#frodo has autism because i said so

[lacunases]

lord of the rings but frodo carries the one ring like this

[trahald-the-burrower]

do you have any hcs for sméagol/gollum? They can be random, I just feel like you’re one of the few people I’ve come across that truly understands the character and sees him as more than what most of the fandom perceives him as, so I’d love to see what you’ve come up with over the years!

* Young Sméagol was near sighted. I like to imagine it this way, based on what Tolkien wrote. 1, he said Déagol was sharper eyed. 2, he said Sméagol spent a lot of time looking at and exploring the things he could reach. I imagine this would make it so his eyes were more adapted to seeing close up things.

* Young Sméagol was allergic to certain flowers/plants. I imagine this is another reason why he didn't care to watch them opening up on the trees. 1, because they were difficult for him to see, what with his near-sightedness, and 2, because he's allergic to them and so doesn't like them anyway.

* Sméagol is attracted to other males. He and Déagol were romantically involved, and it's why he refers to him as "my love". Tolkien also referred to Frodo as Sméagol's "new love". His love for Frodo had him arguing with Gollum over whether or not to take the Ring back. Huge.

* The Gollum in Sméagol is inspired by Sméagol's Grandmother. Gollum, I believe, is the darkness that already existed in Sméagol, but pulled to the surface and strengthened. I imagine his darkness was learned behavior. Rich Grandmother, loving her treasures, scolding Sméagol, trying to keep him under control with cruel words and, also, Stoors were known to whip their kin with sticks when they misbehaved. So Gollum I imagine is like Sméagol's abusive and greedy Grandmother. I imagine she's where he learned the phrase "My precious".

Some ideas I've already posted about but I can say them again:

* Sméagol is touch-starved, needs to touch to feel connected

* He has PTSD/Dissociative Identity Disorder

* Sméagol is Autistic (wouldn't be called that in Middle-Earth but either way, I believe he has what people now a days would call high functioning autism)

I can't think of any more at the moment but if you want to know what I think about other things you can assssk!

[chronicallyaunline]

Legolas makes more sense if he’s autistic

I recently re-watched the Lord of the Rings movies and I couldn’t help noticing how strange some of Legolas’s behaviour is. So many of his lines are unconnected to a broader conversation, and when they’re directed at others they often feel at odds with the scene.

Alternative theories for why Legolas is weird:

Bad acting

Bad writing

That’s just how elves are

I’m going to disregard the meta analysis for now, but there is a decent body of evidence that elves do not behave the same way Legolas does. In fact, I think his weirdness is camouflaged by being the only elf in most scenes. The other characters and audience members are more likely to attribute his behaviour to being an elf than to him being whatever the Middle Earth equivalent of autistic is. All the elf characters love being aloof and saying cryptic bullshit, but this is something beyond that.

Some evidence:

Flat affect, issues with empathy

After Gandalf is believed to have died, the Fellowship is in Lothlorien where an elf choir sings a lament to Gandalf. Legolas tells the group that it’s for Gandalf, but then says he can’t tell them what is being said because the grief is too fresh for him. His facial expression and tone are extremely flat. He isn’t malicious and doesn’t seem to lie anywhere else in the series, which suggests that he really does feel so intensely sad that he can’t tell the others what is being said about Gandalf. The fact that he feels that level of emotion with an entirely straight face reads like autism. A few minutes after this scene we see Galadriel experience intense fear, and in some scenes Elrond is visibly angry, which suggests that low emotional affect isn’t a facet of the species. It’s unique to Legolas.

While it doesn’t make sense for him to be purposefully unkind, telling people that their friend is being eulogized in a language they don’t speak and then refusing to translate is an odd choice. Why tell them at all if he wasn’t going to tell them what was being said? It seems like he struggles to understand what the impact of that would be on others.

Poor interoception (understanding of one’s own emotions and body signals)

During a drinking competition Legolas appears slightly confused when he discovers that he’s experiencing symptoms of drunkenness. Legolas has been alive for centuries. It doesn’t seem plausible that he’s never had a large quantity of alcohol before. We don’t see other drunk elves in this series so intoxication could be highly unusual for them, but it still seems odd that Legolas would be surprised by a bodily experience (tingling fingers) being connected to drinking. He only identifies a “slight tingling” as a symptom, yet his movements and speech are slowed in a way that suggests that he is more affected than he realises. He has just failed to pick up on what is happening.

Unusual social behaviour

Aragorn shares a plan to help Frodo by diverting Sauron’s attention with an army. Legolas unhelpfully summarizes with, “a diversion.” He also smiles slightly after saying this, which makes it come across as genuine rather than sarcastic. Either he has wildly underestimated the intelligence of everyone else in the room, is voicing his interal monologue, or is making an awkward attempt to be part of the conversation. There is no evidence elsewhere of him considering the other characters stupid or of him voicing his thoughts aloud. This looks more like mirroring, trying to be part of the conversation by parroting back what someone else said. This statement adds nothing to the conversation except to get him involved, which may be the true goal.

When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli first meet Eomer, Gimli says something rude to him and Eomer says that he would cut off Gimili’s head if it were further from the ground. Legolas responds by drawing an arrow and threatening Eomer, which takes a tense but calm interaction and escalates it into a stand off. There was nothing about Eomer’s behaviour to suggest that he was actually going to harm Gimili. It was more about trading aggressive banter than an actual threat to Gimli’s life. It’s Legolas who unnecessarily escalates the situation and causes the Rohirrim to draw their weapons. He isn’t dangerously impulsive elsewhere in the movies, which makes me think he didn’t understand the interaction. He took Eomer’s words as a genuine threat and reacted as though Gimli was already in danger, which doesn’t seem to have been the case.

Conclusion

I’m of the opinion that a neurotypical Legolas is kind of a bad character. It makes it difficult to get a sense of his internal life, what motivates him or why he responds the way he does. So much of what he does and says seems like the writers and actor just didn’t know what to do with him. That may be the case, but if we re-interpret his behaviour as elf autism, he’s a more interesting and sympathetic character. I think we are always meant to interpret him as having a different brain from humans, but even the oldest and wisest elves interact more “correctly” with others. I’m not suggesting that Legolas was written as intentionally autistic, but so much of what makes him an erratically-written neurotypical character makes him a plausibly written autistic character.

[fandomsarefamily1966]

Character ask: Beth March (Little Women)

Tagged by @princesssarisa. Thank you so much for this, as I love her and have a lot of feelings about her that I want to share.

Favorite thing about them: She is the kindest character in the whole book, and this turns out to be her biggest strength. She may be so shy to the point that talking to people outside her family is extremely difficult, but she doesn't let that stop her from helping those who need it, whether it's helping the Hummels when the baby is sick with scarlet fever, or talking to Frank to try and cheer him up. And this has an enormous impact: everyone adores her, to the point that they all miss her when she first gets sick, and make sure to show her how much she means to them when she's on her deathbed. She may not have "achieved" anything like her sisters do, but she still matters, and that means so much to me.

Least favorite thing about them: When she tells Jo to take her place after she dies. Like... Beth, sweetheart, no. No one could ever replace you. And Jo doesn't need to be more like Beth to be worthy of love. The fact that Mr. Laurence says something similar after he returns from Europe with Amy and Laurie doesn't help, either.

Three things I have in common with them:

*I've always been really shy and awkward, and tend to mostly keep to myself.

*I love music.

*I always try to be kind and help people as best I can.

Three things I don't have in common with them:

*I do want to get married and leave the house someday.

*I'm not much of an animal person.

*I can't play the piano, but I would like to learn how.

Favorite line: Once again, there are many, but I'll try to keep it simple.

When she starts to overcome her fear of Mr. Laurence for the grand piano:

"I'm Beth. I love it dearly, and I'll come, if you are quite sure no one will hear me and be disturbed."

When she gently calls out Meg in the way that only she can:

"You said the other day that you'd be perfectly happy if you could only go to Annie Moffat's."

When she commends Amy for her behavior with the rich girls and once again shows that she's not an impossibly perfect saint:

"Yes, we all do, and love her for being so ready to forgive. It must have been dreadfully hard, after working so long, and setting your heart on selling your own pretty things. I don't believe I could have done it as kindly as you did."

And finally, her reaction to Jo's poem about her:

"Then I don't feel as if I'd wasted my life. I'm not so good as you make me, but I have tried to do right, and now, when it's too late to begin even to do better, it's such a comfort to know that someone loves me so much, and feels as if I'd helped them."

brOTP: Her sisters, especially Jo, as well as Mr. Laurence. (I also feel like in crossover land, Lucy and Frodo would absolutely adore her, and vice versa.)

OTP: None.

nOTP: Mr. Laurence, or any member of her family.

Random headcanon: She's either on the autism spectrum, has social anxiety, or both, and her angelic image is an attempt to not be a burden to her loved ones and to try and make up for the fact that she can't mask.

Unpopular opinion: If any of the March sisters are aromantic, it's Beth, not Jo. Beth never wants to get married or have children, and Jo does change her mind about that after a while, which I guess might rub some people the wrong way. This isn't to say that you can't have whatever headcanons you want, but this makes more sense to me. Also, I don't normally say stuff like this, but if you think that Beth "needs to die" just because she's not a normal girl, you're ableist, plain and simple.

Song I associate with them:

"Stuck Inside a Cloud" by George Harrison.

"April Come She Will" by Simon and Garfunkel.

"marjorie" by Taylor Swift.

Favorite picture of them:

These illustrations by Pablo Marcos Studio:

With Mr. Laurence:

As the postmistress:

When she gets scarlet fever:

The snow maiden:

With Jo, before she reveals her doom:

With Jo at the seashore during THAT scene:

The last time we see her in this version:

These illustrations by Michael Adams:

With Mr. Laurence (this version is more affectionate):

With Meg and Jo watching over her on her sickbed:

This black and white illustration of her with her cats on her (first) sickbed:

[borom1r]

WEIRD fuckin ask but we talked about it once and it would not exit the brain. Flavours of neurodivergence within the fellowship: discuss?

OGH. no, good ask. good ask I love it. AUTISM FLAVORED bc that is my own experience :3

Aragorn— autism of the “I Am 100% A Changeling, I Have No Idea How To Relate To Humanity” variety. like yea being partly raised by elves didn’t help but he absolutely wandered around mimicking people to learn how to Behave Like A Person. autism trait absorption for the win!! comes to Minas Tirith and gets a painful crash course in masking, but never quite figured out how to Not stare at someone like a feral cat when he wants something from them (despite the Stare, HATES eye contact)

Boromir— OPPOSITE AUTISM. very direct. EXTREMELY rigid routines. military history special interest (literally just undiagnosed dad autism). probably has food sensitivities but he’s spent so long as a soldier he can just eat anything now. he hates it and he won’t eat a big portion of non-safe foods, but at least he can swallow them. he IS absolutely 100% undiagnosed and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong but if he doesn’t get to perfectly make his bed every morning he will be in a Noticeably Bad Mood for the rest of the day < does not understand that this isn’t normal

Gandalf— oh there’s definitely something going on there, but good luck with figuring THAT out

Legolas— AuDHD king. the autism/ADHD comorbidity is real and he barely bothers to mask. least of all in front of men?? he’s an elf prince and you expect him to act “normal” by human standards? I love how jacked up the Hobbit film timeline is bc Thranduil implying to Legolas “yeah go hang out in Rivendell with a ten year old” is SO funny. canon to me tho. there was a very significant chunk of time where Aragorn was just Mini Legolas. hell world for civilized Rivendell elves. unlike Aragorn, however, prefers very direct eye contact. WILL fully hit you with the 👁️👁️ almost unblinking for a whole conversation

Gimli— I’m gonna be real here. I think neurotypical but in the sense of like. literally nobody cares. dwarves are craftsmen, artisans, smiths, you think they’re going to risk squandering talent simply because somebody needs some accommodations? are you nuts???? like yea maybe somebody’s a Little Weird Sometimes but they can work the forge just fine or tool leather for straps/handle wraps, or draft designs, or stamp metal for decorations, like?? doesn’t particularly grasp the need for labels when you can just work with ppl to figure out what’s best for them + then everyone’s happy. fully has to stew on the fact that Men Don’t Do That, men are actually very rigid about what is socially acceptable and won’t provide accommodations Unless there is a label. wild.

Frodo— autism/depression hell combination. no meltdowns, only shutdowns. auditory processing disorder!! definitely also has poor temperature regulation (CONSTANTLY cold). hey did u know that’s a symptom of ASD? crazy. WILD. anyways. Sam knows he can barely handle the feeling of mittens/gloves so half the time when they’re hanging out is Sam just holding Frodo’s hands so they actually fucking warm up for a bit. not too rigid about Big routines, most of his are Little (always putting a specific amount of sugar in his tea, for example)

Sam— neurotypical but in the sense of my dad where he was just SO used to me being Autistically Strange that he was just like. “well, that’s Strider!” < blissfully unaware. fully just SO used to whatever’s going on w/ Frodo+Merry that it’s Normal to him. like wdym they’re different?? those are just his friends?? hello??

Merry— ADHDDDDDDDDD. and look ik Tolkien said pipeweed is just tobacco but that’s a lie and we all know it, right? right. self-medicating with pipeweed.

Pippin— neurotypical but Pippin-flavored

[snaggletoothedbastard]

All right, I'm about to say it. Frodo Baggins is autistic.

During what I just realised is literal years I've spent researching autism, I have noticed quite a lot of autistic traits not only in myself, but also in Frodo. And I'm going to talk about them because I've been thinking about this for a long time and I just really want to talk about it. (Also this gives me a chance to practise analysing stuff for some English exams which are happening soon.)

Just to be clear: I am not a psychologist nor do I claim to be; this is based on extensive research, my own experiences and the experiences of other autistic people that I've seen/heard/read about.

I'll focus on the book first.

So, literally one of the first things anyone says about Frodo and his family is that they're "queer", in this case meaning "strange". Someone also says Frodo is very similar to Bilbo, and if Bilbo is not autistic I will eat my fucking hat. It also makes sense that some people in Frodo's family would be autistic because autism is genetic.

In the first chapter of "Fellowship", Frodo spends the day after Bilbo's party dealing with various annoying hobbits, and we get these lines: "In the middle of the commotion the Sackville-Bagginses arrived. Frodo had retired for a while and left his friend Merry Brandybuck to keep an eye on things. When Otho loudly demanded to see Frodo, Merry bowed politely. 'He is indisposed,' he said. 'He is resting.'" and "Frodo was sitting at a table with a lot of papers in front of him. He looked indisposed – to see Sackville-Bagginses at any rate; and he stood up, fidgeting with something in his pocket. But he spoke quite politely". Both imply quite strongly that he ends up getting burnt-out from having to interact with all those people. Also, "fidgeting with something in his pocket" sounds a lot like stimming, and it happens again in the Prancing Pony when he stands on a table and tries to divert the attention away from Pippin. Another example of stimming is the random singing/waxing poetic that happens frequently in the book. However ridiculous it might be to read, it's actually something I do quite a lot, especially at school.

There are some implications of sensory issues throughout the book. In chapter six Frodo is "reluctant to have his garments touched". When he is in Lothlórien he seems to experience some kind of sensory euphoria, suggested by the lines: "The others cast themselves down upon the fragrant grass, but Frodo stood awhile still lost in wonder" and "He saw no colour but those he knew, gold and white and blue and green, but they were fresh and poignant, as if he had at that moment first perceived them and made for them names new and wonderful", which describe quite accurately how sensory euphoria feels for me. In chapter one of book four when he hears one of the Ringwraiths he "loosed his hold (on the rope) and put his hands over his head and ears"; this quote is fairly self-explanatory.

Frodo doesn't speak for a great deal of the book (highlighted in various quotes, including, "He said nothing, indeed he hardly spoke at all") and there are multiple occasions when someone, usually of high status, is talking to him and he doesn't say anything back because he can't find the words. When I read this I thought, bloody hell this is literally me.

He also has a very strong moral compass and sense of justice, which is shown frequently in the book (and the films, of course, but the book seems to make it more obvious). He makes a point of avoiding having to kill people, two good examples of these people being Gollum and Saruman. Several moments in the book, for example, the part where the elves don't want to let Gimli into Lothlórien and Frodo defends him, and the part where Faramir says Gollum should be blindfolded when they leave Henneth Annûn to which Frodo says this: "Blindfold us all three, and cover up my eyes first, and then perhaps he will see that no harm is meant" show how much he values fairness, and his determination to keep things fair in difficult situations.

To end the section about the book, here are two quotes:

"'I had a funny dream an hour or two before we stopped, Mr. Frodo,' he said. 'Or maybe it wasn’t a dream. Funny it was anyway.' 'Well, what was it?' said Frodo, knowing that Sam would not settle down until he had told his tale, whatever it was. 'I haven’t seen or thought of anything to make me smile since we left Lothlórien.' 'It wasn’t funny that way, Mr. Frodo. It was queer. All wrong, if it wasn’t a dream.'"

and: "Faramir smiled grimly. 'Then you would grieve to learn that Boromir is dead?' 'I would grieve indeed,' said Frodo. Then catching the look in Faramir’s eyes, he faltered. 'Dead?' he said. 'Do you mean that he is dead, and that you knew it? You have been trying to trap me in words, playing with me? Or are you now trying to snare me with a falsehood?'"

In the first quote Sam says his dream was "funny", meaning, "It was queer. All wrong, if it wasn’t a dream", but Frodo takes him literally and thinks he means "funny" as in "anything to make me smile". Autistic people are often more likely to take things literally when meanings aren't entirely clear. And something similar happens when Frodo talks to Faramir, as shown in the second quote. When Faramir says, "Then you would grieve to learn that Boromir is dead?" Frodo doesn't understand him straight away and assumes he is talking hypothetically.

Okay now I'll focus on the films. I'll probably be doing more subtext-reading for this, because the films can't really show what's going on in Frodo's head as well as the book can. So I can't promise that everything I say here will be totally accurate but I'm thinking, if it's not explicitly stated, you technically can't tell if it's wrong or right so I'm going to go with what I think is the most accurate interpretation of the evidence given, and hope for the best.

The way Frodo expresses himself in the films is interesting. He is likely to be more expressive when he's with people he's close to, like Gandalf, than when he's with people he is less friendly with, like the elves in Lothlórien. If we compare his facial expressions in these shots:

to these:

we can see that they change a fair bit more when he's talking to Gandalf than when he is in Lothlórien with the rest of the Fellowship and the elves. In the first three pictures his face doesn't really change drastically but it conveys various different emotions, whereas in the last two pictures his face is very neutral and it's harder to tell what he's feeling. It's also important to take note of the scene in between these two sections, which I'll just refer to as Gandalf's Death Scene. Frodo's reaction to Gandalf's death presents itself as a relatively short but very intense outburst which quickly turns into a much quieter, and what looks like a more internal, reaction. He goes from screaming at the initial shock to just crying silently within about two minutes. The impression I'm getting from this is that he feels quite intense emotions but possibly struggles to express them, especially around people he doesn't know. And the scenes I've mentioned are just a couple of examples. Here are some more:

(talking to Faramir)

(talking to Sam)

See the difference?

Going along similar lines, Frodo is clearly shown to have a lot of empathy. The stereotype is that autistic people don't have much empathy, and while this is the case for some people, for others the opposite is true. Frodo is very empathetic and also very compassionate. He obviously cares a lot about other people and he at least tries to be kind to everyone, even when no-one else sees the point. (Is it obvious I'm referring to Gollum? Because let's be real, we all knew this was going to come up eventually. I've talked in great detail about this before so I won't elaborate too much about it now or else I'll just be repeating myself. If you want to read my analysis about Frodo's relationship with Gollum, it's on my blog somewhere, it's fairly recent and it shouldn't be hard to find.)

I think one of the most noticeable differences between the book and the films, at least in the context of what I'm writing about, is the fact that the body language in the films seems to have more significance (for want of a better word). Not that there isn't any in the book, because of course there is, but as far as I can tell, the films, being very visual things, allow body language to be shown more clearly and with more subtle details than the book. This is what has led me to focus more on things like facial expressions when I'm talking about the films, in contrast to what I've said about the book, which is mostly about dialogue (or lack thereof) and description. So, following on from that, I'd like to point out something that is apparently quite obvious and has caused a lot of people to take the piss out of Frodo: his clumsiness. Apparently Frodo falls over thirty-nine times (or thereabouts) in the film trilogy, and spends a fair amount of time walking like he's got two left feet. Struggling with balance and coordination is a slightly less well-known autistic trait but it's an autistic trait nonetheless, and it's also a symptom of other disabilities like dyspraxia. So I would advise against making fun of it, because being made fun of for showing signs of a disability doesn't feel great.

In conclusion, Frodo is autistic-coded and I see this as an absolute win, whether it was intentional or no. He is a brilliant character and the fact that he is autistic-coded just makes me like him even more. There are a lot of fictional characters that I like and can relate to, but I have yet to find someone I can identify with as much as Frodo.

[meichenxi]

tldr; autistic parents are fantastic and fuck you if you think otherwise, signed, a disaster queer adhd daughter

So on the back of a lot of negative stuff I've been coming across recently I wanted to take a moment and talk about my dad. He is autistic and chronically ill, and has been unable to hold a job down since I was eight or nine. He only ever responds with brutal, crushing honesty when I ask him how he is (and as he's chronically ill, the answers are rarely fun); he doesn't have any close relationships with any other adults and is so afraid of crowds he sprints through them leaving the children to run after him as best they can; he very rarely told me I was doing well and never seemed to understand my point of view, much less my mother's; he would never talk about anything other than bloody knitting, rocks or conservation, he could eat approximately 0.5 foods but also had no job to buy anything better; he frequently goes around naked because 'it feels nice' causing me to SCREAM -

He's my favourite person in the entire world.

Growing up, there were so many things he taught me. His special interests were geology, nature conservation, wildlife gardening, taiji, mythology and knitting. When we were kids, we went out for long walks for miles and miles in the drizzling British countryside - when I was young, my brother and mum would lag behind and me and my dad would skip ahead, jumping over the rocks, and he'd tell with great excitement why THAT twisty line of quartz was actually less exciting that this outcrop here; he'd teach me about the Salmon of Wisdom and the folk that live over the sea and never grow old, and impress on me with utter seriousness how I must never tell a stranger my name unless they tell me theirs first; he'd sit down with me and draw patterns for a jumper he was thinking of in the mud with a stick, and then we'd have a sword fight. I never understood half of the things he told me, but listened with wonder, because he was my dad, and he knew everything.

When I was a little older, we made up stories that lasted for hours, and memorised poetry together from Lord of the Rings (because THERE our interests collided with galactic force) and he'd do all of the voices just perfectly. We went one whole summer just quoting LOTR to each other, and it was our little secret: Mum might hear 'Yes,' but only I would hear what came after: 'Yes,' said Frodo, or 'Yes!' cried Boromir. And when I told him my story about a woman who lived in a volcano he listened quietly and told me that that wasn't how volcanoes worked, but that he could help me write it better.

Everybody's autism is different. For my dad, it rendered him completely incapable to work and was paralysing in social situations, but when it was just me and him, he told the most wonderful stories. I wanted to be a geologist just listening to his voice, and then a writer, and then finally someone who understood the land like he did and the sea.

And he made me feel normal. He made me feel heard. With my mum, as much as I loved her, I would get vague noises of assent as she struggled to look after everybody in this damn house, or irritable 'Would you just be quiet for ONE second?' I was a talented kid, and everybody praised me at pretty much everything: but the only person who would consider anything I wrote like it was an adult's writing, with seriousness and criticism, was my dad. He didn't tell me I did well often. Instead he would take my picture, or my writing, and look at it with great seriousness, and ask me WHY the Queen was so intent on kidnapping beautiful princesses in the first place. I could trust him to tell me whether I did something well or not, because he never, never lied. Not to please me, and not to please anyone. It cost him his marriage and his job, but it was a rock of stability in my life : my mother was volatile, frequently furious enough to resort to violence, and she lied and laughed and told us what we wanted to hear, but he was always reliable. If he was angry, we knew.

When I spoke for hours about my languages, he listened, nodded, and then spoke about his plants. It was a perfect give and take because I didn't expect him to care about my languages, and he never expected me to care about his plants. We just cared about the other.

And when I didn't make any friends and couldn't interact with the other children without despair he was always there with a silent offer of a bike ride, or catch in the park. He was always the fittest person I knew, despite his illness. He had lots of grand ideas - once he climbed the tree outside our house and tried to rig up a platform fifteen metres above the ground. After three days he was inconsolable. He wouldn't speak, he just sat there. But a few days later he started drawing up plans and attacked it again, and this time it worked.

My dad is great for a lot of reasons, and difficult for a lot of reasons too. Some of these are just him - but some are specifically related to his autism, and I think it's important that we talk about that too, especially in the context of parenthood. Because we see a lot of positivity about young autistic adults and kids, but older adults are just as valuable and just as in need of support and recognition, particularly because they may have gone through so much. My dad was made to stand in a bucket of urine for three days as a kid to 'pull himself together'. Spoilers: it didn't work.

And I'm not autistic myself, but many of my ADHD behaviours are so much easier around him because he just. gets it. If I don't like a certain food because of the texture, he never buys it again - I don't need to explain myself. We leave all social events early, which is wonderful because he is very stressed and I am either so high on adrenaline I'm in danger of injuring myself or exhausted to the point of not being able to talk. We run through crowds together because he hates crowds and I like the chance to stretch my legs. We don't touch or keep in contact very much, because neither of us see the point or like small talk, and I'm terrible at messaging anyone, but I know (and he knows) as soon as we need each other we're there. We do handstands on the beach together and he points out plants on the way back along with their Latin names. He never bothers me about talking to my friends or stopping clowning and watching my stupid shows or spending ten hours a day on Chinese or Tolkien. He never mocks me for needing space and time after anything. We lie on the concrete together because it's so damned warm and nice and adgshhhhh. We spend hours playing taiji and doing push hands in the kitchen, and our 'love language', if you will, is him trying to throw me to the ground. We both get 100% of our emotional intelligence from books, and in any arguments can use this to great effect. I talk at him for an hour, and then he talks at me for an hour. I know so much about fucking willow trees.

So people who say that autistic parents are cold and incapable of care? My dad was the most sincere, honest and helpful parent a child could have ever asked for. Things were difficult, but it helped me understand that parents too have needs, and that adults are all just grown up kids trying their best. I didn't know why he was different as a kid, and I didn't much care - I just wanted to be a geologist like my daddy.

[theparadoxmachine]

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while and by the end of this post, hopefully anyone reading this will see the humor in why it’s taken me so long to write this.

My neurologist has been helping me get a handle on some of my health problems, including mental ones and the fact that I’m so tired all the time. So far we haven’t found a solution to that, but he sent me to a neuropsychologist and a pulmonologist for tests. A sleep study showed I don’t have sleep apnea, so that’s good, but the test didn’t measure my brain waves during sleep, so I have no idea what it gets up to when I shut down. Though given the sheer amount of nightmares I have it’s probably a lot. 

The neuropsychologist on the other hand determined that, as I suspected, I have a strong case of ADHD, inattentive type. I am also autistic. Well, she said that I have indicators for being mildly on the autism spectrum, especially as it relates to sensory issues and socialization, and that other symptoms I have are comorbid with other issues I have, like ADHD and depression. She did say that I have clinical depression and general anxiety disorder. So...nest of vipers in my head. Good to know. 

Actually I finally got around to reading her diagnostic report on me and man...it’s like 6 pages long and after a while it starts to feel like a roast lol. “K is inattentive, pessimistic, socially tense, and passive aggressive.” Like, geez doc what’d I do to you? I mean, she’s not wrong, but geez. 

The report did also say that I’m in 99th percentile in intelligence and that I have strong character traits, including an extensive and expressive vocabulary, and that I really just need some help. Including better sleep hygiene lol no shit. 

But I’m not sure where to go from here. She gave me some recommendations, but I’m not sure what to do. My insurance isn’t great, so if anyone has some self help type literature, preferably geared toward adults (a lot of autism/adhd literature is geared toward neurotypical parents of neurodivergent kids and it is 1. Not helpful, and 2. Annoying) I would be very grateful. 

It’s odd because I’ve long suspected all of this and now that I have an official professional saying, yes, you have these things and then some feels kind of weird. Validating but weird. Like part of me thought this was sort of the end goal, but it’s not. Of course it’s not. I feel like Frodo when he finally gets the Ring to Rivendell and is ready to go home but then it’s like PSYCH you have to go to Mordor now. I’ve barely started. I want to piece myself together. I strongly suspect I also have C-PTSD but I’d need a different doctor for that. I don’t know where to start with the ADHD. We started me on a low dose of adderall but it’s not doing much. And I haven’t been able to get into my neurologist’s office for a long time. 

So yeah, small update. Any resources anyone can recommend would be great. Much love <3

[okidenshi]

Being a lesbian and also autistic, I’ve always had like. an interesting relationship with my gender- like when i was a kid i was really comforted when i heard about the term tomboy, and i described myself as such for a long time.

And like, i definitely also went thru that mindset that most women do where you just, despise everything associated with traditional femininity because obviously liking the color pink and wearing ugg boots meant you were “giving into the patriarchy” or whatever nonsense have you.

Tho my last two years of highschool, i realized that’s bullshit and i should live to do Girly Things if that’s what made me happy, and be unapologetic about it. And i was, i wore make up a lot and wore pinks and went to Starbucks and went to prom- and i loved it, i truly felt comfortable during that time. Now i had times were i would dress in flannel and jeans and shit cause i also knew i liked to look futchy too, but yea for the most part i was very feminine, and i was happy to express myself that way.

But... that being said, as I’ve lived outside of high school, i do wonder sometimes how much of that joy i felt about dressing that way came from the confirmation from others that i was doing a great job of fitting in with how girls are expected to dress an act. As an autistic person, trying to fit in socially is a struggle, and when we do it right, we are often praised by others and our own minds for doing so.

While that can be harmful for autistic ppl in general, being queer on top of that might also give the person (in this case.... me lol) a warped sense of gender identify and expression. On the side of my autism, there’s a desire to chameleon myself into society, and there is joy in successfully doing so, but that joy is, overall, short lived. As much as i like to Look Good, my first need as an autistic person is to feel comfortable in what i’m wearing. Even if i feel good wearing feminine clothes, the dread i eventually develop over having to wear clothes that are Nice Looking over a sweat shirt and loose jeans... it builds up, and eventually i think you can experience burn out from it.

But that’s the sensory stuff; i still acknowledge that, most of the time, i do have a desire to express femme-like. I like long hair, i like putting on short shorts and having round thighs and sleek shoulders an a softer face and wearing flowing dresses

And to be fair, I still adore the futch and butch Looks as well, and i often find myself yearning to chop my hair shorter and wear loose jeans and denim jackets and fingerless gloves. Like, the amount of times I think of Ellie from TLOU and just go “wow, i just wanna look like that” is quit often lol.  

But still, you can be a woman and dress masculine and feminine, i know that.

So....... why do i also find myself seeing men or male characters and thinking “god, if only i looked like that”? What about Frodo’s sharp jawline yet gentle voice and soft eyes made me think “thats me”, was there something about Danny Phantom’s clone being a girl and him being a man that made me so entranced as a kid when i saw it, why is it when i look at Cloud Strife in a dress do i ponder “is this what people mean when they say they experience gender euphoria?”

The idea of being a “man” or presenting masculine while not identifying as a woman or a man has been a off and on question since i was about 14, maybe even younger but 14 was when i had better terminology to think about it.

I don’t.... think i want to be a man, no, i don’t really like how that sounds or feels. I’m... ok with being a woman, but there are times were i dont really want to be a /woman/. I just want to be a body, a blank canvas to express a look or idea in that moment, and when i’m done with it, i have a “home base” gender to return to, something i’ve known and that i find familiar and safe. 

But yea... it’s confusing, and sometimes i feel dumb for thinking or talking about it, but it was been on my mind a bit the last.... while i guess??

Idek what terms to use. like.... technically i’m nonbinary, like by what i just described, you’d think that’s how i’d identify, but for some reason using that term doesn’t feel right for me. But i’m not a Woman either, i’m like?? a Queer Woman, yknow?

Sometimes i wonder if my sexuality is also just what i want my gender to be which i KNOW sounds ridiculous because they are two separate things but its just a thought i had. Like... women, yes, but. Queer about it.

Pronouns are also Wild, like i use she/her and honestly, even tho im like... and off-brand queer “woman”, i really do prefer she/her. They/them and he/him and other pronouns i’ve seen dont Feel Right, so um............. she/her will probably always bee the pronouns i use tbh. Maybe its my autism brains just liking familiarity, but they feel most comfortable to me even if im Not Exactly A Woman. 

Anyway...... this probably made no sense, but it was just on my mind i guess. TLDR; my gender’s just my name at this point and sometimes i think i wanna be a Boi but ehh?? eehmhmmmklsjdfl yknow?

[beerecordings]

if your still doing requests, can you do something of Autistic jackie being accepted even with his autism? I just need a pick me up. Today was rough. sorry if yiur not accepting requests. Feel free to ignore me if you arent. Sorry i didn't explain this the best.

Aww, of course I will try writing something for a friend who has had a rough day. Please remember though that I am not autistic, and I don’t like to write stories that are too much about Jackie’s experience - I tried to focus more on Jameson’s actions than Jackie, but I’m not sure exactly how it came off, so if I made a mistake, please correct me!! Also I wrote this in like twenty minutes so hope it’s good lol. That being said, hey, I hope you feel better soon :( let me know if you need anything, okay? You can always hit me up. I hope this helps at least a tiny bit. Love you, Nova.

“You don’t like it when I touch you, do you?”

Jackie stills, his body tensing.

He pauses the movie on the bed before them.

“I’ve noticed. I put my hand on your shoulder and you draw away. I grab your hand to get your attention and it’s like I stung you. You don’t hug anybody and no one hugs you.”

Jackie’s hands tug his zipper up, down. Up, down. Up, down. He can’t seem to meet Jameson’s eyes. He never does, really.

Jamie reaches out to set their hands close together, but does not touch, does not touch. Jackie nearly jerks back - and then, relaxes.

“It’s okay, of course,” Jameson adds quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply - ”

“Are you sure?” chokes Jackie, his voice shaking like Jameson’s never heard it shake before. Startled, his little brother stares up at him, worried now.

“Sure, course I’m sure. I didn’t realize… sorry, I didn’t realize it upset you this much.”

Jackie clears his throat and stares down at his hands, his eyes wet with tears. Distressed, Jameson clicks his tongue in a low, steady rhythm, soft and reassuring.

“Don’t want you to think I’m… I don’t know.”

Jackie sniffles and wipes at his face, doing his best to straighten up in his seat.

“Messed up,” he finishes roughly, biting down hard on his lip.

“Oh,” forms Jameson’s mouth, sympathetic now, gentle. “Of course I don’t… I would never…”

“I know, I know,” chokes Jackie, covering his face with his hands. “I know, you’d never, no one ever would, but they do, you know, they do, and I know I act - act wrong sometimes, you know? And I know it’s weird, and I’m sorry, if I could do all that stuff - hug you and touch your hand and stuff, if I could make you feel better I would but - ”

“No, it’s okay, it’s okay!” Jameson sits up, throwing off the blankets to kneel at his brother’s side, his hands demanding attention. “It’s not wrong just because it’s different!”

“And I have freak-outs and I cry like a kid and I hate it when anybody touches my stuff and I’m too loud, I know, I’m always too loud, and now I’m talking too much, I always talk too much, I’m really sorry, I’m really sorry, Jameson, I don’t mean - ”

“Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.”

It’s a steady, tangible sign. In, out. In, out. In, out.

And for a long time, they just… breathe.

Jackie’s rubbing the collar of his hoodie against his mouth. Running his hands along the soft fabric. The weight of it sits heavy and reassuring on his shoulders. He fixes his eyes on Jameson’s hands -

In, out. In, out. In, out.

- And he lets himself rock gently back and forth, squeezing his eyes shut, afraid to see his newest brother’s reaction.

Click, click. Jameson requests open eyes and Jackie obliges him, looking up to find his hands held up.

“Is it just skin?” he asks.

“Nnnhg.” Jackie grunts and shakes his head. Words are hard. He tries to sign instead. “Lots of feelings are bad.”

“But with touch, is it just skin, or should I not touch you at all?”

“Oh.” Jackie sits up straighter, rubbing at his reddened eyes. “Mostly just skin… sometimes I like the pressure of someone touching me through my clothes.”

Jameson nods, assessing.

And then he is pressing forward, just gentle, just slow, and he puts his warm heavy head on Jackie’s shoulder, and sits there, in silence.

“Like that?” he asks. “That would be okay? It doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t make a difference, however is easy for you. I would never expect anything from you that makes you unhappy, of course.”

Jackie is smiling at him, his cheeks flushed. Fuck, but he loves this new kid, this new kid Jack gave him. Fuck, but he loves this kid.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, reaching out to flick a strand of hair out of Jamie’s eyes as he draws back. “That would be okay.”

“Just no skin.”

“No skin. No. But I love the pressure, with the weighted blankets and shit, sometimes I just want to be like - fucking crushed, dude. I just want like weight, like - yeah.”

Jameson regards him carefully, still considering. Three weeks old and already such a little professional, such a little friend.

He gets to his feet and darts out of the room.

Startled, Jackie blinks after him. Did he scare him off after all? He didn’t mean - he wasn’t trying to - he just wanted -

And then Jameson is scampering back, a big smile on his face, and Jackie bursts into laughter to see him absolutely covered in every blanket he could yank out of the laundry cupboard, including an extra bed cover, and then he is plowing into his big brother and tackling him onto the mattress, giggling as Jackie yelps and reaches up to grab him, squeezing at his sides through the blanket and flipping him over to pin him down, shoving his face into the blankets up close to Jamie’s face and nuzzling in close, close, laughing and tickling him and throwing him back onto his chest, so that Jameson is one huge soft weight strewn across his stomach and shoulders, heavy and comforting and whistling out a melody of reassurance, smiling at Jackie.

“So like this,” he double-checks, scooting up higher on Jackie’s chest. “This is okay for you.”

Jackie’s laughing too hard to speak. “Yeah,” he nods, rubbing at his face, squishing Jameson’s arms beneath the bed covers. “Yeah.”

“Good.” Jameson grins, self-satisfied, and curls up better on Jackie’s chest, grabbing the laptop from the edge of the bed and pulling it close, so they can both see. “Good. Finish the movie with me?”

“Mm-hmm,” grins Jackie, beaming at him. “Yeah, good, finish the movie with me. We haven’t even see Frodo get caught yet, we got a while to go.”

“Hey! Spoilers!”

“Oh, don’t you pinch at me!”

“Don’t you pinch at - ow! Jackie!”

“Haha, such a little dork.”

“Just hit play! Ow!”

He laughs again and squishes JJ close, pressing the space bar and snuggling down in their blankets as the two little hobbits continue their way up the stairs. He feels warm, and not just cause he’s got a little brother and a mountain of blankets on top of him. And maybe it’s just skin, maybe it’s just the way that they touch, maybe it’s just one tiny accommodation for a single topping in the sundae bar of presentations that Jackie always feels like someone else loaded up for him, but fuck - fuck, he’s glad this kid is here, pressed up to his chest, like the only thing that matters is this - Here is my brother, and here is the best way to show him I love him.

“I love you,” says Jackie. He can feel his heartbeat if he holds him close enough. “I love you, Jameson.”

Jameson nods sleepily, tucked back against his chest, smiling. “Love you too,” he says, in signs Jackie learned just for him, and he’s grown to understand that the emphasis with which he signs the words is special, is certain, is true.

They’re both understanding each other better every day.

[lonestorm]

1) Hi, I'm the anon who asked why you are pro-life? I honestly hate that I created trouble for you and that people are now going to make you answer about all this instead; I apologise, I had asked out of curiosity and not out of malice. The question had been badly worded, but I'm still confused whether or not to accept abortion.

2) A person I know previously had one– and I have always felt it wasn’t my business what she did with her body and her baby. But, you make a solid argument, it IS a human life we are talking about here, and yet, I feel that the fetus can’t exactly be expected to care about a life it hasn’t received, and a life that may not treat it well once it is born as an unwanted child. And there still is the question of people who were raped, especially young children and teens.

3) I know you believe all life is sacred, but I think the life of a young pregnant person and their choice matters just as much as an unborn fetus. Who knows if they have the money, the support and the overall ability to raise a child? So is abortion murder? I sometimes think it is. Other times, no. It’s a controversial topic, and I have always felt if people want to have an abortion then it’s their choice. I’m sorry if it seemed I wanted to argue, I simply wanted a broader perspective on this.

—

Hi again, Anon!

Hey, it’s no problem! I didn’t sense malice. I enjoy a good discussion. It was a good question! I’m happy when people ask instead of the usual name calling. Honestly, I got a little less trouble than I expected. Being a pro-lifer on a college campus has made me paranoid about people finding out that I’m… not a liberal. In fact, I met a fellow closet conservative on campus today, and she shushed me because she was afraid some others in the room heard us discussing policy. It’s usually not fun if people find out O.O

I’m afraid, though, that I’m a bit confused on some of your points. I don’t really think I can stand behind the notion that someone deserves to live because they care about life or not. This goes back to the first argument of how arguments for abortion don’t match up with other situations. Does this mean that it’s okay to kill people that are in a coma, or suicidal? They don’t necessarily care about living. 

And is it okay to kill someone because YOU don’t think they’ll have a good life? I simply don’t think I have the right to tell someone that I’m going to “mercy kill” them because I don’t think they’ll have a good life. A person can make a good life for themselves, no matter where they come from, and it’s not my place to stop them because I think they can’t make it. In this regard, there are countries that think it’s okay to do abortions for the purpose of ridding their country of wonderful people with down syndrome or autism because they apparently won’t “have a good life or contribute to society.” Sorry that’s just… so wrong. 

I did address my view on cases of rape in the previous post.

And a person and their choice mattering as much as the child’s life… that just doesn’t make sense to me. If I murdered someone and then went to court saying, “My choice on whether the person I killed was beneficial to my existence matters just as much as their very existence,” I would be chucked in prison. If they don’t have the money or capacity to care for the child, then like I answered, there are hundreds of organizations and individual people more than willing to help and/or help you get your child adopted. I listed to a talk by a man who was pro life–because of his advocacy, a young mother reached out to him and expressed to him that she was having trouble with her pregnancy. She had decided not to get an abortion, but she didn’t have enough money to support her medical bills or the child. The man got her information and made a funding account for her online and threw in a few hundred dollars. Within hours, his supporters had donated thousands to her cause. All you need to do is reach out. People WANT to help mothers through this. 

I don’t mean to sound harsh or like I think you’re bad for disagreeing with me–I don’t feel like that at all! :) But all in all, I think murder is always murder, and saying otherwise is a wish to ignore more difficult truths. It’s been shown in nearly every hero’s journey we know: Harry Potter, Anakin Skywalker, Frodo, most superhero stories, hell, even Kaz Brekker… The hero has a difficult decision–to do what is right, or do what is easy. In the end, through much internal and external struggle, they do what is right through sacrifice, and often get a reward they didn’t expect in the end. Women who don’t get abortions I see as heroes. The world told them it was okay to escape the problem through an easy solution, but they chose the path of righteousness, their hero’s journey, even though it was the harder path. God bless them–they’re role models for us all. 

Don’t be sorry! I’m happy that you want to discuss and get others’ opinions to widen your perspective. Like I said, that’s very mature and awesome of you. I understand that it must be more difficult to accept when you know someone who had an abortion. Just know that people like me don’t think she’s evil, but do disagree with her choices and wish to educate–I believe a beautiful thing about love is how you can love someone even when you disagree with them. You are welcome in my askbox any time :)

[life-in-a-labrynth]

This is going to be kind of ridiculous, and I shouldn't preface all of my journal entries that begin that way. I'm so self-conscious. Sorry about that.

But so I... somehow got onto the topic of noise-canceling headphones. I think I was simply curious about how they work and wanted a deeper understanding. After reading up on sound waves and inverse frequencies, I must have thought of how a colleague of mine wears noise-canceling headphones. I thought it was odd he should wear them around the office. Surely he wasn't just listening to music all the time?

And the wikipedia entry mentioned how some people wear them to hear others better. And I thought that they may be a godsend, because *I* have trouble hearing people. It used to drive my ex Angela crazy. And I'm wondering now, when did this start?

When did I become insecure about asking people to repeat themselves? Or feeling self-conscious that sometimes, I kind of smile and nod, and there's a delay in what people tell me to my understanding them. A few moments later I'll say to them "oh oh oh THAT, yes, of course".

That can't be a technical glitch, can it? It's a disability. I have ADD. It's likely been with me my whole life. I may be on the autism spectrum. It's a troubling and excessively depression thing to grapple with. One I've tried to deny for many years. And am still denying. Please note that denial doesn't necessarily signal whether a thing is true or not, even though it has those connotations.

Spoken like a true person in denial, heh. But it's crushing me, because what does it all come down to? That I feel like an unlovable freak. That I feel inferior to others. Just some big retard, am I right? And oh yes, you know this was amplified by me having my heart broken by Dawn. Fucking cunt.

I'm still in so much pain from it. I hope I can escape it soon. But dealing with this is just bringing everything back up to the forefront. Not sure what to do. What CAN I do, but accept this?

Okay so, I tried calling a hearing clinic. I left a message to book an appointment to get to the bottom of things. One thing, I remember that I got my ears cleaned out a few years ago and it DEFINITELY did improve my hearing. Whether it improved how well I understood people is a different matter entirely. It didn't.

When did I get them cleaned? I can't remember exactly, but it was around the time that I met a girl named Alyssa, because I met her at the clinic where I had it done, and was so bold as to ask her for her number. I did it on impulse. It worked. Go me.

So anyway, this was after Trump was elected and I vowed to take a break from all social media and news. And I remember feeling bummed out because I wanted to hang out with Alyssa, but her and her friend (Mary?) were down at the shore, and were texting me. And for one reason or another I became defensive and suspicious of them, like they were only texting me to tease me, and I felt left out and unloved, and... it's very toxic, in retrospect.

But I remember them texting me while I was reading Lord of the Rings, or some other book I wanted to catch up on in lieu of my usual distractions. Oh right, it was Fellowship of the Ring, probably around the time that Frodo and the gang nearly got eaten by trees that put them to sleep with some kind of sonorous sound.

Sorry for the aside, I think little derails like that are funny. So anyway, I got my ears cleaned around then, and it must have been around late November, early December 2016. I asked out Angela in March 2017. So are we to say that only after 3 months, my ears again became so clogged, that I had trouble hearing her for that reason?

No. It's a cognitive disorder. And I'm holding onto hope that it's unrelated to autism. Though the fact that I DO have diagnosed ADD can't be a coincidence. It must be co-morbid with that.

As an aside, my ears ARE mad clogged again, and I need to get them cleaned out. I blame scuba diving last May. Bla-glock.

Okay, so, now what? I think I only wanted to write this entry because I was getting distressed about god damn Dawn again. If I were to get diagnosed with some kind of autism (unlikely that they would even venture a diagnosis like that, but nevertheless), I would have to keep it as my most guarded secret.

I'm a quirky person, that's out the debate. Cunt even told me, after demeaning me, that I'm just quirky and a big weirdo but she loved me anyway. It's tough to not see her as sinister, but I don't think it so. I've never thought she acted with malice when she criticized me, then felt bad, and tried to make me feel better by saying it didn't matter, because she still loved me.

I shouldn't have listened to her. "Love" was meaningless, because by that point, she already knew we weren't going to work out. And tried to bullshit me (and herself), two months later, by saying "well I mean I DO love you, I just don't think we'll work out". Or she tried to pretend there's a middle ground between romantic love and platonic love. I'm not buying it.

I shouldn't be dwelling on this. It's just making me stressed out and depressed. But what else can I do? I feel like there's more to explore here. I brushed against it above. Where my mind might now be finally ready to accept that Dawn isn't some villain. I mean... I already know that. It's just, it's so much easier for me, emotionally, to paint her that way.

Next step? Realizing that all her criticisms were founded, oh stop! Bullshit, Dan, don't go back there. I'm not re-litigating this. She's a crazy bitch, her judgments of me were fictional, and there's something seriously wrong with her.

Yeah, there were certain times we didn't see eye-to-eye, but the way she busted my balls over it was uncalled for and disproportional. Fuck, man. Thoughts flooding back. That whole "u are teh autistic/adhd/whatever the fuck" conversation was spawned because she just told me that my trip was "comically poorly planned". And criticized me for not listening to her. And making a mountain out of a molehill. And ignoring counter-facts to what she said, i.e. confirmation bias.

Ugh. I feel ill. Okay, let's pull back. I just need to know I'm not some unloveable freak for the way I am. Okay, Dan, why don't you pose that question to other people you've met? No one else thinks that. Do you REALLY think that all the girls you've went on dates with, think that? Do you think Laura thought that way? How about Mary? How about Tinder Travel Girl? How about Jackie? How about Jewish Pizza girl?

Mehhh, you're not wrong, but they didn't get to know me deeply.

Look, if you were some unlovable freak by the way you keep painting yourself out to be, don't you think they would have noticed pretty quickly upon meeting you? Instead of being charmed by you? Laura had a whole week to lose interest, and not look really disappointed when you told her that you didn't want to date her.

Jackie, Jamie, that girl who took you home and had a dog... why did all these girls jump your bones on the first date? You're just such an unlovable freak, Dan! All the true blue sweaty neckbeards living in their basements would kill to have that kind of body count. You think incels are unlovable bastards? They only get that way from telling themselves that, otherwise they'd be perfectly normal people. YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

Do you think Elisabeth thought you were some unlovable freak? (wish I hadn't fucked that up, sigh). Elisabeth was highly intelligent - hell, read her blog! So why do you want to take the opinion of a dumbass like Dawn, whose criticisms will collapse under scrutiny?

Sigh. Okay, you're right. I feel better. I really do need to keep Elisabeth in mind way more. She's highly respectable, intelligent, empathic... just an all around great person. So if she wanted to keep dating you, then what does that tell you? Forget about Dawn, she's an idiot, good for her, NEXT.

Okay, good. I feel better now.