#fuck you Andrew Wilson

[csphire]

No hate to those in the fandom who manage to get some enjoyment out of Veilguard. Most of us who are raging here just feel we all deserved better and are mourning what could have been.

A lot of us were expecting Dragon Age: Inquisition 2.0. By that, I mean at the very least the same quality of choices for a RPG, immersion in an open world to wander, music that moves us, clever writing, and attention to detail regarding the lore that we had in Inquisition.

Most of all it should have NEVER been in development for five years as a live service game. Period. So...

[lizzybeeee]

You absolute buffoon. You troglodyte. You've been swimming in your Scrooge McDuck money pool so long that whatever fucking brains you had are jammed with coins and its dribbling out of your gaping mouth you dingus. You are the moral equivalent of a leech and have brain capacity smaller than fucking whoville.

[dorothylarouge]

US Presidents as Dril Tweets

George Washington: another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it

John Adams: "ah boo hoo hoo i want to post Foul comments to content leaders" Fat Chance, Dimwit. I will annihilate you under bulwark of the Law and God.

Thomas Jefferson: Q: If your post was proven by a counsil of wise men to be racist, or bullshit, would you bar it from the record? A: I do not delete my posts

James Madison: (sniffing a crumpled up one dollar bill i found on the floor of a dog kennel) ah.. thats greenbacks baby

James Monroe: for decades i have traversed the unforgiving mountains and rivers of south america, hoping to catch a glimpse of the fabled "ass downloader"

John Quincy Adams: "This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit

Andrew Jackson: handing Faves over to my enemies is FRAUD !! base, contemptible FRAUD!

Martin Van Buren: Food $200

Data $150

Rent $800

Candles $3,600

Utility $150

someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

William Henry Harrison: (spends all of 7 seconds skimming some blog posts) yep. just as i knew all along. having pnuamonia is good

John Tyler: fuck "jokes". everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this

James K. Polk: thhere is no such thing as charisma, and art is fake. the only metrics by which we must determine the worth of a man are Strength and Wisdom

Zachary Taylor: the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers tell me that im dying

Millard Fillmore: trying to heal..... please donate to my go fund me... $10 will make me less racist... $100 will make me extremely less racist...thank you...

Franklin Pierce: blocked. blocked. blocked. youre all blocked. none of you are free of sin

James Buchanan: #NationalGirlfriendDay please cherish your gal's.. in honor of us, the single Boys who must sacrifice all companionship to #CarryTheBrand...

Abraham Lincoln: unloading an entire belt of ammo at me with a minigun or some such device will now get you "Blocked"

Andrew Johnson: who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off

Ulysses S. Grant: i regret being tasked the emotional burden of maintaining the final bastion of morality and Nice manners in this endless ocean of human SHIT

Rutherford B. Hayes: using the toilet when i hear Our national anthem start to play. i do what i must. i stand tall in complete agony; as shit runs down my leg,

James A. Garfield: too much truth in such little time. feeling the heat cominh down to silence me... signing off........ for now

Chester A. Arthur: i WILL wise the fuck up. i WILL super charge my content for 2017. i WILL get blue check mark

Grover Cleveland: the way i see it, people who come on here and submit content that is not up to par, could possibly be considered the "Villains" of this site

Benjamin Harrison: i help every body, im not racist, i keep myself nice, and when i ask for a single re-tweet in return i am told to fuck off, fuck myself, etc

William McKinley: boy oh boy do i love purchasing large amounnts of Fool's Gold. wait a minute... fools gold fucking sucks. this stuff is no good..!! Fuck !!!

Theodore Roosevelt: IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL

William H. Taft: ah.. the perfect Souffle! cant wait to dig in to t(*EVERY PIPE IN MY HOUSE EXPLODES AT THE SAME TIME, COVERING ME IN SHIT AND BOILING WATER*

Woodrow Wilson: the conflicted supersoldier stares over the horizon as he smokes a cigarette. "war is the most fucked up thing ever." he takes a sip of beer

Warren G. Harding: somebody please Bribe me

Calvin Coolidge: aggressively joyless oaf hhere. painfully obnoxious respect demander checkign in. extremely dim witted frowning man looking for pals

Herbert Hoover: it is really quite astonishing that I have yet to win The Lottery, given how good I am at selecting six numbers and saying them out loud

Franklin D. Roosevelt: ive never heard of this “europe” but it sounds like a big bunch of shit to me

Harry Truman: everybody wants to be the guy to write the tweet that solves racism once and for all because it would look good as hell on a resume

Dwight D. Eisenhower: my "F*&k It!! Let's Go Golfin" t-shirt maintains a tenacious stranglehold on my life. after 1,125 days of Golf my body is twisted, deformed

John F. Kennedy: when you do sutuff like... shoot my jaw clean off of my face with a sniper rifle, it mostly reflects poorly on your self

Lyndon B. Johnson: incredibly handsome , charismatic famous boy credited with ending income inequality after saying that slumlords should be called "dumblords"

Richard Nixon: i attribute the complete failure of my brand to the actions of detractors, oor my “trolls”, as it were, as well as my own constant fuckups

Gerald Ford: shutting computer down until the shitty moods & attitudes can fuck off., if you need me ill be on my other computer, sititng 60° to my right

Jimmy Carter: i warnned you all that bad things would happen if you kept letting your wives wear jeans. AND NOW LOOK! the damn gas prices are up again

Ronald Reagan: spend a lot of time thinking about how sometimes even war criminals can be heroes sometimes... Dont like it? Click the unfollow buttobn

George H.W. Bush: just thought off an idea i believe to be bad ass. lets find the address of the leader of isis, and mail him/ her pieces of our SHIT

Bill Clinton: were at the point now, that when i offer to impregnate my girl followers, people assume my motives are sexual. disgusting, grow the fuck up,

George W. Bush: friday night gathering up together a big pile of things i like to respect (flags, crucifixes ,etc) and just roll around in it ,give kisses,

Barack Obama: my IQ has increased 10 points ever since i stopped tollerating people mucking about, on the time line

Donald Trump: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.

ME: I agree

Joe Biden: I will shut the fuck up , IF , it will restore the Harmony. I will get on my knees like a dog and make that sacrifice, for the sake of Calm

[librababe99]

Hi Loves! This will be my first time EVER participating in Kinktober and honestly i'm so excited to do this🤭 Below I will be posting my lineup.

❥・All of these stories will be "Character x Reader" and I promise there won't be any use of Y/N.

❥・Female Reader or Gender Neutral Reader will be featured.

❥・ If you'd like, you can comment your choices below and I will tag you OR use this link: CLICK HERE

Logan Howlett x Reader: Knife Play (ft. Claws)

Scott Summers x Reader: Sensory Deprivation

Old Man!Logan x Fem!Reader: Pregnancy kink

Young!Charles Xavier x Fem!Reader: Face sitting

Remy Lebeau x Virgin! Reader: Praise kink

Young!Erik Lensherr x Fem!Reader: Threesome (Ft. Charles)

Hank McCoy x Fem!Reader: Cunnilingus

Wade Wilson x Reader: Dom/Sub, Lingerie

Piotr Rasputin (Colossus) x Reader: Thigh Riding

Miguel O'Hara x Fem!Reader: Breeding

Tony Stark x Fem!Reader: Infidelity

Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader: Breast worship, titty fucking

Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader: Period Sex

Loki x Fem! Reader: Seduction, Body Worship, Collaring

Victor Von Doom (RDJs vers.) x Reader: Corruption

Peter Parker x Reader (Andrew Garfield's vers.): Bondage

Johnny Storm x Reader: Wax play, temperature play

Reed Richards x Reader: Sex Pollen

Jason Todd x Fem!Reader: Mirror Sex

Dick Grayson x Fem!Reader: Shower sex, deep throating

Bruce Wayne x Fem!Reader: bimbofication

Clark Kent x Reader: Breath play, choking

Hal Jordan x Reader: Drunk / anonymous sex

Billy Butcher x Fem!Reader: Brat Taming

Soldier Boy x Fem!Reader: BDSM, Sadism/masochism

Homelander x Reader: Somnophilia (Sleep sex)

Joel Miller x Fem!Reader: Edging, orgasm denial

Javier Peña x Fem!Reader: Lap dances, Rough sex

Jack Reacher (Alan Ritchson's vers.) x Fem! Reader: Size kink, overstimulation, creampie

Old Man! Logan x Fem! Reader: Food play (ft. Whipped Cream)

Logan Howlett x Fem!Reader: Roleplay, Hunter/Prey

[mornington-the-crescent]

The Poll

So, for those who don’t know, I put up a poll of, “Who was the worst American President?” The list was FDR, Woodrow Wilson, Lyndon Johnson, Herbert Hoover, and Richard Nixon. It got up to about 13k notes before I deleted it, because I was tired of the notes clogging up my feed. And the results were... telling.

About 75-80% of all the notes were, “Where is Reagan/Andrew Jackson?!?” Many of the rest, though, can be seen below:

What this tells me is that more than ten thousand people didn’t have an education; they had an indoctrination.

You want to hear it? All right, buckle up, because it’s time for a stroll down memory lane.

Why was FDR a bad president?

It is almost hard to know where to begin with this. Let’s start with one of the most basic ones: The belief that FDR got us out of the Depression.

Point of fact, No the fuck he did not.

Making American Depressed

If you ask almost any historian or economist, they will tell you flat-out that not only did the New Deal not end the Great Depression, but that it made it significantly longer and worse than it would have been otherwise. Hoover bears some of the blame for this, but the pseudo-socialist dogshit that was the New Deal bears the brunt of the blame for this one.

The stock market crashed in late October, 1929. Two months later, unemployment peaked at 9%. Over the next several months, unemployment started to fall, down to 5-6% by the spring of the next year. Half a year after the crash, unemployment had not hit double digits. Hoover’s intervention, though, did cause unemployment to reach double digits. Roosevelt was elected in 1932 and took office in 1933, and unemployment did not fall out of double digits for the remainder of the 1930′s. The thing that actually pulled the US out of the Depression was the second World War; turns out that removing roughly 12 million people from the labor force to go and fight does wonders for unemployment numbers. FDR even said that Doctor New Deal was replaced by Doctor Win-The-War.

This was hardly the first economic downturn in American history. For the first 150 years of this country, there were downturns all the time. And what the government did was nothing, and the economy recovered on its own. But Roosevelt represents the first massive large-scale intervention in the economy. And government intervention in the economy slows economic recovery; when you have no idea what the government is going to do tomorrow in regards to the economy, it’s hard to make smart financial decisions, so you just don’t bother. After all, why do anything if tomorrow, the rules of the game are going to change?

Separation of Powers Who?

FDR issued more executive orders than any other President of the 20th century. He may, in fact, have issued more than all the other Presidents of the 20th century combined. Rather than letting Congress, the legislative branch of government, you know, legislate, he preferred to try to do everything himself.

The President is supposed to be the weakest branch of the government, but Roosevelt did everything he could to try to establish its supremacy over the other branches. When Congress didn’t give him his way, he used executive orders. When the Supreme Court challenged some of his acts as unconstitutional, his response was to threaten to have them replaced, or to simply pack the court with judges more sympathetic to his aims. This is a man who was openly contemptuous of the concept of the rule of law.

Here’s a fun entry from the notes:

Hey, you want to talk about fascists? Actual, honest-to-goodness Fascists, not just the modern definition (i.e. anyone a nanometer to the right of Noam Chomsky)? Let’s talk about the originals. Let’s talk about the inventor of Fascism, Benito motherfucking Mussolini. And how FDR openly admired him, and was “deeply impressed by what he has accomplished”, calling Fascism the “cleanest, most efficiently operating piece of social machinery [he had] ever seen”, and that it made him “envious”. And Mussolini, for his part, said of Roosevelt that, “Reminiscent of Fascism is the principle that the state no longer leaves the economy to its own devices … Without question, the mood accompanying this sea change resembles that of Fascism.”

When the guy who fucking invented Fascism is saying that he thinks that you are also doing Fascism, then maybe you’re not a good person.

Concentration- I Mean, Internment Camps

And just like his buddies on the other side of the Atlantic, right when World War 2 kicked off, Roosevelt thought it would be a good idea to take “undesirables” and throw them into prison camps. Roughly 20 thousand Italian- and German-Americans, American citizens, were thrown into camps, simply for the crime of having ancestors from countries we were at war with. And then, of course, there’s the 120 thousand Japanese-Americans who were likewise rounded up and put into prison camps, two thirds of whom were natural-born American citizens.

Almost 150 thousand American citizens, thrown into literal concentration camps, without the bother and expense of due process, stripped of their constitutional rights simply on the basis of race.

As for the concentration camps set up in Europe by the Nazis, however? Despite being told of their existence by people who had escaped, as well as journalists and lawyers from Germany, once American planes gained the ability to attack those camps, to shut them down? FDR refused to grant them permission to do so.

Commander in Thief

Executive Order 6102 outlawed the private ownership of gold, allowing the government to confiscate all of it. Once that was accomplished, the Gold Reserve Act allowed him to change the value of gold, debasing America’s currency (which was on a gold standard at the time), which permitted him to steal literally billions of dollars from American citizens, without any compensation.

World War, Too

There is evidence to suggest that Roosevelt knew about the imminent attack on America by Japan in December of 1941. He discussed with several high-ranking people in the War Department, and in his own cabinet, how to get Japan to fire the first shot in the war, so that he could get America involved. It would make sense: His oil embargo was designed to provoke a Japanese response, so as to draw America into the war. And once America was in the war, ordered the Philippines to be abandoned, outright lying that there was an army waiting to retake it once it had been conquered by Japan.

And as the war dragged on, he got quite cozy with Uncle Joe, Stalin himself. He helped to repatriate two million people to Russia, who very much did not want to go back, many of them ending up either in the gulags, or simply killed outright. And his constant concessions to Stalin helped the Soviet Union hold on to eastern Europe, setting the stage for the Cold War. Even when he was informed of Soviet spies within the American government, and provided evidence of their disloyalty and subversion, he simply let them keep at it.

Racism, Racism, and more Racism

Remember how you cheered when lynching was made a federal crime a few months ago, and asked why it hadn’t been done before now? Well, the main reason was good ol’ FDR himself. A bill was proposed in the Congress which would have made lynching a federal crime, and Roosevelt refused to pass it.

Or what about during the Olympic games in Berlin, when black athletes from America took home multiple gold medals? Roosevelt invited the white athletes to the White House, but not a single black one. Jesse Owens, who won four gold medals, said, “Hitler didn’t snub me --- it was [Roosevelt] who snubbed me. The president didn’t even send me a telegram.”

And then there was his nomination of a KKK member to the Supreme Court; Hugo Black, who had zero judicial experience, was nominated simply because he supported the New Deal.

He also was of the opinion that America was, and ought to remain, a white and Protestant country, and that too many Jews was inherently a bad thing, because of how distasteful he found them. He boasted that there was no Jewish blood in his veins, as a mark of pride. He even went so far as to turn away ships of Jewish refugees, fleeing Nazi tyranny in Europe.

In conclusion

FDR was a massive piece of shit. He massively overstepped his constitutionally-appointed bounds at every available opportunity, massively expanding the power of the Presidency at the expense of all other parts of government, and at the expense of individual liberty. He was openly racist and anti-Semitic. His economic policies brought ruin upon the American economy. He openly praised fascism right up until the moment that it was no longer politically expedient to do so, and switched to deferring to authoritarian communism instead. Almost everything that you hate about the modern United States can be traced directly back to this one man.

The fact that he is remembered as not just a good President, but one of the best Presidents, shows how utterly broken American education is.

[angry-kid-with-no-money]

Gang I finished the golden raven, it's been a very bitty read so the thoughts that stuck out to me most, as follows:

THEY BURNT THE FUCKING HOUSE DOWN

Insane but likely very realistic how many ravens killed themselves

Andrews fractured collarbone? He is going to be such a menance during recovery

"Whose rules?" "Says who, the deal kid?" "The rules have changed now" always special to me

Theaaaaa pspspsp come back bbg I'll treat you better than he can

Jabberwocky is so cuteeee I forgot how much I love that poem, and they gave the dog his surname, that's so special to me with jeans "I am a moreau I will endure" bc so is jabber now aww

Jean talking to laila about elodie my heart- we know more about her know, she liked blackberries and sandcastles and ladybugs and faerie tales, and he used to braid her hair

Tanner and Wilson are my favourite side characters

The ravens we get just that bit more info on are such gorgeously complex characters

Ahh I'll add more later, I'm going to unblock my spoilers tags now, yipeee

[ravioliage]

yeah I feel like EA is going to make bioware turn Mass effect 5 into a life service game.

also can people be more clear on BioWare leadership? people blame them but they don't say names of those leadership usually and make it seem like it's the entire studio.

I honestly don't know what they will do to Mass Effect 5, because Andrew Wilson just... says things.

I think he has a boner for wanting to make EA's Destiny 2. But now that Destiny 2 is going through exactly what you expect to happen when you fire all QA and writers, it's going to be fun to see where live service games are in 5 years. With economy in shambles and people having less and less time as they focus on survival. Majority of live service game attempts in the last six years have failed horrifically, so I have no idea what the fuck he's saying.

As for the second part, we don't have any names (cept for Andrew). That is very much on purpose. They wear masks as they shove the names we know into meat grinders, taking no responsibility. They have no social media presence and they are the ones who don't care about the fans. Anti-art dickheads.

The devs aren't going to name names, either. But how you get shunned from the industry if you even dare to mention a fuck in leadership by name... is an angry post for another day as it hits close to home. People want to keep their jobs and future job opportunities.

Also the fandom is stupid and it is clear who has and hasn't worked at a job with a hierarchy. The amount of fighting the devs did to get Veilguard out as it is now was most likely absolutely insane.

A huge chunk of the fandom also forgets to remember the human. Forgets that games are made by passionate people who care immensly and want their stories told who are every day cucked by upper management and have to make sacrifices so executives can afford another yacht. ($60 million dollars went to the execs with Veilguard. Makes you want to shit blood, don't it)

Also I'm still not over how some scum treated Epler because of a few jokes he made in the AMA. BioWare devs have been way too kind to dipshits online. I would just start calling people cunts lol.

Tldr it's easier to blame "John Bioware" for allegedly shitting on your uvula with surgical precision. It's much harder to acknowledge the humans stuck in a capitalistic hellhole trying to do their best and show an ounce of sympathy to them and to sit down and appreciate that every single asset you see in the game was made by a human.

[csphire]

YES! I hate how much the romanced end relies on Lavellan just being ok with everything Solas has done. Including things he's done directly to her or to her friends. I've had fellow Solavellans coming at me because their Lavellan forgives him whole heartedly and it all feels like they're being completely dismissive of any desire for an option for the inquisitor to be hurt or angry. I feel like we can feel bad for Solas but acknowledge that most people would be hurt by his actions and Lavellan isn't cruel or disloyal if she draws a line or, heaven forbid, expresses an emotion that isn't immediate grace and forgiveness.

It's sad when some don't want to face the reality of what's being presented and choose to ignore that what Solas did to Varric was inexcusable. As a Solavellan fan, the whole of Veilguard feels icky to me because of this. One can perhaps overlook Solas killing Felassan because it happened while he was in his deep sleep and he did not understand the current state of the world yet or why Felassan refused to help him. I even had, at one point, a tinfoil hat theory that Solas was always a spirit and had taken over the body of Felassan at that moment instead of killing him. That it was another reason why he did not sleep with Lavellan was because the body he was in was his friend's which he would have to relinquish eventually. But I digress. It was wishful thinking. In Inquisition, we watch Solas potentially grow into a better person thanks to the Inquisitor only for him to backslide in the next game. In Veilguard Solas REPEATS his mistake, killing another friend only this time it's one of Lavellan's too. This should be alarming. Easily Solas had the upper hand in that final confrontation. Last time I checked stabbing someone is red flag behavior and it's messed up that the developers did not give Varric's death the full weight it deserved. Lavellan's seeming lack of mourning for her friend feels like it shoehorns her and us the player into him being not as close of a friend as we would all like to think he was. Plus it romanticizes the dangerous messages of "Our love will conquer all" or "Oh but he won't hurt me." I personally expected better from BioWare and killing off Varric for a cheap plot twist was an incredibly stupid and toxic idea.

[yes-these-obsessions-are-healthy]

Just realized something about Andrew Wilson saying that Veilguard would’ve sold better if it was a live service game.

So let me get this straight, EA/Bioware. You had a good idea going, Project Joplin, which you scrapped for Project Morrison—the live service game MMO.. and between that trashcanned dumpster fire and the product we got, the execs and heads of the studio and everyone else calling the shots in EA kept rolling with the idea that it was smart to destroy and retcon and undermine the Dragon Age world and its lore in the process? To pull off a Fallout 76? Am I getting this right?

I don’t think I need to tell you that even if it was a shitty ass live service MMO, you could’ve still remained true to the lore. That is never an either-or decision. Anyone who says otherwise is a loser and a coward. And even besides that, I also don’t think I need to tell you that even if it was released as an MMO with most of Veilguard’s official dialogue, gamers do not like to be babied and talked down to regardless. Genshin Impact, FFXIV, and even fucking Runescape don’t treat its players like idiots that need everything repeated five times in one conversation, so either EA/Bioware underestimates the average gamer’s mental capacity or.. they didn’t think to rewrite and rerecord the dozens upon dozens of instances like this that you can find in the game.

“Oh just write it like everyone who’s gonna play this game is touching Dragon Age for the very first time”. DRAGON AGE ISN’T FINAL FANTASY.

Absolute bullshit.

[tanadrin]

A challenge: which unimportant US presidential election would you go back in time to change the outcome of? You can't name any of the top 20 genuinely history-defining elections; it has to be a relatively forgotten one.

It's sort of a contradiction, right? Like by definition elections that have outcomes interesting enough to change are excluded. Some elections which might feel like trivia to most people, like the 1876 one that ended Reconstruction, would probably still be rated as pretty highly consequential by historians. Elections like the 2000 election, which didn't seem like it would be extremely consequential at the time, are now widely agreed to be hugely consequential. And it's hard to know how very recent elections, which are important to us, might go down in history.

I am also assuming I only get to pick between the actual major-party nominees--that I don't get to fiddle with the nomination process at all, and very minor candidates don't have a shot. So depending on how you define the "top 20 most consequential elections" I might pick (besides 2000 and 1876)

1912, because Woodrow Wilson was a phenomenally racist son of a bitch (but this might be too close to World War I to not be "history-defining"), and a third-party win by Roosevelt would be fun.

1920, because Warren G. Harding was just a really bad president

1900 or 1896, because William Jennings Bryan winning would be a fun alternate history scenario

1824, because Andrew Jackson was also a huge asshole

1988, because I like Dukakis better, and to reduce the political weight of the Bush family name

1984, because I dislike Reagan, and it would be a huge upset (fun!)

1980, because again fuck Reagan, and I like Jimmy Carter (even though objectively he was not a terribly effective president)

1968, because Richard Nixon was kind of a disaster for how we think about the American presidency

1952, because Adlai Stevenson seems fun, and somewhat less of a paranoid anti-communist that most Republicans (including Eisenhower) at the time.

[splashgal]

Bridgerton Recap- 1x5: 'The Duke And I'

We open with frenetic shots of Daphne getting out of her muddy clothes, presumably from the end of the last episode. She kicks off her boots, gets her nightgown on and climbs into bed moments before Rose comes in to wake her up. Wait, didn’t her three idiot brothers come stumbling in with her at the same time? How could there have been any ‘sneaking’ going on? Anyway, Daphne fake yawns and asks if Lady Violet is awake yet.

Lady Violet is at least mostly upright. She’s in the drawing room in her dressing gown, being tended to by Mrs. Wilson. She hungover as fuck, you guys. If you’ll remember, when last we saw her, Colin was escorting her home from the Trowbridge Ball, where she had been pounding champagne every time she saw one of her kids making a bad choice. She is saying she didn’t overindulge and it's just that she didn’t sleep well. Mrs. Wilson totters off to fetch a glass of raw eggs and garlic, which sounds heinous, but my hangover food has always been cold lo mein and chocolate milk, so I guess to each their own.

Daphne comes into the room, and Violet asks if Daphne is feeling better, since she left the party early, and then proceeds to try and say that she might have caught it too, since she has this terrible headache. Daphne hems and haws for a few seconds before announcing she is engaged. Violet, for all intents and purposes, looks like she is going to dry heave on her fashionable and expensive rug. ‘Well, that is wonderful news. So, you will be a princess.’ She says it with the same level of enthusiasm as someone who announces they can’t make book club because of a colonoscopy. Trust me.

‘No,’ Daphne corrects, and Violet just repeats her, clearly not understanding the words. Daphne tells her she is engaged to the Duke. Violet’s face lights up for a second, before noticing Daphne does not seem very excited about this news. She very pragmatically states ‘I am overjoyed’. Violet gets up and starts babbling about how she knew there was something between Daphne and Simon and then grabs a tiny fan and starts fanning herself, because the room is now spinning. Guys, is she actually still drunk? She asks Daphne how she feels, and her daughter replies with a flat expression, ‘so in love’. Hee. She doesn’t want to wait to marry, she wants to marry now. That sets off alarm bells in Violet’s head. Daphne starts to confess to her mother about what happened, but Violet cuts her off, rambles for a while and then basically says Edmund hit it before they were hitched too. Give us the prequel series for these two, Netflix! Mrs. Wilson comes in with the raw egg thing and Lady Bridgerton says she feels much better and they have a wedding to plan in three days! Mrs. Wilson’s face clearly says ‘This fucking family’. Girl, you have no idea yet. Violet declares that Daphne is getting what she always wanted- ‘You are marrying for love!’ Daphne looks like she might need some of my lo mein and chocolate milk.

I’ve written over five hundred words and we are three minutes in. Why do I do this?

Title card, not theme music. Boo.

Dame Julie Andrews is telling us that modesty is a virtue, and yada yada yada- she never doubted it, whatever it is. Queen Charlotte is striding down a hallway in a wig that looks like a braided mop. It’s a choice I guess. It will be the grandest wedding! Tulips and the finest silks! Pink macaroons and a million balloons and performing baboons! Here comes Brimsley, running to catch up to her. I love him. He fills me with almost as much joy as tiny Gregory. He’s got a Lady Whistledown sheet in his hands. The Queen is still waxing betrothal. Brimsley hands over the sheet as the Queen asks what she wrote about the Prince and Daphne. Dame Julie announces that Daphne is engaged to the Duke of Hastings! Aw, the cute Prince comes toward them and stops when he sees them all standing there. ‘Has something happened?’ he asks. I do appreciate the consistent refusal on this show to make the ‘other love interest’ an asshole. It would be a very easy well to fall into.

What I recognize as the Lady Whistledown music kicks up on the soundtrack as we head over to Daphne’s room, where she’s pacing as Rose tries to fasten her gown. Girl, stand still! She needs a dress, and a trousseau and…that’s all she can remember. Rose assures her she will take care of everything. I had thought trousseau was basically a new wardrobe for married ladies, but when I googled it, it talked about linens and things she would bring to her new home. So women were expected to provide their own bedsheets? The fuck? Rose tells Daphne she will be a Duchess by Saturday, and Daphne turns and looks at her as if she just poured Violet’s raw egg drink over her head. Shady Whistledown is declaring there are only two reasons to race to the altar in this way: true love or to conceal a scandal!

Every female in the Bridger-Home is coming down the stairs together for some reason. Hyacinth asks how it feels to be in love, and Eloise answers that it feels like falling off a cliff and shattering on the ground. Oh, it’s early in the episode for me to already want to smack her. Daphne sidesteps Hy and says that El will know what love feels like next season (spoiler!), and Eloise scoffs at her, and then Daphne finally snaps at her sister that her match helps dictate El’s own chances, which is true, but also bullshit. We get no warning on Humboldt coming, but suddenly he is here, announcing the Prince has come to call. Oh shoot, I knew she forgot to do something.

Cut to the room Benedict was drawing in a couple episodes ago, and this might be Colin’s study from season three actually now that I’m looking at it. I’m sure someone smarter than me can tell me in the comments! Anyway, Daphne is apologizing to the Prince, and he is being pretty gracious, even though he seems confused. He asks if this engagement is of her own free will, and Daphne, dumb Bridgerton that she is, says ‘Forcing me? My goodness, if anything I am the one forcing him!’ Much better, Daph! The Prince seems confused and troubled now. She tells him nothing could stand between she and Simon, not even the Prince. He kisses her hand and leaves, walking past a spying Hyacinth. She pops out from behind a door and declares that she hopes Simon’s proposal was half as romantic as that. Wah wh.

Daphne, Violet, and Lady Danbury are all at the park, waiting for Simon. He’s late, but Violet spots him, striding toward them in all his Darcy edginess, forest green cravat tied so loosely it looks like a scarf. I start to rant about the timeline to splashguy again, and he instead tries to draw my attention to Lady Danbury’s purple velvet wizard pimp miniature top hat.

Anyway, Agatha is pretty annoyed with Simon, but Violet is trying to be gracious. Danbury accuses him of being hammered before they start to promenade. Daphne tries to make conversation about raw eggs and garlic. Aw, she really is trying and his face is just…dead. She demands that he look at her, and just as he’s about to say something, they’re interrupted by Random Assholes of the Ton (RATs for short). They are just here to talk about how they’re soo popular and their kids will be soo beautiful. She reaches for Simon’s hand, but he pulls away. In like a really noticeable way. Violet is in a full on panic, babbling that it’s the nerves of new love. ‘Or something like it,” Lady Danbury mutters. Hit him with your cane! This is another one of those scenes where everyone looks very cold.

We are with Anthony at Sienna’s house. Madame Delacroix answers and blocks him from entering. He calls out loudly that he does want to take care of Sienna, but Genevieve tells him he’s too late and she’s gone and doesn’t need anything from him. He asks where she went and Gen gets in his face and tells him to leave Sienna alone. She slams the door in his face and we get an extreme closeup of his weird, pointy sideburns and my husband makes a Wolverine joke. Because he’s a dork. My husband, that is. Although, Anthony too.

Feather-House! Portia comes stomping into the drawing room and gets all up in Archie’s grill. Varley had trouble at the modiste this morning. Oh no, did she try to call on Sienna too? Oh no, it turns out their bill is past due. Archie seems unbothered. He has a pipe, you guys. I kinda like him more now. Anyway, he says these girls have a lot of clothes, they can wear them all again. Portia looks like she wants to skin him alive, but just grabs at his pipe and threatens to take away his tobacco. Aw man, just when I was starting to like him too.

The Feather-version of Humboldt (Feather-Boldt maybe?) comes in and announces Colin. Marina does a pretty Galinda-worthy hair toss while Pen looks like she wants to stab her with her embroidery needle. Colin comes in, wearing a very bright turquoise cravat. Marina simpers at the flowers he’s brought her and he thanks her for faking her surprise each time he hands some over. Yeah, she’s pretty good at faking, dude. Pen is looking at them with so much contempt. Colin says he will need to bring her something unexpected, like a bushel of tomatoes. He’s pretty cute, you guys. Marina giggles for a moment before Pen interjects that Marina hates tomatoes. What? Who hates tomatoes? Does that mean she doesn’t like pizza? What’s that? She will never in her life taste pizza? Oh, gotcha.

Anyway, Marina calls Pen a liar, she lurrrrrves tomatoes. Pen cracks my shit up by saying, ‘Colin, you know where I have heard you can get excellent tomatoes? Greece’. It has such an air of ‘don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you’. Colin, to the surprise of no one, seems a little slow on the uptake, but Marina notices at once what Pen is doing. She goes on to say that he should bring back tomatoes for Marina when he goes to Greece, since he has already said he is going to Greece, and he was so excited to go to Greece, and when is he leaving for Greece already? He counters that he is uncertain of his travels, (calling her ‘Pen’ for the third time in the series to date I believe) before turning back to Marina, but Pen works for the Greek Board of Tourism now I guess. Go to Greece! It’s beautiful! Did you know they filmed ‘Mamma Mia!’ there?! Now she’s pushed Colin enough that he states if he were to go to Greece, there might be things he would miss more than travel, his eyes on Marina.

Portia chooses this moment to offer him tea, and something about her tone makes me think he should ask Feather-Boldt to taste it first. Portia takes her leave, Pen hot on her heels. She asks her mom if this is wise, wasting time on someone so young who will not be interested in marriage when Marina doesn’t have that kind of time on her hands. You’re right Pen; is Colin the type of guy to stop one proposal to a girl, finger blast her, make his own proposal, get a house, and impregnate her in twenty-four hours? Portia and Penelope both look at Colin. Man, Penelope is very good at manipulation. I wish they were more up front about it sometimes. She’s a sly fox. Who wants you to visit Greece!

We cut to- ooh! Food porn! You guys, I could literally watch hours of close up shots of people cooking. Sometimes I listen to kitchen-based ASMR to go to sleep. It’s very soothing. Anyway, over at Bridger-Home, the staff are preparing for the wedding. They’re sifting and stamping out biscuits and hustling around. Mrs. Wilson is giving Rose a run-down on how to be like her, and make all of Daphne’s dreams come true. She turns to bitch out a pastry chef (you can tell because of the hat and the neckerchief) who is using a rolling pin on top of a cake (huh?) that the icing must be perfectly white because Daphne isn’t a whore. Chef says there’s no fine sugar to be had in all of London. Wait, so they used brown sugar? What the heck is happening here? This looks like rolled fondant!

Before I’m allowed to break down how fondant is made for the three of you that read this, there’s another maid here to ask Rose about flowers, and then the chef wants to know what kind of booze the cake should be soaked in. The cake is already covered in fondant! You can’t soak it now! Yet a third person asks if the sandwiches for the reception should be tongue or ham and egg. Ooh, tough choice. Rose doesn’t know about Daphne’s preference for lilacs or rum or tongue, which Mrs. Wilson shames her about I guess.

Over at the modiste, it looks like Genevieve has fled contact with one Bridgerton only to have to deal with another. Daphne is getting alterations done to her wedding dress, as Gen promises her she will not be disappointed in the final product. Violet is ordering other items as Daphne stares at her reflection blankly. When her mom mentions nightdresses, Daphne snaps back to reality and laughingly asks what she could possibly need with that many new nightdresses. Madame Delacroix informs her that they’re not for her, but for Simon. Violet assures her it will be a ‘special time’. You might want to give her more of an idea of…no? Okay, then.

Cressida comes in and Daphne all but grabs her and pulls her aside to pretend to talk about fabric, claiming her taste is ‘impeccable’. You might be overselling there, Daph. She asks about the fabric for her jacket, but then pulls out lace. Huh? Cressida smoothly answers that it depends on how much time she plans to spend outdoors, as she and Simon do seem to like to go outside together in the middle of the night in the middle of a hedgemaze. If you catch her drift. Okay, so neither of these girls are subtle then. When Daphne tries to say that Cressida is mistaken, our villian doubles down, and says specifically that she say Daphne and the Duke outside at the crazy sex party thing they went to either yesterday or two weeks ago, because the timeline of this show is fucked and I can’t do anything about it. Daphne tries to Uno-reserve her, but Cressida finally gets down to brass tacks: Daphne used the Prince to make the Duke jealous, and then lured him into the gardens to trap him in marriage. I mean… that’s not…incorrect, honestly. She calls it shameful, and Daphne finally decides it’s time to cut this bitch down to size. She all but threatens her, saying that she can be a Duchess’s friend or her enemy. Cressida says first they have to see if she can even force him down the aisle. She is so very Nellie Olson.

Oh dang! Beethoven’s Fifth comes in on the soundtrack. That was an intense scene transition. We pan down to the Queen reading the latest Lady Whistledown. The Prince comes in and says he’s going home. She asks if he really wants sweet pickles and sauerkraut. Ooh, I love sauerkraut! ‘Fight for the girl!’ she announces, pointing out that he outranks Simon. Thanks, Charlotte, I think even Colin could figure that one out. The Prince says he will not brandish his title, because he is happy for them, as is everyone else. A footman comes in and mentions the King. ‘Dead?’ she asks, her face strangely blank. When the footman announces that George is actually lucid, she shoos him away, before telling the Prince 'auf wiedersehen'. That phrase just doesn’t have as much meaning if it’s not being sung at me by a bunch of children who are fleeing nazis. She tells him he can accept defeat, but that’s not how she rolls. He bows and takes his leave instead of flipping her the bird, which is what I would have done.

Anthony is in a dimly lit church. The Duke comes in, still in his promenadin’ outfit from earlier, and apologizes for his tardiness. Anthony tells him the arch-bishop isn’t there yet. They stand awkwardly for a couple beats before Ant tries to talk about Daphne’s dowry, which Simon shuts down entirely- ‘I need not be paid to marry Daphne. It’s an insulting custom in my judgment’. Word, Simon. He says Daphne can put the money in a trust if she wants, but he is going to take care of her, it’s his responsibility. Anthony:

‘I must apologize for…well…’

‘Shooting at me?’

‘Indeed.’

It’s such a quick, funny exchange. Simon gives Anthony shit for being a terrible shot. These two have great chemistry together, but again, I think Jonathan Bailey would probably have chemistry with a cactus. The Archbishop comes in and Anthony thanks him for granting the special license. Not so fast, Anthony.

We cut to Daphne, looking horrified. The Archbishop denied the special license and won’t say why. Daphne says if they can’t get married fast, it gives Cressida and Lady Whistledown time to uncover the truth. She turns to the Duke. ‘Simon…’ But here comes Humboldt to announce Lady Danbury. She strides in looking ab fab. Violet comes out of nowhere to welcome her. Anthony breaks the news that the special license was denied by the archbishop. Lady Danbury continues to be the smartest one of the lot, and quickly surmises that it is the Queen who has done this, as she’s maybe bitter about the whole Prince thing. She tells Saphne to give her what she wants, attention. They need to go to her and bow and scrape and make a personal plea. ‘Tell her you are in love. You can do that, can you not?’ They both nod unconvincingly. They all make their way to dinner, but Daphne looks like anything she eats might come right back up.

Benedict is trotting down the street to the Granville residence. Henry answers the door and welcomes him in before disappearing pretty quickly. Ah, ye old orgy. Benedict peaks into a room where girls are dancing, and then another where nude men are being drawn. Guys, he’s so excited. A voice asks him what he’s doing there, and he turns to see Madame Delacroix. Does she have a punch card for every Bridgerton interaction? He asks if they’ve met and he says they don’t need to have met, ‘you are a Bridgerton’. She could probably spot him from the tall, tall hair. She’s wearing a bustier and smoking a pipe, and her accent is a different one than we have heard before I believe. She tells him to go home to his brother, but he argues that he’s received too warm a welcome here.

Cut to them making out on the stairs. Wait, did they climb the stairs just to do this? Weird. Anyway, she leads him back down the stairs and he goes into a room without knocking. House party foul, dude! Anyway, Henry is in there naked with a dude. He makes full on eye contact with Ben, who is clearly shocked and intrigued. He shuts the door and then is beckoned over to where Gen is on a settee in the hallway with a woman who looks like Rosario Dawson. He sits between them and the three go to town under a giant portrait of people naked in a bed. Subtle, show.

Elsewhere, Will Mondrich is walking down the street, when he happens upon Simon, who is sprawled out on a sidewalk singing drunkenly. Simon asks where his drink is, and Will is shocked that ‘they kicked you out’, presumably from a bar, but I think the building they’re in front of says ‘Horse Shop’ and ‘Mutton Pie’, so I’m very confused. Mondrich asks if marrying her could really be so bad and Simon says that Daphne has to fight for a wedding she doesn’t even want. Will leads him away and I notice the place is actually called ‘Horse & Hop’, so that makes more sense at least.

Marina is at her vanity when Portia comes in to say that Mutton Chops has been invited for dinner on Saturday, so she has until then to act like she’s happy about it. Marina says no can do. Portia goes into another round of ‘I have done this for you, you should be thanking me’. Marina’s hair looks awesome in this scene. Portia looks at her for a beat, before asking if this is about Colin. Marina turns to look at her and states ‘he likes me’, before announcing that he will propose, she’s sure of it. Feather-Lady calls him an immature child, just like his older brothers, which: fair, but still. Cheap shot, Portia.

Marina rises and approaches Portia to thank her for her kindness, stating that if she marries Colin, it will make Portia connected to the Bridgertons, who are very powerful. She bargains. Give her until Saturday to get a proposal out of Colin, or she will accept Mutton Chops. Portia says that even if Colin proposed tomorrow, the wedding wouldn’t be for weeks, and her belly is gonna be poppin’ soon. Marina thinks for a moment before stating that maybe they wouldn’t wait to consummate. Ew. Also, she pronounces it with a ‘sh’ sound in the middle, which is really weird. Anyway, she gonna try to get him to give it up before the wedding. He would never! I am shocked at such a thought! Portia makes it more clear for those not paying attention, that she will seduce him. Of course, we cut to Penelope listening from the hallway, looking pretty panicked. Portia agrees to give Marina until Saturday to baby-trap that Bridgerton.

We are at the palace with Queen Charlotte. The footman from earlier comes in and nods, and then we are in a dining room with King George. Charlotte comes in and bows. He tells her to sit with him, and she smiles genuinely and approaches him. Aw. He asks after their son, and she tells him his subjects miss him, as does she. ‘I’m right here,’ he answers amiably. Aw again. They talk about kangaroos for a moment and then he asks about ‘Emily’ Her face changes and she tells him that ‘Amelia was sick’ and he argues that he just saw her. She tells him Emily is dead and he gets very agitated and starts yelling ‘She has killed my child! You bitch!’ He’s more fun in ‘Hamilton’. Charlotte leaves him.

Daphne is tossing and turning in her bed. She goes out to the garden in her bare feet, where Rose finds her almost immediately. Ack, she popped up like an NPC there! Daphne says she cannot sleep, is that why Rose is up too? Rose is still working, princess. She says there is still a lot to do, but promises she will be ready. Daphne isn’t worried about Rose, she is worried about Simon. Rose says all men have doubts and he will be a good husband and father. Daphne reveals that he can’t have children. Rose tells her that she has an aunt and uncle who are happily married with no children. Daphne points out that they probably at least love each other. Before Rose can say anything to that, Daphne tells her that she ‘shall not keep’ her, as she must have a hundred things to do. It’s the middle of the night, why are you not sending her to bed?

We fade in on an extreme closeup of a child’s face. ‘You smell bad’, he declares. Simon is laid out in a child’s bed over at the Mondrich residence. Simon complains about the sun as he makes his way to a tiny table in the room. Alice presents him with a breakfast that consists of burnt toast and a whole fried fish. There’s a lot of hangover cure stuff in this episode. Simon says ‘if I am to marry, I would like both of you to be there’. Alice laughs that he thinks there’s a way out of his situation. Alice goes into a sales pitch for investing in Will’s upcoming matches and then states that the Viscount owes Simon one for shooting at him. Will and Alice are adorable together for a while and then grab one of their children to continue to make a point to Simon.

We are at the palace again. The Queen is surrounded by women holding pomeranians in their laps. Her wig looks like one of those pleated paper fold-out globe things that get hung at graduation parties. Simon, Daphne, Violet, and Agatha all stand before her. The Queen ribs Lady Danbury for not bowing low enough, but Danbury deflects like the sorceress she is. The Queen calls Simon and Daphne forward and tells them to plead their case. Daphne says that nothing untoward has happened, they just love each other and want to marry. The Queen sighs. Daphne says she was flattered by the Prince, but with the Duke it was love at first sight. ‘It was not!’ he interjects. Dude, chill.

He says it wasn’t love at first sight. Daphne thought he was an ass, he thought she was a baby. Anthony wasn’t going to let them do anything, and with romance out of the way, they found friendship. Drink! The Queen is intrigued. Simon says they’ve fooled all of Mayfair, because they were never courting. He just enjoys her company so much. She’s his best friend and the most beautiful woman in the world and it took the Prince trying to nose in on his business for him to realize he didn’t want Daphne to be just his friend, he wanted her to be his wife. Daphne looks ill next to him. The Queen tells him he’s lucky to know that friendship is the best foundation a marriage can have. Drink! No wonder everyone needs a hangover cure around here. The Queen asks Daphne if she wants to marry Simon. She looks over at him, but he won’t make eye contact.

We cut to the church. On Simon’s side, we see Lady Danbury and the Mondriches. On Daphne’s side, we see Eloise, Colin, Benedict, and Violet. Where’s tiny Greg? I point out to splashguy that Benedict has a top hat, and he quickly answers that Colin probably did too, but he sat on it. Anthony walks Daphne down the aisle. Simon has a fully-tied adult cravat on, so you know he means business. Oh wait, Tiny Greg and Hyacinth are there. Oh good. The bishop does his spiel. He takes her opera glove off and puts a ring on her finger and they stare at each other intensely. ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’, the bishop says. ‘Man and wife,’ my husband and I repeat in our best impression of the bishop from ‘The Princess Bride’. I’m joking, but the best marriages really are with your best friend. Drink!

We are on a close-up of a very big, crazy-looking cake. For the record, it looks very white, so I’m not sure why Mrs. Wilson was being such a drama queen about that earlier. This food looks awesome. Maybe I should make a snack… Daphne is receiving guests, one says it was a beautiful wedding. Um, no one was at that church, they all just came to the party afterward. Daphne sees Simon across the room and moves toward him, but is intercepted by Cressida, who immediately calls them friends and says she hopes Daph will ‘remember her kindness’, before stalking off with her nose in the air.

Elsewhere in the room, Pen is trying to push Marina on a bald man, and then one with ‘kind eyes’. Marina doesn’t have time for these men. Now, where is Colin? Penelope gets agitated and tells Marina she ‘can choose anyone but him’. Marina looks at her like she’s lost her mind. Pen goes into a whole ‘he’s my friend, you must not do this to a good man’ thing. Marina asks if she should entrap a bad man. Well…yeah? Does Pen want Marina to life with a man who treats her like a beast? Colin will be a good husband and father ‘despite how young and well-like by you he may be’. Oof. Portia stops by to tell Marina that Mutton Chops is off the market. Marina is pretty stoked. Portia gets in her face and says that whatever she has planned for Colin better work. Dang, they’re just openly plotting in the Bridgerton home now? Just then, Marina sees Colin and practically sprints over to him.

Eloise is wandering through the crowd and bumps into Pen. They both quickly make excuses and walk away from each other. Penelope’s feather is very sad. The camera swings around as she does to see Marina all up in Colin’s biznass, saying she feels faint. Ooh, Pen’s glare is everything. Marina suggests they find a place where she could catch her breath? Colin and his empty head and his tall hair agrees and leads her away. Pen starts to hyperventilate.

Marina and Colin enter what I think is Anthony’s study. This is much better, although still loud, she notes with a pointed look at the door. Golden retriever Colin shuts the door without thinking. Then she immediately says they should not be alone together. Do you guys think the hair product is affecting his brain? She gets in his face. Horny gulp gif. He looks like he’s going to kiss her, but pulls away at the last second and says they cannot go any further. He calls her a lady. She cannot believe her bad luck here. She’s not blinking. It’s a pretty funny acting choice. She belatedly agrees that she’s a lady and he is a gentleman. She goes to leave and he proposes. There is so much to this character’s psychology that hasn’t really been explored. He feels so invisible and unloved.

He says they’ve only known each other a short while, would she want to marry him? She would be delighted! Then what are they waiting for? She’s so psyched. He declares they will marry by the end of the season. Her face goes crazy for a second before pointing out that would be a pretty long engagement. ‘Or simply romantic,’ he suggests. Oh, I just want to give him a warm cookie and pat his hair. Colin states that she deserves a grand wedding. He promises it will be great, but they can’t say anything yet, because it’s Daphne’s day. Dude, I think this will all work out perfectly. No flaws in this plan at all. When he turns to leave, her face falls so flat. Aw, I know I asked in the last rewatch thread, but I don’t even think she likes him.

The Queen approaches Daphne, who thanks her for coming. The Queen gets majorly inappropriate and says that at least they will enjoy the wedding night. What the hell was that? She smirks and struts away, leaving Daphne confused. We follow the Queen over to a conversation between Eloise and Lady Danbury, where the former is accusing the latter of being Lady Whistledown. Lady Danbury pretty effectively smacks her down (without laughing in her face like Mrs. Wilson did), but then says when she figures out who it is to let her know. The Queen, having heard this, clarifies that El thought that Danbury is Whistledown. Eloise turns around to face her and about passes out. The Queen wants the skinny on what El has uncovered so far.

As El starts in on her theory, the camera pans over to Benedict, who is taking a glass of wine from a passing tray. He wanders a bit before running into Mr. Granville, the artist whore. They greet each other amiably. Granville starts to try to explain the other night, but Ben cuts him off and says nothing happened the other night. In other words, your love of dick is safe with me. He then greets a woman who has joined them, saying he believes she knows Mr. Bridgerton. It’s the Rosario Dawson-looking lady he had a threesome with. Also known as Lucy Granville. Wah wah. Benedict gulps down his wine. I wonder what his hangover cure is. I feel like it would be flaky chocolate- filled pastries and coffee for some reason. He’s pretty bougie.

Anthony approaches Daphne and says he spoke to the Duke. Cool, she hasn’t. Anthony says Simon refused her dowry. She’s shocked by that. Anthony will put the money in trust, so it can be used on their children. He is sure they will have a million kids. Dude, she has the narrowest hips I’ve ever seen. Why would you wish that on her? And you just know Simon’s giant ass will make giant babies. She gets agitated and leaves, running up the stairs. Simon and Violet both notice. Violet’s hair is adorable. It’s in like a curly pony-tail situation. I’m into it.

I’m forty-two minutes in and I’ve written 5700 words. This is a sickness I think.

Daphne is in her room, hyperventilating. Her mom comes in and talks about leaving the house. Violet’s breasts once again are insane. She’s kicked this can down the road as far as she is able, time to talk about ‘the wedding night’. Violet suggests that she might already know some things? When Daphne says she knows nothing, her mom looks pretty put out. Hee. She stutters for a million years about how Daphne and Simon can perform the marital act. Daphne asks if it’s as difficult to perform as it is to discuss. Violet starts into a metaphor about rain in the fall making flowers grow in the spring and do you not just have an anatomy text book from one of the boys’ time at Eton? Good grief. Then, Violet starts talking about their basset hounds figuring it out without having to be told and then, there were puppies. Daphne clarifies that the marital act makes children. Violet is so relieved that Daphne got there on her own. She has so many more questions, but the carriages are coming, it’s time to GTFO. Violet, I love you, but that was so so bad.

The family all come outside together to see them off. Gregory and Hyacinth are arguing about who gets to go live in a castle with Daphne. She says she will miss them all, even emotionally-distant Anthony. Daphne walks over to El and tells her she’s giving her sister her room. The Duchess says she is sure El will make her own way in the world and they hug. Aw. Everyone watches as Simon helps Daphne into the carriage and they leave. Aw, I love this family.

Simon tells Daphne they are only going as far as an inn, since his home is too far away to get there before dark. There are a lot of action shots of the horses and carriage then. They arrive at the inn and are shown two separate rooms by the innkeeper. Daphne is surprised to hear he requested a different room, but she shuts the door in his face.

They are both pacing in their rooms, before she finally works up the nerve to go to him, but he’s there when she opens her door. He says they should go down to dinner and she gets all agitated and tells him she doesn’t want to eat, she wants to talk to him. She knows that he wants nothing to do with her. He argues with her, he’s just giving her space. They go back and forth over who hates who more and who trapped whom more. He self-flagellates about how she wants kids and a love match and ‘-this could not be any more different,’ she finishes for him. She grabs her wrap and says she will meet him for dinner. He stands there watching her in silence for a moment before he tells her that everything he said to the Queen was true.

Daphne turns to look at him in shock. He is super into her. Like…really into her. ‘I am yours, Daphne. I have always been yours’. She says she doesn’t understand and they launch into another fight. She points out how agitated and flushed he is. He’s not angry. He’s horny. Oh, sorry. He burns for her and knows it’s not reciprocated. These two hot dummies. If he had been paying any attention to her, he would have seen. She burns for him too.

It’s no ‘I have spent so long trying to feel less…’, but it does fit better on a tee shirt.

They make with the kissing. He asks if she wants him to stop, and she says no. Guys, I know I’m so incredibly biased here, but this is all so ‘mirror scene’ but not as good? Like, he takes her out of her corset. We get loving shots of him undressing as she lays nearby watching him. He fingers her. This is all fine. He’s got a nice tush. He tells her it might hurt. I kinda want to watch a side-by-side comparison between the two now. I’ve been very aware of not rushing ahead in talking about the season we really care about, because I really do want to be able to focus in on how the character evolve over time. Anyway, they hump and then she orgasms in like twelve seconds and then he pulls out and dumps his load on the sheets. Ew, his side is going to be all wet. That’s a rookie move. He asks how she feels.

She feels wonderful.

[consumed-star]

⭐WELCOME⭐

Hiya! I'm James ✨ I'm 18, use he/him, and love to cope with stars.

I'm not always the most active, but I use Tumblr to indulge in my brainrots. I have ADHD (and fibromyalgia, and much... much more), so I can be VERY inconsistent. Please be patient :3 Find me on Discord and Ko-Fi as : consumed_star Strawpage

⭐Hyperfixations:

☆The Marvin Trilogy ☆ Team Fortress 2 ☆Star Trek TNG ☆Anything Christian Borle/Andrew Rannells ☆House MD ☆Reanimator ☆Hannibal ☆It's always sunny in Philadelphia

⭐ Music:

☆Tropical Fuck Storm/The Drones ☆Musicals ☆Talking Heads ☆Willie Watson ☆60s Rock ☆The Mary Wallopers ☆VIA Ariel ☆At the drive-in ☆System of a down / Gojira

⭐Other dumb stuff:

☆JERMA 🗣️🗣️ ☆In uni studying geography rn ☆I can speak 4 languages! It's very annoying!! ☆I SOMETIMES draw (mostly digitally) ☆I love green and purple, but they remind me of the Joker together :(

⭐️Kin list: (in order)

☆Marvin from Falsettos ☆Mae Borowski (NITW) ☆Gregory House ☆James Wilson (yes both of them) ☆Lore (Data's brother from ST:TNG) ☆Scout from TF2 (not my main tho)

⭐Sideblogs:

@toutlemundy - TF2 sideblog @inmarvinstrousers - Falsettos/Musicals sideblog @feralpeasures - House MD sideblog @ppth-forensic-technician - House MD RP blog

⭐Moots:

@kamisden / @trompettenarrative ☆ @adxenith ☆ @tino-i-guess ☆ @wilsons-three-legged-siamese ☆ @scarriestmarlowe ☆ @crypticpuffin ☆ @kleinekorpus ☆ @starry-scarl3tt ☆ @morphean42 ☆ @richie-shitlips ☆ @quarks-pussy ☆ @nikuthewizard Love all of you

[deprivedmusicaljunkie]

my ranking disc two of hozier (special edition):

lay me down - yes, i think this is better than do i wanna know. yes, i think this is better than my love will never die. yes, i think this is better than JACKIE AND WILSON LIVE IN AMERICA. the vocals, the upbeat music, the fact that i want to dance and cry at the same time… sam smith simply does not possess the range and he was snubbed at the grammys. NINE POINT SIX OUT OF TEN.

jackie and wilson live - ive already made a post about how amazing this recording is but i once again have to shoutout the killer guitar intro. it is so satisfying when he starts playing the main theme and you hear all the fans start screaming in unison. he was properly unhinged here. 9/10

whole lotta love - filthy with taste! solid, flavorful cover. 8.8/10

problem/regulate - petition for hozier to cover more girlypop songs 8.7/10

do i wanna know? - yes, andrew. i wanna know everything you have to say. 8.5/10

my love will never die - kind of fucked up but i’m really into this dynamic. the lyrics are so powerful—simple but striking. and the innuendo is top notch. this is in a week if the love interest was evil. 8.2/10

take me to church live - hearing this man sing tmtc in front of an audience who knows every word, backed by the most rousing percussion, and with THAT voice…… i’m unwell. he said there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin and we listened. 8/10

from eden live - he is SUCH a force when he’s performing. “baAAAaaabe” “ohhh what a SSSSSSin” “to haAng from a TReE *chomp*” 7.8/10

arsonist’s lullabye - as a socal resident i am feeling this deeply. 7.3/10

someone new live - huge huge fan of the song as it was my #1 on wrapped last year however i feel like he could stand to be at least 15% more unhinged here. esp during the bridge. it deserves more growl. 7/10

work song live - i DO like this recording but i think that the echoey ambience of the og works better for the song. 6.9/10

in the woods somewhere - big fan of the fact that this is about a horse. major werewolf vibes. 6.5/10

run - crazy imagery, but the diction is almost impressively bad. 6/10

[fetchmearum420]

1776 but AITAH (am I the ass hole?)

John Adams: am I the ass hole for begging my fellow congressmen to vote for independence?

Benjamin Franklin: am I the ass hole for being carried in a box thingy by prisoners?

John Dickinson: am I the ass hole for wanting to reconcile with England?

Edward Rutledge: am I the ass hole for- YES YOU ARE AN ASS HOLE

John Hancock: am I the ass hole for being constantly hot? (Depends on how you define hot 😉)

Stephen Hopkins: am I the ass hole for drinking rum all the time?

Thomas Jefferson: am I the ass hole for being too quiet?

Charles Thomson: am I the ass hole for thinking Washington is writing to me?

Richard Henry Lee: am I the ass hole for enthusiastic-LEE returning to Virginia to serve as governor?

James Wilson: am I the ass hole for being in love with both John Dickinson and George Read?

Lyman Hall: am I the ass hole for being in love with Rutledge?

Thomas McKean: am I the ass hole for complaining constantly about Washington’s dispatches?

Caesar Rodney: am I the ass hole for almost d*ing In congress when they needed me most?

George Read: am I the ass hole for being an ass hole?

Roger Sherman: am I the ass hole for being too cute?

Samuel Chase: am I the ass hole for eating all the time?

Lewis Morris: am I the ass hole for abstaining courteously and annoying the fuck out of Hancock?

Josiah Bartlett: am I the ass hole for being too bland?

Joseph Hewes: am I the ass hole for asking about deep sea fishing rights?

Robert Livingston: am I the ass hole for having sexy eyebrows?

John Witherspoon: am I the ass hole for real reverend hours?

Abigail Adams: am I the ass hole for wanting pins?

Martha Jefferson: am I the ass hole for being in love with my husbands dick and then singing a song about it?

Andrew McNair: am I the ass hole for saying “sweet Jesus” all the time?

Courier: am I the ass hole for sitting in John Adams’s chair?

[sciderman]

How do you feel about different animated Peters? Do you have a favorite out of them?

hooh man, i know i say that i've consumed every little bit of spider-man media ever but it's really not true actually, and i think the thought of trying to watch every single animated version of peter parker kind of makes my brain explode. there are so many. i didn't actually grow up on spider-man cartoons, i only really got into spider-man comics in my late teens so my point-of-reference for peter parker will kind of always be the 616 comics, first-and-foremost.

i did watch a bit of ultimate spider-man as it was airing and i probably am one of the very few people on the planet who's kind of oddly soft on it! i have complicated feelings about ultimate spider-man. i feel about it the same kind of way that i feel about way's deadpool run. that it's an entirely annoying depiction of the character that is full to the brim with irritating jokes that don't land and package up the character to be a nutszo joke-a-minute lols random haha type deal but - i see oddly sincere and sympathetic and self-aware moments in there that make me inexplicably fond of that particular portrayal.

i don't know - i actually really love it when peter's portrayed as an actual weirdo. not the uptight square-boy you usually see, or this quirky boy-scout who's just kind of bland and cute and nerdy - but a peter parker that is actually unapologetically annoying. like you can't stand to be with him. i kind of love to see it. i don't know, i want him to be annoying. i think he should be annoying. and i love that he's fucking insane. like, objectively. he's not a sane man. he's adhd incarnate. and he's stupid. he has heroic moments, yeah, but he's also stupid and a jerk. i don't know. i'm probably giving it way too much credit, but compared to what came after (disney xd's spider-man (2017), looking at you) it's fun and kind of a very weird departure to your usual spider-man fare. deadpool appears in this show for one singular episode also so naturally thta is enough to make my brain go brrr.

(i've actually been really wanting to write a fic set in this universe. it's a universe i'm kind of interested in exploring, actually. been rotating it in my mind for a really, really long time. i'm almost ashamed to admit it, but every version of wade wilson fires up my brain, and i'm really, really interested in fleshing out this strange, i-was-a-child-soldier-turned-teenage-mercenary wade wilson. sorry. off-topic now. spider-man. we're meant to be talking about spider-man.)

disney xd's spider-man (2017) sorry you are so ugly and so boring. she doesn't exist to me. i hate that stupid nerdy off-brand tom holland ass twink with the green eyes. hate her. she is so boring. and her voice is even worse than drake bell (how could that be possible)

60's spider-man fucks. binged it so hard during my college days because it put me into the flow-state while i was working on my animation projects. i love that square boy. i love how macho he sounds when he's in the suit. i love his stupid fucking spider with the six legs. i love that they didn't have the budget for the extra two legs. i love him. he got me through college. almost tempted to do a stream of 60s spider-man so you all can enjoy it with me. it's a treasure. and thank you, 60s spider-man, for all the reaction images.

spectacular spider-man is very beloved, and i NEAARLY watched it all the way through, but – i don't know, i kind of just... don't like that peter parker very much. i couldn't tell you why. he's just a little boring to me. maybe it's the same criticism people slam onto andrew garfield's spider-man, the "he's too cool" argument. he's just not cringefail enough. he's kind of a bit boring. and his stupid SHIRT TAG that is NEVER TUCKED IN makes me FROTH at the MOUTH. i didn't wind up finishing the series because the love-triangle stuff just got way too exhausting for me. usually i eat up the peter parker drama but this particular case it really is a "why on earth is everyone in love with him. he's so boring." kind of situation. sure, it's a universal constant, but in this series it really is true. i wouldn't waste my time with him. sorry. mid. 5/10 peter parker portrayal. but the art and animation and theme song fuck.

i don't think i've watched enough of the other series to talk about them - which i feel kind of embarrassed about. i wanted to watch the animated series (1994) but just - never got around to it. i just prefer the comic-book format over animation, funnily. the irony, of me being an animator by trade, but preferring the medium of comic books. but like - i don't know. i prefer books over movies too. i just like doing more brain-work. it's why i like to write and draw more than i like to watch things. i don't like passive consumption. i want to put my brain to work. so - soooo, when it comes to watching things, i'm kind of terrible at it.

i think i should do a massive research session where i watch every spider-man series (or at least as much of them as my brain is willing to) - so i can do a comprehensive ranking of all peter parkers. if i have the time for that sort of thing (i don't.)

one day, maybe, one day. it could make a very fun video essay. i'd love to make a video essay, one day.

[marie-scary]

saw someone do this with Glee, so i decided to try my swing at yellowjackets as Grey’s Anatomy characters🙂‍↕️

(only from seasons like 1-10is. bc that show (as a fan) has no business being that long) also most of these are crack😭🙂‍↕️

Shauna: Meredith Grey, slutty mistress, need i say more?

Lottie: Jo Wilson, they’re both goofy and dorky, and if i remember correctly when jo and alex were drinking she talked about stealing something. (i’ll rewatch and confirm this🤝🏼)

Misty: Cristina Yang, one of the twisted sisters. Cristina is very cutthroat and i feel like the misty killing jessica robert’s is pretty cutthroat. also yang is just super fucking smart, and so is misty. (i would like to note cristina yang would hate misty)

Javi: Andrew Deluca, just bc he’s sweet and he dies in the end. like i’m sorry bro but yeah😭

Tai: Owen Hunt, my fav sleepwalking adulterers <3 no but the way they both deal with trauma is so funny. like no let’s not deal with it. lets repress it and act like im not the problem (tai is not the problem tho, women are never the problem)(i actually hate owen hunt. fuck that bitch ass ginger (this is just a slide at owen. other than that ginger women {bc i don’t fuck with the male specimen} are so hot. thank you for existing))

Laura Lee: April Kepner, do we even have to ask that? i love me some bible thumpers. also i like how their environment challenges/strengthens their faith. holy women for the win ❤️🙏🏼

Mari: Lexie Grey, honestly i’m still not sure about this one, but idk i think they’re both so cute and goofy and bc mari is pit girl and lexie died in the woods😔

Gen: Callie Torres, gives off mean vibes but it’s lowkey a cutie. but also a total bad fucking ass

Ben: Arizona Robbins, twinnsss😝🤞🏼(arizona got one up on him with the prosthetic and being able to be openly gay tho😔)

Akilah: Izzie Stevens, something about hallucinating shit that isn’t there is crazy. but idk what’s crazier. hallucinating having a pet rat but it’s actually been dead the whole time or hallucinating fucking your dead ex-lover/patient/someone you stole a heart for?? idk chat, shits wild asf😭

Van: George O’Malley, only the good parts bc those parts george was sweet and cute and all fun go lucky.

Travis: Preston Burke, arrogant, narcissistic, sexist, fucking douchebags, god complex’s 😒(but also burke, like travis, had his good moments. i will say i do favor travis’ character more tho. bc he’s a kid and that’s understandable. but at his big fucking age burke knows better (okay i’m sorry let me stop before i get heated😭) anyways yeah)

Nat: Alex Karev/Amelia Shepherd, let’s be honest here, alex is so nat, when it comes to the brooding, dickhead, boyfriend, who came from a tough childhood and swears he’s tough as shit just bc he boxes. but is a fucking puppy dog and follows you around and laughs super hard at shit you say even tho you just said that persons shirt looked weird. she’s also very Amelia coded. and yes bc of the drugs and the daddy issues with seeing him get shot. maybe not the same circumstances or relationship but it played a big role in her life.

Jackie: Derek Shepherd, let’s be so fucking fr rn. of course jackie would be charming, annoying, stuck up, pretentious, McDreamy, loyal to a fault, himbo man. “it’s a beautiful day to save lives” headass😭im sorry but i totally see it. also they both die in crazy ways after both surviving a plane crash. if anyone needs to be studied, it’s them.