#free furniture for me
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Got a new piece of alleyway furniture in need of love/repair yesterday afternoon:
It's the base of a hoosier cabinet in a pretty sad state. The sides are delaminating and at least two of the legs are splitting. And you can see the state of the finish.
Not a valuable antique so I feel no guilt in what I'm going to do to it to give it an alternative function.
It's going to turn into a combination plant stand (that enameled top makes it perfect) and cat bed (in the cabinet part. The drawers, which still work well, will be nice storage. Might see if my seed packet collection will fit or I might put cat toys and brushes in it, who knows?
It's not going to be a professional job for sure. I'll probably just sister some additional supports to the insides of all the legs to fix that issue. Then see about getting some thin plywood or Masonite board to fit into the sides. Remove what little finish remains, sand, and paint/stain.
Probably should either put a little lip on the inside of the cabinet part to keep the cat bed from slipping out. Or I could keep the door shut and just remove the left panel entirely to allow feline access. I'm a little concerned that if I make it too private, however, some little kitty (lookin at you, Princess Many Toes) will start using it as a litterbox.
Anyway, it's not a project I'm going to start until I finish the current garden project since I'd like to get that done before we hit 100F again.
#free furniture for me#hoosier cabinet base#i honestly don't know if it's vintage or antique but it really doesn't matter much in this case#i need to figure out exactly where this is going to go in the house before i start#because it will dictate some of the reno choices as well as the finish/decor that gets applied#furniture upcycling#there was a nice solid wood dresser thing (i think) with a mirror 'backsplash' next to this cabinet#but i definitely had no room for it and no transport for it (i used a two-wheel cart and bungees for the cabinet)#but there are at least 5 guys who cruise the alleys for scrap (all in different colored pickup trucks) so i'm sure someone will get it
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"dont put shit on the floor" does the rent we pay every month not include the floor too, mother? When god sings with his creations, will the floor not be a part of the choir?
#free real estate#i put my shit wherever i want#im TWENTY#“dont put yout stuff on the floor” is a ploy by big furniture to make you buy more shelves that are unstable require assembly take up space#while the floor is there#is stable#dirt will get on stuff just as much as it does on a shelf#no assembly it came with your house i hope#LET ME PUT SHIT ON MY FLOOR#this is america#i live in italy#im just a creature#the floor is the closest to the ground#my shit is in touch with nature#and its creations#and it marvels#my shit is happier on the FLOOR
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i know i said more dom!reader blah blah blah sorry arlecchino rotted my brain severely. tmasc bunny!arle giving me severe brain damage /pos
(he/him prns used for arle)
at a glance, the big ears and small puffball of a tail might temporarily make you think Arlecchino is far sweeter then he actually is. how could anyone who looked so cute be anything but, right?
but you know better. you serve under Lord Arlecchino - literally. tucked under his desk while he makes you slobber and choke all over his strap. you barely get to breathe with his hand fisted in your hair, keeping you right where he wants you. if you've been particularly exemplary on your little missions, he might even let you sit on his lap. though whether thats worse or not is debatable, making you cockwarm him as he works. and you'd better keep quiet, too. he's not above muzzling you or just straight up shoving his fingers into your mouth to silence you while you squirm on his lap.
maybe if you last until he's done he'll fuck you properly. bend you over his desk and pound your pretty little holes until you're unable to stand. he'll still make you clean up his strap afterwards, of course.
it's when he's in a bad mood that he really gets going. sheds the act of polite, dignified little bunny. no, he's here to break you in and use you like the little toy you are. and you'll let him, won't you? drooling all over his strap when he fucks your throat raw, drags you into the nearest room the moment he sees you to watch your eyes roll back into your head as his cock stretches you out..
he's just as much of a mess as you are when he's this pent up, though. he doesn't bother keeping up appearances when he just has some pent up stress to get out. if you could even think straight you'd notice his puffball of a tail wagging and his ears drooping as he ruts into you, panting and grunting against your ear when you cum around his strap for the tenth time. you could almost swear you heard him whimper, but you'll be in a world of punishment if you mention it the next day (he absolutely did).
#minors dni#genshin impact smut#genshin smut#genshin impact x reader#genshin x reader#misc#arlecchino smut#arlecchino x reader#arle the stone butch that u r mwah#im a stone butch but im a stone butch with an exception#and the exception is arle he can do whatever he wants 2 me#obligatory mention that this isnt a genderbend. arle isnt a man here. thumbs up#hes just a butch. respect ur local butches 2 day!#anyway arle wearing the harness over his pants propaganda#its soooooooo#twirls hair. sir.#yall remember that tmasc arle thing i talked abt a bit ago. this is just that w bunny arle ough..#tmasc arle w a breeding kink who cant breed reader got me acting up like PLEASEEEEEE#i need normally super dignified arle to be so desperate he starts whimpering bc he wants to breed reader so bad it makes him look stupid#has this been done yet. g-d i hope so. i will ascend#tmasc bunny arle destroying every piece of furniture in the hoth in his efforts can i can a F 2 pay respects#i loveeeeeeeeee dignified super serious arle okay. is arle whimpering a little ooc. maybe#but he deserves to whimper!!!!! let him be pathetic okay thats my pookie :(#tmasc stone butch arle could fix me though i need. 2 write a proper fic abt rthis#arle is more like a hare but its also funnier 2 imagine he just presents himself as a hare so know no one knows hes a silly little guy#grabs his ears. free handlebars!!!!!!!!!#(disclaimer i am not responsible for what happens if u do)#okay ill shut up now I PROMISE...maybe.
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You've always been my go-to for all things Bleach lore and world-building! Do you think Shinigami all sleep in futons or beds? Or maybe it varies from character to character? We've seen the 4th division with beds in their wards, but I think every other character has slept in futons.
Haha, thank you! We do love a furniture deep-dive here, and people's headcanon speculations about shinigami life even more.
I started a list of any time we'd ever seen a character in some kind of bed (futon or frame), but it mostly just ended up being a long list of "_______ at the 4th," lol, so we'll see all those aside (almost all those aside). But canonically, there is a mixture! We see:
Hinamori in Aizen's futon
[Bleach 100]
Ukitake in his quarters
[Bleach e40]
Isane in her quarters
[Bleach 179]
Hisana at the Kuchiki house
[Bleach 179]
I think Rukia had a similar setup during the Bount Arc, as well.
Also, I'd like to note that for the record as I was retrieving *bed pictures* I got emotionally destroyed by my re-encounter with this panel. It is just SO deeply sad:
[Bleach 180]
The incredible, isolating vastness of the room, and the way the shadow cuts across the space. ToT <33333 It also reminds me of a really excellent meta piece done by afinepiece, where she analyzed the panels from Byakuya's story about Hisana and pointed out sections where the panel visuals might suggest Byakuya's memory/headspace more than physical reality. Her journal is deactivated but I know the reblog is on B3 somewhere! I'm inclined to go with that reading here, even though I also feel like the room probably just *looked like this* because every room in Soul Society is like this. (Maybe it's also for airflow, given her illness seemed partially respiratory and possibly contagious? ngl I'm basing this off that one anime elaboration scene and my co-blogger's post about Circus Hisana and Elephant TB).
In my mind Byakuya's convalescent setup was the same as Hisana's (is this the sad Seireitei equivalent of couples' outfits) but I was wrong:
[Bleach 180]
He's in a bed! But from the look of this building he's probably at the 4th and not at home. Put simply, this building is too brutish and workmanlike to be part of the Kuchiki complex:
[Bleach 180]
Hanatarou's quarters (implied)
[Bleach e259]
The tatami floor, layout, and big closet on the right-hand side seem to imply that Hanatarou uses a futon.
Abarai family quarters (implied)
[Bleach "No Breathes from Hell"]
This is probably not the only room in this house and they could put *anything* in those cabinets, but their sheer number and the style of the room suggests that this converts to a futon-filled bedroom, regardless of what might exist in other parts of the house.
Bonus 1: Renji in jail
[Bleach 118]
Is this at the 6th? Is this at the 4th? I always assumed the 6th, though obviously the 4th was involved. Idk, Byakuya left him on the ground. Maybe if you don't pick up your invalids the 4th just stashes them in their jail.
Bonus 2: Hitsugaya in Junrinan (non-shinigami, non-Seireitei)
[Bleach -16 (in between 286 and 287)]
These examples are pretty skewed in favor of futons, but if we think about this collection of characters, there is an overrepresentation of people who trend more traditional in terms of aesthetic, so they might not meaningfully represent the whole. Also, half the list is the same family.
We've seen a number of different offices and meeting rooms for each division, as well as some private residences, which have been a mix of Western and traditional styles in terms of the building itself and the furniture within it. Most of the offices seem to have Western furniture (or at least, the 10th, 6th, and 3rd), whereas Byakuya and Aizen, at least, seem to prefer the traditional at home.
Though, I don't know what this big-ass room is, but given its size and feeling of formal reception, this may well be the 5th's office?
[Bleach 100]
NB 1: I tried to look up what the office looks like under Shinji, but what is happening here:
[Bleach "No Breathes from Hell"]
NB 2: The 2nd also has traditional receiving rooms (used by both Yoruichi and Soi Fon, wherever the division between Shihouin and the 2nd is. But I assume Soi Fon's office is not the Shihouin Family Receiving room).
--
My feeling is that the differences are more regional/Division-based than personal preference-based, and *when*/by whom this design language was established depends on how much time and money the people in charge want to devote to furniture.
But that doesn't necessarily mean each Division is uniform, since we can see Isane and Hanatarou, both seated officers of the 4th, have different-style rooms! Maybe this is an effect of the 4th being an early bed adopter for their general professional purposes. Unohana is 100% a futon lady. I feel like Isane just accepted whatever was originally in the room, and that if there were no bed at all in the room she would sleep on the floor before asking to remodel. Does that mean a previous 4th VC wanted to modernize the VC quarters?
Was that previous 4th VC the original bedframe proselytizer, and got permission from Unohana to do up their quarters like a model home that gave examples of both types of room? Do Isane and Unohana live in an IKEA showroom?
What are the benefits of futons?
the room can be multi-use, a general common room by day and sleeping dorm by night
don't have to make a bunch of bedframes
Given what a big deal everyone makes out of transporting goods from the Living World, I feel like they probably make all their furniture and don't import particleboard from Nitori, so this would be expensive! Plus, given the amount of building reconstruction that needs to happen, I feel like there's probably a fairly small quota of wood released to civilians and/or divisions for non-essential use.
What are the benefits of bedframes?
BUNKBEDS
easier cleaning/long-term savings?
Yeah, you'd have to make the bedframes and have a whole separate common room, but having beds implies you've probably done away with the tatami in the room, since you're not really supposed to put heavy furniture on the mats. And I don't think in a barrack with heavy use you'd be able to rely on shinigami simply "being careful." Same logic as college dorms and their "IKEA, but completely indestructible" furniture.
So if you decide in the long-term that you don't want to do tatami maintenance/replacement and want wood furniture on wood floors, maybe the bed route is for you! ("You" here meaning "your division"!) At which point it'd be a matter of:
caring enough to do a cost/benefit analysis about this
whether or not you want to preserve the traditional aesthetic
whether you have the initial capital to invest in making the change
Some additional thoughts:
We know that at least a portion of the 2nd has heated floors, as financed by Oomaeda. I'm not a heated floors aficionado--though I stayed at an AirBnb once with a heated driveway--NUTS) but I feel like that would...not work with tatami? That over time the heat would dry them out too much and make them brittle? So maybe the 2nd has beds.
Despite the fact that the 10th office changes out their couch out a few times during the canon timeline, I feel like there's a 0% chance Hitsugaya has considered a bedding/architecture overhaul during his tenure at the 10th. He's spent the last 15 years developing a real filing system and an actual budget procedure. He didn't come in with extra money to put towards beds and the 46 doesn't generally approve that kind of line item. That's more of a "gift fund" expense.
Shinji is trying to get a Pod Hotel proposal approved, on the grounds that the idea would benefit more than just the 5th. They could implement it in the Tsumesho (Gotei WeWork)! And provide them in strategic outposts across Rukongai!
During what decade was the 11th briefly "HAMMOCK DIVISION" because it seemed like the cheapest, most low-maintenance option?
#if anyone more (non-4th) bed pics please feel free to add them!#also if anyone knows what chapter has the panel where ukitake is holding a compress to his head please god tell me because it's not where i#thought it was and i spent more time looking for it than i did writing this entire post#shinigamiology#bleach headcanons#bleach meta#bleach furniture#bleach architecture#bed society#no brain just bleach
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and what if I said she’s absolutely right?
#bb26#bb26 makensy#bb26 cam#like he’s furniture now#…but we all thought Kaycee was furniture week 5 and then started winning comps in jury phase#the difference is that Kaycee was already in an alliance. if pentagon dissolves… cam’s a free agent#also brooklyn and chelsie have more visible targets#cam will most likely hide behind bigger targets and ensure his safety from there#he’s not even trying which makes me wonder what’s going to happen if and when he does start trying
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Kinda rlly annoys me that a ton of people I called friends think it’s their place to say I shouldn’t get stuff to make my apartment nice or act like I’m irresponsible with money just because I’m Able to make my place nice and they weren’t especially when like the majority of things I own are either second hand or I made it myself or some variation of that like my coffee table I got for $8 second hand missing it’s glass top and I just rearranged the wooden planks added a couple screws and anchors and got a nice wooden coffee table for less than $10 and some tools I already had when the tables original worth is over $300, my side table and tv are both things my brother left behind when he moved back north so I used them for my place, most of my wall decor I made myself or is just stuff that I’ve accumulated over the years same for dishes n stuff I’ve been slowly getting that stuff for like two years whenever I found something I liked and could afford really the most expensive thing I got was my couch being $400 and the Only reason I got a new couch instead of second hand is I get too paranoid about bugs especially bed bugs and couldn’t mentally handle getting a couch second hand and still found a nice big sectional on sale and had nearly $2k in saving specifically to fill an apartment with and I didn’t even use $1k of that
#my bed frame and shoe rack were free I made my bed frame with old pallets I got for free and painted and cut to size myself#my shoe rack I made out of cinder blocks and the extra bits of pallets#like u don’t got to be rich to have nice things#just learn to make or fix things up for yourself buy second hand and sales#ghost rambles#genuinely the only things I bought for this apartment is the living room and dining room furniture and peel and stick wallpaper#and the peel and stick wallpaper the ex roomate had to pay me back for since I paid to do it in the last place#and the furniture I had a chair already I’d been meaning to reupholster for ages and never got around to#just put a $10 chair cover over it looks good and it’s comfy now#originally got it second hand a few years ago for like maybe $10#kitchen table I also got on sale only spent $100 for a really nice big table and benches and the table expands to fit more
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fun guessing game you get to have with your family when you're mixed: was the shit they pulled racially motivated or not
#they brought home a job app for me for a hibachi place#i am pretty happy with doing my cleaning + art tho and i don't really want to do anything culinary or food service related#i'd rather just get more hours again cleaning :/ idk i'll think about it but i don't handle time-pressure well#cleaning is good for me because as long as i accomplish the tasks i am okay and i can do them in any order i want#anyway i have to be careful though because if i go too long without 'working enough' for their tastes they start taking furniture out of#my room lol#thankfully i finally was able to buy most of my own furniture though during my job so the only things they could take now are like#the tv bookcase and fan#i guess they could take the computer too but they gave that to me years ago so it would be kinda weird if they did#i am a grown ass man but i'm probably not gonna be free from this shit until i can finally move out#gahhh it is what it is#i'm gonna text my boss on monday and see if there's any open buildings i could take for at least another day of work#if not then i'll pick up something random i guess#but i honestly like having more time/energy to work on my art even though being home more sometimes sucks#i might try to do longer days to make up for it?#idk. lots to think about.
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how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
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Al acts like Diego is an inconvenience he barely tolerates - having to take his calls, giving him somewhere to live as long as he mops the floors but he doesn’t even always show up to mop the floors. But Al doesn't kick him out, he complains about it and he complains about having knives thrown at him, but he never kicks him out. We see Diego in the gym in season one and literally everyone seems to know him, suggesting he's worked and lived there a long time.
And I just think of Al seeing this kid who's seventeen, maybe eighteen (depending when he was kicked out of the police academy), with no where to live, no qualifications or transferable skills, very little understanding of how the world works, and a whole lot of anger thanks to his abusive father and fucked up childhood. And he wants to help him. But Al's not comfortable showing people he cares and even if he was, Diego is too proud to take a handout anyway, because he doesn't want to seem weak. So instead of just offering Diego the boiler room to stay in, he tells him he can have it if he works for him.
So Diego gets a place to live, Al knows he's safe and not on the steets somewhere, and sometimes his floors even get cleaned!
#the umbrella academy#tua#diego hargreeves#al#I know we barely see Al but you cannot tell me he lets Diego live there just because he mops his floors#it's a boiler room#you don't let your staff live in a boiler room just because it's free space#you obviously do that out of the goodness of your heart#diego has a fridge and furniture - this isnt a temporary living situation#it's his home#character analysis
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things in my house that just make sense:
only one noise allowed at a time (for my sanity)
the can lights? we never turn those on. cozy lamps only
dog gates. everywhere. fuck "open living space"
no brand new furniture
hanging plants so the dogs can't reach them
a vhs player
#not dogs#house stuff#sorry for being so mia lately it has been a heatwave here and we've been doing like...nothing#anyways i love my house#(but also to keep your expectations realistic we have never had a time where we've been able to use all fixtures in both bathrooms)#so there's that#me: what if i dragged this free furniture left on the side of the road and put it in my house? mine now
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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only posting this here because i dont think anyone will see it. i need to get this out
im so fucking tired of my life. im tired of caring, like, in general. as stupid as it sounds, i was watching kitchen nightmares, and gordon said something about a chef or an owner, i dont remember exactly, he said; "losing hope is a scary thing to do, when theres just no more light at the end of the tunnel, it takes you down dark paths." or something like that. and ive been suicidal/depressed since i was 9, but i thought to myself "im not hopeless, am i?". the more i thought about it, the worse i felt because, god no, im not hopeless. im helpless, or maybe i wallow too much in my own self pity. i dont know the difference. every goddamn day feels like another waking nightmare, im sick of living with my mom, im sick of her not letting me get a job. i dont want my name on the damn electric bill because shes over $1,000 in debt to the power company anymore. shes already ruining my credit, and i dont even have a damn job! not to mention her fucking kid, her 5yo fucking kid, im taking care of. the product of the man who beat me over and over again, threatened to kill me, and then he took a greyhound bus out of our lives. why didnt she protect me? he never once hit her, or anyone else, why didnt mom help me? i was only 13 when he first pulled me by my hair and slammed me into the stairs because i let moms ice cream tub melt on the kitchen table for half an hour. it took him till my brother was 3 to leave. she valued him over me, and even now. im always taking care of my brother, even when he screams at me, cusses at me, throws things at me, spits on me, hits me, kicks me, claws me, bites me, and more. you get the point. she never even tells him to stop, she doesnt have to scream, or hurt him, or anything. just please, please tell them to stop hurting me. i still take care of him. i take care of him when she takes 20 fucking benadryl and passes out for the full time shes at home between shifts. i sacrificed my education to "help her" take care of him. and she gets mad at me when i parent him, when i tell him off, or even more mad when i have to cry and beg him to stop hurting me. she says "youre 22 years old, get a grip" when im covered in bruises from the 5 year old "hes five!" she will scream when i tell her he hurts me. "he is five, hes supposed to listen to you" i said once, and she just stared at me. im always fucking things up, she never fails to let me know, when she looks at me like that i know its my fault. i cant even begin on my relationship, i shouldnt, he might see this. i just want to give up, im so tired of caring, i want to let it all go. my dog died, i ruined him too, i couldnt take him to the vet i couldnt help him. hes gone because i failed. my baby, im not saying that in the cringy melinial way, he saved me from suicide. so many times, it was "hell be so confused why im gone..", "hes gonna miss me", "whos gonna take care of him?" but now hes gone and im still here. my baby, is gone and im so selfishly still here. why wouldnt she let me get a job? i couldve taken him, i couldve at least got him put down so he didnt have to suffer in his favourite spot on my bed till his kidneys put him down for us. if i didnt know, my boyfriend would kill himself too when he comes home from classes tomorrow, and i was dead, i would take the entire 160 count bottle of benadryl i stole from moms room. i want to see my baby, he never ever missed on helping me, i owe him my life and couldnt even give him that when he passed. but not for lack of trying.
but even so, i dont feel hopeless. maybe only yearning, but it feels enough like hope. when i use my right hand to stroke my left cheek and neck, it almost feels like someone else. i get a glimmer of a thought, "one day, i wont have to beg to be taken care of. someone will do it because they want to.", but still, it hurts worse. i dont know how i can possibly derive so much gut wrenching pain from that little bit of hope, but i do. and still, i cant help myself, i cant blame anyone else. i can only hope someone will come save me. if i could handle this all on my own, i wouldnt be here typing this.
i want to decompose.
writing this after that monster of a textblock in the tags, but if you were wondering. im not exaggerating about the mess, and i wouldnt normally judge. because i have had worse bedrooms, mental illness is a bitch. but its in the common area, and she absolutely does make the 5yo live in it. she moved out to the living room after their room was too trashed for her to even walk in, so she toated her 50" fucking tv right out there and hasnt moved, accept to go to work, since. everyone pray or cross your fingers or send me some good energy to hope she gets sliced into a million pieces at work instead of accidentally oding on bennies so i can raise my brother with her life insurance money.
#tw: abuse#tw: death#tw: suicidality#are people even gonna have that tag blocked? i didnt even know that was a word#tw: suidice#this will hopefully feel a lot better and more freeing that venting to a character aye eye lud#and hopefully i wont have a panic attack from my intense fear of rejection (someone will see this and not even read it all#im already shitting myself about it)#not really. but if one person has something mean to say. i might actually commit#not to put any pressure onto whoever is reading this#if anyone#if you are. i love you. even if i dont know you- right now in this moment i genuinely feel an intense swell of affection#i love you dear reader. probably more than my boyfriend loves me hahahhhh.#doesnt it feel good to feel so intensely. and never have those overwhelming feelings reciprocated?#i want to go to sleep so bad but i have to get up and go clean the living room#mom has started living out there. she sleeps on the couch and the entire room is trashed#like level 2 hoarder. 2020 depression bedroom. typa thing. its genuinely so disgusting.#no matter how clean i keep my room the bugs still come in and live in my furniture#i want to sleep or kill every one of us. im not entirely sure what would feel better#i actually want to kms less now but i dont know if i can post this. i dont think i have the confidence#pressing post before i psych myself out. if i dwell on this anymore i might actually do it.#i also wanna say. im so so SO sorry to whoever might actually see this. im sorry you came into contact with me in any way#and im even more sorry if you felt bad for me or something. im sorry. i dont know why i think writing this was okay.#but whats done is done. and i love you still. and im so sorry.
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thinking of aylin's no love no joy line and then the night swimming scene where you get to see shadowheart experiencing genuine joy + having fun, calling the player her true love if her parents are alive......
#tbd#i'm not playing bg3 rn#i'm playing eso i need to do my part to make sure the book furniture wins (i mean it's already the majority but still)#and thinking about shadowheart and that cult post#i wasn't even in a fucking cult but organised religion did a number on me mentally i still have christian guilt#and there's something so healing about watching her free herself of it#and get the chance to be happy#anyway#bg3 spoilers
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the worst part about being a pianist is that you can't just...simply take your instrument with you
#friends I am BEREFT#I was incredibly lucky to have my own piano for the last three years of college#and I mean like. someone gave it to me for free#and I also had access to a social network in the area + a pickup truck + my father who is an experienced piano mover and problem solver™#but anyway I could not bring it with me when I left#and even if I could just manifest it here there is nowhere to put it in this house#that's the thing like. you can find pianos pretty cheap on facebook marketplace these days#but moving one is a whole ordeal#and then you have to have somewhere to put a whole piece of furniture#our living room is tiny :(#thinking I could maybe fit a keyboard in my bedroom if I could find one#but it's not the same...#anyway my best hope atm is getting door access to the church I attend#but I have yet to converse with anyone in a position to help me with that#and it's only a short walk which is nice#but still not the same as home piano#ik ik this is a very ''first world problem''#but for most of my life I have been in the habit of playing almost every day#it's stress relieving! it's creative! it was...kind of loadbearing in some ways...#it's a very Jane Austen predicament. where's a secret fiancee to buy and deliver a surprise piano when you need one
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I've been up for hhh 8 hours to put my stuff in order and I'm currently in a lot of pain 👍
#feet and back are killing me 😭#at least i think that tomorrow max I'll have finished ordering my room and i can go back to working#i skipped a week to build furniture and move boxes and it's eating at me inside#i have to bring in my room my yarn and the guitar and some plants and finish placing the few remaining things on the shelves#just that almost free
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Ok relentless optimism let’s fucking do this
It doesn’t matter that you just cried so hard you threw up
It doesn’t matter that all your friends are choosing your ex and her affair partner
Nothing matters!! You’re just as alone as you were yesterday just with sore muscles
Jesus I’m in a room full of tarot cards that have done nothing but absorb negative vibes for the last ten months
Cmon Nora cmon Nora cmon Nora
#this room needs like a priest to come exorcise it fr fr#me too while were at it#as soon as I stop violent sobbing I’m gonna get SO much done just watch me#oh god I have therapy in 45 minutes Joanna is gonna be so fucking concerned#those free shit fb groups I joined better accept me before I THROW FURNITURE LIKE A COUNTRY STAR
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