#forever love ashlanders honestly

[its-sixxers]

Sooooo..... Tandreth is the son of the Nerevarine... does it mean you also have a char for Morrowind? 👀 And if so can you talk a little about her? Preeeeetty pleeeease? jsjsjjsjsjsjs

Oh god I sure do and sure can.

Her name’s Asenath, she’s skilled in alteration, destruction, and illusion and also isn’t half bad with a spear.

Ashlander by heritage, though her family fell victim to dunmeri slaving practices so by the time Asenath comes along she only has scraps of her culture left to her. Her family earned their freedom about a hundred years before she comes along and ended up working as guides and caravan escorts in County Cheydinhal and The Rift, helping merchants, smugglers, and basically anyone with coin find their way into the Morrowind mainland. Asenath was born in Cyrodiil, lost her mother when she was in her teens and didn’t know her father, and her uncle took care of her after that. He was chronically depressed being very close to her mother/his sister, so Asenath has a massive desire to find some sort of belonging - the strange dreams of a life entirely different to her own don’t help.

It’s one of her first escorts for the family business where things go wrong for her - she’s tagging along with what she thinks is an ordinary caravan, but when they’re held up by an Imperial patrol it’s revealed to be a contraband smuggling operation and she ends up tossed on an imperial prison ship and hauled off to Vvardenfell, and OH WOW LOOK HEY SHE QUALIFIES FOR THIS WEIRD PROPHECY THING and the whole Nerevarine thing gets launched off.

Asenath is initially annoyed to be strong armed into working for the Empire but happy that she’s allowed to keep her hands and avoid worse punishment. Through it all she reconnects with her heritage, discovers the tribe of her ancestry is extinct, and slowly gains a very large and intense hatred for the Tribunal. Her personal sense of identity starts getting quite fuzzy once the Nerevarine thing sets in hard.

to tl;dr it, she deals with Dagoth Ur and the Tribunal and ends up feeling a lot of pain and general melancholy from the whole thing - while ‘justice’ is done, Nerevar had a legacy of conquest put onto her, ancient beings that did often genuinely care for their people were killed (beings that were friends/a lover in a past life), the Dunmer are cursed, an entire culture’s founding principles have been destroyed and exposed, her people are only just beginning to recover from centuries of oppression, and that meteor hanging in the sky doesn’t have anyone to keep it up anymore. But Azura’s very happy with her, so that’s nice. For however much that counts, daedra and whatall.

Tandreth and his sister Azuraansi come on the scene as a result of her seeking some sort of comfort - having twins was a surprise but if there’s anyone who can single mom a set of twins while Red Mountain’s exploding it’s probably the Nerevarine. (Tandreth is named for Asenath’s uncle, Azuraansi being the firstborn twin is named in tribute to Azura in an ashlander fashion).

She ends up disappearing sixty or so years after the Red Year, and it’s only when Tandreth calls on an ancestor spirit fighting a dragon with Idunn ~150 years after that he has confirmation she’s dead, given it’s her spirit that shows up.

[gisellelx]

So in MS there’s the part right before they all split up at the end where Edward notes that despite the danger they were in, Esme was so sure they were doing the right thing that everything would have to work out. As much as I don’t trust SM, I have to take that as a callback to how difficult it must have been to leave Columbus pregnant, but knowing it was the right thing to do & doing it anyway.

This is an interesting thought. It has taken me forever to think through it, so forgive me. (if you stick an ask in my box; I’ll get to it. But I want to give my whole brain to it.) 

Esme is the optimist. And not in a “she wants the HEA” kind of way. Carlisle is a forceful worrier. And so is Edward. They’re not waiting for the other shoe to drop, they are convinced that the brackets on the shelves in the shoe closet are shaky and that at some point the entire arrangement of shoes are coming down on their heads. The balance to that has to be someone who has so much hope. This is part of the reason, I think, that she jumped from the cliff. She had mustered all the hope and confidence and chutzpah she had to get herself to Ashland. If you read the Illustrated Guide, she was in Ashland because her family found her in Milwaukee; so she didn’t even run once, she ran twice. So she just keeps hoping and keeps convincing herself that everything is going to be okay, and then suddenly...it’s not. Her baby dies; everything is for naught, all the risks she took panned out to despair, and she’s lost. 

That’s enough to drive anyone to a cliff. 

And then...in strides the love of her life. So she’s pretty sure at that point--well maybe after a year or two--that the world actually doesn’t mean her harm. And she has this incredibly irrepressible optimism which is the perfect counterweight to Carlisle’s pessimism and worry. 

So what I see in that scene more than anything is that relentless optimism. Things will work out because they always, always have. Edward left, but he came back. Rosalie could’ve been a disaster, but that was okay, too, thanks to Emmett. 

And I can’t decide if I think that was sloppy writing on Meyer’s part or the nascent development of a really excellent foil character. Probably not the latter because Carlisle doesn’t need a foil in canon; he’s barely in the books and we get almost no glimpses of Esme whatsoever. And when I write them, Carlisle and Edward are the foils for each other, which I think is more natural (and MS gives a lot of evidence for this with how often and how intensely Edward compares himself unfavorably to Carlisle). 

I suppose in the end I think the frustrating thing is that I get the sense Meyer didn’t think Esme all the way through which makes me kind of annoyed as a writer. The moment I give someone more than one or two speaking lines, I have backstory for days on them just in case I need it. We honestly don’t get much of a sense if Esme is a foolish optimist or if she genuinely is the kind of person who is so pure she manifests goodness and perfection around her, because the authorial hand is so heavy in this saga to give Edward/Bella their HEA no matter what. Esme’s fervent hoping seems shallow to me as a result. She’s not actually hoping against all odds; nothing is ever truly at risk. It’s only in her backstory that things were actually bad, and its in those actions that we get the whiff that she’s not just the shallowly-drawn “mom” that we otherwise see. 

That’s like a thousand words that amount to “yes I agree and also no?” hahaha sorry. I would give my right arm to see Esme written in canon as a more complex character. But that’s okay, I’ll just assume she is, write her that way when I write her, and get on with life. 

[a-tragedy-told-in-metals]

A Tragedy Told In Metals: Copper & Arsenic

Chapter: 1 link AO3

Playlist (Youtube) Playlist (Spotify) Songs 1-3 apply to this chapter

CW: chronic illness, mild injuries, past abuse

[I’m just jumping to posting in real-time w/ my AO3]

Toni drummed her fingers on her desk watching the chemical formulas for different filaments swirling in front of her eyes. And then what she was almost positive would happen, happened: a red marker reading “failure” blinked in front of her. She dropped her sweaty head on the cool surface of her desk.

“We can keep trying,” JARVIS said.

“Yeah,” Toni muttered.

The formulas, graphs and test results continued to mock her from the screen and Toni sighed. She felt tired but grabbed the stupid chlorophyll shake and downed it. The disgusting drinks were meant to slow the poison. She was going through the motions,  pretending this wasn’t as bad as it was. Just pushing through, she wasn’t dying, absolutely not. Except she was and had been since, well, probably since forever, but this particular threat had started the day she survived. It was horribly ironic that the stupid glowing light in her chest, which had saved her life, was now slowly killing her.

That level of irony was honestly funny but she was laughed out. Now it just left a bitter taste in her mouth along with the smoothie. Toni ran her hands along the hardened veins on her chest. The brittle feeling made her feel slightly ill, but that might just be part of the constant nausea she was going through.

Toni was really only going through the motions now. She had already finished writing her will The money was split four ways between charity, Rhodey, Happy and Pepper. Stark Industries went to Pepper. Rhodey got the suits, JARVIS’s mainframe and the Bots. Happy had his choice of cars. Properties, expensive stuff she had and shares of SI would just be split between her friends. Rhodey’s family also got some shares of the company to set them up past the cash Rhodey had.

Toni had it all planned out, it wasn’t guess work. The business had to go to Pepper, she was the only one Toni trusted to not turn Stark Industries back into a weapons company. Rhodey was the only person she would trust in a million years to take care of the Bots and JARVIS with the love they deserve, and, well, he did get the suits; he was the only one who could figure out how to use them if necessary.

“Toni!” Pepper said walking into the lab, her high heels clipping along the floor.

“Yes, Pep?” Toni re-buttoned the top button on her shirt before she spun to face Pepper.

“You returned these forms to me.” Pepper brought up a form on her Stark pad.

“Yeah I did, my signature is there and everything,” Toni replied pointing at the screen

“You signed this page, and the last one but there were a bunch of signature lines between them.”

“Oh,” Toni said with a sigh.

“This is like the fifth time you've done something like this. All of your work is like you’re trying to do it in your sleep.”

“I’m really not Pepper I’m just, ya know, tired. I’ve been busy with SI, and the Iron Queen and just like sleeping and life things.”

Peppers deep suck of breath at the words ‘Iron Queen’ did not go missed by Toni who directed her eyes away from the other woman.

“Well, you can’t leave me to do everything just because you want to fly around in your metal toys. It’s your company and half-done work, late reports,  and missed meetings just aren’t fair to everyone else.”

“They aren’t toys. None of this is a game!” Toni shot back.

“Nor is your company! At least not to me, you’re the CEO and no one else is here to do your work for you anymore.”

Toni ground her teeth together as an image of the men who had run the company before filled her mind for a moment. She breathed out, steadying the immediate way her hands shook just thinking about them.

“I know that, okay? I do.”

Pepper sat heavily into the couch and looked to the side, her fingers resting on her lips. She shook her head softly, “I know you’ve been through a lot lately and all. But I’m being the CEO right now.”

A switched flipped into Toni’s head. Why not make Pepper CEO? It was her plan after she died anyway.  Toni looked up, “Why aren’t you?”

“What?”

Toni stood up, she grabbed a long piece of scrap metal from her table.

“Ta’ da you’re the new Stark Industries CEO” Toni mimed knighting her.

“Haha, this is important Toni,” Pepper said sliding the scrap from her shoulder.

“I thought we established we weren’t joking tonight.”

“Are you serious?”

“Deathly.”

“Well umm, I think we should have the actual paperwork done up.”

“Sure, yeah, we can do that.” Toni nodded.

“Toni,” Pepper said in that “I’m about to say or ask you something you don’t want to answer” tone of voice.

“Yeah?” Toni replied exhausted

“I’m still going to need you to do some work though. You still own Stark Industries, and I assume you will want to continue working on product development.”

“Yeah, I know that. But now you don’t have to do two jobs anymore. You’re the only person I would ever trust with SI anyway. You’re better for the job anyway; you have the degree, the attention span and people skills.”

“Thanks, Toni. Can you still sign this though?” Pepper pointed to the tablet on the table.

“Sure, right.”

~~~~~

Toni was laying on her couch with ice on her knee, shoulder and head all at once. A particularly bad day of “Iron-Queening” had left her feeling really banged up. Everything hurt, but Toni almost didn’t mind. She was used to being in pain and destroying the Stark weapons cache was something worth getting hurt for anyway. Plus, she actually remembered how she got these injuries, which was cool.

“Ms. Toni, Ms. Potts  and an unknown woman are at the door.”

“She armed or suspicious or anything?” Toni said sitting up slowly.

“Not on first scan.”

“Alright let them in.”

Toni sat all the way up and kicked an empty beer bottle under the couch and blinked till her vision cleared up. Pepper was trailed by a woman around her age with bright red hair and light skin.

“Toni, how are you?” Pepper asked.

“Peachy, all these ice packs are for fun!” Toni snarked.

Pepper sighed and rolled her eyes, “JARVIS and the legal department drew up the papers to change Stark industry’s CEO.”

“That's good, but who is she?” Toni pointed to the new lady.

“This is Natalie Rushman. She is going to be your new PA.”

“You're CEO shouldn’t you have one?”

“Oh I will I’m still looking for one suitable. I think you need one or you will never get anything done on time.”

“Hey, JARVIS reminds me of stuff.”

“JARVIS is soft on you.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Yes he is. He's almost as bad as Rhodey.”

Toni sighed.

Natalie walked forward and tried to hand Toni what she assumed were the papers from the legal team. But even if she rationally knew what it was she still flinched back.

“I don’t like being handed things.” Toni explained, “Can you put it on the table?”

“Oh. Yes ma'am,” Natalie said placing it down.

“Oh yuck, just call me Toni. We’re like the same age.” Toni leaned forward and signed the papers, and smiled at Pepper. “Now you're the boss.”

“I’m the boss?” She said returning Toni’s smile, which much to Toni’s annoyance made her stomach swoop. Apparently, that crush she had was not going away and it was really frustrating.

“Yup. Can you stay for dinner?”

“What are you ordering?”

“Actually I’m trying to learn to cook. So I'll make some Pasta. Apparently, cooking is a good skill to reintegrate into life, connecting with the body something, something.” Toni waved her hand as she walked stiffly into the kitchen.

“JARVIS better make sure you don’t burn the water,” Pepper said

Toni shook her head. It was quick work to make spaghetti, not something hard to do. Having Pepper with her made it more enjoyable, though. While Toni was working on making the pasta, she watched Natalie from the corner of her eyes. Something was off with her. Even with a permanently distracted state of mind, Toni could clock signs of Natalie not being what she seemed.

She was really stiff, unnaturally, so. Most people would be really fidgety when in a new place. She didn’t look uncomfortable, per se, and she wasn't so comfortable that it seemed like she had no emotions at all. Natalie just seemed...chill. Toni decided to test Natalie. Was it nice? Probably not, but she needed to figure out what was going on.

“So, Natalie, where are you from?” Toni asked.

“Ashland Oregon.”

“I’ve only been to Portland. Do you have any siblings?”

“No, I’m an only child like you. I’m not really close to my family.”

“That sucks. But friends are so much better than family, if your family’s shit.”

“I just moved here so I’m not close with anyone yet.”

“Well this is kind of a crazy place to meet people but the parties are still really fun.”

“Ah, partying hasn’t been my thing recently.”

“Recently? So was there a time it was?”

“Well, I had a bit of wild stage in high school and college. But I got my head back on straight at the end of college. I had to make sure to get good enough grades in class to get a job like this. ”

“What was your poison of choice?”

“Rum, weed the usual stuff”

Toni traced her eyes over Natalie, there hadn’t been enough pause, hadn’t been enough shame. She did smile, though, and lean into the table. Gave Toni a bright smile. It was charming, and she was for sure hot, but Toni knew fake people, had lived with them.

After eating Toni sucked in a large breath. It was time to enact the next part of her plan.

“Hey, can I show you something in the lab?” Toni asked.

“Sure. Visiting the lab is always a mix of cool and a disaster” Pepper said, turning to Natalie who shrugged and slid off the chair.

Down in the lab, Toni sat in her chair glanced behind her. Both women were watching her expectantly. Toni clicked on the keyboard and the design for her next Stark Pad came up.

“In between my Iron Queen life and having to go to your meetings I actually finished this design.” Pepper walked forward and slid through the specs on the screen. While Pepper was looking away, Toni kicked her foot under the table and caused a pile of stacked up raw material and tools crash to the ground. Pepper jumped and yelped like any normal person should. Toni watched Natalie closely as the redhead also quietly jumped, and then quickly assumed a fighting stance. Natalie’s eyes snapped around the whole room, not to the site of the crash.  Yeah, she wasn’t someone ex-party girl PA.

Great, someone was in her house who was lying to her about, well, maybe about everything. Why did people keep making her life so fucking complicated?

[ansu-gurleht]

i kinda wanted to make a post about ku getting and getting cured of corprus but like.....it was kinda honestly underwhelming

like....ok, old spymaster no-shirt told me to investigate a sixth house base. ok. go there, kill some crazy cultists, some guy with an elephant trunk for a face gives me a love letter from the crazy god under the mountain, then tries to kill me, then i kill him, but whoops, he gave me Super Cancer.

go back to no-shirt and he says “oh go see this weird wizard in a tower, his name is divayth fyr-”

“oh that fucking nerd? i know him, he’s a fucking freak. i’ll go tell him to give me that corprus-curing juice.” no-shirt just sighs and says “okay then, go ahead”

so i go there, he tells me to get some boots from his Sick Person Dungeon, i meet some really old elf guy with robo spider legs, who gives me the boots, and then fyr cures me. also, i live forever now. and i’m immune to disease. cool.

like.....there was a lot of buildup for this. like i’ve heard all sorts of shitty things about corprus. i’ve seen what it does to people. i saw a bunch of corprus monsters in the ashlands, even one in the sewers in vivec. it seemed really scary, even though i knew about how you get it + get cured of it in the mq.

but it just seemed....underwhelming. maybe it was because i’m house telvanni, so i knew where to go, who to talk to, etc. maybe it was because i’m like, level 16 at this point, maybe it’s more of a Big Deal if you do it at a lower level. also the corprusarium was a breeze, but it might be because speed is ku’s best attribute, so she just fuckin’ bolted past all the patients with no problem.

idk man. i was expecting it to be .... more, i guess.

[thehikingnerd]

Day 145 (10/9)

It had been one very cold last night on the trail. I awoke to a frozen water bottle, socks frozen stiff, and shoes that were frozen solid enough that you could tap on the mesh and hear a hollow thud. I made a video as I laid in my tent in the early morning hours about what was going through my head with the end just a few miles away.  It had been such a long and difficult trail to have gotten to this point, and it marked the absolute end for Butt'rs and although it wasn't the ultimate end for me, it was going to be a very different trail after today.  Since we were in no rush, Butt'rs and I took our time getting out of bed, eating, and getting packed up.  Even though we took our time and let it warm up a little before starting off, its never fun putting on frozen gear. I figured it was my last day on trail and I'd just hike in my sleeping socks rather than put those frozen socks back on my feet, but forcing my feet into frozen shoes and thawing them with my own body heat was less than fun. But there we were, all packed up and ready to go.  It was really an introspective moment. This day felt like it would never come. Days out here in the trail can feel like weeks. Today is my 145th day on trail, but with the time dilation you experience, it honestly feels like its been about a year and half at this point. The distance ahead of you seemed so insurmountable that it seemed to stretch out in front of you forever, it really did feel like it was never going to end, and now the end was just over an hour away.  Butt'rs and I talked and both agreed to space ourselves out and to give each other quiet solitude for this last short leg for it to really sink in.  So, he waited for a while while I headed off out in front.  I made some videos and took a few pictures, but mostly was just walked along in near disbelief that I was about to step across into Canada while reflecting on what a journey it had been.  I picked up a couple of rocks in the last mile.  I had been carrying a rock for Angie and one for myself, each of which I picked up in the first mile of the trail, also picked up some lava rock at the mid-point in northern California, and now I would have us each a rock from the finish of the PCT too.  I hope to make a necklace for her out of these rocks and maybe something for myself too as a souvenir from the whole trail. Although in many ways I couldn't wait to see that terminus monument, there was a small part of me that never wanted this to end and its really funny that it seemed like these last 3 miles or so of trail was over in the blink of an eye.  I knew I was getting close so I pulled out my phone and recorded my last stretch as I rounded a corner and the terminus materialized in front of me. Will was already sitting there looking happy and accomplished.  It was all joyous smiles and an odd feeling of disbelief. Apparently he had gotten up pretty early and passed by our camp that morning before we had woken up. I was surprised we didn't hear him. After chatting with him and taking a seat, it wasn't long before Butt'rs came into view holding his Go-pro up and also recording his final moments as he reached the terminus. At this point Butt'rs and I busted out our celebratory libations that we had painstakingly carried since the last resupply in Stehekin. Since they didn't have any hard alcohol (which is what we wanted and would have been much better to carry), I figured I would need at least 2 beers to catch a buzz, but had brought a third because I knew Butt'rs loved beer and wanted to share one with him at the end.  He himself had bought a bottle of wine.  So, I gave Butt'rs his beer, and although I figured it would make for a quicker and lighter (less fun) buzz, I couldn't help it, its seemed so unexpectedly perfect that I had three beers and there were three of us all celebrating at the terminus... so I went on a gave one beer to Will.  Butt'rs also shared some of his wine with me to help with the buzz. It was a really nice hour or two we all hung out there celebrating and reliving moments and just chatting with excitement.  After tons of pictures and what felt like enough time taking in the moment, Will took off and headed into Canada and we soon followed. It was a quick and easy 8 miles into Canada before we arrived at Manning Park.  We walked into the park's general store before heading straight to the restaurant they had there.  We ordered a beer, a burger, and of course the first thing I was going to eat for my first meal in Canada: Poutine!  It was good and we started to figure out all the details after that.  There was a hot tub there that they graciously allowed us to use without charge and Butt'rs and I spent a while just soaking our sore and worn out asses in it while drinking beers and relaxing. We had the whole place to ourselves and it was pretty nice.  We talked over plans.  Initially, I had planned on visiting Vancouver for a few days after the trail just to check it out, but those plans were made before I had taken a week off to visit Angie in Portland. So, I was about 10 days behind schedule and I really really really wanted to be home for Halloween and needed to hurry down to southern Oregon to pick up where I had left off and go SOBO for the rest of the section I had skipped and would end up the trail at Berny, CA.  The waterfall there, I heard, was nice and seemed like a good ending point, at least better than Ashland, OR. But for now, all we knew is that there was a shuttle that left (unfortunately) at 2am and would take us from Manning Park into Vancouver.  We would just have to take that, and then catch a bus that would take us back across the border and into Seattle where I had hoped that I might find some college friends to crash with for a night or two as I made arrangements to get back down to Ashland.  It was a lot of logistics to consider.  But, nevertheless, we enjoyed our evening and went to sleep with our pads laid out on the floor of some basement rec room and sat our alarms so that we wouldn't miss the late night shuttle.

[theshapeofus-blog]

To Saint Paul and Back

Where to start? Almost four years have passed since my last post. Looking back, it may seem like this was periodic life updates, but my goal of it has always been to highlight my life shaping moments. Hence the title – The Shape of Us. The goal is to update it more often than every other four years moving forward :). While it would be helpless to attempt to hit all the shaping moments in the last four years, I’m going to do my best to cover some of the big moments.

To Saint Paul and Back. I think living with Jake at Girard will forever be the romanticized days, but my Saint Paul stint was quite the time. Ashland with Slob and Scherbs was an absolute blast but after two years I was ready for something different. Just a month ago I moved back across the river to Bryn Mawr. Helluva roommate lineup with Slob, Jack, Jay, and Nate. Our house is unbelievably nice, the running/cycling/skiing is second to none in Minneapolis, and I am significantly closer to Alex (see below). Where I live often buckets my memories, so making another move feels much like I am starting a new chapter, and a fresh start always is nice.

RBC -> General Mills. Work is a huge part of life and this change has been a big one. I am challenging and stretching myself more than ever at work and truly hoping I can grow from it. Full transparency, I am still scared that I am not going to be good enough for general mills, or I am not smart enough to learn/remember everything. All I can do is give it my best and let life do the rest.

The Pandemic. Not a ton to say here but it felt wrong to leave it out. General Mills announced we are working from home until (at the earliest) 2021. It was quite odd quitting and starting a new job remotely. I miss hanging with bigger groups of friends, going on trips, going out with friends, etc. All I can say is we’ve been making the most of it, and for that I am thankful.

Collegeville and the once illusive PR’s. Collegeville has become a family – so many amazing people and memories. Many of my favorite memories have been with the team. Cross Country Nationals, Living History, Grandma’s, Summer of time trials, etc. PR’s since last blog: 14:52 5k, 31:00 10k, 1:08:41 HM, these are just numbers but to me they are hours and hours of long runs, bantering with the team, going the well in workouts, slogging the morning double, and enjoying every bit of the journey along the way.

Trips. The more trips I have gone on, the more I have found how 90% how a trip goes is based on the people. Now is the point where I would love to add a long list of things that went wrong on various trips but great times were still had due to the group, but honestly most of my trips have gone fabulously (thanks to the people, but also the places) and for the sake not writing a novel, I am going to lean into my strengths and let some of the photos below tell the stories.

Alex. Of course, saving the best for last. The story of how I met Alex is likely best not readily available on the internet, but meet her I did. I’m not able to say I was head over heels after the first date, or even the second. I believe all people fall in love in different ways and at different speeds. What I can say is after a month of knowing Alex, once I truly started to know her, my heart damn near left my chest. I NEEDED to tell someone. I called Ryan and the words couldn’t leave my mouth fast enough – I was (and still am!!) in love. Thankfully Ryan helped me not scare Alex away over the next couple months, and as they say the rest is history. Alex makes me laugh, understands my quirks, supports my trials, is unwaveringly kind, and so so beautiful. She is a dreamer. A hard worker, independent, passionate. A Queen of cards, thoughtful, and creative. Alex is my best friend, and I couldn’t be more excited about it.

Forward. It recently dawned on me that my future has never been so clear. And while it may seem like many of my big life pillars have been set (key word: seem), I think it is often the moments you can’t see coming that bring color to our lives. The rough outline may be shaped, but the detail that gets added is my favorite part. I don’t  know what the next four years will bring but I am sure it will have many life shaping moments and unexpected turns, but knowing who I am going to spend it with makes it seem like I can handle anything that may come my way. For now, I look forward to the road trips, crisp fall mornings, overly slow runs, coffee rides, late mornings, cozy snuggles, high fives, uncontrollable laughs, ice cream, closing down dance floors, mountain hikes, pancakes, each and every swim, and everything I don’t see coming.

[wonderwonderhowido]

Year-end meme time! I have been answering these questions once a year without fail since 2006. Maybe one of these years I’ll stop, but not for 2017.

Was 2017 a good year for you?

Yes! In February I decided I wanted to quit my job and go to Brazil for 3 months. I quit my job and moved away from NC in July, left for Brazil in August. I had a short-lived but intense romantic relationship from April-July. We drove across the country together. Brazil was really challenging but overall amazing. With the exception of a couple periods when life was too hectic, I kept up with my yoga habit. I think I made it a full 8 months without skipping a whole week actually? Maybe it was 6 months, I forget now, I just know that it was an important milestone for me at the time because I have never managed to keep up an exercise routine that long before. I spent more time at the ocean and by the pool than I have in most other years of my life. I lost some weight. I stayed relatively on top of my shit (bullet journaling really helped, when I was doing that), and stayed sane. I read a fuck ton of Harry/Draco and BTS fic. I took a lot of chances with people I had only just barely met. It has honestly been a pretty stellar year for me personally, the mounting sense of despair over the external world aside.

What was your favorite moment of the year?

Being in the ocean with kids climbing on top of me, demanding to be tossed into the waves.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?

Nothing actually stands out. I had some pretty low moments of crying over certain things in my life, but nothing I can talk about on the online, and besides since none of them were reacting to specific things they all sort of blend together in my memory anyway. I did cry whole buckets while leaving my goodbye party in NC and continued to cry when I got to my ex-BF’s house and then cried myself to sleep, but it feels sort of not right to call that a least favorite moment, just cathartic.

Where were you when 2017 began?

At the same new years’ party I was at when 2014, 2015, and 2016 began. That night was kind of a mixed bag for me, although I did get a new years’ kiss, which I will probably not be getting this year.  

Where will you be when 2017 ends?

One of my oldest friends in SLC is hosting a “polar plunge” at her house, so I’m going to do that. I probably will not be taking any kind of plunge myself but I can provide emotional support to those who shall.

Who will you be with when 2017 ends?

My friend Jennica and her husband. I have no idea who else, I don’t think I know most of their friends these days.  

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2017?

Looking at the half-assed resoluations I made…. Lmao, no I didn’t, but then my goals for the year changed rather drastically in February when I decided to upend everything, and I feel pretty good about how I followed through with all that stuff.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2018?

Have another list of resolution-ish intentions I have, I still would not call this list whole-assed but hey:

-complete a 30 day yoga challenge (I am on day 7 already, actually, so if I keep up with it I'll knock this one out before the end of January)

-don't let more than 4 days go by without going to yoga (other than when I'm traveling)

-don't let more than 2 days go by without writing (other than when I'm traveling)

-write original fiction at least three times a week, even if it's just like, scribbling down 100 words of a writing exercise (again, other than when traveling)

-read at least 25 books

-read at least 20 short stories

What was your relationship status? Did you break up with anyone?

I was in a relationship from roughly April-July, we broke it off before I left for Brazil. I dated other people in there, although no one for as long as I dated him.

How many one-night stands?

I think four? Idk depends on what you consider a one-night stand. And I made out with lots of different people, which was fun.

Did you make any new friends in 2017?

I made a lot of new friends in Brazil! I’ve made some new friends and reconnected with old friends through kpop. I seem to have made some new friends in SLC, which has been really nice.

What was your favorite month of 2017?

Probably September. April really ranks up there, too.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 30!!! I think on the day of I went to work, got taken out to lunch by my boyfriend, swam in my apartment’s pool, and started watching Boku No Hero Academia, also with the boyfriend. I had a small party for myself over the weekend, if memory serves. It was really nice, low key and happy, I really enjoyed turning 30 and have been very much enjoying my thirties since. I remember thinking that I was going to feel angsty and panicked about turning this number but that never really hit. It was mostly just good.

How many different places did you travel to in 2017?

Ashland, OR; Wilmington, NC; Charlotte, NC; from Carrboro, NC to SLC, with stops along the way in Birmingham, New Orleans, a town in Texas that I have forgotten the name of; in Brazil: Fortaleza, Taiba, Manaus, Tefe, Mamiraua Reserve, Monte Alegre do Sul, and Sao Paulo.

Did anybody close to you die in 2017?

No.

Did anybody close to you give birth?

Yes, K and E.

Did you miss anybody in the past year?

I missed my NC friends a lot after I moved away. I missed Brazil and my people there.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Other than public figures, no, not really.

What were your favorite movies that you saw in 2017?

Loving Vincent, Thor: Ragnarok and The Last Jedi.

What was your favorite song from 2017?

I have not done a great job of keeping track of which songs I’ve listened to the most this year, but: Silver Spoon/Baepsae by BTS; Nights by Frank Ocean; Soldados by Legiao Urbana; Don’t Take The Money by Bleachers; The Louvre by Lorde; Ultralight Beam by Kanye West; Young by The Chainsmokers.

Did you have a favorite concert in 2017?

Bleachers and MUNA in Charlotte! Also Chance The Rapper.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2017?

I feel like yes but I think I did less getting super drunk than in previous years.

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2017?

Not ‘a lot’ but I was not expecting this to be the year that recreational drugs came back into my life. So ‘a lot’ by my usual standards, I guess.

What kept you sane?

Yoga, walking, and journaling. This is a very boring and literal answer, sorry, but it’s true. I’m sorry to be one of Those People but exercise and mindfulness are the reasons I’m able to be off anti-depressants.

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Traveled to a foreign country by myself. Tried cocaine. Wrote fanfiction commissions. Taught english classes. Learned how to samba. Used a bullet journal. Did goat yoga. Interviewed a creator I admired. Went to a club by myself.

What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

-August 21, the day of the eclipse and the day I flew to Brazil.

-July 28-29, my last days in NC, the night one of my cats spent in the bathtub of a friend’s apartment, and the days I spent frantically moving out of my apartment.

-The Women’s March. Both because it was one of the very few times this year I felt politically empowered, and because that night I had a really fantastic tinder date with a woman who had also been at the march. This was only a couple days after I’d been dumped by the girl I was seeing, so I felt very spitefully pleased about the timing of it all.

-April 22. At my old job, we opened up a new public preserve, an event everyone in the org had been working to make happen for years. The event itself went extremely well and was super gratifying, and then that night was one of the early and really great dates with the guy I was dating.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quitting my job in a way I feel good about. Making Brazil happen. Moving out of my apartment. Sticking with yoga. Finishing my otayuri Spy AU. Writing all the fic that people commissioned me for, even though it took me forever and a day. Paying off my credit card post-brazil.

What was your biggest failure?

I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder to write and publish more nonfiction, even though I felt all this momentum in that direction after the McElroy piece I wrote in May. I am also disappointed in myself for losing steam on the novel I started in 2016. There are some conversations I wish I had had with important people in my life, that I always chickend out on having. There are some feelings I wish I had been able to leave behind, but couldn’t.

What was the best thing you bought?

Other than plane tickets, probably my chromebook. It does not feel real at all that I bought that in 2017, though. This year has been five years in one.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? happier

b) thinner or fatter? thinner

c) richer or poorer? poorer

How did you spend Christmas?

With my family in SLC, like I almost always do. We opened presents, my dad and I went to yoga, I read a lot of kpop fic, in the evening we went to a dinner party at my parents’ friends house and I ate a lot of really good food.

What was the best book you read?

If I manage to finish The Female Man today, I will have read 23 books this year, not counting the 6 Animorphs books I reread and the gazillions of BNHA manga chapters. That’s actually more than I thought I had read, and maybe I should make my books goal for 2018 a larger number, hm.

But anyway I think the best book of those was probably The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler or Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. I also loved Swing Time by Zadie Smith but I read that at the beginning of the year so it sort of feels like a lifetime ago.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Well for half of it I’ve been either living out of a backpack or in my pajamas almost 24/7. Also I got rid of most of my wardrobe. So I guess minimal?

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A new Carly Rae Jepsen album!!! And greater financial security, a home in a city I’m happy about living in.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing original fiction and freelance writing. Exercising more discipline in my writing life, in general. Mindfulness exercises when I was upset. Taking photos of people I wanted to remember.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sweet jesus do I wish I had spent less time mindlessly refreshing apps on my phone, particularly twitter. Also pointless angsting about personal relationships. Gone on less Tinder dates that I knew weren’t going anywhere.

What are your plans for 2018?

Going to Japan in May with @corvidyouths and @globsavethequeen!!! And getting a job in New York or LA or DC or, who knows, somewhere else that I haven’t though of yet.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Well, I don’t know how much of my year this actually sums up, but these lines have been rattling around my head more than anything else. From Nights by Frank Ocean:

I ain't trying to keep you Can't keep up a conversation Can't nobody reach you Why your eyes well up Did you call me from a seance You are from a past life

[tonal-modulator]

Meet the Character: Talvini

As with Milia, I’m going to be posting the questions I used to get to understand her under the cut.

Name?

Talvini

Nickname?

Tal

Class?

Sorcerer

Focus/role (e.g., magicka, stamina, tank, healer)?

Magicka

Race?

Dunmer

Age?

90s

Alliance?

Ebonheart Pact

How do they feel about/relate to their alliance?

It’s cool to be at peace with one’s neighbors.

Do they fight for their alliance in Cyrodiil? Why or why not?

Nah, she’s not really a front-lines type, and she’d rather be exploring and doing research anyway.

Are they more confident or nervous?

Nervous

Are they more outgoing or reserved?

Reserved

What are they like in their interactions with others (polite, rude, friendly, impatient, wary, distracted, etc.)?

Friendly but sort of distracted/contemplative.

Where did they grow up?

Sadrith Mora, Vvardenfell, Morrowind

Is that the homeland of their race? How does that affect them?

Yes, she pretty much grew up among Dunmer, mostly Telvanni.

How and why did they learn their primary skill set?

Tal is sort of a mage-tinkerer type. Growing up in a Telvanni hub, her basic education included a strong foundation in magic, and she found that it agreed with her, so she kept studying. She is particularly interested in How And Why Things Work, which shapes her approach to magic. It also led her to an interest in clockwork automata. She loves to go exploring Dwemer ruins, even if she had to add a fair bit of destruction magic to her repertoire in order to make the delves possible.

Do they have any family? What is their relationship like?

I’m not sure, honestly. Mostly she’s old enough that it’s not weird to not be living with her parents or whatever, and I don’t think she has a Tragic Backstory, but that’s about all I know right now.

Why are they an adventurer?

She was sort of an amateur adventurer before the whole Dying Incident, mostly searching through Dwemer ruins to find new stuff to study. Then, post-death, she sort of got thrown into it.

Do they have a (primary) home?

The Ald Velothi home is where she primarily lives.

Do they share it with others? Are their roommates also adventurers?

She and Mils are the ones who primarily live there; everyone else crashes there on occasion.

Do they like having somewhere to return to, or do they prefer to always be on the move?

She definitely likes the stability of having A Home. She may be an adventurer now, but she’s always been a mage/tinkerer/scholar/researcher, and she needs to have a space to work.

Do they know any of your other characters? How do they relate to them?

She and Mils are dating and also like best friends. I think she’s also pretty tight with Shas (my first ESO character, since Tal was my second, so they’ve known each other forever). And she gets along with everyone else; I think they’re all more or less friends.

Are they an active member of any guilds? How do they relate to their guilds and their guildmates?

Not really. She’s sort of part of the Mage’s Guild, but I think she sees it as a little casual and very Cyrodilic. She’s enjoying her studies with the Psijic Order, but she has no intention of devoting herself to the Old Ways.

Do they frequent the guild hall?

Nah, not really.

How do they feel about combat?

She’s gotten used to it. I think she approaches it in a kind of formulaic way to take out some of the anxiety (all of the parses on training dummies are canon).

How do they feel about stealing?

On one hand, she’s a Rule Follower and is afraid of Consequences, but on the other hand, she grew up in Telvanni territory, where the “rule” is basically that if you can get away with it, then it’s fine. So it’s kind of a cost-benefits thing.

How do they feel about murder (i.e., outside of combat)?

She’s obviously not a fan but I don’t think she’s entirely horrified by it. Another part of her Sadrith Mora background is that she probably assumes the murderer had a motive that they determined outweighed the consequences.

How do they feel about necromancy?

She’s opposed to it, and she doesn’t practice it herself, but she knows people who do, and she’s kind of just like, “Ehh do you I guess? But also if you ever reanimate me once I’m dead I will turn around and kill you and then we’ll see who’s a corpse. And if you mess with my ancestors while I’m alive you will find a Morag Tong writ out for you.“

Is it important to them to be powerful?

She definitely wants to be accomplished, which in magic terms is pretty similar to powerful. But she’s not really interested in like, combat prowess for its own sake, or political power, or anything like that. She just wants to be good at what she does.

(If they’ve played any of the main questline) How are they coping with having been killed?

It has shaken her a bit, but honestly she has always expected death to be around any corner, so if anything it’s cool that she lived through it.

Are they religious? What pantheon/practice, if any, do they follow?

Yes, she follows the Tribunal.

How do they relate to their religion and/or their gods?

She’s pretty loyal and gets very nervous any time she meets them, and shows them significant deference.

Is this the dominant religion where they grew up? If not, how did they come to it?

Yes, although she was among the more pious in her hometown. I think Seht’s teachings just resonated so well with her own studies that it was sort of natural for her.

If they worship multiple gods, do they have a patron or “main” god?

She primarily follows Sotha Sil, and his teachings inspire her work on building/breaking/rebuilding things.

How do they feel about the various deities/pantheons/practices in Tamriel other than their own?

Probably that sort of “sure, those spirits are nice, but are they really worth worshipping” thing, with a side of thinking it’s really cool that her gods are present, tangible, once-mortal mer who can directly understand and intervene in the life of the average Dunmer.

(If they’ve played any of the main questline) How do they feel about having to travel to and from Coldharbour?

Very nervous. She wishes she could at least talk to Sotha Sil about it first to a) get tips, and b) make sure it doesn’t look too presumptuous, since Seht is basically the only one allowed and qualified to go to Coldharbour with a plan to accomplish things.

What kind of mount do they prefer?

A guar, especially the tessellated guar.

What kind of pet do they prefer?

The prong-eared grimalkin.

Dunmer questions

How do they feel about the Great Houses (as a system, not necessarily each one individually)?

She’s never been all that politically involved, so I don’t think she cares all that much, other than to think that it’s a bit weirdly restricting.

Do they belong to a Great House? If so, which one?

It’s likely that her parents were members of House Telvanni, since they live(d?) there, and so she would be too, but I don’t think she’s a very active member.

Were they born into it, or did they choose to join?

Born into it

What is their rank in the House? (Or, more generally, are they a high-ranking member or more common-level?)

She may well be a reasonably high rank just from having studied under/with Telvanni wizards forever, but she definitely isn’t on the council or anything that would be competitive, because she doesn’t want that role and she doesn’t want to attract the (negative) attention of anyone who wants it more.

How do they feel about the other Houses?

Not much of anything. I don’t think she pays enough attention to have strong feelings on any particular House.

How do they feel about Ashlanders?

I don’t think she gets them, and I think she has some minor misgivings about why they would worship the Daedra when the Tribunal exist. But she tries to overlook any prejudice or anything when interacting with them.

If they grew up in Morrowind, how do they feel about outlanders?

She’s cool with them, but also having grown up in Sadrith Mora, she probably has some deep-seated subtle stereotypes/racism that she is trying to unlearn.

If they have interacted with any of the Tribunal, how do they feel about it?

Super nervous and privileged and amazed.

How do they regard them when interacting directly (e.g., with awe, respect, disdain)?

She’ll always bow or kneel when approaching them (though she has no idea that it makes Sotha Sil in particular uncomfortable). Basically, tons of respect.