#freakin' stupid beards

[modernwizard]

Reasons I love the Spymaster #61: Playing even more with gender!

Find my full series under the HELP I WUVS HIM tag or at the why I love Dhawan Master tag.

#61: Playing even more with gender!

In The Power of the Doctor, the Spymaster wears the Doctor's earring in a way that has caused fans around the world to swoon, but let's check out another example of his gender play in the same ep. Before he steals the Doctor's clothes, he defaces enhances 15 of Western art's most famous paintings for no other reason besides that of getting the Doctor's attention. Check out his alterations [from top to bottom] to Mona Lisa, American Gothic, and Girl with a Pearl Earring:

Yeah, he just stuck himself in Rasputin guise into each painting. Hilariously enough, it's not quite a self-insertion. He doesn't change the head hair and skin color of the original figures. He just pastes in the facial features and the beard. The ridiculously long and profuse beard accentuates the fakeness of the new faces and kind of makes it look like he put 🥸emojis on all the paintings.

Besides THE FREAKIN' SILLY BEARDS, the other thing that jumps out here is that the Spymaster pastes himself into portraits of women. Furthermore, when he has a choice of two characters to paste himself over, as in American Gothic, he deliberately chooses to paste himself in as the woman.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The Spymaster's gender doesn't fit into the masculine/feminine binary. It seems to be the same as the Thirteenth Doctor's, which is possibly "feral bastard" [#49] and/or "disaster queer" [#44]. Whatever his gender, it's flexible and includes a lot of room for play! >:}

P.S. Do you need MORE of the Spymaster in your life?

My most recent charity anthology, Gender Who?,features loads of Thirteen/Dhawan being their feral bastard selves and being happy!

If Masters in general are more your thing, you’re looking for Master Works, my first multimedia charity anthology about Master[s] + companion{s].

All proceeds from these two charity anthologies will go to Migrant Justice, a US-based nonprofit that aids migrant farm workers in political organizing.

And if, after all that, you still want more Spymaster…well, then you need help. And help is here!

Look who’s on the cover! How can you go wrong?! [This is a creative work of fiction intended solely for entertainment and parody. If you’re looking for self-help, it’s definitely not here.]

A humorous, sarcastic overview of the many personalities and faces of the universe’s most notorious supervillain, Your Villain & You invites you on a journey of wicked self-discovery. Choose the characters that you identify with the most, and then be amazed at what that reveals about your personality, childhood, style, gender, kinks, and more.

[macfrog]

so torn but i need a little 🩵

feel free to send more than one, baby! here all week 🫶🏼

meeting joel 1.3k words | duckie's baby shower 🩵

“fucking – shit…”

the truck squeals around the corner – the same goddamn corner it squealed around five minutes ago. you pass that same lime green mailbox, those same kids drawing farm animals on the sidewalk.

jesus christ, just admit it. you’re lost.

you did visit the place – though, only the once. and that was a couple months ago, now. you didn’t put a lot of effort into memorizing each street in the fucking neighborhood. did the houses look this similar, the day that you viewed it?

you’re sure you’re circling the same rows of houses over and over; sure you recognize the wind chimes hanging from that porch. you take another left, and –

“for fuck’s sake,” you sigh, pulling in down the street from those same sidewalk chalk artists. their cow drawing has a smug smile on its face.

your eyes roll to the right, and there it is. you probably passed it three times over.

it’s humble, quaint. pretty white wood, a wide-open porch. still some budding flowers left in planters by the door. you blink from the bay window to the numbers nailed squint into the column.

it’s so…grown-up. it almost makes you shiver.

you hop down out of the truck into blazing sunlight, lifting a hand to shield your eyes. a lawnmower hums in the distance, the scent of fresh grass diced through the air. a sprinkler whirs a few houses down. the kids across the street giggle and split the yellow chalk in two.

on one side of your new home – a similarly polite house with a row of vibrant tulips leading up to it. reds and yellows and blushing pinks – clipped and groomed within an inch of their life, each one blooming and beautiful.

on the other – a man, stood in front of a blue house, watering his grass. he’s tall, lean. built wider the higher up his figure your eyes climb. tanned, toned arms and broad shoulders which tug at the white tee he’s wearing. a square jawline beneath a thick brown beard.

you catch his eye and lift your hand to wave.

he turns away, aiming the hose at the grass behind him.

“dick,” you whisper, slamming the door.

you jog around to the back of the truck, taking hold of the sunbaked handle. it chinks, but it doesn’t budge.

“c’mon…” you grit your teeth, rattling it again and again. “are you fucking kidding me?”

you step back, sneakers scuffing on the road, and prop your hands on your hips.

your new neighbor is still focusing intently on his grass, spewing a stream of water at the lighter patches. the longer you stare, the more grass he finds to wet.

fuck it.

“hey!”

he gives the hosepipe a jerk, shaking his free hand dry.

“excuse me?” you call, waving an arm.

the man looks up slowly, checking over his shoulder first. making damn sure there’s no one else he can pretend you’re talking to.

and unless you’re eliciting help from the fucking paw patrol across the street, he’s no escape.

“hey,” again, and then, “i’m new around – i’m moving in next door. i can’t get this stupid fucki–freakin’ door to lift. would you mind helping me? please?”

he twists the hose in his hands. you can’t tell if he’s squinting because of the sun, or actually glowering at you.

it feels like the latter, the way he throws the thing to the grass.

he stalks over, a little intimidating in his stride, eyeing you as he approaches. without a word, he wraps two big hands around the latch. he tugs once, and the door doesn’t move.

“see?” you ask, gesturing to the truck. “i bet it’s, like, older than me. might even be older than you, might…”

your neighbor pauses, eyes sliding to yours. his stare is intense – dark, stormy eyes boring into yours.

and this time – you know he’s glowering.

“it’s the heat,” he drawls, giving it another strong pull. his biceps swell, the tattered sleeves of his t-shirt stretching around them. “it’s just a little st–”

the door suddenly shunts, rolling upwards. a rickety noise until it slams at the top.

the paw patrol glance up at the sound, wrists paused. they resume doodling when your neighbor backs up.

“thank you,” you mutter, tugging on the hem of your shirt.

you push yourself up onto the back of the truck, standing amidst the fractured bones of your old apartment. a shadeless lamp here, a box of kitchen utensils there.

the guy takes half a glance at you and double takes, eyes scanning the sea of cardboard behind you. he looks you up and down and back up again – jaw tightening when he notices your hopeful expression.

“do you mind?” you ask, lifting one of the heavier boxes. “if you got somethin’ better to do…” you glance over to his yard, the hose lying in a swirl on the lawn, “…then i understand.”

he sighs, reaching for the box. his thick arms tense when the weight shifts from your grasp to his.

“thanks!” you deliberately chirp, watching his figure swagger off to your porch.

joel miller, as it turns out, is a man of few fucking words.

his name is the most you’ve been able to get out of him – and that’s only because it’s on his mailbox. he tells you nothing else.

up close, he’s graying. the lines of a decently-aged man on his skin – that, or just a miserable asshole (perhaps both). he has a syrupy southern drawl, each word riding a wave from his tongue – but with each answer he relents, he still manages to sound fucking miserable.

he seems like he might have his uses, though. he’s got some pretty good intel on the neighborhood.

“that,” he nods to the house directly across from yours, “is steve and kris’s place. they just had a baby. some nights, you can hear the kid from over here.”

“congrats,” you mutter, following his hand as it moves across the window.

“diane,” joel says. “she’s got a dog – the thing’s a little shit.”

your chin lifts. “diane, little shit,” you echo.

he nods, tongue in his cheek. he turns, hand flicking in the direction of the tulips. “alice,” he says. “let me tell you somethin’ – if there’s anything you want broadcast to every person, pet, and goddamn mailbox in the neighborhood, she’s the one to talk to.”

“nosy, huh?”

“nosy,” he agrees.

you snicker, leaning by him to glance at the swaying flowers. “but look what good care she takes of her tulips.”

“hm. ‘s all a front, you’ll see. she’s smart with it.”

joel helps you unload the rest of the truck, sliding each box across your living room floor. outside, he passes you the last couple, and then reaches up for the door.

his tee lifts ever so slightly – flashing a sliver of skin with a smatter of hair above his belt buckle. a dark trail diving into his jeans.

the sight sears itself behind your eyelids. you drag your gaze from him, bending to scoop up the lighter of the two boxes as he jumps back down. he follows at your heel towards your house again, dropping the last box right by your front door.

he says, “you need anythin’ else, just give me a holler,” but his dry tone – and the fact he’s already halfway out the door when he mumbles it – are enough to convince you that this motherfucker never wants to see your face again.

so – you skip after him, following him to your porch steps.

“nice,” you call, watching him thud down each one, “you any good with diy? i got a shit ton of ikea stuff to build.”

he turns, bottom lip between his teeth.

your eyebrows lift, heel kicking against the wooden step. “a – shit – ton,” you repeat.

joel scoffs, shaking his head. “better get to it, then.”

he wanders back over to his lawn.

[call-sign-shark]

The Blue Hurricane and the Mustache Man|| Modern! Arthur Shelby x Reader

Summary:  Arthur almost regretted his decision to accommodate you that time he was shaving and you decided to mess with him... MASTERLIST.

general context: He's a former soldier and a drug addict trying to get better. You are an unhinged punk girl living in the streets. You weren't supposed to meet... And now Arthur's fate and yours are forever entangled.

Words: 1.4K

TW: Mention of drug use and craving, PTSD but otherwise it's funny and cute

Notes: This work is related to Pop Goes the Rat, which explains how Arthur and Reader met, as well as the whole context behind this Modern AU. However, you can read the two-part separately.

1 # The Mustache Man

“Hey old dog! Where are the ice cubes?”

You yelled from the kitchen, standing in front of the open fridge as you looked for the ingredients to make a fresh homemade lemonade. The fact remained that no one answered you. No reply. You closed the fridge and walked to the corridor, “Arthur?” You reiterated, louder, but only silence answered your call. Now you were sincerely pissed — why couldn’t he answer? After all, he was shaving in the bathroom at the end of the corridor, not in the garden or something. That was how you decided to burst the bathroom door open with one kick. Arthur jumped at the sudden loud noise, causing his razor to slip and cut his cheeks.

“Aouchhhh.” He hissed through gritted teeth.

“Hey fucker, care to reply?” You attacked him, your tiny fists on your hips, a cherry lollipop between your teeth, and the most angry pout you could make etched on your juvenile face. The soldier turned around and glared at you. He had still a bit of shaving cream from here and there on his face.

“Can‘t leave me alone for ten fookin’ minutes eh?!” 

“Where are the ice cubes?” You asked, teeth bared.

“In the bloody fridge, ye stupid brat! And, God! How many times should I tell ye to put some fookin’ clothes on?!” Arthur grunted, noticing you were only wearing an oversized t-shirt and black panties. Nothing else. 

“Hey. It’s not my fault if the temperatures are intense! Even my freakin’ vagina is sweating!” You exclaimed.

Arthur looked at you with a half-confused and half-desperate look on his face before shaking his head.  Okay, you were definitely bonkers. Straight out of the local mental hospital, he thought. Then, he noticed a second detail that made him frown,  “Wait. Is that me t-shirt?” 

“… Eeeeh. No?” 

“You stole one of me shirts.” He stated, “You live in me house for free and you steal me clothes… I swear I’m within an inch of kicking you rat ass.”  He growled, before focusing back on shaving his beard all the while mumbling and cursing you, “Fookin’ kid who annoys me the hell out… Should have let ye sleep outside,  should have never welcomed ye here I swear you’re such a pain in the ass, running half naked, stealing shits, and sleeping in me bloody bed.”  He stopped rambling when he realized you were still here, staring at him with your eyes squinted and your blue-haired head slightly tilted on the side, “What’s wrong with ye, stinky rat? Wanna fight?!” He barked, a bit more aggressively than he attended. 

“You’re forgetting plenty of hairs. And you're holding it wrong — see? You’ve plenty of small cuts on your ugly-ass face.” You said, your tone quieter than it was one minute ago. 

“Can’t you mind your own business, eh?”  

“Tsss! Lemme do it.” You did not let him have the time to react nor to truly understand your suggestion — and you did not care. What you did though was to grab him by the arm and force him to sit on the toilet lids. 

“What are ye doing?!” 

“Ah! Shut up Arthur! Shut the fuck up and stay still.” You scolded him. At first, he wanted to push you and tell you to go screw yourself, but words choked in his tight throat the moment you sat on his lap and straddled him, the weight of your small body pressing against his. Before he could even realize what was happening, you snatched the razor from him with one hand and grabbed him by the chin with the other. Arthur’s wide-opened eyes finally met yours, “There.” You finally said with a surprisingly soft voice he did not expect to hear from your foul mouth. You started to shave him, not minding the astounded expression on his face.

Surprisingly enough, the way the blade slid on his skin was so smooth he didn’t feel anything. Arthur relaxed a little bit. His brows frowned slightly as he observed you from that close. His steel-blue irises, hardened by the war and one suicide attempt, captured every tiny detail of your broken-doll face: the shape of your eyes, the juicy flesh of your lips as well as the black stains of your slightly runny makeup... Arthur sighed, his blazing breath caressing your skin. At one point, you almost lose your balance, though.

“Hey careful! Yer not a fookin’ Peaky Blinders! Don’t cut me face with blade nor slit me bloody throat!”

"Oopsie?"

"She almost sliced me and she says "hihi oopsie", tsss..."

It was how the soldier came to the conclusion that holding your hips to keep you stable was a good idea.  A weird wave of warmth blossomed in your stomach when his large and strong hands grabbed you firmly, but still, you decided to ignore it.

“Okay, I’m almost done.” You put the razor in the sink and grabbed a towel to clean Arthur’s face. Once everything was done, you pressed an annoying kiss on his cheek —he growled in response— and stood up. Somehow, he was a bit disappointed when your body left his. Still, you took two steps back to admire your masterpiece with the biggest and sharkiest smile plastered on your bratty face, “Hey Arthur. Nice mustache.”  You blurted out.

“What? OH! DON’T TELL ME YE DID THIS!” Arthur almost jumped from the toilet lid to check his face in the mirror. With one panicked hand, he started to pat his cheek while his piercing steel blue eyes looked at the horrible thing you had left under his nose, “WHAT THE FOOK.” 

You burst into a crazy ass laughter, delighted by the way he reacted to his new style. 

“Shave it off! Shave this awful mustache off! Look at me face?!” He turned to you and grabbed you by the shoulder a bit too fiercely, "I look like a fookin' grandpa!"  

“Okay okay, calm down fucker! Imma shave it. You’re so boring!” You complained, rolling your eyes and stomping the floor with your bare feet to show your discontent, "So boooring!" You reiterated. Looking forward to getting rid of the mustache, he sat a second time and let you straddle him but this time, his arms locked around your waist so strongly you could not help but yelp in surprise, “The hell you’re doing?!”

“Ain’t gonna let you go as long as you don’t shave the mustache.” The gravel in his voice was highlighted with genuine military authority, "So hurry the fuck up before I smash yer head against the wall."

“Alright, no need to be so mean.” Resigning yourself, you grabbed the razor for a second time. You were about to shave him when you stopped in the middle of your motion to look him right in the eyes though. With your brows slightly frowned, you brought your face so close to his that the top of your noses bumped together. Arthur, stunned, stopped breathing. He wanted to say something but the thing is he could not — his words didn’t want to leave his throat, petrified by the proximity between you. And, somehow, his soul didn’t want you to back off.

 Silence fell above the bathroom as your little and cold fingers grazed his upper lips. 

Boom. Boom. 

The beating of his heart quickened for each time your skin brushed his, he would feel a surge of electricity running his whole body. Had her perfume always been so sweet? He thought. Arthur gathered all his strength to focus on something else but he could not  — his steel blue irises inevitably fell on your slightly parted lips, between which he could see your tongue playing with the lollipop. A shaky breath escaped from his mouth. Gosh… How bad he wanted to kiss you. To taste the sugar of the candy straight from your flesh. 

“You should keep it.” Your voice snatched him from his thoughts.

“Eh?” Arthur said, blinking several times to get a grip on himself.

“You should really keep the ‘stache.” 

“Go fook yourself baby doll, I ain’t keeping it!” He grunted, showing his teeth like a wounded wolf. Baby doll — it had escaped from his mouth before he could even realize it 

“But it suits you well! I mean, I did it as a joke but it looks really good on you!!”

“You kid me right?” He raised a brow, “No way.” 

“Ohhhh please!! Pretty please Arthur, pleasepleaseplease!” You begged, suddenly bouncing on his lap, “pleaaaase! I'll be super nice and quiet for a whole day if you keep it just a lil' while!”

Another surge. Arthur's jaw clenched, the movements of your body making erotic thoughts dawn in his mind. “STOP THAT, EH.”  He tightened his grip on your hips to keep you from moving, his cheeks burning all of sudden for blood had rushed to his face. The soldier let out an angry sigh and looked at you, sighing. To be true, he had tried to send you off — he had really tried his best, but there was something in your adorable pout and your big shiny smile that got him on his knees, and it frustrated him even more. As annoying as you were,  he couldn’t refuse you anything because he ultimately liked the way your beautiful eyes lightened up when you smiled — or the melody of your bratty laugh, “Alright…”

“So you’re keeping it?! Really??”

“Just for the week-end. Off the 'stache goes after this delay. Got it?" He grunted, one brow raised.

"Got it. I'll obey your orders" You whispered, your fingers losing themselves in his slicked-back hair, " You know why?"

"Hm?"

"Because you're fookin' Peaky Blinders." You teased.

"... Get fucked."

♠️ Any comment, review, reblog, or constructive criticism is welcome. Your reactions really motivate me and keep me alive, so please don't be shy. English is not my first language.

♠️ Tag list: @1nterstellarcha0s

[a-writer-on-elm-street]

Apocalypse

PART 2

Pairing: Winchester!Reader x Sam x Dean

Summary: Negan takes the Winchesters to The Sanctuary.

Warnings: Some strong language, mild violence.

A/N: I think I'm going to do a part 3 to this because I'm just having too much fun with it to stop it here. Hope you enjoy part 2!

You were still struggling to grasp how you were actually in the middle of a zombie apocalypse as you followed Negan down the hall, Sam and Dean following close behind.

After basically telling you that you were screwed, Negan had offered to bring you to this place. He called it The Sanctuary. And you thought it was like some kind of hostel. It seemed fairly in order, considering the state of the world people were living in. You hoped that Negan intended to offer you refuge here. It wasn't like you had anywhere else to go.

He led you towards an office, and as you walked inside, you noticed Dean had his hand resting on his gun. You supposed it was understandable. Not only did Negan look like your father, he'd also been beating the holy hell out of a corpse when you first encountered him. It was safe to say he hadn't made the best first impression.

"So it has just occurred to me that I never asked your names." Negan said, standing at the head of the table, an amused grin on his face.

Dean was the first to step forward, gesturing to you and Sam who were now standing behind him. "I'm Dean, this is Sam and (y/n). We're hunters."

Negan shot you all a confused look. "Hunters of what?"

"Uh, demons, vamps, ghosts." Dean started listing off. "Just about anything supernatural."

Negan started to laugh then. "Do you think I'm fucking stupid?"

"What?" You asked, stepping forward slightly.

His eyes focused in on you as he leaned over the table. "You. Come over here."

Dean immediately stuck his arm out to stop you, but you just gave him a reassuring look as you walked past him and toward Negan.

He grinned at you as you stood before him, nervously wringing your hands together. It really didn't help that this man looked exactly like your father.

"You seem smart." He said, leaning closer to you. "Now, who are you?"

"What do you-"

"Who the hell are you?!" He yelled, slamming his hand down on the metal table, which caused you to flinch.

"We're the Winchesters....we...we hunt monsters." You didn't know what he wanted to hear. You were telling the truth.

"Alright, how about this." He looked in Dean's direction before you felt rough hands close around your throat. He pulled you back against him, his fingers tight around your neck as he watched your brothers. "If you don't tell me who the hell you are right now, then I might just see it fit to kill her."

He leaned in closer to you then, his beard prickling your face. "And what a damn shame it would be cuz she's kinda pretty."

"We're telling the damn truth you son of a bitch!" Dean shouted, pulling his gun out and aiming it at Negan.

Negan just laughed. "Go on, try it. I dare you."

Dean remained there with his gun in hand, but Negan wasn't backing down.

"Okay, you wanna play with your toys? I can play." He growled, and then you felt the cold metal of a blade against your throat. "You pull that trigger...and I will slit her throat."

"Dean...don't." You choked, unable to breathe as Negan tightened his grip. "Dean."

"Drop the gun." Negan ordered, his voice suddenly calm.

Dean still didn't move, but when Negan pressed the blade closer to your skin, he quickly threw his weapon down on the ground. And then Negan just...let you go.

"Was that so hard?" He asked him, a smile on his face as he picked up Dean's discarded weapon.

You all watched him as he set the gun down on the desk, still with that same grin on his face. It was like he was enjoying this.

"Now that you know who's in charge, I'm gonna ask you again. Who are you?"

"We already told you dumbass." Dean said, not as confident as he was when you first got here. "We're freakin' hunters."

"God damn!" Negan exclaimed. "You really are serious. Shit, I thought you were lying to me. I'm sorry."

"You're insane." Dean spat, which only caused another fit of laughter to erupt from the man in front of you.

Negan smirked as he stood up straighter. "Thank you."

[SERIES MASTERLIST]

[drunken-drengr]

OC Interview feat. Karrie Cadash

@dungeons-and-dragon-age yo thanks for the tag! I think for this I'll have Sera interview Karrie, that ought to be reaalll fun, for the both of them. I'll be tagging @spitfiremabari and uhhh @little-lightning-lavellan if you haven't done this already!

Bold = Sera Italic = Karrie

Introduction

Can you introduce yourself? I don't know, can I? Pfft, be serious! Serious interview! Why? Sera isn't serious. Do I know you? Come on already, so we can get this over with, yeah? Fine, fine. Well, I'm Karrie. "Herald Inquisitior,' pfft- 'Karrie "Bjornsdottir" Cadash.' I'm like, around 25, yeah? Think so.

What's your gender, orientatorpiss, and relationship status? Haha I already know all this. Beardy, hmm? Shush! I'm a woman, but honestly if I had a beard people wouldn't doubt I'm male. I am very very muscly you see. Yeah, yeah, I seeee. Eye-candy.... but, er, your tidbits would be a dead giveaway. Hard to miss, sorry. Not if my beard covered them! Ah, but anyways, I'm straight- No friggin way! I've seen the way you've looked at me. Piss off! I'll look at people however I want! ANYWAYS, straight... Don't know don't care. Not a huge fan of touchy touchy love, either. And you and I both know very well I have a thing for beards. Must be itchy when you do it. NO! Stop! Blackwall looks itchy....

Where and when were you born? Well, I was born in the Frostbacks, down South with an Avvar tribe. My Father was good friends with them, there on trading business or whatever. Carta shit. I was born on the third of Bloomingtide, 9:19 Dragon. You ever feel happy having Skyhold up here? Yeah. I didn't really grow up here, more in the Freemarches than anything, but looking out my bedroom window and seeing the mountains is... nostalgic, in a way. Feels more like home than home ever did.

What is your weapon of choice and fighting style? AXES BABY!!! Don't matter what kind! Greataxe, one handed, double axes, I'll rock your shit! Don't doubt it! You are a beast out there! Ah, didn't you become a reaver or whateva? Bull says you smell nice, heh... Yeah, drank some dragon blood, tasted like ASS KICKING- but I'm still a dwarven berserker at heart, y'know? I like to combine those two styles, makes for a mean wrecking machine! Carnage! Mayhem! Mayhem!!! We should like, totally stack up on Bull in battle one day... Do NOT let him toss me, though.

Lastly, are you happy? Well, it's the end of the world, I've been crowned leader of heretics, and I have a stupid fucking mark on my hand! Yeah I'm pretty happy. But.... jokes aside, yeah.... I guess I am happy. At least, happier than I ever was before. I didn't really have anyone before all this. I thought this shit was a curse, but it was a blessing in disguise, really. Now I have you, Blackwall, Solas... A friend, a lover, a... father... Things I never thought I'd ever have. Even if it's the end of the world, least I can spend it with you guys. Awww.... you getting sappy on me, Teeny? Yeah, don't get too used to it though, hah! Savor this while you can, Sera.

Family and Friends

What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them? You already know the answer to this, Sera. It's on the thing, sorry, but I don't control it! Fine, fine. My family was, I don't know... they were just them. Everyone was sort of different. It was just us 4, since, well, forever. Actually, we were a pretty normal family, given that my Father was the Carta's top dog. Lived in a lofty estate, Mom stayed home and took care of us kids. My Father, though, he had more of a warrior-like mindset. Maybe a noble man, gone a bit too far. He taught me to fight at a really young age, showed me all the techniques of a berserker. Maybe my Dad wasn't the best Dad in a Fatherly sense, but he was one hell of a good teacher. He was pretty cool, too... He enlisted to join the Legion of the Dead, hah! Fought down there for awhile, saw some shit, came home due to... reasons. Be glad he didn't die down there, or you wouldn't have the freakin-Herald-of-Andraste here! But yeah, I got most of what I know today from him. He raised me to be his replacement, fill in his boots when his time came to fall in battle. Taught me honor and leadership. Guess I was a bit too wild for even him, though, gave me too much freedom, because he felt it necessary to bound be down in marriage. Ugh, The Carta's not supposed to be like Orzammar! But here we are, acting like nobles with our castes, arranging marriages, blech. He always was obsessed with keeping the Cadash bloodline alive and pure. Yeesh. Just, yeesh. Yeah. My relationship with them is still broken. More with my Father than my Mother and my younger sister. Hell, I don't even know Seli that well, haah. Wasn't around to see her grow up. They've sent messages to me though, since Haven. None that I've bothered to respond to, though...

Have you ever ran away from home? Of course! At least, I tried. Ran away from the marriage, but I was inevitably caught. Carta has eyes everywhere, I tell you. Turns out, I didn't need to. They left me anyways.

Would you consider marriage or having children? Marriage? Children? Oooh yeah, ironic question given what I just told you, don't you think? So I'll take that as a no? Put that marriage option down as a maybe.

Do you secretly hate one of your friends? Yes. You. I hate you. Shut up! Joking, joking. I wouldn't be friends with my friends if I hated them!

Which friend knows everything about you? You! Well, I mean, not everything, obviously. But we're pretty close, yeah? Yeah! I know what your favorite color is, favorite booze, favorite book, favorite undergarments..... Not that close.

Asked by Fans

Are you literate? Have you been to school? What kind of fucking question is that? The kind that's on here. Of course I can read! I've gone to some academies, here and there. My Father was obsessed with my education, at least when it came to history and all things dwarven. Hell, he taught me a lot just by himself.

The eeriest prediction you made that later came true? This is gonna leave a scar.

What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize? People genuinely wanted me to lead them? What? Did you think it was some sort of inside joke? A huge prank by the Chantry? Yes!

Do you have mental health or physical issues? Look at me. Take a good long look at me, Sera. You suffer from: being short, being angry. Dude I'm like 5 inches shorter than you. I'm taller than Varric! Or like, any other dwarf! Ah, there's the anger. Y'know, they say the closer you are to the ground, the angrier you are? Stop talking.

What is your current main goal? It WAS to like, oh I don't know, reclaim House Cadash's long lost glory? Become a Paragon? Now I just wanna get the fuck off Thedas, maybe save it, depends on my mood later.

Choices

Drink or food? Depends. If it's ale, first rounds on me!

Cats or dogs? DOGS. I'm not Orlesian, anyone who isn't Orlesian loves dogs. Also, allergic to cats! Only ever had dogs. Mabaris are truly the best....

Optimist or pessimist? We'll all die eventually.

Sassy or sarcastic? Both. Both is good.

Have You Ever

Been caught sneaking out? From a wedding? Yes. So relatable.

Broken a bone? Surprisingly, no. Fractured, dislocated, sure. Never actually broke one, though. Andraste's tits, a miracle! How?!

Received flowers? Blackwall's love language is practically flowers. What a gentleman.

Ghosted someone? I am exceptionally good at that, actually. I ghosted my family for like 7 years dude.

Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get? No fuck you if I'm not laughing it wasn't funny end of story.

[soyeahitsmiddleearth]

One Weary Human

The Company x Reader

All of the company is drunk. The twist? None of them act the way you’d expect, like at all. Shy Bilbo is all flirty, chill Bofur keeps wanting to start bar fights, Kili/Fili try to be philosophical, Dwalin is the “You’re my best friend. I just love you so much, man,” type of guy, and Thorin is actually FUN and FUNNY. The reader is just sitting there feeling like she’s legitimately in the fucking Twilight Zone ---middleearth2asgard

---

You knew you should've stopped them from drinking all that ale. 

Over and over again you thought to yourself that this night won't end well if you don't put a cap on their drinking, but each time you came close to interfering you kinda just decided that letting them have fun is better. 

I mean, they've earned it so why not let them enjoy their first night out of danger after all those awful things that happened? Dragons, trolls, orcs, near-death experiences, a war, thousands of horrible things and one night to unwind and be happy. You can't very well take that away from them. 

But you really should've. 

By the time they polished off the first half of the barrel of ale they are completely wasted, and it's hard to keep track of them amidst the sea of men, other dwarves, and elves who survived the battle. 

Well, maybe not wasted since they can still talk and walk around sort of well, but they're definitely inebriated. 

You had maybe a quarter mug of drink before you realized they'll need someone to watch over them, so after that you gave up and decided to make sure none of them do anything stupid (also, ale tastes horrible so you don't wanna finish it). 

Which, to some extent, they do. 

Act stupid, I mean. 

It's just the complete opposite of who you thought it would be. 

You honestly thought that your biggest issue would be Fili and Kili, and probably Dwalin, but as it turns out they aren't even close to being a problem. 

As it turns out, your biggest issue at the moment happens to be Bofur, Bilbo, and Ori. 

Bofur is, quite literally, trying to start a fight with everybody. Bilbo won't leave you alone, and flirting with you so shamelessly. And Ori... won't stop crying no matter what you do. 

For the life of you, you don't know what to do. 

Every time you tell Bofur to calm down he tells you to square up (more or less), when you try to console Ori he cries even harder, and Bilbo... he has pickup lines for days. 

"Bofur! For the last time, sit down and stop glaring at everyone!" You snap, grabbing the back of his shirt when he starts yelling at someone for 'looking at him funny' while also patting the back of Ori's head comfortingly. 

"E-Everyone is so mean to me..." Ori sniffles and sobs, reaching up to grab onto your hand, using it to wipe his tears away like a tissue. 

You cringe but let the young dwarf do it since he's sobbing so much, and when he releases you, you turn to Bofur.

"Stop tellin' me what to do!" He shoots back angrily, though he doesn't fight you when you force him to take a seat. "Damn woman..." 

"Bilbo, please keep an eye on these two while I find everyone else." You tell the small hobbit making heart eyes at you. 

"Surely, my dear, you would much rather stay with me?" 

You kinda just stare at him for a moment before slowly saying, "Do as I say." 

He doesn't reply to that and takes a seat, listening to you surprisingly enough. 

Once that's done you slide off your chair and try to find everyone else, noticing Thorin right away since he's... doing stand up comedy?

He's standing on a table and the group that's gathered around him is laughing their asses off, telling him to give them more jokes which shocks you to your very core. This mans is the complete opposite of funny and chill. 

"And then I told him that no pretty pixie of an elf will talk to me like that!" 

The crowd around him roars with laughter and applause, and while you didn't hear the first part of his 'joke' it still doesn't humor you. 

You fight your way through the countless bodies and finally get to the table, cupping your hands over your mouth so he can hear you when you yell, "Thorin! It's time to go!"

"Y/N! I've been looking everywhere for you!" Thorin calls happily, successfully putting the attention onto you. "I've lost my nephews! Have you seen them by any chance?" 

Why is he asking you??? 

You shake your head slowly and reply, "No, why would I know where they are?" 

"Well, you certainly seem to know the whereabouts of their tongues quite well!" He calls with loud boisterous laughter while everyone around proceeds to find it funny too. 

You kinda just stand there for a moment, looking up at him blankly before your face begins to grow hot. 

Okay, you know what? No, you're not dealing with this right now. 

Very slowly you begin to back away, trying to both avoid eye contact with everyone and also trying to keep yourself from blowing up on the new king. 

Where did he get such an idea from anyway? Freaking dummy. 

"There she goes, off to another royal snogging!" 

More laughter, but you're disappeared and gone before anyone can poke anymore fun at you for something that most certainly did not happen. 

The next person you find, coincidentally, is the princes, and you're pleased to see them sitting mellowly at a table and having a conversation. 

"There you boys are! Thank god you're not drunk, if you could please help me to gather-" and then you hear their conversation and horribly slurred speech. 

"No, I'm tellin' ya, Fee, there's no way lovin' is easier than being loved. It jus' doesn' make sense." Kili tells his brother while shaking his head.

"Of course it does! When ya love then ya don' have t' worry about your own feelin' anymore, 'cause then you already know." 

Are these two really discussing the complexity of loving versus being loved? 

"An' how would you know that?" Kili asks, shaking his head back in fourth a bit too much to show his disagreement. 

"Tha's none of your busn'ess." He slurs back, pointing a finger at him accusingly. 

"How can we even be sure that it's real in tha first place?" 

"Are you sayin' you don't love me?" Fili challenges. 

Kili freaks out and shakes his head, "N-No no! Of course I do!"

"You better, 'm your brother." Fili grumbles, turning his head until he notices you, "Oh! Y/N!"

You're quiet for a moment, kinda just looking at them oddly since their conversation both makes no sense, but also makes all the sense.

They take your silence as a go ahead to continue their 'discussion' and Fili then brings up, "Well wha' about Y/N?" 

"What about her?" Kili asks back, laying his head down on the table after a moment. 

"Nnoo, 'm askin' her." 

"You didn't ask me anything." You chime in, reaching over to take their mugs from them. "You two are making no sense." 

"Wellll, I think she would rather be loved since it doesn' make sense tha' loving is easier." Kili grumbles, trying to reinforce his point through you. 

"I don't think it really matters at the moment, boys. Why don't you both come with me and we can all take a nap and sleep off our drunkenness..." 

"No! It does matter!" They both yell at the same time, successfully earning a sigh from you. 

"But-" 

"Y/N!" Someone calls excitedly suddenly. 

You turn your head slowly, but before you can put a face to the voice, someone it crushing you in a big hug. 

"Have I told you that you're an excellent woman?" The person crushing the life out of you asks, and it's at that moment that you realize it's... Dwalin. 

"U-Uh, no, not really-"

"Well, that's a shame! You're wonderful." He confirms with a quiet hiccup, holding you slightly tighter when you start to squirm. 

"Alright, thank you Dwalin but if you could please-"

"See! My point is proven." Fili slurs triumphantly, pointing at you and Dwalin. "He's havin' a ball, nd' she's freakin' out!" 

"That h-haaas nothing to do with love, Fee!" Kili grumps back, smacking Fili on the shoulder harshly. 

"Hey! Who do you think yer lookin' at!?" An all to familiar, standoffish voice bellows to your left. 

You turn your head and see Bofur trying to get some huge dude to throw some punches, and then you hear more jokes from Thorin across the room, Ori's wails, and Bilbo flirting with some other person. 

Mahal save your soul. 

"You three." You call suddenly, gaining the attention of Dwalin, Fili, and Kili (the three you thought you would be having the most problems with). "Whoever gathers the most of our friends outside gets a big prize."

Kili gasps and asks, "A big prize?" 

"The biggest prize." You confirm, feeling relieved when Dwalin lets you go. 

"What is the prize?" Dwalin asks, looking at you with a very uncharacteristic grin on his face. 

"I can't tell you, it's a secret until one of you wins." 

"Oh, I'm gonna get more than you two!" Fili calls, struggling to get up from his seat before Kili, the two pushing and shoving each other while they fight to stand. 

"No fighting or you are disqualified." You warn, wagging a finger at them.

Thank god they listen. 

---

You manage to gather the original three (Ori, Bilbo, and Bofur) and Nori, and get them outside of the party hall, trying your best to calm Bofur and Ori while Bilbo keeps on calling you beautiful and complimenting you. 

Eventually, Dwalin walks out with two dwarves. Balin (who is sober, thank god) and Dori. 

The next person to show up is Kili, and he has Bombur and Gloin. 

Finally, Fili emerges from the hall and managed to swipe Oin and Bifir.

You smile at them brightly before you realize you're one short, "Where's Thorin?" 

Fili sighs and answers, "I tried ta get 'im but he made fun of me until I left." 

That sounds about right. 

"I tried, too! But he kep' callin' me names." Dwalin grumbles while Kili nods. 

"Yea-h, he kep' pokin' fun at my beard." Kili agrees, looking at the two he gathered, "Who won?" 

"None of you, it's a tie." You reply, shaking your head.

A part of you is glad, actually that they all have the same amount, because you have no idea what the supposed 'big prize' is supposed to be. "I'll have to find a way to get Thorin, I guess..." You state wearily, already growing tired of their shenanigans. 

" 'm sorry." The three you assigned to help you say sadly, looking at you with big upset eyes. 

"N-No, it's fine! Just, keep everyone out here, okay? I'll be right back." 

---

Suffice to say you were not 'right back' at all. 

The moment you walked back up to Thorin he started making more jokes about you 'being with' different people in the original company, and very quickly does your patience wear thin. 

At some point you just lose it and end up grabbing his ear and dragging him out of the party hall while people boo at you for being a fun killer. 

Once you've successfully made him leave, you push him out the doors and do a quick headcount to make sure everyone is still there. 

You take them all to a private wing where they all have their rooms in as well as a private kitchen Bombur introduced you to. 

"Okay, good. Now that we're all gathered up in one place... Come with me to the kitchen. Lets eat a bit and have some water, okay?" 

"Is there more ale?" Dwalin asks with the same smile. 

"No!" You snap a bit angrier than you mean to, "No more alcohol for any of you."

That successfully shuts them up. 

Once everyone is seated at the table in the newly stocked kitchen, you go through the cupboards and collect some berries and bread, bringing them over to the table so they can get something in their stomachs to absorb all that alcohol. 

You give them all some chunks of bread and leave a handful or two for everyone (more for the bigger of them), then you walk off to get some water. Balin helps you out with it all (being as he's barely even tipsy), and eventually everyone has water and some food. 

It doesn't take long for everything to disappear into their stomachs, and once they've done as you instructed you start to help some of them to their individual rooms. 

Nori and Dori drag Ori to the room they share, Balin takes care of Dwalin, Bombur excuses himself and thanks you heartily, but you have to take care of everyone else unfortunately. 

First, you deal with Bifir, Oin, and Gloin, which isn't too hard luckily. 

Bifir says something you can't understand and gives you a hug before going off to bed, and Oin thanks you tiredly before closing his door. Gloin smiles at you, being less drunk then those left behind, and thanks you as well before heading off to sleep. 

Now you're left with Bilbo, Thorin, Fili and Kili, and, finally, Bofur.

When you reenter the kitchen, Thorin is laughing about something he said no doubt, and Bofur is glaring at him so angrily you're afraid he might actually hit him. 

"B-Bofur!" You call, running over to stand between them before wrapping your arm around his waist when he starts to wobble and walk towards Thorin. 

Right away he stops and leans into you, still glaring at Thorin while he wraps an arm around you in return, "Wha' is it?" 

"Come along, I'm going to take you to your room for bed. You too, Bilbo, come here." 

Bilbo has no problem walking over to you (though he does sway a bit) and stands next to you while you begin to take Bofur out of the room. "That's a good boy, come on." You usher them both out and, eventually, manage to get Bofur to his room so he can sleep it off. 

You shuffle him to his bed, and once he's seated you tell him to take off his shoes. While he does that, you swipe his hat and lay it on the bedside table, pulling his blanket back so he can lay down. 

Once he climbs in, you pull the covers up over him and pat his head, "There you are. Go ahead and sleep for me, dear, cause you're going to feel dreadful in the morning." 

He closes his eyes while grumbling something about being told what to do, of course he listens nonetheless and doesn't move or say anything else. 

You lean down and kiss his forehead lightly, then turn and leave the room. 

The door thumps softly when you shut it, and then you grab Bilbo's arm and walk with him to his room.

"You're simply stunning in this light, Y/N." Bilbo tells you, wrapping an arm around you despite being able to walk fine. "Completely breathtaking." 

"Thank you, Bilbo. Though, you're going to be mortified tomorrow. I can imagine you'll be begging for forgiveness within an hour of waking up." You comment, opening up his door so you can take him to his bed. 

"W-"

"Not a word." You cut him off quickly, knowing that he's going to say something very not appropriate, for both your sake and his. 

He climbs into bed without further coaxing, though you do have to take off his coat for him and fluff up his pillow a bit, but once he's nestled under the covers, he doesn't go to sleep. 

Instead he stares at you with baggy eyes, and smiles lightly, "You look radiant." 

"As you've said a few times, Bilbo. You spoil me." You lean down and press a light kiss to his forehead next, and when you stand up straight again he reaches up and taps your nose.

You giggle softly and grab his hand, placing it back at his side before walking over to the door. 

"Goodnight, Bilbo." 

"G'night, Y/N." 

When you arrive back at the kitchen, Thorin is gone and only Fili and Kili remain, talking about another odd topic once more. 

"Where did Thorin go?" You ask, looking around then back down the hall. 

"His head hurt, and he went to bed." Kili replies chipperly, smiling brightly. 

Well, that does make your job a fair bit easier. 

"Alright. Well, boys it's time for bed so come along." You tell them in a gentle voice, gesturing for them to come to you with a wave of your hand. 

Somehow they manage to get to their feet, but after they take a few steps it becomes painfully obvious that there's no way they'll be able to make it, like Bofur. 

Right away you go over to Kili and have him wrap an arm around your waist, and, somehow, you manage to shuffle forward with him to his brother who is looking very unstable at the moment. 

You get Fili to wrap an arm around you as well, and once you've got them both you proceed to, very slowly, shuffle your way to their room. 

At some point Kili started to press his face into your neck and Fili began to lean into you more heavily. If it weren't for the fact that you had one of them on either side of you, you probably would've toppled over. 

Eventually, you do manage to get them to their room, and once you do you bring them to their beds (there are two). 

You have them both sit down and go to light a candle, and once that's done you turn back to see if their laid down yet. Only, their both looking down at their feet as if they expect their shoes to taken themselves off. 

With a heavy sigh, you walk over to Fili and crouch down, taking off his shoes with little difficulty. "There you go, now take off your jacket and lay down." 

Fili nods his head and begins to shrug off his coat, so you turn and go to Kili, pulling off his shoes next. 

Once he's barefoot, you stand and smooth his hair back lightly, "You take off your coat too, okay?" 

"A'right." He mumbles, doing just as you said. 

You step away and take a few steps; and, once their both laying down, you go to Fili and pull his covers up to his chin. 

"Do you sleep with your braids in?" You ask quietly once he's tucked in. 

"N't my mustache ones..." He replies with his eyes closed. 

You nod, though he can't see it, and reach down and pull the clips off, placing them on the beside table so he can grab them tomorrow morning. 

Once he's settled, you lean down and press a kiss to his head, then turn and go to Kili. You're basically on a seesaw with these two, tending to one for a moment before going to the other. 

Kili is sitting up with his legs under the blanket, but when you walk over he lays down completely and waits for you to give him the same treatment as his brother. 

You grab the top of his comforter and pull it up until it covers most of his chest, and once that's done you reach behind his head and pull the clip from the back of his head, off. "Is there anything else?" You ask softly while placing his beaded clip down as well. 

"No..." 

You nod, then lean down and kiss his forehead like you've done to literally everyone else.

"Alright. Goodnight then, boys." 

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

God of War (PS4) Review: Kratos’ Postal Grief Beard Versus Norse Mythology

Once upon a time, a man was born by the name of Cory Barlog and thus a coin was flipped. Would he become a videogame developer or would he take up guarding the Mines of Moria by pulling wizards into a precipice? Those really are the only two options with a name like Barlog. Anyway, apparently the Mines of Moria were a bit of a commute, so the world gained a talented Auteur developer with a unique vision for a game series about going postal in ancient Greece. Fast-foward a number of years specifically calculated to make you feel old and ancient Greece is a distant memory. Norse mythology is where all the cool kids hang out nowadays, and that’s where we’re going in today’s review.

As you might have guessed, I’ve just finished playing God of War (PS4), which is fun to say because it rhymes. It’s a very good game that should be a very bad game. When considering modern media artefacts, I’m often prompted to ask the question ‘what went so wrong?’, but this may be the first time I’ve had to ask the question ‘what went so right?’.

Let me explain: God of War 4 (I don’t care that they don’t put the number on the box art, that’s what it fucking is) makes a single, monumentally stupid creative decision that should ruin the entire enterprise, but doesn’t. And that creative decision was- wait for it- a stab at maturity.

The last time we saw Kratos- the world’s angriest mythical being- he was finishing his battle with the Greek gods in God of War 3. There was a moment in that game which, to me, typified what was so great about the series. If I recall the sequence of events correctly, you kill your way through an ocean of expendable goons and critters who are just trying to defend their home on Mount Olympus, dripping with blood and screaming furiously, then wander into the bedroom of one of ancient Greece’s sauciest goddesses and play a sex minigame that you win by fucking her so well that her handmaids orgasm too. Then you toddle outside again and, head cleared, solve an incredibly complex and cerebral puzzle involving non-Euclidean geometry and perspective manipulation that takes bloody ages. That, in a nutshell, was the core identity of the original God of War: a gleefully unrestrained and immature approach to sex and violence coupled with a grouchy willingness to make unsuspecting players feel like fucking idiots for no reason whatsoever. It was awesome. In contrast, God of War 4 picks up many, many years later with Kratos hiding out in Midgard of the Norse mythos and, for once, he hasn’t got a nark on and he’s not trying to stick his cock in someone with cartoonishly huge knockers. He’s just sad because his missus has passed away, leaving him and their young, impressionable son alone in a big, scary world full of trolls and ginger psychopaths. ‘Sad’ isn’t a completely new emotion for Kratos, but, up until this point, he was usually sad in a way that resulted in five hundred people getting their spines broken in a very colourful manner. Now he just wants to cremate the remains of the woman he loved and carry her ashes to the tallest peak in the nine realms so he can scatter her in accordance with her final wishes. And that’s what he does, with son- Atreus- in tow. It’s a twenty-plus hour game in which the objective is very simply to honour someone’s preferred funeral rites- nothing more, nothing less. It’s very modest by Kratos usual standards. Remember that his stated goal in the previous game was to punch freakin’ Zeus so hard that his face would go all concave and then repeatedly stamp on his corpse.

We never actually find out much about what Kratos was up to between games or how he met his wife. However, he’s a bit thiccer than in previous instalments and seems to have lost the use of the ‘jump’ button outside of context-sensitive environments. On that evidence, I choose to believe he’s been running a small but successful family restaurant called ‘Kratos’ Potatoes’ and enjoying it all a bit much. And why not? He beat up Zeus- if he just wants to create and sample homely yet exotic Greco-Norse fusion cuisine while growing a ridiculous straggly dad-beard, I say let him crack on. Actually, is it a ‘dad beard’ or is it a ‘grief beard’? I think they send them to videogame characters in the post whenever a loved one dies so they can signal to the world how sad they are through the medium of angsty facial hair. But where was? Oh yeah: cracking on with it.

Y’see this is where the plot comes in: the Norse gods won’t let Kratos crack on. They’re determined to make him bow before Odin- especially Baldur, who is way too invested in having a fight with Kratos for reasons that won’t become apparent until very late in the game. They just keep turning up and trying to break Kratos and his increasingly like-him-but-not-as-good-at-it son Atreus. This time around, our heroes commit heinous acts of violence to defend themselves, not enact revenge, as they travel, inexorably, to the top of a lonely mountain through landscapes of stunning natural beauty and many, many hostile creatures.

Of course, Kratos taking his son on a hiking holiday with added troll-murder and the occasional slap-fight with Norse mythology’s biggest killjoys doesn’t sound as interesting as the original games. After all, those were basically a production of Kill Bill in which the part of Bill was played by a guy with the power to summon lightning bolts and access to a seemingly unstoppable army of monsters and demigods. The ‘fun factor’ even seems to have taken another downgrade, in that Kratos no longer operates with the entertainingly demented passion of the insane: he has been tempered by time and love and managed to turn himself into a paragon of serious self control. So why is God of War 4 so bloody good? Partly, I suspect, the answer lies in the constantly evolving relationship between Kratos and Atreus, which gives the story an unbelievable amount of heart and always manages to feel very organic. Kratos never learned how to be a parent, and we essentially watch him do it in real time, forming a bond with his son that seems impossible at the start of the game and inevitable by the end. Partly, the games greatness lies in the characters you meet along the way, who range from bickering dwarves to talking, decapitated heads who prattle on like laid-back tour-guides. Partly, it’s in the beautiful, epic landscapes that make the journey across the Realms to the highest peak feel epic and significant, even while it is small and personal.

But a videogame is nothing without gameplay, and it is here that God of War 4 really shines. I loved the original God of War trilogy (especially the third instalment), but I rarely felt like I was playing as, y’know, a god of war. Kratos might not be an uncontrollable whirlwind of fury any more, but he feels truly powerful for the first time in the ongoing series. In fights, every punch feels like it could crack stone; every axe-throw like it could rend the sky; every chain-whip like it could legitimately start a forest-fire. Out of combat, Kratos moves around the environment with the stolid grace of a man who knows his movements are inevitable; irresistible; an imposition on the environment that can’t be denied. You climb and complete elaborate, complex traversals knowing that the satisfaction you feel isn’t just the satisfaction of finding the correct route or solving an obstacle, but the satisfaction of a being forcing his way through a landscape that resists him at every turn but cannot stop him. The puzzles- of which there are many- strike the perfect balance between conceptual trickiness and ease of execution to remind you that Kratos is smart as well as determined; that his mind is as indomitable as his body. Then there are the little touches involving heaving huge stone pillars and similar unnecessarily over-the-top efforts. In short, the gameplay is interwoven with who Kratos is- with what he is in way that seems completely unprecedented. Even the RPG elements feel  appropriate: they reflect the protagonist’s growing confidence in a skillet he hasn’t used in a long, long time.

Do I miss the uniquely juvenile, over the top identity of the old games? Absolutely: I’m a great fan of gratuitous gore and scantily clad women with big fuck-off swords. Usually, I find the desire for maturity in games to be a silly, pretentious trend that foolishly eschews anything obviously ‘fun’ for no reason other than courting the respect of people whose respect isn’t worth having. But I don’t think that’s what’s going on here- at least, not entirely. The developers of the God of War games are clearly artisans and craftsmen of extreme talent: their attention to detail is superb and their ability to weave a good tale from a simple premise is actually a little daunting for someone who considers himself a bloody good story-teller. It’s worth remembering that the de facto head of the studio, Barlog, became a father himself before commencing work on this game about a father learning to bond with his son. It feels personal and meant because it is. Other games might reach for superficially mature themes like family and redemption for altogether cynical reasons. God of War 4 does it because such thoughts are clearly much on the developer’s mind. I asked already ‘Do I miss the identity of the old games?’ and the answer is still yes. But that question deserves a follow-up: am I willing to embrace the identity of this new, quieter God of War anyway? And yes, yes I am.

But if we could have a few more women with enormous knockers and Kratos going properly batshit just once or twice in the next sequel, that would also be welcome. I mean, let’s try to strike a balance here, people, for pity’s sake.

[doc-pickles]

i saw mommy kissin’ santa claus

Hello! And welcome to “Festive Fridays with Two Dumb Bitches So Dumb They Can’t Stick to the Schedule They Make for Themselves” featuring me and @odd-birds-and-booksellers We wanted to find a day of the week for December to post our Christmas fics on and decided on Thursdays (this was originally titled ‘Two Dumb Bitches Thursday’ but we are both terrible procrastinators so now we have that fancy new title up there)

Will you get posts on Thursdays? Fridays? Who knows! But we’ve both committed to posting once a week every week of December with a fun festive fic! (Please don’t come to our inboxes and hound us about them, we yell at each other enough as it is and Lay is mean.....)

Anyways this is my first fluffy fic entry of the month and it’s definitely not inspired by real life events. Hope you enjoy! :) 

(also this is not my best work because i’m sleep deprived and also my pregnancy brain is not letting me write how i normally do soooo cut me some slack please and thanks)

“Karev!”

Both Jo and Alex turned at the sound of Bailey’s voice behind them, the woman looking expectantly at Alex. Now that he wasn’t a young resident, Bailey rarely evoked a feeling of fear in him but today her stern voice had him racking his brain for anything he’d done wrong recently.

“What can I do for you, Chief?”

“Doctor Peterson retired earlier this year,” Bailey waited for either Jo or Alex to make a connection from her words, but both stared blankly at her instead. “Doctor Peterson used to dress up as Santa every year for the Peds Ward Christmas party. Since he’s no longer available, I need a replacement.” 

Jo’s eyes lit up in delight as she turned to Alex who wore an unamused expression, “Absolutely not, I am not putting on that ridiculous costume.”

“Oh c’mon! It’s for sick kids Alex,” Jo settled a hand onto her husband's arm as she batted her eyelashes at him. “It’ll be fun! You should do it!”

Alex looked between his wife and his boss, Jo smiling excitedly at him while Bailey fixed him with a glare. A groan left him as he realized he didn’t have a say in the matter, “Fine I'll do it. But I’m not happy about it.” 

Jo let out an excited squeal as Bailey thanked him, walking away with a satisfied smirk. Turning to his giddy wife, Alex wrapped his arm around her waist and leaned down to whisper in her ear, “You better make this worth my damn while.”

“What, do you want me to come and sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what I want for Christmas,” Jo rolled her eyes, but Alex kept his gaze fixed on her. “You’re serious? You really are a pervy old man sometimes I swear.” Alex swatted at Jo’s ass playfully as she walked away from him. If she hadn’t happened to be standing next to him when Bailey asked he wouldn’t have caved so easily. His eyes narrowed at the thought, knowing that at least one of the women had planned that out. 

“Stupid freakin’ Santa costume…” 

+

There was a reason that he’d avoided the Christmas party for the Peds ward all these years and he finally realized why. Alex was surrounded by dozens of sugar high children who hadn’t seen outside of the hospital walls in weeks. He loved his job and working with kids, but he rarely had to deal with them when they were running around and screaming at the top of their lungs.

“Well you look like you’re having a great time,” Meredith sidled up to Alex, chuckling as she pulled on his fake beard. “The white doesn’t look so bad on you, maybe by next Christmas you won’t even need the fake beard.” “Oh shut up, I’m only here because Jo made me come. And she hasn’t even bothered to show up and make things around here more enjoyable,” Alex grumbled as he swatted away Meredith’s hand. He’d been sitting with kids on his lap for almost an hour and a half now, asking them what they wanted for Christmas and listening to their lists. “I’ve got fifteen minutes left before I can go home and drink beer and I can’t wait.”

“I’ve gotta go find my kids in this madness, but it looks like you have another visitor,” Meredith gestured to the little girl patiently waiting to meet Santa, bright blue eyes staring up at Alex in awe. “Have fun Santa!”

As soon as she was gone, the little girl bounded up to Alex and settled herself onto his lap, a gap toothed grin appearing on her face. Alex recognized her as one of his own patients, five year old Lauren who had a gastrointestinal problem that kept her in the hospital for weeks at a time, “Hi Santa!”

“Hi Lauren,” Alex almost chuckled at Lauren’s wide eyed expression when she realized that ‘Santa’ knew her name. “What do you want for Christmas?”

“I want a Barbie dream house and a pink glitter ballerina Barbie too,” Lauren was full of giggles as she relayed her wish list to Alex. Her expression softened however and she leaned in close to him, whispering her next words. “And I want my tummy to feel all better so I can go home and have a real Christmas. Christmas in the hospital is no fun.” Alex’s heart broke at the little girls words, realizing just how much of a toll being here was taking on such a young girl, “You know what, I think your doctors will do their very best to get you home for Christmas so you can play with all your new Barbies. How does that sound?” Lauren’s face lit up at Alex’s words, her arms wrapping around his neck as she giggled in delight. A string of thank yous left her as she hopped off Alex’s lap and reunited with her mother, who sent an appreciative wave in his direction. 

“Well aren’t you the best Santa in the world,” Alex turned at the sound of Jo’s voice, holding back an eye roll as she lifted her camera to snap a photo of him. “See, I told you it wouldn’t be that bad! Your mom is going to love that photo, I hope she puts it on the mantle.” “Did you come here for any reason besides to mock me,” Alex grumbled. “I’m almost done with this and then I’m never doing it again no matter how much you beg.” Alex couldn’t help but smirk at Jo’s amused expression. She looked so happy that he was doing this, like it had made her whole year. If nothing else, Jo’s excitement made the stupid gig worth it.

“Well I came here to tell Santa what I want for Christmas but if he’s too grumpy…,” Alex reached for Jo’s hand, pulling her into his lap as she laughed at his antics. 

“Now what do you want for Christmas,” Alex pressed his face into Jo’s neck, more laughter coming from her at the feel of the fake beard against her skin. “I’m sure Santa would be more than happy to oblige.”

“You realize you’re trying to talk dirty to me at a children’s party right,” Alex pinched Jo’s leg at her remark, a squeal leaving her as she jumped. “Okay okay, what I want for Christmas is… a baby.”

“A baby?”

“Yes a baby,” Jo grinned widely, leaning in close to Alex with a twinkle in her eyes. “I want you to knock me up. Preferably not wearing the Santa costume.” 

Alex stared dumbly up at his wife for a moment, her grin never fading as she watched him process what she’d said. A baby… Jo wanted to have kids. Kids with him.

“You know there’s easier ways to say that you want to try for a baby,” Alex chuckled as he leaned up to kiss Jo, his fake beard getting in the way of his attempt. “C’mon let’s go home, I finished my duty for the day. Maybe if you’ve make it on the nice list I’ll put in a good word for you with Santa.” A string of giggles left Jo as she watched Alex try and sneak out of the room, instead getting ambushed by almost all of the kids that were running around. After a quick goodbye and a promise to work hard on their wishes, the pair finally made it out of the room, Alex turning to Jo with a grin, “You want one of those? You sure?”

“More than anything. Now kiss me,” Jo pointed upwards to the doorway where a sprig of mistletoe hung. “It’s tradition.”

+

“I can’t believe you volunteered to do this this year,” Meredith stared dumbfoundedly at Alex, who sat in his chair with a smirk peeking through his fake beard. “Seriously, are you feeling okay? You couldn’t stop complaining last year.” “Would you pipe down, it’s different this year,” Alex shrugged, waving at one of the kids that ran by. “I wanted to spread some Christmas cheer to sick kids, is that so wrong?” “Don’t listen to him, he didn’t want some ‘germy mall Santa’ to hold Peyton for photos,” Meredith turned at the sound of Jo’s voice, a grin lighting up her face as she took in the sight of the small baby cradled in the baby sling across Jo’s chest. “Although the peds ward of a hospital can’t be much better.”

“Stop whining and come over here,” Alex held his arms out, expecting Jo to hand the baby to him but instead having her sit across his lap. “Really? You’re gonna sit on my lap again?”

Jo shrugged, pressing a kiss against his cheek as Alex reached up to uncover the baby’s face, “I figured my Christmas wish came true last year, might as well go again.” “Listen I love you but this one barely sleeps through the night as it is,” Alex gestured to Meredith, who was smiling at the happy family with her phone in hand. “Now would you smile so we can have a semi decent first Christmas photo for our daughter.” Jo and Alex both wore bright smiles as they looked at Meredith, the two month old between them not even batting an eyelash as she slept soundly on her mom’s chest. The warm feeling in Jo’s chest almost made her tear up, thinking to just the year before when her husband had begrudgingly put on a Santa costume to please her. This year he had eagerly gone through the motions, excited to create memories with their daughter without a care about all of the patients that came with the deal.

“What’s on your mind? You have that blissed out look on your face,” Alex’s fingers on her cheek snapped Jo out of her daze, her lips coming down to press against his briefly.

“Nothing, just thinking about how lucky I am and how much I love you.” “I love you too, but you can’t just kiss me like that,” Jo’s brows furrowed as she took in Alex’s serious expression. “The kids are watching! What are they gonna think when they see you kissing Santa like that? I’ll get a bunch of angry letters.” “You’re the worst, Karev.”

[snexy-the-snail]

FE FI FO FUM

It's come to my attention that fe fi fo fum isnt fully uploaded. So here you go complete story! @guiltydyslexicteen helped with this one <3))

Peter wasn't sure how he got talked into playing a game with Morgan but he wasn't going to complain too much, she was pretty cute after all. Besides, it was a good chance to associate the instinct with fun and safety. 

He liked his mentor and all but the first time he had been tucked away wasn't fun at all, actually, he had avoided Tony for a while after that. Even if he had been semi-okay with it at the time it still had given him a bit of a scare.

It definitely made him stay away from the avengers for the time being as well, he liked them and all but he wasn't too keen on being squashed down into their stomachs every three seconds. He wasn't sure what it was about him that screamed 'eat me' but it extended to the affected people on the streets as well,  which was utterly terrifying to be completely honest.

Currently he was sneaking around a giant house with Morgan, trying to avoid their giant da- to avoid Morgan's giant dad. Not his dad, Morgan's. 

"Fe fi fo fum, I'm gonna put you in my tum!" 

Man, Peter would never get over the silly voices Mr.Stark would do for Morgan, he found himself smiling as Morgan squealed quietly with laughter. 

"We gotta hide 'pidey!" Morgan whispers a bit loudly. Peter shakes his head fondly and just scoops the kid up making his way to hide under a cabinet. His spider-sense definitely made this game a lot easier, it was constantly thrumming under his skin, spiking when his mentor got a little too close for comfort.

"Alright Mo-mo we're hiding, do you think the giant will find us now?" He asks keeping his voice low. He had no idea if Mr.Stark could hear them or not but he wasn't going to take any chances. He'd like to win thank you very much. 

"Maybe, daddy is very good at finding," Morgan says playing with his hoodie strings. apparently, She didn't seem too bothered by the whole instinct happening, then again Mr.Stark probably had better control with her. He felt slightly jealous of her at first but figured it was better that she hadn't been scared by her dad.

"Maybe you'll win this time?" Peter suggests with a small smile, creeping around the corner to hide under the cabinet with Morgan still settled in his arms. He totally wouldn't have been able to do this without his powers. Though,  he probably would've still been hiding under the dresser.

"Nah, Daddy always wins, it's 'kay though cause it's super fun!" Morgan says grinning widely. Peter wanted to remind her that he wasn't exactly all human and could easily win if he tried, but his senses screamed at him and the floor started to vibrate. He nervously headed more under the cabinet for more shelter. There was no way his mentor had heard them...right?

He wasn't gonna lie, being on the floor when they were this small was terrifying. Anything could take them out, even the rumba. He loved that little robot but it wasn't fun when it tried to vacuum him up. 

Morgan giggles quietly. Peter noticed a pair of shoes slowly coming into view. Clearly, He and Morgan had very different viewpoints on this game. 

"Where could they be? Are they behind the bread?"  Tony asks loudly. Peter shudders slightly. He knew that tone, that was the 'I know exactly where you are' tone. Morgan was right,  Mr.Stark was pretty good at finding. Maybe it was that father's instinct? Either way, they were going to be found.

"Shh, he’s gonna find us," Morgan whispered loudly. Peter loved her, he did, but they desperately needed to work on her whisper voice. No wonder she always lost, she wasn't exactly the quietest kid to ever grace the earth.

-

Quietly, Peter stepped backward. One foot behind the other, he clutched Morgan like a teddy bear and reached the back cabinet leg. Nothing was stopping him from walking up it. Soon, they were both on the top underside of their temporary hiding space. Morgan's hair now in Peter’s face as he tried to reposition her. 

Meanwhile Tony stopped to smirk at their antics. Peter certainly made this game more entertaining for him. Not that Morgan made it boring, but when the other kid could freakin' detect him coming from a mile away, that added a twist for sure. Slowly and surely he turned to face the cabinet, twisting on his heels as he went. 

“Kids, you’ve outdone yourselves,” He knelt on one knee “hiding from the hungry giant in the kitchen.” He leaned down to peer under the cabinet, making a point of thoroughly investigating the floor. 

“I’d call that Irony genius guys, except… I'm pretty clever too.” He let his gaze drift upwards to both amused and terrified faces. Stuck to the ceiling, Peter gave a kind of grimace while Morgan happily waved at her father. 

“Hi Hungry giant!” She called “please don’t eat us! We’re just kids!”

“Oh, well you see. Children are my favourite snack.” Tony replied matter-of-factly “You’ll have to give me another reason.”

“We don’t taste very good!” Morgan reasoned.

“Yeah, Mr. Stark! We’ve been under this dusty cabinet the whole time!” Peter added while giving Morgan an encouraging nod. 

“Nice try! I know for a fact the Roomba can fit under there.” Tony responded playfully.

Tony’s hand reached under the cabinet and towards both of them. Peter tried and failed to scamper away, but Morgan had decided to become a ragdoll all of a sudden. It was a choice between dropping her or escaping. 

“Fe Fi Fo Fum! You kids can’t run!” Tony bellowed “At least not for long.” Soon he had a hand around the two, and Peter had decidedly not unstuck himself. Not wanting to hurt the kid, he tried another approach. Keeping one hand on top of them, he changed his grip and started to gently pull Morgan from his grasp. As soon as Peter knew what he was doing, he let go. The heap of kids landed in Tony’s palm. 

While Tony brought them up to his face, Peter readjusted to sit cross-legged, Morgan in his lap. 

“Noooooooooooo!” Peter called “Giant please let us go!”

“Yes! Please giant!” Morgan echoed.

“Aw, look at you two,” Tony smirked at them when they were level with his face “So cute! I could eat you up!”  

Before they could protest Tony plucked Morgan from Peter again and licked her. Peter cringed as she giggled. That’s one thing he couldn't get over, the licking, for some reason that was the weirdest part to him. 

Morgan was giggling like crazy, fitting in desperate pleas to be spared. None of them had any heart behind them though. Because really, she didn’t mind all that much. Being tucked away with her dad always made her feel safe, and it was always a bonus when Pete was there!

Eventually Tony let her have a breather before he finally put her in his mouth. Tony always treated her delicately, even more so than Peter. She was very fragile, and of course Tony knew it. Even if she wasn’t it wouldn’t have made a difference. Morgan was his kid and it was clear to anyone he loved her more than anything. 

Morgan sat in the darkness of her father's mouth. Pinned to the top. she couldn't move, and her breathing grew more rapid. Desperately trying to comfort his kid, Tony started lapping at her, but to no avail. When he was out of ideas he opened his mouth and took out his child. Holding her tightly, despite the slime. Tony stared in mute horror until she calmed down. Peter swung over to the hand holding her. 

“Daddy!” Morgan exclaimed between gasps for air “You forgot to let me crack my glow stick!”

Tony stood there computing for a second. 

SHIT

“Oh my god Honey I am so so sorry!” he loosened his grip on her “your glow stick, how could I forget” She started taking it out of her pocket. 

“Mo-Mo, you know monsters can’t get you when you're with Mr. Stark right?” Peter asked her 

“I know Petey! But the dark is still scary” 

“Why?” 

“I dunno, it just is” a frown crept onto her face 

“Kiddo, can you crack your glow stick?” Tony asked after a moment.  Morgan nodded and did what she was told. The blue light was barely noticeable in the brightness of the kitchen, but it was there. “Are you okay to go back?” Tony delicately questioned. Morgan nodded again and stuck the glow stick around her wrist. 

She was placed into his mouth and held once more, this time Tony swallowed. Peter watched the lump go down his throat and Tony trace it with his free hand. Peter crawled down Tony’s arm and leaped to his stomach, just in time for Morgan to arrive. Shivers ran down his spine when Tony swallowed thickly again. Morgan landed with an audible ‘oof’. 

Yep. Still unsettling. 

“You okay kiddo?” Tony softly asked as he put a hand beside were Peter was. He felt her push against him.

“I’m okay daddy!” She called back. 

“Oh. well, see, Spider-boy?” Tony made a grab at Peter but he yelped and dodged. “It’s not so bad” another grab and dodge “you just have to cooperate” on the third try he managed to grab the kid. “Wow you really are resistant today” 

Peter managed to squirm away from his grip and crawl onto the back of his hand. 

“It’s just not a top priority to end up in your gut Mr. Stark” Peter snarked back. 

Tony brought Peter up to his face and hugged him against his cheek. His beard lightly tickling Peter. He could feel Peter practically vibrating with nervous energy. 

As much as he hated making the kid anxious, he was damn well going to have to get used to it. ‘Cause that stupid voice in his head was really going off right now.

Eat

Him

Eat him

Eat him

Eat

Protect 

“You know you love it sometimes,” Tony’s smile could be heard through his words “not always, but sometimes ”

Peter wasn’t allowed to speak before Tony put him into his mouth. He was pinned to its roof and gently pushed around. His hair dampened by the saliva as he lay face down on the plush tongue.  He still found it gross, anyone would, but he would be a liar if he said it wasn’t calming coming from Mr. Stark. Eventually, the adrenaline died down and Peter stopped shaking. Tony gave him one last squeeze against the roof of his mouth. Comforted by the weird version of a hug, Peter eased his tense muscles as best he could. 

The deep swallow reverberated through Peter's mind as pressure was rolled onto his face and shoulders. Then his torso. Then his whole body. 

Squished in Mr. Stark's throat, Peter focused his mind on the booming heartbeat he drew closer to. When Tony first saved his life at Stark expo, he never imagined he’d be so close to his idol. 

Peter had to laugh at the fact he was now traveling down his gullet. Not even for the first time. 

Another tight ring rolled up his body after a second swallow from Tony.  Peter made a point of sticking to the ‘ceiling’, because as expected, Morgan was right in the landing zone. 

Frankly, all of it was landing zone, and Peter was meer inches away from Morgan from their perspective. Despite their proximity, Morgan narrowly managed to weasel out of the way. Peter dropped with a squelch onto the stomach floor. 

Peter went back to his cross-legged position, just barely able to sit up. He hoisted Morgan from leaning on his side to sitting in his lap. Tony started to rub at the both of them ever so gently. 

“Are you kids okay?” Tony asked. Morgan answered before Peter could compute the question.

“I’m okay daddy!” She called back, “ ‘pidey’s okay too” Morgan raised her glow stick hand to the slick flesh and pushed against it. Tony pushed back with one light finger. 

And with that, the spider-sense stopped tingling. The thrumming under his skin eased. The hair on his arms went down. Peter leaned back into the soft flesh. He let the noise of Tony’s body overpower his thoughts. 

“Pete? Kiddo?” Mr. Starks concern snapped Peter out of his haze. “I just want to hear from you, went limp”

“M-fine Mr. Stark” Peter replied “I’m just… I’m just tired”

“Alright Spiderling... I could use an afternoon nap” Tony patted at them “I just had a pretty hefty lunch after all” He started to stroke deep circles into their side. “Morgan, you okay in there? Are you going to nap too?” 

When she didn’t answer Peter looked down and tapped her shoulder.

Morgan had already fallen asleep. Lulled by the comforting sounds of her father all around and the security of both him and her unofficial brother holding her close. 

All Peter could think was 

Adorable. Tiny child is freaking adorable.

He could feel Tony start to tense around them both making their cramped space even smaller.

Stretching out his tired legs as far as he could Peter started to gently push at the muscle:

.- .-.. .-. . .- -.. -.-- / .- ... .-.. . . .--.

ALREADY ASLEEP

Peter adjusted Moran as he felt Tony’s body ease. He heard a mild chuckle as they both started to sway. Leaning back into the soft comfort that was Tony Freakin’ Stark's stomach, Peter clutched slumbering Morgan tight to his chest.  Gravity changed once more and Peter let his eyes drift closed.

Tony had sauntered over to the well-worn couch and sunk into the comforting cushions. Kneading at his stomach until he felt Peter's breath slow. Until he was confident Peter was asleep. His vision faded as he dozed off. Only awoken briefly when Pepper joined him on the couch. Together, the Stark family took an afternoon nap, in their weird unique  way. 

And as for the hungry giant

He was satisfied 

For now 

[fishoutofcamelot]

(for the ask thing) any book/tv show/movie/song recommendations?

BRO! I heckin got you man! Now, I’m gonna skip the song and book recommendation bit because that sorta thing isn’t really my scene. BUT! In terms of TV? My rec list is like a mile long. I’m gonna include a read-more line, actually. 

BBC Merlin: You know I had to put this on the list. But the fact that you’re on my blog means you’ve probably watched this one, so I won’t go into detail about it. Available on Netflix

Mob Psycho 100: Just a cute, sweet story about a bunch of psychic kids trying to kill each other. A story with this much fighting has no right to be so wholesome. Mob is just a good boy, he doesn’t deserve all this! Fair warning, its messages about identity, self love, and growth WILL make you feel Emotions. Available on various anime pirating websites

Red vs Blue: The found family game is SO strong in this one. By far the best found family plot/dynamic I have ever and will ever experience. The characters are all so solid, yknow? Like it took me three rewatches to understand the plot, but I didn’t even care because I loved the characters SO MUCH. It’s also really, really funny (although some of the jokes have aged a bit poorly tbh). Basically about a bunch of space marines who goof off and accidentally dismantle corrupt governments along the way. Available on Youtube

Supernatural: Is it cringey? Yeah. Does the fandom suck? Also yeah. Is Destiel overrated? BIG yeah. But it’s got monsters, magic, family, and a plot that doesn’t revolve around romance - and really, what more could you ask for? And sure, a lot of people don’t really like the later seasons, but idk I actually prefer them. Season 15 has me THRIVING. I mean come on - character vs author?! Fighting the guy who literally wrote you into existence because he doesn’t want to give your story a happy ending?! Say what you will about Supernatural, but it’s one of the most imaginative shows I’ve ever seen. Available on Netflix

Avatar the Last Airbender: You like stellar animation, intricate worldbuilding/magicbuilding, and a perspective on war that is surprisingly mature for a kids show? Check it out. This show is without a doubt one of the best animated series of all time. Go on. Watch it. It’ll change your life. Available on Netflix

The Umbrella Academy: Time-travelling assassins. Superheroes. Ghosts. Talking monkeys. Murder mysteries. Baller soundtracks. This show will never give you what you expect. I don’t even think I could properly describe it to you. Available on Netflix

Detective Conan: An anime. It’s about a teen detective - think Nancy Drew but bloodier - who witnesses a crime and is fed an experimental poison in order to keep him from telling anyone. But instead of killing him, the poison turns him into a 6-year-old. So now he’s got to solve crimes and take down a criminal organization while in the body of a child. Naturally, shenanigans ensue. Fair warning, the main character becomes a bit of a Mary Sue in later episodes, but the first 300 or so are pretty fun. A few episodes are available on Netflix, but not any of the good ones. You’ll need an anime pirating website for that

Knives Out: My favourite movie ever, of all time. It’s a murder mystery that both subverts and pays homage to its parent genre in all the right places. It’s funny, it’s intelligent, and has a spectacular ending! Although I do wish the fandom would stop being so horny for Ransom, I mean he’s literally racist...No clue where you can find this tbh, I saw it in theatres

Derry Girls: Now I’m not normally a big fan of realistic fiction/sitcom stuff. Despite how funny they are, I’ve not even watched The Office or Parks and Rec because that normal daily life stuff just doesn’t peak my interest. And yet, somehow this story about a group of Irish high schoolers just has me enthralled. Very funny, very well-written, give it a watch. Available on Netflix

Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood: Another anime. Phenomenal animation? Check. Fascinating plot and characters? Check. Detailed magic system that gets my lore-obsessed heart fluttering? Big heckin check. So basically two kids try to use Fantasy Science to bring their mom back to life, only the experiment fails and has some pretty nasty consequences - one boy loses his arm and leg, while the other loses his entire body and has his soul bound to a suit of armour. Now they gotta go through government conspiracies, ethical dilemmas, and Daddy Issues to try and get their bodies back. Available on Netflix

The Disastrous Life of Saiki K: Yet another anime. I know, I know, I’m a nerd, get over it. This show doesn’t have a complex plot or even complex characters, tbh, but what it does have is some amazing humour. It’s extremely funny, and it’s also just a nice show to kick back and relax to. Basically this guy who’s so op that he could rewrite the laws of reality on a whim is stuck dealing with relationship drama in high school despite being very, very asexual and very, very tired. Mostly he just uses his powers to avoid people and eat junk food, which is honestly a mood. Available on Netflix

Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated: Honestly I’d recommend almost anything that’s Scooby Doo-related because that was my childhood obsession. I used to have like 20 of the movies on DVD before my mom gave them all away. To this day I still love Scooby Doo, and watch it whenever I get the chance. But if you ask any SD fan, they’ll probably tell you that Mystery Incorporated is the best, most intelligent, most creative installment in the franchise. And they’re right (although I do wish there was less relationship drama...) Available on Netflix

Evil Genius: This is a documentary series about the Collar Bomb Robbery. Now, despite what the above list might indicate, I actually watch a LOT of documentaries, and if I were here to recommend all of them then we would be here all day. Not really ‘funny’ like the other entries on this list, it’s actually rather tragic, but definitely a cerebral viewing experience. Available on Netflix

Screwball: Now this is a documentary that IS funny. It’s about drug scandals in baseball. But the dramatic scene re-enactments are done with child actors that are all wearing fake beards and pretending to be drug dealers. It’s not only a fascinating subject, but it’s got amazing editing and visuals that have me in awe. Available on Netflix

Behind the Curve: Yet another documentary. This one’s about the rise of the Flat Earth movement. You’ll spend most of the time on the verge of having a stroke because of how stupid it all is. Available on Netflix

The Movies That Made Us: Okay okay okay last documentary on the list I swear. This one’s exactly what it says on the tin. It’s a series talking about the behind-the-scenes production of iconic movies like Home Alone and Ghostbusters. I eagerly await the second season. Available on Netflix

Monster Factory: If you’re familiar with the McElroy brothers and their brand of humour, you’ll love this. Griffin and Justin team up to make the most disturbing avatars they can create using video game character creators. The origins of the Final Pam meme. If I had a shirt with a quote from Monster Factory on it, I’d die a happy man. Available on Youtube

Baman Piderman: The dumbest show I have ever watched, but it’s so adorable and stupid and I love it so much. It doesn’t really have a plot, but later episodes allude to the presence of one and I’m upset because there are so many mysteries/questions hinted at and we’ll never get answers because it’s been abandoned. PLEASE watch it. Available on Youtube

Stranger Things: Okay, season 2 was a bit of a let-down imo, but season 1 was ICONIC and the Scoops Troop subplot in season 3 deserved its own freakin spinoff. I’m not joking. I didn’t even like s3 all that much, but the only reason it’s my favourite is because the Scoops Troop plot was so great. People call this show ‘horror’ but I don’t think it’s scary enough for that, although it is admittedly kinda spooky. If you like 80s nostalgia and the horror aesthetic, then I’d give it a watch (Do it for Scoops Troop. Do it for Robin). Available on Netflix

Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart: Despite my overwhelming love for this film, I’ll be the first to admit it’s kinda mediocre. The plot is weird and the romance feels forced, but despite its flaws it manages to be one of my favourite movies. Mostly I just like it for the unique concept and beautiful ending. Also the music is off the par man. Probably because the writer/producer of the movie was the lead singer for a French band called Dionysus (what? I do my research). Available on Netflix

Wakfu: I haven’t seen past season 3, but so far it’s pretty good. You go in thinking it’s just a wholesome action/adventure show about a kid who can create portals - but then it just. Sucks you in. From its bopping theme song to its fantastic found family to the unique worldbuilding, you very quickly fall in love with it. It’s got a cool plot and also talking dragons, and it doesn’t get better than that. Available on Netflix

Mystery Skulls Animated: Technically not a TV show so much as it is a series of animated music videos with a plot, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t one of the greatest things of all time. It’s basically Scooby Doo but if Shaggy got possessed by a demon and killed Fred, causing Fred to become a ghost hellbent on revenge-killing Shaggy in return. And if Scooby was an ancient Japanese spirit that bit off Shaggy’s arm, forcing him to wear a metal prosthetic. Yeah, MSA is wild. It’s only got three videos out so far, with a fourth one coming out this October, but there’s already so much lore! Available on Youtube

Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared: Ah yes, yet another cringey entry on this list. But you know what? Cringe culture is dead!!! And despite its fandom being...like that...DHMIS really is a cool show. Think if Sesame Street was like haunted or something. The episodes about creativity and telling time remain the most unsettling, imo. Definitely worth a watch. Available on Youtube

Inanimate Insanity: Oh boy. Am I seriously recommending you dip your little fingies into the object fandom? Yes. Yes I am. This show is so obscure it makes freakin Detective Conan look popular. At its core it’s a parody of Total Drama Island and Survivor but with anthropomorphized inanimate objects as characters (hence the name). Season 2 is actually really, really good and surprisingly competent. You just gotta get through season 1 first. Available on Youtube

The X-Files: Wow, a live action series on this list? Who woulda thought??? But seriously, this show is really fun. Memes and jokes aside, I love it. Scully and Mulder are fun characters with great chemistry (both platonic and romantic), the Lone Horsemen are hilarious, and every episode is a unique adventure into the most creative acid trips the human mind could conceive of. Phenomenal from start to finish (if you ignore the last season). I have no clue where you would watch this. Pirate it, probably

Buzzfeed Unsolved: Two idiots investigate cold cases and haunted locales while being utter dumbasses about it. You know the “hey demons it’s be ya boi” meme? That came from these guys. Available on Youtube

Kingdom: Ngl, I didn’t go into this expecting zombies. Or for it to take place during Korean feudalism, for that matter. But mediocre dubbing aside, this show has such a clever concept. It takes the zombie apocalypse genre and gives refreshing, unique twists to old tropes that they feel like something new. Seo-bi is my wife and she deserves all the love and appreciation in the world, and those are just Facts. Available on Netflix

My Hero Academia: Superhero high school anime. I personally am not a fan of later episodes/arcs, but the first three seasons are pretty dang good. Diverse, colourful ensemble cast that you easily grow to adore, interesting commentary on disability (although I’m not qualified to give any actual takes on that), and a school curriculum that makes me very, very concerned for the wellbeing of these children. Plus all the superpowers - aka ‘quirks’ - are super imaginative and, well, quirky! I just wish people would stop shipping the main character with his childhood bully...You’ll need to pirate this one too lmao

Danny Phantom: The highlight of this show is its ‘phandom’, because unlike someone (*cough* Butch Hartman), we’re not a bunch of cowards. It’s about a guy who messes around with his parents’ lab stuff and accidentally acquires the ability to die! Well, half-die. He can turn into a ghost and fight other ghosts. Although the show never explores the existential, traumatic fallout of being kinda-sorta-dead, the potential for something deep and emotional is there. Plus there is a LOT of accidental subtext for a Big LGBT+ Metaphor. So much so that the Trans Danny theory is basically canon. Uhhh not available on Netflix anymore so it’s time to whip out your pirate hat, matey

And there you have it! Like I said, I have a lot of TV recommendations. And I just KNOW I’m forgetting a ton, but this is already really long so we’ll have to cut off here. 

Thanks for the ask! <3

[mrsmess]

Faves and fails of SPN (season 15, finally):

Favorite episodes (in chronological order):

15:4 Atomic Monsters - Demon!Sam flashbacks! Dean in a beard! Some old fashioned banter! Meatman! Beaverdale! Love how Sam starts arguing w the parents in the parking lot - Me too, Sam, me too. Loving the self-aware monster. I know Becky is problematique™, but I dig her, so, all kinds of fuck Chuck. He must die, and when he does this is the episode I’ll think about.

15:6 Golden Time - Badass protection spells. Dean in a robe and a hot dog pyjamas. Cas going by Clarence. Jogging Sam. Eileen! God I ship her and Sam, and I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that I don’t ship him w anyone. Liking this ep a lot, every little side plot. Nice. And Eileen is back and I know it won’t last but like, that was awesome.

15:10 The Heroes’ Journey - Pretty neat intro. Monster on monster violence to the sound of Clair the Lune. Oh, and excellent casting of Garth’s kids. Regular people trouble... Awesome! Brilliant! This is the kind of meta storylines this show should deal in, exclusively. Oh my Garth! Explosives! Why isn’t every episode like this?

15:11 The Gamblers - Oh, is this another lucky coin episode? In that case yes please! More inconsequential bullshit kindly! Loving Sam staying in touch w Eileen. Hey guys, remember when you did the gambling thing w your years? And the rabbit’s foot? Good times. Will this be an equally good time? I hope so. A god! Excellent. ”Lady, I’m Tolstoy.” Yeah ya are, and i’m dead. The guys and Fortuna bashing god. And I'm equally delighted and distraught over the lore that god created man, man imagined gods and god decided to create the other gods to play into man’s ideas, or as a distraction.

15:13 Destiny’s Child - Omg the intro! Savage garden! I’m dead. Jack w the sandwich, why is that so funny? Cas is a gem this episode! ”’Sexually intimate’?” Lol. That’s what you get for trying to speak plainly, Cas! Hunter Corp. I’m dead, again. Keep the different Deans and Sams coming! I’m digging this! Why would they send ‘em to Rio? They could be your buffy-bots!

15:14 Last Holiday - Weird people popping up in the hq is awesome. And Dean’s immediate instinct to yell for Sam reminds me of me calling mr mess for everything! ”Shouldnt you be in the woods? Nymfing?” Monster radar? Oh, oh this is excellent. So mrs Butters is capable of murder when home and family are threatened, good for her. They better not kill her. I can accept them returning her to the wild. Yes! Did I call it or did I call it? Good Supernatural, good boy! And Dean making a cake for Jack! My heart.

Fail episodes (in chronological order):

15:2 Raising Hell - Rowena! Instant win. Ketch. Instant lose. Ketch undressing Rowena with his eyes = rating plummeting. Jeez. A bit dangerous even joking about the GoT finale, don’t you think? Rowena and Ketch full on flirting... this is hell, I'm being punished.

15:3 The Rupture - Don’t call him god! His name is Sucky-Chucky. The shock of Cas! “You’ve been playing us the whole time!” This is how it works Cas, where have you been? They're always solving problems like Jason Mendoza. In-Dean-angry-voice: “Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.” Rowena! And Sam! No!

15:5 Proverbs 17:3 - Listen, spn, it’s your last season and if you like just wanna stop writing and casting women completely rn i won't stop you or hold it against you (also why are these ladies identical?). We’ve had a terrible run but lets just let bygones be bygones.

15:8 Our father, who aren’t in heaven - Gosh, having Eileen in the show is painful, I’m just constantly expecting a piano to fall on her head. *Ugh* Sucky-yucky-Chucky. But hey, at least everybody else looks better alongside him. Case and point: I never rly cared that much for Donatello, but it’s great to see him, and Michael’s back, sure is nice to see him too.

15:9 The trap - Ugh. Main plot shit and Sucky-yucky-fucking-Chucky. Fail. Although the flashforward to jan 6th 2021 was a hoot (but probably not meant like one, huh?) Dean’s monologue in purgatory though... gosh. This show would be nothing w/o Jensen Ackles. Omg the kiss! Nice. However, the show at this point has lost the ability to offer any sort of pleasure. Because like Sam, we know which way this will go. They used to have some hedonism working for the characters but now they don’t even have that.

15:20 Carry on - You know what? I’m not gonna make this post longer than it already is talking about the last episode of Supernatural, that has been done better by people w real grievances w the show. The kindest thing you can say about the finale is that it just as well could’ve been jammed into a few extra minutes added to the previous episode.

Mediocre mentions:

Drag me away (from you) - what is this ugly cell interface? The opposite of product placement. Yay! Retro episode! And they got the same actor to play Dean, neato! Dean admitting he had a hard time handling hunting, that always gets me. Woah! That scream effect without reverb was kinda startling. And the camera zooming in on the little porcelain clown even though Sam is nowhere n- oh shit. This was an interesting episode

Inherit the earth - Goooood I hate Chucky. Barefoot Sam is okay though. Digging this soundtrack too. Very un-Supernatural. Nice to meet ya Betty, but I wouldn’t pull up a chair if I were you. Always a fan of the shiteating grin. Jack, stripping god of his power, that’s so hot. And again: kudos to the soundtrack! The Youngbloods and then Jackson freakin’ Browne! And you know, it’s clichéd and kinda vacant, but also kinda nice. I’m cool with the story ending like this. Why did they have to do another one? Supernatural has never known when to quit, and this is the very real backside of this.

Honorable mentions:

I don’t know who this Ardat chick is but killing Ketch puts her instantly in my win column.

Winchester-dumb, new household term.

”Feels like were taking a big, probably stupid risk. Feels good.” That made me feel good too.

I’m vastly enjoying this dark-art hippie couple in Unity and Jack’s interaction w them.

Cas launching straight into his dramatic I-will-not-let-you-end-your-own-life-speech when Sam casually mentions he’d like to talk to death in Unity, that angel has seen some things, and he has learned.

Those are some pretty pretty death effects on Jack in Despair/The Truth.

Obviously Misha Collins

Things that makes you go hmm:

Which of the clowns is this supposed to be in Back and to the Future? Because the one from season 2 was a monster, right? So he would’ve gone to purgatory. You know what? I’m not an expert. I try to not pay too much attention ’cause it makes me funny in the head. But just, y’know, a general objection.

Here’s my deal w death as a looming threat in this show: it holds no weight. And even if it did it has been painted as the ultimate relief, unless you go to hell, these characters know for a fact that there’s a potentially blissful afterlife, so their attitude towards death should be, what? More pragmatic, I think. And it’s partly why Ackles is wasted on this show; That man can deliver a death monologue like it’s nobody’s business, too bad all those words have been rendered meaningless after 15 seasons of this shit!

Summing up:

So, I did not go into or leave this season happy, I knew how it would end and I was sad for everyone the show screwed over (more than it already had). Which really meant that I always had to force myself to watch another episode, knowing what was coming. But I had to see it through. I did, so I’ll give myself a pat on the back and get to work on my own personal selection of episodes that will henceforth represent spn to me. A selection I’ll enjoy all the way through. All in all I think the most frustrating thing about the show is how it insists on taking itself so freakin’ seriously. It has always done horror *and* humor best and this whole heaven and hell aspect has never sat right w me, and in any case they should’ve leaned more on “supernatural” narrative tropes (if you will) getting out of their plot problems, gambled some more and thought a bit more outside genre conventions *especially* in their main arcs, they opened up so many opportunities that they never even used. They could’ve been more like Buffy, or Doctor Who. That said, I’ll always get that spn-itch, and when I do, I’ll be happy to have seen all the episodes so I’ll know which ones to avoid.

[foulflames]

Santa Oz (Oz with a Santa hat and fake beard) rushes in to give a gift before rushing away once again! Inside the box there's a red Ugly Christmas Sweater with arsonist Santa and a pair of cool sneakers with flames on them!!!

          UNPROMPTED. // @dxthemxnstermash​

“ HOLY SHIT !! ”

Amira’s surprisingly quick when it comes to tearing the paper and opening the box. She’s smiling the whole time -- but she’s beaming once she sees the actual gift. She’s also forcefully holding him by the back of his stupid oversized Santa coat so he doesn’t run off.

“ THE FLAMIN’ LAVAX ZAG SHOES !! Dude !! You shouldn’t have !! ” The sneakers with the flaming hot sandals ! “ I’ve been tryin’ to get a hold on these for so freakin’ long !! ”

The sweater is welcomed too -- but she’s too excited about the shoes for now.

“ Aw man, my gift’s kinda lame on comparison. ” Well she oughta give a gift to one of her best friends, yeah ? “ I got you the Nyctophobia scented candles set from that one shop ... An’ some Anatidaephobia tea. Supposed to make ya feel relaxed or sum’thin’. ”

[thelonely]

MAJOR ep. 28 spoilers

(find it on ao3 here)

Mama has been to more than her fair share of funerals.

Well, if you can call them all funerals. Her line of work didn’t do kindly by folks looking for a traditional burial. All too often, she’d had to scoop up ashes post-battle and spread them, collect bones and dig holes for them, lose sight of a coworker mid-fight and never catch hide nor hair of them again. There were too many anomalies to be explained, too many questions raised. Seeing those names slowly sink on the “Missing Persons” list and knowing still hurt, after all these years.

And hell, some folks in the past didn’t want to go through the ceremonial bullshit; they just wanted some dirt over their remains and a salute, before sinking off into that eternal sleep. Fair enough.

Mama’s definition of a “funeral” wasn’t always clean enough to entail the hearse, coffin, and grave plot. It was the exception, rather than the norm.

Which is why she’s surprised that Ned Chicane, of all people, wanted—and got—a traditional funeral. Let alone a crowded one.

(Maybe it was for the theatrics of it. Scratch that, it was definitely for the theatrics of it.)

Ned Chicane, once again, brought the town together—they had watched him go down the first time, and they were here to watch him go down for good. They owed him that much.

Duck and Aubrey and Mama and Barclay, Jake and Leo and Kirby and Sheriff Owens, Agent Stern and Hollis and Kevin and Eugene. People who loved him, people who dealt with him, people who hated him. People who disagreed with him, people who were inspired by him, people who thought he was a scam and disgrace. In this little ski town where everyone knows everybody, it does not go unnoticed that two particular people are missing. But, considering the circumstances, no one can blame them.

The residents of Kepler hover by the graveside as a priest says a few words; Ned didn’t strike anyone as a particularly religious man, but the sentiment is nice, regardless.

Duck gets up and chokes out a speech—it’s hard to tell if it’s due to the occasion, or just public speaking nerves. But he gets through it nonetheless, talking about the mysterious man that one day emerged as the owner of the once-dinky Cryptonomica, and how he wasn’t an open man but he was an amicable one. A brave one.

And because Ned had no one else that was willing to speak, the speeches end and the crowd breaks briefly before burial.

The Amnesty Lodge group gathers, talking idly with flowers and programs in their hands. It’s probably the first time that Mama has seen Duck not in the ranger uniform—but of course, he’s still wearing the hat. Barclay has trimmed his beard close, and Jake is in dark hues instead of neon ones.

Aubrey is also not her usual self. That much is obvious to anyone with any degree of familiarity with her.

The normally chatty magician is quiet; she stands eerily still, hands curled in her black dress as she listens to everyone chat. Her weight is subtly shifted to her good leg—she refused to use crutches at the service.

Mama is used to strange situations: to magic and monsters and violence. But nothing ever feels quite as strange, quite as wrong, as a funeral.

“I wish I had some… some, I don’t know, some cryptid keychains I could drop in, instead of these flowers.” Duck raises his bouquet accordingly: pink carnations. “I mean. Twenty-two years, and I never saw a damn flower in his place, not once. Did he even like flowers?”

“If he did, I sure doubt he would’ve told us—or if he did tell us, whether we would’ve believed him,” Mama replies. “Damn near everything that came out of that man’s mouth sounded like a lie. I don’t think dropping flowers will be an egregious sin against him.”

“I thought about maybe bringing some Nerf darts. I guess that wouldn’t go over too well, though, huh—”

Suddenly, Jake nudges Aubrey’s arm. “Hey, look.”

His pointed finger gets the group’s attention; they all turn to look at the item of interest: the grave marker, a couple yards away. They hover for a moment, scouring the letters. Eyebrows lower, foreheads wrinkle. Aubrey averts her eyes.

“Well, this sure solves that mystery, don’t it,” Mama finally says.

The marker reads: Edmund Kelly Chicane.

“I found it on some legal documents around the Cryptonomica,” Kirby pipes in from behind them, noticing their stares. His black suit fits baggy around the legs and tight around the belly, and it feels alien to see him without an RC Cola in hand. “Seemed more official, to put the full name on it.”

Mama nods and Kirby turns back to whatever discussion he was already having. The group is quiet for a beat. Then:

“...Just feels wrong,” Duck mumbles, removing his hat and shifting it from one hand to the other. “Having his full name out here, well, it’s like—like seeing the guy naked. Jesus Christ. Let the man have some privacy, he freakin’ beefed it.”

Mama stares for another moment, then: “I think I’m partial to ‘Ned Fuckin’ Chicane.’”

That earns a small laugh from the group—from everyone except for Aubrey. Mama looks at her with barely concealed concern, but Aubrey doesn’t seem to notice.

“Okay, but really: this all feels wrong. The flowers, the name—hachi machi,” Duck says again with a note of disgust. “This ain’t Ned’s style.”

“I’m not exactly sure what else we’re supposed to do?” Barclay says. “He’d at least like the high turnout, if that’s any comfort.”

But Duck is barely listening. He pivots, looking at the scene around them: the townsfolk, the marker, the rows of chairs, the grave itself, the program in his hands—

And then he gets an idea.

He slides a pen out of his front pocket, flips the program over, and jots something down in loose letters. Clicks the pen closed and stares at his handiwork for a moment. Rips off that last page.

Aubrey, standing to his right, merely looks up at him with the question in her eyes. Duck, catching her stare, turns the paper towards her.

It reads: Fucking.

The park ranger shrugs. “This felt like something he’d appreciate more than just some stinkin’ flowers.”

And with that, he strides towards the grave, gives one final look at the coffin within, and drops the piece of paper. He glances up at their group. He mouths the name: Ned Fucking Chicane. And then he walks back.

This action does not go unnoticed. As Duck makes his way back to their group, other attendees peer into the grave—some laugh, some look appalled, some smile nostalgically.

“Duck,” Barclay says, his voice verging on giddy. “Where did you come up with that?”

The park ranger doesn’t seem to share the same excitement for the act. As he gets closer, he slaps a hand to his face, head bowed.

“What did I just fuckin’ do,” he moans under his breath. “I go to a man’s damn funeral and drop curse words on his grave? Have I gone bonkers? Why didn’t any of you stop me?”

“Duck—” Mama interjects.

“Fuckin’ hell, guys, I might as well have just shouted a big ol’ cuss in the middle of his final rites—”

“Duck, stop. No, look,” Mama says, planting a firm hand on his shoulder and giving him a small shake. “Look.”

Pens have emerged from pockets and purses, and the residents of Kepler are scribbling on their own programs. They write, and then they line up.

Everyone contributes something.

Boss, Bastard, Conspiracy. Danger, Superstar, Entrepreneur. Black Diamond, Flamboyant, Brave. Fuckin’, Effin’, Fucking.

The coffin is almost entirely concealed by paper. Middle name after middle name tumbles down into the hole, and it takes a good twenty minutes for the stream to taper out.

Aubrey watches her friends and neighbors drop their pieces in. And yet, she can’t bring herself to join. She just doesn’t know what to write.

(After everything… what could she write?)

She still hasn’t written anything by the time that they’re told to gather around for the end of the ceremony. Feels a swell of panic when the first shovel breaks the ground and tosses earth onto the pile.

Dirt cascades into the plot and the town watches silently as his titles are buried—until the only name that remains is the one on the gravemarker.

And then the service is over. People hover by the filled plot, saying final goodbyes to each other, exchanging hugs and words. It’s a flurry of movement for all but Aubrey.

Instead, Aubrey thinks.

She thinks as she says goodbye to the other attendees, telling her that they’ll see her soon. Barclay says he’ll have some soup at home. Duck says he’ll pop into the Lodge sometime tonight.

She thinks as the bulk of the town shuffles away, quiet conversation bubbling between them:

Remember when Ned crashed that stupid drone into a tree and the national parks office got flooded with calls of Mothman sightings for three whole days? Remember when he had the live studio audience of kids for Saturday Night Dead, and how he scared them senseless by dressing up in a yeti costume and jumping them? Remember when he went on Google Reviews and made the Cryptonomica the most upvoted place in Kepler—. And then they’re too far away to hear.

She’s almost alone: just her, Mama, and a heavy silence remain. And finally, Aubrey writes something down.

She walks on numb legs to the grave, coming to a slow halt beside it. With a slight wince, she bends over and slots her paper into the freshly turned dirt. She rises and gives it one final glance.

Mama calls from a few yards away, eyes shining with sympathy; Aubrey nods and rejoins her.

“You ready?” Mama asks, her big hand spanning Aubrey’s entire back.

“Yeah. I… I’m ready.”

They slowly move away, towards the trees. Neither of them look back.

A lone piece of paper flutters in a soft wind, unread.

The sun sinks and the stars twinkle into existence overhead, clear and cold. They shine brilliantly, beautifully over the headstone, and while the man beneath them is gone, this final middle name is not.

Written in careful, cursive letters:

Friend.

[malecsecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @akai-coat!

Read on AO3

******

Be Still my Foolish Heart (Don't Ruin this for me)

Chapter 1

Alec stared at the green and gold invitation with the words ‘You are invited to the wedding of Lorenzo Rey and Andrew Underhill’ written in cursive in front of him with contempt. It seemed to be the source of all his suffering since he got it exactly 14 hours and 23 minutes ago. Oh God, he would have to go, wouldn’t he?

Most of the people in the coffee shop stayed away from him. He did look quite intimidating with his piercing blue eyes that looked like they were going to burn a hole into your heart and all black clothes (but don’t blame him—he was having a bad day, okay?).

Ah, yes. His coffee. He needed his coffee. He sighed, even though he’d ordered it over fifteen minutes ago, it still wasn’t here. He could barely keep his eyes open without it, and for a good reason. He hadn’t gotten any sleep last night, stressing over the invitation and a mostly useless conversation with his sister and her girlfriends. (“What should I do, Izzy? Lorenzo invited me to his wedding. To Underhill.”

“Andrew Underhill and Lorenzo Rey?” She had asked incredulously over the phone. “Your ex and your former best friend? They’re together?” He confirmed it, hoping she wouldn’t freak out. Instead, she laughed. “Maia, Clary!” she had yelled “Get over here!”)

He loved his sister (he was still getting used to Clary though and Maia was pretty cool) but he hadn’t needed her telling him that he needed to get a date or he was just going to look pathetic. He already knew that, thank you very much.

But he didn’t know anyone who could be his date. The only other gay or bi/pan man he knew was Simon Lewis. And both Lorenzo and Underhill knew that Simon was still going strong with his brother, Jace.

Or he could, you know, just not go. “And look like you’re still hung up on Lorenzo?’ A voice in his head said. “Suck it up, Lightwood. You’re going.” By the Angel, his life sucked.

“One caramel Frappuccino for Alexander Lightwood! Extra sugar!” The woman called.

Magnus Bane was not having a terrible morning. His ex, Lorenzo Rey, had just invited him to his wedding (and he didn’t have anyone to go with), his cat ran away (third time this week but it was frustrating) and he was suffering from a monster hangover. And he couldn’t even magic it away because it was wolfsbane he took in at Cat���s last night. And wolfsbane makes magic weak.

He doesn’t even remember why he chose it.

So yes, he was in a bad mood. And, yes, he was currently in line to get coffee at an actual coffee shop because, again, he couldn’t magic some into his hands. “Your order sir?” the lady at the counter asked. He gave her a blank stare. Why was he here again? “You’re holding up the line, sir,” she said, annoyed.

“Ah yes!” he said, snapping back. Coffee. Hangover. He remembered now. “One black coffee for Magnus Bane, please.”

She gave him a tight smile. “Coming right up, sir. That’ll be five dollars.”

He fished for his credit card, just as the woman shouted, “One caramel Frappuccino for Alexander Lightwood! Extra sugar!”

Magnus’ blood froze. Alexander Lightwood? The Alexander Lightwood? In this coffee shop? Probably with his life together, married to Lydia something with three kids, judging Magnus for the dark circles and shitty apartment? That one? No, no. It could be some other Alexander lightwood. He tried not to turn, staying frozen. And, yeah, he’s not weak, he can handle another ex. He’s Magnus bane for god- He turns. What can he say—he’s weak. Yeah it’s definitely that Alexander Lightwood.

Well, shit.

Alec stood up to get his coffee, taking the paper with him so he could throw it away. Finally. No more tired…? Was that a sentence? She handed it to him, and he took it gladly. He took a sip and-

“Uh, hey Alec.”

He recognised that voice. But it couldn’t be-

“Magnus,” he said, “how are you? Why are you here?” He internally winced. That came out wrong. “I-I meant, uh, can’t you just… magic coffee into your hands?’ Magnus gave him an awkward smile. “Yeah, usually, but, um, wolfsbane.” “Oh, yeah, that sucks.” It was silent and just as Alec was about to go back to his table, Magnus spoke up. “So I noticed the invitation in your hands…”

Magnus felt his face heat up. ‘I noticed the invitation in your hands’? How had he ever been with someone like Alec if he couldn’t even manage to not embarrass himself every five minutes. This was a mistake. A big mistake. But, at least, even if Alec said no, nothing would change. They would go back to pretending the other didn’t exist.

“I got one too.”

Alec looked confused. “That’s nice?”

“I don’t have a date and I assume that you don’t either.” This was going worse than he hoped. It just sounded like he was mocking him. Someone kill him. Now. And then he said it.

“What I’m saying is, can you go with me?”

Alec blinked. What. Was. Happening.

“Uh... could you repeat that?” He asked.

“Can you be my fake date?” Magnus repeated. His heart sank. Of course Magnus had meant it that way. He didn’t have feelings for Alec (even if Alec did). This would just be pretend. But this was the closest he was going to get on ever acting out on those. He should think this through, instead he just said, “Yeah, sure. Do you have my phone number?”

His headache forgotten, Magnus smiled. His heart was doing strange things. It jumped around in his chest, did a little jig, probably died for a few minutes and then came back only to squeal.

Somehow, his immense stupidity hadn’t scared off the (former) love of his life. He’d blurted out a completely random suggestion in the heat of the moment, and ALEXANDER FREAKIN LIGHTWOOD took him up on it. He had managed to secure a date to his ex’s wedding with another one of his exes. It was a fake date, of course, and would only last for the duration of that wedding, but still. This was the closest he would get to being with the only person he's ever been truly serious about.

He beamed at the man in front of him. “Uh-huh, text you the details later? I gotta leave right now…”

Alec smiled back. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes YES. He could barely contain his excitement. “That’s cool. Bye!” he said, trying to not sound like he was going to die of happiness any moment now as Magnus gave him one last wave before walking out.

Chapter 2

Chapter Text

Magnus: Hi

Magnus: it's me

Magnus: bane, I mean

Magnus: wanted to ask; are we still up for the fake dating thing?

Alec: Hi

And yeah, lol

Magnus

Cool! Want to go suit shopping tomm? I get free at five.

Alec: Yeah, that's fine with me! Luke's shop?

Magnus: sure!

Magnus sighed. It was time for suit shopping.

“Well, how do I look?” Alec questioned, straightening his tie in front of the mirror. He was wearing a white dress shirt and fitted dark blue pants along with a navy blazer. He didn’t look quite bad, if he said so himself.

(Honestly, he wished he didn’t have to spend money on these suits but he didn’t really have any at home and no way in hell was he asking his father for one.)

He turned, showing it off. “Magnus?” he asked. The warlock hadn’t replied yet, staring at him intently.

“Huh?” said warlock asked. “What?”

Alec wondered if maybe Magnus had been admiring him, and then told his mind to shut up because of course he wasn’t.  

“I asked if this was fine?” he repeated.

“You look good,” Magnus said. “Really good. I think this is the one.”

He grinned and Magnus gave him his sunshine smile in return the one that could light up the whole room.

“You’re not buying one?” Alec wondered as they walked out.

Magnus shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “I have one at home. If I add a bit of glitter to it, it’ll be perfect.”

Alec laughed and Magnus almost banged into a sour looking businessman.  He missed that laugh. That wonderful laugh.

“I assume that ‘a bit’ means a lot?”

“Always,” Magnus said.  “Glitter forever.”

Alec snorted. “That sounds like one of those slogans you’d find on a top from H & M.”

“Hey! I like H & M. Most of their dresses are my size and don’t get me started on those soft sweatshirts.”

“Okay,” Alec said. “Okay.”

Oh my god, he was in a rom-com, wasn’t he?

Magnus:

We need a story

Alec;

What

Magnus:

In case anyone asks how we got back together

Alec:

Can’t we just tell them that we never broke up???

Alec:

Pretty sure rey and underhill didn’t even realise

Magnus:

I dont think thats how it works.

I've read a lot of fanfiction, you know, you should trust me

Alec:

Fine. but you come up with it

Magnus:

We met at a coffee shop and rekindled our love for each other???

Alec:

That works

Magnus:

K

Alec:

K

Magnus:

hey i’ve gotta go right now cat’s calling

Magnus:

Bye ;)

Alec held the phone to his heart. His heart was beating way too loudly over something not even remotely romantic or important. He was such a fool.

Magnus:

Hey

Magnus: So I just realised

Magnus:

That the date is actually the 27th

Alec:

Ummm, yeah???

Magnus:

Which is tomorrow

Alec:

and?

Magnus:

I thought it was on the 2nd

Of jan

Alec:

But you don’t have any plans tomm right???

Magnus:

No??? But it’s surprising?

Alec stared at the phone with a small smile. Gods, Magnus was cute. And he missed him, really missed him. But that didn’t matter, because it was never going to happen.

Magnus had made that very clear when they’d broken up. But, if he was being honest, he would go through all of that pain again just got to say “I love you” to Magnus once more.

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

Alec:

I’m outside your apartment

Magnus:

So come inside?

Alec:

I can't

Magnus:

It's only polite

“Welcome,” Magnus said, gesturing around, “to my humble abode.” It was messy, to say the least. Clothes were thrown around everywhere, Alec could hear meowing from… somewhere. The vents, maybe?

But Magnus- Magnus was gorgeous. He was, as promised, covered in glitter. He had some blue paint around his hair, but not the face paint kind but stripes. He had had his beard trimmed and his eyes weren't concealed like they usually were. No, they were the gold cat eyes that Alec had fallen for.

And would fall for again, a million times over.

“Drinks?” Magnus asked, pouring a glass for himself.

“Don’t you want to save it for later?” Alec smirked. “I don’t think either of us will get through the wedding without a few shots.”

“If we can survive through that in an hour,” Magnus said, “we can survive this right now.”

That was dumb, but fair.

Okay so maybe it was more dumb than fair.

Alec was drunk. Very drunk. And they were late. Very late.

“Alec, Magnus,” Lorenzo greeted them, a huge grin on his face.

Magnus tried to smile back vut Alec tripped, falling on Lorenzo and then giving him a hug.

“Hey,” he said, his voice was weirdly high-pitched. “I’m happy for you, man. Happy. Very happy. That you both are getting married.” He paused. “I mean, I would have been happier if the reason you two had gotten together wasn’t you cheating on me with him, my best friend since I was three years old, on christmas, two years ago, but still. It’s in the past.”

Lorenzo visibly paled and Magnus wasn’t sure whether he should laugh or be mortified.

A mix of both, maybe.

“I’ll, uh,” Magnus said. “Just take him outside, he needs some air.” Lorenzo nodded mutely and Magnus couldn’t be happier to do just what he said.

“What was that?” he hissed. “That was a long time ago and  you know it!”

Alec stared at him from under his eyelashes, and, for some reason, Magnus couldn't bring himself to be angry at him.

“Not long enough,” Alec said, finally.

“Oh,” Magnus said bitterly, hsi heart sinking. “So you’re still hung up on Lorenzo. That’s what this is?” Maybe he wasn’t going to get the guy this time either.

Alec shook his head. “Lorenzo?” he asked, maybe to himself. “No! No, no, no!”

“Then what?” Magnus asked. “What could have possibly possessed you to do that.”

Alec sat down on the stairs. “You?” he said, feebly.

Magnus didn’t reply. “You’re not in the right mind,” he said, sitting down on the stairs next to him.

“But I am!” Alec protested. “Can’t yousee?”

“See what?”

“I’m still in love with you!”

“What?”

Alec sighed. “It broke me, Magnus, when you said we shouldn't be together anymore. I know it would’ve been heard to maintain a long distance relationship, especially since my college was in London, but we could’ve managed. Somehow. I almost quit after my first semester, because I could barely get out of bed. I didn't have any friends, and I didn't talk to anyone anymore. Izzy had to drag me out, and she made me okay again. But I still loved you. And I do right now too. And it hurts me so much that you don’t.”  

“Who says I don’t.”

Alec laughed coldly and stood up, walking away, hsi hands in his pockets. "Yeah right," Magnus heard him say.

Magnus reached out towards him. “Alec, wait.”

“It’s fine,” Alec said, and Magnus almost swore that he wa crying. “You don’t have to pretend anymore. I’ll get Izzy to pick me up.” And Magnus could only watch as the love of his life left him.

[ain-t-bovvered]

14x18 Commentary

Zeta and Giuls scream together, and then die.

@purpleskiesandcherrypies and @dean-winchesters-baconwon’t be joining us for this one.

Me & Zeta will watch together season 14′s episodes as they come out and we’ll do our commentary while watching.

+MASTERLIST of season 14 commentary *

Giulia: Ugh I’m already tired

Zee: Hold on. The torture just began

Giulia: I don t wanna see cas treated like that by dean. I can t

Zee: Mary!?

Giulia: Pah

D&S: Yo Mom? Jack?

Giulia: I already hate this. Searching for mum in the bunker. Awful.

D: They probably just stopped for a bite on the way back. You know how Mom get

me: 

Zee: Can I live there tho?

D: here's to another miraculous Sam Winchester’ survival. Got to say, man, if Jack hadn't have healed you...

D: You know, lately, it feels like we'd be up the creek without that kid.

me: 

S: Yep

D: I mean, first, he takes care of Michael and then...Nick.

-uh hu of course the cell is there

D: looks like they left in a hurry.

Giulia: Yeah Sam was gonna be dead and satan was coming back so....

Zee: Oh crap. There’s def something wrong

Oh my poor baby bean Jack

Giulia: it starting. Great AMAZING. Just what I needed at 8 am

Zee: Of course babe

Giulia: CAAAAAAS

C: Nick was trying to raise Lucifer?

Zee: Epic eye roll

Giulia: my epic roll

Castiel is like : my god what a drama queen, my family is a disgrace.

C: [jack and Mary] They’re together?

D: yeah

C: .....A-Alone?

D: Y-Yeah. W-Why do you  Yes, Cass, they were together, alone.

C: *sweats*

Giulia: Alone.  Oh bother

Zee: Silence

Giulia: Great. GREAT

Castiel in short : Jack killed Felix because he thought it was the merciful thing to do.

Zee: The snake

C: I don’t think Jack’s well, Dean.

-well good fucking morning fucking Vietnam

Zee: Sam’s eye squint 

Dean hangs up on Cass

Giulia: I HATE THIS

Zee: Focus babe

Giulia: no I’m already hating Dean, and I know what’s coming and I HATE IT.

Also...can I have Jack’s airline number

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA LOOK AT CASS SPELLED C-A-S-S . SUCK IT BITCHES.

I’m vibrating , I wanna hug Jack so much and tell him everything is gonna be alright, my baby...I’m so sorry no ONE IN THIS FUCKING SHOW FUCKING TALKS TO EACH OTHER.

A wilde Nick appears. 

Giulia: Fuck him

Zee: Careful with what comes out of your mouth

Red fucking eyes

Giulia: The fuck

J: that’s not possible, you’re-

N: Dead? Yeah alright you got me.I’m not Nick, I’m not Lucifer-

giulia: oh thank god

N: I’m you

Zee: What?

Giulia: That’s way worse thanks

Zee: Oh come the fuck on

Zee: Dying?

Giulia: STOP THIS RIGHT FUCKING NOW

Zee: Actual pain

N: Buddy, you killed Mary Winchester. You cannot come back from that, and you know it.

Giulia: oh. And fuck Nick too

Zee: In my chest

Giulia: Fuck lucifer too

N: All right? You've been flapping your wings all around, trying to run away from what you did.

Zee: You won’t. You can’t

Giulia: U really can t

Zee: Tell Sam and Dean that

N: I'm sure they'll understand. It's not like family isn't everything to them.

Giulia: Can’t he just bring her back the fuck. That’s what happened alright. Mary got turned in ash again.

- AND also....like...it really was an accident, and ok maybe they would have a fucking hard time to accept that and maybe be mad , rightly so...but....y’all need to speak to each other. But then again....there would be no supernatural without family not speaking to each other.

I love how Sam says that Cass will be there too and he looks at Dean like....your bf is gonna be there you better be nice.

S: And -- And Jack -- I mean... he must have thought he was helping, you know, being kind.

Giulia: Thanks Sam

Zee: Dean is kinda fed up

Giulia: I’m not team Dean this time. Well he can stuff it i don t give a shit

Zee: Come on. Just wait.

Giulia: U ...snooped around didn’t ya?

Zee: No no. I’m also hoping he’s not an asshole I have faith

Giulia: That’s not your brain talking. Dean is an asshole, he’s my asshole, but he’s an asshole and that’s my heart talking, I don t even care.

Giulia: We ve been knew

Zee: Bold of you to assume I have one

Also...I’m kinda worried that Dean was already thinking about the box at this point.

D: We don't know that he doesn't have a soul!

I mean from this sentence alone....he thinks that he could have done that with or without his soul.

Zee: BBQ nick

Giulia: GREAT, DEAN....TOUCH THE ASH, AMAZING.

Zee: More than bbq Mary

Giulia: you mean “SMOKED MARY”

too soon?

Giulia: aw bb

Giulia: oh wow gotta love that empty fucking stare on Castiel. that looks so good. amazing . 10/10

Zee: Yeah. Cas is ok

Giulia: AW

C: I could heal you. If you'll let me.

M: I’m okay

Zee: Let him bitch

C:Are you still afraid of me?

*gasps*

M: Maybe a little

*GASPS*

Giulia: why, what’s your problem with instant healing?

Zee: The sad smile tho

Giulia: Listen-

Giulia: I’m hurting MY BABY, HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU BE AFRAID OF THAT BUMBLEBEE OF AN ANGEL * sobs*

C: I know you know this, Mary, but, um.. Sam and Dean -- they're -- they're glad to have you back. Whatever you still have to deal with and however long it takes, you should know they're happy.

Giulia: MY

Giulia: BABY

Giulia: I CAN T

Giulia: YEAH THAT S RIGHT. THEY WERE NEVER ALONE

Zee: Can she not?!

Giulia: SOBS. MY CHEST HURTS

Castiel really doesn’t want to look the Winchesters in the eyes explaining things.I mean an angel of the freaking Lord, sorry tell me again that he doesn’t care about them.

Giulia: Sam give him a kick

D: I mean, we don't know what Nick did. He probably deserved it.

He certainly did.

[enters Cass]

Dean :

BOOOOOOOOOO

Giulia: I don t wanna watch. I don t wanna WATCH

Zee: Don’t you dare leave me

S: There's a, um, blast site behind the house It looks angelic, just...bigger.

Dean: 

To me it’s like they already know, at least Dean. I can see his brain working. And Cas might be looking at him right now ( he also might not don’t get your panties twisted there)

Dean : Who cares what Jack said?

welp there it is

D: We don't know what happened!

Giulia: i can t. I don t wanna hate dean

Giulia: But I’m gonna

Zee: Fuck

I CAN’T LOOK AT CAS

Giulia: FUCK U. I DID.

S: Dean-

D: No, he knew. He knew something was wrong with the kid. He knew it, and he didn't tell us! He didn't even tell us!

Giulia: i can t LOOK AT MY BABY . What the FUCK was that face Misha.

Giulia: No

Giulia: Nsbsoabdjfondbdv

THE FUCK WAS THAT STARE DEAN?

C: I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long, I... I believed that he was -- he was good.

Giulia: OMG

Giulia: CAS

Giulia: I CAN T

Zee: Oh ffs.

C: I -- I knew that he would be good for the world. And he was good for us. My faith in him, it -- it never wavered, and then I-I saw what he did. It wasn't malice. It wasn't evil. It was like Jack saw a problem, and in his mind, he just solved it with that snake.

D: The snake?!

C: What he did wasn't bad. It was the absence of good. And I saw that in him.

Dean is all over the place right now

C: But we were a family, and I didn't want to lose that, so I thought I could... fix it on my own. Felt like it was my responsibility. So I left. And I didn't tell you.

Sam understands

C: If I could go back and just -- just talk to him right then and there, I would.But I can't, Dean. I failed you. And I failed Jack. And I failed --

D: No, no. Don't even say it. Don't even say her name.

S: Dean [putting himself between them]

Giulia: THE STARE

Giulia: WHAT THE FUCK

Ok ok, to me it looks like Dean’s already regretting what he said but at the same time he’s so angry and panicked and he’s just all over the place, they just got back from Sam risking his like yet again and then this...

[Rowena Calling...]

Giulia: THE STARE AGAIN

I DON’T WANNA WATCH THE REEEEEEST

ugh...okay ....here we go.

S: And Mom?

D: Say it!

R: I don't know what happened or where she is...but I can tell you with certainty... Mary Winchester

is no longer on this Earth.

 montage of broken hearts :

Zee: Jfc

Giulia: Saw that coming

Giulia: Great

Giulia: Ready for dean

Giulia: Melt down in 3….2…..1

Zee: I flinched

Giulia: There it is

They are all so broken. That chair is us tho.

D: What do we always do when we lose one of our own?

Zee: We fight

C: How? We don't even know where your mother is.

D:Then go to heaven and find her!

Giulia: Oh look….Cas has misty eyes

Dean’s lingering stare to Castiel like : you better fucking find her , I mean it.

and of course Castiel would do anything for the Winchester.

Giulia: I can t, CAS LOOKING AT SAM LIKE THAT SEEMS SO LOST AND GUILTY AND I HATE IT

[montage of their dead eyes]

Giulia: WELL I HATED IT

Zee: Well hello there

DON’T TOUCH ROWENA JACK DAMN IT.

Giulia: #scared

Giulia: He’s so scared

Zee: To bring Mary back

Giulia: Can’t he think her back again ?

Zee: He’s just a scared kid

Giulia: Come on. This is stupid

Zee: Maybe he doesn’t have that much power?

J: I killed Mary. I-It was an accident. I-I didn't mean to. I just -- I just wanted her to be quiet. I just wanted her gone, but only for a second. And I just.. I thought it. It all happened so fast. I need to undo it. You need to help me undo it.

Giulia: That room looks like bobby’s

Giulia: The soul is gone, the power isn’t

Giulia: Damn

Zee: Oh

Giulia: Of course

Zee: Oh Cas

Giulia: It’s so cold in Canada lol. I wanna go there

Zee: Of course you do

Giulia: Oh not Naomi

Giulia: These flashbacks tho

Giulia: Cute. Imma play with knife today

J: When we get Dean back, he's gonna kill me for this.

Giulia: Yes he is

Zee: Nice

Giulia: BEARD

Zee: Sam’s mourning beard

Giulia: God I love beards. Men just looks better with it

Zee: Parental guilt

Giulia: Well good fucking morning

M: You always feel like you're failing, but then you look at them, and somehow, they're amazing. And somehow, they're literally... ...the bravest...kindest......most heroic men on the planet.

Zee: Yes yes they do

Giulia: Looks like a struggle

Giulia: Great. Can’t wait for that

Zee: I don’t think she got the chance to be a mother tbh

D: Cass. Cass should have told us. As soon as he saw Jack go all Dahmer on his stupid freakin' snake, he should have told us.

S: Dean, it wasn't just Cass. It wasn't. We knew Jack was dangerous. We always knew.Long before he killed Michael. You more than anyone.I mean, from the very beginning, you knew.But, you know, we fell for him 'cause he had a good heart and a good soul.Then he didn't. And that's on me, too, by the way.I mean, I'm the one who made the call to bring him back.He didn't ask for that. I decided for him. And you warned me.No, you didn't know, okay? We didn't know

Giulia: AH. Thank you Sam

Zee: The voice of reason…..And there Sam with the guilt

D: We didn't know. 

S: Exactly. But -- He had become our family. You know, after Maggie and the other Hunters died... I just left. Just... dumped Jack on Cass and left. I knew. I mean, I knew something... was gonna... I just didn't know it'd be this.

Giulia: Babe

Zee: Is everybody on the verge of tears on this ep?

D: I did it, too. When I talked to Donatello about Jack, he said he was good as far as he could tell. But then he talked about how powerful Jack was and that he could never really be sure. And it was a warning.I just couldn't see it.

Giulia: YEAH YA DID

Giulia: YES THEY ARE. Finally mirroring us

Zee: About time

Giulia: Great if Dean doesn’t fucking apologize to Cas I swear

Zee: Not again

Giulia: Ew I mean. Love ya Mark But.  Stop it. Anyway

Giulia: Fucking jack is going in that box 99,99%

Zee: +0.01

Giulia: Jack is us

Giulia: Lucy is spn feelings

N: You want gratitude for bringing Mommy back? Why? So you can call this dump home again?

Zee: Poor child

N: And you know what, Jack? It's not gonna work. You know it's not gonna work.

Giulia: GREAT

C: I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere, not until I have a word with you.

Zee: Well good luck with that

Giulia: ugh naomi

Giulia: Misha’s hair are goooooood

Giulia: … Wasn’t she dead? Also LOVE HER

Dumah: She is at peace. You know, she died painlessly. Instantly. Completely.

She's in Heaven, a special Heaven.

Mary Winchester is complete.

You and the Winchesters may not be.

But she is.

Zee: Can I mention I love her voice?

Giulia: No i love her voice too

Can I mention that Cas face is fucking killing me, he’s so distraught 

Zee: Jack is losing it

Giulia: Damn it jack

Zee: He’s so desperate to fix it

Giulia: Wow

Giulia: Can I do that in real life too?

Zee: Thank you Rowena

Giulia: Ok but honestly

Zee: Is all that ash Mary ?

Giulia: I would be fucking terrified to tell the Winchester I killed their mother by mistake tho. I would first tell Sam, then hide behind him as I tell Dean.

Zee: Oh oh

Giulia: So I get Jack a bit. Oh oh He fucked with baby too

Jack with a fucking broken face : It didn't work.

Zee: He’s done everything wrong so far

Giulia: I’m scared and feel for him

Giulia: GREAT DON T WANNA WATCH THIS

Zee: Can the music stop?

Zee: Oh HELL NO

Giulia: OH NO AAAAND IM CRYING

Giulia: GREAT

Giulia: GREEEEAT

Giulia: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING MORNING

Giulia: WHAT A GREAT FUCKING DAY

Giulia: i should stop watching spn in the morning It ruins my whole day

Giulia: SHUT UP STOP

N: There's no going back. You realize that now. Cass, Sam, Dean.. They're never gonna trust you again.

nick...nick shut the fuck up

N: You can never trust them.

Giulia: NO T THE PICS

Zee: Oh noooo

D: So, what? Are you just gonna take her word for it?

C: NO. I saw your mother's Heaven, and she is happy. She's with John, and there's no sorrow. There's no guilt. Just joy.

Sam is me

Zee: And Cas

Giulia: i hate that Sam doesn’t really have a pic with mom tho

S: So, what are we supposed to do now?

D: What we always do.

Zee: Oh shit

Giulia: HATE THIIIIIS I DON’T WANNA SEE IT

Giulia: Ok so Bye Mary I guess. We can t have nice things on spn

Giulia: OH

Zee: Fucking hell

Giulia: THAT HURT ME. OH FUCK

Zee: Damn

Giulia: YEP

Giulia: I THINK ITs bye bye mary

                   [after episode]

Giulia: Hate the promo

Giulia: Fuck the angels And not in the fun way

Zee: I hated it. Too many feels

Giulia: Spn really did trained me to feels

Zee: My coffee is cold and salty

Giulia: Like...Is this thing happening in my life that important that I must suffer like this?

Nah that scene in spn was way worse, I got this

Zee: I guess u r right

Zee: But I have this sick idea that the writers snoop around on social media, read what would tick us and then write that exact thing

Giulia: Well I saw Samantha tribute to Mary on twitter so I guess yeah, Mary is gone

Giulia: Psh of course they do

Giulia: That’s why we write

Zee: Sick bastards

Giulia: So maybe we get lucky and they pick up our ideas

Giulia: No no I love it

Giulia: The thing is

Giulia: They keep changing writers and stuff and that I hate

Giulia: Because ya know....continuity

Giulia: And sometime they make characters behave in a way that it’s too alien , and you can tell

Zee: With each passing ep they make it worse. I don’t even wanna see how this season ends

Giulia: The actors can tell too and they can’t do much about that tho

Zee: Let alone the next

Giulia: With cas , the impala and a graveyard. We know that

Zee: In what context tho

Giulia: WE. ARE. SO. GONNA. HATE. THAT.  * maniac laughter*

Giulia: Idk but those words together are cursed

Zee: U ain’t wrong

Giulia: I wanted to see her heaven tho. They should have done that when JDM came back. Like Just a little snippets please. Ugh

Zee: Do you deliberately seek pain woman? Scratch that. I know you do

Giulia: How is that pain? I would have been happy seeing them happy But I guess we saw that. Whatevs

Zee: Well, she ded. And not with her children But again She never really knew her children

Giulia: A goodbye would have been nice tho

Giulia: Her children are grown ass men. She fine She s in heaven , with the love of her life. I mean. Would love to have that too

Zee: First of all we have established that neither of us is going to heaven

Giulia: Also dying painless and being in heaven?

Zee: Second, u would have to be dead

Giulia: I mean...in spn universe? That’s like goals

Zee: Custom made death

Giulia: I embrace it. Imma party with the angels

Zee: Yes. I think u will

Giulia: Unless I murder someone before I kick it. The bar is set so low ok

Zee: Maybe Jensen at Jib. If they don’t fix him and Cas

Giulia: Well J has no say in that. The fucking writers man.Imma kill them

Zee: Better

Giulia: Kill one , goes to hell, why not kill more since I’m there

[20 min later]

Giulia: So …..I coped with these feelings by doing online shopping

.

.

.

.

@wayward-angelgirl @destiel-honeypie     @mariekoukie6661     @dragontamerm      @closetspngirl   @rainflowermoon    @mattiecat    @bunnybaby121115  @aliaitee2   @jacks-word-of-the-day     @4evamc       @dammitsammy     @legendary-destiel   @winchesterprincessbride    @destielhoneybee    @castiellover20   @jacks-word-of-the-day  @ravenhg @evvvissticante  @legendary-destiel  @dustythewind

[bigdickmadej]

ONE DAY OF BEARD, THAT’S ME SKDNLSNXKDKDNKDLDFKD

Like, imagine Ryan has been dealing with his crush on Shane since forever. And lately, he feels like it has become stronger. He can’t simply admit he may as well be in love and there’s nothing he can do about it. He hopes at least it doesn’t show.

Now, he has seen Shane with a beard, alright. That’s like— normal. So why is he having all the palpitations every time Shane shows up with stubble at work? And why he can’t stop staring when there’s like— the whole ass, well trimmed, very, very nice beard on his face?

God, he looks so handsome, so hot. He has never been this attracted to someone with a beard.

He is very lowkey about it and tries to get Shane to shave, like “have you ever hear of a razor?” and shit like that, but it only makes Shane keep it longer. Happened the same with the damn freakin’ mustache, and Ryan starts thinking maybe he is actually trying to get Shane to Not shave.

Fucking horny brain.

Sometimes he dreams of the beard burns it would leave on his body and aches to actually feel that. He’ll think of how it would feel, the scratching sensation, the tickles, the burn. It’s terrible.

Then, he thinks it’s finally over when Shane shows up with the stupid mustache. But days later, the beard is back and AHAHAHAHAHHA THIS IS FINEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(It’s not, he’s extra horny for the rest of the day)