#gay ass fuckin robots keep that to yourself

[clitoris-maximus]

finally got a new trackpad so you know im hopping on ms paint

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 7

Rating: Explicit.

‼️TW: Reader is EIGHTEEN! Recreational drug use, smoking and alcohol consumption, deeply internalised self-loathing, very questionable moral standards. Daddy kink taken half-seriously. BDSM themes in later chapters - explicit content will come with it's own TWs. FIRST PERSON POV. There is violence in this chapter.

Summary: You're Peter's classmate, a child of rich and famous but uncaring parents. Getting paired up for a lengthy project with the boy was an interesting turn of events and you don't know whether to feel blessed or cursed when you develop, seemingly, a perfectly normal, harmless crush on Tony Stark. Fueled by feelings of inadequacy and boredom, your life spirals out of control - and you're lucky your newfound friends are there to pick up the pieces even if you cannot find it in yourself to believe these amazing human (and not so human) beings voluntarily give you more than a fleeting glance and an offhanded thought. And they brought cake!

A/N: *chants* BRUCE FLUFF BRUCE FLUFF BRUCE FLUFF. *sings* they're ain't no big thing just show them a little swing. Beneficial Cucumber. Author's notes are spoilers without context at this point... Y'all-

My beta, @miscmarvelwritings . We make the best duo. I am her dumb of ass and she is my gay. I love her.

Tony was elbow-deep in a robot when I came out of the elevator, Peter holding up the spare part needed, hovering next to the engineer. Without preamble, I was directed to help and dutifully fulfilled Tony's requests. Nothing indicated that my evening stunt ever happened besides Pete's faint blush; I might as well have written it off to the tank top hugging the upper part of my body in all the right places.

I was disappointed, I won't lie to myself - I expected Tony to tease me at least a little bit, snark something vaguely lewd and move on. But the engineer was quiet today, eerily so, almost to the point where it seemed he was ignoring me on purpose. My pride didn't let me begin any of our usual banter so I frowned in silence, making the appearance of a very focused person. Bolts and screws - most interesting things in the world!

As usual, I clocked out first around eleven thirty, leaving Pete and Tony some time to discuss their secret science stuff. Usually I would be exhausted by this point which left little to no room for jealousy but that night, emotions hit me like a freight train and it took me every ounce of my willpower to head out to Bruce's for the inevitable "I'm disappointed in you/Fuck safely" round of brainwashing.

My brain kept returning to the downwards tilt of Tony's mouth and the somber mood around him. I hated seeing him so...unhappy and tense.

The moment I set step in Bruce's lab, I saw the man's back hunched over a tube, I felt the same energy coming from him. What a fucking day! The sigh that left my mouth was resigned. "Bruce?"

A couple of seconds passed before he turned. He attempted a smile but it didn't reach his eyes at all. "Hi, Princess."

I cocked my head in defeat. "If this is the part where you lecture me, let's get over it. Or even better, you say nothing and we carry on," I pursed my lips, inspecting my nails in favour of actually facing the scientist.

I heard the click-clack of his instruments being placed on the table and the soft taps of his shoes against the tiled floor. His arms reached around my shoulders before I could even attempt to pull away, one of his broad palms tucking my face into the crook of his neck.

"I'm not mad, baby girl," He told me quietly.

I felt some of the tension dissipate, wrapped my arms around him, coming to a realization the man was all but melting into me.

"Just stay safe, alright? I don't want you to get hurt," With the same quiet tone, Bruce gently shushed my worries away. "If something is wrong, you can come to me. You know that, right?" He sounded painfully hopeful as he withdrew just enough to capture my face in his hands, forcing me to look him in the eye.

Something about the look in his eyes made my heart ache. I didn't have the heart to refuse, nor did I want to, so I nodded. Promptly, I was embraced yet again, his lips resting on the crown of my head, both of us swaying gently.

I've never wanted to cry so badly in my entire life.

"I'm a fuckin' mess, Bwucie, you haven't got a clue what you've gotten yourself into," I settled for a round of self-deprication instead. Bitter as it was, it was the barenaked truth.

"Then you're a beautiful mess," I could feel the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. So I smiled, too, obscured by his lab coat.

As much as I didn't want to leave the embrace, like, ever, I had to get home before one o'clock - before mother went to bed, zonked out on Valium and Ambien from the endless supply closet courtesy of my dad. "M'hafta go home," I mumbled.

Bruce sighed deeply. "I'll grab one of Tony's cars and drive you," He went over to remove his lab coat as I gaped. "I'm a forty-five year old man, I can drive." He chuckled humorlessly.

"Tony won't mind?" I asked the first question that popped into my mind to attempt dispelling the awkward moment.

"Trust me, he won't mind at all," Bruce mumbled darkly. I wondered what's up with that but the immediate future for me was already planned out: I was really looking forward to going home, crawling into bed with my clothes on and having a good old fashioned cry.

We made quick work of locating a set of keys and peeling out of the garage in Tony's shiny Audi R8, tires squealing on the wet pavement. It had stopped raining sometime during my robot building but the city was still filled with puddles. I could smell the moist, decaying leaves through the tiny gap of the window, the city was drowning in autumn like I was drowning in my own cluelessness.

The adrenaline rush, the weight of Tony's foul mood, the grief and pleading that radiated off Bruce mixed into a horrendous cocktail of misery and pain. Too much pain for my little, weak, dumb heart to handle. And all these people out in the streets, dressed to the nines despite the disgusting weather - laughing, hugging and drunkenly giggling, it was like salt on my wounds, rubbing it in how much of a good time they were having.

"This your house?" Bruce pointed at the black, high gate of the entrance to my garage.

"Yeah, it's a bit much," I nodded absentmindedly, seeing Bruce's eyes bulge at the sheer size of my estate. My mother wouldn't settle for any less than the best so having a monstrously huge (for NYC) home was what she got. Dad just signed the checks.

Bruce hummed.

I made a face, reaching for his warm hand and giving it a squeeze. "Thanks, Bwucie," Smiling at him, I used up the last of my good mood to show the gratitude he deserved.

He pulled me into a tight hug right over the middle console. It wasn't comfortable by any means with the numerous buttons and switches poking at the soft of my stomach but there was nowhere else I'd rather be than in his arms during that moment. The breaths that left me felt like they were punched out of my chest cavity by steel-toed boots.

"Good night, Princess. Sweet dreams." He kissed my cheek, lingering just a tiny bit.

I did the same, rubbing softly against his stubble and giggling at the ticklish sensation. "Night night, Bwucie."

I waved at him again as I unlocked my front gates and watched him speed off from behind it, obscured by the shadows of the decorative trees growing right behind the fence.

Bruce's face had morphed into something akin to torment or suffering the moment I disappeared from his immediate eyesight and it baffled me to no extent. I ransacked my brain left and right, searching for a reason I might have inadvertently caused him to feel that way but found none. The only logical reason was that he was just lonely. He didn't have many friends from what I gathered and if judging by the proud tone in which he spoke of Will-Mr Davies today, he desperately needed some other company than his teammates. I wish I could have helped.

Mother was nowhere to be seen when I entered the house so a beeline for my bed was successful. The ugly, loud, dry-heaving sobs weren't in any shape or form attractive or acceptable to show to anybody but me so when they forced their way out of me, the pillow keeping me company. I cried as for everything that was happening to me as much as I sobbed because of the self-pity I was indulging in.

It was pathetic, really. My mother would scoff and my father... Well, he'd offer me to 'cheer up, throw a party, do normal teenager stuff'. The bottle of wine I kept in my closet was empty in no time: I justified that as a single lady in a big city, I was entitled to relax once in a while.

Who was I lying to? I downed a bottle in twenty minutes just so I could fall asleep and begone from all this bullshit for a while.

On Monday, I anonymously submitted the documents pertaining to Thompson's behaviour to the school board and to a local newspaper that was known to dabble in socialite gossip. Next day, an investigation was promptly launched and important-looking people started to appear in the hallways, going in and out of the principal's office. Flash was pulled out of class by two police officers: at this point, half the student population was unashamedly filming it on their smartphones, me included. With grim satisfaction, I sent the video directly to the group chat with an added message of "so long, fucker".

Steve didn't even remark on my profanity, just sent a thumbs up.

It really fuckin' blew up the next morning. The news was plastered across every paper, every social media site - "Midtown Principal's son arrested for grand theft auto and assault", "Midtown Principal Being Investigated for obstruction of education" and other ridiculous headlines that had me, Bucky and Natasha in shit-fits.

Flash returned to school on Wednesday accessorized with a pretty ankle monitor and a sullen frown. During lunch, he sat only with two of his closest minions instead of the chatty group he was usually seen with. Everybody avoided him like the bubonic plague, even teachers ignored him.

With the final bell, me and Pete went on to look for Happy outside the school territory.

I was spending nearly every evening at the tower either in Tony's or Bruce's lab or sandwiched between Wanda and Bucky on the couch, gossiping while TV shows mutely played in the background. I had found a second friend in the face of Winter Soldier who, much like me, spent a lot of his days occupied by the internet or in a general state of confusion. Bucky was charming, funny and very flamboyant. I enjoyed the no-nonsense attitude and zero fucks that he gave the world in general.

The moment I stepped on the other side of the gate, I immediately knew something was wrong. Peter squirmed uncomfortably beside me, looking frantically in every direction, trying to spot Happy's car in vain.

"Ay, Parker," The familiar obnoxious voice of Peter's bully reached our ears. "You wanna tell me how you got your grubby little hands on that file?"

Thompson had brought back up with him, the idiot that he was. He was standing off to the side, leaning against the fence while five older boys surrounded us in a tight circle.

"Leave us alone, Flash, you're already in trouble," Peter tried reasoning with the bully meanwhile I... I was searching for a cleaner, dryer spot to dump my $1500 bag onto in preparation for the inevitable. I was no stranger to swinging my arm - as a frequent house party guest, I've had to fend off enough unwelcome advances. I've been told I have a mean, mean right hook.

"Bold of you to assume Peter would actually steal something," I stated in a bored tone once my bag was out of the way and Pete was standing securely behind me. I wasn't afraid of Flash, mostly because I knew he'd step back for the fear of retaliation from my family was usually too much.

"Oh, look at that, the weirdo is talking," Thompson mocked, getting up and standing right in front of my face. "You know, I don't get why the likes of you have to go to school with us, normal people. See, Peter here might be a little wimp but at least he won't shoot up the whole school one day because his daddy didn't love him enough," Thompson decided to test his luck. To finish his epic tirade with a flourish, he spat on the ground next to me.

I snorted. "Wow, that's an awful lot of smart words for someone as dumb as a doorknob," I shook my head in disdain. "Look, either you go now or I'll sue you so far up your ass, you'll be sucking dick in prison just to get something to fill your stomach with." And wow, that comeback was really, really good. I was proud of myself.

I saw pure rage mar Thompson's already ugly face into something demonic and ducked at the last moment, feeling the blunt sting of his knuckles connect with my left cheekbone. Reflectively I swung, too, decking him straight in the nose with all the rage and despair that was burning deeply inside of me at that time.

I heard gasps all around me as the students whispered, shouted and cheered at Thompson's confused form hitting the ground. He held his face and his palms were stained a deep crimson; I felt something warm on my face, copper in my mouth.

"Does anybody want some of that, too?" My tone was icy. I shrugged off the hand that landed on my shoulder, glaring down one of the boys who came with Thompson.

"Shit, cops, RUN!" One of the students suddenly shouted and just like that, both me and Flash were surrounded only by a handful of students who had filmed the entire incident on camera. God bless technology!

"Uh, I think you're bleeding," Pete timidly remarked from behind me, hand still awkwardly outstretched towards me. He cast a guilty look to the side where Happy was running towards us, phone held to his ear, no doubt already on the line with Tony and the rest of the Avengers. Shit, fuck, SHIT. I didn't plan for this!

The police officers called an ambulance for Flash and took my statement while I was holding my bleeding nose up to the sky, much to the officer's dismay. Happy had passed the officer his mobile phone and I briefly heard Tony's voice saying that I will be taken care of in the tower's medical suite - and let's face it, no cop will go against Iron Man's charm and wit.

As an eighteen year old, I could refuse the on-site medical assistance that the city provided and my parents weren't required so I was let go after my statement was taken and my injuries photographed.

Not that the photoshoot really was required. Multiple people had the incident on video, from multiple angles. It was an open and close case. I called my mother in the elevator (she didn't answer) and left her a voice message with the bare facts of the situation and my current whereabouts.

Seeing the whole team assembled in the living room, some nervously twitching, some anxiously pacing, I couldn't help but let out a slightly hysterical giggle. "Oh my god, guys, I'm not in a coma, stop acting like I'm in a coma!"

Bucky was the first to approach me, carefully hugging me and steering me towards Bruce. He looked a bit rough, green-ish? I guess. But the first aid kit was already on the table and Stephen Strange was hovering nearby.

"You decked the sucker real good, doll," Bucky's Brooklyn accent made his speech less intelligible but he definitely got all the cookie points for the heat and the passion.

"Ditto. Should've kicked him in the balls, too," Natasha smirked and Steve mirrored her smirk with a darker twist.

"I'm going to sue him so darn far up his ass," Tony seethed, looking absolutely livid.

"Don't worry, mother's got it handled," I obediently laid down on the couch, staring up at Bruce's wide eyes and Stephen's focused face.

"You are fearless and fierce, dear lady," Thor boomed from somewhere.

All of this was making me... Emotional. I just punched a piece of human garbage, it was not a big deal, okay? He had it coming. I chuckled uncomfortably, wincing when Bruce began dabbing at the dried blood on my face with a piece of gauze soaked in alcohol. "Petey, you alright?" I asked, worried about the sudden onset of silence from the usually chatty boy. He mumbled something. "Speak up, I can't hear shit with all the ringing in my ears."

That earned me a worried look from doctor Strange and a frown from Bruce.

"I should've protected you-I mean-it's not that you can't do it yourself, or because you're a girl, it's just-I," he suddenly stopped.

"Go ahead, kid," Tony urged him with unmistakable kindness in his voice.

"You see, I'm-I'm actually Spider-Man and I'm afraid to accidentally kill someone, 'cause I'm really strong." Pete blurted out.

I had to replay his words several times in my head to get to the gist of what he was actually saying. Shy little Peter? Spider-Man? So that's why he was such a fucking pacifist? I mean, it made perfect sense if he really was strong enough to lift cars and hold together collapsing bridges like I'd seen on YouTube.

"Huh," I stated after a brief pause. "I guess I did double the work today, dumped out some trash and prevented a potential murder. I'm on a roll and I deserve chocolate cake," I rambled to distract myself from the incoming dull headache and the sting of the alcohol against the split skin of my cheek.

Strange chuckled, looking, possibly, the happiest I've ever seen him. Bruce giggled too. A tiny bit.

"Friday, order the biggest, most expensive chocolate cake that can be delivered in... Two hours," Tony immediately spoke up.

"Cake," I mumbled happily, a strange drowsiness overcoming me, making my eyelids droop. "Hey-mmm, doc?" I slurred, seeing Stephen's face fall. "M'think m'concussed, f'king 'ell!" The snort that left his mouth was absolutely hilarious; I started giggling, too, startling Banner into action.

He picked up his phone, saying something I didn't understand at all.

"Y'kno," I had this totally bright idea I absolutely NEEDED to share with everyone. "Y'kinda look like the guy... Wha's'is name... Bendy-snap Crum-ble-sticks? No, wait," Snorts and giggles began to resonate through the room as the amount of Doctor Stranges suddenly multiplied by two. He was a WIZARD, that was so cool! "I think... Mmm, yes... Benadryl-Claritin? No-no-no, 'das meds," Woah, a lot of people were there and they were suddenly all laughing. I wondered what was so funny. It was hard to think with so many people laughing; my temples were pulsating uncomfortably. "Wait, I know, I know!" There were wheezing noises now, noises that distinctively reminded me of Tony and Wanda and Bucky. "Bubble-butt Coitus-snack!" I triumphantly exclaimed, finally happy to have gotten it right.

The laughter turned into truly demonic cackling, surrounding me, they were so loud I almost managed to get fully afraid. And then, I passed the fuck out.

TAGLIST IS OPEN Y'ALL.

@another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP.4

Last time on Beverly Hills 90210!

Hibiki begins to understand the true nature of the Sam Reimi Spiderman trilogy as she lives the life of a superhero by night and a normal student by day in the most miserable way possible. Constant cockblocking from the duties she explicitly chose to do distance her from her significant other Miku, as it drives wedges into their friendlationship. As Hibiki breaks off a plan prepped weeks in advance to see rocks fall from the sky, she takes out her frustration on the local Kamen Rider villian rejects before coming up to see Tsubasa, only to be greeted by a new face...

Let us continue!

As the situation tenses between the three gi- hey! Hey, wait a minute! This is a flashback! That’s no fair. You’re just going to throw this to us while we’re trying to do this stuff? Get it together, show.

The show hauls our asses to a flashback, because God knows we needed one right now. It’s not just any flashback, though. It’s a flashback of our favorite redhead, Kanade!

In a straightjacket.

While everyone is staring.

“i dont usually do this but you’ve got a bad case of catch-these-handsitis”

“oh god, she’s so wild, and angry... i... why am i hoping she’s single...?”

“aye. this is the fate of all rabiosexuals out there.”

Kanade is tied down because she’s the sole survivor of a Noise attack, and more importantly, she really, really wants to fight the Noise. What she doesn’t know is that she is potentially a new candidate for a Symphogear relic.

“oh... we’d pair so well... our colors are diametrically opposed...”

“GIMMIE A FUCKING GUN AND A TEN PIECE CHICKEN MCNUGGET MEAL YOU GUY FIERI LOOKING ASSHOLE”

Genjuro, who suffers from Compulsive Child Adopting Syndrome (CCAS), immediately comes to the conclusion to adopt this tiny gremlin. It helps that her parents are, well, dead.

Fatherly instincts vibrating intensely.

Genjuro talks to this small child, who is currently 99% anger and 1% chicken fluff, scanning their conviction towards working to the goal of fighting the Noise.

In retrospect, his methods are a bit weird. Feeding into the extreme edginess of a 14 year old scorned isn’t exactly the best thing in the world. Unfortunately, as we established before, the only thing that can fight Noise are Symphogear, and the only reason he’s not in the front lines is because he can’t wield one.

Kanade naturally obliges this deal, her braincells having long since perished alongside her parents. Then Perish indeed, Kanade.

“buddy im being trained as a samurai in modern times and i still could not fathom going as hard as you”

The pact is sealed. The child is adopted. Genjuro’s adoption addiction relapses, and he’s going to have quite a long talk at AA (Adopters Anonymous).

The thing about Genjuro that makes him an interesting character is that he actually really, really, really hates the idea of having to pit children in fighting these horrible threats. Unlike a lot of male characters who have a strong sense of manliness but a poorly written way of expressing it, Genjuro manages to be a compassionate person in the face of all this terribleness. He’s the only person to think about throwing parties for these girls, and trying to give them any sort of sense of happiness and normalcy to their lives, now changed forever by machinations he has been put in charge of. He’s the Anti-Gendo. He doesn’t tell Shinji to get in the robot. He makes sure Shinji is well enough to be in the robot, and would never do so otherwise, knowing the mental toll.

That’s why ultimately, he is The Dad.

So, with that in mind, they prep Kanade to recieve the relic assigned to her. One of the major elements of using relics is compatibility. Kanade is not naturally compatible to Gungnir; they have to slowly ease her into it.

“mumble mumble cant wait to kick their asses mumble mumble”

This is a process that takes years. The show doesn’t do well in showing this, but it takes many, many years for her to be compatible after endless medical examinations and controlled situations.

The experiments, naturally, hurt like a bitch to boot.

“genjuro she’ll be okay, right?”

“flip a coin on it, tsubasa”

“oh shit yall see this news? pornhubs gonna buy tumblr! damn, i can make an all in one profile now.”

When you’re forced to watch your newly adopted daughter torture herself to be compatible with an ancient, musty cursed relic.

After all that, Kanade still isn’t compatible. Of course, nothing is simple with Kanade. You may ask yourself, “Why did Genjuro have to tie up Kanade in a straitjacket? That seems pretty abusive.”

Simply put, it’s because Kanade has never fucked around in any second of her life, having taken off all the devices on her, taken a direct syringe of the stuff she’s trying to synchronize with, and directly inject it into her, herself.

Fear.

“i am so SICK, and TIRED, of all this namby pamby wimpy ass standard shit. YALL MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I WONT GO FULL THROTTLE?! MY LIFE IS FULL THROTTLE. I! AM! GONNA! GET! SHIT! DONE! TONIGHT! BOYYYYS!”

Tsubasa, likely already going through puberty by this point, simultaneously understands both the concepts of fear and arousal witnessing this near suicidal display of absolute madness immediately.

Holy shit, Kanade.

You know shit’s bad when even Ryoko is afraid.

Turns out, however, that Kanade did the right move in becoming compatible with Gungnir, at a very physically demanding price.

Really, physically demanding.

“shouldnt have had that massive spaghetti carbonara before doing all this shit but fuck i really liked that fuckin’ spaghetti slorp slorp go the sauce ooooooooh god this is bad”

“HAHA IM FINE- IM FINE EVERYONE- THIS- THIS IS JUST THE SPAGHETTI- I HAD BEFORE THE- BEFORE THE PROCEDURE IT’S NOT- IT’S NOT BLOOD I SWEAR- OH I AM FEELING LIGHTHEADED- DON’T WORRY YOUR PRETTY HEADS IM GOOD! OH- OH FUCK-”

The scientists, who have been easily staring at this entire situation for more than 5 minutes or more, have not stepped in to do a single damn thing, as if overpowering a 14 year old to stop her from injecting a dangerous thing that could directly kill her is completely out of their paygrade. Genjuro wakes them the fuck up and likely briefly contemplates firing some of these morons.

“so this is what’s called... getting lost in the sauce...”

The scientists scramble to keep Kanade from vomiting more marinara sauce but Kanade exerts but a mere fraction of her now developing Symphogear abilities, knocking them all out with ease.

“this is some shit right here, damn”

Kanade pulls some Independence Day theatrics on everyone, as a 14 year old on the verge of death typically would if given the opportunity. Death may be certain but you at least get to go out in style. Will Smith would be proud.

The half-life of Tsubasa’s fearousal reached completion as it has mostly decayed into fear at this point.

However, the relic pendant begins glowing. This is likely the one thing that keeps Kanade from dying. An interesting comparison given Hibiki’s own survival and gear manifestation.

Kanade achieves super saiyan.

“THEY ALL SAID I WAS LOST IN THE SAUCE... AND THEY ALL THOUGHT THE SAUCE WAS LOST IN ME. BUT NOW... I AM THE SAUCE!”

Tsubasa’s fear directly transmutes itself back into arousal per the first law of alchemy. Something to note is that Tsubasa was naturally receptive to her own gear; she didn’t need to go through the medical process Kanade went through. It’s because of this that Kanade earns Tsubasa’s admiration for life, even long after she dies.

“THE SAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUCCCEEEEEEEEEE”

And so, the unambiguously gay duo known as Zwei Wing formed. Singers by day...

Noise slayers by night.

Saving the country, singing in the country, bonding together... in the country. Truly, there is no more iconic duo than these two.

“yall sing pretty”

“anyway bye”

Kanade’s initial motivation for getting Gungnir was to kill the Noise indiscriminately with no hesitation. It slowly dawns on her, though, that helping people... is good?

“the sauce lost me. i got lost in the sauce. i became the sauce. but... why don’t i... share, the sauce? because... people like sauce... and i like sauce... and we can bond together... liking sauce!”

Kanade and Tsubasa have a Captain America moment running together as Kanade muses about how singing for other people feels way better than just pure murder funtimes.

“hey, uh... tsubasa... it just hit me. i like sauce. and... you, you like sauce. do... do you want to share sauce together?”

“kanade as your girlfriend ive literally heard you talk about sauce metaphors for the last several years and if you dont think i wont slurp your sauce down without hesitation you’ve got another thing coming”

“hell yeah! ive still got some of my original leftover marinara to share!”

No heterosexual explanation whatsoever.

Not a damn one.

Oh yeah...! Because by shedding tears, the reality you face is...

Nehushtan? Weird end of a sentence, but okay.

We’re thrust back into the present time, present day, as we’re back in our three way throwdown.

Genjuro is an extra large McFuckingPissed with Large Fries and a Shake, supersized.

“you want some sauce with that? lmao, sorry, too soon”

As the werewolves come out in full force, the tension strengthens while a battle brews nearby...

“yall think you’re getting your hands on this goddamn armor without realizing im officiating this here gay pride parade. and guess what? you’re cancelled.”

“didn’t know clowns were part of the acronym, let alone capable of managing it. either way, you’ve gotta be at least this tall to use the armor.” 

“so why not make like a hobbit, drop the armor, and burrow back to whatever hidey hole you came from, bimbo baggins!”

“guess you didnt read the books, moron. last i checked, bilbo doesn’t lose his traveling partners.”

“that low blow only comes at the cost of outing yourself as a fucking nerd.”

“im not ashambed. im gonna blow your mind with some math: my foot, plus your face, subtracting the teeth from your mouth, equals an ass kicking.”

“NOTHING IN THAT FORMULA INVOLVES ANY ASS WHATSOEV-”

Hibiki gets in the way immediately, citing the ethical ramifications of fighting humans as opposed to talking to them, conveniently forgetting this was the same person ready to body her merely an episode or two ago.

“hey first of all please don’t say bimbo thats really degrading, and second of all clowns aren’t actually in the acronym but im sure there are some gay clowns out there so please dont talk like that and thirdly im sorta short and that hurt my feelings and fourthly killing is fucking bad, tsubasa, let us not commit human on human murder”

both of them, in unison, i shit you not:

“yo, you like murder? shit. i like murder too!”

“like oh my god! murder is my favorite hobby. i take it back, you’re chill. still gotta die, though.”

Hibiki is casually tossed aside from this fight, given her very ideas are anti-thetical to fighting as a whole.

A real sick battle ensues.

Something to note is that our spunky opponent has another relic at her disposal which summons Noise. This relic is called Solomon’s cane. You’ll learn more about it later.

Not a pretty sight.

Tsubasa is losing. Not only is she losing, but the enemy cool kid reveals a very notable detail of her plan: She was distracted Tsubasa on purpose. The real plan...

Was to kidnap Hibiki.

In an ironic twist, Tsubasa’s inability to work with her teammate not only put her teammate in danger, but explicitly allowed her opponent to fulfill her mission of trying to capture her.

“i changed my mind kick her ass please oh god”

Hibiki still has not learned her lesson.

Tsubasa gets her ass kicked. Her opponent pulls every punch in the book, with some lowdown dirty fighting.

Unfortunately, Tsubasa, having learned from the Kanade Amou Private School Of No Brain Cell Combat, she pulls the last ace from her sleeve.

“lmao bitch whatre you gonna do, sing?”

“i didnt design my hair like a fucking 8th note for nothing, you cabbage patch kid”

“then let’s hear it, motherfucker.”

[expositionaljazzskeleton]

the gangsey as things my friends have said

gansey

"those bees have balls!"

"the West Virginian mountains could fuck me"

"pack the wife and kids and go watch Mt. St. Helena erupt"

"Just let the fingers have a little dancing fun!"

"He does not need a straw to drink his chair"

"Uranium can't be transuranium... unless it wants to be and that's fine"

"My favorite amusement park: Seven Flags"

"I love the sound of smooth jazz and distant screaming"

"Do you wanna consider the lobster?"

"My elbows need some windshield wipin, if ya know what I mean"

"no, [Blue], I'm not gonna do a line of smarties off of your buttcrack"

"Its time to brush the tiny orange. go to college."

"stop infecting me with your lesbian coldness"

"what the fuck? it's not even whale time!"

ronan

"The rectangle and the rhombus fell in love and made a baby named the square and then they eventually commited suicide"

"Blue highlighters will never amount to anything"

"Fine print is for wimps"

"Have fun getting shanked by the bathroom clown"

"If I have a kid their middle name will be dragonfucker2000"

"Just casual arson, I guess"

"Javelin throw [Noah] out the window"

"If you give the baby LSD maybe it'll be happy"

"I wanna see an emu with a gun"

"The waters turning the whales gay. no wonder they're eating our plastic"

"The best way to ask someone's sexuality: what's your favorite flavor of crotch?"

"bikes are causing discrepancies amongst the skeleton mating habits"

"Juice is temporary. Sauce is forever. My brother said that. he's dead now. the juice got him"

"live your best life. eat your own ass"

adam

"facial absorption of math"

"I learned mama, dada, and the distributive property"

"Why am I not making enough good meat hunk sauce???"

"Everyone is just an allele goodwill"

"The shamrock shake gave me ptsd"

"Wait, there are recipes in the bible?"

"Heroine is not a bird"

"We're having a sauce crisis!!!"

"Y is bisexual. Y-sexual. It goes both y-s"

"I need some barbeque sauce to drown my math problems"

"Have a vengeance against the sight reading. This piece killed your father."

"don't upset sister scantron"

"911 YES HEWWO??!?!"

"my sexuality is Nickelodeon slime"

"what, you have boneless water where you live like some fancy person?"

"I don't deserve fingers"

"who tried to assassinate my pear??"

noah

"I want a Graham cracker taped to a rock as my tombstone"

"What flavor is your bus?"

"The city is very city. Very, very cultures."

"I forgot to water my baguette!"

"Trains are just worms!"

"You're just like leech, and I'm just like LEECH"

"How am I supposed to fall on my face if there is no worm?"

"Dying alone, GONG. Now there's a bell in your head."

"Chickens are fine. I don't think they have feelings."

"I shall always be loved for my corn bones"

"Sticks is a spectator sport"

"is the thumb no longer crunchy?"

"tea? Like, slurp slurp???"

"Alright. Lime screaming over"

"Martha Speaks wrote James and the Giant Peach"

blue

"you must have the highest knees"

"My leg is not the Protestant Reformation"

"TV static, yum!"

"I promise I will never call you a beanie bitch"

"Spanish colonists were furries confirmed"

"Its called a prayer circle, dumbass"

"You can't force your granola culture on me!"

"Rainforest won't make you feel bad about yourself"

"I'm just an intern stripper"

"The spinoff of Five Nights at Freddies: Four Nights at a Hotel Somewhere"

 "you put the 'hobo' in 'chobani'"

"What's it called... English? is it English? fuck English"

"keep it in, walrus man"

"You don't tell a lady to keep her spear in the trunk"

"are you an athlete or a mathlete? I'm a bitch"

"this is discrimination against string instrument players and lesbians!!!"

"how do you smoke weed? oh you SMOKE it!"

henry

"Now I'm definitely not voting for you because you stole my tangerine"

"Are you implying that all other spas are run by robots?"

"The sun..... cannot slide"

"Out of all the animals that would dab, the Clydesdale horse is not one of them"

"Thymine is a power bottom"

"Only white people are legally allowed to play ultimate frisbee"

"I wanna get jumped by second graders"

"No! Rice crispies baby daddy!"

"That ladybug is thirsty AF"

"duck shit? that's hot"

"there's a lot more gay popes than I thought"

"government funded orgies"

"I don't know what God tastes like but pussy tastes like good fuckin food"

"remember that thing we did yesterday? yeet the moon"

"hell yeah ladies get on this scarf dick"

"have you ever seen the human centipede?? THAT WOULD BE THE BEST ORAL SEX EVER!!!"

[beatconductor-blog]

the gift that keeps on giving

HAL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5F6KgFgnGc

Bro: Awww, babe.

HAL: Happy birthday, I love you.

> Are you actually grinning? > Yes. Bro: I love you too, you big fuckin gay.  Happy birthday.

> He better fucking be. So are you. HAL: Only the gayest for you. A brotherly I love you goes out too Dave as well though. Get your special birthday coffee, it's made with love and all the good shit.

😎 : thanks 😎 : not watching the vid tho

HAL: Fair. I can sing for you in person.

Bro: Birthday request. Bro: Sing it in early Vocaloids Kaito voice. Bro: Before the revamp that made him halfway tolerable.

HAL: Consider it done.

Bro: I love you so much.

HAL: Downloading the voice pack as we speak. HAL: Also: I made scrambled eggs, get your protein in boys.

😎 : god

Bro: Love me some Egg™ in the morning.

HAL: I know you love eggs, babe.

😎 : yeah alright i love eggs too gimme that good shit

HAL: Come eat up my delicious eggs. HAL: Also get your presents.

Dave 9:07 PM

> Well damn it alright you're getting up and head to the kitchen to get your coffee. And eggs. And presents.

Hal 9:18 PM

> You find one (1) Robo bro sitting at the table with coffe for you and one (1) present with your name on it. It is neatly wrapped in red paper. There is one (1)  other present on the table but it is orange and says "Dirk". Guess who it belongs to.

Dave 9:21 PM

> You got two boxes squeeze under your arm yourself, which you slip onto your lap as you take a seat on the table. Obviously you grab the orange one with a totally not shit eating grin. "Cool thanks man."

Hal 9:23 PM

"Dave, are you 100% sure you want to see what I am gifting Dirk?" > You give him a patented "It's hardcore porn" look. That's a thing, yeah.

Dave 9:26 PM

"You think I'm a coward?" > You put the orange present aside tho, mostly because you never planned to open it anyway. Instead you reach for the coffee that's probably for you. And anxiously stare at the box that's for you. You want to open it, but do you want to open it in front of Hal?

Hal 9:28 PM

"You are allowed to open your presents, you know?" > Don't be a coward Dave, get your tiny robot crocodile.

Dave 9:30 PM

"Really?? Explain." Are you stalling or being a little shit? The answer is both.

Hal 9:31 PM

"I hear it's human tradition to open up your birthday presents when you receive them. I am not an expert, of course."

Dave 9:32 PM

"Sounds fake but okay." Fiiine you reach for the present and.. actually.. unwrap it really carefully.

Hal 9:33 PM

> Actually lowkey anxious about the reaction. You didn't get to give many presents in your life so far. Not that it shows though, you have the same resting bitch face as usual.

Dave 9:39 PM

> Well, when you got it unwrapped you actually find a what. Tiny metal crocodile? For real??? > You carefully take it out of the box like its out of glass or something. You're totally quiet, but only out of fascination. Damn, that's. Cool. Your grin grows wider as you look at it from all directions.

Hal 9:41 PM

> The tiny crocodile starts moving and making sounds. It sounds a bit like..."Nak." How peculiar. "Thought you could use a little friend."

Dave 9:55 PM

It moves. Your mouth actually drops open. Holy s h i t. This is like all the cool toys on the kids tv ads you could never have, except even better. "Whaaat." You give it some little pets to watch its reaction.

Hal 9:59 PM

It naks some more and wiggles a little. It's not exactly a complex work of robotics, it's just a cute little toy. But it's made with love. You are most definitely smiling watching this though. Seems like he likes it, good.

Dave 10:24 PM

God do you love it. You actually spend a few good few minutes playing with ity totally forgetting about your coffee and your own presents. Eventually you realize you're not really alone. "This is.. so amazing... man, thanks.."

Hal 10:32 PM

The most shit eating robot grin. Fuck yeah, you are rocking this presents shit. Of course you are, you are amazing. "They say self made presents are the best after all, right?"

Dave 10:53 PM

"..you made this." You're not really surprised, you just.. didn't really think about that. You pull the little crocodile close to your chest in a very strong 'I will cherish this and protect it with my life' gesture. "Thank you. I... I don't have a self-made one for you.." Well, you're feeling a little awkward. There's no way you can compete with a gift like that.

Hal 11:07 PM

"Sure did." Yep, still got the most shit easting grin. Feels great, you could get used to this human emotion called gifting shit. The smile dies when he mentions he has a present for you. Duh, of course, that's two boxes. And yet just the concept of receiving a gift is still alien to you. Fuck. Play it cool, don't look nervous. "Doesn't have to be self made to be totally rad."

Dave 11:15 PM

"Well. It's damn rad if I may say so." Can't fake enough self-confidence to hide how nervous you actually are. You shove the smaller one of the boxes over at him though.

Hal 11:19 PM

There's a comment along the lines of "Oh of course, the smaller one for the lesser bro" comment on your lips but you bite that back. C'mon no, don't be a bitch for once Hal. Not about this, and not when you are excited, o matter how big it is. You can't decide if you are excited or anxious as you open it. Exious.

Dave 11:21 PM

"Hey now, it's not the size that matters." Actually, his gift is the one you specifically bought for him. Caught you a little offguard that you have yet another birthday to celebrate this year, but you wouldn't be you if you didn't manage some last minute baller presents. Inside the package, for the record, is a mug. But not just any, but motherfucking rad unicorn mug. One that changes color with hot beverages.

Hal at 12:27 AM

Oh. Oh no. It's perfect. It's absolutely perfect and you are glad you are incapable of tears. Fuck. It's stupid, but the fact that he obviously put some thought into that thing? Has you feel some kind of way. Your voices glitches just a little when you speak, betraying just how emotional you are over this thing. Damn it. "It's pretty cool I guess. Thanks."

Dave 12:31 AM

The glitch in the voice actually worries you for a moment. But like. Is that actually an emotional raction? You are having a moment of doubt because the reaction sounds pretty... neutral, but then reassure yourself Hal just isn't one for big emotions. So the fact alone that he doesn't really have it in him to be snarky over the present, that means a lot, right? "You're welcome" you grin.

Hal at 12:48 AM

It means a lot more than you are really capable of reliably expressing. Humans go for hugs in that case right? You hope they do, cause you do that right now. Big old Robo Bro hug for Dave. You pull back like nothing even happened after a minute and your voice is back to normal. "So, how about them eggs?"

Dave 12:57 AM

O-oh, guess he really likes it, huh. You're having some mad proud big bro dokis here. He's back to normal after the hug, but nothing is gonna get this huge grin off your face today. "Yes please."

Hal at 12:58 AM

You wordlessly get that boy some delicious eggs. You'd say something about that grin but...Nah. He deserves that one.

Dave 9:53 PM

You sit there at the table and keep playing with the lil Nakodile until Bro comes. Still got a present for him too, after all!

Bro 10:14 PM

You emerge from your Cave later than intended, as silently as ever; you hadn't managed to start your sleep cycle on time, so you woke up a bit bleary-eyed after 45 minutes of uninterrupted snooze.  Yikes!  But you stretch, and then you ruffle Dave's hair as you slip past him to go straight for that coffee machine. Which is to say, your boyfriend, to give him a good morning kiss.

Dave 10:17 PM

You snort and shove his arm away as he passes you.(edited)

"Morning."

Hal at 10:20 PM

Well damn, and there you had hoped for a full hour. Perhaps another day. He gets a good nice robo smooch and a coffee on top of it. No one can say you aren't the perfect house husband. "Morning, babe. Ready for your happy birthday song?" You did in fact download the vocaloid voicepack he requested. Took a bit with the shitty connection so you  absolutely plan on going through with that shit. And most likely using it at inappropriate times later.

Bro 10:23 PM

"Mornin.  And fuck yes I am." You take the coffee and then take your seat, right next to- oh hey, Lil Cal! When'd you get here?  All seated like a proper gentleman and shit, andd with a little birthday hat to boot.  Nice.  Well, regardless, you're sipping your coffee now. "It's all I could have ever hoped for."

Hal at 10:26 PM

You sing for him, in german of course, and hand him his present. Alles Gute zum Geburtstag, Dirk!

Dave 10:31 PM

You sideeye Lil Cal. Nice meeting you again, buddy. Caaarefully pull Nak Jr. away and shield his innocent eyes from this hell doll.

Bro 10:32 PM

Big ol' fuckin grin then.  Aww jeez, the madman really did it.  You ruffle your own hair, just absolutely pleased with this development, before pulling the present open-

Hal at 10:36 PM

You never half ass shit, especially not stupid jokes. In the box Dirk finds a tiny robot pony, complete with cute pink bow. She is perfect if you dare say so yourself. She neighs softly.

Bro 10:37 PM

You, right now:

Dave 10:38 PM

You watch the unwrapping really curiously and excitedly actually. Hal has already proven he's baller at presents. When you see what's inside though... Oh. Okay. Oh well. That. Hm.....

This is awkward. You just.. sink back into your own seat and keep busy with Nak Jr.

Hal at 10:39 PM

Mission fucking accomplished. You are grinning. Fuck yeah, you are the best at this present shit. Go you.

Bro 10:41 PM

You pull out the little pony and set her down between you and Dave, stroking her back in more than a little bit of awe.  "Fuck yes.  Babe, when the fuck did you have the time..."

Hal at 10:45 PM

"I get bored when you're at work." That's also why you took up cooking. Welp.

Bro 11:00 PM

"Haha, fair enough.  This is fuckin amazing."  You have not yet settled on a Name for the pony,but you know whateveer you're gonna name her is gonna be epic.  "Thanks, babe."

Hal at 11:02 PM

He gets another quick kiss, sorry to get gay on main Dave, but you will have to deal. Talking about Dave, you turn to look at him. "What about your present Dave?"

Dave 11:08 PM

Time to die some more. You shrug dismissively and pull up the other box to hand it over to Bro. "It's nothing special.." That's only half true. You had it up in the storage for a good portion of these five years, waiting for Bro for whenever he'd come back. It seemed fitting, but now you just feel cheap and unoriginal.

Bro 11:19 PM

You take the box, but first, you lay a hand on Dave's wrist, somewhat? comfortingly. "Hey.  I wasn't even expecting a gift.  Anything you get me is special, dude." Which is goddamnedd true.  You haven't really celebrated your birthday in... a long, long time.  So you're delighted, albeit in that cool guy way of yours, as you open up Ddave's gift.

Dave 11:40 PM

It's... reassuring, but you're still anxious. You still give him a hesitant smile as answer. "Alright." Inside the present Bro finds a Barbie horse from like 2012. (One... that can walk. https://youtu.be/mWSmlIx6ydA)

Bro 11:42 PM

Your face, right now:

Dave 11:48 PM

You're watching him closely and.... that expression... not only relieves you, but makes you smile yourself. Good job? Good job.

Hal at 11:49 PM

Good job. "Jee Dirk, How come your mom let's you have two ponies?"

Bro 11:56 PM

"Because I'm the motherfuckin best." Two ponies.  Two girlfriends.  They're dating now, you've decided, as you make them trot next to one another.  "Y'all didn't have to get me anything,but... thank you.  I fuckin love this."

Dave 11:59 PM

Your Bro is a fucking dork. And you love it. You love how much he loves it. "You're welcome."

December 5, 2018

Bro 12:01 AM

You sip your coffee as you watch the horse girlfriends prance, before glancing at your phone.  You say, "Hey, Dave, you got somewhere you can go for about an hour or two later on?"

Dave 12:07 AM

You give him a very quizzical look. If you didn't know better with how much he's been looking forward to this and planned to cook dinner and all, you could almost think he forgot to get you a present. "Uh, I've been planning to go see Sock for a bit before dinner."

Bro 12:08 AM

"Don't need you gone too long."  Sip your coffee.  "Just long enough to get your gift in here and set up without spoilin the wholeass thing for you."

Dave 12:11 AM

"Yeah, I can head out after noon and come back with Sock later."

Bro 12:13 AM

"Sounds good to me."  You look pointedly to Hal then and say, "Gonna need your help with it, but I'll give your your present then, too."

Hal 12:16 AM

"Oh? Looking forwards to that one, babe." You aren't saying anything about how you can't wait for the birthday sausages you were promised, and Dave better appreciate that.

Dave 12:18 AM

They're saying enough already and you just roll your eyes. "Try not to do the giving presents on the kitchen table" you just say. And then proceed to try and make Nak Jr. ride on the robot horse.

Hal 12:22 AM

"Of course not, dad. We'd never." You can roll your eyes just as good.  Watching him play with the robots makes you smile though.

Bro 12:24 AM

It makes you smile too, though you make no such promises.

[royalrastafariannaynays]

i knew from the first time

a dirkjohn shortfic, just a little drabble :) enjoy

There’s this kind of… stupidly catchy and happy song playing, and it’s giving you chills. To say that feels a little lame, a lot cheesy, and just a tiny bit dramatic. But it’s true. 

It might also be the dreamboat with the baby blues that keeps making eyes at you from over your brother’s shoulder. 

It feels like you’re Sherlock Holmes or fuckin’ Greg House or some shit, but you’re catching every detail you can, and trying to derive him. Yeah, derive him. He’s probably totally off limits, since he’s one of Dave’s friends. The two girls in the foursome are laughing at something he’s just said, and Rose takes a sip of her water, and Jade downs the three shots in front of her like she’s willing to drown by way of cheap well shots. 

That being said, Dave’s also chuckling. Which is.

Amazing. 

Dave doesn’t really laugh much, let alone in public. But this guy is getting his shoulders to move up and down, and one of Dave’s hands is covering his face. If you look closely, when the guy isn’t actively looking anywhere else, you can see his lips form the familiar ‘Karkat’ you see a lot, mostly from Dave. 

And those lips aren’t easy to look away from once you’re staring. 

They’re just a little chapped, probably from the beer. And he’s got some scrabbly shadow on his face. Hasn’t shaved in a day or two? His sleeves are rolled up, so he’s comfortable showing his arms. And they’re really nice arms. And his hair is so soft-looking that–

“Dirk!” 

You look back to Roxy. 

“Sorry.”

“I know you’re protective over little Davey but you really gotta loosen up! He’s twenty-four!” she says, landing a hand on your shoulder. 

It fucks up the screwdriver in front of you, and you get orange alcohol on your white shirt. Dammit. 

“He’s a big kid now!” she continues, shaking her head. 

“He can’t even drive–” you automatically protest, and she snorts. 

Roxy grins at you like she knows you’re going to lose whatever invisible contest she’s started. And yeah. You already lost. 

Your nails are a little too long. To avoid biting them, you tap them on the table. 

“He does too know how to drive,” she says. “He just doesn’t have a car.”

And, yeah. That’s not untrue. 

“Okay, okay,” you say, directing your full attention toward her. You know very well that Rose bribed her to drive her here, just to distract you from hanging over Dave’s shoulder all night. You can admit that maybe you’re a little bit of a helicopter parent. 

After all, ever since you rescued him from his dad’s? 

That was…

Scary shit. 

“Here,” Roxy says, and smacks a shot in front of each of you. Where the fuck did she even pull those out of? 

It burns as it goes down your throat. Roxy makes a hissing noise from her teeth, and wiggles, and pumps her fist in the air. That’ll be it for her tonight, you know. She’s the responsible one. No drinks until she was of age. No drugs, no one-night stands. 

Ha. 

You cleaned up a lot when Dave moved in with you. But it didn’t used to be pretty. Caffeine pills and energy drinks and Adderall to help you get through college, four years before your peers. You were That One Kid Who Skipped All The Grades. And after that, when you weren’t working, you were spending too much time in clubs, and at claustrophobic music festivals you had a little too much fun to ignore the panic of social overload. You hadn’t ever had a good relationship, unfeeling for literally anyone who came your way. 

And then Dave came in, and you started trying to make meals, burning toast, giving him an allowance, paying for his college with robot money. Cause he was your half-brother–

“Too much thinking!” Roxy says, abruptly. “Not enough dancing!” 

Speaking of siblings, your sister is currently dragging you off your chair. Maybe she steals your shades and hooks them over her own shirt, so you have to follow her. Maybe you resent her for actually doing what Rose wanted her to do.  Rocket scientist who just has… way too much capacity for fun. 

But hey. Dave will drive you home after this. 

Or you could afford a Lyft, probably. 

The dance floor is smaller than you’re used to being on, and the lights are a little brighter, but the music is really fun. 

Incapable of truly holding a beat, you more attempt to dance while Roxy spins circles around you, using you as a prop for her own fun. The usual. It’s a very careful and delicate symbiotic relationship. 

That same song plays again. The one that was playing earlier, with the eyes. 

For shits and giggles, you look over toward Dave’s table. 

Blue Eyes Guy is making eyes at you again. What the fuck? Is he trying to start a fight or does he want to fuck you??? Maybe both?

Examination of the tee shirt under his flannel shows you a green Slimer shirt of all fucking things. Roxy is dancing, using your arms to spin herself and try to force you into having more fun, but you’re too distracted. Blue Eyes is leaning his chin on his hand, just watching you now. So it wasn’t Roxy he was watching? It’s not something you’d considered until this point, distracted and way too gay to consider the existence of heterosexual people. 

He’s got square glasses, and…

Okay. 

You’re done. 

He’s just pulled on the arm of the glasses. Like, he fucking wiggled them like they were his eyebrows, and. Fuck. Okay. He’s pulling your leg. That’s good, it’s happened before. 

Roxy pulls your face to herself, almost shouting the lyrics of this song into your ears. It makes you laugh with the surprise of it, and you manage to get distracted, finally. Fuzziness seeps into your head as the alcohol finally hits you. And the lights aren’t too bright anymore, and Roxy’s dancing lifts your arms over your head, and you can actually follow the beat now that you’re paying attention. 

Maybe you just think you can follow the beat, though. That’s probably it.

But you can also choose to care about that tomorrow. Kind of like you’re choosing to care about the lyrics of this song right now. 

Cheesy top forty music that has two full verses, neither of which are truly meaningful. But the people on the dance floor are moving, and you’re having a good time with your sister, and it’s so much better than the acid and angel dust. 

Before you know it, it’s four songs later. You’re sweating, and there’s adrenaline and endorphins. Roxy’s gotten you another shot, and you might actually feel your face twitching into some kind of smile. 

Roxy laughs, and leans in to shout something into your ear about the bathroom. You go with her, of course. What are friends for except making sure you don’t get lost on your way back? 

The lines outside the ladies room are long, and once she disappears through the door, you go back to wait in the little hidden hallway nearby. She’ll find you. 

Time passes, some of it you’re aware of. Without Roxy right here, talking to you and making you feel normal, it’s too quiet. That’s okay. 

“Hey! Dave’s big bro, right?” 

Bright and a little too loud, the voice sounds right next to your ear. It makes you jump nearly a million feet in the air, and you’re trying to figure out an exit strategy already, dodging around the guy until you uh. 

Oh. 

It’s the… the guy. The blue eyes guy. 

“Blue eyes guy,” you say, and you’re just tipsy enough that you don’t even know if it was intentional or not. 

Regardless, the guy laughs, rubbing a hand over his face, and you feel like you’re on fire. Holy shit, he’s tall. 

Grey leisurewear sneakers, black hair, the hint of an outgrown overbite. He’s in college. Clean hands and nails - medical school? Dried out skin on his hands points to a lot of washing. Makes sense. Though to have such clean teeth. Dental? 

“Orthodontic tech, for now,” his lips say, while you’re trying not to look at them. “Do you talk to every one this way?” 

“Uh.” 

That’s it.

That’s all your super-genius fucking brain comes up with. You’re a mess. 

Sweaty, too. 

A hot mess. 

“Well, the hot part is right,” he says, and you feel like you’re on fire again. The slut instincts in your little slut brain are telling you to jump him right the fuck now. Maybe you’re more drunk than you thought. 

Your back hits a wall? What?

The hallway smells like weed. Huh. And Blue Eyes Guy is closer to you than you remember. Not a bad development. Maybe you’re a better dancer than you thought? 

“So, your name is Dirk,” he says, and his whole face looks like a daring scheme waiting to happen. A tricky face. A face that would short-sheet the bed and put saran wrap over the toilet. That’s annoying as fuck. But everything else? Hm.

“I don’t know what your name is, yet,” you say. And that’s a strange way to word a fucking question. 

“I’m John,” he says, and thank God he was able to push through your road block of social ineptitude. “And Dave has specifically told me that you’re off limits.” 

Oh right. Dave’s friends. 

“What, are you trying to get with me anyway?” you ask, feeling a touch more sober for a second. That’s a little offensive, even if you would tap it anyway. Cause you’d hate yourself after, but he looks like he’d feel real good. “You trying to use me or something?” 

John laughs, out loud. Not just a snort. 

“Fuck no,” he says, and okay. That’s okay. “Especially not while you’re drunk.” 

“I’m not drunk,” you say. And yeah you are. It’s been a long time since you drank. A long-ass time. 

“Yeah you are,” John echoes your thoughts, and you almost frown at him before remembering he’d be able to see it without your shades. 

You might be cute, but you’re not stupid. “Then why are you putting the moves on me, John…”

“Egbert,” he fills in, with a grin. And he leans in, and just a little away from your mouth, he sighs. Beer smell, not the best. But you get a whiff of your cologne from where you are, and okay. Flirting is. Kind of the best fucking thing. 

You choke back a laugh. “Answer the question, dumbass.”

John laughs on your face, pulling back so that you can see his. From here, Dave wouldn’t be able to see. Hm. Interesting. 

“I wanted you to know,” he says, and his body is so warm and he’s so tall and broad, and fuck. Seven years ago…. if he wasn’t a little baby teenager? Hurgh. 

“I wanted you to know, because I have absolutely no intent of hearing him out,” John says. “And I want to ask you out because you’re really cute.” 

Now, the corner of your mouth twitches up a little bit. If you weren’t so well-trained (by yourself), you’d giggle. The impulse is there, but you hold it desperately back. 

“Go for it,” you tell him, and when you lift your chin a little, you get the best head rush. Your lips are almost on his…

And you hit something cold. When you open your eyes, he’s looking fit to burst with laughter. Like something is just so funny.

Annoying.

You actually frown, now, and push him away from you. Just fucking around. You’re goddamn blind is what you are. “Not amusing, you prime dickhead.”

At the last possible second, he grabs your arm in one of his big hands, and you turn to him as you shake him off. Before you can open your mouth to shout at him and then very quickly go find Roxy, he holds out that same phone that has your lipstick print on it. 

“I was serious, though,” he says, and he looks a little apologetic. His phone is open to the contacts, a new one waiting for your digits.  

It’s still… annoying. 

 But you take the phone, and you put it in. Who ever said you didn’t like assholes who can’t take anything seriously? No one, that’s who.

“I’ll kiss you when you’re sober, okay?” he says. 

And that’s even more annoying. It’s a little patronizing. 

So you grab the collar of his stupid Slimer shirt, and pull him down to your level with all the grace of someone who has no idea what is supposed to come first in this shitty romance game. And you kiss him. 

He looks red, surprised, and shocked when you let him go, and he straightens up. Bright orange stains his lips and then a little around, sloppy from the smearing. And you huff at him. “Don’t text me before two in the afternoon or I’m blocking you.” 

He looks very pleasantly surprised as you walk away toward the little lounge area in front of the ladies room, where the spare mirrors are. 

We’ll see where this goes. 

We’ll see. 

[tumblunni]

wtf is up with creepy anime game things using robots and metaphors as a way to sneak comparatively extreme sexual content past the ratings board? Like I mean there was a relatively Not Bad version where Aigis gets a metaphorical sex/makeout/something scene when you romance her in persona 3. Fixing one of her robot parts is apparantly erotic to her or something?? It was really cringey but like it wasnt OVER THE TOP, and it was alright in context cos like it meant she was the only gay option in the updated rerelease. (Since she still gets the scene if you pick the female character.) But like still it was really weird and dumb. But I just saw an EVEN WORSE version of that same damn scene in this thing called Ar Tonelico! Like friggin EVERYTHING in the game is a robot sex metaphor, and there’s really problematic fanservicey bullshit about it. Everyone has weirdass pervy outfits and you unlock more weirdass pervy outfits by ‘diving’ into their ‘cosmosphere’, aka magic dungeons that represent their soul. But like you don’t even get an explorable place or cool boss battles, its just a bunch of really cringey dialogues full of pervy nonsense and like.. 5% actually semi-emotional proper character development stuff. But its really hard to feel anything about those when you had to get past all this weird ‘oh its my first time’ and ‘i’m mad at you cos the man should ask the woman to Dive’ and ‘plz come insid me protagonist sama uwu’ and one of these sexualized characters being a ten year old who’s really an eighteen year old and just GAHHHH And like apparantly the series gets even worse in the sequels and you get ‘battl damage’ making the robot girls naked when they take damage and like BUT THEYRE ROBOTS WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE BOOBS AND STUFF?? i mean they look exactly like humans and apparantly they can interbreed with humans but also they have to stick microchips in their ass and stuff?????? OH AND THATS THE WORST PART like somehow EVEN WORSE than the ‘dive’ system is the ‘life extending agent’ scene cos apparantly half human magic robot people need to consume some sort of magic robotic.. thing, or they die. Its very poorly explained. like its called an agent so you’d think it was a liquid but then its apparantly a circuit but then that circuit comes in a giant crystal rock that you have to shove inside them.. YEAH YEAH YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING cos they have an ‘expansion slot’ that all their robot stuff goes into, and its like a magic tattoo somewhere on their body. and like this is what i mean about EVERYTHING being pervy! its already creepy enough with them being all female magic robots that physically require being partnered to a man in order to fight, cos they can only do support and need to be protected and like lets have a forty hour plot about the true definition of protecting your love and blablabla. And also all the bad people have robot girls too, and they’re like.. metaphorical sex slaves. Cos you can still ‘dive’ and use ‘expansion slots’ if the robot isnt consenting, and just... ugh. Thats even creepier than literal rape! What if the rapist could actually walk inside your soul and change stuff around to make you more obedient! Game, why are you not thinking about what you wrote??? And like all the upgrades are this ‘expansion slot’ where you shove pointy metal things inside a girl’s boob hole and she yells out in pain but ~uwu i have to do it to help save the world~ gahhhhhhh And the LIFE EXTENDING AGENT which isnt an agent and is instead a big ol dildo rock the girl who has to do that has her expansion port on her back so the animation is just extra sexual and its all ‘BUT ITS SO BIG’ and ‘PUT IT IN HARDER’ and just fuckin STOP, GAME, STOP and then she falls into his arms all exhausted and like apparantly she has to do this once monthly to not die and the game is just all ~wow she is so brave please love this poor suffering anime waifu~ and like.. patronizingly plays out as if this was a normal legit plot point and the audience isnt meant to notice its a giant crappy inuuendo. Like if you wanted me to take it seriously then JUST DO THE PLOT ABOUT HER LIFESPAN BEING LIMITED. I can’t cry for her when she’s dying because of DONG DISEASE and the cure is MORE PEGGING also like neither of the two girls has any chemistry with the protagonist yet they’re all falling over him and being jealous girlfriends after like two days of.. vaguely existing in the same room as him and being female and loli girl says she was his childhood friend but he doesnt remember her. And he just... believes it?? nobody questions it?? we still dont know who the fuck she even is?? and she’s allowed to act jealous and mad at him for talking to other girls even though he doesnt know who she is and seriously you’re not fucking dating him?? and also you’re like twelve?? but really eighteen?? as represented by a giant naked portrait of yourself within your own headscape?? god this game is a plothole wrapped in a trashy bikini also it sucks that i keep losing respect for Gust as a company when i find out that like.. i just got lucky playing the few games they have that ARENT super fanservicey, and now its a fuckin roulette every time i hear about another game. i just want your cool alchemy minigames i dont want robo rape plots T_T