#fruit meanwhile will not take the lead in anything if you hold a gun to his head

[zero-cycle]

Both Illumina and Fruit need a token person to yell instructions at them in every team they're in to do well. Literally it doesn't matter if said person regularly places 40th or 4th, they just need to be willing to order two S-Tiers around and brace the ensuing internet shitstorm. This is also why Blue9 did so well bc Hbomb went "Okay, Fruit, do your thing, I got the planning" and it worked out beautifully. Both of them are just too nice to actually order their teammates around (even if said teammates want to be ordered around) and everyone ends up floundering around without a clear leader.

Is this secret "this is why Illumina and False should team again and this time she yells at him for being an idiot from Game 1 on" propaganda? You cannot prove anything.

cpk saying "fruit will probably take the lead in this one" while talking about yellow. sir he has never taken the leader role EVER when asked to lead he will beg not his ass is NOT LEADING 🗣️🗣️ unless its sg.

[iolypse]

alright! shit went down last night, huh?

I'm gonna run through the events that took place, then break it all down. (this whole thing is 1.4k+— sorry!)

qcellbit, our newest mad theorist, spent some time going around the island asking the members who've been here the longest about their experiences. how they got to the island, if they remember anything from before the island, the dragon, the duck, the messages, the binary code fuckers, cucurucho, the eggs, etc etc.

one particularly interesting bit of info was given to him by qphilza, who explained the existence of the airships and his investigation of a particularly large one. after showing qcellbit some items he looted from said ship, including a netherite pickaxe, enchanted golden apples, and chorus fruit, he talks about how a binary monster chased him all the way back to mainland, trying to kill him the whole time. he mentions that when accidentally right clicking it, a baby certificate popped up just like what happens when you right click the eggs. he then recounts that qfit threw a bomb to kill the entity, which promptly despawned so they couldn't loot its body.

he says that a short amount of time later, the entity appeared again and gave him a book with coordinates on it. said coordinates lead to an odd machine built at qluzu's house.

later on, qcellbit explains all of this to his fellow theory brothers, and with qphil in tow, they go to investigate. it's exactly as qphil said— an odd machine, specifically a few blocks of which are admin placed, and what looks like a screen that could hold code inside? the machine also has an eight on it. maybe tracking the number of eggs?

(the original number, maybe. there are only seven eggs alive right now, ten eggs have existed total. with tallulah and richarlyson as late additions, yeah, that makes eight original eggs.)

qcellbit, qbad, qmaximus, and qfoolish all discuss this. one of them is suddenly given a book with code that translates to say "LEAVE". they debate this for a little while— is it saying to leave the machine, or leave the island? they aren't sure.

I'm not really caught up on qluzu's lore, but apparently there's some alternate version of qluzu called arin, and arin is a machine of some sort. arin may allegedly be part of the machine they look at now?

they then decide that they need to at least see if it would be possible to escape. the portal that the initial trains came through still exists, so they all leave their kids with qphil and go investigate.

qphil, now alone with chayanne, richarlyson, and leonarda, all of which have a single life, sets up a table and decides to ask them about their past. do they remember anything at all from being kidnapped and returned cracked? no. he turns to richarlyson, then— newest egg, the only one left uncracked— and asks about the dragon. was it small like a little lizard, or large, larger than luzu's house? richarlyson specifically says that he thinks— doesn't know, but thinks— that the dragon is very, very large.

it's then that a binary entity with a name translating to "AI" attacks (very briefly, it appears with cucurucho's skin, though I personally believe this to be a simple glitch unrelated to any actual lore, same with the eggs occasionally appearing with normal mc skins), immediately going for chayanne. qphil quickly sends out messages telling the others to come back now, and he and the eggs try their damned best to fight it off. qphil has to pop an enchanted golden apple, and it seems like the eggs' guns aren't really doing anything. the binary entity isn't going down. it flees just before the others return. they never quite reached the portal.

qphil takes chayanne home after this. chayanne tells him that he's missing his gun. did it break? he's not sure. it might've, but it's gone now.

meanwhile, qroier and qbobby are on a boat ride, far from mainland. they make it to shore, and that's when the binary entity— the same one that just attacked qphil and the eggs he was looking after— attacks. it forces them into the water, and bobby drowns while trying to escape it. the entity exclusively attacked bobby the entire time, not once going after qroier. as soon as bobby was confirmed dead, it swam to the surface and flew off.

there's more that happened after this— I haven't watched the full clips, but some include a mob typically only spawned by the binary entities showing up and attacking qbbh while he and tallulah were making a beach house, and cucurucho appearing within the hidden parts of qcellbit's base while he was in the middle of theorizing.

so! onto the actual analysis part of this bullshit.

the binary entities. there's at least six of them, 01101100 "l" (lowercase L) who originally attacked qphil, 101010110101 (has no direct translation, too many numbers) who attacked arin, 1001010 "J" who attacked qcellbit, 100101001 ")" (?????) who attacked leonarda, 01101001 "i" who attacked qmariana, and now 01000001 01001001 "AI" who attacked qphil and qroier separately (not including other binary entities I may have missed).

some of them are very determined to kill the eggs (looking at AI specifically), while others freely attack players (lowercase L), so it's hard to pinpoint if they have a collective motive here.

I've seen some people theorize that they are the interference in the messages players have been receiving— jumbled numbers and letters and morse code hidden within the videos, a voice asking "are you there?". I would have said they're trying to get players to leave the island by making it more dangerous and more unappealing, getting rid of the eggs so they no longer have any reason to stay, but then there's AI, who specifically attacked while the theory brothers were attempting to escape. A distraction, most certainly— I don't buy that this is a mere coincidence.

something I have noticed is that their activity has been more and more frequent the more the theory brothers spread what they've discovered, today revealing to qroier most everything they've been able to decipher, just a few days ago explaining things to qphil and inviting qcellbit to the group.

clearly they don't want people knowing things. they don't want the code deciphered, they don't want the island residents to learn what's happening beneath the surface.

so they're not trying to get them to leave the island, and the code within the video is likely not theirs (it's in a totally different format anyways— morse code and jumbled numbers and letters as opposed to pure binary code). when they received the book telling them to leave, it most likely meant to leave the machine. they're tormenting the eggs to further build emotional attachment and discourage attempts to escape or solve the code.

so whose code is this, if not the binary entities'?

no fucking clue! I do quite doubt it's cucurucho, and it's most certainly not the duck. it may be an outside source knowledgeable to the census bureau's potential crimes, or a possible survivor and escapist from long ago. the island was definitely once inhabited judging by the run down buildings that existed when the first batch of island residents arrived.

one thing I've been thinking about lately is the fact that they had to bring power to the island.

we haven't really seen anything come of that, have we? why would the island need power? there's odd outlets put in the wall, what's their use? why would something need to be linked to the wall?

wasn't the attempt kind of unsuccessful? both groups fucked up the puzzle in the train station, but they were let out anyway?

small little theory of mine is that they somehow drew power from the eggs to bring the brazilians there, cracking them in the process, but I really don't have any proof or anything to back this up. it's just a potential explanation as to why the eggs disappeared and came back cracked on the very same day the brazilians arrived.

I will say that some of the eggs have acted somewhat different since that all happened. while it may just be a response to the trauma they experienced, I feel like chayanne and tallulah have both been wandering a lot more than they used to lately. they always stuck fairly close to their parents, but it seems like they've both been straying a bit.

I'm honestly spitballing at this point, just trying to get a grasp on all this info. at the very least, I'm almost 100% certain the dragon never existed, and something is super fucking wrong with this island!

[fizzingwizard]

Digimon Adventure: Ep 19!

Wow! That certainly was an Episode!! It was pretty fun from start to finish, though nothing mind-blowing, but it was definitely the ending that made me gasp. Not wholly unexpected to an old turnip like me, but promising lots of fun (and angst!).

Picture of the week: MIKO, THE TRUE STAR OF THE SERIES!!

no for serious are the writers reading my reviews? they keep giving me what I want. within reason I guess. They seem to have an extremely limited budget as usual x’D

but Miko is still adorbs

ok I’m really looking forward to recapping this one so let’s get to it!

So last week I thought the kids sans Taichi and Yamato were abducted by Devimon, but apparently that either isn’t the case, or it was, but then Devimon decided it’s best just to dump the kids back on Earth and hold on to their partners. Because that’s the current situation. While concerning that the kids are separated from their partners, it’s probably best this way, since Devimon appears to be sending Gesomon(?) and Parrotmon(?)

to the human world, if I remember right. It’s hard to remember what happened in the first fifteen seconds kay So when the kids find their partners it will probably be in the human world and they can fight back.

Meanwhile Taichi and Yamato are alone and very Confuse

Taichi tries frantically to contact Koushirou. The others too... but especially Koushirou.

Finally he gets him!! He’s so happy!! My Taishiro heart flutters!

But I was fully expecting it to be a trap. When I saw this still here, my first thought was “Devimon’s forcing him to tell Taichi a lie by threatening him with a gun!!”

of course thats not whats happening. Koushirou is relatively fine and there are no guns (yet). What’s happened is the other kids have been sent back to the human world for reals this time!

This show is not even bothering to hide its Taiyama angle.

They spend the entire episode giving each other Significant Looks like this. The entire episode.

Now where’s Jou through all of this, you ask?

He went to talk to the police. He’s shocked they don’t believe his story about monster attacks and the world ending (well, at least Tokyo ending). I freaking love how taaaaall Jou is. Though it makes Koushirou look like a bean x’D

Jou = beansprout / Koushirou = bean

Koushirou has a much easier time dealing with the news that the police don’t believe them. He’s a denizen of the Internet. He knows how people’s minds work. And he has tons of chat logs to prove it.

People are chatting and spreading gossip and disbelief and complaints, but my favorite is the comment that just says “It’s a flood of fake news” xP

The home team runs into Mama Yagami! Who Sora literally calls Mama Yagami! x’D I mean I know that’s how kids generally refer to their friends’ parents but I still lol’d.

So un... Jou is almost as tall as Mama Yagami. LMAO. I’m gonna assume she’s short. Jou might indeed be quite tall for his age but Sora and Mimi are pretty close to Mama Yagami’s height too. I guess we haven’t seen Taichi standing next to his mom yet! With his hair he’s probably taller than her.

So Mama Yagami is HILARIOUS and I’m so glad that’s a continuing thing in the reboot! She was already that way in 99 Adventure, but we’re just seeing a lot of it now - like every time she’s around. (And we didn’t see it in Tri so I missed that.) Basically she seems like a basketcase. Not a totally irresponsible one, more like just... generally the carefree go with the flow type. Which is not bad. She just also seems a bit, uh, ditzy?? I think Taichi probably grew to be so serious by necessity. Dad’s busy with work and someone’s gotta make sure mom doesn’t leave the house without her keys!

The way Sora just stares at Hikari like “explain??” after Mama Yagami thrusts Miko at her and runs off to get her car with a big smile as if they hadn’t all nearly died recently... bahahaha.

also I love how she doesn’t even bother asking her son’s good friend if she knows where he is after not seeing or hearing from him for three full days

^The face of a boy shouldering the weight of nuclear family life and all its batshitness

Taichi and Yamato determine their priority is find the Holy Digimon. I wish they were a little more concerned with what happened to their friends’ partners, but I guess this is the only goal with solid clues. Anyway before they can do anything they are attacked by Bulbmon Looks like subtitlers went with Valvemon which also works, who looks like a Lego monster creation by an eight year old (and probably is).

He has the Domo face. Grrraaah

Domo is NHK mascot by the way. bahahaha

Next these guys come swarming out of Valvemon. (And if we didn’t already get it, apparently Digimon can construct other Digimon as we’ve seen before.) Nothing is quite as freaky as gas masks. They are commanded by Minotaurmon/Mintaromon whatever.

They too have the aim of Stormtroopers though so our heroes will be fine...

... probably...

... then Leomon finally shows up!! Yay! He looks good! All beefy and scarred and sounding exactly like Zaraki Kenpachi. Uhh. Is it the same VA?? Nothing comes up in the Google search so maybe not but it sure sounds like him. (Minotaurmon and Ogremon also sound like Leomon... while it’s normal for VAs in kids shows to voice multiple characters esp minor ones, it literally sounds like Zaraki Kenpachi is the voice of all the characters in this episode besides the main ones. And Mama Yagami of course because that would be weird.)

Leomon may look cool, but his ride... and his friends... uh, less cool x’D I want to strangle that ostrich thing with its own scarf somehow it inspires violent emotion in me

In the smallest, most shocked voice, Yamato says, “Leomon...?” It’s honestly kind of adorable. He’s clearly remembering what Neemon said about Leomon leading the resistance way back when.

Leomon helps them escape. Taichi very considerately and cutely helps Agumon aboard the fashion disaster ostrich emu thing.

Yamato also considerately helps his partner but rather less cutely xD

Leomon takes them to his hideout and gives them your standard fare of weird-looking Digi fruit. He then proceeds to tell them about Devimon and that he is trying to infiltrate Valvemon yadda yadda.

Taichi is freaking ADORABLE, immediately concerned that by saving their asses, Leomon’s battle plans have been ruined. Leomon waves that aside though. Yamato is equally adorabibble when he asks after Neemon and gets told that they made it to Leomon safely.

Leomon plans to try to get into Valvemon again because he knows Devimon’s put something related to the holy Digimon in there. Taichi is determined to join in. He doesn’t have much of an argument as it why they should be allowed when they just got their butts kicked so easily, but he has a trick up his sleeve: the Burning Eyes of Fiery Passion.

Not to be outdone, Yamato shoots off his Icy Eyes of Cold Determination.

Faced with this twin assault, Leomon has to give in. Ahh, I remember last week when we saw the trailer for this ep and I naively thought Leomon would train them like Piximon did in 99 Adventure. Nope. They’ve just met and they’re already spy buddies.

Okay, okay, yeah Leomon does seem to have some knowledge of the “Chosen Children” and that’s his real motivation. Still.

They break into Valvemon and we get the excellent invention of Agumon riding on Garurumon. I assume because of Garurumon’s advantageous speed. That seems to be recurring thing in this show.

Idk I just capped this because he’s so darn cute

I don’t know why I capped this one though.

They enter some sort of central space where Leomon tells them something relevant to the holy Digimon is being kept. (Lol I already forgot the details of what he said.) There are two protectors, Minotaurmon and Bullmon. Leomon tells the kids to take Bullmon while he faces down Minotaurmon. These guys might have been somewhat intimidating if we hadn’t already got Perfect level evolutions mastered, not to mention the occasional Jogress :P Sooo I didn’t feel too worried.

... uh, never mind x’D Taichi what are you doing

Yamato saves his idiot butt and almost gets in a bind himself. Once again I’m just wondering why they are sticking at Adult level. Whatever. They win of course

Leomon uses his Fist of the Beast King to maim Minotaurmon. His brilliant one-liner? “I have more than one first.”

Bully: *punches you*

You: ow

Bully: *smirk* I have more than one fist.

You: That’s funny, I only have one, but it’s made of titanium *You punch the bully straight through the stratosphere* Quality over quantity!!!!

*cough*

Our heroes approach the secret compartment supposedly holding something to do with the holy Digimon... Yamato gets a look inside and gets the black shadow of true terror over his eyes

becaue floating inside like some kind of Weapon X experiment is... Takeru!!!

Hold on while I put in my ear plugs. Okay, ready, screech all you want now.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

So... okay. First of all, baby Takeru is sooooooo cute <3 I had two predictions about what happened to Takeru last week. Either he ended up in the digital world and was now on his own, or he got abducted by Devimon. I thought the former was more likely, but in hindsight, it should have been obvious that it was the second. This show misses a lot of points where I feel like they could have developed some relationships or thrown in some drama, but it never passes up a chance for Yamato angst.

So yeah, this is pretty much gonna destroy Yamato xD Not only is the baby brother he wanted to protect no longer at home where he can easily protect him, he’s now in the digital world and in the enemy’s clutches.

I BETTER SEE REALLY TRAUMATIZED YAMATO NEXT WEEK. Of course, I expect him to be cool-headed enough to try to save Takeru, but I will be very disappoint if this goes off with no break downs at all. Takeru is always Yamato’s number one priority!

Super exciteddddd

So I give this ep 7.5/10. The .5 is pretty much for ending with a killer cliffhanger. My one real complaint about this ep is how highly plot-based everything is - we finally got the team all together only to split them up, and on top of that, once split up, we don’t even get all that many character moments between Taichi and Yamato. As I said, they give each other lots of Signifcant Looks, but man cannot live on bread alone. However this is par for the course for this show and I know I should stop mentioning it every week because I doubt it’s changing. We will get the big shockers when we get them and not a moment before.

I just want Yamato to cry in front of Taichi and make him all uncomfortable x’D That’s what made 99 Adventure so great bahahaha

Some cool bits from next week’s trailer:

Surprise surprise, Angemon is the holy Digimon! Or one of, anyway. And he is indeed trapped. This makes the “Angemon is Devimon” theory less likely. Let’s not forget that our heroes’ Digimon partners were evidently a band of powerful warriors in the past, but they’ve forgotten much of it. I won’t be surprised if the result of that war played a part in Angemon’s abduction.

Next week they’ll have to fight to save Takeru from being drained, I guess.

And then!! Digi egg! Excite. Also I only just noticed that his hate says TK!!!

Takeruuu <3 My first fav when I was 10. Though my heart has belonged to Taichi for many long years, I still have a special spot in it for Takeru only <3 Even if he does dress like a celery stick

[real-jaune-isms]

RWBY Volume 8 Chapter 9 Review/Remix

I cannot in good conscience joke that Rooster Teeth intended to go on a week’s hiatus after this cliffhanger, but I will say this was a hell of an episode for it to happen after. And while we wait to see what happens next, let’s take a little look at what’s happened here and now.

For the sake of not dividing up the action, let’s first cover what’s happening on the battlefield outside of Monstra. We open on a sweeping shot of the carnage thus far and see a good few nameless Atlesian soldier corpses to get our spirits plummeting. But Grimm don’t (with one terrifying exception) leave corpses so we don’t know how many of them have been taken out up to this point. It could be a very significant number, more than the body count on the human side! But Monstra keeps making more and we don’t have a way to replenish our forces so... it’s an endurance game more than anything else.

In a tactic I really didn’t see coming, the Atlas forces have dug trenches to fight out of like World War 1 soldiers. It makes sense, there are Grimm that we have seen have ranged projectiles so cover is a good move and it gives them a place to go over strategies before climbing out and going on the offensive. Just didn’t expect nearly century old battle strategy from an army with robots and mechs. Whatever works, I guess. We get a look in one of these trenches to see Winter briefing a squad on the plan to keep this area secure since it’s where an airship will be dropping off the bomb, and once it arrives their mission becomes escorting it inside Monstra. Amazingly, we can recognize 4 people in this squad as the members of Team FNKI! And WOW do they look out of place wearing the standard Atlesian soldier armor rather than their colorful and creative street clothes... Even their spunky personalities are taking a hit in this desperate situation. The next wave is approaching so everyone climbs out to start fighting back, and Marrow is shown a short ways away visibly upset over how many of their forces are just kids. Elm tells him to save the musings for after the fighting is done, and that does kick him into gear a bit. Everyone does a good job of handling the Grimm, Flynt and Neon tag teaming to take out a Goliath, and pretty soon the airship does touch down with the bomb. Left to his own thoughts, Marrow stares wistfully at Monstra and wishes good luck to “Juan”. Glad some things still haven’t changed.

Winter goes into the hold to sign off on its delivery, and Marrow follows her in to beg for a little more time for Yang and the others to get out first. She tells him they’ve allowed all the time they can and now it’s up to the teens to handle themselves. He calls her on this ambivalence, asks her if she’d be so dismissive if it were Weiss inside the whale. And for that matter, how is she going to be able to face Weiss and tell her 4 of her friends are dead because of Winter’s decision? Winter is visibly discomforted by that thought, but steels her nerve and replies that she will do so if she has to because that’s part of the job, so he should worry about doing his job. But you can tell she takes no pride in the job at this point. 

With all of that battlefield drama out of the way, let’s talk about that group’s journey inside the whale. Through unseen means they managed to get inside, but the hallways all look the same and they aren’t finding a map any time soon. Yang points out this is like finding a needle in a... giant whale. More wonderful wit, brightens the mood immensely. Ren takes this opportunity to tell them about his new Semblance ability and says that he can use it as a sort of radar for other humans by sensing where the spikes of their emotions are. He can’t tell which one is Oscar, but he knows they’re all deeper inside Monstra so he’ll lead the way. Jaune reminds Ren that he can give him a boost with his own Semblance if he needs it, and Ren sheepishly agrees. Guess he’s still getting used to letting others in and being open about when he needs support. That was part of their whole three way argument on the tundra earlier this Volume after all. So this is them putting aside their differences and settling that. Jaune gives him some awkward finger guns and they head off.

We cut to Oscar lying on the floor of his holding room quoting a fairy tale to himself. Oz recognizes the quote as being from “The Girl Who Fell Through the World”, and Oscar isn’t shocked Oz knows it so well. He admits that yes, he did live through his fair share of events that became fairy tales. This particular story isn’t in the officially released book of Remnant’s fairy tales so we have to make some guess work about its plot and overall lesson. It seems to be a sort of mix of Wizard of Oz and the Hobbit where a girl craves to see the wider world and gets that chance through an adventure but when she returns she finds she can never quite fit in again because the journey has changed who she is forever. Oscar admits he’s growing to identify with the heroine of that story more and more by the day because he too has been sent through Remnant and come out the other side unable to feel the same innocent joy he did before he knew what the world really is. Oz thinks they may have to drop their plan of creating traitors in Salem’s ranks because it’s bearing no fruit, and suggests they start thinking about how to get his cane and get out of here themselves. Oscar has reservations about that, because apparently the more he uses Oz’s magic the quicker his soul is heading towards being lost as another past life for the single continuing existence that is Oz to look back on. Oz doesn’t blame him for wanting to delay that, and thinks just being Oscar is serving him pretty well. They don’t have time for further musings because Hazel comes in and drags the poor kid out of the room by the collar of his shirt.

Turns out they’re taking a trip over to the Home Depot, because Hazel is looking to procure a Lamp. He only half believes Oscar’s explanation of how Jinn works, so he wants to test it before taking the news to Salem and risking losing his head for reporting a lie. And if it does work, I guess he wants to know what that will entail. So he’s gonna make Oscar do it here and now. Before they can get underway with that, in comes Emerald to ask just what the hell they’re doing. Let’s find out, Hazel simply replies. That’s all the go ahead Oscar needs, and he calls for Jinn. Again, time stops around them and Jinn emerges from the blue smoke. She’s gotten a bit of an update to her model since Volume 6, and she’s as captivating as ever. Naturally, she wants to know what question they have of her, but no one seems to have one they urgently need answered. Hazel got all the answers he needed just by knowing Oscar was being honest about this and thus probably about a lot of other important matters. He decides now is the time to switch sides once and for all, he’s going to help Oscar AND Emerald get the hell out of here because neither of them deserve to be under Salem’s thumb. Oscar plays a little of the pronoun game and implies he wants his cane back before they leave, and Hazel seems to have no problem with that. Jinn remains playful, but must be getting pretty damn fed up with people summoning her without having a question to ask. Oscar deems it necessary to tell her that they’ll be taking her with them when they leave, as if that’s an alternative she was going to give much of a damn about. Hazel doesn’t think that’s a good idea, it’s the most prized item in Salem’s possession and she’s clearly going to know if it’s taken. He decides he’ll make a return trip to swipe it after the kids are out of the danger zone. They all head out as Jinn starts to fade into her cloud of smoke, but it seems they were not the only ones in the room at this time. With perfect chameleon-like camouflage, Neo was hiding in the shadows near the doorway, and emerges from nowhere like the Cheshire Cat. Now she’s alone with the Lamp and the knowledge of how it works. If only she could actually talk...

Back to our intrepid trio of heroes, Jaune is running on fumes with his Aura so he has to stop amping Ren’s Semblance. Ren apologizes of course, it does take a lot for him to both mask their emotional presences and search for other people at once, but Jaune says it’s fine. He’ll scout ahead while Ren takes a breather and doesn’t mask for a little while. With directions for where they need to be heading, Jaune jogs away full of optimism. Yang jokes about the two men patching things up after their spat the evening prior, but he decides its time for some patented Lie Ren wisdom. “It’s okay to be afraid, you don’t always have to hide it with a joke”. He’s not gonna judge her if she’s not in happy go lucky fun time mode, this is a seriously terrifying situation and she’s allowed to show fear and hesitation. At least, that’s the message I extrapolated from this and what we already know about Yang. Ren assures her he is scared too, but amazingly he can’t sense any such doubt or fear from Jaune. That man has full confidence and hope in getting this done, and if he believes then so will they. I really like that, it shows how much Jaune has grown from the noodle boy we first met. Speaking of the lad, he comes running back and tells Ren to mask them ASAP. A Seer is coming down the hall, and they hide from its view for as long as possible. But Ren is running low on Aura too and the effect wears off just before they’re in the clear.

Meanwhile, Hazel and Emerald are walking down a separate hallway and the former asks “You sure he’ll be okay on his own?” Clearly this means they let Oscar out of their sight so he can go get his cane, which shows a lot of confidence in the lad from these former captors. Emerald doesn’t have a clear answer yet, but she does stop Hazel and have him stand against the wall next to her. Salem is coming this way, and they need to let her pass. She stops, and naturally asks Hazel for an update on Ozcar. If he’s out here that must mean he has something to report. So, has he given up what they need yet? Hazel seems to immediately be cracking under pressure, the guy has no experience with lying or deception. Before he can stammer in place for too long, the Seers start wailing in the distance and that gets Salem’s attention instead. She realizes they have unexpected visitors, then almost immediately panics as she seems to realize the Lamp has been taken and these interlopers are surely to blame. Salem speeds off with all the grace of a kid riding a hoverboard, and it’s really quite amusing. I mean, we see her move her legs to walk but she just floats instead of running. We go back to the heroes finishing off the wave of what seemed to be Sabyrs that had come after them, and they decide to keep moving forward no matter the danger. Clever use of that phrase so near and dear to our hearts, and its good to see them gung ho about fighting their way through Monstra if it means finding Oscar.

They round a few more corners and find themselves face to face with Emerald and Hazel, and they’re none too happy about that. But good news comes suddenly, and Hazel steps forward to try and talk the situation down... only to be revealed to have actually been Oscar under the disguise of Emerald’s Semblance this whole time. She really is getting good at those illusions, it fooled Salem and was able to be cast on Jaune Ren and Yang at once. They are immediately much more happy to see Oscar alive and well, although the bear hug Jaune pulls him into might not help him heal any faster from the beatings he’s been getting. They still don’t know what to make of the fact that he was walking around with Emerald, and as soon as she makes a snippy remark they’re back on their guard. Oscar doesn’t quite know how to summarize everything that lead to this, but Yang insists someone give it a try. Emerald WAS the one who tricked her into “breaking” Mercury’s leg and becoming a public menace in Volume 3, she’s gonna need some good reasons to trust her now. Surprisingly, it’s Ren who has such an answer. Emerald is scared just like them, which would seem to show she is very much unhappy with being on this side of the fight and she wants to get out of this bad scenario. Em isn’t about to agree with that sort of admission of weakness, but she does have her own reason. She knows the way out, so if they want to leave they’ll all be leaving together. That’s enough to satisfy them for now, and they all get going.

They make it 90% of the way there, the ramping path down and out is just ahead of them... when Monstra starts pulsing and wailing. Emerald recognizes this influence, and she is frightened. The wall nearest to Oscar explodes, and Salem has arrived. She instantly takes stock of the situation, and deems Emerald the traitor in need of punishment for letting their prisoner out so she stretches her arms like my favorite rubber pirate and holds the poor thief closely with the intent to start that punishment immediately. She commends the girl for the improvements to her Semblance, but beneath the surface she is furious. Yang and Ren start shooting, and the fight with Salem has finally begun. She dodges the gunfire and responds with a beam of magic that Jaune jumps in the way to tank for Ren with his shield. They’re sent aback while Yang leaps in to unload a rapid volley of punches to Salem’s chest. A more baller move than punching this immortal witch in the titties, I never have seen. But that wasn’t all she did, she was actually leaving a bunch of sticky bombs that she jumps away and detonates all at once. Salem’s torso is blasted out of shape and she’s bending so far back you’d assume she’s the world’s greatest contortionist, but that doesn’t slow her down. She stretches out an arm to grab Yang tightly by the wrist and starts pulling her in as her chest starts to repair and reform at a rapid pace. Now it’s Oscar’s turn to attempt a rescue of his female companions, and he blasts some magic at Salem. Guess that fear of merging faster was kicked to the curb as soon as other people’s lives were on the line, and that’s pretty noble of him. But it’s a fairly weak blast, and Salem employs the classic strategy of hitting that motherfucker with another motherfucker by tossing Yang at him. Then she grows a bunch of Grimm arms from the floor to hold everybody down and leave them at her mercy. Emerald gets the special privilege of being held against a wall by some arms rather than on the ground, and is questioned on what she did with the Lamp. It’s missing, and Salem is dead certain Emerald is to blame despite her pleading insistence she hasn’t taken it and doesn’t know where it is now. Great job Neo, you made life that much harder for your former allies... Since Emerald isn’t offering any answers, Salem turns her attention to Oscar. At first it seems aloof and mysterious like before, but then she just lunges and grabs his face in anger. She’s mad that he keeps coming back to try and help this weak and selfish race instead of just letting her wreck it and end herself with the whole lot, as if he hasn’t already explained that he’s being forced to reincarnate by the gods she hates so much. But Yang is the one who snaps back, asking why Salem is so persistent. Sure, she had a tragic backstory and lost the love of her life. But that was thousands of years ago, she’s had plenty of time to get over it and move on. To grieve and accept Ozma was gone and be better. Instead she got pissed she couldn’t have her fairy tale ending and decided to make that everyone else’s problem. Salem has been the cause of almost every problem that has plagued Remnant since before the Great War, and Yang is calling her on it here and now. Go off, queen. Salem wonders just who Yang has lost to make her so indignant and so much more worthy of complaining and being the victim here than herself. Let’s list these losses, shall we?

Raven left home out of fear of Salem and her own hang ups with personal connections stemming from her upbringing (bandit lifestyle being so popular because there’s always towns to scavenge with Salem leading the Grimm)

Summer Rose is dead directly because of clashing with Salem

Pyrrha Nikos

Penny (she is back but there was still a lot of grieving on Ruby’s part and it had to affect Yang too)

About a dozen other Beacon students and visiting academy fighters at the Fall of Beacon, some of whom she probably got to know decently outside the ring and certainly respected as fighters in this defense effort

An arm because Adam was working under Salem and came to Beacon with vengeful intentions for Blake

About a year of PTSD nightmares flashbacks and involuntary fearful shaking

Her bond with Blake was fractured to hell and back because of the above incident, they’re damn lucky it was strong enough to be reforged with hard work and trust later

Now, some of those examples are a lot stronger than others, but they all affected her to some degree or another and all relate back to Salem. Naturally, she chooses the strongest example and says she lost her mom Summer Rose. This can be seen as throwing Raven under the bus as not being her mom in Yang’s eyes, but honestly after Volume 5 it just makes sense and it’s not like Raven would try to argue about it. Curiously, hearing Summer’s name just gives Salem a Cheshire Cat grin. I’m now realizing this is my second reference to that character in this review, but Alice in Wonderland is just that relatable here. Clearly she knows more than she’s letting on about Summer’s demise. Before we can get any more answers, Hazel arrives on the scene still playing the loyal subordinate role. Salem tells him she’s caught the traitor on their midst and he needs to take Oscar back to his room while she handles disciplining Emerald. He takes stock of all the kids trapped as he heads over to grab Oscar as asked, then pulls him in close to whisper “No more Gretchens, boy” in his ear. He suddenly drops him to ground again and turns to approach Salem. Oscar notices he was given his cane back when he wasn’t looking, and realizes what’s going to happen pretty quickly.

Salem holds a glowing ball of magic up to Emerald’s cheek with the implication that direct contac will be painful and possibly burning. Even under this threat of torture, Emerald has no answers and the fear of the seemingly inevitable brings her to tears. Lucky for her she gets a last minute save as Hazel runs up and sucker punches Salem, sending her flying a hundred feet through the air! She immediately recovers and starts flying before she can hit the ground, but the line in the sand has been drawn. As soon as she got sent flying the arms went away and all the kids were free to run away, which Hazel loudly yells for them to do as he rips his vest off and starts stabbing his shoulders and forearms with Dust crystals. Emerald lingers and wordlessly tries to talk him out of this, to run away with the rest of them. He just gives her a smile and turns towards his enemy. Salem asks if he really wants to turn his back on the path to vengeance she had promised him, and he responds that he’s instead choosing the righteous path his sister would have taken. Following her example is now the best way he can think to do right by her. So he’s gonna do that by using fire Dust to set his knuckle guards ablaze. She sends magic his way but the lightning Dust helps him quickly dodge and then he punches fireballs at her. He uses Revali’s Gale... I mean uses some air Dust to create an updraft and launch himself above her. He smashes some earth and fire Dust together to make a ball of spiky molten rock that he throws onto Salem and sends her crashing to the ground with an explosive impact. Then he just starts whaling on her, sending blood flying in 3 different directions and demolishing her upper body. But she makes more arms to hold him up in the air while she regrows her face. Emerald is still watching, not having moved an inch yet, but finally she decides retreat will be for the best. It’s why he’s doing this at all. Jaune seems to be doing a headcount as everyone runs past him, and realizes Oscar hasn’t left. He hasn’t made any moves to leave, in fact he seems like he’s getting ready to fight too. She’ll just keep coming after them at this rate, and Oscar seems to have a plan to change that. Salem shoots another magic beam at the now pinned Hazel, but he’s strong enough to pull against the arms and guard his exposed torso and put up a visible bubble shield of Aura. So she just tosses him away and immediately goes to where he landed and starts bashing his head into the ground. Oscar steadies his stance and readies his staff for whatever move this is gonna be. Salem notices and is ready to take him down before it can be ready, but Hazel continues to be a boss and gets her in a Full Nelson hold to keep her from going anywhere. She grabs his legs with a bunch of summoned arms, but it doesn’t discourage him. In a final act of vengeance, he bites down on a crystal of fire Dust he had popped into his mouth before grabbing her and they are both set on fire. She can’t escape his grip, and the fire seems like it’s hurting pretty bad. It’s only natural that they would reference the Salem Witch Trials by burning a witch named Salem, and I appreciate the idea very much. Oscar finishes charging up his staff for his attack, and Hazel gives him the go ahead. He knows this will kill him too, and he accepts that. It’s absolutely the same situation as Piccolo killing Goku and Raditz with the Makankösappö in the first arc of Dragon Ball Z, and that too is something I love to see. So Oscar puts up a magic shield and unleashes a blinding wave of golden light from the staff.

Fade to black.

Roll Credits.

[psychosistr]

The Third Caballero- Chapter 1

Summary: Donald Duck is spending Christmas with his family and closest friends, enjoying the festivities and sharing some exciting news with his partners, Panchito and José.

Notes: This is a Ducktales/Legend of the Three Caballeros Anastasia inspired AU. Credit for the inspiration goes to @levtuve​ for making these really cool pictures that gave me the idea to write this story!

Next Chapter->

It was yet another lively night in the municipality of Vera Cruz, Bahia- a bright and vibrant port town located in Brazil. Party-goers were out in full swing, celebrating Christmas Eve throughout the state with lots of energy and loud calls of “Feliz Natal!” and “Feliz Natal e Feliz Ano Novo!”.

One surprising location for festivities was a huge, lavish mansion along the coast with a large, embellished golden image of an American dollar sign on the front of the building- making it look more than a little gaudy compared to the other buildings along the coast, but the owner of the mansion and its residents hardly minded. Well, more accurately, most of them were temporary residents, as this was actually one of several vacation homes/work bases for the richest duck in the world- Scrooge McDuck.

Normally, the grumpy old miser wasn’t one for parties, but it was a special occasion: It was his grand-nephews’ first Christmas! His niece, Della, had brought three bouncing baby boys into the world back in April (though the bouncing didn’t really begin until they hatched a month later, even if Della’s brother, Donald, almost made one bounce when he accidentally dropped one of the eggs) and this year marked many of their first holidays with the family. Scrooge promised himself that after their first birthday party, the over-abundance of joy and expensive festivities would be reigned back for at least another ten years. He wasn’t made of money, darn it all…even if he did have more of it than anyone could probably spend in a lifetime…

Still, all things said and done, it was a pretty lively party. Not one of his corporate-level holiday bashes where he invited business associates and every coworker under the sun (those were saved for back in Duckburg), but all of the family, friends, and friends of family and family of friends that turned up certainly ensured a full-house. There was music in the air, people dancing and singing Christmas songs in a variety of languages, and a large spread of food and drinks from around the world.

One happy-go-lucky duck in particular, Scrooge’s nephew Donald, seemed to be having the time of his life. It was a special occasion, so, instead of wearing his usual blue sailor outfit, he donned a sleek black-and-white one with a matching cap- special occasions deserved special outfits, after all.

Donald didn’t normally like places so packed with people that he kept bumping into someone every five seconds, but it was hard to be upset when each accidental collision resulted in a much needed conversation or an excited hug. He kept going back and forth between various family members he hadn’t heard from in a while due to his service with the navy, friends he hadn’t seen in person aside from the occasional video call, and his sister who was singing Christmas carols to her boys while attempting to feed them or at least prevent them from eating their new toys.

The one group he kept coming back to most, though, was a pair of brightly colored birds who certainly stood out amongst all the ducks and geese in the room: One was a green parrot dressed in a yellow outfit resembling a classic Malandros with a matching hat and a black bowtie on his high white collar. He had an air of charm about him as he smoked a cigar (careful to do so far away from the bebês, of course) and leaned against a black umbrella in his hand as if it were a cane. The other bird was a brown and red rooster with white hands dressed in a red outfit consisting of charro pants and a bolero jacket with spurs on his feet, a gun belt with two holstered pistols around his waist, and a giant sombrero on his head. He came off as more energetic than his green counterpart, but it was the kind of energy born of excitement and happiness that was incredibly infectious to anyone who approached him.

“José! Panchito!” Donald made his way to the pair for what was probably the fiftieth time that night, this time haphazardly balancing stacks of plates and over-filled cups in his arms. “Hey! Sorry I took so long!” Donald started in his odd but unique voice as he brought over the food and drinks. “There was a HUGE line for the pu-” His sentence turned into one of his infamous squawking sounds when his foot caught on the edge of the fancy imported rug under their feet. “!!!!” He started to fall over, arms flailing and the food and drinks becoming airborne.

The other two birds acted quickly, springing into action to assist their amigo.

First the green parrot, José, moved towards Donald and caught him mid-fall with one arm. He smiled charmingly at the flustered duck and, with a chuckle, gave him a wink that made the other’s cheeks turn red under his white feathers. “This is the fifth time tonight I’ve had to catch you, querido. If you wanted a dance, you could have just asked.” With his unoccupied hand, José gave his umbrella a twirl so that it pointed upwards and, with surprising accuracy, moved it so that he caught the three glasses of fruit punch in a neat stack right on the tip of his umbrella without spilling a drop on the expensive (though likely bought for a bargain) rug.

“¡Ay, caramba!” Meanwhile the rooster, Panchito, made a bit of a show out of catching the plates of food. He jumped into the air to catch the first plate in his left hand, then, while still in the air, he tapped the next closest plate with his foot so that it careened close enough to be caught in his right one. He did a flip before landing dramatically on one knee with his head angled slightly, the third plate landing perfectly on the tip of his sombrero. At a round of applause from the few onlookers nearest the trio, Panchito jumped back up to his feet and gave a bow of his head in thanks (careful not to tip the plate on his hat over) before joining his amantes and catching the end of the green one’s sentence. “Haha! I dunno, Zé- this is about what I’d expect from our Donald’s dance skills!” He joked while holding their plates out for them.

“Not true!” Donald tried to defend himself while standing up fully to (somewhat reluctantly) get out of José’s arms. “I can samba just fine, and you know it!” His cheeks puffed out as he sulked, grabbing the offered plate of food and stuffing a handful of chips into his mouth while muttering angrily under his breath.

“Sim, sim, we know, querido.” José chuckled softly while lowering his umbrella, allowing each of them to grab their drink from the stack on its tip. Once all the drinks were safely in-hand, he twirled the umbrella back around and let the hook of the handle catch on his arm, freeing his other hand to take his own plate from Panchito as well. “Though, you do have to admit, something does usually end up breaking whenever you dance.”

“No it doesn’t!” Donald tried to defend himself again, becoming even more aggravated and flustered. “At least…not when I dance with you guys…” He mumbled the last part of his sentence, glancing away and nibbling on a celery stalk in an attempt to avoid saying anything else.

The other two birds gazed at him with equally fond looks and soft smiles on their faces.

“El es tan lindo.” Panchito sighed.

“Ele é muito fofo.” José sighed at the same time.

Grinning, the two latin birds came up on either side of Donald, effectively trapping him between them, and gave him a matching pair of kisses on his cheeks.

Donald squawked and nearly dropped his food and drink again, his whole face turning red enough to be seen through his feathers this time. “H-Hey! Cut that out! Give me a warning next time!”

Panchito let out a loud laugh and hooked his arm around Donald’s shoulders. “Como quieras, mi amigo! From now on we’ll tell you every time we’re about to kiss you!”

“Concordo.” José said while sliding his own arm around Donald’s waist so that his hand rested on his opposite hip. “For example: We’re about to kiss you again.” Was the only warning he gave before he and Panchito each gave him another kiss on the cheek.

Donald groaned and tipped his head down, unable to hide his face in his hands since they were both full and effectively being held away from him due to the arms wrapped around him. “You two are despicable…”

“No, merely incorrigible!” José corrected with a smile. “We have to get our fill of you before your next tour.”

Although it came off as light-hearted and flirtatious, the reminder of their imminent separation during Donald’s naval tours never failed to bring a touch of somberness and melancholy to their mood.

“Speaking of,” Panchito started while squeezing Donald’s shoulders a touch tighter, though never enough to actually hurt him, of course. “When are you being sent out again? Any ideas, amigo?”

“Actually…” Donald began, swallowing even though he had nothing in his mouth at the moment. “I wanted to talk to you guys about that.”

“??” A matching pair of inquisitive, curious eyes looked at Donald expectantly.

“Not here.” Donald said while glancing around at the bustling, packed room full of beloved but nosey family members.

He gestured for them to follow him with a nod of his head towards the staircase leading to the upper levels of the mansion- an area that wasn’t currently being used for the party and was mostly empty at this time. José and Panchito followed him up the steps and through the long hallways without hesitation, eagerly anticipating their dear friend’s words. They all made sure to finish their food and drinks along the way to ensure there would be no distractions whatsoever, leaving the dishes on a coffee table in the hall to be collected on their way back.

Once they were all standing together in the mansion’s library with the door closed to block out any bits of conversations from unintentional eavesdroppers, Panchito finally broke the silence the three had been walking in on their way up. “What did you want to tell us, amigo? Did something happen?” He was concerned. It normally took a lot to break the rooster’s good mood, but Donald being quiet was worrisome to anyone who knew the duck as well as he and José did.

Judging by the look on the parrot’s face, he shared his parceiro’s concerns. “Are you in some sort of trouble?”

“Yes- I mean, no.” Donald quickly corrected himself when he saw that his initial answer was about to trigger a flurry of worried questions. He held his hands up in a disarming gesture, hoping to show them that it wasn’t anything bad. “Yes, something happened, but, no, I’m not in trouble.” He clarified before lowering his hands. He took a deep breath, held it for a second, then exhaled to try calming himself down before continuing. “I’m done with the navy.”

“!!!!” His words earned surprised expressions and slack beaks from his friends.

As expected, Panchito was the first one to speak again. “¡¿Lo dice en serio?!” His surprise turned to protective fury in an instant. “Did someone give you trouble?! Just give me a name and I’ll-!”

“Easy, Panchi.” José soothed his partner with a calming hand on his tensed shoulder. “Let him finish.”

At a reluctant nod from the still tense caballero, Donald continued. “It’s okay, Panchito, I was honorably discharged.” He explained, easing the other bird’s mood considerably. “I just..” He fumbled with his words for a moment, as he so often did. “I thought it over and talked to my superior officers about it..and..I decided to quit. Della’s gonna need help raising the boys- family help, not just a sitter or a nanny that Uncle Scrooge is gonna hire.”

“So, then, you are moving back to Duckburg?” José questioned with an understanding nod.

“Yeah.” Donald smiled a little bit, running a hand over the feathers on the back of his head. “It’ll be nice to go home again…but…” He looked away for a moment, uneasiness and nervousness clear on his face as he fought with his words again. “I..wanted to see if you guys..well..do you wanna..maybe……go on a trip together before going back to Duckburg?”

“A trip?” The two colorful birds repeated back at the same time curiously.

“Mhm.” Donald nodded, growing slowly bolder with his words as he spoke more freely. “Della brought the houseboat with her, it’s parked out by the docks- she’s gonna be staying with Uncle Scrooge at the mansion back home so the boys have a safe place to grow up- and I really wanted to go on another adventure with you guys!” The house boat was technically Donald’s, as having a mobile address made more sense than a house he’d barely stay at, and he usually found someone to leave it with whenever he went overseas for work. Truthfully, he hadn’t had a set address since the trio left Quackmore. “We can go back to Mexico, or tour Brazil again, or go somewhere new- anywhere we want! And we’ll be living on the boat full time, so we can stay in Duckburg as long as we want and just pack up and leave whenever we need to take a break and go somewhere else and-”

In the midst of Donald’s excited rambling, José picked up on one key bit of information that Donald had inadvertently let slip. “Um momento.” When Donald stopped talking, this time being the one to give the other bird a curious look, José returned it with a brow raised in question as he asked for clarification. “Are you saying you would like us to move in with you?”

Panchito blinked as the realization dawned on him as well, looking between José and Donald with a gasp. “¡¿Qué?!”

Donald blushed, realizing that he had jumped straight into talking about the idea without actually ASKING them if that’s what they would want as well. They’d all enjoyed their time living together before, but it had been a few years since those days in the crowded cabana (then later in the lavish mansion they were given for a short time). “Ummm…y-yes? Sorta? Only if you want to!” He started getting nervous again, subconsciously fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Oh no, was he blowing it? Maybe they didn’t want to? Of course not, they were adventurers that belonged in beautiful, tropical rainforests and wild plains, not cooped up in a crummy old house boat with him and-

“AAAAAIIIYYYYYHAAAAAAA!!!” Panchito let out one of his infamously loud gritos and practically tackled Donald, scooping him up in a hug that lifted the startled duck clear off the ground. “¡Este es el mejor regalo de Navidad!”

“Donald!” José was quick to join in on the hug, ending up on Donald’s other side after Panchito opened his arms just long enough to scoop his other compañero up off the ground as well. He smiled while looking at the slightly startled, but mostly embarrassed, duck trapped in the loving embrace with him. “Sim! We would love to do that!”

“R-Really?” Donald asked, still nervous that they didn’t actually want to, but so hopeful at the same time.

“¡Claro!” Both replied with matching grins and looks of excitement on their faces. To prove they meant it, they peppered Donald’s face with kisses until he finally believed them and relaxed.

“Stop that!” The trapped duck said between bursts of laughter, pushing at their heads in an attempt to escape the onslaught. He didn’t really want it to stop, though- he was just as happy and excited for the future as they were.

“Ah!” Panchito gasped with a big smile on his face as he released them. “You know what this moment needs?” He reached up into his sombrero and pulled out his guitar (the other two would never understand how he made it fit in there without magic). “¡Música!”

Donald and José chuckled at the taller  bird’s enthusiasm before he started strumming out a tune that was more than familiar to both of them. By the time Panchito began to sing, they were already moving to the rhythm.

“We’re three caballeros! Three gay caballeros! They say we are birds of a feather.”

Donald and José flapped their arms and made whistling noises to imitate smaller birds as they danced around Panchito.

“We’re happy amigos. No matter where he goes-”

José sang the next part while standing shoulder to shoulder with Panchito. “The one, two, and three goes!”

“We’re always together!” Donald finished the line and stood on José’s other side.

They laughed and jumped around for a moment, letting out happy shouts and whistles before dancing to the next verse that Panchito sang.

“We’re three happy chappies, with snappy serapes. You’ll find us beneath our sombreros!” He threw his sombrero in the air, letting it land on the ground so they could dance around it before he kicked it back up to land on his head. “We’re brave and we’ll stay so. We’re bright as a peso.”

“Who says so?” Donald asked with a fake look of confusion.

“We say so!” José and Panchito responded as they playfully elbowed him.

“The three caballeros!” All three of them sang together with a smile, José even lifting his umbrella to his beak briefly to play it like a trumpet before they continued. “Ohhhhhh!”

“We have the stars to guide us.” Panchito continued while pointing out the window with his guitar. “Guitars here beside us-” He strummed his with a flourish, as he was currently the only one with a guitar. “To play as we go!” He gave a spin, José and Donald joining him in the swaying motion afterwards. “We sing and we samba. We shout ‘ay caramba’!”

“What means ‘ay caramba’?” José asked in a normal voice, even though they all knew the answer to that by now.

“Oh, yes..” Panchito gave a shrug, feigning ignorance. “I dunno.” They all burst into uproarious laughter at that one.

“Ohhhhh!” They all sang together after their laughter subsided.

“Through fair or stormy weather…” Panchito began the next verse.

José and Donald finished the line for him, standing on either side of him with arms around the rooster’s shoulders. “We stand close together- like books on a shelf!”

“And pals though we may be,” Panchito continued, nodding towards an old poster of a lovely carnival girl on the wall with a wink. “When some latin baby, says ‘yes’, ‘no’, or ‘maybe’-”

They all gave a wolf whistle and pretended to shove at each other as they finished the verse together. “Each man is for himself!”

Though there was more to the song, they decided to end it there (mostly because they were all laughing too much to continue singing). Panchito tucked the guitar back up into his hat and scooped his laughing compadres up into another embrace- one that the other two gladly returned. Singing their song, a special one that was just for the three of them, always left them smiling and laughing and feeling close to each other like nothing else in the world ever could.

In all fairness, though, the thought of living together and traveling the world side-by-side again in the soon-to-be future was a VERY close second.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the three amigos finished talking and having some quality time together upstairs, they rejoined the party below. José and Panchito complied with Donald’s request not to say anything about his early retirement- Donald wanted to tell his family at his own pace, starting with Scrooge and Della and then slowly spreading the word to his closer cousins (though some would likely find out anyway through the proverbial grapevine).

Donald spotted Scrooge sitting with Della and the boys, the one in red (Huey, he reminded himself) trying to climb up the older duck’s shoulders while Della was bouncing the blue and green ones (Dewey and Louie, gosh it was a good thing they started dressing them in different colors- telling them apart at this age was difficult) on her legs while the two grownups talked. Waving a momentary farewell to José and Panchito, Donald left their sides to go speak to his family.

As he drew closer, Scrooge looked up at him with one eyebrow raised in question. “Y’ didn’ leave a mess up there, did y’? ‘cause I’m not payin’ the maids extra for cleanin’ a whole ‘nother floor.”

Donald flinched slightly, remembering the dishes they’d left upstairs. “Just a few plates, Uncle Scrooge. I’ll clean them up, promise.”

Scrooge noted the reply and shrugged, looking down at the baby that had moved over into his lap. “Ah, if that’s all, then it’s fine. You lot were up there for so long, we thought y’ were-”

“Uncle Scrooge!” Della cut him off while placing one hand on each side of her children’s heads to cover their ears, pressing their fluffy heads together to cover the other ones in an attempt to mute the conversation. “Not in front of the boys!”

Scrooge rolled his eyes a little. “Aye, I’ve got it- no need for the ‘evil eye’.” He held Huey out towards Donald when the baby started squirming and making grabby hands in his younger uncle’s direction. “Now then, I know that look- what’s on your mind, lad?” He asked after Donald grabbed the baby, giving Scrooge a chance to finally stretch his arms and legs properly.

Donald held the little fluffy baby dressed in a red onesie gently in his arms, looking down at him with a soft, caring smile. Seeing his nephews like this, as well as the rest of his family, definitely made his life-altering decision much easier. “I’ve got some big news…”

He spent a few minutes telling Scrooge and Della what he’d told his partners earlier (Della having almost the same reaction as Panchito and threatening to feed someone to a shark until Donald calmed her down). By the end of his explanation, he was met with two tender, grateful smiles.

“Aww..Donald..” Della’s eyes were misty with unshed tears. She moved the boys in her lap over to lean against one arm so she could rub her sleeve across her face before motioning for him to come in for a hug. “Come on, bring it in- you’d better not leave me hanging, bro!” She grinned and made a grabby motion with the extended hand like Huey had earlier to get attention.

Memories of several years-worth of aggressive tackles and feather-removing noogies flashed through his mind. “Yeah, yeah, I know what happens if I do that.” Donald said after shifting Huey to one arm as well and leaned down to hug his sister.

They embraced for a moment, the loving bond between the siblings still so incredibly strong. After all these years and all the times they had to be apart over that time, it would be nice getting to live near each other again.

Scrooge regarded them with a fond smile. The look in his eyes silently saying that he was proud of them, proud of his niece and nephew and the fine adults they’d grown into over the years. “When can we expect y’ back in Duckburg, then?”

Donald sat down properly in a chair next to his sister, the two of them bringing the boys closer together so they could play and babble at each other easily. “I’m not sure. I’m gonna go on a trip with Panchito and José, first, and we’re not sure where yet. After we go on one more big adventure, we’ll move the houseboat over to the docks by Duckburg-”

“You guys are moving in together?!” Della asked with an excited smile. Her voice, unfortunately, came out too loud in her eagerness and it startled the babies who looked about ready to cry. “Ah! Sorry! Mama’s sorry! Shh, shh, it’s okay!” She rocked and patted them while speaking in a hushed voice until they all calmed down and went back to their baby-talk. With the potential crying crisis averted, Della looked back to her brother with a still excited smile, but a much softer voice. “That’s great! Ah! I can’t believe it!”

Della had been the most supportive member of his family when it came to Donald’s relationship with Panchito and José. From the day he introduced her to the two odd guys he’d gone on a world-saving adventure with, she’d made jokes about them dating, pestered them until they finally admitted they were going out, and was always the first one to ask for updates on their relationship whenever the three got together. There was no doubt in Donald’s mind that, if marriage were a viable option for the three of them, Della would be the first one to volunteer for any and all available wedding positions.

“Great,” Uncle Scrooge started sarcastically. “Two more deadbeats t’ mooch off me…”

It was mostly a joke. He didn’t mind having them over as guests, and he didn’t really mind Donald’s relationship with the other birds since they made him so happy. He just had a general irritation with people who coasted through life on good luck without much worry for their own finances.

Unfortunately, that was a way of living that the Three Caballeros were more than familiar with, whether they were adventuring or just living day-to-day. They usually got by selling off treasure they found on their adventures, finding ways to make the money last until they found a way to get more. Donald joining the navy helped to supplement his own income, and he happily shared it with the others when they needed it.

After all, that’s what they always did and always would do: Look after each other.

Life wasn’t always easy in their world. They had their share of ups and downs. They had good adventures and bad adventures. But, being friends- being FAMILY- meant looking after each other during the rougher patches so you could enjoy the brighter ones together. It was a bond that Donald wouldn’t give up for all the money in the world..

“We can look after ourselves.” Donald stated, defending both himself and his friends with that firm statement.

“Maybe so,” Scrooge had a thoughtful look on his face, as if he was weighing a few options in his head. “But..a wee bit of motivation never hurt anyone..” He got up from his seat and walked off. “I’ll be right back- don’ go runnin’ off nowhere.”

“??” Donald watched his uncle walk away with a confused tilt of his head. “O..kay..?”

His uncle was an odd one at times. Eh, what could he do, though? Family was family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scrooge caught up with Donald about an hour later, managing to catch the duck in rare moment where he was alone. “Just the duck I was hopin’ t’ see.” He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small, simple box with a red bow on top. “Thought I’d go ahead and give y’ your first Christmas present a tad early.”

Donald was certainly surprised. “Huh? A present?” He took the box and examined it closely. Giving gifts wasn’t something Scrooge was overly fond of- usually each relative only got one from him and that was it. To say he was giving Donald more than one was a little strange, even more so to do it now instead of waiting until Christmas Day like they usually did. “What is it?” He asked while untying the bow, only receiving a knowing smile from his uncle in return. Once the bow was removed, Donald opened up the box and looked inside. “A necklace?” He asked with a confused look on his face.

He pulled it out to examine it properly in the light. He had to admit, it did look nice: It consisted of a simple but somewhat wide golden snake chain with a twisting clasp on the back for the neckpiece. There was only one thing on the chain- what appeared to be a round locket the same color of gold as the chain and seemed to be welded to it to keep it in place. The middle of the locket had some sort of opaque purple glass-like material in the center of it on the front, obscuring whatever was inside and adding a touch of color to it.

While inspecting it, Donald noticed a hastily written inscription on the solid gold on the back of the locket that said “Fortune favors the brave. –See you in Duckburg.” He also found a small hidden switch along the side of the locket and, curious to see what was inside, he pressed it, causing the purple glass to pop open and reveal-

“?!!!!!” Donald made one of his surprised/startled squawking sounds. He quickly caught himself when some people started staring and slapped a hand over his beak, holding the locket close to his chest with his other hand so no one would see what was inside of it. Once everyone went back to their own conversations, writing the sound off as another one of Donald’s false-alarm overreactions, he uncovered his beak and looked to his uncle with wide eyes and a hushed voice. “Uncle Scrooge! This is-?!”

“Aye.” Scrooge nodded sagely, reaching over to carefully close the locket with one finger. “I thought it might give you lads some motivation- a chance t’ start thinkin’ about your future t’gether.” He pointed at Donald with the cane in his other hand. “Now, just so we’re clear, I’m not givin’ it to y’ for good: I’m trustin’ y’ t’ look after it with your LIFE until you can bring it back safe and sound to Duckburg. Are we clear?”

Donald nodded his head up and down vigorously. “Uh huh! Uh huh! Crystal clear, Uncle Scrooge! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome, lad.” Scrooge smiled again and walked past Donald, giving him a pat on the shoulder as he passed him. “Merry Christmas, Donald.”

Donald smiled softly at his uncle before looking back down at the locket in his hands. He brushed his thumb over the switch on the side to look at the contents of the locket again, knowing how important it was to his uncle and honored that he was being trusted with something so precious to the older duck.

“Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge..” He said while looking at a tiny version of his reflection looking back up at him from the small, shiny silver dime safely secured and hidden away in the locket.

This was turning out to be the best Christmas ever!

Next Chapter->

End Notes: I’ve got the first couple of chapters already written and I’ll post them as I finish final edits/proof-reading. Hope everyone likes it!

Translations:

“Feliz Natal!” and “Feliz Natal e Feliz Ano Novo!” - "Merry Christmas!" and "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"

“El es tan lindo.” - "He's so cute."

“Ele é muito fofo.” - "He is very cute."

Como quieras, mi amigo! - As you wish, my friend!

Concordo - Agreed.

“¡¿Lo dice en serio?!” - “Are you serious?!”

“Um momento.” - “One moment.”

“¡Este es el mejor regalo de Navidad!” - "This is the best Christmas present ever!"

“¡Claro!” - “Of course!”

And all of the other little words sprinkled throughout are different terms of endearment from both Portugese and Spanish meaning things like honey, love, dear, partner, boyfriend, etc.

[drivelings]

TWtaH - Plot

Just in case work absolutely decimates me and I can’t finish the story somehow. Below is pretty much every single plot point from chapter 16 onward. It's not that I've given up, but I've been spinning my wheels and I am reaching my limit. This has almost everything I wanted to write about minus some specific details.

The Watchpoint now faces a dilemma: their food supply is dwindling and they know they’ll have to either go out to buy food everyone (which increases their conspicuousness) or get Chef’s arrangements back in order. The latter is not an option anymore since Chef effectively sabotaged the relationship between the restaurant and Overwatch.

Additionally, Overwatch still has Talon agents they have to feed.

Overwatch ultimately decides to dump the Talon agents over the border of Gibraltar (the Line) and have contacted Coeur d’Artichaut for help because of Asim’s logistic connections.

Asim refuses and basically makes it clear that he’s sacrificed a lot and did not ask to be involved in an international crime or get a whole restaurant business dumped on him. He’s tired and just wants to be left alone to pick up the scraps of a business that Chef just threw upon him.

In the end, Asim gives Overwatch a contact for them to sort things out. There’s a moral dilemma here where it’s unclear who is in the wrong, but both sides have their own reasons.

McCree sorts things out in person.

It’s decided Overwatch will drop Talon off over the border in a few days.

Meanwhile, in Overwatch’s kitchen:

Several things have been destroyed and needs replacement. Lot of utensils, glassware, etc.

Brigitte volunteers to fix it all up and Torbjorn helps out when he gets the chance.

Because the kitchen’s stuff is old, lots of the old styles can’t be replicated or found in production anymore, so they all do some Frankensteining and the kitchen is repaired with spare parts. Everything works, just looks weird.

Some agents are clearly uncomfortable with being in the kitchen, especially the veterans who know it’s supposed to be off-limits.

No one really goes into the Cellar except Fareeha and Torbjorn. They have a job to do down there, but Athena still warns everyone to keep things respectful for Chef’s sake.

The Cellar is slowly getting security upgrades, but it takes some time to order the supplies. So as of now, Athena’s systems are connected to the Cellar’s systems via cables running through the Cellar door.

Symmetra set up some turrets over the Cellar door. She’s disgusted with the way the kitchen looks now because it’s disorderly. She organizes things to the best of her ability.

Rotation cooking schedule is implemented via lottery. So far, Lucio, Mercy has been cooking.

On Lucio’s turn, everyone finds out that Symmetra is vegetarian and can’t have meat.

On Mercy’s turn, they find out she’s not a very elaborate cook. Dry toast, yoghurt,

Zarya, Junkers, and a few others have issue with this.

Lots of tension because it’s hard to go out constantly to buy more food for the big eaters and there are people with very specific food preferences.

Tracer reminisces that it wasn’t like this when Chef was cooking. She wonders what’s different--is it because Chef knew all their food preferences or is it because there was someone dedicated to handling such a basic need?

Hanzo’s turn is coming up.

Overwatch has their internal meetings. Almost everyone is back on base. Genji is running around and Hanzo is clearly avoiding him still. But he thinks about Genji a little more now.

Winston is also debating about what to do about Chef.

Solider: 76 isn’t talking about getting rid of Chef now--it’s way too late and risky.

Ana talks to Hanzo a little about the current situation, teases him and tells him to talk to Chef about cooking. She’s heard that he’s not a great cook and hints that after Mercy's attempt, she wants something a little more substantial.

Hanzo talks to Chef, finally. His feelings are vaguely making itself known, but when seeing someone you are starting to care about so down in the dumps, the conversations are a little awkward.

Chef has been left in the dark about all the decisions that are taking place and isn’t aware about what’s happening with the kitchen.

You have absolutely any idea how terrifying it is to have raison d’atre getting yanked out from under you?

Chef’s basically cut off from the restaurant by choice of Asim and Argus who can’t keep playing middleman in an international crime between two morally dubious organizations and the world government and a bunch of regulators while still trying to run a charity restaurant.

And the agents are cooking their own food (who are realizing it’s not as easy as just ‘cooking your own food’, but it’s normal for Chef, so it’s not like it’s particularly recognized as difficult).

Hanzo swallows his pride a bit and asks Chef for some help to grab some ingredients. It’s a secret from Mercy who doesn’t want Chef running around.

Chef is on board because it’s freedom.

Chef was visited by a lot of people who has been instructed very strictly not to talk about stressful stuff.

They leave some clothes with Chef because McCree started it.

Hanzo comes to pick up Chef before the ass-crack of dawn. They’re sneaking out, so it’s best to do it when no one is around.

Chef is wearing some weird clothes--McCree’s serape, D.Va’s cap, Mei’s yeti slippers, Ana’s sunglasses, all worn over hospital clothes. Hanzo is in business casual clothes (because that’s all he has) and even he disapproves of Chef’s appearance.

Look, Chef didn’t have a lot of clothing choice being stuck in the medical bay.

Hanzo insists on Chef changing--they are both supposed to be incognito. This weird outfit is anything but.

Hanzo accompanies Chef to get clothes because he doesn’t actually know where they are. So, to his horror--because Mercy was very, very, very explicit in not inducing stress--they’re headed back to the kitchen.

Chef gets the surprise of a fucking lifetime because the kitchen is not the same kitchen anymore.

But anyway, that gets pushed through quickly enough. Chef leads Hanzo into the Cellar. Hanzo, remembering that Chef may remember the site of being gunned down, just rushes down the hall past where the blood stain is still chillin’.

Stopping in front of a door, it’s revealed that it’s a dorm room. Hanzo waits while Chef changes.

Chef takes a moment to think about the gunshot wounds, debates whether it’s worth it or not to bring pain medication on the trip.

Nah.

They go down the tunnels again because they figure they might as well if they’re trying to sneak out.

Chef stops at the tunnel fork that leads to the weird vault-thing that the Junkers were spending all their time in. 

Chef doesn’t actually know the Junkers are there.

They don’t take the truck when they go past it. Hanzo insists he’s strong enough to bring back all their shit, but Chef insists on taking a dolly. It makes them more conspicuous, so Hanzo refuses.

Basically, it’s a date.

They talk on the shopping trip, Chef reminiscing about the past while pointing out different stalls and teaching Hanzo different things about ingredients.

Hanzo’s enjoying himself, actually. He’s mentally taking notes about the stuff Chef is teaching him. He gets to taste samples of fruits and stuff. They’re surprisingly good and somehow better than the stuff he had when he was with the Shimada clan. Sure, they don’t look very pretty, but they’re flavorful and juicy and crisp and--they’re just good.

They talk about what Hanzo wants to cook and Chef gives some tips as Hanzo talks through how he’s going to make his meals.

They’re picking up bulk ingredients.

Eventually, they pick up rice--the huge sacks of them. Hanzo basically flexes and shows he can carry all that, the ingredients, and Chef, if necessary. 

Chef gets tired eventually. The pain is beginning to kick Chef’s ass and out of stubbornness, refuses to take a break.

Hanzo pulls a, “But I’m hungry,” and forces them both to stop at a breakfast place. Chef still can’t eat anything, so he just gets Chef a drink.

They talk a little bit more about a few more personal things. Like what Chef plans to do now and what Hanzo wants to do with his situation with Genji.

He doesn’t really want to talk about it in a public place, but Chef indicates that Genji cares--Genji talks to Chef and mentioned a few things.

At some point, Hanzo holds Chef’s hand. Originally, it’s to make sure Chef can keep up the pace, but eventually, it’s just forgotten about.

At some point, Chef is staring off in the darkness, thinking that there’s something there. Hanzo’s danger senses are going off, so they are forced to return back to the Watchpoint.

Mercy, Genji, and Zenyatta are waiting for them and greet them before they get to the Watchpoint. Genji, for protection purposes, Mercy for medical reasons, and Zenyatta to keep the peace.

Hanzo brings all the stuff into the kitchen to start on breakfast without speaking to Genji while Chef gets escorted back to the medical bay for more pain meds and treatment.

Chef basically knocks out for the rest of the day--it was exhausting.

Wakes up near dinner time and finds a covered dish sitting on the bedside table.

It’s curry from Hanzo.

Chef, despite the nothing-by-mouth order, begins to eat the curry and rice.

It’s a lukewarm, overly thick, too salty, and the rice is a little dry. It’s not conventionally good or gourmet, but Chef begins to cry. It’s fucking delicious for some reason.

It’s the first time in years that anyone has cooked anything for Chef for the sake of goodwill. Chef begins to remember Head Chef Richard talking about love again.

Usually, when Chef eats, it’s either leftovers the Chef made out of necessity or test creations from other chefs who want a critique or just test dishes for the restaurant.

Remember the title of the story? The Way to a Heart? Yeah, this wasn’t just about the way to Hanzo’s heart.

Chef gets sick because, again, ‘nothing-by-mouth’ order. So, Mercy is angry. However, when Hanzo comes back, Chef lets him know the curry is delicious. While Hanzo is sure it’s not 100% sincere, he feels good about it. He gets a glimpse into the satisfaction one can get from just serving food to others.

Chef is back in the kitchen to clean and get things back in order with Symmetra while everyone else is discussing strategy.

Chef is making tamales because it’s easy and just to have something to give to the agents for the big mission. It should be easy, but knowing Talon, it might get tough.

So the mission to get rid of the Talon agents is underway.

Hanzo, Genji, Ana, Soldier, Lucio, and McCree are off to escort the Talon agents they have as their prisoners away. 

McCree, Ana, and Soldier insisted on going because Talon. 

Surprise. Reaper’s waiting for them.

It becomes a hell of a brawl.

Ana and Hanzo are at their perches while both Soldier and McCree are trying to chase after Reaper who was apparently assigned to get back those Talon agents who, by now, know Overwatch is almost fully operational. 

Reaper is also a great distraction because there is an attempt by Talon to get into Overwatch’s Watchpoint.

Yeah, the remaining agents at the Watchpoint isn’t about that life and puts a stop to that real quick. Though it’s not like Talon tried very hard.

Later, it’s revealed that Reaper wasn’t taking the attack on the Watchpoint too seriously. It’s an apology to Chef. He’s the one who has been keeping tabs ever since the whole attack on Chef happened.

At some point, Genji is overwhelmed try to clean up after Soldier’s and McCree’s asses, and inevitably gets damaged to the point to temporarily being unable to move.

Hanzo rushes down and throws himself into the midst of a fuckton of enemies while facing his own flashbacks and eventually the past and present overlap and he gets some breakthrough where he unleashes his dragons on the battlefield.

Ana is exasperated because she can’t fucking believe she’s babysitting so many people. Lucio is doing his best to keep up.

Reaper is cornered by McCree at a point who throws a tamale at Reaper. 

Why? Because McCree has an inkling about what’s happening and the tamale is to remind him about what matters. Reaper makes a telling comment about the Chef (”dishwasher”) that indicates he’s been watching and very aware of what’s happening.

Reaper insists he doesn’t need to be lectured by a kid and disappears after a few more choice words about McCree’s life choices, pulling back and giving Overwatch a victory.

It’s not much of a victory when you have both Shimada brothers wiped out and McCree emotionally shaken. Soldier’s also a bit shaken but he has to keep it together. Lucio is fucking exhausted because healing these fools and keeping up with them is exhausting.

They return to find out the Watchpoint was attacked, but no one was seriously injured. The Shimada brothers get emergency care and Chef is immediately concerned.

When Hanzo wakes up, it’s been a day or two. Genji, already functional, yells at Hanzo for being a moron. Who would be happy about him attempting to sacrifice himself like that?

This is their reconciliation scene. It’s awkward, it’s painful, but Hanzo finds himself a little lighter and not as full of regret as before.

The brothers talk a bit and Hanzo finally takes that first step toward recovery. 

Chef comes to visit, still recovering, but not unwell enough to not cook up something for Hanzo’s recovery.

Artichoke soup.

It has great sentimental value to the chef, not that Hanzo knows this, but it’s easy to consume and warm.

Hanzo’s feelings get a bit deeper.

When Hanzo gets a moment to escape the medical ward, he finds Genji chilling somewhere in the Watchpoint, humming a familiar song their mother used to sing.

They talk a bit about the past, agree that it’s a work in progress, and they’ll work through it in small steps.

SURPRISE. THIS WAS A HANZO REDEMPTION FIC ALL ALONG.

Eventually, the Watchpoint gets itself back into order.

Winston plans on announcing Overwatch’s return to the world.

Chef returns to the kitchen, now on a schedule--those who do not eat in the designated time will be dragged down to eat. This is so Chef finally has a healthy sleeping schedule.

There’s more group meals.

Hanzo and Genji have their meal together. Chef joins them for this one. D.Va’s taking pictures of Hanzo and Chef smiling at each other in that really tender way that no one’s ever seen before.

Fuck, I almost forgot: as thanks for the curry, Hanzo teaches Chef the curry recipe and they make it together.

Cue me describing my absolutely favorite curry of all time. Chewy, beautiful and fragrant short-grain rice, thick gravy that coats every grain and filled with shreds of pork and onion. Crunchy, crispy, and juicy pork katsu that is just full of flavor. Absolutely fucking delicious.

After talking with Winston and some advice from Hanzo, Chef decides to open up the kitchen and tell everyone about the secrets of the kitchen. Chef is now the master of it, after all, and shouldn’t be held back by the past.

Before that, Chef visits the vault.

The Junkers are there, sheepish at being found.

The vault contains a hydroponic plant that’s been restored with Junker technology.

This is the secret of the Cellar. An indoor, self-sustaining garden that acknowledges Gilbratar’s import issue and takes it upon themselves to create nutrient-rich and delicious ingredients.

Chef reveals the Cellar’s secrets, providing everyone with the map, talking through every room and its purpose. Overwatch debates repurposing the rooms since they will likely be moving from Watchpoint to Watchpoint once Overwatch becomes official.

It’s then that Hanzo realizes what the real treasure of the Cellar is.

Remember the dorm? Yeah. It’s heavily implied that the treasure is no alcohol or gold. It’s the chefs who serve the Watchpoint and Overwatch’s agents. The Head Chef was a huge sap for his employees, if a hard-headed sap.

Oh yeah, Coeur d’Artichaut?

McCree visits them while undercover as Joel Morricone and finds that they have a new owner: the previous Overwatch Head Chef Richard Sauveterre.

Richard sees through his disguise and grabs McCree by the neck for a cigarette break.

McCree tells him about Chef and Richard laughs at him, saying he doesn’t care about a child who left him such a huge mess to clean up. However, Richard implies that he cares very much and knows how hard Chef has been working and expresses some regret over having taught Chef in the way he has, leading to this outcome.

But Richard is happy for the chef who has now found the light.

Richard tells McCree not to tell Chef about his appearance here or else he’ll turn McCree into his “Meatload Surprise”.

Chef has come to terms with having fucked up everything, and while it’s not satisfying, does not contact Argus or Asim again except to leave an apology.

Chef has finally chosen to stay with Overwatch. 

Back at the Watchpoint, Hanzo and Chef are talking. Chef finally uses the miso that was kept in the fridge and Hanzo breaks out the cheesiest and most roundabout way of confessing:

“Will you make me this miso soup for the rest of my life?”

It’s a traditional (or antiquated) Japanese proposal, okay?

Yes. It’s something new and scary, but they’re both okay with it. Yay, the deal is sealed with a kiss.

Great. Story ends.

Nope. Epilogue.

Epilogue is two years later where Hanzo is sent with Baptiste and Mercy to go to a jailhouse. They take a car and Hanzo is dressed all business-like. Hair down, long trenchcoat on his shoulders, etc.

SURPRISE. Chef was finally arrested shortly after the end of the story for international crimes of assisting Overwatch during their time of exile, money-laundering, setting up a fake charity, and other financial related crimes.

DID YOU REALLY FUCKING THINK YOU CAN DO THIS WITH NO CONSEQUENCE?!! 

Not to say that Hanzo didn’t try to save the Chef. He tried, but Chef decided to face everything head-on. No more running away.

It’s basically a long flashback about how everything led to this.

It ends with Hanzo and chef meeting each other again, Chef jumping into Hanzo’s arms and forehead touches and kisses.

They’re finally bringing Chef home and now their relationship can really start.

[deztinywarriors]

ES Spectre Interlock Chapter 31-40

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #142: Go West, Young Gods!

December, 1975

So this cover promises that the Avengers will get into a Wild West sort of shootout with a bunch of cowboys. The wildest western heroes of all, actually. Which is a really massive mismatch because Thor exists. And he’s bulletproof. And they have the powers of have gun will travel.

Also, Iron Man is here despite being last seen having his iron butt handed to him by the Squadron Supreme.

I feel that this cover may not be 100% entirely representative of the contents. So, same as ushe basically.

But we pick up right from where we left off Last Time: where did we leave off last time?

Thor and Moondragon recruited the aid of Immortus to go back in time and beat up Kang and find the missing Hawkeye. Meanwhile, Cap, Iron Man, Beast, Patsy Walker, Vision, and Scarlet Witch go to investigate the Brand Corporation, a Roxxon subsidiary, and get beaten up and captured by the Squadron Supreme, a team of Justice League expies from another universe working for an evil corporation in the Avengers’ universe for some reason.

We start in the wild, wild west with the mysterious threatening person from last time revealed as being one of Marvel’s cowboy heroes.

There’s Rawhide Kid, Two-Gun Kid, Kid Colt, the Ringo Kid and Night Rider. A youthy lot, the wild west heroes apparently were.

Moondragon wonders why these peeps don’t recognize them as gods instead of calling them demons but Thor remarks “What is a god -- to a cowboy?”

I actually thought cowboys tended to be fairly religious but possibly not too conscious of comparative religion.

Anyway, Thor doesn’t like having guns pointed at him so he shoots lightning at them. Which is much deadlier than guns.

But one of the cowboys says the secret word “Hawkeye” (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH -flail flail-) so Thor stops the storm to demand the cowboys take them to Hawkeye.

And there’s a brief thing where Rawhide Kid protests “Ah ain’t ridin’ nowheres with a bald-headed female up behind!”

But I think he’s just jealous that she’s taller than him. By nearly a head.

The combined group of time travelers and cowboys arrives at the town of Tombstone, where they have go all stealthy for reasons too complicated to explain on this specific page.

The group ‘cat-foots’ to the office of western lawyer Matthew J. Hawk (who Two-Gun claims is a friend but is really his secret ID (are all vigilante lawyers bad at secret identities? Is that why She-Hulk seldom bothered? Maybe... maybe.))

And inside, they find Hawkeye! He’s alive and well and shirtless!

He tells the story of what happened to him after he stormed off to engage in casual time travel to recruit a guy who thought the Crusades’ were a morally unambiguous time to adventure around in.

And of course, since it’s Hawkeye, he activates Doctor Doom’s time machine by shooting an arrow at it. I presume arrows is also how he shaves in the morning.

But it turns out that one should not treat time travel like a casual trip to the corner store because Kang was waiting to ambush him.

Little did Kang suspect that Hawkeye had been working on anti-Kang arrows during the Celestial Madonna Saga (never forget that the man casually invented anti-gravity and then never did anything with it) and blasts Kang, sending them both falling through time until Hawkeye landed in the Old West.

Hawkeye wandered the desert until he stumbled across the town of Tombstone. BUT HEY THAT GIANT FUTUREY PALACE FORTRESS LOOKS OUT OF PLACE.

And some renegades from Tombstone mistake Hawkeye for an ally of Kang and start shooting at him.

So Hawkeye decided that the pants were okay but the tunic and mask had to go if he were to blend in. So the guy got half-naked and wandered into Tombstone until the word Hawk on a door drew his attention.

Apparently, history classes teaches of the Old West heroes so Hawkeye realized Matthew Hawk was secretly Two-Gun Kid.

Two-Gun Kid is slightly alarmed that everyone in the future knows his secret identity.

Thor doesn’t care though. He wants to find Kang. This time will be the last battle between him and the Avengers. Swearsies.

But what is Kang up to? According to the cowboys, he somehow took over Tombstone, made all the inhabitants his mind-slaves. And he has threatened that he can kill anybody in town just by pushing a button?

Immortus drops some sweet spoilers because the knowledge won’t change anything and that’s how he rolls: it is Kang’s newest master plan.

Since conquering the 20th century is too hard what with all those Avengers, he’s just going to cheat and conquer the 19th. And then the Avengers probably will never be a thing that opposed him. Timey wimey nonsense.

Meanwhile, we see what the other Avengers are up to on a cool splash page with interesting perspective.

The Squadron Supreme, sponsored by the Brand Corporation, has put the Avengers and also Patsy Walker into a cage formed by Dr. Spectrum’s power prism.

Because its made of gem manifestations, not only is it strong enough to resist Iron Man’s irony thews, it also prevents Vision from intangibling through it.

And Beast is lamenting getting Patsy Walker drawn into all of this but she pish toshes it as stuff and nonsense. She’s loving all this adventure and getting locked in a cage.

Also:

Patsy: “You’re a rat, Buzz Baxter! You’re nothing like the man I married -- or even the man I divorced! You’ve changed!”

Buzz: “But I’m out here, baby -- and you’re in there!”

Also, Iron Man warns that no trap has held the Avengers forever and Hyperion sneers that this one will because its time Iron Man learned that the Squadron Supreme is really the better team.

I mean, it possibly is. He’s never actually fought them.

He’s only fought the Squadron Sinister.

Anyway, the bad guys walk off leaving the Avengers free to make their daring escape.

But first: lets check back in with the Old West.

Its the Old West so of course you have to do Old West stuff, even if the guy you’re trying to track down is a time traveler from the future.

So. They’re going to do a shoot-out at a train robbery. Because obviously.

But also because its the train that makes runs for a uranium mine and I don’t know why they’d be mining uranium at all in this time but uranium is definitely a thing that Kang can use.

Uranium is great fuel for various temporal and universal transportation devices such as appearifiers and sendificators.

But Thor and Moondragon are going to have to go incognito. I mean, I can barely tell the cowboys apart but a big blonde Norse man with a hammer or a bald half-dressed woman are going to stand out.

So while the cowboys and Hawkeye stake out a butte, Thor and Moondragon ride the train dressed as typical travelers. And seven bandits await the train on a bluff.

Hawkeye (or the Hawkeye Kid as he decides to deem himself) spots the bandits making their move and fires a flare arrow to alert the others.

Two-Gun Kid spots the signal and prepares to ride into action but hesitates to muse that people like the Avengers would choose to follow in the footsteps he foot stepped when he chose to maintain a secret identity.

As if he were the first person to maintain a secret identity. The Scarlet Pimpernel and Zorro probably have something to say to you.

But I can forgive Two-Gun Kid because he’s really struggling with having met ‘gods’.

The lead bandit Ace sees the flare but isn’t overly worried. He jumps aboard the engine car and tries to hold up the engineers but the Rawhide Kid is waiting for him in the coal pile, gun drawn. Also sporting two guns. What makes Two-Gun Kid the Two-Gun Kid and not the Rawhide Kid? We may never know.

Meanwhile, Kid Colt outraces another bandit and tackles him off his horse. And then Kid Colt beats the shit out of a second bandit while yelling he’s not even worth the price of a bullet for signing up with Kang.

Also meanwhile, Hawkeye is having a real lark with this Old West biz. He jumps off a horse onto a moving train and has a shootout on the roof, bonking a guy’s nogging with what I guess was a punch arrow.

One bandit actually is smart and realizes that any job that pulls Kid Colt, Rawhide Kid and the Ringo Kid down on him isn’t worth the trouble so he absconds. Unluckily, the Night Rider is waiting for him in the cave he flees into just to give him a frighten. The bandit attempts to re-flee but WUMP!s himself with a tree branch.

Meanwhile, Hawkeye is still having a fight on top of a moving train. But Sideburns Bandit has him dead to rights with a gun pointed at his liver. Which probably shouldn’t matter since Hawkeye restrung a bow and shot out another bowman’s bowstring before the dude could shoot him.

Basically, Hawkeye bows with ludicrous speed.

But whether he needed it or not, Rawhide Kid comes to Hawkeye’s aid by pistol whipping the bandit. Prompted in part by Rawhide’s mom being Native American and the bandit having used a pejorative term for that at Hawkeye.

By the way, Moondragon has been spectating this like its the best thing that ever happened to her. She even says “At last, my association with the Avengers has borne fruit!”

I guess what she really wanted when she decided to reconnect with her Earth heritage was a great train robbery thwarting.

Also, Two-Gun has not really been too involved with the goings-on and suches but he chases the last bandit Chavo Juarez into a canyon and decides to tackle the man from the top of a cliff.

Because he felt small next to the Avengers and wanted to do a cool thing, he guesses.

Although its kind of notable that Thor and Moondragon sat this one out and let the cowboys and Hawkeye handle everything. The issue would have been shorter if Thor did more than ride a train, I suppose.

Anyway, with all the bandits rounded up, Hawkeye fires another signal flare prompting Thor and Moondragon to jump off the train and fly off, apparently starting another Western legend (that of the giant flying Norseman?).

Meanwhile at the rounded up bandits, Hawkeye says that one of them is going to spill the beans on what their arrangement for delivering the goods to Kang was. AND THEN HIM AND THE BOYS ARE GONNA BEGIN THE ASSAULT ON CASTLE KANG!

You’re really into this Wild West trip, Hawkeye. Are you going to try to stay when all is said and done?

Anyway, disproportionate focus on Team Old West. We only check in with the Avengers a little bit to see that they’re still alive and what their current predicament is before going back to the Old West to thwart a train robbery.

And since Moondragon and Thor sit that one out, its more like both groups of Avengers take a backseat so that this month is all about the cool Marvel Western heroes, with cameos by some Avengers.

I mean, I’m all about mashing up genres. Seeing some Avengers have to thwart an Old West train robbery would be sweet. But that’s not what this is. It was a bunch of cowboys (and Hawkeye) thwarting a robbery. So its not really mashing the genres up. Its playing an Old West story straight in the middle of a superhero book without really letting any of the modern superhero elements play along. Technically the bandits were working for Kang. Technically Thor and Moondragon were playing backup on the train. But in terms of execution, it doesn’t matter. It played out like neither of those things were true.

Maybe if Kang had given his bandits advanced technology, that would be different.

But yeah. Having read through this issue it just strikes me how far removed the usual Avengers elements are from the main plot happenings. Maybe Steve Englehart just really wanted to tell a western this month.

Next month in publishing time and much less time in me time, the superhero elements return and the Avengers get to actually do stuff. So that’s a thing to look forward to.

[salwaalkhalifa]

Staggerlee wonders by James Baldwin

1

I always wonder

what they think the niggers are doing

while they, the pink and alabaster pragmatists, 

are containing 

Russia  

and defining and re-defining and re-aligning 

China, 

nobly restraining themselves, meanwhile,

from blowing up that earth

which they have already 

blasphemed into dung: 

the gentle, wide-eyed, cheerful

ladies, and their men,

nostalgic for the noble cause of Vietnam,

nostalgic for noble causes,

aching, nobly, to wade through the blood of savages—

ah—!

Uncas shall never leave the reservation, 

except to purchase whisky at the State Liquor Store.

The Panama Canal shall remain forever locked: 

there is a way around every treaty.

We will turn the tides of the restless

Caribbean, 

the sun will rise, and set

on our hotel balconies as we see fit.

The natives will have nothing to complain about,

indeed, they will begin to be grateful,

will be better off than ever before. 

They will learn to defer gratification

and save up for things, like we do. 

 Oh, yes. They will.

We have only to make an offer

they cannot refuse.

 This flag has been planted on the moon:

it will be interesting to see 

what steps the moon will take to be revenged 

for this quite breathtaking presumption.

This people

masturbate in winding sheets. 

They have hacked their children to pieces. 

They have never honoured a single treaty 

made with anyone, anywhere.

The walls of their cities

are as foul as their children.

No wonder their children come at them with knives.

Mad Charlie man's son was one of their children, 

had got his shit together

by the time he left kindergarten,

and, as for Patty, heiress of all the ages,

she had the greatest vacation

of any heiress, anywhere:

 Golly-gee, whillikens, Mom, real guns!

and they come with a real big, black funky stud, too: 

oh, Ma! he's making eyes at me!

 Oh, noble Duke Wayne, 

be careful in them happy hunting grounds.

They say the only good Indian 

is a dead Indian,

by what I say is, 

you can't be too careful, you hear?

Oh, towering Ronnie Reagan,

wise and resigned lover of redwoods, 

deeply beloved, winning man-child of the yearning Republic

from diaper to football field to Warner Brothers sound-stages,

be thou our grinning, gently phallic, Big Boy of all the ages! 

 Salt peanuts, salt peanuts,

for dear hearts and gentle people, 

and cheerful, shining, simple Uncle Sam!

 Nigger, read this and run!

Now, if you can't read, 

run anyhow!

 From Manifest Destiny

(Cortez, and all his men

silent upon a peak in Darien)

to A Decent Interval,

and the chopper rises above Saigon,

abandoning the noble cause

and the people we have made ignoble

and whom we leave there, now, to die, 

one moves, With All Deliberate Speed,

to the South China Sea, and beyond, 

where millions of new niggers

await glad tidings!

 No, said the Great Man's Lady,

I'm against abortion,

I always feel that's killing somebody.

Well, what about capital punishment?

I think the death penalty helps.

 That's right.

Up to our ass in niggers

on Death Row.

 Oh, Susanna,

don't you cry for me!

  2

 Well, I guess what the niggers 

is supposed to be doing

is putting themselves in the path 

of that old sweet chariot

and have it swing down and carry us home.

 That would help, as they say,

and they got ways

of sort of nudging the chariot.

They still got influence

with Wind and Water,

though they in for some surprises

with Cloud and Fire.

 My days are not their days.

My ways are not their ways.

I would not think of them,

one way or the other,

did not they so grotesquely

block the view

between me and my brother.

 And, so, I always wonder:

can blindness be desired?

Then, what must the blinded eyes have seen

to wish to see no more!

 For, I have seen, 

in the eyes regarding me, 

or regarding my brother, 

have seen, deep in the farthest valley

of the eye, have seen

a flame leap up, then flicker and go out,

have seen a veil come down,

leaving myself, and the other,

alone in that cave

which every soul remembers, and

out of which, desperately afraid, 

I turn, turn, stagger, stumble out, 

into the healing air,

fall flat on the healing ground, 

singing praises, counselling

my heart, my soul, to praise.

 What is it that this people

cannot forget?

 Surely, they cannot be deluded

as to imagine that their crimes

are original?

 There is nothing in the least original

about the fiery tongs to the eyeballs,

the sex torn from the socket,

the infant ripped from the womb, 

the brains dashed out against rock,

nothing original about Judas,

or Peter, or you or me: nothing:

we are liars and cowards all,

or nearly all, or nearly all the time:

for we also ride the lightning,

answer the thunder, penetrate whirlwinds,

curl up on the floor of the sun,

and pick our teeth with thunderbolts.

 Then, perhaps they imagine

that their crimes are not crimes? 

 Perhaps.

Perhaps that is why they cannot repent, 

why there is no possibility of repentance.

Manifest Destiny is a hymn to madness, 

feeding on itself, ending

(when it ends) in madness: 

the action is blindness and pain,

pain bringing a torpor so deep 

that every act is willed,

is desperately forced,

is willed to be a blow: 

the hand becomes a fist,

the prick becomes a club, 

the womb a dangerous swamp,

the hope, and fear, of love

is acid in the marrow of the bone. 

No, their fire is not quenched, 

nor can be: the oil feeding the flames

being the unadmitted terror of the wrath of God. 

 Yes. But let us put it in another, 

less theological way: 

though theology has absolutely nothing to do 

with what I am trying to say.

But the moment God is mentioned

theology is summoned

to buttress or demolish belief:

an exercise which renders belief irrelevant

and adds to the despair of Fifth Avenue 

on any afternoon, 

the people moving, homeless, through the city,

praying to find sanctuary before the sky 

and the towers come tumbling down, 

before the earth opens, as it does in Superman.

They know that no one will appear

to turn back time, 

they know it, just as they know

that the earth has opened before 

and will open again, just as they know

that their empire is falling, is doomed,

nothing can hold it up, nothing.

We are not talking about belief. 

  3

 I wonder how they think

the niggers made, make it, 

how come the niggers are still here. 

But, then, again, I don't think they dare

to think of that: no: 

I'm fairly certain they don't think of that at all.

 Lord, 

I with the alabaster lady of the house, 

with Beulah.

Beulah about sixty, built in four-square, 

biceps like Mohammed Ali,

she at the stove, fixing biscuits, 

scrambling eggs and bacon, fixing coffee, 

pouring juice, and the lady of the house,

she say, she don't know how

she'd get along without Beulah

and Beulah just silently grunts,

I reckon you don't,

and keeps on keeping on

and the lady of the house say

She's just like one of the family,

and Beulah turns, gives me a look, 

sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes

in the direction of the lady's back, and

keeps on keeping on. 

 While they are containing 

Russia

and entering onto the quicksand of 

China

and patronizing

Africa, 

and calculating

the Caribbean plunder, and

the South China Sea booty, 

the niggers are aware that no one has discussed 

anything at all with the niggers. 

 Well. Niggers don't own nothing,

got no flag, even our names 

are hand-me-downs

and you don't change that 

by calling yourself X:

sometimes that just makes it worse, 

like obliterating the path that leads back

to whence you came, and 

to where you can begin. 

And, anyway, none of this changes the reality, 

which is, for example, that I do not want my son 

to die in Guantanamo, 

or anywhere else, for that matter, 

serving the Stars and Stripes. 

(I've seen some stars.

I got some stripes.) 

 Neither (incidentally)

has anyone discussed the Bomb with the niggers:

the incoherent feeling is, the less

the nigger knows about the Bomb, the better: 

the lady of the house

smiles nervously in your direction

as though she had just been overheard

discussing family, or sexual secrets, 

and changes the subject to Education, 

or Full Employment, or the Welfare rolls, 

the smile saying, Don't be dismayed.

We know how you feel. You can trust us.

 Yeah. I would like to believe you.

But we are not talking about belief.

  4

 The sons of greed, the heirs of plunder,

are approaching the end of their journey: 

it is amazing that they approach without wonder, 

as though they have, themselves, become

that scorched and blasphemed earth, 

the stricken buffalo, the slaughtered tribes, 

the endless, virgin, bloodsoaked plain,

the famine, the silence, the children's eyes, 

murder masquerading as salvation, seducing

every democratic eye,

the mouths of truth and anguish choked with cotton, 

rape delirious with the fragrance of magnolia,

the hacking of the fruit of their loins to pieces, 

hey! the tar-baby sons and nephews, the high-yaller

     nieces,

and Tom's black prick hacked off

to rustle in crinoline, 

to hang, heaviest of heirlooms,

between the pink and alabaster breasts

of the Great Man's Lady,

or worked into the sash at the waist

of the high-yaller Creole bitch, or niece,

a chunk of shining brown-black satin,

staring, staring, like the single eye of God:

 creation yearns to re-create a time

when we were able to recognize a crime. 

 Alas, 

my stricken kinsmen, 

the party is over: 

there have never been any white people, 

anywhere: the trick was accomplished with mirrors—

look: where is your image now? 

where your inheritance, 

on what rock stands this pride?

 Oh, 

I counsel you, 

leave History alone.

She is exhausted, 

sitting, staring into her dressing-room mirror,

and wondering what rabbit, now, 

to pull out of what hat, 

and seriously considering retirement, 

even though she knows her public

dare not let her go.

 She must change. 

Yes. History must change. 

A slow, syncopated

relentless music begins

suggesting her re-entry,

transformed, virginal as she was,

in the Beginning, untouched, 

as the Word was spoken, 

before the rape which debased her

to be the whore of multitudes, or, 

as one might say, before she became the Star, 

whose name, above our title, 

carries the Show, making History the patsy,

responsible for every flubbed line, 

every missed cue, responsible for the life

and death, of all bright illusions

and dark delusions,

Lord, History is weary

of her unspeakable liaison with Time, 

for Time and History

have never seen eye to eye: 

Time laughs at History

and time and time and time again

Time traps History in a lie.

 But we always, somehow, managed

to roar History back onstage

to take another bow,

to justify, to sanctify

the journey until now. 

 Time warned us to ask for our money back, 

and disagreed with History

as concerns colours white and black.

Not only do we come from further back,

but the light of the Sun

marries all colours as one. 

 Kinsmen, 

I have seen you betray your Saviour

(it is you who call Him Saviour) 

so many times, and

I have spoken to Him about you, 

behind your back. 

Quite a lot has been going on 

behind your back, and, 

if your phone has not yet been disconnected, 

it will soon begin to ring: 

informing you, for example, that a whole generation, 

in Africa, is about to die, 

and a new generation is about to rise,

and will not need your bribes, 

or your persuasions, any more: 

not your morality. No plundered gold—

Ah! Kinsmen, if I could make you see

the crime is not what you have done to me!

It is you who are blind, 

you, bowed down with chains, 

you, whose children mock you, and seek another 

master,

you, who cannot look man or woman or child in the 

eye,

whose sleep is blank with terror, 

for whom love died long ago,

somewhere between the airport and the safe-deposit

box,

the buying and selling of rising or falling stocks, 

you, who miss Zanzibar and Madagascar and Kilimanjaro

and lions and tigers and elephants and zebras 

and flying fish and crocodiles and alligators and

leopards

and crashing waterfalls and endless rivers, 

flowers fresher than Eden, silence sweeter than the 

grace of God,

passion at every turning, throbbing in the bush, 

thicker, oh, than honey in the hive, 

dripping

dripping

opening, welcoming, aching from toe to bottom

to spine, 

sweet heaven on the line

to last forever, yes, 

but, now, 

rejoicing ends, man, a price remains to pay, 

your innocence costs too much

and we can't carry you on our books

or our backs, any longer: baby,

find another Eden, another apple tree,

somewhere, if you can, 

and find some other natives, somewhere else,

to listen to you bellow

till you come, just like a man, 

but we don't need you,

are sick of being a fantasy to feed you, 

and of being the principal accomplice to your

crime: 

for, it is your crime, now, the cross to which you

cling, 

your Alpha and Omega for everything. 

 Well (others have told you)

your clown's grown weary, the puppet master

is bored speechless with this monotonous disaster, 

and is long gone, does not belong to you, 

any more than my woman, or my child, 

ever belonged to you. 

 During this long travail

our ancestors spoke to us, and we listened, 

and we tried to make you hear life in our song

but now it matters not at all to me 

whether you know what I am talking about—or not:

I know why we are not blinded

by your brightness, are able to see you, 

who cannot see us. I know 

why we are still here. 

 Godspeed. 

The niggers are calculating, 

from day to day, life everlasting, 

and wish you well: 

but decline to imitate the Son of the Morning, 

and rule in Hell.