#from regurgitating their feelings onto my posts

[thatswhatsushesaid]

imagine being so bereft of joy that you cannot stop yourself from leaving this comment on a benign "look at this fun fandom mug my spouse bought me, enjoy this funny personal anecdote to go with it" post

sorry for existing i guess???

[planaan]

And if i said Ford actually had it worse...

Ok ive drawn u in so hear me out. Yes objectively that 12-ish years when Stan was failing at business and homeless was a Bad Time. Very dark, very sad in a Deeply relatable way which is why i think so many project onto him. I'm not ignoring how that can and has significantly impaced his mental state, sense of self, etc.

But we totally gloss over the fact, (especially in like sea grunks content) that Stans life only IMPROVED post portal incident. He suddenly had access to resources he didnt before, money, clothes, a house, his family. And hes Resourceful with that shit, turning his life around in a matter of months, effectively ending his old life in one swoop. Yes, he spent those 30 years worried about his brother, feeling guilty. But he had purpose, he had the chance to build relationships in the town around him, he was able to reconnect with at least some parts of his family, to get married and divorced and make a name for himself in the community. And once he got ford back properly, he had everything hed ever wanted. He in no way "wasted 30 years only for an ungrateful brother" the way i see so many imply. They took out that line about him not having a reason to live before the twins coming into his life because IT DIDNT FIT. thats not fair to say when he has soos and wendy and shermies family and a town that appreciates him. He HAS healed, and the twins only expedited it for him !! Which is beautiful !!

And then lets look at Ford. They essentially switch roles once he falls into the Portal. Now hes the one whos constantly on the run, no home, having to hide his identity, only making fleeting connections before he moves on to the next dimension. Only he has to live for that for double the amount of time Stan did, with absolutely no human family or friends to build lasting connections with, in alien worlds that while fascinating im sure for him to study, mustve been overwhemling to constantly have to learn new rules, social customs, languages, etc. Also his opps are actual omnipotent magical beings. He has purpose, thankfully, in building his weapon to defeat Bill, but he had no intent or belief that he'd ever get back home.

Any friends Ford did make he's likely to never see again. He didnt get the opportunity to proceed and rebuild his life in the way that stan did until he got back. And even then he was immidately thrown back into survival mode still trying to stop Bill and Weirdmaggedon.

Im reality, its dumb to compare trauma, thats not my point here. i dont actually thinks its productive to pick sides with the twins, it never has been, its not the Point. But like i really am fascinated by how Fords experiences, especially his more recent portal life, are so often entirely mimimized in favor of Stan’s issues. When stan has had so much more time to process and heal and grow from that then Ford has.

I think itd actually be MORE interesting and productive to have Stan use all hes learned in his time to heal and grow to help Ford start on that process he hasnt really had the opportunity to undergo yet, rather than the constant regurgitated guilt fest i see in most sea grunk fics.

[badgalsasuke]

Hi, I really wanted to know your opinion on this post:

but very specifically to this paragraph:

Hi!

It seems to me both authors of each post have different interpretations on Naruto's double suicide promise, I mean since I'm just seeing an excerpt of the first post, I can't tell that well what are they trying to say. But I from what I'm seeing, I agree with the first post. Naruto is indeed saying if Sasuke really wants to destroy Konoha and kill Naruto to finally be alone like he says he will, then Naruto is talking about a clash. Naruto told Itachi and Sasuke that if the latter wanted to destroy Konoha he would have to intervene to stop him but wouldn't kill him because he believed he could save Sasuke but he's also telling Sasuke "either I save you or we both die" because he's not letting him succumb to darkness and be all by himself living a lonely existence but at the same time Naruto has never had the intention of killing Sasuke and living to tell it, because he doesn't consider Sasuke an enemy but his closest bond.

As for the second post, I'm bored by the same anti-naruto arguments Sasuke stans regurgitate "Naruto is being abusive and forcing himself onto Sasuke"

This is such a superficial shallow reading of the text and the worst part is that this type of Sasuke stans feel so smart saying this stupid bullshit.

I'm not going to delve to deep in how Kishimoto is taking inspiration from Chikamatsu Monzaemon and overall Japanese literature of the 18th century for the double suicide stuff, I've already written about it and linked other very good posts [LINK]

But anyway

Naruto is not trying to erase Sasuke's identity, that user is reaching so fucking hard or they are stupid as fuck. Naruto knows they've both been ostracized, oppressed and traumatized by the ninja world due to their status as jinchuuriki and Uchiha, he's telling Sasuke about a dream he has where they could live in a world where they can be happy not having been through the events that hurt them so much. I think Kishimoto's writing is very clear on that.

I love how they don't say what's the solution to Sasuke's problem at all. But anyway, even Naruto is not proposing dying as a solution to Sasuke's problems, he literally approached him first with understanding and empathy for what Sasuke's been through then when Sasuke asked him why he cares so much for him Naruto says "because we're friends" and says he will stop Sasuke from destroying Konoha and they will fight *like Sasuke wants* but he's not going to kill him not let himself be killed, because like I said, Naruto's idea is reconciliation and as last resource both of them dying, not that they will both simply die.

This annoying mf is pissing me off, like just making shit up. Naruto is not centering himself in Sasuke's life, when he said the "meeting in the afterlife" he's talking about how in this world they crossed paths through suffering *for being Jinchuuriki and Uchiha* and that's why they're both struggling in the situation they are (mostly Sasuke). Naruto is saying that in the afterlife where they'll meet, because they are not Jinchuuriki and Uchiha, their meeting will be different, they won't have to separate like they did at VoTE1, Sasuke won't feel the need to cut off those who care about him, it'd be a healthier life, and I think this is also pretty fucking clear in the text.

It's just baffling to me how Sasuke stans see Sasuke go through the worst mental breakdown of his life, abandoned by everyone who once knew him and then see Naruto, the only person that has unconditional love for him, that hasn't lost hope on him, that is the only person that has offered him words of compassion by telling him "Sasuke, I get it" after everyone else said there was no salvation for him, but also tell him "I'm not killing you because you're the most important person in my life and I'm not letting you killing me because I'm not letting you live alone so you can be in the misery you think you ought to" and they still see him as an evil manipulator. Naruto is not trying to brainwash Sasuke, he's answering the fucking question Sasuke asked.

Like maybe if those dumb mf dropped the internet communist revolutionary act for two seconds, they would understand Sasuke is being very self-destructive and suicidal here and Naruto is the only one offering him understanding but also being very firm he's not going to let Sasuke hurt himself more, which is how you're supposed to be when someone is struggling mentally and emotionally.

As Kishimoto said, losing your friend is akin to losing your own identity. By killing Naruto, Sasuke is hurting himself and Naruto is the only one who sees right through that and says "Nope, I'm not allowing that to happen"

[keru0]

Tickletober 2024

Day 3: Reward

Lee!Thoma x Ler!Ayato

IM FINALLY NOT SICK!! And I'm stupid and never queue fics mhich means I'll be posting 3 prompts a day until i catch up (2ish days i think?)!! Anyways, this one was fun to write, I love these two idiots.

Quick warning for sugge$tive themes!!

==========================================

“I won, Thoma~” A certain commissioner purred, leaning into another certain retainer at Komore Teahouse, the strawberry-blond fighting the urge to regurgitate whatever the hell it was he just put in his mouth. 

“M-my Lord, what was that?!” He said aghast, a grimace on his green face as he downed the blue-haired man’s sweet-tasting boba.

“Oh, just some lavender melon mixed with sauerkraut from your homeland…and some slime concentrate.” Ayato smirked, biting his lip to hide his urge to giggle at his lover’s repulsed expression.

“Ugh, Archons why- why would you mix those together?!” He asked with wide eyes and a hand covering his mouth, an astonished laugh leaving his lips as he did so.

“Because it’s supposed to be a challenge, Thoma. There’s nothing challenging about eating a normal hotpot.” He chuckled, rubbing the other’s rumbling stomach through his thin black t-shirt. “Now, I’m the winner, so~”

“Yeah, yeah, you want your reward…” Thoma sighed with a fond smile, a blush already creeping over his cheeks. “Where this time, Ayato?”

The man in question took his sweet time deciding that very important question. Last week he raked his nails over the other’s feet for quite a while, just a few days ago he tormented the other’s pits for almost half an hour, and last night he paid much attention to his muscular thighs. Now, though, he wanted to see his toned muscles – it was quite rare for the commissioner to be able to spend a good amount of time with them other than during activities that were far more risque. “Shirt off, Thoma~” He sang, kissing the other’s cheek.

Thoma sighed, the blush on his face deepening as he shrugged off his outerwear before beginning to peel off the tight shirt, his lover watching intently, biting his lip as he watched the show.

Tossing his wardrobe to the side, the shorter man laid across Ayato’s lap, a hand clutching the fancy robe he wore as the reddening skin creeped down to his chest, his master laughing fondly.

“Why are you always so shy, Thoma? You have an amazing body – nothing to be ashamed about, that’s for sure. Besides, I’ve seen far more-”

“E-enough!” Thoma shouted, covering his face with his hands and groaned. “Just get it over with already.”

The Yashiro commissioner laid a hand on the toned muscle of the soft stomach in his lap, running his hand back and forth to feel the soft skin, as well as the few scars littered here and there. “Oh no, I plan on taking my sweet time, thank you very much. It’s rare to see you this vulnerable.” He chuckled, taking one of Thoma’s hands to kiss the back of it. “Now…”

And then he attacked, his well kept nails lightly fluttering and scratching over the muscles, the man counted each individual one as he did so. “So strong!” He praised, “Onnne, twooo, three…”

The blond was a giggling mess almost immediately, hands slammed onto his blushing face in order to hide from his tormentor. “Ahahahyatohoho! Dohohon’t tehehehease!” He whined.

“But you’re so adorable! And handsome. And strong. And pretty and beautiful.” Ayato never let up, punctuating each statement with a tweak to the other’s side as he laughed along with him fondly. Surely this little reward wouldn’t last more than fifteen minutes, but then again, no one’s keeping track of the time – definitely not Ayato, at least.

[canineadversary]

my thoughts on zoochosis and how it applies to me personally

tw: self harm, trichotillomania, ed behaviors, vomiting, psych ward

tldr: i go crazy when im trapped

late night post because i’m laying in bed trying to sleep thinking about this lolol, but i see a lot of therians talk about how they experience zoochosis and i wanted to put in my experiences into the mix

i like this label personally for myself because it helps me understand my behaviors better, even if i have other explanations for them. usually i fall into a set of behaviors when im under extreme stress or i feel trapped, which lines up with zoochosis in animals. here’s a list of the common behaviors in zoochosis and i’m going to explain how they relate to me

Pacing

Bar biting

Bobbing, weaving and swaying

Rocking

Self-mutilation

Over-grooming

Regurgitating and reingesting food

(from idausa.org)

i do. all of these things. pacing, biting, bobbing, weaving, swaying, and rocking are all behaviors i experience when i feel stuck in a situation. mostly to self soothe or to get my stress-aggression out. same with self-mutilation. i usually turn my distress onto myself with self harming behaviors, and over-grooming is a good way to describe the way i rake my hands through my hair over and over again and pull out chunks. regurgitating and reingesting food is not something i do, but i tend to not eat when im in this mindset and i throw up anything i try to, and i feel like thats similar enough for me to apply it here as well.

my main examples that i can think of is from my time in the psych ward earlier this year. the entire time all i did was pace and pull out my hair and beg to leave. i felt anxious and aggressive, as someone who usually doesn’t get aggressive. i felt like i was going more insane in there than i was outside.

i also can apply this to my daily life, albeit in less extreme ways. constantly pacing, biting anything to soothe myself, and refraining from food when i get stressed. it’s the worst at work, where all i can do is walk around the store and do repetitive tasks

my entire life feels like one repetitive circle, where all i can do is go to work and go home and lay in my bed and sleep and get up and do it all over again. i wasn’t meant to live like this. i feel like a spectacle for humans to watch as i try and live their life

i feel like a trapped animal; and that’s exactly what i am. an animal trapped in a life it shouldn’t be living

[x-amarok-x]

Dio’s core philosophy has never been about love, friendship, or redemption. It has always been about dominance. He was born into suffering, yes. He learned early on that the world was cruel. But instead of choosing to rise above it, Dio decided to become the cruelty. He rejected morality, rejected humanity, and set himself on a path to godhood by any means necessary.

So why Pucci? Why did Dio, of all people, form a connection with a priest? Because Pucci was useful. Pucci was a devout, vulnerable man with a deep fear of sin and an obsession with righteousness. And Dio saw that weakness. He exploited it. He crafted the idea of ‘Heaven’ not as a way to become a better person, but as a way to gain ultimate control. Pucci was just the messenger. The means to an end.

Yet, here we are, in an era where people slap shallow, unfounded labels onto Dio. ‘He’s gay.’ ‘He had a tragic romance with Pucci.’ ‘He was just misunderstood.’ No. These takes are lazy, ignorant, and completely detached from his actual character.

Dio has never been driven by love—only power. He doesn’t form relationships; he forms hierarchies. He doesn’t care about companionship; he cares about control. His interactions with Pucci weren’t about emotional attachment—they were about creating a disciple who would execute his vision long after he was gone.

And the idea that Dio is someone to ‘pity’? That we should feel bad for him because of his upbringing? No. Dio is the embodiment of what happens when a person fully embraces malice. There is no redemption in his journey, because he never seeks it. He never wanted it.

The reason this conversation is important—the reason I’m making this post—is because people need to stop warping characters into whatever fits their personal headcanons. Dio Brando is a fascinating villain because he embodies pure, calculated evil. He is a case study in narcissism, sociopathy, and unchecked ambition. To understand Dio is to understand the dark psyche of human nature itself.

That’s why I respect The Vile Eye for his breakdown—because he’s one of the few people who actually understands villain psychology instead of regurgitating social media nonsense. If you haven’t seen his analysis, watch it. It’s one of the clearest dissections of Dio ever made. And as someone who has been with this character for over 25 years, I had to add my own analysis to set the record straight.

So if you care about villain analysis, if you care about psychology, if you care about actually understanding Dio Brando instead of reducing him to a joke, follow me. I’ll keep making content that gets into the real psychology behind these characters. Because truth matters.

And Dio Brando? Dio Brando wasn’t a tragic figure. He wasn’t someone to pity. He wasn’t in love with Pucci.

Dio Brando was a monster. And that’s exactly what made him great.

[innerclouddaze]

You know the posts recently about bbh neg on twter, the timing of it with that going on, makes me want to hurl, they don't give a shit about "victims" or the real issues. They just want to dunk on the next cc they hate using the current "momentum".

You know what, I say let them go ahead and try to "cancel" Bad, really, go ahead. They're just regurgitating shit DSMP fans has said over the years again and again about Bad. Its fcking funny actually. Oh not forgetting they had to invent new ones or ones THAT THEIR FAVES HAVE DONE TOO BTW, to "cancel" Bad. To think I was looking forward to QSMP fans being "healthier" or "better" than DSMP ones, oh boy am I sorely disappointed.

Let them run their mouths about Bad. Cuz I'm 100% sure the CCs , QSMP admins, and Quackity give 0 shit about them. Etoiles knows and has already expressed how he knows that Bad is overly hated by the fandom and how he receives neg on the daily. Despite knowing that, he's still cordial with Bad. And he even expressed how he tries to not be "angry" or "frustrated" at Bad or else the parasocial fucks will come running to "defend" him from "evil" BBH when he has said a million times over that its not a fcking big deal, and hes just expressing himself NOT IN A NEG WAY. but noooo parasocial fucks be like "oh no my skunkrly wrunkly his feelings got hurt oh no" same shit with foolish fans. Fcking blind af. Esp the new ones who hasnt experienced the prank wars in dsmp. Fcking joyless fucks who cant handle a fcking block game that theyre not even playing. But thankfully, Etoiles stopped being so concerned, and well, yk with Foolish lmao same old same old.

(Disclaimer: SOME FANS NOT ALL, IM TALKING ABOUT THE TOXIC PARASOCIAL FUCKS, YES EVEN THE BIG ACCOUNTS ON TWITTER WITH THOUSANDS OF FOLLOWERS. You know who. Big numbers doesn't mean they're more RIGHT. A parasocial fuck is a parasocial fuck. Also, when I say parasocial, I mean the ones who are toxic and project themselves onto the CC. Being parasocial is fine, if it's the healthy kind, if you know what I mean)

I digress, there's no fcking unfollows or subtweets from CCs to Bad, unlike with D or F. In fact, some CCs and CLOSE FRIENDS of Bad's have always praised Bad and defended him TO THIS DAY. If that is not enough of an indication of how unproblematic he is, Idk what else to say. Just fuck off and live a life in constant misery and hatred ig. That's why don't respond to fucks like that. Just mute em. They can yap all they want but it means SHIT ALL if you don't see it. BBH's community is WAY WAY smaller than the whole fandom (and theres wayyy more toxic fucks) so bbhs community saying shit back to the toxic shits will also mean SHIT ALL. They CLEARLY don't watch Bad anyways so what's the point. Better way to deal with this shit is fight the misinformation, that's all. Spread more positivity and give ppl FULL context and CORRECT information. If you see some shit against Bad, report it and send it to whatever ban list qsmp uses. Send it to mods or something. Ik that Bagi's discord has something like that.

Oh but ppl be like /rp or /lh or "it's just my opinion", who gives a shit. Still report them. We're not dumb. The mods or whoever admins are not dumb. That negative toxic fuck smell on it, is fcking obvious enough.

STOP GIVING THEM ENGAGEMENTS. We can happily stay in each others bubbles without ever talking to each other, AND THAT IS FINE. Don't let the negative fucks in. Mute and report them, and I guarantee you, that fcking stranger on the Internet, you'll forget within DAYS. those fuckers won't even exist to you, vice versa.

THEIR WORDS HOLD NO POWER OVER YOU OR THE QSMP COMMUNITY. KEEP THE QSMP COMMUNITY HEALTY AND SAFE. Fuck them toxic shits.

[iridescentscarecrow]

by you talking about makima being an abusive mother i assume you're referring to eli's excellent post about CSM's association with motherhood. please do check it out if you haven't, it's been rotting away in my brain for a while and the Chainsaw Man as a birthing device is something i'll bring up in this response.

this is a really intriguing line of inquiry, and an interesting way to think of kishibe; so i'll attempt to assimilate my thoughts on how he's positioned in this answer. this will be quite long so do bear with me:

i've talked about how Family as a concept bleeds into part two from part one. in p1, makima forms for denji a Family, and in p2, denji is handed this motherhood over nayuta.

makima as the Mother is kept and collared by the state. and thinking of chainsaw man in terms of its reproductive power can be extended to its literal reproduction of the narrative. myth and memory form themselves through regurgitation, and the CSM cuts away this chain of reproduction when it eats entire concepts. when it makes people forget. there's an already apparent connection to the Womb (makima // nayuta // denji) but the selectivity in narrative-reproduction is why its central to makima and kishibe's conflict. the war against the mother who exerts control over the child.

because kishibe is the Masculine: he teaches makima and in turn makima entrusts denji and power to him,,, he narratively affirms denji's wondering if he's still able to feel, whether he shouldn't feel sadder at himeno's death by telling us, the audience, that the best devil hunters are those who "have a few screws loose." we're painted this image of denji as a feral incomprehensible Crazy thing, but this isn't true even at this phase of the story. he mourns pochita, he empathises with power's grief at losing meowy. [there's an intriguing line of thought where you compare denji with aki along this vein too, if you think about it].

and that's why the movie date with makima is actually the effective closing of this arc -- her telling denji that he does have a heart subverts kishibe's rhetoric, and what the story tells us denji is. this is makima in her role as mama, the mother, the love that she feels and recieves and creates. incidentally, the chaotic agent that kishibe envisions coincides with makima's idealisation of the chainsaw man, apart from the part where she's expressedly affectionate towards it. and who has she been raised by except these (masculine) institutions? who taught her how and what to want?

aside but "that's a lie." // he sees makima and recognises her machinations at one level but he's never really understood her or her need for love. she tells him that she wants to save people (and this may or may not be true) but he can't really parse that, can he? and kishibe also structures and contextualises so much of the story for us, just like what makima does: what i already said about denji's chaotic self, him narrating reze's past, etc. he's an independent source of information.

because yeah: kishibe is ruthless. and people often bring up kishibe's relationship with quanxi but i don't often see them balance her "ignorance is bliss" vs. kishibe's need to have a few screws loose. we know as the audience about how quanxi actively shuts herself off, but kishibe keeps talking about leaning into this devil hunter nature. and what i think is decipherable from this dynamic is that quanxi, or at least what kishibe sees her as, is kishibe's ideal. tbh she's actually a Symbol for various different ideals, her habitation and display of her sexuality alongside her Ignorance is denji's ultimate form! and kishibe trains denji... [aside but this is why cosmo being her gf is so interesting to me. something something woman who thinks ignorance is bliss x devil who embodies the Horrors of Knowing]

kishibe blindfolding himself after her death is him transposing that ignorance onto himself. he doesn't want to see a thing -- and that's where you see that dissonance. it's not that he's beyond caring, it's how blind he is in how he does this caring.

and kishibe strains against this, he wants to cut away his relationships as contrasted with makima (and even denji) wanting to form them. and this is why makima cutting off kishibe's last tie to quanxi is so interesting because you remember: quanxi didn't accept his deal.

you have kishibe pining after quanxi and yet she's not sexually available to him, so he further isolates himself. and the forming and breaking of relationships comes back here so vividly --

aki's and power's deaths form the CSM out of denji. it's crazy and unpredictable but it doesn't challenge makima, does it? // "attacks don't work against her."

and when all is said and done, denji tells him it's love. loove. denji's the one who explains makima to kishibe. they're sitting at the bench and denji's petting the dogs while nyako, the willingly domesticated animal, twirls itself around kishibe... and kishibe handles the cat with such affection. denji tells him it's love so what does he do except hand nayuta to him??

thank you for the ask, anon!

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hi Mara, i reread your old A:N fanfic the other day (the hatecorp one), its really interesting and i liked it!! i just wanted to tell you that + im looking forward to the next A:N fic you write ^^

hey anonymous, i appreciate that--really: i don:t think my readership is particularly high and for most of my writing i wholly expect its reception to be little more different than tossing it into a bin, so i:m always pretty happy to hear someone read/liked something i wrote (like someone snuck it out of the bin and read it);

the hatecorp fanfic is a weird one because it was my first 'clash' with going against autofiction and feeling of friction from writing simulacrum of experiences that are not my own--although i:ve been to Clearwater and talked to Scientologists and bought the books and read the books and visited teeny tiny little orgs and been yelled at by protestors and watched the Sea Org march about stony faced before entering shuttles that scuttle around the roads--i had not paid for any courses and my attempts to join the Sea Org were waved off; the hatecorp as it exists for me would stop at the org and with telling the receptionist that i want to join the org, and going home after.

i think it was part ~2 of that fanfic where i felt like i had no idea what i was writing except that i did not like the feeling i had while writing it, "i:m just regurgitating knowledge i know"--it was a fanfiction i couldn:t write with any real heart, so it only had the simulacrum of anothers heart; parts 1, 3, 4 were mostly from me (i still write about the founding sister; there are several unfinished stories about her), but it also wasn:t coincidence that immediately after writing that fanfic i decided to value my own experiences more highly and became fixated upon the Adventists and Ellen White and started re-attending my local church where i had gone for schooling and rehabilitation, and that basically all my writing after became a murk of Adventism and chirality, because, after-all: i am haunted by a ghost of adventism and christianity.

the latest fanfic i:d been working on ('which you can read as a draft on my substack on the monthly paywall posts >:-))' feels like dirt advertising a clunky draft, but i do put all my drafts in those posts) is focused on viva because, lately, i:d been wanting to reconnect with 'old mystiques,' spoon-bending, silvery flying saucers, cattle mutilation, almond-eyed aliens, crop circles, ESP, telekinesis, gangstalking, and of course: 5G, though mostly grafted onto john keel's superspectrum stuff from eighth tower--a move away from Love Corp, and a move away from a childhood in scientology that was not my childhood; i wanted to write about those blue cars i keep seeing, because i keep seeing them; just yesterday they pulled up on the shoulder and far into the grass and nudged up against the sidewalk as soon as i approached and waited for me and idled. there was that anonymous question about "what i would like to tell someone," which i still think is a silly question because as i view myself i have become stuck on a single paranoia and religion that has threaded itself through every single thing i have written and every single thing i have drawn, and every-thing is a desperate attempt to seed that singular rotten datum into everything else in different weathers and soils--and this fanfic is no different, because i can only write from the hauntings of my own experience.

fifth linebreak,

sixth,

seventh,

take care anonymous, thank you very kindly for your readership; unrelated note: i was thinking about "daydream season 3 castle rock" and what i would want to see is "protagonist is a Christine possessed teen who is starting to see the 'shitters' that are befouled by his car, and his attempt to survive the very real infection of the outer-space saucer filled with dead Tommyknockers that are haunting the town from a mile down inside the earth--sideplot is the advertising firm from Cujo is trying to establish itself within the infected town but is facing John Carpenter They Live style opposition"

[dearmahiru-archive]

— together in death; dearmahiru's shinjū theory

tw: this post revolves around the discussion of group suicide and a toxic relationship

Before I Love You had released, I proposed Mahiru attempted to commit a lover's suicide with her boyfriend. It's hopelessly outdated (and terribly formatted) but, given we've recieved many confirmations about Mahiru's story, I wanted to try rewriting the theory with the new information. For reference here is the old post.

Yamanaka: ❝ When we designed the characters and their sins, we tried to design them in a way that is open for interpretation depending on how each viewer feels, and encourage differences in opinions. For example, some sins may be legally wrong, or something that you can’t forgive emotionally, and some may be interpreted differently due to cultural differences and different upbringings. So we encourage people from all walks of life to participate, to increase the diversity and depth in the results. ❞

Understandably, this post will paint Mahiru in an overtly sympathetic light given my bias towards her. However, I'm disinterested in rehashing the same "Mahiru is a bad person" points when everyone is aware of her flaws. I acknowledge proposing this theory would seem like an attempt to absolve Mahiru of guilt but that's not my intention. Like every character, Mahiru is morally gray and whether the audience finds her forgivable is up to them.

So, without further ado, let's begin.

01. Setting The Scene

This particular scene in I Love You is extremely important: namely, it's the location of her victim's death.

If we look at Mahiru's incarnation records, her victim died in Aokigahara, Japan's infamous suicide forest. This makes sense given he had died by hanging.

At least since the 1960s, Aokigahara has become associated with suicide, eventually becoming known in English by the nickname "Suicide Forest" and gaining a reputation as one of the world's most-used suicide sites.

Adding onto this, we know Mahiru went with her boyfriend to Aokigahara. First, ofcourse, the two are seen walking through a literal forest. Second, in Mahiru's Undercover memories, the sleeves perfectly align with the clothes Mahiru and her boyfriend wear. There's no other day where these sleeves align—trust me, I checked.

Q. Can you drive a car? Mahiru: "I have a drivers license. But I'm only a 'paper driver.'"

A paper driver is someone who's license is only 'paper' because they don't use it. Aokigara is a two-hour drive away from Tokyo which is where Mahiru lives. If she doesn't drive then this might mean it was her boyfriend who drove them to Aokigahara.

So to recap, Mahiru and her boyfriend went to a suicide forest together. This does beg the question though: why did Mahiru come along? If she knew her boyfriend was suicidal then wouldn't she try consoling him? Unless, ofcourse, Mahiru also wanted to die.

02. Love Is Mine

When you peek into Mahiru's symbolism you'll notice one reoccurring theme: clinging onto someone until you both suffocate.

Beginning with this shot of Mahiru and her victim, she's depicted as the literal noose tied around her boyfriend's neck. However, as many have noted, it can also be interpreted as her comforting him. As opposed Haruka who's straddling ontop of his victim, Mahiru's boyfriend is laying on her lap while she gazes into his eyes. Although violent, it's a distinctly intimate scene.

Personally, I'm partial to the name theory which suggests each prisoner's name reflects something about their crime. I noted the meaning behind Mahiru's name here but I'll regurgitate it. Mahiru's name means "Midday" which fits along her description:

A prisoner who is like the sun, always chatting and laughing.

So, with the theory in mind, Mahiru's crime relates to her eternal sunny presence.

Along with this, each prisoner has the kanji for "wood" in their name and removing that kanji reflects an aspect of their crime. (For instance, Haruka (嬰) would be "baby" or "necklace" and Yuno (堅) would be "strong" or "resolute" like her real personality).

With out the wood kanji, Mahiru's name is 隹 which means means "bird," obviously relating to how Mahiru and her boyfriend are both bluebirds suffocating within their small birdcage. Their relationship was doomed from the beginning—as bluebirds are wild animals and therefore cannot survive in cages. It was inevitable one of them would've become stressed out and died. Put a pin in the birdcage symbolism since we'll came back to that.

Moving on, in her first voice drama, Mahiru reveals how her victim died:

Es: "I see. So, you became a murderer as a result of some relationship conflicts? Jealousy… Grudges… Having your partner stolen from you… Those stories aren’t all that uncommon now are they?" Mahiru: "You’re wrong. It wasn’t that. I…never even wanted to kill anyone in the first place!" Es: [pauses] Mahiru: "I just… I was… just being myself."

(honestly really frustrating how people still theorize mahiru/her boyfriend cheated when she expressed multiple times that wasn't the case. all of the victims apart from kotoko's were innocent people and mahiru "loving my bf is my defining personality trait" shiina isn't about to tap someone's elses ass. if anything this is a demonstration she was only stressed out about her partner leaving her but whatever i digress)

And then later on these exchanges happen:

Es: It was your love which killed someone, right? Despite that, will you still try to love another person?  Mahiru: [thinks] Actually, I was hoping you could tell me the answer to that, prison guard… If what I did was unforgivable.

Mahiru: Ah, this isn’t good. Be careful, okay? Um… Um… If you’re that kind to me, you could die as well. Just—kidding?  

So already, this theme of suffocation has been reinforced multiple times. Mahiru goes with her boyfriend to a suicide forest, she locks hands with him, she's symbolised as a noose hanging him, she's stuck in a birdcage with him, and it's her sunny disposition, her love for him which kills him.

Which forms the foundation for this theory: following her theme of clinging until suffocation, Mahiru tried to die alongside her boyfriend to forever stay with him.

Q. What is the ultimate form of Love?Mahiru: Being always together

Mahiru: My first shrine visit of the year was together with him. Obviously I know what I want to wish for. Please let us stay together like this forever. Please don’t let anyone else get in our way

Do you really think you know what love is? If you do, let's just overheat together! [Mahiru is outright singing, "Lets stay close together for so long we could die from the warmth.]

If you don't hug me, even our hearts will start drifting apart [Otherwise, "If you don't hold me close then I won't feel loved by you."

Mahiru: "Ehehe...I love, love, LOVE YOU!! Don't ever let me go, ok!"

The happiness we tightly bound up and suffocated, is no longer here

Which leads us to our third point: oh goodness Mahiru's relationship was a hot mess.

03. Love Is (Un)Dead

Okay, so we've established a lot but there's one thing missing: Is Mahiru herself suicidal?

Mahiru: It’s because I've… decided that I’m going to live for the sake of love

Mahiru: Hmm. If you can’t forgive me for what I’ve done, then there’s no point in living—to be honest. [laughs] 

Mahiru: Being in love is… If there was no such thing as love, then my life would be so bland. So, if you say that I won’t be allowed it anymore, then there’s no point in me living. 

An extremely unfortunate yes! Similar to how Shidou wishes to die because of his love, Mahiru only lives for the sake of love. (Infact, coasting off this shinju theory, I'd even say that both Shidou and Mahiru wanted to die for the sake of meeting their loved ones again.)

One specific detail I'd like to highlight are Mahiru's shoes.

In Japan there is a custom for people to take off their shoes before entering their homes, as to not track dirt into their houses. As a result of this line of thinking there is also a custom where people take off their shoes before they enter the afterlife as not to track dirt and such into their ethereal destination. Abandoned pairs of shoes in Japanese media have become symbolic of suicides, and they are also common in non-Japanese media.

This specific symbolism is seen an additional time with Mahiru and Kazui's victims in Undercover and Mu in It's Not My Fault, both of which are related to suicide.

In Mahiru first MV, there's always a shot where we can explicitly see her shoes. They're on in the beginning, off when she confesses to her boyfriend and they begin dating, and on again after something happened to her boyfriend.

I believe this may represent she was suicidal during the relationship. Apart from this, there's lots of little details which paint the picture she was unhappy with her life and dating her boyfriend.

When being interviewed, she tends to talk a lot, and she seems to have developed some special feelings for the prison guard, and sometimes also shows a lonely, vacant expression in contrast to her normally bright and cheerful self. [These "special feelings" for Es aren't necessarily romantic. Atleast, it's "love" in the same way Mahiru thinks of a murder prison as a romantic getaway. It's moreso developes a connection with Es because they uniquely give her attention and she finds their hardwork admirable. She finds them kind and, "if youre kind to me I'm going to start relying on you, thanks!"]

"Hello! I’m Shiina Mahiru, 22 years old! I may be incompetent, but it’s a pleasure meeting you!"

Mahiru: Right…… so you too, Mu-chan…Hmm, I guess it’s because of the environment here. Sometimes your mental state has an impact. Mu: …You’re the same, then? …that it’s gone…… Mahiru: …it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine. This sort of thing happens all the time~

I guess we can just say that this feeling is happiness I can't stop feeling like there's something missing

We can both feel lonely sometimes, but wonder if you'll get angry soon

We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt Let's have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad

This is a claim of responsibility From the two of us with matching love Wanting to know everything about you, but wanting to die because it can't come true It's all because of love

Don’t lose focus even when exercising! The pastel tones mean not only do you look ready to go but also give off a cute oneesan appeal. Even for a rougher style of dress you can’t be careless! Painted toenails and a necklace show some attention to detail to make for a sexy casual style. Just because it’s outdoors doesn’t mean you can relax too much! Even when picking out a date outfit to protect you from the cold, you still want to protect that loveable silhouette.

Most damning of all I'll say is Mahiru's parasite cover. The song tells a story about a scorned girlfriend who was used for sex and seeks alcohol in order to deal with her lingering feelings for ex-boyfriend. At one point Miku throws a bouquet back mirroring Mahiru's desire for a wedding.

(hmm funny how the "mahiru is a yandere because she covered psychogram" crowd was silent about this cover i wonder whyyyy)

Why can’t you understand? I hate you! Never touch me again

Wait a second, when did things start going wrong? I loved the bad parts too, everything was fine

It’s even worse when you are nice to me, But I don’t want to be given the cold shoulder [Most of all, Mahiru desires attention from her boyfriend. In her T1 MV she mentions how he "not the brightest so he never notices that I go to the beautician." This is a likely a blow to her self confidence given the heavy emphasis she has on appearing pretty. Sporadically across the magazines there's lines about "not slacking off" in public because people are always watching.]

Hey, give me back the time I used loving you, You liar. But I still love you

Hey, please don’t leave me behind, Hey, I’m hungry [This line always makes me so sad. In Mahiru's cover there's a beep to imply she's leaving this as a voice-mail for her boyfriend. Once again fulfilling our "stay with me always" clinging symbolism quota.]

Pretend not to see spitting out saliva, You're going to throw me away as incombustible waste

It’s just a bunch of “why”, I can’t change, I want to…I don’t want to leave

Hey, I want you to let me hug you at the last moment, thank you. And now, you are too (a parasite)

It's the last line I'd like to highlight because, all in one song, we've reinforced Mahiru's happiness in the relationship and the clinging symbolism. Mahiru and her boyfriend were both parasites who's clung onto eachother and deprived eachother of nutrients. Both of you suck!!

Then there's Mahiru's two symbolic locations: the birdcage and the carousel. Both of Mahiru's mindscapes places her in the same location: her home, as evident by the couches with pillows.

Personally, I subscribe to the idea the Day 16's house belong to Mahiru or it's a shared home with her boyfriend. If the poor financial situation theory is correct then the two might've decided to live together to cut costs (or Mahiru pressured him into agreeing). Her boyfriend works at a convenience store so he's probably not as financially well-off as Mahiru who recieves an allowance.

However, on a subconscious level, Mahiru thinks of her their home as a birdcage. As stated before, bluebirds can't survive in birdcages, and this is represented by her boyfriend's feathers falling from stress. Something interesting I'd like to note is that Mahiru considers leaving the birdcage but instead decides to dive back into the feathers, causing her boyfriend even more stress. Say with me: clinging 👏 until 👏 you 👏 suffocate 👏 imagery.

"Hmm... I’m a little troubled that I can’t go home, but... It’s fine, I guess. Even if I go home, there’s nothing left... And, I find it fun talking to you!"

Then, after her boyfriend's death, she thinks of their home as a carousel ride. The ledge at the beginning of the MV implies that—rather than an expansive space like Mu's beehive—the carousel is a small space. It's only Mahiru, the couch, the carousel, and a dead corspe. All she's able to do is fall asleep or ride the carousel again by herself, knowing she'll have to get off at some point. It's once again that imagery of something which is cramped and suffocating.

Both of her mindscapes cut them off from the outside world. Within her own mind all that matters is simply her and her boyfriend.

04. The Only You Can('t) Leave

Finally, I'd like to note something which has been sitting on my mind: Mahiru's themes of destiny and rebirth.

Q. What do you think happens when people die? Mahiru: They go to heaven!

Lovers committing double suicide believed that they would be united again in heaven, a view supported by feudal teaching in Edo period Japan, which taught that the bond between two lovers is continued into the next world, and by the teaching of Pure Land Buddhism wherein it is believed that through double suicide, one can approach rebirth in the Pure Land.

(big credit to doctorbunny's and archivalofsins's work on the this is how to be inlove with you locations for pointing this out! ily2 please check them out)

On Day 8, Mahiru goes with her boyfriend to go see "Your Name." Take this with a grain salt because I haven't see the actual movie— I refuse to watch a Makoto Shinkai film until he's allowed to write yuri—but the general gist is that two teenagers from 2013 and 2016 end up swapping bodies. Later, it's revealed that Mitsuha, the main heroine, is fated to die from a comet hitting the earth in the future. Fortunately, through time shenanigans, her fate ends up being altered and both teens end up surviving.

A romance movie featuring a dead lover and a mid relationship? Why, it's perfect for Mahiru!

The two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. This myth is similar to the Western concept of soulmate or a destined partner.

Okay, okay, jokes aside that's not the sole reason I'm bringing up Your Name. Ofcourse, what's most interesting is it's theme of soulmates and how it relates to Mahiru.

Mahiru: Yeah. – Him and I… we loved each other. Properly as boyfriend and girlfriend. We met in college… It was the first time for me, so I don’t know if it was good or not, but… I think we were just normally going out together. I thought it was fate. He said it was, too.

Q. How did you meet your lover? Mahiru: We met eyes at the university terrace. I really felt like it was fate.

On the terrace at university, when I met eyes with that person I knew it must be fate. I might have been born purely so I could one day end up together with him. Or not, am I just overthinking things?

I ran into the person I’m interested in at the bread shop. This has to be fate, right? In the end I ended up buying the same bread as he got, but maybe I don’t need this much… > < I wasn’t thinking about the calories.

We went to one of the filming locations for a movie we both like! This sort of thing can only happen in Tokyo huh! It really must be fate that even our taste in movies lines up. I feel like a totally different person to before I met him… [Once again the movie she's talking about Your Name which is one of the highest grossing anime films of all times... bestie... ily but your rose colored glasses are blinding!!!]

Namely, once again, we're reinforcing the theme of clinging together until you suffocate. Two soulmates forced into loving eachother by the hands of fate. It's a very romantic idea twisted into something heart-wrenching.

The idea of "saving your lover from death" is briefly reflected Day 8 where Mahiru gives her boyfriend a hangover cure from called Corspe Reviver. A bit on the nose, don't you think?

This sections dawdles a little bit from the whole Shinju Theory but it felt off if I didn't include it. Given Shidou's entire character revolves around killing in order to save his loved ones, I can almost imagine Mahiru's murder was to save her boyfriend as well. There's not much evidence but... it's certainly there, right?

05. Conclusion

Aha, this post kind of devolved from "heres my shinju theory" and moreso "wow, Mahiru has a lot of suffocation imagery" which is true. There's so much of it. I don't even think this is all of it!

Theres alot more I wanted to add but... I'm not good with writing long posts if you couldn't tell! If anyone would like to add onto this for me I'd be thrilled ❤️

[heph]

Hey, I remember you mentioning on your IG something about two types of popular artists and one being good at social media and the other being good at art or something like that (I can't really remember lol). But it got me thinking, any tips for how to be good at social media? Cuz I'm certainly not even after posting art for six years lol

Heya!

What I meant by that is that there are traits that allow you to grow on social media, and traits that determine what a highly skilled artist is, and those traits do not always necessarily overlap.

I've seen so many amazing artists that post artwork that blow my head off, and yet they don't have many likes. On the other hand, some artists at the same skill level who draw more popular things will get way more attention.

That is not to say that either is the correct way to create art, but there is definitely a formula to social media that is in play.

There are a lot of posts about how to grow a social media account, particularly on TikTok, YouTube and Instagram art spheres, and imo you really need to examine what you want from your art before jumping into social media mode

The stuff you create to pander to social media might not be art that you want to create at all - I'm lucky, because I am less artist more storyteller, and what I enjoy is telling jokes and silly stories to liven up people's moods :] this, of course, conveniently does well on social media. On a personal note, I have a history of being a recluse and not connecting well with people, and art is my way of trying to communicate my feelings, one way or another.

So of course, if you draw for any reason other than my own, my approach to art and it's relation to social media might be inappropriate for you.

All that being said, if u take a look at those "get big on social media" videos they always cite the same few points... And you can look into that, for sure, but this video sums up how I feel about all that.

I spent like 20 minutes drafting words after the above paragraph, but I really ended up regurgitating sentiments from the video... So really don't listen to me, listen to that video

EDIT:

I just realised I didnt actually answer the question with my anecdotal experience, so here's a list of things I did

1. Posted like 3 doodles a day on social media

I did this for 6 months on a side account on Twitter recently and got the account to 11k followers... And I did this for 3 months on Instagram a few years ago and I think got 3.5k followers. Of course, do not spam maliciously and make sure your art is still of good quality, but for those artworks I posted quickly, I did not colour, and mostly did clean sketches. This also trains you in the matter of line confidence haha. Again, this worked for me because of my set of circumstances (love for the media, want to tell stories, simple art style)

2. Focus on my favourite aspects of media

This helps with respect to burnout - kinda hard to burnout when you love what you're making! For me, it's character interactions and comics. I want to see my blorbos kiss and if I'm not the one drawing it who will?!

3. Interact with people

People eat up work that they can interact with. A choose your own story situation, one of those like/rt to strip a character 😭 those do numbers for a reason.

Additionally, if you post stuff people love, people will respond to it with comments, maybe their own headcanons, adding on to the work... I've gone into long looong Twitter thread conversations with people who added onto my ideas that I threw up onto the screen and I think it's also a nice thing to do to respond to positive comments haha... I'm not very good at this (read: bad at communication)

I think that's the key points... Hope this helps!

[polandspringz]

Chapter Summary:

The holidays are here, and MC has been promoted from managing multiple departments to multiple dates.

Story Summary: Set in a modern society, where there are no demons or angels, the Celestial and Devildom Corporations have held a longstanding rivalry as the two most wealthy and influential brands in this city. After years of competition, they surprised the public with news of a partnership. Their first joint effort: Sponsoring one special intern each who will work to unite the businesses using their outsider perspective and communication skills that the old CEOs, and their heirs, seem to fail at. You, MC, thought you were selected as one of them. Apparently someone misread the skill section of your resume though, and hired you as a family therapist and mystery detective too.

Chapter will be posted below, but please click the link to comment on AO3 and leave kudos!

Exams were over.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you finished checking over your Scantron for the five hundredth time, being sure-sure that you didn’t accidentally skip a question and fill in all the bubbles one off, and that your name was an actual word and not just the scribbles your sleep deprived and study-crammed brain believed it was. You quickly got up, handed your paper in, and as quietly as possible, scurried back to your seat where you grabbed all your belongings and escaped the classroom, unfortunately failing as you banged your shin on the doorframe in your haste.

Satan was waiting for you outside, sitting on a raised platform for a display in the art building. A book held open with a single hand, his thumb pressing against the inside of the spine and keeping it crisply open, he smiled and looked up when your shadow approached and cast over him.

“All done?”

“All done!” You stretched your arms in the air high and cheered. He chuckled at your childish moment and closed the book, tucking it away and standing up himself, pushing off his long and lanky legs until he was at his full height in front of you.

“Congratulations are in order then.”

“Don’t say that. I don’t know my grade yet.”

“MC.” He leveled you with a serious stare, incredulous at your statement, “You have almost a 4.0 GPA. You were spouting facts at me for the past two days, there’s no way you didn’t vomit all of that out perfectly onto your test.”

“Ugh, even if it's someone like you saying it, the word vomit still sounds gross. Don’t use it,” you said, slinging your backpack onto your back and making a disgusted face.

“Would you prefer retch? What about regurgitate?”

“I feel like regurgitate is the more appropriate one in this scenario, oh-mister-literature-major.”

“I’ll use whatever phrase gets you to walk faster. Come on, let’s get you home and to sleep already. I don’t want to have to carry you.”

“But my brain is soooo tired,” you whined dramatically, and he pushed you forward as you dug your heels into the ground.

“But not your legs. Besides, carrying you is Mammon’s job, not mine.”

You flushed, and rocked back onto the balls of your feet, hurrying out of the art building doors. Satan could be heard laughing softly behind you.

**

Although the holiday break for the D.C. didn’t start until the 29th, Diavolo had been kind and merciful to the college students among his employees and gifted Satan and you an early day off from the company. Although-although, from Lucifer’s perspective, only you had an official day off from work. Satan was just off from school, as he was still unaware of his more permanent position in the company at the moment. While he knew that his brother skulked around the company’s publishing department without authorization, and that Satan had adopted a uniform similar to what the rest of the department heads wore, he was still oblivious to the conspiracy that Diavolo and Satan had been enacting.  You tried not to dwell on it for too long, for fear that you would vomit the words out with anxiety.

Nonetheless, the two of you had the day off. So, while the rest of the brothers were suffering at their desk jobs so close to a holiday, you and Satan were spending the day sprawled across various surfaces, going from passed out in your beds to half asleep at the dining room table in your bowls of cereal, draped across arm chairs, to finally in a heap on the couch as a book lay discarded on the floor, slipped from the blonde’s fingers, and the television remote upside down and the batteries exposed as the drop popped the cover off the back.

You were fast asleep until your phone began to buzz, pinned somewhere on the couch between your pile of limbs and the cushions, and you both began to grumble and squirm in an attempt to find it. Satan ended up kicking you off in his annoyance, dropping you onto the floor directly onto your ass, but your phone slipped out and into your hands, so it all worked out in the end. You glanced at the caller I.D.

Levi.

Wait a minute. Levi was calling you?

Not texting?

Your sleep-addled brain jolted itself awake and you hurried to accept the call.

There was a moment of silence on both ends. You had expected him to say something first.

“H-hello?”

“...MC.”

“Yes, Levi? It’s me? Why are you calling? Are you okay?”

“What do you mean? Of course I’m okay. Why are you acting like you were worried about me or something?”

The defensiveness in Levi’s voice was harsh, but not unfamiliar. You knew he was hiding something.

“Levi,” you said calmly, “You know I won’t judge you or anything. It’s just that I know you hate phone calls, so I was surprised when you didn’t just text me instead.”

“It’s because… It’s because it’s important.”

You hummed in agreement, and crossed your legs, “I figured. What’s up?” You said sweetly, trying to coax him with patience.

“A-are you free tonight?”

“I am. Why?”

“B-because the- becausethemoviecomesouttonightandyoupromisedyouwould-”

“Wait, Levi, what? The movie?”

“See? I knew it was stupid. You stupid normie. Forgetting about the promise you made me and-”

The promise? Oh. You sat up, “The Ruri-chan movie, right? I didn’t forget, Levi. I just woke up a minute ago, my brain is still a little slow. Of course I’ll go with you. Can we still get tickets though?”

“...I bought them already. I bought them when they went on sale months ago.”

“Months ago, huh? You’re really excited about this, huh? Guess I better dress up then.” You rubbed your eyes sleepily, thoughts slowly coming together in your brain, “Wait a second, months ago?” Your brain pieced together images of your calendar, and Levi had only brought the movie up to you a few weeks ago. Did that mean then-?

“It’s not what you think!” He squawked on the other end, “I just- I just accidentally bought an extra ticket, and then I needed to find someone else to go with. No- wait! I meant that I didn’t want to sit next to anyone weird so I bought the seats around me so that I would be left alone!”

“Does that mean you don’t want me sitting next to you?”

“No! That’s not- You’re-! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The movie’s at midnight so just be ready by ten o’clock! You better not fall asleep during the movie or I’ll never forgive you!”

“Aye, aye, captain Levi,” you saluted, “I’ll go back to my bed so I’ll be all rested up for later.”

“I’ll be home soon, so I’ll make sure to wake you up in time!”

“Thank you, Levi. Bye bye,” you shut your eyes as you waved at the wall across from you, slowly pulling the phone away as you pressed down on the power button, ending the call. Satan shuffled around behind you, sitting up. You looked back at him, seeing how his blonde bangs were sticking up in all different directions from being face down on the couch.

“You’re going out tonight?”

“Yeah, I had made a deal with Levi a few weeks ago. But I don’t mind. I just have to lose this headache.”

“Post finals exhaustion does that to you. To us, I guess. Come back to bed?”

“Don’t phrase it like that around Mammon, unless you want to get your head ripped off. And you were the one who kicked me off the couch.”

“Your phone was annoying me. Come on.”

It was rare for Satan to whine, but you guessed sleepiness did that to any of the brothers. You accepted his hand and crawled back onto the cushions, flopping down again. Satan remained sitting, reaching over and rattling with something before he held that something out in front of your lips.

“Tylenol. Open.”

You obliged and he leaned over to fetch one of your water bottles off the coffee table.

**

“Levi, you look fine! Come on, let’s go already-!”

You were tugging on his arm, careful not to pull on any of the ribbon tails and ruffles that were fluttering about between the game of tug of war.

“No! I can’t! Let me get changed first! It’s stupid! I look stupid! I know I do!”

“We’re going to be late-! Come on!”

You yanked with all your strength and stumbled backwards through the doorway into the hall, sending Levi tumbling with you, revealing his state to the rest of the household who had been watching your struggle curiously.

While you had opted for something comfortable for going to the movies, Levi had decided to go all out. Well, he wasn’t Levi right now, he was a perfect recreation of Ruri-chan, wig, contacts, and all. And while he looked stunning and made your jaw drop, he unfortunately mistook your reaction and began crying and slamming the door in your face.

But you had gotten him out of his room. So step one was done.

He was sitting in a heap of his skirt and petticoat, on the verge of tears now feeling all the eyes of his brothers on him, but you didn’t have time to dwell on that. You grabbed him by the wrist again and pulled him to his feet, marching down the hall to the front door.

“Do you have the tickets?”

“H-Huh? Yes, they’re on my phone-”

“Is your phone charged?”

“I have a portable battery with me!”

“And?”

“And a wire!” He said between sniffles.

You got to the entranceway, and stuffed your feet into your shoes without letting go of Levi, still worried he would bolt the moment you did, but he seemed too occupied sniffling and trying not to rub his makeup off his face as he stood there waiting for you. When you stood back up, you took a good look at him, and sighed.

“Wait right here. Don’t run back in your room, you hear me?”

You didn’t wait for his response. You went back to his bedroom and glanced around until you spotted it, grabbing the bag off of his dresser. You marched back past the stares until you reached the sniffles again, and squatted down so you could place the pouch on your legs as you fished around in it.

“What are you-?”

“Shush. I’m fixing your makeup.”

 You found the foundation he had been using and dabbed it on top of the eyeliner and mascara that was starting to blur underneath his eyes, and then found the brush he had been using and added a new swirl of pink on his lower lash line. You inspected his face for another minute, trying to see if anything else needed tweaking.

The makeup bag was heavy in your hands, and a distant part of your mind thought about if only Asmo was here, maybe Levi would be more confident.

But there was no time for that. And besides, Levi seemed pretty adept at makeup himself, based on what he had done before you walked in, and all the products in the bag seemed to be his own as well. If you didn’t think that before, well, the obvious Ruri-chan collaboration branding on all the products solidified it.

“Alright. We’re going out! We’ll be back late! Don’t wait up!” You called to the others, mainly to Lucifer, as you took Levi’s hand and opened the front door. You saw the eldest lift his hand in brisque acknowledgment, but you didn’t miss the smile that was pulling at his lips from just over the newspaper.

You and Levi walked through the snowfall, hurrying across town to the theater where the premiere would be happening. Levi was still panicking, begging for you to take a cab because of all the normies staring at the two of you, but traffic was terrible right now and-

You turned to him with your hands on your hips, clicking your tongue as you looked him up and down.

“Do you really want to wrinkle your dress before we get there?”

“H-huh?”

“If we go in a car your cosplay is going to be ruined! R-u-i-n-e-d. You hear me? You worked so hard on this, we want it to look perfect when we get to the theater in case people want to take pictures or something, don’t we? Now come on.”

You grabbed Levi’s hand again, but when you moved forward, he stalled, jolting you to a stop. He was standing there with his mouth agape slightly.

“What?”

“It’s just… You…” His mouth floundered over the words as he seemed caught in a daze looking at you, until…

“Asmo’s really rubbed off on you, huh?”

You swore you had been knocked off your feet.

You blamed it on the lighting. The damn snowfall, the warm glow of the streetlight, the atmosphere was all too alike some drama or something you had seen on tv. Levi’s smile was radiant, bigger than it had been in a while, his eyes shut and crinkled at the edges as he held the Ruri-chan wand clasped between his hands, and he just kept smiling. Damn, you were faithful to Mammon, but this feeling was different, was so overpowering, so kind and warm-

You smiled back, and slowly reached your hand out to retwine your fingers with his.

“He’s really done a number on me, hasn’t he? Now, come on. I want to show you off already.”

“Show me off?”

“Yes you big goof. You made the entire costume didn’t you? We have to show them who the ultimate fan is.”

**

Around three in the morning, the front door creaked open, sending a crack of light cutting across the apartment, and two figures slinked inside the darkness, their shadows swaying in the light across the floor. One of them guided the other towards the couch, where they collapsed in a heap while the other moved to the kitchen. The door was shut now, bathing them both in darkness, but even if their roles were reversed, they both knew the layout of their home by heart.

Leviathan brought two cups of hot chocolate back to the couch, stopping and glancing over the cups as he regarded you. Curled across the cushions again, your fingers were still holding onto some polaroid print outs you had been developing while waiting for him. Levi set the cups down and then picked one of them from your hand, smiling down at the selfie the two of you had taken before the premiere, blurry as you were running to get in line, but both of you still threw up peace signs, although only your eyes and up were visible in the shot, Levi more in frame as he was running somewhat behind.

He carefully removed the wig, sliding his fingers under the sides by his ears, finding which way the bobby pins were in and pushing the wig down and then up, carefully unclipping the pigtails and setting them aside (they would be a nightmare to untangle but he would worry about that later) before he knelt down in front of you. Your eyes were shut, and your chest rose and fell gently with each breath. He took the other polaroid from your hand and smiled at it before setting them both down on the coffee table. Then, he took your hand in his and whispered.

“Thank you.”

**

The next morning was back to work. And you were kind of regretting going on so late with Levi, as your headache from yesterday was back with an even stronger vengeance. Levi was no doubt accustomed to all these late nights, but you only had the endurance of a college student. The only blessing you had was that since it was the 24th, the Celestial Corporation was on their holiday, which meant you didn’t have to film anything today. Instead, you and Levi were in charge of managing the editing team as you began to work on piecing together the early episodes of the web series.

It should have been a simple day, it should have been easy on your eyes and your pulsing skull. Lowlights in one of the computer labs as you just let the editors do their thing, Asmo taking pity on you and deciding not to bother you while he went back to preparing for his collection. However, Mammon was either as oblivious as his brothers teased him to be or he just did not care, because it was the fifth time in the past hour he had snuck away from his desk to try and-

“Mammon! What are you doing here?” Lucifer had taken to guarding your door, waiting for the second eldest to slink back here.

“L-Luce! Come on, not you too!”

“MC is busy with a very important project for Lord Diavolo, as you should know. And shouldn’t you also be finishing up your end of year reports if you don’t want to ring in the new year locked in the building.”

“Come on, Luce! Please, just hear me out-”

As if sensing your pounding headache, Lucifer stepped outside and closed the door behind him.

**

Mammon and Lucifer must have talked, because towards the end of the day, Lucifer showed up in your doorway looking… fidgety?

“Is something the matter?”

He cleared his throat, and hid his expression behind his hand, “I would like to apologize for Mammon’s behavior earlier today.”

“It’s okay. Did he finish his reports?”

“Ahem. He will, however I have allowed him to leave early today.”

“Oh. That’s a surprise.”

“Yes, well. He will accompany you home. You are dismissed.”

And Lucifer staggered out of the office then. Something was up. He was like a robot. Or maybe the relief of the upcoming holidays had finally kick-started his body into shutdown mode, knowing he could relax for even a day. Just as your door closed, two things happened then. A text on your phone, and the door swinging open again.

“Uh, hey, MC.”

It was Mammon.

“Hi?” You crossed your arms and stood up, leaning against the front desk of the computer lab, “What’s been with you all day?”

“Uh… Nothing. Do you still have a headache?”

Hm. Well, points for noticing that. “It’s mostly gone now. I probably just need some more sleep.”

“Ah. I see. Then… ah, nevermind. You probably want to sleep, you just said so yourself. Come on, let’s go home-”

“Mammon, wait,” you stepped forward and grabbed his arm before he could rush out the door, “You’ve been acting weird all day. You don’t get to blow me off like that. Something is up. Tell me.”

“Argh. I wanted to do it smoother than this.”

“Well, you can’t. So just tell me.”

You let go of him, and he pivoted back to face you. He was standing stiff, arms at his side, and looking down at his feet. He seemed nervous, his mouth fighting itself to settle on an expression.

“It’s just… you know what today is, right?”

“Christmas Eve?”

“Yeah, and… do you know what that means?”

“Tomorrow’s Christmas?”

“Yes- but- well- argh!”

“Mammon. Just tell me.”

The man was silent, and you watched color bloom across his face, his skin darkening with warmth as he fought off his embarrassment.

“Well, in this city… they consider Christmas a l-lover’s day, is all… and I was thinking-”

Oh. You weren’t expecting that.

“I didn’t know if you wanted to go out tonight. You’ve been really busy, and then you weren’t feeling well so I was thinking even doing something small together would be fine. But-”

You leaned forward and pressed a kiss on his cheek, shutting him up.

“That’s sweet of you to think of me. Thank you.”

“Uh. You’re welc-”

“But, Asmo texted me. He wants me to stop by tonight.”

Mammon’s face fell.

“Argh! That idiot! It’s bad enough that he has you in his department, now he wants to take all your free time too?”

“Mammon, it’s fine. I’ll just stop by. You can come with me. And besides, does lover’s day only have to be on Christmas Eve? Can’t we do something tomorrow too?”

“But, Lucifer only gave me-”

“It’s fine,” The door opened again, and Lucifer re-entered, “Mammon, just finish your reports when you finish them. I won’t keep you tonight or tomorrow, or on New Year’s for that matter.”

“What? Really?!”

You noticed Lucifer’s posture was different. If he was listening outside the whole time, then he heard you mention Asmo. He had a far off look in his eyes, and he pursed his lips as he mulled over what to say next.

“Do you… not want me to stop by tonight?”

“Wha- no, no. That’s not it. I-” He sighed and covered his face with his hand. Uncharacteristically lax for him, especially while still at the office. Mammon relaxed too, moving closer to his brother with worry on his face, “I apologize. I don’t intend to put you on the spot, but if you are going over there anyway, could I ask you to deliver something to him?”

“Sure? What is it?”

Lucifer reached inside his coat pocket and, with shaking hands you noticed, produced an envelope. A card of sorts.

“A gift. For Christmas. Since I don’t expect him to be home to receive it, and it would be wrong to give him something this personal during work hours.”

“Personal? So it’s not the bonus checks?”

Lucifer frowned at Mammon, “No. And even though I am giving you a pass for the holidays, it is still being discussed whether your performance this year warrants a bonus at all.”

“Hey!”

“I’ll deliver it,” You reached out to take the envelope from his hand, “I’m sure Asmo will be happy.”

“Thank you,” Lucifer had the smallest smile on his face. It was weak, but not marred by his normal serious facade. It was genuine, but it was all he could muster. Even Mammon had gone silent, and seemed to be thinking something over. You turned to him to try and cheer him up.

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you too. We’ll just stop by, and I’m sure there will be time for us to do something afterwards. Okay?”

“Okay,” he grumbled, returning to his usual self, “But hurry up. Get your coat, let’s get going already.”

**

The walk to Solomon’s apartment was rather quiet. Mammon didn’t know the way, so he followed you the whole time. The wind was brisk, but it wasn’t enough to buffet you back. Still, you pulled your coat around you tighter, and only smiled when Mammon stopped to wrap his scarf around your neck.

You took the elevator to the familiar apartment. You texted Asmo that you would be up in a minute, and so when you got to the door, you only knocked once before it was pulled open, revealing Solomon’s smiling face.

“MC! Thank you so much for coming!”

“It’s nothing. I feel bad that I didn’t give Asmo enough attention today. I had a headache, so-”

As you stepped through the threshold, you saw Solomon’s eyes drift behind you, noticing Mammon’s presence.

“Ah, I’m sorry. I forgot to mention that Mammon was accompanying me. Is it okay if he comes in?”

“Of course,” Solomon said, smile never faltering. He stepped aside and gestured for you both to step inside, “I’m sure Asmo will be delighted to see one of his brothers.”

“We won’t be long, I promise. What did Asmo want me to come over for anyway?”

“He wanted to give you a gift. We do have some snacks set out though if you want.”

“Are you having a party?”

“Nah, just for us,” Solomon popped a cube of cheese in his mouth, “Although we’ll probably vlog and use it for some content of sorts. Here, sit down. Let me go get Asmo.”

Solomon left the room, leaving you and Mammon on the couch with the charcuterie board. Mammon was still silent, but he was leaning with his arms over the back of the couch, his head rolling as he sized up the place. You searched for the envelope in your bag, finding it just as Asmo’s singsong voice sounded.

“Darling~! Oh thank you for stopping by! I know it’s out of your way, but I simply had to-”

He had run into the room and immediately rushed you in a hug before you could fully stand up. You barely saw his outfit, only a flurry of fabrics of purple and pink and fuzzy textures in your vision before his arms wrapped around you. When he pulled back, you saw his face decorated in makeup, including little stars and glitter over his blush. His golden eyes were accentuated by the shimmering eyeshadow he had on, and you watched those golden eyes go from happiness to confusion when they spotted the person behind you.

Asmo pulled away, his arms falling to his sides as he went silent. Mammon stood up and just stared at his brother, and you felt their gazes boring into you, so you looked to Solomon for support. He was standing back, watching with an unreadable expression. You fumbled with the envelope.

“Oh, sorry. Mammon was walking me home. We won’t stay too long. Why did you want me to come over?’

That seemed to snap him out of it, at least enough to slip his mask on, “Oh, yes! I have a gift for you!” He turned to Solomon and took several shopping bags from his lover’s arm, moving to hand them off to you, “Here!”

You nearly dropped the bags as their string handles slipped into your hands, “You said a gift! This is plural!”

Asmo laughed, “Well I just couldn’t decide! Consider it your new wardrobe for spring! But not for the fashion show. I’ll custom make your outfit for that!”

“Will you have time for that? You really don’t have to-”

“MC.”

Mammon took the bags from you, but he kept his gaze leveled on his brother, “The card.”

“O-oh. That’s right,” You fumbled again with the item in your hands, flipping it over twice before handing it to Asmo, “Uh, this isn’t from me. I’m sorry, I didn’t think to get you a gift, but I’ll make time to hang out with you or buy you something you want in the future or-”

“Honey, you making the show for me was already my gift. Don’t worry about it.”

Asmo turned the envelope over in his hands as well, looking over his name written elegantly in cursive on the front, and the wax seal on the back. He traced his fingers over the indent on the wax, his eyes half lidded as he recognized it.

“This is from Lucifer, isn’t it?”

“Yes. He asked me to deliver it.”

“What, is it my bonus?” He laughed, but it was airy. Fake, “He could’ve just dropped this on my desk. No need to rope you into it-”

Asmo lifted his arm, tilting the envelope carelessly as he held it loosely between his two fingers. He could be throwing it, or motioning to toss it aside in a moment’s notice without even opening it. You didn’t like the look in his eyes, so distant, the way his smile was too wide, his lips twitching to control his expression into one of indifference, of false amusement, of-

“Asmo,” Mammon pushed past you, dropping the bags on the ground, and stepped right in front of his brother. He raised his arm and rested his fist on his brother’s chest, making the other lean back in surprise.

“W-What do you want?”

“Lucifer took the time to write that. Read it. I mean really read it. I don’t know what's inside but-” Mammon looked away, biting his tongue for a moment, “Look, if Lucifer decided to still be a dick then I get it, but I don’t think he wrote another tirade or scolding in there. It might seem like that at first, but you know him- I know him- better than anyone. I know you can read between the lines to figure out what he means, if he decides to still be a pompous bitch about expressing it.”

“What’s this all about?” Asmo rolled his eyes, and Mammon opened his palm against his chest, sinking his fingers into the fabric of his shirt.

“Come home, Asmo. Please.”

Asmo was silent.

“Not just for us. I mean, I want you home. And so does Levi, and Satan, and the twins. It’s not the same without you. We all miss you. But, for yourself too. Staying away, running away, it’s hurting you too, I know it is.”

Asmo pushed Mammon off of him.

“I’m not running away. I came here because I’m done running away-”

“Sure, keep telling yourself that.”

“Mammon.” You warned, but he continued.

“No, MC! He needs to hear this! I get the whole ‘not hiding anymore’ thing, Az, I do. But listen, you’re still running. You’re running on fumes and leaving messes in your wake. Getting outsiders caught up in this,” He jerked his head towards you, and you flinched when Asmo’s gaze met yours, melting with realization and hurt, “running everyone ragged because they don’t fully understand. They can’t fully understand! They’ll never fully know what we went through.”

“Then what am I supposed to do? When the people who went through it don’t even want to talk about it with-”

Mammon grabbed the envelope and waved it in front of his face, “This. This is them trying to talk about it. Just like how for you it's making videos and posting on Devilgram. And for me? This is me talking about it. You may not like it, but if you want to talk about this, you’ll have to accept that we all are processing differently, taking steps differently. And we can’t take a step forward together if you keep running on ahead, okay?”

Asmo was silent. Solomon was still in the background, but when Asmo turned to him nervously, looking for reassurance, he was shocked to see the small smile on his lover’s face.

“Not you too-”

“I think it’s worth considering,” Solomon shrugged, “It would be a shame to throw away the letter without giving it a cursory glance, at least.”

Mammon drew Asmo’s attention back to him, handing him back the letter. Then he surged forward, wrapping him in a hug.

You saw Mammon’s arms come up and brush Asmo’s hair, pulling his brother in closer as he mumbled-

“This is a family problem, right? So it's up to the family to solve it, got it?”

Asmo didn’t respond. Mammon pulled away after a second and then turned around, scrubbing his eyes with the back of his arm before moving to grab the bags on the floor.

“Come on, MC. Let’s go.”

“Oh. Okay. Uh, thank you for the gifts, Asmo. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

The two of you moved towards the door, tripping over yourselves, when-

“Wait.”

You turned around and watched as Asmo slowly opened the envelope, unfolding the card and tucking the envelope behind it as he began to read it over. It took a minute, and you were terrified of the letters on the page until-

“Solomon. Pack up the charcuterie. Get your coat.”

Mammon gasped next to you, and you saw his eyes glossy and wet as he stared in disbelief at his brother. Asmo didn’t raise his gaze, but he smiled down at the card.

"I can't wait to see the look on their faces."

**

You and Mammon opened the door to the penthouse and called for the others. It took some  shouting, and Mammon running down the hall to bang on all the doors, and a few of them came grumbling, but it was worth it to see their faces when you stepped back to reveal-

Beel was the first to move, tackling Asmodeus before dissolving into blubbering tears. He slammed into his brother with such force that Asmo’s feet slipped off the floor but it was Beel’s strong arms that kept him steady and upright.

You saw Asmo’s face as he slowly reached a hand up and patted the muscular arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry, big guy. I won’t do it again.”

Levi dropped his game system on the floor, nearly shattering, but he ignored it and rushed in to join the hug, also crying. Belphegor was next, and he shuffled his feet quickly to meet everyone at the threshold. You wouldn’t have expected tears from him, but he was smiling, and he showed his younger sibling-ness by being equally clingy and tugging on Asmo’s sleeve to get his attention.

Then came Satan, who moved close, but waited for the others to stop swarming Asmo before greeting him. Although he didn’t initiate, Asmo did, and glomped his brother, nearly knocking him backwards.

“Oh how I’ve missed you! Look at you!” He smushed Satan’s cheeks together, pulling at the skin, “Look what finals did to you! My gift to you will be a full spa treatment to get rid of those dark circles!” He then pointed towards you, “That includes you too!”

You moved to welcome Solomon into the room as well, and the brothers were more properly introduced to him. Although they had observed your meetings with him, the formalities were shed and when the man called himself Asmo’s boyfriend, there were hands shaking and claps on the back all around.

That just left…

Lucifer stood at the end of the hall that led to his office and the bedrooms, and had been watching the reunion silently. His arms folded, he did not react when the group turned to him and waited anxiously. You didn’t know what had been in that letter, you did not want to breach their privacy (anymore than you had already done), but since Asmo decided to come home, you had hoped it was something honest. Plus, there was what Mammon had said. So surely…?

Asmo smiled and walked languidly towards the eldest. He folded his arms behind his back, and took long steps that made him bounce cheerfully. It was teasing, exaggerated, but it was calculated. When he got close, there was no hug, no open arms. Asmo merely stopped in front of his brother and craned his head up to look at him.

“I’m back.”

“Welcome home.”

And that was all that was said. But Lucifer then swiftly moved to the kitchen, where he moved to set the table for two more seats.

Well, it was a start. Or so you thought, but Lucifer’s cool behavior did not seem to put a damper on the evening, as the brothers broke out the New Year’s champagne early, and partied and laughed for Asmo’s return. Although you and Mammon did not get to have your date, you sat next to him on the couch and he threw an arm around you as you watched the shenanigans- such as Levi and Asmo battling it out in racing games- and you promised him that you would do something tomorrow.

Eventually, you all passed out. Lucifer had somehow prepared a huge feast for Asmo’s return despite the short notice, and it had knocked all of you out. Mammon and you were lucky to be on a couch when it happened, but when you came to in the middle of the night, you saw the others- Levi, Belphie, and Beel- not so lucky as they were piled on top of each other on the floor. Although maybe they were lucky, since Beel was probably a heater himself, and someone had been kind enough to put blankets on all of you. Satan was taking up an entire couch by himself, as whoever was sharing it with him must have vacated it. You didn’t see any sign of Solomon, and when you sat up and saw the clock on the television display 2:07 AM you figured he must have gone home at some point. But did Asmo-?

You pushed yourself off the cushions, sitting up and rubbing your eyes while you tried to be careful to not jostle Mammon awake. You gained your bearings, trying to figure out what had been to wake you. You didn’t particularly have to go to the bathroom, so what did-

“Thank you.”

You flinched and ducked below the couch, not wanting to draw attention to yourself. The voices were coming from the kitchen area, and you could see a small yellow light breaking up the cool blue of the moonlight from the back door. You slowly peeked over the couch to watch.

Asmodeus laughed behind his hand, and paused making something- a drink, probably not coffee, it was too late (unless it was for Lucifer of course, but that was a bad decision, and you winced as you thought about how that man was probably developing ulcers). Lucifer meanwhile, was undistracted, focused solely on his younger brother.

“I mean it, thank you.”

“You really don’t have to, Luce. It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. I- I missed you.”

Asmo laughed again, “You don’t have to force yourself. I know what’s going through your head. I always do,” he poked him in between the eyebrows.

“I should have greeted you better when you first came home. I was just… overwhelmed.”

“I know, dummy. I read your letter. Don’t worry. You got through to me.”

Lucifer’s hands moved. He started to lift them, and you saw them shaking. His breath was stuttering too. He seemed nervous, on edge, vulnerable. The light cast shadows across his face that he worked so hard to hide, his own stress and dark circles and guilt eating away at his looks.

“I was… I was so worried. So scared. When you left. And then. When I heard about what happened on set, I-”

“It’s okay, Luce. Like I said. I know what’s going on in your head. You don’t have to voice it. I know it’s especially hard for you. Since I still don’t even know the whole story. But-”

He turned to Lucifer and held out the mug.

“That’s why I did what I did. I was the one to voice it. I was the only one who could. I had to be the one to get the ball rolling.”

Lucifer surged forward and pulled Asmodeus into a hug. It was tighter than the one Beel had wrapped him in earlier. Lucifer was curling around him, protecting him. The shadows wrapped around them like wings, embracing Asmodeus entirely.

“But you shouldn’t have to bear that burden. You shouldn’t have to be the one to do it alone.”

Asmodeus didn’t say anything. You looked away and moved to lay back down next to Mammon. The last thing you heard was:

“Please stay. I can’t bear-”

“Don’t worry. I will. I’m sorry I was gone.”

**

In the morning, you surprised all the sleepyheads and hangover brains with breakfast. Despite the circumstances, Lucifer was still insisting everyone go in since it wasn’t the holiday for the office yet. Your tasks at work today were the reverse of yesterday. Instead of everyone being kind to your migraine, you made rounds to the different departments, making sure all of your housemates were taken care of and surviving. Diavolo seemed sympathetic to the situation, learning of Asmo’s return, and let everyone leave early. You were called to his office to be the messenger to deliver the news.

“By the way, MC,” Diavolo said from behind his desk, “Are you free on the 27th?”

“The 27th? Why?”

“Milord presumed you would have plans tonight, as it is still the lover’s holiday-” you choked on your tea as Barbatos spoke, the knowing gaze of both men making you flushed.

“And I assumed the other brothers would be vying for your attention the day after, so I thought the 27th would be an odd enough date that you might not have any plans yet.”

“I… guess that makes sense,” You were surprised he had put that much thought into it, “I know I’m going to eventually do something with Satan over our winter break, but we haven’t made plans yet. So, I think I’m free on the 27th.”

“Good. Then, would you like to join me for dinner that evening?”

“Huh? Uh, what?”

“Of course, if you find out you do have plans that day, we can easily reschedule.”

'No, it’s not that, just- What do you mean by dinner?’

“What do I mean?” He smiled behind his folded hands, “What do you think I mean?”

“It’s just that… whatever you have planned might be out of my price range-”

“Ah, I should have been more clear. This would be my treat. It would be a thank you for all the work you’ve done these past few months.”

“Of course, the place Milord has picked out is upscale, so maybe you should have Asmodeus help dress you. Just as a fair warning,” Barbatos leaned over the chair you were seated in, his gloved hands close to your shoulder as they pressed down on the back cushion. It was the most casual you had ever seen him act around you, act in front of Diavolo. Still, it wasn’t the first time he had gotten this close to you. Your heart stirred a little as you glanced at his gloved hands, remembering him coming to your rescue that night in the park.

“I would say we are both looking forward to spending time with you!” Diavolo gave a hearty laugh, “I do hope you won’t disappoint us.”

“Wait, Barbatos will be joining us too?”

You turned around to face the butler. He was unphased, “Of course. Unless you would prefer-”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” you waved your hands to clear up the misunderstanding, “I just thought I would get to try your cooking again. I thought that was all Diavolo ever ate, it didn’t fully click in my head until now that we would be eating at a restaurant-restaurant.”

“Do you hear that, Barbatos?” Diavolo was laughing even heartier now. Barbatos smiled at you, and gave a small bow.

“I am happy to hear you think that highly of my cooking.”

“I do! It’s five stars!”

“Barbatos is my trusted employee and I would be nothing without him, however, I must do without him at times,” Diavolo sighed dramatically and rested his head on his fist as he watched the two of you, “And to repay him for all his hard work, I do like to treat him as well.”

“It just so happened that we both wanted time to spend with you. We knew you were short on time, and so our interests happened to align,” Barbatos circled around to sit in the chair beside you.

“You will join us, won’t you?”

The two men were practically batting their eyelashes at you, or at least it felt like, with their smarmy smiles and enamored glances. You had no choice but to say yes, and when you finally left them, you sighed in relief.

Barbatos escorted you out of the office, but motioned for you to lean in once you were at the elevators.

“I’m flattered by your words. If you find yourself with more free time, I would welcome the chance to personally spoil you with my cooking.”

It was illegal for your heart to have to put up with this many handsome guys.

The elevator door opened, and you stiffly moved inside, giving Barbatos a cursory wave before he disappeared from view. You tried to calm yourself before you reached the lobby, and when the doors finally opened, your eyes landed on a head of white hair standing near the glass doors as snow fell behind the pane.

Well, they would have to keep trying, because in the end you only had room in your heart for one.

“Yo, MC!” Mammon waved as you approached. You hurried to meet him. Tonight was his night, afterall.

**

You woke up the next morning to knocking on your door. Through bleary eyes, you grabbed your phone to check the time, and saw it was only nine. Who would-

“Coming in now! We’re covering our eyes though so if you’re not dressed you still have five seconds to-”

The exaggerated, teasing tone was reminiscent of Asmo but too nasally and low to be him. You recognized it as Belphie, when he was in a good mood, which was rare. You sat up as the door broke open to reveal Belphie and Beel, and true to their word the two walked in with their hand in front of their faces and looking away, but you were in pajamas, so it was fine. You sat up and swung your legs over the side of the bed and looked up at them as you rubbed crust out of your eyes.

“It’s fine. I’m dressed. What do you want?”

“Are you doing anything today?” Beelzebub asked. You reached for your phone again.

“Uh, what day is it? Saturday?” You looked at the calendar app, seeing the 26th back at you. Tomorrow was dinner. “Uh, no. I’m free. Why?”

“Come shopping with us.”

“Shopping?” No offense, but last time I did that with you guys, it ended really badly. You remembered Beel’s crying face and Belphie’s scowl. Why did they want to go out with you again? Well, Beel, you understood. But why Belphie-?

“There’s a cool market that pops up before New Year’s. There’s a lot of cool artist shops, and also food trucks,” Belphie pointed at Beel, “I need someone to help me supervise him.”

Ah, so that was it. Well, you could work with that.

You rolled your shoulders and popped your joints, “Okay, just let me get dressed and-”

“Also, I want to thank you for getting Asmo to come back.”

You opened your eyes and looked at Belphie. He had his hands in the pockets of his jacket, put his beanie was helping him hide even more of his face than his hair already did, but you could see the frown fighting to stay on his face along with the flush of embarrassment.

Belphie had acted rather baby-ish when Asmo returned, sticking to his side and clinging to him, which was a side of him you had never really seen before. Around the other brothers, he was obviously the youngest, but he was aloof and sarcastic, and seemed empty and missing entirely if he was not stuck to Beel’s side. But, you knew that he and Beel, being the youngest, had it the roughest.

“You’re welcome,” You said, standing up and deciding to take a risk. You walked forward and wrapped an arm around both of the boys in front of you, figuring that Belphie wouldn’t lash out if you were only hugging him half-way. You felt him stiffen for a moment, but Beel accepted your embrace easily, and soon, Belphie relented and accepted it as well.

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes. Wait outside, okay?”

“We can get breakfast on the way. I have enough money to cover you even if Beel takes out two entire trucks.”

Once the boys were gone, you turned back to the lump hiding under your blankets.

“I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Mhm,” Mammon grumbled in response.

Belphie was not lying about the market. It was a beautiful little place made more beautiful by the glowing, warm lights that hung from post to post, even in the daytime. The snow on the ground made the scene beautiful without being terrible cold, still you and Belphie stuck close to Beelzebub who acted as your personal heater. While a lot of your morning ended up sampling the different food trucks as Beel’s eyes were certainly not bigger than his mouth, you did have time to browse the wares from the small business booths that lined the rest of the bazaar.

What surprised you even more was Belphie caught you eyeing some jewelry at one stall, and pulled out his wallet.

“Do you like that one?”

“Yeah. Look at how the light hits it,” You held up the piece and let it spin, reflecting all the colors bouncing off the snow and the white tents, “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“...Yeah. Excuse me,” he turned to the owner, “We’d like to buy this one please. Here-” He started to fish through the several bills in his wallet.

“Belphie, wait! You don’t have to.”

“I said I would thank you for bringing Asmo home. This is part of it. I didn’t give you anything on Christmas anyway, so consider this a thank you.”

He nudged your hand away when you tried to stop him from pulling out the money. He gave them to the owner and had them box up the gift.

“Besides,” Belphie handed you the box, “Not just for Asmo. For Beel. And everything else since I met you.”

You looked at him strangely, “I hardly think I’ve done anything that-”

“You have.”

He shoved the box into your hands more forcibly, his one eye looking at you with something… strange.

“Now let’s find Beel. If we’re not careful, he’ll destroy another truck,” he sighed. Dramatic, he strolled away, but you were left staring after him for a moment. Your fingers flexed around the small box, remembering the force he shoved it at you with. The force with which he nudged your hand away, that it was almost a slap. The brothers had strength despite their appearances, you had learned that long ago, but something about Belphie’s behavior was still off, still not adding up.

You were certain he was thankful for Asmo being back home. But you couldn’t say you were close with him yet.

**

“Asmo, I need your help,” you approached him once you were back home. He was lounging on the couch, with Levi and Satan sitting on either side. Beel and Belphie, after dropping their shoes off and placing the takeout bags on the kitchen counters, also moved to the couches. Everyone was being pulled to Asmo like a magnet since his return. It had only been two days, and even though they had seen him at work, the relief they all felt was obvious. The fact that Beel was going to him over the food he had just brought home said volumes. You felt bad to take him away, even for a moment.

“Anything for my lovely assistant!”

“Well, I was wondering if you could help me style an outfit before tomorrow night?”

“Oh? I thought you already went out with Mammon~”

“This is-” You felt nervous because of the others’ eyes on you now, “Diavolo and Barbatos invited me to dinner. They said it would be upscale. Barbatos was the one who suggested I talk to you.”

Lucifer had come down the hall coincidentally, and stopped and stared at you.

“Diavolo invited you?” He seemed surprised. No, wary?

“He said it was just to thank me for my work so far. That’s all!” You tried to assuage his concerns.

“Well then, that obviously calls for a stylist’s work!” Asmo clapped his hands together and stood up, “Thank goodness you told me now and not tomorrow morning! Let’s get to work right away.”

Asmo started to march you towards your room. Lucifer stepped in your way.

“Where are they taking you? What time? How long will you be gone-”

“What are you, their dad, Luce?” Levi shouted from the couch. Lucifer’s eye twitched, and he folded his arms.

“They didn’t tell me. I texted them earlier today to confirm, I’m sure they’ll get back to me soon.”

“They?”

“Barbatos is also a guest. Not working.”

“Oh, then we have to dress you up extra special if it’s his day off too!” Asmo pushed you further down the hall. As the door closed, you heard one of the brothers yell-

“Don’t dress them too nice or Mammon will be jealous!”

**

Around six p.m. on the 27th, Barbatos and Diavolo came to the apartment door to escort you. It felt a little silly, like they were coming to ask Lucifer for permission. The man in question was standing behind you in the entranceway, tapping his foot, and looking anxious as Diavolo stepped inside and clapped him on the back, promising to take good care of you.

“It’s just dinner, my good friend! Don’t worry, you’ll get your turn in a few days' time,” he then leaned in and whispered, poorly since you could still hear him, to Lucifer, “This is mainly a treat I arranged for Barbatos’ sake.”

“MC and I do not get many opportunities to talk besides work,” Barbatos smiled at you. He was out of his uniform, but wearing a gray suit with a teal overcoat, “I admit, I am a bit jealous of the seven of you who get so much of their time.”

“As am I,” Diavolo laughed. He was dressed in a black suit with a red vest, and his coat- or was it more of a cape- had fur trimming. You were sure it must be real fur, “Now, come along, MC. As much as I would love to stay and chat with everyone, we do have reservations!”

Lucifer still looked a little off, so before you walked out the door after them, you turned to him and asked outright.

“Is something wrong?”

“No.” He immediately said, but at your continued stare, he shut his eyes and sighed, “I just do not want you to exhaust yourself. You’re still recovering from your finals and… other stressors.”

His eyes were nervous, flickering from your face to looking away at some corner of the room. You felt strange. You were flattered that he was worried about you, and it was not the first time he had shown such concern for you, but… so publicly, especially in front of Diavolo? He must be feeling rather relieved and thankful from you returning Asmo home.

“Thank you for worrying about me,” you said, reaching out and patting his arm, which made his eyes shoot back to you. You thought he was going to flinch or pull away, but he resisted and remained still, “But I promise I’ll be okay. I’ve been sleeping, for one. And, if it makes you feel more at ease, I promise I’ll text at least one of you tonight if anything happens. Alright?”

“...Very well.”

“Alright then. I’ll be back later.”

Barbatos and Diavolo stood on either side of the door, framing your path as you stepped over the threshold and out into the hall. Lucifer watched as you made your way into the elevator, and you waved at him as the doors closed. Once downstairs, there was an expensive, black limo waiting for the three of you, and to your surprise, someone else was in the driver’s seat.

“You’re not driving today?” You asked Barbatos.

“It’s my day off, remember?” He said as he opened the door for you.

“If it’s your day off, then you shouldn’t be doing that either,” You moved to take the door from him, and dramatically gestured for him to enter first.

“Apologies, a force of habit,” he laughed.

Diavolo had you climb in next, and although the limo was spacious, you still felt seated “between” them. The car had cushy seats, and some colorful lights that pulsated softly throughout the interior. There was a minifridge, which Diavolo wasted no time opening to pop open a bottle to serve. Everything was already ritzy, and you had not even pulled away from the apartments yet.

“I must say, Asmodeus is truly an expert at his craft,” Barbatos eyed you up and down, and while you felt a little nervous, his gaze, nor Diavolo’s once he turned to look at you as well, was not lecherous at all.

“I must agree. You look wonderful. Thank you for joining us.”

“Thank you for having me,” you said awkwardly, shrugging before folding your hands and staring out the window. The two men were still smiling at you, but you weren’t quite sure what to say, “So, where are we eating tonight?”

“Oh, you will adore the place,” Diavolo took a sip of his glass and leaned forward, talking excitedly, “My father always took me here as a child. It’s very upscale, but the staff is wonderful and…”

**

“I still feel like an intern doesn’t deserve all this treatment,” you said bashfully as you took a sip of your own glass before setting it back down on the table. You were in a beautiful room of marble and Greek columns, with a dome in the ceiling decorated with a piece meant to rival the famous frescos. The wait staff did everything here, pulled the chairs out and folded and unfolded your napkins, and remained on standby for the moment your glass got a drop less full to refill it. At first, it was a bit overwhelming, but the smiles and reassurances of your companions helped you relax.

“But you’re not just an intern,” Diavolo smiled at you from across the table again, “You’ve already gone above and beyond my expectations, MC.”

“Indeed.”

“It was the right choice to hire you.”

“Well, I guess it was just luck.”

“Luck?”

“That I got scouted. I would never have known about the internship otherwise. You knew that I was really clueless about the D.C. and C.C. when I applied, right?”

Diavolo and Barbatos glanced at each other, but Diavolo smiled and spoke first.

“Yes, but I believe I told you that made you an asset, didn’t it? You didn’t know of our status or fame, and so you were able to approach everything with a fresh perspective. I suppose I should find out who scouted you and give them my highest praise.”

“I wouldn’t call it luck, per se,” Barbatos added, “I believe it was more fate.”

“Fate?”

“Yes. Especially the way you’ve wormed your way into the brothers’ hearts, that is not the work of mere luck.”

“I agree. It would be luck if you were only someone skilled. But you are also kind, compassionate, and inquisitive. You go above and beyond what is expected of you. That is why it must be fate that you came to work for us.”

You smiled, but there was something in his statement that negged you. You had been riding on the high of Asmo polishing you up, the fancy treatment, the compliments, so it did not sink in before, but that word- inquisitive- it pierced something, cracking the mask of the scene- of their smiles. And then it made you think of Barbatos' line. Wormed your way into the brothers’ hearts…

“...And that is why tonight is a celebration of you,” Diavolo continued, from some statement you didn’t quite fully hear, “and of course, Barbatos,” Diavolo laughed behind his glass, a little drunk, “I do my best to take care of my own.”

“We must do what we can to take care of our own.”

You stood up suddenly, knees banging into the underneath of the table and sending your glass nearly knocking over. Diavolo looked at you curiously, but Barbatos was more perceptive, less under the cloud of alcohol. He noticed the allure of the night had shattered, he probably saw you shaking, your eyes burning with rage.

“MC?” Diavolo asked, “Is something the matter?”

You had forgotten. You had been so overwhelmed with Asmo, the project, the production, that you had forgotten weeks ago. Forgot what had happened when you were just entering Beel’s department. Forgot all the frustration you felt from the cold gazes, the smug, secretive smirks the two shared when you were in their office months ago, demanding what was going on with your phone, your laptop, the whole city with information just missing.

Wormed your way into the brothers’ hearts? You wanted to laugh. These two manipulative- They hid information, yet dangled pieces in front of you to keep you just interested enough. Just enough to get you to work in a roundabout way. How could you forget?

Even this whole conversation. Luck? Fate? You bet there was more to the conversation here tonight too. Was this whole invite just another set up? Another way for them to-

“MC,” Barbatos tried again, “What’s wrong?”

“I’m leaving.”

“MC!”

You turned and started to storm out the way you had entered, but Barbatos moved quickly and caught your arm. You moved to shrug him off, but his grip was strong too. That’s right. Everyone is a fucking bodyguard around here. You glared at the waiters. Probably these guys too.

“MC, please, whatever is wrong- sit. Let us discuss it,” Barbatos said. You really wanted to shrug him off, but you knew it as fruitless, so you let him guide you back towards the table. You huffed, but refused to sit back down. Diavolo appeared to have sobered up a bit, because he was looking at you with concern. Was that also a farce too?

“I remembered something.”

“Something you had to do?” Diavolo cocked his head.

“No. Something you both did. Something I forgot because I’ve been so busy and exhausted lately. ‘Worming my way into the brothers’ hearts’ as you so put it.”

You crossed your arms, and suddenly you felt overwhelmed. They were both just looking up at you, innocently, and even though you knew they were anything but innocent, you felt stupid, and anxious, doing this in the middle of such a fancy place. For not just shutting up and enjoying the night. But how could you enjoy it if it was just another tactical move?

You rubbed the back of your hand across your eyes to brush away the tears you felt. Words from weeks ago were coming back to you, feelings you had fought with Asmo, Beel, Belphie, Levi, and Mammon. We take care of our own. At the time those words had meant to keep you out, keep you separate. Ostracize you from the brothers. But then Asmo had confided in you. Mammon had reassured you. You weren’t an outsider. You did belong. At least in the brothers’ lives.

You sniffled again, and looked up, trying to not let your tears ruin the makeup Asmo had done, but you had already wiped your face, so it was probably smudged anyway. You saw something black on the back of your hand, so that was that, and you felt the tears come faster with frustration at how stupid you were.

“MC, please, sit down-”

“You know,” you said, voice shaky and resigned, “I really wanted to enjoy tonight. But I don't know what the two of you want from me. What you are planning. What you want me to do. You obviously know everything I’ve been up to, so stop playing dumb. Stop acting like-”

“I also wanted to enjoy tonight,” Barbatos cut you off, his expression tense but… nervous? His lips pursed like they didn’t know what face to make, and his eyes looked to the ground before he gained enough confidence to look you directly in the eye.

Diavolo spoke to the servants, “Leave us for a moment.”

They left the room quickly. Barbatos continued.

“You are right. I do know what you’ve been up to. I work the security cameras. I keep tabs on all the employees. I’ve been watching Asmodeus very closely. I know about what he told you, and I know what the others have told you too. I also know how all of this- the brothers, Milord and I- have drained you.”

He grabbed you again, this time, your hand, but this time gently. He took the handkerchief from his pocket and wiped off the smudge, but when he was done he didn’t let go. He massaged your fingers as he spoke, almost like a nervous fidget, and it was then you realized Barbatos wasn’t wearing any gloves.

“I meant what I said about being jealous of the brothers, who get so much time to grow close to you. To fight and then learn to forgive and you learn to do the same with them. The last two times we spoke, I felt our relationship was tarnished. I wanted to fix it. To move forward.”

Barbatos continued to knead your hand, almost like he was pleading with you to forgive him. He looked so different, so vulnerable, compared to the version in your memory that had lied and played ignorant with a smile on his lips. You turned your angry gaze to Diavolo, who had been silent during this confession.

“And you?”

“I instructed Barbatos to act to keep the brothers’ history a secret from you, because that is all they have ever desired since that day. They’ve lived in fear, MC. I had to act to protect them. At the time, you were still an outsider in that regard to most of them. So, if we had to play the villains, then so be it.”

“But censoring information like that-”

“You have heard much of the story already, MC,” Diavolo sighed, “Your emotions right now are making you forget. Stop and think for a moment. It is not just me who would stand to gain from protecting that information.”

Barbatos let go of your hand. You took a breath, and did as he said. The C.C. was the one who faked their deaths, so it did make more sense for them to do that over Diavolo. And if both companies were working together because of some deal made then, all the more control they would.

“I’m sorry. You were right. I had forgotten about that,” You took a breath again, “Truthfully, it’s not the censorship I’m really mad about now. That’s just… one part of it. I don’t know who you both are. What you want from me. If this dinner is supposed to accomplish anything.”

“All we want- is to let you know the real us,” Diavolo and Barbatos looked at each other again, “It was my orders that made Barbatos the villain in your eyes, and this, is my apology. To both of you. I understand that before that incident, you two were on the path to becoming good friends. Or, at least, friendly co-workers.”

“Is that truly all this is?”

You wanted to believe it. You wanted to believe it so bad.

“Yes,” Diavolo said, “I still won’t give you information if you come to me for it. I’ve put it in the hands of the brothers now, and if the rest of them choose to tell you, then so be it. My job has always been to protect them, regardless of what they choose to do.”

“MC, please,” Barbatos was pleading. It was wrong. Your stomach twisted itself up in guilt. You sighed.

You finally sat back down.

“I… am sorry for ruining dinner.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. This is what tonight is for.”

“No, I ruined it. It’s okay. I’m sure there… was a million more mature ways for me to go about that without acting like that. I really don’t belong in a fancy place like this.”

“Then we’ll take you to a million more places like this until you feel comfortable,” Diavolo smiled, and signaled for the waiters to come back into the room, “Now, are we ready for dessert?”

You stared down at your lap and tried to steel yourself. Barbatos, still holding your hand, gave you a reassuring squeeze to draw your eyes up to him. He was smiling softly, and it made you feel a little bit better, like the night wasn’t completely ruined after all, but your eyes still stung.

**

After dinner, Diavolo had the driver drop you off a little ways away from the apartment so that you could walk off any of the mixed feelings still lingering. Barbatos was the only one who kept pace with you. Diavolo remained a few steps ahead each time.

“I hope you understand that… I was only doing my job at the time. I must act in accordance to what-”

“It’s fine, Barbatos. Really. Let’s just drop it. I’ve forgiven you already.”

“But you still are hostile to me.”

“It’s going to take some time, okay?”

“I apologize.”

Silence. Except for your footsteps. The silence was weird. Not off putting, but… familiar? The last time you had been with Barbatos like this was that night he had rescued you after you nearly froze to death from a dissociative episode.

You stopped walking.

“Thank you for rescuing me that one time… When I was in a bad mental state. I mean, I guess you probably knew what that was about too!” You laughed airly, and Barbatos frowned at your ill attempt at a joke, “But… Thank you. I probably would have frozen out there if it wasn’t for you.”

“The thanks should go to Lord Diavolo, for sending me. Or for the brothers, for alerting him to your abse-”

“But it was you who found me.”

Barbatos stopped walking and turned to face you.

“It was you who came to get me. Who knew what to say to get me to move again. So, the thanks goes to you.”

And with that, you took a step forward. A small one, but it was one that Barbatos followed after nonetheless.

**

The two men returned you to the apartment around nine. And although you did end up enjoying the meal, you were thankful when goodbyes were had. You closed the door and ran through the entryway to the living room where everyone still was, and practically threw yourself onto the couch on top of Asmo.

“Welcome back- oh Darling you look a mess! What happened?”

“I’m fine. Just tired, is all,” you said, burying your face in a pillow. You were thankful none of the men decided to push it, and were grounded by them all of them brushing a hand over your back or smoothing over your hair as they resumed whatever show they were watching or game they were playing. You even felt Lucifer’s hand, he was the one who chose to comb through your hair gently, and you could tell by his sigh that he was relieved you were home too.

[ficbrish]

Snippet Saturday

[10Feb2024]

This is from one of the posted one shots in my Kinktober collection.

"Before a Confession of Love"

snippet is mature, 18+

[Act II, before lock-in confession]

He despised her for making him laugh at that, “That’s it! You’ve finally earned a ban from my tent. Get out!”

Vistri protested, ribs weak, “No, please!”

“I said no more corny jokes.”

“It wasn’t my joke. It was Karlach’s! Ban her!” she whined.

“Now I may be cold-hearted, dear, but not enough to ban Mama K.”

“Okay, I take that back!” she laughed, “I take it back, but I want to stay!”

Astarion shifted at her words, suddenly serious again, “You do?”

Vistri leaned over to rest a hand on his knee, “Please understand, darling, I’m only saying this out loud because of the wine. But if you make me leave, I think it’ll break my heart.”

He smiled, watching her play the same game as he did.

“Cheap flattery may be my trick of choice, but it’ll get you nowhere with me. At least not tonight.”

“First! My flattery is never cheap—Sir! Secondly…”

Vistri took a deep breath and looked at Astarion as if she were trying to solve a puzzle. She reached out to touch his face, and then quickly took her hand away, “Secondly, I’m not quite sure if it counts as flattery in the first place.”

“Careful, darling,” he warned, “You’re in danger of making me think you were being genuine.”

“I don’t know. Maybe I was?”

Astarion stared at her in disbelief.

“Oh, come on! It’s not that hard to believe. We have fun together! And I don’t just mean that type of fun.”

Embarrassed by her admission, Vistri polished off her wine. Astarion didn’t say anything back, and it made her increasingly nervous.

And he wasn’t trying to make her nervous. He just had no idea what to say.

Which meant Vistri started talking again, “I like having you around—Being around you. Talking to you, drinking with you, fu—Astarion?”

The tears in his eyes that she’d worked so hard to drive away were back as if they’d never left.

“Fuck me, I’ve gone and said the wrong thing, haven’t I?”

Astarion made a disgusted noise over his tears, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Astarion,” she said, her heart breaking, “You’re just upset about something, is all.”

That really got him going. It wasn’t relief, it was overflow. His body tensed and trembled with the effort of pushing down whatever was being regurgitated. Vistri reached for his hand, grabbing it without thinking. She swallowed, feeling a sharp pain as she did. Her eyes welled up along with his. Astarion held her hand tight, as if it were his final tether.

She felt warm, wet streaks travel down her face, “I hate seeing you hurt.”

The way he wiped his eyes reminded her of a terrified child. She felt herself shake.

“Vistri?” Astarion’s question caught on the lump sticking his throat. She was… crying. But why?

She shut her eyes, trying to hide from him. Then she felt his big hand, warm on her cheek. Tentatively lifting her eyelids at his touch, she found an expression on Astarion’s face that devastated and tugged at her. It was woven with fear, agony, and above all, sheer disbelief. Shock.

“Why?” he asked.

She buried her face in his hand, “It hurts.”

Astarion pulled her close. His forehead pressed against hers. Their hearts beat together so rapidly.

He kissed the tears on her face. Asking, Why? Why were they there?

Possession brought their lips together. The hunger under it was much different from earlier. Before, they indulged. Now, they held desperately onto life. They could feel the hot tears flowing down both their cheeks as their faces pressed and rubbed and caressed each other. It turned possession into necessity.

Astarion rolled them onto the floor, still kissing her. Vistri gasped when her back hit it, even though he’d taken most of the impact on his arms. He ground against her as he crawled between her thighs, and she rocked her hips upwards to meet him with equal urgency.

Her fury was driven by the pangs from her powerlessness to comfort him. Every time the mask slipped and showed his real grief underneath, Vistri felt a full-bodied ache. Now he was reaching for her, asking for comfort in the only way she knew how to give. Finally, she was in her element. There was something she could do, and it left her feeling a full-bodied ache.

She gasped as he shoved her trousers down below her knees. He didn’t even take off his, just pulled himself out through the front of them. She moaned, feeling his silky skin press stiffly into hers.

They both cried out at his initial thrust. Astarion’s eyes, beaming with presence, consumed Vistri’s in their gaze. For once, she didn’t shy away as he searched for every part of her soul inside them. Through her dissipating tears, she smiled.

Then pushed Astarion onto his back, rolling over so she sat proudly on top. She let in his length, slowly, until he was all hers and it felt like his thickness would break her. She called out his name, her tone a shattered heart reaching out to his. Vistri rocked up and down; her gradual, deliberate movements causing strain in her thighs. The whole time, their eyes remained locked. Knees up and spread apart, Astarion added his own steady rhythm. His hands gripped her bottom like talons digging into prey.

Resting a hand on his chest, she leaned forward. Wanting to be closer, to hold him tighter, she looped his shoulders under her arms and pressed herself into him. She sighed his name again, like it was a dream, licking and nibbling along his ear. He gasped, and it turned into a moan while he squirmed under her.

Vistri kissed him. Astarion smirked.

He kissed her again, throwing his arms around her to take back the top. He loved her hard and fast, crashing deep. Vistri screamed as the sensations of him overwhelmed her.

Unable to care less if the others heard, he threw her legs over his shoulders to make her louder.

“Astarion!” she screamed his name like she was begging the gods for mercy while thanking them for salvation.

He showered her with ecstasy until the tears returned to her eyes. It wasn’t until her screaming dissolved into a kind of sobbing that Astarion let himself go too. Caressing her face and gazing deeply into her eyes, he spoke softly, “Die with me, Vistri.”

She nodded and cried out again, voice raw. A new kind of euphoria wracked through their bodies. It was that same ecstasy, familiar and unique to them, but with additional dimensions, and it possessed them completely until neither could see.

They made pathetic noises and shook.

Their movements gradually slowed.

They held each other for a long while without speaking.

Direct words were beyond their means. Sweet words between them were habitually vapid and wouldn’t ring true. It wasn't possible to say how they felt. They weren’t those types of people. 

[filthyloveforemesis]

The handsome gentleman with side part and elegant look here has more than one fever scenes and looks prone to illness... Always look forward to him passing out since the author won't go past that 😭😭 (Please dear author, ONE graphic emeto should suffice).

The catch here is

Sickness lasts for more than one day ( and gradually gets worse !!)

Two more people come down with fever after this

The pretty genius boy is talking about all three of them when he says they can't keep food down. Now since my native language isn't English, I always have to google these figure of speech stuffs for affirmation to feed my fantasy.... Just imagining how they must be feeling or what may be happening... Maybe all three of them tried to eat something mild at the same time and gagged and said they can't eat, or maybe the three of them had a completely different reaction. Maybe someone managed to swallow but the food immediately backtracked and he cupped his hands in front of his mouth to catch the regurgitated mess, maybe it didn't end there and he started gagging consecutively but since nothing was there in stomach, only saliva and those guttural burps with violent heaves came out, or maybe it was bile or small amount of water, maybe someone started vomiting just at the sight of it... While it's always nice to have contents readily given, it's always fun when things are left to imagination.... My only regret is never continuing my art lessons and I can't draw all of these down and see it for myself ugh 😭😭😭 Alright, enough rambling... Onto the next post from same manga 🎉 (Akatsuki no Yona)

[cringefailcabitha]

sorry i dont have tumblr (i only use it to stalk cabby art LOL) and idk if youll answer this but i am known as the cabby yapper by my friends so i wanted to bring this up to someone who thinks about her as deeply as me

do you ever like think about how terrifying mephones plan for a season 4 would have been to cabby specifically? out of all of the final 3 she has been hurt by the game the most (with no closure mind you unlike balloon), i think having to go through everything again would genuinely break her. even if shes less misunderstood the game still puts pressure onto her to be a facts machine, a strategist. when shes literally the kindest person ever, trying to comfort silver (despite his constant mistreatment of her), and sacrificing almost every post merge challenge for the sake of somebody else (i.e giving up her inani-mate for yinyang, sacrificing herself in episode 13 to put herself on the line with yinyang even if she was manipulating them out of obligation, AND EPISODE 15 SHE DEFINITELY WOULD HAVE WON IF SHE HAD USED HER FILES and completely foiling blueberrys plan, but she didnt because she cared about bot)

in the episode when shes reading the file, the screen actually starts shaking a little. implying she was absolutely horrified at what she was reading. and she had every single right, especially considering what shes gone through.

the other thing that’s absolutely insane to me is the fact that this information was conveyed to her via a file. aka her disability aid, something she relies on. that mustve been horrifying to see something so person to her used against her in such a way.

sorry i regurgitated a lot of this info from the shut i put on tiktok. im just genuinely crazy about cabby

ALSO UR A CABTUBE TRUTHER IM LITERALLY SO IN LOVE WITH CABTUBE i am lesbian cabbys number one truther and see her shipped with men far too much. but like i was so hoping test tube would at least apologize or something. it irritates me how they can make one sided silvercandle canon but they cant show us anymore one-sided cabtube. just make her blush or something. but tbh it made me emo when test tube (and pb bc they nodded) oraised cabby, it made me genuinely crazy.

also unshout out to everyone bullying cabby this episode genuinely why were half of them so mean please let silver Die slowly and painfully. also if lifering (i hc him and cabby as father and daughter, like u cannot convince me lifering and floory arent her dads) switched up on cabby i will personally take his soul like the grim reaper he will be seeing these hands.

sorry feel free to ignore this!

-🍭

😭 I was for real thinking about that earlier today like hasn’t she been through enough… Yes Cabby is a very competitive person but after everything that happened to her in this season and the fact that she’s Still in a vulnerable place right now I don’t think she would find it particularly enjoyable to not receive a prize and then immediately be thrust into a new season of competition— and as a team leader, no less.

Test Tube thanking her for apologising was,,, weird to me. I literally rolled my eyes. It gave me the impression that she (and Paintbrush) think Cabby *should* be apologising to everyone for making some of them uncomfortable? And I just don’t agree. As polite as it is, I think it’s way overstating her actions. Like… why is it “right” to apologise to the entire jury for her past behaviour making “some of them uncomfortable” pre episode 7 when she had never even worked with half of them when said behaviour was supposedly occurring? It’s so frustrating to me, like… how much smaller does she have to make herself for them to be satisfied? I don’t get it.

And of course, “making them uncomfortable” thing again comes back to her files. It’s basically impossible for her not to internalise the idea that keeping information is bad because she Might get things wrong (which. Is another thing. As far as we’ve seen, her writing is almost always correct, barring Bot which is an obvious outlier, and erroneously attributing Suitcase turning on her alliance in season 2 to Balloon’s manipulation.) In episode 15 too, aka the worst Test Tube episode to me, she says Cabby thinks everyone is just “what she happened to write down” as if Cabby is careless and doesn’t do her due diligence when writing her files. Which to me directly contradicts her calling Cabby’s Fan file “impeccable” and having “so many notes” back in episode 2?

And as for Test Tube’s assertion that Cabby would turn on her the moment she stopped being useful, and that she treated everyone like chess pieces on her little board, it really felt like her jumping to conclusions because of what happened with Fan. Because she has done that to no other member of the Pinkers. And there is way less manipulation on Cabby’s part in the show than Test Tube’s irritation would have it seem.

I’m not sure if the writers intentions were to make Cabby as manipulative as Silver from the beginning, but if it was and that’s why this is all going on, well. Mission status isn’t exactly a success to me— the only manipulation she does is in episode 2, when she tries to get Bot to vote out Fan (and presumably the rest of the team as well), and episode 7, where she makes a big show of approaching Silver about how it would be better for him to stack the ice cream because, knowing him to be lazy and careless, it would increase the odds of him screwing up the challenge and make it easier to vote him out.

I’m at least relieved that Test Tube seems to have been thinking about things whenever Cabby says something self-effacing or seems to be nice, because it gives me hope that she may finally realise she’s been taking it too far and maybe Cabby will get an apology, but the fact that she’s been just sitting on it for like 3 episodes by now is killing me,

[whentherewerebicycles]

somebody I went to grad school with and always liked/respected but didn’t stay in touch with has recently gotten super radicalized in a pro-IDF direction and now posts multiple insta stories a day regurgitating right-wing Israeli propaganda and just in general reveling in what’s happening in gaza. it’s extremely jarring yet also hard to look away from because I’m just like how? not “how do you develop different views on Israel than leftist internet” because idk people have the right to hold different views on complex issues. but like… regardless of your political beliefs how can you look at this massive, catastrophic loss of human life and respond to it with glee? I feel like over the course of my life I will probably be swayed now and then by beliefs that are unjust or ill-founded because idk humans are biased creatures who are easily persuaded and we might embrace certain ideas without being able to see all ends. but gosh I hope that no matter what I believe I do not lose the ability to recognize and grieve the suffering of others. I hope I never become so entrenched in an ideology that I cease to see those who don’t share my belief as human. and I just hope in general that I never ground my political beliefs in gleeful resentment or delight in the humiliation of others no matter how much I disagree with them. I think even if you feel positive that you are in the right (no guarantee of that!), thinking and talking about other people like that is SO spiritually corrosive. it just eats and eats away at your soul. let me hold my beliefs lightly, let me be open to change, let me hold onto my own humanity by steadfastly recognizing the humanity of others.