#oakgirl

[despodiamundare]

Inspecting the Greatest Love

-names shall be placeholders to preserve anonymity-

Without a doubt I was immature when I met -Oakgirl-, Oakgirl being the one who I call my Greatest Love. I was young, just leaving high school. At that time, I was a theater-kid, and I had found myself at theater rehearsals with feelings for another girl, whom we shall call -Fplunch- cause she's not gonna be in the story for too much longer.

Fplunch was quiet, but seemed to have the same interests I did. Video games and the like. I have a particular memory of making eye contact with her as she reclined, and this incited my imagination fairly well at the time. But then entered Oakgirl. Stunningly beautiful, more so than Fplunch by a good mile. (not that beauty is the measure of quality in a person but it does help people feel attracted to each other) Shortly after we met Oakgirl had no trouble telling me she was interested. Nothing so heinously carnal at first, she merely wanted me to text her. I know I didn't at first. I said I would, but I didn't. I don't remember if this was because I was wanting to pursue Fplunch over Oakgirl, or if it was more a matter of self-confidence. You'd think, with a direct approach from such a young women as Oakgirl was, I would be ready and willing to connect with her. But I can't assume things to have been so simple. By that point in my life, I had already begun porn use and had had two girlfriends already, both of which I had not really managed to keep an erection for. Imagine that, 19 and completely lacking sexual confidence! I'm sure this feeling is much more common for our generations than the previous ones who lacked the tech to disassociate from reality so completely. Anyway...

Oakgirl was persistent. She hunted me down once or twice after high school, saying I should text her. So I did, and we went on a date. The first time I believe was at a playground by the school. I remember sitting by the swings, and she told me of the troubles in her life, and I told her mine. I don't remember how I felt afterwards, but I know we met again and again until one night in the parking lot of a bowling-alley arcade I leaned over to the passenger seat and kissed her, and then the two of us made out for several hours.

And I remember seeing her standing in front of the sunflowers in front of her house, not so long after, and me telling her I think I love you. I knew it was fast. I had said it quickly to the previous two I had spent time with. But she was wonderful and fun. It felt right. And she said it back. And then we dated each other for just under four years.

During that time we built a friendship strong enough to etch memories and feelings that will likely last the rest of our lives. Eight years have passed since I broke up with her -yes it was I who was the devil- and now she has told me she never forgot me. I never forgot her, although my feelings I believe ebbed away easier for me; which is a key component in the contemplation I've been doing, will get to that.

What are the qualities that make up a strong relationship? Is it something mostly universally, or do these qualities change based off of the people? Can our feelings be fully trusted?

You see, Oakgirl and I dated and traveled through life together. Our humor intertwined and in many ways we were inseparable. She made me laugh, I made her laugh. We made each other smile. We were each other's first true sexual experience (I had attempted before but first found success with her). We had fun and had excellent chemistry, but I would find myself bored sometimes. We had different interests, and I felt like I could not write and bounce ideas off of her. Writing was important to me before meeting her, but it became much more important during that time as I discovered dungeon mastering and writing for dnd players to interact with and explore the worlds I had found in my head. So there was this disconnect. Yet we were so close that, as we continued, marriage did not seem so far-fetched. Yet married at 22? It felt so fast, and with this disconnect between our passions I felt like I would not feel fully complete if I married her. How could I know myself? So, as my parents helped encourage me to attend an art school, I found myself diverting to one out-of-state. I found myself telling her I was leaving, and that I didn't think we should do long distance. I remember her beginning to cry. I remember beginning to cry myself. I remember wonder "Why the fuck are you doing this?" And I still did it. I remember thinking if her and I got along so well, maybe there was someone else who I would get along with in a similar or better way that would write with me.

And thus time passed. And I had several terribly disappointing relationships. Nothing lasting longer than a couple weeks. I was a mess than continued to become less stable and more self-absorbed. I don't remember having heart break over Oakgirl. I remember she called me a couple of months after I had left, and we talked. I don't remember how I felt talking to her, hearing her voice again, but I know i didn't reach out to her after that or attempt to get the bridge open. I left her. Fairly wholly.

And yet still, as time went on, I realized I had not left her. I never deleted the pictures of her and I. They were too beautiful. Goofy friends reveling in a pure love. I found myself speaking like her. My humor was still the blend she and I had forged. It was funny. We were freaking funny. So the comedy I brought to people were her and I. And after 2-3 years, my mom told me out of nowhere that Oakgirl was engaged. I didn't think to stop it. I didn't think to reach out to her and tell her I missed her and thought about her near every day. I decided she deserved better than me and figured she had found someone better. She's a smart lady.

But in actuality she hadn't. She had found someone who became quiet foul. And it was at the beginning of 2023, that they had a huge falling out. A grand argument. And here's what happened folks. I felt it. I was in my room and it felt like my soulmate had died. I hadn't talked to her in years, and I felt her pain. I wasn't sure what it was the night I felt the feeling, I didn't know it was her right away, but the next morning I made the connection and became worried something had happened to her, so I reached out. She had changed phones, she didn't have my number. So I assumed she really didn't think about me anymore. I cried pretty hard when she texted back "who is this?"

But I summoned my courage and told her who it was. And she responded saying thank you, and that she wanted me to know that she was always in my corner. From this I could feel that she was dismissing me in way. Selfishly I couldn't see the love in her message, just the feeling that I shouldn't talk with her anymore. So I engaged to fully remove her from my thoughts. By August I was doing a meditation to remember my life, and realized I had worked through my memories of late high school and early college without thinking about her! Amazing and terrible. At the time I felt somewhat relieved. Good that I should be moving on, yes?

But then the rest of 2023 happened. I fell into some revelations that had me praying more. I prayed for a sign or to talk with/interact with my partner in crime. I wasn't thinking it was going to be Oakgirl, but I hoped i could be shown someone similar. And then, about a week later, Oakgirl texted me at midnight. I didn't see her text until 6am. Unlike when she called me a few months after the break up, I was beside myself. I ran out of the house in an ecstatic panic. Oakgirl! She was there! What she had written was beautiful. She remembered more than I had. The emotions in her had been etched into her, as she had been with me. She had said she didn't want anything serious with me, but selfishly I didn't really comprehend that part as I read. It was hard to read what she wrote and think that she did not want a second chance. Especially after we began to text and we made plans to see each other for New Years.

We talked over the phone. She reiterated she did not want to start anything. She said the ball was in my court, I thought she meant about starting something but what I learned later is she had been referring to us sleeping together. Best not to assume folks.

We met. It was beautiful. It was awkward. I felt that same apprehension in staying committed to her. I felt the same joy of being in her presence and hearing her voice and wit. I felt the same disconnect in interests, and the joy in making her breakfast and making her laugh. So much had stayed. But indeed, things had changed. And after two nights she said she would not stay the third. She said it was because her dad wanted her back home, I believe her, but I also believe she could not be with me as I was. It may well be she can simply be with me no longer.

You may see it now folks. You may not, as you have not read what she has written. But, to put it plainly, I broke her heart and then vanished. And then, after she reached out to me to support me, I come calling asking for her to trust me again. This, when I have done so little to change who I am in the interim? Mayhaps I am being a little harsh on myself, but certainly some of this is true.

Dear folks, it has now been near a month since I saw her again for the first time in eight years. My dear, sweet memory is pocketed full of holes after years of being a stoner, and I can no longer remember the direct emotions of the joy and stress of being with her again. I can only remember remembering these feelings. She has cut me off. She said such beautiful things, even more than before, over text after we had parted ways again. In my desperation I asked why it was a no, she would not say and I am glad she did answer my question. This was not my place to pester her like this, you see. I told her my door is open, and she told me her door is just slightly ajar.

And here we are now. I have seen many things saying I must let go, the most prominent of these being her direct words. She has asked me to go live my life to the fullest, and to know that she will always be supporting me.

And how foolish do I feel? I still feel apprehension. I still am not sure I have that deep drive to bring her into my life, to charge after her and shower her with my energy. A man should have that drive if he is to pursue a woman, yes?

And yet... yet she lives in my bones and soul. She is there. She will always be there. I can let her fade. I can go on. But a part of me does not want to. A part of me wants to make it work. A part of me wants to fight for her. But a part of me also says I must focus on understanding and growing myself. And another part says I need not wait to be someone different I need merely accept I am the version of myself I want to be and go after what I want. And part of me does not want to go after her. And part of me does. And I feel so damned confused. And scared. Because most certainly after seeing her again I have become aware of how wonderful a thing we had was. Certainly it need not be unique, as in she and I can find new loves that give us something great again, but as I understand it now it is wholly unique still for the both of us. Still at the least for me.

I worry my apathy, my desire to not be with her, is part of the shadow I have not integrated. It is either something real that I don't want to accept because I want to be beholden to this great thing we had and still have some ghost of. Or it is that I really truly do love her and can not accept it out of fear. At times one seems true, at other times the other seems true. See how I cannot rely on my emotions? It appears I must just make a choice.

And part of me is scared to make the choice to ask for her hand again, because what if I become dissatisfied? The answer is that is exactly what happens when you choose someone. You choose someone to love and learn so well that you begin to hate them. That you become dissatisfied and wonder if they are really worth it. Then you hunker down and get real close to them and you ask them if they'll reforge with you, and if they do then that I believe is True Love. But I am not sure. Is there love that comes easy? Natural love that flows just like the wind? If anything, that was us for a good while. Now I just don't know.

I wonder sometimes if we all make decisions together. If we are all truly one. If we are all connected together in some deeply significant way, are our actions the same? Could it be that life on earth has seemed to get shitty around the time I left her because it was me leaving what was good in my life, and thus I was doing what we all did, for our actions are all tied together. Can my acceptance of the good be part of a chance for us all to turn this boat around and make a future of peace instead of war? Is it a little dramatic and silly that I take my thoughts this direction? Is it a little self-centered to think that giving that sweet girl my whole life may be part of saving the world?

probably. but we do live in a real crazy story.

I probably had a more defined thing I wanted to talk about at the beginning of this post but I think this is a good spot right now. Should the iron become hot i shall strike this blog again. Should any eyes stray this way and make it to this point I thank you for taking time out of your day to read my woes and troubles. Please feel free to comment and ask questions or tell me why Bionicle is better than Star Wars because it absolutely is and you can't change my mind on that.

Most certainly, have a wonderful day and a wonderful time. Don't forget to live life fully and do your best to make decisions you won't regret.

[catgirlcummies]

stormgirl who's always trying to get her willowgirl girlfriend to squeal, but the willowgirl always just takes whatever she does to her and smiles serenely, until the stormgirl gets so frustrated that she stalks off in a huff and fucks her oakgirl girlfriend so hard she ugly cries