#fun fact: so not fun but also fun but there no nice way to put it i have a moaning problem
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op's tags: #m. butterfly#m butterfly#david cronenberg#filmgifs#filmdaily#moviegifs#john lone#jeremy irons#my posts#jielin's edits#mbutterflygifs#a lil nervous making this post but i've been too consumed by this movie not to#i deserve one nice gifset fo it on this site#the way it's all about performance and the gaze...... i'm feral#how it understands the illusory nature of reality... *dies*#sll being a dan actor is the very performance of the male gaze#sll performs for the public and also performs for the delusional and limited gaze of one man#the former and latter looking at the same thing but seeing different things#like. literally rene passing by the 藏头诗 scrolls at the entrance of sll's home multiple times jfc#the information is literally presented in your face! you just don't/can't see it!#(here's me giving the prop designer a BIG KISS MUAH)#then how rene eventually transforms into the performance of the oriental gaze in an auditorium of western men casting gaze at him...crazyy..#no matter how the story is being read by ppl it's ironic when ppl insist on labelling and putting sll into boxes#does it not feel like sll being subjected to a performance in court with the gaze of foreigners who are resolved to#scrutinise and define sll's life. so exactly the way sll unapologetically resists - no explanations owed#and fun fact. on the day i rewatched this a butterfly lovers skit was playing on tv. serendipity. lies down and weep
He was very responsive to my ancient Oriental ways of love. All of which I invented myself, just for him.
M. BUTTERFLY (1993) dir. David Cronenberg
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it’s not that spirk just “Went Canon” (although it’s fun to say) it’s that Unification gave fans a chance to see a conclusion to their story together… in a way that suits their relationship as it has Always been portrayed—Those guys are literally famous for being Together. it’s just nice to see it.
Spirk itself is schrodinger’s ship. it was designed to be ambiguous! since 1979 their relationship to each other has canonically been T’hy’la—friend, brother, lover—it is intended to be interpreted as any of those three definitions. as a trekkie, you have the choice to view it however you want!!!
also, Star Trek, as an IP, has had nearly 6 decades to be modified and molded by numerous writers and producers. there are countless events and characters that are “canon,” but what does that even mean? Like, for example, Paramount can wheel out an entire new series 50 years after the original material was released, and retroactively establish that Spock “canonically” had an adopted sister all along. Just because a soulless corporation wants to milk the property for all it’s worth, doesn’t mean You have to change Your understanding of the story. It’s fiction. It’s art. Its value and meaning as a whole is entirely subjective. That is, if I chose to Only consume original series content, then that is all that is canon to me! Retroactive changes cannot fundamentally alter what was put forth in the original material! Maybe that means putting blinders on (“that’s not canon TO ME”) but you do in fact have the ability to pick and choose what you want to accept in the narrative!
All that to say, spirk has been roddenberry-canon for 45 years already… for those with eyes to see. Maybe this is a radical/purist stance, but Unification doesn’t need to be accepted as canon, nor does the Generations film, or even any of the AOS films. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all fanfiction of the source material. So, if the roddenberry archives want to drop a deepfake short film where these old guys hold hands and stare lovingly into each other’s eyes, uh, cheers to that bro. i’ll add it to my personal canon it as i see fit lol
#sometimes things happen and i realize just how opinionated I am about star trek#anyway idc if im delusional#look my mom was an og trekkie in 1966 like SHE is the one who taught me u can just completely disregard all trek content past tos#maybe it’s silly as hell but MAN… star trek is so important to me idgaf#also theres much to be said about the ethics behind the production of unification but im not even gonna go there#star trek#tos#spirk
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Little Black Dress (Beomgyu Fic)
-> Pairing: Beomgyu x afab! Reader
-> Plot: You don’t have a crush on Choi Beomgyu… so why are you getting ready to see him at a party?
-> Genre: smut, college student! Beomgyu x college student! Reader, dom! Beomgyu, sub! Reader, fingering, piv sex, doggy, no protection (wrap it up), both reader and beomgyu are drunk,
-> Ft. Belle from Kiss of Life and Soobin (he catches some strays, sorry)
-> Warnings: none
-> Word Count: 2,709
-> Notes: I just wanna thank you guys again for getting my leehan fic to 35 notes in 3 days like that’s actually crazy to me! I hope you enjoy this little fic! Also I did not proofread this but I wanted to get it out today please excuse any mistakes in spelling thank you!
-> Fun fact: Beomgyu is my ult bias and TXT is my ult group
༄ ༄ ༄
It was embarrassing enough that you wanted his attention. It was even more embarrassing the lengths you’d go to get that attention. When it boiled down to it, Choi Beomgyu was the root of all your problems. If it wasn’t for Choi Beomgyu, you would’ve won the 7th grade science fair. If it wasn’t for Choi Beomgyu, you would’ve been valedictorian of your high school. If it wasn’t for Choi Beomgyu, you wouldn’t be scrambling to get ready for this party right now.
It was the last party you would attend before finals week and you knew Beomgyu would be there. You curse yourself for letting it get to this point. Beomgyu was always better than you, always one step ahead of you.
You don’t know what you were trying to achieve by dressing up and looking hot at this party, but you didn’t care. You just wanted Beomgyu to think of you as anything other than a nerd who wasn’t even as smart as him. With your makeup done, you turn to find an outfit.
“Which dress do you think looks better?”
You turn to your roommate, Belle. Holding up a short, silky, dark blue dress in the left hand and a long sleeved, short, strappy black dress in the right.
“The blue one looks cute and comfortable. But if you want Beomgyu to fuck you, I say go with the black one.”
“I do not want Beomgyu to fuck me”
You said, rolling your eyes at her, but still going with the black dress anyways. You didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that you did, ever so slightly, have a crush on Beomgyu. You knew for a while, since high school, when he started dressing better and grew into his face more. It became lustful when you got to college as he grew taller than you had expected and he was very lean, his long black wolf cut and blonde highlights the subject of many sleepless nights for you. You shook your head at the thought and put on the black dress, while Belle took the blue one you didn’t choose to wear. After pregaming with 2 shots, you felt good enough to start walking over to the party. Being a lightweight, 2 shots was enough to have you feeling buzzed. You quickly grabbed your things, keys, purse, phone, and headed out.
༄ ༄ ༄
Upon arriving at the party, you see your friends Kai and Taehyun. You go over with Belle to greet them. When they notice you guys coming up to them, they pull you into hugs.
“Hey guys! Finally you’re here!” Kai says, laughing.
“I was ready, it was Y/N that took her time.”
“It’s the last party of the semester, forgive me for wanting to look nice.” you retort.
“Alright, alright, enough with this. Wanna grab a drink? Me and Kai just finished our cups”
Taehyun says, breaking up your little argument. You both nod and follow them to the kitchen that the drinks were in. After taking another shot, you decided to just chill with your little group for now, saying hello to some other friends here and there.
༄ ༄ ༄
A little while later, 5 shots in, you start feeling a little drunk, and decide to drag Belle and your friends to the little group of people dancing in the middle of the living room. It’s as you’re dancing with Belle that you catch a glimpse of Beomgyu, who was looking straight at you. A smirk finds its way onto his face, knowing he’s been caught looking at you, but he doesn’t look away. It’s then that you notice your cheeks feeling hot, though you don’t know if it’s from the alcohol or if it was because you were blushing under his gaze.
Beomgyu always had a little crush on you. Ever since elementary school where he first saw you. He was always too shy to say anything to you though, always opting to hang out with his friends rather than go up and talk to you. When he got that first grade back that was better than yours, he saw how you sulked and felt bad. He wanted to apologize but it seemed that you had gotten over it rather quickly, so he didn’t feel the need to do so. As the years went by, he could tell that the better he got, the more furious it made you. He liked the attention it brought to him from you, always telling him how you’d do better than him on the next test, even though you never did. He felt that, even though you hated him– or so he thought– that the negative attention it brought him was better than potentially getting rejected by you, so he opted for teasing you about his better grades instead, always making it a point to study harder than you to get those good grades. And the way you were shying away from his stare right now had his chest swelling with pride.
“I have to use the bathroom,”
He ripped his eyes away from you, glaring at his best friend, Soobin, for having the bladder of a hamster.
“You’ve only had 3 drinks dude.”
“I can’t help it! The bathroom door doesn’t lock, I need you to stand outside and make sure no one comes in while I pee!”
He groaned at the taller male, ultimately following him to the bathroom and waiting outside the door for him. Beomgyu was only slightly drunk, but he could feel the effects of the 4 drinks he had starting to kick in. A couple minutes later, Soobin came stumbling out of the bathroom.
“Damn dude are you alright?” Beomgyu asked, concerned for his best friend.
“Yeah, I’m alright. Do you need to go? I’ll wait for you out here.”
Beomgyu nodded, taking the opportunity to use the bathroom before Soobin got too drunk. The time this happened, he had to carry Soobin home on his shoulders while holding his pee in. He did not want to go through that again. As he was washing his hands, he didn’t expect you to come stumbling into the bathroom.
“Oh, I didn’t know you were in here, I’m sorry,” you said, your words slightly slurred, about to leave before his next comment made your ears perk up. He scoffed,
“Dumber than me and no common courtesy? I should’ve figured”
“Excuse me?”
You turned around on your heel, hoping he didn’t actually say what you had heard. Figuring that Soobin probably forgot that he was supposed to stand outside the door and decided to walk off, he looks up at you.
“Who walks into the bathroom without knocking? The door was closed.”
“Why didn’t you lock the door then?”
“Locks broken. I had Soobin waiting outside for me but I guess he left.”
“He probably couldn’t stand your insufferable ass anyways.”
He looks at you with an amused expression on his face. He walks closer to you, kicking the door close behind you in the process. He leans into your ear,
“I’m insufferable?”
He lets out a small chuckle, the close proximity of his mouth to your ear sending shivers down your spine.
“Y-yes. Yes, Choi Beomgyu, you’re insufferable.”
“God, I love it when you say my full name.”
All while he’s breathing into your ear. He smirks as your stutter, knowing that his stance is getting to you. You can’t help the arousal that’s pooling between your thighs right now, the way he’s talking into your ear has you rubbing them together slowly.
“Can you get out? I want to use the bathroom,”
You say, trying to move away from him. Unfortunately, the small bathroom didn’t provide much room for you to move, trapped between the door and the sink, and Beomgyu of course.
“Admit that you want me, and I’ll leave.”
This time, he moved his face away from your ear and looked at you face-to-face, his mere inches apart from yours.
“I’m not gonna admit something that isn’t true. Now move.”
You try your hardest to sound as commanding as possible, but to no avail. Your voice comes out broken, the effect of the alcohol in your system on display.
“Oh yeah? Then why are you rubbing your thighs together like you need me?”
You didn’t know what to say and instead avoided his gaze. He takes his hand and holds your jaw lightly, having you face him.
“Say you don’t want me right now and I’ll get out. I promise.”
But you don’t say anything. You don’t want to admit that you want him but the ache in your core is telling you otherwise. Your eyes are pleading with him, hoping that he won’t force you to say it and will just fuck you instead. He gets the memo, releasing your jaw from his hold, moving both his hands down to your waist to pull you in for a kiss. Your arms instantly wrap around his neck.
The kiss is hungry, your moans coming out immediately at the contact. He takes this opportunity to gently slide his tongue into your mouth. You slightly tug on his long hair, causing him to bite your lip as he pulls away.
“I like when you pull my hair.”
He says to you, attaching his lips to your neck. He’s a little harsh, biting down on you like a chew toy, but you love it, continuing to pull his hair. He moves his hands around your body, stopping at your ass and giving it a good squeeze.
“You look so sexy in this little black dress.”
“I’m glad you like it, I wore it for you.”
“Did you now? I knew you wanted me. ”
His tone is cocky, but you love it. You only moan as a response, wanting him to touch you where you needed it the most.
“Please touch me, Beomgyu. I need it.”
“Fuck, normally I’d have you beg more but I can’t wait.”
He hikes your dress up before slipping his fingers into your wet slit.
“And no panties either? I didn’t know you were such a slut.”
The comments came rolling off of his tongue, only making you want him more.
“Shut up,”
You basically mewled back at him as he was working his fingers along your slit. He unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down along with his boxers. His hard dick sprung out, finally free from its confines. You looked down at it. It was a lot bigger than you thought. He looked at your expression and laughed before inserting two fingers into your arousal. You let out a loud gasp as the intrusion, not expecting him to put them in right away.
“I know it’s big honey, you’re drooling. I’d have you on your knees for me, but I need to be in you now,”
He says. He thrusts his fingers in a few more times, making sure you’re prepped and ready for him. He makes you face the mirror, going in from behind.
“Watch yourself as I ruin you on my cock,”
He says before sliding in. He lets out a long sigh, waiting for you to adjust before moving.
“M-move,”
Is all you can say, knowing you’ll start slurring if you say anything more. The room is spinning, partly due to the alcohol, but mostly because of the way Beomgyu starts slamming his hips into you. He grips your waist tight, moving you back and forth to meet his thrusts. Eventually, you start rocking yourself back onto him, wanting more. The way he has you chasing his thrusts only makes his smirk grow wider.
“You’re so eager for my cock baby, keep fucking yourself onto me.”
You can’t respond as you start to move yourself on him faster. His hand snakes around your neck, pulling you into a sloppy kiss, taking over again as his other hand holds you in place, thrusting into you faster and deeper than before. You can’t keep the kiss going as your moans grow uncontrollable, your walls fluttering around his dick.
“I’m s-so clo-ose Beomgyu, please…”
“You’re so fucking sexy when you beg for my dick”
Your whining and begging has him speeding up, not knowing how much longer he can last with you around him.
“Do it, come for me Y/N.”
His words are all it takes before you’re coming hard all around him, dripping down onto his cock. He pulls out and pulls your dress up higher before finishing on your ass. He gives it a good slap, to which you yelp, before grabbing some toilet paper to clean you off. You’re both panting really hard, silently trying to catch your breath and stop the room from spinning as much.
“Wow, you came a lot! It even dripped onto the floor a bit!”
“That’s your cum, dumbass.”
“Oh”
You stand up, pulling your dress down before stretching, the way you were arching your back earlier making you feel stiff.
“Now will you admit that you wanted me?”
“No. But I can’t lie, you were really good.”
He pulls you into a hug, which confused you.
“If you couldn’t tell, I like you Y/N. And I know you like me too. But if you aren’t ready to admit your feelings for me yet, it's okay. I’ll wait. But you have number, let me know if you want to do this again when we’re not drunk.”
He gives you one last, slow kiss before letting go, walking out of the bathroom and leaving you to yourself. You smile, using the bathroom and fixing yourself before heading out. Feeling a lot more sober now, you approach your friends.
“Finally you’re back! You were gone for like 20 minutes. Is everything okay?”
Belle asks, shouting through the loud music. You just smile and nod, think about the events that just transpired. The party dies down after a bit, you and Belle agreeing that now is a good time to leave. As you leave, you catch Beomgyu’s eyes again, but this time he winks at you. Smiling back at him, you walk back to your dorm.
༄ ༄ ༄
“Okay so can you tell me what happened and why you took 20 minutes in the bathroom?”
You sigh. Of course she would ask the moment you got back in the dorm. You’re surprised she didn’t ask you on the way back.
“You were right. I did want Beomgyu to fuck me. And he did…”
“WHAT?!” WHY WOULDN’T YOU TELL ME BEFORE!”
You cover your ears dramatically, signaling her to quiet down as it was quiet hours at the dorms.
“First of all, stop shouting. Second, it was too loud at the party. Plus I like keeping you in suspense. But yeah he basically confessed that he likes me and he told me that he knew I liked him but said he’d wait for me to tell him myself.”
“Wow, I didn’t think he was so mature. But finally you admit that you like him. I was going crazy”
She says as she plops onto her bed.
“When you guys do eventually get together, please don’t fuck him while I’m here. I don’t wanna hear you moaning for him.”
“Fuck you”
#starrihan#beomgyu#beomgyu smut#choi beomgyu#choi beomgyu smut#txt#txt smut#tubatu#tubatu smut#tomorrow x together#tomorrow by together smut#tomorrow x together smut#kpop#kpop smut#tomorrow by together#smut
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Leo learns something about himself 🏳️⚧️
Based roughly on this old post.
Bonus:
[Leo is taking the fact that he was born biologically female simultaneously very well and also not so well but overall he’s mostly coping with the fact that it was Draxum that just essentially gave him the turtle equivalent of ‘The Talk’.]
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rise leo#trans leonardo#trans leo#rottmnt headcanons#turtle art tag#rise draxum#happy pride everyone~#if you’re wondering why there’s no backgrounds that’s because my files got messed up so just blankness in the bg sorry#but yeah!#this is forever and always my fav headcanon for Leo it makes too much sense to me#I wanted to make sure I got it done in time for pride haha#I don’t know if it’s obvious by the end but Draxum ran off because he was for once doing something nice for Leo#that being leading him somewhere else not in front of everyone so Leo can process the fact that he was born female in peace haha#(but he also just - wanted to avoid the ensuing awkward Talk as long as he could lol)#“how would Leo NOT know��’ he had an inkling but never thought much of it because he’s a teenage turtle mutant with no access to healthcare#also yeah that’s splinter’s hand at the end there I just KNOW he’d want those pics#also also - Leo here can technically be trans or even intersex in some way too#both is good#making this made me remember why I never do color#at least for comics#it just takes sooo long#but it was fun and worth it for my fave hc#this is like the first time I’ve drawn Draxum and man he’s kinda hard to draw#also their sizes are just 1 2 and 3 because Draxum had a simple system in place for sizing his subjects#(aka I was too lazy to think of anything else to put there)#also dunno if anyone noticed but look at Raph’s paper and look at his baby’s self’s photo
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:D :D :D
Spot it is just so good Like amazing! You did such a banger job on it!
And Friend!! I get it! I get the writing spirit sometimes too! (got it now. I am scheming. But it needs to be GOOD so it will be a bit slower than usual :3)
I love that nightmare first made sure they had the basics. and now he can jsut enjoy it and relax while watching them slowly improve. Ngihtmare isn't in a hurry. he feels secure and confident. They can take all the time in the world to improve. Nightmare will support them eveyr step of the way.
I love the differences. Sure them being in sync is cool and awesome. But them all having VEry different styles and specialtise and still being able to work together is even cooler! Because it shows that tehy learned from one another. it shows their personalities and that even if they share the job they have their own way of doing it and that is accepted and worked with!
okay but the idea that killer is seen as a feral animal is fun. Ngihtmare jsut puts them ina room wiht the feral raccoon that is killer and sits back and watches. It always works out great! :D
I love how you show they are also still getting into the rhythm of being with nightamre. of figuring out where they stand. killer is there the longest and most comfrotable. the others are getting there wiht cross needing the most time. (he was a spy. he still feels guilty) and that is okay. they aren't in a hurry.
And yes! nightmare gives positive reinforcement. It is important for them to be motivated to learn and keep trying.
The bed time is honestly so cute. it is a nice little forshadow but also it is such a nice look into nightmare. the way that his child self is still in there. because he enver truly completed the ritual (something something about killing someone making you lose your innocence. so the whole ritual with the killing part was meant to truly shut down the child part of yourself and only leave the power with your slight thought process.)
by still including little nightmare to influence big nightmare. it makes it so that it is celar and nightmar never truly ascended that last bit. he rose above yes. but he never became a true god by losing his childhood and humanity by killing for power. and that is where and why nightmare was different.
And then he is a child againa dn immediantly be went back to his child reflexes. there isn't even him trying to do what he would with magic. it is just him. it has always just been him. he jsut had more magic and a way to use the magic to protect himself without even needing to think about it.
but that is gone. all that is left is jsut nightmare. so he immediantly does what he always did. he fawns. he freezes in fear. he waits nd is quiet as he is terrified. He waits to see what happens as he tries to keep that fear and worry inside.
Bud!! The way nightmare lost all sense. it was so good because it was the magic! The magic was making him able to feel emotions. to feel the world around him. to even SEE it. because the magic was also in his eye lights. it was covering his sockets. it makes sense he loses all his senses before slowly regaining them. Because the goop and magic took care of it all. and now he went back to his old and normal senses.
Okay the fact that in his moment of disbalance that nightmare immediantly reached for killer. without even meanign to. his instinct was to reach out and get help. and that is beautiful. The trust nightmare has in his knights. the way they answered that by offering help and trying everything they can.
The fact that horror wanted to stay and help. try and do first aid before anything else. but killer realising that nightmare i sMELTING. realises that even if the kngihts and ccino don't interact much (ccino would love to interact more but they are limited) killer KNOWS that ccino would know. if anyone knows it is ccino. (killer has seen ccino put nightmare back together enough to know that for certain. That ccino most likely knows nightmare better than nightmare even knows himself and maybe maybe killer is still a tiny bit jealous about that but he doesn't let it interfere. He loves ccino too much and he respects and cares for nightmare too much to let that happen)
nightmare may not realise it... but he is very clearly the tiny skeleton. the babybones they saw on the trapestry. Nightmare may not realise it but he looks so painfully young. The knights know of course about the story. the fact that nightmare hadn't been meant to take the power but he did. they know generally what happened... but to see it?
it is one thing to know your boss took part in a ritual when he was 13 to became a being who could rival the gods in power.
It is another thing to see this tiny hurt babybones staring at you. shaking and exhausted. a crack in his skull (which they later learn had been done by his own twin. after ngihtmare tried to help him by taking the apple that before the goop fully solidified that dream hadHIT him. hard enough to crack his skull).
Like... they knew... but now they have this tiny tiny babybones in their mids. hurt confused and so so scared.
And nightmare meanwhile? the bbay is confused. he is fawning and falling over and he can't pick a side between trust or fear. he is so used to always having to pick fear before when he was little. he trusted his knights when big yes but his knights swore loyalty to him as an adult. he isn't an adult anymore so the oath doens't count anymore and what if they don't want to help him? what if the onyl reason they didn't leave was because nightmare could get them things?
and then ccino walks in.
I like that ccino wasn't even sure WHY he was here. all he knew was that somethign was wrong with nightmare. He tries to act as if he is just loyal but that is STILL his little brother! (no ccino doesn't care nightmare was now technically bigger, older and more powerful than him. ccino is the big brother in this relationship) ((picture the meme of 'he asked for no pickles' with ccino saying it and nightmare (adult form) next/behind him))
So he isn't even sure what is wrong and thinks the worst because why else would they ge thim and-
and then he sees his little brother. the little babybones he has been taken care of since nightmare was born. His little baby brother.
So in that moment. the wall breaks. There is grief but such happiness and ccino just wants to grab him but he still knows he still thinks and plans because that is what he does. he needs to plan and make sure it is easiest for nightmare. so he sits down adn gives the choice to his little brother. maybe he doesn't want a hug? maybe he doens't want to be touched?
and nightmare is in his arms. clearly not watning to be anywhere but there. Ccino just holding him as he barely holds himself together.
ccino straight up holding EVERYTHING together all the time and honestly it is a surprise he hasn't had a giant break down yet. it is waiting to happen and it just keeps building and building. (old habits die hard. ccino wasn't allowed to process before and then ngihtamre took over and at first ccino needed to keep it together for him and then he just... never allowed himself to relax because he needs to be ready in case he is needed.)
I think? honestly?
The followup? would be most interesting to go from the POV of the knights.
because we know that ccino would just be so relieved and happy to hold nightmare. but ccino and nightmare are also the guys with the most knowledge. so the unknowing nature of the guys? their thoughts and reactions when they learn more? that would be so interesting
New Age AU (The Magic Retreats)
Hi guys!!! So, I wrote this one in a fit of passion, but here's a brief take 2 on the most important chapter of the fic and the first one I posted! (In which Night becomes Tiny again :] ) As always this drabble is unedited and un-checked so uhh. Good luck!
(HI @ancha-aus , @papiliovolens , and @mutzelputz welcome back!)
The days felt like they were growing longer again. Maybe it was the change of the seasons, or the workload ramping up again making his nights bleed into his mornings. No matter the case, Nightmare was lucky to have moments of rest from his endless piles of debts and taxes and laws and requests that were strewn all about his office. They were nice, neat, piles now, but they seemed to be an endless cycle. He'd solve one problem and it would result in a new report of catastrophe somewhere else.
Often, he wondered whether it was that his Mother's ruling style had truly worked, or if she'd ignored it. After all, she'd been a God amongst mortals, why would she care for a few challenged livelihoods amidst her paradise?
The sharp clash of metal on magic drew Nightmare's attention back to the present. Against all odds, he'd managed to convince Cross to start training his sword again. When Cross had first started getting lessons to properly control his magic, harnessing even whisps of Nightmare's own spells on occasion, he'd quickly neglected his physical training. Over the last few weeks, Nightmare had voiced his worry that Cross might find himself up against another foe like Dust. One who he couldn't simply control. He needed to re-learn his old battle tactics. Only then, he'd promised, they would move on to harnessing both at once.
So, now, he was sparring against Horror in the training room. Nightmare sat off to the side on the benches, Dust and Killer on either side of him watching intently. Two of his tendrils hovered readily before him, ready to pounce to intercept any wayward attacks or truly dangerous intent, though he trusted his Knight to not put his newest comrade in any real danger. The other two tendrils lay lax behind the bench, curling comfortably beneath where his other Knights sat at his sides.
These were the sorts of daily distractions he enjoyed. Which pulled him away from the stress of the papers and the outside world. He could focus solely on his charges and how best to help them. They helped him so often, he just wanted to return the favor.
His eyelight followed the movements, as Horror stayed more or less right on Cross's tail. His axe swung slower than normal, and it was obvious he was taking the training seriously without giving Cross a heart-attack from the force of his normal blows. It wasn't often Nightmare allowed them to pair up precisely because of that. Horror had no magic for Cross to control, none that would help him at least. Meanwhile, Horror's brute strength could snap Cross like a twig if something were to go slightly awry.
A swing of the axe, Cross's longsword cracking against the handle as he blocked. A push-off, sending Cross back a few steps before he swung. Missed. The axe was on him again, this time towards his side. Cross jumped over it, swung his sword. Missed again. The axe came in again, from above. A narrow block, one which forced Cross to his knee, before Horror let up.
Horror was simply a marvel of physical combat. He hadn't been a good fighter when Nightmare met him, but he'd learned very quickly. From watching the guards, from listening to Nightmare. Though, Nightmare was almost positive Killer had actually been his biggest influence. Killer, the cockpit, single Knight at that time. He'd taken Dust under his supervision at the time, practically heading the dismantling of the crime rings Dust knew so well all on his own. Meanwhile, Nightmare was working with Horror to understand how to fix the farming situation across the kingdom. Once things settled, and Nightmare expressed interest in having Horror stick around, it was Killer who showed off in combat training. Horror spun off his feet and pushed off his hands in the way expected of a much smaller, leaner, monster. Very similar to how Killer fought when he was playing around.
It was evidently too unfamiliar for Cross. He'd been taught formal swordplay, but here in this kingdom? That was about as useful as playing with a slingshot and trying to operate a trebuchet. It seemed similar, but it could only get one so far.
Cross had been steadily improving, of course. Just a year or so ago, Cross had been besting all the rest of the royal guard out on the training field. But placed against Killer, the best of the best at practical combat, no holds bar? He'd fumbled. Now, Nightmare knew Cross could hold his own against his proudest Knight. That meant a lot in such a short time. Pride filled his chest at the thought, as he watched the two of them clash again and again.
He knew his time was running short for today. He'd had Dust and Killer work on their team-building and attack him earlier on in training while Cross and Horror were warming up. As he already knew, they were chatty, but very efficient in their coordination.
"On your left!" Killer would call out. Dust would simply duck as Killer instead vaulted over his head as though emerging from the shorter Knight's shadow, knife in hand, glowing red with energy.
Killer's use of deceptive verbal cues was a talent he'd come up with all his own. Nightmare remembered him pestering Dust over it every dinner for a week after he'd first thought of it. Dust had seemed annoyed at first, but Nightmare could tell after the first session of them trying it out, against him? He'd been unaware, and if his magic didn't work separate from his mind on occasion, they would have gotten him in the first two minutes.
They'd used it again earlier, and even after several years it still kept Nightmare on his toes. He figured that was why he felt tired as he watched the two locked in mock battle before him. The cognitive challenges did tend to make his socket heavy with sleep. And he hated to admit it, but he always knew about when to end their afternoon trainings, because it lined up with when his mind would start to lag. Even years later, his body still seemed to respond to the familiar draw of a long-discarded bed time.
He'd let them exchange a few more blows, before calling it off and ushering them all off to clean up before dinner. Even if he knew only Cross and Dust would go wash up. Horror would go change out of his training gear into clean clothes, he hated to look messy at the dinner table, abd Killer would simply stick to his side like glue.
It never was a point of complaint, he appreciated the commitment, but sometimes he really did wish he'd at least take a moment to swap clothes. Sometimes he tracked all sorts of dirt and scraps of magic out of the training room and into the halls.
Mm. The clashing seemed to have reached a rhythm. That meant Cross had gotten familiar with Horror's movement patterns again. It never lasted long, Horror was very adaptable, but it did mean that Cross would be locked into the stalemate now, or it'd be an easy defeat for Horror. Better to call it now and send them off with a bit of praise. They never ceased to impress him, they'd all grown so much.
"Alright, end the match." he called. It didn't take hardly a moment for the order to register after his voice carried to the two monsters.
Cross was the first to pull away, with Horror letting his swing fall short and his Axe's momentum swing up and into the air. He caught the grip and almost immediately stuffed it back into its own holster along his back. Cross sheathed his sword, and while a bit out of breath, he still grinned triumphantly and bowed amicably to Horror. Horror returned it with a nod. Their little ritual.
"Wonderful work today, all of you." Nightmare announced, his front two tendrils slinking back to his sides as they no longer had danger to be hyper aware of. To defend against. "Tomorrow, I want to see you two spar again, I believe you are making great leaps in progress, Cross. Dust will provide you both with terrain obstacles in the form of erratic magic attacks to simulate a more turbulent battle field and provide Horror with more opportunity to practice dodging." The suggestion seemed well-recieved, and Nightmare let his good eyelight turn to Killer, who sat grinning beside him. "Killer, you and I will be doing more endurance training for your magic."
"Looking forward to it, my Lord," Killer replied.
That made Nightmare chuckle a bit. Once upon a time, Killer would tense up at the premise of magic training. Then, as he grew bolder, groan at the mention. He was not proficient in the sort of magic Cross, Dust, or he himself relied on, but his preferred weapon was a knife or two summoned by his own soul. Since it was magic, Nightmare insisted he learn to better sustain and alter it rather than letting it atrophy in the wake of his extensive physical training. Now, seeing him grin lazily at the idea, not a worry weighing on his soul? It made Nightmare feel a lot more justified in making the rambunctious Knight do the more "boring" practical training.
"If we understand what to expect for the afternoon tomorrow, then you are dismissed. I will see you all at dinner," he declared. Humor filled his chest at the warmth which rolled off his knights at the mention of food. Dinner was always cooked by Ccino, and Ccino was the best cook. Nightmare would know.
He watched as Cross gave a little salute before he turned on his heel to begin to follow Horror's lumbering gait towards the heavy doors separating this room from the hall. The newest Knight's voice was quiet, but excitable as he started to reflect on his techniques to Horror. He always debriefed after a training.
Beside him, Dust swung forward off the bench and landed silently, already moving to follow the other two. His body-language always seemed disgruntled, and his expression was hidden under his darkened hood, but Nightmare knew he was pleased with his work tonight. Content with what he had accomplished.
"Cross is gettin' a lot faster." Killer's voice was calm beside him, and Nightmare followed the other's hollow gaze to where the other three were discarding their gear, hanging it up on the racks near the door where they always stored the supplies.
Four spaces, one for each knight. Killer had gouged his name into the wooden base of his own years ago.
"I agree." Nightmare let one of his tendrils wrap at the ground around a leg of the bench. "It helps that he is eager and willing to improve on his skills. And that he has others to lean on as he continues to learn."
Killer's scoff quickly devolved into a laugh at the thinly veiled praise. It wasn't unusual of him to slip it into conversation. A quick, gentle nudge of praise. Acknowledgement and appreciation. Killer had heard to most of it, and Nightmare often worried he'd find it insincere.
As far as he knew, he never did.
"You should go put up your armor as well." Nightmare suggested, nudging at Killer's back with a tendril.
"Yes, sir." Killer chimed, the sharpness of his laughter still on his tongue.
Nightmare rose simply, and Killer pushed off the bench with a quick hop. His feet planted, and Nightmare waited for him to take a step towards where the others were before moving to follow. It felt right, to see them all in one spot. Relaxed.
He moved to follow Killer's quick steps, only... All at once his vision seemed to double, and he halted himself. He could feel his tendrils lash out, moving to stabilize him against the floor of the training room. He still stood upright, just barely, but it seemed all his balance had left him. Instinctively, in a fit of habit, he shut his good socket and took a moment. The swaying feeling he was gripped by, even after a deep breath an counting to five, did not fade. The darkness which usually seemed to calm him only seemed to make the swaying worse. He could not tell if the motion was coming from him, or I the ground beneath him was shifting like the deck of a boat. Without his vision he couldn't orient up versus down, let alone find his stability again.
Opening his good socket provided him with orientation, though his vision still danced and swirled. He was looking down, down towards the brick ground, from the space behind his palm. When did he place his hand to his socket? The view included his legs, which he recognized now were shaking, and his tendrils which were trying to hold him in place.
And...
He jolted at the contact he could see but hadn't felt in the slightest. He skull reeled up so that he could see who had touched him. One hand on his elbow. The other- when did he grab Killer's arm? When had Killer turned around to look at him? Why was Killer looking at him like that?
It was Killer, who had ahold of him, though he couldn't feel the Knight's touch, and he couldn't tell if he was gripping the other's arm at all. Though he was, he could see it.
His vision warped again with the quick movement. A desperate bid to look past Killer. Was there a threat? The blurry form of Dust shot past him, he thought. Horror and Cross still seemed to be by the door.
The ceiling. Why was he looking at the ceiling? No, wait, the floor now. It grew closer, in the space between himself and Killer, as the opening for him to see it grew smaller. Then he couldn't see it at all, his vision replaced swiftly by- training gear. The leather smell invaded his senses as the rest failed him. He couldn't feel Killer, though he knew the knight was near to him. That, as far as he could tell, Killer had caught him. That he'd sunken to the ground under his own weight.
Why?
His socket wasn't being helpful. It seemed, from what he saw, that his tendrils were trying to melt away as they moved errantly to slap onto Killer's back or the ground beyond. Surely that wasn't right? His tendrils had never wavered. He shut his socket again, letting his skull sink into the training armor again.
It didn't occur to him for a few moments, that he couldn't hear his knights, until he suddenly could.
The voices were loud and grating, breaking his wobbling darkness once again as he tried to force his socket back open. What was wrong with him?
"Horror, I said go get Ccino! Now!" Killer. He'd know that voice anywhere, though he didn't like the angry tone. Like fire spitting from his tongue seemingly right above Nightmare's skull. "This isn't some sort of test, I- I don't know what this is. It can't be good."
Nightmare tried to reach out. Not physically, it felt he still couldn't control his limbs. No, he tried to sense. Did the others know what was wrong with him? Was the rising panic in his chest originating from his own emotions or theirs? Had... had one of them done something?
No, it wasn't them.
"Shit." Somewhere behind him, he heard Dust's voice hiss. "His magic levels are dropping. And fast."
For a second, Nightmare was stunned. What did he mean his magic levels were dropping? Though, it made sense. Somewhere deep in his chest he could feel it, the swaying motion as his magic tried to peel away from his bones. He-
"What do you-" Killer still sounded frustrated, and he too spat an expletive a moment later.
Nightmare, for the briefest moment, thought he felt touch again against his skull. He let his blurry socket fall closed again, the vision only worsening as his magic rocked with unseen waves of revulsion.
"Cross, try to grab his magic," Killer ordered.
The familiar splattering of the young Night would've been comforting, if the suggestion didn't fill him with dread. Killer knew better than that. They'd agreed Cross could only touch on controlling his magic. Nothing more. It was too vast.
"W-what! I- I shouldn't-" Cross attempted to stammer a defense, but Killer was quicker with words. Always had been.
"Just try. Now. Hold it in place and see if it stablizes." The command was a lot more controlled than the previous one, but his tone was leaving no room for error. "When the King and Ccino are unavailable, I'm in charge. Listen to me."
Nightmare had never heard Killer take charge in such a way before, and in his haze he might've written it off as a product of his imagination. All of this being some sort of weird hallucination. But he felt the invasive force of Cross' magic snake over his bones.
He'd felt it before, a sort of blanket or hand-hold aimed at the ends if his tendrils which could make them twitch a bit with Cross's own will. This time he felt it creep up the length of his spine and dig unseen claws into his shoulder blades. He could feel it, just like he could now feel Killer's chin and shoulder, where his skull had been tucked. He could feel the hand supporting his back, the other his side. He felt limp as the forceful magic washed over him.
Nightmare gagged.
Cross's magic caught on something, like a hook finding the fish, and for a brief few moments, Nightmare felt like he had a ball of gunk in his non-existant gut. Something heavy and feral, trying to escape.
For just a moment, he regained a breath of awareness. He felt his Knight supporting his weight, he felt the nakedness of his back where his tendrils had completely abandoned him, he felt the emotions of the three still with him. Fear. Confusion. Anger. He didn't like it much. He still couldn't move his limbs.
And just as quickly as it was stable, the hold on the wild magic slipped away. Like the fish had broken the string.
It flowed up, like the force of a dam finally released. Through his ribcage, past his shoulders where Cross's magic seemed to dissipate all at once, into his mouth.
Nightmare regained some semblance of control over his body at that moment. As the magic seemed to rush towards freedom. He shoved away from Killer all at once, the chill of the stone hitting his palms heavily and his socket opening if only to watch as he lost it. That dark, thick, sticky magic that had marked him as a bad omen. That had gifted him the power to rule in place of his twin. Protect those he loved.
It spilled to the stone before him, and he was stunned to watched that, as he heaved suddenly labored breaths, it sunk away. Disappeared. Just like that, instead of his familiar darkness, the protective shield, the instinctive defense he had grown to know, he was staring at the floor. And the space in which his wobbling arms hid under too-big sleeves, and from the cuffs escaped perfect, pearly-white bone. Bone he could never seem to reach no matter how hard he scrubbed with water and soap. Bones that seemed so frail in the torchlight.
"My king?"
Nightmare let his eyelight raise from the ground. It wasn't as wobbly anymore, his vision slowly coming back to normal. He still took his time trailing from the ground, to look at Killer's pants. He was on his knees, hardly an arm's length away. Then the edges of his chestplate. His arms were outstretched, hovering barely away from touching Nightmare. He shook at the closeness, but didn't dare try to move. Killer's soul was wobbling. Nightmare's boww furrowed at the sight. It was very small, but he'd always notice the little changes and moves. Though, he noticed an absence of something at the back of his skull as he stared. Something missing.
Killer's face was last. He looked serious, his dark sockets not a new sight, but Nightmare hardly saw Killer so serious. He'd seen the look before. Usually when he'd see someone bothering Ccino. It had always been brief, quickly disguised under his patented sadistic grin. Killer just watched him now. As though he was sone glass sculpture ready to tip off the end of the table.
He hated, as he stared, that he couldn't- he could feel-
He tried to shift, to whip his head to look for the knight he knew should've been behind him. And he was right, of course. A glimpse of Dust's shadowed skull and tense body-language told Night he was on high-alert, but Nightmare hadn't been able to feel him. Hadn't sensed his presence at all. No emotions, no aura, no nothing.
"Woah, steady!" Killer yelped as Nightmare felt himself tilt.
Looking up at Dust had disoriented him. The weight distribution was different now. His body listed to the side, and he flinched when arms wrapped around at his sides and tugged his upper half onto soft fabric. Killer's legs. Killer had caught him.
"My king, Nightmare, it's you, right?" He sounded the same. Something told Nightmare he was uncertain.
"Y-" His attempt to speak was short-lived. His voice wasn't right. It was high-pitched and raw. All the rumble and low tones entirely missing. He couldn't be sure if he stopped on account of keeping his pride alive, or if he feared speaking in a voice he hadn't heard in years.
It didn't help that he couldn't feel them. No matter how much he tried, the only feeling in his chest was his own solitary anxiety. Balling up tighter and tighter, an old friend come home again. If he could tell what they were thinking- if he could know if he was safe...
He bit back his panic, holding in the weakness which was threatening to give him away. Though, what else was there to give? If he was right, then the prophecy had finally rejected him. Left him as an offering to a pack of wolves.
Nightmare knew he was shaking, but some irrational part of him thought that if he kept his socket shut that this would all be some absurd night terror and he'd wake up cozy in his bed, or exhausted at his desk, or maybe passed out on the floor. Somewhere else. Anywhere else.
"What's wrong?" That voice was deeply familiar, and all at once Nightmare felt like he had a surge of strength. "Why did Horror rush me back here? Where is our King?" It was Ccino. He sounded more frustrated than anything else, but he didn't need to feel his emotions to know the rise to his tone. The worry buried there.
"We finished training and everything was fine," Killer explained, tone as even as he could muster, "But when we were on our way out, he just collapsed."
Nightmare pitied him, having to tell Ccino any sort of bad news. Nightmare didn't think as he attempted again to shove himself up. If only to catch a glimpse of Ccino.
As he peered barely over Killer's shoulder, he saw what the others did. Ccino had some sort if flour or wheat all down the front of his nice apron, and a few streaks along the thighs of hid pants from where he'd probably wiped his hands along the way. His expression was a mix of concern and fury that set Nightmare's soul into a pretzel-twist of regret, and his eyelights scanned the room as he rapidly approached Killer. Obviously looking for answers.
Only, Ccino arrived to Killer's side, and his growing rage seemed to stop all at once, alongside his steps. He stared down at Nightmare with wide eyes. Nightmare stared up at him wearily. The king's sockets were beginning to water. Ccino's expression, the way his balled fists twitched and relaxed, the way he seemed to lose all the tension I'm his body, just getting a glimpse at him. Ccino recognized his face, no doubt about it.
"Nightmare?" Ccino's voice was small.
Nightmare fumbled a bit as he tried to launch away from Killer. Having Ccino so close to him simply... broke whatever had been holding back the emotional damage within. It didn't help in the slightest when Ccino crouched and immediately tugged him away from Killer and into a gentle bear-hug there on the floor.
For the first time, in a very long time, he found that the welling of tears in his sockets didn't result in dark, tarlike, goop that fell in chunks down his skull. This time the tears were real, a transparent lilac which raced down his cheeks abd planted themselves against the fabric of Ccino's tunic and apron. He wasn't wearing his fur, he was smart like that.
Ccino's arms wrapped around his back like they always did, and Nightmare felt himself slipping. Ccino was safe. He had always been safe.
Nightmare didn't have time to begin sobbing as he had expected, or to even begin to hyperventilate into Ccino's shirt or curl into a ball against his chest. The moment Ccino nuzzled the side of his skull, his vision went blurry again.
At the tightening of Ccino's grip, he heard Dust's voice again. "Magic-loss. A lot of it." Faintly rolled into his mind like a distance voice two doors over. He didn't quite catch when Killer started to speak again, or Ccino worriedly said his name. Dust was right, the magic was gone. Out of nowhere. It was a lot for his little body to handle.
#friend i already know i missed stuff in my reply but i am going nuts and i got ideas and AAAAAAAH#Also. I had another thought.#You know how we said that ccino wasn't allowed to be hurt because he had to be pretty and shit?#what if. That wasn't per se the case?#he jsut needed to be able to heal. he wasn't allowed PERMANENT marks.#and you kow how ccino is VERY much like 'this isn't my cat' or 'these cats aren't mine'?#My thought.#ccino once found a hurt cat on castle grounds.#he managed to get it to his room and helped it heal.#he tried to release it into the wild but well. cats love ccino.#the cat keeps sneaking back inside. and ccino keeps moving it outside.#eventually it goes wrong.#someone sees and snitches and well.#ccino is in trouble for bringing vermin into the castle.#he tries to explain he was just moving it outside but well. Nim doens't believe him.#nim thinks for a while. thinking hard before deciding. The back isn't that much in view anyway.#whip lashes will do. BUT!#between each lash. the old wounds need to be healed over before the next.#Which just meant it took AGES and AGES to heal the lash so they wouldn't scar#and his back would be barely healed and very sensitive from the lashes and the healing magic#so yeah.#the lesson stuck.#Ccino doesn't have any cats. he doens't know how they keep getting inside.#Ngihtmare doesn't know this happened. (nim made sure these kind of things stayed out of the twins view)#Ccino KNOWS it is fine now. that nightmare would never. but there is still the reaction.#he still loves nad adores cats however. (it also means even more that he kept the kitten killer gave him)#(as for the original cat? well... you already mentioned they were used for sacrifices.)#yes. ccino still feels awful about it.#okay that was it. that was my guy punch for the evening
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[reupload] copycat
#SORRY FOR THE REUPLOAD. I FORGOT THE CHROMATIC EFFECT. its fixed now. ^_^ rb as you please.#gonna put the og posts tags at the very end!#animator vs animation#alan becker#green ava#<- in a way.#green screen ava#greenscreen ava#||#kitkat chitchat#doodles.png#okay heres the og tags. just a ramble about my design#::#fun fact; aspects of greenscreens clothes are taken from my designs for the rest of the cg!#the pants are from red. skirt from yellow. tanktop from blue. and drawing glove from orange!#i was also gonna add green and reds friendship bracelets but i felt itd clutter the design with Too Many Colors . as if it already isnt lol#also the actual colors for the clothes are Slightly different.. i put a few overlays on this for color cohesiveness so if anything looks#wonky then that is why..... if i ever do something with flat colors then ill make sure the actual clothes colors look nice for you all :3#anyways. the influencer arc is going great so far huh!
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Started AFK Arena, got Eugene as my first Legendary, liked his design but was worried I might not like his story bc I haven't yet read many of them and it didn't seem like a story/event heavy game, finally gave in 3 days later Anyhow order of operations: -love it, joke around why there isn't a series about it -no there actually is a comic and other ones too -read them all -actually go back to read Gavus and the kids stories as well -learn you basically JUST missed all them being introduced like 4 months ago -hide your pain by consuming everything NOW -it's 7 am i haven't slept since yesterday where am i
#txts#afk arena#halp#yes i am currently scrolling through tumblr#i LITERALLY at one point during the labyrinth went#'huh Eugene and that angel looking dude seem to work nicely together-wonder why' BEFORE I LEARNED#truly amazing#so far everything was just 'huh if x is the case' AND IT IS#10/10 need more#i wanna both hug them. shake them by their shoulders. chew on them and also just let them live their best lives however they wish#same with the kids but i am way less feral about them-i am counting them in as my babies as well#with every new piece of info i got worried that things might turn out bad or tragic#the relief when i read through all oH GOD#precious little weapons of mass destruction#i-will probably take a nap now#and try for more coherent thoughts another time#i also got like 5 packages arriving anytime between 10am and 10pm which is just....totally great#other fun fact: literally looked at Eugene and Lucilla design wise and put them down mentally as my favs#which considering the everything: yeAH I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE HUH#good genes
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forever mad about how dirty they did aveline from act 2 onward
#thinking way too much abt it rn cus i just finished her quest today#she is important to liam and i enjoy their relationship a lot & also her character in general in the earlier acts#but MAN i hate what they did to her in acts 2 and 3#laya plays dragon age#feels like there is such a disconnect from her attitude between acts 1 and 2?#or well. maybe not disconnect exactly but even so there is an important shift there and we never even get to see it OR question it#she could have been such a good contribution to the story and the themes by putting her at a crossroads of#do i keep following what i know and become another cog in the system or do i challenge them and break out of it#cus like. in act 1 she is not above going against laws when her own morals (or even just biases) go against them#but is generally still in favor of ''regular'' law and order (which does get challenged by characters sometimes which is nice!)#(sort of) blind loyalty is already a fault of hers and now her loyalty is understandably mostly towards her guards#but then her companion quest is not in fact about herself but about frickin. courting the guy she likes???????#full on i thought this was a silly quest for levity in an act that has a lot of dark moments#but no it is Her Important Quest TM and not only does she not get with him if you dont do the quest#but her entire attitude and happiness going forward depends on it????? what the hell#also fun fact first time playing act 2 i thought that there was a lot going over my head and like#and some of it did yeah but i also just Assumed that bc the way aveline acted/ the guards actions were presented through her#didnt line up with what actually happened#(& her being so defensive and dismissive didnt line up with the impression i got of her before that)#sorry for the rant im just once again mad about cool characters being screwed over by the writing
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Can we see the Charm bear please
Yes!!
Look at her! She's so cute!
It's a little hard to see, but her fur has that swirl-pattern to it that looks like subtle flowers, or in Charm's case, cotton candy :D She also smells like cotton candy!!
#Build a Bear#Fun fact: Ma and I have been planning to make a Charm plushy for like three years now lol#And we have purchased some fabric for it! When we get there lol#And from the looks of it it's the exact same fabric haha ♪ We got ours in two different pinks but I mean#She's a pink swirl bear! She's so cute!! Ah!!!#Both smol and I upon returning home were just like ''These clothes are cute but like...'' Lol#We were both just thinking to ourselves that making our own clothes for them - we both want to!#She especially has been wanting to get into making doll clothes so it's kinda the perfect in#Plus while the overalls she got for hers look Adorable they are a bit on the small side#Even just imagining this little Charm bear with the thigh-high shoes and kneepads - so like her wristie!#I got the wristie 'cause I was thinking of her bonbons but honestly they almost match her kneepads better haha#Made sure that she's got her guns out >:3c And shorts haha although I think they're meant to be boxers?#Either way she's so cute and huggable <3#And smells so nice! They use the little scent thingies like a bath and then they put it inside with the heart haha#I haven't been to Build-a-Bear since I was a littley so it was really nice to get to do so again with my siblings <3#I hope they both had fun ♥#Also you Know I'm gonna be drawing Charm with this little one hehehe#Villainsona#Just Desserts#Lol
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that bullshit with the minecraft server honestly just made me so much more anxious about gaming with people. like, it's honestly part of why i just DON'T.
every co op or multiplay game i join, everyone goes off and does their own thing. in MC, it's fine, that's chill, go make ur own base and eke out ur own niche in the world, it's awesome we can make stuff super far and then invite ppl to come see what we built and it's like having neighbors and stuffs, i find joy in that- most other games i join tho, even ones where i need helpppp, everyone just fucks off and leave me and i'm like "ok why did y'all want me to play again? cuz ur not playing WITH me now, we just happen to be playing the same thing......." but the way my friend's friend treated me in their server was completely unfair and just unfriendly. because of their inability to voice to my friend that they just wanted it to be the two of them, they decided to be a bully to me???? like, i didn't fucking invite myself. my friend asked if i wanted to join and then asked his friend to invite me. also his friend up and deleted the first world they were working on because they didn't like the spawn point and couldn't be bothered to explore far enough to get out of their current biome. the second world they started had no mobs and no hunger so they could get ahead quickly and then when they turned mobs on they had gathered so much they could easily reach the end. their friend acted like they thought they were some badass for having frost walker boots even tho they had to play fucking baby mode to get them. idk why but they also seemed pissed that i wandered off to explore and gather resources on my own accord, then they for some reason decided they should run all the way to me instead of me just going to them, to have me follow them all the way back to the base i already knew the location of - i think because they wanted to show off their boots to me, since there's no water near their base and there was plenty of water on the way to where i was - and then once there, as i was handing over some loot to them and my friend, that i had collected from the mine i was disassembling in the badlands i had found, they (the host, not my friend) sudden fucking lit me on fire -_- i then helped my friend clear a room, got bored and wanted to explore a lil more so i left their base, then my friend tells me the host wants me to go to the end with them. mind you.... i have like, no armor, and i been fucking sick and barely able to play lately. so i let them know i'm good, and that i would be hopping off since i was getting a headache and still was sick. i sign off and the next day when i sign in, i see i am removed from their server. :'D i message my friend and say i think his friend removed me from the server and am ttly confused about why, and he's like "sssssssss *inhale* yeahhhh they weren't really happy with you hopping on without telling anyone" and my wtf ensues, and he tried to tell me that it's common courtesy to let someone know when they are going to be on a server?
like, not only would i simply not have known because this is unfamiliar territory for me (i usually play solo, realms is ttly new to me), but that.... didn't sound right but also hypocritical, because he himself rarely lets me know when he would be on my household's server either. :| then he tells me they only wanted it to be him and them in their server
then he tells me they didn't really like me - and THAT
that's the one that really really got me. i never SPOKE to his friend aside from literally "HAIIIIIII" in text chat when i met them, and then an "ayyyyyy" the time i signed on and apparently pissed them off cuz i didn't inform anyone i would be getting on. when i met them they didn't even reply to me, and the second time they replied "no" and that was it. they said "no" to my "ayyyyyyyy" - to which i didn't reply because wtf even. plus i was in discord call with my friend so i moved along and thought nothing of it. i am pissed because i did just SOME work in their server, i would be fucking furious if i actually spent the time to build some neat stuff only to have it all taken from me like that. can't tell you how many times, how many different ways, that has happened to me in my life. from different games, to things i have made, to my literal life and living situations - had everything i did and worked for taken and reduced to starting all over all again. i think in the end, and ima just speculate here based on how they seem to wanted it to be just them and my friend, how they treated me, and how they would interact with said friend - that mayhaps they have a crush on him and they felt i was getting in the way. that's cute and all and i'm happy they like my friend so much - but i think their behavior is a slew of red flags tbh. a lil possessive, much? idk y'all, i gotta rationalize this somehow because the way they treated me was rly unfair and it needs to make sense somehow. :|
#anyhoo#i am a fragile creature and the fact that this shit happens to me so frequently makes it rly hard to want to even make friends#i been bullied my whole fucking life#and when i be brave and put myself out there and am friendly and try to have fun and ppl go out of their way to paint a target on my back#because it's fucking easy#i am the easiest fucking target almost always irl and online when being social#it makes it really difficult to continue being brave and trying again#every time things go like this it makes it that much harder#they say there are thousands of failures before there is success but usually that doesn't apply to social encounters#people should generally be less assholes maybe? that would be nice#also i wanna be clear if u wanna play no mobs that is FINE#i am just PISSED so i am being an asshole about it here in this particular situation#play creative even! i use it when i have specific things i wanna see in minecraft style but don't wanna bother with the resources and mobs
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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thinking abt how nemesis kind of sets up what should be the most thematically interesting ambition in FL and how quickly that fades as it goes
#had a good amount of time to think abt it now and the knife price cut just hit so ive got some thoughts#nemesis puts a good amount of time into asking the player how far they're willing to go for revenge but the message dilutes as it goes#you start off and it costs you hard-earned lessons to /not/ kill someone really early on. to /not/ kill it costs you extra#and then as you go ur just given more and more cost gates and it never quite hits that same note again#not until right at the end where you can spare m_ ______ and m_ ___#but there is the feeling that you're doing it no matter the cost#and i think that's why the knifegate change has me hurting. like as much as it was a pain it also felt amazing to get through it#i think what should've been added rly was an option to get the lethean tea leaves from the esuriant smith or lilac#bc the main thing that's missing from the whole 'revenge tragedy' plot is the ability for the player to have turned away at any point#only to keep pushing on because they just can't bring themselves to forget#in the end it just feels like that early 'kill for the keys' or 'just knock them out but its harder' should've been a recurring motif#like the bodies always pile up in revenge stories. how much are u willing to do to ensure they don't??#it'd have been nice to have more options#ways around dealing with that devil other ways instead of taking red honey ways of not (probably) worsening the condition of a seeker#idk#im also at least a little bit mad abt the fact that for all that cost there's almost never fun post-nemesis things#always seeing hearts desire options (HATE u mr cards) and BaL options and what do nemesis players get. hellicon house stuff.
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so not only does genki canonly exist in the reboot but it seems strongly implied that he and doc ketchum worked together at some point??? i do not like that concept At All!
#mar.txt#saints row#professor genki#doc ketchum#<- does he even have a tag ik he doesn't even have a wiki page#saints row 2022#genuinely baffled that ive seen quite literally ZERO mention ANYWHERE that a) he does in fact show up in murder circus (well not HIM him#but someone dressed as him and he's talked about + afterwards kev mentions that definitely wasn't the real him because he's immortal,so#apparently immortal in his case not only means unaging but also straight up unable to die)#and b) there's. so many things referencing him on boot hill?? a TON of cat heads that appear to quite obviously be stylized genki,that#appear to have been painted over a different colour than pink,booths that say smthn like 'the doc and professor show',and on the main#hidden history thingy (which i ALSO couldn't find a SINGLE guide for/barely any mention of on google ANYWHERE) that has doc's face painted#on it saying smthn like 'doc says hello' there's a little sign tacked on that says 'genki lives!!!' which. ??????#i wonder if they worked together and doc tried to fuck him over at some point,possibly by killing him#which obviously did not work#anyways. murder circus is fun so is the reboot and i'm baffled at how so few people seem to have put the (imo quite obvious when you see#them) pieces together that the reboot likely IS in fact a direct tie to the reboot ending of gat out of hell#anyways im completely normal about saints row and genki can't you tell i definitely didn't stay up way past my bedtime specifically to#grind out murder circus so i could see genki (he's got some nice Drip™️ btw it looks kind of marshall-inspired)#i'm going to be slowly going ever more slightly insane over pondering wtf the connection between he and doc ketchum is
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microdosing coming out by macrodosing "ooo i wanna look Just Like Him. HIM. HE HIM HIM HIM. JUST LIKE HIM." like oh look at the broad shoulders and wide, flat chest. oh, oh, so interesting, isn't it? wouldn't it be fun if i were a guy? imagine That!
#me randomly throughout the day: [showing a picture of some guy] don't you think it'd be so nice if i looked JUST LIKE HIM? hehe#being trans is fun#incoming in the tags:#dysphoria#sometimes i feel like maybe im not actually trans and that im just ~an imposter~ because it's ''''''trendy''''''#and then i remember that i literally cannot bear calling myself a girl + my chest makes me so.... [no words for it] +#everytime i have to accept what i have DOWN THERE whenever i pee or like idk put on underwear i have to like.#pretend that i dont know what what i have is and that i am a small child again who does not know that people have different parts#until like. halfway through last year i thought everyone wanted to be out of the skin they were born in. i thought it was a normal thing#brought on by puberty.#and i also thought that maybe i just felt that way because i didn't look ~conventionally attractive~#but then i started ~working on myself~ and changing these things and i still couldn't stand the fact that this was my skin.#that i couldn't tear it away so i could finally be ~real~#i remember that i was watching a video and i thought he looked cool but at the same time the voice in my head that was like#'you want to look like THAT so bad and that's going to k ill you' and i had to pause the video and look away for a sec because#i couldn't accept that i just didn't look like that....#like yeah dude. you're trans#not 'not like other girls' in a pick me way but 'not like other girls' in that im a guy and feel incredibly alien in my body#sorry i started talking about all that. i'll tag it no worries
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I've been talking in instagram story a lot and 😭
I realized i'm as chaotic as I make my self-insert actually. They are supposed to be exaggerated. I'm as bad as them.
#nah. give me around 4 hours first. i want to do something else before#THE NUMBER OF TIME THAT I AM IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION OR UNWELL AND I JUST GO 'chill' OR *putting it to check later (when it's obviously a#now issue)#or even people suddenly dming me very suspicious question and me acting seriously about it (instead of either taking it as a joke or being#worried about it)#similar situation also happened irl#note : chill doesn't mean not taking care of it.#but it can mean being too uncaring about the situation while still treating it. it can mean not realizing like any normal being it should#be an immediate issue rather than a#and even for my social interaction i'm a bit chaotic. but it's covered by the fact that i'm polite and respectuous and considered nice#(so the result you may get is people saying that i'm weird but they don't mind it's kinda fun)#this can go between 'i have asked them to sign their soul away (precising it's absolutely fully ok it they don't want and that i mean it)'#to 'idrk social norms and so may talk a bit weirdly. maybe too casual for how i should actually have for exemple. often a mix of talking#like to a friend while having a sort of formal speech'#and also as you can guess i'm not really inside the social expectations which i don't know what they are and am fully counting on people#being nice and tell me when it's an issue even in the slightest way
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🤔maybe I should keep a list of media I experience, I keep seeing like media threads and stuff, and one of my friends started one recently and like, I forget what I play/watch like a month after I finish them half the time so like, it'd probably be a good way to actually frequently refresh my memory on what media I've actually seen recently. It'd also probably motivate me to actually play and finish more games so I could add new things to the list. And also I like keeping track of things, making lists with like dates and info and stuff is fun and the more arbitrary and meaningless the list is the better. BUT LIKE I'VE MISSED LIKE 21 YEARS WORTH OF MEDIA I CAN'T JUST MAKE A LIST NOW IT'S TOO LATE!!! fuck it i'm doing it, next stop diablos!
#idk if i'll like; actually post it anywhere or if i'll just keep like; a personal list. i mostly just want to make it for funsies#someday i'll stop quoting “next stop diablos” and the day i do i will experience a significant improvement in mental health#dollgore#maybe i can force myself to finally watch index season 3 so i can put it on a list! and also by extension railgun t#but but but i've already read past that in the light novel :( like way past it; it's old news now#but like it's my favorite anime i have to; and the ww3 arc is really cool and *surely* the anime won't fuck it up#but if i get back into index right now i'll also be morally obligated to start playing blue archive for the crossover and that's scary#being able to turn tags into a completely different secret post within another post truly is the best part of tumblr#like at this point this has nothing to do with the original post i just like talking about index#fun fact: did you know that accelerator is actually kind of not that nice of a guy but also he is sometimes. fun fact!#fun fact: did you know that accelerator is canonically trans! (in a non-canon alternate universe april fools trailer) fun fact!#zumbo sauce
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