#friends and/or seinfeld but with monster people

[fortunatelychaoticphantom]

Highlighted Posts - Serious Topics

Link for the fandom topics post.

For the sake of convenience, I've decided to make two massive posts concentrating all of my most important posts on various topics. These are my most popular posts, my favorite posts (i.e. not necessarily popular but they should be! Just kidding. Or not...) and my best comments on other people's posts that are valuable enough to be mentioned here (in my opinion obviously...).

The posts are separated into subjects, and each has a comment in brackets denoting what type of post it is: an analysis relating to real world issues, meta for fandom stuff, and jokes when it's, well, jokes, plus occasional ones that are self explanatory. Both subjects and Types might overlap. It seems like there might be a limit to the number of links per post, so I've divided them into two groups - serious topics posts and fandom posts.

Beside these posts, I have many others I made or commented on that were just not important enough to include here, as well as literally thousands of amazing and fascinating posts I've rebloged from others, but mentioning them all here is of course impossible. It should also be mentioned that often specific reblogs might have valuable notes on them on chains of reblogs, so keep that in mind.

Jewish Things:

Mourning October 7th (analysis).

Part 1: You fuckers say: “go back to where you came from”. The fuckers in those places say: “they’re not from here, don’t send them here”. Jews: =/ (analysis/joke).

Part 2: Denying the connection of Jews to the Land of Israel, but not letting us live anywhere else. It’s almost like… you don’t actually want us to live. Anywhere. At all. [AKA: the history of antisemitism on the left] (analysis).

Part 3: It's okay, the others hate us too [AKA: antisemitism on the right] (analysis).

Stop pandering to Western Leftists. They want us dead (analysis).

Western leftists might want me dead, but I don't want them dead. I'm angry but I'm not a fucking monster, you know (analysis).

My Roman Empire (the Roman Empire) (joke).

Blaming the Roman Empire, subversion and responsibility (analysis).

History and the Weaponization of Trauma in post-colonial narratives (analysis).

From sea to shiny sea, Abya Yala will be free (joke????/analysis).

Part 1: Israel is not a colonizer state, comparison to Liberia and the origin of the word “Palestina” (analysis).

Part 2: Jews and Palestinians are both indigenous to the southern Levant, and they're both fucking assholes (analysis).

Part 3: A day will come when we can recognizes that we’re all Arabs, but it is not this day. Also – the ridicules obsession with the foundation of Israel being in ’48 and the fact that new nations and cultures are always being created, even in recent history (yes, the Palestinians are one of those) (analysis).

Israel. Is. Not. A. Fucking. Colonizer. State. Guess who is though??!?!?!?! (joke/analysis).

The trauma of Oct. 7th and the fact that I no longer trust any of you fuckers (analysis).

Existing as a Jew on this platform is fucking hell (analysis).

Archaeological terminology and academia’s allergy to “Israel” (analysis).

No, Jesus wasn’t a Palestinian. Just say you hate Jews for fuck’s sake! (analysis).

אבל מה אם ישו כן היה חי היום...? (בדיחה)

Israel didn't exist in Biblical times??? Are you on fucking crack?! (analysis).

Ahhh, yes. Palestine. The historic home of every nation in the world (except Jews). Sure. Also, apparently they're appropriating the fucking Natufians now. (analysis).

Jews aren’t white 1 (analysis).

Jews aren’t white 2 (analysis).

Jewish IS an ethnicity, for fucking fuck fuck fucker's sake (analysis).

Antisemitism and Hollywood (The Nanny, The Golden Girls, Seinfeld and Friends) (Analysis).

Jewish people's physical appearance and antisemitism (analysis).

אנחנו חייבים לדבר על חוסר היעילות של הפגנות (ניתוח).

History and Social Issues:

King Menashe of Judea is awesome actually (analysis).

Native American cities and ethnocentrism (analysis).

Ancient Egyptians were (not) black (analysis).

The erasure of Hatshepsut isn’t what you think (analysis).

No, Hatshepsut didn’t wear a fake beard (analysis).

No, the Santorini volcano did not cause the Egyptian plagues (cause there were no plagues!) (analysis).

Elizabeth II, Rameses II and longevity of reign (joke).

The reality of the field of archaeology is a little more nuanced than calling them “grave robbers” (analysis).

No, Europe isn’t keeping historical artifacts “safe” in museums from the barbarians who can’t take care of them (analysis).

The danger of the “erasing queerness from history” tumblr narrative (analysis / didn’t contribute to this one, but it's important for other purposes and for easy access).

The danger of the “erasing queerness from history” tumblr narrative continues, Egyptian tombs electric boogaloo (analysis).

Cultural appropriation is rarely what you think it is (analysis).

You’re calling it “cultural appropriation”, but you’re just advocating for segregation (analysis).

Bend it like Beckham and the internet’s inability to understand the complexity of history and ethnicity (analysis).

Western Leftists be like: “well maybe you should have been born in a more MORAL country, like mine =)” (analysis).

The problem with “educate yourself” mentality (analysis).

Influencers and “educate yourself” bullshit (analysis).

Shutting up about social issues you know nothing about is an option, you should try it (analysis).

Real people aren’t representation (analysis).

Not everyone knows their sexual/gender identity, and that’s just as important to represent in media (analysis).

The concept of consent and haunted houses (analysis/joke).

If your multi-dating, talk to your fucking partners (analysis).

Covid and being on the same boat (joke/analysis).

A Covid joke because I’m hilarious and underappreciated (joke).

Professionals criticizing their profession's image in cinema (joke).

The trolley Problem is not about fault! (joke/analysis).

Police and “bad apples” (joke/analysis).

No, you don’t have a right over other people’s labor and creations (analysis).

Dupes are fucking evil and so are you (joke/analysis).

Stop insulting YA books (analysis).

Online bookish community's obsession with finding problems in the online bookish community (analysis).

Social media cyclical criticism of authors (joke/analysis).

Special editions are for fighting Amazon actually (analysis/joke).

Stop saying "Amazon is losing money on Kindle books". You're playing into their hands (analysis).

Bezos, the man who has everything except a heart (joke).

There’s nothing wrong with nepotism, you guys just don’t understand how professions work (analysis).

[azzie-mazzie]

„ ...and these children

that you spit on

as they try to change their worlds

are immune to your consultations

they're quite aware

of what they're going through...“

- david bowie

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welcome to my girlblog!

azzie , fifteen , november sagittarius , any pronouns , polish-ukrainian , trilingual , reading , writing , enfp , pinterest girlie , oldest child , cabin 7 , slytherin , thought + thot daughter

im a girl who loves...

david bowie , heels , jeans , red pandas , sylvia plath , fashion , my guitar , ootds , lana del rey , fruit salad , history , ancient greece , languages , halloween , late nights , vivienne westwood , poland , dark red , black , (coriolanus) snow , music , reading , fall , yelling at the tv whenever poland plays soccer , kiss me kiss me kiss me by the cure , horror , coffee , fashion shows , concerts , movies , dancing , jules verne , traveling , people with asymetrical faces and big noses , fangoria magazine , nyt games , going out , cold weather , birthday parties , new york , charli xcx , troye sivan , doing my hair , learning new words , making new friends , talking , daydreaming , piercings , being borderline delusional , ranting , shopping , chai tea lattes , procrastinating , blackberry everything , the roaring 20s , 1970s+60s , 1980s + 90s , sleeping , girlbloggers , messy girl lifestyle , makeup , flowers , animals , being goth and punk , tea , being dramatic , etc <3

fangirl favorites

spotify deep dive;

david bowie , hozier , bikini kill , the cramps , the cure , arctic monkeys , lana del rey , hole , the rocky horror soundtrack , puzzled panther , gogol bordello , babes in toyland , bauhaus , soft cell , charli xcx , ayesha erotica , le tigre , dazey and the scouts , p!atd , t.love , paramore , siouxsie and the banshees , sisters of mercy , lebanon hanover , cocteau twins , echo and the bunnymen , sanah , fleetwood mac , the smiths , duran duran , misfits , abba , the cranberries , mommy long legs , L7 , emilys sassy line , bratmobile , grlwood , slutever , etc <3

film files;

the rocky horror picture show , the princess bride , the highlander , evil dead , 10 things i hate about you , childs play , house of 1000 corpses , scary movie , the devil wears prada , scream , austin powers , corpse bride , edward scissorhands , labyrinth , the dark crystal , the craft , heathers , the perks of being a wallflower , the lost boys , monster in paris , heathers , the breakfast club , sixteen candles , ferris bueller's day off , die hard , the shining , the outsiders , men in black , pride and prejudice , beetlejuice , the neverending story , the wizard of oz , dirty dancing , grease , a cinderella story , white chicks , she's the man , mean girls , legally blonde , thirteen , girl interrupted , twilight (ironically) , old disney <3

tv show archive;

the powerpuff girls , young sheldon , the office , the dragon prince , stranger things, good omens , a series of unfortunate events , derry girls , ash vs evil dead , the witcher , anne with an e , the umbrella academy , the end of the f***ing world , supernatural, avatar the last airbender, the moomins (1978), brooklyn 99, seinfeld <3

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please please please reach out to me if we have the same interests , need to chat , or wanna be moots, i love meeting new ppl and being able to interact with you xoxo💗

!! dni if you are nsfw , 18+ , a mature themed blogs, racist , homophobic , misogynistic , and rude. this is a safe space for myself and others, do NOT ruin it by being oppressive !!

^if you are over the age of 18 and a girlblogger you are exempt from this

i am athiest , pro choice, pro lgbt and do not support russia. i don't typically talk about these topics, but if you can't deal with with my views and beliefs , simply do not interact with me. thank you!

[dockaspbrak]

What most alluring horror tropes/ reoccurring imagery have you seen?? I’d be interested in your take on that

parents as loving and evil at same time. cannibalism. destiny set in stone, preventable tragedies as defined by the society that created them. also when theres a monster that wants pretty girl i think thats hot.

I love a beast, love to see designed creatures. love frankenstein type misunderstood things too uh idk if new movies are super like thatbut cloverfield lane i thought john goodman was hot until he put that guy in acid….idk. i like opera stuff too like in episode 7 of hannibal season 1 sorbet and that pagliacci clips from like seinfeld LOL

i wish someone would make an Amadeus remix where salieri keeps trying to poison amadeus.

also i liked crimson peaks, people manifest as grief symbolic of their inability to move on past smth creating violence in the present sucking people in that could have avoided the encounter. adrian mellon in it when its come back i guess kinda and like the people who didnt leave but survived to become part of the uncaring adults who promote evil in derry idk oops sorry thats loong ill add a read more I love the tragedy too of someone sacrificing themselves for others. i loved it in the cave when that monster guy killed himself to save the others like lowkey i was tearing up. in hannibal i always loved when hannibal was killing people who were annoying like that was so justice complex good like annoying asshole dead now haha oh shit same thing in Saw. ok one last one i also like whne theres just a weird guy like. i understand horror sort of unfairly has got so much gay rep and interesting counter culture because thats scary to people but like deconscrtucting the fact we're seen as perverts and scary its like nice to see people i could be friends with in stuff like who look different and arent all blandly goodlooking or hot. complicated complicated i love movies

[mlobsters]

supernatural s4e19 jump the shark (w. andrew dabb, daniel loflin)

episode should be titled 10 more reasons to hate john winchester

seinfeld s5e22 the opposite - dedee pfeiffer as victoria

another tiny role on seinfeld that i know well because i saw them all enough and at a time when my brain was better at recording things.

okay but also? i think i know her from cybill?? which i probably haven't thought of since the 90s. and sometimes i wonder how i originally knew actors like say, alicia witt and christine baranaski and something like this drags it up from the depths

cybill (1995-1998) dedee pfeiffer as rachel blanders

okay but back to dean getting shat on. dear old dad wanted to give one of his kids a normal life and take him to baseball games and go camping that didn't involve killing monsters. aw, that's nice. except for all the gross child neglect of his kids he was supposed to be fulltime sole caregiver of. granted he didn't get involved in this kid's life until sam was away at college so it's not like the nice things happened simultaneously to the neglect. still hate you, man. and the recap made sure to remind us of how john treated sam's going to college.

that look sam gave adam after dean loses paper scissors rock was cute. was feeling the sibling vibes.

also got me considering the logistics of man sized ventilation inside this random house.

sam giving this kid the dad and dean no friends no life routine is something. remember this little exchange at the gas pump:

s1e6 skin:

SAM: So, what am I supposed to do, just cut everybody out of my life? (DEAN shrugs.) You’re serious?

DEAN: Look, it sucks, but in a job like this, you can’t get close to people, period.

SAM: You’re kind of anti-social, you know that?

but also harkens back to when dean was just trying to keep everyone alive while the other two were hellbent on self destructive revenge. which dean has been selling sam is just like dad and that's why they don't get along since then, but i'm not quite sure i buy that.

from s1e22 devil's trap:

Sam: We want to kill this demon. You used to want that, too. Hell, I mean, you’re the one who came and got me at school! (Dean scoffs) You’re the one who dragged me back into this, Dean. I’m just trying to finish it!

Dean: Well, you and Dad are a lot more alike than I thought, you know that? You both can’t wait to sacrifice yourself for this thing. But you know what? I’m gonna be the one to bury you. You’re selfish, you know that? You don’t care about anything but revenge.

that line about being the one to bury you lives rent free in my head.

i mean, i get what he's putting down in regards to his revenge quests, but i don't think there's a lot of similarities outside that. maybe because i like sam and john was a child neglecting piece of garbage. that is definitely a big blinder for me 🥴

i'm sure people enjoyed all that uh, excessive wound fingering and such with sam.

but my issue is those very significant cuts through his forearms and he's all fine and dandy in the next scene. he'd have some wicked number of stitches. and i guess nothing major was cut. just fleshy bits that dean can sew back up? i know, medical accuracy is way way WAY down on the list. but when they focus on the volume of blood he's losing so rapidly, i can't help but start to think of the logistics! anyway, made me think about hannibal's big ass scars in a similar place from matthew brown.

okay but also the kid has a point, of the ghouls were only eating dead people, was it really that important to be killing them?

that turned out a lot more therapeutic than i expected. and somehow i didn't know that fate of adam so i was actually surprised. i always am glad for dean to be working through some of his dad issues. sam is full of questionable choices these days. i'll give it to him, the writers, whatever. he really does sell that he's earnestly truly trying to do the right thing. but everything is a flaming pile of shit anyway.

DEAN I mean, I worshipped the guy, you know? I dressed like him, I acted like him, I listen to the same music. But you were more like him than I will ever be. And I see that now.

SAM I'll take that as a compliment.

DEAN You take it any way you want.

i mean.

anyway. okay i liked this episode even though i'm nervously looking at the time with how close the end of the season is and here we are off killing some monsters like it's any other week. this felt like an earlier to mid season episode. quality dean and sam time, daddy issues on blast.

and forever grateful shoutout to supernaturalwiki.com, the documentation is immaculate, found the episode with the bury you line in it in under 5 minutes.

[madssaunders111]

Liar, Liar! A Seinfeld x Saw AU

The story where everyone is guilty

Characters included: Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Benes, Cosmo Kramer, Newman, Kenny Bania, George Costanza

Word count: 7.2K

Content Warnings: Torture, death, cursing, mentions of kidnapping, death of an animal

The trap in this fic is the Shotgun Carousel Trap from Saw VI (Six)

~•~

You had just finished a trap involving having to choose who lives between two people. You approached a pair of double doors and placed your ears against it. Faint voices shouted from the other side.

"Help! Is someone there"

"Rescue us?"

"What is this?"

"It's dark in here."

You opened the double doors and the lights turned on along with red spotlights. Your jaw dropped as you saw your six friends sitting on a carousel with their hands tied behind their backs.

"Y/N?" Elaine asked. "What is this?"

"How am I supposed to know Lainey?" You snarled as Jerry, George, Kramer, Kenny and Newman yelled and panicked.

"Get us out of here!" George shouted as he wriggled his body around.

"Is that a gun?" Kenny shouted as he stared down at it.

The carousel slowly continued spinning clockwise, the lights brightly cast down on the group. A tape recorder rest of the table near a machine that had a spike inside it. The recording started to play.

"Hello, Y/N. In front of you are six of your closest friends, friends who have been with you since the very beginning. However, each of them has secrets plaguing them, secrets that can possibly be scandalous. Six ride the carousel, and two can get off, regardless of what they confess. The decision of which two survive is entirely up to you. But remember, no decision comes without pain. All you have to do is press the buttons in the machine in unison and the person will be spared. However, if you don't make a decision, everyone here will perish. Choose wisely, Y/N. Oh, and good luck, you'll certainly need it." The tape ended and everyone's panic increased, including yours. Everyone started shouting on top of each other.

"Y/N, please! Look...I hooked up with Scott, your boyfriend! I did it! It was me!" Elaine shouted as her spot stopped in front of the mounted shotgun. "Oh fuck! Y/N! Please! Have mercy!" The shotgun cocked and the bullet slipped into the chamber. "Please! Forgive me!" Elaine shouted louder than ever.

"No. I can't be friends with a slut!" You shouted out of anger. "How could you do that to me? I loved Scott so much! And you had unprotected sex with him too?! Are you fucking insane? Were you that desperate?"

The shotgun's trigger released shooting Elaine hard in the chest. Jerry, George, Kramer, Kenny and Newman let out panicked shouts as Elaine's blood soaked Jerry's and George's faces and Kenny's and Newman's clothes.

"Oh God! Lainey!" Jerry shouted as he wriggled. His face and hair dripped with sweat.

"Better start confessing!" You shouted as the carousel started to spin again.

"Look, there is something I need to say!" Newman shouted as his spot stopped in front of the shotgun. His eyes widened in fear. "I kidnapped and killed someone's dog! He was always chasing me during my mail route, and he was extremely loud. I couldn't take it anymore! I needed it gone! Your eyes widened in shock.

"You did what?!" You shouted in anger.

"Yes! I admit it!" Newman shouted. "And the owner never found out and never will!"

"You monster!" You shouted. "I love dogs! Dot never hurt anyone, he was innocent!"

"He was a gross mutt!"

The shotgun cocked and aimed up at Newman's chest.

"Save me, damn it! I'll confess to Dot's owner I promise!"

The shotgun trigger released and shot the bullet into Newman's chest.

"Oh God!" Kramer shouted as his face stained with Newman's blood.

The carousel continued spinning again. Newman's and Elaine's bodies were slumped down with their chests torn open. The carousel made another round.

"Look, I want to confess something! More specifically to Jerry!" Kenny shouted.

"Let me guess: Because you steal my jokes and material and pass it off as yours?" Jerry shouted.

"Well..."

Kenny's spot stopped in front of the shotgun.

"Look, I may have stolen Jerry's jokes, but I can never come up with my own stuff! I am a people pleaser! Please, let me live!" Kenny pleaded.

"People pleaser is an understatement!" Jerry shouted. "Now, I know why you always performed after me!"

"Kenny, Jerry, stop arguing!" Kramer shouted.

"Please, Y/N. I beg you!" Kenny whimpered.

"Plagiarism is against the law you know that right Bania?" You asked.

"Yeah...but it's not applied to comedy routines, just books and essays."

You turned your gaze towards the spike machine. You leaned your hand towards it.

"Push the button! Do it!" Kenny pleaded. As you stared the machine down, you moved your hand away.

"No! No!" Kenny shouted.

The shotgun cocked again and pointed upward toward Kenny's chest. Kenny wriggled and whimpered as the shotgun released the bullet into his chest. His body slumped down and blood dripped down his shirt.

"Holy crap!" George shouted.

His and Kramer's faces were stained with Kenny's blood while the back of Jerry's shirt was splattered. The carousel started spinning again.

"Three left! Confess now!" You shouted.

"I have nothing to hide! Honest!" Jerry shouted. "I haven't broken a law or anything!"

"Kramer, George!" You shouted.

"I may have pretended to be handicapped just to get a better bathroom...but it wasn't that bad!" George shouted.

"The fuck?" You shouted back.

" I apologized for it!" George whimpered. "But either way I still did it!"

The carousel stopped and George sat in front of the shotgun. His eyes widened in fear. “Please, Y/N, have a heart! I don't want to be like Elaine, Newman, and Kenny!" George pleaded. "Please! I'm sorry!”

"Remember Susan? Your fiance? She died because of envelopes YOU picked out!" You shouted.

"That wasn't my fault! I didn't know they were toxic!"

"They were extremely cheap! That should've been the first hint!"

"I apologized!"

The shotgun cocked and pointed up at George. "Y/N! Y/N! Please!"

The shotgun's trigger was pulled and the bullet shot into George's chest. His body slumped down and blood dripped down. Kramer and Jerry wriggled in fear.

"Jesus!" Jerry shouted.

The carousel started spinning again.

"Please, Y/N. Please!" Jerry wriggled his body around.

"What have you done Seinfeld? Anything illegal?" You asked. "Anything you want to confess?"

"I think this is fucked up!" Jerry shouted.

"Didn't you park in a handicapped parking spot?" Kramer shouted.

"Well yes...but because of you!"

"It wasn't my idea, it was George's!"

“Well, it was one of your guys’ idea!” I shouted as the carousel stopped. Jerry was positioned in front of the gun.

“Please, Y/N, you know me!” Jerry pleaded. “I’ve never committed a crime in my life.”

“You might not have committed a crime but you did buy an Indian statue from the pawn shop and give it to one of Elaine’s friends who was a Native-American!”

“So…I didn’t know that!” Jerry shouted. “Please, no!” The shotgun loaded and released the trigger. Blood splattered out of Jerry’s chest.

“Crap!” Kramer shouted as the carousel descended again. As the carousel stopped, he realized that he was the only one alive. “Well that’s over, huh?!”

You looked down at the machine in shame.

“When you’re killing me, you look at me!” Kramer shouted as he wriggled in the chains. The shotgun loaded and seconds later shot into his chest.

The room was silent and still. You let out a quiet sigh and left the room closing the door behind you, leaving the six bodies trapped.

[garyjugert]

Bogeyman: YOU'RE NOT MY BOO

Dybbuk: OY VEY I'M OUTTA HERE

Banshee: I'LL LEAVE QUIETLY

Pontianak: YOU'RE DEAD TO ME BABY

Zombie: YOU DON'T FEED MY BRAIN

Hydra: ALL MY HEADS HATE YOU

Chimera: YOU'RE A BIG JUMBLE OF NO

Yeti or Bigfoot: WE'RE NOT IN FOCUS

Dragon: WISH YOU WERE HOTTER

Unicorn: {Yada yada yada} HORNY.

Basilisk: BRING ME A MIRROR PLEASE

Phoenix: YOU LEAVE ME IN ASHES

Loch Ness Monster: OUR LOVE IS UNREAL

Satyrs: WHAT'S YOUR SISTER UP TO?

Centaurs: I SEE YOUR FACE AND NEIGH

Minotaur: THE WAY OUT IS RIGHT THIS WAY

Aqrabuamelu: OUR LOVE IS POISONOUS

Mermaid: YOU'RE TOO FISHY

Gorgon: BUT YOU ACTUALLY ARE A SNAKE

Nymph: I'LL BURN THIS FORREST DOWN

Goblin: YOU'RE AS PRETTY AS MY BROTHER

Gnome: YOU RUIN MY GARDEN VIEW

Leprechauns: YOU'RE AN UNMENDABLE SHOE

Ogre: JUST GO OVER THE BRIDGE ... GO!

Cyclops: YOU MAKE ME WANNA BE A PIRATE

Oni: I'D RATHER EAT BROCCOLI

Golem: YOU'RE NOT MY PRECIOUSES

Uniclues:

1 Performance at the NYTXW Christmas party celebrating the fifth grader in charge of the slush pile.

2 The Russian people.

3 The one the Republicans are calling upon to find a speaker.

4 You like Seinfeld's friend?

***

1 STAY CLASSY SKIT

2 IVAN TCHOTCHKES

3 YEA MYSTIC

4 COSTANZA? GOSH NO!

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/8/2022: HELLRAISER (2022)

I think this movie is shining a light on the difference between how horror fans judge modern movies versus older ones, and perhaps especially versus the films of their childhood. I feel like I'm seeing a lot of responses from viewers who were immediately hung up on the glibly-deployed elements of addiction and recovery in HELLRAISER 2022, and so found themselves unable to engage with anything else in the movie. Personally…I just didn't take it so personally, and it occurred to me that I've never heard anyone complain about the ludicrous portrayal of mental illness and autism in HELLRAISER II, or the specter of incest that haunts HELLRAISER '87, and I could easily branch out into other much-adored movies that are not too socially-just, but that remain cozily swaddled in nostalgia, loved and forgiven. Maybe there's a feeling that newer movies should know better, coming as they do from an enlightened era of being fully informed about the suffering of others via the educational power of the internet, and therefore taking everything as seriously as possible. Maybe that makes modern viewers feel like it's too late to correlate the scourge of addiction with the quest for experience sought through the lament configuration. I mean, everybody has a right to their reactions and I think it's culturally healthy for even a really great work of art to take a few slings and arrows, to keep us all off autopilot. But I think that holding the human grist in HELLRAISER to the standards of neorealist drama is sort of missing the point of a movie like this—which is, of course, the cenobites.

And the cenobites are great! Director David Bruckner gives good monster yet again, having delivered a fabulous beast in 2017's THE RITUAL, and true to the spirit of 2020's THE NIGHT HOUSE, he shows a refined understanding of infernal geometry. David S. Goyer joins the screenwriters of the latter movie, Ben Collins and Luke Piotrowski, to set up a plot about a rich pervert (Goran Visnjic) who has a typically disappointing transaction with the cenobites, and so he manipulates a group of young dirtbags into helping him negotiate a new deal. I guess there are never enough survivors of cenobite commerce for word to get around that they only offer a monkey's paw type of thing, but I don't really care if the characters make a lot of dumb decisions so long as the tradeoff is always that I get to see cenobites.

The story centers on recovering addict Riley (Odessa A'zion, who I just have to mention is one of Pamela Adlon's kids!) who discovers the lament configuration during a robbery planned by her sleazy boyfriend Trevor (Drew Starkey). Riley's lapse of judgement allows the cenobites to make off with her brother (Brandon Flynn), and so Riley and her friends pursue the secrets of the puzzle box to try to save him. While HELLRAISER '22 has been described as a remake and a reboot and a reimagining in various quarters, David Bruckner has been clear that it's, like, just another Hellraiser story. There are a lot of books and comics and movies about all the different people who fall prey to the box's enticements, and it's totally reasonable to just make another one of those based on the series' abundantly flexible premise. Actually, while my husband and I were watching the movie, we started compulsively riffing on all the different things you could do: First we felt like Riley's misadventure with her unlucky friends was just like an episode of Search Party, which made us think about how funny it would be to introduce the lament configuration in other Bad People sitcoms like Seinfeld, or Curb Your Enthusiasm, or It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and then before long we were imagining a whole season of The Rehearsal where Nathan Fielder tries to get a series of unfortunate rubes to open the box for him.

What HELLRAISER '22 offers is not grand insights into human nature, but fun experiments with the basic conceit. The lament configuration is one of the greatest designs in horror to be sure, and yet somehow nobody has ever gone into detail about why it assumes so many shapes. I normally do NOT want a bunch of anal retentive rules and dry explanations added to my horror movies; I find that the less mysterious things are, the less emotionally effective they are. In this case, the coding of each of the box's configurations as representing a different human longing both honors the original lore, and adds complimentary flavors—and speaking of flavor, I'd love it if someone would realize my idea for a breakfast cereal with freeze-dried marshmallow configurations. But anyway, the love of design and its expressive capabilities is laced through the whole movie, from its inventive architecture, to its fabulous new cenobites. A lot of love went into crafting these things, and Jamie Clayton easily earns her place in the expanded scheme of things. Viewers who are too distracted by HELLRAISER '22's tangential references to the real-life horrors have my sympathy, because if you can watch around the corners of that issue, there is much to enjoy.

[scottymcgeesterwrites]

90′s kids are actually 00′s kids

Let’s be honest: there are only four things I really remember about the 90′s - Princess Diana, Monica Lewinsky, Seinfeld, and Pokémon. Everything else is a random mix of personal memories, like friends I made in school and the times I got seriously injured or sick. But the outside world was still a bit of a blur, waiting to be discovered. A few years ago, my fiancée and I went to NYC Comic Con. They had these mystery boxes that you could buy. Each mystery box had a different theme, so Star Trek, Star Wars, DragonBall Z, etc. You would pay like $50 or something like that for items inside the box related to that theme. We saw a 90′s theme mystery box and bought it. 

We opened it up, expecting to be excited about reliving the 90′s.  We didn’t recognize a single fucking thing in the box. 

No idea what any of that stuff was. 

My formative years were really the early ‘00′s. That’s when I was becoming a “person�� and when I developed my emotions, for better or for worse. 

For me, the real “nostalgia” is the GameCube, skinny jeans, drum and bass, Fatboy Slim, bad action movies with washed out colors trying to imitate The Matrix, Homestar Runner, Internet forums, and the final days of the true arcade. The early ‘00s were truly a weird, transitional and liminal space between two worlds. It was a world of twilight, where two ends met. It saw the decline in physical copies of movies and music and the rise of the digital age. It was the final goodbye to the analog world. It saw the rise of hacktivism, and the early days of social media was the Wild Wild West before the corporations brought the hammer down with rules and threats of copyright infringement. The new millennium was unsure of what it would become, but storm clouds loomed in the distance. The 90′s didn’t end on December 31st, 1999 at 11:59 PM; they ended on September 11th, 2001 at around 8:45 AM EST. That was when “the fun” stopped, and when we all had to rethink our lives.

I remember Craig Ferguson (my favorite late night host), and a bunch of underrated celebrities who we used to make fun of (or loathed) who have now been vindicated. Keanu Reeves. Britney Spears. Guy Fieri. Robert Downey Jr. Cara Cunningham. Everyone you loved back then turned out to be a monster, but everyone you took for granted was really a good person all along. I remember being mad at seeing open fields being taken over by cheaply-made, mass produced McMansions near my house. I vandalized one of the construction sites. When I confided in someone about it, they called my cause petty and stupid. Two years later, the Great Recession started because of the housing bubble. I tried, in a brief violent moment, to fight back something I didn’t understand. It was inevitable.   I saw the world transition and the storm clouds roll in. I felt the paradigm shift. I saw the party end as millions of people looked up and said, “I have a bad feeling about this.” I overheard thousands of conversations from the stairwell late at night as my parents talked worriedly with their friends about the Iraq War and the Patriot Act. I remember the start of the Bourne movies. In a way, they were a response to the Bond movies. James Bond was the 20th Century hero, the upholder of “Western civilization” and the status quo. Jason Bourne was the first of the 21st Century heroes - the hero who regretted and fought to change the status quo. I remember movies trying to make bold, serious takes on superheroes. Some succeeded, like Batman Begins and X-Men. Others failed, like Daredevil and Ghost Rider. Everyone wanted to be serious then. That, and so much more, is what I remember about my childhood - my real childhood. In my heart, I am a 00′s kid.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Bee Movie (2007)

You wouldn't think it but when Bee Movie was released, it was a big deal. The trailers featured Jerry Seinfeld in a bee costume bouncing around, making a fool out of himself. The man was dedicated to this movie. He proudly attached his name to this animated picture. Why?

Barry B. Benson (Seinfeld) isn’t content working in the hive and wanders outside, where he breaks the rule of “Never speak to humans”. There, he learns a horrifying fact from Vanessa Bloome (voiced Renee Zellweger): for hundreds of years, bees have been exploited by humans! Outraged, Barry decides to sue mankind.

I like this premise. It’s so outrageous it’s kind of genius. Let’s take the “talking animal” thing to 11. Not only can bees talk, but they can also take us to court! Too bad that’s not really what this movie is about. For the most part, Bee Movie is a run-of-the-mill animated film. Barry wants to be more than a bee. He makes a friend in the human world, encounters sleazy, one-dimensional villains, and learns a lesson before it's wrapped up nicely with a message we’ve seen a thousand times. This film should’ve been a parody of talking animal films and of legal thrillers. Instead, it bombards you with bee puns.

“Bee Larry King”, “BeeNN”, jokes about Winnie the Pooh and honey. These perfectly sum up the film's "quality" of humor. I know children aren’t really capable of scrutinizing any film that moves quickly, but there’s nothing here for anyone. I found my mind wandering, entertained only by stupid questions. If there’s a Bee Larry King, and a BeJesus, does that mean there’s a bee equivalent for every human? Where was Abeeham Lincoln to free the bees from the bonds of slavery? Did Mahatma Gan-bee get squashed before he could speak to mankind? Does Barry B. Benson sound and act exactly like Jer-bee Seinfeld? Are they long-lost twin brothers? Why is Ray Liotta in this film? Are he and Jerry Seinfeld that good of friends he decided to sign on and play himself? Will your children find it funny that he does?

Bee Movie came out the same year as Ratatouille and Shrek the 3rd. It looks like a grocery store commercial next to those. The humans have that post-Toy Story, pre-Monsters, Inc. look where people are supposed to look cartoonish but instead look like nightmares. The insects are just as disappointing. Barry isn't really a bee, he’s just a little flying man. The filmmakers didn’t want to challenge themselves with a protagonist with more than 4 limbs or by conveying emotion using a face that didn’t have a mouth or nose. “Who cares? This movie’s for kids! They’re not picky!”

The good news is that Bee Movie is often so bad, it becomes funny. If you know a lot of bad insect and bee puns, you'll have a blast chiming in, making jokes at its expense. I'm telling you now so you can go in prepared. Unfortunately, I was too surprised at the film's "plain bread with a glass of water" blandness to join in on the fun.

Bee Movie is the kind of film that blows your mind because you remember seeing it and liking it a decade ago. I had a good joke about it being “the bees of time and the wasps of times” but I don’t care enough to find a home for it here. I will when I revisit the film though and then, it'll be as sweet an experience as honey. (November 18, 2016)

[according-to-the-laura]

StackedNatural Day 18: 5x05, 6x03, 9x01, 15x14

StackedNatural Masterpost: [x]

October 8, 2021

5x05: Fallen Idols

Written by: Julie Siege

Directed by: James L. Conway

Original air date: October 8, 2009

Plot Synopsis:

Sam and Dean head to a small town where people are murdered by famous dead icons. However the brothers come to a dead end when two teenagers reveal they saw Paris Hilton kidnap their friend.

Features:

James Dean, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, wax museums, Dean Winchester’s daddy issues, murdering Paris Hilton with an axe.

My Thoughts:

Another fast and dirty one folks, let’s get going.

I never thought before about what whiplash it is to go from The End into this episode. Honestly I thought I was going to find this episode annoying but it was really fun! Dean is such a nerd about James Dean and there are so many big relatable sibling energy moments that made me laugh out loud.

You gotta love the opening when there’s a very serious emotional moment going on with the brothers and then in big letters it says ‘GUEST STARRING PARIS HILTON’. In what other show do you get this?

It is funny to watch them being like “we have to break the cycle! We can’t keep going like this!’ when yesterday we watched them have the same conversation from six seasons later.

It is increasingly clear that none of these writers understand teenage girls even at all - how they dress, how they talk, who they care about. I was a teenager in 2010 and I literally only knew Paris Hilton’s name, not anything else about her.

I completely forgot about the Dean’s daddy issues being exposed and it ruled (and then he wore the jacket right after!). In the version of this episode that exists in my head it is exactly the same but Dean gets to kill the monster while it wears John’s face.

Notable/Kickass Lines:

“I really want this to be a fresh start, you know? For the both of us.”

“Four score and seven years ago, I had a funny hat.

“Is that Gandhi? Dude, he's squirrelly.”

“Poor little Dean. All you ever wanted was to be loved by your idol. One distant father figure, coming right up.”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 8.6

IMdB Rating: 8.1

6x03: The Third Man

Written by: Ben Edlund

Directed by: Robert Singer

Original air date: October 8, 2010

Plot Synopsis:

When three policemen are struck down by the plagues of Moses, the brothers investigate, calling upon Castiel. He reluctantly appears, explaining that the murders are caused by the Staff of Moses and that there's a civil war in Heaven.

Features:

Sam thirst trap, the plagues said ACAB, my best friend Cas is back, the staff of Moses, civil war in heaven, Balthazar, what souls are worth.

My Thoughts:

This episode sets up so much of the rest of the season and it does a really good job! On the other hand, really gross to watch while you eat dinner!

That one cop is a Jerry Seinfeld knockoff.

While we were watching the scene where Sam is paying the hooker, my brother-in-law said “these writers think that the only way a man could possibly satisfy a woman is if he was soulless”.

We’ve all been so busy paying attention to all the classic lines in this episode that I never even noticed the look of literal awe on Dean’s face when Cas answers his prayers. We are only in season 6! But he is in love!

I screamed out loud, “THERE’S MY BEST FRIEND” when Cas turned up on screen, so yes I’m doing fine thanks for asking.

Cas is so bitchy in this episode and I love it but it does make me sad knowing that it’s mostly out of guilt because so much of the man who would be king stuff is already happening. I love you Cas.

Also, they make such good use of his wings in this episode and I’m so sad they don’t do fast tracking shots with him zipping around more often. It’s so cool! Why wouldn’t you?? Every other shot choice is weird because Singer, but the Cas flying shots rule.

@meg3point0 pointed out that this episode is super stressful from Dean’s perspective because Cas is acting so weird what with the child torture, and Sam has been so weird because of the soul, so he came back to hunting and everyone and everything was different and he doesn’t understand why.

There are probably a million more insightful things to say about this episode but I’m tired and I still have to write two more chunks, haha.

Notable/Kickass Lines:

“Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn’t gonna mention it.”

“Sam, Dean, my "people skills" are "rusty." Pardon me, but I have spent the last "year" as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent.”

“When a claim is made on a living soul, it leaves a mark, a brand.”

“This morning I had a ménage à -- what's French for 12?”

“The footsteps I'm following -- they're yours. What you did, stopping the big plan, the prize fight? You did more than rebel. You tore up the whole script and burned the pages for all of us. It's a new era. No rules, no destiny. Just utter and complete freedom.”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 9.4

IMdB Rating: 8.2

9x01: I Think I'm Gonna Like it Here

Written by: Jeremy Carver

Directed by: John F. Showalter

Original air date: October 8, 2013

Plot Synopsis:

Sam is dying. Dean asks for help from the angels. Castiel tries to adjust to being human as the angels come after him.

Features:

Fallen angels, dying Sam’s mind-palace/forest, tractor angel, the king of hell in a trunk, Hael built the Grand Canyon.

My Thoughts:

This pre-ep montage…. It’s good shit.

Watching Dean pray in the chapel after literally just watching him pray so jokingly to Cas in The Third Man…. this is what Stacked is about. Good shit.

Also, that prayer scene coming right after Dean says “God has nothing to do with the equation” - but Cas does, Cas could fix this, he believes in him so much!

I like when angels go batshit and feral and fight each other like crazy animals. Their dad is gone and they don’t know what to do! God is an absent father is John Winchester is God! And Cas is still out here trying to teach them free will even after everything that happened in the Godstiel arc. I love him sooo much.

Hael is great accidental foreshadowing to the Casifer arc (which I actually haven’t seen yet, oops). I was going to write that she has the best halo shot in the series but that would be too disrespectful to Cas’ halo shots from The End and On the Head of a Pin.

Jackles plays desperate so well - you just know he understands how much of Dean’s identity is based around Sam when he says “there ain’t no you if there ain’t no me”. And then we’re followed by the laundry scene, where Cas has to give up his identity to survive. There could be a lesson in there somehow, if Supernatural was a more cohesive show.

WOW I was done writing this and then I remembered Bobby saying he’d be waiting for Sam in heaven with a couple of cold ones and @meg3point0 and I made horrified eye contact about the finale.

Notable/Kickass Lines:

“Cas, are you there? Sammy's hurt. He's hurt, uh – he's hurt pretty bad. And, um... I know you think that I'm pissed at you, okay? But I don't care that the angels fell. So whatever you did or didn't do, it doesn't matter, okay? We'll work it out. Please, man, I need you here.”

“Excuse me. Are you dead? Because I am.”

“I got the King of Hell in my trunk.”

“There it is. Everything inside you need to help you on your way. Go on, son. I'll be waiting for you with a couple of cold ones.”

“If I go with you... can you promise that this time it will be final? That if I'm dead, I stay dead. Nobody can reverse it, nobody can deal it away... and nobody else can get hurt because of me.”

“You got to let me help. There ain't no me if there ain't no you.”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 9.0

IMdB Rating: 8.7

15x14: Last Holiday

Written by: Jeremy Adams

Directed by: Eduardo Sánchez

Original air date: October 8, 2020

Plot Synopsis:

Dean and Sam discover a wood nymph living in the bunker who is determined to protect her "family", at any cost.

Features:

Jack! Finally Jack!, Mrs. Butters, torture for the purpose of indoctrination, Dean and Jack finally talk it out, interdimensional geoscope, Jack’s birthday.

My Thoughts:

Here’s a re-enactment of what happened while watching this episode:

Jack: appears on screen

Me: begins weeping spontaneously

Can you blame me? Jack is my baby boy! My beloved! My son!

Cas had to be written out of this episode because if he saw Dean make a birthday cake for Jack he would’ve been taken by the Empty instantly.

Dean is so domestic. He likes to cook! He wears an apron! He’s bad at fixing the bunker and he wears Scooby Doo underwear!

Me and @weedsinavacantlot always joke about the bad one-off episode actors being because they ran through all the good ones in Vancouver, but the actress playing Mrs. Butters is good because you can count on your fingers the number of women over 30 that had significant roles in this show.

Can’t believe that this episode took us to the dungeon and showed us how easy it is for them to kill vampires. Untenable.

I know what I said before about Cas but if he was in this episode it would have gotten a perfect score.

Notable/Kickass Lines:

“Ignoring your trauma doesn’t make you healthy.”

“Enjoy the world you’re fighting for!”

“The only family I’ve ever really had is Sam, Dean, Cas, and uh…Mary.”

“Life gives us second chances."

“Do you still think I’m a monster?”

“Jack’s not a monster. Jack is a kid. A-A kid who – who’s gone from one tragedy in his life to another!”

Laura’s (completely subjective) Episode Rating: 9.5

IMdB Rating: 8.7

In Conclusion: First day of 4 episodes and they all slapped! If only I didn’t have to work until 6:30 and didn't end up writing these posts at 11pm.

<< Previous Day | Next Day >>

[omegawolverine]

i csnt think of anything 2 talk abt but ur creepypasta postz have me brainrotting;;;;; spare some headcanonz bestie??? 🙏🙏 any character ;P /nf

yuhhh lets fuckn goooo (sry this isnt much, my wrist is fucking killing me and i dont wanna make it worse)

laughing jack:

-dumb nonbinary clown, he/they/fun/pop/pierrot pronouns

-mans is like. 6'11", maybe taller idk. big big dude

-big fan of babymetal, drives everyone in the mansion fucking crazy by playing them All The Time

-kpop fan. does the likey choreo while sleep walking. jeff has decked them in the face on numerous occasions bc he was startled by jack doing this

-has parasocial beef with pennywise the dancing clown bc "i could do his job better"

slenderman:

-gay ace single dad who keeps his kids on leashes (theyre his tentacles) when they go to their local monster grocery store

-hello 8ft+ king. hits his head on door frames even tho the mansion is supposed to be scaled to twice his size at least

-gender has not been unlocked but he'll take any pronouns or gendered terms, could not care less, literally has zero preference

-has made a chore chart for everyone in the mansion but the only ones who stick to it are toby (needs schedule or he will die), eyeless jack (former college student who knows how to Adult), sally (likes helping) and jane (not an asshole, despite her reputation)

-really into bad sitcoms, it fills everyone in the mansion with rage. stop watching seinfeld peepaw.

clockwork:

-certified friend kisser, loves giving the homies a lil smooch

-she/tick trans girl, isnt huge on labeling her sexuality but will call herself queer when people ask

-can play a handful of instruments (violin, piano, guitar, maybe smth else idk) but is really into electric guitar

-the worst at makeup but that wont stop tick from putting on the shittiest eyeliner and getting hyped by half the goddamn house

-collects pokemon cards like a youtuber who has something to prove by spending millions on a kids game

[mindctrlaltdel]

Random Reviews: Mulholland Drive

This movie is BASIC INSTINCT, written and directed by Salvador Dali.

***

Recently, I watched MULHOLLAND DRIVE for the first time for my friend Shawn Eastridge's podcast, MISSING FRAMES (www.thenerdparty.com/missingframes/episode-103-mulholland-drive).

As I watched this odd, funny, disturbing, interesting flick, I took the following notes. Is it, as some critics say, the BEST FILM OF THE 21ST CENTURY? Here's an inside look at my viewing experience as I mulled over MULHOLLAND DRIVE...

[PRESS PLAY]

I love how the first five minutes is basically a bad late 90's Gap commercial, all swing dancing, no point...

The Mulholland Drive sign is calling to us. The street, Mulholland Drive, is Bali Hai for perverts.

Justin Theroux gets top billing over Naomi Watts??

I gotta admit, I saw one of the movie's original posters and thought "Naomi Watts AND the lady from the first MEN IN BLACK is in this? It's the triumphant return of Linda Fiorentino." When I DIDN'T see her name in the opening credits, I was disappointed. She's NO Linda Fiorentino... for this role, she's even better. AND she's a countess (seriously, look it up). Oh, and Robert Forster shows up for 10 minutes.

Not-Linda Fiorentino has some hustle in her for someone who just survived a horrible head on collision.

I like how the street signs kind of tell us where we are and what kind of world we're in. It's like a surreal, dramatic version of that Californians SNL sketch.

You mean to tell me that the red-headed older woman didn't see not-Linda Fiorentino under her kitchen table? UnbeLIEVable.

Holy crap, the wide-eyed guy in Winky's - he plays Jimmy Barrett, the comedian in MAD MEN... and MAD MEN is an interesting connection here, because everyone talks in this measured, paced deliberate way throughout that series, kind of similar to how the characters usually speak in the David Lynch productions I've seen... When I started watching MAD MEN, I thought the actors were purposely directed to speak that way, so everything to seem more "real" as opposed to that fast-talking, old-Hollywood style that you'd expect to see from outspoken, big idea-types. I imagined that Matt Weiner wanted people to seem - at least to modern audiences - the way people actually were - particularly, the inhabitants of the intelligent and cerebral world of ad men, working behind the scenes, on the fringes of show business. But then Jimmy Barrett, an old-timey comedian ALSO spoke that way. And it just didn't seem authentic to me. Anyway, back to THIS movie...

OH and that dingy woman behind the dumpster! She's like if Captain Howdy moved out West and got all LA on us. Is that Cloris Leachman covered in mud? And the music... for some reason, there's nothing scarier than the sound of an HVAC vent on full blast. (According to this article, www.vulture.com/2014/10/mulholland-drives-evil-hobo-breaks-her-silencio.html,the actress who played Evil Hobo #1 said of her audition process: "I don’t mean to brag, but David Lynch said he was looking for the most incredible face he could find. I actually met him at a Twin Peaks party, and he was like, 'Look at that face!'")

I love the X-Files-style synth strings that play over Naomi Watts (Betty) and gram-gram (Irene) as they walk through the hotel, I mean the airport... Aw, these two old people love Betty. What a different life she's living than that countess who's not Linda Fiorentino who's squatting in that redhead's apartment that Betty's about to move into.

Even then, Naomi had a good American accent. (Although I learned she's technically British but split her time between England and Australia), those Australians are great at spitting out neutral American sounds. But once I learned that Betty is supposed to be Canadian, I was very disappointed. It's not THAT authentic. Where are her "Aboots"? And she didn't put maple syrup on anything in this whole movie.

Oh my God, are Irene and her husband, riding in this towncar, ALSO going to get held up, like not-Linda Fiorentino at the beginning of the movie? Oh okay, they're not. We just followed them for no reason other than to see that they look happier than an old couple in a Cialis commercial. I guess meeting Betty really improved their sex life or something.

Coco - of course she's a fading hollywood starlet... AHHH, Coco is played by Ann Miller - good for her. She's basically that kooky old landlady from SEINFELD, the one who worked with the Three Stooges that Kramer met when he went to LA. Look at all these connections!

"Prize-fighting kangaroo who shits all over the courtyard" - do you think Naomi Watts is going to come out and say, "as an Australian, I was actually offended by this line, but I was scared into silence by that power-hungry monster, David Lynch."

The countess - who now goes by "Rita" - does kind of look like Rita Hayworth. I like the connections to old Hollywood and to noirs and how it's all wrapped together. Rita Hayworth is also a redhead, like Betty's aunt. She's of Spanish descent as well... and the actress playing Rita in this movie is of Mexican descent... Connections, connections.

I love that this casting session is basically run by a deep state shadow organization with a weird waiter in a red blazer... This is how Disney cast WandaVision.

HAHAHAH "That is one of the finest espressos in the world sir!" - this is DEFINITELY how Disney casts their movies. And Justin Theroux is the only man with integrity in this room! Does anyone have any class in this town!? They don't even validate his parking.

This is my favorite movie about making movies since BOWFINGER. And I may not be lying. And somehow less weird than THE ARTIST.

Is everyone gonna start killing each other over Ed's famous black book? This is oddly funny.

"Something bit me bad!" This incredibly long fight scene between the blond guy and secretary... it reminds me of the Uma Thurman/Daryl Hannah trailer fight in KILL BILL VOL. 2 but with less snakes.

These closeups of lingering looks on Rita's cash-filled purse are great... She's pulling wads of cash out of that purse one at a time, like Leslie Nielsen pulling eggs out of that blond lady in AIRPLANE!

I want to know what direction David Lynch gave that braless woman who's following the blond assassin around. It's like she's doing an acting exercise... like you know, when you're told to fill the space... "walk around the room, and clear your head. And now you're walking really fast. And now you're slow. NOW, imagine what it would be like to walk with your nose as the furthest point in front of you. Lead with your nose..." And David Lynch did that and told the braless woman to lead with her chest.

Justin Theroux is basically Robert Downey Jr.'s character from BOWFINGER, except NOW, he's the protagonist.

Betty is loving Rita's amnesia a bit too much. If this were my life, Rita would be the most interesting thing to happen to me too. Hell, if I was from Ontario, getting off at LAX would rock my world.

When Justin Theroux enters his glass-walled home to find his wife with another man, well... Justin Theroux may never star in something like HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN, but I can definitely picture him in YUPPIE WITH A GOLF CLUB.

That slinky theme song playing in Justin Theroux's/Laraine's house is a song that I actually listen to in my tiki, lounge playlist - to give you a hint of my music tastes. What I listen to for fun, Billy Ray Cyrus puts on to drown out his love-making.

By the way, BILLY RAY CYRUS!!! WHAT? Is this how Miley was conceived??? I think yes.

Pink paint in a jewelry box! This is much better than the usual throwing-all-his-belongings-out-a-second-story-apartment-window-scene that happens in every other movie.

I wouldn't be THAT excited if I learned MY name was Diane Selwin. BUT the sexxxual tension with the waitress Diane at the diner is palpable!

So, not-Linda Fiorentino has amnesia. How does she know that answering machine is NOT her voice!?

Justin Theroux/Adam Kesher's wife is very aggressive with the large man who's so dedicated to finding Adam Kesher that he keeps calling Adam's name in vain like the secretary in my doctor's office.

I watched this movie in pieces, the first half late at night. The second half the next morning. In between, while sleeping, I had a dream where Betty and Rita were looking over a map and any time one of their hands brushed over another, their hands would turn gold. As if this was a stylistic choice made by the filmmaker directing my dream to show that there's some kind of deeper relationship between these two women. So I've started dreaming in Lynch.

I like how this film is so utterly connected to not only Lynch's subconscious, but the audience's as well. Lynch is TAPPED IN. I don't always love when a film goes all in with a surreal style, because sometimes that's just a cover for something lacking in the storytelling department. But I do feel there's more to it here, in MULHOLLAND DRIVE.

The hooded woman, Louise... I feel like I've run into her on the streets of New York. A Louise will ALWAYS find a way to give you a portent of doom that ruins your day. Friggin’ Louise.

This movie is so moody, you really have to be in the mood to watch it.

There's something magical and prophetic about the cowboy, like he's the seer that the old general sees on the eve of battle... Also, I love how the lead female role in Justin Theroux's movie is his sword of destiny. There's a glitz and gleam and nostalgia to Old Hollywood that naturally gives this movie, set in "modern" Hollywood," a total fantasy vibe.

Hahaha that "You're still here?" scene rehearsal between Betty and Rita is an excellent transition.

James Karen - the real estate guy from POLTERGEIST - is handling casting! "He moved the headshots but he didn't cast the bodies!!"

The casting direction: "Don't play it for real until it gets real." It's interesting how the characters, who work in the "business," seem to control their reality. Betty seems unsure of where the scene is going, then she gets into it. And it really speaks to her conversion from a bright-eyed new arrival to someone who surrenders to the darker impulses of the city.

HEAVY BREATHING.

Ugh friggin' Bob...

I love how Lynnie, the casting director, pulls the rug out from under that scene. There's always a jaded casting person who totally wrecks any good feelings about every audition. It's a thing.

David Lynch uses nostalgia and a latent love for Hollywood to draw the characters (and us) into his world and then subverts our expectations. A lot.

Why is the screen test just a lip-synching contest? ...I think it feeds into the nostalgia element for the movie at large but it seems like a waste of studio resources here. Early-aughties Hollywood spending, amirite?

Rita's reaction to finding the body is played very much like the reaction a character would have in an older film... The horror! The fear! The silent gaping terror while possessed with the inability to scream. I was watching the original KING KONG before this (which is may be a sign from the universe that I had to watch this Naomi Watts vehicle, as she starred in the remake), and specifically remember the scene where the director Carl Denham is coaching Ann Darrow/Fay Wray on how to act in a horror film - "now look up, and you see it, you see it in all its horror. And your jaw drops and you try to scream but you're so frozen in terror that you can't!" - I imagine that's what Lynch is doing to not-Linda Fiorentino off-camera as they filmed this scene.

Uh-oh, Rita is single-white femal'ing Betty now... She doesn't have a personality of her own, so she's going to take Betty's.... And now we're just getting NUDE with each other. This erotic thriller immediately turned from skintillating to Skinemax.

"I'm in love with you" - is Betty just saying that to convince herself? It feels more lusty than real. Betty's so bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Rita is gonna chew her up and spit her out!

I like the shot when they're sleeping together and, as they rest, their faces overlap thanks to the perspective of the framing. How much of the same person are they becoming? Where does one personality start and the other end?

The weird 2am theater. How'd Rita and Betty find this place? I love how this pop-up slam-poetry reading in this opera house is as terrifying to Rita and Betty as finding the dead body.

So Betty starts convulsing in her seat and then the poet disappears in a kind of old-style, cinematic I'm disappearing effect. I dig it.

Wait... is this a mysterious, magical show that just appears in LA, like Hamunaptra, the City of the Dead, that town in THE MUMMY that only shows up at sunrise on the third day or something like that? Or is this just a poorly attended Spanish-language talent show that could only afford to book this theater at 2am on a Thursday?

I love that Betty and Rita are tearing up over Rebekah Del Rio's performance (Rebekah Del Rio is a real person, by the way). Then, Rebekah faints as her voice keeps singing - is NOTHING real? Has Betty totally given into this weird world to the point that she doesn't really know what's authentic and what's fake anymore OR was Betty fake before she got to LA so it was easy for her to get acclimated.

This movie is like THE MATRIX, from the perspective of characters who only took the blue pill and didn't look back.

OOOH, Betty has the box and Rita has the key! But the box is empty except maybe its the Gom Jabbar pain-box from DUNE. Is David Lynch using MULHOLLAND DRIVE as an excuse to make good on his promise to produce a good version of DUNE.

WAIT A SECOND, the cowboy knows the dead girl? Does this even matter?

Now, wait ANOTHER second. Is Betty performing or DREAMING when she's Diane or is something else going one??

What's the BLUE KEY doing there?

"Two Detectives"??? Is she talking about Betty and Rita OR Robert Forster and the pudgy guy? OR someone else entirely - the two guy's from Winky's???

The movie became more interesting the moment the perspective shifted to "Diane" and "Camilla." When that happened, Naomi Watts really amped up her performance... reaching a level of intensity we hadn't seen since Betty's audition... it does take 2 hours to reach that point.... But then, when Betty and Rita are topless on the couch, I couldn't tell who they were supposed to be until Rita/Camilla called her "Diane."

Wait, now Rita's acting?? OH, so Rita was an actress? And Diane wasn't? Or Betty looks exactly like Diane?

The weird shifts in focus. The sad masturbating. This is the most depressing soft-core ever made!

Did Betty get killed and have amnesia too?

They take a shortcut to Eddie's house which looks EXACTLY like where Rita/Camilla was taken at the beginning of the movie by the hitmen in the towncar before that wild accident with those teenagers made her life weirder... OR less weird. You be the judge.

IS this a flashback or the future. Eddie and Camilla are having an affair?

MY MOTHER? COCO - what's real and what isn't????

The jitterbug competition.... Diane/Naomi wanted the lead so bad, Camilla got the part but in Mulholland Drive, Naomi is the star.

Then, Camilla is kissing that other blond actress who Betty watched screen test...

MULHOLLAND DRIVE is just David Lynch telling us that LA is a place for lust and jealousy and no matter what, purity gets ruined.

WHAT, the blond waitress is BETTY? And Diane hires the blond guy, who's officially labeled as a hitman.

Diane is also from Canada...

Are Diane and Betty just different versions of the same people in nearby parallel universes? I certainly HOPE so. This is too much insanity for ONE universe to handle.

The blue key will be found where the blond guy told Diane. Okay, that makes sense. But if this were to mirror real life, the key was in her hand the WHOLE time!

OH, and hobo-Cloris Leachman comes back... AND she's holding the blue box/Gom Jabbar... WHY the hell did those two old people wander out of that paper bag??? Do they represent longstanding guilt? Seems like it. Because they've just crept into Diane's apartment.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE is almost silly to the point of pretentiousness at points - at least with the last word to be uttered on screen - "silencio." That said, it does evoke the HAMLET line: "And the rest is silence," so THAT's poetic.

Sadly, Robert Forster was barely in this movie...

Oh, and Lee Grant played Louise - the old-Hollywood connections keep coming!

I can't believe this movie was intended to be a pilot?

***

Now, some final notes:

On the swapping of characters and relationships in the last 30 minutes -- my first thought was that Betty/Diane and Rita/Camilla look similar and/or they're connected by a parallel universe, and the diner is like the central hub between worlds, and hobo-Cloris Leachman is the gatekeeper between the two worlds... I buy the "dream world" explanation that some critics espouse, that's something I considered myself as I watched. But I'm not sure I believed Betty is Diane's dream version of herself. Also, I think David Lynch has a feeling about how everything fits together, yet I don't know if he's even settled on an explanation for everything. He just trusted his subconscious and he's so confident in his latent abilities, that we trust him to show us everything we need to see and take us everywhere we need to go.

I enjoy how it's a surrealist answer to SUNSET BOULEVARD. I hope in 2050, someone makes "The 405" really tying all these movies and Los Angeles roads together.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE is weird but good. Still, I don't know if, to me, it's more weird than good. It's also funny. But is it funny because it's weird or because it's actually, genuinely funny? Are these questions David Lynch actually wants me to ask or does he make it weird on impulse to cover for the fact that the film is simply just weird and based entirely on impulse? MULHOLLAND DRIVE is almost like a parody of a film noir, made by an inter-dimensional alien life-form who studied a bunch of movies from the 40's through the 90's but doesn't have a full grasp on human behavior, and DESPITE THAT, it's more of an emotional experience than a logical one. It's somewhere in between. It's self-indulgent in a way but also very giving. It's a paradox wrapped in an oxymoron wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a coffee-stained napkin covered in cigarette ash locked in a small, blue box.

***

Summing it up: I don't think there's a world where this movie would get a perfect score from me. Because ultimately, for all it's interesting and exciting moments, it's more of a passion project for David Lynch than a piece of entertainment for the audience, no matter how entertaining it may be. To me, it's a vision board more than it is a complete film. And yet, it IS a complete EXPERIENCE. And there's nothing wrong with that.

All of that said, I know David Lynch doesn't really like to give viewers a clear cut, traditional narrative. So, I had a feeling the mystery was just that, a mystery. Or even moreso, the FEELING of a mystery. It's not about where we're going, it's about the journey to the destination. And while the general atmosphere is moody and evocative and often powerful, MULHOLLAND DRIVE plays more like a 2.5 hour piece of music than a cohesive narrative. Maybe that's the best thing about it.

In the distant future, when our way of speaking has become as archaic as the words of Shakespeare are to us, it's the feeling and emotions and images of movies like MULHOLLAND DRIVE that will still have a timeless impact on the future audiences who view them.

[letterstothemidnightsociety]

It may be 2020 and the world is slowly crumbling around us but if global pandemics, a U.S. civil war election, and murder hornets and now rumors of Putin’s resignation(???) aren’t sensational enough, it’s time for Sweeps! And I’m still watching Supernatural to avoid all my problems because, well. That should be obvious. 

Cas is all of us.

OH! and there will be no discussion of the events of November 5 because guys, I’m still in season 1 right now, I’m not there yet. But yes, I KNOW. 

Ok, so before we talk about Sweeps, let’s take a moment to appreciate that at this point in my Supernatural journey, we’re in the back half of season one, and that’s a real miracle for any tv show to get this far. Or at least, it was at the time, when a show could be ordered for the first 13 episodes and then be on the hook for the rest, or Back 9. Supernatural was lucky in that it had been picked up for the full season after episode 4, so there was probably more time to prep that Back 9 than a Front 13/Back 9 show would have been. 

BUT that doesn’t mean the pressure isn’t on! Cuz we’ve hit the mid season, we’ve come back from Christmas break, and now it’s Sweeps!

Friendly reminder that TV’s here to make money folks, and Sweeps Week/Sweeps Month are (were??) vital to a season’s success or failure.

It’s Sweeps!

Alright, we’ll back track even further: TV networks and TV stations - the local centers that actually broadcast the shows in a given market - make money by selling ad time. They set the prices for that time by how many viewers are hypothetically watching at any given hour of the day. That’s where ratings come in, specifically Nielsen ratings. Nielsen Media Research, historically one of the most important media research firms out there, has been collecting audience data since the 30’s. They used to cold call households and to ask what each member of the household were listening to on the radio. When television came onto the scene, Nielsen started also collecting data on who was watching what. Ultimately, they dropped the cold calling in favor of diary keeping. Yes, they would actually send out diaries to a certain number of households in a given market, ask the residents to report every show they watched in a given week, and then four times a year, they’d “sweep” the country, collecting those diaries. These diaries would then impact the rate for ad time in each of those markets. Sweeps weeks happened four times a year - November, February, May, and July. And in fact, Sweeps Week is really more like Sweeps Month since it would take a month to deliver diaries to the households and then collect them again. Now, we can gather that data electronically (that is, faster), but Nielsen still tracks viewers for the whole month.

Actual Nielsen Diary which actually lists that someone actually watched a rerun of Seinfeld on TBS. Actually. 

So what does Sweeps mean to the people actually producing television? Basically, it means you have to have some real hot sh*t in November, February, May and July. You’ll know you’re in Sweeps when the news stories suddenly get...wild. You know the ones - Killer Hornets in Your Area! When Hugs Kill! Is Your Government Killing You?? Oh wait, that may just be 2020. 

For non-news outlets, Sweeps means saving your big episodes for strategic times of the year. You may notice, dear reader, that Sweeps lines up with some key tentpoles in a traditional television broadcast season. The end of November is usually midseason/winter finale time. Midseason finales are a big deal for many reasons, namely making sure you leave your viewers with a desperate desire to come back after the holiday break, but it’s also a good time for getting those big Sweeps numbers. You may also notice that sweeps # 3 is in May - that’s usually season finale time. February, Sweeps # 2, is right in between and July is just before the doldrums of summer. Honestly, July feels like a weird time to look at ratings, but that’s cuz I was raised on TV and it’s just an unwritten rule that there’s nothing good on in Summer.

Ok, I lied - I’m gonna talk about “Despair”, for just a second, I promise, minor spoilers ahead. This episode aired November 5 2020. That’s the final Sweeps period for 2020. And Sweeps may not mean anything to a show in its final season, specifically in this season, but it pulled out some big stops. Declarations of Love and Major Deaths? Yeah, those are two key staples for Sweeps, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence they weren’t pulling any punches in this episode. I know COVID delayed production, but even if they hadn’t restarted airing the season in October, this episode would have aired during May Sweeps. It’s also a series finale, so Sweeps isn’t the only consideration but it’s gotta be some consideration. 

So let’s look at episodes 13 - 16, our February Sweeps Month episodes for season 1. What do we have? 

Route 666 - Aired January 31, the beginning of February Sweeps

Here’s an episode that felt incredibly dated, but also incredibly relevant to today. The fact that Cassie has to fight with the mayor to prove that Black people are being specifically targeted felt a little Too Real Roy. They mayor even gets defensive that Cassie implies he might be racist because how can he be racist if he has Black friends? Does he say those words exactly? No. But that’s kind of the vibe you get off that conversation. I mean, I think I spent most of this episode making fun of a Racist Monster Truck that’s out there killing people, but honestly, slap a Confederate flag on that bitch and you’ve got any given rally or protest in America right now. I would almost consider this a Very Special Episode of Supernatural, where our brothers (and by extension us as the audience) learn about racism and the toll it takes on people of color, specifically Black Americans in the South. So there’s that.

But more importantly, for Sweeps week in 2006 anyway, was THE SEX. Not only does this episode comment on race in America, but Dean has a girlfriend and they totally bone. I mean, we’ve spent 12 episodes with just two dudes being dudes. Has there been flirting with random extras? Yes. Has there been any satisfying follow through? No. Because you save that for Sweeps. And it works. According to Wikipedia, “Route 666” had 5.82 million viewers the night it aired in America. The episode the week before, “Faith”, only had 3.86. That is almost 2 million more viewers who turned in to watch Jensen Ackles get tossed onto a bed with his shirt off.

Apparently this scene was a big deal because the network expressly told the producers not to have a lady on top and Supernatural just...did it anyway. Way to go, Supernatural, being progressive in all the right ways. Also, because I HAVE to say it, her name is CAS(sie).

Nightmare - Aired February 7

Next up is The One Where Sam’s ESP Comes Back! And boy was this rough. I mean, it’s nice and dark and also brings the show’s Mythology to the forefront, but it ends hella ambiguous. How Sweeps is it? Well, I imagine that the priests getup was included in the trailer as another Sweeps gimmick. 

And I can’t decide if including Beth Broderick, OG Aunt Zelda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, is a big enough guest star to be a draw? 

I can’t not see Aunt Zelda

This episode feels like the show is really digging in to its Horror roots again. There’s some gorey special effects. There’s also a lot of small moments in this episode that I really liked, good acting moments and good character moments. It builds in some conflict between the brothers that never really gets resolved, just sort of deflected and kicked down the road for later. Is this Sweeps material? Maybe? The numbers on this are lower than on the previous episode - only 4.27 million viewers, but it’s also not as eye catching as Dean getting tossed on a bed with his shirt off. 

The Benders - Aired February 14

I actually really like this episode, even though I forget this is even in season one. This one’s got a nice reversal of the formula for the show - for the first time we see that the monsters killing people are just...people. Or, as I said in my notes for this one - “they’re hicks! They’re just hicks, guys!” They’re not Supernatural at all. And I LOVE the Cop Buddy that Dean picks up. Jessica Steen as Officer Kathleen is SO A+, I would definitely watch a spinoff show of her life.

Dean, what IS this? What is this conversation?

But there’s not a whole lot of gimmick here, not a whole lot of flash. This is just a solid episode, but not a lot of audience grab. The key to that, I think, is in the air date - February 14. It’s possible they stuck this here because they did not expect a lot of viewers, and in fact, they only had 3.96 million viewers tune in that week. Still a good episode though.

Shadow - Aired February 28

And here’s our final episode for February Sweeps. We’re finally getting back to the main story arc. Not only do we see the return of Meg, our most prominent antagonist so far, but we also get the first reunion with John Winchester! I’d say this is a Sweeps episode that’s geared more towards season-long-fans than first time viewers. There’s a lot that happens - 1) Meg returns and reveals her cards as a Big Bad (Medium Bad?). 

Oof. That’s...that’s SOME dialogue, guys.

2) John shows up and tells the boys that he knows what killed their mother (and also Jessica). 

Ugh. Can we talk about this scene and how John just like, tosses out a whole bunch of information in the douchiest expo dump I’ve seen in a while?

3) John shows up. 

These are moments that viewers who have been following along have been waiting for. There’s weight to the scene where Sam and John talk to each other for the first time in years - you feel the tension, you feel the fight that broke them apart, but you also feel the regret, the fact that both of them wish they could take back that fight even though they meant every word of it. It’s good pay off for the hours we’ve spent watching up til now. Of course, Dean deciding the team needs to split up again at the end feels like a real slap in the face. I’m pretty sure I felt it the first time, but definitely this time - John showing up feels more like a tease to keep us interested than any actual development to the show and it makes me feel like I’ve been tricked as an audience member. It feels like they only had Jeffrey Dean Morgan for, like, one day on set. I didn’t think his turn on Grey’s Anatomy was THAT big of a deal, but maybe it was? Maybe he was super busy? Or maybe the show just be like that. But the numbers are good - 4.22 million, a little up from the previous week. Not Dean Bones numbers, but not bad either. 

Here’s the thing about sweeps guys - 15 years later and they’re kind of...irrelevant. TV still makes money on ads, sure, and there are probably more lucrative times of the year than others - Summer is still kind of the doldrums of programming - but even broadcast networks don’t run the same way that they used to. As early as 2014, the networks were doing their best to compete with streaming services and on-demand viewing by offering new content all year round, not just during key months. Broadcast networks might still program around Sweeps but that’s not needed now. And Nielsen ratings have been under scrutiny for years, thanks to TiVo. TiVo, guys, not even online streaming. When an audience is not tied to specific time frames, how do you really measure the true number of viewers? Nielsen’s methods of counting viewers hasn’t exactly kept up with the way we binge and watch when we feel like it. As late as 2018, Nielsen was still relying on paper diaries, despite the fact that they’d been using more accurate and up to date electronic methods since 2005. And again, with year-round programming, it isn’t necessary to focus on a specific times of the year. 

In terms of business models, I think it’s also important to remember that when we’re not watching broadcast TV, we don’t mind paying directly for our new means of viewing. That’s how cable works, that’s how streaming works. I’ve been paying for Netflix through multiple price hikes and haven’t blinked an eye. I joined Disney+ early enough that I paid for a three year subscription. My parents are cable TV cord-cutters and they’re perfectly happy with a combination of Hulu+ and Roku. 

But a lot of TV still does rely on ad time to make a profit. And for those shows, it’s even more important to use measurement methods that encompass accurate viewership numbers. I don’t see a future where Networks use a cable station model (based on subscription fees) rather than on ad dollars. However, I can see a future where Networks do away with Sweeps.  Instead, they’ll just offer up that batsh*t sensational content all year round. 

[thisyearingaming]

1997 - This Year in Gaming

Muggins here was born in ‘97, and can’t really remember much of it, natch. But there were some good things released this year - I’ve played every one of these, and have missed so many more.

Diablo - Windows, January 3rd

We start with dungeon-crawl-em-up and well-loved out of season April Fool’s Joke, Diablo. I’ll be totally honest - I don’t like Diablo that much. It’s absolutely fine, I just can’t get into it. The writing, setting and characters are all very good especially since this year only marks the beginning of games being seen as a bit more adult and intelligent. Check out this gameplay from Hour of Oblivion on YouTube, and marvel at the faux-Scottish accent on Griswold the blacksmith.

Mario Kart 64 - Nintendo 64, February 10th

Compared to its more recent versions, Mario Kart 64 is a veritable bloody relic of the past - solid controls and a quirky style mean it’s still a crowd pleaser to this day, but you’d be hard pressed to find anyone right now that would die on the hill of it being their favourite single-player racing experience. It’s also got some of the deepest, impenetrable lore in any medium known to the human race - why exactly is Marty the Thwomp locked up here?

Blast Corps - Nintendo 64, February 28th

February’s position as most boring month of the year is shaken up a bit by having a uniquely designed Rare game slammed into its 28-day long face. Blast Corps is the puzzle-action game where you take control of several vehicles to destroy homes and buildings in order to prevent a nuclear warhead exploding in the coolest incarnation of Cold War politicking ever seen in a video game. Calling Blast Corps a “hidden gem” these days is like calling Celeste a hidden gem - it impresses nobody and makes you look like a dick. 

Turok: Dinosaur Hunter - Nintendo 64, March 4th 

The N64 was home to a surprisingly large number of above-average shooters despite its muddy graphics and small cartridge space - Turok is one of these, a great FPS game where you shoot the SHIT out of dinosaurs. Brett Atwood of Billboard said it was like Doom and Tomb Raider mixed - Doom Raider, if you will. I say it isn’t - there’s no demons, and there’s no polygonal breasts to poke dinosaurs’ eyes out with! 

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night - Sony PlayStation, March 20th

What is a retrospective? A miserable little pile of opinions. I’ve only recently played through SotN for the very first time on a TOTALLY LEGITIMATE copy with a CRT filter. Bloody good (geddit?) game, that takes the repetition of its predecessors, improves on it in basically every conceivable way, and combines it with special effects and graphics that even 23 years later had me going “ooh, that looks quite good!” Symphony’s music and audio design are wonderfully paired with a deeply enjoyable experience that’ll have you saying “mm, maybe just one more room?”

Tekken 3 - Sony PlayStation, March 20th

Also releasing from the Land of the Rising Sun that day was Tekken 3, which many believe is still one of the best fighters ever made. Tekken 3′s combat is so fast and responsive that it’s better than some games made today. T3 is also the best and easiest way to knock seven shades of absolute shite out of your friends without risking a massive head injury or a trip to the headmaster’s office... where you could also challenge him, but only if he plays as my favourite Not-Guile-or-Ken character in gaming, Paul. 

Sonic Jam - Sega Saturn, June 20th

The moment Sega realised that re-packaging old Mega Drive games would net them serious cash - although unlike later collections, this is a strictly Sonic affair, and has a neat little 3D world to run around in as a sort of hub world. Sonic X-Treme proved that Sonic Team would have to work hard at getting the fastest thing alive into 3D space properly: Jam is the sort of test ground for it too. It features some genuinely good emulation work for 1997, although it’s basically the gaming equivalent of going round to your grandparents at Christmas only for them to give you the exact same gifts you got in 1991, 1992 and 1994 but wrapped in a bow to make you think it’s different. What are you lookin’ at, you little blue devil?

Star Fox 64 - Nintendo 64, June 30th

So there’s this German company, right, called StarVox. Nintendo look at Europe and say “shit, we don’t want another lawsuit... after all, we’ve done three this year!”. So they give us in the PAL region the exciting title of Lylat Wars which as far as I know means absolutely fucking nothing in the context of the game. They’re still called Star Fox in-game too so what was the point? Anyway, fun 3D shooter with graphics that’ll make you do a barrel roll off the sofa and onto the power button to make the brown and green blurs a little easier on the eyes. Hello 2007, I’ve come back to make old references with you!

Carmageddon - Windows, July 30th

The game so scary it was BANNED in the UK! More like the game so fucking shit it was banned. Carmageddon is so deeply boring to play on PC that I can only imagine that Stainless Games made it tasteless by 90s standards simply to ramp up demand - much like another game we’ll be covering soon. 

Herc’s Adventures - Sony PlayStation, July 31st

“And they said Kratos was the best hero? Shish... they got it wrong, sister! Hercules is clearly better... he even has a coconut weapon.” A surprisingly fun overhead action game that most people only know for... well, I’ll just embed it.

Mega Man X4 - Sony Playstation, August 1st

A few years ago I tried playing every Mega Man game there is - I gave up at X3 because I was getting bored. Even still, Mega Man bores me - but at least the level design is good. Stay away from the Windows port. Pictured: me in the background yawning.

GoldenEye 007 - Nintendo 64, August 25th 

The name’s Intro. Overused intro which I also managed to fuck up twice through the deeply editable medium of text. GoldenEye is like the Seinfeld of console shooters - playing it nowadays you’re unlikely to be amazed but holy shit there’s some absolute greatness in this game. Every sound and every piece of music in GoldenEye is permanently seared into my brain - sometimes I’ll just hear Facility or Frigate in my head alongside the door opening sound and the gentle PEW of the PP7. I mean come on, fucking listen to this and tell me Grant Kirkhope isn’t cool as all hell.

LEGO Island - Windows, September 26th

The first open world experience I ever had was LEGO Island. It’s still quite good today, utterly deranged animation from the likes of the Infomaniac and Brickster - a cautionary tale for children that giving pizza to high-profile criminals is disastrous for the human LEGO race. 

Fallout - Windows, October 10th

War never changes, but franchises do. Fallout’s legendary status in the industry is exemplified in how different it feels. Yes, we had the game Wasteland nine years prior, but until September 97 there was nothing quite like Fallout. From the chilling introduction sequence showing the ruins of the United States to the tragic ending, Fallout is an exercise in pure human misery with the brightest spots of hope it can possibly muster thrown in for good measure. What begins as a tedious isometric point-and-click RPG ends as a minigun-wielding power fantasy, before your entire worth is stripped from you at the finish line. You have 500 days to find a water chip before it’s too late, but you’re constantly being fought by terrifying Super Mutants, irradiated animals, and the biggest monster of all - humanity. See what I did there? If anything, humanity in Fallout’s setting would be the greatest unifying force possible against the horror of the outside world. But how is it? It’s dull, it’s sluggish, and it’s really hard to get into even if you’re already a fan - but push through that and it’s worthwhile to see exactly how far the series got before Todd Howard said “eh fuck it” and had the whole thing dipped into an FEV vat.

Grand Theft Auto - Sony PlayStation, October 21st

To put it simply, the first in the GTA series is now nothing but a novelty. It has an irritating camera, wonky controls, poor graphics and deeply repetitive gameplay. But thank fuck it exists, because without it the Rockstar story may have been very different indeed. It’s quintessential cops and robbers gameplay, spanning across Liberty City, Vice City and San Andreas in one game, but with maps so far removed from their modern incarnations they may as well be named “Not New York, Possibly Bristol and Orange Town”. People really fucking hated Hare Krishnas in the 20th Century, didn’t they?

Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back - Sony PlayStation, October 31

A hard one to talk about, honestly - it’s more Crash and better than the first one. It looks great, and Crash controls so well compared to his first outing. It’ll also keep you playing for 100%, fiendishly addictive and unashamedly difficult. Had a weird cover that moved with your head. 

PaRappa the Rapper - Sony PlayStation, November 17th

Type type type the words into the box! (Type, type, type - uh oh - the box?)

PaRappa is a gorgeously stylised rhythm game about rapping to steal the heart of the girl of your dreams - which involves learning karate, getting your driver’s license, selling bottle caps and frogs, making a cake, desperately trying not to shit yourself, and finally performing live on stage. Every one of its segments is so well-produced that they’d genuinely sell like ghost cookies in this era of shite rap. Notable for producing the greatest Jay-Z backing track ever made.

Sonic R - Sega Saturn, November 18th

Sonic R is absolutely FINE with vibrant textures, interesting levels, neat gimmicks and decent controls. But I’m gonna talk about its fucking AWESOME soundtrack by Richard Jacques and T.J. Davis, an eclectic mix of Europop and New Jack Swing - even thinking about it is bringing tears of absolute joy to my eyes hearing Super Sonic Racing in my head. You’ve got the main theme, Living in the City, Can You Feel the Sunshine, Back in Time, Diamond in the Sky, Work It Out and Number One - all of these are absolute club bangers and genuinely wouldn’t be out of place in a 90s disco. 

Tomb Raider II - Sony PlayStation, November 18th

Lara Croft returns to single-handedly endanger every species on Earth. TR2 is really good, the exploration and puzzle-solving aspects of the first game expanded upon here and the gunplay remaining just as punchy. Lara’s got a fully-functioning ponytail which absolutely boggles the fucking mind - a lot of work went into Lara’s hair for the 2013 reboot, so I can’t imagine the amount of man hours it took to get fluid(ish, come on, it’s the PS1 we’re talking about) hair movements in 1997. 

And really, that’s all I played from 1997. I’ve left out big hitters like Quake II, Gran Turismo and Diddy Kong Racing, but I simply haven’t formed an opinion on them yet. Maybe in a future post. 

Thanks for reading.

[jimpluff]

Again, I like and have many positive things to say about King of the Monsters. 

But, full honesty, if you think it’s better than Shin Godzilla, the odds of your being a drooling plebeian constitute a safe gamble. 

Yes, opinions are opinions, but if I’m being brutally honest, that is one filter I place on people. Much like those who preferred Friends to Seinfeld in the ‘90s, identifying anti-Shin people is (for me) an effective way of filtering out what I consider bad taste. 

[smilesthroughfandoms]

Every Single Star vs. the Forces of Evil episode in one sentence or less

I’ll probably post a more in depth-review later this week, as I have opinions literally no one wants to hear but I will proclaim anyway, and then I’ll probably also due a revision of my ‘Past Queens Connection to Star’ post from way back in season 2. Cause that needs an update.

Anyway, enjoy!

Star Comes to Earth: Princess Cinnamon Roll that Could Kill you comes to earth and meets Misunderstood Safe Kid.

Party With a Pony: Spoopy Wardens hunt for the glitter pony while Star gets ice for Marco’s sweaty back.

Matchmaker: In which we learn it was probably a bad idea to give Star the wand in the first place.

School Spirit: Star misunderstands football and Marco tries to get Ferguson to blow his whistle not in that way.

Monster Arm: “Not my bowels! I love my bowels!”

The Other Exchange Student: Star is jealous of the meatball man from Bakersfieldville.

Cheer Up Star: “It’s supposed to be ironic!”

Quest Buy: Very accurate depiction of what it is like to work in retail.

Diaz Family Vacation: Both Marco and Star see new sides of their dads but that’s not necessarily a good thing

Brittney’s Party: Star and Marco party on a bus that Ludo hijacks

Mewberty: Star gets horny and snares boys in her web but not in that way

Pixtopia: Marco messed up and Alfonso marries Ferguson’s rebound

Lobster Claws: “… You can’t eat children.” “Really? Not even the annoying ones?”

Sleep Spell: “Camera Phooone!”

Blood Moon Ball: We’re suppose to ship them now, right?

Fortune Cookies: Love is never the answer kids

Freeze Day: Father Time offers Star and Marco some mud before riding away on his wheel-mobile pulled by giant time-hamsters I am not making this up.

Royal Pain: King Santa Claus destroy mini-golf

St. Olga’s Reform School for Wayward Princesses: Princess Prison sure is a nightma–OH MY GOD ARE THOSE CLUBS?!

Mewnipendence Day: No wonder monsters hate Mewmans so much.

The Banagic Wand: Star still doesn’t get Earth and like all of us, Marco is always hungry.

Interdemensional Field Trip: Miss Skullnick fears the “Big Change” while Marco sends Jackie cat memes

Marco Grows a Beard: Ludo is out, Toffee is in, and Marco will probbaly be terrified of beards forever

Storm the Castle: “SURPRISE!”

My New Wand!: DIP DOOOWN

Ludo in the Wild: Wait, since when did Ludo become badass?

Mr. Candle Cares: “Star and I have recently become smooch buddies… On the lips.”

Red Belt: Marco searches for a meaning in life and Star searches for hammer.

Star on Wheels: *epic remix of Marco saying Star is in trouble*

Fetch: Marco can’t open juice and Star runs away from her problems and sending thank you cards

Star vs. Echo Creek: Star gets high and destroys a police car

Wand to Wand: Both Ludo and Star are terrible at magic also major ship tease

Starstruck: Star and her idol Sailor Super Saiyan destroy a park and Marco is 100002% done with this shit

Camping Trip: King Butterfly has a mid-life crisis and tries to control an eagle

Starsitting: They’re gonna be great parents some day.

On the Job: Buff Dad is best dad and buff babies are adorable

Goblin Dogs: “You might think this line is long, but listen to my goblin song!~”

By the Book: Ludo and Star still suck at magic and Glossaryck is a bigger troll than Alex Hirsch

Game of Flags: And I thought my family was dysfunctional...

Girls’ Day Out: Janna is back and is still awesome btw

Sleepover: “TRUTH! STAR HAS A CRUSH ON MA–” *cue fandom freakout*

Gift of the Card: R.I.P.  Rasticore Chaosus Disastorvayne… He couldn’ get his fucking chainsaw to work

Friendenemies: Star becomes one with Christmas tree while Tom and Marco go on a date and sing a romantic pop ballad.

Is Mystery: Meatfork is apparently a family name and Ludo is really starting to freak me out tbh

Hungry Larry: “He’s still hungry…”

Spider with a Top Hat: He tries and he is awesome and that’s all that matters

Into the Wand: SPAAAAADESS!!!

Pizza Thing: Marco is OCD about mushroom and Pony Head buys skinny jeans

Page Turner: Moon, how did you miss Toffee in the orb he was right there!

Naysaya: Marco is a mood in this episode

Bon Bon the Birthday Clown: Honestly my favorite episode overall

Raid the Cave: Glossaryck is the true neutral asshole.

Trickstar: Weird Al is a treasure and I’ll mes up anyone who makes Marco cry!

Baby: Aw, look at the little deadly baby, I love her!

Running With Scissors: Marco gets a new edition to his shipping harem and she is so cute!

Mathmagic: Why did the chicken cross the road?

The Bounce Lounge: Marco is definitely the mom friend.

Crystal Clear: The Chancellor guy is amazing and Rhombulus just needs a hug and wAS THAT ECLIPSA IN THE BACKGROUND?

The Hard Way: “SURPRISE!” 2.0

Heinous: Oh, so that’s how Marco got all that money.

All Belts Are Off: This is the negative side of “Pro-tag teen hangs out with older adult figure” trope done splendidly

Collateral Damage: Marco how do you not know what a possum is?

Just Friends: I’m fine! *blows up sign to prove just how fine I am*

Face the Music: This song is actually a banger

Star Crushed: Looking back, I’m starting to think the writing peaked at this episode....

BATTLE FOR MEWNI EDITION!!!!!

Return to Mewni: This is… just an exposition filler. Not much else to say….

Moon the Undaunted: B4! B4! B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4 B4!

Book Be Gone: Seriously, did Glossy take trolling lessons from Alex Hirsch this is hilarious!

Marco and the King: This is the  “Pro-tag teen hangs out with older adult figure” done slightly better

Puddle Defender: Aw, look at the little buff babies, they’re getting so big!

King Ludo: The mime stole the show.

Toffee: Yeah, I think the writing peaked somewhere around here...

Scent of Hoodie: Huh, so Ponyhead can be written as likeable, who would’ve thought?

Rest in Pudding: The colors are not doing the censors any favor here, huh?

Club Snubbed: I literally yelled “Phrasing!” whenever they dropped the title

Stranger Danger: Is she the new antagonist of the series? I can’t tell

Demoncism: Tom is a wonderful baby boy and Ponyhead is written as likeable, part 2!

Sophmore Slump: *sobbing* Jackie deserved better, dang it!

Lint Catcher: I’m starting to wonder if there is any competant authority figure in Mewni

Trial by Squire: I think the writers were all like” You think these guys will ship anyone with Marco?” and decided to test that theory.

Princess Turdina: I got more lore out of this episode than I thought I would.

Starfari: Welp, she makes me uncomfortable.

Sweet Dreams: *Sailor Moon-ing intensifies*

Lava Lake Beack: Proof that this fandom will ship anyone with Marco at the slightest inclanation

Death Peck: Rich Pigeon is my new favorite birb and Ponyhead is written as likeable for the third time

Ponymonium: Well, it was nice while it lasted.

Night Life: The writers made so many new ships they had to get rid of an old one!

Deep Dive: “Chicken butt”

Monster Bash: Well, that explains the cheekmarks.

Stump Day: I think they just made an episode based around a picture from that bookcover.

Holiday Special: *insert every cheesy Christmas/Holiday episode trope here*

The Bog Beast of Boggabah: The title is fun to say and the episode is average at best.

Total Eclipsa the Moon: Seriously, I’m supposed to think she’s an ultimate villain.

Butterfly Trap: In which we are all Sean, don’t lie we were all him at the end

Ludo, Where Art Thou?: Dennis is best brother, hands down.

Is Another Mystery: *sniff* I got more emotional over this episode than anyone else did and I’m not sure how I feel about that

Marco Jr.: I… I just… Why? What’s the point?

Skooled!: Epic advertisment fakeout combined with wonderful character development and lore with a shock ending makes a 8/10 episode.

Booth Buddies: Old Man McGucket ships Starco, proceed to react accordingly

Bam Ui Pati!: Ponyhead is kinda likeable in this episod–nevermind she’s back.

Tough Love: Oh man, it’s happening! It’s happening guys here we go!

Divide: We are going to war everybody–And they’re all dead. That was quick.

Conquer: They should have paid Alex HIrsch to voice Glossaryck at this point, it’d be more in character for him.

Butterfly Follies: Proof that someone will always complain about politics no matter what.

Escape from the Pie Folk: Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that he kinda resembles Eclipsa more than Festivia?

Moon Remembers: I was expecting a freakout but was pleasantly surprised

Swim Suit: I’m starting to get a bad feeling about Rhombulus

Ransomgram: Why is everyone in this dimesnion hot?!

Lake House Fever: She’s a good mom

Yada Yada Berries: They missed an opportunity to have a Seinfeld actor guest-star, just saying

Down by the River: I’m glad that she can relax

The Ponyhead Show!: And Ponyhead is offically no longer likeable, can someone toss her into an abyss please?

Surviving the Spiderbites: SpiderSlime is canon proceed to react accordingly

Out of Buisness: How did this place go out of buisness???

Kelly's World: Man, they’re really setting these non-Starco ships up to fail, huh?

Curse of the Blood Moon: Pfft, yeah, sure, Starco won’t be canon at all!

Princess Quasar Caterpillar and the Magic Bell: I think Ludo has the most consistent character arc out of the entire show’s history.

Ghost of Butterfly Castle: Moon, Star is your daughter and Star supports Eclipsa, why would you not tell her?

Cornball: This episode has a heartwarming lesson that I hope more people come to realize

Meteora's Lesson: I’ll take any Toffee scenes I can get

The Knight Shift: I honestly don’t remember what happened n this episode

Queen-Napped: Seriously, can someone please dropkick Ponyhead into an abyss?

Junkin' Janna: The JanTom interaction I’ve been waiting for

A Spell with No Name: These types of episodes stopped being charming awhile ago

A Boy and His DC-700XE: I think Tomco has more ground to stand-on then Starco at this point

The Monster and The Queen: Don Panchito voices Globgor! There’s hope for this show yet!

Cornonation: They’re the best couple/parents/anything around!

Doop-Doop: I honestly think Rick just put Morty through some flux-capacitor or something

Britta's Tacos: Hey, remember these people that we suddenly brought back? No? Me neither!

Beach Day: This feels like a Season 1 episode and it’s nice

Gone Baby Gone: I want a TV show aout them now! Disney, please!

Sad Teen Hotline: Mr. Diaz is way to invested in Star’s love life.

Jannanigans: Hello last minute Janna character development!

Mama Star: So that’s how Mewni came to be--and I don’t care anymore

Ready, Aim, Fire!: Let’s get that finale ball rolling people!

The Right Way: Ok, that spell is actually pretty badass.

Here to Help: There, Starco’s finally canon will you guys just shut up now!

Pizza Party: Moon you idiot you ruined everything!

The Tavern at the End of the Multiverse: Toffee was right all along... I think we all knew that in some way

Cleaved: I expect nothing substanial and that’s what I got