#forcing myself to write a couple drafts but soon i will be

[mvnces]

kai getting into tm.a but specifically liking breekon & hope was apparently all it took for me to develop the rot again...

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Therian/Otherkin (Entry 10)

It has been a little while. There are a couple of draft journal entries I've written bits and pieces of here and there that I haven't quite had the energy to write out. 

The big thing I've been busy with is that school has started up again. It's my first semester back since discovering my therianthropy, so that's been interesting. 

On one paw, I feel like my brain has subconsciously been trying harder to block out my nonhuman urges because I'm back in situations where I have to regularly interact with people. For years my brain has just tried to block out any sign that I'm nonhuman to try and fit in better, and it's like it's coming back in full force whether I want to or not. It's like... Masking + dissociation, and it's not really pleasant. 

On the opposite paw, I have felt more out of place than ever being surrounded by so many humans. There have been days where now that I'm aware of what the feeling is, the species dysphoria has been really difficult to deal with. More than ever I've found myself wishing that I could be wearing a collar and a tail at least, something to help soothe these feelings, but even if I owned a collar I don't know that I'd be brave enough to want it around campus. 

Regardless, I've been a good Umbreon and am doing my best to do well in my classes and such. 

As a side note, I did attend othercon this year, and I intend to write a little bit more about that experience later. However, one of the biggest things I gained from that experience is that I feel a lot more comfortable identifying myself as a therian now. Fictherian, sure, but also just existing under the therian umbrella. It feels very correct for me. So I'll probably update the title of these journals to reflect that. 

There's more I could write, but I think I've gotten the most important parts down and don't want to make this too long. I'll hopefully make another entry soon.

Take care, nonhuman friends. 

- Bre

[moonfeatherblue]

Now I've done it. I've created a project that forces me both to write a new novel AND start live streaming, all in one fell swoop.

Have you ever wanted to watch someone write a novel live? The drama, the tears, the absolute collapse (and hopeful eventual rebirth) of a fellow being's soul as they strive to create sagas from silence and worlds from dust?

Now you can!

Assuming I don't back out at the last minute.

Fully expecting to enter a disconnected state of unadulterated panic very soon.

I have no idea if I can do this. I had meant to gradually get comfortable with writing live - first editing pre-written shorts, then writing shorts I already have extensive plans for, and so on. Look who decided to launch herself straight into the deep end on a virtual whim.

Please note, I am NOT expecting (or realistically aiming) to finish the novel or even reach 50,000 words. It would be a lovely achievement, but my current situation makes reaching that number exceptionally unlikely, and I don't want to stress myself out more and more by setting unachievable goals and invariably finding myself unable to meet them.

It would be lovely to see you there! The first 10 days leading up to NaNoWriMo will be spent on novel prep, and as soon as 1 November hits, it's full steam ahead!

Hooray...?

I will be streaming live on my YouTube channel EVERY DAY starting 22 October until the end of November! After that, I'll probably have to reassess my schedule a little bit. Something about this screams "unsustainable". Once NaNoWriMo is complete, I'll continue to write the novel while streaming, hopefully having a writing stream or two a week. Might take a couple of months to finish. Desperately hoping no more than that...

I'm already looking forward to marveling at that complete first draft! That's reasonably motivating... it doesn't quite cancel out the terror, though.

(Image description: An invite to Blue Mooney's first live stream. A rip unevenly divides the invite. One side reads: "You are cordially invited to join Blue Mooney for her National Novel Writing Month adventure: 50,000 words in 30 days. The journey begins... 22 October 2023, 0630 EST/1030 UTC/2130 AEDT." The background is pale blue and decorated with sparkles and corner stripes in pink and dark blue. The bottom of the invite features a picture of an open book with a quill poised to write. On either side are pink squiggly lines. On the other side of the invite divide is an image of Blue Mooney by @Nura0101233. The image features a large-eyed version of Blue Mooney brandishing her quill, ready to write, as a book hovers just above her other hand. She wears her customary vest/jacket and skirt combo in grey and blue, white blouse, pink tie, and grey cap with two silver feathers. Her long blonde hair blows with magical motion and power flows from her quill as blue and pink ink.)

[dashofmonsters]

I'm trying & Writing Update

These last couple of weeks have been a nightmare~

I am drained but I'm still trying to get back into writing. I'm currently going back through all of my notes online and putting them in proper notebooks for editing.

Yesterday I was supposed to work on an update but my son is having separation anxiety so I hung out with him instead.

I do plan on having the next Dreamers & Delusions part updated either this weekend or next Friday. I'm like halfway through it before I go back and do a light read to edit it.

I'm also hoping to get back into working on my novel, I had to shelf the project due to some medical and mental health reasons and now that I'm ebbing back into writing I'm hoping to jump back into it soon.

I've also made a difficult decision and will be shelfing Night Classes for a heavy editing of what I have so far. I like the concept I brought forth with it but parts of it feel very forced on my end. I don't think I was in a good place when I started writing it to be quite honest. I don't want to force the story any further without having a better grip on the world and characters.

Also once I am done with Dreamers & Delusions and have the first draft of my story done I plan to get right back into Masks. There will also be some editing before I start back up again and reformatting of my notes for the story as I have unfortunately lost my original notes during one of my moves.

I'll be taking things slow for the time being as I'm still healing from home and work stress. Things are somewhat mellowing out but I don't think that I'll be able to set myself onto a better schedule until my son's at least 2 or 3 XD

[seeingteacupsindragons]

Brains are especially prone to bullying us in this darkest week of the year that also has the most pressure on it to be HaPPy and MaGiCAl. I'm sorry you're having a rough week!

Couple asks: do you do New Year's resolutions or set goals or anything like that? If so, any you're willing to share?

Second, we've talked a lot about pantsing vs outlining etc. This is semi-related I guess. I seem to have backed myself into a corner where I have a very specific scene I want to write, but that doesn't seem to be where the story wants to go, so everything I try to do to get there feels forced and dry. Do you think I need to drop the planned scene entirely to get my flow back? Is there some magic trick to get my brain to cooperate with me daring to plan something for once? 😅

Work has been a bear and hormones are currently out of whack, so it's not like it's surprising and honestly could be a lot worse, but I'm just so tired and grumpy and feeling underappreciated. I'm going to go take a nap soon.

One:

Yes, I do set New Year's Resolutions, sort of, but I haven't actually made most of them in a few years. They're typically writing-goal oriented, and I'm not generally very married to them. But they're goals. Things like getting back in querying (missed it again, thanks concussion), finishing drafts, starting new things. I think this year it's going to be finding a new CP, getting Tiadane's book out the door, and finishing at least one draft of Avel's.

Two:

I have a number of times had to drop plot lines I liked the idea of or scenes because they just never fit into the story or I never had time for them (in the story line). I suspect this will always happen, and it's a little sad, but sometimes it's just better for that particular story.

But there are ways around it:

Write it anyway, and if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. You still have that scene you love.

Plan the damn story around the things you want most to include, and therefore that scene you want to do (this can be hard because you can do that and then sometimes the story warps and it's weird anyway).

Write a new story to stick The Thing in. Very popular choice.

Sometimes also talking through the problem and articulating why the story is veering in a different direction from that scene can be helpful (even if only talking to yourself).

For example, that I'm just making up on the spot here:

The Scene: A very dramatic reunion between Protag and Love Interest set in Protag's home after a year apart, and one of them is wounded and dripping wet from the rain and there's a couple lines you really like about what they meant and why they left and why they couldn't return sooner and the other getting down on their knees to beg for forgiveness or whatever the hell.

Why would the story not want to go there? It's great, right?

Except maybe the dramatic confession words you imagined don't quite work with other ways you've described the feelings so it doesn't seem like a way to sum it up

Maybe the location is wrong, because Protag's home has become a source of too much safety and it seems wrong to have a dramatic confrontation there, or the layout you made for it doesn't match your Cinematic Daydream.

Wait, why are they going to someone they haven't seen in a year wounded they have other options and they're not actually the type of person to do that despite how cool it looked in your head.

And then once you kind of narrow down the specific sort of direction the story is building to and the specific location the Scene That Doesn't Fit is in, you can see if one or the other can shift towards the other so they can meet together, or if it's just irreconcilable, or you have to pick which elements are most important and how you can repurpose them.

I don't know if this is helpful. Maybe? Lemme know, I guess.

[tragicbackstoryenjoyer]

This or That

tagged by the lovely @queenslayerbee :)

Historical or Futuristic?

DEFINITELY historical. Nearly all my WIPs are heavily inspired by historical events, if not directly set in them.

Opening or Closing Chapter?

Both can be great, but I'll say opening chapter for now, since the best of them can do a wonderful job hooking you into a wider story.

Light and Fluffy or Dark and Gritty?

Dark and gritty all the way. Just look at my URL. I'm not a huge fan of the little grimdark I've read, but I'll take it over a sugar-sweet rom-com or slice of life almost any day (no shade against rom-coms or slice of life stories, there are some I like, they're just not my favorite.)

Hard or Soft Magic System?

Hm, depends on the story. Hard magic systems can be incredibly fun, but I tend to prefer stories where magic is a bit rarer and thus more mysterious. So soft magic system it is, but that's an opinion easily subject to change.

Stand-Alone or Series?

Stand-alones, probably. There are just too many series out there that feel disjointed and easily could have been a much stronger stand-alone. I think the challenges that stand-alones present force authors to write more concise and fulfilling plots. That said, I do want to dip my toes into writing a series some day. I have a couple of ideas in that realm 👀 

One Project at a Time or Always Juggling 2+?

I'm definitely more of a WIP monogamist myself. I worked on Blood of Gods and nothing else for over two years. However, now that I've moved towards the more nitty-gritty phase of editing, I've found that having another project to draft balances out well. But I don't think I could do more than what I'm doing at the moment.

One Award Winner or One Bestseller?

One bestseller, though I'm not the proudest to admit that. What can I say, money is nice.

Fantasy or Sci-Fi?

Fantasy for sure. Sci-fi's great to read/watch, but I don't plan on writing it any time soon.

Character or Setting Description?

Deeeefinitely character description. Both as a reader and a writer, I'm far more interested in a character's complexities than what their environment looks like. That said, both are very important and it would be hard to write a good book without setting description.

First or Final Draft?

Uh, well, considering I've never made it to a final draft yet, I'm not sure I can give a good answer here.

Love Triangle in Everything or No Romantic Arcs?

This question feels worded like both are bad things, but I actually love both. More books starring women need to have less, or zero, focus on romance, and I hope to write something like that sometime soon.

I feel the need to defend my affection for love triangles, as until recently that wasn't the case. The love triangles we hate are the ones included for cheap drama, but there's so much more than that. One great trope is when the love triangle exists to highlight a choice between idealogies, like Peeta/Katniss/Gale in The Hunger Games. Another great version of the love triangle (and my favorite rendition of the trope) is when everyone involved is a little bit polyamorous and bisexual and in love with each other, but due to circumstance all of them ending up happily together is impossible. (My favorite examples of this are Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot from The Once and Future King and Ammar/Jehan/Rodrigo from The Lions of Al-Rassan.)

So... considering how much I've rambled on about them, I guess I'm going with love triangle in everything.

Constant Sandstorm or Rainstorm?

Rainstorm.

Tagging

@jacquesfindswritingandadvice @muddshadow @oh-no-another-idea @thepixiediaries @lockejhaven and anyone else who wants to answer.

[awylde]

What is your writing& focus process like?

Do you do anything different if you want to write/create a certain type/style of word? (for example slam poetry)

I write in a couple of ways:

I am struck with inspiration or deeply moved by an experience and I sit down as soon as possible afterwards to write a poem OR

I sit down with the intention of writing a poem with no idea what will come out and I do not edit or judge as I go

I tend to not read over my work immediately after writing it, I like to let it marinate for a day or so and come back with fresh eyes. I also never force myself to finish a poem that has not resolved itself yet. My drafts folder is full of half-poems, and I do regularly return to them in the future when the endings have become more clear.

For me, the flow of a poem when spoken is something I care about a lot, I almost hear the poem in my head as I write it, and when I edit I certainly make specific choices for the way it feels to the ear.

I'd say the only difference I think is worth mentioning when writing specifically TO perform orally is a length consideration. Since most slams have a 3-minute length, it dictates where a poem can wind before it finds it's way home.

[amtrak12]

I crossposted the Elemental Writer Asks to my Lucifer Twitter so this question is from over there.

Summer: How do you know when you need a break from writing?

THIS IS SUCH A GOOD QUESTION! Because it can be hard to tell the difference between needing a break and just needing to push through with a bunch of crappy writing to get through a block.

So, I guess to start, here are some reasons I, personally, might need a break from writing.

I'm sleepy

I'm distracted by a different fixation

My day job has been too demanding/busy/etc

Other real life stuff is going on

I've been writing too much

Now with outside stress, it is what it is. I either write what I can or I just let myself relax with video games or a TV marathon or whatever. And being sleepy only really has one solution too: go to bed lol

For being distracted: Unless I have an external deadline (like I signed up for a fic exchange), I just give into the distraction now. Sure, go play Sims for a couple of days because I can't stop thinking about raising horses. Yeah burn through the entire Shadow and Bone series in a week. It's fine. Even if I don't need a break from writing at that moment, the break is still a good mental refresh.

And now for the difficult-to-define problem of 'writing too much'. What is too much and how can you tell if you're at that limit?

For me, too much is anything at NanoWrimo pace (1667 words/day or 50,000 words in 30 days) or greater. That's total writing, not just how many words I publish. Now, I can handle 20-40k words per month for months on end with the occasional 50k spike. But that's only after writing the same WIP for a year and a half which has given me a lot of practice at writing consistently.

Factors that will decrease how much I writing I can do:

Editing

Brainstorming new story ideas

Free-writing and basic rough drafts are the easiest and fastest things for me to write because quality doesn't matter. But generating new ideas or editing existing writing both take a lot more brain power. At any point in time, I'm doing a mix of brainstorming, drafting, and editing. But I'm (slowly) learning I need to pay attention to which I'm doing more of in any given week, because that will influence how soon I'll need a break.

This week, for example, I posted a new Can We Keep Her chapter last Friday and a one shot on Monday. I've also written and submitted 3 drabbles for a fic exchange that won't get revealed until this coming weekend. Now, I've gotten better this year about forcing myself to take a day off of writing when I publish a new WIP chapter. Partly to celebrate and partly because I've learned I WILL burnout if I immediately jump into the next chapter. This WIP is monstrously long, and no amount of 'pushing it' is going to get it done faster.

But I definitely haven't been taking breaks after my shorter one-shots. 😬 And here I am on Thursday when I've scheduled myself to resume Chapter 20's draft and I just… don't want to. I'm feeling super unmotivated today even though I know exactly what I need to write. I thought I was disappointed by getting no comments on my one-shot -- and I am, sure -- but uh… after typing all of this out, I'm going to guess that I've expended more brain power writing and editing those drabbles than I thought. And that uh, maybe just maybe, I might need to spend tonight reading or playing video games instead of writing.

LOL I have no idea why that wasn't clear to me before. I just published FIVE different fics in a week. Seems pretty obvious that I should take a break 😜

So, I guess my advice for how to tell if you also need a break or are simply stuck on a writing problem that you need to push through:

Take note of how much you've written lately (this week/this month)

Compare that to how much you typically write in the same time period

Remember what else is going on in your life that's been demanding your energy.

If your response to any of those categories equals A Lot, you probably need a break from writing. Find the method that refreshes you, and go do that instead for a day or two (or longer, even) 💜 My favorites are fiber crafts, scripted television, and reading.

[disembowel-me]

i wish I wrote notes on my drafts about where I was going with it, because I have a bunch that are wonderful and I'd love to continue writing, but.... I have literally no recollection of what exactly I was leading to

example: this very hot scene of being dereks stay at home pet, but this is all I have. what was the reward?! what was he planning to do?! I dont know! Why didn't I write it down!!

-

You’re drowning.

It’s like being underwater in a pool. It’s like walking up a hill with a stuffy nose. You can’t breath fast enough to get enough air. 

For one blissful moment, you’re floating in nothing.

Then Derek’s voice cuts through the haze and shatters the spell. All of the pain slams you back into reality.

“Fuck… you look so fucking cute.” 

You can’t breathe. You are drowning, sort of.  Drowning in your own snot and drool and tears; choking on your own swollen sinuses and the thick, salty shaft that’s plunged deep down  inside your throat.

“Hey… Are you there?” He slaps your cheek a couple times. “You alive?”

Slowly, you gurgle and your eyes roll back down into place. All you can see is his vague silhouette through everything gumming up your eyes and you can’t focus your gaze at all, but he seems satisfied by your effort. 

“Haha, aww… Are you struggling? He slaps your face once more; you’re not sure if it's gentler this time or just more playful. “I’ll tell you what-” 

He withdraws from your throat just enough to allow you time to swallow the flood of fluids and suck in a tiny breath, forcing it through the layers of mucus blocking your airway. He wraps both palms around the base of your neck in a suspiciously supportive but gentle way, then nudges his hips toward you and drives his cock back down your throat. You instantly gag and convulse but luckily, thankfully, nothing comes up. 

“If you keep being good like this, and I mean, really good,” he licks his lips, staring down at you with a soft, sick little smile, “I’ll give you a reward. Would you like that? Would that help?”

A reward…?

It’s a trick. It must be. There’s no way. There must be a ‘but’, a catch. He must be playing a game with you that you didn’t know you were playing and don’t know the rules to.

But what other choice do you have? Refuse his offer? No way.

You blink rapidly, trying to clear your eyes and ever-so-slightly nod your head, as much as you can while being speared on him. 

“Good…” He murmurs, smiling. “But you have to be really good, ok? I need you to do your best.”

You try to nod again. Your eyes roll into the back of your head again as the rock-hard head of his cock digs into the soft tissue in your soft palate and throat. It cuts off your airway and you’re left breathless once again. The next thrust brings a spike of pain through your jaw and the sickly bite of bile jumping up from your stomach. You can’t breathe. Everything is tight and painful. All you can feel is the pressure jackhammering into your skull. His thrusts grow faster and erratic; your jaw starts to cramp;

You hope he’ll come soon, but he keeps going. Your tongue and lips go numb from the friction. Everything starts to seem far away, fading away

-

Its very possible I didn't know at the time I started writing this either and was just hoping I'd figure it out, but why didn't I leave myself a note saying that either?! Why, me why?!

[what-dat-ritalin-do]

#1 (Originally Recorded 8th November, 2003)

Wednesday, 8th Nov 2023.

9:35 AM

Psychiatric help is expensive

I went for my first psychiatry session today. I was about an hour long and it was mostly evaluative. Dr. J said I might have Asperger's as well (as ADHD). After taking into account Ayd's diagnosed mild autism and Gold's very possible autism, he said I have some mild traits, but not enough for a full-blown diagnosis. Either I've gotten a little better at condensing my Life Story™  or he's just really good at knowing what to ask. Probably the latter.

He set me up with Ritalin

3 x 10 mg tablets

Taken every morning with or after breakfast

For 1 month

He said I might experience some heart palpitations and suppressed appetite, so I'm going to eat a bit before I try it. He also said that it may be addictive. So I'll take it with precaution. He did say he hasn't had any problems yet, though.

He also suggested I let S know we should start doing full CBT in our sessions.

5:43 PM

Because the session was at 8 AM, I'm very hungry, but the food at the place I'm in isn't too nutritionally balanced. So I'll eat enough to stay satisfied, then do some groceries. I'll have a balanced meal at home, and then try it. I will update then.

It has been approximately 3 hours and 25 minutes since I took my first dose of Ritalin.

I went on a grocery store run after my last entry and only reached home in the afternoon. I had lunch consisting of the following:

Rice

Fried chicken

Sambal

Cucumbers

Fried tofu

Fried tempeh

Peanut sauce

Chocolate cake ball

Not the most well-balanced meal, but at least it covers all the bases. I took the medication with water

10 mg Ritalin x 3

The medication started to effect about 5 minutes after taking it. As expected, I was told it would be fast. For about 10 minutes, I felt an intense uptick in blood circulation. I could feel blood circulating in my veins. I could hear blood pumping in my head. It was like getting stuck in an ocean current, swept away by a strong, uncontrollable force.

And all of a sudden, it was quiet.

I can hear the blood in my body

And the "current" came back. And the chest pains started. For the next couple of hours, I experienced, consistently, waves of an intense rush of blood flow followed by an equally brief period of complete lucid control. I will describe the states:

A. "Current"/Flurry State

My hands shake involuntarily

Periodic chest pains (ranging from slight to sharp)

Sharp back pain

Occasionally lose focus in vision

Instability (difficulty getting up), loss of balance

Dizzyness

B. Clear State

Enhanced ability to make decisions.

-> I am not frozen/caught in between wanting to do two things at once. I just pick one thing and do it. I clear things (eg: Rubbish) immediately. I don't need to "reason with myself".

Mental clarity to accept some of my tasks are not feasible.

-> Related to 1(B), I can quickly evaluate the tasks I want to completely and choose which one is easiest to complete. Immediate execution.

It is now 6:46 PM. According to Dr. J, the effects of the medication should be wearing off. He said they would last for about 4 hours. I can feel myself coming down from the rush. I can feel a low, restless hum rising but I think it will pass soon. I will return tomorrow with another log.

My thoughts get faster. I am able to structure my thoughts more easily to the point where I could visualize myself presenting them to an audience. I have not felt this way in years.

-> I spent a whole hour documenting my experience and detailing my mental health journey to my friends in our group chat. For once, it was easy to structure my words. I didn't have to draft them out in my Notes app first to make sure it made sense. My messages were coherent as I was typing them out.

-> It felt like my thoughts moved faster than my body. My handwriting feels messier, more rushed. I'm writing like I'm afraid my thoughts will fly away if I don't capture them right now. Even when trying to speak my thoughts, it feels like my mouth can't enunciate the amount of words that want to come out at the speed I want it to. My breath can't keep up with my phrasing.

[fasa-umich]

Amanda Sutherby, FASA's 2022 - 2023 Co-President

Okay, let's do this one last time, yeah? For real this time. This is it. My name is Amanda. I was bitten by a radioactive spider. And for like 364 days (I counted), I've been one of FASA’s Co-presidents. I’m pretty sure you know the rest…a couple mass meetings, a few FAM/Lineage reveals, Halo-Haloween, Couzens MPR, CHAMPAIGN ILLINOIS, October burnout, PCN, BOTB, and so much more.

No, but in all seriousness, I can’t believe I am writing my second, and last, FASA e-board testimonial. If you asked me last year if I saw myself as one of FASA’s Co-presidents, the answer would be absolutely not. Even before election season, my roommates and I would sit and contemplate who we thought would be in each executive board position. Not once during this “fantasy e-board” (Caldito, 2023) did I draft myself as president. If anything I thought I was more suited as a secretary. But somewhere along the way, I gained a different perspective. I took a minute for myself and thought about the direction I wanted FASA to head in. After I had that in my mind, I asked myself if it was possible to implement these changes outside the presidential position. Would I be able to accomplish the things I wanted without the resources that came with being co-president? And I think we can all guess what conclusion I came to.

Now officially, being a FASA co-president involves overseeing and delegating the rest of the FASA executive board. Overall, it’s their responsibility to ensure that FASA is upholding its three pillars of community, culture, and outreach. Unofficially, being a FASA co-president was the most challenging and rewarding thing I have ever done. There were times when I felt like I was a friend, a mom, a therapist, or generally just someone trying to put out fires where I could. But if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Even during the most exhausting and frustrating moments in the position, I was so grateful to have these experiences. 

As my time as a co-social chair came to an end, I knew I wasn’t ready to leave the e-board. I believed that I still had growth inside the organization that I wanted to achieve. Essentially, I had so much left to give to FASA, and I wasn’t quite ready to let it go. I am ready now. It’s bittersweet saying goodbye and stepping down. But I leave knowing that I have learned so much by being a leader in FASA. I have become confident, not only in myself but in my cultural identity. And that is thanks to my time both on board and in FASA.

Coming into college, I was so disconnected from my cultural identity. I grew up knowing virtually nothing about Philippine culture. No one ever talked about the Philippines around me growing up. And besides the occasional lumpia or adobo, Filipino food was not made in my house. I was never given the chance to learn what being Filipino meant. So, even though my cousin (Samuel Dennis Baine) was encouraging me to join FASA as soon as I got accepted into Umich, I planned not to. In fact, I even remember telling my mom that I wouldn't fit in because I wasn’t “Filipino” enough. Luckily, Sam didn’t take no for an answer and he all but forced me to FASA’s welcome weekend. And I am forever grateful that he did. By making me come to welcome weekend he set off this crazy chain reaction that led me from general member to FASA intern to social chair to one of FASA’s co-presidents. 

To Board, first of all, I am so incredibly proud of each and every one of you. I don’t think any of you hear it enough, but you all have done such amazing work. Honestly, you all were half the reason I wanted to run for president to begin with. I wanted to be there to watch every single one of you grow into your positions. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ambitious or creative board. 

Justine, remember when I compared you to a blizzard? Well, I still double down on that. You are truly a force of nature. You are diligent, kind, and a true girlboss always. 

Sophie, You have the ability to make anyone feel welcome and laugh for no less than ten minutes straight (to this day I am still laughing about the thumb joke you told me).  

Alyssa, your passion and drive for not just FASA and its members, but towards the history and culture of the Philippines is truly an inspiration.  

JC, you always account for every aspect and person on board, making sure nothing and no one goes unnoticed or is left behind (also thank you so much for always giving me a ride home after my shifts at the hospital). 

Angeli, I loved watching you grow this year. You are so creative in many ways that I can’t wrap my head around it. I am in awe of everything you have accomplished, and I can’t wait to see what else you do.

Andrew, your love for FASA is so evident in everything you do. The initiative and ability you have at reaching out to people and making them feel heard is not something everyone can do (also lowkey I will miss bringing snacks for you during our board meetings). 

Kyle, you are so genuine and kind. At every board meeting, I could count on you for a smile. I will truly miss working with you.

Ashley, you are incredible. You are kind, driven, smart, and beautiful. You have approached the external chair with such professionalism that I believe people can learn from you.

Mikey, you are probably one of the hardest workers I know. The drive with which you approached External Chairs this year truly changed the position for the better. Thank you for setting such a great precedent. 

Caitlin, you inspire me every day with your kindness and ambition. The way you have balanced performance duties and nursing is crazy to me. Every decision you make is always done with someone in mind. You make sure everyone feels included.

Bryson, the dedication you have for FASA is amazing. You truly give 110% not just in your position and performance, but in all things FASA related. I have loved watching you grow into the leader you are today.

Christian, I am so thankful that we convinced you to run for the board. Having you has been such a great asset. You never falter in lending a helping hand to anyone. Your generosity and warm personality makes you a great friend and board member.

Emily, the work you have put into FASA is indescribable. You were quite literally doing the work of two people AND you were doing it with such a positive attitude. You are genuinely such an amazing individual and I am so grateful to have been given the chance to work with you.

Together, as a board, we hit the ground running from the very start to make our version of FASA You have all gone above and beyond my expectations, and have accomplished more than I ever thought possible. Yes, we had our ups and downs. But what family doesn’t? I just want to let you know that I am so thankful to have worked with you all <3

To Celeste, the love and care you have for this organization is undeniable. Your passion for FASA and Philippine culture was always so evident to me. You inspire me with how intentional you are in your relationships. You never fail at checking in on those around you and making sure they are doing well. I never got to truly thank you enough for stepping up and helping me when I was going through a hard time in November. You made sure I wasn’t getting overwhelmed by FASA tasks and were always there to lend help. I am so thankful that you and I were cos together. I want you to know that I am proud of the person you have grown into over this year. Thank you for all the laughs, memories, and late-night emergency meetings - xoxo

To Emily and Michelle, you both deserve such a big shoutout. You have been my support system since day one. I love being able to talk to you both about my day, board, FASA, literally anything. I can always count on you to have my back through anything. You have both helped me in more ways than I can describe, and I want you both to know you are some of the most important people in my life. Emily, your mindfulness and reflectiveness has been such a blessing to me. You are constantly teaching me new ideas and ways of thinking. And I think out of everyone, you have helped ground me the most. Michelle, there has not been one instance where I have not felt loved and welcomed by you. You are the embodiment of a ray of sunshine. I want you to know that you are such a big source of happiness in my life and always will be. I love you both beyond words. Thank you for helping me grow into the person I am today.

To Alyssa and Bryson, I am so excited for you both to be the next FASA co-presidents! The FASA I entered my freshman year is not the same one Celeste and I are handing off to you. The organization as a whole is constantly evolving and growing. But I want you both to know that I believe you are the best two individuals to help lead FASA through this growth. I am confident that you both will create a supportive environment that allows the board and FASA to grow to their fullest potential. I know FASA is in great hands, and I am confident in both of you. You are going to love watching your board members learn the ins and outs of their positions. You are also going to be equally in awe and in fear of their ambitious ideas. Don't be afraid to ground their ideas when necessary. Remember to take care of yourselves and look out for one another. The position isn’t easy but support from both of you and the rest of your board will make it worth it. Please reach out if you need anything at all. I am truly so happy for both of you. Good luck next year!

To FASA, thank you for being the community I needed when I entered college. You paved the way for me to educate myself about Philippine culture through workshops, services, and events. You taught me more languages, histories, and traditions than I ever knew existed. For the first time, I feel connected to my cultural identity, and that is thanks to you. You also made it possible to meet some of my closest friends. So thank you so much for all of that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully articulate how grateful for the effect you have had on me. Just know that it has helped me more than you will ever know. 

FASA I have loved working with you for the past two and half years, but I am officially ready to retire! 

Maraming Salamat - Amanda Sutherby <3

[lilalbatross]

5, 10, 15, 16, 19, 27, 29, 30 for the ao3 ask meme <33

oh boy okay here we go

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

definitely Anything for you, my Shoresy fic. teeny tiny fandom for a weird niche canadian hockey comedy, but the response i got was really lovely and it's somehow in my top 5 for kudos, comments, and bookmarks. that was the first thing i posted after a couple brutal months for mental health and writers block, so those comments and stuff are really special to me

and then a special mention to chapters 6 and 7 of Austin Alone because people came fucking flying out of the woodwork to scream at us within the first couple hours of posting lmao i don't think i'll ever see anything like that ever again

10. What work was the quickest to write?

oh hands down it's What the fuck is with the spatula?, which i wrote in a single 4ish-hour sitting and a lot of that time was spent rewatching the Are You The One? ep they're watching so i could get the sequence of events right lmao. look, i just have a lot of feelings about drunk idiots brute forcing their way through complex probability with a spatula, and i needed to project that onto my otp

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

dragging the carcasses of so many half-written fics, but trying to actively work on Acesodyne, which is a billy x owen post-1x07 multichap canon divergence about injury and music and grief and healing and i’m trying not to let it spiral out of control and it may not ever get posted even if i do finish it but hey we’ll give it a shot.

also determined to actually finish Downpour, which literally started as just “i bet if they stood in the rain Billy’s hair would get in his face and it would be cute and Owen would kiss him about it” and somehow turned into a bit of a trauma and body worship thing??? idk don’t ask me i don’t have any answers but i do have a 2.5k partial draft that i should put some hours into

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

lol it's "Established Relationship" from all my billy x owen oneshots where they're together at the start and i'm not giving you all the fucking backstory for how that happened, just jump in and we're off.

(...but also you and i know that the "how that happened" is usually Austin Alone if people know what details to look for lmao)

19. What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?

i don’t see myself drifting away from billy x owen any time soon, so definitely gonna keep thinking about those bastards more than literally anybody else in this fandom (except you lol). i also want to do more Shoresy/Goody. i wrote the one oneshot, but i have a multichap outline that needs some massaging and i think could be interesting. and i get to slam more canadiana into fic, which i really can’t do when all my other shit takes place in texas lmao

and then i’m sure i’ll get surprised by a pairing and end up spitting out something isn’t even on my radar yet. who knows, maybe i’ll finally find a Ted Lasso pairing that i want to write about. Colin and...[insert name here idk we’ll see but if i write about anyone it’ll probably be Colin]

27. What do you listen to while writing?

*gestures vaguely at my entire spotify wrapped* no but seriously. depends on the fic but i’ll generally have a playlist, album, or even song that i loop for each fic. sitting there long after midnight had a very angsty playlist. touch the sky and bite the asphalt was Maneskin’s album Teatro d’ira hence the fic title. i’m pretty sure with a gift for burning was Let Me Drown by Orville Peck. Acesodyne’s playlist is heavier on acoustic guitar/pop-punk because it’s a lot of songs that i know how to play on guitar so i can connect a physicality to what i’m trying to write

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

gonna resist every bone in my body that wants to be self-deprecating and couch this with all the weaknesses i see etc etc. big fan of this paragraph from with a gift for burning:

So many voices he wants to hear tonight. Numbers he knows by heart, burned into his muscle memory and connected to nothing. Harkes’ line had stayed in service the longest. Nobody canceled his contract, and it rang to voicemail for months before the unpaid bills piled up and his line was cut off. Billy called, again and again on bad nights, until his mouth shaped the words in time with Harkes’ rhythm. “Yo, it’s Jake. Leave a message if you want, but you should have just texted.” The last time he called, a confused teenage girl picked up and Billy threw his phone against the wall.

I was a little drunk when i wrote it, and then when i reread it i immediately had a moment of “oh :(” and then i knew i was onto some shit and it helped me break the direction the rest of the fic was gonna go lol

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

I did not expect my stuff to steer so hard into angst quite as much as it does???

but also in some ways biggest surprise was just that i...can... (don’t look at me)

send me ao3 wrapped questions if you want

[tyunni]

Oo I get that, I tend to wake up a couple times. I'm also a werid sleeper where if anything changes around me I will wake up. I have woken up a couple times because a poster fell or one of our pets left my room or stuff like that or just random stuff like that. I hope your break is good to you! And I hope you can relax soon! Begin burnt out is no fun! Oo I get that! It was around 35°f (around 1°c) here on Sunday and I work in a pool (its indoors) but getting out if it and changing always leaves me cold so I was not excited to be in the cold. Plus sometimes the pool is cold too. Other than that it has been around the 40s °f and 50s°f (around 4°c to 10°c) but I hope you and your family are able to stay warm!! Is there anything you wanna do today? Oh! Do you have a favorite song right now?

OH YEAH I TOTALLY GET THAT light sleeper problems I swear.... like I used to be a light sleeper then it kinda changed after a while and now I tend to wake up if I'm like stressed over school or smth and it just wont let me relax and sleep well. I HOPE UR BREAK IS GOOD TO U TOO <3333333 U WORK IN A POOL!??!?!?! that's actually so cool OH MY GOD I actually don't know how to swim but I can imagine how cool it is and yeah I totally get that HHFDABLKGJB getting out of the water esp when its cold outside is terribllleeeee there's not much I can do these days but I would like to get back into writing somehow bcuz like I haven't touched a draft for MONTHS and its a bit embarrassing LMFAOOOO but yk I cant force myself to do stuff I don't want to ://////////// which leads to me procrastinating a lot but its fine I'll get back into it sooner or later !!! AND YEAH I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A SONG I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO OFTEN THESE DAYS ITS LOVETICON BY CSR I recently discovered it and omg it has been on repeat ever sinceeee its just so cute and fun. do u have a current fave song??

[the-infamous-coat-of-baron-zemo]

Missed Opportunities | Helmut Zemo x Reader | Chapter 3

Welcome to Part 3! You've made it this far? I'm impressed. Thank you for sticking around. This is quite the long chapter so, I hope you enjoy the juicy action all around.

And this one was quite the doozy to write. It's 3AM now? Hah, I've spent the entire day writing two chapters. But definitely don't expect more at quite this frequency. But I appreciate you all none the less.

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Tag Requests: @lostghostgirl94 @neoarchipelago @fillechatoyante @fanfics-ig

Did I miss someone? For future tag requests: Please send me a direct message if possible, it's easy to lose people in the mix and I don't want to miss anyone!

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For previous chapters go here: Part 1 | Part 2

Word Count: 5.358

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had been precisely three hours, forty-two minutes since two Avengers and a criminal mastermind had left the safe house you were staying in.

You were currently staring up at the ceiling with mild boredom waiting for the next round of texts to come in. An alert notification rang through the near empty residence, the noise echoed off the walls of the living room intensifying the reverberation of sound.

Rolling over, you flopped onto you stomach from your position on the couch, stretching your arm out to grab the phone off the coffee table.

Carefully, you read the incoming message. 'No recent signs of Karli, but following up on a handprint Bucky found a couple miles from our initial start position. Zemo has a theory it might lead to a section of tunnel that veers off towards the harbor. Will update again in another hour. - S'

Great.

So they'll easily be gone at least another couple hours, leaving you to your own devices. That's dangerous. There's no telling what kind of trouble you could get into without something to do. Your mind was always processing, constantly formulating new plans and calculating risk probabilities. It's why you were so fidgety and animated. You didn't inherently have ADHD, but your brain was so active the symptoms manifested as such. You had a genius level intelligence, you just chose to down-play it most of the time. You craved activities to keep your mind from going into overdrive; it's why you spend most of your mornings running. To drain your body of excess energy and let your brain rest.

You groaned in irritation, tossing the phone back onto the coffee table. Sam could have at least given you a pin point location so you could do some research on the area where the handprint was found.

Maybe you could read for a bit.

You got up and headed to your room at the back of the apartment. Zemo gave you the last room at the end of the hallway, it also happened to be the only room that had a half bath attached to it. Which in retrospect, was quite thoughtful of him.

As you reached your room, a chilly draft fell across your body, causing goosebumps to raise on your fair skin. You noticed you left a window open in the room and moved to close it. Often times, late at night you sat at the window sill and read to pass the time when you couldn't sleep. Sometimes, you'd crack the window open and simply listen to the sounds of the outside; they were just as soothing. There was no denying it was quite lovely where you were staying. Helmut Zemo had impeccable taste.

You grabbed your book and crossed the room, rubbing your arm to help circulate some heat back into your body, but before you got to the door, a patch of blue caught your eye. Zemo's hoodie. It had been left draped haphazardly over the back of one of the chairs in your room. A constant reminder you needed to give it back to the Baron, but you weren't ready to just yet, and funnily enough, he hadn't asked for it.

Shifting from foot to foot, you debated what to do. It was comfortable. Wearing it one last time couldn't hurt, right? There wasn't anyone here to cajole you about it anyways and you could just take it off before the guys got back. Perfectly reasonable. Before you could talk yourself out of it, you snagged the garment off the chair and pulled it on as you walked back out to the main living room, book in hand.

As you rounded the corner and made your way through the kitchen back to the couch, you heard a loud metallic bang against the entry-way door accompanied with the tell tale signs of door knobs turning. Caught off guard by the sudden intrusion, you had leapt off the ground, clutching the book to your chest.

You stared at the door in fear knowing it was way too soon for anyone to have returned yet. And they wouldn't have caused the disruption in the attempts to break in. Pushing down your apprehension, your senses started to return to you, and you realized you need to get to your phone. Now.

Your eyes moved across the apartment and landed on the coffee table a short distance away from you. Bingo. You took a step forward towards the table when the front doors suddenly swung open and a whirl of red, white and blue flew past your face. The projectile, nearly hitting you, caused you to stumble, knocking you backwards onto the floor. You landed clumsily, but thankfully caught yourself before your head smacked against the ground.

You didn't need to look up to know exactly what object flew at your head. The sound alone was unmistakable.

"Apologies for the erratic entrance, I only meant to use it to help open the door - I hadn't planned on Lemar here unlocking the them so easily. When the doors fell open, it kind of just flew right out of my hand."

Annoyance had now replaced your fear.

John Walker.

You had many opinions of the man based off what Sam and Bucky had told you, but you hadn't had the pleasure of actually meeting him. Until now.

This did not help sway your opinion of him in the very least. If anything, it only solidified that the government had made a rash decision. You don't just had over the shield to anyone.

You glared up at the intruders from your position on the floor. This was completely unexpected. How did he even manage to locate this safe house? Something nagged at the back of your mind that Captain Walker might have had help from people with a questionable background. You shoved the thought aside for the time being.

Lemar had gone around to the back of the couch and pulled the shield out of the wall embedded in between the two stained windows. Walker, who stood next to you, was offering his hand to help you up.

You didn't even make an effort to consider his gesture and got up off the floor without his assistance, dusting yourself off in the process.

Walker appeared undeterred by your dismissal of him and instead put on a winning smile and rotated his hand in the attempts of a handshake.

"I think we got off on the wrong foot. John Walker. Captain America," he proudly stated.

"I know who you are Captain Walker, as well as your friend here," you briskly answered, crossing your arms in front of you.

You could see the smile start to drop off his face and his eyes turn a bit darker.

"And I know who you are as well, you're well documented along with the Avengers, but I was trying to be polite," Walker grounded out with forced effort.

You didn't want to start an argument with the newly anointed Captain America, but there was something off about him that just irritated you.

"Polite?" you sarcastically question. "How is barging into someone's residence, polite? Please, do explain," you shifted your weight onto one side, giving him an expectant look.

"I don't have to explain myself to you. In case you've forgotten, I'm Captain America," he took a step towards you, his body language highly suggesting an intimidation tactic.

You held your tongue and took a step back to place more distance between yourself and Walker. You spared a glance at his partner to gauge his reaction, but his expression was guarded, although he was watching with rapt attention.

"What do you want, Walker?" you bit out. You attempted to keep some of the contempt out of your voice, but he had quickly turned your mood sour this afternoon.

"Where's Zemo?" Walker cut straight to the chase this time.

"Not here, obviously," you held your arms out, gesturing around.

"I want to know where Zemo is. He's coming with us," the captain took another step towards you, this time with a more forceful intention.

You furrowed your brow and took another step back. His posturing was starting to make you slightly nervous.

"Even if I did know where he was, I'm not saying either way. Zemo has been surprisingly helpful to us, and we need him to locate Karli along with the rest of the Flag-Smashers, including the missing vials of serum. And he's more likely to continue working with us, than provide you with any information at all. That I can say with absolute certainty," your words sounded confident, but inside you were trembling.

That was apparently the wrong thing to say to Captain America.

His entire demeanor changed. Once where there was some warmth and light-heartedness, there was only a cold emptiness left in his gaze. He reached back to grab the shield from Lemar, and then without any warning shoved you back against the wall to your left.

You heard the distinct sound of your right shoulder pop as is slammed into the wall along with the rest of your body. The rapid movement from Walker and impact from the shield knocked the wind right out of you. The pressure from the amount of force he was exerting pinned you to the wall and caused the shield to be painfully pressed into your side, separating you from Walker. You could feel the rim of the shield digging slightly into your neck, but not enough to cause any real damage.

"John!" you heard Hoskins shout with alarm from behind Walker.

You swallowed thickly; very real fear had settled into your bones. You were capable of defending yourself, but hadn't actually needed to put those skills into any use. Bucky and Sam had taught you some moves and hold to get out of, but it never crossed any of your minds once you'd have to fight Captain America. You tried to shift your head to the side to see how far away your phone was. What possible options you had. Maybe you could appeal to his partner and deescalate the situation before things got too ugly.

"I'm only going to ask this one last time. Where is Zemo?" Walker spit out, putting force against the shield, which in turn, caused you to grimace in pain.

"Hoskins, you really going to allow Captain America to torture an innocent citizen trying to help in a cause we're all aligned in?" you gasped out, trying to swallow as much air as possible through the pain wracking your body.

You refused to let it show. Holding back as much of the discomfort you were in. You didn't want to give Walker the satisfaction.

"John, ease up. She's not a terrorist, and frankly, I agree with her," Hoskins voiced, his footsteps bringing him closer to Walker with the hopes of gaining his attention no doubt.

The pressure from the shield against your form was lifted slightly, though the shield was still closer to your body than you'd like to admit. You closed your eyes to focus on regaining some stability and figure out your next course of action to get yourself out of this mess.

"Stay out of this Lemar," John replied, but his menacing stature had lessened minutely.

You opened your eyes to stare at Walker. He had removed the shield between the two of you and placed it on his back; however he stepped into your personal space instead and placed a hand against your collarbone, essentially rendering you immobile again.

Well, at least now you could breathe.

Walker peered down at you with distain, "You're really not going to give him up are you?"

You clenched your jaw and lifted your chin defiantly at him.

"No," you answered.

The wheels were turning inside Walker's head. You could literally see the fire burning in his eyes, realizing he wasn't going to get an answer out of you. Not willingly.

He dipped his head and released his hold on you, pointing a finger right at your face, "This isn't over. Not by a long shot."

You saw Lemar walk up and pat Walker's shoulder, "Alright, let's get out of here."

Walker straightened up and stiffly walked away, leaving Hoskins trailing behind. His ego had taken a blow today.

Hoskins gave an apologetic shrug, "He's under a lot of stress."

Before Lemar could fully clear your line of sight, you quietly spoke up, "He doesn't deserve that shield."

Hoskins didn't have a response to that.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

In wake of the aftermath, you had tried to clean up as best possible. You assessed your injuries were non life-threatening, though your right shoulder was most definitely dislocated. The arm was kept close against your body hoping to not jostle it too much. You felt spikes of pain as you cleaned the area where Walker had thrown the shield into the wall, but ignored it so you could get the place back in shape before Sam, Bucky and Zemo returned.

Sam had messaged not too long ago, they were roughly 20 minutes out from the apartment.

Your ribs were throbbing from where the shield had been buried into your side, but you didn't think they had been broken, only bruised. You were going to have to ask one of them pop your shoulder back into place.

You were dreading the conversation, but were determined to remain as calm as possible to help alleviate the immediate reaction they were going to have once you revealed what happened.

The events of the day had finally caught up with you and coupled with the cleaning efforts, your body was signaling it's exhaustion. You were in the kitchen, and honestly didn't think you could make the short trip to one of the sofas; so you carefully sat on one of the chairs in the kitchen and waited patiently.

Sure enough, 20 minutes later, the doors to the apartment opened and the guys swiftly came in to greet you.

"Did you even leave the kitchen?" James inquired, coasting around the kitchen to grab a drink.

You smiled tightly and responded in kind, "For a short while, yes. Did you guys find anything worth while?" You quickly wanted to change the subject but knowing you were only delaying the inevitable.

"Yeah, we think we've discovered a possible building Karli is using to hideout in. We had planned on eating something quickly and then leave again to check it out tonight," Sam explained.

As Sam was talking, Bucky had accidently bumped into you, causing you to wince and pull your arm tighter to you. Luckily, he didn't see your face, but Sam did.

"Hey, you okay?" Sam questioned, voice filling with concern.

You blew out a breath bracing yourself for what you were about to say.

"What happened to my wall?" Zemo piped up, giving you a curious glance, he had moved to run his hand along the diagonal cut, inches deep, in the space between the ceiling to floor windows.

Bucky left his glass and walked over to get a better look, as did Sam. Both of them would know precisely what caused a mark like that to become etched into a wall.

Sam and Bucky snapped their heads back to you as soon as they saw the indention, but it was Zemo who spoke first.

"John Walker was here," he stated, shrugging off his coat and hanging it over the back of the couch he was nearby.

"It was an, eventful afternoon here," you tried to put some overly cheerful, comedic tones into your voice, but failed pretty miserably.

"What happened?" Sam immediately asked.

The trio had made their way back to the kitchen to get answers from you.

Zemo came to stand nearby, eyes roaming your body, searching. With his expertise, there was no question that he would quickly figure out you were injured; so you tried to tell your story as concisely as possible.

"Um, so - Walker and Lemar showed up. He asked for Zemo. I told him he wasn't here aaaaand they left. The end," you hurriedly spoke, wanting to get this over with and not draw any more attention to yourself.

But you could see in Helmut's eyes, he knew there was more to your story. His carefully crafted mask was starting to crack as you saw his gaze drift down to you cradling your arm underneath the island away from Bucky and Sam's eyeline.

"You're hurt," Zemo said. His face showed open concern as he walked the remaining distance to you.

With more tenderness than you thought possible coming from him, he slowly and carefully moved your right arm away from your body. He kept his eyes trained on you for any discomfort or signs of pain.

Once your arm had left your lap though, you reached over with your left hand to grip one of his wrists to prevent him from moving your arm any further.

"Don't, please," you pleaded, gritting your teeth and swallowing down the pain threatening to erupt from you. You were panting now, and more clear than ever something had happened to you while they were gone.

Helmut released your arm without hesitation, but did not leave your side. You saw him exchange tense looks between James and Sam. Normally, Bucky would have been focused on keeping Zemo away from you, but with the current circumstances, he was no longer a priority.

"What actually happened?" Bucky softly called out, he and Sam had gotten closer to take a better look at you. Sam brought a chair out to sit next to you and give you a once over, while you explained.

The expressions on their faces were grim as they anxiously awaited your reply.

"It wasn't - it's not quite as bad as it seems," you started, stuttering out the words as Sam brought his hands up to check your head for any injuries first.

"He just barged right in and was insistent on finding Zemo. He was acting so arrogant and pompous, I just refused to give him any information on his whereabouts," you continued on. "He didn't like the fact I wasn't willing to cooperate with "Captain America" and he got a little.....rough with me."

Sam paused his surveying to meet your gaze. You could see the guilt beginning to creep into his eyes. He turned his head to look up at Bucky, who was angrily flexing his vibranium arm in displeasure. Probably only affirming his notion that Sam should have never given up the shield in the first place.

"What did he do?" Bucky's tone brook no argument. He wanted to know the truth.

You scrunched your face in unpleasantness when Sam checked your lower neck and collarbone, he had found the place on your body where the shield and his hand had met you.

"Is this from - ?" Sam couldn't finish his sentence and he looked away in anger. You could tell he just wanted to get up and throw something, and that was commonly uncharacteristic for him.

Zemo had shifted his position to take a peek at what Sam was doing while he checked you out. You saw how his eyes had darkened with quiet rage taking stock of everything. There was an outline of a thin scrap mark against the underside of your neck and jaw, but it was a clear demarcation that would only be caused from the shield itself.

You nodded sadly and focused on answering Bucky's question as you gave Sam the okay to keep going.

"Walker, didn't get what he wanted, so he did the only other thing he knows how to do," you cleared your throat and rubbed your hand against your forehead.

"Use brute force," Zemo darkly said.

"He used the shield to push me up against the wall over there," you pointed over as you continued re-telling what happened. "I was knocked into the wall pretty hard, but Walker lost all focus and nearly suffocated me from the force of the shield against my body. I think he -" you yelped like a wounded animal, not able to finish your story when Sam touched your shoulder.

Bucky's eyes had widen and became deeply concerned over your pained scream.

Your muscled were clenched tight as you tried to ride out the pain, face starting to turn red.

Zemo had placed a light hand on your back, leaning down to comfort you and remind you to breath.

You fumbled with your good arm as you tried taking in deep breaths and motioned to Sam what was wrong with your arm.

Even with your poor mime animation of pretending to have your arm pulled from your socket, James picked up on what you were getting at. He tapped Sam to switch places with him. Your eyes were watering at this point and you blinked back the tears wanting to fall.

"Alright doll, on the count of three, I'm going to raise your arm and put pressure on your shoulder, okay?" Bucky solemnly said.

Sam gave you a smile of assurance while Zemo ended up taking your good hand, letting you know you could use him to brace yourself. He and James shared a silent conversation before nodding at one another. If Sam had a problem with Zemo providing you comfort, he didn't show it. You figured he was letting some of his dormant humanity rise to surface in this moment.

You shook slightly trying to prepare yourself for the next round of pain once your shoulder was fixed, but James didn't give you any time.

"Three," he commanded, snapping your shoulder back into its socket before you had a chance to even reaction.

You let out another cry of pain, holding onto Zemo's hand tightly, but somehow, the fear of the oncoming pain dissipated as you let go of his hand and rubbed your shoulder with minimal soreness.

You cleared your throat and looked at everyone after a few moments of rest. Surprised at how efficiently James had handled your shoulder, but then again, he was the perfect person to do the job.

You scrunched up your nose at James, "What happened to one and two?"

He huffed out a laugh, "It worked didn't it?"

"Thank you. All of you," you gave a lazy smile through the tiredness that filled you up. "I think I'll be okay now - that was the worst of it. Promise. Walker didn't do any further harm to me. I managed to convince Lemar to get Walker to back down," you glossed over the section where Walker threatened you, but you could bring that up later.

None of them were satisfied with your response, but you're guessing they let it slide given the circumstances.

Zemo reached into the freezer to grab an ice pack. He handed it to you to place on your shoulder helping with your recovery. You accepted it from him extremely grateful. You mused your opinion of him was constantly evolving the more time you actually spent with him.

Sam had asked if you were sure there weren't any other areas you wanted to have checked over for injuries.

You assured him, you were alright, just tired and very sore.

Bucky had swiftly gotten up from his chair and made it known he wanted to go after Walker this evening. You knew he wasn't going to let this incident go any time soon. Sam had also been in agreement after fully understanding what transpired, but Zemo was eerily silent.

"You guys should follow your original plan. Don't let Walker distract you. I'm alive and I am going to be okay. Go follow your lead on Karli," you interjected, trying to be the reasonable one. There was no need for them to go off halfcocked while they were still very upset. You were too, if you were being honest with yourself, but your focus was on your friends first and foremost.

"Well, we're not leaving you here alone. I can stay behind and let Zemo and Sam check things out," James said.

"Actually, it makes the most sense if I stay behind," Zemo chimed in.

"Why is that?" Sam countered warily.

"The particular location you are going to, I have....a history there. It would be wise for me to not be seen in that part of town as to not raise any alarm bells," he reasoned with them.

"And why should we trust you with her?" Bucky asked, suspicion creeping into his voice.

"Because I have no motive to do any harm to her nor shall I allow any further injury come to her. On this James, I give you my word," Helmut replied, the seriousness of his tone was not lost on anyone in the room.

"Okay," Sam relented, moving about the kitchen to pack some food for their evening night out.

"Just like that, huh?" James said with disbelief.

"Yeah, just like that," Sam parroted back.

Bucky wasn't happy about the situation, but there was an urgency to find Karli, so he caved.

James leaned over on the counter to make sure you were 100% okay being left along with Zemo, reminding you at any time you can call and they'd rush back instantly for whatever reason.

You stood up slowly, balancing the ice pack on your shoulder and shuffled over a few steps towards him, "Thank you. Now, go."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You waved to to your friends a second round of goodbyes for the day. You sagged against the counter, temporarily forgetting about Zemo for the moment. You really needed to lie down.

As if he read your thoughts, you suddenly felt his presence as an arm wrapped around your waist, resting firmly against your hip.

"Here, let me help you get someplace more comfortable than this," Zemo asserted, taking his free hand and dropping the ice pack from your shoulder onto the counter. He then grabbed your left hand, raising your arm and wrapped it around his neck to help support you. So now most of your weight is on your left side, allowing your right to have most of the pressure released from your injuries.

You were so close to him you could smell his expensive cologne and aftershave. It was intoxicating and caused your head to swim a little. You stumbled slightly, but Zemo kept you steady as you both made your way to your room.

In your exhausted state, you managed to sneak in a few glances to Zemo, who was concentrating on the task at hand, not wanting to cause any jarring movements. He deserved more credit than you had been giving him; he truly did seem to care in his own warped way.

Once you had gotten to your room, he guided you to the bed to lie down. Not once had you complained. A true testament of just how tired you were. You couldn't even muster a snarky reply at his disheveled state of being, from practically dragging you down the hallway.

You snuggled into the hoodie you were wearing and tried to lie in a position that wouldn't cause too much discomfort for your shoulder and ribs.

Zemo had stepped into the closet and when he returned he came back with a couple extra pillows. He propped them against your injured side to prevent you from rolling over during the night.

If nothing else, Zemo was incredibly thorough when he focused on something. And right now, that focus was you. It was unnerving, but also thrilling at the same time. Maybe you did have a head injury, because all you could do was smirk at how utterly adorable he was tending to you. It made you curious as to whether this was what Zemo was like before. For the first time, you really wanted to know more about him.

You saw how he was confident in everything he does, and this situation was no different apparently. He had been muttering to himself as he adjusted bedding and made sure there was nothing in the room that you could trip over if you had to get up. He was taking in all the possibilities, like you did.

He had been actively avoiding looking at you though since Bucky and Sam left. You weren't entirely sure why, as he's had zero problems watching you over the past several days. You have a feeling it's because you're one of a few people who have seen beneath the surface of Helmut Zemo, and he's reacting the only way he knows how to at this moment.

Distraction.

You were too sleepy to ponder this any further and turned your head to the side to see what Zemo was fiddling with now.

He had finished up the last of his tasks and looked around the room satisfied with his work. Only then did he turn to look at you.

If it had been anyone else, you would swear that Zemo almost seemed nervous. He was, at many times in your experience, hard to read; so all of these new expressions are a different side for you to see.

Zemo tentatively sat on the edge of the bed next to you.

"Do you need anything?" he genuinely inquired.

You shook your head, indicating you didn't.

All of a sudden he laughed. It ended nearly as quickly as it had began. You raised an eyebrow him in reply, but he simply tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie you were still wearing.

Too tired to be embarrassed about it, you simply mumbled, "Shut up. I still plan on giving it back, although, given it's track record, you should quite possibly get rid of it. After what happened today, I think it might be bad luck."

You saw Zemo dip his head and chuckle at your reply. He look much more carefree when he laughed. You'd have to add him to your daily list. Make Zemo laugh.

His expression sobered rather quickly though and became pensive after that, staring out the window briefly before resting his gaze back on you.

"You keep it. It looks better on you."

Not knowing what to say, caught up in the storm in his eyes, you give a small smile. You can feel your cheeks turning red under the intensity of his stare.

Zemo stood up, getting ready to leave when you stopped him by latching onto his wrist.

"Wait," you murmured.

The swift action caused him to furrow his brow in confusion.

You weren't sure exactly what you wanted from him, only that you didn't want him to go.

"Stay."

You could tell you startled him with your request. Your eyes grew larger realizing the potential double meaning.

"Just until I fall asleep?" you clarified, a yawn escaped as you covered your mouth.

Zemo visibly relaxed and had you relinquish your hold on his arm so he could pull up a chair to your bed. He turned his head around the room in search of something. He went to the nightstand and picked up your book.

Amusement flitted across the features of his face as he read the cover. Zemo sat down on the chair and propped his feet up on the side of the bed.

You shut your eyes and tried to block out the soreness covering your body. Tomorrow would be worse. The next day always is. You had begun to doze off, when ever so quietly, you heard Zemo's voice fill the room.

He was reading to you. Lulling you into a peaceful sleep and letting you know he was still present. Wanting you to know, in his own way, he was upholding his promise to Bucky and Sam. That you were safe with him. That you could trust him just as you had, when you asked him to stay in the first place.

With those final thoughts, you drifted off, listening to the subdued sound of his voice.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[celestewritestoomuch]

In order to actually kickstart my will to write, I’ve decided to compile a couple of my favourite writing tips, which are the sole reason that I’ve ever finished a draft in my whole life. If I suddenly come up/find more ideas, I might make this a series but I’m not going to get ahead of myself.

Anyway, everybody welcome:

Celeste’s (not quite) exhaustive list of fun writing tricks AKA the reason I will die before showing anyone a first draft, with examples!

Don’t wanna write the upcoming scene/line/dialogue? Don’t do it!

The best this I ever did for myself involves these little darlings: [ ]

If there’s a line, or scene that I simply just don’t want to write, I do this.

“[insert sarcastic and unnecessary comment here that will make the readers lol]”

95% of the time, I try to make them mildly entertaining like this example so that future me knows exactly what past me was on about. The other 5% of the time, future me will look at something that looks like this: [something happens idk figure it out future me] and just give up and look for the next entertaining one, so do be careful with this trick.

Start writing from the scene you wanna write the most.

Seriously, trust me on this one. Write whatever you feel inspired to write, alongside the chronological draft. I have a section at the bottom of the document I write on called “random scenes for shits and giggles”.

I name each scene (usually looks something like this: they did the thing whee they argue but actually wanna jump each other so there’s that) and then when I look at the contents, I know which one of the mini fanfics I write are going into the main draft.

Fun fact, in my current WIP the chapter my beta readers have liked the best was a little mini fanfic I write for my own personal joy and liked so much that I forced into the manuscript. They say it helps to pace the novel, I say it helps to make me happy, which is basically the same thing, when you really think about it.

Leave comments for yourself on your document

I mean, firstly they’re like little love letters, but they involve potential plot points and things I need to research, and it keeps it all in one place. I love leaving little sarcastic notes for myself so I can be motivated to prove past me wrong. Also so that I can laugh a little at the expense of my poor characters. No, I am not a sadist, I’m an author, get it right.

Write in comic sans/change your font regularly.

Any time I come back to a novel after a long period of time, the first thing I do is change the font. I always have to pick fonts that are dyslexia friendly even if I don’t like the aesthetics, and I always recommend it to my writer friends who aren’t dyslexic. I can’t see why it wouldn’t help.

I generally switch between Times New Roman (which according to google is, and I find it easy to read so….) and Comic Sans since they’re the only ones I can use without getting overloaded, but I always say, the more fonts you can change, the easier it will be to find mistakes and spelling errors.

Have two WIPs going at once

You will have to take this one with a pinch of salt, but I have my main WIP which I’m hoping to query very soon!!! And the next one I wanna publish going at the same time. Why? Because I have the attention span of a peanut, that’s why, and when I wanna write, I wanna write. But I get bored of writing. So, my second WIP is what I call my procrastination project. It allows me to use my imagination more, compared to the one I’m currently fine tuning. All the examples I’ve provided so far are from my secondary WIP, which is a completely different genre from my main WIP. We won’t discuss my tertiary one for now. I don’t wanna confuse you all.

That’s it for today, since all of a sudden I really wanna get back to working on my main WIP. Hopefully this has helped you! And if you want more tips from your neighbourhood capital letter hating writer be sure to let me know. :)

[ur-riddikulus]

You’re Worth It (Bucky Barnes)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You are the resident therapist for the Avengers and Steve asks you for a favor. He wants you to have a therapy session with Bucky. Then you find out that Bucky wasn’t exactly aware of this plan.

Warnings: some cursing, Bucky’s angsty past, a couple small sexual innuendo. Also like a ton of angst but I promise that it does get better lol.

A/N: This is my first fanfic on here. I posted some Harry Potter ones before this, but I reread them and thought I could do better. So, here we are! Thank you for reading and if you want this to turn into more parts, I can totally do that. <3

You had been in your office preparing for your next patient when Steve walked in.

“Hey, Dr. Y/L/N, can I ask you for a favor?” He asked, putting his hands in a praying motion.

“Yeah, absolutely! I do have a patient soon, though.” You replied. You were glad to help, Steve is a great patient and has been improving impressively. So well, in fact, you didn’t know if he would even need to see you much longer.

“Do you know Bucky Barnes? He’s an old pal of mine. He has been against going to therapy for a long time, but you’ve helped me so much and Bucky needs some help too I think. Plus, he saw you around the tower and thought you were cute.” Steve says.

You blushed at that last part, silently wishing you didn’t. You had a rule against dating any patient or anyone in the tower, since it would just be awkward when you inevitably break up. Every relationship you’ve ever been in hasn’t lasted long, considering you’ve never been able to find someone you truly liked.

“Yeah, of course I know Bucky. You don’t shut up about him during your therapy sessions and I’ve seen him sulking around the tower myself. I would love to help him, but like I said, I have another patient soon. I will only have therapy with him if it’s his choice though. And I think he’s absolutely gorgeous but I have a rule against dating anyone who lives or works in the Tower.” You explained.

You looked at the time, Tony Stark, your next patient, would be here any minute. You were the sole therapist for Avengers Tower. There maybe should have been another one, but Tony had one session with you and said that you were the best he’s ever had and no one would ever dare be a therapist and step into his tower again. He even gave you the title of ‘Chief of Mental Health’ despite being literally the only person in that department.

Steve must have noticed you checking your watch, because he said ,”Oh, and I bribed Tony to change his appointment and give it to Bucky, so you kind of have no choice.” 

You looked up, “What? Who knew that Mr. Captain America himself was a cunning little bitch.” You joked, shaking your head. You and Steve, hell, you and everyone in the tower had that kind of relationship. And, he knew you swore like a sailor, so he even ignored it sometimes.

At that moment, Bucky walked in. He looked so handsome with his shoulder-length hair and baby blue eyes. He even looked a little nervous. Well, that’s not surprising, you thought. Everyone, even you, was a tad nervous on the first session.

Steve put up one finger and said, “Let me talk to Buck alone for one moment.” You nodded and he walked Bucky out to the hallway and shut your door. You heard whispers being exchanged and was a little confused but whatever, you thought. You were sure he’s just giving Bucky encouragement. 

You went over and sat down on your grey seat and picked up your chamomile tea. That was probably your favorite part of being a therapist, getting to sit down in comfy chairs all day with your tea. Besides helping people of course.

The door opened once again, with Bucky and Steve reappearing. “Thanks for doing this again, Dr. Y/L/N! Bucky will love you.” Steve said, patting Bucky on the back. You smiled and he exited, leaving only a nervous-looking Bucky standing there.

“Why don’t you come over and sit on the comfortable couch across from me, Bucky?” You motion, pointing over to the couch across from your current chair. He nods and goes to the couch. Well, at least he looks a bit more comfortable, you think to yourself.

“So, what do you want to talk about? Anything is on the table.” You say. You’ve found that not going straight to the tough topics help patients build their trust with you more.

“Well, doll, how about you tell me about yourself first.” He says, getting a bit more confident now. Doll? That’s an odd name to call your therapist. But whatever, you’re sure they used it a lot in the old days. Letting it slide, you try to answer his question.

“Well, I was born and raised here in New York City. I got my PhD. in psychology from NYU and I have an apartment in Brooklyn. I got this job after only one session with Tony Stark and now I am the therapist for the Avengers.” Sure, it was a lot of work, but you absolutely loved your job. Helping the heroes who risk their life to save yours and everyone else’s was the least you could do, you thought.

Bucky nodded and said, “I’m from Brooklyn. Looks much different now than it did when I lived there though. A PhD.? Damn doll, you must be super smart.”

You smiled at his compliment. “Thank you. It wasn’t easy, but it was definitely worth all the late nights studying.”

“So, anything else you want to know about me before we get started?” You asked, getting your notebook to prepare to write notes about Bucky and how to best help him. 

“Get started? Damn, doll. I was thinking we could grab a coffee before we ‘get started.’ But it’s good with me, I guess the girls roll a little different in this time than the 40′s.” Bucky says, chuckling to himself.

You were in the middle of getting to the correct page in the notebook but paused when you heard what he said. What did he think you meant when you said ‘get started’? It sounded very different from your meaning. And getting coffee? It almost sounded like he thought this was a date? You shook your head at that thought. No way could he possibly be that confused. And Steve said he thought you were cute, but you seriously doubted that the Bucky Barnes would even consider going on a date with you. So no, it definitely couldn’t be that. But whatever he thought this was, there was obviously a miscommunication that you had to clear up.

“Uh, Bucky? I think you must be confused. Steve told me that he convinced you to have a therapy session with me this afternoon. What did you think this was?” You ask, a little scared of the answer. 

At hearing this, Bucky seemed very confused. “What do you mean, Steve told me that we were meeting here before going out on our date?”

Now it’s your turn to be confused. What does he mean by ‘our date’? 

“Uh, Steve never said to me that we were going on a date. He told me that he convinced you to have a therapy session with me...” You said, shaking your head in confusion. This made no sense, what was going on?

Apparently that was the conclusion Bucky just got to as well,  because he looked up, a little embarrassed and said, “I’m so sorry. Steve told me that you wanted to go on a date with me and that we were going to meet in your office before going out. I never would have agreed to this if I knew what he was really doing. I’m just going to leave, I’m so sorry for wasting your time.” Bucky raced his hand through his long hair and stood up, walking to the door.

At first, you were a little stunned. The Steve you knew, the world knew, would never pull a trick on anyone, especially his best friend. You knew him enough through your sessions to know that he would only do this if he absolutely had to. Which means he must be desperate for his friend to get the mental help he needed. Also, Bucky was just so damn cute and you have had the biggest crush on him ever since you went to the Captain America exhibit in the local museum for a school trip. You always saw him in the pictures with Steve, his heart-stopping smile still doing wonders on you despite the worn black and white photo.

So, you jumped up right when his hand touched the door handle to leave and probably never see you again. “W-Wait!” You said, hating your stutter but just cringed and kept going when you saw him turn around curiously. “While you’re here you might as well just talk to me. If you hate it, you never have to see me again and can just ignore me in the halls. But, if this session does help you, maybe we can schedule a bit more and see where it goes. I really think I can help you, Bucky.” After you finish your awkward speech, you just smiled and waited for his definite and irreversible no. Well, at least you got the chance to help him, you thought. 

He just sighed and shrugged saying, “Well, I’m already here I guess. But are you sure this could end at any time and that you even want to help me after my dumb friend tricked me into embarrassing myself?” 

You smiled and that last part and smiled, just grateful for the opportunity to help someone so burdened and has done so much for the world. 

Bucky walked back over the his chair and said, “So, Doc, how do we start this?”

You grabbed your notebook again and turned to the right page again. “This is your session, it can start with however you want. But it might help to start from the beginning. How did you feel when you got drafted into a World War when you were only 18?”

He looked deep in thought and said, “Wow, no one ever asked me that.” He sighed before adding, “Of course it was my duty to fight and all that, but I was angry at the world for forcing kids who just barely turned adults to fight their wars for them. I knew it was going to be an adventure, but honestly I was scared shitless, doll.”

You nod, your empathy for him skyrocketing even though you guys just started.

And that’s how your bi-weekly sessions with Bucky would usually go. You guys talked about a whole manner of things, like his past in the 1940′s, his brainwashing with HYDRA, Steve saving him, and his nightmares from everything included. You two were closer than you normally let yourself get to patients. You didn’t know if it was because of everything he had gone through, or maybe even that you finally got to talk and help the Avenger who needed you most, but you honestly didn’t care. Your sessions with him really seemed to help him and now he hasn’t had a nightmare in over 2 months. Bucky seemed a lot happier and waved and talked to you in the halls. Steve even said that he hasn’t seen Bucky like this since the 40′s. You thought that with all things considered, he had a ton of improvement. You two had only been meeting for about 6 months and his progress was truly great;

You tried to forget that in your first meeting he thought you were going on a date and even apparently called you pretty. You knew that nothing romantic should ever come out of your patient and therapist relationship since it was obviously wrong. Every therapist knew that under no circumstances should you date your patient. It would always hurt the patient’s mental health even more and that was the opposite of your job. You suppose it could technically happen if you stopped being his personal therapist but it wouldn’t be worth it. All of his hard work would have been for nothing. 

But you couldn’t help but think what if? What if it ended up working out? What if he got another therapist and you could date him? What if he was the one? But no, you were getting ahead of yourself, you thought. Bucky was great and handsome and so, so perfect. He was honestly everything you wanted in a partner. And still, you couldn’t take the leap. If it didn’t work out and you were possibly the reason his mental health got worse you could never forgive yourself. So every appointment with him you just smiled and tried to ignore that pressing need, even though you were beating yourself up for either being a coward or for being so selfish that you wanted to take that chance.

One day you were in the middle of researching new ways to help a client’s recent mental health issue and trying to (and failing) ignore a certain issue when Bucky walked in with a bouquet of your favorite flowers and a nervous look on his face. You stood up, very confused but nonetheless making yourself known. 

“Uh, Y/N? Could I maybe talk to you for a minute?” He asked. You’ve never seen him dressed so well. Normally he just wore either workout clothes or sweatpants. You two even often joked together that he owned no normal clothes. 

“Yeah of course. I’m sorry I didn’t know we had a session today.” You said, cursing yourself for making such a mistake. Usually you were pretty good with schedules, even though working with the entire compound was a bit much to remember. 

“Oh, we don’t. I just wanted to ask you a question.” Bucky said, biting his lip. A nervous tick that you soon discovered in one of your early sessions together.

“Sure, ask away.” You replied. You were getting a little worried. Surely he didn’t want to end your appointments together, right? Did you do something wrong?

“First of all, these are for you.” He said nervously as he handed you the flowers. You smiled, surprised that he remembered you telling him your that your favorite was y/f/f while complaining that the local florist didn’t have them during one of your bi-weekly meetings. “Thank you, these are absolutely beautiful. I love them.” You smiled and walked over to a window ledge with a vase on it and put them in, admiring how they looked in the sunlight.

When you were finished admiring them you walked back over to Bucky. “Thank you again, they really are beautiful. I don’t even remember the last time someone was so nice and got flowers for me.” You said and hugged him. You knew he wasn’t that great with personal touch but surprised you when he hugged you back pretty quickly. For a moment you just focused on being in his arms but then soon thought of how inappropriate it would look to an outsider and reluctantly pulled away. 

“So, what did you want to ask? Is everything okay?” You ask, quickly remembering that something could be wrong with him.

“Yeah, of course everything is fine. You truly are a great therapist, Y/N. You’ve got a gift.” Bucky said. You blushed at his words and hated that your color would give away your inappropriate feelings possibly. His words did calm you down though. But if it wasn’t about therapy, then what else could it be about?

Feeling your blush go down finally, you nodded and urged him to go on, now too curious to wait it felt like.

He sighed and nervously ran his hand through his hair. “You have to promise me that if this goes wrong, our relationship won’t be ruined. It’s too important for me to ruin by being an idiot.” You immediately promised. Normally you would be cautious about such a thing but you have never trusted anyone this quickly and this much with Bucky.

After he saw your quick agreement, he went on. “So, these past couple weeks, well since we’ve started meeting actually, I was interested in you. I was never going to act on it in a million years but you’ve helped me so much and I think we could really be great together. And Steve might have noticed me staring at you and telling me I should do something about it.” He chuckled. “So, want to go on a real date? I would go the whole 9 yards, nice restaurant and everything. But I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want to do and know that our relationship isn’t necessarily the easiest to become romantic. I just think you're worth it, doll. You're worth all of it.” He stopped and bit his lip again, waiting for your response.

Your heart soared when you heard his speech. No one had every made you feel this way. You were about to say yes, so close in fact, but then you remembered the real truth. You are his therapist, his doctor, his advocate. That was special and meant something to you. You knew he wanted this but it was your responsibility to make the hard choice, to do what you honestly hated to do but thought was right.

“No, Buck. I’m sorry but I can’t. I just think it could ruin all your hard work and that’s the last thing that I want to do. It just shouldn’t be risked.” You said. Telling him that felt like vomit was coming up and you felt even worse when you saw him look dejected and lose his smile so quickly because of you.

You moved your arm to touch his and try to support him the best you could within your boundaries but he saw you trying to do it and moved before you could touch him. And that really hurt. 

You opened your mouth to try and say that you wanted to say yes, that it wasn’t him and just your job but he put up his hand to stop you and said,”No, I shouldn't have asked, I’m sorry.” before walking out.

After the door shut you just closed your mouth in surprise of how this could all go so wrong before falling on the ground and just sobbing. You were hyperventilating soon and snot was going everywhere but you just didn’t care. You were the therapist, the one who knew all the mental health tips and tricks but you were too broken to think logically and it felt good to just let yourself cry.

This stayed the same for two straight weeks. Bucky rescheduled every meeting and put himself into more missions, especially the more dangerous ones. You would cry yourself to sleep nearly every night and by the morning, your eyes were really puffy and swollen from the night before. Everyone in the tower knew something was going wrong and you could feel their stares of sympathy and worry. You felt terrible but what felt even worse was that you weren’t even speaking with Bucky anymore. And as bad as you felt, you couldn’t help but be even more worried for him. You were prepared to just wallow in your own self-pity and cry for the nth time when Steve knocked on the door and walked in when you were in your office, just drinking chamomile tea and looking at the flowers Bucky got you.

“Hey Doc, how’s it going?” He asked, sitting down and looking worried. You just looked up at him and decided to finally cut the shit and get right to what you were worried about. “Steve, how’s Bucky? And tell me the truth, I’ll find out eventually.” Steve sighed and said, “Honestly he’s not doing great. He looks like crap and is throws himself into missions. Bucky also keeps taking stupid risks that could leave him wounded or even worse. We’ve all spoken with him and he just ignores it. I think the only thing that would really fix him is talking with you. he’s never been like this before, I just don’t know what to do.”

You knew that he would probably tell you the last part, that he feels out of control. Control issues was what you most talked about with Steve during your sessions. Not that you could blame him, you would definitely have them too after everything he has gone through. But that could be discussed in your future sessions with him. Right now, you just wished everything was back to normal.

You nodded sadly, even more worried for him now. But Steve talking to you changed something. You needed to talk to Bucky. And right now. Your fear of rejection was high and you knew there was a fairly high chance that he was too hurt to trust you and that he would probably say no but you didn’t care. Even if he rejected you, you didn’t care. As long as he would be better and your relationship went back to normal, you could live with it. Even if it would take a long time to get better after this, he would be worth it.

So you just looked up, your mind set on what you had to do. “Where is he? I need to find him right now.”

Steve looked up surprised and said, “Uh, in his room I think. He just signed up for another hard mission and we asked him not to but he insisted. He’s probably getting ready since he will have to leave soon.”

After hearing this, you jumped up frantically while yelling “Thank you so much Steve!” as you ran out, not even caring to stop the door from slamming. 

Now, even though you worked in a tower full of superheroes, you were only the therapist and still haven’t ran in a while. So you ran and ignored all the stares of the workers and Avengers. When you finally got there, you were out of breath and breathing hard. But still, you worked through your mini heart attack and knock on the door, still frantic.

You heard some rustling behind the door and a few mumbled curse words when he began saying loudly, “Steve, I’m fine. I’m going on that mission whether you think I should or no-” Bucky opened the door and once he saw you, a probably sweaty, red, and gross you, finished with a confused “-not?”

You put up one finger to signal for him to give you a moment to catch your breath. After that, you joked, “Guess I need to workout more.”

“No, I think you look great. Uh, n-not that my opinion matters or anything. If you think you need to work out then that’s what you should do.” He said, nervously stuttering but nodding at his final sentence like by catching it he saved himself from saying something wrong.

He cleared his throat before continuing. “So, how can I help you? I do have to leave on a mission soon though.”

It broke your heart how formally he was speaking, almost like you were complete strangers.

Maybe you should go, you thought. But no, you had to. Bucky was worth the embarrassment you could possibly face, whether you two were going to date or not. Forcing yourself to remember that, you steeled yourself and said, “I’m sorry Bucky, about everything I said. That date sounded amazing, it really did. I wanted to go and I still do. I was just worried about how inappropriate it would be for a therapist to date their patient. I didn’t want your mental health to backtrack and I honestly thought that I was doing the right thing. But I miss you, Buck. I miss you terribly. And you're worth all of the risks to me, you outweigh them all. So please don’t go on that mission, let someone else take the dumb risks. From what I’ve heard you have taken enough for a while. Please, just stay with me and we can talk?” You looked up at him pleadingly and saw him pull out his phone before shutting the door in your face.

That shut door hurt you, but you were prepared for it and sighed. It was too good to be true, you guessed. The fairytale ending, the white picket fence, the handsome husband. You turned around, prepared to walk away with the  thought of going back to your apartment and drowning your sorrows in chamomile tea and tissues when you heard the door open behind you and felt a hand grab yours to turn you around.

And there was Bucky, smiling like an absolute idiot. And at first you thought that he was making fun of you, but even then you still thought he looked handsome with that smile. “Sam’s in. He’ll take the mission for me.” He said.

“What?” was all you could muster. You had no idea what he was talking about it sounded almost like... That’s when you heard Sam on speaker phone, “Yep, that’s right sweetheart. I’m gonna do the dumb mission. Kiss Bucky real good for me, sucks I can’t be there to do it myself.” Then you heard Sam make a bunch of kissy noises and that’s when Bucky said, “Enough of him.” And ended the call. Then he grabbed your hand once more and shut the door behind you. He backed you against his door with him so close to you that your chest was touching his. 

You were still in shock of your luck when Bucky leaned in and kissed you. You were a little shocked but soon kissed him back, and hard. It was like you were underwater and he was the oxygen. The kiss soon turned rougher and you did not mind at all.

A couple hours later you were both laying on the bed, snuggling and watching a dumb movie that both of you weren’t even paying attention to. You were both just too wrapped up in each other’s presence. “Hey, I think you got some of that exercise you mentioned needing. Maybe we could even do some more if you want.” Bucky said, looking down at you and laughing. 

You hit him lightly but couldn’t help from laughing hard as well. Only hours ago you thought that you wouldn’t get anything with Bucky. No happy ending, white picket fence, and with Bucky, the whole package. But no, you got much more than that. So much more.