#asoiaf crack

[amber-laughs]

[sare11aa11eras]

Funniest thing GRRM could do w the Vale plot in TWOW is have someone organize a nice, relaxing, attendance mandatory, good old-fashioned snowball fight to ease tensions and then have Alayne Stone hitting Littlefinger in the gourd w that Patented Starkling 500mph Fastball TM and killing that man stone dead.

[almostaknight]

welcome back catelyn tully stark!

[bananacorn-limeade]

A tale they said was TOO SHOCKING for the screen.

Ladies and gentlefolk, American International Pictures presents the CINEMATIC EVENT of 1961:

A SONG of ICE and FIRE!

A Roger Corman production. Music by Albert Glasser.

Starring... well, you'll see. (Will this be a "good" movie? Absolutely not. Will costumes and hairstyles be woefully anachronistic? For sure. Will many casting choices be questionable? Indeed. Will major plot points be changed to comply with the morality clauses of the Hayes Code? You betcha!)

Starring

RICHARD CARLSON as EDDARD STARK - an HONORABLE man caught in a WEB of political intrigue!

MARIE WINDSOR as CATELYN STARK - the mother who will do ANYTHING to protect her own!

COLEEN GRAY as CERSEI LANNISTER - the BEAUTIFUL QUEEN with a TERRIBLE SECRET!

JOHN AGAR as JAIME LANNISTER - the DASHING SWORDSMAN who SHOULDN'T be TRUSTED!

MICHAEL DUNN as TYRION LANNISTER - the HALF MAN with BIG APPETITES!

BASIL RATHBONE as Tywin Lannister - the STRATEGIST with a HEART of ICE!

RAYMOND BURR as ROBERT BARATHEON - the king who LOVED WINE - almost as much as he LOVED WOMEN!

JUNE KENNEY as DAENERYS TARGARYEN - the PRINCESS from an EXOTIC LAND!

ROBERT REED as RENLY BARATHEON - the HANDSOME KING all of Westeros WANTED!

GLENN LANGAN as STANNIS BARATHEON - the HEIR who WOULDN'T BACK DOWN!

ALLISON HAYES as MELISANDRE - the sultry RED WOMAN no king could deny!

With...

ANTHONY DEXTER as the SCHEMING Petyr Baelish!

LON CHANEY JR as the TERRIFYING Sandor Clegane!

and TOR JOHNSON as THE BROTHER who MADE him a MONSTER!

...And Introducing...

MICHAEL LANDON as JON SNOW - a TORTURED SOUL at the EDGE of the WORLD!

JOHN ASHLEY as ROBB STARK - the BOY KING marching to his DOOM!

DOLORES FAITH as SANSA STARK - the fair princess TRAPPED by a WICKED queen!

DAWN BENDER as ARYA STARK - a LITTLE GIRL with LOTS OF FIGHT!

and newcomer JACK NICHOLSON as THEON GREYJOY - the rogue who HIDES behind a SMILE!

THE INTRIGUE

THE SUSPENSE

The Song of Ice and Fire!

[g0lightly]

I will never be normal about them 🩵

[anameorsomthing]

We need a prequel of Stannis and Jon Arryn in kings landing uncovering the truth about the Lannisters. Shittiest buddy comedy of the year.

[tweedfrog]

[blackbyrenflowers]

I think part of Rhaegar's in-universe charm was that he was the only emo guy in Westeros. It's like that whole "X could kill a medieval peasant" meme - Westeros had no natural defenses against moody guys who wrote poetry and sang about sad stuff, of course Lyanna and Elia and Cersei and Jon were all going to fall in love with him.

[alaynasansa]

Alicent and Aemond be like

[lennaire]

One of my fav parts from asoiaf is how inaccurate and slow word travel/news is. Like high lord drama or wars, the small folk don't get ravens or anything so it's so inaccurate. One person comments on lady Lysa and another's like, "Oh, yeah, she died. Like a month ago."

Another comments on the war of the five kings, like a prisoner is like, "Long live king Renly!" And the soldier comments, "King Renly died, Lady Catelyn stabbed him." Which is inaccurate.

Someone comments on Ned, saying they've got to send a letter to Winterfell and that he'd probably approve the request. Another person in the tavern has to explain that "lord Stark lost his head weeks ago at King's Landing".

Not many know of Jofferys death until a drunk knight comments on it in a bar. They decide "good riddens" and "next drinks on me".

[asongofstarkandtargaryen]

Somewhere in the future Jon names his first born " Robb" after his beloved brother ( like he has already expressed that wants to do).

In the afterlife where all the asoiaf dead characters are gathered, Robb is crying tears of joy while also hugging his dad ( the hug is awkward bc Ned is also holding his head in his arms). Meanwhile, Rhaegar and Robert finally found something they agree on: they do not like the name choice.

[amber-laughs]

grrm has a real knack for writing men who cower in the corner due to the overwhelming shame of their mere existence while simultaneously saying to themselves “i am the hottest girl in this grocery store” twice per page. jaime, theon, jon etc etc

[sare11aa11eras]

Oh so when my BROTHER rebels and declares himself king in response to Lord Stark’s wrongful execution he’s taking down a madman and his tyrannical rule, but when *I* do it, I’m “ignoring the laws of inheritance that say Stannis should inherit if Robert dies without legitimate heirs” and “attention seeking”. I see how it is.

[almostaknight]

jaime begging rhaegar and arthur not to leave him behind:

[dreaminghelaena]

asoiaf characters as youtubers

cersei: she is the CRAZIEST mukbanger ever. always has some new drama to talk about and it’s very very interesting so she has millions of subscribers. you know that meme of azealia banks’ internet feuds list? yeah that’s cersei. she’s beefed with everyone on the platform and never makes any apology videos for it. she’s had the channel since before she gave birth to joffrey and it’s still going strong. she sometimes does sponsorships but only for wine companies

tyrion: he is the vsauce of asoiaf youtube. does a lot of videos about scientific theories and experiments that get a lot of views. sometimes has drama with people but it’s not very often. he did a face reveal once he got to 3 mil and people edited picsart flower crowns onto his head and made it their pfp, so his comments are just filled with those. sometimes does his own experiments but they always end up going wrong

margaery: she does a lot of makeup tutorials!! she makes sure to use easily accessible drugstore makeup products so people can follow along. she has a couple million subscribers and is renowned as the most non-toxic makeup youtuber of all time. tried to collab with cersei but cersei didn’t show up. she also used to be a nail tech so she has a master class on that

theon: OMGGG theon is THE internet gossip youtuber ever. he’ll literally be pumping out videos about feuds hours after they started. some call him shady cause of the types of videos he makes but he doesn’t care cause he’s having fun. he also has a twitch gaming streaming channel and he is the Jerma of his universe there. he sucks at the games and does not know anything about gaming consoles or the best mics/cameras etc so he has to get computer science™ major jon to help him

sansa: sansa is a fashion design major in nyc so of COURSE she is posting lifestyle vlogs. she started the whole channel because she was featured in a few of margaery’s videos and people kept asking for her to make her own. but she is also very careful with her privacy cause she’s scared of someone finding her. she also has a second channel where she posts sims 4 videos and it’s super chill and fun over there

arya: arya’s really into self defense so she mostly posts tutorials and videos about that. she’s super super helpful in the comments but will insult people brutally when provoked. her genre isn’t as popular as the others so she has a couple hundred thousand (very loyal) subscribers. she also has a secret second channel that only has around 10k subs and everyone there gatekeeps tf out of it. she posts roblox and fortnite videos with her siblings that are really funny and entertaining. all of the girls in the comments are thirsting for robb 😭

jon: jon doesn’t post very much but when he does post it’s minecraft videos. most of the time sam is in them and sometimes robb will make an appearance but he has no idea what is going on. jon posts minecraft builds and he has his own smp (is that what they call it????) he’ll occasionally post videos about playing choices matter games like detroit become human and until dawn. sometimes ppl go ??? because during his minecraft build videos he traumadumps in the background instead of just putting on music or smth. he doesn’t show his face tho cause he’s afraid of getting made fun of

myrcella and tommen: ok they have a super secret channel that only has around 1,000 subscribers where they post videos of their cat. that’s all. people in the comments are super sweet and myrcella and tommen make an effort to respond to all of them. their videos only get like 230 views each time they post but they don’t really care they’re having fun

renly and loras: they’re posting relationship vlogs and stuff but they don’t have a filter so sometimes they talk about really nsfw stuff and get in trouble for it. they’re mostly known for their travel vlogs but they also do videos about drama in their lives that is literally insane. like once renly casually brought up how his brother almost killed him during a ouija board game and loras is like “mhm mhm” but all of the comments are ???? margaery collabs with them all of the time too

bran: 3am challenges.

[bluemandycat]

i love vaegon