#fuck nick cannon tho

[sageispunk]

I FOUND ONE

[jgyapologism]

ray is self destructing and i dont blame him for taking the others down with him. his "friends" are always making him feel like the odd one out, the unlovable one, and always making him out to be a joke. it's gotta fuck with his already fucked up self image and self esteem and that outburst he had has probably been building up for YEARS. i dont blame him for it at all. even when he went after sand - i think he was a little angry at sand too, both for keeping the recording secret for as long as he did and maybe a bit about not being honest with ray about his feelings. (he's given sand multiple opportunities to be honest and sand just...hasn't. which i also don't blame sand for, but i'm sure it's frustrating for ray, especially on top of everyone always reminding him he's single, to be reminded that sand seemingly doesn't care enough to even develop feelings for him.)

now that ray is self destructing, he's allowing what everyone's already told him (he's single, unlovable, a loner) to become true by pushing everyone away, including sand. ray has INTERNALIZED all of their shit and now he's at his boiling point. he thinks he deserves to be alone - the proof is in mew, in sand, and in what cheum/april/boston always say to him. so what's he gonna do? he's gonna destroy his relationships with them. because what they say must be true, right? may as well act like a loose cannon, an emotional drunk, and fulfill their expectations of you, right?

it's called self fulfilling prophecy, and ray is a pure textbook case at this point.

anyways fuck boston fuck cheum fuck april fuck top the only characters i want to interact with ray are mew (he's on thin fucking ice tho), sand, and sand's mom. nick is a question mark at the moment but i'll allow it.

[peterparkersnose]

Last of Us Spoilers Episode 3

—————————

Joel’s broken hand in the rocks seemed so sad. rip tess

kumbaya he’s stacking the rocks now

Ellie with Joel’s jacket as a blanket awwe

I love how Ellie is bothering Joel it’s so cannon I love it

5 MILE HIKE??? my feet would be hurting. i don’t get out much cant you tell?

ELLIE WHY are you opening that shit in the gas station??? Close the mystery door please!

TF SHE GETTING IN FOR?

nvm tampons

the infected scared the shit out of me

why is she dissecting it miss girl this ain’t a science class

they never mentioned tampons in the game, i’m so happy they finally addressed it somehow

HEY i remember that shot from the first teaser pic! i legit thought it was fake too for the longest time. nope deja vu

mass graves tho like it makes sense. sad.

BRO THEY GOT TO MAKE THAT TRANSITION FROM THE DEAD PPL CLOTH TO WHEN THEY WERE ALIVE ouch

for what

Nick Offerman as Bill 10/10 casting

Bill was fucking prepared goddamn

at least someone had a good time during the apocalypse

THE TRAPS! so disappointed we didn’t get much from that tho.

the ‘don’t tread on me’ flag and he’s gay? (when worlds collide)

Frank is adorable

All I see is Ron Swanson in Bill IM SORRY

Frank is so wholesome I love this sun and moon trope going on

KISS! First kiss in this show that’s been GOOD (traumatic flashbacks to last week’s kiss)

Love in the apocalypse tho i mean meeting someone like that- wow. beautiful.

This is so sweet, I hate that I know what’s coming

OHMYGOD TESS AND JOEL? AT DINNER?

loving domestic joel

tess looked so beautiful and happy it makes her death even worse

i’m obsessed with how they aged the characters. beautifully of course.

“If… mine,” Joel describing Tess

Loving 2011 Joel. Gives us more of a backstory I love it.

Bill all dressed up for Frank’s friends awwe

2014 Strawberries i love this sm

“Not on the strawberries!” LMAO

Yo now there pee paws, so cute

I love how there taking care of eachother in old age

Pretty sure frank has ms. so sad.

why am i crying this is so sad

“get married” i’m done bye tears

better ending than franks game ending for sure

THIS SHOW DESERVES A FUCKING EMMY

double suicide?

i will say the missed out chance on batshit bill gameplay is sad

hot take not enough interaction with infected so far, i wanna see joel go feral on some runners

Joel got his car at least

I’m so sad it’s different from the game but I loved Frank and Bill’s love story

More audio I recognize from the game! Joel’s Rules! LOVE

ELLIE GOT HER SHIRT

Showering omg i bet you joel smells like ass

SHOWERED JOEL he looked so handsome with his hair wet slicked back

bro ellie doesn’t know what a seatbelt is

Episode 3 10/10

[class-1b-bull]

What are your head cannons for kamakiri?

Ik he has had like 5 minutes of screentime, but that doesn't stop me from obsessing over him

I just think he's angry and neat :))

I honestly adore Kamakiri sm! Im so glad you asked for this!

Heres some Togaru Kamakiri headcanons! <3

Hes very aggressive and hard to approach but he turns into an excited little kid if you ask him about bugs (he tries to hide it tho)

He uses his quirk for cutting food instead of actual kitchen utensils. That habit has caused way to many problems in the past.

I feel like he would really be into wood carving.

I mean he has a nick (idk how to spell it lol) for carving things and the blades of his quirk can be different shapes so... idk i just think hed be good at it.

Hes very loud and brash but thats why I think he would be a good therapist. Like imagine your telling him about some problem in your life and he just screams "Bitch what?!" At the top of his lungs XD

He really likes playing call of duty and other games like that.

Not because he likes first person shooter games but because he likes to cuss out 12 year olds in the lobby <3 its very therapeutic.

Other than that tho i cant see him playing many other videogames.

I feel like hes strangely good at chemistry and any other science class but don't ask him for help. He'll just say a bunch of words you dont know and you will learn litterally nothing.

Well versed in the language of plants and flowers but would rather die than let anyone know that.

Hes either an only child or the oldest of like 7 kids, no in between.

I dont think kids would like him very much because of his 'scary' appearance, hes not a vig fan of kids but stuff like that gets to him sometimes </3

He moves a lot in his sleep. Like he will fall asleep on his back in bed all nice and cozy and wake up in the fucking hallway somehow?!

Doesn't like the taste of coffee.

I litterally love him sm

Not proofread o7

[redlexx]

Okay so rook (my main sole ) he loves the concept of being loved by maxson as does maxson love the concept of him

Rook would of loved to stay and figure things out with maxson but he realised no matter how hard he pushed maxson wouldn't change so when danse is revealed as a synth he takes it as a chance to leave

[mot-hesbian]

The way I had 3 viable lesbian couples there, right in front of me, in a single franchise....

And I ended up shipping the fucked up, toxic, straight, manipulate mansplain malewife ship so fucking hard....wow

Just wow. I think I need my lesbian card revoked

This is the first time I've been a fan of the problematic white man in media and it's probably the one fandom where most fans call him the fuck out. Which, my guys, valid, he's a horrible person and deserved what he got (still say she should've been the one to dole out the punishment though). Like, fundamentally, he's terrible, he deserves to rot in hell or whatever it is that happened after he died, but at the same time he is my skringle skrongle boy.

I just think it's fun to ship toxic messed up shit (even if I usually don't) as long as you acknowledge it for what it is or openly admit that the wholesome fluff you wrote is wildly ooc, cannon divergent, and/or a fix-it fic/rewrite.

Also, it's a very spicy ship, very much fucked dynamics and no rules. He manipulates, but she has all the control because he's a boneless sack of meat just laying there at his feet.

Fml guys.

TL;DR: Sameena, Calice, and Hannah/Sarah, all cannon or cannon adjacent couples, were given to me on a silver platter. And I chose Nick and Ziggy bc of fucking course I did (still a huge Calice fan tho)

[sodiumsorbae]

DnDads characters in the Soul Eater Universe

Hi, I'm having a weeb moment, so lets put these guys in my favourite anime starting with the dads, natch

Darryl: absolutely a weapon. Something heavy and probably blunt, maybe brass knuckles, but more likely just your standard club or truncheon Henry: Henry is a meister, he probably sticks to mid range, or support. But if he was a weapon, i reckon he'd be a little extra, like a military fork or trident Glenn: nunchucks jkjkjk he'd be something utterly rediculous like a fucking cannon, and he'd be his own meister like Justin and that awful chainsaw guy Ron: idk, i wanna say boomerang tho, or one of those weapons that was designed to look cool but has zero functionality Sons now! Grant: Meister. specialising in long range fighting (because sniper). If he was a weapon he'd be a sniper rifle, or, to be less obvious, a meteor hammer Lark and Sparrow: It could go either way for these two, but i think it would be more interesting if they were both weapons and frequently swapped who was weilding. Lark would be some rediculous two handed anime axe, and Sparrow would be some kind of hatchet. Nick: No doubt he'd be a meister! a cool, close range sword fighter! if he was a weapon he'd be that silly long japanese sword Trafalgar Law has. Terry: You know my boy is a meister, absolutely a cut to the chase, shortsword specialist. But as a weapon, some kind of gun, a revolver probs.

Thats all for now, maybe i'll do s2/side chars in a bit, but, thats all for now. I didn't include Narc because, well i forgot he existed.

[the-unknown-void]

Dysfunctional Shephard Siblings (Heavy Headcanoning)

I love them, Mitchell(HDTF), Adrian, and Alice(OC) They all kinda want to kill each other, uh- Mainly Mitchell I mean, yeah it’s really just Mitchell they want to kill.

Mitchell(He/Him): Struggles with lacking sympathy/empathy, he often can’t conceptualize the effects of his actions which leads to making quite a few stupid decisions or doing bad things and being confused when people are upset with him. He was hella homophobic when he was younger, main issue- He is gay, so actually he was just hating himself. He still hates himself to this day but for way more and bigger reasons. Nick is literally the one thing keeping him in one piece these days. I can literally never decide whether he’s younger, older, or twin of Adrian

Alice(She/They): Was the favorite child, thought her older brothers died when they never came back again. She made the choice to join Civil Protection to live slightly above bare-minimum. Unfortunately this made even her parents turn away from her and she became isolated for her actions. Eventually becoming a total shell of her former self as years went on. She was mostly guard around Nova Prospekt until Mitchell made the deal with the Combine, then ended up on his ship. And she hates it there, and she thinks Mitchell is an annoying asshole.

Adrian(He/They): Used to be pretty rambunctious as a kid, he and Mitchell liked to rough-house even though he would always kick Mitchell’s ass. (He got more chill as he got older) He started seeing the G-Man somewhere around when training for the H.E.C.U started, and let me tell you- He does NOT take being watched too well, he becomes paranoid from it and.. it just gets worse from there, the guy already had bad mental issues but now he’s just slowly going insane, and THEN the Black Mesa incident happens and uh,, Yeah he becomes sort of unhinged and a loose cannon at this point. He’s taken in by lesbian scientists tho(Gina and Colette) so that’s good. Oh yeah his gas mask basically became a comfort item to him because I said so

Apparently my idea of Adrian isn’t far off based on what I’ve heard about Marines being kind of unhinged.. And if you couldn’t tell, I yeeted Mitchell’s original “childhood story” from HDTF cuz 1. Didn’t like it, and mostly 2. I already had headcanons for Adrian’s family/homelife and I didn’t wanna change them.

Mitchell do be hella committed to things he sets his mind to no matter how long it takes which like dude,, you’ve gotta give em some credit, that’s something I could never do, how do you keep a commitment to a goal for 20 fucking years!!??

I have so many little tiny headcanons for these guys, like things that are totally meaningless and have 0 weight on ANY story But here’s a silly n cute one: When Adrian and Mitchell got bored enough in the house, they would sometimes sit down with their little sister as she watched like MLP or something. They know the MLP lore because of it lmao

Sorry I just kinda wanted to talk about these fellas, I tried not to get too deep into them, just wanted to ramble a lil’ bit.

[mikuplushes]

nick im dying to know your thoughts on elsewhere

completely unfiltered here i go!

first some praise

skeleton is the best song on the album and one of my favorite sio songs of all time

magic 8 fucks!!!!!!!!

playing with bad luck is one of their all time best songs. fucking visceral

i think people who don’t like why do i are just allergic to pop music and probably don’t like upside down. it’s so much fun!!!! serotonin machine sound-wise!!!! also cody’s strongest vocal moment in any sio song he’s fucking AWESOME

simply by the title, taste of the good life feels like it wouldnt be that good of a song but i REALLY like it, it’s so fun to listen to

i like it less than i thought i would but it has definitely grown on me since the release

who’s in control was a risk but it’s really cool to see them make a song that sounds like that!!! i like it

catch a break sounds different than i thought it would from that one thing cody posted and i liked it less than i thought i would but that hasnt stopped me from still becoming violently attached to the lyrics so i still REAAAALLY like the song

and now some criticisms

not a huge fan of the color scheme and the album cover is a little bit ugly fjjsd

i think they chose to do a multiple-color scheme instead of just one color as they previously had as like a symbolic theme and because everyone kept trying to guess which One color they’d want to do but they coulda chosen better colors 😔

i think aesthetically they tried to be unique and unintentionally ended up doing the opposite bc literally one time i walked into forever 21 and looked at the clothes went “wow welcome to elsewhere i guess”

maxx really could have come up with more of his own ideas but he did a bit of borrowing without crediting,,

the lore thing they’re trying to pull is not clearly organized and hard to follow unless you’re deep into it, which a lot of fans don’t have the energy to do. it’s hard for an average fan to consume like surface-level. plus the way they’ve been pulling it out so gradually it was quick for people to lose interest in the concept. the fact that three seemingly characters didn’t show up until the third music video was not a good decision. there wasn’t enough to hold a lot of people’s attention up to that point

loose cannon had the potential to be even better than it already is, it could have gone even harder! no i will not elaborate on this one but it is still one of my favorites on the album it gets me GOING

them + their label thought elsewhere would be more successful than this but also like. so did i! but they’ve been uh. making some interesting decisions lately and idk who’s influence it is but some fans are definitely feeling alienated by it, myself included

most sio ballads arent my personal cup of tea because im just generally not a fan of ballads and better than this is my least favorite thus far sorry not sorry

peekaboo needed more drums in the verses. more energy. vibe-wise it feels like the hourglass of the album and i have the same criticism for hourglass. i love the lyrics tho

not a fan of as good as it gets oops

ok i think thats just about everything. it sounds pretty harsh toward the end there huh gjdjskwk i still like the album though

[jehovahhthickness]

thank you, so so much. ex fiance keeps pressing that we work on fixing the relationship tho. we have 2 kids, 2 yr old girl, 1 yr old boy. And girl he got 6 other kiddos and they all have their own mom. He tryna hold on for dear life, but i dont want to be w him. And he refuses to accept that.

Nope. Who the fuck does he think he is? Nick Cannon?

You deserve better.

[yankyo]

Since you reposted that fangs with cum post, do you have any head cannons for a vampire Beetlejuice? Safe for work and some sexy time too please ;)

Mmmm Vampire Beej,,,,,, mmmmm

----

Sfw

Beej has some serious chompers and no one can convince me otherwise ok

Vampire beej tho?? Some big ass teefers

They sharp as fuck so it's highly likely that he causes some serious damage if he accidentally bites his tongue or cheek

Has been mid conversation and paused, blood dribbling past his lips as an exasperated expression crossed his face before spitting something into his hand. 

He will offer it to you. It a chunk of his tongue, he just likes to freak people out with it, it's fine, it's already growing back 

He does have to be careful when smooching his significant other, because them fangs will cut you. Sometimes will will the fangs away just so he can have a blood free make out - sometimes doesn't cuz let's be real, blood kink 

Is not a vampire who will pass on the curse easily though, he's lived such a long life and knows how hard it can get, especially when you're alone. He will only turn a person with explicit permission and on top of that, it has to be a life or death situation 

He prefers blood straight from the vein, but will tide himself over with an odd visit to the blood bank. He will feed off his s/o, but very sparingly. You aren't a food source, you're his babes 

Calls you all sorts of stupid pet names including, but not limited to: baby bat, dracubabes, leech lover, welches 100% real fruit fruit juice. He loves you 

Definitely has more traditional vampire abilities like shapeshifting, mind control and flight 

Huge weakness to the sun and needs permission to enter home. If at any point, you revoke permission, he will be flung from your home and into the Netherworld 

Nsfw 

B l o o d  K i n k

Loves liking blood from your lips, will nick your lip with his fang mid kiss and pull back to see the lovely sight

When he bites you, the sensation is blissful, you have definitely spent a night grinding on his thigh as he fed from you, and he will make sure you cum for him as many times as your body can handle 

Super strength and speed? Um yea, he can pick you up with one hand and have you against the wall before you can even finish saying "fuck me", where did your pants go? Does it matter? He's dicking you down so fast and hard and it's so fucking good so maybe it doesn't? 

Leaves marks and is so fucking proud of them ok 

Loves biting your thighs especially, when he sees those little half moon scars on your thighs, he will let out a little growl and trace them with his tongue 

Head game 100. Dude. Cum on his fangs? Cum AND Blood? Yes pls and thnks

Aftercare so good too, licks away all your wounds and cuddles with you as you settle down from the high of feeding and cumming so many times 

Say his name. Pls. Pls say his name. Especially his full name, no one has aid it in so many years and he will nut when you look up at him with eyes filled with lust and call him Lawrence Beetlejuice Shaggoth 

[a9saga]

i have been greedy in this pandemic. i must confess. i am ashamed.

it hasn’t been toilet paper. or any necessity, or common food. i’ve been clearin entire shelves worth of marmalade.

i have a problem with the stuff. i’ve turned to that citrus jammy goodness to cope with stress before. my friends and family tried to intervene after the 2016 election. the stress of both life and world events got to me. i skipped the toast. i started eatin the stuff on its own with a spoon.

i cut down on marmalade consumption during the airing of ABC’s Boy Band in summer 2017. watching that show was a new way of cheering myself up. thursday at 6 o’clock i’d be watching the news, hearing about robert mueller’s investigation. i’d be so stressed out, spoon busy, marmalade trickling down my chin. my family members would sometimes get so sick seeing me eat the stuff they’d leave the room. “you’re disgusting, kaily,” my mother would say to me. “you gotta push through. this isn’t solving any problems... and wipe your fucking face.”

then 7 o’clock would hit. ABC’s Boy Band comes on. a smile creeps onto my sticky, starry-eyed face. and i’d do something significant without even meaning to -- i’d put the marmalade jar back on the coffee table.

my mother returned hearing me sob. she was surprised to find it was out of joy, and she smiled. and again, before i’d realize it, she did something i didn’t notice. she picked up the jar of marmalade and she put it back in the fridge. i didn’t pick up on it until the Two Hour Series Premiere had ended.

by the time In Real Life had formed, i was off the jar completely. i didn’t take out my jar of marmalade to watch tv. my face and diet were cleaner than ever. course, i’d indulge in some marmalade on social occasions, but only on toast, every now and then when everybody else was havin some. i didn’t take it too far anymore. i just didn’t need to.

in 2017, though, i suppose there just weren’t as many others coping with their stress over Cute Boys Singing And Dancing. ABC’s Boy Band wasn’t renewed for a second season, and In Real Life was the only boy band the show would spawn. it was okay though. the kind of help i got from that was enough to curb my marmalade habit.

in 2019 came The Masked Singer on Fox. and as i felt myself dealing with more stress going back to school and also because bloomberg was running for president, during the airing of its second season i turned to The Masked Singer on Fox to fill the kind of void that ABC’s Boy Band did. it was a healthy coping mechanism. i was pretty disappointed by butterfly and flower going home sooner than i thought they should have, but i still loved the show. i could manage.

but when season three premiered and when one of my Group A Faves, the Robot was announced to be the first unmasked, i thought that was some Unwarranted Bullshit considering that White Tiger did an unlikeable rendition of Ice Ice Baby, the quintessential Bad 90s White Boy Rap Song Where the Sample Does The Only Job of Making it Slightly Enjoyable at Some Points. when nick cannon announced that the Robot was going home, i felt some kind of tear in my security... i didn’t want the season to go on like this.

what made it worse was the reveal tho. i thought to myself, without too heavily considering the clues, that that voice sounded like *** ***** on his song “*** ** ****”. the clues would support it too, but i didn’t think it was really him. not because the panel went in entirely different directions, but because he was just too famous to be on The Masked Singer on Fox. he was hotter shit than anyone in seasons 1 and 2. and yet when the Robot mask came off, and i saw the face of *** ***** instead of ***** ********** or ****** ********* or fuckin **** *** *** ******* ***, i at first did not even process that i was correct. i thought, “that isn’t *** ***** is it?” because i was so astounded and disappointed to think it was. put that mask back on! he’s too famous!

turns out *** ***** going home first episode served as a metaphor first episode has served as an apt metaphor for how the rest of the season has rolled out so far. extremely mixed at best. two legends like ***** **** and ****** ******* going home before the Super Nine while White Tiger rides in there with shitty performances that maybe the live crowd has fun to but just look like absolute ass by the time it premieres to the viewers at home.

when White Tiger made it to the Super Nine, i must confess. i wanted to snuff it.... i started bringing a jar of marmalade to watch tv with again.

now enter THE QUARANTINE.

i can’t believe how low i’ve sunk. it isn’t just about my favorite tv show The Masked Singer on Fox anymore. the isolation has been bad on me. my last trips to the grocery store, i’ve wiped the shelves clean of marmalade. all marmalade, any brand i could find. my cart was overflowing. i got looks. some of pity, some of disgust.

i’m going through three jars a day, minimum. i’ve got probably about 60 jars in the pantry, at least five open in the fridge. i try to keep a jar of marmalade at any corner of the fridge where my eyes might just wander. i used to keep one in the fridge but sometimes it’d hide in plain sight.

i miss my friends. i’m worried about school and my family and the effects of total isolation on this capitalist economy. i’m scared of picking up the virus and giving it to someone else. i’m even more scared of running out of marmalade.

i don’t even use a spoon anymore. i drink it. i put my lips on the glass rim and let the chunky jam slide right in. i might dig my fingers in when the jar’s running low.

all of my shirts have orangey-yellow tinted stains on them. it’s not grease. i know what it is.

if you’ll excuse me, i’ve got to clean my sticky keyboard now.

[thingsreadinthedark]

Facts, bell hooks, facts.

Excerpt from The Will to Change — still reading. It’s expanding my dome. I’m tripped out by some of it, still. It’s the accuracy, it’s the reality of childhood and that of those around me. It’s all facts but some of the book is triggering. Lessons are in here tho!

Can’t be looking towards Future, Dababy or Nick Cannon as any fucking role model. Nah yo. Sorry.

[heyhowyadoingpally]

close the doors, lock the windows, brush your hair and comb your teeth - it’s another pokemon review.

honestly i thought i’d be art least halfway through the first generation by now, but that’s clearly not the case. isn’t there some saying about how being slow and steady earns money? or does that only work for people who pretend to have a stroke on an airplane just so that they get compensation. that’s how it works, right? no? whatever. i’m not an expert on planes.

#007 - Mega: Squirtle Evolution

#007 - Squirtle

we had a grass starter, we had a fire starter, and now the water starter. the frist water starter in the entire franchise.

and, for being the first, it’s not bad; going with something like a turtle is a pretty safe decision. but it’s not just your average turtle - it stands on two fuckin legs. move over, ninja turtles; this terrapin is more bodacious than you green nerds will ever be.

it’s appearance is pretty simple and cute, which i’m not surprised by. i mean, again, it is the first stage of the evolution. it’s like a little baby. actually, it probably IS a little baby. minus the weird smells and the soft head.

speaking of babies, according to its pokedex entry in pokemon red and blue, after a squirtle is born its back “swells and hardens into a shell.” i know that they mean that its shell is probably very soft and squishy at first, but all i can imagine is this hideous growth forming on its back, complete with random eyeballs and useless fingers. maybe said growth talks to the squirtle in its sleep, telling them to kill the president or something. hey, i can dream, right?

overall? not bad. going the safe route for their first game is a wise decision.

#008 - Wartortle

alright. he’s not gonna win any awards for his design, but he’s not that bad. he actually looks like an older squirtle, so i’m not gonna complain.

the pokedex in red and blue state that it keeps its balance in the water by moving its ears. and according to the stadium pokedex, it stores air in the fur of its tail so it can dive for long periods of time. i’m not sure how those two correlate exactly.does it breathe from its tail? does it use the tail like a lung? or does all the air just collect and stay there? maybe it absorbs the oxygen into its bloodstream? fuck, i don’t know. i didn’t go to marine biology class when i really should have.

later pokedex entries seem to really hammer the point home that wartortle can live for a long time, somewhere around 10,000 years. i get where they’re coming from with that - some turtles and tortoises have lifespans that can reach 100 years, give or take. but 10,000 years? goddamn. i know that that’s pretty young compared to some of the other pokemon lifespans out there, but, still, 10,000 years has to be a shitty experience.

i mean, what if it had an owner and it outlives the owner? like, fuck, you watch everyone you love die. that’s just scary to think about.

#009 - Blastoise

i’m not sure exactly how you get from a small turtle with a swirly tail and wing-lookin ears to a fucking tank, but for the sake of these reviews (and the sake of the other batshit pokemon out there), i’m gonna suspend my disbelief.

blastoise seems to have shed all means of aesthetic features and instead favors fucking turrets coming out of his shoulders. what are those things made of??? bone?? chitin?? used straws???

if the thought of those fucking nuclear missile launchers isn’t jarring enough, many of its pokedex entries state that those things can shoot blasts of water with enough force to destroy concrete.

but that’s not what baffles me. what baffles me is how pokemon (or anyone, for that matter) could possibly withstand that much force without breaking a bone. it’s a proven fact that bones have enough strength and durability as fucking concrete. and yet this powerful blast of water only leaves a few nicks and scrapes???? does everyone have bones made out of fucking tungsten??? you could make the argument that blastoise makes sure that the water beam isn’t as powerful during a pokemon match, but what about in the fuckin wild? any of its natural predators would surly be baja blasted and have their fucking clavicles snapped, but that never happens!

at least, we never see it happen.

now, it shouldn’t be a shock that blastoise has a mega form, since the first some-odd pokemon evolutions in the national pokedex has megas. what are they gonna do to make this already-powerful creature even more powerful? make him 50 feet tall? give him lasers that shoot out of his urethra?

Mega Blastoise

...or they could just slap a fucking tank on him. i’ll give them credit, tho - they didn’t go overboard with the cannons and whathaveyou. actually, i thoroughly enjoy this design. as i’ve said before, the subtle touches go a long way. i mean, they made him just a tiny bit darker and gave him a pronounced chin, but it’s a lot better than having 30,000 spikes and maces attached to its shell.

moving the shoulder guns to the arms makes a lot of logical sense to me, actually. if he’s trying to defend himself, having all firepower (waterpower?) on the back area would only be focusing on one specific direction, but having firepower on the arms as well adds more versatility and flexibility.

am i making sense? probably not. is this going on for too long? yes.

RATING:

3.5/5 venonats. the whole evolutionary line isn’t that fancy, but having the first water starter be a turtle was a safe decision, and they did a decent job.

fuck, i’m tired.

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