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soveryanon · 5 years ago

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Reviewing time for MAG155~~

- It was a very interesting experience because… in the end, what was the thing that made me/us collectively disgusted by the statement-giver? Is there a way we could have felt a bit of sympathy or pity towards her? How come that she felt as loathable (or more) as the spooks gleefully killing for fun that we’ve met before? Why did I absolutely lack any empathy towards her even before she officialised that she had to kill people to stay alive and exactly whom she had indeed killed (the doctor trying to save her life, a helpless old woman, a young homeless man, a baby…)?

I think that in this statement, it mostly came down to the lack of regret and shame, and the hypocrisy regarding Tova’s motivations and her targets of choice: yes, fearing death and sacrificing people to keep living would be understandable as a human trait (and obviously not justifiable), but what made Tova mostly insufferable was how she kept presenting herself as a Good Person all through it, and how her story may be revealing that her so-called “philanthropy” was mostly… empty and only for show. Her “charitable” actions were never really about improving people’s lives or seeing the poor as people who deserved better, but about positioning herself at the centre of things, to think of herself as someone Better and Worth More, while poor or marginalised people were just presented as… things that needed her help, but not mattering much in the grand scheme of things, to the point that she ended up specifically targeting the people who she claimed needed her help (almost presenting it as if they owed their lives to her in the first place)?

(MAG155, Tova McHugh) “I had to live, I couldn’t die, not then. We were on the verge of closing a deal that would provide fresh water to impoverished communities in a dozen developing countries; without me, it would fall through…! So I kept moving, senses attuned to what I needed – and I found her, sitting in a park, all on her own. An old woman, frail and shivering, staring out at the ducks over the water, empty bread bag by her side. If only I could’ve explained it to her, I’m sure she would have understood. She might even have agreed…! But I couldn’t talk to her. And I needed to live. […] This time, I sought out a homeless man. Young and strong, though his life was clearly over as he tried to destroy himself through drinking. […] It’s… strange, the maths you do of it all. A full life ahead of it, but… aside from the devastated parents, no real harm to the world as a whole. No good works left unfinished. It was a baby born to poverty, one whose life I thought would… bring it pain. […] I’m 40 now, and I have taken the life of beloved mothers, respected professionals, pillars of the community. But I have done so much good with my life…! I’ve reached further, helped more people than they ever could have!”

And if the point was to spread the fear of Death: the most obvious target should have been someone famous, but as that pretty often comes with wealthiness… it just didn’t seem to cross her mind to target someone from her own social group or higher, I’m guessing?

Tova was so obsessed with appearances, with being acknowledged as “necessary”, with being credited for her ~good deeds~? You would like to hear some honesty from a serial killer, and she didn’t sound like she was providing any because she was still clinging to the image she was constructing for show. What pushed her to give a statement in a first place? Usually, statement-givers had been people screaming for help, or depositing their story because no-one would understand, or people delivering a message through their statements… but it felt like Tova was mostly doing it because she was trying to defend herself against the perception that people could have had of her?

(MAG155, Tova McHugh) “You’ve got to understand: I have so much to live for. Oh, okay, that’s not quite it; I know most people have plenty to live for, but what I mean is that my life does good…! I put a lot into the world. Did you read about that homelessness initiative, that got 8000 people into shelters – that was me! […] And that’s not money from some trust fund…! I mean, sure, my parents loaned me the money to start, but I built my business up from the ground, and we now provide jobs for almost 700 people….! And I know that everyone’s life has value, but I just… need to be clear that my impact on the world is a positive one. My existence does a lot of good. And that’s only gotten more true since all this started; I’ve given more, spent more time on charitable stuff, and… helped more people…! Sorry, I’m just… aware of how this story makes me look. And I don’t want you to think I’m some… selfish monster grinding people up just to extend my own ghoulish life. I’m trying to do good…!”

It’s also interesting how it was a very self-centred statement (lots of “I”s, the insistence that what had happened to her wasn’t “fair” while, hum, her victims could have said the same about what she did to them) and, yet, all of Tova’s reasonings and her entire life felt artificial? For example, it would still have felt wrong if she had wanted to survive because she didn’t want to give up her life and her husband; but no, he was just… summed up in two lines, and felt like an impersonal cardboard standee (“So, when I had an epileptic seizure, the first one of my entire life, the month before my wedding, that wasn’t fair…! […] having my first attack at the top of a staircase, five weeks before the happiest day of my life, that’s just… not fair! […] The church was magnificent, the reception the most fun I’d had in years, and Daven was exactly the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. […] There was no one else around: Daven was on a business trip and I was alone in the house.”). They were still married by the time she gave her statement, I guess? But we didn’t know, and it didn’t feel at all like he truly mattered much to her.

Also, I DO NOT LIKE THIS and/or really hope it’s just how The End feels when it goes for specific people:

(MAG155, Tova McHugh) “But more likely, I thought it would be nothing. No “heaven”, or “hell”, no thought or sensation, just… nothing! You wouldn’t even notice you were gone. But it wasn’t like that at all. I don’t know if I have… words, for it. How can you describe being aware of the absence of everything? Life. Light. Warmth. It was very dark. And very cold. It dawned on me that this might be my existence… forever, there, beyond time, and I tried so desperately to scream, but… I had no lungs or throat in that dreadful place. I couldn’t even cry. […] Again, I found myself in that dark, cold place; and this time, I simply waited, hoping against hope that this time, it wouldn’t be forever. […] Surely, it would see me through to the time I was actually meant to die; that I could go… peacefully into oblivion, not trapped in that… dreadful darkness.”

Because Tim is having a LOVELY kayaking trip and is not stuck in a dark, cold, empty place, thank you very much :|

- So wow, once again, the whole statement felt like it was coming for Jon’s throat re: choosing to feed, still presenting yourself as The Victim when you’re pushed to hurt others in order to survive, the fact that it’s never the right time to die, not wanting to do something or to be responsible for something and doing it anyway.

(MAG155, Tova McHugh) “So, when I had an epileptic seizure, the first one of my entire life, the month before my wedding, that wasn’t fair…! […] Did I have to do it again? The idea… appalled me to my core, but it seemed the only explanation. I had to live, I couldn’t die, not then. […] If only I could’ve explained it to her, I’m sure she would have understood. She might even have agreed…! But I couldn’t talk to her. And I needed to live. […] I made a decision. One I am… deeply ashamed of, but I honestly thought it was for the best. I couldn’t keep living like that in the shadow of death – of what I had to do to keep going. “One sacrifice,” I thought. […] Surely, this would be enough. Surely, it would see me through to the time I was actually meant to die […] I’m not saying how I live is right, or good… but it is the position I have been put in, and a decision I have to make. I never wanted to weigh up the value of a life, to set it on the scales against my own. But that’s a choice that I am forced into. And it is one I will continue to make.”

At least, Jon strongly reacted to that – although he’s still exploring and… waiting, without any answer.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: I’ve been reading nothing but these old, [FLAPPING PAPER] dry statements for so long, I… [PAPER RUSTLING] I feel weak. Like I’m… fading away. Do I restrain myself, keep my appetite in check, even at the cost of my life? Or do I try to rationalise what I am, like… Ms. McHugh? I find myself… hating her, her… callous self-deception. But am I so different…? Daisy’s chosen to resist in her own way, knowing full well it might take her life in the end; Melanie too. I… respect them for it, but I… I don’t know if I can follow their path. I suppose I have a way out, now. One that… wouldn’t even kill me – at least, I hope not. And yet, here I am still… Am I a coward? I just… What if they need me? What if.

Still under withdrawal, as long as it can last, but not exactly firm about the necessity of it at the same time.

(And also: sob that Tova’s “I made a decision.” reminded me of Jon’s own “I’m making a decision. I trust them. All of them.” from MAG117 ;;)

- I do love how a few episodes ago, Jon was Very Intensely claiming that no, he didn’t want to philosophise:

(MAG152) ARCHIVIST: And how can I tell, I suppose? My job is to view people at their lowest, their most fearful and unstable moments. Perhaps there is less change there than I imagine. Certainly… I don’t feel different; I have no desire for pseudo-religious philosophising or… delighting in the suffering of those I harm. … Then again, I suppose I’m hardly in the best position to judge.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: … What is the value of a life? Is it something that can be quantified, put down as “numbers”, “good deeds”, “bad”? And when your life, your existence, is at the cost of doing harm, what then? I’ve… [DRY CHUCKLE] I’ve saved the world…! The whole world! Does that… give me the right to… [SIGH] take what I need to survive…?

… And listen to him now, going for cliché Existential Questions from the get-go. At the same time, not very surprising from Jonathan “I’ve been quit from smoking for five years (which is why I had cigarettes on me)” Sims, it’s just your Typical Jon In Action.

(At the same, kind of worrying that if he goes for philosophising now, he could as well go for ~delighting in the sufferings of those [he] harms~, because what’s left, really?)

I’m still questioning heavily, though, what has been pushing Jon towards this or that statement lately. We know that for Eric’s tape, he purposefully picked one that he was prone to ignore, and identified that resistance as Beholding’s influence. What about the written statements? Since Annabelle’s taunt, we got a demonstration of Beholding being all-powerful (MAG148), hey-hey-hey-the-power-of-“I-love-you”-could-save-someone-from-The-Lonely / “gay love says f*ck The Lonely” (MAG150), Embracing Your Patron Makes You Feel Better (MAG152), You’re Never “Too Smart” To Avoid A Cult And Also Not Embracing A Fear Makes You Feel Miserable and Alone (MAG153); bonus, for all of them, the fact that the Fear(s) at work were quite blatantly sneaking in through people’s own weaknesses, at a time they were vulnerable (was it an invitation to focus on that part of himself…?). MAG155 was once again about an avatar embracing their path, although with a lot of hypocrisy and… technically not a lot of love for their patron. The comparison was very obviously unflattering for Jon (Tova McHugh insisting that what happened to her wasn’t earned, that it wasn’t her time to die, that she was Necessary, refusing to die even at the costs of other people, agreeing that some of her trials and errors were cruel, while still… accepting what she did as fair, and not planning to stop, and not feeling guilty for it), and while a lot of the recent statements sound like Jon’s Life, the question is still open: is it Beholding pushing Jon towards specific statements? Annabelle, to roast Jon utterly? Or is it Jon being drawn to statements that match his own feelings and interrogations?

- … there was SUCH a cruel edge in Jon’s words and snappiness:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Earlier, when she was still out of it, I, uh… I “saw” some of the things she was talking about, some of the things she did, while she was police. I’m not convinced I disagree with her assessment. [PAUSE] Do you want me to tell you? BASIRA: No. No, I don’t.

It’s what Elias would have threatened to do?! Bad, Jon, bad D: (His tone really changes depending on who he’s talking to? There are so many silences and so much dryness with Basira, while he was frantic with Martin, tends to be very soft with Daisy, and careful and awkward with Melanie…)

- Uhoh… So Melanie is quitting-for-real, Daisy is dying, and Basira is apparently going looking both Julia&Trevor and Annabelle through London. The assistants were supposed to check on him:

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: We’re… all well aware that with Peter Lukas in charge of the Institute, it’s a very real danger to all of us. We are trying. Daisy, Basira and I, we don’t leave the Institute much anymore – so we do spend a lot of time together. It’s not that easy, though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defences… [SIGH] sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re in the same room. … But it’s better than the alternative. And at least none of us is suffering alone.

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: Yes, no, I know, I’m sorry, uh– that didn’t… come out right. Honestly: thank you. [EXHALE] It’s been hell, but… I–I did need to hear it. MARTIN: Oh, hum… Uh, g–good. Heh. Are the others… helping? ARCHIVIST: Oh! [DRY CHUCKLE] They’ve been keeping a… very close eye on me…!

… but who will do that from now on? It really doesn’t feel like, logistically, Jon is currently being kept under surveillance? ;;

- ONE GOOD THING IN THE WORLD: the fact that Jon told the assistants quickly about that way of escaping!!

(MAG155) MELANIE: [INHALE] Thanks for… telling me, by the way. [INHALE] I–it didn’t look like it was easy for you. ARCHIVIST: [EXHALE] I–i–it wasn’t. I don’t think, uh… I don’t think “it” wants to lose anyone, but I thought… you of all people deserve the option.

It could go badly in many ways, but at least, he told them – unlike Gertrude, and unlike what Martin seemed to imply/assume…? So both fighting Beholding and refusing to follow Gertrude’s footsteps here.

Though yeah, Jon admitted that he wasn’t ready to do it himself. But the option that Melanie is going for does highlight that… there is a choice. And one of the Assistants is taking that option – if they don’t follow her example, it just means that, yeah, they’re making an implicit choice to stay, too.

(- Re:Gertrude, I didn’t really have time to ponder about it last week… but what if she did end up gouging out her own eyes, hence the blood in her office and the discrepancy between her two dates of death in March/May 2015? Because if it works to cut the connection to Beholding (I don’t think that Gertrude was as deep in as Jon currently is), then… maybe Elias wasn’t feeling her anymore, until he learned that she was still alive in May 2015…? He “assumed” she was dead the same way that Gertrude “assumed” that Eric had been killed by Mary:

(MAG154) ERIC: … Gertrude, I left the Archives months before she killed me. GERTRUDE: What?! No, that’s… that’s not possible. […] You… I’m sorry – you “quit”? ERIC: Yeah! I figured out how. GERTRUDE: I… I just assum– … How?

(MAG040) ELIAS: On the 15th of March last year, I had a query about a statement one of our researchers was after and went down to the Archives. Gertrude wasn’t there, but her desk was covered in blood. I, I called the police, and there was a huge search, but… there was no sign of Gertrude, alive or dead. She didn’t have any assistants, so there were no witnesses, and no-one saw or heard anything. The police tested the blood and confirmed the DNA matched to Gertrude, though I don’t know why they had her on file. They judged there to be almost a gallon of blood spilled, far more than the human body can lose and survive so, I assumed she was dead and left the investigation to the police, for all that good it did me.

… Counter-point, though: Gertrude recorded MAG087’s statement in April 2015, and it was a written one – so she could still see and/or there was Beholding magic allowing her to read though the statement without physically reading it, and both are not compatible with the idea that sacrificing your eyesight would cut your ties to Beholding…)

- It’s the second time recently (and the third this season) that Jon summarised The Unknowing as that time ~he saved the world~ and still no Tim mention although he squeezed the detonator :|

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: … I remembered Gertrude’s notebook; we found it alongside the plastic explosives, but it rather got lost amongst the business of… [SIGH] saving the world at the cost of two lives…

(MAG150) MELANIE: Helping it out… even in small ways, i–is in some way… evil too! Every time we try to use it to do good, it just seems to make everything worse, and… and I will not be a part of that anymore. ARCHIVIST: What about The Unknowing? We, we saved the world! MELANIE: Did we? I… I mean, I–I think it was the right thing to do, but how many people were killed to do it? We, we weren’t even a neutral party; we did it as agents of The Eye, because Elias told us to.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: I’ve… [DRY CHUCKLE] I’ve saved the world…! The whole world!

(Also, “saved the whole world”: as opposed to what, Jon. Half of the world? … Alright, with Tova’s statement in mind and the idea that ~uwu I’m only taking one life now and then but meanwhile I’m doing so much good!~, that’s fair.)

- I’m a bit ? regarding one of Jon’s comments in passing:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: I’ve been reading nothing but these old, [FLAPPING PAPER] dry statements for so long, I… [PAPER RUSTLING] I feel weak. Like I’m… fading away.

Because Annabelle had suggested that no, Jon hasn’t been able to read statements “silently” lately:

(MAG147, Annabelle Cane) “But think about it, Jon: when’s the last time you were able to read a statement quietly to yourself without instinctively hitting record and speaking it aloud? It is just instinct? Habit? Or is it a compulsion – a string pulled by the Ceaseless Watcher or the Mother of Puppets? Or both?”

And we can’t really say that Jon has stuck to old statements for soooooo loooooong – it’s been what, starting with MAG146 since Manuela’s live-statement (MAG144’s was read by Martin, MAG145 was one of Gertrude’s tapes), and Annabelle left her written statement fresh from the day in MAG147, so… Jon recorded five “old” statements since he was put on withdrawal. That’s… not a lot?

So, what is happening? I already felt that Annabelle might be misleading and over-exaggerating to mess with Jon, because Jon had provided some follow-up right after recording a few statements lately (such as with Eugene in MAG139: there was no static after his reading, and Jon still described the steel plant’s website, so… he had done his research before recording). At the same time, the cases of Jon’s victims demonstrated that the tape recorders hadn’t been recording everything spooky around Jon (the tape recorder only bothered with Floyd) – could it be the same with written statements lately…? Has Jon begun to read some aloud without us hearing them because the tape recorders aren’t clicking on…? If so, what would set apart the statements we heard as “important” enough to get recorded? With Floyd, we could make the argument that it was about Salesa – a well-known figure whose disappearance had long been (and is still) shrouded in mystery – while Jon’s other victims seemed to have been attacked by spooks not belonging to “our” recurring figures. But the statements Jon read which were recorded lately… didn’t deal with recurring figures either. Or are the tape recorders clicking on more or less weekly because, as Jon had put it in MAG123, they’re (independently from Jon) “hungry” too?

Alternative take (and, quite honestly, the one I’m digging the most): Jon Is Over-Exaggerating Again, You Stupid Idiotic Drama King. It’s just been five statements, but naaah, for Jon, it means that he’s been stuck with these old statements ~for so long~, because Jon Is Like That.

- Re: Jon Being Like That, another thing is that, during this scene:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Not like there’s any shortage of places to lay low. BASIRA: Hm. London is what, 600 square miles? ARCHIVIST: 607. BASIRA: [SIGH] Whatever.

… there wasn’t any static. On the one hand, it could be that the tape recorders are not reacting as much as they used to when Jon knows random stuff, or Jon has been Knowing… a lot of information lately and his actual acquisition of this Knowledge happened before this. On the other hand: I think it’s safe to assume that Jonathan Smartass Sims is JUST LIKE THAT and already knew about London’s exact total area, learning it through regular means years ago. It just screams “stupid precise details that Jon would know”.

This is probably why people already wanted to punch you when you were in uni, Jon…

- Something that has been very regular all through this season: Jon Knowing (with a flourish of static) who is going to enter his office before they do.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: I just… What if they need me? What if. [SILENCE] [KNOCKING ON DOOR] [STATIC] ARCHIVIST: Oh. Come in, Melanie…! [DOOR OPENS]

I want to get cautious about that point, because thinking it over, I’m assuming that that is what is happening – Jon is talking, then we hear static, Jon stops and realises something, then invites whoever to “come in” – but technically, could it also be something else…? The tape recorders not reacting to Jon’s Knowing, but to another presence coming closer, every time?

(The idea that it’s a Knowing makes sense, but it’s been so regular, and… almost ritualistic? We got a scene like this every two Jon episodes. Why does Jon Know, every time, who is on the verge of entering his office, and almost every time when someone is close to his door (it wasn’t the case this episode, Melanie had the time to knock, and only then did Jon Know who it was)? Is it because he feels threatened by the outside world? Is it because he’s so connected with the Archives that he’s especially sensitive to when people are approaching? Is it because of his complicated relationship with doors – with his inner “door”, as described in MAG127, adding a few more issues because what’s behind is threatening to “drown” him?)

- When it comes to static… Since Basira asked about that moment, I’m thinking back about Jon’s call to Daisy in MAG153:

(MAG153) ARCHIVIST: This, well… The Corruption at work, if I had to guess, though with unsettling echoes of a… “Fleshliness”. I suppose– [STATIC RISING] … Wait… OH…! Uh… [CLEARS THROAT] [STATIC FADING] [BREATHES FASTER] [RUFFLING OF CLOTHES] [CHAIR SCRAPING] [DIALLING TONES] Yeah, uh, I think, hum, I think you should probably get down here–

(MAG155) BASIRA: Why did you call her, and not me? ARCHIVIST: Honestly, I panicked. Her name came up first on my phone.

And I wonder. It would be well-contained enough for Basira to ask Jon why he had called Daisy because she’s… a bit hurt, or at least realising that the fact that Jon’s instinct to call Daisy and not her meant a lot: that Daisy is a safe option, that Jon wants to rely on her, while Basira, because she kept snapping at Jon and didn’t show him any tenderness, wouldn’t be the person Jon would turn towards – and it would be enough to hurt Basira deeply when, indeed, she’s been cold and calculative since The Unknowing precisely because she wanted to be in control of the situation, and was dead-set on being the only reliable person around.

But… it’s true that when Jon made that call, there had been static right before. We know that there are influences at work: Beholding has been influencing Jon, Annabelle claimed to not “control” Jon but clearly showed that she could exert some influence, and we still don’t officially know what was the thing which made Martin stash tape recorders around the coffin to allow Jon to get out, but it was clear that it wasn’t only Martin’s idea. Could it be that Jon’s call to Daisy had been influenced, too…? And if so, why…? Because she was supposed to defend Jon? Because it was to tempt her to follow the call of The Hunt again, by putting her in contact with other predators…?

- Whether it had been a spooky influence or not… I’m now sad for Basira? Because it makes sense, on its own, that Jon wouldn’t have called her for help; but at the same time, Basira had been the “closest” to Jon all through season 4. She went to the hospital instead of Melanie, when Georgie called; she was the one who updated Jon on what had happened during his absence, then on Melanie’s condition when Melanie was free from the bullet but absolutely devastated. They went to Ny-Ålesund together and, although I was really fearing that Basira was planning to throw Jon under the bus there, when faced with an actual danger, it turned out that… Basira preferred to leave the Dark Sun alone rather than seeing Jon risk his life. Basira has made many mistakes this season, she tried to be the cold, emotionless, all-rational person who could get them all out alive. And she utterly failed: she cut herself off from Daisy for a while because Daisy was “dead weight” in her current state, and she damaged the friendly relationship she used to have with Jon.

- Jon haaaad a point when he threw in Basira’s face her hypocrisy re:Daisy’s past actions, because… we indeed knew she was a violent cop, and not only with spooks (Daisy hadn’t hidden it in MAG061); and although she was assuming that Daisy was “only killing monsters”:

(MAG091) DAISY: You been following me, Basira? BASIRA: Didn’t need to. I know what you do here. ARCHIVIST: [SHAKY BREATHING] DAISY: He tell you? BASIRA: He didn’t need to. You’re not that subtle. But I… I always thought you just killed monsters. ARCHVISIT: [HIGH-PITCHED CRY] DAISY: I do.

… it was still extra-judicial murders, committed by a member of the police. And Basira was fine with that. Basira, who was also disgusted when one of her colleagues’ death was rewritten to present him as a crooked cop (MAG075). Her sense of fairness/justice has always been very biased, Daisy Being Her Personal Bias, and it keeps showing in the way she still tries to defend Daisy’s actions as something Daisy wasn’t responsible for:

(MAG146) BASIRA: You’re a danger, Jon. A monster. You’re hurting innocent people. ARCHIVIST: So did Daisy…! BASIRA: Shut up! It’s not the same thing at all. DAISY: Basira… [EXHALE] He has a point. BASIRA: You didn’t know what you were doing! DAISY: [SIGH] BASIRA: And since you did, you’ve spent every waking hour resisting. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

(MAG155) BASIRA: And if she doesn’t, she might die. ARCHIVIST: Something you’re fine with in certain other cases. And something she’s made peace with. BASIRA: Because of the guilt she feels over the stuff The Hunt made her do…! It’s not her fault. ARCHIVIST: Earlier, when she was still out of it, I, uh… I “saw” some of the things she was talking about, some of the things she did, while she was police. I’m not convinced I disagree with her assessment. [PAUSE] Do you want me to tell you? BASIRA: No. No, I don’t. ARCHIVIST: … You knew, didn’t you? You knew the sort of things she did, and you let her. BASIRA: No, not exactly. I thought… [PAUSE] It’s not that simple. ARCHIVIST: It never is. But that doesn’t make it okay.

(Aouch, given how it is answering Jon’s protest from a few episodes:

(MAG148) ARCHIVIST: It’s not that simple…! BASIRA: No, it is. Or I put you down. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … That’s… I mean, that’s hardly… BASIRA: Daisy has been managing. ARCHIVIST: Daisy is… [PAUSE] [SIGH] Yeah. She’s managing.

Still, Jon, even if it’s to throw it in Basira’s face, that was a bit harsh for Daisy, although. Yeah. Fair. … ;; I wonder what he saw, exactly…)

Jon went through that phase a bit, too (because it felt better to think that Daisy wasn’t responsible nor to be held accountable for her past actions, since… it would have meant that he wasn’t either), and it’s really poignant how Daisy was able to stay firm with both of them (and Martin), repeating again and again that no, it was her doing:

(MAG132) DAISY: I hurt… a l–lot of people… and some who… who I shouldn’t have. Did you ever hear the, the story Elias told me? About what I did. How I am… He, he didn’t get a detail wrong. The Hunt… Hunger was in me all my life. Telling me who to chase, how to hurt them. I never needed to think… who I was outside of that. […] [PANTS] Y–you know what I thought wh–when I woke up here? I thought this was hell; I wa–, I was dead, and within hell. And I… eh, I–I knew I deserved it…

(MAG142) DAISY: [INHALE] I’m sorry, Martin. MARTIN: It’s alright. Wasn’t you. [INHALE] Not really. DAISY: No, it was. I hate… a lot of what I did back then; doesn’t mean I’m not… responsible for it, doesn’t mean it… wasn’t me.

(MAG153) ARCHIVIST: But it– … What if it kills you? DAISY: [CHORTLE] Always said I was dedicated to justice…! ARCHIVIST: Daisy! It’s not… You can’t think like that. DAISY: Jon. Do you have any idea how much damage you can do if you’re a police officer who wants to hurt people? How much the system will protect you? [SHARP INHALE FROM JON] I managed to keep most of it from Basira, but… ARCHIVIST: That wasn’t you, that was The Hunt! DAISY: … [SIGH] We were the same. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … You’d never known anything different. [SILENCE] DAISY: Because I never wanted to. All that time trapped was good for one thing: thinking. And I did a lot of it. I’ve made my choice.

(It’s also, hum. A bit sad for Jon, by comparison? Because Basira is dead set on defending Daisy, but Jon doesn’t have a “personal Basira” at the moment. Which is probably better, because he isn’t enabled or excused (I’m GLAD that Martin didn’t throw himself into Jon Apologism), but also, aouch, Jon sounds even more alone and isolated somehow.)

- They keep going back to the “people change”, “we (have) change(d)” but in itself, it. doesn’t mean a lot…? Are they improving, bettering themselves, learning from their mistakes? Are they worsening, spiralling, losing sight of other people’s feelings and well-being? In Daisy’s case, I feel like, indeed, she changed for a better version of herself, as she wanted (at least, she stopped doing harm, and she’s holding to it, and she’s tried to take care of Jon a bit, and to act as a bridge between Martin and the others…):

(MAG132) DAISY: But down here, where I… I can’t hear the… blood anymore, I d–, I don’t… I don’t know who I am without, without the chase… I just know… that I… I don’t like who I was back outside. I don’t want to be her again. I want… to be… better… […] I don’t want t–to be a s–sadistic predator again… I–I don’t want to… hobble around, like some pathetic, wounded prey either… I don’t know which would be worse. And I’m sc–scared, now, that I’ll never get the choice… ARCHIVIST: One thing I’ve learned, Daisy, is that we all get a choice. Even if it doesn’t feel like one.

Same for Melanie, who developed splendidly; … but meanwhile, Martin, Basira and Jon are… not exactly changing for the best so far? (;; It hurts especially with Jon, since I had really felt like he was changing for the better in season 3… And right now, uh. Except for the part where he’s sticking to trusting the others (… although not enough to tell them re: his victims, apparently), it feels like he’s undone a lot of his previous progress…)

- ANYWAY, YOU HAVE YOUR BIAS BASIRA, BUT BAD, BAD:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: How’s Daisy? [SILENCE] BASIRA: I don’t know. She’s recovered from your little… “confrontation”, but she’s still getting weaker. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] BASIRA: I’m worried she’s– ARCHIVIST: Yeah. […] BASIRA: I’m trying to convince her to go after them. To, er… “Hunt” them. ARCHIVIST: Why? BASIRA: Because I’m not going to lose her. ARCHIVIST: She goes Hunting again, you might anyway. BASIRA: And if she doesn’t, she might die.

Gooooods I feel so sorry for Daisy… The way she’s described, she felt to me like a wounded animal who has taken shelter in an isolated corner and is mostly waiting for death to snatch her up and release her…? And meanwhile, Basira is encouraging her to lose herself, to give up and give herself to The Hunt she absolutely wanted to quit… I do understand Basira’s position; she lived through “Daisy dying” once and she doesn’t want to experience that again… just like Martin regarding Jon:

(MAG129) ARCHIVIST: … What happened, Martin? [SILENCE] MARTIN: You died. ARCHIVIST: I came back. MARTIN: Yeah. [OPENS DOOR] I’m not gonna let it happen again. ARCHIVIST: … wait… Wait! W– [DOOR CLOSES] [SIGH]

(MAG133) ARCHIVIST: You’re not happy she is back. BASIRA: I didn’t say that, Jon. I would never abandon Daisy and, having her back is… [SIGH] But right now, she’s dead weight. And I need to be able to travel light.

… But still. Season 4’s mood is feeling so sad for Daisy…

There is also the fact that Melanie is leaving and… I’m so glad for Melanie!! It’s what she deserved!! (Although she didn’t deserve what she had to do to be able to quit.) But I’m sad for Daisy given how it had felt like Daisy&Melanie had grown a bit closer, this season, compared to uuuh, their indifferent/rocky start in season 3:

(MAG112) DAISY: Couldn’t find Tim, but he’s gone with Martin and… the other one. BASIRA: Melanie. DAISY: Sure.

(MAG136) MELANIE: Well… uhm. Daisy’s been, erm… I’ve been keeping her company. Er, while… while Basira’s busy. She’s, er… ARCHIVIST: Oh, no, I, uh… I–I know. MELANIE: W–well, I’ve kind of got to… uhm. I’ve got somewhere to be. Do you mind if, if… she hangs around, with… […] [IN THE DISTANCE] Hum, yeah, he’s, he’s fine with it. So… [RUFFLING OF CLOTHES] [BREATHES] DAISY: Alright?

(MAG142) MARTIN: … Are you alright? DAISY: Yeah. Just a… a bit empty around here. You know? MARTIN: Not really. DAISY: Melanie’s out, and… [EXHALE] Jon and Basira’re still off.

(MAG146) ARCHIVIST: … So we’re going with her. DAISY: [SIGH] Come on, Mel. I’ll see if I’ve got a stab vest in your size. MELANIE: … Yeah. Sure.

(MAG147) DAISY: Here, Mel. MELANIE: What even are these? […] [INHALE] Uh, and… and, please, don’t… call me “Mel”. DAISY: What? Since when? MELANIE: Always. I’m… [SIGH] trying to be more… o–open about this… stuff. DAISY: Roger Wilco, Miss King. MELANIE: Mm! Better.

(MAG151) MELANIE: … Look, I… didn’t come here for a fight. I… just wanted to let you know what was going on. If you need me, I’ll be trying to get Daisy drunk.

It feels like Daisy is losing another “anchor” with Melanie’s departure…?

- Meanwhile, REALLY, Basira sounds very Hunt-y this season, uh? She had been running after leads, she had already managed to find and corner Martin, and she’s still at it:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Any luck? BASIRA: No. If they’re still around, they’re staying hidden. ARCHIVIST: Not like there’s any shortage of places to lay low. […] [INHALE] So, I guess we’ll want to look out for a pair of homeless serial killers now…! I’ll add it to the list. BASIRA: No sign of Annabelle either. ARCHIVIST: You’re still on that? BASIRA: You’re not? ARCHIVIST: … I–I mean, I don’t know how much she can predict or manipulate the future, but I think she’s proven she can at least avoid us finding her. BASIRA: Yeah, well. It makes me feel better. ARCHIVIST: I suppose that’s something.

I’m absolutely worried that she’s STILL TRYING TO FIND ANNABELLE… Because Elias had ~advised~ her to not get involved with The Web. And. Uh. Elias’s advice in the series tends to be a tiny bit prophetic.

(MAG037) MARTIN: Sorry… Look, Jon, I do think we should destroy the table, though. I mean, if it’s the one from Amy Patel’s statement. Just in case. ARCHIVIST: Elias told me the same thing. Luckily, he phrased it as advice rather than an instruction, so for now I’m more inclined to keep studying it. We’re not in the business of destroying knowledge.

(MAG117) ELIAS: Oh, and, Jon: technically, I can’t stop you, but I would heavily advise against bringing any… rogue… elements. MARTIN: You can just say Tim. ARCHIVIST: I will take it under advisement.

(MAG148) BASIRA: Or that we were being stalked by some freaky spider woman. Don’t tell me you didn’t know about that! ELIAS: Ah, uh, y–yes… W–well… To be honest, I’d… advise you to leave that one – well alone. BASIRA: Oh yeah? ELIAS: Uh! Look, look, look. I’ve… been doing this a long time now and, if there’s one thing I’ve learned about The Web, it’s that it plays its own game. All you can really do is… hope it doesn’t get in the way of whatever your plan is. Because the Spider usually wins…!

… I’m beginning to expect that if something ends up getting Basira… it will be because she went after Annabelle ORZ ORZ ORZ (And how ironic would it be, given how Basira so desperately tried to keep or regain some control this season…?)

- Okay, Melanie time: I’m so glad she’s jumping on that opportunity, that this season had been her time to find herself again and to take actions that would match her beliefs. She had already “abandoned” Beholding in a way, by refusing to serve it in any way (even seemingly harmless ones); now, she’s getting an actual way out without dying. There is an obvious heartbreaking disproportion between what it took for her to get trapped (just… accepting Elias’s job offer, signing a form) and what it takes for her to escape (gouging her eyes out and accepting to become blind), but I’m so glad she’s accepting it, that’s it’s not inflicted on her, that it’s her choice and that she has prepared herself to it.

(MAG155) MELANIE: No, Jon. I’m going to do it. [BREATH] I’m quitting. ARCHIVIST: Oh… [PAUSE] You’re… sure you’ve thought it through? I–I don’t know if we can look after you, you know? MELANIE: [BREATH] ARCHIVIST: A–afterwards. MELANIE: You don’t need to. I’ve… I’ve made a few arrangements, and… [SHAKY INHALE] It’s going to be okay. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: Ho–honestly. I–I think it is. I, I can’t… be a part of this anymore, and if this is the price, then, I think I’m okay to pay it. [DEEP INHALE, EXHALE]

It really put the others’ decisions to stay into perspective, too: Basira seems to perceive blindness as a vulnerability that she can’t afford, Martin had sounded a bit like Gertrude (can’t do it now, always threats to take care of), Jon… is unclear (he did offer to Martin, Martin wasn’t convinced, and now Jon is not keen on going for it – is it because Martin was right? Or is it because, just like Basira for Daisy, Jon doesn’t want to leave without Martin):

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: I–I–I don’t know, I–I mean, I suppose? I–i–if your vision comes back, the Beholding probably does as well…! P–probably. But it’s not like it’s easy to only… blind yourself temporarily anyway, uh, I… MARTIN: Y–y–yeah… yeah, uh… Ha–have you told the others, or…? ARCHIVIST: No, you–you’re the first. MARTIN: Why? ARCHIVIST: … Because… uh, because I–I trust you, I– I’m trying to think about what to do, and I… Well… if I did try this, I… I don’t want to do it alone. MARTIN: [EXHALE] ARCHIVIST: But we could leave here. You and me; escape. […] [SIGH] No. No, o–o–of course, this was… stupid, you have your own plans going on, don’t you? MARTIN: I just… Look, I need to see this thing through with Peter to the end. If–if what he’s saying is even half true, I need to be there. […] You know I can’t do it, not now; you don’t want to blind yourself; you don’t want to die; what you want… is a reason to not do those things. So… you come to me. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MARTIN: Well… you’re welcome! B–because I can’t follow you on this one.

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: Have you… thought any more about what I said? BASIRA: Yeah. I don’t think I can. Daisy wouldn’t come if I didn’t, and… I’m not leaving her behind. Besides, both of us being blind would be… [PAUSE] Anyway, being stuck here isn’t exactly her main problem right now. ARCHIVIST: No, I suppose not. BASIRA: And with those Hunters still out there– ARCHIVIST: No, I understand. Just wanted to make sure you… [INHALE] knew you had the choice. [EXHALE] […] I suppose I have a way out, now. One that… wouldn’t even kill me – at least, I hope not. And yet, here I am still… Am I a coward? I just… What if they need me? What if.

We’re lacking Daisy’s reasons – is it because she thinks that she’s dead meat anyway? Because she would like to be in shape to protect the others from Trevor&Julia until the end? Because she fears that The Hunt would find its way into her again if she were to cut herself off from Beholding? Is it because she wants to “see” Basira until the end…?

(MAG132) DAISY: Uh… Scared. I–I’m, I’m, I’m scared. I’ve been scared the whole time here. Not just when it’s, when it’s cr–crushing, when it f–fills your, y–your mouth with d–dirt… I–it knows when to stop, wh–when to ea–ease back, so you don’t… don’t lose it or, or grow numb… L–leaves you terrified for when it s–starts a–again and, wh–when it does, you, you’re s–scared that it’ll… n–never–never stop… I thought, thought I’d… I’d ne–never see the s–sky again, never… never s–see Basira…

Daisy is also a special case in her relationship to Beholding because, contrary to everyone else, she knew what she was signing for. She had decided it was worth it, to get rid of Jon in her nightmares (and regain some control over them), and because Basira&Jon were trapped in the Institute. I can understand that… it would probably feel a bit pointless to her to undo that at this point…

- I’m heartbroken over Melanie, too, but mostly for the PAIN she’ll inflict herself??? I’m really glad that she’s agreeing to becoming blind, but… the way she’s going about it…

(MAG155) MELANIE: [DEEP INHALE, EXHALE] Got, uh… Got one of those awls, from the book repair suppliers, up in the library? [BREATH] If it can punch through books, it can punch through, uh…! ARCHIVIST: [SOFT GROAN] MELANIE: Well, it… it should do the trick. No reason to try and make it too complicated.

It’s going to be painful, she’s going to do it herself, and she’ll have to take care of both eyes. She’ll be doing it TWICE. One time, suffering through it, and then ANOTHER.

It’s also emphasising how she managed to regain her agency this season: from getting the bullet removed by Jon&Basira, without her consent, while she was asleep, to free her from The Slaughter’s influence – to explaining to Jon that she will stab her own eyes, with an item she’s carefully chosen, on her own, to get free from Beholding. Even the choice of the awl feels like a bookend (ha): it’s coming from the library, which had been… her initial reason for coming time and time again to the Institute, when she wanted to research ghosts:

(MAG063) MELANIE: Alright, can you not be an arsehole about it? I just need access to your library. ARCHIVIST: So talk to Diana, she runs the place. MELANIE: Yes. I don’t exactly have the “academic credentials” you guys demand. So I apparently need someone to vouch for me. And you’re basically the closest thing I’ve got to a friend here. […] ARCHIVIST: I’ll have a word with Diana, see if I can get you into the library.

I also love how it feels like she’s finally proving Elias wrong a bit…? He had told her, when she was trying to kill him, that she wasn’t doing it for a greater good but for her own selfish reasons:

(MAG106) ELIAS: You already have doubts, though. You’ve been talking with Tim, and have convinced yourself that– MELANIE: [DRY LAUGHTER] ELIAS: –even if I’m telling the truth, I’m too dangerous to live. MELANIE: Well. ELIAS: Whatever I’m planning needs to be stopped! Even if it costs a few lives. Including your own. MELANIE: Well, that’s n–not even– ELIAS: A rationalisation, of course. A lie, about your own selfishness, that you would rather be dead than trapped without the self-determination you prize so highly. I wish I knew the words to convince you it’s for the best.

And yes, there is still some of it, some of her pride, in her current choice. But back then, Elias had given the impression that her feelings were making her centre on herself; right now, I feel like her feelings and her willingness to denounce what she sees as wrong and horrible make her “expand”, make her inspirational and admirable? Melanie was a stark contrast with this week’s statement-giver…

- It’s also very fitting, for Melanie, of all people, to give up her sight to escape…? She used to be a Spooky Podcast Youtuber. She witnessed her first actual spooks through the lens of a camera. She noticed that Not!Sasha was different through her physical appearance. The first statement she read was about The Dark and someone believing that hiding from the creature’s sight would provide him safety. Elias had threatened to engrave the sight of her father’s death into her mind. She was the one to find Gertrude’s eyeless dolls in the storage unit.

(MAG028) MELANIE: I reached the door and, using the camera, I peered inside. […] In the camera’s small viewscreen I couldn’t see what was there, what was underneath, but it was dark and shiny. I will never forget the sound of the skin coming away from her arm. […] ARCHIVIST: You say you recorded video of the event? MELANIE: Yeah, I’ve given your guys a copy, but watching it back the recording is so distorted that you can’t really make anything out.

(MAG076) MELANIE: Sure. Where’s Sasha, by the way? I wanted to say goodbye. ARCHIVIST: I’m sorry? MELANIE: Sasha. Your assistant. I haven’t seen her in a while. You didn’t fire her, did you? […] You know who I mean. Tall, long hair, glasses… She was here when I first came in. Back last April? We had a long conversation about haunted pubs. ARCHIVIST: No, I… I remember. But that is Sasha.

(MAG106) ELIAS: I’m afraid that’s not really something I can do. I can promise not to make it worse, though. MELANIE: What…? No…! ELIAS: You know how your father really died, and I am sure that is unimaginably painful for you, but be aware, if I choose to, I can make you see it. [TAPE RECORDER HISSING AGAIN] MELANIE: No… no… ELIAS: If you try to interfere with me again, in any way, I will drive that image so deep into your psyche. But even if you are right, even if you live, it will be there every time you close your eyes. MELANIE: No… no…

(MAG113) ARCHIVIST: Found anything yet? MARTIN: Er… er… Bunch of… eyeless paintings? MELANIE: [JOVIALLY] Snap! Eyeless dolls. Oh, and. Just a lot of shredded newspapers.

I really hope that her “arrangements” mean that she’ll stay at Georgie’s and get all The Admiral’s cuddles, aaaaah…

- I was already feeling like Melanie was giving her goodbyes in MAG150, and it’s now even more definitive… And a bit like Tim’s last words to Jon?

(MAG119) ARCHIVIST: Tim!! [STATIC] What do you see? TIM: I see my asshole boss! W– wait… wait… […] ARCHIVIST: Tim! [STATIC] What’s in your hand? TIM: It’s… I don’t… the– the– … the detonator… […] Jon, I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can… ARCHIVIST: [FAINTLY AND FAR] Tim…? TIM: I don’t forgive you. But thank you for this.

(MAG155) MELANIE: [INHALE] Thanks for… telling me, by the way. [INHALE] I–it didn’t look like it was easy for you. […] … I, I won’t… be around, after this, but I’ll–I’ll leave details, in case you need to get in touch… [INHALE] Hum… but… ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … I understand. […] We’ll… miss you. MELANIE: Wish I could say the same…! ARCHIVIST: … Yeah. [INHALE] Do you… need any, uh… help?

Grateful for something right that Jon did (giving them a choice, the artefact/information they could work with to make that choice), while still pointing out that no, staying around hadn’t been a great time.

EL-O-EL about that bit:

(MAG154) MELANIE: It’s, it’s the rest of you I’m worried about. ARCHIVIST: [SCOFF] We’ll be fine. Always have been. MELANIE: Not always. ARCHIVIST: No… I guess not.

Jon, You’ve Never Ever Been Fine since you began working in the Archives.

- I’m So Glad About That Last Dig At Elias, he deserved it.

(MAG155) MELANIE: I’ve left a proper resignation letter, on Lukas’s desk. It was quite satisfying to write, actually. Almost made me wish it was Elias! ARCHIVIST: [CHUCKLING] MELANIE: He would have hated me not serving out my two weeks-notice, huh! Not sure… Lukas even knows who I am…! … Probably for the best.

(!! About the fact that Jon, too, was cracking up a bit.)

And at the same time, wow: Elias has been away for more than a year, Melanie only got him as a boss for less than six months… and he’s still marked her so deeply that she spontaneously thought about what would upset him. Understandable given that, unlike Peter, yeah, Elias had been the one to trap her, traumatised her and was the overall cause of an added bunch of miseries, but still, aouch that he scarred her so deeply ;;

Also, Oh No, Melanie, Peter does know your name ;;

(MAG120) MARTIN: So what now? PETER: Well, if you could send Melanie and Basira up to see me, I’d like to introduce myself.

I’m not expecting Peter to do… anything about Melanie leaving, honestly, since he already told Martin he wouldn’t intervene for stuff the Archival staff decided on their own. But he knows her name, that’s probably never good. (… It also means that, even if Jon has had access to MAG120’s tape (which we still don’t know), he didn’t share that one with the class.)

- Things I’m Worried About:

* Peter will certainly not read Melanie’s letter, but Martin, however… And how will he take it? Panicking because he’d feel that Jon was a bit more serious about that idea than he had assumed? There is also the fact that he sold himself to Peter to protect the others, so Basira and Melanie at the time – and now, turns out that Melanie… is leaving. Just like that. Martin doesn’t want to stop The Extinction for Peter or because he’s indebted, quite clearly; but still, there is something very bittersweet in the fact that Martin went through isolation, cut his ties with the others because he wanted them to be safe… and didn’t get anything in return. Peter never lifted a finger to protect them and, now, turns out that Melanie can and wants to leave. It feels like Martin’s early sacrifices were already for nothing…

* Will Melanie’s dreams come back, if she’s not under Beholding’s ~protection~ anymore? (If she’s able to “see” him, will she notice something different in the Jon from the dreams…? How bad are the nightmares, nowadays? Had Jon gone from watching passively to enjoying them…?)

* Jon was hypothesising that Beholding might not want “to lose anyone” and I’m fearing Elias’s reactions a bit?? Will Melanie cutting her ties hurt Elias? Will it hurt Jon? (I also would be interested to hear about Melanie visiting Elias one last time, for the Satisfaction and the parallel with Rayner visiting Robert Montauk in prison?).

* I don’t think this is the last we’re hearing from Melanie, because she wouldn’t be written off like that (especially given how the medium is sound-based). But I have trouble picturing how we could still hear her in happy circumstances. Would she visit the others? Would the others go visit her…?

* Squintsquintsquint that we still don’t know if Melanie’s therapist is an absolutely normal therapist, or a spook. I think that in any case, Melanie was given actual therapy which allowed her to think about herself and what she wanted to do (I don’t think that the bottom line would be that she was ~manipulated into thinking that it was acceptable to stab her eyes~: it would be too iffy, I really believe it was her own choice coming from her actual feelings), but it doesn’t mean that the therapist has to be absolutely harmless and inoffensive on her own.

* …………………….. how come that Melanie was able to say “I’m quitting” and to write her resignation letter………………..

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: But I understand it’s a big thing. We’ll keep looking. Maybe there’s a–another way we c– MELANIE: No, Jon. I’m going to do it. [BREATH] I’m quitting. ARCHIVIST: Oh… [PAUSE] You’re… sure you’ve thought it through? I–I don’t know if we can look after you, you know? […] MELANIE: I’ve left a proper resignation letter, on Lukas’s desk. It was quite satisfying to write, actually.

We know through Martin and Tim that “something” was preventing them from doing it:

(MAG039) ARCHIVIST: No… We’re clearly doing a whole heart-to-heart thing and, truth be told, the question’s been bothering me. You’ve been living in the Archives for four months, constant threat of… this. Sleeping with a fire extinguisher and a corkscrew. Even you must be aware that that’s not normal for an archiving job? Why are you still here? MARTIN: Don’t really know. I just am. It didn’t feel right to just leave. I’ve typed up a few resignation letters, but I just couldn’t bring myself to hand them in. I’m trapped here. It’s like I can’t… move on and the more I struggle, the more I’m stuck. […] It’s just that whatever web these statements have caught you in, well, I’m there too. We all are, I think. [SIGH]

(MAG065) TIM: You’re firing me? ARCHIVIST: … I’m offering you a chance to quit. No notice period, I’ll even make sure you get the rest of the month’s paycheck. [PAUSE] Just say the words. [STATIC RISES] TIM: I want to. ARCHIVIST: So do it. TIM: I… … can’t. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] Why not…? TIM: I… I… I–I can’t! I don’t know… Why can’t I quit?! ARCHIVIST: I–I don’t know. But I don’t think I can fire you either.

So how come Melanie was able to do it even before cutting ties? It is because she was emotionally straining herself away from Beholding already? Is it because Jon has been subconsciously keeping the assistants prisoners, and already knew (and had accepted) that Melanie didn’t want to feed Beholding? Is it because Elias did something, or because he’s not there? Is it because of Peter’s influence diminishing Beholding’s on the Institute…?

- Aaaah… the way Lydia plays Melanie is so… I don’t know how to describe it, but hearing Melanie, I’m often… almost discomforted. There is something grating, unstable, but in a good way – as if talking is painful for Melanie, words rasping against her throat? The uneasiness, the fear, the anxiety, the pain are just slipping through so efficiently? I could only hear the pain in the way Melanie talked about what she was going to do… (The way she simply breathes, too: her inhalation/expiration feel very heavy usually; and in this episode, we could also hear her trying to smooth them up, to calm down a bit?)

- … Okay, so, Melanie is planning to do it now, in the next five minutes, and I’m extremely grateful that we’re not hearing that on-tape:

(MAG155) ARCHIVIST: … Yeah. [INHALE] Do you… need any, uh… help? MELANIE: [INHALE] No. I’ve got this. [BREATH] But if you, hum… if you could… [INHALE] In five minutes… ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: I would appreciate it if you could call me an ambulance. ARCHIVIST: [SHAKY INHALE] … Right.

… but also extremely surprised that the tape recorder, that nosy thing, hasn’t just followed her and popped up in the room when she’d be doing it, in order to gleefully witness her agony. They did it with Jon when he tried to cut his fingers; why doesn’t it want to listen to Melanie’s suffering, to record someone cutting ties with an Outer God…?

- In advance: poor hospital nurses who will have to fetch Melanie. They’re probably used to it (even unspookily), but I do hope that it won’t lead to more people signing their equivalent of Section 31. Though, if it’s like with the police, things happening within the Magnus Institute are automatically labelled as spook-cases, so they could send staff already in the know…

I really doubt that there’ll be any investigation due to an employee gouging her eyes out in her own workplace, since it’s the Institute, but… I do hope there is none. Section 31 officers used to be searching for Daisy, back in season 3, and Elias had pointed out they wouldn’t hesitate to go for the kill in MAG092. If Melanie’s self-mutilation gives them an opportunity to go back to the Institute, it could go even worse so quickly for the remaining assistants…

- I think I was in the minority who had found the beginning of season 4… not exactly “hopeful” but still leaving place for hope, for an ascending curve. Technically, although the first few episodes were exposing to us (through Jon) how things had become hard and precarious during Jon’s coma (Tim dead, Daisy “dead”, Martin absent and working with Peter, Melanie overtaken by her fury, Basira closed off and distrustful), it was quickly followed by Jon improving the situation, getting the assistants back: removing Melanie’s bullet (MAG125), leading to Melanie being able again to define herself not solely through her anger (MAG131) and seeking therapy to try to get better (MAG136); managing to find Daisy in the coffin and to get her out (MAG132), leading to Daisy staying firm on her rejection of the call of The Hunt (MAG140, MAG142), to the point that she would rather die than follow her “blood” again (MAG153, MAG155). To a certain extent, Jon had also managed to score a few points with Basira, enough for her to open up about her research and her plans regarding Ny-Ålesund (MAG140), bringing Jon with her and not planning to sacrifice him nor being keen on the idea of Jon sacrificing himself (MAG143); same with Martin, in a way – their first exchange (MAG124) was a disaster, but Jon was able to tell him “I miss you” during the second one (MAG129), and as audience, we had heard Martin (MAG126, MAG134, MAG138) and we knew that Jon and the assistants still mattered to him much more than he let on when trying to avoid Jon. Even the reveal of Helen’s occasional presence in the tunnels sounded, at first, like potential good news – The Distortion had helped against Jared’s attack, protecting the assistants, and was keen on helping Jon.

The second half has been souring most of the small victories: first by revealing that, all through this, Jon had actually been attacking people, re-traumatising five persons and trapping them in Beholding’s grasp (MAG142 making it very clear that it’s really, reaaally not “just a few bad dreams”). The Distortion, too, wasn’t actually that benign: Helen had been consuming a few persons, including someone that Jon’s team had been able to contact back in season 1. Daisy’s withdrawal from The Hunt is literally killing her. Basira has been confronted multiple times about her hypocrisy and isn’t improving in that regard. Martin has actually grown “comfortable” with his isolation and he’s both going for a self-sacrifice and unable to communicate with others without it turning dry, snappy and hurtful – Jon included (MAG154).

On the other hand, although it will be with a cost and not without pain, Melanie might be managing to get out for real, which, yay!! … But it also really feels like she is actually jumping off the boat right before it begins to sink…?

(I’m getting a bit of a The Fall of the House of Usher vibe, lately, feeling like things are slowly dissolving and crumbling…? Characters are in standby, waiting; it doesn’t sound like Jon and Daisy can carry on like this for very long, Martin is not planning to come back, Basira is still running into danger. I have no idea what is supposed to happen, what could be the driving forces in the season finale (we know that Annabelle has her own agenda and is keeping a close eye on the Archives, interfering when Jon went astray; Julia&Trevor are back as threats; we can guess that Peter might have a hidden agenda; Elias has proven that he could still be damaging and get what he wanted from afar; there is still the matter of Dekker’s whereabouts; there are still suspicions about Melanie’s therapist…) but, the closer we get to the end of the season, the more trouble I have picturing that season 5 could still take place within the Institute? I don’t know, especially given that the tunnels and the remnants of the old Millbank prison have their importance, I’m not sure that the building in itself will still be standing by the end of the season…? How could Jon, Basira and Daisy keep “living” at the Institute in the same state as now, still fading/dying, once Martin&Peter have made their move…?)

My first instinct for MAG156’s title is Gundam Wing Endless Waltz Gundam Wing Endless Waltz Gundam Wing Endless Waltz “Beholding” again? (The word or variations of it popped up in a lot of Eye statement, and I’m especially thinking about MAG060 and Christopher Meyer’s mirror; it was also used metaphorically by Smirke to describe his relationship to Jonah Magnus.) Or Spiral, especially The Distortion’s corridors? Or Stranger? Or a last Extinction statement before the end of the season…? (Basically: a Coraline episode.) Or Peter Lukas talking alone for 20min? Or Elias monologuing?

When it comes to Archives Drama, I’m expecting introspection again, and/or more pseudo-philosophising from Jon, and/or something about Daisy and Jon… But I’m also thinking about “basically another MAG117 – Testament”, so ;; Could be Martin’s last thoughts before going for it…?

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #tma liveblog #mag155 #tma season 4 #the magnus archives #long post/

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foursproutwealth-blog · 7 years ago

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How to get out of debt (without gimmicks or games)

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How to get out of debt (without gimmicks or games)

As part of back to basics month, let’s use today to explore how you can get out of debt without gimmicks or games.

After twelve years of reading and writing about money, I’ve come to believe that debt reduction ought to be a side effect and not a goal. Getting out of debt is a target, not a habit. And, as we’ve been discussing recently, good goals are built around actions instead of numbers. If you restructure your life so that you’re spending less than you earn, you will get out of debt. It’s a natural side effect.

Having said that, I realize that a lot of GRS readers are struggling to get to square one. Getting out of debt is their goal and primary obsession. That’s okay.

Before you can begin repaying your debt, you must be earning a profit. Unless your income exceeds your expenses, your debt is actually increasing. If you’re continuing to add debt, or if you’re only able to make minimum payments, you must first find ways to spend less and earn more until you have a positive “saving rate”. (Both businesses and people earn profits. But when individuals earn a personal profit, we call it “savings”.)

After you’re earning a personal profit, you can (and should) make debt elimination a priority.

Why You Should Pay Off Your Debt

Debt repayment can improve your credit score, meaning you’ll pay less on everything from rent to car insurance to future borrowing needs. Plus, debt reduction is one of the best returns you can earn on your money.

Investing in the stock market provides an average annual return of about 10% — but that return isn’t guaranteed. Some years the market is up 30%, but other years it drops by 40%. When you pay down a credit card, you earn a guaranteed return of 20% (or whatever your interest rate is). That’s tough to beat.

There are also non-financial benefits to paying off debt, including:

Simplicity. The more debt you have, the more bills you have. It’s easier to manage your money when you have a simple, efficient financial infrastructure. Each time you pay off a debt, you move one step closer to this ideal.

Cash flow. Whenever you eliminate a debt, the money formerly used for that monthly payment becomes available to pursue other goals – including fun stuff like ski trips and knitting supplies.

Freedom. When you have monthly payments to meet, you’re chained to your job. You’re unable to take risks. Once your debt is gone, a wider range of options becomes available to you.

Peace of mind. Best of all, once you’re debt-free, you can sleep easier at night. You’ll put less pressure on yourself, and you’ll have fewer fights about money with your partner.

When I first tried to get out of debt, I lacked a system. Without a plan, I sent extra money to one credit card and then another. As a result, I never seemed to make any progress.

After deciding to become boss of my own life, however, I researched how to get out of debt. Many books recommended a strategy called the “debt snowball”. Although I was skeptical, I gave it a try. The method worked. Using it, I managed to eliminate my debt and begin saving for the future.

The Debt Snowball

With the debt snowball, you set aside a specific amount of cash each month to pay off the money you owe. At first, progress is slow. In time, however, you begin to make rapid progress, picking up speed like a snowball rolling downhill.

Step One

The first step is to make a list of your debts. For each obligation, include the balance you owe, the interest rate, and the minimum payment. Arrange the list so that the debt with the highest interest rate is on top. Next comes the debt with the second-highest interest rate, and so on, until you reach the final debt on the list, which will be the one with the lowest interest rate.

For instance, here’s the actual list of my debts from October 2004, ordered by interest rate:

Computer Loan: $1116 @ 15% ($48 min)

Business Loan $2800 @ 11% ($30 min)

Home Equity Loan $21000 @ 6% ($100 min)

Car Loan $2250 @ 5% ($170 min)

Personal Loan $1600 @ 3% ($100 min)

Personal Loan $6430 @ 0% ($60 min)

I had $35,196 in debt and my minimum payments totaled $508 per month.

Step Two

Once you’ve listed your debts, decide how much you can afford to pay toward them each month in total. This should be at least the total of your minimum payments ($508 in the example above), and preferably more. In my case, I started by allocating $700 every month toward debt reduction.

Step Three

Now, for all of your debts except the debt with the highest interest rate, make minimum payments every month. Use the rest of the money you’ve allocated for debt reduction to pay down the debt with the highest interest rate.

The computer loan topped my list of debts with an interest rate of 15%. The minimum payments for the other debts combined to $460 per month. Under this plan, I’d then take the remainder of the $700 I’d allocated toward monthly debt reduction and apply it to the computer loan. Instead of making the $48 minimum payment, I’d pay $240.

Step Four

Repeat this process every month until the debt at the top of the list has been eliminated.

Step Five

Here’s where this method gets powerful. With your first debt defeated, you don’t use your improved cash flow to buy new things. Instead, you use the extra cash to attack the next debt on your list.

If I start by applying $700 toward debt each month, for example, I continue to apply $700 toward debt each month until all of the debt is gone. After the computer loan is retired, I focus on the business loan. Because the minimum payment on my other debts would be $430, I could funnel $270 to pay off the business debt every month.

When the business debt is gone, I’d then throw $370 per month at the home equity loan, and so on. Ultimately, I’d be left with a single loan: the $6430 personal loan at 0% interest. Every month, I’d apply all $700 to get rid of this debt.

Pros and Cons

The debt snowball is powerful and effective. Mathematically, it’s the best way to get rid of your debt. There’s just one problem.

When you attack your debts from highest interest rate to lowest, you’ll pay less money in the long run. Unfortunately, many folks – including me – find the going difficult. In my case, I hit a wall when I reached the third debt on the list, my home equity loan. That $21,000 balance was going to take years to repay. I didn’t have that kind of patience.

Fortunately, I learned there were other ways to order your debts. You don’t have to tackle the high interest rates first.

Building a Better Snowball

Humans are complex psychological creatures. They’re not adding machines. Many of us know what we ought to do but find it difficult to actually make the best choices. (If we were adding machines, we wouldn’t accumulate consumer debt in the first place!) It’s misguided to tell somebody so deep in debt that they must follow the repayment plan that minimizes interest payments. The important thing to do is to set up a system of positive reinforcement.

Because of this, many people prefer slight variations on the debt snowball method. These methods ignore math in favor of psychology.

Dave Ramsey’s Debt Snowball

Financial guru Dave Ramsey has popularized one variation of the debt snowball. Instead of ordering your debts by interest rate, he suggests you attack those with the lowest balances first.

Using Ramsey’s method, my debts from 2004 would be ordered like this:

Computer Loan: $1116 @ 15% ($48 min)

Personal Loan $1600 @ 3% ($100 min)

Car Loan $2250 @ 5% ($170 min)

Business Loan $2800 @ 11% ($30 min)

Personal Loan $6430 @ 0% ($60 min)

Home Equity Loan $21000 @ 6% ($100 min)

As with the standard debt snowball method, I’d make minimum payments on each debt except the top one on the list. At it, I’d throw everything else I’ve allocated for debt reduction each month. When the top debt was eliminated, I’d move on to the one with the next smallest balance.

Ramsey’s variation isn’t as quick as paying high-interest debt first, and in the long-run, you’ll lose slightly more to interest payments. (In my own case, the projections showed it’d take an extra month to repay my debt and I’d pay and extra $841.15 in interest.) However, there’s a psychological advantage to doing things this way.

By attacking your smallest debts first, you get some quick wins, which provide a mental boost. This psychological lift provides extra motivation to keep attacking that debt. Every few months, you get the satisfaction of crossing another debt off the list! Ramsey says this is “behavior modification over math”, and he’s right. In fact, I opted to use this variation of the debt snowball when I repaid my own $35,000 of debt in 39 months.

Adam Baker’s Debt Tsunami

Other experts, including my buddy Adam Baker from Man vs. Debt, suggest yet a third alternative they call the debt tsunami. They argue it’s best to pay off your debts in order of their emotional impact. Attack your debts from smallest balance to highest, they say, but for added psychological boost, prioritize any debt that particularly bugs you.

“I used to be addicted to gambling,” Baker says, “and I had debt that was specifically associated with gambling. To pay that off first changed me as a person. To pay off the $600 I owed on a credit card was great, but it didn’t change me. It didn’t signify that my life was going to be different and that I was going to live in a different way.”

But paying off his gambling debt did mean something to him, so Baker attacked that first.

Here’s another example: Many people borrow money from their parents. These loans may carry interest rates of only two or three percent (or maybe they’re interest free), but they come with a lot of psychological baggage. This is another instance where it might make sense to pay down low-interest debt first because the non-financial rewards are so great.

The most important thing when paying off your debts is to pay off your debts; the order in which you do so is ultimately irrelevant. Find a system that works for you and develop the discipline to stick with it.

Note: It’s less imperative to repay low-interest debt. Businesses use “leverage” to borrow money cheaply so that they can earn higher returns elsewhere. You do the same when taking out a mortgage at low rate (like three percent) or using school loans to improve your education (which will, in theory, provide high future returns). It’s good to repay all of your debt, of course, but it’s okay to make repaying the mortgage a long-term goal instead of lumping it in with your debt snowball.

The Bottom Line

As I mentioned at the start, I’ve come to believe that debt repayment is a side effect and not a goal. You shouldn’t make it your primary purpose.

If you do the other things I recommend, such as creating a personal mission statement and boosting your profit margin, you’ll naturally pay off debt as a matter of course. But you’ll enjoy a benefit many people don’t have once their debts are gone.

You see, a lot of people feel lost once they’ve dug out of debt. Search online and you’ll find tons of questions and conversations about what to do next. Debt repayment had given them purpose, and now that purpose is gone. As a result, they lose financial direction. And like a dieter who had aimed for a weight instead of a lifestyle change, an unfortunate few of the newly debt-free find themselves resuming bad habits.

If you’re pursuing other goals and intentionally building good habits, you’ll get out of debt. And once you get out of debt, the good times will continue: That debt snowball you’ve been building will transform itself into a wealth snowball.

Congratulations! You’re on your way to financial freedom!

Have you ever had to dig out of debt? What methods did you use? Were some more successful than others? If you had to do it over again, would you have done anything differently? What advice would you give to others who have just taken on the role of money boss in their lives?

The post How to get out of debt (without gimmicks or games) appeared first on Get Rich Slowly.

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