#fucked up little moments of grief but also hope and the will to prevail it all

[cloakchameleon]

going through a “god I wish I could just make a dnd group” wishful thinking moment because if I HAD the energy to, I could very well attempt to make something with my headworld in order to explore it more with other people

[bromcommie]

♥️ 👻 💕 for the wrting ask game? hope you're having a good week!

Hi hi, thank you for the ask! Hope you're having a good week as well :) ❤️ What is your favorite line that you’ve written in a fic?

Oh, god. When I reblogged this game I didn't realize how hard it would be, lol. I don't think I can pick a single line overall, but here's a line(s. Okay, it's a tiny paragraph, sue me) that I like from a chapter about Steve and Bucky in Naples during the war I'm reworking atm:

There has to be a kind of solace in this, he thinks, raw. Some kind of reassurance in the fact that there are things ancient here crumbling away slowly, with a quiet surety; not from senseless violence, just time. That amidst the grief, the stubborn memory of a life lovingly lived prevails.

👻 What is your wildest headcanon?

Aw, fuck, I'm blanking on this. I honestly don't even know what constitutes a wild headcanon, haha. Tbh I feel like there's very little that can surprise me anymore coming from the sprawling tapestry that is the Cap fanon, and my HCs usually fall under the "generally accepted" category so. No clue. The first thing that came to mind in terms of canon fix-its is this vague idea I had about Steve attempting to save Natasha when returning the stones but something going horribly wrong and his body and mind being scattered across space and time like the world's trippiest piñata, and him then having to piece himself together with the eventual help of others. That's not necessarily wild nor a HC though, just an interesting challenge and a way for me to be able to live with canon.

(The second, slightly more amusing thing that came to mind is that at some point in the future Bucky absolutely casually starts ~something~ with Steve at like the Brooklyn Public Library—partly because fine, sue him, he's a sappy bastard and moments of quiet joy together get to him, and partly because he's also an asshole and a riled up embarrassed Steve also gets to him. Which again is not wild at all, just based on the very real life experience of, well. Hearing people fucking at the Brooklyn Public Library, lol.) 💕 What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

My knee-jerk response in terms of prose has to be it's never over (hey, orpheus). Even though I've posted so little of it so far I've been writing it on and off for about 2 years now, it's spawned the two other standalones I've posted, and it's my baby. A baby I am stuck on, constantly banging my head over and changing my mind about every two days as my writing has changed a bit since I started it way back when, but still my baby nonetheless.

But realistically, the work that I actually like the best is the beloved name, exiled. I don't know if that's cheating since it's not exactly prose and has zero functional plot, but it's the only fandom related thing I've ever written so quickly and in such an inspired fury, and I'm actually proud of it still.

[vasiktomis]

Pomegranate, Chapter 17: Quiet Earth, Part I.

John Seed x Female Deputy

Rating: Explicit.

Read it on Ao3 here!

Notes: Thanks all who have been keeping up with this! I'm so consistently floored by the amount of content creators we have in this fandom corner and the sheer level of workmanship that exists here. This is the first chapter of Pom that I'll be posting to tumblr, and I'm hoping to draw up a little sketch with each update. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them! Big thank you to @shallow-gravy and @consumedkings as always for dealing with my stupidity and being a pair of top-notch angels, and also just like, everybody who takes time out of their day to engage with this? Y'all really sticking with ultra slow burn and I swear after some wicked angst in the next couple of chapters I'll finally be able to throw some well-deserved smut at you. WARNINGS: Forced conversion, descriptions of dissociation and derealisation, explicit language, sexual content, depictions of violence, guns, blood and gore. Canon-typical debauchery.

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“Don’t touch him!”

Mary May lunged with enough force for John to feel the wake of air sweep through him, even with how quickly she was snatched up and yanked back to her place. The soles of her tennis shoes squeaked against the floor as she was dragged to the far side of the room, unable to be trusted with providing audience to Nick’s Atonement.

A shame, really. It was nicer as a shared experience.

The Baptist rolled his jaw, off-setting some of the tension arising from the shrieks that the blonde flung at the back of his head. He righted himself, taking the tattoo gun from one of his faithful with a gracious nod, and turned his attention down to the pilot currently pinned to the floor. Without a word, he sank to his knees, straddling the man, keeping silent as he could just to listen out for any change in his demeanour. Fear. Grief. Defeat. Acceptance. A sign to prove his readiness.

Nick didn't flinch, breathing hard through his nose and watching with hateful eyes. John hovered an indicating hand over the man’s bare chest, bruised from the fight he’d put up against his capture, mentally mapping out placement. Then, he came in with the needle, beginning with the stem of an ’E’, right in the centre of Nick's sternum.

The pilot snorted, masking discomfort with indifference, turning a wince into a scoff. “Figures you don’t use stencils. I ain’t got a hope in hell of this turning out good, do I.”

That casual old Nick attitude. He missed it.

If only he’d let him do this 5 years ago. He wouldn’t have had to miss it.

John feigned offense. “Oh I’m sorry, Nick. Did you want me to do the rest in cursive? Add a feather? Infinity symbol?”

“For fuck’s sake-”

“Talk about tonal dissonance. It’s not meant to be pretty.” He grumbled. “Might’ve gotten a little more practice if you’d-”

A yell from the rear entryway pulled John’s hand away from his canvas. More squeaking. More interruption. Jerome Jeffries getting hauled into the church, held under each arm by the pair of Chosen that John had sent looking for him.

The Baptist cast a look over his shoulder at them, content with the sight of Jerome adequately beaten and bloodied. “Ahh. Pastor. Try to run and hide? It’s no wonder your flock ran astray with a shepherd so quick to leave them to the wolves.”

Jerome ignored him. No reply. No eye contact. A crime John noted to make worthy of capital punishment in the New Eden. The Pastor was set down beside Mary May, who immediately began seeing to his injuries. Murmuring bubbled between them.

“Did you reach them?” The bartender asked. Must’ve been a negative, because the next thing she did was curse.

“The Deputy was calling when they caught me.”

And if she had half the spine to come and broker an agreement for her friends, she’d be inbound.

“Could you at least gag them? I’m trying to concentrate.” John ordered no one in particular, earning another scoff from Nick. “The faster we work, the less we’ll have to get through once she arrives. The quicker we can be out of this heinous town.”

“Stay away from her, shitbag.” The pilot ground out, this time unable to save face when John retaliated, pressing the gun just a little too hard, digging down through an extra few layers of skin.

“Nick Rye, you’re a married man.” John tutted playfully, resuming his work. “That sin of yours again. Take, take, take. Didn’t think the Deputy to be your type. Wouldn’t say you’re hers, either.”

Nick looked downright disgusted at the prospect. Less concerned for the state of his wife - which meant she'd been a likely getaway. “Always been so fuckin’ jealous.”

“Come again?”

“Think folks are stupid? Think I don’t know you?”

“You don't know me, period.” John bit back, skin on the back of his neck flushing between boiling and freezing.

“Anyone else givin’ you this much trouble’d be long dead by now. That shit on the radio? Reckon you’d be talkin’ like that if your family could hear you across the river?” Nick continued, averting his gaze when John shot him a particularly poisonous look. He didn’t, however, find it necessary to respond to such a veiled accusation.

At least until -

“Everybody knows you wanna stick it to her, John-”

As if he’d been awaiting the chance, John’s free hand shot to Nick’s jaw, aching in protest when he squeezed, not stopping until he could feel the man’s molars beneath his flesh. “That’s about enough from you.” He crooned.

John had his desires, yes. He’d accepted that much. Had he not been sworn to celibacy, he might have jumped at the opportunity to respond to Cora’s advances last night. That said, she was still an outsider, and while her Atonement made the prospect less dicey, he couldn’t consciously consider laying with the woman in real life.

No matter how torturous it had become to gear his thoughts toward anything else.

He could be content with just her company, without making any further advances on her. Last night had simply been a moment of weakness, and he’d prevailed by stepping away.

“If you’ll excuse me.” John switched off the little machine once he’d completed his piece and promptly stood to beckon for replacement parts. Mary May might have gotten away with an allergic reaction last time he’d attempted this, but considering he’d be slicing it out of her within the hour, he couldn’t see any reason for her to be complaining. The bartender had been a thorn in his side from the start. While Nick and his wife had once lent John their...whatever a sinner’s closest equivalent was to friendship, Mary May had always been trouble. Wore her heart on her sleeve and trusted no one she hadn’t grown up around. Bolshie. Almost fucking killed him, once.

John busied himself with needle transfers and a pleasant expression. He could feel the woman’s eyes on him.

Did she think what Nick proclaimed? That complete and utter lie?

How fucking crass. No, he did not want to ’stick it’ to Cora. At least, as far as anyone else was concerned. He was fond of her, and - while yes, he had encountered temptation - if one disregarded the cum-stained, stolen panties in his pocket, and the conjured fantasies, and the purely incidental erection he’d maintained after the Deputy stuck her tongue down his throat last night - there was simply no evidence to suggest to anyone else that he was even remotely tempted to break the rules.

Sex was the furthest thing from his mind. It was mere coincidence that today had just so happened to fall on a morning in which he’d needed to trim.

…

If, however, she were to decide that she wanted to continue what she’d attempted last night, then surely he couldn’t be to blame if he only failed to stop her. It wasn’t technically fornication if he didn’t initiate it. Nor was it considered intercourse if -

“Brother John.”

John jumped, heart stopping, whipping his head around to the Chosen standing at the door of the church.

“What?" He asked thickly.

“The Deputy’s arrived.”

Right on cue, the crackling of gunshots drifted in alongside the Chosen’s announcement.

“Tell everyone to hold their fire.” John ordered. “We have them outnumbered tenfold. The Deputy can’t be stupid enough to create a hostage situation. Direct her here, and peacefully.”

The Chosen’s throat bobbed, swallowing back outrage, and John squinted hard at him, trying to dispel the flicker of green light in the mist outside as it settled against the man’s temple.

“John, I don’t think-”

He never got a chance to act on that incoming insubordination.

Instead, he jerked, cut off by a sickening crack as a section of his skull blew out of his head. Red mist and liquified brain matter followed, splattering against the doorframe, and the Chosen slumped lifeless onto the front step.

John wasn’t so much shaken by the killing as he was irritated by everyone else’s apparent refusal to let today go according to plan. Maybe also the pile of brains and hair now sitting on his once-pristine red carpet. He’d made this easy for the woman: kill everyone he could round up, leave her with no one to claim duty to, and get this all over and done with. Have her home by mid-afternoon. Embark on a new chapter and achieve salvation. It was that simple.

Woe to him for trusting in her common sense.

“Fuck’s sake. Wrath begets more wrath.” He muttered, smoothing a hand over his chin. He didn’t have the patience for this any longer. “Fine. Sister -”

A woman stood from the pews as soon as John made eye contact, equally as unshaken by the scene mere feet away.

“Send out word: the Deputy wants to sacrifice her friends for the sake of a fight.” John punctuated the end of his sentence with a click as he returned his focus to jamming the needles into his tattoo gun. “Give her what she wants. Take her by force.”

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The smokescreen was beginning to clear, but despite the weight it was taking off her lungs, Cora would’ve preferred it remain just a little longer. At least until they’d cleared out the town. Had they been quicker, it might have lasted longer. Covered their approach to Fall’s End. Given them more cover to sneak about unseen.

The streets, while still hazy, were visible now. It wasn’t a difficult task watching Peggie silhouettes run from building to building in search of her team. Resistance members and civilians were either in the process of being rounded up, or littered the road and pavement, dead. The Ryes, Mary May, and Pastor Jerome were yet to be seen amongst either group.

Same went for Boomer.

Aside from the barking of orders from Chosen and faithful, there was little sound. Knowing how much of a fuss her dog had put up the last time he’d been caught by the Project struck Cora’s nerves. He was his own alarm, and he would not go peacefully.

Not hearing him was an indication of the worst.

Some part of her brain argued against the idea. Vouching that John wouldn’t have hurt the creature. That was her dog. He had to be an exception to the massacre, no matter how vicious he behaved.

She had to find him, and creeping through the rear entry of the Spread Eagle was the first point of call.

Luckily enough, the back door had yet to be boarded up. Peggies who rushed past covered windows hardly stopped to peek inside the place for fear of being tainted by the presence of alcohol. Sneaking in was simple enough, too, at least once Jess had picked the lock.

“I’m going to pretend that door was open.” The Deputy murmured her equivalent to praise, passing into the building.

Grace headed straight in after her, taking a left to search for any sign of Mary May while she took a right toward the stairs.

“You pretend the Cook’s head was already gone when we found him?” Jess whispered.

“Freak accident. You all saw it.”

“First floor’s clear.” Grace announced from the serving hatch in the kitchen, clearly unhappy about it.

“Right.” Cora acknowledged, “I’ll check up top.”

The second story was as dead-quiet as the first. Furniture had been knocked over in the hallway and bedrooms had been raided. None of it indicated anything good, but she still had to know.

Cora pushed open the door to her room, and while she held no expectation of what she’d find, her heart sank anyway.

It was empty.

Boomer was gone.

Only his makeshift collar and a tattered bandana remained atop the rug he’d been snoozing on that morning.

Her dog.

John had either taken him or killed him, just like the rest. He’d do the same to the rest of her team. She should’ve taken the Baptist’s offer before the latter had even become a possibility.

“No sign?” Grace affirmed once the Deputy slipped back down to the first floor. “My guess is either they’re in hiding, or John’s giving them special treatment. If they were dead he’d be parading them.”

Sharky and Hurk exchanged a frown when Cora offered only a nod, notably more meek than usual.

“Was he in there, darlin’?” Adelaide asked, a little too gently not to invite a sting to her eyes.

Cora felt her jaw clench. It was a different breed of nausea, trying to keep her composure under the scrutiny of the rest of the team. She managed to shake her head, and Adelaide’s hand found her shoulder.

“Could still be with the others, yet.” The woman offered.

“So how do we find them?” Jess asked.

Find John Seed, of course.

“Finding them’s one thing. Getting to them might be the harder part.” Cora began. “The smokescreen’s only getting thinner and there’s Peggies everywhere. It's grasslands from here to the hills. No way we can herd everyone across a field on-foot, safely. We’ve got to make sure they stay freed, first.”

“And?” Jess huffed. “We’re gonna kill some Peggies, right?”

The blonde considered that.

“We split up. Search the buildings for anyone who hasn’t been caught yet. Round them up and plant explosives as we go. With enough chaos, maybe we can have a shot at turning the tide in the short term.”

Sharky was practically trembling. “Explosives, like, everywhere?”

“Everywhere. The more damage, the better.” Cora replied. “Adelaide, Xander, pair up. Sharky and Hurk, same with you.”

“And us on range?” Jess grinned, trading a look with Grace who maintained absolute stoicism. “I’m so into that.”

“No.”

…

“Say what?”

“No more ranged attacks. I need you and Grace to head back to the van -”

Jess was advancing on her before she’d even finished her sentence.

“You’re pulling me outta the fight? The fuck gives?” The huntress loomed over the Deputy, incredulous. Cora made an effort to stay put, but Jess’s insistence managed to outweigh her stubbornness, forcing the blonde to compromise by leaning as far back as she could without falling.

“We can’t keep running on short-term wins.” Cora insisted. “We have to put our foot down. No more small assaults. No more hoping John gets demoralised enough that he hands himself over.”

Sharky frowned. “What’re you saying?”

She met his gaze, puffing out her chest, retaking her space. “I’m saying the Henbane Bridge is unmanned right now. If we get word to the County Jail, there’s no roadblock to stop them from helping us win this. John Seed’s throwing everything he can at us. I say we try for the same. I say we end it for good. We’re gonna take back Holland Valley. Today.”

“...You really like that dog, huh.”

“That too.”

Jess looked unconvinced. “So the two of us are running errands while the rest of you are holding the fort? Fucking bullshit.”

“I told you. No more range.” Cora bit back, jabbing a thumb toward Hurk and Sharky. “You’d rather send Boshaws and Drubmans to convince Tracey to send us her best people? No offence.”

“None taken, bitch.” Adelaide grumbled.

Grace exhaled, throwing away momentary hesitation. “We’ll be fast.”

Cora traded a nod with the sniper before looking to Jess once more.

Still unconvinced.

“They have cars with guns on them, remember?”

The corner of Jess’s mouth ticked. Temptation.

Mission accomplished.

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The tacky fucking carpet was the first thing she noticed, creeping along Main Street. Bliss petals had been sprinkled all over the road leading up to the church.

The carpet ended at the door. An invitation if she ever saw one. Boastful. Arrogant.

A pang of dread ached through Cora's bones, holding her in place while she drew her revolver. It could be an ambush. It probably was an ambush, but there was nothing she could feasibly do to avoid it. If the others were in there, then she couldn't wait around any longer.

She had to do this. At least hold out until Jess and Grace returned, with or without help.

She'd been running for long enough. All other options had been exhausted. At least John offered the least awful defeat.

Drawing close to the entrance, the Deputy pointedly avoided examining a dead crow that had been impaled upon the wall. She inhaled, holding the breath in her lungs, steadying her heart rate.

It was only freedom.

She opened the door, immediately training the gun out before her, following its guide into the room.

About a dozen Peggies dotted the space, leaning against walls, lining the pews - all angled at the pulpit, observing Nick on the floor. He stifled a cry while John sliced through the final remaining layers of skin binding the tattoo to his chest, peeling the word 'GREED' out of his flesh. Blood pooled on the floor around them, and the moment John had stepped away, the pilot was descended on with antiseptic and bandages.

The Deputy waited for nausea at the sight to take its course. It never did. She was all but numbed to the sight.

"Deputy, run!"

Mary May's voice cut through the silence, and the bartender lurched from her own spot on the ground. Guns raised all around the room, swinging around to aim for Cora.

”Hold!” John barked immediately, unconcerned when the Deputy shifted her aim to him. Instead, he busied himself with washing his sullied hands. “Hold your fire.”

His followers obeyed.

Cora, meanwhile, cocked the revolver in her grip. One foot edged into the room, and she glanced around for the Project’s captives before returning her gaze to John. All on the other side of the room. Pinned. Fuck.

“Hope County Sheriff’s Department.” She announced, staring the Baptist down, ignoring the grin that crept onto his face - like he found it fucking funny. “Weapons on the ground. Step away from the hostages.”

“Hostages?” John snorted. He gestured Pastor Jerome, Mary May, and Nick. “These are guests! This is their Atonement. This is your Atonement.”

“Drop the fucking weapons.”

John’s patience thinned. Quickly. “I’m not doing this with you.” He replied simply. “Not today.”

With his own look around the room, John inclined his head. An unspoken order to which everyone carrying a gun turned them on her allies.

“We both know you don’t have enough bullets for everyone. Nor do you have the time. So why don’t you put down my gun and surrender.”

“Don’t-” Mary May was cut off with the tap of steel against her temple. Warning.

John was right. She was outnumbered. There was no chance of getting any of them out with force alone.

She inhaled. Exhaled. Watched the fondness slip back onto John’s face like it had never left, and set the gun on the floor.

“That’s my girl.” John murmured. Then, he motioned. “Get her ready.”

Cora’s stomach dropped as two sets of arms coiled around hers, each pulling and pushing, prickling at her skin with unfamiliar, sickening touch. Biology told her to resist. Escape the sensation. The downward pulling.

“No, stop it.” Escaped her while she squirmed. “Get off. Stop touching me-”

“Her friends can’t be far. Find them.” The Baptist ordered, turning away toward the pulpit.

Cora’s knees hit the floor. There was no holding the repetition of protests, but even as she consciously elevated the volume of her voice, it grew quieter in her ears. Calculated attempts to jerk away and make an escape became automatic twitches.

One of John’s followers - a female - crept into view, fingers tugging at the top button on her uniform collar. John readied a tattoo gun over the woman’s shoulder, and the Deputy’s mind screamed alarm bells. Get out. Escape. Fight back. Regain control.

“I won’t hurt you, sister.”

This time, she sank, curling forward, angling herself away from the woman. Another attempt, and she wrenched away again, snarling. Then, the Peggies around her must have gotten tired of all the fuss, because the tear of cotton clawed at her ears. Ringing through her brain.

Her back felt cold all of a sudden.

Green material slipped down her arms, and at the sight of her own uniform pooling in shreds in her own lap, Cora ceased her thrashing. The shredded shirt was yanked from her belt and tossed aside, and she watched with growing resignation while John turned back around.

His gaze found hers. Then flickered downward, first to the compression bra, then a margin to the right. “Here I thought you’d be unmarked.” He commented, inspecting what was visible of the old ink on her lower ribs while he approached.

Hands pressed against Cora’s shoulders, and she drifted back until her shoulder blades hit the floor.

John continued to loom until he stood directly over her. He sank to his knees, expression softening with his descent until he was on all fours on top of her. He looked almost adoring, and she hated how it comforted her, just slightly. She hated how the hands had disappeared from her limbs, and yet she still made no further attempt to escape. He had every ounce of power now.

She didn’t know she’d started trembling until his free hand swept over her collarbones, mapping out her chest, calming the gooseflesh beading on her from the chill, or the fright, or perhaps just that this whole thing felt so humiliatingly exposing.

A blush swelled over John’s throat, maybe indicating some straying line of thought. He snapped out of it and settled to sit on her hips. “This looks familiar, doesn’t it?” He teased, hovering the tattoo gun right over the centre of her sternum.

“Dont.” Was all she could manage. Weak. Pleading. “I don’t want you to.”

“You have no idea how good you’re going to feel after this.” John cooed.

One of his fingers drifted along her jaw. An attempt at comforting her, but to no avail. He looked equal parts gentle and feral with excitement.

The machine buzzed, lowering pitch when the needles finally pressed into her flesh.

This was it.

She’d lost. There was no going back, anymore. No more normal, no more ridding herself of this family. They’d taken everything, and now they were claiming ownership over her, too.

The others were being hunted. It was only a matter of time. John was working too quickly. They’d be gone before the Cougars even crossed the river.

Cora’s nerves muted. Sound closed to just the rumble of blood in her ears. She receded into herself. Found a backseat in her mind, away from the sensory overload and the humiliation and her own failure while her body quietly continued: ”Dont, don’t, stop.”

She’d lost, and John wouldn’t stop. Not while he was branding the evidence of his victory into her flesh.

Defeat tasted worse than anticipated.

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Bullets whizzed overhead while Sharky and Hurk took cover beneath the window, watching helplessly as the aisle of potato chips and bar nuts was torn to shreds by the onslaught. Dorito dust filled the shop like mustard gas.

“Cuz, I think they found us!” Hurk barked, snapping an arm over his head in defence when a stray round ricocheted off the front counter.

“What gives you that impression?” Sharky hit back, hurriedly setting down his shotgun and shrugging his backpack to the floor.

“How many are there?”

“How about you check?”

“How about you check?”

A moment of quiet occurred while the cousins glared at each other, leaving their standoff to a battle of no blinking. Then the Peggies outside must’ve finished re-loading, because the back wall of the shop was suddenly being shot into swiss cheese.

They were okay. Everything was cool. Addie and Xander had taken their share of explosives and gone the quiet route. Grace and Jess were gone. Shorty had disappeared into the church, and while he couldn't count the best, Sharky was pretty confident that John had caught her.

Could they have kept on looking for survivors and breaking out captives? Sure - but why do that when they could kill, like 40 birds with one stone and beeline for the gas station? It was conveniently across the road from the church, empty of any and all life barring the dormant tanks underground. An explosion that big was sure to fuck up like a good portion of Main Street. Not even the Chosen would be able to resist checking it out.

Disconnecting the safety switches had been easy. He’d been arrested for doing it like 5 times already. Cops, Peggies; it didn’t matter - Sharky knew what he was doing, and without the giant swinging dick of the law hanging over him, the man was on a mission. Cultists shooting at him was fine. He was used to that.

Threat of death or no, he wasn’t giving up the chance to see this place blow sky high.

“We’ll be outta here any second, Hurky.” Sharky assured. “Just gotta sprinkle a little C-4 around the place and we’ll be gone before it even goes off.”

Hurk was sweating. A lot. He was accustomed to being shot at, but normally, he had more than just Sharky to get him out of a tight spot. “Alright, bro. Gimme some. Many hands and what have you.”

“Fuck yeah. First step, toss some at the tanker outside. We wanna get the place as fiery as possible up here to wake up the big boys underground, and-”

Sharky stopped in his tracks, eyeing the backpack he’d just been in the process of unzipping.

“-uhh.”

“Uhh?”

“Hurky, can I be real with you?”

“Is now the best time for a deep and meaningful?” Hurk hissed, crawling toward him nonetheless.

The arsonist stuck his hand down the pack, rifling through fluff and mesh. “I, uh, I think I brought the wrong bag. And by think I mean know without a shadow of a doubt.”

Hurk watched as his cousin tugged the green, furry headpiece of a dragon out into the open.

“You brought-...”

“I brought my fursuit.”

“Not the C-4?”

“Not the C-4.”

“Okay, bro. That's fine. I'm not mad. Human error. Not even a little bit?”

Sharky checked again, just for good measure. “Nope...so, uhm...you got a match?”

Hurk ran a hank through his hair. “Not to poo poo your ideas, but that probably ain’t the best move.”

So just like that, they were fucked.

Jess and Grace still hadn’t come back. The others were nowhere to be seen. Shorty was holed up in that church, and he and Hurk were about to be rounded up by born-again virgins.

Shit, if that were the case -

“Well, if this is gonna be the last opportunity.” Sharky grunted, tugging the suit out and unzipping the back. “May as well enjoy our last minutes of freedom, huh?”

Hurk took the cue, creeping across the destroyed shop floor and reaching for a popped bag of pretzels. He sat back against the wall, leaning against the rocket launcher he’d propped up against the corner.

“Man.” The brunette sighed, staring at the floor. “If only we had some other kind of ranged, explosive device.”

“No shit.” Sharky agreed. “Some high velocity shit would fix this.”

They exchanged a sympathetic look once the arsonist had zipped himself up and crept over and sit beside his cousin, both leaning on either side of the RPG.

Hurk held out the bag.

“Pretzel?”

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“Was that so bad?” John asked, placing the tattoo gun aside and framing the Deputy’s marked chest. ’WRATH', in true black, beading with blood. The skin surrounding the text was mottled and inflamed. Excess ink covered the area in patches, gathering in the dip of her cleavage, disappearing beneath her sports bra.

All that sin, already leaking out through the exit he’d made for her.

Gorgeous.

Cora didn’t respond. That was fine. Shock was normal. She’d thank him once this was all over. For now, she just trembled, lock jawed, dissociated gaze searching what John had thought was him until he sat up. No, instead she was watching the ceiling.

John flashed a smile, blocking out a tiny streak of dread at the sight of the woman so vacant. Sweeping a lock of stained hair over her shoulder, he smoothed his fingers past her neck, attempting to gently angle her focus back to him. “Hey. You can come back now. We’re all done.”

You're finally on the other side. React to it. React to me. Look at me-

The boom came first, hollow and deep, and John felt the floor beneath him rumble. Chandeliers and decorations wobbled from the disturbance. Several of his followers shot from their seats, immediately abandoning the Resistance leaders they’d guarded in favour of pacing back and forth, trying to get a look at whatever was happening outside.

“Is this it?”

“Is it the Collapse?”

“It’s time?”

“John, is it the Collapse?”

The panic escalated quickly, forcing the Baptist to break his attention away from the empty woman below him and rein in the flock.

“Calm down.” He exclaimed, “It’s not the Collapse. It’s probably just-”

Another boom. Almost deafeningly loud.

This time, the whole church shook. Windows shattered in their creaking panes and smashed to the floor while pews squealed heavily in protest.

Contrary to his assertion, John dove down, covering the Deputy with his body. Holy shit, was it the Collapse?

The tremor must have been enough to snap Cora out of her trance, because a muffled “Get your tits out of my face.” buzzed against John’s chest.

Tragically, however, the Baptist never got the opportunity to reply to her. Had it not been for the fucking tennis shoe colliding with the side of his skull, he imagined he’d have something very clever to say. Alas, pain shot through his head and he jerked to the side, fighting against the blow to stay put. A snarl from Mary May, his apparent attacker, sounded in retaliation. She dove into him, knee driving into his ribs, throwing him off of the Deputy.

His thoughts left him for the briefest moment, overtaken by ensuing gunshots and shouts and the shrieks of the bartender as she was clawed away from him. Her hand shot forward right as she was yanked up, intended as a punch. It didn’t land, and John couldn’t help but shoot her a smirk for her failure.

“Deputy, gun!”

Nevermind. It wasn’t a punch after all. Mary May had been pointing over his shoulder at the revolver that had been surrendered on the floor. His revolver. The same one Cora was now scrambling toward.

No.

John lurched, heart leaping into his throat.

Not now. Not after he’d won. Not when they were so close.

His hand found the leg of Cora’s pants, wrenching, pulling her away from the weapon, and she kicked against him. Her finger tips slid against the barrel of the revolver, tugging it into her palm.

God wouldn’t fucking undo his victory.

John snarled, catching the Deputy’s wrist when she tried to aim - at him no less. Without her own recovery time achieved, he was able to wrestle the weapon from her easily enough, flattening her struggling body beneath his just long enough to hook an arm around her waist. He twisted around, holding the woman’s back against his belly. Her squirming ceased with the press of the muzzle against her head, and the moment her allies had taken notice of the change, everything went still.

Finally.

A little civility.

Several of John’s followers lay on the floor, either dead or close to it. Only a half-dozen remained, though the pair of Chosen had survived and placed themselves closest to their leader.

Pastor Jerome had procured a handgun from within his own bible - something that pulled a breathless laugh out of John as he surveyed the others. Nick hadn’t been able to arm himself, but he’d still tackled one of the faithful to the ground. His knuckles were bloodied. A familiar sight. Mary May had wrestled a gun of her own away from the woman who’d seized her. She aimed it shakily at John.

Armed but outnumbered, outgunned, and now, they were in check.

They never learned, did they?

“The way you people behave, you’d think salvation was a bad thing.” John tittered. “Right. Now, let’s try this again. Atonement, or damnation.” To punctuate his meaning, he tapped the muzzle against Cora’s head. She grunted in protest, and he ignored her. Of course it was a bluff. No one else knew that but him, though. It was too risky a move for the Resistance to let him do away with the one person that banded their factions.

She was their leader. They couldn’t lose her.

John looked around the room once more, locking eyes with Jerome first - then Mary May. “Are we going to behave?”

The answer was immediate and clear: a gunshot cracking through the Baptist’s ears and the flash of a blast spilling from Mary May’s weapon. Cora’s elbow driving into his stomach and the reaction time of his Chosen snapping to attention, covering him, already hauling John out of the church and onto the street.

Fuck no, he wasn't leaving without his prize.

"GRAB HER!" John howled, struggling against the attempts to get him to safety. "Leave the rest!"

It was a reluctant effort, but the Deputy was yanked along as well, shoved into Johns arms on his repeated orders, with me, with me.

“Mary May, what the fuck!” The Deputy roared over her shoulder.

“Sorry Deputy! I missed!”

Missed?

“You sure about that? Jesus fucking Christ!”

More shots sounded, but only the noise pursued them from the building. It wasn’t until John had shoved Cora into the back of the waiting truck that he realised how warm his hand had gotten. Wet, too.

“Get to the ranch!” One of the Chosen snarled up front, casting a look back at the Baptist while the vehicle took off, watching as he peeled away from the blonde to inspect himself.

Blood.

He was bleeding. But where from? Barring the sting of his scabs and that kick to the head, nothing hurt. There were no wounds hiding under his sleeves or -

A hiss sounded from the Deputy beside him, curling in on herself.

Shit.

She hadn’t elbowed him.

“Cora-” John scrambled for her. "Cora, let me see."

“Told you not to call me that.” The Deputy grit out, kicking at him until she’d well and truly jammed herself into the corner of the seat and the car door. Her left hand gripped her right forearm, just below the elbow and to no avail. Crimson coated the skin on her side, encasing her arm completely and seeping through her fingertips.

She was bleeding. Not heavily, but steadily.

”Deputy.” John bit back, advancing. “You’re hurt. Let me help-”

Just like that, the kicking resumed. “Don’t touch me-DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME-”

“For once in your fucking life, just relax!”

Only incomprehensible snarling came in response.

John rolled his jaw, brimming with as much irritation as he was adrenaline. The Resistance had made their choice. Regretful, but final. He’d gotten what he came for, and he wasn’t intending on losing her just because she was too stubborn to accept help.

He glanced at the revolver still in his grip. Then back at Cora, rotating the grip toward her. A threat. “Are you going to let me help, or am I going to have to calm you down?”

“Don’t you dare.” Her words came hoarse. She gave scowling a red hot go, but without the rationale to deny him, the Deputy lacked conviction. She exhaled. “Fuck it. We've done this enough already. You get ten minutes. Then you’re under arrest.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Her cheek twitched. A weak chuckle. The slightest flash of acknowledgement as she let him press his weight over her forearm. Thankfully, the wound wasn’t pulsing; nor was there a puncture wound. A gouged strip had been carved into her flesh where the bullet had grazed, but nothing vital seemed to have been struck.

“That - you can keep saying.”

"You're a flirt when you're in shock, Deputy." Had John not been too busy regulating about a dozen other emotions, he might have flushed at her words. For a moment, he just sat there, basking in the borderline friendliness on her face. Then, it occurred to him that they were among watchful company, and he cleared his throat, returning to his task.

Minutes passed. No more words were exchanged. Not until they’d passed the Rye and Son’s sign.

The Chosen in the front passenger’s seat looked over his shoulder, dismissing another over the radio before regarding the Baptist. “The Resistance isn’t making ground. The faithful are still rounding up stragglers, and we’ve taken casualties, but numbers are looking strong. Medic will meet you at the ranch, John. We can deliver our newest sister to the Gate while you recover.”

John inclined his head. “Much obliged. We need this one to stay with us until she’s completed her vows. She can’t be trusted unsupervised, but I won’t put the responsibility of containing her back on our people again.” He looked to Cora, then. Her face had run pale and she’d gone clammy, but she remained upright. Just...woozy. Pacified, for now.

He’d got what he came for. Fuck the rest.

“I have something to say.” The blonde announced, swaying against John’s arm. “I know why Mary May shot me.”

“This another one of your jokes?” John deadpanned.

“This one’s funny, I swear.”

“...go on, then.”

“It’s because I never tip.”

For a moment, Cora looked very satisfied with herself. Then, she retched, slumping forward into the Baptist’s lap when he instinctually jolted out of the potential line of fire. He hurried to steady her, keeping tight hold over her wound, and grimaced while the noise escaped her a second time.

Thank God nothing came out; his shoes would’ve been the first to know about it.

The Deputy didn’t sit back up.

That was fine. So long as she wasn’t dead. So long as she wasn’t fighting back.

“It’s all the sin escaping you.” John explained, off-handed, when a complaining grunt sounded below. “Evil being expelled from your body. You’ll feel better soon.”

“Pretty sure it’s my blood pressure, actually. Soon as I’m good again, you’re history.”

When one disregarded the fact that she’d had a gun trained on him earlier - and the blood drying uncomfortably on his clothes - and the persistent pounding of a headache from Mary May’s heel, this was almost pleasant. The quiet roads. The Deputy, all but atoned with her head on his thigh. Not fighting back. Conceding defeat. Peaceful.

He got what he came for.

He’d won.

He was saved.

Passing his thumb over Cora’s ribs, John’s attention was pulled back to the old ink peeking out from beneath the band of her top. Text, blurred and flattened enough to be years old, and too obscured to decipher.

“Thought I’d be your first.” The brunette murmured.

“Jealous?”

Yes.

“Don’t be ridiculous. What’s it say?”

“‘The Mountains Are Calling’.”

A sickening wave of dread passed over the Baptist. The rock forming in his throat, icy and bitter and seizing him against any reply.

The mountains are calling.

Jacob. Joseph. The Trials. Atonement wasn’t the final step. Handing her over to his brothers was the final step.

He got what he came for, but the woman in his arms wasn’t the trophy intended for him.

He was saved. He’d redeemed himself. He’d completed his task and Joseph would permit him beyond the gates. That was all he was supposed to do. That was enough.

That had to be enough.

“‘And I Must Go’.” John completed quietly.

Cora tilted her head a little, not quite looking at him - almost like she was trying not to. “You know John Muir.”

“Not enough to warrant a photo on the bedside table.”

“Shut up.”

There was nothing convincing about the chuckle he offered. He was too busy observing her, studying the side of her face. Committing her to memory as if he hadn’t spent years acquainting himself with every spot and micro-expression.

“Maybe working for you will be bearable.” She murmured, and John’s heart only sank further. "If I don't manage to arrest you."

The mountains are calling.

She still had no idea that all the promises he’d made her had been fabricated. That she wouldn’t be staying. That he’d lied to her.

The mountains were calling. In a few days time, she’d know it. She’d despise him. She’d be taken off his hands and he’d assume his regular duties once again.

He’d saved both of them.

Cora’s thumb absently grazed back and forth on his knee. Ignorant. “Can I ask something?”

It took everything in him not to mirror the action against her skin.

“Of course.”

“Can I start next Monday?”

"What happened to you being such a workaholic?"

"To be honest with you, I'm really fucking tired."

She’d be incredible. Jacob would love her. Joseph would be proud. John had accomplished something near-impossible for his family, and even if the Deputy hated him - even if she forgot him entirely, he was content with the knowledge that he’d have brought her to salvation.

Even if they never saw each other again, he’d know that she’d passed through the gates. That she’d climb to the surface once the world had been scorched clean. She’d rebuild, and marry, and have children, and he’d do the same.

Hopeful anticipation and the agony of longing had never felt so similar before.

“Fine.” John smiled, giving in, sliding his fingers up her arm and coaxing a stray lock of hair out of her face. There were no promises he’d be able to do it again after this. “But on one condition.”

“What?”

“Spend those days with me.”

Cora stirred, angling to peer up at him out of the corner of her eye. She smiled crookedly.

“Deal.”

[amwritingmeta]

End of S15 Spec: Is Cas Returning to Heaven?

My dearlings, my sweetlings, my buttery, Scottish shortbreads -

We’re in times of great turmoil right now and my only way to relax myself out of the need to check my Twitter feed every other minute and retweet all the inspiring or infuriating or educational stuff that’s coming at me left, right and centre, is to write. I started working on this piece of spec a little while back, after talking to @waywardliliana (hey girl hey) and last week I felt inspired to start writing this spec-meta-hopes-and-wishes-whathaveyou, so here we are.

This spec was actually brought on by Liliana telling me a prevailing theory in fandom right now (or a few weeks back) which is that Cas is going to die in 15x18. 

As far as I understand it from Liliana, this theory is based on the fact that Jensen and Misha were talking at VegasCon about having shot a heavy scene just the two of them (and quite possibly with Alex) before heading off to the con, and this scene is taking place sometime during 15x18.

That’s literally all I know, but that’s what I’m basing this spec on: something heavy happening between Dean and Cas in 15x18 as per “confirmed” by the actors themselves.

So, off the cuff: I don’t think Cas is going to die. 

Mostly due to narrative reasons, because I can’t see how him dying would service the story they’ve built for him this season whatsoever (let’s not forget about his deal with the Empty) (and I’ll dig deeper into that) nor how it would play into his individual arc as a whole, but also because it’s too repetitive. 

We’ve seen him die an angel death, we don’t need to see it again, nor would it be as impactful as Cas’ death at the end of S12 (and beginning of S7) where both instances can be looked at as serving to push Dean into a state of grief, where we got the chance to feel the loss and absence of Cas through how it affected Dean. Yeah? (yes!)

It’s always been beautifully handled, to be honest. Dean losing faith (and most starkly his faith in himself) when losing Cas. It happened in the S7 greif arc, and it happened in an even more condensed and pointed way in S13.

Because in S13, unlike in S7, Dean is no longer forcing a smile and pretending he’s okay. Instead, he’s wearing his anger like the armour it is, while telling Sam he’s fine, which Sam sees through very easily, and we do too, because of course he’s not fine. Until we finally get Dean admiting he needs Sam to keep the faith, because right now Dean can’t believe in a damn thing.

*mh mh good*

(it even happened to some extent in S15 after Cas left) (though then he was more in the I don’t give a fuck anymore mood) (once Cas comes back who is it that suddenly cracks the case of how to fight God wide open?) (yup) (our Dean that’s who)

So what would Cas dying bring to Dean’s individual arc this time around? 

What would Cas dying mean for Cas’ individual arc? 

Cas has died specifically to underpin Dean’s progression (or rather, to show us where that progression needs to take him) (and to give us a gorgeous underlining of how Cas is Dean’s happiness because of Dean’s attitude change when Cas comes back in S13) (hey-oh!) and Cas has died specifically to allow for his own rebirth, to push him into a new stage in his own progression toward self-actualisation, so killing him at the end of his journey would mean… he ends up in the Empty?

But the tying up of the dangling loose end that is Cas’ deal with the Empty needs to be linked directly to Cas giving himself permission to be happy.

I will dig deeper into this, but I doubt we’re getting him permitting himself to be happy in 15x18, because looking at this show’s narrative structure as it’s always been used before: either this moment needs to be linked back to his individual arc and his growing sense of identity, or it needs to be tied to Dean (because no enormous turning point for either character happens without it affecting the other) and neither of these are, to me, entirely viable.

That said, I mostly don’t see Cas ever going back to the Empty based in what I see the Empty as symbolically representative of, which is Cas’ Shadow, his unconscious, and Cas returning to its dwelling is a symbolical statement of defeat. He can’t fight the Empty, he can’t destroy the Empty, not while he is in the place where the Empty has the upper hand completely. Cas ending up in the Empty means his Shadow has won, there will be no integration, no self-actualisation, and Cas’ journey ends on a tragic note indeed. 

Is that a fair reward for someone who has just overcome his fear of happiness? Because when the Empty shows to claim Cas, we’ll know that this is exactly what has happened, and it’s an incredibly important moment for Cas’ progression, signaling self-acceptance and self-love, daring to allow himself to feel that happiness, and, or so I would hope, doing so in clear defiance of the Empty’s lingering threat. 

Because Cas feeling that strong in himself that he actually permits himself the happiness of the moment, knowing full well that it means the Empty will show, and feeling ready to face it head on (I mean, I have a loophole in mind, but I’ll get to that), it would be gigantically symbolic of how he’s crossing that threshold he’s been stood on for so long, no longer letting any of his fears rule him, no longer feeling any doubt or mistrust in himself.

*gah*

Cas actually being claimed right after his happiest moment and ending up in the Empty is not a fair reward, and Cas will not be narratively punished for reaching the climax of his progression. 

So, no, I simply do not believe he’s set to die.

More on the Empty and all that happiness goodness as we go along.

Now, the following thoughts are based in my reading of this narrative, so let’s proceed with caution and I’m handing out salt for you to sprinkle all over this piece of pure speculation. Sprinkle it at will, please!

Let’s begin with my main speculation for the final few episodes of S15, which is:

Cas’ powers are fully restored and he goes back to Heaven.

How would this happen? I would suggest that, as we’re witnessing Jack begin to come into his full power (he’s already levelled up from archangel), growing ever more sure of himself in the process, we may get to witness the full extent and wonder of that power, and what better way to showcase the budding culmination of them, than through Jack mending Cas’ broken wings? 

Of course, this is mere conjecture. There are a multitude of ways that Cas might end up powered up. Even God could play a role. Suggesting Jack is the source of this transformation is merely to create a foundation for the scenario, and it’s also fitting, as Jack has served to bring Cas a great deal of faith in his own capabilities, so Jack would serve well to give Cas the final push toward self-realisation, and Cas may very well need to remember what being whole as an angel feels like, to gain perspective on how to answer the ever-lingering questions of who he is and who he wants to be.

The biggest questions on the table for me, if this were to happen, are: 

Would we get a heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas in 15x18 (heavy stuff), where their respective role in the other’s growth comes to a conclusion, and they take the lessons learned and carry on alone, but fulfilled, and grateful for having known each other, leading to a series ending where Cas stays in Heaven? 

Or—>

Would we get to witness that heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas, but then, instead of staying in Heaven, would we get Cas, fully powered, gain the perspective he needs of who he truly is and who he wants to be, leading to a series ending where Cas chooses to become human, returning to Earth and all the shenanigans of a hunter life?

And finally —>

Is there a middle ground here?

There’s an old narrative question that comes to mind, posed to Cas in S9 (you know of which I speak), which is an articulation of Castiel’s deepest internal conflict, serving as motor for the character journey he’s pushed onto through meeting, and saving, Dean Winchester.

Two years ago I wrote an essay based around this question, and now, at the very end, I’m going to pose it again, and build the following meta analysis and speculation around what my answers to the above questions are, and why. 

Angel or Man?

One straightforward question.

And yet, Cas’ identity crisis has been with him from the very start of S4, and this question has been at the back of his mind, grating away, causing confusion and erroding his sense of self, because he’s loyal to everyone but himself (perfectly mirroring Dean) and that dual loyalty - Heaven and Dean (humanity) - has always been the baseline for why he can’t answer this straightforward question for himself.

Since S13, when he got himself out of the clutches of the Empty and chose to return to Earth, there’s been, to my mind, a heavy subtextual hinting at Cas having made an actual and very real choice of where he wants to belong - no longer waiting to be told he belongs there, the way he’s shown to be throughout S12 - and this real choice of where he wants to belong comes after we’ve gotten to witness his declaration of love towards Dean and the Winchesters, Cas telling them they’re his family in 12x12, so it fits nicely with his internal progression.

It fits especially nicely when considering the Empty as a symbolic representative of Cas’ Shadow (Carl Jung for the win).

Because Cas standing up to his unconscious fears and telling them to release him makes a double underlining for why Cas, from 13x04 and onward, has been shown to be growing into his sense of belonging, leading to him finding clarity of where to draw the line for himself, without worrying about outside opinion; this moving into a sense of real self-worth reaching a culmination in him standing up for himself to Dean in 15x03.

In fact, Cas standing up for himself was an enormous internal turning point for him, and brought on an enormous internal turning point for Dean, which may hopefully lead to clarity for him as well, and healing, as Cas putting his foot down forced Dean to finally be the one to name the feeling that usually overrides everything else: his anger.

(many secondary characters have tried to bring this awareness as they’ve pointed this out to him) (dark!Kaia especially) (but it took Cas’ righteous anger and distancing for Dean to finally be forced into a position to admit it to himself) (and through it, admit his lack of control over it) (huuuuge step in his movement toward much needed self-insight) (being honest with yourself is the first step!)

*gah*

Now, if Cas has been shown to choose where he wants to belong, for himself: Earth; then throughout S13 and into S14 he was still shown to be heavily reliant on his core trait of loyalty in order to have a pronounced direction, because, to me, his purpose throughout these two seasons leading into S15 still needed to be dictated by where he could apply his sense of duty.

Once he returned from the Empty, it was made perfectly clear that his sense of duty had gone from Heaven, to Humanity. 

Not only is this shown through how Cas states, more than once, that he willed himself back to Earth in order to fulfull his promise to Kelly Kline and protect her son, but it’s also given to us in how he uses his angelic powers for torture, once of his own accord, and then (horrifyingly) under the orders of Dean: Cas no longer serves Heaven, he serves Man. (more specifically Dean)

However horrifying - because he shouldn’t be taking orders at all, and he shouldn’t use his powers as a weapon like that - this shift is necessary to underline Cas’ evolving relationship with Heaven, which had its first nail driven into its coffin with Naomi, when she forced Cas to slaughter all those Deans, and its final nail given to us through Cas killing Duma, Cas showing us that he is now refusing to allow Heaven to exact any authority over him and, intriguingly enough for where we’re at now, rather choosing to deplete the needed Heavenly power source in order to kill a would-be oppressor, rather than see Heaven fall back into its previous totalitarian mode of regime.

Cas learning lessons in humanity and wanting to take them to Heaven to fix his home has been part of his arc since the end of S5, to rather disastrous effect, since he was ill-equipped to properly understand and incorporate lessons only half-learned.

Through him breaking away from Dean and leaving the bunker in 15x03, Cas showed independence in a way he never has before. 

Of course, he’s always been the one to leave at a moment’s notice or disappear without so much as a by-your-leave, but this was a confrontation, tied directly to Dean’s inability to listen and to forgive. 

It’s Cas refusing to be taken for granted, and this shows us how the biggest lesson the narrative has been trying to teach him is finally beginning to take proper hold, because refusing to be taken for granted means that his self-worth is at a point where he’s able to expect more for himself, because he knows he deserves better.

And, or so this meta writer would argue, because he knows Dean is better than how he’s behaving, and Cas is fed up with enabling Dean’s self-righteousness. *headcanon*

So, Cas is now equipped with a lot of the tools needed to bring actual balance to Heaven, to bring strong, good leadership that doesn’t look at human beings as something to scrape off the sole of their shoe. He has a stronger understanding of why humans human, and a sense of compassion that doesn’t cause doubt or confusion, but leaves him secure in his own viewpoint.

That said, we still have him identifying himself as a “thing” in the latter part of S14, which is something that leaves us without the actual answer to the above question, because even towards the end of S14 we have Cas unable to label himself as either or.

In fact, I would say that labeling himself a “thing” alongside Jack - a nephilim who is of Heaven, Earth and Hell - speaks to some amount of identity confusion. 

So then. 

Let’s ponder the final episodes - keeping in mind we’re just having some fun speculating - and consider the possibilities surrounding the final destination of Cas’ character journey, as well as how the possible outcomes affect his relationship with Dean. 

Castiel, Angel of the Lord

Scenario the First —> Cas’ powers are fully restored and…

We get a heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas in 15x18 (heavy stuff), where their respective role in the other’s growth comes to a conclusion, and they take the lessons learned and carry on alone, but fulfilled, and grateful for having known each other, leading to a series ending where Cas stays in Heaven.

I mean, it’s emotionally neat, to be honest, because if we leave Destiel to the side and look at the plain text, Dean and Cas’ bond can be tied to their respective individual journeys through how Cas represents Faith to Dean, and Dean represents Humanity to Cas.

They are each other’s most repressed sides manifested, and they are an externalisation of each other’s internal compass, pointing them to the internal work they need to do to be able to reach self-actualisation through acknowledging, accepting and embracing what the other represents to them.

For Dean, it’s learning to have faith in himself, to trust, and in so doing, letting go of his need for control, tied directly to that anger of his.

For Cas, it’s facing and fully accepting the innate humanity he’s always displayed, trusting in it and having no reason to question, doubt or fear it.

So if we get a series ending where Dean is finally having pronounced faith (in himself, not in a higher power) (which is why God as the Big Bad is especially fitting like omfg), and this faith allowing him to tap into his sense of trust (in others rather than himself, but also this extended trust being possible thanks to his newfound trust in himself) and this sense of trust brings about some much needed inner peace, then Cas’ role in Dean’s arc has been fulfilled. 

And if we have Cas bringing his accrued understanding and internalised humanity (trusting that his sense of compassion is a strength, not a weakness) back to Heaven in order to bring about actual balance and finally mending what he himself has played a large part in breaking apart, then that would fit with Cas’ overall arc and the lessons Dean, as a role model, was meant to teach will be implemented. 

Neat.

Except.

Except for the fact that, if Cas goes fully-fledged angel, returns to Heaven and the series ends on him staying there, these three narratively unsatisfactory points hold true:

He will still, when dead, be bound for the Empty

He will be giving up his family

He will, end of the day, be embracing duty over freedom

Yeah, we need to talk about these three unsatisfactory points, fam.

1. The Empty

Ah, yes, here we go. 

The lay of the land is that Cas made a deal with the Empty to save Jack. I wrote a long meta on this so I won’t go into too much detail, save to say that it’s a deal that left Cas promised to the Empty, with the twist that the Empty won’t claim Cas before he gives himself permission to be happy.

Yeah. Ouch much?

I’ve already argued my point for why I doubt Cas will die, but what would happen in a scenario where Cas returns to Heaven fully-fledged, meant to remain there for the rest of his… existence?

I would suppose there would needs be a reckoning between the Empty and Cas before Cas commits to this return, because since they planted the Empty lording its deal with Cas over Cas’ head as recently as 15x13, I have a hard time seeing the writers solving this plot point with anything less than us seeing Cas relaxing into a moment of happiness-permission.

That said, let’s say they do. Let’s say there’s a flick-of-the-wrist solution. I don’t think there will be, but for the sake of argument. And by flick-of-the-wrist I mean we get the Empty showing up in a moment where Cas is truly happy, but the Empty’s appearance doesn’t hold sway thanks to some external force: Jack or Death herself, rather than an internal triumph linked entirely to his individual arc, or in any way linked back to Dean. 

(and though some may argue against the love story being canonically viable) (though I’d argue that it is) (the fact that Dean and Cas share a profound bond and a different dynamic to Sam and Cas, and even Dean and Sam, is canonically established) (through both grief!arcs for Dean) (and through Cas choosing to leave in S15 having everything to do with Dean and absolutely nothing to do with Sam)

Solving the deal with the Empty is fairly easily done, even though the flick-of-the-wrist solution won’t be as satisfactory for most of us who know Cas and root for him, and even if the flick-of-the-wrist moment could conceivably come with someone powerful enough (like Jack or even Death, who, though she won’t do hands on interference, seems to have made a promise to the Empty that it will get to go back to sleep once all is said and done) (but, as we know, Billie speaks in riddles), despite the viable characters possibly powerful enough to destroy the Empty, actually destroying it immediately feels, to me, like too big of a cop out and I doubt the writers would even consider it. 

Again, this is very much based in my reading of the Empty as Cas’ Shadow, and Cas’ Shadow shouldn’t be destroyed. 

For it all to symbolically line up, the Empty should be symbolically integrated. 

(the way Michael - Dean’s Shadow representative - wasn’t destroyed, but instead had his essence swallowed down by Jack, becoming a part of him instead, and all that symbolic toxic masculinity poison inside Jack leading to all sorts of narrative repercussions, needing to be levelled out by Jack growing enough to retrieve his soul and return his own internal equilibrium) (which, in turn, is highly symbolic on so many levels) (but enough digression)

Based on this, once the battles are won and God has been defeated, the Empty would remain. So even though the deal is dealt with through whatever means it’s dealt with: that dark, vast, nothing would be the place where angels who die go to suffer a restless, horrific sleep.

For eternity. 

And that’s my first argument for why I personally do not want Cas to remain an angel past the conclusion of the show: the Empty looms as victor and will eventually get to claim Cas, even if Cas gets out of the deal he’s made.

I mean, how likely is it that Cas doesn’t face death at some point, really? He’s pretty prone to dying, especially dying for what he believes to be right. 

Digression into The Middle Ground as it should be tied in here:

The Middle Ground

Scenario the Third —> 

Is there a middle ground here?

Now, here’s a bit of a rub, because way I see it, exploring if there’s a possibility of Cas ending up neither fully-fledged nor human needs to be based in the assumption that Cas isn’t getting his powers back at all.

Which means that, in this middle ground scenario, whatever exchange that occurs between Dean and Cas in 15x18 has nothing to do with them. 

For example, the heavy scene that Jensen and Misha were talking about Dean and Cas suffering through could have to do with Jack, though if something terrible is going to happen to Jack or if Jack is going to sacrifice himself for the greater good, I have a hard time seeing Sam not being present.

However, for arguments sake…

In this scenario, where Cas doesn’t power up, we should thirdly assume that we’re left with there being no reason for Cas to choose a human life either. 

He simply remains in the same shape and form in which he currently is. 

The same shape and form that he’s held since S9, when he suited back up after the human!Cas arc and readied himself for war, necessarily and formidably and to his emotional detriment for many years as it brought on his darkest arc (Lucifer possession). 

This choice was a narrative necessity, because human!Cas was already growing into his own skin by 9x09, and it’s made perfectly clear why Cas had to go through it all, because he had to face his fear of being useless without his powers, and unaccepted as an equal and nothing more than expendable with them.

So, would the middle ground scenario - keeping him as is, with all the character progression intact and him, clearly, set to grow and evolve beyond the series’ ending - be narratively satisfactory?

And by narratively satisfactory I mean that this scenario:

ties up loose ends

justifies the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression

leaves us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative

I’ll get back to this, but for now I’ll reiterate how Cas remaining an angel in any shape or form, be it the one he’s had for many a season, or a new and powered up version, still means, as per our narrative, that he’s going to have to spend eternity in the Empty.

So, no. 

To me - not satisfactory.

Now for the second point up for discussion, should the series end with Cas becoming fully-fledged and returning to Heaven to stay there —>

(while bearing in mind that this is all conjecture and based in my reading of this narrative) (don’t forget them pinches of salt, my loves)

2. Giving Up His Family

Would he have to give up his family, though? If he goes fully-fledged and returns to Heaven to lead in any capacity, doesn’t that just mean that he’ll hear Dean’s prayers and return as often as he can? Which, if their previous track record is anything to go by, would be often. It’s not like this is an ending, right?

Well. 

I think it has to be for the narrative to actually have a conclusion. 

They could half-ass it and leave the ending open to interpretation, sure; but the question as it stands to be answered is for Castiel to choose between being an angel and being a man, and narratively the half-assed answer is how he’s been living for the majority of his journey.

He has, since S9, been sincerely stuck between these two modes of existing, one foot in Heaven and the other out of it, and for a lot of his progression, this half-assed state of existence has meant horribly broken wings and thinking himself only useful as a weapon.

The narrative itself has pushed for Cas’ internal conflict to be centered on how to honestly answer the question of what his true identity is, and the only way for him to answer it honestly is to gain perspective enough so that he’s able to take a long hard look at who he wants to be.

Due to this, Cas’ internal conflict, since S4, has been circling Cas’ avoidance of being honest with himself. (perfectly mirroring Dean)

So for the narrative to end on the answer being angel, only for Cas to continue to be allowed to half-ass it (because it would be too sad to watch him make a choice that means giving up his family) leaves his journey, and all those hard-learned lessons, coming across as rather pointless. 

He was stuck half-assing it for all these years because he hadn’t found the needed perspective to answer the question honestly, so if his honest answer is angel and this honest answer is meant to bring self-actualisation and a step toward real internal balance (or internal completion, if you will) then leaving him in a half-assing it state as the narrative concludes is unsatisfactory.

Let’s look again at the ways to narratively satisfactorily end Cas’ journey:

tying up loose ends

justifying the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression

leaving us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative

The answer is yes to all of these points if Cas becomes a fully-fledged angel and STAYS in Heaven, with no detours to Earth, because angels aren’t meant to walk the Earth, and it was them walking the Earth after staying away for two thousand years that really started this whole roller coaster ride of destruction and mayhem, right? Right.

Castiel making peace with his past and accepting the fact that he was never meant to live an earthbound existence, taking all the good things humanity has taught him, and fully embracing his own innate humanity in order to take away the fear and indoctrination of Heaven, would make for a satisfactory ending to his individual arc.

At least the superficial reading of it.

And I’m not about the superficial reading of it. 

And of course I don’t want this for Cas. But looking at it from a purely narrative viewpoint, I can see how this could work.

It just means that Cas would have to recognise his ties to Dean for what they are (in this scenario): a teachable moment. And Cas has learned his lessons. And he’ll always be grateful, but it’s time for him to let go.

Yeah, like I said, I don’t want this for Cas or for Cas and Dean, but I can see it as viable. More viable than Cas half-assing it as a fully-fledged angel, because that leaves a much bigger narrative exclamation point for me in that it basically invalidates the necessity for his broken wings and rebellion as part of his character growth.

If he’s going to land back exactly where he started, then he should’ve been able to get there fully-fledged. But, of course, he couldn’t get there fully-fledged because the writers couldn’t work him into the narrative if he was powered up.

He was always too powerful an ally to the very breakable brothers, and if he’d been fully-fledged throughout, it would’ve messed up our sense of the stakes.

But now, should he be allowed to half-ass it as fully-fledged once the narrative has ended, his brokeness, which has always been so essential to his progression, will come across much less as an integral part of that, and all the more like nothing but a narrative necessity, rather than a way to structure and explore Cas’ needs as a character for internal growth that have always, so beautifully, mirrored Dean’s needs.

Of course, if Cas were to choose to go back (forever), then there’s the highly satisfactory tie-back potential of a goodbye between Cas and Dean linking right back to the end of S8, giving us the gravitas of the “ET goes home” moment in full regalia.

It would be heartbreaking af, but for it to hold that gravitas, ET really has to get on that spaceship and go off home forever this time. You know?

In my book, it would be the tragedy to end all tragedies. *please no*

3. Duty over Freedom

This is a big one for me.

It’s a big one because the overarching and driving themes of our narrative have always had to do with —>

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and duty)

And the constant push and pull of these three thematic threads decrees the ups and downs of Cas’ progression, as well as Dean’s, because of the way that their deeply rooted view on duty is directed at everything and everyone but themselves, and this view on duty is informed by their sense of loyalty, and that sense of loyalty is all askew due to their lack of self-worth.

Sam has this same duty-triggered sense of loyalty as well, though in a slightly different guise, because though Dean and Cas have both been messed up by their respective fathers’ indoctrination into soldierdome (the root of the root of their view on duty) Sam’s sense of duty is to his father figure, which is Dean. 

Sam may have rejected feeling any sense of duty towards John, but the codependency has ensured that Sam is still stuck in the same pattern, has learned it, one might say, through looking up to Dean and, to my mind, knowing the sacrifices Dean has always made, putting Sam first, no matter what, and the codependency has held due to Sam’s diminished self-worth after every choice he made during his time with Ruby. 

Defeating the devil and saving the world, in spite of those choices, wasn’t enough to heal the trauma he inflicted on his own self-perception, and his trust began to seep out of him with every new situation lobbied at him where control was taken away from him. So he handed that control over to Dean. And let him lead. Because it was just easier. 

(I love this show so much) (the threading is so breathtaking)

Now, back to Cas —>

The narrative has worked to teach Cas a lesson.

The lesson of choice.

But making choices without having the self-worth to trust your innate instincts, as well as having an understanding of your own morals and boundaries, is a recipe for disaster.

As the narrative has shown us, time and again.

Each horrific choice Cas has made has been pushing for him to gain enough self-insight that he’ll learn from his mistakes, and grow.

And he has.

There is the darker side of duty, the one where one does what one has to, where one makes the bad deal, where fear is allowed to govern one’s sense of direction, and old patterns are easier to remain in than forging new ones.

This is the sense of duty all of our main characters seem set to break away from.

But, of course, their core traits are also informed by their deeply felt need to protect innocent life, to step in where they know they’re the only ones who can actually make a difference, to take responsibility for ensuring the safety of people who are in harms way.

Yah, this sense of duty (the one that makes them into actual heroes) is informed by the good side to loyalty.

What they need to break away from is following old patterns blindly, without asking themselves what they actually want, and without much planning or hope for the future. 

So if the scenario we get is the one that gives us Castiel, Angel of the Lord, where he goes back to Heaven at the end of the series, with all the bells and whistles that comes along with that, allowing Cas to actually bring about some sense of peace and order and fix his home, then we still get the unsatisfactory ingredient of Cas reverting back to old patterns, because we have this stated:

You listen to me. Look, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you… It’s been the best part of my life, and the things we’ve shared together - they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you.

We have it narratively stated through dialogue that Cas:

considers his time on Earth the best part of his “life” (a very human thing for an angel to say btw)

that what he’s shared with the Winchesters has changed him (and we’ve seen that manifested in all of the choices he’s made throughout S13-15 where he stopped serving Heaven, began serving Man only to, by beginning of S15, start to serve himself, listening to his own wants and needs and setting clear boundaries for how he expects to be treated)

that he considers the Winchesters - and, of course, this now includes Jack - as his family

and he loves them

He loves them. One might say that his heart is, symbolically, earthbound.

Back to the bulletpoint overview of how to narratively satisfactorily end Cas’ journey and, keeping in mind the three points discussed above of what remaining an angel at the end of his journey would actually mean for Cas as a character, we ask ourselves:

Does him remaining an angel satisfactorily tie up loose ends?

Does him remaining an angel justify the obstacles he’s had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression?

Does him remaining an angel leave us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative?

For me, it’s a pretty big and hella bold-lettered no to the first two, and a meh to the third one, because yes, we’ll get a good idea of what a Heavenbound Cas might do with his existence, but it’s not a satisfactory yes, because of all the already mentioned reasons. 

He’ll have answered the identity question by choosing Angel as his reply, but that reply nullifies so much of the emotional growth he’s done over the years, and goes against the multitude of narrative statements given to us of where he feels he belongs.

So, nothing else to do but to discuss the second possible scenario on our checklist, right?

Yaaaaassss indeed. Not going to lie. I’m partial to this one. Pardon me if my love for the human!Cas arc shines through. (it glitters and sparkles)

So Very, Very Human

Scenario the Second —> Cas’ powers are fully restored and…

We get to witness that heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas, but then, instead of staying in Heaven, we get Cas, fully powered, gaining the perspective he needs of who he truly is and who he wants to be, leading to a series ending where Cas chooses to become human, returning to Earth and all the shenanigans of a hunter life.

My main reason for standing so firmly behind the idea of Castiel cutting out his grace and choosing a human life is anchored in the three thematic tentpoles of this narrative’s push for character progression.

As already mentioned, they are:

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and duty)

The in-between state Cas has been hovering in since Dean’s death at the end of S9, an in-between state that won’t be satisfactorily concluded (as per my above argumentation against it) through him becoming a fully-fledged powered up angel of the lord warrior of Heaven again, would be satisfactorily concluded should he choose, for himself, that where he wants to be, where he belongs, is with his family.

He belongs on Earth.

And the foremost reason for why he belongs on Earth isn’t actually based in the fact that it’s where those he loves are, it runs deeper than that, because in order for Cas to feel whole, in order for him to feel, as the narrative has put it more than once in the last few seasons, complete, he needs to accept what his true form is, he needs to open up to what the narrative has tried to teach him and show him, for all these years, that it is, and that true form is human.

Do we need him to feel whole? There are plenty of broken people in this world, right? Why can’t Cas be representative of someone who has found his place, regardless of whether he’s all fixed up? Perhaps he keeps his broken wings and still changes his attitude from feeling like he’s a “thing” to thinking of himself as simply himself?

Perhaps he already is doing exactly that?

This line of questioning brings us back to —>

The Middle Ground

Let’s reiterate Scenario the Third: based in the assumption that Cas isn’t getting his powers back at all, and we’re left with there being no reason for Cas to choose a human life either. He simply remains in the same shape and form that he’s more or less held since S9.

Now, I’ll ask it again: would the middle ground scenario - keeping him as is, with all the character progression intact and him, clearly, set up to grow and evolve beyond the series’ ending - be narratively satisfactory?

Does it tie up loose ends?

Does it justify the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression?

Does it leave us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative?

Well, let’s see.

Does Cas remaining as he has been - broken wings and all - tie up loose ends?

Loose ends for Cas would be the fact that Heaven is falling apart; the deal with the Empty; answering that overarching question of Angel or Man? (no longer considering himself an in between thing); claiming the place where he belongs (a Cas is Back in Town moment); displaying a healthy sense of duty (shield rather than weapon) and narratively being rewarded for Big Lessons Learned.

Loose End: Heaven is Falling Apart —>

As mentioned, Cas has tried to fix his home since end of S5, where he declared that was he was going to do to a grief stricken Dean, and left (oh Cas)

Cas’ first attempt was to bring what he’d learned about free will to Heaven, trying to teach it to the angels, discovering, to his great despair, that it’s like trying to teach poetry to fish, but, again, I would argue that Cas wasn’t fully equipped to act the teacher, and because he forced himself into the role, seeing no other way to beat Raphael than to push for the type of rebellion he learned how to stage through his time with Dean, it ended with Cas’ confused sense of identity manifesting in him morphing into the figure he’d hoped could save them all: God.

Rather than believing he was enough, he could see no other choice but to become something else entirely, something that went against everything he truly believes to his core to be right, turning him into something violent and discompassionate, pushing him to finally admit the error in his choice, only to have it be too late, and that choice ending up setting the Leviathan loose on the world while he died in that lake, paying the ultimate price for his mistakes.

This part of Cas’ backstory, the deep failure, the shame, the guilt that came with it, has been underpinning Cas’ lack of self-worth and, more importantly, his lack of self-trust ever since he came back in 7x17. 

This is why Heaven now sitting on the brink of collapse is tied so specifically to his character journey and why it’s an important loose end that is in need of tying up, not only plot wise, but as part of a narrative statement clarifying Cas’ progression.

How so?

Because there should be good reason - whether Cas stays on Earth as is, or whether he makes the choice to become human - for him to feel at peace with that choice, and especially if Cas is to stay as is - broken wings and all - there’s even more reason for us to understand that he’s no longer in-between Heaven and Earth: he’s able to let Heaven go.

So if Heaven is no longer crying out for him to, out of sheer narrative necessity, stay dutifully tied to that sense of guilt and shame that his previous failures have placed in him, keeping him feeling ever so responsible for his birthplace, making it rather impossible for him to actually weigh what he truly wants for himself, then once Heaven is balanced out, what we might get to witness is Cas able to definitively let Heaven go. Cas making one final choice of remaining on Earth, and making it for himself.

Saving Heaven from this threat of continued errosion is most easily accomplished through two narrative tools that are already established in the narrative:

Jack using his powers to help restore this balance 

or an archangel returning to Heaven and restoring a semblence of it’s former glory (Michael might change his mind...for example)

Both these things can happen without Cas being fully-fledged, nor does he need to be human, he can stay just as he’s been and Heaven can still find balance. 

One could even see how Heaven actually being balanced out at the end of the series and Cas being allowed to breathe again could be structured into serving as his narrative reward for Big Lessons Learned. Because there should be a reward at the end of Cas’ journey. He’s literally been to Hell and back. 

The thing is that for that reward to be apparent to us, we need to see the moment where he truly earns it, a moment that establishes that he’s not only aware of what the narrative has been pushing for him to learn, but the Big Lessons are internalised and his journey has worked to evolve him.

The simplest way of showing these Big Lessons Learned to the audience and clarifying this moment of Cas earning his reward, is by giving us a sense of Cas choosing. 

Why? 

Because the narrative, as already offered, is based in the theme of Freedom of Choice, and ideally Cas’ choice would tie directly in with the other two overarching themes of identity and family.

Which lands us in this question: What exactly would Cas be shown to choose should he remain as is? 

Because, to my mind, Cas remaining as he is makes it pretty difficult to show him making any sort of choice, since he is literally just staying as he has been, especially as he has been since he made that choice back in 13x04 of returning from the Empty to Earth, being sent back in his old vessel. 

See, he’s already chosen where he wants to belong, and S15, if anything, has underlined this choice having been made, through Cas’ confrontation with Dean, Cas leaving the bunker because of Dean, and then returning, before Dean apologised, because Dean being a dickhead no longer interferes with Cas’ sense of self: he knows where he belongs.

(and without him returning nothing will change) *slow eye-brow raise*

And it may not have been an overt Cas is Back in Town moment, but it came damn close.

So, then, what choice does he need to make?

For me, the choice isn’t where to belong, because the answer has been given to us through his actions since S13, but especially throughout S15, but rather the choice still ahead of him is how to belong. 

And lest we forget, should Cas choose to belong on Earth as an angel, he will still, by all accounts, be headed for the Empty once all is said and done, Because at the end of it all, the Empty will (most likely) get to go back to sleep. I cannot see it going bye-bye. 

So the fact remains that, even if there’s some way out of Cas’ current Empty deal, there’s nowhere else for Cas to go when he dies.

And after everything he’s been through (and as per the romantic in me) shouldn’t he get to go to Heaven, and shouldn’t it be a shared Heaven, one where his soulmate resides? I would argue with my last breath that the answer is yes.

But, my loves, there’s only one way for him to get there. 

Oh, let me add that I don’t believe Cas still has his soul, because then he wouldn’t have gone so completely to the Empty after his angel death. Honestly, I like it better that way, because the humanity of humans is often professed to reside with their soul, but Cas is a statement of how one’s humanity is actually tied to one’s choices, giving us an excellent example of how it doesn’t matter what you are, it matters what you do. 

Jack’s choices, for example, may have become heavily influenced by him losing his soul and his ability to feel fully, but most of his mistakes were brought on because of the lack of guidance he suffered. WWWD was not a very good piece of advice, and had Dean been the one to take on the responsibility (which he couldn’t, because of his suspicion rooted in all his own fears, but if he had) then the outcome would’ve most likely been a different one. 

I’ll leave the How Cas Can Get Into Heaven topic for now, and focus us back on the loose ends, because the one that sticks out the most - at least to me - is how, if Cas were to remain as he is, neither getting his wings back nor choosing to become human, we will not get an actual answer to the narratively posed question of Angel or Man?

Loose End: The Question of His True Identity

Cas remaining as is, isn’t a final choice. 

It may be an acceptance of how he has to remain broken and somewhat stuck in-between if he’s to live on Earth and be with his human family, but it’s not a choice, not really, not this late in the game. 

For me, this isn’t a deal breaker (in fact, no scenario really is because I in no way expect all of this to be hitting the spot to a T anyway) but it would be highly unsatisfactory.

Why is it so important to get a definitive answer to the Angel or Man question? After all, it was posed six seasons ago and perhaps the narrative has actually moved on from it?

Yes, this is absolutely a good point and a possibility at that, and, again, I am in no way deluded enough to think that all of this speculation will hit on what we’ll actually get with even the slightest precision, but for my own sake (which is really why I’m outlining all these thoughts yeah?) I want to push for why I still feel, to my core, that leaving Cas with broken wings, even if he finds self-worth and self-actualisation in that half-state, there is something deeply unsatisfactory in the loose end of not actually answering the question of which side to him - the angelic or the human - that actually brings him the most happiness.

(I almost wrote “which side to him actually sparks joy”) (but no) (I mean kinda yes he should Marie Kondo his insides) (we all should do that once in a while) (them mean thoughts and them self-destructive impulses?) (yeah they can go) (anyway…)

Not giving us a definitive answer to the question of identity is especially dissatisfying as the narrative, for over ten years of character journey, has shown us how miserable it makes Cas to not be earthbound. In fact, the one time he made the choice to go back to Heaven and close the gates behind him forever in order to save humanity, the narrative said nope, don’t think so - and brought him right back to humanity. By making him human.

I will concede to this being my interpretation of Cas’ journey, because nowhere in canon is this stated, but way I see it, Cas has been transitioning from angel to human since the second he touched Dean in Hell.

And it’s not a desire placed there by Dean, it’s something Cas has carried within himself, a curiosity, and a seedling of doubt, ever since he came off the assembly line with a crack in his chassis. 

Gripping Dean tight and raising him from perdition merely served to give Cas’ already existing curiosity, and doubt, something to actually focus on. Something to focus on so hard that all the brainwashing done by Heaven couldn’t keep it at bay anymore, because it’s part of who Cas truly is to question authority, to seek free will, to not be used as a weapon, but to step in and act the shield of his own volition.

Which brings us back to the second scenario, which I’m now going to expand on —>

So Very, Very Human (again)

Remember those three tentpoles of this narrative’s push for character progression? 

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and sense of duty)

And what were all those loose ends in need of being tied up?

Heaven is falling apart

The deal with the Empty

Answering that overarching question of Angel or Man? (no longer considering himself an in between thing)

Claiming the place where he belongs (a Cas is Back in Town moment)

Displaying a healthy sense of duty (shield rather than weapon) 

Narratively being rewarded for Big Lessons Learned

I am not saying Cas has to become human in order for his journey to conclude 100% satisfactorily, thus spake the lords of storytelling; I am open to (no I mean it sincerely) whatever is headed our way, whatever the writers choose as an ending that is satisfactory to them, I will accept it, whatever guise it takes, yeah? 

This is simply my personal preference for what would be the most satisfactory to me, and I’m making that statement now, because I’m about to go headfirst into outlining exactly why. Thanks for sticking with me this far. You’re awesome. *heart eyes*

Okay. 

Human!Cas. 

Before we look ahead, I’d like us to look back, all the way back to S9 and the human!Cas arc, because I’d like to explain, briefly, why I put down the need for a Cas is Back in Town moment amidst those loose ends.

You see, when Cas first experienced mortality, we all know it started rough. It started with him feeling lost and being all alone and getting himself killed and then it continued with him believing he’d finally come home to roost in the bunker, only to be inexplicably thrown out, by Dean, and then Cas went on to find himself a human persona (Steve) and learning to mimick other humans and doing simply what he figured was expected of him, and then Dean came into town and because Dean encouraged Cas to get in on the case, Cas was brought into a situation where he had no choice but to face the fear of getting himself killed again, only this time he’d probably stay dead - a fear that had been festering like a terrible festering festerer - and once he’d done that, he was able to finally admit to himself that “Steve” wasn’t anything but an armour and he dropped that armour and then we got the Cas is back in town moment of 9x09 fame.

So.

It would be awesome for him to have another Cas is Back in Town moment. 

Why, exactly?

Because that’s the moment in the human!Cas arc when we are shown, unequivocally, that Cas’ sense of identity is flourishing. He is choosing to insert himself into the investigation, even though the last time we saw Cas, it was when he was told by Dean Touchstone for all Things Human Winchester to go and live his life, basically having it explained to him, by his foremost role model for what humanity is, that life, and specifically this newfound life of Cas’, should be lived away from dangerous things. 

Cas being back in town, and happy and proud to be so, is all about Cas embracing his innate need to protect, even if that means risking his own life, and choosing a hunter life for himself, finding his way back to the people he loves by being entirely honest with himself about who he is and who he wants to be, not allowing fear to rule him. 

He follows his heart, you might say. (go on, you know you wanna say it)

And yes, out of narrative necessity - because Cas can’t see how he can help save/heal Sam or stave off the brewing war as a human - Cas then chooses to swallow stolen grace and get his powers back, which, btw, brings about the most heartbreaking phone exchange between Dean and Cas ever. Ow. My damn heart.

So then, that’s the human!Cas arc in brief, and the core reason for why I feel so very strongly that Cas - who screwed himself by swallowing that grace, unable to see how he could possibly be useful in the fight as a human, even though he displays a stronger sense of self as a human than he ever has as an angel - would be happiest, at the end of his journey, if he were to end it on making the choice to become human, to live a mortal life, with his family, on Earth.

And, yes, then, rather than spending eternity in the dread Empty, getting to go to Heaven with the man he goddamn well loves, innit?

Ah, but there’s more. Oh, yes.

1. Identity

In ways that remaining an angel narratively simply cannot provide, Cas choosing to become human would cement the end of his transitioning period and would be the final marker for those Big Lessons Learned.

The Big Lessons presented to him throughout the narrative, meant to bring him to a point of growth in his progression where he can finally and honestly and without hesitation answer the questions Who am I? and Who do I want to be? ie. What do I want? 

And, yes, if the answer to these questions were: Human. and To live a long and happy life. then this would also answer the question of what Cas’ true identity is, ie. it would provide the conclusive reply to the Angel or Man? query.

And yes, of course, so would the reply Angel, but as I’ve attempted to demonstrate through my above argumentation, replying Angel still comes with dangling loose ends.

I would also argue that Cas’ happiest moment could be, and even should be, tied to his moment of self-actualisation, his moment of finally being honest with himself, not only honest about where he truly belongs, but how he wants to belong there.

He’s been missing that PB&J, but he has never believed that he would be of any use in the fight if he doesn’t have his powers. He’s been unable to actually see himself as part of the Winchester clan if he doesn’t have something to bring to the table, because the last time he tried, he was left with what he saw as no other choice but to admit defeat and swallow that stolen grace, so that he could power back up and feel ready, feel less vulnerable, find those old, worn patterns and take comfort from them. 

To have Cas restored to full strength - because I do believe it would be a beautiful moment, not just for Cas, but for Jack as well, and if Dean is there, then it would be an all around gorgeous moment of healing - to then have Cas, with all his powers, finally admit that he doesn’t want them, because he doesn’t need them anymore, they’re not as much a part of him as they’re a helpful side effect to being an angel, and he doesn’t belong in Heaven, he doesn’t want to be in Heaven, and he may not know exactly what a human life will entail - he has an inkling, since his stint as a human, but there’s still so much he’s never experienced - he just knows he wants it.

And this would all be brain-crackling, full of satisfaction and tying up of many loose ends, as well as underlining the actual necessity for Cas’ journey through all of the Big Lessons Learned. *feels*

There could be stakes added here, tying back to S8 and the closing of the gates. To bring about balance, perhaps the gates of Heaven and Hell need to close for good? Ie. there’ll be no more angels and demons walking the Earth. So the choice for Cas wouldn’t be an in between one, it would be an either or. Stay in Heaven forever and remain an angel, or go back to Earth, but go back as a human. 

It fits the narrative if anything like this were to happen - Cas being confronted with an ultimatum that forces clarity - because Cas isn’t contemplating cutting out his grace. Not yet. He’s safe within the status quo and sees no reason to question it, not even with the Empty popping up to remind him of their deal.

Aw, yes, let’s explore how the Empty so neatly ties in with Cas’ fear of happiness. (perfectly mirroring Dean) 

Now, remember, I’m looking at this with the Empty as representative of Cas’ Shadow, which, in Carl Jung terms means the Empty is a manifestation of Cas’ unconscious. 

The Shadow, made up of repressed thoughts, desires and feelings, doesn’t trust that anything will ever be okay or that anything good will last - it’s up to oneself to consciously strive to dare to believe in such things, and conquer one’s unconscious fears, because if our fears are allowed to influence and rule us, then real happiness will be difficult to accept as lasting, and the emotional roller coaster will feel safer than actually standing still in a balanced frame of mind.

The Shadow is in charge of that roller coaster. It’s not really as menacing as it’s made out to be through the Empty, but it is still a side to oneself that one has to face, accept and integrate in order to find that balanced from of mind.

Looking at it from this point of view - and I do - the Shadow telling Cas to keep fearing that moment of happiness — because it won’t last, it will mean he’s bound for the Empty, and a horrifying eternal non-sleep, with no peace in sight — is a manipulative tactic to keep Cas from striving toward self-actualisation and integration.

Because if he does reach self-actualisation, if he balances himself out and gets a moment of perfect internal clarity, where there’s no need for fear, where he’s been able to be honest with himself and honestly LOVE himself in the process, then that moment of self-actualisation will allow him to see his Shadow clearly, and integrate it through acceptance of his own flaws - that shame and guilt and all of that fear of failure will begin to be healed, and his Shadow will have no more emotional buttons to push in order to keep Cas cowed, mistrusting of himself, and defeated.

His conscious self (ego) will no longer be ruled by his unconscious (shadow).

So how does Cas actually beat the deal?

I mean, from that above reading, I would say that a very effective way for him to break the deal is to stop fearing that moment of happiness, and by no longer allowing his fear to rule him, being able to reach his moment of self-actualisation, and the moment of integration.

Cas choosing to become human would be a moment of honesty, of self-insight, of acceptance. It would be a moment of deep, deep self-actualisation. A moment of real internal peace, followed, I would say, by a moment of true happiness.

So let me paint you a detailed spec scenario, because it demonstrates why I am so behind this idea, not that I think this is The Scenario, but because it simply makes sense and ticks all the boxes for satisfaction that are at the back of my head.

Fully-fledged Cas is in Heaven (which is balanced out thanks to Jack/Michael/Death or whatever constellation is created to Fix It) and Cas is now faced with the option to stay an angel, or to go back to Earth a human. 

He makes the choice - meaning his moment of true happiness. *identity based*

The Empty appears. 

But the thing is, Cas now knows what he’s found for himself by making this choice - a loophole.

He cuts out his grace doubly triumphant: he gets to go home, and the Empty has no hold over him anymore.

He is not for the Empty - he is human, and when he dies, he will go to Heaven.

It’s not about taking anything away from him or saying that he’s not fine just as he is, it’s building on the narrative push for him to accept himself, just as he’s always been, and stop fighting it, stop questioning it, stop worrying that he won’t be enough without his powers, that he won’t be able to contribute, that he won’t be looked at the same, because, in the end, when it comes to self-actualisation, all that matters is what you think and what you know to be your truth.

Self-actualisation is about your acceptance of yourself, it’s about your ability to love yourself through that acceptance, and it, in turn, opening you up to receiving love, knowing, to your core, that you are lovable and deserve to be loved.

With this scenario comes a Big Lessons Learned moment that sets Cas up for a reward. 

And what should it be?

2. Family

As already mentioned, we know who Cas considers to be his family: Dean, Sam and Jack.

If Jack doesn’t end up sacrificing himself for the greater good (which I feel is more plausible a death than any other), then his human side would, most likely, keep him on Earth. 

And then there’s Sam. Dear Sam. Who’s a friend in need and a friend, indeed.

Lastly, there’s Dean. And the depth of what Dean means for Cas, and what Dean narratively has meant for Cas’ progression, is pretty much impossible to overlook. 

I know I already brought this up, but I think it’s important to note, because whether we get a textual  pronounciation and conclusion to the subtextual love story between Dean and Cas, or whether it’s kept in subtext and merely strongly hinted at, the fact of the matter is that they matter to one another, more so than anyone else have ever mattered to them and this would, of course, provide the tragedy of a goodbye, should a goodbye be required, and the ending be tragic, but it also pushes on the very real fact of how a reward, in any guise, would most easily be tied to what they’ve narratively (and very canonically) have meant for one another.

Yes, when I say they matter more to each other than anyone else, this means even Sam for Dean, because Sam isn’t the character in the narrative put there to help push for Dean’s progression - Cas is. 

To put it plainly: the codependency is the placeholder, highlighting the progression that’s needed to reach self-actualisation. The trust and healthy challenges Dean shares with Cas is the opposite, underlining the fears he needs to face, and where he should get to emotionally, once he has reached self-actualisation. 

Cas’ relationship with Dean - and how Dean was a role model in all things human, at least up until the moment Cas stated there was nothing left to say and stepped out of that bunker, because he’d learned what he could and he had no interest in learning how to be so unforgiving, which was a Big Lesson, since it takes the label of teacher off Dean and allows him to be entirely something else - could easily serve as a satisfactory conclusion and statement of Cas having incorporated all the lessons of the narrative, especially since so many of them tie directly back to Dean.

Cas embracing his own humanity, for himself, without worrying about what that humanity might mean for anyone else, and believing himself deserving of love due to letting go of all those old fears, thanks to him reaching a point of self-actualisation, would mean that he would stop waiting for Dean to make a move, and might very well make that move himself. 

Personally I’m doubtful it will be textual, but what stronger statement could the writers make of who ends up with whom than to end the series on Sam with Eileen, and Cas returning from Heaven, human, and giving us something very akin to that Cas is Back in Town moment (even if it’s only in spirit)? 

It would serve to let us know that, of course, Cas isn’t fearful of his mortality this time around. He’s empowered by it. And him returning to the bunker, to his family, to the life, to Dean, signals to us how he’s very ready to get back to it all, including going out hunting (with Dean).

Simple. Neat. Non-explicit, and yet undeniable. 

Aka closure.

The good kind. You know? The one that leaves you exhilarated and dancing around your room laughing with joy at how amazing all the subsequent fanfiction will most likely be, exploring all of their post-series finale shen-an-i-gans?? Yeah, that good kind. 

*head exploding*

Most of all, for the people out there who, like me, are thirsty for satisfaction, they will remain Team Free Will (hopefully 2.0), they will remain a family, they will remain. 

There may be new dynamics to work with, but they will still be them and they will remain as close as they ever were, with the promise of them all growing even closer, following each other’s continued progression as they all move into a new phase in their lives. But together.

3. Freedom of Choice

Cas choosing to become human would effectively demonstrate to us how he’s leaving behind the yoke of his previous sense of duty. 

Instead of praying for guidance, or relying on external forces to dictate what his actions should be, he’ll still be doing what has to be done, but he’ll be doing it purely reliant on his own personal view of the world and his place in it.

This would be a rather remarkable way to address how so many of his choices have been made under duress, either because he’s been manipulated into them without having the wherewithal to see through the manipulation (Crowley, Metatron, Lucifer) or because he’s simply felt lost, mistrusting his inner compass and unable to follow any gut instinct that would’ve otherwise been able to guide him.

In making the choice to become human, Cas would cast off his past, shake it off, as it were, and move into his future, free to take it as it comes in a way we’ve only seen him be once before. (as a human)

I suppose my hope is for our love story to grow into the text before the end, but I’m also very aware that we’re rapidly moving towards the 11th hour, and I doubt we’ll get a last-minute confirmation or the show ending on a kiss between them, because this show isn’t about them. 

What’s important to remember, however, is that the fear of happiness runs deep in Dean as well, and Cas has been shown to provide Dean with a source of happiness that he doesn’t get from anyone else, so if Dean’s journey is to end on a high note, and he’s to face his fear of true happiness  and believe he deserves to be loved and the reward being… not linked to Cas in any way? I have a very hard time seeing that happening. So, I have faith.

What I hope for, more than anything at this point, is for an ending definitive enough that we don’t have to wonder and we don’t have to make it up for ourselves. 

An ending that is open enough that we know they will continue on, something for us to build on, and we most likely and most happily will build on it for ages to come, no matter what we get (at least I will), but still, an ending, a conclusion, a statement.

Closure.

*for the love of Ash’s hair*

To Summarise

Here endeth my long speculation and gentle argumentation for Cas to choose humanity at the end of our remarkable narrative. 

To give a brief overview of the points I’ve tried to make (hopefully I’ve succeeded in making them) (whether you agree or not is a different matter) —>

In 15x18 Cas makes the choice to return to Heaven to act as commander of the (handful? or will Jack be able to make more as his powers grow without, you know, transforming human souls?) of angels still there and make a concerted effort to defend Heaven, while Dean, Sam and Jack rally the troops on Earth, and Rowena rally the armies of Hell (please!)

He gets his powers back because the choice is the right one to make as he narratively needs the perspective in order to truly decide who he is and who he wants to be, and the reward for that right choice is that he doesn’t have to face the final battle with broken wings

There’s an ET goes home callback that makes us all fucking cry when Dean and Cas say their goodbyes, Dean being supportive af because that would be awesome, showing his progression

All the while, Dean wishes, fervently, that Cas would just stay, and at some point it would be doubly awesome for him to vocalise this

There is the possibility that everyone understands that if they win this war with God, and things start going back to “normal”, the best thing for everyone would be for the gates of Heaven and of Hell to close, but this might also be something that’s realised once the war is won

(of course it will be won) (thank fuck)

So, either Dean and Cas’ goodbye makes us cry because there’s the understanding that Cas won’t be able to just flit back and forth between Heaven and Earth as he pleases and so it’s really goodbye

Or it makes us cry because it’s still the end of them, as Cas is bound for Heaven again, and their relationship seems to be reverting to S4 status like N-O P-L-E-A-S-E

But because the gates of Heaven are closing (or not) Cas is pushed into making this choice for himself, and naw, he’s not going to stay in Heaven

The moment he makes the choice to return to Earth as a human, the Empty shows up to claim him

But the loophole allows Cas to tell the Empty to fuck right off as Cas (or another angel) cuts out his grace and he falls back to Earth. (in his human vessel) (if Metatron can do it, then an archangel such as Mike or even someone like Naomi, if she comes back on the board, can do it) (eh?)

Cas reunites with the gang, Sam and Eileen are lovey dovey, Dean and Cas are happy for them, and either they part ways here, Sam staying with Eileen, Dean and Cas heading out to Baby, or they stay together, a family unit, with Jack as well, of course, and it’s not like everything is perfect and they’re surrounded by a white picket fence and there are butterflies fluttering, because there’s still evil in the world that needs to be hunted and fought and they’ll always have work to do, but we see them together and we just know they’ll be alright.

All is peace.

And we are done.

FADE TO BLACK.

Buh-LIEVE me, this detail spec is not what we’re getting and I know it isn’t, but I wanted to write it out to explain what I got in my head, why it felt viable to me, and why the worry that they’ll give Cas his wings back and pack him off to Heaven and leave him there made me feel the need to write down why that is just not a good idea. (!!)

Do I actually believe they would ever do that?

I actually don’t. But, by that same token, I don’t know they wouldn’t. And to calm myself, I had to write out why I actually don’t think they would. Because narratively I cannot see how it would ever actually work that he becomes fully-fledged and goes away. You know?

Either he’ll remain as he is, and the Empty, and the sad parts that come with him not actually self-actualising before our eyes will simply be what it is, and I’ll accept it as it is, yeah? 

Or he’ll become human.

He won’t die again. I just do not believe he will. But hey, I’ve been wrong before! That’s partly the fun of this. It’s always so satisfying when you get it even in the ballpark of close to what we actually get on the show. Mh mh goodness.

What’s interesting to me, though, is the whole callback to S8 idea that hasn’t really left me alone since it got in my head, because it would be so lovely and so heartbreaking and so poignant. For Dean to be put in a situation where he supports Cas’ choices and does so without hesitation, but where he also ends up being compelled to say something, to tell Cas he wishes Cas could stay, or hopes Cas will come back or anything that just speaks to how Dean has let Cas disappear one too many times without properly expressing how, maybe, Dean would rather Cas stuck around.

It would, of course, tie back to the prayer, and to how Dean was absolutely ready to look Cas in the eyes, even though there were less then three minutes left on that ticking clock, and tell Cas what he’d felt compelled to say when he thought he was losing him again. There was no need for Dean to repeat it in purgatory, but maybe that was foreshadowing for what’s yet to come.

Even with the impossibility of Cas actually staying, because they have a war to win and Cas is needed elsewhere, it would be lovely if this is the moment Dean makes it clear that, under different circumstances, Dean would have preferred it that Cas stayed.

And for Cas to, instead of having humanity thrust upon him, the way it was in S8 when Metatron tricked him and cut out his grace, getting to choose it this time, and choose it for himself. 

The ET goes home moment would reflect S8 kind of perfectly, but with an actually happy outcome, hinting at a new human!Cas arc and, for me, that would be as good as textual Destiel because they’re on fire in the human!Cas arc. Like, they are moving towards something actual and tangible, the way they’re flirting with each other in that bar. I don’t think there is a more endearing or adorable moment than Cas drinking his beer and paying Dean a compliment and giving him a wink. And Dean then returning the flirtation. 

Um. Yes, please.

By the way, let me make it absolutely clear that there’s no doubt in my mind that the culmination of the love story in no way is relying on Cas becoming human. This isn’t a They Both Have to Be Human to be Together argument, because Dean has been in love with Cas for a long time, long before the human!Cas arc. It doesn’t matter what form Cas takes, to Dean Cas is Cas. 

The question is one of obstacles. We ask ourselves: what’s been stopping them from actually being together this whole time?

To me, all the choices that the characters make throughout S9 is an enormous turning point for all of them, but especially Dean and Cas during the beginning of the season, as their choices give us so much of what they need to do, what aspects of themselves they have to address, if they’re ever to find their way out of self-destruction and self-doubt, and into self-worth, paving the way for them being able to believe they deserve the love that the other has been proffering for all these years, and actually seeing it in its true light, accepting it, trusting it, and returning it without any inhibition.

Add to that the already mentioned shared struggle, as Cas and Dean have always had a deeply rooted fear of happiness, and we can all see the obstacles they’ve had to overcome to get to a place where they can share a healthy relationship.

They have had to build that healthy relationship with themselves first, and the reward at the end: happiness and love. *fingers so damn crossed though*

It really would be beyond amazing if we have it textualised, however subtle it may be, by the end of the series, that they are each other’s happiness, and that, without the other, there’s not much happiness to be had. There’s moving on and there’s not giving up and there’s finding purpose outside this one relationship, of course, but a long and happy life?

Not so much. 

To me, this is a fact that has been covertly explored throughout the entirety of their joint arc, because whenever one of them disappears out of the other’s orbit, their progression pretty much crashes to an absolute halt, or even undergoes serious regression. I talked about that in that other long-ass meta I mentioned, so if you’re hungry for more… 

I digress.

My final point, really, is that getting to witness  Dean letting Cas go, supporting him returning to Heaven, and Cas rightly feeling compelled to fullfil his duty, because it will lead to him being granted the choice of who he truly wants to be, would be mind-blowing. And if it all leads to an underlining of how Dean is taking the narrative lesson of easing up on his need for control, learning to let go and trusting that it will be alright in the end, which then leads to the love of his life returning to him, and Dean, finally, understanding that this is what Cas always does - he may up and leave, but he also always returns.

Only, this time Cas is staying…

I mean. Right? Anything like this. Anything even in the vicinity of this. Oh my God. I’ll be dancing.

I’m intrigued by the fact that Cas is subtly set up as a blindspot for Chuck the Writer, who’s first draft when at Becky’s house doesn’t even mention Cas. I have a feeling Cas will be a pivotal ingredient in them winning this stand-off, as he’s proven himself to be already, throughout S15.

And I’m intrigued by the phrase that has occurred at least twice in our narrative since end of S14: I had to die to get what I want. 

Could Cas almost cutting out his “life force” and bringing himself to the brink of “death” (angelic, as it were) be foreshadowing for how his angelic side has to die in order for him to get what he wants? 

I guess we shall simply have to wait and see, eh?

End of the day, it’s a question of legacy. And I’m just very curious to see what sort of legacy the writers room are gearing up to leave us with. I have every faith - all the faith - that no matter what we get, it’s going to be

s p e c t a c u l a r.

[xxpadfootxx]

🐾Won’t Leave You: Chapter 9 (The Unknown)🐾

Five pro heroes showed up at the scene only minutes after the ambulances had come back with All Might. The fight was pretty much over at that point, but with the help of the heroes, the police were able to apprehend the villain and get him loaded into a special cruiser heading for police custody. Despite the grim tone, the students were quietly celebrating their victory over the villain, congratulating one another and checking to make sure that none of the wounds were too severe.

The only one who was not celebrating was Izuku. At first, he felt the same relieving joy that everyone else felt, his pale face regaining some of its color as the fear drained from him and the adrenaline turned into excitement. He looked up and smiled at his peers who looked back at him with matching expressions. But then Izuku looked to Iida and saw his face agape with shock. Izuku looked behind him to see Ochako laying on the ground a few feet away. Izuku had managed to catch her when they had tumbled from the villain’s grasp but when they had landed, they had been unbalanced so they had both been flung to the ground and separated.

Fear struck Izuku’s heart like a spear and he scrambled to meet her. Her legs were twisted in odd directions from the fall and the bullet wound in her side, which had not been as severe before, was now a lot deeper, blood pooling into the grass and coiling around her splayed hair. Izuku flailed in the grass until his legs finally managed to work properly and propel him towards her. He skidded to her side and used gentle hands to lift her into his lap. He gazed at her face, tears streaming down his face.

“Ochako?” He whispered.

No answer.

“Ochako? Come on, we have to get back to the dorms before Aizawa kicks our asses, we are out just a little bit past curfew, don’t you think?”

Still no answer.

“Come on Ochako!” Izuku cried out. He leaned down and placed his ear against her chest. He waited.

And waited

And waited.

Nothing. There was no gentle rise and fall of her chest, no soft scratch of her breath. Her breath was not faint, it was nonexistent. Izuku’s eyes widened and tears rained down his cheeks. He snapped his head up and howled into the early morning.

“NO, NO, NOT OCHAKO! NO PLEASE DON’T TAKE HER, OH GOD NO!”

The other students were frozen in shock, only Iida able to force his legs to take two steps before he crashed to the ground and landed on his knees in the dewy grass.

Ignoring the stares of his friends, the efforts of the police to load students into the ambulances, and even the stare of his mentor and hero, All Might, Izuku laid Ochako on the grass and began to administer CPR. Plugging her nose, he pressed his lips to hers and forced air into her lungs, lifting his head for a few seconds before repeating the action.

The heroes that had arrived at the scene were stunned for a moment but soon All Might, Best Jeanist, and Gunhead all rushed to Ochako’s side, only Endeavor and Gang Orca remaining behind to help get the ambulances prepared to take students away. The three pro heroes raced to Izuku and Ochako, All Might reaching Izuku first while Gunhead and Best Jeanist leaned down to examine Ochako.

Izuku ignored all of them and placed his hands on her chest, pressing down in quick pumping motions in an effort to get her heart beating again. Luckily for Izuku, Aizawa had given the class a lesson in first aid just a few weeks ago which had included how to properly give CPR to a victim hanging onto life by a thread. With each pump of his hands on her chest, he whispered her name through gritted teeth.

“Ochako… Ochako… Ochako…”

“Come on young Midoriya,” All Might said, his voice cracking despite his efforts to stifle it. “We can’t do anything for her now.” A tear slid down All Might’s cheek as he said the last sentence, his heart was breaking both for the strong heroine in training as well as his broken successor. He leaned down and grasped Izuku’s shoulders, trying to ease him to his feet.

Izuku ripped away from his hero, his face set with fury, guilt, and intense grief as tears streamed down his face in rivers.

“No,” Izuku said with a deadly calm. “I refuse to give up on her,” He gulped and looked up at the students and heroes assembled. “I REFUSE TO LOSE TODAY!”

He remembered the first time he had said those words when he and Ochako had been waiting to enter the practice building for combat training against Bakugo and Iida. He remembered how Ochako had helped him through his anxiety and had fought at his side even though the prospect of fighting two very talented students had seemed frightening. The memory gave him courage; gave him hope.

He leaned down again, abandoning the pumping technique and plugging her nose again, desperately hoping that his training would prevail here, that he would not lose his best friend for life. After repeating this for several seconds, he immediately went back to pumping his hands on her chest. He could feel her ribs pressed up against his calloused hands and he pushed harder, hoping with every press that the thumping of her heart would restart beneath those ribs.

“I am here Ochako, and I am not leaving you,” Izuku said, his voice breaking. “Come back to me.”

He leaned his entire weight into each press, his labored breathing filling the silence as the students watched. The pro heroes did not try to stop Izuku, although all of them knew how to administer CPR, none of them were rescue heroes, and to them, Izuku was doing a rather good job despite the fact that Ochako seemed to be getting colder and colder by the minute.

Suddenly, Izuku just broke down. His sobs and screams echoed throughout the valley, but nobody tried to comfort him. Everyone just allowed him to shout his anger and grief to the world. He pulled Ochako off of the ground and held her to him, his arms wrapped protectively around her as he sobbed into her neck.

“Ochako, I’m s-s-so sorry-y!” Izuku had to pause as more sobs racked his body.

“I failed you, I failed you as a friend, as a hero, and as a guardian.” He sobbed again. “I was supposed to keep you safe, I was supposed to be there for you and I let you get-”

“You did not fail me Deku.”

The voice was so soft that he thought he had imagined it at first, but the words clanged in his mind like a savior bell. He pulled her away from his chest and looked at her face, his eyes searching wildly over her face and her body, surprise coursing through him. He realized that he had been sobbing so hard that he had not felt her breathing restart.

“GET AN AMBULANCE NOW!” Gunhead yelled at the nearest student, his voice filled with relieved urgency. Iida, who had been sobbing on his knees, now shot up like a rocket and bolted in the direction of the other heroes and the police, waving his arms and screaming at them to send help.

“Ochako! Oh my god Ochako, you’re alive!” Izuku sobbed joyfully, holding her to him, one hand cradling her lower back while the other was pressed against her bullet wound to stifle the bleeding. She groaned at the pain his touch to her wound brought but she also leaned into his body, both of her hands finding their way around his neck until she was clinging to him in an embrace just tight enough to show their affection but also light enough that it didn’t bring her too much pain.

All Might and Gunhead were also comforting one another as tears streamed down the faces of the popular heroes and the students assembled were all holding each other with relief as the news of Ochako’s survival spread amongst the classmates. Iida returned only a few seconds later, followed by Endeavor, Gang Orca and three ambulances. The heroes did not speak as they opened up the backs of the trucks and prepared a stretcher.

Meanwhile one of the doctors who had come with the extra ambulances was trying to separate Izuku and Ochako. The doctor was holding onto Izuku’s shoulders and was trying to get him to stand up.

“Come on, you need rest and a checkup young man,” The doctor said as he tugged once more on Izuku’s shoulders. “You are in pretty bad condition yourself.”

“I want to stay with Ochako,” Izuku said, unrelenting.

“But-”

A small explosion popped on the meadow floor and thin black smoke rose into the air in loose curls. The doctor snapped his head in the direction of the explosion to see an angry Bakugo standing in a loose fighting stance, his hands half curled into fists so that sparks could fly from his palms. Everyone froze except for Kirishima who held an arm out in front of his boyfriend.

“Isn’t it obvious that Deku doesn’t want to be separated from his girlfriend? He’s not that injured, trust me I’ve seen him when he’s hurt, he will survive but right now, you are hurting him more by trying to keep him from the person he loves. He just saved her life, can’t you give the damned nerd a fucking break?”

The doctor’s face paled and he released Izuku’s shoulders. He stood up shakily and nodded once to Bakugo and once to Izuku before turning and beckoning for Izuku to follow him to the ambulance. Izuku stood up with Ochako curled in his arms and turned to follow the doctor but paused. He looked to Bakugo with a bright red face and smiled at him before walking towards the ambulance. Bakugo flipped him off in response but after a moment, the corners of his mouth twitched upward ever so slightly.

_________________________________________

Izuku had been dozing on and off for the past three days, his body refusing to fully fall asleep as he slept in the hospital. He had been given a quick checkup but other than that he had not left Ochako’s side, sitting at her bedside day and night. He had been blocked from seeing her as she underwent surgery to remove the bullet and to fix her broken legs but afterward he had been permitted to stay with her. Izuku was used to being in a hospital and so despite his severe need to be with her, he remained polite and accommodating to whatever the doctors and nurses needed of him, therefore earning their trust. The hospital staff began to really like Izuku and would allow him to stay with Ochako even when normal guests would not have normally been able to, they also liked to give him snacks from the vending machine when he looked particularly worn out.

Izuku entered Ochako’s room and sank into a chair by her bedside after taking a break to go to the bathroom and talk to Ochako’s parents about her condition. Her parents had been at the hospital minutes after she had arrived, waiting with Izuku for her surgery to end and waiting in her room for two whole days while she recovered. They had left late in the afternoon the day before to tend to work. Ochako’s family did not have a lot of money, so even despite their daughter’s condition, they had to go home to continue working at their construction business. Izuku’s own mother had also called, who had joined All Might in visiting him to make sure that he was not only physically alright but also mentally stable. His mother had eventually declared him to be alright after hugging and kissing him for two hours and asking him questions to make sure he was okay. He had called her earlier that day to let her know that he was still alright.

Once Izuku was settled into his designated chair by her bedside he looked at Ochako. She looked much better now that she had gotten the care she needed from the hospital but it was still difficult to see her like this, still slightly broken and healing in a hospital bed, covered in wrappings and bandages. His eyes wandered over her pretty face and down to her shoulders where the sheets of the bed covered the rest of her wrapped body. His eyes eventually fell onto her hand which was lying palm up beside where her hips were beneath the covers and wrappings.

Izuku hesitated but took a deep breath and placed his hand in hers. Her hand was so soft and warm. He suddenly craved that warmth, that feeling that she was alive and active and full of energy. He forced himself to sit still as the wave of want washed over him. He shook his head, he was being selfish for even thinking like this. He shoved his feelings for her down as far as he could press them and gave her hand a small squeeze. He had been so focused on trying to shove his feelings down that he didn’t even notice that she was awake until he felt a small squeeze in return. He jolted in his seat, his eyes widening, all of his tiredness was forgotten.

“Hey Deku, am I late for training?” Ochako asked him in a whisper. Izuku’s mouth sat agape as he looked from her teasing smile to his hand in hers and back again.

“You-you're… how are you…?” Izuku could not find the words as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. He squeezed her hand again.

“You’re awake.” He commented, a few tears trickling down his cheeks as he looked into her eyes. They had a light spark in them again, their chocolatey brown color swirling with emotions, emotions that were not full of pain for the first time in the past couple days.

Izuku placed his other hand on top of the one already holding her hand and looked her full in the face, his happiness making him feel weak as he told himself over and over again that she was okay.

“I’m okay Deku,” Ochako said as she looked into his face and saw the mass of relief there. “It was a close call but I’m okay now.” She smiled at him.

He nodded and closed his eyes for a moment.

“Can you help me sit up a little bit?”

His eyes opened again and he smiled at her.

“Of course.” He leaned down and pressed a button on the control pad beside her bed until she was in more of a sitting position. She turned her body to face him just a little bit and when he sat up he found himself looking right into her face, her face which was now so full of life as it had been before the attack. He cleared his throat as the heat rose in his cheeks and he looked at the ceiling.

“Izuku.”

His eyes snapped to meet hers, the surprise of her using his real name lighting up his face.

“Thank you for saving me.”

“I didn’t save you, I failed you.” Izuku hung his head. “I should have been there for you when we were attacked, I should have been taken, not you, and I should not have let you get so close to-” He gulped, he couldn’t even say the word and he looked down at the ground.

“Death,” Ochako said.

Izuku’s head snapped back up to look at her. Her eyes did have a tinge of fear and sorrow but they were overwhelmed by the look of determination in her eyes.

“You did not fail me.” She said to him, not a hint of anger or distaste in her face as she spoke. “You are the sole reason why I was able to survive that villain for so long, you are the reason why I fought tooth and nail for my life no matter the consequences. We stopped that villain together and there was nothing you could have done differently to change the situation. If you had been captured instead of me, I still would have fought just as hard to get you back.” Ochako leaned forward and placed a hand over her friend’s heart.

“Thank you for saving me.” She repeated.

More tears spilled down Izuku’s cheeks and he nodded at her.

“Thank you for staying with me.” He whispered.

He barely registered what happened, one moment he had been sitting in the chair next to her bed, his best friend comforting him and the next moment, he was being pulled toward his friend, her hand grasping the front of his shirt as she pulled him down to meet her and rose a little in her bed to meet him. Their lips met in a soft kiss between them. He was so surprised that the moment almost went over his head and it was over far quicker than he wished. Soon he was back in his chair, stunned and staring at Ochako with his mouth open and his eyes as wide as moons. Ochako chuckled a little bit, her face bright red.

“Sorry.” She said, her face getting even redder with embarrassment as she wondered whether she had made the right choice.

Izuku looked into her eyes and saw her daring spirit fading away as it succumbed to the fear and embarrassment that was flooding her face. He did not have the words so he just followed her lead and pulled her to him. She grunted in surprise as he pulled them together and kissed her deeper this time. When they pulled away, Izuku stood and moved to the edge of her bed to sit instead. He cupped the back of her head with one hand and held her hand with the other, their foreheads resting on one another as he stared into those gorgeous eyes of hers.

“Don’t be.”

[1358456]

Review Response, June 23-29, 2019

I totally forgot about this until right now. Whoops! My bad.

And also, starting with this post, each weekly review response will now show the updated graphs... charts (I keep saying graphs but they’re more charts...) of the stories that got the reviews.

Destiny #010

1) OH GOD. I KNEW IT. Y'S GOING TO DIE. THE WHOLE THING WITH X AND NOT THINKING OH HER AS "HIS GIRL" WAS A BUILD-UP OF SOME SORT. This will only cause X grief as it was one of the last things he said about Y before she died. Ohhhhh god. Poor Y, she tried so hard. I simply cannot imagine being attacked like that. And speaking of being attacked, Sapphire? Really has to get over her fear. I know its difficult love, but you're hindering the rest of your team! But anyways, going back to Y, the way she was dominating at first made me soooo happy. Finally! Proof that they can win! But nope. I still can't get over it. A death so soon... unless she miraculously survives. But tbh I can't see how.

Also nil I forgot Silver even existed for a moment there. When you mentioned him, I was completely take by surprise lmao. I don't blame you or anything, it's really hard to focus on a lot of dexholders in one chapter. But I was surprised to find that none were mentioned at the end, the it hit me that of course they weren't. They've got their own battles (problems) to deal with. Those shiny pokemon aren't going to disappear by themselves. Although I hope and pray that they do. But I am really interested as to how this battle will end. Will the dexholders prevail? Will they be defeated? Or will they retreat with their tails in between their legs? So many questions. And there can be so many answers. I'm hoping that they will win, but I just don't think that is likely tho. They've practiced yes, but it's probably not enough. They need years of practice before they can get to his level.

Also I forgot to mention, but I started sweating when I realized that Emerald still had his Mega bracelet thing I forgot what it's called. I was like "Ho boiiiiii." One could easily predict that he would be targeted first. Or at least second only to Y. But I feel like Peter is definitely using the Salamence to his advantage. I mean who wouldn't? That's one dexholder down.

Speaking of Sapphire, I absolutely love how you added in that bet between her and Gold. Like I said previously the balance of fun and not fun (?) is absolutely amazing. And I can only imagine a lot of people there probably face palmed. Which I get but like it's also a fabulous way to motivate someone (especially two competitive dexholders like them) to fight. But I doubt that that either of them will still have the heart to order around the other person after this battle. Well... then again this is Gold and Sapphire we're talking about. They are two people who might still do it. And it makes for a perfect opportunity for comedy later on. Nicely played.

I've decided to use paragraphs 'cause I tend to wander in my reviews, and it makes it easier to process. I'm sorry of this review isn't as good as the others. To be honest they only thing I feel I can say now, is about how good your writing is. But that gets tiring. And I'll make sure to shut up about Peter being so powerful later on. But I'll admit you're legit making me worried.

Anyways, thank you. Its been a pleasure like always.

I didn’t really think of that as a build-up. More like... “the f*ck, X?”. If I recall, I put that line in there because he says it in the XY arc, and it was incomprehensible... at the time. And yes. Poor heartbroken Y... :( And death so soon? This is chapter 10. It’s too soon*! And yes, Sapphire needs to get over the Salamence weakness... which she has in Destiny because this was before that scene in ORAS where Sapphire did not give a FUCK, since there was no time for such trivial things. Damn ORAS...

Silver? ... Oh yeah. That’s right. Heh. Not only are there a lot of Dex Holders in the mess, but there are those who I just do not give a damn about, who always wind up being forgotten as the focus of the chapter is elsewhere. Hehe. And the Dex Holders don’t need years of practice... they just need to embrace the game mechanics!! Hehe. ... What, is a Modest Rhyperior going to win against an Adamant one if it practiced? Heh.

The Salamence over-usage is not only because of how it cripples Sapphire, but also because the guy the Mega Hunter is based on generally always has a Salamence in his singles team. ... Usually with Choice Band and Moxie and Outrage. One-shot a guy, get Moxie boost. One-shot the next guy, get another Moxie boost. And one-shot the next guy. 3 Pokemon down in 3 turns. ... And then it usually hits itself in confusion and deals like 75% damage to itself.

Ah, the competitive rivalry between Gold and Sapphire! The one that’s hardly ever mentioned by anyone else... It’s fun, though. And all lighthearted. They always need to get the one-up on each other. Heh.

I do like the new paragraphs! It makes it easier for me to respond! I really do appreciate your reviews! :)

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Destiny #011

1) If shit wasn't already real, it is now. I honestly love the tension between Platinum and Sapphire, and it makes sense. They're the complete opposite of each other, one's quite literally wild, while the other is as refined as possible. It's only natural that they should clash. But I must admit, Platinum was being exceedingly rude. Like goddamn, you're fresh out of a battle, you need to find a new teammate and Sapphire is giving the perfect way in order to find her. Who cares if someone sees you with a girl sniffing. Stepping back was petty, though I'll also admit that Sapphire was being a but rude to Platinum when she told Platinum to just follow her. But it's simply Sapphire's way (as it is Platinum's), so I guess I can't complain too much. But I'm still rather peeved.

So, Peter thinks that the dexholders will get better, huh? That's new. Usually villains will boast and get cocky, and that usually leads to their downfall. Seems as if Peter is not going down that path. I found that a nice thing for you to add, because it only adds on to how clever this dude is. Like the little clues you leave for certain things, I'm not sure whether you write them on purpose, but some of them I notice and it only gladdens me.

In any case, I did not think Peter was going to manipulate Oak and Daisy. That actually quite surprised me, but in reality its a great way to gain information. After all, knowledge is power. And the more you know about your enemy, the more of an advantage you have. Meanwhile the dexholders don't know anything about him, only that that he wants to kill them for reasons? And some of the strategies he uses. Yikes indeed. Red voiced this perfectly in this chapter, with those questions of his. (And if I'm correct) I believe that this is another one of those "clues" I mentioned earlier. I believe Red might be the one to find out the answers to those questions, as he was the one to ask them. But that might just me looking too far into it. And I'm not exactly sure that that is a clue lmao. Ah well, a girl can come up with as big of theories as she so wishes.

Also, could it be possible that for a future strategy, they use Yellow for her healing? I mean, it seems practical. Their pokemon are not strong enough, and they drop one by one so easily. And while it seems rather cruel to constantly heal them only to fight again, that is reality. We do it all the time in the games and actually that brings me to another topic. The world of pokemon is wonky. We just capture these sort of "animals" and force them to fight for us? We might create bonds with them, but jeez these guys are just living their lives when bam! You come across them and then just capture them? And have them battle for you and constantly drain their health, only to do the process all over again. That is fucking cruel imo. I know certain trainers consider pokemon as companions and friends and whatnot, and that's all great and dandy, but like jeez. At least some pokemon come with you willingly and that's the best part. But whatever I'm getting off topic.

Again, personalities on point, writing smooth. Honestly I've never read something of your that felt jagged in a way. (Which is what really confused me when I accidentally skipped this chapter, and I was thrust into the future without an explanation of what happened at the end of the battle) Thank you.

I don’t think Platinum was being rude there at all. She doesn’t say anything, and from her perspective, it’s natural to be baffled at Sapphire. It’s like... you see someone sniffing at the air and the ground and the trees, and you just feel the urge to not be seen right next to that person. Stepping backwards was an unconscious decision, and hell, I’d do that too. And of course, Platinum hadn’t spent enough time with Sapphire to be used to it, or even appreciate her uniqueness. So for now, it’s an understandable natural reaction. And the cause of the Sapphire vs. Platinum minor feud that... I was going to push but abandoned because no one gave a f*ck.

One of the things I absolutely HATE about villains in anime/manga is their usual cockiness. If I had a dime every time some bad guy said something along the lines of “it’s over”... Well, it ain’t over ‘till it’s over. The Mega Hunter won’t be saying that it’s over when no one has died yet. And I left quite a few clues about him throughout the story. They become far more evident when Blue points them out later on.

Knowledge is power, indeed. Especially when it comes to Pokemon! ... And battles. 知彼知己 百戰不危 and all. And I think Red’s internal questions are a bit too blatant to be considered as clues. Hehe. But hey. That’s just a-

Using Yellow for healing? Oh, I do love how you consistently point out options that actually do happen shortly afterwards. It is, after all, the logical next step. And... ah, the morals of Pokemon. “Pokemon are not tools of war”... that’s because you’re not using them properly. HA! The Pokemon world ain’t looking too bright. Also factor in humans’ tendencies of eradication, and...

I did notice that you skipped this one, given the review order. But I respond in the chapter order, so this one comes first. As to how you NOT notice that you skipped a chapter... ...

2) I swear to god these reviews take me an hour to write lmaooo. I didn't even realize it took that long. Not like I'll stop but dam.

You don’t have to write such long reviews, if that helps you. I do enjoy reading your long reviews, but if it’s too much for you, you can shorten it!

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Destiny #012

1) I wouldn't be surprised if they were copying your work ngl. In fact, they'd be stupid not too. Its that good but anyways, I'm face palming myself now. Of course it was a pokemon. What else could it have been? Honestly, sometimes I'm amazed at my own stupidity. Just like I'm amazed at your writing this chapter! Y's, Platinum's, and Blue's insecurity felt all unique! Like, one could tell it was insecurity, but each felt it in a different way. Which I felt reflected in your writing (as I'm starting to realize most emotions of the characters do) which might've just been encase of their different situations, but I feel like it was more than that. Kudos to you, that's hard to accomplish. And speaking of insecurity, this Peter guy seems to really know how to manipulate it. 'Cause I know the pokemon was doing the brainwashing, but Peter was the one putting the ideas and thoughts into Blue's mind. But he wasn't forcing them, he was juts voicing some of the thoughts he assumed were going on in Blue's mind. Also speaking of Blue, we finally have a chapter in her point of view again! It was nice seeing her again, and making sure that she was okay. But um the whole "It's not my problem" is worrying me. I completely understand why she's at that point. But still, not how the Blue I know from the FRLG chapter would act. (I say FRLG 'cause I'm not sure whether or not that's how she would've acted in RGBY. I mean she's had her small arc)

Fucking bastard. I was hoping Blue would somehow turn him down, but I suppose my prediction was correct. He "tricked" her in a way. But I guess I can only hope now that Blue will snap out of it the moment she sees the dexholders and is assured that they are indeed her friends. Seeing as how we already know she is capable of at least breaking free of his grip for a few moments with only the help of her subconsciousness and thoughts. Break free, Blue! You got this!

Also, on the matter with Y. I am so surprised she survived. The was quite a beating in the last chapter. I mean, forcefully being held in the air against her will. With things like Hydro Canon shooting at her. Not to mention the branches and rocks that pummeled her. What a remarkable girl. Even is she had on her suit. Dam. And even still wishing to fight. Is this what it means to be a dexholder? I can hardly imagine. If I break a nail I feel like crying and I start hugging my teddy bear. Well no, I don't do that either. But you get the idea.

But speaking of the time when Blue will have to battle the others. I wonder how that will play out? I wonder what the reactions of the others will be. Especially the ones close to her like Silver, and Red and whatnot. I'm sure that very moment is when my heart will break and I will cry. I'm certainly looking forward to the fluff that will help heal those wounds of mine. But Green's guilt. That will certainly overwhelm me. More than I thought X's guilt over Y's supposed "death' would have. Also, I wonder who's perspective that will be in. Lately it's been a lot of Platinum and Y, but I think it would be great if that battle was in Green's or Blue's point of view. As they were the ones who had the "falling out" in their relationship. Nonetheless, I'm sure it will be quite enjoyable. I cannot wait to read it!

Lackspeed to my babies. Treat them well I beg of you. They deserve all the love in the world. But still I thank you.

The conspiracy! First ORAS copies SA’s Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre, then XY copies... er... well, I can’t say right now I guess, since you’re not far enough in Destiny. Heh. And yes, of course it’s a Pokemon. Destiny literally begins in Terminus Cave in Kalos. And you do know what’s in that cave, right?

The insecurities of the different Dex Holders are the cause of their different personalities and their situations! Blue, the lonely girl who’s been drifting away from her friends and feeling utter isolation, would have insecurities about her friends. Platinum, the proud girl who have never known defeat previously would have insecurities about her own capabilities after losing multiple times to the same enemy. And what she says is what she would’ve read in a book too. 敗將有口無言, and all. And Y, the new girl, who has a lot to prove and a lot of catching up to do, will have her own insecurities after being absolutely obliterated.

Blue saying “it’s not my problem” is the result of her drifting away so much from her friends and feeling betrayed. In FRLG, it’s subtly revealed that Blue doesn’t remain in contact with anyone other than Silver (since Red and Green had no idea what she was doing in One Island, or what she had been doing), and so if that was to continue for years, and she lets her darker thoughts go rampant, she would end up quickly reverting to her old colder self.

And yep. “Tricked”. Rampancy in AI (which is what Blue’s rampancy is based on) doesn’t require something HUGE happening. It can all start with just a subtle suggestion. And now the struggle begins, between her rampant thoughts and her rational thoughts. Hehehe...

Yep. Y took a hell of a beating... again. And yet she’s still trying to fight. The resiliency of the Dex Holders! ... Also, the resiliency of those who are in the top 5 favorites! In order to be able to fight even after such a beating, you need to be in the top 5 of my favorites. Otherwise... hehe.

Oh, Blue’s upcoming fight against the Dex Holders... it will be quite the journey!

Treat them well, eh? Hmm...

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And so with that, Destiny’s chart is updated!

With the reviewed chapters in the red circle. ... Destiny still doesn’t show a trend, as it is ALL OVER THE PLACE.

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Legacy #007

1) Janecklyn from Specord here :P

Anyway, i really appreciated those "slice of life" chapters and some of the dex holders forming friendships with others outside their region! Makes the stakes higher and the mental problems more heavy.

Aww, jelly X, I have a feeling Jeremy is gonna be important to the plot.

Moon, you goofed up D:

One thing I like of your writing, is that you get the characterization pretty well, most of the time I can tell who's speaking for the lines alone. It tells me that like you love these characters 3

Intense and suspenseful chapter! Will wait for the update 3

Oh. I had no idea that you actually read Legacy. ... It happens if people just don’t review, since I have no other way to know if it’s being actually READ.

Gotta love those “slice of life” things, eh? It’s not always just chaos and catastrophe in the lives of the Dex Holders. Even if they’re always in the middle of one.

X is going to have to compete with Sky Trainer Jeremy! Hehe...

Moon had failed to properly heed Platinum’s warning, and had failed to react fast enough. Ouch.

Hehe. Thank you :) I do try to make each one sound as unique as I can, though some... just... can’t.

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With this one review, Legacy’s chart now looks like...

The red circle was the change, and so now it’s no longer a straight line barring the last chapter’s “anomaly”. Still, the trend is too clear. Legacy will not be getting an update until that dot in the red circle goes up by another 5. And it has the rest of 2019 to do so.

[snkpolls]

SnK Chapter 105 Poll Results

RATE THE CHAPTER

1,749 Responses

78.5% of the fandom reacted positively to “Assassin’s Bullet”, rating it a 4 or 5. While still high, this is down 20% from last month.

"Did you not understand the contents?" - Isayama, probably

I cried because of a work of fiction for the first time because of chapter 105. Isayama has achieved something not even Up or Infinity War could not. Great writing on Isayama's part & I am excited to see where he takes this story to next. Also, WERE GOING BACK TO PARADIS AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Holy fucking shit. I read the chapter before work and I lost my mind. I couldn't process anything and then Sasha was shot. I flipped! An amazing and incredible chapter.

My reaction to chapter 105 is basically just lying face-down on the floor.

EDITOR-KUN; YOU FAILED THIS FANDOM!!!!!

Depressing. Amazing. I'm dying.

ASIDE FROM SASHA’S DEATH, WHAT MOMENT WAS MOST EMOTIONAL FOR YOU?

1,722 Responses

Connie’s sweet OT3 embrace and admission that Jean and Sasha were special to him topped the list of emotional moments. “All of the above” and Eren’s mental breakdown at the news of Sasha’s death came in 2nd and 3rd.

At this point I numb myself and just ignore each chapter after I read it because it's getting too painful and I just wanna live my life you know

Attack on Suffering

Connie can not catch a fucking break.

Potato girl's death hit me hard, especially after that look on her face when Connie hugged Jean and herself. Poor Connie, the new master of suffering!

This chapter has had me so depressed. It's been days and I'm still not over Sasha, I still can't believe Potato Girl is gone forever. I'm worried for Eren, for what this loss of faith from the others will do to him, for the distance between him and Armin and Mikasa. Their strained dynamic is HEARTBREAKING.

WHICH MOMENT SURPRISED YOU MOST?

1,694 Responses

In a chapter filled with great moments, leaning the identity of Rope-kun was picked as most surprising with 30% of the vote. Confirmation that Zeke was working with Paradis came in a distant second.

I hate this.  I have resisted SO HARD, for SO LONG.  One hundred and five chapters later, I'm finally (FINALLY) invested in a Levi storyline.  How dare you, Isayama?  How dare you Jaime Lannister me this way?

I can't believe the paid actor bs was actually true lol. But I'm sure Zeke has his own objective and isn't actually on Paradis side even though they might benefit from his plans.

On chapter 105: arguably the best chapter so far in my opinion. It had so much going on. I was so excited to see the Zeke betrayal theory confirmed. Also even though Sasha is dead I feel really bad for Gabi. She's as much a victim in this as everyone.

ON A SCALE OF 1-5, HOW CHOKED UP WERE YOU OVER SASHA'S UNTIMELY DEATH?

1,743 Responses

We knew it was coming, we’ve been talking about it for years, still more than half the fandom was profoundly affected by Sasha’s death. At the other extreme, 22% expressed ambivalence.

SaShAaAaAaAaAaAaAaaaaaaaaaaa I will still be crying next month

I feel nothing about Sasha's death, mainly because she was saved by the editor before something I dislike happening. Another motive for my apathy related to her death is because of the massive nosense hate Gabi is receiving. People forget she's just kid, brainwashed and she doesn't know Paradis like we do or Reiner does.

Erwin was my favourite male character and Sasha was my favourite female character. Isayama Sensei, I don’t feel so good…

I can't really bring myself to care about Sasha's death. She's been dragged along for over 70 chapters now and it was time for her to die.

I have mixed feelings about Sasha's death. On the one hand I think had she died when she was supposed too, I would have felt more emotional about it. On the other hand, I'm glad there was another girl from the 104th still there during the RtS arc, and I liked her reactions there as well.

I'm still not over it and will probably be mourning Sash for the rest of my life.

I am still sad! I will be heartbroken if we see Sasha's family in the next chapter

WHOSE REACTION TO SASHA’S DEATH AFFECTED YOU MOST?

1,692 Responses

Isayama outdid himself with the various expressions of grief in this chapter. The fandom was divided three ways, but it was Connie’s quiet heartbreak that prevailed by a slim margin.

Now my two favourite SnK girls are dead. I knew that this could happen, but being killed because of Marcel or by Gabi... It was really twisted. Mikasa's cry broke me, because she was one of Sasha's best friends.

Eren's reaction to her death was very disturbing. At first I thought he was overcome with grief and crying, but upon further inspection he was laughing like a maniac.

we knew sasha was going to die for years now but that fuck! that really didn't have to happen!

Why did sasha have to die isayama :( She was a gorgeous woman with a great personality and just fjsfkskfkd FUCK OFF CONNIE DIDN’T DESERVE THIS KIND OF BIRTHDAY PRESENT

Isayama, why?

THE FANDOM IS DIVIDED ABOUT SEVERAL CHARACTERS. WHAT’S YOUR OPINION ON THEM?

Falco is best boy and Floch is worst. Isayama scored only marginally better than Zeke. Levi received 60 more marriage proposals than Eren. Yelena got the highest number of kisses.

We did some digging into the poll numbers to see which platform was most compassionate when it comes to Gabi. Discord and Instagram were the kindest, with  61% and 64% of respondents selecting “marry/adopt” or “kiss”. Tumblr was next with 54%. Reddit was the harshest. 2/3rds of all reddit respondents selected “kill” for Gabi.

OMG throw Floch out of the zeppelin the fucking shitbrain smartass.

WTF happened to Floch I thought initially he would be a voice of reason but evidently not…

Falco you cinnamon roll, too precious for this world, so pure and smol.

Gabi should feel the might of Ogweno's knee for all eternity.

Gabi is a precious bean! Don't talk to me or my daughter ever again!

Gabi can do us all a favor and swerve into oncoming traffic

Eren did nothing wrong

eren is irredeemable and now the villain.

Wanna kill and marry Eren at the same time.

I'm flying to japan to fist fight isayama

Definitely wanna marry Levi. Wanna hug all 104th squad (even sasha) and also the warriors and kids, they deserve it.

Isayama's story is practically screaming against wanting to kill traumatized kids, no matter their actions. *side eyes fandom discourse on Gabi, wonders if humanity is doomed*

Kiss Isayama, maybe If you gave him some Love,  He would stop being so cruel.

IT’S NOW CLEAR THAT EREN ACTED WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF THE SURVEY CORPS. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THE SURVEY CORPS IS BEING TOO HARSH ON HIM?

1,716 Responses

Eren received quite the scolding when he arrived on the airship. Nearly half of the fandom agreed that he deserved the harsh treatment, while about 28% of the fandom thinks that the Survey Corps could have handled the situation a little better.

If only the blimp’s door would’ve been closed earlier. I’m hoping the SC does realize that they’re being too harsh on Eren in upcoming chapters.

Honestly I'm surprised they threw the blame. Not actually surprised surprised. But in the past it was always push forward and keep moving with no regrets. And it seems they have fallen back on that. I think even though Eren's actions aren't justified and I don't think he's an innocent bean, but he managed to take a lot from the enemy with his move, with a minimal loss.

Eren didn't do anything that the SC hasn't done to him many times. Using him as bait is always their go to plan.

Erwin didnt lose an arm for this.

I see a lot of people excusing Eren's actions because things mostly worked out in Paradis's favor. However, that doesn't mean that A) it was a good decision, B) the survey corps couldn't have come up with an even better plan that--among other things--may have lessened civilian and foreign diplomat deaths, had they been given the time and opportunity, or C) that Eren should be let off the hook for going AWOL and teaming up with the foreign operative responsible for their commander's death. I still like him as a character, but Eren did a fucked up thing that is sure to have international consequences, and he more than deserved that kick and the distrust of his allies.

WHAT BEST DESCRIBES YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT EREN’S ACTIONS?

1,677 Responses

We still don’t know the full story behind Eren’s actions, but regardless of his intentions, many people were hurt in the process. 46% of the fandom believes that Eren’s actions will result in a positive outcome, while over half the fandom is either undecided until they have more information, or cannot look past what he did at all.

Team Eren! The losses are nothing compared to the gains. The world had declared war anyway, and they'd already de facto been at war for a decade. Wiping out an entire fleet, capturing the Warhammer, and successfully extracting Zeke was more than worth it. Very said about Sasha though, of course. Can't wait to go back home to Paradis again. Falco and Gabi are going to have their minds blown.

I believe that if Eren and the SC worked together with their plans and made compromises for one another then the result could've been even better, since Eren would have an entire military intelligence to help and not a man [Zeke] that can't truly be trusted.

He acted independently without the approval of the Paradise Government to terrorise a festival full of civilians.  His actions resemble a terrorist, arrested is being let off easily. Jean is right about the situation, Eren is the biggest reason Sasha is dead, he manipulated the Military Operation in which she died.

Eren told Reiner he now understands RBA's actions...but neverthless he's repeating them, even more cruelly perhaps. If he won't understand that the cycle of violence must be stopped in order to reach real freedom then I don't think he will ever get a happy end (beside the fact that he's going to die at 23 anyway)

I'm glad that we finally got confirmation that Eren was just his usual egoistic self that went on his own and everyone has to save his sorry ass. Again.  Bless Hanji for calling him out and roasting him once again. Can't wait to see another jail time for Eren. (Though I have the feeling he will get around it or that it will be skipped.) Too bad Eren just doesn't give a flying fuck about being punished or losing the trust of his comrades as long as he got his will.

Give eren a break please. He deserves it.

Erwin is turning in his grave.

Erwin would have called Eren a hero.

JEAN BLAMES EREN FOR SASHA’S DEATH. DO YOU?

1,685 Responses

Jean didn’t hesitate to call Eren out for being the catalyst for Sasha’s death. 49% agree that Eren isn’t solely to blame and that many parties are responsible, while 11% agree with Jean completely.

Death happens in random ways, if it’s heroic or humble, no one should get blamed for it since it is gonna happen one day or another,

In the end we can all blame Ymir Fritz for this fucked up planet this story takes place on.

War means death and they are clearly in war. So many people already died and Sasha was one of the many victims of war. She was not murdered by Eren or his decisions in my opinion.

None is at fault or everyone is at fault. Early celebration, no spotter for the guy that had yet to board the zeppelin in enemy territory, Eren forcing their hand to act prematurely all being part of it. But none can be single-handedly blamed.

War is hell.  People die.  If Eren didn't invade, they'd get invaded, and someone would die.

I think he's very emotional at that moment and is blaming Eren but in reality there are a number of attributing factors.

bit of all of these, but mostly war is war. it's amazing beyond belief new-squad-levi all survived as long as they did, and thru everything that has happened thus far. I'd argue the casualties had Paradis not taken the initiative blow could have been that much more devastating

ZEKE FAKED HIS DEATH AND IS TRAVELING TO PARADIS. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS?

1,683 Responses

With one big Zekeret out of the way, we asked the fandom whether they feel he is to be trusted or not. Nearly half the fandom agrees that Zeke’s only real alliance is with Eren, sharing a goal to free Eldia. A small 10% believe his intentions are genuine. The remainder of the fandom is still wary about his intentions altogether.

Do NOT drop your guard.  I trust Zeke about as far as I can throw him, and since my 100-pounds-soaking-wet best friend can beat me in arm wrestling, it's safe to say that that's NOT very far.

He's too cold - I don't trust him in the slightest. He probably still wants to end this tragic history - but in a final-for-all-humanity kind of way. He must be stopped!

I don't think he's being 100% genuine. I think he has his personal goals and his own versions of a free Eldia. There will be so Sure, he's supporting Eren but, I still think that he has his personal agenda, so I don't know if he just wants to free Eldia just because.

Zeke is concerned with Zeke. I think he was once tasked with the Owl's legacy as well, but now wants to double-cross everyone.

Zeke wants to try sour cream really badly

I believe that Zeke is working more or less for his own goals which is a free Eldian continent. Any alignment with the SC is because heads like Hanji support that ideal. Zeke also has personal interest in his brother and I doubt that he would stay on the SC or even Eren's side all that long if they conflicted with that goal.

DO ZEKE AND EREN HAVE THE SAME GOAL NOW THAT THEY CAN ACTIVATE THE COORDINATE?

1,686 Responses

For now it seems that Zeke and Eren likely allied due to a shared interest to free their people. But 55% of the fandom believe it’s too early to make that judgement call.

I'm unsure the Yeager brothers have quite the same desired outcome in mind. I wonder if they have different ideas of what "saving Eldia" actually means; On Zeke's part it could be saving all of them period. On Eren's, it may just be Paradisians. And if a disconnect like that exists, I can only imagine what their vision is of how to accomplish it. I think Eren's heart is still trying to stay in the right place but his mind can't be trusted to make sound, beneficial decisions.

I believe Zeke has his own agenda and it worries me. There is also the chance of Eren coming in terms with sacrificing Historia when "royal" Zeke starts doing his own thing.

Zeke is working with eren for as long as it conveniences him, but as soon as it doesn’t go his way he won’t hesistate to turn on him

Not at all. Zeke is the least trustworthy character of the series, I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually manipulating Eren. I wouldn't trust Zeke as far as I could throw him.

I'm a bit worried about Zeke's influence on Eren and his true agenda...as much as I want to believe Zeke is a great big brother, I'm still a bit suspicious.

ARMIN AND EREN'S REUNION PARALLELS THEIR REUNION IN THE UPRISING ARC, ALTHOUGH THIS TIME NO SMILES WERE SHARED. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM THEIR RELATIONSHIP MOVING FORWARD?

1,685 Responses

Now that we’re starting to see the effects of EMA separation, it’s clear that Eren and Armin’s relationship is strained. Almost half of the fandom believe that they will work through it and remain friends, while many are apprehensive and think that things can go either way. Only a small amount believe that their friendship is still solid, and just a slightly larger amount believe their friendship is dead.

I expect them to become more distant while still caring about each other. Isayama stated that they would chose different paths anyway.

Eren has become shady, untrustworthy and even more reckless in a colder sense. Armin is less warm hearted, still quite emotional, and it probably hurts to see his best friend, Eren, become what he has. Mikasa has clearly grown. She doesn't care for Eren as much as she did before, and while she definitely still does care, she's less impulsive and shortsighted to what Eren has become. They've all grown. They've all grown as individuals. They've all grown apart. They say you become what you hate the most, which is only relevant in certain circumstances, but it's never been more represented than by Eren.

LEVI COMPARED EREN TO THE PEOPLE HE USED TO SEE WHEN HE LIVED IN THE UNDERGROUND. WHAT DO YOU THINK HE MEANT?

1,686 Responses

Levi expressed a sad and disappointed look at Eren as he likened him to the people from the underground city. 53% of the fandom believe that this is due to the lack of passion in Eren’s expression, while a good 33% believe it has more to do with Eren’s underhanded behavior by defecting from the Survey Corps.

Eren reminded him of his younger self.

I think Eren may have reminded Levi of his childhood, (while Eren was sitting there). Eren has become filthy, shady, untrustworthy, rogue and looked lifeless- much like the people of the Underground.

Is Eren's comment "did you not understand the letter" a reference to Levi's lack of education during his upbringing?

when Levi first met Eren, he decided to look after him because he saw something in Eren, a fire, a desire for life. now that fire is nowhere to be seen, Eren is just doing what he has to do to survive, like the people in the underground. Levi used to be one of those people and it’s not a coincidence that Eren’s expression parallels that of young Levi. So we could say that Levi didn’t expect Eren, of all people, to become like that.

Eren is evolved from edgy teenager to protagonist od scandinavian crime stories. He only need alkoholism to fullfile the picture

I believe it was a response to Eren's impertinence in asking whether Levi did not understand the contents of the letter, Eren said it in a challenging way, or could be a commentary on Eren's miserable state, but I believe it to be the first, this was my first impression while reading the chapter

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT GABI WILL BE SWAYED ON HER VIEWS OF PARADIS?

1,654 Responses

Close to 70% think Gabi will soon learn the difference in offering someone less than half a potato. In Marley it makes you the worst of all the devils, but on Paradis, that makes you best girl.

I might be in the minority but I really like Gabi, I find her really interesting and she has the potential to act as a foil to Eren. She has the opportunity to see the other side of the conflict and change her ways and possibly help put a stop to the fighting.

I'm excited to start seeing what paradis has been up to and what falco and gabi will think of the walldians

She's been indoctrinated, mistreated, and trained to kill her whole life, which is an absolutely sickening thing to see happen to a child. I do hope that by going to Paradis she may finally start seeing things the way Falco does.

She has been raised in pro-marley family, she strongly believed that people from Paradis were evil, she saw death of her best friends and believed that her goal was lost because of attack. I believe that Gabi will change her mind about the whole situation soon.

Yeah, yeah, we all get that she has her own perspective, but she is crazy. She acts out of impulse and has a one track mind

I would like to see Floch shouting with Gabi. Or pushing her off the zeppelin.

gabi saved the manga, let her kill more

GABI CALLED FALCO INTERESTING THINGS DEPENDING ON WHICH TRANSLATION YOU READ. WHICH WOULD YOU WANT ON YOUR TOMBSTONE?

1,685 Responses

Over forty percent thought the Scottish ”You’ve been a great cunt” would summarize their life. An almost equal amount preferred being called either a great bastard or a great friend. Only 17.5% want people to think of them as a great guy once they’re gone.

Surprisingly enough nobody mentioned Falco being a great cunt in the comments. Gabi on the other hand...

HANGE HAS LOST ALL TRUST IN EREN. HAVE YOU?

1,693 Responses

While more than 72% still have confidence in Eren, more than a quarter of the fandom now views him as untrustworthy.

Whatever Eren does, I feel like he's justified because he only has what, a fucking year left and he's just trying to fix what he can. He knows that he is going to die and doesn't give a shit because he cares about the greater good, even if that means losing all his trust from.. well everyone.  

"Hange has lost all trust in Eren. Have you?" I have. If 'Humanity's Greatest Hope' suddenly ran off and had some of our people killed for his own plan, then manipulated us so that we had to go along with said plan, (without trying to 'make a compromise'/'have a mature discussion about it'), I would lose all trust as well.

Everyone's deaths are on Eren's shoulders here.  He went off like a loose cannon and acted on his own, putting everyone at risk.  The Survey Corps losses are his responsibility and his alone.

Excited for the next coz we're most likely see Paradis after 4 years timeskip. I'm still bitch about Hange saying losing their trust in Eren. RIP Sasha Blaus

Eren betrayed their trust, but in return he got what he needed with very minimal casualties. And it's not like he didn't care.

TRAPDOOR-KUN WAS REVEALED TO BE ZEKE’S FOLLOWER YELENA. WE’RE ASKING THE REAL QUESTIONS HERE. IS SHE HOT OR NOT?

1,676 Responses

The “nays” prevailed by a razor thin margin. When we segmented this data by single platform we found Tumblr to be far more appreciative of Yelena’s appearance. 60% of Tumblr users selected “bae”. The opposite was true of Reddit where 62% selected “nay”.

bless this chapter for giving us lesbian Pieck and another ship with a great height difference and blonde/brunette visuals (eruri, yumukuri, kenuri, reibert... I see what you do there, Isayama).

I'd let Yelena lead me to a trap door.

Yelena X Levi

Yelena x Pieck

Yellena/Zeke fics when?

WILL EREN EVER GET HIS SHOE BACK?

1,638 Responses

72% hope the boi gets his shoes back in chapter 106. We have nothing more to say about this, but it’s a good place to drop some of the cracky comments we received.

Did they bring sour cream to the party on the airship?

its laurel not yanny

"THATS IT! NO LOBOV! IM MAKING MY OWN POLL!"

2/10 not enough snails

I've seen official art of Levi being a chef before, I'm wondering what kind of meal he's planning to turn Zeke into. A Beast-Titan Burger? A Zeke Zucchini? Or perhaps an Ackerman sandwich?!

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF LEVI ALLYING WITH ZEKE?

1,668 Responses

While 17% of the fandom enjoyed Zeke and Levi’s exchange and appreciate their dynamic, 74% agree that Levi is getting no pleasure from this alliance and is cooperating strictly because humanity demands it.

it was really interesting seeing them interact, the tension was palpable and the conversation hilarious (though I know it was pretty serious).

Almost shipping Zevi but I want to keep my pov rational and logical so yeah, they hate each other but they'll work together for the mankind's benefits

As the supreme lord of ironic Zevi shipping, I am torn between that and the canon facts that Levi wants to gut him.

Clearly he is there for Levi's fine ass

I have no real opinion but I’m slightly disheartened by the first option for this answer. This might be one of the more disturbing ships.

He will keep his promise and kill Zeke in the end. Whenever that will be.

I love the hate-flirting but for real, Levi loved Erwin and has to get revenge for him

SNK is going to become the first mainstream goru-omorashi-amputee  yaoi series

They hate each other but have to work with each other given the circumstances but really I'm super into enemies-to-lovers ships

Ohohoho, ahahahaha, ahahhahahahahahahahhahaha. All 3, really.

You guys are disgusting, I hope Zeke dies soon horribly

wtf dude?

DO YOU THINK YELENA IS AN ACKERMAN?

1,679 Responses

Almost 90% of the fandom believe Levi and Mikasa will remain the sole Ackermans of the story. 10% believe Zeke might have found an Ackerman ally of his own.

Hope Yelena is an Ackerman. That way we will have a person whose strength is comparable to Levi or Mikasa, but she is from the enemy party (is it really an enemy party or not. idk even.) It will be very interesting to see if Ackermans work for different sides.

Yelena will 100% be this series Brienne of Tarth, but unfortunately I don't think Zeke will get a redemption arc like Jamie Lannister did.

Chapter 104 Questions

THERE'S BEEN SOME COMPARISONS BETWEEN BERT AND ARMIN'S COLOSSAL TITAN FORMS. WHICH IS TRUE FOR YOU? CHECK ALL THAT APPLY.

The majority feels both Bertolt’s and Armin’s Collosal Titan are a good reflection of their respective owners. 37.8% think both titans are impressive as well. Bert’s (33%) iconic Colossal Titan is prefered over Armin’s (20.7%). When asked which CT is more powerful, four times as many people seem to think Bert’s was. And 21.5% can’t be bothered with this question at all.

DID JEAN HESITATE TO KILL FALCO?

1,646 Responses

Nearly 6 of 10 respondents think Jean hesitated to kill the cinnamon roll. 22.1% think he was ready to shoot a hole in the vanilla bean donut, while about 1 out of 5 people aren’t sure.

jean hesitated to kill falco but he still aimed perfectly at him and pulled the trigger if it wasn’t for pieck shifting the spear direction with her steam falco would have been killed. blown to pieces.

keep the kids away from him will you?

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE ARMORED TITAN'S NEW FORM?

1,709 Responses

Just when we thought Reiner couldn’t become any more beautiful, Isayama gives us the doki doki version of the armored titan. Unfortunately only 25.9% agree with us. A similar number of people just want Reiner to die. Maybe it’s because you wish to be his mercy angel, maybe because the unarmored titan now haunts your dreams and you’d like to be able to sleep again. That’s what 26.9% of you at least seem to hope for. Over a fifth of all respondents just wants Beardner back.

Reiner looks good with the beard but isayama doesn’t know how to draw facial hair properly most of the time so i hope it’s gone for good

Just let Reiner die man, he’s gone through so much just let him R E S T

It feels like Reiner half-assed his transformation and what we saw was the result.

RIP plot armor

WHO GOT THE WAR HAMMER TITAN'S POWER?

1,670 Responses

It seems obvious that Eren got the Warhammer titan, but 12.3% of you are still holding out hope that Porco drank the Tybur flavored protein smoothie.

WH’s death was unexpectedly brutal.

I don't see why it's believed that Eren didn't get the warhammer power. You could see the flash that we have seen before, along with the expression in which is the same of when he receives memories.

Why is there still discussion over who got the WHT? We got a very clear shot of Eren getting some sort of "flash" while inside his Titan. I'll watch the live-action movie if I'm wrong.

IS PIECK GOING TO SURVIVE?

1,662 Responses

The verdict is clear: 87.5% think Pieck will live. Let’s hope she’ll be able to meet Yelena again before shifteraids strikes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

I know we've seen Ymir survive much worse, but I think Pieck might die. Her pantzersquad is toast, Zeke is gone, I can't imagine Pieck as she is will be useful without either to support her. I think she's on death's door and they're going to try to pass her power onto Colt.

I do hope that Pieck's not gonna die yet.  Isayama already killed a major character. And he once stated in an interview that he would kill jist one for now.

she's probably safe for now, but I don't see what else she'd be needed for story-wise now that she's revealed Zeke was a traitor

I'm mad Pieck is still alive.

WHO WILL BE THE MOST DEPRESSED GOING FORWARD?

1,684 Responses

“You get a clinical depression! And you get a clinical depression! EVERYBODY GETS A CLINICAL DEPRESSION!” More than half of you think Reiner will be the most depressed, while almost a ¼ of all respondents think Connie will be. Porco has about 13% of all votes.Most of you think Pieck will be okay (or more okay than anyone else on the list).

ALL OF THE ABOVE

gheez stop providing me more depressing options

Omg, you are cruel people, I can't choose one

The fans. We cannot watch, yet we cannot look away.

the state of all the Survey Corps members (except for Floch, fuck him) is, in my opinion, the worst. Reiner's is obviously horrible, too; but for some reason, the fact that he's so okay with giving up almost makes me less worried about him. Death, for me, has always been sadder when the person who passed had adamantly wanted to stay alive.

when Reiner wakes up and wants to die because of everything that happened, let me die with him

A couple years ago one Connie was half of Reiner in terms of height, and now he has half of Braun's agony, great character development for my boy

I think Sasha dying was something that needed to happen but can Connie catch a fucking break, Isayama, holy shit

Me T____T

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES?

1,665 Responses

Reddit reigns supreme, but compared to previous months, Tumblr is up 5% while Reddit is down the same amount. Discord participation is also up marginally.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER?

314 Responses

We received over 300 responses, and several of those weren’t even in English:

Должен же уже кто-то наказать Эрена?

Кто-то должен наказать тебя за ответ не на английском.

PAS SASHAAAAAA VOUS AVIEZ PAS LE DROIT DE LA TUERRRRRR :'''''''(

Où était éditeur-kun?

Jokes aside, enjoy more of the comments from this chapter:

Finally, the meat of the story

We got dem zekerets

I'm really worried about this new Eldian empire, that is not going to go well. So many questions to ask about what was happening on the Paradis side during the timeskip, I think it is time for some flashbacks in the next couple of chapters.

Fuck this whole depressing reality.

I just really want Zeke to die at this point. I don't care how he's working with Eren or the SC. It's his fault Erwin died, he ruins everything, he fucked over Reiner and Bert, and he's obviously going to fuck over the SC too.

I feel like everyone will (soon) have to come to terms with the fact that the Yeagerbros' plan was the right/only choice, as shown by them going silent after Eren and Zeke point out the benefit of this operation.

I refuse sasha's death

CHARACTERS ARE DYING AGAIN!!! I AM HAPPY WHILE SOBBING!!!!!!

I feel that everyone jumps to conclusions EVERY chapter, because you’d think we’d know by now that not everything is what it seems and Isayama enjoys messing with us.

I think this chapter was not criticized enough. It was basically a vomit of revelations strung together with some cliche plot

I wonder how Historia will react to Gabi and Falco upon learning of Sasha's death. I'm also curious to see how she will react seeing Eren again and meeting her relative from overseas. You know where these thoughts are going: I want to see older Historia next chapter!

Levi beating the shit out of eren is Big Mood

I'm really not upset with Jean; it's unfair of him to say that, but he's always used anger as a way of dealing with things; the fact that Eren has fucked up already makes it easy to redirect his anger.

Dina is alive and Zeke is visiting her for mother's day

It's good to see that the SC members still have their minds right (except Flocke, but he's a fucking meme), and I hope to see how Hanji acts. I've seen her too impotent in this chapter, unlike how she was in Kenny's arc.

Petition to let Levi enjoy his 40s onwards in goddamn peace.

I believe the end almost always justifies the means, but the thing is... it's important to plan, to avoid any unnecessary evils. Impulsive and reckless natures always annoy me because they often don't avoid those unnecessary evils, if anything they cause more.

Why do Hange and Levi suck at aging?

105 killed me and then killed me again. but then zevi being officially canon and jaegerbros interaction revived me and sudddenly everything is ok. anyways, kidding aside, it was really interesting to see the changes in the sc members' relationship and dynamics with eren, especially armin and levi 👀

105 is absolutely my least favorite chapter this arc. so rushed and boring.

for the god of love please let Levi die. Being forced to work with the man he swore to kill is just humiliating.

I can't wait for Levi to kill Zeke.  Part of me worries Isayama is gonna rob him of that chance because fuck happy endings but maaaaaaaan I hope it's epic.

The grand ironic tragedy. An Eldian believing anti-Eldian propaganda kills another Eldian to avenge Eldian friends.

Where the hell is annie

It was great, hoping for an information dump next chapter, along with Annie returning soon and Reiner suffering even more (is that even possible?) after he's now pretty much lost everything he cared about.

Zeke's "free Eldia" line is shady af

Zevi is real, but not really. Protect Gabi at all costs. Flock is my boy. Zeke is trash but also god.

I hated it, and I hate this arc, and I hate all the side characters, and I don't care about any of it, and I can't freaking believe Isayama made Eren turn his back on all the morals Eren is BUILT on. I feel betrayed. So angry.

Boring chapter the only thing i enjoyed was gabi being an absolute badass. zeke and levi’s conversation was cringy af.

I just need the Warriors and Warrior Cadets to be okay and ALIVE throughout the series to the very end. I can't wait to learn more about Yelena and if Porco actually got the War Hammer, while it's unlikely, I've been wrong before.

The story feels completely different than it did when I first got into it. I’m wondering how Isayama plans to wrap things up after everything we’ve seen.

I just have so many feels for this chapter. After all the action in the previous ones, this one landed a punch straight in my gut. Thanks, Yams, I hate this.

I'm glad the battle is over. This turn of events offers new perspectives around. Between Falco and Gabi going to Paradis, Zeke probably having his own goal, Marley rebuilding after purging the unnecessary elements, there's plenty of material for a final arc.

Can we get the next one please? I can't take all these damn cliffhangers. I WANNA FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!

this was an excellent chapter. The tension felt from the scenes in it was so strong you could slice it. Connie's reaction is quite heartbreaking and frankly, I felt quite uncomfortable just seeing the looks Armin gave Eren and Mikasa. They've all changed quite a bit. Even when Jean blames Eren for Sasha's fate, I felt like it was more out of grief than ire.

Can't wait for Reiner to come back

I had genuinely hoped that over time, more people would sympathize with Gabi, especially since shes a kid and has worked her ass off to make a better life for her and her family. Turns out, people only seem to hate her more now. I'm not thrilled that she killed Sasha but in her perspective she's an enemy and part of the reason her friends and allies were killed. War has two sides, people! That's kinda the whole point of the marley arc…

The new chapters are my sole reason for living now

I've been seeing a lot of hatred for Gabi this month, but I honestly can't get mad at her. It's understandable for people to be angry (especially big Sasha fans), but I really feel bad for all the shit she's gone through and how completely brainwashed she is.

each chapter makes me love and appreciate the warriors even more

I`ve seen people saying this chapter is the worst because of how easily Levi and Zeke "became friends”  and are provoking each other. To me, it's clear that Eren forced the survey corps to capture Zeke to fulfill his unknown agenda, and that Levi hasn't forgiven Zeke for what he did to Erwin + 200 other Survey Corps members. I also hope that Zeke is just continuing Eren Krueger's secret plan (giving the Attack Titan to Grisha so he can get the Founding Titan while Zeke stays on Marley as a double agent). That would be the most badass plan in all history.

DO U EVEN READ THESE

We read each and every comment!

Thank you for participating. The poll for chapter 106 will go up on June 10th!  

[kentonramsey]

Writers on Writing (And Not Writing) Right Now: Mary H.K. Choi

Cutting well-done steak with a dull knife. Swimming in glue. Running on sand. These are the metaphors that come to mind when I try to describe the act of writing recently. There is no question that it’s an enormous privilege to have the time and space to do creative work at home right now, but it’s also a uniquely challenging moment in which to try and “take advantage” of that. Nearly six months into the pandemic, I’ve been eager to hear from writers about how they’ve been navigating the pressures and obstacles that result from such a dichotomy, and how current circumstances have impacted their writing process. Here, in the first of three writers I interviewed, the amazing Mary H.K. Choi (author of Permanent Record and Emergency Contact) shares how she’s managing to continue creating meaningful things–insights that made me feel equal parts optimistic, humbled, and less alone. I hope they will do the same for you.

Mary is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York. Check out her Instagram here and her website here.

How has your writing process changed since the pandemic began?

I no longer write as if being chased by a pack of wild dogs. There used to be so much urgency. If I didn’t get my thoughts down, I was scared they’d evaporate and crop-dust someone else who’d get to claim them. It was always zero sum with me, or that scarcity mentality. A lot of that energy has dissipated. The truth is I’m in grief and that makes me prone to depressive waves so everything is going much slower.

I used to write everywhere. Cafés, cars, anywhere in my house. Draped on the sofa, propped by a weird arm, getting pins and needles in both haunches. Or else at the dinner table, making my partner crazy. Lately, I write at my dedicated desk because I’m inviting some intentionality to the practice mostly because it’s so hard to want to write. I purchased a proper laptop stand and a separate keyboard and mouse and admittedly it’s been good for morale that my neck and shoulders aren’t in constant agony.

Hustle culture isn’t the wave anymore. Not by a long shot.

The “getting dressed for work” thing has been going in waves. At the outset I was feeling feral and gremlin-ish but now I’m putting outfits together and conventional wisdom is prevailing because I do feel better.

Eating meals at meal-times has also been helpful. And taking the full break and not doom-scrolling alongside the chewing. I’ve been buying beautiful produce and marveling at how ludicrously delicious peaches and tomatoes are. It’s a good way to check into my body when I’m dissociative.

In March, a tweet went viral about how Shakespeare wrote King Lear when he was quarantined with the plague. Have you felt more pressure than usual to write and create during this time of isolation? 

Hustle culture isn’t the wave anymore. Not by a long shot. Now it’s discernment and shrewd allocation of resources and boundaries galore. Energy is finite. It’s a somatically real and depleting thing to keep one eye on the election and another little antenna honed on a literal global plague.

I wasn’t immune to the fantasy that I’d get really, really jacked. Or else learn a language or take a course on playwriting, but then June swung around with zero progress and I realized that so much of it had to do with making this pandemic “worth it.” But no matter how much I try to avoid how scary and sad and fucked up this situation is, I can’t.

Plus, I realized I was trying to “be good.” As if I can cut a deal with the universe, like, if I behave and act diligently and piously and do my work then surely, the pandemic will desist in a reasonable amount of time, like three months? That was just a bullet train to heartache and rage.

I’m learning to work without committing words to the page. Film is so instructive.

GQ staff writer Zach Baron wrote an essay entitled, “How Do You Write About People When You Can’t Be Near Them?” This question applies to his line of work quite literally since he writes a lot of profiles, but given that all writing–to some extent–stems from being out in the world and observing it closely, how and where have you been finding creative inspiration these days?

Reading has been such a tonic. I’m grateful to borrow books from the library through the Libby app. Initially I was so mad at not being able to go to the physical library that I stubbornly refused to borrow e-books but I got over it. My TBR pile is so robust right now, and I love catching up on all the books I’d intended to read but missed the boat on. When I’m stuck on writing I read. I steal things. Check for grammatical quirks or transitions that I admire.

I’m also watching a ton of movies. Like, Takeshi Kitano’s mob series, Portrait of a Lady on Fire, The Last Picture Show, Badlands, Barry Lyndon. I’m learning to work without committing words to the page. Film is so instructive for proxemics and micro-expressions and the tension between what people are saying and what they’re doing.

Talking to good friends consistently has also been fruitful. My characters tend to become neurotic in a one-note way the more I isolate. It’s not as surreptitiously delightful as things you overhear or observe on mass transit, but going for walks around New York will always inspire me.

What’s something you’ve written recently that you’re especially proud of (even if it’s just a sentence!)?

Well, I finished my third novel Yolk (available now for pre-order ahem), which was surreal since it’s all about illness and death and asking for help. I had to take week-long breaks in between edits because it was brutal and uncomfortable to sit inside of, but I’m proud of what came out of it.

Some things I only get one good hour a day on. Others I need to write long-hand because word docs or final drafts feel too stultifying or scary.

I also wrote an essay about Korean author and performance artist, Theresa Hak Kyung Cha, for Doris Ho Kane and the 17.21 book that she’s doing about Asian women iconoclasts. I got so imposter syndrome-y and anxious because I don’t feel as though I’m a high-brow enough critic or essayist, but Doris seemed pumped with what I filed so I’m thrilled.

What’s the best thing you’ve read recently?

Holy shit. Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata was great. I was so sad when it ended. It was one of those where you’re just stuck on what to follow it up with because the mood is so specific.

What advice would you give to young or aspiring writers who are trying to write something right now?

Let go or get dragged. It’s healthy and realistic to have a consistent practice but I’ve also learned that every piece of work has its own particular rhythms that you’d do well to honor. I’ve wasted a lot of time setting agendas that the writing is largely indifferent to. Some things I only get one good hour a day on. Others I need to write long-hand because word docs or final drafts feel too stultifying or scary. Nothing is a value judgment or an indictment against your skills or progress. Creative works just have their own particular personalities. Plus, my circumstances and influences change along the way as well. I don’t know about you, but this is my first pandemic.

The other thing that I hate doing but am learning to lean on and value is asking for extensions. I ask as early as possible out of respect for everyone’s time because doing a weird, mincing dance when I know in my heart I’m going to blow the deadline is a disservice to everyone.

Also, I’m a big believer in the vomit draft. The first version won’t be good. You’re not as good as the You you’ll become once you’ve written the thing. The better You will do the edits and that’s how it works.

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Writers on Writing (And Not Writing) Right Now: Mary H.K. Choi published first on https://normaltimepiecesshop.tumblr.com/ Writers on Writing (And Not Writing) Right Now: Mary H.K. Choi published first on https://mariakistler.tumblr.com/

[lostinafictionaluniverse]

Riverdale 1x12 thoughts

It took days for me to finish this, I wondered if I would in time, so I rushed it somewhat towards the end. Under the cut, so as not to clutter up your dash

So the episode of the big reveal finally! It did feel deflating to me, so many of the theories I’d read (and come up with) seemed more shocking and chilling than this.

But moving on -

When Archie and Ronnie first tell Betty about not finding the gun in FPs trailer, she’s not so quick to believe them. Perhaps she’s afraid to hope? Just like Juggie? Eventually she comes around. It’s telling how Archie is the only one who wants to go to their parents with this piece of information. It speaks volumes about the trust he shares with Fred. The other two are reluctant and understandably so. I wonder if that trust between Archie and Fred will take a beating in the finale? With some of Fred’s secrets revealed?

Anyway, the adults react predictably. Fred nodding at what Mary was saying before she even got to her point was hilarious.

Betty and Archie deciding to go together to look for their best friend/ boyfriend was a sweet throwback to the pilot and them being BFFs and constantly texting each other. I like Archie much better when he’s being a friend than a boyfriend.

The scene at the bus-stop was a heart-breaker. Gladys, idk what your reasons are, but when your boy calls you in the middle of the night saying in that broken voice that he wants to come visit, you fucking let him! Idk how long it’s been since Gladys left FP and Juggie left home though. It must’ve been a while since he saw them? Did he never used to visit his grandparents when he was younger? What really went down when Gladys left FP? What made Juggie decide to stay? His love for Riverdale? Or his faith in his dad? I really need these answers. To think Juggie wanted so badly to get away he was willing to take the first bus to anyplace without a plan to what he would do when he gets there.  This seems like he was escaping. But Juggie doesn’t run away from his problems. I think he just went through some moments of extreme despair when he felt like the whole world was against him and he didn’t want to be around anyone who was familiar with his situation. Common sense still prevailed though and he headed off to Pop’s when the lobby closed. Juggie is nothing if not clear headed, even in a desperate moment.

Archie puts two and two together and decides Juggie wanted to go to Ohio. Betty totally understands his actions – the only friends he has completely betrayed him. Archie, you better admit you fucked your friend over! He doesn’t really own up to his actions, does he? Even when they find him, it’s Betty who says sorry. He just says - We all screwed up (Betty wasn’t part of it though!) and then immediately that something good came of it. Like it didn’t matter what they did, because they were gonna save FP. I get his intentions were pure, to protect Jughead, but that doesn’t make what he did okay. That’s the difference between intent and impact I guess.

Now we come to FP’s story and I’m pretty conflicted about how much of it is true. First, if Jason was so against his dad’s drug dealing business and that’s the reason he decided to run away, it seems pretty weird to me that he would seek out FP and agree to deal the very thing he’d ditched his family for. I know it was a one off job, he needed the cash to set up him and Polly, but still weird. So was FP lying to Keller? Did Jason actually approach him to seek his help to expose his dad? And were the drugs actually Cliff’s that he was going to drive upstate to a higher authority (everyone knows the Blossoms had Keller in their pocket)? Also why would Jason tell FP his entire plan about Cheryl rowing him across the river and him pretending to be dead unless he trusted him a little? And Jason would’ve trusted FP if he thought they were on the same side.  

FP confessed to stealing the files which we know Hal did. What if he lied about everything else too? Sidenote: I do think all the scenes we were shown in flashback were actually what happened. FP torching the car, FP stashing the body in the freezer – the last one was corroborated by Joaquin as well, so FP is definitely an accomplice if nothing else, and hiding felony is obstruction of justice. I really want to know that all those FB scenes were what actually happened though. Still doesn’t prove he wasn’t helping Jason expose his dad though, we didn’t hear that conversation between him and Jason, because we never get to hear Jason talk.

Polly suspected Cliff from the beginning, did Jason hint at something to her? Did he say he wanted them to run off together because his family was against them being together, same as hers? Or did he hint there was something more sinister in the offing. Seriously though, how could Hal and Alice put Polly through all that just because they were third cousins? And Alice didn’t even know! So she was going along with Hal’s plan just because of personal vendetta? How petty could you get Alice? Lying to Betty, lying to Polly, keeping her trapped in that place, not letting Betty visit her – so extreme!

Keller letting Cliff meet and be alone with FP? What police officer does that? Of course this means the Blossoms have him firmly under their thumb.

OMG- why is Ronnie so convinced that Hiram had something to do with this? She thinks he hired someone else to plant the gun now? Archie and Ronnie holding hands under the table was sweet, but why are they still keeping their relationship a secret? Possibly because it’s not the right time for it I guess. Still it was a supportive Archie moment and that’s always good.

I didn’t realize Kevin was so high on morality quotient, Juggie is at the station being grilled by Keller AGAIN??? I mean once was bad enough, how does Keller get away with talking to minors without an adult present? And Kevin thinks that’s okay? Really? And then when Betty brings up Joaquin, he’s immediately all – don’t bring my boyfriend into this! He knows Joaquin is a Serpent and that Serpents do shady things and he won’t even consider that he may be involved? But he’s so ready to believe in FPs guilt. I love how Betty doesn’t even care that FP confessed, she’s just convinced there’s more to it than that. I love determined, badass Betty!

Juggie walks in to apologize to Cheryl and oh my God, it takes so much fucking courage to do this? In front of the whole crowd? I think he kinda anticipated her reaction, he feels shitty about what his dad did so he’s taking the beating in place of FP.  Juggie taking responsibility for FP when FP never did for him is all kinds of fucked up. He doesn’t owe FP shit. He doesn’t owe Cheryl shit. Yet he apologized. His voice broke me. This boy is such a fucking gem.

Betty meeting Cheryl at the lockers was her explaining Juggie, but also being understanding of what Cheryl was going through, and Betty is so good to do this.  Cheryl was in grief yes, but saying barely touched him? Juggie had a cut on his lip! Archie is so useless at defending Juggie but at least he tried. Don’t know who’s a bigger dick – Weatherbee or Keller. I get why Juggie is so upset and why he isn’t in the mood to believe in his dad’s innocence. He’s not in a great place. He’s been asked all kind of probing questions by unsympathetic dickheads and just been pummelled by Cheryl for being her brother’s murderer’s son. Plus he hasn’t slept all night. He must be such a mess and unable to think rationally. He’s angry -of course he is -and tired, who can blame him for venting it out on his dad? But that line- I’ve been waiting my whole life for that man to do the right thing- broke me. And made me angry at FP all over again for putting Juggie through that emotional rollercoaster.

Weatherbee is a dick – concerned for Jughead’s safety my ass, immediately after he’s worried about other students reaction to it. Archie was defending his bro, and I loved it. Fred was looking out for Archie and that is his job as a dad, but couldn’t he see that Jughead isn’t to blame for his dad’s actions? Okay, becoming his guardian was a bit much and Archie was pushing, but Fred’s – trouble seem to follow the Joneses” was unnecessarily harsh. Not done. Fred! That look Archie gave him when Juggie said he’s sleep in the garage said it all!

Okay, so now onto the big reveal Coopers = Blossoms, I have just this to say, I don’t know why this is such a big deal and Hal, why couldn’t you just tell Polly if you thought it was??? The Coopers immediately think the Blossoms would be even more deranged than Hal when it came to third cousins dating but it actually wasn’t the case? OMG that scene was so OTT and hilarious and so Riverdale! Alice and her witching references and Dr Moreau experimentation and Penelope’s utterly cracked line about nothing being more purely Blossom than those babies. I swear I was Polly in that scene, her face was my face! And Hal going – what is wrong with you people! And Penelope with her crazy eyes! OMG- such drama! Juggie would’ve loved to witness it! Sidenote: Cheryl looked truly heartbroken that Polly left – remember her immediately holding Polly saying she’s not going anywhere? Madelaine killed it in every scene this episode. She brings out Cheryl’s conflict so well.

Mary tells them that FPs one phone call was to Joaquin. Juggie’s quip even in the most despondent of times – at least he’s honest murderer - that’s his armour, to hide his pain, by making those sardonic quips. My heart hurts

And in the next scene it literally ached. Skeet and Cole killed it. Oh god, the pain in FPs eyes when Juggie was recounting his feelings. And the hurt in Juggie’s voice when he talked about how his hopes came crashing down!

-          You paid attention to me

-          I was so happy for the first time in so long

And then FP with the Never come back here and Juggie turning around to look at him for the longest time. My God I was shook. They have the most intense chemistry, so much was flowing between them in that scene without exchanging a single word. And then – Got it. It was like some secret father-son code exchange that happened, that we were privy to, but didn’t understand until later when Juggie called Betty to tell her he knew his dad was hiding something.

So I’m assuming this part of FPs story is true because it’s being told by Joaquin as well. Obstruction of justice is an offence, though I’m not sure perjury counts because he wasn’t actually lying under oath.

I assume that shot of FP reaching something with a cloth in his hand is actually him covering the camera? The same one that recorded Cliff shooting Jason?

Kevin being all shocked at Joaquin and calling him a criminal- I was like, dude-  did you not know who you were dating? He’s a Serpent for Chrissake!

Ronnie now begins to annoy me with her obsession with her dad being in the middle of everything. Why?

Okay when Juggie calls Betty from I assume the station his eyes follow a man in a hat who’s walking away with something (a file?) under his arm. Is this supposed to be significant?

So Mustang is dead. Was it an overdose or did Cliff kill him? Because he was blackmailing him? Also the bag they found was similar to the one Hermione gave to the Mayor. So how did it come to be with Mustang? Is she mixed up in this too?

Is Archie actually crying when Fred tells him in the car that he’s trying to protect him and doing his job bcos it’s the only one that counts?

I maybe dim but what happened that made Hermione break down like that? Was she surprised the bag was found next to a murdered man? Did she think Hiram was responsible for killing Mustang? Or Jason? Or both? Or was she just worried for Ronnie and what her snooping is leading to? Is she just now realizing what a dangerous man she’s married to?

Now this is what I mean by deus ex machinas in this episode, just conevenient little coincidences that happen and just everything leads neatly to the murderer? Like Joaquin suddenly deciding to tell Kevin about the bag he’d stashed away? Or that FP had a recording of the murder that he saved on a USB? Or that Betty had a brainwave that told her something was missing? – okay maybe that last one was logical reasoning because why would a jacket be so precious that he had to hide it away? Still, the whole lead up to the reveal felt pretty – unsatisfactory?

Okay, Betty says who’s he protecting and the shot shifts to Penelope. I must admit for a moment I thought it might be her. But really she knew too much about her husband and the things he was doing, the fact that Jason didn’t want any of it and that he threw the ring on their face. How could she not suspect Cliff even a little? Or was she afraid to? Like Cheryl? Who knew something was off and FP was not the real killer? She knew about the drug business. She knew Jason couldn’t stomach it. She knew Cliff was upset about it. I see where Cheryl gets her extra –ness from, Penelope is just too dramatic. She dragged Cheryl right to the barn, and then said – drown in it, why don’t you? Does she really think its syrup? Does she not know the truth?

Okay they ruled out Hal and Hermione, but not Hiram? He was in prison, no? Or they believe he orchestrated it through someone like Ronnie does? He couldn’t have actually held the gun that killed Jason.

I know what you’re going to say, mom

They found another body

Okay, maybe not that – lol

Sheriff Clueless – lmao. But Alice doesn’t think they’ve got the right person? She was all aboard the FP is guilty train and suddenly she thinks the bow is too tidy?

What was FPs contingency plan with Joaquin? Did he also tell him to flee Riverdale if he got arrested? Déjà vu – the exact same spot the car was! And the same place they found the jacket before! That got me thinking - who put the car there? Was it Jason or FP? If FP knew where the car was why didn’t he torch it before? Was he following Bughead hoping they’d lead him to the car? How did he know they would? Arrggh so many questions!

Ahh Ronnie is convinced it was her dad too, but she seems much too calm dealing with that realization. I love how Betty takes one look at Juggie’s dejected face and immediately her Nancy Drew senses begin to tingle. Girl wants so bad to help her bae!

I still don’t get why Archie had to wear the jacket for Betty to look into the pockets but it was worth it to see befuddled Archie standing there like a mannequin while Betty got her sleuth on. Voila – there’s the USD aaannnnndd very conveniently, the murder all taped and saved in HD quality mp4 - okay maybe not, but you get what I mean!

Cheryl was so eerily calm when she got Betty’s call, like she almost expected it.  I noticed that Archie actually covered his mouth when they showed us the kids reacting to the video the second time round. Did they film that twice?

Okay so when is later? When did they learn why FP confessed – to protect Jughead? Did he come right out and say it? Did he tell Juggie or Keller? Of all the charges Keller was stating off the top of his head, perjury doesn’t really quality, he wasn’t under oath, was he?

I love fierce and passionate Juggie, took me back to when he was arguing his case with the Mayor about the drive-in. Archie wanting to stay because his friends need him was so heartwarming. This is the Archie Andrews I want to see, not the selfish, needy fuckboy we’ve been shown thus far.

I found Penelope and Cheryl creepily directing the Sheriff to the barn so weird and so suggestive of foul play. Almost as though they knew what happened bcos they made it happen. Whydonit will be in the next episode, but really , the reveal was so underwhelming for me (mostly because of that Madelaine spoiler that Cheryl would be ruined) that it felt like a cop-out. They went with the safest choice. No one will miss Cliff Blossom, his being the killer or being dead isn’t going to impact anyone except Cheryl  and perhaps Penelope, and that feels a bit hollow somehow. Too tidy, as Alice would say. The reason why he did it seems pretty straightforward too – Jason wouldn’t cooperate and maybe he threatened to expose his dad, so he had to be killed, Unless they surprise us with another quite different reason. I somehow don’t think so.