#fuck this i dont care anymore im already a horrible person i just want everything to fucking stop

[triplegoths]

untagged

i cant fucking take living like this anymore

i cant do it i have to end it soon theres literally nothing for me here anymore. its too much to do. im never gonna fucking have another close in real life relationship.

i want to just like order some food at work so im not more miserable being here but i dont have the strength or stomach to eat something. ill eventually try maybe. i dont know. the drugs make me not eat like a fucking sick dog already and everything rn just says i dont deserve it

i have no motive or energy to do anything but work or somethimes playing a game but even that were usually unable bc were too tired.

whats the fucking issue with me!!!! i just dont give a shit anymore i dont want to do anything nothing makes me happy everythinf eventually juat makes me feel scared and sick and weird. every time i try to make fun or have plans it goes horrible and it just feels worse so i wont anymore ill just fucking rot alone like life wants me to

nobody here can help me and if i could i couldnt afford it so who fucking cares its cheaper to kill myself and lose the body so they dont need funeral costs. theyd misgender and shave me anyway probably

im just so fucking over it all im never gonna be happy like this. i got nothing. theres no good its just working til i fucking kill myself and putting myself through fuxking agony constantly for a life that continues to just KICK AND KICK AND KICK AND KICK me when im fucking down. i cant handle anything else happening. im trying so hard to get things done and theres just fuxking nothing. i will never ever be enough and ill never feel enough.

doesnt matter what or when or the circumstance its so depressing that its not just romantic relations too im so fuckinf scared in groups i automatically feel unwelcome and hated and like i should just go off by myself because im literally so unlikeable and everything has proved it forever. like genuinely as soon as i realized there were more than 2 people i got terrified and started questioning everythinf i did and wanted to run away bc i felt like i wasnt meant to be there and it was ovipus and i was being annoying like fucking ALWAYS GOD IM SO SICK OF BEING LIKE THIS can i just shut up forever? dirk please come back to front im tired of annoying all the people who so graciously allow me to exist around them so i dont have to be in such crushing loneliness all the time i feel like such a fucking baby and everybody probably thinks im such an annoying drug addict too can i just quit it and fucking feel and then kill myself already when i realize its worse

like im never gonna be able to afford any of the shit i need to heal and i dont even wanna try bc ill get 3 appointments in and will run out of money and continue doing that and then ill die bc i cant afford anything else. like why would i do that to myself ill just suffer like this and just do my best forever til i can only rot. id rather get it fuckinf over with and just die now. this isnt a life

i go frm one box go another. rotting. i rot at home alone or i go to work alone. i dont really go out. i dont really talk to anybody. i dont really see anybody. i have 1 irl friend who talks to me and lives in town. the other i dont see her often and honestly feel so embarassed of myself around her because of how i am that i can barely convince myself to see her sometimes even if she is in town. the other person is one of my exs and he doesnt give a shit about me he just wants sex bc thats the only thing im good for. i feel like i just annoy and make everybody uncomfortable conwtantly i dont wanna do it anymore i want to shut up

i always do it i always just talk endlessly frm the second i fucking could before most kids could talk even and i just never shut up did i? my parents were always annoyed by me talking about things that brought me joy (and they never believed me for things that were upsettinf and it was just fake and i needed to be quiet about it bc theyre not taking me to the doctor. so i stopped talking about it to my family and everybody else in my life in that era did the same. the bullies. my friends who ignored me. no matter the form it was always like that i just need to learn to keep quiet and go away and not need anything ever again. i couldnt fucking learn it every time i got a red or yellow card for talking (usually trying to ask questions bc i didnt understand or couldnt see or couldnt hear in elementary school. or to make conversation bc i was friendly and had no friends and my parent didnt play with me so i was lonely. nobody ever liked me bc i was weird. i feel like such a bitter dickhead but i get so jealous when i see that people talk to others every day. especially in person. im so fucking alone i literally get so excited when people want to call with me even if it makes me really scared (and sometimes if im not comfortable enough or feeling sad i will run a away from that too because im so scared to fuckinf annoy people and say something stupid or be boring or trying too hard or just fucking being a total downer because theres nothing good ever going on for me. i got so depressed goin on bsky today and seeing everyone playing webfishing when i cant. but even so lik.e maybe im glad i djdnt join bc one of them was in a big group with new mut and then all strangers so like. its better i wasnt able to bc i would probably jusg feel worse and run away frm everyone bc i feel inadequate snd guilty for taking up space. i always feel like im bothering everyone no matter what. fuck my exhusband in general but he also made me so much more insecure than i was already. he made me feel so annoying and he broke my communication. i was alone with him and JUST him for so long. i could only communicate in nonsense phrases sometimes (literal jibberish not memes) because thats all he would respond to or wouldnt talk to me until i did. he changed my whole pattern of speech and i still almost lapse into it sometimes. it was never any kind of real conversation about anything i felt like it withered my brain. nothing ever in depth just stupid sensless bullshit and jokes (that were often insulting me and made me feel like shit) and i was doing it for fucking nothing because everything else sucked too!!!! the only time there was ever a conversation was when i was BEGGING HIM to stop sometbing or do something for the millionth time. or him defending himself or trying to force my support and trigger my ocd (i genuinely think he was trying to make it worse he never respected it ever he mever respected a single part of me) or him fighting with me on something again (usually the thing was due to him and i just was not being forgiving and quiet and turning off my emotions enough about it. learned numb happiness)

my existence is like a plague and theres nothing here for me. theres even less left of me after he got done with me. he stripped my personality all the way down and forcef me to mirror him. everythinf will always be rotted and ill feel like a horrid shell of a person any time im near anyone. the only option is being alone. maybe this time i will learn and just fuxking stop all of this so we can stop being a curse on everybody. even if i could afford mental help theres nobody that can help me here so its all a waste. i feel like everybody will just hurt me again. doesnt even have to be a partner i feel like every single person is gnna realize sooner or later that im not worth it or they dont like me (ir even hate me) and that im just too fucking annoying to be around

i dont want to be annoying anymore. i wish it was like right after he went to prison again when i didnt have anything and was an empty shell and had nothing to say or talk about that wasnt venting. i wish i never got back some of my "sparkle" or whatever the fuck people call it. mines not a sparkle. its a noxious cloud of toxic annoyance fumes and everybody just has to keep their masks up til i vacate the area. why would i ever fucking want this to come back. i need to shut the fuck up i really do. just take our personality and every crumb of joy again im so sick of it. make it so i dont have any of those thoughts to even post. thus sparing everyone from having to be like "UGH this motherfucker AGAIN. does he ever shut the fuck up? is he ever quiet? can he just log off already? this guy definitely has no life. why does he always have to butt into everything"

that way i can just post like. the shortest most boring updates ever like "back to work! only 3 days this week for the 39 hours. more time off is always good" and then shut up for days and then "got paid nice. going to the bank and then grabbing a few groceries" like thats do much better. nobody needs to fucking know man its sad and depressing and all the same OR you are the most obnoxious prick on any site youre ever and you ruin everybodys day when theyre forced to see you in their notifs or on their timeline

ive probably already muted me bc it didnt even take a week for me to just talk way too muxh when none of of it is important and nobody wants to hear it

even if im not allowed to talk frm my body. its already annoying enough in text and then psyically i just stutter and trip over myself or cant think or forget what i was saying

i wanna delete everything i have and crawl into the earth. i hate being alive. the one time i find something that makes me happy even the littlest bit i cant do it anymore. disallowed by the universe and painfully reminded of the fact im supposed to alone and theres actually nothing for me. it doesnt get better for me it only gets worse. and it makes me feel stupid for believing it could even though thats few and far between. theres nothing left for me i need to just get whatever drugs i decide on and have one last hoorah and take enough to kill me. which hopefully wont even be that hard because im mixing downers and uppers constantly so like its only a matter of time right. my nose hurts and i feel like crying and my body is killing me again so im taking both things again. one for pain. one for maybe like. a little bit of energy but mainly so i dont feel so absolute shit. i just want it all to stop i dont wanna get better anymore im sick of it every time i try i get fucking worse or am crushed by something else even harder than before im DONE WITH IT IM FUCKING OVER IT i just wanna end it theres nothing fucking here for me im never making it. im sick of trying. im sick of always helping even while going through the wordt shit imaginable. im not sick of it. i want to help and i love helping. but it makes me fucking SICK to think about how ive spent my whole life caring for others. have been let down or ignored or told i was lying or had them hurt me instead so many times over i just fucking wish i was important enough to have gotten help when i needed it. to be listened to enough for somebody to even acknowledge or believe there is an issue (or simply convince me im overreacting)

it was fucking stupid of me to think my last ditch effort of doing art school because every other thing i failed miserably at because im too stupid and cant do enough and dont have the support. it doesnt even fucking matter bc my body is slowly and slowly getting closer to just saying "no fuck you" to the art i NEVER HAD TIME TO MAKE TO MY FULL ABILITY IN THE FIRST PLACE. and then ill never be able to do it ever again because i cant get help

i am going to die knowing i never finished a single thing in my life and nobody will ever know what i was capable of.

i want to die in the most painful and uncomfortable way possible because its what i deserve. its the only thing i truly deserve. i need to endanger myself more than i already do obviously its not killing me fast enough if im still kicking and dragging myself across the pavement. i should be dragged along the pavement by a semitruck instead.

i wanna kill myself so bad tonight man. im gonna try not to bc my friend really needs me rn. but i really might relapse. im so fucking tired i want to just go and sleep but ill stay up just for that. i should just cut a vein already why do i care about beinf careful. there was a thing i wanted to do... cut myself with a razor right after i use it to chop **** because maybe itll make me feel good when im not or just fuck my heart enough to make me faint or do smth stupider

ive been writing this for so long im fucking done. i got 2.5 more hours here. i hope i find my mouse when i go home so i change my mind but i honestly really just want to end it right now. im at the end of the line really. im gonna work til i die and never get a break

"everyday it feels like noone sees and noone knows. every day i kinda wanna cancel the show." /lyr

please for the love of god like this if you read all of it i just spilled my whole guts and not even well

[skybristle]

im jsut gonna shamelessly dump this from dms with mac idgaf

also been thinking abt how rays and sparks were friendss..................... The dynamic must've been sooo fun........... Sparks also probably knew reefs pretty well as its head technician. Can you imagine how much she would have had to trust it !!!!

mac: "God. to have to look back on all the good times knowing now that they'd BETRAY you like that. Sparks cant ever look at them the same even if she wanted to. She TRUSTED THEM!!! she let them into her most vulnerable parts, let them take care of her and tend to her structure!!! and they then went on to hurt her! that SUCKS. for all parties involved, but especially because of how much dependence sparks had on them...."

EXACTLYY !!! !ITS SO EVILLLL

Sure her trust breaks with ancients and her creators in general. But she really never has a personal realtionship again with anyone after the expansions. I wonder how much of reefs she sees in chimes. I wonder how much her skin crawls every time she sits through him talking about his ancients and city and his 'mama'.

i think thats why out of all of them sparks likes ochre the most despite flor being relatively quiet. she doesn't have that personal hurt with amber the way she does with reefs, since amber was long gone from her project by the time everything crumbled. even as chimes is so warm and friendly she just butts heads with him instinctually and really can't trust anyone, let alone reefs creation.

Of course that changes in off string and stuff where chimes and sparks relationship becomes Immensely important but in canon they're like. estranged.

they should be family. He should be like a little brother to her. He probably would have been had reefs just gone and built an iterator withotu all fo that happening. But that's not what ever would have happened

Rays tries to tell her about chimes construction [and ochres] as hes in development. as a late apology, as news, as whatever he frames it as in their tense conversations. but she just doesn't want to hear any of it anymore

mac: "She loses the people in her life who supported her the most, they betray her horribly, and she's expected to be able to trust people after that??? fuckkk no. And god,,,,, chimes. Chimes is so so close to reefs and. Sparks just has to. Watch that. FUCK"

ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE POLITICAL DEVELOPMENTS IN CHORUS WHERE REEFS STRONGMANS SUCH A DIFFERENT CULTURE !!! ITS THE ENVY !!! WHY COULDNT HAVE THAT BEEN HER. HOW COULD REEFS SAY ALL THAT AND HAVE DONE WHAT IT DID TO HER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STARTS EATING GLASS

i dont think she ever hated chimes or anything its just every interaction with him is so tainted and he'll never really understand why. I think thats also why him specifically turning on her and getting into a fight with her is what sends her over.

sparks would have never TOLD him that this is what she sees, that she's been hrut like this, because chimes is a new generation past her expansions and theres no need. she doesn't need to burden him with that beyond what he already knows. i think he would have really tried to make up for it had he known. But he doesn't and so he lives his happy life as sparks just. watches with frustration

which fucks me up about off string because in my head she DOES tell him. she DOES !! FUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haah sparks you get to grow and be a better person and escape without suciide but you have to have these hard conversations and you have to put yourself out there and you have to have faith that you won't be stabbed in the back haha sparks

mac: "she HAS to learn to trust others. Which sucks. She's been betrayed so hard in the past, but part of healing is accepting that you can learn to put your faith into people again!!! she has friends!!!!!! GAGDH"

i need her to like. Get her ass beat by something and chimes [who is VERY much a coward when it comes to combat] doesnt hesitate to go in there to grab her and pull her away. I needdd a million little things to pile up to shore up the initially stringy trust she's put in her group. I need them to become her friends i need her to get better !!! RIPS SHIRT OFF

boooo shed your godhood and live the human experience and do dumb shit. fucking lsoer

[markets]

For some reason this song will always remind me of the girl who will never realize what she did to me. i was always good friends with her ex boyfriend and she was always good friends with mine, and the way she acted around him sometimes bothered me once we broke up but i never said anything about it. one day she decided i was too close to hers and accused him of a bunch of stuff (none of which was true) while also saying god knows what to my ex about the whole thing even though he and i were still friends and im pretty sure a big reason why her ex would go to me for advice about their situation was because i was the only one of his friends who didnt tell him to just block her. i remember telling him that if he wanted to stop talking to me for the foreseeable future i genuinely wouldnt mind, because i didnt think it was worth all the trouble it was causing him. but he kept being my friend and ill always appreciate him for that

i would also constantly tell him to tell her to talk things out with me because i still considered her a close friend despite all the vile stuff she was doing to her ex months after they broke up, and she eventually did but i know she was just scratching the surface of what was really bothering her because her ex told me that before she even talked to me she'd already decided to just distance herself. sometimes he'd point out the hypocrisy in her getting mad at us being friends while she was close to my ex and i always told him to be careful, since i knew that she could easily twist that around to make me look jealous of their friendship even though, at this point in time, i wasnt anymore.

I now know that that's exactly what she did, since when my ex told me he couldnt be friends with me anymore he cited her as one of the main reasons. We used to be so close and then she got slightly mad at me and immediately went for two of my most important friendships, the worst part is i dont even think she realized she was doing it. i knwo i ruined my own life these past few months but if i were to blame anyone else, it would be her. She honestly scares me and i really dont ever want to talk to her again. And yet the other night i saw her crying on some stairs and ran to her. my ex boyfriend, who im not speaking to, came in from the opposite direction and asked me what i was doing, i said i was there to talk to her and he said ok you can talk to her then and i said no you can and he said no you can and walked away, i said "we both can" but he didnt hear me. I sat down next to her, gave her a hug, and asked what was wrong, she started talking about how her ex didnt care about her. when i assured her that he did, because he had no reason to talk to her if he didnt, she just shook her head. she kept talking and she was saying everything i was thinking about my own situation, and it almost made me cry until i remembered that she had everything i didnt, in every sense of the phrase. she had someone who cared about her, who wouldve been willing to stay with her if she hadnt done everything she did, who still loved her. I knew id fucked up but id tried so hard in ways she never had and yet i didnt have anything, not even my best friend. who she also had. I hated her so much in that moment but i just hugged her harder.

if she ever asks me about the whole thing ill tell her all this, and i know she'll pick out one small thing from it and use it to tell everyone im a horrible person, but i dont care anymore. Yesterday the planes over me were flying lower than ever and all i could think about was if any of them were going home

[starzgaze]

extremely cringe rant coming up

oh my fucking god i hate being titled smart or whatever like?? I'm not even smart by default, my hardest is another person's lowest and it's pissing me off. usually i wouldn't care but atp whenever my family brings it up to show me or my achievements off it brings a bitter taste in my mouth because probably I don't deserve more than half of these achievements. I feel like I'm a fraud for not studying better or whatever

these exams and groupings made me realize like holy shit maybe I'm not that decent like what i thought i was!! these abilities that i thought were good? are fucking ASS. All those years of practicing this and that means nothing because its apparently wrong or I had the wrong concept this whole time but no one was there to tell me it was wrong nor did they even bother to tell me, probably doing it just to see my downfall!!!!!! too fucking bad my biggest hater is myself and they can't stoop lower than me self sabotaging myself

I hate this country and the stupid education system, it's bullshit holy fuck. Not only education is not hardly accessible, people think academics is everything now its painfully engraved into my head if i get a grade lower 90 or even get an 89 which im expecting to see on my card soon I'm a failure in life and I don't deserve this tuition fee to be paid and i should probably scrape the money to pay it myself because my mom is already a single parent struggling to put food on the table and my tuition doubles on the problems she has and im just!!!!! fucking useless!!!!!! I can't even do my part as a student nor as her child so what's the point anymore i should've just got hit or something, in fact im just waiting a horrible event occurs to me and i never recover and just pass away straigjt up

i hatehatehathtatttee this so much i hate being poor, i hate beinf stupid, i hate this life genuinely like i didnt even ask for this but whenever i say this i feel horrible because this was the life chosen for me and i feel like im offending my mother or the people who raised me because they tried their very best and i end up like this!!!!!!!! my exams scores r so bad i dont even think im smart anymore i should just zip my mouth and isolate myself from other people before i say anything I'd regret later which happens alot because there's times i dont know when to shut it or to speak and i watch my grades crumble because i dont know when is the right time to say something or stay quiet

What sucks too people are expecting me to have high grade, great achievements and whatever the fuck. My family and people in my life doesn't say it but i caaaannn feel the expectations because they've always seen me having these certificates I don't even deserve and they expect me to break the stupid generational curse of being poor or whatever and gets us out of poverty and im just!!!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN ALL OF MY OPPORTUNITIES I WASTE IT BY BEINF SO INDECISIVE OR I'M TOO POOR TO AFFORD SAID OPPORTUNITY.

oh to be a rich nepo baby at this point i dont care anymore i just want to hang myself let's see if I'll be admitted again by the end of the school year

oh u know i dont even think im good in anything i say like i say i like legos but i apparently take too much time and is too stupid to follow instructions or that one time where i claim im good in english then whenever i try to recite or whatever I'd get ridiculed like omfg!!!! is this even worth it??2?2?2?3 should i even TRY AT THIS POINT OH MY GOD????? and then when it comes to art or other aspects in my life i feel like its not even enough or its too fucking ugly like okmfmgmg theyre gonna try to sugar coat it "oh it isnt too bad!!!" shut UP it looks like i vomitted and tried to put glitter on jt its hideous why did i even

I can't becomr an artist, physicist, biologist or any of the dreams i want to pursue because im fucking horrible in everything u know maybe i shluld just KILLMYSE

[thesimulacrasimp]

So yeah, here we go again! I just watched 3rd n 4th eps of hazbin hotel so, again, my thoghts abt it. Idk if i really need to put spoilers warning anymore, but ig ill do it just in case. As with previous post there will be some screenshots.

HAZBIN HOTEL EP 3-4 SPOILERS WARNING!

So tbh i dont have much to say about 3rd ep. Overall it was a really cute ep where everyone kinda got along. Also we met alot of new overlords (that one giant wolf girl was cool as hell) n got a few bop songs. I really like all new voices we got here. Also Velvette was killin in this ep, like slay queen!! Also i didnt know this girl (idk her name srry) was Carmillas (idk if spelled the name correctly--) daughter, that really suprised me.

Ok 4th ep... I have alot to say about it. First of all when that Angels moive started i was like: WTH S GOIN ON WHAT????? Then i thoght that its Angels dream (or nightmare-) n that wolf guy was representation of Valentino. N then when its all started i was like: Oh. I get it.

Speaking about Val, when all that fire started n he opened his wings, that was FUCKING BEAUTIFUL N I REALLY DIDNT EXPECT HIM TO HAVE ACTUAL WINGS, I WAS LIKE: :O I FOR REAL ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A FUR COAT--- ok n thats literally the only good i can say about Val by now.

That one awful scene with Val n Angel was literally so scary... Ive never been in SA, ive never had such "experience" (and thank GOD for that), but i know that feeling of fear when you just in trap and you cant do anything, i know how that feels to be abused, when you just hiding in corner feeling so fucking scared that you gonna get beated up n yelled again, you KNOW that will happen and you just wait for it in terrify, you literally feel yourself like a little child who cant do anything, you want to share your problems to someone, just wanna cry to someone, but you cant and you need to pretend that everything is okay. I was so scared for Angel in that scene and i really felt it. And the way Angel tried to make Charlie leave before that all happened.. Yes, he definetly knew whats gonna happen n thats so scary...

Anyway OMG VOX HIIII!!!!!! :DDDD

BTW THE FACT THAT HES HOLDING VALS HAND LIKE HE WAS ABOUT TO KISS IT----- THIS SHIP IS TAKING OVER MY BRAIN PLS SEND HELP

Yeah, yknow what really strange thing about all that? Is the fact that Val s obviously a horrible person consindering all the things he done to Angel, but he is still an ENJOYABLE CHARACTER. Like- ofc that awful abusive scene was not enjoyable at all, but for some reason i just cant hate him!! I TRY BUT I JUST CANT N THATS SO WEIRD. probably its because i know its not a real person, its just a character but still-

Also (someone pls count how many times i used this word-) i really didnt expect to see an ACTUAL SEX SCENES IN THE SONG. Ig i shouldve expect it n i kinda did, but i still didnt-

Also this little scene made me fucking cry, for real. But not the fact that Angel crying made me cry, but his line: "If i end up broken, I wont be his favourite toy anymore. And maybe he'll let me go.."

I dont know why this exact line made me cry, but it did and i think this is awesome, because they really made me care for Angel, even tho, again, ive never experienced such feelings so i cant relate to that, but i still feel so bad for him.

Ok can we talk about that Husk was AN OVERLORD??? I WAS LIKE: WHAAAAATT????

And OF COURSE that one Husk n Angels song. You already know how i feel about it so im not even gonna talk bout it! SIKE‼️I WILL!!!!! THIS SONG IS SO FRICKIN CUTE, THE FACT THAT HUSK STARTED TO JOKINGLY (or maybe not jokingly-) SAYING THAT ANGEL IS A LOSER TO BRIGHT HIM UP IS ACTUALLY SO SMART! THEYRE BOTH SO CUTE TOGETHER SINGING AND HOLDING HANDS FOR A LITTLE TOO MUCH!!! AND THIS SONG IS MUSICALLY ALSO SO AMAZING, ITS LITERALLY MY STYLE OF SONGS, MAYBE MY NEW FAV SONG I CANT REALLY TELL RN! And the meaning of this song is really good too. Whatever is happening to you, unless youre not alone, everything is better!

Andddd everything is ended quite good and wholesome! They came to the hotel, Charlie apoligized and everything is good!!

soooo yeah! Thats it i guess! Im pretty sure im gonna edit it if i remember something else i wanted to say, but thats it by now!

My review/thoughts on eps 1-2

My review/thoughts on eps 5-6

My review/thoughts on eps 7-8

[hauntedotherworld]

i cant take it anymore. its too painful and i have nothing but suffering thats all i feel and its always been hopeless

i have NOTHING, no one at all to live for .. the one i lost i dont even .. i dont even know if i want her back, although i know we will never meet or talk ever agaib. its already been years. its hard when the person is your fp or.. ex fp.. the feelings that are overwhelming stay but at the same time i have so much anger and despair for what she did. i wish it never happened i had no control over it and i hate it, i HATE HER . SHES THE WORST and never cared like i did, even though we had such a strong bond.. to her it was normal friendship which by the end disapeared.. not for me. because my fucking fucked up head isnt like everyone elses and so im left all alome all i have is suffering, nothing will ever be good enough anymore. i doubt i could even feel that ever again.. i hate her too. i wish i never met her, because otherwise atleast i couldve not known what that felt like. to have an fp. someone who is the entire world for me and i couldnt do shit about it . all i can think of is memories and mourn it . but i also hate her and in one way do not care or wish to EVER meet her again- which again will never happen anyway.. i just feel so fucking empty and have forever but it gets worse the older i get. i cant feel ANYTHING FOR LIFE let alone others now. im living for no reason at all. every part of the day is just empty, void depression and deep bored and loneliness. nothing and no one can fill that anymire either, i knew that when i had gone to college (for a few months until i dropped out and left those great friends id made) because it didnt make me feel ok and i couldnt handle it , i left as always. so i never have anybody. and when i try and form a conmection with stra gers , just to feel sometthing - i feel absolutely nothing at all . nothing now. all i do id hate myself and stuck in my head.

i never want a family i dont care about love anymore or anything and all i feel is that deep empty, despairing feeling and its unBEARABLE .. every fucking day. all i can do is repeat that in my mind and breakdown because what else am i able to do except die? but aside from my anxiety about that, even dying doesnt sound good anymore.. because what will happen? i feel i wont go to heaven because i quit church because of the horrible _thing there. i dont really care abput anything.. except my dog but that isnt enough to make me able to get through when everythings missing and IT ALWAYS WILL BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. HAVE THIS MENTAL ILLNESS, BPD, AND MAJOR DEPRESSION WITH ANXIETY AND OTHER SHIT THAT RUINED EVERYTHING. ive tried SO hard. so fuckinh hard everyday its torture it always has been but its gotten worse to the point i can hardly think i just feel like an empty shell and the pain is like nothing else. i dont know whatll happen if i die, but whatever happens it should be better than this.. if not, i cant escape it itll come on its own if i dont. so i should just do it. no one cares anyway and i dont either

im just so heartbroken and what i fucking had to be and what my life hd to be. its not fair and nobody except others like me know what this is like.

i cant do it guys its harder and harder and i cant carry on i swear to god

[caluski]

ive made myself hot chocolate wine. hot wine chocolate maybe. its mostly hot chocolate and some wine... i only added a little because i havent made hot wine in a long time now, i was worried id evaporate the alcohol and make it gross. but it turned out fine and its good, maybe next time ill make some with spices. maybe replace oat milk with some other one... i think cashew might be good, maybe if i spot it on sale somewhere. with cinnamon maybe, with slices of orange? orange matches both chocolate and wine, why wouldn't it work with both at the same time. i wish i could spend an hour or so in the kitchen, making different infusions that i could try with someone else. its always so much more fun to try new things with another person.

i dont really mind drinking alone, since i already usually do it while watching something or writing. but i do really really miss drinking coffee or tea with other people. i miss talking to people so very very much. i talk so much.. if one somehow hasnt figured it out yet from the absolute fucking abundance of long posts on my blog, but i really do love talking. my big problem is that i talk so much, that my hot drinks cool down before i get to take a sip or two. im really horrible at keeping that balance between being caught up with the conversation and drinking. although i never really have much to say, i keep repeating the stories ive already told a million times before, and i say silly stuff, and i complain about a lot of things, and i get sidetracked constantly. not really in like, adorable or quirky way, i can imagine it must be annoying for the other people in the conversation, especially when i get too excited and interrupt people and dont listen very well. i think its one of those things i wanna improve about myself.

yesterday, as i was walking home through the centre of the city, i was horribly in need of coffee, it was so cold and i was in a good mood, and i only had weak green tea that morning, and since it was still pretty early in the day, the cafes had some free spots. but i walked in, looked around, and walked out. its like everything reminds me of loneliness these days, and when i got inside, tables were all taken by couples or groups. i dont think it was a sign of anything, but it made me so awfully bitter. i know loneliness doesnt make me special, i know literally everyone experiences it to some degree, but god, it really hurts to look around and see that despite everything, people always have someone out there. a best friend, a significant other, family member, whatever.

theres that stupid thing everyone always repeats, "theres always someone out there who loves you, even if you dont know about it". i used to hold onto that desperately, but its so dumb. unrealistic and dumb. it makes you hope that maybe right now youre alone, but once you'll be at your rock bottom, SOMEONE will magically show up and say, i care for you, and i will be by your side to support you, or whatever. but then you hit the rock bottom and theres nothing, or better yet, someone you had hoped would stay with you suddenly says "i have anxiety and seasonal affective disorder, i cant be around you or ill get worse, too", and you dont want them to get worse because of you, of course you dont. theyre being reasonable, and you know that, and you cant do anything about it. even if you do guilt-trip them into staying, would that even really help, if they resented you for it secretly for the rest of their life.

a week ago or so ive walked into a cafe, as well, but i got so overwhelmed that i had to pretend to look around which tables are free, and left right away. just brought in mud and puddles, probably, since it was such a snowy day. i worry that one day ill be better, but i wont be able to step foot inside a cafe anymore, because it will remind me of nothing but the days when it was just me and self-loathing. not that i can really afford cafes anymore, but i cant think about that now. or worse, that ill never get better, and ill never get to experience it again, the presence of another person by my side, having coffee or tea or desserts, and talking and laughing and maybe even flirting. that thought makes me nauseous, but i know its likely. it kind of sounds like not much to wish for, but it feels almost too perfect to ever be possible - not only to have money for that in the first place, but also a person who cares for you enough to want to be around you, to want to talk to you or listen to you, a person who wont tell you "we can go out, but i have only an hour" and then leave after 20 minutes because it turns out in that hour was included their ride back home.

i keep thinking, one day ill find someone, one day i wont be lonely anymore and then ill let it all out of my system. but i know its silly, because by the time ill find someone, ill forget how to really be a person, how to have a conversation. i talk to myself a lot, in my head, but its not enough, it doesnt really feel like anything. i write a diary, i write short stories, i write posts on this stupid blog, but nothing feels like talking to another person, and its awful. my memory is far worse, i stutter more and more with each passing year, im being more and more awkward in such an uncomfortable and humiliating way, that it only makes my brain scream at me to shut up forever. i know why my family doesnt want to talk to me, im more unpleasant than ive ever been. i know its unfair to be blaming them for not wanting me around; they stopped asking about anything, recently, because i cant stop crying whenever they start the topic of job search. i cry too much these days. i had to stop showing up to my favorite grocery store, because theyve seen me too many times all wet-eyed. and i cant help it anymore! i know im still human, i know im not a victim, i know my suffering isnt greater than anyone else's. but something has changed and i cant imagine getting better, anymore. or at least going back to who i used to be. theres no hope anymore! and if theres no hope for me anymore, what do i do? "just surviving" isnt neutral, its horrible, its painful, its a nightmare. i dont want my life to look like this. i dont know what to do anymore. and ive said it a thousand times, i know, but its the only thing i have floating around in my useless empty head. i miss hope. i miss believing that i could still be happy, one day. and i know that was stupid, too, i can see it now, but at least it was something to hold onto.

i miss being around people. i miss it so much. i miss talking to people so horribly. i miss laughing and i miss being held. i dont need all this cortisol. i dont want to forget what it feels like to not be alone. but the more i want it, the more out of reach everything feels, the more unrealistic even the simplest things seem. i might as well be dreaming of living in alternate universe fanfiction.

[whorewithagodcomplex]

sweetheart,

i love ya, but I'm not doing that for the rest of my life, no sir,

everyone knows not to marry into that, and its kinda common sense not to date someone with your type of addiction and just walk away, like we all know its never gonna work if youre constantly making your partner feel like shit because youre always lusting of the things you so desperately want, and yeah you may say that 'your're better, real, youre my love theyre just pictures, theyre just videos, ect) but we all know you wish it was them you could have when your gazing longingly and thirstly at those pictures, you create relationships with all these women, i just happen to be in person version added to the collection, its nasty, and its horrible knowing this will likely never change, cause its 'not that bad' its 'a comfort thing' 'i was alone for so long' and i have to live feeling like im always competing with them, i cant escape them, im so fucking tired of being paranoid that the person i love is going to always be looking at something more appealing, its awful, that constant pit in your stomach everytime hes lookin at a female character a little too closely, or when the girls are everywhere for him, camera roll, most social media, even his wallpapers on all devices, sure theres a photo of you two, sure as a homescreen but its really just a sunset photo and we're hidden in a low corner hidden by apps, and the never paying that close attention to you, you learn as much as you can about him listen to every word he says but doesnt care to know about you, with the exception of major plot points he knows nothing about what you like and why you like it, its either you rarely get a chance to speak, or youre perpetually cut off, or just simply ignored when speaking about yourself, but, he knows everything they say, knows every little detail, their backstories are phenominal and look how hot they are, he wont really say that to you anymore youve shown you dislike, but you know, you always know, so you try your best to be pretty and good enough to be wanted like he wants them, but you never get wanted like that, to be fair you never did, this was the first time someone is showing they love you and want you, but of course if i wasnt wantable before him what makes me wantable now? yknow all his needs are met by them and his ablilty to do so much with them that he feels no need to pay any mind to you beyond the physical and guidance, yeah he loves you, you know that hes shown that, but is it worth the mental and emotional exhaustion it takes to fight for a normal relationship? one where we both feel happy? i know theres no way he isnt miserable too, the contant bickering the anxiety of fucking up, but c'mon man, if you cope properly, like by speaking (without lashing out) to someone when things are too much, not falling further into an obsessive chemical pick-me-up addiction and honestly this sex obsession, youd do so much better, but you wont because its one of them hidden addictions that no one but your friends and people youre close to know about, by your choice, and you think that means its totally fine, because I'll stick around regardless right? cause i have this long and im making life plans with you and i love you more than youll ever know and as long as i dont see it' or notice it its fine, it wont kill me, youll keep going until im about to cut my losses and you promise and youll try you really will, but itll creep back and we'll be back at square one, or youll get better at hiding it from me, youre already pretty good at it now, ill bet money that if i got 3 hours and all your passwords id find cia sized files everywhere and id puke and cry myself to sleep for months, and i know youll only get better at it, and i dont want to be paranoid that your girls are still around my whole life, what kind of example am i setting for my daughters if i just let myself live like that, god id kill my son-in-law if he made her feel like that, honestly id kill him for most of the things youve done, so why am i letting it happen to me???

[oxabyssxo]

life is fucking horrible. i may not be suicidal anymore, but im at the bottom of the pit of despair even so. she excuses all her ongoing behaviour as necessary and "just what i want" and "just my personality" and "i need to do this" and "you just dont understand" when all of that is not true. you didn't want or need to hurt me like this before.

not only do i know that's not the person you were before, but you will literally have moments of clarity even now, where you suddenly are so terribly sorry and miss me so much and you want to be with me and you just need to hear my voice for a short time please you beg me. you promise to stop cheating and to go to therapy if i will just let you have quality time on call for an hour like we used to. and i give in and i give it to you (although, my voice betrays how hurt and terrified i am. i wonder if you even care, or if machine dispensing my voice to you makes your disorder think it's quality time no matter if i sound like im dying).

i give in because i'm scared i'll never see you again. i'm terrified. even though you've hurt me so many times and so badly that it crushed my soul, so badly that i was about to walk in front of a truck and only stopped myself because i thought "it would hurt you so much when you come out of this madness and realise im gone forever". so badly that i had to stay at the mental ward after you confessed all your sins to me, after months, months, of me begging you and asking you what's wrong, what's going on, why are you so cold and distant, why don't you tell me anything anymore. why don't you come visit me like you promised. why is everything different.

i know you're a different person now, you're dissociated, manic, delusional. you don't care about me, except then you do, for a moment, and then you're gone again. i know that i should give up on you, and i know that most of all, i should ignore you. because either putting that distance between us will force you to realise what you're missing and actually repair yourself and repair what we had, or, it will help me find other people that i might love even more than i loved you. that sounds crazy, because we loved each other like there was nothing else in the world, back then, before you got so ill and strange. i really felt that we are something different. that there is only one of you and that i don't want to let you go, for any reason, ever.

but i have to think positively. i have to think that there might be a cute and sweet girl out there that i would actually love more than i love you, who is true to me and who doesn't hurt me like you do. who is like when you were at your best, your most healthy and loving when we loved each other so much, except she's like that all the time, and she doesn't torture me. she is patient with me just as much as i'm patient with her. she understands me and gives me care, not just the other way around. she is intelligent and we have fascinating conversations that aren't just me lecturing at someone, but a full two way conversation. i don't have to explain to her how to be empathetic or how to be a good partner, because she will be empathetic all the time, and she's already putting in effort to be good with me because she loves me.

i don't know, because i really don't feel that there will be anyone else like you out there, because this wasn't a simple romance. this was something that felt made in the stars. until you started hurting me. until you became so strange. and i know it's the Borderline. we never knew, but now i do. everything adds up. and i wish so badly that you had listened to me and gotten help before. that someone had figured out why you were suffering and helped you, whether it was me or a professional, or yourself. because i did help myself. this whole time, i was helping myself, working on myself, and helping you at the same time, giving you guidance and explanations. even for such basic things as empathy, when you lost yours. and i still loved you and kissed you and wanted to be with you forever, just like you wanted too, even when you were being so strange.

i know i tolerated way too much. i know i helped you way too much, in the sense that you didn't put in the same effort neither to help yourself or to help me. i wanted to help you, but i didn't want to be taken advantage of, or taken for granted. and i communicated that to you, healthily. and in the good days, you listened, healthily. we worked through things. and we were so happy and you were the healthiest you've ever been. and then it started cracking. the fixations, the mania, the dissociation. the cruelty, the loss of empathy, to me, your beloved partner, and to your friends, and to many others. all while you still wanted empathy for yourself. all while you were scared to be hurt and judged and unloved.

i know i should give you up. i know i should slowly start to forget about you. i know i should play cat and mouse, ignore you, see if you will start begging me again, like you already did. and if you don't beg me this time, then i should keep the game up, and find a new girl. in my own time, not too fast, not too desperately, but to meet new girls and to maybe fall in love with them, if the stars are aligned again.

but it hurts so much. you are so special to me. and i was so special to you. even now, even after all this, you still said so. you still said you think we'll have each other forever in some way, that you still think you'll come live with me, just not now. because right now you have to be the cruellest creature on the planet and treat me like i'm nothing but a button you can press when you get bored, all because you think your Borderline is your entire personality, that all of this "has to" happen, that you "need" this, that what you "want" when you're manic is not ruining your life, sabotaging your happiness.

i wish i could just say, "goodbye, i know you will miss me one day but it will be too late, i will have moved on, and you will have to bear the consequences of your actions and feel the weight of the pain". or, "goodbye, i know you probably won't even miss me because you're so delusional and not yourself that i'm not sure you'll ever be yourself again, and i guess that's not my problem anymore".

or, "goodbye for now. maybe you will survive, and maybe i will see you later. maybe you will be yourself again, and understand that you were not sane. maybe we will love again. or maybe you will die, and i will mourn you, but i will know that the girl i loved was no longer in that body, and hope that you finally feel peace."

but i can't feel any of this. i just want her back. i want her to be like she used to be. i want her to love me, and only me. i want her to be healthy and happy with me again, to smile like the sun. to be grounded and not fixated or manic or dissociated. and most of all, i want her to be safe. because where she is now, she is not safe. and that makes it very hard to let go of her. to think she might die while i am ignoring her to see if it will make her talk to me, do better, when she realises how she misses me. to think that cat and mouse game might be the last thing that ever happens between us. i can't handle that. i hate these games. i hate her disorder for doing this to her. i hate her parents and society for abusing her and causing her this trauma and this disordered behaviour. i love her so much and i want her to be safe and i want her to be herself and i want to have her back.

i really hope she finally gets help. i really hope it's not too late. i really hope she won't be in physical danger. i really hope she will become herself again. i really hope that somehow, i can have her back, the way she was.

and i really hope i start giving up. i hope i start internalising how much she hurt me. how much of the time that she was not very good to me. how much of the time she was unfair, selfish, even when she was good. how much effort it took her to do the most basic things, like helping out with meals, even when she was at her best, even when we felt that we loved each other fully, even when she was relatively healthy, she was really not well, and she was not a very good partner. she loved me, and that was all i wanted. i could put up with everything else. i could put up with her not helping out, with her being insensitive, with her saying some stupid things even when she wasn't being that cruel. i could put up with anything, i could be patient with her "until she feels better", until we have jobs and until we live together full-time, until she can get therapy, until our lives are easier. i could put up with anything, no matter how long, if she just loved me, and wanted me. and she did. and it almost killed me.

[thorninyourpaw]

the new level of depression that unlocks a couple weeks into being 20 is definitely not my favourite i can’t even really cry about it it’s just this constant dull knife directly in the heart you can feel your heart trying to beat around it but the very act of your body trying to keep itself alive is just agony because every beat just guides the knife further in. it’s not even a particular sadness anymore it just feels like all my emotions have gone stale i feel everything and nothing at the same time i can’t enjoy myself every single action makes me feel nothing but guilt and i don’t even know why it keeps me awake at night even just messaging someone new keeps me awake for fucking days

every single night i think about when i messaged geoff snd i want to throw up because i feel like the most fucking annoying person on the face of the planet i want to rip my head off guilt over everything just consumes me guilt for everything i do guilt for everything i chose not to do it surrounds every single thing i do i’m so tired i’m so tired of being unable to be happy i’m tired of living in this house i can’t have peace quiet privacy medication time to just cry time to breathe space i dont have a door she used to deny me of any medication or therapy because she “thought i was fine” but now she says we’ll do it that i can have medication but she just keeps lying like she always does about everything and i’m not sure what hurts worse it��s too late anyway it’s too late to fucking try my body is mangled my brain is in pieces ive already euined everything my family is dying thinking and knowing that i’m useless ive seen so much fucking horror ive seen so much ive experienced so much anf i wanted none of it i just want to be happy i just want someone to love me but i need someone to take care of me and i know who i want and who i wanted and it’s just all fucking useless to even bother thinking about what life would be like because it wont happen im not worth the trouble worth the fucking fight worth all the fuccking bullshit i put everyone through i dont want anyone new but no one in my life would ever ever ever want to fucking deal with me like that because nothing is never enough but everything is always too much i cant deal with affection half the time it makes me want to fucking vomit but i need someone to want to just let me rest my head in their lap when i need it i need so much space but none at the same time i want attention but when im getting attention when i dont want it it makes me fucking sick in the stomach and makes me want to run away nobody wants to deal with that to deal with all this stupid fucking bullshit because its so fucking easy to throw myself off or get thrown off and i feel like a horrible fucking person because im just fucking impossible and i just make it miserable for everyone and things just keep getting worse and worse and one day i might not even be able to stand someone even complimenting me and i dont understand ehy it keeps getting worse and why my body goes against what my brain wants or my brain goes against what my body wants why can nothing work why can’t affection just make me happy why cant i just be normal why cant i just fucking be normal wnd have a normal life and have a family who likes me have a dad that doesnt just keep surveillance on me have a mum that’s truthful and doesn’t try to make me relapse that doesnt hurt me that didnt lock me in a garage with sick kittens dying in my arms becayse she refused to take them to a vet no matter how much i screamed and cried who doesnt confuse me so much that doesnt make me feel so upset and sad and confused and angry for loving her a mum that doesnt get angry at every tiny thing i do that just is a good mum why cant i have friends that want to see me and just have a picnic or just go to a beach ones that dont live hours away ones that will just be kind kaja broke my heart because she makes the prank tattoo into this weird branding thing when i just wanted to make both of us laugh she insults me and tries to freak me out she just wants to ridicule me

i dont understand why so many people just want to hurt me why im so deserving of it why nobody wants to be gentle and why i can’t just let someone be gentle without being terrified they’ll leave and it’ll all go wrong and they’ll start hurting me like so many other people i just want someone to say something other than “oh that sucks” or “oh im sorry” when i tell them something that hurts me i want people to react when i tell them about abuse about loss about what’s happened to me becayse no one reacts no one says a thing and it kills me i just want someone to think what ive been through is bad i want someone to just tell me how i feel is okay i want people to stop acting like its normal like its not even worth commenting on i want people to hurt for me instead of ignoring me and my emotions i want someone to really fucking care i just eant a normal life

[goremet-chef]

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

[lovecatsys]

Everyone keepd telling me that i feel too sorry for myself. I just want. Emotions go away. Pls just let my emotiond go away

[idealspawn]

i realllyy dont want 2 reunite w one of my friends although i really do care for her but im the only one she knows in this city. she also told me shes really fucked mentally rn and will tell me abt everything in real life but i literally dont want to know abt it or need to know abt it, its not my baggage to carry. we havent really spoken much in a long while but as soon as shit hits the fan she crawls back to me to be her therapist but i have been doing so fucking well recently and i dont think friendships should be this all-encompassing anymore and its not personal but im afraid if ill set my boundaries she will take it personally and i dont want her mental health to get even worse bc of it. she keeps texting me abt how she misses me and abt things she wants to do w me and counting the days until she moves here but i dont want to see her. she tells me she has changed and grown and wants to start from a clean slate but she is one of the friends to whom ive given soooo many chances and it has been exactly the same every time. its good for like a month or two but then we start holding eachother back and i turn into a person w her that i dont like. im fine w being her friend but distantly because any time we get too close its just so draining and id rather just love her from a distance calmly. i dont want to fully cut her out of my life but i know we cant be close either because our dynamic just doesnt work like that, two strong personalities sometimes just clash despite love for one another. she also used to have a crush on me for like years meanwhile i just didnt like her like that and she became waaayy tooo dependent on me and i already then felt horrible rejecting her because her mental health is so unstable but i have to deal w my own shit too...

[lokisprettygirl]

hi sorry, thought this be a better place to rant about TB because evidently the length of said rant doesnt accommodate the number of character available in the comments. anyway, sorry if this is rather lengthy and if this is ever a bother

nooo wtf. first of all, lokis back story in cairo, wtf sameera or whatever her name was. he was beaten to a pulp, darling im so sorry. Things like that make me want to be there and be the one to comfort and nurse him back to full health and it just brakes my heart that he was beaten up in the first place. That bitch didnt deserve him at all, im so sorry darling that you had to fall for that wretched girl only to be left broken and beaten, im so so sorry darling.

second of all, i understand why he's trying to sever the intimate and sacred contact they shared because, one he doesnt want to get hurt again, two he feels guilty that that bloody bastard steve laid a hand on her and hurt and left a mark on her and he wasnt there to help and save her, three he knows he has to give her up when she get married to steve and he cant be there to save her from the torture she going to endure from him and four he's afraid of the capability and power steve and her father have of hurting or killing him like with what happened with whats her name and the fact that she might do the same thing she did

third of all, I understand y/n as well. shes trusted him and he broke whatever that was they had and it hurt her. it made her think and believe in the things those horrible people said to her. Its also making her think that she like poison, that if she gets involved with someone else they'll leave her or they'll get hurt or taken away from her or they'll use her for their own evil scheme. (honestly this might be a terrible metaphor)

Honestly the internal conflict i have with myself will cause my untimely death, Im always like this, I understand or at least try to see both sides and this is great example of it

and lastly four, erik stevens sounded rather familiar to me and i looked it up and it turns out its actually killmonger (sorry i always call him that and might have forgotten his actual name)

Now wtf (it appears i have said this way to much i apologize) now their separated and they thought they still had that time even though they arent "friends" anymore, it still hurts them that their separated ( i dont think this paragraph makes sense sorry) Now lokis appointed to who im assuming is bitchannah or something (honestly i really dont care for the name of the characters that annoy me)

And steve you conniving asshole, thats it hes a bloody fucking bastards asshole. Honestly, everyone but y/n and loki is a narcissistic, self centered asshole that dont give a bloody fuck about anyone but themselves. (then i remembered her mother and that lady from the shelter, their good)

wow im sorry for the length and if this ever bothers you, im simply ranting of how i perceive these characters and this is a testament to your brilliant writing. You are a brilliant brilliant writer and dont let anyone think else, (even me if i ever do or did, which i hope not, if i ever did it wasnt my intention). The complexity in the stories that you muster up to conjure in your head is already brilliant but to share it to the world and to us or me personally is a privilege so thank you

again im sorry for the length of this and wish you a good day darling and hope you get better soon. sending all the love 😊❤️💜💙💚💛😊

Never apologise for a long comment or ran or feedback as I like to call it. Trust me your comments are everything that keeps me going and makes me want to update faster. 😘😘💚

Yeah Sameera really fucked him up badly, he is broken too, just in a different way and they both need to love each other to fix each other. It's just a perfect fit, he's the safe harbor she wants and she's the validation he needs. But their attraction for each other isn't limited to what they need from each other , they both want to protect each other selflessly and that says alot

And yes the new bodyguard is in

I just wanted to finally bring a side character I really like but never have written before

Whether he'd be a friend or foe? We will see 👀👀

You're making me cry with the last paragraph, lately I have been feeling even worse about my writing for some reason but this made me feel so validated. I try to give my characters a solid foundation and I'm just super happy that you feel so invested in them. Thank you for this ask my dear 😍💚

I'm sending all the love too 💓💓

[burnedbyshoto]

a brush of luck

— In a world where soulmates exist you can communicate yours with a brush of a pen. It just doesn’t help that you are a certified idiot with a skill in misplacing things. —

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pairing: todoroki shouto x reader

warnings: fluff, angst, soulmate!au, cursing

word count: 4,229

a/n: this is for the bnaharem collab and I was super horrible and was not ready and i just woke up and threw this together please dont hate me uhuhuhuhhh see the masterlist here!!!

message to join my tag list!

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“Hey, y/l/n, you forget this!”

Your hair was falling into your face, your face flustered, and your binders filled with paper seemed to be liquid as they slowly fell to the ground.

Kaminari stood behind you when you turned around. His lips were picked into a kind smile. It was a teasing one too by the small glint in his eyes while he held onto your backpack and phone. A look of self-realized stupidity washed over your face when your head threw back into a groan. How stupid were you, really?

“I���m so sorry!” you exclaimed, throwing your things onto the nearest desk. You felt the tips of your ears burn with embarrassment when Kaminari helped you slip on your backpack and pocketed your phone in the jacket pocket. “I swear I’m the most forgetful person in the world.”

“Well, you do really clinch the title of the person who would forget their head if it wasn’t on their shoulders.”

Snorting, you shoved him with your shoulder, and he helped you regather your things with a low groan.

“Let’s see the tattoo,” you grin, ready to head out once again. Groaning loudly, Kaminari didn’t seem to want to give in to your demand, but still, with a twitch of his eye and a shove of his sleeve, he showed off his arm. “You know what, I’m going to say it—”

“I’m going to say it, I don’t care that you broke your elbows,” Kaminari finishes the phrase with you with a snort.

“Do you think it’s the first thing out of their mouth or matching tattoo?” you asked curiously when you blond best friend also prepped to leave the classroom for the day. 

“I hope its the first thing out of their mouth, imagine how fucking ultra sexy foxy hot that would be,” Kaminari moaned, his eyes rolling to the back of his eyes at the thought. Gagging at the visual horniness of that thought, you walked away, grinning at the way that Kaminari stumbled over his feet to catch up with you.

This was the world you lived in, the world of soulmates.

You weren’t sure when they had first started, but you know that it wasn’t always a phenomenon that was around. When you roamed the internet looking at old, old stories on soulmates, these theories, these worlds were built on one single concept.

They wrote about a world of black and white for everyone until that fateful moment, or matching tattoos for everyone. But no, this world was much more complicated, much more detailed. Yes, in the world there were a lot of theories that ended up being true, but the thing they didn’t see coming was that every couple — every polyamorous relationship consisted of a unique theme.

Kaminari’s soulmate was linked with tattoo’s, and the purpose behind said symbol was unknown, unheard of until he met them. Yours, as you could guess and know, was also different. Pressing your fingers against the pen that sat on the inside pocket of your uniform jacket, you smiled when Kaminari’s arm was thrown around you.

“At least you’ve never lost or forgotten that pen of yours, that would be dangerous!”

“I promise I will never ever forget it.”

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You sat on your bed nearing midnight. You were cocooned into your blankets flipping through your Hero Lawbook that you were supposed to have read months ago, but now finally was. Humming to yourself, you read through the apparent laws and the not so evident laws.

For instance, there is a law that Pro Heroes are not allowed to eat off the edge of buildings anymore! American transfer students had littered so much it became a law!

Snorting to yourself, you flipped the page.

But something warm pressed into your forearm, the most heated energy that sent shivers down your spine. It was comforting as it was ethereal. The second your body recognized the feeling, the Hero Lawbook went soaring across the room, and you grabbed your pen that was waiting at your side for ages now. 

Hi, sorry I’m just able to get back to you. I had a bunch of homework and friends who just let me leave them.

Smiling to yourself, you twirled the pen in your fingers and scribbled down your response:

It’s all good, I’ve been studying this entire time too, was just bored and didn’t respond to you earlier today!

Your soulmate theme was straightforward and quite comprehensive — it was dubbed the Forearm and Pen theme (you hated that theme). You could communicate with your soulmate by writing with the pen on your arm, but it only worked with that pen, nothing else.

The year you were to turn sixteen, you received a pen from literally out of the blue. You remember celebrating New Year with your class in your first year at U.A.; it had been an enjoyable night! Everything in life was still going fantastic, and your class was finally past the excellent friend’s point and felt like a genuine family. You remember hugging and telling everyone good night, still being fifteen at that point, and stumbling back to your room exhausted.

When you had gotten back to your room, you didn’t even undress; simply tugging off your pants and removing your bra, you threw yourself onto the bed. But you had landed on something stiff and painful, groaning your hands shuffled for whatever it was that you fell on, and when you grabbed it, you froze at the sight of the white box. 

Was this a gift?

Your entire life, you had always wondered if you did have a soulmate, most people you knew after all had soulmate markers that appeared since birth. But you were perfectly normal. You saw all colors; you had no shared pain; there was no tattoo, no mind link, no dream meetings.

Nothing.

You were normal.

Sighing, you opened the box, hoping that it was from someone you at the very least respected.

Inside was a silver pen.

You blinked your eyes rapidly, unsure of what you were looking at, there were no initials, no engraving, nothing. 

It was an exquisite pen, and despite what you thought, it was very, very light. Frowning, your fingers pushed down on the pen, but there was nothing that came out, was there no ink?

Shrugging, you dragged it against your arm feeling the way that the cool tip delicately massaged your arm. It felt nice.

“Holy shit!”

Your eyes saw the pretty grey silvery ink on your forearm. It stood out against your skin, the ink appearing nowhere else but your arm, and then it hit you.

This was for your soulmate!

With excitement tearing through you, your exhaustion no longer bitting on your skull, but the overwhelming need to know that this was for your soulmate shook you awake. Twirling the pen in your fingers, you couldn’t help but start writing.

OMG HI

You sat there staring at your forearm, unsure as to what to do next. What do you do next?

Hey?

If your heart could be anywhere but your chest, you were nearly positive it existed within your throat at this very moment. This was nervewracking, holy shit.

Sorry, you don’t know me, but I’m ___ ___.

You frowned when you tried to write your name, it was stopping you.

It seems that we do have some rules to this entire thing.

They responded back to you, and as if they could hear you, you groaned loudly.

This soulmate shit was already stopping your excitement, it seemed.

From that very first night, the two of you were able to discover a few things. First off, anything too personal was not allowed to be written out. So names, location, and gender were the biggest ones. Birthdays were not, and you were quick to find out that both of you were still fifteen. Second of all, just because you couldn’t figure out where exactly you both were located, you did manage to put together that you were both in Japan. Third of all, your soulmate was a Hero in Training just like you and was a male. Last, of all, you were quick to realize that you were in love with the way your body felt like it was gently warming up whenever he messaged you.

I think I deserve a round of applause.

You grinned after writing your sentence, your eyes watching while the warmth filled your body and his writing slowly appearing on your forearm.

Did you not forget anything today? I find that hard to believe.

You had to suppress a scream.

WELL, IT HAPPENED! I GOT EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO BRING BACK TO MY ROOM WITH ME!!

Weren’t you the one who forgot to bring your entire backpack to school the other day?

NO! I said I almost did, but my bestie got it for me!

How do you forget everything? I think you should try to make a list to make sure that you always have things you need for the day.

... I do… but I always lose the list, and im always running late…

You’re the worst…

Congrats bbg, I’m your soulmate

The world really doesn’t want to bless me with a good life, it seems…

HEY, THAT’S MEAN!

The two of you banter for what seems like hours, the night sky fading from blackness to the deep blue of the sky right before the sunrise. You had spent the entire night curled into your pillow, your face shoved into the soft fabric to suppress your chortling snorts because you geniunely enjoyed interacting with your soulmate. But it was late, and you both had classes early that next morning.

Okay, asshole, I need to sleep! I got this stupid test tomorrow that I did not study for. I'll write to ya tomorrow!! Goodnight!!!

Don’t be rude to your soulmate :( but goodnight, and good luck on that test, sorry for keeping you up.

Smiling at his words, you put the pen to your forearm one last time.

I will never ever accept your apology for making me stay up, I love talking with you, goodnight soulmate, sweet dreams.

You placed the pen down, your eyes fluttering close, heavy with sleep. But still, no exhaustion could suppress the fluttering warmth in your body when words appeared on your arm. 

Sweet dreams, soulmate.

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“Fuck, sorry,” you groaned when you sleepily slammed into the person standing in front of you. 

Blinking tiredness away from your eyes — poorly at that too — you focused up at Shouto. Grinning, you waved at your classmate, who looked almost as exhausted as you felt and definitely looked.

“It’s okay,” he nodded at you stepping to the side so that the two of you could walk side to side.

“You ready for that test today?” you asked after moments of silence.

You and Todoroki Shouto were not as close as you would like to be. Since day one, you had always had a thing for the duality of a man, and while it was mostly superficial feelings derived from the fact that he was attractive above anything else, it still made you awkward around him. At the time, your feelings were still holding you down, you always fully believed that you had no soulmate, so you thought maybe you could sweep him off his feet. It was rumored that his scar covered up his own soulmate mark, so there was no way for him to know who his soulmate was.

Selfishly and embarrassingly, you hoped that you could have him.

Then you met your soulmate, and things changed.

But now you and your classmates were all eighteen and held the world in your hands, yet you couldn’t speak to him usually still.

“There’s no test today?” Shouto stilled, his eyes narrowing in confusion, and your eyes screwed too.

“Isn’t it… Friday? We have a Hero Law test?”

“Y/l/n,” Shouto snorted a grin spreading across his features, “It’s Wednesday.”

If there was a god, he would shoot you right now.

Your cheeks burned with embarrassment while you walked faster to the classroom, Shouto keeping up with your pace easily, he was taller than you after all.

“Shut up,” you warned, your gaze not reaching Shouto’s who was staring at you.

“I wasn’t speaking.”

“I could hear you thinking!”

Shouto put on a smirk, his eyes teasing you, and his mouth dropping to speak, but there was a loud interruption.

“Y/L/N-CHAAAANNNNNN!!!!”

Both of you turned to see Kaminari chasing after you, his arms waving, looking out of breath.

“YOU FORGOT YOUR JACKET AND TIE!”

Shouto chuckled beside you, and you stared down to see that you were, in fact, only wearing half of your uniform. If there’s a god, he will end you now, you thought.

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You're not serious right now, are you?

Going on three years of knowing your soulmate, or at the very least talking with him, you thought you had a good understanding of who he was. He was strong, powerful, and kind. He came off a bit standoffish at times but was the dumbest person you’ve ever known. Common sense was not his friend, and that was okay. 

Even at times when the two of you had your differing opinions because it did happen, it never snowballed more into a small annoyance that the two of you would apologize for and move on. But this was something that shouldn’t have had become a fight, it shouldn’t have been anything more potent than a difference of opinion, but when you suggested entertaining the thought of when the two of you would finally meet, he was uncharacteristically cold. 

Hurt by his tone, you told him, and he said you to grow up until it became this written fight.

Why couldn’t you talk about meeting?

Why didn’t he want to think about what would happen when the two of you would meet?

It was getting ugly for no reason, a fight just to fight, and it was making you nauseous.

But he crossed a line that couldn’t be fixed when he wrote a simple sentence:

Just because you’re my soulmate doesn’t mean I have to love you, meet you, or marry you.

So there you sat, your bottom lip trembling with tears streaking down your blotchy face. He wasn’t being serious, was he? There was no way… no fucking way this was him. The warmth that flooded your body with his new message felt ice-cold, poisoning you from the inside out while you read it.

You're my soulmate, but I have no obligation to do anything with you now or ever. The world chose you for me, not me. I didn’t choose you. I don’t owe you anything here. Soulmates are bullshit and don’t fucking bother messaging me again if you expect me to fall in love with you just because our “souls are connected”

It was needless to say that you didn’t respond back, not because you felt like he should love you because of your connected souls, but because your sobbing and broken emotions left you curled into a ball, ready for a sleepless slumber to take you.

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“You don’t look too hot,” Kaminari told you, hitting you with his foot when your bleary and puffy eyes stared at your best friend.

Kirishima and Mina, who were sitting beside him, elbowed him at the same time, berating him for his insensitive comment. You could feel Sero and Bakugou staring at you, their eyes concerned and curious. 

“What’s eating ya up?” Sero asked, and you found a rock-forming in your throat when you shrugged.

“Soulmate problems…”

“That was fucking obvious,” Bakugou rolled his eyes, taking a drink of his water. “Tell us the problem, not a stupid summary.”

Surprisingly that’s all it took for you to come undone, and you explained what happened with tears falling down your face and a sniffling nose. There was a lot to tell them about it, and you showed them the pen while explaining the entire story. They listened to every word you uttered, faces concern but taking in everything you said.

“You’re an idiot,” Bakugou spoke the second you were finished, his eye twitching while he glared at you. You swallowed thickly, placing the pen on the table while Bakugou edged closer towards you. “He’s not wrong, you know, stupid fucking soulmates are just this irrational solution to an irrational problem. Love is much more complex than that, and you don’t seem to have been fighting for him in that way either, sure you seem like good friends, but that doesn’t give you the right to expect him to love you. But he was a complete fucking dick about it, so I say kill him.”

Your — and all of the rest of your friend group — eyes widened at his words. With nothing to follow him up, you all continued to stare at him while he munched on his food.

“WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING EXTRAS LOOKING AT!”

“Is Bakugou a love expert?” Mina’s stage whispered to the group.

“He almost was, but then he said to kill y/n’s soulmate, so probably not anymore,” Kirishima responded back.

“SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I KILL YOU!”

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It took four days before the warm feeling shot through your body again.

Fuck, I'm really sorry, I was a complete fucking dick. I said a lot of things, and i didn’t mean to say I was angry and upset, and I know that you're upset, rightfully upset, but i don’t want to lose you.

No matter how long it took for him to get back to you, your heart squeezed with euphoria and poison, your hands moving to grab your pen in your pocket.

It wasn’t there.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

You tore apart your room, trying to find the silver pen but you couldn’t find it.

Stay as mad as you want, I just… please talk with me soon, even if it takes five days. I'm sorry, soulmate.

Frustrated tears poured down your face, nausea almost making you wheeze when you stared at the words you wanted to reply to.

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One day after he apologized:

Don’t want to bother you, just wanted to apologize again and say that I miss you, talk to you soon.

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Five days after he apologized:

I’m not really sure if this is normal or not… I'm not really… educated when it comes to romance and shit like that, especially when it comes to someone being upset with the other… my female classmates told me that I should expect a response from you soon. I'm really sorry, please write soon.

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So it seems that i’ve fucked up to the point of no return. I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you. Maybe one day I can reconvince you that I'm your soulmate for a good reason, but I guess I’ll have to work on that.

It had been fourteen days since he had apologized, and you sat in your room with tears streaming down your face. You wanted to respond back, but even fourteen days of tirelessly searching U.A.’s entire campus, ripping it stone by stone, there was no finding your pen. Every day without fail, he gave you an update of his day and another apology. Every day they got more hopeless, more pained.

This was his last message for a while, he needed time to work things out with himself now, the strain of this and graduation coming soon being too much to handle at the moment. 

Wiping your tears for what felt like the hundredth time within this past twenty minutes, you stood up on your wobbly legs to go downstairs for water. You were dehydrated and absolutely needed to get out for both fresh air and water.

Walking down the stairwell with swollen eyes, you groaned when you slammed into a body when you opened the door to the common area. 

Shouto blinked down at you, and you felt your throat clampdown at the pained look in his own eyes.

“Have you been—”

“Are you—”

You both spoke over each other, and despite the horrid feeling coursing through your bones, you cracked a smile.

“I’m getting water,” you explained with a shrug. “Long night ya know, just needed to replenish my system so I can cry some more.”

Shouto stared at you, and with horror, you realized precisely what you had said.

“Oh my god, ignore me!” you squeak, covering your face trying to move past him, but Shouto seemed to be curious now and followed after you.

“What’s making you cry?” he asked while you rush to the fridge to get your glass of water.

“What’s got you upset?” you counter downing the cup of water.

Shouto sighed, leaning against the counter of the island in the kitchen. “Would it be weird to say its soulmate issues?”

Swallowing the water in your mouth, you shook your head, a tired smile on your face, “Embarrassingly enough, my issue is also with soulmate stuff.”

A joyless chuckle escaped his mouth, and Shouto’s head tilted backward. You studied his jaw and the way his body seemed tense, too tense.

“What happened?” you press gently standing next to him, shouldering him gently.

“I fucked up, and now my soulmate won’t talk with me,” he says slowly, his head nodding while he glances at you. “I guess telling your soulmate you don’t want them is a bad thing.”

You snorted, nodding your head in agreement, “It’s not just a bad thing, its a super fucked up thing.”

Shouto sighed in agreement, and there was silence when you took another drink of your water.

“I didn’t know you were in contact with your soulmate, though,” you smile wistfully, your hand twirling the cup on the counter. “How’d you meet them?”

“I actually don’t know who they are,” Shouto admitted with pursed lips, and your eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “I have that soulmate thing where you write on your arm, and they can read it.”

Showing off his arm, you glanced at the pale skin. You nodded your head when he pulled out a silver pen that looked similar to yours.

“Well,” you shrug your shoulders, motioning him to write. “I’m no expert, but let’s see if I can help you get your soulmate to forgive you.”

“T-They haven’t responded to me in two weeks…” Shouto’s voice cracks, and the number burns a hole through your stomach. “I’ve written every day, but no answer. I don’t really know what to do, and all the girls in the class don’t really know what to do. Bakugou also said to go fuck myself over it, so I don’t think I really have had any help.”

Ignoring the twisting in your stomach, you willed your weirdness away to shuffle in your seat, “Well, you haven’t asked me, asshole, come on, let’s see what I can do.”

Shouto chuckles, his head nodding, “That is true, but to be fair, you’ve been anywhere, but in the dorm these past few weeks.”

“I lost something,” you mutter embarrassed, but you shake away your problems and point at his wrist. “Write an apology.”

You watched when he wrote, the words expressing his apology and love seeping through the silvery ink on his wrist. You told him to add things to delete things, but in the end, it ended up feeling like a genuine and sincere apology. You watched his pen leave his skin and a warmth shot through your arm. 

Shivering, you looked at your arm, trying to see what your soulmate had written to you even though he said he was going to stop.

The words he wrote appeared on your skin.

Your eyes widened when you stared at Shouto, who was also staring at your arm. 

Your eyes met in an almost world-altering way. This entire time, for three whole years, the two of you had been by each other and never knew. Midnight conversations wasted through ink instead of face to face. Your heart hammered in your throat, and tears once again poured from your eyes when you both stood at full height, staring at each other.

Todoroki Shouto was your soulmate — he was yours, and you were his.

“I’m so sorry, y/n, I don’t know what happened to me. You didn’t deserve that, and fuck, I’m so sorry—”

“I lost my pen, and I couldn’t respond back, I forgave you, but I had no way of reaching back! But I was always forcing myself onto you—”

You both interrupted the other, and now you stared at each other, drinking in the presence of each other and belittling yourselves for not knowing sooner; looking at it now, it was just so obvious. You can’t help it and pull him into a hug. His strong arms wrap around you, and you can hear his hammering heart on your ear, and it fills you up with the familiar warmth when he writes you. This seemed to be a brush of luck it seems.

“Can I kiss you, soulmate.”

“Please do.”

[doggerell]

wow sending an ask to myseld wow how crazy. do sam a.wesamdude

wow such a lovely request me 💚 thank you I thought you would never ask

I got unnormal and Angry so under the cut it is

theres literally not much I can say cause I should keep this on the dl but they dont know. they dont know they have no idea they dont know the things that I do. all I can say is I am possibly the third highest Sam understander in the world. including his actor himself.

the only issues he gets of mine are sadism (which he already has) and aromanticism (which I mean…. this guys got major of romantic issues I had to)

(this is where it starts to derail) Sams done horrible things and he self justifies and rationalizes so much and its so sexy but also look me in the fucking eyes. Dream is not fucking undeserving. canonically Sam didnt ever touch Dream in prison anyway, he just allowed torture to occur but he did NOT starve him and he did NOT personally beat him. if ur gonna claim that I need you to look me in the eyes and explain to me that you understand that Dream kidnapped, isolated, and abused a teenager and drove him nearly to the point of suicide. he is not some uwuw tortured sweet angel. I love Dreams character so much but not because hes so tortured baby. but because hes a twisted and sick and obsessed individual. hes an excellent villain and hes so good at manipulation that all these stupid fans have fallen for it too despite the fact that he CONTINUOUSLY reinforces the fact that his character is evil to the bone and did not change and ounce from his imprisonment and is still just as obsessed with the abuse of a teenager. I know Im taking this too seriously and Im a huge villain enjoyer and if people were enjoying him for that I would be fine with it but these people literally act like exile doesnt exist when its one of THE most important arcs of the whole series. it takes up a whole fucking season like what were u doing during s2

and the abuse of Tommy that is mirrored and reinforced in Sam when hes in prison like AUUGGHHGHHH. YOU GUYYYS ARE STUPID THESE ARE INTENTIONAL PARALLELS. but people dont like or havent fucking seen Sams imprisonment/exile….2! and it makes me so angry. girl it literally spells everything out for you and was done like old style lore quick succession day after day streams

anyway back to Sam. raging over. literally fucked up men of all time. man has trauma up to here and only understands violence and love through violence and will always fall back into his abusers traps. he can never escape Dream hes literally carved into his skin and soul

the way this fandom either completely demonizes Sam and hates him for shit he didnt even fucking do (at least get it right!!!! hes done plenty of fucked up shit canonically!) or treats him like a uwu dad and smooths out all his intricacies and issues… fuck oooff. like my guy doesnt even care abt Tommy anymore. that self recognition and love and attempts to save Tommy like nobody ever saved him are GONE. Dream beat it all fucking out of him. he doubts exile now too like GOOODDDD hes so fucked in the head and so abused 💚 loyal hound always running back to his masters side 💚 governed by a short leash and a spiked collar, can never get too much of his own power because the second he does its turned on him tenfold

his refusal to kill Dream but killing R,anboo almost without hesitation to try and draw Dream back to prison GETTTTS ME. he cant kill Dream. he will inflict unspeakable violence on others but he cant personally lay a hand on Dream. most of my fics involve him hurting Dream to try and get back at him and realizing hes just falling into exactly what Dream wants for him, but the flavor of being unable to lay a hand against him is SO yummy. he can watch, he can allow torture to take place, but he cant have that responsibility, that weight on his shoulders. a good dog cannot bite the hand that feeds.

his own first death is SO GOOD. dying at Dreams hand after beginning to trust and believe in Dream again, falling once more until the lull of love and believing his lies and manipulation and Dream literally slamming it back in his face again that he will always hurt Sam and he will never change

Sams absence is so important to me but Im so sad he didnt have an important role until s3. I need to watch more of his s2 stuff to get a better picture of what I can work with there.

GOOOOODD PEOPLE DONT KNOW ABT HIS ABSENCE. gutz from berk momence. the fact that I cant talk abt this kills me

he is my man of all time and my ch: loyal hound tag is Him. r: mark of the beast is him and Dream.

literally everything is better and makes more sense if you understand that Sam and Dream had a turned-toxic relationship before the story started/before Sams absence and Tommys joining

look at him :)