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thefingerfuckingfemalefury · 7 years

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Samantha and her girlfriend watch Gotham season three! :D

And this time around!

Penguin enters the world of politics!

Leslie Thompkins continues to have the worst taste in men EVER

And all my warnings about the dangers of hypnotists prove to be correct!

Me: This episode is genuinely called “Look into my eyes”

My Girlfriend: Not around the eyes don’t look around the eyes look into my eyes

So one recap later, the episode opens with…people clucking like chickens and barking

My Girlfriend: Oh thank goodness, for a moment I was worried that this episode was going to be ridiculous

Me: it’s good to know that it’ll contain the kind of well written serious drama we’ve come to expect from the show

The person responsible is a magician who hasn’t been named yet but we might as well tell you now that it’s Jervis Tetch aka The Mad Hatter, who is here both sane and also hatless but calling him the Sane Bare Headed Chap would be ridiculous

He tells those he’s hypnotised that when he counts to three they will “Forget their animal identity”

Me: “When I snap my fingers, all trace or your fursona will be forgotten”

Barbara and Tabitha are watching said magic show and Tabitha is making a “._.” face at this display

My Girlfriend: Tabitha looks like she finds their fursonas problematic

Me: A woman who calls herself the Tigress has no right to judge

My Girlfriend: WAIT

Is this why Leslie came back to Gotham

Did she hear a magician was in town?

I remember she likes magic acts

Me: SADLY HER ARC WILL BE NOTHING SO WHOLESOME

The hypnotism act over the crowd cheers and applauds

My Girlfriend: People in Gotham are very easily amazed…

Me: Most of the people in this room just clubbed two people to death last week

They need some Innocent Whimsy to try and suppress the night terrors

“A magician?

REALLY?”

“A hypnotist!”

My Girlfriend: Barbara won’t have you insulting the noble profession of Creepy Hypnotists, Tabitha

Me: Her irrational hatred of magicians and the childlike wonder they bring makes me sad

Who hurt you Tabitha

Jervis declares that for his next act they are going to venture into something more “Arcane”

My Girlfriend: My alarm bells are ringing now…

Me: You’d really think EVERYONE in Gotham would get nervous when people talk like that by this point…

Jervis declares that he needs a volunteer from the audience and as he creeps through the crowd his eyes settle on a fancy necklace a woman is wearing…

Me: I hope to god he’s just staring at the necklace

My Girlfriend: The person she’s with seems awfully okay with this hobo looking stage performer staring straight down at his wifes chest

Me: “It’s fine take your time, just leer weirdly at my partner”

Jervis invites the man the woman is with up on stage, asking him if the woman he’s with is his mistress first of all

Me: “I know we’ve just met but can I ask, are you fucking other women behind your wife’s back”

My Girlfriend: This is why Jervis doesn’t have friends

The act begins with Jervis telling him to listen to a stopwatch “The way it’s ticking…”

My Girlfriend: The way it’s telling you your late

Me: For a very important date

My Girlfriend: No time to say hello, goodbye

“Look into my eyes…”

Me: “I am the Master

And you will obey me”

My Girlfriend: How dare you insult the Master like that

Jervis tells the man he is “Completely relaxed” and “Becoming weightless”

Me: If he was staring at me like that I would feel the exact opposite of relaxed

My Girlfriend: “I have never felt less relaxed in my life”

“Are you ready to do something impossible?”

“Yes”

Me: “Okay

Write an episode for this show that treats queer women with respect”

My Girlfriend: WELL NOW YOUR JUST ASKING FOR THE DAMN MOON

But no in fact the Mad Hatter tells the man to stand upon a chair

My Girlfriend: Dream the impossible dream there Jervis

Me: “BEHOLD

A man STANDING

On something we usually SIT on!”

My Girlfriend: LIKE AN ABSOLUTE MADMAN

But in fact no, Jervis instructs the man to stand on the BACK of the chair…his wife freaks out pointing out that sounds VERY DANGEROUS and possibly fatal but Jervis assures her it’s fine

Me: “Oh well if you say it’s fine”

My Girlfriend: “Who am I to argue with the Manson looking fucker who just hypnotised my husband with a magic stopwatch”

Miraculously the man DOES stand on the back of the chair WITHOUT it tipping over and Jervis declares that in a hypnotised state “Unburdened by fear” that people can accomplish anything

My Girlfriend: You heard it here first folks

It’s only your FEAR that stops you defying physics and gravity

Me: As long as your not afraid you can do absolutely anything at all!

Jervis decides to demonstrate this further by having the man stand on the chair on one leg and Barbara excitedly notes that he could get her to do “ANYTHING YOU WANTED”

My Girlfriend: SHE IS ALARMINGLY EXCITED BY THAT POSSIBILITY

Me: She’s going to ask him to hypnotise Jim Gordon into loving her isn’t she I know it, you know it…

My Girlfriend: First the giant baby carriage now non-con hypnotism fantasies

Barbara, must we shame your kinks with every episode your in

Me: YOUR PROBLEMATIC BARBARA

“Did you have something in mind Miss Kean?”

Me: “That depends…we have Hypnotist/Client confidentiality right?”

My Girlfriend: “That’s not a thing, so no”

Jervis gets the man to hop down and wakes him from the spell but not before whispering to him the following

“”Lock sense away

Awaken the rascal

When I say it is so, your home is my castle”

My Girlfriend: I thought Jervis based his crimes around Alice in Wonderland, not Dr Seuss

Me: In the Gotham-verse he’s not the Mad Hatter he’s the Mad Cat In the Hatter

My Girlfriend: “I’m rambling nonsense

And breathing in your ear

The audience is near us

Yet somehow can’t hear”

Me: OH NO IT’S CONTAGIOUS

With the dude awakened and declaring that he feels fine, Jervis takes a bow to much applause and hops off the stage as we note…

Me: Wait hold on

So he HAS a top hat but he’s just not gonna wear it

My Girlfriend: I feel like the show is actively trolling its audience here

Me: Like, they are showing us the Mad Hatter, holding a hat…but NOT having him actually put it on

It’s like introducing Kirk Langstrom and having him go “I sometimes turn myself into a bat…but not right now” and then NEVER HAVING HIM BECOME MAN BAT

Barbara congratulates Jervis on the show and notes that he has “Quite a gift”

Me: HE HAS ALL THE POWERS OF A LAS VEGAS LOUNGE ACT

My Girlfriend: But with that power must come RESPONSIBILITY

But Barbara also notes that he “Never did answer my question…can you make someone do anything you want?”

My Girlfriend: “I didn’t answer it because I’m terrified why your asking me it”

Tetch however says that he can only make people do what they “Secretly wish to do”

Me: Apparently that guy secretly wished to balance on the back of a chair

“You’d be surprised by what people secretly wish to do”

My Girlfriend: “You’d be amazed how many people want to bark like dogs in public”

Me: “I’ve learned terrible things

Things that would chill your blood”

Tigress says that she imagines that Tetch must be a “Very popular man”

My Girlfriend: Nothing is a more surefire way to popularity than cheap parlour tricks!

Me: He’s one of those super popular lounge act hypnotists who no one can resist

Tetch however admits that doing shows like this is just his way of making ends meet…

Me: Even Creepy Hypnotists have been hit by the current economic recession

My Girlfriend: Life in Trump’s America

Tetch also reveals that he’s new to Gotham but when asked if he has anywhere to stay he assures them that “Something always seems to turn up” while Looking Meaningfully at the guy he hypnotised

Me: “I wonder what he meant by that”

My Girlfriend: “The way he said that while staring creepily at that man he hypnotised

It’s almost like he had something sinister planned”

Me: “But I’m sure I’m just being paranoid”

My Girlfriend: Also why was Tigress asking if he has a place to stay, what was she going to offer him room and board?

Me: Her and Barbara run a bed and breakfast for supervillains

So one title card later, we’re over at Stately Wayne Manour where…Evil Bruce is munching on some food while Bruce and Alfred watch

Me: “Awwwwwww

LET’S KEEP HIM”

My Girlfriend: Someone needs to tell these two that they can’t just OWN a person…he’s not a stray cat that came around…

Me: Look he’s got dark hair and he’s an orphan okay, Bruce has to adopt him

“This is weird for me too”

My Girlfriend: “Especially with you both staring at me like that”

Me: At least someone on Gotham acknowledges how surreal this show is

Not As Evil Bruce asks Evil Bruce what his name is and he reveals that his name is “Five”

My Girlfriend: First we learn Hugo Strange works for Umbrella

Now it turns out he’s probably responsible for the plot of Stranger Things as well

Me: The Upside Down looks pretty damn normal compared to Gotham City

Bruce has questions about what the clone remembers but he has no recollection of anything before Indian Hill, which Alfred thinks is “Convenient”

Me: It’s the exact OPPOSITE of convenient

My Girlfriend: IT’S NOT CONVENIENT FOR ANYONE ALFRED

Alfred talks about how Evil Bruce must have had a home, friends and parents but Evil Bruce insists he can’t remember them

Me: What part of “Amnesia” isn’t he getting?

My Girlfriend: He’s not claiming his past doesn’t exist Alfred HE’S SAYING HE CAN’T REMEMBER IT

Evil Bruce talks about how he spent all his time locked up in Indian Hill, reading books…

Me: Kept away from all the idiocy of Gotham and getting to read books all day?

Doesn’t sound SO bad

And talks about how the scientists there ran tests “Many tests”

My Girlfriend: “I aced my algebra and english literature exams but did so-so on geography”

Evil Bruce apologises for the whole breaking and entering thing but explains that when he saw Bruce he had to meet him

My Girlfriend: So in the MONTHS that he was on the streets since the Arkham breakout no one saw him on the street and thought “Hey that looks exactly like Bruce Wayne”

Me: People in Gotham are used to seeing Bruce Wayne lurking in filthy alleys

They probably just thought he was pretending to be homeless again

Bruce is more curious about where his doppleganger saw him and he reveals he was lurking on the rooftop when Bruce and Selina met up

“She gave me money…I followed her…”

My Girlfriend: “Sounds almost creepy now that I come to say it outloud”

Bruce however is apparently fine with his clone being a stalker and tells him he’s welcome to stay at Wayne Manor

Me: “Now hold on a bloody minute Master Bruce”

My Girlfriend: Alfred would like to be consulted about these decisions

Bruce goes to make up a guest room for his clone, despite Alfred saying that they should turn him over to “Someone with more expertise”

Me: Like who, Cosima Niehaus?

Where in Gotham do you think your going to find a Clone Specialist, Alfred

My Girlfriend: Would it really shock you if it turned out “Clone Specialist” was a job in Gotham

Me: Honestly now I come to think of it, not really

In another room Alfred begins to loudly hiss at Bruce that they need to “Get rid of that thing”

Me: “I can still hear you, guys”

My Girlfriend: “You just went into another room

Your still within earshot

AND I HAVE FEELINGS”

Bruce angrily tells Alfred that they have to help him but Alfred asks him if he’s “Had a butchers at that”

Me: “If I had a clue what that meant I might be able to answer you”

My Girlfriend: Not everyone speaks indecipherable mockney slang Alfred

Alfred declares that “Hugo Strange made another you!” and also declares that it “Probably has something to do with that secret society”

Me: I imagine that sometimes

Alfred wonders what NORMAL people have conversations about

My Girlfriend: Just once he’d like to have a discussion with his adopted son that doesn’t revolve secret owl cults or obscene science experiments

Me: Dare to dream Alfred

Bruce convinces Alfred to let Evil Bruce stay but Alfred insists that they call Lucius Fox about “It…I mean him…”

Me: HE WORKS WITH COMPUTERS ALFRED

My Girlfriend: What EXACTLY does he think Lucius Fox is going to know about this?

Did I miss the episode where we found out that he’s an expert in the science of human cloning?

Me: HE’S NOT A GENETICIST

Not all science is the same fricking thing

My Girlfriend: I don’t like the way Alfred keeps calling him it, either

Me: He’s a Clone Racist

And we cut from Bruce’s clone om nom nom-ing away on the food Alfred’s brought him to…James Gordon, laying in bed looking Sad and Grumpy while Valerie gets dressed

Me: “It happens to all guys Jim

It’s totally common

It’s not a big deal”

My Girlfriend: Jim Gordon has performance issues in more ways than one it would seem

Me: He can’t perform under pressure, much like his actor just can’t perform

Jim asks Valerie if she’d like some breakfast but she has to get ready for a thing at City Hall and has to go home and shower

Me: You can shower as long as you want, you’ll never feel clean again

My Girlfriend: “I have to go wash off the intense feelings of shame and self-loathing I feel for having slept with you”

Jim points out that he has a shower to which Valerie replies he “Has a dark hole in the wall with no water pressure and one damp towel”

Me: I can sure see why she decided to hook up with a prize like this

My Girlfriend: At least Jim knows she’s not after him for his money

What with how he has none, and all

Me: Plus she dreads to think what she might have caught from Gordon’s bedsheets alone…she’s not risking getting naked in any other part of this pig sty

Jim says that when he picks up his bounty from the GCPD that he could use some of it to freshen the place up

My Girlfriend: WAT

The GCPD are PAYING HIM for getting two people killed

Me: “Well done Gordon

You helped a mob boss escape

And got two people beaten to death by a vicious mob

HAVE SOME MONEY”

My Girlfriend: IS EVERYONE IN THIS CITY ON CRACK

Valerie however expresses zero interest in Gordon’s nonsense and as he looks Very Confused she gives him a kiss, tells him “that was fun” and then just walks off

Me: What part of this isn’t he getting

IT WAS JUST A BOOTY CALL JIM

She doesn’t want to date you

She just wanted a quick fuck

My Girlfriend: “I was horny and there was no one else around, it was a choice between you or the scary hobo outside my apartment

I flipped a coin”

Me: She can’t help but feel that she should have picked the scary hobo

So while Jim cries into his coffee about how Valerie doesn’t want to settle down with a white picket fence and a dog named rover, we cut over to the GCPD where Barnes is talking to…SOMEONE and saying how much the GCPD has missed them

My Girlfriend: Wait

Does the show want us to believe he’s talking to Gordon?

Me: I GENUINELY think that it thinks we’ll believe he’s talking to Gordon

Barnes talks about Mystery Persons “Professionalism” and their “Exemplary talent”

My Girlfriend: THERE’S NO WAY HE’S TALKING TO GORDON

Me: The shows big mistake with this artful deception it’s tried to pull: NO ONE would EVER describe Jim Gordon as “Professional” or “Exemplary”

Barnes concludes that Mystery Person is in the right place to “Make a difference”…and we see that it’s Leslie Thompkins!

Me: MY GOD IT’S NOT JIM GORDON

My Girlfriend: I AM SHOOK

Me: You had us going there Gotham

Barnes tells Leslie that she doesn’t have to worry about Jim Gordon, assuring her that she won’t see him as “He no longer works here…NO GCPD AFFILIATION WHATSOEVER”

Me: And we cut to….

Yes, of course, Jim Gordon walks in at that very moment

Me: WAH WAH WAH WAAAAHHHHHHH

My Girlfriend: Gotham is filmed before a live studio audience

Me: Oh the irony!

Who could have imagined

That Gordon would walk in at THAT EXACT MOMENT

My Girlfriend: We’re headed for some Zany Wackyness I’m sure

Harvey spots Jim and quickly tries to steer him out of the GCPD telling him to “Go get a cup of coffee” with him

Me: “Harvey Bullock, wanting to drink something that’s not alcoholic?

SOMETHING’S GOING ON HERE”

My Girlfriend: Gordon’s suspicions have been instantly raised…the only time Harvey drinks coffee is after a solid few days of black out drinking

Gordon insists that he needs to go pick up his check for “Catching the last of Strange’s creeps”

Me: Wait, has he still not been paid for catching Man Bat?

My Girlfriend: Look the economy is in a bad way okay Samantha

Gordon is going to have to make do with an IOU

But Leslie calls out to Jim as he’s being ushered out the door and an Awkward Moment ensues

My Girlfriend: “Barnes was just telling me how I wouldn’t see you around here and here you are!”

Me: “It’s almost like our lives were being scripted by a writer with a very fumbling grasp of dramatic irony”

Leslie asks what Jim’s doing there and Jim responds by telling her she looks well

Me: “That doesn’t answer my question but fine”

My Girlfriend: Why can no one in this show just have a conversation?

Me: Seriously, it’s always either yelling, monologues or Vague and Hard to follow nonsense

Jim asks if she’s just visiting but Leslie reveals that she’s moving back to Gotham with her fiancé

Me: Because what better place to start a family with the man you love than the city where you were kidnapped by gimps and nearly shotgunned in half in a church by a homicidal biphobic stereotype

My Girlfriend: But she has so many happy memories of the city!

Like the time the man she loved spent a year lying to her, to her face, about the terrible things he did

Me: Or the time that she was nearly killed by an escapee from an asylum for the criminally insane

Leslie also reveals that her fiancé is a doctor whose got a job at Gotham general in the head trauma ward

Me: The way everyone acts on this show, I have to imagine there’s a LOT of that going around

My Girlfriend: Her fiancé has Jim Gordon and Alfred Pennyworth to thank for creating that demand

Me: They’re going to be keeping him so busy

Leslie explains that she’s been offered her old job and Gordon tells her that if she takes it she’ll see him around

My Girlfriend: “That’s the exact opposite of what Barnes told me, nice to know people are still constantly lying to me”

Jim also tells Leslie that it’s good to see her…and she quickly excuses herself

Me: She could say it’s nice to see him, but unlike everyone else in Gotham, she knows lying is wrong

My Girlfriend: “It was not as horrible to see you as I dreaded but was still pretty awful”

Me: Doesn’t sound much better…

Harvey tries to comfort Jim after Leslie leaves but Jim is just like “Where’s my money, Harvey?!”

Me: “WHERE’S MY MONEY, HONEY?!”

My Girlfriend: “I don’t want to talk about FEELINGS Harvey

I’m a man

I’m going to go drink away the pain with the money I get for being violent”

Me: Stuff it down with some brown, Jim

We cut to where the guy Jervis hypnotised is sleeping…when suddenly the phone rings!

Me: Who keeps the phone right beside the bed like that

My Girlfriend: You never know when someone might dramatically call you up in the middle of the night to further the plot

Me: THAT MAKES SENSE

The caller is Jervis of course, who recites the same weird poem he whispered to this guy earlier

My Girlfriend: Telemarketers are trying some surreal new tactics

Me: Now that Jervis has your attention, he’d like to know if your happy with your broadband provider

So it turns out that Jervis now controls the guy and tells him to go to his front door, which he does so and also unlocks it

Me: Apparently what this guy wishes to do deep down is be the victim of a home invasion

My Girlfriend: WHO KNEW

Me: Also Jervis never told him to UNLOCK the door…shouldn’t he have just stood there in front of it, if he’s really just a mind controlled puppet?

But the door swings open to reveal…

Me: OKAY THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS PRETTY COOL

My Girlfriend: That is a far better adaptation of a villain costume than most of the ones we’ve seen so far

Yes, Jervis is there, in full Mad Hatter outfit, OMINOUSLY HOLDING HIS STOPWATCH

Me: A hypontising stopwatch isn’t as cool as mind control hats though

My Girlfriend: And it’s not like the show can make the argument that it’s trying to be realistic anymore

Me: A guy turned into a bat last week, nothing here is realistic

Hypnotised dudes wife wakes up to find him gone and so of course, starts exploring the dark house in the middle of the night

Me: “Welp, guess I’m in the plot of a horror movie now”

My Girlfriend: “Time to act accordingly”

And sure enough, Jervis is Creepily Lurking at the end of a hallway mostly in shadow

Me: “OH MY GOD IT’S THE BABADOOK”

My Girlfriend: NO

NONE OF UR MEMES

“Who are you?”

“Who am I?”

Me: Yes, that’s what she asked

My Girlfriend: That wasn’t a helpful response, Jervis

“I haunt your dreams like a ghost

Because I know what scares you most”

My Girlfriend: “I talk in rhyme but not all of the time”

“Run, run as fast as you can

For there’s no escape from the Magic Man”

Me: That is a HORRIBLE supervillain name

My Girlfriend: “The Magic Man”?

It sounds like he either performs at children’s birthday parties or he’s a stripper

Me: BUT HOPEFULLY NOT BOTH

My Girlfriend: That would be a wildly unpopular career choice

So the woman flees because really who wouldn’t run if some weirdo broke into your home to recite bad poetry at you, but she bumps into her husband who promptly kills her with a poker

My Girlfriend: Well THAT escalated quickly…

Me: Well done Gotham, we’re ten minutes in and you’ve already had a black woman be brutally killed for no reason

My Girlfriend: Bravo

Jervis tells Hypnotised Dude to bury his wife in the garden and then also kill himself

My Girlfriend: So wait, does he think he can just move into this guys house?

Me: The neighbours ARE going to start to notice something odd going on Jervis

My Girlfriend: Sooner or later they’re going to realise that they never see the people who live there anymore and there’s a creepy weirdo in a top hat lurking around it

Me: “I’m their nephew from out of town whose really into Steampunk, nothing to worry yourselves over”

So while Hypnotised Dude goes off to kill himself….

My Girlfriend: Wait, I thought he said that he could only hypnotise people to do what they already WANTED to do…

Me: Everyone in Gotham wants to die, deep down

My Girlfriend: The city or the show?

Me: BOTH

Jervis lounges on a chair, takes out a picture of a girl and starts stroking it while referring to her as “Alice” and “My sweet sister…”

My Girlfriend: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Me: Yeah, I don’t know about anyone else but I’ve never acted like THAT while looking at any photographs of my sister

My Girlfriend: I’m getting horrible flashbacks to Ultimates 3 right now…

Me: “Don’t you get it Mr Rogers?

They LOVE each other…”

My Girlfriend: NO NO NO NONE OF THAT

Jervis mutters that he’s “Travelled so far” to find her while stroking the picture WAY TOO AFFECTIONATELY

“So come out

Come out

Wherever you are”

My Girlfriend: UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Me: Maybe she would if she didn’t know you’re the kind of freak who sits in a dark room stroking her photograph like that

My Girlfriend: “I’m going to be your present this year…”

So after that charming scene we cut to none other than Alice herself, whose living in a grubby looking apartment while someone with an Offensively Bad Accent bangs on the door and calls her name

My Girlfriend: (Bad French accent) “IT IS I, YOUR COMEDY ETHNEEC STEREOTYPE LANDLORD!

HON HON HON!”

Me: Wait, is that a french accent he’s doing?

My Girlfriend: NO ONE has the accent he’s doing

The Offensive French Landlord just bursts into Alice’s apartment demanding his money and how he won’t take any excuses

My Girlfriend: (Bad French Accent) “I NEED EET TO BUY ZE EXPENSIVE WAINES AND ZE FOUL SMELLING CHEESES ZAT I LURVE”

Me: (An even worse French accent) “HON HON HON!

MADEMOISELLE LOUVRE BAGUETTE!”

Alice promises that while she doesn’t have the money she will but Offensive French Landlord is having none of it and says he “Should have known” that she’s a “Liar and a cheat”

Me: He “Should have known”?

Why?

HOW?

My Girlfriend: (The Worst French Accent) “ZEES EES WHAT AI GEET FOR RENTING TO YOU AMERICAHNS!

INSTEAD OF MY FELLOW ETHNIC COMEDY STEREOTYPES!”

Me: From this day forward, he’s only letting in side characters from Michael Bay movies!

Alice tries to explain that she lost her job but the landlord just tells her to “Get another”

Me: Not only is he a Vaguely Racist Stereotype he’s also a REPUBLICAN

My Girlfriend: Hard to say which is worse

However Offensive French Landlord starts Creeping on Alice saying that perhaps “Zey can work sometheeng out”

My Girlfriend: Keep doing your part for the reputation of the French people there dude

Me: “The Lusty Perverted Frenchman action figure comes with all the accessories you see here, including filthy stained vest, unwashed shirt and ten week old jeans!

Comes with two swap-able heads with two distinct expressions!

Angrily demanding money AND Sex Offender Grin”

My Girlfriend: What are you doing

Me: I’m just imagining what the commercials for a Gotham line of action figures would be like

Offensive French Landlord gets increasingly creepy and handsy and the scene just gets worse…

Me: You know this is basically what Pepe LePew used to do

My Girlfriend: Yes but with him it was Okay because he was a cartoon skunk so that made the sexual harassment Cute and Charming instead of a serious crime

Alice tells him to fuck off basically and he slaps her and tries to make her kiss him, getting some of her blood on him in the process…which then makes him FREAK THE HECK OUT and he starts having some kind of fit

Me: RIP Creepy Offensive French Landlord

My Girlfriend: He died as he lived…in an apartment

Me: But now that he’s dead whose going to look after he’s Offensive French Wife and their two Offensive French Kids?

My Girlfriend: They’ll have to sell their Wine Vineyard AND their collection of Napoleon Bonaparte themed fine china just to afford to keep their Snobby Elitist Restaurant going!

Me: Hopefully a Comically Strict German Who Is Obsessed with Efficiency or perhaps a Cold Dead Eyed Sinister Russian stereotype will come along to provide for them

We cut to what will hopefully be a more Wholesome Scene as we find Gotham’s mayor(?) giving a speech about how since Galavan’s death Gotham has been “Governed by these elected officials you see behind me”

Me: That’s…not how it works

My Girlfriend: That’s not at all how it works

Me: Also, if he’s not the mayor anymore WHY IS HE GIVING PRESS CONFERENCES

Why was he speaking at the GCPD about the Indian Hill escapees a couple episodes ago

My Girlfriend: His role model is Pamela Winchell

However Gotham’s Mayor (?) continues that as Gotham needs “Seasoned leadership”

My Girlfriend: “Well seasoned leadership, with a honey mustard glaze”

That he will be resuming his duties as mayor

Me: THAT’S EVEN LESS HOW IT WORKS

My Girlfriend: When a mayor gets elected and then dies you can’t just go “Okay fine we’ll just have the old mayor back”

Me: “Having an ELECTION sounds like a whole lot of work

Let’s just give the job back to the guy who had it before the last guy”

My Girlfriend: Though didn’t he turn up alive after Galavan got elected last season?

How did THAT work…he never left office or lost an election, he was kidnapped by a kinky villain in black leather

Me: Don’t try and think about how Gotham works you will break your brain

But at this point the proceedings are interrupted by…Oswald Cobblepott!

Me: “OH JESUS NO NOT THIS GUY AGAIN”

My Girlfriend: Does he just…follow reporters around, waiting to barge into any press conference he can

Me: Everyone needs a hobby I guess

Oswald declares that the entire proceedings are a “Sham” but the mayor calls him a criminal

Me: YES

YES HE IS VERY MUCH SO

My Girlfriend: Why exactly has the GCPD done NOTHING to arrest him?

He was caught on camera, ordering the deaths of half a dozen people

Oswald retorts by claiming that he was “Jailed illegally by a corrupt system”

Me: Um…you’re a mass murderer and a member of the organised crime underworld

My Girlfriend: In what world DOESN’T this man belong in prison?

Me: Also: He organised a fucking LYNCH MOB last week and CAUSED THE DEATHS OF TWO PEOPLE

My Girlfriend: And invaded top secret property owned by the federal government

Me: AND assaulted a bunch of police officers

My Girlfriend: WHY IS HE STILL FREE TO ROAM THE STREETS

Me: Like, does Gotham just have…NO LAWS against any of this?

If you did even ONE of the things Penguin did last episode, you’d be a wanted criminal

Oswald rants that the mayor has brought “Shame” and dishonour to his profession and says that it’s not right for him to just step back into the role of mayor as the people of Gotham deserve to get to decide who leads them

Me: ….

Okay but now I’m worried because actually he’s right

My Girlfriend: Oswald Cobblepott is making sense, this is a sign of the End Times

Me: Like, when the Penguin is the one in the right that is a Worrying Situation

Penguin rants about how he was the one who “Drove out” the monsters that plagued the city

My Girlfriend: Maybe don’t brag about how your responsible for multiple murders Oswald

Me: But it’s okay because they were the victims of genetic experiments

That makes it totally fine to kill them

My Girlfriend: ….

I’m pretty sure that the courts would have something to say about that

Valerie Vale asks if the Penguin is formally challenging Mayor (?) James and Oswald declares that she is as she tells her cameraman to get a close up

Me: “Remember that thing that happened in Batman Returns?

We’re doing that now”

My Girlfriend: HE’S GONNA PLAY THIS STINKING CITY LIKE A HARP FROM HELL

And yep sure enough, Penguin declares that as the mayor should be legally elected, HE is formally running for mayor of Gotham

Me: Well it makes more sense than when Danny Devito did it

My Girlfriend: Only that in this show the Penguin isn’t LITERALLY A SEWER MONSTER

Me: Gotham City

The city that wants a Penguin Man for Public Office

My Girlfriend: They should put that on their tourist brochures

And yep the entire crowd cheers and chants the Penguin’s name as he insists an emergency election be called

Me: OKAY REALLY NOW

My Girlfriend: “WOOOOOO!

LET’S ALL GO VOTE FOR THE MOB BOSS WHO JUST GOT OUT OF THE ASYLUM”

Me: The sad part is, after the 2016 presidential elections, this is no longer impossible to believe

We cut over to Stately Wayne Manor where Billionaire Oprhan Bruce Wayne and Alfred are boxing because….

My Girlfriend: Wait, I thought Bruce had given up on his whole weird crusade

Me: That doesn’t mean he’s given up on being Needlessly Violent though

You don’t need to have a REASON to be violent and angry

Just look at Alfred

Evil Bruce wanders in to watch them and Bruce suggests that he have a go

Me: “C’mon, if your really going to be a copy of me you need to learn how to hurt people”

Alfred is a BIT less excited about this plan asking if Bruce really thinks it’s a good idea

My Girlfriend: “Alfred, I legally own you”

Me: “So be quiet and let my creepy evil clone we found last night beat you up”

Alfred gets the kid in some boxing gloves….

My Girlfriend: Please don’t tell me he’s going to beat another child

But actually when Alfred takes a Mock Swing at Evil Bruce, he responds by expertly dodging and SMACKING ALFRED RIGHT IN THE FACE

My Girlfriend: WELL THAT WAS UNEXPECTED

Me: This is karma for the child slapping, Alfred

My Girlfriend: THIS IS PAYBACK

And yep, Evil Bruce pretty easily smacks Alfred silly while Bruce just stands and watches

Me: I love how Bruce is fine with his butler/father getting a concussion right in front of him

My Girlfriend: Bruce has heard that boxing can cause brain damage

So he knows that no one on this show has anything to worry about

Alfred asks who taught Evil Bruce his moves and he says that if anyone did he doesn’t remember who…

Me: Again Alfred

AMNESIA

SIA

My Girlfriend: Does he get what the words “I have no memory of my past” mean or is it just white noise to him

Alfred and Evil Bruce spar some more and of course, Alfred punches the Small Child right in the face and breaks his nose

Me: I had dared to hope

That maybe

This season

We WOULDN’T see Alfred Pennyworth hit a child

My Girlfriend: THEN YOU WERE A FOOL

However Evil Bruce says that he can’t actually feel any pain and seems confused as to why Alfred and Bruce are worried as Alfred makes A Face

Me: “Well if he can’t FEEL it that makes beating THIS child okay, right?”

My Girlfriend: THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS ALFRED

But Alfred declares that that’s enough for today and gets Evil Bruce some tissue for the whole broken nose thing

Me: When even Alfred is creeped out by something…

My Girlfriend: This man took a twelve year old to a knife fight, it takes a lot for him to get freaked out

Bruce however has spotted a very odd looking scar on the back of Evil Bruce’s neck…Alfred asks him how he got it and Bruce asks what they did to him as Evil Bruce makes A Face at both of them

Me: “DO EITHER OF YOU ASSHOLES LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY TO YOU?

HAVE

AMNESIA”

My Girlfriend: “We know you’ve repeatedly told us that you don’t remember your past but we would like to ask you a bunch of questions about your past”

We cut from this Trainwreck of a Scene to the home of Jim Gordon where a knock on the door heralds the arrival of…Jervis Tetch!

“Tea?”

Me: HAAAAAAAAAA

Because

It’s like

The thing

That the Mad Hatter drinks

In the book

My Girlfriend: yes kitten I get it

Me: IT’S A REFERENCE

My Girlfriend: And such a subtle one too

Jim wants to know how the Mad Hatter knew how to find him…

My Girlfriend: “Seriously, how do all of these people know where I live?”

Me: “What, is my home address listed on fuckin google or something”

Jervis explains it by saying that Jim is famous for his bounty hunting and his name “Is in all the papers”

Me: As well as his home address and what hours of the day he’s in apparently

My Girlfriend: Where he goes to work, where he goes to drink, his phone number, the car he drives…

Me: All that Normal Stuff that Real Newspapers totally print about everyone they do a story on

Jervis says that he wants Jim to help him find his sister

“We’re very close…”

Me: A LITTLE TOO CLOSE, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY

“We lost our parents at an early age…”

My Girlfriend: “In retrospect, someone really should have looked a little bit closer into that”

Jervis says that he became Alice’s guardian….

Me: This is not getting Any Less Creepy

My Girlfriend: My skin is genuinely crawling every time this man is on screen

But, Tetch continues, that Alice’s “Condition” became too much for him to help and so he sought help….

“The worst kind

THE FIEND

Professor Strange”

Me: I genuinely love how sometimes people in this show will speak in a way that NO HUMAN BEING DOES

My Girlfriend: When was the last time you heard anyone call anyone “A fiend”

Me: I use the word fiend all the time

My Girlfriend: Yes but that’s because your…you…

Jim wants to know about this “Condition” and Jervis tells him that she had some kind of poison in her blood

My Girlfriend: I’m pretty sure that people with blood poisoning can’t kill people by bleeding on them

Me: You need to stop trying to apply the logic of the real world to this show

Jervis explains that Alice was apparently put under “Constant supervision” by Hugo Strange and that he wasn’t allowed to see her at all

Me: “The only person who should be constantly watching my sister is me!”

My Girlfriend: STOP MAKING IT CREEPIER THAN IT ALREADY IS

Jim asks if Jervis went to the police but he says that this was useless because “This is Gotham after all”

My Girlfriend: it’s hard to say if he means the city or the show here

Me: “You should know by now Jim that taking a logical course of action never furthers the plot in this series”

Jervis explains that as the years went by he gave up hope of seeing Alice again but then heard about the breakout

Me: “You remember…that thing that was set up to be a HUGE DEAL at the end of last season but then got done away with after two goddamn episodes”

My Girlfriend: Clearly it’s much more important for the show to concentrate on important things

Like Jim awkwardly trying to reconcile with his ex or the Penguin’s political ambitions

Me: That’s the kind of gripping action we need in a superhero show

Jervis talks about how his sister is out there somewhere “Alone and afraid”

Jim’s response?

“Indian Hill escapees get five grand from the GCPD…you able to top that?”

My Girlfriend: W O W

Me: “Thank you for sharing your fear and concern for your sister whose spent her whole life being experimented on and illegally imprisoned by a depraved mad scientist

I WILL HUNT HER LIKE AN ANIMAL UNLESS YOU PAY ME”

My Girlfriend: Does Jim have a bet with himself that he can be a worse person each new day than he was the last?

Jervis offers to double the money Jim would get and so Jim takes the case

Me: “Well okay if I’m being paid then I guess I won’t hunt down a terrified girl and hand her over to a bunch of thugs”

My Girlfriend: Wait, how the fuck does a Travelling Hypnotist have TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS

Me: I don’t think I’ve had ten thousand dollars in my whole life…

To spend on ANYTHING

Jervis gives Jim his card and departs but not before telling Jim that given all the “Pain and tragedy” he’s seen in his life he hopes it hasn’t left him “too alone”

My Girlfriend: “This is where I live

And I’m getting drunk before it’s even noon

Yeah my life is great Tech, thanks for asking”

My Girlfriend: “I’m living the dream”

We cut to Oswald’s Creepy Old Mansion where….

My Girlfriend: WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP

He’s still living there?

Has…has NO ONE asked what happened to the THREE PEOPLE HE MURDERED who this house actually belonged to?

Me: As far as I can tell the Penguin seems to exist outside both the laws of the land and also the laws of narrative and can just do whatever the hell he wants…

Butch is telling Oswald that he thinks him running for mayor is a “Big step”

My Girlfriend: “And you’re a convicted mass murderer, so also it’s an impossible one”

Before reacting with shock because, and I swear I’m not joking, sometime in the FIVE MINUTES since Penguin announced he was running for mayor he’s converted a huge section of his manor into a fuckin campaign headquarters, with at least half adozen staff, posters, a banner, phones and everything you’d expect

Me: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN

My Girlfriend: NO REALLY WHEN THE HELL DID THESE PEOPLE GET HERE

WHEN DID THEY DO ALL THIS

WHERE DID OSWALD FIND THEM

Me: Butch has been living with him at that Weird Old Murder House and yet he’s shocked…that means ALL OF THIS has been done while they were out at the press conference

ALL OF THIS HAPPENED IN LESS THAN HALF A DAY

My Girlfriend: Explain to me

HOW

This makes any sense

How is this possible

HOW

“Gotham is rife with crime Butch…who better than a criminal to clean it up?”

Me: “I’m going to Make Gotham Great Again, Butch”

My Girlfriend: Penguin is going to drain the swamp

Me: He can’t drain the swamp, Killer Croc and Solomon Grundy live there, where will they go

“You know I’ve faced the worst that Gotham has to offer but politicians? They scare me”

Me: (Bad Danny Devito impression) You’ve gotta be a real piece of shit to go into politics

My Girlfriend: “THE PENGUIN RUNS FOR OFFICE”

Me: (Loudly hums the It’s Always Sunny Music)

Penguin talks about how the people are “Scared” and that makes them “Angry”

Me: Ah yes…Scangry…

My Girlfriend: NO SAMANTHA

He continues that the people have no faith in Mayor (?) James who he derides as being a “Hack”

My Girlfriend: I’m not sure that insult applies to a man running for mayor but sure fine

And declares that this is his chance to create a legacy that his father would be proud of

Me: Since when has making his father proud factored into ANYTHING he does?

My Girlfriend: If you wanted to make your father proud Oswald you probably shouldn’t have murdered his kids, fed them to his wife and then stuck her head on a fuckin coffee table

A woman comes up with Penguin’s election poster and, I am not even joking, his slogan is genuinely “Make Gotham Safe Again”

My Girlfriend: W H A T

Me: Well, Donald Trump stole his slogan from a supervillain from a video game, it’s only fair that a supervillain from a TV show steal it back

My Girlfriend: ….

He’s going to win isn’t he

Me: The answer will depress you

“What do you think?”

“……

(Sighs)

You got my vote”

My Girlfriend: The brilliant decision making skills of the American voter

Me: “You chopped my hand off, brainwashed me, tried to murder me, threatened to murder the woman I love on MULTIPLE occasions…

But Mayor James used an unsecured server for his e-mails so I just can’t trust him”

My Girlfriend: Mayor James may be the lesser of two evils but Butch thinks that voting for Any of the Evils is Just As Bad

So he’d better vote for the worst of the two evils

Me: SOUND LOGIC THERE

Penguin is told that Mayor James also wants to meet with him alone…

Me: Well THAT sounds like a terrifying idea

My Girlfriend: Why would ANYONE meet with this man alone ANYWHERE

On that horrifying note, we cut to Wayne Manor where Bruce and Evil Bruce are hanging out, with Evil Bruce Creepily Staring at Photographs before asking Bruce what he’s doing…

My Girlfriend: He didn’t think to ask that earlier?

How long has he just been silently standing there?

Bruce explains that he’s looking up medical procedures and such to try and figure out what the scars on Evil Bruce’s back were caused by

Me: Bruce…do you ever…wonder what NORMAL kids do with their free time?

My Girlfriend: This is what happens when Alfred doesn’t let them have a Nintendo in the house…Bruce turns to really WEIRD ways to occupy his free time

Me: “I’m just looking through illustrations of surgical scars, like the Youth do”

However Bruce hears someone coming in and rushes to hide Evil Bruce, noting that “She” won’t understand

My Girlfriend: “QUICK, hide in the Clone Closet”

Me: Ah yes…the Cloneset

My Girlfriend: Stop making up words

It’s Selina because who else would it be just breaking in to Bruce’s home like that’s normal and she asks what he’s up to…he tells her that he’s been doing homework

Me: “My teacher has asked us to do a hundred page report on invasive medical procedures and the kinds of scars they leave”

My Girlfriend: “We’re all a little worried about our teacher”

Selina is obviously upset and when Bruce actually notices another human beings emotions and asks her what’s wrong she says that Ivy is missing

Me: She’s not missing YOU SAW HER GET DROPPED DOWN A MANHOLE

Bruce says that he’s sure that Ivy will turn up eventually but Selina notes that this time she “Fell” into water

My Girlfriend: She “Fell”

Me: “In a totally random accident that no one can really be held accountable for”

Bruce is sure that Ivy will turn up but Selina says she has a bad feeling

Me: Selina thinks she’s in a Star Wars movie now…

My Girlfriend: “I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”

Bruce however with all his usual tact and charm tells her “No offence…but it’s not like you to care”

My Girlfriend: “I TAKE QUITE A LOT OF OFFENCE TO THAT ACTUALLY”

Me: In what world ISN’T that an offensive thing to say to someone?

My Girlfriend: “I don’t understand…normally you’re a cold hearted monster, why are you acting like you feel concern for another person”

Selina breaks down in tears about how Ivy had no one else and no one other than her would even talk to her and it is actually really sad

Me: ;_;

My Girlfriend: Kitten it’s just a show, it’s okay

Me: SHE IS WORRIED ABOUT HER TINY GIRLFRIEND SHE JUST WANTS HER TO BE OKAY

My Girlfriend: She is okay though

Me: SHE HAS BEEN MUTATED INTO A MURDEROUS PLANT WOMAN THAT’S NOT OKAY

My Girlfriend: Maybe Selina’s Gay Catgirl Love will turn Ivy back from the path of evil

Me: I JUST WANT SELINA TO BE HAPPY SHE IS SMOL AND GOOD

Bruce tries his best to show concern for another person by holding Selina’s hand and Selina resolves to not give up hope and start checking the shelters and their usual hiding spots

Me: YES FIND YOUR BAE

My Girlfriend: Go seek out your Gal Pal Selina

However when she asks Bruce if he can come with her, noting that she’ll get around faster with a car…

Me: WAIT

He’s old enough to drive?

My Girlfriend: Well no but he’s a white billionaire so he is exempt from following any laws

Me: So your saying that he can screw the rules because he has money?

My Girlfriend: No I am NOT saying that you fuckin meme

Me: HIS AFFLUENCE MAKES A NONSENSE OF THE REGULATIONS

However Bruce stammers his way through a “no” and Selina, quite rightly, gets pissed that Bruce won’t do a thing to help her, bringing up “All the things” that she’s done for him

Me: “I PUSHED A MAN OUT OF A WINDOW FOR YOU”

Bruce however rather than doing anything to explain himself or calm Selina’s anger just says “It’s not a good time”

My Girlfriend: OH MY GOD JUST TELL HER WHAT’S GOING ON

Me: SO MUCH NEEDLESS DRAMA

And so much needless fighting

Could be solved if people in these shows JUST TALKED TO EACH OTHER

My Girlfriend: EXPLAIN YOURSELF YOU FOOL

Selina leaves but not before telling Bruce that “You’re a selfish son of a bitch, you know?”

My Girlfriend: “Yes, I am aware of that”

Me: Not seeing any lies there

My Girlfriend: Seems like a really accurate description of his character honestly

Bruce mutters an “I’m sorry” after Selina leaves…and we see Evil Bruce lurking and watching from inside his Clone Hiding Place…and repeating the words Less Evil Bruce just said over and over until he mimics his voice exactly

Me: ….

I’m sure that’s nothing to worry about, right?

My Girlfriend: There’s definitely a totally innocent explanation

Me: Sure is a shame Bruce couldn’t hear him doing that, even though he’s only about ten feet away from him

So leaving Evil Bruce and Son Of A Bitch Bruce to their shenanigans, we cut to a street on Gotham where Selina is clambering up a ladder only to be interrupted by Gordon, asking for her help in finding someone

My Girlfriend: I love how Gordon’s only real source seems to be a fifteen year old girl

Me: Also, the only time he ever accomplishes anything is with the help of tiny children

My Girlfriend: I can’t help but wonder if the fact he lurks around a homeless teenage girl all the time played a part in him not being on the GCPD anymore

Me: It doesn’t look good, does it

Selina wants to know why she should help and Gordon says that the woman is in trouble and also adds that he can pay Selina for her help

Me: “Look the only other person I have to turn to is an alcoholic troll man, please help me”

Selina tells Gordon that she doesn’t need his money

Me: Um, yes you do

My Girlfriend: Money is required for goods and services, Selina

But when he asks what she does need she tells him that Ivy is missing and asks if he’ll keep an eye out for her

My Girlfriend: Oh yeah because Jim Gordon is SUCH a great detective

Me: He didn’t notice he was working with the worlds least subtle serial killer for MONTHS Selina

My Girlfriend: You’d be better off looking on your own

Gordon shows Selina a picture of Alice and Selina notes that she is an escapee from Indian Hill

Me: “Even though we’ve never seen her before with them”

My Girlfriend: “Seems kind of lazily plotted when you think about it”

She tells Gordon that she left Mooney’s gang after a while and tells him that she thinks she has a job over at “The Narrows Bar”

Me: “I get to go to a bar to find her?

THIS IS THE BEST JOB EVER”

My Girlfriend: Jim Gordon loves his work on days like this

We cut over to the Narrows Bar which…has seen better days

Me: I think this place has been closed for a WHILE

My Girlfriend: That, or Jim’s in Silent Hill right now

Me: They’d need to assign six or seven Pyramid Head’s to punish all the sins Jim’s committed

As Gordon checks the place out he’s interrupted by a bunch of angry looking guys, one of whom demands to know if he’s a cop

Me: “Yes, I’m one of those cops who lurks around burnt down bars, all alone, with a flashlight”

My Girlfriend: In Gotham, that’s not the oddest thing I’ve heard…

Gordon insists he’s not and the guy who turns out to be the bars former owner decides to start complaining about how the fire in the bar took everything

Me: “I didn’t ask for your life story, dude”

Gordon says that he’s looking for Alice and the ex-bar owner gets pissed revealing that Alice is the one who STARTED the fire! Gordon asks why she would do that

My Girlfriend: “I DIDN’T STOP TO ASK HER, ASSHOLE”

Me: Why does anyone in Gotham do ANYTHING

Gordon, you’ve got to stop looking for logical motives here

My Girlfriend: You’re only going to be disappointed

The guy starts rambling about how Alice cut herself and freaked out when her blood got on the counter

Me: I think MOST people in places that people eat and drink would freak out about that

My Girlfriend: This guy seems to be pretty fine with the idea of human blood being all over his bar counter

Me: If the fire hadn’t closed this place down then the hygiene people would have

And the guy further explains that right after Alice cut herself the whole place wound up in flames

My Girlfriend: Wait, is her blood also FLAMMABLE?

Me: Oh my god…she’s ADAM X THE X-TREME

My Girlfriend: N O

So Ex Bar Owner grumbles about how someone has to pay for all the damage done to his bar

Me: “Why does he think I CARE about his whiny sob story?”

My Girlfriend: “Real sorry about the bar pal

I’d love to help but you know…I don’t want to”

Gordon offers to get his client to pay for the damage and there’s some tough guy growling that ends with Gordon excusing himself…and the ex bar owner pulling a gun and telling Gordon that he needs to “Teach him some manners”

Me: WELL THIS ESCALATED QUICKLY

AND FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON

My Girlfriend: “I just met you a minute ago, you’ve done nothing to me or anyone I know and have nothing to do with what happened to my bar

BUT I’M STILL GOING TO KILL YOU FOR IT”

Me: Gordon just has this effect on people

My Girlfriend: Right?

Not even five minutes after meeting him these guys want to kick his ass

Me: it’s like he doesn’t even need to TRY to piss people off anymore

A brief fight scene ensues during which Gordon takes down two of the goons

Me: Apparently men armed with guns are no match for Gordon and his Flashlight of Justice!

My Girlfriend: Their hearts not really in this fight, they don’t even know what they’re fighting ABOUT

But the Head Thug proceeds to whack Gordon over the head with a chair leg

Me: “I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M HITTING YOOOOUUUUUUU”

My Girlfriend: Oh no!

An injury like that, he could have brain damage!

Me: How would anyone tell?

Together: DO-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!

Gordon gets back up and knocks out Head Thug and we cut over to Gotham hospital where he’s getting himself checked out

My Girlfriend: After all those years of people telling him to get his head examined, he’s finally taking their advice

Me: Better late than never Gordon

The doctor tells Gordon to take his shirt off so he doesn’t get blood on it…

Me: NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT

My Girlfriend: THINK ABOUT YOUR VIEWERS

Don’t make us see that with our own two eyes!

The doctor also notes that he knows Gordon’s name and says that he should know just how dangerous injuries like this can be

Me: “You wouldn’t believe how many patients I’ve treated because of you”

My Girlfriend: “The morgue is full of your handywork”

But as the doctor sows Gordon’s injury up he casually mentions that Leslie speaks “Very highly” of Gordon

My Girlfriend: “Though god alone knows why”

Me: “It makes me worry about her taste in men honestly”

“I’m Mario

Lee’s fiancé”

Me: So THIS is what he does when he’s not plumbing or saving Princess Peach!

My Girlfriend: Leslie has really traded up…she’s going to be married to the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom!

Me: If Bowser ever kidnaps her she’ll be safe

Mario notes that he “Doesn’t know where your head’s at with all this”

Me: Mostly it’s getting bashed in in burnt down bars by shady crooks

My Girlfriend: So, same as ever really

Jim however reassures Mario that he’s happy for him and Leslie noting that he and Leslie are “Water under the bridge”

My Girlfriend: “The bridge I’m going to drown you under”

Me: Gordon is 100% considering murdering this guy in no uncertain terms

Gordon insists that there won’t be any trouble from him, despite the soundtrack and his expression saying otherwise

My Girlfriend: He’s going to murder him, isn’t he

Me: The hilarious and/or awful part is?

YES HE IS

Your right

My Girlfriend: I DID NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT

“But uh…if you ever were to hurt her

I’d have to hunt you down and kill you”

(TERRIFYING GRIN)

Me: IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE HE THINKS HE’S KIDDING BUT HE VERY MUCH ISN’T

My Girlfriend: Gordon just straight up threatened to hunt and murder a man but it’s okay because he’s the hero

Me: “Well you are just…a delight

I thought Leslie was making up most of the stories she told me about you”

My Girlfriend: Mario is coming to the horrifying realisation that everything he heard about Jim Gordon is 100% true

Gordon then shows Mario Alice’s picture asking if he’s seen her or knows her address

Me: “I know I just threatened to kill you but hey can you do me a solid?”

My Girlfriend: Jim, do the works “Doctor/patient confidentiality” mean anything to you?

We cut from this scene to where Cobblepott is meeting Mayor (?) James in a restaurant, noting that it was smart of him to pick a public place

My Girlfriend: “I guess I probably can’t murder you now”

Me: Would any of us be surprised if he did?

My Girlfriend: Would any of us be surprised if the people of Gotham STILL voted for him

Me: If all the other murders didn’t put them off why would one more

However Penguin is convinced that he doesn’t need to kill Mayor (?) James because the public is behind him, seeing him as “A man of action, of change”

My Girlfriend: “Change you don’t want to believe in”

Me: “Yes we can

We SHOULDN’T but we can

And we will”

Penguin calls James a “Sad joke” asking:

“While Galavan humiliated this city where were you?

In a warehouse…with a box on your head”

Me: I REALLY don’t think that he can be BLAMED for that

My Girlfriend: “HOW DARE YOU BE ABDUCTED AND HELD HOSTAGE”

James calls Penguin an “Unstable lunatic” and declares that people will “See right through him”

Me: Sadly he’s only HALF right there

My Girlfriend: He’s giving the people of Gotham WAY too much credit here…

Penguin insists that he’s going to win and James tells him that he’s “Psychotic” causing Penguin to get pissed

Me: “THAT’S OUR WORD!

YOU DON’T GET TO USE THAT WORD”

But as he stands up, and I swear I’m not making this up, two men with guns burst out into the restaurant and train fuckin assault rifles on the Penguin…and so does the fricking waiter whose ALSO carrying a huge gun

Me: OH MY GOD

My Girlfriend: WHAT IS HAPPENING

Is this real?

Am I actually seeing this

Me: The mayor of a city has literally armed a restaurant staff to the teeth so they can shoot the homicidal Penguin man he’s having dinner with if he tries anything

My Girlfriend: I can’t help but feel this will put people off going to this restaurant again

Me: Stuff like this is why people don’t often dine out in Gotham

“Not this time Penguin!

My head will not be put in a box again!”

My Girlfriend: Just when you think there aren’t any new sentences…

Me: I’m guessing those are words that Mayor James never imagined himself saying but here we are

My Girlfriend: I’m guessing their words the actor never imagined he’d get PAID to say

The Penguin reacts to this with a cheerful “Oh YOU”

Me: “You wacky scamp

Luring me to a Murder Restaurant”

My Girlfriend: That is SO him

However the Penguin says that while Mayor (?) James is “One step ahead” he is THREE steps ahead…as he clicks his fingers revealing that ALL THE DINERS IN THE RESTAURANT ARE ARMED TOO

And working for him, as they point their guns at Mayor James’s goons

My Girlfriend: …..

Is ANYONE in this restaurant NOT armed?

Me: “I have just been informed that a large number of you are stroking guns”

My Girlfriend: The entire restaurant

THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT

Me: I have genuinely got no effing clue what we are watching right now

My Girlfriend: How did this work

The logistics of this are BAFFLING

Me: Someone the Penguin made sure that EVERY PERSON in a restaurant that James told him to meet him at ONLY HOURS AGO were all armed hoods working for him

My Girlfriend: Like, the mayor having the restaurant staff replaced by his bodyguards makes a kind of ridiculous sense but this?

WHAT IS THIS

Penguin tells James that he doesn’t want him dead because the election campaign wouldn’t be any fun without an opponent, while pinning a campaign button on his coat

My Girlfriend: I DON’T think you can count on his vote, Oswald

Me: He has a number of issues with Penguin’s policies

And the way that he’s having machine guns pointed at his head

My Girlfriend: it’s the kind of thing that puts him off

But before he leaves the Penguin admits that mayor (?) James is right about one thing, he WILL need some help…and declares that he knows just who to go to for help

My Girlfriend: …

Should I even ask?

Me: I COULD tell you but why spoil the surprise

My Girlfriend: Can you at least reassure me that it won’t be something ridiculous

Me: I can’t and you know I can’t

Over with Jim Gordon he’s found Alice’s address and goes to investigate some strange babbling, screaming and laughing coming from behind a locked door

Me: “Well this sounds inviting”

My Girlfriend: “I’m sure there’s no harm at all in opening this door”

But who should burst out of it but Offensive French Landlord! Yes, he’s NOT dead and starts trying to kill Gordon while ranting nonsense

My Girlfriend: “SOMEONE GET THIS MAN SOME WINE”

Me: He needs 10ccs of Pretentious Black and White arthouse cinema, STAT!

However he’s quickly shot to death by none other than Alice!

My Girlfriend: Oh well, that was easy

Me: He died as he lived

POINTLESSLY

Alice asks if Gordon got any of the guys blood on him which he claims that he didn’t as she starts spreading gasoline over the body

Me: Not sure HOW he didn’t since the guy was on top of him and his chest exploded outward but fine

My Girlfriend: I’m not sure Gordon feels like answering honestly right now

Also

He seems remarkably calm about this situation

Me: Most of his friends have killed people in front of him by this point, it doesn’t bother him like it used to

Alice claims that the man was “Infected” and when Gordon asks by what she claims that he was infected by “Her”

Me: Infected…by her genetics….

My Girlfriend: “While we’re in the mood to answer questions, would you mind telling me why your splashing gasoline all over the place?”

Me: “Well, you just killed a man and now it looks like your about to burn this place down…nothing for me to worry about I’m sure…”

Gordon explains to Alice that her brother is looking for her but she freaks out and says that he can’t find her

My Girlfriend: Wait, you mean they DIDN’T have a healthy relationship?

Me: I am SHOCKED

From the way he was stroking her picture in the home of the two people he murdered I was sure he’d turn out to be a GREAT brother

And Alice proceeds to set the corpse on fire and flee while Gordon tries to smother the flames

Me: “What does it say about my life that this isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen”

My Girlfriend: Sometimes Gordon worries that he’s becoming desensitized to all this

Meanwhile over at Stately Wayne Manor, home of Billionaire Orphan Bruce Wayne, Homeless Orphan Evil Bruce Wayne is…watching Bruce sleep, while holding a pair of scissors

My Girlfriend: Now, Alfred hates to say “I told you so” Bruce but…

Me: Maybe letting your Evil Clone created by a mad scientist stay in the place where you sleep wasn’t your best plan

But actually Evil Bruce just decides to use the scissors to give himself a haircut

My Girlfriend: Oh thank god, he just wants a makeover

Me: It’s about time, that hair of his is a MESS

My Girlfriend: Couldn’t he have just taken off the joke shop wig he was wearing?

Me: They glued it to his skull

And the scene cuts to the next day where Alfred and Bruce find his clone gone and correctly deduce that he’s cut his hair to look more like Bruce does

Me: “How could we have guessed that the creepy clone who broke out of an asylum might do anything WEIRD”

My Girlfriend: Didn’t they basically do this plot on an episode of Frisky Dingo?

Me: Oh my god

They genuinely did, this is just the subplot from Frisky Dingo about Xander Crews’s evil twin

My Girlfriend: (Bad Russian accent) “IS COMPLICATED ENOUGH WITHOUT THIS EVIL TWIN BULLSHIT”

So while Bruce and Alfred ponder how to deal with THIS nightmare of a situation, we cut to Arkham where Penguin is paying a visit to the new head of the facility while a fullscale riot goes on around them

My Girlfriend: HE’S AT A CONVENTION FOR ANGRY BEETLEJUICE COSPLAYERS

Me: Arkham, babe

My Girlfriend: Right, what did I say

The doctor who Penguin is meeting with talks about he’s been tasked with restoring order to the asylum

My Girlfriend: he’s doing a great job, clearly…

Me: Keep up the exceptional work there doc…

Penguin tells the doctor that someone of his reputation should never have been sent to clean up the mess Strange made of things

My Girlfriend: He was the only psychiatrist they could find who doesn’t dress up in a costume and try to kill people

Me: It’s SO HARD finding a NON evil psychiatrist in the DCU

Penguin talks to the doctor in his office about his political aspirations and claims that if he becomes mayor then the doctor will have any job that he so desires

Me: “It may shock you to learn that I had an ulterior motive in visiting this insane asylum”

My Girlfriend: “GASP”

Me: Also, does a mayor even HAVE the authority to do that?

My Girlfriend: In Gotham I wouldn’t be surprised if the mayor gets to decide who lives and who dies

The doctor is naturally suspicious about what Penguin wants in return for this favour and Penguin claims that while his victory is “Inevitable” that his campaign is “Missing a key element”

Me: Every political campaign needs more inmates from an asylum for the criminally insane onboard

My Girlfriend: So I take it that Penguin is running as a Republican?

Penguin says that a colleague of his is “Locked up unfairly” in Arkham

Me: “All he did was kill half a dozen people for fun”

My Girlfriend: Oh no….

Oh your not telling me…

Me: Look Rebecca he just CAN’T POSSIBLY win that election without the Riddle Crime Serial Killer on his side!

“Are you suggesting I release a convicted criminal onto the street?”

Me: “Mr Cobblepot I am shocked!

This is Arkham!

WE ONLY DO THAT ON THURSDAYS AND FRIDAYS”

My Girlfriend: An inmate at Arkham just walking out the door to cause more mayhem?

UNHEARD OF

The doctor insists that he can’t just let someone go like that but Penguin responds by threatening him that when he becomes mayor he’ll have him demoted to janitor

Me: Again: I REALLY don’t think the mayor has the authority to do that

My Girlfriend: “I think you might be a little confused about what a mayor actually DOES Oswald”

Me: Though he still has a better understanding of the political system than Trump

My Girlfriend: That’s like having a better understanding of algebra than an infant though

So as the doctor makes the most terrified face ever and the Penguin continues to be weird and creepy we cut over to Barbara’s club where, speaking of weird and creepy, Jervis Tetch is performing again!

And this time he’s hypnotising Barbara

My Girlfriend: Why don’t I have a good feeling about this?

Me: Because you’ve been watching this show with me for over a year now

My Girlfriend: And WHY have I been doing that?

Me: ‘CAUSE YA LUUUUURVE ME

My Girlfriend: (GRUMBLES)

Jervis asks the crowd what they’d like to see Barbara do

My Girlfriend: “Keep it clean, people”

Me: “We’d like to see her stop being a biphobic stereotype”

My Girlfriend: “I’m a magician not a miracle worker”

Tigress chimes in saying that Barbara wants to see Jervis’s act have more “Whimsy” this time

Me: “If you could not hypnotise anyone to murder their wife while helping you do a home invasion that would be great”

My Girlfriend: “But murder is all I’m good for!”

Jervis decides on hypnotising Barbara into being madly in love with him

My Girlfriend: I think he has a hearing problem

Tabitha said she wanted WHIMSY not CREEPY

Me: What’s more whimsical than showing how you can use hypnotism to violate someone’s consent and mind control them to manipulate their emotions

Jervis begins the act and Tigress looks pretty pissed as Barbara enthuses about how totally in love with Jervis she is, thanks to his hypnotism

Me: It would take hypnotism to make me get that passionate about a man as well

My Girlfriend: Why does Tigress look jealous?

She does realise that this is just the hypnosis right?

Me: Her girlfriend constantly moons over some gross fuckboy she used to date

I can understand why she gets upset about Barbara maybe having a wandering eye

However Jervis then asks Barbara what she would do if he said that he didn’t love her back as Tigress mutters an “Uh-oh”

Me: ….

Okay that’s GENUINELY funny

My Girlfriend: AND ON PURPOSE

Me: Well done Gotham, see we told you you should be a sitcom

And yep sure enough Barbara responds by SMASHING A WINE GLASS and holding the jagged edges to an increasingly terrified Jervis Tetch’s throat

Me: Yep, that’s pretty much what Barbara always does when someone doesn’t love her back

My Girlfriend: REALLY should have thought that one through better Jervis

Me: Honestly given what she did to Leslie and tried to do to Leslie and Jim, this is pretty tame

My Girlfriend: She didn’t even abducted him and threaten to shotgun his face off in a church or anything

Jervis snaps Barbara out of this VERY quickly as Tigress rushes over and explains that Barbara has “Rejection issues”

Me: The crowd sure seems pretty calm about how the club owner just tried to bleed a stage hypnotist out right in front of them all over the floor

My Girlfriend: Gotham, the only city where going to see a cheesy magic act in a club might end with you witnessing attempted murder

Me: Well…this is America, so probably not the ONLY city…

My Girlfriend: That’s true, there’s always Detroit

“Ladies and gentleman the great Jervis Tetch!”

Me: “That’s it yes, clap and applaud yes let’s none of get the law involved”

My Girlfriend: “Drinks on the house for everyone who keeps quiet about what just happened”

As Jervis takes his bows who should arrive but Jim Gordon! Jervis goes up to him and asks if he found Alice

“I found her

Lost her

She shot a man and set fire to his body”

Me: Don’t you just HATE when that happens

My Girlfriend: “I probably should have called the police or something rather than come to a night club to talk to a hypnotist but you know…”

Me: The police?

I hardly see how it’s any of their business if private citizens want to shoot each other and set fire to each others bodies

My Girlfriend: Your right, that’s definitely not a matter for law enforcement

“She also said she doesn’t want anything to do with you”

My Girlfriend: Why does he sound more concerned about THAT than the murder and immolation?

Me: People can set each other on fire all they want as far as Gordon is concerned but he will NOT tolerate lying!

Gordon demands to know what’s going on and threatens that if Jervis doesn’t tell him then his “Next stop will be the GCPD”

Me: “Which really should have been my FIRST stop”

My Girlfriend: “Especially as I got my fingerprints all over that crime scene, so they’re probably after me for murder now”

Me: “Maybe my decision making skills aren’t as impeccable as I’ve always believed…”

Jervis tries to claim that the situation is complicated but Jim tells him to uncomplicated it in no uncertain terms

Me: Why’d he have to go and make things so complicated?

My Girlfriend I’m pretty sure that guy she shot in his chest was unwillingly cremated

Me: What to do now

And so Jervis asks Jim to go off somewhere with him in private so he can explain things, which Jim does because of course why wouldn’t he

My Girlfriend: “If you’ll just follow me into the room I keep my collection of knives, axes and daggers I’m sure I can put all your fears to rest”

Me: A brilliant plan…Jim Gordon will never see it coming…WHEN HE SHOOTS HIM

But no they actually step out onto the rooftop of the club where Jim demands to know what Alice is “Infected” with

Me: Apparently with the rage virus from 28 Days Later

My Girlfriend: First Resident Evil now this…what is it with this show and zombie media

Jervis tells Jim that Alice isn’t “Infected” but rather is “Powerful” and starts his stopwatch ticking

Me: Another life is about to be lost to Stopwatch Crime

My Girlfriend: Stopwatches don’t kill people Samantha

Evil hypnotists do

With stop watches

Me: This message paid for by the National Stopwatch Association

And yep sure enough Jervis tells Jim to listen to his stopwatch ticking

My Girlfriend: “Sure I’ll listen to it like you asked

I’m sure you’ve not ulterior motive here”

Me: “It’s not like I already know you’re a hypnotist or anything”

My Girlfriend: “I’m sure there’s no harm in letting you take complete control of everything I do”

Jervis hypnotises Gordon in about five seconds and tells him to put his gun on the ground and walk towards the wall…

Me: Does hypnotism REALLY work like that?

I feel like you can’t just…do it to anyone ANY TIME like that

My Girlfriend: You’ve got to remember that Jervis isn’t exactly dealing with a towering intellect here

Me: “Yes…I hear and obey…these are not the droids I’m looking for”

Jervis goads Jim on, talking about how tired of life he must be

Me: He’s been appearing in Gotham for three seasons now

OF COURSE he’s tired of living

My Girlfriend: No wonder deep down he wants to throw himself off a roof

Me: He’s felt that way since season two

“Close your eyes”

Me: Wave goodbye

My Girlfriend: Say hello

Me: Is Jim human?

Or is he dancing

Jim gets up on the wall and Jervis continues to speechify at him

“Deep down you want to die, don’t you Jim?

You want to end this miserable, empty, loveless life”

Me: Dude, he’s on the wall, just push him off

My Girlfriend: You don’t have to rub it in like this

Me: I don’t even LIKE Jim Gordon and even I think that Jervis is laying it on a bit strong here

Jervis tells Jim that he’s going to count down from ten and that when he finishes he will step off the ledge and find “Everlasting peace”

Me: HE’S RIGHT THERE ON THE LEDGE

JUST PUSH HIM OFF

My Girlfriend: WHY is he dragging it out like this

What does he gain from it

Me: It’s almost like they were drawing it out to try and milk drama and meet the runtime of the episode

But as Jervis counts down, who should appear but…Alice! Who points a gun at him and orders him to stop

My Girlfriend: “CURSES!

FOILED BY MY NATURAL FLAIR FOR SHOWMANSHIP”

Me: “if only I’d just killed him a minute ago when I had the chance instead of treating this like my magic act”

Alice tells Jervis to get Jim down from there but Jervis tells her to just ignore what’s going on with him

Me: Jervis seems to have trouble grasping that people don’t want to have a friendly chat while he’s forcing a man to commit suicide

My Girlfriend: “What about this situation could possibly be off putting”

Alice tries to tell Jim to get down off the ledge but Jervis explains that he can’t hear her

Me: “I’ve hypnotised him so he’s even less perceptive than usual”

My Girlfriend: I didn’t think that was POSSIBLE

Jervis is confused why Alice doesn’t seem to want to talk to him and she angrily declares that Jervis is “Evil”

My Girlfriend: “Look sometimes there are SHADES OF GREY”

Me: “Admittedly not in my case, I kill purely for fun, but still”

My Girlfriend: “It’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing”

Alice fires at Jervis and somehow misses him…

Me: HOW THE HELL DID SHE MISS

My Girlfriend: He was stood LESS THAN THREE FEET AWAY FROM HER

The shot ALSO hits the ledge Jim is standing on and sends him tumbling off!

Me: JIM

STOP

CHOOSE LIFE

My Girlfriend: I guess it goes to show that even when you make a mistake, some good can come of it…

Me: Not to worry Alice, you totally failed to kill ONE evil man but you may have succeeded in killing another!

Yes Alice completely fails to hit Jervis with a single bullet and he flees…and Alice runs over to help Jim back up off the ledge he’s now clinging to

Me: ALICE NO DON’T BE A FOOL

My Girlfriend: Nothing of value will be lost if you let him drop Alice

Me: Hell Gotham will be BETTER OFF

My Girlfriend: The city or the show?

Me: BOTH

But no, Alice hauls Jim back on to the rooftop…and he promptly handcuffs her. On her injured wrist even!

Me: Jim Gordon everyone

My Girlfriend: Bringing new meaning to the term “Ungrateful”

Me: “Thanks for saving my life

Now to turn you over for a cash reward”

My Girlfriend: “But hey, I really appreciate the save

Especially as I’m definitely not worth it”

So we cut from one cold blooded, evil murderer to another as a scene change takes us to Arkham, where Edward is being released, complete with a piece of paper which he notes declares

“I’m sane”

My Girlfriend: When even the character in question doesn’t sound like they believe it…

Me: “Your seriously trying to tell me that I’m sane

The guy who talks to his own reflection

And hears it talk back”

My Girlfriend: “That’s what the paper says, would the paper lie”

Edward brings up all the murders he committed and the doctor insists that they were all commited when he was INSANE

My Girlfriend: Oh well that’s fine then

Me: In that case just let him back onto the streets

“So the murder of Ms Kringle”

“Insane”

“Officer Dougherty”

“Insane”

“Officer Pinkney?”

“Insane”

Me: “And the plot of this episode?”

My Girlfriend: “Insane”

“And now I’m?”

“SANE

And not responsible for any of the acts perpetrated during your sickness…you’re a free man Edward!”

Me: I’m…VERY VERY SURE that’s not at all how the legal system works

My Girlfriend: I’m no lawyer

But I’m ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that this isn’t how the legal system works

Me: When someone gets sent to an asylum for mass murder, I’m very certain that all it takes is one crooked quack declaring them sane to just let them loose in the middle of the damn night with NO OTHER LEGAL REPURCUSSIONS

My Girlfriend: HE BURIED TWO PEOPLE IN THE WOODS

Edward finds this whole thing as ridiculous as we do and starts to ask how this is possible…when a black limo rolls up and with a grin Edward declares “Never mind”

Me: “I should have known”

My Girlfriend: Whenever something utterly fuckin ludicrous happens on this show, everyone should immediately assume that the Penguin is responsible

Me: because of course he is

And yep sure enough, the Penguin sticks his head out the window and gleefully declares that it’s good to see Edward

Me: See, at this point, how can anyone doubt me when I say this show is a comedy?

My Girlfriend: If this series isn’t a sitcom then someone needs to tell the writers that

So while Edward and Penguin catch up and reminisce about the Murder Times, we cut over to a restaurant where Leslie and Mario are having dinner, with Mario asking how things went when she met Jim

Me: “It was awkward, weird, there was a complete lack of chemistry”

My Girlfriend: “It was like we were dating each other all over again”

Mario says that he wants to be sure that there was nothing left “Unsaid” between Leslie and Jim and she reassures him that she and Jim have nothing more to say to each other

Me: Her Stilted Uninteresting Love Interest is very worried that her Even More Stilted and Uninteresting Ex might still fan the flames of passion in her heart

My Girlfriend: The way they can’t express any emotions other than anger and Bland Passive Aggresion…the way they’re incapable of more than one expression…

Me: it just sets her panties on fire

Mario brings up that he met Jim and Leslie reacts with shock saying he COULD have mentioned that before they sat down

Me: “Yes but the camera wasn’t on us then”

My Girlfriend: “If I’d said it when we weren’t onscreen it wouldn’t further the plot”

Mario explains that Jim was getting stitches and Leslie reacts with a resigned “of course he was”

My Girlfriend: “Nice to know he hasn’t changed”

Me: For a second she dared herself to dream that maybe Jim Gordon’s life had stopped being a shameful spiral of violence while she was away

Mario also gets pissy about Leslie having not told Jim his name

My Girlfriend: She was just worried that he’d start making Smash Bros Brawl jokes

Me: or ask if he could borrow his giant green dinosaur friend

When who should interrupt this trainwreck of a meal but…Carmine Falcone?!?!

My Girlfriend: Ohhhhhhh what is this bullshit now

WHO IS MARIO’S DAD!!!!

Me: WHAT A TWIST!

My Girlfriend: So she’s gone from dating a crooked corrupt cop to dating the son of a Mafia don

Me: They prefer the name “Cosa Nostra”

My Girlfriend: I’d prefer for Leslie to date someone who isn’t going to probably kill her and dump her in a shallow grave

So Carmine sits down to dinner with them and talks about how he promised his wife he’d never get Mario involved in “Our thing”

Me: That thing being murder, extortion, kidnapping, drug trafficking

My Girlfriend: But it’s okay because he never let it harm this one particular person he’s related to by blood

Me: Truly he is a good man and an amazing father

Carmine says that even though Mario can’t use the Falcone name he’s brought “Honour” to the family

Me: I don’t think being more honourable than a pack of legbreakers and crimelords is that difficult

My Girlfriend: “He hasn’t killed anyone, even when he really really wanted to!

HE’S A SAINT”

Carmine also claims that he thinks that his wife would have approved of Mario being engaged to her, except for one problem, that being that she’s “Too beautiful”

Me: “Thanks for being weird and creepy dad, we can always count on you to make dinner an uncomfortable experience for all involved”

My Girlfriend: “You started off by talking about how you have people killed for money and now your saying creepy shit about my fiancée

Outstanding work, really a delight”

Carmine continues that Leslie’s beauty is like something out of a “Great tragedy”

My Girlfriend: Is a Great Tragedy like a greek tragedy

Me: Yes, but greater

And says that it’s the kind of beauty that makes men “Do crazy things”

They correctly assume he’s talking about Gordon and reassure him that Jim is fine with Leslie and Mario dating

My Girlfriend: Not sure what the hell business it is of Gordon’s WHO Leslie dates

But I do love that they all know right away that he’s who Carmine means

Me: The second he starts talking about men doing awful things they all know he means Jim Gordon

My Girlfriend: Also is the subtext of this scene that even a Mafia crimelord is horrified by Jim Gordon

Me: That’s the TEXT of this scene

My Girlfriend: I wish I could say I was surprised, but…

“Here’s to both of you…a blessed union”

Me: And I’m sure NOTHING will happen to disrupt or ruin it!

My Girlfriend: THEY WILL SURELY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

We cut over to where Selina is just hanging out with some others of Gotham’s homeless when a car pulls up and out steps…Bruce Wayne????

Me: Oh my god he legitimately DOES just drive himself around

My Girlfriend: There’s no one else in that car

He was driving it

Me: HOW AND WHY

Is a SMALL CHILD allowed to drive himself around the city?

My Girlfriend: “It sure is a good thing I’m obscenely wealthy or I might get in trouble for this”

However something is up, as Bruce apologises to Selina in the most stilted way possible

My Girlfriend: Something is going on here…he’s being even more robotic than usual…

Me: His acting has become even more wooden and lacking in emotion

My Girlfriend: Which I didn’t know it COULD

Selina asks if Alfred knows Bruce stole his car and Bruce says that he doesn’t need to tell him

“It’s mine, not his”

Me: Just one of the many cars this fifteen year old child drives around all day

My Girlfriend: Because things like driving licenses and a legal age for owning and operating such a vehicle don’t exist in Gotham

Bruce continues to act weird while asking Selina if she is hungry and Selina does at least notice that something is going on here

Me: “Did your acting get even worse while I wasn’t looking”

My Girlfriend: “Okay whoever you are, even Bruce puts more feeling into his words than this”

However she still decides to go along with Clearly Evil Bruce telling the other homeless around her “Don’t wait up, losers”

Me: “Always a pleasure to see you too Selina”

My Girlfriend: “Really, drop by any time”

And Selina gets in the car while Evil Bruce makes an Evil Face right at the camera and the soundtrack gets really creepy

Me: NOOOOO

SELINA LISTEN TO THE SOUNDTRACK

My Girlfriend: It’s trying to warn you of danger being near!

Me: THE SOUNDTRACK MUST BE HEEDED

And our episode comes to an end

Me: Well, what have we learned this week?

My Girlfriend: We’ve learned that stopwatches are the tool of the devil

Me: AND MUST BE DESTROYED

My Girlfriend: We learned that Bruce and Selina are HORRIBLE judges of character

Me: And so is Leslie

My Girlfriend: And so is Jim Gordon

Me: Basically no one on this shows judgement can be trusted, ever

My Girlfriend: We learned that all hypnotists are creeps and perverts

Me: Which I’ve been trying to warn people of for YEARS

My Girlfriend: Oh and we’ve learned that in Gotham no one notices if you kill two people and take over their home

Me: Or if you threaten to kill someone in public in front of countless witnesses

My Girlfriend: We also learned that Gotham is the only place on earth that can outdo the absolute nonsense that was the presidential elections

Me: Penguin is going to get those Bad Dudes Rebecca

My Girlfriend: But not before he goes on a twitter rant

Me: Serious lack of murder umbrella stores in Gotham! Sad!

#Gotham #Batman #DC #Comics #Samantha and her girlfriend watch Gotham

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