screams at him to pull away before he hurts himself and Sirius and their beautiful, wonderful relationship. It may be the Firewhiskey or it may be the months of pining, but all rationale flies out the window when Sirius beams at him, wide and unburdened and brighter than his namesake, so fucking perfect it hurts.

“You’re wrong, Prongs,” Sirius whispers. Their faces are inches away from each other. James can’t help but trace lines down the side of his jaw, feeling the 5 o'clock shadow there.  “You’re so wrong, bloody hell, I don’t know what I’d even do without you. Burn the world down to get you back, probably, or become the next Dark Lord. I’d do it all, for you.” 

James stills. He can feel Sirius’ breath fan across his face and can almost hear his racing heartbeat. Or maybe that’s his own. His head is spinning, and everything is starting to feel too real. He needs space, needs to get away before he does something he’ll regret.

He pulls away from Sirius, dropping his hand and pushing to his feet. He swallows down the lump in his throat and tries to ignore the way Sirius flinches, a look of hurt marring his face. James is about to reach again, apology at the tip of his tongue, but he reminds himself that it’s for their own good. 

Sirius is drunk, after all, and it won’t mean anything come morning. It hasn’t meant anything so far, and if he makes one mistake, everything they take for granted could come crashing down. Best to stop it before it’s too late.

“It’s getting late,” James forces out. It takes almost all of his effort to plaster an unaffected smile on his face. His hands clench at his sides, longing for Sirius’ warmth. “We should go to bed.”

He stumbles into the loo to wash his face, knees shaking so much that he knocks into the edge of his bed. He refuses to turn around, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from giving in upon seeing the expression on Sirius’ face. He promised himself years ago that he would never be the cause of Sirius’ misery, and doing this to both of them makes him feel like the biggest arse in the world.

When he returns, Sirius is on their bed, curled into himself on the very edge. James wants to reach out to hold him close and whisper sweet nothings into his ear to take away his discomfort, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He falls into a restless sleep, wishing for the millionth time that he was a better man. Maybe then he wouldn’t make so many mistakes.

Before long, classes start again. Amidst piling assignments, Quidditch practice, Head duties, and career planning meetings with McGonagall, James barely has time to spend time alone with Sirius. Since that drunken night at home, Sirius has stopped squeezing into his bed every night, leaving James alone with the dark, a strangely cold bed, and racing thoughts.  James doesn’t know whether to consider it a blessing or a curse. If anything, the distance only makes him think about Sirius more. 

If James had any self-control, he’d stop himself from remembering how Sirius had looked that night. But the past few months of stolen kisses and lingering touches had crumbled any control James had over his thoughts, and he often found himself imagining how Sirius’ flushing skin and loose tongue. The slope of his neck as he leaned against him. The cold, gentle slide of his fingers across James’ bare thighs. The painful avoidance in the following days, the awkward silences and betrayed glances. 

It’s that last memory that forces James to face his reality and bury his overwhelming feelings in the recesses of his mind. He knows he wears his heart on his sleeve, that he laughs effortlessly, cries easily, and cares fiercely. But another part of him knows that to keep Sirius from being scared away by the intensity of his love, he must hide those parts of himself. And so he keeps a distance and ignores Sirius’ flinches and sad eyes. 

He’s doing loops over the Quidditch field the afternoon of his birthday, trying to calm his emotions. He’d been ecstatic when he woke up to a surprise birthday breakfast in the common room with students from all houses and his parents calling over the Floo, but that excitement had been damped when he realized Sirius wasn’t there. It wasn’t uncommon lately for Sirius to slip away in the mornings before James woke up, but he’d been hoping to settle the tension between them to enjoy his birthday with his favourite person.

He looks down when a Hufflepuff third-year calls his name from the sidelines. She’s holding a large gift bag and waving to get his attention.

“Sirius told me to give this to you,” the younger girl says while handing him the bag. “I don’t know why he couldn’t just give it to you himself when he saw you this morning. Something about not being able to give it to you because he has some modelling gig. Since when does Sirius model?”

“He doesn’t,” James replies, bewildered. “Why did he say that?”

The girl shrugs. “Don’t ask me. You’re the only one who can make sense of the stuff he says.” With that, she goes back to the castle, leaving James alone.

Inside the bag is a box of Honeydukes’ chocolates — an assortment of hibiscus raspberry and cardamom orange, which meant Sirius had taken the time to custom-order James’ favourite seasonal flavours. James feels a pleasant warmth pooling in his gut, touched at Sirius’ thoughtfulness despite the past few weeks of strained friendship. 

There’s another larger box with a red ribbon wrapped around it. James gasps when he sees what’s in it, before laughing in disbelief. 

It’s a large, black dog plushie wearing a leather jacket and holding a wand. 

There’s a note attached to the ribbon and James instantly recognizes Sirius’ neat, small handwriting. It reads,

Happy birthday Jamie! You may be of age now but know that I am still older and that if you don’t continue to treat me as a respected elder, I will make you regret it. But I guess I’d rather you treat me as a child than have to endure this distance you’ve put between us. It was that night during the hols, wasn’t it? I freaked you out with my feelings. I knew I should’ve kept my distance, but you should’ve seen yourself. Moonlit and dark-lidded and, as usual, breathtaking.  

Anyway, I love you despite your idiotic tendencies to push people away when you think you’re not good enough for them or whatever bullshit your mind spews out. (I can imagine your raised eyebrow as you call me a hypocrite, but let me have this.) Hope we can go back to normal sooner rather than later; it feels strange to not have you with me constantly. 

Xx Your favourite Marauder, Padfoot 

James’ gut churns while his mind scrambles to make sense of the words. Sirius had feelings? For him? He loved him? All this time, he was trying to protect his heart by distancing himself, but he never considered if Sirius had meant what he had said that night. The proof was right there.

And yet, it felt too good to be true.

The dorm is empty when James comes in, but the map is conveniently on Remus’ nightstand. Taking it with him, he finds Sirius seated in a window of an empty corridor on the third floor, resting his elbows on his knees and looking outside. He turns when he hears footsteps. His grey eyes widen for a fraction of a second when he sees James, before setting into a resigned expression.

“Modeling gig?” is the first thing that comes out of James’ mouth. “What the hell, Sirius.”

“Why are you here?” Sirius asks quietly. He looks withdrawn and guarded, and the look sends a pang through James’ chest. 

“I got your note.” James sits next to Sirius on the small seat and purses his lips when Sirius immediately pulls his feet close to himself. “I didn’t know—”

“It doesn’t matter, James,” Sirius bites back. His eyes, blank just moments before, is not bright with anger and hurt. His hands tremble where he’s clutching his knees, and he pauses to glare at them for a moment before continuing. “I know where I stand. You made it plenty clear. I just wanted to get it out of the way so I wouldn’t have to deal with this… this whole uncertainty when it comes to you. I know I won’t get what I want, and you know this too, so can we just pretend we talked about everything we needed to talk about and go back to normal?”

“What if I don’t want to go back to normal?” James retorts. He’s starting to feel a little angry himself. 

In an instant, Sirius deflates, eyes looking lost once again. “I don’t — I don’t understand. I know I messed up, but I didn’t think — I mean, is it such a bad thing for me to love you? I’d change it if I could, but somehow, my heart’s not getting the message.”

Shit, James thinks. He never wanted to make Sirius feel like he was at fault when it was James who ruined everything by catching feelings and panicking as soon as he realised them. 

Taking the silence for a response, Sirius sighs. “Look, I’m sorry it’s making you uncomfortable. Believe me, I’m doing everything I can to stop myself from feeling this way. Just — don’t push me away. If this is about that stupid deal, you can call it off. Dae other people. You’ve done more than enough for me. I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you want it to end.”

“Don’t stop,” James blurts out. “Don’t stop feeling everything you just said.”

“What?”

“It’s just that — I don’t want to pretend anymore.” Words spill out before James can think, and he’s hoping somehow Sirius will be able to understand what he’s trying to get at. “I don’t want to fake a relationship with you, because it’s getting too much.”

Sirius inhales sharply and nods, a little frantic. “Okay, yeah, okay. Totally. I understand. We don’t have to do this anymore. Consider yourself back on the market.”

“That’s not what I meant.” James can feel the frustration simmering under his skin. Unconsciously, his hands reach to grasp at the closest part of Sirius — his ankles — and he uses them to pull Sirius closer. A distant memory flickers into his mind of the night when they had last sat like this, legs intertwined. Mouths millimetres apart, cheeks flushed, breath hot and heavy. 

“I kept a distance from you because I was scared you wouldn’t feel the same way,” James says quietly. “I didn’t want to hurt you or myself, but I guess I failed anyway.”

“Why wouldn’t I feel the same way? Wait, how do you feel—”

“I’m in love with you, okay?” James says. It comes out louder than he meant for it to. There’s shocked silence on Sirius’ end as James’ words hang between them. James takes a deep breath. 

“I’ve been in love with you since fifth year,” he continues at a normal volume. “Lily and I had that Transfiguration project and I learned throughout that I don’t see her as anything more than a friend. The flirting had become a habit by then, I think, so I didn’t see it until we had to work together. It’s nothing like the way we click with each other. So yeah, I guess I love you. Too. Holy shit, you love me back, Si.”

Sirius laughs, a breathless little thing before his lips are on James’ and the rest of the world fades. Before, when Sirius had kissed him, James had felt like he was drowning, so wrapped in the scent and feel of his best friend that the emotions were overwhelming. Now, with the knowledge that his feelings were reciprocated, he feels like he’s floating, safe in Sirius’ embrace.

“I dreamed about this for ages,” Sirius murmurs as he sits back. “That’s the whole reason I started this whole fake dating thing. I didn’t think I’d have much luck asking you out properly, so I pulled this to, ah, test the waters, if you will.”

James snickers. “So all of this was what, a free trial?”

“Yes,” Sirius murmurs against his neck. James’ breathing hitches. “And I’m feeling very satisfied with the service thus far. But I can’t leave a fair review without testing out all the features. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Oh — ah, fuck — what did you have in mind?” James can’t think, can’t breathe, can’t do anything but pant as Sirius works his fingers into his hair and pulls, kissing him hard the whole time. When Sirius trails a hand down to cup James’ arse through his trousers, James feels his heart stop. 

There’s a wicked grin on Sirius’ face. “Now that I’ve tasted you up here, I kind of want to taste you down there too. See if the tastes match. Or something. I don’t know, I just want to blow you right now.”

James squeaks. “Like, right here? Aren’t we going too fast?”

Sirius sombers. “Jamie,” he whispers. “I’ve been wanting you since we were thirteen. If anything, I think we’re going too slow. But if you’re not ready, I can wait. I’ve waited four years for you, and I will wait four million more if that’s what you want.”

James nods quickly. “I want you too. So much. I’ve been going crazy these past few months trying not to jump into your lap and snog you senseless.”

Sirius smiles. It’s a soft, little thing, and James knows it’s meant only for him. “What’s keeping you now?”

James ducks his head with a blush. “I — can we go to our dorms first?”

“Oh, Prongs,” Sirius says with a shake of his head. “One day I’ll introduce you to the high of doing this in public.”

“You’re such an exhibitionist. No wonder you’re starting a modelling gig,” James chides as he links their hands together. It’s such an endearing sight that he can’t help but lift Sirius’ hands to his mouth and shower his fingers and knuckles with kisses. Sirius’ steps stutter and James looks up, delighted. 

“I was put on the spot,” Sirius says defensively. “I didn’t expect her to start asking questions. I just wanted her to give it to you, not interrogate me.”

“You could’ve just given it to me yourself, like a normal person.”

“We’re anything but normal. Anyway, I was too nervous about your reaction.”

“Touché. Still, it would’ve been loads better coming from you.”

“Then allow me to make it up to you.” Sirius tugs on James’ hand until he stops. He reaches up to frame James’ face as he gently presses their lips together. James isn’t sure how much time passes before they pull apart. As they lean their foreheads on each other, Sirius’ lips quirk. 

“Happy birthday, Jamie. I love you.”

James smiles and tucks in a strand of hair coming loose from Sirius’ bun. “I love you too.”

[starrylayle]

"Don't get me started on jegulus" actually please get started I'd like to hear your thoughts on it because your take on wolfstar and the oc-ification of some characters is so refreshing to see (tbh my first reaction to jegulus was just confusion on how it started and how quickly it got popular lmao)

ahh this makes so happy to hear that my post resonated with some people!! Was worried i was in the minority lol.

Anyways, abt jegulus -- i acc had a reaaally long post about how much i hated the dynamic (in canon compliant ish works -- Jegulus in aus is fine ig) but i deleted it lol.

I think the core reason why i dislike the pairing so much is that I feel like it the ship goes against everything James stands for. We don't know a lot about James' character in canon, but what we do know is that he had a strong sense of justice, and fierce loyalty to his friends and his cause, which ultimately led to his doom. I just can't imagine that James would associate with someone even a little bit bigoted. This is not to say i think James is a saint, i think he could be an ass sometimes (snapes worst memory lol) but i think he'd draw the line at someone who was associated with 'evil'. James had a very black and white view of good and bad and i just don't think it would make sense for James to date reg, esp as he is becoming a death eater. James may be a dick but he is also the biggest ally to ever ally !!

The only jegulus fics I have read are 'Just Lovers' and 'Choices'. Just lovers is a non-voldy au so i don't really have a problem with their dynamic there but choices on the other hand,, oh boy.

Spoilers for 'Choices' by MesserMoon btw (TW for talk of SA):

Regulus' friends rape Mary. And instead of feeling disgusted on the victim’s behalf, (who has been his friend for 5 years) James instead feels upset because it tarnishes the ‘good’ image he has of reg in his head. Thing is when a similar situation happened (The Prank ™), James was upset that Sirius would do such a thing but he also felt disgusted on behalf of Remus. Where was that energy here, huh?? I’ve even seen comments villianising Mary (the rape victim).

The thing I also hate about their dynamic is that it is basically an ally of the oppressor and ally of the oppressed. The problem with that is that when you are allied with the oppressor, you become an oppressor yourself (and reg does; he does terrible things) and that subsequently makes the so-called ally of the oppressed in cahoots with the oppressor as well. This brings so many parallels to real life where people say that they are an “ally” but become friends with/date a racist/rapist. “Oh but they’re nice to me”. its just a little ew.

And in other jegulus canon-compliant-ish fics, sometimes instead of James' character being watered down its Regulus' character. Like, he's not as morally grey, not as complex etc so it makes sense that James would agree to date him. I feel like jegulus as a ship ruins the core of what made their characters so interesting in the first place.

That being said,,, i do love me some canon-compliant unrequited jegulus. Regulus goes to hogwarts, gets so mad at Sirius for ditching him or whatever, but falls in love with the very guy that stole sirius away. He also has internalised homophobia because he's a Black brother so imagine the angst. James potter goes against everything he stands for,, sirius betrayed him,, but perhaps they're right abt smth?? Perhaps he needs to do smth. alone.

sorry for rambling but these are my thoughts on jegulus !! Anyways I feel like I should reiterate that this is a personal preference!! I think it ruins core of these characters, i prefer jily and i love me some unrequited gay pining for the boy who you're brother replaced u with. But this is just a personal preference !

oh and just a side note if it ever led to a decision where james had to choose between sirius and regulus -- no matter how much he 'allegedly' loved regulus, he would choose sirius, no questions asked.

[rainbow-femme]

So obviously I love just how much LGBTQ+ media exists now, and how much media has LGBTQ+ characters in it, but something Gen Z and later generations will never experience is being so desperate for anything that you end up finding the weirdest gay indie movies imaginable, watching them once at 2 am and then never seeing them again, and being haunted by the half remembered plots because you cannot for the life of you track them down again

So I would like to give you that experience vicariously through two of the ones I watched over a decade ago. If you recognize these please let me know I would love to track them down

The first was about this French gay dude in America who was marrying a lesbian friend to get a green card, and his boyfriend is like

“Hey babe my sibling is coming to town and going to stay with us.”

And the French guy goes “That seems like a bad idea, on account of you telling me that every time they come into town they become super toxic and make you the worst version of yourself and ruin your life.”

And the boyfriend is like “Ok but what are the odds that would happen again.”

The sibling I’m going to use they/them for because in an example of wonderful handling of trans characters, this person continually changes their mind about their gender, which is fine, except they keep managing to get full sex change surgeries every time it happens which is absolutely wild to me because it’s implied they have fully transitioned multiple times. They come into town having had a full MTF transition to the point of both top and bottom surgery and hormones but they’ve decided they’re a man again so they want a place to crash while they have a full FTM transition and I feel like I vividly remember them saying something about finding a doctor who can make them a pair of testicles. Like, specifically testicles was what they brought up, no other bits, this doctor apparently only made and attached artificial testicles and this character decided to start there

So naturally they start isolating the boyfriend from everyone by convincing him that everyone is out to get him and his French boyfriend sucks and is holding him back to the point that the boyfriend I’m pretty sure starts physically abusing the French guy along with other emotional abuse

And the story culminates in the two of them tipping off immigration about the green card marriage and literally get this dude deported, like he is handcuffed and put into a car and taken away, and also probably screwing over the lesbian friend who had agreed to marry him after the boyfriend had asked her to do it to help them

And as the car is driving away the boyfriend looks at the sibling and gives a “Nuh uh, I’m done with you” head shake and starts chasing after the car the French dude is in only to be hit by a different car and presumably killed

And that’s it, that’s the movie

The second is probably my favorite half remembered middle of the night gay movie

It’s about two lesbian friends who seem to be trying out dating each other to see if the relationship would work, and they end up meeting a group of BDSM lesbians who go “Uh, didn’t anyone tell you that lesbians don’t do monogamy anymore? We’re all polyamorous and have BDSM subculture personalities that we live in 24/7, that’s the only way to be a lesbian”

(Side note I don’t think this movie is actually bad about BDSM or polyamory stuff, it’s more about how people just coming out can easily get sucked into doing what they think they should and end up unhappy and over their heads in order to fit what a “real [X] person” looks or acts like. The characters who legitimately enjoy the lifestyle seem to be written in a good way based off my 10+ year old memory of my single viewing)

So the two lesbians decide that one is going to full time be a Daddy personality and the other will be a Little Girl personality, and they can sleep with whoever they want except the Daddy one can’t sleep with a different Little Girl or vice versa because that’s cheating

And this movie was so good because these two had 100% no knowledge of what they were actually supposed to do in BDSM situations and just kept acting like they did and the people in the scenes were like “… Ok, I guess I’ll trust you’re going somewhere with this?” and they never were, they were always just stalling for time

The best example is when the Little Girl one met a butch sub who was a Little Boy, I guess, and she wanted to do a three way with the Little Boy and the Daddy, and again they take things pretty literally so in the scene they’re like “ok you’re my dad and this is my son so that means you’re his grandpa.” And the Daddy one again has no idea what to do when genuinely faced with an experienced sub so she goes “Um, let’s make him sit in a box?” so they get a comically small box and make the sub squat down in it but again they have no idea what to do next and it culminates in the Little Girl saying she’s being drawn between the Daddy one she had been into before all of this and the Little Boy one she just met which pisses off the Daddy one so she leaves, fully confusing the Little Boy sub who thought that was all part of the scene

And then the Daddy one decides if the other is gonna have a new person she will too and she finds a super experienced femme domme and tries to flirt by pretending to be a dog and bringing her something in her mouth and the femme domme is just like “Ok A. I know you’re not actually into this so I’m not going to do anything to you because you wouldn’t like it, but also B. Even if you were I am so far above your experience level you would not be able to take it. So WTF is your problem cut it out.”

And there’s like a BDSM spin the bottle where you kiss or smack or lick the boot of whoever you land on and the Daddy one kisses a different Little Girl which pisses of the original Little Girl so she storms off so the Daddy One fully sleeps with the second one, and then gets in a fight with the original one over how one cheated because she got with the same archetype as the other but the other also cheated because she actually got feelings for someone else

And somehow they resolve everything and the story ends with them turning this into a performance art piece. You don’t see the actual performance art, probably because the writers wanted them to get wild applause but couldn’t think of a performance art piece based on this that would actually earn wild applause so you just see them being applauded while wearing a bunch of ties and jackets and scarves and stuff to I guess symbolize them trying to be things they weren’t

And then you see the butch sub getting whipped or spanked or something by the femme domme to show that everyone got their happily ever after

Heartstopper is great and all but they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore

[canonically47]

review pls!

disventure camp all-stars episode 20: review!

spoilers!!! (no duh.)

i despise how emily was turned into a villain and betrayed trevor. absolutely dogshit, poor writing

ally and jake not being petty??? LMFAOAOAOAOAOOO

riya you did NOT work your ass off you got plot armour. KYS.

oh NOW jally are friends?? now they bond? oh my god fuck you. literally fuck you. such cheap writing to make them bond just in the second to last episode, out of NEED rather than WANT. my god.

“i’m glad you’re still here, jake, we all are” first tom says jake sees the best in people and now this? ONC stop mischaracterizing your characters lmaoaoao

ALLY SAID SUS LMFAOAOAOAO

why did ally INSTANTLY agree to this. the fuck.

oh this is cheap. this is just cheap. not only is ally fucking stupid, but didn’t she just say she saw season one? like? she wouldve seen how jake cried at his grandmas death?? the fuck?? do the writers think we are stupid?????

thank you kristal for putting an end to that cheer

why didn’t they make yul’s scar permanent ://

what the fuck is that flashback sequence

“can’t get caught lacking” killing myself

why did they stop mining while they talked bro

why is ally using minecraft logic in real life i despise her actually i’m so sorry 😭

YAY YUL DIED oh nvm ://

and james fell in love right then and there yay!

this emily plot is so annoying i despise how they wrote her, why are the writers so fucking stupid

why are yul and riya so stupid also

i love how alec is rooting for ally because fiore is helping her. they’re so family-coded <3

jake protecting fiore awwwww :((( <333

JAMES SAID WHAT.

THEY’RE DATING

“riya #screenhog” I LOVE YOU JAMES

JAMES SOUNDED SO SCARED FOR JAKE OMG

why did he put his whole body on his to listen to his pulse omg thats crazy gay people are insane

ew why are these two here

im with emily on this why do you care for him trevor

derek why are you acting surprised he kissed you the fuck 😭⁉️

yeah i hate how they treated emily. it’s actually so bad how they made her this super likable character then ruined her for shock value, god forbid a woman gets between the no-chemistry yaoi right? such cheap writing is crazyyy

like they know the fans love her so much to the point where they confirmed her as queer because in ONC’s eyes queer characters > non-queer characters,, i guess, and then they gave her. this treatment. wow

for once im with yul on this !

yo riya if you want to win you should like. keep going???

yas ally your feelings matter! i wish i cared for you, or that the show was good, or that the writing wasn’t trash, so this moment meant something to me!

PARDONNNNN??????????

JAKE IS OUT WHAT????????

oh WAIT?? WAIT??????

OH MY GOD??????????????

HELLLLLLLLL YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

JAAAAAAAKEEEEEEEE RAHHHHHHHHHHHH

man fuck your emotional moment ally idgaf JAKEEEEEEEEEE WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️‼️‼️‼️🔥🔥🔥

if riya wins i am KILLING MYSELF !!!!!!!!!!

LETS GO JAKE YOU CAN WIN

why are we panning back to trevek eurgrhrhhr ew

thank you so much for ruining that kiss kristal i owe you my whole life

uhhh this episode was dogshit for the first ten minutes, and then for the most part was just mediocre if not just bad. the audio mixing was bad, the voice acting & delivery horribly mid, especially for the high stakes here, like cmon ally a little more emotion would be nice i refuse to hype up yul but my god his actor is the best of all; and then just. i realized how much this finale fucking sucks and how i genuinely do not care for these characters and how badly the show WANTS me to care for them. they’re trying SO HARD. it’s SO FUNNY

i believe emily is the worst written on the show, and she deserved so much better. she was hyped up for nothing and her villain arc came out of nowhere. my theory is, ONC knew how little chemistry trevek actually have, and how much better tremily is, so they decided to make emily a villain so she wouldn’t get between the ship. which is laughable, and such cheap writing.

i say ‘cheap writing’ a lot sorry :(( unfortunately thats all ONC can do! so yea

uhh idk man this is like.. a 4/10 maybe? if i wanna be nice about it. cuz theres some good stuff in it (alec has a speaking line) (james is gay for jake) (ally loses) but otherwise idrk.

i am so so SOOOO happy this show is almost over i am counting down the days until its done 😭🙏🏼 yall are not catching me watching season 4 or rewatching anything. im gone the moment i put out the review for ep 21. like a dad going for milk. perchance

[pivotalfilth]

🏳️‍🌈 Bottoms Is The Best Movie Of 2023 And It’s Not Even Fucking Close 🏳️‍🌈

There was a kid at my high school whose name was Psycho and he did huge shits on the ground and liked to show them to people.

Okay his birth name probably wasn’t Psycho but I don’t remember his real name. But nobody really called him Psycho with hate in their hearts - this moniker was used casually like “Hey there goes Psycho” etc.

In all fairness, he also probably didn’t show his huge shits to people. But that’s how I remember it. And if there’s something that permeates through the paltry existence of adulthood when it comes to school life, it’s wild memories that may or may not have actually happened.

That’s one of the hundreds of reasons why Emma Seligman’s Bottoms is so good. That, and all the actors, the writing, the queerness, the celebration of losers, the vibe, the comedy and the glorious fucking violence.

Two queer girls start a lunchtime fight club at their school in order to have sex with cheerleaders. That’s the plot. And it’s absolutely joyous.

If there’s something modern cinema lacks, it’s trashy queer characters who balance the line between being fucked up and REALLY fucked up. Not as comic relief, but as main core protagonists. Bottoms is full of them. In fact, the straight characters are the odd ones out.

Like the insanely narcissistic football quarterback Jeff who never changes out of his sports uniform and is widely celebrated for being a massive piece of shit. Or Marshawn Lynch as the adorably clueless teacher Mr. G who, despite having his heart in the right place, doesn’t really understand what’s going on and reads booty magazines at his desk.

Everyone else is superb, iconic, manic, delightful, cringe, handsome, disgusting. And as gay as a volcano.

Most people at school hate them but they’re the main characters in the movie and in our queer hearts. Heroes just tolerating their school days by trying hard not to have their lives ruined by assholes and trying even harder to kiss hot girls. Even if they are huge dorks. ESPECIALLY because they’re huge dorks.

The other important thing that’s overflowing in Bottoms are regular, surreal moments that, in lesser films, would be left on the cutting room floor.

A meathead student who is only let out of his literal cage to get in teacher-approved schoolyard fights. Outrageously problematic announcements over the school’s speakers. Car bombs, broken noses, a finale that involves students being impaled on swords and a tsunami of amazing, honest cringe.

Bottoms gets so wild that it begins to dip into absurdity - which is EXACTLY how most of us remember high school. Remember that teacher who was rumoured to have been a drug dealer? I totally remember seeing something explode in science class and giving the whole class second degree burns. A groundskeeper who was secretly a serial killer? That one kid who claimed he was born in a Paris nightclub? And yes, Psycho who used to show off his huge shits. It’s just how I remember it.

Every scene, every moment, taps into that gloriously misplaced, nostaIgia-infested rose-coloured view of high school so hard that I felt like I fractured a rib by the time the credits rolled.

I didn’t have any brave and dedicated queer friends in high school. The kind who were 100% ride or fucking die for you. The kind who knew precisely how much of a loser you were and gravitated towards your aura because they were the same flavour of loser. The kind who when you met them, you knew instantly that you had found your people. Like PJ, Josie and Hazel. They’re my people. And Bottoms is my movie.

[theunvanquishedzims]

@batneko​ wrote a sugar daddy AU so I had to write one back.

-----------------------

Bowser's longtime flame has officially tied the knot, she's shooting off fireworks to celebrate, she's leaving the country on a world tour honeymoon, she's taken out an actual literal billboard on the road between their cities to showcase the wedding photos

So Bowser's like hey, I'm not stupid, I can see you're over it, you don't have to rub it in my face, but he can't even say that because she's blocked him on everything

And he was GOING to hire a skywriter to spell it out over the wedding, but the skywriting company said there was a conflict with the fireworks company and they couldn't get clearance, and Bowser is halfway through checking his own plane to see if he can rig something up when he realizes hey, this is kinda pathetic

They are both extremely over-the-top people and it's hard not to escalate when you're both filthy rich.

--------

So Peach and Mario are off on a year-long world tour honeymoon, and Mario privately offered to let Luigi tag along, so he's feeling pretty pathetic himself.

And Mario SAYS they'll still run the business together, but Luigi has seen Peach's schedule as...governor? President? Monarch? And it's pretty packed, and Mario already has his own dedicated bodyguard from her retinue, and Luigi is picking up a lot more clearly than his brother how things are gonna change

For the better! Mario's gonna love the parties and meeting people and playing sports with actual athletes and driving sports cars on closed professional tracks against real racers, and he can fix a sink but he's got the brains to fix a city's infrastructure too. He's gonna do great.

And Luigi...Luigi will be fine. Really! One-man plumbing business. He can do this. Except other businesses are already poaching their customers on the premise that Mario is retired and the Mario Brothers will be shutting down, and the only way Luigi can counter that is by cashing in on his brother's fame to get people's attention. Which, no thanks.

So he's just come out of the tropical storm of wedding prep and parties exhausted and ready to take a break, but he needs to scramble as the business dissolves under his feet, and their house is paid off and bills should be fine but it's such a gut punch to see how easily his life crumbles without his brother, and Luigi is TIRED. Luigi wants a BREAK. Luigi wants someone rich and fun and good-looking to swoop in and take HIM on a vacation.

"Maybe I should get a rich husband to take care of me," he mumbles into the newspaper draped over his face, covered in ads for rival businesses and Peach's honeymoon tour.

And you know...that's an idea. That's a real idea. He's already been on blind dates, there's always somebody who has a gay nephew or cousin or coworker who would LOVE a tall strong man like Luigi, they're sure~! So what if he picks out his own guy? And if they don't click, he can just shrug it off as them not being rich enough for him. That's believable, there's enough photos of him at the palace and Mushroom-Wimbledon and Mushroom-Kentucky Derby to say he's developed a taste for the good life.

In all honesty, he HAS developed a taste for the good life. Not high teas and little cucumber sandwiches, but being able to drop everything and go to an island, or play a round of golf, or picnic in the countryside, or play Indiana Jones in desert ruins while Peach is off hobnobbing with local rulers. He had fun. And it would be even more fun if he wasn't tagging along after his brother, if it was someone doing those things for HIM, because they liked him and wanted to impress him and--and spoil him, he makes himself acknowledge. He wants to be spoiled. He wants to be...a sugar baby.

------------------------

Cue montage! Luigi is a good looking fella, but he's also visually Green Mario, and the idea is to NOT leech off his brother's rep. The mustache goes. The overalls have already been retired. No more baseball cap keeping his thick wavy hair out of his face, no more sturdy waterproof work boots. He regrets getting rid of the mustache, and starts growing a five-o-clock shadow. Maybe he'll grow a beard, those are trendy.

------------------------

That's the picture that pops up in Bowser's inbox as he sorts through correspondence.

 He's pulling back and being really honest with himself about what he actually wants. And honestly? Peach isn't it. Not anymore. It was a painful revelation, but a necessary one. She's not the same hyper-giggly cheerleader type he met in university, and he's not the party boy rugby jock he was back then either. He doesn't need a hot blonde girl on his arm to impress his teammates and stop any ugly rumors in their tracks. He doesn't need to beat anybody up for saying he's gay. And honestly, it was freaking exhausting trying to keep up with Peach's schedule when he was a young adult with just classes and games to worry about, now that's he's mumble-something years old and has his own country to run, he couldn't imagine trying to do half of the things she has packed into her schedule.

So...good for her. She got that guy who loves being social and making a bajillion new friends without being rude to them and can probably stay in the background and let her shine without it chafing, either. Good for her. He is genuinely happy for her.

He has a hard time conveying that to the cowering housekeepers as he finishes smashing the last of her portraits into bits, but he doesn't pay them to understand him, just obey him, so he tells them to sweep it up and stomps back to his office.

He needs more people like that in his life, he thinks, if he's being honest. He needs someone who won't argue him in circles or make him feel stupid debating political policy or hint that his family are tyrants. His family gets stuff DONE, okay, no need to go through six layers of wishy-washy old toads and delicately manage public image in the process. Say it and it is so, and the people will see that their needs are met and be grateful. That's the Bowser way.

 Romantically, what does he need? He makes a little list.

1. Hot.

2. No arguing.

3. No criticizing or trying to change him.

4. No pink or girly.

5. Just...hot okay? A hot dude. There, he said it. A hot dude he can take on dates who won't try to fix him, who won't think there's anything WRONG with him that needs fixing, somebody who can just be hot and pretty and hang around making him look good without getting in his way or trying to take over.

Ugh. He needs a Mario, that's what he needs, somebody to quietly stand around and smile at him and feed him cake. But way hotter. Way, WAY hotter.

 He quits glaring at Peach's wedding ads long enough to type out a basic list of demands and send it to a matchmaking service. (It's a sugar baby service, but he'll be damned if he calls it that.) He's not doing ANY work for this relationship. He's rich, he's powerful, he's reasonably attractive, he thinks? Got a bit of a gut since college but he's still got muscle. Whatever, he's got a castle and a fleet of cool cars and enough money to spoil the hell out of TEN thirsty twinks, whoever he picks can keep their mouth shut about his beer belly. No, he's going full Lizzo, he's not considering anyone unless they LOVE his body. He's rich enough to afford that.

He's all set to send that pic to his potential matches, but then Luigi's pic pops into his inbox, and he panics and switches. He's not trying to scare matches off, that would be self-sabotaging. And he's a fun guy, not some bum who gets drunk and passes out on a deck chair, that was ONE TIME and he was recovering from sunburn, you didn't need to snap a picture of it, guys. Whatever. Fun in the sun dad bod pic, that should be enough to reel in a boyfriend.

---------------------------------

So. Bowser is a smart man, and the ruler of a kingdom. He does have bodyguards, and he designs most of his own security systems. The service will weed out the scammers, but he's investigating his matches himself, and Luigi is...not unknown to him. He's probably wildly unrecognizable to most people post-makeover, but Bowser was stalking Peach's wedding and has dossiers on everyone in the wedding party. He KNOWS what his ex-rival's brother looks like without a hat.

The only question is WHY. Is this a game? A joke? A sick trap? Why is he doing this?

"Why are you doing this?" is the first message he sends through the service.

And boy oh boy is that the question of the hour, Luigi thinks, staring at it. He has no idea who's he writing to, the...DADDIES are wealthy and important enough to warrant a bit of identity protection. He'll get a picture in advance of any meetings, but for now he's flying blind.

He's not gonna dump his whole life's story on a stranger, and he doesn't need to justify his decisions to anybody. He's not hurting for company, or money, so why is he doing this?

"I want to take a break and have fun with someone who can afford to take me nice places and do cool things" is what he decides on. It's true.

---------------------------------

The rest is just them going nice places and doing cool things together. No drama, no schemes, no misunderstandings or second-guessing about why they’re there. Bowser pays for everything, and gives Luigi some spending money besides. Luigi works hard to relax and be sexy and flirty and fun. It helps that Bowser is so comfy to cuddle with, and actually taller than him, which is impressive.

He is vaguely aware that he is dating Peach's ex, he figures that out around the third date or so, but the guy is remarkably chill compared to how she described him, (and in this world Peach's security detail handled any incidents, there was no kidnapping (recently,) and the Mario brothers weren't heroes who needed to curb-stomp anyone, so Luigi has never met Bowser directly.)

Bowser is keenly aware that he is dating Peach's brother-in-law, but he works hard to relax, not obsess over anything, and just be cool and fun to hang out with. It helps that Luigi is super hot, a little goofy when he relaxes, and enjoys draping himself over Bowser while they lounge on the beach, or on a train ride through the mountains, or a tour of wine country. Lots of hot guy draped all over him while people stare enviously.

It's definitely envy, nothing to do with how Bowser just chugged half a bottle of merlot. He needed to wash the taste of that horrible rosé out of his mouth, okay? Who bottled that, a skunk? Horrible bouquet. Horrible. Luigi, buzzed and giggly and tucked up against Bowser's side staring at him adoringly, thinks Bowser is the funniest, wittiest guy in the world. They should definitely get out of there. The proprietors sell them a case of the merlot and gently suggest that the gentlemen switch to cheese tasting now, so they do.

Bowser's driver takes them on a long ride up the coast, and they have dinner at a beach chateau at sunset and listen to the cresting waves as the stars come out, and Luigi thinks this is exactly what he needed.

And Bowser just spent a long weekend out of his workshop and not buried in paperwork, and he's got some nice wine and stories to charm some diplomat who's visiting next week, and hey maybe Luigi can handle the charming and let Bowser do the diplomacy, or maybe he'll just sit at the dinner table eating fancy food and looking pretty while Bowser takes care of everything.

Man, it's good to be the king. Especially when you've got a doll like this by your side, cheering you on, waiting to see what you’ll do next. He needed this, this ego stroking and taking care of someone, showing off for them. Not running after a pink velvet track suit who's got a million clubs and committees and parties to coordinate. And wow, he hasn't thought about her in a while. A few days, at least. And he doesn't want to think of her now, under the stars, with a fuzzy face nuzzling his neck and strong hands slowly petting down his chest hair and over his belly. He's good. He’s good.

[maxzinn]

Damn why is the HSR fandom becoming way worse than genshin? And whenever there is any controversy aventurine is always somehow involved like leave my boy alone 😭

I'm a cis straight woman okay and no matter which fandom i interact with they always look down on me and assume shit about me even though i try to be nothing but understanding I have had so many tell me that I can't like a certain male character romantically because he is only for the boys/gays. Even like when you tell them you like a certain game/franchise/anime/singer or band they're like 'you have to be queer for liking this' and for some reason they try to convince me that I'm queer even though I'm not and they think that me being cis and straight makes me 'basic' and 'boring' I love jjba, Nana, Castlevania, Final Fantasy, Hsr and genshin impact but literally every fandom I've been is filled with a bunch of judgemental pricks which is sad because I was so excited to talk about my interests :( at first i thought they were being like that because I'm asian but then i realised it's because of my 'basic and boring' sexual and gender identity

and for some reason when I tell them that I'm cis straight they immediately assume I'm a white privileged woman (like i said I'm literally Asian) and i haven't struggled a day in my life which isn't true at all it's so ignorant to assume all of this about me just based off my sexual and gender identity and when I try to speak up they tell me that they're just 'giving me the taste of my own medicine' like what??? What does that even mean?? I'm not even homophobic i come from a conservative country and family but I have done proper research and educated myself on this topic and i treat everyone with respect so why can't they also be decent human beings and respect me too? I still try to be understanding but I can't stand the air of superiority among these people and they're usually under the age of 25 too because other queer people I have interacted with who are older than me don't behave pathetically like these people

(sorry this was so long you can ignore it if you want and sorry if my english is bad it's not my first language 😭 anyways I hope you have a good day/afternoon/night)

(This post is also long sorry hehe)

No cuz for real, it’s getting way more annoying in the fandom (no offense) and it’s even worse on twitter and hoyolab.

In my opinion, I think the toxicity mainly starts with people forcing to everybody that every character in hsr is queer coded and all that stuff. I keep seeing all that posts and comments that this certain character is “implied” which is not true??? It makes me wonder if they even know what the word “implied” means, cuz it basically/indirectly means that it’s canon.

I’m so done with those posts that claims “robin is lesbian and girlkisser so gtfo men” like stfu?

If you have seen the replies on tuonto’s twitter post, there’s like a LOT of people saying that. Like, hc her as lesbian if you want but DONT act like it’s canon and stop forcing your hcs on other people pls.

And when others reply to them saying that it isn’t canon and that they shouldn’t force it, they just straight up say that those people are “homophobic and lesphobic”.

I have no problems with gay/lesbian ships cuz I support all ships equally (except the illegal and problematic ones), but these delulu people are ruining it for the fandom tbh.

It’s funny that being straight/cis is seen as basic and boring now. And that part where you’re being forced to be queer is funny af 😭 are they ill?

You can like all the male characters that you like, none of them have canon sexualities and they’re certainly not canonically gay. If some person says that you shouldn’t like a certain male character cuz they’re only for the boys… then they’re ill, don’t listen to those bs.

It’s so weird that people now argue and force a sexuality onto fictional characters and just assume a certain character’s sexuality based on stereotypes (like aventurine for example) then claims that they’re a queer representation when said “representation” is just based on stereotypes.

It’s weird that a character’s sexuality matters so much when it doesn’t even matter that much, just enjoy the game and the plot? Stop projecting yourself onto them, they’re their own person and they have their own personality. They have nothing to do with your sexuality. And most of all… they’re literally PIXELS

And pls, liking a certain franchise doesn’t reflect anything on your sexuality. You can be a straight woman and like drag shows, you can be a straight woman and like BL and GL. Men can be straight and love skincare, men can be straight and like fashion/makeup. ITS NOT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?? Just stop stereotyping people 💀

[aerospectrum]

I’d write with you if you didn’t make all your muses fags there’s nothing worse than having good muses written by women obsessed with turning straight men into fags

tw; I don’t answer rude messages like this and I won’t after this one either but I felt I needed to address this one in particular cuz it’s super lame to like the entire rp community.

first fiiirst first. like heeeell fuckin yeah man non-straight people exist and they have sex!

first. not a girl, I’m literally male my guy, just out here living wild and free with a weener and balls lmao. so there’s that. second who cares if girls write gay fic about the characters they like it doesn’t even affect you??? third. don’t slur me or at me that’s really messed up man and I wouldn’t write with you anyway. Fourth. I’d have rather you just dmed me instead of this cause it feels really childish and knowing there’s still people in the rpg community with really bad intentions, takes, and mindsets like this makes it hard for others to take risks and chances on fic and muses that they interpret in ways that aren’t heteronormative or cis aligned. people interpret characters differently in more ways than just sexuality and it’s fluidity and that’s great, just let people exist how they feel comfortable to exist, they’re not hurting you.

lastly. this is fiction. these aren’t real life people my guy. none of this is deep enough to send messages like this. people create and write such amazing work here and you just trivialize it all to “eeeew girls are taking over cool characters and ruining my machismo vibes writing gay people having sex eeeeeew”