#funny asoiaf theories

[stormcloudrising]

Funny, Contradictory ASOIAF Theories

Contradictory theories put forth about ASOIAF can sometimes be unintentionally funny...especially when the contradiction is not realized or acknowledged. Case in point...

Tyrion will be the devil on Dany's shoulder who will convince her to burn KL as she won't know that wild fire is present under the city, and that's what will cause the destruction. Of course, it's pretty impossible for her not to know, but that's another story.

Dragonfire/Wildfire; Dragonfire/Wildfire; Dragonfire/Wildfire

Can someone weigh the difference between the two and explain it to me in terms of destructive power why it would make a difference whether she knows or not. The two are equivalently the same. That's the point. Did Aegon need wildfire to destroy Harrenhal or the many castles in Dorne burned by the dragons? Make it make sense.

Another thing about the theory of Tyrion being the devil on her shoulder is that in the next breath, they will also say that this passage from TWOIAF is foreshadowing Dany saving the world with Tyrion's help.

In the Jade Compendium, Colloquo Votar recounts a curious legend from Yi Ti, which states that the sun hid its face from the earth for a lifetime, ashamed at something none could discover, and that disaster was averted only by the deeds of a woman with a monkey's tail. —The World of Ice and Fire - Ancient History: The Long Night

Per this theory, Tyrion will be Dany's hand or advisor and as he's described several times in the text as being a monkey demon and having a tail, he's the monkey in the tale, and together, he and Dany will in some way be instrumental in saving the world.

Now I fully admit that when I first read TWOIAF, this was my take as well when I read the passage. It was only in my multiple re-reads of the books, that I came to a different understanding of Dany's role in story.

I also came to believe that the passage itself was not really foreshadowing anything specifically about the story, but was just one of those easter eggs, George sometimes throws in regarding real world things that he likes. Similar to how he worked his fondness for the NY Giants and dislike for the Patriots and Cowboys into the text.

I could be wrong, but I think the passage a play on words and is a homage to the French cartoon, "A Monkey's Tale," which has a ton of elements that could be compared to ASOIAF in it.

Funnily enough, if the passage is foreshadowing something in the books, just as it's ignored that with marrying Sansa to Tyrion, George potentially switched out Arya for her big sister in his proposed triangle with Jon and Tyrion, it’s also missed that the future Lady of Winterfell could be the woman in the passage. 

After all, she’s a woman as well and Tyrion is still her husband. Thus, he can be considered her monkey’s tail as well. The funnier aspect is that this is how things symbolically played out on the show as it was the actions of Sansa and Tyrion which led to Dany’s downfall. 

[fromtheseventhhell]

She wished the Rush would rise and wash the whole city away, Flea Bottom and the Red Keep and the Great Sept and everything, and everyone too, especially Prince Joffrey and his mother. But she knew it wouldn't, and anyhow Sansa was still in the city and would wash away too. When she remembered that, Arya decided to wish for Winterfell instead. (ACOK I, Arya)

Isn't it funny that in the very first book Arya thinks about something bad happening to the people she hates, realizes that someone she cares about could get hurt in the process, and instead decides to focus on wishing for home? I just think that's a neat character moment for her 😁

[atopvisenyashill]

Fancasts From Atop Visenya’s Hill

-> Gaia Weiss as Marei, a worker at Chataya’s

Marei was a cool, pale, delicate girl Tyrion had noticed once or twice. Green eyes and porcelain skin, long straight silvery hair, very lovely, but too solemn by half.

[visenyaism]

Daemon is Aemonds real father for the rubric?

as much as i pretend to be an intellectual sitting up in my media literacy ivory tower smugly deriding everyone below me like ants. i am SO not above super goofy patently untrue theories if i personally believe the slay factor is high enough and this does it for me.

like obviously the timelines don’t match up there’s no evidence other than just look at the two of them and we need to liberate alicent hightower from terrible men BUTTTTT. dragon eating its own tail moment but more this time. bastard-hating aemond secretly being a bastard himself. Daemon pulling like 75% of a reverse Oedipus hattrick by killing someone who he doesn’t know is his son BY gouging his eyeballs out. oh it’s so fun

[novembermorgon]

do you ever think abou illyrio's wife Serra asking cause i saw the theory she's a blackfyre and now have brain worms

i do like young griff a lot and i think the theory that he's a blackfyre via serra is probably the most likely conclusion to his little parent mixup mystery . id like to know more about her but i don't think it's likely that we'll get much, if anything, even if grrm manages to release all these books 😭 sad . i'm not as deep in the mainline series as i used to be anyway and i'm not a big blackfyre fan so at least i guess it's not gonna keep me up at night

[ode-to-fury]

I think peepaw should give Shireen a dragon, not only because she deserves it but because all of us deserve it as well

[mistninja]

On that topic can Martin release winds of winter so I can write about the jon and fitz parallels!!!!

[lesbians4armand]

there are not enough silly theories about satin flowers that i like so here’s some (for the love of god do not take them seriously every single one is a crack theory i made up on the spot)

• Satin is Shae. they’re the same person

• Satin is Azor Ahai

• R + L = Satin

• N + A = Satin

• Satin is Edric Dayne in disguse

• Satin is Melisandre’s spy

• Satin is a Sand Snake in disguise / Satin is a Sand Snake in his own right, one of Oberyn’s bastards

• Satin is Littlefinger and Lysa Tully’s son (from when Littlefinger slept with Lysa thinking she was Cat)

• Satin is Jon’s twin brother and their parents are Rhaegar and Lyanna

• Satin is a wildling

• Satin is warging into Ghost along with Jon

• Satin was Robb Stark’s lover who was arrested by the Lannisters

• Satin is Euron Greyjoy’s bastard

• Satin is far older than he claims, not younger (immortal Satin?)

• Satin is a bastard of a Baratheon and a Targaryen

• Satin was Renly’s lover before Loras

• Satin is Tyrion’s bastard and accidental lover

• DaenSatin (Daenerys/Satin). They’re endgame

• Satin is decended from Daemon Targaryen

• Satin will be killed as a sacrifice by Melisandre instead of Shireen

• Jon falsely accuses Satin of the mutiny and kills him.

• Satin is a shapeshifter from Asshai

• Satin is Rhaenys Targaryen (daughter of Elia)

• Satin is Malora Hightower

• Satin is Beric Dondarrion

• The real Satin dies in the fight against the wildlings at Castle Black, ADWD Satin is a fake

• Satin is Arthur Dayne’s son

• Satin is Ashara Dayne’s ‘stillborn’ child.

• Satin is from beyond the Sunset Sea

• ASOIAF is literally the Bible from an alternate universe, and Satin isn’t just Mary Magdalene allegory, he literally is Mary Magdalene. And the Others are Revelations

• Val and Satin are siblings

• Robert + Rhaegar = Satin

• Satin is Tywin’s bastard

• Satin is Olenna Tyrell’s grandson (and sibling/half sibling of Margaery and Loras)

• Satin is the real Arya, so when “Arya” (Jeyne) gets to the Wall, it’s revealed she’s a fake. Arya is Braavos is also a fake.

• Satin is Littlefinger

• Catelyn warged into Satin before she died because she felt bad about Jon

• Satin is Sam’s trueborn brother (but was abandoned in Oldtown very young by Randyll Tarly because he wasn’t ‘worthy of being his heir’)

• Bowen Marsh is abusing Satin and forcing him to work against Jon

• Satin is Syrio Forel’s child who was abandoned when Syrio was murdered

• Satin was the baby born on Dragonstone to Rhaella, Dany was the baby born in the Tower of Joy to Lyanna, but they were switched

• Satin will kill Cersei, making him the younger and more beautiful queen

• Satin was one of the Miller’s boys that Theon supposedly killed

• Bran is warging into Satin to communicate with Jon from beyond the wall

• Satin is Doran Martell’s son (either trueborn or bastard)

• Satin wrote the Pink Letter

thats all for now

[daenystheedreamer]

lem lemoncloak is richard lonmouth top ten asoiaf theories just cos like why and also how would it be revealed. is jaime gonna show up to his stoneheart trial and go "shit is that rhaegar's squire?". and then move on because he's about to die and cat stark's a zombie. its usually propped up for r+l=j and knight of the laughing tree stuff but howland is already there. actually that would be funny if super cool secret howland reed whose kids are with bran and who is the ONLY guy in the realm who knows about jon ends up being a red herring and its lem lemoncloak random guy jon snow doesnt know who drags the cat out of the bag

[amaltheas-garden]

dany stans vilifying sansa will never not be funny like your girl is sacking cities and burning people alive 😭😭 we need to bring back disliking characters for no reason bc people are doing way too much

i mean yeah, asoiaf has a ton of different povs so it's bound to happen that readers will prefer some over others. You don't need a reason to dislike one character, I think it usually comes down to dark dany theories pissing them off, so they try to find some way for Sansa to become a villain. And most of them realize dark Sansa is not happening so they switch to crying about how irrelevant she is. It's fine to just not like her.

[atopvisenyashill]

i have decided to break down all the wild potential female line claimants to the iron throne thru the targaryen line because why not let’s go:

obviously there's our "modern" targaryen daughters: daenerys, rhaella, shaera, and rhaelle. that one is easy to explain in part because it's mostly incest, lol. it goes like so (mind you, i'm cutting out male siblings that don't inherit for now) -

Aegon V + Betha Blackwood -> Jaehaerys II, Shaera, Rhaelle (also Duncan & Daeron)

Jaehaerys II + Shaera -> Aerys + Rhaella -> Daenerys

Rhaelle + Ormund Baratheon -> Steffon Baratheon. Steffon + Cassandra Eastermont = Robert, Stannis, and Renly.

so rhaella & shaera's lines are the same as their brothers, and rhaelle is the grandmother of the baratheon kings, which means like the targaryen main line, all of their lines will be dead or illegitimate as well (rip myrcella, tommen, shireen, aegon vi, and daenerys tho).

that leads you up from aegon v to maekar’s daughters, and since we are at a time period where no main character was alive, i made a little graphic to explain easier. let's start with daeron ii (since he's maekar's father anyway) and work backwards:

there’s several ladies in this grouping: rhae, daella, aelora, daenora, and vaella. we know ‘recently’ a targaryen married the evenstar, and timeline wise, it can only be Rhae or Daella, likely to selwyn’s grandfather. which means claimant number one is selwyn & brienne as king & princess of dragonstone claimant. hell yeah.

there’s two “dead end” branches next. maekar has a granddaughter, vaella, but given she’s described as “simple” it’s likely she never married. daeron & myriah, meanwhile, had no daughters but their son rhaegel had two, aelora and daenora. aelora married her brother aelor but aelora killed herself several years after aelor died (it’s a wild story but not relevant). no children. daenora married into maekar’s line tho, to aerion brightflame and had a son, maegor targaryen, who was passed over for aegon v. we do not know if he married or had kids bc it’s not listed and it’s not like there’s a cadet targaryen house anywhere so if he did marry, probably all daughters.

even further back is aegon the unworthy who had one daughter: daenerys. yes that’s right, our second claimant for king and princess of dragonstone is doran and arianne martell (and then, haha, elia and aegon vi AGAIN, love nobility family trees). and then technically, because the martells are normal and don’t die off every two generations, probably a few offshoot martell cousins. and a reminder that minus mysterious maegor, we have no living male line descendants potentially hanging around either. but back to the targ line.

viserys ii had naerys who married aegon iv so their line is the same. aegon iii, his brother, had three daughters.

daena has daemon blackfyre and given that he was legitimized, you could make the argument that the blackfyres have a claim lmao, so any female line daemon kids could be fair game. then you have elaena targaryen who had several legitimate children: viserys plumm, & robin, laena, jocelyn, and joy penrose. that’s right my esteemed readers our third claimant for king and prince of dragonstone is phillip & dennis plumm!

*loud boos bc they’re not even a great house or a house that used to be kings, they’re just some random nobles in the westerlands* shut up i’m not finished!!

through elaena, the only targ pulling her weight out here to populate the family tree, we have our fourth claimant as well: Old Penrose of the Parchments for King on the Iron Throne!

there’s no reason laena, jocelyn, and joy did not marry but we have no info on them so just know if they married some random landed knight, we also have some random dude walking around the stormlands who could be the next king of westeros.

then we get JAEHAERYS but to keep with ignoring men in this post, i entitled it “alyssa’s line.”

baby visenya, who was a stillbirth & jaehaera, who died before having children, are the two “dead end” lines from the dance. before them is viserys, who had helaena but helaena’s heirs are aegon ii’s heirs.

now, jaehaerys had daenerys, alyssa, saera, viserra, daella, and gael. daenerys died before having children as did viserra. gael & saera had no legitimate children. that leaves alyssa and daella. daella had aemma arryn, who married back into the targ family tree to have rhaenyra. alyssa also married back into the family tree and had three sons, viserys, daemon, and aegon. aegon died as a baby, we know viserys, but daemon had two daughters with laena velaryon: baela and rhaena. laena herself is also a distant claimant through the female line - aemon, jaehaerys’ first born son, and jocelyn baratheon had rhaenys, the queen that never was, who had laena. through baela we get our fifth claimant for king of westeros, the literal toddler montereys velaryon! rhaena is kinda tricky - she had no children in her first marriage, and six daughters in her second to garmund hightower but he was the third son and his oldest brother had six kids so it’s not likely the hightower line descends from rhaena however it would be really funny if it did so for the sake of making myself laugh i give you our sixth claimant to the seat of house targaryen, king leyton hightower and prince of dragonstone baelor breakwind. this puts a lot of people in the running tbh, bc leyton has a million kids. his daughters marry and have kids with an ambrose, a tyrell, a cupps, and a redwyne (and a mormont but jorah and lynesse have no children).

(it would require all the hightower male heirs to die [not likely, there’s three of them] AND mad maid malora as well to get to alerie but king and queen mace and alerie tyrell with willas as prince of dragonstone is so fucking funny to me. hey daeron how olenna’s ass taste now.)

before jaehaerys, we have aenys, who had rhaena the boss bitch & alysanne. alysanne’s line is jaehaerys’ obviously, and rhaena married her brother aegon the uncrowned. they had two girls, aerea and rhaella, but neither lived to see adulthood. maegor never had living kids, which brings us back to aegon, who had only sons, and visenya and rhaenys, who married their brother.

i actually had a point to this which is that there is just no one sitting on that fucking chair at the ending because there is no one left alive to sit on it that the lords would choose. they’re not crowning a penrose or a plumm and they’re certainly not crowning my girls arianne and brienne however hilarious i think that would be. i think “westeros breaks up along weird new borders” makes sense just due to that alone - the north will push for independence (maybe parts of the riverlands will want to stick with the north), dorne isn’t likely to be thrilled about some random ass king, the iron islands is…the iron islands, so the only kingdoms that might actually want to stick together are the stormlands, the reach, the crownlands, the vale, and the westerlands, but also, all of these bitches hate each other right now & a lot of them are gonna bite it so who knows.

anyways tldr female line targaryen claimants include these wild choices for King & Heir:

Selwyn and Brienne of Tarth

Doran and Arianne Nymeros Martell of Dorne

Any female line Blackfyres

Phillip and Dennis Plumm of the Westerlands (so minor we don’t even know where their seat is lmao)

Old Penrose of the Parchments

Montereys Velaryon of Driftmark

Leyton and Baelor Hightower of Oldtown

Through Leyton, who has a whopping 10 children, we have House Ambrose, Cupps, Redwyne, and of course, the fat flower himself, House Tyrell as claimants eight thru like, fifty.

[visenyaism]

Ok what do you think of the Jon's secret name is actually Theon theory

this theory came from me it is my home cooking and we are all going to be eating it. i never said i was objective

[dreaminghelaena]

asoiaf characters as youtubers

cersei: she is the CRAZIEST mukbanger ever. always has some new drama to talk about and it’s very very interesting so she has millions of subscribers. you know that meme of azealia banks’ internet feuds list? yeah that’s cersei. she’s beefed with everyone on the platform and never makes any apology videos for it. she’s had the channel since before she gave birth to joffrey and it’s still going strong. she sometimes does sponsorships but only for wine companies

tyrion: he is the vsauce of asoiaf youtube. does a lot of videos about scientific theories and experiments that get a lot of views. sometimes has drama with people but it’s not very often. he did a face reveal once he got to 3 mil and people edited picsart flower crowns onto his head and made it their pfp, so his comments are just filled with those. sometimes does his own experiments but they always end up going wrong

margaery: she does a lot of makeup tutorials!! she makes sure to use easily accessible drugstore makeup products so people can follow along. she has a couple million subscribers and is renowned as the most non-toxic makeup youtuber of all time. tried to collab with cersei but cersei didn’t show up. she also used to be a nail tech so she has a master class on that

theon: OMGGG theon is THE internet gossip youtuber ever. he’ll literally be pumping out videos about feuds hours after they started. some call him shady cause of the types of videos he makes but he doesn’t care cause he’s having fun. he also has a twitch gaming streaming channel and he is the Jerma of his universe there. he sucks at the games and does not know anything about gaming consoles or the best mics/cameras etc so he has to get computer science™ major jon to help him

sansa: sansa is a fashion design major in nyc so of COURSE she is posting lifestyle vlogs. she started the whole channel because she was featured in a few of margaery’s videos and people kept asking for her to make her own. but she is also very careful with her privacy cause she’s scared of someone finding her. she also has a second channel where she posts sims 4 videos and it’s super chill and fun over there

arya: arya’s really into self defense so she mostly posts tutorials and videos about that. she’s super super helpful in the comments but will insult people brutally when provoked. her genre isn’t as popular as the others so she has a couple hundred thousand (very loyal) subscribers. she also has a secret second channel that only has around 10k subs and everyone there gatekeeps tf out of it. she posts roblox and fortnite videos with her siblings that are really funny and entertaining. all of the girls in the comments are thirsting for robb 😭

jon: jon doesn’t post very much but when he does post it’s minecraft videos. most of the time sam is in them and sometimes robb will make an appearance but he has no idea what is going on. jon posts minecraft builds and he has his own smp (is that what they call it????) he’ll occasionally post videos about playing choices matter games like detroit become human and until dawn. sometimes ppl go ??? because during his minecraft build videos he traumadumps in the background instead of just putting on music or smth. he doesn’t show his face tho cause he’s afraid of getting made fun of

myrcella and tommen: ok they have a super secret channel that only has around 1,000 subscribers where they post videos of their cat. that’s all. people in the comments are super sweet and myrcella and tommen make an effort to respond to all of them. their videos only get like 230 views each time they post but they don’t really care they’re having fun

renly and loras: they’re posting relationship vlogs and stuff but they don’t have a filter so sometimes they talk about really nsfw stuff and get in trouble for it. they’re mostly known for their travel vlogs but they also do videos about drama in their lives that is literally insane. like once renly casually brought up how his brother almost killed him during a ouija board game and loras is like “mhm mhm” but all of the comments are ???? margaery collabs with them all of the time too

bran: 3am challenges.

[novaursa]

theory how Aegon was unable to sire children, and both Maegor and Aenys are basterds

I've always found the rumors that Aenys was a bastard to be kinda funny because in the book they only think that because Aenys was very sickly as a child and people thought there was no way that a child of the mighty conqueror could be so frail. But like this kid was the product of brother-sister incest like no wonder he was born with horrible health 😭 I can 100% believe that Maegor was conceived through blood magic though because that would explain a lot about him lol.

If I remember correctly, Rhaenys was patron of arts and she loved artists and musicians, and Aenys was a supposed product from one of those "artists".

And Visenya knew it, so, she did blood magic to conceive Maegor, because she didn't want weak bastrad Aenys sitting on the throne.

The blood magic thing, I think, also ties in theory how every child that was to be named Visenya died. Basically, she cursed her name.

Because if you think about it, Aegon had two wives and only two sons during his rule. One of them should be able to produce more heirs. I also find facts about inbreeding invalid in this case, as Targaryen ancestors all dabbled in the blood magic. They should be sterile after a generation or two of inbreeding and all die young and sickly. But they didn't. Even after they lost their dragons, which could be argued gave them more vitality through dragon-rider bond (aka blood magic). But they continued to thrive until ASOIAF events.

Anyway, as I've written in the note of that story, I find this hilarious. Especially when I'm thinking about it and watching HOTD where characters talk all serious about the prophecy thing connecting to Aegon. 🤣

[nobodysuspectsthebutterfly]

#Purple Eyes and a Space Sword. why? because theyre cool. next question.

honestly. the funniest george reorge rartin martin interview is the one where he says that the daynes aren't valyrian, they just have purple eyes because some people have purple eyes sometimes. actually hilarious george you did it again

[pessimisticpigeonsworld]

TG stans and Targaryen antis complaining about Aegon's dream getting added to HOTD is so fucking funny to me. Like it makes so many of their theories and metas about House Targaryen null and void.

But one thing that does take the enjoyment out of watching their tailspin is when they accuse GRRM or even the HOTD writers of adding it in after the fact to retcon things. This is blatantly wrong.

The Prince that was Promised prophecy is directly referenced in the dream. The propht is something that had been established by GRRM in ASOIAF. It's referenced multiple times, especially in relation to House Targaryen. It's the reason why Aerys and Rhaella were made to be married, Rhaegar talks about it in Daenerys' vision, and Maester Aemon talks about it. The only time it's not referenced in relation to the Targaryens is Melisandre and Stannis, which is a false reading of the prophecy.

The Targaryens have had dreams about apocalyptic events before, and the Prince that was Promised has massive textual significance to the house. Other houses don't talk about or even seem to know about the prophecy. Therefore, no it's not pulled out of thin air that the prophecy came to them as well as to the Red Priests, neither is it a very big leap in logic. Also, no, Aegon's dream was not made up by the HOTD writers, George was the one who brought it up to them.

So, no, Targ antis and TG stans, Aegon's dream is not something the HOTD writers or GRRM pulled out of their asses. Also the books aren't over yet, so it's not retconning anything if George writes it in (and he did), it's just revealing something he's going to go into in the books. Just because you're bitter about House Targaryen's importance and Rhaenyra's rightful claim doesn't mean you can go accusing the writers of being shitty without evidence. There's plenty of other instances of the HOTD writers being shitty that actually exist.