#fuck your spam messages with this ‘pass the happiness’ bullshit

[jasonsthunderthighs]

I literally hate this.

Come back here coward, so I can block you for this stupid ass message!

[maijobi]

back to you

dabi x reader

summary: when things don’t go well in your relationship, you find it best to end it... 

a/n: it has a good ending I promise. I did kinda hurt myself writing this I don't even know why. but sad dabi really does make me feel things.

———————————————————————

your hands were in your hair, doing your best to not pull every strand out of your scalp. your eyes were closed and you were doing your best to calm yourself down, counting down from ten.

“dabi, we have had this conversation for over a hundred times. you can’t control me. and why can’t you just trust me for once?”, you said, finally  opening your eyes and looking at dabi.

“fine”, he said clenching his jaw. “go. let all of those people see you. go. you know what, don’t come back tonight will you?”

“stop overreacting”, you said, breathing out heavily. “I'm sick and tired of you constantly telling me what to do. I'm your partner, not your child. I know my limits and I know what to look out for. and who are you to tell me to not come back tonight? this isn’t just your place. we live here with a bunch of losers, what makes you think you’re more special than them? what makes you think you overpower them? what makes you think you have more to say than us?”

he took a few steps closer to you and looked down at you with a wrinkled nose. “I just don’t like my partner going out where there are people that will look at them. I don’t like how you can’t keep your mouth shut around people and let them flirt with you. I can’t stand you going to places and not knowing your limit, when you claim you do.”

“just because I let people talk to me, doesn’t mean I'm letting them flirt with me?”, you confusedly said. “oh I apologize dabi. I apologize that I do not prefer to burn people to the ground when they give you a genuine smile. I apologize that I couldn’t become as great as you”, you sarcastically said while throwing your hands in the air and then dropping them. “do you hear how stupid you sound? we have this discussion almost every day, but I can’t seem to get some senses into you. I'm tired of this, dabi. I'm tired of having to explain myself every day when I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I can’t talk to anyone before I have you breathing against my neck telling me to stay away from that person.”

“sweetheart, dollface, sugar”, he said with gritted teeth, taking steps closer to you and holding on of your hand and placing it over his heart. “don’t make this harder for the both of us and just don’t go outside will you?”

you pulled your arm away from his grip. “not this time dabi. I'm sick of this. sick of you wanting to control everything I do. you wanting to have a dominant role in this relationship. why is that even needed? why can’t you treat me as an equal? can’t you for once just let me live? I'm tired, I'm tired of telling myself that you’ll change when you don’t”, you said, finally showing the frustration on your face. 

“and you think I'm having fun?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. “you think I enjoy seeing you having fun with someone else? it hurts you just as much as it does me doll”, he said, raising his voice. “it’s also hard for me to see you flirting back with other people! know your fucking limits”, he said placing his hand on your chin and pulling it up slightly.

“don’t act like you are right here”, you sat, pulling your chin away from his grip and taking a step back. “for once. for fucking once accept that you can’t control everything I do and that you can’t overpower me. respect goes both ways, but I'm not seeing any on your accord.”

“now you’re just talking bullshit”, he said in a loud voice, laughing to shake off his frustration. “what does this even mean?! what is it that you’re trying to accomplish here? what is it that you so desperately want, huh? attention from someone else? if you’re not even gonna listen to my feelings, how am I supposed to take yours in account? you only do as you please and where does that bring us, huh?! where the fuck-!”

“that maybe perhaps we’re not meant for each other”, you interrupted him. “that maybe we’re just not fit for each other.”

his face dropped and you saw every emotion pass on his face. he was confused. he was confused as to the words you had just dared to speak, something he didn’t even think about once. to him this was normal, to him this was behavior that should be present in a relationship. to him, fighting everyday seemed normal. but his motives for this relationship seemed to be totally different from yours.

“you must be kidding no”, you said with a distressed smile. “h-how can you just easily say something like that?”

“because you made sure I did. if you just for once tried to understand me, perhaps this wouldn’t have happened.”

he walked closer to you and held your shouders. “you’re kidding right?”

“i’m not, dabi. I'm being very much serious right now. how can I continue this when my feelings are being invalidated on a daily basis? how am I supposed to respect you further when you literally treat me like your pet?”, you said a brushing off his grip on your shoulder. “I can’t do this when all of this only brings me anxiety and constant stress?”

he looked at you, lost in another world progressing what you had just said. it surely couldn’t have been true, you were joking right? but the expression on your face made him his eyes go larger and his mouth almost hung open. “y-you can’t be serious”, he said with a smile, but that soon dropped when he shook your head.

“i’m not”, you said turning around and walking to the door.

you didn’t turn around to look back at him, and he made no attempt to stop you. perhaps he hadn’t even believe that you actually left. or maybe he was just waiting for you to finally leave him. maybe this was for the better you thought, but for dabi this was a whole different experience. 

he was convinced you were coming back that night, he convinced himself that you would. so when you didn’t he totally lost it. the person that barely texted you had spammed you with messages and missed calls, leaving behind various emotions. he didn't know what he was feeling. this was all new to him.

dollface, you’re not serious right?

you’re coming back tonight right?

I'm sure you are...

you didn’t take me seriously, did you?

please come back.

please look at your messages.

it’s past midnight, please come back.

don’t scare me like this. just come back already. 

please...

you looked at your phone, tapping the corners or your phone. you decided to not answer, but that left you in a weird state of mind. you didn’t know what you were feeling. were you happy? sad? relieved? more stressed? you didn’t even know. you felt numb. 

you found your way to an old friend, asking if you could stay over until you figured out what you would do to survive. you locked your phone and threw it next to you on the bed. you allowed yourself to fall with your back on the mattress. you’d feel better in the morning, is what you tried to convince yourself. but would you really?

you woke up with a heavy headache. it was hard to even sit upright. but when you opened your eyes it was still dark. there was heavy rain outside and falling back asleep seemed like an impossible thing right now. 

you tapped on your phone letting it light up. 

3 a.m.

you sighed. what were you gonna do now? you felt too stressed to even close an eye. you didn’t know what you were supposed to do. you loved him and he probably loved you too, but this couldn’t go on forever.

you looked at your screen again, not missing all the messages he had left behind.

please I know I fucked up, but please just come back.

you can’t be doing this.

and many more messages like that had filled your phone. you frustratingly brushed your hand through your hair and sighed loudly. it felt wrong. it felt wrong to have left like that in the middle of an argument. but at the same time this had happened so many times that you couldn’t just do nothing. 

you rose from your bed, still not answering any of his messages. your phone rung every five minutes, but you just didn’t pick it up. you walked to the kitchen and filled a glass with water only to leave it on the counter after seeing his new messages.

I really need you.

I don’t need anybody else.

just you. so please, please come back.

you blinked once, then twice and then many more times. dabi had really said he needed you. the independent guy, who would refuse help from anyone had said he needed you. you weren’t sure what to do. you paced around the kitchen, biting down on your nail. your phone made a sound again.

I just really... can’t live without you.

you sighed loudly and with a quick steps you walked to the door. you put on your shoes and ran out the door taking the keys with you. the rain splashed on your skin, clothes and hair, making you soaked in an instant as you ran down the street. but you didn’t care. the only thing that ran through your head was wanting to see dabi. wanting to see him share his feelings and wanting to see him need you. 

even the bad memories had a good ending for you. every time you fought, you’d fix it together. so why couldn’t that be done now? why did you have to act so selfishly again? you knew you were partially right, but at the same time you knew this wasn’t right. all your memories with him flooded in your mind and it made you run faster.

your feet dragged you to the place you had thought he was, because you knew he wouldn’t be at the residence. he would be at the place that caused his trauma, but at the same time was his most visited place. 

the forest were he had supposedly died. the forest where his dad had refused to come to. the forest with his last memories of home.

you stopped in track when you saw his figure. his back facing you and his head looking up. he was wearing a front zip hoodie with the cap over his head. allowing the droplets to hit his face. he had heard something so he turned around.

when he saw you standing there in the rain he took one step and reached out his hand, but stopped when you only stared at him. you were out of breath, breathing in and out heavily as your chest heaved. 

you looked at him, seeing the sad expression on his face. you shook your head and started walking, but before you knew it you were running to him. you ran and when you reached him, you threw yourself on him, holding him like you never did before.

he was in shock, not being able to do anything, just allowing you to slowly pull him down for the hug. when you pulled away you held his face and searched it, but before he could say anything you crashed your lips against his, tasting the rain on them. it was still pouring and this might have been the closest thing to an actual romantic scene the two of you had. 

your lips danced together and you melt in each others touch. he finally allowed himself to be embraced and snaked his arms around your back to deepen the kiss. he pushed you against him and moved his hands to your neck to pull you closer. your hands slid down and rested on his chest.

when he pulled away he looked you in your eyes. water droplets were falling on your face and he made an attempt to wipe them away though the rain hadn't stopped. you wanted to say something, but he shut you up by pulling you in once more and giving you a small, but soft kiss.

“i’m sorry”, he said, pulling you flush against him to hug you. “I'm sorry for always wanting to control you. I was just scared.”

you slid your arm around his waist and hugged him back. “scared of what?”

“of you leaving”, he whispered just loud enough to hear above the splashing raindrops. “I haven’t been open about my feelings. I just didn’t know how to. but I was raised with the thought of rejection and people leaving me behind. I wasn’t used to all of this. I wasn’t used to having all this affection, so I was scared you’d leave just like the rest.”

you tightened your grip on him. “I don’t have a reason to leave. I just need you to be open with me like just now. so we can work things out together”, you said, looking up so that you were facing him.

he looked down and a soft smile formed on his face. he kissed you again and again and again until completely devouring your lips on his, not giving you a chance to pull away. but that wasn’t needed. you had understood the whole situation and the both of you were able to figure it out together. many ways had opened for the two of you and the both of you have yet to learn so much about each other. but you were both willing to change yourself for each other. because even if things weren't always great, the two of you would find their ways back to each other. 

[chaoticminhos]

chained

pairing: seo changbin x reader

genre: smut, halloween !!

warnings: home invasion

word count: 2.7k

a/n: happy halloween my babies!!! enjoy sex demon changbin :)

summary: bombarded with chain messages the night before halloween, y/n expects nothing but her friends being stupid, or maybe some practical joke. what she didn’t expect, however, was for the message to play up to its threats, landing her with a surprise visitor.

you rolled your eyes as the message flashed across your screen for the nth time in just that day alone. nearly a dozen of your friends, and even some people that you wouldn’t call more than an acquaintance, had forwarded the same long, obviously bullshit chain message to you.

“the veil will be thin this halloween. send this message to 10 of your friends to lock in your safety. if you ignore, something bad will happen halloween night.”

it was the same type of shit that got thrown around in middle school and the fact that people still believed these cheesy things was really diminishing your confidence in your college for letting them in.

completely ignoring the message jisung had sent before the chain message asking if you were going to a halloween party the next day, you clicked off your phone. if he made you deal with stupid messages, he could deal with being left on read.

you made your way to your bathroom, setting your phone on the sink and ridding yourself of your clothes. you stepped into the shower, wincing at the cold. curse the cheap apartment for never having enough hot water, but it’s all you could afford.

despite the water being less than warm, you took your time. living in the situation you did, you actually sort of got used to the cold showers, and even liked them sometimes. of course you still wished it wasn’t temperature roulette whenever you needed to take a shower, but at least cold showers weren’t the most terrible things in the world.

eventually, though, your toes started to stiffen and the cold became unbearable. maybe the water heater was more busted than usual or maybe you were just in a cold spell, but either way, you could only handle so much of the ice cold water. even when you semi-enjoy them, a cold shower is only soothing for so long.

you stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel securely around yourself, wrapping your hair in another to dry.

just as you bent down to pick up your dirty clothes from the floor, your phone buzzed on the ceramic of the bathroom counter. you reached for it, pressing the clothes from the floor against your body to hold the towel up with the other arm. unsurprisingly for it being nearly the middle of the night, the name on your phone read jisung, jisung, jisung. no one else was usually up this late on school nights, and when they were, they weren’t texting you. unless it was jisung. as your best friend, he took it as his personal duty to keep you from getting a healthy night of sleep, ever.

you unlocked your phone and went to messages, where you had 5 unread messages from jisung just since you’d been in the shower. clingy, as always.

upon opening the chat, you were met with 5 more messages matching the chain message he’d already sent you. as you were typing a reply and telling him to stop being annoying, another message came through. same person, same words.

with a huff, you deleted the start of the grumpy message you’d been forming and decided you’d stick with leaving him on read. he would get bored eventually. or so you thought.

nearly half an hour passed and you were still getting regular messages from jisung, all the same exact thing, copy and paste. you’d resorted to silencing your phone to avoid the constant vibrations signaling a message, but they kept coming. by now you had well over 30 of the same text from jisung, and you were getting fed up with it.

seeing that ignoring him obviously wasn’t doing what you’d hoped, you wrote a message and hit send.

can you not be a pain in my ass for literally two seconds?

you watched as the message tried to send, only to be stopped by a red error mark.

“message could not be sent. check your network and try again.”

great, so not only were the showers freakishly cold, the wifi decided to play favorites as well, working enough to deliver jisung’s messages to your phone but not allowing you to reply.

you took a deep breath as you sunk into the couch you were sitting on, willing yourself not to explode. your phone lit up in your hand with another message, jisung, of course, and you caught a glimpse of the time on your screen. it only made your bad mood worsen.

it was 10 past midnight, making it officially halloween, and instead of being happy as you should on your favorite holiday, you were busy trying not to walk straight to jisung’s dorm and strangle the ever living fuck out of him.

your phone screen dimmed and shut off. you took a deep breath and decided to follow suit, lifting yourself from the couch and making your way to your bedroom. maybe you just needed some sleep. maybe it was just as funny as jisung seemed to think it was to be spamming you like a middle school girl and you just couldn’t see that through your sleepy grumpiness.

you let your shoulder hit the door, gently pushing it open as you stepped into your bedroom. not bothering to turn a light on, you tripped over something, probably a pile of clothes, arms flinging out to your bed to catch yourself, only you didn’t come in contact with the soft fuzzy feeling of your favorite blanket. instead, your frantic hands were met with another pair on arms. a stronger, really steady, definitely-not-your-roommates-because-you-didn’t-have-one pair of arms, so who the fuck was sitting on your bed?

a scream erupted from your throat before you even had time to process the current situation. you immediately put distance between yourself and the intruder, tripping backwards over the same pile of whatever you had stumbled over in the first place. you fell backwards, luckily not close enough to the wall to have hit your head, and shuffled until your back was flush with the wall.

you watched in shock as the shadow of whoever the fuck had broken into your apartment leaned across the bed and to the table you had beside it, turning the knob on your reading lamp until the room filled with light.

he leaned back into his original position, the only difference from before being that how you could see him. he didn’t look like what you’d have imagined someone breaking into a young girls apartment to look like. he was sporting a bright white t-shirt and black sweats, his hair brushed out of his face. not really the best outfit for someone to avoid detection in.

unless he didn’t want to avoid detection because it didn’t matter if you saw him because he was going to kill you and it didn’t matter if you’d seen his face because you’d be dead and... oh fuck.

the words that left your mouth would have made you cringe at how cliche they sounded if you hadn’t been in fear for your life.

“w-who are you?”

you’d expected anything other than the reaction he had. he cocked his head, a small pout forming on his lips.

“think.”

your jaw moved and you tried to get something coherent to form, but nothing came out.

he chuckled at your reaction, keeping the pout on his lips as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees with his hands intertwined in between them.

“it’s been, what,” he glanced at the alarm clock on your bedside table, “five minutes since the last message and you’ve already forgot?”

your guard fell a little as the confusion of his words set in.

“what messages?”

he rolled his eyes, moving his arms behind him to support his body as he leaned back, and began reciting the message you’d been receiving nonstop for the entire night.

“the veil will be thin this halloween. send this message to 10 of your friends to lock in your safety. if you ignore, something bad will happen halloween night.”

you blinked at him, “i still don’t understand.”

he stood from your bed and began towards you. you knew that you should run, hit him, make a grab for your phone, anything, but you were frozen. you watched with wide eyes as he crouched down right in front of you, his knees touching yours, which were pulled up against your chest.

“it says something bad would happen.” he raised his hand for you to shake, “so hello, i’m something bad.”

when you didn’t take it, he sighed and let his hand fall to rest on your leg. your eyes snapped to his hand on your knee.

“of course,” he let his hand slide down from your knee and onto your thigh, “i don’t have to be a bad thing.”

your head was clouded and the only processable thought going through it was how warm his hand felt against your thigh. you knew that logically you should have done anything to get him to stop touching you, he was a fucking home intruder for gods sake, but you honestly didn’t want to. every moment he was near you, you felt the initial fear in your body melt into wanting.

he cocked his head, “i won’t even hurt you.” he raised an eyebrow, “unless you want me to.”

his eyes trailed up from his hand on your thigh and across your torso until he locked his gaze with yours. a smirk grew on his lips at how compliant you were being. he raised his free hand to your other leg and gently pushed your legs from against your body until he could fit himself in between them, leaning forward so his lips were only inches from yours.

if he’d doubted for any second that you didn’t want him, the way your legs trapped him close to you and your eyes were locked to his lips wiped it all away.

surprising him, you were the one to close the gap between you two, pressing your lips roughly to his.

he hummed into the kiss, bringing a hand up to cup your face while the other remained rested on your thigh.

he took your bottom lip between his teeth and you greedily accepted his request, letting him deepen the kiss. it only lasted a moment before he broke it off, grabbing your arms and helping you stand. he gestured towards the bed, and you me legs took you there before you could even really process what he was asking.

you sat on the edge of the bed patiently, eyes locked to his back as he pulled his shirt over his head. as much as you could have stated at his muscular back for ages, a rush went through you when he turned around. you let him lean down and gently kiss you before manhandling you until you were laying on your back in the middle of the bed.

you gladly opened your legs and let him place himself between them, crawling over you and reconnecting your lips once again. one arm kept him stable above you as the other trailed its way down your body, sneaking under your shirt and up your back to unclip your bra. you whined as he took his lips off from yours to lift you up and pull your shirt and bra over your shoulders, but he quieted you with his lips back on yours as soon as the clothing was out of the way.

a soft moan passed your lips as he trailed wet kisses down your jaw and to your neck, softly nipping at the sensitive skin. he continued his path down your body and to your chest, taking your nipple in his lips while his other hand came up to tease the other. you’d never been someone who got very worked up from having your nipples touched, but something about the way changbin did literally anything to you made you squirm. he continued to trail kisses along your stomach until he reached the waistband of your pants, his hand leaving your chest to hook around the waistband. you lifted your hips and he easily slid your pants and underwear to your feet where you kicked them off, leaving you completely nude under him.

he bit his lip as he scanned your naked body, completely on display for him. the fact that he’d managed to get you on this position for him just minutes after introducing himself to you made him throb in his jeans. he knew you’d give in to him eventually, it wasn’t possible for a human to deny his aura, but you’d given in right away. maybe you’d have given in to him even if he didn’t have a seductive aura, and the thought of you being attracted to him for reasons other than the fact that everyone was turned him on beyond belief.

he could have sat there between your legs and admired you for the entire night, but the impatient whine that left your mouth told him you wouldn’t be too happy with that idea. instead, he leaned back on his heels and undid his pants, pulling them down enough to finally release himself from the constraints of his underwear.

there really wasn’t an aspect of this man that wasn’t perfect, it seemed. he gave himself a few slow strokes, groaning at the long awaited stimulation. his hands returned to your hips and drifted towards your heat only to be stopped by your hand grabbing his wrist.

“i don’t need prep, just please fuck me.”

he caught a groan in his throat and replaced it with words, “say that again.”

you hooked your legs around him and pulled him close to you, close enough to make the head of his cock brush gently against your wetness.

“fuck me, changbin. i need you.”

how was it that he, the sex demon, seemed to be under a trance by you, a mere human? he didn’t question it, just immediately listening to you and lining himself up with your entrance, slowly sinking in.

you tried to keep your eyes open, you wanted to watch the pretty faces he was making as he sunk into you. you succeeded for a while, but when he gave the first harsh thrust, hitting you right in the sweet spot on his first try, you couldn’t help but screw your eyes shut and let out a borderline scream of pleasure. he was doing you so well, you thought maybe he was made for this.

it honestly surprised you how long you lasted with every single move of his hips being aimed at the exact correct spot. with a few particular violent rolls of his hips and his expert hands on your clit, you had the most overwhelming orgasm you’d ever experienced. you caged your legs around him, moaning a mantra of curses and his name. you felt him full you up and you could have swore that the feeling mixed with the unholy noises he let out could have made you cum again just from that if he hadn’t worn you out so hard from just one round.

he gently pulled out if you, cooing at you while you whined at the overstimulation. he fell down on the bed next to you and turned to face you.

“i made a good choice.”

you cocked an eyebrow, “what? breaking into my house and seducing me?”

he chuckled, “i didn’t break in. you let me in when you didn’t answer a single message i sent you.”

“that’s not even good logic.”

he shrugged, moving the bed a bit. “it’s clear in the rules i wrote.”

“yeah, okay.” you gave him a skeptical look. “how did you even get jisung in on this? he usually prefers to terrorize me alone.”

“didn’t need him to know about it. i don’t think his phone even registered the texts. they’re only on your end, if i did it correctly.”

you raised an eyebrow, “you some kind of hacker?”

he smiled, looking over at the bedside lamp and turning it off without ever touching it, not that you noticed.

“something like that.”

[selfships-in-spanish]

Hey it’s been a while since we’ve been able to talk but I’ve missed you!!!

Just a life update I figured out I am a lesbian so 🤪

I’m finishing up my junior year of college now and figuring out vacation with my girlfriend! It’s been a busy year but every once in a while I like to check in on your blog and read through your older writing stuff

I hope you’re having a great year, and I’d love to hear what’s been going on with you <3

MY DARLING <3333333333333333333

This made me genuinely so, so happy! I MISSED YOU TOO!!!! Even if doesn't seem like it, I think about all of you a lot. I love every interaction, ask and comment we ever had and it has brought me so much joy! I really hope you all are having wonderful times and that are okay <3

I know I have Tumblr super abandoned and I'm on Twitter and sometimes on Instagram, but I was thinking about coming back here. I really love Tumblr, even though they have massive issues and shit :_) gotta love this little hellhole.

BUT YOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SO HAPPY FOR YOU MY LOVE 💖💖💖 I'm so glad you can be fully you, and be happy with it!! (drinking game, shot every time I write happy in this reply)

I hope these last months of college treat you well and that you pass with flying colours ✨ Last push! C'MON YOU GOT THIS!! THEN VACATIONS WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND FUCK YEAH! Sounds super good!!! (I'm seriously writing all this with a huge smile sdjflskadjfsadfhakhgfksfd I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU)

Also thank you for checking in ;v; I do plan to post more stuff, also updates on the QoD fic (I swear I'm getting to it, LIFE HAS BEEN CRAZY) and arts and stuff. Get ready for an incoming spam <3

But on my part life has been busy as fuck too, but in a good way.

Well, first of all I caught covid and almost went to the hospital xD I was alone at home and my entire family caught it too, so we couldn't go to take care of each other and my boyfriend was back at his home, too. Also with covid.

It was massively shitty.

Luckily we all recovered from it, so that's a good thing!! But well, apart from that I was unemployed and no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't able to land a job. The whole covid situation really made it seriously difficult and I wanted to scream. I somehow landed a job as a colour assistant on the Webtoon series Sable Curse, (still can't believe it sfsdfa) which is officially launched now!! I was super happy to be part of the team and see how the story and characters developed. It really was super fun and a learning experience! But I had to leave it because... I FOUND A JOB!

I am officially a 2D concept artist & illustrator! :DDDDD YOUR GIRL MADE IT, FUCK YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS

But it means it's a day job, 8-5 and I am so fucking tired I spend my evenings doodling and playing Genshin :_) I'm slowly finishing commissions but I am super exhausted. I love my job though x)

I also recently moved into a new flat! Me and my boyfriend wanted to move out because we had humidity & mold, a lot of problems with the neighbourhood and such, so we were looking for a new one like crazy. It was draining and so. fucking. shitty. because in Barcelona flat prices are INSANE. Also because of my new job I need to be closer to the office... so we were looking to move out of the city itself, too. And we made it! By sheer luck but we made it xD

Holy fuck I'm writing a bible here xD

But basically, that's it! New job, new flat, new me! And also still on my eruri/aot bullshit because those two got me on a chokehold. Eva is my darling baby and I was itching also to draw Ona, my child TvT

Thank you so much for reaching out to me and writing this message! It seems super silly but I'm so happy you did so! TvT

I hope everything continues to go well for you!! You deserve it <3

[waywardwrestlewritingwaif]

Raise the Stakes, Part 10

Hope you've enjoyed the pic/ inspiration spam I've ben posting! Here's the next section. YOu can find previous sections on the Master List.

Do I have an ending for this coming up? No. I have about 6 and I haven't decided which direction I'm going to go in. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'm not going to be able to "pick" an ending until after they have their match at Resurgence next week. But please feel free to message me and tell me what should happen. In the meantime...

Pairing: David Finlay x OFC x Jay White

Word count: 1,943

Content advisory: nothing really, although I guess there's some behavior that could be interpreted as creepy

You’re dimly aware of someone lifting you and carrying you and by the time you get backstage, you’re more or less fully conscious.

“Are you ok?” one of the production assistants comes running over.

“Yeah, I just haven’t had a lot to eat today,” you mumble. “I’m not hurt or anything.”

“I know it’s hot out there with the lights and everything.”

“Really, it’s ok, I just got a bit dizzy.”

The security guard looming over you, the man who brought you back here, looks a little skeptical.

“What happened?”

“You fainted.”

“No, I mean, what happened with the show? I saw that… Switchblade showed up.” You chuckle a little. “Did the other guys beat him up or are they all together?”

The production assistant smiles. “It was pretty cool. They kind of stared down but before anything happened, Juice and David went running out, so them and Callihan cleared the ring.”

“Nice.” You very much like the sound of that. “The good guys got one back.”

“Yeah, I mean Jay hit David and took him out at the end but it was pretty positive.”

“He what?”

“Yeah, after they’d driven everyone off, Jay jumped back in and did his blade runner thing on David. Looked pretty cool.”

Panic sets in.

“Is David ok?”

“I’m sure he is. Maybe his ego’s a bit bruised.”

“Where is he?”

You and David aren’t “out” as anything, you’re not even sure if you are anything, but you don’t care what anyone makes of it because you need to see him.

“I think he’s with the doctor,” the PA answers confusedly.

You’re immediately on your feet, all of your faculties returned, running for the medic’s office. When you get there, Juice tries to grab your arm but you dodge him and go skidding into the room where David is seated on the examination table. He looks at you like he’s surprised to see you.

“Are you alright?” he asks.

“Fine. Are you? I sort of fainted and… I heard you got hurt.”

He gives you a wink. “Nothing I haven’t felt before. This is just a precaution because I wasn’t expecting the…” He stares at you hard before addressing himself to the doctor. “Could you give us a minute?’

“No problem,” she sighs. “You look fine.”

David thrusts his chin out at Juice to tell him that he should back off too. His partner looks a little unsure but steps back a few paces.

Once you’re alone, David raises his arm, inviting you to come closer. When you’re within reach, he pulls you against him.

“I didn’t know,” you croak. “I had no idea about any of this, you have to believe me, I wouldn’t-”

“Hey,” he says softly, touching your cheek, “if you say you didn’t know then I believe you.”

“This is my fault, though. I made it worse.”

“Stop that. Jay’s an asshole. He always has to be angry about something. I beat him in Japan and you ditched him to come here.”

“For you,” you remind him.

He gives you a sweet kiss and runs his finger along the shell of your ear. “What do you mean, you fainted?”

“I just got dizzy. I haven’t really eaten.”

“Well let’s fix that. I’ll just finish up with the doc and we can go get something to eat.”

“You mean it?” It’s such a relief that he still wants to spend time with you that you feel like you’re going to pass out again.

“Yeah I mean it.” He grins and calls out for the doctor to come back in. She does a quick final check and determines that he can go.

He slips off the table and, as you go to leave, slips his arm around you. You respond in kind and it feels like your body is glowing.

Until you get into the hallway. There he is, talking to some of the guys, laughing away, the arrogance just rolling off him. He glances at the two of you with a sinister expression, his eyes locking onto yours until you turn your head away.

“You should kick his ass right here,” you growl.

David looks at you and shakes his head. “Not worth the trouble.” He gives you a squeeze before continuing, “Now what do you feel like eating?”

“At this point, anything that doesn’t eat me first.”

“I never did get my cheat pizza.”

“I think you deserve it,” you grin.

“So let’s go pick up some pizza. Then we can go back to your place and you can take care of me.”

A broad smile spreads across your face. “You aren’t getting sick of me yet?”

“Not even a little bit.”

He pulls you in front of him and kisses you full on, not wildly but enough to make it clear to anyone who sees you what’s going on. He chuckles when he lets you go and glances down the hallway where Jay is still holding court with his hangers-on.

“Jay,” he calls, waiting until he’s sure he has his enemy’s attention, “you lose.”

*

When you arrive at work on Monday, it’s with a considerable level of anxiety. Things have definitely gotten more complicated. Jay is, after all, a New Japan performer, and as the liaison between New Japan and US promotions, that means you’re supposed to work with him. Even the idea of being in the same room with him makes you shake a little. You and David finally spent a night apart so that he wouldn’t have to get up early when you did, but you’d still been texting until you both fell asleep. Truthfully, Jay hadn’t been on your mind as long as you were with David but now you can’t avoid thinking about him.

What you have with David feels amazing but it’s also new and fragile, a tiny shoot rising up from the soil, still trying to grow and lay down roots at the same time. You want to protect it and you know that Jay wants to kill it off because no one embarrasses him the way the two of you have. You don’t know what he’s planning to do, you just know you have to be wary of it.

For the first part of the day, it’s just backstage people and the production team going through what’s needed for the day’s tapings. Talent will arrive in the afternoon, followed by a small audience. You make your notes on who needs to be where and making sure it lines up with what Tokyo tells you they’re expecting. Some of them have to fly to California to do shows there and you need to make sure the tapings happening in the next few days aren’t going to interfere with any of those plans.

“Did you get it out of your system?”

He pounces on you out of nowhere, crowding you against the wall, eyes incandescent with anger. It’s hours before any of the performers are supposed to be here, which makes it a perfect time for him to ambush you.

“Get what out of my system, Jay?” you gasp, trying to hide how much he’s scared you.

“Don’t be coy,” he hisses. “This little romantic excursion you decided to send yourself on.”

“I told you, I felt like I’d accomplished all I could in the job and so I decided to grab this new opportunity-”

“I know exactly what you did and not because you told me anything. I got your cute little note. Blocking me on social media and everything was an especially nice touch. After everything we’d been through, everything I’d done for you, you didn’t even have the guts to say any of that bullshit to my face.”

“Ok, I should have done that. I owed you that. I apologize and I hope it didn’t cause you any…”

You look into his eyes and just freeze. He’s so sickeningly beautiful and frightening at that moment that there’s nothing you can do, not appease him, not flatter him, not reject him. You were right when you said you needed to get away from him to get over him, you just didn’t expect that he’d refuse to give you the chance.

“Aren’t you cute with your little prepared business speech. ‘I’m so sorry, Jay, I hope you found another person to do my job because that’s all that was going on, just me being your secretary.’ How long have you been memorizing that for when you finally had to see me again?

“You’ve had your fun, your laughs at my expense, but it ends now.”

“How fucking dare you!” Now you’ve found your voice and your strength. “You think you get to order me around like I’m something you own? I don’t work for you anymore. My job is here now. My life is here now.”

Jay straightens up to his full height, regarding you with a smirk. “Your life? Is that what you’re calling him now?”

“I meant just… everything.”

“Aw, David must feel so happy thinking this is where it ends.”

“As far as you and I are concerned, it has ended.” You glare at him. “I love him.”

The soft laugh he gives you is utterly unnerving. “You love me. You’ve loved me for years. Nothing’s changed. You ran off here because you got it in your head that you could make yourself love him, because you wanted to get back at me for whatever it is you think I’ve done to you. And you couldn’t even be around me and convince yourself at the same time that you really want him.”

“You arrogant prick. What the hell do you know about what I want?”

He laughs a little and captures your face with one hand, pressing his lips close to your ear.

“I love how angry you get when you know I’m right. And I love having you trapped like this.”

“Trapped how? I’m going to walk away from you and it’s going to be like this never happened. I’m going to have fun imagining David wiping that condescending look off your face for a few weeks until I finally get to see him do it.”

“Do you seriously think anyone in New Japan is going to think twice about dumping him if I tell them that I won’t work with him?”

“Whatever. He’s doing fine here.”

“Oh yes, he’s doing so well in Impact, the company that’s riding a wave of popularity because they’re working with other, bigger companies. I’m sure they’d stand up for him against all of their partners. I’m sure he’s so much more important to them than being able to work with me or any other real stars.”

He chuckles a little, pressing his face against yours.

“That’s the funny thing about forbidden doors. When they close, they all close at once.”

“Oh, so you’re threatening to get him shut out of every wrestling company just because you’re annoyed he stole your assistant.”

“You sell yourself short. But if you want to put it that way, yes.”

“You don’t have the attention span. You’ll get distracted by someone else you think has wronged you by the end of the week.”

“If that’s how you want to approach this, go right ahead. If I were a betting man, I wouldn’t like your odds of being right but I already know you’re going to do what you want.”

He grips your head firmly and plants a hard kiss on your forehead before backing off and sauntering down the hall as if nothing’s happened.

You were right when you told David he should stay away from you. This is bad.

[hydrangeaho3]

I'm supposed to be your brother

summary: Wilbur gets mad at Tommy and somehow Phil's the one left to deal with the aftermath

a/n: this fic in no way represents the real people and is merely a work of fiction. If any CCs have a problem with it pls let me know. This is also part 1 of 3 parts. Anyways, happy reading!! 

PART ONE

By the time Wilbur has finally finished his last meeting, it's already 8:00 pm and he's dead tired. His meetings had been absolute bullshit today, some stupid managerial shit he doesn’t feel like taking care of. He’d been planning to go straight home, drink some wine and then pass out before he remembers that he's promised to stream today.

He’s only about a couple of blocks away from his office when the first raindrops hit his face. Wilbur looks up. The sky is slowly darkening and the clouds are beginning to gather. He keeps his pace, hoping that it won’t get too bad until he’s reached his office but his luck doesn’t hold out. He’s only a block away from his house when it really starts pissing it down.

“Shit”

He starts to run and is just pushing the lobby door open when he hears the first clap of thunder. The noise shudders through his entire body, chilling his bones even further. He sighs before making his way to his office in the sea of white doors that surround him. Wilbur pauses before the door. He already knows what's going to greet him inside. Now Wilbur isn’t a neat freak or anything like that, he is a streamer after all but he does pride himself on a certain level of cleanliness.

He cracks open his office door. A giant mess greets him. Papers are lying everywhere, his Home Home poster is lying on the floor. There are old takeout containers next to his keyboard. Frankly, it's a disgusting mess. He’d been meaning to clean up but lately, he's been so busy and not in the greatest headspace and so it had slipped his mind.

Wilbur resolves to clean up the mess after his stream today. He’d been planning on a casual stream, one that didn’t involve a lot of energy or require him to be constantly active and engaged. Maybe a few rounds of GeoGuessr or chatting with Phil and then ending the stream a little early.

He sits down in his chair, sweeps away some of the food containers before hovering over the GoLive button. He hesitates for a couple seconds before clicking on it. His starting soon screen opens up and he watches the viewers start to trickle in. He gives it ten minutes before turning on his face cam and looking over at his chat. The messages are slowly scrolling through the screen.  

Hi Wilbur!!

BIG MAN DUBS

POGCHAMP

Are you okay? You look tired :(

He’s streaming!!!

He decides to ignore that last one before commencing his starting spiel.

“Hey, guys, how we all doing today? Doing good? Well I’ll tell you how I’m doing and that's shit, I’m doing absolute shit. It’s fucking thundering outside right now. Can you hear it chat? It's so goddamn loud.”

“Anyways chat, I was thinking we could play some GeoGuessr you know, just relax and chill out today.” His chat seems pretty okay with that. They’re used to watching Wil play GeoGuessr for hours on end.

He’s been playing for almost an hour now before he hears the discord sound that signifies that someone’s joined his VC.

“BIG MAN. EYYYY WILBUR!!!! How are you???” Wilbur winces as Tommy’s voice plays through his earbuds. It's obnoxiously loud today, even more so than usual, and it’s grating on his ears.

“Hello TommyInnit, how are you?”

“I’ve been doing good Wilbur. Played some Among Us with Tubbo and Schlatt and the rest of the gang. Other than that I’ve been doing my Big Man Activities. You know how it is Wil” Wilbur smiles at the familiar response.

“Ah, I see. How was your Among Us stream?”

“It was really really good. I got to play with Pokimane Wil. THE Pokimane,” Tommy shouts, apparently very excited about this occurrence. “Remember the time we both played with her? Oh god, that must have been so awkward for you Wil. Imagine if Nikki had been there, it would have been so so awkward.”

Wilbur lets out a sigh, he’s really not in the mood to deal with this bit. He’d only planned to stream some GeoGuessr not talk to Tommy about Pokimane and Nikki.

If Wilbur had been blessed with the ability to see the future, he would have known that this moment was where it all started going downhill. Unfortunately for Wil, he wasn’t prophetic so he kept streaming.  

Tommy and Wilbur ended up switching to Minecraft and it doesn’t take long until Tommy’s coming up with some sort of bit involving drugs and an attempt to scam the players on the server. Normally, Wilbur would have loved to play along, leaning into the big brother and young brother dynamics but today it just feels wrong. Maybe it's the cold that has seeped into his bones or maybe it's the clutter surrounding his desk or maybe it's Tommy’s voice grating in his ears.

Tommy’s been talking about how he’s going to need some name tags so his plan works and Wilbur keeps trying to interrupt him and telling him that he’s not in the mood for this bit but it's to no avail.

“Wilbur, Wilbur, what do you think of my plan? I think it’s really good but I need some name tags, oh- I also need some diamonds.” he keeps going and going and is somehow unable to tell that Wilbur is teetering over the edge.

“Tommy, tomm-”

“Oh, they’re some diamonds back in Pogtopia. Oh man, this is such a good plan Wil. No ones going to see it coming,”

“I don’t thin-”

“There’s a fucking reason people call me the biggest man on this SMP. Right Wilbur, right?”

And that's when Wilbur falls over the edge he’s been so delicately balancing on for the better part of two hours. He mutes Tommy over discord before closing Minecraft, filling his stream with only his face cam.

“Alright guys, I think that's where we’re going to be ending today. Hope you guys enjoyed the stream and I am going to be sending you off to Philza. Make sure you guys are nice in his chat and don’t spam him. Okay? Bye chat,” Right before he ends his stream for good he spares one glance at his chat.

bye Wilbur!

adios chat :)

did wilbur seem mad at tommy?

Wilbur felt really off today. Hope he feels better soon.

they really are like brothers

tommy was being a little shit today

Somehow Wilbur manages to ignore all of the texts commenting on how much they loved his stream and how much they enjoyed the Wilbur and Tommy interactions and instead all he focuses on is the last message he managed to read before the stream ended.

tommy was being a little shit today

“Hey Wil, that was a great stream today, I had a lot of fun”

When the silence becomes too loud and Wilbur still hasn’t answered Tommy began talking all at once again.

“Wil you okay? You seemed kind of off this stream,” This time it was the cold that had seeped into his bones, it was the clutter surrounding his desk, and most of all it was Tommy’s voice. As loud as ever, abrasive and unceasing in his ears.

“TOMMY. Do you ever stop talking? God, it’s so fucking annoying. You need to learn when to shut up,” Wilbur’s panting like he’s just run a marathon instead of playing Minecraft for the past hour.

The silence begins to ring, neither of them saying a word in hopes the other will have the right words to make it okay again. Instead, there's a small pained sound from Tommy’s end and then “I’m sorry Wil, I’m really sorry. I just wanted to- nevermind. I’m just sorry, really sorry,”

There’s a small click that signifies that Tommy’s left the call and then it’s just Wil, stewing in the storm he’s just created.

Oh God, what has he done? He- he just told Tommy to shut up. He had just verified every single fear in Tommy’s head. He was supposed to be the one that was there for Tommy, not the one hurting him. How many times had Tommy come to him, crippled with self-doubt and and how many times had Wilbur dispelled his fears with promises that Tommy was enough. He was supposed to be his big brother.

[deepdonutkid]

🌹📕💔 (I'm going for the angst) 💯(I bet you did something cool)💄🥁❤️

I AM THE SPAM MONSTER

Thank you!

🌹 - are you a romantic?

In my mind, yes... in action... not really?

I crave a different kind of intimacy and that's not typical romantic, because I think that's mostly pointless shit. Like giving cut flowers... They die so soon and and a potted plant won't die, but that's of course less romantic.

Also... I don't like the typical idea of dating and stuff. That's so annoying. Honestly, fuck the roses and the pralines and the surprises... I don't need that.

I value somebody loyal, honest, funny and smart over some fuckboy with romantic bullshit.

Acts and services and compliments are far more attractive for me. And I do them also a lot. Like I shower a person with affection and I do everything for them. But mostly it's not even romantic. I start cleaning or doing the laundy, so the person doesn't have to.

My stories are a different thing tho, because that's just living in my mind and it's not actually based on efficency (because I love slooooow burn)

📕 - what’s your favorite book?

I got that question for several times now and my opinion on this still haven't changed! It's torture the artist by Joey Goebel, which is an amazing book about the modern view on art and music industry and how creative people tend to suffer in order to make great art.

💔 - have you ever broken a heart/had your heart broken?

I guess, I was heart broken twice and I broke four hearts at least. Maybe I forgot someone, but... hahaha, that's still not good stats for me right.

To be honest, my ex and me, we wrecked each other equally. She was in love with me, when I was still into somebody else, but he was still in a relationship. Which broke my heart for the first time and it took me super long to get over it.

But then I moved on and started dating my ex. She broke up with me after six month and it was pretty much out of the blue for me and I cried a lot and she told me to not cry.... like what the fuck did she thought, what would happen? I would be super happy about it.

Anyways, the boy, I was into before, was single again... a month after my break-up with my ex... So... what did I do? Well, of course, I didn't hesitate, because I longed to be with him for a very long time and I missed him and we had a connection. So... why wait?

My ex wasn't too happy, when she found out and accused me of not loving her, which was a shitty thing to say and it hurt like hell, because she had no right to talk about my feelings like that... and I did love her.

Yeah, both times, I got my heart broken and there is still another funny story about the time I broke somebody's heart.

To be honest, I'm quite a bitch in this story, but I was a different person back then.

Soo... when I was 15, there was this guy, I hung out in breaks and we had no classes together, but we were friends and he invited me to a town fair, because he was part of a club or something and then, we told hands there and we kissed like... once? I just remember his sweaty hands to be honest.

Months passed, we were chatting and everything, nothing special and we didn't got far or something... when he wrote me, he was with friends and he accidently made out with another girl. Funny, huh? How is that even possible? But he told me, it won't happen again and everything... and I was like: "dude, that's not a problem for me. just chill" and he was like: "why are you not mad at me? You are my girlfriend" and I said: "That's a new information for me. I didn't know, we were in some sort of relationship and you didn't ask me"

"Yeah, but... I love you"

And I was like: "Seen 19:45"

After that I got a lot of mean messages from his friends... but funny thing tho, one of them developed a crush on me. And apparently, I was a bad person in this story. But yooo... I was lost in translation here.

💯 - what’s something you are extremely proud of right now?

answering this long ask? Honey, really, I don't know, if I'm proud of anything this moment... because I don't do anything right now. No writing, no drawing, no cleaning and well, I played witcher the whole day, but that's not an archivement.

I'm looking forward to write something soon again, but right now I got nothing. Maybe I work on my multi.chap again, because it's not abanoned yet, I just wrote requests instead of a next chapter.

💄 - do you wear makeup?

Yes, but either all or nothing. I don't do natural looks or something. Either I look like a hobo with cholera or like a drag queen, nothing in the middle. I would even do so far and say... I'm good at doing make-up, but just my own. When I do other people it's kinda weird.

🥁 - do you play an instrument?

I used to play the flute and bongos... but that was when I was three years old and I forgot everything and since then I'm very untalented at playing anything of instrument. I can't even hold a rythm... it's just not in me. I love music and I love a musician, but I can't play for shitbricks XD

❤️ - do you have a crush right now

On a lot of fictional characters and my bf, which I love dearly for six years now and I remember the time I had a proper crush on him so well. I was acting like an idiot around him and everybody knew. I couldn't hide it!

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

athenas or the new ign videos... hmmm

im gonna go for the ign videos (moze gameplay and sanctuary-iii, no guns yet, i have a reason for that) because athenas hasn’t gotten its sweet instagram video yet. once that’s released i’ll do a full post on it. by the time i got around to finishing this post, they had released the video. oh boy... gonna do the gun post then the athenas post, i think. alright, off we go.

tl;dr: we read the entire end user agreement DAHL thrusts upon us for using the ECHO device, talk about some stuff like how (spoilers) it seems like Lilith will be getting her powers back at the end of the game, and a voice line Lily says that sounds like “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like Tannis said: [inaudible] Siren” (altho im not 100% sure on the [inaudible] part because 1) it sounds weird and 2) there’s a drum beat and also the devs are talking over her, the Siren part seems fairly accurate because of the way her mouth moves). so you know. im gonna be agonizing over that until i can hear what she says. ive already spent an hour just repeating it over and over. i nearly fell asleep lol

we’re gonna start with the moze gameplay (the first 14 minutes of bl3) because chronologically it’s first in both timeline and release date

i love the license plates on the right there

also it looks like they added in claptrap’s old welcome sign from windshear waste! time to stand in front of it for 30 minutes to see if any messages pop up like bl2

fast travel station as well, definitely going to see if/where i can teleport and going there immediately. i imagine this is more for DLC stuff and grinding tho.

also! i do believe we saw Covenant Pass previously. good to know this is actually where it is!

Marcus saying “And Welcome to Pandora!” in the beginning confirms that, yes, they’re going to be on a bus!! i wonder if there will be a fight scene before that though. it’s interesting Clappy mentions that “those jerks who tried to murder you are the children of the vault!” so i mean... there’s gotta be... right?

im also convinced this intro is going to be a mirror of Borderlands 1. i stg if it starts out with the first few notes of Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked and then swaps songs I’m going to lose my mind

also also, the order is totally going to mimic the bl1 one. Fl4k = Mordecai, Amara = Lilith, Moze = Roland, Zane = Brick. We even have Lilith taking Angel’s spot as the mysterious voice in our heads, and probably Marcus driving, AND being dropped off at a bus stop.

bet the reason they changed it from ‘Moze as the Bot Jock’ to ‘Moze as the Gunner’ is because it fits under ‘Roland as the Soldier’ better. Also, ‘Zane Flynt as Himselfs’ would be a play off ‘Brick as Himself’. Amara as the Siren is obvious, and ‘Mordecai as the Hunter’ vs ‘Fl4k as the Beastmaster’ is pretty similar as well, given Fl4k has all those Hunter skills.

the 4 basic emotes im guessing. im so glad we have the option to boop our friends in the face with emotes.

also moze’s little bunny skin is adorable

the ECHOnet used to be called “Riftspace”, “the Spline”, and... “MercTel: A Cyber-Dahl Joint” lmfao

specifically calls out Pandora. also, “artificial megastructures”??? THAT’S SO COOL

AND FUCKING

SENTIENT MEGASTRUCTURES???? 

gearbox. please. i have never ever wanted anything more in my life. please. it’s probably my birthday. PLEASE GEARBOX

also interesting that the user agreement specifically notes ‘Respawns’. I assume this is a joke because New-U stations have been confirmed not canon

“Core law”. Core law? Core... daddy? ... ????

core as in like a core government somewhere that’s not the border worlds? that’s interesting...

“The Legion”, okay, acknowledging TPS, that’s dope

“Project Blackrakk” ... im interested

“Thresher Company” lmao

im curious if Axton was apart of any of the mentioned ones. i don’t think it’s been stated, but i could be wrong

“Chieftain Oort”. also ‘Recently Legless Gary’, lmfao poor dude.

oh yeah im sure this is fine. also holy shit did they google the synonyms for ‘change’ and just start listing them? lmfao

“implicit subscription to the Digby Vermouth ‘Dig’s Gigs’ secret concert subscription service” 

sorry, what?

if this doesn’t come up again in the future- if we don’t get a spam letter or 3 in our mailbox about this concert subscription thing i'm gonna be so disappointed

Dahl hates you if you’re not a fan of hyper-jazz, “you snob” lmfao

my brain hurts, they’re good at writing these 

damn phones exist? i thought everything was ECHO. aight, that’s good to know. i guess there just aren’t any phone networks around the border worlds

also “shared dreamspaces” sound really cool

hm. that’s no good lmfao. also i love that the buttons are ‘Agree’ and ‘OK’. there is no escape, once you agree, you can’t even leave because you’re agreeing that you’re trapped with these rules even if you cancel.

that’s fucked up, DAHL. can’t believe you treat your user base the same way you treat your employees. i guess i shouldn’t be surprised.

anyway, shoutout to literally the only TOA I’ve ever fully read in my life.

also, clicking through this TOA too fast WILL end claptrap’s voice line early. so be careful if you want to hear what he has to say!!

oh shit lmao I gotta go edit that Fl4k post

ok im back ~time magic of being able to save things in drafts and post them at a later date~

sliding preserves momentum, so you can actually slide (nearly) the entire way down! i love this.

small, but claptrap bends his antennae when trying to be stealthy. i thought that was a pretty cool detail

“and some guns include an alternate shooting mode~! try it out!”

player: `immediately shoots claptrap in the face`

i died lol

a very nice look at this sign.

good to know that the twins really are tempting people to join with promises of food. i mean it makes sense, i imagine most of the cultists are desperate for stability and a reasonable life on pandora.

also, Shiv calls himself “holy influencer of the children of the vault” lol. i love that. gearbox really is going for the internet’s throat, isn’t it?

i do like that hovering over an NPC will give you their name only and not name/healthbar.

a better look at one of the signs referencing the Mother!!! i was waiting for this, the only real look we got at one was in that one scene with Moze and IB

“Behold the Mother strength surrender to the truth” 

yeah that’s not ominous...

i assume the mother and father are intended to be tyreen and troy? but idk how i feel about that implication...

i like the new little gear/spring effect for the magnet lol

new lilith! i know a lot of people don’t like it, but i do. she looks better than the bl2 vers. altho i think it’s weird they swapped both bl1 and bl2′s ‘AI’ effect to those dots and then didn’t bring it to BL3. the dots effect felt cleaner. curious why they’re not applying it to bl3 when they went thru all that effort in 1 and 2.

... back up please.

i like that there is a changing icon for long pressing now

“time to check out our slay of the day!” sounds like Tyreen but tbh i legit thought this was moze’s reaction to opening the chest at first lol 

you can hear someone start screaming in agony while she’s walking up the stairs, so i know it’s not moze, but im so used to the VHs talking when they see a new piece of loot my brain just assumed.

also THE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND IS A REMIX OF BANDIT SLAUGHTER!!! IM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS I WAS FREAKING OUT THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

also, claptrap when dropping health yells “this could save your life! then, you’ll owe me a life debt!” bullshit im pretty sure you already decided we owed you a life debt the moment we stepped off that bus

“i see it... the great vault” - a line from a cultist you kill

i know i mentioned in this post that the Great Vault may be already opened, but it could also just be a Vault they’re planning on opening and using the propaganda to convince the cultists to help them find it. 

“if you help us get this vault open, you’ll be handsomely rewarded! you’ll get superpowers! you’ll get regular meals! you’ll get money and guns and dates!” you know, the usual stuff. 

either way, elevating the Vault to a higher state (god/heaven/whatever) makes sense if you’re running a cult.

btw there is a hidden chest in the scaffolding to the left of the door, if you’re interested in grabbing some better guns before shiv. personally, i’ll be using the toy guns.

also the TVs are actually playing propaganda now!!

this one is asking questions that i cant understand due to the sound effects of the chest and claptrap talking, but it says something about “... the dust? ... join the Children of the Vault!”

“hey shiiiiiv all your dumb friends are dead!!”

shiv be like

“all my friends are dead”

some cool level-up art! I notice these are the same pictures as used on the japanese site. i wonder if they change depending on which VH you’ve picked (If you’re playing Amara/Fl4k, do you get pics of Amara and Fl4k? the player is playing moze, afterall).

also also “it’s a KIA on the knife wielding maniac. suuuper dead.” 

it’s cool that the VHs have specific lines for the deaths of bosses. i hope that continues and it’s not just a ‘15 min of intro gameplay’ thing. you know, where everything is super detailed in the beginning and then slowly gets less and less as the game progresses? anyway, moze’s little chuckle is fuckin adorable lol

ah. the door closes now so you can’t even explore Shiv’s room before Lilith shows up. gearbox plS you know me too well, i was looking for a g l i m p s e

claptrap’s voice line for getting released is SUPER off time, he hits the ground before going “you did it! i’m sa-ahhhhhhhh!” it’s weird, wondering if that’s just a glitch.

also also we get a nice listen to the revive ally sound. i could’ve sworn it wasn’t in the first look at this mission we got, because i heard it for the first time during the coop Zane/Amara gameplay on Promethea. i might be wrong, tho.

im very curious what these symbols are claptrap is beaming up

i mean you know what im gonna say

they look eridian

and they do

so wtf clappy why u beaming up eridian letters to Lilith

i assume maybe Tannis gave clappy some weird upgrade or something so he could communicate with the crimson raiders without the CoV listening in? it could be that Tannis or someone is decoding this message since Tannis does know how to translate Eridian (as shown in her bl1 ECHOs)

... or at the very least she gave Lilith a translator

the darkening makes it so that you can see the crackening. also this COULD just be a beam that lilith can see from wherever she is, but i want to believe there’s more eridian stuff. bc eridian stuff is fun.

this is so fu cking crisp im dying i love it

lilith’s tattoos spreading down her fingers

same symbol as her chest tattoo. maybe the symbol denotes new powers? like how lily has one on her chest for phasewalking, and a new one on her hand for teleportation

i love how her wings look like actual fire. i fucking love this

lilith is looking so fucking good in the new engine

im glad they got rid of her super red eyes, tbh it looked a bit weird

i think they are really pushing her fire affinity, im sure we’ll see Maya has an elemental affinity as well (im calling corrosive) and im sure Tyreen will too (slag). Amara looks to be Shock because that’s her ‘default’, but who knows until (if) bl4 comes out. but corrosive wings on maya would look SOOO fucking cool. please. please please please.

god she looks so good compared to bl2. i love how the tattoos softly glow in the dark, too. i gotta play this mission late in the day...

“you’re... the voice in my head, right?” i love this so much, i really hope my shitpost comes true.

lilith gives you a grenade mod for completing her mission! im really glad they are PUSHING through the tutorial/intro so you can get right into the game. bl2′s ‘intro’ of all these tutorials was brutal. especially waiting to unlock your action skill.

in 3 you get your action skill automatically at level 2!!! which is insane, i love it! they’re jumping right into it, it’s great. and they seem to be pushing for you to get all the stuff you need right away. 

it’s curious to note that in bl3 we get our class mods at the end of the Promethea demo (after Gigamind), since in bl2 you get your first (usually?) after the hunting the firehawk mission and both seem to take place immediately after we get to the ‘base of operations’ of the game (Sanctuary vs Sanctuary-III).

yep that quest is 100% in line with the quest marker. 

i imagine From the Ground Up may be discovering where the Vault Map/Key actually is? maybe bringing people to the Recruitment Center (notably Tannis)

for this scene. i hope this takes place after the HBC, because i seriously... can’t imagine the twins showing up, taking the Vault Map, bringing it to the HBC, and then NOT taking Lilith’s powers/trying to kill Lily and accidentally taking her powers. it just doesn’t make sense, Vault Hunters be damned, we are level 2 they could melt us easy peasy. 

If anything, it feels like we COULD find the Vault Map in the Recruitment Center, Tannis tries to activate it/fix it, we find out it’s mega broke, and then the Sun Smashers show up and take it. but i seriously can’t imagine Lilith nor the new VHs allowing that to happen while they’re still there. maybe if Tannis sends us to do something while Lilith is gathering other CR members? then it could make sense if they attack while Tannis is alone with the Key...

OR

we end up finding something in Shiv’s room that shows/helps us realize the Sun Smashers bringing the Vault Map to the Calypsos. tho this would mean the quest From the Ground Up is SUPER short and I imagine it’s not. Maybe we raid a camp of theirs like the one in front of Sanc-III with the bridge/ramp? We need to be about level 6 before we go and we start From the Ground Up at 2 so there’s obviously something DEEP we’re missing here. maybe this is a mission where we go gather the other Crimson Raiders? HMMMMMMMM...

.... oh.

nevermind lmfao

she opens her ECHO immediately after this LOL i feel kinda dumb now

raiding their camp it is! the Droughts sounds like a fun location. Very much like the dust. you guys think there’s a Shade situation going on there? i’m excited to see it. Still think we’re going to use Shiv’s room to get that lead, though. i just really wanna watch tv lmfao. i hope this means the bandits run from the camp to the HBC, or we find info that the bandit warchief sent a party to the HBC with the Vault Map. either way, i just don’t want the twins showing up until after the HBC or i will have so many questions. “why didn’t you kill lilith?” being the first. “the god queen wants her head!” ur goddamn right she does, so why doesn’t she (try to) kill lilith???

85% already?! hot damn

also

that’s one badass description there, Moze

also also

while having gun slots locked is pretty normal, im surprised they’re locking class mods and relics, too! i wonder when we’ll be able to equip relics. maybe when we first go to eden-6 or smth. or maybe after we meet up with Rhys. shit maybe he’s just handing us an artifact (im gonna interchange these a lot, sorry!) in that Promethea video lmfao

“ready to chuck some boom and frag some maniacs” lol moze i love you

if you’re playing Zane... `equips grenade mod for checkmark` `immediately equips second action skill and never actually uses grenade mod`

“it’s the firehawk! the god queen wants her head!” 

like i alluded to before, i would not be surprised if Tyreen doesn’t know she can absorb Siren powers... when she goes to succ lilith in front of Sanctuary-III, it’s totally possible she actually was trying to kill her. That could explain why she looks so intrigued at her hand like “oh shit okay lets see what this can do”

might be why she was okay with sending her cultists after her instead of showing up herself.

“alright, we got a foothold. maybe things are turning our way. come on killer, you’re with me” we are going to explore the SHIT out of shiv’s room.

alright alright alright

let’s move on to the Sanctuary-III stuff

yessss

i love the quest objective thing, it looks like we will be able to swap through our quests with the push of a button! also im curious why exactly we’re going to promethea right away. i wonder if the twins say something about moving there after getting the vault map/lilith’s powers, or if we hear from rhys. im expecting something about the vault map, since our vh will admit they don’t know rhys at all when talking to lorelei. but for some reason we need to be within the city limits? since lily says ellie got us within the city limits. 

hmmmmmm. okay, okay, maybe the map was trying to lead us to promethea for vault reasons during that short amount of time that we had it and it was working. maybe promethea is what we see when tannis is activating the key during that one cutscene? ohhh shit how dope would it be if we got that fucking easter egg message? omg “Children of the Vault. Come to Promethea. We are not on Pandora anymore. Tannis is not what she seems. Do not open the Vaults.” and everyone is like ‘uh did that thing just mention Tannis by name??’ and now it’s REALLY important to get the map back just so we can figure out wtf it’s trying to tell us. 

i will question how ‘Tannis is not what she seems’ would affect character relationships, especially if it’s said so early in the game. so perhaps we only hear the first part of the message. maybe it’s corrupted because it was recently broken. iunno. just playing around with ideas. the canon of this game is like flarp putty until sept. 13th

anyway moving on because this is literally the first f r a m e of the video

i like that you can see pandora’s eridian scar. if the destroyer is speaking through eridium to people, it’s gonna bust outta the side of this planet like you wouldn’t fucking believe lmao. eridium is a window to the soul and if you stare long enough into its glossy, shining sides, the destroyer stares back

that or it’s just like a beacon, slowly spreading its influence across the universe. but i like the idea that the destroyer can waltz out of a big enough hunk of eridium. so it will bust out of pandora’s eridium scar. F in chat for pandora but also lmfao the amount of tentacles and rage would be unparalleled.

reality is that the twins are probably farming this scar for eridium to turn into slag for multiple purposes. like brainwashing their cultists, giving them powers, and ensuring their guns have their manufacturer’s quirk (im getting to this in my next post bc im just gonna compile all the ign gun videos into one big post)

the floor art is different from the actual sanc-iii demo. i mention this first in my behind closed doors panel analysis, but im gonna mention it again because this is ~official~. the floor list on the first walkthru of sanc-iii we got had the names of all the crimson raiders and lines leading to their shops. so we had the infirmary/tannis, marcus, moxxi, etc listed on the floor. i imagine this new sanc-iii will change as we get more people on board or if we do a sort of re-decoration of the ship.

also also, it’s cool to see that we have 4 rooms on the minimap, likely one for each of the VHs (and your coop buddies). ive seen speculation that the other, non-played VHs will hang out in their rooms when you’re not playing them, and tbh i really hope this is the case.

we also know this version of sanctuary-iii is after pandora, so there are no promethea citizens aboard yet. which makes me double certain the first sanc-iii video we got takes place either after endgame (explaining why Lily has her tattoos back) or right after Athenas (explaining why Maya is there). which... i mean... spoilers, guys. 

that’s one good lookin fast travel station, holy shit

im in tears over here because “Caution: no steppy”. this is so fucking funny to me

no steppy on me

okay moving on because i will cry laugh over this for forever im allowed

moze’s room is so much different than amara’s

also i notice she’s on the left of the two on the top, which makes me hope the other 4 are reserved for the other VHs (or your coop buddy).

compared to the official sanc-iii demo video

and amara’s room

moze’s is so barren oh my god

someone get this girl like... a colorful throw pillow or something

baaank. also doubles as the secret stash. kinda upsetting, because that is infinitely less loot i can store when i make a lot of characters. also if i upgrade the bank once, is it upgraded across all my other characters too? or are the guns i put in storage slot 11 locked up until i buy the upgrade?

either way, i am saddened because no more mule characters. and way less space the more characters you make and more gear you find, because all gear you put in here is there across all characters. i hope this means our backpacks will be a lot bigger this time around!

supamax mfg shows up again

ppm/04-02 matches up with the number behind the fast travel station. i wonder if this will come into play. if the number changes later in-game im going to freak the fuck out bc that means wherever we are isn’t actually sanctuary-iii

ppm/04-02. remember that 👀

also, the wall behind the golden chest changed from red to steel/greenish. can’t tell the actual color. same as the floor

you know. that color.

“golden keys are popular. you can get some in-game and also get them online”

in-game you say??? im interested! i wonder if there will be some sort of arena (like moxxi’s) where if you complete it you get a key as a reward. i saw people speculating about some sort of randomized boss rush, that could definitely be a way to get gold keys, as well.

oooo engine room! im excited to explore here.

original size is 16. so, we have 40 backpack slots! still... you know... only 1 above the max of bl2, but hey. at least that’s an upgrade. as small as it may be

on the bright side: bank upgrades increase capacity by 5. with a base of 10, and 8 upgrades, we have 50 slots to fill. which is a big leap from the original 24. it is still a shame we have to share these across characters, tho

offline cultist stream? makes me think the CoV really was trying to steal/take over sanc-iii from the crimson raiders and we went to go take it (back?) in Taking Flight. either the CoV found/ordered Sanc-III, or the crimson raiders were building it/fixing it up, their stronghold got taken over, and the CoV were prepping it for takeover.

the shooting range. and if you notice that little CoV symbol in the bottom left there? yeah pretty much backs up my previous theory

all those red bits are tied to ellie’s crew challenge. so we’ll be collecting things for her!

an altar for scooter 😢

“we’re gonna get those cultism sumbitches, believe you me”

where you get yeeted out of Sanc-III. im definitely going to try jumping in it to see if it kills me. doesn’t look like the drop pods are available yet

that’s not clappy, pretty sure he’s hanging out on the bridge right now

schematics for veronica

the thing i was most excited about in this video!

loooots of customizations! which excites me because i know eridium used to get useless late game when you’ve grinded all the raid bosses. it looks like eridum is going to be in ultra high demand. but u can bet ur ass im gonna be unlocking all those fucking customizations asap.

veteran rewards is also super super interesting

hgggggg i wanna know what the shields do!!! 

i like the vault symbol at the top of the item card as well, shows you its a special type of weapon/item. im honestly surprised we’re able to buy ‘veteran rewards’ so early in the game? i mean obvi we won’t have enough eridium (look at the costs!) but it’s wild it’s even accessible. im personally a fan of the first bonus ‘anointed: gain life steal on action skill end’

looks like these guns have been chosen

to give them those special bonuses

i do see that just anointed is not class specific, but the ones that say anointed gunner or maybe anointed siren will be (confirmed by the devs in video).

you pay with eridium, so maybe the vending machine has some way to confer the power of eridium to the guns. or some shit. iunno. it’s possible this won’t be available until the end of the game, hence veteran rewards, and is only being shown to us right now since this is a showcasing video.

pandoran civilian. no promethea civilians today folks! i am CONVINCED that the old sanc-iii demo takes place after the end of the game. at least after athenas.

it’s weird seeing moxxi hanging outside her bar.

is also cool to know that the 4 slot machines are actually available. seems like npcs can play them, but we can use all 4 if we want to. which is really nice

the one on the far left is called the ‘loot boxxer’ and it gives mostly guns lol. i see they are taking jabs. good for them

better pic of the leftmost machines

Zer0 seems to have a bounty board? not sure if this is like a physical bounty board or if they will contact you when they want something dead, but it is cool to note. this isn’t shown in video, just the devs speaking about it.

similarly hammerlock has ‘big game hunts’ where you find “rare, challenging creatures” and kill them for him

apparently we’ll be killing something known as a manvark

this book

i fucking recognize this book

HAMMERLOCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

in all seriousness tho

hammerlock probably isn’t in his room because we haven’t rescued him from eden-6 yet.

a cool thing about the crew challenges: as you progress through the game and do these challenges, sanc-iii will ‘grow and change to reflect the things you’ve accomplished’. altho another dev says “sometimes these are optional things, like challenges” 

so now im like oh shit we’re gonna change sanc-iii as we play the game. i wonder if that means we’ll be changing the hull, too. because you know. the blue paint job. we gotta go STEALTH. sneaky beaky into the calypsos fleety

tannis doesn’t have the saurian on her table. also, interesting note, she DOES have the eridian log in the corner. meaning she must have had that before eden-6. interesting... maybe we’ll find more on Pandora.

she is still covered in blood tho. idk i don’t have an explanation for that. don’t think i want to think of one, to be quite honest.

oh no. (those are skulls next to all the gurneys)

“tannis plays a much bigger role in bl3 than she has in past games”. bigger than borderlands 1? that is... impressive. she’ll be running the health vending machines (which is weird bc i could’ve sworn in the promethea demo, zed was still running them... hm.)

another angle of sanc-iii

clappy? you good there?

the devs said they’re using him to plug a hole. i assume the calypsos shot at the ship as we’re leaving or smth.

lily with no tattoos, who also looks significantly more pissed than her other sanc-iii demo counterpart

you know. because she got her tattoos.

also

fucking

lilith says something right here. all i can make out is “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like tannis said. ..... [inaudible] Siren.” maybe some weird word i haven’t heard before? i swear she’s saying ‘like tannis said: a ‘m...’ Siren” but i am not 100% sure. if someone could help me out, that’d be rad.

so its sounding like lilith rushed in with explicit warning from tannis about tyreen stealing her powers, and tannis knew tyreen was some sort of Siren and warned lily, but lily didn’t listen. it could also be that lily is saying something like “im not a siren” but i can’t really hear it if she is. it sounds like she saying a word that starts with m to me. if someone could help me with this i’d owe you my life

whew. i am. fucking TIRED.

im gonna sleep for like 3 hours and then wake up and make food before the fl4k streams start.

[gentlemanmendes]

Eastside | 03 |

Previous parts can be found in my masterlist under Eastside

Bexley was surprised to see shawn standing behind her and pushed herself off of the ground and around to face him. She wondered if he came here every night because he couldn't bring himself to move on with his life, he probably thought his teen years were the best he could have and didn't want to face reality but for some reason deep down she knew that wasn't true. Shawn knew that there was more to life than just working for your future, he had shown Bexley adventures she cold never have dreamed up on her own or experienced if it wasn't for him. He was always spontaneous and never took anything too seriously , he wouldn't be the type to dwell on the past if anything he moved on too quickly if her memory served her justice.

"People change, memories don't." She stated coldly. Although she had no hard feelings towards shawn because she had moved on she couldn't help but remind herself that things ended between them for a reason. She was thankfully for the memories that she hadn't given a second thought to until now but that didn't change the last and most vivid memory she had of shawn.

"Are you saying you've been thinking about me." He smirked cockily as he stumbled forward his hands lazily shoved into his pockets. He hadn't changed a bit.

"Trust me Mendes you're the last person I would ever have given a second thought to." She surprised herself by the fact that it was true. She hadn't thought of shawn until tonight. There were those achingly painful weeks she had gone through after their break up but slowly it got better until shawn had become a ghost of her past. She couldn't even remember his facial features exactly and as she now stared at him she wondered if he had always looked this way or if the years that had passed had given him a rugged edge.

"How are you?" He asked taking her aback. She narrowed her eyes as she looked him up and down skeptically trying to figure out what angle he was playing at.

"What do you want shawn?" She finally sighed when she couldn't seem to figure out just what she had been thinking.

"What? Can't I care about how you've been?" He wonders innocently grinning at Bexley causing her to let out an irritated  huff as she rolled her eyes at his act.

"You and I both know you don't care about anyone but yourself."

"But you're not just anyone."

Bexley wished she knew back then what she now knows because she wouldn't have fallen for his smooth banter as easily as she had. Now she understood that it was all bullshit and lies. Anything to keep people thinking he was this cool careless guy.

With every second she spent with Shawn she couldn't help but feel the heat of her hatred towards him grow and grow. It was fuelled by the betrayal of two years of love and passion ending in such a way that it did. She now realised that she had never really been given the chance to fully get over her breakup with shawn. She had been rushed to university not long after it happened and drowned herself in studying before moving on with her life never being granted with the closure she may have needed. She hadn't ever needed to get over shawn because he had never come up in her life until now.

"Bex come on it was five years ago! Can't we just put the past behind us?"

"If we put the past behind us then wouldn't that make us strangers." She replied strategically, always the logical over thinker who processed everything in her perfect little brain until she understood every answer, every outcome, and every meaning.

"We practically are strangers, the Bexley I remember wasn't so." Shawn paused as his face contoured as he tried to find the right word to describe her without offending her enough to walk away. "Up tight and proper."

"I'm not uptight and proper!" She defended hopelessly knowing that she was lying to herself. She knew just how much the past five years had changed her and she hated herself for allowing it to happen. She had vowed to never become the person she was today, yet all the promises she made in those years seemed to be broken lost words.

"How many times have you been here since we were young?" Shawn wandered changing the subject completely. At Bexley's paused silence shawn seemed to know the answer. "Neither have I." He informed her. "Don't tell me that it's some crazy coincidence that we both show up here on the exact same night."

"Don't tell me you think this is fate or some rubbish thing?" She chuckled bitterly shaking her head in dismissal at Shawn's words.

"The Bexley I knew believed in fate." Shawn taunted as if rubbing it in her face just how much she had changed over the years.

"The Bexley you knew died the day you decided to break her heart."

"You just had to get that in didn't you? Does it feel better now?"

"No it doesn't actually." She huffed angrily stepping forward and giving shawn a shove in the chest causing him to stumble back slightly almost loosing his footing but quickly regaining himself. Again she gave him another shove but he didn't stumble like before having expected it, and again another shove. She went to give him one more but this time he caught her hands and stopped her from shoving him causing her to stumble forward slightly into him but quickly fixing herself up.

"Does it feel better now?" He questioned with a smile that only seemed to stay glued to his lips. He knew he would get a rise out of her hi how only frustrated her more.

"No! Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!" She yelled. It wasn't so much at shawn it was the fact that the heavy feeling had settled back in weighing her down only now because she had been privileged with that small glimpse of freedom it felt worse. It was as if it had all been a taunt from her subconscious, reminding her that she wasn't sixteen and she would never feel as free as she had in those days. It was Shawn's fault! They had made a promise, a promise of forever, they could have had that if he hadn't broken it. But if shawn hadn't broken that promise she wouldn't have gone to university or met Ben, and as intolerable as she found her parents sometimes she wouldn't have them either. It would have been a choice of Shawn or the rest of her life and although she had chosen shawn it seemed that fate had decided to choose the better option for her.

"I know what will make you feel better, come on." He held out his hand for her to take but instead Bexley looked at it in disgust as if it were some disease infested thing.

"I'm not going anywhere with you." She declared firmly standing her ground the same way she always did, she had always been a stubborn girl and didn't care what people thought of her for it. It was her life, she would have things how she wanted them or not at all, it was that simple.

"Fine, I'll go by myself." Shawn rolled his eyes, he was still as impatient  as he had been as a teen.

Although it had tended to frustrate Bexley most days she had secretly liked Shawn's lack of patients because she knew she was intolerable at times yet the moment she saw him ready to walk away she chased after him like she was scared that she would loose him, who knew how short his attention spam was when it came to girls, but as soon as she chased him he would give into her. It was as if they loved having the stereotypical roles reversed, it was always the girls who ran away and the guy who chased after them in the stories that Bexley had been told as a child. But not hers and Shawn's. It wasn't some stereotype love that everyone would predict, it was different to her, something new and unexplored.

"No, wait." She called out hopelessly not wanting to be left alone in the Eastside. These were the streets she had fallen in love with Shawn in, their story was written in the bricks of the walls and the rooftops that surrounded them, she was standing in the very spot that they had met in. Maybe the girl she had become didn't believe in fate but the girl she used to be did and that girl had clawed her way through after five years of being buried deep within Bexley and was finally taking control again.    

Shawn stopped instantly and looked over his shoulder expectantly as if waiting for her but she couldn't bring herself to move. It didn't feel right. She wanted to break down then and there not caring if shawn saw her at her weakest point. She wasn't sure what to feel seeing him after all these years. She looked down at her left hand with its missing diamond ring, guilt consumed her; was she being unloyal to Ben? She had told herself that anything you wouldn't tell your partner you are doing is wrong but she couldn't bring herself to stop as she hurried after shawn, for the first time in years acting before thinking. She was positive that it was likely to end as badly as it did the first time but as she followed Shawn's lead through the streets that were as familiar yet so foreign like the veins that ran through her body, she knew they were there but didn't know where they were or where they led.

She jolted to a stop, it felt like her whole body had come to a complete stop because in that moment she couldn't even breath. She looked at the graffitied bus stop in awe and knew immediately where shawn was taking her.

"Are we going to stand here and wait for the bus or sit?" Shawn wondered sarcastically causing Bexley to elbow him before moving towards the bench leaning into it the way one would comfortably lean into their bed after a long day. This time yesterday she would have made a disgusted gesture if someone suggested she take a seat on a bus bench but right now it was different, she was home.

***

'I found you a guy who is worth your time, he wants to meet you at the same place he met you yesterday' the text message had said when she had woken.

'Two days in a row, he's a little eager.' She had replied the smile from last night still having not worn off as she ate her breakfast across her mum who was quizzing her on why she was so happy, she hadn't smiled since her parents separation and she was told she had to move.

'He's the type of guy that sees something he likes and takes it'

'What if this girl isn't for the taking'

Now she stood in the place she had met shawn wondering if this was one of his sick jokes. Today at school she had heard many stories about shawn from her friends that she had lost count and although she had been feeling like she was on a buzz all day she couldn't help but have her doubts. Guys didn't just change overnight and Shawn's approach on her wasn't exactly the smoothest.

"I didn't think you would show up." She heard someone say from behind her causing relief to flood through her, she wasn't sure if she could handle being stood up by someone with such a big ego, but confusion quickly took place. He was late because he was scared she wouldn't show up?

"Same could be said to you." Although she was relieved she was still furious, mad at shawn for making her doubt him and believe everything her friends had warned her about.

"I figured you would have heard the rumours by now." He shrugged and for a moment he seemed embarrassed, not the cocky boy who was proud of the reputation that seemed to follow him everywhere he went. Bexley hated herself for believing them as she watched shawn with his head hanging low as he focused on his beat up sneakers that kicked at the ground trying to distract himself from the conversation.

"And?" She confirmed that she had heard them but she didn't care, she would make up her own perception of Shawn. There were two sides to every story and something told her that Shawn's version wasn't the favoured side.

"And they're true." When he looked up at her his eyes held shame and guilt, as if he was sorry that she was still wasting time with him.

"I know." She smiled. As much as she had wanted to doubt them she knew that at least some of them had to be ghosts of the truth, others seemed extravagant for a sixteen year old but she imagined that the base was true. "And I'm still standing here, aren't I?" She gave a coy smile. Shawn grinned broadly at her, his cocky self coming back and Bexley was glad, she wasn't sure if she could handle the knew and emotional side of shawn.

"Well then let's go." He took her hand and dragged her away though she knew that shawn didn't need to drag her, she was completely infatuated with the boy and would follow wherever he went if it meant being with him.

"A bus stop?" Bexley breathed out disappointedly when they came to a stop. She had expected to be blown away, maybe shawn had some secret spaceship no one knew about, but public transport was not what she had in mind. It was bad enough she had to sit on the train for thirty minutes to get here and thirty minutes to go back home but now she was going to spend her time in the Eastside on a bus.

"Just trust me." Shawn told her dismissively as he took a seat. Weighing out her options Bexley decided that shawn didn't seem like the boring type and had something planned, even if it meant catching a bis, and spread herself out on the bus bench so she was lying down with her head placed on Shawn's lap like a pillow. She was thankful that she had remembered to wear a pair of bike shorts underneath her oversized tee shirt that she was attempting to pull off as a dress as she lay down, anyone who walked by would easily be able to see up it.

"I'm going to be honest, you don't look good from this angle" she laughed honestly causing shawn to grin. Never had a girl said something so forward like that to him, especially if it was something as mean as that.

"I look good from every angle, or so I've been told." He winked down at her causing her to let out a loud laugh before rolling her eyes.

"See that's why I'm insulting you! Your ego has been fed too much, look at the monster that has been created." She teased before she broke out into a fit of laughter at the unimpressed look shawn gave her. As he stared down at her laughing shawn couldn't help but smile.  

"Do you ever not have anything to say back?" Shawn wondered though he already knew the answer.

"Nope." She shook her head a proud grin playing on her face, and he was glad for it. She was this incredibly enticing person who never seemed dull or boring, the world needed more people like Bexley but then her personality wouldn't be a unique.

"So are you going to tell me where you plan to kidnap me to?" She wandered bouncing her leg up and down causing the bench to shake along with it but shawn didn't say anything or tell her to stop, somehow he knew that it would make her only do it more if he did.

"Yes because that's what kidnappers do, they tell their victim every detail of their evil plan." Shawn snorted sarcastically causing Bexley to let out another laugh. He smiled at the sound, her laugh was loud and obnoxious yet so captivating and beautiful; like the purple she had painted her lips today. Somehow he couldn't see her fitting in at the private school she went to with their long boring school uniform and strict dress code. She expressed herself in the way she dressed and if she had it her way she would dress like this every day but her mother would completely freak out if she saw her daughter right now. But that was the beauty of the Eastside, everyone could be who they wanted to be with no limitations. It was how the world should but never would be.

It was said that if teenagers were free to rule the world how they wanted it would be chaotic and unorganised but that was what the Eastside was and it didn't seem to have the problems the real world held.

When a bus pulled up with the number '37' shawn gestured for Bexley to get up before following in suite. With his hands on the small of Bexley's back he gestured for her to get on the bus as it stopped. The bus driver greeted him by his first name and shawn did the same.

"Don't we have to pay? We don't have tickets." Bexley leaned into shawn as she whispered but he shook his head with a small smile as he led her all the way to the back of the bus a broken light flickering reminding Bexley of a horror movie and gestured for her to sit in the window seat.

"This bus travels through the Eastside and only the Eastside. This bus goes down all the main streets. I figured it would be the best way for you to see everything." Shawn explained as the bus began moving through the streets. There were rarely any cars in the Eastside, the only people old enough  to driver were seniors and majority of the time was spent in the alley ways that were too small and crowded for cars. Some cars were used as stereos for music and others as hang outs but the Eastside wasn't for sitting in cars, it was a place of freedom and that could only be given to you out in the streets.

Bexley reminded herself of the bus driver and how well shawn seemed to know him considering they were on first name basis and not strangers. She moved her eyes from the world outside the window to the boy who's arms she was leaning in and questioned him.

"How often do you come on here?"

"A lot." He admitted not looking down at her and instead focusing on the streets they passed through.

"And how many other girls have you brought here?"

"Having sex on a bus isn't exactly all that great, or legal for that matter." Shawn stated causing Bexley to laugh loudly at how abrupt his statement was. In other words she was the first but he didn't want to make it sound as cliche as it was.

"Bummer, no sex!" She sighed. "I might as well get off at the next stop if you don't plan to get that far with me." Shawn gave her a grateful smile at the fact that she didn't make a big deal about the fact that he had brought her somewhere special, in other words she was different.

***

Bexley hated to admit it and most certainly wouldn't do it aloud but she had needed this. She had sprawled herself out on one side of the backseat while shawn was seated on the seat in front of her staring out the window in a fixed trance. She pushed herself up as she studied his gaze. He seemed like he was stressing about a lot and she couldn't help but wonder what, the shawn she knew didn't care about anything. It's not that he was a heartless person it was the fact that he didn't see the point in working yourself up over things that you couldn't control, 'what's the point it's not going to make a difference' he would say. But right now he seemed almost helpless and lost.

She folded her arms on the back of the seat that separated her and shawn and leaned her chin on her arms as she looked at him waiting for his attention to fall on her. Eventually it did and she spoke up as if it was casual and she hadn't really been wondering since she saw him earlier that night.

"How have you been?" She wanted to know what he now did with his life, if he still lived with his parents, if he had a girlfriend, if he had still traveled the world like they had planned. But instead she got a one worded answer that she knew wast the truth.

"Good, you?"

"I'm good." She hummed in irritation that her hopeless attempt at starting a conversation hadn't worked. Leaning back in her seat she was surprised when she heard shawn ask her 'what do you do?'

[oakpodcast]

Transmission 9 Transcript

HOLLY: If you're a new listener, make sure to start at the very beginning.

MUSIC: HOLLY'S THEME: "SOLITUDE" BY MUCIOJAD

INT. HOLLY'S MINIVAN

SOUND: OUTSIDE TRAFFIC, RAIN ON THE VAN, WINDSHIELD WIPERS

HOLLY: (A bit coolly). Hi. Happy Thanksgiving, wherever you are. (Sighs)

SOUND: A BABY COOS

HOLLY: Right, so... it's been a while. (Defensively) But I've been busy and tired and stressed and moving around a lot and doing laundry every three days!

SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT

HOLLY: So, as you may have guessed, I have a baby now. A, a three-month-old.

HOLLY: I would have sent you a birth announcement, but... (angry pause.) Anyway, she was 5 pounds, 12 ounces. Seventeen and a half inches long, or so Cami tells me.

HOLLY: And yes, that is definitely on the small side. (Sighs) She was early but not premature—if she'd been really early, I would have gone to the hospital... (fumbling for words—maybe she should have gone to the hospital anyway?)

HOLLY: Anyway. She's bigger than that now, and she's doing pretty well, all things considered. The doctors say she's... okay.

HOLLY:

Health issues aside, I'm still not sure how much gender bullshit to force on her? I mean, how do we know for sure?

SOUND: BABY FUSSES

HOLLY: But for now, everyone wants to call Ivy "her" and give her pink things, and...

SOUND: FUSSING INTENSIFIES; LEIA MEOWS

HOLLY: Honestly, she's three months old! She, she doesn't care! We're going to go with the statistically most likely option and worry about it when the time comes.

HOLLY: (Doubting herself) That, that's fine, right? (Muttering) I don't know...

HOLLY: Ivy, or Margalit, or whatever name fits you best— if you're listening to this ten years in the future, I just want you to know: I don't care what your gender is, or if you even have one, and I never have. All I care about is that you root for the Senators.

SOUND: IVY FUSSES MORE

HOLLY: Thank you so much Lisa and all my new $1 Patreon supporters. I knew having a baby would be expensive, but...

SOUND: PHONE VIBRATES ONCE FOR A TEXT MESSAGE; HOLLY TRIES TO IGNORE IT

HOLLY: Diapers alone? Holy shit. And then you stock up, right? Because the last thing you want is to run out at 3am again when your child has poop up her back and down into her socks somehow, and then a week later your child has finally grown out of the preemie size and into the newborn, and you have to donate all those diapers, because you don't have a receipt, and Target will not take them back.

HOLLY: And then, you're just so tired and worn out, you don't care if you're spending all your money on frivolous shit. For instance, seven different pacifiers, on the off chance that maybe, just maybe, you can get more than forty-five minutes of sleep at one time. Or a portable rocker that goes through four D batteries every other day just so you can take a shower in peace. Or "Advanced Care Plus Nipple Balm," because—I don't even want to talk about it.

SOUND: IVY STARTS NURSING

HOLLY: I can't even think about the doctor costs, even just so far. If Ivy's dad wasn't paying for it, I, I really don't know what we would do.

SOUND: RAIN PATTERS ON THE VAN ROOF

HOLLY: In other demoralizing news, my podcast has been getting spammed with some random one-star reviews on iTunes lately. Sometimes they get taken down, sometimes they stay up.

HOLLY: I don't even know what I'm doing with this podcast after this episode. But if you like listening, uh, it would mean a lot (Ivy coughs) if you could rate and review wherever you listen to podcasts.

HOLLY: Also, a few people asked me if I would make merchandise? So while I was bored at the laundromat, I made some designs and I put them up on CafePress and Zazzle. I've got to warn you—I'm not an artist. I'm pretty sure I'm the opposite of an artist. But hey, you can get a giant mug or a hoodie or whatever makes your life happier, and I'll use the profits to buy Leia a cheeseburger, so...

LEIA: (Hearing the word "cheeseburger") Meow?!

HOLLY: Everyone wins!

LEIA:

MEOW!!!!

HOLLY: I put the links, on my website, oakpodcast.com, under the "merch" tab at the top. If I remember, I'll put them in the description of this episode but don't count on that—I'm really sleep-deprived.

HOLLY: Did I mention that the mugs on Zazzle are color-changing?

SOUND: IVY LOSES HER LATCH AND GRUMBLES LOUDLY; HOLLY HELPS HER REATTACH

HOLLY: (Sighs) I miss you, Mica. I don't have anyone to bitch about Thanksgiving with this year.

SOUND: IVY CRIES BRIEFLY

HOLLY: (Softly) Where the fuck are you?

HOLLY: I don't know where you were, but you seriously missed out by flaking on Ivy's birth. I get that having a baby in an empty AirBnB bath tub doesn't sound magical, but it was! It was lunch time, but everything went dark right as I was pushing her out, and Leia panicked and ran to the window and started meowing, and...

HOLLY: It was just the eclipse, obviously, but at the time, it was more like, "Well, fuck, I just gave birth to the harbinger of the apocalypse."

HOLLY: (Scoffs, smiling at Ivy) She's pretty cute for a harbinger of doom, though. I know I'm biased, but I'd be more inclined to say she's the, the 'savior of mankind', or something.

HOLLY: I've been going to synagogue again. I mean, when I'm in a town that has one, which is less often than you would hope. But still, I've been going.

SOUND: IVY YELLS

HOLLY: (Defensively) Not because I think I need divine intervention to take care of a baby. I don't! I'm doing just fine. ...Anyway, that's not why I'm going to synagogue.

SOUND: A LARGE TRUCK PASSES THROUGH THE RAINY STREET

HOLLY: It feels like the early days of something awful, and I don't want to be alone. You know, that bullshit in Charlottesville started on a Friday, like, a week before Ivy was born, and I was already tuned into an online service the next day, before shit even properly hit the fan.

HOLLY: I don't know if I believe there's a God. Luckily, that's not really a requirement most places. But I do know there's a community out there, and I—

SOUND: HOLLY'S PHONE VIBRATES WITH ANOTHER TEXT, WHICH SHE ALSO IGNORES.

HOLLY: Since you left the group chat, and Cami and Ev have to be radio silent so much of the day... I've been a little lonely, I guess. I don't really keep in touch with them that much since Cami went back home. I'm not the best at keeping in touch anyway, but it's still hard.

HOLLY: The last thing I want is my parents taking care of me. We both know they would just bribe a judge to declare me incompetent and give them custody of Ivy. But I need some kind of emotional support to get through everything. Especially since you've fucked off to... wherever you are.

SOUND: HOLLY'S PHONE VIBRATES WITH ANOTHER TEXT

HOLLY: Tom wants me living near him, in D.C. He thinks I'd be safer, and that 'a place of my own would be better for my mental health.' He's right on the last one, but I'm okay in the van, and we're much safer on the road.

HOLLY: Whatever you did to piss off [BEEP], they are not happy about it, and they seem to be under the impression that I can tell them where you are, so I try not to sit still too long these days.

HOLLY: I don't know if this was your goal, but all those terrible things you said about my potential parenting abilities? They just makes me more determined.

HOLLY: When it's five a.m., and Ivy wakes up screaming, and I can't drink coffee because it tanks my milk supply, and I know if I can't make enough milk she'll end up in the hospital with a feeding tube, I just grit my teeth and put in my earbuds and think "Nope, not proving Mica right today!"

HOLLY: If someone had told me a year ago that I would be able to take care of a baby by myself... not just any baby, but a, a sick baby, who can't drink from a bottle, and can't hold her head up even at three months, and that I would be doing this while living in a van, on the run, technically homeless, trying to stay one step ahead of— well, I wouldn't have believed them.

HOLLY: And I don't think I'm just keeping her alive, I mean, I like to think I'm doing more than that.

HOLLY: I really don't know enough about babies to be able to tell, but Tom and Cami would know, and they say I'm doing a good job.

HOLLY: I try to hack the process whenever I can. You wouldn't believe how many baby-tracking apps there are, let alone how many I have on my phone right now.

HOLLY: Babies still don't make sense to me. Ivy doesn't make sense to me most days! The book said I would be able to tell which cry means she's hungry and which cry means she's wet and and which one meant she has colic, but I'm still figuring that out.

HOLLY: Fortunately, there are only so many things that are generally wrong with a baby! I don't have to try to fix her existential crises yet... I know that will come later, I mean, probably. But given that we can't really communicate, I don't have to fix them yet.

HOLLY: It turns out, sometimes sick babies just scream for hours for NO REASON. You're not doing anything wrong, you're not killing them, they're not dying, they just. Want. To cry. And... who doesn't, sometimes?

HOLLY: When that happens, all you can really do is find the nearest Walmart parking lot and lie in the back of your van blaring music in your headphones and patting her back.

HOLLY: Sometimes you just can't fix whatever's wrong.

HOLLY: I would if I could, though! I would do anything for her. I would die for her! But more than that, I would live for her.

HOLLY: I actually take care of myself now, and I don't seriously think about suicide anymore.

HOLLY: I know I'm not the best parent, but I don't think anyone could possibly ever love her more than I do, or try harder than I do.

HOLLY: Seriously, can parenting be a special interest? Because I think it is for me.

SOUND: IVY FUSSES AGAIN

HOLLY: (Quietly) I told you I could do this alone if I had to. And I haven't changed my mind about that, I, I think I'm doing okay. But I... really thought you meant it when you said you wanted to do it with me.

HOLLY: Everyone keeps telling me that you took our money and ran. And I do know that, on some level. Tom showed me the footage of you clearing out our bank accounts.

HOLLY: He says you must have planned this for a while, and, frankly, I don't see how he's wrong about that.

HOLLY: But I have so much trouble wrapping my head around it. We, we don't lie to each other! Or, I thought we didn't.

HOLLY: But all that stuff about Thai food and catching up on TV shows and going to Lamaze classes together in Denmark—none of that was real?!

HOLLY: I think you must have had some other plan, some plan that didn't work out. You had some kind of plan, and I like to think it involved me and Ivy.

SOUND: FIRE TRUCK APPROACHES WITH SIRENS ON. IVY STARTS SHRIEKING.

LEIA: (In distress that the large kitten is upset) Meow! Meow! Meow!

SOUND: THE FIRE TRUCK PASSES, AND IVY AND LEIA CALM DOWN

HOLLY: I know I'm not the best at reading people but... I always thought you were the exception.

HOLLY: I can't accept that you were conning me for months if not years, because that throws everything I thought I knew out the window. And that's why I prefer to believe that you had good intentions, but something went horribly wrong.

HOLLY: But Mica, I need you to understand something. You have fucked up my life in some pretty extraordinary ways— especially this past year, but not just then.

HOLLY: I look back at every decision I've ever made, and you were there, pushing me toward the worst possible option.

HOLLY: Seriously! If you think about it—that night I almost killed Yule Team? I wasn't the one whining that I hated getting high alone.

SOUND: HOLLY'S PHONE VIBRATES, STARTLING IVY

HOLLY: I didn't want to get high before the holiday party. I didn't want to drink an entire bottle of wine at the holiday party. I mean, granted, my parents being there did make me more... susceptible to the idea, but...

HOLLY: Even if it had been my idea to get drunk and high, I definitely didn't want to spend the night (PHONE VIBRATES) at my commanding officer's house! Whether or not you knew we were exes, I— w-whyyy would I want to do that? Do you ever think anything through?! God!

SOUND: PHONE VIBRATES WITH ANOTHER TEXT MESSAGE

HOLLY: And why, exactly, did I have to go on the run, instead of being protected by the military? Why did I have to sleep in abandoned buildings and do all the things I did when I was eight months pregnant?!

SOUND: IVY SCREAMS

HOLLY: At every SINGLE turn, you've done the exact opposite of whatever I told you I wanted.

LEIA: Meow! Meowww!

SOUND: HOLLY'S PHONE VIBRATES NONSTOP

HOLLY: And now you've fucked me over so thoroughly—(sputtering angrily over Ivy's shrieks, Leia's Meows) and Ivy! (Higher pitched) I can't even afford to take Ivy to the doctor!

SOUND: SCREAMING, MEOWING, VIBRATING

HOLLY: You're not even in our lives and you're still fucking us over! Goddammit—

SOUND: IVY IS SOOTHED; MEOWING CONTINUES WHILE HOLLY'S PHONE STOPS VIBRATING

HOLLY: (Still tense, but shifting gears quickly) Hey, uh can I call you back in... ten minutes?

SOUND: LONG SILENCE; A CONCERNED MEOW

HOLLY: No, sorry. I'm okay. I was just really lonely.

SOUND: A PAUSE; IVY STARTS CRYING AGAIN

HOLLY: No! Jesus. No, I just wanted to talk to someone other than Ivy and Leia. I'm fine.

SOUND: IVY SCREAMS, LEIA MEOWS

HOLLY: (More firmly) No, we're both fine. Are we still on for tomorrow at five?

SOUND: MEDIUM PAUSE; A LARGE TRUCK PASSES

HOLLY: Right, and then the Black Friday lines are always insane, so they'll probably gone a few hours. Yeah, just call me when they leave. Ivy and Leia almost always wake me up around four, so I should be awake.

SOUND: MEDIUM PAUSE; IVY WAILS

HOLLY: No, no. Go be with your family. We're fine.

SOUND: CRYING AND MEOWING

HOLLY: Right, I'll see tomorrow... You too. Bye.

SOUND: IVY POOPS LOUDLY—APPARENTLY THIS CRY MEANS HER TUMMY IS HURTING.

HOLLY: Great. All right, hold that thought...

SOUND: CLICK, THEN TOTAL SILENCE AS HOLLY PAUSES THE RECORDER TO CHANGE A DIAPER

HOLLY: He's been really good to us, you know? I really don't think we would have made it without him.

HOLLY: He actually brought me my DD-214, right after Ivy was born. (Snorts) I guess they were in a hurry to get rid of me.

SOUND: IVY MAKES RANDOM BABY NOISES

HOLLY: It was an OTH, in case you were wondering. I know I could appeal to get it upgraded to general, and given who my parents are, and the good work I've done for the past ten years, I think I'd have a good chance...

HOLLY: But no one gives a fuck! I, they make it sound like it's the end of the world if you don't get an honorable discharge, but really, no one outside the military cares. I mean... I wouldn't go to the VA hospital if my life depended on it, and I doubt the programming jobs I'm looking at will care.

SOUND: IVY NURSES LOUDLY AND NOT VERY COMPETENTLY

HOLLY: They didn't demote Tom, but they did make him retire. I mean, I'm not actually sure on the details. It's possible people were just so awful to him he decided it would be better to retire. Either way...

HOLLY: He's had some good interviews—at least, he tells me he's had some good interviews, and he's really not wrong about the money in the private sector, it's... way better. But I know that if he really cared about the money, he could have switched to the private sector decades ago.

HOLLY: Everything is so wrecked, I don't even know where to start fixing it. I've lost my home, my career, my savings, my best friend, every earthly possession I've ever owned... and just for good measure, we destroyed the marriage, career, and reputation of my daughter's father.

HOLLY: So, great! Now Ivy is not only sick and uninsured, but the only person supporting us is puling from his savings just to buy diapers!

HOLLY: I'm not saying Tom and I are blameless, or that things were perfect, or that I'm not irrationally upset about some things I have no right to be upset about because... it doesn't matter!

HOLLY: But what happened at the holiday party should have stayed between the two of us. If you had just left things alone when I asked you to, things would be so much better!

HOLLY: I really wish I'd stood up to you. For whatever I feel about Tom, at least I can believe him when he says he was just confused. Because unlike you, he has a track record of actually listening to me and respecting what I tell him I want.

HOLLY: And also unlike you, he's actually been there for us. He's spent so much time and money helping us—time and money I know he doesn't have.

SOUND: IVY CHOKES ON MILK AND STARTS CRYING

LEIA: Meow? Meow! Meow!!!

SOUND: IVY SETTLES DOWN AND RESUMES NURSING

HOLLY: You've always gotten yourself into all kinds of shit, and until this year, I didn't care that you pulled me along with you. But now I have Ivy, and if you bring your shitshow anywhere close to her, I will end you.

HOLLY: I did a lot of thinking and praying and researching during the High Holy Days. And the rabbis I talked to all said the same thing—I'm only obligated to forgive anyone making an actual effort to make amends and fix things between us.

HOLLY: Ivy was really sick around then, like scary sick, and Tom—I don't know what he told his family, but he came out here for almost two weeks, cooking, and cleaning, and changing diapers, paying for doctor's visits— even going to synagogue with me and taking Ivy out when she cried so I could stay. And that whole time, you were... well.

HOLLY: I don't know if you're in over your head with [BEEP], or if you just got cold feet about helping me raise Ivy and extreme ghosted me.

HOLLY: But whatever you left us for was obviously more important. And I won't lie, that hurts, a lot. But I understand! A lot of things in the world are more important than me. That's how the world is.

HOLLY: But that means that a lot of things in the world are more important than you, too. And the most important thing in my world is Ivy. And I will NOT stand for anyone stealing from her and putting her in danger, Jesus!

MUSIC: OUTRO, "SOLITUDE" BY MUCIOJAD

HOLLY: And that's why this will be my last message to you. You made your choice, and I don't have anything else to say to you.

HOLLY: I don't think I'll ever stop loving you. But for all of our sakes, I really hope I never see you again.

HOLLY: I'd say leave us alone, but that doesn't seem to be a problem for you.

HOLLY: So... have a nice life, Mica.

SOUND: MUSIC AND RAINY AMBIENCE FADE OUT

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Grace

Janis: Idk if you're still up but I need that favour called in whilst we're in Spain okay Grace: No drama Grace: Within reason, anything, obvs Janis: Yeah, nothing big, I swear Janis: just...if Jim contacts you, just say I'm crazy busy, alright? Idk, you know the bullshit, but fob him off and don't tell him anything more than you have to Grace: Okay Grace: He'll buy that, we've been here, there and everywhere on our end of this exchange Janis: Yeah, idk if he will Janis: and idk if he'll even bother coming to you but if he does Grace: What's wrong, babe? Grace: What did he do? Janis: Nothing, he didn't do anything wrong Janis: but I fucked up big time, never a better time for scheduled running away though fuck knows it ain't long enough Grace: Yeah tbf whatever else is off your timing's not Janis: I'm such a bitch Grace: I'm not gonna kick you when you're obvs down, but like Grace: I know Grace: What happened? Janis: Yeah Janis: pretending I was capable of anything but was my mistake Janis: He told me he loved me and I just fucking Janis: ran away Grace: Fuck Grace: Okay Grace: That's bad, but it could be worse. I mean, I know you love him back Janis: Obviously not or I wouldn't have done that, would I Grace: Sure Jan Grace: Getting scared doesn't mean you don't Janis: You don't get it, Grace Janis: his Mum ain't dead, alright Janis: she left as in she's missing and they don't know where she is, still Janis: now do you see how bad it is Grace: Oh Grace: But he knows you, he'll understand Grace: I mean, yeah, it'll have hurt Janis: He shouldn't have to understand Janis: It was fucked up Janis: I can't be that, what he wants Grace: Give him some credit though Grace: He knows about Edie Grace: He just knows Grace: And he wants to be with you. Obviously Janis: Having a dead sister isn't a free pass or an excuse Grace: You aren't trying to use one Grace: You're torn up like Grace: You wouldn't care if you were just hiding behind that stuff Janis: Whatever Janis: doesn't change the fact it happened Janis: got to own it Grace: And talk to him Grace: I owe you one and I'll do what you asked me if that's really what you want but I don't think so Janis: It isn't but it's what it is Janis: I can't change how I am Janis: that was me trying and it fucked up Janis: shouldn't have dragged him into it in the first place Grace: Please! You've never dragged that boy anywhere Grace: Whatever you do next you probably owe him an explanation for what you did Janis: I could've kept him away if I had wanted to Janis: do it with everyone else Janis: I know but Janis: what'll it change or achieve Grace: And how's that worked out for you bitch, I'm right here Grace: And he still would've caught his feelings, can't control that Grace: Like you can't let him think whatever he is right now cos OMG Janis: I know Janis: but I can't turn 'round like oops now Janis: he ain't gonna want to see me rn Grace: Why? Grace: You've run before Grace: And he'll wanna know how you really feel Grace: Plus if you're okay cos lbr he's one of the good ones Janis: yeah but Janis: not like that Janis: there's no coming back from that Grace: didn't you think that after Skerries? Grace: I'm not trying to be a bitch, but genuinely Grace: You can't say that until you speak to him Janis: I know Janis: I can't though Janis: not right now Janis: maybe not ever Janis: I don't know what to say Grace: I get it Grace: It's hard to be honest Grace: especially if you've already fucked up Grace: Don't rush tbf cos that might be worse Janis: Should I just go Janis: or explain as much as we've said here Janis: like, I'm sorry and I need time and all that shit Grace: I think so Grace: even if its a text Grace: just say what you can Janis: Alright Janis: I will Janis: Thanks, Grace Grace: Anytime, you know Grace: If you need to sneak to his I can cover for you Janis: Cheers Janis: I just can't Grace: I know Grace: you've made it this far though, like that's a thing Grace: Like you said, you push everyone away but he's lasted Janis: 'til now yeah Janis: ah fuck Grace: I can't keep a lad ever Grace: you've been together ages Grace: you havent done everything wrong, babes Janis: That's the lads you've picked, though Grace: not an excuse if yours aren't Janis: alright well, we aren't here to drag you and your life choices rn Janis: so you're okay Grace: 😌 Grace: Do you want me to come in, I can shoo my boy back to where he should be sleeping Janis: nah Janis: not trying to ruin your good time Janis: i'm fine Grace: do you wanna go tomorrow? we could say you're sick or something Janis: nah, i've got to go Janis: can't stay here Grace: 👌 Grace: do message him or whatever though Janis: 'course Janis: anyway go get some sleep Janis: or whatever Grace: I can't Grace: lowkey stressed about tomorrow Janis: why? Grace: I'm not making rn about me Grace: you don't need to hear it Janis: feel free Janis: any distraction Grace: okay but just know it's stupid and cringe in comparision Grace: I'm freaking out cos I have to meet his family and friends like I know he did ours, but we weren't a thing, then Grace: idek Janis: you'll be good Janis: just let him set the tone and follow his lead on that one like Janis: that way, you can't go too hard Janis: or undersell it and look like a bitch Janis: be the least of our worries if his fam are psychos, running for our lives, like Grace: can they even be as weird as ours Janis: they'd struggle Janis: no offence, like, but that trophy is ours Grace: 😂 Janis: drafting the text now Grace: you've got this, babes Janis: how do I even put this in words Janis: I so don't Grace: start with sorry Janis: yeah Janis: just spam him with that 'til he blocks me, like Grace: and don't ask him if he's okay cos like obvs not Janis: 😖 Janis: i want to die Grace: I know Grace: not that I've been here myself but Janis: I know I'm whining Janis: I'll just do it Janis: stop being a pussy Grace: oh honey Grace: I've whined to you so many times, it's 👌 Janis: [Sends the text] Janis: is that Janis: i mean, that's alright, yeah? Grace: Yeah Grace: I think so Grace: It's sounds good Grace: Ugh not like Grace: It sounds right Janis: Okay Janis: That's all we can aim for right now Janis: not like it'll suffice Janis: already fucked it up, no avoiding that Grace: not to be that bitch but let me know when he replies Grace: not if cos he will Janis: yeah, sure Janis: i wouldn't normally drag you into my stuff but Janis: i didn't know what to do Janis: still don't but yeah Grace: I know Grace: but I'm happy to have still been up Grace: can't do much but anyway Janis: nah, you've helped Grace: 🤞 Grace: I want to Janis: anyway, blatantly not going to bed but no need for us both to be sat here waiting for the response Janis: you at least try, yeah? Grace: Sure Grace: Won't be that many hours until we have to be going anyway Grace: my concealer will be earning it's price tag Janis: right, might be needing to borrow that Janis: or some ridiculously oversized shades Janis: very european Grace: whichever you go with, I've got you covered Grace: 💋

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 9 (05.09.2021) - (06.04.2021)

Before I get into things, I cant believe I haven’t been on here in almost half a year. Well, to be fair I do get on here, but just for a quick minute to see my small feed and then get off, or whenever I get those notifications from tumblr desperately trying to get me to open their app again. I actually have been meaning to get on here and write, but I guess it became one of things you say and never do. I just felt that there was so much on my life to update on that I kept pushing it back further and further. I know I don't have to, but someday I’d like to see what was going on in my time back in the day - both good and bad, Besides, it’d be an interesting thing for my kids and for my older self to look back upon and see what bullshit went on. Reading off my last entry, I see I brought up that keto diet again. Yeah, that shit never stuck. It was one of those things that I tried once and it went great, and then I kept trying it time after time and it failed every time. Even now, this month, Im still trying to get back into it. And by “getting back into it”, I mean I told Mr. that I was gonna do this diet with him, and then i continued eating like crap - but wait I have an excuse. My sisters birthday was the week that we were supposed to start, so I mean, I couldn’t step out on my sisters birthday bro, I had to eat that good good you know? 

Covid is still a thing. Update on that though, I did get vaccinated. My university opened up vaccinations for students and so me and Mr. The first vaccination didn’t hurt at all, to be honest I didn’t even feel the dang thing go in. And it was so funny because after you get the vaccine they monitor you for fifteen minutes and Mr. legit had the worst luck and sat in the only available seat which was in the corner between an Asian girl who was on the verge of throwing up and someone who was laying down in a bed about to pass out. I mean, it was hilarious imagining if they were to throw up on him, and besides with the jokes we made, It was so hard to keep in my laughter. The second vaccine was about two weeks after the first, and there was some sting to that one. I didn’t get any crazy symptoms, but my head was spinning and i felt very tired, the best way I could describe it is when you’re really sleepy and you just wanna sleep all day and your eyes are heavy, like that. Like, the best type of sleepy where you’re about to knock out. The only bad thing to it was your head spinning but thats it, I guess it made you feel very weak aswell. 

*Sidenote: It literally took me almost a whole month to come back to this draft and finish it. It is currently 06.04.2021.

Last thing I was talking about was the Covid vaccine. Yeah, the symptoms weren’t too bad, it was just the dizziness I guess. My sister got the vaccine this past month and she experienced the same symptoms as well, and so did Mr., Ice, and my mom. I already finished with my spring semester, and summer classes just started. I’m taking a Crij course this summer just to get it out of the way already, and I am retaking Biol 1 in Summer 2. Aside from this, it has been really shitty. I guess the least worst thing that’s happened so far is that my older brother came to visit back in March this year. I haven’t seen him in a long time, but it wasn’t all exciting. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about him before on here, but long story short, he’s caused my siblings and I a lot of trauma from when we were at a younger age. When he came, it was just one of those things where it was really awkward at first and then it just kind of became a “faking everythings good” type of thing. After this, shit really hit the fan. 

I never thought this would be anywhere near a part of my story but,

*Trigger Warning: child exploitation*.

I believe I have mentioned before that I had gone to couples counseling with Mr. This was back in early-midway 2020. We had gotten better, so our counselor saw fit that we stop going. It was scary at first, because we felt like things were just going to collapse again now that no one was going to be there to help support our relationship in a healthy way, but it was actually great. Individually, I was really scared too. I mean, I was used to things blowing up eventually over and over again, so you could imagine the hesitation I had when I had to actually trust Mr. again, and I mean like actually trust. I was practically forced to put my walls down and trust him, and I fought him and our counselor so hard on it, but it was like the whole world was against me because left and right people were telling me to trust him, so I did. I was really worried at first. The first couple of months were normal, but there was several times where I would overthink things, and look for things to go wrong. I’d stay up and stalk his social medias, his friends social medias, like, I was looking everywhere. I guess this is what gave me the slightest hint about what was going on. I had gone through his likes on twitter and saw that he had “hearted” a photo of a girls onlyfans. And it wasn’t just a regular girl, It was someone we knew and went to highschool with. This girl was someone that Mr. and his friends would always tease and bully, and I don’t know why, maybe it’s some misogony, but there is always going to be something sketchy when it comes to a certain group of guys and girls they tease. They say all this stuff about them, but once that girl is exposed in the slightest, they are all there jerking their meat to them. Anyways, I confronted him about it and he said that he had clicked on the profile just to see what it was and once he realized what it was he exited out. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and moved on. Towards the end of the year, I’d say around late October, I started believing that things were okay. I even talked to my friends about it and stated how weird it felt for things to be okay, almost as if it felt wrong, but they assured me that if I had nothing to worry about, then don’t. To just be free, be happy. And then my world was crushed. In early to mid December, I woke up to several messages on my phone from a girl I recognized, but never had any contact with. I had previously known her because she was an ex to a former friend of mine. However, because she messaged me on messanger and deleted the messages before I had the chance to read them, I couldn’t see what was said. I was only able to see that I had gotten messages and that they were deleted. I replied to her and asked what was up, because I was extremely confused as to why this girl was messaging me in the first place. Her reply was, “Do you know “Mr.”?. This legit shook me to the fucking core because it is what I had feared all along. I was so tense for months, and once I had finally relaxed, this shit gets thrown in my face. She started asking if I knew my own boyfriend, and said that I might want to talk to him. I remember I kept asking her what was going on, but she just kept repeating the same thing; to talk to him first. And it was really odd because the night before, Mr. had messaged me a long paragraph explaining how he loved me, and how he’s made mistakes, and how life is so hard on him, and just basically explaining himself to me in such a vague way. But I took it to heart, because he opened up to me on his own after months of me asking him to. I didn’t wait to think of it as an apology for what was coming. That was the last message he had sent me before I got the message from this girl. Lets call her Desert. I was spamming Mr. with calls, texts, I even tracked his location and he had turned it off. Eventually I came to the conclusion that he had gone back to doing what he used to, which was something dealing with nudes or that he had cheated on me, or both. I ran to my friends scared half to death; I couldn’t eat, talk, I was freaking the fuck out. It’s almost as if my body knew, and was preparing itself. Mr. got back to me later at night, but he didn’t want to tell me anything about what was going on until I threatened to leave him. I recall telling him that I’m done waiting, and that I needed answers now or I was going to bombard Desert with them and hear it from someone else and leave. This is when he told me. He told me that months ago, after our couples therapy had ended, an old friend of his, someone we went to highschool with, lets call him Bucket. For some insight, Bucket is some bad fucking news. This guy is the last person you would want any of your family around. And I remember he had started talking to bucket and some other friends from highschool again, but I don’t know why my peanut brain didn’t think exactly who he was getting involved with again. Anyways, he told me that Bucket had reached out to him and asked if Mr. had any lewd photos of girls. Reminder: this was something they had been doing back in highschool. Mr. told him no, and that was that. Bucket kept coming back and asking, over and over again, and after Mr. gave some more thought to it, he remembered that he had his old SIM card from his old phone and that he might have something on there. He checked it, and sure enough there was. Let me pause you right here. When we were in couples counseling and as it was coming to an end, I expressed my worries about the SIM card. I had known that Mr. was doing this stuff back then, so I knew he had photos on this card. I think his phone had cracked or something like that, so thats why he got a new phone. When I asked about the SIM card, he said he had given the phone and SIM card to his sister, and that they were gone. I thought it was super weird because not long before that he said that he was hesitant to give the phone to his sister and idk what, it was weird. Anyways, back to the story. Mr. sent the photos to Bucket, and from there was the start of our downfall. Mr. got invested in it, and he got back into trading nudes and lewd photos of girls. This already sounds bad, but the worst part is that these were old photos. This SIM card went years back, and I mean years back to when he was in highschool doing this. What I am trying to get at is that he had photos of girls from highschool, meaning underage for the most part. Mr. is 22, and he was 22 at the time he got invested into this again. I didn’t even know what to think of it. I felt like throwing up, like my intestines were going to come out of my mouth and like I was going to die. I literally had a feeling of disgust and anger, not only for him lusting over other people, but the ages of the people he was lusting over. I, as well as many others, consider this child p^rn. I now had this idea that I was dating this pedophile for years, and was barely finding out. I felt like fucking dying, all those sacrifices, are for this? That was at worst as it got. Desert reached out to me to tell me about this, because Desert was Buckets ex girlfriend, and now babymomma. She had found out and let me know. However, Mr. found out she was doing this and talked to her, and convinced her that he would let me know and that it was for the better, and she let him. Desert sent me screenshots that she had found through Buckets account between him and Mr., and I can’t even begin to describe how hard my heart fell through my ass. It hurt like i just got shot in the throat. It was through her and these screenshots that I also found out that he had previously planned to hook up with one of our old friends, as well as other people. I’m not even going to go into the degrading words he had said about the fellow girlies I (used) to be friends with. It was a fucking mess when I met up with him. I told him that he was a pedophile, and it went to hell from there. I’m talking massive breakdowns, crying, yelling, you name it. I was telling him people were going to report this, hell, I told him I was going to report this. I’ll save you the hours of repetition, I didnt report shit, well, not at this moment. He also let me know that he had been buying this girls onlyfans, remember the girl I mentioned earlier, the one who I caught him hearting photos of? Yeah, he had been buying her onlyfans, and his friends and him were pitching in for it. What ended up happening was that Desert had told me and let me know that she was going to be notifying the girls that these pigs had photos of, and that it was up to them what they wanted to do. I let her know that it was fine, and that I would support whatever it was they did, meaning, if they were to make a report on them, so be it. He’s a grown man, he dug himself in this hole. What ended up coming of it all; I believe she is still notifying the girls about the photos and the pigs, because it’s still being brought up recently. I’m still with Mr., if that’s what you want to know. It hurt a lot, hearing it all, and I took some time for myself to figure out what I want to do, to figure out how to go about it, hell, to catch a breather. We didn’t spend valentines day together because of this. I was there to support him though, because he was scared that each day was going to be his last, meaning either the cops were going to get to him first or he was himself. I was there for him, I supported him, cared for him, even though I was supposed to be the one to receive that treatment. But I did it because I love him. I know it sounds stupid, especially if you consider everything. But I do love him. I’ve known this man for about 5 years, and even though he is such a fucking stupid person, I could tell this wasn’t the way he wanted things for himself. I could tell that he never wanted to be in that place, but it’s where he ended up. Mr. has been going through a rough time lately, I know how difficult things are for him. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but he’s at home all the time taking care of his very ill father. I can only imagine the lengths that something like that would take you through. I know many people suffer with many different things, and many use different outlets to release themselves of this pressure and stress. I believe because this was something that Mr. had previously been involved with, and because Bucket reached out at the time, this was the path that led him to the biggest mistake of his life. He found his comfort in these photos, this environment, these people. I know many struggle with porn addiction, drinking, sex addiction, intrusive thoughts, etc. I just think the demons caught him at the “perfect” timing. I believe he had been suffering through intrusive thoughts for a while. And with the stress and pressure from his family duties and his friends, it led to this. I know it hurt, and I never would’ve pictured ourselves in that situation, ever. But, I also knew that that person I was dealing with, was not the Mr. I knew. I knew he was somewhere in there, but I also knew that he was dealing with something greater than just stress. It was a whole mountain of ugly things. And yeah, I could’ve walked away and moved on with my life, but once you get to know somebody inside and out, and get to know and fall in love with them for every ounce of their being, I don’t believe the choice to “walk out” is there anymore. I believe at that point they become a part of you, they become family. It’s not that I didn’t have the strength or the choice to leave, because I did. It’s more that I couldn’t leave him to suffer knowing that’s what he was doing; suffering. I wanted him to get better, I didn’t want to see him behind bar cells, or even worse. I needed him to get better for himself, and for his future. I know many won’t understand, but that’s alright. As long as we understand, that’s all I needed. We stayed together, and overtime we took care of one another. We now stand in a better place, one where forgiving has been a big part of. It’s going well again. We tried going to couples counseling, but our counselor had a waitlist and pushed it all the way until the coming fall, and I mean im not going to be here so there is not going to be any couples counseling to begin with, but thats alright. We did do it for a week before she had to push us back, and in that week when I opened up to her about what had taken place, she believed it to be the extreme measures to involve cps and make a report. She made a vague report, and since I was the one to speak on it, it was as if I had made the report. However, nothing came out of it because it was not ongoing and cps didn’t think it was extreme enough to open up a case about. I think we have come to a place where were good now though. Recently, one of the explosive girls that they had photos of reached out to Ice, my very close friend, and warned her about the people she was involving herself with. She was talking about me, and how I am involved with Mr. I guess she warned her because people are starting to look at me weirdly for being his girlfriend. Ice let me know, and I told my friends that I would never put them in such a bad situation where they have to like who my partner is, and I let them know that if they felt like I was someone they no longer wanted to be associated with, then I would understand if they left. They didn’t leave. I don’t really care for people to start looking at me weirdly, because it simply isn’t like that. We know the truth, Mr., my close friends, and I, and I am okay with that. He started going to counseling again, and I have found myself at peace with the world. I understand how crazy it can all be y’know? I don’t know how I’ve come to be the person I am today, but I’m thankful for it. I know peace, I know life, and I know what love is. I strive to fill my life with these and live as comfortable of a life that I possibly can. My relationship is good, work is still being done, but it is good. I can ask for nothing more but for us to be blessed with another day of being together. 

My relationship with my father has plummeted. I had reached out to him early in the year about what was happening in my relationship, and I did find my comfort in my own dad. However, what I failed to realize was that my own father was a man who had misogynist views of his own. I forgot that he was a creep, and someone who Mr. would end up like if he didn’t try to make himself better. Along with this, I realized the absence he made in my family and the way he treated my siblings. My sister and mom have talked to him, and oh man, did my sister and I let him have it. He knows why we aren’t speaking. He constantly apologizes, says he’s been “joking” about the way he sees woman, as if joking about it for the last 20 years is even possible. It’s just gaslighting, and it’s not working. That’s why we don’t talk anymore. He can’t even realize how sick he is, and tries to save his ass from losing his daughters by calling it “joking”, which evidently makes it worse. 

I have reached out to a former professor of mine to be my mentor, and he has said yes. This man is someone I highly respect who I took for an Engl course for my basics. He’s an older man, who just recently retired from teaching. I’m just glad I can be able to remain in contact with someone who I see myself in. 

I can also finally say that I am finally moving to my dream university this coming fall. It has all been approved, and I have a dorm and all. I’m very excited, but also saddened to be leaving my family and friends. I also have to share that I have a job now! I am currently a hotel receptionist working night hours, which is where I am writing this blog at right now. I love this job, and I love the people and the hours. It’s very peaceful for a college student like myself. 

Well, I’ve finally caught you guys up. I hope it brings you a giggle to say that through writing this, I have a slight lag to my typing because of all the shit I had to say. I’ll try to write more often. I hope you guys remain safe. See you soon. 

Ended this at 06.04.2021 at 5:28 AM.

-jen

[wishingfornever]

10/17/17 – Extensive Contact:  Moving On

Series of dreams again.  First, Dennis wanted to apologize.  I told him I couldn’t forgive him after what he did to you, Jeremiah, Shane, Daniel, and literally EVERYONE else.  He hasn’t learned his lesson. I told him if he were truly sorry, that’d he’d fix things and become more honest.  And he did.  Then I woke up and realized it was just a dream.

Drat. I don’t recall the second one but the third was really interesting.  I can’t remember what it was.  None of us were in it (except for myself, and even that was a strong maybe).  I remembered it when I woke up but several hours have passed since then.  It’s weird I remember the first dream more than the last.  

Ah, well.

Anyways, Max is ridiculous.  He looks it and he was sleeping in the bed next to me this morning.  Someone pushed the door bell and then he LOST HIS GOD DAMNED MIND!!!  It was great.  Except for the fact that he really needed to pee so I let him out.

I think I may have slept 12 hours last night.  I woke up far later than I thought I would.  I haven’t slept that well the last few days, so I guess I was just getting my sleep back.  I’ve been leaving my computer downstairs so I’m not in bed when I’m on it.  I think it’s easier to write when sitting down at a desk, sort of.  Not really a desk, more a movable tray for food so you can get fat and watch TV.

Regardless, I wrote most of my book like this, actually.  Was on a table at the place I house sat at.  I got a lot done there.  I’ll get a lot done today.  Adela was trying to make a plan as to how to sweep this floor.  I just told her I’d do it today.  I think I’ll have to get to it soon, tbh.  I’d like to eat first.

She was super bummed yesterday.  She’ll appreciate my help.

Do you remember when we were playing with the gate?  As people opened it, we’d close it immediately after?  I was super concerned that someone would crash into it.  But it was so funny.  You have a cute sadistic laugh.  And you loved the pizza.

I’ve been meaning to order a pizza but whenever I consider it, I just kind of get… sad.  I missed having pizza with you.  Perhaps we can again sometime, even if it’s just as friends.  As I was thinking of you, my phone buzzed.  Initial thought was it was you texting me, but it was just an email.  I got a lot of spam nowadays.

Anyways, remember the enigma?  I proposed another allegory focusing on punishment or salvation.  It’s a religious allegory that hasn’t been spotted yet.  I asked Daniel to copy and paste because most of his friends are Christian and haven’t ignored his posts.  Thus, he’ll have more responses.

I suspect that the more Christian the person, the more they’d say punish over salvation which is Ironic because some protestants say you need to accept Jesus as your savior to get into heaven and you can be forgiven of your sins because… reasons.  It’ll give them a chance to confront their biases despite their beliefs.

I SUCK at proportions.  I tried making myself a breakfast sandwich and it looked like a shitty salad covered in veggies with a piece of bread on it.  Like… no egg anywhere, but there were two.  I promise there were two.

Just walked Max.  I think some neighbors were arguing about dogs.  One of their dog was off a leash and I had to carry Max a bit.  They were across the street from one another so I hope it’s not too bad.  I just felt a bit awkward.  :/

I remembered more of the first dream.  I asked you about your money situation and you told me you were fine.  I asked how much left and you said 400.  You were doing something to get extra money which I said, “Oh, yeah!  That’s smart!” while thinking, “That’s dumb.”  I can’t remember what you were doing but it wasn’t that good or viable.  Like a trickle of income.  When you spoke, you sounded like you did when you came over the first time to pick up your things and I showed you the contract.  When we spoke, you sounded like you felt guilty with yourself.

I’ve been wanting to ask you.  Why didn’t you leave when I wanted to go that night?  When I asked you to come with me, you refused.  Why? Maybe I should have stayed.  Things probably would have ended better between us.  If I just ignored everything.  But, I was drunk and emotional.  Maybe it showed.  Could you blame me for being upset? Discovering my friend was telling you that I didn’t care about you? Flirting with you?  Just bullshit. Again, that’s not what friends do but I was the fool.  I thought he was my friend when he wasn’t.  He’s not anyone’s friend.  It took him supporting your beliefs rather than respecting our relationship for me to see it. One night, while we were drinking he told me he would never infringe on our relationship and he was super happy for me.  He said he didn’t have a crush on you and the only friend of mine he had a crush on was Krystal.  He said I had NOTHING to fear with him but I should be worried about Daniel.  It was weird, I didn’t know why he was telling me this, but I thanked him.  I trusted him.  Seems I was wrong to.

You don’t understand, Esther.  You don’t understand what he has said, what he has done just to do this.  It’s why I don’t blame you. It’s why I haven’t just given up on you.

You know, Shane told me before I apologized to Dennis for invading his privacy that Dennis and I will look back and laugh at this.  Later, he told me I shouldn’t even try to associate with Dennis anymore. I can’t help but wonder what he’s been saying about me that’d make Shane change his mind so drastically.  Like… I’ve done nothing wrong to Dennis, beyond discovering him sabotaging our relationship.

Daniel just messaged me.  I’m excited.  He has like TEN times the amount of friends I have and they’re mostly local.  Being in Susanville, a lot of the people who’ll comment are super christian.  Thus, I’ll be more able to reach my target demographic through his page than my own.  I’m super excited.  :D

Daniel is taking his time to get back to me.  I can’t even wait.

Anyways, I realized something a couple days ago and I forgot to mention it. If WE end up getting back together and we live in Spain and somehow have a daughter named Cynthia, her name would be pronounced Thynthia by everyone she meets because Spain has that dumb lisp.  I HATE that lisp.

Of course, the odds of that happening are pretty low.

Now I’m pissed.  I went to your Twitter and saw Dennis’s hands on you in one of your posts.  What a piece of shit.  I see you’re still chewing your nails, though.  Can’t be that good to you.  And you’ve finally face revealed.  You’re getting reckless.  I suppose you don’t care since all you’re doing is smoking pot.

I hate Dennis.  He’s a fat, lying piece of shit.

That said, because you’re doing nothing but smoke pot, you’re going to be in a difficult situation soon.  Of course, if I offer to help, you’ll turn me away.  Fuck it.  I really shouldn’t care.  You’ve moved on so quickly.  Moved on to someone who is using you.

But that’s fine.  You don’t mind being used.

The thing is, it’s easier for women to move on rather than men.  They did studies and after a breakup, men tend to dwell longer than women. Blame my genetics.

I broke something.  On accident.  Admittedly, I was upset when I did, but it was still an accident.  I knocked over that dumb metal table by the couches.  I want to message you.  I won’t, of course, but I’ll message you by the end of the month.  I know you’ll be okay, but I just want to let you know that you’re being an idiot.  I’ll also let you know some of the dumb things Dennis has said.

Like… you really are being an idiot right now.  I don’t want to call you stupid because I know you have a great mind.  You just NEVER use it. I just want you to think.  That’s why I got you into NationStates. So you can work on your critical thinking.

Everything, I got you in?  It was for you.  Even the dumb fucking parties.  You said you didn’t have any friends, so here are some of mine.  I guess some of my friends just happened to be more like the friends you knew.

I’m frustrated that I can’t help you.  Dennis should be scared of me. Right now, I’d slap the fucking shit out of him.  Then again, I have never hit him out of anger before.  God, he needs it.  I wish you could see what he’s done from my perspective.  I guess this will help, assuming you get past all the times I just called him a piece of shit and continued talking about something else.

Dennis is a poor Harvey Wienstien without the charm.

I can’t help but think about that post, calling pot the opiate of the proletariat.  It wasn’t about you because I never considered you a Communist.  However, it should DEFINITELY apply to you now.  Pot is such a benign drug, too.  Yet… you’re spending all this money on it?

I guess you’re doing porn again.  That’s some income, but it won’t be enough.

I know what you’d say after reading this.  “The fact that you’re angry means you’re not over it.”  Maybe I’m not.  Fuck you for expecting me to just get over it.  You were such a condescending bitch before it all ended, it’s a miracle I wasn’t over it sooner.

But, of course, I’m the reason you’re in this mess.  All I want to do is help you, regardless of your condescending nature.  I REALLY shouldn’t.  Everyone thinks you’re either really dumb or you’re a whore.  Shane said you were a whore and that he didn’t want you in the trailer to begin with because you were baggage.

I’m tired of defending you.  But I can’t just agree with them.

I’m not trying to be your guardian angel.  I really want to send you back to North Carolina.  At least your mom would take care of you.  When you came here, you couldn’t have been more appreciative.  You were so happy.  You said I saved your life. Well, I can’t save it now.  Not that you’ll die, but things will get harder for you.

I don’t want to see you get hurt.

Ah, well.  I’ll be sure to talk about how much I care about my ex not getting hurt to that hole I punched in the wall.  I wish I had your apathy.  Or maybe the secret to keeping you was to lie to your face. I should have told you that I was a liar, should have said so from the start so you’d trust me regardless.  After all, I told you I was a liar.  I let you in, so now I won’t lie to you.  I trust you so you would trust me too.

If you want to fool the world, tell the truth.

Now that I see you and Dennis are being “more than friends” the blog will probably be taken down soon.  I should probably save everything you said before that happens.  We’ll see.  Thank you for leaving it up.  Despite everything, that was the one bit of compassion that actually helped me through the dark times.

Thank you for that bit of mercy.

Anyways, I’m going to write.  I was going to watch a video on Youtube but I decided no.  I was too angry and I wouldn’t have cared for it. Later.

You bitch.  You removed me from Skype, too.  Just the better.  I was contemplating messaging you.  Why are you removing me from everything though?  Why do you hate me so much?  Just checked.  You removed me on Steam, too.  Remove me from everything.  You don’t want to talk to me anymore.

See why I think you hate me?  I knew it’d be like this.  Why are you removing me from everything?

You messaged me.  You seemed pretty stern.  You were surprised to discover I was still talking to Shane.  I was surprised he was still talking to Dennis.

We were pretty upset.  I asked for one night to talk to you.  You granted that.  Considering this is going on Tumblr now sometime next year, I guess I’ll make a transcript and then go to bed.

Stephen: Hey.  I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, but I need to ask you something.  Then I can disappear forever I’d you’d like.

Stephen: If, not I’d.

Stephen: I know you’re getting this.  I know you’re awake, too.  Listen, I was never mean to you or Dennis.  I get that you don’t want to see me again.  That’s fine.

Stephen: I also know that you said you didn’t want to go to Texas because you’re afraid of me for some reason.  Shane told me that you begged Dennis not to go, either.

Stephen: That’s a little extreme.  Dennis is giving up a potential career for you.  But fine, maybe he’s scared of me, too.  Told Shane he wasn’t but Shane rolled his eyes.

Stephen: I never messaged you as you requested until now.  Why are you blocking me and removing me everything?  I’m not asking you for anything.

Stephen: What did I do that lead to this?

Stephen: After tonight, you can ignore me forever.  I’ll be fine with that. Just give me this one night and I’ll be gone, no questions asked.

Esther: You’re still talking to Shane?

Stephen: Yes.

Stephen: Not right now, I think he went to bed.

Esther: I’m removing you because I’m done.  I’m moving on.  And I want you to move on too.  I’m not afraid of you.  I want that part of my life that included you to be concluded.

Stephen: Why wouldn’t I?  Since I discovered Dennis didn’t want that job, we tried getting Jeremiah to go.  Btw, I asked Dennis multiple times if he asked Jer if he wanted to go.  He said yes but it was the first time he heard it when we offered it to him.  Moving on?  Is that the only reason?

Esther: Yes.  That’s it.  I’m done.  Life is too short to drag on unnecessary things.

Stephen: Fine, move on.  You didn’t have to remove me from everything.  I respected your wishes and stopped talking to you.  It was unnecessary.

Esther: I don’t have to explain myself to you.

Esther: And you were mean.  You can’t hurt someone and say that you didn’t just because you don’t see it.

Stephen: You don’t.  You’re right.  So, I’ll explain myself to you.  I still have feelings for you and I know you have them for me.  But we both know we won’t get back together.  We’re adults and removing one another is petty.  When I flew here, Shane told me that I should block both of you and move on and that he wasn’t going to let Dennis or you move in with him.  I told him he should give Dennis another chance and he shouldn’t punish Dennis for something that happened between us.  Dennis kept running his mouth to Shane and when he was told that you asked Dennis to stay there, he said “That’s it.”  Everyone deserves a second chance.  I thought leaving the lines open… that was my second chance.  Even though we’re no longer lovers, we could still be friends.  I was a great friend to Dennis.

Stephen: I’m sorry I was mean.  I’d tell you I’ve changed, but it wouldn’t matter.

Esther: “Removing one another is petty” like you removed/blocked Dennis? Lol, I don’t have feelings for you.  It’s unnecessary to leave a line of communication open when I have no plans of using it.  That’s why I removed you.

Stephen: I didn’t block him immediately.  Then I unblocked him.  I gave him the means to reach out to me.  Check for yourself, he can message me on Facebook whenever he wants.  I wanted him to know he’s done me harm and just talk to me, but he avoids me.  During this entire affair, I was the only one who actually apologized.

Esther: Stephen, I don’t care anymore.  This is over.  I’ve made up my mind.

Stephen: I see that.  I get it.  Just know that I treated you poorly.  I should have been a better boyfriend.  You deserved that much.  Before I go, how are you on funds?

Esther: Thanks for the heads up, btw.  I had no idea Shane was telling you all this stuff.  We were going to fly out on the 29th. You saved us a lot of trouble.

Stephen: You weren’t flying out, though.  I know because Shane is going to Arizona.

Stephen: Did Shane tell you that?

Esther:  He didn’t get the job.  That’s what he told us, anyways.

Esther: My funds are my business.

Stephen: He told me today he was going to Arizona.  I asked because I was trying to help Jer.

Stephen: And you are, technically, my business.  Your mom asked me to watch over you.  I’m doing a bad job, admittedly.  I take it you don’t have your GED or DL yet.

Stephen: In fact, he told me he hasn’t spoken to Dennis since he was told you guys were staying.

Esther: Alright, look.  This conversation is ending.  I’m done.  Look, Shane has been lying to the both of us like crazy.  If I were you, I wouldn’t trust him.  But you do you.  He said he didn’t get the job in Arizona and talked shit about you a lot.  Said he wasn’t talking to you at all.  Good luck.

Stephen: Esther, Shane isn’t a liar.  Speak to him yourself on Skype.  I’ll give you his number.

Esther: I have his number.  You don’t have to think he’s a liar.  Good luck with that one.  Idec.

Esther: *she sends a screen shot, showing a conversation between Shane and Dennis*

Stephen: Fine.  I hope he was lying to me and Dennis does get to Texas on the 29th.  This will be the last time we speak unless you decide otherwise.  Good bye, Esther.  I always loved you.

Esther: We aren’t going to Texas.  Dennis and I are staying.  It’s just proof that Shane lied… to all three of us.  Me and Dennis were both going to go on the 29th until you messaged me with info I only discussed with Shane while he was saying he wasn’t talking to you.

Stephen: Seems there are a lot of liars in my old clique.  I’m sorry.

Stephen: Anyways, try to have a nice life.  I’m wishing you the best, even if I’m not in it.  Later.

Esther: I wish you the best too.  I really do.

Stephen: Heh… you’re kind.  That was one of the best things about you.

-------End-------

As you can tell, I’m not very good at good byes.  Fuck.  Fucking god dammit, Tumblr.  This sucks.  This really sucks.  Esther is probably lying about them not going anymore.  Which is fine, didn’t expect them to anyways obviously.

Fuck, I really don’t want to talk to you Tumblr.  I really don’t.  I want to talk to Esther.

Well… I’m crying right now.  Current time is 1:32.  Current time for Esther is 11:32.  This feels weird.  Should I still keep going? Like… do I need a journal?  It’s helped.  It really has.  It’s helping now.  I need an outlet for my frustration and… this is it.

Telling her to go to Tumblr will prove problematic, but fuck it.  When it gets to that point, I’ll let her know.  Since I’m not no longer talking to Esther, allow me to explain everything that just happened. Step by step.

When I said I wasn’t mean to her or Dennis, I guess my mean is different than hers.  Hers is probably more accurate.  Dennis and I… we go way back.  Used to ride the same bus in middle school.  He hated me at first, but I’m a tumor.  I grew on him and we were friends in high school.  After high school, we did a lot together.

Whenever I had to do a dump run, I was sure to bring him or Jeremiah.  Then we’d get food afterwards.  I always paid.

I went out of my way to help Dennis.  I knew he had some serious issues and I supported him best I could.  I’d bust his balls a bit and call it a day.  It’s guy stuff.  He certainly busted mine.  I remember the first time I went to Texas, I posted a short thing about how I was eating KFC alone and how much I missed my wingman.  That wingman was Dennis.  I loved him.

Being mean to him and Esther.  For Esther, I was kind of rough with her. I’m very strong and I had a tendency to hurt her on accident.  As I said, I never hurt her out of anger.  Of course, some of my humor with her was physical.  That sometimes ended up hurting.  Hurting enough for her to think I was mean.  Maybe I was.

Would I call myself abusive?  Idk, maybe.  I’m sure you’re thinking I was abusive.  Again, I didn’t think I was hurting her, hence why she said I didn’t see it.  I don’t think I was abusive.  I was just far too rough.

Anyways, back to the introduction.  I was feeding a lie myself when I said she asked Dennis to stay.  Shane told me they were BOTH afraid of coming to Texas because I was here.  Thus, I twisted it a bit to get her to see Dennis’s messages.  That was my goal there.  Seems there was more to it than that.

I forgot to ask her why she didn’t go with me that first night… Fuck.

I ended with she can ignore me forever after this.  I know her and she’ll only respond if she has to.  When she forgot something, I had to send her a picture to get her to respond for example. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time.  I’m… a waste of time.  I guess she said that, didn’t she?

Whatever.  Her response didn’t tip me off that something was up.  I thought she thought I was talking to him now.  Still kind of weird to ask.

When asking her why and after receiving an answer, I continued to pester by asking if that was the only reason.  It’s because I suspect she was withholding information from me.  She isn’t a liar, but she’ll do that.  When she’s uncomfortable, she’ll only give as much information needed.  Especially if some of that information can lead to a volatile response.

She tries not to be confrontational.  So, I guess me talking to her is something new.  I’m not afraid of confrontation.  I don’t like it, but I’ll definitely do it.  Especially when it’s necessary.

When I said she had feelings for me… that was a reference to our blog called 11.30.2016.  It’s called that because she uses periods instead of slashes for dates.  Oh, and that was when our relationship began.  Almost a year ago from this post.  I guess almost two years for you.  It’s the reason I’m writing this.  I use slashes, of course, because I’m not a barbarian.  The password is “ThatCanBeArranged” to see it.  Good luck, though.  It’s probably already taken down.  I’ll be sure to let you know when it’s taken down.

Looking back at the conversation with her, him telling me to block them both was probably his attempt to try to fix things between us.  Give both sides time before we can be friends again.  I’ll give Shane the benefit of the doubt.  I’ll let you know if anything happens between us, too.

The lines open being my second chance… that was probably not that honest.  I didn’t have a second chance.  I just didn’t want to sound desperate by saying, “Whenever I see your face, it gives me hope.”  She wouldn’t have wanted to hear that.

When I said I changed in response to her saying I was mean.  Yeah.  I really have changed.  This is when I need a second chance.  But, as I said… it wouldn’t matter.

When I blocked Dennis… I didn’t block him until later.  I removed him from EVERYTHING to let him know he fucked up.  Then I apologized for invading his privacy.  Shane told me to.  So… I did.  He told me that I was being ultra petty and we’d look back on it and laugh.  I tried giving Dennis a second chance that he didn’t deserve.  All he could say was, “I don’t know what to say.”  That’s it.  He didn’t engage or anything.  That’s when I blocked him.

Shane told me to do it in person but Esther wouldn’t let me.  At the time I posted something saying how I should kick his ass but I wasn’t going to (that’s literally how it ends: I won’t because it won’t make me happy).  The entire premise was wanting something over something that’d make you happy.  For example, I WANT Esther but it wouldn’t make me happy.  That’s a lie, because I would treasure the fuck out of her.  She would make me happy, but that’s just an example.

Anyways, I ended up unblocking him so he had a line of communication to contact me in the unlikely event that he wants to try to fix things between me and him.  Esther, of course, said Dennis did nothing wrong.  She doesn’t understand men.  She doesn’t understand guy’s with their friends.  He’s supposed to be supportive of our relationship.  If Jeremiah were the one she’d vent to, he’d tell her to “Calm down.  Things aren’t that bad and they can be fixed.”  He wouldn’t have said that I stopped caring for her and then started flirting with her.

Anyways, the idea of unnecessary lines of communication open…  That is total bullshit.  She was most likely concerned that I was trying to reach her through Daniel.  Shane told me that Daniel has been telling Dennis stuff, and he has.  Daniel… unfortunately, has sided with his brother.  That’s predictable.  Daniel cares about his family, even if Dennis doesn’t care about him.

Trust me when I say he doesn’t.  Jealous brother sort of thing.

Anyways, I told her to check so she’d see Dennis’s messages and see some of the lying shit he’s been doing.  I pointed out that I was the only one who ever apologized and she didn’t care.  Her saying this is over… I don’t know.  I wasn’t trying to get her back.  I think she thought I was maybe?

When I said she deserved more, yeah.  That’s totally true.  When I asked about her finances, that was shortened to funds because my phone is dumb and has a limited amount of characters it can send and it’s smaller than a tweet.  Gets shorter with special characters.  If you look back, I’ve added punctuation and merged certain messages, so that’ll be why some are longer than others.

Most of what I was telling her was me trying to get her to doubt Dennis. I’ll talk to Shane, maybe it’s Dennis who is lying to her.  What she sent for a screen shot was taken by a phone showing Dennis’s computer.  Obviously, Dennis was a part of this conversation.

I should have called.  Of course, harder to get a transcript that way but it’d prevent too much interference from Dennis.  It’s always possible I was talking to Dennis, too.

Her telling me her finances are her business, that’s totally true. It’s a random response.  Thing is, I know she’s losing money because of all the pot.  For those who don’t know what a GED and a DL is, GED is a high school diploma equivalent and a DL is a driver’s license.  I know she didn’t get it because the 29th was when she was leaving.

When I said I hope he wasn’t lying to me and Dennis goes to Texas, that was more me just being spiteful.  I’d prefer if he didn’t, honestly.  After all he’s done, I’m tired of his shit.  He deserves to not get money for anything.

Saying there are a lot of liars in my old clique was just me referencing Dennis.

Finally, when I told her I wished her the best, I genuinely meant it.  And when she told me she wished me the best?  I know she meant that.

Esther is a kind and gentle soul.  Since this is going straight to Tumblr, I’d prefer you to not call her a whore or a dumb bitch, despite what I’ve called her.  She acts stupid… so you can call her stupid.  Just know, she’s smarter than she seems.  Right now has been a terrible example, but she learns quick.  Very attentive.  Just gullible.  She’s a learner, unfortunately, so she’ll believe everything she’s told.

It’s not her fault.  She’s young and beautiful but gullible and surprisingly stubborn.  Bad time for me to say, “Don’t shit on Esther!”  I probably won’t manage the comment section because I won’t know how to run it or manage it, so expect anarchy where you get to speak.  She’s a good person.  I’m not saying this because I still love her but because I know her.

She has a good heart.  I promise.

Anyways, seems she hasn’t deleted the blog yet.  I’m concerned about that because she had a blog with her ex and deleted it sometime during our relationship.  As much as it pains me, Dennis and her are now a thing.  I hope their relationship fails, because I’m petty.  I’m probably not going to be her shoulder to cry on because Esther is proud.  She probably also won’t want me to try to get back with her.

Probably smart.

The last post she posted on the blog… June Second.  The summer killed my relationship.  Fucking hell.

Ah, well.  If it’s not time to move on, it’s at least time for bed. I’ve wiped my own tears and it’s 2 in the morning.  For those worried the blog is going to end soon, I guess it won’t.  Not for a while at least.  I don’t know how long it’ll last.  I’m no longer talking to Esther… I mean, I didn’t expect her to read this but now that I know for certain that she won’t.  That changes. It’s weird.  Like three fourths of me said she wouldn’t but that last fourth said, “Who knows?”

Well… I know.  I now know.  And it sucks.

Esther was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I took her for granted. Honestly, I’m legitimately feeling suicidal but I won’t try anything.  The only thing that’d could potentially kill me right now is if I jumped out my window.  And even then, I’d probably just bounce.  Everything from here will be considered a part of yesterday despite being past midnight.

I love you, Esther.  Good night.  Good bye.