#fuck photo day and fuck working and fuck ovaries and fuck not being able to see junaid jamshed live bc I was a baby during his hot boy era

[zibah-ho]

nearly cried and then went full giggling twirling hair kicking my legs blushing about junaid jamshed in the space of three minutes in the back of an Uber

[shinydixon]

thank the lord he's getting the questions screened!!! last con was just too much. too much. i was there. it was awkward and you could kind feel the tension in the air between the people who just wanted to appreciate him and have fun and the fans who wanted to be invasive or cringe. i know everybody thought that little kid coming up and singing cute and he handled it very well and the hug really punched me in my ovaries but he really didn't know what to do there for a sec. then you have people asking him what he smells like, asking him if he thinks eddie is dead then trying to goad him into answer shippy questions without making it sound like it was a ship question, a fucking kid asking him about his cigarettes and how long he's been smoking, this girl wasting her question by asking him to perform eddie's monologue like he's some damn monkey in a circus ready to entertain her. and she kept insisting on it! so yeah, it was pretty bad. he was amazing, a gentleman. when i went to give him the photo to sign i couldn't stop shaking, like, i was shaking really badly and it's mostly anxiety but at the time i was also starving because i hadn't eaten anything so that made the shaking worse. he noticed, obviously, signed my photo, and when i went to shake his hand by he held it for a second and said 'it's okay, sweetheart' then said a little bye. he's really really really really kind. and he makes you feel like you matter in a way that i don't think can be faked. it's the same thing with jaime too. it's funny 'cause jaime is much more....hm, i forgot the word in english. i want to say 'loud' but it's not quite the right word. but like, if you'd seen jaime the day before and you see him again in the next, he's like 'OH THERE SHE IS WELCOME BACK DARLING' lol but joe does the same thing in a quiet manner. it's very sweet. i went off topic, sorry. but as i was saying, joe doesn't deserve the treatment he go from fans last weekend. he's not at cons to perform for you, he's not there to be asked about his private life. and he's not there to validate your stupid ship. the thing about asking him ship stuff is that he's never, ever ever ever ever, going to say something controversial. he's not dumb nor crazy. he's not going to say eddisy is a bad ship, he's not going to say steddie is a bad ship, hell, that anon who said they like eddie/nancy here, i'm sure if someone asked him about that he'd be 'wow, yeah, it could work, it could work...' he's NOT going to invalidate a ship or the other. he's a chronically offline man but he's smart and he knows what's going on. ...all that to say that i'm so glad the questons are being screened. SPN took a long time to do it and things got really out of hand before they did it but it worked out and made things a bit less stressful.

First of all, I'm so happy you met him and thank you for share your experience! He's so wholesome 🥺🤍

I think that Jamie is more outgoing with affection, I get it what you're trying to say 😂

Anyway i didn't know about the monologue, wtf? I wasn't brave enough to listen to the panel recording, but thinking about the fact that I could be here listening i kinda feel lucky i wasn't able to go in the end💀

It's better like this, hopefully screening questions will help

[missluckycharms]

What is grief, if not love persevering?

Anon asked: heyyy! i love your writing sm💕 can you write angst please? make it hurt☹

Masterlist.

Summary: in which Harry is a single Dad due to losing his wife five years ago just shortly after their little love was born. Y/N has been there through it all. Harry has a rough night filled with whiskey and tears for his late wife.

A/N: this one is full of Angst and light hearted jokes to not get you too sad … sorry in advance, it’s a real tear jerker. Enjoy!!

Warnings: Angst, mentions of death, talks of alcohol and drug abuse, talks of depression and very low mental health, curse words.

—

Five years.

It’s been five years since the passing of Myla Styles, the woman who granted Harry a wish he always wanted, the woman who loved him beyond all the galaxies and the woman who never saw any wrong in anyone, not even the worst of people, she always used to say “deep down, their heart is just aching” and Harry always admired that about her, she always looked on the positive side of life.

She held that same attitude as he held her hand in the hospital room, her fragile and pale body laying on the white bed as she peered up at him, oxygen tube in her nostrils and too many machines to count hooked up to her body, she was a shell of a woman, but she still had a heart of gold, the same hear Harry fell in love with when they were sixteen years of age. He hated seeing her this way, especially when their nearly one week old baby was resting in his other arm, fast asleep as her Mum clung to every bit of life she had left, but not once did her smile fade.

It all happened so fast, one day she was pushing life into the world and eight days later her life was being taken out of this world. There was complications with birth, the doctors and nurses finding undiagnosed ovarian cancer in her ovaries when they had to send her in for an emergency c section. Myla confessed she felt off, her body didn’t feel right, but she knew if something was seriously wrong, she wouldn’t risk the life of her baby getting treatment, she would rather her baby live over her. Doctors and nurses tried their best, trying to refer her to new hospitals to get stronger chemo if she wanted, but Myla refused, she told them to let her go, she was tired and she couldn’t stick around long enough to see if these treatments would work — she knew she was dying but Harry refused to believe it.

The day she left, was the day Harry felt like his whole world stopped, like the curtains were shut and he was left in a dark room with no way out. He promised Myla he would do his best to take care of their love, who they named Honey. He was dealing with the loss, Honey taking his mind off it a little and giving him reasons to pull himself from bed even on the days when he wanted to lay around and wallow in his own darkness — she pulled him out of those days, but two months later it all came crashing down on top of him.

He slipped into a wrong mind set, immediately knowing that Honey had to be taken away from him because he was living in fear he would hurt her, one day he woke up and he looked at her and just cried, he held her and he felt nothing, he didn’t even sympathise with her when she would cry for food, he felt nothing towards Honey and this scared him, terribly. Anne, his Mum took Honey in, letting Harry to relax and blow off some steam and get some help, his and Myla’s family all agreeing and saying he needed help and it wasn’t something to be ashamed about — he just lost his wife, they can’t lose him either.

Harry took the wrong route of clearing his mind and getting help, he found his therapy at the end of a bottle and a line of cocaine. He slipped into an endless spiral of week long benders and debts for drug money along with risking losing his home due to him quitting his high up job at his Fathers Law firm, he completely crashed and burned, he couldn’t live without her, he couldn’t stop his mind racing and the only way for it all to stop, and let him feel numb — was when he was drunk and high, passing out in every room of his home and in his garden, the neighbours finding him sometimes in their yard in a mess. They were the ones who got him help, they called up his family and they all rushed him off in an ambulance to get him sober and conscious again. Here is where he made the decision to sign himself into rehab, accepting the help the hospital offered and a few months later, he was out and clean, he stayed with his Mum until Honey turned one and that was the year Harry found his smile again, found his life and purpose again.

Looking back now, he doesn’t know how he ever made himself believe it was Honeys fault Myla was no longer here, he doesn’t know how he’s even alive because of all the drugs and alcohol he ingested every single night for three months solid, but he knows why everything turned around, it was his Angel looking down on him, guiding him and kicking him in the ass to get up and look after their little love, just like she asked him to do before she left, always look after himself and Honey.

It’s been five years since her passing, Harry is doing better than ever, he started working for his Dad’s company again and now he’s the president of the law firm, alongside his Dad who is the CEO, Harry being second in command and then being the CEO when his Dad retires from the firm. They kept their family home, even if it was just the two of them, they loved the home and it still felt like Myla was living here, her makeup still tucked away in her unused vanity in Harrys bedroom and her favourite paintings still hung up around the home. Harry even hired a nanny, she has been working for him for two years now, she’s even working alongside Harry in his office being his receptionist during the day and she’s Honeys afternoon and night nanny when she’s done in work and Honey is home from school.

Y/N is Honeys nanny, she takes care of the little lady and feeds her daily, even taking her to the playground and to the movies when Honey asked her could she go. She would do anything for Honey and Honey loved her endlessly, she loved the way she would allow her to eat sneaky chocolate bars after dinner every now and then and how she would always play dollies with her, kneeling down on the floor of the den and playing with the small girl until they were both in fits of laughter. Harry also adored Y/N, her passion for her job at the law firm along with her passion for looking after Honey is something he admires, she never once complains about being exhausted even though he can tell when she is, she didn’t have to think twice when Harry offered her the job as Honeys nanny, she knew the little one from her being in the office every now and then, and Honey was instantly drawn to her, the way she was so kind and the way she cared for Honey.

Tonight is a hard night for Harry, it’s Myla’s death anniversary and he’s been having a bad day, his mind racing and his heart breaking all over again, but this time he’s stronger, he’s able to power through until he could be alone and just let his emotions go, have a glass of whiskey and just cry a little flipping through old photo albums — he does this every year on her anniversary. Honey is tucked up in bed and he’s sat alone in the den on the sofa, the photo albums on his lap and his hand clutching a small glass of whiskey as he sips on it flipping through many photos from their wedding and from when they were teens and drunk in love in high school — so many memories can be attached to one person, and Harry knew one day they would be memories, but he didn’t know it would be so soon.

“Honey is fast asleep, left her door cracked open so she can shout if she- Harry? Are you okay?” Y/N stops suddenly, her eyes landing on her boss who was hunched over a photo album on the sofa, curtains drawn and the only light coming from a lamp beside a framed wedding photo of him and Myla on the table by the sofa.

“Yeah, thanks for putting her to sleep” Harry says weakly, not turning around which alarms Y/N, she’s seen him like this last year, she let him be as she was only new to it, but this year she’s determined to sit with him all night if he needs — he needs to have some company.

“That’s you?” She asks sitting next to him, Harry not moving or telling her to leave, he accepts her company as she looks down at the photo his eyes are laid upon — two teenagers at a party.

“Yeah, m’hair was a curly mess” he says with a low laugh, looking over the photo of a seventeen year old version of himself, smiling cheekily clutching a red solo cup and Myla wrapped under his other arm holding him around his waist, both their smiles wide and cheeky and their cheeks flushed pink from the alcohol in their bodies.

“I think it looks cute, pitty it’s not as curly now” she says with a light laugh, watching as his ring clad fingers turn the page, taking a sip from his whiskey as he goes.

“This was our prom, she made me wear a pink fucking bow tie — absolutely hated it” he laughs, the crinkles by his eyes evident as Y/N laughs along, looking down at the curly headed teenager in a black suit, white shirt and a bright pink bow tie, matching Myla’s floor length dress next to him, a shawl over her shoulders matching as the corsage around her wrist match the pink of her dress also.

“She hated that dress a year later, she was packing up for college and I was helping her when she found it, immediately burst out laughing” he says laughing loudly, remembering back at the memory he has, Y/N beside him happy at how joyful he sounds speaking of the memories.

“Oh here we go, Frat boy Harry!” Y/N says with a loud laugh, pointing down at a shirtless twenty year old Harry, backwards cap on his head and “Myla’s Bitch!” Wrote on his stomach in paint, two beer bottles in his hands and Myla on his shoulders cheering with her hands up in a red bikini, matching his swimming trunks and baseball cap.

“Some of the best years of m’life, raging parties and no more curfews, we were two hormonal teens absolutely smitten for one another” he says shaking his head with a laugh, his eyes bright as he flicks them over the photos ranging from Harry dancing, Myla being pushed into the pool by him and Harry passed out with a mustache drawn on him with Myla next to him holding the marker with a bright smile mid laughter.

The book is filled with their college days, to their graduation day from college, their photo in their first apartment, Harry on his first day of work and Myla on hers. They took photos of small things, but at the time they meant the world to them, they were milestones in their lives and they never wanted to forget them. Harry is forever grateful that Myla had an obsession with photography, otherwise he wouldn’t have these to look back on and hopefully show Honey one day what her Mum was like, even if she’s drunk and half naked in some of them at college parties.

Harry and Y/N are in fits of laughter, tears falling from their faces as Harry explains every single memory behind each photo, one photo containing a memory of Myla at her bachelorette party, Harry coming out as a stripper and giving her a lap dance as she slaps his ass and throws money all over her husband — that one will definitely not be shown to Honey. Harry is like a whole different person when he speaks about her, his laugh becomes louder and his eyes become brighter, he even ditched his whiskey after one glass to speak about his late wife, Y/N looking at him with pure amazement and proudness of how far he’s come, how he pulled himself from a hard time and carried on life for the sake of his baby girl. He’s truly inspirational in her eyes.

“It should be easier than this by now, right? Like I shouldn’t be still grieving” he says when their laughs and stories come to a stop, their eyes hooded with sleep and faces hurting from laughing.

“What is grief, if not love persevering? You were both childhood sweethearts, you’ve loved her since you can remember and you always will, she’s your whole world, of course you’ll still grieve her, you still love her, and that’s okay” Y/N blurts out, her words quick as she blabs on while Harry watches her, a smile on his face as she explains and accepts his feelings.

“Never knew you were Shakespeare” is all he says, she rolls her eyes laughing, slapping his bicep a little as he shuts the album, tucking it away in the drawer again before turning his focus back onto Y/N beside him.

“Seriously though, never tell yourself you’ve been grieving for too long, it’s okay to grieve and cry yourself to sleep some nights, I get that, I do. You lost a person who made you who you are, but don’t forget, you still have a little one that will need you to be the person who makes her who she is”

Harry thinks she’s amazing, she’s smart and she’s so empathetic towards everyone and anyone. She has a heart of gold and she will never let anyone explain hers or anyone else’s feelings for them, she always allows people to express who they are, heck, one night she brought Harry to a gym after hours, explaining how her brother is a trainer there and he gave her the keys on the condition that she does his laundry for a month, she let Harry rage out and punch the shit out of a punching bag one night because he was so upset. She cheered him on and he was smiling as he was punching towards the end, she helped him release the emotions that built up and would of lead him back down a dark path.

She’s been an Angel sent from above, he knows Myla sent her to him because of how much they’re alike, Harry knows for sure they were sisters in a past life, their kind hearts and understanding natures alike but they have their differences, Myla was very out spoken and loved to party but Y/N is reserved and would rather stay inside with a hot chocolate and her crosswords while watching TV, but that’s another thing that Harry finds fascinating about her, she’s younger than him by eight years, when he was her age he was partying.

“Thank you Y/N, I needed this tonight” he says with a smile, her own smile on her face as she nods leaning over to rub her hand over his in a comforting manner, the pair looking at one another as they soak in their presences.

“It’s getting late, I should go” she says realising it’s nearly midnight, Harry and her need to be in work tomorrow morning and Harry has to wake up to get his little lady ready for school also. He gets a bit saddened when she says this, he secretly wants to hear more of her own college years and her own prom much like he told her earlier.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow” he says with a smile, watching as she gathers up her bag and throws it over her shoulder, car keys now in her hand as she smiles at him once more before heading for the den door. She pauses and looks back at him, his eyes meeting hers as they hold contact for a few seconds before she speaks up.

“See you tomorrow, Harry”

[wiypt-writes]

Stark Spangled Forever

One Shot: Changes

Intro: Dealing with the changes of growing older can be a right, royal pain…

Warnings: SMUT (NSFW, NO under 18s!”)

Pairing:Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

A/N: So this all came from that damned photo of Evans and Dodger…and my mind went to a very warped place, sorry not sorry. (You can blame @icanfeelastormbrewing​ and @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​ for encouragement!)

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Katie Stark and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Stark Spangled Forever Masterlist // Main Masterlist

July 2029

The Rogers household was at times with three kids all under 10 was chaotic. Before school, after school, at dinner times and bed times. But later at night, it was quiet, a time for Steve and Katie to relax with one another, ready to face it all again the day after. Well, that is when Bucky and Sam weren’t around, eating them out of house and home.

Tonight was one of those nights. All younger kids in bed, Emmy away with Brooke in Miami attending some beach party, and getting up to all sorts of mischief which Steve didn’t want to think about, leaving the two of them to snuggle on the sofa with a beer and a glass of wine, simply taking time out. And it wasn’t like they had to talk either to enjoy it. Like right now, Katie was curled up, her back nestling into Steve’s side as his arm lay across her chest, her nose buried in a book. Steve was watching some documentary on the History Channel, every so often dropping a kiss to the back of her head as she would reach up to rub his arm.

Domestic? Yes. Mundane? Yes. Absolute bliss? Yes.

The door the living room pushed open and Stark wandered in, tail wagging as he flopped down on the rug next to the fireplace, rolling onto his back, his preferred sleeping position. Katie eyed him for a moment and snorted.

“Thinks he owns the place.” she muttered, reaching out for her glass of wine. Noticing it was empty she gave a low groan and sat up.

“I’ll go…” Steve offered but she shook her head.

“No, honestly its fine…you need one or?”

He nodded, draining his bottle and she took the empty off him.

She headed out of the room and as soon as she had left Stark hopped up onto the sofa, laying his head against Steve who chuckled, giving him an ear scratch, his concentration still on the TV.

“Seriously.” Katie deadpanned and he looked up as she placed their drinks on the table. “I was gone for like 3 minutes if that…”

Steve shrugged and gave her a grin. “Guess he wanted a snuggle.”

“I don’t give a shit. Down.” Katie said, looking at the dog. Stark glanced at her reproachfully and instead twisted slightly so that he was on his back, looking up at Steve. “Fine…don’t listen to me…Steve, move him.”

“But look at him, baby…” Steve chuckled, glancing down at the dog.

“He’s in my seat.”

“Awww he’s comfy…”

“Steve!” Katie said louder this time and he turned his head up to see his wife stood there, arms folded as she glared at him then the dog. “I’m being serious…”

“Don’t shout you’ll upset him.” Steve said, not being able to resist teasing her a little more, but where as she would normally just laugh and call him a jerk or a dumbass, her eyes narrowed and her face grew stony.

“I’m not fighting with a dog over a seat on my fucking couch.” she said, “I said move him Steve…”

“Ok…” Steve said, holding his hands up “Stark, down…”

The dog gave a huff and slid off the sofa and Katie settled back into her seat.  Steve glanced at her, his eyebrow raised.

“Don’t look at me like that Steven.” she warned him “You let that dog get away with murder.”

Steve took a deep breath, and bit back the response that she had been the same with Lucky. He knew now wasn’t the time so instead he made a joke “Well, I have a soft spot for Starks…” he muttered as he dropped a kiss to her lips.

“Yeah, and it’s gonna stay soft tonight too.” she said, pushing on his chest causing him to laugh. “Seriously though that dog’s a menace…” “He’s not that bad…” “Not that bad…” Katie sat up “Steve, 4 days after he arrived he ate 3 boxes of crayons-” “Yeah but it made his poop multi-coloured-” “He chewed up my favourite pair of Laboutins-” “I told you not to leave them by the stairs. I’ll buy you some new ones-“

“And last week he ate the keys to my Camero Steve, my fucking keys!”

“Yeah but you got them back-“ “And I put up with all of that…” she rambled on, her tone and pace increasing and Steve frowned slightly as he could sense now there wasn’t a bit of humour or good nature in her voice any more “What I’m not gonna put up with is him stealing my fucking seat next to my fucking husband on my fucking couch!”

She finished her rant and Steve blinked, raising his eyebrows.

“Are you done?” he asked her a moment later, his voice flat.

She took a deep breath and moved to grab her book, resuming her previous position. “Yes.”

“Feel better for getting that off your chest?”

“That’s not what I was doing.”

“Sounded like it to me.”

She groaned and slammed her book shut “I’m going upstairs…” Steve signed “Katie, come on sweetheart…don’t be like this.”

“Like what?”

“All pissed off over the dog!” he said, shaking his head “You’re being ridiculous.”

As soon as the words flew out of his mouth he grimaced inwardly. The worst thing he could ever say in the middle of one of her outbursts was exactly that.

“Really… ok, well how’s this for ridiculous? You love the dog so much? You can sleep with him in his basket tonight…” she snarled at Steve, before she stormed out of the room.

Steve watched her go, his mouth dropping open before he let out a groan and threw himself back against the cushions. In a second Stark had jumped back up into the spot Katie had vacated.

“What the fuck just happened?” he asked the dog, who promptly thumped his tail as he turned his head to Steve, before sneezing straight in the soldier’s face.

******

“And that’s all you did?” Bucky eyed Steve suspiciously.

“Yeah…” Steve protested his innocence “She just absolutely lost it! Then she gave me the cold shoulder this morning, and maintained radio silence all day other than to reply with the word OK when I said I was coming out to meet you guys after work.”

“So is it all down to the dog then?” Bucky asked.

“Possibly.” Steve conceded “He’s a little…different to Lucky…”

He trailed off, pondering what Bucky had said, wondering if his best friend had hit the nail on the head. Stark had been with them just over 7 months now and whilst Katie wasn’t overly hostile towards him, she wasn’t as loving either as she had been with Lucky. Steve got it, well he thought he did, she’d loved Lucky to pieces, but Stark was just as good a dog. Ok, so he was a little boisterous and far more mischievous than Lucky had been and had taken time to settle in. And he still had a habit of eating and chewing things but, all in all, the kids loved him, Steve loved him…

“Well, whatever it is I do know one thing…” Sam said, drawing Steve’s attention back to him.

“What?”

“The more you try and make sense of it, the less sense it’s gonna make.” he shrugged “Dude she’s a woman, just…”

Steve shook his head, whilst Katie was prone to her little moments and bratty outbursts, he was normally pretty good at getting into her head and understanding what was wrong with her. That was something that came from knowing her for 17 years and being in love with her for 16. Or 17 as he often admitted to himself that he was pretty sure he’d fallen for her that day she’d given him her cell number as they waved goodbye to Thor. Hell, if you added in the 15 he’d spent back in time after taking the stones back it was over 30…

“She’s not like that.” Steve said, “Ok she can be a bit hormonal at times but…”

“There you have it, maybe it’s time of the month?” Bucky shrugged and Steve rolled his eyes.

“She’s never normally that bad…”

Sam pondered for a moment “How old is she?”

“45 just gone, why?”

Sam made a noise as he clicked is finger and pointed at Steve “Menopause?”

“What?” Steve looked at him as Bucky scoffed.

“Shut up Birdbrain.” Bucky shook his head “That’s far too young to-“ “I’m being serious man…” Sam shrugged “That’s about the time my mom started going through the change and it was like living with a fucking velociraptor…” Steve took another drink of his beer.

“She been having any other symptoms? Hot flushes? How’s the sex life?” Sam pressed.

Steve groaned, his neck and ears flushing “The sex is fine, it’s great, as always…” he trailed off, refusing to discuss this anymore but even as he shook his head he thought back to a moment a few days ago when Katie had been complaining that she was really warm, despite him cracking the AC on full whack.

Bucky, sensing Steve’s discomfort changed topic and they spent the rest of the evening discussing far less dangerous subjects than Katie’s potentially dwindling ovaries before they called it a night and set off home. Sam headed for the subway to go back into Manhattan whilst Steve and Bucky continued towards their relative homes.

“Don’t worry about it.” Bucky said “She’ll be waiting when you get home with an apology, maybe in the form of a blow job…” Steve snorted “Maybe.” “And don’t listen to Sam. He talks shit.” Steve bid Bucky goodnight, and as he walked the few blocks back to their house he pulled his phone out and started googling symptoms of the menopause, grimacing as he read them.

Hot flushes, night sweats, weight gain, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, memory loss, sore or tender breasts, headaches, difficulty sleeping, vaginal dryness…

Fuck.

…a reduced sex drive

Double fuck.

…, mood swings, palpitations, joint stiffness, recurrent UTIs.

“Jesus” he groaned to himself, shoving his phone back in his pocket. He could attribute at least 10 of those to Katie over the past few months, remembering clearly the other day she’d flipped out at the fact her jeans were a little tight at the moment, and she’d had a banging headache yesterday morning, and had managed about 4 hours sleep…then there was the memory loss as she’d gone into the kitchen with the remote control and come back without it, having put it in the fridge, she’d complained last week her boobs were constantly sore…

Steve shook his head, if she was going through all this then she was entitled to be a little off and he was going to have to just put up with it as best he could.

He pressed his palm to the pad on the gate and once it was open enough he slipped through and walked to the door, sliding his key into the lock. Stark instantly shot out to greet him and after bending to give the dog loves he stood up and followed the soft tones of the piano to the den where Katie was playing with Rori on her lap already dressed for bed.

“Ok, now you try…” his wife said softly, and Rori placed her hands on the keys and began to track her mother’s movements.

“Almost…” Katie grinned, looking down at her, before her hands moved back and she played up a slowly “Try again.” This time Rori nailed it and let out a squeal as Katie laughed and dropped a kiss to her head.

“Nice work Princess…” Steve said, and they both turned to look at him.

“Daddy!” Rori said with a grin, shooting off the stool to run to him. He swept her up and gave her a big kiss on the cheek.

“Hey.” he smiled at her “You had a good day?”

Rori nodded “We did err…that thing where you do the numbers with each other and…what was it momma?”

“Times tables.” Katie smiled and Rori nodded.

“Yeah that, and then we did some reading and I got a gold star for doing a full chapter.”

“No way!” Steve grinned “You’re a brainbox just like your ma.” “So Momma made us all tacos for tea as a treat and then I did some piano!”

“I saved you some.” Katie looked at Steve “Wasn’t sure if you’d have eaten or not.” “Thanks.” he smiled at her taking her gesture for exactly what he knew it was, an apology. “The boys in bed?”

“Harry is. Jamie is in his room on his computer.”

“Ok, I’ll pop up. You ready for bed munchkin?”

Rori nodded “Story time?”

“You bet.”

With Rori in his arms he crossed the room to drop a kiss to Katie’s head before he took his daughter upstairs, Stark following. By the time he’d read Rori a story, tucked her in, checked on Harry and then had a hushed argument with Jamie about how he had another 30 minutes before lights almost 40 minutes had passed before he finally headed downstairs.

Katie was in the kitchen loading stuff into the dishwasher and he made his way over, wrapping his arms round her waist.

“I’m sorry.” she said gently, turning to face him, her hands gently scratching at his beard “I was out of order yesterday…” “It’s ok…” “No, it’s not.” she sighed “I’ve been up and down all over the last few months and taking it out on you and the kids isn’t fair.”

“Do you know why?” Steve asked, wondering how on earth he was going to broach the subject.

“Yeah, well, maybe. I spoke to Pepper before when she rang asking what time she should send Happy for the kids tomorrow, and she suggested I might be…” Katie took a deep breath “…going through the change, so to speak…” If Pepper had been in the room right there and then, Steve would have probably kissed her for being the one to bring this up so he didn’t have to.

“Anyway, I’ve made an appointment to go to the Doctor’s tomorrow.” Katie shrugged.

“Do you want me to come?” Steve asked.

“No.” she said, “It’s the middle of the afternoon. You’ll be in class.” “Ok.” he said, “Well, whatever it is we’ll work it together, yeah” “I know.” she smiled, as he leaned down to give her a kiss.

“And as the kids are at Peppers tomorrow, I think that means we can spend a bit of time alone…” he nudged her nose with his and she smiled “Take out, bottle of wine…” “The dog…” she smirked and Steve laughed.

“I’ll lock him in the hallway…” “You can’t do that to him!” she said, scoffing. “Poor Stark…”

“You hated him yesterday…”

“I don’t hate him.” she said softly “He’s just not Lucky…but Jamie made me realise something before. He pointed out that he has so many little personality traits that are different to Lucky…he’s his own dog, in his own right…I’ve not really been fair to him…”

“Hey…” he said, spotting the tears in her eyes. “Honey don’t…” “See!” she blurted out, spluttering a laugh as she wiped at her face “This is fucking ridiculous…”

Steve chuckled as he wrapped his arms around her again and she pressed her cheek into his t-shirt, breathing in his smell as she always did when she needed to ground herself. A mixture of the sandalwood notes in his aftershave, the soft linen smell of his clothes and, well, another smell, a manly type of note that she simply called his Steve scent. One that she insisted no other man smelt like and that she told him she was convinced came from the serum.

“I don’t wanna be going through the menopause” she moaned, “I don’t wanna get old, and wrinkly, and fat and…barren…”

At that Steve laughed, because he couldn’t fucking help it.

“Barren?” he looked down at her, shaking his head “You’re such an idiot…we have 4 kids…you gave birth to 3 of them.” “Don’t remind me.” she pulled back and narrowed her eyes “Rori’s birth still haunts me.”

“You know I was so proud of you that day.” he smiled at her. “Still am.”

“I’ve never been so frightened in my life.” she said, “And I mean that…even when we fought…and Tony…” she trailed off and swallowed “But I’d do it all again in a heartbeat because she’s so damned perfect and amazing…”

Something washed over Steve at her words, a feeling of pure love but also unadulterated absolute, heartfelt desire and he tipped his wife’s chin up so that she was looking directly at him, and he dropped his face.

“God I fucking love you…” he mumbled, pressing his lips to hers again, his arms pulling her closer.

“Yeah?” she asked as his hands moved to her hips and he gently lifted her up onto the counter.

“Yeah…” he said, standing in between her legs, his mouth dropping to her neck. She rolled her head back, giving him better access as he nipped at her pulse-point, before his lips moved to that hollow at the bottom of her throat, his beard scratching her skin. She let out a soft sigh as he smirked a little, her legs hooking around his waist to pull him closer.

“Want something baby girl?” he asked and she let out a groan at his words.

“Yeah, you…” she said, shamelessly.

“Well we all know that you always get what you want, brat…” he muttered, his lips sliding up to hers and he kissed her hard, his tongue sliding against hers as his hands moved to pop the button on her denim shots before he gently grasped at the waistband and she shifted to allow him to pull them down over her legs, tossing them to one side. His hands slip up underneath the t-shirt she was wearing, pulling down one side of her bra, his hands gently teasing at her nipple, all the time listening to the soft noises and groans she was making as he continued, his nose brushing against hers, smiling softly.

“You like that?” he whispered, knowing full well that she did, but he knew she liked his soft dirty talk and she gave a sigh and a nod, followed by a little squeak as he pushed two fingers insider her.

Her head fell forward onto his shoulder as her hands grasped at his back through his T-shirt, and as he continued to stroke and coax her she bit down on his neck causing him to hiss slightly at the bite of pain.

“Need you…” she purred into his ear “Please.”

And when she asked like that, he was always powerless to refuse. This woman was his absolute weakness.

He moved his head to kiss her again, and removing his hand from her panties he reached up and pulled them down before he stood up, and she reached for his belt, opening it easily and quickly before doing the same to the button and zip on his jeans. She pushed them down, over his hips as Steve’s hands moved to her back and he gently pulled her forwards, sliding her towards him, letting her feel how ready he was. She reached down and gently gave his hard cock a pump up and down and he let out a groan as he pulled her off the counter slightly, her legs wrapping around his waist, arms round his neck, her lower back resting against the side of the worktop both of them letting out a load moan of satisfaction as he pushed forward, all the way home.

Steve’s head dropped to Katie’s shoulder, his mouth once more on the pulse point in her neck as he thrust again, his hands on her back, keeping her supported slightly

“God you feel so good…” he said, his lips moving back to hers as he set a pace that was torturously slow, and deep, and loving. Thrust after thrust he kept his lips either on hers or centimetres away, watching her intently as her pupils blew as he worked her up, driving into her, as deep as he could go, one hand resting at the back of her spine to keep her back from slamming into the harsh marble edge of the counter, the other guiding her head so he could kiss her, hard.

Her hands moved, the nails scraping lightly at the nape of his neck, and Steve felt himself falter for a split second at her touch.  

“Fuck doll…” he groaned into her mouth as she grinned cheekily, her hands sliding down to his bare ass as she urged him on, desperate for him to pick up the pace. So be obliged, giving her what she wanted.

Because he always did.

She held on to his ass for dear life, moaning with her body arching in his hands, the fabric of his jeans chafed delectably against her thighs, the belt buckle hitting her hard with every thrust and before long she let out a loud groan, her hands tightening on his skin as she cried out as he quickened his pace even more, causing her to gasp his name, a broken mumble of the word “Stevie…” before she let out a breathless gasp, her voice catching in her throat as the world began to tip on its axis.

“Come on, come for me doll…” he whispered, his breath hot on her ear. And that was it, she dropped over the edge, her head falling back as her hands slid up and grasped tightly on the hem of his shirt as she clenched around him, again and again, groaning and trembling, powerless to stop her body’s reactions. It took him another couple of thrusts before he gave a soft “oh” of pleasure, her name tumbled from his mouth before he bit down on her shoulder softly, reacting his own end. He gave a few erratic thrusts, pumping with short, deep strokes which sent Katie over another peak, but this was feeble as she collapsed forward, her head laying on his shoulder, utterly spent.

They stayed still for a moment, the only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock on the wall as Steve gently held his wife to him, as they both evened out from their high.

“Love you…” she said softly, kissing the tip of his nose causing him to smile, that cheeky smile he saved just for her before his lips met hers again

“Good, because I love you too pretty girl, more than you could ever know.”

***** If he was honest, Steve had forgotten all about Katie’s appointment until just after lunch, when he ushered his students into the seminar room and smiled at one of them, a small, slight red head, also called Katie. With a quick curse at himself, he fired his wife a text telling her to call him when she’d been seen, and that he loved her, before he closed the door and sat down in his chair and began to talk the group through the notes from the lecture before he invited them to discuss the subject of Money, impressionism and the understanding how the juxta positioning of colours against one another reflected the effects of light on objects.

Katie didn’t reply, other than to say that she was ok, the appointment had been fine and that Happy was on his way to collect the kids to take them to Pepper’s for the weekend. He’d said goodbye to them this morning, the 3 of them not in the slightest bit bothered they wouldn’t see him until Sunday, which was always something that slightly peeved him a little, but also made him glad that they had a good time with the Auntie and Cousin whilst they were at the lake house. It was important to him, and Katie, that their kids kept a good relationship with Pepper and Morgan, as they’d all be so close before Tony had died, so once a month all their kids headed up there, and then 2 weeks later Morgan would spend the weekend with them.

Steve drove the relatively short distance home and walked into the house, finding Katie at the kitchen table, face-timing Emmy and Brooke. He dropped a kiss to her cheek and waved at his eldest and he best friend, joining in the chat until they declared they had to get ready for the next round of partying and bid them both goodbye. Katie dropped the phone to the table as Steve stood up and retrieved a beer from the fridge. Katie waved off his offer and ran her hands over her face, a tired expression on her features as she stood up.

“Hey, you ok?” he asked, a little concerned as he flipped the lid off his beer. “Yeah…” she nodded, her eyes flickering to the white bag on the table which bore the Pharmacy logo on the front.

“I take it the Doctors gave you something then, for the…” he said, nodding towards it, taking a drink from the bottle. “It’s not the menopause.” she cut him off, shaking her head.

Steve frowned, “It’s not.” “No, I err…” she swallowed and looked at him “Steve, you might wanna sit down.”

“Are you sick?” Steve frowned, ignoring her instruction, his mind flying all over the place. That was his worst nightmare; that she got sick and it was serious, meaning she’d end up leaving him and the kids behind…

“Steve…” “Baby you’re worrying me…”

“I’m pregnant.” she blurted out.

The bottle Steve was holding slipped from his hand and landed on the tiles, shattering at his feet, showering the bottoms of his trousers in beer but he paid it no attention. Instead, he blinked, his wife’s words echoing around his head.

“Pregnant…” he whispered. “How, I mean…you’re on the pill…”

Katie shrugged “It can happen, apparently, and of course it would happen to us…”

Steve looked at her as she stood, her eyes locked onto his. They had certainly not planned this, one iota. Harry was meant to be their last, their little “one more” as they’d put it. But here they were, with another “one more” on the way.

“I…” Steve was struggling to find his words. “Honey…this…I…shit…”

“You know I expect this one…” she pointed to her belly “To be more articulate than you’re being right now when they’re two…”

He looked at her, blinked and then his face split into a huge grin and he pulled her to him, pressing his lips to hers in an excited kiss. “Oh my baby momma…” he pulled back, his hands cupping her face as she smiled up at him and he grinned cheekily “I got you pregnant 4 times…”

“Yeah, now I come to think of it the plants in the hallway are withering a little. Maybe you can go jerk off in the pots, bring them back to life.” she quipped.

“I’d rather fuck you if it’s all the same…” he grinned, reaching down and grabbing the back of her thighs, hauling her up against him as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Take me to bed Soldier” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and not one who needed asking twice, Steve kissed her again before he backed them out of the kitchen.

N/B SURPRISE MOFOS…BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!! Baby Rogers no 5 is on the way!!!!!

**Original Posting**

[what-is-your-plan-today]

Stark Spangled Forever: Changes

Intro: Dealing with the changes of growing older can be a right, royal pain…

Warnings: SMUT (NSFW, NO under 18s!”)

Pairing:Steve Rogers x OFC Katie Stark

A/N: So this all came from that damned photo of Evans and Dodger…and my mind went to a very warped place, sorry not sorry. (You can blame @icanfeelastormbrewing​ and @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​ for encouragement!)

I love your re-blogs and comment, as always.

SSF Masterlist // WIYPT Masterlist

July 2029

The Rogers household was at times with three kids all under 10 was chaotic. Before school, after school, at dinner times and bed times. But later at night, it was quiet, a time for Steve and Katie to relax with one another, ready to face it all again the day after. Well, that is when Bucky and Sam weren’t around, eating them out of house and home.

Tonight was one of those nights. All younger kids in bed, Emmy away with Brooke in Miami attending some beach party, and getting up to all sorts of mischief which Steve didn’t want to think about, leaving the two of them to snuggle on the sofa with a beer and a glass of wine, simply taking time out. And it wasn’t like they had to talk either to enjoy it. Like right now, Katie was curled up, her back nestling into Steve’s side as his arm lay across her chest, her nose buried in a book. Steve was watching some documentary on the History Channel, every so often dropping a kiss to the back of her head as she would reach up to rub his arm.

Domestic? Yes. Mundane? Yes. Absolute bliss? Yes.

The door the living room pushed open and Stark wandered in, tail wagging as he flopped down on the rug next to the fireplace, rolling onto his back, his preferred sleeping position. Katie eyed him for a moment and snorted.

“Thinks he owns the place.” she muttered, reaching out for her glass of wine. Noticing it was empty she gave a low groan and sat up.

“I’ll go…” Steve offered but she shook her head.

“No, honestly its fine…you need one or?”

He nodded, draining his bottle and she took the empty off him.

She headed out of the room and as soon as she had left Stark hopped up onto the sofa, laying his head against Steve who chuckled, giving him an ear scratch, his concentration still on the TV.

“Seriously.” Katie deadpanned and he looked up as she placed their drinks on the table. “I was gone for like 3 minutes if that…”

Steve shrugged and gave her a grin. “Guess he wanted a snuggle.”

“I don’t give a shit. Down.” Katie said, looking at the dog. Stark glanced at her reproachfully and instead twisted slightly so that he was on his back, looking up at Steve. “Fine…don’t listen to me…Steve, move him.”

“But look at him, baby…” Steve chuckled, glancing down at the dog.

“He’s in my seat.”

“Awww he’s comfy…”

“Steve!” Katie said louder this time and he turned his head up to see his wife stood there, arms folded as she glared at him then the dog. “I’m being serious…”

“Don’t shout you’ll upset him.” Steve said, not being able to resist teasing her a little more, but where as she would normally just laugh and call him a jerk or a dumbass, her eyes narrowed and her face grew stony.

“I’m not fighting with a dog over a seat on my fucking couch.” she said, “I said move him Steve…”

“Ok…” Steve said, holding his hands up “Stark, down…”

The dog gave a huff and slid off the sofa and Katie settled back into her seat.  Steve glanced at her, his eyebrow raised.

“Don’t look at me like that Steven.” she warned him “You let that dog get away with murder.”

Steve took a deep breath, and bit back the response that she had been the same with Lucky. He knew now wasn’t the time so instead he made a joke “Well, I have a soft spot for Starks…” he muttered as he dropped a kiss to her lips.

“Yeah, and it’s gonna stay soft tonight too.” she said, pushing on his chest causing him to laugh. “Seriously though that dog’s a menace…” “He’s not that bad…” “Not that bad…” Katie sat up “Steve, 4 days after he arrived he ate 3 boxes of crayons-” “Yeah but it made his poop multi-coloured-” “He chewed up my favourite pair of Laboutins-” “I told you not to leave them by the stairs. I’ll buy you some new ones-“

“And last week he ate the keys to my Camero Steve, my fucking keys!”

“Yeah but you got them back-“ “And I put up with all of that…” she rambled on, her tone and pace increasing and Steve frowned slightly as he could sense now there wasn’t a bit of humour or good nature in her voice any more “What I’m not gonna put up with is him stealing my fucking seat next to my fucking husband on my fucking couch!”

She finished her rant and Steve blinked, raising his eyebrows.

“Are you done?” he asked her a moment later, his voice flat.

She took a deep breath and moved to grab her book, resuming her previous position. “Yes.”

“Feel better for getting that off your chest?”

“That’s not what I was doing.”

“Sounded like it to me.”

She groaned and slammed her book shut “I’m going upstairs…” Steve signed “Katie, come on sweetheart…don’t be like this.”

“Like what?”

“All pissed off over the dog!” he said, shaking his head “You’re being ridiculous.”

As soon as the words flew out of his mouth he grimaced inwardly. The worst thing he could ever say in the middle of one of her outbursts was exactly that.

“Really… ok, well how’s this for ridiculous? You love the dog so much? You can sleep with him in his basket tonight…” she snarled at Steve, before she stormed out of the room.

Steve watched her go, his mouth dropping open before he let out a groan and threw himself back against the cushions. In a second Stark had jumped back up into the spot Katie had vacated.

“What the fuck just happened?” he asked the dog, who promptly thumped his tail as he turned his head to Steve, before sneezing straight in the soldier’s face.

******

“And that’s all you did?” Bucky eyed Steve suspiciously.

“Yeah…” Steve protested his innocence “She just absolutely lost it! Then she gave me the cold shoulder this morning, and maintained radio silence all day other than to reply with the word OK when I said I was coming out to meet you guys after work.”

“So is it all down to the dog then?” Bucky asked.

“Possibly.” Steve conceded “He’s a little…different to Lucky…”

He trailed off, pondering what Bucky had said, wondering if his best friend had hit the nail on the head. Stark had been with them just over 7 months now and whilst Katie wasn’t overly hostile towards him, she wasn’t as loving either as she had been with Lucky. Steve got it, well he thought he did, she’d loved Lucky to pieces, but Stark was just as good a dog. Ok, so he was a little boisterous and far more mischievous than Lucky had been and had taken time to settle in. And he still had a habit of eating and chewing things but, all in all, the kids loved him, Steve loved him…

“Well, whatever it is I do know one thing…” Sam said, drawing Steve’s attention back to him.

“What?”

“The more you try and make sense of it, the less sense it’s gonna make.” he shrugged “Dude she’s a woman, just…”

Steve shook his head, whilst Katie was prone to her little moments and bratty outbursts, he was normally pretty good at getting into her head and understanding what was wrong with her. That was something that came from knowing her for 17 years and being in love with her for 16. Or 17 as he often admitted to himself that he was pretty sure he’d fallen for her that day she’d given him her cell number as they waved goodbye to Thor. Hell, if you added in the 15 he'd spent back in time after taking the stones back it was over 30...

“She’s not like that.” Steve said, “Ok she can be a bit hormonal at times but…”

“There you have it, maybe it’s time of the month?” Bucky shrugged and Steve rolled his eyes.

“She’s never normally that bad…”

Sam pondered for a moment “How old is she?”

“45 just gone, why?”

Sam made a noise as he clicked is finger and pointed at Steve “Menopause?”

“What?” Steve looked at him as Bucky scoffed.

“Shut up Birdbrain.” Bucky shook his head “That’s far too young to-“ “I’m being serious man…” Sam shrugged “That’s about the time my mom started going through the change and it was like living with a fucking velociraptor…” Steve took another drink of his beer.

“She been having any other symptoms? Hot flushes? How’s the sex life?” Sam pressed.

Steve groaned, his neck and ears flushing “The sex is fine, it’s great, as always…” he trailed off, refusing to discuss this anymore but even as he shook his head he thought back to a moment a few days ago when Katie had been complaining that she was really warm, despite him cracking the AC on full whack.

Bucky, sensing Steve’s discomfort changed topic and they spent the rest of the evening discussing far less dangerous subjects than Katie’s potentially dwindling ovaries before they called it a night and set off home. Sam headed for the subway to go back into Manhattan whilst Steve and Bucky continued towards their relative homes.

“Don’t worry about it.” Bucky said “She’ll be waiting when you get home with an apology, maybe in the form of a blow job…” Steve snorted “Maybe.” “And don’t listen to Sam. He talks shit.” Steve bid Bucky goodnight, and as he walked the few blocks back to their house he pulled his phone out and started googling symptoms of the menopause, grimacing as he read them.

Hot flushes, night sweats, weight gain, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, memory loss, sore or tender breasts, headaches, difficulty sleeping, vaginal dryness…

Fuck.

…a reduced sex drive

Double fuck.

…, mood swings, palpitations, joint stiffness, recurrent UTIs.

“Jesus” he groaned to himself, shoving his phone back in his pocket. He could attribute at least 10 of those to Katie over the past few months, remembering clearly the other day she’d flipped out at the fact her jeans were a little tight at the moment, and she’d had a banging headache yesterday morning, and had managed about 4 hours sleep…then there was the memory loss as she’d gone into the kitchen with the remote control and come back without it, having put it in the fridge, she’d complained last week her boobs were constantly sore…

Steve shook his head, if she was going through all this then she was entitled to be a little off and he was going to have to just put up with it as best he could.

He pressed his palm to the pad on the gate and once it was open enough he slipped through and walked to the door, sliding his key into the lock. Stark instantly shot out to greet him and after bending to give the dog loves he stood up and followed the soft tones of the piano to the den where Katie was playing with Rori on her lap already dressed for bed.

“Ok, now you try…” his wife said softly, and Rori placed her hands on the keys and began to track her mother’s movements.

“Almost…” Katie grinned, looking down at her, before her hands moved back and she played up a slowly “Try again.” This time Rori nailed it and let out a squeal as Katie laughed and dropped a kiss to her head.

“Nice work Princess…” Steve said, and they both turned to look at him.

“Daddy!” Rori said with a grin, shooting off the stool to run to him. He swept her up and gave her a big kiss on the cheek.

“Hey.” he smiled at her “You had a good day?”

Rori nodded “We did err…that thing where you do the numbers with each other and…what was it momma?”

“Times tables.” Katie smiled and Rori nodded.

“Yeah that, and then we did some reading and I got a gold star for doing a full chapter.”

“No way!” Steve grinned “You’re a brainbox just like your ma.” “So Momma made us all tacos for tea as a treat and then I did some piano!”

“I saved you some.” Katie looked at Steve “Wasn’t sure if you’d have eaten or not.” “Thanks.” he smiled at her taking her gesture for exactly what he knew it was, an apology. “The boys in bed?”

“Harry is. Jamie is in his room on his computer.”

“Ok, I’ll pop up. You ready for bed munchkin?”

Rori nodded “Story time?”

“You bet.”

With Rori in his arms he crossed the room to drop a kiss to Katie’s head before he took his daughter upstairs, Stark following. By the time he’d read Rori a story, tucked her in, checked on Harry and then had a hushed argument with Jamie about how he had another 30 minutes before lights almost 40 minutes had passed before he finally headed downstairs.

Katie was in the kitchen loading stuff into the dishwasher and he made his way over, wrapping his arms round her waist.

“I’m sorry.” she said gently, turning to face him, her hands gently scratching at his beard “I was out of order yesterday…” “It’s ok…” “No, it’s not.” she sighed “I’ve been up and down all over the last few months and taking it out on you and the kids isn’t fair.”

“Do you know why?” Steve asked, wondering how on earth he was going to broach the subject.

“Yeah, well, maybe. I spoke to Pepper before when she rang asking what time she should send Happy for the kids tomorrow, and she suggested I might be…” Katie took a deep breath “…going through the change, so to speak…” If Pepper had been in the room right there and then, Steve would have probably kissed her for being the one to bring this up so he didn’t have to.

“Anyway, I’ve made an appointment to go to the Doctor’s tomorrow.” Katie shrugged.

“Do you want me to come?” Steve asked.

“No.” she said, “It’s the middle of the afternoon. You’ll be in class.” “Ok.” he said, “Well, whatever it is we’ll work it together, yeah” “I know.” she smiled, as he leaned down to give her a kiss.

“And as the kids are at Peppers tomorrow, I think that means we can spend a bit of time alone…” he nudged her nose with his and she smiled “Take out, bottle of wine…” “The dog…” she smirked and Steve laughed.

“I’ll lock him in the hallway…” “You can’t do that to him!” she said, scoffing. “Poor Stark…”

“You hated him yesterday…”

“I don’t hate him.” she said softly “He’s just not Lucky…but Jamie made me realise something before. He pointed out that he has so many little personality traits that are different to Lucky…he’s his own dog, in his own right…I’ve not really been fair to him…”

“Hey…” he said, spotting the tears in her eyes. “Honey don’t…” “See!” she blurted out, spluttering a laugh as she wiped at her face “This is fucking ridiculous…”

Steve chuckled as he wrapped his arms around her again and she pressed her cheek into his t-shirt, breathing in his smell as she always did when she needed to ground herself. A mixture of the sandalwood notes in his aftershave, the soft linen smell of his clothes and, well, another smell, a manly type of note that she simply called his Steve scent. One that she insisted no other man smelt like and that she told him she was convinced came from the serum.

“I don’t wanna be going through the menopause” she moaned, “I don’t wanna get old, and wrinkly, and fat and…barren…”

At that Steve laughed, because he couldn’t fucking help it.

“Barren?” he looked down at her, shaking his head “You’re such an idiot…we have 4 kids…you gave birth to 3 of them.” “Don’t remind me.” she pulled back and narrowed her eyes “Rori’s birth still haunts me.”

“You know I was so proud of you that day.” he smiled at her. “Still am.”

“I’ve never been so frightened in my life.” she said, “And I mean that…even when we fought…and Tony…” she trailed off and swallowed “But I’d do it all again in a heartbeat because she’s so damned perfect and amazing…”

Something washed over Steve at her words, a feeling of pure love but also unadulterated absolute, heartfelt desire and he tipped his wife’s chin up so that she was looking directly at him, and he dropped his face.

“God I fucking love you…” he mumbled, pressing his lips to hers again, his arms pulling her closer.

“Yeah?” she asked as his hands moved to her hips and he gently lifted her up onto the counter.

“Yeah…” he said, standing in between her legs, his mouth dropping to her neck. She rolled her head back, giving him better access as he nipped at her pulse-point, before his lips moved to that hollow at the bottom of her throat, his beard scratching her skin. She let out a soft sigh as he smirked a little, her legs hooking around his waist to pull him closer.

“Want something baby girl?” he asked and she let out a groan at his words.

“Yeah, you…” she said, shamelessly.

“Well we all know that you always get what you want, brat…” he muttered, his lips sliding up to hers and he kissed her hard, his tongue sliding against hers as his hands moved to pop the button on her denim shots before he gently grasped at the waistband and she shifted to allow him to pull them down over her legs, tossing them to one side. His hands slip up underneath the t-shirt she was wearing, pulling down one side of her bra, his hands gently teasing at her nipple, all the time listening to the soft noises and groans she was making as he continued, his nose brushing against hers, smiling softly.

“You like that?” he whispered, knowing full well that she did, but he knew she liked his soft dirty talk and she gave a sigh and a nod, followed by a little squeak as he pushed two fingers insider her.

Her head fell forward onto his shoulder as her hands grasped at his back through his T-shirt, and as he continued to stroke and coax her she bit down on his neck causing him to hiss slightly at the bite of pain.

“Need you…” she purred into his ear “Please.”

And when she asked like that, he was always powerless to refuse. This woman was his absolute weakness.

He moved his head to kiss her again, and removing his hand from her panties he reached up and pulled them down before he stood up, and she reached for his belt, opening it easily and quickly before doing the same to the button and zip on his jeans. She pushed them down, over his hips as Steve’s hands moved to her back and he gently pulled her forwards, sliding her towards him, letting her feel how ready he was. She reached down and gently gave his hard cock a pump up and down and he let out a groan as he pulled her off the counter slightly, her legs wrapping around his waist, arms round his neck, her lower back resting against the side of the worktop both of them letting out a load moan of satisfaction as he pushed forward, all the way home.

Steve’s head dropped to Katie’s shoulder, his mouth once more on the pulse point in her neck as he thrust again, his hands on her back, keeping her supported slightly

“God you feel so good…” he said, his lips moving back to hers as he set a pace that was torturously slow, and deep, and loving. Thrust after thrust he kept his lips either on hers or centimetres away, watching her intently as her pupils blew as he worked her up, driving into her, as deep as he could go, one hand resting at the back of her spine to keep her back from slamming into the harsh marble edge of the counter, the other guiding her head so he could kiss her, hard.

Her hands moved, the nails scraping lightly at the nape of his neck, and Steve felt himself falter for a split second at her touch.  

“Fuck doll…” he groaned into her mouth as she grinned cheekily, her hands sliding down to his bare ass as she urged him on, desperate for him to pick up the pace. So be obliged, giving her what she wanted.

Because he always did.

She held on to his ass for dear life, moaning with her body arching in his hands, the fabric of his jeans chafed delectably against her thighs, the belt buckle hitting her hard with every thrust and before long she let out a loud groan, her hands tightening on his skin as she cried out as he quickened his pace even more, causing her to gasp his name, a broken mumble of the word “Stevie…” before she let out a breathless gasp, her voice catching in her throat as the world began to tip on its axis.

“Come on, come for me doll…” he whispered, his breath hot on her ear. And that was it, she dropped over the edge, her head falling back as her hands slid up and grasped tightly on the hem of his shirt as she clenched around him, again and again, groaning and trembling, powerless to stop her body’s reactions. It took him another couple of thrusts before he gave a soft “oh” of pleasure, her name tumbled from his mouth before he bit down on her shoulder softly, reacting his own end. He gave a few erratic thrusts, pumping with short, deep strokes which sent Katie over another peak, but this was feeble as she collapsed forward, her head laying on his shoulder, utterly spent.

They stayed still for a moment, the only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock on the wall as Steve gently held his wife to him, as they both evened out from their high.

“Love you…” she said softly, kissing the tip of his nose causing him to smile, that cheeky smile he saved just for her before his lips met hers again

“Good, because I love you too pretty girl, more than you could ever know.”

***** If he was honest, Steve had forgotten all about Katie’s appointment until just after lunch, when he ushered his students into the seminar room and smiled at one of them, a small, slight red head, also called Katie. With a quick curse at himself, he fired his wife a text telling her to call him when she’d been seen, and that he loved her, before he closed the door and sat down in his chair and began to talk the group through the notes from the lecture before he invited them to discuss the subject of Money, impressionism and the understanding how the juxta positioning of colours against one another reflected the effects of light on objects.

Katie didn’t reply, other than to say that she was ok, the appointment had been fine and that Happy was on his way to collect the kids to take them to Pepper’s for the weekend. He’d said goodbye to them this morning, the 3 of them not in the slightest bit bothered they wouldn’t see him until Sunday, which was always something that slightly peeved him a little, but also made him glad that they had a good time with the Auntie and Cousin whilst they were at the lake house. It was important to him, and Katie, that their kids kept a good relationship with Pepper and Morgan, as they’d all be so close before Tony had died, so once a month all their kids headed up there, and then 2 weeks later Morgan would spend the weekend with them.

Steve drove the relatively short distance home and walked into the house, finding Katie at the kitchen table, face-timing Emmy and Brooke. He dropped a kiss to her cheek and waved at his eldest and he best friend, joining in the chat until they declared they had to get ready for the next round of partying and bid them both goodbye. Katie dropped the phone to the table as Steve stood up and retrieved a beer from the fridge. Katie waved off his offer and ran her hands over her face, a tired expression on her features as she stood up.

“Hey, you ok?” he asked, a little concerned as he flipped the lid off his beer. “Yeah…” she nodded, her eyes flickering to the white bag on the table which bore the Pharmacy logo on the front.

“I take it the Doctors gave you something then, for the…” he said, nodding towards it, taking a drink from the bottle. “It’s not the menopause.” she cut him off, shaking her head.

Steve frowned, “It’s not.” “No, I err…” she swallowed and looked at him “Steve, you might wanna sit down.”

“Are you sick?” Steve frowned, ignoring her instruction, his mind flying all over the place. That was his worst nightmare; that she got sick and it was serious, meaning she’d end up leaving him and the kids behind…

“Steve…” “Baby you’re worrying me…”

“I’m pregnant.” she blurted out.

The bottle Steve was holding slipped from his hand and landed on the tiles, shattering at his feet, showering the bottoms of his trousers in beer but he paid it no attention. Instead, he blinked, his wife’s words echoing around his head.

“Pregnant…” he whispered. “How, I mean…you’re on the pill…”

Katie shrugged “It can happen, apparently, and of course it would happen to us…”

Steve looked at her as she stood, her eyes locked onto his. They had certainly not planned this, one iota. Harry was meant to be their last, their little “one more” as they’d put it. But here they were, with another “one more” on the way.

“I…” Steve was struggling to find his words. “Honey…this…I…shit…”

“You know I expect this one…” she pointed to her belly “To be more articulate than you’re being right now when they’re two…”

He looked at her, blinked and then his face split into a huge grin and he pulled her to him, pressing his lips to hers in an excited kiss. “Oh my baby momma…” he pulled back, his hands cupping her face as she smiled up at him and he grinned cheekily “I got you pregnant 4 times…”

“Yeah, now I come to think of it the plants in the hallway are withering a little. Maybe you can go jerk off in the pots, bring them back to life.” she quipped.

“I’d rather fuck you if it’s all the same…” he grinned, reaching down and grabbing the back of her thighs, hauling her up against him as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Take me to bed Soldier” she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and not one who needed asking twice, Steve kissed her again before he backed them out of the kitchen.

N/B SURPRISE MOFOS…BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!! Baby Rogers no 5 is on the way!!!!!

@the-omni-princess​  @momobaby227​ @geekofmanythings16​ @angelofhell-666​ @thewackywriter​ @marvelfansworld​​  @cobalt-gear​  @asgardlover75​ @jennmurawski13​​​  @jtargaryen18​​ @saiyanprincessswanie​​  @navispalace​​ @patzammit​​  @joannaliceevans-fanficblog​​  @icanfeelastormbrewing​​ @djeniiscorner​​  @ayamenimthiriel​​  @coldmuffinbanditshoe​​  @disneylovingal​​ @official-and-unstable-satan​ @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​  @anika-ann​

[kurtwarren54]

IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

As I sit here typing the words, “I am pregnant!” it’s words we have been dreaming about for almost a full year now. Literally working toward each month. For a year. My heart can’t stop smiling thinking about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as the tears continue to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of past heartbreak. All of it. I have shared a lot of my past infertility journey that brought us to Otis (which you can read about here) and I am committed to sharing our story with you as we experience it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to be able to diary as I have experienced it. Also, please be kind if I go in and out of tense as some of this was written in the moment and some of it after the fact. BEAR WITH ME. 

This Frozen Embryo Transfer was likely the most important of all of them. It was our last frozen embryo we had in storage. And our last try for a baby. The weight of that was suffocating. After previously going through 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I was left with 3 frozen embabies. Our precious little babies. Of course there are always options to keep going but I am of course already 37 years old and I STRUGGLED to get healthy embryos from my retrievals since my egg quality was pretty poor. I was also unsure if I was willing to undergo the whole egg retrieval process again but this now brought all those thoughts up. What if my last transfer doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So looking into our last chance with our last embryo had a lot of weight to it. After looking at our past failed cycles with our doctor, she had an idea to do something completely different. This both excited me and completely TERRIFIED me. But at this point, we really needed to throw it all on the line to put our best foot forward. I trust my doctor so I was willing to go down a new path. I think it’s always important to mix things up because you never know what your recipe for success will be. She wanted to try a “Natural FET cycle” meaning that we would supplement less with synthetic hormones and instead, let my body lead the way naturally and then only supplement with less hormones closer to embryo transfer. Since I have had issues getting a thicker lining with all the synthetic hormones, we were curious to see how my body does completely on it’s own. So the goal would be, track my natural cycle in a “mock” cycle where we were only doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to gather information and track my cycle. No embryo transfer. Just tracking for research. I was IN. 

Tracking my Natural Cycle

The process would be, wait till cycle day 3 of my period and come in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at home ovulation kits to track my ovulation at home as well as come in for multiple scans to see how my eggs were growing and tracking it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we found that my lining naturally looked FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Basically  my lining looked the best it ever had and I was almost upset this was a mock cycle and not a real one. That is how good my lining looked. After we confirmed ovulation with both my at home kits, and ultrasound and blood work, doctor also confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a little low after ovulation so that is where we want to supplement a little more in our real cycle. Good to know! Also, we were excited to decide we would lock into a natural FET cycle and we were doing this!!! Of course we also tried naturally that month to get pregnant and of course it didn’t happen. So we were on our way to our Natural FET cycle with my next period.

Natural Cycle FET

I started my cycle on the 3rd day of my period and came in for a baseline check. The did an ultrasound to make sure I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to check my hormone levels. The plan was to do at home ovulation kits and wait for high and peak results. The kits I use first tell you when your levels are HIGH and then tell you when it’s PEAK which is right before ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks until I went in again just for a check. Things were actually looking farther along than last cycle so we did more blood work and she suspected I would be getting close so I would come back in 2 days. In 2 days, my body was READY! Those eggs were growing perfectly and when we checked my hormones I was ready to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I was expecting to have a much longer cycle again but this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to confirm but that night I did my trigger shot! The trigger shot would confirm my exact embryo transfer timing. My lining was the best it’s ever looked! It looked “lush and juicy” in the words of my doctor and she was so excited about how great it looked that she printed me out a photo. I had that good trilaminar appearance to it as well which is all very positive. Things were looking amazing for my natural cycle and I was excited the doctor was as hyped as I was about it. I knew that if things didn’t look great, we could always cancel and try again but we were doing this!!

One week before I did my trigger injection which would trigger ovulation and set the wheels into motion for my embryo transfer. I started my progesterone 5 days before transfer and my other meds 3 days before. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night. I literally forgot how horrible those suppositories are. Basically it’s a compounded version of progesterone that looks like an oversized pill that you shove up your lady parts at night. But the aftermath is that is oozes out kind of slowly over time. Sorry TMI but damn they are GROSS. They just really end up making me feel very uncomfortable and I much prefer the injections which I know sounds INSANE. I started WAY less other hormones 3 days before. 2 estrogen patches and then my normal protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, baby aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was finished I would start my prednisone. So all the meds were mostly the same as my medicated cycles in the past but just a lot less of them since we were working with my own body’s goods.

We did one last appointment on Friday before my Monday transfer to make sure all my hormones were looking good and that lining was also looking good. I think my nerves were running high. The appointment went great and everything looked ready. Hormones and lining looked good. I got to the checkout desk and was scheduling my pregnancy blood drawl test and 2 of my nurses came over to wish me luck at my transfer. I lost it. I feel awful to have been crying at the desk as I am sure anyone in the waiting room could hear me. But wow. The gravity of everything was hitting me. I desperately needed this to work. It was our last precious embryo and I was a hot mess of emotion. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling so good and positive, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t FEELING. Just such a vulnerable moment. Losing your shit. In public. But damn, infertility is hard as fuck. It’s really fucking hard. And going to battle and being knocked down every time takes its toll. I left the office tissues in hand. When I got to my car, I decided to change the script. Yes we had 1 more chance but that 1 chance is a blessing.

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was bigger waking up. I was more hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to start my day and move a step closer to expanding our family. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid times, is a big deal. I wanted to feel good. Look good. Be the light I needed this day. 

Blake, Otis and I packed up to leave. Because of Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my transfer but he would drop me off and be there waiting. As I was getting in the car, I noticed 3 morning doves walking through our garden. It was the sign I needed that morning. Third time’s the charm. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Despite the fact that destructive fires were raging through my part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her home and it smelled horribly of smoke even outside of our own home, I was positive. Nothing was going to ruin this day for me.

When I got to the clinic, it was business as usual. Take my valium and I filled out all my forms etc and before I knew it I was back in the room getting ready. I always play music on my phone and this time I put on my Summer Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist came in, shared good news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our last normal embryo. My doctor came in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and a few quick minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the screen happen via ultrasound is truly a sureal experience. And just like that, we did it. I had my lucky socks on keeping me cozy and I also brought a few ribbons with me from a gift as a good luck charm. Channeling hope and love through every moment. I had asked Blake if he could give me an affirmation each day after my transfer to keep my spirits high and keep my hopeful heart in the right direction. I didn’t know he was going to give me something on the day of my transfer but before I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I got to open it as I sat alone waiting for the doctors and nurses to come in. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” <3, Blake + Otis Never underestimate the power of a small gesture to make someone’s heart just so happy. Blake picked me up and we drove home to for me to get cozy in bed, eat my lunch, and take a much needed nap. Since I take valium to relax me before my procedure, I always need a good nap that day to sleep everything off.

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

This time period is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my transfer that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG levels and find out if I got pregnant from my transfer. So let’s start from the beginning of those 10 days.

My first 3 days (including transfer day) were bed/couch rest. So basically hang in bed, have Blake bring me all my meals and snacks and just BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. In order to prepare for this and make it easier for Blake, who took time off of work to watch and care for myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and planned some of my favorite meals to enjoy during this time. Also a tradition on transfer day for me is to enjoy a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in bed while I watch Father of the Bride. I do this every time. It’s just part of my “happy” process. We had to keep my door closed since bed rest and a toddler don’t mix. Of course Otis and Blake could come in to say hi every once in a while, but the important thing was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in bed, took some naps, and thought positive thoughts. I also facetimed Otis for every meal so I felt part of the family even stuck in bed. Love that technology could keep us together at meal time. This also made me happy to see Otis’ sweet face.

On day 4, I was allowed to resume normal activity as long as I refrained from any strenuous and no working out at all. Also, no lifting my toddler. That one is difficult! But I am so thankful to have Blake working from home to help me lift him in and out of his crib during this time. So we took things easy, and kept myself busy hanging with Otis daily and waiting. 

During the 2ww I was also tracking my body like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Were these signs of pregnancy? Were these signs of my period? Anyone that endures the 2WW becomes obsessed with any small symptoms they might detect and wonder WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I am telling you, it’s maddening. The problem is, with each transfer, all the symptoms are almost identical for pregnancy OR getting your period. Seriously. It’s a mind fuck excuse my French but it is. And comparing my symptoms to my last 2 failed FET, they were similar. So how was I supposed to know if it was good or bad? There was just no way to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Basically all the symptoms all week. I started those 10 days mellow and cool as a cucumber but as the days passed by… the anxiety started to rise.

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

As I sit here on Nov 4th, my anxiety level is at an all time high with the election still lingering with no clear cut winner and a pregnancy test lingering. Chalk it up to massive PTSD but wow the nerves are hitting me today. I know what is done is done, and I know my results will share just that. But this time, it’s all on the line. As the day went on the anxiety rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I needed that release. Later in the day after dinner, I went to the bathroom and I swear when I wiped, I had a slight light pink streak. I freaked out. Could this be my period??? We were getting Otis ready for bed and I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him and Blake to come into the room and I just broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I said to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I think in this moment I realized that while my level of optimism was high, there was still 2 possible outcomes… and now I was freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too but damn guys. I just lost it. While the 2WW is always an excruciating time for people going through fertility treatment, the day before blood test was high up in the worst days ever. After we got Otis down for bed, we binged some 90 Day Fiance before the 90 days to get our minds off the baby topic. And then tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I have the Hatch Restore and it’s been a great part of my daily routine. You can select custom meditations to play before bed and then play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a good intention for me before bedtime. Setting my mind in the right space has been such an important thing to focus on throughout this experience.

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

I think Blake and I barely slept the night leading to my blood work. I woke up and got ready to go and made sure to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork without doing a HPT (home pregnancy test) because I do not want to find out blind from a phone call if I don’t have to. So I peed in the cup and left. Right when I leave the door, Blake does the pregnancy test for me. He is a GOOD man. So thankful he does this for me. I do this so that we have results but I don’t know until after my blood work so that I am in good spirits at the doctors office. I headed in for my quick blood drawl and I was back into my car eagerly texting Blake. Because of the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Negative?” and he texted me, “Are you sure you wanna know?” and I said yes. “You are PREGNANT!” I swear when I read it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I immediately video chatted with Blake while uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I was in complete shock. Blake asked, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seriously took me some time to calm down. It was literally unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and 2 failed transfers…. I finally got a positive home pregnancy test. It was a fucking miracle. Now to wait for the actual blood results.

The nurse called me later in the day to share the good news and I was just so relieved not to get that familiar phone call from my doctor. The PTSD is so real when it comes to every part of this process. My levels looked GREAT and I would come back in 2 days to make sure my beta HCG levels were going up. My levels 2 days later looked great again. It was official!!!! I would go in next week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this point, we had our trip to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the perfect midweek time to literally celebrate our new found news together as a family. But also gave us so much excitement to know after our short trip, I would come home to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Leading up to each milestone is like a wave of anxiety following with you. Of course I am hopeful, happy, excited but when you have this many problems getting pregnant, I forgot just how much anxiety I had leading up to each weekly appointment. Being in such a pattern of heartbreak and disappointment you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the doctor said, “There it is! Right where I left it!” I breathed a sigh of relief as we looked at the little circle that was our baby on the ultrasound machine. She explained that my appointment for 6 weeks we MIGHT be able to hear the heartbeat but to not freak out if we didn’t because we still had our 7 week appointment to hear it. So now we just waited for the next week. I still am continuing all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches changed every other day, and my daily anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and baby aspirin).

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

At this appointment I got to see the flickering of the heart!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound yet to detect but it was a great sign to physically see the heartbeat. At the start of 6 weeks is when my extreme nausea began. It was much worse than my pregnancy with Otis. I started diclegis (2 pills at night) to help combat my nausea and help me to function as a mom to a toddler. 

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to experience. An exciting week for growth. Another positive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I was starting to finally feel a bit better. The meds definitely took time to kick in for me. It was not immediate relief.

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

The nausea seemed to be creeping back late afternoon and just was not feeling great from afternoon to dinner time. I lost my appetite at night and it was hard to really get down any dinner. Lots of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even despite being on the diclegis at night. But starting 10 weeks and 2 days I started to feel alot better again.

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Starting to finally feel better overall. But WOW. Massive exhaustion and just feeling so tired all of a sudden. Zero energy. Blake also said, “you look tired” so there is that. HA! Scan looked good and growth is on track!

We also did our genetic testing blood work that looks for genetic disorders as well as can signify gender (even though we already know) and will await those results. The nice thing is we already know we have a healthy genetically tested embryo but to be thorough we alway do this blood work regardless. And as always, each step is still nerve wracking as we move forward. 

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Our little one is really starting to look like a baby on the ultrasound!!! Funny how things grow so quickly each week and really start to transform. Everything is looking great and finally weaning down meds again. VERY exciting. 

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

I was feeling pretty good overall and not sick. But still very tired as the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I started to get a hormonal headache which lasted for 2 days. Luckily it passed quickly and is likely due to the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping certain meds etc. I do have the occasional nausea at night so I make sure to be having smaller meals as well as some protein snacks throughout the day to try to curb the nausea if I can. 

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Because of the way the holidays fell this year (both Christmas and New Years) I was able to do my 12 week with my Gyno and then do my Fertility clinic 12 week the following week. I hope to be able to graduate next week from my fertility clinic but time will tell. Or should I say, my bloodwork will tell.

At my appointment I had a lengthy ultrasound to see baby. GUYS!!!! The tech said the baby was so accommodating and was literally showing off the most perfect little angles for photos. She was able to get some really cool 3d renderings of baby that you see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! Everything looked great. Heartbeat is great. All great! I next met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my doctor on my first appointment, and went over some basics and then I was on my way to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment. 

In terms of how I am feeling, let me tell you the nausea is creeping right back at night so around dinner time to bedtime I am kind of feeling miserable again. But I know that soon enough things will level out and I should be feeling much better over all again. I am so glad to still be taking the diclegis or I would REALLY feel like crap. Thank you modern medicine. Regardless of feeling crappy, I know it’s all for a good cause so you won’t find me complaining… that often

What’s Happening Now

We obviously have a long road ahead of us and many milestones to achieve with our precious little baby. I feel each week, you look at the next and think, “Wow! I will feel much better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you will feel better and more confident the NEXT week. So many nerves when it comes to pregnancy at least for us around here. What I can say is we are so hopeful and with every week our hearts just grow bigger as the baby grows. Because of my appointments falling over the holidays, I have my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic next week a little bit late and we are HOPEFULLY it will be my graduation day!! Hopefully all my levels look great when we do my bloodwork and I can finally stop all my medications. My fingers will be crossed for that moment. I told my doctor I will be happy when I never have to see her again. HA! I know that sounds mean but she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her office works through the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say enough good things about them if you are on the hunt for a doctor. Also have seen Dr. Sachdev there many times who is equally lovely.

To have gone through all of this infertility journey during normal times would have been excruciating and add in a global pandemic, thanks to Covid-19, it added an extra layer of complexity to everything. To think of all the women, going to their appointments alone, going through procedures alone… it just breaks my heart. Especially those going through it for their first time. These times and these struggles have only confirmed something I have found out through having Otis: That I have more courage than I could have ever thought possible. This process has almost been more excruciating knowing what a light and joy it has been to be a mother to Otis. It’s hurt extra hard knowing that we may never be able to give Otis a sibling. To be given the joy and privilege of being a mother the first time was my biggest dream come true. And to be given that opportunity again, I am just crying tears of joy. Over. and Over. And over again. It still feels sureal to think we are on the other side of this. Everyday I wake up and go to bed, looking at the ultrasound photo next to my bed, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I still have hanging on a string on my wall. And the photo of our precious embryo and the photo of our actual transfer. Everyday I count my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will become a big brother. And for that, Blake and I will never stop smiling. 

I know how triggering a pregnancy announcement can be to those still struggling through their infertility or trying to get pregnant naturally. But know that miracles happen. And that most of all, when it might seem the darkest, hope remains. I hope through hearing our story, you know you are not alone going through infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable but the rainbow is always worth the struggle. My heart is with you all.

Otis pajamas in these photos are from my collaboration with Clover baby & Kids. It’s obviously VERY special since both Otis and our future little baby will be our little rainbows of joy. You bet I have ever size in there for when baby #2 comes to join us. You can use code: OTIS for 20% off most items if you want to celebrate your own little rainbow baby with me. Shop here.

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[elizabethcariasa]

IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

As I sit here typing the words, “I am pregnant!” it’s words we have been dreaming about for almost a full year now. Literally working toward each month. For a year. My heart can’t stop smiling thinking about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as the tears continue to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of past heartbreak. All of it. I have shared a lot of my past infertility journey that brought us to Otis (which you can read about here) and I am committed to sharing our story with you as we experience it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to be able to diary as I have experienced it. Also, please be kind if I go in and out of tense as some of this was written in the moment and some of it after the fact. BEAR WITH ME. 

This Frozen Embryo Transfer was likely the most important of all of them. It was our last frozen embryo we had in storage. And our last try for a baby. The weight of that was suffocating. After previously going through 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I was left with 3 frozen embabies. Our precious little babies. Of course there are always options to keep going but I am of course already 37 years old and I STRUGGLED to get healthy embryos from my retrievals since my egg quality was pretty poor. I was also unsure if I was willing to undergo the whole egg retrieval process again but this now brought all those thoughts up. What if my last transfer doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So looking into our last chance with our last embryo had a lot of weight to it. After looking at our past failed cycles with our doctor, she had an idea to do something completely different. This both excited me and completely TERRIFIED me. But at this point, we really needed to throw it all on the line to put our best foot forward. I trust my doctor so I was willing to go down a new path. I think it’s always important to mix things up because you never know what your recipe for success will be. She wanted to try a “Natural FET cycle” meaning that we would supplement less with synthetic hormones and instead, let my body lead the way naturally and then only supplement with less hormones closer to embryo transfer. Since I have had issues getting a thicker lining with all the synthetic hormones, we were curious to see how my body does completely on it’s own. So the goal would be, track my natural cycle in a “mock” cycle where we were only doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to gather information and track my cycle. No embryo transfer. Just tracking for research. I was IN. 

Tracking my Natural Cycle

The process would be, wait till cycle day 3 of my period and come in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at home ovulation kits to track my ovulation at home as well as come in for multiple scans to see how my eggs were growing and tracking it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we found that my lining naturally looked FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Basically  my lining looked the best it ever had and I was almost upset this was a mock cycle and not a real one. That is how good my lining looked. After we confirmed ovulation with both my at home kits, and ultrasound and blood work, doctor also confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a little low after ovulation so that is where we want to supplement a little more in our real cycle. Good to know! Also, we were excited to decide we would lock into a natural FET cycle and we were doing this!!! Of course we also tried naturally that month to get pregnant and of course it didn’t happen. So we were on our way to our Natural FET cycle with my next period.

Natural Cycle FET

I started my cycle on the 3rd day of my period and came in for a baseline check. The did an ultrasound to make sure I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to check my hormone levels. The plan was to do at home ovulation kits and wait for high and peak results. The kits I use first tell you when your levels are HIGH and then tell you when it’s PEAK which is right before ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks until I went in again just for a check. Things were actually looking farther along than last cycle so we did more blood work and she suspected I would be getting close so I would come back in 2 days. In 2 days, my body was READY! Those eggs were growing perfectly and when we checked my hormones I was ready to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I was expecting to have a much longer cycle again but this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to confirm but that night I did my trigger shot! The trigger shot would confirm my exact embryo transfer timing. My lining was the best it’s ever looked! It looked “lush and juicy” in the words of my doctor and she was so excited about how great it looked that she printed me out a photo. I had that good trilaminar appearance to it as well which is all very positive. Things were looking amazing for my natural cycle and I was excited the doctor was as hyped as I was about it. I knew that if things didn’t look great, we could always cancel and try again but we were doing this!!

One week before I did my trigger injection which would trigger ovulation and set the wheels into motion for my embryo transfer. I started my progesterone 5 days before transfer and my other meds 3 days before. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night. I literally forgot how horrible those suppositories are. Basically it’s a compounded version of progesterone that looks like an oversized pill that you shove up your lady parts at night. But the aftermath is that is oozes out kind of slowly over time. Sorry TMI but damn they are GROSS. They just really end up making me feel very uncomfortable and I much prefer the injections which I know sounds INSANE. I started WAY less other hormones 3 days before. 2 estrogen patches and then my normal protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, baby aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was finished I would start my prednisone. So all the meds were mostly the same as my medicated cycles in the past but just a lot less of them since we were working with my own body’s goods.

We did one last appointment on Friday before my Monday transfer to make sure all my hormones were looking good and that lining was also looking good. I think my nerves were running high. The appointment went great and everything looked ready. Hormones and lining looked good. I got to the checkout desk and was scheduling my pregnancy blood drawl test and 2 of my nurses came over to wish me luck at my transfer. I lost it. I feel awful to have been crying at the desk as I am sure anyone in the waiting room could hear me. But wow. The gravity of everything was hitting me. I desperately needed this to work. It was our last precious embryo and I was a hot mess of emotion. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling so good and positive, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t FEELING. Just such a vulnerable moment. Losing your shit. In public. But damn, infertility is hard as fuck. It’s really fucking hard. And going to battle and being knocked down every time takes its toll. I left the office tissues in hand. When I got to my car, I decided to change the script. Yes we had 1 more chance but that 1 chance is a blessing.

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was bigger waking up. I was more hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to start my day and move a step closer to expanding our family. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid times, is a big deal. I wanted to feel good. Look good. Be the light I needed this day. 

Blake, Otis and I packed up to leave. Because of Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my transfer but he would drop me off and be there waiting. As I was getting in the car, I noticed 3 morning doves walking through our garden. It was the sign I needed that morning. Third time’s the charm. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Despite the fact that destructive fires were raging through my part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her home and it smelled horribly of smoke even outside of our own home, I was positive. Nothing was going to ruin this day for me.

When I got to the clinic, it was business as usual. Take my valium and I filled out all my forms etc and before I knew it I was back in the room getting ready. I always play music on my phone and this time I put on my Summer Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist came in, shared good news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our last normal embryo. My doctor came in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and a few quick minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the screen happen via ultrasound is truly a sureal experience. And just like that, we did it. I had my lucky socks on keeping me cozy and I also brought a few ribbons with me from a gift as a good luck charm. Channeling hope and love through every moment. I had asked Blake if he could give me an affirmation each day after my transfer to keep my spirits high and keep my hopeful heart in the right direction. I didn’t know he was going to give me something on the day of my transfer but before I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I got to open it as I sat alone waiting for the doctors and nurses to come in. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” <3, Blake + Otis Never underestimate the power of a small gesture to make someone’s heart just so happy. Blake picked me up and we drove home to for me to get cozy in bed, eat my lunch, and take a much needed nap. Since I take valium to relax me before my procedure, I always need a good nap that day to sleep everything off.

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

This time period is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my transfer that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG levels and find out if I got pregnant from my transfer. So let’s start from the beginning of those 10 days.

My first 3 days (including transfer day) were bed/couch rest. So basically hang in bed, have Blake bring me all my meals and snacks and just BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. In order to prepare for this and make it easier for Blake, who took time off of work to watch and care for myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and planned some of my favorite meals to enjoy during this time. Also a tradition on transfer day for me is to enjoy a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in bed while I watch Father of the Bride. I do this every time. It’s just part of my “happy” process. We had to keep my door closed since bed rest and a toddler don’t mix. Of course Otis and Blake could come in to say hi every once in a while, but the important thing was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in bed, took some naps, and thought positive thoughts. I also facetimed Otis for every meal so I felt part of the family even stuck in bed. Love that technology could keep us together at meal time. This also made me happy to see Otis’ sweet face.

On day 4, I was allowed to resume normal activity as long as I refrained from any strenuous and no working out at all. Also, no lifting my toddler. That one is difficult! But I am so thankful to have Blake working from home to help me lift him in and out of his crib during this time. So we took things easy, and kept myself busy hanging with Otis daily and waiting. 

During the 2ww I was also tracking my body like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Were these signs of pregnancy? Were these signs of my period? Anyone that endures the 2WW becomes obsessed with any small symptoms they might detect and wonder WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I am telling you, it’s maddening. The problem is, with each transfer, all the symptoms are almost identical for pregnancy OR getting your period. Seriously. It’s a mind fuck excuse my French but it is. And comparing my symptoms to my last 2 failed FET, they were similar. So how was I supposed to know if it was good or bad? There was just no way to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Basically all the symptoms all week. I started those 10 days mellow and cool as a cucumber but as the days passed by… the anxiety started to rise.

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

As I sit here on Nov 4th, my anxiety level is at an all time high with the election still lingering with no clear cut winner and a pregnancy test lingering. Chalk it up to massive PTSD but wow the nerves are hitting me today. I know what is done is done, and I know my results will share just that. But this time, it’s all on the line. As the day went on the anxiety rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I needed that release. Later in the day after dinner, I went to the bathroom and I swear when I wiped, I had a slight light pink streak. I freaked out. Could this be my period??? We were getting Otis ready for bed and I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him and Blake to come into the room and I just broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I said to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I think in this moment I realized that while my level of optimism was high, there was still 2 possible outcomes… and now I was freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too but damn guys. I just lost it. While the 2WW is always an excruciating time for people going through fertility treatment, the day before blood test was high up in the worst days ever. After we got Otis down for bed, we binged some 90 Day Fiance before the 90 days to get our minds off the baby topic. And then tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I have the Hatch Restore and it’s been a great part of my daily routine. You can select custom meditations to play before bed and then play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a good intention for me before bedtime. Setting my mind in the right space has been such an important thing to focus on throughout this experience.

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

I think Blake and I barely slept the night leading to my blood work. I woke up and got ready to go and made sure to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork without doing a HPT (home pregnancy test) because I do not want to find out blind from a phone call if I don’t have to. So I peed in the cup and left. Right when I leave the door, Blake does the pregnancy test for me. He is a GOOD man. So thankful he does this for me. I do this so that we have results but I don’t know until after my blood work so that I am in good spirits at the doctors office. I headed in for my quick blood drawl and I was back into my car eagerly texting Blake. Because of the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Negative?” and he texted me, “Are you sure you wanna know?” and I said yes. “You are PREGNANT!” I swear when I read it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I immediately video chatted with Blake while uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I was in complete shock. Blake asked, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seriously took me some time to calm down. It was literally unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and 2 failed transfers…. I finally got a positive home pregnancy test. It was a fucking miracle. Now to wait for the actual blood results.

The nurse called me later in the day to share the good news and I was just so relieved not to get that familiar phone call from my doctor. The PTSD is so real when it comes to every part of this process. My levels looked GREAT and I would come back in 2 days to make sure my beta HCG levels were going up. My levels 2 days later looked great again. It was official!!!! I would go in next week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this point, we had our trip to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the perfect midweek time to literally celebrate our new found news together as a family. But also gave us so much excitement to know after our short trip, I would come home to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Leading up to each milestone is like a wave of anxiety following with you. Of course I am hopeful, happy, excited but when you have this many problems getting pregnant, I forgot just how much anxiety I had leading up to each weekly appointment. Being in such a pattern of heartbreak and disappointment you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the doctor said, “There it is! Right where I left it!” I breathed a sigh of relief as we looked at the little circle that was our baby on the ultrasound machine. She explained that my appointment for 6 weeks we MIGHT be able to hear the heartbeat but to not freak out if we didn’t because we still had our 7 week appointment to hear it. So now we just waited for the next week. I still am continuing all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches changed every other day, and my daily anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and baby aspirin).

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

At this appointment I got to see the flickering of the heart!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound yet to detect but it was a great sign to physically see the heartbeat. At the start of 6 weeks is when my extreme nausea began. It was much worse than my pregnancy with Otis. I started diclegis (2 pills at night) to help combat my nausea and help me to function as a mom to a toddler. 

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to experience. An exciting week for growth. Another positive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I was starting to finally feel a bit better. The meds definitely took time to kick in for me. It was not immediate relief.

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

The nausea seemed to be creeping back late afternoon and just was not feeling great from afternoon to dinner time. I lost my appetite at night and it was hard to really get down any dinner. Lots of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even despite being on the diclegis at night. But starting 10 weeks and 2 days I started to feel alot better again.

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Starting to finally feel better overall. But WOW. Massive exhaustion and just feeling so tired all of a sudden. Zero energy. Blake also said, “you look tired” so there is that. HA! Scan looked good and growth is on track!

We also did our genetic testing blood work that looks for genetic disorders as well as can signify gender (even though we already know) and will await those results. The nice thing is we already know we have a healthy genetically tested embryo but to be thorough we alway do this blood work regardless. And as always, each step is still nerve wracking as we move forward. 

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Our little one is really starting to look like a baby on the ultrasound!!! Funny how things grow so quickly each week and really start to transform. Everything is looking great and finally weaning down meds again. VERY exciting. 

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

I was feeling pretty good overall and not sick. But still very tired as the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I started to get a hormonal headache which lasted for 2 days. Luckily it passed quickly and is likely due to the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping certain meds etc. I do have the occasional nausea at night so I make sure to be having smaller meals as well as some protein snacks throughout the day to try to curb the nausea if I can. 

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Because of the way the holidays fell this year (both Christmas and New Years) I was able to do my 12 week with my Gyno and then do my Fertility clinic 12 week the following week. I hope to be able to graduate next week from my fertility clinic but time will tell. Or should I say, my bloodwork will tell.

At my appointment I had a lengthy ultrasound to see baby. GUYS!!!! The tech said the baby was so accommodating and was literally showing off the most perfect little angles for photos. She was able to get some really cool 3d renderings of baby that you see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! Everything looked great. Heartbeat is great. All great! I next met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my doctor on my first appointment, and went over some basics and then I was on my way to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment. 

In terms of how I am feeling, let me tell you the nausea is creeping right back at night so around dinner time to bedtime I am kind of feeling miserable again. But I know that soon enough things will level out and I should be feeling much better over all again. I am so glad to still be taking the diclegis or I would REALLY feel like crap. Thank you modern medicine. Regardless of feeling crappy, I know it’s all for a good cause so you won’t find me complaining… that often

What’s Happening Now

We obviously have a long road ahead of us and many milestones to achieve with our precious little baby. I feel each week, you look at the next and think, “Wow! I will feel much better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you will feel better and more confident the NEXT week. So many nerves when it comes to pregnancy at least for us around here. What I can say is we are so hopeful and with every week our hearts just grow bigger as the baby grows. Because of my appointments falling over the holidays, I have my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic next week a little bit late and we are HOPEFULLY it will be my graduation day!! Hopefully all my levels look great when we do my bloodwork and I can finally stop all my medications. My fingers will be crossed for that moment. I told my doctor I will be happy when I never have to see her again. HA! I know that sounds mean but she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her office works through the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say enough good things about them if you are on the hunt for a doctor. Also have seen Dr. Sachdev there many times who is equally lovely.

To have gone through all of this infertility journey during normal times would have been excruciating and add in a global pandemic, thanks to Covid-19, it added an extra layer of complexity to everything. To think of all the women, going to their appointments alone, going through procedures alone… it just breaks my heart. Especially those going through it for their first time. These times and these struggles have only confirmed something I have found out through having Otis: That I have more courage than I could have ever thought possible. This process has almost been more excruciating knowing what a light and joy it has been to be a mother to Otis. It’s hurt extra hard knowing that we may never be able to give Otis a sibling. To be given the joy and privilege of being a mother the first time was my biggest dream come true. And to be given that opportunity again, I am just crying tears of joy. Over. and Over. And over again. It still feels sureal to think we are on the other side of this. Everyday I wake up and go to bed, looking at the ultrasound photo next to my bed, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I still have hanging on a string on my wall. And the photo of our precious embryo and the photo of our actual transfer. Everyday I count my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will become a big brother. And for that, Blake and I will never stop smiling. 

I know how triggering a pregnancy announcement can be to those still struggling through their infertility or trying to get pregnant naturally. But know that miracles happen. And that most of all, when it might seem the darkest, hope remains. I hope through hearing our story, you know you are not alone going through infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable but the rainbow is always worth the struggle. My heart is with you all.

Otis pajamas in these photos are from my collaboration with Clover baby & Kids. It’s obviously VERY special since both Otis and our future little baby will be our little rainbows of joy. You bet I have ever size in there for when baby #2 comes to join us. You can use code: OTIS for 20% off most items if you want to celebrate your own little rainbow baby with me. Shop here.

The post IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT! appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

[julianmatthews-yt]

Trigger warnings: Talks of suicide, overdose, self harming, bulling, scars, beating, blood, violence, depression

Mun note: The way I envision this SP to play out like a documentary. Lots of cuts and photos. Light background music. So keep that in mind when reading this.*Italic a is voice over, over pictures or video. I’ll try my best to as detailed as I can.

The video opened up with Julian in his normal room like every other video he’s made but with not loud intro. “Hey guys, uhm....as you can tell this video is a lot different then all of my videos. I’ve always wanted to be every transparent with you guys. I’ve always be honest and open with you guys.....besides this one big thing in my life and that’s because......all of my life that’s that got me beatin up and attacked.” he paused for moment. “And I’m tired of being the victim...This video will explain it all and I hope it’ll help other.” The video faded out to black

Julian sat up on a stool in front of a backdrop. “This is very strange.” he said looking around. Pictures of his past started fading into view. Staring from the most current picture and going back; soft music playing in the background “My name is Julian Jackson Matthews. I was born on the 14th of February 27 years ago, 5 mins before my sister Kayla. I grew up in a smaller then small town and I have 2 beautiful kids. At this current moment I have almost 16 million subscribers on YouTube.” There was a pause as a picture for his and his sister’s first birthday came into view. Both of them wearing “Birthday Girl” hats. “And I am transgender..”

“I think from the moment I was able to have a real thought. Like real...awareness to myself is when I knew something was just not right with me.” “I think it was like 3 or 4 years old when I first fought my mother about wearing a dress.” He laughed. “I hated them. I hated that everything was pink in me room. I played with my brothers trucks and I kinda started tell me mum and dad that I was a boy. When I went in to preschool we were learning how to spell our names and I hated my name. So Kayla knew this and went to dance one day and met an older boy who’s name was Julian and that was just one more letter then Julia. So that’s now I decided I wanted to be called Julian. Because it was only one letter more and I didn’t have to learn now to spell a whole new bloody name.” He laughed. “Cause that’s how 5 year old minds work.” 

More pictures of a young Julian came up “My parents never exactly told me “No, you’re a girl.” or at least that I remember.” The green haired man shifted on the stool he sat on. “I was about 8 when my parents brought me to a therapist because at that point I’ve been consistent and I actually saved me head at that point. Which me mum was SOOO not happy about. That’s when I first heard the word Transgender and it like blew my mind. Because I thought something was wrong with me kinda. I knew I was born in the wrong body and this was something I could change. It would take a long time but I could change it. And that feeling was great so I burned every girly thing I could. Stole my brothers hand-me-downs and was happy! I started taking testosterone pills when it was about 12 or 13.....but I was becoming a “real boy”....but that’s also the time in life when kids get very mean....”

“Ever since I was very young kids would pick on me cause I was the girl who played with trucks and not doll but as I go older and my transition continued the worlds turned into fists. I’ll spare you the sob story of my life for now but from about 10 to now I’ve been constant beaten up for be transgender....and that is whats made me so fearful of the world. Because once people knew....they wanted to hurt me. Everyone I’ve ever told....besides Zac.”

It faded out to his twin sister “Everything good that happened to Julian happened when he needed it the most. YouTube, his kids, but most recent was getting a best friend that he always needed. Julian may not admit it and Zac probably doesn’t know it but he saved my brothers life the day he found him on the train. He honestly did....and I think just being there and being his best friend. Jules is just so much happier now having someone who knows him and accepts him and just loves him for the person he is.” Videos of Zac and Julian came up. From that one video he did to the random vlogs Julian did and Zac appeared in them. “Him and Zac are a very unlike pair but I think in a way they needed each other. He’s made Julian have a bit more of a back bone. Enough that I don’t think this video would have happened if it wasn’t for Zac.” Kayla smiled. “I don’t know what Zac as gotten from Julian but I like to think that everyone is just a little bit better for meeting him. Because when the world has shown him nothing but hatred for most of his life, he still does everything he can to be a good person and show kindness.” “Zac’s head his just gonna blow up from this.” Julian laughed. “Like....he’s cocky to start with. Lord knows what this is gonna do to him but yeah....when we met I called him a fuckwit and told him to fuck off and we’ve been friends ever since.” The man laughed shaking his head and he bit his lip. “I love him though...he’s more then my friend. He’s another brother. He’s my family....even if he doesn’t think of me that way. He’s still my family and someone I love and care for. Whenever he needs someone I’ll be there because he was there for me when I didn’t even know I needed him.”

“18 is the legal age to get a sex change operation and you be you ass I had it set for February 15th.” he laughed. I’ve been saving since I was 16 at that point because it’s a lot of money and....and growing up we didn’t have a lot of money. Like it was hard and I had to go without medication sometimes and I was old enough to get it but my body didn’t react well to the switch of hormones that happened sometime but I lived.” the scene cut from him on the stool to him standing in front of the back drop pacing. Kayla’s voice came from off camera, she spoke in Gaelic so the subtitles appeared on screen. “Are you okay?” “Yeah...” he said back before everything faded to black with a warning. WARNING: If you are sensitive to beating, scars, depression, self harming or talks of suicide, please skip ahead.  ((Next paragraph)) “I was beat up. Sometimes just left on the ground to die. I’ve been cut....whipped. Thrown in dumpsters and walls. Had glass bottles thrown at me and broken over my head. Broken bones. You name it it’s been done to me....so much that I started hurting myself.” Julian came back into view with his shirt off. His pale body did nothing to hide his scars that literally covered his body “So this right here is the surgery scar form my surgery on my chest and you kinda see this one here. It looks like a c-section scar to take out my ovary's and all the fun stuff in there. For the record my kids are mine. Save me eggs and got a sperm donor. Kayla carried them for me...anyway....um...all the other scars are from me or others. It was kinda hard not to fall into a depression when basically everyone in the world is trying to kill you or make you feel like death...” he said looking down at his own body. “I wanted to die....so much. I tried a few times but I luckily failed at killing myself. Actually I was in the hospital when Kayla went into labor with Luna because I over dose on my aint-depressions. And it was like 6 months after that that when I was at home...” he paused as tears welled up in his eye. “I-I was home.....with the kids....late. REALLY late and I tired to kill myself then. I....i cut my wist pretty bad and S-sam....”Julian sniffled letting tears roll down his face, voice braking as he spoke. “Sam came in....he saw the blood and just looked at me and said “Papa gots a boo boo. I’ll fix it.” and he did. And he he told me he love me and....and that’s kinda when it hit that I was the most selfish person on the planet. I had these two beautiful kids...that need me. And it doesn’t matter to them who are what I am...I’m their papa....and they need me....”He dried his face and showed his wrist that had Sam tattooed on one and Luna on the other on top of deeply scared skin. “I got them there to remind myself that hurting me is hurting them....”

Everything faded out and then to Julian on the stool, talking to someone off camera “I have a lot of good in my life...and I tend to forget that....I have my family, my subscribers.....Zac and Willow! She a new friend...I hope we’re friends. She such a lovely lady. Fucking smart too!” he laughed. “I’m fucking 27 years old and have just two friend. That is so sad. Dakota has tired....but for some reason we just do not click and I am so sorry about that cause he’s such a lovely man.” he laughed letting his hand drag down his face. “Like the dude handles Zac for fucks sake he’s gonna be awesome but...” Julian threw his hand up with a shrugged. “I don’t know....maybe he’ll watch this and become friends after this. I wanna be friends we just don’t click...with is very odd given who my best friend is. You know what this round two. Dakota we’re gonna go get some dr- Oooh wait...can he drink? How is he.....Fuck man. If he’s under 21 I am busting all the balls when I get home.” The man laughed and shook his head as he bit his lip. “We’ll see how shit goes after this video is posted.....I’m actually terrified of when this goes up. This is gonna change everything....and that’s just blood insane. One video that changes your whole life? I mean....that would be the first time that happen to me but still....” he sat there for a moment letting everything get quiet.

“The same day I left to come here to make this video, part to of a game called “A Normal Lost Phone” when up and that game is about a transgender girl name Samira or Sam.” Clips from the game came up and he talked. “Game starts of as her as a boy and you go along with the game and see her figure out that she trans and that she would never be accepted by her family. So she just runs.” Julian comes back on screen thinking for a moment. “And.....and I recorded it all and sent to my editor and I instantly called my mum sobbing. Because, first off I realized how lucky I am to have a family that accepted me from the start of who I am. And second that I am Sam...I played off the whole game like I wasn’t part of that world because of how scared I was. How scared I was that no one would accept me because how cruel I’ve seen people been. I have about 16 million people watching me. That a huge amount of people who can accept me or destroy me. This honestly is a something that can change my career and whole life....and that’s what’s scary about it....but I’m also not scared. I delayed putting it up for a few weeks but finally did I didn’t plan on making this video. I think the combination of that game just constantly being on my mind and the fact that I got jumped made me just snap and I had enough. I’ve checked the comments of that video, the part two because that’s when everything falls into place and you figure out whats going one....and the comments are nothing but positivist and that video has already help people who are trans come forward in my community...so I’m not afraid of what my community will think of me. It’s the world because I am on display for everyone 24/7. I’m one of the “big guys” on this platform so this is gonna go beyond YouTube....and that’s were my fear is. That outside of my little community and world everything is just gonna be destroyed and then find it’s way to my safe place which is my channel.”

The video cuts to moments of his comment section on the video he talked about and the positive coming from everyone before show him with his two older brother, sister and parents. Them all just laughing and talking as Julian’s voice came over. “I hope this helps people more. I hope I gave people a safer place to come to. A place where your not judge for being who you are and who you wanna be. No one should be ashamed for that....and it’s okay if your scared. I was too...” It came back to just Julian sitting and talking to the camera. “But I think you need to look around and look at the people who do love you for you and find comfort in them. And if you don’t have someone right there, you have me. You have this community. They don’t have to be right next to you or someone you see daily to make you feel loved and safe. Your safe here...and I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays safe. I’m always here. I’m always here to talk to you when you need it. I’ve always been an acting part of this community and I always will be. So please...remember that. But I promise you that good times will come to you. Please never ever give up on yourself because better days will come. I really do promise you that....even with all the shit that’s happen to me. I am happy....and I think things are just gonna get better for here. I.....I have hope....” Julian smiled and let out a heavy sigh with a big smile as everything faded out once more

[joannawillshrink]

emotion journal

day three. did a barre3 class and the booty core workout yesterday for day two. then went out to see a friend play his music, and to another bar to see another friend play in an ELO cover band. the bartender is someone i have a crush on, but who’s going to italy with his girlfriend soon. i drank too much wine. and smoked a cigarette that was way too strong and then drove to hotel vegas to try and just, be around the party longer. but strolling by the closed bar felt lackluster so i kept walking and found a hot dog vendor and ate. drove home and smoked a bowl with my roommates and obliterated myself. way too high. i never smoke weed so i regret that. it wasnt fun. so i slept in today and missed the women’s march and a 25 cent thrift store event and have been in bed all day. I know drinking depresses me the next day. im not sure if its been this way my whole adult life and i didnt notice, or if its new. i dont really like anything on days like this. i dont want to get out of bed. its just nicer in here. i didnt do a barre3 workout because i didnt like the classes offered. i did email the brass ovaries people though, so i need to get started on those classes. 6 in 30 days. should be cool. sarah called me today and had an experience with a guy that reminded me of the negative experience i had with a guy recently. i hate the trump election and i hate that its been a whole year and all the nastiness its stirred up. i hate me too because it makes me think of all the shit thats gone wrong in my experiences with men. all the times i wish i’d stood up for myself more instead of just going with it. all the way back, to that stupid polaroid photo i sent fucking tyler morse in... 9th grade? or even way back to nicole pressuring me to sneak out of my parents motel suite in myrtle beach to go hang out with guys. even way back then i was afraid of being boring. i was scared she wouldnt like me if i was boring, i felt like i had to entertain her. she was with us for a whole week, if it was lame or i wasnt cool ... i didnt think id be able to stand it if she huffed all week, looking at her face and seeing boredom... that still leaks into my daily life now. fifteen years later. 

still gonna do the booty core workout today. i dont want to. because i dont want to do anything except get in my car and go buy cupcakes or go to alamo drafthouse and spend money taking myself to a movie. all i want to do is spend money. boredom buster. 

i need a job. i need to have a reason to be on my feet more often, but i want the freedom to go on trips. March is gonna be a crazy month. what if i just find a stupid job and work the month of february to make money, then quit for SXSW and the surf trip... hmm. 

anyways. baby steps i guess. redefining my ideas of going out and how to make it fun with moderation, trying to get to the bottom of the fear of being boring and get over it, trying to figure out what the hell human people actually DO day in day out to pass the time. Life feels so long and weird. I hate donald trump. I wish i was skinnier. I want to buy cream cheese icing cupcakes. fuck this day. 

[soovaryit]

I have been RAGING at my body as of late. As I’m sure other chronic pain and illness suffers will understand, I dramatically switch between the inner monologues of ‘I love my body! I’m going to be kind to it and fill it with nutrition and goodness!!’ to ‘I want to forget that I have a body, eat junk food and be drunk 99% of the time’.

This is all tied up in mental health and pain levels of course, but it can often be a reaction to the way in which others treat your pain. I’d love to pretend I’m positive and level-headed enough to not let peoples actions affect my personal outlook but nope. I’m a human being and a fragile one at that and every negative interaction I have around my illness feeds into a negative view of myself. Shout out to my therapist for that line, thanks Lyndz. Today I want to vent about common misperceptions and assumptions around endometriosis and chronic pain in general because they fuck me off and I’d rather address a general audience than have to explain this to individuals that I encounter. Maybe I should just walk around wearing a t-shirt with these on. It would have to be a very big t-shirt. Anyway.

First up – let’s tackle the big one. That endometriosis is a ‘women’s problem’. Problematic on several levels. First of all, endo affects 1/10 people with a reproductive system. This does not mean that they identify as female. They could be trans, non-binary and/or not use she/her pronouns. It’s exclusionary to adopt this kind of universal female rhetoric around the disease. I am guilty of this too but it would be nice to see a shift in the gendered language around endo that doesn’t exclude anyone who isn’t cis or female-identifying. The second way it is problematic is that society doesn’t care about ‘women’s’ issues. The more it is labelled as such the less it is thought of as a HUMAN disease that affects HUMANS. Please, lets start making this a human issue. Yes, it’s ‘taboo’ because it’s about periods and ovaries and all those yucky things that even modern medicine doesn’t want to acknowledge. But imagine if this wasn’t a gendered disease. I can guarantee you there would be extensive research and treatment on a condition that can glue your organs to one another and leave you with trapped internal bleeding and scars all over the inside and outside of your body. Not to mention ruin your mental health and fertility. Which brings me to…

All endometriosis sufferers want babies and that is their number one concern in the world! Who cares about your health and sanity when our sole purpose is to breed!! (I really hope you’re getting my sarcasm here).  It is an undisputed fact that during your journey with endo, (generally male) doctors will comment on your ability to have children without asking. This has even made me, a person who would like children, uncomfortable as it’s often information given to you based on the fact that you have the capability to produce a child, never mind if you have asked about fertility or stated that you want children. It is an irritating assumption that many doctors will offer you as a ‘cure’ when it absolutely isn’t. It’s misinformed, misogynistic bullshit that could be ended by the simple question of ‘are you concerned about your fertility?’ before launching into said bullshit. It also prevents doctors from performing hysterectomies to younger women as there is a ludicrous assumption that they will change their mind later in life and thus any agency around their body is taken away based on one doctor's opinion. I'm sure this is different country to country but in the NHS it is notoriously difficult. I was left with very little information after my lap other than ‘it hasn’t affected your fertility’. Yay for me but will there be any less pain? Who knows! Better crack on and get myself pregnant with my non-existent partner and stop hassling poor doctors over my quality of life. *

Number three is my fave go-to criticism from ‘healthy/able-bodied’ people (I find both of those words irritating but never know what else to say). That raising awareness for chronic pain is attention seeking or asking for a pity party. I think I am safe in saying that literally no one with a disability of any kind wants your pity. I can only speak for myself here but phrases like ‘you poor thing’ and ‘how do you cope?’ ignite a certain fury in me, especially when accompanied by a head tilt and simpering voice. It makes me feel pathetic. It makes me feel like you think I am pathetic, which could not be further from the truth. When I write blogs and share photos of my experiences with pain it is because I want to show people the reality of it. I want to end the misconception that any of my conditions are something to be hidden or ashamed of because that is how society keeps chronically ill people down. I want you to recognise the strength that it takes to live with pain every day and I want you to feel the frustration that suffers feel when they are not taken seriously or believed. Is it attention seeking? Yes. I want everyone’s attention when I explain how overlooked endometriosis and chronic pain are and how medicine is steeped in gender inequality and a disregard for complicated conditions. So there.

And I’ll finish with.. you’re just a hypochondriac! Okay let’s go there. In what world would any human being relish the idea of going to doctors and hospital appointments that cost them money and valuable time, only for their time to usually be wasted by medical professionals that don’t understand or have much of an interest in helping you?** Why would ANYONE want to spend their lives in bed feeling isolated and alone and depressed and waiting to feel well again when they’re not sure they will ever feel well again? Why would I want to spend my time making up pain and illnesses when I could, ooh I don’t know, be making the most of the degree I’m paying £51,000+ for? Or doing normal 25-year-old things like enjoying dating, going on holidays, working? Everything I do has to be a careful calculation of how bad I will feel after and it is exhausting. Some days I don’t want to step foot in my bedroom because it reminds me of miserable, seemingly never-ending bouts of pain and depression/anxiety. I would like to be a ‘healthy person’, whatever is that is but I will loudly shout about every condition that holds me back because we live in a world that doesn’t value people with long-term health problems. So I hope I have got your attention, but I don’t want your sympathy. I want your empathy and understanding. And honestly, I hope people do feel an element of discomfort when they read posts like this because chronic illness sufferers sure as hell don’t feel comfortable ourselves and I am happy for the world to know about it. Now a couple of disclaimers bcos that was a big ol’ rant and some things need to be made clear.

*Did not want this rant to discount the horrendous struggles of infertility because that is an unimaginably awful thing for people to go through and solidarity with you <3 

**There are also lovely, lovely caring medical professionals in the sea of incompetent ones like my doctor who is aptly named Dr.Peacock because he is a beautiful, understanding creature and please keep trying until you find one, you will find one.