#fucked up situation when he never asks for commitment from the ppl he dates but now hes stuck in a situation where

[3416]

desperately need a 40k fic about mitch's descent into bisexuality and how he starts having threesomes w steph and am34 to explore that in a safe space which creates a fucked up balance between the three of them like................... why is hockey rpf dying... what happened to our roots ,

[borom1r]

@theshakespearetrash SENT ME MORE ASKS ILYYYYYY TYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! this round is abt remake!John Ryder + my OC Kenneth >:3

(ask meme)

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

2– What was their first impression of each other?

Kenneth thought John was the hottest person he’d ever seen in his life. John thought Ken was a freak weirdo with issues (correct)

6– If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

Ken would’ve believed you. John would’ve scoffed

7– What would their lives be like if they had never met?

HM. Ken probably would’ve died in a car crash and/or some other insane snuff scenario. he was looking to get hurt when he picked up John.

John would’ve died a red smear on a New Mexico highway thanks to the butt of Grace’s shotgun.

GENERAL

2– Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

sort of???? Ken counts their first night together as their first date, since “date nights” generally involve murder or seedy motel room roleplays lmao.

so not. SUPER official, but Ken picked up John, got turned on when John threatened him with a knife which John really wasn’t expecting. Ken drove them both to a motel room + the rest is history!

3– What was their first kiss like?

VERY UN-ROMANTIC. John bit the shit out of Ken’s bottom lip. (un)fortunately for everyone involved, Ken found that extremely hot.

4– Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

uh yeah actually. mutually each other’s first Serious Committed Relationship. freak2freak communication.

5– What’s their height difference? Age difference?

Ken’s the same height as John (they r both 5’10) + John is 20 yrs older (48 to Ken’s 28)

6– What’s their relationship with each other’s families? Do they share a friend group?

NONEXISTENT + NONEXISTENT. They both cut ties w/ their family + Ken’s vibes are generally Strange and Offputting. has a couple work friends from the derby track. John has no friends.

7– Who takes the lead in social situations?

Positive social situations? Ken. Murders and/or fights? John

8– Who gets jealous easier?

JOHN. does not help that Ken likes to make him jealous

9– Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

they mutually tease each other lol. this is bad if they’re in public bc it generally ends w/ some fucker getting killed on the side of a highway

LOVE

2– What are their primary love languages?

both touch, actually

3– Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

KEN lol

4– How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

PDA? rare to never. cuddling? John has accepted it as an inevitability that Ken is gonna wind up w/ his head in John’s lap At Some Point if they’re home watching TV/relaxing

5– Who initiates kisses?

casual kisses, Ken. John gets bitey if they’re fucking + Ken’s just along for the ride, there

6– Who’s the big and little spoon?

they don’t normally spoon bc John finds it stifling, but if he’s having a bad day then Ken will big spoon

7– What are their favorite things to do together?

murder ppl??? modify cars??? have sex near crime scenes??? plot their mutual demise??? idk man they’re terrible people

8– Who’s better at comforting the other?

Ken’s better at comforting John

9– Who’s more protective?

KEN. Ken as a rule does not murder people (he just likes watching), but if there’s a risk of John getting hurt? he’ll tear the fucking world apart. especially after hauling John’s battered, BRAIN-DAMAGED body off the highway. he MAKES John wear a seatbelt now lmao

10– Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

Physical for both. John’s terrible at verbal affection anyways lol

11– What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

LMFAO. CRASH BY GWEN STEFANI /hj

real answer is How We Operate by Gomez for obvious reasons, + I also really like Satan is My Motor by CAKE for them

12– What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

they don’t. Ken might call John “babe” once in a blue fucking moon but that’s it. John calls Ken “freak”

13– Who remembers the little things?

Kennnnnn but John gets a pass he had a traumatic brain injury

DOMESTIC LIFE

6– Who worries the most?

KEN. he doesn’t express it well but he worries sooooo much abt John + them potentially being tracked down. constantly updating escape plans

7– Who kills the bugs in the house?

both of them lol they don’t care abt bugs

8– How do they celebrate holidays?

Ken drags John kicking + screaming into a Festive Mood. it was a fucking fistfight getting John to celebrate his own birthday nevermind like. actual holidays. Ken is 100% the kind of person to just hang a plant in the door to the trailer so he has an excuse to kiss John (it’s definitely not mistletoe but stfu it still counts)

9– Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

also mutual actually. John doesn’t generally have anywhere to be until dark + Ken loves any excuse to Lay On John lol

10– Who’s the better cook?

John if he tried. he does not try. Ken can cook the basics. they get takeout most of the time

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

1st dream I ever had of JA together was right after I started my new job at the tax spot, and Jay was texting me about a house they wanted to rent and was looking for a roommate to help cut the cost. They showed me this brown house with an upstairs and downstairs, but it was like near the Northside kinda...but near Kettering. I remember looking at the map thinking dang it look kinda rough in the neighborhood, but 800 something month sounded good split between 3 ppl.

The dream that night was us in this small looking house in the forest, but we were happy until we actually went outside towards our backyard and there was the trees. Pine trees to be specific. We started running towards it because we were playing a game,, idk if it was tag or hide and seek...all I know is that it felt like we both were playing, me and Jay running with Ayunna nearby running too, and then all of a sudden we had to start running back to the house cause a bunch of peopl started coming out of the woods chasing us, before we even hit the trees.

We ran for our lives, at almost full speed, but I don't remember who hit the house first and no they didn't look like zombies. It was just a burst of a bunch of people covered in black, from head to toe chasing us, going as fast as we were. I remember when I got to the house I couldn't find everyone and I told my lil sister (idk why she was there) to go check downstairs and low and behold Ayunna was whispering, calling someone on the phone as she was in the living room and I was peeking in on her through the kitchen. She said my name and said it sort of alert, but kept it on hush hush like a teacher calling a student's parent. She said "Kylee's shaking and freaking out about it."

And I think she meant it like I was ready to go home. I thought she was calling her mom, cause I didn't plan on telling my mom about moving out with them at the time.

Because I was scared and paranoid about being far away from home with strangers chasing us from the woods. I didn't see Jay when she made the phone call, Interestingly enough. I remember there was a closet filled with supplies with like an orange kayak, some sports gear, some oars, and some other stuff. I don't remember what I was looking for in the dream, I was just trying make sure nobody from outside got into the house.

Crazy right? And this was in 2019. Had I said anything, I'm sure they would have just thought it was a bad dream. The house in the dream didn't look Nothing like the house Jay had shown me. It looked sorta different, because there wasn't no carpet on the floor except in the living room. The house in the ad had carpet everywhere.

Also, as gross as I'm willing to admit....the 1st sexual dream of Jay happened in January right before we got let go of that bookstore temp job....

Jay was grinding on me fully clothed and kept grunting the words "respect it" with each ride/hump on my..... I woke up wet and confused because I didn't understand why Jay would have said that to me, hovering over me, starting with a serious face, one hand over my left shoulder, the other between my right arm and right side of my body. As if I was supposed to be scared or something....like wayyy too rough.

Now that I see it, I think Jay wanted me to respect their privacy and their body. Because around that time, I was questioning if I was even gay and how I could possibly even like them when I didn't even know if they had a dick or not or nothing at all....I was concerned and confused because Jay was taken and why was I thinking about it so damn hard for like a solid week I didn't see them at work and it drove me nuts not to know, but I couldn't ask cause that's rude. I kept trying to prove myself wrong with counteraccusations like "how can you know you're gay, when you haven't even kissed a girl? We don't know if she or they has boy parts?"

I felt really guilty about liking Jay, someone out of the spectrum and not my normal type....cause they weren't normal. They were like an alien to me, I usually could observe people 1st before talking to them and trusting them to see if we would even be a good fit or so....but in Jay's situation....i needed to do some research before I was the curious George asking too much information that I shouldn't have been interested in knowing but still wanted to know for my own sake. Like how to address non binary ppl, how to say they and use the pronouns, and xr./xrs. or etc...but Jay wanted to be called Mister later on.

I made sure I knew alot more than my coworkers to be prepared for conversation matters so I didn't come off like an ignorant associate who didn't bother to Google it before saying it out loud. Cause with anything new, I always google 1st and look on reddit for unfiltered personal opinions about stuff.

Which is still the reason why I think Jay could actually want to date/have sex with men in the future. after taking hormones so many ftms said once the dysphoria felt like it was gone and they were comfortable being themselves, as a man...they started opening back up that door they once closed towards men. Some even went girls only, to bisexual, to just gay (dating men). And there were a bit more reddit asking why there isn't as many straight ftms and why is there more ftms turning gay after transitioning....which sorta sucked to hear but I needed to know in case I had another panic attack again from being shocked from any more unexpected, extreme news from someone who always acted like they were anti-dick. Even to go as far as declining dick offers from sugarmommas they told me about.

It was gross to hear that they offered me up to that same random sugarmomma without even asking me if I was comfortable or even wanted to have sex with another stranger. Cause I sure as hell didn't. They just offered my name up to her, like they were selling me off as some hoe-sub. Being petty cause I started looking for an actual commitment on tinder.

I hated them for doing stupid, inconsiderate, uncomfortable shit like that, thinking Imma just go along with everything just because I liked them.

I'm still mad about that too. That jealous pig. Man whore themselves. They've slept with more ppl than me and had the nerve to call.me a "bedhopper" when you're the one getting yourself emotionally caught up and cheating on your girl by breaking rules she told you not too. Petty, angsty, stupid bitch with man issues. Didn't want nobody checking them about they behavior cause I guess they thought they were being overdominated.

This idiot thought I was tryna challenge their dominance (red flag #142🚩lol) when I said sarcastically "I wasn't gonna buy you none, anyway" when Jay interrupted me with "oh I don't want any candy." after I said as we waited in the avengers movie line "I should have gone to the dollar party to get some candy, had I known it was gonna be this long of a wait." They thought I was being hostile....when noooo I was just stating the candy wasn't for you, and why should I give a fuck? Lol 😆 I always do that with my sisters and parents at home. That's how we talk to each other, sarcastic assholes and smart jokes. I asked Jay is your masculinity sensitive after they called me out about making that comment that I thought wasn't offensive...but I guess it rubbed then the wrong way?? But like how, cause it was about candy and I wasn't mad at them when I said it.

They took that candy comment way too seriously. Cause even ayunna agreed with Jay that I was challenging their dominance? Like wtffff how can I challenge someone's dominance without even being aggressive, pushing a button, or getting in your face?

I think they thought I was just the nice girl who never talks back. Bullshiiiiittttt I have a mouth. I'm allowed to speak 🤣😅 fucking idiots and they thought I was the sensitive one. Jay sensitive too. Any time they felt less like a man, they took it out on us, like a lil crybaby, like a punk. But I didn't say anything....cause it seemed like anything I said to defend myself they would get into my head too about how it don't make sense.

Truly I think we just came from 2 different backgrounds, one where I was taught to obey but speak my mind. And Jay was taught that control and making others controlled by fear, while they got to be enabled to do so...was their life at home being the oldest. I never like even my own manager for doing that, controlling, poking, and bitching about stress then then taking it out on us because he has anger and commitment issues at biglots.

Jay came from "I'm the man, you're supposed to shut up and be quiet when I say it." I came from a house that woulda whooped yo ass for saying shit like that to my own momma. We don't play that shit around here and I grew up in the south, and southern raised folk. You always respect women just as proper and equal as men too. Yes sir, thank you ma'am, and do you need some napkins, that southern hospitality and respect for other people, friends, and family I was taught that. Jay must have not been taught manners and stuff like I did. My momma and daddy a mind even teachers made me be nice and be a good listener, and a good student always ready, alert, paying attention. You got off task, you fall behind in school, so always pay attention. Dad always was hard on me reminding me to do my best and treat people the way you want to be treated.

[babybirdgyeom]

got7 as friends with benefits

– basically friends with benefits becoming real lovers – this is longer than i intented it to be oops – just a lil something to overcome my writers block

𝑀𝒶𝓇𝓀 𝒯𝓊𝒶𝓃 

– literally more friends than benefits – y’all always lowkey had a thing for each other – took you two years to finally make out though – but from then on y’all never stopped again – mark was like ‘oh only until we find smth serious’ – but you just both stopped looking for smth serious at all – oops – you saw absolutely no downside to this – good sex with someone you’re totally attracted to and can talk to about everyhing? amazing – so now it’s been like 12 months since this thing started – all different kinds of sex – sometimes it would be giggly as fuck, laughter and fun included – sometimes y’all would have sex while casually talking about everything – sometimes you just had sex to cheer the other one up on a bad day – basically always looking for any reason to have sex – you both are very confused how good this works out? – you’re pretty much like a couple but both of you are lowkey too dense to admit it – all of got7 knew about y’all, you didn’t even try to make a secret out of it – other fwbs only meet to fuck but not you and mark – he constantly comes over and stays forever, would never just leave after sex – right beside you when you wake up with no intention to leave until he absolutely has to – “mark??? do you think we act too much like a couple??” – he thought about your question for a second before lying down beside you – “naaaahhh” he said laughing before giving you a kiss “we fine” – you had no idea how y’all should continue because you definitely weren’t breaking this up – but you also knew this couldn’t go on like this forever even though you’d love that – so one morning you decided to adress this situation – he was so cute besides you with his morning hair you saw an angel – when you started to talk about “how to continue” he immediately started to panic – “do you want to end this?????” – you chuckled a bit – so he also didn’t want it to end – you assured him that ending this thing between you was the last thing you wanted – but also told him that you might start to look around again and meet other ppl – not bc u grew tired of him but bc u had to look out for the future – y’all were getting old and shit – mark didn’t like this thought at all – lowkey too shy to admit that though – “but we’re having fun, why should we stop” – softest baby you could swear he was pouting – for the first time ever he stopped and was like – hmmmm why aren’t we dating in the first place – never before thought about the idea of actually dating you – because what difference would it make y’all act like a couple – but suddenly he realized that it definitely would make a difference – 100% has no idea how to deal with this sudden change of things – after some time he tries to confess – highkey fails tho – “you know i love to have sex with you” – “i think we should have more than sex” – “what i’m trying to say is------------uuuuuuhm....” – stops and just starts kissing you – but more passionately and full of love – he smiled into the kiss which made ur heart beat 10x faster – you decided to help him out a bit – “i like you too mark”

𝐼𝓂 𝒥𝒶𝑒𝒷𝓊𝓂

– when the thing between the two of you started jaebum was sooo sure he’d be fine with it – you’ve been close to him since high school, always in the same group of people – somehow though you always were friends but nothing more – maybe bc y’all were too busy with other people mostly – but you definitely became good friends in the last few years – when he was suggesting this whole idea to you you were like – jb why u tryna ruin our friendship like that – but he assured you that sex couldn’t ruin your friendship – it would just be the cherry on top – now he’s not too sure about it anymore – he loves the sex for sure and wouldn’t want to miss it for anything – but this boy started to get a bit frustrated and insecure about the blurred lines between you and him – highkey has a crush on you and hates it – tries to hide it as good as possible – you were 100% sure jaebum was the best lover you could have – but also... damn he’s cute? and lovely? and so funny? – when he smiles your heart goes whoosh – but you always tried to ignore those thoughts – because how cliche would it be to fall in love with your fwb – you told yourself on a daily that it’s just his dick game that makes you think stuff like this – y’all said that you wouldn’t just sleep with other ppl unless you met someone you actually could see a future with it – “if we horny we can just call each other” – one time you were drunk on a night out with got7 – and jaebum may have slipped a lil drunk i love you – and you knew he was drunk and didn’t mean it – so you both laughed it off but since that moment everything changed – feelings were involved and you both knew you had to face them sooner or later – but tbh he tried to do it as late as possible – so ofc jaebum was going home with you in secret like always – and your usually rough sex was different all of a sudden – jaebum could be sensual???? that was new to you – he apologized for being so soft afterwards hshshs – both of you were laughing and talking the whole night – you were almost certain that jaebum also thought this could be more than being friends – until he ghosted you for a week after this night – and you wanted to kill him, fucking idiot – but ofc as soon as he wrote you again you were like – yea no prob dude :) – bc sadly you had no reason to be mad at him – bc he wasn’t your boyfriend – and slowly you started to hate that he wasn’t – definitely made up for ghosting you for a week – “let me take you out to dinner i’m sorry” – tells you he had a few rough days – in reality he didn’t write you bc he thought it’s the easiest way to get over it – jokes on him he’s a fool in love and he realized it by now – has the hardest time with it – bc im jaebum???? in love??? that wasn’t normal – but you made him soft – also best ‘i’m sorry i missed you too’ sex ever – gets frustrated afterwards – bc he loves not only your boobs but also ur lil soft heart – goes down on you while confessing hshssh

��𝒶𝓇𝓀 𝒥𝒾𝓃𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓃𝑔

– no one knew that you two were kind of a thing – jinyoung never really labeled it as “friends with benefits” to you – one thing just lead to another one day and suddenly you all were making out in his bed – which was fine to you, no complaints – but in the beginning you were completely confused, not knowing where y’all stand – was this a one time thing? – were you becoming fuck buddies?   – he actually likes you a lot you were a hundred percent sure – but damn you knew him long enough to know how complicated jinyoung is when it comes to feelings – constantly has to talk to you about this whole situation – “(y/n) i’m bad for you we shouldn’t do this anymore” – “i don’t want you to miss the opportunity to meet someone you could like (y/n)” –  you just rolled your eyes whenever he started this nonsense –  not because you were annoyed –  you just wish he wouldn’t think that much and just let things happen – “we’re fine”, you always tell him – it was cute that he wanted the best for you but... you wanted park jinyoung – you knew this since a long time – you also knew one day he’d man up and ask you out properly – he just needs his time and you were willing to give it to him – and secretly jinyoung was very aware of this too – he wouldn’t just start screwing someone who’s as close to him as you – he cherished you and was more than thankful that you two didn’t need words to communicate – both of you hated to be so careful whenever you went out with the boys – “we should just tell them” your drunk self thought this was a good idea – as you were in a small room, pinned against a wall, jy’s lips all over your chest – “and then what?”, he asked placing another kiss on top of your breasts before continuing, “yugyeom and bambam would never shut up.” –  you knew he was right – but it would make things so much easier – “jinyoung” you said softly finally making him look up from your breasts – “you know you love me”, your drunk self said teasing him – he laughed before giving you a soft and sensual kiss – still chuckling he went down your neck again – “i’m sorry, i’m busy here”, he said avoiding the topic – but his laughter was enough for you – it just made you sure one more time that you were right about him – if he wouldn’t like you he would’ve said it – so you had to be patient with jinyoung – which was fine considering the fact that you’d still get to sleep with him all the time – he never left in the morning before you were awake – that would be disrepectful towards you in his opinion – it kind of was his way to show you he cares – because you knew he’d usually always sneak out immediately after one night stands – if he couldn’t sleep in with you he’d wake you up shortly to say goodbye – there was always a goodbye kiss involved even though he hated how cheesy that is – he couldn’t help it with you – he was constantly afraid that someone else might snatch you away from him – it didn’t matter that he knew you liked him too – it sometimes killed him that he couldn’t just man up and finally ask you out properly – he loved this friends with benefit thing you two had going on – sex whenever someone of you felt like it – but no room for fights or stuff like that bc you weren’t dating – months after this little thing between the two of you started he decided that it was finally time – you put up with his bullshit for long enough he thought – even though he still was afraid of commitment he wanted to try for you – also he knew that this one colleague of yours was trying to take you out – he couldn’t let that happen – another thing was that he was afraid you’d lose your patience – so finally after all he took the next step one night after sex – he was still inside you, his breath still heavy as both of you tried to calm down – his lips were finding your neck as his arm was around your waist – “i think i’m ready”, he whispered in your ear – “anal?”, you joked, making him laugh out loud – “i actually thought about making you my girlfriend.” he said, still chuckling a bit – “jinyoung”, you said surprised, not thinking it would happen anytime soon – he gave you a kiss, smiling into it – “i love you (y/n)”

𝒥𝒶𝒸𝓀𝓈𝑜𝓃 𝒲𝒶𝓃𝑔

– jackson wang was making you go completely crazy – you swear you were going insane soon – it started out simple – you and jackson met up every now and then to frickle frackle – you remember thinking you won the lottery – like look at jackson he’s a whole meal – eternal beauty mixed with a body that knew how to move – and wow, he knew what he’s doing – but that was the problem: jackson was literally perfect – you both said that you were friends with benefits and nothing more – well apparently to jackson wang that meant coming to you with your favorite chocolates – sometimes he’d pick you up and you’d drive around the whole night talking and listening to music – he’d never leave without saying goodbye – always texts you after sex even if it’s just smth small – “last night was amazing” – “hope you have a good day, don’t let your boss annoy you” – “write me if you need anything” – that perfect motherfucker straight up made you fall for him – sounds perfect doesn’t it? – but jackson just wouldn’t ask you out properly – it was all fun in the beginning – like damn y’all even had the same kinks – “this is all i need” jackson once said before falling asleep beside you – those mixed signals left you wanting more and more – within weeks you knew you were in love with jackson – what you didn’‘t know is that he felt the exact same way – at first he thought the amazing sex was just messing with his mind – but the way you looked at him and him only made him realize that this was maybe more than friends who had sex every now and then – he told mark about the whole thing and mark immediately was like – a giggly child which made jackson feel all giggly too – and as they were sitting on the sofa all happy you walked into the room – mark immediately stood up and out of nowhere hugged you – “you’re so cute (y/n)” – “wtf mark” – before you could ask anything he was already gone – “what was that about?” you asked jackson while sitting down next to him – suddenly he did something he never did before – his hand was in your hair and he gave you a soft and slow kiss – of course he did that before but not with the other guys in the same house – “jackson what if the others come in?”, you asked in shock wondering what was going on – he shrugged and looked you in the eyes, a satisfied smile on his lip – “they going to find out sooner or later” – “find out about what exactly”, you asked him confused – was he planning to tell the guys about your fuck dates – not that you’d care but it didn’t seem like smth he’d do – he usually never talked about his feelings – he was someone who showed how he felt instead of talking about it – “about my feelings for you” – you choked on literal air – suddenly you were talking feelings – so you weren’t delusional the whole time – he actually liked you – good for you tbh since dating jackson literally is like hitting the jackpot

𝒞𝒽𝑜𝒾 𝒴𝑜𝓊𝓃𝑔𝒿𝒶𝑒

– tbh being fwb with youngjae the most unexpected thing ever – you two been friends since ages – he knows your whole family and you know his – both of you were like it’s probs not a good idea – but you did it anyway – you never were interested in him back then – until one day you looked at him and realized   – wow youngjae rlly isn’t a boy anymore – he is a man now – suddenly you caught yourself staring at him at every party – blushing whenever he looked at you for a bit too long – he used to be so shy and cute – well at least that’s what u thought until he was kissing you roughly, pinning you against the wall outside of your friend’s home – but youngjae had many different sides to him – sides you never knew about before getting involved with him sexually – a cutie that always takes care of you and your needs – just wants you to enjoy and relax during sex – but 10/10 still knows how to get what he wants from you – sometimes he wonders how tf he managed to become your fwb – not bc he doubted himself just bc – he lowkey always had a thing for you – he also knew it probably was a stupid idea to go into a friendship with benefits with feelings from the start – didn’t care though at least he could finally have you – you both agreed that you were in it for the fun – no jealousy, no drama, just good sex in addition to your friendship – he was in heaven bc he loved how easy going it was – definitely wasn’t making a big secret out of his feelings tho – your lil deal never said smth about no feelings involved – the cheekiest of them all – sends you a good morning text every single day – always surprises you – you know no one would believe you but king of sexting – one time he wrote you that he needs one of those long hugs that turns into sex – and u were like HUH? choi youngjae? – basically this turned into your first of many sexting sessions – at the beginning you were 100% sure you wouldn’t develop feelings – uhh well by now you definitely had to admit you fooled yourself – one time while having very good sex you may or may not have called him babe – which maybe didn’t sound like a big thing but you usually never used nicknames – so midsex he just stopped being confused hshsh – he smirked a bit though, not able to hide   – “i like that”, he said giving you a small kiss – so suddenly you and youngjae were calling each other honey and babe – not much later you were resting your head on his shoulder in front of the boys – secret handholding at movie nights, sneakily under the blanket – until someday you just started casually talking about future plans together – the lines were getting more and more blurry – “are we friends?”, you asked him one night before falling asleep – your head resting on his naked chest, his hand playing with your hair – “yes, forever and ever” – his voice was soft like honey, he didn’t even had to think of an answer – “but are we just that? just friends?” – he let out a sigh, his thumb slowly stroking your cheek – “i don’t think you can be ‘just friends’ with someone you’re in love with”

𝐵𝒶𝓂𝒷𝒶𝓂

– you and bambam were messy as fuck it was almost amusing – everyone knew about the two of you – you even joked about it in front of others – “yoooo (y/n) rdy to suck this dicc tonite?” – starts laughing and apologizing right after – when it all started you remember telling bambam ‘just this once’ – until you found him in your bed again the next day – oh and the day after that – and by now you and bambam were constantly over each other – things were going really chill most of the time – y’all had fun, spent loads of time together – sometimes naked, sometimes dressed – y’all acted like it was no big deal and you were just friends – but every now and then you find yourself staring at him – wondering if he always was this beautiful – sometimes he laughed and you had to force yourself to think about something else – the members all kind of just saw you as a couple which was also pretty dangerous – one time you were texting with a guy from home – and jackson saw and was like – “bambam!!!!! who’s he why is (y/n) writing with him” – and bambam was like trying to ignore but you could swear he disliked it – but you never knew what he really thought – like whenever y’all were drunk he’d just be like the biggest flirt – you remember one time when you were at a party and making out outside – and he kissed down your neck and just telling you he loves you – ‘you’re drunk, we’re friends’ – at least that’s what you tried to tell yourself – ‘oh are we? i don’t kiss yugyeom like that you know’ – but then y’all never talked about it again – texts you at the most random times – sometimes all horny like – ‘i am in front of your house and coming upstairs get undressed’ – other times just in the middle of the night like – ‘did you know that cats sleep 16hrs a day?? i’m jealous’ – ohh talking about jealousy – bambam’s biggest flaw – he hated how jealous he was like he knew it was a problem – especially considering the fact that...y’all are not a couple – you talked to him several times about it – mostly bc u liked to tease him – and he was so shy and cute about it you never saw him like that – “listen i know!!! it’s stupid” – basically he’s just so jealous because you are not his – and if you meet someone else he’ll lose this fwb relationship – hates to admit it but he actually likes the thing you two have going on – “it’s chill” – you hit him “chill? what a nice way to describe having sex with me” – he laughed and tried to change the topic – but you wouldn’t let him – “bambam, do you like me?” – he just rolls his eyes – “ofc i do why would i sleep with you” – “but do you like like me?”, you asked teasing, looking at him with big eyes – “i changed my mind i fucking hate you” – breaking news: he didn’t hate you – he liked you so much it was k i l l i n g him – one time he dreamed of you – nonsexual – it was just you and him looking at the stars and you confessed – ever since then it was all he could think of when he saw you – but ofc he always played it cool in front of you – remember that one time he told you he loved you when he was drunk – truth is he barely drank that night – he knew exactly what he was saying but he knew how drunk you were – secretely hoped you don’t remember – until one time you and him were watching a movie where a dude confessed to a girl all drunk – and you were like remember WHEN YOU DID THIS – and he was like “uuuhm nnnnO?” – so you told him every detail of that night bc u truly thought he forgot – as you were halfway through he stopped you – “(y/n) i know exactly what happened” – leaving u confused af – “why did you lie???” – “bc u didn’t say it back” you could swear he was pouting – suddenly you froze... did he mean it? like actually mean it? – you never even considered that he was serious – long story short that’s how your fuck buddy became your boyfriend

𝒦𝒾𝓂 𝒴𝓊𝑔𝓎𝑒𝑜𝓂

– both of you have absolutely no idea how this could have happened – you never planned to even have sex in the first place – but the way he danced got you and the way you smiled got him – you decided to get rid off the sexual tension before it became unbearable – jokes on you bc it just made you want to have more – so you two found yourselves in the same situation over and over again – enjoying a night together and having endless fun – once the two of you started you wouldn’t stop – like there were times when you were just up all night having sex – with cute breaks in between where your head was resting on his bare chest – his hand tangled in your hair – it always feels so right even though it seemed so wrong – you and yugyeom definitely were trapped in this situation – of course the easy solution would’ve been to just date each other – but neither one of you dared to say it out loud – you hated when he left the next morning – yugyeom also hated that he had to leave – both of you were always afraid that this could be the last time before everything ends – dramatic headasses tbh – but once his lips touched yours you couldn’t get enough – no one knew about your secret little thing – which turned out to become pretty hard – you always had to sneak away in private – bambam and jackson were constantly on the mission to get you a boyfriend which didn’t make it easier – yugyeom wouldn’t admit it but he hated it when they tried to set you up – not even bc he wanted you just bc they were being so noisy about it – at least that’s what he told himself over and over again – long story short you two were obviously into each other – and the amazing chemistry you had in bed made it even harder to act like you didn’t – two weeks after your first kiss with yugyeom you already feared that it’s gonna be over soon – one time in the middle of the night u just had to wake him up to talk – “yugi i rlly don’t want this to ruin our friendship” – he immediately took your face in his hands, giving you a big smooch on your forehead – “i’d never let anything or anyone ruin us...especially not myself” – you often wondered how one night you could just have sex for 6 hrs – and the next night you wouldn’t even kiss, just both in bed, talking, laughing, making memories – he was always so sweet to you – making you feel more loved than any of the guys you actually dated – waking up next to him in the morning could end in two ways – dick sucking or cuddle sessions – you were both with fine – kingggg of eating you out tbh he could do it for days – and as much as you enjoyed the sex – and also the affection – and just being with him – you slowly gave up on the thought that he’d actually like you or ask you out – it was hurting you a bit if you were honest – so one day you decided for the sake of your friendship and your heart you needed to end this – “no why would we end this?” – the horror on his face was real – “(y/n), don’t you like me anymore?” – it broke your heart – “i think i like you a bit too much” – he took your hand, making your heart flutter – “then why would you end this rather than take the next step?”

[couch-house]

Wow people like that anon are why we need to be more educated about manipulation via self-destruction. We all need to understand and know that if we constantly, repeatedly "make" someone feel bad enough to consider harmful actions just through TINY contradictions it might just not be us and we don't have to put up with all the stress, discomfort, depression, etc. that comes from it. And sometimes it's really obvious when it's manipulation, it's not NEVER an option.

exactly bro. i’m gonna do something real fun and talk about my abuser, who did this for years! under the cut

so im just gonna come right out and say it so i dont gotta give him an epithet every time, but his name was dibby/dib. he goes by a different name now i think but from what ive heard it seems like ppl r familiar with him by that name as well. w/e for his privacy i guess ill just leave his current name out of it. anyway i knew and was friends with/dated dib for about 7 years before we cut each other out.

ANYWAY dib had/has legitimate mental health problems, yes, but he also chose to use those problems as excuses for his manipulative and abusive behavior. dib had bipolar and would experience dramatic mood swings. unfortunate but normal and okay! if you experience mood swings and suddenly feel overwhelmed by sadness or anger, you probably know that, if you recognize this as a disorder, you should let the people around you know, tell them how you’re feeling, and do what you can to manage the situation.  dib would instead say “oh no i feel a mood swing coming. :( quick, distract me!” which, again is a clumsy but fair way to handle that, EXCEPT when it inevitably failed to cheer him up, he would blame us for failing, call us bad friends, insist we didn’t care about him, and isolate to only talking with his favorite person (for a while that was me). 

when dib got upset he would blow up, block me for days or weeks, and then later when he calmed down and felt lonely he’d add me back with some half-apology and assume everything was fine again. here’s a list i kept of things that upset him and had this result! it was called “things not to do”

tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

fail to tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

ask dib if it’s okay to do things

talk to him when he’s feeling antisocial

offer critique when it isn’t asked for

ask dib not to do something

talk to him in the tags (when not friends)

spam things he doesn’t like/isn’t involved in ((the relevant examples are bug blogs, bunnies, and the pbs kids show arthur. not because they trigger him, just because he doesn’t like them))

talk about/mention people that are my friends that he doesn’t like

offer solutions when he just needs confirmation

make it about you

yeah. keep in mind every one of those bullet points corresponds to at least one time he either faked his own death or blew up and blocked me for a week.

the bigger problem though was his suicide ideation. dib had a pretty shit life and pretty shit mental health and unfortunately was legitimately depressed and suicidal. he needed help but, living in america, really couldnt afford it most of the time. this is okay. if you or someone you know is unable to get medical health for depression or suicide ideation you know how hard it is to live with. sometimes there’s not a lot you can do and that person will Just Be Depressed an just Want To Die and theres not a lot you can do to help, even if you try your best. that of course, is not the problem with dib. 

the problem was repeatedly, starting i think when i criticized him for pushing everyone away by insisting no one cares about him and not putting any effort towards others, would make some vague allusion to feeling suicidal and abruptly log off and stop answering messages. this can be an okay way to deal with yourself if you’re upset BUT. THE NEXT DAY, after i frantically thought he was going to Attempt and repeatedly messaged him to try to deter him, check on him, ask if he was okay (he really just went to sleep, which again is fine), he decided to PRETEND TO BE DEAD.  he told his gf and maybe one other person he was alive but threatened them to stay quiet and pretend he was dead or he WOULD commit. so his gf at the time had to play along and all of us then-kids were freaking out that our friend had died, only for him to decide later that he’d had his fun and he could now announce “no i just logged off for a little bit :)”

he did this. many times. make some allusion to wanting to attempt then abruptly stop answering messages, knowing what people would assume. (this was one of the pieces of testimony i did not include verbatim in that rk post: i was told rk would do very similar things; part of why i thought the post was necessary. ive lived through the other side of that and i dont want ANYONE else to). i think two separate times that he did this, i was sent home from school early because i was crying so hard (my best friend let me think i was responsible for his death. he did this on purpose. he did this repeatedly. thats fucked up)

one time he posted a supposedly queued suicide note post! and all my friends were terrified he’d died! so i remember someone anonymously messaged kylee henke asking for advice, and i (who at the time he was mad at and had already blocked) got fed up with it (again because he’d done this so many times and i knew by now that there was no point in getting upset, he was just doing it for sympathy or attention or w/e) and messaged his mom on facebook asking her to check on him. he was fine, just like. crying in his room. also sidenote he got BIG MAD that someone told his mom and was posting when he was found out liek WHO TOLD >:( n i was like :)). bc bro if ur really abt to attempt i have an Obligation to get someone irl to check on you and protect you. but obviously you werent since this was like the 20th fucking time youve done this 🙃

he was a huge pizza shit for other reasons too but the main relevant one was that he would use his mental illness as an excuse for his deplorable behavior and blame others for things literally no one can reasonably do anythign about and then constantly and i DO MEAN CONSTANTLY use his own life and suicide ideation as a trump card.

anyway if you know someone who repeatedly threatens suicide or pretends to commit suicide by purposefully alluding to it before ghosting you, or posting a suicide note meant to blame others, you need to get out of there right now. that is not okay and you should not be dealing with that. ive taken years to get used to the idea that if i criticize my friends, they won’t kill themselves

[klaus-is-the-real-number-1]

She’s Electric (Number 5 x reader)

54A/N: wowowow so im not smart at all so hopefully i pulled the whole fake smart act because im pure clueless :))) hope yas enjoy :)) still havent posted the playlist of all the songs because my spotify has my full name and am not that commited for ppl to find this soo. and i also went a bit off like i hope this is what you want lmao.:)) stay fresh. (ok so you have powers in this and its more like portal jumping rather than spatial jumping so you like create holes and jump down ? if that makes sense(also if anyone gets the date hmu))

ASK: jellyxfulll:hi could you please do one where the reader is really smart, likes coffee and sarcasm (legit a carbon copy of him) like five and when he meets them he’s absolutely smitten ? i have a lot in common with him anD i wAnt to bE loVed bY mY fiCtionAl chAracteR

Words: 2146

Black coffee steamed in it’s mug as it sat out in the open, wind swirling it in different patterns. The swirls of steam looked like it was dancing a tango, as if the beat it was dancing too kept getting faster and faster until a sudden stop and the steam disappears, signifying the end of a dramatic dance. 

Black ink stained up the side of your hand as you furiously wrote away, you just couldn’t get the equation right and you couldn’t use your powers, not yet. You were on the run from the commission as they wanted to use you for your powers, it was a valuable asset, time travel and dimension jumping, the Handler said it could open a whole new market for them but once you refused they came after you. 

You’d got the equation wrong while you were running and you got stuck, you got stuck somewhere, an abandoned world that hadn’t been looked after. Years and years passed with you stuck in the wasteland of a world until the Handler came back but you couldn’t say no otherwise you’d die alone with no chance of seeing your loved ones again. So you became a killer to survive, you kept to yourself. In that world it was kill or be killed.

After years of service you thought you had the equation, endless nights of black coffee and sleep deprivation you thought you’d got it right. All you wanted to do is go and see your family again but next thing you knew you were 16 years old again and stuck in some random dimension but it was a start. You had removed any form of tracker the Handler had on you back in 1854 after completing your last mission.

During your time in the small town you’d managed to get a small job to rent a tiny one bedroom apartment, it wasn’t the best but it would do for the time being, until you get the maths right.

You let out an exasperated sigh, slamming your pen down on your scribble ridden page. It was a bright but nippy day meaning you could sit outside in peace and be uninterrupted. Griddy’s was always quiet on week days, the perfect time to go for a black coffee and just go over everything that’s happened, it’s good to do that sometimes, just to think and remember.

Reaching for your coffee, you underestimated the distance between the mug and your hand resulting in the mug falling. You open a portal under it so it falls right into your hand and take a sip, placing it down gently in it’s original place. 

“How did you do that?” A boy was suddenly next to you, an excitable expression present on his face. He looked about the same age as you, but he had a look in his eyes, like he’d seen some things.

“What do you mean?” You ask, pretending to be confused, taking another sip of your coffee. You watched as he pulled the seat opposite to you out and sat down crossing his arms and legs simultaneously. He looked at you with a slight smirk.

“You’re y/n, aren’t you?” He leant back in his chair, scanning you up and down. “I’ve heard so much about you.” His eyes could tell 1000 stories but you could tell that he had no one to tell, no one would understand.

“huh, interesting, I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t really know who you are.” You say matching his movements but making sure you can have easy access to some form of weapon of he attacks. For all you knew he could be part if the commission finally catching up to you.

“I’m Five, ex-commission.” You narrow your eyes at him as he sticks his hand out, you take a glance at his hand. You reach out but just before you meet his hand you grab the handle of your mug, bringing it to your lips. Fives hand drops and he lets out a breathy laugh, crossing his arms again.

“I would introduce myself but you seem to already know who I am so I guess there’s no need.” You give him a sickly sweet smile before taking another sip. You had heard a little bit about Five, he had a similar story to you,stuck in an apocalypse, ran away from the Commission to see his family and tried (and succeeded) to stop the apocalypse.

Five couldn’t believe his eyes when he first saw what you did with the mug, there was only one person who he had heard that could do that, y/n. Five had heard rumours upon rumours about y/n, an example of some is that she was the most deadly killer the commission had ever seen and the prettiest person the universe had ever seen, and Five couldn’t agree more. He couldn’t imagine you ever killing anybody, your hair loosely hung with strands tucked behind your ear. Five took in your soft features, the warmth of your eyes and the freckles that littered all over your face and arms, presumably from the years in the apocalypse.

“It’s rude to stare.” You tell Five, not even looking up from your writings. Out of the corner of your eye you see him shift uncomfortably, averting his eyes. “Listen, I don’t know why you’re still here but if you’re lying about being ex-commission and are here to try and kill me I think you should reconsider your options because we both know who will make it out alive.”

“I’m not lying about being ex-commission, I know what it’s like and I think I can help you with getting back.” Locking eyes with Five, you saw the sincerity in his eyes. He held out his hand, you think about the worst possible outcomes from this situation, you take his hand. 

You had never travelled the way Five normally does, you just were not used to it. As soon you reached the desired destination your knees gave out and a wave of nausea washed over you. A retching sound made it’s way out of your body as you cover your mouth with shaking hands, as if that would stop you from being sick.

“How the fuck do you travel like that?” You almost shout at Five, staring at him from the floor, you didn’t even know where you were, you didn’t care. Another wave came over you again along with a banging headache. The one thing that you were grateful for in the Commission is that they let you travel how you wanted, the first time you had used a briefcase you could’t stop shaking and being sick which wasn’t the most efficient if you needed to complete a mission.

With a flash of blue Five was holding a glass of water crouched down next to you. “Here take this.” He held the glass closer to you.

“How is making me sick going to help me get home?” You say cautiously taking the glass from his hand. You sit up straight and try to take a deep breath in.

“Just show me your equations, I’ll see what I can do.”

Days turned into weeks, then weeks into months. The more time you spent with Five the more you began to forget about the equation. Truth be told, you got the right equation about 3 weeks into working on it with Five. After years of being alone you liked spending all this time with Five, you were both equally as emotionally deprived as each other, both in need of a friend who you could relate to.

Feelings for Five was also a newly developed emotion, the more time you spent with him the stronger these feelings got and all of his family could tell. You had met the Hargreeves on many occasions, often getting comments about how much you had made him come out of his shell since he stopped the apocalypse. But it’s not like you wouldn’t do couply things, if that was even a word, you would hold hands, cuddle and exchange compliments back and forth all the time. It was done so casually, as if you both didn’t know what to do with your feelings.

You were currently laid down with your head in Fives lap as he absentmindedly ran his fingers through your hair, occasionally twirling stands in his fingers. It was a summers day, natural light streamed through the open window, giving the room a natural glow. 

“y/n,” He lightly taps your nose. “You’re really pretty.” 

You smile, leaning into his touch. You knew you had to tell him at some point, about the equation, you just didn’t know how. Sighing, you sat up and faced Five, you noticed in the past months how his features had softened from the hard, brooding looks he used to give.

“Five, I’ve found the equation.”

“What?”

“I’ve found the equation.” You repeat with more force. “But I’m torn, I don’t know what to do.” You searched his face, trying to read the emotion. “I miss my family so much. But I don’t want to leave here, you’ve shown me theres so much in this timeline.” His face dropped.

Five didn’t want to sound selfish but he didn’t want you to leave, the past few months had been the best time of his life, he’d found someone who understands him. Y/N never questioned his coping mechanisms, you had actually made him accept his own past and move on with his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without you. Five eyes began to sting, he felt a wave of sadness but also anger, he felt himself getting warm, an uncontrollable range swept over, consuming any other emotion that was in it’s way.

“How long have you had it for.” Five had a quite voice, not looking you in the eyes.

“A few months.” You watch as Fives fist clenched. “Five I-” But he had cut you off.

“So you’ve just been leading me on.” Five eyes met yours. They weren’t the soft, welcoming eyes you had come to love, they were cold, hard and shut off, the only emotion you could see in his eyes was anger.

“What no, why would you-”

“Maybe you should just leave.” Your chest sank, Five let you go from his grip and stood up. He looked like the killer you had only heard about mere months ago, he didn’t look like your Five anymore. “Just go, y/n.”

So you did, no arguments, no questioning, you had gone. As soon as you left the room Five caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror but the reflection wasn’t him, it was the killer that he thought he’d left in the Commission, he was his clenched fists and cold eyes. He couldn’t believe he spoke to y/n like that, looking like this.

“Y/N!” He called out, he was in a cold panic. He kept calling your name out, traveling to your work, your house, all your favourite places but you weren’t there. Five had been told that you handed in your resignation at work and your flat was cleared, you had gone home.

Five didn’t know what to do with himself since you had left, he was constantly thinking about the what ifs, what if he acted differently, what if he didn’t snap. You had been gone from Fives timeline for almost a year, he didn’t have much to remember you by other than one picture that he had on his bed side table. The picture was taken by Allison of the two of you, you had both fallen asleep on the sofa downstairs, you looked so peaceful together as Five held you in his arms. 

He fell in love with you in the time he had met you, the complexity of love confused him but he wanted to figure it out with you. He loved the way you talked, how you carried yourself, your smarts, your personality, everything. It was a cold night and Five wasn’t able to sleep, he just laid there staring at the ceiling. There was a strange noise, a noise he knew well, y/n. 

“Hey Five.” You were breathless, it had taken you so long to find the right equation for the frequency of Fives timeline, to see him again.

Five couldn’t believe his eyes, you were really there. Without a second thought Five leapt out of his bed and crashed his lips to yours, he pulled away and tightly wrapped his arms around your frame.

“I’m so sorry y/n. I’ve missed you so much.” You couldn’t agree more, leaving was an impulse moment of anger, there was a gap in your heart that only Five could fill. “y/n, I love you so much.” He held your hands, his eyes were soft again, filled with love.

“I love you too.”

[feelin-woozy]

Maybe the cast having a crush on their future s/o who is the last person anyone want to have a crush on. Because they're a casinova/siren who afraid of commitment (until they met their new lover) and can spot a crush from miles away but instead of confronting them They act oblivious and do things to rile them up like innuendos,whispering softly in their ears,striking a suggestive poses etc

Sorry I had a hard time understanding this ask. I’m going to write about cassanovas though bc that’s what I’m feeling. But cassanovas are like wildly different than sirens so that would just,, make this answer rly messy if i was trying to do both.

Asra

Imagine he’s already won you over once, but when you die and come back he has to do it all over again.

On one hand, it’s kinda fun and nostalgic to see you like this and win you over all over again but at the same time it’s terrifying. What if he doesn’t win you over again and you fall for someone else?

He gets really riled up when you grab him by the waist, whispering suggestive things into his ear. 

Gets pretty upset when he sees you do shit like that to others but holds his tongue.

So much fucking relief when y’all start dating again though lmao.

Nadia

For her, it’s a bit thrilling. She has someone who is giving her attention but not bending to her will to please her. Bc I doubt many people would do smth like this to the count

The more attached to you she gets, the more this behavior begins to irk her. She wouldn’t let you know she 

She would eventually ask you to be hers because she doesn’t want to share you. If you decline, she’d be upset but respect that, if you accepted she’s elated.

Julian

He would act in a similar fashion. Maybe not as much as you, but he’s one of those ppl who flirts with everyone. It’s not always flirting as in I’m into you but he’s a flirt.

Also afraid of commitment so that would make things that much harder.

I can see that leading you two to being super casual, just like fwb kinda deal until one of your caves and is like ‘pls date me, i actually love u.’

Portia

“Oh my God, I’m dating my brother.”

Not actually but she’d be like ‘this is eerily similar to how Julian acts.’

So she would not find it as endearing and amusing as everyone else, if anything it annoys her.

She’s not looking for someone who is gunna beat around the bush like this, she wants to be with someone who knows what they want.

Muriel

Does not like this. Does not find it enticing. If you’re trying to get with Muriel than this is not the way to do it at all.

You probably wouldn’t even find yourself in a situation where you could do this with him bc he’s never really in a place where you can go be a romancer to others and him. 

Either way, this would just irritate him and make him lose interest in you.

Lucio

Will make him insanely jealous. 

Like this is a one way ticket to him, pinning you to a wall with a violent kiss murmuring about how he wants you to be his and only his.

So if you’re acting like this around Lucio once he already fancy’s you, it’s gunna be pretty short lived.

He’s not going to make you be his obviously but if you decline he’s gunna want nothing to do with you lmao.

[monolid-monologues]

Wtf is going on - Part I.

#12.

READY OR NOT..............

The next three weeks feel impossible. 

My KNEES are KNOCKING.

TOO MUCH IS HAPPENING

Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m losing my mind lol. I’m going to take myself through this week by week. Breaking up my next 3 blog posts into a Three part series, and i’m going to slowly tread wtf is going on.

1.) MY JOB, MY LIFE

Karina and i drove LA >> Oakland >> LA in one day to audition for 5 minutes. LoL. We’re crazy and we know that. The troubling fact is this job means quitting my current one and moving to Oakland.

In February at the festival in Oregon, we were invited to audition for Kaiser Permanente’s Educational Theatre. They employ actors to perform shows for kids.

It pays more than my current job. It is less stable than my current job.

I’m TERRIFIED of having *that* conversation with my dad, and my office.

Desperate to avoid a serving job (having worked them since i was 16), i approached my dad for a job at his company. He knows about me and theater. He knew to be cautious. He asked me commit 2 years. I promised my dad 2 years; it’s only been 6 months. There’s a voice in my head chiding me for even considering this new opportunity.

And part of me is very very resistant to the reality of this new opportunity. Moving to Oakland means moving away from Robin, from Heather, from my studio, from all the work i’ve been doing in L.A to lay down some roots. Working full time at a corporate theater. Suffering bay area rent. Potentially losing my dad’s support (he is helping me with car and insurance payments). And pouring so much time into someone else’s theater. And potentially neglecting my own dreams -- risk of being too burnt, busy and broke to manifest my own theater projects. Not to mention all my fears around the importance of artistic freedom to me and needing to comply with a higher authority for paycheck’s sake (literal nightmare). And i just, might, very well, possibly, end up hating the job. 

I fear breaking my promise. Going back on my word. Owning up to the fact that i am not the loyal bitch we hoped i was. I fear these feelings of betrayal. I fear upsetting my dad and losing his support. I fear the disrespect i am slamming on my director & cecillia’s time and energy and trust in me. I fear that there is no “good” decision, but i can see Regret sitting atop my worst case scenario and i’m afraid that it doesn’t even really matter how things go, whether i stay or go, it’s all a sticky situation. 

If i get the job, but don’t go, i am still at the office. Sitting. So much sitting............clutching my small studio time like the life jacket it is...

If i get the job and want go, well, fuck, that’s a lot of, fuck. Can i put my independent theater dreams on hold? Is this experience worth pursuing? Is it worth upsetting my entire life here? Wow. Since when did i get so attached to my life here? I’ve worked so hard since i’ve been here, to seek, and seek, and plan, and build. I’ve been planning for my life here in L.A. I NeVER imagined relocating this soon. Turning my life upside down when i’ve literally JUST managed to get it looking right-side-up. f$&%@#$!

OKAY Normally, i’d wait to see if i got called back to start worrying. But this opportunity requiring 600 mile drives, requiring me and karina to rearrange chunks of our lives, to even be considered for the job, makes every step in the audition process so costly o_o.  We’re asking ourselves “if we do get called back, how are we even going to get there?”  We’re investing and sacrificing for a huge Maybe. Even pursuing the possibility is TOO MUCH!!!! yet here we are. Why? Why am i this crazy about a maybe?

L.A.’S BEEN GROWING ON ME. AND I MIGHT NOT GET THE JOB. LET’S KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID -- 

Tomorrow, we will find out if we’re called back. If we’re called back, the one thing i need to do (the scariest fkn thing ok) is ask for another day off (to secretly attend). If god blesses me with a Yes and my director is NOT fed up with my bullshit, the next thing is figuring out how tf to get there.  And that’s it. That’s it. That’s it. For now.

* * *

An interlude.)

What changes when i decide i’m tired of doubting myself? Staying off social media is a great relief. I stepped back because i was starting to carry some duty to entertain or cater to the tastes of the people who engage with what i post. The anxiety that begins to stir between myself and thoughts of people far away -- with heavy social media comes this baggage we pick up and hold nearly voluntarily. 

Just as we are curious how someone else’s life is going, we imagine other people are curious about ours. 

We second-guess what we want to post.  When it’s about what we want to share in the first place. How anybody receives it is their business. Leave them tf ALONE, LOL. Leave YOURSELF alone!

If it’s your career, you chase one of few formulas. If it’s your hobby, you draw from these formulas and mix in your personal flavor of “idgaf”. And if it’s mostly irrelevant to what you do/what you want, you’re not even bothered. *shrug* 

Every fuckin body will tell you, people who don’t frequent social media are happier. 

Do you think so? Do we think so?  I’m skeptical.  It’s easy to believe, given how much (admit it) time and attention social media sucks. But actually? Let’s be clear: who can know? Lol. The very point around people who don’t use social media is they are beyond the reach of our prying eyes. They are safe, much less susceptible to the wandering imagination of a distant relationship. They are out of bounds. 

Sometimes i wish i was that kind of person. Whoever that means.

I’m not. 

There’s something about getting to show something to hundreds of people. There’s something about connections waiting to be made. Paths that could cross. Click-holes where we lean outside of our usual environments. We are open to exposure and being exposed. We are creative with our public image. We narrate our own lives. We seek others’. ThaT PART. That part. “I will engage!!!!!!!!!!” 

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with social media?

What does that look like?

There’s so much in our culture that discourages social media use - from mental health to physical health - we are told every day what the pitfalls are. We know it ourselves in living our lives. The common denominator to these warnings is usually over-consumption. Too much. Much too much.

If we are using social media, we are at risk. We know the risks. We live with the risks. ALAS -  we believe we can manage the time/space distortion that the social media universe rips into our lives. 

With social media comes this massive gravitational pull sucking us into a manufactured world. This tech, as far as i’m concerned, insanely complicates our lives - adding data to bodies, instant X long distance everything, and a level of productivity concerning online metrics that is often inversely proportional to our productivity offline. 

The most estranged relationships continue to fizzle quietly with mutual following. Our brains buzz “To post or not to post”. And our eyes are getting tired, our thumbs sore; our time and attention sinks and slips away from us. Like retribution for the discontent, disinterest, and laziness we risk habituating with social media.

We give access and have access and the ride is crippling or energizing depending on whatever people or time in your life. 

Do the rewards outweigh the risks?

* * *

II. SHOWTIME

IT’S GO TIME.

While i’m floundering in the dark about my job, my life, March is ending soon and come April comes the premiere and one-month-run of my new production, 1-800-PERFECTION. 

This is my first show in socal. My first show outside of Davis. My first full solo work. My first script-based PLAY in YEARS.

March Timeline:

meeting with studio manager to settle performance dates (today)

last full rehearsal (3/24 SAT)

tech rehearsal with Heather (3/30 SAT)

preview performance w/ talk back (3/31 SUN) YOU’RE INVITED. rose.artrat@gmail.com | please come! TIME: 1-3pm LOCATION: 1183 Kraemer Blvd, Anaheim, CA

April Timeline:

Dress Rehearsal  (week 1, TBD)

1st Show (week 2, TBD)

2nd show (week 3, TBD)

3rd Show (week 4, TBD) Tickets: $12 venmo  (seat reserved) or $10 cash at door (exact change!!!)

My radical marketing plan is to do it in person.  I wanna shit my pants thinking about it, but i’m determined to go out there into public places and invite people to my show face 2 face. I will certainly let you know how it goes. The experience may turn up a giant dumpster fire. :-)

Common questions when opening a new work include: what if ppl hate it? what if i hate it? what if no one comes? what if this is the end of my reputation as an artist as we know it? as i know it? what if i’m not ready? 

What if i didn’t rehearse enough? THIS ONE’S BEEN HAUNTING ME.

My best friend asks me how long i’ve been working on this play. I tell her i can afford 20 hours of studio time a month. It’s been almost 4 months now. And then she’s like, isn’t 20 hours...less than a day?  *brain explodes* Have i only worked on my show for LESS THAN 4 DAYS? IS IT LIKE THAT? 

It has been living, growing, changing with me day to day. But of course, 20 hours is really it of dedicated work time/space. 5 hours a week. 

I am used to working 30 hours per weeeeeek on a show.  that’s what i’m used to.

....................................................

I remember when i first found this studio offering exactly what i was looking for and could afford, i was ELATED to get 20 hours a month. Considering the ZERO work i was doing my first 2 months back in LA -- Getting 1 step closer to where i would be today - on the cusp of running a whole original ass show - was mooooreee than enough. 

But this is honestly one worry out of SO MANY, literally so many, that it’s all looking - sounding - and feeling increasingly ridiculous. because there’s just so much. *laugh cry emoji* * * * I’m never going to forget what i signed up for. Everything on my plate, i set up for myself.

Was i ready for all of this? No. Did i dream this up and seek its fruition? Hell yes. Even i know that only time will tell me What was What.  So, i will take it one fkn day at a time.

Maybe this is a lesson to follow your dreams no matter what, precisely BECAUSE you’ll never be ready for it. I can’t imagine being ready for what i’m going through these days. There’s no fucking way i could’ve known how stickyyyy things could get when i made my first studio payment in December, or asked my dad for a job in October.

But go through with it, we will, because we’ve reached the point where we must. I’m. Not. Looking. Back.

BUT I AM REALLY TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF MY HEALTH WHILE I’M WHIZZING ACROSS THE STATE AND PREPARING ALL THE SHOW THINGS. WISH ME SOME HONEST LUCK ON THAT.

So, I don’t have a dramatic poignant closer for you on this one. Let’s, uh, give that to Part 3, when we wrap this whole mess up. (ie. is Oakland rlly happening? how was canvassing the brea mall to advertise my show LMAO? did i lose my damn mind, or nah?)

Hi.  I just want to say, thank you for reading. Really. thank you.

I think my writing is suffering from the craziness atm.

* * *

i’ve committed to being vulnerable in writing every week.

previous letter: #11. detox,

drop me a line

http://monolid-monologues.tumblr.com/ask

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[hirakdesherrani]

I was going through your blog, and you seem to criticize Shivaay a lot. But you don't seem to criticize Om as much who is no good either. I know Om started out good but after his character was butchered, there is no difference. At least Shivaay has shown a great character progression, and as of now he is the better man and husband. Not to attack you, 'cos I know everyone has their favs, but Omkara has flaws too.

Okay, so this ask has been licking dust in my inbox for weeks now. At the cost of seeming rude, I didn’t answer it ‘cos I just didn’t know what to reply, and tbh, didn’t feel like replying either.

Anyways, I’ll try now.

First things first anon, this is the first time someone has implied that Omkara is a fav of mine, which is farthest from the truth. Most of the times, I’m accused of hating on him ‘cos I’m blind Gauri stan, who’s white-knighting on her behalf (or so ppl believe). Secondly, LMAO anon, if only you had bothered to go back to posts I made last year, you would’ve seen how much I’ve criticized Om, much more than Shivaay, believe me.

Coming to your statements, lets see.

(Disclaimer: I’m in no way comparing abuse and saying who’s the worst among the two. Both are pathetic and don’t deserve the blessed presence of ‘any’ female in their lives, AniRi toh bahut dur ki baat hai.)

For the Shivaay v/s Omkara thing you mentioned:

As a husband, Shivaay >>>> Omkara. No explanations needed. (Post-their resolution of conflicts)

As a man, Omkara >>>> Shivaay, for the simple reason, that when Gauri told Omkara to GTFO, he accepted her decision and left. Unlike Shivaay, who took it upon himself to decide Gauri’s fate, because he thinks that he knows what’s better for Gauri than Gauri herself, which is damn patronizing. That Gauri chose to forgive Om is her prerogative, Shivaay orchestrating the kidnap was wrong. What if Gauri did not want to return to the Oberoi hellhole, then? Would he have kept her in the Oberoi mansion against her will, just to make his brother happy? I found the whole thing hard to digest, it was funny no doubt, but the underlying message was problematic.

As for character progression, well of course Shivaay has shown greater progression, because in the beginning of the show he’s a damn sociopath. Shivaay starts out as this Lucius Malfoy kinda character, who has rules about blood and lineage, who is proud about his ‘Naam, khoonn, khaandaan’ (just like pureblood nonsense) and calls Annika “road trash” (‘Mudbloods’?). Shivaay starts out from the very bottom, so obviously his growth will be greater. Omkara has his flaws, but as a character he was always better than Shivaay. Even in DBO when he was at the very worst of his graph, he still intervened to save a girl’s life, who he judged and hated, because that was the right thing to do. 

Both Shivaay and Omkara were put in the same situation re: Tia and Gauri. Both of them suspected that Tia and Gauri are lying about the pregnancy, and both had just cause to suspect. However, Shivaay never took any interest in Tia’s pregnancy, which made sense, because Tia was trapping him and he knew the child wasn’t his. It was Annika, in fact, who saved Tia from a miscarriage and actually cared for the baby indirectly, when she had all the reason to hate Tia and the child, because Annika is a kind soul.

Compare this to Omkara, who though acted as the judge, jury and executioner and decided that Gauri was not fit to mother that child (asshole!), but still actively cared for the unborn child who he suspected was not his own. We, as an audience, knew that Shivaay is right in his place, and Omkara is wrong in accusing Gauri. But as characters both Shivaay and Omkara were at the same situation, that is, they were unaware of what the other party had in mind.

Another reason why Shivaay’s character progression or redemption, has better sketched out, is because he is acutely aware of all the wrongs he perpetrated against Annika. Each and every instance, from suspecting Annika of selling the video to the media to the Daksh fiasco, every single misunderstanding has been cleared. But Omkara is not even aware of all the wrongs he committed against Gauri. Till date Omkara does not know the whole truth about Kali Thakur. He still only has a vague idea that he misjudged Gauri, that maybe she was forced into the wedding. The fact that Gauri was kept in chains, she was about to be married to three grooms, they were planning to make her their common sex slave for life, all this is still unknown to him. Even the buamaa truth, that Gauri was not lying when Kali captured Buamaa or even the fact that Gauri was not attempting to drown Buamaa in the swimming pool (for which he called the cops); all this is STILL unknown to him. How can he make reparations for everything he did in DBO, when he doesn’t even know the extent of all his sins in DBO?

And again, at the cost of repeating myself, even at his worst, Omkara did not derive any diabolic pleasure in ruining Gauri’s life. Unlike Shivaay, who put Annika in jail just because she refused to apologize for his arrogance. Annika would still be rotting in prison, if Dadi hadn’t bailed her out and Omkara hadn’t knocked some sense into Shivaay. Shivaay repeatedly fucked with Annika’s life and tried to make her miserable only for his ego. Annika was always at Shivaay’s mercy because Shivaay always used his power to abuse Annika.Contrast this to Omkara, Gauri was never at his mercy. Gauri was held hostage by the situation and had to return to the Oberoi mansion to save his dumb ass, but she was never at Omkara’s mercy. He did not make it a hobby to make her life difficult because that gives him sadistic pleasure. Omkara just wanted to get rid of Gauri and throw her out of his life. Which still makes him an asshole, but in all ways better than Shivaay. It’s just that Shivaay appears better than Omkara during DBO and after, because Shivaay was at the highest point in his character arc that time, while Omkara was at the lowest.

Coming to the last thing you mentioned about character flaws in Omkara. Sure, Omkara has a LOT of character flaws, you’re absolutely right there, anon. And those flaws are there even in IB 2016, its just that the audience puts him on a pedestal without analyzing his character properly, which is why the fall in DBO seems much more evident.

His biggest flaw is that he is STUPID. Like all the other problems and minor flaws emerge because of his sheer stupidity. Okay, that came out wrong. Omkara in the beginning of IB, is a Kalidas kind of character, who cuts the branch on which he is sitting. Unfortunately, stupidity is not seen as a character flaw, so most of the audience let it go. No wonder Om gets conned all the time, by Roop bua, Ishaana, Riddhima, Ranveer, etc. 

Because he is stupid, Omkara cannot understand the nuances of human beings. All his associated flaws, be it seeing things in black and white, or truth and lies, is because he cannot see the ‘grey’ or the ‘in-between’. To see and understand the grey, one needs brains and that Omkara does not possess.

Another thing is that most of the fandom thought that Om is more gender-equal than his brothers. But he has always been pretty misogynist from the beginning. 

Omkara put women in boxes. One was the good but victimized women (Box A): Jahnvi, Annika, even Pinky to an extent, who tolerated a lot of BS from their partners. And the other were women like Riddhima, Ishaana, Tia, who lied or used men for their own benefits (Box B). Of course, the worst was Svetty who was the ‘home breaker’ in his eyes. The first time he was confronted with this issue he chose to break up with Riddhima and Shivaay had to intervene and explain him that people are not good or bad, there is also the grey. The funny thing is that Om, who judged women harshly, never held Shivaay to the same standards. If he judged Shivaay in the same way, then he would have to put him in the category of bad people, which he refused to do. Hypocrisy much?

The second time when Omkara faces a similar choice, is when Mallika ran away from her wedding. Omkara categorically says that what Mallika did was wrong, even though he understands what compelled her. Again in that situation its Annika who makes Shivaay see sense, because Annika is an empathetic person. 

The thing is, whenever Om clashes with a ‘bad’ woman a/c to his judgments, he reacts badly. He was about to hit/get violent with both Ishana and Riddhima when he came to know of their betrayal. In both the cases, his brothers intervened and stopped him. Similarly he manhandles Svetty, after the whole engagement fiasco. 

The audience never held him accountable that time, because these women were wrong/used him. But the point is that even if these women were wrong, Omkara was also wrong in misbehaving with them. Manhandling or threatening assault to any woman is never right. 

This flaw comes in sharp focus only when Omkara meets Gauri, because unlike the other women before her Gauri is blameless. 

You mentioned the butchering anon. I know we all talk about how Omkara did a 360 degree in personality in DBO, even I say that. But in all honesty, he wasn’t butchered in DBO. His dark side which was suppressed in IB, came out in DBO. Like I explained before, Omkara was always violent with women who fell in category B. That coupled with his stupidity, which is why everyone cons him, spelled disaster for his equation with Gauri. 

If I have to be critical, Omkara was butchered badly only four times in the show (IB+DBO). When he throws money at Gauri’s face and crashes his car into her shop, when he leaves her to die at Kali Thakur’s hands after Chulbul reveal (which undid the very fact that he saved her from the villagers in similar situations the first time), when he shows complete lack of regret/guilt after Gauri leaves him post-inspiration argument and when he was drinking hot chocolate and going off to sleep after returning from Bareilly (instead of properly angstying and expressing regret in solitude) 

Coming back to the misogynist flaw, Omkara by the end of DBO did not know in which box to put Gauri in: due to all the lies and what he saw in Bareilly, he wanted to put her in Box B, but Gauri also put her life at stake multiple times to save his ass which confused him. On top of that, Gauri is not like Jahnvi or Annika who will stay with him despite all the shit he pulled. Gauri leaves immediately after the inspiration fuck up, which puzzled Omkara because Jahnvi never left despite the shit Tej did or Annika did not leave despite how Shivaay continued to insult her after their forced wedding. Annika in fact asked Omkara and Rudy to forgive Shivaay for the forced wedding BS that he did. [One reason why Omkara and Rudy misbehaved with Gauri, Soumya and Bhavya was because they internalized Shivaay’s behavior, ‘cos they saw that Annika forgave him despite everything, so they never expected these girls to dump their ass.]

I know a lot of people felt Omkara was OOC in many scenes in DBO. But actually on second thoughts he was like that in IB too, its just that in Ishana’s or Riddhima’s cases it was a one-off incident, but Gauri was forced to continue living in his presence to save him from Svetty and Buamaa, which made Om even more suspicious and thus, even more violent/verbally abusive. 

Baar haal, when you say character progression, sure Shivaay has progressed a lot from where he began. Omkara by comparison, had character flaws which he overcame post-break up with Gauri, when he realizes how wrong his stereotyping has been all this while, and how messed up his ideologies are. He learnt his lesson, and tried to implement that too, when he himself resorted to lies (as Dilpreet) to win back Gauri’s forgiveness. Character progression is more marked in Shivaay’s case because he started as a villain and went on to become a decent human being, whereas Omkara was in general a decent guy, with faulty judgments and anger management issues, which he sorta overcame. Of course, his stupidity cannot be cured. If one is stupid, then when is stupid, iska koi iilaaj nahi hai. Which is why he has a smart brother and wife to take care of him. 

I know you were not ‘attacking’ me for my choices, anon, but I thought to make it clear anyways. And hopefully, after this longass reply, nobody sends me an ask about the Obros, because writing about them just shoots my blood pressure.

[actiasteeth]

angsty relationship asks: david/ryan

do they have a lot of arguments? if so, over what? so so so many. typically ghosting / lack of communication and “”needing space”””””. later: “pls stop trying to fucking kill me.””

who apologizes first? in what way? is it hard for either of them to apologize? seeing as ryan’s generally the one in the wrong,,,,,, he’s the one who Should be apologizing first. a lot of the time tho, he leaves it up to david or he apologizes w/o Explicitly apologizing b/c he has trouble owning up to being a shithead. ryan just gets softer and more affectionate w him, tries to do sth to make it up to him. a lot of “pls i didn’t mean it”” / “”forget abt it”” / “i love u”””.

which one has more insecurities? over what? david. probably abt whether or not he’s actually done sth wrong to warrant being treated poorly.

who gets more riled up? do they show their anger? nnnnn. it would depend on the context?? both of them are capable of showing their anger, lmao.

how do they hide their pain when they’re upset? do they try to hide their pain? on the rare occasion that ryan is not the one in the wrong he’s verbally v quiet abt being upset. he p much goes silent and gets v tense and untouchy. it takes a while for him to rly find the right words to be like “hey this upset me”” b/c on some lvl he’s always gonna feel like he deserves it.

who tries to make up first? does it work? ryan. he can go from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye if he’s over it. will try to act like nothing fucking happened. it’s,,,,,,, iffy at best.

would they hate-fuck if they were mad at one another? if they had a falling out? eeeeeh. theoretically ryan could be into this but in practice he closes off when he’s angry so probably not. they’re all abt that make up sex game tho.

do they hold grudges? is it hard for them to let go/forgive each other? david does more so than ryan. once ryan is over sth, once he’s had the time to process it, he’s over it and doesn’t care to revisit it.

is there something big that could potentially tear them apart if it was revealed? no?? i mean there’s a lack of communication sure but they don’t rly keep things from each other??

if something already happened to tear them apart, what would make them come back together? is it even possible? main verse, i think they’re p much doomed. breakup au?? there would need to be a solid exhibition of Growth mostly on ryan’s end—in his stability, in the way he handles situations, in reeling in his vices. david would have to trust him to be better.

what’s their favorite pass time when they’re upset? leaving mean drunk comments abt himself on david’s videos.

who do they confide in when shit hits the fan (besides each other)? ryan always goes to his sister loren if he goes to anyone at all. 70% of the time he’s gonna keep that shit to himself tho.

is it hard for them to talk about their feelings openly with each other? if so, is there any way that can be resolved, even in the slightest? david is more open than ryan is when it comes to Real Shit. whenever ryan is gearing up to vent abt things he just ends up sitting there saying nothing. ryan needs a couple drinks in him before he starts talking tbh.

who grieves more when the other is away? david.

who misses the other more, or really thinks about them more? also david. it’s not that ryan doesn’t think abt him or miss him, he’s just less inclined to let it bother him.

do either of them have a special item (an article of clothing, a necklace, a book) that they use when they miss the other? if so, what is it? what do they do with it (read, wear, look at, smell)? ryan’s absconded w enough of david’s clothes,,,,,, he wears them around the house p much 100% of the time tbh, even when he’s not Highkey missing him.

who cries more? who gets more emotional in general? is this evn up for debate?? david. it’s david.

do either of them have the other’s stuff lying around their house? feel like david would be more inclined to leave shit lying around ryan’s.

how about teasing? do they tease each other while in a fight (whether it be with themselves or just general teasing)? unlikely. they generally take their fights p srsly?? unless it’s like clearly a fake argument then 5000% yes to both.

do either of them have any vices? ryan drinks too much and gets progressively worse as their relationship deteriorates.

what’s the thing they miss most about each other? ryan doesn’t usually miss one thing abt david in particular??? if he’s missing him, he’s missing him as a whole. if anything got to him in time tho, it would probably be the lack of physical touch. as shallow as that sounds, lmao.

what’s their go-to breakup/angst song? for ryan, trouble by cat stevens.

who’s more jealous? neither of them rly. like, sure, they’re falling apart but it’s not like there’s any legitimate fear of unfaithfulness or anything of that sort.

who is the first to forgive? again,,,,,,, not that david is the one who needs forgiveness, lmao. but ryan will convince himself that things are david’s fault evn when he Knows they aren’t; will then proceed to drop it and be all “””i just want us to be ok,, dw abt it”” ?????????? whom’st’ve’d.

what’s the one deal breaker for either of them (lack of communication, fear of commitment, etc)? lack of communication, def. and being “””needy””””””””.

who would take longer to let go? do they ever really “let go”? both of them get an F in letting go (see: the breakup au). never in the 4yrs that they were apart did ryan even Try to move on or let go. like did he date?? sure. but he never went into it w the mindset that it would last and the Smallest things fucked him up on how Wrong everything felt and how Not David everything was and he just,,,,,,,,,, No. also main verse????? david won’t go into the fuckign light and insists on terrorizing ryan instead???? double F in letting go.

which is more afraid of confrontation? neither of them are a fan.

who’s the first to distance themselves (if either)? u kidding?? ryan.

who’s more patient? is it hard to break that patience? david. he put up w so much, pls. that said, ryan likes to think he’s p patient w ghost!david but That is too little too late.

who’s the first to blame themselves? david. ryan will shift blame off himself evry chance he gets even when he Knows damn well he’s in the wrong.

who’s more likely to do something out of spite? both.

who would be the first to say they hate the other? would they mean it? ryan. not to his face but he def told his sister that he hated him not long before david died. he didn’t mean it for a single second. even when he starts being a shitty demon abt things ryan still doesn’t hate him. he clings so hard to this ideal version of david that,,,,,, idk if there will ever come a time where there isn’t this part of him that’s so incredibly deep in love w that version of him.

who worries more? in the grand scheme of things, probably david. but i don’t see either of them as particularly big worriers.

what scent reminds them of the other? firewood. warm sugar syrup. asphalt.

do they have any regrets (regarding the other, or just in general)? ryan regrets taking david for granted. he regrets not actively trying to better himself regardless of always arguing that he was “”Trying””””. he regrets that he couldn’t commit himself to having a proper Talk abt how they could begin to fix things. not spending more time w him. not giving him the love he deserved.

who’s quicker to walk away if a situation gets heated? ryan generally backs off if david starts crying??? but if they’re just having a yelling match and no one is crying,, it just goes down until it doesn’t.

who is more prone to anger? ryan. he’s more irritable at least, so small things can set him off.

who cries more in an argument? do either of them cry? david obvs. ryan cries After the fact when he’s alone but p much nevr in front of david. he Will cry in front of ghost!david tho b/c it’s not like he’s got a choice.

does it take a lot for it to get to the point of yelling? no,,..,,..,….,,,,,

who sleeps on the couch? can either of them sleep without the other? ryan sleeps on the couch but not rly b/c they’ve been fighting. he’s just restless and gets frustrated if he’s lying there for too long trying in vain to sleep. that said they can sleep w/o each other (ryan isn’t exactly the biggest fan of cuddling anyway) but they Do appreciate the idea of waking up together so,, while it’s nice when it happens, it isn’t Necessary.

who’s more likely to protect the other? ryan??? in that if someone is talkin shit or sth he will Pounce both verbally and physically if he’s gotta.

if one of them gets injured, who worries more? i mean ryan’s out here encouraging david to do risky shit, Sure, but he’s like,, halfway joking and if david gets so much as a Scratch u bet ur ass ryan is tending 2 that shit. whenever they’re play fighting or w/e ryan is also rly conscious of letting up if david shows any sign of discomfort. i think ryan is?? generally???? less inclined??? to get injured????? but he will straight up Fight ppl if they push him so idk,, david might have reason to fuss over him but it’s Rare. he was probably a whole five and a half messes after asking david to teach him how to skate tho.

who would be more afraid of the other’s death/harm? LOL. i feel like this wasn’t rly a thing they worried abt Legitimately?? then it Happened and,, rip.

who ends up yelling first? are they always yelling when arguing, or do neither of them yell at all? 50/50 depending on what the argument is abt.

who would be more likely to save who? i wld think both of them wld make efforts to keep each other safe?? can’t speak for ghost!david’s problematic ass.

who stays up at night brooding? ryan’s insomniac ass.

who has more dreams/nightmares about the other? ryan has a lot of both after david dies. if u thought he wasn’t sleeping well Before,, that shit got 100% worse. he hates both but the good dreams especially always choke him tf up.

who comforts who after a bad dream/event? ryan before. now, no one.

do they think about each other a lot? does it affect their performance/schoolwork? in the earlier days of their relationship ryan was so bad at work, especially if they had plans for after he was off. he was constantly checking his phone and sending not-so-sneaky texts. catch him zoning out thinking abt him too. if david ever surprised him at work he always came back late from his break, lmao. he was bad in other ways when shit started going downhill in that he was absent and cold and quick to snap at anyone who breathed in his direction.

if one of them were to come back after a long time, who would come to who? would it go well? would the other person take them back? don’t think either of them would actively seek the other out?? i.e their reconnection would have to come as a coincidence. this goes abt as well as u would expect. both of them are some part willing to take each other back but,,,,, there’s def some hesitation there. ryan doesn’t trust himself to not fuck up all over again and sometimes it’s like he’s watching himself frm the outside. he keeps slipping up and making moves and trying to get david into bed but he always ditches before they have a chance to get Too Deep into feelings. eventually he ends up spilling his guts ofc (“””i’m still so fuckign in love w u u have no fucking idea”””) and they eventually bite the bullet and decide to try again. how well That goes is up for debate.

[silvermccloud]

here goes my long emotionMessage

OK SO LOOK this is something that has been on my mind a lot. It’s been 5 month since i lost something near to me. Something i love dearly. someone who i can see in my future. I mean techinally called my ex but i don’t like that term so we shall call her my past lover ok. First let us take it bavk a bit. We met 4 years ago in a church and we got together in a movie theatre after a sniff of the nose. Yes i sniffed her nose to ask her out. Judge me all you want. Anyways we were fine for the most part thru out our entire relationship until that one dreadful morning. This is the morning i let her know i was talking with another female. I can hear the oohhs and awhhss and the fuck that nigha comments being made already ok ok cool. I did wrong. I hurt her baddddd! i mean bad i mean almost committed suicide bad. I told her that morning there is this girl who i was talking to. we are going to call this girl ‘lil mouse’. lol anyways i talked with lil mouse for a month. Lil mouse was cool but not wifey martial for me so from the get go i knew this girl wasn’t it. Well why did you leave My past lover for lil mouse you ask? well as i looked back at the situation i liked her because of her mind. how she thought and all that. My past lover at the time was literally down my throat about seeing my phone and trying to find dirt on my phone that wasn’t there. i didn’t like that. Plus we lived together so i would work and she would be at home. House dirty but watching netflix. That is why i left. Bad thing was i did it after her birthday…. I just didn’t mean for the other girl to be there. that was my fault. i’ll take the blame. i beat myself up over it every fucking day of my exists. Anyways, after a month we get back together and i plan on trying to mend the wounds that i gave her. 7 months went on and i thought hey we are back to our normal selfs. That is when the arguing started. We argued so much about dumb stuff it made no sense. I argued to the best of my abilities to keep us together so i thought but apperantly that spit us apart even more. she was feeling the after affects of the who Lil Mouse thing so i guess she was second guessing the get back together. i argued because I wanted my feelings to be heard so much. They simply weren’t. i couldn’t stand it. it go so bad that one night i yelled i’m done with you and bring me back my keys. Thus begins the last days of J&S vs the world. After seeing my wrong i fly to her house to apologize. get she lives about 30 mins away from me and i got to work in the morning but f it. she means the world to me. so i make it there and she doesn’t wanna talk at first. finally comes out because i talk about suicide. i legit weep for like 30 mins just to hear i think we should go on brake. next day after work i go over there and she tells me. she wants a fully break up. pain hasn’t settled in but i am just like ok just keep me in your life. Thus begins my depression(I’ve had depression for a while she was the one to keep me away from it) but she talks about our break up on social media and it got guys attention. she post his messages on social media and has no problem doing so. I get worked up about it. she blocks me from her social medias. I go to work one morning then get a call that she got in a car accident. Car accident lead to me taking off dang near a week of work (We are still not together, nor did i spend the night) that night they let her out the hospital. i let her sleep and a person’s name pops up on her screen with kisses and all this extra shit so after she wakes up( btw, this is her first night back) i ask her about the guy and she says it is no one. Turns out, she calls me a lame and tells me to get my charakas in order since i am worrying about this guy. i got a feeling he is more than a friend. my feelings are usually right.( i find out i was right a week and a half later.) later that day(first night back from hospital night) i felt like a fool for caring for this girl and she got a nigha on the side waiting and it hasn’t even been a week in back up or it has but too early for a damn near 4 month break up. Later that week i ask her why she is putting me thru all this pain she said this is what you put me thru and i am going to put you thru the same. I was fine with that, i suggested it so i would rather take my L like a man. Ok cool. i am thinking after she feels her wrath is done we get back together. haha WRONG AF! she continues to try and find new guys and leaves me in the dust. during this time i got the lowest point in my life. i never thought the body could produce so much water. i started cutting myself (she did to) and i tried to commit suicide 2 times.(very unsuccessful. God had a purpose) She was part of the reason of this want to die( i still do) but i always had depression. we don’t talk for a week or so(before that we were suppose to work on us being a couple again. I write and record a poem. send it to her. she listens to it but no reply to the message. (in the poem i ask her does she still want the passenger seat before i drive down the road of life) Months pass and i get a call from her just telling me about life and how she missed me. so here i am like AYYYYY!!! can i finally get her bavk?!?!?! but at the end of the convo she hits we with the Idk if i still wanna date you spill like come on, wtf. (During this time she wasn’t talking to anyone) We fast forward to now, i been feeling something inside me push me towards her all the time now so i been calling her , texting her good morning text , and i even wrote a long ass note to give to her. Bought her flowers. the \weird lovely dovey time shit right. So i ask her about what is up with her and me? she tells me she still isn’t feeling me and she is lowky talking to someone. I said wtf!!!??!?! you.. were.. whatever. I feel i will never get my chance. That is real. What we had and i feel like what we can make is still real. I mean i am human. shit happens. I mean not bad shit like that but i mean ugh.. i have days i feel we are then others we aint and the we ain’t started coming in lately. all i know is when i try to be like her and move on something pulls me back and points towards her direction and then from there i can’t get her out my head. this shit fucks me up everyday and i feel myself climbing back into my dark place. i think i want to make this work because i can feel deep down that she does but is scared to try it again. I am fine with our relationship being rocky for some months to a year as long as i know that she is here and not going anywhere. I have ppl tell me all the time that we are gonna be together forever. or that’s your wife just give it time. Idk i don’t wanna feel like this anymore. It has always been her and noone else. ugh.. send help.

[tieflinglich]

Get To Know The Blogger!!! 

tagged by @sapphicattack​ TY!!

LAST

1) Drink: iced coffee

2) Phone call: to my sister to ask for.... coffee.

3) Text message: a picture of jumbo sized playing cards which followed a series of emojis

4) Song listened to: aw heck man im Pretty Sure it was some weeby shit

5) Time you cried: Incredibly Recently, lemme just say that

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated somebody twice: ive barely dated anyone lmao

7) Been cheated on: nope!!! thank heck

8) Kissed someone and regretted it: yes yes Yessssss

9) Lost someone special: if you mean loss in a more general sense than Hell Fuck Yes

10) Been depressed: thumbs up emoji for days

11) Gotten drunk and puked: uh. debatable? i drank a bit too much vodka and had a little bit come up but that mightve been unfortunate biological happenings which popped up as well so probably a yes?

THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS

12) Pink!

13) Gold

14) Orange??? like an orange-ish red. Sanguine.

IN THE LAST YEAR YOU HAVE YOU

15) Made new friends: yes!!

16) Fallen out of love: ive fallen out of affection at the very least

17) Laughed until you cried: oh my god yes, its the best kind of laugh tbh

18) Found out someone was gossiping about you: last i heard someone was gossiping about me was like high school man. i would hope that im enough of an Uninteresting Person that ppl dont really pay me much mind like that.

19) Met someone who changed your life: shruggo. id say no bc most folks like that i met Sadly before the one year mark 

20) Found out who your true friends are: ᕙ( * •̀ ᗜ •́ * )ᕗ

21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: bro i kissed like one person on my facebook and thats the One Time I Regret

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook friends: probably abt a hundred at a generous estimate bc most of it is familial ties tbh

23) Pets: one!!! i put pictures of him all over instagram lmao

24) Want to change your name: i dont get why this is in how many/much. how many times i wanted ot change my name? legally, Loads!! socially? a few times but im pretty good with Jack.

WHAT

25) Did I get for my birthday: i got a package of pierogis and Midnight on dvd, plus some hair dye and a pillow with the cool sequins on it that changes color with the direction you move them. its black and has like. iridescent colors on the other side that reminds me of a peacock and i LOVE IT.

26) Time I woke up: about nine-thirty, but i didnt get outta bed till noon.

27) Were you doing at midnight: i was like ten tabs into the bleach wiki

28) Can’t you wait for: HOPEFULLY BEING ABLE TO VISIT FRIENDS IN APRIL

29) Was the last time you saw your mom: a few minutes ago

30) Was something you wish you could change about your life: oH bOY

31) Are you listening to right now: silence because the last episode of TAZ just ended and i forgot to put on the new one

32) Gets on your nerves: when you need to eat and you remember you need to eat and go downstairs for food but forget in the middle of looking for food what you were doing and go back upstairs but then remember like two hours later that you needed food

33) Talked to a person named Tom: i knew a man with a sculpted chest named tom from like. deviantart that i added on facebook i think and i dont know if we’ve ever talked but that was back from like middle/high school era so.......

34) Is your most visited website: tombl

35) Elementary school/primary school: i went to Two of them and the second one is why i hate the song Danger Zone

36) High School: i remember watching madoka magica till i had to run to class at noon and it was a truly Magical time

37) College: i miss having a cool and dark little bed nook..............

38) Hair colour: red! bleached and dyed a few months ago, tried to redye it recently. 

39) Long/short hair: the front is about shoulder length, the back is about just touchign the neck.

40) Crush: weeps

41) Do you like about yourself: -

42) Piercings: snakebites!

43) Blood type: bro i dont even know

44) Nickname: artichoke fetish child, vodka dad, The Jack

45) Relationship status: single

46) Zodiac: Pisces

47) Pronouns: he/they

48) Favourite show: i mean i still like Steven Universe

49) Tattoos: FLEXES ARMS. I WISH........

50) Left or right handed: right!!

FIRST

51) Surgery: My leg! My lehhhhhhhg!!!!

52) Piercings: lower lip

53) Best friend: uhhhhhhhhh good pal named who actually got me Super into drawing, storytelling, and roleplaying!!

54) Sport: i think it was soccer for a few years

55) Vacation: Orlando!!!! or Mississippi??

56) Pair of shoes: tiny kid shoes???? i guess?????

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: nothing!! 

58) Drinking: n... nothing.....

59) I am about to: read more wiki articles or Draw

60) Listening to: The Adventure Zone: Petals to the Metal!!!!!

61) Waiting for: WHERE IS SLOANE I LOVE SLOANE

62) Want to see: my friends!!

63) Want to get married: yeah sure! one day, eventually?

64) Career: ive never even had a job yet b r o

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/kisses: both

66) Lips/eyes: i mean i like/notice..... lips more........

67) Taller/shorter: i like taller but EVERYONE I KNOW IS TALLER AND ITS HELL. MY FRIENDS ARE ALL GIANTS.

68) Younger/older: older, even if its by just a few months.

69) Romantic/spontaneous: i mean. i really like a planned-out event but that can Sometimes happen on the fly........ ish............................... mmmm

70) Nice arms/nice stomach: these arent really things ive ever thought about. lots of stomachs are nice if you can See Them but like. i guess i shoudl say i am Weak for Muscle.

71) Sensitive/loud: i mean, you can be sensitive and loud. why not both?

72) Hookup/relationship: relationship

73) Troublemaker/hesitant: ive never committed a crime but i enjoy being spontaneous as opposed to finding someone who is just as awkwardly hesitant as i am.........

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed a stranger: no but i got kissed by one lmao

75) Drank hard liquor: my name is vodka dad

76) Lost glasses/contact lenses: i have LOST THEM SO MUCH and then panicked only to find them sitting on my FUCKING DESK

77) Turned someone down: i mean. i havent really been asked?? so i dont think so???

78) Canoodling on a first date: i dont know what canoodling means but ive never actually been on a Date so no.

79) Broken someone’s heart: not that i know

80) Had your own heart broken: hahahahaa

81) Been arrested: no

82) Cried when someone died: i honestly do not remember

83) Fallen for a friend: shhhHHH

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: no

85) Miracles: i swear to god i was about to make a Stupid Reference but ye

86) Santa Claus: i am santa

87) Kisses on a first date: ¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿????????? do you mean for me or for others bc that doesnt seem like a situation id be in and also dont tell other people how to date

88) Angels: poses dramatically

89) Love at first sight: lmao nah mate

OTHER

90) Best friend’s name: i mean i got a few names

91) Eye colour: dark brown

92) Favourite movie: i really like Kiki’s Delivery Service

ayyyyyyyyyy idk who to tag. do this if you want??? i guess?????