#formatting this shit is evil fr

[gorbo-longstocking]

Do Not Blame the Sea | Chapter 2

Pairing: Emperor Geta/Reader, Emperor Caracalla/Reader

Summary: Aelius shares his reservations about Marianus’ plan to give you to the emperors to become their personal physician. After a night of mindless chattering, and a near endless trek to the heart of Rome, you meet Emperors Geta and Caracalla in all their terrifying glory.

Tags: Dehumanizing treatment, hair pulling, Geta and Caracalla being dicks, mentions of slaves and slavery, medical inaccuracies probably, as historically accurate as possible, mentions of parasites and parasitic infestations, dissociating from a pov character, unbeta’d. That’s it I think

Note: Italicized words are both Latin, and when the POV character speaks English

Word Count: 6.5k Words

Chapter One.

Playlist

Upon entering Aelius’ tent, he was quick to make his displeasure for Marianus’ decision known. You blinked rapidly when his hands clasped your wrists, his distressed face inches from yours as he lowered his voice to a whisper.

“Centurio Marianus must be mad!” A bit of anxiety crept into his edges and he cast a furtive glance outside to check if Marianus heard him. After breathing a sigh of relief, he pulled the flap shut, his mouth set in a grim line. “The emperors are— are— I cannot even say for fear of being heard, medicus. That is how bad this is.”

You felt your lips pull into a frown, the guilt on Marianus’ face making more sense by the second. “They are corrupt?”

Aelius nodded, his sweat-damp hair flopping with the motion. “More than that. They are bloodthirsty and known for their quick tempers, especially Emperor Caracalla. Do not let his appearance fool you, he is quick to demand death to those who displease him.”

History wasn’t your best subject, and while the name Caracalla was familiar, you didn’t know enough about him, or his brother, to put a name to the face, nor to their actions. All you had to go by was what Aelius said. He was one of their subjects, the average legionary. If even he had poor things to say about his emperors, spoken in whispers for fear of who could be listening, it meant their rule was certain to have spread dissent within the people.

Unbidden, a cold shiver shot up your spine. If you died in your dream, would you wake up? Or, perhaps, a more sinister fate awaited you if you let your guard down for even a second. Especially now that you knew exactly the kind of men these emperors were. A sharp stab of anger towards Marianus lanced through your chest. Putting you in such a precarious position with no choice was cruel, even if he was right that the opportunities for you in the empire were limited, to say the least. Surely, there was a better option than this.

Your terror must have shown on your face because Aelius looked both guilty and ashamed. “I apologize, I shouldn’t have frightened you like that. My worry got the better of me, it won’t happen again. I— I just do not wish to see the man who saved my life suffer a terrible fate and—” He snapped his jaw shut. “Now, I will stop. Is there anything else you wish to speak of, medicus?”

A deep inhale steadied your racing heart, and you met Aelius’ nervous eyes with a smile. “Are you having any trouble breathing? Shortness or breath, a headache, any chest pain?”

Surprise made Aelius’ eyebrows disappear into his sand-colored curls before that boyish grin spread across his face once more. “Some chest pain, though I suspect that is from the bruises you left during your procedure.” Scooting back, he sat cross legged on his bedroll. “You are very strange, medicus.”

You let out a pleased hum at Aelius’ status. Still, you intended to observe him through the night in case of any complications. “How so?”

“You are more worried about my wellbeing than your own,” Aelius responded with a shrug. “It’s odd. There are not many like that.” He tilted his head, looking off in thought. “Then again, I suppose that is what makes for a good physician.”

Heat flooded your cheeks and you gave him a bashful smile. “I try to be.”

Aelius huffed out a sigh, crossing his arms. “I apologize for bringing this up again, but this is exactly why Centurio Marianus shouldn’t hand you away to the emperors. Talent and kindness such as yours should not be wasted on those—” Swallowing his criticisms, he continued on a different tangent, “Yes, you are far too soft for the legions, and yes, you are unmistakably foreign, but there must be a better option before us…”

He was right, there must be, though whatever that option was, it escaped you. Even if Aelius helped you abscond into the night, you knew you wouldn’t be able to outrun Marianus, let alone the soldiers he was sure to send after you, likely on horseback. You frowned. That was another problem, you didn’t know how to ride a horse, so that method of locomotion was out of the question. Then, there was the issue regarding your rights as a free-man. You remembered a little bit from your ancient life classes you took in college, and most of that revolved around the fact that, until you were a citizen, any minor infraction could have you named a slave. The prospect was terrifying, even in a dream.

You blinked, remembering yourself. That was right, this was a dream, and this was the path that it wanted you to take. A physician for two Roman despots. Who were you to deny your subconscious? You would simply have to be careful to not earn the emperors ire while in their service.

“I… How quick are their tempers, Aelius?”

He stopped muttering, he had been the entire time, his Latin too quick for you to pick up, to glance up at you, his eyebrows furrowed. “Well, I have never been in the presence of either emperor personally, all I know are rumors, and the rumors are not flattering to say the least.”

Mirroring his position, you sat on the earth across from him, your eyes firmly on his. “Tell me, please. I must prepare for my future.”

Aelius let out an uncomfortable noise as he shifted in place. Unable to meet your eyes, he looked off towards the lantern that illuminated the small space. He appeared nervous, as if he was preparing for you to burst into tears.

“They say that Emperor Caracalla relishes in bloodshed, to the point of finding it sexually stimulating. His brother, Emperor Geta, has a similar thirst for blood, although not for the same reasons.” Leaning closer, Aelius brought his voice down to a barely there murmur. It was then that you became aware just how badly he stank and, despite yourself, your nose wrinkled. “I hear he knows that he and his brother are unpopular with the people and he’s terrified of losing control, so he reacts to even small infractions with the highest of punishments. You must be careful.”

You gave him a distant nod, your mind elsewhere despite his grim warning. “Why do you smell so bad?”

“Huh?” He muttered, his tanned skin becoming a shade darker as he pulled back the collar of his tunic to give himself a sniff. A grimace made his features scrunch and he gave you an apologetic smile. “Eheu, I do smell bad. I apologize, Centurio Marianus assigned me to help with the horses as punishment for what happened earlier.”

“Punishment for dying,” You deadpanned.

Aelius laughed, good natured and hearty. “I may not agree with his decision to give you to the emperors, but he is a good superior. Any other centurion would have beaten me bloody with his vitis. Many say Marianus is too soft with his men, though I would follow him into even the most hopeless of battles.”

Shoulders slumping, you felt yourself deflate. While your anger at Marianus for basically selling you off was still there, you couldn’t help but respect the man. “What is a vitis? I do not recognize the word.”

“Ah, yes, somehow, I forgot how foreign you are,” Aelius laughed, clapping you on the shoulder. “Your Latin is decent and you are civilized, you cannot fault me.” He reared back his arm and mimed hitting someone with what you assumed to be a stick or a rod. “A vitis is a staff made of grapevine that symbolizes a centurion’s authority. With it, he can discipline even citizens.”

You opened your mouth to ask if Marianus ever hit anyone, only for Aelius to quiet you with a raised finger. A boyish grin adorned his face as he began to dig through his pack to retrieve a spare tunic. It was an off white color with two complimentary red stripes down the sides. After he pulled out a belt, he handed both to you, his expression both proud and teasing.

“Put these on, medicus. Trousers are the mark of a barbarian, and while I am aware that you are civilized, the emperor's may not be. You need to make a good first impression.”

Examining the tunic, you stood and held it up to your body. Aelius was a bit broader than you, so it would be baggy, and the hemline would hit below your knees, but it would do. You gave him a grateful smile. “Thank you, you are very good to me.”

“That is unnecessary,” He said, parroting your words from earlier back at you, playfulness glinting in his honey eyes. “I am merely doing my duty.”

You gave him a swat on head, your laughter bubbling from your chest. “Turn around, soldier.”

“A modest and a shy, medicus? You are an enigma, my friend,” Aelius teased, though he readily obliged your request, giving you the privacy you desired. After you were dressed, he offered you a pair of sandals similar to his own. It was an easy pass. The shoes you currently wore, while strange to him, were made for working long hours and you would rather die than march tomorrow with no lumbar support.

The rest of the night was spent talking with Aelius. Maybe it wasn’t your smartest move to deprive yourself of sleep before what was surely going to be nearly twelve hours of walking, but you didn’t want to risk falling asleep and something going wrong with Aelius’ recovery. In solidarity, he offered to stay up with you. It was sweet, and you found yourself becoming even fonder of the man. When you awoke, you would miss him terribly, and if you were even an ounce more sentimental, you’d dare to call him a friend.

He told you about his family back home. Of his little sister who he loved dearly despite not getting to see her often since he joined the military, his matercula, a woman with a seemingly endless well of kindness at her disposal, and his pater, a former playwright of some renown who was known for his comedies. After Emperor Geta and Caracalla rose to power, at the request of his wife, he stopped taking part in theater out of fear of retribution. Unfortunately, this meant that Aelius’ pay as a soldier was most of his family’s income.

In return, you regaled him with censored tales of your life in reality. Your long hours, how your focus on your studies rendered you unable to make the connections with others that you wanted, and how your parents' iron grip on you never seemed to loosen. It was the first time in a long time that you had managed to be so candid with someone else. Honestly, it was nice. You never had much time for friendship, maybe this was your brain’s way of telling you to try harder once you woke up. You weren’t on bad terms with your peers, you could always start there. All you had to do was wake up.

It wasn’t until you heard the camp begin to stir did you realize the sun was beginning to rise. You let out a yawn and stretched your arms over your head.

“What I wouldn’t give for a cup of coffee right now,” You muttered as Aelius began to pack up his belongings in preparation for taking down the tent.

“Coffee?” The English sounded strange coming from him, an accent you couldn’t quite place draping itself around the word. He finished rolling up his bedroll and put out the lantern before shooing you out of the flap. “What a strange word. What is it?”

“It is…” You trailed off, thinking of the best way to explain. “A dark, bitter drink that energizes you upon consumption. If you are tired, all you have to do is finish a cup, and you will be awake as if you were well rested.”

Aelius chuckled, and you watched as he expertly took down the tent and rolled it into a small enough fold to place in his marching pack. Around you, other men did the same, in various states of completion. Once he was done, he straightened and handed you a waterskin. “Will posca do, medicus?”

“What is posca?” Marianus had mentioned it was what most soldiers drank and was on par with boiling water — even if you didn’t quite believe that — though you didn’t have a chance to ask what it was. With a curious sniff, you recognized the sharp smell of vinegar emanating from the waterskin.

“It’s a mix of water and wine vinegar. Sometimes, if I have it, I mix in some honey.” With a hand between your shoulder blades, he hefted his pack higher onto his back and began to lead you elsewhere. “The vinegar helps purify the water.”

You tied the waterskin back on Aelius’ marching pack without taking a sip. “I can see the benefits. The vitamins would help prevent scurvy and if I recall correctly, vinegar has antimicrobial properties. However—“ With your hands on your hips, you gave him a disapproving glare “— It does not protect against parasites. You must be full of worms! I insist that from now on, you only drink boiled water, Aelius.”

Aelius raised a teasing eyebrow. “That is not where worms come from, even I know this, medicus.”

“Where do they come from then, dominus?”

At the sarcastic honorific, a sharp bark of a laugh echoed through the open air. Aelius shook his head with a smile. “You get worms if there is too much food in your belly and it begins to rot.”

“Wrong!” You exclaimed. “You get worms from drinking dirty water, coming in contact with infested fecal matter, or eating raw meat. That is only to name a few.”

“… Are you certain?” His brows were furrowed and his lips were pursed into a thin line. Uncomfortable, he cast a glance at his waterskin hanging off his pack behind him.

You gave him a firm nod. “Absolutely. I would not lie to you. Boil water if you have the time.”

Aelius let out a huff. “If you hadn’t saved my life, I would think you were speaking nonsense. I will take your advice. Unfortunately, we do not have time to boil any water before we begin our march, so posca will have to do.”

“I’m not drinking that,” You said, firm in your decision. Dream or not, you would not be besieged by worms. Given how vivid and realistic everything had been so far, you wouldn’t put it past your subconscious to give you a whipworm infestation.

Aelius only shrugged in response, a knowing glint in his eyes. Whatever he was thinking he kept to himself, continuing to follow his fellow men towards the horses where Marianus was sure to be waiting.

As the sun began to rise, you and the rest of the century continued your slow, miserable trek to Rome. Once the two of you caught up to Marianus, he informed you that he sent a carrier pigeon to the emperors, warning them of your arrival. Apparently, he told them that you were a physician who could bring the dead back to life. Fantastic.

Marianus defended this decision by insisting that you needed to play to your strengths, and Aelius was clinically dead when he was pulled from the water. You weren’t the only one to check his pulse, you merely happened to be the one to bring him back. Your only response was a tired grimace as you turned back towards the horizon as you prayed for a pair of sunglasses to fall out of the sky. If the heat didn’t kill you, the glare was sure to blind you. Your mother would call you dramatic if she was here, but she wasn’t, so dramatic you would be.

It must have been summer because the sun was oppressive and unforgiving. You let out a low groan as a bead of sweat trickled down the side of your nose. Now that it was afternoon, the heat was unbearable, and you were still a few hours out from the city. Though you had refused the posca Aelius offered you over the course of the march, you were so dehydrated, you were considering the worms to be worth it if only to cure your horrible dry mouth.

Earlier in the day, you had checked on your patients, who were being transported together in a horse drawn cart. Unfortunately, the man with dysentery died in the night, something you felt immense guilt for. You shouldn’t have been talking to Aelius, not when there was a man who needed you. While you knew that Marianus would have dragged you back to the tent, kicking and screaming, as soon as he caught wind you were working again, that didn’t mean you should not have tried. The veterinarius assured you he lasted longer than expected under your recommended treatment. You couldn’t help but let out a frustrated noise. If you had access to more modern supplies and medication, you would have been able to save him.

Thankfully, your other patients were doing well. The maggots had eaten a majority of the necrotic flesh on the man you were most worried about. After removing most of the maggots, but leaving a few to eat what dead tissue remained, you gave the man with a fever another ibuprofen and hoped he’d receive better care in the city. For now, you had to keep his body from cooking him alive.

Unfortunately, though, you were exhausted, even more so than before. Coupled with the heat, your headache was bordering on unbearable. Aelius had slowed down significantly to keep in time with your dragging steps, and you couldn’t help but glare at him out of the corner of your eye. He was practically skipping. How was he not suffering as much as you were? You both pulled an all-nighter. Maybe it was because he was keeping hydrated with his evil worm juice. You licked your chapped lips at the thought.

Damn this dream, damn it all to hell.

After ten more minutes of walking, you said fuck it, and climbed into the cart carrying the sick and injured. At this point, you were sure to be so dehydrated, you were considered one of their kind. Flopping face first into the hot wood, you only closed your eyes for a moment before the world faded to black.

What woke you wasn’t the furious snapping by the side of your head, nor Aelius’ frantic shaking of your shoulder. It was the stench. The smell of sweat mingled with incense, and strangely enough, piss, mingled to create the tragic symphony of stimuli that accosted you. Jolting upwards, the top of your head nearly slammed into Aelius’ nose. You blinked wildly at the sight in front of you. If you didn’t already know you were dreaming, you would be certain of it now.

Before you was a bustling city, but like none you had ever seen. People in unfamiliar clothes, mostly tunics on men and long dresses on women — stolae you recognized distantly — all in a multitude of bright shades danced around your cart. Some shot dirty looks at you, and the horses leading you onwards, for taking up half the road. With wild eyes, you took in the beautiful, but strange architecture that surrounded you. Once before, in reality, you had visited Rome, and even then the remaining ancient structures drew your awe. Now, though, they left you speechless. You had to crane your neck as you passed by the colosseum to see the top. Statues sat between arches, almost judging your humble nature, stared down from above. You squeezed your eyes shut. To keep from becoming hysterical, you fixated your gaze on the bottom of the cart. It was plain, like you. A comrade in arms, you supposed

There were two unfamiliar men driving the cart now, and the only people in the back with you were Aelius and Marianus. A flick to your cheek drew your attention elsewhere.

“Boiled water, just for the spoiled medicus.” Though Marianus was frowning, his words lacked any real heat. He handed you a small tin pot full of water. Greedily, you chugged the contents faster than you would recommend for one of your patients. Whatever, you were never good at taking your own advice.

“Where are we?” You mumbled, a part of you still stunned by the sights around you. “When did you find the time to boil this?”

Aelius laughed and wrapped an arm around you. You noticed he was in his armor now, the sharp edges digging into your side. “We are in the City, my friend. Marianus had some boiled when we arrived on the outskirts. That is where the rest of our men are camped, waiting for the rest of the legion to arrive from up north.”

You cast a glance at the men driving the cart. They had their backs to you, crimson armor glowing in the afternoon sun. “Who are they?”

“Two of the Praetorian Guard. The emperors sent them to escort us,” Marianus muttered under his breath, his mouth set into a stern frown. “Best behavior from here on out, medicus.”

“Explains the dirty looks, doesn’t it?” Aelius joked only to snap his jaw shut after a withering glare from Marianus.

Dread squirmed in the pit of your gut the closer you got to Palatine Hill, and subsequently, the emperors themselves. These were the men Aelius warned you about, the men that even Marianus felt guilt for handing you over to. As far as they knew, you were a magician capable of necromancy, or at least that was what your heat-addled brain supplied. You knew that CPR was a valid technique for saving someone’s life, and you knew how exactly it worked. The average Roman — though, twin emperors were nowhere near what you would consider the average Roman — wouldn’t know any of that. You were lucky Marianus didn’t order you dead to begin with.

Uncomfortable, you clutched your duffle bag to your chest. You were thankful Aelius thought to bring it, you had all of your supplies in there. If the emperors didn’t order you to be executed where you stood, you would need your stethoscope and sphygmomanometer to perform a basic checkup on them. Clenching your jaw, you shook your head to clear your anxiety. Focus on the brightest outcome and how to get there, you told yourself. You must remain optimistic.

For a realist, such as yourself, that was easier said than done.

When you looked up, Aelius offered you a reassuring smile, though it was strained at the edges. You returned it, your own wobbly and unconvincing. He squeezed you tighter against his side in an effort to comfort you before allowing his hand to drop. Sitting on the edge of the wagon, Marianus kept his eyes focused on the horizon, waiting for the palace to come into view. Almost on cue, you saw it off in the distance, both elegant and imposing, growing closer with each passing second. Oh, how you wanted to run away. The muscles in your legs clenched as if to prepare for such a fate, even if you would never dare to give into the urge.

You were about to enter the lion’s den. Or, perhaps the wolf's den was more fitting. Romulus and Remus were twins too, after all.

The flow of time was always strange for you, especially in times of high stress. You seemed to have a knack for gliding through life, working on autopilot as your brain fogged over into nothingness. Thankfully, this never happened at work. That wasn’t the kind of stress that got to you. Having another’s life in your hands helped ground you. Your own, on the other hand, that was when you shut down. The world blurred at the edges becoming fuzzy, almost like television static.

Distantly, you recognized Marianus informing you that you had arrived. It felt as though you were moving through water as you climbed out of the cart, your duffle bag hanging on your shoulder. Aelius must have noticed you were off. Instead of wondering what he was whispering to Marianus, you stared off at a fixed point in the distance.

A hand on the back of your neck startled you. “Fix yourself, medicus. We need you at your best.”

“I know,” You muttered.

You weren’t an idiot, you knew what this was. Dissociation was a habit your brain always latched onto in the worst of times. As you walked down the opulent halls, led forward by the praetorians, you did your usual techniques in an effort to calm yourself. It was strange, grounding yourself in a dream rather than reality, but it, thankfully, worked the same. Five things you could see — the marble columns, a bust of a man you didn’t recognize, a beautiful tapestry hanging upon the wall, a peacock parading about in the gardens outside, and Aelius’ concerned expression — four things you could hear — the patter of feet on marble, slaves whispering amongst themselves as they watched you pass, the sound of birdsong, and Marianus’ pointed ‘ahem’ — three things you could touch — the rough strap of your duffle bag, the hair on Aelius’ arm, and your own skin — two things you could smell — cooking pastries carried on the wind and incense, perhaps frankincense — one thing you could taste — the bitter tang of your own fear. It was simple enough. By the time you raised your gaze from your feet to catch a glimpse of fiery red sitting atop two thrones, you were nearly back to normal. There was still a bit of distortion in your vision, and for a moment, you realized that it had been like that for a while now.

Before you were able to assess that thought, Marianus bowed his head. You didn’t have a chance to see who he was bowing to. On instinct, you followed suit, your fingers clutching the strap of your duffle tight enough for your knuckles to go white.

“Caesarēs,” Marianus said.

Out of the corner of your eye, you watched him, only lifting your head when he did. Upon two twin thrones sat two twin emperors, both with hair bright as a sunrise behind their golden laurels. One was taller, sitting straight backed with one leg crossed over the other, twisting a ring on his finger as he examined you. There was a paranoid air about him, as if the three of you were vipers he had noticed at the last second. The other looked completely disinterested in the entire ordeal, one leg up on his throne, the other outstretched in front of him as he rested his head on his fist. They were both wearing makeup with enough pale foundation for it to look cakey, but where one had kohl rimmed eyes, the other had doll-like blush adorning his cheeks. Their clothes were ornate and the gold that hung from their ears and around their neck clacked together with each minute movement.

“Centurion,” The one with kohl around his eyes stated as he stood, his gaze trained on you. More specifically your hair before darting to your shoes, his lips pursed into a thin line. “You are Lucius Marianus and this is the physician you brought us.” He stopped in front of you and you noticed his jaw was clenched so tight, a muscle in his cheek jumped. “The one who can bring the dead back to life.”

That got the other emperor’s attention. He perked up and you fought the urge to shiver under their dual stares.

To his credit, Marianus did not cow under the intimidation. “Yes, Emperor Geta. I witnessed the procedure myself along with a handful of my men. I can give you their names if you would like their secondhand accounts.”

So, the tall one was Geta. That meant the little one who was staring at you with a predatory smile was Caracalla. Your duffle bag was sliding off your shoulder, but you didn’t dare heft it any higher. You felt as though you were in the presence of a tiger about to pounce. The slightest movement would send either emperor on the offensive, and you really didn’t want to deal with that.

Geta’s pupils slid from Marianus, to you, before landing on Aelius, who visibly flinched under his stare. This seemed to please Geta, his lips twitched upwards ever so slightly. “And this is the so-called ‘man who died?’ I am sure you and the witnesses are from the same century, no less.” He sighed and took a few steps backwards, examining all three of you with his hands behind his back. “A century can be a very tight knit band of men, though I’m sure you already know this, centurion. They can be coerced to lie if their superior orders it.”

“It is no lie, Emperor,” Marianus replied, voice steady.

Caracalla spoke up for the first time, his voice a high-pitched rasp, “Perhaps a demonstration is in order, brother.”

“Yes, a demonstration of your skill, medicus.” Geta snapped his fingers and a praetorian stepped forward, his hand on the hilt of his gladius. “I will have the centurion’s throat slit and you will prove to me that you can truly bring the dead back to life.”

“Wh- What?” Dumbfounded, you weren’t able to keep yourself from muttering in English. Marianus tensed, his mouth open to speak, though no words came out. Beside you, Aelius looked horrified, his face three shades paler than before. It took the praetorian unsheathing his blade for you to find your voice again. “Caesar, no, wait! That is not how the procedure works! If you slit his throat, I will not be able to save him without surgery!”

Geta raised an eyebrow, but before he could speak, Caracalla let out a sharp laugh. “Your accent is repulsive, foreigner. You speak Latin as a child would.” He grinned at you, blue eyes narrowed in cruel amusement. “See-zer. How ridiculous. Speak again, medicus, I want to hear more of your foolish words.”

“Yes, speak.” Geta was fidgeting with his ring again. He seemed to realize this, folding his hands behind his back, his eyes like coal. “Tell us how this procedure works then.”

“It- It, uh…” Licking your dry lips, you cast a glance at Marianus for support.

“Eyes on me, foreigner!” Geta barked. Your head snapped back to him, eyes wide and terrified.

“I apologize, I—”

“I did not ask for an apology, I asked for an explanation. Now, will you give me one, or must I have these men killed for you to find your tongue?”

A bit of cold sweat trailed down the back of your neck. It took everything you had to meet Geta’s gaze. “It’s a procedure called cardiopulmonary resuscitation. It works best on drowning victims and those who are suffering from heart problems. With your hands, you manually beat their heart, and with your mouth, you blow air into their lungs. If there is a wound, a disease, or some other problem that caused death—” You couldn’t believe you were relying on the metaphysical to explain this. What would your professors say? “— Then the spirit, no matter how strong, cannot return to the body as it has been deemed uninhabitable.”

While Geta seemed satisfied by your explanation, Caracalla was visibly disappointed. He turned his hunter’s eyes from you to Aelius. “And you, soldier. You are the one who died?”

“Yes, Caesar.” Unlike Marianus, Aelius was unable to keep the tremor from his voice. If you weren’t so close to Geta, you would have missed the pleased puff of air from his nose.

“Tell me,” Caracalla began, his grin growing wide enough to show off his singular gold tooth. “What was it like to die?”

“I do not rem— remember much. It was cold and dark, it felt as though I was both asleep and awake at the same time. I could have sworn I heard the ferryman approaching before suddenly I was… torn into awareness, my chest aching fiercely.” Gentle, he placed his hand against his chest. You were thankful you didn’t break any ribs. Once you had a moment away, you wanted to check over his bruises once more.

A strangely disappointed frown pulled at Caracalla’s lips. “That is it? No agony? No sorrow?”

“No, emperor, I felt calm. At peace, even.”

With an annoyed huff, Caracalla turned away, clearly done with the conversation. That left room for Geta to turn his attention back on you. “Where are you from, medicus? I had assumed you would be Greek considering your occupation, but I don’t recognize your accent.”

“Our last physician was Greek,” Caracalla piped up, eyeing your hair with interest. “He did not last long.”

“I- I am from…” What did you say? You couldn’t tell them that this was a dream, and saying you were from the future felt like a quick way to get killed. After a moment, you decided to rehash what you told Marianus. “I am from a country far across the western sea. It is large and civilized, much like Rome, th— though I am very impressed with what I have seen of your Empire. It’s beautiful, unlike anything I have ever seen before.”

The compliment made Geta’s chest puff out, no small amount of pride creeping into his features. “Yes, the Empire prospers under our rule.” It didn’t take long for him to remember himself, his expression steeling over once more. “I have never heard of a country to the west. Why is that? Why are you the first visitor I have ever heard of?”

“We are…” You didn’t know the Latin word for ‘isolationist,’ which left you floundering. “Our government likes us to be alone and not interact with other countries. We are not allowed to leave and no one is allowed in. I cannot return now that I am in Rome.”

“A shame,” Geta hummed, looking pleased. “And without citizenship, your options are limited.” Slow and predatory, he began to circle you. “Are you aware that an emperor is capable of granting citizenship?”

Shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot, you gave up on trying to keep him in your line of sight. With him behind you, goosebumps crept up your arms. “I assumed so.”

In front of you again, Geta ceased his circling. He seemed to have come to a decision. A flash of anger flickered over his face before it became stony once more, his hands clenched into tight fists behind his sides. “You will be the new imperial physician. If you serve me and my brother well, perhaps I will grant you citizenship.”

“And the reward I mentioned in my letter?” Marianus spoke for the first time in what felt like hours.

When Geta took his focus off you, a part of you relaxed. You couldn’t imagine being under either man’s piercing eyes for the foreseeable future without popping a blood vessel. “Yes, your men will be given respite before their next assignment. You, however, will remain here with this man.”

Marianus opened his mouth, probably to protest, before he thought better of it and clamped his jaw shut. “Yes, Caesar.”

“Physician,” Geta said, his voice sharp. “If you fail us in any way, you and these men will die. If you try to harm us in any way, you and these men will die. Am I understood?”

“Y— Yes, Caesar,” Was all you managed. Your heart thudded an angry rhythm in your chest. Having your own life forfeit was one thing, being responsible for two others, while familiar, was no less terrifying. It helped your mind sharpen, however. While you understood the human body innately, these games you would have to play with the emperors were new to you.

“Kai-sar,” Geta corrected through clenched teeth.

“No, don’t correct him, brother, I quite like his accent. It grows on me like maggots on a wound,” Caracalla laughed. It was squeaky and high pitched, almost mousy in tone if not for the harsh edge. With two fingers, he gestured for you to come to him. “Come here, medicus.”

It took everything in your power not to look at Marianus for permission. That had irritated Geta before, and with Aelius’ warnings ringing in your head about Caracalla, you would rather not earn his wrath either. Especially now that you knew it wasn’t only your life on the line. Cautiously, you took a few steps forward.

“Closer,” Caracalla intoned as he leaned forward in his throne.

With nervous, shuffling movements, you obeyed.

“Lean down.”

Your fingers twitched in front of your chest as you leaned down to be eye level with Caracalla, not even a foot away from him. In a blur of red, he lunged forward and grabbed a fistful of your hair, giving it a harsh yank. A scandalized yelp tore from your throat and you stumbled backwards as far as you could get the second he let go. It didn’t hurt too bad, but it was enough to startle you. When you looked up, he held a few wispy strands of green hair in his closed fist.

Caracalla let out a mean laugh. “His hair is real, brother. I knew it! Tell me, medicus, is that shade natural where you’re from.”

“I dyed it,” As hard as you tried to keep the annoyance from your tone, you failed miserably. To soothe the pain Caracalla left behind, you rubbed your knuckles against your aching scalp.

Geta looked amused at your expense, the harsh lines of his face softening once his brother was in view. Caracalla was oblivious to this change, his attention focused solely on you. “What is your name?”

When you told him your name, his nose scrunched up in disgust. “What a horrible noise. I refuse to call you that.” Caracalla turned to Geta, his hand lazily cradling his cheek as he rested his elbow upon his throne. “Brother, any ideas? Perhaps, viridans?”

Geta hummed, deep in thought. Given the speed at which he answered, it sounded as if whatever name he intended to give you had been on his mind since he met you. “Alga.”

In response, Caracalla let out another hyena-esque giggle, clapping his hands together with glee. “Yes, yes, Alga is perfect, brother!” Without missing a beat, he turned to you, gold tooth glowing in the sunset with the rest of his jewelry. “You are Alga, now, physician. We expect you to answer to it.”

Your mouth pressed into a thin line. It was the only sign of your displeasure you would let show. The emperors seemed to think of you as a stray dog or a new toy that they could tease and name as they saw fit. For as much as it irritated you, you had enough self preservation to let it go.

“Of course, Caesarēs.”

And just like that, you could practically hear the bars to your gilded cage lock shut.

A/N: Yayyyyyyy, chapter two is done. I am so, so worried that Geta and Caracalla are OOC or their dialogue seems off. Fuck it, we ball. I hope I was able to get it across well, but Geta is playing 5d chess with everyone in his head because he’s convinced Marianus and company are all traitors and spies. The only reason he agreed to let them become a physician was to catch them in the act and then make an example out of all three of them. In his defense, bringing someone back to life doesn’t seem very plausible. Caracalla, on the other hand, is too busy being like ‘tralalalala’ to keep up with the Kira Deathnote levels of insanity Geta is on.

Also, in case you missed it in the last authors note, ‘alga’ means ‘seaweed’ or ‘something of little worth’ in Latin. Those two are pricks with a capital ‘P’ let me tell you.

Oh, BTW, if you noticed that yn’s dialogue is stilted or weird in some placed, that’s on purpose! I’m trying to mimic the eay they sound speaking Latin, as it’s not theie first language and they are rather clumsy with it.

Anyway, thanks for reading!!! Comments mean so much to me btw, I love feedback. I need it to survive. And, if you have any questions about the Latin or cultural stuff, PLEASE ask, I would love to tell you. Yayyyyyy, that’s it, love you, bye!!!

Taglist: @snazzynacho @t6gse370

[ableedingheartdove]

I'm going to say something that is apparently very controversial: not liking dogs doesn't make you a bad person, or an untrustworthy person. Actively disliking dogs doesn't make you a bad person, or an untrustworthy person. As long as you are not practicing fucking animal abuse or some shit, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not liking dogs (or disliking them) and not wanting to own one nor interact with one. I'm fucking tired of this fucking discourse.

[ropes3amthoughts]

Long ramble of my thoughts in a diary entry-esque format that felt too ridiculously long to post without a cut before it:

At work (I can’t spend the money btw bc I’m a minor and I don’t have my own credit card or like financial independence so my parents just put it somewhere. I thought they were saving it for college but apparently my mom plans to put it into my retirement fund? Ok this wasn’t what I was going to talk about in my rant at all but I just need to say that sounds like a total scam. Save up like a million dollars for when you’re 62 years old? What the fuck am I gonna do with a million dollars when I’m that old? Buy snacks that’ll kill me instantly? Buy a trip somewhere and then get dizzy in the plane because I’m old as shit? What could a 62 year old do with one million dollars wtf why not just put it in an account with normal interest now so I can like have it for when I need it/want it? What if I die before 62 is my money just wasted? Sounds like a horrible plan to me. I know it’s like to last me but I feel like if I turn 62 years old I’m dying the next day I don’t have a model healthy life style my ass is making it like maybe 70 at most. I feel confident that I do not need a million dollars in my 60’s. I don’t have a million dollars on me by the way I’ve only made like $3000 but with interest my mom said it’ll be like a million when I’m 62 and like man can’t I just like have my money now I could like give it to people who need it now or like use it for college like c’mon now why are we gambling on me needing it 45 years in the future wtf I am scared of even being like 18 years old or like 30 years old like 62 is some crazy fuckin numbers and I told my mom I didn’t want to but she never listens to me so she’s probably doing that anyways smh bruh)

Ok anyways what I was originally saying was at work I was struck with the thought of the Dungeon Meshi fandom becoming one of those notoriously evil fandoms (like Voltron) after season 2 of the anime airs and I felt like Kate from Alpha and Omega when she has that prophetic dream of the different wolves fighting (ok that’s a cringe ass reference but like I was kinda like her in that one scene and it’s so funny to me at least) like oh lord bruh that’s gonna be me fr I can already see all the people getting insane over ships especially since in the latter half of the manga the characters get closer and form new bonds and stuff and it’ll be a mad house with people saying what ship is better and what not dude I can already see like the KabuMisu foot massage scene, the Laicillle Succubus scene, the Marchil marriage scenario thing, the scene where Marcille is longingly staring at Falin in the ice, the scene where Kabru says he wants to be Laios’ friend, etc. etc. like all of those scenes are gonna be like putting an apple in a container of 20,000 meal worms put in 500x speed the people are gonna go mad I tell you and I am afraid

I think what spurred this is I’ve seen a handful of my buddies like diss each other (though it’s not been direct like fighting it’s more like they show a screenshot of one of their posts and be like “yikes” or vague them or stuff) plus I’ve been on Twitter (ok that’s my fault I know I know Twitter sucks) and people were getting into the stupidest arguments about shipping like the one “Laicille is hated because it’s straight” thing getting like 40k likes and people were being like wildly homophobic n stuff and like it dawned on me that once season 2 comes out and like however many thousand people come back plus the new people coming in too it’ll be like that times however many bajillion people and that’s crazy idk if I could put up with that Imma fall to the floor sobbing especially if anybody asks me to like a pick a side or some shit like I don’t even care about ships that much 😭😭😭 Idk if it’s bc DunMeshi has like no romance or if it’s just one of those medias where I don’t ship anything lmao because I’ve gotten in a handful of those like Subnautica and Hollow Knight were games I came out of shipping nothing and DunMeshi was the same for me like after people pointed out ships I was like that one “what the hell sure” meme and just went with whatever but I just didn’t ship anything reading it and I’m not even really attached to anything now and I’m just kinda whatever y’know

Man this is kinda awkward now because this was gonna be like a post post but it’s just like awkward rambling I’d tell my friends but now that I’ve said it all at once and with a bit of a like undertone of me telling it to an audience (a tumblr audience) I can’t really organically share it with my friends anymore so I guess I’m still sharing it with you guys? Idk I feel weirdly share-y tonight that’s probably not a good thing. I’m gonna play a game after I post this I think. What game? Idk imma just look at stuff and figure it out as I go lmao but imma have fun and play uh bye to anyone reading this

[m1ckeyb3rry]

No because it was fr just a weekly “lmao get ready for the WHERES TOGE text” but EVIL INUMAKI??? WHY LMFAOO???? I’m crying wtf PLEASE PLOT RELEVANCE true though that’s actually kinda sad omg Inumaki erasure too real….i will just be glad that he’s alive (gege also gave him back his arm in that color spread celebrating the end too??? Either I didn’t read well enough or Akita also forgotLAMAOA)

LMAOOO I’ll never say no to a good tiktok edit…but also no pressure to scroll through because sometimes I do that and I mentally kick myself because there’s sm I have to scroll back through for

FR they really made it so it’s very children target audienced like big round eyes just round EVERYTHINF and the jokes and interactions from what I’ve seen are also very kid targeted imo…

LMAOOO otoya truly would not exist without any Ls but AHAHAH protractor hair and Mr white and green in historical drama I totally forgot about that immersion factor I’m laughing

FR you should just buy the rights from Justin Bieber atp imagine at some point otoya gets to meet reader too by proxy of Karasu and he gets shut down real fast he barely gets a word in and she’s like “you look like a fboy yikes” AHSHAHAH

- Karasu anon

i think they were predicting he was the second traitor (who ended up being like some random higher up iirc) because he didn’t do anything else but kept showing up LMAOO also i’ve seen people complaining about that but actually no it’s not an inconsistency!! it’s in one of the final chapters where they’re talking about how rika needs to consume some part of someone to use their technique or smth and that’s why they haven’t regenerated inumaki or hana’s arms yet…not sure why that was added in there because yuta uses cursed speech beforehand and tbh i didn’t care enough to figure it out but yeah i do remember something along those lines being mentioned i think it’s right after the double jacob’s ladder

OKAY WAIT i’ll add them in at the end i’m typing this on my ipad so i’ll save the draft before going on my untrustworthy ahh tumblr mobile app on my phone to paste in the tik tok links SKLHDFJS

CAN YOU IMAGINE WATCHING A HISTORICAL DRAMA and it’s all dramatic and whatnot (i think reiji hiiragi can maintain his canon appearance the black hair with lavender eyes is very mysterious and fits the vibes it’s giving targaryen from got almost?? and same with yukimiya he’s okay) and then we get to the scene where otoya’s revealed and it’s just…the fuckass green streak

OMG WAIT SPEAKING OF OTOYA REVEAL I NEVER TOLD YOU HOW READER FINDS HIM!!! actually wait maybe i did i don’t even remember if i did i’m sorry for the repetition but if not hehe spoiling hollyhock time once again basically it’s the last night of the month they agreed on giving her to find him and she hasn’t found him yet but they’ve been talking every night and they’re lowkey kinda close at this point?? like otoya clearly is fond of her and she seems to like him as well…anyways otoya’s like okay well i guess tomorrow night’s the night you take me to kill your half brother and she’s like okay but can you do me a favor tonight?? so bro’s like idk what’s the favor and she asks if she can touch his face and ofc otoya being otoya thinks he’s managed to rizz her up so he’s like sure 😏 and lets her put her hands on his face and then it seems as if they’re about to kiss like they’re leaning in and shit yk but right before they can reader opens her eyes and she’s like i found you you’re mine now and he’s like 🤔 you’re not allowed to open your eyes at night #cheater 🤨 and she direct quotes him (apa formatting for citations) LMAOAOA she’s like “no you said once the moon rises i had to keep my eyes closed until daylight (m1ckeyb3rry, 32) but there is no moon tonight” and in fact it is a new moon and otoya’s so impressed that he straight up switches sides LMAOAOA my man thought he was the rizzler nah he is the rizzee SKDFJHSK he was not immune to her slightly insane charm

HELP i basically am justin bieber maybe i need to do a justin bieber theme next with the amount of times i reference him…smh young mira would be disappointed she was too #notlikeothergirls to ever be a belieber she’d be sad i quote him sm nowadays /hj

okay edit compilation they’re not all mahito because i saw some while scrolling that made me be like wait let me send HAHA

hak edit

inumaki meme edit ig?? lowkey us asf

megumi edit

another megumi edit (bro…i think i miss my wife 😓 also s1 artstyle SO GOOD anyways i liked megumi for two years watching my old saved edits of him is making me emotional)

THIS NANAMI MEME oh my god fanon shidou and i used to quote it all of the time it is SO funny

mahito edit (finally…sadly most of the ones i had saved from earlier got deleted but here’s one?? tbh he doesn’t have THAT many good scenes so if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all)

[dreamdevours]

* the danger is still present, in your time, as it was in ours. - — this place is not a place of honor. this place is best shunned and left uninhabited

(my body is a godless temple / long since fallen to ruin / and yet i kneel to pray)

god of dreams, morpheus. maker of prophets and madmen. an independent, private, highly selective portrayal of darkrai. re-imagined for the horror genre.

a study of divine portent, moonless nights, destruction, and redemption. by percival (he/him, 30+)

legend (tba). this blog is a sideblog to @godstrain. this blog runs on beta editor only! rules under readmore!

𝐨𝐧𝐞. #DREAMDEVOURS is an independent, private, highly selective and mutuals exclusive writing blog for darkrai of the pokemon franchise, but re-imagined for the horror genre.

this blog is 18+. please do not follow me if you are under 18!

on this note, this blog will feature dark and triggering themes. i have been in the fandom before, this is by far not my first rodeo, but i am back with new ideas because of course i am! and these new ideas are all from me being special interest resident evil lmao so it's going to get messy! i will make sure to tag these things with the format of #trigger so that they can be filtered out!

𝐭𝐰𝐨. shipping is not the priority here- also eternatus is a cosmic god and while capable of taking a mortal form, isn't about all of that lmao.

if shipping happens, it will require a LOT of plotting and will not be with any mun or muse under the age of 21.

i am also very open to any other sort of bonds though, just let me know!

i should also note that i will accept mains and exclusives! -

𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞. am known for writing metas across the blogs i have. in the wise words of a friend:

with this in mind, the metas i write are portrayal specific to this blog, so please give them a read! i know i can be rather wordy- anyone who has followed me elsewhere may know this, but for my first time followers, worldbuilding is one of my favorite things to do. i am particularly fond of analysis of character psychology.

𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫. to the point above, i do have other blogs! i run @godstrain and @godraet. i am in and out of other fandoms, but i am trying to focus on a smaller group of things for my own sanity.

and by this, i mean i work 32-40 hours as a registered nurse in an inpatient psychiatric unit. i am busy, i am tired, and i can't keep letting my focus go all over the place. inevitably, it still may do that because i have a tendency to be scattered, so if i don't get to something immediately, it isn't you, it's me!

also related to that, i do love communication! i struggle with reading the room (it's the Autism tm) and so if something's up or if you're bothered, please be direct with me! i will not take offense, i quite appreciate feedback so that i can be better as a person! in return, i will communicate back! i am learning to curate my space (after 10+ years of being on tumblr).

𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞. there are people i won't interact with due to various reasons- my dni list is on the carrd of my other blogs. i won't interact with genderbent versions of characters, people who are Real Life Individuals (not counting fictional depictions like in the typemoon franchise or whatnot because those really have nothing to do with the actual individual they're supposedly based on?).

please stay far away from me if you fall under the following categories (i'm censoring things because god knows tumblr just picks shit up idk): proshipping, writing inc*st, p*dophilia, r*pe/n*ncon, are transphobic/homophobic- the usual gross behavior! use your moral compass!

on top of that, i am a firm believer that we learn from the media around us. full censorship is just as dangerous as the aforementioned things- the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows! please refer to this post which essentially summarizes the gist of what i'm trying to explain.

𝐬𝐢𝐱. anyway, hello, i'm percival. i am 30+ and use he/him pronouns exclusively! i am a hobby artist (it's my side-gig from nursing) and sometimes i post my art, tagged #whats my art tag considering i constantly forget my art tag if it's fancy. please do not repost my art without my permission. my icons for eternatus' mortal form are of goetia from fgo. art credit is at the bottom here!

mutuals, feel free to ask me for my discord, since i am much easier to reach there!

i look forward to writing with you!

[the-official-account]

Episode 19 liveblog take two

We made it happen!

@threeofheartscast

Because I do actually really want those notes on QC. Listening at 2.35 speed which sounds....awful. but useful! Semi from memory this may not be entirely in order

OMG HI!!!! I KNOW YOUR FROM THE TWITTERS!!!

QC elf, brown eyes and longhair In ponytail wears all black suit, gloves, book, robin-mask

Is this sir thimby person thinbleton? Sigil on card with future slanted font helmet with two crossed swords

Despite the fact that it's morally wrong I kind of ....yk maybe let him kidnap diamond a little bit? Some light kidnapping

I love how his first insibt when a fire starts is to stick to the CEILING. How are those lungs looking bestie

This music is GROOVY

IF ITS NOT GAY ITS GOT TO GO he's gonna love the agents.

For vellums kidnappings minimum 7 times depending on

-if random count extra,

-or if he wandered away and someone picked him up,

- didn't notice kidnapped,

- kidnappers forgot him and he just left,

- infodumped until the kidnappers got so annoyed they let him go

-about to walk into an open net while reading but manhole instead

The music is not as good as 2.35 speed

This entire scene was very cute and my original reaction included a lot of keysmashes. Vellum just went for it I appreciate that.

I feel like if there was a field agent hand book vellum would have at the very least edited it.

Xbala and spar having kissed us very soar behavior

Fic of them eating dinner after 2nd kiss before hotel

Vellum giving him a kiss. Draw spar half up in bed, with his face in vellums shoulder, vellum looking soft blushing (this shit is cute) muttering, petting his hair "mmmm breakfast is good, important part of the day....mmmm yup" -spar

Their argument here is the best

I FORGOT VELLUM SAID "YOURE VERY CUTE LIKE THIS" THATS A FUCKING DORABLE

I'm just gonna assume spar has a thing for suspenders

QC just Speedran becoming a coming of interest in a kidnapping (so fast the kidnapping hasn't happened yet)

HE HAS TELEKINSESIS what a little guy... He's so absurd in the best way i adore him. In my mind he is a Manlet I will die on this hill

Jack has a druid parent... Sanguinia. Stays with "g/Cladia" friend in...........city stoneloft

RADIO MOVIE NIGHTS ARE SO CUTE

I remember freaking out about greggins and Jack being qpps (just like me, fr!)

"Intense feelings and situations"

Grey just know it wasn't worth lying to vellum, he's too smart

There was a lot of freaking out about Max being the kid, but I landed on the theory that Grey both kept them seperate and wants vellums blood because Max is a werekid, and it wouldve been traumatic for both of them to raise them together but maybe vellum can help him find a cure. I can understand why there would be so many feelings messed up in all that

Vellum got SO cold in this question and I don't mean in a mean way but it's the...determination

Grey does have the best outlook on clovenheart & I think that's sus

Persuaded the FUCK outa him

Providince......don't thing I trust this. Grey's in his Gatsby era

"Fix other harms that needn't have happened"...........*squinting* return magic?

I WANT GREY TO COME BACK now that's she's less immediately evil) sus

Also I DID say I thought resurrecting vellum's parents could be a part of Grey's motivations!!!!, I did say that!

I really like joy

your sparkliness sounds very diamond

QC and the agents being at odds with eachother at this party sounds like the setup for SUCH a good time

HELL YEAH!!! Songs were groovy. Formatting still banging. I made a note herea out how juggling scenes like that is hard but Jordan did it really damn well. Kitt's so funny!!! I'm excited that they're here. QC is just a funny little guyyyyy he's just a little guyyyyy!!!

Note: hey future lushlet if you get up to wiki shit dont trust this I make hella typos

[hungry-hobbits]

I posted 8,029 times in 2021

214 posts created (3%)

7815 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 36.5 posts.

I added 674 tags in 2021

#bioshock - 159 posts

#wwdits - 106 posts

#resident evil - 82 posts

#fallout - 79 posts

#reference - 75 posts

#rdr - 38 posts

#personal - 37 posts

#fr - 36 posts

#saw - 33 posts

#mooney - 29 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#like if you think banning someone from shopify is the death of free speech go dunk your head in the toilet so maybe some of your shit for b

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

direct orders from headquarters

134 notes • Posted 2021-01-23 15:30:28 GMT

#4

nightmare blunt rotation

193 notes • Posted 2021-03-21 13:41:09 GMT

#3

560 notes • Posted 2021-01-27 23:28:52 GMT

#2

i saw a post in this format and had to make it about Saw

994 notes • Posted 2021-07-21 13:00:40 GMT

#1

happy 1st birthday robert house 🎂✨🤖

1636 notes • Posted 2021-06-25 15:00:41 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[yikeswtfmate]

(1) New Message from Unknown Number

main masterlist // (1) New Message Masterlist // next part

Summary: Y/N is drunk and can’t remember her ex’s number.

A/N: Hello, it is I, the idiot who writes Social Media AUs when she’s drunk but is too lazy to put them in the proper format and just leaves them to die somewhere on her laptop

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (Social Media AU - that’s a lie, it’s actually just texts in Word format 🤡)

Warnings: swearing, dumbassery

Unknown Number: Hey asshat so listen

Unknown Number: I kno we hvnt spoken since like

Unknown Number: High school but whateve idc

Unknown Number: U’re an asshle so I dnt even care that its like…

Unknown Number: 3 in the morning nvrmd

Unknown Number: Ive ben dared to txt my hottest ex by these evil witchS so

Unknown Number: Here u go

Unknown Number: At least u had decent abs so congrats on tht jfc

Unknown Number:  also u dnt get to complain abt this txt bc like

Unknown Number: u dated me for 6 months on a dare so U KNOW WHat this shuold feel like ya

Unknown Number: Wow dude that sounds like a dick move

Unknown Number: Seriously who the hell dates someone for 6 months on a dare?

Unknown Number: Doesn’t that only happen in movies though?

Unknown Number: hey bitchass dont act like u don’t kno what im talkinG abt

Unknown Number: Oh shit yeah, sorry. I don’t know who this asshole of an ex is but I sure as hell am not him

Unknown Number: Dude sounds like a complete waste of human space

Unknown Number: And I think I wouldn’t get to live it down if my friends would hear I did something that shitty

Unknown Number: Wait lemme ask Sam

Unknown Number: Nah, he says Steve would’ve beaten my ass if I were to do that so there u go

Unknown Number: m sorry who tf are u

Unknown Number: Bucky

Unknown Number: what kind of stupid name is bucky

Unknown Number: Shit man, u’re the one blowing up my phone at 3 in the morning, sending me weird ass messages when I don’t even know u and u dare say my name is stupid???

Unknown Number: Sheit srry

Unknown Number: Is been A long night

Unknown Number: nd week

Unknown Number: Actlly make thAt the whle entire fuckin month

Girl with asshole ex: Srry fr bothering u

Unknown Number: It‘s cool

Girl with asshole ex: Hey the witches ask if ure hot

Bonky: Yeah

Girl with asshole ex: WHAT THE FCK MAN AT LEST BE A LIL BIT HUMBLE SMH

Bonky: U wanted me to lie?

Girl with asshole ex: Fair point

Girl with asshole ex: They wnt a pic

Girl with asshole ex: Pic or it didn’t happen punk

Girl with asshole ex: Tht was nat

Bonky: What kind of party are u at that you can constantly text me?

Girl with asshole ex: Wanda’s place

Girl with asshole ex: Girls night

Girl with asshole ex: Getting hammered on wine BITCH

Girl with asshole ex: Also dnt change the subject

Bonky: I don’t even know your name

Girl with asshole ex: Why would I tell u my name I just want to see a suppsdly hot asssd

Bonky: You know mine and now you want me to send u a pic of me

Bonky: Bit of a disadvantage here babe

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: BABE?

Girl with asshole ex: Fine

Girl with asshole ex: BABE if I tell u my name will u send a pic of u so we kno u arnt a 60yr old perv

Bonky: I’ll think about it

Girl with asshole ex: Hey fuck u

Girl with asshole ex: Not fair

Bonky: How do I know you’re not the 60yr old perv?

Girl with asshole ex: Cuz she got big tiddies to prove

Girl with asshole ex: And that was wanda

Girl with asshole ex: So now u know my fridsn

Bonky: Still don’t know your name tho babe

Bonky: Also tell Wanda she shouldn’t give out this type of info to strangers

Girl with asshole ex: ure not a stranger anymore bonky

Girl with asshole ex: ure my babe nao

Bonky: I’m going to let that Bonky slide just bc u’re cute

Bonky: But I’m also going to stop replying until you tell me your name

Girl with asshole ex: U think im cute?

Girl with asshole ex: 

Girl with asshole ex: I mean u havnt even seen me but thats fair

Girl with asshole ex: Wand and nat say its true so ill believe u rnt lying to me rn

Girl with asshole ex: But I wanna see if ure cute

Girl with asshole ex: Wait why r u up st 3 in the mrng I mean we re drunk but wht r u doing

Girl with asshole ex: Babe u need to take better care of urself

Girl with asshole ex: Babe

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: BABE?

Girl with asshole ex: Ph shit ure actually ignoring me

Girl with asshole ex: I dont like this

Girl with asshole ex: I actually like talking to u

Girl with asshole ex: Pls stop ignoring me

Girl with asshole ex: COME BACK AND LOBE ME

Girl with asshole ex: Babe?

Girl with asshole ex: Fine

Girl with asshole ex: It’s Y/N

Bonky: Now, that wasn’t so hard was it? 

Babe: fcuk u

Bonky: I’m up at 3 bc we ordered pizza and decided it’s time to beat Sam’s ass in Mario Kart once and for all

Babe: Nd how’s that going for ya?

Bonky: Bitch has been beating us for the past 3 hours

Bonky: Thor is the only one getting at least close to him now so we’re about to give up

Babe: Wait shit how r u replying so fast if ure playing Mario kart tho

Bonky: I gave up two hours ago

Babe: Quitter

Bonky: Just gotta know which fights to pick babe

Babe: Heads up I might be fallin asleep soon

Bonky: Drink some water before that, maybe get some food in u as well to soak up all the alcohol and have an advil close for tomorrow

Babe: Ok MOM

Bonky: Hey Wanda willingly told me you have “big tiddies” so your friends don’t seem to be doing a good job of taking care of you

Bonky: Might as well let me do it so you don’t die tmrw

Babe: Ohhhh so u careeeee babe im touched

Babe: Kkkkkk Ill talk tu u tmrw ill be dead soon

Babe: Nd I do have big tiddies

Bonky: Good night babe

*

Babe: What the shit

Bonky: I see you survived

Babe: Barely

Babe: My head might explode soon and I feel like I’ve vomited for an entire lifetime

Babe: TMI sorry

Bonky: I’d like to point out I’m glad I don’t have to decipher your texts anymore and that you can actually spell properly

Babe: Fuck you Buckaroo

Bonky: I would also like to remind you that I have on good authority that you have “big tiddies” so don’t make me use that against you

Babe: I am going to kill Wanda

Babe:Ugh I need coffee

Babe: I’ll talk to you later

Bonky: I’ll be waiting for you babe

*

Babe: So

Babe: BABE

Bonky: Yes baby?

Babe: 

Bonky: Nah, you love it

Babe: Fine

Babe: You still haven’t sent a pic of you though. I might be able to rise Nat and Wanda from the dead if you do

Bonky: What do I get in return?

Babe: The promise that I will keep replying even though you might turn out to be an ugly orc?

Bonky: Not enough

Babe: Fine. I’ll keep talking to you until you want me to stop. Or until I get bored of you

Bonky: Eh, you can do better

Babe: What do you WANT?

Bonky: A pic of you in return

Babe: I’m not sending you nudes, perv

Bonky: If I wanted to see you naked and be a dick about it, I could’ve asked last night, don’t worry

Bonky: But if you’ll know how I look it’s only fair I should know how you look

Babe: That sounds reasonable

Bonky: I’d say it’s a fair exchange

Babe: Fine, you first then

Bonky: If you don’t send me a pic of you afterwards babe I will stop replying, just so you know

Bonky:

Babe: Did you type super hot guy with the most beautiful eyes in the world in Google or something?

Bonky: I’m touched but no. Sam took that photo at a work event

Babe: Bitch do you really expect me to believe this is you? That looks like a guy who just stepped out of a magazine, I highly doubt I would have the luck to text him instead of my ex when drunk

Bonky:

Bonky: Are you always this annoying?

Babe: …

Bonky: What? Do you want me to take a selfie with the fucking newspaper now? I read the news online babe, I’m not getting off of this couch just so I can buy a stupid newspaper to prove it’s me

Babe: Do you have one in a suit?

Bonky: …why am I putting up with this?

Bonky: Hold on

Bonky:

Bonky: It’s been 5 minutes, are you going to reply?

Bonky: You still have to send me a picture of you though, a deal is a deal you know

Bonky: Fine, I warned you

Babe: Shit sorry

Babe: Hi Bucky, this is Natasha

Bonky: Hi Natasha. Is Y/N alright?

Babe: Uhm how should I put this?

Babe: Y/N is crying right now and she can’t reply herself

Bonky: What? What happened? Is she okay?

Babe: Oh yeah

Babe: She’s just crying because (and I’m quoting here) you’re “so beautiful, it’s like all my wet dreams and fantasies have come together. I swear this is some cosmic joke, this is not happening”

Babe: I’m not sure if she’s laughing or crying now

Babe: But she keeps yelling at me that I have to send you the most perfect picture of herself that has ever existed or you will stop talking to her

Babe: I think she started crying again because “I will never live up to that level of perfection, he told me that I have to know which fights to pick”

Babe: Uh yeah so here

Babe: 1 Photo Attached

Bonky: Hey Nat, could you tell Y/N that I would like to talk to her now?

Babe: Sure

Babe: Hey

Bonky: Baby?

Babe: Yeah?

Bonky: You picked the wrong fight if you think “you will never live up to this level of perfection”

Babe: Oh God

Bonky: Stop being an idiot

Bonky: And listen to me

Bonky: I would really like to keep talking to you. Mainly because you’re an idiot who makes me laugh, but it’s also the fact that you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my entire life

Babe:

[chal-lelerc]

ok so like. here’s my harry potter house thing. i’m ngl i tried to do this but then i deleted it bc it was getting too long and i didn’t have the attention span but. it kept sticking in my brain so i decided to pick it back up and as such, i’ve lost the original post but it was a quarantine activity (sort drivers into houses, assign quidditch positions, explain) posted by @verstappened​. houses done first, then positions, then explanations for both. i tried to make feasible teams, i.e making sure there arent too many of a single position per house, so this really screwed some of the sorting but oh well.

i did the houses first, then positions, then explanations in that order for the most part.

5/13/20: the sorting was mostly done before i heard all the differing opinions (of which there were many!)

5/19/20: alright so this is literally like 2 months old but i’ve just finished it lolol

Lewis Hamilton:

Slytherin: THE GLORY MAN. the aloof kind of superiority, confidence, is top dog, he’s simply the pinnacle of it all. kind of lethal and doesn’t do the whole ‘looking up to others’ things (outwardly, but he seems very soft on the inside tbh). very majestic and is almost a gryffindor, the kind of slytherin that Merlin is. hard-working, got here from incredibly humble beginnings, which kind of stands out from the rest, but he’s clearly now at the top level of society. still very protective of Others. scarily ambitious. Was originally a gryffindor but I wanted the brits to be in different houses for their quidditch positions to work. Could honestly go either way though.

Seeker: more glory. periodt. he stays winning and scoring the most points. clutch-man. Speedy boy, kind of in a different world than everyone else when competing (he’s always at the front lifetimes away from everyone else lmao. playing a diff game.)

Valtteri Bottas:

Hufflepuff: HE SEEMS. LIKE. A. BIG. CHILD. always relegated and brushed off but is literally God-Tier and no one can convince me otherwise. i consider him to be rather reliable (reflecting only the 2019 season at least lmao). a bit of a vindictive streak bc he knows what he’s Capable Of even when others underestimate him. has a very bright smile.

Beater: have u seen him. he’s a big boy even though he’s 5′8 and only an inch taller than lando norris he seems bigger than he is ok

Charles Leclerc:

Slytherin: this bitch. what a snake. hiss hiss.

Chaser: he wants what lewis hamilton has but chose the wrong position. still a star in his own right. pride and joy of his house, will be at the lead of every formation play unless told otherwise by his head of house, to which he will brood and complain ab but comply in the end bc he wants Team Success and loyalty to his Family. scores the most points on the team and people act like he carries even though he literally has a partner(s).

ok but fr my gut said charles is a slytherin (do i really need to explain why? very critical, doesn’t accept inferiority, somehow succeeds. just a feeling his brain seems to fit motorsport politics well), but i was seriously contemplating whether he’d be a gryffindor to max’s slytherin instead. but then i saw someone mention the whole lion schtick and i was like for all of max’s brattiness he is Gryffindor so sharl is snake. sorry don’t make the rules just follow them.

further edit: this was written before he started streaming (this is how old this draft is) and can u believe him he’s the epitome of the “not all slytherins r evil wenches” idea

Sebastian Vettel:

Ravenclaw: idk for all of Seb’s goofiness he just seems cerebral to me. Seems to know mildly irrelevant facts and is really quite smart however is hopeless in the modern age. Kind of that wise old(er he’s not that old) man knowledge. I’d trust him to give me all the life advice I need but also to write a 10 page essay on the nuances of the effect of emotion on verbal language (which we all know he is very experienced with).

Keeper: it’s the protective Dad Power.

Max Verstappen:

Gryffindor: WAS REALLY GONNA PUT HIM IN SLYTHERIN BC HE’S A NASTY LIL SHIT. TOTAL BRAT. GIVES FUCK ALL WHAT OTHERS SAY. BUT HE IS LION AND LION IS HE SO GRYFFINDOR IT IS. also just bc he needs to oppose sharl in every way possible it’s called Poetic Cinema. also his driving style is clearly the bravery and confidence to the point of recklessness that is prevalent among gryffindors.

Chaser: again, he must oppose Charles. so, not a seeker although he’s clearly singularly the most prized competitor. just like Charles, pride and joy of house, their star chaser. the comparisons never end. the competition never ends. the fighting never ends. one of the most interesting and dynamic performers to watch, is predictable in that he’s not predictable except that he will always be aggro to the max. will always be in trouble for getting rough bc that’s Not His Job but that’s just the gryffindor disregard for rules. master point scorer.

Alex Albon:

Gryffindor: was really a toss up btwn this and Hufflepuff but the ultimate deciding factor was the fact that I wanted all the British Boys to be seekers. he really just sticks it out as max’s teammate like a real one (nothing against max, everything against Helmet Merco) for the good of the team, still is sweet with max anyway. fitting that they’re in the same house too.

Seeker: he’s not the small boy that lando and lewis are but he is (thai/)British. very special boy (big ups on the promotion even tho it was Sad Times for Pear) deserves very special job. also he has a hot girlfriend (alex albon who i only know lily he’s boy toy) idk how that’s relevant but it seems fitting.

Carlos Sainz:

Ravenclaw: bc he’s a spaniard but is still better at english than Lando (i think everyone is tbh). Seems to be a quiet type of smart, sensible, but perhaps this is just the consequence of being compared to Lanno at all times LMAO (no hate all love bby Lannd). would be the type of ravenclaw to follow his friends on absolutely idiotic ventures but would step in to prevent near death or likely-legal-problem causing actions (and only then; otherwise it’s every man for themselves and everyone is free to make a fool of themselves and break some laws. carlos may dabble in such practices.)

Chaser: seems to be a go-getter, not going for points doesn’t even cross his mind. will always be the one driving up the pitch, the strategist of sorts bc he seems big(ger) brain (than lando lololol).

Edit: I wrote this part ab him long ago but this entire section of this post is now irrelevant and canceled.

Lando Norris:

Hufflepuff: you all know why. zero explanation needed. like, none.

also has a bit of an aggressive streak which tends to catch ppl off guard. is not afraid to confront u (hello pageNO) and at times defies the hufflepuff stereotype of being perpetually happy go-lucky (he has his bad days!). but when with His True Crew he is absolutely a hufflepuff ball of energy.

Seeker: small and speedy. energetic to the max. small. quirky and different from the rest, so he gets the special job. small. everyone would kill to protect him. small.

Daniel Ricciardo:

Gryffindor: AW I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE THAT I PUT HIM AND MAX TOGETHER. LOOK I EVEN MADE THEM BOTH CHASERS. AH HOW BIGBRAIN MY MIND IS. everything ab dan is gold. golden skin, the colors in redbull and renault, his smile, just the vibes. he’s just got the enthusiasm and charisma and this intensity of a gryffindor. super aggressive, his late breaking (from his rbr at least) is legendary and maddening with how he pulls it off. is almost a hufflepuff but the gut said no.

Chaser: is Max’s teammate. so yeah. was obviously the star until younger max came to the show. a bit lost in limbo bc of it but they still work well together.

literally want to make him a hufflepuff so. bad. but i couldn’t split up maxiel. also his vibe is just different from other ‘puffs like stroll so.

Esteban Ocon:

Slytherin: ask max.

Chaser: being characterized off of their relationship with max seems to be a theme here. will go head to head with max w/ absolutely zero shits given. talented, but the rivalry with max is entirely secondary to charles imho. still yet to show his full potential but is still quietly a thorn in max’s side. many are interested to see what he is able to do in the immediate future.

Pierre Gasly:

Hufflepuff: GUYS HE WANTS TO OWN A PANDA

Chaser: constantly trying to prove himself and score big boy points. had a stint as seeker until lando came along. did not do as well as ppl had hoped, returned to chaser and proceeded to crush it from there. praticed a lot with charles as children (the friendship dynamic w/ their houses was definitely unforseen but is amazing).

Daniil Kvyat:

Hufflepuff: really wanted to make him a slytherin but the quidditch positions didn’t work out. firmly believe this works though. more of the rough and tumble type, definitely the kind that will sock u in the nose if u write off hufflepuffs as a joke. could honestly probably be a gryffindor too with how unapologetically aggressive he can be in the name of His Beliefs. gives me big dumb himbo vibes now that i think ab it tbh which is mostly the justification here. also he has a child omg.

Chaser: but the one that’s always headbutting bludgers out of the air (torpedo bitches). also had a stint as seeker before but it Was Not His Thing. he’d much rather be chasing and throwing things than seeking things. also he’s pierre’s mate :,) would’ve been a beater but romain and valtteri will not be anything else so daniil took the boot whoops.

Sergio Perez:

Slytherin: it’s just the vibe. knows his weaknesses and is able to make up for it with his confidence and talent in his strengths. very ambitious, plays the right cards at the right times to get the right results. something ab him puts me on edge, but like in a good way; i feel like there’s always a trump card up his sleeve, like when he gets to q3 out of fucking nowhere in a racing point.

Keeper: he gives me the same vibes as seb idk what it is. very dependable, backbone of his team.

Lance Stroll:

Hufflepuff: guys have u seen the guy. he’s just here to have a good time. may seem a bit airheaded at times but he means well 99% of the time. untapped potential. seems like a no thoughts head empty canadian hockey boy (and every one of these types is a hufflepuff don’t fight it); may or may not be the only accurate description of him.

Chaser: he’s just trying his best out here. i

KEEPER?: SO I DID A QUICK GOOGLE AND HE USED TO BE A HOCKEY

GOALIE?????

so scratch my initial thoughts (tbh i didn’t really know where to put him and i originally had romain as keeper but that’s an issue to fix later on now) BECAUSE LANCE STROLL IS A keeper GOALIE AND NO ONE CAN REFUTE THIS. ABSOLUTELY NO HUMAN OF THIS EARTH. WHAT GLORIOUS INFORMATION TO STUMBLE ACROSS.

Kimi Raikkonen:

Slytherin: guys i really don’t have an in depth analysis of this but i don’t think iceman needs one.

Beater: see above^. y’all must get the vibe.

tbh could also be a keeper tho similar energies to seb and checo, but honestly his no fucks given attitude is ultimately what swayed me

Antonio Giovinazzi:

Gryffindor: he just has that majestic quality (that could also fit a slytherin but i only see red when i see antonio). look at that lion’s mane. also he’s one of kimi’s to paddock friends? seems fitting that he’s a gryffindor to kimi’s slytherin.

Chaser: plays second fiddle to the duo that is max and daniel, often regulated to vibing on the side. but he’s there and he’s important and he has potential (i’ve been seeing ppl talking ab a ferrari move and i’m positively shaken). [edit: again, this post is old.]

im sorry its glaringly obvious idk much about him asdfjasldkd

Kevin Magnussen:

Slytherin: guys lots of these are just self explanatory sorry if i seem like im taking the cheap way out but it’s fact. brundle and crofty call him a great white shark for crying out loud.

Beater: unapologetically chaotic. lurking around the edges making people feel hunted. spends more time playing baseball in the middle of the matches than quidditch and sometimes it backfires but it’s good fun and it sometimes works.

Romain Grosjean:

Hufflepuff: y’all he’s such dad energy and he likes to cook. gets written off a lot but he actually cares (he’s a part of the grand prix drivers assoc.!). he seems so wholesome and he spends time with his kids and their school work when he can do u feel those water drops yeah those r my tears.

Beater: i really wanted to make him a slytherin beater to make him teammates with k-mag but he’s just. not a slytherin. but i kept the beater part. spends the majority of the hufflepuff v. slytherin matches sending bludgers kevin’s way even when he doesn’t mean to. it’s always reciprocated.

George Russell:

Ravenclaw: I’VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN THIS KID. is so marvelously well spoken and he just has such a simple yet effective way with words. he knows what’s reasonable to expect but never fails to expect the most that he can given his circumstances. again, mentioned this before but a lot of it is his accent. the glottal stop is a historically stereotypically rural (i.e. “uneducated”) thing but I’m American and I Don’t Listen to the Rules, so the accent just makes him seem so sophisticated to me especially when he’s saying things like “horriiiiiiiific” and presenting his hefty powerpoints.

Seeker: my British Boys Are Seekers headcanon continues. definitely a Golden Boy of the team kind of guy (hello tragic dumpsterfire that is williams :/ ).

Nicholas Latifi:

Hufflepuff: same boat as lance. his twitch streams are so wholesome he’s just chilling man. twitter made me write him off as daft and unnecessary at first but like fuck twitter i’m all here for ninky latvia now.

Chaser: lowkey gives me keeper vibes as well? the sensible, level-headedness. but obvs that’s lance so chaser it is. still the level-headedness that helps him hold down the fort btwn pierre and daniil who can tend to get a bit imaginative, and also the energies of them + lando.

5/19/20: so it’s quite clear to me that i grew tired of brain functions the more time i took on this and the later ones are a bit lacking and for that i’m very sorry. that being said i’m still happy to see this finished bc the idea was VERY exciting for me.

[solar-hedonist]

Great post op, you literally articulated these points so well, and it’s kinda brave these days to say these things bc the white Wiccans get maddddd asf. I’d like to add a few if that’s ok!

The use of the word “magick” instead of “magic”. A lot of people really don’t know this one so it’s easy to mess up, but it has very very problematic roots, and the justification for using it in the modern day is flimsy at best. It usually at least indicates lack of research on magical terms, but most will find its most popularly used in white witch spaces, and neopagan spaces in general.

Going back to your point about closed practices, specifically what you said about closed plants. Some ppl don’t know this but there’s actually closed animals as well! There just tends to be more laws around them because people care more about animals than indigenous people. It’s to the point that in most places, it’s illegal to own certain feathers unless you are in a federally recognized tribe with special permissions to handle those animals for cultural reasons, and you could be charged a hefty fine, or even jailed. As an indigenous person, I believe this should be the same or similar around endangered sacred plants, such as white sage or other widely poached sacred plants. I only say this because I’ve literally had white witches gift me illegal feathers, which I’ve had to properly (discreetly) get rid of!

Anyone practicing Wicca at all is a red flag. The fundamentals of that religion directly come from both stolen closed practices, and “occultified” catholicism. Down to the deity figureheads they worship (the trinity and consort), to the “traditional” practices, to the rede itself. It was made by a crazy white occultist man, along with some other non-credible consultants and spread like shit on a windshield wiper. This isn’t to say that people who practice Wicca are inherently bad people or anything, but that people who do, have a lot of decolonizing and unpacking to do, and I encourage them to educate themselves and consider another less harmful route. Because the more you learn about Wicca, the less appealing it becomes to people with good intentions.

You mentioned the threefold law, and that just made me wanna bring up a similar point. There are certain cultural and religious terms like karma, spirit animal, chakras, chi, smudge, chalice, etc that come from non-occult practices, cultures, and religions, and people need to respect that, and stop watering them down fr. It’s a red flag when people use them, because it shows they’re either very uneducated, or in the worst cases, willfully ignorant or malicious with it.

I’m gonna actually jump right back up to your first point and expand on that one too. People get it twisted with black and white magic, because they think it’s as simple as good and bad like the media makes it. In reality, any concept of good vs evil, black and white, and even a grey area are inherently cultural, and have hyperspecific historical and cultural contexts that get left out when it’s all simplified into black, white, and grey. And it plays into that looming colonialism that still plagues spiritual communities, overshadowing it with these mainstream Abrahamic ideals. Black white, good and evil have always existed, but if one wants to believe in those kinds of things, I think they should look into which cultural specifics they actually follow. It’s more truthful and informed that way, and lets you be more understanding when it comes to disagreements.

Adding a controversial point of my own: neopaganism/new age spirituality isn’t good. Like at all. And it’s not the same as modernizing practices, or coming up with new techniques that actually work. I’m talking like, the idea that wisdom and knowledge can be cultureless, default, or easily accessible in a quick, simple format like a video or post. When you become someone who practices magic, you immediately sign yourself up to be a historian. Like, a super nerd. And you set yourself up to be a scholar as well. You are signing up to humble yourself, seek out verified truth, and deal with realities such as colonization, practices lost to time and genocide, the corrupt historian and archeologist fields full of biased white cishet men, etc. Neopaganism and new age spirituality in general, at their roots, are just tools to water down, capitalize off of, and exploit culture. Yes, I’m talking about European cultures too. All of those practices came from somewhere, and those somewheres are often demonized minority communities who went through a genocide at one time or another. Acknowledging it and unpacking it is the first step to being a powerful, knowledgeable witch. Look into EVERYTHING, down the the terms you use for a tool or practice.

Red Flags In Pagan Circles

I've seen a lot of younger, inexperienced members of the pagan (and witchy!) communities fall into some traps set up for them by people who wish to harm them. It saddens my heart to see this happen, as a lot of newer practitioners join these circles so they can learn! And because they're new, they often get taken advantage of.

So I'm creating this non-comprehensive list of some red flags in pagan and witch circles. Again, this isn't comprehensive. I will be updating this as time goes by, so I recommend checking in on this. For each red flag, I'll give a brief explanation as to why it's a red flag. As always, feel free to add your own in the replies and I'll add them to this post!

EDIT: 11/15/2022 - since there's been some people misunderstanding some of the things in this post, I've rewritten a lot of it so hopefully it makes more sense! Apologies to any confusion that's been caused. I also added some of the additions people have reblogged as well!

Usage of the terms "black" and "white" magick:

While this doesn't always mean someone is racist or xenophobic, within occult spaces there's this tendency to use this. The association of darkness/black things being evil isn't always a racist thing (we as humans are naturally afraid of the dark), but it did play a part in the Atlantic slave trade by associating dark skin with animalistic, evil ambitions and light skin as being pure and good. This isn't 100% a red flag, but it's good to keep an eye out when it is used!

Argues that anyone can practice whatever they want, regardless of the status of it being closed or not:

Closed practices are closed for a reason, specifically because these practices have had their people murdered, their land stolen, and their practices made illegal for many years. The reason they are closed is so that outsiders cannot just come into their sacred spaces, take what they want, and bastardize it. The belief that you can join these closed practices without being initiated/born into them is rooted in colonialism and racism. This is one of the biggest red flags. Some examples of closed practices are hoodoo, ATRs, Native American beliefs, brujeria, and santeria. Some plants are closed as well, so please do your due diligence.

The belief in folkism/volkism: that open pantheons should only be worshiped by those with their blood:

This is the complete opposite of the above. Open pantheons are open because they have not been passed down to us in a single line, and they are currently being revived. As such, these practices can't really be "closed". People who argue that open pantheons should only be worshiped by those with their blood are partaking in the same beliefs as Neo-Nazis. Please watch out for this especially in heathen/Nordic spaces! These people ARE NAZIS. The specific dogwhistle here is "go back to your roots". (Thank you to @chrisasiaheartman)

Offers to teach advanced practices (baneful magick, deity work, etc.) to newcomers:

It's true that everyone is on different parts of their practice, and not everyone will progress the same way. However, there are certain practices that newcomers should not be doing until they have the basics down. This includes baneful magick and deity work, as you can open yourself up to disastrous consequences if you don't take the proper precautions. This isn't too much of a red flag as often the people doing this do mean well, but it's still something to look out for.

They use the terms "witchcraft" and "Wicca" interchangeably:

They are not interchangeable! Witchcraft is a practice, and Wicca is a religion. These types of people often believe you must be Wiccan to practice witchcraft, which you don't.

They refer to Wicca as an "ancient" religion:

This is false. Wicca was founded in the 1960s. If they do this, it could either be tongue-in-cheek, or it's just blatant misinformation. I would be careful.

They act as though baneful magick is evil.

It isn't. Baneful magick can be a form of protection and self-defense, it is not always a bad thing.

They act as though the "threefold law" is the end-all-be-all of practicing:

Not every witch believes in the threefold law, nor are you required to. This goes back into my point about them believing you must follow Wiccan teachings to practice witchcraft. You don't, period.

The use of racial or cultural slurs, even if they claim it's in a non-discriminatory way:

They are racist. If they're mentioning these slurs in an educational way, that's fine. But if a witchcraft space is just dropping these slurs casually in speech, it's a good sign of them being racist.

They push a specific diet:

You don't need to eat vegan or vegetarian to be a witch. No one has to. Some witches might think that's the best way to practice, and that's fine! Some witches might not subscribe to that idea, and that's fine too!

They push pseudoscience and/or anti-science ideologies (anti-vax, etc.):

This is extremely dangerous. Witchcraft and science can work together just fine. People have done this for so long, and pushing these ideologies can be extremely dangerous to peoples' personal health.

Enforcement of gender binaries:

This is things like the divine "masculine" and divine "feminine". Often times these people will also claim that the womb/uterus should be worshipped as well, and the people who do this are often TERFs/transphobic. Not everyone neatly fits into a gender binary. (Thank you to @hagstone-enthusiast for this!)

They promote the idea that only witches can be female, or that male witches are called warlocks:

Witches can be any gender, and the term warlock is actually derogatory as it means someone broke their oath.

Promotes the idea that mentally ill/neurodivergent witches that that way because they have a strong intuition:

This is very dangerous because being neurodivergent/mentally ill isn't a special thing, and it often is a detriment to many people. People who claim this often believe in indigo children/starseed children. In addition, look out for people to claim that neurodivergent people are that way because they "don't have a position attitude" (thanks to @urchinbeans5000).

[clan-fuildarach]

I'm not sure if you talked about it more before I started following your blog, but I'm pretty curious about the origins of your dragon characters tbh. Like, are they like ur OCs you had in a big story you had in your head or smth that you adapted to write as dragons in a separate AU-type thing? I'd love to hear more about it or be directed to a place where you've written about it somewhere.

well you’re mostly right! many of my characters here (luke rúth delta neven john mikaelxandra rezann leo) are just au versions of characters i already had. and it’s less a big story i had in my head and more a 10-year project that’s over 2 million words long and 2 rewrites deep atm - i’ve written eleven or twelve books (it’s subjective) and done countless more au stuff and exploratory stories that just get into anatomy and worldbuilding and stuff like that (so like... stuff that would be really boring to anyone but me). i’m not saying any of it is any good or worth reading, but it sure is a thing. 

i stopped incorporating my old characters into fr dragons in 2015 so any dragon i’ve made since then is original to my fr lore (which started off as a fantasy version of my other story but then diverged wildly off into completely different territory) 

i do have a blog dedicated to it but it’s password locked and i’m not giving out the url. i do have a blog supposedly dedicated to my personal creative work over at @fuildorcha but it’s been a while since i posted there (but i might start posting soon since i’m starting to get back into writing and planning and what have u) 

uhh i’ll do a really basic bare-bones plot summary and a quick intro paragraph to where each character comes from under the cut here so u all know where i’m coming from 

basically it’s a first-contact story? but with alternate dimensions/parallel universes rather than straight-up aliens. each one of the characters listed above (except for the last 3) belongs to a different dimension, and the story is basically about how they meet. and there’s the added uh emotional poignancy in the fact that the first 6 of them are not human and are supposed to be the only ones of their kind, so basically each one has lived a life expecting to never ever meet another like them, to only have humans for company. but obviously they do meet. and they end up doing some really dumb but also heroic stuff while also liberating a bunch of people from oppressive regimes. they also learn that maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way 

the main character is luke who is fond of making these super unhelpful crusades against those he considers to be his allies but really no one wants his help because he just makes things worse like constantly, as a habit, without really caring about consequences. he’s a jerk of course and permanently fucked up after the death of his sibling way back when. but one day he makes a Big Terrible Mistake that killed a lot of people, irradiated a major city, and would have resulted in him being imprisoned for basically the rest of his life and also introduces the concept of laser superweapons to humanity (this can only go well lmao) and - as a knock-on effect - the ability to break the dimension barrier. like he really fucked up. but instead of being sent to jail he gets forcibly drafted into the service of a government scientist, emma, who gives him an ultimatum: work for me for free and get exploited endlessly, or rot in jail for the rest of ur life. his treatment at the hands of his captors (who pretend they’re on his side, they’re very evil) results in a vengeance crusade on his part that sets off the whole first-contact chain of events. he lives in a world like ours, except that there was a rebellion against the british monarchy a couple hundred years ago. on the run from the law he meets a very lost and very confused stranger who doesn’t speak a word of english and is also rúth. the two of em fall in love. aw (luke is still nonbinary and given the chance would use ‘they’ pronouns here too but i wanted to make the world like ours as much as possible and luke hates standing out in any way so he wouldn’t want to use a non-standard pronoun set. so he just uses the set that matches his name) 

john comes from a radically different dimension, one where the monarchy spread and basically controls the entire planet. but, unsatisfied with that, his queen alexandra began colonising other dimensions and stripping them of their resources (and thus ensuring that her own home is the best-equipped and richest and all that). john is the queen’s weapon, it’s his job to “quell dissenters” which is a nice way of saying that he goes in to contested areas and massacres everyone. but he is beginning to doubt his role and the ethicality thereof, and is very curious about the numerous blank patches in his memory that seem to coincide with every previous occasion he entertained potentially treasonous thoughts. seeking to put an end to luke’s campaign against her, emma reaches out to the monarchy to ask for aid. the queen sends in john to do his normal job but things don’t go as planned. john switches sides and becomes basically the most wanted person in the universe.

rúth’s dimension is inextricably linked to john’s - it is the victim of the monarchy’s first attempts at extra-dimensional colonialism. the monarchy fucked up a lot back then, before perfecting its technique, and the battle between rúth’s predecessor and john’s predecessor over the territory completely destroyed the entire mediterranean, turning it into a desert. rúth’s predecessor lost the fight and the monarchy took root in france and spread south. but an unintended consequence of the battle were the chemical reactions in the soil and atmosphere that led to the formation of dye deposits - the only ones of their kind in any dimension. if not for them, the population would have left the desert, but they hung on to mine out the dyes. rúth lived a relatively peaceful normal life until accidentally stumbling through a monarchy portal into luke’s world. with a french-english dictionary and a lot of sign language, luke manages to communicate to rúth that he needs help to fight against john

now ok, neven comes from a parallel version of rúth’s world where the monarchy lost the big battle, but the desertification happened anyway. neven’s people sought safety in the monarchy dimension and took on the mantle of being imperialist jerks. eventually a bunch of bad shit happens and the dimension becomes uninhabitable, so they do the most logical thing and build a space ship to live on. neven is there the whole time, being treated as the avatar of god and the champion of their race etc etc. in the early 1900s, the space ship breaks into a new dimension which it allies with, and neven finally meets another one like them. the two never get a chance to communicate much, but they fight together for about a hundred years and neven falls in love. aw. eventually one of the space ship’s oldest allies - the monarchy from john’s world - gets absolutely destroyed via mysterious circumstances. commander of the space ship, rezann, decides to take the opportunity to cannibalise the monarchy’s remains and execute anyone who might attempt to resurrect it - this includes john.  

delta (for it is he whom neven loves) is literally the parallel version of luke. like they are the same person, genetically identical, but their dimensions veered off very early on, so due to the two of them growing up in completely different circumstances, delta bears almost no resemblance to luke besides appearance (and then only barely). delta comes from a wonderfully idyllic background - sent to a workhouse when he was young, he was part of a rebellion that saw the workers take control and basically start their own little settlement. this prospered for hundreds of years, with delta as its guardian, until that world’s monarchy went to war. the men of the village were hit by the draft and delta decided to go with them to keep them safe. unfortunately he was discovered as Not What He Seems by the king and instead of helping his settlement, he inadvertently causes it to be wiped off the map by revealing its presence (and the presence of its pagan, blasphemous population) to the king. delta gets mind-wiped, forgets his real name, and gets thrown onto the front lines to fight beside neven. later - years and years later - he gets in some real bad shit, gets basically everything taken from him, and would probably die alone and in pain, but he gets rescued. he gets a happy ending 

leo comes from a completely different unrelated story, he’s a frustrated IT technician working in a computer shop who basically becomes the plaything of the gods. but there’s no real plot to be had, i just liked his character enough to move him over into fr at the time (2014). fr!leo has had way more character development than og!leo who i don’t really write about any more