#from an user's perspective it's infuriating.

[nacrelysis]

how are you a billionaire and you still don't pay your fucking bills. god.

this is a level of incompetence i've never fucking SEEN before. and I'M the person who ends up carrying the group projects.

[nagichi-boop]

Gerald’s Journal - Disability representation

I read scans of Gerald’s Journal and I have to talk about it. Not the lore or anything like that, but the disability rep. I didn’t expect to cry reading this.

Please don’t look at this post if you don’t want to be spoiled about what’s in this journal. If you do want to read it, you can find scans here. Credit to this Twitter/X thread for the images I’ll use.

I don’t have much to say about this image, but it is nice to see Maria using a mobility aid. It’s not often we get representation for an ambulatory wheelchair user.

I do wonder about Maria’s relationship with her parents. They weren’t happy with Gerald’s wish to bring her to the ARK so that he could research a cure for her, but they let her go anyways? Maybe Gerald got some sort of order to get her to go or Maria decided she wanted to go with him, but it seems a little odd to me. I’ll expand on this a little later.

Quote from right page: “[Maria] is growing into a lovely young woman. It breaks my heart that someone as bright and energetic as her is diminished by disease. There are no visible effects, and I’ve caught my fellow researchers muttering to each other, doubting her illness. It is infuriating. I find all my reason and restraint vanished when she’s slighted.”

Oh my days, I’ve never felt so seen by a piece of media and it just so happens to be my special interest video game. I am tearing up again thinking about this. Maybe that’s silly but to have a character express his frustrations about people doubting the invisible disability of his grandchild is so touching. I wish people in my life were more like Gerald. People with invisible illnesses get doubted so much because we “look fine”, but it’s so invalidating to have your struggles questioned just because the symptoms aren’t as visibly obvious.

Quote from left page: “[Maria] doesn’t know the full scope of what [Shadow] has been designed for, but she understands he will be under tremendous strain. She’s helped me conceptualize a number of accessories that will help focus his power and aid in his mobility.”

So we now have confirmation that Shadow’s air shoes and inhibitor rings are akin to mobility aids. I headcanoned this but I didn’t know they’d flat out confirm it like that. My favourite character is canonically disabled physically (and I’d argue mentally given his PTSD). I don’t have much to say about this besides being happy that my favourite character is now even more relatable.

It also makes a lot of sense for Maria to help create them because she has experience with her own disability and can offer a perspective that an able bodied person couldn’t. That and it makes Shadow’s connection so much stronger. His mobility aids were designed by Maria. He didn’t just help her with her disability - she helped with his. He wouldn’t be able to function without what she and Gerald created for him.

Quote from the right: “Back on Earth [Maria’s?] parents have been blessed with another little girl. They’re already run tech(?) and she has none of the genetic markers like to [Maria’s] condition. While this was welcomed news, the unspoken commentary was received loud and clear.”

(I am assuming they’re talking about Maria’s sister, but I guess they could also be talking about her cousin.)

So did Maria’s parents see their new daughter as a replacement? If I’m reading that correctly, it’s so sad. Do you think Gerald told Maria about her sister/cousin? If she did know about it, I bet she was excited to meet her. But I get the feeling that her parents back home didn’t really care about her anymore given what Gerald says in his journal. It hurts that much more when you consider how much Maria wanted to go home, perhaps even return to her family.

I feel like all of this makes Maria’s death more tragic for both Gerald and Shadow. For Gerald, he did so much reason and sacrificed so much in order to try and find a cure for Maria. He supported her when no one else did. And from his perspective, despite her illness and the judgement of others, including potentially her own family, she was still positive. And yet she was killed, and he only found out about her death because of a report that had her name on it (I think anyways?).

From Shadow’s perspective, she is the person who gave his name meaning. Despite most being distant and weary of her, she was immediately friendly to him and helped teach him about the world. She helped created the devices used to reduce his pain and control his powers. He quite literally carries part of him with her. She was his sole reason for existing for a long time. And despite being this super supportive, kind, loving person, she was killed. I can imagine him being mad at Gerald for messing with his memories, but I figure there’s a degree of understanding, even if he doesn’t fully agree with what Gerald did. The difference between them both is Shadow’s purpose shifted beyond Maria while Gerald’s did not. Anyways, I digress - this post is about disability rep, not Shadow lore.

I love this and Dark Beginnings for their direct and indirect disability rep. My love for Shadow and Maria has only grown and I have a deeper appreciation for Gerald. I wish more people were as understanding as he is towards people with invisible disabilities.

I don’t really have a conclusion. I just really wanted to yap about the journal entries.

[serial-unaliver]

(comment is in reference to tiktok users spreading delusion-inducing conspiracy theories about unreality) people on here are insane I mean neurodivergent sometimes. but instead of joking around let me respond to this.

for people without a mental health issue causing 'bizarre' thinking, theories about everything secretly being a simulation or whatever are fun to engage with. they're not approaching this from a more 'professional' perspective, and the theories they're going to be open to are not ones more grounded in reality--that would ruin the entertainment. this is something that both comforts me and infuriates me. we are thinking alike in a way, but you haven't ended up hospitalized over it, or planned to kill your family to 'save' them.

now to be clear, i'm not saying you're ableist and problematic for saying "guys what if the lunar eclipse is a sign [x] is happening to our planet" on tiktok. just clarifying why it caught my attention and why, in reference to this specific reply I screenshotted, that approaching the situation with logic won't help much.

[briarpatch-kids]

Why are people using burrito test as an analogy for porn ban? Yea, nsfw bans target lgbtq people, there are problems with it, but there is no reason to compare these two bad things. One is objectively worse. If a grown adult cannot go to the bar, have a smoke, make some food or decide their own sleep schedule because someone else is depriving them of autonomy, that is worse. Worse than being unable to post ass. Especially because there are still plenty of places to do that. I was briefly involuntary institutionalized, so I speak as someone with more privilege than most, but it is not the same. It will never be comparable. my windows had bars, steel bars. I had to fetch a staff member to open the bathroom door. I had 30 minutes on the phone each day. Staff decides how long you get on the tv. Staff decides if you can listen to inappropriate music. Staff decides if you can go outside each day. Staff decides what’s for breakfast, lunch, dinner. Staff decides if you are eating enough. Staff decides if you are hiding something. Staff decides if you get a body check. Staff decides if you need to stay another day, another week, another month. And that is on the better end of the spectrum. That is sometimes the best possible scenario.

Even nice staff can decide for you, they always get that option, they could always pull what you have away from you.

I don’t think they meant to say it was the same, but they did. They said they have some sort of understanding of what it is like. That’s a lie. It’s not the same. When you don’t get that freedom, you are not living, you are not a person, you are a project, a responsibility, an inconvenience.

Sorry to put it on you, Im just angry I think. I wanted to put it into words.

You're good. I'm pretty angry too. I'm fully on the side of porn in the Corporations vs Horny Internet Users battle, but the comparison that poster used was incredibly selfish and lacked so much perspective it was infuriating.

I got lucky that I was only institutionalized for 6 months, but I spent those 6 months in a locked ward where the burrito test wasn't even a question. There was no microwave, no burritos, and they tried to threaten changing my "voluntary" status to involuntary if I didn't take Ambien. I had a roommate who threatened to harm me in my sleep and I had to go on a hunger strike to get moved to another room. I was treated VERY well compared to some involuntary patients, who could be medicated without consent as long as doctors claimed they "lacked insight" on why they needed treatment and thought you would deteriorate without it. (but as I said, they tried to strong-arm me into taking ambien so...)

[thatgirlwithasquid]

ive been thinking about witch!steve nonstop since reading this so @intothedysphoria this is dedicated to you for giving me brain worms :)

-

Magic is a sensory nightmare.

That's something they never dwell on in the books, and the TV series, and the movies. It's always this amazing, beautiful thing that, sure, takes a lot of effort but is just so rewarding when mastered. And in all the media magic is cutesy and sweet...

That's not what magic is like, though, and Steve hates it. He hates it because all of his friends wish they were witches, or that they could join a coven for the found family vibes they see in their shows. But that's not what it's like! At least not from Steve's perspective.

"That's bullshit," Steve scoffs, scowling at the screen of whatever today's rom-com is called.

Carol loves a good rom-com, or a bad one, or a mediocre one. He's not even sure if it's ironic, or if it's maybe just to wind him up. But he's so often popped down on her sofa, watching a witch who was definitely not written by an actual magic user stumble through their little meet-cute. Because it's always witches, and it always has been since Carol bought herself a set of tarot cards when they were twelve to see if she had some psychic abilities because 'you don't know that I wasn't adopted and am secretly the long lost daughter of a powerful witch'.

She wasn't, she isn't, and Steve thinks magic-centred rom-coms are the worst thing to ever be invented.

Carol just shushes him, eyes glued to the screen like this is the most interesting thing she's ever seen. And maybe objectively this isn't the worst movie she's forced him to sit through, but it's still grinding his gears.

"But it is! It's bullshit. Messing up a spell doesn't do that."

"Shut up, Steve. It's because she's thinking about Mick, so her subconscious is making the spell pull him towards her."

"But that's not how magic works. A spell doesn't suddenly just turn someone into a magnet because they're thinking about someone else."

Carol lets out a frustrated groan.

Fine, maybe Steve is ruining Carol's fun a bit but it's just so infuriating. Because magic is a sensory nightmare, and fucking up spells is a pain rather than a metaphorical (or sometimes literal; and if Carol ever tries to make him rewatch 'The Valentine's Spell' again he will never talk to her again) cupids arrow come to match them up with their apparent soulmate.

Casting a spell has always been one of Steve's least favourite things. The feeling starts in his hands (because, no, Carol, wands are never a real thing witches use and that's frankly an offensive stereotype that he could infodump the whole history of) as the magic starts to build. Before long the feeling is tingling along his whole arms, taking over their feeling with the force of the spell. And, depending on what spell is being cast, they might go hot, or cold, or heavy, or numb, or shaky. None of those are fun sensations, and therefor casting a spell is not fun and cute and rom-com worthy.

That's without touching on the power building up in his chest, making his heartbeat loud in his ears. And then if one messes a spell up, that energy might burst out potentially dangerously (if the spell is a big one) or simply burrow itself beneath his skin leaving him antsy and stressed and horribly overstimulated and understimulated at the same time.

Really, the fact that the whole ordeal of casting a spell is so unpleasant is the main reason that Steve is such a spectacularly bad witch. He point blank refused to go to any lessons when younger and turned away all his mom's attempts at teaching him herself. He just hated the way it felt. That's the reason he only uses his magic for simple things, and only to prevent a power buildup that a more magically inclined witch may find favourable but that to him just gives the feeling of bugs creeping under his skin.

When he next goes to open his mouth, though, Carol kicks him from her place sprawled on the other side of the sofa. He takes that as his cue that it's time to shut up and just lets Carol watch her garbage.

The movie doesn't get any better.

By the time it's finally over, Steve's impatient scowls at the television had gotten bad enough that Carol just dumped him outside of her place with a harsh goodbye. It's dramatic enough to make him scoff, even though he knows it's 80% an act on Carol's part. She not-so-secretly loves making him suffer through these things, and must find his annoyed commentary at least a little bit amusing to keep dragging him around to watch these things the way she does.

Lost in thought, Steve his halfway home by the time he realises his keys aren't in his pocket.

"Shit," he hisses under his breath.

Great. That’s just great. His parents are off on a business trip again, which is just his luck. Those things are pretty infrequent so of course they’d be out the one time he loses his keys.

And they are lost because Steve had made a panicked grab for them as Carol shoved him out, realising the woman was not going to wait for him to put on his shoes, let alone come back inside to get them. So, he had them when he began the trek home. But they’re not in his pocket now; ergo, he lost them on the way.

With a despondent sigh, Steve turns around and resigns himself to the search for them. It was about time he actually practiced a spell, anyway, he reasons to himself as he begins tracing symbols on the back of his hands and watching the skin there glow. And… there it is. The tingling and the warmth starts up and Steve has to grit his teeth to ignore the way he wants to never touch anything again.

The numbness has crept up to his wrists and his basic tracking spell is almost complete when he collides with the chest. Magic pounds in his chest and the sound of his heartbeat echoes that with a rush of blood in his ears. With a snap, the spell breaks away from him and bursts out, fuelled by the sparking reserves of magic that had built up in him over the last few weeks of refusing to conjure so much as a flicker of light.

Well, shit.

He feels it, when his magic finds something else supernatural to twine itself with, coaxed on my the half-formed potential of a tracking spell. It’s like it hits something solid and forces itself into any cracks and crevices it can find, getting itself stuck there.

When the energy dissipates and Steve can breathe again, he looks up into the glowing golden eyes of the werewolf he slammed face first into. That’s when Steve thinks he might owe Carol and her shitty witch movies an apology, because it turns out maybe magic can turn someone into something like a magnet. It seems like he’s magically tied himself to none other than Billy Hargrove.

-

might expand on this in the future. for now i just needed to get something out lol. witch!steve, werewolf!billy and forced proximity yay

[adhd-merlin]

unpopular opinion: arthur (as much as i like him as a character) was useless in terms of prophecy and liberation of the magic people. not just bc he never ended up lifting the magic ban but bc literally anyone sitting on the throne could have done that. i see no reason why it had to be arthur specifically. but the show liked to pretend like he was the only way to achieve a positive future bc the opprressed community cant simply help themselves that would be silly ig? no no they need to patiently wait that maybe one day their oppressor (whos literally continuing his fathers genocide even if less zealously) has a change of heart and they wont be hunted down like animals anymore. never mind the countless people that will have to die in the mean time. merlin can kill a bajillion people on screen and thats fine and for the greater good but if someone tries to kill One guy sitting on a fancy chair with a fancy hat suddenly thats too extreme. half the time it felt like the show was pointing to merlin as a poster child of how to act when oppressed. the fact that morgana growing bitter about uthers reign is framed as inherently bad and what directly lead to her becoming evil tm is particularly infuriating to me. the choice to create this very ya dystopian setting and then cast the oppressors as part of the main cast and the final solution is just very weird to me. i think it wouldve been objectively for the best if the magic community had overthrown arthur (or uther really but thats not really contested.. unless youre the bbc. this show is so british (derogatory))

in that vein: mordred has never done anything wrong in his entire life and that includes killing arthur

one more for the "arthur was a loser" folder

[ok but about the rest!! I have many thoughts about it. merlin as a member of an Oppressed Minority. his betrayal of his own kin. I'm putting it all under a cut bc you guys don't need to see me rambling about this and the disir again]

you make a good point — the way in which a story is framed, even the moment we choose as a "beginning", determines what characters we'll feel sympathy for, even when the facts at our disposal are the same.

I don't think the writers were trying to create any kind of deep social commentary btw. just so we're clear. merlin is the hero of the story and his mission is to keep arthur safe. we've got to root for them both.

to have a king with a hatred (fear) of magic gives us a convenient antagonist within the court. merlin having to defend the men that would have him killed for his magic is a great source of dramatic tension. it sort of follows that the people he has to fight against to defend the king/prince are other magic users, or magical threats. (it also keeps things interesting because there would be no challenge for merlin otherwise).

there isn't much of a point in exploring the motives and backstories of other characters with magic (with the exception of morgana, perhaps). They are only briefly touched upon — so these characters remain vaguely antagonistic for the most part. Neutrally aligned at best (see mordred).

We are shown that the druids are (mostly) aware of the prophecy that marks merlin/emrys as the saviour of their kind.

what I find fascinating are merlin's interactions with magic people who are either not aware of this prophecy (gilli) or have no faith in it (kara, possibly?) Because we're never given the chance or the time to see things from their perspective. To see merlin through their eyes.

When gilli says:

"It is time that someone struck a blow for the likes of you and me. And if you're too weak, then I will." (!!!)

It makes him sound like some kind of extremist, but really, when you think about it. isn't his anger kind of justified? I'm not condoning his violence, I'm just saying — it's understandable. uther has killed so many innocent people. literally drowned innocent children. and merlin's like "violence isn't the answer!" — and I can see his point!! but I can see gilli's just as well. and I find it so interesting that he's still addressing merlin as a brother ("the likes of you and me"), even when expressing disappointment in his actions and calling him weak. because they are the same. he's saying "you're deluded, and cozying up to the enemy won't save you"

this episode also contains what is (probably) my favourite dragon call. when merlin summons kilgharrah in other episodes, he's usually in the middle of some Urgent Situation. matters of life or death. there is nothing urgent here, really. yeah, it is arguably a matter of life or death, but nothing merlin couldn’t have stopped on his own. he really just called on kilgharrah to have a heart to heart with a friend — a member of his class.

("You are a creature of magic, and only a creature of magic could hope to understand.")

this episode is about merlin looking for kinship and still feeling isolated from his magic brethren. there's something tragic about the way the prophecy makes him unable to connect to some of the people who would be best placed to understand him.

and gilli plants a small seed of doubt in merlin's mind. "You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are" (!!)

but kilgharrah reassures merlin that there's a golden age coming. so merlin does what he has to do — he saves uther once again. before gilli leaves, merlin reassures him that one day they will be free.

he tells mordred the same:

"It won't always be like this. One day we will live in freedom again."

and then, when he has the unique opportunity to use his influence on arthur to sway his opinion in the right direction. he fails.

he condemns himself, and the people he spoke to of freedom, to keep living in fear and in hiding — and what's even more upsetting, he does so while talking of a "just and fair kingdom"!

("You must protect the world you spent your life building, a just and fair kingdom for all." What an interesting choice of words. camelot isn't just and fair to all — as merlin knows well. he's lying to arthur, and possibly to himself.)

imagine being gilli or mordred and hearing him say that "there can be no place for magic in camelot." (!) What a slap in the face.

I've read meta suggesting that the disir were testing merlin just as much as arthur (or even more so than him). I'm inclined to believe it — I want to believe it. If anything because it makes the story all the more interesting and tragic. (I know what some are going to say — if mordred's destiny was to kill arthur, it would've happened anyway. but remember what else kilgharrah said — the future is never clear. there are many paths).

I understand why merlin did what he did, I really do. but for a moment, the fair and just kingdom he spoke of was within reach, and he failed to grasp it.

so was gilli wrong after all?

[and kara. I feel quite sympathetic towards her. we know arthur. she can't see him from our (merlin's) perspective. for her, he might as well be uther. magic people are still persecuted under camelot's law. she has spent her life on the run, she has seen people she loved be killed. and from our (arthur's) perspective, she looks like some kind of fanatic. but in reality. put yourself in her shoes. when arthur offers her a chance to save herself by "repenting" for her crime, she says she has nothing to repent for. "it is not a crime to fight for your freedom". that's the belief she's willing to die for. did she deserve to die for it?

(I also think there's an interesting parallel in merlin failing his kin in the disir, and arthur failing mordred in ep 5x11 by condemning kara to death. something about pinning all your hopes on someone who's going to fail you, and doom you both. idk idk.)]

sorry anon. you were saying

[sapphic-scylla]

Why Dr. Takuto Maruki in P5R is Very Wrong and Why His So-Called “Perfect Reality” is Deeply Upsetting

(This is a hyperfixation rant that spoils a great deal of the ending of P5R and addresses mental trauma and therapy in great detail. So please, make sure you know what you’re getting into when reading this. Also, while I have played P5R many, many times and have experienced a pretty hefty amount of my own trauma and suffering in my own life, I’m not an expert on psychology and matters of the mind, so most of the thoughts on his mental state are purely perspective and opinion.)

Dr. Maruki in P5R infuriates me beyond any character in any game I’ve ever played for so many reasons and for the longest time, I couldn’t pinpoint why. Because a lot of people thought we were stopping a good thing at the end of P5R and I couldn’t explain why I didn’t agree until this week and I’m now going to go into detail on why this man is making a massive mistake.

Starting with the obvious red flags:

Totalitarian society is the idea that a person or very small group of people not only keeps an entire society in line, but controls how people think and bends their will in service to the state, which is what Maruki is doing. It may look like utopia, but when mind control/“actualization” is required, that already sends warning alarms.

A man who felt his only option was to bend the will of another Persona-user against her will and wield her own power against other people (while she is in deep trauma and mental struggle might I add) is a deeply upsetting move and does not uphold what he perceives his moral standards to be.

Reality-bending power is very dangerous and giving one imperfect man the ability to not only rewrite life and its progress is vastly unwise. Especially if that man could also just as easily erase people from the narrative and no one would ever know they were gone. Just the flick of a finger and whoever didn’t fit his plan just didn’t exist. Bad. Very, very bad.

A man using the persona named Azathoth is like a billboard for petty despot. Azathoth is a Lovecraftian deity of Change, Creation and Destruction and the most powerful entity in all of Cthulhu Mythos. Yikes.

People praise Maruki for the same reasons they hate Yaldabaoth. Both should be hated. What people don’t understand is that they are serving the same shit on different platters. Humanity isn’t strong enough or smart enough to handle their own free will, so I will do it for them. Maruki just gift wrapped his to look like paradise instead of servitude.

Maruki is a vessel of DISTORTION. This man thinks he’s capable of running all of reality while suffering under debilitating trauma. And instead of actively getting help, he sets a vendetta against reality itself. Smart? No!

What was it that Brennan said in Burrow’s End? “Power should make you tired.” Taking godlike power for yourself and using it to reshape society to your liking is ALWAYS a red flag.

Everything about him screams cult and brainwashing. Everything. The outfit at the end, the way he speaks, the verbal and physical manipulation he uses to make you think he wants what’s best for you. No one who says they want to “save” you in a very religious way has your best interests at heart.

Putting people in places like a puzzle is a very dystopian theme. That’s what Maruki’s entire plan revolves around: the idea that, if something has the potential to cause you pain, it is to be avoided. That includes family, that includes jobs, that includes desires. Complete avoidance is his plan and he executes it by bending the minds of the masses to believe that what he says your role in society is is gospel.

Utopias crash regularly. Especially ones based off of peaceful living. Every utopia is a lid covering a festering sickness that, no matter how well buried you think it is, will spill out onto the surface eventually. And it’s devastating when it does.

There were still homeless people and impoverished people in Maruki’s “paradise”. Explain that.

That’s all the physical red flags. From a therapeutic perspective…:

Swallowing, avoiding, bottling, neglecting, or walking on the scars you gain from trauma is always a recipe for disaster. Physical and mental scars are very similar. Treating them with the appropriate care, time, and patience for the specific trauma can help them heal over. It’s why therapists and psychologists exist at all. To help you treat those wounds and help them to heal. It’s never said to be easy, but it’s doable if you’re willing to put in the work. Maruki’s not only bottling all of society’s trauma, but this whole mess started because he was doing it to himself. Trauma festers if left unchecked. It can dig into your mind and heart and make you irrational, bitter, vengeful, lonely, and often angry, sad, and numb. However, being willing to reach out and stumble towards people who can help you work through it can ease the burden, so you won’t do anything you’ll regret.

You can’t make the whole world happy. Checks and balances. Someone’s joy is often someone else’s misery. It sucks, but that comes with the territory of being mortal.

Pain is intrinsic to the human condition. It sucks. It really does. No one likes to experience pain or misfortune and I really do understand the idea of wanting the world to be anesthetized to pain and suffering, but that’s the side effect of free will. You can’t expect a world to live free and with the capacity to make their own decisions without conflict.

Mistakes are meant to be made. We don’t learn anything otherwise. Mistakes bring pain, pain brings learning, learning brings growth, growth brings joy. Yes, sometimes pain is sourceless and you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time and it sucks, but, again, as rough as it is, it’s part of the human condition and taking that away means taking away free will. The difference between the P.T.’s and Maruki is that the P.T.’s were changing the hearts of the people that were using their free will to silence other’s free will. The only exception is Futaba, and she specifically asked them so that she could start taking steps to working through her trauma, the opposite of what Maruki wants people to do.

Taking a W in life isn’t as rewarding if it is constantly happening. All of the rich people I’ve ever met are fucking miserable. When you have everything you’ve ever wanted, you forget what it’s like to feel actual joy because there is nothing to work towards anymore. If I had to choose between getting torn to shreds as I climb towards my goals and suffering defeat after failure to finally reach it and feel that pure happiness or have it given to me free of charge on the house perpetually, I hope my hands bleed as long as I finally get where I’m going and look back on how far I’d traveled to get there.

Scars, cuts, and bruises tell stories. I was always told as a kid that scars make you look tough, but I also learned that it was ok to cry and scream when I got hurt. Taking pride in the immense amount of emotional cuts and wounds and beatings I’ve taken was something that took forever to learn, but if I hadn’t taken any of those beatings, I’d still be the sheltered little Mormon boy that couldn’t speak up to save his life. All of those stabs and scars made me into the fluidflux, curious amalgamation of interests that knows how to stand up for herself and punch back if she has to. Not all scars are scars to be proud of and not all scars are glancing blows. Some hurt. Really bad. Bad enough to leave trauma and impressions. However, it’s telling you that, no matter how unlucky you are, you’re still alive. And that’s what matters. Because any scars you can walk away with, even if it’s not physically, are wounds that will heal given time and patience. And if it leaves such a scar that it will never truly heal, please reach out for support. Friends and confidants are there for a reason.

Maruki never reached out for help. And I know. That’s rich coming from me, who, to this day, claims that the most difficult thing in the world for me is to ask for any kind of help. But traversing the rough road that is trauma healing is easier traveled when you have people to help you.

At the end of the day when you strip Takuto Maruki down to his bare essentials, what you see is a man who is deeply traumatized, wallowing in his own regret and pain to the point where he is self-destructive. This same man is seeking to become a god of the world, pulling the strings to every single persons life and forcing people to live his ideal of what he thinks is the perfect reality and attempting to become untouchable while doing so.

The protagonist suffered so much injustice and unfairness in his life. Wrongfully accused of assaulting a deeply corrupt politician, he became the pawn in a deal between two gods as he struggled to stick his neck out for a society that deeply rejected him and still proceeded to change the hearts of 21 people without reality-bending capabilities just by talking with them and supporting them in their endeavors. It seems small, but in the end, 19 of those people come together and feed his support right back to him. The 20th person was his biggest rival, someone who betrayed, almost killed, and actively worked to destroy him. He ended up fighting by his side even if it meant in the end, he would die. And the last and 21st person was Maruki himself.

You don’t need godlike powers to change the world. You already can just by connecting with people on a personal level. Maruki sacrificed his own self-care, mental stability, and, honestly, the love of his life in a Faustian bargain with an entity that was trying to usurp the vacancy Yaldabaoth left in the universe’s power vacuum. It quite nearly cost him his life if the protagonist hadn’t been there to stop him, fight him, and show him that you don’t need to perform miracles. You just need to be there for people when they need you.

[ppeacekeeper]

My SH2 remake negative thoughts so far (I only got to play for like a hour after work, not even at the apartments yet) I'm not saying that the game is bad, I just can't help myself because SH2 is my favorite game and I'm allowed to be annoying about this. I'm still having fun, don't lose sleep over this.

Character models stink

Voice acting stinks; I'll be interested to see the end game letter read because I truly don't think you can top the original performance. Also, the original voice acting sounded weird and the delivery of lines was weird because of localization but in game it just worked because it fit the mood of the game.

There are now "Echoes" which are moments where you run across something from the original game that is no longer there or changed and this is kinda infuriating because one of those "Echoes" is where you find one of the corpses on the street that is literally James' model. Those little details is what made SH2 fascinating. It's sad to see them gone and it's kind weird considering there are probably tons of people playing this game who haven't played the original so they're essentially just looking at a blood stain on the ground for no reason? Like literally I looked at the spot where you originally get your radio and the "Echoes" scene activated and I couldn't understand why I was starring at it or what the little visual/audio effect was for. I just knew that "Hey, I'm suppose to be able to go through here, but I can't."

Again, I'm not far, but I've seen a couple instances where old camera would've been so good. I miss forced perspectives. Not only did it add suspense, but it was visually beautiful. The over the shoulder drastically changes the tone of this game. The camera change, in my opinion, makes this feel like every other AAA survival horror game right now and I guess I would rather have something interesting over what I'm sure they consider "user friendly" I don't know, I could probably go on forever about copy/paste game design and what sells and the death of the gaming industry but I digress.

I. Hate. The. Combat. I hate action hero combat; it doesn't fit the tone of the game. I hate combat effects covering the screen. I wish I could have my weapon out all the time? I hate that James vaults over stuff? Like I just need to remind people that this guy is just a guy. He's not Leon Kennedy. He's like a mega loser of a man. He shouldn't be vaulting and dodging and swinging around weapons like a hero.

[0rb0t]

"You can't stop it from happening, so why bother"

is such an infuriating perspective to take when it comes to art theft. Avatar ripping on VRChat is art theft.

Just because it keeps happening doesn't mean it's fine, or that it's not art theft. I don't care if you can't get the law involved, you can be active in a community in reporting users for art theft.

It's such a self enabling, selfish mindset to tote around. In my community, if you are a ripper, you are banned. I sincerely do not care what your reasons are.

"but the creator is a bad person" COOL MOTIVE, STILL ART THEFT. Do you not realize how often people will justify their actions this way? I'm called a bad person just because I'm against harassment.

"well they're an asshole, so..." COOL MOTIVE, STILL ART THEFT.

"they're a narcissist" COOL ABLEISM, STILL ART THEFT.

"but i want the model and don't want to pay" TOO BAD??? This isn't like fighting back against huge capitalism or whatever, that's someone's livelihood. You're PERSONALLY stealing from them.

"the model isn't worth as much as they're selling it for" COOL MOTIVE, STILL ART THEFT, AND ALSO NOT UP TO YOU!

You're getting banned and reported. Full stop.

[pianostarinwonderland]

Hi! Sorry if this is random, but what are you thoughts about a MC that can teleport?

I m thinking of two scenarios with the Dorm leaders and the MC that can teleport (could even be their UM; unqiue magic)?

But for exemple; this MC dont use teleportion unless someone really pushed their buttons. They would very much be standing their ground in arguments and is no ”coward”. But if in a heated argument with their partner or when they fighting with their partner, MC could very much use their UM (teleportion) when they had ”enough”.

Another exemple would be that they use teleportion to simply avoid someone for whichever reason which could be the dorm leader.

But basically; how would each of the Dorm leaders react to a MC thats can teleport in particular when they are in the middle of a argument/or if they trying to avoid them?

What do you think? Sorry if this is outa nowhere, but I could imagie them getting annoyed at the MC, some of them getting more annoyed and some less annoyed.

I like the idea of a UM that enables the user to teleport out of stress!! Maybe with how powerful the UM is, this MC/reader has a hard time controlling it, so whether they like it or not, in a stressful situation, they end up leaving it. 

It doesn’t have to be limited to the dorm leaders, it could be to any stressful situation, i.e. missing Grim. There’s potential in the idea, and I personally would like to see it outside of a romantic relationship perspective, particularly the argument kind of stress. Like, what if someone they care about is somewhere unfamiliar or you heard they were in danger or in pain, so out of stress, you end up wherever they are? Or maybe they are so stressed over Trein’s exam that they just poofed away. 😂

But to entertain your question, well I suppose as long as MC/reader can explain it properly to their lover, I don’t think the dorm leaders would be That pissed off. Of course, the first time it happens, I think all of them would be livid to some degree. From least likely to most likely to get angry:

The least likely to get angry is Kalim, but this depends on the argument. Chances are, Kalim would be shocked and surprised that you disappeared and probably would panic. If the argument has something to do with your behavior, it is possible he might be mad, but I see him being more worried. 

The second one would be Leona. Feels like he’ll catch that you were trying to finish a sentence then you went poof, so he can guess that it wasn’t intentional. I think he’d keep a clear enough head to think about what could have possibly happened to you, but he may still be filled with that stressful energy from earlier that would leave him pissed. 

I’d say Malleus is the third in ranking. I think he would be more hurt than angry over you leaving him (because how many times has he been left alone in his life?) in the middle of an argument. At the same time, it would shock him to see someone aside from him and Lilia, maybe his grandma too, actually being able to teleport. But he would look for you too. 

Vil would be angry, of course. It’s quite immature to leave in the middle of an argument. But he’d keep a cool head and decide that it’s best you two need to cool off. He’ll still pick up your calls or texts (if you have your phone) and I’d bet that’s how he realizes ah, you did not intend for that.

I’d say Azul is similar to Vil, but he is more likely to yell to air about how infuriating it is for you to leave in the middle of an argument and go “fine if you want to play it that way”. He’ll still read your messages, though, so if you tell him that you are in the middle of nowhere, he will get worried.

Please, I see Idia going off if you teleport away. The guy would be nearly rapping to thin air about how immature you were and how you just left him like that. Pretty similar to Azul except the guy is spiteful enough to ignore your texts and calls at first. 

Of course, Riddle is the most likely. 😔 His face is just red by then. And he wouldn’t check his phone to see any messages you might have left. I think he’d use the time to cool off first before looking for you.

[therealjordan23]

Hi Jordan. What r ur thoughts on Laurel Hubbard and her competing in the Olympics?

Grab a cup of coffee guys, this is a long one.

Before we get into anything,I am obviously in support of trans people, and their rights. So, hecklers, don't be putting words in my mouth, because I know Tumblr is one of those places where the LGBT community is extremely prominent. Almost to the point where it's too much, I once saw one user shame someone for being heterosexual, but that isn't the point. The point is, be fair.

I'm gonna be completely honest. I personally think it's a disadvantage to the female athletes, who were born a woman, to have to compete against a woman who was born a man. Although Laurel Hubbard came out as trans 8 years ago, and has met all the requirements to compete, from a biological perspective, she obviously has a lot more advantages.

The IOC policy specifies conditions under which those who transition from male to female are eligible to compete in the female category. Among them is that the athlete has declared that her gender identity is female and that the declaration cannot be changed, for sporting purposes, for a minimum of four years.

And you're sitting there, going like, wow, so they're making it fair and inclusive. But here's why this isn't a great rule: the IOC requires only that a trans woman has maintained a particular level of testosterone for 12 months in order to compete as a ‘self-identifying’ woman. This completely ignores the physical advantages in speed, height, stamina and strength that a male-born athlete will have. The determining criteria—a maximum reading of 10 nanomoles per litre of testosterone—is as least five times more than a biological woman.

Hubbard, when she was Gavin Hubbard, wasn't anything to sneeze at. Before transitioning, Hubbard competed under the name Gavin and was New Zealand’s junior men’s champion and a national record holder. Gavin Hubbard hit a 300-kilogram total in the over-105 kilogram men’s category, which at the 2019 Junior World Championships “would have been good enough for last place by 31 kg.” Gavin Hubbard was a “talented, but not a world-calibre athlete.” By age 34, Hubbard had plateaued. Yet after transitioning in 2012, Hubbard saw years of success in the women’s division.

But before we get into that, let's talk about somebody named Feagaiga Stowers.

This young woman is only a year younger than me. She endured tremendous difficulties in her childhood, where she eventually entered the Samoa Victims Support Group, to end up where she is today. Stowers' meteoric rise has proven there is hope for everyone. And she’s done everything possible to be on top of her game, where she deserves to be.

This was until she stepped up on the weightlifting platform in 2019, where her hopes of clinching a Pacific Games gold were crushed by a fellow competitor, Laurel Hubbard.

"The striking contrast between a disadvantaged female of colour being overpowered by a silver-spoon legatee of white settler privilege who previously competed in men’s weightlifting was not a good look on Hubbard."

None of this is fair to the female born athletes, who have been training and training for this moment. Only to get usurped by somebody who very obviously has advantages over them. Many of the female athletes have shown distress about this. They say it feels like a bad/sick joke:

"Women were not consulted and did not consent to this policy which will make a complete mockery of their sport."

"If Hubbard wins, observers will see that an aging natal-male athlete who could never hope to be on an Olympic men’s podium can win a medal in the women’s division."

“Essentially, the policy of the IOC is that a transgender woman may have five times the average total testosterone of a biological woman.”

“Life-changing opportunities are missed for some athletes – medals and Olympic qualifications – and we are powerless. Of course, this debate is taking place in a broader context of discrimination against transgender people and that is why the question is never free of ideology.”

People are afraid to express their concern over this, because many supporters are using the word "discrimination" against them. Meaning if you disagree, you're suddenly against transgender people. So, not only are they going through all of this, but when they express their feelings over this, they're labeled discriminatory. Which, you know, is never good.

Now, I'm going to let my friend, Mary, take the reins:

"Hi, guys, my name is Margaret, but you can call me Mary for short. I have known Jordan since the third grade, and was actually born a male. I am 6'3 tall, I weigh about 180 lbs. I transitioned about 6 years ago, yet, there are always going to be factors that make me better than an average woman from a physical and biological standpoint. When I see people like Laurel Hubbard competing, completely unbothered, it genuinely infuriates me. I don't think it's fair to the women who have been training their whole lives for this,

When Hubbard was asked about this, this was her response:

"It's not really my job to change what they think, what they feel and what they believe. I just hope they look at the bigger picture, rather than just trusting whatever their gut may have told them. I'm just me."

But this isn't us being close minded. We are openly getting more and more supportive in favour of trans people. People are so much warmer to me now than they were back in, say, 2016.

However, even I, as a trans woman, see the unjust nature in this. There are just some cases where it can never be made fair, and this is one of them. The Olympics are a prime example of this. It can never be made fair, because we both know Hubbard will come out on top. Because like it or not, she has the body of a 30 something year old man, with 5 times more testosterone inside of her.

It's Jordan now, and I agree with everything Mary said above.

I love the Olympics.

But, I am not in support of Laurel Hubbard competing.

[fishoutofcamelot]

I saw your r recent contribution to the post about hard vs soft magic systems and I agree wholeheartedly. You also mentioned having a bunch of worldbuilding and stuff about the magic system, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to share some?

(For reference, this is the post in question)

Certainly! While the worldbuilding/magicbuilding hellscape i was describing in the notes is actually in regards to an original-content wip I've been working on, i also have a LOT of headcanons regarding the BBCM magic system too! (Do not ask about my wip's magic system, because i won't be able to shut up about it)

WARNING: long post ahead and mobile won't let me include a cutoff/read-more line. If you're not interested, get ready to scroll down like your life depends on it (and it does).

So! First things first. Here's what we know about the BBCM magic system:

Magic requires spells, most of the time. This seems like a no-brainer, but still an important distinction. There are a lot of magic systems that don't require vocalized spells - Avatar: the Last Airbender, Fullmetal Alchemist, and Ninjago, to name a few. Spells are rather common for wizard/witch/medieval fantasies, and are typically used to control and channel the intent of the magic. This suggests that the magic of BBCM is some kind of force or energy that needs spoken commands to control.

Spells are repurposed words from Old English, aka the language of the Old Religion. (Let's ignore the obvious anachronistic nightmare of the fact that Old English is exactly the same language they would've been speaking in this time period.)

The use of a spell causes someone's eyes to flare gold, plus that fancy wooshing sound effect that Arthur miraculously never hears. This suggests that magic somehow changes your physiology, although it could be also just be a side effect of channeling.

However, magic doesn't always require a spell. Though never fully explained, it appears to be something only innate magic users are capable of - Merlin, Morgana, Mordred. It is something less controllable than spellwork, typically governed by moments of strong emotion rather than logical intent.

The show consistently flip-flops between the idea that magic is something you're born with, and that Merlin is rare for being born with magic. It's never clarified just how someone acquires magic. Gaius asks Merlin where he studied, suggesting that it's something you can learn, while Balinor claims that you either have it or you don't. Though not confirmed fact, i suspect it's similar to how it works in the show Supernatural. There, some witches are natural-born, while others are taught (and some get their powers from spooky demon deals).

It has a life-for-a-life policy. Basically like the Law of Equivalent Exchange from Fullmetal Alchemist, a life cannot be created without another one being sacrificed first. This rule only canonically applies to creating life/the Cup of Life, and any other possible applications aren't addressed.

This rule apparently doesn't apply to animals, as Merlin brought a dog statue to life without killing anyone (that we know of), and Valiant's shield had three live snakes in it. However, it's possible that lives were taken as payment in the process of animation without Merlin's knowledge, but it never happens on screen so we don't know. So either a) animals don't have souls to exchange in the life-for-a-life policy, b) they do but it happens off-screen, or c) those animated animals aren't actually alive.

The Cup of Life infuriates me from a magicbuilding perspective. Ignoring the obvious question of how it came into the druids' possession, its existence isn't clearly defined. Does it require the fancy rain ritual that Nimueh gave it, or was she just extra? Why does drinking from it give you life, while bleeding into it makes you undead and also mindlessly obedient to the sorcerer who made you as such? Were there life-for-a-life consequences for creating an immortal army? Wtf happened on the Isle of the Blessed to allow Merlin to "master life and death", and what does that even mean? All valid questions that never get answered.

Spells sometimes need need a 'source'. Think the staff from "The Tears of Uther Pendragon" and Morgana from "The Fires of Idirsholas." It is unclear what makes these spells different/special.

There is a power hierarchy. Some spells are too powerful for some practitioners to cast, although the reason for this is unclear. Does it drain you of energy/life force? Do you exhaust/overwork your magic muscles? Do you get a little pop-up that says 404 Magic Not Found? Unclear.

Magic is something that can be trained and improved. For example, Morgana gradually became more powerful over time. Merlin naturally had a lot of power straight off the jump and just had to discipline it, but he's a ~special~ case so he doesn't count.

There are some subsets of magic that are definitively born traits. Morgana is a Seer, possessing this capability even before her magic manifested. Likewise, Merlin is a dragonlord, which he inherited from Balinor. Although Balinor did mention that it wasn't a sure thing he would have the ability until he faced a dragon, so there may be some variation in whether or not someone lucks out in the Magic Gene Pool. This may suggest that natural-born magic is hereditary, as both Morgana and her sister Morgause had it. Vivienne and Gorlois both probably didn't have it, otherwise you'd hear Uther bellyaching about it, which raises the question of where they got it? A grandparent, perhaps? Maybe they both carried a recessive magic gene or something...

Unless you're Merlin, magic can be taken away by the Gean Canagh. It's not explained how this is possible, though, as it's never explained how you acquire magic in the first place. But Merlin never lost his magic because he's "magic itself" which if you ask me is just a deus ex machina wrapped inside a headache wrapped inside a heaping load of chosen one bullcrap. But it's canonical lore, so we have to consider it.

Despite my previous complaints, i actually find the idea of Merlin being "magic itself" rather intriguing. Is he a creature of magic, like a dragon or a questing beast? Is his body made of magic, like how a statue might be made of clay? Does it run through his veins like blood? If this is the case, then why didn't he suffer more severe ramifications for losing his magic? Why didn't it kill him? How did it restrict his magic in the first place? Placebo effect? The fanon explanation is that he's "the living embodiment of magic" but that makes my bullcrap richter scale shoot off the charts because that makes NO sense whatsoever. "Son of the earth, sea, and sky?" What does that MEAN?

There is a vivid link between magic and the Old Religion, which has its own beliefs and rituals and deities. Primarily, the Triple Goddess. The Triple Goddess is actually an existing deity in Neopaganism and Wicca. This also suggests the existence of the Horned God, another entity from neopagan lore and her masculine consort/counterpart, but that is never confirmed.

WHO. OR. WHAT. IS. THE. FREAKING. DOCHRAID. She's described as a creature of magic, which suggests that humans/humanoids can be creatures of magic, fueling my theory that 'Emrys' isn't human.

Destiny exists. It is unclear who creates/writes destiny, who controls it, who or what is privy to knowing about it, and what that means for the concept of free will.

The crystal cave is a thing, i guess. It's the heart of magic, is haunted by Taliesin, and is filled with prophetic crystals. I actually skipped the episodes that involve this stuff because i disliked them, so i don't know much about the Crystal Cave. Apparently ghosts can manifest there tho???

The veil is a thing too. It is unclear how some spirits can retain their human figure and mentality, like Balinor and Uther, but others become dorocha. I imagine its also like Supernatural - being a ghost for long enough will drive you insane, and though it takes a while all spirits eventually turn into dorocha.

Creatures of magic exist. These are normal creatures who have magic imbued into them somehow.

Okay, i think that's everything we know. It seems like a lot, but keep in mind that all of those rules are VERY nebulous. But that at least gives us a jumping-off point!

So here's my working theory/headcanon.

Magic comes from a connection to the spiritual energies of the Triple Goddess. Kinda like a third eye, and for the sake of simplicity that's what we'll call it. The druids have adapted a way of life that revolves around faith and magic, likely in an attempt to cultivate and one day attain this Third Eye. Like Gaius, who trained with the High Priestesses, you can study and practice and discipline yourself into acquiring it.

Magic is a cosmic force owned by the Triple Goddess, accessible to anyone with the Third Eye link. Imagine the Triple Goddess as a milkshake and the so-called Third Eye as a straw. The studying and training that people dedicate their whole lives to is basically just looking for/building a straw.

However, some people are just naturally born with a straw in hand, but require practice and study to be able to properly use it. Or like Morgana, it takes a few years for them to even find it/activate it.

Spellcasting is essentially just sucking through the straw, and the vocalized spells gives that Magic Milkshake some purpose/intent/shape.

The bigger the spell, the more Magic Milkshake is required. Some people have bigger/wider straws than others, so magic comes easier for them. But with enough training and practice anyone can widen their straw/strengthen their straw-sucking muscles to cast with the big leagues.

The Gean Canagh devours your straw/Third Eye. Perhaps you have to rebuild a new spiritual connection from scratch, or perhaps it permanently severs any and all connection to the Triple Goddess. Like getting excommunicated from the Church, only worse.

The Crystal Cave was/is the Triple Goddess's home, but she's out of town on a business trip atm so she left the spirit of her most loyal follower, Taliesin, to look after the place. It's super powerful and has all those cool crystals because it's hella steeped in her magic juices.

While most magic users get a standard-issue straw, others get Fancy Premium Membership Straws. Normal joe shmoes like Gilli have plastic straws, while a Seer like Morgana has a metal one or something (can you tell this metaphor is starting to get out of hand?). Those Premium Straws are only hereditary in nature. So there's a Seer Straw, or a Dragonlord Straw, or a Disir Straw, but it's also not a sure thing you'll even inherit it at all. It's all luck of the straw draw.

Creatures of magic aren't just animals that possess straws, though. They've been made/produced using magic rituals and processes and spells. Like Nimueh's afanc, nathairs, wraiths, shades, etc. So probably like a thousand years ago, some especially powerful shmuck came by and invented dragons. Which leads me to an important question: WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THE DOCHRAID WAS A GOOD IDEA.

Im reluctant to say these creatures were invented by the Triple Goddess, though, for reasons I'll get to in a moment.

So this still leaves the whole Cup of Life, life-for-a-life policy thing to be explained. I do believe that the policy is universally applicable to the creation of souls, and i do believe that animals have souls too. But individuals get their souls exchanged for those of equal value. So every soul has a certain weight to it, and you need to exchange souls of equal weight to create one. So when Merlin brought the dog to life, some random dog somewhere dropped dead against his knowledge.

Creating undead armies involves killing them and then resurrecting them. That's what 'undead' means. Zombies. So yes, to raise an immortal zombie army, Morgause's spell probably caused a bunch of people around the world to mysteriously drop dead.

Which leaves two last things to explain: destiny and Merlin.

Destiny is, i think, a combined effort between human choice and supernatural predeterminism. That is, for the most part humans make their own choices, but there are occasions where the Triple Goddess has to step in and do some course correction. Uther starting the Purge was free will, but Arthur and Merlin's destiny was an act of divine damage control. The Triple Goddess sets destiny into motion and informs a chosen few about it.

Okay SO. That leaves Merlin. And this is the bit im kinda excited about.

The Triple Goddess is a reservoir of power, a cosmic force of spiritual energy intrinsicallu linked to the fabric of the universe. People can spiritually reach out and tune into/channel her supernatural frequencies. But as a milkshake cannot suck itself through a straw, the Triple Goddess likewise cannot cast a spell. She can influence destiny, but she can't physically cast any magic on her own. That's why she didn't create the creatures of magic.

So a few years ago, Uther hecked up big time. And people of magic, the Triple Goddess's followers and acolytes and straw connections, were dying in droves. I can imagine that all those Third Eye tethers snapping en masse was painful for her to go through. She relies on the tethers to remain connected to the real world, and if all the tethers snap then she will be cut off from Earth altogether. And Earth requires magic to continue existing/thriving, so that's kind of a no-no.

So, the Triple Goddess knew that the only way to save the world was through divine intervention. Thus began the destiny of the Once and Future King and Emrys. She knew humanity is bigoted so there was bound to eventually be a repeat of Uther, so she made OaFK resurrectable, so they could keep him on the bench in case anyone ever needs him again.

Where does Merlin/Emrys fall into things?

Well. The Triple Goddess knew that saving her people and the world would require an immense magical undertaking, something no ordinary magic user would be able to pull off. But she has the power, if only she could use it. But a human can. So the Triple Goddess decided to be reborn into the body of a dragonlord's son. Merlin. Emrys. Magic itself.

Of course, this whole Being Born As A Human Thing is tricky, and as anyone familiar with reincarnation knows, you don't usually recall your past lives. So she became Merlin, unaware that he was ever the Triple Goddess. (Although she did add a clause saying she'd be destined to remember her past life eventually, which got hecked up for reasons ill explain later)

That's why so many creatures of magic/magic users recognize Merlin by his presence, why thr druids carry such reverence for him. Whereas the sidhe and other individuals don't recognize him, because they are blinded by heresy. They may have a spiritual connection to the Triple Goddess, but do not use her magic as she intended, and she's too busy wearing jaunty scarves to excommunicate them herself.

Why get the Once and Future King involved when she could just save everyone herself? Well, the Triple Goddess prefers to let the humans keep their agency and save themselves, and would rather remain in the role of protector/helper. Its just her nature.

But if that's the case, then why did Arthur's destiny fail? It's simple: Kilgharrah.

Remember what i said about the Horned God, counterpart to the Triple Goddess? Yeah, that's Kilgharrah. Like the Triple Goddess, he's another power reservoir, but he's jealous because people worship her and not him. He is against everything she does and actively seeks the destruction of the Triple Goddess's magic/influence for Jealous Evil Reasons. To stop him, the Triple Goddess enlisted some of her followers to bind him into the body of a dragon (perhaps this is how dragons were created) so he would never be able to do that. Years later, the Purge happened and "Kilgharrah" got locked away, further cut off from his power.

When Merlin walked in, unaware that he used to be the Triple Goddess, Kilgharrah seized his chance at revenge and manipulated Merlin into setting him free. Then, once free, he decided to lay claim to the power vacuum left by the Triple Goddess's quasi-absence. He began controlling destiny in whatever limited capacities he could, using magic of his own to permanently bury Merlin's knowledge of his past life. Then he ensured that Arthur would die and the Triple Goddess's magic would never return. But since he doesn't have FULL control over destiny (his powers are still limited by his dragon form, after all), he couldn't rewrite the bit where Arthur gets benched in Avalon. He's probably conspiring with the sidhe to ensure Arthur stays trapped there forever, or else he would've come back a long time ago.

As for how the Gean Canagh took Merlin's magic...well, yes, it devoured his Third Eye straw, but those are created by a strong spiritual connection to the Triple Goddess. And since he's literally the big TG himself, all he had to do was find himself again (by returning to his old home, the Crystal Cave) to recreate a new one.

Over the last 1500 years, Kilgharrah/the Horned God has been steadily accruing followers and worshippers in the hopes that one will become strong enough to release TG's bonds on him. Then he can kill her once and for all and claim full dominion over the universe, with the sidhe to support him.

I imagine that's how Arthur's resurrection would happen - Arthur and the rest of the dead Round Table are in Avalon when they learn about the treachery and plot to kill Merlin/take over the world, and spend the next few hundred years fighting their way out of Avalon.

Okay, I think that just about covers it. God, that was long. Any questions?

[nickblaine]

season 3 script summaries (nick)

first of all - special thanks to reddit user cablab123 and @dystopiandramaqueen​​ for making phonecalls to the writer’s guild that resulted in them getting the season 3 scripts from the studios this soon 💖 we have these because of you!

just to clarify, these notes are about nick scenes only. am i biased? yes. will i go back and read the rest? i don’t know. i didn’t like this season, so i don’t have much energy for it. but i did read the other cut scenes which i will summarize in another post later. this one is about nick.

reminder that anything i put in quotes is direct phrasing from the scripts. however there are copyright laws in place, which is why i can't provide copies or photos. edited to add: because i’ve seen some doubts about my authenticity, click here for proof.

i do accept questions, but i will only respond if i have an answer. i may come back and respond eventually if i find the answer on a future library trip.

possible spoiler warning: there are 2 cut scenes in here which may or may not be considered spoilery if they use them in season 4. the cut scene from 3x12 in particular could be a big indicator of what’s to come next season.

finally - please do not share this post without my permission, and thank you in advance for respecting my wishes.

3x01

nick has fred trapped in the room. after serena says, “we should give her more time to get away,” and leaves, fred turns to nick and accuses him of having so little respect for their family that he would involve them in his crimes. nick straight up tells fred, “I did it for her. For June.” it says fred knew this but hearing it shakes him up. this is the catalyst for their open disdain for each other from now on.  

there was more to nick & june’s argument that we didn’t see, which showed june regretting staying in gilead. after she says “don’t you think i know that?” she breaks down and admits: “I fucked up. I fucked it all up. I should’ve gone. I’m a fucking idiot. But I couldn’t leave her here, I couldn’t leave her behind.” nick feels deep sympathy for her after this confession, and they let go of their anger and share an embrace. i’m real mad this got cut, it showed a lot of june’s vulnerable side.  

after the house fire, nick is leaving and: “June searches for something to say. Goodbye? I’m sorry?” but she can’t because they’re in public. originally he said “Take care” and she settled on “Bless you.” (personally, i think i like the onscreen version better.)

3x03

there was lots of nick “finding this exchange excruciating” during the commander meeting at the lawrence house. he just wanted to help june the whole time joseph is tormenting her. they are “desperate to communicate” throughout this scene. also, joseph was carefully observing nick, june and fred the whole time. they never explain why, but june seems to think he’s just amused by it all.  

when nick came back to visit that night, he and beth share a sweet moment at the back door. nick asks her if she’s okay. beth tells him she’s scared shitless. he comforts her with a hug, during which she jokes, “You look ridiculous in that get-up,” and nick says, “I know.” (i love beth and nick’s friendship... i wish they didn’t throw away the opportunity to show it this season.)  

when nick goes upstairs, his and june’s conversation was written to be a lot less cold than it is in the final cut. june immediately goes to nick for comfort when he comes to her room. “She needs him desperately. She needs his help.” but the news of his deployment shakes her. they are both described as infuriated by their situation, and “drowning in their own futility.” when june opens the door and invites nick back in, they share a kiss and “wrap themselves around each other. For the last time.” 😭 then june closes* and locks the door (to juxtapose her old bedroom with the door that never locked.)   *still disappointed by that closed door? see here!  

3x05

in luke’s tape, june is scripted to say, “You met him. He helped me to survive. I was in love with him." the description of luke’s emotions here say he feels stunned as well as “relief that Nichole isn’t the product of rape... and yet, June found love. She moved on.”  

3x06

when nick and june reunite in DC... nick was spicy during that prayer scene 🔥 june could feel him trying not to look at her. and this line killed me: “His fingers trail, just barely, over June’s hip. Across her bare fingers. On June, feeling his hand.”  

nick and june’s kiss in the snow did not have much description. just lots of natural chemistry on max and lizzie’s part. also, they were supposed to share one more kiss after nick agreed to meet with the swiss. speaking of...  

NICK. MET. WITH. THE. SWISS. people can stop claiming he ditched his daughter now. the script makes it clear. nick walks into the room with mattias and meets lena and sofia before the scene cuts. we don’t get to see what they talk about, but he tried to do the right thing for holly per june’s wishes, against his better judgement.  

no further explanation for why the swiss don’t want to work with nick. when lena tells june she can’t work with nick, all it says is that june’s “association with Nick has left her somehow tainted.”  

june feels “betrayed” by learning that nick was a soldier in the crusade, and continues to throughout the season. though the script never explains why she feels so betrayed by something that she has done herself (killing innocent people under orders) or why she is so quick to believe serena joy when she is familiar with her manipulation. her thoughts in that scene are described as she is “absorbing the fact that Nick was a terrorist.” take that as you will. however, the following scenes clarify exactly what he did...

THE TRAIN SCENE: there’s a very important line describing how nick really feels about being a commander: “The troops salute him. Nick returns the salute, hating all the choices that led him here.”  

immediately following that line is a cut NICK FLASHBACK! here’s the summary: nick was in DC during the coup. he was on guard duty. yep, big bad terrorist war criminal nick blaine was a glorified security guard. in this scene, nick and a young soldier named trevor are guarding an empty basement stairwell in the capitol building during the coup. trevor is complaining that they are “mall cops” while “everyone gets to actually do something,” meanwhile nick is described as “looking sick.” then there is an explosion in the stairwell, followed by a brief shootout where trevor is killed. nick shoots back “out of instinct” and it’s revealed he’s killed a capitol security guard and a bureaucrat.

immediately after the flashback is the cut shot of nick (above) looking sadly out the window, remembering those choices that led him here.  

it’s worth noting that the flashback scene contrasts starkly with serena’s words just prior, which were scripted as: “He served Gilead. He believed in something greater than himself. He was a soldier in the crusade. We wouldn’t be here without him.” so it seems pretty clear they are setting this up to be misjudgment on june’s part.  

the shot of nick looking sadly out the window was supposed to be followed by a parallel shot of june looking sadly out the window of the winslow house, reflecting on her meeting with nick the night before. 😢  

3x10

just wanted to note here that despite june feeling “betrayed” by nick since 3x06, when fred suggests transferring her to DC she actually considers it could be a good idea because she would be “closer to Nichole. And maybe even Nick.” so he is not absent from her thoughts.  

3x12

warning: the following scene may be spoilery for season 4??

thank god, we were right about a cut scene in this episode. there was exactly one (1) nick in chicago scene, and it took place immediately after luke punches fred. and just like max said, it confirms nick has been one step ahead all along.

in this scene, nick is observing the war in chicago and talking with his “lead commander” (pictured in the promo still above.) the lead commander tells him that they are being transferred to lake huron to put pressure on toronto in lieu of waterford’s capture and winslow going missing.

nick - hiding his shock at this news - carefully presses for more info. the lead commander doesn’t have anymore to say about waterford, but he laments the fact that this means he’s not going to get his weekend leave and that his daughter will be disappointed. his daughter’s name? agnes. that’s right, the big reveal of this scene is that nick is now working directly under commander mackenzie, and it is no coincidence. the scene ends on nick, “watching [mackenzie] walk away, wheels already turning.”

guys... this means NICK IS GOING AFTER HANNAH!

this must be what max was referring to when he said that everyone is in an interesting position for season 4 in this interview. so much for him being irrelevant to june’s story just because he’s a dude, i guess. 🤷‍♀️

there was also a whole bombing action sequence in this scene including fighter jets, it sounded very extra and VFX-intensive. nick and commander mackenzie are watching it all go down from a distance while they talk.

i can’t say for sure why these scenes were cut, but the producers served up 3 different sets of excuses, some of which don’t line up with what was written (e.g. “strictly june’s perspective” ...sure 🙄) so it’s safe to say that whatever led to them cutting these scenes out, we will probably never know for sure. but i do know they were filmed and the decision was made post-production, we have evidence of that.  

additional observations:

there is still no real explanation for why or how nick got promoted to commander, and i don’t think they ever will. it appears to me that it was just another contrived plot point so they have a reason to send a low-status driver into war.  

while i am glad they softened the extent of nick’s involvement in the coup, it also makes it harder to understand why he said he was “due” a promotion to commander when his contributions to gilead are so relatively insignificant. again, we may never know.  

there were several cut voiceovers of june praying to god throughout the season, and despite calling holly mainly by “nichole” in dialogue, she only referred to her as holly in her prayers. so her real name is still holly. i will die on this hill.  

commander mackenzie mentions to nick that the move has been hard on hannah but the script does not clarify where they have moved to. hannah and mrs. mackenzie are presumably far from the great lakes region because nick’s response is, “May God bring you home to her soon.”  

can we talk about how nick has an active plan for hannah? and how he never gave up on his promise from 2x03? and that while june has lost all hope of seeing her daughter again, she has no idea how close nick is? and that this is sounding a lot like one of my fics? hire me already bruce. these are things i think about A Lot  

lake huron means nick is going back home to MICHIGAN so rebel commander blaine is back on the menu boys  

nick in the script is - as always - a bit more rough and forward than what we see onscreen. max has a talent for softening nick’s interactions with june and showing respect with his body language, while maintaining the intensity between them. i also cannot praise enough how much he makes out of little to no script direction and minimal dialogue.  

that sweet, sweet vindication of confirming yet again that nick is worth a lot more than viewers (and june) give him credit for. i only hope his value in this story isn’t realized too late.  

(gif credit: @splitscreen​, @outlassed​ & me)

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

a kinda specific question: high ne users are seem to be considered the most stereotypically childish for being scattered around and just 'quirky' in some way but what enneagram would add to such impression? i never ever got called childish before but my current friend group does it all the time which is confusing and even irritating sometimes. to be honest it's probably just this friend group thing but it has definitely left me wondering.

I mean there’s a couple things going on here.

Enneagram 7 often is found in conjunction with high Ne or high Se and is similarly scattered. Enneagram 4, meanwhile, is probably the enneatype I’d associate most with being quirky.

That said: I don’t know if you are a native English speaker, or what your specific friend group intends, but I would draw a pretty big distinction between “childlike” and “childish”. 

High Ne users or 7s can be childlike - full of wonder for small things, creative without being overly conscious of limitations - and that’s a compliment.

They can also be childish - irresponsible, flaky, and refusing to make sacrifices to meet obligations - and that’s a criticism.

If I call someone childlike, I’m admiring or at least respecting their perspective.

If I call someone childish, I find them annoying at best and infuriating at worst.

If this is you translating a word from a different language then there’s a decent chance you can disregard this (it’s very possible that the word in said language has different shades of meaning that I’ve talked about here). But if you’re a native English speaker or your friends are native English speakers, this is a sign you should probably say “any reason why you’re calling me that?” Honestly even if this was in translation, ask them anyway if you want to know what the deal is; even people who use MBTI aren’t going to be like “my friend is an ENFP, I’m going to call them childlike or childish”, they’re going to be like “my friend was supposed to water my plants when I was on vacation and got distracted by YouTube videos and didn’t apologize, and I found that really childish”.

[elmidol]

Tenacity and Rebirth

Three Blind Tooke Part Three Death Is An Art

Read on AO3

Three Blind Tooke 

 Part Three: Death is an Art

 Chapter Sixty-Two: Tenacity and Rebirth

 If not for you,

I could never survive

This one moment,

The most painful of my life.

 The chaos of battle was not a new experience for you, although the change in perspective remained a novelty. Too accustomed had you grown to observing the carnage through the lens of your scope. In that moment, you would not have traded your position for anything in the world--that would have stolen you away from the nearer proximity to Kylo. Your grip on the lightsaber that had belonged to his mother tightened. The ground under your cheek shook as the planet itself was assaulted by blasts from weapons of war. You stumbled, regained your footing, and surged towards the Force users. Finn and the Knights of Ren had also taken paths to bring themselves closer to Kylo Ren, Rey, and Not-Rey. Other Force users that had--stupidly, you thought--aligned themselves with the First Order worked to thwart these actions. If not for them, Finn might have been at Rey’s side when Not-Rey and Kylo both called upon the Force to knock her back several paces. Her body hit the ground, albeit not as hard as it might have had she not recovered enough to use the Force to lessen the impact.

 What you were working to do would be suicide. Someone yelled that to you--a Knight, an officer, a stormtrooper, a Resistance member, you did not know. It hardly mattered. You would not stop running towards Kylo Ren. A body slamming into yours rendered that statement a lie. You and the assailant landed on the ground. Rolling, you quickly activated Leia’s lightsaber and used the plasma blade to impale their throat. The blaster that would have been used to kill you, that had been on a trail to meet your gut, tumbled out of their grasp as their floundered, perished. You deactivated the blade in unison with pushing yourself back up onto your feet. Winded, you mentally swore at the delay that this had caused.

 Fissures were forming in the ground at each clash of Not-Rey and Kylo’s blades. The power swirling about them had kicked up a wind that lifted pebbles, stones that were the size of fists. You suddenly wished that you had grabbed your helmet for protection. There was no undoing the past, however, and so you simply changed course. Rey had heightened reflexes, which meant that if you were beside her, you stood a greater chance of succeeding. In the interim, you endured those pebbles cutting into you, beating you, bruising you and drawing blood.

 Rey, possibly sensing you, paused until you were only a few feet away--in hearing range, which allowed you to heed her words. “He’s so cold. I haven’t felt anything like this since… I was small and on Jakku.” She shuddered, the shiver not from the weather. Its emphasis on what she had said made you hold your breath for a beat. The pair of you activated your lightsabers, two Skywalker blades that were meant to protect the last of that bloodline. You followed along a few steps behind her, mimicking her actions to effectively dodge any projectiles as well as deflect First Order soldiers that successfully broke through all obstacles and arrived where the pair of you were.

 You readjusted your grip on the lightsaber that was in your possession. You knew that your fighting stance was incorrect; you had never before wielded such a weapon, and, yes, a part of you did fear it. You recalled how it felt to be injured by the plasma. Knew the impact it had. You were concerned that it would ricochet into you, that you would lose a limb. That you would fail Kylo. Yet the timorous voice in your head that preached these potential failures was one you disregarded as you pushed onward.

 Rey linked an arm into yours, yanking you out of the way of one blaster bolt, released you, and used the Force to stop a second that would have pierced the both of you--you in the arm and her in the clavicle. You bared your teeth, looking in the direction from whence it had come. This allowed you to also check on Cardo’s status. The medic remained kneeling over him, two other Knights of Ren nearby, keeping away foes. As Rey turned on her heel to refocus on the task of joining Kylo, you looked to Not-Rey. They looked so alike, Rey and Not-Rey; and as the Darkness in Kylo grew there were shadows forming on Rey’s face. As though this might drown her, the bond they shared in the Force threatening to crush both. Watching her in the corner of your eye, however, you could not help but note that there was also a Light that refused to go out. Instead it grew brighter in the face of Darkness. If one went to an extreme, the other shifted to encompass its opposite on the spectrum. The Force balanced itself by using these two.

 Not-Rey and Kylo were thrust back from one another after a coupling of their blades temporarily linked them and they both called on the Force for more strength. It was Not-Rey that drew nearer to the two of you as a result. Rey locked blades with her family member, and you ran past her towards the amber-eyed man that was not bothering to look at you. His hand surged forward when you were near to him, and you were tugged into his grasp. Still his eyes did not consider you. You clutched at his hand with both of yours, which took additional effort as you fought to keep hold of the lightsaber that was in your possession.

 “Kylo!” you growled out, weakly slamming the metal of the weapon’s hilt against his wrist. That did earn his attention. He lowered you so that your feet were once more on the ground, however he did not release you. He barely lessened his hold. “I’m on your side.”

 “Are you?” The challenge was punctuated by additional pressure from his thumb. Another bruise, you passively thought. His eyes roamed along your face, drinking in your expression for signs of deceit. Finding none, Kylo did at last remove his hand from your throat. You staggered forward, managing to catch yourself before you could collide into him. “I will kill her.”

 “That’s fine! I just don’t want you to kill Rey!” It was infuriating but understandable, his entire attitude. The coolness of his gaze sent an icy chill through you, and now you shuddered just as Rey had when she had sensed the changes he was undergoing. You felt some of it, and yet it was different--because you felt his emotions as well, felt his loss; and because you loved him. “I…” You scanned the various skirmishes taking place nearby, and in truth you were surprised that Kylo as giving you the time to do so. That he was not actively pursuing Rey and Not-Rey. Your very presence aided in leveling him out. It helped him to center himself. “If Finn is here, he can help me keep Rey away.” Finn would understand and would agree. This was not about hurting Rey. It was saving her and others. Not-Rey had made her decision and would not stop until she was killed. The same blood that ran through their veins was a curse, nothing more.

 Kylo nodded in assent, his eyes momentarily darting to Not-Rey. Then he half-turned so as to engage the nearest First Order soldiers that were preventing Finn from getting closer. It was as though they had understood that keeping him away from Rey aided the First Order. It kept Not-Rey alive, which sealed the deaths of Order of Ren and Resistance members alike. The red blade cut through two enemies before you could even injure a single target. Kylo was faster, adrenaline and hatred equally fueling him. Another enemy impaled simultaneous to a different individual being crushed with the Force. Finn, perhaps sensing the enclosing Darkness, pivoted. His wide eyes returned to normal immediately upon seeing you. The two of you nodded at one another in understanding.

 Together, the three of you cut through the First Order enemies that had kept you apart. You spoke to him, quickly explaining the plan; Finn nodded the entire time, verbally agreeing though he wore a pained expression near the end. Neither of you wanted to hurt Rey. It did not matter that there was no way around this. Nothing was going to lessen the blow.

 “As soon as we take care of her, I can use a comlink to get hold of Rose or Poe.” A truce, you understood. A way to relay to the remainder of the Resistance that the only enemy to pursue was the First Order. You glanced towards Kylo only to find that he was no longer paying attention. “I know it will happen.” Finn was not relying on Kylo, but on you. You pinched your lips into a thin line, feeling simultaneously confident and helpless. “Ren?”

 In slow motion, Kylo met Finn’s gaze, which briefly narrowed. Kylo nodded. You understood nothing, which frustrated you. There was no time to dwell on these thoughts, however, as both men began to head for Rey and Not-Rey. Licking your lips, wincing at the injuries you were beginning to feel, you moved to join them. Because he was not locked in battle with Not-Rey, Kylo Ren was not exuded as much Darkness, which meant there were less stones in the air. Less things cutting into you. Your fatigued body screamed for you to stop, but you would not listen. You could not rest. You would assist Finn in convincing Rey that she had to keep back away from her relative.

 How could you explain that blood did not determine family? This was what she had longed for, and you could well remember the ache you had felt when you had believed you had lost your entire family.

 Rey reached a hand towards the three of you, and it felt as though you had walked straight into a wall. Perhaps you would have been thrown backwards had Kylo and Finn not sensed what she was doing and each raised a hand to deflect her power. Maker, you despised how the Force could be used against you. Wiping sweat off your brow with an arm, you resumed walking to her and endured her glare while offering one of your own. Finn caught her blade on the end of his. Not that she had swung in earnest; she had known she would not harm him, but had given into frustration all the same.

 “No!” she screamed as Kylo Ren took her former position, engaging Not-Rey. You held a hand behind your back, felt the hilt of the lightsaber wobbling, and opened your fingers. Leia’s lightsaber returned to her son so that he could kill the woman that had assisted in her execution. “No!” This shout from Rey was weaker, and she dropped down to her knees.

 Your heart ached at the sight of her tears. Finn glanced at you, sending the message that he had to remain alert, ready to stop her should Rey leap up. Telling you that he had to remain on his feet so as to fight any foe that approached. You, on the other hand, could lower yourself to the ground and join Rey. You placed both of your hands atop hers. She curled her hands into fists, her glare harsher, crueler, a flicker of hatred piercing you.

 “Who that woman is doesn’t define you,” you said, not even sure where the words were coming from. Kylo? Finn? Rey? Yourself? “I’m so sorry, Rey. I…”

 “Just...don’t.” She shook her head, allowing the first of her tears to fall. “There is nothing you can say...nothing…” Her voice caught in her throat. You nodded, respecting her wishes. Looked over her shoulder towards Cardo. Could not tell if he was still alive. Did not know if Kylo Ren had lost a member of his blood family and found family on the same day.

 The cacophony of battle dwindled to a low buzz as your mind worked to shield you from anything that was not Rey or Cardo or Kylo. Yet even for those important individuals, you discovered that your attention wavered. Remaining in place yielded the result of an adrenaline decrease. Exhaustion began to work through your limbs. Injuries screamed, demanding your attention. Chest heaving, you greedily drank in air while searching Rey’s face with your eyes then your hands when you could not be certain there were no hallucinations. Rey did not bat away the limbs. The intended targets of touch were the shadows that played along her countenance. These traces of darkness assisted in amplifying the similarities between her and Not-Rey.

 Rey enveloped you in her arms and buried her face in the crook of your neck. Her hands were in constant motion. She was reaching with the Force and using that power to aid Finn in halting potential injury to any of the three of you. You placed both of your hands on her back. Returned the embrace and remembered how she had done the same for you when she had agreed to remain behind on the day of Snoke’s demise. She had stayed for you. The two of you had never met before that, not officially, and yet she had felt in the Force that connection. With Not-Rey, you could tell, it was solely because of the blood they shared and Rey’s desire to find her family that she struggled with. She knew that there was no connection beyond that, that Not-Rey would kill her with little to no thought if given the chance. She had been sold by her family, a kind of rejection that she had not been fully old enough to comprehend at the time. Now she had been rejected again.

 As much as you wanted to tell her that it would be okay, you were afraid that fate would prove you a liar. Leia had already fallen in this battle. Cardo could be on the way to losing his life as well. So many potential deaths.

 “I can feel something,” she murmured. Finn made a noise of agreement. 

 This interaction prompted you to look back at Kylo Ren, who had been joined by Vicrul. Not-Rey caught Leia’s blade on one side of her own weapon then Kylo’s on the other. At that angle of the blades, her only move to fully disengage without injury would have been to push backwards. That was where Vicrul’s presence assisted Kylo. The Knight had his weapon at the ready; the scythe, from what you had been told, he used to tear the souls out of enemies to augment his own power. If Not-Rey thrust herself away from Kylo, her flesh would be caught on its sharpened blade.

 There was a moment wherein Kylo Ren and Vicrul shared a look. Despite his mask, Vicrul was able to be read by Kylo. The exchange would have been easy to miss if you had not been paying such close attention. Not-Rey, too, was not oblivious to what had happened. Her face broke out in a snarl and she released a scream of rage. The Force swirled around them as it had before. Rey shuddered, trembling against you as the Dark power rose in both Not-Rey and Kylo. Perhaps in Vicrul as well, although you could not be certain.

 You were forced to shield your eyes with one hand, which obscured a part of your vision. The three warriors shifted, Not-Rey trapped despite the way she called on the Force for aid. Her next shriek was also one of rage yet it contained pain as well. The sound reverberated through you with how the wail seemed to be sucked into a void. Rey’s head snapped upwards. It caught you in the chin, and you rubbed at your jaw, sucked on your bloodied tongue, which you had bitten upon impact. Together with Rey, you rose shakily to your feet and stared.

 Vicrul’s scythe had been thrust through Not-Rey from back to front. Kylo Ren had released his hold on both lightsabers. It was Vicrul who held them. And it was Kylo who had a hand hovering over the tip of the scythe, which meant that he had used the Force to drag it through her. Kylo Ren himself had been the one to kill Not-Rey, and there was something in you that stirred. A sense of awe and of concern. The premonition that it would be revealed he had absorbed Not-Rey’s essence. Be it her soul or her power only, it did not matter. This potential precognitive realization meant little. It did not change the feelings you had for him nor the relief that Not-Rey was dead.

 Finn gave your shoulder a pat. Your knees began to buckle, nearly giving out completely on you. Rey and Finn each grabbed one of your arms to keep you from collapsing. “Give me a moment to find a comlink. I need to get in contact with Rose or Poe.” He took another moment before stepping away. Before that he, like you, had watched as Kylo yanked his hand backwards and drawn the scythe the remainder of the way through. Then Kylo had traded weapons with Vicrul again, both men setting off in different directions to cut through more First Order foes.

 “We’re sitting ducks here if we stay,” you said, trying to work through the various routes things could go. Hux would easily be able to eliminate the majority of the Order of Ren leadership along with the Resistance. You doubted, despite this, that he was sitting up there where he could be killed. That was not his style; there was taking risks, and then there was being foolish. After witnessing the display of Kylo Ren’s power with the deaths of the ysalamir, Supreme Leader Hux would aim to kill the man with technology yet he would not bank on a full victory on this day. You tilted back your head and scanned the skies.

 Order of Ren and Resistance starfighters slowly disengaged from battling one another in favor of allying themselves against what First Order ships remained. There were more casualties as the news was relayed, delays occurring alongside miscommunication. You felt your stomach swoop and plummet with each death that you witnessed. As those starfighters cut through the enemy, there were transports arriving on the planet for both the Order of Ren and the Resistance. The Night Buzzard had been brought in closer, landing where Cardo could be carted inside along with the medic and nearby Knights. Vicrul and Kylo remained on the ground, neither reacting as the Night Buzzard lifted for a second time. This time it headed towards the sky, towards escape. The Millennium Falcon blasted a First Order TIE that had started pursuit. You breathed a sigh of relief. Heard Rey whisper that Chewbacca, Poe, and Rose were all aboard that vessel.

 The temporary alliance was more clear to you as your mind processed what you had seen in regards to the Knights of Ren ship; a Resistance fighter had also gone up the ramp. They had been holding supplies for the field medic, had been working to help keep Cardo alive. Likewise, several Order of Ren officers and stormtroopers boarded a Resistance transport that was on the ground. The soldiers worked together to kill First Order troops and allies.

 Looking away, you began a search for Kylo and thus learned that his path was taking him to his mother’s body. You tiredly started forward in pursuit. Rey walked a mere two feet behind. Her lightsaber hummed, its blade screeching whenever it was assaulted with a barrage of blaster bolts that it then deflected. Finn was headed in the same direction. So, too, was the Millennium Falcon. Kylo Ren reached Leia first, and by the time you arrived to join him, he had already lowered himself long enough to scoop her up into his arms. He hugged her tightly against his chest, which heaved but a single time. Other than that he displayed no signs of despair--nothing typical, that is, since the color of his eyes betrayed how her death continued to shake him.

 “We’re leaving?” You were fairly certain that you already possessed the answer to the inquiry, however you refused to take for granted that he could give into his rage once more. Kylo’s gaze flicked to you, considered Rey and Finn, and then he twisted so as to locate the Millennium Falcon. The ship was beginning its descent though it was not powering down its engines in a way to suggest its pilot planned a prolonged touchdown. Kylo stepped in the direction of the ship. Its ramp was lowering, and Chewbacca was visible in the formed opening. His despair was vocalized in a bellow that nearly dropped you down onto your knees. Tears sprang to your eyes; they were the ones that you had somehow managed to choke back when all the others had fallen.

 The back of your arm served as a tool with which you wiped away the liquid from your face. Rey had her free hand on the small of your back, urging you forward. Even as he walked, Kylo turned and called to Vicrul a command that the body of Not-Rey be collected. You wondered if this was so that he could study her or if it was to reduce her to ash as part of his new collection. Whichever the case, his words impacted Rey. Her fingers twitched enough that you felt them jump along your spine.

 Chewbacca reached out for Leia, yet Kylo did not oblige this silent request. He clutched his mother, altering how he held her so that he could use one hand to grab onto Chewie, who tugged him aboard the Falcon. The familiarity between the two struck you. How had you taken for granted that this wookie was, in a way, also part of Kylo Ren’s childhood family?

 Finn was next to board the Falcon. He turned around and, along with Chewbacca, seized your tired arms and dragged up into the ship. Rey used the Force to jump higher than a non-Force sensitive could, which was not much different than what Finn had accomplished.

 In order to relocate Kylo for what felt like the millionth time in a handful of hours, you were forced to set off in a jog. Stumbling thrice, you growled out annoyance over his familiarity with the Falcon. He had a predetermined destination in mind and that was where he headed. His loud boot stomps were a gift, perhaps intentional on his part. He was not going to leave you behind no matter his pain. It was the others that he worked to abandon. Any other Resistance members jerked away from him, which you noticed the very first time you turned a corner and caught a glimpse of him. Two corners later, you paused at the doorway.

 You took a heavy breath while stepping inside. The door slammed closed with extra force, an indication that Kylo Ren would not allow anyone else near. Not for now, not for--how long? It hardly mattered. You walked to him; his back faced the door, and he was seated on the ground. Legs spread, his mother’s head in the crook of an arm, one hand on her face as he wiped clean the spit that had mostly dried.

 As you moved around him, you noticed two things: his eyes maintained a different hue than their norm though they were not quite so red-rimmed in their irises, and there were tears slipping along his cheeks. You did not comment on either. Did not say anything at all. Only lowered yourself onto your knees, and stared at mother and son.

 Footsteps on the other side of the door preceded another wookie wail of despair. Your lips parted at their sound. Still you said nothing. The world around you buzzed, tilted. The Millennium Falcon was in flight, but you could not say if that was the cause of this vertigo or not. Chewbacca slammed a fist against the door. Then two fists. The metal dented. Snarling, Kylo’s grip on his mother’s lifeless body tightened. He allowed the door to open, which had been the only way to silence those fists.

 Just as with you, after Chewbacca entered the room, the door slammed closed. You barely had a chance to catch a glimpse of Rose and Finn standing on the other side. You assumed that Poe and Rey were working together as pilot and co-pilot in order to ensure a successful escape. Chewbacca lowered onto his knees without attempting to touch Leia or Kylo. Your mind was spinning. Reality was shifting all around you, going in and out of focus.

 Apologies would not bring her back. Nothing would. You wrapped your arms around yourself, mindlessly humming a tune that your father and mother had taught you. It was one that played at funerals yet also a tune that you had loved beyond that. A strange post-mortem hope. Kylo lifted his eyes off of his mother’s body. His mouth opened, his moistened jaw wobbling though he refused to let free a sob or any other sound that would fully display his despair.

 He had danced with you. He had given you gifts. He had saved your mother. You could only sing, shyly, softly. A tightness lodged itself in your throat but you persevered. You sang for your mother-in-law, for one of the Rebellion’s heroes, for the woman that had formed the Resistance, for the era that had perished alongside her.

 Kylo removed his hand from his mother’s face to cup your cheek instead. He hooked his fingers, dragging at your flesh repeatedly until you obliged the silent request, shuffled forward without standing. Your knees collided against his legs and that was where you stopped moving. His thumb traced down to your lips. Lower to your throat, down until he was able to place his palm over your heart. It pounded in your chest, increasing its rhythm as your eyes beheld his other hand encircling his mother’s wrist. There would be no pulse for him to feel. His eyes were wide, so wide, a question dancing in them. A question that you did not need the bond to know.

 Would I be a monster, am a monster, that I want to trade the living and the dead, to swap their places?

 It was unclear if the living being he would exchange for his mother was Chewbacca or you. There was a chance that it was your mother. If he could go back in time to sacrifice her, if that meant Leia would remain alive.

 “Kylo…” You swallowed thickly, tilted back your head, and let yourself sob. You choked out his chosen name again. “It didn’t matter how much time I spent with her, she never agreed… She never will.” There was no way to lessen his pain, to wipe it away. Nothing would steal away his dreams that would forevermore remain unanswered. That did not equate to you giving up in trying to provide something. “My mom, even if she is alive, she tolerates who I am.” You bit down on your bottom lip, closed your eyes, and sighed heavily as the leather glove cradled your cheek for a second time. “It’s like she wants me to succeed without winning. To succeed at existing as the idea she always saw for me.”

 “It hasn’t disappeared.” You shook your head, whispering that it never would. The idea that had been planted in his head, that had been hammered repeatedly, was so fully integrated with his being, and it would not change. He would be haunted by it, though this haunting was one that he could well survive. You reopened your eyes in unison with his hand dragged away. Kylo Ren lifted his mother up into his arms again long enough to transfer her onto the bed upon which he laid her out. He shifted her hands so that they were crossed one atop the other. He began to fix her hair. His eyes in constant motion, scanning every detail as he looked down at her.

 Chewbacca also rose to his feet and you did likewise within seconds of that. “Do you want me to speak to the others?” You did not want to leave him, not really. Kylo knew that, he had to, and so he nodded in understanding. Though subtle, you had felt the jump into hyperspace, which indicated to you that communications between the Order of Ren and Resistance had been completed. The ships would regroup, regather, and only then would true conversation take place. In the interim, all that knew of Leia Organa’s death would be demanding to see her. They would be outraged that Kylo was with her, nevermind that he was her son. Nevermind that a truce was taking place.

 Leaving meant that you were able to gather what other information had been learned including who else might have perished. You wanted to know the status of the Knights of Ren, and you desired knowledge of your mother’s whereabouts. You exited the room. Finn and Rose stood on the other side, the pair engaged in small conversation. Rose broke away from Finn, thrusting herself forward and embracing you. You weakly returned the hug. The warmth with which you were greeted did at long last manage to floor you.

 The pair of you were a laughing mess as you both collapsed together on the floor. You were in hysterics. Crying. Laughing. Sobbing. Shoulders shaking. Unable to breathe, a lump in your throat, the invisible hand of despair choking life from your spirit. Your own pain and Kylo’s, which hit you in waves as he let himself mourn his mother now that the only witness was Chewbacca, who had been there since before he had been born. Chewbacca, who was a kind of uncle to him. Chewbacca, who had shot him when he had killed his father, Han Solo.

 Rose placed her hands on your shoulders and began to knead the flesh as she spoke. The sound of her voice washed over you though her words did not. She, too, had lost everyone. Her parents then her sister. All of them were dead. You could feel that in her words, understood a kinship that existed between her and Kylo just as it existed between her and you. Life and Death, the Force, connected all living beings. Pursing your lips forward, you worked to regulate your breathing.

 Two hours passed, two hours that were nearly a blur of activity. Rey barely spoke; she, too, was processing the loss as the finality of acceptance regarding the truth of her family hit. The somber mood permeated throughout the ship. Known deaths were discussed. Your mother was not among that number, and she would be joining the Order of Ren and Resistance due to an encrypted message that had been sent to the last of the Resistance. You were growing too numb to feel relief, though the absence of another reason to ache was in some way more noticeable. The Order of Ren had sent a list of injured parties and deaths as well. Many were strangers to you, thus what this would mean in terms of the war you would not know until Kylo Ren was ready to share.

 You were seated beside Poe. Rey and Chewbacca were piloting the Falcon, and Dameron refused to leave you alone. He had listened to you describe Leia’s death in full detail, or as much as you could offer. You had then also narrated the remainder of the battle to help him understand how Not-Rey had died along with how you and Finn had prevented Rey from stopping or delaying it from occurring. Only after you were finished had Poe slipped the datapad that contained the list of Order of Ren casualties towards you. You had read through them then shifted to the injured. Cardo remained critical, his last update given directly after he had been taken onto the Night Buzzard. Trudgen was injured as well, albeit not gravely from what you could tell. Kuruk was not listed at all.

 Since Ap’lek had been absent from the battle, you did not search for his name. Ushar and Vicrul, on the other hand, you scanned the list for. The last reserves of strength were siphoned from your body as you read both of their names. Vicrul was injured yet, like Trudgen, did not cause you more than a moment of concern. It was Ushar, who was listed as critical, that had you collapsing against the back of your seat.

 Poe led you towards a different area of the ship so that you could rest. You slept for an indeterminable amount of time, awakening to discover that you were not alone in the room. Poe and Ap’lek were seated nearby, the two men across from one another. There was a warm ball of fur cuddled against your stomach. You stroked it, and Millicent released a light noise of acknowledgment. You searched your surroundings without raising yourself in order to learn your present location. You deduced that you had not been removed from the Falcon. Ap’lek and Poe communicated with one another with a multitude of pauses; they were not comfortable in each other’s company and wanted only to gain as much information as they could. It was a shaky, new alliance and thus you were not disheartened to notice these things.

 When it was apparent that you had awoken the two alternated speaking in order to bring you up to speed. The Millennium Falcon was in the docking bay of the Order of Ren’s flagship. Leia Organa’s body had been removed from the Falcon and taken elsewhere to prepare it for a funeral that both the Resistance and Order of Ren would attend. After its completion, a real discussion of what this alliance might mean would occur. Arrangements for the upcoming battle with Supreme Leader Hux would also be discussed; that was what they were referring to it as--it was not an end to the war, per se, simply another battle. When the Emperor had been defeated, the war had not ended until Jakku. Even then there had been more skirmishes, and the First Order had arisen. When Snoke had been killed, Kylo Ren had taken the mantle of Supreme Leader; likewise with the fall of Kylo and the rise of Armitage.

 When does war end? Maybe it never ends. Maybe that’s why I clung so tightly onto a singular goal. Kill Kylo. Kill Snoke. Kill Hux. Take it a step at a time, but when does the fighting stop for me?

 With a sigh, you scooped Millicent up into your arms and rose from the bed. Ap’lek stepped in front of Poe to prevent Dameron from following you. You appreciated this, as you did not want to be tailed. There was, in fact, only one person that you wanted to be with. Your familiarity with him led you. Millicent’s warmth assisted in grounding you. You stroked the top of her head, holding onto her so that she could not get away if she tried. She was not squirming. The small cat instead retreated into your embrace, tucking her head against your arm to hide from the Resistance and Order of Ren members you caught glimpses of as you kept walking without taking time to identify any beings.

 Kylo Ren stood close to the observation window through which he was able to watch Leia being prepared. She had already been changed into new clothing after being washed. Her hair was arranged in an Alderaanian fashion. Her dress was red with white designs. Her lips were painted to represent Naboo, to tie her in with her birth mother. Noticing that, you recognized the care with which she was being readied. Her biological and adoptive parents were all represented. Her wedding ring tied her to her husband. A mother’s ring to her son. You raised your stare to consider Kylo’s reflection. His eyes had not returned to their normal darkness, but they were less yellow than before.

 As he turned his head, Kylo rested his attention on the feline that you held. “You find something new in which to place hope.” He turned back to his mother. “Every time.”

 “I am a stubborn tooke,” you said softly, your eyes focused on his, which pinched in the corners though he did not smile.

 “Yes, you are.”

[kyberphilosopher]

Prologue: Adamus

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”         

Description: On a small, fiery planet, a Jedi named Adamus must watch his companion go down in flames. 

Prologue

        I put my weight back on my hands, bending my right leg in anticipation to kick. The first time, the glass fractures but doesn’t fully break. The second time, the whole floor to ceiling window cracks even further, letting me know I am one kick away from my goal. With a rather involuntary, hoarse grunt, I stretch my heel out again. The glass completely shatters. For a split second, I raise my arm to cover my head before scrambling out of the escape pod. My palms hit the hot black sand roughly, my knees scuffing against the stuff messily.

          I know I must look deranged. I certainly feel deranged, but all I can think to possibly do is crane my neck to look at the sky above. Sure enough, the Star Destroyer roars in the air above me. The nose is tipped straight down to the ground, all lights fully dark for a moment. The engines are completely silent. My chest heaves as I watch the scene, the great lava rivers and lakes to my left filling my ears.

          Then, a blue cage wraps around the ship. Millions of tiny branches- white, purple, blue, indigo, teal- all surrounding it like a hand. The engines rear to life with orange flame. The Star Destroyer starts forward, slowly due to it’s size. It’s going to hit straight into the ground, into the lava rivers and volcanic rock and deep, dark sands.

          There is nothing I can do to stop it. I cannot reach a hand out to slow or put the ship on pause, like she probably could. I cannot sprint forward, or leap into the air at the necessary height. I can only watch, defeated, as I imagine her there in the bridge.

          Right hand steering the ship to it’s doom, left hand calmly throwing and catching a lightsaber repeatedly. A mischievous, knowing smile dances upon her lips while one of her eyebrows is raised in a sort of pride I would never understand. Brown strands that frame the sides of her face loosely dance in the air. Cool and collected as ever, she stands in her black robes with power.

          It is extraordinarily painful to know that the last time she ever wore her playful smirk was seconds before her death.  

          Keres Vagor. Evasive, sarcastic, intelligent, brooding, nimble- she is power. I would have followed her to the end. I wanted to, but she got the best of me. I knew from the minute I locked eyes with her on Endor, that manipulative streak would get me somehow. It was my own fault, really. Letting her distract me so. She knew exactly how she was leaning in, the right way to softly bite her bottom lip before she brushed them against mine. I couldn’t stop myself. I thought that I was going to be the last one up there on that ship, not her. I should’ve been.

          After all those arguments we had, Keres ends up winning in the shittiest way possible. I would tell her that there is no such thing as a gray area. There is only light and dark, good and evil, Sith and Jedi. The line is clear and definitive. For the longest time, I felt that her alignment was as open as could be. She was clearly a Sith. Keres had a red lightsaber, she oozed an untrustworthy and angry energy, and she could make force lightning shoot out of her fingers like it was nothing. She was exceptionally powerful and sly. I thought I knew exactly who I was dealing with, no matter how unpredictable she was.

          But then she listened to me talk late at night. I would find myself wandering into a small medical room that she took as her own for a while, only to plop down in a chair or the slab she called her bed and begin to tell her things I thought I had pushed deep down. I told Keres about my master, who I missed and respected dearly. I told her about the youngling I killed in my frustration, and the clones that followed. I told her about how one of my good friends, a Clone by the name of Brag, shot at me several times with his blaster. I begged him to stop. When he only responded with a cold “Good soldiers follow orders,” I struck him down and kept my eyes shut tight.

          Keres would never have done that, by the way. She’s the type of person to always look someone in the eyes when she kills them.

          So, I started to think Keres was actually more of an opportunity, than anything. She was the only other alive force user I’d come across in Maker knows how long. At the very least, we could’ve bonded over our experiences. And we did. We bonded over our admiration for Aheka, the kind, Togruta medic Keres spent most of her time with. We bonded over battle strategy- though she was always better than me. Even mushy breakfast we both detested, we bonded over. And, last but certainly not least, we bonded over fruit. Keres had a special love for a fruit called Shuura, though she mostly just referred to it as ‘the thin orange slices’. She thought they tasted sweet with just a hint of sour. While Shuura were never quite up my alley, I enjoyed watching her eyes light up like a child at the sight of them.

          Keres didn’t believe in a definitive good and evil. She never said it, but the look on her face said it all. She thought she was somewhat more advanced than me for understanding it was all relative. She believed nothing could be labeled as good or bad so easily, and even then everything would depend on perspective. It was an infuriating argument that would leave me wanting to stomp out of the room and let off steam with my lightsaber, which I often did.           And now, Keres has won in the worst way possible. She’s sacrificing herself for something that gives people hope. She’s sacrificing herself to give people hope. She’s fulfilling the Rebellions mission. She’s taking out the mothership. She’s being a good person.

          Shoulders hunched in defeat, I watch as the Star Destroyer crashes against a point in the distance. Orange lava springs into the air like an explosion, flecked with grains of black sand. The lightning surrounding the ship flickers slightly, than promptly disappears. This is the moment that Keres Vagor died.

          As a Jedi, we are taught to not mourn death, but to celebrate life. We are taught to rejoice, for death makes a new journey for us all. But as I kneel on the burning coals like sand, powerless as my tearstained cheeks sting against the dry air, I do not feel any need or want to celebrate. I feel nothing but the weight of loss in my stomach, settling in like emptiness. I can only imagine Keres’s form, burning and melting and slumped over in death. An image comes to mind, quick as a flash but clear enough to haunt me.

          The ships final lurch throws Keres forward. Hitting her head on a panel, she trips out of the broken window and lands on a stray rod attached to the ship. Then she dangles above the lava that begins to swallow the ship, dead or dying. Her hazel eyes are wide. Blood drips from the edge of her lips and out from some injury on her head. Her leather bound lightsaber rolls out of the bridge and before it hits the fires below, the image is gone.

          I have to keep her alive somehow. The idea of doing what she would do pops into my brain, no matter how difficult it was to read her at times. Keres would make a plan, I think. A plan of ‘where to now?’.

          Step One: I need to find a ship and return to my crew. I have a Rebellion to lead.