#for once i'm ready for an opening !!
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they're having a slumber party. best not to knock tho... 😳 (feat. @hythlodaes's emile, my io, and of course estinien ♥)
#azia gposes#iomilien#io laithe#emile jenidaut#emilien#io/estinien#when i tell you posing three giants is HARD!#so so worth it tho... like. i snapped with this one#ty for sending me the pose gigi!!! they deserve it :>#all the TOUCH!!! emilien with the open mouth kiss.... io feeling herself while being felt up#i just know she's doing the most blissed out body rolls during this. ready to make them act up!!#also i am sorry for putting her ass on emile but once i put him in this fit i wanted his tummy to be visible#CUTE TO ME#anyway. i'm gonna be thinking about this for the rest of forever
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basically life always goes on even if you think it won't. no matter how old you are. you don't have to be young to experience something life-changing. we're learning and growing all our lives, it isn't important how old we are. as long as we're alive,...we are alive.
#like. hold on everybody. hold on. even if the pain is unbearable believe me i've been there. just try to distract yourself. and once you're#ready-even if it doesn't feel like you're ready-be open and dare to hope. it's never too late and there's still good things that can happen#to you. even if you really can't believe it. even if you think you're already in the grave and it's all over. as long as you're here things#can still happen. you can still feel joy. you can still feel love and belonging. even if it won't feel like how it felt before you were#burdened by losses. but that won't cheapen it. you will still love them and grieve them but at the same time there will be a love that will#save you. it will keep you alive. there's always more things to love even if we can't forget who we loved and lost. that's just what being#an adult means i think. like that's life. but there are reasons to hold on. my opinion is live as long as you can. try to not end it#prematurely. there's always something. like i'm the most reclusive person ever and even for me there was something. so there's even more fo#you. hold on. do whatever you have to hold on but hold on.#idk i'm corny tonight#actually bpd#actually mentally ill
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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the miserable angry person I become when I haven't eaten is, in a word, atrocious. it is 9pm I have not had my dinner murder is about to be on the menu if I don't fix this soon
#i spent. SO LONG (5min) trying to iron a shirt that would NOT be ironed#and then SO LONG (60 seconds) futilely trying to shove the ironing board closed (gave up and left)#and now i want to CRY because i CANT STAND INDECISIVE YOUNG MEN#what is going ON in your BRAIN if you would COMMUNICATE i might UNDERSTAND!!!!! WHAT is the struggle WHAT is going on#if you were INTERESTED as so many people have CLAIMED YOU WERE why didn't you SAY anything why didn't you DO anything!!!!!!!!!!#LIFE IS LITERALLY SO SHORT WHAT IS GOING ONNNN I CANNOT SIT HERE WAITING FOR YOU FOREVER I CANNOT !!!!!#they said it might be because you had qualms about long distance. BOY I WOULD'VE GIVEN LONG DISTANCE AN ENTHUSIASTIC SHOT#not to be like. once again i am the one more interested i am the one so ready to open my heart i am the one more invested#but like. dude. we live in an age of technology. if you want to get to know me. TEXT ME I'M LITERALLY IN THE SAME COUNTRY!!!!!!!#also what a day this has been. i agreed to teach sunday school (i am burned out and felt dread the whole time and then after i said yes)#and then socialized with too many people and then spent about 2 hours commuting and then came home and watched a romcom#that was happy that made me sad because it was happy. i too would like to be treated tenderly and pursued intentionally for once. anyways#in the same day one friend got engaged to her best friend and one friend got involved with a horrible boy and the whiplash was Horrendous#also if you cant tell i am indeed on my period and feel like too much and not enough lol i need to be alone for a little while
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One thing I've been wanting to mention since yesterday is that I've decided to go back to using a task manager to plan out my week--I did this all the time in college, and it helped me feel more in control, so I figured I'd bring it back as part of my many goals for this year. I've only been doing this for a day, but it's already helped a lot!
I put in my work shifts as tasks, and it helps me plan around them--I'm starting out with simple chores and self care, but later I want to try and add writing and drawing projects, so I can finally start making progress on all the ideas I have rattling around in my brain.
#it's helped me open up my schedule for more free time#I don't feel guilty spending hours on a game so long as I finish my tasks before the deadlines I assign them#and my app does repeating tasks‚ which I only just learned about after using it for ... four years?#anyway‚ I took a sub job for tomorrow‚ so I'll probably not be around until the evening ... Walpurisnacht ...#I'm obligated to make an appearance because of Heathcliff /lh /j#speaking of ... been thinking about him--as usual#I feel like I should be posting more‚ but that's difficult for me‚ right now‚ and I'm trying to give myself some grace#at the least‚ I'm trying to at least post or reblog something once a day--and I'm trying to comment and send asks!!#alright ... I have to go get ready for work‚ now#I just wanted to share this because I'm honestly pretty proud of my progress‚ even if it's just been one day#scattered pages
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Ok. Get closer why don’t you.
#Chakotay opens the door to Janeway's ready room and the two of them are literally in each other's laps#but they're talking very seriously about work business and seem unperturbed by Chakotay's entrance#<- my ideal (bc I think it's funny)#Chakotay: What are you and Tuvok to each other?#Janeway: ?? He's one of my dearest friends and most valuable officers.#Chakotay: Right. No..it's just that I saw you kiss his hand the other day? As if pledging loyalty to a monarch but more tender than that -#there was a glitter in your eyes like love but to call it 'love' would cheapen it so you leave it unnamed? I just saw that and was curious.#Janeway: That's just a friend thing v_v are we on for dinner?#Chakotay: Sure (later) Hey Tuvok what is Janeway to you?#Tuvok: She is one of the greatest individuals I have ever had the honor of knowing - someone I consider a friend - family -#and a piece of my very soul can be found within her. Why?#Chakotay: Aren't you married?#Tuvok: -equivalent of sighing- it isn't romantic. (right. yeah of course.)#<- my ideal (bc I think it's hilarious)#It isn't romantic Chakotay my God...Have you read any poetry lately? Once you get 1000 hours into ancient poetry THEN maybe you'll get#what's going on#Also sidenote this crew is fucking doomed mental health wise HEHEHE they tried therapy ONCE (after trying 'literally just erase the trauma')#and the therapist FELL ASLEEP#I love these bastards HEHEHEHE#Janeway: Doctor I'm going to do my best to help you...I allowed you to evolve into a being greater than a mere hologram and I owe it to you#to let youzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzsnorkmimimimi#tuvok cam
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as i said b4, cant wait til I'm 30 to experience my own yuri cherry maho. its gonna be great
#ive been trying in the past 8 months or so to give dating a go and I've concluded that 1. the apps arent for me also i cant rlly trust an#dating app profile to actually pick a good partner. 2. i hate texting. i prefer in person unplanned low intensity meeting much more.#and 3. I'm not ready for it yet. i want to spend these next 2 years being selfish. i feel like I've never actually been able to be purposely#self centered and frankly a bit selfish. I've never done that. ive always been compromising for false narratives and expectations in ny head#and I'm tired. i dont think i can be a good partner rn until ive had my fill of self centered ness b4 i can progress to a healthy medium.#I'm open and of the right person comes along i trust myself to not drive them away out of habit and hyper independence#but fuck yk. as mich as i want it. its nit for me. tho tbh i do think i should kiss random ppl in bars just once this year bc like.#i havent done that in .. oh god 6 years. mitski was right. one good movie kiss yk#but yea. hhh its 10pm i need to sleep but alas i cannot
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got like 1200 ish lines of code for a thing in like 2 hours yippeee
it's a thing to make it easier to modify stuff for mario kart 64 it'll make my life 1000x easier i just have to enter a few numbers in and out comes a file i can apply to the game with some other program instead of having to copy and paste stuff for like half an hour to an hour every time i want to make changes
a game changer you could say *gets dragged away by the neck like a cat*
#listen this is such a big deal to me#and only me bc i'm the only person in the world who cares about doing this very very specific thing for a very specific game#now after this is done i can get my changes to the game ready in like an hour at most depending on what i want to change#instead of a few hours#if i just wanna change stats and not characters that means i just open the program and put in the numbers then have the game ready in like#5 minutes#massive improvement#but yknow if i want to change the characters too then it's still gonna take a bit#like 30 minutes to an hour but still a massive improvement#anyways yeah you can probably tell i'm excited about this#once this is done i'll maybe start working on getting the proper graphics update to the game#it's gonna be a rebranding on my mk64 pokemon thing to make it distinct from another thing someone made that was called pokemon kart alread#didn't really care all that much before since i didn't want to make it public or at least not in mk64 circles but i do wanna share it more#now that i've put this much work into it#since i'm already using pmd sprites i might as well change it to something related to pmd so i'm gonna have to come up with a title for it#also have some fun character surprises for when i release the new rebranded version#since last time i showed it here there have also been a lot of new pokemon added but i have some i haven't shown yet to anyone#not even in the places i playtest with others (if you see this mo hi i have some more i haven't shown off ;3)#but it might be a while before i get that to a public release#we'll see#depends on how i feel about working on it these next few days#so it's gonna be a surprise release
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i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard
#right now its danganronpa again grin. did u know ive been into it on and off for lets say 7 years at this point#and ive never once played it myself. i have it installed on this laptop ready to go and i just! never open it!#because if Im the one playing it then i have to pay attention and i get scared#but if im watching a lets player i just naturally pay attention without the pressure#ive talked before how i always feel i need to have the smart cool takes on shit#n this deep plays into that#idk boti was good for me bcos nobody fucking knew what it was so nobody could judge me for pardoning anotsu's crimes bcos he was hot#so i probs need to do that again#yknow a thing where i disconnect from anything that anyone knows about and get really really into some dipshit manga from 2008#but also like. i get a lot of my media recs from people talking abt what they like#which then means i defacto have someone who is gonna know if my takes are shit#and like even now. im watching mop cycle w dri and im having fun w it#but i feel bad bcos i see so many ppl like This Is The Best Anime Ever and i just like. dont get it#like i can actively feel the messages and shit whooshing over my head#its a fine anime! i'm having fun watching it! but i don't get all the commentary abt pacifism or whatever#idk. something something my need to be The Smart Kid The Bookworm Kid that went unchecked too long without peers to challenge me#so now im here like Uh Oh#and like this wouldnt be the end of the world (save for its impact on my mood n stuff)#but also like. i am an english student. i should know this shit. but i stragiht up do not feel smart enough to sometimes#i keep coasting by on the assumption that im a smart kid and i'll automatically be better than my peers#and im being disproven#i got an english exam back tonight and i got like 63%#and i like college! i just dont like. college.#anywho its approaching 3am and i have a 9am tomorrow morning which means bedtime
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i see or hear alternative/punk rock content and arata screams at the top of his lungs to let him out
#sorry to be talking about yet another muse but i won't lie!! arata pops into my brain kinda often!!#i'm in my creating/revamping oc's era rn i guess asdf#bc maybe i could just kinda?? scratch all his original stuff and maybe the original stuff for all his bandmates too#refocus him a bit somehow#i'll always be attached to stand out!!'s original dynamic but i also think it'd be nice if i maybe left some of those connections open#for others to take? like you have a muse who would be the front man of a band?? or the drummer?? lead guitarist??#cool bc arata's a bassist!! play with him!! be his bandmate!!#also just thinking about him being the driving force behind the band -- he's the reason they get together#which was partially the concept before but not completely#i think this time i would want to focus more on the idea that arata pretty much loses stability at home once his parents divorce#his sister doesn't live with him anymore#so he's determined to build a new family even though he doesn't realize that's what he's doing#this band becomes his world not just bc he loves music but bc it's all that he feels he really has -- it keeps him sane#i dunno y'all asdfg i like the idea but should i bring our silly lil bassist back to bug everyone? am i doing too much :' )#also i'm back!! gonna try to get some things done now that it's quiet <3#get ready to ramble | ooc
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i can't find the post i made ages ago about the way chiyo kisses, but there's so much hunger in the way she kisses. she's pulling you closer, burying a hand in your hair or grabbing fistfuls of your shirt; there's a time and place for tenderness, but the first kiss? the first kiss is likely to be selfish and full of all the longing she's kept buried. she doesn't want to break away to breathe, doesn't want to let you out of her grasp, doesn't want there to be even a little bit of space between you. she's kept her distance for so long and doesn't want to anymore. she just wants you. it's all she's thinking. she wants you, and the voice of reason won't stop her this time.
#going a lil bit insane rn just a lil#and honestly only getting to write her kissing someone every once in a while isn't a bad thing bc the wait is very worth it :' )#now if someone smooches /her/ out of the blue i'm not complaining#but i like building chiyo up to the point that she's ready <3 or can't take it anymore asdfg#i sit before flowers & hope they will train me in the art of opening up | headcanons
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#i think one thing i really didn't prepare for w overnights is just how fucking lonely it is. like yeah 80% of the reason i took it was to#get away from customers but like. it worked. and the night shift team is v v small. there's only 4 of us and we've never been scheduled all#at once yet. and usually we're running around on completely opposite ends of the building going long periods of time without#radioing each other. and then i come home all amped up and the rest of my house is still asleep. and then when they wake up#it's just to get ready and go and we don't really have time to talk. and by the time they get back i'm sleeping#and it's my first night off and i can't fuck up my whole schedule i worked so hard to switch over to w them flipping me all over the place#so now i'm just like. sitting in the half light trying not to wake anybody up not doing anything. the only places near us open are#gas stations and i can't exactly loiter there and what would i do even if i could. and it's too cold to go for a walk or to the park#or something. and i feel like i haven't talked to another human being about something that wasn't related to work in years#and it's only been a week.#and we can listen to music or podcasts or something but our carts and machines are so loud you miss half of it. and we can't hold#super long conversations when we ARE in the same room for the same reasons. plus we all want to die so none of us feel like talking.#and just. im tired and lonely and want to sleep and im already regretting this but i'd feel bad for backing out now when they have so#few options and i volunteered for it in the first place#and then there's also like. even just doing my usual solitary thing at home feels so much more isolated bc there's not the noises#of other people existing nearby. the nearest signs of life are some coughing and then a car on the other side of the block#just. what am i even doing here.#tag ramble
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#i opened commissions 8pm. it's almost 11pm and all i received is 1 like. no dm. no message. nothing.#i know i have to be patient. i know it's still early. but i've lived up to this moment for months - this whole week especially#i'm really beginning to doubt my decision to open commissions. maybe i should've chosen to sell ready products. or nothing at all.#there were just so many people (mostly who i know irl) who said they'd looove to buy from me once they got the chance#but nothing.#idk. i just feel so insecure and doubtful. babe tried to talk it out of my head but i just can't shake the feeling.#it's partiality old pain. not feeling good enough. doubting my abilities. lack of friends. putting myself out there and not getting anythng#anyways. i just needed to empty my head. will probably delete this later#and ywah i notice the spelling errors but idc to type it all over again lol
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I keep my blinds (which block some but not all light) closed almost all the time and open my curtains (allegedly blackout curtains) if I'm going to be spending a decent amount of time in my room during daylight hours so I can use sunlight instead of electric light as much as possible. When exactly the curtains go open depends on what I'm doing for the day (and sometimes I forget and keep them closed all day long even if I'm in my room), but if they're open they stay open until I go to bed. Blinds only go open if I need extra light or want to look out the window. If there's someone out there with a less hinged curtain methodology I sure would like to hear it.
i have a slightly insane relationship with window curtains/blinds and i need to know if im alone
#usually I open the curtains once it's light enough out that the sun could light my full room#I don't think I ever open them right when I'm finished getting ready for the day#could be wrong though#people who keep the curtains open all day scare me though#as someone who will wake up at the slightest brush with sunlight
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I low-key love the fact that sci-fi has so conditioned us to expect to be hanging out with a bunch of cool space aliens, that legitimate, actual scientists keep proposing the most bizarre, three-blunts-into-the-rotation "theories" to explain the fact we're not.
Some of my favourites include:
Zoo Theory: What if there are loads of aliens out there, but they're not talking to us because of the Prime Directive from Star Trek? (Or because they're doing experiments on us???)
Dark Forest Theory: What if there are loads of aliens out there, but they all hate us and each other so they're all just waiting with a shotgun pointed at the door, ready to open fire on anything that moves?
Planetarium Theory: What if there's at least one alien with mastery over light and matter that's just making it seem to us that the universe is empty to us as, like, a joke?
Berserker Theory: What if there were loads of aliens, but one of them made infinite killer robots that murdered everyone and are coming for us next?!!
Like, the universe is at least 13,700,000,000 years old and 46,000,000,000 light years big. We have had the ability to transmit and receive signals for, what, 100 years, and our signals have so far travelled 200 light years?
The fact is biological life almost certainly has, does, or will develop elsewhere in the universe, and it's not impossible that a tiny amount of it has, does, or will develop in a way that we would understand as "intelligent". But, like, we're realistically never going to know because of the scale of the things involved.
So I'm proposing my own hypothesis. I call it the "Fool in a Field" hypothesis. It goes like this:
Humanity is a guy standing in the middle of a field at midnight. It's pitch black, he can't move, and he's been standing there for ages. He's just had the thought to swing his arms. He swings one of his arms, once, and does not hit another person. "Oh no!" He says. "Robots have killed them all!"
#shut up fermi you nerd#im not even sure interstellar travel is even possible#at least for any sort ot life we can comprehend#and maybe thats fine
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{more ooc posting on dash over here for tonight lmao, but~...}
have a sneaky peek at smth i've been working on for the past little while-- (and please open the pic for a proper view aaaa--)
#{|ooc post|}#dunno yet how hardcore the muses over here are gonna consume my brain lmao--#but~... i know for rn-- the projection is low-ish activity; once i get things ready enough to open up--#because many of the muses i plan to have here; are ones i need to refresh myself on the media for--#(in addition to needing to write up/update many of the about pages after said refresh--)#(but still-- i'm so glad to eventually be bringing some of these muses around/back-- after i lost their og blogs ages ago ; w ;)
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