#fuck it this goes on the main blog
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"a pleasure to have in class" etc etc
"gifted child to adult burnout pipeline" whatever
the fuck do I always seem to be the only bitch in my friend/social group who was held back twice
gimme the positivity for girls like me: brainbad shortbus trannies with LDs and shit grades whose teachers constantly said would never get anywhere if I kept acting like this and I made my way into adulthood the same way I made it through school, clawing and biting and scaring the people in my way.
#about me#seraposting#fuck it this goes on the main blog#like shit good for all my friends who managed to make it thru school without a teacher throwing you into a brick wall headfirst#how many of you former gifted kids know what it was like to have to do spelling drills in middle school#oh you were a quiet kid? I was a quiet kid when they dragged me into the padded 'quiet room' by my buzz-cut hair#fuck off I'm allowed to be bitter about this. About how brainbad kids are treated. Queer or not.
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Vanittlebug, the vanilla extract bugsnak I made in celebration in Tumblr's new vanilla extract polls obsession - if people like them I may make up more stuff for them, but currently my brain isn't exactly in Bugsnax Mode so I have 0 ideas on what their catching method and stuff would be
#i dont know where to post this#main blog or bugsnax blog ?#listen i dont use that blog almost at all anymore its basically just a shadow filbo archive now. i prefer posting here. but also i have#an art blog now. i guess full art goes there doodles go here ?#UGH I DONT KNOW !#fuck it im posting this on the bugsnax blog :tm:#fansnax#bugsnax#bugsnax fanart#vanilla extract#guz art
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I GOT THAT DAMN KEYCHAIN
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Just to minimize my chances of being genuinely misunderstood OR deliberately misinterpreted, and crucified for something I don't think, How Dare You Say We Piss on the Poor website etc...I'm gonna say this right up top. I absolutely understand why people don't like Thessaly as a character, if anyone does completely unironically stan her as some kind of feminist hero who Did Nothing Wrong uwu, I personally see it as a bit of a red flag. I don't like terfs real or fictional. In a vacuum, I could even completely sympathize and agree with the people who want her cut.
HOWEVER.
It's really something to me to see people clamoring for her to be cut, because she carries and expressed an ugly indefensible prejudice (transphobia) in words towards (1) person. Meanwhile Hob fucking Gadling enacted one of the most violent forms of antiblack racism I can even think of against thousands no, millions of people, the ripple effects of which still affect billions more today. Just a little light idk, profiting off the fucking slave trade and had to be told by someone else that it was bad...and he's a fan favorite.
People are saying Thessally being Dream's love interest reflects badly on him or is somehow endorsement by the narrative (?!?!?!?!?!? Didn't she (SPOILER ALERT AS IF IT MATTERS BY NOW) help participate in his extended assisted suicide? She's not painted as a great person to me just another character what are y'all SMOKING whatever fine. It's fine this is fine.) But shipping Dream with Mr. Former Slaver is not only not verboten or frowned on widely in the fandom but its THEE most popular pairing by far. So...why the difference?
Like where are the same fans who are saying Thessaly shouldn't just be more clearly shown to be wrong, she shouldn't even be in the show at all when it comes to Hobert's crimes??? Yes, transphobia is indefensible. Isn't racism?
And I hear the cries of "it's fiction!!!" Already rallying (if anyone who needs to hear this even sees it lol) to which I say:
HORSESHIT. I KNOW you don't, deep down, really agree because if you did, why get upset about Thessaly being included??? Why does what she said to one person matter if it's Just Fiction You Guyze. Fictional characters are allowed to do bad things and fiction isn't reality sweaty....except when you only apply that standard to fictional racists you like and simp for, but fictional transphobes you don't are SO HARMFUL they shouldn't even be portrayed in fiction.
Like. Give me a big fat BREAK. This looks like bullshit, no? I'm sorry, but I'd love for someone to try and give any other explanation besides one personally offended you or hit home for you, and the other doesn't.
And if that bothers you or you feel like it says something negative about you...idk what you want me to say??? You can't control how other people perceive you and that's how people outside this majority-of-the-fandom bubble see it. You don't need to respond, I just wish and genuinely hope this gives you a moment to think about why fans who ARE bothered by both (and not just paying lip service to being bothered by the one but railing against the other) are so frustrated with people saying everyone is welcome but in practice only bending over backwards for the comfort and emotions of themselves, and people they can easily relate to.
You don't have to like Thessaly (I don't. I find her an interesting antagonist, I don't stan her. And frankly imo likability is not. the point of her character) but you'll pardon me for feeling more than a bit cynical and side eying people's motivations for what seems a...pretty obvious double standard, on what fictional crimes related to real world issues matter to y'all, and which clearly don't. Either actually bring the same energy to the table for fictional people who committed atrocities, even if against a group you're not part of and thus don't feel the need to empathize with, or just carry on, but accept that you don't have the SLIGHTEST room to talk about cutting characters who do immoral things. And you also need to accept that you look like a hypocrite when you do.
#thessaly#wanda the sandman#hob gadling#fandom racism#I could've cried sexism!!! Problematic Male vs Female Characters except 1) I don't actually think that's the main reason *here*#2) there are WAY better examples of that particular double standard in this fandom#also i can admit when I'm a bit of a hypocrite or was.#i used to dip my toes into the dreamling stuff too early on#but idk. It just got too sour seeing ppl whitewash (lol I know I'm a comedian)#what he did over and over. And I genuinely had started to wonder#if the show hadn't included that particular crime and I'd just imagined it from the comics because#my memory is shit sometimes and I guess I was naive. I *wanted* to believe someone would talk aboutit#if it had made it in. but ultimately i went back and checked and no#and seeing how the whole fandom behaving affected my non-white mutuals some of whom...#like these are my friends man or ppl I just respect and I can't just. Ignore their feelings and their pov#and act like they werent making points or it doesn't matter#like it's all just fun and games for everyone on the same terms. And seeing how easy it was#for everyone to ignore was so unsettling. I couldn't keep pretending it was just fiction and didn't affect anyone real#Call me a bully a t3rf apologist (fuck you and for the record. no)#a puritan or a Fancop (actually stop comparing#people disagreeing with you online to what cops do. For fucks sake you just make it look like nothing is really real to you outside fandom)#whatever man. Whatever helps you sleep. I'm just gonna block you#if you're clearly sticking your fingers in your ears. engaging with you is a waste of time and energy then#Hell I have sympathy for anyone who doesn't like thessaly#especially trans fans. Especially rn. But lbr that sympathy for a lot of the white trans/queer fans only goes one way!!!#never gets extended to anyone else's issues. Like THATSthe issue. And it's shitty!#(sorry this post is not about me in the confessional lol that's why I put this at the bottom#I just had feelings to get out and yes its my blog but i didn't want to clog the airways)
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havent seen this take in a while thankfully but it popped up in my head and i wanna post this anyways. i think everyone who talks about how siffrin “got off too easy” at the end of isat and his friends should have abandoned him should go read warrior cats if they want an example of a character using their trauma as their god-given jailbreak card to treat their family and peers (a good amount of whom who were completely innocent) like dogshit, and who faces zero consequences from the narrative for it (and in fact bends over to blame their peers). like read all the shit jayfeather does while the narrative sobs over how tragic but awesome and quirky he is and then look me in the eye and tell me siffrin’s ending was poorly written.
#or look at titania from reborn. what who said that#at least siffrin’s trauma is actually developed and taken deadly seriously by the narrative and clearly isnt being used to excuse his behav#behavior#siffrin does some shitty things in the story but theyre very obviously in a horrible state mentally and physically thats been breaking them#down little by little by little until theyve exploded and broken down. and his family still holds him accountable for what he did#but they stay with him anyways because they love and respect and care about him and are horrified to learn his situation#meanwhile ivypool goes through trauma yeah but shes not really written like a realistic trauma victim#and when she hurts her sister over and over and over and over and over again its always her sister who has to make it up at the end#and we all gotta sob and coo over ivy because shes the fan favoriteand if you criticize her then you hate trauma victims#(ignoring dovewing’s trauma from the situation as well i might add)#while ivy never gets to grow or acknowledge how her attitude is hurtful to herself and others#its just ‘’well dovewing had it better so she better shut the fuck up and deal with the constant emotional abuse ivy throws at her’’#imagine if isat ended with siffrin going ‘’actually im not sorry bc you all havent suffered as much as me’’#and the party didnt object to that at all and they were like ‘’yes we do have it better so youre justified in hurting us#and also you are the most tragic character ever so you cant face emotional consequences ever’’#(and before anyone goes ‘’well dovewing left the clan and ivypool feels bad about that’’ the story doesnt position it as a consequence of#her behavior to her sister. canonically shes leaving to be with her baby daddy and SHES framed as the one hurting her sister#and shes the one whos gotta mend that rift. while the narrative doesnt acknowledge that that situation was partly her sisters fault at all#)#ok sorry for wc on main jumpscare. i wouldve posted over on the blog but i dont think people over there have played isat#echoed voice#isat spoilers
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pov Utahn Miku feeds you Funeral Potatoes
(fyi, artist wasn't raised/isn't LDS but *IS* an slc native. Trust that I've tasted her golden ambrosia many a time.)
#hatsune miku#vocaloid miku#miku fanart#utahn miku#was absolutely not gonna post this but it's unbelievable how fucking long this took#this was supposed to be a low effort shit post :( it was Not that#so it goes on my half dead web content side blog :/ i ain't posting this shit on main are you kidding me#ktruth art#ktruth posts
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Saw some takes on how Dante and Vergil don't love each other at all and I'm just. Baffled how someone can get into the series and come away thinking that they actually hate each other.
#game blogging#personal thoughts#dmc#im not even speaking in a shipping sense#idc either way about the ship but yeah obvs they arent about to smooch in the games but like#holy hell#people really see fighting and percieve it exclusively as hate?#dante loves vergil so much. even when hes determined to kill vergil for the greater good he STILL tries to save him in the end#and vergil never went for a killing blow either. he's won some of their fights before and yet... dante lives!#their relationship is nuanced. theres jealousy and disappointment and yes. some hatred. but theres always love#dantes main priority in 4 becomes getting Yamato-- a memento of his brother. he only gives it up because nero is vergil's kid#and he spends yeaaaaars grieving the loss of his brother.#and V in dmc5 is like. borderline scared of Dante because he thinks Dante hates him (he killed him! his name brings about immediate rage!)#but ultimately dante is the person he goes to for help first. he has opportunities to hurt him ans then doesnt. he could have won against#dante easily when he first came back if hatred was his motivation. instead he wanted dante to fight when at full strengtg#theres just!! so much to their relationship! i cannot stop rambling#how the fuck does someone genuinely condense that to “they hate each other”
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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welp. Not to be dramatic but. i am so depressed to hear this news abt tumblr. spent the day mostly offline and come back to see everyone talking abt alternative platforms and I just ?? this has been thee only social media I’ve pretty much used since age 14. And it’s pathetic but. I’m gonna feel so fucking lost if one day I wake up and it’s not here anymore.
#also like. just my creative life lives here#and my main blog too has been like where I’ve been involved with writing groups and built up some kind of ‘following’#i always dreamed of y’know promoting my future stuff on my blogs. i have no audience anywhere else#and as someone whose worked from home for the past few yrs it’s just. like this place is a social outlet too#i have some ppl on discord and am in some group chats#but I’ll be so fucking sad if one day this site goes and I completely lose touch with some of y’all#so like. mutuals and pals pls feel free to ask for my discord if you want#and my public insta that I’ll have to dust off is @aestronautics
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#so im gonna be a lil bitch on main for a minute#ive been offline for a while#pretty much absent from all my socials#im in a pickle financially like i have no money anywhere#my credit cards are maxxed#my bank account is negative 400 dollars#im getting 20 dollars less in disability benefits a month without a clear reason for the witholding#granted its only 20 bucks less but that still makes a huge difference when thats my ONLY source of income#AND i am moving into a new apartment which should be an exciting experience finally moving out of my parents house and on my own and all BUT#even with the voucher program i would need an additional 600 to be able to afford my rent share and utilities#on top of being negative 400 dollars a month so now thats -1000#WHICH end result and the crux of this whole rant#i can no longer help#like i am fucking useless right now and people are literally dying#i have many unanswered asks from gazans right now that I cannot even help bc im so broke#it feels really bad bruv like reallybad#feels like absolute shit#and it ust feels so wrong to ask for help when others need it more#like i dont think i could do that#wtf man#is it me upset that my entire disability check goes to bills to the point where i overdraft every month? yeah sure#my art does not sell and ive tried everything! like it just DOES NOT sell#and it all kinda boils down to me not having any sort of following online#i just breached 200 followers here after 13 years on this website#most are inactive blogs from years ago so i maybe have like... 10 active followers?#whiny usamerican rant over for now#delete later
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The Ed Edd n Eddy "purgatory theory" is so boring and stupid. And yet millennials who haven't watched the show since they were 9 will still stand by and defend it with their life. How about instead of inventing some edgy backstory for your childhood shows, you watch it and interpret what is actually there?
#fuck it#eene posting on the main blog#this goes for all those 'dark meanings behind children shows' posts you see all the time#like lets ignore the actually interesting things in these programs and instead make up creepypastas gimmie a breakkk#ed edd n eddy#squack
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silent overservation
#wren.art#vent art#vent#god its so hard to create when you get almost no fucking feedback- especially in a group where everyone else does.#im so fucking tired and im at my limit and i want to just go away but my stupid bpd has attached to someone who doesnt give a shit about me#fuck this it goes on main cuz im too lazy to swtich to my alt#sue me.#not that anyone pays attention to this blog anyways#tw scopophobia#thats the one right?#tw eyes
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this is the second time that this class and this specific assignment has made me meltdown why the fuck is this class taught like this
#ecdysing#moss goes to school#also like. ive been checking my classmates assignments (because its blog posts) and they are all over the board in terms of what#requirements they are meeting or not#so its like hm. nobody fucking knows what they are doing i guess#i am just cursed with caring so fucking much about meeting requirements#so when i dont even know What Those Are it feels like im dying#i emailed the prof to say hey dude your class sucks ass save me#so we shall see how he responds#i want the head of the main professor for this course mounted on my wall tho fuck that guy so much#if i ever meet him i am ripping out his throat on sight
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i am being so fucking autistic about a video game i've only played an hour and a half of and have absorbed like 99% of my information about through osmosis from my bestie(s. it's complicated) and fanfiction. catastrophic levels of autism. i can't stress this in words i don't think y'all understand. or care honestly sdflkjfdskdfsjsfdkj-
#puppy rambles#slightly hurts to know no one seems to really care but eh. can't blame anyone i know y'all follow me for rhythm heaven#i think i have been making high-quality posts though y'all aren't appreciating my incomprehensible rambles about persona enough </3#/lh#(which is funny since this blog isn't even really a rhythm heaven blog anymore i don't think that'll be my main hyperfixation for a bit)#(if ever. it was uhhhhhh. kindddddd of unhealthy. haha lol xd :3)#(turns out a rhythm game that i barely interact with the fandom for is not stimulating enough for my adhd and autism!!! shocking i know)#(i still love rhythm heaven but it was bad for my brain-)#(i'm happy for all the friends i made through it though :333 even if i've only talked to like. one or two of you guys cuz of anxiety)#(and even then just through asks because the idea of interacting with people on tumblr through other means honestly terrifies me)#anyways it's going down now persona 3 reload bops hard idk 99% of the lyrics though#persona songs are good at being incomprehensible. even if you can understand the lyrics i think they're kinda nonsensical sometimes#i mean. check it out i'm in the house like carpet. that's an actual line from a persona song#which is hilarious to me. funniest metaphor#anyways wiping all out is the best persona song i think (<- only actually remembers what like 10 persona songs sound like)#been a little while but i'm still prattling. not a princess (a lot of anger in it) not your cutie girlfriend oh no don't you know#three dots connect to rectangles. demolition#yes i did specifically play p3p and specifically as girl. i probably won't play it more for a while now tho tbh#i kinddddd of spoiled myself on. basically all of the important plot points. through lesbian fanfiction#look can you really blame me. like *vaguely gestures* the door and the toaster are fucking KISSING#they should undoor. i knowwwwww it goes against the game's message but. shut up. i like happy endings#no dead lovers allowed over here >:(#they deserve to be happy and not crucified
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one day ill be annoying ab my selfship again . although i enjoy that ppl enjoy my writing most of this is entirely self indulgent, projection, and for me . being so real .
#wispy chatters#i will never write inbox requests ever again ( /j... but only maybe executive dysfunction hits. )#( i dont know what to rlly write or hc w steven anymore and im in that weird kind of clingy to my interp era where like.#nobody seems to characterize steven right and i feel like im the only one but i dont wanna be a dick but most of its self indulgent so#ill keep it to myself. )#also bc i think i like. already put out all of the imporant steven hcs anyways LOL#ALSO also because ive been busy writing and rping selfship stuff w my friend involving steven instead of writing proper. which#preferable. this was mostly a side hobby to explode all of my hcs onto while i was struggling mentally#and had jack shit else to do.#sorry that i ramble a lot. no im not. this is my fucking blog . But yea#ive also been kind of negative or like. able to be interpreted as negative recently. which. yea kind of#lot of things and interpretations i do not fucking like in this fandom esp ab steven i just keep it to myself.#i just dont like fandom in general esp fanon and steven is such a fanonized character. which. yea he doesnt have much to work with#but hes got enough. idk#life goes on and all . maybe ill make a selfship blog... ill probably snag the url and then never use it.#im talking like im quitting the blog . i do that a lot. im not i just always do whatever i like even if i have 500 unanswered asks.#was easier to focus on writing any char i could in my depression era#its a little sad to see writing and hc posts and im like... i could get in on that. people totally think im a dead blog.#but idk what to add all of the main steven stuff has been squoze outta me.#not entirely but i put my full 100% steven into my self indulgent embarassing thoughts.#buuut yea thats kinda whats been. going on w me ig? Not really? fuck if i know
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i thought you had two blogs [this one and one for art] but then i saw another blog. is it like a blog franchise?
So when I joined tumblr in the year 2011, I didn't know what fandom was. My only blog was onionjuggler, and I used it mainly to follow college and high school friends. Despite reading all of Homestuck, I remained fully unaware of fandom until 2017 when I played Mass Effect and became obsessed with a video game.
In order to not annoy the hell out of my real life friends by reblogging a thousand pictures of Shepard, I made a fandom blog. I still didn't understand fandom or even that the actual purposes of tags on tumblr was for finding fellow fans or whatever, but I was having a good time.
In the space from 2011 to 2024, all but around six of my RL friends have left tumblr, and those six probably go online like once a week. Meanwhile, my fandom habits picked up, and I made a bunch of online friends. This has had the unfortunate effect of my "main" blog being followed by like 6 people (ilu all tho), and my fandom blog having far more people I'm regularly in contact with through this site and people who follow me for whatever reason of their own.
Unfortunately, tumblr doesn't let you switch main blog vs side blog, which mean my follows, asks, and (until a couple months ago) replies all come from onionjuggler. This has confused people for seven years now. The only way to fix it is to delete the original main blog which will promote Baejax to main, and I'm unwilling to nuke onionjuggler because it is my old friends home for aging millennials.
My third blog is actually attached to a completely separate account because I realized my relationship with getting notes on my art made me feel pretty terrible, and I wanted to make it so i can't check that sort of thing on my phone AND so I couldn't compare the notes my reblogged art was getting to the art I personally made. It helped a lot. I highly recommend this for anyone having similar feelings.
Is it a franchise? Probably not. Is it a mess? Yeah. For a while I tried to keep "juggler" in the fandom blog title to make it more obvious, but people started calling me 'Jugs' and for obvious reasons I couldn't let that continue.
#the border of what post goes on what blog is so vague these days#like my RL friends do not get updates on my life from tumblr lmaoooo#so now my personal blog doesn't have any personal posts?#it's all weird dude#and tumblr won't let me collapse the blogs into one#so it is what it is#don't even get me started on how this fucks up blocking#If you block bae I can still see you because my main is onion#if you block onion then I can't see you but you can still see and interact with me but I'll never know it#if I block you it only blocks you from onion meaning same as last#unless I work very hard to find you in my list of followers which is unsearchable#so like yeah it's a whole fuckin thing
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