#fun fact! someone who is default not very expressive is much easier to read when they do show emotion and expression

[inchidentally]

this look right here - when only his eyes are visible and taken at a distance with grained film - is why Lando ‘adores giving and receiving physical affection’ Norris doesn’t feel at all deprived around someone like Oscar - when just the way he looks at Lando is a caress and a crushing hug all at once

[kippielovesyou]

Helllllooo kipppiee. Sorry for this random anon ask. I’ve been reading your eruhan and erurihan fic. i know you stop following the series. sorry if this is so sudden and i really love the way you write them. i love the characterization. <3

how do you write Erwin’s character? when it comes to his interaction with Levi and hange? is there any tips? thank you!

It's no problem! Asks like this are fun!

Erwin is a bit difficult because he and I have almost opposite personalities. He's distant and I am really not, I overshare at the drop of a hat. Take this as just one interpretation and method, there's many ways to approach characterization. I think someone who relates to Erwin would write him very differently than I would and I think we'd have an interesting experience that would be very different from the way I see him.

The first thing I do when I start to write any character is think about what I want to have happen (Erwin to have romantic feelings) and what I actually see in canon (Erwin probably doesn't have time for romantic feelings because he is focused on his goal of eradicating Titans). You need to be almost brutally honest about canon and not grasp at hints in this case. You can use those hints later, but for the baseline be honest. What would make Erwin change to what I want? People are pretty flexible, things they swore they'd never do, they can end up doing.

Erwin isn't very close to many people. So who is he close to? Why is he close to them? That's when you use the spare hints we've been given. For instance: Levi. We know that he and Levi have a deep mutual trust. However, even Levi acknowledges that he's not privy to everything Erwin is thinking so that trust isn't equal on both sides. That causes distance. So how can we close that distance?

Personally, and this just my interpretation, it would take an extreme change of circumstances to get Erwin to change. A lot of the times when I write Erwin giving in to his feelings, it's usually after he loses his arm. I know in canon he really didn't alter his course, but we did see a side of him that is more vulnerable. I've also used the death of certain characters to prompt him. Realistically in canon I don't think he'd really change his focus much, but fanfiction allows this vulnerability to be used. I've created a scenario in which Titans are gone and Erwin has survived. That is a HUGE change of circumstances. In fact, now Erwin doesn't have a clear cut goal anymore. There's other circumstances to prompt Erwin to soften, be creative!

So great! Erwin has feelings! Wonderful! So...how does he act? Well, by default he's distant, he can be charming, but I think he's not sure how to express softer feelings. I'm currently writing Erwin interacting with his mother, someone he should be warm with, but he's so used to being distant that he relies on her to initiate. This is part of the reason I'm excited to take on the challenge of the Eruri part of Erurihan, they're both distant and both probably need someone else to initiate, so it's a stand off. I haven't figured out how to resolve the stand off, but that will come. However with someone like Hange, it's easier to resolve. Hange is more likely to initiate casual affection and assuming we've laid the groundwork for Erwin having feelings, it's not hard to develop that. Eventually I think Erwin could initiate affection and not just reciprocate, but he needs time to get there.

Also think about how distant and logical people might express love: taking care of chores, paying for things, nursing you while sick, giving gifts, listening quietly while you talk, taking time out for you when you know they're busy, etc. Maybe even writing letters if they have the words but have trouble saying them. All of those fall into things I think Erwin would do, but most wouldn't see them as obvious acts of love. I think someone who knew him and returned his feelings would either understand or grow to understand that this is how he expresses his feelings.

A thing to keep in mind: think about how jarring this would be. You have a friend who you know has constantly schemed, lied, and withheld information from you. You know ultimately that their grand goal was good, but you aren't sure if you trust them fully and you know they don't trust you completely. Maybe despite yourself you find yourself marginally attracted to their mystery, but you never expect them to be fully honest with you. Then suddenly out of the blue, they declare that they love you. Confusing, right? It would be to me. I'd wonder if they knew what love meant, considering that I've never been sure when they're hiding things from me, or if they're ready to sell me up the river for the sake of a cause. That's what we're dealing with. Erwin has sent people out to die for his cause and Levi and Hange are no exception. So I imagine on their end (or anyone whom you choose to write Erwin with) is going to struggle with this.

Wow this is long! I hope it helps a little bit!

[rainbowcarousels]

You can blame @aimeelouart for asking about my keeping track of how each relationship between AGSZC progresses for the fact this meta now exists. It was somewhat hastily written in the back of my maths textbook so please excuse the lack of polish and put it down to the fact I couldn’t take another 2 hours of algebra.

Fives Company, not a Crowd

Relationships with Love

(or how AGSZC functions in the JBSWM universe*)

Cloud

Love is something that is given without expectation of return. This is applicable both platonically and romantically, he's willing to put everything on the line for the people he loves but he doesn't really expect them to do the same for him. Some of that comes from the fallout from his and Tifa's trip up the mountains and the subsequent responsibility placed on him for that but other parts stem from wanting to feel included but not being able to put himself out there so it's a lot easier to  be prickly and pretend you don't care when in reality, I think Cloud loves incredibly deeply and it's why he's easily hurt by it no matter how strong a front he puts up. At eighteen, he's still trying to find a balance between keeping everyone at bay so he doesn't get hurt and letting himself figure things out and take those risks. There's a fun parallel to Sephiroth there in that neither cut themselves any slack for mistakes so it's hard to get out there when you might make one when making a mistake – especially in his first real adult relationship –  feels like the end of the world. His only really obvious love up till that point is his mother and I do think he misses her a lot, but is also deathly afraid of letting her down and that weighs on their relationship.

The rest under the cut!

Zack

Loves to love (and he loves to dance, kudos to anyone who got that reference). The walking embodiment of a carebear, loves quickly, easily and casually. The more affection and love you throw at him, you'll get it back tenfold. The trick with Zack is that he lives his life with his heart so open that he has a natural connection with most people but it does make it more difficult to spot the differences between puppy love and intense, romantic love. This is one of the reasons he and Gen clash so much, Gen is 10000% passion and intensity and Zack always seems casual even when he's not. Ultimately, Zack is only 20 and still has a lot of trouble balancing his life between love, friendship and work. Since he's a social creature by nature compared with Cloud's more introverted nature, he's pretty decent at reading people and what they're feeling and absolutely wants to listen to them and hear about what they're feeling instead of having to guess. Compared with any of the other four really, he grew up with a strong sense of his social community and it helped instil a lot of compassion and resilience in his ability to love.

Sephiroth

Big yikes on this front. A walking talking advertisement for dysfunctional attachment and it would not surprise me in the least if he has some kind of attachment disorder as a leftover from a childhood which has probably left it's fair share of emotional scars. If I consult my Master timeline (and my attempts to make sense of Gast's timeline since he appears to have left Shinra on a fact finding mission around the time Sephiroth was born and left again for real this time two years before Aerith was born taking Ifalna with him), his first experiences of emotional connection are Hojo (yikes), Gast (who must come back sporadically from his fact finding between 1979 and 1983 so even before he dies when Sephiroth is four it's probably difficult to pinpoint as a positive attachment), Ifalna (here is where I get a little creative with canon but I do quite like the idea that if she did end up at Shinra before Gast left that he would have wanted to be like LOOK AN ANCIENT BABY and have her be like um no no that is not but also he was probably a toddler at the time and has no real strong recollection of her) and then SOLDIER. We know he served with adult SOLDIERs so I really doubt he connected in any strong way with them having had an extremely sheltered upbringing and oh yeah HE'S TWELVE. Man this one needs splitting up because it's Sephiroth.

So Enter Gen & Angeal when he's around 13, maybe closer to 14. What we know from Zack!Cloud and see from some of Zack's memories in CC, Sephiroth is not cruel but he is a hell a taskmaster and I think there's two big reasons why I put his connection with Angeal first. One, Angeal is a hard worker, he tries to do as much as he can and get himself out there and Sephiroth can respect that.Genesis on the other hand is talented, which...means he actually has to work hard at the things that don't come naturally to him for the first time and since he had the hero worship thing going on and Sephiroth was not social, they did not get along easily until they had a better understanding of each other. This is the same understanding that Gen gradually loses through degradation in canon, whereas Angeal and Sephiroth remain close-ish. Two, Angeal doesn't take anything personally and remains at a respectful distance, even when trying to connect. Sephiroth for his part was perplexed by his continual attention and has no idea what to make of it. It's only when Angeal is still doing it a few months down the line, when Gen has calmed down a little from his perceived slight, that they're able to forge stronger connections and I think there's a tandem effect with those two where Angeal is emotionally open and unobtrusive and Gen is not about to talk about anything emotional but he's physically affectionate. Most importantly of all, they aren't afraid of him, even the parts that a lot of other SOLDIERs may find disturbing, Angeal wants to just check in on and Genesis is mostly thinking 'meh, I could do that'. So ultimately, what would end up being his relationship with love is largely impacted by people who keep him at a distance or leave for a long time and then it's like a bus, you wait for one friend and two come along at once.

So then we have his concept of love being defined largely by friendship because his concept of it is so heavily defined by two people who were friends with each other and him first. The potential problem being that his world gets very wrapped up in only two people and as such, he's obsessive and possessive of them because it's all he has. Then Zack comes along and he's hyper affectionate, social, loving basically in a way he hasn't really had thrown at him and he doesn't fully know what to do with. To a degree, Cloud is easier – he's independent, prickly and does not get on with people which for him is relatable. Zack comes in like nothing he's ever experienced and the way he loves is so different that it's left him trying to figure out how he feels about this new kind of love coming into his life.

Angeal

Hands down a nurturer. It's all about putting his time and energy and heart into a relationship and letting whatever kind of love blooms happen naturally. While I don't think he forms connections easily, he tries to keep himself open and supportive of people around him and that lends itself to connecting with people. I do think he had a strong, loving role model in his parents (well, mother and stepfather, fuck you Hollander) and he had good relationships with them so he has some model by which to judge what love looks like. I also think canonly this is the thing he never really gets over losing, his mother and his connection to his parents.

I think Genesis has always been his great love story. They were, when they were a couple, one that would tell the story of how they met bit by bit until Angeal let Genesis take over telling it because he knows Gen never ever stops talking. I think it's one of the reasons they work well together – Angeal has the calm, quiet and cosy sort of love compared with Genesis who is passion and intensity 24/7. They balance each other out because Angeal does also try to push at his partners to behave, he will be passive aggressive or take small measures to try and correct things (a good example in 7s9s is that he will lock the liquor up knowing Genesis can break it but it's the fact he at least tried to get him to behave that helps him sleep at night) but ultimately, he is more passive as a person. When it was just the trio, Sephiroth added to some of the calm from Angeal but also more than matches Gen for obsessiveness. As things progress, Zack's casual nature adds to the calm but his excitement adds to the intensity and Cloud's introversion adds to the quiet but he's also a mouthy little shit.

One of the major things Angeal brings to the table is that his default setting is to care, same as Zack and that everyone at this table needs taking care of in some way. Cloud is obvious, he's struggling the most but he also feels that way with Zack because he can't completely separate the mentor-ship role even he tries to respect Zack as a First Class in his own right, Sephiroth has so few connections that being able to read him and react in a way as needed is extremely valuable and Genesis is just extremely responsive to the first instance of a seemingly unconditional love in his life and even if he would hate to admit it, loves that Angeal tries to take care of him. I think he's happiest when he can express how he feels to each person in turn in their own language and watch them respond.

Genesis

I think with Genesis there's a very large difference between his relationship with love and his relationship with romance. Romance is easy, he can be lyrical and affectionate and flirtatious at the drop of a hat but the emotion behind it being love is tricky at best. For some reason, I've always viewed him as someone who was a very clingy kid, who wanted parental attention constantly, was constantly seeking reassurance and often didn't get it. We know that Gen at that point was confined to Banora so I do think his parents would leave a decent amount when he was young and it's one of the reasons he latches on so hard when he meets Angeal. Angeal is not only present all the time but wants his attention and doesn't seem to mind that he chatters on and on. It's probably something to do with the idea if he keeps talking, he'll stay longer or trying to just fill silence because I think quiet disturbs him on some level because he's actually terrified of loneliness.

As he's gotten older and he turned out to be good at a few things, he got some of the loving responses he'd wanted but I also think as much as this reinforced the idea love is earned and you have to pay for it, a part of him from Angeal, from seeing his parents relationship with him covetously, knows that love can be unconditional but fears it's not so for him and probably spent a great deal of their early romantic relationship waiting for Angeal to realise and leave.

It's why his relationship with Sephiroth when they make the decision to expand the relationship to include him is initially categorised as casual, he can walk away any time and so can they, it's super casual, okay? Except I don't really think it was, it was just an out and then with Zack, he has no out. Zack is happening and it's love or bust. There's no out and then Zack does not seem that into making an effort and he is Not Happy about that. If you then contrast that to Cloud, who is incredibly responsive to his attentions but without demanding it. There's a lot of control on his end when it comes to his relationship with Cloud so it felt a lot less high stakes. Then Hojo happened and all of that went out the window because it was obvious how deep in he was at that point, he was willing to try and comfort Zack and keep him out of trouble, he was willing to care for Cloud in a way that isn't totally to his nature (if Angeal is the gardener, he's a very finicky plant – needs much attention and the right amount of everything to grow properly and will pretend to be dying if you miss a day) and show concern where he would usually rather jump off the plate headfirst than show emotions that vulnerable.

*This is your standard disclaimer that this only applies to how I see them in this verse, it's not applicable elsewhere but I might use examples from elsewhere to back up the point.

[kpopfanfictrash]

A Devil’s Tale

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Kai (Jongin)

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,762

Summary: When you make a deal with a devil, the bond is supposed to be unbreakable. Unless the devil himself takes pity, and chooses to change your bargain. 

“Stop doing that,” he grumbles, bent over his writing.

“Doing what?” you reply innocently enough from the bed.

Kai doesn’t look at you, though the furrow between his brows deepens. “I can feel you plotting,” he states. “I can feel you plotting and whatever it is – I’ll add ten years to your sentence, I swear I will.”

“Meanie,” you sigh, plopping down on his comforter. Since coming to this place, you’ve found yourself in a sort of half-life – able to levitate and hover at will, which can be fun. If only you weren’t, legally, considered dead. Kai is right, of course – you were planning on draining the ink from his wells while he slept, but he doesn’t need to know this. “How much time is it now?” you ask instead, drawing circles on the comforter.

“One billion,” he mutters, dotting the i.

“Lies.”

Kai looks up, the burgundy of his eyes startling. “I cannot lie to you,” he reminds pointedly, before going back to his notes.

Frowning, you cross your ankles on top on the comforter. “Yes,” you nod, “though you failed to specify which unit of measurement. Trickster.”

The tiniest of smiles flickers across his lips. “An oversight, I’m sure.”

“Sure.” Watching him a moment longer, you begin to grow bored. “Play with me,” you insist, scanning the room.

Kai lifts a brow. “Play?” he muses. “I know not the meaning to your word.”

“Play,” you nod, lifting up on your knees. “Like that one night, when you took out the chess board and I creamed your ass –”

“Shh,” Kai sputters, nearly dropping his quill. “That wasn’t supposed to happen. You’re not even supposed to even talk to me – fuck,” he groans, pushing a hand through his hair. “How did I get stuck with the most insubordinate, annoying charge in the entire Underworld?”

“Because you took my soul,” you remind him quietly, as though he’d forget.

Kai stares at you for a moment, uncertain what to say.

Looking down at his bedspread, you fiddle absently with the string. You remember the day as though it were yesterday, the day that you offered Kai your life. The entire world was burning, crashing down around you, while your brother kneeled at the feet of a predator. You were not a good person back then, and neither was he. He was caught in a gang, one where he began trading as a drug dealer. When your brother decided he wanted out though, when he tried to change and get clean – the gang kidnapped him, held for ransom.

A ransom sent to you, no less, though you had no money to speak of. You went to the drop regardless, even knowing you could not win. It was either that or let your brother die alone somewhere, and you couldn’t bear the thought of this second option. The pleas of mercy you made were laughed at and when you were thrown beside your brother, you became unbearably angry. Reckless enough to speak the very name you’d been taught not to say.

You swore out loud, calling upon the devil.

Kai stepped from thin air – he did so quietly, elegantly, as though opening a door. His suit was immaculate, dressed in head-to-toe black with a red handkerchief in the pocket. He gazed blankly at the surroundings, frozen entirely, before fixating on you.

“You rang?” he asked – Kai’s default tone was dry.

Fingers trembling, you nodded. Wiping away tears, you somehow managed to pull yourself together long enough to ask, “Save him.” Pointing at your brother, you begged, “Kill these men, save his life – I ask this of you.”

Kai’s eyes gleamed with interest, though he did not accept. “And in return?” he asked. “If I do this for you, if I kill these men, what will you offer me in turn?”

Swallowing, you struggled to respond. Kai stared, then took a small step forward. His presence was chilling, it broke into your bone. Humans tended to think of hell as this bright, burning place – a flame which consumes, boiling you alive. Hell is not this way. Hell is a cold and empty place – a freezing lack of anything: lack of love, friends, family. Hell is absence, is isolation; hell is hell, the lack of everything else.

When Kai touched your cheek, cradled your skin in his palm – you couldn’t help yourself, you shivered.

“What will you offer me,” he asked you, eyes soft. Kai’s gaze was a dark shade of red – bright, despite the ice in his touch. “You know who I am, do you not? You know you should run, do you not?”

You nodded, somewhat jerkily. “I will offer you my soul,” you whispered – and everything around you disappeared.

The world remade itself, your brother gone from view. Everything disappeared, as you reemerged in hell. To be fair, Kai seemed just as startled by your presence as you were. Stumbling, you tripped over his rug and fell flat on his bed – all while Kai stared, slack-jawed, in surprise.

“Lucifer’s glory,” he swore, stepping ever closer. “How did you get into my room?”

You didn’t know. Neither did he.

Each time Kai tried to lock you away, each time he tried to send you outside – it would fail. Most human souls stayed elsewhere, not with their devil. The place they stayed was not a bad place, actually – a bit cold, lonely, kind of like a gaming café. Though Kai tried to send you there as well, it never really stuck. The separation would last hours, days at the most, before you’d reappear on his bedspread.

Kai swallows, reminded of this. “Ah. Right,” he agrees, glancing down at his notes.

Pushing yourself upwards, you walk to his side and as you read over his shoulder, your eyes widen. “You’re behind on the quota,” you realize, alarmed. If Kai does not provide the Devil with a certain number of souls, he’ll be punished.

Kai quickly yanks the page away. “Y/N,” he growls, turning – with a swift wave of his hand, you’re frozen in place.

Only your eyes are still able to move, squinting angrily at him over the grip of his power. Kai rests his wrists on the table, ink held in one hand, paper in other. He’s filling out his quota right now, the number of souls he’s taken – and from what you can see here, the number is significantly less than the previous period. Somewhat worried by this, you pull your lower lip between your teeth.

Realizing this outward display of emotion, you force yourself to relax. It should be odd, the fact that you’re worried. Should be, since Kai is the entire reason you’re here but honestly, you’re not certain when you stopped being afraid. Kai is a devil, after all – not the devil, as he’s wont to correct – but a devil, a demon of hell who does the bidding of the Devil.

“How confusing,” you responded, when he said this. “Why just a devil, why is that different than the Devil?”

Kai shrugged, having never asked. This was about a week into your arrangement, and Kai still wasn’t sure how to act in your presence. “Less name confusion?” he supplied, quirking a lip. “Makes things simpler during introductions. Hello, I’m devil. Hello, so am I. Easier at parties and such,” he suggested – and you stared.

Only for a moment, before bursting out into laughter. You didn’t expect to laugh, in a place like this. The action made you confused, made you withdraw for the next couple days. Kai left you alone often, in his search for his souls. His absence gave you time to think, gave you time to explore.

Hell was lonely, or so Kai explained that first day.

It wasn’t lonely for you, though. Nor was it for him, since your arrival. Something about your deal tied you together, tied you in an entirely unprecedented way. You found this out on accident, while you were roaming the halls. Hell seemed to be an endless place, stretching on for eternity, hewn from the belly of the earth.

You left Kai’s chambers, dragging a hand over the damp, mildewed stone in the hall. While wandering, you found very few people – even fewer devils. Each time you passed one, you’d hide. You’d disappear around corners, suck in your breath until they passed – none of whom, it seemed, even looked your way and after a while of hiding, you grew used to it.

You wandered more brazenly, unblinkingly – you wandered for hours, until finding the room. This was an accident, though soon after you found it, you realized that nothing in hell is an accident. The door was plain, black metal and barred with wood. You nearly passed by, until something inside you stopped. A soft whispering emerged, turning your head to make you step closer.

The whispering was evil, like a prickle to the back of your neck, but your hand reached for the knob anyways. Something or someone, dragged you on – it called out for you to look, to know. Curiosity won you over, while your fingers closed tight around the handle.

To this day, you still can’t discuss what you saw.

The sight was horrible, gruesome and it – the thing – it wanted you. Rooting you firm, that thing held you senseless while you tried, and failed to move. Finally you screamed, voice unsteady – until suddenly, the door slammed shut between you.

Kai stood there panting, his stare colder than hell itself. “The fuck is wrong with you?” he seethed. “Must you try and get yourself killed, before I can even report you in my quota?”

Grabbing you by the wrist, Kai dragged you back to his room – sat you awkwardly on the edge of his bed, while searching his room for water. Kai moved about it roughly, muttering about nosy humans and where they could stick their enormously large egos – until you exhaled once, and looked up at him.

“How did you know?” you questioned, which made Kai pause.

“I,” he faltered, then frowned. “I heard you.”

It seemed you could communicate, both verbally and not. You could send him thoughts, requests, emotions. This is what you do now, letting Kai know you’re worried. His expression softens, lines of his face smoothing. For a being locked in eternal damnation, Kai certainly has a mouth for smiling – and perhaps, you wonder, for other things.

Thinking this makes you blush, and you retract the thought quickly. Those kinds of thoughts are not allowed, because they would not and cannot be returned. Your feelings for Kai are woefully human. You exist because Kai has no other choice. He keeps you alive because you are his. He cannot afford to lose you to Heaven – or worse, to Hell.

Kai looks at you now, feeling your worry. “Don’t be worried,” he chastises. His fingers hover over the paper, before smoothing it out. “I have a few more days to report my numbers.”

A few more days. Your hand moves, as though to touch him – before stopping yourself, thinking better. “Why so low?” you ask. It might be your imagination, but lately Kai seems to be hiding. Recently, he’s been distant and you can’t help but feel like you’ve done something wrong.

He leans back in his chair, gaze terse. “Perhaps,” he muses, “my numbers are so low thanks to a certain, annoying soul who won’t let me work.”

Huffing under your breath, you turn. Kai’s room is small but cozy – an odd thing to say about the middle of hell. The walls are stone, indents filled with mismatched collections of lamps and candles. Below these are bookshelves, filled with books from every century imaginable, all deemed too inflammatory for human consumption.

Running a finger down a spine, you look over your shoulder. “Why was this banned?” you ask, pulling out the volume.

“Ah,” Kai blinks. “The Decameron, published in the 14th century by Giovanni Boccaccio. It’s a collection of short stories, some of which were quite explicit – sexually,” he adds, watching your expression.

“Oh,” you blurt, looking at the cover.

Kai chuckles, setting his quill aside. He stands, walking closer and when he reaches your side he gently opens a page. “The collection was written during the plague. Humanity thought God had forsaken the world, and there is much comedy at the expense of religion and authority. This was one of the reasons it was banned. Another was Boccaccio’s liberal view of sex, and the nature of it. This idea was also not accepted at his time.”

Staring down at his fingers, lying flat on the page, it’s a struggle to control your racing heartbeat.

“It’s a masterpiece,” Kai admits quietly, before drawing away.

He returns to his desk, as you’re suddenly filled with the need to continue. “Kai,” you start, uncertain what to say.

He stops, looks over his shoulder. “Yes?”

You gently set the book to the side. “Would you recite me something,” you ask. “From the book.”

This is something Kai does on occasion, when he’s bored enough or in high spirits. He chooses passages you love, ones to capture your heart, not only your soul. Kai hesitates, halfway to his desk – his gaze roams your face, before he materializes before you. It’s startling when he does this – you nearly flinch, at the proximity of his frame.

“To have compassion,” he murmurs. “To have compassion for those who suffer is a human quality, which everyone should possess.” Kai’s voice is velvet, softening the words. “Especially those who have required comfort in the past, and have managed to find it in others.”

The silence which follows, is longer than most. “Is this something you feel,” you whisper, too scared to be loud. “Compassion, for others?”

Kai pauses. He merely looks, as though deciding how to answer. “I am not human,” he responds, though this doesn’t answer the question.

Somehow emboldened by this, you press on. “Hell is loneliness. Hell is punishment, solitude – so why, then, am I bound to you? What force keeps us together like this?” Taking a small, hesitant step – you notice Kai does not push you away. “Why do I see things? Thoughts in your eyes, words in your movements. You care – care for me," you clarify, watching his gaze.

Kai’s eyes are dark and strange – beautiful, in their own way. Like Kai himself, who is dark and alien; trapped in a form that’s both beautiful and strange.

Kai’s expression then shutters. “I do not care for you,” he responds. “I cannot care."

“Is that so?” you ask, voice quiet.

In his space between words, there is screaming. Kai stares, wonders how you do not know. How you do not hear. Ever since he met you, he's been falling. It seems wholly impossible, that his heart should beat within his cavernous chest – but somehow, it manages to beat for you.

The moment he saw you like that, half-kneeling in the alley, bloodied form covering your brother – he should have known you’d be his doom. Something inside him stirred at the sight, sang in his veins and Kai felt himself shift, when you looked his way.

He accepted the bargain, while secretly wishing he hadn’t. He tried to scare you away, tried to frighten you – because he did not want to take your soul that day. Had Kai not accepted, both you and your brother would have died. This idea seemed distasteful at the time, which is why Kai accepted your offer.

Since that day though, he's felt himself cracking. Before he was a creature of stone, and now he’s so fissured and fractured, he barely recognizes himself. He’s broken by the words that you speak, the way that you look at him. You look at him as though you understand, as though you see him and what you see is so much more than what Kai truly is.

Before, Kai never gave much thought to his existence. He never cared much what he was, nor if he could improve. You make him ask, make him wonder. And now you're standing before him, asking if he cares.

Of course he does. His entire body aches from the weight of it, splinters at the seams, because Kai has never felt so alive, nor so horribly wretched. Before, Kai never felt he was damned. Before, Kai never felt anything at all.

The weight of it tears him apart. Devils aren’t built for such things, Kai wasn’t built for such things; for a burning, yearning need for you. He wants to see you alive, wants you freed – but the idea of being without you is equally as painful. And so, Kai lifts his hand to trace gingerly down the side of your neck.

"I do not care," he repeats, though it’s hardly audible.

You hear him. Watch him swallow, the noise loud in otherwise silence. Kai hears your heart beat in turn, listens to the rapid thud-thud within your chest and hears your pulse quicken, when he slowly bends his head.

The kiss is an experiment.

A press of his lips, a brush of your soul – until Kai gasps, drowning as the flame within him ignites. He kisses you harder – heatedly, hurriedly, as though he can’t waste time with breath. Your lips are his mirror, just as eager while he pushes you up and against the wall. Kai’s hands skim your waist, lifting your shirt – and you suck in a breath, when his cold hands find your waist.

“Kai,” you groan, though he’s already moving. His lips brush your cheeks, your temple – his hands encircle your wrists, cage you to the wall. A whimper leaves your throat, when you feel him, hard, between your legs. Ready and wanting and god – you nearly lose it, at the thought of him inside you.

Gasping his name, the sound is so choked it almost doesn’t sound like him and when he hears this – hears you – Kai forces himself to stop. His hands on yours tighten, chest heaving as he somehow pulls himself together. Hovering over, he kisses you again – this time gentle, this time soft. As you fight to catch your breath, when you open your eyes – the expression staring back is shocking.

Kai’s eyes widen, glassy with fear. "I," he inhales, shuddering. "No, don't – don’t speak."

Shutting your mouth, you return to quietly staring.

“I’m a liar.” Kai stops, licking his lips. “Not in the literal sense of the word, but in who I am – at my core. I’m a liar, a sinner, damned. I used to not know what such words meant. I don’t know if I’ll remember them, after. I spent a long time,” he confesses, hardly more than a whisper, “staring into the eyes of the broken. I saw humans at their worst – heard them beg, plead, scream with me for mercy. I never felt pity for them, since I could not understand what it was.”

Searching his gaze, you slowly lift a hand. Your thumb draws a crescent, from the curve of his ear across the slant of his lips. Kai’s skin is cold, smooth while his arms tighten around you.

“I,” he chokes, as you press yourself closer.

Holding him tightly, you close your own eyes as you try and piece him back together. Squeezing him softly, you seek to mold his frame to your own. To embrace his pain, and make it yours.

“I’m divided,” he confesses, into the strands of your hair. “My nature wants you captive but whatever soul I have left, it wants you alive.”

Breath catching on the words, you turn to shake your head at him. Such a thing is impossible – a deal with a devil, once made, is unbreakable.

Kai pulls back. “When I first saw you, I thought you were a punishment,” he admits, voice slightly hoarse. “I thought you were a test. I still think you might be,” he whispers, bending his forehead to yours. Hands cupping your jaw, he holds your face between palms, “though I am no longer sure of the meaning. All I know now is that I feel, I care – and because of this, I can no longer keep you with me.”

Your eyes fly open, abject with horror. “Kai,” you blurt. Struggling to move, you find his grip is too tight, or perhaps it’s that he’s frozen you once more.

Kai’s chest rises and falls. “I want you to stay,” he pleads with you, voice breaking. “I want you to stay with me, but more than that, I want you to be free. I want you to live, want to give you heaven – not hell. Not this.”

“No,” you whimper, trying to pry free. “No, Kai – listen,” you pant, “you don’t understand.”

Gently, he smiles at you. “What do I not understand?” Kai’s voice is hollow, gaze stark with sadness, as though already haunted by the decision he’s made.

“You want to save me?” Fear becoming anger, you twist in his grasp. “You want to keep me from hell? Hell is loneliness,” you repeat, echoing his words. “Hell is the absence of love, and if I’m surrounded by a billion people on earth – if you’re not one of them, it will be hell.”

Hearing you say this, Kai’s eyes brim with tears – the first he’s ever felt such emotion. The sight of it is shocking, sliding down his cheeks. Kai does not give in to it though, gently removing his hands from your face. “I love you,” he responds, momentarily stilling. “Goodbye.”

It happens all of a sudden. You disappear without a word, leaving Kai alone in the dark. He stares at the spot you once stood, before white descends from all sides.

You don’t remember him in your next life.

You don’t remember the devil who gave back your soul. All you remember is a vague sort of yearning; this unspoken reach for something you’ve never had. All your life you’re looking over your shoulder, constantly feeling as though you’ve forgotten.

Nothing sparks a memory though, nothing brings relief – not until your eyes open again, for the very first time. You lived a better life. A life inspired by the memory of a person you know not the name. 

The air is muddled and when you step through the door, your find your feet do not echo on pavement. There’s a river nearby, it’s sides curling with mist and when you bend down for a drink, it all comes rushing back. It all returns in a harried storm of emotion and as you wipe your lips clean on the back of your hand – your eyes look up and you freeze. There’s someone standing there, on the bank of the river. 

He wasn’t there before. Or maybe he was, and you just couldn’t see.

Kai is motionless – he looks the same, but also not. Behind him drip wings of white feathers which caress golden skin and ruby eyes. An angel. You were a test – a test to save him, not damn him. Plunging into the stream, you nearly slip several times as you cross and when you finally reach his side, you fling yourself into his arms. You’re uncertain whose tears are falling, just that they fall hard and fast, burning your cheeks.

“It’s you,” you whisper, touching his mouth with your hands. As you push hair away from his face, it’s hard to stop trembling from happiness. “You’re here.”

Kai cannot speak, though he encircles you with his body, his wings. He lets you know that now, you need never be parted again.

Author’s Note: Happy birthday, to the Devil ;)

© kpopfanfictrash, 2018. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[creationsincarnate]

ok I'm usually not this lazy but that's a long ass post so count by fives and give me what comes out of that

You’re asking for a novel missy.

Gif slightly applies as I attempt this challenge. Also gives me a chance to test out Elfo as a mun FC (as I have learned I am very much like Elfo clueless wise.)

005. Are they in good health?

Generally, yes. Specifics depend on the verse. ex. In verse 2 she’s still recovering from slashes to her back made by a beast god and it can hurt from time to time because she never gave herself enough time to heal, but in the 1st that hasn’t happened yet and she doesn’t have any injuries.

10. Do they believe in love at first sight?

No she doesn’t. This is partially because she doesn’t look for it, and also partially because she’s read enough stories (especially Shakespeare) where love at first sight ended horribly but love developed from conversation worked out far better. 

015. Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue?

Most likely to win with her tongue and use it in the first verse, but in the 2nd and 3rd if she’s very upset she’s likely to throw hands as well.

I’m actually going to write a letter from Snow to her mother for my creative writing class that focuses on this, where she’s wound up in the past, she’s confused, she’s angry, and one of the few things she’s damn sure about is Thor is at fault somewhere and she will punch him in the face. She knows he’s not someone to piss off and could demolish her, but this is a case where her anger is winning out and patience is too thin to care, and she is determined to find Thor somewhere and sucker punch him.

The following letter will be how she finally managed it, and how now she’s in hiding with a teenage Loki cause teenage Thor is pissed and Loki is finding the fact that she slugged Thor in the jaw and near broke her hand upon FIRST MEETING too hilarious to let her die before he can convince Thor to talk to Frigga for the reason. She relates to her mother that it was a very bad idea. She feels better now though.

020. What are their hobbies?

Her dogs really, or at least researching ways to better care for them and finding fun DIY things that are safe and could turn out well, like making peanut butter filled chew toys and such or comfy beds. Same with Mythology, she loves researching in general, but mythology is a big draw for her. She usually leans on singing though since she has more access to being able to hum when bored or thinking in most cases rather than researching stuff.

025. What do they consider beautiful in others personality-wise?

Patience and Forgiveness. In her first verse she works really hard to live up to these values, but she finds it almost impossibly difficult. This is due to anger with the gods and being hesitant to forgive or hold patience with them and instead regulates her patience to being strictly for Huanglong. The baby dragon gets into antics.  She admires people who can still retain their patience or display forgiveness to others, especially those who wronged them. When she can practice it less she especially admires it.

030. Do they believe in the afterlife?

She‘s visited the immortal realm which holds all afterlives, so yes she knows she’s going somewhere after everything.

035. What is the most important rule your character lives by?

Protect her loved ones above all else. If it ever comes down to a stranger, the world, or her parents/Huanglong/her friends, she’d choose the last every time. It’s the only reason she’s still putting up with the gods, because she knows her family and friends are at stake otherwise.

040. What is their obsession?

She’s obsessed with the show Galavant. She will pick and choose songs from it that somewhat fit her situations if she needs stress relief and just start singing. Not sure if I wanna place the book as just after the 1st season finishes or the 2nd.

045. Does your character have any chronic medical conditions?

Not in the first verse, or really in the 2nd. She does develop anxiety during her journey though. This is usually tied to magic in general, despite her developing a dependency on it as well.

050. How does your character feel about their own mortality?

She knows it’s coming and she knows where she’ll be going afterwards, despite the fact that she doesn’t like it. She’s not thrilled about it and would prefer to have control over it, but she’s not terrified of it either.

055. Is your character an introvert or an extrovert?

Snow is an introvert, Huanglong is an extrovert. He is a very tiring little dragon to raise, especially since people don’t realize dragons ever really existed/technically still exist. And he wants everyone’s non-plastic jewelry and to talk them into letting him have it. Snow needs to intervene often.

060. What is your character’s attitude toward education and learning?

She advocates for it and even planned to become a teacher. She was one for a few years, but she eventually decided to open a bookstore instead since her dependents increased and renting and selling books made it easier for her to watch people she needed to and teach people about books at the same time/give them access to learning.

065. Is your character better at leading or following? Which do they prefer?

Following is preferred and Snow doesn’t really like leading. In the 3rd verse she starts getting better at it though as she is realizing she needs to lead herself rather than follow the whims of the gods and force them to help her take action to fix their mistakes.

070. What about your character is cowardly?

Probably her inability to let people go. If it puts her loved ones at risk she is very unlikely to let them do it, to the point where a death is planned in the book (occurs between 1st verse and 2nd verse here) that forces her to face this fear and learn to deal with it. Her response is to double down and further hide Huanglong for fear of losing him, which to others makes her look strong and protective to others but can also appear cowardly because she’s actively avoiding her duties because she’s afraid to entrust Huan’s safety to anyone else but also to scared to put him in danger with her. Her progress actually slows until she can manage to face this fear and realize she can protect Huan while also doing the dangerous job of tracking Loki that the gods sent her on in the first place.

075. Is your character ticklish?

She’ll deny it, but her feet are ticklish. Enough so you might get kicked if you try to tickle them cause it causes a pretty big physical reaction.

080. How easy is it for others to read your character’s emotions?

Easy in the first verse, but not very easy in the 2nd and 3rd as she becomes incredibly guarded. She has some acting training and that training was made into a mask in those verses to avoid people trying to manipulate her. If people aren’t sure how you’re actually responding, its more difficult for them to play you for a fool.

085. Describe your character in three words.

Disgruntled Dragon Mom.

090. How bodily expressive is your character?

Depends on where she is emotionally. The higher the emotion, the more she moves. Her default is not much though, maybe a hand wave, weight shift, or small arm movement but nothing exaggerated.

095. Name three things most would not expect your character to be able to do.

Shoot a gun. Snow hates loud noises, almost as much as a dog or cat (she’s not a fan of fourth of july fireworks), so most people wouldn’t expect her to be willing to put something that makes a loud noise anywhere near her own ears. They’d be right, she is generally unwilling, but she has had firearm training courtesy of her grandpa. While she prefers throwing knives like her grandma taught her, she is completely capable of grabbing someones gun and shooting someone down as well. “An Aruson never misses” is her matrilineal family motto, and Snow covered all her bases.

Ride a horse. She’s not an expert, but she was raised riding horses so she developed this skill since childhood (guns were when she was a teen). Most people don’t peg her as a horse person because she lives in an apartment in a rural area, dresses in more of a biker chic manner, and likes combat boots rather than horse riding ones. Most are surprised when they learn she actually owns a horse of her own and knows how to ride her in the western style or race barrels with her mare. 

Speak Norwegian, if only conversationally and mostly with slang. She’s not an expert, and any Norwegian native would realize it’s not her first language and be able to talk circles around her, but she could survive for a while with only minimal help from locals if dropped in the country. This is again because of her grandparents, as they’re Norwegian immigrants and spoke their native language around her fairly often from an early age. Her mother is bilingual (spoke Norwegian at home, English everywhere else) but her father only speaks English, so her mother usually regulated speaking Norwegian to muttering, exasperation, when grandparents visited, or not directly talking to Snow or her father. This didn’t let Snow be surrounded by the language like her mother was, so she didn’t pick up on it as completely as her mother. She has the Northern Norwegian accent down though.

100. Does your character dream? If so, what do they dream about?

Sometimes. Mostly about very mundane things, like running late for school, going through a day, etc. before waking up. Recently she’s had a lot of hiking dreams or dreams about trying to sort Huan’s growing horde and the baby dragon just keeps throwing new stuff at her at random with no regard for her attempt at organization.

[macabrecabra]

if youre still on the hunt for non-McCree prompts, what about reaper, widow, and sombra goofing around like siblings? (i know sombra being like reapers kid is a popular headcanon but i love the idea of the 3 of them being like siblings)

Always on the hunt c: I changed this from siblings to more like friends as it was easier to write than straight family feels c:

....I might write a sequel based on who gets picked as the winner. if I get a few votes, I’ll post this to Ao3 with the winner being chapter two c:

Here is some Talon shenanigans for you!

For anon!Title: Birds of aFeather Rating: PG-13Relationship: The Talon trio justchillingON the field, they were a trio of killers.Cold-hearted assassins that took every task head on and withoutmercy. They were the faces of the enemy, the picture of cunning,deception, and death all in one.

They were nothing like that off thefield.

Off the field the need to keep up appearances faded andas soon as they were back at base, the uniforms were shed and thecasual wear was donned as they began to “debrief” in the only waythey knew how.Sombra stretched out on the couch, her feet inReaper's lap as the mercenary sagged down, legs out stretched infront of him, wearing nothing but a pair of flannel sleep pants andblack monster-footed slippers. Beside him Widowmaker sat, balled upin a robe up to her nose, a cup of hot coffee held between her hands.The three of them looked more like a trio of college students afterfinals just relaxing and more than thankful for a break with old TVre-runs playing in he background. It was more or less whitenoise. None of them were really watching as much as just lettingtheir minds astral project to some other place. Still, it was timeslike this Sombra couldn't help but grin at her companions and want tomaybe stir up a little conversation. Idly she edged her toeto nudge Reaper's thigh lightly, jerking the mercenary's attention toher. She couldn't see his face, he still wore that mask even when theywere relaxing, but she could practically feel the eyebrow he wasraising.“So, what did you think of those Overwatch agents?”She asked lightly, “Personally I thought they were busier yellingat each other than actually getting at us,”“Overlyemotional,” Widowmaker commented although her reply was muffled bythe robe, “Living in the past and convinced we are going to havechanges of heart,”“Idiots,” Reaper put in, folding hisarms over his chest. He didn't elaborate what about themexactly made them idiots but that was typical of Reaper to statethings like fact and just assume everyone agreed with him and couldread his mind. Sombra merely chuckled a bit and continued to nudge histhigh with her foot, “Not as good a team as us,”“Debatablereally,” Widowmaker paused to blow on her coffee some, “Wehaven't had a terribly good record of late,”“Oh please!You aren't still sore about that whole Russian thing with the hit?You did your best Widow,” Sombra commented, sitting up a bit, “AndReaper destroyed a robot all on his own which was prettybadass,”Reaper let out a snort, “Would have been betterif we had a victory,”

Sombra huffed and moved to plant herhands on Reaper's legs, leaning in to eye up her two companions,“Yeah but the mission after that we owned and this past one weowned. Did you see how I tripped up that ninja?” She gave a widecheeky grin, “Had him practically tap-dancing all over himself offthe edge of the building! Oh I would have loved to see the expressionon his face under that visor,”

“I'm sure it would have beensomething to see. Probably the same expression Tracer had beenwearing,” Widowmaker commented before taking a drink of hercoffee.“Ah yes, the face of betrayal at thinking that theenemy shouldn't be so mean to them,” Sombra laughed, “When arethey going to figure out the two of you aren't going to have a changeof heart?”“When the are all dead,” Reaper growled out,“That's when,”Sombra chuckled and raised a finger to boopReaper's mask earning a slight growl from him, “Awww! I thinkyou would miss them if you killed them. I think that is the reason youdon't pull the trigger so quickly on them,”“Do not,”Reaper retorted, lifting a hand to knock hers away, “I want themdead,”“Sure you do. I dropped that little cyborg ninjaright into your lap and all you did was stare at him, holding himlike you weren't sure what to do,” Sombra teased.“He wasrather surprised,” Widowmaker added, a ghost of a smile grossingher lips, “But in the end he did just end up dropping him on thefloor,”Reaper hunched his shoulders some, his posturebecoming more defensive, “I shot at him,”“You gave himtime to run and you didn't aim for that round target of an ass hehas. Seriously, he might as well put a bull eyes on it, right Widow?”Sombra asked, looking over at at the sniper.“Between hisass, Tracer's jumpsuit, and the various glowing accents of theOverwatch uniforms, it is very hard not to shoot one of them. McCreeis honestly the most low key of them all,” the sniper drawled.“Andisn't that fucking irony,” Reaper grumbled.Sombra justchuckled and moved to sprawl over Reaper's lap and halfway ontoWidowmaker's as well, stretching out some, “But I bet they at leastcan go out and do things together without being hunted. We can't evengo to a coffee shop together without the news media showing up two seconds later,”“I would prefer to stay in. Plenty to dohere,” Widowmaker answered with a shrug.Reaper just gave agrunt of agreement that had Sombra pouting some, “You two areboring, that's what? I mean, can't we at least do something fun? Avideo game? Watch a movie?” She paused before giving a wide grin,“A threesome orgy?”

Widowmaker paused in taking a sip of herdrink arching a slight eyebrow, “I don't think we require that kindof team bonding,”

“I say we might require a whole lotof that team bonding,” Sombra returned cheekily, “Didn't theancient Greeks do something like that to make their soldiers fightbetter?”“Only the gay lovers,”Reaper murmured out, “Itwas gay men,”“Well it would be a very gay orgy I mean,you are bisexual aren't you Reaper?” she paused,pursing her lips asher brow furrowed, “At least I think that I what you told me whenyou were drunk,”Widowmaker chuckled softly, “That's arare occurrence,”“It was a rough mission and Sombrathought she could out drink me,” Reaper grumbled although he didn'tclarify Sombra's question, sinking down more in the couch, “Why don'twe just get drunk and call that a bonding exercise?”“I'llpass. I don't really enjoy hangovers,”Widowmaker drawled.“Alsono more booze. Someone drank it all. Those rat minions we get saddledwith always seem to get first dibs,” Sombra grumbled, nestlingherself to lean up against Reaper's chest comfortably, “So whatabout a movie?”

Widowmaker tilted her headthoughtfully, “Perhaps we could do that. What kind though?”“Nocomedy movies. They are all bullshit these days,” Reapergrumbled.Sombra sat up some,looking between her twocompanions, “How about we watch Titanic and the first person whocries has to do a dare?”“That's not really fair to youtwo, now is it? Besides, Reaper wears a mask, how will we know if hecries?” Widowmaker asked.“I don't cry,” Reaper growledout, crossing his arms, “Especially not about that stupid movie. Youare going to lose by default Sombra,”Sombra snorted,”Fine then,weare going to watch a marathon of sad movies until one of you cracks.I'm not about to shed a single tear!”“Fine then. If I win,both of you must confess affections to an Overwatch agent and convince them that you actually do like them. Then drop them,”Widowmaker stated.

“Not happening,”Reaper sneered,“When I win, both of you are going to have to be wearing something even more embarrassing then you are now and cause the enemy to just stare in confusion,”

“You are both wrong because I'm goingto win and as such I will get my happy threesome with both of youhaving to wear little collars saying you are my bitches,” Sombradeclared with a smirk.Reaper and Widowmaker went quiet andshared a look with each other before Widowmaker let out a snort and aroll of her eyes, “Sure Sombra. Whatever you say. Never going tohappen,”Sombra gave a slight huff as she rose to her feetand went to gather up the saddest movies she could find, shootingthem a look over her shoulder,”You'll be regretting those wordslater when I win,”“Keep telling yourself that Sombra,”Reaper drawled, leaning back in his seat.

The contest was now on.

[erraticfairy]

5 Ways to Calm Your Mind Without Meditation

“Calm your mind. Life becomes much easier when you keep your mind at peace” — Unknown

Let me start with a confession.

If I’m honest with you, even just writing these words actually makes me feel kind of uncomfortable.

But I’m going to say it because it’s true, and some of you reading this are going to realize that on some level you probably share the same feeling.

I hate meditation.

Now, let me do the obligatory defend-the-shocking-thing-I-just-said.

I mean, to be more specific, some days I hate meditation.

Most of the time, I love it. I really love it. It’s had the most positive influence of anything in my entire life. But so have my family, and some days… just joking. Look, normally meditation makes me feel on top of the world. I’m bursting with gratitude, and even the idea of stress can seem to be so far away.

But on other days, I do also kind of hate it. Actually, hate is too strong, let me say I really dislike it. I’m sure some of you can relate.

But there’s a reason we feel this way at times: exhaustion.

About six months ago, my meditation practice had been going well. I was feeling incredibly content, just with life in general. But after a couple of weeks of travel, difficulties with work, and family commitments, I found myself tired, very tired. And my mind started racing a lot more than it had been.

Mentally, I felt like I had lost my inner calm. Like I’d taken one step forward and two steps back.

So I tried to do what always do. Meditate.

But for a couple of weeks, I was approaching the practice with completely the wrong attitude. I started trying to use meditation as my medication, and it had the opposite intended effect. It just wouldn’t work! I actually started to get completely annoyed with the whole thing.

So I tried harder, and harder, and harder. Every day I would sit down to meditate, only to leave the session feeling even more tired than when I had started.

It was at this point that I decided to shift my focus to other ways to calm my mind, at least until I had more energy.

And I realized a few very important things.

Firstly, I realized that I truly am in love with meditation. Even when I ‘hated’ it, I still wanted to practice consistently, and followed through with it.

But I also understood that in times of stress, we can sometimes start to resent things we love. I understood that although I’ve barely missed a day of meditation in the last couple of years, I’m still a human being in a human body and I’m going to have days where I feel like I’m back where I started.

I also came to realize that a calm mind is a focused mind, and a tired mind doesn’t have the resources to stay focused.

It’s an unfortunate reality of the human brain that the more fatigued we are, the more our thoughts start to race. Anxiety and tiredness work on a feedback loop. So when you’re struggling with one, it’s inevitable that you’re going to have problems with the other.

While meditation is the most effective way to calm your mind, it’s not an option when you’re incredibly tired! There is another way to do this, which is by doing things that naturally focus your mind outside of yourself and guide your brain to release calming neurochemicals.

The following five ways to calm your mind don’t require as much mental energy as meditation. And in the short term, they have the same effect on our mood.

1. Do Something Complex (But Not Too Difficult).

The default mode network (DMN) is the part of the brain that is associated with reflections about yourself. Thoughts like: “Why do I feel lazy today?” “Should I text John back now or later?” “I’m starting to get hungry, maybe I should get a snack.” Meditation researchers call this “mind-wandering.” It takes up a huge portion of our waking life.

When we’re tired or anxious, our minds wander more than usual, which makes us more tired and anxious.

There are two commonly used ways we can consistently quiet the DMN. The first is meditation; the second is engaging in a complex task. (In fact, mindfulness coloring books are effective because of task complexity as well mindfulness.)

You can pick something you regularly do, like drawing, sports, creative writing, or a work project and just increase the difficulty slightly. With drawing, for example, you can try and draw something that is more of a challenge, or with a sports or writing, you can try setting a timer and complete a task in a limited time period.

2. Do Something for Someone Else.

This is another way we can get out of our own heads when exhaustion starts to set in. Obviously, you don’t want to do anything too strenuous, but even doing simple things, when focusing on others, can quiet a racing mind.

You can make it a habit to contact someone that you feel may need it, or you can spend some time volunteering or building something that you think can help others. Focusing on the well-being of the community can also give us purpose and meaning, which can be very reinvigorating.

3. Do Something Fun and Creative.

When we are trying too hard to feel better all the effort can defeat the purpose and be kind of damaging. Doing something fun can help us break the cycle. This is because dopamine has a re-energizing effect on the nervous system and by engaging in play and creativity, we recharge our depleted energy reserves.

Sometimes for example, I like to do free-writing mind maps. Essentially you set a timer for fifteen minutes and just let all your thoughts out on paper, and create mind maps for how they relate to each other. You can do this as a mindfulness exercise or just to express any creative ideas you have. This helps you feel like your thoughts are organized and focused and not scattered and distracted.

Trying to do anything artistic like painting, origami, or even lego (if you have kids) can also be effective. Fortunately, YouTube has millions of tutorials if you want to learn something new.

4. Get Some Exercise and Take a Long Sleep.

Exercise may seem counter-productive when you’re tired, but when we’re mentally exhausted, it can sometimes start to mess with our sleep. This varies slightly depending on each individual, but is largely because exhaustion and anxiety impact our ability to wind down before bed, which is a critical part of good quality sleep. Unconscious worries can also wake us in the night and stop us from getting into the deep states we need.

By exercising, eating a big and healthy meal, and taking a long sleep, you can get the restorative effects that you need. This isn’t an invitation to oversleep, but if it’s been a while since you got some deep rest, it could be exactly what you need. It’s also useful to create a pre-sleep ritual that involves calming down and not looking at any screens for two to three hours before sleeping.

5. Do Something Social.

This goes for introverts as well as extroverts. It’s a common belief that introverts are drained by social interactions, but typically this is only when interacting with people they’re not comfortable with.

If you’re an introvert, make the effort be social with someone who you always have fun with. When we’re engaged in a social situation that is fun, and not anxiety-inducing, we naturally get out of our own heads and begin to recharge our batteries.

Meditation is great for calming our minds, and while you should keep trying to meditate even through rough periods, it can be good to have some short-term solutions to help you get your energy back.

Have you ever felt this way with meditation? How else have you tried to quieten your mind? Let us know in the comments!

This post is courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2Fzx1ga via theshiningmind.com

[sarahburness]

5 Ways to Calm Your Mind When You’re Exhausted (Without Meditation)

“Calm your mind. Life becomes much easier when you keep your mind at peace.” ~Unknown

Let me start with a confession.

If I’m honest with you, even just writing these words actually makes me feel kind of uncomfortable.

But I’m going to say it because it’s true, and some of you reading this are going to realize that on some level you probably share the same feeling.

I hate meditation.

Now, let me do the obligatory defend-the-shocking-thing-I-just-said.

I mean, to be more specific, some days I hate meditation.

Most of the time, I love it. I really love it. It’s had the most positive influence of anything in my entire life. But so have my family, and some days… just joking. Look, normally meditation makes me feel on top of the world. I’m bursting with gratitude, and even the idea of stress can seem to be so far away.

But on other days, I do also kind of hate it. Actually, hate is too strong, let me say I really dislike it. I’m sure some of you can relate.

But there’s a reason we feel this way at times: exhaustion.

About six months ago, my meditation practice had been going well. I was feeling incredibly content, just with life in general. But after a couple of weeks of travel, difficulties with work, and family commitments, I found myself tired, very tired. And my mind started racing a lot more than it had been.

Mentally, I felt like I had lost my inner calm. Like I’d taken one step forward and two steps back.

So I tried to do what always do. Meditate.

But for a couple of weeks, I was approaching the practice with completely the wrong attitude. I started trying to use meditation as my medication, and it had the opposite intended effect. It just wouldn’t work! I actually started to get completely annoyed with the whole thing.

So I tried harder, and harder, and harder. Every day I would sit down to meditate, only to leave the session feeling even more tired than when I had started.

It was at this point that I decided to shift my focus to other ways to calm my mind, at least until I had more energy.

And I realized a few very important things.

Firstly, I realized that I truly am in love with meditation. Even when I ‘hated’ it, I still wanted to practice consistently, and followed through with it.

But I also understood that in times of stress, we can sometimes start to resent things we love. I understood that although I’ve barely missed a day of meditation in the last couple of years, I’m still a human being in a human body and I’m going to have days where I feel like I’m back where I started.

I also came to realize that a calm mind is a focused mind, and a tired mind doesn’t have the resources to stay focused.

It’s an unfortunate reality of the human brain that the more fatigued we are, the more our thoughts start to race. Anxiety and tiredness work on a feedback loop. So when you’re struggling with one, it's inevitable that you’re going to have problems with the other.

While meditation is the most effective way to do this, it’s not an option when we’re incredibly tired! There is another way to do this, which is by doing things that naturally focus your mind outside of ourselves, and guide our brain to release calming neurochemicals.

The following five ways to calm your mind don’t require as much mental energy as meditation. And in the short term, they have the same effect on our mood.

1. Do something complex (but not too difficult).

The default mode network (DMN) is the part of the brain that is associated with reflections about yourself. Though like; “Why do I feel lazy today?” “Should I text John back now or later?” “I’m starting to get hungry, maybe I should get a snack.” Meditation researchers call this “mind-wandering” and it takes up a huge portion of our waking life.

When we’re tired or anxious, our minds wander more than usual, which makes us more tired and anxious.

There are two commonly used ways we can consistently quiet the DMN. The first is meditation; the second is engaging in a complex task. (In fact, mindfulness coloring books are effective because of task complexity as well mindfulness.)

You can pick something you regularly do, like drawing, sports, creative writing, or a work project and just increase the difficulty slightly. With drawing, for example, you can try and draw something that is more of a challenge, or with a sports or writing, you can try setting a timer and complete a task in a limited time period.

2. Do something for someone else.

This is another way we can get out of our own heads when exhaustion starts to set in. Obviously, you don’t want to do anything too strenuous, but even doing simple things, when focusing on others, can quiet a racing mind.

You can make it a habit to contact someone that you feel may need it, or you can spend some time volunteering or building something that you think can help others. Focusing on the well-being of the community can also give us purpose and meaning, which can be very reinvigorating.

3. Do something fun and creative.

When we are trying too hard to ‘feel better’ all the effort can defeat the purpose and be kind of damaging. Doing something fun can help us break the cycle. This is because dopamine has a re-energizing effect on the nervous system and by engaging in play and creativity, we recharge our depleted energy reserves.

Sometimes for example, I like to do free-writing mind maps. Essentially you set a timer for fifteen minutes and just let all your thoughts out on paper, and create mind maps for how they relate to each other. You can do this as a mindfulness exercise or just to express any creative ideas you have. This helps you feel like your thoughts are organized and focused and not scattered and distracted.

Trying to do anything artistic like painting, origami, or even lego (if you have kids) can also be effective. Fortunately, YouTube has millions of tutorials if you want to learn something new.

4. Get some exercise and take a long sleep.

Exercise may seem counter-productive when you’re tired, but when we’re mentally exhausted, it can sometimes start to mess with our sleep. This varies slightly depending on each individual, but is largely because exhaustion and anxiety impact our ability to wind down before bed, which is a critical part of good quality sleep. Unconscious worries can also wake us in the night and stop us from getting into the deep states we need.

By exercising, eating a big and healthy meal, and taking a long sleep, you can get the restorative effects that you need. This isn’t an invitation to oversleep, but if it’s been a while since you got some deep rest, it could be exactly what you need. It’s also useful to create a pre-sleep ritual that involves calming down and not looking at any screens for two to three hours before sleeping.

5. Do something social.

This goes for introverts as well as extroverts. It’s a common belief that introverts are drained by social interactions, but typically this is only when interacting with people they’re not comfortable with.

If you’re an introvert, make the effort be social with someone who you always have fun with. When we’re engaged in a social situation that is fun, and not anxiety-inducing, we naturally get out of our own heads and begin to recharge our batteries.

Meditation is great for calming our minds, and while you should keep trying to meditate even through rough periods, it can be good to have some short-term solutions to help you get your energy back.

Have you ever felt this way with meditation? How else have you tried to quieten your mind? Let us know in the comments!

About Benjamin Fishel

Benjamin Fishel is a freelance writer, meditation practitioner, and the creator of the popular blog Project Monkey Mind. He's also currently studying his Masters in Applied Neuroscience. If you'd like to know how you can calm your mind using Modern Psychology and Eastern Spirituality, get his free cheatsheet 10 Hacks to Calm Your Monkey Mind (in 5 minutes or less).

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The post 5 Ways to Calm Your Mind When You’re Exhausted (Without Meditation) appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

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