#fuck last year i spent a lot of time depressed cause a lot of shit got burned for me but now we r healing

[actualredleader]

Flyers for the drag show i’m gonna be a part of and the first time i’ll be on stage came out today and im just so excited seeing my name on them <3

[piratefishmama]

venty vent

genuinely baffled at my mother sometimes. She's just been on holiday, had my sister look after her dogs for her while she was away and immedaitely upon returning found out why nobody should ever ask my sister to look after anything.

she trashed the house basically, out of my siblings, she is quite literally the messiest bitch out of all three of us, like i can be a lil chaotic but BOI, that woman left a full bag of dog shit at the top of my mothers stairs, thats how messy that dumbass is.

My mother, wants to go on holiday again next year, which fair enough, we could all do with a holiday, keep in mind this holiday cost me nearly £400 that she's still yet to pay me back, has ruined my whole time off work cause i now have nothing left to entertain myself with.

she's asked me to look after her dogs next time.

i've said no.

Because not only do i have my own dogs to look after who would probably starve if i left them that long, and i have a dad who literally can barely walk, an would also probably starve himself if i werent around, but where she lives is a dumpsterfire i want no part of, and NONE of her dogs are house trained in any way shape or form.

But here's where the chaos begins.

my mother doesnt like being told no. It's a lot of "AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE FOR YOU, DONT ASK ME FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN" BLAH BLAH BLAH etc. etc.

only. i dont ask anyone for anything. i've long since learned i dont get anything even if i ask for it, so I dont ask.

At this point, I would have straight up forgotten half my family existed if they didn't call me asking me for shit.

i dont ask for things.

The last time i genuinely asked her for something, was when i wanted someone to go with me to speak to a doctor about my depression getting worse, and she fucking forgot. I was waiting in the carpark for 20 minutes for her to turn up, she'd forgotten.

i get asked for my time, my fuel, my effort, my food, but mostly my money, i have to wear my clothes and my shoes down to TATTERS because i'm never sure if i'll have enough money each month to cover myself because inevitably, she will once again ask me for money the second i've spent something.

saying no isnt possible, she just asks, and asks, and asks and asks and pushes and pushes and pushes, and i'm just too tired to say no.

an if i do say no, i'm never sure whether or not she'll just refuse to pay phone bills she owes me because she's taken out phones in my name.

hell i didnt even ask for a souvenir from her holiday! i dont WANT anything from her, i dont want anything from anyone! I just wanna be left alone.

she'll conveniently forget all about this little tantrum the next time she needs money. i can guarantee it.

[ovaryacted]

A little announcement cause I have to be real with y’all.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been on the precipice of getting overwhelmed not just with writing but with my life as a whole. I’m falling behind at work with assignments that keep piling up and the past two weeks have just been a mess that derailed me. So I’ve been doing damage control trying to restart and get reorganized before it gets out of hand.

There are only 24 hours in the day, most of that time is spent working at my job and I work a busy and time consuming legal job where I can’t fuck around and scroll. I usually do that on my lunch break and disappear for the rest of the day, and now I’m picking up somebody else’s slack cause they quit, so their workload is going to be transferred to me, which is a lot as it is.

When I get home, it’s more stuff I have to deal with. I don’t always have time for myself. I live with my family who lack boundaries and who constantly need me so I’m always doing something for them (eldest daughter curse). I cover bills and expenses here and I’m usually forced to interact with extended family on the weekends so I don’t always get to enjoy them or use those two days productively to write. My household is noisy, my upstairs toxic ass neighbors aren’t helping, and overall rent is so godamn high in my city I can’t move out on my own unless I live with roommates or fuck somebody’s rich daddy for a $50k down payment on an apartment (and I just might).

Somehow, with everything I just said, I still need to find the time to make meals for myself, exercise, be social, invest in my hobbies (writing being the main one), and prep to work on applications for law school which is a year long process starting with taking the law school entrance exam that I have to ace. And of course, dodging seasonal depression is the biggest thing, cause when it’s bad, it’s bad.

All of that being said, I just don’t have enough time to write as quickly or eloquently as I want. I’m the most productive at 12 am - 3 am, but staying up late to write all the time when I need to be up in 5 hrs for work isn’t healthy. I’m not the fastest writer or reader, and I take writing seriously and passionately despite it being a hobby because I want it to be good, because I want people to enjoy it, and because I want to make myself proud since this is something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve never half-assed my work, and I don’t want to start now nor am I making excuses, but things are getting hectic for me. I mean, I’m falling behind on WIPs, I’m falling behind on interactions, I’m falling behind on reading fics I want to read and finishing projects I’ve been planning for a while. I legit cried yesterday cause I was getting frustrated with a WIP I’m working on. If that’s not sign enough I gotta chill and not think this is all a race, then the next time it hits me I’ll crash out. It’s just a lot.

So, if you see me not being as active in the next couple of weeks or this month, don’t get worried, I’m probably still writing but I just gotta focus and tackle some shit first before bouncing back. For my mutuals who have me on here or discord, you can send me posts you want me to see since I have my notifications off (I promise I’m not ignoring you). I’ll be actively working on the pieces I have for challenges from August & September, and I’m forcing myself to finish them this month if I can.

I don’t want to get burnt out like I did last year, because I enjoy writing and I love doing this, but I just need to find that balance again cause I lost it. I’ll be in and out on here. 🫶

[delta-orionis]

Tuesday Again No Problem 9/3/24

I missed last week so this Tuesdaypost will cover two weeks! Again! Oops!

Listening

One of the podcasts I listen to did an interview with a social media expert who actually took the time to track down the source of all of those horrible AI slop posts that have completely taken over Facebook. It was very interesting (and kinda bleak about the trajectory of the modern internet, ngl).

On another note.... I'm kind of ashamed to admit it, but I dipped back into some of my old Vocaloid playlists for the first time in literal years and I'm enjoying it a lot. I even discovered some new artists.

Cringe is dead, etc etc.

Watching

This was a big "re-listening to old favorite video essays" week for me. I won't list them all here otherwise these Tuesdayposts would become very repetitive. But it was a lot of Jenny Nicholson.

Playing

I finally got around to downloading the Random Buff mod for Rain World and holy shit this thing is ridiculous. I almost immediately got a bunch of ridiculously overpowered buff cards and have spent several hours zooming around in Survivor's campaign causing chaos.

I recently got cards for infinite underwater breath, as well as swim speed and maneuverability upgrades, so I made a beeline for Submerged Superstructure. I'm enjoying speeding around there. I also got several cards that buff spear damage, and I managed to kill a Leviathan by throwing spears at it. (A lot of spears, to be fair, but I did manage it eventually!)

In addition, this mod is causing my game to crash in new and exciting ways. Some of the debuffs in particular are really pushing my poor laptop to its limits. At least I'm having fun.

Making

TSAC will not leave my brain and I'm making it everyone else's problem.

I posted a new ask blog answer. I also made a random exposition post where I experimented with writing pearl dialogue (paired with some art).

Relatedly, I'm working on a Perchance generator to randomly generate Rain World Ancient names. I'm pretty happy with it so far. I'd like to work out some of the bugs before I make it publicly available, but at least for myself it's making writing about the Ancients much easier.

I'd like to try expanding on my OC's worldbuilding through expository pearl dialogue, primarily in the form of conversations between random Ancients who lived in TSAC's city. I'm trying to think about what opinions people of different social classes/backgrounds would have about their iterator (and also have TSAC make some remarks reacting to those opinions, haha).

I've said it before, but I find it extremely funny that the cure for my years-long artblock/writer's block seems to be becoming hopelessly obsessed with my own OC. (I started a new antidepressant earlier this year and I'm willing to bet that it also has something to do with it, but it's much funnier if I just say that TSAC cured my depression)

----

The summer schedule at work is officially over!! I survived!!! Time will tell if I am going to experience any delayed symptoms of burnout like I have in previous years, but for now I feel mostly fine!!!

In other news also related to OC brainrot, someone made a fucking 3D model of TSAC??? I'm still reeling over this. I'm so honored that people like my OC enough to render them in 3D. I've reblogged the post about it already but I'm using this as an opportunity to make you look at it again.

See you next week, if I remember!! My schedule is all weird now that summer is over!!! It will take me a bit to adjust, I think.

[thedreadvampy]

btw on the tangent of end of history ass bullshit I put my finger recently on why adapting Good Omens as a modern-day story bugs me

bc I Have Known. bc I was a comedy-fantasy afficianado in the 90s/early 2000s. that GO is one of many examples of a very specific genre of British comedy-scifi-fantasy popular in the 90s I would term "millennial apocalypse farce".

you know, they're a mix of biblical eschatology, Fortean Times conspiracy theory, cult tropes, and Y2K Rise of the Machines stuff, smashed together into an Adamsian comedy where a group of hapless protagonists bumble around while the world falls apart in comically overblown ways. imo, though a lot of authors bring their own spin to it, they're all heavily stylistically influenced specifically by Dirk Gently, which isn't Millennial Apocalypse Farce but I think did inspire a lot of it. Robert Rankin is on the edge of it, Good Omens is the most lasting example, but I read like 20 of these and most authors only wrote one afaict.

but the thing I was saying the other day is I honestly cannot think of a genre of popular English-language fiction that's more rooted in a specific time and culture. I tried for a while and really couldn't.

It just doesn't translate well away from the turn of the millennium, purely because the millennium was such a fevered touchpoint for Apocalypse Stuff. two things there I think.

Obviously, Y2K looming. Millennium Approaches. The turn of every century has often been accompanied by an uptick in interest in apocalypses and end times, but this was the BIGGIE. It's only happened on this calendar once before. People in the 1900s were talking about how close they were to a new millennium. The approaching millennium dominated the whole 20th century, and especially with how apocalyptic a lot of the 20th century felt in terms of war and technology, apocalyptic fervour really kicked up in the 90s. And there was a smorgasbord of apocalypses to choose from; divine, nuclear, digital, cosmic, alien, all stuff which on the millennial scale had really only just shown up in the last century or so. I was 7 in 2000 so pinch of salt but I remember all of us sort of holding our breath leading up to Jan 1 2000, not just bc of Y2K but bc it felt like something momentous HAD to happen.

The end of history. The cold war had subsided, and so had the economic depression of the 70s and 80s UK. There just was not a Singular Apocalypse hanging over a group of people who'd spent their whole lives in the shadow of a Singular Nuclear Apocalypse. I think stuff really rushed in to fill that gap, and Millennial Apocalypse Farce is a response to that sudden glut of possible apocalypses all clamouring for attention.

I think as well American end-of-days right-wing evangelism was really loud in the 80s-90s and that plays a part, cause the generally lefty and consciously self-effacing British comedy author milieu found that off-putting in a very mockable way

but the point is that glut of apocalypses was a real flash in the pan, the same way the End of History was. it was a like 10-15 year timespan where the world was definitely ending but nobody could say why or how, and it began around the fall of the Berlin Wall and ended on September 11, 2001.

Millennial Apocalypse Farce novels did keep coming out after 2001 but like everything else, the culture has changed really radically, and also, like, we were past the millennium. Those infinite possibilities of apocalypses hadn't paid off. Not saying that the public interest in apocalypse went away - 2012, obviously. The LHC. But the full on fervour for any and all crank apocalypses kind of petered off a bit bc the turn of the millennium was so much a flashpoint for it. and anyway we had really concrete apocalypses again - terrorism, totalitarian governments, plague, and of course the main 21st century apocalypse, Oh Shit We Really Fucked This Climate Change Thing Up.

and I really love the Millennial Apocalypse Farce genre. I really love stumbling on books in that genre. because it's such a time capsule for an incredibly specific period in recent cultural history.

but it does not translate into a 2020s setting. It's so 90s. it's so rooted in a really specific landscape of cultural anxieties and abstractions. it just doesn't make sense to me to translate it to the modern day, it's like setting Angels in America in 2023. it's just the wrong type of apocalypse. apocalypses are culturally generated and they change fast based on how a culture sees itself and the world. you can't pick up a 1990 apocalypse and put it unchanged in 2023, it's Wrong. if you're going to do that you have to be in conversation with it, you can't just update it.

like ok example of thoughtfully recontextualising an anachronistic apocalypse for a modern setting. War of the Worlds 2005. Why is it War of the Worlds? Because it wants to say some things about the relationship between post 9/11 America and colonial England, and how the specific common anxiety of invasion affects them as people in a nation of invaders. Idk if it's a good film cause I didn't like it when I watched it but that was a long time ago. But the intent makes sense.

what does putting a Millennial Apocalypse Farce in the 2020s actually. say? about the commonalities between now and then? I mean. Based on the TV show of Good Omens, to me, not a lot. It's pretty beat for beat in that sense, and we're not really far enough away from 1990 for it to have the obvious impacts that saying "now is very like then" does with, say, War of the Worlds, because the world of HG Wells was distant enough for a 2005 audience to go 'oh, Victorian colonialism, that's Not Like Us.' whereas like. I remember the 90s. It's not recent but it's in continuity with now. saying "then it's like now" is a) kind of Incorrect imo, the cultural anxieties are Very Different, and b) not...striking?

idk like. The genre is dated. The nature of that specific apocalypse idea is incredibly dated. And that's good actually. It's fine for art to be a time capsule of a specific cultural moment and to not make sense divorced from that moment. That's good! That's a good use of art!

[takerfoxx]

Well, I just got some interesting news that I can't really discuss my real feelings with in real life, so I guess it's time for some really bitter trauma dumping.

So, um, I don't know how many of you remember, but there was a little incident a few years back where, after living with my cousin and his girlfriend for about three years, they asked me to move out so they could have more "privacy as a couple," which basically meant tht they were having issues again and thought that having me leave might help make things easier on them, despite them being the ones who had reached to me to ask me to move in with them. Due to a number of other factors, not the least being that this was the third time my roommates had done something similar and the second time of it being due to a couple doing what they felt was best for them and leaving me holding the bag, this caused me to have something of a mental health collapse, and I've been struggling with anxiety and, as I just figured out, depression ever since! And yeah, there were a lot of other things happening that contributed to that,

But here's the thing: the first couple to do that, who were my best friends, ended up divorcing a couple years later. And apparently, it got ugly.

And as I recently found out, my cousin and his girlfriend ended up breaking up just the other week, and from all accounts, it was volatile.

So you can imagine that I have a lot to process. Like, what the hell am I even supposed to feel? On the one hand, I feel awful for my cousin, since I know he cared a lot about her. On the other, I've been mad at him for two years now because of everything that's happened (basically, a few weeks before he asked me to leave, I had talked to him about them having treated me like more of a guest than a resident for a while now, and he reassured me that it wasn't the case, that he did want me to feel like that was my home, and that it wasn't, and I quote, me versus the couple, only for him to drop this on me a very short time after), so there's that. And it also means that I went through that whole hellish experience, had to throw away seven years of my life, and have it all be for nothing. But at the same time, it also weirdly feels like there's this weight taken off my shoulders? Like, something inside me that got turned off when everything went down has suddenly turned back on again? Which sounds awful, but it is something that I've noticed.

I don't know. It's a mess. But mainly what I've come away with from all of this is that my whole life seems to have been spent getting caught up in other people's relationships, from my parents to my siblings to my friends to other members of my family, getting stuck in their drama, sometimes literally getting sacrificed by the couple in hopes of salvaging things, only for it all to end badly anyway. And every time I've been expected to just take it.

You know, these last few months I've been reconsidering how I feel about being aromantic, as the downside is that I've spent so much time being the third wheel and always ended up as the one left behind, but in light of all this? Fuck it. I'm so glad I'm aromantic. This shit isn't worth it.

Anyway, sorry about the angry venting. I just needed to get it out of my system.

[spaceoperetta]

today I learned a new phrase!

tw suicide, long post where I talk about how awful I've been feeling

'passively suicidal.'

of all things, I saw it on a twitter post about kendall roy

and, uh, that's what I'm going through right now I'm having a bad time.

I'll be fine I'm not going to do anything but I have cried every day for the last two weeks. don't give yourself constant jaw pain by letting a new-to-me dentist file down the side of your tooth. (I needed a filling replaced early bc of pain but it was nothing compared to this, I'm so stupid and instantly knew something was wrong after, I legit got home and wanted to hurt myself, but when I called the dentist back they wanted to file more shit down to fix it and, no.)

Ways to fix it run anywhere from 'get the filling adjusted by a different, trusted professional' (done, but they can't build up what was ground down) to 'try a mouth guard' (better but doesn't fix the issue) and I guess I'll need a crown or to cope with unending pain in my jaw for the rest of my life. except they make crowns off your current tooth and it's not right! and I got a filling since then elsewhere! something I am utter shit at because I caused it by saying yes it's not like I was hit by a car

hurts to talk, no singing from me, and I still can't do all that much shit with my wrists and therefore hands because, still recovering from wrist surgery. and my neck's been hurting for two months.

going to see a new therapist next week, at least. unfortunately due to my first hand POV of my siblings extensive health issues I always think my health issues will never go away/get worse. because that's been my past two years and also my past six months

anyway turns out 'passively suicidal' is the correct phrase for what I went through in college due to my whole breakdown and it's back except I'm not in school and it's in my body and even though I know it doesn't matter, they're issues I caused myself, one way or another. (and that's what's driving me crazy with self-loathing amidst the pain)

working on fixing things but I have no energy and mostly just sit around like a lump and crying a lot. I need a routine but that's hard when all I want to do is sleep or do nothing, barely keeping on with 'massage healing surgery site 3x a day' my first one was at 2pm today.

so, uh, I'm feeling up there with said college breakdown for worse consistent feeling in life. I'm not going to do anything I just feel sad and upset and awful most of the time either that or nothing and I have successfully zoned out for a few hours watching streams or internet videos. I have trouble imagining any future for myself, career-wise, personal life-wise, anything. I've never been good at that, and granted, I've spent more of my adult life being depressed than being productive.

anyway, hopefully like the mountain goats say, there will come a day when I will feel better, but when that day's coming, who can say?

I got some prozac from my pcp but haven't started it yet due to imagined, easily resolved barriers

I just feel like if I don't fix things it'll be like this forever and this will never go away. because it's fucking jaw pain and I have to fix the bite issue. my orthodontist said my bite's always been shit and my dentist said my bite is 'perfect' and uh I believe one of the more than the other.

I've just had a lot of health issues this year and half of them were caused by saying 'yes' to something I shouldn't have and now I'm in pain and the other half were 'so you played too many videogames two years ago to distract from the desire to self harm and now you just think about how that harmed you even more than that moment of slapping yourself would have'

yes I know it's all stupid

[vaulthuntersmybeloved]

Okay so I have both anxiety and depression and I’ve always thought that depression was always more romanticised and shit but oh my gosh the amount of shit my anxiety makes me do is a lot more than people realise.

Like the only romanticised aspect of anxiety is the whole panic attacks and stuff but even then my panic attacks aren’t the same as the romanticised media shit.

Plus symptom wise like I’m always sweaty, I’m always fidgeting (that could be the undiagnosed ADHD/autism tho idk) I have to keep my hands moving, I’ll always be worrying about something even if it’s just in the back of my mind, the paranoia and intrusive thoughts, the insomnia and then my worst symptom is my anger issues.

Because I don’t process anxiety and then break down and cry, I process anxiety and then I get irrationally pissed off over every single fuckin thing until the anxiety is resolved. And half the time I don’t even realise I’m doing it because I always have that underlying anxiety and so always have that underlying anger. And like this causes problems if you’ve gotta interact with people because they’ll go “why are you mad/grumpy?” And I’ll be like “I’m not?” But them saying that then confuses me and makes me angry because I don’t feel that I’m being angry or irrational because ✨anxiety✨ so I then end up just getting MORE angry.

And like y’all can see why this is a problem because I don’t realise I’m in an altered anxiety mental state and then others pointing it out and not realising just makes it WORSE.

Adding to this I’m a person with a short temper and who’s very opinionated to begin with and oh wow look I’m a shitty person to be around if my anxiety gets to high enough levels it’s noticeable!

And yet people still think anxiety is just the occasional panic attack and difficulty breathing like fuck off, every single aspect of my fuckin life is influenced by my anxiety and half the time I don’t even fuckin NOTICE.

Like sure my depression sucks but at least it’s noticeable when I’m depressed. With my anxiety it just makes me seem like a dickhead when the last thing I actually want is to push people away!

And like I spent basically my whole childhood downplaying my anxiety because I was terrified of being a burden and because I didn’t realise how much it actually effects me and now I’m only just realising this shit like 10 years later!!

[bifuriouslyqueer]

I was let go from my job at the end of 2022 (company downsizing, I was one of many). I struggled with the length of shifts, the overstimulating noises, and generally focusing on tasks/being bored with the work, so in a way, it was a welcome change. Except that I stopped having a paycheck. I spent the *entirety* of 2023 unemployed. It was not until later in the year when I got my ADHD diagnosis (at 31) and started taking stimulants. The first day I did it was like life was suddenly accessible. Before, it was a good day if I could get one thing on my to-do list of 3 items done. Now, I can complete lists of 5 or more items. Filling out job applications is a *lot* of work, especially if you want to be successful. In this day and age, you have to tailor your resume and cover letters to the specific position you're applying for. Do you know how hard that is when you can't concentrate for more than maybe (if you're lucky) 20 mins at a time? It would take me *all day* to complete one (1) application. And if it didn't take all day, I was so mentally drained that I just couldn't handle another. Many days, I couldn't finish one *at all*. Since I've started medication, I've been able to do multiple in one day and have then been able to land multiple interviews. The only problem now is trying to discern what to disclose and when regarding diagnosis/ accommodation. (Because yes, even with medication, I still need accommodations to make sure I can do my job to the best of my ability.) But that's a whole different post.

Anyway, the point is that this medication is lifesaving. I cannot tell you how depressed I was last year feeling like an absolute fucking failure for not being able to do jackshit and for the financial strain my unemployment has caused. Thank every god that my wife and I are in a living situation that minimizes our monthly bills because between the lack of income and risk of things not being paid on time (another major livelihood issue for ADHDers with no treatment), we'd be absolutely fucked. I'm still struggling to find work, except now it's more about the market and general job bullshit than it is my inability to apply to a job in the first place. But shit like this just makes me all the more terrified that I won't be able to handle work anyway and that I'll face even more discrimination. People generally, but especially in the medical field, need to fucking understand this and to manage treatment and access effectively.

I fucking knew it, I SAID it: they're making ADHD people the next culture war targets. They will 'just ask questions' until we lose every scrap of ground we've gained in the last decade and more. We may not quite inspire the same level of hatred as a sexual minority, but we can very easily be made to inspire disdain and that also works.

They will strip us of our accomodations and our medications and try to stifle any sense of shared identity, and if that kills some of us, oh well. So long as it fuels another outrage cycle, fine.

So many of the tropes they've been using on trans people work extremely well on ADHD people too! "There are too many of these people suddenly! It must be a fad! It spreads through friend groups! And online! People are going private for diagnoses and that's bad! They are using pOwERfUl medical interventions and we think it's freaky!"

I saw the first ripples of this in terf circles about two years ago. And of course it's spread.

6% of British ADHD people lost their jobs in the last year thanks to the meds shortage. SIX PER CENT! And that just made these ghouls go "ooh, tasty, what else can we do?"

Recently an 'expert' was on the BBC saying people see ADHD diagnosis as a "golden ticket." Laurence Fox has been ranting that the condition doesn't exist and threatening "'you won't poison my child's body [with ADHD meds] against my consent"

People need to be aware this is going to get worse. Maybe, if we're lucky, it won't get really bad. But it's going to get worse than it is now.

[radioblonde]

so I'm starting this here

I'm just some other happy, free, confused, and lonely junior in college who didn't understand how perfectly aligned those four words were back in 2012 when Red (OG and ONLY version) was released.

So, I'm taking a rhetoric of pop culture class (pop cultural analysis thru the lens of Taylor Swift AAH!) that has inspired me to finally join Tumblr after the literal decade I've spent taking influence, in every single way, from this damn site.

Like, why haven't I been blogging my life down forever? What the fuck is the use of a journal anyway? jk #diaries4ever

I write a lot about the things that I'm blessed to experience. and I'd love to share for whoever might relate or love it themselves.

I spoke to my about this last week. I used to get insecure when speaking up about my opinion sometimes, like I wouldn't say the right things or hurt the wrong feelings. She told me that sometimes--people forget that we're all going through the same shit. some are more scared than others, but only because the others were once just as scared too. we all move past it someday. So as it turns out, all those ppl were actually right when they said comparison is the thief of joy. we've all got things to say and do, whether independently or with ppl alongside. if it's in words, it's in the world. Why tuck it away in your own world, when nothing's as it seems even in the real world? We learn best when put into practice. So fuck it.

separate thought, but remember needing to put "Tumblr" when searching up anything online? it was literally the only way. why did Tumblr even fall off like that. I feel like it's so creatively unique. I get the surface-level mainstream community online kinda giving up on it, but how abt the writers, creatives, and artsy girls of our generation? are they on it, and I'm just late af??

I used to have one of those Tumblr summer bucket list accounts with my best friend growing up...without actually using Tumblr. in all fairness, we were literally on the internet at like 10 years old. a pre-teen can only learn so much at once LOL.

I started stanning Taylor Swift when her and I stopped being friends. In like 2014. iconic ass time. even tho I was literally 11, I'm so nostalgic over it lol. I wanted to be a teenager then so bad. I wonder how I'll feel about high school in 2019-2022 in the future--If that nostalgia could ever beat Tumblr nostalgia (and that's coming from someone who lived vicariously thru it on IG!)

her and I were besties for like all of high school. but our second breakup, end of senior year, was the realest. everything and everyone was embarrassing. especially me. Lowkey depressing. So, I left Miami for college, excited to meet new people or new vibes... until I eventually realized that I've never comfortably fit in anywhere just yet. Maybe I should just blame Florida. or maybe it's cause I've been made to believe I'm not Latina enough (that's bs. Ik where I come from). maybe it's all bs, and I just need to finally move to NYC with Chan, my childhood bestie. all I know is that it doesn't really matter what city I'm in if I know where I wanna go.

Third year now. Still got Taylor. and I've come to love those random experiences and memories that once felt like blades puncturing my lungs. the bright side of every situation is actually, really cute. cause fr, apart from irl limits or calamity, what you see is what you get.

Anyways, I'm bringing back Tumblr, if it's even as dead as it seems rn.

[spirituallyyellow]

29/8/24

I am so scared that I'm pregnant that it's hard to focus on anything else.

Logically, I really don't think that I am - N and I have had plenty of sex over the last couple of months, but we've been really careful about condom use, and the only time we might have had a slight slip was probably a little more than six weeks ago. And even then, N says he is certain that nothing got into the danger zone.

Meanwhile, I am on high alert every time I experience so much as a twinge in my abdominal region. I keep praying over and over, "please don't let me be pregnant, please, it would ruin my life" and I know that sounds dramatic but it honestly feels that way.

I'm staying at my Nashville friends' house and I'm just having the strangest feelings about it all. I am really glad to be here, I feel really welcomed and it's peaceful here in a way that my parents' house never is. Like I just don't really need to worry about anything.

But then also last night while everyone was sat at the table talking, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed and I just had this horrible feeling of like, you don't belong here, you should get out, you are not wanted here, you are a piece of shit and it was genuinely for no reason whatsoever. Nobody did anything to make me feel that way. And then I felt so hot and nauseated and immediately my brain went to, you're pregnant when it was honestly probably just sitting too close to too many people in a tucked in area with lit candles, combined with my anxiety about all those other feelings.

I had a great time yesterday and last night. I met some interesting people, made a good networking connection, played fun games and laughed a lot and loudly. There was no reason for me to wake up in the middle of the night, again, wishing I was dead, again. It's just fucking dumbshit garbage.

I don't even know what I need in these moments, much less how to ask for it. It really does feel like God is just letting me suffer, even though that is in no way a reasonable or logical belief, given how many good things happened yesterday.

I saw W the other day and spent like three hours just sitting and talking. It was really nice - we just always seem to connect really naturally and easily on a deep level. It just feels so easy with him - I ended up saying way more than I intended to say, but it didn't feel like it was the wrong thing to do.

There was one moment where he was kind of leaned back in his chair and I just instantly remembered that moment all those years ago where I climbed into his lap and kissed him, but it was just for a moment and then my brain released it. It wasn't even a mutual our eyes met kind of moment - just a sudden memory.

His wife tried to kill herself last year, and it turned out to be at least partly caused by the hormone crash that happened three months after getting her Mirena removed. My Mirena finished in January, and then I tried to kill myself at the end of March. I am wondering if that's related.

If it is - if all this suffering just because of a fucking hormonal imbalance - I don't know what I'll do. That somehow feels worse because it makes me feel like none of my emotions are real, none of them are valid, it's just wOmAn PrObLeMs.

Because even if it is "just" hormonal, I still actually feel like shit right now.

Oh, I don't know. I feel like depression actively punishes me for being happy. every time something good happens and I feel happy and good, I wake up the next day feeling like I should kill myself.

This is really unsustainable.

[help-help-i-need-an-adult]

I had undiagnosed gullbladder issues for a whole school year. (I was 12 and depressed and so they thought I was faking because I didn’t want to go to school. Last month of school they finally do an ultrasound to “prove I’m fine and kick my ass back to school” and then a week later “I’m so sorey. You’re stomach has been hurting”. No shit, Sherlock. Surgery was literally scheduled for the last week of the school year.) It made me tardy to school a TON (and meant I had to drop out of orchestra so I never really learned how to play an instrument and I’m still mad about it) but I still functioned most of the time. Just couldn’t always move. But I still sang on tour with my choir in NYC that year, went to school, attended birthday parties, etc.

I also have a mild allergy to citric acid that all it does is make me throw up if I have too much. So I eat it all the time because it’s in EVERYTHING and I often have mild tummy aches as a result. No big deal. Some tums help when it gets too bad.

I also have an autoimmune disease (undiagnosed but with family history I’m 98% sure I know what it is even if the American healthcare system won’t diagnose it without 3 specific symptoms when I see them) but anyway, it causes sores throughout the digestive system that hurt like a bitch when things move past them. Literally have me crumpling to the floor if I’m not sitting down. BUT it also attacks the nervous system which is the BRAIN and can cause vertigo. So…

Headaches I get all the time and when I tell you they can make it so the day needs to fucking end right now I’m not exaggerating. And I’ve gone to doctors for it but they don’t think my migraines matter and just tell me to take Tylenol or whatever. (You’d think being sick all the time and it always turning out to be something legit would have taught doctors that I’m not just drug seeking but whatever.) So I usually fight through it but some days I literally can’t. I’ve spent whole days “sleeping” because opening my eyes is agony.

I also get minor headaches from my dust allergy, and that’s a lot harder to avoid than the citric acid one. (I’m allergic to books? And stuffed animals? And pillows!?!? Rude!)

Both suck but I’ll take a tummy ache over a head ache. At least with a tummy ache I can still read, watch tv, listen to music or an audiobook. Headache bad enough makes everything need to stop.

Especially since I’ve had headache’s bad enough that they cause tummy aches. Vertigo anyone?

I’ve never had a stomach ache so bad it causes a headache unless I was actively barfing violently, but even then the head gets better within a few minutes.

Fuck head aches.

But this is me. I have a friend with chronic diverticulitis that resulted in them needing to loose a foot of their colon who would likely disagree with me HARD.

But then, their tummy aches have nearly killed them. Mine have threatened it but never gotten me sent into emergency surgery.

So… perhaps it is relative. Which body part is more effective at trying to kill you? For me, it’s my head. 100%.

[mangodestroyer]

A vent about ambiguous grief

I think I now understand why I was so fucking depressed for the past year. I couldn't understand why breaking up with my unhealthy ex had devastated me so much. I just remember feeling so empty and have been finding it difficult to relax and enjoy myself (this has been improving). I'm still finding it hard to have ambitions/dreams/hope (again, this is starting to improve). But, still... it was getting to the point where it just seemed incredibly obsessive and unhealthy how miserable the whole thing made me.

As it would turn out, it really wasn't just that relationship and the ugly way it ended. It was a whole bunch of things, actually. Sort of leading up to and relating to it. And it caused me to experience a terrible case of ambiguous grief about... my life in general. You see, I was aware of the fact that my family life was unhealthy as a teen, and as someone who grew up neurodivergent, I also just really wanted to find my place in the world. So I thought if I just worked hard and because I knew my family was unhealthy, I'd be able to make an easy life for myself surrounded by people who would appreciate me, and avoid getting myself in unhealthy situations/fucking shit up. I thought I could figure out a way to "fit in" or find my people. I thought I could cruise through college and jump right into a good career. But it just hasn't happened like that at all. I ended up attracting toxic people into my life instead, watched my mental health get so much worse, have been fumbling to get a degree (despite good grades), and have been working in retail waaaaay longer than I would have preferred. And yeah, I'm still also kind of an outcast.

In other words, life did NOT turn out the way I expected. I thought my young adult years would be spent finding new friends, having tons of fun, finding a loving partner who happens to be very compatible with me (seriously, I thought I could make a happy, healthy relationship happen if I put in my all, but now I know that it just isn't easy and lots of relationships don't work, let alone last a life time). I also thought it'd be easier for me to get somewhere career wise. And I certainly didn't think I'd work customer service beyond a few months to save for school (I certainly did not picture myself in retail for three years, but it happened!) I was also hoping my brother would maybe mature and start treating me right. But unfortunately, the family issues didn't really improve. There was still family drama to deal with as well. TONS of it! And I couldn't just "get away." If anything, I also ended up welcoming someone else's family drama into my life. By complete accident. Thinking I would never manage to do that either. But lo and behold, after two years of dating my ex, I realized the once super happy, very compatible, lovey partner I had was suddenly a very miserable and angry individuals who almost acted like they wanted nothing to do with me, had nothing in common with me, didn't want to do anything like celebrate holidays (and holidays had become shit with my family so I really was devastated that this was suddenly a thing for the relationship because I miss celebrating holidays), and also just had an awful family life/didn't care if their family was toxic with me.

On top of that, college was just not that fun, adventurous experience I thought it would be. I was still too weird for the college kids. Literally, everyone told me I'd have a much better social life there. I'd find more people who had something in common with me and that people would be more mature. I'll admit, maybe I didn't know where to look for those individuals, but I actually felt worse by the way some people treated me as compared to grade school. It's not even like I was popular or living it up in hs, but hs really wasn't that bad for me and sometimes, it feels like I peaked in hs, which was also something I never thought would apply to me.

In other words, shit did NOT work out the past few years. And... I feel a lot better knowing that this is just normal. It's completely normal to face extreme disappointment like that and see things fail no matter what. It's completely normal to grieve what never was. It's just something that happens. It doesn't mean I'm hopeless or whatever (because I was seriously beginning to wonder if I was). It's just something a lot of people have to face at some point. And it can apply to things we think are normal life experiences. I like the example used of the couple trying for so many years to have a child, only to realize they're infertile. Or the athlete who becomes physically disabled at a young age, and so has to retire from sports much earlier than they wanted to. It's easy to take certain things for granted and assume there will be guarantees in life. But it doesn't always work like that. Because there are certain things that are often portrayed as "normal life experiences." Until it turns out that this won't be a life experience for you, and it does get in the way of your dreams. Ig for me, being neurodivergent and coming from an unhealthy background has made the whole "finding my place" thing very difficult. Because "fitting in" is not easy for me at all. Yet having a friend group and feeling like you belong is just portrayed as something that is "easy" and "obtainable." Same with hard work paying off. Yes, you have to put effort in to make shit work. But sometimes, it takes a lot more effort than you thought it would. Or... it just doesn't work out at all.

And sometimes, it means that we might be overlooking some things that really were meant to be. Because life actually had other ideas all along.

[saudade-asylum]

seeing as how quarantine is about to end for me (i’m moving back to london for uni on october 3rd) i figured i’d make a bullet list of all the things i’ve done/learnt these past 6 months :)

——its gonna get dark kids——

• i put a brown box dye on my head and i have not been a brunette since 2014. thats 6 years. i hate it but i also like it????

• my depression is a lot worse than i thought :) and i think i may have something else along side that and i am in desperate need of therapy :))))

• if i don’t have false nails on i will immediately bite my nails down to nubs and when i run out of nail i will progress to the skin around my nail bed and further. there is no stopping it. i have begun to like the taste of the stuff that’s meant to make you hate biting your nails

• put on a stone but have lied to everyone and said i have not but my proportions have just shifted??? don’t know why everyone fell for that but hey ho

• my grandmother was into incest :) there is a chance my mum was born via incest :))))) i hate it here

• i started cutting

• i tried monster for the first time (ultra blue) and i really like it

• i don’t deserve friends and so when a minor argument started i decided to use that to cut them all off because i’m a horrible person and i really think they can do better than me but i really miss every friend i’ve ever had so i’ve been stalking instagrams like crazy

• turned 20 and immediately had a minor breakdown and promptly put all my money and effort into kidcore alt fashion

• i cannot have a single conversation about politics with my parents lest we have a horrible argument and i get my feelings hurt via their racist and homophobic comments that they will immediately brush off

• i’m a lesbian, i’ve identified as lit rally every label i could before i figured it out. even labelling myself as a trans guy and ace through a super cheeky combination of compulsory heteronormativity and not understanding what a real friendship is due to all my toxic ass ex friends and thinking every boy crush was a crush when i just wanted to hang out with them. rip (ace people are still cool though and i love them all they’re like the family of your ex gf who you still love and hang out with)

• i tried the pink monster and it’s fucking RANK

• i spent over £2000 (my student loan) this lockdown on useless mindless shit of which includes colouring books i haven’t used, a mini fridge, a shit ton of earrings, a shit ton of takeaways, every sims expansion pack, and several plush animals

• told my parents that i’d spent over £2000 and started sobbing so now they seem to be taking the mental health thing a bit more seriously and have agreed to let me go see my mates in london and pay for it which is actually nice :)

• my mate had to cancel and none of my other mates wanted to see me / weren’t in the area the one day i was down so instead i walked around for so long that both of my heels burst open

• i have left my hair brown the whole lockdown but now i’m going back to art uni in london and now im thinking i need to dye it something cool or no one will be able to tell i’m a) gay b) actually arty or they’ll just think i’m a background character and no one will talk to me

• since my last bullet point about weight i have gained another 1/2 stone and am now 17 stone. i have 47 days till i go back to uni and i’m not really sure what to do. i think if i could get back to my initial weight of 15 stone before i go back i’d be ecstatic but i’m not sure how realistic that is? i’ve done diets in the past that have let me lose a stone but not sure how to do it now cause i’m veggie??

• it’s my fault my mums in pain because if i wasn’t greedy and going to uni then they’d have the money to pay for my mums knee replacement and she’d be able to get a better job and make friends in a non toxic work environment

• the only reason my parents aren’t getting a divorce is because it’s too expensive - according to my mum

• i’ve given up on the whole losing weight thing because i’m honestly too fucking sad to stop using food to fill any disappointment in myself. it’s actually incredibly difficult to stop eating

• since saying i was giving up on dieting i’ve actually ended up eating less??? not sure what my brains doing up there but hey ho i’m liking the development

• started crying when a minecraft streamer said i was smart for a suggestion i made (wasn’t even minecraft related)

[ohnopeh]

i love this post cause yes, absolutely 1000%. i’ve been watching shameless since the end of season 2 which means i had to go through 3x06 and the ending of s3 as it aired, waiting for s4, reading about cameron having other projects and wondering what that meant for ian’s character. s4 was a blast and when mickey came out i couldn’t believe it! then s5 happened and i think it was the worst time of my life as i spent my sunday night awake till 6am (bc fuck timezone) so i could watch the episode live, aware that i’d have to wake up two hours later to go to school— but there was literally not even a episode in that season that made you think ‘it’s gonna be okay’ which made it impossible to chill out after the episode ended! so would could even go to bed or function properly when all i wanted to do was being on tumblr and read people’s thoughts? there were some accounts that had access to episodes earlier and would make posts with emojis or answer questions very cryptically which only increased my anxiety cause it was never good news lol. when mickey said i love you on the phone i couldn’t believe it and kept hoping they would talk about it eventually ( which never happened ).

then interviews and tweets about noel not coming back and having other projects started to float around. i spent my days, weeks and months trying to analyse everything hoping that they were simply pulling our legs to make their make up worth it. then cam tweeted about noel’s journey on shameless ending and i wanted to cry my eyes out!!! when 6x01 happened i felt like shit and stopped watching shameless all together. i love(d) the show and watched it for every character but i was so damn pissed at the whole thing, the frustration and emotions i felt really didn’t do well for me and i started hating anything related to the show and its characters— i randomly found out noel was coming back for s7 and again i had my hopes up and got punched in the face with that ending. i zoned out of the fandom/show once again only to randomly find out about their reunion in prison + them coming back for the last two seasons and i couldn’t believe it!!!

my experience with shameless was like going to war, i feel traumatised by all the emotions it made me feel, the anxiety they would mess the characters/couple, not knowing if they would be a thing, mickey’s character being treated like shit etc. i used to love reading their fics back in the day and i had to force everything away from me cause it really pissed me off and the fact that it made me feel that way pissed me off even more cause ian and mickey were and are comfort characters to me and have it ruined by a greedy fucker who wouldn’t pay actors properly made me go nuts. now that everything is over, they’re happy, can’t be touched and potentially ruined anymore, i feel content and i could go back to the show that had been a comfort to me all those years ago— to a new, older, more mature and depressed me that can appreciate the show more than ever! although i still struggle to watch s6-9 without feeling rage in my little hateful heart, i know they made it to the end and it’s all worth it. i don’t care if the show became less serious than what it was, i welcomed it even as i really needed the boys to be okay and happy and in love with their shared i love yous.

so yes, back then everything about them, their scenes post break up etc. could only make me rage and feel empty, now that it’s over and i know they’re happy, some of those scenes have found a new meaning to fit with later seasons and i can find comfort in them knowing it’s not the end!

bless those who didn’t give up and made them come back, i smooch you all

(fun act, mickey’s full name was thanks to fanfic writers that just made it up one day and kept using it over and over, seeing it as canon. so when 7x09 happened, one writer that interacted lots with fans decided to use it and make it canon in the show too! she tweeted about it back then, i tried to find the tweet but found out she deleted her account cause,, well. she got lots of hate)

I love this revisit of season 7 Gallavich, because I love those episodes. They are absolutely the comfort episodes I'm most likely to put on if I just want to watch some Gallavich (and then bonus Monica chaos, with Lip falling apart in the corner.) But when I see this sort of literal celebration of the season and those precious two episodes, I always think of the people who watched that shit LIVE. And they were not celebrating.

Context is everything. When you know how the story ends, and you know that isn't the ending, and you know you can just fully skip season 8 on your rewatch, 7x10 and 7x11 are really lovely, bittersweet, emotionally cathartic episodes.

I try to keep this in mind in fandom -- though to make it silly, maybe I can also keep this in mind in life -- that sometimes all you need is a little time and a different perspective, and it's not that bad. It might even be pretty good.

[outofcontexturi]

sat 10th Dec 2022 journal 00:41am

I’m currently at mikes apartment in Croydon. I’ve spent the evening at his office and just chilling here talking about life and shit. really put a lot of things into perspective and he gave me a deeper insight into his life and personality. I didn’t know he had some of the things he had going on. I’ve genuinely learnt a lot and I’ve come to accept that he does care about me as much as I’ve tried not to think about it all these years. I would think he has me in his best interests. I can’t exactly tell how I feel though. Reba has unfollowed me on pretty much everything. I think that’s the end of that friendship. It’s painful but again. I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong so I’m not so hard pressed about it. I think she’ll feel it more in the long run. Because I know what I bring to the table as a friend and I know that I’ve been there for her when she’s needed me the most. I know I’ve tried my hardest with her and if she chooses to leave then she can honestly be my guest. I don’t care. It’s 00:56am. Apparently I’m going to a breakfast thingy later on this morning or at least I’ve been invited to it. Also I managed to get a meeting with an acting agency!! can’t believe it happened but like damn it happened. This whole process has been the most stressful thing ever and just to even be seen by an agent that has some form of faith in me is kinda crazy when I think about it. Like damn. I didnt play a massive role in this play; infact I wasn’t even that integral to the story but to see someone actually enjoy it enough to say they’d want to meet with me is something so crazy. All praise goes to God. And some praise goes to me for fucking pushing thru this rep cause God knows I’ve cried tears many many times thru out this process even thinking whether or not I want to carry on this show or kill my self . I’m glad I didn’t opt the latter. Life can be wonderful sometimes. I’m still broken a bit from everything that has happened in the last 3 months. Life doesn’t feel so real. I feel alot at once and it’s not easy but I’ve survived the toughest days I’ve lived this year and that’s got to count for something. Still letting go of things and people that don’t serve me. I need to cut down on the porn I’m watching too. It’s not fun anymore. I need real intimacy. Or something. This is no longer serving me the way it used to. I need a change. There’s more to this life. There has to be. It’s 1:11am. I genuinely don’t know what to think of life. I’m going to look back at a lot of these posts and think “23 must’ve been such a crazy year man” cause I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said I don’t believe what’s happening in my life or whatever. I also don’t think I’m crazy. I don’t think I’m schizophrenic. I don’t think I’m depressed. I do think I’m moody. I’ve been moody for at least 10 years now maybe even 12 idk. Life just seems to be at a constant. Mike was talking about habits today and how to know if you’re addicted to something you can test it by noticing if there’s a habit in said behaviour. I know this already but it was nice to be reminded and to think about the behaviour I show myself. It’s also nice to know that I can change at any time. I need to make time for travel. I think im at that stage in my life. I must travel and see the world. I hope it get to experience all these different cultures and widen my worldview before I go. It’s 1:48am now. was scrolling thru Twitter. I need to think of some questions to ask this agent. more importantly I need to sleep. I’m gonna try and aim to sleep in the next 30 mins. Goodnight/ morning uri. until next time bud.

sign out time : 1:49am