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short-circuit-the-great · 10 months ago

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Song of Wolves / Ch 25 / When the Kitchen Starts on Fire, Look the Other Way

AO3 link | Previous chapter

Hayato has something to tell the others--except Masashi.

Warnings: nonsexual nudity, dick jokes, male best friends joke about railing each other

Full chapter below the cut.

Chapter 25: When the Kitchen Starts on Fire, Look the Other Way

Hayato opened the door, breathing heavily and sweating like crazy, and something was cooking in the kitchen. He heard Zura and Ikumatsu’s voices, along with Yuki’s, and it smelled like they were making a hundred different things.

It also smelled like coconut soap, and that was how he knew Masashi was nearby. He turned to see him lying across the couch, holding a book up to his face, and it was one of those super spicy romance novels.

“They could have this conversation without all the sex,” Masashi said. “Why does he need his dick out?”

“You’re reading erotica,” Hayato said. “What were you expecting?”

“Less dick and more plot,” Masashi said.

“Then you should probably read something else,” Hayato said.

“But consider,” Masashi said, still looking at the book, “dick funny. Haha, it says erection!”

He put the book down and took off his glasses. “I’m bored now.”

“Are you?”

“Mhmm.”

“You could go cook with them,” Hayato said.

“No,” Masashi said. “I want to know where you were. You were doing something super interesting. Probably.”

“I was, actually,” Hayato said.

“Sit with meeeee,” Masashi said.

“I’m drenched in sweat.”

“That doesn’t scare me,” Masashi said. “Sit here and tell me about your interesting thing.”

“Where? You’re taking up the entire couch.”

Masashi moved to a sitting position and slapped the cushion next to him. “Here.”

“Sure.” Hayato flopped onto the couch with such force that it almost sent Masashi flying, and they immediately started fighting, though not the angry kind. It was the fun kind and it always was, and it quickly led to both of them laughing on the floor. Hayato won by sitting on Masashi’s chest, and Masashi wheezed with laughter and tried to push him off, but Hayato grabbed his hands.

“I win.”

Masashi managed to lick his arm and he cursed and dropped his hands. Masashi laughed at him and said, “Get licked, idiot!”

“That’s disgusting,” Hayato said. “That’s so disgusting.”

“It always works,” Masashi said. “Masashi wins. Again.”

“You’re the one on the floor.”

“You’re the one who got LICKED,” Masashi said. “And you SQUEALED so that means I WIN.”

“I don’t squeal,” Hayato said.

“You’re right, you don’t,” Masashi said. “It was more like COUGHHACKCOUGHCOUGH OTHER SMOKER NOISES COUGHCOUGHCOUGH.”

“I don’t sound like that.”

“Mmmmmm, you do.”

“Gargle my samurai ballsack.”

“Sure,” Masashi said.

“That was a threat,” Hayato said. “Or an insult.”

“I’m immune,” Masashi said. “Gimme that dick.”

“Grab it and see what happens.”

“HUH?”

“Do it,” Hayato said.

“We say a lot of horrible things around the others,” Masashi said, “but don’t you think–”

“Coward.”

“It’s on,” Masashi said immediately, and he grabbed Hayato’s crotch, only to discover that it REALLY felt like a gun. Hayato lost his shit laughing and pulled the gun out of his pants, waving it around.

“It’s my Cock Glock 9000,” he said. “You still want it?”

“Yes,” Masashi said, looking at him with a dead serious expression.

“Here,” Hayato wheezed, shoving the gun toward him. “Here’s my dick.”

Masashi took the gun and stuck the barrel in his mouth, and Hayato smacked it out of his hands while they both cackled. “It’s not loaded,” Hayato said.

“Figured,” Masashi said. “Otherwise you would’ve blasted your nuts off by now.”

He picked the gun up off the floor and handed it back. “That’s smart,” he said through giggles. “Hidden weapon.”

“When I was in the hospital, they took it away,” Hayato said. “They took away my dick, Masashi.”

“CRUEL.”

“I know.”

“Snip, snip.”

“NO.”

“You almost did that when I got stuck to the lamppost.”

“You still haven’t explained what led you to do that.”

“I was hammered,” Masashi said. “Maybe.”

“You do weird shit anyway,” Hayato said.

“You mean WONDERFUL shit,” Masashi said.

“There’s nothing wonderful about getting your dick frozen to a lamppost,” Hayato said.

“There could be,” Masashi said. “Maybe I’m a pioneer.”

“Of what?”

“Frozen lamppost pe–”

“No.”

“No what?”

“No lamppost.”

“It was funny.”

“It was terrifying,” Hayato said.

Masashi slapped his thigh. “Can I sit up?”

“No,” Hayato said, but he moved so Masashi could sit up, and they leaned against the couch together on the floor. Masashi grabbed his hand because he wanted something to fidget with, and then he let go of his hand and started braiding Hayato’s hair.

“What was the interesting thing?” Masashi said.

“Sorry, my hair is disgusting today,” Hayato said.

“I don’t care,” Masashi said, “though I will say your armpit could kill a man right now.”

“Why hasn’t it killed you?”

“Because I smell WORSE.”

“You smell like coconuts.”

“WORSE.”

“Sure,” Hayato said. “Anyway, the interesting thing.”

“Yes.”

“I went to a bar.”

“Any WOMEN?”

“You know I don’t date.”

“Lick.”

“WHAT DID YOU LICK?”

“Nothing. Yet. Be afraid.”

“I hate you.” Hayato thought carefully about what to say next because he knew saying he talked to Sagara would make Masashi insanely angry. Masashi still vehemently hated Sagara after he landed Hayato in the hospital and nearly killed him. Masashi wasn’t going to forgive Sagara, and he wasn’t going to listen to anything Sagara had to say either.

So maybe it was best to leave it at I went to a bar and tell everyone else about what Sagara said.

But Ikumatsu wouldn’t want to hear it either. She definitely wouldn’t, especially because it was about her, and Hayato doubted Zura would want to hear either. From what Hayato knew, what they had going on was more or less the same as him and Masashi, though a lot less jokingly sexual. Instead of “Haha nice dick bro” or “GIMME THEM BALLS!” it was stuff like “Let’s make ramen together!” and “I would go to the ends of the Earth for you.” The second thing Masashi and Hayato of course also felt, but it was often expressed as punching each other or seeing how far Masashi would fly if he smacked his ass with the force of the gods.

Zura and Ikumatsu were definitely also very much in love in that same platonic way (though the way Zura looked at her sometimes, Hayato wondered what else he felt for her). Zura was not going to care what Sagara said, and the two of them had their own rivalry dating back years and years.

So it was down to Yuki and Guren, who would probably want to hear it, but Yuki was in the kitchen with Zura and Ikumatsu and Guren wasn’t here right now.

So Hayato was going to keep what Sagara said to himself.

Everything about that interaction was going to stay in his own head for now, and some parts of it were going to stay in there forever.

“You’ve been quiet,” Masashi said. “Was the bar that boring? You said it was interesting.”

“Would’ve been more interesting if I went with you,” Hayato said, which was true, if it was a different bar. If Masashi was there with Sagara, one of them would have died, and it was far more likely to be Masashi due to whatever Sagara was turning into.

Run, Hayato.

For the love of god, please run.

What was happening? Why didn’t Sagara know? Why didn’t he seem to have control over his own body?

Had he lost that much of himself?

“We can go somewhere together,” Masashi said. “That’s a great idea.”

He slapped Hayato’s shoulder. “If you can bathe first.”

“Yeah,” Hayato said. “I’ve been meaning to. I forgot.”

He turned toward the kitchen. “Yuki,” he called, “come here a second.”

Yuki appeared in the hallway between the living room and the kitchen and leaned against the living room doorway. “What is it?”

“We should go somewhere,” Masashi said. “All of us.”

“And Guren,” Hayato said.

Because I need to tell her something.

And Yuki.

“You’re right, she needs to get out of her house,” Masashi said. “And we can take Katsura and–”

“I was thinking just us four, actually,” Hayato said. “It’s been a while since we’ve all been together.”

“Three of us live together,” Yuki said.

“But not all four,” Hayato said, and maybe he was talking a little too fast, but he NEEDED to talk to Yuki and Guren at the same time so he could share what he learned with SOMEONE, and Zura and Ikumatsu absolutely could not be there.

Zura was the leader. If it turned to strategy and plans for how to deal with the Hunting Party, Hayato would tell him only what he needed to know. But as far as the whole picture? Only Yuki and Guren were going to get that, and Masashi would too if it wouldn’t stress him out so severely. But of course it would, and that was the last thing Hayato wanted.

“Dinner with the four of us sounds great, actually,” Yuki said. “Or whatever we want to do.”

Zura and Ikumatsu did not care that they were planning something without them.

“We were gonna head out soon anyway,” Ikumatsu said. “Hope you guys have fun!”

“Thank you for letting us use the kitchen,” Zura added. “I don’t have this many ingredients in mine.”

“We’ll see about that,” Ikumatsu said.

“You’re going to your house?” Hayato said to Zura, more than a little concerned. “In the district crawling with other rebels?”

“I know the paths to take that’ll keep us safe,” Zura said, “and I live with Elizabeth, and everyone else nearby is so unnerved by him that they’ll never mess with us.”

That was true.

“Still,” Hayato said. “Be careful.”

“We will,” Ikumatsu said. “See you guys later!”

They left, and Yuki called Guren, who lived right next door. She answered with a sleepy voice, indicating she’d just woken up, and she said she could be ready in a few hours. That gave Yuki time to make a reservation somewhere, and it also gave Hayato time to NOT smell horrible.

When they bought the house, he made sure he picked the biggest bedroom with the nice bathroom, and it had a bathtub with jets in it. It was heated too and all kinds of other fancy crap, so Hayato was in there with a good amount of bubbles. It was relaxing for a little bit, but then Masashi burst through the door with a jar for him to open.

“I can’t get this and neither can Yuki,” Masashi said. “You are a big strong man. Help us.”

Hayato looked over at him. “Both of you are also big strong men.”

“Not strong enough for this stupid jar.” Masashi set the jar on the edge of the bathtub. “Do your thing.”

“Come closer.”

Masashi did. “Why?”

Hayato dried his hands on his shirt. “That’s why.”

“Hey!”

“How else was I supposed to open the jar?” Hayato grabbed the jar and twisted the lid, opening it after a tiny struggle. “There.”

He stole some of the jam that was in the jar and handed it back. “Is this the stuff Yuki made?”

“Yes,” Masashi said. “It’s raspberry.”

“I like it.” Hayato got a handful of bubbles and slapped them onto Masashi’s shoulder. “Merry Christmas.”

“It’s not Christmas,” Masashi said.

“It could be if you believe or whatever,” Hayato said.

Masashi grabbed his own handful of bubbles and smacked them onto Hayato’s forehead. “Hide your ginormous forehead. It scares me.”

“Good,” Hayato said.

“Wash your hair with something besides the cheap bar of soap I know you use,” Masashi said.

“Why?”

“Because then it can be silky and smooth so it’s funnier when I shave it all off.”

“I’ll shave your head first.”

“Then we can be bald together.” Masashi crouched beside the bathtub. “I can wash it for you if you’d like.”

Hayato grabbed the 13-in-1 soap he’d been using for years—not a cheap bar of soap like Masashi thought. It was something much more efficient. “I know how to wash it.”

“Stop right there,” Masashi said, grabbing the soap from him. “What the hell is this?”

“Soap.”

“No,” Masashi said. “No no no no no no no. Stay here. I’ll get my stuff.”

“Where was I going to go?” Hayato called after him. “A naked walk around the neighborhood?”

“That’s right,” Masashi said when he returned with an armful of hair products. “I forgot. The homie’s NAKED.”

He pointed and laughed. “Where are your clothes at?”

“Shut up before I rip yours off,” Hayato said.

Masashi raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“You wish,” Hayato said.

“I do,” Masashi said.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Then get over here.”

“You serious?”

“No. HA. HORNY DUMBASS.”

“Don’t shame me.”

“I’ll shame you all I want.”

“Mean.”

“You deserve it.” Hayato looked around at how big the bathtub was and shrugged. “You can get in if you want, though.”

“You serious?”

“This time.” Hayato made a face at him. “Bro.”

Masashi was right next to him in the water. “Jumpscare.”

“How did you get here so fast?”

“I’m a stripper.”

“Former stripper, I thought,” Hayato said.

“You never lose it,” Masashi said.

“Nice tits,” Hayato said as he slapped Masashi’s chest. “You got nothing.”

“Gimme,” Masashi said as he grabbed his hair. “This is going to be taken care of for the first time in its life.”

Yuki walked in right then, looking for the jam, and he picked it up and gave Hayato a pitying look. “Did he get you too?”

“Yeah,” Hayato said right as Masashi said, “Yuki, can you hand me a brush? This is a nightmare.”

Yuki found a brush in a drawer and tossed it to him, and Masashi caught it and immediately started trying to get all the knots out of Hayato’s hair.

“Good luck,” Yuki said, and then he left with the jam.

“What did you do to it?” Masashi said. “It looks like a rat was nesting in here.”

“It’s just—ow—hair,” Hayato said.

“You need to take care of it if it’s going to be this long,” Masashi said. “You need to take care of it regardless, but especially when it’s like this.”

“I don’t know—ow—anything about that,” Hayato said. “Dude, are you trying to rip it out?”

“No, it’s very tangled, that’s all,” Masashi said. “We want a wide tooth comb for this. I’ll go get one.”

Hayato didn’t even blink when he got out, but Yuki shrieked and said, “Cover that damn thing!” as Masashi scurried ass naked through the house. When he returned with the comb, he started attacking Hayato’s hair again, and it took a while but eventually all of the tangles and knots were out, and Hayato felt like he lost half his hair. Masashi brushed it one more time for good measure, and he muttered something about split ends.

“We need to cut this,” he said. “The damage goes pretty far.”

“I don’t want to cut it,” Hayato said.

“You’d look reeeeeeeally cute,” Masashi said. “Or whatever you want to be.”

He put the brush down. “It’s up to you, but I really recommend cutting it. It needs it.”

“How short?”

“Pretty short, baby.” Masashi showed him. “Like here.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.” Masashi took one of the bottles and poured something into his hand. “But you’d look really good. I think you should do it.”

“Maybe.”

“This will make it look a little smoother,” Masashi said, “but the only real way to get rid of split ends is to cut them off.”

Hayato wasn’t sure what Masashi used to wash his hair, but it felt like a thousand different things and he didn’t understand the point of most of them. But they smelled nice, and it felt nice too, so he didn’t argue.

“There,” Masashi finally said. “Now it will be smooth and soft. But you should still cut it. Cough cough. It’s crying.”

“Thanks,” Hayato said, and he checked the time and it was almost time for them to go to the restaurant. “We should get going,” he said, and he got out.

“Yes, we should,” Masashi said as he let the water out. “We wouldn’t want to miss all the HAYATO WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR DICK AND BALLS I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING WHEN YOU SAID THEY TOOK IT AWAY!”

“Oh.” Hayato looked down, and then he shrugged and grabbed a towel.

“Why are you so calm?” Masashi said. “Your whole DICK is missing.”

Hayato started laughing as he dried off. “Dude, you were there for all the stuff with my dad. He was looking for his daughter. Did nothing about that click?”

“I’m going to the dick store,” Masashi said as he wrapped a towel around his waist. “You WILL have a dick and balls by sunset.”

“I actually rather enjoy not collapsing in a sobbing heap should something hit the boys,” Hayato said.

“But this isn’t fair,” Masashi said. “Now I have nothing to threaten.”

“And I have everything to threaten, so start running,” Hayato said as he cracked his knuckles. “I’m gonna make that shit squeak.”

“It doesn’t squeak! It’s not a dog toy!”

Hayato started chasing him, cackling maniacally, and Masashi ran in circles screaming. The floor was wet so Hayato put a stop to it quickly.

“I’m joking, I’m joking,” he said through laughter. “Be careful, you’re gonna slip.”

He hugged Masashi from behind, and Masashi smiled and rested his head against his shoulder. Hayato grabbed his crotch and said “HONK!” before running into his room, and Masashi yelled after him “MOTHERFUCKER!” and chased him.

“I’m getting dressed,” Hayato said. “You should too, slut.”

“I’m not a slut,” Masashi said.

“Then why are you naked?”

“So are you!”

“Nuh-uh.”

“When did you get dressed?!”

“Just now.”

“Your shirt’s backwards,” Masashi said, and then he left to get his clothes. When he came back, Hayato had fixed his shirt, and Masashi immediately tackled him. Hayato flipped him over and sat on his chest again.

“You keep falling for this,” Hayato said.

“Maybe because I like it,” Masashi said.

“WHOOOOOOA.”

“Dunk your brain in holy water,” Masashi said, “but also yes, only when it’s you.”

“What?”

“Moving on,” Masashi said. “The pressure’s nice.”

“You know what else is nice?” Hayato said.

“What?”

“Lasagna.”

“Are we getting lasagna?”

“I think they have some of everything,” Hayato said. “Let’s go.”

“Excited,” Masashi said. “I’m gonna steal whatever you order.”

“I’ll lick everything the second I get it,” Hayato said.

“Ew.”

“Surprised that stops you,” Hayato said.

“I draw the line somewhere,” Masashi said. “Also, your arm is within licking distance.”

“Not again.” Hayato jumped up and headed for the door. “I swear you’re some kind of reptile.”

“I have to taste the air,” Masashi said, “and the homie.”

“Yuki, come get your husband,” Hayato said. “He’s acting horrible.”

“Masashi, horrible?” Yuki said. “Never.”

He met them in the living room and added, “Just kidding. That’s his constant state.”

“Yay,” Masashi said. “I’m loved.”

“Go die,” Yuki said.

“Not until I eat,” Masashi said. “Where’s Guren?”

“Waiting for us outside,” Yuki said. “Are we walking?”

“Of course we’re walking,” Masashi said. “It’s not like we have a–”

BEEP BEEP.

“CAR?!”

Yuki bolted for the door. “YOOOOOOO!”

“Sweet,” Hayato said.

They all went out to Guren’s new car, where she was waiting for them with the window down, and then they all drove to the restaurant together. On the way, Hayato pieced together how to get Yuki and Guren by themselves so he could tell them what he’d learned. It was not going to be easy, but he’d only need ten minutes max, so if he could distract Masashi somehow…

He didn’t have any ideas, so he opened his phone and made a group chat with Guren and Yuki. He hoped Masashi wasn’t looking over his shoulder, but that wasn’t something he would do, so he didn’t worry too much.

Hayato had updated his own information to reflect taking his mother Astrid’s last name recently, though he wasn’t sure the others had done the same with his contact.

—

Hayato Viklund

There’s something important we need to talk about. It involves Sagara and it will stress Masashi out, so he can’t hear this. I need you guys to get him somewhere else for maybe ten minutes.

—

Guren was driving, so she didn’t reply, but Yuki, who was sitting with Masashi on his shoulder, tapped Hayato’s arm to acknowledge he saw the message. They exchanged a brief moment of eye contact and then went back to normal, thinking of what to do.

When they arrived at the restaurant, Guren saw the message and as they walked up to the door, Yuki fell back a few paces with Hayato and whispered, “He’s very easily distracted. The opportunity will present itself, don’t worry.”

That sounded insanely like planning an assassination or something else that involved betrayal, but of course that wasn’t it at all. They just wanted what was best.

And a few minutes into the dinner, Yuki proved to be correct.

“I’ll be back,” Masashi said as he stood up. “Soon.”

“What happened?” Hayato said.

“My nail chipped,” Masashi said. “I’m gonna go fix it.”

He got clear nail polish out of his pocket and said, “Don’t think anyone wants to smell this here.”

“I’ll drink it,” Guren threatened, and Masashi quickly left for the bathroom.

“Okay,” she said as soon as he was gone. “Hayato. Quick.”

“Right,” Hayato said. “So I went to a bar earlier.”

“Like you need any more alcohol,” Yuki said.

“Shut up,” Hayato said.

“I’ll give you tequila later,” Guren said. “Go on.”

“Thanks,” Hayato said. “Anyway, it wasn’t to drink. There was no one there. It was by the Hunting Party’s base, that old warehouse on the edge of town by all the creepy abandoned buildings. Just as I hoped, Sagara walked in.”

“Just as you hoped?” Yuki said. “Why would you want to meet him alone after what he did to you?”

“I wanted to understand,” Hayato said, and then he told them everything Sagara had said, though he left out the personal bits.

“So he went mad with grief and lost himself to a transformation,” Guren said. “What are we supposed to do with that? We were already set on defeating him if he showed up again.”

“And he will,” Hayato said, “because he said he won’t stop.”

“I don’t see what understanding a killer gets us,” Guren said. “He’s still a killer.”

“So is Ikumatsu,” Hayato said, and Guren was quiet for a minute after that.

“The only reason we aren’t condemning her too,” Hayato said, “is because we understand her.”

“Are you saying we should be friends with Sagara?” Guren said. “Because after what he did to you, that’s not happening. And I can see how much Daigo’s death fucked up Ikumatsu.”

“And I can see how much Sagara’s daughter’s death destroyed him,” Hayato said. “These are two people who have hurt each other very deeply.”

“And they are both dead set on killing each other,” Yuki said.

“Sagara hates Katsura too,” Guren said. “Their interactions as Joui rebels aside, it’s an old family rivalry as well. Sagara will tell you he doesn’t care about his birth family, but the enemies he made when he was part of that? He’s kept those.”

“He’s not going to change his mind,” Yuki said.

No, he wasn’t. War was going to consume Edo soon—Hayato knew that much. He’d hoped he could stop it somehow by understanding, but that was only going to make the inevitable war more difficult to fight.

“So what do we do?” Yuki said. “Knowing why Sagara wants to kill so badly, what do we do?”

The answer was obvious.

“Protect Katsura and Ikumatsu,” Hayato said, “and protect Edo as best we can.”

Because I said I’d stop you.

“I’ve become so strong that I don’t even think I could stop me,” Sagara’s words echoed.

That doesn’t mean we can’t. We’ll try everything we’ve got.

No matter how much I don’t want to.

#gintama #gintama fanfiction #writers on tumblr #ao3 writer #our samurai souls #gintama oc

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