#four of whom are legit high school kids

[thechronicmasochist]

I'm taking a class this term that's looking at Chicana feminism and activism and my instructor is so fucking smart and very cool and the other six kids in my class deserve to be hit with large sticks for talking over her all the time and making it so she can't give her fucking lectures on her dissertation topic.

[felixbowery]

STATS

name: felix bowery age: twenty-four occupation: creator, founder & CEO of BlueStar position: bottom // switch (slight dominant / bossy lean, but doesn't mind "playing submissive") top kinks: pain play, choking, bondage, rimming, cum facials, power play, daddy kink face claim: brandon flynn

BIOGRAPHY

Being different was never easy, especially growing up that way, and Felix knew he was different in multiple ways, for however long he could even remember. Whenever the other kids would invite him to play house, he wasn't interested unless he could be married to the Dad. During Spin the Bottle, he'd get excited when it would land on the cute boy from down the street, and ignore the confused and freaked out looks when he french kissed him. After gym class, he wasn't able to hide how he checked out the other guys, and getting to suck several of them off later was absolutely worth being punched and called a fag by them the next day. Overall though, being gay wasn't what made Felix truly feel different. What separated him from others more than anything was the way he'd get straight As with no effort. How he'd easily debate his teachers and be miles ahead of all his fellow students. How he sent in one of the first programs he'D coded under a false name and was promised a full scholarship at one of the country's top tech universities - at age fourteen.

Being gifted with a way-above-average IQ and a talent for programming that he'd honed from the day he first got hands on a computer, Felix struggled to find people to bond with for most of his adolescence. He couldn't find much common ground with kids his age, most of whom were intellectually not nearly as developed as himself - yet it also seemed difficult to be respected by those older than him, especially within the field he was most interested in. The tech scene had seen plenty of teenage wannabes, nerds and amateur hackers claiming to be the next big thing on the horizon, and nobody was all too impressed with Felix's plans at first. He was ambitious, even a bit cocky at times as he never seemed to agree with any of the many voices who doubted he could do what he set out to do. Realistically, he possibly should not have been so sure he was going to be successful; Felix knew, however, that his skills were outstanding, and the quality of his code unmatched by anything out there that could've rivaled the app he was planning to launch.

The summer after his high school graduation, Felix began launching BlueStar - at first, an app targeted at gay men who could easily trade and rate each other's pictures. A simple idea on paper, though the quality of the application and its features soon skyrocketed the app to one of the most successful in its field. The chat functionalities, the AI that made for matching algorithms with a near-zero failure rate, and a frequent addition of more experimental (and increasingly adult-rated) features helped the app's popularity and market value explode, all while most people were quite unaware of the creator's identity at this point. Despite his start-up's market share starkly increasing, Felix found that most in the scene still struggled to take him seriously once he revealed himself as the face behind BlueStar; not only were people expecting an entire company to be behind an app of this quality, but a barely-legal teenage kid developing what soon was one of the lead gay social apps felt unreal to many.

Over time, Felix indeed turned his one-man operation into a full-on business, hiring a team of marketing experts, financial advisors, graphic designers - even other developers, though he was highly critical of their work from day one. After a while, even his most skeptical competitors had to admit the young startup was a legit force in the market, and despite his young age, Felix Bowery was starting to be recognized as the tech prodigy he'd proven himself to be. Still, there would always be gossip, he realized; some even had a kernel of truth to it. His most bitter rivals would claim that Felix's way to success had been enabled by wealthy men who acted as benefactors - sugar daddies, in essence. It wasn't a rumor he ever felt a need to address or deny - and in fact, there had been several investors who he'd engaged in sexual relations with in exchange for their money. He saw no issue in using his assets to his advantage; why limit that approach to just his intelligence, when he had youth and beauty on his side? Felix knew that 'sex sells' was not just a phrase, and the app embraced that more and more as well, adding features to explicitly trade and rate other users' nudes, or offer escort services via the application.

It was a duplicity that some might not have expected from him, but two sides of his personality that Felix both embraced. Yes, he was highly intelligent, his mind very structured and analytical - in some ways, he probably was a bit of a nerd. But that didn't mean he wasn't intrigued by sex. Getting kinky and letting go of all inhibition was his favorite pastime, and he'd always been an avid user of his own app. However, his curiosity was peaked one day despite having seen and witnessed quite a bit already. Unexpectedly, he received an invitation to visit the Haus of Perses - an island paradise that felt somewhat like his own app had broken out of the digital space and manifested in the analog world. A place full of hot men, full of sin and indulgence. Clearly he wasn't going to miss out on that.

[christinesficrecs]

A very long list of updated snowed in fic recs for @starsandmoony​ 💜

On my Way by Gia279 | 17.9K

Huge black paws smacked the window, followed by a fuzzy face smooshing up against it.

He scrambled over the gear shift, tipping into the passenger seat. Bear, he thought hysterically. It had to be a bear, a freaking bear.

A big pink tongue rolled out, lips pulling back as the creature panted.

I’ve got chills... They’re multiplying! by DropsOfAddiction | 12.3K | Explicit

Derek is literally wrapped around him, one heavy leg and one heavy arm pinning him tight to Derek‘s front.

Warm and steady breaths tickle the back of Stiles’ neck. He tries not to freak out and he wonders how he’s going to extract himself without waking Derek. He totally isn’t ready to face into this conversation.

Stiles stretches gently and Derek grumbles clutching him tighter in his sleep. Stiles tries not to yelp when Derek buries his face in the back of his neck.

Well fuck.

One Star Awake by zjofierose | 9.5K 

When Stiles gets stranded in the snow one dark and snowy night, he's in real danger. Fortunately, he gets rescued by a man on a horse.

Emergency Contact by bewarethesmirk | 1.2K

“Derek here hasn’t left your side,” the nurse coos, and Derek glares at her back. “You’re so lucky to have such an adoring husband.”

snow day by kellifer_fic | 8.3K

“It’s not a big deal. It just happens when I’m… cold,” Stiles offers, scratching gingerly at his head with a claw and then grimacing at it like it’s betraying him.

“Are you serious?”

“Hey, who are you to judge, wolfman?”

Your love warms me up by Smowkie | 1.2K

“At least it’s slowing down,” Stiles said, his lips slightly blue tinted and his teeth clacking.

“Yeah,” Derek said. Stiles had his arm hooked with Derek’s, and he was stumbling a little as they walked. “Come on, keep walking, keep warm.”

“Yeah, keep walking,” Stiles agreed.

Derek didn’t like how weak he sounded.

In the Dark Midwinter, Light by rhysiana | 3.7K | Mature

Really, Derek and Stiles being sent to an empty druid's cabin to fetch a book for Deaton and then getting snowed in could have gone so, so much worse.

it doesn't have to be a snowman by triggeringthehealing (froggydarren) | 4.9K

The Beacon Beans coffee shop is what Stiles would refer to as a lifesaver. They supply his dose of sugar whenever he needs it, they don't ask questions, and their hot chocolate is delicious.

And now they're running a snowman building competition where the grand prize would get him an entire year's worth of drinks. Really, all he needs is a partner to team up with. Only everyone else from the pack already seems to have paired up.

three words have never come easy by the_problem_with_stardust | 1.5K | Mature

If someone had told Derek five years ago that Stiles Stilinski would be the one living in a secluded cabin in the woods, Derek never would have believed them. Even now, he had a hard time reconciling his memories of Stiles as a high schooler with the young man who preferred the quiet found amongst the trees.

Whenever he’d inquired, Stiles had just smiled that enigmatic smile, so like Deaton or Morrell, and said something about being unable to think around the bustle of town.

“Don’t you dare throw that snowba-, goddammit!” by  jadore_hale | 2.3K

“I’m sorry,” Stiles sighed heavily, coming back down to earth, “But when you woke me up this morning and said that we needed to go out into the woods and find the evil Snow Witch that brought this shit here, I thought that was your emotionally stunted way of saying come build a snowman with me.”

In The Arms of A Werewolf by  literaryoblivion | 9.2K

“You have got to be kidding me.”

Stiles is flabbergasted. How is this even possible? Werewolves he can take. Poisonous lizard creatures, sure. Once dead, now living creepy werewolf uncles, bit of a stretch but he can roll with it. Sacrificing ancient druids that masquerade as teachers, okay fine. But this?

An honest to god abominable snowman? In Beacon Hills, California no less?

Nope.

Winter Storm Stiles by  42hrb | 2K

Stiles isn’t looking forward to weathering his first snow storm on his own, then he meets a handsome stranger at the grocery store who might be able to help.

Find Me Sitting Fireside by  kaistrex (weishen) | 13.2K

With the news that an Alpha wants Beacon Hills for their own, Derek and Stiles are forced to attend a couples retreat at a ski resort to learn their enemy’s identity. However, the threat is the least of Derek’s problems when he’s expected to fake a relationship, share a bed and suffer through candlelit dinners with the man he’s secretly been in love with for the past four years.

Waiting for Winter by  Twice_Shy (notboldly) | 3.2K

Everyone had a soulmark, a special shape on their body that formed during childhood and was meant to lead each person to their soulmate.

Unfortunately, Derek’s soulmark is shaped like a snowflake, and that fact has been actively ruining his life since he was six years old.

world tilts by  wearing_tearing | 1.5K

The guy is gorgeous as hell, and Stiles kind of wishes he could stare at him forever.

He figures he deserves a treat after almost slipping to his death.

Wait, What? by  wangler | 5.3K

When a significant portion of the Beacon Hills Preserve ends up coated in three entire inches of snow, the pack looks into it. If by looking into it one means packing a bunch of garbage bags and huge Tupperware lids into the back of Stiles’ Jeep to go look for a decent sledding hill. Things go sideways, because of course they do.

A Very Sterek Christmas by  TobyRosetta | 13.5K

It’s actually snowing in Beacon Hills, and it’s got everyone out of whack. Out of the kindness of his own heart, Stiles decides to take some things up to the the old Hale Mansion for old Sourwolf himself. But when the storm kicks up and snows them both in, the night takes an interesting turn.

Blanketed by  got_the_bite | 3.3K

“Stiles, where are you?” Derek demands again. His voice is higher than usual Stiles notes.

“You would be such a nice tenor if you joined a choir,” Stiles thinks aloud.

But In Case I Stand One Little Chance by  mikkimouse | 8.6K

Stiles’s Jeep breaks down in the middle of the snowstorm. He’s rescued by his high school crush, and as the cherry on top, is trapped in a cabin with said crush until the roads clear.

Fuck his life.

Snow Flirting by thepsychicclam | 11,396

As Beacon Hills get pounded with foot after foot of snow, single dad Stiles can't quite keep up with his four year old, his job, and shoveling his driveway. Derek makes his teenage son shovel Stiles' walk, and that just leads to Derek helping Stiles out with a whole bunch of other tasks. That's okay with Derek, though, cause any chance to be with Stiles is okay with him.

Baby, It's Cold Outside by Jebiwonkenobi | 2,791

Beacon Hills has a snow storm. Totally-not-cuddling happens.

Come Fly With Me (Or Don't) by stilinskisparkles | 15,325

Stiles is overworked and stressed out when his flight home gets delayed due to copious amounts of snow. He finds entertainment with one Derek Hale, whom he hasn't seen since high school but really doesn't mind getting reacquainted with.

Especially when it turns out Derek is surprisingly hilarious and will reluctantly play snap with him. And can walk on his hands.

The Man in the Snow by mikkimouse | 15,894

Derek finds a young man injured in a ravine on the border of his ranch. That's strange enough, but the mystery only deepens when the young man wakes up without any memory of what he was doing out there.

Blizzard Boyfriend by literaryoblivion | 1,897

With a record-breaking snowstorm on the horizon, threatening a city shutdown for a few days, Stiles gets the bright idea to put an ad up on craigslist for someone to spend his snow days with that would be filled with cuddling, movies, alcohol, and potential makeouts or more.

It's a joke until someone responds.

and home before dark by verity | 3,175

The mystery of the absent Hale brother was hardly a mystery at all until he appeared at last, set on taking up residence out in the woods.

(In which Derek is a hedgewitch. With a cat.)

Let it snow! Let it snow! (but please let it stop eventually) by relenafanel | 19,123

Stiles grew up with his bedroom window overlooking Derek's bedroom, so when he returns home for the holidays he's surprised to find a stranger in his nerdy neighbour's bedroom.

Only, he's not much of a stranger.

It is Derek Hale, the guy who is going to be his new step brother, if the rumours are true.

Red Against the Snow by Ember | 34,219

Stiles is trapped for the holidays in the cabin of a strange man/hermit named Derek. A strangely friendly wolf befriends Stiles during his stay. It's up to the teenager to find out why Derek has secluded himself from society, what the feelings he's beginning to have means, and what the connection between the mysterious man and the mysterious black wolf is.

an exaltation of larks by llassah | 25,370

All Derek wants is to get through the lambing season with his body and spirit intact. He had thought that the blizzards would be the main danger, not a highborn omega with beautiful eyes and a stubborn streak.

The flamingo in the yard by Vendelin | 6,107

It isn't fair that Stiles needs to work Christmas, when his dad is on the other side of the country. Or that his really hot, next door neighbour is around for the holidays as well. Or that there's a power outage that makes things even worse. Or better.

(Fake) Winter Weather Brings Us Together by tylerfucklin (zimothy) | 10,535

So naked cuddling with Derek while suffering from hypothermia wasn't really on Stiles' to-do list for the week, but neither was that kiss--so who was Stiles to complain?

It's a Wild Pitch (But He's a Contact Hitter) by jettiebettie | 11,828

They're combating supernatural forces with blunt instruments now. Seems legit. As long as Stiles doesn't end up getting frostbite, he's willing to roll with it. Not that his friends have to worry about that. Fucking werewolves.

Abominable by Revenant | 20,277

Where Derek buys a secluded cabin halfway up a mountain, meets a yeti and falls in love with Stiles, but not necessarily in that order.

stilinski v. a. snowman | tumblr ficlet

This fic was inspired by this prompt: ‘we’re stuck in a log cabin overnight during a snowstorm bc of some stupid school team building exercise and it’s freEzing and I can’t sleep and you can hear me shivering in the next bed so you pick me up and dump in your bed and good grief you are hot in every sense of the word’ au

[jasonbehrs]

something that i already know

by airauralintensity (aka me, jasonbehrs!)

As soon as Siwon says it, he can see the way so much clicks into place in Shindong’s astute, masterful, beautiful mind… But not even Shindong can draw the correct conclusion when he isn’t provided with every relevant fact. If he could, they would have cleared the air so long ago.

fandom: kpop, super junior characters: siwon, shindong, eunhyuk ships: shinwon, sihyuk genres: friendship, angst, romance themes: slice of life, one-sided crush, angst with a happy ending setting: high school into college; metro seoul area, south korea word count: 12.7k

read it below or on ffnet, aff, wattpad

A/N (05/01/2021): Hi, ELF! This is my first Super Junior fanfic :) Title comes from the Backstreet Boys song of the same name; cover image is made by me; and if you recognise anything in the fic, that means I don't own it. Happy reading!

~~~

It's never easy being the new kid in school, and Donghee is no exception. He has no friends; he has to play a lot of catch-up in the first few weeks because where his old teachers left off doesn't match up to where his new teachers are picking up; and he has to spend precious emotional energy acclimating to the culture and social politics.

Add in the fact that it's senior year, and he's at the most elite academy in Gyeonggi on a scholarship—he's seen this K-drama before. He knows how it ends.

"Hey! You're the new kid, Shin Donghee, right? Can I sit here?"

Admittedly, Tall, Bright, and Handsome doesn't usually come up to bully the new kid with such a charming smile on his face in the script, but Donghee still knows his role.

"Yeah, got it. Sorry. Didn't know this was your seat," he mumbles as he hurriedly packs up his lunch and books. He's not trying to make waves on his first day, thank you very much.

"No, no," T.B.H. puts out his hand to stop him from putting his planner away, and Donghee is shocked into stillness from the glaringly off-script performance that the other is putting on. "I meant, like, can I sit with you? I didn't know if you wanted to sit alone or not; but if you wanted the option for company, here I am."

Another winsome smile graces the other's face, and Donghee's eyes narrow. "Are you sure you wanna sit with the scholarship kid?" he asks sardonically. He isn't trying to get away anymore, but he's still not convinced he's welcome here.

Tall, Bright, and Handsome's light dims just a bit, but his pout is still effortlessly charming. It's almost offensive. "Come on. We're not like that here."

Donghee looks no further than just above the other's shoulder and sees a group of girls whispering and giggling in their direction. He looks back at the well-meaning but clueless hero of the story and raises an unimpressed eyebrow. T.B.H. looks over his shoulder to see what he saw, and he at least has the grace to be embarrassed when he turns back around.

Donghee is prepared to give a half-conciliatory, half-I told you so parting glance, but the other student keeps talking. "I'll admit, that's not a good look for us," he says with a grimace, "but would you believe me if I said they were acting like that because of me and not you?"

Considering he's been calling the guy 'Tall, Bright, and Handsome' in his head this whole time, yeah, he could believe it.

Hoping against hope that he isn't about to regret this, Donghee sits back down at the lunch table. T.B.H.'s smile is so bright, Donghee thinks he saw one of the guy's front teeth actually sparkle. "I'm Choi Siwon," he introduces as he extends his hand. Donghee shakes it and wryly thinks to himself that of course T.B.H.'s real name means 'cool.'

~~~

To nobody's surprise, Siwon is part of the popular crowd, which Donghee determines by the look on everyone's faces when Siwon invites him to sit with his friends at lunch the next day. The guys weren't exactly welcoming, but they were polite. He doesn't know whether maybe Siwon said something to them or not about being nice to the new kid; but honestly, he'll take it. He's still not entirely convinced that this is the setup for some sort of 'Carrie' situation or something. It's senior year after all, so prom is coming up.

It isn't until Siwon invites them all over to study together that things shift.

"Bro, what the fuck," Kangin says out of the blue, causing everyone to look up and causing Donghee to drop the pencil he was playing with. Kangin is staring at him—more specifically, his hand—and everyone's attention turns to him instead.

"Uh," he intones, not sure what is happening here and suddenly feeling the urge to look up.

"Do that again," Kangin demands, gesturing at Donghee's hand. His fingers twitch involuntarily at the command, but he genuinely has no clue what he's meant to do. He looks to Siwon with a clear plea for help on his face.

"Youngwoon, what gives?" Siwon asks, using Kangin's real name to snap him out of whatever is captivating the varsity baseball captain.

"Donghee was legit balancing a fucking pencil on his finger!" Kangin exclaims while gesturing helplessly at Donghee's hand.

Donghee understands immediately. "Ah, sorry. I forgot I did that." Without further prompting, he balances his pencil on its eraser at the tip of his middle finger. He moves his hand side to side for fun, showing off how the graphite tip stays roughly at the same point in the air all the while. With a flick of his finger, he launches the pencil up and catches it in mid-air, smoothly transitioning to end with a bow in his seat with the same gesture.

He looks up to find four slack-jawed teenage boys, and he brags, "I can do that with basically anything I can lift."

All pretenses of studying are summarily discarded in favour of testing this theory. Donghee easily balances notebooks, folding chairs, and even a curtain pole (dismantled from the window by an excited Heechul and reinstalled by an amused Siwon).

Once the others are thoroughly entertained, they don't want to go back to studying. Alas, they are at Siwon's house; as rich as he is, he doesn't have any convenient distractions (which Donghee surmises is the point of going to Siwon's to study in the first place). Kibum's the one to recommend just going to the local convenience store and walking around for no reason, which feels a lot like acceptance to Donghee.

In fact, it isn't long until he finds himself hanging out with some of the guys sans Siwon.

Kibum hands Donghee part of his deck for some trading card game he's never even heard of before, much more played; but after two rounds and a gradual learning of the rules, Donghee is now locked into a 1v1 match against Kibum, having just killed Heechul's last creature card.

"You sure your name's Shin Donghee and not Hee Shindong?" Heechul mutters as he throws his cards on the table. "Like, what can't you do?"

Donghee isn't paying him any attention then, instead supremely focused on using his impromptu green-black strategy to beat Kibum with his own deck.

So he's surprised when the next day Heechul slaps his back and says, "Yah! Shindong! I've been calling you for like five minutes!" as he falls into step with Donghee on his way to school. "Run me through the lymphatic system one more time." Donghee obligingly pulls out his notebook and helps his friend cram for their biology quiz that day, but his mind is somewhere else.

He's never had a nickname before, and he likes it.

~~~

Siwon is nothing like what he expects.

He spends most of his free time with the guys now, and he keeps coming back to that realisation.

Siwon is touchy. Like, more affectionate than a dog or a baby could be—combined. Kibum may be the youngest, but Siwon is the baby, and no one seems to mind treating him as such. Shindong is a man who likes his personal space, but Siwon's touches are so genuinely friendly and joyful that he finds himself readily inviting them into his bubble.

Siwon is expressive. Casual observers would never notice more than his charming smile and runway-ready neutral gaze, but he and the guys know better than that. Siwon talks with his whole body. His amusement is measured in congratulatory high-fives, and his stress in head shakes and tapping fingers. Shindong can always tell what he's thinking and feeling.

Siwon is down-to-earth. He's the richest in their friend group by a whole social class, but nothing about him plays on Shindong's financial insecurities. In fact, the first time Shindong hosted his friends over, the power went out, and Siwon was the only one who happened to recognise the strategically placed candles and matches around the living room. He wordlessly helped Shindong light them back up and suggested they take advantage of the dark to tell scary stories. Shindong will always be grateful for that.

Siwon is single. Sure, he doesn't give off playboy vibes, but he is certainly the poster child for monogamy. Shindong would not have been surprised to meet a loving, long-term girlfriend who is just as angelic as Siwon is and somehow twice as gorgeous, but no such person exists. Shindong has seen girls confess to Siwon literally once a day since they became friends (the record for a single day is currently four confessions), but Siwon graciously yet firmly denies them all.

Siwon is his best friend. It starts with study sessions, which turn into de-stress movie nights, which turn into sleepovers—and before he knows it, people from teachers to strangers start considering them a package deal. Shindong doesn't mind, of course. Siwon is less intense when he's not around the others, more introspective and goals-oriented—and Shindong can relate. It's great to have a friend who gets both sides of him and around whom he can comfortably show both sides. He didn't have one at his old school, but he's glad he has someone now.

~~~

"Want the rest of my pork?" Kibum offers Shindong at lunch. "Nah, I don't believe in cannibalism," Shindong says, even as he begins transferring the meat over to his own lunch tray.

The table is silent for a moment, but luckily he places his tray down just as Kangin decides to lay an open-palm slap to his back, laughing uproariously. Heechul is legitimately choking on his own food, and Kibum gives him a nod with a grin to acknowledge the joke.

Shindong feels pretty pleased with himself—he just knew that joke would land—and he glances over at Siwon to see the other's reaction. To his surprise, Siwon is staring at the table with a furrowed brow instead. Shindong frowns but lets it go. It's too bad Siwon was too busy thinking to hear his joke.

After lunch, the two of them only have the last class of the day together, and he notices Siwon still seems to be in a sour mood. Shindong racks his brain trying to remember if Siwon had a test he was worried about today. Maybe he feels like he failed?

"Hey, man," he calls out to Siwon after the final bell rings. "Wanna get some gyoza? On me."

Siwon's face brightens for the first time since lunch, and Shindong knows he made the right call; but in the time it takes for them to head to the Japanese place near his house and settle into a booth, Siwon's mood is dark again.

The table is quiet as Siwon plays with his food, making no move to eat any. Shindong stuffs two fried shrimp pieces in his mouth as casually as possible. Don't ask him why, but he thinks talking with his mouth full will help break the ice. "Hey, you good? You've been in a mood all day."

Siwon briefly meets Shindong's carefully neutral stare then averts his eyes to the table. "I don't like it when you do that," he mutters.

Shindong freezes with the next set of two gyoza halfway to his mouth. "Eat? Sorry man, I'm very diligent about my eat-anything-in-sight diet. If I stopped being fat, the girls at school would be all over me instead of you, which would disturb the balance of our friendship." He ends with a bite of dumpling and a cheeky grin.

"No, that! The self-deprecating jokes about your size!"

They both freeze. Siwon did not mean to blurt it out like that.

He deflates a little in his seat in embarrassment. "I don't like them. They make me sad," he continues in a much quieter tone.

Shindong did not see this coming and, frankly, has no idea how to react. "Um, you want me to stop being fat?"

"No, I want you to stop drawing attention to it. It's like you have to make a mean joke about your size first before anyone else can. No one in the group would ever be mean to you about it; I wouldn't let them," Siwon states adamantly. He means every word. The second one of the others crosses a line, he wouldn't hesitate to make sure they never, ever did it again.

The words are out before Shindong fully thinks about them. "You can say the word 'fat,' Siwon. Newsflash, I am fat. I'm as fat as you are tall. It's just something about me. I won't hesitate to make a fat joke any sooner than Heechul would hesitate to make a bi joke." His frustration surprises even himself, so he takes a sip from his water to calm down.

Siwon takes that as his cue to plead his case, and pleading he is. "It doesn't bother you that that's the part of yourself you decide to play up for the jokes? You're a great dancer, and you're quick on your feet—literally and figuratively! You'd be so great at, like, slapstick or something!" Shindong snorts, but Siwon forges on. "I just don't like seeing my friends laugh at you for… for being fat when you're so much more than that."

Shindong doesn't say anything, just lowers his head, and Siwon sighs. "You want to make a fat joke, don't you." "AND I'M SO MUCH ALREADY—okay. I'm done, I'm done."

Siwon withers and lets his head drop to his arms on the table. Shindong laughs, all tension dissipated. "So, this is clearly bothering you a lot," he needlessly observes. Siwon nods his head without lifting it up, and Shindong takes pity on him. "Alright, I'll try to tone it down. Or maybe I'll do like you said and just sprinkle in other kinds of jokes. No one likes a one-trick pony anyway."

Siwon peeks up through his eyelashes, and Shindong nods faux-sagely. "And maybe in the future when I'm rich and can afford therapy, I'll find out you're right and my brand of humour was simply a defense mechanism for some deeply internalised fatphobia all along. Then you could say, 'I told you so.'"

Siwon shakes his head resolutely. "That's not something I want to be right about."

Shindong shrugs in a 'suit yourself' manner and goes back to eating, and Siwon follows suit.

After a stretch of companionable silence, Siwon speaks up again. "I knew you're fat—I know it—but I don't think I understood that being fat was a part of you. Thank you for giving me a chance to understand you better. I thought I was intervening in something unhealthy, but I see now that that wasn't as righteous as I thought it was." He pauses then and doesn't continue until Shindong looks up to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry if I came off as insensitive or, worse, embarrassed. You don't embarrass me, Donghee."

Shindong looks back down at his food, unsure of what the emotion is in Siwon's voice as the other said his real name. "I know, but thank you."

~~~

Shindong is everything he didn't know he needs.

As the school year progresses, Siwon finds himself feeling lighter and lighter, and he can trace all of his growing juvenescence directly to his new best friend.

Shindong values hard work. The other guys are great at their own things, but they're missing that fire under their butts that makes them actually try. Shindong doesn't just put in the effort; he also appreciates the challenge and sees it as an opportunity instead. Shindong empowers Siwon to embrace his own challenges in a way that he didn't feel like he could do until Shindong came around.

Shindong tries new things. Siwon is a rather adventurous guy himself, but that's not what he means. Shindong picks up and drops hobbies as quickly as Heechul switches partners, and he's amassed a great wealth of knowledge as a result. He's dynamic, and Siwon could never get bored of the way Shindong talks about his niche interest du jour.

Shindong speaks his mind. His friend group is made up of some pretty lax guys, which is great until some of them get into an argument. They never really talk things out, instead waiting until it's no longer annoying to be in the same room and just choosing to let it go. When Shindong is offended, you'll know. When he's wrong, he'll admit it. It does lead to some tension at first, but they all end up better for it as a result, and Siwon wishes he could be that brave.

Shindong trusts him. When Siwon was planning on hosting the guys over at his house for Kangin's birthday since he has an indoor pool and hot tub, Shindong shyly asked him to think of something else because he's afraid of water. That was a request Siwon was more than happy to oblige if it meant including Shindong in the festivities.

Shindong doesn't need him to be 'on' all the time. One time Kangin invited himself over to one of their hangouts—he and Shindong had planned to read the newspaper together to catch up on current events and financial affairs—and he got bored and complained that they should do something more fun. Before Siwon could worry Shindong felt the same way, the other had sassily defended their brand of bonding and just told Kangin to leave if he didn't like it. Siwon loves the fact that Shindong cherishes that quiet time together as much as he does.

Siwon thinks he maybe just loves Shindong.

~~~

Shindong slides into the seat beside Siwon in their first shared class of the day just as he slides an envelope across Siwon's desk. The envelope happens to have the same seal as the university into which Siwon is planning on matriculating. They offered him a spot on the varsity basketball team and sponsored on-campus living, and Mama Choi didn't raise no fool.

Siwon raises an eyebrow in interest, and Shindong simply points at the envelope with his chin. Siwon takes that as the invitation it is, and he pulls out the letter inside.

Congratulations, Donghee! You have been accepted…

Siwon whips his head up to look at Shindong, who has the largest shit-eating grin on his face.

They need to talk about this. Now.

"Seonsaengnim!" Siwon abruptly interrupts the teacher's lecture with his hand straight in the air. He ignores all the eyes that turn to him in shock. "Donghee isn't feeling too well. Can I take him to the nurse?"

All attention shifts to Shindong, who improvises in stride. "Ughhhhhnnnn," he groans pitifully, slouching over on his desk for added effect.

"Very well, then," the teacher waves off. Siwon stands up and bows hastily before half-guiding, half-dragging Shindong out the door. "Awwwwwwgggggghhhh," Shindong keeps up the ruse as he stumbles out, affecting delirium.

Once they're out of sight from the doorway, they run down the halls until they reach the bathroom, trying without success to contain their giggles along the way. "Couldn't give me a head's up back there?" Shindong teases as he sits on the edge of a sink, lightly panting.

"Couldn't give me a head's up that you were applying to my university?" Siwon punches Shindong's shoulder, acting affronted, but he swoops in for a bone-crushing hug immediately afterwards.

Shindong awkwardly returns the hug. (Siwon pinning his arms to his side means he can only reach Siwon's elbows.) His voice is quiet when he says, "My hopes were already up. I didn't want to get yours up, too."

Siwon gets it, so he lets it and Shindong go. The excited smile stays on his face, though. "Are you gonna go?"

"I don't know, man. They gave me a scholarship, but that just brings the tuition cost down to the same price as the local uni. I'd still have to get a job or a work-study to help offset the costs; and on top of that, I'd be so far away from home…"

"... But you're willing to go through all that just to keep going to the same school as me?" Siwon offers cheekily, squashing that incredibly light feeling in his chest with humour.

Shindong rolls his eyes. "I was gonna say, 'But all that is doable, and hey, at least you'll be there for me to mooch off of,'" he says with an attitude, but the corners of his lips quirk up at the end.

"You're right. I'll be there for you," Siwon affirms. Something about the serious way he said that makes Shindong feel like he's missing something, but he brushes it off. He was a little nervous about going so far away for school, but he has a feeling he'll be fine with Siwon around.

~~~

Siwon sidles up to Heechul, who casually throws his arm around the newcomer's shoulders despite the height difference. "How's my favourite wallet doing?" Heechul teases.

They're the only two to share this free period, and they often spend it outside, chatting, listening to music, doing homework, whatever. This time, Siwon finds Heechul leaning against a wall and people-watching.

"What's your read on Shindong?" Siwon asks as casually as possible. He's hoping he doesn't need to explain further, and luckily Heechul doesn't need clarification. Heechul knows what Siwon means.

He also knows: "Give up before it's too late."

Siwon's hopes plummet. "Really?" he asks, face and voice coloured by obvious disappointment.

Heechul looks over at Siwon and realises it is, in fact, too late for the other. His heart clenches for his long-time friend, and Heechul finds himself equivocating out of a need to assuage him. "Maybe I'm wrong for once. Like, what do I know? I'm just 18."

Siwon tries on a bright smile. "Yeah, maybe. There's gotta be a first time for everything, right, hyung?"

But now is not one of those times, and Heechul knows it. "Don't say I didn't warn you, though." He tries on a reassuring grin and a friendly knock on Siwon's shoulder.

He knows it looks more like a grimace, and he knows Siwon is ignoring that. He just doesn't know how long it'll take before Siwon's heart breaks.

He may not have had Heechul's fullest support, but Siwon has spent Too Many days thinking about this to go back now. It took long enough as it is to even get to this point; but if he's being honest with himself, he knew it was only a matter of time.

He finds his opportunity on their way home from school the week before showtime.

"Shindong, wanna go to prom with me?" "What?"

Shindong gives him a look so incredulous, Siwon is reminded of one of those dogs with smushed faces. The thought makes him smile even though his heart feels simultaneously too heavy and too fast.

"Should I, um, should I repeat myself?" he asks while trying to hide his shaking hands by grabbing onto his backpack straps.

"I'm just… so confused. Didn't Kwon Boa ask you to prom yesterday? Did she dump you already? What did you do?!"

In truth, Siwon turned her down as soon as she asked him, but saying that now would be unhelpful for his purposes.

"Even if you did somehow fuck up your chance with the prettiest, most sought-after girl in school, you still could ask literally anyone to be your date? Why would you go the friend route for prom? It's not even a valid Plan Z," Shindong continues.

Siwon pouts. "If I can ask anyone, why can't I ask you?"

Shindong is unimpressed, and Siwon wavers in his conviction. He wasn't originally going to tell him, but…

This could be it. This could be his chance to confess to Shindong.

There's always the chance that Shindong would reject him, of course. He'd probably use Siwon's own technique against him, too; that would be pretty pathetic. Then he'd promise that this wouldn't affect their friendship, except it will because he'll be too awkward around Siwon; and slowly but surely, he'd pull away from the other until Siwon finds himself at university, alone and painfully aware of how close he is to his best friend who is completely out of reach—oh God, of course he can't confess to Shindong.

The aforementioned snaps his fingers in Siwon's face, and Siwon resolutely sticks to his plan. He throws a casual arm around Shindong's shoulder and forces them to keep walking. "I heard from the seniors before us that prom's more fun with friends anyway. Why go with some girl I don't know when I can go with you?"

"Siwon, I know you're lying to me."

"What?" Siwon's step falters.

"We're best friends, of course I know." Besides the fact that Siwon is unconsciously telegraphing, the other guys have found dates already. Siwon would have brought it up with all of them if he really wanted to go with friends.

Siwon bites his bottom lip, waiting for whatever fallout comes from his decision to open this can of worms.

Shindong sighs and slips his hand into Siwon's. He's learned touching helps. "It also means I know when to let it go. I'll go to prom with you, flower boy."

Siwon cannot contain himself. "HE SAID YES!" he yells into the sky as he runs around, hooting and hollering in unadulterated jubilation.

Shindong shakes his head with annoyed fondness as he continues walking home, expecting Siwon to catch up with him once he's tired out.

(And it turns out Siwon's seniors were right: prom is a lot more fun with friends.)

~~~

Their final hurrah takes place at the height of the summer. Between family vacations and Siwon moving in early for the summer basketball bootcamp the university is making him attend, it's the only time they'll have where all five are available before the fall comes and scatters them away.

Siwon's family lets them borrow one of their cars for the day, and they make the maknae drive them all the way to the beach as early as they could go (read: as early as Kangin could wake up). The day progresses with plenty of frisbee on the sand, frolicking in the sea, and flirting at the food shacks. The ever present feeling that this may be the last time all of them are gathered together in a long time is never lost on any of them, so they make the most of every moment, earning them unheeded glares from the lifeguard on duty.

Sunset finds them around a small bonfire near the surf. To no one's surprise, Kangin managed to lift some beers from his parents, so they drink as they talk and watch the embers float up into the gradually darkening sky. Gone with the sun is the high energy from the day, leaving behind a calmer and more contemplative atmosphere.

Heechul speaks up after a comfortable stretch of silence. "So, I already know what those two fogies are doing come fall," he says while pointing to where Siwon and Shindong sit on opposite sides of the fire, "but what about you guys?" he directs towards Kangin and Kibum. "All I know is that college really isn't the cards for you."

Kibum ducks his head shyly. "I, uh, made it past the first round of auditions at MS Entertainment."

"WHAT?!" "Like, the MS Entertainment!?" "Um, when was this?!" "You're thinking of joining the entertainment industry?"

The last question surprisingly comes from Siwon, and the other guys shoot him a look. Siwon lifts his hands up in defense. "It's just that, Kibum, I've never even heard you sing."

Kibum shakes his head. "No, I wanna be an actor. I realised it after I missed out on auditions for the school play. For just a few hours a day, it'll be nice to pretend I'm not me. I think I could be really good at it if I got the chance." The guys nod, knowing very well how Kibum struggles to be and express himself without pretense.

"I can't wait to see you on TV one day, man," Shindong says with a smile. "If you book a commercial, I am buying one thousand units of whatever you're selling. I don't care what it is. I'll end up with a thousand pairs of jeans if I must," Kangin jokes.

Kibum grins appreciatively and nods towards Kangin in turn. "What about you, then?"

Kangin puffs out his chest with pride. "I'm gonna start at a baseball development camp out in Gangwon. If I work hard and play my cards right, I might get recruited at one of the farm teams in the Futures League. It would be awesome if I got into one of the Seoul clubs, just so I could stay close to home."

Shindong smirks. "Okay, let's say you had to go to a southern team. Which one would you pick? 1, 2, 3…"

"The Dinos."

Heechul barks out a laugh. "If you think I'd go all the way to fuckin' Changwon just to see your sorry ass… Well, a bitch might."

Siwon quirks an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? What is the self-proclaimed biggest star in the universe, the Great Kim Heechul, doing instead?"

"Whatever it takes, man," Heechul says with a snort. "I'll get some part time jobs here, travel a little there… Just figure life out as it comes."

Kibum nods, well-acquainted with Heechul's myself-against-the-world attitude. Shindong, for his part, tries his best to offer a smile without looking pitying. He can't help but feel like Heechul is making his life harder for himself than it has to be—but now's not the time, and neither is he the person, for that conversation.

Kangin counters, "You might find yourself in Gyeongsang anyway then, hyung."

"Yeah; and if you were paying attention to me, you would have known I acknowledged that already, dumbass. Clean the wax outta your ears."

"How about I clean your clock instead!" Kangin yells as he launches at Heechul, and they start wrestling in the sand.

Shindong watches, reveling in the familiarity of the moment, and thinks about how close he was to not having any of this. "When I first moved here, I was pretty sure I was gonna spend the school year alone." The words come out of his mouth without prompting; but now that they're out, he finds he actually has something to say.

The boys turn their attention to him, Kangin and Heechul halting their bickering and sitting in place where they found themselves on the sand, and Shindong continues. "You know. I was the new kid, I was only able to afford the school because of my scholarship, I'm fat. If life were like a TV show, that wouldn't have been the most successful combination of factors." He quirks the corners of his lips up in a wane half-smile, then turns his gaze from the fire to the earnest faces of his friends. "But I met you guys, and nothing happened like I thought it would. Thanks for giving me a chance."

"Aish," Kangin says as he gets up and moves back towards the group. He stops behind Siwon and places a hand on his shoulder. "Don't thank us; thank this guy. He texted us one day all, 'I invited the new kid to sit with us at lunch tomorrow. Try not to be dicks.' If it weren't for him, I probably would have pushed you into the lockers once or twice just for fun."

"I probably would have helped," Kibum says with a shrug.

"I probably would have filmed it," Heechul pipes up.

Siwon waves their comments away with good humour. "You guys aren't that mean. Maybe you would have slapped the books out of his hands, but that's really it."

"Maybe we aren't mean now, but that's because you made us soft. Remember when I made Go-seonsaengnim cry in freshman year just with a glare?"

The conversation readily turns to their early high school memories, which Shindong would normally have loved hearing about, but his attention is elsewhere.

The dim light afforded by the fire casts impermanent shadows on Siwon's face that alternately highlight his boyish features and give him the appearance of a grown man. Shindong watches this and feels like he's seeing the present blurring into the future before his very eyes, and he finds it especially poignant that Siwon is the focal point of that illusion considering his role in changing Shindong's own life.

He's going to miss his friends and the gentle feeling of home he managed to cultivate for himself among them, but at least he won't have to miss Siwon.

~~~

College is harder than Shindong thought it would be, but it's easier in other ways too. He plays the first semester safe (he's not trying to get his scholarship revoked before the first year is over, thank you very much); but when the second semester comes around, he knows what liberties he can take with himself to have more fun without sacrificing his studies.

So when the volleyball team holds a party and invites the basketball team, Siwon offers his plus one to Shindong, and he double-checks that he doesn't have a shift at the campus mailroom the next day… well, he doesn't say no.

It isn't the first time he's gotten drunk (there's no way you could be in Siwon's friend group for a year without sustaining at least one hangover); but after a whole semester and winter of working and studying practically non-stop, the lack of inhibitions feels better than it ever had before.

Siwon is far more drunk, however. He is as clingy as ever, introducing Shindong to all of his basketball friends (and even some strangers) and constantly slurring "I miss youuu" into his ears.

He would hate it except he loves it. He misses the guy, too, after all.

"Shindong! Let's go see the stars!"

Siwon drags Shindong to the backyard of the house holding the party, no less noisy but definitely less crowded. He happily settles down onto one of the logs around an unlit bonfire and pats the space next to him in a clear invitation. The happy grin on his face is replaced with a pout when Shindong decides to sit on a different log just to tease him, but that doesn't stop him. Siwon just moves to Shindong's log and cuddles into his friend's side, enjoying the warm feeling spreading inside him. Is it the beer or the company? In any case, it's the most cosy he's felt since school started.

Siwon chances a glance upwards at Shindong. Not for the first time, he cannot help but notice how soft the other looks in the moonlight. His cheeks always look so fluffy and pinchable, but Siwon has never wanted to hold Shindong's face more than he does right now.

When he notices that Shindong notices that he is looking at him, Siwon is just drunk enough to hold his gaze.

Siwon is just drunk enough to move his face forward, as slow as the movement ends up being. Maybe that's because he's drunk, too. He's definitely not sober enough to stop.

Then he's drunk in a different way, because Shindong is the one to bring their lips together.

The moment is perfect, even more perfect than Siwon had ever dreamed of—and oh, did he dream. In the back of his mind, he thinks about going to church three times a week from now on to thank God for this blessing.

He wants to deepen the kiss, he wants to lean closer, he wants to touch—but just as he thinks about doing any of that, Shindong pulls away with a giggle. Siwon laughs too, giddy and uninhibited as he is. He reaches for Shindong's hand and wonders how long the other has felt the same way as he did.

The hand for which Siwon had been reaching escapes to throw a bro-y, friendly punch into Siwon's shoulder. Siwon is mildly confused, but nothing can wipe the smile from his face now. He just kissed Shindong! Is right now too soon to be calling each other boyfriends?

"That wasn't so bad, right?" Shindong says as he looks back up at the sky.

Uh, right. Understatement of the century. That was amazing, stupendous, earth-shattering, future-defining—

Shindong keeps talking. "Not exactly how I thought that was gonna happen, but there's no planning for these sorts of things anyway. What's college for if not experimenting and cutting loose?"

Siwon's lovestruck internal monologue stutters to a stop. "What?"

"Don't get me wrong, you're the prettiest guy I know—full stop—but if kissing you doesn't make me feel something, then I definitely must be straight." Shindong starts cackling then, like he said the funniest joke in the world.

Siwon's hearing fails him, but all he can think about now is how badly he wants to rewind time.

He wants to go back to before he knew what Shindong's lips felt like.

He wants to go back to before he had the first drink.

He wants to go back to before he even met Shindong.

"I gotta go," he manages to say, crushed as he is under the weight of the guilt he felt when that last thought traitorously passed through his head.

Shindong laughs harder when he watches Siwon stumble away. Poor guy must be so drunk. He might not even make it to the bathroom in time.

~~~

Avoiding Shindong isn't as hard as one would think. They're different majors. They live in different residence halls. He has the basketball team too, and Shindong was never the kind of person that keeps up with all his friends' activities anyway. A little "Sorry, I'm meeting someone for a project" here, a little "Sorry, Coach is slamming us with extra practise" there, and a whole semester passes by without spending extended time with his best friend and—he's not afraid to say it now—the love of his young life.

And that's exactly why he needs to avoid Shindong. He can't face Shindong casually right now—not when the only thing that will be occupying his mind is the look on Shindong's face immediately before, not when his palms itch to touch the other's cheeks so he can fold that feeling into his memory. He can't know what it's like to kiss Shindong and not be able to kiss him again.

So he's depressed, he's lonely, and he's irritable—exactly the kind of mindset you want to be in when you meet someone new.

"Hi, I don't think we really talked before," the lanky kid says as he stands up straight from where he was leaning beside the open door to Siwon's room. "I'm Hyukjae, but my friends call me Eunhyuk. I live down the hall." He points over his shoulder with his thumb as if Siwon didn't know which hall he was referring to, and the gesture immediately gets on his nerves.

Siwon glares at him, and the guy—Hyukjae; they're not friends—smiles a wide, gummy grin. "Sorry to bother you like this, but I noticed you were taking your stuff to your car. Are you packing your things into storage for the summer?" Siwon nods mutely, unsure where the other is going with this and approximately three seconds away from blowing him off.

"Listen, I have, like," he pauses to rummage around in his pockets and count the pieces of paper he pulls out, "10000 won on me right now. If I give you that and pay for gas and—I don't know—buy you dinner afterwards, would you help me move mine into storage too?"

Siwon's glare turns incredulous, which makes Hyukjae facepalm. "Oh! And of course I would help you move your stuff. That's a given. Although… you certainly don't look like you need the help."

At this last statement, Eunhyuk gives him a quick once over, and Siwon bristles. This whole situation is really grating on him. Why did this guy look at him like that? Why does it bother him that he did? Why is he supremely against this mildly reasonable request?

(Well, he knows why, and that's only adding to his frustration.)

Hyukjae senses how close Siwon is to turning tail, so he resorts to drastic measures. "Bro, help me out," he begs as he clasps his hands and falls to his knees. "I live all the way out in Ilsan, and I don't have a car. I would be, like, super indebted to you!"

"Ilsan isn't that far away," Siwon points out unimpressedly.

"Indebted!"

He stares at the boy's pout, the hands grasping cumbled bills of won, and the mullet-esque hair and thinks he might actually be more pathetic than even Siwon feels these days.

"... Alright."

Siwon ignores the other's resulting cheers as he returns to his task. He figures that the sooner he gets this over with, the faster he can go back home for the summer.

~~~

Like Siwon said, Ilsan isn't that far away.

As in, he and Hyukjae didn't have the worst time together while moving their stuff, Hyukjae decided they are now friends, and Hyukjae commutes into Seoul every other weekend to pester Siwon into hanging out with him.

In the beginning, he had no problems brushing the other off. Hyukjae isn't bad people necessarily, but he's a brat.

Case in point: The first time he actually agreed to hang out, Hyukjae forgot his wallet and Siwon begrudgingly paid for their excursions that day. Hyukjae hasn't brought his wallet with him since.

After that first time, however, it became harder and harder to turn Hyukjae down. He's depressed, he's lonely, he's irritable—but somehow none of that has pushed Hyukjae away yet. Against his better judgement, Siwon cannot help but be drawn to the individual who is experiencing the worst Siwon has to offer and chooses to spend time with him anyway. It's… nice.

The summer proceeds like that: Eunhyuk having a new hare-brained adventure haphazardly planned for the day, Siwon's wallet finding itself thousands of won lighter each time, and Siwon slowly getting out of his funk and coming back to himself.

Even as the summer draws to a close and their event options dwindle down, Eunhyuk manages to find something for them to do. A couple of weeks before they're set to move back in for the beginning of the next school year, Eunhyuk takes Siwon to a trendy new pop-up cafe in Itaewon.

Siwon likes it. It's lively but not too loud, the food isn't half bad, and the interior is fresh-looking without being overly cute.

He doesn't say any of this though, mostly because Eunhyuk isn't really saying anything either.

It's a testament to how much he feels like his old self again that he strongly considers asking the other what's wrong. Old Siwon wouldn't have hesitated. New Siwon rationalises if something is really bothering the other, Eunhyuk would say something himself.

He's halfway through his cheesecake when Eunhyuk lets his fork clatter to his plate. "Siwon, there's never gonna be a good time or a good way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. I like you."

Well, of course Eunhyuk likes him. He basically spent the whole summer with Siwon. The surprising part here is that Siwon means it when he says, "I like you, too."

Eunhyuk's eyes do something funny, then he shakes his head. "No, like—" He stops, takes a deep breath, and on the exhale he says, "Wanna go on a date with me?"

"... Oh."

And then Siwon's senses shift. His heart beat speeds up just a fraction more than it had been before Eunhyuk began talking, but he can't hear the crowd of the cafe anymore. Everything behind Eunhyuk's determined, hopeful face blurs into a mess of colours and light. When he swallows, he still has the aftertaste of the strawberry syrup from the cheesecake on his tongue.

"Um, okay," is all he says, but he can feel his lips tug upward in a small grin without his direction.

Siwon is greeted with a gummy smile, familiar yet new, and he cannot help but focus in on the revealed shade of pink.

~~~

Honestly, he forgets about Siwon.

There's only so many times he can get blown off before he stops trying to reach out in the first place, you know? Then midterms came around, then it was finals season, then he was too wrapped up in trying to find an on-campus job for the summer so that he wouldn't have to waste money and time moving out of his residence hall… Before he knows it, it's been a year since he and the guys had their beach day, and he uncomfortably realises he can't remember the last time he spoke to Siwon. Was it at that party in the beginning of last semester? That can't be right.

And yet, for a reason he cannot explain, he doesn't immediately reach out to Siwon first.

He starts off with Kangin, who hasn't made it to a team yet but has met with several scouts already and believes it's just a matter of time. Heechul answers him in English, of all things, and he has to use a translation app to find out that Heechul spent seven months in Australia as a freelance Hangul-speaking museum guide before coming back to South Korea to work at a brewery out in Jeju-do. When he texts Kibum asking if Kangin had made good on his promise to buy 100 units of whatever his latest commercial was selling, Kibum simply says, "lol."

Finally, the only one left is Siwon. Shindong is weirdly anxious to talk to him again, but he firmly pushes that aside.

He tries a text at first; but after two days with no response, he ups the ante.

"Hello?"

"Siwon-ah!" he cheers into the receiver. It had been so long since he heard Siwon's voice, and just the sound of it lifts his mood.

"Shindong-hyung, you called me." Siwon's voice sounds incredulous, and it makes him laugh. They're not people for phone calls, admittedly. It wasn't necessary back when they spent almost all their waking moments together.

"Hey, if you had just texted me back, I wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures."

Silence, then chuckles on the other end of the line. "Yeah, that one's on me, isn't it? I did that thing where I read it but only replied to it in my head."

Shindong waits for more, but Siwon doesn't continue from there. "So, um, what's been up with you lately?" he asks stiltedly. He frowns; he and Siwon don't do small talk. He tries again, "Did I mention I'm on campus for the summer? I got a job as the front desk guy at the Alumni Office. It has its boring moments, but at least I didn't have to move out of the dorms. I know some of the guys on my floor even rented a storage unit so that they wouldn't have to move back and forth with their stuff, which is just… so far beyond my budget right now, haha."

Siwon makes a funny noise like he choked on his own spit. "Siwon?!" Shindong calls concernedly into the line.

"It's fine, hyung," Siwon croaks out. "Listen, you kinda caught me at a bad time. I'd love to talk more, but I gotta go."

"Oh, sure," Shindong says in surprise. "See you when the school year starts up again, yeah?"

He holds onto the phone tightly. He doesn't know what he's wanting to hear exactly, but he waits in anticipation for Siwon's response anyway.

"Yeah, of course. See you later, Shindong."

The line clicks silent, and Shindong doesn't let himself read into it. Like Siwon said, it was just a bad time.

~~~

The new school year isn't terribly different from the previous one, but Siwon likes what it brings. He's still balancing the basketball team and classes, but he has Eunhyuk now. Eunhyuk introduces him to his best friend Donghae, and college starts feeling less like something happening to him and more like something he's living.

Early into the new semester finds the three of them grabbing lunch on campus, Siwon and Eunhyuk playing footsie under the table and ignoring Donghae's gags in the background. They're not really talking about anything important, so the conversation is easily derailed by the sound of someone hollering from across the student union.

"Siwon! Ya, Siwon!"

Siwon temporarily freezes. He didn't expect to hear that voice again so soon. He can feel his face do something funny as his body and his mind fight for control over what to do. He wants to play it cool; he wants to ignore the voice; but more than anything, he wants to see Shindong again. He has ever since the summer.

He listens to that part and turns around in his seat to wave. The sight of Shindong's eyes scrunched up in happy half-moons behind his thick-rimmed glasses makes his heart ache even as his body relaxes from tension he didn't know he was carrying. He misses Shindong.

"Siwon, you brat! I didn't hear from you much this summer, and I barely saw you last semester!" Shindong laughs jovially before turning to the other two at the table, and Siwon is surprised to remember they were there. "Hey, I'm Donghee, but you've probably heard this guy call me Shindong. Mind if I join you?"

Siwon eagerly motions for Shindong to grab a chair, and Donghae says, "Hey, Donghee. I'm Donghae." as if it were the most clever observation in the world.

Siwon eyes Shindong's politely amused grin and cannot help but laugh. God, he forgot how funny Shindong could be even when he isn't trying. The other brings a seat over to their table and chats pleasantly with Donghae, and Siwon takes the moment to take in the changes in his best friend.

His face is slightly less pudgy, but the puffy round cheeks Siwon loves so much are fully on display. He has a tiny ponytail sticking straight up from the crown of his fluffy hair, and it reminds Siwon of elementary schoolers on picture day in a way that warms his heart. He notices the suspenders and khakis combination that the other is wearing and remembers how hard it was for Shindong to get used to not having to wear a uniform to school anymore. It seems he finally settled on something that worked for him, as nerdy as it ended up looking. (Somehow, that is endearing, too.)

"Siwon, what's your weekend look like? We should do something, just you and me. Grab some newspapers, eat gyoza, catch up. You in?"

Siwon would like nothing more and almost automatically agrees. Luckily, before he could land himself in hot water with his excitement, his brain supplies that he and Eunhyuk were supposed to picnic in the park this weekend. He flicks his eyes over to his boyfriend, asking without words if he could go.

Eunhyuk nods, so Siwon says yes, and it feels like a piece of him that was asleep finally wakes up.

~~~

They're best friends again in no time.

Sure, there were some awkward instances when Shindong or Siwon would refer to memories that the other wasn't there for in a stilted reminder that there is time lost between them, but they easily catch each other up and fall back into old habits. Their lives intertwine in the seamless way they did back in high school, and Siwon's heart feels so full.

He can't help but ignore the red flags as a result. The more active he and Shindong are in each other's lives, the more he is aware of the fact that Shindong does not know the full extent of his relationship with Eunhyuk; and he admits he has made small—inconsequentially, really—concessions to keep it that way.

He's starting to suspect that Eunhyuk knows something is up, too. It brings him a little bit of guilt, but it's not like he's completely avoiding his boyfriend (been there, done that). Besides, the other hasn't said anything. He even invites Siwon over one weekend, so Siwon figures he probably hasn't messed up too badly yet.

When cuddling on the bed with legs intertwined while watching a movie turns into roaming fingertips and forgotten laptops droning on in the background, Siwon feels content like never before.

"Why does it feel like it's been forever since I kissed you?" he murmurs into Eunhyuk's hair afterwards, planting a kiss right there and embracing his boyfriend closer to his chest. He'd love to fall asleep like this…

But then Eunhyuk gently releases himself from Siwon's hold and sits upright in bed. "I have a feeling it has to do with how Donghee is hanging out with us a lot now," he says as he pulls his clothes back on.

Siwon's disappointment clears when his mind, unbidden, conjures up the memory of Shindong's reaction when he caught Heechul rounding second base with his date when they all went to the movies together one time. "Yeah, Shindong isn't big on PDA," he says as he follows Eunhyuk's lead.

"Sure, but I'm your boyfriend," Eunhyuk emphasises. "Hand-holding, kissing… stuff like that is pretty typical for most couples. He knows what he would be getting into when he hangs out with us, and he still shows up. Doesn't seem to me like it would really bother him."

Siwon's movement falters. So Eunhyuk has noticed. "I guess I'm just trying to be a little courteous," he hurries to say, the not-quite-a-lie sitting heavy on his tongue. "He doesn't know you yet, and I don't want to give my best friend any reason to dislike my boyfriend."

Siwon puts on his most convincing, disarming grin, and it somehow makes things worse. "You know, it's funny," Eunhyuk begins with light tone absolutely lacking in amusement, "Donghee's supposedly your best friend, but I haven't even heard of him before this semester. It's clear he hasn't heard of me either. Wanna explain why?"

Siwon frowns at the accusation. "He is my best friend." He may not have acted like it for a while there, but that fact will never change. It's just… "We weren't really, ah, talking much at around the time you and I met." He wants to stop there, but Eunhyuk raises an expectant eyebrow. "Um, remember that time in the student union? That was, sorta, the first time we had spoken in eight months."

The admission completely melts all of Eunhyuk's cold and angry tension, and the sight makes him even more antsy for some reason. Siwon is acutely aware that he didn't answer the entirety of his boyfriend's question, but the other is already moving on.

"You get why I'm bothered, right?" Eunhyuk asks as he sits back on the bed, and yes, Siwon does finally start to get how bothered the other really is. He's never seen Eunhyuk so despondent before. His entire being radiates tired sadness, and Siwon realises with a pang that he did that to him."This guy that I've never met before just shows up one day, and my boyfriend starts acting completely different around him!" Eunhyuk's pout has a chilling effect on Siwon without the hint of flirtation to which he was so accustomed, and Siwon has him wrapped up in a side-hug as if on autopilot. Eunhyuk happily cuddles into the embrace and lays his head on Siwon's shoulder, but Siwon barely notices, too consumed by the weight spreading all over his body.

He's fucked up.

He hasn't been going about this correctly at all, and it's hurting his boyfriend, and that hurts him, and he's fucked up.

He stands abruptly. "I gotta go."

"What?"

Siwon can barely hear the shocked hurt in his boyfriend's voice, he's so preoccupied with the immense and all-consuming guilt that weighs down his limbs. He can't get out of the apartment fast enough. He needs space; he needs more room so that terrible feeling that is expanding within him has somewhere else to go.

"Siwon, where are you going?!" Eunhyuk hurries after him and manages to intercept Siwon before he could open the door. If he were more himself, he'd chuckle at how his boyfriend, 9 centimetres shorter and 5 kilograms lighter, is trying to bodily prevent him from leaving; but in his state, even a feather could knock Siwon over.

"There's something you're not telling me, and I'm not letting you leave the apartment until you do. What is going on between you and Donghee?" he demands.

"Nothing!" Siwon despairs, and it's the truth.

"Why are you lying to me!"

"I've never lied to you," and that is also the truth.

"But you are keeping something from me." There's nothing Siwon can say to that, so he fidgets where he stands. Eunhyuk laughs mirthlessly. "And it's related to Donghee, too, isn't it? How long did you think you could go without telling me, huh? Did you think I wouldn't notice?!"

Siwon is still in flight mode, his brain is still foggy, so he latches onto the only coherent thought he has just so that he can respond to Eunhyuk. "Why don't you call him Shindong?"

Eunhyuk seizes in incredulous frustration. "Can you focus!? That is so beyond the point!"

Siwon closes his eyes and rubs his hands down his face in resigned acknowledgement. Yes, that was the wrong thing to say. "Hyuk, I'm sorry but… I really, really have to go. I need some time; I need to think. You deserve better than the first thought that pops into my head, but I can't give you that right here, right now."

Eunhyuk's shiny eyes are devastating even under the fluorescent glare of his apartment lights, and Siwon's heart urges him to do something. He steps forward, arms outstretched, but Eunhyuk steps out of his reach. "No, please," he says simply. He hastily wipes away the tears that pool at the rim of his eyes and looks anywhere but at Siwon. "When you touch me, I feel better even when I don't want to."

Siwon lets his arms fall back to his side. The need to leave wars with his need to comfort, so he does nothing.

Eunhyuk sniffles once, twice, then says, "Whenever something happens to me—big or small, bad or good—you've become the first person I wanna tell it to. Nothing feels real until I've told you about it." He hugs himself and turns away. "But you don't even want to talk to me."

Eunhyuk walks back to his room and lightly closes the door behind him, a silent cue for Siwon to leave. When he finally does several moments later, the image of Eunhyuk rejecting his touch replays in his mind, and his heart rebels with every step.

~~~

With time and distance, Siwon realises a lot of things about himself.

He's always wanted his first real relationship to be with someone he shared a lot with, someone he didn't have to force himself to spend time with or get to know, someone who made it all easy yet made the difficult parts worth it. He admits to himself that he always wanted his first real relationship to be with Shindong, but that evidently wasn't possible. Just when he had given up on that dream (and on himself), he found all of it and more in Eunhyuk, who literally showed up unannounced, bribed his way into Siwon's life, and pestered Siwon into letting him stay. Without knowing any of the details and without asking any questions, Eunhyuk managed to shake Siwon out of the depressive episode he was in simply by being himself. The warm excitement that coloured their days together were noted but taken for granted, and the cold emptiness that replaces it in the aftermath of their fight is frighteningly familiar. He regrets that it took the undeniable pain that can only come from heartbreak for him to realise that he had fallen in love with Eunhyuk, but at least he knows now.

He also now knows he's a coward.

He was a coward back in senior year when he couldn't tell Shindong why he asked the other to prom, he was a coward last semester when he cut Shindong out of his life for accidentally breaking his heart, and he's a coward now.

With Shindong is back in his life, Siwon thought he could somehow keep both his past love and his current love in the exact ways he wanted them without having to have any uncomfortable conversations, that the two of them would get along fabulously, and that Siwon's happiness would simply fall into place.

He also now knows he's an idiot.

Siwon has always prided himself on being a man of action. He had enough time and distance to reflect, recalibrate, and reload, so it is time for him to gather his courage and react.

He texts Shindong to do homework together at his place then immediately goes out to buy some food just to have something to do with the nervous energy that buzzes within him. He even buys snacks that he knows only Shindong likes because he needs every advantage he can get. He returns with no less pent-up energy than with which he started, so he sets to cleaning the whole apartment. He even attempts to do his homework to distract himself before he remembers homework is the ruse he told Shindong to lure the other over.

His nervous energy is apparent the second Shindong steps foot in the apartment. "Okay…" Shindong drags out as he plops his stuff onto the kitchen table that doubles as Siwon's desk. "Is there a major exam you're freaking out about or something? I can't promise I know anything, but I can promise to help you study."

Siwon lets a ghost of a smile cross his face, fondly remembering their intense study sessions back in high school that none of their friends were brave enough to join more than once. The memory passes, and he sighs. "No, it's not about class."

Shindong gestures. "Well? Out with it then. You know I'm just gonna leave if you're not gonna focus, and I really don't want to leave when there's an unopened pack of honey apple twists right there."

Honey apple twists are also Eunhyuk's favourite, so Siwon starts there.

"Eunhyuk is a man of questionable taste," Shindong pontificates as he munches on the newly opened snack. "He loves honey apple twists but hates seafood. He's best friends with Donghae but spends all his free time with you. What an enigma."

Siwon tries to chuckle, but it doesn't work. He takes a deep breath instead. He can't think of anything else to say except: "I think he's in love with me."

Shindong stops chewing. "What?"

"I think Eunhyuk and I spend a lot of time together because he's in love with me."

Shindong frowns, brows furrowed and looking genuinely upset. It takes Siwon aback for long enough that he gets distracted. "What?" he parrots.

"Dude, that's fucked up."

"What are you talking ab—"

"You can't just string him along like that! What is he gonna do when he finds out you don't like guys? Bro, if Heechul were here right now—actually, I'm just gonna call him because maybe you need to hear why that's fucked up from someone who gets it."

And there it was.

Every unspoken fear he'd ever had, every answer to his heartbreak, every problem he never solved.

He reaches out with his head down and gently stops Shindong's hand, halfway to dialling their high school friend whom Siwon hasn't spoken to since graduation. "I love him, in any case," he says to the ground.

Shindong lets his hand hold his phone in midair. "What?"

Siwon takes a breath, counts to three, and lifts his head to look Shindong in the eyes. "Shindong, Eunhyuk and I are dating. He's my boyfriend. He has been since the summer."

Shindong says nothing.

"I'm gay," Siwon says at last, so easily, because he knows that's not going to be the hardest confession of the night.

As soon as he says it, he can see the way so much clicks into place in Shindong's astute, masterful, beautiful mind.

"Is that why I haven't seen you since last semester," Shindong says instead of asks, "because you realised after our kiss and didn't want to tell me."

But not even Shindong can draw the correct conclusion when he isn't provided with every relevant fact. If he could, they would have cleared the air so long ago.

"No," Siwon says as he draws away, clasping his hands tight on his lap and wishing he could have told Eunhyuk he was gonna do this. He'd have said something to cheer Siwon up, and Siwon would remember that now, and it could give him courage. The only thing he has right now is the truth.

"No, that was because I was in love with you, and I realised you'd never love me back, and I needed time."

The silence that stretches out between them is awkward like no silence has ever been, even in the first few times they hung out again after reconnecting.

"For how long?" Shindong finally says.

Siwon tries to remember but finds he can't. It must have been one of those things that wasn't tied to any specific event, but a slow build until the whole of the structure was unmistakable. "Since the beginning, basically," he eventually settles on. "Not since the first day we met, no, but very, very close to it. I barely remember a time when I didn't know you and wasn't already in love with you."

"I see."

He finally looks at Shindong, who notices and meets his gaze for a moment before looking down at the table. In that one moment, Siwon could tell from Shindong's eyes that he can see now. He can tell the way Shindong is re-remembering every interaction they've ever had in a new light, and he simply waits. He has no more cards left to play.

Finally, Shindong looks back at him and says, "You should have told me. We should have talked about it. I could have been there for you."

Siwon smiles bittersweetly and looks away. "But not in the way I wanted you to be, and that's why I never said anything. No doubt, you would have absolutely been there. You would have been your funny, action-oriented, perfect self, within arms' reach but not mine for me to hold, and it would have broken me. Broken me worse than if you had dropped me as a friend completely."

Shindong is taken aback by the strength of Siwon's words, the seriousness with which he said them. "You must have been really in love with me."

Siwon turns the bittersweet smile to him then, tears shining in his eyes, and says, "So much. I loved you so much."

Shindong's heart breaks for his friend, his best friend, who suffered all alone and all on his account. He fiercely tugs Siwon into a hug and lets Siwon cry out every tear, every emotion, every everything from the last two years, all while murmuring "I'm sorry; I'm so, so sorry" into his friend's shoulder.

"For what it's worth, I loved you, too. I still do," he says when Siwon's tears subside into sniffles, but the younger is still clinging onto him. Shindong won't let go until he does.

"I know. I know you did, do. Me too," Siwon hiccups out.

With one last squeeze, he pulls away to give Shindong a watery but bright-eyed smile, and Shindong gives him one right back. The clock in the kitchen tells him they were only like that for seven minutes, but in that time it feels like they just relived every day of their entire friendship, finally on the same page.

"I'm in the mood for pizza," he says abruptly, reaching for his phone forgotten on the table. "Do you still like pineapples with yours?"

Siwon chuckles while wiping away some latent tears. "Please, yes. Eunhyuk won't let me eat that around him because 'it's gross American food,'" he says with air quotes.

"Maybe Eunhyuk is a man of taste after all," Shindong says as he waits for the phone to ring. He catches Siwon's eye just to sneer, "What's he doing dating you?"

Siwon laughs, a whole-belly laugh, and gets a second wind when Shindong calmly rattles off Siwon's own credit card number for the payment information.

~~~

It's been almost two weeks since Eunhyuk last spoke to Siwon, the memory of his boyfriend's face as he begged for time haunting his undistracted moments. He's busied himself with dance practice, homework, and even once tried accompanying Donghae to the gym just to get his mind off of how much more lonely he feels. It was pretty bad before when Eunhyuk was convincing himself that the way his boyfriend was pulling away was all in his head, but with confirmation from Siwon himself, it just got so much worse.

Donghee—He's not about to start calling him by that ridiculous nickname. The only thing Donghee is good at, as far as he's concerned, is ruining his mood—first came into the picture like spilled paint across a canvas: completely and all at once where before there was none. He showed up at group hangouts and even tagged along to his and Siwon's casual day dates, sometimes at Siwon's own behest!

Siwon also didn't touch Eunhyuk as much when Donghee was around, which is saying something because Siwon is literally the clingiest man in all of South Korea. To have such a gentle, romantic, constant aspect of his relationship almost completely stop without explanation… Of course Eunhyuk was lonely. The only thing that stopped him from saying something sooner was how undeniably happy Siwon was with Donghee back in his life, and Eunhyuk didn't want to ruin that for him.

But now it seems like their whole relationship is ruined instead, and the idea that this is how it all ends makes him even more miserable.

It is during one of these pessimistic slumps that he gets a text from Siwon that he, Donghae, and Donghee are working on the quad together. Siwon signs it with "I miss you 😘," and Eunhyuk's heart clenches. He misses Siwon too, but he's not really in the mood to watch him and Donghee together.

He realises he's not really in the mood to be alone right now either. He considers texting Donghae to fake some emergency so that he could be with Eunhyuk, but Donghae texts him first. "don't bail i promise."

The fact that Donghae, the only one who happens to know the full extent of Eunhyuk's insecurities and worries about the situation, is the one saying that piques his interest. If Donghae thinks it'll be safe for him, Eunhyuk will trust that.

He sees them before they see him, and it plays out slowly like a movie. They're all sitting in a quasi-circle on the grass in the middle of a laugh. The scene is so picturesque, and the jealous pang in his chest rings loud and true.

He almost turns on his heel right then and there, but Siwon notices him before he can.

Siwon's smile is bright and free, and he makes grabby hands for Eunhyuk like he hasn't in a while. Eunhyuk's feet carry him forward without him telling them to, and he has a feeling that was his heart leading. Despite it all, next to Siwon is where he wants to be.

He settles into the space by Siwon with a little unease, which dissipates completely when Siwon shifts them so that Eunhyuk is between his open legs and Siwon is giving him a cosy backhug. As much as he wants nothing else, Eunhyuk fights the urge to lean in, acutely aware of Donghee's presence.

"Siwon-ah." Eunhyuk squirms. "I'm 'Siwon-ah' now, not 'Siwonnie?'" He can hear Siwon's pout even as the other squeezes Eunhyuk to himself tighter. He puts a little more effort into escaping Siwon's embrace, but Siwon simply uses his legs to lock him in.

Eunhyuk laughs; he can't help it. He wiggles as frantically as possible—not to actually get out of Siwon's hold, just to give him a hard time trying to hold on—and Siwon playfully bites his ear to get him to stop. Eunhyuk lets out a mock gasp, prepared to do something drastic, when all of a sudden they both tumble onto the grass.

Eunhyuk looks up to see Donghee calmly returning to his spot, acting like he did nothing wrong and ignoring how Donghae assaults his back with amusement. "I've wanted to do that for forever!" Donghae cackles.

In embarrassment, he begins to sit up, but Siwon doesn't let him, instead pulling Eunhyuk back down and on top of him. He looks for the reason why in Siwon's eyes, and Siwon just gives him a small smile before leaning up to brush his lips against Eunhyuk's. It was a soft little thing, but it calms him down nevertheless.

He folds his hands on Siwon's chest and rests his head on top of them, facing the side where the other two weren't sitting. "I thought Shindong isn't big on PDA," he repeats, keeping his voice neutral but loud enough for Siwon to hear. In this position, he can hear Siwon's heartbeat as he plays with the collar of Siwon's shirt. He doesn't know what to make of its calm and strong cadence when he knows the other can feel his own heart rate spike in nervousness.

"You're my boyfriend, though," Siwon maintains, echoing their conversation from a week before with the roles noticeably reversed.

Eunhyuk jerks his head up to face the other. He doesn't think Siwon has called him his boyfriend in front of Donghee yet before.

Siwon must see something in his face because he reaches up to hold one of the hands on his chest and squeezes twice. I'm sorry about that, it says. We'll talk about everything later. Eunhyuk nods, looking at Siwon with so much trust in his eyes that Siwon smiles the same wide, happy grin that made Eunhyuk fall for him in the first place.

With a louder voice, Siwon says, "Besides, Shindong's a big guy. He'll find it within him to get over it."

"YA! DID YOU JUST MAKE A FAT JOKE ABOUT ME?!"

Siwon winks at Eunhyuk before sitting them upright and into a more casual cuddle, Eunhyuk against Siwon's side and Siwon's arm across Eunhyuk's shoulder.

Eunhyuk ignores the ensuing banter between Siwon, Shindong, and Donghae, instead looking up to observe his boyfriend. Siwon's different again, but in a good way, he decides. For the first time since they met, Siwon looks completely unburdened, completely secure.

And yet he's still here, holding Eunhyuk to him like he used to, which means whatever Siwon let go of, it wasn't him.

Eunhyuk knows they still have to talk, that there’s a lot of explaining Siwon has to do and a lot of confused pain he has to work through, but he also knows there's time for that now. Siwon isn't going anywhere; and neither is he, for that matter.

He looks over at the other two across the way and muses that Shindong isn't going anywhere either, but he finds that's not such a problem anymore.

(Siwon's laugh breaks his concentration, and he notices that's different, too—better than before, even.)

In fact, he might even welcome it.

~~~

[keunayuya]

Hanggang sa Huli MV Story Timeline

Original words written for and based from the MV (October 09, 2020)

Year 2009 | JUSTIN

Justin, Sejun, Constantine, and Aly were classmates and on the same circle of friends. Justin was about to admit his feelings for Aly but was taken aback after knowing the news that Aly received an Int'l scholarship and needed to go abroad.

Year 2019 | SEJUN

In 2015, Constantine, who was Sejun's apple of the eye, died in an accident during their High School reunion. After four (4) years, Sejun, who was left disabled and on a wheelchair after the tragedy, couldn't move on with the death of his loved one.

Year 2019 | JOSH

Josh came back to his hometown to reminisce everything about his childhood friend, Athena. He saw a young kid playing at the playground and he gave his red string bracelet, only to find out that the mother of the kid was Athena, who also had the same red string bracelet.

Year 2034 | KEN

Athena's daughter, whom Ken had a crush on, still wore the red string bracelet after many years. However, Ken found out that she had a girlfriend when he saw them at a cafe. One time, Ken defended Athena's daughter when a guy blocked her way and almost harrassed her.

Year 2034 | STELL

Stell had a secret love on a girl who always visited the cafe he was working at. He always put a note on her favorite spot but the lady had no idea where they came from. When he was about to admit his feelings through the one last note on the table, he found out that the girl already had a lover.

Photo Source: SB19 Official

----

Justin, the director and writer of the MV, liked our posts about this on Twitter so it was the legit story 💕

[thoughtsdying]

People trying to force romance in kids and teenagers and frankly anyone is shit. I had weird ideas of romance as a preescolar bc of it. I said, legit, that four of the poor boys in my classroom were my “boyfriends”. Their opinion of course, was unnedeed.

What I mean, as I can disluce from my foggy memories of being 4, is that I thought having boyfriends was the proper to do thing  as was having imaginary friends but that’s another story so I invented a list and choose the boys based in who liked to play pursue at recess. 

My actual one male-friend (a quiet kid with no friends I remember) and two ones I thought were ok (funny to play with) + the one I saw as my rival for top grade (I have that obsession with rivals in anime from somewhere xd + he was cute).

When I arrived at primary school I did the same thing the first two years to three boys. One was left out of this twisted game quite easily, the other was my second friend in the new school (later out as gay) and thought I was crazy but awesome, so whatever and the third I gave trauma and stalker issues. Not seriously but like. He had to tell his mom to tell my mom to leave him alone bcs I didn’t listen to him. YIKES lil’me YIKES.

 Bc we girls played at weddings in the recess, and when not marrying girls we dragged boys into our games. Various times he was the groom, kicking and screaming, literally. Then we both runned away bc they wanted us to kiss and kissing someone forcibly was gross for me even at 7, thank god, not so yikes lil’me.

 Plus the feeling of us against the others the runs gave me were pretty dope. Thankfully my mom was a saint and explained quite well why it was wrong, plus that sometimes people are shy and prefer to be left alone with just subtle gestures no need to overwhelm them. Attract them to you. It was obviously a ploy to make me leave alone the poor boy that worked perfectly lmao

I didn't really like him; he was just intelligent and not a douche, kept to himself. (Do we see a pattern?) He was quite the friki at 12 the last time I saw him so personality-wise for a friend I had good instincts xD

 We had a cool few talks in the travel of sixth grade (last year of primary) and at graduation which made me realise we could have been good friends if I hadn't been such a weirdo to him. I apologized and explained a bit of the mess, and he talked to me about his stress at the time, and then we talked about silly stuff.

Also, a weird time in fitfh grade when people thought a guy from the theatre and I were dating. To be fair he confessed to me, and we were friends. Later he told me that I had been his first girlfriend to which I told him no way, I had no idea, it didn’t count. WE WERE 11!!! LMAO

Then nothing. A weird aesthetic wanna be her friend thingy on a girl in 3rd of ESO at 14 which to date is the closest to a crush I've come. I think. From what other people describe. I didn’t dare be her friend. Plus we didn’t have many things in common. She was... normal. But really long pretty black hair. It completely disappeared towards the next year.

Two other cases of me building a weird fantasy in my head of a nebulous vaguely romantic friendship + some kiss but no sex or real attraction towards two guys, one a liminal friend in the bus home from hc at 16 and the other a case of I make vaguely dating gestures towards you bc wanna be friends and you cool. I swore off romance after that last disaster (disaster in my mind. I simply ghosted a potential friend and a friend who was his cousin).

I had a more serious almost something with a fem-friend but that's another history.

What I was getting into with young me embarrassing not-romantic history is that forcing romance caused these situations to happen and made me lose or break potential cool platonic friendships. I hated getting into them but some nebulous concept of obligation + fantasy made me fall for the illusions. 

And primary school children and toddlers... gah. I know some people are like, but yeah romance and I remember my first crush/kiss etc. But I’m blank. It was all part of some grand joke everybody was playing. (big aro mood I think) I didn’t understand what like everyone was referring to. 

I still don’t get the overcomplicated messes of teenage-me friends, nor YA-actual-me. I get people is stupid and delicate and we’re all unable to be sincere. But I’ve never lost my head so much. Dunno, I still want like superfriends with whom to be intimate and share things with. But a romantic partner??

。。。Maybe is my family culture? My mother separated from my father (may that asshole go to therapy one of these days) when I was 5 and since then has been in 2 relationships of 2-3 years each with a long separation in between. Her brother and sisters are also forever-bachelors, my only cousin only met his father once a few years ago. 

My grandma divorced my grandad when she caught him with another woman, and told him after slapping him “she or me” and he said “both, this is what there is”, and she said “out of my house you aren’t making a fool of me” and yeah. With five children. Generational trauma, or just high standards? THE QUESTION OF MY LIFE LMAO

They’re quite happy even so, I like to think. But yeah. 

[tazzykiki]

I’m tired, angry and bored so here we go! A messy list of fucked up Public School Things that may or may not be a universal experience:

The Lunches were a mix of good and horrible:

I was usually fine with the lunches because they were pretty decent and, like, yay food! But looking back they were just, so wrong????

Like in my middle school lunches AND breakfast were a mess. I got food poisoning like once or twice from the breakfast and the lunch was pitiful. At one point they just stopped cooking the pasta and left a bunch of uncooked, powdery noodles in a plastic box like anyone was gonna grab them and be like “mm yes! my favorite! hard noodles!”. Like what the actual fuck.

The pizza was also in a box, none of the toppings were labeled so it was a gamble on what type you would get, and most of the time they were burnt. In HS the pizza was fine but it tasted fake as hell and I’m pretty sure they just took some rubber and put cheese on it.  

My HS lunches were better but even then it was just, really concerning how limited and odd the food was. Luckily we didn’t have to pay except for like cookies and stuff smaller than your hand that costs like $2 cuz they want to “promote healthiness” despite feeding us what is basically prison food.

The class sizes were horrifying: I’m sorry but what person can teach 30+ rowdy kids and be perfectly fine??? Not to mention this was the norm the whole day! Imagine grading all those papers, keeping track of every student, and making sure they all shut up long enough to teach. And that’s just for the teachers who actually care.

Like a class size should be a max of 20 with a few exceptions. Do you know how stressful it is for everyone involved? Not to mention, 30 kids was considered SMALL!! Some classes had 40, even 50 STUDENTS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK.

We never had enough books, or supplies, or anything. Usually by the half point of the year, half the books would be missing or destroyed and it was a mess. In HS the Drama and Music teachers had to deal with like, one class of 10-20, and then like 5 classes of 40-50(all mixed grades too). And you know what’s even more fucked up? There was only one of each teacher.

There was one drama teacher. Who btw deserves the world and legit cares about her job and students. I honestly hope she quit and went somewhere better. She had to put up with 40+ screaming kids, grade all of those assignments, deal with insult and harassment(she was plus-sized and white. So she couldn’t talk back, would get insulted, and more.The only white people allowed to be sassy in that school were funny white men that were laid back), and had barely enough supplies to get by.

There was one music teacher. Who also deserves the world and legit cares about her job and students. She had to deal with 40-50, almost 60+, kids. The majority of them being sophomores and freshman, with bits of seniors and juniors. She taught music, taught band, and organized events and performances. She is, I believe, the first and only music teacher in that school and that’s just so fucked up. Like imagine being one person and having to manage hundreds of students like that.

There was only one digital arts teacher but I have no idea what they did since you can’t choose what class you attend. I just know it was constantly crowded, never really applauded, and they weren’t involved in a lot of things.

Oh yes how could I forget the art teacher! Yeah no there was no art class that involved drawing and painting. Apparently that class was scrapped years ago and has now turned into a JROTC locker! :D Speaking of JROTC:

JROTC and Sports had too much support and that’s a serious problem:

Hey maybe it’s because I’m an art kid and I hate exercising(because every attempt to do so was met with laughter, humiliation, and the ridicule of my body even though I can’t control how my body grows and changes), but man did JROTC and sports(specifically football) have way too much attention.

We had not one, not two, but FOUR ENTIRE JROTC CLASSES! Classes training you to be in the military, specifically Air Force. Classes you HAD to take unless you wanted to be in gym(never had the class but from what I’ve heard, there were about 50-70 kids, mostly male, filling up that class and they didn’t do anything but play ball or whatever. All of course, taught by one guy).

Somehow this program had enough support for uniforms, 4 different classrooms, supplies, several teachers(all of whom were in the military at one point[they were chill except for the freshman teacher who called you a whiny baby for being in pain]), and more. 

Not to mention, every so often military people would come by with pretty pamphlets and fun little strength tests and have kids to sign up to newsletters and shit and ask them to join the military when they graduate so they can get free college and happy fun times!! :D

Football was given way too much attention, even over the other sports, and I absolutely hate it. Every month was about  football, football, football. So much money went into football, so much support went into football. Yeah yeah yeah follow your dreams or whatever the fuck they tell you on Disney Channel, but there was too much support on this one sport that involved kids breaking their heads open. 

Please please give me ONE valid reason why this irritating-ass sport had so much attention while art students, craft students, theater students, music students, students who want to work in literally any other field that doesn’t involve science or sports had to fucking scrape every tiny little chance they could from the crumbs that were left behind. PLEASE tell me why I had to join a completely different program that was hella exclusive and restricted to Juniors and Seniors that had a certain skill-level just to have a proper arts class while football players got a cool fancy bus, a shit ton of gear, and praise every single day(seriously their pictures and trophies were everywhere). 

Why is it that they get scholarships and full rides for throwing a ball around and bashing their brains open while I had to fucking destroy my hand and scramble around for some shit like $200 which I wouldn’t even get because I don’t have the skill to paint the mona lisa or whatever. Anywayyyy~

Hey what the fuck was up with the rules? Sorry kids but if you’re reading this, everything they tell you on tv about high school is a lie. Unless you watched the Dora the Explorer movie, then that was actually pretty accurate.

Hey is it weird we had metal detectors and legit police officers(who were armed) in our school? Is it weird that we had to wear plastic, see-through book-bags, that weren’t even given to us for free and were so weak that they had to get rid of that rule because they would break after like 2 months? Is it weird we were all stuffed into a nasty, sticky, pest-ridden, staircase right in front of the main doors in the morning because we weren’t allowed all the way inside for whatever reason unless it was for a club(i.e. sports)? Is it weird that we were all trapped in the lunch room by security guards because they didn’t want kids roaming the halls even though they already did? Is it weird we weren’t allowed to go to the bathroom and were always told “you should’ve went your last class” when your last class didn’t let you? Is it weird we weren’t allowed to use the bathroom and were always told that “you should’ve went during the transition time” even though the transition time was only 4 minutes and the hallways were so crowded that it’d be time for class by the time you’d get there?

Is it weird that when we were allowed to use the bathroom, all of the bathrooms were locked and only one on the other side of the school was open, and the majority of the stalls were broken? And they kept the bathrooms locked, even after school, because they didn’t want kids skipping class even though they still did?

Is it weird that if you didn’t have a belt(if you were male), or a part of your uniform, you would be prevented from going to class if there were no more temporary uniforms?

Is it weird that if one kid did something bad, the entire class would be punished and class time would be wasted and the point of punishment would be lost because the teacher wanted a taste of power or whatever?(hey one time in 8th grade, both classes had to stand in one long ass line for about half an hour because someone was talking and it was treated like it was a joke. this took up our breakfast time too)

Other Shit: One time my HS got like $20,000 and instead of using it to fix at least one thing, they wasted it on useless flatscreen tv’s and SAT “tutors” that taught us 3rd grade english & math, how to annotate(I swear to fucking god one more person try and teach me how to underline a motherfucking sentence---) and did absolutely nothing to help us. Meanwhile the football players were living like kings.

We had a strange assortment of teachers, ya’ll know about my junior and senior english teacher. But did I ever tell you about the freshman JROTC instructor? She was so much fun~ I remember one time!!! ooh this is a good one :DDDD!!!! that I was in so muuuuuch pain that I was crying and couldn’t move! and guess what!!!!???? ooh! ooh! guess! She called me a whiny baby and said I was overreacting!!!! omg? She was so right tho, I was totally overreacting to being in immense, insufferable, pain that no one even attempted to be concerned about~~ 

Oh here’s another good one: I used to cry a lot! It was horribly embarrassing and not fun~ I was either sick, on my period(which according to the multiple doctors I had to be rushed to, was normal and the intense pain was hereditary), or having an emotional breakdown~ This lasted from 5th grade to Senior Year of HS! :D

One time I was in a lot of pain, 7th grade I believe, and cried for a whole hour straight. What did my teacher do? Have me sit in class while everyone went to like social studies or whatever, talked with some teachers, and then complained about how I “cried and cried and cried for an hour straight” with no concern whatsoever. BTW the nurse was never there and even then she was kinda useless.

Don’t even get me started on the several times I was on my period and was actually screaming in pain and was still looked down on because a student screaming and hollering in pain is no cause for concern obviously~ Really surprising how a lot of the male teachers and staff were more concerned then the female ones, especially the science teacher who has a uterus, has multiple daughters, and the audacity to say I’m ~overreacting~. I’m so happy our teachers and schools have our priorities in order.

Note: If you’re horrified by this. Good. You should be.

More misc things: My HS had a shit ton of roaches, water bugs, and whatever those long disgusting things that walk around on the walls and fall off once you see them. Art meant nothing to them. Teacher sanity meant nothing, student sanity meant nothing. The principal was great and I blame whoever’s “funding” schools and working behind the scenes.  I know this was more about personal stuff, but like a lot of things like large classes, lack of supplies, lack of empathy from teachers, constant pests, horrible food, stupid rules that hurt us more than helped, really weird exposure to cops and military, and too much focus on one subject is super common in public schools and I really really want it to stop.

[n0rdicalien]

Pride Month; Experiences of a Gay Man

Story One - Coming Out: 

I thought I could trust my brother, but It turned out not a good idea. I believe around the time when I was 15 years old? I tried to come out to my brother as bi. The whole terrible gateway to homosexuality conversation from a gay person to a straight person thing. And this was in a car on my way home from school. My brother progressively got more aggressive and offended by the fact I was bi. Drawing attention to the fact “YOU LIKE IT IN THE ASS?” all enraged. I had to lie to him via text saying that I made it up and practicing my acting for a school play. He bought it. When I entered high school, I came out to my friend who I thought I trusted. She ended up blabbing to a friend. I forgave her for it because It really forced me into being who I am and confident. Though later this girl developed a taste for drama and attention. She is a very nice person now. I later came out to my parents, where my dad took it fine. And my mom was a little worried as if it was a phase. 

A friend tried to come out as bi, and I got super offended because I thought he was like.. making fun of me as if it was some kind of fad. This group was really into emo/scene kids. He later fell out of the group and found a closer relationship to drugs. I only found out because he one day asked for cash to buy some from the school's drug dealer. I hope he is doing well. I realized maybe if I had not felt like that.. he may have been my first boyfriend. I did have my first legit boyfriend till i was about 20. Was a big shame because I was pretty love-struck and lonely all through high school.

Story Two - Harrased: Back in high school, a guy harassed me for being depressed and gay (I was on adderal and concerta, and its side effect can cause depression and anxiety. It made me severely depressed/anxious/nauseated. Family environment didnt make it any better). He would message me online calling me a faggot and trying to coerce me to kill myself. And because he went to my school, I felt very unsafe, stalked, and had to ninja around campus in hopes to not be near him. In fact we had mutual friends, whom Im unsure if they really intervened. Ya'know that whole socially irresponsible thing "oh hes nice to me" but yea hes trying to convince your depressed gay friend to kill himself. I later found out that he got caught trying to rape someone. Was a mutual friend's friend's girlfriend??? I never thought to tell my parents/adults at the time. I think I was 16. I think one friend at the time actually really stuck their neck out for me to help me feel safer. Story Three - An encounter. As mentioned before, I was pretty lovestruck in high school. When I was 18, I had been talking to these two dudes from adam4adam. We’d skype often. What happened was it was really one dude, pretending to be two. He would use software to intercept his webcam (when I asked for proof). He played it off as if they were roommates and I was a complete idiot because he played me pretty well. I didnt figure it out until I noticed some inconsistencies in chatting, webcams, as well he accidentally shared the wrong feed through the webcam showing himself.  Before I found out he was a creep. I had planned to meet one roommate, which didn't follow through so I met the other. It didnt really occure to me that this kind of situation should of been a red flag. That the one dude I wanted to meet just couldn't come. Ill add Im really into tall dark haired guys. And this dude I wanted to meet was that. But I met this other dude, and when he got to this park where I lived. He got really aggressive and started forcing me to kiss him. It was my first kiss, and his breath smelt like milk. I said “No, this isnt a good idea” and he's just told me it was fine. ANd after a bit I kind of just gave in as he held me really tight. I am kind very uncertain if I could call this sexual assault or rape. But I know from a technical standpoint, not giving consent, in the beginning, it could be called that.  Story Four - The First I never really thought Id be so averse to Public display of affection. Nothing more than any straight couple would. And its not like I dont like it. Its just the very clear negative attention I noticed. My first boyfriend, I dated a pretty “confident” theater major. We sat in a park at a club event... just on a bench in relationship distance. I believe he was just laying his head on my shoulder.. and I noticed this older dude doing a double take around the corner. It was the first time I experienced bad vibes in this kind, and it occurred to me what potential danger could look like as a gay couple. And I know the double take was at us for different reasons. One body language, the dude was facing towards us, Two, Eye contact, he was literally looking at us, three, environment, the path was straight, where the left side was lined with bushes. I dont believe he could be looking at anything else. This just painted a picture and gave me confidence in the experience.

[crackdkettle]

wait, what? your grandpa was murdered by his wife?????

First of all… I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it….

Let’s start at the beginning. My dad’s dad was a total sleazebag but also his early life was nuts. The year after Pearl Harbor, he lied about his age on an enlistment form and joined the Navy at fourteen (all four sides of my family are incredibly young-looking, so I have no idea how he got away with this except that maybe the Navy just didn’t care). No one knows what happened to him during the war because he refused to talk about it until the day he died, so… probably some pretty traumatic stuff. That doesn’t excuse anything he did afterward, it’s just kind of crazy.

Anyway, the war ends, he somehow meets and marries my grandmother, a younger daughter of one of the founding families of the Nazarene church, an ultra-conservative sect of Christianity. He’s twenty-one; she’s nineteen. Less than a year later, my dad is born. It’s another six before his younger brother comes along, and by then things are bad. How bad? After eight years of marriage, my grandma packs her seven- and one-year-old sons into the car and files for divorce. You have to remember this was the 1950s and she was part of an extremely conservative family. That’s how bad being married to my grandfather was: my grandma considered the social stigma and possible — even likely — familial ostracism a fair price to be free from him (albeit a price she ultimately didn’t have to pay as she swiftly remarried — this time the younger brother of her church organ player, and a member of another Nazarene founding family (in retrospect this gives me a much greater respect for my step-grandfather, as it seems so out of character for him to willingly saddle himself with such “damaged goods”; he must have really loved her)).

The impetus for this was one of my grandfather’s affairs — a really, really horrible one. You see, Grandpa was a high school principal and he began an affair with preyed upon one of his students, i.e. a minor, i.e. a child who was only seven years older than his own son. How did he not end up in prison?! Why didn’t her parents do something?!? These are questions that haunt me to this day.

So yeah, Grandma packed up her sons and got the hell out, and Grandpa, instead of heading straight to the prison where he clearly belonged, was forced to quietly resign, and he and the girl headed north (where were her parents?????) and waited for her to turn eighteen so they could marry, which they eventually did. (btw, he got a job at another high school because our country has always been broken!)

Wife 2 soon found she didn’t enjoy being married to Grandpa any more than Wife 1 had, but unlike my grandma, Wife 2 had neither a family to whom she could turn nor a degree with a built-in career (or indeed, any work experience at all) with which she could support herself and her four children (this was by my grandfather’s design — he prevented her from ever getting a job because if she couldn’t work, she couldn’t leave; he’d learned at least one thing from his first marriage (or rather, from his divorce)). Meanwhile, Grandpa was coming down south a lot, allegedly to visit his sons, but really to continue his long-term affair with a married teacher from his old school (although this didn’t come out until much, much later, when the woman’s husband found out and told Wife 3). He was that kind of guy.

(You can understand why a legit fear I have is that one day I will unknowingly end up dating my own cousin or even uncle — which would be horrible not only for the obvious reasons, but also because every man in that family is a dirtbag. Zero exceptions. My dad is the best one and my dad S U C K S.)

Eventually several decades pass, the four kids grow up, and Wife 2 gets a job and finally escapes (I’d been born by this point, so it’d been quite a while). Grandpa swiftly marries one of his northern mistresses, a woman who goes completely against his type by being neither young (she was older than him) nor submissive.

(It’s worth noting, I think, that by the time he got his second divorce, each of his six kids had had or was currently having at least one stint in jail/prison (including my dad, notably just before he met my seventeen-year-old mother who only knew him as “the organ player’s nephew who was just in jail for stabbing someone”; side note: he was twenty-four; those men like ’em young).)

I don’t recall a ton about Wife 3 (or my grandpa, in fact; I only saw them maybe six or seven times in my life, at most, and the last time was when I was around eight), but I do remember she scared the shit out of me. At this point Grandpa was in his sixties and had Type 2 diabetes, but aside from eventually having to have a few toes amputated, he was in relatively decent health. After they’d been married five or six years, Wife 3 began systematically cutting him off from the rest of his family. Then he died, leaving everything he had to her. She had him cremated immediately — and by immediately, I mean before she told any of his kids he was dead. When they were like, “Um, hey, what the hell, what if we wanted to see our dad one last time??” she claimed, in what seemed to be utter seriousness, that she had to cremate him immediately or he would have haunted her forever.

He came from a long-lived family; his sisters lived well into their nineties. He was seventy-two.

This is all circumstantial, and no one ever actually accused her of murdering him, but…

She totally murdered him.

[juicedguava]

Winspector: Episodes with Best Character Moments

So you're sick of Tokusatsu episodes where you get to know more about one-off characters than the heroes. Out of 49 episodes in Winspector, more than half contain moments that reveal the core team’s backstory, motivations and general awesomeness so that you'll care whether they succeed and survive their dangerous cases. 

Read more for short summaries of 27 Winspector episodes organized by character(s)!

Entire team/Multiple members:

(Episodes that feature Winspector’s growth as a team also contains the best of Commander Masaki Shunsuke.) 

E1 - Introduction to the members of Winspector.  

E2 - Insight into the bond between the Kagawa siblings and Hisako+Masaki's shared backstory along with Masaki’s reason for forming Winspector. 

E13+E14 - First upgrade two-parter! Bikel gets a police bike and Demitasse, a new lil' and snarky robot buddy. Ryoma falls off a cliff and nearly dies. Masaki steps up to test an upgraded version of the Winsquad, only for Ryoma to appear whole and healed due to siscon a burning heart of justice.  

E15 - Ryoma gets amnesia after Masaki's old nemesis lures him into a trap. The most intense mindfuck out of the many mindfucks in this series.

E17 - Winspector VS alien goo that thrives on protein! Also the Zombie episode where zombified civilians are literally on the attack with pitchforks. NOT TO BE MISSED.

E23 - Ryoma and Hisako go undercover as a Four-eyed Lackey and a Very Important Person to uncover a plot about a killer plant and illegal dumping.

E31+32 - Second upgrade two-parter! Part One involves Brian, a police robot who has lost his 'heart'. Part Two involves Ryoma using the new weapon without suiting up and Masaki/Ossan!Miyauchi bruised and bleeding like it's his Kaiketsu Zubat days again.

E49 - Goodbye Winspector! The entire police force is occupied with a scheme that has caused the entire Tokyo to go berserk. Masaki wrestles with the ugly feelings that result from years of staring down evil. Ryoma, Junko, Walter, Bikel, and Demitasse joins the Interpol in France while Masaki stays in Japan to create a new organization.

Captain Kagawa Ryoma:

E4 - Ryoma's heart to heart with a wanted criminal whose sister is in the hospital. BRO TO BRO.

E5 - Ryoma gets super emotional about a mad scientist genetically modifying a bird. He is a friend to both the animals and the children. 

E8 - It's Ryoma VS the goofy Omagari detective agency that tries to be a low budget Winspector! Daughter Omagari/Ryoma is my OTP. Ryoma be HELLA CHIVALROUS. 

E10 - Ryoma freaks out because of a bunch of kids' cockroach prank, but stands up for them anyway when adults accuse them of committing arson. He trains to overcome the CrossTector 5 minutes time limit. E11 - Criminals hold Ryota and his crush hostage to force Ryoma to cooperate in a heist. Ryoma saves the day with morse code. E46 - Ryoma legit forces Ryota to befriend a kid taught by his grandpa to do 'bad' things every day. Enough to make an overly helpful '90s Sentai Red cringe.

E48 - Backstory of how the Kagawa siblings became orphans. Ryoma is once more a victim of mindfuck and also a victim of fashion.  

Undercover Investigator Koyama Hisako:

E9 - Hisako takes revenge by arresting the criminal responsible for her father being KIA.

E20 - A guy who used to box in high school has a dorky crush on Hisako. They have a cute moment amidst Ryoma flirting with the guy and the guy's intense bromance with the perp of the week. Ah well.

E26 - A young girl is bent on taking revenge for her father's death. Hisako stops her from ruining her future, cause she has been there.

E38 - Hisako protects her former junior high schoolmate who's on a hit list of 'worthless people’. This is Hisako’s last case in the series :(

Inspector Fujino Junko:

E21 - Junko's former shooting rival tries to fuck up Junko's sanity and police career. Junko hands in her badge, gun, and a resignation letter, but all’s well ends well with Commander Masaki tearing said letter into little pieces :')

Police Robots Bikel+Walter:

E16 - The Walter episode. A lil girl has a crush on Walter and Junko finds it cute. Hijinks ensue. E22 - The robots and Inspector Rokkaku from Division One make a Promise Between Men! That involves keeping a secret about Rokkaku’s kid nephew sneaking away with Rokkaku’s police issued gun. Masaki thinks Bikel and Walter deserve a spanking for that... E25 - The Bikel episode. Bikel's star-crossed romance with a young lady who is actually on a roaring rampage of revenge. Starts off as cracky, then legit touching. 

E34 - While on leave, the robots go to the funfair and befriend an old lady.

E36 - Another Bikel episode. Featuring Bikel's real 'dad' from whom Bikel gets his Kansai-ben from!  

[aion-rsa]

Everything That Happened to Home and Away’s Alf Stewart That You Missed Because You Had to Grow Up and Get a Job

https://ift.tt/3xrVjTc

Warning: contains Alf Stewart spoilers.

Just because you’ve lost touch with someone doesn’t mean you don’t want to know when they fall into a sinkhole. That the point of Facebook – for keeping an eye on the triumphs and misfortunes of people you once knew but now can’t be bothered to talk to. Soap characters though, aren’t on Facebook. The closest you can get to nosing on their timeline is checking out at the front covers of TV listings magazines in supermarket queues to see who’s been getting married/murdered or, commonly, both. 

It’s shameful when you think about it. Soap characters are people with whom we probably spent half an hour a day (an hour even, for the Australian ones, if you did the decent thing and also caught the lunchtime airing in school holidays), five days a week, for years and years and years. Then adulthood calls and pouf! It’s sayonara Harold, goodnight Madge. Take Alf Stewart of Home and Away. Once, the man was your straw-hatted rock. And now? Did you even bother to tune in for his 60th birthday celebrations in 2005? Thought not.

Assuming that you’ve been an adult with responsibilities that have kept you away from Summer Bay for at least 10, maybe even 20 years now, here’s what Ray Meagher’s Alf’s been going through while you’ve been merrily living life without giving him a single thought. It hasn’t all been organising the surf carnival, hunting bunyips, running the annual sausage sizzle and visiting Donald Fisher in the Whitsundays you know; Alf’s had it rough. And the very least you flamin’ mongrels can do is read about the time when…

He almost died in a sinkhole

A simple trip to Summer Bay High to discuss the delinquency of Alf’s grandson Ryder ended in disaster. A massive gas explosion in 2018 opened up a sinkhole under the school, trapping Alf and his daughter Roo. Unable to move under the rubble, Alf had a heart attack and thought his time had come, so he confessed to a dreadful secret: Roo’s mother Martha, thought drowned three years before Home and Away started in 1988, was still alive!

He was an unwitting bigamist

That whole Ailsa marriage? Not legit. Alf learned in 2018 that due to her personality disorder, his first wife Martha had faked her own death by drowning, leaving him and their daughter Roo. That made his subsequent marriage to Ailsa (curly hair. Had served time for the murder of her abusive father during which she was assaulted and impregnated by a prison guard then gave the baby up for adoption, died of a heart attack in 2000, just to remind you) accidentally unlawful. Alf married his original wife Martha for a second time in 2020, the old romantic. 

He almost died of a brain tumour

For a while in 2003, Alf started acting weird. Some thought he was developing Alzheimer’s like his dad (also played by Ray Meagher in this flashback to Alf’s childhood), but no, it was a brain tumour. The tumour was pressing down on the part of Alf’s brain that made Judy Nunn, who played his dead second wife Ailsa, reappear as a recurring guest star in a multiple episode run. Ghost Ailsa kept trying to lure Alf to join her on the other side, culminating in a mid-brain surgery hallucination in the form of an It’s a Wonderful Life homage in which Ailsa showed Alf what Summer Bay would be like if he’d never been born.

He negotiated his sister’s hostage release from Nigerian rebels 

In 2000, Alf’s little sister Celia was spreading the word of the Lord as a busybody missionary over in Nigeria when she and her companions were kidnapped and held hostage. Who sorted it? Not an international government body, but bait shop owner and president of the surf club: Alf. Off-screen, Alf ponied up the $50k it took to get Celia out, leaving him in a sticky financial situation back at the caravan park. 

Read more

Movies

The inspirational heroism of Harold from Neighbours

By Louisa Mellor

TV

Neighbours: a sober reflection on its pop music legacy

By Jamie Andrew

He almost died in an earthquake

This was back in 1996, so you may actually have been there for this one. Summer Bay was rocked by some tectonic plate-shifting, which destroyed Alf’s general store and triggered his dicky ticker giving him one of his many heart attacks. 

He (very probably) had sex with his niece

Don’t judge Alf for this one, or his niece. They weren’t to know. (That said, considering the sheer volume of secret relatives returning decades after being given up for adoption in Aussie soaps, it would be sensible for any and all acts of sexual union to be preceded by a DNA test.) When the daughter a 15-year-old Colleen had given up for adoption arrived back in the Bay in 2003, now a grown-up named Maureen, she hit it off with Alf and eventually moved in with him. When he wanted to propose marriage, she got cold feet and left town. Five years later, a dug-up time capsule revealed that Colleen was the product of an affair between Alf’s dad and her mum, making Colleen Alf’s half-sister and Maureen… his niece.

He carried the Olympic torch 

Okay, this was actually pretty nice for old Alf. Initially his feelings were hurt when Summer Bay High principal Donald Fisher was selected among the local dignitaries to carry the 2000 Sydney Olympics flame, but after some shenanigans, Alf got to jog that little burner right on through the Bay too.

He went to prison for nine months (and then again for nine weeks)

Following a nasty mayoral campaign, Alf was framed for embezzling money from the surf club by his dirty tricks-playing opponent Mayor Josh, who was trying to get rich from a development project that would destroy Summer Bay. Alf was wrongly convicted in 2006 and went to prison for nine whole months before his name was cleared. (Thus allowing actor Ray Meagher to star as mechanic Bob in the stage musical of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.) Just four years later in 2010, Alf went back to prison for nine weeks after being framed for the murder of Penn Graham (which coincidentally allowed him to return to the musical for its London run). 

He discovered the existence of not one but four surprise grandchildren

Literally all four of Alf’s grandkids were either kept secret from him or re-entered his life years after being given up for adoption. There are probably more out there, half a dozen wayward teens who need Alf’s steady hand and moral guidance. First there was Roo’s daughter Martha, the product of a teenage pregnancy and given up for adoption. (She briefly got viewers’ knickers in a twist by becoming a pole dancer). Then there was Bryce, the son of Alf’s estranged son Duncan, who didn’t tell Alf that Bryce existed until the kid was five years old because Alf didn’t approve of Bryce’s mother Caroline. Then came tearaway Ryder, the son of Alf’s surprise American daughter Quinn, who’d been the product of a fling he’d had with a nurse during the Vietnam War. And finally came Eric/Ric, son of Alf’s surprise wrong’un son Owen, the product of a teenage relationship Alf had with Viv “The Guv” Standish (judging by her name, a professional darts player) who’d been born in secret and given up for adoption. The Alf genes are strong.

Additional Alf events

In 1998 Alf got into trouble at the caravan park for letting a blind woman drive his car (Sidenote: Belinda Giblin, the actor who played the blind woman now plays Alf’s resurrected first/current wife Martha)

In 2000 Alf’s home was destroyed in a mud slide

In 2005 Alf turned 60 and Sally Fletcher gave a lovely speech at his birthday party

In 2009 Alf went on a shark hunt after a severed hand was found in the Bay

In 2010 Alf was traumatised by the Summer Bay Race Riot

In 2012 Alf caught Malaria helping to build a school in Thailand with Sally and Milco

In 2015 Alf suffered PTSD from fighting in the Vietnam War

In 2017 Alf heroically rescued a badly burned Marilyn from a bush fire. Bravo, sir, bravo.

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Home & Away currently airs on Channel 5 in the UK.

The post Everything That Happened to Home and Away’s Alf Stewart That You Missed Because You Had to Grow Up and Get a Job appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/2Vvs8BJ

[1800-seungshine]

the hearts’ aftermath.

member(s): park woojin & bae jinyoung genre(s): high school!au, fluff, hoobae!au summary: a simple cliché high school love story, may not be special for others but it’s special for park woojin and bae jinyoung. epilogue of ludic and responsible (requested - bullet point format) word count: 1.4k

note: a requested scenario that took me forever to write bc of my indecisive ass hahah ;; i’m really sorry if it took a while and i hope you like it! i actually had more ideas in mind but couldn’t put them bc i feared it would be too long and it’d make the entire thing more messy sighpies bUT ANYWHO i actually have no idea how this works..?? like lmao you can be either woojin’s girl or baejin’s girl or you can be both bc two is better than one! i apologise if it may seem messy too but other than that, enjoy and happy reading! < 3  p.s. idk whether y’all get tired of me saying thank you but i can’t help that bc it doesn’t amount to how much i really am grateful for the numerous support esp with the likes, follows and reblogs! thank you so much for the love ;; i will continue to work even harder < 33

guess who’s back 

back again 

woojin’s back 

tell a friend 

ok sorry i got a lil carried away whoops 

so anyways 

woojin got in trouble after your shenanigans

like yeah sure a detention and his ass whooped from his parents 

that wasn’t the big deal 

i’m referring to something bigger 

yknow that tiny crush he had on you before?? 

yeah that grew 

and it still continues to do so

because after that one fine day in which you accidentally dragged him into your own trouble 

he entered your life and you entered his

it was a gradual progress though 

at the start, it was simply a form of acknowledgement whether through grins, eye contact and waves

then it became small conversations that occurred whenever you encountered each other 

and eventually you ended up sitting with his group of friends 

sometimes you even drag him along to your schemes of skipping classes or pranking people 

everything was all fun and games 

until it came to feelings 

he has this mini-hate for you whenever it came to that subject

you kept things ambiguous that he can’t pinpoint anything 

there are times when you say things to him that feel like they hold a lot more meaning than you let on 

or those times when he catches you shyly glancing at him

yet all in all, nothing

either you were good at hiding feelings 

or you didn’t have any

yet one thing still remains

never did woojin think that he’d fall for someone as troublesome as you 

but he did anyway 

and he can’t say he hates it 

bc boy oh boy does he enjoy every second of it 

there’s this sort of thrill that he gets liking you 

but lol even if he does enjoy liking you 

doesn’t mean he’d enjoy getting rejected 

so he kept his feelings to himself and decided not to speak to anyone about it 

until someone pointed it out 

there were two new members in his friendship circle consisting of bae jinyoung, lee daehwi, park jihoon and lai guanlin

one of them was you 

and the other one? 

jinyoung’s tutor/girlfriend

the school’s blessing - everyone’s angelic sunbae 

(which can also be you bc why the hek not yknow why just be woojin’s crush when you can be baejin’s gf too)

yeah 11/10 his ass got exposed when you decided to skip classes one day

“so woojin, when are you gonna make a move?”

everyone literally stopped, dropped and rolled bc wth boi never told them

while guanlin legit jumped up from his seat, clapping his hands happily and the entire cafeteria was blessed with his yelling and dolphin laughs

“HAH I KNEW IT, WOOJIN HYUNG HAS A CRUSH! Y’ALL OWE ME CHICKEN NUGGETS!”

did they make a bet on chicken nuggets without him??

hek yeah they did (#worthit)

woojin choked on air and he became a stuttering mess, “n-no! where d-did you hear th-that?! h-hahaha that’s s-so funny! i d-don’t like y-y/n!” 

"we never said it was y/n though...?”

“. . . . . .”

“O CRAP. GOTTA GO.”

he grabbed his things and ran away from them never to be seen again 

j u s t  k i d d i n g 

TIME SKIP WHOOSH WHOOSH 

in the end, it took woojin a while to muster up the courage to confess to you 

(well, it was more like it took daehwi, guanlin, jihoon and jinyoung to verbally gang up on him to confess bc they were tired of the never-ending push and pull between you two cos it’s so obvious you liked each other so just date already gosh.)

most of the work was all thanks to jinyoung’s girlfriend who constantly encouraged him and gave him actual advice

she even helped him make a move on you by becoming close to you

unlike some other snakes who he calls friends, whom if you recall put his feelings on the line for chicken nuggets 

eventually you and woojin began to date 

the news quickly spread around the school and it made a number of the male students sad 

bc firstly, bae jinyoung stole the angel of the school 

and now woojin took the badass of the school 

but somehow no one’s mad about it cos baejin and his girl are the school’s new couple goals 

while you and woojin are the ideal “dream team” 

now y’all might be thinking those are the best otp the school has 

but jokes on you 

the best pairing around is you and baejin’s girlfriend 

a duo so great you can probably beat ongniel

you two got really close bc she helped your relationship with woojin become more than friendship

it was a weird sight at first bc two polar opposites are suddenly hanging out; one was well-loved for being a responsible and kind role model whilst the other one was loved for being cheeky and having a mischievous mind 

such contradictory that ended up as an awesome friendship

bc yknow as they say, opposite attracts

and nowadays it actually feels like you and baejin’s girlfriend are dating instead bc you two always hang out

which leaves woojin and jinyoung sulking to themselves 

like every time jinyoung’s girlfriend is on the phone texting 98% of the time she’s talking to you 

“stop two-timing, angels aren’t supposed to be cheaters.” jinyoung would complain as he’d wrap his arms around her

while she’d only laugh at him, “yah- you shouldn’t be talking especially when you scammed me into this relationship despite have such an innocent and angelic face.” 

“that’s a strategy okay! this is a different situation like seriously, are you dating me or are you dating y/n??” he’d ask her with a slight frown

“well then seems like i have to break up with you then-” she would always reply 

11/10 it works every time and baejin would end up sulking until she'd kiss his cheek 

“just kidding - i wouldn’t replace you for anyone else, baejin.”

and tbh you two have gotten so close it’s gotten to the point where baejin got jealous and decided to whip up a plan with woojin about taking you and his girl away from each other 

let me tell you it didn’t work bc y’all were inseparable after instantly clicking

srsly she got your back and vice-versa bc yknow angel-devil duo is science maths

so whenever you and woojin bicker, you two mostly result to threatening about how you’d leave one another 

woojin: i swear i’m gonna go back to jihoon if this continues >:( 

you: ye well go ahead cos jinyoung’s girlfriend is my real soulmate lmao bye felicia xx 

woojin: . . . .i was kidding ;; you know that right? 

you: weLL I WASN’T SO HAHAH BYE BOI IM LEAVING 

woojin: OK OK IM SORRY 

yeah you end up winning bc duh brotp ftw 

ofc there are even times when woojin and jinyoung bicker on whose girlfriend is better 

smh this isn’t a competition idiots 

so whenever they do that, you two just look at each other and leave 

which ends up to jinyoung and woojin eventually coming together to sulk by buying banana milk to “drown” in their sadness bc remember kids, y’all shouldn’t be drinking alcohol underaged 

but even so you love woojin more than anything in the world 

he makes you laugh and smile, your days are brighter when he’s around and you miss him when he isn’t there 

and it’s the same for jinyoung and his girl 

four different individuals with miscellaneous personalities 

which equals to two couples with different stories and different ways of affection

hence to end the story

there is no actual ending 

and no it isn’t bc i’m lazy ok shh don’t misunderstand me smh

the true ending remains a mystery bc the future is unclear and who knows what will happen to these two couples let alone these four individuals 

i mean that’s totally up to you cos duh it isn’t just me controlling this ok 

but these four have no care what happens tomorrow or the day after 

bc they live in the here and now, enjoying every second and every moment they share with their friends, their family and with their special one

and every day is a new day to create fresh and happy memories for them to cherish and remember in their hearts forever

[rongasm]

Hi rach, I’ve been really confused by my sexuality lately. I think I may be bi but I’m not sure. How did you know you were?

I’m sorry that you’re confused :( That’s not a happy feeling. 

For me, as I’ve always said, it was a really slow process. I can’t even think of a defining moment in my life where I could say “Oh, that’s when I knew I was bisexual” because it was coming on for a really long time. 

As a kid I always kinda thought to myself “wait, am I a lesbian?” and I would look at Emmy Rossum and Dianna Agron and go “Okay. Try to figure out if you’re a lesbian” and then I’d go “Naaaah” because I always was crazy in love with male actors and fictional characters-- who needs a girl when you got Ron Weasley and Peeta Mellark? On a RL scale, I was in love with a guy really young, so I felt like that ruled it out. 

But apparently it is unusual to be constantly trying to prove to yourself that you are not in love with Dianna Agron and Emmy Rossum. I found myself telling myself I wasn’t into girls, found myself rationalizing it constantly, and I think that when I got turned on by wlw in fanfic or TV shows, I told myself it was because I’m a woman and I felt safer interacting with women in a sexual sphere. I told myself I was curious about their pleasure because I was curious about my own pleasure.

At one point, and I’m not sure when, the term “bisexual” entered my life and I realized that you didn’t have to be a “Lesbian” you could also be a “bisexual” and be attracted to two genders instead of one! How bout that?

So then I started thinking about it harder, trying to figure out if I had any crushes on girls in my life. And I watched some wlw porn to see how that went down (ba dum bum). And I was like “this is really fucking hot and I wanna die because boobs pressed against other boobs but I’ve still never had a crush on a girl.” So then I decided I was bicurious but bicurious moved from “I want to kiss a girl to see what it’s like” to “okay but imagine........ nudity. Yes. Good.” 

Eventually, mid-high school, I decided I was bisexual but heteromantic. I told myself I would never want to date a girl. Dating a girl? Ew. Crazy. Anyways, I had to be heteromantic because by the time I was sixteen or seventeen I’d been in love with one dude forever and then only had a crush on one other dude. So I was like, if I was into girls I’d have had a crush on a girl right now. Right? 

WRONG. 

Joke’s on me because it turns out I literally never get crushes on anyone. Like, I do not fall for people. I do not get crushes. I think I have had four total legitimate crushes in my life, two of whom I ended up falling in love with for real.

Enter college. My “bisexual heteromantic” ass got shook. I had my first crush on a girl freshman year and let’s say my bisexually... escalated, let’s call it, sophomore year. I used to consider myself more into men than women, now that is incredibly Not True; gimme a good nipple to suck on any day. 

There’s a couple of girls from HS who, looking back, I had a thing for, but not strong enough that I bothered to do anything about it or develop a legit crush. I think ultimately, for me a part of what took so long wasn’t accepting the fact that I wanted sex with a girl-- it was accepting the idea that I might want to be in a relationship with a girl. And that took forever because I never imagine myself in relationships with anyone unless I have strong feelings for them, and, like I said, I so, so rarely get crushes. 

@diva-gonzo has told me that I am demisexual, which explains why I don’t get crushes very often and also why this was such a struggle for me. My crushes depend on trust, my intimacy with someone, that person’s intelligence, etc. When I look at someone, I don’t think “hey they’re hot I wanna date them” I think “hey they’re hot I’m proud of them nice going.” Conversely, I think “hey they look like they have really kind eyes I think I’d be okay with spending more time with them” which is just about as close as I get to having passing attraction to someone. 

So, in conclusion, sexuality is weird and a learning/growing process and you don’t get it right your first try and it fluctuates. Try not to hurt anyone in figuring out who you are, but still take the time to figure out your heart and your sexuality and take care of yourself. It’s a worthwhile endeavor and you don’t have to have all of the answers right now. 

[seongkiran-blog]

( i’m sobbing she’s precious )

hi guys, i’m jules and i’m so excited to be a part of this rp !! i just saw that my app was in all caps by mistake bc my phone likes to fuck with me like that and i’m cringing omg. so i applied a few days ago but life got super hectic and i only just reapplied now that i’ve come up for air rip. but this is my eternally fucked, lowkey honey girl kiran who thinks she’s stoic and intimidating af but more often than not has the smallest of smiles at the v least on her face. here’s some basic — & extensive, sorry lmao — info about her ( TW: death, self-destructive behaviour, adjustment disorder/situational depression ) :

born seong kiran/kiran diana seong on march 12, 1997

scarborough, canada born and raised to first-gen korean-canadian parents

the epitome of a bitter smol™ that’s prepared to fight over everything (stubborn brat )

has twin five year old siblings that she fucking adores, which is a big deal since she doesn’t care intensely for many people

her parents were both only kids that ventured into science-based careers; her mom was a pharmacist at her late grandparents’ small clinic and her dad was a neurosurgeon at toronto gen hospital, so they were upper-middle class you could say

s u c k e d at making friends in her formative years and when she did, they didn’t stay for v long

plenty of chances for her to find new friends though since the gta is huge and has a ton of other kids around so it wasn’t all in vain

also her vanity when she was a kid was prob a turn off for others lol

smart af, like english? a’s. math? a’s french? a+

eventually didn’t suck at the whole friend thing and had a small group of people she grew rather fond of

she ended up graduating as valedictorian and was accepted to mcgill to study pre-med and become a neurosurgeon just like papa seong

always wanted to follow in his footsteps, so it came as no surprise to her parents

( TW: DEATH ) during her midterm break in her first sem, her parents decided to take the family to their cabin near muskoka for a weekend away from the city/suburbs

they were a little over halfway there when her dad tried to veer the suv away from a moose in the middle of their lane, but wasn’t successful

kiran was conscious during the whole thing, though she sustained a concussion and the twins were unharmed in their carseats; however their mother died on impact and their father suffered from a cranial injury ( .. i only just realized how ironic and morbid this is after working with this muse for a while oh my g o d )

she went with the twins to the hospital and was inconsolable over the loss of her mother alone, while her father was in critical condition and the outlook was promising, though not certain

he was put in a medically induced coma after being operated on and she and her godparents ( who advised her on the whole thing since they were docs themselves ) decided to hold out hope for a recovery

the twins were put in her care and she was left to deal with the burden of their loss, her education and the obvious, her brother and sister’s newfound dependency on her

she withdrew from the few people she became close to over the years, her grades began to slip as well, and she was always weighed down by grief and anxiety

she tried to stay in school while taking care of the twins, but it was becoming more and more difficult to do so. she just managed to keep her head above water throughout the rest of the first sem though

moved out of res, into an apartment and relocated the twins for the time being to see if she could pull it off

( TW: SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR ) add the fact that a part of her began to question if she could really follow in her dad’s footsteps, and that she let further anxiety from the pressures of making her parents proud get to her and she was soon on a downward spiral

she slipped away from her academics and was slowly becoming a poor guardian; soon, kiran was partying too hard and winding up in the hospital or a stranger’s dorm, skipping labs, and was generally a lost cause when the twins were under the care of a sitter

failed a couple of courses by the end of the second semester and had her godparents flying out to crack down on her dumb ass

felt hopeless and lost, but especially so when she posed the risk of losing the only family that she had left, realizing how selfish her actions were and trying to amend her mistakes

dropped out of mcgill for the time being and took up a job as a retail clerk to provide for the three of them ( despite inheriting their mom’s estate and all, as she put the money that came from it into the kids’ savings )

was soon in the clear in her godparents’ opinion and has tried to do right by her parents and siblings since then

after losing herself for a while, she found that she was right back to where she started with friend-making, but rather than it being her just not knowing how, it was that she didn’t want to let people in after everything that had happened

she didn’t remain a loner, but she didn’t have a ride or die by any means

for the sake of her a.d and bc of the bad memories that t.o and mtl held, she found herself relocating to greenville of all places

but deep down she knows mama seong would be happy about the kids growing up in a smaller town than near dt toronto

about four months after settling in, she began attending a nearby college in what would have been her fourth semester and has since maintained a high gpa after retaking the courses she fucked up in

her dad has since woken up, but he’s going through extensive forms of therapy to restore his motor, neurological, etc functions

she’d be back in t.o if her godparents hadn’t advised against it since it was still rly overwhelming for him and his three kids ( two of whom wouldn’t rly know him either ) coming back prob wouldn’t help ??

still has nightmares from the accident, the girl’s scarred for life and is thankful that the twins were too young to remember

sees a psychiatrist at the behest of her godmother bc she rly can’t cope by herself in all of this but she doesn’t like to burden others with her problems ( doesn’t like people knowing much about her regardless but )

now to her personality and extra facts ig ??? this has gotten so out of hand already, sTOP ME

the most stubborn chick alive, will never admit she’s wrong unless you weasel it out of her with some heavy guilt-tripping

she used to be a fucking NIGHTMARE to most people before everything went awry, still can be but it’s more or less an act with a little bit of it also being herself

a true instagram addict, which makes sense bc she can be p vain at times

rather intuitive tbh

can be insightful as well

feigns annoyance and boredom with people/their antics

some weird ass detachment method on her part that she didn’t shake, but question her on it and she’ll shut it tf down

but is still genuinely, easily irritated all the same ?? not even i understand this chick

curses like a sailor is she isn’t too curt in her responses

has a problem with trusting others, feels like she can only truly rely on herself so if you break through that barrier then congrats ig

she won’t make it obvious though, she’s a sociable being and will actually take to you if you pique her interest with free booze or a wild story

just don’t expect her to surrender much of her life story, but she’ll also get a bit offended if you don’t offer a bit of your own ??

the most annoying internalizer of emotions ever if you’re actually friends with her, 110% will not confide in you if you’re not one of four or five people in her life

also fears loss more than anything, so she isn’t close to many people for BOTH the trusting aspect, as well as wanting to spare herself the pain of watching more loved ones die or leave

but if you’re one of the v select few people she’s let in completely, she’ll never let you go. she’s the definition of loyal and will legit die for you

so so devoted to her little brother and sister, like she loves them more than anything and does everything so that they can succeed when they’re older

all of the sports acceptable for kindergarteners, music lessons, ballet, you name it, she’s got them registered

puts them before herself all the fucking time, her mom wouldn’t be impressed with her putting herself last as opposed to finding equilibrium

anyways, point is, you’ll never see her be more affectionate and joyful than with her family, godparents included

her being good with other kids though ?? she’s been working on it and she’s coming around

still can’t stand screaming brats though lmao

will be super polite to even her enemy’s parents mostly bc fuck that person.. unless their parents aren’t pleasant people either, then she’ll be unpleasant right back lmao

trust me when i say that she has a heart of gold and will do what’s morally right, is so so soft but will forever be in denial like i cannOT STRESS ENOUGH

defensive pessimism at its finest

fluent in french and korean

memes are lowkey the way to her heart

well, memes and food ofc

such a poutine hoe™

sci fi junkie

here for aesthetically pleasing everything

her place is almost never in disorder, oddly enough

quite the party girl, though not the same as when she was a frosh, is able to control herself when there aren’t too many stressors plaguing her

queer af, doesn’t know what her sexuality is but she knows she isn’t straight ( but for all intents and purposes, she’s pansexual )

she just needs someone else to take care of her honestly, she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself lmao

trying her best™ to be better in general but change doesn’t happen overnight so she’s not rushing into it, aka she’s still comfortable with being a bit of an asshole for as long as possible

you sometimes won’t know who she is from one day to the next, kind of the personification of a wild ride

so that’s kiran, if you’d like to plot just hmu or like this and i’ll come to you !! i’ll link some possible connections later bc my laptop’s about to die and i can’t find the charger anywhere ? @my mom, pls stop moving my stuff, it’s giving me more heart palpitations than my econ final last month

[hellyeahomeland]

“The Flag House” | Directed by Michael Klick

Right off the block, we would not be HYH if we didn’t note the hat!  In this opening sequence it is clear that Quinn is confused and beginning to remember the diner. Klick (who has been the show’s line producer since the series started) and David Klein (director of photography) choose to portray his confused state with the blurry diner as Quinn’s face enters the camera from the right.

It’s not every Sunday we see Quinn checking out a woman’s behind and, well, this just had to be included for posterior posterity. Also, note how the patron is also flirty and the background is a bit dreamy and unfocused as Quinn begins to recall Nicki and his surroundings.

The children were shown playing basketball twice and, it seems clear, there was more to it than simply setting up Quinn’s later conversation with the boy. We know that basketball is Quinn’s sport from “Separation Anxiety,” when he said, “I see you like to use potassium chlorate… but the smell reminds me of the visitors' changing room at a high school basketball game.” Who knows if Quinn ever really played high school basketball given the backstory we have for him now but it seems clear these children, happily and carelessly playing, may represent everything Quinn did not have.

Note that Klein chose to make these shots relatively colorless and stark. The tones are muted with a predominance of gray.

One of the first camera angles Klick and Klein depict of the flag house is, interestingly, from the point of view of the flag itself. One could interpret this as patriotism literally blocking our perspective, or maybe Klick and Klein just thought it would look cool!

The Works of Franny Mathison #1: “A Cat”

We’re fairly certain the set designers weren’t thinking about Laura’s cat from season five but we just appreciated Franny’s drawing (bottom left) so we threw this in. We’re wondering how many of these were drawn by the twins themselves.

The Works of Franny Mathison #2: “Very Big Mommy”

And while we’re touring the Mathison Progeny Art Gallery, any child psychologists care to ring in on the drawing above the dresser? Carrie is very large compared to a very small and very red Franny. We’re happy Carrie is smiling!

The Works of Franny Mathison #3: “Quinn & Mommy Living in a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G”

Franny uses the evocative color of purple to represent and link those whom she loves the most. We’re kidding, but the “C” and the “Q” in Franny’s tree are the same color. We get that the star nightlight shown early in the season was just a star but this…

maybe, just maybe

(It’s possible Franny didn’t actually draw this one but the artwork in this kid’s room is certainly not to be ignored.) 

This is pretty standard Homeland with its themes of watching and being watched. Here, however, Klick and Klein shoot Saul looking up at the camera almost like the trapped animal he is. The grey colors are almost prison-like. Saul is, narratively and physically, in a small place, a cornered man in every way.

This, too, is a fairly simple shot of Carrie coming to a dramatic realization. Carrie has a choice: seeing her child or giving a deposition in which she will compromise Dar. Situated almost perfectly between two black and white windows, we understand how she’s caught in the middle.

And, well, the videographer was just plain creepy and reminded us of all those weird side characters on The X Files. 

Okay, the letter is just starting to seem very, very weird. Dar is constantly offering, pocketing it, unfolding it. (We know of another letter that seemed to mean a great deal...) We’ve even seen the names when he was in the car last week. First, Dar, please consider email. Second, we’re wondering if there’s more to the letter than meets the eye. Is Dar trying to covertly communicate something to Keane with these names? Are they characters for next season? Any other theories?

Keane’s pose jumped out here as provocative. It’s “man spay” in every way (there are legit warnings against this pose on NYC subways in order to allow seat space for people). Some of us considered this to be a nonsexual version of Sharon Stone’s iconic Basic Instinct pose but regardless, this girl is clearly not bowing to the boys without a fight. Klick likely intended her to look masculine and dominating.

Once in awhile we must take a moment for a man with the solemn hubris and pedigree to pull off what F. Murray Abraham does here. It was a beautiful acting moment. Nothing more or less. Except, perhaps, these may be our last moments with this fine actor who has made us feel so much anger, confusion, and interest over the years.

Again, the flag house is filmed from the inside out with the boy--and, yes, we’re gonna say it--the symbolic maybe-fill-in for a young Quinn John. Quinn was looking at those boys playing basketball with much nostalgia.

It’s a dangerous game of ding dong ditch this boy is playing… and didn’t we all think it was about to be more of a crisis than it was? By the way, what’s the phone number of the CIA landscaper? This winter has been mild in NYC, but still, that’s some nice upkeep.

Arguably the lighting for Quinn’s flashback is rather forced with its blaring yellow tones. This shot, however, is decidedly evocative, with messiah levels of light chosen by Klein. And, again, the window.

More framed artwork adorns the Mathison household, but this caught Sara’s eye because the photo on Carrie’s desk on the far left is the same one of her and Franny from season four. Sometimes prop continuity is nice.

If we’ve learned from set spying, it’s this: they don’t shoot any frame on accident. So… the church steeple as savior Mira is rushed to Saul may have been intentional. The gray winter landscape and colorless cars (part of the call sheets) were also intentional as Klick painted a wintery, bleak visual narrative.

This is the final scene with Mira (ever?) and, Manhattan hazy behind them, she  she stands over Saul and asks him, “When has that [humiliation] ever made the slightest bit of fucking difference to you?” God bless you, Mira Berenson.

Klick keeps the camera on this shot for a surprisingly long time. Note Andrew, his medals and honors displayed across his chest and the word “cowardice” sitting just above them, his gaze fixed squarely on his mother.

Klick has several frames of the sock puppet troll images cast onto the figures of O’Keefe and Dar. These men are, literally, wearing their own lies. Also, note the continuation of the gray tones within the Onyx scenes.

We’re not sure what to say about this but it sure has the fandom buzzing (is Quinn going to be framed?) so we thought we’d throw it in.

These shots were simply beautiful; Saul (in a possible callback to... My Fair Lady? A Streetcar Named Desire?)  is almost calling to the sky (the gods?) in search of Carrie in the first shot. The second shot shows the seemingly endless brownstones with Saul at his ultimate destination, Carrie’s home. Note that Carrie’s house lights--on the right of the shot and beside the steps--are the only ones lit on the darkened street. One could argue that it’s Carrie’s home which is the light of “truth,” considering what Saul discovers inside. 

Some have argued that it’s meaningful that Saul gets into Carrie’s home from the hole that Quinn, in his paranoia and depression, created in “The Man in the Basement.” Quinn claims to have thought “someone was trying to break in” and it’s ironic that Saul is ultimately the one who does.

Klick chooses several shots of ascending stairs in this episode, and we suspect this is important as all the characters seem to be rising out of the swamp of murkiness as they unravel the conspiracy. The very first shot of Carrie features her and Max making their way up the stairs to Franny’s room. In this sequence, Saul is first shown ascending the basement stairs and then after tea (!) ascends the second set of stairs to Carrie’s hidden room. Finally, when Carrie goes to Quinn in the final scene, she is again shown climbing stairs. (The caveat here is that NYC is a very vertical city.)

The sweeping panorama of Carrie’s bulletin boards was almost exactly how they shot Onyx’s enormous sock puppet reveal last week. Together with Sean Callery’s score, Saul and the viewer are given access to this surprise underworld of Carrie’s mind: a different kind of conspiracy this time, one in which fragments of truth, instead of lies, are uncovered.

The production designers put plenty of thought into Carrie’s bulletin board. Note that the strings are in primary colors and actually represent a certain kind of logic. The strings and sticky notes that are blue represent Keane (Democrats take note!) while the red represents Dar (Republicans take note!). Yellow seems to represent the FBI.

Fun fact: The news article above has a by-line of John Kretschmer who has been the production designer on Homeland for years. 

Again the direction here plays with the glare of Keane’s laptop screen. The lies aren’t projected onto her, as they were with Dar or O’Keefe, but literally reflected back at her (much as they have been with Max). In one of the most heartbreaking moments of the season, Keane comes face-to-face not only with these lies but with her own decision to bring her son out from the shadows and into the light.

As pointed out in past Director Chair features, Klein loves his blues, and the final scene was beautifully backlit with the blue tarps surrounding the house creating almost a sci-fi feeling. Blue, notably, is often associated with clarity as all the pieces start to fall into place (which is the actual logline for the finale, by the way).

As noted earlier, Carrie ascends the stairs to get to Quinn who has his own truths to reveal. The use of her cell phone light here is almost star-like. That’s likely a notable choice by Klick and Klein because so often flashlight sequences depict a long beam of light. In this shot, however, Carrie emits a single point of light.

Only Homeland could make a close-up of an assault weapon seem so beautiful. Note, again, the circle of light in the distance.

One of the final shots of the episode depicts Belli in the bullseye in an eerie mirror of his own targeting of Astrid in “alt.truth.” Strangely, Belli appears to be looking upward, not at the group seated all below him, but across the street to Carrie and Quinn, who are waiting in the wings.

[spidersanctuary]

A disordered venting about RP problems:

My experience RPing with Tumblr RPing is not very extensive - goes back about five years, I think. Before that, I RPd a bit, much earlier, but for the most part the only RPing I've done is on Tumblr (and Skype, but as an extension of Tumblr RPing).

I don't like bouncing around. I tend to stick with a place that looks legit, get attached to the characters (mine and others') and stick it out, even sometimes unreasonably so. I've been in... basically three group RPs. Two of them were larger (let's say, defined as "more than around ten active players at any given time", and the third was smaller and purely reactionary, a-la "we don't like the way things are here so we'll make our own". Though not without problems (and I can't say I didn't have my part in them), it was the most drama-free as a whole. It also looks like the fourth, soon to come, might follow along the same pattern.

Despite my sample size of one, I'm confident in saying small groups have a different dynamic. Especially if they're founded by people who already know each other. Bigger groups are trickier, in many ways, and I was struck by the realisation that the different problems I encountered in both my bigger groups were representative of two ends of a spectrum.  Similar things going wrong in opposite ways, so to speak.

One of them was defined by lack of forethought and planning. Indeed the whole RP just kind of happened organically, something more serious growing out of something very silly and casual. While it had its fun sides - and it was wildly fun, at times, for as long as the fun lasted - it's also obvious in retrospect how that could be a huge problem. Different players. No standardised rules or guidelines until way, waaay later in the game (after much drama had already happened). Lots of different people with different RPing backgrounds and personalities and playstyles, none of them fully on the same page. While many of the problems had to do with one or two difficult personalities in the group, that's not really the isuse. There is always a risk of... unpleasant people, no RP group is safe from them and no RP guidelines will truly protect you from someone who WANTS to start shit or manipulate things to their benefit and is cunning enough to do that. But even aside from that... the lack of regulation about who could grab what characters and how many (some players ending up with 20+ blogs), or any kind of spoken agreement about activity guidelines and replying etiquette. Lack of agreement about how "canon" certain plots were, in the RPing continuity. Lack of agreement about the continuity, period. A clash between people who wanted to develop a certain pre-planned (and rather exclusive) storyline and those who were more in it for spontaneity. It was a recipe for disaster. It didn't need to get as bad as it did, but starting off like that, it was bound to get unpleasant eventually anyway.

Now, the other group... oh, the other group. After the colourful experience of the first group, the things it offered seemed like a reassuring breath of fresh air. Planning! An almost DnD-esque level of detail to the established universe, rulebook, bestiary and lore! Basically an entire little sandbox lovingly crafted for you to play in. Transparent activity guidelines and rules! An actual mod team working to be approachable while still holding authority! New plots for everyone to participate in to be released basically by the clock, so nobody would feel left out! So lovely! Unfortunately, things are rarely as sunny as they appear. A certain type of literate, application RPs is infamous for their snobbishness and elitism, and despite the initially welcoming tone, that was exactly what this unravelled to be. On the flip side, many of the appeals of the group amounted to little more than elaborate publicity acts. Always, always must the group remain attractive and desirable to newcomers (perhaps unsurprisingly given the apparently abysmal player retention rates, both short and long-term). The tone turned out very different from what was advertised, the sandbox-like universe revealing itself to be more of a literal sandbox, with complex topics turned into gimmicks, and supernatural characters (prosecuted and feared for their in-humanity) easily and casually sharing information about their powers with near-strangers like kids on a playground comparing their toys. The "plots" thrown one's way are not only usually poorly (if at all) developed but intrusive, so that they are impossible to avoid completely even if one is not interested in them. Worse yet, the RP insists on doling out serious consequences and high-stakes crises like death, destruction, invasions of murderous monsters or malignant town-wide spells, but is curiously reluctant to allow any room for serious RPing or sense of consequences.

In fact, it's impossible to talk about consequences when even a sense of any basic continuity is thrown out the window, precluded by the occasional hiatus and re-launch and the various measures taken to make sure that new players enter onto a relatively blank slate. Yes, even if long-time residents of the area and the populace in general SHOULD remember and be affected by that politically motivated massacre half a year back, or that time monstrous vegetables SLAUGHTERED half a school of elementary schoolchildren. Thus, even though the RP is long-running (turning two years old soon), it is impossible for the setting to develop any sense of history, and instead it seems to turn more and more comically nonsensical the more tragedies befall the town and are promptly forgotten a few weeks later. Rather than a serious and in-depth setting, one begins to feel instead as if all the characters are living in a Lotus Eater-like state of vague oblivion, briefly reacting to various events but never quite letting them reach collective memory.

Now, all this might be bearable (and even fun! There's an appeal in a certain kind of wacky no-strings-attached horror-comedy-gore, no denying that), IF a couple things weren't true. a) If the RP (and specifically the mod team) didn't make such a huge deal about what a serious and respectable and serious RP it is. No OCs allowed. "We allow shipping but we don't put an emphasis on it! Please don't think this is one of those silly ship-obsessed RPs". No more than two characters allowed. Replies MUST happen every x days, and even though replies of various kinds are accepted (all prose, just different formats and individual reply lengths), only CERTAIN kinds count towards the activity requirement (???!), and a long-term failure to keep it up will end up in you getting the boot. Even if you ARE active and involved with other people and interact a lot. (Don't even get me started on that. I and about three or four other people, most of whom LEFT shortly after, ended up having our plots disrupted SIGNIFICANTLY because the mods booted - or in this case harangued into throwing in the towel and leaving in a huff - a player who was active with all of us, but wasn't active enough in "the RIGHT way" i.e. the right format. This was part of a bigger package of them caring more about keeping up certain pretenses and ticking off certain boxes to be more outwardly desirable to new applicants than the fun of the users who were already there.) b) The nit-picking. Oh god the nitpicking and micromanagement. Some of the shit I've personally seen, some of it I've heard about. It's one thing to crit a player for not being IC with a mod pre-made character. It's another thing to do that after they've been in play for A YEAR, and if you do that then, you're being blatantly disrespectful of all the development the player's put into them. And it's yet another thing to do that to someone's OC (before the 'no OCs' rule was instated). I've had mods dictate to me that my character shouldn't be reacting to x event like this or that, by listing a bunch of factors that, while possibly convincing, were only ONE possible way to interpret the big picture. For real. Psychology is complicated but for some reason all that goes out the window the moment the mod team decides they know how your character should be played (and I'm not talking about blatant realism or accuracy issues like "that's not how PTSD works" but actual decisions/ways of thinking, things that there should, in theory, be no "wrong" option with because once again, people are complicated).

Which brings me to: C) The omnipresent feeling of entitlement by the mod team aka the Powers That Be, as if they believe that theirs is such a supremely privileged, special and elite group, that they merely DEIGN to let you be a part of it. All of it manifesting in a complete lack of basic courtesy when approaching players. Or rather, any player who's been there longer than a month and who they're not actively trying to be Welcoming(TM) to. I should have seen it pretty early when I had a beef with another player who, to wit, disliked that an RP scene we had depicted her character as a "bad guy" (who was previously ESTABLISHED in canon as a psychopathic murderer!!! and the RP scene basically showed him doing more of the same!!!). She ended up badmouthing me to other players she was interacting with closely, and then they as a group complained about me to the mods, in which she twisted a certain conversation we'd had over Skype into something that reflected very badly on me, along the lines of me forcing her to RP a scene she would be triggered by. Now. This was resolved when I provided the mods with copied Skype messages (direct Skype quotes, a format that, in theory, can't be doctored) that showed she was fabricating that conversation - that she had outright told me she WOULD be okay with doing that scene. She eventually got booted for that (and other stuff). And all would have been well if it weren't for the way I had been initially addressed by the mods, and the condescending, denigrating, making you feel like shit TONE of it. Going from zero, utter peace, to "you have an attitude problem and you need to stop now or we'll kick you out". They also tacked on about half a dozen minor "offenses" I had done, like rambling too much about how the reasons I liked a school subject someone else disliked in the ooc chat, or trying TOO hard to get involved in plots, or other bullshit things that the people involved hadn't even complained to them about. I later realised that this, too, was a Pattern. Whenever they went to you with any sort of grievance, whether from their own side or from another player, they would tack on about half a dozen other "transgressions" you had made, sometimes making them up entirely out of thin air. (Other examples include: Me trying to "enforce a headcanon" by having my character react x way. I then pointed out that the "headcanon" I was allegedly """"enforcing"""" was the information stated on THEIR blog about how characters are large are reacting to a previous major town-wide event. (To wit: the information stated that the Event, a violent and deadly clash between two groups of people, exacerbated tensions between them and led to more mistrust between them. My character, who belongs to ONE group, was being mistrustful of the OTHER group. And somehow, this was not okay. Yes. That's it. That is literally how asinine it got. But then again, it's not surprising - as I explain later, it wasn't baout the offenses making sense. It was about getting to make me feel shitty for something) Or: I was being "inconsiderate" by having my character "out" the supernatural status of another character whose player was no longer in the group, and who they were not in contact with. Said player and I HAD in fact discussed this at the time, and they'd WANTED to have it happen, but the mods didn't know one way OR the other. They simply ASSUMED so they could try to pin it on me!) A long line of instances of them taking "offenses" that they didn't know for sure were offenses, that the player DIRECTLY affected HAD NOT come to them about, to paint a bigger picture of you being some kind of Problem Child who was daring to be naughty in THEIR classroom.

Now, I don't know if this was deliberate, but I can see why they did it. It makes you, as the player, feel like crap, puts you on the defensive, makes you question yourself. "Holy crap, were people really bothered by that time I went on a jokingly-serious rant about how awesome botany is when someone said they hated that topic in biology class?" (Hint: No they weren't. They thought NOTHING of it. But the mods saw it and filed it away for when they needed to make you feel like crap.) It puts the mods in a position of power and strengthened their authority. It forces you into a no-win scenario where you either deny the nonsensical accusations, and thus weaken your position and look less credible because it looks like you can't accept responsibility when you're wrong, OR accept the accusations and thereby agree with them that you're the naughty child and bad at following the rules. So it's a shitty, shitty manipulation technique. All of it coming from a place of entitlement and elitism.

I wish I could say I come from all this wiser, but it does feel like entitlement and elitism are the common denominator here. Part of the problem of the first RP was certain people needing to feel like they were superior and hating it when other people got in the way of that. Part of the problem of the second was stuck-up, self-important mods. Ultimately, it comes down to people who enjoy, just a little too much, to feel power and authority over people. To say that "it's THIS way, because I say it is" and have that listened to without question. Who enforce the rules not because it benefits the community, but because it makes them look good. Who view discussion, in and of itself, as disobedience, as an attack on their authority, an attack on them. I can't say I know for sure how to recognise the warning signs of a group like that BEFORE applying. But maybe big RP groups just aren't worth it, period.