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jemandtherobots · 1 year ago

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books read in 2023, part 1 of 2

thought i might as well do a post like this for the first half of the year bcos a) i've read a lot so this post will be long and b) i already have to go back like "i have no memory of this place book" with half of these.

Andy Weir - The Martian

No memory of why I wanted to start the year with this but I guess it falls in the category of "cosy read" for me so.

Jean Kearns Miller (ed.) - Women From Another Planet? (finnish translation)

Found my way to the mental health shelf of the local library and picked up some autism books instead of whatever it was I was actually looking for; this was an interesting read of essays and conversations between autistic women.

Puhu hereille (finnish)

This is an anthology of poems and short prose written by people on the autism spectrum and I 100% recommend it, I'm a little sorry it's hidden away in non-fiction and not shelved as poetry or whatever, but I'm very happy I found it.

Henry Fry - First Time for Everything

On one hand it's giving girlboss but make it a gay man, on the other hand this is such a good exploration of internalised homophobia and queer community dynamics and all that good stuff so I can forgive the girlboss vibes.

Catherynne M Valente - Space Opera

I nearly gave up on this so many times. Look, I love Eurovision, I love space, I very thoroughly enjoyed reading Douglas Adams as a teenager, so this should have been perfect for me. Unfortunately it was an unreadable mess and I hated every second I spent reading it.

Stephanie Julian - Hard Lines & Goal Lines

It must be hard writing romance because you need some sort of reason the characters can't be together and happy right from the start, like you need a plot, but whatever's getting in their way needs to also be something they can overcome by the end of the book. So sometimes that obstacle ends up being basically nothing, as it is in this book.

Emma Puikkonen - Lupaus (finnish)

Really enjoyed reading this one, but it was also a confusing reading experience for me as someone with eco-anxiety and no parental instinct, because I still found myself relating more to the parenting stuff than the eco-anxiety stuff. Anyway would absolutely recommend.

Sanni Purhonen - Jos vain muuttuisin toiseksi (finnish)

This is a poetry collection about disability which I actually passed on before because the blurb on the back cover does this zero justice. Publishers: get your shit together 2k23. Everyone who speaks finnish: read this.

Erik J Brown - All That's Left in the World

Okay I fuckin love disaster fiction. This ticked all my boxes: disaster survival, gay, included a map.

Marian Keyes - Again, Rachel

I am a Marian Keyes girlie and I also read Rachel's Holiday years and years ago (fun fact: my copy of Rachel's Holiday has a cover with a woman holding a drink on it and quotes about what a fun light read it is which, uh, well), and so I obviously needed to know if my blorbo was okay. The worst part of this book was a few days after I finished it, someone close to me went into a treatment centre for addiction and when I visited them it took so much willpower not to be like "oh I recently read a book about that".

Andy Weir - Project Hail Mary

Thought I might read another Andy Weir to see if the rest of his stuff was as good; it was alright, but I am not the target audience Andy Weir is writing to and that's fine. In my notes, I wrote that this book felt like "Arrival for men" and I stand by it.

Lily Lindon - Double Booked

The first I ever heard about this was someone saying "despite the concept it is not biphobic" like yeah okay fair, but also this book feels like the dictionary definition of gay and somehow homophobic? I think a "woman discovers she's queer, gets sucked into a specific community of toxic queer stereotypes and finally learns to accept herself and her bisexuality" story would be really great if any of the characters were the slightest bit sympathetic. Unfortunately the stereotypes are never really interrogated in any way, there's never a "oh actually there's more to being queer than this one specific club/scene" moment, and everyone's just kind of a dick lol. The main character never really puts in the work, so her ending feels unearned.

Kait Nolan - Our Kind of Love

Gonna be honest, typing this into the list I fully could not remember what this book was but then I remembered, it was the one with a content warning at the start for cursing and pre-marital sex, which is a fair enough warning but not one I recall seeing before. It's a sweet book, I liked it, but some of the characters were pretty one-dimensional.

Becky Chambers - A Psalm for the Wild-Built

This was lovely but also felt really unsatisfying somehow? Anyway I will read anything Becky Chambers writes, so.

Pauliina Haasjoki - Himmeä sininen piste (finnish)

Essays on climate change, the environment, etc. I came away from this book with a lot of thoughts and with a long list of books and movies to get my hands on.

Ali Hazelwood - Love on the Brain

Okay I fucking loved this one actually, this was even better than The Love Hypothesis. Sorry not sorry. Two notes though: 1) apparently the two main characters had a height difference of 40 cm and as someone who once dated a guy maybe 30 cm taller than me, I have to say the logistics of the kissing are not as simple as this book makes it seem, and 2) I don't like Ali Hazelwood's sex scenes at all rip.

Xiran Jay Zhao - Iron Widow

!!!!!!!!!

Alexandria Bellefleur - Written in the Stars

When will I escape the fucking Harry Potter references, if this wasn't a library book I would have set fire to it. That said, the rest of it was really nice, we love a little F/F fake dating opposites attract romance moment, although I can't speak to the quality of the sex scenes bcos I was reading this on the train sitting next to my mum so I kind of skipped those.

Miira Luhtavaara - Pinnallisuus (finnish)

Idk this had some fun visual stuff but mostly this was just like. Words. Apparently this is an award-winning poet but maybe I'm not cultured enough bcos I cannot understand why.

Jennette McCurdy - I'm Glad My Mom Died

The internet's been buzzing about this so much I had to read it despite barely knowing who Jennette McCurdy is; this was really good but also I felt so voyeuristic reading it like "noo I don't need to know this stuff about a complete stranger, why am I reading this" as if she didn't write it herself in a book for people to read.

Christina Sweeney-Baird - The End of Men

Based on the reviews etc that I read, I think that a lot of people (including the author) approached this book from a non-speculative-fiction background. I came to this book having read a) a bunch of disaster, incl. pandemic fiction and b) The Female Man by Joanna Russ and Ammonite by Nicola Griffith. So I understand that this was groundbreaking to some people, but to me it was a bit of a let-down. Obviously not every book has to add something new to its genre, but with feminist sci-fi I think I'd expect some awareness of genre, at least.

Also. If you don't know anything about genetics and infectious diseases, it's okay to not go into detail about them. I don't mind the idea of a vague nebulous disease that only kills men (as a plot device in fiction, I mean, I'm not buzzed about the idea in real life), I can suspend my disbelief. I stop being able to suspend disbelief when an author writes something this incredibly wrong.

Louisa M Alcott - Little Women

I watched the 90's adaptation recently bcos my man (John Neville) is in it so I figured I ought to read the book someday - I mean, I read some of it as a kid but I don't think I ever finished it - and honestly, I think child me was right bcos this book really isn't all that great.

Trish Milburn - A Cowboy's Kiss

I go on bookbub to look at my deals, I see the word "cowboy" and black out and the next thing I know that shit is in my google play library. ANYWAY. A librarian named Anna gets in an accident, and has to be looked after by a sexy doctor who is also a cowboy?? Sign me the fuck up.

Fiona MacArthur - Lacey

This was a pretty dull book and also loses so many points for the love interest being a cop, but you don't look a free ebook in the mouth.

Rachael Bloome - The Truth in Tiramisu

Another pretty meh romance.

Kerttu Kotakorpi - Suomen luonto 2100 (finnish)

A little prediction into what Finland might be like in the year 2100 as far as climate and weather go - an interesting read, for sure, if a bit depressing (:

Sari Elfving - Saattaja

Well. I liked the concept (1939, biology student doesn't get to go along on a research trip to find a butterfly she's interested in, war breaks out and she fakes nurse credentials to go serve in the war so she can see the butterfly), and I thought it was well-written, but I also just mostly did not like this book.

Martha Wells - All Systems Red (finnish translation)

I hate reading translations but sometimes needs must - this was sooo good oh my god. I need to read this entire series right now immediately thank you.

Lempi Nyyssönen - Taskukellon aikaa (finnish)

Was at grandma's, picked up one of the few poetry books she has, turns out this was written by her former neighbour. Not the most interesting poetry I've ever read tbh but also not the worst.

CJ Carmichael - Melt My Heart, Cowboy

A pretty good book about the friendship between Rosie, a writer/chocolate shop worker dealing with a big life change, and Sara Maria, a young autistic woman recovering from a breakdown and trying to find her own place in life without being defined by her family. Oh except it's actually a romance between Rosie and Brant, Sara Maria's brother and the cowboy of the title. It's just that he's the least interesting character in the book, and a bit of a dick, and even Rosie is like "why do I like this guy, he's a dick to his sister and he kind of sucks" sooo.

This book gets bonus points for Rosie finding out Sara Maria is autistic and her reaction being, and I quote, "like the Sheldon character on Big Bang Theory?"

Sangu Mandanna - The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches

This was mostly Really Good except remember that thing I wrote before about having to write obstacles to romance that are exactly the right size? The obstacle in this one should have been too big, actually, holy shit.

Carina Taylor - Tuesdays Like That

This book has really fantastic dialogue. The rest of it isn't that great.

Holly Smale - The Cassandra Complex

I'm putting spoilers here bcos I would have wanted them myself: I was so distracted reading this bcos first a side character made some comment about Cassandra, the main character, being on the spectrum, I was like "oh is she autistic?" (yes) and when I figured she probably was my next question was "does she know she's autistic?" (no.)

I did enjoy the book though, would recommend.

Note: I have left three books off this list bcos some things are between me and God (or, as it happens, between me and Google Play Books which now knows too much about me). Anyway see you in six months for part two! :)

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moviemunchies · 4 years ago

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I’m going to start with pointing out that this:

“Lo there do I see my father. Lo there do I see my mother and my sisters and my brothers. Lo, there do I see the line of my people back to the beginning. Lo, they call out to me. They bid me take my place among them In the halls of Valhalla where the brave shall live forever.”

--is FROM this movie. I keep seeing it, or variations of it, circulated around media as if it’s a genuine historical prayer that Norsemen used in funerals. From well-meaning Tumblr users making gifsets to English white supremacist douchebags to freaking God of War this gets copied and pasted all the time and it makes me mad. One of those links goes into the history of the quote, which is derived from the book, which itself is derived from the historical record, but the words “Lo there do I see my father”? It’s not! I don’t mind that the movie uses this, but I hate that people, many of whom haven’t even seen this film, think it’s a piece of historical religion when it’s nothing of the sort.

STOP CLAIMING THIS IS HISTORY. IT ISN’T.

Anyway let’s actually talk about this movie.

Michael Crichton, on a bet from a colleague, wrote a book called Eaters of the Dead that’s a retelling of Beowulf from the point of view of Ibn Fadlan, a real life historical explorer who encountered Norsemen and is one of our early sources about Nordic culture in the medieval period. The book is meant to be read as a recently rediscovered historical document, but it’s also kind of a horror story, that strips away the overt supernatural elements of the original poem while still feeling like an epic fantasy quest and including other elements that are more speculative than historical, but still not outright magical.

It’s an interesting book, if you’re curious for something different.

A movie was made that was relatively faithful to the book, and then test audiences didn’t like it, so the director got fired and half of it was reshot by Crichton himself in the director’s chair and released. It didn’t do so well, costing the studio millions of dollars. But weirdly enough, I think the movie is seen fondly enough by casual audiences these days. It’s entered the culture somehow or another, if the prevalence of the “old Viking prayer” is anything to go by.

Basically, it goes like this: after falling in love with another man’s wife, Ibn Fadlan is reassigned from Baghdad to a far out post as an ambassador. He runs into some Norsemen, who are having a funeral for their king, and is there when they are called to go north and fight an unnamed evil by King Hrothgar. The soothsayer tells them that they need thirteen warriors, and that the thirteenth warrior must be a foreigner. So Ibn Fadlan, despite not being a fighter, gets roped into this adventure. He and his companions go on the journey and fight the wendol, a race of monsters that come with the mist and attack, taking people’s heads and eating corpses. They have to figure out how to kill these things and bring peace back to the land.

The main weakness with this movie, in my opinion, is that I don’t know who most of these people are. A good chunk of them aren’t named on screen in the film, despite the fact that there are thirteen of them. Vladimir Kulich, who plays Buliwyf, had his own ideas as to how to fix that in a short amount of time--have a scene during the trip where the camera goes through the entire crew, pausing on each member and showing their traits, but this never happened.

But the main Norseman in the group that Ibn Fadlan hangs out with? I could not tell you his name. According to things I’ve looked up, it's ‘Herger’ but I couldn’t be sure that’s accurate. That’s frustrating. I don’t need all of their backstories (although why one of them is apparently a Scotsman would be nice to know), but I would like to know at least a handful of their names so I cared what happened to them. Oddly, the credits give them a quick descriptor, but not all of those descriptors actually match, and it isn’t as if there’s indicators before some of them are killed off.

What I can tell you is that Antonio Banderas plays Ibn Fadlan. He does pretty well considering he’s not Arab. Yes, it would have been better to get an Arabic performer, but Banderas isn’t bad in the role. He’s a lot more of an action hero in the movie than in the book, but not so much that I ever felt like it was too much of a stretch.

Dennis Storhoi is Herger, the one Norseman who gets the most personality. He’s clearly having fun in the role, playing a Norseman who acts like he doesn’t take anything seriously but has a better grasp of what the others are thinking and how they’re going to act than he lets on. I liked him.

I mentioned Vladimir Kulich earlier plays Buliwyf, this story’s Beowulf. He plays it very stoically, which I felt worked for the character they’re portraying. However, I can understand if some viewers found it a boring performance. I didn’t think so--I thought he came across as thoughtful and calm despite his situation, very rarely having to raise his voice and yet still commanding respect.

The action scenes are alright--I can’t say there were amazing fight sequences, but they do feel like appropriately epic battles, and there aren’t any annoying camera tricks, and absolutely no CGI at all that I can find.

So yes, it’s a bit corny as a historical epic movie, but I think it holds up well enough. It’s a bit of fun, and if you’re familiar with the original poem, it’s an enjoyable movie. I think it’s worth seeing. I can understand that it’s not for everyone, but for me it worked.

I’m just tired of seeing that “traditional Viking prayer” all over the place.

#13th Warrior #Beowulf #Antonio Banderas #Ibn Fadlan #Movie Munchies

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bulletproofscales · 4 years ago

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the realest of selves

this is the namkook fic i told yall i was working on, the birthday friend already recived it so i thougth id post it! its not feederism and its very fluffy. hope you enjoy!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28723872/chapters/70426767

9/9 chapters 6.4 words

tags: established relationship, misunderstandings, fluff, happy ending

the one where jungkook falls in love again through namjoon’s poems, without knowing its him

Moma Muji.

That's the brand of the notebook Jungkook has in his hands… or, hand actually. It's rather small.

Must be passport sized.

He doesn’t own one of these.

He fumbles with it curiously. No, Jungkook doesn’t pick random objects he finds laying around; his mother raised him right.

But this wasn’t just any random object, this notebook had been left abandoned at Jungkook’s favorite desk in the college library. Specifically perfect because nobody used it: desk free of bumps from the scribbles or from people who wrote with too much force, minimal amount of gum stuck beneath it (He aspired for zero, but his dreams had been crushed pretty early on to his college life). The positioning was perfect too, far enough that the library’s wifi didn’t reach it, which was practically useless with the amount of work covered students plaguing the place constantly; but if he needed too, he could connect to the wifi from the classrooms nearby (And Jungkook went to the library at night time so… no classes happening at all)

It's the perfect desk and if something was left forgotten here, then it means it isn’t his anymore.

Which means he has the right to investigate.

The ragged, leather like texture feels expensive against his fingers. If he had to name the color, it would be a slightly darker version of a persian green; it's pretty. Jungkook can’t imagine someone using this for any academic purposes, given the size. He keeps playing around with it in his hands, hesitant.

It is one thing to pick up a stranger’s notebook on the desk, but to open it? It's a completely different violation of privacy. And he said it before: his mother raised him right.

Muji is an artsy brand right? These types of stationary notebooks probably have an information slot where he can find information; a name at least. Something to make hipsters who buy Muji, feel like their notebook is more special and personalized.

If he wants to find the owner he has to open it, doesn’t he?

No. Jungkook could simply deliver it to the librarian and let the owner look for it themselves.

Curiosity is killing him, though. To the point he was already opening the notebook even before he finished that thought. Eyes wide and fingers eager as he leans forward to find what he is looking for.

This notebook belongs to:

the Real Me

Oh.

Oh fuck.

This person is more hipster than Jungkook had even prepared himself to.

That tells him… absolutely nothing.

Hope you’re happy, Jungkook thinks to himself, directing it to the random hipster stranger.

As spiteful as he is of this infuriating halt that was brought to his detective adventure, he has to admit, the vulnerability of the stranger’s answer did absolutely nothing to calm his curiosity.

There's a few moments of quiet, just Jungkook and the first page staring at one another, as if daring him to look further, to sink deeper into the real authentic version of someone he has never even met.

I promise I won’t judge. He thinks apologetically as he flips the page.

In the blood you shed in the winter i was born red

Plum blossom in the snow:

Camellia,

Daffodil

Yeah, yeah, you can call me whatever you want

Listen up, winter you’ve bloomed me

Now I’m going to burn my branches blue

06/01/20

He gasps, as if Jeongguk had been holding his breath the entire time while reading it.

Moma Muji, passport size.

He looked it up when he got back to his dorm. It is in fact passport sized, the same exact measurements as a passport: 4.92 x 3.36 inches. How funny is that?

Jungkook had intended to continue reading in the library. But after...that, a feeling took over him that he was opening in a place far too public for the realest self of the (apparently) poet.

A poet…

There's a dreamy sigh that leaves his lips.

Anyways! The point is he took the notebook to his dorm and is now preparing himself to read more of it; from the safety of the locked door.

I’m real good, but a little uncomfortable

I’m still not sure if I’m a dog or a pig or what else

But then other people put a pearl necklace on me

So much blabbering

One says ‘run’ another says ‘stop’

This one says `look at the forest`

That one says ‘look at the wildflower’

My shadow, I wrote and called it ‘hesitation’

So they really are a poet.

In the back of Jungkook’s head he had expected for that first one to just be a silly quote this person added to the beginning of their notebook; maybe from a song from a band that they brag about listening to before it was popular.

But it's not…. this person is a poet…

This person is a romantic . The thought comes with a warmth that spreads across his cheeks.

It's obvious, these are romance poems. The first one, speaking about falling in love in the winter, about how delicate the poet’s significant other makes them feel; as delicate as these winter blooming flowers, comparing himself to a plant that burns under their love even during the winter. Love is getting them through the cold.

The second poem, however, is a lot less optimistic. Clearly the poet is battling their own feelings of inadequacy with the flattering words of their partner. They think of themself as a pig or a dog while they’re being treated with love. Different directions and orders are being directed to the poet are the contradicting opinions of themself: the ones they hear of their own and the ones from their partner.

So they’re probably in a relationship , he thinks with a little apprehension.

Not that it matters to Jungkook what this literal stranger is doing with their romantic life. He has to remind himself that, given that just the two poems had been able to give Jungkook a sensation of… odd familiarity; as if he knows this person already. It seemed as if with those poems he had gotten a glimpse of the poet’s two sides.

Obviously, the poems already showed two sides regarding the theme of love: safety and doubt. But aside from that, Jungkook couldn’t help but notice the difference in the way of expressing these sides: while the first poem was melodic and metaphorical, the second one held a language that sounded just a lot more accessible and down to earth.

This person must have thought about this relationship a lot.

It doesn’t matter, and it most certainly doesn’t affect him; so Jungkook shuts the notebook closed. He’ll just go about his day.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches.

Why does Jungkook remember the exact size?

Hell, why is he thinking about that notebook at all?!

Jungkook had rushed out, stumbling into his running shoes and beanie. Joonie had invited him to go out for a run even though they’re well into winter. And Jungkook… he is smitten enough to say yes.

But, nobody can blame him. He always has so much fun when he is with Namjoon… Or well, he tends to have fun, when his mind isn’t keeping him distracted with useless things!

Useless things like the way Namjoon’s route goes by a huge Camellia bush.

Yeah yeah call me whatever you want

Would Joon like it if he called him Camellia? Would his branches burn blue with love?

“Jungkook-ah, you’ll trip if you keep running that deep into your head, baby.” His endeared tone calls him out of the deep trance. His voice is a little breathless from running, he does so effortlessly while talking after years of taking this same route. The youngest has to shake his head a little bit, for a moment, Namjoon’s voice still sounded a little bit far away.

“You look like you saw a ghost, whats up?” For some reason, his boyfriend’s obliviousness only leads Jungkook to one conclusion: Namjoon hasn’t noticed the Camellia bush.

Of course he hasn’t, why would he?

Jungkook… Can’t ignore the sour disappointment in his tongue.

…

Odd.

They’ve stopped running now.

You still have to answer something, Jungkook.

“Oh.. I was just-..” He cuts himself off. Doing what? Judging Namjoon for not meeting the standards of a random poet?

“Those flowers are pretty.” Jungkook finds his voice a little softer, gesturing to the bush a little bit behind him; still at arms reach. He can’t help but sound shy, the answer he came with on the spot was… rather silly.

But, at least it was true , he thinks as his eyes linger over the gorgeous splashes of pink.

Namjoon’s expression is startled for a second, before melting into tooth rotting fondness. “You like Camellias?” Jungkook can feel the older’s eyes on him, tender and loving; before his hand is reaching tenderly for the bush.

He can’t lie, Jungkook is a little hypnotized by the way Namjoon’s knuckles look caressing the flower carefully. “So, do you?” The young hadn’t realized he had forgotten to breathe at the sight, Namjoon’s voice grounding him yet again from his wandering thoughts.

His nod comes hurriedly, thank god Namjoon is used to his spacing out; his chuckles help Jungkook’s shoulders sag down relaxed. He hadn’t even realized he had tensed them in the first place. “They only bloom in the winter… Feels special.” A shy smile grows on his face as he eyes up at Namjoon; he is already staring at the younger with a soft look.

“Who would have guessed you knew about flowers.” There's something gently amused about his tone, playful and flirty. It still makes Jungkook feel exposed.

He doesn’t know about flowers. He just looked up the flowers on his way from the library. But of course Namjoon would pick up on it, his boyfriend has been into botany since before they even started dating.

Meanwhile Jungkook… has no excuse. He tries to hide it in his face. “Only after spending so much time with you! ”He exclaims softly, nudging his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. Jungkook hadn’t realized they were so close, his hand goes to meet Namjoon’s where it's cradling the flower. “Do you have one of these?” His voice comes out quietly, too caught up admiring the sight of their big hands holding the almost hyperbolically delicate flower.

Do you imagine the poet cares for Camellias and Daffodils?

Namjoon chuckles softly, for some reason, it feels like he is reading Jungkook’s thoughts. “No, they’re a little too hard to maintain just for a pretty flower that comes once a year.”

Oh… He can’t help his disheartened reaction.

“Hey, don’t look so disappointed.” Jungkook’s eyes snap from where they were stranded on the flower, Namjoon’s hand isn’t there anymore; but he can distinctively feel a hand gingerly tucking a strand of hair into Jungkook’s beanie. Handling the younger in a similar fashion than he did the flower. “We can come take care of this one every once in a while; I’m sure I got some ericaceous fertilizer saved up.” His eyes meet Namjoon, smiling tenderly.

Jungkook can feel his chest tighten in affection. A grin spreads across his face. “This is just an excuse for you to take me in more runs with you, isn’t it?” He can barely hold his accusing laugh, launching forward to press his fists to Namjoon’s chest; it earns a roll of his eyes, but Jungkook can the tremble of a laugh under his hands.

“Can’t even start a nice project with your boyfriend anymore. Romance is so dead.” His attempts for sound annoyed are laughable. And the answer only makes it more obvious what Namjoon’s intentions truly were.

Romance can’t be dead, though. Not as long as that Moma Muji, passport sized, 4.92 x 3.36 inch notebook is sitting in his dorm.

He feels guilt as he side eyes the notebook laying on his bedside table. Especially with the feeling of Namjoon’s plush lips lingering on his cheek from when he just dropped Jungkook by his room.

Especially when that persian green cover is a mocking reminder of the Camellia bush they encountered; reminding Jungkook that the flower mentioned in the poem has no relation to Jungkook’s life outside from the confines of that green leather cover.

Reminding Jungkook of how… oddly disappointed he is by that fact.

He plops heavily on his bed, arm reaching for his bedside table. When he grips the notebook and opens it, he does it spitefully.

I wanted to have the sea so I swallowed it up

But I’m even thirstier than before

Is what I know really an ocean?

Or a blue dessert?

Maybe it's the soothing feeling of his stomach full from the food he had with Namjoon after his run.

Maybe it's the dark outside his window, allowing his thoughts to think of someone, somewhere, who can’t have enough of their lover.

He doesn’t know… But he manages to fall asleep.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover.

The guilt follows him like a shadow.

Damn, he is even thinking in poems now.

He can't help it! He can’t help the way that, despite Namjoon giving him everything, he still longs for a romance like the one in the poems. Everyday, Jungkook sinks a little deeper into the vulnerable self of the poet; his heart fluttering at their verses while simultaneously expecting Namjoon to keep up with him. Keep up with his sensitive tugging of his heartstring that his boyfriend doesn't seem to be syncing to.

In fact, Namjoon seems to be more weary of Jungkook’s attempts at romance. Acknowledging them for sure and just, he isn’t de--escalating his gestures… But… he seems weary of them.

We need the scenery of the night more than anyone

You are the only one, that comforts me more than anything

Thinking “don’t think” it's a thought on itself, you know?

With your falling eyes I look at the night sky again

We are each other's night view

We are each other's moon

The poet said, and Jungkook thought while standing on the balcony of Namjoon’s apartment. The both of them are way too under-dressed for the weather; clouds looking menacing above them; hunched over the railing shoulders pressed together.

It's calm, however, Jungkook feels like his heart will beat out of his chest. Too many words, too many emotions that he can feel bottling up in chest; threatening to spill in a way that he fears is quite too vulnerable to present to Namjoon.

“I really need moments like these.” It feels as if with the help of the poet,Jungkook was able to really grow more comfortable voicing out his thoughts like these. A fear he had to explain to Namjoon when they first started dating, nervously reassured him that he did want a relationship; despite his lack of enthusiasm.

He was so embarrassed back then… Still dealing with the aftermath of a self-homophobic past.

“What about them?” He can feel Namjoon side-eyeing him with a smile.

Of course he doesn’t get it.

That’s something else Jungkook has been losing his grip of: the snarky comments that come out of Namjoon's… inadequacy? He shouldn’t even be calling it that, not when Namjoon has given him everything. It's just, lately, the more Jungkook grows in his romantic acts and words, the more it seems Namjoon is just… playing dumb.

He isn’t picking up any of his signals.

It's getting frustrating.

It's like Namjoon is just backing down when things were starting to get serious for them.

And that fucking hurts.

“Nothing, forget it.” He mumbles eyes still strained on the city infront of them. “It's getting late anyways, I should probably head back.” He can’t hide the distance in his voice. They had agreed Jungkook was staying over, and it's obvious how that objection hangs off Namjoon's tongue as he stares a little widened. Jungkook answers before he can speak. “I have early class tomorrow, it's better if I go from my dorm.”

Somehow, the disappointment grows on his boyfriend’s face more at that. “Oh…” Jungkook fights the urge to kiss the pout off his pouting lips. “Yeah you’re right it would just be… inconvenient to stay here.”

When Jungkook leaves, he feels a heaviness in his chest. But he chooses to ignore it.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages.

24 of them, ruled, though only 16 are being used. Jungkook knows because he counted them, even if he hasn’t gotten to read everything he skimmed through the pages in a weak attempt to distract his mind. The unnecessary but easy counting of the pages, most of them double-sided in their use, except for the last one (They must have gotten tired of the ink bleeding through the pages, Jungkook asumes), helps keep his mind off last night.

Not that he has anything he needs distraction from. He is fine.

Him and Namjoon are fine .

No big fight occurred, no insensitive one sided fallout, no revolutionary discovery. But why does Jungkook feel so… off?

So neglected, so scammed, so robbed of a romance he could be having but doesn’t have. That Namjoon doesn’t let him have.

Jungkook always does this, he always feels so intensely, always too needy and too ready to fall in love. At a speed and intensity that doesn’t match others. He had revealed so much of himself to Namjoon, had been so open about his devotion, his complete and thorough adoration; and he convinced himself to believe Namjoon was okay with his arduous loving.

But if Jungkook took a second to think about it, he had been a fool to think that. Namjoon, his Namjoon is a philosopher by default, a thinker, he dissects, and recognizes, and categorizes, and doubts . Namjoon has so many doubts. About everything really, so perceptive of his surroundings he theorizes about things that aren't his business, except they are because Namjoon has an interest for every little thing in this world.

And it's as enamouring, as it is deadly.

Namjoon questions, questions himself, his intentions, his moral, his relationships, his worthiness .

It’s been four years.

But it's never too late for Namjoon to have second doubts. Even when Jungkook is sinked… so, so deep..

Maybe they aren’t meant to b-

Maybe Jungkook should read a poem.

Parting is to me, a tear that blooms unknowingly in my eyes

All the things we couldn’t say flow out

And lingering feelings crawl up my face

Parting is the reward that comes only at the end

Of my play of lies

It feels like hours as Jungkook stares at it, entranced. Only when he sees a teardrop make the ink bleed and smudge, is when he is snapped out of it.

He sets the notebook down in his night stand. Jungkook doesn’t feel like reading anymore of it, the knot on his chest only tightened by the unhelpful words of the poem.

He read enough .

Jungkook curls to his side dejected, as if offended at the poet and his own relationship problems.

Maybe romance is dead after all.

He feels his shoulders tremble in what's a sob shaking its way out of his lungs. Is he really going to give up Namjoon? Just for a romance that clearly isn’t as perfect as he thought it was?

He can’t.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages, ruled, only 16 used.

That's what he thinks when his hand reaches for the notebook almost in a hurry. Jungkook had run back from that dreadful early class, he was barely able to concentrate, a plan forming in his head just as he was about to go to sleep dejected and sad. It kept him all night from the nerves of it all. He has to make things right, and the lack of sleep didn’t stop his adrenaline as it made his mind wander even with the professor explaining in front of him.

The point is Jungkook has the notebook and is desperately running to Namjoon’s apartment.

Guess all those winter runs served some purpose at least.

Maybe he is being stupid for running in negative number weather in clothes that were apropriate for his ac-heated classroom. But fuck it.

Romance is alive, and Jungkook is the breathing, sprinting, embodiment of it.

When he reaches Namjoon’s apartment, his throat feels like it has shards of ice poking at it with every deep swallow of air, the skin across his cheeks and nose sporting a blush from the cold and knife-like wind across his face running here. His hair is a mess, there’s definitely sweat stains under his arms, and he most definitely looks insane.

He also kinda forgot to tell Namjoon he was coming over, he knows his boyfriend’s schedules and routines so he should be home right now. He always has friday morning’s off. So he doesn’t bother letting Namjoon know, rather fumbling with his shaky, numb fingers to reach for the spare key. The ends of his hands are also red from the cold, tingling and making his movements clumsy.

But he manages to put the key into the whole regardless. And feeling quite proud of himself and with adrenaline still pumping through his veins, he opens the door.

Namjoon is standing near the door, hunched over halfway through putting on his shoes, looking up surprised. It seems as if adrenaline was only willing to get him this far, as it leaves Jungkook’s body completely.

“Babe…” Namjoon’s voice is cutely stunned, with his eyes widened and plump lips adorably parted with a mouth that stays ajar. “What are you doing here?”

“Where were you going?” Jungkook asks instead of answering. His voice is embarrassingly small for someone who took a 35 minute run without an ounce of doubt. Maybe he's just out of breath.

Oh god, Namjoon was leaving, he has stuff to do Jungkook came at a bad time, he is probably over exaggerating and took all of this way out of proportion and Namjoon didn’t even think anything was wrong at all and he is just making a big scene for nothing being the big, needy baby that he is; bothering Namjoon with his useless emotions-

“Your dorm.” He replies so simply, like sinceirty costs him nothing when it's to Jungkook. “I asked first though.” And his tone isn't accusatory as it is teasing.

Namjoon doesn’t specify, but something inside him wants to believe the older was on his way to do the same as Jungkook.

“I...I wanted to tell you something?” He can’t help but sound doubtful. Even when he knows Namjoon is on his way to see him, even when his eyes are soft enough to melt the shard of ice growing on Jungkook's throat; he can’t seem to recognize if it's from the run or the anxiety. “It's kinda silly, though.” He can’t help but coax that out as well. from the outside one would consider Jungkook is belittling his feelings, yet belittling it makes it less of a big deal and maybe it can calm the speeding rate of his heartbeat.

“It must be important if you came right after class.” Namjoon says taking off the single shoe he had managed to put on and properly stand up straight eyeing Jungkook. “Did you run all the way from the bus station? Jungkook…” He scolds, taking Jungkook's frozen hands into his own bigger warmer ones and drags him in.

Jungkook for a moment has to hold back a snicker imagining Namjoon’s reaction if he knew how he actually got here. And he looks so cute with his small frown and determined expression already. He can feel his own heart sizing up as Namjoon drags him by the hands into the couch, hushing about Jungkook being too careless and too underdressed as he drapes a heavy blanket over his shoulders.

He feels cared for, it's nice.

It's only when Namjoon forced a hot cup of tea into Jungkook’s hands, that they slowly start to regain their feeling, that the older sits back down next to him on the couch. His eyes are concerned, unsure, as if all this had just been an excuse to make time, before he inevitably has to ask. “What-uh--What did you want to tell me?” He manages to smile, but Jungkook knows him all too well.

Jungkook’s expression doesn’t falter though, he is ready to do this. He needs to do this.

“You...you’re probably wondering what happened to me yesterday.” Namjoon’s expression drops at that nodding a bit quickly, eagerly, and all too endearingly. Jungkook really made him worry, didn’t he?

“I was upset over some rando’s romantic poems,because--well its stupid but- they were so corny and romantic, they actually made me doubt what you and I have.” He can't help the incredulous tone of his voice because, saying it outloud finally, it really is so ridiculous. Jungkook shakes his head smiling, as if humored.

When his eyes find Namjoon again, they melt with love at the older’s stunned expression. “I convinced myself we were out of sync, or that you weren’t getting anything I sent your way. But it was just those stupid corny poems getting to me.” He sets the cup down, hands warm enough to hold Namjoon’s.

“But I am stupid, and corny, and in love.” He feels his own cheeks burning. “So I want to dedicate these poems to you.” Jungkook knows his smile is giddy like a childs as he reaches for his pocket taking the infamous notebook and handing it to Namjoon with an excited smile.

His boyfriend still looks stunned, and Jungkook can only think about how much smaller the passport sized notebook fits in his hands; even when Jungkook’s own hands aren’t particularly small, it's his boyfriend’s fault for being so family-sized.

With a great amount of strength, he forces himself to stop looking at his boyfriend’s gorgeous hands as he skims through the pages. He is a little surprised to find a frown on Namjoon’s brow, an anxious feeling settling over the younger at the bottom of his stomach.

“How much did you read of it?” Namjoon asks eyes staying glued to the notebook on his lap, avoiding Jungkook’s wide vulnerable eyes.

“U-uh.. I read… I read the first five, though--though the fifth one isn't romantic I only want the first four of them for you. They--I think they fit perfectly into my--my feelings for you.” Jungkook is growing nervous by the second, Namjoon’s eyes stay strained on the notebook, as Jungkook grows more and more convinced that he is exposing too much too intensely again.

“So you didn’t read the whole thing.” For the first time since Jungkook handed him the notebook, Namjoon’s eyes traveled to meet Jungkook’s unsure eyes. He can’t find his voice so he just shakes his head, and that makes his boyfriend's shoulders relax with a sigh. “Okay that explains it.”

“Ex-Explains what?”

“None of those poems are romantic, Jungkook-ah.”

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages, ruled, only 16 used, poems 1-5 non-romantic themes (allegedly).

“How--how would you know?” Jungkook asks almost defensively, as if standing up for the stranger poet with fanaticism.

Namjoon winces as if it pains him to say it. “I left the notebook by your desk, its uh--mine.” He was avoiding Jungkook’s eyes until now, staring up at him vulnerable, but with a small smile. “They aren’t romantic poems.”

Jungkook’s world stops for just a second, the shock is evident on his face. He is beginning to open his mouth to speak again but he can’t find anything in his seemingly hollow head to say anything. “Well...That’s embarrassing.” He manages to say, feeling the tip of his ears burn.

He made that whole love scene.

“I believe the reader can find more than one structured meaning to the poems, it's not that my meaning is above yours just because I wrote it.” Namjoon explains, and maybe it's his imagination, but he sounds a lot more comfortable having seen his own loss of words on Jungkook’s tongue. He is handing him back the notebook, the older’s smile is almost as giddy as his when he first started his monologue.

“That sounds like bullshit to make me feel better.” He manages to joke with a grin.

“You should read it, the ending” Namjoon’s smile turns warm. He didn’t deny it. Sounds like, thinking the creator’s intentions are equal to the perception of the auciende, is bullshit after all. “It's kinda important.” There's humor in his voice and a pout forms on the younger’s lips.

“Well I liked to appreciate them one poem at a time!” He defends but it's harmless under Namjoon’s loving stare.

“You could have just recognized my handwriting, baby.” Jungkook’s face blushes in embarrassment.

“And take away all the mystery? No.”

Jungkook’s fingers are hurried and clumsy as he flips over the pages, at first eyeing the poems that had already plagued his mind for weeks. And as he continues forward finding more scribbles and poems, only recognizing a word or two before skipping until he reached the last pages. His heart threatened to beat its way out of Jungkook’s chest.

He is pretty sure he is on page 14 when he meets what he is looking for.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages, ruled, only 16 used, poems 1-5 non-romantic themes (confirmed by author: Jungkook’s boyfriend).

Jungkook

His own name stares back at him as he prepares himself for what's next. But he can't find it in himself to feel afraid, not with the weight of Namjoon’s adoring eyes on him.

If you’ve reached this part is because you managed to read through this notebook and whatever I coax out of myself to write in it. I

If you reached this part, then it means you managed to get through all the ugly that I put in here, all my doubts and fears and sour thoughts, I displayed them to you.

Because you make me believe that all my ugly insides are worthy of love; that my entire self is somehow deserving of you. You make me want to show you my realest self.

So, I did. And even if it hasn’t happened I’m terrified of the thought already; no one has made me sink as deep as you, while simultaneously lifting me up higher than ever.

For some reason, I get the feeling I’m exaggerating, since you always find a way to love the unlovable parts of myself. But despite that, I want to give you something pretty, and worthy of love.

I used to be one of those whatever people

I didn’t believe in what real love is

I used to say habitually “I want to love”

But I found myself. The whole new myself.

I met you and did I realize that I’m a book

I want to be the best man for you

It's probably naturally because you are my world itself

You are my beginning and the end itself

I wanna become part of your bookcase

I wanna interfere in your novel as your lover.

What would it be like if I really went to you?

If I went to you, would you be sad?

If I am not the one, what would I be?

In the end, would you leave me too?

The wind wind wind that grazes me

I hope that isn’t just this.

My feelings are blue blue blue

My entire head is filled with blue

How much much much

How much much much you…

You’re my person

You’re my wind

You’re my pride

You’re my love

You’re my love.

Jungkook, I want to share my ugly and my pretty with you, I want to let you see me whole .

Would you move in with me?

“You...You didn’t just imagine me acting off sync.” Namjoon breaks the suffocating silence as Jungkook’s widened eyes leave the sixteenth page of the notebook. It looks like the older’s expression has softened, even if sadly. “I thought you had read it all and just...didn’t know how to reject me.” He smiles but it's gloomy eyes avoiding the younger, as if he had assumed this was a fact.

A little bit of Jungkook’s heart breaks at that.

A life shared with Namjoon, Namjoon who trusts Jungkook the deepest parts of his being, that trusts in Jungkook’s ability to love, to treat him delicately around ugly insides, and grounding against a weak trembling frame.

Like he looks right now, eyes nervous and strained on Jungkook as his hands fondle with each other shoulders raising and falling shakily with quivering breaths. Jungkook doesn’t even have to think twice.

Both his hands reach for Namjoon’s shoulders, making sure his entire attention is on him. Namjoon's lowered head perks up startled. “Joonie… I’m sorry your plan didn’t work out the way you intended.” He smiles apologetically and he lets his hands slide down Namjoon’s arms and onto his fiddling hands. “But it's not like it matters.” His tone it's relaxed but it doesn’t seem to calm Namjoon, not even with the stroking of his thumbs over the older's hand.

There's a question rising up the older’s throat but Jungkook doesn’t let it. “It doesn’t matter because... I want to move in with you.” He sees all the tension leave Namjoon’s expression into pure surprise, endearing enough that it coaxes a giggle out of Jungkook, tugging his bigger hands closer to him, kissing him softly; surprised to find Namjoon kissing back with what he can only imagine is all the pent up emotion from this week.

He doesn’t question it for long, he can never think all that much when Namjoon is kissing him.

“Where are you going? We already have everything.” Jungkook questions his boyfriend as he starts to exit their apartment door; which is currently filled with boxes they just brought back from Jungkook’s former dorm.

“I just have one more thing to get from my car.” He kisses the top of Jungkook’s head and without any more explanation he leaves through the door. Leaving Jungkook by himself for the first time in this entire hectic day.

The apartment looks messy, or well, messier than usual; Namjoon always tried to be neat for his boyfriend’s sake, and succeeded a few times. Most times, Jungkook would find him covered in work and would offer to clean for him, claiming to be ‘trophy wife’ material. Its catastrophic now, covered in boxes, Jungkookisn’t a hoarder but Namjoon’s apartment is what one would politely call ‘cozy’. It's catastrophic, yet Jungkook can only feel his heart size up in excitement and giddiness; as if completely unaffected by the mess like he normally would.

It's just hard to focus on the mess, when every time he tries to he sees traces of himself in this apartment: in his box of old CDs that will go in a shared collection with Namjoon’s, or how his boyfriend indulged him by taking Jungkook’s energy crystals out of the moving box and into the spaces of the apartment here they belong (even when it's obvious he doesn’t believe in them for a second), or the way Namjoon got some of Jungkook’s photos printed out and framed so they can decide where to hang them sometime this week.

He’s only been living here for half a day, and Namjoon’s place is already his.

Well, to be fair, Namjoon has been his for a considerably longer amount of time. And that fact alone is enough to make Jungkook stand just the slightest bit taller than before.

Yes he is proud, sue him.

“Back.” Namjoon announces softly shutting the door, and taking out his snow soaked boots, with a hand suspiciously behind his back.

In a wave of confidence Jungkook can’t help the flirty smile as he walks over to his boyfriend. “Yes, back.” A hand settles over the short hairs of Namjoon’s nape, caressing softly. “What’s behind it?” He tilts his head to the side with a smile that tries to be seductive but only manages to be bright.

“Can’t get anything past you, can I?” Namjoon’s face splits into a grin staring down slightly to Jungkook; he isn’t that short! It's just… they’re so close.

“No you can not. I own this place and I’ll establish a customs directorate right at the doorstep.” His grin is wide, cocky almost with its jokes; hands still mindlessly playing with Namjoon’s hair with arms hooked over his shoulders.

“You own the place? Does that mean you’ll pay your share of the bill?” A raised eyebrow is all Jungkook needs for his facade to collapse.

“Nooo, I think you misheard me. I just said this is my boyfriend’s place? My super generous, compassionate and broken college student boyfriend, he is great.” If hsi tone sounds desperate he doesn't care, it makes Namjoon chuckle, and that's all that matters. “No customs. But please show me? Please?” Maybe he is whining, laying limp against Namjoon’s firm torso while he whines like a child.

But you can’t criticize him for it, when it works.

“You are impossible to resist, you know it's not fair.” He says rolling his eyes and shoving Jungkook off of him, with the hand that he has available. Once they're at a comfortable distance he reveals.

A potted Camellia.

“I bet that mean poet had you pretty bummed about not having one of these.” His tone is joking but soft, adoring as a pink tone spreads over his cheeks.

Jungkook’s cheeks hurt from smiling as he nears Namjoon again, the potted plant being the only thing separating them. “He did.” He meets Namjoon’s hands helping hold the weight of the plant. Today, his hands are cold instead of Jungkook’s. “I’ll have to make him pay me somehow.”

“I’m sure he’ll find some way.” Namjoon mumbles but leaning over close enough that Jungkook understands. Placing a soft peck to his lips.

Moma Muji, passport size, 4.92 x 3.36 inches, persian green cover, 24 pages, ruled, only 16 used, poems 1-5 non-romantic themes (confirmed by author: Jungkook’s boyfriend), now sitting on a bedside table on Jungkook’s side of the bed, with a cut Camellia on a whiskey glass with water next to it. Both manifestations of how Namjoon is just as stupid and corny and in love as he is.

#namkook #kim namjoon #jeon jungkook #fluff #established relationship #poetry fic #happy ending #misunderstandings

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maggiecheungs · 4 years ago

Text

2020 ~everything~ wrap

i finally have time to do all of the tag games that people have tagged me in over the past month or so! i cannot for the life of me remember who tagged me in which one, so i’m just putting ~everything~ in one huge post. if i tag you anywhere then consider it a standing invitation to do whichever of these you haven’t done :) in fact, this is me issuing a standing invite to any of my followers who wants to do it :) also, thank you all!

Creator Wrap: Favourite Works

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

this collection of philosophy quotes paired with thai bl series, (and its sequel) which is possibly my favourite thing i’ve ever made. for, uh, nerd reasons.

these gifted text post memes i made still make me laugh sometimes

this fic about green from 2gether, which i wrote in the notes app on my phone and published the same day. not my absolute best writing but i am very fond of it <3

i have a bunch fof friend zone dangerous area edits/shitposts which i like, but i’m particularly fond of my fzda as satire headlines (which now has a sequel!)

i also love my crisgood-walmart-lesbian post. i might send it in to gmmtv to try and convince them to do a crisgood-bffs spin-off

+ bonus: since i wrote this list i made this gifset (my first ever!) of jennie panhan in the shipper and i love her too much not to include her on here

+ extra nerdy bonus: this niche meme about Chinese philosophy, which still makes me crack up whenever I think about it

Favourite Creators/Follow Forever

i’ve completely lost track of who’s following who from which blog, so this is just going to be a haphazard, non-exhaustive list of people who i adore/admire/am vaguely intimidated by, mutuality be damned. maybe we talk all the time! maybe we’ve never interacted! maybe i am constantly there in ur tags... lurking... 👀... but if you’re on this list you have made me smile at least once this year and i love you for that alone <3

@wjmild kylie!! you make gifs of arm & tay & lee (separately or in various combinations) & the shipper & and kapook & random fluke pusit cameos & school rangers so i don’t have to <3 ilysm

@janeramida vianey, you have such impeccable taste in general, but your sizzy gifset in particular is so gorgeous it lives in my mind rent free

@applelapis bri, this post was a callout and i want you to know that it haunts me at night as i lie awake staring at the ceiling :((((( i hope you are happy

@gigiesarocha cata, i love it when you show up on my dash bc you have!! such taste!! also, every time you gif gigie i gain five years of life <3 pls continue doing the Good Work

@pvrrish eleni, i remeber legit thinking that this was an official poster when i first saw it, it’s so beautiful

@ahysopae juliette your khaithird fic is so good and it literally changed the way i think about khai (not an easy feat)

@kurosawadachi angel, whenever i think about grace’s speech i remember your gifset and get literal chills

@doctorbahnjit alexa, you have no right to be as funny as you are. your friend zone edits give me life

@khaotungthanawat sam, you’re probably sick of getting tagged in these lists by random strangers, but i just had to bc your gifsets are Pure Art

@tanwirapong roa, all your gifsets are so ✨iconic✨

faiza @asianmelodrama and rahul @petekaos! yours were the first two thai drama blogs i followed and for ages i lowkey thought of you as my fandom parents.

and some more blogs that make me happy: @curlykytta / @lee-thanat / @fck-inspector-m / @pangwave / @tichawongtipkanon / @tawanv @kimmonv (violet istg i have spent more time this year trying to figure out how many blogs you have than i have spent admiring your gifsets. & i spend a lot of time admiring your gifsets) / @taytawan / @1akorn and @yihwas (and your radiant lovechild @lakornladies ofc) / @teh-ohaew / @vihokratanas (mel your gifsets are just so gorgeous) / @tootiredtoosadtooangry / @headcompletelyempty / @demiromanticmickey / and there are definitely more but my brain is a sieve so apologies if i’ve forgotten anyone!! i love you all!!

2020 HIGHLIGHTS ✨

rules: list your top 10 shows (bl or not) you watched in 2020 (doesn’t necessarily have to be shows that came out in 2020 though!)

1. 2GETHER & STILL2GETHER

my first thai drama, and even after all the amazing shows i’ve watched this year, it still has a special place in my heart. watching 2gether was the first time i’d ever seen a queer romcom that just... was. for me, by the simple fact of its being, 2gether was revolutionary. and then still2gether came along and took all the best things about the first season and gave us something beautiful and quiet and lovely and just proved to me, once and for all, that queer happiness doesn’t need to justify its own existence. there can be gay cuddles on the beach for no other reason than that we want them.

2. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

i don’t really have the words for this one but. it makes my heart so very soft.

3. FRIEND ZONE 2: DANGEROUS AREA

season one was mindless fun because everyone was an absolute trashfire and it was hella cathartic to watch, but season 2... wow. i love it for so many reasons: it has messy and authentic queer rep; the characterisation is excellent and i somehow care about all of the characters; amazing women taking centre stage(!); a wlw relationship with lesbian, ace and bipolar rep; multiple interesting plotlines; actual character development; arm weerayut as a chaos gremlin... absolutely one of my favourites of 2020.

4. CHERRY MAGIC

i don’t think i need to explain this one, which is fortunate, because i have no idea how exactly i’d describe the happy-warm-fuzzy-queer-seen-loving-affirmed-profound feeling that rises in my chest whenever i think about it.

5. THE GIFTED: GRADUATION

confession: i liked season 2 more than season 1 (with the exception of the ending, which we don’t talk about). season 1 was enjoyable and interesting, but for me it was season 2 which made me love this series. it did some incredibly interesting and complicated things (even if it didn’t quite nail the landing): it pushed characters to the breaking point and wove so many layers into the story and questioned its own underlying themes. plus, watching it alongside everyone in the fandom made it 200% better. i love all of you and i love this show. egg girl 5eva.

6. THE SHIPPER

i 100% understand why so many people didn’t like this show, or found it problematic, but through some fluke it absolutely worked for me (even the ending). one day i will write an essay explaining my rationale, but for now i’ll just say that it’s one of my favourite shows about adolescence and queerness and identity and compassion and friendship and love that i’ve ever watched.

7. YYY

this series is absolutely off its rocker, and it somehow managed to be one of the most affirming shows i’ve watched. it shouldn’t have worked by it did, and i love it so much.

8. 3 WILL BE FREE

absolutely iconic. amazing plot, stunning visuals, great characters, canon polyamory, jennie being incredible... what a series.

9. MANNER OF DEATH

i love the fact that this show exists; i love the mix of crime and romance; i love maxtul’s acting; i love the central relationship; i love bun. i know we’re not even halfway through yet, but this show is doing something special and i’m so grateful that i get to watch it unfold in real time.

10. CHIHAYAFURU (SEASON 3)

odd one out on my list, but I had to include it. chihayafuru is my all-time favourite anime and it finally got a third season, which is somehow even better than the first two. mashima taichi is one of my favourite characters of all time and his storyline hits me on such a profound level. plus, in the years since i first say this show i’ve fallen in love with classical japanese literature (particularly heian poetry) so i had newfound appreciation for the karuta matches (aka i cried every time someone recited one of my favourite poems)

other favourites: together with me, he’s coming to me, sotus and sotus s, my dear loser: edge of 17, why r u, theory of love, wake up chanee!, gameboys, pearl next door, uta koi (anime), three kingdoms (2010), blood and water (netflix). (itsay would almost certainly be on my list if i’d had time to watch it. same with dark blue kiss, which i had to pause so i could do my assignments)

Final Thoughts

well, it’s been... a year (i don’t think anyone needs a reminder of the details) but writing this post has reminded me of all the amazing shows and people I discovered over the course of it.

thank you to everyone for being so lovely and creative and funny and quirky and kind and passionate. you’re all incredibly awesome people and i wish all of you the very best xx

#tag game #I think I was first tagged in one of these like three weeks ago? but I’ve been super busy #happy new year everyone #ellis talks #also I tried to keep this as short as possible bc otherwise I could have gushed for hours about you all #and this post is long enough already #but if any of you are in a low mood or want the unabridged version of my praise then message me & I’ll compliment you profusely to your face #:)

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curiosity-killed · 4 years ago

Note

Hi... If you don't mind me asking, what are your top 10 favorite books? And why? Sorry if you've answered this question before....

ah this is so cruel! on the one hand, i love so many books. on the other hand, i cannot remember a single book i have ever read D: I’ve resorted to pulling both from the pictures in this post and also a list of book recommendations I made a friend in high school so.

so these are mostly just like...books I like a lot/have been impactful in my life lol

1. Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel

The hope! The exploration of humanity! the arts and what it truly means to survive vs live! A post-apocalyptic story about stories and cooperation and helping each other and love! HNNN

2. Sight Lines by Arthur Sze

Poetry! In particular, I love Sze’s precision and interworking of imagery, current events, facts, etc. It feels a bit like reading a just wonderfully crafted essay but in poetry form and makes you both think about the individual lines and the poem in its entirety and also will, if you’re me, leave you with “Black Center” eternally circling your mind

3. Swing Time by Zadie Smith

Ah man where to begin. The immediate connection of dance + international work vs the distinct sensation of being an outsider looking in + Smith’s vibrant, somehow rhythmic prose + the way we see the main character never directly but always through her interactions with other people. Hnn yeah.

4. Twelfth Night by Shakespeare

Shakespeare’s my comfort reads because of the combo of engaging stories that are y’know, familiar and low-effort to read and the just. lovely, lovely words. also the interconnections with history and poetry. To quote the recommendation I wrote a friend in high school: “It’s beautiful and it sings like nothing else can. That said, this is, to me, his most relatable and digestible work. It’s great social commentary while remaining really fun and engaging.”

5. Lord of the Rings trilogy by JRR Tolkien

i mean....*gestures helplessly* yeah basically combine the reasons from Redwall and Shakespeare and voila.

6. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

Sedaris’ essays and anecdotes are unrelentingly hilarious and cutting. Also I’m still envious of the title and cover (the copy I read had Van Gogh’s Skull of a Skeleton with Burning Cigarette)

7. Pale Fire by Nabokov

so tbc the novel aspect of this annoyed the SHIT out of me but the poem is one of my favorites. Also the novel does actually have its merits, the narrator is supposed to be annoying af. But. He’s annoying af. but the poem is great!!

8. Snow Falling on Cedars by David Guterson

This one has a fun and weird history with my family! Which does boost the nostalgia factor but in general I remember the sense of grief, the solemn progression of life in defiance of your wants/needs, the witnessing of injustice, etc., being v compelling and also making me lay in my hammock staring unblinking at the cedar trees in the middle of finals so. there’s that.

9. Good Omens by Neil Gaiman

Surprise! Angels, demons, tongue-in-cheek humor and the end of the world? The importance of humanity and people and how loving/caring about things is enough to stop the apocalypse? Choosing your own destiny? hell yeah baby. Also the line about demon and angel wings being the same except that demons’ wings are often better groomed. it lives in me

10. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

I can’t believe i forgot this one. Anyway yeah wow! Love this book. Death as a character is just a trope I will never ever get tired of and the exploration of humanity (and colors) is just. Yes. I don’t reread books that often (I say while having reread almost all of these books multiple times) but I read this like 3 times in high school

#thanad-zid #asked & answered #book recs #i don't really have favorite books #so much as books that for a given moment in time #mattered a lot to me and resonated with me in a distinct and impactful way #and i generally remember almost nothing beyond that feeling bc i am a fraud

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andmaybegayer · 4 years ago

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Long Poetry Wallowposting

One of my favourite poems is William Carlos Williams’ “Red Wheelbarrow” (or “XXII” if you’re being dipshit about it), not because it’s an exceptional poem, but because of the circumstances surrounding the first time I read it.

In 2015 I convinced two of my friends to join me for a multidisciplinary academic competition thing. One of the rounds was the independent essay, which has an interesting twist: your team of three gets all three essay topics (critique a given essay, write an essay on a topic, and analyze a poem) and you have 30 minutes to discuss and split the topics before a 90 minute solo writing period.

(I could write another extended post about the bureaucratic shenanigans I went through surrounding that competition, someone remind me to tell that story sometime.)

I don’t remember what the other two topics were, but the poem was to analyze William Carlos Williams’ “Red Wheelbarrow”, a poem which looks like this:

so much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens

Now, I got roped into this competition by a teacher who I did not know and who gave us no more detail other than “Get a team of 3 together and I’ll vouch for you to skip a day of school and attend this competition” so we did not know that there was actually a published list of poems, books and artpieces that you should have studied before coming to this competition, including John Campbell’s “Hero with a thousand faces” and Jeff Koons’ “Puppy”.

So we were in for this Sight Unseen, No Background. We didn’t even know who Williams was.

Fortunately for me, my friends are horrible nerds. We’re not the dead poets society but we were still the kind of people who, bored in the back of english class, would write short poems and read each other’s shitty writing and who had fun proving that the integral of e^x was e^x and we took part in OTHER competitions and would show off obscure academic skills to each other and we thought that was cool. We were not lost at sea here.

So we stare at this for a second. With zero context, what the hell does this mean. Chicken is an implicitly funny word, of course, but that’s the 2000′s talking and this must be the 1900′s sometime. The enjambment is interesting but nothing crazy here, this isn’t e.e. cummings (not a fan by the way) and so, there’s really not a lot to look at. We spent ten minutes throwing ideas back and forth before almost simultaneously coming to the conclusion. This is just a scene, being described in poetry.

We discuss this idea for a few more minutes, and we allocate the actual writing of the essay to a friend (I messaged him about this to make sure I had my story straight) and then time was up, and we turned to our individual essays.

Reader-response analysis is a school of literary theory that is, some would say, kinda garbage. It asks the reader “what did that work make you think of, what did that work make you feel” and treats that as ground truth. The reader is an active element in this, and the way the reader feels is of course very flexible, leading many people to conclude that it is useless, since the reader is an unknown quantity here. Well, reader-response analysis is not actually garbage and can be a very useful tool in your literary toolkit if used appropriately. We all found we had the same reader’s response: a clear mental image of a scene. Maybe the floor is gravel, maybe it’s grass. There is a wheelbarrow leaned up against a shed, gleaming with the last drops of rain. A chicken pecks around nearby, with more close at hand. The smell of a heavy night of rain persists, the light is the bright cold glow of a wet morning that can shine without burning off the dew just yet.

So, that’s what we found. There’s no deeper meaning here. This poem is simply conveying to you the idea. We, of course, being dweebs, took it further. Attempting to find deeper meaning in this poem demonstrates an inability to take information at face value. Sometimes the pipe is just a pipe. Sometimes the red wheelbarrow is just a red wheelbarrow.

Turns out, that analysis is correct. At the time this was written, Williams was busy doing Imagism, which means he was being economical with words and precise with meaning. The poem is short because it needn’t be long. There’s some chickens and a wheelbarrow. The Wikipedia article for this poem is hilarious, there’s a section of quotes from people who believed there was a deep hidden meaning about a dying child Williams had cared for (he was a doctor) who had a red wheelbarrow as a toy. This explanation is nonsense, and I have rarely enjoyed reading someone being wrong as much as I have enjoyed reading phrases like:

At the time, I remember being mystified by the poem. However, being properly trained in literary criticism, I wondered what the real meaning of the poem was, what it was really about. ... What is left out of Williams' poem is the fact that when he conceived that image he was sitting at the bedside of a very sick child (Williams was a medical doctor). The story goes that as he sat there, deeply concerned about the child, he looked out the window, saw that image, and penned those words.

Of course you can't figure it out by studying the text. The clues aren't there. This poem was meant to be appreciated only by a chosen literary elite, only by those who were educated, those who had learned the back story (Williams was a doctor, and he wrote the poem one morning after having treated a child who was near death. The red wheelbarrow was her toy.)

and knowing that, you’re all wrong, get fucked. It’s just a wheelbarrow. According to Williams himself, he just saw this scene in a fisherman’s backyard and wrote a poem about the scene. I looked all this up the day after the competition, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt as good about a literary analysis.

Now don’t get me wrong, the curtains are sometimes blue for a reason. But in this case, absent any information indicating otherwise, the wheelbarrow really is just red because that’s what the author saw. In some cases you can draw additional meaning out of a work but it requires just as much discipline to read deeply as to prevent yourself reading too deep. We avoided the trap.

I think about this poem infrequently, maybe once every couple months. I can still recall it from memory. It is still an influential point of reference whenever I try to write something. I tried writing some Imagist works in high school, and I had those same friends read them. They thought I might prefer realism instead. Unfortunately it turns out that most of the time, I don’t find realism to be the best fit.

XXII by William Carlos Williams is a good poem, but maybe, not for you.

#poetry #literature #the red wheelbarrow #kali's life #william carlos williams

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honestlyfrance · 4 years ago

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okay, for the fun meta ask list: 1, 4, and 16, please?

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

@anjali750 once sent me a sambucky art post and I just went "writing inspiration!!" but if you know me, I take so long writing from my writing inspo tag 😂 but anyways, I was having a tough time dealing with my mental health (that's why I haven't been much on) and I just got this idea from some self care vid on youtube; so the fic's gonna be about Sam's lazy day. I have a few paragraphs in but I'm stumped a bit. What I love about this is, you know, the person who sent me this 😂💓 and also just the idea of Sam taking care of himself because self care also the ending I made at the end.

I have a goal of writing this 100k stucky fic which is just purely from aesthetic. They're the only characters (probably) and someone should stop me from making this end up in death (but if you see my stucky posts in poetbucky, then there's death, ain't gonna be nice). I only got the opening line down because this is purely self indulgent and there's a huge possibility I won't finish/post this. What I love about this is that I'm fueled by spite to write this, it's amazing 😂 also, the fact that when I discovered this ship I told myself I'm not gonna write a fic but here I am.

4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

You get a list:

We believe, but do we worship?

As a Catholic, I love this. That's it. That's- That's an ugly truth. I wrote this for my previous fandom and I claim I wrote this philosophical sentence every chance I got, it's even quoted in one of my tumblr pages. I just love this, just the naked truth.

War beated the joy out of young boys, young girls, young people, too desperate for basic needs the world was too cruel to offer freely, too harshly. War demanded hard people but instead, they killed the soft ones instead. It’s a truth you should hear, and it’s violent, and here’s the apology.

This is from the first WIP you see up there, like sorry anjali for the angst 😂 this is directly stemmed from a poem in my inspo collection but is also from just militarism as whole, sending in soldiers who have no choice but to join just because they need education or whatnot. I'm not the best source of the thing, but I know it makes me mad and it's just wrong. Don't worry, this paragraph gets resolved.

It’s not that Sam despised the idea of it, in fact, he breathes it in like cocaine, feeling the rush and instant fall of his senses, and maybe it’s not actually drugs to him but maybe something milder, like, a kiss, one that is so slow and soft that it makes him scream at the deprivation, making himself aware of how desperate he just was about touch, literally any sort of touch, but then again, it’s Sam we’re talking about; suppressed and no-nonsense, he couldn’t possibly want something so good like some cliche grand romantic gesture that is too cheesy for its own good, and maybe it’s for the best that he keeps quiet about this want because it’s not like he gets it every day. Fine, he does get it every day and it’s too much it’s hurting like a cavity to his heart.

This still stands as my favorite line I've ever wrote because I was trying to do a new writing style but evidently failed midway, but it's still so good!

“You look lost,” the other man spoke, bringing out a worn out gold cigarette case from his back pocket.

Sam watched him with steady eyes, his face blank of expression. “Perhaps, but no,” he watched as the other man methodically bring out a cigarette.

“Ah,” he murmured. “You have a lighter?”

Sam didn’t nod but he pulled out a cheap lighter from his inside pocket, bringing it closer to the other man’s cigarette which hung in his lips. The other man seemed excited with the way his eyebrows raised, and he came closer as Sam lit the cigarette. Sam seemed more relaxed now, pocketing his lighter as they both leaned against the wall, their shoulders touching.

“Not my type of scene either,” the man shook his head, his face scrunching up to form a look of disgust and indifference.

The sambuckynat AU, one of the first few fics I did when I was new to the fandom. I have dialogue but it's purely self indulgent and is still in the works. I have the plot and conflict set down but I just don't touch the document this is in anymore so I don't write in it. I love this because, yeah, it's the actual first sambucky idea that I did.

16. Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

The thing about my writing style is that I have like tens of those, I even named them. I don't know the names anymore though 😂 it depends which writing style fits best for the fic. I have non-ship fics that center with this outspoken writing style that speaks directly to the reader, kinda like Stephen King. What you guys see is not my latest and is actually what is most appropriate.

The last time I tried to change up a style was sweet as candies, cavities to the heart and that failed. It's just I have so much writing styles. Here's a snippet of one them during a tamer scene (the other scenes, it has cussing and just babbling that adds tension):

So, Stark didn't know. Shuri knew, of course she knew; she removed all of HYDRA control in Barnes brain, and saw glimpses of why HYDRA chose to cater to Barnes instead of any other successful experimentation that had on their hands—it may not be on the notes of HYDRA, but it was too obvious that it was almost too susceptible to abuse. Whatever Stark didn’t know immediately became Shuri’s itinerary for tonight; scratch their plans, Shuri knew what hacking she’d be doing tonight.

Shoulders squared and her chest puffed out, Shuri had the grace of a warrior as she eyed down the commotion Stark had stirred up; it looked like a desperate final act of redemption from her eyes, but she knew better to be open to perspective. The sense of desperation that Stark alone reeked of was almost pitiful, and to place that against Bucky Barnes— Ugh. Let’s just say that the sympathy anyone ever tried to reflect was simply appalling.

Shuri moved her lips to say in Xhosa: “What must we do with him?”

“Leave it,” T’Challa replied in their native language, his eyes set hard on the swaying body of Tony Stark. The man was relishing in the successful mess he created, and the King didn’t know if he should be afraid or disgusted.

send multiple meta writer asks and help keep me busy!

#france answers #enchanted lightning aes #ahhh this was nice to do 💕

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vandorens-archive · 5 years ago

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ten questions tag | i was tagged by: @mshelleys, @emdrabbles, @pe-ersona, @evergrcen and @septemberliterature. thank you so much, and i’m so sorry i’m getting to this so late!

everything is under the cut!

@mshelleys

i. if you could change the genre of one of your wips, what would you change it to and how would the story/characters change?

So, trahison already features a ghost and a brief stay at a manor. have i considered turning it into a full fledged horror because of that? perhaps.

ii. do you think of your characters as actors playing a part in a movie or as people in history actually doing things that effect the future?

i think of them as actors playing in one long, crazy, unpredictable play.

iii. role swap your protagonist and antagonist but keep their personalities the same; how different would your story be?

honestly, not different at all, because when it comes to it, the subject of trahison’s antagonist (s) is pretty complex.

iv. are any of your characters based on you, family, friends, or someone else you know?

oh, absolutely. my characters range between self inserts, to characters i wish i was more like, to characters that are essentially walking, talking, breathing love letters to the people i care about.

v. how long have you had your main protagonist(s) of your wip(s)?

I’ve been working with marin, nate and ruby for years, long before they were even called that and were a part of a dystopian crime novel (don’t ask). antoine joined them soon after, followed a while later by beth and isadora, and miles was invented during the plotting stage.

vi. do you prefer to write chronologically or just make a bunch of scenes and order them after they’re written?

it depends on what i’m working on and how serious i am about it, but if we’re only talking about trahison, then chronologically!

vii. imagine the problem in your wip is sorted out, how would the protagonist recount the story to their children if they asked?

with a far away look in his eyes and an uncharacteristic fondness in his voice, marin would turn to his children, and tell them how extraordinary his friends were during his university years—their zeal, their inquisitiveness, and conveniently leaving out the uncomfortable loyalty they all had towards each other, until time and life’s commands separated them.

viii. favorite (non-spoilery) line(s) of your current wip(s)?

This small bit of description, albeit a little purple prose-y, is one that i’m very, very proud of.

“ The morning rain had made its grave in the dirt, the bittersweet smell—like exotic black tea—rising into the air. It was the night pluviophiles came to dance. If I think hard, I can still taste the ghost of the raindrops on my tongue and sense Beth’s radiating warmth beside me; its own ghost ” - trahison, chapter three

ix. if your wip was a movie, could you see it be done in the 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s, or 2010s? why that decade in particular?

so, fun fact, i hadn’t decided when to set trahison (see: the big question mark in my plotting notebook) but i have recently made up my mind and decided to set it in the seventies! if it was a film, then i could see it being made in seventies france! very a la the dreamers.

x. are you able to just make up a story on the spot, or do you need help (plot generators or other outside influences)?

sometimes i’ll take the help of prompts or media, but otherwise i just come up with things on my own!

@emdrabbles

i. what do the names of your main characters mean? did you pick them for the meaning or another reason?

i picked the trahison characters’ names based on two things: how much it related to the character’s backstory or personality, and how pleasing it sounded out loud. here are the meanings of their names:

marin — of the sea

ruby — deep red; precious stone; behold a son

elizabeth — god is my oath

nathaniel — gift from god

antoine — priceless one; beyond praise

isadora — gift of Isis

ii. what book are you currently reading?

I’m currently reading the time machine by h.g wells!

iii. last sentence written?

“ When the end of the world comes — I’ll film it ” — copycat, or the one where i predict the future.

iv. who are some of your faceclaims?

i usually don’t use faceclaims, but if i had to choose:

marin van doren (trahison) — timor simakov

eloi hill (psychophantia) — maxence danet fauvel

cass parker (penny lane) — monica tomas

v. gimme some worldbuilding facts!!

alright, here’s one: in the world of psychophantia, not only is the magic system and your powers controlled by your morals, but so is your social ranking, your education, and any future you may have—to an extent.

vi. do you outline? if so, do you have a specific method?

i’m a plotter and only really work well with a solid outline, however, my outlines range from a series of messy, incoherent bullet points to meticulous scene-by-scene planning based around the three act structure. this post is my go to for plotting assistance!

vii. favourite author?

Like every tumblr user ever, i love donna tartt and maggie stiefvater, but i’m also a huge fan of f.scott fitzgerald, agatha christie and vera caspary!

viii. what is your oldest wip?

trahison! It went through many, many changes — from changes in genre to changes in character names, and there’s still a possibility that it could change even further.

ix. what is your favourite wip?

every wip i reblog under my #others. tag! You all are so damn talented!

x. where do you get your inspiration from?

everywhere around me! from conversations i have with people, from films and books i consume, from the music on the radio — i like that anything and everything can inspire me to create.

@pe-ersona

i. in one sentence, explain your current wip!

a group of secretive students attempt to become immortal, only to uncover the worst parts of themselves — and each other — as they do.

ii. was writing your main interest or did you have other interests?

although writing is my main interest (see: my social media bio on every platform ever), i also like to journal, sew, cook and make videos! my interests usually do have to do with the intention of creation.

iii. what’s your favorite genre to write? to read?

I love writing horror and mysteries. those are my favourite genres, but i also love reading a good contemporary romance!

iv. what is one goal you have for your wip this year? how’s that goal going?

to finish the first draft! so far, not so bad, though i do wish i could write more, but unfortunately, time constraints plus school restrict me from doing so.

v. how old is your wip? or when did you start writing your wip?

trahison is nearly three years old, but i only started writing the current version of it a year ago.

vii. what scene made you cry or laugh or both?

these lines made me laugh out loud the first time i wrote them:

“ Up the stairs stumbled Miles, my slovenly genius roommate. He grinned at the giggles and winked at the exasperated stares.

The gall of him!

I wanted to be him.

He managed to find his balance enough to reach our dorm. I immediately stepped back to let him in, and to make sure I was in no association with his uncomposed state. Nate gave a disapproving look at his back as he staggered in.

I took another step back, raised a pointed eyebrow, and closed the door ” — trahison, chapter three

vii. how many ocs does your wip have? who’s your favourite?

my main wip, trahison, has six main characters. out of the main six, my favourite has to be nathaniel. he is very much the epitome of pure, and sometimes i wonder how he ended up in the middle of such a dark plot.

vii. you have a brand new idea for a wip, what do you do?

brainstorm, brainstorm, brainstorm. scribble down whatever the hell pops up in my brain, attempt to link it together by a thin string of yarn, cross my fingers and hope for the best.

ix. you are having your first book-signing, where are you?

i’m in a small bookstore, nestled in a corner near the storage room. almost no one knows about this town, so the line is small but chatty, fans exchanging theories and analysing certain paragraphs. the sight of them makes me feel warm inside.

x. you have the ability to live in any book, publishing or not, what would it be?

would it be too cliche to say the harry potter universe? other than that, other worlds i would love to be a part of is the world in my novel penny lane, or in midst of a detective story.

@evergrcen / @septemberliterature

i. how did you come up with your wip’s title? what does it mean in relation to the story?

okay, so i discovered the word ‘trahison’ after hearing my french teacher say it, and immediately knew i had to use it for something. ‘trahison’ means betrayal or treason in french, which is one of the main themes in the novel.

ii. do you title your chapters? if so, what’s your favourite?

I don’t, but I would love to!!

iii. what’s a recent line you really like?

Not a very dramatic or noteworthy line, but here’s one from a poem i’m writing:

“ So the two of you get in the car, proceeding to have an argument with the radio ” — examples of easy solutions, or the one where the internet has no answers.

iv. are there any writing-related quotes you really like?

“i think a lot of art is trying to make someone love you” — keaton henson

v. do you have an idea for a cover design for your story?

A black background with serif text, that’s it. It’s simple. It’s mysterious. It’s the type of vibe I want to exude.

vi. what sort of au can you imagine your story being?

...dark academia au anyone?

just kidding. in all seriousness, though, i can see a royalty/political au for trahison, or a medieval fantasy au!

vii. which oc would be the most angry with you as the writer?

eloi. i really need to give that poor boy a break.

viii. if you had to tell the story from a different pov, which character would you choose?

ruby! she’s the token enigma of trahison, so i think her point of view would be very interesting to see.

ix. what would be your oc’s taste in music if they lived in our world?

OKAY let’s see:

marin — classic rock, so the who, queen, def leppard.etc

ruby — that one person who you’re pretty sure only listens to classical music, but is actually very attuned to modern day music. she would mostly listen to female singer-songwriters, so take lorde, marina, lana del rey, and other such artists.

beth — take one look at her playlist, and you’ll see that ninety five percent of it is mitski, while the other five percent is bedroom pop. she would like very tender, calm, cry to in bed music.

Antoine — same as marin, but add other modern day music artists with eclectic sounds, such as twenty one pilots, arctic monkeys, that sort of thing.

nathaniel — classical music, instrumentals, and film soundtracks make up his playlist. if it has sung words, he won’t listen to it. has little to no understanding of modern day music and is too scared to find out more about it.

isadora — 2000’s diva pop plays in the background of her life. rihanna is her go to whenever she gets to control the party. Don’t be surprised if ‘rich girl’ by gwen stefani starts playing in your head at the sight of her.

x. what’s one personal goal you want to achieve by the end of the story?

finishing it with pride!

#( FINALLY i've caught up with everything i've been tagged in ahhh )#games.#long post

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sophieakatz · 5 years ago

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Thursday Thoughts: Writing Advice (Part 1 of 3)

I recently stumbled across this writer ask meme about pieces of writing advice, and I was having so much fun thinking about it that I decided to just respond to them all!

1. Nothing is perfect

This is one of those truths that can be used for good or ill.

It’s easy to see the flaws in your own work, to hold your own writing to a higher standard than literally anyone else would. It’s good to say “nothing is perfect” to assure yourself that your work is good enough.

But if someone has called you out for using racist stereotypes in your writing, and your response is, “Well, nothing is perfect! So leave me alone and don’t tell me to fix it!” That’s bad!

Allow me to misquote the Talmud and tell you to keep two pieces of paper in your pocket, and take each out as you need it. The first says “nothing is perfect.” The second says “I can, and should, always do better.”

2. Don’t use adverbs

Adverbs are tools. Understand their purpose and use them wisely.

To prove my own point, I could not have written that second sentence without an adverb – “wisely.” The purpose of an adverb is to modify a verb or an adjective. It wouldn’t be enough for me to just say, “use them.” How should one use them? Wisely!

The best advice I ever got about adverbs is that they should be used when they are necessary for clarity.

If I write, “Sophie smiled happily,” that is not a necessary adverb. It is already obvious from the fact that I am smiling that I am happy. Using “happily” is redundant and uninteresting.

If I write, “Sophie smiled sadly,” on the other hand – that is necessary. The adverb changes the picture that you make in your head, and the sentence is more interesting as a result.

3. Write what you know

I get why people use this as advice. I’m much more a fan of saying “know what you write.”

Feel free to go beyond your own individual experience when you write – but for god’s sake, do your research. Expand what you know, so that you can write.

4. Avoid repetition

Like adverbs, repetition is a tool. Use it wisely.

What can repetition accomplish?

Emphasis – highlighting something as important.

Memorability – helping the audience remember.

Familiarity – we tend to like and believe what we hear over and over.

Musicians understand this. Listen to the Hadestown soundtrack and keep a tally of how many times Orpheus is referred to as “a poor boy” or Eurydice as “a hungry young girl.” Listen to the Hamilton soundtrack and count how many times Burr opens a song with “How does a –?” Think back on all the times you heard the new hit song of the year and you shrugged it off, but a couple weeks later, after you heard it on every radio station, on everyone’s Spotify playlist, in every YouTube ad – it “grew on you.”

The trick is using repetition just enough that it provides a useful structure, but not so much that it’s noticed to the point of instilling boredom.

5. Write every day

Sure, why not. If you write just ten words every day for a year, you’ll have nearly 4,000 words at the end of it – a short story. If you write a hundred words every day for a year, that’s almost 40,000 words – a decent novella. Writing every day is a good way to end up with something written.

But don’t beat yourself up if you don’t or can’t write every day. Writing takes effort. You have other things to devote energy to – work, school, groceries, cleaning, socializing, confronting your own mortality, finding out how season seven of Clone Wars ends.

I encourage you to notice all the things that you do every day which isn’t officially “writing” but is still a part of being a writer.

Now, this is something I struggle with. I go months without touching my novel, and it’s easy for me to dismiss that time as “not writing.”

But I send emails. And I write essays for school. And I jot down thoughts and dreams in my journal. And I read – you have to read in order to write. And I spend time on my walks and in the shower imagining dialogue and figuring out character paths and themes for my novel, all things that will help me when I do get back to writing it. And I have all the smaller projects I gave myself – this weekly blog post, my weekly poem or quote, my fanfiction.

If you’re a writer, then you’re a writer, whether or not you write every day.

6. Good writers borrow from other writers, great writers steal from them outright

I’m not sure what the distinction is here between “borrowing” and “stealing.”

Stealing is definitely a part of writing, though. I’ve written about this before – check out my old article on stealing bicycles as a writing metaphor.

7. Just write

Oh I am a BIG fan of this one. Even if you don’t know what to write, just write. So many pages of my journal open with the line “I have no idea what to write about.” Eventually, as you ramble, you start writing about what you wished you would be writing about. And then you find yourself actually writing.

8. There’s nothing new under the sun

Sure, but the art is in making something familiar feel new. I wrote about this a couple weeks ago in this Thursday Thoughts.

9. Read

Yes, yes, yes! Read to find out what’s out there. Read to learn the conventions of your genre. Read to ignite your love of the craft. Read to discover your people. Read to add tools to your toolbox (or pieces to your bicycle). Read to find agents and editors and publishing imprints. Read to learn what stories are not being told. Read to be a writer.

10. Don’t think!

Thinking is a tool. Use it wisely.

The best parts of my writing I’ve discovered not while writing, but while thinking about writing.

Just don’t think yourself out of writing altogether.

11. Write what you love

You’ll certainly be happier writing something you love than something you don’t love. You won’t love everything you write, though. It can still be good and valuable even if you don’t love it. But if you love it, or if you can remember why you loved it, you will come back and finish it.

12. Never use a long word where a short one will do

Forget the length of the word. Is it the right word?

To paraphrase Mark Twain and Josh Billings, the difference between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

If you do find yourself needing to choose between two words with identical definitions, and the only difference between them is their length, then think about the effect of the word on your reader. Read the sentence aloud a few times with either option. Different words have different connotations; they evoke different moods. It may in the end just come down to which word feels right for this moment.

13. Less is more

No, it definitionally is not. See my above thoughts about adverbs, repetition, and long words vs short words.

All words are tools. All words have a purpose. Is it the right word for this moment?

14. Never use the passive when you can use the active voice

Again, active voice and passive voice are tools! They have purposes!

The simplest way to differentiate between the two is that active voice is “the girl threw the ball” and passive voice is “the ball was thrown by the girl.” Both make sense. Both describe the same action. But one places the emphasis on the girl – the subject – while the other places the emphasis on the ball – the object.

Are you trying to create a sense of immediacy, to immerse the reader in the moment? Use active voice. He did this! She did that! Bam! Pow! It’s happening right now, and we know exactly who did it!

Are you trying to create distance between the reader and something in the moment? Use passive voice. He was being followed – by who, we don’t know. Passive voice adds a touch of mystery or disassociation.

15. Show don’t tell

How do you show? How do you tell? There are engaging ways to do both, and boring ways to do both. Do what the moment needs.

In prose, I recommend setting up with showing and then hitting your reader with a tell. Say your protagonist is standing alone in a room. Then, a woman enters. Show the protagonist’s reaction to that woman – their heart pounds, they tear up, they grab a chair for support…

And then, in the narration: “Her mother had been dead for five years, and yet there she stood.” Bam! A well-placed tell which contextualizes the reaction.

Plays and screenplays come down on different sides of the “show vs tell” debate. Film usually does more “showing,” while a stage play usually has more “telling.”

This comes from writers leaning into the limitations of the mediums. The first few lines of any scene in a Shakespeare play lets you know the location and time of day, because they didn’t have the scenic or lighting elements available to show it.

While a film can cut to different places and times quickly and easily, many plays are set in just one or two locations to remove the need for frequent scene changes. A play will capitalize on the characters’ reactions to and conversations about unseen offstage events, while a film will show these offstage events.

These are not hard and fast rules, of course. Plenty of films stay in one location, and plenty of plays jump around from place to place. It’s worth noting that standard formatting for plays and screenplays highlight this typical difference. In a stage play script, the dialogue (what we’re told) is left-aligned while the action (what we’re shown) is indented. In a screenplay, the action is left-aligned and the dialogue is indented.

Neither showing nor telling is superior. They are both tools. Use them wisely.

To be continued...

#writing #advice #writing advice #writblr #writers #writers of tumblr #show don't tell #thursday thoughts #listicles #shakespeare #active voice #passive voice #word choice #just write #write what you know #adverbs #write what you love

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homestuckisautistic · 6 years ago

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Lanque...why?

I wanna start off by saying three (3) things.

1. I am feeling much better now.

2. A few months ago, back in July maybe, I had a dream that I was still in high school (yikes!) and I had just moved to a new school (double yikes!) and Lanque went there for some reason and he was also the only troll there. Anyway he was very nice but all his friends called him “fingers in his ass Lanque.” Not kidding about this dream btw! Anyway I just wanna say r.i.p. to that perception of Lanque.

3. I wanna give a shout out to Diemen “I love putting drugs on my wiener” Xicali

This is gonna be an incredibly long post so I’m putting the rest under a cut.

So where do I even fucking begin.

I’ll start with Lanque’s life as a character, not his life within the canon of Hiveswap.

As we all know, Lanque’s design was leaked long before his official appearance in the trollcall. A lot of people thought he was a butch lesbian mostly because of his resemblance to Sailor Uranus who was a lesbian in the original Japanese dub of Sailor Moon and apparently he looked like a character from Utena but idk anything about Utena.

As we all know after Lanque’s official debut he was revealed to be a transgender man by infamous incest-shipping shithead Cohen Edenfield, (and one other person who idk anything about so I’m leaving them out of this) who also wrote Hiveswap and may I remind everyone that Dammek and Xefros’ relationship was marketed as wholesome and sincerely friendly and later it was revealed to be abusive. All I’m saying is that there’s a pattern here!

Need I also remind everyone* that after Cohen revealed that he shipped incest it provoked a trauma episode in someone who was formerly a big name homestuck blogger on here and they had to leave the site for months for their own safety. Shit like this does affect people, it’s almost 2019 and we should all have the mind to think about how our words and actions affect others.

Now I’m not trans so I’m not gonna speak too much on this but personally I don’t think they intended for Lanque to be trans but rather what happened was they seen that the transmale community latched onto him and confirmed him as trans because of that. After all the friendsims have been taking cues from the fans (Galora becoming canon is a major example along with Amisia and Chahut being friends). It feels like a mean spirited trick and I can only imagine how shitty it felt for transgender men and boys who were hoping Lanque would be an actually decent person.

Onto the “good” route.

I don’t even consider this route to be Lanque’s route. It’s a sequel to Lynera’s route. I don’t mind this because I’m always happy to see Lynera but wow I wish I had seen her under better circumstances.

I’ve seen some people saying that the flower crown Lanque is wholly different from the Lanque from the other two routes but I disagree. It’s well known that abusive people often seem very charming and kind at first. In general, if someone is too charming, too kind, and seems too good to be true then they probably are.

The whole reason Lynera asks MSPA reader to go with her to the party is because she’s scared of Lanque. She fucking admits it to his face in a fit of anxiety. Which is to say that Lanque is an asshole in all three endings, we just see it to varying degrees. Also Lanque’s poem sucks.

As far as the other two endings, what can I possibly say? What can I fucking possibly say? Honestly, what can I say? I’m speechless at what happened. As soon as Lanque called Lynera a bitch tears welled up in my eyes and I only halfway succeeded at holding them back. When men call women bitches it comes from such a vitriolic place and even though the friendsims have no voice acting I could practically hear the hatred in Lanque’s voice.

There’s really nothing else to say about those two endings.

It’s interesting to note that much of the dialogue in Lanque’s route is very tongue in cheek and breaks the fourth wall (”What about you? Oh I’m not real” “I mean I’ve had feelings for a girl before so it’d be really problematic if I liked a boy now.”)

And the reason I bring this up is because of that last quote. Literally what the fuck. What was the point of that. Best case scenario is that everyone ignores it and moves on but because I’m typing this right now we all know that’s not the case. Literally all this line is going to do is promote tension between lesbians and bisexual women. It feels very intentional and very much like a jab at how lesbians and bi women seemingly can’t get along. It’s insidious. If someone thinks of Lynera as bi then that’s cool I honestly don’t care but her interactions with Lanque shouldn’t be used to justify that. Here’s why.

1. She outright admits she’s SCARED of him. She admits this in a fit of anxiety where she accidentally reveals her true feelings. IF she did have a crush on Lanque she wouldn’t have said “and I’m scared of you” she would’ve said “and I secretly have a crush on you and I’m scared of looking stupid in front of you.”

Also it’s literally feminism 101 to listen to people when they express disinterest. It’s also feminism 101 to not call people sluts as shorthand for “provocatively dressed” or “scantily clad” but that happens in this route too so whatever.

2. When Lanque starts coming onto Lynera the reader states that they think she’s not into it. Yes you can be flustered around a crush but that should mean that you have butterflies in your stomach and are scared of making a fool of yourself in front of them not that you are literally fucking scared.

So, how could Lanque have been better?

Hear me out. In his original trollcall card, it says he “still has a livechurnal” (read: livejournal). So they could have made him super behind the times technology wise. Maybe they could’ve shown him having a busted old computer that still runs Windows XP because hey, it still works. Maybe his main pastime is playing minesweeper or virtual solitaire. Maybe he doesn’t even have a smartphone. The plot of his route could’ve been that his old computer finally breaks and he has to get a new one. Also, have him talk a bit about being trans and hire a trans sensitivity reader to make sure everything makes sense and isn’t offensive.

Also, there is literally no reason for Lanque to be so shitty. The reason why Vriska and even Gamzee to an extent are beloved characters is because they have a motive to o horrible things. Vriska was groomed to be a child soldier and Gamzee was a victim of child neglect. Lanque has none of this.

I’m also very worried for Wanshi and I hope she never finds out how terrible Lanque can be.

Also, fun fact: apparently Livejournal is very popular in Russia. According to Wikipedia, Livejournal is the largest social media site on the Russian speaking portion of the internet, and half of Livejournal’s userbase is from Russia. The more you know!

If you’ve read this far then I want to say thanks. I also want to provide a link to “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s a fantastic book that has helped me understand why my dad is the way he is and if you’re dealing with or have dealt with abuse in the past this book will almost certainly help you. It mainly focuses on abusive men and intimate partner violence but the information this book provides can be applied to nearly every abusive person. Here’s the free pdf: https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I’ll be writing a post about the Soleils tomorrow,

- Mod Jessica

#mod rei-mary #not tagging this with anything else because of discourse #i dont wanna get wrapped up in drama sorry

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pathetic-at-the-disco · 7 years ago

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What Really Happened in Myrtle Beach...

It was late June in 2006. Panic! at the Disco were on their first headlining tour, which was quickly becoming even more of a success than anyone had expected. Brent Wilson was finally out of the band and had been replaced with the actually talented Jon Walker, and everything was going great.

Except for Ryan Ross, who recently broke up with Jac Vanek and was still feeling lonely and sad about how it all turned out. In true Ryan fashion, he tried to throw himself back into the game and rebound with someone he was “justfriends” with. (It’s unclear who, but there’s no more reason to believe it was Brendon than Jon, Spencer, Greta from the Hush Sound, one of the backup dancers, a fan, or literally anyone else on the planet.)

The band had a show in Lake Buena Vista, Florida (their third Florida show in as many nights) on June 23, 2006. And... things apparently got a little wild that evening after the concert.

After midnight, one of the backup dancers named Dream posted this on her Livejournal:

Sat, June 24th, 2006

It’s our last night in Florida and let me tell you… this finally turned into a crazy rock tour… lots of shenanigans happened tonight… but I’ll save this story for the memoirs! Every night I stand on stage and tell the crowd that Brendon is a virgin… let’s just put it this way… it ain’t true!!!!

This information is unsurprising, since Brendon was already partying heavily after shows during this tour. This was to the exasperation of his other bandmates, who did not drink or otherwise involve themselves in the party scene. It’s likely that Ryan, Spencer, and Jon weren’t even privy to what inspired Dream’s post in the first place.

Ryan Ross, for example, was spending his evening with someone. And that night, Ryan, known as i_amclandestine on Livejournal, also wrote a post:

Sat, June 24th, 2006

I’m the ghost in the bed.you can touch because i can’t rest. and the lights are always off so I can mold you in the dark.i can shape and pretend.”i just want to have a good time, just like everybody else, but i don’t want to fall apart”

The quoted part is a reference to the lyrics of “Good Time” by Counting Crows, a morose song about wanting to be closer to a romantic partner.

Clearly, whoever Ryan was with that night was making him more upset than anything. He was trying to lose himself in someone, hoping to forget his problems, and realizing that it wasn’t working.

The tour went on, though. Everyone piled back onto the bus and drove to their next gig, which was scheduled for that night at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (pictured below).

The show went off without a hitch, and everyone was in a fantastic mood. The band even signed some autographs and let the fans take pictures of them after the concert (note the House of Blues sign and the building’s distinctive facade in several of the photographs).

And shortly after this, the members of Panic! at the Disco and the Hush Sound, in addition to their dancers and crew members, were feeling so good that they decided to walk a mile to the beach and go swimming in the ocean, followed by more shenanigans.

This experience was immortalized in an interview with Greta from the Hush Sound:

Q: Tell us about your craziest touring experience.

A: On the 2006 Panic Tour, we played the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach [JUNE 24TH]. After the show, most of the bands and crew walked a mile to the beach and, having not brought our swimsuits, decided to swim in underwear or totally nude. Bob and I opted to skinny dip and, at one point, he was trying to get back to the shore but the waves were crashing over him and he was gasping for breath. I yelled to him, 'Bob, are you going to live? As much as I want to help you, we are both naked so I can't.' (Would have been far too awkward). Thankfully, he survived in one glorious piece.

This sequence of events was also referenced in another Livejournal post from Dream:

Sun, June 25, 2006

Last night we played in Myrtle Beach, NC… I’ve always wanted to go to Myrtle Beach so it was fun to finally get there and to do it in such a special way. The girls we meet at the show were amazing. They were so spirited and friendly. They were fun.

After the show Greta and I, she’s the lead singer and from the The Hush Sound (the band we’re on tour with and in love with…!) well we decided we wanted to go for a midnight skinny dip in the ocean after the show and in the end more then 20 of us made the mile hike to the beach, stripped down and dove in! it was magical under the stars and moody clouds above. After about an hour splashing and riding the waves we all broke into the pool and hot tub of the condo up the beach to wash the salt away and laugh at our genius of managing to sneak so many crazies into this spa without being caught… just as the security arrived and we all scattered like geese! It was a fun night.

At around 4:30 in the morning, Ryan also made a Livejournal post (his last, in fact). It’s notorious in the fandom and everyone has read it, but here it is again:

Sun, June 25, 2006

The moon bred new Atlantic life tonight.the salt burned you right out of my eyes.and secrets we’re not proud of were taken with the tide. We were all newborns with blurred vision and no sense of direction.

Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath.

this is why I walk to the ocean.swim with jellyfish.I may never get this chance again.

this is why if you want to kiss you should kiss.

If you want to cry you should cry, and

if you want to live you should live.

You don’t have to love me. You already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia.it’s for lovers (orjustfriends)

This is why I do it.

Clearly, Ryan was feeling better than he had the previous night. Whatever happened in Myrtle Beach was enough to make his outlook on life a little more optimistic, at least for a night.

It is imperative to point out again that there’s no reason to assume it was about Brendon (who also had an active Livejournal account at this time and didn’t post at all about Myrtle Beach or Florida. If it was about him and was apparently so special and romantic, don’t you think he would have said something?). We don’t know who Ryan wrote this about, but that doesn’t make his poem any less meaningful or beautiful.

Basically, the lesson to be learned here is that even though it theoretically could have been about Brendon or Jon or Dream or a fan or whomever (as none of these can be proven or disproven), at the end of the day it’s foolish to attach it to a specific person without proof. The world will probably never know who Ryan’s rebound was, and that’s fine!

Assuming that it automatically points to Ryden is confirmation bias, which is not actually a valid reason for believing something. (I know, shocking.) You may as well say that Ryan was definitely having an intense affair with Spencer. Or Brent. There’s as much evidence.

Thank you to @future4angelz for requesting this post! It’s a bit tricky to specifically disprove the Ryden conspiracies because so much is unknown here, but I hope I did well enough at convincing people not to read too much into things. (Also, most people think Dream’s post from the 24th is about Myrtle Beach, even though she says they’re in Florida. Use your critical thinking skills, everyone!) :)

~Mod C

P.S. We don’t ship Ryden. Just thought I’d clear that up one more time for the people in the back, haha.

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there-for-him · 7 years ago

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A Look Into Tae’s Sexuality

Part one of my LGBTS analyses

Hello, it’s Charlie here again, and in this post I’m going to be sharing my opinion on Tae’s sexuality. Or in other words, why I believe he may be LGBT+.

Of course, I should start this by saying, yes, I do not in fact know what his sexuality is, the only way to truly know is if he says it himself. With that being said, I do think that we are allowed to speculate on the matter. If we weren’t, they themselves would have said so. And also, this is Tumblr so who gives a fuck. And we need to acknowledge the possibility of idols not being straight. Talking about this will only pave the way for a future where they would feel safer to be who they truly are.

Another thing I should add is that, if you are expecting this to turn into a t/k analysis, I apologize, but it won’t. I myself believe in Jikook, as those of you who already follow me know. In fact, this post won’t really talk about any ships in a way that is trying to prove their legitimacy. There will be a few moments that are mentioned but they will be used mainly to prove TH’s attraction to men. Who I ship and don’t ship won’t have anything to do with this. But I’d also like to point out that I love all ships (OT7 is the best) so I won’t be looking down on any of them here.

And of course, if you want to discuss any of what you said, feel free to drop into my ask. Just please stay civil, I want to keep my blog positive so if you’re going to be rude I just won’t answer you.

Now, let’s get onto the actual post:

I’m going to be building my case (I apologize for my dictionary, one of my hobbies is competitive debating so bear with me, I don’t take myself as seriously as it may seem) on a few things that are more obvious in of themselves and then a few that may not mean anything if look at separately but when put together make too much sense. Also, I’m only going to be mentioning only things I can analyze. There are things he has done that I, as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community myself, recognize as, well, gay culture (Won’t be me if I don’t use memes) but I cannot really explain (ex.: his whole kinky puppy on a leash thing he’s got going on with the other members) so I will be refraining from using those so people can’t come and say “tHaT dOeS nOt mEaN aNyThInG fUcK yOu”.

Let me start with one of the most obvious ones to me, which I know many others also agree on:

1. Stigma

Before we even play the song, the first thing we notice is the title – “Stigma”. The Cambridge definition of the word is “a strong feeling of disapproval that most people in a society have about something, especially when this is unfair”. We off the bat get the vibe that this song will be about something society tends to disapprove of without a real reason, such as being LGBTQIA+. Then we notice the melody and TH’s voice. We immediately understand that the song is a sad one, an emotional one, a deep one. Now let’s get onto the actual lyrics. I’ve been hiding it

I tell you something

Just to leave it buried

Now I can’t endure it anymore

Why couldn’t I say it then?

I have been hurting anyway

Really I won’t be able to endure it

It starts off with a person who has been keeping a secret from those close to him, a secret that has been eating him from the inside. He can’t take hiding it anymore. The song starts with a confession. Now cry

It’s only that I’m very sorry towards you

Again, cry because I couldn’t protect you

The secret he has just shared is hurting the one who he shared it with. They are crying and he is sorry for disappointing them, for hurting them. More often than not, when one comes out to their family, they are met with a negative reaction. Their family has lived their entire lives expecting their child to marry someone from the opposite gender and have a traditional family. All of a sudden, their fantasy is gone. They are faced with something they do not approve of coming from someone very close to them. Along with being disappointed they are also afraid for both their child and for themselves and what the future holds for all of them. They see it as a disgrace to the family. Deeper, deeper, the wound just gets deeper

Like pieces of broken glass that I can’t reverse

Deeper, it’s just the heart that hurts every day

(You) who was punished in my stead,

You who were only delicate and fragile The person who made the confession is deeply hurt. He is both sorry for himself and for disappointing his family. (I’m saying family as they are mentioned later on in the lyrics, clarifying who he has been talking to throughout the song).

Stop crying, tell me something

Try saying to me, who had no courage

Why did you do that to me then

I’m sorry

He continues on enforcing the idea that he is both hurt and apologetic. He’s sorry that he is the way he is both because he is hurting them by it and they are hurting him because of it.

Forget it,

what right do I have

To tell you to do this, or that

He believes he is not deserving of their approval, support and forgiveness. *chorus again*

I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’m sorry ma brother

Even if (I try to) hide it, or conceal it, it can’t be erased

Here is where he shows that he’s talking about his family. Here is where we also see that what he is sorry for is not something he did, which is what most people speculate, but rather something he IS. How could he hide, conceal or erase a past action. If he has DONE something which hurt someone else, that’s not something you try to hide, that’s not how it works, for one to hide something that thing has to be present for more than one moment. Like a trait, not an action. If something he has DONE has hurt someone directly, that person must have been there or at least be aware of it, hence it would not be a secret. And here also comes the fact that hiding, concealing and trying to erase is the very definition of what being in the closet is.

Are you calling me a sinner

What more do I have to say

That part pretty much speaks for itself. Homosexuality being a sin is the main argument homophobes have. People have been and still are being killed for being gay because it’s “against god’s will”. Not to quote the lyrics but like, what more do I have to say.

I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’m sorry ma sister

Even if (I try to) hide it, or conceal it, it can’t be erased

So cry

Please dry my eyes

For the first time in the song, conveniently near the end, he is asking for support. He is asking his family to dry his eyes even if they are also crying. Please don’t stop loving me.

That light, that light, please illuminate my sins

Where I can’t turn back the red blood is flowing down

Deeper, I feel like dying every day

Please let me be punished

Please forgive me for my sins

Please

The song ends with him begging to be forgiven. Begging to be accepted. He is hurting so much he wants to die and he just needs their love. Sin is once again mentioned, twice this time.

To finish off, Tae is the only member who has chosen not to share the meaning behind the song. The darkest song out of all seven of them, left without context. Because the context is already in it.

It is also interesting to note that we all know Tae went through some shit near the end of last year and the beginning of this year. I do know that his grandma’s passing is a big part of it. But the thing is, Stigma comes from a very deep place within him. Everyone who has read the lyrics can tell that the one who wrote them has been through a lot of pain. Something is so dark is bound to put you through hell for at least a while. It is a song that basically shows self-hate. I’m sure those of you who are also LGBT+ will recognize the feeling he described so well. I do believe he went through a serious path to get to a point where he accepts himself. And he does confirm he has gone through a lot in the letter he wrote to JM.

2. When he fell in love with the photographer in 2 hours

https://twitter.com/ironchim/status/917878874779848704 - here is the video of the moment I’m talking about.

Main thing I’d like to point out here is how shy he gets when YG makes fun of him for having a crush on the photographer. I’m sure this reminds some of you of that time JM fell for the helicopter pilot.

3. The reason behind his love for Gucci

Tae has said that one of his role models is Alessandro Michele, the creative director of Gucci. Here is one instance where he has said it - https://mimibtsghost.tumblr.com/post/161685823623/vs-taehyung-profile-eng-trans-name-kim . First, I’d like to point out the fact that Alessandro is an openly gay man with a long-term partner. He is also someone who has been very outspoken about LGBT+ issues, which can also be seen in one of his collection that directly challenges gender expression. Here we can also bring up Gucci’s rainbow love. The abundance of rainbow attire in Gucci is linked not only to colors but also to the gay flag. This may answer people’s questions about why some of us are making a big deal out of Tae’s Gucci phone case with the rainbow UFO and recently the same UFO as a pin on JK’s tie at 2017’s Gayo Daejun. Knowing that Tae’s role model is Alessandro conforms that he is aware of the meaning behind it.

4. Ryan McGinley

Another one of his role models is Ryan McGinley (as mentioned in the post linked above). Who is Ryan McGinley you may ask? Another openly gay artist. He is a photographer known for his nude pictures, many of which are of men and of gay couples. Here is what Tae has said about him:

5. This

6. Ante Badzim

*gasps* another gay photographer he idolizes. The two of them actually had a sort of collaboration (exchange of photographs) and Ante is the one who came up with the nickname Vante. Here is TH’s part of the exchange:

And here is what Ante gave back:

7. “I can understand now why people look at you and go ‘oh’”

Let us never forget the time Tae posted a series of picture he took of HS on fancafe and accompanied them with this poem:

8. Lack of boundaries with skinship

Now, we all know that SK is a lot more open when it comes to skinship between friends. But what we also know is that even in SK, there are some boundaries. Things that make people raise their brows. And Tae is very prone to those. Here are some examples:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKQu4v0Pyvo

As much as some may just want to say “he’s just a touchy person”, I as a very touchy person who is LGBT+ and has many LGBT+ friends, can tell you that there is a thing like skinship being platonic at the same time as there being no hetero explanation for what is happening. When LGBT+ friends are together touchiness and flirting takes on a whole new form, believe me.

9. That time he accidentally called a co actor handsome and got super shy about it

In an interview with him and two of his costars from Hwarang they were, I believe, reacting to the drama. At one point Tae reacted to Hyungsik by quietly mumbling “You are handsome” but the other actors and the staff heard him and started laughing and he got so shy he tried to disappear off-screen.

10. This

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpLTlXAL-0Q

11. I mean….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpfTP3ibqh0&index=5&list=PLAw_Pp0vdPw1_TzREMD0J5pcXmtlwOTWK

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ChR_wd2rHA&index=3&list=PLAw_Pp0vdPw1_TzREMD0J5pcXmtlwOTWK

– Someone please give me a straight explanation for this, I’m begging you

12. Checking guys out

We can’t just ignore how many times he has directly checked guys out (we all know how he has a habit of leaving his mouth hanging open when he’s amazed by something). Here is an example of this but if you do your own research you will find a lot more:

(Credit to the creator of the gif, I apologize that I couldn’t find who made it. If it’s you please contact me so I can give propper credit).

In conclusion, I am not saying Tae is definitely LGBT+ but you shouldn’t be saying he’s definitely straight either because there are reasons to believe he may not be.

Cheers!

#lgbts #th #i know you expect mainly jikook from my blog but bear with me #just because i believe in jikook doesn't mean i think all the others are straight

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