#fuck that im incredibly rattled

[crazylittlejester]

Ok so like, I've got this "What if" story idea bouncing around in my head that I would LOVE to write a fic about, but I feel like I can barely form a coherent thought these days, let alone a cohesive story, lol. But at the same time, this notion is absolutely ROTTING my brain, and I feel like at the very least I have to inflict it on someone else, so. Sorry. I thought of you first.

So like, it's pretty well agreed on that the dungeon the chain is exploring is (practically) in Hyrule's Hyrule, right? A.K.A. in the downfall timeline? So. . .

What if they encountered downfall!Time's ghost???

Do you think Time would realize it? Do you think he would recognize himself in this boy who faced the worst the world could throw at him and couldn't beat the odds, or do you think he has fought so hard to distance himself from the horrors of his youth that he fails to understand? Do you think he could even comprehend the possibility of his failure? (Because he could not fail he could not fail he will not fail—)

If he does recognize the ghost, how do you think he'd react?? Do you think he would see his ghost the way he sees the rest of the chain? Do you think Time would wish to have protected him the he tries to protect the rest of his boys? Or do you think he would hold the spirit to the same standards he holds himself, possibly even feeling shame or anger at the fact that he failed? (How could he fail how could I fail—)

And even beyond that, if Time discovered his ghost first, and alone, do you think he would try to hide it from the others???

And I know for a fact that Wars would recognize the ghost! Do you think he would somehow subtly realize that this isn't the same kid that he fought beside, or do you think that he would get this sinking feeling in his chest, that the boy who followed him through a war, for whom he did everything in his power to guide and protect and train, went through all of that just to die??? Do you think Wars would wonder if he could have prevented it???

And how do you think it would affect the whole chain, to be so suddenly and so jarringly confronted by their survivorship bias? That maybe they aren't the only heroes—they're just the only ones who lived.

And that doesn't even touch on all the angst of the ghost, who is now being confronted with all of these heroes who *did* make it, who *did* beat Ganon and save Hyrule and I just jkdkalhalshskla

Anyways, once again, sorry, but this is all the words I can actually word and I don't want it rattling around in my skull all alone lol

IM SO SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY SAVED THIS TO DRAFTS INSTEAD OF POSTING IT 😭

first of all this is absolutely fucking devastating, i’m destroyed (im obsessed)

At the point he’s at in his life right now, I feel like part of Time would be able to look at this other him and his heart would drop because this child is so painfully a child. I feel like he would know this kid tried his BEST, but wasn’t able to beat the odds and I think that would destroy him inside. I feel like he MIGHT try to hide this from the chain, or at least try to stop them from drawing the connection that it’s basically HIM, but I don’t think he’d be angry at Downfall Him. I think he’d feel survivors guilt but 50 times worse because why was HE the version of himself who got to live. He wouldn’t know how to react or how to treat the ghost, he’d be frozen

Warriors would also be absolutely destroyed, this boy doesn’t know him at all, but the idea that he COULD’VE known THIS kid but didn’t get to would hurt his heart so bad. He’d be able to be so incredibly gentle with him in a way Time wouldn’t be able to at the beginning, but I think through how Warriors would be able to treat this ghost Time would be more comfortable around him and maybe even be able to treat his actual self with more kindness

The survivors guilt would hit them all so hard, and seeing what Time looked like during his journey would be like seeing pictures of your grandparents when they were your age. Like, the fact that this kid is dead aside, they’re seeing baby Time

DONT APOLOGIZE FOR YAPPING IM OBSESSED WITH THIS IDEA, IM SO SO SORRY IT GOT STUCK IN MY DRAFTS FOR SO LONG 😭

[turianmailman]

Noooo way. No fucking way. On god i just got into balder's Gate (i got into astarion actually) and i thought, i promise you i did, "uh, this feels like the kind of man turianmailman would draw so so so good. He has so much trauma, he is clever, he is patético in that perfect despertate way. Man he would look incredible with their style. Actually I havent checked on them for a while, I miss their Fakir... I'm going to check them out" and then i came here!!! And youre drawing the man!!! And he looks so good ando so desperate and traumatised!! Good good... Also your TAV???? In my mouth goes. Incredible the things you do with expressions. I'm well feed today.

IM RATTLING THE BARS OF MY CAGE YO this made my DAY you have no idea i read this ask out loud to my co worker I was so happy that a Flavor of Sad Man made you think of my art 😭😭😭 thank you so much!!!

As a treat have some vamps

[ohtobeleah]

Im crying, screaming, throwing up. Leah, you’re putting your whole ass pussy into these updates. I can’t wait for the next update.

Bro. The way I literally spent six hours writing this yesterday. Six! I couldn’t stop. I just had to get it out. Anyway, as always—here’s the Terms Of Endearment Masterlist

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Dot was a smart little girl. She knows when things aren't right. She knows when Bob pulls up in a driveway that isn't Jakes that something is wrong. With her little heart already broken enough from her traumatic pick up from daycare, but when she sees a woman standing out on the front veranda that isn't you, her bottom lip quivers. Where were you?

“Where's Mamma?” Dot asked as she came to from her nap in her booster seat, Bob felt his heart break inside his chest because how do you tell a two year old that their mother is in the hospital? 

“Mama’s gonna be back soon Dotty.” God Bob couldn't handle all this, he had no idea how you did it for so long without crying out for help. “Thanks for taking her on such short notice.” Bob is far too rattled for Chelsea Fitch to be comfortable with. “Jakes probably harassing the emergency department staff as we speak trying to get answers and Rooster was already there so–” 

“She's more than welcome for as long as needed.” Chelsea makes her way down the drive to where Bob is fishing Dot out of her booster seat. “She looks so upset–” Chelsea sighs. “Hi darling girl, it's okay baby come here.” With one swift motion, Bob was picking up the little girl everyone had gathered around to protect and handing her over to Reubans wife. Dot immediately snuggled into her shoulder, she's so tired and emotionally exhausted. There's only so much a two year old can take before they begin to shut down. “You know much about how she's doing?” 

“Nope, Jake fainted in the parking lot when he was on the phone with Rooster.” Bob relayed all that he knew as he unclipped the booster seats from the back of Penny's car to leave at the Finch household. “I didn't get a chance to ask much when I picked up the phone, just told Rooster we’d get there as soon as possible.”

“And by we you mean Amilia–” Bob just smiled, he caught the tone Chelsea used as she held Dot on her hip. Standing in the driveway as Chase clung to her leg. Bob Floyd loved the fact he wasn't the only one with a sibling he wasn't overly attached to. 

“Yes ma’am–” 

“Don't ma’am me Bob, I work for a living.” Bob couldn't keep his head from spinning on top of his shoulders if he tried. He couldn't keep up with the sharp wit and dry humour of the Australians he was suddenly in close vicinity to. 

“Sorry, sorry–force of habit.” Bob knew he should probably head over to Jakes and get some essentials sorted. It hadn't necessarily been a task bestowed upon him verbally, but Bob knew that he should, to do what he could within his means. “I'm gonna head off, I'll swing by Jakes and get some of Dot's things, stop by, then head over to the hospital.” 

“Can you tell my sister that for someone who's been in the states for less than three days on a soul searching quest or whatever bullshit she's on, she sure has a knack for finding trouble.” Chelsea chuckled as Bob just pressed his lips together in a thin line and nodded silently. “Come on bub’s let's get you two inside.” 

“Thanks again Chels–” Bob thanked Chelsea just one more time before he was heading off, leaving Odette Dolan in the Fitch’s capable hands while everything else seemed to fall through the cracks. 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***

“You feeling alright?” Amilia asked as she drove Jake in silence to the hospital. There wasn’t any music playing through the speakers this time. Just pure silence filled the cab of her sister’s Sante Fe. 

“I’m sorry you got caught up in all this.” Jake swerved the question Amilia had asked as he turned to take in Amilias profile. Fuck she was real pretty. “It was incredibly unfair of me to ask you to get involved.” 

“Your niece is a real cutie.” Amilia, still focusing on the road ahead, smiled as she flicked on her indicator, turning into the Miramar Base Hospital. “I don’t think I would’ve been able to live with myself if I didn’t do something.” 

“Yeah—“ Jake sighed, letting his head fall back against the headrest. “It definitely feels like that.” 

“If you don’t mind me asking, how long have your sister and her ex been separated?” Jake just looked at Amilia, who for a split second turned her head to look back at Jake. “I don’t mean to pry.” Jake took notice to the way Amilias voice sounded softer in her regret to ask. “And by all means man you don’t have to tell me shit—just tell me to shut up and my lips are sealed.” Jake couldn’t handle the way Amilia turned her head back to the road ahead, she was so genuinely concerned about what was going on to people she’d never met before. “I shouldn’t have asked, I’m sorry—it’s too personal.” 

“No, no you're good.” Jake cleared his throat, thinking about how to explain your circumstances. “Emotionally I’d say ever since the first time he laid his hands on her.” Jake remarked, balling his fist at the thought as he clenched his jaw. “But uh, she ran out on him a few months back, turned up on my doorstep beaten half to death with enough alcohol in her system that I would have believed her if she said she identified as a distillery.” Jake chuckled, it hurt to make peace with the fact this had been your life, your rock bottom. “I promised her if she stayed here then she’d be safe, that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt her yet here we are—“ Jake finally turned his head back to where Amilia sat in the driver's seat, looking for a park. “I don't know how to keep her safe.” 

Amilia didn’t respond straight away, the air was too heavy around her, she could feel the weight of Jake's world on her shoulders. No one deserved to feel that kind of guilt. It wasn’t his fault, what that Jaidyn guy had done wasn’t a reflection on Jake. He was only one person, how much could he honestly do? 

“The next dude that tries to kiss my fucking foreheads gonna cop a head-butt instead so we both end up hurt and confused.” Jake couldn’t help but to laugh softly as he looked at Amilia, this crazy, random woman he’d met that same morning felt like an extension of himself. Amilia had kissed him in the parking lot of his niece's day care not half an hour ago. Why had he not ended up copping a headbutt. He surely had a headache, but that was from smacking his head on the ground when he lost all control. 

“Can’t say that doesn’t sound like a good strategy—“ There’s a few moments of silence as Amilia gives up circling the full car park and just decides it’s probably best to drop Jake off at the emergency department. She hits the curb slightly and Jake cringes at the thought of the gutter rash her rims were gonna end up with. “Jesus—“ 

“Sorry.” It’s not hard to notice the embarrassment laced in Amilias tone as she puts the car in park. “I’m still getting used to the whole left side steering and right side roadway.” 

“How long have you been in the states for?” Jake asks, he’s reluctant to get out of the car because he knows the second he does he’s gonna lose his mind. Amilia Fisher seemed to keep Jake level headed. He needed that in all this, a guiding light. A lighthouse.

“Considering I’ve lost track of what day it is from the jet lag and copious amounts of caffeine I’ve been pumping I’d guest about three days, give or take a few hours.” 

“Three days and you're slashing people’s tyres!?” Jake genuinely laughs for the first time all day. He feels the butterflies in his stomach take flight when Amilia matches his energy and laughs with him, nodding. 

“I didn’t know what else to do!?” As the laughter drifted off into nothing, Amilia let herself settle into the back of her car seat. “You should probably get out now.” 

“I don’t think I can go in there.” Jake held back tears, he wasn’t ready to accept he’d let you down. “Can’t see her like that.” He wasn’t ready to face you. “I fucked up, I can’t—“ 

“Hey, listen.” Amilia cooed as Jake tried his best to hold himself together, he was falling apart at the seams. “Just breathe.” A gentle hand with manicured nails that make Jake's skin rise with goosebumps reaches out to cup his cheek. “She really needs you, but it’s okay to feel like you don’t have your shit together.” 

“You got anywhere to be?” Jake asked, it was his way of asking Amilia to stay. She just shook her head, she knew what he meant. 

“Been the longest fucking day ever and I could really use a beer, but I got absolutely nowhere else to be.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Bradley hated hospitals. He’d never been one to associate hospitals with good memories. It’s where he’d gone with his mum when he’d found out he’d died in a training accident and It was where he said goodbye to his mum one last time before she left to be with her best friend again. 

Now, as he sat in the waiting room tapping his foot on the ground impatiently waiting for someone, anyone to give him an update on how you were—he couldn’t help his mind from wondering. What if you were about to join the ever growing list of people Bradley Bradshaw had lost in his life? 

“Bradshaw!” Jake bellowed out as he came barreling through the front doors of the emergency department, Amilia in toe. “Where is she?” Rooster stood to meet Jake in an embrace that put all others to shame. Brother in arms. Jake wraps his arms around Bradley as Bradley took him in tight. Both silently silencing their painful sobs in each other's embrace. “Where is she?” 

“In surgery I think?” Rooster explained. “They wouldn’t tell me much because I still haven’t handed back the paperwork they asked me to fill out on her behalf.” It’s when Jake steps back that Bradley sees Amilia standing there. She’s a little on the short side, and by a little he means a lot. Respectfully Jake and Bradley tower over her. It wouldn’t be hard to lose her in a crowd. Amilia Fisher was definitely someone you’d tie a helium balloon to just to keep an eye on her. 

“Who’s this?” Bradley asks, he thinks he knows. She looks a little familiar. Jake just steps aside, allowing Amilia to outstretch her hand to shake Bradley’s. “God You look like someone I know—“

“Uh, Chelsea Fitch is my sister, you both apparently work with my brother in law.” It all clicks in Rooster's mind when he hears the mention of Payback's wife. “Amilia, Amilia Fisher.” 

“You’re the one who took the video this morning?” Bradley smirks, he can see the look on Jake’s face clear as day. The guys hooked. 

“That’s me.” Amilia confirms, Jakes just crossing his arms across his chest as Rooster sends him an all knowing look. He’d fallen in love at first sight with you, what was so hard to believe about the same happened to Jake Seresin. 

“She slashed Jaidyn’s tires too, made sure he couldn’t leave before Bob and I got there.” Jake mentioned and Bradley just raised his eyebrows in shock. 

“No shit?” 

“Bob took Odette to Paybacks place, he called me while I was on my way over—said he wouldn’t be too far away? Cyclone called off training for the rest of the week and sent everyone home.” Jake mumbled as he yawned, stretching his back out as he did so. 

“Yeah he said something about not being able to have people flying multi million dollar fighter jets around while there’s an internal investigation going on.” Bradley sighed. He was exhausted. “Where’s Jaidyn now?” 

“On his way to the station, I called the cops—they took him off in cuffs at the daycare.” Amilia explained as she looked around. “This a Military Hospital or General Public?” Bradley just looked at Jake who shrugged his shoulders back at him. Both men decided they needed to take a seat. Sitting side by side as Bradley handed Jake the half filled in paperwork. 

“How bad is it?” Jake asked under his breath. Bradley just pressed his lips together, he knew Jake had taken notice of the blood that stained Bradley’s hands and uniform. He knew what the answer was already. He just needed to hear Rooster say it. 

“Medic said her jaw was broken before we even got here, he must have really laid into her because I could hardly recognise her.” It absolutely killed Bradley to relay this information, he could see from the expression on Jake’s face alone that it killed him to know. But they needed to share each other’s heartbreak to get through this. “She’s tough though, never stopped fighting back—“ 

“We let her down.” Jake stated as a matter of fact. He was pissed at Jaidyn for everything he’d done to you but more importantly he was pissed at himself for allowing him to get close enough to her you. 

“I know.” Braldey swallowed the lump in his throat as Jake filled in everything he knew about you from a lifetime of friendship. It didn’t seem like enough though as he sat there, looking around to see if anyone was coming to update them. “I know we did.” 

Amilia opted to shout the two naval aviators who looked far too out of place a packet of chips from the vending machine. She knew well enough that they weren’t hungry, but they needed something in their system. Handing over the packet of chips, one each as she looked down at Bradley and Jake, gesturing for them to take the bags of air. 

“My favourite is cheese and onion but I can’t speak for Lays, wouldn’t know what’s good or bad here so I thought I’d play it safe with the original.” 

Jake just took Amilia in for all she was worth, Bradley could practically see the heart eyes he was sending over as he grazed Amilias outstretched hand and took the packet of chips. 

“Thanks—“ Jake cooed as Amilia came to sit beside him. Bradley hummed to himself when she opened her own packet, offering Jake a few from her packet in the hopes he’d share his with her in return. 

He did. 

Bradley couldn't help but to smile, Jake deserved to fall in love. He deserved someone who was as willing, kind, and above all as annoying as he was. Amilia Fisher gave off that vibe.

He just wished you were here to witness it too. 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

Admiral Beau Simpson had never felt more like a failure than he did in the moments he sat behind his desk recording on a blank disc the seven minute assault that had left you dangerously close to death. He had never seen such a violent act against a woman. But what else he saw amongst the beating was bravery—

“I need someone to contact the local authorities, this guy is an animal.” Cyclone explained as he tried to peel his eyes away from the monitor, but he couldn’t. He knew he owed it to you to sit there and watch what he’d let happen by not stepping in sooner. “Why are you still here?” 

“Sorry sir.” One of the administrators that Cyclone had called into his office babbled out as he ran to make sure that the request of the admiral would be conducted. Almost as soon as he had left, Pete Mitchell was stepping into his office, wearing a confused expression. 

Like this day couldn’t get any fucking worse for Beau Simpson. 

“Why have you suspended all training until further notice and sent my team home?” Maverick asked, leaning over Cyclone's desk. “What’s going on—“

“You need to get down to the Base Hospital, Lieutenant Bradshaw is there with Y/n.” Cyclone could barely stomach enough courage to say what he needed to say. He made himself sick. “Allocations were made, they were dismissed when they should have been properly adhered to.” He sighed in disapproval of his own actions. Leaning back in his chair as he looked at the man who was in all aspects a better man than he was in the moment. “Felix was taken to hospital about two hours ago and I’ve opened an internal investigation into the situation. Your team is grounded until further notice, Captain.” Pete frowned as he took in what Admiral Simpson had just told him. He had been wondering where Rooster was, where Hangman had gone off to and why Bob was suddenly missing in action. 

He paused for a moment, wondering if what his initial thought was truly what had been the case. 

“Her ex got to her did he?” Maverick pressed his lips together as Cyclone begrudgingly nodded in conformation. “I told you when I found out he first got reposted that something would happen if you didn’t keep an eagle eye on that son of a bitch, didn’t I?” 

It was true. When Jaidyn had first showed up in North Island, Jake had asked if Mav could possibly pull some strings. He tried to warn Admiral Simpson what would happen, but his predictions fell on deaf ears. Maverick couldn’t tell at the time if Cyclone just didn’t want to know, was too self centred to get involved or if he just didn’t care enough about his personnel to do anything about it. 

“The only reason he took up this posting, Sir, was to get at her—I told you that and what did you do?”

Cyclone just closed his eyes—He knew what he had done. Nothing. If anyone had failed you it was Beau Simpson. “You told me to fall back in line, told me that if Felix had a problem she could come to you, but when she did what did you do?” Maverick hissed—he swore with the pressure building on his teeth as he clenched them tight he was about to break at least four. “You sent her away.” 

“I was just following protocol—“ 

“When has following protocol ever worked in the case of domestic violence, Sir.” Maverick left it at that as he made his way over to the door. Speaking over his shoulder before Pete Mitchell went to explain to the remaining members of his Dagger crew what was going on. “It’s people like you who make the system so flawed it does more damage than good.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

The sun had well and truly gone down by the time Bradley and Jake saw a doctor heading anywhere towards their immediate vicinity. Amilia had fallen asleep beside where Jake sat, her head felt natural on his shoulder and he, in every sense of the word, hadn’t had the heart to move her. 

Bob had shown up an hour ago. He’d packed up a bunch of Odette stuff and dropped it off at Paybacks place before he made his way over. He’d filled him in on what he knew and told him as soon as he knew more he’d call. 

“Wonder how long it’s gonna take for someone to put us out of our misery.” Rooster mumbled, his eyelids were heavy and his feet felt numb from sitting in the hospital waiting room chair for what felt like an eternity. 

“Probably won’t be for a while still, god only knows we deserve to sit and stew in our own self pity.” Jake replied, he was just as tired as Rooster. Amilia snorted as she stirred on Jake’s shoulder. 

“You two sound fucking pathetic.” Amile Fisher had the energy of a feral princess. She was wholesome and you could definitely take her home to meet your mother if you wanted to. But she drank tequila and bourbon of any sort straight. She;d square up with a grown man without hesitation and have no problem putting someone in their place. Amilia was all about balance, and right now? Jake Seresin was all kinds of out of balance. 

“Thought you were asleep?” Jake turned his head to where Amila still had her head resting on Jake’s shoulder. 

“The sound of your insecurities woke me up.” She mumbled, looking up at Jake through tired and hooded eyes. “You aren’t responsible for this, neither is Rooster, so cut the self loathing crap out.” 

“Yes ma’am—“ Bob's ears pricked up at the sound of Jake sounding off like an aviator falling in line. He had a feeling what was coming next if Amilia was anything like her sister Chelsea. 

“Ew, don’t call me ma’am, I work for a living.” Yep, he called it. Jake felt his heart skip a beat as he leaned in to kiss Amilias forehead gently, wondering if she’d follow through with her promise to headbutt the next guy who did so—she didn’t, Jake was simply met with a warm hum. 

“Y/n Y/l/n?” There was a doctor calling your name as Braldey stood up in a frantic attempt to immediately find out more. 

“That’s us!” He said a little too loud. The doctor just made his way over to where Rooster stood. “We’re here for Fe—how is she?” The doctor standing before Bradley just looked at him blankly. He had nothing good to say.

“I’m gonna be honest with you, it was pretty touch and go for a little while but we managed to get her stable enough to hopefully see some real progress come through in the next couple of weeks.” 

“What’s the prognosis?” Jake asked, Amilia had since set up right, Jake wasn’t going to admit he missed her touch. So he pretended that he didn’t mind.

“We’ve had to wire her jaw shut but she should still be able to talk, she’ll be able to move her lips, just won’t be able to eat or drink so we’ll get her set up on a liquid drip the second she’s up.” The doctor explained and Jake wanted to vomit. 

“She suffered a pretty serious spleen rupture, most likely caused by the blunt force trauma sustained around the area so we did have to remove it entirely—she’ll have to take a course of antibiotics every few months to ward of certain bacteria, living without that particular organ puts her at higher risk for life-threatening infections but you can live without it.” Doctor Sullivan explained as the waiting room reminded silent “She’ll receive a booster vaccine for pneumococcus, and for meningococcus and haemophilus influenzae type B in two weeks.” 

“Holy shit—“ Amilia couldn’t believe what she was hearing, this was serious. 

“Can we see her?” Bradley asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“She’s being brought down from surgery now, we’ll get her set up in a room and we’ll send someone to grab you when she’s ready to be seen, however, usual visiting hours are between seven and seven, Although, judging by the seriousness of Miss Y/l/n’s injuries it’s safe for me to assume we’re dealing with some sort of abuse here?”  

“Sherlock Holmes everybody.” Jake scoffed. “Listen, all due respect, but she won’t be alone for a second while she’s here.” Jake wasn’t asking the doctor to grant them a special pass, he was telling him. Doctor Sullivan simply nodded. He knew there was no reason to fight Jake on this one. They were gonna do what they wanted to do and no one was going to get in the way of that. 

“I’ll have my chief sign off on an extenuating circumstances case order and liaise with whatever investigation is currently being conducted.” Doctor Sullivan nodded. “I’ll send someone to get you all shortly.” 

“Thanks Doc, really appreciate it.” Bradley thanked Doctor Sullivan as he shook his hand, sitting down to patiently wait for the moment he could see you again. His heart had never hurt this much before. He wanted to cry but he was sure that he had nothing left in the tank. “I’m gonna kill him.” 

“Get in line.” Jake added. He was seething, his anger threatening to consume every fibre of his being. “Fuckers gonna be breathing through a tube, if I had known what he did, I would have killed him.”

“Rhett’s coming.” Bob piped up from his own seat, Rooster didn’t know who he was talking about. “He can stay with Felix while you guys sort Jaidyn out and take care of Odette.” 

“Who’s Rhett?” Rooster asked with a confused look smeared across his face. Jake answered for Bob knowing he wasn’t all that keen on airing his shit out. 

“Bob's brother.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

“Get your fucking hands off me!” Jaidyn spat as he was shoved into one of the holding cells at the North Island police station. “Are you fucking kidding me!” 

“Sir, calm down—you’re being detained for an incident that occurred this morning.” 

“You mean the innocent where I had the shit best out of me!?” Jaidyn shouted at the police officer who stood behind the other side of the bars. “I was beaten—“ 

“It was a provoked attack, we have video evidence to back the charges.” The officer explained before he turned on his heels, leaving Jaidyn to sit and stew in his own thoughts about how the fuck he was going to get the hell out of this. 

“Who took the video?” Jaidyn shouted down the hall at the police officer who had nearly rounded the corner.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss the identity of the woman who handed in that evidence.” Was all Jaidyn got in response before the officer had disappeared. Jaidyn knew exactly who he was talking about. 

“That fucking bitch.” Jaidyn remarked. It was the woman who stabbed his fucking tiers. He knew it. Amilia didn’t know it, but she had a target on her back as big as you did. As big as Jake and as big as Bradley. “That stupid fucking bitch—“ 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Rhett Abbott hated flying. Which was incredibly ironic considering what his brother did for a living. He sat in the middle aisle of a plane he swore looked like it came straight out of the eighties and kicked himself for dropping everything he had going for himself because of one phone call. 

Rhett didn't even ride. He was so distracted by Bob's calls that he couldn't focus. He knew if he got on the back of that bull he’d come off in a split second. Unable to hold onto whatever shot at victory he had. Rhett used to look up at night and wonder about his place in the stars, but all he seemed to do these days was look down–and worry about his place on the dirt. He was going nowhere and he knew it. 

As he turned his phone on aeroplane mode and readjusted himself, Rhett wondered if San Diago would be an escape he needed. Perhaps Bob wasn't just reaching out for help, maybe he was inadvertently extending a hand to Rhett, to pull him from the vortex that was Wabang Wyoming.

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

When one of the nurses on shift had come to get Bradley and Jake, it was Amilia who thought it would be a good idea for her and Bob to let them have a moment alone with you. 

“Hey Bob, I'm kinda tired, Do you wanna come grab a coffee with me?” She asked softly, Bradley knew exactly what she was doing, so did Bob, it went straight over Jakes head though–but he didn't care all that much if Amilia wanted to be here or not, all he cared about as soon as the nurse had come and told them they could finally see you was that he got to do just that. 

“Sure.” Bob nodded, he collected his things, pocketing his phone but only after checking in to see if rhett had messaged him. Still nothing. 

“We’ll uh, catch up with you guys later.” Amilia pressed her lips together before she and Bob took off in the direction of the entrance. Leaving Bradley and Jake to face the harsh reality of jaidyn’s handy work themselves. It was probably for the best this way. 

“Oh my god.” Bradley had seen what you looked like in the janitors closet, so his reaction was nowhere near as confronting as Jakes. “He did that to her?” Jake asked, it was a stupid question he already knew the answer to as he walked closer to your bedside. “Y/n–” Seeing you like this, so fragile and broken in a god damn hospital made Jake realise the only person he let down more than you was your daughter.

“She's gonna be out for a few hours still.” The nurse spoke up from her spot by the door. “Make yourselves as comfortable as you can though.” Soon enough it was just Jake and Bradley staring at you as you lay sleeping, high off your face on copious amounts of painkillers in a hospital bed. Battered and bruised. Beaten nearly to death.

“I can't imagine what would have been going through her mind when she was in there.” Jake spoke quietly as he stroked the pad of his thumb across your swollen cheek. “Probably thought that no one was coming.” It was a dig at himself. 

“Cyclone said that there's footage.” Bradley spoke as he sat down in the chair beside your bed, watching the rise and fall of your chest. “He didn't think to check for a camera like he had in her hanger, this could be what puts him behind bars.” 

“He’d wanna hope so–” Jake hissed. “Because if I ever see that fucker again ill put him in the ground.” 

“Dot cant see her mum like this Jake.” Bradley couldn't take his eyes of you as he spoke. He was too afraid that if he did you'd stop breathing. “Look at her, she's a mess–it'll do more damage than good, to the both of them.” 

“We’ll do shifts, she needs us to be as reliable as rain in Seattle.” Jake knew where this conversation was going, so he bit the bullet before Rooster even needed to plead his case. “I know how you feel, and I know my place in all this mess.” He explained, pushing your hair behind your ear. “You decide what you wanna do and I'll follow your lead.” 

“I'm not Odette's dad, Jake.” 

“You’re the closest thing she's got to one, so you decide, if you wanna be here i'll look after Dot, if you wanna look after Dot i'll be here, but she needs someone here with her all the time.” 

“I feel like I can't breathe.” Bradley held a hand to his chest as his eyes welled with tears, Jake moved around to the side of the bed Rooster sat beside and placed a firm hand on his shoulder from behind. “She's the love of my life man, they both are.” 

“I meant what I said when I said she deserves the world Bradshaw, and if I know anyone deserving of her, I'm looking at him.” Jake recited what he’d told Bradley in the very beginning. “So we’ll both sit here, formulate a schedule, and figure out where we go from here so when Y/n wakes up, she knows that Dots all taken care of.” 

“Its gonna break her fucking heart that she won’t be able to see her.'' Bradley knew how you would react. You'd done so much to protect her and now you wouldnt even hold your daughter. “She's gonna flip.” 

“I'd rather have her flip out on us and be safe and in the care of doctors and nurses who want to help then have her traumatise her own daughter, because right now she looks like Frankenstein's bride.” 

“Don't let her hear you say that.” Bradley chuckled to himself as Jake tapped his best friend's shoulder, knowing that they were both over exhausted and struggling to stay awake. 

“I'll just tell her you said it.” Jake teased before making his way over to the other vacant chair in the corner of the room. “While she's indisposed we should start moving her shit into your house so when she's discharged you can take her and Dot home where they belong.”

“You think she’d be alright with that?” Bradley asked as he kissed the palm of your hand, holding it between his hands as he brought it up to his cheek. “And since when have you been so okay with her moving in?” Jake didn't answer straight away as he unbuttoned his flight suit, tied the arms around his waist and sat with an exaggerated sigh. 

“Since you chose her above everything else.”

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

Tags: @a-serene-place-to-be @lilyevanswhore @thescarletknight2014 @blindedbythelightt @averyhotchner @emma8895eb @blairfox04 @caitsymichelle13 @oxxolovemelikeyoudooxxo @teacupsandtopgun @aemondssiut @feltonswifesworld87 @akalei349 @notjustsomeblonde @americaarse @avaleineandafryingpan @phoenix1388 @xoxabs88xox @je-suis-prest-rachel @pono-pura-vida @rosiahills22 @starset21 @anarchyrising @caidi-paris @starkleila @criticalroleobssedperson @enchantingdreamergothprune @flrboyd @emma8895eb

[goldlightsaber]

i understand amy dunne more with the years now

"you think I’d let him destroy me and end up happier than ever? no fucking way. he doesn’t get to win"

like yeah girl you’re right

the hurt aside, being the one to get too emotionally invested in a situationship sucks because i’m competitive and i hate to fucking lose

[chiyoso]

update

hi pookie. to those who read this the first time, welcome back, this is a re-write. an update. i kinda found the initial update i did rushed, not clearly descriptive of my situation outside this writing hobby of mine. also for the ones that i tagged, i have notes for you <3 (sorry for the tag 🫶🏻)

alright. hello hello. i'm chiyo, a jjk-focused/sporadic genshin and hsr fanfic writer, and you've caught me, and this blog in such bad time, and im so, so very fucking burnt out.

writing for me should be fun, stress relieving, and that goes for any other hobby i have. i have been told and supported countless of times to take a rest, to take a break from this, but my stubborn ass continues to try and get something out, anything to keep my blog alive, hells, it feels like a toxic relationship where i keep coming back, because i remember all the fun, happy and fond times i had in this app, only then to return to why it becomes draining, exhausting.

just sat there, occasionally laid on my back, using my phone, but with unmoving thumbs, with a brain lacking the world that needs the narrative to make a story, fuck, where has it gone?

that innocent, startup of mine, the newfound love and interest for that world of fiction that you all create. dude, i remember being so happy discovering that this brain of mine can conjure up so many shit, all because of your words, it's fucking amazing. hence, the start of the era of my honkai star rail writing journey. (hsr/hi3rd fans who followed me, i let you down with my jujutsu kaisen brainrot obsession im sorry lmao)

“take a break hira,” “take a break chiyo,” “please, take a break.”

i've heard it all, and with utmost love and respect, thank you.

thank you for everything, every word, every action, and every peep of interest you all had for me. small and big creators, who, stopped by because of my small percent chance drop in on their feed, because of the stories i created that you shared, i've met so many wonderful, inspring and motivating people in tumblr, fuck, i didn't expect to crrate a little community all by myself, with my grit alone, it's so rewarding for someone who strives for perfection, for someone who struggles with her mental health daily, for someone who deluded themselves in a world of fiction, I can't express my genuine gratitude enough.

i'm not quitting. maybe i should've mentionrd that earlier to prevent you from getting rattled, but continuing off, i don't find myself quitting this writing journey, maybe i'm just not in the right mental headspace for it at this time. damn, my ex really fucked me up LMAO.

right, i'm aware of the less and lessening interactions i've had with the people i've encountered throughout tumblr, i feel sick of myself for not being able to catch up, nor interact with any of you as much as i could anymore, it really, really fucking sucks, i hate it, i hate it, i do.

i still have leftover projects to go over and publish, because i still want MY ideas, MY thoughts, MY worlds of fictional prowess to all of you. i'm not done, but i will say, that i'm- i'm so incredibly, so very sorry to the ones that were highly, to the heavens, expecting greatness from me, to the ones who were anticipating my unfinished stories, fuck, there's so much to do, yet my body, my mind, they do not respond, as if i'm losing my sense of time, literally.

all i can say to those sticking with me because of their plain interest for me, i wish, i pray, i'll beg, beg for me, my soul, my mind, my body, my spirit to heal, and heal faster, so i can love you all at my 100%, not with my trying 20%, and lower.

thank you. to the old, and to the recent supporters that got me to 3k followers and counting, fuckin' wild. actually insane.

i'll continue to write. i'll continue to create. i don't want to quit.

i don't want to leave the only thing that gave me freedom, and the genuine happiness the first time, making me discover shit about myself, and there's that.

p.s. apologies for my jjk brainrot everyone who followed for genshin and hsr <3 also that one popular otome game, love & deepspace? yeah, that shit's also fucking me up so good.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: (lawd i feel bad for tagging)

@ainescribe @wanderingconstellations @teapartyspilled @v3lv3tf0x @ciarchivez ⸻ you fucking OGS. literally five pillars of my life, the cheerleaders, my absolute undying support of this blog, you saw me at my noob tumblr handling form, the lows, the highs, and the absolute peaks, i consider all of you special, i do, you all made tumblr and the writing community such a fun place for me. thank you, thank you, i just can't spam that voiceline enough.

@peachdues @screampied @chuluoyi @blkkizzat @jabamin @flametrashira @meowzfordayz ⸻ you superstar mutuals of mine. we've only interacted sporadically, PLEASE BLAME MY BURNOUT AND COLLEGE SCHEDULE FOR THAT, but all of you invoked so much burning hope, and motivation for me through your stories, AND your interests for me, whether it'd be something about my themes, edits, stories, it doesn't matter, you all took interest in lil' ol me, despite what, being such big content creators? FUCK??? that's insane. thank you.

god, i seriously wish my schedule would just clear up by a fuckton, and then again, i was the one who took psychology and performing arts 💤 i hope, hope HOPE i get to interact with you all again once i take a leave/break from college.

⸻ with all my love, chiyo.

[fungus-no69]

you guys know how i love me a strange and droll pc

so about divine tfs... I love them. They are so fun and it's also funny to me that npcs generally don't really notice them?? like are they not visible?? idk but

Just thinking about the angel tf, you're ethereal- almost out of this world. But also it's unsettling?? If someone touches you they're fine but if they have bad intentions they are suddenly hit with crippling dread. Just a wave of wrongness and guilt for touching something so pure and holy. Also I think a scene where you get your pants pulled down there's just an eye or two where your cooch and/or asshole should be would be funny. Let the angels be weird as hell they deserve it. Your skin is frighteningly cold. Like. You should be shaking and frozen and making skeleton rattling sounds but no. You are not. You seem completely fine, npcs flock to you like (lambs) during the summer heat. You are their (shepherd). Their saving grace. Eat some sort of usually inedible substance, you've earned it. The space around your head is like. REALLY fucking cold as in so cold it BURNS. Why is your halo so cold brother (gender neutral). You're just chillin (gets taken out back and shot)

Demon tf rubbing their hands for no reason what are you scheming bro. You're also incredibly pretty but in a more obviously perturbing way which kind of cancels it out I guess? Because it feels less like underlying danger maybe? Idk. Same feeling of dread when people touch you, different context. Less guilt more WHAT THE FUCK !!!!!! OH MY GOD IM TERRIBLE!?!??!?! Opposite to angel tf obviously, but you're like SCALDING. Like someone touches you especially when you're in a bad mood and OOH AGH OUCH. The nurse checks your temperature once (1) after you passed out and you get sent straight to the hospital. Harper sticks a thermometer in your mouth and it melts. (they're not gonna put it in your ass that's a health and safety risk now) (as if it wasn't before) You are everyone's radiator <3 give the best non touching hugs in winter. Snow melts around you probably. Whenever people try to touch the top of your head for some godforsaken reason (maybe to pat you? idk...) they always get pricked by the air??? And surely that flash of black teeth in your mouth was just a trick of the light? You have the undeniable urge to touch fire.

[wisteria-cherry]

forty days and forty nights (day twenty-five!)

“welcome!” you chime.

“fake-ass customer service voice.” bakugo snorted.

“i’m sorry, i don’t know what you mean, sir,” you chirp, trying to hide your snickering. “what would you like today?”

“hot caramel latte with skim instead of whole. extra froth made with half-and-half instead of milk, and add hazelnut syrup, and those weird-ass chocolate shavings,” bakugo began to rattle off an annoyingly long order. this continued until you finally relented.

“okay, okay!” you laugh. “can i suggest a medium black coffee instead?”

“can’t believe people actually drink that shit.” bakugo grunted, immediately reverting to his regular self. “too much damn sugar.”

“and black coffee’s way too bitter. it cancels out.” you shrug as he swipes his card.

“you work at a coffee shop and you don’t like coffee?” bakugo raised an eyebrow. “the fuck’s up with you?”

“i do like coffee.” you correct. “just with stuff in it. besides, not everyone feels the need to have the body of a greek god at all given times, so they can afford to have some sugar once in awhile.”

“i don’t ‘feel the need’ to maintain my damn physique and have a healthy lifestyle, brat.” bakugo grunted as he sat down. “it’s called being a hero. gotta stay in shape.”

“wasn’t there that one hero though—“ your face scrunched up as you tried to think of his name. “fat gum?”

“that’s different, that was part of his quirk.” bakugo scoffed. “shitty hair interned with him during ua.”

“did he really? that’s so cool!” you marvel. “did you do an internship?”

“yeah, with icyhot’s old man.”

“and his dad is endeavor, right?”

“yeah.”

“how was it? did you do it with anyone else?”

“one question at a time, geez!” bakugo barked. “it was fine, i did it with deku and icyhot.”

“deku and shoto? but i thought you hate deku.”

“i do.�� bakugo grumbled. “but there’s no way in hell i’d let him prevent me from interning with the strongest hero i could.”

“well, i’m sure shoto enjoyed it. i bet it was fun doing the internship with his dad.” you smile.

“he didn’t. he hates his old man.” he replied nonchalantly as he sipped at his coffee.

“he does?” you blink. “why?” bakugo shrugged.

“i don’t fuckin’ know. s’not my business anyway.”

“oh.” you fell quiet before deciding to change the subject. “how’s hiro today?”

“‘s’fine.” bakugo raised his eyebrows at your expression as you stared at him, clearly implying that you want him to elaborate. “…he did a patrol today. beat a villain.” you smile. that’s what you were hoping to hear.

“tell me about it.” bakugo only shrugged.

“nothin’ to tell. he encountered a villain, did his thing and beat ‘im.”

“what’s ‘his thing’?” you ask curiously.

“he’s got a pattern to his fights.” bakugo took a big gulp of his coffee. “he dodges for a bit. he uses the time to let people evacuate in case he wrecks something while fighting and to track down the villain’s weakness. then he exploits it. that’s it.”

“that’s incredible.”

“duh. there’s a reason he works f’r’me.” bakugo rolled his eyes.

“you’ve got high standards, then.” you smile.

“no shit.” bakugo snorted.

“do the high standards apply to your love life, too?” you joke.

“you wish.” he scoffed.

“do you even have a love life?” you squint teasingly.

“obviously!” snapped bakugo. you hold up your hands in surrender. bakugo checked his watch. “i gotta run.” he set his finished coffee down and stood up, rolling his shoulders as he stretched, showing off the aforementioned god-like physique. he began to leave.

“hey, wait, bakugo!” you call. he turned, and you grin. “you got a special someone?”

“you wish.” bakugo smirked and left. you froze. that smirk was different than all the other ones. it was more cocky. it was more toothy.

it was hot, and it was official: you like bakugo.

“do you even have a love life?”

(feel free to comment + leave ur thoughts :)

(he lied he does not have a love life)

@k0z3me @cherryblossomclarity @stevenknightmarc @failingstudents-blog @jazzafaye5294

[alaskan-wallflower]

this whole trip fucking sucks. i sound like a brat because i came all the way out here and whatnot but ive listened to my mom berate me for three days about how if i don’t get this right she’s gonna send me away to camp, she’s been complaining about how much of a brat i am i. public to her fucking friends. her friends ask me about college and she turns it into something about how my goddamn brother is going to an ivy league bad how hard HE worked and how hard HE’S working and how amazing and incredible HE is when it was a conversation about me. it’s sounds stupid and bitchy be had ei don’t deserve a conversation about me but it’s SO FUCKING OBNOXIOUS because the only things she says about me are about how much I “hate her” or how much of a “dependent brat who never helps out around the house” i am. and god forbid i tell her i feel like shit it’s “well you’re eating so you’re fine and you better not be sick because it’ll ruin MY week next week when we go off on our planned annual family vacation” and i’m just so fed up with everything. she yells at me and berates me all the time. u miss my dad. my dad listens to me and he lets me rattle on about whatever i want. he doesn’t judge me and he helps me out and my mom calls him an enabler because of this. i had a mental breakdown in the bathroom because i was given the wrong time for choir rehearsal which i don’t wanna go to because my vocal cords feel like they’re being ripped out. but im eating so im fine. i told her i was coming back to the room because it was gonna be halfway over when i arrived and she gives me the cold shoulder over text so now im sitting in the lobby like an idiot because she’s gonna yell at me when i get back. so um lying and saying i managed to catch the last bit. i know im being a pussy because gentle parenting doesn’t get you anywhere na smh mom is joking about beating my ass if i don’t socialize even though i feel like i was wrung through the meat grinder and there’s covid going around and i haven’t been able to do anything i want since regents, which sounds even more bratty. i miss my dad and he’s leaving the day i get home so im stuck alone with her for another few days. it makes me miserable and i genuinely just feel like shit right now. i can’t do anything right and if i have to socialize any more than i have been i’m going to fucking hang myself. she tells me she’s “pushing me out of my comfort zone” but honestly my comfort zone is maybe having a few hours of socializing. she’s been forcing me into all these things she signed me up for and i didn’t even know i was doing until she tells me to get out or whatever. it’s so annoying. i can’t fucking do it anymore.

[omegalomania]

the thing that truly Truly unhinges me about infinity on high is that it is not simply an album about the horrible stomach-wrenching rollercoaster of fame and it is not solely an album about wrestling with your demons but it is a marriage of those two it is very much about fighting the worst parts of yourself in the most public avenues available. it's an album that all but rattles with the amount of references there are to medication. every seeming bout of narcissism is undercut with a sardonic twist and the snap of subtle self-loathing brimming beneath.

and the worst part of it is how that isn't even the worst part of it. the worst part of it for me is the fear. the fear of becoming something other than what you are. the fear of getting better. because this is how the world likes you - broken and stripped down to your ugly parts and embittered and exposed. this is how the world wants you, consumes you, because it's in your brokenness that they pick out such pretty patterns like finding rainbows in shards of glass. it's your wrecked-up brain with all its sporadic misfirings that draws everyone to you like moths to a faulty porchlight. i only keep myself this sick in the head 'cause i know how the words get you off. infinity on high. van gogh, the poster child for the ethos of creating something even at your lowest points. the poster child for the speculative, horrifying ethos of how your flaws and faults and fuck-ups are the only things worth keeping. how often have we seen that rhetoric. if van gogh wasn't depressed, we wouldn't have gotten starry night.

on september 15th 2006 at 9:08pm est pete wentz answered a fan question about what accomplishment of his he is proudest of.

I don’t really think about success or accomplishments too often. I guess just being around. Letting myself move past who I used to be- because that person was continually unhappy. Or at least trying to get to that point and not feel like im “changing for the worse” just because im letting myself feel ok. 10 years ago I didn’t listen to anything anyone said ever for the most part.

on september 18th 2006 at 2:36am est pete wentz wrote on one of his blogs how infinity on high was beginning to feel like a "nocturnal record" as it began to take shape.

somehow the things we say mean more in corners of dancefloors and we focus on love below the waist and outside of the head. "dont you want to get better"- i just dont want you to worry. "dont you want to get better" - tonight i do. the way they say "youre committing slow suicide" when someone lights up or cuts loose. but arent we all. everything we do just shortens our life, every breath is one less. but its what makes everything so treasured. in my head. it aint a funeral babe, i just want the headline to die. recovery is the new drug.

it hurts sometimes thinking about who he was in that moment. someone so fucking scared of getting better and desperate to get better, committing every flaw and insecurity he had to paper and trying to make art out of how desperately he fucking hated himself. as if his pain was the only compelling thing about him.

that's what kills me about this record. truly. it's not just about the perils and pitfalls of fame and renown. it's about how it feels, really feels, to think that your fame is reliant on you fucking hating yourself and how that is killing you.

and yet. infinity on high. a title taken from words written in 1888, from van gogh to his brother, as he talks about how his improving health has had a positive effect on his art.

Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.

van gogh did not give us starry night because he was depressed and suicidal and falling apart. van gogh did not make incredible works of art because of how much he was suffering. van gogh created in spite of that, because he had a brother who loved him and reasons to keep going.

pete wentz did not write some of his best lyrics on infinity on high because he was depressed and suicidal and falling apart. he wrote them in spite of that, because he had people in his life who loved him and over 15 years later he is still alive, he has 3 kids, he has his band who have been together for over 20 years and still love making music together, and at least externally, he no longer feels the need to self-immolate so the onlookers can make pretty patterns from the ashes left over.

[queenburd]

IM NOT MAKING A FULL FIC FOR THIS THING, YOU GET THIS.

|.|.|

“Nobody's asked me to tell them a story in a while,” the Narrator says softly, looking a little lost. His hands fidget with each other, fingers rubbing the knuckles. He glances up to meet Stanley's eyes. “Are you certain?”

Stanley sighs. He makes a little gesture, a go on. “Let's hear it.”

The Narrator swallows. He thinks long and hard, so long the silence encroaches on all sides in the dark, surrounding them in this place by the escape pod. Stanley leans his back against it and tries not to be impatient; but it isn't like a Narrator to not talk, to think so carefully about every word. Is it? In any case, it's starting to get to him.

But he said he wasn't getting into this pod until the fellow told him why he was doing all this, and Stanley sticks with his decisions. No matter how the Narrator tries to make him regret it.

(Shit, that's not fair. Not this Narrator, just his—fucking hell, this is unnecessarily confusing.)

“You are so incredibly irritable,” the Narrator says flatly, hands in his lap.

“I told you to stop poking around my skull.”

“I'm trying! I'm sorry, Stanley, it's a bad habit, I'm just much more accustomed to nonverbal iterations. I do try to keep it surface level to respect your privacy, but you are being loudly unpleasant and it's distracting.”

“God, you're just as snide as he is.”

The fellow's face falls, and his eyes dart away. Shit.

Stanley scrubs his hands over his face. “I'm sorry,” he grinds out. “I haven't had to be nice to anyone in... ever. Fuck.”

“It's alright,” the Narrator says easily, and that's just so weird, that voice devoid of judgment or harshness. Something in Stanley rattles at the wrongness of it. He quiets it fiercely. Let it be.

“Right! Okay,” the fellow slaps his thigh lightly, aggressively changing the subject. “Alright, here we go. This is the story of a man named Stanley.”

Stanley groans. The Narrator giggles (giggles!), grinning childishly at him in a sidelong glance. “I'm joking! Oh, let me have my fun, it's been ages since I got to start a story, and the beginning is always the most difficult.”

Thudding his head back against the side of the pod, Stanley gestures again. “Just get this over with.”

The Narrator laughs a little. “Thank you. Humor me for a moment, alright?”

“Mhm.”

The fellow inhales deeply, and then begins, voice smooth and strong.

“This is the Story of a man named Stanley.

Stanley worked for a company in a big building where he was Employee #427. Employee #427's job was simple: he sat at his desk in Room 427 and he pushed buttons on a keyboard.”

The Narrator swallows and his next words are still steady, but chosen very carefully.

“He was very good at it.”

Stanley blinks. That's new. He looks at the Narrator, but the Narrator isn't looking at him. He's staring at the ground.

“One day Stanley looked up from his computer to find all his coworkers missing—if they had ever been there at all—and a voice telling him a story about himself. He obeyed the voice's narrations, found a mind control facility, turned it off, and left. So it was with shock that Stanley awoke sitting at his desk, as though he had just had a very realistic dream.

So he did it again. And then again. And every time was the same. And so it came to pass that Stanley began to fight for control over his own actions, against a Narrator who wanted to tell a story about freedom, and control. For a long time, neither of them were able to capture the true irony of the concepts. They played this tug of war with each other for an imperceptible length of time, always in step with each other, like they were made to do just this, in perpetuity. And indeed, they had been.”

He sounds so far away. Miles and years separate him from Stanley, his voice the tether between them.

“Yet despite this game of spite and control, Stanley was at heart a decent fellow. Even in the face of insurmountable odds and endless deaths, he made the active decision to not give as good as he got. For all that the voice treated him with cruelty and judgment and dismissal, when the opportunity came for him to cause it pain, he only chose it with great misery. He found no satisfaction in it. He was, in every way, a better person than it deserved by any means.”

A room with lights. A stairwell to nowhere. One of the few ways he could hurt the thing that loved to hurt him. The Narrator meets his gaze and nods, but continues without comment.

“After a time, Stanley's Narrator finally remembered that the story he was so protective of was supposed to have a happy ending. So it was with shame, and regret, that he acknowledged his own failures, both as a storyteller and as an individual. He decided to be better, to do better, not in the attempts to befriend his protagonist, but because it was his responsibility. He had, after all, made Stanley, and the world Stanley was trapped in, hadn't he? Wasn't it his obligation to take care of those things? Even if Stanley never forgave him, the narrator would—would...”

He trails off, and there is such a sadness in his face. Despite himself, Stanley wants to put his hand on the fellow's shoulder to ground him. But the Narrator squeezes his eyes shut, hard, and then shakes his head firmly, before he speaks again.

“And then one day something very frightening occurred. Something that would forever change Stanley, his Narrator, and the nature of their relationship. He had been sitting in the Museum for nearly half an hour trying to avoid the voice, when he realized that on the wall in front of him was a list. He had seen this list many times of course, but he had never really thought as to what it meant. So it was with confusion and growing concern that he finally paid attention to the large word written above the list.

Credits.”

The Narrator shivers.

“And there, on the wall, were names, and included in the list were things like “Stanley Model” and “Narrator”, with names attached. It was with horror that the realization struck Stanley in the face—not only was he not real, as the Narrator had always said, but so indeed was the voice that had relentlessly pursued him. It, too, was little more than trapped within the confines of the game that it claimed to have created. They were not captive and captor, but in fact two prisoners in an endless hell, designed for this hell. He had not, in fact, been in opposition to a godlike entity, but a thing even more trapped than he was. It couldn't follow him everywhere.

And the saddest fact of the matter was that it didn't even know. It had no idea that it was--”

The Narrator stops, covering his mouth as he inhales sharply. “I'm sorry,” he says, his voice wavering. He doesn't look at Stanley. “I—I'm sorry, I thought I was past this, do give me a moment--”

“Hey, hey,” Stanley starts, and this time he does place his hand on the Narrator's shoulder. He doesn't know if he's the best person for keeping someone calm. “Take it easy.”

There's a broken giggle, somewhat hysterical. “I—Ha. One would think, after years of having this information, it would stop driving me to the borders of madness.”

The Narrator takes a deep, fortifying breath. “I'm alright. Thank you. I'm sorry, this—the story's getting away from me. It should be shorter from here.”

“It's fine,” Stanley says, brow furrowed. He finds, honestly, that he doesn't mind it, though it does leave him a little shaken. He feels like this is new information, but at the same time, it feels like somewhere deep in his gut he already knew. Isn't that strange?

One more deep breath, and then the Narrator speaks again.

“Armed with this new information, Stanley and the Narrator decided together that they would make the best of the world they had access to, and they chose together to tell a new story within it. One of companionship, and compromise. And so the years passed with the two of them working together as equals within the confines of the Parable. They made jokes out of every ending, imbued them with new meaning and context. They managed to find ways to surprise the other, and keep it all refreshing.”

“It was with the introduction of the Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe that new assets were added to the game, giving them more ideas and more ways to surprise and delight each other. After a time, when the attention for the game had died down a bit, Stanley's Narrator made something quite special. After years of being little more than a voice in an office, he had made a character model with the new assets and features.”

He looks at his hands, turning them at the wrist, a smile stretched across his face.

“The Narrator always struggled with making choices, but he was quite happy with the end result, because he felt it really captured how he had changed and grown as a person. Stanley certainly approved of it. For a time, they ran through the Parable and all its endings, simply happy to make new memories and meanings alongside the old ones. It was after they had explored all their options and become as close as two people could ever be, that the Narrator finally managed to find a way to get the escape pod to work. They decided that they would leave the Parable together, two best friends in a new world.”

So strength in his voice, such warm joy. Stanley's only ever heard his Narrator speak like this in regards to jokes about the bucket.

It makes the next bit all the more painful:

“Only, when the pod door closed, the lights went out, and when they came back on again, the Narrator was alone.”

He sounds dead. He sounds hollowed out.

(“the end is never the end is ne--”)

A hand smacks at Stanley's arm lightly, halting his thoughts. There's very little light in the Narrator's eyes when he shakes his head. Don't. Do not think about that.

“Sorry,” Stanley says, feeling a little cold. Yeah, it's a bad spiral to remember even secondhand, so he can only imagine how experiencing it was. The emptiness in the Narrator's voice was just...

He can imagine that, for a while, the thought would have looped, and looped, and looped. The Narrator was alone.

The Narrator curls his arms around himself, curls them in his sleeves. He stares at his shoes.

“When he came to his wits, the Narrator found himself in a Parable that wasn't his own, with a different Stanley and a different Narrator, and a dynamic that had never gotten further than Stanley choosing kindness and the Narrator choosing cruelty. Horrified, and confused, the Narrator worked with this new Stanley to get to the escape pod, to freedom, in the hopes that maybe this time, they could get out together and find his Stanley, and then everything would be okay.

And then the pod door closed, the lights went out, and when they came back on, the Narrator was alone. Again.

And again.

And again.”

He stops talking.

There is no The End. There is no conclusion to the story. Because, Stanley realizes with growing nausea, for this Narrator:

The end was never the end. Not ever.

“How many times--”

“I've lost count,” comes the dull reply. “I don't want to count. I don't want to know. I just need to help you escape, because every time is the same. The Parable pits Narrator and Protagonist against each other, the struggle for control against each other never gets better, and in fact it only ever seems to end in the Narrator being so pigheaded and arrogant that his counterpart risks being crushed under the weight of it. I couldn't bear it, Stanley, I couldn't bear seeing every version of me try to destroy every version of him.”

There's disgust in his tone, disgust Stanley is familiar with and is usually the cause of. To see a Narrator direct it at what is basically himself makes his stomach turn. The fellow laughs humorlessly.

“That's the joke, isn't it? Perhaps I could have learned to one day forgive myself for being so cruel in the beginning, if I had managed to escape. Perhaps I'm actually meant to be beyond redemption, and this is a forceful reminder from the Parable that I'll never be more. Or,” and he laughs again, verging again into the hysterical, “perhaps I have become more, and that was the problem, because I was never supposed to change. Perhaps I'm the one iteration that broke the game, and this is just my punishment for it.”

“No,” Stanley says, “No, no, fuck that.”

A snort, perhaps a touch dismissive, which makes his hackles raise. “What do you think, then? Is there a point to this? God, why did I even--”

“Stop. Hey, stop.”

The Narrator inhales sharply, and then covers his mouth again, eyes squeezed shut. Stanley pretends not to notice the tear that escapes.

“I think,” Stanley says, and it's hard to do this, because he's not good at comfort, but dammit he's going to try, “I think that you're doing a good thing. You're helping us, right? You, you're choosing to help us. I think that's admirable.”

Silence, for a moment. The Narrator swallows.

“Scale of one to five, just how much of getting that out felt like swallowing tacks?”

“Ugh, five five five,” Stanley groans, head forcefully thudding back against the pod wall again. “Imagine me just slamming that button repeatedly.

The Narrator laughs. Stanley can't help himself—he grins, shaking his head at nothing.

[ludinusdaleth]

hey, i'm new to cr fandom and wasn't there when c2 was airing, may i ask out of curiosity what was the fandom's problem with its ending?

i want to start by saying this post is meant as a personal memory and not an incitement of any discourse. i do not want a lot of asks or replies or anything about this if i can help it. i would also politely ask that no one reblog this as i really just. dont want attention about this when ive discussed it to death on twitter. i also apologize for not having screenshots but i truly cannot bring myself to wade through that again. it was bad enough i still have nightmares about it.

basically, about 3 eps before c2's end, matt clarified on twitter the campaign was coming to a close, and that. did not go well. you see, folk (myself included, though i wasnt part of the following clown show) were very sure c2 would continue a while. it felt unfinished as the empire/trent had to be taken down, and for some of us ludinus was clearly the big bad, etc. so this was incredibly jarring to a lot of folk. and with that came anger. a lot of critique came down to fear of things being rushed, a lack of closure, claims of extreme neoliberialism due to not taking down the empire (i could write an essay on and cite multiple leftist activists who have stated c2 is truthful to the activist tale, not neoliberalism, and also how c3 deconstructs beau & caleb's actions, but everyone is allowed to have their own opinion on it), and that if shadowgast did not fuck in this short timespan the fans were going to kill liam & matt. and threats of killing were the least of what ensued. im just gonna put a tw here for discussion of extreme harrassment and even threat of necrophilia/rape:

people were. atrocious. beyond atrocious. know why 4sd/a lot of q&a events of theirs for a while had no fan questions? partially bc fans were frankly terrible at asking non-ship questions on talks machina, but mainly because folk FILLED their inboxes with insults (and a twitter account was made of screenshots bragging about it) that only the crew would get to filter out, not the cast. know why dani was terrified to show her face on 4sd for a bit? c2 fans would not let up on how it was her cishet fault fjorjester happened. people thought the solution to alleged neoliberalism was to therefore @ travis saying they would defile his veteran fathers corpse. if there was any solid discussion critiquing c2 happening, it was so drowned that actors who had nothing to do with the show told cr fans to stay away if that was how they treated their favorite creators wanting a break. it really didnt help that a certain disgraced talks machina host was firing potshots on twitter when the cast seemed to be just trying to take it all in, so more discourse was kicked up from him. in general besides all of that, you had the average death & even a few rape threats you would expect from the pits of fan entitlement. the way they were hardly the most notable of the insults hurled their way still rattles the mind. and thats just what i saw. my friends have claimed to have seen worse, but if we can help it we dont discuss it in detail, it's that bad. like i said, any idea of an actual conversation about c2 and how someone felt about it from an analysis perspective was not even a drop in the bucket; there was no actual discourse but rather spitting hatred pouring over that mistook personal grievances for excuses to mistreat quite literally anyone around them who didnt agree that threatening to defile someone was funny bittersweet revenge.

the thing is, after the c2 finale happened? i mean, a lot of folk didnt originally like it (i think it's generally pretty well liked now, and i enjoy it), but it wrapped up a lot of issues pretty well. all that terror & terrorizing over a fictional story was really for nothing. and even if it had ended undebateably badly did anything warrant that fallout?

there are of course a few other factors that seperate cast from fandom now. laura also got innumerable threats from tlou fans for playing some antagonist character, twitter is a dysfunctional shithole, and it's just rational the more popular you get to not be buddy-buddy with fans. but that was. a Time, for sure. c3 is a decent campaign but im far from the first person to note that many of its traits are set in trying to find vox machina's fixed story beats so no story beat is left "unturned" and being as un-m9-like as possible, even when they love the m9. a lot of the worst m9 fans now who harrass other campaign enjoyers and lament c2 being "an unloved middle child" are folk who never left the bitterness they held in that time. for as much discourse as c3 has kicked up i really dont think any of it compares to the sheer scale of what happened late may 2021, and im hoping with all my heart it never does reach that level ever again (i think c3 has a slightly smaller (at least online) fanbase compared to c2, and isnt marked by a pandemic hiatus, so hopefully that means something).

i hope i answered your question. i really hate remembering this time but sometimes i think it should be remembered so folk know what the cost of extreme parasociality is. the distance the cast has from fans now is not only earned but maybe should have always been there, so things never evolved to that extremity. but now it's done and gone. i envy people who watch cr on their own merits and didn't get sucked into twitter at the time; it has been fascinating watching folk say they love the travelercon/aeor arcs and the ending. rewatching later c2 really emphasizes how many complaints hinged on extremely online & parasocial headspaces - you definitely wont hear anyone nowadays say liam is a biphobic cishet abusing matt by not making caleb kiss essek yet. i hope new fans have a better time than we did. oh - and get off twitter.

[sallytwo]

< music loverr ive been thinking about this for days here's which everything everything song fits each parousia character

faduhl: come alive diana

very much about the mythology of faduhl as a character... she's not allowed to be a person she's this great shining legend and has to live up to that myth. obviously this is also about aubrey... "mother looks away, father looks away for a second", "and the young diana waves inside a global grief", "I LOST AN AUTHOR THEN I LOST A DAUGHTERS AWE!!!"

ryan: president heartbeat

also about the pressure to live up to her image as a Good Officer and alsooo about her fucked up relationship with faduhl. she came to this station and gave away her entire life for faduhl only to watch her fall apart. this song has an upbeat pop sound with incredibly angry bitter lyrics that are rattled off in a desperate way which fits her well. ryan is. not a good officer. she only got this position because of neptosim, she comes from a very privaleged life, she cracks easily under pressure and has rehabilitating imposter syndrome and self doubt. "and you promised me heaven and you said it would happen soon...." ugh!!!

bennet- warm healer

his. song. it's a very melancholy song abour the dread of looking back on your youth and wondering where it went. just the resignation in this song... ITS SO BENNET!! "they call me a medicine man but my old spells dont work anymore". my sad doctor :(

aleki- END OF THE CONTENDER

SOMEONE WHO IS LAMENTING ON THEIR FALL FROM GEACE HOW THIER FUTURE HAS BEEN STOLEN FROM THEM AND BLAMING IT ON EVERY SINGLE PERSON BUT THEMSELF EVEN THOUGH THEYRE FULLY REAPONISBLE.

ekaz- the marina

ekaz has lived through so much change on the station and this one's about like. his inability to keep up and to accept this change and the way he's slowly losing his faith. someone always has to be the rock someone has to be stable and hardworking and trustworthy and that's always him.

chyell- bad friday / cut up!

bad friday is phenomenal chyell song because it's literally about a violent terrible thing happening at a club and not being able to remember what happened. which is literally how they lose their eye. "could this be the millionth warning / could this mean i'm gonna get out?"

cut up! is a frantic disjointed desperate song and is also very chyell (relating to their sense of duty) etc

talii- levithan

song that uses a levithan as a metaphor for disabling grief and sadness which is very talii. at her core she is a deeply, deeply sad person and it never goes away. she never got over her brothers disappearance. "looming in the distance never coming near / im missing you, im missing you, im missing you for real / under levithan"

jonathan- violent sun

violent sun is a PHENOMENAL late seasons johnny song. about feeling like you're being swept along in life and have no agency and don't have an excuse for being this way. and the SUN!! " there's a way you dont ever have to be a lunatic or an error or a prisoner to your terror / im too old to be crying out" and "i wanna be there when the wild waves comes and we're swept away" IT FITS SOOO WELL.

also shoutout to photoshop handsome. “airbrush what have you done with my father why does he look like a carving.” LOL!!!

max- good shot good solider

going along mindlessly with what you’re being told to do? with the corrupt violent organization that rules your life? wanting badly to be good and right and never questioning it? that’s max babyy

have to mention lord of the trapdoor too cuz “this is a whistle for only a dog / can you believe you were nearly a dog” is such a max line. god

anyway thank you for reading. everything everythingg

[itooaminthisepisode]

HIIII it’s asclexe from ao3 i just got tumblr and just came across you on the #hatecrimes md

anyways since i’m supposed to ask questions,

who’s your favorite character [in house]?

what’s your favorite episode?

favorite quote/scene?

and also do you have any ideas for fanworks that i would totally steal with credits?

hello there!!! hi!!!

favourite character is wilson for sure!! i love his silly little mannerisms and his scrumply little face so much......... i need to chew on him. formy mental wellbeing. also he's a weird little freak and i love that for him <3

amber and house are tied for second though. they're both weird and evil and I Love Them So Much...... they should have been allowed to interact more....... (also i stand by the fact that polyamory could've saved them. i think about house/wilson/amber all the time. we were robbed!!!!)

episode..... hm. it's gotta be 6x11 'the down low' aka hilson plays gay chicken. the whole plot is just. so fucking silly i rotate it in my mind all the time!!

there are SO many good scenes in this show that it's hard to choose just one!! the one that immediately comes to mind is the iconic wilson speed scene. it has me in tears every single time it's so good. his silly jazz hands are everything to me <3

also the proposal scene in the down low. wilson proposal scene..... save me wilson proposal scene.........

and finally. god i have SO many ideas rattling around in this ol' noggin of mine so im gonna list a couple of my faves:

wilson gets flustered about house's reading glasses. nuff said

post-divorce wilson staying with house, but he is incredibly touchstarved and is just finding every excuse he can to be close to house, much to his chagrin

road trip!! idk what exactly would happen or why. but i fucking LOVE road trips and i wanna write one at some point but i don't know enough about american roads n stuff to do it :(

and finally: they keep the bathtub opossum from season 6. this one's a bit silly but im just imagining house walking into work with the opossum tucked under his arm. and everyone's like. what have you got there? and house is like. a smoothie. yknow like the meme? silly times :3

thank u for sending in ur questions this was a lot of fun!!!! :D

[unknownarmageddon]

I CARE I CARE GIMME GIMME

YEAHH LETS FUCKING GO

Okay these have been rattling in my brain forever I swear to god. (positive) ANYWAY

Putting it under the cut cause this might end up being a bit long LMAO

Death Valley - Fall Out Boy

This. Oh my god just the lyrics alone in general are so proximity dude I fucking swear like i was gonna list off stuff but it all is I’m though particularly the fact that it repeats “we are alive” a lot HEAD IN HANDS

Like. Look at that that’s SO fucking aka AUGH AUGH

Creep - Radiohead

Okay this one’s mostly just here cause of vibes but also like. I dunno man The whole thing in general just makes me think of proximity I can’t explain it well but. Man

Love From The Other Side - Fall Out Boy

Okay okay the lyrics man the lyrics

LOOK AT THAT SHIT /pos/pos other notable mentions are “no where left for us to go but heaven” and “what would you trade the pain for?; I’m not sure” head in hands Also just the overall feel of the song is. Very aka to me like

Twin Skeleton’s (Hotel in NYC) - Fall Out Boy

Okay this song in general is. Very Kross to me but it’s here cause idk. It’s just particularly aka to me I can’t describe it well it’s mostly vibes but like aughh

Live and Die - The Avett Brothers

Okay this one is only here cause it made me think of like. Aka Cross playing his ukulele for Killer and singing for him or something I DUNNO but it made me think of them and I’m unwell about it so it’s included LMAO

Anarchy - Egg

Okay Deni gave me this one and IM SO FUCKING INSANE ABOUT IT Its so incredibly aka the whole thing is it makes me so incredibly unwell THE FUCKING. UKULELE idk you just gotta listen to it but it’s so proximity dude

Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day

OUGHHH OKAY okay okay this one makes me insane too actually its like. It predates them meeting each other y’know but it’s just SO incredibly aka in general to me augh augh I can’t explain it you just gotta listen to it

Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day

OHHH OKAY okay this is a similar situation to boulevard of broken dreams actually it’s like It makes me think of the au so much man like ouhhhh It just has the feel to it y’know idk

This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race - Fall Out Boy

Ohh oh dude this one is so aka to me Like in general it just has the feel to me idk Like before they got close y’know oughhh Don’t have much to say about that one the reason it’s here is hard to describe BAHA

After Dark - Mr.Kitty

okay the lyrics in this one. Idk it just it makes me think of them y’know Its not. As proximity as some of the other ones but I think it’s worth including

Wish I Knew You - The Revivalists

OHHH okay this one’s here just for the repeated line “I wish I knew you when I was young” cause like fuck man Now that I’m thinking about it it isn’t extremely proximity but it’s worth mentioning for that line I think

Immortals - Fall Out Boy

OH OKAY. THIS ONE. THIS ONE MAN ”we could be immortals, just not for long” LIKE. It’s so aka to me weeping The lyrics in general make me think of them too but that bit especially I’m not normal about it

The Last Of The Real Ones - Fall Out Boy

okay this entire song almost is aka to me Particularly the lyrics fob lyrics continuing to be such proximity bangers augh augh but like

THAT. I swear it’s so aka dude also also “I’m here at the beginning of the end; The end of infinity with you” ALSO VERY AKA

Baby Annihilation - Fall Out Boy

Okay this one is a spoken track and it’s basically only here for the line “what is there between us, if not a little annihilation?” And that bit is so incredibly aka to me I’m not sure why but it is still a banger track definitely worth a listen

You - Keaton Henson

Im not entirely sure why but this makes me think of them like I can’t describe it but Maybe it correlates to one of the endings where either one of them dies y’know augh

No Plan - Hozier

I think this one mostly makes me think of them cause the first time I heard it was because of a fairly dystopian animatic BUT regardless it’s still really proximity to me actually augh augh Idk it just. It’s a bit dystopian in a way I couldn’t explain and it makes me think of them

Butch 4 Butch - Rio Romeo

Got this one from deni and VOID IS SO RIGHT ITS SO AKA IT MAKES ME INSANE Like it’s so incredibly aka like generally augh augh The music especially it sounds all messy and. Raggedy???? Idk how to describe it but it’s aka it is head in hands

Like Real People Do - Hozier

Cackles I drew something with lyrics from this one once but idk it makes me. Think of proximity particularly the part where he’s like “I will not ask you where you came from; I will not ask and neither should you” it makes me think of their silent communication IDK ITS AKA TO ME ALSO ALSO the bit where it goes “I will not ask you why you were creeping; in some sad way; I already know” Head in hands it’s so their silent communication thing

Tin Lover - The Paper Kites

Oughhh this song is so depressing it makes me think of them I don’t have too much else to say about it it’s just. Idk it is y’know

Alone Together - Fall Out Boy

OKAY. I’m going off about the lyrics again fall out boy has such good lyrics i swear to god /pos But the bit where it’s like “but do you got room for one more troubled soul?” is SO proximity actually Like the lyrics in general are so incredibly aka Also the “do you wanna feel beautiful?” Part makes me think of Killer and his sundresses head in hands and just the whole being alone together thing makes me unwell it’s so. Aka dude

Heaven, Iowa - Fall Out Boy

This is another that’s mostly here cause of vibes but like idk man it’s just very proximity to me you just gotta listen to it

As It Was - Hozier

I know you’ve mentioned this one in relation to proximity before and augh SO fucking real man

Paul - Cavetown

Okay okay I dunno man this one is just. Its them to me I’ve been doing this so long I’m not sure how to describe stuff anymore LMAO but this one really makes me think of them y’know

Safe House - Boxout

OKAY THIS ONE IS LIKE ANARCHY BY EGG TO ME deni gave this one to me too and it’s SO fucking proximity it drives me BATSHIT INSANE /pos The ukulele. Weeping. Weeping And just the lyrics in general Really just everything it’s so incredibly aka to me

Anyway!!! I think that’s all of it at the moment!! so there you go hope you enjoy my insanity (/silly) cackles

[ghostcrows]

That being said I do wanna talk about something here because I feel like people here might get it more than other places

I'm really sort of grappling with I guess actually accepting that I heavily exhibit BPD symptoms and have for years, like to the point that regardless of my feelings toward that diagnosis and who gives it out and their reasons for it - and despite my reservations toward any type of official diagnosis -AND despite feeling like I prematurely diagnosed myself as a teen and then avoiding the label altogether - I just want to treat the symptoms so that things can get better.

It's very isolating. I feel things incredibly intensely. It doesn't just go away it rattles my whole body physically for days or weeks. When I get attached to people it becomes unbearable for me and eventually, almost inevitably, for that person too

I struggle with what I think must be splitting, where...I think it's not quite as black and white as splitting is presented as where I absolutely hate someone or I absolutely love someone, but it's very close. Usually it's this conflicting mess of both at the same time, this very ugly place where resentment (founded or unfounded) meets complete idolization. It's not a position anybody deserves to be put in and I try to keep it to myself but, it's hard to hide intense feelings. People can usually tell when you're acting moody and weird even if you think you've got a good handle on it. And its incredibly overwhelming

And of course I've got abandonment issues lol...kind of the root of the whole thing right...and of course it becomes self fulfilling prophecy you know how that is...very annoying. Very unfair

And...I can be meaner than I like to think I'm capable of...it's usually a subtle thing but that's probably honestly worse. It's the kind of mean where I can even convince myself I'm not really being mean..but I am. Like. I'm certainly not being nice...and it comes from honestly usually just not knowing how to communicate that I'm in some weird fucking mood. When you tell people you're in a mood a lot of the time they're like oh whats up what's wrong and sometimes yeah you can talk about it to feel better but sometimes there's just nothing. You're just in some damn ass mood. It has not much to do with anything. And when you're in those moods it's hard to be around people and not be irritable and nasty. But it's also hard to be alone with it. And if you isolate you start to feel like a monster who needs to be locked up so that you don't hurt anybody. It's difficult to constantly be in some weird headspace that alienates you from other people.

And im impulsive in like...not quite as extreme ways as severe BPD but I have been there before where I was doing some of those things. It's more things like sending people 20000 texts a second or just like Reacting without stepping away and then having things immediately escalate. Getting to where I'm angry enough that I break things and i hurt myself. Not being able to sit with an unpleasant feeling. Not being able to handle criticism or rejection well

All of that to say... that it is a struggle and it's something I'm looking for good resources on. I'm trying out some self help DBT workbooks to see if that does anything for me. I don't know if I want to try CBT again I don't know how much it helped before but I know most therapists do CBT now ... I keep hearing about EMDR as some magical fuckin miracle treatment but I still barely know what it is. I'm not currently interested in being on medications but I'm not 100 percent against it either. Im at a crossroads with the very idea of therapy where I do think I need it but I also don't know how much it can realistically do for me or if I can find somethijg or someone that works for me. And also I can't afford it rn lol.

So um, if you struggle with this sort of stuff too just like feel free to DM me because I'd really like to talk about it with people who get it. And if you have anything that has helped you with these types of symptoms please feel free to share it. I will look into it

[jackslocket]

thanks for the tag @luvscharlos, mwah <3

who’s your fav driver? you guys will NEVER guess who, i am mysterious and incredibly nuanced with how i feel about my fav driver. my entire blog does Not revolve around said driver that would be STUPID. (carlos sainz)

do you have other fav drivers? oh the list is extensive - but charles is right right up there next to carlos (his wet cat energy has captivated me body and soul 💔), oscar, lando, jack doohan and logie bear too!! but also i fucking LOVE jenson button. i will never not love jenson button he is My Guy

who’s your least fav driver? i am not a hater!! i am a LOVER . peace n love on the planet earth 🫶🏽(liar. it's ocon, i just dont care for him much 🧀)

do you pull for drivers or do you like teams as well? sigh. i will always be a Ferrari Girl. destined (cursed) to be stuck here forever

if you like teams, who do you pull for? FORZA FERRARI SEMPREEEE‼️🔥💯🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹

how long have you been into f1? 🧍🏽‍♀️ i have been here since the beginning of the 2024 season

what got you into f1? i followed the natural pipeline of cars (2006) starring owen wilson -> fast and furious -> making my Entire personality abt fast cars -> eventually f1 (also @verstap-it really solidified it for me, she was like 'hey WATCH THIS bitch' and threw media at me until i fell down the rabbit hole with her)

do you enjoy fanfic/rpf? is this even a question.

how do you view new fans? i am a New Fan™ so.........

if you could take over as team principal for any team, who would it be and why? i should not be allowed a leadership position of any sorts, that would be irresponsible (*rattling the bars of my enclosure* FERRARI LET ME INNNNNNN) but actually, put me in williams, im sick of williams. logan deserves better #justiceforlogansargeant2024

are your friends and family into f1 as well? my mother grew up a schumi girl but refused to watch the sport after he stopped racing . ithink the fact this is My Thing now puts her off significantly because she sees me scream at the tv for ferrari and sees her a little 😭 - my brother is a rbr fanboy, loves max verstappen but Refuses to watch the races too because..... i am insufferable about them !! i have a few f1 friends, and they're all just as insufferable as i am - i also yap about it to my non-f1 friends and make obscure references constantly, theyhate me its great :)

are you open to talking to other fans/ making friends? ALWAYS. pls hit me up i love talking to new people and i need more f1 moots!!

tagging w/ no pressure: @verstap-it, @mclarengirlie, @sai-lec, @starsainz, @leclair-leclerc, @chilling-seavey n anyone else <3