#fuck off with that shit let meryl kick ass

[zivillyn]

I'm torn between really loving Trigun Stampede and finding it trying as hell. When I'm watching it, it's great, but then I think about it and can't help but feel it missed the whole point of the original. The original had themes dealing with identity and morality that the remake is completely ignoring, and to my mind that's what made the original do good in the first place. Rather than LEARN who Vash is, and his struggles and history, over time, we're just told and thus robbed of impact. The reveal that Wolfwood is a member of the Gungho Guns carries an emotional turmoil for the viewer in the original because we got to know him and then found out he was one of the bad guys all along, but the remake reveals this in the episode he's introduced. There's something to be gained by keeping information from the viewer for emotional impact and the remake doesn't seem to understand that.

[scarletwidowaf]

broadway, baby. (part 1)

Florence pugh x female Reader

Summery: reader is a singing waitress in a new York restaurant (like in glee) where many famous people go to, and one night the little women cast are are there and R is their waitress.

Warnings: there's some cursing and harassment. Its not revolve around it but its there.

A\N: im soft for florence pugh and this is a complete shit.

masterlist

Credits: Glee Gif Credit • Florence Gifs Credit

“I'm just a Broadway Baby, walking off my tired feet, Pounding Forty Second Street to be in a show. Broadway Baby, learning how to sing and dance, waiting for that one big chance to be in a show.” - Cast of follies

Life can be hard and some days can be rough, especially in your line of work where people competed for the spotlight on a daily basis. but that's life and that’s the road you chose to walk through.  And it's alright, after all, what's life without a spark? A movie without a breaking point? or a shift at Clayton's without drama?

This was one of these days, the kind of days who kept you on an edge as your body and mind both ached for a break.

'Just roll with it. just a few hours for your day off.' You silently said to yourself.

Being a young artist in New York was a challenge you’ve taken on yourself, luckily for you working at "Clayton's" was a good way to start a career.  most people who started working there were young talented artist who were determined to make an impression over the industry. The place was always packed with many famous people, from actors to singers and producers. So, in many ways, working in "Clayton's" could be a ticket to Broadway or the music industry. And that was the reason you moved there in the first place.

You tried the traditional way, but after months of trying to get into college and fix your past mistakes, like your high school career, you decided that this path wasn’t for you. no matter what you did or how hard you tried your ADHD still managed to kick your ass. So, that’s how you ended up as a singing waitress in NY. You liked your job, truly. You liked singing and dancing and meeting cool people along the way, but sometimes it was just too much.

"You look like shit" Aaron said from his spot at the bar.

Aaron was a sweet guy and probably the only straight person in your group of friends. He was charming and talented and most importantly; he was the first friend you got in NY.

Aaron pulled his long brown hair into a bun as he chuckled at you. You huffed in frustration in return.

"Thanks" you muttered as he passes you a mug with coffee, hoping to help you get a grip before the restaurant opens.

"You need to rest" he said. "properly" 

"that’s overrated" you joked and took a sip.

You felt an hand on your shoulder and you turned around to meet your friend's stern gaze. "You, okay?" she asked

"Always" you answered Mackenzie's question and she raised her eyebrow, knowing full well you were lying. 

"we should sing as a warm up!" David, another one of your coworkers and Aaron's twin brother said.

"Let's not" Aaron said as he rolled his eyes at his brother's enthusiasm. 

You laughed quietly as the two started bickering. Mack and you glanced at each other knowingly. Both of you already know who will win in the stupid argument.

15 minutes later, after a group warm up and Aaron's dramatic sighs 'Clayton's' was open for business.

It was a nice evening, not too full, not too loud. And most importantly, not too many known faces.

Of course, you liked to have famous people on your shifts, and it could obviously be a game changer for you but it can get intense at times and you want in the mood. Seriously, how can you be the only one who found singing "defying gravity' in font of Idina Menzel as a very stressful experience?? You were terrified by the idea you'll fuck up in front of the original singer- and make a total fool out of yourself. 

When 10 pm rolled around, every opinion you had about the evening flew out the window. at this point, the restaurant was full with costumers and some known faces as well, and you found yourself holding every inch of you together as you approach the table who was occupied by the one and only Meryl Streep, and some fellow little women cast members.  

 *rule number 1 of working at Clayton's:��don't make costumers feel uncomfortable. Don't annoy the costumers, don't ask for autographs if they're famous and generally treat them as normal and respectfully as you can. *

 "Hello, my name is Y/N and ill be your waitress for tonight" you introduced yourself with a small smile. The women smiled at you brightly.

"How does it work" Meryl held the tablet with a puzzled expression. "Am I that old?" She joked

"Barley" One of the other women, Emma fucking Watson, said. 

"I know it looks complicated-" you told them as you took the tablet from Meryl's hand."-But it's pretty simple, actually, I promise. As you can see the top part of the tablet is divided into two sections: The right one who says 'ask for a waiter'- which means that your waiter- which in this case, me, is busy- probably performing at the moment, and you can ask for a different waiter." You said with an ease, knowing the explanation by heart.

"The left section says 'ask for my waiter' which is a pretty simple one to understand... I guess- if you'll need me for whatever reason, you can press it and it'll page me. Feel free to use it."  You said with a smile as you scanned their faces, making sure they understand the first part.

"And the bottom section?" Saoirse asked. 

"The bottom section is the 'refill' sections. It will get into validation only after ill place your order in my own tablet and send to the kitchen." You explained as you gestured to your own tablet. "It's pretty useful, the point of it is that you can ask for a refill without having to social with me. Its awesome"

You noticed one of them, Florence pugh, scanning the tablet with a small smile- as she listened to your explanation. She was absolutely a sight for sore eyes, that's for sure.

"Thats pretty cool" she said and you nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, I got really excited over it when I started working here" you admitted awkwardly "most importantly- When a section isn't relevant its will be grey instead of in color so you won't get confused. Like, for example - if You haven't ordered anything yet you can't get a refill, for the obvious reason. or if I'm not performing you can't ask for another waiter... which means you're stuck with me for the time being" you finished with a small chuckle.

"I don't think any of us mind that" Florence smiled and the others agreed. The blonde smiled at you again and you blushed slightly. "You're singing, right?" she asked out of the blue, just when you were about to leave and let them look through their menus. 

"Yeah, i do. In a few minutes, actually" 

"Thats cool! Good luck" she smiled and you wondered if Emma, who set the closest to you, could hear how fast your heart's beating. 

"Thank you" you said with a smile and turned around to the stage. 

__________________

"you paged? I'm guessing you guys ready to order then" You said as you approached their table after your performance. 

"YOU WERE SO GODD!" Florence said excitedly.

"Thank you" you blushed slightly. 

What. The. Fuck. Y/N?! You scolded yourself.

The others joined into the conversation with their own compliments and you thought you'd die when Meryl Streep, the legend herself, complimented you.

After another few moments the conversation calmed downed and moved to the next, and most important topic: the food. You tried your best to not blush under Florence's soft gaze and keep your focus on the other members of her table as they consulted you about the dishes, but damn, that was hard.  luckily for you it didn’t take long and a few minutes later, their order was sent to the kitchen. 

 The next hour and a half weren't much different. you sang and placed orders, you smiled to costumers and even pretend to laugh at some old man's joke. And maybe (just maybe) you glanced over to Florence every now and then.

The thing about Clayton's is that apart for the famous people who visit there frequently, it also contains many of the rich and the snobs of New York, so you weren't surprised when you got paged from a table who was occupied by two guys with fancy clothes and their parents credit card.

"Hey" one of them said to you as you approached them. 

"hey, welcome to Clayton's! You're David's table, right?" You said and pointed at your friend who started his own performance.

"Yeah, the fag one" the other guy said and your smile fell.

Take a deep breath, Y/N. It's not worth it. 

"I see you guys already ordered a few minutes ago" you said as you checked your tablet.

"Yeah" the asshole confirmed. 

"Okay, in that case, how can I help you?" You asked politely as you could. 

"we would like to get the check." The first guy said politely as he pulled out a few bills from his wallet. "Keep the change" he said as you took it and made sure it was enough.

"Thank you" you smiled politely and made a mental note to give David his well-earned tip.

"my brother want to know if you're single" the asshole said and the nicer guy looked at his with his eyes wide.

Shit.

"I'm sorry, I'm in a relationship" you lied after a moment, hoping the lie will spare both his feeling and any more questions in the subject.

The guy nodded in understanding but on the other hand, the other guy didn’t seem to get the massage.  

"I'm sure he won't mind sharing" the asshole said and you felt sorry for the poor guy for being related to this ass.

"What the fuck Chad" the nice guy said as chad smirked at you.

"yeah... that’s not going to happen." You glared at him "have a great weekend tho" you gritted out and turned around to leave.

you were taken by surprise when you felt chad's hand on your ass. Again, what the fuck?!

"What the fuck is wrong with you' asshole" you gritted out and moved away from him. 

Don't make a scene. He's not worth it. 

"C'mon-" he started to say as he got up. You moved away, knowing you were cornered since the place was full, the lights were deemed and the music was loud. 

"Don't touch me" you said and moved away; you're back hitting an empty table who stood nearly.

"Hey what's going on here?" You heard and turned to catch Florence walking to you.

If a look could kill chad would’ve been dead. that’s for sure. It's like the sweet and excited Florence had left and a different, intimidating (and hot) version of her took her space and so help you god, you were glad she was on your side.

"Nothing! we were just leaving, really" Frankie said.

"None of your business" brad said and Florence raised her perfectly shaped eyebrow, daring him to cross her.

"I see" she said "well, I'm sure y/n won't mind my intruding" 

'Thank god for Florence Pugh.' You thought.

Before chad could press the subject any further David, who just finished his performance, got there. You were sure he noticed that something was happening.

"what's going on here?" he asked after he scanned the situation quickly.

"nothing as I said to your friend, we were just leaving" Frankie said again. 

he didn’t want to draw any negative attention, just like you, and thankfully for the both of you, not many people noticed the situation.

This time chad didn't answer, he just glared at Florence and you while his brother pulled him away from the place.

"so, are you going to tell me what happened?" David asked Florence and you after the two left.

Florence looked at you, waiting for you to answer him. 

"Nothing" you lied. "it's okay David, you can go" you promised your friend. David looked at you with his 'I done believe you' expression, but he didn't press it any further. He just nodded before he turned around and left. 

 Rule number 2: do not make a scene under no circumstances. At Clayton's, everything you do while you're on the clock is practically showcased. You slip? you fall? you sing out of tune? Its under a spotlight, everyone can see that and everyone will have something to say about it. Thats the thing about this place.  most people who started there and moved on to bigger things as Broadway or Hollywood were practically trained to keep their best poker face, act on the demand or pretend that everything is okay when it was clearly not. 

 "You should go back to your table" you said to Florence 

she looked at you with an unreadable expression before she went back to her table. You didn't have much time to read into it since a few minutes later you found yourself at her table, printing their check and having a small friendly conversation with the women. You smiled at them as they left before you turned your tablet off and went to cover for Aaron at the bar.

 "I thought you guys left" You said with a smile when the blonde approached you a few minutes later. 

"Why did you lie?" Florence asked with the same unreadable expression from earlier.

Okay. No smiling then.

"I didn’t" you pulled out two shot glasses and filled them with tequila. The blonde gave you a 'are you kidding me' kind of look and you couldn't help but to chuckle. "I didn't see a reason to make a scene over nothing" you explained and downed one of the shots.

"It wasn't nothing Y/N" she said before taking the other glass. 

"its fine. I'm fine. He didn’t do anything " you said as she downed her shot.

"Yeah, because I was there" she argued.

"I can handle guys like him. Seriously, at this point it might as well be a part of my job" 

"you're not helping yourself"

"I liked you better smiling" you chuckled as she glared at you.

"I'm sure you did"

"shut up" 

"How's your back?" She asked/

The blonde definitely didn't seem convinced about the chad situation but you were just grateful for the change of subject.

"It will be alright"

"Good"

"I appreciate your worry, truly. But I'm fine and I really don't want to hold you back here over it" you said  

"Who said I was worried" she smirked at you with a raised eyebrow.

"Uh, you don't?" You played along 

"Nope"

"Then why are you still here? Its almost 12 am, don't you have something better to do" you teased her 

"no. Do you?" She turned the question and you laughed. 

"I guess not - considering the fact I work here and I'm still on clock"

"Oh, please we both know this place is about to close" she argued your logic

"True" you admitted

"So, if you have nothing better to do, and you don't, would you like to go out with me? You kinda owe me after I saved your ass earlier"

"Uh, and here I thought you did that as an act of kindness" you joked. A small smile playing on your lips.

"Ew no" she said and You laughed. "Well?" Florence pressed with a cheeky smile.

"Yeah, why not. It's not like I have something better to do" 

"Just what I wanted to hear" she joked.

[spaceorphan18]

Prompt: Kurt was out with Santana and they got a little drunk and a little... confrontational in a bar. Blaine is called in to collect his husband.

I decided to go a slightly different way, hope that’s okay…

//

9:02pm: Alright, listen Anderson, I’m stealing your husband for the evening.  If he and Berry think they can really challenge me to a drink off, well then the time has come.  Enjoy your free evening because it is on. 

9:26pm: Okay, he’s sipping on wine and I’ve already kicked back three Jägerbombs.  Enough of this pansy stuff.  I know you know what really gets him off. 

9:27pm: I meant drunk you pervert.  What gets him drunk.  I swear to god, Anderson, please make this evening more interesting.  I will pay you, and keep you updated…  

9:42pm: I don’t know why anyone would willingly drink limoncello but apparently that seems to be working.  He’s beginning to slur his words a little.  And laugh.  A lot.  It’s kinda creepy.  Does he always do this? Berry is making stupid drunk faces and all he is doing is laughing.  It’s not even that funny.  I need more to drink. 

10:13pm:  Apparently after laughing comes singing??  Your husband is at the bar singing Cabaret to the bartender.  Oh - and now he’s on the bar.  You taught him this, didn’t you?

10:16pm: And now he’s singing Beyonce.  I think I need to get this on tape later for blackmail.  

10:17pm: Damn, Anderson, your husband may only know three dance moves, but god can he move those hips. 

10:18pm: NOPE! Stop! I swear to god, if you ever text me something like that again…. 

10:25pm: Aaaaannnd by suggestion, and that would be my suggestion, he is now singing ‘I’m too Sexy’.  Well.  I guess he knows four dance moves.  And, oh, there goes the shirt.  Yay!  **clappy hands**

10:34pm: Alright, things have settled down now.  You’re lucky, Blaine, your hubby had to beat off three guys and a woman after that little showcase.  He has, however, secured more drinks.  I’ll have to admit, I’ve never gotten this far, usually this is this the part where you take babyface gay home for the night.  I’m curious as to what happens next. 

10:47pm: Oh this is good.

10:49pm: Delightful even.

10:51pm: That’s right - I want all the secrets now… 

10:54pm: Things I have learned in the last twenty minutes… Berry has four tattoos.  And hubby didn’t know that and, like, screamed his head off for about five minutes.  Seriously, though, that secret is so lame.  In fact, all of Berry’s secrets are lame.  She once stole gold star stickers from Walmart.  Wow, she’s so wild! 

10:55pm: Hubby, however, sure has some interesting things though…  Kurt, however, has a rainbow colored dildo?  And the two of you like to roleplay - why doesn’t that surprise me.  Let’s see - oh, but my favorite is that he is open to a threesome, and you’ve suggested you want to try with a woman.  Just to see??? 

10:56pm: C’mon, Anderson.  You know my wife has wanted to try with you guys forever.  I wonder how drunk I can get Kurt so he’ll agree…  You know you want to know… 

10:59pm: Oh, and apparently you have birthmark shaped like Italy on your ass.  **crying emoji** You literally have a boot on your booty.  Can you send me a pic of that? Does Kurt have a pic of that on his phone?  I need to see that…. 

11:06pm: So, hubby apparently has a problem.  I have stolen his phone and I see no butt photos.  He likes ass right? I’m incredibly disappointed.  He also has way too many photos of dogs in hats.  And old people.  Why doe she have so many pictures of old people on his phone? They’re not even interesting photos of old people.  They’re just old.  

11:07pm: Okay, so I changed hubby’s facebook status to: If my husband was an ice cream flavor, I’d be a diabetic.  

11:08pm: Yes, I crack myself up. 

11:21pm: Apparently, secret time was over and we had to sing more.  Maybe singing isn’t so bad.  I don’t know.  However - enjoy my video of the three of us singing Toto’s Africa with some bald guy who decided to play the bongos.  I think we should go on tour. 

11:32pm: Aannnnd, we’ve hit the rage place.  I mean, I know I get hysterical over the dumbest things.  But seriously? Who gets mad because Nicole Kidman wore eggyoke yellow on the red carpet? YOUR WEIRD ASS HUSBAND! 

11:34pm: Who gets the Oscar for most melodramatic telling of a lameass story about how the cheesecake was ten minutes late? I swear, he’s giving Meryl Streep a run for her money.  I’m pretty sure I can get ole Meryl so she can play him in the biopic.  

11:35pm: Do you think your hot brother should play you?

11:36pm: Okay, it’s settled, hubby agrees, your hot brother and Meryl Streep are playing you guys in the movie!  

11:41pm: Baby gayface and hagberry are writing the worst movie now - it’s like if Nicholas Sparks and Nora Ephron got together and vomited up the world’s lamest movie.  At least have some explosions in there somewhere among all the lameass musical numbers.  God, this is the worst. 

12:01am:  Shit.  

12:02am: Shit shit shit shit shit.  

12:03: this is the fucking worst.

12:04: Do you know what happened to your favorite mug? the one with the stupid joke about holding you because youre a fermata? Weeeeellll kurt broke the damn mug and he’s spent the last twenty minutes sobbing about how he cant get it glued back together and its going to be broken forever and what if thats a metaphor for something in your relationship even though your relationship has been roses and daisies and gay rainbow unicorns for years and he cant find a new mug and he doesnt want to tell you but now he doesnt have to because i have and this IS THE WORST BLAINE DRUNK KURT IS NO LONGER FUN HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO ENDURE THE CRYING????!!!!

12:12am: I thought the mug story was bad.  and now hubby is crying about how beautiful you are and your love is like this epic love story and remember the time you guys met on the stairs.  REMEMBER THE FUCKING STAIRS BLAINE BECAUSE KURT SURE DOES HE WONT SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING STAIRS AND HE WONT STOP CRYING AND I TAKE IT BACK ID RATHER TALK ABOUT BROKEN MUGS I CANT HANDLE THIS EPIC LOVE STORY SHIT

12:18am: And now hes sobbing his way through some god awful whitney houston song.  you win - please come get him.  please PLEASE!!! 

12:24am: BLAINE WHERE ARE YOU - YOU SHORT LITTLE BOWTIE WEARING KINKY ASS FREAK GET OVER HERE AND PRY YOUR HUSBAND OFF MY SHOULDER

12:26am: oh and when you get here - will you sing to me your special version of i’m a little teapot? ;) 

1:06am: Thanks for letting me borrow your husband for the night, Anderson.  Next time it’s your turn. ;) ;)

[wishfulfanficing]

The Party

Based on a request from @ysladidasbear! Sorry about the delay!! 

Meryl Streep’s phone rang. She lifted her head with curiosity and a little concern. Very few people had this phone number, and even fewer would call in the middle of the night. Once she saw who was calling, she sat up right away.

“Emma, hi… is everything ok? Are you alright?”

“Hi Meryl… Yeah, I’m ok, Billie’s ok… But, um…”

Meryl leaned in, concerned. “What’s happening, honey?”

“Can you come to our house? We… we fucked up.”

— “Is she coming?” Billie’s voice was desperate as her sister hung up the phone.

“Yeah, I think so… I asked her to call mom and dad.”

Billie shrugged. “They’re coming home tomorrow anyway…”

“Yeah but… this is a big deal… with the paparazzi and everything.” The mess from the party was one thing, but that wasn’t why they called Meryl, and that wasn’t why they were so worried now. Someone had posted about the party on Facebook, and the press had come. The pictures were online, and there was no telling what the tabloids were writing about them at that very moment.

“Yeah…” Billie sat down with her head in her hands. “Fuck.”

“Yes… Fuck.” Meryl appeared in the doorway; they hadn’t even realized it was unlocked. “Hi girls.”

“Hi…” Emma sat down next to her sister, ashen-faced.

“Hi girls.” Meryl surveyed the place, hands on her hips. “Holy shit. You were not kidding…”

“I know, it’s bad, I know,” Emma said.

“Damn right it’s bad.” Meryl walked into the doorway. “I brought some trash bags… I know your parents have a vacuum. You’ll feel better one this is cleaned up - let’s get to work.”

— Carrie drove. She had to - Harrison didn’t trust himself behind the wheel. When Meryl had called, he’d felt numb. They’d left New York a day early as soon as Meryl called.

The repetitional damage was severe, not just for him and Carrie, but for the girls. He and Carrie had established careers, but parties like this were enough to kill a young girl’s career before it even started - not just in Hollywood, but in any industry. And they’d broken their parents’ trust - in a close knit family, it was like a slap in the face.

But that wasn’t what made Harrison’s blood boil and what made Carrie cry as the plane took off from Newark. They’d seen the photos. They knew the scene more intimately than their daughters knew.

“I don’t want them to turn out like me,” Carrie had sobbed. “I don’t want this… this party life for them.” Harrison held her and silently prayed.

They were turning in to their driveway now, and Harrison’s heart leapt into his chest. He blinked back a couple tears as Carrie parked; he grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly. “You ready, beautiful?”

Carrie returned his grip; it was firm and reassuring. “Absolutely… hey.” She squeezed his hand again and locked her brown eyes to his. “You’re a good dad. They’re good girls. We’ll get through this.”

The lump in Harrison’s throat gave way, and he wiped a few stray tears from his eyes. “We’ll get through this,” he repeated.

They got out of the car, grabbing each others hands in front of the doorway. “Fuck... Lemme grab the key out of my purse,” Carrie muttered as she fumbled around her bag. Harrison noticed her hands were shaking.

Harrison furrowed his brow and pressed his lips together in a way that, were the circumstances less serious, would have made Carrie laugh. “I wish we’d given them longer names,” he muttered, rubbing his temples with one hand and clutching the countertop with the other.

Carrie looked at him quizzically. “What? Why.”

He turned to look at her. “So we’d have more syllables to yell.”

Carrie snorted, and he cracked a smile. “We’ll have to go full names on this one,” she agreed as she pushed the door open.

Both girls were standing in the foyer, looks of true shame on their faces. Harrison grabbed them both and pulled them into a tight hug. “I love you so much, and I’m fucking pissed but I love you so much.”

He let them go, and Carrie hugged each daughter individually, holding them close for a long time. The family made their way to the couch and sat down.

It was silent until Harrison finally spoke. “I’m angry… and I’m angry because I’m scared,” he said, gripping the side of couch. Carrie placed her hand gently on his as he continued. “I need to… I need you guys to be honest with us. We’re not gonna punish you, but we need to know. Were there any drugs here tonight?”

Billie shook her head; her sister answered, “Not that I know of.”

Carrie raised her eyebrows. “That you know of?”

“I mean… we didn’t have any or want any. I don’t think anyone brought anything in or took anything…”

“But you didn’t take any, and there aren’t any in this house?” Harrison interrupted. Both girls shook their heads. “Ok… did you have any alcohol?”

“Yeah... I’m not gonna lie to you, we both had a lot to drink.” It was hard for Emma to admit that, but the disappointment in her father’s face was killing her and she wanted to start to make things right.

Carrie sighed. “Listen… I understand, to a point, what your lives are like. But you girls live in the social media era, and that makes being an industry kid even harder. I know you know why what happened with the press is a really big deal.” They nodded, and Carrie knew they understood. “The other thing is… drugs and alcohol… girls… you can’t. I’m sorry, it’s my genes. But trust me when I say this isn’t a path you wanna go down.”

Billie started to say something, but her sister shot her a look that stopped her. Harrison noticed, and jumped in. “I know you think this isn’t that serious, but this is how it starts…”

“It’s not about the substances themselves,” Carrie burst out. “It’s about the secrets and the lying… take that and add it to drinking or to drugs and that’s a lethal combination. You did this while we were in New York because you knew it was wrong, didn’t you.”

They both nodded.

“Ok then.” Carrie turned to her husband and sighed deeply.

“Well…” Harrison said, “it looks like this is mostly clean, but that doesn’t solve the other two problems. We have the problem of the press, and the problem of our trust. Right now, I think the two of you should sit down and write a statement. About what you learned, that you’re sorry, what you learned… I think you know what to say. We’ll send it to the publicist and she’ll run it.”

“And if it’s that fake apology shit I’ll kick your asses,” Carrie chimed in. It was clear she meant it.

“Meanwhile,” Harrison started again, squeezing his wife’s hand. “Your mother and I are gonna go upstairs and figure out how you’re gonna earn our trust back.”

The girls nodded, and walked into the kitchen. Carrie sighed and buried her head in Harrison’s shoulder. “Oh my God…” she muttered as he kissed the top of her head.

“Hey pretty girl,” he cooed as she turned to look at him. “You’re a good mom and I love you.”

She smiled, and leaned in to kiss him. “You’re good dad and I love you.”

[saranel]

The Last Jedi review, sorta

I don’t think I’ve talked enough (if at all) about what a huge Star Wars nerd I am on this blog, mostly because I didn’t love TFA as much as most people seemed to and I just never joined in the renewed fandom frenzy.

TL;DR on my views on TFA: It was fun enough, some interesting new characters, beautiful visuals, but I’d seen that movie before.  It came out in ‘77 and it was much better then.  Homage is one thing, rip off is completely another.  Mostly, I guess I was just disappointed that they didn’t dare to try and move the universe forward a bit, beyond the already trodden path.

Say what you will about the prequels, but I will always, always maintain there’s nothing wrong with them a better script and director couldn’t fix.  George tries, bless him, but he can’t write dialogue worth a damn.  Not even Meryl Streep could’ve made the line “So love has blinded you” any better than Natalie Portman did, and both she and Hayden have proven themselves to be much better actors than they were in Star Wars.  I’m not bothering with Ewan because he was one of the few really great things about the Prequels. 

That having been said, what George can do is weave a decent background story, and the Prequel Trilogy’s story is much, much richer than the OT’s.  Taking off our nostalgia-colored glasses for a moment, let us be honest: the OT was so successful because it did a very simple thing, and did it well, and had a cast with wonderful chemistry. The story itself is nothing to rave about: just your simple Evil Empire vs Plucky Rebels story.  But the Prequels actually got political and much darker than the OT did, they just did it clumsily.  Still, it was something new in the Star Wars universe and George always tried to expand the known worlds by giving us even small glimpses of other cultures and planets.  Don’t forget that Star Wars was never meant to be high-brow Science Fiction a la Philip Dick, but a space adventure.  This doesn’t mean that the story can’t have nuance, but the point of Star Wars was always to be a fairytale exploration of a fictional galaxy.

Compared to that, the new trilogy seemed extremely lacking to me.  And seeing The Last Jedi a few days ago really cemented that.  Never before have I seen so many things happening in one movie while nothing really happens at all.  It makes Attack of the Clones look interesting in comparison, and that’s saying a lot.  ALSO LUKE, WTF HAS THE MOUSE DONE TO MY SPACE SON, THE FUCKING GALL.

So yes, surprise-surprise, TLJ manages to rip off Empire (with a dash of Battlestar Galactica thrown in for good measure) and does so poorly.  It was not a terrible film by any means, but I honestly thought it was no better than Phantom Menace. And Phantom Menace had the Duel of Fates.  So. 

(okay, to be fair, TLJ didn’t have Jar Jar so that’s one point in its favor)

In a nutshell:

(cut for spoilers)

THE GOOD

- Poe.  Poe was good. Moar Poe, there was a serious lack of Poe in TFA and it has been rectified, this was a very good decision. 

- The silent scene.  Y’all know the one.  People in my theater literally gasped in unison.  I was bored outta my skull up until then and as soon as I realized what Holdo was about to do, I sat up, all ‘oshit’ and it was amazing.  Beautifully shot, beautifully clever, and the most badass hero death in the SW universe.  Only comes in second in terms of best scene in the movie because the other one involved a more established and beloved character.

- MY SON LUKE KICKING HIS NEPHEW’S ASS LIKE IT AIN’T NO BIG THANG.  In full disagreement over how shit went down between them in the past, but Luke showing Kylo who’s the most goddamn powerful Jedi in the galaxy (which Luke did canonically become in later years btw) was such a rewarding scene.  Also, he was dressed in black.  Like in ROTJ. Because fuck yeah.

- Rey’s parentage.  Most people probably hated that she’s not a Skywalker but I just... kinda loved the suggestion that she was the Force’s answer to Kylo?  It’s happened before with Anakin, so this isn’t exactly new, and Anakin, too, came from ‘nothing.’ I liked it.  She doesn’t have to have illustrious parentage to be important in the series, and as much as I love my Space Drama Queen clan, it’s time the universe moves on from the Kardashians of the galaxy.

- Luke’s death.  I don’t agree with 99% of what went down with Luke in this trilogy, I think it was deeply out of character, but his ending?  That was spot on.  Did I want more out of his storyline? Obviously, but examined in a vacuum, his ending was beautiful to me.  Especially that last scene.  Best scene in the movie from start to end.

- Yoda manipulating the goddamn heavens to rain thunder upon the ancient tree.  Ilu Yoda

- Leia and Holdo discussing Poe.  This was an A+++ short scene. Get it, ladies.

- Snoke is gone, thank the heavens.  Worst-named villain in movie history, I couldn’t stop laughing every time someone said SUPREME LEADER snoke.

- CRYSTAL FOXES OMG

- Luke getting his kicks in that boring-ass island via EXTREME ROD FISHING, lmao the nerd

THE MEH

- So, um... Kylo and Rey?  ....ew? (did they not think Finn and Rey were super cute or)

- So, um... Finn and Rose?  ....ookaaaay? (did they not see Poe biting down on his lip when he saw Finn in his jacket or)

- I don’t really care for ships in this trilogy tbh, whatever.  Guess I’m steering clear from attachment until I know who’s related to whom (THIS IS A DANGEROUS UNIVERSE TO SHIP IN OKAY).  Plus, not really feeling particularly strong toward any couple, just... not Kylo and Rey, ew.

- Rose.  I liked her, but... they hardly gave her anything to do.  That casino storyline was such a mess, made it seem like she was there just to be there.

- Finn’s storyline. Snoozefest.  I like him, but... see above.

- lol wtf happened to Chewie...? He was just... there?

THE BAD

- SPACE-WALKING LEIA.  I’M SORRY, OKAY, I know this scene will be big with many people, and lord knows I wanted to see Space Mom use the Force beyond that Spidey Sense shit, but this was just so dumb. 

- All the ‘humor.’ My god, just... no.  Not every scene needs to be steeped in Whedon-speak, please stahp.  I will admit the first scene got a chuckle out of me, but the rest...

- The ‘plot.’  This was literally an extended car chase scene in space with some Sense8 type shit thrown in. Rey hardly even did any training, ffs.  

- so the force-sensitive member of the trio goes on to be trained by a wise, isolated mentor and finds herself drawn to a place steeped in the dark side and ends up seeing only herself reflected in there, meanwhile the rest of the characters are involved in a chase across the galaxy, running away from the evil empire, and at some point decide to ask for help form a well-known swindler who betrays them and in the end everything seems bleak with just a tiny glimmer of hope. HMMMMMM. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. 

- quite frankly, I’m still in shock Rey finished the film with two fully biological arms

- O hei, look, it’s The Salty planet Hoth.  With pod-racing.

- Really? Rey blushing at shirtless Kylo? Really

- WHERE IS FORCE GHOST ANAKIN TO GO “BINCH I REDEEMED MYSELF IN THE END STOP THIS SHIT, ALSO I DID THIS FIRST AND I DID IT BETTER” TO HIS WANNABE GRANDSON

- The whole damn Casino storyline.  I don’t care if it’s meant to set up something for the last movie (probably not) but it was long, boring, and a clumsily written attempt at a storyline that could’ve been more nuanced and a good addition.

- why did we have to see Luke milk that alien Y

- NOT ONE DECENT LIGHTSABER FIGHT THE FUQ.  

- Leia (and Han in TFA) giving up on her son instead of beating some sense into his ass with a space slipper. Y’ALL KNOW SHE WOULD.  Baaaaad characterization. Space Mom would never.

- Also, fuck whoever decided that Leia, who canonically has the exact same force potential as Luke because they’re twins, never developed her powers beyond Force Sense or whatever.  If you’re not gonna give the woman a lightsaber, at least have her Force Push fools out of her way. 

- Wtf Rey you obliterated that nice alien’s cart and didn’t even apologize they work hard every day you should be ashamed

- why was it meant to be funny when porgs were slapped around wtf

- “what’s that canon?”  “Basically a small death star” kjashKLAFJSHSAJKDFSADFHSAK 

- Kylo. Can he just die, plz, the expanded universe did the Evil Solo son storyline so much better.  Yet another way in which this trilogy is totes an ~*homage*~  No shade on the actor though, he did a great job.  It’s just the violent manchild character I cannot stand.

- So like... we’re never gonna learn what Snoke’s deal was...? Or how he got to Kylo...? ....Okay then.

- This movie was 2 and a half hours long.

[glenngaylord]

MY MOMENTS OUT OF TIME IN FILM 2017

Instead of a Top 10 List, every year I like to honor a long-discontinued but influential annual column from Film Comment magazine. I couldn’t wait for my father to come home from work with the “Moments Out Of Time” issue.  The writers would cite their favorite scenes, images, or lines of dialogue, even from films they may not have liked, because let’s face it, even bad films may have a great moment or two, unless you were a film called RINGS, CATFIGHT, THE SNOWMAN, or THE DINNER.  In that case, you suck in the most forgettable of ways. Despite some obvious stinkers, this was a great year for film. Some resonated with me, such as I, TONYA and THE FLORIA PROJECT as they tackled the issue of class in America.  Despite being period pieces, films such as DARKEST HOUR and THE POST pinged on topics such as war-mongering and the need for a free press, both of which we seem to talk about daily right now.  I have a few I need to catch up on, such as MUDBOUND and THE SQUARE, and one I recently saw, A GHOST STORY, wowed me, but I haven’t written a review of it yet.  

Even I can’t see them all, so here, in no particular order, are my Moments Out Of Time in film for 2017:

“America. They want someone to love, but they want someone to hate, and the haters always say, 'Tonya, tell the truth!' There’s no such thing as truth. I mean it’s bullshit! Everyone has their own truth.” - I, TONYA

A little girl (the great Brooklyn Prince) stands in front of a motel room door, telling her little friends they’re not allowed to enter.  She pauses, and then mischievously says, “But let’s go anyways!”  in a moment of pure rebellious, but dangerous joy. - THE FLORIDA PROJECT

A young man (Lucas Hedges) begs his girlfriend (Saoirse Ronan) not to out him in one of the most touching moments of the year. - LADY BIRD

A woman (Cynthia Nixon’s blazing portrayal of Emily Dickinson) desperate to connect with someone, anyone, lights up whenever she’s around her soon-to-depart friend.  It’s a joy you wish she could have at all times.  It’s that ache to spar with another human that cuts to the core of this lonely tragedy. - A QUIET PASSION.  

Try watching the “I did not hit her” rooftop filmmaking sequence without bursting with glee.  One of the best-sustained comedy sequences of the year. - THE DISASTER ARTIST

A beautiful, long final shot of a young man (Timothée Chalamet) swimming in his tearful thoughts as the end credits role will break your heart. - CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

So will his father’s (Michael Stulbarg) 11th hour speech to him. - CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

A ghost in a white sheet with two eye holes, who has traveled across time for centuries, finally finds something important, which jogs his memory, making him feel less alone in the world, and then in a startling swish, is gone. - A GHOST STORY

Meryl Streep, in the most delicious long pause of 2017, struggles with the tough decision whether to publish the Pentagon Papers or not.  She conveys every pro and con with a series of reactions, leaving the audience breathless until she finally, and thrillingly, becomes a feminist heroine for the ages. - THE POST

Sure, it’s ostensibly Daniel Day-Lewis’ last film, but it’s the women, one with a deadening stare (Leslie Manville) and the other with the best eye flutter I’ve ever seen (Vicky Krieps), who take charge of this fascinatingly perverse story of control. - PHANTOM THREAD

A cleaning woman (Octavia Spencer) dusts a giant steampunk contraption as her mute co-worker looks on, sending the increasingly magical fable into a visually stunning dreamscape. - THE SHAPE OF WATER

“You know I can’t give you the keys, right babe?”  A chilling line in a scene in which a sympathetic, engaging character transforms into a monster, making Allison Williams, so often hated and too easily dismissed on GIRLS, as someone to REALLY watch as her career rises and rises.  - GET OUT

A beloved, iconic character from the original film makes a stunning, surprise appearance.  Despite it being CGI, this was the movie-movie moment of 2017. - BLADE RUNNER 2049

A bellicose, raging Prime Minister, known for his speeches, sits quietly with the square-ish frame filled with dark, negative space and seemingly lit by a single, too-bright light bulb.  He’s alone and yet belongs to us all, the push-pull of this theme resonating throughout the entire film. - DARKEST HOUR

“This didn't put an end to shit, you fucking retard; this is just the fucking start. Why don't you put that on your Good Morning Missouri fucking wake up broadcast, bitch?” - THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

Bill Skarsgård’s reading of the line, “Take it!” will haunt me for years. His Pennywise proved to be surprisingly haunting and indelible. - IT

The film’s not great, but Christopher Plummer and Ridley Scott deserve all the “We’re Not Worthy’s” for pulling off the Great Kevin Spacey Replacement of 2017 in 9 days, and actually delivering a full-bodied, memorable character in the process. - ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD

A desperate thief uses his smarts to wheel his badly-injured brother out of the hospital in an impressive feat.  It shows a whip-smart mind in the body of  person with lost potential, and in a moment which proves this well-meaning guy just can’t get a break, it turns out he took the wrong person. - GOOD TIME

Michael Cera, even more villainous and sociopathic than he was in THIS IS THE END, and apparently channeling Tobey Maguire, freaked me out as a hateful, poker-playing celeb. - MOLLY’S GAME

Ok, people will be talking about the biplane scene forever, but nothing made me laugh more than Tiffany Haddish’s reading of this line:  “Girl, you can't get no infection in your booty hole! It's a booty hole!” - GIRLS TRIP

Bridget Everett, in a blazingly intense performance, sings the shit out of Lita Ford’s KISS ME DEADLY in a dive bar and transforms herself from comedienne to serious dramatic actor. - PATTI CAKE$

A crazed woman (Aubrey Plaza) barges in on the wedding of a social media friend and maces her for not getting on the invite list, giving the Facebook effect its full and insane due. - INGRID GOES WEST

A young woman, unable to take one more second of her overbearing, judgmental mother (Laurie Metcalf), surprisingly jumps out of a moving car. - LADY BIRD

Charlize Theron kicks one ass after another in a seemingly single shot (but not really), making this one of the greatest fight sequences ever filmed. - ATOMIC BLONDE

Algee Smith finds the heart of the story as a musician who struggles with his ambitions after a harrowing all-night encounter with racists cops. - DETROIT

Say what you will about the insanity that unspools, but Michelle Pfeiffer as the houseguest from hell was fun to watch and sorely missed when not onscreen. - MOTHER!

As Elton John’s ROCKET MAN plays on the radio, Bille Jean King (Emma Stone) and her new girlfriend Marilyn (Andrea Riseborough) drive in sun-dappled glory, their hair blowing around with each surprising gust of wind.  It’s a perfect evocation of the 70s. - BATTLE OF THE SEXES

After following around an imaginative, enterprising man (Michael Keaton as Ray Kroc) as he develops the most successful fast food chain in the world, and seeing his as a hero, he transforms into a terrible villain about halfway through, making us question the value of the American Dream. - THE FOUNDER

A suicidal Spud, his head covered in suffocating plastic, leans back in his chair and falls backwards off the top of a building, but a flash cut send him to the floor of his apartment where Renton (Ewan McGregor) slides under him to catch him.  One of the most imaginative, emotional cuts in a film I’ve seen this year. - T2 TRAINSPOTTING

Don’t heckle Kumail Nanjiani!  Holly Hunter WILL read you to filth by interjecting, “That is like saying that all frat boys wearing country club hats and Hawaiian shirts have shriveled up  tiny little dicks!” - THE BIG SICK

A young man throws himself down in the sand as bombs explode closer and closer to him. A spectacular feat of cinematography and muffled sound, and one of the greatest shots in cinema history. - DUNKIRK

A mother kicks the chair her little daughter sits in, sending her flying.  A sudden, impactful depiction of abuse. - I, TONYA

Tom Cruise emerges from a crashed plane, his face hilariously covered in cocaine. - AMERICAN MADE

A seemingly sweet young man (Barry Keoghan, my favorite new actor of the year) changes his entire demeanor and quickly, chillingly tells a doctor (Colin Farrell), in no uncertain terms, what is going to happen to him and his family. - THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEER

The best opening sequence award of the year easily goes to a film which mixed musical filmmaking with kinetic car chases and an endearing sense of rhythm. - BABY DRIVER

Eels creepily slither around a woman in a tub in an otherwise completely forgettable, indulgent film - A CURE FOR WELLNESS

Adam Sandler winningly loses his shit as he searches for a parking space. - THE MEYEROWITZ STORIES - NEW AND SELECTED

“See!  I took you on a safari!” exclaims Brooklyn Prince to her friend as they stand in front of a herd of cattle. - THE FLORIDA PROJECT

An ape, bigger than ever portrayed before, emerges out of nowhere and swats down helicopters like flies as the camera gloriously swirls around him.  It’s APOCALYPSE NOW’s famous attack scene, but this time the invaded kick the invaders’ asses. - KONG: SKULL ISLAND

A messy trainwreck of a person (Anne Hathaway) lugs a mattress around town and literally confronts her inner demons. - COLOSSAL

A major character unexpectedly spits up blood on another, in a shocking moment (and there are a few in this film) I’ll remember for a long time. - THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

French ACT-UP AIDS activists throw blood all over the offices of a pharmaceutical company, and heroically help change the speed at which drugs were approved for a population in desperate need of good news. - BPM

Despite being a thrilling adventure film, the quiet moments, such as the wonderful final shot of a woman walking out of a room and into the jungle, made this stirring yarn into something more internal and thoughtful. - THE LOST CITY OF Z

By this time, we’ve seen too many cars racing around, so instead we focus on the pleasure of seeing a dreadlocked Charlize Theron deliciously chewing the scenery from the evil lair of her jet, sending her into Faye Dunaway territory. - THE FATE OF THE FURIOUS

The unexpected death of a major star, as a gelatinous, alien creature slides down his throat, destroying him from the inside out in zero gravity, may feel straight out of the ALIEN textbook, but it’s memorable nonetheless. - LIFE

I’m usually not a sucker for Disney movie songs, but I have not been able to get EVERMORE out of my head ever since I saw the film, and I mean that in a really good way. - BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Same goes for Elvis Costello’s fantastic contribution with YOU SHOULDN’T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY, from a beautiful but not-great movie. - FILM STARS DON’T DIE IN LIVERPOOL

Instead of the chestburster, we get the backbreaker, and instead of John Hurt, we get a character we don’t care about…but it STILL manages to be freaky and cool in an otherwise execrable film. - ALIEN: COVENANT

Can we please distribute LICK MY ASS, DIANE t-shirts to every person on earth, or at least make it THE trending hashtag of the year?!! - I, TONYA

Gal Godot donning the titular, classic costume for the first time in the film, charges through the emotional No Man’s Land sequence and into our hearts. - WONDER WOMAN

A seemingly liberal father over-explains his love for Obama to his daughter’s new black boyfriend (Daniel Kaluuya), who makes the Dad feel ok about his issues with race.  It keenly pinpoints the struggle people of color have trying to make white people more comfortable about their discomfort. - GET OUT

Willem Dafoe’s Manager expertly takes charge of a potential child molester, demonstrating his heartwarming, soulful protection of the lovable but annoying little brats who live in his motel. - THE FLORIDA PROJECT

The camera whooshes from ground level to an overhead shot as a determined skater prepares for an important routine. - I, TONYA

Yes, the movie is an unholy mess, but Hong Chau’s “I go to Norway” speech is just a little masterpiece. - DOWNSIZING

Feet moving on red splotches of sand as they battle with their light sabers. - STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI

A return to the iPhone footage he used in TANGERINE pays off perfectly in the final sequence, a rush of imagination, and a surprising and unforgettable place to take your little survivor of a main character, even if it’s potentially just a fantasy.  It doesn’t change the fact that a neglected but loved little girl wants a little escape. - THE FLORIDA PROJECT

[easyobsession]

DWTS24: WEEK 6 (LO RECAPS)

I have got shit to do. Term papers to write, end of the semester shit to finish up, major family stuff going on, my newfound obsession with Sons of Anarchy, and a WWE Payperview this weekend. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

And yet here my ass is typing this up for all of you at 1Am. Because after what went down tonight, I’m hot and ready to go all Lima Heights up in this shit and I gotta get it out.

So here we go. This recap turned rant starts right fucking now.

*I’ve given up listening to the judges. I don’t even watch their comments 99.9% of the time anymore. At this point they could replace them with monkeys and I’d be cool. Just an FYI. Though I do adore Nick Carter and wish he’d won his season. (See my season 21 recaps)

SIMONE AND SASHA. SAMBA. 9899=35/40.

As far as costuming goes, I think this is the best she’s looked all season. Absolutely stunning. The boots took away from the footwork though. Technically it looked good, though she messed up a few times. To me it looked more like a dance you’d see the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders (shoutout to Melissa Rycroft- haaay!) do at halftime though. She was too smiley and struck her poses too hard.

BONNER AND SHARNA. RUMBA. 8877=30/40.

HIS FACE DOESN’T CHANGE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. IT’S ALWAYS THE SAME. HAPPY, SAD, SEXY, ANGRY, STRESSED- IT’S ALL IDENTICAL. But aside from that… he did better than I expected, tbh. It wasn’t great. Worth a 7. Stiff, his hands looked like they were trying to hold her head like a basketball, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. And Nick and Sharna’s friendship (DO NOT GET ME STARTED OR ASK ABOUT A FIC, I’M TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE) always makes me beam. But the cowboy needs to go.

NANCY AND ARTEM. PASO. 9888=33/40.

Okay. First of all, a few notes on set and aesthetics: the flashing lights were distracting as hell. The color of her dress didn’t work at all, and the cage thing at the beginning sucked. It seemed like she got a little flustered this week- I didn’t see the package for this one btw, and overall it was just… okay. I know she can do better. It just felt more like everything got too hectic in the arrangement.

NICK AND PETA. JIVE. 7777=28/40.

He tried. Peta looked fucking gorg. I don’t even know what happened in the middle. Too slow and boring. Next.

NORMANI AND VAL. SALSA. 1010810=38/40.

I’m sitting here typing this up and watching these videos back and I literally am about to stand up. THAT IS A FUCKING DANCE. FIERCE AND ATTITUDE AND POWER AND THOSE HAIR FLIPS. She was fluid and her movements all connected- it didn’t look like she was doing a series of poses like Simone. This is what I’m talking about. This is what we want. THIS IS A GODDAMN DANCE. EVERYTHING. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I AM SO DAMN PROUD. Also, Len can see himself out. BYEEE.

DAVID AND LINDSAY. ARGENTINE TANGO. 7877=29/40.

Couldn’t see the package for this one either. Goddammit Youtube . But I’m in a hurry so whatever. Loved the choreo. Lindsay = a star. Obv. What I like about David is that he seems like the most relatable of the stars this season. It’s like watching your dad or your uncle or your neighbor- he seems like a regular dude. He’s not incredible, but he does his best. Almost dropped Lindsay, but otherwise the tricks looked good. Is he ever gonna be incredible? No. But I like watching him anyway. And I think he did just fine.

RASHAD AND EMMA. TANGO. 91099=37/40.

Didn’t see the package. I want his jacket. Love Emma’s bangs. Pretty good, though instead of looking away from her it looked like he was staring at the ceiling, which was distracting. But overall pretty good. I’m 95% sure at this point he’s going to win the season. We’ll get to that later.

HEATHER AND MAKS. RUMBA. 10101010=40/40.

“Played like a star, danced like a champion.” That says it all. I saw it. I saw the story in front of me. She looks like a fucking professional. That is it. Done.

TEAM BOY BAND. FREESTYLE. 8988=33/40.

The package was gold. I was dying. I want to hang out with them. As for the routine… it started off less than impressive. Then they got to the chairs and my jaw actually dropped. Literally. I was a little uncomfortable to be perfectly honest. It looked like a strip show. Carrie Ann is actual garbage but what else is new and I’m pretty sure Rashad was the only one to get a minute on his own. Overall it was out of sync and kind of a mess. They tried, but it flopped and the costumes didn’t look good either. I liked the end though. Oh, and RNB+D? Seriously?

TEAM GIRL GROUP. FREESTYLE. 8989=34/40.

“Simone, put your hands on my ass.” Oh my god. “At this point I could put on a tutu and you could call me Mary. …Don’t call me Mary. And I’m not gonna put on a tutu.” Oh MY GOD.  And now to the dance. I’m going Grey’s Anatomy here. ….seriously? SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY. WHO CHOREOGRAPHED THIS? What the hell? The beginning was awful and way too staged and awkward, the sexy part was almost cringe worthy, and then suddenly they’re doing kicks and getting into hold? Also, the mix of both teams songs was downright deserving of imprisonment, because they both sucked. I appreciated each duo getting a second in the spotlight but… This was NOT GOOD. I’m shocked and so disappointed. Oh my lord. An actual mess.

THE ELIMINATION:

I mean… I’m beyond words. Like, there’s red hot fire and then there’s white hot. Blistering. That is where I’m at. Not pissed, not upset- it’s fury. Like, I’m still in shock.

Let’s talk for a second.

I’m going all the way back. I’m starting at season One. Oh yeah, that’s how bad I’ve lost it.

Joey McIntyre. Drew Lachey. Mario Lopez. Monique Coleman. Joey Fatone. SABRINA BRYAN. Mel B. Mario. Marissa Jaret Winokur. Lance Bass. Lil Kim. Mya. NICOLE SCHERZINGER. Brandy. Roshon Fegan. Zendaya. Elizabeth Berkley. Corbin Bleu. Amber Riley. MERYL DAVIS. ALFONSO RIBERO. Nick Carter. Wanya Morris. Normani.

All dance experience. I’ll excuse a few like Nick and such because while they did dance, they weren’t “dancers.” And Meryl and Charlie technically didn’t dance beforehand though they were trained by Derek for a period of time. Whatever. A good portion of that list made/makes a living dancing as part of their lives.

This show, believe it or not, is not based 110% in reality. It is a television show. It is for celebrities that have never ballroom danced before to pair up with a pro and learn a routine each week to perform for America. We have people like Geraldo Rivera and Kenny Mayne who couldn’t find a beat if it ran them over with a car, and we have the Alfonso Riberos and Corbin Bleus who grew up moving to music.

It does not fucking matter.

Despite my continued long ass rant, I have no words.

She didn’t deserve this.

I love David. Bonner, meh. Nick has actually impressed me though I’m still positive he’s a douchebag. Nancy is great. But they’re not better than her.

Rashad is a contender I didn’t see coming. We knew Normani and Simone would be lit.

Those are your final four.

I didn’t expect her to win, if I’m being honest. And now more than ever, since that Contemporary, I’m pretty damn certain it’ll go to Rashad. Which, I mean, good for Emma.

But I am honest with these reviews. I have no reason not to be. All I wanted was for Val to get his overdue win and he and Rumer earned it, but Riker and Allison were by far my favorites. I wanted Nick to beat Bindi even though she was the better dancer. And while I wanted Laurie to take the title, James and Sharna stole my heart.

Heather is the best one there. And the fact that she doesn’t get to at least make it to the end and experience this entire journey, even if she got fourth, really says something.

If this is as unfair as everyone keeps saying, fine. If she’s as good as Allison, then bring her on as a pro next season. Let’s go.

I don’t know if it’s America or TPTB, but… I’m in awe.

I’m in awe.

(This is my metaphorical mic drop)

-done

[themanguidemg]

TMG’s 5 Best Albums Of August 2017

After a slow start, August got swamped in it’s third week which brought us releases by UNKLE, War On Drugs, A$AP Mob, and a few others. As solid as they were, none of those albums made our list due to the high quality of other releases. I’m not exaggerating, some of these month’s picks might easily end up on a lot of Top 10 AOTY lists. Even though they didn’t make the list, I gotta shout out a few dope albums. Action Bronson dropped arguably his best Blue Chips project. Danie Caesar’s Freudian was a great R&B album that definitely delivered from top to bottom. Three Oh Sees’s Orc is a must listen for fans of experimental rock. It borders on all sorts of genres such as alt metal, punk, etc. Also, if you didn’t catch Kendrick’s VMA performance, do so right now.

Enough talk, here are TMG’s 5 best albums of August.

Sean Price – Imperius Rex

(Album Of The Month)

It’s been two years since the world lost Sean Price, one of underground rap’s most respected MCs. The artist formerly known as Ruck was working on this album at the time of his untimely death. Due to that there was a time when I feared the album may not be released, or even worse, a half-assed half finished project would drop. Instead we are treated to an album that gives the best that Sean P was, and album that ranks among his best and one of the hardest projects of 2017. Let’s be real, Imperius Rex is less of a solo album and more of a team project. According to his Bernadette Price, his wife, Sean was only 4 songs into the making of this album. It was through her guidance, and that of Dru Ha with the entire Duck Down family, that this album was completed.

A well arranged audible beatdown is handled by a lot of P’s previous collaborators such as Alchemist, Nottz, Harry Fraud, among others. They give Imperius Rex the boom bap foundation that Sean P shines over with punishing verses. Lyrically, P’s wordplay remains untouchable and as always he has moments that are equally hard body and humorous. On the album’s eponymous opener, P spits “Ruckus rule shit, get down when the tool click/Tool spit back, impact is like a mule kick/P nice and funky fire/I will fuck you up, He cypher monkey cypher/Medicated, dedicated bastard/Level elevated, tame the educated rapper”. Ridiculous lyrics such as this fuels the album and epitomizes one of the many reasons why Sean P was an underground super hero to rap fans.

Posthumous albums have rarely been anything more than a cash grab, but not this one. Bernadette and the Duck Down team managed to release a project that would make Sean P more than proud. Easily one of his best albums from any stand point. Imperius Rex is a bittersweet gift to rap fans, one of the best albums of the year from an artist who is no longer with us. R.I. P!

Stand Out Tracks: Dead Or Alive, Refrigerator P!, Rap Professor.

Manchester Orchestra – A Black Mile To The Surface

A friend who shares a similar taste in music hit me up earlier this summer and told me I had to listen to Manchester Orchestra. I’ve been familiar with the name for a few years but sadly never really sat down and gave them the full listen they deserved. Seeing as how they had a new album about to drop a few weeks later, I decided to wait until this release to really check them out. Even though I’m unfamiliar with their previous work, I don’t regret waiting one bit. I normally dive into an artists past work as soon as I realize I’m into them, but right now I’ve been too preoccupied with A Black Mile To The Surface. Even with as many listens as I’ve given it, this album has enough layers and too much to offer and I can guarantee that it will have grown on me much more by year’s end.

I’ll start off with the most obvious reason I love this album, the production is pretty fucking flawless. From the opening number, The Maze, we are greeted by Andy Hull’s soulful vocals and a gospel like chorus drowned in reverb that bleeds right into his own. The instrumentation through out in brilliantly mixed, such as the way the hook explodes on Lead, SD. One of the most standout features in this album is how effortlessly tracks transition from one into the next. The sound design in the transition which features static and background chatter smooths out the listening experience tenfold and creates a truly enjoyable listening experience. Combine all this with beautifully written lyrics and grandiose production through out every track and you have an album that doesn’t deserve to be picked apart into individual songs but explored as a whole. A Black Mile To The Surface is a phenomenal album and I’m kicking my own ass for sleeping on Manchester Orchestra for so damn long.

Stand Out Tracks: The Moth, Lead, SD, The Alien

Queens Of The Stone Age – Villains

Josh Homme is one of rock’s most brightest renaissance men. A year after producing Iggy Pop’s Post Pop Depression, he takes a backseat in one of his many bands, Queens Of The Stone Age. This time, Homme hands over the reins to Mark Ronson. Ronson is one of the most renown names behind some of music’s biggest talents. From Amy Winehouse to Bruno Mars, Ronson has taken over the pop landscape in the past few years, yet he has never worked with someone as heavy as QOTSA. Villains is the result of these two talents colliding. Keep in mind that QOTSA have always had dance rock tendencies and that base sound gives plenty for Ronson to work with.

The immediate connection is seen on the album’s first single, The Way You Used To Do, a riff heavy ear worm that stomps its way through the speakers. The album’s opener also deserves high praise, as it is one of the best QOTSA songs ever. Feet Don’t Fail Me Now briefly details Josh Homme’s desire to keep moving and make music as it calls to him. “Time to go, regret it later, we’re gon’ take it as it comes/ Future tense meets middle finger, we take the long way home.” he calls out on the song’s final verse. In ways, this might be Homme’s most personal QOTSA project. Villains’ most melodic track, Fortress, finds Homme giving poetic advice to his kids in times of crisis: “Every fortress falls, it is not the end/ It ain’t if you fall but how you rise that says who you really are…” Villains is not as good as Like Clockwork… or Songs For The Deaf, yet it remains a solid effort on a a pair of great discographies for both Homme and Ronson.

Stand Out Tracks: Feet Don’t Fail Me Now, The Way You Used To Do, Fortress

Brand New – Science Fiction

The past few years have been bizarre for Brand New fans. It’s been eight years since they’re last album, Daisy. In between, there have been rumors, RIP t-shirts, new singles, breakup announcements, etc. All this made it seem like their fifth LP was becoming more and more of a myth. Then out of nowhere, a schedules October release date, which led to a completely surprise album release in the middle of August. The few so-called singles that the band had released are nowhere to be found in this LP, instead choosing to give their fans 12 brand new Brand New songs.

Science Fiction is a departure from Daisy, which was considered their heaviest and darkest release. But they’ve always been a band that celebrates growth, with every release a further change in sound from their pop punk roots. In a melodic sense, Science Fiction ties itself closer to their biggest critically acclaimed release, The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Of Me, but takes it one step further. There are no post-hardcore screams, and even in it’s hardest moments, it’s tame in comparison to previous albums. What Science Fiction offers an acoustic guitar taking the lead in most songs and Jesse Lacey’s vocals at their most tender. The melancholic tone of the album can’t help but feel as a final swan song for the Long Island rockers as their career fades to black. Whether this is really Brand New’s last album or not, they’ve left a legacy that most bands will never achieve, and a stellar final project.

Stand Out Tracks: Can’t Get It Out, Same Logic/Teeth, 451

BROCKHAMPTON – Saturation 2

Only two months after their first release this year, the Texas rappers drop the sequel in their Saturation trilogy, aptly titled Saturation 2. In case you’re out of the loop, BROCKHAMPTON is a 15 man collective and one of the best young crews in hip hop today. The group has been hard at work ever since Kevin Abstract’s vice series, American Boyband, placed a spotlight on them. Production is once again almost exclusively handled by Romni Hemnani who provides some cohesiveness across the sixteen tracks with bouncy rhythms through out. Whether it’s Ameer Vann’s syrup like monotone flow, Kevin Abstract’s animated delivery, or Meryl Wood’s Jamaican ODB-like shouts, the diversity in each member’s flow gives the group it’s unique identity.

The album starts out on fire with GUMMY; a neck breaking beat serves as a backdrop for all the BH members to shine over sinister keys and a high pitched synth that pierces through your headphones. Out of the whole crew, Ameer and Kevin deliver the best performances through out the album, and they each get a short solo track to demonstrate this such as Ameer’s emotional verse on TEETH. But as strong as their individual verses are, they are strongest when their chemistry shines together. SWEET has the crew at their all around best with upbeat production as Dom McLennon’s wordplay weaves in seamlessly “The original lick-splickety, higher than Yosemite/ Breaking the mold mentally, master with no limiting/ Making ’em say “ugh!”” With their 2nd release this year and almost a dozen videos, BROCKHAMPTON aims to over-saturate the viral hip hop market with quality and originality, and part 3 is only a few weeks away.

Stand Out Tracks: GUMMY, JUNKY, SWEET

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