Founded the Rocky Mountain Ukulele Orchestra and Denver Guitar Orchestra. Pulp fiction author. Composer of musicals. I ♥ dB, cats, golf, and crosswords.
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Saturday, November 3, 2024
Uniclue Poems and Super Short Stories from the NYTXW by Gary Jugert
1. ALASKA PENINSULA ETHOS: I can see Russia from my house.
⁃ The winds were howling, the snow was drifting, the sun hadn’t risen in weeks, and from where she sat staring into the murky world from a frozen window pane, she knew they’d still be trying to find her. And they probably would. “I’m gonna make sure they regret it,” she mumbled to nobody. “They’ll regret it real good.”
2. GODDAUGHTER AMMO: Smart alec comments.
⁃ The godfather stood at the christening and thought, “I will make her in my own image. Smart. Funny. And sassy. Fifteen years later, he would come to regret his success as he watched her bully a 15-year-old boy into tears while in line for a slice of pizza.
3. INA RESENTS THE CANOE: Celebrity chef Garten doesn't want to make Duck a l'Orange in a boat.
⁃ The producers said it would be a fine cooking show in the country. When it turned out to be a competition to produce French culinary classics while sailing in a canoe with a camp stove, every star chef wanted to look at their contracts. One starlet started a fire.
4. ODESSA MOOD CONGRUENCE: When you wear a cowboy hat in New York City.
⁃ Clarence left his room on the 36th floor of the Times Square hotel wearing the cowboy hat … without irony. Eighteen hours later he returned to the room without the hat. And without pants.
5. CIVIC MINDED ODOR: Aroma d'City Council.
⁃ Socialite and benefactor Mamie Austin, better known as Mrs. Chamber of Commerce to everyone in town sat at her television the week after Thanksgiving. The local news told the story of homelessness, drug wars, murders, and poverty in her city, and then cut to perfume commercials by celebrities doused in waterfalls. And the lightbulb illuminated. She raced to her apothecary. “I need you to mix a new fragrance, a scent unique to our city. We’ll have every woman and man in the city smelling of it by Christmas. Aroma d’City Council will create the civic minded odor and civic minded profits to save our city.” The apothecary smiled her hideous smile with her missing and yellowed teeth. “Yes Mrs. Austin. Right away.”
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Saturday, November 2, 2024
Uniclue Poems and Super Short Stories from the NYTXW
1. COLDCALL OPENER: "How ya doin' today, buddy? Listen…"
⁃ And immediately after those words oozed from the telephone into my ears the rage began and it’s why I’m sitting in a cell right now.
2. COAXED TO A TEE: "Today's the day you're gonna break 90; I feel it in my bones."
⁃ That’s where we started. Then there was the beer. And the cart girl’s friend. And now I don’t know where my pants or my wallet are.
3. TRUE JETES STOP: When the ballet goes bankrupt.
⁃ Ernestine McGuillocutty was a pillar of the artistic community and a fixture at every important performance of the company. She’d been managing the books for decades and none of us ever thought to wonder how she afforded the number of trips she took. I suppose we assumed her husband made good money.
4. ERASER ASSAILED: Nixon criticized.
⁃ Those tapes. That 18 minutes. Somebody had to make them go away.
5. DERATS SET LIST: Cover band chooses not to play Nirvana.
⁃ You’re supposed to like this music if you’re “cool.” Problem is it’s bad music foisted upon our ears by a commercial marketing machine and we’ve decided to put a stop to it. Instead, please prepare your head for the following….
6. ACCESS FALTERED: When you took Gandalf's advice on a route into Mordor.
⁃ Down at the pub, they pulled out of map of Middle Earth and said, “Well, here are all the possible ways to reach Mordor.” And of course the wizard said, “I’m gonna take them on the worst possible route. Where would that be?”
7. ROLL UP EVERMORE: End your Swiftie-ismic ways.
⁃ Her mouse poised over the delete button for an excruciating number of seconds. Was it time? She’d lived her life by a code, a love affair really, and now it was time to move on. With one click. Or not.
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Friday, November 1, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 When your opponent wipes away tears with his green belt.
2 Well, somebody hasta make 'em walk the plank.
3 Why you're poor and MGM is rich, sadly.
***
1 DOJO EGO BOOSTER
2 A JOB IS A JOB ASEA (~)
3 ONLINE POKER, GRR
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Thursday, October 31, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 Write "Citizen Kane."
2 Why the shirtless dude on the float in a gold spandex leotard has a bit of a tummy.
3 Ye Olde place to buy "Breakfast at Tiffany's."
4 Inevitable expense when murder and torture is on the menu.
5 Is it Poison? No. 5? Or J'adore?
6 When Puerto Ricans tell the truth according to the Mad Grampa's Campaign Rallies.
7 Written approval for London Fogs.
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1 FOMENT SLED BIT
2 PRIDE MONTH CRESCENT ROLL
3 CAPOTE SHOPPE
4 LAB RAT RE-ORDER
5 MINCE HER AROMA
6 TRASH CANDOR
7 TEA TROLLEY PERMIT
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Wednesday, October 30, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 Smooth monkey man.
2 Repeat after me, playoff successes for the Denver Broncos over the last nine torturous years and now that carpet bagger quarterback is killin' in Pittsburgh.
3 Windows 11.
4 Former stretcher.
***
1 HAIR WAX APE
2 GOOSE EGG MANTRA (~)
3 ANTAGONIST'S IOS
4 YOGA ONE ONCE
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Tuesday, October 29, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 Ask an ogre to babysit.
2 The Rex Parker blog.
3 Harmonious salad enthusiasts.
4 Breaking Bad, inc.
5 ... and yet she missed the high notes.
6 Komodo swami.
7 It's murdered and probably won't kill anybody, so you're good to ship it out.
***
1 ENTRUST SHREK
2 META ADO
3 WALDORF PEP BAND
4 ICE FIRM
5 MEZZO PIPED UP
6 RED LIZARD SEER
7 USDA PROMPT
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Monday, October 28, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 Inkers' crown.
2 What they were bumping in Chernobyl.
3 A big Roy Rogers without a cherry.
***
1 OCTOPUSES' TIARA
2 ATOMIC DJ SET (~)
3 UNLIT LARGE COKE
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Sunday, October 27, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 Open up money to make more Deloreans.
2 Pants with tiny secrets.
3 Canadian clodhopper carnivore caves.
4 Dog ripped your smart alec face off.
5 How to enjoy a highland adventure, uh huh.
***
1 UNBOX IRISH AUTO LOANS (~)
2 MICRODOT BRITCHES
3 MOOSEMEAT YAHOO: "I CAN'T GO ON" (~)
4 CANINE GRADED SASS (~)
5 SAY YES TO SNOWSUIT! AAH! (~)
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Saturday, October 26, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 ProActiv promo.
2 Axel buddy's spin.
3 Phlegm.
4 Long legged trade show.
5 Why I'm sleeping in the alley.
6 "I'm smarter than they are."
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1 ACNED? NOPE, NONE.
2 PALS SKATE VIBE (~)
3 VOCAL CORD RESIN
4 MINISKIRTS EXPO
5 ALE RAP SHEET
6 SELF PITY FIB
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Friday, October 25, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 Me, quoting Dan.
2 One of two dots next to the swoosh.
3 Block heads.
4 Prayer to big pharma during a kidney stone incident.
5 What I use tongs to grab at the fried chicken buffet.
***
1 I REPEAT RATHER
2 BASS CLEF NIPPLE
3 GRANITE IDIOTS (~)
4 OH PLEASE MOTRIN
5 TALLER BREAST (~)
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Thursday, October 24, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 "I could kill you with one swish."
2 Action as Brutus replies, "Yeah, buddy, me too."
3 How leftover wedding tapers get used on a hot honeymoon.
4 Where my speech patterns go after an hour on BritBox.
5 I'll bet it's whiskey, women, and burritos.
6 Who I become when I hear we're planning a dinner party.
7 The rent on time for once.
8 Imagined indoctrination chant by pro-unified-bathrooms advocates.
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1 ORCA BAR BOAST (~)
2 IMPALING THE ONE
3 WHITE WAX FETE
4 HEAD TO COCKNEY
5 ALL I NEED WAGERS (~)
6 CAN WE NOT BOY
7 TENANT'S PRESENT
8 SAY, "DIE SEXES!" (~)
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Wednesday, October 23, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 An oud.
2 Consultants calculating why he's a good boy.
3 Why you're weeping in the moors at dusk.
4 Dad explaining how curfew works.
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1 MOOR STYLE AXE (~)
2 LAB'S MATH TEAM
3 MAPQUEST DIED
4 HARSH ADDRESS
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Tuesday, October 22, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 Angel who rawks hard.
2 Lonely fish floating to Fornax.
3 Sight on Green Bay football broadcasts.
4 Bugs got gnarly.
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1 HARP AX MAN
2 SOLO SPACE COD
3 BIG CHEESE CAMEO
4 ANTS SAT ON SKIS
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Monday, October 21, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 When you hang a musical instrument above the sidewalk waiting for the bully to stroll past.
2 What prescriptivists have a tendency to do.
3 When you treat your belly like a video game with ice cream.
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1 PIANO ROPE TRICK (~)
2 INVENT NOT SO FUN (~)
3 ABS OVER, SAY
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Sunday, October 20, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 The sad story of a Swedish band saying yes to Mamma Mia was rudely (and wisely) interrupted by German disapproval.
2 When you're excited to tow a boat to Kansas.
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1 ACHS IRE ABBA EULOGY
2 ALL IN MANHATTAN HOOKUP
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Saturday, October 19, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 Muddy trail through the kitchen leading to a treasure.
2 Cave man explaining his love to a beaut.
3 Reputation of one with a radioactive personality.
4 When Kamala mocks the orange one.
5 Open minded stoppers.
***
1 PAW PRINTS MAP
2 I AM SWEETIE
3 URANIUM ORE CRED
4 SASS THAT'S NEAT
5 WOKE BUS DRIVERS
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Friday, October 18, 2024
Uniclues by Gary Jugert
1 My living room when I don't listen.
2 Jars filled with leaves.
3 My dog (rarely).
4 Apiologists.
5 What the Elks did when the cake came out.
6 One reliant on a how-to auto manual.
7 When you refuse to click on the link to see what the '90s were really like.
8 Unlikely trait of Polar Bear Club members.
9 Bar mitzvah class implement.
***
1 ONE ACT RAGE ROOM (~)
2 HOT TEA EYE CANDY (~)
3 GAS RETAINER
4 BEE COUNTERS (~)
5 LODGE OOHED
6 HAYNES POOR SOUL
7 NOT DO RETRO VIBE (~)
8 ICE WATER AVERSE
9 STARTER TORAHS
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