#fulltilt | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

despodiamundare · 10 months ago

Text

Inspecting the Greatest Love

-names shall be placeholders to preserve anonymity-

Without a doubt I was immature when I met -Oakgirl-, Oakgirl being the one who I call my Greatest Love. I was young, just leaving high school. At that time, I was a theater-kid, and I had found myself at theater rehearsals with feelings for another girl, whom we shall call -Fplunch- cause she's not gonna be in the story for too much longer.

Fplunch was quiet, but seemed to have the same interests I did. Video games and the like. I have a particular memory of making eye contact with her as she reclined, and this incited my imagination fairly well at the time. But then entered Oakgirl. Stunningly beautiful, more so than Fplunch by a good mile. (not that beauty is the measure of quality in a person but it does help people feel attracted to each other) Shortly after we met Oakgirl had no trouble telling me she was interested. Nothing so heinously carnal at first, she merely wanted me to text her. I know I didn't at first. I said I would, but I didn't. I don't remember if this was because I was wanting to pursue Fplunch over Oakgirl, or if it was more a matter of self-confidence. You'd think, with a direct approach from such a young women as Oakgirl was, I would be ready and willing to connect with her. But I can't assume things to have been so simple. By that point in my life, I had already begun porn use and had had two girlfriends already, both of which I had not really managed to keep an erection for. Imagine that, 19 and completely lacking sexual confidence! I'm sure this feeling is much more common for our generations than the previous ones who lacked the tech to disassociate from reality so completely. Anyway...

Oakgirl was persistent. She hunted me down once or twice after high school, saying I should text her. So I did, and we went on a date. The first time I believe was at a playground by the school. I remember sitting by the swings, and she told me of the troubles in her life, and I told her mine. I don't remember how I felt afterwards, but I know we met again and again until one night in the parking lot of a bowling-alley arcade I leaned over to the passenger seat and kissed her, and then the two of us made out for several hours.

And I remember seeing her standing in front of the sunflowers in front of her house, not so long after, and me telling her I think I love you. I knew it was fast. I had said it quickly to the previous two I had spent time with. But she was wonderful and fun. It felt right. And she said it back. And then we dated each other for just under four years.

During that time we built a friendship strong enough to etch memories and feelings that will likely last the rest of our lives. Eight years have passed since I broke up with her -yes it was I who was the devil- and now she has told me she never forgot me. I never forgot her, although my feelings I believe ebbed away easier for me; which is a key component in the contemplation I've been doing, will get to that.

What are the qualities that make up a strong relationship? Is it something mostly universally, or do these qualities change based off of the people? Can our feelings be fully trusted?

You see, Oakgirl and I dated and traveled through life together. Our humor intertwined and in many ways we were inseparable. She made me laugh, I made her laugh. We made each other smile. We were each other's first true sexual experience (I had attempted before but first found success with her). We had fun and had excellent chemistry, but I would find myself bored sometimes. We had different interests, and I felt like I could not write and bounce ideas off of her. Writing was important to me before meeting her, but it became much more important during that time as I discovered dungeon mastering and writing for dnd players to interact with and explore the worlds I had found in my head. So there was this disconnect. Yet we were so close that, as we continued, marriage did not seem so far-fetched. Yet married at 22? It felt so fast, and with this disconnect between our passions I felt like I would not feel fully complete if I married her. How could I know myself? So, as my parents helped encourage me to attend an art school, I found myself diverting to one out-of-state. I found myself telling her I was leaving, and that I didn't think we should do long distance. I remember her beginning to cry. I remember beginning to cry myself. I remember wonder "Why the fuck are you doing this?" And I still did it. I remember thinking if her and I got along so well, maybe there was someone else who I would get along with in a similar or better way that would write with me.

And thus time passed. And I had several terribly disappointing relationships. Nothing lasting longer than a couple weeks. I was a mess than continued to become less stable and more self-absorbed. I don't remember having heart break over Oakgirl. I remember she called me a couple of months after I had left, and we talked. I don't remember how I felt talking to her, hearing her voice again, but I know i didn't reach out to her after that or attempt to get the bridge open. I left her. Fairly wholly.

And yet still, as time went on, I realized I had not left her. I never deleted the pictures of her and I. They were too beautiful. Goofy friends reveling in a pure love. I found myself speaking like her. My humor was still the blend she and I had forged. It was funny. We were freaking funny. So the comedy I brought to people were her and I. And after 2-3 years, my mom told me out of nowhere that Oakgirl was engaged. I didn't think to stop it. I didn't think to reach out to her and tell her I missed her and thought about her near every day. I decided she deserved better than me and figured she had found someone better. She's a smart lady.

But in actuality she hadn't. She had found someone who became quiet foul. And it was at the beginning of 2023, that they had a huge falling out. A grand argument. And here's what happened folks. I felt it. I was in my room and it felt like my soulmate had died. I hadn't talked to her in years, and I felt her pain. I wasn't sure what it was the night I felt the feeling, I didn't know it was her right away, but the next morning I made the connection and became worried something had happened to her, so I reached out. She had changed phones, she didn't have my number. So I assumed she really didn't think about me anymore. I cried pretty hard when she texted back "who is this?"

But I summoned my courage and told her who it was. And she responded saying thank you, and that she wanted me to know that she was always in my corner. From this I could feel that she was dismissing me in way. Selfishly I couldn't see the love in her message, just the feeling that I shouldn't talk with her anymore. So I engaged to fully remove her from my thoughts. By August I was doing a meditation to remember my life, and realized I had worked through my memories of late high school and early college without thinking about her! Amazing and terrible. At the time I felt somewhat relieved. Good that I should be moving on, yes?

But then the rest of 2023 happened. I fell into some revelations that had me praying more. I prayed for a sign or to talk with/interact with my partner in crime. I wasn't thinking it was going to be Oakgirl, but I hoped i could be shown someone similar. And then, about a week later, Oakgirl texted me at midnight. I didn't see her text until 6am. Unlike when she called me a few months after the break up, I was beside myself. I ran out of the house in an ecstatic panic. Oakgirl! She was there! What she had written was beautiful. She remembered more than I had. The emotions in her had been etched into her, as she had been with me. She had said she didn't want anything serious with me, but selfishly I didn't really comprehend that part as I read. It was hard to read what she wrote and think that she did not want a second chance. Especially after we began to text and we made plans to see each other for New Years.

We talked over the phone. She reiterated she did not want to start anything. She said the ball was in my court, I thought she meant about starting something but what I learned later is she had been referring to us sleeping together. Best not to assume folks.

We met. It was beautiful. It was awkward. I felt that same apprehension in staying committed to her. I felt the same joy of being in her presence and hearing her voice and wit. I felt the same disconnect in interests, and the joy in making her breakfast and making her laugh. So much had stayed. But indeed, things had changed. And after two nights she said she would not stay the third. She said it was because her dad wanted her back home, I believe her, but I also believe she could not be with me as I was. It may well be she can simply be with me no longer.

You may see it now folks. You may not, as you have not read what she has written. But, to put it plainly, I broke her heart and then vanished. And then, after she reached out to me to support me, I come calling asking for her to trust me again. This, when I have done so little to change who I am in the interim? Mayhaps I am being a little harsh on myself, but certainly some of this is true.

Dear folks, it has now been near a month since I saw her again for the first time in eight years. My dear, sweet memory is pocketed full of holes after years of being a stoner, and I can no longer remember the direct emotions of the joy and stress of being with her again. I can only remember remembering these feelings. She has cut me off. She said such beautiful things, even more than before, over text after we had parted ways again. In my desperation I asked why it was a no, she would not say and I am glad she did answer my question. This was not my place to pester her like this, you see. I told her my door is open, and she told me her door is just slightly ajar.

And here we are now. I have seen many things saying I must let go, the most prominent of these being her direct words. She has asked me to go live my life to the fullest, and to know that she will always be supporting me.

And how foolish do I feel? I still feel apprehension. I still am not sure I have that deep drive to bring her into my life, to charge after her and shower her with my energy. A man should have that drive if he is to pursue a woman, yes?

And yet... yet she lives in my bones and soul. She is there. She will always be there. I can let her fade. I can go on. But a part of me does not want to. A part of me wants to make it work. A part of me wants to fight for her. But a part of me also says I must focus on understanding and growing myself. And another part says I need not wait to be someone different I need merely accept I am the version of myself I want to be and go after what I want. And part of me does not want to go after her. And part of me does. And I feel so damned confused. And scared. Because most certainly after seeing her again I have become aware of how wonderful a thing we had was. Certainly it need not be unique, as in she and I can find new loves that give us something great again, but as I understand it now it is wholly unique still for the both of us. Still at the least for me.

I worry my apathy, my desire to not be with her, is part of the shadow I have not integrated. It is either something real that I don't want to accept because I want to be beholden to this great thing we had and still have some ghost of. Or it is that I really truly do love her and can not accept it out of fear. At times one seems true, at other times the other seems true. See how I cannot rely on my emotions? It appears I must just make a choice.

And part of me is scared to make the choice to ask for her hand again, because what if I become dissatisfied? The answer is that is exactly what happens when you choose someone. You choose someone to love and learn so well that you begin to hate them. That you become dissatisfied and wonder if they are really worth it. Then you hunker down and get real close to them and you ask them if they'll reforge with you, and if they do then that I believe is True Love. But I am not sure. Is there love that comes easy? Natural love that flows just like the wind? If anything, that was us for a good while. Now I just don't know.

I wonder sometimes if we all make decisions together. If we are all truly one. If we are all connected together in some deeply significant way, are our actions the same? Could it be that life on earth has seemed to get shitty around the time I left her because it was me leaving what was good in my life, and thus I was doing what we all did, for our actions are all tied together. Can my acceptance of the good be part of a chance for us all to turn this boat around and make a future of peace instead of war? Is it a little dramatic and silly that I take my thoughts this direction? Is it a little self-centered to think that giving that sweet girl my whole life may be part of saving the world?

probably. but we do live in a real crazy story.

I probably had a more defined thing I wanted to talk about at the beginning of this post but I think this is a good spot right now. Should the iron become hot i shall strike this blog again. Should any eyes stray this way and make it to this point I thank you for taking time out of your day to read my woes and troubles. Please feel free to comment and ask questions or tell me why Bionicle is better than Star Wars because it absolutely is and you can't change my mind on that.

Most certainly, have a wonderful day and a wonderful time. Don't forget to live life fully and do your best to make decisions you won't regret.

#love #relationship #journal #shadow work #anonymous #hope #grow #heal #forgiveness #human behaviour #oakgirl #lovers #lost love #fulltilt #introspection #choose wisely

0 notes

lewisclarkmate · 2 months ago

Text

Getting Full Tilt Pinball Running on 64 Bit Windows

So I'm sure a lot of people have nostalgia for 3D Pinball: Space Cadet right? You know the one:

Well you may also be aware that this is actually a demo for a game called Full Tilt Pinball. Full Tilt Pinball features 3 tables to play and the full boxed release has become a bit of a rarity. It's a real pain to find cheap:

Well there is an affordable way to get it and that comes in the form a different Maxis game called Marble Drop. Turns out the full retail version of Full Tilt Pinball is just on all copies of Marble Drop along with a demo for Full Tilt Pinball 2:

Now there is one issue with playing this on modern 64 Windows though - 64 bit windows no longer supports 16 bit applications. But you can get around this! There's a cracking bit of software out there called 'otvdm' and you can download it for free from Github: https://github.com/otya128/winevdm/releases

otvdm allows you to run 16 bit software. Just double click the otvdmw.exe and then it'll ask you to open an executable. Direct it at the setup.exe file for Full Tilt Pinball on your Marble Drop CD-ROM and it'll install the game.

With the game now installed all you need to do is run otvdmw.exe again and point it at the executables for the 3 tables in Full Tilt Pinball to play them. The advantage of playing the tables this way is that the games will save your high scores.

There is another method to run Full Tilt Pinball on 64 bit Windows that uses batch files. This was sorted by Federico Dossena and you can read about it here: https://fdossena.com/?p=fulltilt/index.md The only issue I've found with this method is that it only makes the game run and won't save your high scores which is a bit of a shame.

I just wanted to share my method because I like being able to play on modern hardware using a CD-ROM I could source cheaply that maintains the full functionality of the game like high score saving. If you like collecting video pinball games and actually playing them then here's another way to play Full Tilt Pinball! Enjoy!

#full tilt pinball #3d pinball space cadet #space cadet pinball #windows 95 #gaming #pc gaming #retro gaming #pinball #video pinball

6 notes · View notes

benw00d07 · 4 months ago

Text

Enhance Organizational Success with FullTilt Team Development: Your Premier Team Building Company

In today’s fast-moving and competitive business landscape, having a cohesive and well-functioning team is crucial for success. Team building activities play a key role in improving communication, fostering collaboration, and boosting overall productivity within organizations. These activities are designed to strengthen team dynamics and create a more unified workforce. A leading provider in this field offers a range of innovative and effective team building solutions. With a strong presence in the US, UK, and Canada, this provider is dedicated to helping businesses enhance their team’s performance and drive organizational success through tailored team building experiences.

Understanding the Importance of Team Building

Team building is not just about having fun; it's about creating a synergy that enhances performance and drives success. Effective team building activities help break down barriers, improve interpersonal relationships, and align team members with organizational goals. By engaging in structured activities, teams can develop a deeper understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses, leading to better collaboration and problem-solving capabilities.

Tailored Solutions for Diverse Audiences

The company caters to a wide range of clients, including human resources professionals, corporate executives and managers, event planners and coordinators, small to large enterprises, educational institutions, and non-profit organizations. Each of these groups benefits uniquely from team building activities:

Human Resources Professionals: Team building activities aid HR professionals in fostering a positive workplace culture, enhancing employee engagement, and reducing turnover rates.

Corporate Executives and Managers: These activities provide executives and managers with the tools to build cohesive teams, improve leadership skills, and drive organizational success.

Event Planners and Coordinators: We offer customizable team building events that seamlessly integrate into corporate events, making them more engaging and memorable.

Small to Large Enterprises: From startups to multinational corporations, the activities are scalable to fit the size and needs of any organization, promoting unity and collaboration.

Educational Institutions: Schools and universities can benefit from team building to enhance student collaboration, communication, and leadership skills.

Non-Profit Organizations: Team building activities help non-profits to strengthen their teams, improve project coordination, and achieve their mission more effectively.

The Benefits of Team Building

The benefits of team building activities are manifold, including:

Improved Communication: Activities designed to enhance communication skills help team members articulate their ideas clearly and listen effectively, reducing misunderstandings.

Enhanced Collaboration: Team members learn to trust each other and leverage individual strengths for collective success by working together on tasks.

Boosted Morale: Fun and engaging activities can significantly improve team morale, leading to a more positive and productive work environment.

Problem-Solving Skills: Team building activities often involve solving complex problems, which can translate to better decision-making and innovation in the workplace.

Increased Productivity: When team members work well together, overall efficiency and productivity increase, contributing to organizational growth.

Customized Programs by FullTilt Team Development

A diverse range of programs is available, tailored to meet the unique needs of different organizations. The offerings include:

Indoor Team Building Activities: These activities are perfect for inclement weather or indoor settings, focusing on enhancing communication, trust, and collaboration.

Outdoor Team Building Activities: Leveraging the great outdoors, these programs encourage teams to step out of their comfort zones, promoting teamwork and resilience.

Virtual Team Building Options: In response to the growing trend of remote work, virtual team building activities are available to connect and engage teams across distances.

Success Story: Transforming Team Dynamics

One standout success story involves a mid-sized tech company struggling with inter-departmental communication. By engaging in a professional team development service, the company participated in a series of customized team-building activities designed to break down silos and foster collaboration. The result was a significant improvement in team dynamics, leading to more efficient project completion and a 20% increase in overall productivity. This case study exemplifies how a tailored approach can transform team performance and drive organizational success.

Why Choose FullTilt Team Development?

Choosing FullTilt Team Development means partnering with a team building activity company that is committed to excellence. Their customized programs are designed to address the specific needs of your organization, ensuring maximum impact and lasting results. With a proven track record of success and a wide range of activities to choose from, FullTilt is the team building company that can help your organization thrive.

For more information on how FullTilt Team Development can enhance your team’s performance, Contact us today to explore our tailored team building solutions and take the first step toward a more cohesive and productive team.

#eventplanning #teambuilding #FullTiltDevelopment

1 note · View note

fulltilt-teams · 1 year ago

Text

We are a team-building company specializing in developing and executing custom team activities. FullTilt Teams designs and performs team-building activities to help your company, group, or organization achieve its goals by developing a stronger team and company culture.

#corporate team building activities outdoor #team building training for employees

1 note · View note

illustriousgentlemen · 2 years ago

Text

LISTEN HERE IN YOUR BROWSER

This week Ryan is joined by comic creator Jason Copland to chat about his upcoming creator-owned epic, Full Tilt. Jason has been working on this book for the past five years and we cover the process behind the book, crowdfunding, doubts, imposter syndrome and so much more. ⁠Follow Jason's work here.⁠

Subscribe and leave a review wherever you listen.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at @tig_show - Our intro music is a sample from Cockpit, by Silent Partner. #podcasts #comics #indiecomics #zoop #marvel #comicbookartists #cider #craftcider #newbelgium #voodooranger #comicartists #jasoncopland #fulltilt

1 note · View note

wanderingandfound · 2 years ago

Text

Last year I was doing a WtNV relisten with the liveshows and [audio]books in publication order. I was going pretty fulltilt and eventually started keeping track of (brace yourselves) the plot (*gasps in horror).

Anyways that simply wouldn't do. WtNV is about the vibes, not the tension. It's for bedtime, not stressing over. Contemplating the mortality of all living and not-living, not the fates of fiction.

So I paused on the relisten.

Anyways I haven't been able to listen to podcasts as much as usual recently. I've been choosing to drive in silence. (Or well, I put on a podcast and pause it after three minutes. It's a forty minute drive.)

But on the way home on Friday I picked up where I left the WtNV relisten, with episode 144. And all is well, and now I'm listening to 146 to fall asleep.

#To be clear I've been staying caught up.#personal #liveblogging stories #Meant to go to bed hours ago but here we are.#Goodnight Tumblr #Goodnight.

1 note · View note

goodthoughts001 · 2 years ago

Text

A new site for online Best Slots to Play Now fans

The internet has almost single-handedly reignited the flames of Best Slots to Play Now passion in the United States and the world over. Everybody is trying to cash in on the fun as the internet has many sites to offer where players can play for fun, or raise the stakes and play for real money. A great new site has arrived that is out to promote these sites, while at the same time being a great place for poker fans to read articles on poker tips and strategy, get the latest poker news, and get the word on the latest Poker Bonus to hit the web.

Promoteholdem.com is a free site that can really save you time. There are so many sites on the internet for poker these days that one is really no different than the other. That’s what makes this site handy. It removes the guess work and leaves you with only the best sites on the net. You don’t want to waste your time on some site that is a scam, or is significantly less appealing than others out there, so let promoteholdem do the work for you. The site currently has links to the top holdem rooms on the net including: Titan Poker, FullTilt Poker, Absolute Poker, and Ultimate bet, just to name a few.

Before you dive right in, be sure to check out the poker tips and Poker Strategy articles that are sure to give you a head up on other players, or at least level the playing field a bit. When you play online poker, you are going up against the best players from all over the world, so make sure you’re not bringing a sword to a gunfight. These tips and strategy articles are broken down by player experience level as well, so no matter where you are on the skill level spectrum, you are sure to pick up some great tips. Promoteholdem has three strategy levels to choose from: beginner, intermediate, and advanced.

Also of interest is the site’s links to rakeback sites. If you’re new to the online poker community then you are probably wondering what rakeback even is. Simply put, it is the fee that online poker rooms charge you to play on their site. It’s an easy way for them to make pure profit. Rakeback sites allow you to get a percentage of your paid rake back usually in a monthly sum.

Promoteholdem.com has provided a great service my finding these sites on the net and presenting them together on their site for easy access.

There are new Online Poker events popping up constantly, so make sure you don’t miss out on any of them by checking out on a regular basis. They feature links to these events on their homepage in order to give you the heads up. If you are a veteran online poker fan, or someone who has been meaning to try it out but hasn’t had the chance, is sure to help you out.

0 notes

nealshustermanreal · 3 months ago

Text

Writer’s Wednesday is an outtake from Reddit three years ago! Curious about the origins of FULL TILT?

#WritersWednesday #FullTilt #StoryOrigins

0 notes

earn031731 · 2 years ago

Text

Online Cash Games - Learn the Secrets of Becoming a Successful Cash Game Player

Online cash games are one of the most profitable sources of income out of ANY gambling game. You completely control your own fate every single hand! You can decide you want to fold, raise, go all-in, etc…and the great thing is you are NOT playing against computers. Every single person you play with is REAL LIFE players from all around the world. Unlike casino slot machines where everything is based on computer generated odds to decide your fate of winning or losing, you get to pick and choose your hands! If you lose, the only person you can blame is yourself.

Many people love free games win cash opportunities. Those are great and all, but you really will never win a stable income looking for games that offer free cash if you win. Half the time you won't even get paid and is a scam. Stick to playing poker online for cash. You can play at fulltilt poker or pokerstars for lots of cash. They offer HUGE sign up bonuses for new players, 100% deposit bonus match up to 600 bucks. So if you deposit 600 bucks, you already have 600 bucks in your pocket. The only thing you have to do is play a certain amount of hands to unlock the deposit bonus amount. Full tilt releases the deposit bonus in percentages, not the whole thing at once. If you are using the right cash game strategy, there should be no reason WHY you can't make a consistent income playing cash games online. How to win money in live cash games is a burning question many online poker players ask. The strategies are very similar for cash games online and in person at a casino. The only difference is that you cannot see players facial expressions online but you can easily see them in person if you run into an inexperienced player. A strategy online cash games poker method will put you over the top and turn you into a winning player in NO TIME at all earn money apps .

Take it from me; I have been playing cash games online for over 20 years. I am a multi-millionaire with over $600,000 in my bankroll ONLINE alone. The majority of my money won came from online play back in the middle 90's. I won the majority of my money on Party Poker before it was banned in the United States. Now I currently play on Fulltilt Poker and Poker Stars. These sites are great for new players starting out as they offer a 100% deposit bonus up to 600 dollars. That is a lot of money, absolutely free! You can play in the comfort of your own home without the hassle of paying for a plane ticket, food expenses, and hotel fees in traveling to your nearest casino. Plus you have an extra 600 bucks in your pocket by playing online. I hope these poker tips have helped you and I wish you the best of luck in becoming a winning cash game player!

1 note · View note