#full wholehearted loathing

[toastling]

This might be an unpopular opinion from all the responses I've seen here on tumblr this past month, but I think this whole Jack Blacklash has been completely blown out of proportion. I think you might all be a little bit too online. I can't believe I'm saying this with a straight face, but I think we might all need to go touch some grass.

Like, I get it, okay? I make jokes that read like death threats all the time about friends and enemies and politicians alike. We all do. But you and I, we're all literal nobodies. Who cares if we end up on some watch list for some off-color humor, we don't have careers. Not huge, public-facing ones that would be horrifically impacted by said off-color humor.

Jack Black is a public figure. He doesn't have the luxury to say the kind of shit or cosign the kinds of jokes that we all do. And I don't think that's fair, and I don't think that's right, but that doesn't change the truth of the matter. Hate the game, not the player. If you actually watch the event in question, he's right there on stage laughing along with the the rest of us. He's explicitly stated since thta he and Kyle still are and always will be friends *and* that Tenacious D isn't over.

But he, and more pointedly, his PR team, cannot allow that sort of joke about a major political figure, no matter how pathetic and fascistic he may be, to fly. And the response really does read more like PR damage control than it does something he actually has his full weight behind when you take into context everything else he's said about the situation since.

"It's just a joke". Yes, I agree, and personally, I'd have commit career suicide and stuck by it because that's the kind of person I'd be in any given spotlight. I'm not interested in celebrity, and I'm not interested in longevity at the expense of unlimited free expression on my part either. But I'm in the minority on that. Most public facing figures have to tow a line with this sort of thing.

Unless they're A) Already in politics, particularly as a right wing chud or B) Deeply entrenched as an edgy comic, and a stand-up comic in particular, then most famous folks cannot get away with an assassination joke like that and not face disastrous, potentially career-ending consequences and a visit from the FBI.

And yes, it's just a joke, but also, stop and think for a second the kind of world you're trying to create here. The alt-right dipshits all over Twitter and Reddit and the rest of the internet already use the same exact excuse of "it's just a joke" to try and get away with wholehearted bigotry and *actual* calls for violence. And yeah, it's bullshit, and usually, everybody knows it. But it's not always so clear.

If Kyle made that quip a bit more dryly and only made it clear it was a joke after the fact, all we'd have to go on is his word. And he's "our guy", so of course we'd take him at his word. Would anybody else? Not just "the other side", but actual, neutral, not terminally online morons? You know, like most of the world's population is? And even with how it *did* unfold where it was *clearly* meant as humor, it still has very real repercussions *immediately following a legitimate assassination attempt*.

You're really tempting fate and cracking open Pandora's Box there if you genuinely think public figures should be held to the same lax standards as us nobodies. As much as I personally loathe respectability politics, I'm not stupid. I understand very well the purpose that they serve in preventing every minor political squabble descending into outright violence, small scale shitstain vs shitstain or full-on civil war.

For a site that loves to complain about everybody else's lack of critical thinking, I've seen a shocking lack of it from everybody here on this particular matter. Just because the guy we hate was the butt of the joke doesn't make the thing that happened 100% okay. This shit can and does have serious consequences.

And now I see some chucklefucks saying shit like "Oh, Jack Black is the new Chris Pratt now", as if Jack Black attends gaybashing mega churches or has a psychotic paramilitary brother he supports or is in any way on any level even remotely as vapid as the crisped rat.

Like, one single choice we don't like because orange man bad, and literal *decades* of good will just evaporates overnight. Hell, some of you pretend like you never even had that good will in the first place, when you verifiably did. It's not like he called you a faggot or pushed an orphan down the stairs, he got spooked about the fact that the FBI might bust his door down because his friend made an off-color joke in front of tens of thousands of people immediately following an assassination attempt. Like??? You call *this* critical thinking???

Honestly, you guys are no smarter than your parents. And if that pisses you off, then stop being stupid and think about something outside yourself for a second and recognize that Hollywood Superstar Jack Black does not have the same privilege of inconsequential mediocre anonymity you and I do. That doesn't automatically make him "bad" or pro Trump. That makes him somebody who gives a shit about keeping his career going for another 30 years.

In summary: touch grass, eat ass, let it pass.

[gas-stxtion-a]

//now that the dogs have been wrangled, here are my initial design and character notes for the tftgs biomutant au no one asked for but i think about sometimes! <3 half of this post is going to be incomprehensible if you don't know biomutant that well <3

main au notes: in this au, the gas station is replaced with a non-functional motojus station, which has been converted into a sort of general goods store (a thingamajig broker <3). the motojus station is located in myriad territory but unaffiliated with the colony itself, and verminten from all around The Cradle are more than welcome to come peruse the store's goods, most of which are crafted from materials scavenged by the workers themselves.

functionally, this au is mostly a setting change, and the plot remains mostly the same, aside from a few small changes to better fit into the world (such as incorporating some colony politics).

specific character notes and designs under the cut!

JACK

in this au, jack's name is still jack, because i can't see him with a different name even in such a different setting. he isn't the owner of the motojus station per se, but he's effectively the manager and the only full-time employee. whereas the other workers go home at the end of their shifts, jack practically lives there, to the point of having a little nest set up in the back where he sleeps between shifts.

like in canon, jack intentionally keeps his past mysterious and absolutely loathes talking about his personal life. all anyone knows is that he was raised in the nearby village of pokburr by a foster family, which he is no longer in contact with. overall, jack is happy to just live his life minding his own business and taking life one day at a time.

jack also has some limited psi-powers in this AU, but he actually doesn't know he has them to begin with. he also has no actual combat training, though he can be surprisingly capable when it comes down to it.

JERRY

in this au, jerry's name is jerri, though he responds to pretty much any nickname used for him and it's unclear if that's his actual name or not. he's a former member of a bandit troop that made its home in bricktown, though after his troop's mysterious disappearance he's struggled to find his footing in the world. generally speaking, jerri is a very cheerful, if somewhat stupid, vermint, and he's taken to his role as an employee of the motojus station with glee. when he's not working there, he lives in an apartment in bricktown.

like in canon, the mathmetists of the biomutant au are still very much a cult. and also like in canon, jerri has not let go of the cult ideology that has been programmed into him. he's still a wholehearted follower of the troop's beliefs, including their propensity for violence. though jerri is generally a pretty nice guy, he also isn't subtle about the fact that he has no problem killing others.

jerri doesn't have any psi-powers, but he does have extensive combat and engineering training. he makes his own guns, most of which are rigged to cause as much damage as possible.

ROSA

rosa in this au's name is roo, though admittedly that's a bit of a tentative name and one i'm not sure on. anyway, roo is a newer employee at the motojus station, an absolute ray of sunshine who puts her all into everything she does. she's one of the only employees who seems to actually enjoy her job, as confusing and stressful as it can be at times. her optimism seems nearly unshakeable, though she also has no problem standing up for herself and others if the situation calls for it.

like jack, roo has psi-powers of her own, though she has been trained to use them for self-defense purposes. the best comparison i can make between her abilities and those shown in-game is that she effectively has mastered the spark ability, the base psi-freak ability. roo looks pretty harmless, but when it comes down to it she is more than capable of combat, even if she tends to shy away from it.

roo is also a very spiritual creature, with a firm belief in the nono and other folklore. she dreams of visiting the aboration (the tree of life) itself someday to see it and the nono up close, though the length of the journey means she hasn't had a chance.

SPENCER

spencer in this au's name is spinner, and he was raised in the same village as jack. they actually grew up together and were close when they were young, though they grew apart as they aged. when spinner reached adulthood, he was recruited to join the myriad colony in their war against their rival, the jagni. eager to escape the village where he grew up, spinner agreed.

spinner spent many years with the myriad before he left them behind to make his own living as a bounty hunter. he's never been particularly interested in being a team player, after all. when it comes to his bounty hunter work, he takes great pleasure in brutalizing those he's tasked with hunting down, even when he does bring them back alive. putting it lightly, spinner isn't a great guy.

in terms of psi-powers, spinner doesn't have any, though he has certainly tried to induce them in himself before. even without them, though, he is very capable in combat. his greatest weakness, however, is that he hates when things don't go his way, and when he feels frustrated at a lack of control, he very quickly makes mistakes.

TONY

tony in this au's name is floret, and he is formerly a member of the netra colony. exactly why he traveled so far away from home to work at the motojus station is something he doesn't like to talk about, though he has alluded to the possibility of him being exiled. very few of his coworkers have pressed him for any details on this front, and he keeps the details he has shared vague and muddled.

though his past is mysterious, floret is a loyal and trustworthy friend to his coworkers, and he's incredibly protective of all of them. in his time with the netra, he was trained thoroughly in multiple forms of combat, though he most excels in unarmed fighting. like jerri, floret also has extensive engineering knowledge, and he is the one who crafts most of the weapons sold at the motojus station.

above all else, floret is very resourceful, quickly adapting to new situations and using what he has at his disposal to his advantage. sometimes, his coworkers jokingly as him what he's doing working with them rather than making his living as a bounty hunter, to which he usually replies by telling them that he wouldn't have the patience for it.

AMELIA

amelia's name in this au is match, and she is a current member of the myriad colony, sent to protect the motojus station after a series of attacks from bandits. she takes her position very seriously and is very protective of all the employees, especially jack. generally very serious and no-nonsense, match doesn't have much patience for any of the strange happenings around the store and doesn't pretend to. above all else, though, she has a strong sense of justice and doing what's right above all else.

though she is a current member of the myriad, amelia was actually once a member of the ankati colony. she left them as a young adult to live with relatives in a village located in the surfipelago region, and she was eventually recruited as a myriad warrior after she helped fight off a jagni raid. later, she was assigned to protect the motojus station about three years later, after she was sharply reprimanded by the colony leader for speaking up against him. at first, she resented the assignment, but over time she's become attached to the employees there.

match doesn't have psi-powers of her own, but she has been trained in many combat styles, similarly to floret. she's also a very skilled engineer, and in a pinch she has no problems crafting weapons on the spot to protect herself or others.

[lilxahy]

Figuring out your share of the blame is eye opening

“You understand you’re the emotionally unavailable one, right?” he asked me. I was having a late chat with a friend. I didn’t realize the full unpacking of the baggage that was going to occur when I entered the conversation. I should have known better.

I have been working on reducing my baggage to a small, respectable carry-on that would most definitely fit in an overhead bin. Not quite under my seat yet, but noticeably smaller. Turns out, you can cram a lot in a carry-on.

Now, the contents of my baggage were on display. I just had to stand there and stare at it a minute.

He continued. “This is why you can’t find anyone emotionally available. Or, you know, anyone in this city. If you did, it would be real and it’s too much.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I audibly gasped. He was right. And giggling at my sudden realization in a slightly sinister, guttural way. My jig was up.

Friends who tell you what you don’t want to hear and notice parts of you that you ignore are the best friends to have. He didn’t say these things to be mean. He said it because he got it. This was a gift but one I was not ready to receive.

None of this had ever occurred to me. I tell myself that I am wholehearted. I am self aware. I am strong. I am deserving. In that moment, I was also telling myself that I was, apparently, full of shit.

I am tired of being alone. Why would I intentionally block things from my life that I have been struggling to find? It’s pretty simple.

I am scared out of my god damn mind of actually being in a relationship. And by scared, I mean terrified.

It’s been long noted that joy is the most difficult emotion to experience. We all want it but the minute we have it, the immediate following emotion is fear. Fear of losing that joy. We become so focused on losing what makes us joyful that we forget to take a minute to appreciate the joy.

This is me in a nutshell. I’ve had too much loss of joy. My defense against it is to not let it in. Keep it over there. Always an arm’s length away. This is how you become emotionally unavailable. It’s also how you routinely meet others like you.

The few men I have gone out within almost two years have only two things in common: They all have beards and they are all emotionally unavailable. I knew this going in. I went in anyway. There are reasons.

I’m not a glutton for punishment. I don’t like being hurt and I don’t like having my emotions tinkered with. This not about self-loathing. A good part of it is about self preservation. Neither of these are beneficial to anyone.

It so happens that being emotionally unavailable is incredibly convenient. You don’t have to realistically do anything in a relationship. You do anyway but they’re small things. Superficial things. This makes you feel like you’re a good person. You’re not. You’ve just created an amazing set of smoke and mirrors.

I’m freakishly independent and have a higher than normal need for space. Dating someone else who is emotionally unavailable allows you to have all of this. On occasion, you get company. Companionship. Conversation. Intimacy.

But therein lies the fatal flaw.

Any relationship between two emotionally unavailable people is doomed to fail. It’s a standoff. Two people with loaded guns. Neither wants to shoot. Neither wants to die. So you stand there with guns drawn.

Eventually, as it always does, the moment comes where someone has to pull the trigger. I shoot every time. My trigger finger gets itchy.

I could have dated any of these men for quite some time. Years even. I genuinely adored the hell out of them. They are good people. Interesting, smart, handsome, wickedly funny. Unavailable.

They asked so very little of me, which is why it works until it doesn’t. Days would go by without talking. Weeks would go by before we saw each other. Long distances were involved.

At some point, that arm’s length defense mechanism starts to be hard work, though. Someone eventually wants more. This person is usually me.

When you’ve chosen someone emotionally unavailable, that more is never an option. They don’t have it in the tank and I, perpetually, run on fumes.

Still, slowly, a little joy creeps in. A little attachment happens. Then fear follows. Then panic ensues. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let go.

This is where convenience comes in. All of this allows the end of our time together to be their fault. They did it to me. They walked away. They didn’t give more. I could put it on them and make them the bad guy. I could throw my own fancy pity party for myself, oblivious to the fact that I sent the damn invitations out in the first place.

The last one is the last one. This time, I saw it coming. I saw what I was doing. When we first met, he told me, “I bet you’d be a great girlfriend.” He told me he’d be a horrible boyfriend. He told me to let go. I didn’t. I stayed right there.

I created the no win situation. I accepted his unavailability. Deathly afraid he’d hurt me and in order to protect myself from the inevitable, I threw up all of my walls. Then, knowing he didn’t have it in him, I waited for him to climb them. Of course, that never happened.

I set him up for failure, knowing that when he failed, I could blame him. What I really wanted was for him to end the stand off. There was only one way he could do that, though.

All he had to do was take the gun out of my hand. Put his down. He was never going to do that either. So that leaves it to me to end the stand off. Shoot him with a gun he loaded for me.

It’s obvious that I can’t be in a relationship right now. I haven’t been fair. I haven’t been kind. I don’t have it in me. So, I’m staying away from gunfights.

No matter how lonely I get or how tired I am of doing things by myself, the reality is that none of these men ever did anything with me anyway. We never had great adventures. They were never around. None of us were giving.

They all let me off the hook. They let me walk away when what I really want is for someone to just make me give a shit. But you can’t make someone do that. Not when they’re emotionally unavailable.

[hrrytomlinson]

happy spring!! here are a bunch of fics I’ve enjoyed and loved reading throughout the month of april. I recommend that you read these great fics in may, if you haven’t already.

(all fics with a star are my favorites and if there are two stars then it was a favorite favorite)

1. Pour Your Heart Out (92k)

Louis is his soulmate. Or at least Harry thinks he is. Louis feels the same as Louis. But there are a lot of people named Louis in the world and this Louis might not be the Louis. It’s besides the point though, because Harry knows he can’t allow himself to get close to any boys. He just can’t and he’s told himself this multiple times. He has to simply stay away from Louis Tomlinson. But he can’t. Harry Styles can never stay away from Louis Tomlinson. It’s physically impossible for him to.

2. Love Endless (Path to Permanence) (241k)**

So now Louis' finally done the love thing, and it's already in jeopardy? Just his luck. Harry's evil twin is back, and that can't mean anything good. It never has. Even with the help of friends, will Harry and Louis be able to keep him at bay? And is Auron really who they should be worried out?

...Only one way to find out. [Book 2/4]

3. Like to Keep You Laughing (12k)*

Louis gasped. “Are you straight? Oh, I'm sorry, man. You should’ve just told me; I would’ve left you alone.”

“No, no, that’s not it," Harry said. "I like guys. I definitely like guys.”

“OK…”

“Louis, I’m ace.”

Louis snorted. “Kind of full of yourself, aren’t you?”

—

Or, the one where Louis is a frat boy who likes to hook up and Harry is someone who doesn't hook up ever.

4. Be With Me So Happily (42k)**

Harry Styles may have had his doubts at first, but by the time the gates to the elephant sanctuary came into view he was one hundred percent positive. Louis Tomlinson hated his guts. Like hated, hated. Like loathed-him-on-sight hated.

From what Harry could tell, he hadn’t even done anything close to insulting enough to warrant the disdain that was Louis Tomlinson’s default expression whenever he looked at Harry. It really wasn’t fair. Especially since he’d been lusting after the man from the second he’d laid eyes on that pretty, pretty face with those pretty, pretty eyes.

Or ... the one where Harry Styles has a bad reputation and a heart of gold, and Louis Tomlinson wishes he wasn't so enchanted by boys who looked like Disney characters and wore shirts with bumble bees on them [aka Louis is the director of the Styles Elephant Sanctuary and really doesn't want to babysit his funder's spoiled lay-about son for two months].

5. Walk on the Ocean (26k)**

The boy smirked. “So we’re really playing it this way, huh?”

Louis didn’t miss a beat. “We can play it anyway you want darling.” He dragged a finger along the soft inside of the man’s inner arm, earning a shudder as his nail scraped lightly against the sensitive skin there. He liked that he made him do that, wanted to do it again.

The other man stared down at Louis and searched his eyes. “Yeah. Ok,” he finally said, grinning widely. “My name is Harry.”

—

Harry is an on the rise rock star. Louis is as far from the music scene as a famous producer's son can get. They meet and everything changes.

6. Love is on the Radio (35k)

To win a pair of tickets to watch Manchester United playing, Louis may have possibly lied to Nick Grimshaw on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast Show, asking Harry, his best friend, to be his boyfriend. Problem is - Harry has always been in love with Louis and so, this Valentine’s he’s gonna see his dreams come true, with a tiny bit of a twist, in order to watch the football team they have loved together since they were kids.

7. What’s Stopping You? (14k)**

That shirt was what held his attention again. How many other guys had the same shirt that H and Harry had, and – wait. H… Harry. Harry did yoga. So did H. They both had the same shirt, and had both gotten home ten minutes ago and were cooking dinner.

No way.

Louis looked at the picture again, and stared more closely at H’s lips. They were pink and pouty, with the lower lip a bit plumper than the top, just like Harry. And H had brown, curly hair that reached his shoulders, just like Harry.

Louis looked over at Harry, who was putting his hair back up into a bun as the kitchen was most likely getting warmer.

“Holy shit,” Louis whispered. Have I been flirting with my own roommate all this time?

---

Or, the one where Harry wants to get over his crush on Louis, so he makes a Grindr account to find someone new. Of course, Louis messages him, not realizing H's real identity. It only takes a few days for them to figure it out.

8. Come Away With Me (80k)*

Louis had such big plans. He wanted so much out of life, and so did Amy. Now Bridget is going to grow up without a mother, and she’s always going to wonder what it would be like if this hadn’t happened. He wonders if she’ll blame him for her mother’s death as she gets older, or if she’ll understand that this is just as painful for Louis as it is for her. Louis doesn’t know how he’s going to raise her on his own, because he’s a fantastic father, yes, but he’s always been the fun parent, and Amy was in charge of the rules. He doesn’t know how to make sure Bridget has everything she needs all the time, doesn’t know how to make her favorite meal or how to do that one braid she loves to have in her hair or how to teach her to be the best person she can be. He doesn’t know how to live without Amy, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

Or, Louis has to pick up the pieces of his and his daughter's life after his wife dies, and Harry is a beautiful stranger that just wants to help.

9. In the Night (19k)

“Papa?” Louis questions, quietly enough that he won’t wake Bridget again. “Where did she even learn that?”

“Um,” Harry breathes, staring down at Bridget’s sleeping face. He should’ve known that that was why she was asking. “I may have told her some other names for ‘dad’ when she asked me the other day,” he admits.

“Oh my god,” Louis chuckles, looking down at her.

“She’s never called me it before, though, and I didn’t even think she would,” he says, rushed.

“She wants you to be her dad so badly,” Louis whispers, the smile fading from his face. Harry glances down at Bridget, unable to help his smile at her sleeping face.

“Yeah,” he mutters, reaching up to push a piece of Bridget’s hair behind her ear. “So do I, to be honest.”

Or, the self-indulgent reversed pov and slight continuation of Come Away With Me.

10. Down the Backs of Table Tops (and Ticket Stubs in the Attic) (7k)**

There's only two of them stuck to the house now, two souls tied to the walls and floor and pipes and appliances. Two souls stuck in a world that's moved on without them. Well, two souls and a cat.

He holds up the red fabric for Harry to get a good look at."We're going to decorate!"

Harry thinks this might be an odd shut-ins version of retail therapy, and he looks to Grimmy for guidance on how to explain to Louis that this will not at all help his cause.

11. Carried Away Like Butterflies (17k)

“Actually…” Liam said, scratching his chin absently. “I have a friend who is moving to London soon.”

“Without anywhere to live? Who is it? Do I want them living in my home?!”

“You met him at my birthday party. Harry, from Cheshire. Remember? Really tight jeans, curly hair down to here?”

Realisation dawned on Louis, staring at Liam who was gesturing round about his nipples. Did he remember Harry? Did he remember Harry?

He remembered Harry’s square front teeth biting into his collarbone, and he remembered Harry moaning, loud and obscene with no provocation. He remembered Harry dropping to his knees at the edge of the bed and roughly pulling Louis closer. He remembered, vividly, Harry’s lovely plump lips wrapping around his-

“Lou?”

“Uh- what?” Louis said, startled. “Oh, yeah. Um, I think I remember him.”

—

It was probably a huge mistake for Louis to let his former One Night Stand move into his spare room, especially when said One Night Stand doesn't seem to remember him.

12. Wholehearted (77k)*

AU. When superstar singer and winner of The Voice Louis Tomlinson tweets “Nothing worse than waking up with no milk for a cuppa !! Gutted” he doesn’t expect someone to bring him some. And he really doesn’t expect that someone to have bright green eyes, long curly hair, and (fucking) dimples.

13. Tea and a Blowjob, In That Order (8k)*

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell,” Harry says primly, unfolding his napkin over his lap with an exaggerated gesture.

“Maybe not, but you’ve sure got a penchant for blabbing once you’ve had your arse beat,” Cara says.

14. Before We Evaporate (37k)*

Louis Tomlinson; executive chef and owner of his own five star restaurant, been voted one of the top chefs in London, and has won several awards for his work in the kitchen. He’s always dreamed of being on Chopped, but never believed it would actually happen. Until it does. Now that he’s officially made it onto the show, there’s one tall, curly haired distraction that might just ruin everything for him.

Or the kinda sorta enemies to lovers Chopped AU with far more smut than necessary.

15. Through Struggles, to the Stars (80k)**

Louis is a Starfleet captain trying to find his place in the universe. Harry is a prince just trying to do what's right.

A Star Trek-inspired AU.

16. You Really Got Me Now (6k)**

Louis is the best older brother anyone could ask for. He knows this because he's agreed to help chaperone his younger sister's school trip to Rome. As it turns out, Italy is full of surprises. Fizzy's Italian teacher is surprisingly hot, Rome is surprisingly interesting, and Louis is surprisingly falling in love with more than just the city.

17. The New Romantics (36k)*

After being blindsided and dumped by his boyfriend Isaac, Louis does the only thing he can do: wallow and mope. But when Harry tells Louis that karma’s going to get Isaac eventually, Louis decides karma isn’t moving fast enough. He takes matters into his own hands, and if he has to drag Harry into his schemes and seduction plans, then so be it.

Or a John Tucker Must Die AU featuring drunk dance sessions, bad disguises, and a seduction plan gone wrong.

18. Ain’t My Fault (6k)**

“Liam, M4M is for sex! You posted in a sex forum about your missing jacket.”

“It is not for sex!”

“It is. Trust me.”

“Well, if it helps me find my jacket then I don’t really see why it matters. Besides, someone already texted me about it. This Styles guy’s coming over in a bit to get it.”

“You invited the avocado man to come get his jacket at our flat after posting on a sex forum. Do you see where this is going?”

“I really don’t.”

“Someone is going to have to have sex with the avocado man!” Louis screeches, and Liam covers his ears.

AU. Liam posts an ad on the wrong section of Craigslist, Louis is pretty sure they’re gonna get murdered as a result, and Harry’s missing an avocado.

19. I Walk the Line (55k)**

Professor Louis Tomlinson is the leading researcher in his field. Harry Styles is Louis’ recently hired grad assistant. Sparks fly between them but something doesn’t add up when it comes to Harry, and Louis is determined to find out what.

What happens when everything Louis thought he knew comes crashing down around him? Is he doomed to repeat his past mistakes? Or will he learn to follow his heart and find a way to forge his own path, alongside someone he’s not sure he can trust, but who might just be the best thing to ever happen to him.

[twoghostsau]

monthly fic rec: april 

- time bomb by thissentimentalheart (291k)

“Why exactly are you here?” Louis asked, feigning annoyance and failing pathetically at it. “My publicist told me I can’t go anywhere near you.” Harry said, eyes still smudged with last night’s eye liner. “That makes you my favorite person in the world.”

Or the one where Louis has everything: a lead role in a giant Hollywood franchise, a glittering new house with an entertaining Irish neighbor, and a steady, normal boyfriend who he probably loves. Louis never expected to become a household name among young Hollywood overnight. He also never expected to find something endearing about the enigmatic rockstar who keeps showing up on his back porch.

- the melody you never heard by bananasandboots (30k)

It’s one last adventure. One last chance to be young and carefree. One final weekend before they take up their internships, their corporate positions, before they enter the real world, fresh out of university. Niall’s his best mate. Liam’s been there for him since they were lost, little freshmen, trying to find their ways through an overwhelming first year. Harry can’t disappoint them, even if it means enduring four days with Louis.

Louis, who he does share a history with, a history he’s never told anyone about, not even Niall, a history he hasn’t brought up in three years because it’s stupid and embarrassing and confusing.

Or, the one where Harry gets roped into a four-day camping trip with the boy who kissed him and never called back. 

- say hallelujah, say goodnight by alivingfire (110k)

Louis is an angel who is just a little too bad to be good, Harry is a demon who is just a little too good to be bad, and they’re both a little too in love to be impartial when angels and demons go to war.

- be with me so happily by briamaria (40k)

Harry Styles may have had his doubts at first, but by the time the gates to the elephant sanctuary came into view he was one hundred percent positive. Louis Tomlinson hated his guts. Like hated, hated. Like loathed-him-on-sight hated.

From what Harry could tell, he hadn’t even done anything close to insulting enough to warrant the disdain that was Louis Tomlinson’s default expression whenever he looked at Harry. It really wasn’t fair. Especially since he’d been lusting after the man from the second he’d laid eyes on that pretty, pretty face with those pretty, pretty eyes.

Or … the one where Harry Styles has a bad reputation and a heart of gold, and Louis Tomlinson wishes he wasn’t so enchanted by boys who looked like Disney characters and wore shirts with bumble bees on them.

- wholehearted by themagicword (77k)

AU. When superstar singer and winner of The Voice Louis Tomlinson tweets “Nothing worse than waking up with no milk for a cuppa !! Gutted” he doesn’t expect someone to bring him some. And he really doesn’t expect that someone to have bright green eyes, long curly hair, and (fucking) dimples.

- the night sky is changing overheard by lis (domesticharry)  (124k)

Harry is a tattoo artist, Louis is a drama professor, and they meet during an argument at a café.

- life was a song, you came along by rainbowninja167 (37k)

Louis is a songwriter trapped in a lie that could ruin his best friend’s career. Harry owns a record store, distrusts everyone in the music industry on principle, but loves Niall Horan’s newest album. A modern retelling of Singin’ in the Rain.

- i walk the line by awriterwrites (55k)

Professor Louis Tomlinson is the leading researcher in his field. Harry Styles is Louis’ recently hired grad assistant. Sparks fly between them but something doesn’t add up when it comes to Harry, and Louis is determined to find out what.

What happens when everything Louis thought he knew comes crashing down around him? Is he doomed to repeat his past mistakes? Or will he learn to follow his heart and find a way to forge his own path, alongside someone he’s not sure he can trust, but who might just be the best thing to ever happen to him.

- love’s truest language by summerwine (48k)

The first part was meant as a joke. He didn’t really expect Harry to buy anything. It was just Louis’ way of softening the ‘get the fuck out’ blow.

“Where’s your order forms, then?”

“I don’t want your flowers.” Louis chided before directing all of his attention to the arrangement in front of him.

Harry laughed under his breath as he stood to his full height, “Who said anything about them being for you, love?”

Flower Shop AU

[reeses-picks]

Billie Eilish is pop’s newest wunderkind: WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? review

Billie Eilish is shaping up to be pop’s newest wunderkind, signed off on by the former titleholder herself. On a surprisingly well-crafted album, she makes a convincing case for herself as the voice of her generation. At its best, the album fine-tunes Eilish’s aesthetic and dismantles pop tropes, but the throughline of the LP is the often melodramatic teenage mind, which she approaches with consummate care.

★★★★★★★★☆☆

In a way, teen pop stars reflect the state of pop music of their time. The (largely female) teen music sensations of the aughts came from the likes of Disney Channel and Nickelodeon, and so they (or rather, their image) reflected the whims of corporations and industry big-leagues at the time: clean, unproblematic, uncomplicated role models. It explains why the narratives of these artists now, who have come to dominate the cultural zeitgeist, seem so incongruent with those from their past. Recent career-defining projects from Ariana Grande (Sweetener, thank u, next) and Demi Lovato (Tell Me You Love Me) render them unrecognizable from their earlier spotless identities; sexual liberation is a common theme, of course, but more interesting is their acknowledgement of cracks underneath the surface. The Jonas Brothers’ smashing comeback earlier this year is only made possible by the braggadocio that only sex can bring.

The pop machine remains entrenched to this day, but there are signs of a new force taking hold. Today’s rising stars come from YouTube and SoundCloud, predicated on actualizing the idea of freedom of expression, and altogether they reflect the democratization of pop music, if not of society as a whole, and the liberation that follows; without the presence of gatekeepers, they are forming their own image, completely unfazed by notions of commercial viability. Thus, Billie Eilish, the most recent SoundCloud find, mercifully relatively untouched by the machine, is nothing like the teen sensations of yore. For the past three years, she has carved out her own peculiar space, a space only those at the fringe would dare come close, and on her debut full-length LP, WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?, she fine-tunes that aesthetic with almost surgeon-like accuracy, but not by way of repackaging it more tastefully for the mainstream. It certainly sounds so at the beginning: most of “bad guy” sounds like a complete about-face, riffing on a melody that smacks of commercialized Halloween, almost like caricaturing her own aesthetic. But the album only properly begins in the song’s third act: a heavily slowed-down, bass-heavy, spoken-word section that is closer to her modus operandi. But it also works like a full-throated cackle -- “bitch, you thought” -- in the face of detractors, as if she can sense their sigh of relief (maybe she actually can). That stubborn self-assuredness and humorous self-awareness are just some of the things that make this album so enjoyable.

And so we enter the Billie Eilish Experience. The third act of “bad guy” acts as a lead-in but also a predictor of the album’s overarching style -- bass-heavy, largely guided by rhythm, otherwise sparse instrumentation -- and many of the album’s highlights follow this formula. The formula finds its most undiluted expression in “xanny”: the song never achieves anything close to a melody except the bridge, and its drop entails the most aggressive use of bass in recent pop history, probably blowing out most earphones in the mass-market range and rendering Eilish’s vocals totally unintelligible. But parts of the formula are scattered everywhere: bouts of very pronounced bass pop up in the middle of songs; sometimes there is a sole piano or guitar or ukulele, whatever seems to be her preference at the time; other times she hums out her own backing melody. There are also occasions where the tempo slows down way into ballad territory, especially towards the end of the album, and those moments are relatively less successful, particularly the closer “i love you,” which comes dangerously close to becoming a sobfest.

It has become pretty clear that most pop artists who claim to be anti-pop are bullshit, but judging by the way Eilish pushes back against pop tropes here, she may be one of the first true anti-pop pop figures (which is totally a category that exists), even if the musical structures she employs here are purely pop. On “xanny,” she refuses to succumb to the appeal of recreational drug use, while “bad guy” is a wholehearted embrace of villainy à la Taylor Swift, though Eilish’s attempt definitely carries more bite. Elsewhere, “wish you were gay” begins with an acoustic guitar, the epitome of pop authenticity, but subverts that with sounds of an audience -- the pitiful aww’s, the slight chuckles, and of course, the applause; she knows all of this is fake, and the broken fourth wall is a delightful sight (the subject matter is quite a misstep, however). But she is not always so proficient. The “good girl vs. bad girl” trope makes an appearance on “all the good girls go to hell” -- needless to say, she’s an advocate for the latter -- but it keeps the false dichotomy in place, instead of doing away with it entirely. Perhaps the biggest misfire here is “my strange addiction,” a mindless perpetuation of the equation between intense romantic attraction and a drug-induced high, entirely antithetical to Eilish's adamant rejection of the latter. (It is rather telling that the album’s biggest misfire is one of only two tracks Eilish did not take part in writing, but it is also surprising that she did not scrap it the moment she saw it.)

The common thread throughout the LP is the often melodramatic teenage mind, which Eilish approaches with consummate care. There is the inflated ego in “you should see me in a crown,” the quiet fury in “xanny,” the hopeless romantic in “wish you were gay,” the emotional confusion of “i love you,” or even the paranoia in “ilomilo.” But what Eilish arguably captures the best is teens’ often misguided self-loathing, particularly in the aftermath of a romantic break-up: “8” is Eilish’s “Liability,” a masterful treatise on low self-esteem, written by the perpetrator in the perspective of the sufferer. There are countless other brilliant songwriting moments like this on the album; thus, it is quite a feat that the entirety of the record’s writing is done by a grand total of two people. But “8” may count as some of Eilish’s and FINNEAS’s (brother and co-writer) career-best writing: melodramatic, yes, but tentative enough that the drama flies just under the radar (though that is also partly the credit of Eilish’s vocal performance). Most of the experiences on WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP might be universal, but some moments feel specifically informed by this day and age. “all the good girls go to hell” reflects generational anxieties about climate change, while “listen before i go” prompts hard questions about how we talk about suicide and depression (my own contribution: is there an acceptable way to talk about it in a public domain?); on a lighter note, “my strange addiction” faintly projects the millennial obsession with The Office.

It all culminates in “bury a friend,” the crown jewel of WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP and the musical apex of Eilish’s young career, where the best attributes of the album all converge. Its music video looks like a miniature horror movie, but the song itself sounds like it, too. The track’s staccato beat evokes horror’s signature flickering lights. Eilish’s hushed tone, whether alone or accompanied with backing vocals, makes the eerie atmosphere of the song, the background voice sounding like it is lurking directly behind her, waiting for a jump scare when she least expects it; her distorted screams would also make for a great jump scare. The errant sounds on the track -- the dental drill, the staple gun, the broken glass, the Easy-Bake Oven -- resemble things that go bump in the night. The song is written in the perspective of the monster under your bed, but not so much in the sense of the bogeymen of childhood as in the sense of one’s personal “monsters” and how we can all become paralyzed by them. The line between the person and the “monster” is never made clear, and by the end of the song, there really is no telling between the two; we are our own worst enemy, Eilish seems to point out.

What does this all mean, in the context of this new era of pop music? There are certainly many sweeping observations to be made: that Eilish signals a major shift in how pop stars are made, that she is reinventing teen-pop stardom, that her success represents an era where adolescents are finally taken seriously. But perhaps the most apparent conclusion is that Billie Eilish is shaping up to be pop's newest wunderkind, signed off on by the former titleholder herself, evidenced by a body of work uncompromising in its premise and surprisingly well-crafted in its substance. Perhaps our first taste of the album, the audacious yet clairvoyant “you should see me in a crown,” put it best: watch her make us bow, one by one by one.

[ravenvsfox]

I know you have already done a lot of the ship posts (and they are all phenomenal and accurate af) but can you pretty please do Jesper and Wylan from six of crows/crooked kingdom? Xoxo

I’m SO sorry this took so long, you’re such an absolute sweetheart and also christ I’ve never been called an inspiration before holy.. god

also heck i love wesper this is a treat

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU… 

who is more likely to hurt the other?

don’t.. do this

they’re genuinely so good neither of them would ever TRY to hurt the other, and they’re both so tender and apologetic if they ever do. I think I’m gonna have to say jesper though just because. he’s still a little stirred by his addiction (to trouble! to bringing two guns to a gun fight! to gambling! to love!) and he’s got some jealousy and sensitivity baked into him, bless him. I feel like he’d run a risk and break Wy’s heart by accident, a little bit

who is emotionally stronger?

a genuine toughie bc they’ve both survived and persevered so MUCH. I think in terms of immediate reactionary instincts, Jes is better at letting bad vibes roll right off of him. He’s made of smiles. He’s trouble and a good time rolled into a waistcoat. If you insult him he only gets stronger. Wy was raised in silk and champagne but he was raised BY an absolute monster so. he’s a very bruised peach. criticism pierces him v easily. Though in a more fundamental way, wylan has fashioned his past trauma into a shield. by the end of ck he’s building himself new emotional strength with his bare hands

who is physically stronger?

ohhh man. They’re both noodle boys. Wylan is too smart for exercise. Jesper does his fighting at a 20 metre distance from his target. Jesper is bigger than wylan but most of his size is gangly and delightful and awkward. I think jes could probably still beat wylan in a pinch, but I’m more caught up in how funny it would be to see them try to fight it out

who is more likely to break a bone? 

man I’m tempted to say jesper just bc he seems like he would be...... brittle. I think he gets into scrapes a lot. I think wylan starts to get into p frequent scrapes by nature of being the sixth crow. I think the both of them are so busy worrying about each other’s fights that they neglect their own and trip off a building or smth

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

I think wylan can be a nasty piece of work when he’s pissed enough. like he may be a silk eared puppy but he’ll chew your shoes and track mud around if you forget to feed him. jesper doesn’t have a malicious bone in his body man, I think he’s a sarcasm queen and a joker but he’s definitely not mean

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

I think jesper’s constantly assuming he did something wrong and he sits down with wylan 100% serious like ‘babe.. im so, so sorry. I never wanted to be the sort of person who made you look sad like that, we’re past that, I truly made a promise--’ and wy would be like ‘what no I was sad bc a screw on my flute is loose and I couldn’t practice today’. but also yeah if it’s a serious fight they make up in a rush, and they laugh at themselves, and they use their energy for something better

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

here’s the thing about the crows man, they’re always sustaining minor injuries as a team and it’s a win if they live, right? All I can picture is the roar of activity when they pull off a job and they come back limping and bleeding and swearing and crowing w joy, and jes and wy take their seats opposite each other and clean wounds, kiss foreheads, smooth back sweaty curls, squeeze hands, make promises. the routine, u kno

who is in constant need of comfort? 

uhhh both of them (it’s always both my guy jot that down). Wylan has 16 years of shitty imposed self loathing to unlearn, and traumatic experiences all over him. jes has lost a lot (including his mom) and he struggles with addiction so like. yeah they both need comfort. they both wake up w the phantom feeling of a mother’s arms around their shoulders. they’ve both seen the very worst of humanity. They’re just two nervy, high stress kids trying to figure things out

who gets more jealous? 

lmao WYLAN VAN ECK did y’all read his scenes in crooked kingdom that boy is NOT SHARING. he glared real holes in kuwei’s head guys. jesper tbh is a terrible flirt and a HANDFUL and wylan is happy. to have his hands full. no one else.

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

mmm nahhh

who will propose? 

u bet ur ASS it’ll be jesper. Imagine wylan’s blushing face...... he’d do it for that alone. tbh there’s probably a point in their relationship where jesper’s outrageous flirting isn’t enough to get that pretty blush from wylan like he’ll roll his eyes and shove jes in the shoulder and w/e but they have to have increasingly ridiculous conversations about kinks or w/e until that blush comes out. jesper’s like ‘dang. guess I gotta step up the romance. what’s the most romantic thing? marriage? marrying wylan? son absolutely where do i sign’

who has the most difficult parents?

lmao lm a o lmaooo Lmao LMAO lmao

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

I feel like depending on the social climate of Ketterdam, hand holding might not be on the table?? especially for two criminals associated w the bastard of the barrel like idk man I can’t picture it. they don’t want to draw attention to themselves (well i mean. jes wants to. but they can’t). I think they’re all about sly glances and the most obvious smirks you’ve ever seen, and brushing shoulders!! brushing shoulders are their makeouts

who comes up for the other all the time? 

they’re always together man bf’s that blow shit up together and live together stay together so like they rarely have the opportunity to talk about each other. howEVER jesper probably mentions his boyfriend in the middle of a hand of poker w an inappropriate smile or gushes to w/e prisoner he’s breaking out of jail or makes Kaz’s day weird by trying to confide in him

who hogs the blankets? 

wylan is exhausted w luxury and jesper is a child who wants to be held so he rolls over and then over again so that wy always wakes up to a lapful of boyfriend and a roll of blankets and he has to wait for jesper’s heavy sleeper ass to arise so he can get up to pee 

who gets more sad? 

booooth -- jesper is understated sad with a side of unnerving frowns, wylan is a wobbling mouth and clenched fists. Sometimes they stay in the Wylan Van mansion and lock the doors so the maids can’t come in, and they bring the lavish decorative pillows into a heap on the carpet and feed each other sweets and rub each others backs and laugh and laugh the darkness away. wylan sketches. jesper poses. there’s scheming & kaz impressions. jesper is a storyteller and he imagines out loud what nina or inej are up to at that very minute, controlling gravity and hearts and the sea and their lives 

who is better at cheering the other up? 

see above ^^ they both go pro at the comfort olympics. Jesper is that little bit better though. He’s a sweetheart with all the right words in his pockets. He knows how to chop wylan’s dad down like the overgrown dead tree that he is. he knows how to flirt a smile onto wy’s face. he maybe lacks delicacy sometimes, but he’s so fun and wholehearted and warm that he can’t really go wrong

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

this is canon y’all, jesper is a lecherous bastard and wylan is equal parts disdain and delight. he absolutely will slap a boy

who is more streetwise?

god bless wylan but he knows a hell of a lot less about the streets than jes. He’s learning fast by the end of ck, but he’s still very sheltered in a lot of ways. Jesper has a few years under his belt, and he’s.. like tbh he’s a part of a gang so. He’s seen a lot. He’s participated in a lot. He has a pretty steep list of kills, same as every other survivor out there. He’s detached from the deaths but he’s been on the other side of a lot of bullets that have crumpled people up and thrown them in the trash. He knows his business, too. He knows Ketterdam. Well. Wy knows the half of it Kaz wants him to see.

who is more wise?

Wylan is utterly brilliant and Jesper is wholeheartedly here for it. What was that line again? ‘you’re cuter when you’re smart’? Wylan can think his way out of just about anything, the world belongs to him. jsyk

who’s the shyest? 

Wylan absolutely what a sweetie. I mean a lot of it stems from unfortunate self esteem issues and a history of being burnt but a lot of it is pure soul deep candy sweet embarrassment and not knowing what to do w his own cute face. He doesn’t know how to deal w people a lot of the time. he knows sheet music & formulas. he does not know how to look at a boy with beautiful lips all curled up at him and not pass out

who boasts about the other more? 

jesper is loudmouthed usually and he’s that much more loudmouthed when he’s in love, catch him talking to anyone who will listen about wy’s stupid face 

who sits on who’s lap? 

jesper would definitely try it, don’t even test him, he would fold all his crane limbs into wylan’s lap and say ‘hello peaches’ and wylan would have to slide both of them onto the floor to escape his embarrassment. on a good day, jes’ll scoop wylan into his lap and he’ll feel quiet, for a while

[oneweekoneband]

Because all the kids in Ridgewood have got cell phones these days.

“Albert Camus”

The Airing of Grievances isn’t perfect the way its follow-up would turn out to be. But anything within its limits (“My Time Outside The Womb” and “Joset Of Nazareth’s Blues” probably won’t stick after a couple of listens) that misses the mark is overshadowed completely by “Fear and Loathing,” “Titus Andronicus” and it’s finale, “Albert Camus.” While “Titus Andronicus” may have grabbed me first, and stayed as close to my heart as just about any other song in the world, it was “Albert Camus” that morphed my burgeoning interest into full-fledged fandom.

“Albert Camus” is the true bridge to The Monitor, the song in which Stickles evolves from a smart-ass suburban misfit into a dazzling poet. “Even my own mother will tell you, I am an asshole/but underneath it all there’s an apathetic heart of gold,” he sneers, convincingly asserting himself as the Camus for the bored, disaffected teens of the Tri-State area.

More important to me than that symbolism though, was a specific line in the song’s second verse: “Now you’re doing time for stealing candy from a babe/because all the kids in Ridgewood have got cellphones these days.” The idea of my nondescript hometown being shouted out in a band on the same label as Radiohead was incomprehensible to me – even if the line in question was more of a backhanded insult from the next door neighbors, who are often the victims of undeserved condescension at the hands of the denizens of Ridgewood. If anything, the fact that it was an insult made me love it all the more. 

By the time Stickles and his rag-tag ensemble pour gloriously across the finish line with the words “Because we don’t give a fuck about nothing/and we only want what we are not allowed,” it’s clear that the band’s incredible ambitions, voiced less than an hour before on “Fear and Loathing,” are actually well within reach.

As for me, the deal was done. I had found my ambassadors; the recipient of not only the fandom of myself and my best friends over the next few years, but my wholehearted trust. Stickles had walked the same streets as I had, been picked on like I had, and battled his own head like I had. In the years before my worldview expanded considerably, these similarities meant simply everything. The instant Stickles so gloriously insulted Ridgewood, Titus Andronicus became less of a band than a guiding light for me, a prism through which I looked at the small bubble in which I spent my teenage years.

Be sure to come back tomorrow, when I dive headfirst into The Monitor! 

[thegoodlion]

I'll be the first to say I love everyone. Full wholehearted genuine love. But only one person has crossed me in such a way that I absolutely loathe their entire existence... and yet I still love them. It's torture