#from my laser eye surgery

[digital999placebo]

ame psycho anon again: just wanted to say you are so right and correct. i made a joke about that exact set up to a friend when we rewatched and then promptly forgot about it apparently. the mental image of alfred hovering a nail gun behind his head is actually fucking killing me lmfao.

its literally them so much.....

[alienaiver]

my visions worsened so much 😭😭😭 the fact that i have to spend money on new glasses again 🥲

[giantkillerjack]

You shouldn't get a wheelchair, walker, cane, shower chair, or any kind of assistive technology mobility aid because then you might become dependent on them. Just like how you also shouldn't get glasses if you have bad eyesight because then you might become dependent on those.

For instance, if you end up stuck using corrective eyewear, you could actually lose your ability to tell what things are even when they are extremely blurry! You need to get used to having migraines from seeing unclearly because if you wear glasses all the time, you are basically giving up!! You don't need to see things coming at you from far away! You just need to get good at dodging, and if you can't, then you have no one to blame but yourself!!

For example, I read a really heart-worming article recently about a girl who was stuck using glasses - just absolutely, tragically trapped in her eyewear from dawn to dusk, even though she was good and never ever complained; and I heard she trained herself to discern the blurry faces of her loved ones with 60% accuracy! - she was even able to walk down the aisle at her wedding WITHOUT forcing the discomfort of seeing a woman in glasses on all her guests!!

Sure, she had to give her vows with a splitting headache, and she couldn't see her husband's expression when he said "I do," but overall, SO inspi-ration-al!!! So up-lifting!!

(She didn't even have to use a seeing eye cane, which would have been the worst-case scenario, obviously, because she worked hard to make sure she looked LESS disabled, not MORE disabled!!! Everyone knows blind people exist solely to be a cautionary tale to sighted people!!)

Also, did you know some people get glasses when they only need them a little bit?? How selfish of them! Sure, there's not a shortage, and an increase in demand would result in overall increased accessibility to glasses--but emotionally it's like taking glasses away from someone who needs them more! After all, if everyone who needed glasses got them, then...... um...... more people would have glasses! Which is probably bad!!!!

I also had a friend who was trapped in glasses who saved up all her money for laser eye surgery, and I don't know why everyone doesn't just do that! Sure, some doctors say some people don't "qualify" and it "won't help" those people, but that's why you can't give up!! You don't want to be one of those people!

After all, what's the worst thing that could happen with an unnecessary laser surgery to the face that comes with crippling debt??? It's worth the risk to gain your FREEDOM back, and I'm so proud of my friend!!

Tragically, she did die later that year while driving Uber and squinting at street signs, but at least now I know my friend is finally free from the shackles of her terrible eyesight. #ripAshley #rippedAshley #justripit 😌😌😌❤😇😇😇

And that's why you shouldn't get used to using a mobility aid!! Because, like glasses, they are inherently embarrassing to be seen with; and - like glasses - it is more noble to suffer silently than to depend on unnatural technologies that force you to rely on them; AND - just like glasses - by abstaining from using them, you DEFINITELY benefit SO many people in tangible life-changing ways!!! (Besides, everyone else will be so much more comfortable if you just look normal! 😊)

I hope you learned something today. 💖

[gay-jesus-probably]

I love the TERFs jumping onto this post to be like "Hey, we don't harrass women who detransition, and we'll prove it by harassing you for being a woman that's detransitioned". Nobody can clown a TERF as well as they clown themselves every time they start talking, it's truly amazing.

Why I will never support the radical feminist movement, as a detransitioning woman.

note: this is not meant to be any sort of hit piece or slander, I respect every feminist, even ones I disagree with. This is just my reasoning for why I do not like the radfem movement.

For a bit of context, I’ve indentified as trans since I was 12. At 18, I’ve decided to live my life as a lesbian woman, and i’ve never been happier with that choice.

Now, being a young trans man, I interacted a lot with pro trans content online (of course I did), and so of course I’ve heard about radical feminism. A passionate branch of feminism that takes a unique approach to women’s rights- deconstructing gender entirely. It sounds wonderful in theory, because of course gender is oppressive, most notably of women. I would know, being one. Even when I was trans I had to worry about being out at night. I even got chased once, and a man attempted to lure me to his truck another time. It’s brutal. But radical feminists devote their activism to ending this in a straightforward, logical way.

So why do I, a woman who has experienced both misogyny and transphobia, not support that? I feel that this is a good question for both trans allies and radfems alike to to ask. Knowledge is power.

Well, I’ll be direct. Radfems are some of the most depraved people i’ve ever met. I know, that sounds like a lot, but there’s no other words I can use that don’t perfectly encapsulate my experience with radfems. It’s depravity.

For weeks, I was harassed by transphobic radfems. Radfems, who are insistent on their love and support for TIFs aka trans men. It’s strange then that they would be so cruel towards one, wouldn’t you say?

Detransition is hard enough. It’s difficult to tell family that you were wrong. It’s difficult to reconnect with my gender. Hell, i prefer the term detrans over cis just because i have such a disconnect from my gender. So why do I have to deal with transphobic radfems sending me gore and death threats?

Thankfully all of the accounts doing this seem to be deleted or repurposed. But it’s only a matter of time until a new account is made just to send me an ask telling me to kill myself or a message about how much of a loser i am.

It’s this reason alone why i’ll never be a radfem. They’re just sick people. They don’t want liberation for women, they just hate trans people. It’s not even thinly veiled, their accounts are fully based around how horrible trans women are.

The truth being, trans women aren’t bad people at all. It’s easy to think they are because the news and media cherry picks some of the worst ones, but every community and minority group has bad people in it. some of the sickest people you could imagine, really. yes, they can be trans. but does being trans make you a sick person? does it turn you into a predator? no, it doesn’t. it just means you’re trans. trans or not, it’s up to men to be mature and take accountability for their own actions that they consciously make. a cis man is as capable to walk into a women’s room as a trans woman is.

if radical feminists cared more about women and detrans women, i could consider getting along with them. but sadly, all these passionate and dedicated feminists care about is hating trans people with a fiery passion. and i’ve been a casualty. it’s very difficult for me to sympathize with radfems when they’ve upset me to the point that they have

let me make it clear that gore and death threats don’t upset me, i’m not easily offended. So it’s not the threats that make me angry. It’s just the principle. The fact that radfems are spending their time scrolling reddit for gore pictures to send to fellow women instead of supporting us makes me SICK. it’s heartbreaking to picture a woman, raped and beaten by her boyfriend, and a radfem standing in front of her, readily available to help, but choosing to yell at a passing detrans woman. It’s really sad.

hopefully those reading this can take my words into consideration and use it to improve yourselves or your community (if you’re a radfem). i love womanhood and being a woman and i would love to share that joy with my sisters, but i just can’t when these issues i’ve experienced are in the back of my mind. I want radical feminism to be a safe space, a place where sisters can go to talk to women, relate to women, cry with and support women. but so far, the only love and support i’ve received has been from the trans community. that speaks volumes.

i am going to post more about my experience with finding my womanhood again in the future, so if you’re a detrans woman yourself, trans ally or not, consider following me :) i’d love to build myself a little community

[frvnkcastles]

ONLY HOPE FOR ME ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: After you’ve gone through a surgery, Frank is there to support you through the recovery.

Warnings: Mentions of surgery, feminine nicknames, just a brief mention of a shower together, fluff

Word count: 1.3k

Author’s note: This is straight up just me trauma dumping LMFAO but I thought maybe someone else will find themselves in a similar situation and could use something like this. I had to get surgery because of a tumor in my ovaries and I’m currently in the process of recovering and all I want is Frank to be real. GAHHH.

”I’ll be right there when you wake up, okay, sweetheart?”

Those were the words Frank had reassured you with right before you had been taken to the operating room, and you clung onto them like a mantra or a prayer to keep you going. You had never been in a situation like this before, and despite all the calming speeches you had gotten from the surgeon and the anesthesiologist, you were scared. You were nervous. But above all, you were glad that you weren’t alone — you had Frank, and that was giving you all the courage you needed.

You imagined holding his hand when they inserted the cannula, and you pictured his kisses on your forehead when they started giving you oxygen, and when the doctor warned you that the medicine for the pain would make you woozy, you closed your eyes and thought about Frank’s beautiful, beaten face to give you comfort. And thinking about him was how you passed out, without even realizing it.

Hours had passed, but to you, it felt like you had only blinked when you finally opened your eyes again. Everything was blurry and disorienting, and for a moment you thought you were still on the operating table, but as you slowly adjusted to the bright surroundings, you realized that wasn’t possible. No, instead, you were in the recovery room, concealed from prying eyes by white curtains, and your whole body nestled comfortably under the heated blankets.

”Hey, there’s my brave girl”, a familiar, deep voice cut through all the confusion and buzzing in your ears, and immediately laser-focused on him, you rolled your head to the side and found Frank seated next to you, just like he had promised. Your eyes still felt so heavy and difficult to keep open, but you could still see the faint smile directed at you, and a quiet giggle rose up your throat as you lazily gestured at Frank’s nose to brush against him.

”You’re here”, you whispered, almost like you couldn’t believe it, and Frank chuckled.

”Promised ya, didn’t I?” he retorted before taking your hand and giving it a soft caress. ”The doctor was here just a few minutes ago. Said everything went just as planned. You did perfectly, sweetheart”, he continued, and with a bashful smile, you let your eyes close again.

”I didn’t do that much”, you pointed out, and shrugging, Frank shuffled closer to kiss the back of your hand.

”Seems to be like you’re the perfect patient”, he hummed, and you couldn’t help but snicker slightly.

Before you could say anything more, your nurse appeared from around the corner, asking if you were feeling up to eating something. You answered in the affirmative, and as she left to get you a sandwich, you looked back at Frank.

”I hope you know how much it means to me that you’re here”, you murmured, your speech still a little slurred, but Frank didn’t mind. He wasn’t cowering away from this side of you — you had seen him at his absolute worst, so now that it was your turn to be vulnerable, he was honored to be by your side.

He would have told you as much, but your nurse returned with a snack and something to drink, as well as some painkillers, and Frank respectfully moved aside to let her do her thing. Once she had set all the food down, you began to awkwardly inch upwards to sit, and only then you realized how much in pain you were. You grimaced and whimpered as you attempted to sit up, and before the nurse could move a muscle, Frank was up from his chair and letting you put all your weight on his arm so you could comfortably adjust your position. You must have dug your nails into his arm, but he didn’t flinch — something that made the nurse smile as she thanked Frank for the help.

You squeezed your eyes closed and exhaled deeply, trying to breathe through the pain, but as soon as you got your hands on the water brought to you, you downed the painkillers eagerly. Frank watched attentively, back in his chair, a concerned gaze over his dark eyes as he followed your gentle movements to pick apart the sandwich you had in front of you.

”Need any help, just say the word”, Frank assured you with a gravelly tone, and you knew that he would have fed you if you had asked for it. Still, you managed, and simply let your other hand rest in his while you ate.

Once you had eaten and the nurse had helped you to the bathroom, you were officially allowed to go home — on the condition that you wouldn’t be alone for the first 24 hours, and Frank was taking that immensely seriously. He swore to be by your side, and as much was obvious from the get-go.

”You sure you feelin’ okay? You look a little… I dunno. Don’t wanna offend the lady”, Frank cleared his throat while walking you towards the car, his hand gently on your back to support you, your bag slung over his shoulder so you didn’t have to worry about anything extra.

”I’ll be okay, Frank, thank you. Let’s just go home, okay?” you pleaded, and with a curt nod, Frank helped you to the passenger seat before climbing in behind the wheel and starting the car.

”Home it is.”

Needless to say, you were bedridden for the days to come, and Frank wasn’t kidding around about it. He practically carried you to bed when you first got home, and he made sure to fluff your pillows and get you at least two different kinds of drinks to keep you hydrated. When you got hungry, he was happy to help you eat, and when you needed to get up, he was right there to keep you upright. He delivered you your medication right on time, and you weren’t allowed to worry about a thing. When it was time for your first shower, he got undressed with you and made sure to tenderly wash you and take care of you, his calloused fingers carefully peeling the bandages off of your body.

The next problem was falling asleep. You were tired, drained even, but not being allowed to roll on your stomach was a personal level of Hell you hadn’t been looking forward to. You were propped up on several pillows, laying on your back, groaning and complaining and Frank was by your side, drawing soothing patterns on your arm.

”Sleep will come, baby. Just lay here with me, yeah?” he grunted, and supposing you had no other choice, you reached for his hand and squeezed it tight.

You could tell he hesitated, but slowly, he draped an arm over your belly, careful not to put too much weight on you, but simply just aching to hold you and be close to you. He breathed you in and kissed your shoulder softly, and it made you smile.

”Thank you, Frank”, you whispered, and with a quiet sound of disagreement, he lifted his head from his pillow.

”You got nothin’ to thank me for. It’s my pleasure, sweetheart. I like takin’ care o’you. And I’mma do it properly”, he insisted, and as you looked at the sincerity in his eyes, you were mere seconds away from tearing up. Going into the surgery, you had been so anxious, wondering how you’d get by without your family to support you, but turns out, you didn’t need them. You just needed Frank.

”I love you”, you spoke quietly, and for a moment, the two of you just stared into each other’s eyes, nothing but devotion between the two of you.

Slowly, Frank leaned in to give your lips a kiss, sweet but deep. ”I love you, too”, he smiled before kissing your forehead once more, ”now get some sleep, pretty girl so I can look after you again tomorrow.”

[roebeanstalk]

hello hello 💚 super struggling, doing my best to hang in there. sorry for mostly being annoying reblogs and begging posts lately.

I'm flying down to Illinois on Thursday to visit my mom, she had some major eye surgery. she's okay, but I've been struggling with it emotionally on a bunch of levels.

money stuff is also just bleak. I'm nervous about it. bills I owe my roommate for, October rent coming up, keeping myself fed through my snap payment on the eighth.

i keep trying to job hunt, but struggle so hard cause I don't have a car and am a long bus commute from everything. and also just, PTSD both in and out of the workplace. makes it hard. I want to figure out how to approach it better after I'm home from Illinois next week.

gender and identity stuff is like... at it's best and worst. my hormone levels are where they need to be, but I swear my facial hair is darker and coarser and faster growing than it used to be. but it's also my biggest cause of dysphoria so idk... I want to get laser or electrolysis sorted but it can't even be a priority right now.

I'm sluggish and tired cause I'm pretty much only able to eat a meal a day and it's just a variation on eggs and toast.

my head is so tied up with everything. I'm having a hard time responding to people I care about and getting things done.

I'm not giving up, I'm gonna keep going. justttt struggling again and trying to be honest about it

[millerflintstone]

Nothing like having a bad eye to jam up your Saturday.

About a year and a half ago I had very sudden retinal laser eye surgery to fix a tear in my right retina that hadn't caused a detachment yet. I was very lucky. I had been seeing a round dot in my peripheral vision on and off.

After a disappointing appointment with my then eye doctor, I got an appointment at my prior optometrist's office. That doctor referred me to a retinal specialist and he fixed me up. He also told me if I ever saw new floaters or flashers, to let him know immediately.

Yesterday was Juneteenth observed for my job so I was out running errands in the morning. I noticed black spots in my peripheral vision up near the top of my right eye. They were not going away and I had a mini freak out in a grocery store parking lot.

I got it together, continued on to my last errand and called the retinal specialist's office. They let my doctor know and he set me up for a Saturday appointment at another office.

As the day progressed, I started seeing flashing light in my right peripheral vision, too. Didn't matter if the eye was open or closed

My vitreous gel in that eye has pulled away a bit from my retina and there is a small dot of blood back there. No new retinal tear or retinal detachment, but I have a follow up in 2 weeks to make sure things haven't gotten worse. Apparently the vitreous gel detachment thing is just due to aging.

Sigh.

I'm okay for now. Wondering how much longer until I get full on retinal detachment as I age.

[ladamedusoif]

20/20 - no outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader

(gif by @nicolethered)

Summary: After months of pestering from Sarah, Joel finally concedes that he might need to get his eyesight checked and makes an appointment at your optometrist practice. He really doesn’t want glasses, though.

Pairing: No Outbreak!Joel Miller x Optometrist F!Reader

Content/Warnings: MDNI; 18+; not explicit as such but implied; no outbreak AU; Joel and reader are broadly around the same age; fluff; Joel in glasses is his own warning; me making stuff up about eye exams

Word Count: 1600 (this was supposed to be a drabble)

Notes: So @lunapascal and @julesonrecord decided I needed to atone for being incredibly thirsty for the sight of a certain someone putting on a pair of glasses. And voilà, a “glasses are hot” one-shot and my first attempt at Mr Miller.

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. But they’re also fascinating little machines in their own right, and you should know: you’ve been running your own vision care clinic in Austin for almost twenty years, after qualifying as an optometrist and gaining experience for a couple of years at various chains.

Some people love finding out they’re going to get to wear glasses. Others? Not so much.

Your last customer of the day definitely falls into the latter category. 

“Mr Miller?”

He looks around him in the empty waiting area, sighs, and stands up to join you in the testing suite. He looks like he’s being sent to the rack, not going for a routine eye examination. You introduce yourself and gesture towards the seat in front of your desk.

“So, Mr Miller -”

“Joel.”

“Joel. What brings you to the clinic today? You’re a new customer, have you just moved to the area?”

Joel looks uncomfortable, shifting in the seat. You guess he’s in his early fifties or so, salt-and-pepper hair and a patchy beard. He’s broad, still evidently a strong and well-built man. His denim shirt, embroidered with a logo that reads Miller Family Contractors, fits snugly but perfectly over his frame. 

“No, not new to Austin. Been here my whole life. Just…new to the eye doctor.”

“I see.” You pull up his file on the computer system and note his age. “If you don’t mind me saying, Joel, you’ve done pretty well getting to this stage in life without needing some kind of sight correction. What’s changed?”

He exhales, and for the first time since he sat down he actually makes eye contact with you.

Holy shit. You look at irises and pupils and corneas all damn day. You admire and respect the human eye, but you didn’t think it had the same power of attraction over you. Turns out, it had just been a while since you’d seen eyes as beautiful as his.

Even in the shitty artificial light of the testing suite, you can see that Joel Miller’s eyes are a perfect dark brown: at times like black coffee, at times like fine whiskey, depending on the light. They’re warm and enticing, even without him trying. You notice, too, the laughter lines and wrinkles around those extraordinary eyes - here, despite his stern exterior and manner, is a man who smiles and laughs. Who knows happiness.

“My daughter… she made me. Said she was gettin’ sick of me holdin’ up my phone so I could see the screen, and of missin’ half the stuff in my shows because I was squintin’.”

“Ah, she sounds like a wise person. Well, Joel, let’s get going.”

You conduct the retinal exam and the glaucoma test, Joel flinching as the puffs of air hit each eye. When he almost drags himself off the stool to move over for the pupil reactions and visual acuity testing, you decide to just ask.

“Joel, is everything okay? Are you comfortable with the procedures I’m doing?”

He arranges himself in the chair, his broadness making the equipment look comically small. He flashes you another look with those big brown eyes.

“I…I don’t want glasses.”

It’s not the first time you’ve heard this. “It’s okay, Joel. If you need vision correction we can look at contacts, or even laser surgery if you think that might be an option.”

He grimaces.

“I don’t want pokin’ in my eyes, either. Or lasers pointed at them. Absolutely not.”

You arch an eyebrow. “Well, let’s hope you don’t need glasses, then, Joel Miller.”

You have to get up close to him for parts of the eye test, as normal. To your horror, you realise that every time you do so, you get a surge of desire. He smells of shaved wood, of pine soap, of peppermint, and of leather. You notice the smattering of freckles across the tan skin exposed by the snaps left open on his shirt. You can’t take your own eyes off his hands: big, broad, long, and strong. 

Your mind immediately wanders to thinking about what those hands could do to you. Where they could go that you can’t reach with your own fingers, how they’d feel against your skin, reaching for you, groping at your tits as you - 

You clear your throat and turn back to the lens unit, away from Joel, lest he see how flustered you are becoming. He’s got a daughter, you remind yourself. He’s got a wife, or a partner.

“Everythin’ okay?”

“Sure, yes, fine, Joel. Sorry, just trying a new lens combination.”

***

Of course he needs glasses. It’s not a very strong prescription, but he seems crestfallen as you talk him through it.

“Joel, I don’t want to be condescending but glasses are a minor hardship when you think of being able to see clearly again.”

For the first time, he cracks a smile. “I know, I know. I just - I dunno. I feel like I’m an old man now, with my glasses and my stiff knees and my tight back. That’s why I didn’t want them, I - vanity, I guess. Didn’t want to admit I was old.”

You smile in return, noting how kind and warm his expression was. “You’re not old, Joel. You look great.”

That was unprofessional.

He blushes. “Until I put the specs on, that is.”

You point to yourself. “I’m wearing contacts today so it’s easier for me to do my job, but in my downtime - I’m glasses all the way.”

He scoffs. “Different for you, though, you’d look pretty no matter what.” 

“Pretty?” 

Joel looks up at you from under his lashes. “I mean…yeah, you are. Probably even prettier in your glasses, too.”

It’s your turn for the heat to rise to your cheeks, but you can’t help smiling. “Let’s just double-check the last of the personal contact details before we go look at some frames. Says here your emergency contact is Sarah Miller but there’s no description of your relationship - is she your wi-“

“Daughter. Sarah’s my adult daughter. No wife, no girlfriend.”

You try not to smile too obviously. “My emergency contact is my younger sister. Same reason.”

As you print out Joel’s new prescription, there’s a knock on the door - Meghan, your assistant who usually looks after customers when they choose their frames.

“It’s closing time… you want me to stay late?”

You shake your head. “Of course not, Meghan. I think I’ll be able to help Mr Miller choose his new frames. If that’s okay with you, Joel?”

He smiles and turns to Meghan. “I think I’m in good hands.”

***

Joel studies the selection of frames on display in the main public area of the clinic, looking completely overwhelmed. He turns to you, shrugging helplessly.

“I don’t even know where to start. What would you suggest? You’re the expert.”

You move closer to study his features, taking in the size and shape of his face, the firm set of his jaw, the strong line of his nose, the softness of his lips. 

Fuck, this is a beautiful man.

You catch your breath momentarily. “Many men who don’t want glasses choose the invisible frames, like these.” You hold up a pair of the lightweight style, placing them gingerly on Joel’s handsome face.

He studies himself in the mirror. “Not bad. Can’t even tell.”

“If I might suggest something, though?”

He nods. “You’re the expert, like I said.”

“I think your features could carry something a little stronger. More definite, more distinguished. Can I show you?”

You pick a couple of acetate frames from the rack, one in a dark caramel brown, the other in a sort of charcoal grey. You hold them out to Joel. 

He wavers, and settles on the caramel pair. You watch as he examines the frames, before gently putting them on.

That’s when you give yourself away. The sight of that man putting on those glasses is so devastatingly sexy that you let out a tiny moan. Joel turns, the frames beautifully complementing his colouring and the darkness of his eyes, and it’s all you can do not to moan again.

“You okay?”

“I’m…I’m fine. You just look…very…”

He moves closer, a little smile on his face. “You sayin’ the glasses are doin’ it for you?”

You nod. “That pair, yes. Yes, I think they might be. I’m sorry, this is horribly unprofessional of me.”

He grins. “Can you explain what it is you like about them?”

You swallow hard, turning him to see himself alongside you in a mirror. “They’re stylish. They are strong. They’re distinguished. They’re very…masculine.” You let the next words slip before you can stop yourself. “In other words, they’re very you.”

Joel turns his back to the mirror, focusing on you. “Only because you found them for me. I’d never have tried somethin’ like this.”

“You glad you did?”

“I am. And I’m glad I came in to get my old eyes checked out by the prettiest optometrist in all Texas.” 

You laugh, and he catches your hand to pull you in. Your fingers rest lightly on the broad expanse of his chest, feeling the taut denim underneath. You look at him expectantly.

“I know this is probably mighty unprofessional, but…”

You nod. “But I’ve already gone over the line, so…”

Joel leans in, frames still on, and kisses you: hot, hungry, deeply. You wrap your arms around the back of his neck, returning his kiss with the same intensity. When you break away, you take his hand and lead him back towards the testing suite.

“More tests, darlin’?”

You arch an eyebrow as you pull him inside and close the door. “I suspect you’ll pass these with flying colours, Joel Miller. You don’t need 20/20 vision for what I’ve got in mind.”

[tirfpikachu]

this screenshot from another post actually really hit me hard

trying to make body dysphoria seem inherently worse than body dysmorphia is actually cruel. as someone who developed extremely severe body dysmorphia before dysphoria, i can tell you it's the #1 reason i started hating and harming myself and wanting to die at a young age. i would've 1000% gotten extreme facial plastic surgery to "fix" myself. and while for some it's their road to happiness, if i had it... it personally would've locked me into this fake version of myself, forever wearing a mask. and whenever i'd see someone looking like my past self, a haunting feeling would've come over me. and yet society was encouraging me to "fix" my perceived flaws. it was insanely normalized. it was seen as almost self-care, and a way to better my chances in life as a "prettier" woman. it really fucked me up. you CANNOT look me in the eyes and say shit like "women just want to xyz bc of beauty standards, it's not the same as my much worse severely debilitating dysphoria" without telling my younger self and other young girls that her life-threatening suffering wasn't bad enough, wasn't painful enough, wasn't as bad as anything a trans person goes through. it assumes so fucking much about dysmorphic people. don't brush us off so easily. don't put yourself as inherently in a worse situation when societal misogyny costs real lives. especially since for me, it came from initial bullying at a young age, like many other girls who hate their own bodies & faces. stop belittling our pain.

my dysphoria was very debilitating too, and made me a trans activist for life. but it did come with risks. i developed reverse dysphoria quite quickly after i started growing stubble, and now i'm stuck with that painful dysphoria until i can get expensive laser hair removal. if this is how transfems feel like about their own stubble, holy shit... i'm so fucking sorry. that's a truly horrible feeling. what i can tell you though, is that this is actually a cousin sensation to dysmorphia. dysmorphia & dysphoria aren't as separated as y'all might want them to be, which would make things must simpler ofc. but it's the feeling of visceral disgust, of your body not being good enough, not being you enough. that sucks to think about; we don't want to empower the transphobic crowd into thinking they can magically fix us all. and so, many activists and dysphoric people try to compensate by portraying them as experiences that are completely foreign to one another. as never being related or feeling similar at all, ever. but the thing is, as a previously chronically dysphoric & dysmorphic detrans chick, i can tell you first-hand that it doesn't help anyone to pretend that these aren't often comorbid disorders, and that they actually really do feel similar. and that's okay! no one should take all your treatment options away just because of that. that would be shitty, transphobic, and honestly ableist. but we gotta encourage ppl & their doctors to do due diligence (which my doctor and trans community didn't) and be open to everybody about the risk of regret, of reverse dysphoria, of things not working out the way we think they will. because all that at the very least makes detransitions less painful, even if you personally never detransition. detransitions can lead to very extreme self-hatred, and all the unfortunate consequences of self-hatred. it is a very vulnerable place to be in, and we want to prevent harm. more and more folks are detransitioning because of a lack of information and a focus on celebrating someone's transition early instead of giving proper information. the same should be done with dysmorphic folks - i am both a post-dysphoric and post-dysmorphic person. but many dysmorphic people cannot function without getting surgeries.

and while this is honestly tragic, as anyone needing to go under the knife at all is tragic in a sense... sometimes it is the only life-saving treatment option for the person. for me, i feel so fucking proud of my survival despite years of debilitating disgust at myself, my body and my face. both in a dysphoric and dysmorphic way. but i do not look down on anyone who did have to go through surgeries. i'm just happy to see them smile and feel good about themselves, honestly. but it is a bit bittersweet. how was it, before surgeries, to be dysphoric? to be dysmorphic? i want to read more stories from those eras. how did people find inner peace? did they, in the end? how many didn't survive? what did they have to say? i feel a strange sense of yearning, sometimes. heteropatriarchal society is really weird. it triggers dysmorphia in so many young girls & transmascs. it can also trigger temporary dysphoria in some people, and even permanent dysphoria. and just because certain societal things are a factor in your dysphoria doesn't mean you're lesser for it either - your suffering matters. just like dysmorphic suffering. hating yourself at all is so fucking painful. i wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy, or i'd at least strongly hesitate and they'd need to be an actual monster to deserve it. i love dysphoric & dysmorphic people so fucking much. i don't want us to fight eachother, or shame eachother for seeking treatments when things become too much for us to bear. we need to uplift one another. do everything we can to lessen these feelings in ourselves, of course, as a community of people who hate their bodies and place in society. but if someone chooses to cross over, to take hormones, to have surgeries... i just don't want them to regret it, that's all. and if they don't? if they're happy? i would hug them and breathe a sigh of relief as well. i'd feel bittersweet, almost nostalgic, because i've been there. people who haven't been severely dysphoric or dysmorphic don't fucking understand. hopefully they never will.

[notjuststardust]

Trellises Lawxchronic pain reader

Reader is having a low spoons and high pain day and doctor Law comes to the rescue! Pure fluff. This is self-indulgent, specifically catered toward those with scoliosis but I thought it was cute so I wanted to share! Just Law and reader being good friends who have eyes for eachother is all.

TW: None

The minute you started scribbling with your non dominant hand Law knew something was wrong. You’d been quiet, a trait normally foreign to your bubbly soft natured self. Your silence could mean an array of things but he had a list of possibilities. 

 He saw your sunken lids, how they dragged the life from your plump cheekbones all the way down to the blank stare you have the work in front of you. If you were menstruating you’d be snacking and there was nothing in your mouth other than the kiss of teeth.

 Propping chin in hand Law tilts his head in your direction, eyes lasered in on your shoulder at rest. A shoulder you had constant trouble with due to surgeries as a kid. “I didn’t know you were left handed.” He comments, not even trying to feign the sarcasm dripping from his tongue. Slowly, you looked up at him through lowered lashes (y/e/c) eyes void of mischief.

 “I’m not.” He puffs out a dwarfed scoff, standing from his chair to ease over to your end. 

 “Have you been sleeping?” He furthers, stalking over to face you, brows propped but you back away from his nearing inquisition. These conversations were never fun.

 “Yes.” You answer, evading his eyes to deter his advance but your Captain isn’t allowing that, at least not today and you could tell by the annoyed jut of his lip when he reigned to continue. “6 hours. Yes, I’m drinking water. No, I have not pooped. I took 600 mg’s of ibuprofen and the pain level is an 8 out of 10.” You decide to relent and Law is forced to shut his gaping mouth.

 You’d definitely prepared that beforehand. His shoulders slack, drawing toward the medicine cabinet in the far corner. He knows better than to ask why you hadn’t brought it up earlier, you just didn’t want to ‘bother’ him. He could argue but you were past the point of reason and teetering on the edge of crying out.

 Now wasn’t the time for one of his ‘talks’.

 Propping open the medicine cabinet he searches, body turned to watch in case there was something else you’d been hiding. He flicks through your prescriptions once, twice, three times before he concludes the prescription you needed wasn’t here.

 Great.

 “Did you put in a refill request?” Your captain drags a hand over his face, pinching the square of his jaw when he peers over at you hunched at his desk. You just stare at him before flitting your gaze toward the door, heaving a sigh and shaking your head. 

 “I can’t work if I’m on the muscle relaxers. I just wanted pain meds.” You mutter as Law barely restrains an annoyed growl. Even so his teeth grind making you turn away just enough to inform him you were appeasing him instead of advocating.

 “That’s the whole point of them. It calms the muscle to make the inflammation go down,” he explains despite your medical knowledge on this matter, after all you had this conversation over a year ago but you were stubborn as a mule when it came to making yourself useful. “I need my scribe in working condition.” He grumbles, pulling a tube of pain reliever from your cubby. 

 You quiet as he approaches, aware that he’s never referred to you as ‘his scribe’ in his entire life, it was silent endearment to persuade you to be honest. Yet you weren’t sure if you had the heart to be right now.

 “I am working though.” You twirl your pen in your non dominant hand, trying and failing to demonstrate the lovely penmanship he so admired you for. Letting out a frustrated sigh Law plucks the utensil from your hand and pops it down into his pen jar, gloving up as if he’s about ready for surgery as he cautiously eyes you over.

 You were delicate now. Robbed of good rest and swollen with inflammation however if he didn’t step into his role you’d give until your altar was empty of offerings.

 He wasn’t your God but you had always served him and everyone else around you as greater than yourself. This was no different and he couldn’t bare to do nothing about it this time

 “Consider yourself on temporary leave then.” He fails to break eye contact in time, but he catches the heartbreak in his peripherals, raw and dependent on him taking it back.

 “Law, that’s not fair and you know it-“ you lunge to a stand before your hand shields your shoulder, breaking that confidence. 

 “And you think working yourself to death is?” He forwards you, body pressuring you back into an appeasing sit in your chair. You don’t answer but your eyes glass and lets his fingers brush your hair over the opposing shoulder and tease your shirt so he can further inspect. “How long?” He asks though he doesn’t have to. It’s swollen like a balloon, redness spreading up the blade of your shoulder to the edge of your neck. He wants you to say it. To admit you’ve been purposefully neglecting yourself to care for everyone else but instead you give a pathetic sniffle before you quiver and break into sobs. Tears trickle down your cheeks and his irritants dissipates into a pool of sympathy only reserved for you.

 He tries to get out something, anything that would salve the emotional strain you had been burdened over but no amount of empathy can. He does not have the gift of easing your worries like you do him. If anything his words tend to be a blade to an already festering wound whilst yours carry a melodic ease to even his most persistent emotional aches. You could spin corpses back to life with your words, mold graves into gardens but he only had his hands.

So instead he rolls the numbing cream into the ball of your shoulder with soft thumbs, allowing you the courtesy of a moment to yourself despite the exposition of feelings you’d much rather keep locked up.

 It wasn’t your fault that a life saving surgery had left you on the verge of crippling and selfishly, he’d much rather this than your corpse. You’d only been 12 when your spine had started easing further and further into your heart, putting tension against the much needed organ. Metal had been fused into the bones of your spine to keep it straight and that pressure left a considerable strain on your lumbar. Not only that but there was no saving the oblong shift of your shoulders and hips due to the scoliosis.

 With that considered you still wanted to be involved, helpful to Law and the crew when your pain had started in the following years. You were a writer and you refused to live your life only in the pages of stories spun with sweet words. You wanted to experience life and even your captain, persistent and logistic as he was, hadn't been able to deter you from your quest.

 You quiet at his silent affection, thinking it nothing more than something he has to do for his job but Law knows its more than that. He could have just tossed you the gloves and allowed you to apply the ointment yourself but he wanted to be of service as more then a doctor if even for a moment. He wanted to be of comfort and it must have worked because your tears quieted and you relaxed into his touch.

 After all if he voiced that he could have made you do it you would have because you don’t accept outside help.

 Hence why any accommodations he had strung for you in the Polar Tang went among the unsaids in the submarine. Normal chairs bothered you yet you had one so Law had instructed Bepo to test it. The thing shattered into broken splintered in minutes and Law hiding behind the guise of a safety check had promised to get you another. What came in the mail though was not a normal chair though. The thing was practically a throne, spun together by chiropractic plush to nurture your back when you used it. When the complexities were mentioned Law had just said it was on sale. You hadn’t questioned it further. After that he had allowed Shachi and Penguin access to your bathroom where they practically made the shower go up in smoke, since it now needed repairs. Law had a sit down shower with a sneaky call button in case you may ever need it. The subtleties did not go so unnoticed with that one and Law had to then install special buttons to all bathrooms from the suggestion of Penguin and Shachi.

 You had always had suspicions but never proof and you were smarter then to question your captain based on pure assumption.

 “I’ll call in your refill. The earliest it will be here is tomorrow-” Your stillness hushes him, the weight of your cheek just a little too heavy against his knuckles as a little snore slips between your lips. He blinks, leaning up and over to see your mouth wide open and teary eyes slid shut. An impressed ‘hmm’ whisps between his teeth, a grin imperceptible etching into his lips. That's until he realizes if he moves an inch yu’ll wake. He ponders the notion of moving anyway and getting you comfortable on a cot but decides otherwise when he realizes the peace settled on your face.In the end he stays. 1 hour. Then 2 and footsteps explode down the hallway like thunder, the office door squealing open with Shachi in its mirror.

 “Captain come on! Dinners read-” He pales like a corpse when Law glares death his way, nervously playing with his fingers as Penguin clops in behind him laughing obnoxiously about God knows what until he too mutes. They both stare at your compromising position, looking to eachother in silent laughter. Well, it wouldn’t have been compromising if it wasn’t you.

 There's drool all over Law’s hand, he’s shimmying like some old man trying to get his back ache to go away. Nonetheless he's frozen, steely eyes set in a glacial glare as he quiets out an annoyed sigh. His crewmmates nonsense quiets.”Oh, so she finally told you.” Shachi hums, quarreling with a grin but the intonation gives away his cheekiness.

 “Not necessarily,” Law groans, swallowing a blush. “You all knew?” He quirks a curious brow.

 “Wild guess.” Penguin hums with an easy shrug, forcing an awkward smile.

 “You know that probably even worse for her back, right?” Shachi comments, pointing a finger in his sleeping crewmates direction. Law just gawks, he hadn’t thought your crumple of sleep would leave you feeling worse upon wakeness then none at all. Clearing his throat he scoops his fingers under and up your armpits trying to scoop you safely into his arms. 

 “Of course I knew that-” Law quiets his rambling when you spurt out a snort. You release a gargantuan yawn. He points and shooes his crewmates that scramble into the hallway but its too late. Your lids are shot open as you smack your lips like a child. Shachi and Penguin make a break for it.

 “Know what?” You babble out, eyes alight with the familiar childlike mischief. Sleep had refreshed you well. He threads a rough hand through his hair, a heavy sigh slipping.

 “You were sleeping in a position that could compromise your back. I was trying to move you.” He removes the hand resting upon your cheek, trying to discard the soaked glove without your notice. “You really need to be more careful, he scolds when he sees you give him a dopey grin, ignoring his feign of casuality. You look more than stupid, like there are no thoughts behind your eyes, only joy at the mere prospect that his hunchback was caused by holding you up. You’re satisfied as a cat that's knocked over a glass and usually that’d only egg him on but it only forced him to sigh.

 At least you weren’t crying anymore. Your smugness couldn’t taint that.

“Did I drool?” 

 “Immensely.” He rolls his eyes, tossing the glove into the trash as you cackle.

 “You been standing there long?” You further, chaos winding you into a smile of all teeth, dimples peeking out like the sun through a rainy storm.

 “Long enough.” He groans lightly, a hint of a smirk on his face as he returns your prescription to the medicine cabinet. Then you look toward the clock and realize its been 2 hours. You bark out a laugh, nearly falling out of the office chair.

 “You didn’t move for 2 hours?” You snicker wildly and Law plops back into his chair, fingers caging away the blush pelting his cheeks as he looks away to mask embarrassment. “I have slept through raids before, Law.”

 “Shut up.” He grumbles, distracting himself with undone paperwork on his desk. “I moved my legs.”

 “You’re such a liar.” You shout with glee, lunging into a stand without help as you sniff the air. “Dinner time!” You lean over his desk just to spite him, sticking your tongue out before you hobble toward the door.

 “You’re still on temporary leave.” He reminds you with a stern glare, laced with affection at your silliness. He loathes becoming permeable but its far too comfortable when it's with you. You turn to look back at him as if contemplating taking his statement as a personal bullet but don’t, readjusting your back.

 “Uh-huh, doesn’t matter. I’ll never let you live it down!” You tease, skipping down the hallway as if you weren’t just in excruciating pain. You’re definitely about to tattle like some little kid and he is going to tolerate it until you inevitably find some other thing he does more strange.

 In summary, unless he told you otherwise (or you grew less dense), his little bits of affection would be the running joke of the dinner table.

[abbeyofcyn]

I hope you don't mind me sending the fanfiction through asks! I didn't know about posting it but wanted to share anyway!

-------

Two hours, it barely felt that way, but two hours have passed.

"Want me to take over?" Raph questioned, likely to the other two than to Leo, "Both of you must be tired."

Followed by an "I'm fine, thank you!" and "Just a snack break!"

Leo could barely hear his surroundings, eyes laser focused on the little parasite that had kept his brother in such a state for so long. It was almost over... They'd be free from this nightmare.

"Brain surgery takes four to five hours, but since I didn't have to cut him open we should be done soon," Leo mentioned, mostly to soothe their worries. Maybe also to calm himself down.

"How are you feeling, buddy?"

"Tired, cold... And thirsty." There was a weight to his voice, one Leo wouldn't usually hear from Donnie. "And ready for this to be- ACK!"

"Huh? You shouldn't be able to feel-" Leo's explanation was quickly interrupted by interjections.

"Sensei! His eye!"

"It hurts..."

"Leo!"

He wasn't giving up. "It's almost out!"

"It hurts, it hurts, it HURTS-"

"He's in pain!"

And Leo wanted his brother back. "Hold him down!"

Leo's eyes narrowed in focus, zeroing in on the problem. Keep a cool and steady head, calm down, and assess the situation, "It's trying to grab onto anything within reach."

"Leo! Just hurry up!"

Donnie thrashed. He was moving, the parasite was forcing him to jolt and thrash and neither the metal extensions nor Casey were strong enough. "Shit! Hold him!"

Raph rushed forward, hand on his plastron that moved to his shell. That soft shell. No, Raph!

Donnie's maw drew open, teeth bared and primed. Leo and Raph barely had time to register what it meant, barely had time to react.

"Raph!"

The maw came down on metal; SHELLDON's arm, but it was only a temporary fix.

Too much at once, too little time to think.

Come on, Leo! You have your quick thinking and Donnie's big brain! You're not losing your brother. You AREN'T, you CAN'T.

Pull yourself TOGETHER!

His eyes narrowed at the parasite. It thrashed, trying to grab onto his gloved arm but remain rooted to his brain. It wanted something organic.

Dread settled in Leo's stomach, but his mind was made.

It wants a host. I'll give it one.

He pulled the scalpel away from the portal, gripping the metal tight in his hands. It might just be the last thing he'll feel in that arm, he cherished the feeling. He'll fix it.

"Casey..."

He let his ninpo flood into the scalpel, feeling the light metal shift into the familiar weight of his katana. It wasn't about him.

"I need you to take this."

There wasn't time to hesitate. Not when his FAMILY was at stake. Leo handed Casey the sword.

"And when you see it."

With his teeth, he tore the glove off his hand. He let himself cherish the cool air and breeze, knowing it would be his last.

"I need you to cut off my other arm."

Oh man oh man oh man oh man

This is so good???? I love your writing and the colours you chose for their texts and idk why I was wondering why his text was purple as if I don't even know my own comic so it was extra cool to see it change to blue and aaaaaah

[lakesbian]

“Even my most loyal. Bitch of a thing to do. Not the actual procedure of sticking the things inside their heads. After the first twenty, I could do the surgeries with my eyes closed. Literally. I actually did a few that way.”

i'm sure there's at least some of it out there that i'm not aware of, but worm is genuinely the only superpowered media i can think of off the top of my head where technology-based superpowers feel this meaningful. tinkers in worm aren't just people toting around sci-fi weapons that feel ubiquitous in the setting, they're the only people who have those weapons, and they have them because they're breaking the rules for how technology should work on a very fundamental and unnerving level. i would like to hear someone with more complete knowledge of the genre at large talk about this (@artbyblastweave ?) because something about how tinkers are written in worm feels special to me. like, from my not-very-into-cape-media PoV it feels like in most other works people w/ the tech-based powers aren't explicitly doing anything special--it's typically presented as if what they're doing is fully plausible within the normal bounds of the universe in question, and their reliance on it might even make them less interesting or more vulnerable than people with "real" superpowers. batman, iron man, etc. and worm sidesteps this entirely by not only giving tinkers extremely inventive, iconic, and powerful toolkits, but by constantly casually reinforcing that what they're able to do is just as unnatural as someone shapeshifting or shooting lasers. bakuda doing brain surgery with her eyes closed! riley making functioning blood replacement out of shit she scrounged up in her kitchen! it doesn't matter if you take the tech away, because their schtick as a cape isn't having the money to put together a purportedly-regular power suit or bag of gadgets, it's having the ability to build a bomb with a couple of nails and the lint in their pocket in the 5 minutes someones back was turned. i simply cannot go back to media where people with gadget-based cape identities don't textually have inhuman capabilities with technology after reading worm, because worm just Does It Better

[dr-spectre]

Gamers since its Halloween I wanna briefly talk about my biggest guilty pleasure ever!!!

And you guys aren't gonna believe it...

It's.... it's Saw.

Yeah the fucking Splatoon guy who loves girlypop Idols and cute shit is also into one of the most gory and brutal franchises of all time. I have range!!!

I love all of these movies, Saw 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 , 6, 7/3D/The Final Chapter, Jigsaw, Spiral and Saw X.

These movies are the equivalent of junk food. It's like each Saw movie is a different flavour of a doughnut you would get at a 7/11. Sure, there are WAY BETTER doughnuts out there and it's not healthy for you, but MY GOD! THOSE DOUGHNUTS BE HITTING DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR THEM!!!

Saw 1 to 3 I would actually consider good to decent movies. I would recommend the first one to most people.

Saw 4 and 5 are... boring. They got some good traps but they are just.... boring!!!!

Saw 6? That's pretty good... I like the unique angle they took with the criticism of the American healthcare system.

Saw 7.... you wanna hear a hot take? I enjoy that one. It's so bad that it's good in my eyes. It's just pure trash that it rolls back around to being enjoyable.

Jigsaw, that movie sucks I'm sorry HAHAHA! NO STYLE! NO GOOD TRAPS! PLOT HOLES ALL OVER THE PLACE! That movie was not made with love AT ALL!!! But... I do like that giant spiral trap... and the laser collars are fucking dumb as hell but I love em.

Spiral? Eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh.... I meannnnn.... it's got some decent traps? The uh... the finger trap was cool! The... train one! I like that one... um.... the hot wax one is dumb but the concept is fine enough I guess? The puppet trap with the blood needles is one of the only traps I can't watch because sucking blood with needles makes me lightheaded. The other trap that i cant watch is The Rack. (Also, don't fucking hire Chris Rock in any serious role ever again.)

Saw X... I like that one. It truly felt like a return to the series, even down to the fucking ASPECT RATIO they filmed in!!! Thats good attention to detail!!! And the traps were actually good and memorable, well, most of them. Seeing John Kramer back as the focus is awesome too and Amanda... it was so nice seeing her again.

So yeah, I don't have much to say because my Saw fixation only appears once in a blue moon so I dont remember much. But when it strikes? Oh it STRIKES ALRIGHT!

Only watch Saw 1 and MAYBE Saw 2 and 3 if you're curious. These movies aren't for most people and I don't recommend it to everyone.

Also, I love Billy. He's such a silly guy. I love how he rides in with his tricycle!!!!

I love him in Saw X where he delivered the surgery tools so that a man can cut open his brain! And in Saw 4 where his head became a shotgun!!! And in Saw 1 where he rides in after a traumatised woman cuts open a person's stomach to stop their skull from being utterly destroyed!!! And in Saw 2 where he laughs at some police officers getting killed by a set of deadly stairs and an electric fence. And in Jigsaw where he watches people getting hanged!!!! And in Saw 6 where he swoops in from a wire around his neck and laughs at a guy who has to choose who's he gonna let die. And in Saw 7 where he crashes through a window in a cage to tell a guy to stab himself with spikes to stop a woman from getting impaled on a giant wheel!!!

[pridoo]

Kinda taking a sick leave bc I'm currently recovering from eye surgery! I went and got laser because I'm finally done with glasses and even though I hope I would already see perfectly, it's still a massive improvement to my previous condition 🥹 everything is still a bit hazy but I feel like it's gradually wearing off for a new, clear world

[medstudentblues]

good evening!!! i just did my workout at home tonight, so i could do laundry at the same time. so far i have cleaned, journaled, and did 1 load. i just came from an OPD duty (8am-5pm, but i was in the hospital from 630am-630pm), and tomorrow i am PM duty. it’s crazy! we finished seeing patients by 330pm but we had to stay until 630pm because there were still some patients who needed laser surgery in the eye center. idk what a day off feels like. does it get better? i hope it gets better. doing laundry / cleaning feels like a reset. i actually feel good now. perhaps later i’ll walk my dog even though it’s late because the two of us deserve it.

[heymeowmao]

2024.10.11 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321325088345679069341

[t/n: I swear I’m gonna skim it this time…] [t/n: his camera focus is FREAKING OUT]

1:33 LYN: It’s been a long time since I last streamed… and it seems like my equipment isn’t working properly. Something’s not syncing up. It won’t focus, so it’s all very blurry. But that’s nice, too, that you can’t see my face clearly. It’s a hazy/dreamy feel. - /testing the sound/video settings/ LYN: Is it vertical or a horizontal view still? /confirmed/ Vertical? Isn’t that high class? 🙂

3:58 LYN: (The focus) is probably because of these glasses. - takes them off and it does not fix the problem. LYN: It’s too blurry? Then next time we won’t use the vertical view. Maybe the angle with this isn’t right. It’s like everyone who’s watching has astigmatism. Even I can see/feel it. C: It’s because the carousel in the back keeps spinning. LYN: That’s the problem, huh? I’ll turn it off. It must be the carousel that’s the problem. I don’t care if it’s not, it’s going to take the blame for now. I’ll turn it off and see if it gets better. (It does not.) LYN: D: We falsely accused it. The focus has nothing to do with the carousel. This is getting annoying, though. Let me take the glasses off, too. I wanted to cover it because I don’t have any makeup today so my eyes look small. LYN: I didn’t think this would be so- It wasn’t the glasses, and it’s still not working. I didn’t plan well enough this time.

7:00 LYN: Let’s just leave it like this. You can hear me, so  have my voice keep you company. C: I can see your moles. LYN: You shut your mouth. Obviously it’s better that you can’t see clearly, because if it’s clear you can see my moles. It’s not a mole. You’re talking about here, right? (points to a spot on his face) I can’t believe you can see that. Can you see the hair growing on it, too? LYN: It’s not a mole/birthmark. You want to know what it is- /puts his glasses back on/ Let me cover it. The other day I went to get cosmetic surgery. I had lapse in judgement and did a procedure called “photorejuvenation (光子嫩肤).” I was thinking I could get my skin looking shiny and smooth, so I look younger. What an interesting procedure. While I was sitting there during the process I could smell something like burning pig hair. It hurt just a little. They use lasers to burn your skin a little. I’m sure my face was a little rougher to begin with so the technician grilled me a little longer. They ended up thoroughly cooking me and I… got a little burnt.

9:40 - tries to find a fixed position so that the camera will stay in focus. (it doesn’t work.) C: Your new equipment is no good. - Daimi starts barking up a storm LYN: See? Can you hear that? Your words have upset our female celebrity. She’s saying, “What are you talking about? Such nonsense?? What do you mean the equipment is no good?!” LYN: It was quite expensive for this, and now you’re telling me, “You’re new equipment is no good.” I can see the face your making through the screen. It’s not “no good”, I just haven’t adjusted it well enough. I thought I had it set, but it turns out this is much more of a headache than I thought. We’ll leave it. It doesn’t matter. C: Ning-ge, buy SONY. LYN: You’re here to advertise?? Are you from SONY, and have come to advertise your products? // I mean, I CAN but what would I do with the cameras that I already have? What am I going to do with them? My stream- oh my god… -/gets blurrier/ LYN: I’M gonna throw up. LYN: Let me take the glasses off, I think it’s better that way. It’s not the camera- there’s a reason why it won’t focus, that I just haven’t told you about. This camera is set to adjust according to a person’s eyes. It focuses based on your eyes. If I say it like that, do you understand what I’m implying? Are there any fast-thinking friends out there who understand what I’m trying to say here? Yeah. This camera auto- focuses based on where a person’s eyes are. Mm. What a piece of crap! - [t/n: his eyes are too small for the camera to focus on XD]

13:20 LYN: If it comes down to it, I CAN buy a different lens. I bought a new one just a few days ago, though. I was thinking about my stream and how I haven’t streamed for so long, so I wanted to give you a fresh new look. I went online and started looking for lenses using the search term: “what lens makes people look good?” There were all sorts of specifications. I ended up buying one with a summit angle? I don’t know- there might be people watching who know a lot more about this than I do. It’s said that people look best when shot at a 45°-85° degree angle. So I was thinking I would go hard and get one at an 85° angle. Because I don’t understand how it works, right? If they say people look good at 45-85°, then I’m thinking the one that will make me look the best is 85°. - in summary: it’s like a magnifying glass. the camera ended up only showing his nose, he never figured out how to adjust it. He wanted to return it, but the seller would not accept the return because the lens was already scratched from affixing it onto the camera. So he still has the lens and will probably try to raffle it off during a birthday stream. Or give it to his Studio so that they can make use of it.

18:55 C: Ning-ge, will you still enter a drama crew later this year? LYN: I’ve talked to you about this before. This industry is pretty cruel, and I don’t have any resources- even though people always say that I do. I WISH I did. But I don’t have resources, so I don’t have any work. I probably won’t be in another drama crew for the rest of the year. I’ve come back to being a Singer.

19:38 LYN: I was scrolling weibo and came across a post that read, “LYN’s new drama starts shooting.” I saw it and was dumbfounded. I thought to myself, “When did this happen? Who accepted a drama on my behalf?” Let me peacefully ‘pick my feet’ (idle). What drama do you want me in?? Let me rest. How’s this. If you see anyone making posts like that, make a comment saying, “Ning-ge wants you to contact his Studio. He wants to know what job this is. He wants to take it.” 

20:37 LYN: The thing is- you all know- I’ve been in Hengdian for the past four years, continuously shooting for dramas. I haven’t stopped. Even when I was acting as supporting characters, or made special appearances, I would still be part of that crew for four-five months. Even if it’s only 100-200 scenes, I would be there the whole time. I haven’t left Hengdian at all in the past four years. Think about it. You all know my schedule- I’ve been here for four years, it’s about time that I wanted to take a break and rest my mind. Because if you’re constantly filming you start to feel… numb. So I thought I would come back to being a singer, and release some songs, do some much-needed work on my album, and go on some music-varieties to come back into my singer-environment. LYN: Some of my friends are working hard right now. My return as a singer has them running haggard. Today it’s this stage and tomorrow it’s that song. The day after is an OST, and today is a livestream. I’ve got them running around so much I’m sure that they’re thinking, “LYN, why don’t you just go back to acting? Go back to shooting dramas. I’m dead tired.” Thank you, and you’ve worked hard.

22:50 C: Ning-ge, why don’t you put 这蔚蓝 (Azure) onto your album? LYN: It IS my song. It might not be on my album, but it’s already my song. It’s mine, so there’s not much meaning in putting onto my album. With my album I always want to bring you new songs.

24:17 - polling the group: (disregarding the focus) do you like vertical or horizontal view better? Consensus: both are good! (but he’ll buy a better lens for a vertical shot next time.)

25:50 C: You’re not in a drama crew, but you’re even busier. LYN: It’s actually not that bad for me. You’re the ones that are busier. // As a singer there are various music-related things, including stage performances. The stages I couldn’t go to before- because I was always in the crew and couldn’t ask for time away. But now I have time so if there are any events that invite me, I can go. If any varieties ask me if I could go help out- I mean- play, then I’ll go. I’ve returned to being a singer, and it’s nice. // I’ll attend some events so I can go see celebrities and take pictures with them.

28:00 LYN: I hope that no matter what drama airs- whether I have a little or a lot of scenes, or whatever the role may be, I hope that you can still watch the drama. Secondly, I hope that you can help maintain the drama and promote it in a positive direction. I hope that you can support it. Because in order to shoot one drama, I have to work for four months. The work may be difficult and tiring, but that’s normal. It’s really more of a painstaking effort on all parts. It’s every team’s effort. A drama’s success is not due to one or two people alone- it’s all the people who woke up early and stayed up late to help make it happen. So if you’re willing, please support the drama. LYN: It’s the same for every drama, but at the same time as one drama is airing, there are also countless of others. Honestly, we’re all competing for the same viewership and hoping to be your preference. I hope my fans can help to promote my dramas and support them. I don’t want you to get caught up in the rumors and ultimately bring harm to- I won’t call myself your “Ning-ge”, but- your friend’s work. 

30:57 - “It’s my fault. My eyes are too small.” - /troubleshooting the camera some more/

33:10 LYN: Is it better? Did it get better, friends? I don’t think it did- it still looks the same. 😐It’s BETTER, sometimes clear and sometimes blurry, but at least it’s not making anyone dizzy. C: Ning-ge, turn on the big eyes filter. LYN: What are you talking about? The camera doesn’t recognize me, so you want me to use the big eyes filter to help it? Are you crazy?? The problem with that is the camera is looking at me in real life, it’s not looking at the me THROUGH the lens with an added filter. What type of logic is that?? 34:53 LYN: Excuse me- you’ve touched on a nerve. My eyes are the wound that cannot be touched. - /reminds him of a song/

35:55 C: Ning-ge, those glasses make you look old. LYN: Someone earlier said that I looked like I attend NTU (Nantong University- one of China’s best and top-rated Public universities.) I know they were kidding, but I was a little cheerful when I heard it. Friends, even though I myself am well aware that I’m old, hearing that compliment made me feel a sliver of cheerfulness in my heart. When you go outside and see someone clearly older than you- you must say that they look young. Then, whatever path you are taking will go smoothly. I used to work in a clothing shop- if an older lady entered the shop, I would always call them “jie.” At that time, I thought if I used one of three phrases: This makes you look thin/pale/young, then I would have a 60% successful buy rate. So even if they know you're telling a lie, if it makes the other person happy then they’re more likely to spend their money. XD

37:51 C: Why isn’t anyone commenting? LYN: You’re lagging. Why don’t you find someplace to connect to wifi? The screen is full of comments. LYN: You’re not in another stream, are you? Are you in another space/dimension? Are you watching my stream from a parallel universe? My stream is full of people but you can’t see any of them. You’re in a parallel universe. - /Daimi barking/ LYN: /to Daimi/ Be quiet! Shush.

38:40 C: Lao-da, I learned how to ride a horse. LYN: Congrats! But let me give you some advice. I always keep in mind this saying: “stubborn mouths will be beaten to death, and good swimmers can drown.” (one should be cautious and not boastful) It’s something my grandparents taught me. I won’t explain the first half, but the second- for someone like me who’s afraid of water and can’t swim- I will stay far away from rivers, lakes, and seas. If someone says, “Let’s go play in the water!” I will never go. So it’ll be difficult for me to drown. LYN: You said you know how to ride now. I shot a drama before, and they asked the actors, “Who knows how to ride already?” and I told them I didn’t know how. But they replied, “Huh? I thought I saw a video before- weren’t you riding very fluently?” I told them, “I don’t know how to ride, really. I was just going into it blind.” But there was a kid by me, who said that he knew how to ride very well and had been doing it since young. He fell from his horse. LYN: So- in regard to horseback riding, the reason why I am still afraid is because I am wary of each horse I meet. You have to keep your distance from these animals, because in the end it’s not YOUR horse. For example, if you go out and you see a dog. Would you just walk right up to it and pet it? You don’t know if it bites. It’s the same logic with a horse. It may be very happy to have been fed a carrot, but the next moment it can think you look like a carrot and want to eat you. So, you have to be cautious. Even if you think you know how to ride one now, you still have to be careful. Ride slowly. Safety is your priority. Ok?

42:08 - /reiterates that it’s useless to ask him about updates (air dates) on his dramas/ - TXJ was about to drop before he even recorded the OST for it, so he had to record it in a hurry. - Pretty much will record an OST for almost every drama he’s in.

43:44 - Comment asking him if he’s had any cosmetic surgery done LYN: I’ve asked the doctors before and they’ve just shaken their heads. “There’s no helping you.” XD C: Just slightly. LYN: Slightly WHERE? You need to tell me where I need to get the work done. I don’t really do much anyway- the only part I need to improve is my skin. I think the biggest problem on my face is that my eyes are small. The camera already told me, “Your eyes are too small, I can’t autofocus.” But if I get my eyes done, I feel like I’ll look like a whole different person so I just let it go. Everywhere else is… pretty acceptable. :) I have a nose, I have a mouth- they’re decent. I can’t say they look nice, but they’re acceptable. LYN: I remember there was some board that ranked artists based on their features alone. I had nose and mouth, but I didn’t have eyes. But among all those features, I was up in the ranks. Not first, but still high up. When the results were announced and they saw it was me they were dumbfounded. But I didn’t see the results in the eyes ranking, and I don’t want to know.

46:57 C: Is there still hope for a concert this year? LYN: Probably not. I asked the company I collaborate with the other day and they told me that I probably won’t be able to hold my concert this year because there are no venues. After I’m finished with my current business, I’ll start working on the plans for my concert. It’s time, and I SHOULD have one. I still owe you a stop from last time, too. I’ve owed you Wuhan for four years. My fans are really faithful, too- none of them have returned their ticket. They bought a ticket for a concert four years ago they never got to see, but still have not asked for a refund. LYN: But- I was lying in bed thinking about this- I’m sure that there are a bunch of people who bought tickets for that stop who have since stopped being my fan. More or less, I’m sure people have stopped being a fan. For example, if I had 8k sold out tickets at the time, I don’t believe that there wasn’t any loss among all 8k of you. There is no such probability. // It’s been four years since they bought the ticket and I’m sure that with all the amazing people debuting every year they’ve long since stopped being my fan. They could have gotten married and had children, and have stopped chasing stars. They could have started doing something else entirely. That’s all normal and expected. But the thing is- they never returned the ticket. They might be using this last ticket as… a show of decency towards me. That’s what I think, at least. I don’t know if they really feel that way, though. LYN: Friends- there’s another possibility. /setting up the bgm/ Another possibility for why it’s been four years but they have not returned the ticket, is because… they forgot. They forgot their account log in, or they forgot where they put the ticket. So... even now, they have not been returned. It’s possible that not only have they forgotten the ticket, they have also already forgotten me. That’s fine, then. Let us separate in this jianghu and bid one another well. Let us maintain this last bit of… decency. C: I’m gonna cry! C: Ning-ge, what if they watch this stream and then remember, and return the ticket? LYN: /laughs/ /stops/ They wouldn’t, right?! I just reminded them??

51:55 LYN: It’s possible that I’ll hold my concert next year. I remember someone earlier said, “Ning-ge, I’ll study well and when I get a scholarship I’ll come to see you.” Actually, you don’t need to do that. If you’ve won a scholarship, you can buy something for yourself, or your family members. You can use it to make your daily life that much more livable. Later when you’ve graduated and found a job, and have the ability to make money of your own- you can come to watch my concert then. You don’t need to rush. I can wait for you. LYN: But- it’s going to happen next year, so you can start filling your piggy banks with money. I think it’s quite fun. The first concert I watched- other than my own- was… Mao Buyi’s or Mayday? I forgot the order. Was it MBY? It must have been MBY first, then Mayday second. Last time, I was also a special guest for Zhang Bichen’s concert. After I went to her concert, I wanted to have my own. I just think that of having people line up and wait to enter the venue… when I saw that image I was touched. All these people have come for a singer that they like, like a big gathering. And a concert is a lot different than seeing people perform on a regular stage. I’ve been to all sorts of stages, and when you’re on stage singing, you sort of get the feeling like you’re just a performer. You’re only just a singer. I don’t know if describing it that way is the best. But at your own concert, around 70-80% of the people there are there for YOU. Even if you’re on stage and you tell a joke that’s maybe not very funny- everyone in the audience will still have fun. They’ll indulge you. LYN: They’ll be excited. I saw clip from someone else’s concert- for example, if they hate this artist’s company. The artist was thanking their company, and the audience members were shouting “Go out of business!” Or: Artist: “Thank you Sina Weibo.” Audience: THANK YOU!” LYN: They’re really enjoying it. I just think that having all these people here for you, to share your feelings and to be influenced by you- that sort of passion is something I really enjoy. LYN: That “Go out of business!” was louder than anything else. It was amusing. As a viewer myself, I could feel that the whole mood was really “high”. Very interesting.

57:30 C: Lao-da, you’re thinner. LYN: When I was an actor, I would think of scenarios on how to respond to you. But now as a singer whenever you say something to me, I can only think of one song: “Brother, you’ve gotten thinner. You look exhausted.” (lyrics to 兄弟抱一下) But really, I’ve not gotten thinner. I’m still the same, because I’ve been trying more or less to maintain this weight.

59:00 - /he’s trending, so he (and Daimi) thank the fans/

1:00:00 C: Ning-ge, for your concert, can you be your own organizer? LYN: You sure have some wild ambition. This is like going into a restaurant to eat hotpot, then coming out of it wanting to make your own hotpot shop. It’s like eating a dish and saying, “I can cook this, too!” If you walk into a clothing shop, you’d say, “I can make this, too!” If you buy a bag, you’ll say, “I can sew this, too.” There are things that you can’t do. If you see someone act in a drama, you’d say, “I can shoot that drama, too!” What I’m trying to get at is that there are professionals for a reason. Things aren’t as easy as you may think. LYN: I know someone has done it before, though. But even though I’m not the organizer I still have the authority to make decisions, because this is MY concert. I tell them how I want it to go and a whole team helps to make it happen. // It’s not like before, when I was singing by the side of the road. All I needed then was a laptop, two instrumentalists, and two boxes. - at least 10 stops, if not more

1:02:53 C: Lao-da, are your headphones on the wrong way? LYN: Are they? Whatever. But it’s written here- Left-Right. This is right (pointing at “L”). Oh? This is right?!? In the mirror image, this is “R”, so it’s on my right side. They’re flipped.

1:04:32 C: Where’s your hat? LYN: What do you mean?? Does my hair look bad today? Friends- you can monitor me- I used to not care about how I looked, but these days I’ve been taking special care about it. Today’s look is all about the “foolish boy at the village entrance.” There’s a character here. I’m not only a singer and an actor, but on normal days I also give myself a character. Today I am the foolish boy at the village entrance. The type whose family has a lot of land and money, but the child is not too bright. That’s me. - C: Lao-da, will you invite Zhang Bichen to your concert? LYN: I don’t know. I’ll have to see if she has time. If she does, then she’ll come. If she doesn’t, then forget it. We’ll see. - C: This type of person is just lacking the drool. LYN: What do you mean? Let me tell you- I can put this online and have you morally kidnapped. What- are you looking down on people whose intelligence is not very high? - C: Invite Xiao Qi-ge. (Ren Xianqi) LYN: We’ll see when the time comes. I probably will invite him, though. Honestly… I had invited him to the Wuhan stop, last time. We had just finished with WMDG and I invited him and he very nicely agreed to come. But… then it couldn’t happen. I will definitely invite him when I finally get this going. We even had the song picked out! We were going to sing 后来.

1:09:25 LYN: I’ve discovered that people really care about my face. Maybe it’s because I’ve been showing up a lot lately. Someone asked if I went to get double-eyelid surgery. My eyes have not changed- neither bigger nor smaller- so what would be the point if I HAD gotten the surgery?? Merely to add another wound? I haven’t gotten anything done. And ALSO- no one gets them cut anymore. I can tell you’re not in the business. Everyone nowadays does “mai xian” (bury thread). If you don’t like it you can take it out and redo it. If you want it this thick /measures with his fingers/ you can do that. Later when it’s not trendy anymore you can take that out and change it. Who uses knives, nowadays??

1:11:10 C: Can you play 阿楚姑娘 (A-Chu Guniang) next?  LYN: I can do that. Maybe I can do a reaction. That was fun. Hold on- let me see if I can make it happen. I don’t know if it will go on a vertical screen, but horizontal is usually fine. I can! LYN: This song is called 阿楚姑娘- I remember a long time ago that- no, forget it. I shouldn’t say. This ep was livestreamed, and I really like it because 1. it’s fun (you’ll feel nervous and excited), and 2. it’s fast. You just record the song then leave. LYN: I was really nervous singing this song. A lot of you may know that the hardest part of a male-female duet is the decision of key, because our ranges are different. Especially with Shila-laoshi. She’s amazing- her high notes are awesome and her technique is strong. But me? I can’t do high notes. I’m a mid-tone through and through. So it was difficult for us to pick a key. The first note especially- since we started in the female key- was hard to find. I look relaxed- with my eyes closed- but in reality I was listening for the beat. I was super nervous. It was a livestream, so if you sang badly it would be out there. The internet would give you an instant reaction. 1:16:42 LYN: That day- honestly speaking, I am not a very technical singer. There are singers with good technique, but I am not one of them. My technique is not very strong. I don’t even know what my strong points are. In any case, even though I do not use techniques I think my singing that day was pretty good. Of course, there were mistakes- there’s no way there are zero mistakes. Shila-laoshi had none, though. :) I was talking about myself. There are bound to be mistakes made, on my part. That section just now was okay though. - /comments on where he made a mistake/didn’t execute a note well/ LYN: Okay, that’s enough. “Emotional/Sensitive Boy” is done. I just thought that I hadn’t done as well as I had during rehearsals. It’s okay though- for a livestream, it’s enough to just make it through the song. 

1:19:55 - starts pointing out all the things that went wrong with 一路上有你 (You and Me On the Road) LYN: It’s not a difficult song, but- let me tell you about it. She (Ms.OOJA) sang very well- stable, in tune, and with technique. The tone of her voice is very nice. /pauses where he comes in/ Very low. I remember very clearly that the first time we rehearsed for this song, I couldn’t find the right key, which ate at me. It’s so LOW! I was dazed when I first heard it. Later I thought about it some more and was able to execute.

1:25:50 - doesn’t play 赤裸裸 bc there was a problem with the sound receiving. The fancam is fine, but on the broadcast version there’s a sound delay.

1:26:40 C: Do 这蔚蓝 (Azure). LYN: Nah. // It was a hard song. I won’t do a reaction, though. If it were me in the past I would, but now… I don’t dare to say anything. When I used to say things, it was as a joke or or entertainment. But now if you say one wrong thing and cross someone, it can become a huge problem. C: Ning-ge, then tell us secretly. LYN: Is this what you mean? If I say it in a small voice, then people won’t know- is that it? LYN: It’s nothing. I can do a reaction to it, I just don’t have any particularly strong impression. It’s normal. I liked it. Why don’t we do it? For fun. LYN: This song is difficult- to me. The key is a little high for me, then I use falsetto, then I have to come back and continue. It’s difficult for me to sing- I was under a lot of pressure. I look like I’m feeling the song but really I’m very nervous. You think the frown on my face is because my heart is full of melancholy, but it’s actually full of nerves. // When I close my eyes, I’m actually looking to the feeling. I have to separate myself from the world, leaving only me and the music. I have to close my eyes so I don’t see the masses of other people’s fans in the audience. I don’t want to see them picking their fingers- it’ll affect my performance. So I close my eyes to block out the rest of the world. But here comes the headache: when you close your eyes, you can no longer see the lyrics on the prompter. So I still have to open my eyes. - /narrates how he’s feeling/what he’s thinking during the rest of the song/ LYN: When I’m streaming, just listen to what I’m saying for entertainment. Please don’t take it seriously.

1:33:20 - /reaction to 你敢吗 (Do You Dare?)/ LYN: I wasn’t as nervous for this song, because it’s more or less in my comfort zone. LYN: When people are singing you have to do it with feeling. What you want to express with this type of song is the feeling. You have to enter a state of mind. If you sing it normally, It’d be like this: /soulless singing/. But for this song you have to enter a state of mind; when you’re singing, you’re actually brainwashing yourself. Deceive yourself. - /at the buildup/ LYN: Actually, I didn’t prepare well for this part. You didn’t hear it, did you? This part was too loose. In the previous part I wanted to find that loose feeling- it’s different from relaxed- that feeling that you’re really into the music and the emotion- the weariness towards life, that yearning/searching for light, that painstaking process. But for this line- I was too carefree in the previous part and the next thing I knew- the next line up was so long! I wasn’t prepared but I still took a secret breath. But at the end of the line I didn’t have enough breath left. Listen- // I didn’t have breath here, but with my years of stage experience, I timed my breath with the pause well enough that you couldn’t hear that there was a break. - /stops trying to explain himself, because he’s not “professional”/ LYN: To anyone watching my stream who has a profession in music- these are just my immature thoughts- I am not a professional/I am not learned in music. I learned how to cook. All of my understanding of music is just from years of personal experience, so I hope the professional musicians out there can… not pick on me. // Also- I am only commenting/judging myself.

1:40:58 --- Break #1

1:46:45 C: My dad says that you are a “kid with positive energy” LYN: Thank you, uncle. I AM a kid with positive energy. You’re right. C: My mom says you LOOK very positive energy. LYN: /laughs/ That sounds… complicated. I don’t know how to respond to that. What do you mean I LOOK very positive energy? What does that look like?

1:48:09 LYN: I came on tonight because it’s been a long time since I last streamed and I wanted to chat with you. If there’s anything you want to chat with me about, you can let me know. I’ve been on a lot of stages and everything lately- and even did some reaction video. When I get the chance I want to react to regular variety shows, too. It’s content, and I can watch a show with everyone. We can comment on celebrities and make snide remarks about LYN, etc. 1:48:57 C: Ning-ge, have you been on a travel variety? LYN: Hey, now that you mention it! If there’s an opportunity, I would go. 

1:49:14 C: Ge, can you buy a phone case for me? LYN: I can’t do that. For anyone who comes into my stream and starts wanting stuff from me- you can leave. Who asks for a prize for watching a stream? This reminds me of years ago when I was singing on the street. - /describes how some local shops would commission the Modern Bros to promote their shop/hand out items for them. People weren’t there to listen to him sing, they were there to collect the free things he was passing out./ LYN: As long as I held on to the items with one hand and the mic in the other, they couldn’t leave. (in the break between verses, he would hand them out again). C: Why does that sound so sad? LYN: I don’t think there’s anything sad about it. That’s just life. It was the normal life of a young man who wanted to pursue music. Sometimes- I’m not trying to complain- /stops playing Westlife bc it makes it sound pitying/ I’m willing to share this with you. I’m thankful for the experiences I went through. Including singing on the street, grilling corn, being a waiter, being an attendant in the bath house, selling clothes, and even starting my own stall. I think these are all good experiences. To the me now, they were good experiences. I’m sure that there are people out there now, who are going through what I did. These experiences were good for me because they let me see all sorts of things- human nature and how to make a living. These things gave me experience and motivation. Whether for my acting or singing, these experiences are of a great help. LYN: I don’t think it’s sad, because my situation has turned for the better now.

1:54:52 - 寻岸 (Search For Shore) [Dark Night and Dawn OST] LYN: Because I was working on my album, I had collected a bunch of demos and I quite liked this song. But I didn’t choose it at the time because I didn’t want my album to sound too depressing. I liked it, but not enough to put it on my album, but at the same time I REALLY liked it. I was conflicted. So of the two songs I had, I picked the other one to put onto my album, and let this one go. Later a drama reached out to me, asking me to sing the OST- and it was this song! What a coincidence! // Originally, I would have spent money to make my album, but with this job I’m actually making money! What a happy coincidence. So I gladly sang this OST for them. C: It was meant to be yours. LYN: Yes. You get that feeling sometimes, once you hear it you’ll think “this sounds like mine.” - /shows off his new filters/ - /broke his camera’s focus again X’D/

2:02:23 C: This is too funny. My cheeks hurt. LYN: Such an amazing performance and you think it was funny?? What artists’ stream does this to them? Is there ANY normal artist out there who does this? You think it’s funny? Shouldn’t you be thinking that it’s amazing?? Isn’t this too wonderful??? Shouldn’t you be clapping for me??!! LYN: Your words are making me think that I am just a clown. C: You’re not a clown, you’re handsome (xiao shuai). LYN: /meme/ Pay attention, this man is called “xiao shuai”-

2:03:58 C: Ning-ge, that line “Woman, you’re playing with fire”- did you add that in yourself? LYN: You saw the ZLYM trailer and are now asking me if I added that line in? I don’t dare to respond! People are going to start saying that I added scenes for myself. I can’t take more of that. LYN: Now when I’m acting, sometimes I can have an improvised response, but I don’t dare to say them out loud. I don’t want someone to grab the script later and say, “That line wasn’t in there. LYN, you’re adding scenes for yourself now?? You must have resources backing you, and that’s why you have the gall to add your own scenes.” It’s a trauma for me now. LYN: But I did actually add that line. You might think it’s unreasonable or incongruous now, but when you’re watching the drama you’ll see that it fits.

2:06:00 LYN: I’m joking. I’m not adding scenes, but- I don’t know when it started that you have to follow the script strictly. When actors are on the scene, all of us will improvise sometimes. There’s no way we can stick to the script 100%. Actors have their own understanding and expression, and are able to play with improv. A lot of drama interactions are not scripted- but based off our interactions with each other; they’re all created with director’s input, though. I was joking when I said that I don’t dare to add scenes for myself, because actually it has nothing to do with that. As long as I act my own role well, I don’t care about much else. Because it’s not something I can influence either way. The only thing I can do is play my own part, and if I have any ideas I will bring it up with the director. After getting permission, then I actually express them. All of my ideas are to better fulfill my role. As an actor, you need to find ways for the audience to remember you. // I don’t want to talk about this in too much detail, because I don’t understand it (not learned). It’s just things that I have observed after these many years of filming. - /talks about a time a director wanted him to act- “There are no lines for this scenes. Just sit here. You’re drinking. You can chat about whatever you want to.” and how the last time he felt like this was with SYXSSYX when Li Muge (director) wanted him to act a scene three different ways. You have to use your understanding of the character to act instinctually./ - /thinks this is fun for lesser known actors, though. he prefers that the director or acting partner allows space for creativity and improv., because he has a quicker reaction time and his automatic responses can be fun and more accurate/real than what’s scripted./

2:10:40 LYN: Friends, have you noticed that there are rules for awards ceremonies, now? They don’t want you to say “fans”, you have to say “song appreciators.”

2:12:00 C: Why is there a scar on your chest? LYN: How do you know there’s a scar on my chest?? Were you the doctor that gave me my physical? LYN: Oh, I know- that time I took a pic with Shila and my collar was a little wide, so you saw a spot on my chest. Well, since you already know about it I might as well tell you. Many of you have discovered that there is a so-called “scar” on my chest. The truth is- this is a long story. I’ll make it short. Some people think it’s a birthmark, but it’s not. /exaggerating/ I really don’t want to recall this experience, it hurts too much. Birthmark… Someone else’s pain comes out of your mouth as just a simple “birthmark.” That’s so shallow! This event happened about a month ago. I woke up one day and I don’t know why, but I really wanted to eat hotpot. - /tldr; he ended up getting a blister (?)  that wouldn’t go away and has now reduced to a dark colored spot/ 2:17:58 - /discussing the position of the blister(?), and why it grew on his chest when usually they appear on the butt./ - (in summary) LYN: Are we really going to go there? Or should we discuss- from a medical understanding/perspective? And if we really do discuss this, would it affect my market value? 2:19:55 - /afraid that there are new fans who have come into the stream because he looks like an interesting person in interviews and during his dramas, but they listen to the stream and find him talking about weird medical stuff instead./ C: Then you’ll have gained a fan because of it. LYN: You must be sick! You have nothing else to be a fan of, so you become a fan of a blister?? - /confesses that though he found it disgusting at first, he got addicted to watching ear-cleaning videos… and blackhead plucking videos. >.> As well as carpet cleaning, and restoration videos (slightly more normal territory)./ - doesn’t watch ocean-catching, because he grew up by a river and has done it himself. - will watch hoof trimming videos, but not human callous removal ones - not interested in watching mukbangs.

2:25:25 - actually, wants to be a content creator. if you do it right, you can make a lot of money. C: You can be the type that roasts people/things. LYN: I was roasted myself not too long ago… They get really high views, though. MY highest viewed video doesn’t even reach the highest view count from a video roasting me. It doesn’t really have to be very professional, either- the video’s can look this like: /pulls up some filters/ “Where does LYN find the courage to shoot historical dramas? How is he even qualified to work opposite these actors??” LYN: I was disappointed with the app, so I barely even open it anymore. 2:27:30 LYN: But something fun is that I used to watch those reaction videos, of people’s complaints about dramas/the actors. “This script is unreasonable” or “this actor didn’t do a good job”- I would watch those videos secretly. I didn’t dare to watch them out in the open. I was afraid my friends would find out and break ties with me. Sometimes when I watched videos of them roasting my friends, I would be watching seriously. Not to make fun of them (!); because I understand my friends. But who would have thought that starting last year the main star in these videos would become myself. It’s an interesting feeling. LYN: There were some uploaders, whose videos I would watch according to their upload schedule. That week I continuously kept seeing myself. In a fit, I blocked them all. I had even given them money before! GIVE IT BACK TO ME!! // I started on this app to find happiness. I have a membership! I PAID for this?! LYN: I’m joking. Please don’t take it seriously. Honestly, most of these creators rely on ad revenue to make money. Yet others can be bought and commissioned to make controversial videos. I found about this fairly recently. One of my friend’s drama was airing, and it was being terribly ridiculed. The company thought they could contact some creators and pay them to create more positive videos of the drama. These creators have some morals, and said that they would only accept a fraction of the pay. Because they had already accepted money to create the negative videos in the first place, they would not accept money to now create a positive video which would essentially slap themselves in the face. In the end there weren’t any creators who made more positive videos of the drama later. LYN: It’s interesting and there was a time I thought it would be fun if I was also in that line of business. At the very least, there are people with morality who follow the rules. If you accept one side’s money, you do not accept the opposing side’s as well. Unlike some paparazzi, who sell a set of photos to a fan then later sell the same photos to another one. There’s no morality in that.

2:32:15 C: Ning-ge, how is the album coming along? LYN: It’s the same as it has been. That is- it’s almost finished. Very soon! It’s always the two words, “very soon”! I’m working on it. I’ve been on a music variety program lately- as you all know- if you watch you can tell that picking a song in this industry is a difficult thing to do. The songwriters who were even able to be ON the show are already very amazing. They’re already known in the industry. I’ve worked with most of them before, and will ask them for songs. When they send something over, it doesn’t mean that the song isn’t good, just that the song doesn’t suit me. I still have to release songs that I like, after all. You can’t just tell me to record and release a song that I don’t even like. It’s hard for me to find one that I like, and when I do I’ll keep it and sing it. C: What are you recording? LYN: Songs from my album- some that I’ve collaborated with others on, and OSTs mostly. C: How many songs are you still lacking? LYN: Two. I recorded one, but still need two more. I asked a friend the other day for a song and I’m considering it. I’m hesitating. But it’s no problem. It’ll be quick. LYN: You all still have songs to listen to, right? I’ve been releasing OSTs. For all the dramas that will be airing in the near future- I’ve pretty much sung an OST for all of them. That includes ZLYM, and also.. I think Fangs of Fortune is airing? I don’t know anything officially- I just know what I see on the internet. I also get my news from yxh accounts. I find out when my own dramas are airing from yxh, too. C: When is ZLYM airing? LYN: I don’t remember. Why don’t you go look it up? I don’t know, either- I also find out through yxh.

2:25:20 - replies to a comment on cutting his hair- it’s “to make me look younger” - won’t stream for too long, just wants to chat and test his new equipment; mentions he should either adjust the settings or find different equipment for the stream. LYN: I used the search term: “lighting and equipment for a visual male streamer” /laughs/. I’m joking. I just looked up “(livestream) equipment” but there was an article for tips on lighting for a male streamer, so I clicked in to secretly learn. Then I bought a bunch of lights and stuff. But now I’m realizing it doesn’t really work. C: Ning-ge, there are people who can adjust the settings for you. LYN: Me? If they adjust my settings for me- wouldn’t they recognize me?? Or you want me to wear a mask- the Spiderman mask- for them to adjust to that they won’t recognize me? But that would defeat the purpose of an adjustment. C: Turn on a filter. LYN: What’s the point, then?? - /likens it to when you’re on stage and the sound technicians want to adjust your mic and sound settings, but instead of speaking normally, you’re quacking like a duck./

2:39:16 C: I really like the drama with you and Tao-jie, Be Your Own Light. LYN: Thank you. I didn’t have very many scenes, but I did enjoy shooting them. I gained a lot from that drama. It was my first proper modern drama. Shooting with all the laoshi you can really learn a lot! Tao-jie took good care of me, and we get along well. That’s why during the promotions and livestream we were able to make jokes with each other. C: Will you accept scripts for modern dramas? LYN: Of course. But for right now I want to come back to being a singer. My own thinking is that as soon as two more of my dramas start airing, I will start with acting again. Right now is a good time for me to come back to being a singer, because I still have a lot of my “song appreciators” out there.  C: What will your next drama be? LYN: I have accepted any yet! I have scripts but I haven’t looked through them. I’ll leave it for now, and look at the scripts when I have some time. If there are any suitable dramas for me among them, then I’ll start making arrangements. I want to be a singer now, though. I want to work on being a streamer, too. I want to be able to sing when I have time, act, and also stream a little on the side.

2:42:20 C: Ning-ge, you’re dazzling when you’re on the stage. LYN: You mean that now I’m just average? I’m not very shiny right now? What about if I turn on a filter? Do I look a little brilliant now? - /playing with filters/ - Fall in Love - /ends up with a… “soaking in water” filter, LOL/

2:47:40 -- break #2

2:53:35 LYN: I just remembered I bought something that I haven’t shown off to you yet. Hold on a second… - /comes back with a zootopia nick wilde hat on/ 2:55:53 LYN: Hello, children! // Oh, my goodness! What are you doing? LYN: I had bought the bunny hat, and this one. The last time I went to Disney, I didn’t buy them. I cant remember if they were out of stock, or what. But I went again this time so I bought them. - /chatting about having fun and relaxing at the park/ C: You must have been tired from taking photos with everyone. LYN: That part was okay. I was more worried about blocking the foot-traffic and affecting other people’s time in the park. I’m not saying I’m a big celebrity or anything- the fact that people want to take pictures with me means that at least they think I’m worthy of it. If you want to take a picture with me, that’s no problem. The thing is though, no matter how big of a celebrity you are, inside the park there’s no way you’ll be more popular than Minnie Mouse. Can you be as popular as Donald Duck? Right? So I didn’t want to make myself out like some hotshot celebrity, and make a ruckus while taking photos with people in the park. You SHOULD be taking photos with LinaBell. Who am I?? LYN: Since you wanted to, I took some photos. But for the most part I just wanted to walk around. You kept coming in waves, and honestly that did make me want to run away. That’s why I ended up not having as much fun, so I left. C: You didn’t have fun? LYN: It has nothing to do with “fun.” I mean- there’s really not much to do after you’ve been on the rides once. Mainly I go just to walk around and be surrounded by the happy and excited atmosphere. I’m there the relax, not to have fun. Something simple like walking around and eating a popsicle made me happy. C: Ning-ge, next time go secretly. LYN: Did I announce it to anyone this time around or something?? Did I post a weibo to someone, saying that I was going? I didn’t.

3:01:00 - /talks about the Wuhan concert stop. He’ll prob do two stops- one for the show he owes (2019), and one for the new tour./ LYN: I discussed this earlier, didn’t I? All the tickets for that stop had sold, but by now I’m sure that many of those people have stopped being my fan or forgotten. This time when I hold the stop I owe, all the tickets will be sold out but there will only be 100 people in the audience. X’D That’d be pretty funny, actually. C: Ning-ge, can I get in without a ticket? LYN: I don’t know what you mean. Are you trying to play the pity card with me? “Ning-ge, I’m a student. I don’t have a ticket, but can I watch your concert?” You’re like those customers who try to haggle down something that’s being sold for $5k down to $500 because “I’m a student”. I don’t know if that’s doable. Usually when I watch a concert, I have to show a ticket. How about this- why don’t you go to the entrance and try it? Tell the office that you don’t have a ticket but you want to watch the concert, so will they let you in? I’m not watching the doors, so you’ll have to ask one of the employees. I don’t really know. C: I’ll be watching the front door- can I go watch? LYN: You mean that you’re the person checking the tickets? But if you come in to watch the concert, who will be watching the doors?! With no one watching the doors, ANYONE can come in.

3:04:30 C: It’s okay, I still have some hair. You can pull it. LYN: What does this mean? Actually what you want to say is, “It’s okay, Ning-ge. Hold your concert. I have some money left in my pocket, and can buy a ticket to support you.” It’s actually a good thing. But they’re want to burden me with the way they phrased it. It seems like you want to be a talk show actor. // So another way of saying it is that because I decided to hold a concert, I’m over here pulling your hair? (like it’s his fault) This burden… this doesn’t sound like a joke. That is- it’s not a very funny comment. LYN: My fans should all know that I’m cool. I don’t really want to pull your hair, and I wouldn’t find it polite to do so. That’s why most of the time my songs are all free, and why I don’t accept business proposals and all that complicated stuff. 

3:06:50 C: Ning-ge, how about this. If I can’t or am unable to buy a ticket, sing louder. That way I can hear from outside the stadium. LYN: If they let me, I can do that. As long as it doesn’t disturb the public, I could  connect to speakers on the outside. You can stand outside and “watch”- that’s okay with me. As long as it’s allowed. But I don’t think it will be allowed. If it were a sports venue with an open top, that would probably be okay. The problem is that mine will probably be held in a closed venue. It’s sealed and soundproof. C: Ning-ge, I’m a college student and wiling to go be a volunteer. LYN: I’m not in charge of outsourcing, so there’s no point in telling me that.

3:07:50 C: Ning-ge, do you like watching talkshows? LYN: I haven’t ever seen one live, but I’ve come across clips online. 

3:08:27 C: I’ll go dance for you. LYN: Um… I want to tell you something, and it’s not because I’m looking down on you- let me take my glasses off so I can tell you seriously- I’m not looking down on you, nor do I think you’re not worthy to dance for me. That’s not it. It’s because I have to sell tickets for this performance. Stage setting, sound, etc. These are things people are paying to see. It’s not a joke, and not just a fun dance in the square. I’m not just setting up a pair of speakers in a courtyard and dancing. It’s not the same level. You can dance for me, but you’d have to be a professional dancer. LYN: Or, how about you attend my concert, and you can dance from your seat? Only the hands. Just don’t stand up, or the security guards might kick you out. You can sit off the stage (in the seats) and dance. Okay?

3:10:10 C: Is there a discount for students? LYN: I don’t know about the concert ticket, but you can probably get a discount on the train ticket. I’m not sure, because I’ve never had a student certification. I’ve never used one, so I don’t know.  Because I went to school in the same place, and I didn’t go to college.

3:11:00 C: A four-sided stage! LYN: I went to ZBC’s concert and sang on her four-sided stage. I think the good thing is that… You can see from anywhere, and there are more front row seats. :) That means I can sell more of the more expensive front-row tickets. I’m joking. What I wanted to say is that all four sides have a “front row.” In a normal concert there’s only the one front-facing row of front-row seats. You’d be missing out on selling those tickets because there aren’t enough seats. That’s a joke, okay? LYN: The good thing is that the distance is closer- you can be closer to more people. I don’t know what the bad thing would be... I just wasn’t used to it. I went to- to cameo. What am I, acting? I went to be a special guest and I felt like I had to keep moving around. I was going from here to there and back- just wandering around the whole time. I’m just not used to it. We’ll see if I ever hold one like that, but for now I don’t think I can accept it. If singing doesn’t make me tired, walking across the stage will. The stages that extend into the crowd are okay, but if it’s just four-sided and there’s nothing to do but walk around- like shopping- I wouldn’t be accustomed to it. I still need a big screen for a background, so it can show things. 

- /he’ll be tearing off his shirt when he’s 60, like he promised. right now he’s making enough money to buy the shirts./ - /daimi just ate, so he’ll show us her later./ - /was going to talk about the music festival but… doesn’t know/doesn’t dare to say anything/

3:16:05 C: Ning-ge, didn’t you say you would go on music varieties often? LYN: Music varieties are actually hard. The hardest part- especially for music variety shows- is to seek investment/funding. Many shows have come for me the past two years; but if they don’t have the funding they’re never going to take off. If you think about it, there haven’t been many music variety shows lately. I was on WMDG, which is DragonTV but they’re and old customer/frequently worked with. The other one I’m on is Melody Journey, which is also very good. I’m not saying that because I already recorded with them and now I need to shower my praises. It’s because they’re doing something I think is really meaningful. The cast is great- objectively speaking, and excluding myself- they’re well-known in the industry and have their own representative works. The singer-songwriters are also well-known! I don’t mean to criticize or compare, but you’ll notice that in most of the other shows we’re only just singing covers. There hasn’t been a program for original music in many years. There hasn’t been a way to show off new music in quite some time, unlike how with the short content media where one old song becomes popular, played over and over for a week or half a month, then blows over again. A show for original content is rare and risky. As a singer, the fact that such a program exists, is meaningful and it takes a lot of courage to pull off. LYN: With covers, the song already has a base popularity. Just like with novels. If you buy the rights for an already popular novel- hold on, why did I bring acting into this? The thing is if you find an already popular song to cover, everyone would have already heard it. But with original music, they’re all NEW songs and it’s the first time people are hearing them. If they’re good, great! If they’re not good, you’ll never hear it again. Even if a song isn’t that good, once it’s made it to the short video platform and you listen to it on repeat for a few loops you might even start to like it. I just think that a show like this is very meaningful. 

3:20:30 C: You’ll be singing 偷心 tomorrow. LYN: Who told you that? Don’t make assumptions about my stage performances. LYN: I’ll be singing this song tomorrow- 奇妙惊喜 (Magical Surprise). That’s why I’m listening to it now- so I can practice. C: They already released a video of the rehearsal. LYN: I know. That’s only a portion. Actually I’m singing 18 songs tomorrow and that’s one of them.

3:21:38 C: Does the Liu Group Business Empire have more episodes? LYN: You like to hear me tell stories? There are no more episodes. LYN: You’re just a normal person, so don’t even think about trying to make any connections with the Liu Group. /slap/

3:22:20 C: Ning-ge, did you change your headphones? LYN: Wow, your attention to detail is amazing. These are such big headphones- can you not tell that they’re new? I feel like I’m dressed for winter! (wearing earmuffs) C: Your stage earbuds. LYN: You’re so attentive, you even know about that? I went to record for a program and brought a sound technician with me, who asked me what type of earbuds I was using. I told them which ones I was using (from before), and they let me know that there’s a new model out and let me try theirs. They had just received them from abroad, and would let me borrow them. So I tried them, and I couldn’t tell if they were good or bad. But I figured I’d been using the old pair for six years and it was about time to change. So I told them I would use theirs for the show and to become accustomed to them. Later, I asked them to buy a pair for me. At first they wanted to gift me theirs, but I told them not to because they’re expensive. So, I changed my earbuds. The new ones are more suited to live shows. C: What about the in-ears? LYN: I didn’t buy customized in-ears. Because then you’d need to get a kit and take a mold of your ear, then send it back to America to be made and sent back. I just bought a standard pair- just like one you would normally use, with the universal large or small. It’s all good- there’s not much of a difference. 3:25:40 C: Why are you wearing headphones to livestream? LYN: For appearances. Actually, there’s no sound coming from them. 1. For appearances and 2. My house is cold, so I’m wearing them to warm my ears. LYN: Kidding! Some of you my not know, so let me explain. With the headphones, I can hear myself talk and also the music. Everything you hear- is what I hear. I can monitor with these, as I need to hear what I’m saying. Sometimes I’ll sing, and instead of going through the trouble to set up a pair of speakers here, I can just listen to the track through my headphones instead. Before, I was wearing the earbuds and it was the same thing.

3:27:00 - /figuring out how long he’s streamed for, and how much longer/ LYN: Honestly it’s been a long time since I streamed last, and I’m not really in the right mood for it. I hope for your understanding, and when I’m in the mood I will come to stream again and we’ll have proper fun. // I just feel like I’m slow in thinking and I also don’t dare to say as much anymore. One of the things is that my drama is about to air soon, and I don’t want to say anything “explosive” that will negatively affect my work. So I’m trying to control myself, otherwise I might say something you might take offense to and then I’ll be in trouble again. I’ll give you an example, you may or may not understand: Let’s say there’s this thing- and I comment that LYN is ugly. If the thing comes true, it has nothing to do with me, because LYN is ugly. If it doesn’t come true, it DOES have to do with me, because LYN is ugly. I don’t want to take the blame, whether it’s a success or not.

3:30:15 C: Are you in Hengdian? LYN: I’m… (in Hengdian) in Beijing. Why? Do you want to come over and hit me? C: I’ll go ambush you tomorrow. Watch yourself. LYN: The internet isn’t a lawless place. If I report you, please undertand me. You can insult me, but you can’t threaten me.

3:31:35 C: Ning-ge, could you act as the big bad villain? LYN: /amused/ Because I don’t look like a good person, or what? If I act as a good Samaritan, it looks out of place?? Wasn’t there someone earlier whose dad said I looked like a person with positive energy??? Or was it their mom? And now you want me to act as a villain.

3:32:45 C: Ning-ge, I want to see you act in a comedy. LYN: That’s too hard. It’s the most difficult… So.. If there’s a chance, I guess. Let me hone my skills more, let me learn more. I will never think I’m good enough. LYN: Let me tell you, there’s this way of thinking- it’s also what I tell myself- I think people- no, I shouldn’t say this. I’ll tell you later.

3:33:33 C: What’s good to eat in Zhejiang? LYN: How would I know?? I don��t know. Why don’t you go to a public forum and look it up? Download a tourism app or something. Why would I know- I’m not from Zhejiang. I’m from Liaoning, Dandong. I’ve only ever been in Hengdian, and it’s just a town/city. - /but: transportation and delivery are fast, and restaurants are opened by people from all over. so you can get whatever you want whenever you want./

3:34:55 C: Can you talk about Melody Journey? LYN: I did earlier, didn’t I? It’s great. Normally we split into two parts for recording- first half on site with all the guests, and then the second half for performances we’ll go to Macau. C: Will there be a second season? LYN: I think so, because it’s a great program. Jiangsu is good at making music-varieties. But it’s really hard to say. This is like when people ask me if there’ll be a season 3 for KSTLB. If a program has enough funds/investors then any of them can come to fruition. So, to the person who asked this question, please work hard to create a business that’s as good as the Liu Group’s Business Empire. Then, you can invest as you wish. Just invest in whatever you want to watch. Okay? So study well and work hard. I hope that one day you can have a business empire as impressive as the Liu Group’s. 

3:36:40 C: Lao-da, when I have money I’ll ask you to be my producer. LYN: So what you mean is that you don’t think I’m suited for acting? /laughs/ I’m joking! LYN: You want me to be the producer so I can call the shots and pick my own director and actors? That’ll work. I hope you make a lot of money and when that time comes I’ll work for you.

3:27:15 C: Can you improve your acting a little? LYN: I’ve always been working on it! I’m always learning. My progress is already pretty quick, considering I’m just a cook. I know that the audience has no reason to wait for me, but I really am trying- learning how to perform and say my lines. I’m working hard on it. I don’t like to say anything about it, because I think that telling people that “I’m working so hard” is.. (pretentious). This friend, if you watch every one of my dramas, you’ll discover that I am improving over time. You can watch them, okay? My performance in later dramas is much different than in the beginning. I’ve started to act… randomly. That’s a joke!! I can’t tell you any nonsense with this. I DO improve in my later dramas, so I hope you can continue to follow me. I’m not like what you’ve seen before. 

3:38:40 LYN: But sometimes actors… /thinks about not finishing his thought/ Actors aren’t the most important part of the crew. Because there are a lot of things we don’t even have a say in- wardrobe, makeup, props. The only thing you can do anything with are the lines you’re given. There’s nothing I- at this point in my career- can do about it. I can’t influence what’s written in the script. LYN: Also, I’m the one being chosen, so I’m not that great. That’s why I hope you can make a lot of money so that I can be a producer instead. Jiayou. Work on your business empire. 3:40:30 C: Ning-ge, if someone invests and makes you a producer, can you let me act? LYN: You want to be a celebrity? Let me ask you something first- can you bear getting yelled at? The first thing you have to do is have a strong mental fortitude in order to work in this industry. All other data comes after. The first step to getting in this door is whether or not you can withstand being yelled at. You can say, “I have a thick skin. I can take it.” It’s nothing like what you’re thinking. It’s not just curse words. If it were, then I’d be more than ok.

3:42:10 C: Can you say anything about the SJYM trailer? LYN: I think it’s good, right? You all saw it. There’s not much else to say, because if I say more I would be spoiling the drama. It’s just a story about transmigrating into a script and it’s a bit… satirical. It plays on a lot of drama tropes. LYN: I’m sure a lot of of you have seen historical dramas, and particularly historical-idol dramas. For example when the FL is in danger, then the ML will always pop out of nowhere to save her. There are a few methods of saving her but one of them is: Grab them by the waist and turn in the air, time freezes. The FL is looking at the ML, and the ML looks determinedly ahead. In that moment, she’s reeled in and the plot begins. There are always these types of scenes, and every drama has it. The whole “hero saves the beauty” trope. Honestly, and I’ve said this before, we’ve been doing television dramas for such a long time now- is there anything we HAVEN’T seen yet? That’s something a director’s also told me. The only thing that changes is how it’s executed. C: What hasn’t been filmed before? LYN: I will amend my earlier comment to say, “Is there anything we haven’t seen yet, *that can even be filmed in the first place.” Now we have a limit. Is there anything that’s ALLOWED that we haven’t seen yet? We’ve seen it all. LYN: I’ve also done guzhuang dramas, so I know- most of them all have a lantern festival. It’s either Mid-Autumn Festival or Spring/Lantern Festival. There’s always lanterns. I guess people in old time’s only entertainment was to look at lanterns. But every drama has it. - /also: water lanterns, tanghulu, scenes were there’s an imminent execution but someone stops it at the last minute, etc./ LYN: The point of this drama is to play on all of these tropes and flip the script.  - /discusses more examples: tournaments to win the lady’s hand in marriage (he forgot he had to do this with Hao Du); when the FL/ML jump off a cliff but they never die (but no one cares about supporting roles)- there’s either a river or some hidden martial arts skill, a tree branch, or they’re saved by someone/

3:49:48 C: ML/FL don’t die if they get shot with an arrow. LYN: Not necessarily, it depends on what episode. Whether the ML/FL die by getting shot with an arrow depends on how many episodes in you are. If it’s a 40 episode drama and the ML gets shot in e39, he might die. If it’s e15 and the ML looks like a porcupine, he’s still not going to die. But if you get shot in e39, ML is likely going to die, based on plot progression alone. It has nothing to do with the ML/FL themselves at this point. The other possibility is that you don’t die directly from getting shot, but it leaves a lasting wound that leads to a later cause of death. It’s an indirect cause of death. But if it’s the earlier eps, forget about getting shot- even if the ML’s lost an arm, he’ll still find a way to grow one back. LYN: As an actor myself, the move I use the most is this- /holds his left shoulder./ I just don’t know what it is with this left chest. The arrow is always shot here. You may not have noticed it, but think back on the dramas you’ve watched- the ML is usually always shot on the left. Why there? First- it can make the ML bare-chested. If they get shot in the belly-button, then it’s difficult to film. How are you supposed to film there? You’ll pull their intestines out. Middle of the chest also doesn’t look good. It has to be above the heart but below the collarbone- there’s some cartilage and can be pierced through. Once the clothes are off you can show off the chest, and abs if you have them. After spraying some water, to make it seem like it hurts so much he’s sweating, you can let it run down the body- it serves to please the audience. LYN: Another thing is- it’s easier to perform. Using your right hand to cover your left shoulder is a smoother motion. If you use your left hand to cover your right chest- unless you’re left-handed- it’s awkward. If you’re shot in the shoulder, you’re going to look for something to hold on to for support. If you support yourself with your left hand it can be a little awkward. You can go think about it. People rarely ever get shot in the butt. Some comedies might have it, I suppose. But in general, the ML always gets shot in the left shoulder. You can think about all the dramas you’ve watched. C: Lao-da, you can do one where you get shot in the butt. LYN: … /sigh/ What’s wrong with you? C: /comments about getting shot in the stomach./ LYN: Yes, people do get shot in the stomach, but not in the belly-button, like I said earlier! How good must your aim be to accomplish that?!? They get shot or grazed in the side. - LYN: For knives- let me tell you. Knife wounds are usually here on the arm, shoulder, or side. These three places are the easiest to acquire knife wounds. On the back yes, but rarely. Almost never on the head. Legs are few, too. Legs get shot with arrows. In the knee, mostly. I’m not saying it never happens, but that mostly the wounds are on the upper half of the body. As an actor- if you get shot in the thigh or something, for the next five or six scenes you’ll have to walk with a limp and that doesn’t look good. They can’t walk gracefully and the hair won’t be flowing in the wind, like that. So legs wounds are rare, but if you do get hurt there you can lie on a bed for a few days and then you’re all healed. But a leg wound, where you still have to walk on it?? I already experienced that when I broke my foot, didn’t I? (YNGS) Most wounds are on the upper half so that filming later on is easier.

- /! Talks about a character in ZLYM (Kang Ju), who walks with a cane and has a limp, but has very good fighting skills and the cane is also a sword. There’s one scene where the group is supposed to chase after bad guys, but it suddenly occurred to LYN, “How is he supposed to run??” How does that look on camera?/ C: On a wire. LYN: … Wouldn’t it be better if we just had a wooden wheelchair and then pushed him with us?

- /used to share stories from set more, but nowadays doesn’t want to give anyone an excuse to find a loophole/cause for ridicule/

4:03:02 C: Is there a character who’s been with the ML from the start, but it turns out that in the end they were the villain all along? LYN: There are. In YNGS… /pauses to think about it/ In YNGS there was someone who was with me until the end- Ding Hui- do you remember him? In the very first drafts of the script he was a mole. But then- never mind. These roles exist, though. In any case, it was changed later. Not by me! I don’t have that kind of power. 4:04:33 C: ZBF’s senior brother. LYN: You could probably already tell in the beginning eps that he was a villain. From the first moment we saw him, we already knew. It’s not like he was acting like a good guy the whole time, only to find out he was bad in the end. He doesn’t count. C: I was waiting for him to turn good.

LYN: Let me see what time it is. It’s time, friends. I’ve been streaming for 4 hours now. If you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Thank you for watching my stream today. I’ll come to stream when I have time, ok? If you haven’t subscribed yet, you can. It’s not shameful. Thank you for your company. I hope you had a relaxing, happy, and wonderful time. It was great to have you and I hope you had fun. Next time I’ll make sure I’ve got all the settings right before I stream. Goodnight everyone.