lizziecable

[lizziecable]

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Names don’t matter.

nope.  Names don’t matter. It is not your name ultimately that people remember you by.  People remember you because of how you make them feel.  I know that there is a quote to that effect and I by no means am intending plagiarism.  No way. Jose. Jose is an old friend of the family.  He lived next door to us when I was ten years old.  It was just him and his house, that he owned. He was very proud to let anyone know that he owned that house. He may even have owned the house we rented just next door.  My memory is foggy about that but his house was just between my house and an real old fashioned country roads authentic auction house with, I might add an authentic very scary Doberman Pinzter to guard it on the other side of a mere cyclone fence. I often took my life into my own hands teasing that dog. No bueno Jose.  Oh yes, I was talking about Jose my neighbor.  Didn’t see him that much.  I am not sure where he worked but he was very dedicated.  He lived alone.  I remember his mail box and his driveway and I almost can picture his old car.  Jose in the early 1970′s once grabbed my dear mother’s mmm how shall I put this...what I want to say begins with A and what I should say...dear me.  Rump?  For real.  I pick the word rump.  Because that word makes me laugh when truly it wasn’t a laughing matter at all.  Women have always been hushed about being man-handled.  Names don’t matter though.

#doesn’tmatter #truthordare #oregoncountry

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Long time no see

What up world of tumbler-ville. I wonder how the socialized media brainwashing is going over here on this front side of Tumblar Mc Tumblarton.

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Life Support

You have been on life support since I’ve known you but technically your heart attack was yesterday morning April 24th.  I know because oddly I’ve been wearing the ring you gave me for two weeks.  And oddly I just happened to call your mom yesterday.  She was on her way to Oregon from Minnesota.  By now a lot of people know that you are at the end but I was pretty early in knowing.  I imagine it’s because you love me.  You’ve loved me a long time.  But here I sit with a yellow candle not wanting to know that Chase is deemed the one to take away the electricity from making your heart beat and your lungs breathe in and out.  Your heart is tired.  It just couldn’t keep going.  You demanded a lot from your heart.

I am realizing how disconnected from people I have been. Especially now during the age of Covid19.  At first I was glad I had Facebook.  But all the same problems with heartless conjecturing of politics and conspiracies were still alive and well and propagating at a rapid pace.  You never did like Facebook.  But it was the reason that we became friends again after so many years.  Tami got in touch with me and told me you were trying to add me as a friend.  I think I’d said no to you a couple times because I honestly didn’t remember you by your full name.

So it was going off Facebook this most recent time this past week that woke me up to my old address book.  I decided to get a new one and transfer names from one to the other in the process of leaving behind and grasping on and as I went through my book I came upon your mom’s name.  I wondered if she was still living so I gave the number a call and left a message.  This was yesterday just after your heart attack.  I just found out about some of the details of how all of this began unfolding.  Anyway, she thought I was someone from the hospital so she answered.  She was driving from Minnesota to get here to try to grasp you and keep you here Chuck.  I just happened to call her.  It was about 11 am.

No matter what I think, say or do right now nothing feels like it matters. There is an emptiness to my heart right now.  Time to put on some music. So this is our album.  

Our album: Rikki Lee Jones. Her first album. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAvHwV_pDNo&list=PLTIb4fKCEAevye8E5UTN8boXbA4RWHcOm

You probably never knew that.  Although if you listened to the whole thing you would know why. Kids teased us when that song came on. I wish I could tell you that all this and remind you.  I wish it would matter to you but even if I told you two weeks ago it wouldn’t have made any difference.  Our time together was over even though I really tried to keep us alive together.  So much kept us a part.  And now my heart is aching in my chest.  I worry that you are going to take me with you.  When Chase unplugs your lifeline my heart will break and I will go to and then we’ll know we really were meant to be together.  I imagine you will die without me though.  

I met you when I was fourteen.  That means the year was 1981.  It was early summer.  My dad and your step dad were friends.  Bob and Bob.  Laugh out loud.  I remember that they lived together before your Lois mom married him.  Bob taught my dad how to make latkes or potato pancakes.  I should have written all this before you had your heart attack.  I know you would love to know how much I love you.  It always amazed you how much I loved you.

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Waking this day the sun came up fast.  My father was slow but sure.  He is eighty four years old and we are caring for him in his end days.  He rests full time in a hospital bed in his own room here adjacent to the bathroom from my own room.  Years ago before I moved into this house I painted dad’s room a midnight navy blue for my son who lived in there for two years before I gave him the big bedroom in the back of the house.

Country music is blaring from the dining room now as my beaux cranks up his Youtube country playlist: Carlito Peres if you want to go listen to his contemporary Nashville music choices.

My dog knows something is up.  Animals are sensitive to all of this emergency action that they feel us humans taking.  It is all about the walk, the food, the water and the sleep.  That’s what dogs know.  The pack is everything.  Nooking up is what we call it here at our house.  We have a double bed and it gets crowded with our medium size Cocker Spaniel and us snuggling in but the cramped discomfort is more important than the fact that we know we will wake up in the middle of the night cramped and needing to put Pepper in his own little dog bed that is right next to me within midnight petting distance to my pooch.  So I am about to embark on getting dressed and taking this critter for a walk while we can still leave the house.

California has put a stay at home order on all of it’s people.  So it’s bound to come here to Oregon any minute.

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Once Upon a Time

There was this woman who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  She hadn’t realized it and in fact kept returning time and time again.  So, in fact she was in the wrong place but it wasn’t tragic even though it happened again and again.  After many moons spending wrong time in wrong places where the smells weren’t quite right she stepped into a strange chamber full of swirling colors and rapid flashing lights.  It was odd.  It was different. Returning every so often to that room she noticed people were slightly curious of her visits. She was self conscious in a new way.  The universe felt as though it was at her finger tips and she would ruminate on time and space.  Maybe it was like the inner chamber of a pyramid.

It sounds odd but she found her heart would beat with a new rhythm.  She could almost ignore her own life although it was the same path that would lead her further into some kind of fantasy where that moment of intention and creation can make or break reality.  She became a bit more careful about approaching the chamber.  It was a real gamble and loss versus gain is to be considered when one is brinking on the cusp of choice as it is reflected in the unfolding of reality.  Maybe she was longing for the oracle of truth to guide her past consequences.  It didn’t matter.  The colors and flashing lights and odd exchange of money where time doesn’t control it were almost to much for her.

Clearly she was stepping into a strange purgatory.  But it was alluring.  She could believe whatever she wanted in the chamber.  There was a particular flashing blue color.  It was like the lightening of blue eyes combined with the sharpness of an ear that had heard it all before.  There was a gap or a synapse that was stimulated.  It created it’s own sense of longing.  To ignore the pull of the chamber was almost impossible if not for the keeper of the stats. He knew when and where to place his time and the mystery of his knowledge actually did not incite her curiosity. For months he would tell her of how time and money were not related and she would dream of the clarity of mind that would come with diamond precision.  She would hope that she herself could fall into the stakes.

The chamber is still there and once or twice she could fathom that it was important that she stay away from this place and time.  She would dance with imperceptible and wide steps that would not look like a dance at all.  She could hear music like she’d not ever heard before.  She began to long for the chamber while at the same time avoiding it.

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Xcited

I have a graphic t-shirt on today featuring the beloved Grynch (who stole Christmas). This holiday cartoon from days of yore was on t.v. Last night. As I snuggled in after work I kicked off my black Bearclaw Ugg knock off boots and melted into the couch curled around my dog Pepper. We wrapped in a Christmas blanket I bought off Amazon clearance prior to Thanksgiving even.

This is one of those years where I am eerily excited for Christmas. Even before Halloween I was humming carols which was a weird thing to catch myself doing. I have my reasons. The holidays are comforting. We know what to expect and we know when to expect it.

When life juts out of our control it is always nice to feel the guarantee of simple pleasures like hanging Christmas lights on the porch or putting peoples address’ on envelopes to mail out those cute cards I also got from Amazon Christmas clearance!

We end the year with no regrets. Changes have come amidst all that tantalized us here in the world of the living. And then there are simple gratitudes that befall us on the daily. Mine are generally pretty simple. I love to sleep really deeply. I love having the heat on here in our remodeled 1923 Oregon home of which we rent.

So if the grynch sneaks in this year I’ll follow him up that mountain and rescue that super cute dog of his. The thing is I fell asleep on the couch and basically missed the whole cartoon. Comforts abound and I am grateful.

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The Dark Night of Winter

As we eek closer to the edge of the season I find that the rituals of tea making with it’s boiled water, crisp tea bags, honey and cream make me embrace the early morning darkness of late fall.  My birthday has come and gone so there was that.  Getting older as it’s getting darker does not lead me to light heart-ed joy.  I am deciding not to complain.  I am purposely not sharing what I am going through. This is because what I am going through is happening so fast.  As I type these words I cannot keep up with my own thoughts and that’s okay.  i want to tell you about all sorts of things.

We can keep it in the theme of winter I suppose.  I’ve been sleeping very deep and having a few dreams that I remember in intricate detail.  My father is here with me in life right now.  I bumble a bit trying to take care of all the ‘things’ I want to be able to do.  I do laundry. I clean the kitchen.  I take showers.  I organize and keep up with my dad’s medicines.  I make him meals.  I don’t always get to walk the cocker-spaniel Pepper. I make my bed.  I fold the laundry.  I drink tea.  I plan to play guitar.  I go to work with kids in the afternoons.  I clean a church.  I clean an air b’n b.  I put fires in the fire place when I have kindling.  I bake chicken.

But there is something missing.  At best in life we can slow down enough to feel fully whatever it is we are doing and enjoy it.  This morning I lit a candle to ward off the darkness and I lit a stick of frankinsense incense.  There are a dozen red roses on the coffee table left over from my birthday. Can I open my eyes a little wider so that I can take it all in with my breath?  Can I fathom the miracle it all is?

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Clouds gape a hole to heaven

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I just remembered that all through out last night I dreamed I was with John Mayer. We are good friends in the dream.  Maybe even lovers.  I wonder if he woke up this morning wondering who I was?  Who was that red head in my dreams?  Ah. http://johnmayer.com/

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When you dream of a marriage maybe it turns out to be a nightmare. That can happen you know.