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blackers-donuts · 7 years

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Plaits of love

When Froghorn comes in with two small plaits prodding beneath his head with those funky plaits that come down from the top. Hitch had vaguely heard about them, he lived with a teenage girl after all and whilst they could both admit Ruby isn’t the most fashion forward girl, Sabrina sure is.

“Maybe if you take a picture Agent Hitch, it’ll last longer,” he snaps looking up from his papers, “if you are about to make fun at my pigtails I’m fairly certain I could get you fired.” “I am not, it is pretty, they suit you,” Hitch says, he can feel his body turn bright red and looking briefly away blushing completely to his ears.

Froghorn matches Hitch’s colour before motioning through the door, “Miss Redfort is through there with Blacker.” “Froghorn, you maybe want to go out sometime,” says Hitch, trust the field agent to be the brash one and offer a date to the normally quiet Froghorn. “Cha’yeah,” says Froghorn, “and call me Miles please.” “I could call you anything you want me to,” flirts Hitch letting his field training get the better of him.

“Miles I am just a Miles, are you just a Hitch or,” replies Miles. “Art, sometimes,” says Hitch feeling his blush increase at his admitting his stupid first name. Why do parents name children after something they found beautiful, Art. “Okay Art, I’ll see you around seven,” says Miles taking control of the flirting, “maybe I will take you to a nice restaurant or something.” “I asked you out,” replies Hitch, “thank you though.” “Yep, pick me up from my home, you know where that is?” “No,” answers Hitch truthfully. “Ruby knows, ask her I am sure she has it all written down in those notebooks of hers,” Froghorn answers, “you really should do your job and pick her up.” “Seven?”double checks Hitch, “seven at your place.” “Yep don’t dress up fancy and yes a suit is fancy, I don’t care if you always wear suits,” says Miles, “ just put on a t shirt or something.”

Hitch nods though he is panicking about the lack of t shirts in his wardrobe. He has jeans, but he wears jeans with shirts not t shirts. He needed to go shopping or at least find someone to lend him something. “See you Art,” says Froghorn, “Redfort, your lift is here.” Ruby leaves and high fives Froghorn before fist bumping Hitch and leaving to wait in the car downstairs. “Listen I have the perfect place but it is not a suit place t shirts,” says Froghorn. Hitch nods before waving goodbye to Froghorn and following Ruby who is grinning from shotgun as Hitch slides in.

“I heard you need t shirts,” says Ruby. “No offence Ruby, I would much rather get fashion advice from Clancy then you and he wore heart shaped glasses for a month,” says Hitch, “I’ll drop you off at home and then I will try to find something. Do you know where Froghorn lives?” “With Blacker,” says the cryptic Ruby. “Where is that?” asks Hitch so close to just kicking Ruby out of the car. Ruby rattles off the address and Hitch smiles before passing her the donuts that he bought for her and tapping on the steering wheel till he reaches the house.

“That’s cute,” says Ruby watching the house keeper pull t shirts messily from the back of his wardrobe. “Too informal,” counters Hitch looking at the Nasa logo on the front, it came from the woman’s section so it was covered in glitter and silver, too be honest this was probably going to be the one t shirt that wasn’t covered in paint. He pulled it on and pulled a Star Wars hoodie over it. Hitch looks down, “too nerdy?” “Hell nah, he loves Nerdy stuff,” says Ruby.

Hitch nods and pulls on sharpied jeans, nothing wrong with a bit personalisation Ruby smiles and writes something around his ankle and he leans down to read it but she seems to have written it in Morse or something. “You are going to be late,” says Ruby. Hitch swears before sprinting to his car and driving, possibly at an illegal speed before parking the wrong end of the street and sprinting down.

“Shit, Miles I am sorry,” says Hitch as Froghorn opens the door, “I had a panic over an outfit.” “Oh did you,” says Miles embracing him in a hug, “seems a bit too nerdy for a field agent.” “I like space,” answers Hitch and he can feel his blush returning, now he will need to organise his outfits around when his face turns red. Miles separates and looks at his top, “my sister has that top.” “Well, I am not changing,” says Hitch. “I like it,” answers Froghorn, “I like your whole outfit honestly.”

Blacker comes up behind Miles, “are you two going out or standing in the doorframe letting snow in.” “Shut up Ethan,” says Mile before checking his reflection in his phone and brushing through his hair with his fingers before plaiting it with like three interlocking strands and pulling a giant red scrunchie around it.

“Hitch has got me for tonight, I’ll be back by shall we say eleven,” says Froghorn looking between his housemate and Hitch. Hitch looks up from his feet where he was standing awkwardly, “I am not going to kidnap you Miles.” “Just in case,” answers Miles, “I trust you.” “One date went wrong,” inputs Blacker before patting Hitch’s back, “have Miles back by eleven or I’ll get Sam out.” “Yeah yeah I will have him back Mr Blacker,” says Hitch, “ready to go.”

Miles looks up at Hitch, they happily swing their hands together before Miles drags him into one of those fancy bars that also offer food. Exciting food, actual good food that wasn’t microwaved fish and chips or a greasy pie. This is nice. “Hitch,” calls Sabrina from a table where she is sat over with a friend. “Miss Redfort,” replies Hitch. Miles grins a little, before tugging his date to another section of the restaurant and sitting down.

Hitch smiles a little, pulling at the hem of his t shirt. “Nasa eh,” asks Froghorn, linking their ankles under the table. “It is cool, I don’t fully understand the science. Probably not like you,” answers Hitch, “you could probably make a machine that could reach the constellations.” “Freckles,” mutters Miles, “don‘t pay attention to them.”

“They are adorable,” answers Hitch, he can see the decoder reach over into his hand and trace Orion on his palm almost self-consciously.

“Adorable eh? I think you liking NASA is adorable,” answer Miles smartly, “you know nothing about it and you are still fascinated by it.” “Aliens.” “Aliens,” comes the repeat. “It is a possibility,” answers the field agent, “don't make fun of me.” “Imagine Ruby knowing you believe in aliens,” giggles Miles.

The meal is good and both men spend the night blushing, flirting (badly) and talking (easily) and at about nine pm Miles pays and Hitch starts to walk Miles home, leading him around some teenagers drunken by either liquor or the night. Miles tucks himself neatly into Hitch’s arm before unlocking the door. “Do you want to stay tonight?” Miles asks, “Blacker makes mean pancakes every Saturday.” “I don’t want to overstay my welcome, ”answers Hitch. Miles look softly at him, cupping his chin slightly “Art.”

Hitch can feel himself blushing, colour spreading from Miles’s hand over his face, Miles leans down slightly and catches his lips slightly, “stay on the sofa or something. I will stay on the sofa.” “I will stay on the sofa,” answers Hitch leaning up a little, “if you go on another date with me.” “Yeah,” whispers Miles, leaning back down to kiss him slightly more stronger now, more confident.

“You came home early,” says Blacker dropping his keys by the front door and hanging his coat up, “I didn’t expect you.” “I came home like half an hour after I left three weeks ago,” answers Froghorn. Blacker rolls his eyes, “yeah, because he was evil.” “He was evil,” Miles tells Hitch, “you are a gentleman.” “Gentleman? Tell that to Ruby,” laughs Hitch, “I am hardly a gentleman.” “Compared to the last person he went on a date with,” counters Blacker. “Don’t talk about my last dates with that person, he was still better then Kevin,” answers Miles embarrassed, “especially in front of Hitch.” “Miles, no offence. Anyone is better Kevin,” says Blacker. “Go away Ethan, I was happily kissing Art before you rolled up.” “Get a room,” answers Blacker, as Hitch leans up to kiss Miles gently holding his shoulder.

Miles leads Hitch up to his bedroom, the opposite of his office which is pristine because this room is awfully messy with books (a mixture of sc-fi and fantasy) and notebooks (awfully similar to Ruby’s) are stacked and scattered across the room everywhere except the bed which has a small homemade quilt over the top and Miles sits down on it. “Don’t ask about my lovelife,” he warns, “I will tell you when I want to.” “So long as I get you now,” says Hitch, “don’t care about your past, I can care about your future if you want.” Miles shrugs a bit watching Hitch move around the room picking up cracked spines and funny named authors, carefully ignoring the notebooks- some of them may be too private to share right now or ever he did not want to flick through someone’s dairy after their first date.

“You should read that one,” points Froghorn, “it is very good.” Hitch picks it up and reads the blurb- flicks through the pages and notice the small print of the agent as he has written his own annotations. Places it next to where he sits as he moves to be in a closer space to Miles who is fiddling with his hair. Hitch opens the book and leans against Miles before reading quietly whispering words, under his breath as he reads.

“Art,” he asks, causing the agent to look up sharply from his book, “can we do this again sometimes?” “Yeah,” says Hitch, “do you want me to go?” “No no continue reading please,” comes the quick reply as Froghorn pulls a notebook out and starts to scribble as Hitch goes back to whispering words about mystical lands, letting occasional distractions from Miles pull him away.

#ruby redfort #froghorn/hitch #ruby redfort fanfic #this is based off #trashy pretzels fanart #I love this #also it took way too long #to edit

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rubyredfortncarnivorousplants · 3 years

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You know what I want??

I want backstories on all the referenced adult Spectrum agents. I wanna know how they were recruited, why they were recruited, who recruited them, how they did on *the test,* I wanna know everything.

like, who recruited Harper?

how did Blacker find his way to L.B when he was first recruited?

what was Froghorn’s first day like?

why was hitch recruited?

I need answers pls someone write a fic ab this 😭

#oh the plights of a small fandom #rr #ruby redfort #spectrum #spectrum 8 #spectrum agents #miles froghorn #blacker ruby redfort #hitch ruby redfort #art hitchen zachary #idk if the mention this somewhere i can't remember #*they #i need to reread

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unpredictably-ghostly · 3 years

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Ruby Redfort characters as ridiculous spy-themed stock images: the series!

(references below the cut)

#haunted art #ruby redfort #hitch #blacker #froghorn #lb #tw gun #tw guns

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loveday55 · 4 years

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Froghorn, confused: So, how many kids do you have??

Hitch: do you mean biologically, legally or emotionally.

#ruby redfort #incorrect quotes #wierd spy family #hitch #art hitchen zachary #miles froghorn #froghorn

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ollierachnid · 4 years

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i had to redraw some of my old art , ive redesigned frog somewhat

#ruby redfort #rr #miles froghorn #hitch #pretzel's art #please look at themmm #art hitchen zachary

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nonbinaryfroghorn · 4 years

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audio recording by miles froghorn, head archivist of the morgan institute, london

ok, i can't really take credit for this au. @agentredfort originally came up with with a tma au where ruby was the archivist, and then someone sent an ask suggesting blacker as martin which prompted her to suggest archivist!froghorn and now i can't stop thinking about it. also i started this post like 2 months ago and then forgot about it rip.

warning: this contains spoilers for seasons 1-4 of the magnus archives, and probably won’t make any sense if you haven’t listened to seasons 1-4 of the magnus archives.

so. the magnus morgan institute was founded in the 1800s by one casey morgan. it is also still in london bc america is just Too Big, i’m sorry.

in 2016, miles froghorn, previously a research worker at the institute, gets hired as the new head archivist after the former archivist bradley baker died in the line of action passesd away

is he qualified for this job? not really! the promotion almost certainly should have gone to his colleague art, also known as hitch, but because hitch would have seen through the bullshit almost immediately for reasons unknown, it goes to miles instead

yes, this puts hitch in sasha's role. i love pain and torture :)

speaking of roles, the other assistants hired to work in the archives!

ruby redfort worked in research with miles and they don't get on or like each other but also they do. no one understands it (tim)

art "hitch" hitchen zachary worked in artifact storage before transferring to research, and came to the archives at miles' request. this stings a little bit because everyone, miles included, knows that hitch probably should have the job, but he won't kick up a fuss. the archives pay slightly better than research and he likes his colleagues well enough. maybe he'll just quit, get a new job altogether. (sasha)

james blacker knows exactly what he’s doing and has all the relevant qualifications for this job, just please don’t look too closely at his resume. (martin)

ruby works at the institute because what genius 20-something wouldn’t want to spend their days investigating ghost stories?? ok, yeah, most of them are 100% bullshit, but occasionally you get something genuinely fascinating because, no matter what excuses froghorn pulls out of his ass, most books don’t light themselves on fire, boss, are you seeing this?? it’s literally on fire, and my hand isn’t getting burned. that’s wierd.

(hitch is the only one who knows about the disappearance of her best friend clancy, and her determination to find out what happened to him.)

we know nothing about blacker’s backstory in canon, so it’s free real estate! and yeah, he might have zero relevant qualifications, but he’s kind of a genius, so no one has called him out yet. and he only lied on his resume because he was about to be kicked out of his apartment, and something has to pay the bills.

plus, he’s just so nice?? hitch and ruby are pretty sure he has no idea what he’s doing, but he’s clearly really smart and no one wants to snitch on the guy who brings in donuts every friday.

ok listen, i’m not particularly original so this would follow the plot of tma almost to a t. i cant think of a rr antagonist who particularly fits the hive off the top of my head, so the archives get attacked by jane prentiss. miles is forced to admit that yes, all the tape statements are creepy as hell, obviously this stuff is real ruby stop looking so smug about it we’re being attacked by a woman made of worms.

as much as i love the jonmartin bonding during the prentiss attack, and this au would feature miles/blacker eventually, it’s actually blacker who dashes off to warn hitch because he just reacts faster than ruby, and miles has just had a corkscrew dug into his leg to dig out a worm. ruby and froghorn manage to find the secret tunnels that are apparently under the institute, but whilst down there they get separated for a while and eventually ruby comes back shrieking about bradley baker’s body being down here??? what the fuck????? and then the two of them manage to make it out of the tunnels, already traumatised, only to be immediately attacked by worms. they’re really not having a good day. and thus, the archivist gets his first mark.

meanwhile, hitch and blacker have barricaded themselves in the breakroom. they make a plan: hitch will try and find victor von leyden, head of the morgan institute, and james will try and find ruby and miles again. they have varying degrees of success. hitch manages to find victor, who is normally pretty ominous and generally unhelpful, but at least he sets off the alarm to evacuate the building. unfortunately there are worms fucking everywhere, and hitch also gets separated from victor near artifact storage. he hates this place, but dashes in anyway in the hopes that it will be worm free. and it is. no worms in sight. there is, however, a table with a wierd spiral pattern on top. and - is something moving inside the table??

“hey, froghorn,” he hisses into the tape recorder that he somehow didn’t lose. “figured you’d want a recording of this. remember that table that was delivered a few weeks ago? i’m stuck in artifact storage, worst luck, and it looks like there’s something moving inside it.” his calm tone quickly descends into genuine fear, which is rare to hear from cool, collected hitch, as he realises that something is climbing out of the table and coming towards him, and - when he walks out of the institute building when the attack is over, he asks people to call him art, instead.

if you know nothing about the magnus archives, i’m so sorry. this post is all over the place and only makes sense if you know the plot of the original podcast. i might try and make a more coherent post about it at some point, because this concept lives in my mind rent-free. also, this only covers season 1, so i might make equally-nonsensical posts about the later seasons too.

#good god this is such a mess #im incapable of talking about tma in a way that makes sense to anyone other than tma fans #i have ideas for how some antagonists would fit in that i'll talk about at some point #but i have no idea who georgie melanie basira and daisy would be????#ok how do i tag this #my post #aus #archivist!miles au #miles froghorn #frogman #ruby #hitch #blacker #the count

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laniidae-passerine · 5 years

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See, the big problem with Hitch is that he talks a lot about himself, but it’s near impossible to tell if he’s lying or not.

So, I’m going to collect information about him from the books that I think is either most definitely true or could possibly be true. Any other information I’ll discount as a lie or impossible to tell if it’s true, and I won’t write it down. Reminder that I don’t own books 2 or 3 and there are spoilers! below. Let’s begin!

Look Into My Eyes

He’s first described as basically a knockout stunner who walked out of almost everyone’s dreams. And so was I just not supposed to love him? Unrealistic.

“But when Ruby answered the door she was surprised to see a remarkably handsome, rather tall, formally dressed man. He was neither particularly young nor would he ever be considered in any way old - in fact it was impossible to really put any accurate age on him.” [page 46]

He’s apparently a man of culture, because he instantly knows what designer Sabina is talking about in regards to her jacket.

“‘Well it is an Oscar Birdet, maybe they felt a little out their depth?’” [page 51]

While he’s obviously very good at his job, he’s not so humble as to not be pleased with himself. He knows he’s good at what he does.

“Ruby looked up to see the amused face of Hitch. He looked kind of pleased with himself, which irritated her.” [page 55]

He’s surprised by just how observant Ruby is, clearly underestimating her right out of the gate.

“‘I’m surprised you noticed (my arm injury).’ And he was surprised too; he thought he had concealed his arm injury well.” [page 56]

Even a man of taste can’t help showing off, and it seems like every guy with enough money lining his pockets likes a nice car, as indicated by his colour choice in convertible.

“‘Well that might explain the flashy car - he’s got this silver convertible.’” [page 62]

He knows a stylist?

“Hope you approve. Had my stylist friend Billie pick these things out for you - she’s good at that kind of thing. Hitch.” [page 81]

He doesn’t have a peanut allergy, lucky him.

“He looked up, startled, and immediately began to spread it with peanut butter. ‘Toast?’ he said.” [page 81]

I am physically aching with how much Lauren Child loves to remind us how hot Hitch is - give us a break, or else I might cry with how good looking he is. But just in case you forgot, let’s remind ourselves about how Hitch is the most attractive man alive! Also, he’s got brown or hazel eyes, Mrs Bexenheath hasn’t decided yet.

“Mrs Bexenheath, the school secretary, looked up to see at what first glance she imagined to be some Hollywood film star. It was as if he had accidentally strayed off the ‘walk of fame’ and wandered unwittingly into the shabby halls of Twinford Junior High - so entirely out of place was he. However, this handsome man struck up and easy conversation with her and before a minute had passed Mrs Bexenheath had found herself agreeing to excuse Ruby Redfort from all lessons for the foreseeable future. She had concentrated carefully, all the while staring into his Hollywood eyes, wondering if they were brown or were they hazel.” [pages 105 and 106]

He knows he’s so attractive that he can just make stuff up and like Ruby, he’s one hell of a liar.

“‘Well, it seems that your grandmother had contracted a rare but not infectious virus while bird watching in the Australian Alps - condition, serious,’ Hitch said, turning the key in the ignition. ‘There are no Australian Alps,’ said Ruby. ‘Well someone should have told your grandmother that because now look at her.’” [page 106]

Hitch doesn’t know shit about children or teenagers until he meets Ruby, and that’s a goddamn fact.

“‘Buzz, give the kid a little tour of the gadget room,’ said Hitch. ‘That’ll keep her out of trouble.’ He was wrong about that.” [page 110]

Now for the moment that made me think he was cute when I reread the books as a teen - he’s not above messing with people and enjoys a good joke now and then.

“‘OK,’ said Hitch, holding his finger to his temple as if he was channelling the information. ‘I’m guessing... chocolate raspberry, strawberry frosting, rainbow sprinkles - am I right?’ Elliot, speechless, handed over the donut.” [page 148 and 149]

And the moment that made me realise I adored him. God yes he’s very handsome and yes he’s got money and yes he’s a secret agent but I’d trade all of that, just for a guy who admits when he’s been stupid. And somehow he can do that while also having and being all of the above.

“When he (Hitch) came in he said, ‘Look kid, maybe part of this is my fault, I accept that, I’ve been kinda ribbing you and talking down to you - so maybe you and I need to start over?’” [page 171]

He likes some of the finer things in life.

“Back at Cedarwood Drive, Ruby went downstairs to find Hitch, who was sitting in his small but comfortable apartment, listening to music and reading some papers.” [page 178]

He’s a charmer, obviously.

“It occurred to Ruby that Consuela was rather over dressed for this task, the stiletto heels and painted fingernails seeming to be more of a hindrance than a help. She was also laughing rather too much [at Hitch’s jokes], that sort of random giggling that certain girls at Ruby’s school broke into whenever Richie Dare walked past.” [page 181]

I don’t actually think he’s assigned to Spectrum 8 - he’s apparently not a Twinfordite or based in California as he implies when he’s about to leave the Redfort house,

“‘What is it? I got a plane to catch in less than,” Hitch looked at his watch, ‘seventeen minutes.’” [page 294]

He’s got a temper on him, and can get angry rather quickly if someone’s done something stupid.

“As he drove, Hitch thought about Ruby. He was about as angry as he had ever been. What on earth had gotten into the kid?” [page 297]

He doesn’t like Froghorn a the beginning of the books and also he’s the sick in the stomach guilt kinda guy.

“Hitch was feeling horrible - the kind of guilt that causes nausea. Why hadn’t he listened, he never should have let LB assign that numbskull.” [page 328]

He owns a gun and I’d assume it’s Spectrum issued.

“You tell him kid, hissed Hitch, his hand reaching for his revolver.” [page 378]

I can’t say for sure, but I have this feeling that he and Nine Lives were kinda close in the way that you must be if you’re continually trying to kill one another. (I’ve always thought of her as being smart enough to be a Spectrum agent but always refusing Hitch’s offers to join when they were younger, and he finally gave up when she started recreationally killing but that’s just my personal head-canon!) Anyway, her death has him feeling some kinda way.

“(Valerie) looked up at Hitch. ‘You killed me?’ she said as she slid to the floor. In her left hand the diamond revolver glittered, a pool of crimson forming where she lay. For just a second the three figures were frozen. Hitch had so many times fought Nine Lives only to watch her somehow leap to her escape - wounded but always alive. Could it really be over?” [page 381]

Feel the Fear

What does Hitch fear? LB? Death? Bears? No. He fears the most dangerous thing of all - meter-maids.

“Ruby looked up to see a tall, well-groomed man in a well-cut suit standing in the room. He appeared moderately anxious. ‘Am I making you nervous?’ asked Ruby. ‘The only person making me nervous is the meter maid on 3rd Avenue where I’m double-parked.’” [page 26]

He’s a trustworthy guy, so not just all stunningly good looks then.

“That was the thing about Hitch: he kept his mouth shut. He had to: 𝘚𝘗𝘌𝘊𝘛𝘙𝘜𝘔 𝘙𝘜𝘓𝘌 1: 𝘒𝘌𝘌𝘗 𝘐𝘛 𝘡𝘐𝘗𝘗𝘌𝘋. as one of the highest-ranking agents at Spectrum 8, he was trusted with heavily classified information. He didn’t squeal for anything or anybody.” [pages 28 and 29]

He loves Ruby, most definitely, like some kinda surrogate agent dad but by god how did he end up here?

“So how had a top-notch spy wound up working undercover as a bodyguard to a thirteen year old kid? Hitch, for one, asked himself this question practically every day.” [page 29]

It’s implied he’s never worked an actual real job in his life - obviously or else he’d have the worn down look of everyone who’s ever had to take a job in retail.

“‘No Redfort, not really, at least I doubt it, but they might fire me.’ ‘That would suck,’ she said. Hitch nodded. ‘Yes it would. I’d have to go and get a real job.’ He shuddered. ‘I’m sure my parents would keep you on.’ ‘Yes,’ said Hitch. ‘That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.’” [page 50]

He never sleeps. He never looks sleepy. All a man born in 1930 knows is coffee, play his clarinet, not sleep, be bisexual, work as an agent and lie.

“Didn’t matter what time of day or night, Ruby had never caught Hitch unprepared, asleep or even on the brink of dozing off.” [page 131]

He has the dad act down to the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” voice.

“At that exact moment Hitch’s voice was the best sound Ruby had ever heard, even though it in fact sounded sort of furious. He wasn’t shouting, which made it worse, his voice heavy with disappointment, his expression telling her that at that very moment he wasn’t exactly pleased to see her breathing but was relieved that he hadn’t had to pick up the Ruby-shaped pieces.” [page 176]

He is apparently knowledgeable about French Antique furniture, specifically that of the 1700’s.

“Clancy led Hitch to his mother’s dressing room and Hitch surveyed the damage. He winced, ran his fingers over the wood. ‘Pear and walnut, made in the French provinces.’ He opened the drawers and examined their construction. ‘Circa 1727, very typical.’ He looked underneath the table top; found what he was looking for. ‘Surprising.’ Then he took a magnifier from his bag, held it over the damaged wood of the table. ‘A quality piece.’” [pages 210 and 211]

Listen, when I said he had money, I wasn’t joking. To misquote somebody, I don’t love him cause he’s rich, but it sure doesn’t hurt.

“Hitch took a fat wodge of twenty dollar bills from his wallet, peeled off a large number and handed them to the guy in charge, shook them all by the hand and watched them leave.” [page 211]

Hitch implies he’s attracted to women, but that’s not news to us because he’s obviously bi, duh.

“‘I think someone just tried to kill me.’ ‘You’re looking at the next guy in line - I just happened to be having dinner two blocks away with a very charming meter maid.’” [page 322]

He’s got a vaguely recognisable aesthetic.

“Ruby knew the Charles Burger, and upmarket burger grill place, with green leather banquette seating and polished wood tables. It was very Hitch somehow.” [page 366]

He can do parkour. It’s amazing.

“‘Let me explain.’ Without warning, Hitch ran. He was across the parking lot in the blink of any eye and headed straight towards a high brick wall - but he didn’t stop, he didn’t slow his pace, he ran at the wall and then up the wall, and when he got to the top... (insert long description of very cool parkour antics)” [page 372]

I literally do not understand how this handsome superman type of guy is single. How?! HE CAN JUMP BETWEEN WHOLE BUILDINGS!

“The crowd gasped as the woman flailed in the sky, and then they gasped again to see a figure in all black fly across the spotlight’s beam to snatch her from the dark.” [pages 478 and 479]

Pick Your Poison

Nobody knows an actual fact about Hitch and it’s very painful.

“‘When it comes to Hitch, I think it’s hard to know what’s true. You think you know him but, look at it this way, what do I really have as hard evidence? Do I know anything?’ ‘You know he likes coffee,’ suggested Clancy. ‘What I know Clance,’ corrected Ruby, ‘is that Hitch drinks coffee and a lot of it, but does he drink it because he likes the taste of it or because she need to keep from falling asleep? Well, it’s anybody’s guess.’” [page 31]

In case you forgot, because it really doesn’t get said often, Hitch is very attractive.

“She didn’t immediately spot Hitch. He was browsing chickpeas: a tall, good-looking man, wearing an elegant raincoat over a dark suit.” [page 60]

Dad jokes!

“‘Isn’t this a bit inconvenient?’ said Ruby. ‘I mean, having to walk through a store every time you want to reach Spectrum?’ ‘On the contrary,’ he said. ‘It’s a convenience store.’” [page 60]

This isn’t really a fact about him, but this part always makes me laugh so here we go.

“Hitch, who was standing behind Ruby, was trying silently mouth something to SJ and making a sort of cutting motion with his hand as if to say ‘stop talking’, but SJ wasn’t reading this and instead was making it abundantly clear that she was marking this incident up as attempted murder.” [page 228]

The amount of sass contained within one man... legendary.

“‘Kid, don’t you worry about your mother, I got that covered. I have someone watching her, just a precaution.’ ‘I hadn’t noticed,’ said Ruby. Hitch looked heavenwards. ‘He’s a professional, you’re not meant to notice.’” [page 228]

This quote is pretty self explanatory.

“‘So who’s the Aikido master?’ ‘That would be me,’ said Hitch.” [page 250]

He does in fact like coffee!

“‘Same place,’ said Hitch. ‘I only told you Lucello’s because the coffee’s good.’” [page 348]

We get a rare moment of Hitch actually chilling out and eating food!

“Hitch was there, eating a Digby club sandwich (a Mrs Digby special) and he raised a hand in greeting when she walked in.” [page 393]

Even secret agents want their downtime, and are prone to laziness.

“‘You couldn’t fix it yourself?’ ‘Sure I could,’ said Hitch. ‘It’s a simple case of replacing the valve, which if I’m looking at it correctly is a 3/4 inch ceramic. But I’ve got bigger fish to fry.’ [page 394]

He’s capable of getting shouty when he’s being told he can’t do his job properly.

“‘You didn’t have any traffic,’ said Ruby, angrily, ‘you came by helicopter, and by the way I radioed for assistance more than forty minutes back.’ ‘Well, that seems unlikely since we got no call.’ They were almost shouting at each other now.” [page 476]

Just like I mentioned with Blacker, it seems Hitch contributes to some of the dark humour at Spectrum 8.

“Hitch: ‘You don’t have to convince me, you should see the state she left Baby Face in - or rather I should say, states.’ Delaware: ‘How do you mean? Where is he now?’ Hitch: ‘Well, he left his heart in San Francisco.’ Blacker: “His head was found in Monterrey.’ Hitch: ‘And his legs have yet to show.’ LB: ‘Excuse me?’ Blacker: ‘He’s a goner.” [page 503]

Blink and You Die

Both Clancy and Ruby trust their agent dad.Also, I feel like Hitch is actually the closest thing to a dad that Clancy has, because his actual dad sucks, and that just gets me.

“‘So you’re going to have to talk to Hitch. You trust him, don’t you?’ ‘A hundred per cent,’ said Ruby.” [page 96]

He’s notable for his on-time nature.

“She sat down. All the seats around her were unoccupied and there was no sign of Hitch. Mr Punctuality appeared to be late.” [page 103]

Although I think he might be lying, it seems like Hitch enjoys stargazing.

“‘I like that place,’ said Hitch. ‘The planetarium?’ ‘Yeah, like I said, I find it soothing.’” [page 108]

He’s sincere enough to convince LB to do things she doesn’t really want to and he’s got Ruby’s back to the end.

“‘Hitch has persuaded HQ that it would wise to keep up the survival skills. He seems to think you need all the protection you can get, and though you are no longer a functioning field agent or coding agent, after much consideration, I am persuaded he is right.’” [page 113]

He’s got non-verbal cues that indicate when he’s pissed off - they’re minor but they’re there.

“They talked together got a few minutes, all perfectly fine until Hitch appeared to notice something - perhaps it was to do with Froghorn’s attire, it was hard to say from this distance but Ruby recognised the subtle change in body language and knew that he was not happy, not happy at all.” [page 180]

He’s been seriously injured before in his life, and why was nobody paying attention to these goddamn children, holy hell Spectrum dropped the ball on this one.

“While this drama was unfolding, so another was taking place - the screams of a boy who had apparently fallen into the shallows, but managed somehow to scrabble onto one of the rafts. He had incurred a life-threatening from a fifteen-foot crocodile, but he was lucky - his cries had alerted rescue and he was dragged from the river before he could be taken by the reptile. The boy suffered severe shock and could not be questioned about the incident.” [page 235]

I think that his name suits him well, but jeez, imagine looking at your baby and giving him this name.

“The second, the boy who was almost swallowed by the crocodile, was named as Art Hitchen Zachery.” [page 236]

He is not immune to the upset looks of Sabina Redfort.

“‘I’m afraid I’m expected elsewhere,’ said Hitch, glancing anxiously at his watch. ‘Oh no, really?’ exclaimed ‘Sabina. She looked so forlorn that Hitch found himself saying, ‘You know what, how about I stay for the starter - it really looks too good to miss.’” [page 260]

His birthdate was 1930!

“‘Just how old do you think I am?’ ‘I don’t know,’ said Ruby, ‘fifty-five... fifty-seven.’ ‘Kid, I’m forty-two.’ He shook his head. ‘Boy, never ask a kid to guess your age; they’ll always have you pegged at just shy of decrepit.’” [page 290]

I don’t even know what to caption this, except that he’s able to burst into hysterics. Also, he went with other Spectrum agents to Disneyland, which is adorable.

“‘Are you kidding?’ He began to laugh, really laugh. In fact, he laughed so hard that he didn’t look like he was ever going to stop. ‘What?’ she asked, annoyed that she wasn’t in on the joke. ‘That picture was taken at Disneyland,’ he wheezed. ‘He was made of rubber. Kid, you might to get a new pair of spectacles.’” [page 291]

More dad jokes!

“‘I’d love to, kid, but I’ve got places to be.’ As the doors closed shut, he called, ‘See you later alligator!’ ‘Funny,’ muttered Ruby, ‘real funny.’” [page 291]

While the revelation of Bradley being alive is a huge thing, Hitch still has time for sass.

“Ruby: ‘I’ve only seen two picture of Baker and in neither one did he have this whole wild man of the woods deal going on.’ Hitch: ‘You mean the facial hair?’ Baker: ‘It’s just a beard for crying out loud.’ [page 336]

He can play poker!

“By the time Ruby decided to turn in for bed, Sabina, Hitch, Bradley, Brant and Mrs Digby were settled in for a long night of poker.” [page 348]

The title of butler doesn’t sit great with him.

“‘He’s some butler,’ remarked Brant. ‘Honey, Hitch is a house manager,’ corrected Sabina. ‘He doesn’t like to be called butler, he’s very particular about that.’” [page 350]

He’s this close to dying and he’s still throwing out the snappy comebacks, what a guy.

“The Australian: ‘Of course. But try to refrain from doing anything stupid.’ Hitch: ‘What would add up to stupid?’ The Australian: ‘Any sudden movements; that wouldn’t be smart sweetie.’ Hitch: ‘I’ll try keep my nervous twitch under control.’ The Australian: ‘I’m impressed by your common sense.’ Hitch: ‘I’m impressed by your gun.'” [page 388]

He’s a real personality - the kind you miss badly when he’s not around.

“Thing moved like clockwork in the Redfort home, every household issue was attended to, and though no one was aware of it, their security was monitored and every safety procedure followed. But life seemed dull without Hitch.” [page 429]

He has a permanent scar from the crocodile incident.

“‘Wanna see the bite? It’s ugly, took an awful lot of stitches to put me back together.’” [page 509]

And those are all the facts I’ve found that we didn’t already know/ are relevant about one Art Hitchen Zachary! I omitted the other 700 paragraphs where we get reminded yet again that he’s very handsome, and still he is the most amazing man!

#rr #ruby redfort #art hitchen zachary #hitch #me reading all of this is just *heart eyes*#im loveeee #if ya man isn't like this do you even want a man at all?#anyway #agent blacker #lb #bradley baker #byd spoilers #blink and you die spoilers #blacker #miles froghorn #clancy crew

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