#fortunately i dont hate myself

[the-demoness-next-door]

my character on the craf squad smp, alongside everyone in her very exceedingly normal family unit

(he/they* - she/her - they/it/she/any - they/them - he/him - he/him - he/him - he/him - he/him)

*i don't have any websites to credit them to, but the first character belongs to leroy23!

old version, no lines version, and solos under the cut!

[itagakimizuki]

"The Baize Token has been destroyed."

FANGS OF FORTUNE 大梦归离 (2024) ep. 16

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[bitegore]

I misplaced my credit card.

It's prbably not stolen, but, out of an abundance of caution, because it hasn't turned up in four days and the last time I saw it was a day I wasn't doing super hot for a number of reasons and then got sick as a dog after, I'm going to operate under the assumption that it's somewhere out in the public and I have to concern myself with the idea that someone might pick it up and use it. Before that happens, I'm going to order a new one in the mail and cancel that number.

This normally wouldn't be a big deal, because I have a debit card, and I try not to spend money I don't have. That is not true right now, because I get the money in my actual bank account (mostly) from my dad, who has been saying he'll get it to me for about a month now and not doing it. His bank account was hooked up to my credit card (which we did last month so he could pay my bill for me). This also normally wouldn't be a big deal beacuse I have cash. My college is cashless. Sometimes I have to spend money here. So you see what the actual problem is, right?

Anyway point is I suddenly have about $70 to split over everything I'll need to pay for for the next (estimated) two weeks, during what is probably the single two week period I'm going to spend the most money on takeout. (Midterms).

Normally again this wouldn't be a huge problem! I'd take on some art commissions and finish them off later. I don't love doing it but I can do it. Normally. I have a lot of outstanding commissions from this summer that I owe people, though. So I can't in good conscience do that.

Anyway, all that to say: I'm selling nudes. Hit me up. I'll do whatever. Particularly good at taking pictures outdoors but I can do it wherever. I'll fill requests. Send me a message and I'll see what I can do for you.

"teaser" under the cut :3

[asterdeer]

trying to articulate that while i do want to be more mentally healthy and more stable, i am not a woo woo uwu humanity is basically good <3 i love living life and romanticizing every little thing <3 if depressed people would only try to see beauty in a plastic bag they would no longer be depressed <3 kind of person and i don't see why i should have to be in order to Not Be Depressed. this is literally high school all over again

[definitelynotshouting]

saw this post assigning devastating quotes to each life series members, got incredibly inspired, and decided to try my own hand at it but specifically with snippets of the poetry ive personally written throughout the years :] thoughts and musings on several of my choices will be under the cut if you're interested in that sorta thing!! Enjoy<3

Bdubs: "it's all so blue. so blue, so wet, so cold, but you've got a fire in your heart like a hundred rockets. you aren't hungry, but you could eat the dead, / cut your teeth on a rotting corpse."

BigB: "SOMETHING HAS FRACTURED HERE AND IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. EACH DAY YOU WILL CHASE THE FAULT LINES LOOKING FOR A BRIDGE ONLY TO FIND IT ALREADY BURNT."

Etho: "I am above myself, hovering, pressing pale fingers into the dull bruise of yesterday to test its lingering ache. Is this all that's left?"

Gem: "what are gods if not the mothers of our own inventions. we are the avatars of violence and love and hope and fear in equal measure."

Scar: "I think I want to live. I know one day, I must die. In the cosmic wheel of fortune, I am a gamble in the making, gentle breath washing a little luck over the dice."

Grian: "Within the shape of my clawed fingers are knives: scrabbled dirt; scarlet lines; the escape route / Between a fence and / Tall grasses."

Impulse: "Life's bitter, stilted offering / Is that every person we meet / Will one day become a perfect stranger."

Martyn: "Dangerous beasts must earn / Their survival. / You are no different than a knife / In the hands of murderers."

Lizzie: "When I think of the egg-tooth, / I revel in purple glass; the lightning; the shatter; the knife-slip between / Death, and a wake."

Mumbo: "This is your life now, / Found in the cracks and crevices, scraps pried between laughter and reckless abandon."

Pearl: "I am begging, raw in the face of absolution— do not hate me. Please, keep watering me in your garden, / Despite how closely my heart resembles a weed."

Ren: "— and sometimes hearts are forged in violence /— and sometimes blood cannot form scabs / — and sometimes wounds carry half-hearted sutures / — and we are all but living fragments / —"

Skizz: "Just a little longer. Please. / There is light pooling at the bottom of the flower vase."

Scott: "I can only hope that with the rising of the dawn / I will pass through darkness and return to day, / Where I am a solar ray blinding— teeth and claws sharpened, the stretch of my skin carrying gold / Above the dull, dug out earth"

Joel: "Tamed by nothing, no one, I lose myself to the shattered chains; / Yes, there is a loss."

Jimmy: "for year after bloody year, i clung to life with aching fingernails, grasped at every straw, took every scrap of double-barrelled hope and shot myself in the chest with it."

Tango: "every time you claw yourself from the ashes you insist it will never happen again. every time you reach the breaking point, it happens a little bit faster."

Cleo: "It's about catharsis, not letting go. / Because a part of me wants to hold this, / A swelling hurt deeper than tides, / Hotter than stars. The kind of rage / A mother might raise against her own child."

I dont share my poetry on here very often, partially because it tends to end up coming from a very personal part of me, but since this was actually a lot of fun maybe i'll start posting my poems more often here :]] i think what i found most interesting about this exercise was that as i scrolled my notes app and cherry-picked quotes for each character, it felt like the ones i chose naturally became part of a larger conversation-- as if the characters were speaking to me through my own words about their lowest points, about their ultimate views on the games filtered through the lens of a red life.

It felt enlightening; i dont often feel like im speaking to characters or being informed about their plots/preferences, etc. the way many other writers discuss in workshops or casually online, but by the end of this exercise i felt like i just... understood them, better than i had before. There's something inexplicable about reading your own words and consciously finding ways to apply them in a way that encapsulates them down to a character's core that just... truly highlights the specific qualities that resonate most with you. And i think stumbling upon that organically was a very vivid and incredible experience for me

Admittedly, i did struggle on Scott, Ren, and Etho a lot-- im not as familiar with them as characters, and for a while i couldn't quite pinpoint what exact themes they tend to carry with them throughout all their life seasons. But when i started to really look at everyone's quotes as a whole, i realized they felt like a story, like the response to a question-- as if i was being TOLD what they felt and how, and that that was how i needed to frame the rest of my selections. So Scott's ended up being about control, and the desperate hanging onto of it; Ren's is about the acceptance and bitterness of what he cannot change; Etho's is a quiet resignation rounded out with softer disbelief. The more i looked at these choices, the more they felt correct to me-- and while i still think i have a ways to go before i fully understand these characters, i feel like this has helped me a lot with that ultimate goal :]

Of all these poetry snippets, though, i think Scar, Skizz, and Joel's are my absolute favorites. Skizz's poem is actually the whole poem in its entirety (as is Cleo's, funnily enough)-- it's a short, very simple poem that is incredibly close to my heart for many reasons, but the main one being because it was written at one of my lowest points a few years back. Its about clawing for hope when there isnt any, and finding even the smallest of beautiful things to hold onto, and begging yourself to keep holding onto that at any cost. The pure, clean beauty of watching light refract through a vase of flowers, and knowing that sometimes, that's all there is to live for-- I felt like that really spoke to Skizz's life series character as a whole: finding the beauty in every tiny thing, no matter how small, and scrabbling for more time to appreciate it.

Scar's snippet comes from a much longer poem of mine about the difficulty of reconciling the idea of a future when you havent had to think of one before (incidentally, Etho's snippet comes from this poem as well). I think out of everyone, this quote encapsulates him the best; i like how it subtly references that inner well of vivacity he draws from that many other characters struggle to find, and how that in turn ties in with the lore that he never died a final death during Secret Life. And i love how it simultaneously manages to encompass the way he utilizes the social game in each season as well-- Scar's an incredibly intelligent social player, and i think the imagery of a gambler breathing their luck over the dice as they cast it, and as he casts himself at others for alliances and enemies, truly does fit him.

As for Joel, the full poem his quote comes from is one im particularly proud of, especially for its final lines. I think, quite honestly, i can let this poem stand for itself in its entirety:

They say transformation is letting the light in, But in my mind it's a violence. A coarseness, a fracturing, the bloody vowels between a scream And a howl. How do you transform without killing yourself? When I am a lion, my hands and feet Grow claws; my teeth sharpen. No longer do I spark— I ignite. Tamed by nothing, no one, I lose myself to the shattered chains; Yes, there is a loss. To transform is to leave behind a body And eat its still-breathing corpse.

I find myself referencing this poem a lot even in my daily life-- as longterm readers of mine already know, one of my favorite themes is that of replacing yourself and permanent transformation. This poem really is just about how changing, in any shape or form, alters you forever; how you can look back on yourself from even just a few months ago and feel like a completely different person despite remaining the same. Connecting it with Joel's character, and how he acts during his red lives in each season, was a natural and intuitive progression once i really sat and thought about it.

Alright thats enough yapping from me 😂😂😂 im not used to writing meta nor delving into my poetry on here, so this was a bit of an experimental post for me. If youve read up until this point, i both applaud your patience and really hope you enjoyed this window into my personal works and thoughts on them :]] cheers, and thanks to @/chipperchemical the op of the original post for inspiring me!!!❤️❤️❤️

[rodolfoparras]

angels I hope you do get better there !! sprinkling some of the smut here to help you feel better, AGAIN INSPIRED BY YOUR PERVERT PRICE DRABBLES CUZ BY LORD I'm boutta yeet myself across time and space (help me AAA)

You've been working in the Task Force 141 team for awhile now— having given a chance to unveil yourself at the field with skills you've honed over the years is such a wonderful feeling. You find yourself fortunate to be working with some of the most finest, open-minded people over there, and recently work, the missions have been rougher around the edges. It's nothing you can't handle of. Except for one: the captain himself, John Price.

Now, you find him fascinating— the man is THE brilliant man, having lead through the plans with precision and professionalism, his tactics and skills are handy by time. One of the many reason you've come to respect and admire the male. But little do you know that Price is.. rather infatuated with you. Do you even notice how he always sticks to you whenever you both training or practice shooting together? How your clothes always seems to disappear whenever Price had come by to drink whiskey with you? How he'd always crossed his legs together whenever you're with him?

You do notice Price started to wear a throat mic when the heli is taking the team towards the location, and how some of the wiring bits are all tangled up.

"Hey, Cap, need help with that?" You gestures towards the item, and he looked confused as he tries to check it with his hand. "Here let me help."

Did you know that he purposely fuck it up so he can get your hands around him? Once he saw Graves (he rather not mentioned that name) wore it when they worked together before, immediately the idea of it resembling a collar made him blush, and with how your big hands almsot wrapped around his throat, fuck does he wishes you can punish him for being a bad, horny dog.

Want to know something that's even more dangerous? He's wearing a cage of your favourite colour. Little cute one, pushing his big cock to the smallest size. Hey, it helps by covering his erection, and while before he didn't think he could get it up again, just the voice of you booming through the base and teaching the recruits, is enough to make him hard and fuck himself on his finger (How convenient that his office window has the direct view of the training ground) Did he take the cage off? No, the only time he did was to pissed and god, he's getting hard again at the thought of how your piss would taste like. Bitterness from the coffee or the sweetness of your desserts?

The only time you almost catch him is when you had to ask for the report of the recent mission, and before you could knock on his room door, (he's nowhere by the office or anywhere else at the base) you can hear some sort of noise— oh,you're not that daft to not know.

"F— Fuck Daddy! I can't, you're too big.." You fucking hate how that nickname earned a twitch from your cock, and how you shouldn't be listening in, whoever Price is with not of your concern. "Have no mercy one me.."

The sounds of skin slapping skin is enough for you to palm your hardening cock under your cargo pants, looking around to see if there's any soldiers passing by. That is until you heard a title, your title. With your name.

"Yes, yes, put me in my place! I'm your toy, AH! Use me, mark me.." God the filth of that mouth..

The moment he screamed daddy again, you had accidentally spilled all over your boxer and rushes towards your room.

He does noticed how you kept getting flustered around him the day after, clueless to your eardrops act, but he does love how his object of obsession keep crossing his legs as he does now. Oh the tension, Price rather love that and he thinks he's gonna play the pervert captain role for MUCH longer.

-🪂 anon

I AM GOING TO GO FUCKING INSSANE JESUS CHRIST HONEY BEE????:;!: I GENUINELY DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THIS EXCEPT FOR THE FSCT THAT OTS THE HOTTESR THINH IVE READ??? Let me reeead this a couple of times before I speak more in it there’s genuinely so many parts of this that I need to just soak up for a good moment

[twisted-wonderland-but-gayer]

I like the idea of wholesome military Yuu. Probably accidentally makes people assume they're mean or scary but it's just a gym bro. During overblots they took everyone down so easily because of past trainings. Very cool scars they boast about but everyone looks at them horrified.

"Oh this from the time I got grazed with a bullet, very cool huh?"

"What.."

-also is it cool if I name myself 🍰 anon? I feel like I lurk around your ask inbox a lot, it's totally fine if I can't!

Please read all the dialouge in a fucking duke nukem voice.

This giant person approached Idia after they heard Idia mumbles self depreciating things abt himself himself under this breath. Idia is frozen and he hears boss music. "Hey man, stop putting yourself down, it's not cool. I know you can't see it but your character and strengths are pretty cool. I hope you can lean to see it in time." And refuses to walk off until Idia says something nice about himself, in which then Yuu daps him up and says "nice one dude"

"Hey man what are you? A dude, a girl a they?" "I don't have pronouns or gender. Those damn alien bastards stole them from me."

Ruggie being baffled at this mfer who makes bank back in their world be so frugal and down to earth. One day they say to Idia "you play retro games for nostalgia, i play retro games because i cannot afford new ones, we are not the same." And Ruggie tries to call them out.

"Actually I donate most of my millions to charities in need and enjoying sponsoring education for young children in less fortunate situations. Also, those damn alien bastards stole all of my newer consoles and deleted my save data."

They don't like Octavinelle. They're posers protecting a restaurant by Mediocre blackmail and threats of violence. "Booo where im from corporations make sure to stage your suicide by shooting you three times in the back of the head for speaking up about child labor"

They esp hate Azul. "Mindless corporations like yours forced me and my comrades across sea to commit atrocities on innocents and die over oil. You are not a cool dude, bro." Or just.

"You claim to know how to fight and use magic yet only fight against those who are weaker than you. This one is for my ignihyde friend that was bullied by you." And the trio just roll their eyes before getting steamrolled by this mfer in a real fight and almost end up in the ER. This is the same person who said "those damn shrimp bastards will pay for frying my rice and trying to break into the kitchen.

They advocate equal rights and just a good dude. Everytime they speak you hear a hard-core guitar riff. They are simultaneously the smartest yet stupidest person everyone knows. Everyone agrees that they're cool as hell tho. They hand Yuu a cold one and take off their glasses to wink, but underneath their glasses, they have another pair on.

They are just a walking shitpost

2) yeah i checked my blog and dont think I have cake (slice) anon??? Your cool, welcome aboard

[midwestemoismid]

Do you ever love a character so much you sorta steal your entire personality from them,,

<autism rant>

Cuz like I'm obsessed with Nicole from class of '09, if sorta stolen my whole humor from her, Which isn't really a good thing because shes kinda a piece of shit, the game revolves around her being a horrible person or trying to kill herself or something like that, I'm not like as mentally ill as her, but my humor has evolved to be similar to Nicole and ive sorta had this not care attitude. I've also been really jokingly mean to one of my best friends (he knows its a joke, thats our humor) but I accidentally did that to my little brother and felt SO bad lmao,, (he said something very obviously and I loudly go "yeah no fucking shit bitch" then started apologizing profusely) This other time I was playing blooket w/ that same friend and I did something that made him eat a fake burger and I went really loud "have this fucking burger you fat ass bitch" and hje just stared at me like wtf,, and the other person on the call (who I just met) was SHOCKED.

i'm not a bad person,, hes okay with me making those jokes btw

well im sorta a bad person but i'm working on that

i sorta hate having obsessions over character because i want to BE THEM. and it sucks even more when theyre a horrible person--and when theyre a girl,, cuz like i want to de-transition and become a terrible person and chane my name to Nicole WHAT THE FUCK WHY I DONT KNOW and like i had an alt acc on tiktok where i used she/her and named myself nicole and it was like a class of 09 fanpage sorta. and like i dont wanna be a bad person nor do i wanna hurt people feelings or be addicted to drugs AT ALL but like NICOLE🙏🙏🙏

this always happens when i have some sort of obsession. i dont typically have favorites but when i do its like an obsession

and like one other problem with being obsessed with nicole is i accidentally obsess over mental illness and (stuff i shouldnt obsess over), wich is really bad and unhealthy.

I gain little obsessions over certain things, like right now im REALLY obsessed with a game called "bad parenting" and it's a really really sad game. I wont spoil it but its genuinelly depressing and made me cry. after i saw it i wanted to hug my dad and tell him i loved him for being a good dad. ive been listening to the backround song on repeat for a bit, i might even draw fanart of it idk,, but i feel like i shouldnt be hyper obsessed with it

as a kid i also was really obsessed with "salad fingers" wich had a sadish theme to it, i kinda forget the plot but i thought it was interesting and how the main charecter was kinda messed up.

I also really like "little miss fortune" wich was also really sad. again i dont remember the plot my childhood is sorta a blur and i dont remember it well

"Sally face" is another sad game i liked. not gonna spoilt it but i loved the supernatural bit and there was a lot of death.

I also really love horror movies, ESPECIALLY horror movies that go into psychology. Like for example, saw is pretty interesting because its cool to see if people would rather cut of an arm or die. I know it's fake but it's still really cool.

Theres a lot i find interesting but i dont wanna sound like im actually insane lol

This ran went in so many placed i forgot what the original post was about😭 took me abt 2 and 1/2 class period to wright

If you read this all, thanks! If you relate reblog or comment (or make a new post and tag me) and tell me what charecter you relate to/obsess over

[sleepyhouse2art]

a highly unasked for sleepyhouse2 lore post:

- 5'2, 87 lbs

- same birthday as ella fitzgerald, which is april 25. which is very soon. oy!!!

- vegan

- married (weve been together since i was 18); husband is a writer

- have four cat friends: stanley, roast beef, rhonda rhonda and judy

- other than drawing, my hobbies are writing, watching movies, learning languages, cooking and collecting vhs tapes and records

- speaks english, japanese (pretty fluently but ive lost some kanji cause im lazy), some yiddish (can understand a lot more than i can speak, not very literate), some russian (conversational, basic reading and writing), very rudimentary finnish (its a really cool language), smattering of czech, can order food and do swears in mandarin (after school classes didnt really stick and tonal languages are hard)

- favorite food is cucumbers, favorite flower is lupins, favorite smell is rain, favorite season is fall, favorite movie is midnight cowboy, favorite book is the heart is a lonely hunter, favorite band is ajj, favorite tv show is deadwood, favorite color is yellow

- likes movies (exploitation films in particular), cilantro, sweatshirts, 0 cal seltzer, taking really long baths that make me almost black out, yoga (a lady first showed us patients how to do it in a very nice mental hospital), replacing the names in songs with my cats names, judy garland, fancy tea, religious texts

- hates cg effects, poetry by people who arent dead, intentionally "bad" movies, summertime (satan lives in the sun), joss whedons oeuvre, dr. who, fantasy literature, opening cans and jars, remakes, when my 11 lb boy cat walks on my tablet, rudeness (put away your fucking shopping cart! hold the door for people! pick up your dogs poopies! dont yell at me from the bus stop!)

- afraid of rice, pasta, nuts, millions of other foods

- schizophrenic, eating disordered, aspiring non-agoraphobe

- owns my house (its over 100 years old and kinda janky but its ours)

- evil bisexual preferring glamorous women and fucked up men

- hasn't bought a major piece of furniture in like 8 years; gets all the furniture i need from the street (got a sick giant bookcase last week)

- i have a giant dick tattooed on my leg. i also have a cat tattoo i dont remember giving myself. a bunch of other tattoos. i dont believe in paying for them so theyre all stick n pokes

- from the pacific northwest but lives in the midwest

- been smoking since i was 12 (need to quit)

- wore an eye patch as a kid to correct my bum eye; didn't work

- had to take after school classes in elementary to correct my cavemanlike pen grip

- didnt learn to properly tie my shoes until i was 12, somehow got other kids on the playground to do it for me

- kicked out at 16

- cant do long division, cant drive a car, cant roll my rs

- insane memory for movie factoids but cant remember where my chapstick or any of my personal possessions are

- almost got arrested for stealing sample dildos and giving them to my friends. someone at a coffee shop narced on me and the cops showed up and i had to go apologize. i was very drunk

- have like 2000 hours across civ 4, 5 and 6 (all played in the dark with the sound off, which people dont like when i do that)

- tv show twins: jay sherman, judy gemstone, jerri blank

- marilyn monroe superfan, amy winehouse mourner (why couldnt god have taken adele), doris wishman enjoyer, gena rowlands worshipper, william t. vollman appreciator

- firm believer that as a society we should abandon butts and go back to gams

- other fav movies: female trouble, the love butcher, tideland, fortune and mens eyes, a woman under the influence, strange circus, the devils, last house on the left, gentlemen prefer blondes, the women, trash, dont answer the phone, tetsuo the iron man, dead ringers

- fav writers: carson mccullers, david foster wallace, robert lowell, f scott fitzgerald, william t vollman, breece dj pancake, nathanael west, delmore schwartz, dorothy parker, renata adler, phillip k dick, richard brautigan, steve erickson, ryu murakami (the superior murakami), jd salinger, my husband (hes really good!!)

- cries at every movie ever

- probably vitamin deficient

- prays every day

- wobbly

- probably needs to go back to working on my comic now

[scaphismpriest]

Tiktok is a cesspool of ableism against narcissists and usually I shake my head and roll my eyes, but i just saw a Tiktok comment that made my blood boil.

Keep in mind that this was on a cluster B safe post, and someone manages to think its okay to blame abuse on NARCISSISM. I am a person with BPD and NPD, im not going to get personal in my life because this is the internet and not everyone needs to know what ive fucking been through, but i know for damn sure that "narc abuse" is not a fucking thing and generalizes narcissists to be abusers and dangerous people. Sure, you can get abused by a narcissist, but you can also get abused by literary ANYONE, this is why you dont see people say "im suffering from blonde abuse" or "im recovering from christian abuse" because nobody in their fucking right mind would use someones appearance, race, mental health, religon, physical ability, gender, sexuality, ETC as a excuse to label and generalize a group of people to describe abuse. I had a ex girlfriend who would abuse me and she had BPD, I have a mother who also emotionally and verbally abuses me and shes schizophrenic. You dont see me say "im recovering from borderline abuse" or "im suffering from schizophrenic abuse" because that generalizes people with BPD and schizophrenia to be abusers. Do you see the fucking problem here yet? Oh but when its narcissists, or people with "scary mental disorders" like ASPD, then its suddenly okay to label us as scary abusers or dangerous people? Some of You claim to be advocates for mental health but when it comes to us then you suddenly give up because we're "too much for you to waste your time on" or that we're "Hopeless" and "Helpless" if you so called "Empaths", egotypicals, and neurotypicals actually gave a fucking shit about us, you would understand that we've also been hurt, we've been treated like shit and neglected by the world, we bite because we are scared, we are constantly in a battle of self hate and fake ego, we are insecure, we depend on attention and success to survive, we are neglected children at our core. if you really gave a shit about mental health and our well being, i wouldn't be here thinking "wow man i should really rid myself because the world views me as nothing but a monster so therefore i should off myself!" "but you've also hurt people!" I know, I am aware, I've already taken that accountabilty and MAJOR steps into becoming into a better person and have recovered greatly these past months and you dont know or understand me more than the people ive hurt personally, you dont get a say in what happens because thats NOT your ground to stand on and say whatever YOU think and ive had people disrespect that. I am FORTUNATE to even be loved and cared for still by the person ive hurt, and even I myself dont feel like I deserve that such mercy, I am forever grateful but It also makes me truly sad, not for myself, but for the person I love the most. I genuinely cried writing this, this is more so a vent but I hope someone sees this and atleast understand me on a true empathic level, instead of a perception. I hope i dont regret posting this, because this is the most youre gonna see me vulnerable for a LONG time.

[battleangel]

Walking While Carefree & Black

Fetishized & dehumanized.

Daily misogynoir.

Harrassed on my daily walks for hugging a tree, picking a flower, laying on grass and stretching out my arms, twirling, smiling, being an unrushed unbothered carefree fierce ferocious unapologetic black woman who isnt on the way to somewhere, Im not going to 7-11 five minutes from my apartment, Im not rushing to work, Im not hurrying, Im not hustling, Im not bustling, Im not harried, Im not distratcted, Im not anxious, Im not impatient, Im not speedwalking, Im not in a car, Im not on a bike, Im walking on sidewalks, under bridges, near highways, busy intersections, busy traffic lights, near school buses, near angry white stay at home moms pushing their strollers, moms with toddlers shielding their eyes from me, white police men slowing their patrol cars when I am doing nothing but take a selfie under a bridge.

Why cant I be free?

Why cant I twirl?

Why cant I hug trees?

Why cant I treat a light pole as a stripper pole?

Is it a crime to joke around during the day when people are at school and work, jokingly twirl myself around the pole, pretend I am a pole dancer, and take a video selfie?

Will I be Sandra Bland'd?

Why cant I take pictures of a rose garden?

Why cant I take a selfie under a bridge? On a park bench?

Why cant I pick flowers near the sidewalk, smell them, place them behind my ear and skip down the sidewalk pavement?

Capitalism demands that I, a black woman, be a slave to their system but I left their system.

I left Amazon in a week with no job lined up.

I left Dow Jones with no job lined up.

I left Bank of America in 3 months with no job lined up.

I left Yale.

I quit my career coaching business after 3 years and over a hundred executive clients.

I permanently left corporate in 2019 and quit my business this year.

I am a permanent freeelancer now.

I am a podcaster now. We dont have sponsors yet so I dont currently generate income.

$55/hr at Amazon and after six months they were going to convert me with the coveted unrestricted stock aka golden handcuffs.

It was a cult. I left in a week.

I made -$7,000 last year as my business failed. I hated sales and referrals dried up.

Capitalism says I am a failure and a loser.

Capitalism says I, a nubian queen, Isis, an egyptian goddess, am only worth the revenue I generate.

I was the highest rated recruiter with the most hires at every Fortune 500 company I worked at.

I had over a hundred executive clients with my career coaching business that landed offers at Disney, Deloitte, Goldman Sachs, Amazon & Comcast with five figure salary increases.

I was a career advisor at Yale who coached graduate and postdoc STEM students.

Capitalism rolls its eyes and asks me, What have you done for me lately?

It demands I turn myself back into a machine to be deemed worthy.

But those days are over.

I will never work another 9 to 5 in any industry -- corporate, academic or non-profit.

I will never work a job that requires that I report into a supervisor.

I will never work another job with dictated shifts.

I will never sell anything to anyone ever again. I detest sales and I hate capitalism.

Capitalism is dehumanizing and it kills. It profits off of, relies on and thrives on energetic and psychic attacks that sends its adherents & acolytes to an early stress-induced death.

I was having GI issues and I healed myself.

No doctor, no gastroenterologist, no harmful laxatives, no chemical stimulants, no synthetic lab-made prescription medication that can all be addictive.

The smoothie takes 5 minutes and is just blending 1 cup pineapples, 1/2 cucumber, 1/4 grated ginger, 1 lemon, 1 orange, 2 tbs apple cider vinegar and 4 ice cubes & 1 cup of water in a mixer. Makes 2 servings, drink 1 cup in morning and 1 cup at night.

I just started walking outside in nature for an hour a day, not power walking, no step counting, no calorie counting, just being in nature, soaking up the sun, breathing the air, barefoot in grass, hugging trees, picking and smelling flowers, doing simple yoga exercises, abdominal massages, using a heating pad on my stomach, drinking 32 to 64 oz of water a day, eliminating coffe, not drinking soda during the week (used to drink 1 to 2 cans a day), fresh fruit & vegetable smoothie in the morning, oatmeal or grape nuts cereal with peppermint herbal tea no sugar or honey, homemade vegetarian salad & homemade vegetarian dressing (store bought dressing has a ton of fat, sugar amd calories) and mixed nuts as a snack Monday through Friday then I take a break and eat what I want on the weekend.

GI issues resolved themselves in a week, I am healthier, lighter, less sluggish, more fit, more in shape and more energetic. This is now my diet 75% of the time (5 days a week).

Decolonize your mind.

You have the ability to heal yourself. Stop running to doctors and quick fixes.

Change what you eat. Move more.

Get outside in nature! You are nature!

That is what heals. We come from nature and we are nature.

Trees, grass, sunlight, air, flowers, butterflies, streams, brooks, meadows, gardens, pumpkin patches, orchard farms, parks, nature trails.

Get outside.

Not to get in your car. Not to go somewhere.

Stop spending all your time penned inside like an animal and a prisoner.

Not to go to the mall, shopping, a restaurant, a salon, a spa, a movie theater, work, school, a grocery store, a laundromat, dry cleaners.

Not to run an errand.

Not to sit in traffic in a machine.

Not to burn calories.

Not to power walk.

Not to lose weight.

To reconnect with nature.

To reconnect your mind, soul, body, heart and spirit.

The west purposely severs this connection in service of capitalism.

Its up to you to restore it.

Walk. Breathe. Be. Skip. Twirl. Pose. Use the sidewalk as a catwalk. Take selfies. Take pictures.

Stop and smell the flowers.

Hug a literal tree.

Lay on the grass while cars roll past you with their windows down and stare at you like youre crazy.

Its 11 am on a Tuesday.

What the hell is she doing laying on the grass with her arms outstretched?

Why isnt she at work or at school?

Confuse people with your very presence.

I have a goth alt kawaii japanese street fashion aesthetic that includes boyshorts, leather garters, torn fishnets, leather chokers, hello kitty tiaras, six inch pink platform heels, black lipstick, mini cut out crop tops, extremely thick black eyeliner and hot pink eyeshadow.

For wearing this on Friday on my daily walk at 8:30 am which I then shared on TikTok, I was accused of being indecent, inappropriate for children to see going to school, people stared, rolled their windows down, honked at me, cars followed me, two men purposefully walked right into me bumping me (there was plenty of room on the sidewalk), an HVAC repairman leered at me outside of his van and literally just stared holes through me as I walked by.

Im 41. Im 5"1. Im 92 lbs. Im black and female.

I have a quirky style and aesthetic. I look young.

I also shaved my head bald a few weeks ago and have a bald fade.

People have since then called me a dyke, asked if I am trans, am I a boy or a girl, whats the deal.

Thats when I dont have a wig on.

I love different looks so I also wear long wigs.

The reaction is completely different when I wear a wig and people tell me how good I look, that people are slowing their cars down because I am attractive.

Bald fade, bony dyke who looks like a boy and might be trans.

Long wig, attractive girl, let me slow down and get a look.

Still black no matter the hair. Still followed.

Still harrassed.

A MAGA Proud Boy harrassed me with my bald fade while I was wearing an Eagles shirt and jeans. He stared at me as I took a selfie on a bench under a tree, when I got up to walk home, he started walking towards me and blocked my path in the small walkway we were both on and wouldnt let me pass.

Doesnt matter if its boy shorts and leather garters or an Eagles shirt and jeans.

I am harrassed for being a carefree black girl in capitalist Amerikkka.

[bomberqueen17]

survived

I made it out alive from another stay at the farm. Probably because it came so hot on the heels of my trip overseas, I had the weirdest sense of dislocation yesterday, could not make myself understand that I was leaving, really had trouble packing my stuff intelligently, and though I really tried to take my time leaving and do a lot of things as I went to try and let my brain catch up, I still left having forgotten to do several important things.

I arrived home and was totally disoriented. Like, I knew where I was, but I just. It didn't really feel real. I've now had a small gray cat touching me almost nonstop for about 24 hours and I'm starting to think maybe I know where I am but. Damn. I am really not all caught up, mentally.

However. I have been pleasantly diverted, and have spent a day in glorious idleness, mostly snuggling the cat. On the drive home I was listening--relistening-- to Patrick O'Brian's Fortunes of War which has a lot of real historical events from the War of 1812 in it, and the first time through I hadn't looked up the events so I didn't know what would happen. The second time I had more of a notion, and a bit more context to reflect that it was hilarious that the narrative kind of made me root for the British. Being an American myself, and having studied this time period before, no I do not believe the British were justified, and I am not rooting for them, and I do not feel bad that they lost a number of frigate battles to the Americans, in fact it serves them right, though in text one does feel very bad for poor depressed Jack Aubrey. And so I was reading about James Lawrence and getting very sad about what happens to him at this point in history. (The narrative does set him up to be sympathetic and likeable-- he has few lines, but we do hear that he befriended Lt. Mowett when that young man was injured, and he goes out of his way to bring a message from Mowett to Jack when he hears that Jack is in Boston, which is very thoughtful of him.)

So anyway. That's as connected to reality as I am currently-- being sad about the War of 1812. Well you know, I'd hate to be bored. And I mean, go to that page and look at him face and tell me you don't feel bad about James Lawrence!

dont give up the ship

alas.

[wlwloverwrites]

get to know your mutuals

tagged by @cruel-as-sin thank you so much for the tag!!!

what is the origin of your blog title? i love women and writing, but also i go by the name lover! so i kinda combined all of those things

favorite fandoms? definitely marvel and criminal minds, but does how to train your dragon have a fandom? idk i just really love those movies. also avatar (the blue people) also i’m a baby army, i just recently got into bts, they are super great.

favorite color? red !

favorite game? i don’t really play a lot of video games, does papa’s sushiria count? if it does, i enjoy that game.

song stuck in your head? bed chem by sabrina carpenter, man i just love that song.

weirdest habit/ trait? think out aloud, a pair of airpods hates to see me coming cause i will use them as an excuse to talk to myself.

hobbies? watching movies, omg i could watch them all day.

if you work, what’s your profession? im a full time student, i’m also fortunate enough to be covered by a scholarship so i dont have to work!

if you could have any job, what would it be? ooo i wish i didnt have to work, but probably a full-time movie screenwriter! or a movie director!

something you’re good at? massages! i can do a really good deep tissue massage, although im not certified so maybe don’t schedule an appointment lol

something you’re bad at? mmmm moving on when i don’t understand something. ex: i didn’t understand logarithms when taking calculus in hs, and it tanked my grade cause i literally could not move on until i mastered it.

something you love? movies !! i love love love movies, even the shitty ones.

something you hate? probably not understanding something that seems easy to someone else.

something you collect? everytime i go out with friends or family, i try to take them to a photo booth and i put up the pictures on my wall.

what’s your love language? i’m a huge yapper so just having a good listener or someone who matches my energy and talks just as much. i love that, orrrrr maybe physical touch, i love touching people lol, just a simple hand on the back, touching their clothes, or biting them.

favorite movie/show? avatar 2009, and my favorite show might be daredevil !

favorite food? anything my mama makes! i love homemade mexican food. if i can’t have that i’ll have sushi.

favorite animal? black panthers or just really big cats!

are you musical? no :/

what were you like as a child? i’m the youngest so i was a little devil lol

favorite subject in school? math

least favorite subject in school? again math

best character trait? determined, i feel i am a very driven person.

worst character trait? i can come off a bit mean or aggressive when im speaking. im not mindful of my tone sometimes so i think that’s why that comes from, and im a pretty loud person.

if you could time travel, who would you like to meet? billie holiday!

tagging: @imdoingsortagay @elle-romanoff @tv-fanatic-2y5 and anyone else!

[nightguide]

MAKE UP A CLOCK

MANIFESTIONS FOR YOU POOR ASS WICCANS

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF THAT I MAKE EVERYTHING I KNOW I BELIEVE BECOME REAL TO ME BY WONDER AND NOT HATRED

I LOVE BEING AROUND PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME RIGHT BACK TO MY GREATEST INTERESTS

MY FACIAL APPEARANCE IS SO BEYOND AESTHETICALLY PLEASING WITH SO MUCH SOUND GRACE AND HEARTFELT WONDER ABOUT MY AURA

I FEEL SO SAFE AND AT PEACE LIVING IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD

I ATTRACT MORE MONEY AND I FEEL 1000X RICHER WITH EVERYTHING I IMAGINED IN MY RICHEST IMAGINATION INSTANTLY IN MY LIFE WITHOUT NO STRUGGLE AND PATIENCE

I AM THE MOST ARTICULATE PERSON ANYBODY HAD EVER MET

I KNEW I WAS MEANT FOR SO MUCH MORE BIGGER IN MY BLOOD THAT I AM AND IT IS BY NATURAL LAW

MY BODY ATTRACTS FORTUNE FOR BEING

I AM PURIFIED FROM ANSON SEABRA LYRICS

I RADIATE CONFIDENCE INTERNALLY AND EXTERNALLY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

TAYLOR SWIFT IS ACTUALLY AN ANSON SEABRA FAN BY DEFAULT

MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER IS FIRED FROM CRIMINAL MINDS ON TV

I INSTANTLY FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY SKIN WITHOUT FEELING STRUGGLES FROM EVERY THOUGHT I DONT MATTER TO

LIGHT WORKS WONDERS FOR ME IN EVERY WAY AND NOT EVER AGAINST ME

I AM IN COMPLETE SINCERITY TO MY EMOTIONS AND I DONT CARE ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MY GREATEST INTERESTS WITHIN MY HOME ON EVERYWHERE ON EARTH AND OTHER WORLDS I LIVE IN

MATT SMITH IS FUNNY

I LIVE IN ROYALTLY WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT

MY FAMILY IS FREE FROM ANSON SEABRA'S FANDOM TRYING TO ASK FOR 'ADVICE' FROM STRANGER THINGS FRANCHISE

I LOVE HOW I GET GREATEST QUALITY OF EVERYTHING I LOVE BY EYESIGHT FOR FREE

I LOVE HOW MY HOME AND SOUL IS UPGRADING IN HAPPINESS

MY BOUNDARIES ARE SO HIGH THAT EVEN THE SELENATORS CANNOT CLIMB THAT WALL FOR FREE ON THE MOVIE WORLD WAR Z

TAXES ARE FINALLY BEING PAID WORLDWIDE THAT AQUARIANS ACTUALLY CARE FOR ONCE AND THEY ARE SO PROFOUNDLY HAPPY THAT THE WORLD HEALS FROM AGONY WITHOUT THEM (MAY ALLAH BLESS THEM SINCERELY FROM BEING GHOSTED FROM WHATSAPP BECAUSE OF THEIR ROOT CAUSE TO CURE WORLD PEACE)

MY MIND IS SO POWERFUL THAT EVEN CBEEBIES NOTICE IT STRAIGHT AWAY AND THAT MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER PAYS HIS RENT ON TIME

MY BEAUTY IS SO DIVINE THAT I MAKE THEM READ THE QUR'AN WITH THAT KIND OF ANGELINA JOLIE HUMANITARIAN SOFTCORE COQUETTE-LIKE STEEL SHE EMITS FROM HER BEING, LIKE NOTHING CAN TOUCH HER LIKE RADIATION SHE HAS ABOUT THAT MAKES ME FEEL TOO MUCH OF A HUMAN THAT HER DAD PROTECTS ME FROM THE SAME HARDSHIP THAN ANY FANSON EVER EXISTED

SWIFTIES WORSHIP ME

I AM SO DAMN GOOD THAT EVEN MY DREAM SELF IS JEALOUS THAT THEY'RE NOT EVEN IN MY TIMELINE TO LIVE AS ME THAT THEY ACTUALLY COME BACK TO LIVE AS ME BEING ME

I AM PURELY SO DIVINELY LILITH TRINING EROS IN MY UNIVERSE RIGHT NOW

I AM BEST FRIENDS WITH EVERYBODY THAT THEY KNOW IT AND THEY LIVE IT

KEANU REEVES ACTUALLY GETS CANDID

I AM SO FUCKING GOOD AT WHAT I DO THAT MY BEING INSTANTLY UPGRADES HUMANITY WITH ME BY LIVING IN THE FUTURE NOW

I AM RACHEL BERRY LEVEL OF SNOB

CREDIT CARDS BEG ME TO OWN THEM LIKE BATMAN ADOPTING ROBINS RECURRING AND THEY INSTANTLY END UP IN MY POCKET OUT OF PURE LIFE AND NOT SOME SHITTY SITUATION IN BETWEEN TIME AND SPACE TO 'FORGET ABOUT IT'

I DONT HAVE MOMMY ISSUES ANYMORE

I AM LOVED INFINITY AND I INSTANTLY FEEL IT

MY PINTEREST WISHLIST CAME TRUE INSTANTLY

I AM LIVING THE EBAY REALITY WORLDWIDE INFINITY

I LOVED HOW I AM TREATED OUT TO FUN PLACES AROUND THE WORLD AND I BELIEVE IN SIGNS BEING ME AND FOR ME AND ONLY FOR ME

SELENATORS WORK FOR MY WALLET TO BE LOADED WITH SO MUCH CASH THAT SELENA GOMEZ HERSELF GETS A JOB ON ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING

I LOVE HOW EVERY TIMELINE IN THE MULTIMEDIA UNIVERSE IS HEALED FOR ME TO VIBE WITH THEM AT PEACE

I CAN FINALLY WATCH TV IN PATIENCE AND STUDY IN SILENCE FROM HATE

HANNAH MONTANA IS ACTUALLY CANON IN MILEY CYRUS UNIVERSE

DISNEY KNOWS ME GETTING EVERYTHING MY WAY

I WON LIFE AND I AM A SNOBBY BRAG IN ARABIC LOVING LIFE

PENELOPE GARCIA IS FREE

MY BODY IS SO FINE 100/100

I LOVE HOW MY MASS IS WORKING OUT FOR ME IN GREATER PERSPECTIVE TO THE MULTIVERSE

I AM HOLLYWOOD ROYALTY INSTANTLY IN THE EYES OF MY FAMILY

LEE PACE IS MY HUSBAND ENERGY MAKES MY WORLD INSTANTLY BELIEVABLE LIKE PUSHING DAISIES IN REAL LIFE

EID DAYS ARE EVERYDAY AND MORE BEAUTIFYING EACH DAY

ANSON SEABRA ADMITS HE'S WRONG ON HIS SOCIALS

[herboretum]

since i’m full of hatred and negativity i will be answering this

(to emphasize Like these are just nuances and inconsistencies i’ve found with myself and the fandom Like genuinely idrgaf i could care less about any of the points i will make in retrospect)

the anthropomorphization of unpleasant from this fandom has genuinely WRECKED its character and made it. not that unique compared to the other npcs. like i dont know it being this like fucking gooner-type character is so awful? and i really hate it? if anything that trope given to unpleasant should have stayed with scag and ended with her, since she’s a genuine npc with more writing and thoughts attached

i saw people bring up this point again and im glad but HELLO!!!!! LETS STOP JUST ASSOCIATING LAMPERT AS WALLTER AND MARK'S SON? EVEN WHEN IT HAS BEEN DISCREDITED /MULTIPLE/ TIMES? like DAMN this fandom only attributes characteristics if it is attached to literally anyone else besides that person. its horrible. people NEED to learn to find the balance between having fun with that headcanon while also acknowledging lampert as his own separate person that is (to be quite frank) not even associated with them that much in canon

(+ people saying that the headcanon of lampert being wallmark's son is canon and fucking REPLYING saying to people who ship wallter & lampert or mark & lampert that they shouldn't. you are fucking embarrassing)

more of a fandom thing but yall ship too much lmfaoo. like guys i promise, you can interpret some of these relationships as genuine friendships i promise you'll live. can we stop with the rhetoric that just because two characters have good dynamics with each other that means that theyre in love (heavily side-eyeing protoscag and lampfected and milby dare i say)

the regretevator fandom is EXACTLY like the phighting fandom with how shipping is handled. i mean this in not a positive way

people gotta stop relying on the wiki for information man. so much lore from yeucc's tumblr has been retconned and at this point, when there's now WRITERS for the game that are actually keeping tabs, all if not the good majority of what is said on the wiki should be taken with a grain of salt. nowadays the lore is unpredictable, and only a select few (by few i mean like. 4 out of the 17 npcs) has had their lore expanded on significantly

general facts i think is fine so long as theres an annotation backing it but my point still stands . moreso with lore generally

also saw this point being brought up in the qrts but the demonization and infantilization of certain characterss (cough spud pilby pest and poob) is like. wild. i dunno i can't say much since i'm very fortunate enough to not have seen that much but my god is it prevalent from what people are saying

with pest especially since he has npd and aspd i do think that. people generally associating him as evil has NOT been the greatest thing, especially since it reduces him to a stigma of people with personality disorders which is horrific and terrifying. idk what goes on in the background but i feel like the fandom + yeucc & the people working on regretevator should have done more research on the disorders and consulted people who do have these issues better instead of using those labels haphazardly

another thing i will and always will be vocal (dog on) about the axosun team is them keeping gnarpy. like there was no reason to keep xem in other than for revenue gain let's be honest and True to ourselves. the philosophy "ohh but you can separate the art from the artist!!!!" i feel does not really apply to this scenario cause xe got a whole ass revamp despite the obvious fact that it STILL is gnarpy, a character created by a bad person regardless of the ownership change and discredited history. its the underlying thought that they were essentially built off a bad origin if this makes any sense. idk i think it wouldve been better for everyone if xe were just removed ENTIRELY from the game but. you do you i guess

lastly in this essay: i think more people should Be Kinder to each other in this fandom <3 peace and love