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acok dash simulator

🐺 winterscumming

i’m sorry but the lannisters licherally can’t expect us to just ignore what they did to our liege lord lmao???? sitting up there on that jank throne like i won’t answer the summons as soon as lord starks’ kid calls the banners goddddds the blonde hair makes those cunts stupid. also the incest probably. what is the north known for again??? forgetting??? that’s what i thought…….

🦁 gains-of-castamere

typical northern scum lmao. bring up the ‘incest’ allegations all you want but nobody’s ever allowed to mention stark’s actual bastard as if it’s just, like, fine????? we’ll see who’s laughing when king joffrey seizes your lands and holdfasts ig

🧜‍♂️ womanderly

cersei lannister isn’t gonna fuck you bro

⛓️ iron-pryce

you will never fucking guess what i saw lady asha and lord greyjoy’s other kid doing on the docks today ohhhhhhhh my god

🍑 rainbowhard

LORAS TYRELL BESTED BY A WENCH THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFEEEEE

🦄 renlybrocade

she should’ve killed him the realm can afford to lose one twink

❤️‍🔥 rhollor-wifee

the comet is a sign of his coming

🦊 flor-aunt-it

me and the comet are making out sloppy style

❤️‍🔥 rhollor-wifee

you will burn

⬛️ dontcallmecrow

not my ass going on the great ranging lmao i should’ve deserted 🙏😭

🐻 lordcommandr

Report to command tent. Immediately.

⬛️ dontcallmecrow

oh my god

🛶 c-bitch

they really expect me to follow this metrosexual into battle. ok. gold price looking nepo baby cunt he fucking shot todric and i’m just supposed to steal a castle with him. ok!!!!!! i miss asha……..

🩸 reek

heyyyyyyy i’m in the dungeon fornormal reasons does someone wannacome say hi?

🦑 princee-of-winterfell

ok lol

🐉 that-one-loyalist

i swear to fucking god i just saw daenerys targaryen burn down the house of the undying????? queen???? hello???

🐴 in-the-whoarde

likely place for her to be

⚓️ sonsshine

i love my dad i love boats this is great we’re going to blackwater next i’m sure our victory will be righteous in the eyes of our lord

⚓️ sonsshine

⛵️💥💥💥☠️🟩🟩🌊🌊⛓️🔥🔥🔥⛵️⛵️🟩🟩🌊⛵️🔥🔥🔥🔥💥💥⛓️⛓️⛓️👨‍👦‍👦☠️☠️ ⛵️💥💥💥☠️🟩🟩🌊🌊⛓️🔥🔥🔥⛵️⛵️🟩🟩🌊⛵️🔥🔥🔥🔥💥💥⛓️⛓️⛓️👨‍👦‍👦☠️☠️

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i do love modern aus though like i have an elaborate asoiaf modern au in my mind thats like a succession style battle to be CEO. luckily because of child labor laws and the fall of feudalism it would be a lot less bloody but everyone would be scheming even harder because of it. the iron islands merger went really poorly so they still mostly have their own shit going on out in the seattle branch. balon lives on vashon and falls off a ferry on his daily commute. stannis and renly are cio and cmo and ned is coo, littlefinger is cfo, varys is cdo, and the kingsguard is hr and security. only stannis petyr and ned actually have any kind of business degree. the great houses are all major shareholders which is why they gaf. the lannisters run a technically separate company which the crown is deeply in debt to. the wall is their shitty canadian branch/sister company that gets no funding but which continues existing for legal purposes purposes so they can maintain a monopoly on canadian markets even though most of the business goes through the main american branch. i have no idea if that actually how business works but im pretending it is. sandor is the baratheons evil live in nanny & later the starks erstwhile babysitter. dragonstone is upstate and stannis and co. all live together in a stupidly large house that robert forced upon him. shireen is homeschooled and melisandre is a theosophist. i guess it would make more sense if it was set in england or whatever but i dont know anything about british people or their economic centers so i don't care

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Modern Selysse be like "this is my boyfriend Stannis, and this is his boyfriend Davos"

I mean normal Selyse has it even more complicated. This is my husband Stannis, and his boyfriend Davos, and Davos's arch enemy Melisandre, who is also Stannis's mistress.

People wanna talk about Targaryeans and their poly relationships, they ain't nothing compared to the Dragonstone Baratheons and whatever the fuck is going on with them.

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ASOIAF modern AU class/wealth distinctions bc in the wise words of Mod Sam from the Inn at The Crossroads Discord: “i love modern aus where theyre like oh yeah the lannisters are filthy rich and here's the starks, piling into a minivan to go to public school. they would not fucking do that”

Lannisters: Private jets and COO/CEO/CFO positions at the family company and plain white tshirts that cost $5000. 1% of the 1%. They’re the Roys we already know this no need to elaborate.

Starks: they’re a rugged type of Minnesota/North Dakota/Wyoming wealth. Land rich. Own ranches and mining operations and oil drilling companies. Ppl think they’re normal bc they look like average farmers until they get a tour of their 300,000 acres and private mountain. Seem down to earth but grew up breeding ranch horses, don’t really understand what a car note is, and Nedcat paid for all the starklings college apartments. Also wear normal looking vests and ranching jeans and boots that cost absurd amounts

Tyrells: masters at the “quiet wealth” bullshit. Wayyyy older money compared to the Lannisters, and aren’t aggressive/scrappy like them bc of it. Literal aristocracy like lords or barons or some shit. Multiple residences, family tradition of politics, and loads of passive income. Maybe run a newspaper or two and own some global shipping companies bc of their merchant roots or whatever. Margaery was at one of those international debutante balls for the ubër-wealthy.

Tullys: Not as rich as the Tyrells or Lannisters but still nothing to scoff at. Not upper middle class but more like lower rungs of the upper class. Family tradition of sending all the kids to boarding school (that’s where Lysa got pregnant 🙂‍↕️) and they have some nice yachts and the like. Have one really nice permanent house on the river, a summer house upstate, and an apartment in the city. Normal enough to blend in with most people at their school. Also made their money thru shipping lanes.

Martells: Southern oil barons. Nymeria emigrated over and immediately discovered oil on her apparently shitty piece of land. Thousands of acres dedicated to drilling and cattle ranching. Awful for the environment but greenwash the fuck out of their business. Good at being a man of the ppl despite literally being in the one percent. Very publicly donate to progressive charities and causes to offset the backlash they get from pay the people who work for them slave wages. People stan them on Twitter because they’re hot and not like other billionaires.

Baratheons: slightly newer money but old enough to have no excuse to act the way they do. Loud annoying displays of wealth. Made their fortune mostly because they were good at being overly aggressive when it came to the stock market or sales or smthn idk what they do. Robert buys an egregious house in Florida where him and some other rich repulsive republicans do Labor Day weekend on their yachts with women they paid to be there. Absolutely terrible at saving their money (except Stannis and kinda Renly) and quite literally have to have their accounts frozen by their investment bankers. Actively going bankrupt.

Greyjoys: Not even rich anymore. Had a sizable shipping company at one point before they got poached bought out by the Lannisters. Also they engaged in too much tax fraud and embezzlement so now no one wants to touch them with a ten foot pole. Still live in their dilapidated cliffside house that’s literally ab to crumble into the sea. Theon got to live with the Starks bc once the Greyjoys got audited Ned felt bad.

Targaryens: REAL old money that stretches back like at least 500 years. Have had multiple income sources over the years and almost all of it is blood money of some kind and extracted through violence :) Giant ass portraits of their ancestors in their multiple residences, they all speak Valyrian at home, and they don’t even go to school it’s just private tutors. Obscene wealth that isn’t even fathomable to most people. Famously bred race horses and hunting dogs for a while until there was some familial infighting about ownership of the racetracks and stables and that collapsed. Got audited and investigated twenty years ago and Aerys just killed himself instead of going to jail.

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low effort stannises

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stannis baratheon single after the divorce, wife takes everything in the divorce (good for her, she's gonna spend it on her new younger gf and her new religious mlm), now spending all his time at work. living in his friend davos' spare room. davos angrily goes "shireen needs a father!!!" wake up call. starts watching youtube tutorials on crochet and minecraft and baking and makeup to bond with his daughter. shireen mentions chappell roan and davos finds stannis stone cold silent listening to GOOD LUCK BABE on shitty wire headphones. takes time off to make loom band bracelets with shireen at the park. wears her homemade beanies ("daddy your bald head will get cold") when he picks her up from school.

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enough with the "who haunts the narrative?" olympics. let's talk about who doesn't haunt the narrrative. jon arryn's death kickstarts the entire plot and STILL no one gaf

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modern asoiaf stannis baratheon goes to see a real pain in cinemas by himself because of kieran culkin (succession special interest strikes again) and he nearly crashes his car on the drive back and when he gets home he doesn’t even change out of his outside clothes (which is always first order of business) he just sits down nexts to davos on the sofa and cries and cries and cries until he throws up because let’s be real he definitely needs to be on some form of medication

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thank you so much for this addition this is the smartest thing i’ve ever heard

modern asoiaf davos seaworth crashing out after shireen whatsapps him an apple music link to gigi perez’s sailor song and having to just deal with there being a song about sailors out there with the lyrics “i don’t believe in god but i believe that you’re my saviour” like he genuinely can’t handle it he has a mild panic attack once a month concerning this topic. anyway he loves stannis a lot that’s all.

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Hopefully you're still taking requests. Can you draw Melisandre and her Male Wife (Stannis) ? :)

so i uh got. Extremely carried away with this sorry. an intricate look into the dragonstone polycule (based on “what a beauty!” by theo van den boogard)

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modern asoiaf davos seaworth crashing out after shireen whatsapps him an apple music link to gigi perez’s sailor song and having to just deal with there being a song about sailors out there with the lyrics “i don’t believe in god but i believe that you’re my saviour” like he genuinely can’t handle it he has a mild panic attack once a month concerning this topic. anyway he loves stannis a lot that’s all.

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modern asoiaf the court case of who takes over the baratheon family business has become televised at renly’s insistence because of how insane it is (forced to resign in shame because of various scandals robert vs. universally disliked because of his offputting vibes and doesn’t actually want to be there but is lowkey the only one who knows how to run the business stannis vs. fun twink youngest brother who’s never worked anywhere in his life but a panera bread when he was sixteen renly vs. the daughter of the guy robert muscled out of the business nearly two decades ago who’s literally fresh of out highschool and takes her freaky lizards with her everywhere dany vs. robert’s teen incel son who legally can’t even be employed anywhere yet joffrey vs, some random guy who has worked a minimum wage job in the basement abusing the poor teenage interns for fourty years and now thinks he’s entitled to the company balon) and everyone is loving the attention and amassing support online for their various claims except for stannis who’s finding the whole thing really stressful and confusing because it’s Right that he would win the case why are the others even trying? until one night davos comes home from work to find stannis wrapped up under at least four weighted blankets on their bed watching edits of himself to lana del rey songs on his work ipad, grinning like a madman “davos! they’re comparing me to kendall roy! i’m kendall roy!”

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I simply don't want to talk about Stannis Baratheon with people who aren't aware that he's autistic and eldest sister-coded and a deeply repressed gay man and that a significant (unacknowledged by either party) component of his resentment of Renly had to do with Renly's comparative self-respect and ability to let himself love and be loved by other men

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stannis baratheon is just so stressed criminal prosecutor, high school vice principal and tax accountant vibes

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modern asoiaf autistic stannis baratheon whose special interest is succession (because he knows it… he lives it) and (bare with me) some of davos’ younger sons come to visit during their university easter break a few months after stannis and davos have properly gotten back together (for good this time fingers crossed) and they’re excited to properly get to know their dad’s boyfriend whom they’d met when they were little a few times but never really understood the vibe of, and when they get there it’s nice and lovely and they get to spend time with their dad and new step-sister whom they immediately love - but stannis is holed up in his home office literally the whole time, they just presume he’s like a workaholic or something and offhandedly mention it when stannis is late for dinner one night and davos is just like “oh no he’s looking at succession analysis on pinterest” and his sons are like “??” and shireen just nods solemnly; anyway fast forward to a few weekends after the boys come back down, trying to make spending time with their dad a more regular thing, but when they arrive there’s like a weird vibe building up between stannis and davos and they keep giving eachother funny looks and having hushed arguments late at night,, davos’ sons are like “that’s the sound of a fucking divorce” but don’t say anything until the situation comes to a climax when they’re all preparing dinner one night and stannis and davos are having one of their half-fights-without-words, eventually stannis blurts out (very confusingly) something along the lines of “i just can’t find a way to fit you into my succession… mind world! and it’s pissing me off!” and without missing a beat davos says “i could do coke off shireen’s ipad”; everyone in the kitchen is silent in vague bewilderment, and then (to their further surprise) davos’ sons hear stannis laugh for the first time since knowing him. bottom line is davos is one of the only people in the world who can make stannis laugh, anyway alexa play me and my husband by mitski.

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can someone please get this girl her dog back