#for what it's worth I appreciate my past self for writing it though...need my complex characters to stake my life on after all :)

[fierrochase-falafel]

Making a case for Xie Lian's complex morality in TGCF

Finally getting over myself and getting this one out of the drafts...

Disclaimer: Any MXTX book has a very divided fandom on whether practically all the characters are "good" or not- Hua Cheng, Xie Lian, Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng, Pei Ming, Luo Binghe. I feel the way MXTX writes is such that our own interpretation of the book can grow to be the very thing we love about it. So naturally I am going to start off by saying this is my interpretation of her work- you can disagree with me, sure, and I'd love to hear other people's thoughts, but I don't think it is something worth calling me wrong over. I'm not claiming to preach the 1 true reading or even claiming to be 'correct'- this is just my interpretation. This doesn't mean I don't find value in alternate interpretations, contradictory or otherwise. Please be nice to me!! :,)

Part I: Smart, but not smart

So anyways...there's this quote in book 3, when Xie Lian reveals Ling Wen as the creator of the Brocade Immortal, where this happens:

Ling Wen crossed her arms and shook her head. “Your Highness, someone like you…sometimes you’re smart, but sometimes you’re also not very smart; sometimes you’re soft-hearted, but sometimes you’re cold-hearted, too.”

And I've always loved this quote, it's arguably one of my favourites, because it emphasises what I think is the core of the story- to ascend is human, to fall is also human. What matters is appreciating that humanity, and nobody embodies this like Xie Lian. MXTX always pits together contradictions like this throughout the story: ascension with falling, soft-hearted with cold-hearted, laughing with crying. Humanity is a series of contradictions, and Xie Lian is the epitome of that. We see him saving a child with regal presence/grace and also drunkenly yelling swear words in a ditch; we see him calmly ascend to godhood at 17 and also almost violently kill a guy for insulting his street performance. Xie Lian is a man who can be kind, calm, endearing and spirited but also vengeful, bitter, jaded and broken. He has been naive and impulsive as well as strategic and controlled.

These differences often seem to happen at the same time in him, even. Xie Lian as a prince was still relatively calm and controlled, but it didn't stop him from being naive and desperate at various points too- sometimes at the same time. His decision in the Land of the Tender (T/W- to stab himself) was arguably a sign of him losing control of his senses yet remaining just on the cusp of controlling his actions. He is holding on to his no-sex cultivation by saying the Ethics Sutra and making the impulsive decision to turn his sword on himself voluntarily but also reacting sexually to the flower demons involuntarily. He is placed in situations where he is distinctly both in and out of control at the same time! Later when he's lying in a ditch (T/W- having stabbed himself AGAIN), there's a lens to it that he's waiting for someone to be kind to him, just once. He's optimistic in giving people a chance- hopeful and altruistic on some level while also being angry and bitter at nobody having helping him yet. In present day he's still impulsive at times but also level-headed, jaded and also optimistic. Hua Cheng fully recognises this in him, and his recognition of Xie Lian's utter humanity is what makes him the one person who truly understands Xie Lian.

"Your Highness, I understand your everything. Your courage, your despair; your kindness, your pain; your resentment, your hate; your intelligence, your foolishness."- Hua Cheng

Part II: Mass murder is...a big deal

Xie Lian is nowhere near perfect, like Feng Xin tends to see him, but neither is he just pretending to be altruistic to make people like him, as Mu Qing tends to believe. Both of them have these ideas in their heads of Xie Lian being amazing or awful, when really Xie Lian has the potential to be both, and that's what makes him, ultimately, just a human above all else. And Hua Cheng gets that about him, more than anyone else, which is important. Hua Cheng loves him and believes in him not because he is inherently, fundamentally good but because of who he is entirely. Part of that 'being' for Xie Lian is trying not to indulge his worst emotions, trying to be good as much as he can, but part of that 'being' includes parts of him that can't be perceived as 'good'. See, no matter how traumatised you are, and even though I'm not judging Xie Lian for his mental state, choking some man on the street almost to death is a no-go, okay.

Xie Lian's will to keep to his principles of what is right and wrong is one thing, but TGCF stretches these boundaries over and over as we watch Xie Lian's view evolve from being a child. I don't think Xie Lian is a 'good person' because he never strays from his values, because he does. Save the common people? The people of Yong'an he intended to mass massacre were the 'common people'. And yes he tried to save them before, and yes it took very little to make him not massacre the people of Yong'an, but the fact that this was something he started at all? He himself used Fangxin to collect the souls from the battlefield- no matter how much he subconsciously wanted to believe in the worth of humanity with his self-stabbing social experiment, he created the conditions necessary to commit mass murder and that in itself is a sign that a part of him meant to go through with it. This isn't just a byproduct of his rage, a response befitting of an uncaring society, no, this is a big deal, and I don't think we can still argue Xie Lian is / has always been a beacon of virtue. Xie Lian isn't just flawed in ways that are easy to forgive, it's not just that he's inherently 'good' with flaws such as impulsivity or naivety that do not really reflect on his moral character. He is also morally flawed, in a way all humans can be but may find it hard to recognise within themselves.

To be fair to the guy, most humans don't have their kingdoms destroyed, their bodily autonomy violated and all their loved ones gone from their lives. Particularly not the first one. For trauma of such epic proportions and disasters of such epic proportions, this intense of a response to commit mass murder isn't shocking. Given his exposure to all this power through his godhood and descent, the power to commit mass murder is less massive-seeming than needing the power to save his own people from it. Given the deaths of so many Xianle inhabitants, this is almost an eye-for-an-eye response: something which some people or cultures may see as morally righteous (the Locrians in Ancient Greece were huge on this, for instance) and some see as morally wrong. However, the way I see it that does not make potential mass murder easily ethically justifiable. MXTX doesn't shy away from giving us insight into Xie Lian's vulnerable and broken mental state and reasons for attempting this, but his actions are still consequential in a huge way. Had he committed the murder; had he not been pulled up by the farmer or had he not found it in him to stop, would we view him as morally good? Could we? What if he did murder the Yong'an citizens but then realised how awful that was then, and spent the rest of his life trying to be good? It feels a bit like a cop-out to say, "well, he didn't do it so that's that", because even the idea, the intention of him doing it and the fact it almost happened raises so many questions about how much blame would be attribute to him if the people of Yong'an really were killed. Even if Xie Lian hadn't done it himself: if he failed to stop Bai Wuxiang from killing them all, for instance. If he were stabbed over and over again but his body couldn't take it, if the rest of the people of Yong'an weren't willing to stab him, and Wu Ming didn't take the bullet then what? It's not like Bai Wuxiang had any reason to go out of his way to call the spirits of Yong'an to Fangxin, for to him the biggest matter was getting Xie Lian to do it and solidify the latter's allegiance to resentment and apathy (just like himself). That would have been done by Xie Lian's hand, and how much the consequences would lay on Xie Lian's head is really difficult to think about. Even if he'd have done his utmost to stop it, but it would've happened atleast partially because of him.

Part III: Morality measured

It's interesting to consider how we measure morality as individuals- somewhere in-between intentions and consequences we diverge, and this tension is what fuels MXTX's conflicts. This is why it's so hard to assign blame in TGCF. Shi Wudu's intentions with the fate-swap were not malicious at all but the consequences for He Xuan were utterly disastrous, and that's on Shi Wudu. Quan Yizhen's intentions were never to make Yin Yu feel bad, but his obliviousness and shining talent hurt Yin Yu anyways. Of course, Yin Yu was the one who kept silent until he couldn't take it anymore, and said the worst possible thing at the worst possible time even if all he wanted was to be nice to Quan Yizhen and not project his feelings onto him. Book 3 contains an increase in these dynamics where the intentions and consequences are SO vastly incongruent that it plays with what morality means, encouraging you to ask: "Who do you believe was in the right?" "Do you think anyone here is or isn't entitled to what they want?" "Is there any way to objectively assign blame here, or are some scenarios too complicated for there to be a direct conflict of right and wrong?" So when it comes to Xie Lian, all that he could have been and all that he is, book 4 naturally stretches the limits of his heart being in paradise.

In conversations I have had or opinions I've seen on this platform and others, people's opinions on how much Xie Lian caused aspects of his own downfall range from "he did absolutely nothing wrong ever" to "he was the epitome of hubris and ignorance", the latter usually accompanied by a favourable analysis towards another character such as Mu Qing. When getting into MDZS, I was reminded of this when seeing Wei Wuxian-Jiang Cheng discourse actually, people talking about Wei Wuxian as a model of goodness who never hurt anyone unless his hand was forced (as if the Wen Chao toruture scene didn't happen) or as an irresponsible and disloyal rascal (as if he wasn't protecting defenseless people including JC's rescuers in the Burial Mounds). This sort of range can be seen with many characters in TGCF: particularly with Xie Lian, Hua Cheng and Mu Qing but you also get many for Jun Wu, He Xuan, Shi Wudu and the like. Xie Lian, as the main character, is possibly the most complicated of them all. The series is in his perspective, he recognises and regrets both his glory days and his fall from grace- the former due to his naivety and the latter due to his resentment. Since then all of the plots he has involved himself in have involved him taking on as much of the pain as physically possible for himself because his desire to help other people flourished again alongside and mingled with his shame and lasting trauma. He is ashamed of both his highest and lowest moments for not being able to offset the consequences, but while you're reading the story it feels very often like there's nothing else he could have done. Partially because (although this is debatable imo) this is somewhat from his perspective despite the 3rd person narrative, so we know what he's like before anyone else. Plus, with how book 2 plays out like a classic tragedy where his greatest strength (will to help his people despite tradition) becomes his greatest weakness, it's the age-old question of how much he can be held accountable for his kingdom's downfall or how much was completely out of his control or in the hands of fate.

One take I remember very strongly that was quite popular was about MXTX's characters being ultimately morally good characters, in which Xie Lian's character was said to not change or develop. Rather, Xie Lian has always been inherently morally good and TGCF is about the world around him not rewarding that goodness yet Xie Lian remaining good and pure-hearted all the way through no matter what, even in his darkest times. While this may be an interpretation some people have, I think it's more complicated than that. Xie Lian's morality was seemingly very clear-cut in book 2 because he had no huge reason not to be 'good'. Yeah sure, he was chastised for saving a child during the lantern festival parade, but nothing was genuinely going to happen to him. He was the crown prince! The stakes for him were never as high, and he had no reason to believe he could fail at all. When put to the test, given the fact he did set up the conditions for the immediate slaughter of Yong'an, I don't think any goodness automatically present in his character was being channelled in his decision. Morality can be as easy as "I want to always do what's right" when you have money and security, but becomes more difficult when you're consumed by grief and rage, or when you've lost everything you once had. Morality is more than an inherent aspect to one's character, and how we perceive someone's moral nature depends on their intentions, their choices, the consequences of those choices and whether they accept responsibility and accountability for the other 3 things.

Part IV: Complexity is the key

Having said all this, I hope it's clear I am NOT saying Xie Lian is an immoral character. In fact, I WOULD argue that he is a 'good' person, that is, a person who embodies what goodness would look like despite all the complications involved. What I'm saying here is that he is a good person not because he always sticks to his standards/beliefs, or even that he always believes in his own standards, but because he chooses to try to believe. In humanity, in the power of his own actions, in the kindness of strangers after he was shown kindness once himself. And this is something earned and learned, not something he had in the beginning. In the beginning it came natural to him because he had the privilege of that as Crown prince. "If something goes wrong, I'll fix it, and everyone around me will always be looking out for my best interests even if I disagree with them. Murder is wrong, following the path to ascension is the ultimate good." etc. etc. When he has to face the world as someone with nothing, those are the experiences that mould his current day understanding of why people do the things they do even if they seem completely morally wrong. Why people would stab someone knowing they would feel the pain, why people would murder someone, why they might steal or rage or drink. And in most cases, it can be hard to judge someone as completely morally wrong for doing actions deemed morally wrong if you believe intention has any bearing on morality.

Xie Lian to me is not inherently good, but someone who chooses to try to be a good person, thus arguably being a good person. And I would defend him as such on that premise, not because his righteous morals have remained static and intact throughout the novels. It isn't that he didn't choose to be good as a child, but he didn't really have to TRY because he hadn't faced the sort of crisis that shook his foundations and forced him to grow, understanding and adapting to the complexity of living in the real world. Where you fail, where falling upon hard times can force you to resort to things you once thought beneath you. Where your actions have power over your circumstances, but your circumstances also hold power over you whether you like it or not. The root of Xie Lian's compelling character, for me, is in his growth from a man with a static morality to a man with moral complexity. A belief in one's principles that accounts for its limits and recognises its flaws in the face of circumstance, and adapts accordingly. It's not like Xie Lian wanted to betray and murder the Yong'an king who was so kind to him, and to actively do that seems pretty horrible until you remember he did it to save a whole group of people, Xianle descendants. Xie Lian still blames himself for this in book 1 even though in this act he saved numerous civilians, but Hua Cheng reminds him that he made that choice for a good reason, and has faith in Xie Lian's choices.

Speaking of the devil...Hua Cheng, even though he loves all of Xie Lian, does not love him blindly or without consideration of the worst parts of himself. He would follow Xie Lian into the abyss of his mental state but still try to help Xie Lian out of the sort of guilt, back from the point of no return. One interpretation of his refusal to let Xie Lian kill Lang Ying is that he wanted Xie Lian to not have Lang Ying's blood on his hands as well. If this would affect any future cultivation or make him feel any more guilty in the future. He also tried to gently tell Xie Lian that he still has believers to calm him down when he sees the white flower. However, to Hua Cheng, whatever Xie Lian would've chosen in the end would still be a decision taken by the same Xie Lian, and Hua Cheng would follow Xie Lian no matter whether he's engaged in the worst parts of himself or not. I think it's very easy for us to assign a specified amount of goodness to a character based on just 1 thing- be it just their intentions or just their choices or just the consequences of their actions. A few sample assumptions I've seen (that do not reflect wider society or anything, these are just opinions I've seen around online): To want to save people is good, therefore Xie Lian is good. Hua Cheng has no qualms about killing 33 gods for Xie Lian, so he must be amoral. But the nature of what is good is variable- under the light of different interpretations, Xie Lian is more morally grey and Hua Cheng is more morally inclined than those assumptions would give them credit for. My point essentially is that many characters, but Xie Lian in particular, are more complicated than we sometimes give them credit for. It's also why he's so easily put up against Jun Wu- someone who is the antagonist and committed several heinous crime, but also parallels what Xie Lian at his worst could have been. If Jun Wu really did repent on everyone he damaged at the end of the novels, you can't call him a good person just based on newfound intent and he can't be so easily forgiven, but to imply alternatively that after all he's done he will always be a bad man and that's that...doesn't sit right with me either. Of course, the question of Jun Wu seems even more complicated somehow, funnily enough.

I think when I first read TGCF years back, Xie Lian is the character who showed me not to judge multidimensional characters or people on a consistent metric of goodness but rather on numerous aspects of how they live that can change over time and leaves room for circumstantial flexibility. I also think that acknowledging complexity in how we view morality in each other can allow us to gain a better understanding of what it is to be a human. And in my view, what makes Xie Lian such a well-written character is that he's nothing if not a human.

[gisenchy]

drinking from a poisoned well (from my tinyletter)

I wonder if I will ever stop trying to find myself in the culture I consume. I also wonder if the culture I consume is as much of a mirror as I think it is - does it have anything to do with me? Does it reflect me? And by reflect I mean does it tell you something about who I am, what matters to me, what I stand for? 

Kanye West recently released his album Donda. As a reformed Kanye West fan, I’ve tried to find the words to describe the dull yet pulsing ache I feel when I think about his music and the impact that he has had on my life, whether I like it or not. I’ve issued a blanket mute to anyone I see posting that they are listening to his album...an album which I don’t need to listen to to know that it isn’t good. But more than the quality of the music itself, I don’t need to listen to the album because I don’t need to support his public alignment with accused and convicted rapists and sexual deviants, homophobes, anti-Semites, and misogynists. I have several problematic faves, but I don’t have 1 hour and 48 minutes to find out if anything on Donda is worth seeing past the list of collaborators, and the glaring lack of women in an album dedicated to his late mother. I don’t know the answer, I don't want to know, and I don't want to care.

Maybe that is the name for that dull, pulsing ache. Care. But not in the sense of, I care for you. In the sense of somehow this affects me with clear undertones of I wish it didn’t.  Like seeing an embarrassing photo of yourself from years ago. Or like this week, I got a request from someone who asked about Fly Art prints. Toni and I have only spoken publicly (lol) about the slow death of Fly Art once and it is as simple as the two of us not being interested in the project anymore and also as complex as my (I can’t speak for Toni) relationship to the music and artists that I love and follow. 

I have loved rap music for a finite amount of time. I think it came about as a result of having dabbled in dance, and also my appreciation for a good fucking beat. I admired the brashness with which a rapper could admit their (though it was often his) faults while also boasting of their success. As a very self-conscious yet vaguely confident (in the right context!) person, I saw myself reflected in the tricky balance between humility and the skill of embodying my own self. I promise! I am! So self-conscious. Rap, and by extension hip-hop fed my soul. When I first moved to Sydney, I attended a Yeezus show in total nosebleed seats. Kanye played the intro to Runaway twice after asking who in the audience was hearing it live for the first time. It was one of the best concerts I had ever been to. I still chase this same feeling: the distance from the stage bridged through shared, mutual adoration. 

I leaned on Fly Art as part of my personality until the proverbial reed broke. I thought it made me cool and influential. I loved the attention so much. And it was fucking fun! Until we tried to make money off of it (We succeeded though) and it became a job. It was no longer fun, more than a cool hobby that made me feel cool and popular. And I just stopped listening to hip-hop. My taste in music changed, and it seemed that every rapper I admired was on a mission to remind me they were straight cishet men doing straight cishet men things, including:

Denying the existence of slavery, supporting one of the actual worst presidents of the United States, which is saying something considering they’re all fucking hacks (Kanye West)

Appearing to have groomed young women...and giving R FUCKING KELLY A WRITING CREDIT IN 2021 (Drake)

Threatening to boycott Spotify if they didn’t return the music of someone who abused their partner (Kendrick Lamar for xxxtentacion, weird tbh)

Fighting with women who were trying to encourage the general public to read??? (J. Cole, in an odd bid against literacy)

Featuring Chris Brown (unfortunately too many to name)

In summary, just a lot of stuff that left a bad taste in my mouth and left me questioning what I had signed up for. What my support meant. Worse, what did my profiting off of the work of black artists say about me across the ugly ugly backdrop of gender-based violence, systemic racism and police brutality? The slow death of Fly Art was really just the same story over and over again: people change and they indeed realise things. They do not condone misogyny and misinformation, which I strive to do. I also cannot stand albums longer than 16 tracks. Who even has the time?

That isn’t to say I don’t listen to any rap or hip-hop music at all. There is still a lot of it on rotation!!! But I can’t think of anything more exhausting than seeing Donda on my feed multiple times. I don’t have to listen to the album. I cannot believe how hard I stanned this man. Part of my disgust and anger is definitely directed towards me. There is an endless bowl of shame in there. I often call myself a “reformed Kanye West fan” because there is so much of his music that I love. And I resent him so deeply now because the more he continues to do *gestures vaguely* whatever this is, the more poisoned the well feels. 

I understand that it is possible to like problematic people and to support artists or people in general who aren’t perfect. It is inevitable that everyone has fucked up at least once in their life. It feels like I’m reliving a cycle of disappointment that I feel for myself when I make a mistake or when I am unkind. Ha, maybe the point isn’t to find yourself in what’s out there, but to find it (speak to the manager) within. Maybe I just feel envious of people who are able to separate the art from the artist? 

On the other hand, fuck that. There is a line. In a world that is rapidly taking away a woman’s right to her own body, where we are constantly in a deluge of violence of all sorts from men in power, I cannot believe that people I know are still listening to Kanye West! Openly!!!! Is any gesture of support worth the pain inflicted by the men I mentioned above? There will eventually be a time when I stop drinking from this bowl of shame, alienation and just straight up anger, but at the very least I know my answer. I want people to know that this shit doesn't sit right with me, because how else can we demand for something better? That’ll be enough. It has to be enough. 

[writingwithcolor]

Iam wanting to write a story about a girl who has asthma, a learning disability and is considered by society to be less than average. She is also a little over weight. When she has been given immortality other immortals shun her and want her dead. To escape from this she goes to a martial arts temple in China. She is also an American. I was wondering how I could incorporate both cultures in my story?

Overweight Chinese American girl with asthma & learning disability, martial arts, & China

Disclaimer: I’ve written this response assuming that the main character herself is Chinese or Chinese-American. 

Some stuff I’d like to discuss point-by-point:

Being an Asthmatic

Asthmatics don’t exactly have the best representation in media, so I’m worried about a non-Asthmatic writing a story where the main conflict is centered around the MC’s method of coping with ableism.

Especially considering how we’re portrayed as stereotypical nerds/geeks for not being absolute athletes (haha maybe because pushing ourselves that far will literally result in an asthma attack-)

I have a feeling that in addition to the point where Chinese people are already stereotyped as nerds, having her be asthmatic as well does mean you’ll have to be more careful in how you present her. We already have the whole “model minority, East Asian = nerd” thing going for us.

Being “overweight”

America’s definition of “overweight” looks different for all kinds of people! 

Someone who’s statistically considered “overweight” by American standards might pass as being “average” (in American standards once again) and vice-versa! The existence of the word actually insinuates the existence of an ideal weight-- pretty fatphobic.

If you mean to say that she’s fat, chubby, and/or plump, then do so. Don’t dance around the term just because it’s deemed ‘undesirable’ by our Eurocentric beauty standards. 

(Additionally, being chubby is associated with the nerd trope as well. More to watch out when developing her character.)

Mod Rune mentions the specific way you’ve phrased how as a result of her being overweight and asthmatic, she’s “considered by society to be less than average” and she’s shunned/wanted dead specifically for these two reasons.

Being disabled =/= incompetency or being less than an abled person. Once again, an OwnVoices situation would make sense; However I would still worry about infantilizing Asthmatic/chubby people this way.

The plot… oof.

I’m worried that your method of combating the already-delicate conflict (that she’s looking for a way to cope with her feelings of inadequacy induced by ableism/fatphobia), is pretty insulting. You specifically word her trip to China as an “escape” which I feel could have a much better reason-- your excuse as is sounds to lead into a story of “refinding myself at the home of my birth culture” or something like that- especially with the fact that she’ll be doing this at a martial arts temple. A very cultural aspect of China.

Martial Arts?

That being said; Even though a Chinese martial artist does feel rather stereotypical, it does help with asthma (source: me and Taekwondo)

Specifically, according to this study from NCBI on the correlation between asthmatic children and Taichichuan, results have shown that “12 weeks of Tai-Chi-Chuan could improve the pulmonary function, decrease airway inflammation, and improve quality of life in children with mild asthma”.

However Northern Shaolin, Hung Ga, Wing Chun, and other Chinese forms of martial arts could work as well! Please do research on the specific techniques and differentiate between them. Appropriating Chinese martial arts on top of the fact that it’s already rather tropey- very bad.

A different plot?

Perhaps don’t send her off to China to quote, "escape from how other [immortals shun her and want her dead]". 

I think a better motivation for this change in landscape would be “She wanted to train to get stronger and improve her health with how it was negatively impacted because of her asthma.” 

The thing with a lot of disabled people is that-- we don’t want to have to “keep up” with abled people. We don’t want to need to take all these extra measures just to be able to function ‘normally’ (or at least the one defined by society). I feel that the motives in your original plot panders to that idea that she must get stronger or else she’ll never be accepted by the other immortals. A Chinese-American asthmatic myself, I’d much rather see her self-worth measured through her own growth as an individual than how well she ‘fits in’ with non-asthmatics.

Marika mentions that people also often do martial arts for culturally-relevant exercise-- so this could also be a way for her to reconnect with her birth culture.

Sophia also mentions that being overweight has little on one’s skills as a martial artist; So it shouldn’t be used as an argument as to why someone shouldn’t be taking on a certain expertise. (Seconded, as someone who did kendo: some of the better kendoka were overweight and had more precision than I did --Jess)

Incorporating TCK Culture:

Look for stuff written by actual Chinese-American third-culture kids!

Every little part of life- from the stories parents tell their kids before bed to the kind of food we eat daily- is 100% influenced by both our caregivers and the community we live in. For me personally, we’d have hotpot dinners with other Asian families during the Lunar New Year and I’d typically be sent to Chinese school on Sundays as well. 

Mods Jess and Lesya touch up on some TCK elements in this ask as well! (Wanting to Learn More About Culture Because of Chinese Name) However your MC celebrates her cultures will also depend on how assimilated into America her family is.

Like I said earlier: look for materials that Chinese-American TCKs and immigrants have written! There’s no better way to learn about certain customs than getting them from the actual source.

My ending thoughts!

These are honestly traits that I’d love to see more, as an asthmatic Chinese-American myself who has done martial arts in the past, haha.

Be extra careful when a ton of your character’s traits are found in East Asian (Chinese) caricatures! Be sure to flesh her out as a three-dimensional character as this description that you’ve given us (regarding her conflict) makes me go >.>-- I don’t like it as is.

Give her motivations for herself that aren’t purely to conform to others (per the submissive Asian girl trope). Having a bullied Asian girl does feel like it plays into this, so please don’t have her measure her worth as an individual based off of the standards set by abled people!

Do tons of research on Chinese martial arts! Marika mentions huge points below that I want you to consider when giving her a specific speciality-- just saying “a martial arts temple” doesn’t cut it. 

(As always, any reader feedback/additions would be appreciated!)

~ Mod Emme

These are my thoughts as someone who has practiced various styles of Chinese martial arts. 

While the quality of the instructor and the student’s efforts are crucial, I think you need to be clear on the following:

The style of martial arts your character will be doing

Their physical limitations

The type of learning disability they have. 

Different fighting styles suit the limitations of different body types in different ways

A person who is overweight may find styles with explosive movements that put weight on vulnerable joints like the knees to be painful. Styles that favor stable stances may be more feasible than those that emphasize movements with lots of air time, crouching and jumping.

A person who is inflexible will need a style that encourages them to keep limber to avoid getting hurt.

A person with diminished lung capacity will need a style that safely challenges their endurance.

Different learning disabilities might make certain styles more or less difficult to learn

ADHD may favor fast fighting styles with complex move sets and a wide variety of weapons.

Issues associated with memory retention may make styles that emphasize sparring easier than those that focus on memorizing forms

Make no mistake, the culture of a style will be as much of a consideration for your character as the Chinese and American cultural influences. Do your research, and inquire with practitioners as to what styles would work well for your characters. 

The tumblr blog How to Fight Write would likely be a good resource on the physical logistics of different styles. 

- Marika

[vrishchikawrites]

Its a prompt! (And dont worry about it, absolutely love reading your writing XD) Okay so dimension travel, so we all agree in a world where WWX was raised in another sect (like Lan/Nie) That he would be absolutely adored by them and everyone, healthy relationships( even Jin Zixuan and Wei Wuxian wouldn't be on a bad term much because no WWX JYL interaction) so! Canon!WWX from post ssc timeline gets transmigrated/summoned to one of these worlds where hes raised by either Lan or Nie so 1/2

They're a bit confused seeing WWX in black clothes, and seeing his gaunt/tired appearance and him being so on guard around them (since he's usually open and loved) that they ask him why is it so? Does he not know Lan Xichen/Nie Mingjue back from whicher place he came from, and Wei Wuxian goes 'Ive met them/we're not close' they ask 'sorry if its a bit personal but who were you raised by?' and WWX replies the Jiangs and cue everyone horrified cuz Jiangs areopen in their heavy dislike of WWX2/2

'It's my fault.' Nie Huaisang thinks as he frantically collects all the materials needed, 'It is my fault, I need to fix this.'

His er-ge was gone. His brother, Da-ge's pride and joy, the shining star of the Nie Clan.

Gone. Just like that.

One minute they're on an easy nighthunt and the next, Wei Wuxian is pushing him away to take an attack straight to his chest.

He knows his brother is gone. His body may be alive, but just barely. He's drowning in his own blood and there's nothing Nie Huaisang can do. There's no cognition in his eyes, that bright silver gaze is dull and blank.

He has to do something.

The ritual may not work. It came with so many warnings that Nie Huaisang lost the patience to read them all the way through. If something goes wrong, it goes wrong.

"Huaisang! What are you doing?!" Da-ge's voice is loud but Nie Huaisang doesn't pay any attention to it. The room is sealed and it would take da-ge some time to break through it.

"Nie Huaisang!"

Good, Lan Xichen is here. He'll take care of da-ge if something goes wrong.

"Huaisang!" There's a loud crash but he doesn't pay any attention to it, "Stop! Don't do something stupid."

"I need to save him. It is my fault, I need to save him!"

"Huaisang!"

There's a bright red flash and it drowns out everything.

---

Miraculously, he survives.

His fledgling Golden Core has shattered and melted into nothing, but he has survived.

And he has done it.

"Does your stupidity known no bounds?" Da-ge demands as Lan Wangji kneels by er-ge's bed and feeds him potent spiritual energy.

Wei Wuxian is alive. His cognition is intact and his Golden Core is stable but he's soaked in Resentful Energy.

"You destroyed your Golden Core, Huaisang! There's no recovering from it!"

"Wouldn't you do the same?" He demands, turning around to look at his oldest brother. He ignores Lan Xichen's alarmed voice and focuses on Nie Mingjue, "Is his life worth less than my Golden Core?"

Da-ge locks his jaw but doesn't reply. Of course, Wei Wuxian's life is worth more than a Golden Core.

"Huaisang," Lan Xichen sighs, "a-Xian wouldn't have wanted this."

"Look at Wangji-xiong and tell me that again." He says bluntly. He is tired and drained but no one can convince him that reviving er-ge wasn't the right choice.

Xichen-ge doesn't reply because no one can look at the devastated expression on Lan Wangji's face and say it wasn't worth it.

Huaisang doesn't feel the absence of the core as keenly as someone else might. He had only developed it during the Sunshot Campaign, after all.

He isn't like er-ge or Wangji-xiong, with their powerful cores and potent spiritual energy. The loss would've been devastating to them but is only an afterthought to him.

---

They realize something is off when Wei Wuxian opens his eyes and looks at them with distant wariness instead of familiar affection. He looks around and is instantly on guard, "Where... Why am I here?"

He looks directly at Wangji-xiong, "Lan Zhan? What are you... Have you brought me here?" He demanded, his expression shifting to something hostile, "Are we in Gusu?"

"Wei-gongzi," Xichen-ge calls for his attention, "I know you're very confused but please don't be alarmed. We're in your home at the Unclean Realm, not in Gusu."

Er-ge narrows his eyes and Huaisang recognizes that expression, even though it has never been directed towards them. A look of cool calculation as er-ge tries to decipher their motives. "My home?" He asks.

Wangji-xiong knows er-ge almost as well as they do. He reaches forward, "Wei Ying, let us explain, please."

It appears that this Wei Wuxian is just as vulnerable to Wangji-xiong as his brother had been because he softens immediately. His body is still tense but he seems to be willing to listen.

"You died in this world, saving Huaisang's life." Da-ge begins gruffly. Huaisang winces at the bluntness but er-ge seems to appreciate it, his sharp gaze focusing on their elder brother, "Yes, this world," Da-ge confirms, "Our didi decided he wouldn't tolerate it and decided to use one of our forbidden rituals to revive you. He didn't read things clearly. The ritual dragged your soul from another world and placed you in his body."

Er-ge's expression is skeptical, "Our didi..."

Wangji-xiong sucks in a sharp breath, "Wei Ying," His brother's gaze moves to his 'best friend', "You are Wei Wuxian, 23 years old, the Head Disciple of QingheNie Sect, the adopted younger brother of Nie Mingjue and older brother to Nie Huaisang. You were adopted by the former Nie-zongzhu when you were six years old."

Er-ge stares at Wangji-xiong in stunned disbelief but there's no denial in his expression.

No wonder, Wangji-xiong never lies. That must be true in his world as well.

"a-Xian," Er-ge winces and looks at Xichen-ge, "You need to rest and recover. Your Golden Core is stab-"

Er-ge gasps and immediately sits up, placing his hand on his chest. He closes his eyes and almost violently summons his spiritual energy.

"Wei Ying!" Wangji-xiong calls out in alarm but his brother doesn't pay any attention, his focus entirely inward.

"I have my Golden Core back..." Er-ge breathes, astonished but his skin goes white and he loses consciousness.

They exchange stunned glances before scrambling forward to check on him.

---

No one can deny Wei Wuxian has changed. It takes a month for his body to recover but his heart is still unsteady. He puts on every appearance of being alright, but Huaisang has grown up with this man. He knows something is off.

It is only when er-ge decides he needs to start training again that things start to become clear. Er-ge has trained all of his life to fight with a Dao. His movements are powerful and aggressive, designed to overwhelm the enemy.

Er-ge's mind, however, is accustomed to the traditional Jian. He seems to expect his movements to be lighter, faster. More agile and less powerful.

The dissonance makes him clumsy and he loses his first fight against Lan Wangji in a long time.

"Wei Ying?" Wangji-xiong frowns, "Your movements."

Da-ge has his concerned scowl on and he grabs Baxia, stepping into the training field, "With me, Wuxian."

This fight is faster and more brutal. Huaisang almost wants to protest but he can see er-ge adjust and adapt quickly.

His eyes gain a razor-sharp focus and his battle instincts come to the fore. "Good," Xichen-ge observes, "He's accepting his body."

Indeed, he is. Against da-ge's overwhelming force, there's nothing er-ge can do but react instinctively. They engage in several bouts and keep at it for over a shichen.

By the end of it, er-ge is exhausted but faintly triumphant.

"Lan Zhan, again!"

"Wei Ying, you need rest." Wangji-xiong says with a shake of his head, "Don't strain yourself."

"Why were you fighting like you wanted to wield a Jian, didi?" Da-ge asks sternly, "You were hesitant and weak in some strikes."

Er-ge grimaces and Xichen-ge steps forward. It has been over a month and though er-ge has seen how much they all care for him, he remains wary.

"a-Xian," Xichen-ge begins gently, "You weren't a part of the Nie Clan in the past, were you?"

Da-ge's scowl deepens at the thought of er-ge belonging to anyone else but them. They had suspected something like this, of course. But they had hoped that er-ge would've still been a part of the Nie Sect if not the Clan.

Er-ge remains wary but sighs, "No."

"Not the Lans," Xichen-ge observes astutely, "Not the Jins either. Were you a rogue cultivator? Or from a smaller sect?"

Er-ge studies him before shaking his head, "I was the Head Disciple of the Jiangs."

"What?" Wangji-xiong asks, his voice uncharacteristically sharp, "Jiangs?"

Da-ge looks furious and Xichen-ge seems pained. No wonder, given how... problematic the Jiang situation is. That family is entirely unsuitable for someone as loving and giving as his er-ge!

Jiang Wanyin is a complex mix of pride and insecurity. He lags behind all sect heirs, though Huaisang is fairly certain their batch of cultivators is particularly skilled. Er-ge and Wangji-xiong are exceptional in every way and Jin Zixuan is barely a few steps behind.

In the face of such competition, skilled but ordinary cultivators can't help but be overshadowed.

Jiang Fengmian, according to da-ge, is a meek little imitation of his former self. The man that pursued er-ge's mother had been strong and wise. He had the skill, political acumen, and grace to be an admirable Sect Leader.

His marriage to Yu Ziyuan ruined him.

And Yu Ziyuan is a nightmare. The one time she met Wei Wuxian, she had left such an impression that da-ge had cut all ties with the Jiang Sect until its Madam apologized to the Nie Sect Head Disciple.

That hadn't gone down well and the relationship between them is still sour.

"Do you want to return to them?" He blurts out, unable to help himself. If Jiangs are this Wei Wuxian's family then maybe-

"No."

They still because that's a very firm no. It is a complete and utter rejection of the very thought of it.

"No."

---

Getting the whole story out of er-ge is like pulling teeth but between Wangji-xiong's pleas, Xichen-ge's gentle questions, da-ge impassioned demands, and his own begging, they manage.

This Wei Wuxian doesn't love them yet but he sees their love for him clearly. That softens his heart and they get to hear every painful, excruciating aspect of his past life.

Wangji-xiong looks furious, da-ge paces, Xichen-ge is pale, but all of that doesn't matter.

He recognizes the look on er-ge's face. He has never seen it on him before, but he recognizes it.

Er-ge expects them to reject him. To abandon him for his 'sins'.

"Well, I don't have a Golden Core. Can you teach me Demonic Cultivation?"

"Huaisang!" Is yelled from almost every direction but he only has eyes for his older brother.

He sees those tired silver eyes study him for a moment before they soften completely, turning into the color of liquid moonlight. "You brat," Er-ge murmurs affectionately, "The thought of you wielding that power is nothing short of terrifying."

"But er-ge! Can you leave me defenseless, just like that? Don't you feel sorry for me-"

"Huaisang!" Da-ge snaps, "Stop trying to manipulate your brother!"

"Really, a-Sang, it isn't right for you to-"

Er-ge laughs. It's familiar, loud, and openly joyous. Silver eyes sparkle as he looks at them, "Don't worry, da-ge, he's a hundred years too early to manipulate me."

Wangji-xiong huffs, "Wei Ying."

"Lan Zhan," Er-ge teases, "How is that you manage to reprimand me by only saying my name? Shall I try it too? Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan!"

"And they're flirting again." He murmurs under his breath, drawing an amused look from Xichen-ge.

"Perhaps we really need to start betrothal negotiations," Xichen-ge says and da-ge scoffs.

"Not going to happen unless you're willing to part with your brother. Mine is my heir. He's not marrying into the Lans."

"Da-ge, be reasonable-"

Huaisang tunes them out and waves his fan in front of his face, his mind whirling.

He doesn't care about er-ge's marriage negotiations. He has bigger fish to fry.

Really, those Jins and Jiangs are getting too bold.

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x9 thoughts

It’s no secret that I absolutely adore Coach Beard; he’s one of my favorite characters on the show, and he’s so well-written and well-acted that somehow I tend to be both perfectly satisfied with the details we see and truly curious to understand more about the way he thinks, what’s really happening re: his professional and personal devotion to Ted, where he comes from and where he’s going. I don’t need to know his name beyond the name he wants to be called, but I want to know why we don’t have any other names for him. And I don’t need him to be a bigger focal point of every episode, but I very much needed this episode’s world-exploding reminder that every single character on this show has a rich inner life, full of joys and troubles.

“Beard After Hours” is like a movie, but one that scatters its climaxes and puts off its resolutions...because it’s not a movie. It’s episode nine of a twelve-episode season of TV. When the episode ended, I felt this almost frantic “But he needed to break up with Jane for good before the end of the episode!” feeling. I was so pulled in by the idea of being able to tell an entire story in one night, of going on an odyssey alongside a complicated hero, that watching Beard and Jane find each other in that club felt as intense as the fact that we don’t know if Ted responded to Rebecca’s voicemail and we don’t know what’s going to happen with Rebecca and Sam and we don’t know who isn’t getting married and who is having a funeral in 2x10 (I mean, I have my strong suspicions, but still!) and we don’t know if Richmond will be promoted back to the Premier League. And on and on. I didn’t mind feeling desperate for the story to resolve even though I understood after thinking about it for ten seconds that of course it couldn’t resolve yet. Or ever. Or yet.

I’m a big fan of the TL episode recaps/reviews Linda Holmes writes for NPR, and I have to quote something from this week’s directly because it so perfectly explains my feelings:

The power of the scene where Beard dances in the club isn't that it's a beautiful romantic climax. It's that it's an explanation of why he cannot seem to extricate himself from this bad relationship. What makes the worst relationships so dangerous is that they have elements that feel good that are very hard to get elsewhere. Beard knows that; he tells it to God. What's concerning isn't that Jane makes the world seem more interesting; what's concerning is she's the only thing that does. That doesn't take away from the joy of the dancing; it just tells you that even happiness is complicated.

I love Holmes’ perspective here so much, because it articulates something I was struggling to figure out: how it can feel so legitimate, like such a (temporary but nonetheless powerful) relief, for Beard to find Jane in that club and to have this moment of euphoria as his night nears an end. How it is possible to experience that relief on behalf of a character while fervently wishing it could end differently, because it’s so clear from the abusive text messages and the toxic calls and the manipulative interactions that Jane is terrible to him and they’re terrible for each other. But Beard knows this. He knows it when he hugs Higgins in the parking lot after Higgins is honest with him in a way Ted and Rebecca and Keeley have not learned how to be, and he knows it when part of his prayer includes the clear articulation that Jane isn’t the cure for what “ails me.” He’s inching closer to greater self-knowledge just as Ted is.

And the two big resolutions that really, really needed to happen did. I didn’t know I needed Paul, Baz, and Jeremy to get to wrap up their own night out on the pitch at Nelson Road, but I did. It brought actual tears to my eyes. And the other resolution was Beard showing up with the other coaches’ coffees for their meeting to watch the game film. As interesting as it would have been to see what Ted would have done if Beard hadn’t shown up, I’m so, so glad that he did. He’s got a messed-up face and some truly epic pants on, but otherwise this is just Beard showing up for work, showing up for his friends. It was incredible to realize that Beard and Ted haven’t been exaggerating when they’ve referred to his sex-and-drug proclivities in the past. The night documented in 2x9 might have been particularly scary and violent and euphoric and awful and meaningful, but this type of all-night adventure isn’t a foreign concept for this guy. In all the other episodes of this show, when we see Beard we’re seeing someone who might have been out all night, who might have spent the hours the sun was down desperately pushing himself closer to whatever edges he could find.

I don’t really want to touch upon all the allusions in this episode. They are abundant, they are well-documented, and also I haven’t even seen the movie After Hours. I enjoyed this episode for its allusive qualities and I enjoyed this episode for what it was and I feel like I have to be at peace with the fact that I’m never going to pick up on every single reference on this show and that is okay.

So, yeah, if this entry on my tumblr dot com blog seems remarkably devoid of references and allusions, it’s not because I’m not into it but because I find it too overwhelming to actually write about.

Very into the Misplaced and Discovered box at the Crown and Anchor. (That’s what Mae wrote on the Lost and Found box at the pub, right? Whatever it is, it’s so funny.)

Beard hallucinating Thierry Henry and Gary Lineker was truly upsetting and a great indicator not only of how broken things are between the Richmond coaching staff right now but also how deep Beard’s self-loathing might go. If you’d asked me before Thursday if I thought Beard loathed himself, I would say no. That deepening of knowledge alone makes 2x9 worth it.

James Tartt and his friends in the alley. Such a nightmare. I go back and forth on how much of the night was real, and part of me has decided all of it is, short of the images of Henry and Lineker. (And even that is real to the extent that it was a way of articulating what was in Beard’s head.) But watching Beard in physical danger brought on by the same abuser who had him so upset in the first place. It was a lot.

I’m so excited that Paul and Jeremy and Baz got some spotlight this episode. It was so wonderful to see them out of the pub. I love that they ended up telling the Oxford snots who they really were. They got to see Beard going to bat for them and smoothing over the situation socially, and that actually made it more possible for them to end up being truthful about themselves. Because they have nothing to be ashamed of, and they deserved the magic of that night. (And for it to end on Nelson Road. Every feeling. Oof.)

I feel like I barely have anything to say about the trouser-mending lady or the many places Beard goes or his key-dropping or the nightmarish feeling of wanting to be home and being unable to be home. It all happened and we all watched it and again, it was a lot. But I do feel incredibly moved and fascinated by the fact that Beard very obviously still hasn’t been home when he brings in the coffee. He’s had to sleep at the club for Jane- and key-related reasons in the past, and this time it’s not that he’s slept there but it still feels like a kind of homecoming he was robbed of for the entire night. Ted and Roy and Nate are there. He’s gotten their coffee orders correct. Ted is growing and evolving (he wants to learn from what’s happened, he’s insisting upon it even when the others resist) but he’s done a really perfect (almost romantic in its loveliness) thing by presumably spending his evening following a breakdown of his own speeding up the game film to 10x speed and adding Benny Hill. Ted is not OK and Beard is not OK and Nate is not OK and Roy is pretty OK but could very easily be not OK because he’s just joined a coaching staff with a whole lot of not OK. But they all showed up.

I am very into the realism of the lights being off in the club other than the coaches’ office (@talldecafcappuccino pointed this out!), and the way we’re seeing their desks from a different angle because this episode is unfocused on Ted. It really added to the mindset of being hungover and exhausted and unable to go home or even to know exactly what home should be; even this warm, familiar place feels off even as it’s a relief to be back there.

I am excited to return to our regularly scheduled programming with the full cast of characters, but I really adored this episode for what it taught us about Beard and what it illuminated about the humor, pain, and complexity of each person who inhabits this universe. Beard may not be loud about his long-standing beliefs or about the things he’s learned, but there’s a lot happening in there and I appreciated getting to spend 43 minutes with him and (in the case of the ticket he scrawls on a piece of paper so the pub guys can get into Nelson Road) the moments he sets in motion.

[jonesgirl88]

Katie! Do you ever think about how Oliver married Holly because he was looking for Shane before he knew Shane existed? He was looking for someone who would shake things up a little, but in a way that made him better - that made his life better - yet still see him for who he was, and love him for that? Then Shane shows up and even though the timing seems wrong and he can't do anything about it, his heart goes "Oh, there you are. I've finally found you." UGH MY HEART

I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME AND IT MAKES ME SAD. Until I know your name, you are 'Muse' and I'm perfectly okay with that! You thought you had long answers...hold on, sister. I have wanted to ask you about Holly FOREVER but didn't want to seem stalker-y so I've been holding off. You asked first so HERE'S ALL MY HOLLY & HOLLY/OLIVER THOUGHTS AND DO I HAVE T H O U G H T S. I'm going to try to organize this as best I can. First, if you haven't seen the international version of the FPWL Holly/Oliver drink scene you need to watch it. It will explain why Oliver decided to marry Holly through Oliver's eyes. I need to use 3 quotes: "Don't you think you've waited for her [Holly] long enough? I believe in keeping promises. I am, after all, a gentleman" - Pilot "This odd fellow who loves words and books and things from the past, and has spent his life trying to find a future with someone to share it with. I haven't been very successful at that yet" - For Christmas "Holly you are a beautiful woman with a fascinating way of looking at the world that could entrance the most stoic of men. I had never met anyone like you; you made me uncomfortable with my life and I thought maybe that's good. Maybe my life needs a little shaking up. You certainly did that." - FPWL (International version) First things first: I don't hate Holly. I really want your thoughts on Holly because I don't see her as a "bad guy". She's an antagonist but she's not a villain and she's not hate-worthy in my opinion. Yes, she's flawed. Yes, she's not "wife material". Yes, I wouldn't trust her to watch a goldfish let alone live a life with her. However she's not a bad person and she's very upfront with what she wants. We're only told Holly's side of the story once in FPWL during the drinks at the Brown scene. We have no reason not to take her at face value so from the beginning, she's been honest. She wants to travel the world and write poetry--she doesn't want to be tied down. The elephant in the room: yes, it was VERY wrong of her to run away to Paris. It was VERY wrong of her to cut off contact for 2 years. Holly is a flawed human who, like someone else we know, leaves when things get tough. There is no excuse for her absence and I appreciate none is given other than she is who she is and Oliver has to come to terms with that. Oliver is also a flawed human with a bit of a savior complex. He saved Holly in the middle of a blizzard, a noble and righteous act. He remains true to the covenant of marriage despite his wife running away, a noble and righteous act. He protects Shane in the bank vault when she's freaking out, a noble and righteous act. He's a protector and he calls himself a "gentleman" and he has a strict moral code but as Shane points out, he's a hypocrite. In his need to save the "damsel in distress" (Holly), he sees who he wants to see--someone who needs protection. Holly doesn't need protection past that one instance but he continually wants to be a hero. Oliver is intense. About everything. He and Holly have been married 3 years (said in For Christmas) but she's been gone 2 years (FPWL). Rita and Norman have been working together 4 years and Rita knows Holly. We know Norman and Rita first met Christmas Eve and Holly and Oliver were stuck in a blizzard. Oliver and Holly went from complete strangers to married in one year. If you watch the international version of FPWL, they explain both Oliver and Holly thought they were destined to be together because who survives something like that without something happening between them. Hopefully this is where it all ties together. Oliver sees himself as a "gentleman" but he uses that as a façade to see people how he wants to view them. He puts them in easy-to-understand boxes even if that's not who they are. In this instance, Holly never wanted to settle down but Oliver didn't want to see that. They both thought they belonged together because of what they survived. If Holly didn't want to settle down, why would she propose? I'm not 100% positive, but I'm about 82% sure she thought she could

change him. Holly and Oliver aren't that different; they're both wordsmiths, they both have a love for experiences rather than things, and they both believed they were part of divine timing. Even how they married speaks to the wanderlust of Holly: they eloped. She proposed and 3 hours later they were married. As a man of faith I would think that would cause Oliver to open up his eyes to the reality of who Holly is, but when you believe this person and you are meant to be because of a divine meeting...I can see how and why he rushed in without much forethought. Holly leaves and Oliver freezes in time BUT he does begin to think about what he wants, leading to quote 2. Oliver wants to spend his life with someone. I believe he loved the Holly he built up in his mind, but not Holly the person. Over the course of 2 years, he comes to the realization the Holly of his mind and Holly the person are different beings; one very real and the other a figment of his imagination. Now enter Shane and Oliver wants to put this new mystery in a box but Shane refuses. She bucks his perceptions of her and is part of his growing process he has to go through. I honestly do not believe Oliver had romantic feelings towards Shane until the dance in the DLO. That's the beginning of him realizing he wants Shane but at this point he is still devoted to Holly and I believe he wants her to come back. Unlike Holly, Shane never leaves and he keeps bumping against the wife that left and a woman who doesn't and his heart is definitely conflicted. We know Shane is conflicted; Becky literally tells her to get "an available Oliver". Holly is the characterization of "refusal to confront". Holly ran away when she didn't like her circumstances and it takes 2 movies and 9 episodes for her refusal to be realized. Shane self terminates several times because she can't deal with the circumstances BUT she comes back. Oliver leaves in emotionally charged moments because he can't deal with what's happening BUT he comes back. Now we come to the last quote: the confrontation between Holly and Oliver. Did Holly love Oliver? I think she did as much as she could. She is drawn to a boho, artist, backpacking lifestyle and if she found someone who could do that with her, I think she would have no problem committing to that person. But Oliver isn't like that. He wants a house and a steady job and to work at the post office. Living out of a backpack is as disinviting to him as living a routine is to Holly. Did Oliver love Holly? I think he did as much as he could. He pigeon-holed her and didn't listen to what she wanted when she told him explicitly who she is. He had to grow to see his own errors and in that, he saw Holly for who she really is. At the end of FPWL I think Oliver is seeing Holly for who she is and Holly is seeing Oliver for who he is. I think they care for each other but Oliver is now listening to his heart and realizes what and who he wants. Look at what he says to Shane: "You know, for two years I've imagined what it might be like if it became absolutely clear that my marriage was over. Once all the questions were answered and I knew I would never be Holly's husband again, how would I feel? What would I do?" What did he do? He went out and bought a porch swing. He's over Holly and is ready to move on. The refusal to confront had to be confronted; the truth was revealed; and now we can move on. Oliver and Shane can move on and there's no more running away. Oliver literally says "I'm not letting go". One more quote and then I'll finally answer your question. "Well, when we began together as colleagues charged with delivering so many lost things, I believed that to everything there is a season and to every lost letter there is a divine purpose. Only today, seeing you, Norman, and you, Rita, so happy, and you, my Shane, my love, promising to love me forever, only now do I realize... just how very lost I was, too, and that your friendship and your faith have uh, delivered me as well." - TTA Oliver has changed and he knows he's changed. He's

changed for the better and didn't realize how lost he was until he found his way out. The savior needed a Savior and while he was a "man of faith" before, he's truly a faithful man now. He knows how much he's changed and how much he needed to change to be the man Shane needs and deserves. SO TO FINALLY ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: Do I ever think about how Oliver married Holly because he was looking for Shane before he knew Shane existed? Answer: No, because Oliver didn't realize what he needed until he grew up and saw what was in front of him. I don't think his heart knew Shane when he saw her BUT when he starting thawing and allowing himself to feel and think about what he wanted and needed in his life as a partner? ABSOLUTELY his heart, mind, and body jumped to Shane in a moment. This isn't speculation: it's canon. The ring is freshly off. The divorce papers aren't even signed. Holly probably isn't even on the plane back to Paris. Oliver is already building Shane her porch swing because his heart looked up and said "Oh, there you are. I've finally found you." And that, my dear Muse, is totally worth gushing about.

[tundrainafrica]

1) about the social class headcanon that you write, that’s actually makes sense, but isn’t exactly what i meant. According to Isayama, Hange when she was young looked very much like Eren in the way of acting (even more with the titans), and (this part I am not sure if it is true) she lost her family at the fall of the maria wall. Eren looked like a rebellious teenager angry at everything, and recently I found out that depression in teenagers and children tends to manifest itself that way

2) (anger and rebellion), well, we know Eren was depressed (it only got worse with time) but what about Hange? seems to me she learned to hide her feelings so it wouldn't be between her and her job. We don't know her past, she probably didn't grow up in a violent place like Levi but it doesn't mean that her life was all joy and happiness you know.. 

---------------------------------------------   MY ANSWER   --------------------------------------

Hello Anon, 

Thank you again for your ask! Woops, sorry if I didn’t answer your  questions. I answered those two asks in a row so I ended up just building off of the last one. 

I don’t think it was ever confirmed if Hange lost her family at the fall of Wall Maria. I did some research and couldn’t find stuff on my end. If you could send me some on that, I’d love to read it.

I am aware at least that no one’s life is all joy or happiness. I think there is a difference though with growing up without ever having to consider your next meal and living in abject poverty. 

There are people who have had time to be a child and there are people who haven’t. So I think to a degree, Hange had more of a childhood than Levi. And a normal childhood is incredibly important for every single child. The early years are crucial because that’s where children build wonder, curiosity. That’s one of the psychological reasons behind children’s books. They make everything so fantastical to heighten the senses of the children. Because in fact, children only get full control of their senses later in life. Before they are even able to make sense of everything, everything is just a huge bubble or conglomeration of senses. That’s why children are so perceptive, imaginative and quick to learn things like languages. Their view of the world isn’t set yet by the rules and norms of the society they live in. 

That’s why asking children questions and exposing them to so many different things at a young age and providing for them is important. Children need to see the wonder of the world while not having to consider their next meal, their danger. A childhood is generally where curiosity and imaginative thinking is most easily built. 

And that’s why I say, that Hange somehow is a lot more curious, sees a lot more wonder than Levi. Similar to Erwin, he had a pretty comfortable existence, he went to a good school, he had a father who engaged him and that’s why Erwin was able to think beyond what was within the walls. Same for both Eren and Armin. Eren had his father who probably fed him some info and Armin had his parents books and his parents who were curious enough to build that hot air balloon

And, I know about that scene in the manga that explained that it was the lightness of the titan head that got Hange curious about titans. I think kicking the titan head was a good catalyst for titan research but I suspect that even before that, Hange was curious about the outside world. Hange’s interest extends beyond titans for sure because it was confirmed by Isayama already that Hange would have been studying botany outside the walls if it wasn’t for the titans. Also, the way Hange is handling the new world where she’s constantly on top of developments in Paradis etc, also shows that titans are only one facet of her scientist personality.

Besides, if she didn’t have that wonder and curiosity about the outside world, I don’t think she would have done something as ridiculous as join the survey corps in the first place.

��Eren looked like a rebellious teenager angry at everything, and recently I found out that depression in teenagers and children tends to manifest itself that way”

Although depression can manifest itself in anger, similar to Eren’s probably, there’s no exact formula for how humans react to anything. It’s incredibly complex that the field of psychology (or any other field) is just a conglomerate of people and a bunch of reports and the people trying to make sense of all the results of the experiments they made. This is particularly true in the social sciences where any findings won’t point to anything as exact as those in the pure sciences.  

Anger and rebellion could also stem from someone having grown up in a rich family with strict rules on how to go about this and that is generally how it fits into my head canon. Someone can have a good relationship with their family while at the same time have qualms about how they were raised. To be honest, I’m probably the same way. I grew up in a relatively well off family, I was a generally angry teenager but I admittedly have a generally positive relationship with my family. 

Okay to tackle the issue on depression

 <Trigger Warning on Depression>

I don’t want to be quick as to define any action or any emotional analysis as depression. Depression is an incredibly complex subject, there are biological causes, life events and it manifests itself in so many different ways. So many different ways in fact, that people are rarely diagnosed with just depression. There are always diagnoses which accompany it. 

To be honest, I went through a period in time also where I was considering ending it. I was sleeping a lot. I quit everything. I went straight home from school. Barely talked to anyone.  I talked to a counselor about it, then a therapist but it took them months before they wanted to give the diagnosis of depression. I actually never pushed through with the sessions after a while, got busy with school and eventually, this cleared up on its own weirdly. I’ll never know actually if I was depressed during that period in time. Was I going through very stressful life events, definitely. Were my answers to the tests they were giving me alarming then? Probably. They could have pointed to depression. But I generally got past it and am generally a happier person now without much intervention. So was it even considered depression? I’ll never know. Some people who are probably much stronger than me needed interventions to stay functional. They needed to make radical life decisions, like move out from their parents place, change their courses to keep going. They needed meds to keep functioning everyday. 

Depression is a complex and  terrifying condition and manifests itself in so many different ways. In fact, talking to some friends who really watched their life spiral down because of this shitty condition. Towards the later stages of depression, they weren’t even feeling anything anymore. 

Could Hange have been experiencing symptoms similar to depression? Definitely. General teenage anger and hormones can manifest as symptoms of depression. Grief can manifest with symptoms of  depression. Loss can manifest with symptoms of depression. Trauma can manifest with symptoms of depression. Hange will have experienced a lot of things that 

Note : Also Eren’s depression? I honestly think given the experiences he had, inheriting the founding titan and inheriting centuries worth of trauma, I think his experience is beyond fathomable for the average person so I chalk that as completely something else. 

Okay, to answer your question, Hange was probably not in the best mental state late into Season 4. 

Of course she wasn’t, she lost Moblit, she lost Erwin and suddenly she was pulled into a place with so much responsibility. And she was probably suffering from a case of survivor’s guilt on top of that.

Hiding emotions comes down a lot to discipline, self control and the general strength of your inhibitions.. Emotions are manageable like I could say, I have successfully stopped myself many times from punching someone in the face. Someone’s ability to stop themselves from acting on impulses, someone’s ability to manage their inhibitions is dependent on numerous factors like home environment etc. It is also dependent on the context of that moment where someone has to choose between punching someone in the face or walking away, on the context of that moment where people choose between lying in bed and letting the day go by and standing up and plastering a smile on their face. I guess, that’s the point I wanted to make in a previous post. If Hange did grow up rich, she probably found it a little easier, to plaster a smile on her face because not ever having to experience desperation at an early age, coming to the realization that you’ve had it easier than a lot of people growing up, can do that to people. 

But yes, towards the end of season 4, she was going through something. She was struggling, despite her smiling face. But really, in attack on titan, who is happy post chapter 122? Like I cannot think of a single person in that manga who is happy at that point. Please tell me if you can think of anyone. 

Would I chalk up Hange’s true feelings to depression?

Manifestations of depression maybe? Post traumatic stress? Stress with little time to process anything or rest? Exhaustion? Not being in the best mental state? Maybe.

I wouldn’t use the word depression definitely. 

Depression is an incredibly heavy world with so many implications. In fact, it’s a medical condition which needs to be diagnosed thus, I wouldn’t use that at all to describe anyone’s situation unless they have had multiple consultations with multiple doctors and have been laid a final diagnosis. 

I hope this clears things up.

Thank you for the ask again. I appreciate it :D

[richincolor]

Group Discussion: Fat Chance, Charlie Vega

*As is usual with our discussions, there may be a few spoilers ahead so beware.*

We were all eager to read something fun as we were getting to the one year mark in this very challenging time. Fat Chance, Charlie Vega seemed like a promising pick - and it proved to be exactly what we were seeking. I'm thankful that author Crystal Maldonado shared Charlie with the world. To find out more about Crystal, hop over to the interview here. It was great to hear directly from her about her writing.

Publisher summary: Coming of age as a Fat brown girl in a white Connecticut suburb is hard. Harder when your whole life is on fire, though.

Charlie Vega is a lot of things. Smart. Funny. Artistic. Ambitious. Fat.

People sometimes have a problem with that last one. Especially her mom. Charlie wants a good relationship with her body, but it's hard, and her mom leaving a billion weight loss shakes on her dresser doesn't help. The world and everyone in it have ideas about what she should look like: thinner, lighter, slimmer-faced, straighter-haired. Be smaller. Be whiter. Be quieter.

But there's one person who's always in Charlie's corner: her best friend Amelia. Slim. Popular. Athletic. Totally dope. So when Charlie starts a tentative relationship with cute classmate Brian, the first worthwhile guy to notice her, everything is perfect until she learns one thing—he asked Amelia out first. So is she his second choice or what? Does he even really see her?

Because it's time people did.

A sensitive, funny, and painful coming-of-age story with a wry voice and tons of chisme, Fat Chance, Charlie Vega tackles our relationships to our parents, our bodies, our cultures, and ourselves.

Let the discussion begin...

Crystal: Fat Chance, Charlie Vega made me smile just when I needed plenty of smiles. Over the past twelve months, I’ve found myself picking up many more rom-coms than usual. Even with the difficulties that the main character might face, readers still get to hope for at least a partially happy or hopeful ending and that is what I’ve been craving. Stories that deliver some joy can sure make a day brighter and Charlie’s story, totally did that for me.

K. Imani: I so agree. I’ve been doing the same over the past year and I really needed this sweet story. Like you Charlie’s story made me smile so many times. I loved how much she grew in this story and how she had such a loving heart.

Jessica: Ditto! There were so many times I looked up from reading and realized I was actually, physically smiling. I can’t get enough of YA romance right now.

Audrey: Fat Chance, Charlie Vega had some incredibly sweet and genuinely happy moments, and I was really glad we all agreed on this one for our first book discussion this year. That’s not to say there aren’t hard parts in this book--there are some that hit incredibly close to home--but it was so very nice to settle down with a book that had promised us an uplifting ending. I plowed through it in just two days and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Crystal: I found the cover to be simply lovely. Charlie is gorgeous and looks like she’s feeling beautiful in the midst of the flowers and warm colors. And she’s wearing glasses. I’ve worn glasses for most of my life, but when I was young, I thought nobody sophisticated or beautiful wore them if they could help it. Ruse by Cindy Pon, When Dimple Met Rishi (back of cover) and Slay by Brittney Morris are really the only other YA book covers I can think of that feature a main character with glasses. Mei in American Panda references her nearsightedness, but her mother says that “no woman is attractive in glasses” so Mei doesn’t wear them. Maybe there are other books, but there certainly aren’t many so it was fun to see Charlie rocking her glasses.

K. Imani: Fellow glasses wearer here too and I loved that the cover had Charlie wearing her glasses and that throughout the book she would fiddle with her glasses. It was such a small thing, but I loved how Maldonado wrote the little habits glass wearers do that are tied to how we’re feeling, use as a distraction, etc, that our glasses are really an extension of our being.

Jessica: Fat Chance, Charlie Vega definitely was one of my favorite YA covers to come out in recent years. The colors, the character, the font! Everything about the cover was just so gorgeous.

Audrey: I adore the cover. Not just because Charlie is a fat, glasses-wearing Latina like me but also because it reminded me a lot of Charlie’s references to the body positivity and fat fashion movements. The cover could be an Instagram post--Charlie front and center, looking right at the camera, all dressed up and with a gorgeous background behind her. Ericka Lugo, the Puerto Rican illustrator who designed the cover, did a phenomenal job.

Crystal: Charlie is delightful, but her relationships are seriously complicated. She has some work to do in her relationships with her mom, food, her best friend, her crushes, and most importantly with herself. This is the messiness that makes Charlie’s story feel real. The book did make me smile, but there are some struggles here too and I appreciated that Maldonado let us see Charlie do some hard work.

K. Imani: I feel like all the messiness from Charlie’s relationships is what really connected me to her. No one is perfect 100% of the time and sometimes we get into our own heads and can sabotage ourselves with our relationships. The thing with Charlie is that she learned from it, told people how she felt and made amends. Such great personal growth that is a tough journey to go on, but one we humans do on a constant basis.

Jessica: I loved that the book didn’t shy away from the messiness and complicated aspects of Charlie’s relationships, particularly with her best friend and her mother. I especially loved how Charlie’s relationships tangibly changed and grew as the book progressed -- she called out her mother on her mother’s toxic behavior, and got to a better place with Amelia. So many complex relationships were in play, and the nuance given to each relationship was really incredible.

Audrey: I think some of the most honest parts in this book were when Charlie knew--intellectually--that there was absolutely nothing wrong with being fat, that being fat doesn’t mean unhealthy or unloveable, but she was still affected by those messages and ideas. She still bought into some of them even while acknowledging they were wrong and unfair. It was rough to see her deal with those things and how they affected her own self-esteem and her relationships with others, but it was also incredibly genuine.

Crystal: Many of the issues with relationships are tangled up in how Charlie sees her body. She’s fat and is working hard to have a good and positive relationship with her body, but this is a journey that has ups and downs especially since it seems that some people aren’t willing to accept Charlie as she is. Her own mother seems to think Charlie’s body is not beautiful at the present size and thinks losing weight is essential for Charlie’s happiness. The U.S. culture strongly equates worth with our beauty standards and many of us don’t see how damaging this can be for ourselves and others. Readers can even see this in the relationship Charlie’s mother has with her own body.

K. Imani: Charlie’s relationship with her mother bothered me so much and showed how toxic our society is towards women’s bodies that her mother didn’t even realize she was hurting her child. I’m glad that Charlie sought out the body positive movement and referenced it a number of times throughout the book so folks could see how seeing yourself represented living a fully happy life, despite your size, is life affirming. It definitely was a nice juxtaposition to the messages she was receiving from her mother. On a side note, I really enjoyed how Charlie was a secret clothes hoarder and that she had a great sense of fashion.

Jessica: I sound like a broken record now, but I’m seriously in awe of how Charlie’s relationships -- particularly with her mother -- are portrayed. It’s messy, and tough, and I absolutely cheered when Charlie really told her mother how she felt. I also loved how the story depicted Charlie’s own not-so-linear journey when it came to her self-esteem, and the role that online communities played in that. Sometimes it’s easy to think of the internet as just a place of toxicity and trolls, but the truth is that there are so many wonderful communities online.

Audrey: Charlie’s relationship with her mom was so difficult and complicated, especially with her mother having put so much effort into losing weight and being able to keep it off. At one point Charlie acknowledges that her mom probably doesn’t even realize she’s being cruel. It was such a relief when Charlie was finally able to express her feelings about her mom’s behavior and comments. It didn’t magically make things better, but Charlie was able to say what she really thought and tell her mother that she was hurting her. There were a lot of painful conversations in this book, but in the end they helped Charlie sort out her important relationships and her feelings about herself.

Crystal: I agree with Brian and Charlie that Valentine’s Day isn't always great for everyone. The heart-meltingly sweet way that Brian dealt with that made me smile. To later find out that Crystal Maldonado experienced something very similar with her husband when they were younger made it even sweeter.

K. Imani: I loved what Brian did for Charlie, and their classmates, on Valentine’s day. It was so sweet and moving and definitely endeared me to his character.

Jessica: Regarding the valentines: Gasp. I did not know that! That’s so sweet. Wow.

Audrey: That’s so sweet! I really liked reading about Brian and Charlie’s relationship. The Valentine’s Day scene was incredibly endearing, and their bookstore date was also lovely. There were several great moments between them as their romance developed. I especially appreciated that Charlie--a fat character!--got to want and enjoy things like hand holding and kissing and being attracted to someone and feeling attractive. I loved all of that.

Crystal: I think we can all agree that reading this book was a delight. We recommend it especially if you’re looking for something to give you a little joy. If you’ve read it, please share your thoughts on the blogpost or on our Twitter account. We’d love to hear from you.

[mediaevalmusereads]

The Devil Comes Courting. By Courtney Milan. Self-Published (?), 2021.

Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Genre: historical romance

Part of a Series? Yes, Worth Saga #3

Summary: Captain Grayson Hunter knows the battle to complete the first worldwide telegraphic network will be fierce, and he intends to win it by any means necessary. When he hears about a reclusive genius who has figured out how to slash the cost of telegraphic transmissions, he vows to do whatever it takes to get the man in his employ. Except the reclusive genius is not a man, and she’s not looking for employment. Amelia Smith was born in Shanghai, and taken in by English missionaries. She’s not interested in Captain Hunter’s promises or his ambitions. But the harder he tries to convince her, the more she realizes that there is something she wants from him: She wants everything. And she’ll have to crack the frozen shell he’s made of his heart to get it.

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: graphic sexual content, racism (mostly microaggressions), references to child abduction

Overview: I'm a simple girl. I see a new Courtney Milan book, I read it. I was expecting this book to be good, but I wasn't expecting it to be so raw, emotional, and satisfying in almost every way. If I had to quibble, I would say that I would have liked to see a stronger focus on developing the romance, but as it stands, The Devil Comes Courting is an engaging read that deftly deals with topics such as colonialism, racism, grief, and family.

Writing: Milan's prose, as always, feels effortless while delivering a lot of information. It balances telling and showing well, and evokes a lot of emotion without feeling burdened by flowery language.

The only criticism I have is that in the first half of the book, there are some phrases that characters use that start to feel repetitive. It isn't a big deal, as they're supposed to be repeated (as a way for characters to remind themselves of things), but as a reader, I felt a little irritated. Luckily, this repetition clears up by the second half of the book, so if you also feel annoyed, you don't have to wait long.

Plot: The plot of this novel revolves around Grayson Hunter, a Black man intent on connecting China to America via a transpacific telegraph network, and Amelia Smith, a Chinese woman raised by an English missionary and who has invented a way to transmit Chinese characters via wire.

The first half of the book follows Grayson as he convinces Amelia to abandon her mother's plans to marry her off. Appealing to Amelia's ambition, he convinces her to come to Shanghai to work for him, all while building up her confidence and inspiring her. The second half more or less focuses on the development of the telegraph line as well as Amelia's longing for her Chinese mother, Grayson's obsession with work to avoid confronting his feelings of grief, and the budding relationship between the two.

I really loved this plot. It showed us Milan's nerdy interest in a topic (the telegraph line) while also exploring complex emotions connected to the history of colonialism. I loved how Milan handled Amelia's feelings of being torn between cultures, all without excusing the actions of those who participated in colonialism; despite Amelia having complicated reactions to her past, Milan does come down hard on what's right and doesn't try to redeem people who refuse to admit they have done wrong.

If I had any criticism of the plot, I think I would have personally liked to see arcs more strongly defined. There were some moments when I felt like I was just following characters in their day-to-day activities, and while some of it was interesting, there were times when I was wondering what larger goal the plot was heading towards. This is a minor criticism, however; because of the rich character exploration, I didn't mind following Amelia and Grayson, but if you're a plot person (rather than a character person), you may disagree.

Characters: I love how this book proves that you can have a historical romance about people of color without focusing on suffering.

Amelia, a Chinese woman raised by an English missionary, is quirky in that she's scatter-brained, bright, and kind. I loved that she was portrayed as incredibly smart and ambitious, and that her main character flaw was needing to believe in herself. I also loved how she wrestled with her feelings about her past - Amelia longs to meet her Chinese mother and ask why she left her, and I loved how Milan used that longing to fuel her desire to connect China to the rest of the world via wire.

Grayson, a Black man who obsesses over the telegraph wire as a way to avoid coming to terms with his brothers' deaths, is similarly likeable in that he's ambitious and kind. I loved that he was ruthless in pursuing Amelia (to work for him) but also respected her boundaries and let her make decisions for herself (rather than manipulating her into doing something). I loved the way Milan handled Grayson's grief and how his work on the telegraph was both a worthy project and an externalization of his character flaws.

Side characters were charming as well as helpful for facilitating Amelia's and Grayson's character arcs. Benedict, who is a character from the previous two Worth books, was quite adorable and had a nice little arc of his own. I think Benedict's arc complimented Amelia's and Grayson's well, though it will have more significance if you've read the first two books in the series. I also liked Amelia's adopted brother, Leland, whose arc explores and exposes the immorality of missionary work. Grayson's cousin, Zed, was also delightful in that he pushed Grayson to spend time with his family, which was important for exploring Grayson's complex feelings about his mother.

The book's antagonist (if we can really call her that) is Amelia's adoptive English missionary mother, who I think exhibits the right combination of genuine love for her child and toxic, manipulative behavior. I liked that Milan wrote this character so complexly because it helped explore nuances in the actions of individual colonists. The subtle racism (microaggressions, superiority complex, etc.) worked better, in my opinion, than overt racism (slurs, etc.) because they painted a more realistic and interesting picture of someone who believes she is doing good while actually doing a lot of harm.

Romance: In my opinion, the romance in this book was less interesting than the independent development of the characters. Don't get me wrong - I loved Amelia's and Grayson's interactions. I loved how they teased each other, I loved how Grayson inspired Amelia to believe in herself, and I loved how Amelia pushed Grayson to find happiness. I also very much enjoyed the little numbered letters that they wrote to each other and how their character arcs paralleled one another (both had to do with family).

But personally, I didn't feel like the romantic aspect of this relationship was passionate enough. I got the vibe that Amelia and Grayson were close confidantes rather than lovers - but it may be my own tastes or even unconscious bias, so I don't think readers should take this as a damning criticism.

I did appreciate, however, that the romance didn't fit the mold of a lot of other romances. Amelia never asks Grayson to change re: settling down, and both respect each other's boundaries. They also both don't want children, and neither of them face pressure to change their minds. As a result, this romance felt unique, and the fact that neither character was an upper class person in England helped a lot, too.

TL;DR: The Devil Comes Courting is a rich, evocative romance that explores colonialism, family, and grief without wallowing in misery. The unique, likeable characters on their own are enough to love this novel, but the deviation from romance genre norms (such as setting, social class, etc.) will surely satisfy readers looking to expand their horizons.

[ask-artsy-oncie]

So I’m kinda in a meh/apathetic headspace in regards to my mental health right now. Maybe it would be best to just let some thoughts out. 

Firstly, I do want to apologize for making stupid, borderline inflammatory posts and throwing them out there onto tumblr dot com, I know that’s never the best course of action. However, I really, really do not appreciate anons sending vague “are you okay”s at me. If you’re not close enough to me where you can’t PM me (relatively) face-to-face, then I really wouldn’t like random inquiries about my mental health from you. Maybe it’s just because I don’t 100% trust anons (I’ve been here for a decade, I’ve seen some shit, can you really blame me?) but I think I ought to make myself clear on that. Are we clear on that? cool. 

I don’t know... I’ve felt so lost and tired recently, moreso than usual.

I’ve always had a massive complex about annoying people, being too self-indulgent, not having good ideas or opinions or what-have-you. People who have known me for a while almost definitely know that. I don’t think it all necessarily exists in a vacuum, either I have a genuinely hard time coming up with objectively good ideas. Sometimes I’m just straight-up “head empty” mode. I’m also often really opinionated and sometimes intend to die on hills that people aren’t really meant to die on (or are even necessarily worth dying on). I can get way too wrapped up on meaningless things because my brain is too hyperfocused on this one thing, or maybe something I rely too heavily on for comfort is... I don’t know how to put it.... put at risk? Challenged? I have a lot of mental issues and real life issues, though I’m not claiming to be massively oppressed or anything, but I tend to cling to comforts a little too desperately. And I’m not just talking about like. Media. Just comforts in general. Sometimes I’ll spend too much of the day laying in bed. Sometimes I cling to old relationships or old forms of relationships or I constantly worry about the day I’ll inevitably no longer have the same relationships I have now. 

I’ve known I needed therapy for a while now. I’m waitlisted and everything, but I need to go about actually choosing a therapist to see and I’ve been dragging my feet on that so I guess that’s my bad. I’ll get to it. Shit’s overwhelming, yknow? 

Anyways I know I have a lot of these flaws and problems and I think my horrible anxieties about being too annoying and whatnot is just a really extreme form of self-reflection. Maybe. Not entirely sure. Maybe a therapist could tell me.

I get way too passionate, way too easily, and it’s almost always followed by a super intense period of shame, like, to the point where I’m desperate to isolate myself and destroy my relationships with other people, because then at least I’m actually trying to destroy a relationship by being a bad person, rather than someone leaving me for... I don’t know, being too happy? Caring too much? Talking too much? Just. Shit I have less control over. 

I’ve tried putting a cap on it, suppressing everything. Trying not to indulge too much, trying not to be so happy and talkative, straight-up deleting messages I think might be too annoying the second I send them. Trying to be inoffensive through being unnoticeable. I’m trying to do that now, honestly. It’s why I joked about deleting my blog. All it does is hurt and make me go fucking nuts because I’m bottling up a lot in doing that, I know. I’m just not fully convinced I don’t just deserve to feel that way.

There are a lot of points in my life where I’m convinced that my best course of action in succeeding or keeping people from being put-off by me is to just sit down and shut up and draw what I’m told to draw. To just completely lose my agency in drawing. It makes sense, when you feel like you don’t have any good ideas of your own, you just illustrate others’. And there are many, many points where I have done this out of a place of love. Fuck, most of what I’ve drawn for Lolly’s writing has come out of a place of genuine love, not just for her work, but for her. A lot of what I’ve drawn for Bethany (for any REAL long-time followers reading this) has been like that, too. But there are also points where it honestly just feels like my only purpose is to be a tool through which others may visualize their whims. That if I dare inject too much of myself into things, they’ll be permanently ruined. And then there’s the shame I feel in having wanted to impart a piece of myself into a work - a demerit for being too selfish or self-important to deem my whims anywhere near good or important enough to be included. 

I have so many ideas. So many opinions and thoughts and feelings and genuine insight that I’ve suppressed or deleted because I either feel like that’s what’s expected of me, or I’m straight-up told that my thoughts and opinions are bad and wrong. Like. Fuck me for having opinions on animated media levels of being shut-down. And you know, I’ve noticed something in the past decade of being an insufferable opinionated prick about things like that - that it’s actually easier for me to enjoy media when I’m allowed to be negative and critical of it. When I am allowed to just share my thoughts. And I don’t mean like, without being disagreed with, I mean like, in an environment where I’m made to feel like I actually can share these thoughts. When I can pinpoint and analyze what I didn’t like or what made me upset, it can be a lot easier for me to then move on and be able to focus on aspects that I genuinely do like. Like, holy fuck, it is SO much easier for me to pick-and-choose aspects of a certain sequel film that I actually like and feel comfortable saying I like than it was for me to do with the original, because I no longer have an incredibly toxic person in my life (or at least, in my life as much).

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t had this kind of experience since then, like. There are STILL things I struggle to move past because I have been made to feel like I just can’t fucking talk about them without being insufferable (sorry if I’m overusing that word - it just feels like the best word the feeling I’m trying to describe) or just straight-up ruining something for someone I care about. Keeping shit like this in does crazy shit to me, for real, and there’s still a large part of me that tells me “Fuck you. Suck it up. None of this shit matters.” Y’know? Because in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t. And then there’s the shame that comes from having cared so much in the first place. It’s a fucking cycle. There’s some shit that’s just irreparable ruined for me because of this and that SUCKS.

I don’t like losing comforts. Fuck, I hate it, really. And I’m not talking about new comforts coming along and catching my attention as an old comfort begins to wane, I’m talking like. Destroying relationships, feeling SO MUCH shame surrounding a comfort media that it’s too difficult to enjoy it no matter how hard I try, or having too hard of a time disassociating a comfort with a horrible event or person. And it’s feeling like at LEAST one of these is starting to happen to me again and Good Gods it’s just. It’s so terrifying. 

But who do I tell? When my primary worry is annoying or offending or hurting people? Y’know? I can’t just vent to one single person to this all the time, that isn’t fair. But it gets to a point where my brain tells me “No, you can’t talk to ANYONE about this because that’s rude and wrong and a true friend wouldn’t do that. There’s a reason why you can make any number of concerning posts, messages, private ramblings, whatever, and the people you’re closest to won’t ask you what’s wrong.” 

And, yeah, honestly, I do think it’s true that the people I consider my closest friends won’t read this. I actually don’t believe the average person will read this, or at least get this far. I genuinely do just talk too much and it’s a lot for most people to deal with. Otherwise, I talk too little, and probably enter the “you should be able to read my MIND” level of expectations, which, of course, isn’t far. I understand, I swear I do, it just takes some time to come to terms with every time I get wrapped up in my stupid mental stuff. And I also promise that I try to give these people the same kind of response I want, y’know? I try to look out for any worrying behavior and try to offer an ear and help in any way that I can. I don’t think expecting the same in return is fair, I just worry about any of them being like me, and I’m willing to play to that if it’s necessary. I’ll break quiet streaks for that shit, y’know?

Honestly, these stupid quiet streaks are probably more unbearable for me than they are even noticeable for most people. It sucks. I just wish my mind was normal so I A) wouldn’t have these insecurities to begin with, because B) I would never end up exhibiting the behavior to warrant such insecurities.

There’s so much shit I want to talk about, to analyze, or explore, that I want to share with the world, or at least with people I love, that I probably never will because my stupid brain has already decided that all this stupid shit is better kept to myself where it can rot and be forgotten eventually. Which is fine, in the grand scheme of things, I guess, because I functionally have never really been the guy who comes up with ideas (at least, good ideas) I’m just the pencil, the one who I guess makes things visual? I can’t even bring myself to say “I bring the ideas to life” because that’s pretentious and untrue. These ideas are already alive because they come from brilliant minds. 

I don’t even think it’s fair for me to call myself a character designer unless the characters are my own. Otherwise, I’m just following the directions of a much more competent conceptualizer (there’s a reason my characters barely have any... well, character). That’s the reason why I removed my unearned credit as the character designer for Ty from Swindle’s description, because I really don’t deserve that kind of credit. It’s why the asks about the designing process of Ty have been left unanswered, because, fuck, what do I even say? “I just did what Lolly told me to do, just like I did with all of Swindle. Please don’t give me that kind of credit, I know I falsely ascribed it to myself earlier, and I want to rectify that”? I guess I could have, actually, now that I’m typing this. But people always get fucking upset with me when I try not to take credit, even when it’s shit that isn’t mine!! So I don’t know what to do!! I don’t know what to fucking do!!! Because I just don’t fucking want to make people upset or unhappy!!!!!!!

I’m sorry, this post is too long and I’ve worked myself up and I’m no longer apathetic. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep so big win for my complexion, honestly. 

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I guess getting this shit out of my system is probably best to do in a big tumblr post no one will read. 

I don’t want anons about this. If I can just ask one thing. Please.

[common-nerd-knowledge]

Obey me! One Nerd to Explain Them All!

Leviathan Headcanons: Another Side

Alright, I know this is a second part that no one asked for after my first one for Asmodeus. However, it’s come to my attention that there are important pieces of information that it seems a majority of people are forgetting about. Leviathan, to me, has many more layers to him than one might think. Today, I’m motivated enough to write about him today too.

!!Warning!!: these are just my own personal headcanons and may get sensitive topics mentioned (or spoilers for the current end of the year). By no way, shape, or form am I expecting anything from this.

Honestly, this probably is an unpopular and very much personal opinion but- no one seems to realize that this guy is the Grand Admiral of Hell's Navy and exactly how much more to him there is than some otaku with an obsession with Ruri-Chan.

Despite this fact, there’s not even much to show with it. It’s upsetting.

However, with a bit of asking a few relatives of mine who have also served at one point or another- I think Levi might have PTSD. With seeing how a good few cope with it, I’m starting to see the similarities.

Anime, Manga, Games- all of it not only become a part of him when he found out they existed, but they also became his way to cope with his PTSD. It’s to help him avoid losing it.

It’s also why he can’t stand crowds- not only from social anxiety or because of him being a recluse. 

Crowds can be a trigger for PTSD for some people, because of flashbacks that could potentially resurface of being in a situation where you’re in a tight space and everyone’s dropping around you (as one example due to what I’m talking about and how this is involved with Levi).

Isolation is one way some people with PTSD can try to deal with it. No people, loud noises, or anything else? Nothing to spark you. (Disclaimer: This doesn’t apply to everyone with PTSD!! Note how I’m still saying ‘some’.)

If he’s back in that sort of scenery, or in his element- I believe you could see a much different side of Levi that you wouldn’t on any other occasion.

He’s that high a rank for a reason, after all.

I believe it’s one of the rare times everyone can see a serious and very dangerous Leviathan. A great soldier who was even trusted for his position has to be an opponent not anyone would want to face.

Not to mention he’s based on the serpent and naturally water would be his domain here. He could get through it easily.

Despite being out of shape, likely due to everything that’s going on now, he still has to be doing something to keep up with his body too.

I’m almost positive that Levi then, with this in mind, would appreciate someone who understands that at times he might need his personal space.

It’s nothing against his dear friend/partner, of course. He just doesn’t want anything to happen if things ever escalated.

That doesn’t mean he won’t appreciate someone, who knows how to handle this, attempt to comfort him though!! That’s brownie points there.

The war must have taken a toll on him too, since it’s likely that he played a similar role then too. So it’s not out of the question that one way or another it could have affected him a lot more than it seems.

He likely feels horrible for his own failure too, having lost Lilith too. His low self esteem- probably also driven from that (not to the extreme as Belphegor, which is a story for another time.) alongside so much piling up.

It’s no wonder he is questioning his own worth and assumes everyone thinks badly of him.

Not all military, sadly, are treated the best to start. Then when he became an otaku, faced the relentless teasing and maybe even bullying. After all, not everyone likes fans of anime/manga/video games.

Then to see that everyone sees so much more good with the others... he’s going to feel like all he does is exist.

Although he does also get angry with Mammon too, but that doesn’t mean he thinks he’s better. That’s just a clash if Mammon steals something of his. (Doesn’t mean it’s right, but that’s another story for another time.)

He also went from an angel to a demon. He’s not excluded from the fact such a change could have affected him too.

One way or another, it turned him into the avatar of Envy.

Everything started piling up- from his own issues to then seeing how happy everyone else is when he’s suffering and fighting many quiet battles on his own... it’s likely why jealousy ended up being his snapping point.

He doesn’t talk about these issues often, and little is it mentioned as to why he is the way he is. I think his spurts of envy are not only emotional outbursts, but to the extreme of feeling threatened during the quiz is a result of that bottle he’s been pushing his feelings in completely boiling over. I think he’s hiding a lot more pain than we think.

As petty and all as it may be, his complex to his fandoms and why he has to be the biggest fan must stem from him wanting at least some achievements to hold onto when everyone else was ripped away. He wants to have his nice things and something to bring up that no one else can. He wants to be special, even though he knows its disliked that he’s a fan. It’s his main go to, though.

 That and he wants to indulge himself on this because it’s the only thing he has to cope with his problems.

Yes, he’s aware (at times- maybe) he might be taking it to unhealthy lengths. That’s why he needs someone who can help push him in the right direction within reason. It’ll be extremely difficult, I know. Especially with how he can be. But with looking deep into his character and trying to look past what kind of ‘front’ he may have, he would not disappoint.

[tinywordsblog]

Tiny Words is a creative nonfiction podcast, featuring my own writing and stories. In episode 1, I talk about my experiences with disordered eating, body image, and recovery. 

And, more than anything, this is an ode to little Amber, and the little legs that have carried her this far. (It’s also an ode to the White Rabbit Cafe’s vegan chocolate chip cookies).

Trigger Warning: This podcast episode discusses topics of disordered eating, weight, health, calories, and food. If these things are triggering to you, I would not recommend listening to this episode, but I appreciate you nonetheless. 

Transcript: 

The goal of the ‘Tiny Words’ blog has always been to highlight the small truths of life, those that make up our existence and have a larger impact than it might seem on the surface. For this podcast series, I’ll be featuring my own writing as an audio presentation. I’ll be telling my own stories (and perhaps those of others) through a format that is new to me as a creator. Throughout the past few months, I’ve reopened the world of creativity and writing--a realm that has long been boarded up and evacuated. I wanted to reopen that realm in this podcast episode by writing a story that many months of therapy has shown me is one of my own truths. With that said, I present “Just a Little Husky” to you. I hope you find something of myself in this. 

DISCLAIMER: I want to preface this story with a trigger warning. This episode discusses topics of disordered eating, weight, health, calories, and food. If these things are triggering to you, this episode might not be best for you. 

[introduction music fades into the story]

I was in elementary school when I discovered what a body was. I knew that we all had stomachs and arms and legs and chins. I was aware of those things only as they related to being a child. My legs carried me where I needed to go. My arms were used for holding and hugging and gesturing. My stomach was something to be fed and nurtured. But I never knew what those things were supposed to look like. Or that those things were “supposed” to look like anything at all. At that same age, my older sister’s friend--only 2 short years older than myself--lost a significant amount of weight. Our families rallied around her, remarked on her “dedication” and the clockwork-like Wii Fit exercises she was doing. For the first time in my life, thinness was celebrated. 

I became aware of the looks that those closest to me had given plus-size women before I knew what a plus size woman was. The side-eyed glances to a woman in a form-fitting shirt. Scoffs cast on young girls confidently wearing shorts when “they really shouldn’t be wearing shorts that short. Not with that body.” 

When my sister’s friend lost weight, and more importantly when she was celebrated for her weight loss, my innocence began to crack and shatter. A mirror had been turned on myself, and confidence became something you needed to shrink yourself down into. 

My sophomore year of high school, a pediatrician--one who considered himself “traditional” to be exact--told my mother and I that, “it wasn’t a problem yet. She’s not overweight. Just a little husky.” 

Just a little husky. Just a little husky. Just a little husky. 

Not a problem yet, but becoming one. Just a little husky.

He diagnosed me with the feelings of self-hatred that had cast their shadow on my reflection. “Just a little husky” and suddenly I became no more than a number. 

It wasn’t until a year ago, when my therapist furrowed her brows and asked, “He said what?” that I realized my pediatrician’s words were the wrong thing--not my body. Now, I see his comment as a lapse in his judgment. Back then, though, it was a death sentence.

I was raised on diet culture and calorie counting apps and skinny teas and fat-free versions of your favorite snack foods. That day at the doctor’s office, I was prescribed a monster thinly-veiling itself as healthy living. It told me that to be healthy was to avoid. To shrink. To achieve the smallest possible number. 

And, really, the numbers were all I had. Scale in the morning, before breakfast to be the smallest possible weight. “Bare minimum” best describes it. I ate cereal in the morning, exactly one cup-sized measuring cup full of Special-K with no milk. I would eat a  sandwich for lunch, on bread that was strictly labeled “light,” spread with one exact tablespoon of peanut butter-- or perhaps two, on a cheat day. I ate snacks, but never more than 90-calories each. For dinner I would eat with my family, but I “portion controlled” and never took a second serving. I’d eat side salads as a main meal on a bad day, and dessert was a rarity. My pantry was full of green block text screaming “light,” “low-fat,” “diet soda,” “shrink yourself until there’s nothing left”, and wither away faster with this brand of pretzels for a lower rate than the competitor!

The patriarchy packaged up an eating disorder into a glittering pink parcel and sold it to me on a silver scale. Told me I was too fat to feel worthy of a crop top. I was commercialized into a fat kid with a complex about the clothes I wore and the way I sat, constantly aware of  the way my face morphed into a smile and how my body moved around me when I danced. I sewed my worth into the waistband of my pants. I practiced my smile and adjusted my posture. I wore only the size that I wanted to be, and if a store’s clothes ran smaller--forcing me into the next size up--I cried my way to another. I was “just a little husky,” and the diet was not enough to erase those words from the corners of my mind. 

I once heard a slam poem by Blythe Baird called ‘When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny’ that says, “If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital. If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.” When I first heard Baird’s poem, I tried to pretend that I wasn’t listening to my own existence sung back to me from someone else’s mouth. But it was my own song. When you go from being fat to being skinny through means of an eating disorder, your mental illness becomes a physical celebration. I was fifteen years old being asked what my “secret” was by fully-grown aunts and uncles. I was told “You look great”, a compliment that I’ve learned translates to “You look smaller.” They applauded me even when I asked for no Easter candy, when I asked permission to eat my birthday cake “and even the ice cream, too?” 

To this day, I still ask for permission when eating a fear food, but now I’m able to answer my own question. When I was restricting myself, I thought of progress only in quantitative terms. I was a series of numbers, gradually getting smaller, hoping to never get bigger. Now, I can see my progress cast around my person like light falls through a window. The light does not pick and choose certain objects to illuminate just like my disordered eating did not pick and choose certain aspects to affect while leaving others untouched. When progress came, it could be seen shimmering on every surface. I see my progress in the way I slouch in chairs. In how I clothe myself in patterns that I love rather than vertical stripes because, to quote a dying fashion industry, “horizontal stripes make you look bigger.” In how I laugh without covering my mouth. In how I’m trying to learn to love my smile no matter how it stretches my face. In how I speak without fear of my voice “sounding fat,” though I’m still not sure how fifteen-year-old Amber thought a voice could sound that way. 

In how, even on my bad body days, I buy myself White Rabbit Cafe-sized vegan chocolate chip cookies. In how I sweeten my tea and spice my food. In how I’ve forgotten the number of calories in a single grape and couldn’t tell you the amount of carbs in a bowl of pasta. In how I love my stretch marks as if they were the perfect tattoos. 

My body certainly isn’t a temple, but I’m learning day-by-day to turn it into a warm bed on a rainy day. It’s becoming a place to take comfort, a thing to clothe in loving embraces and swaths of my favorite colors. Or, rather than making it a metaphor, maybe my body is just my body. My means of navigating the world. The vessel used to love and be loved. The thing I carry around with me always. 

Maybe I am “just a little bit husky,” and that’s a thing to be celebrated, too.

[crimsonbluemoon]

Working For Love: A TerrorMoo Story 7/17

Still sick, still trying to be on time with my posts. Sorry if I’m not responding to people, its just been a really busy week and the holidays are a bit of a mess. I’m hoping that when I go on vacation after Christmas I’ll answer asks and stuff. For now, please enjoy ^.^ 

Previous Part

Start from the beginning

Brock wasn’t a quitter. 

If anything had proved that over the past three months, it was his improvement in the gym. Once a nervous wreck who was too hesitant to try anything but the treadmill, Brock had started to branch out after losing more weight. The health articles and helpful advice from the guys at the gym (he’d even go as far to say his friends) had explained that doing cardio was great, but needed to be paired with healthy eating and weights. The free weights were still too daunting to approach (the men that lingered there had biceps the size of Brock’s head!), but the weight machines weren’t too intimidating. So Brock finalized a plan, and after his walk on the treadmill had finished, he set his sights on a new part of the gym to conquer. 

But it wasn’t as simple as Brock had originally thought; each machine had different weight ratios and knobs to alter the machine, and Brock was hesitant to touch any of it. The clanking of the adjustments felt loud to Brock, despite knowing that nobody around him would even take notice. They were plugged into their music and their own work-out routines, just the same as Brock was when he was in the zone. The old feelings of being watched came back full force as he tried to adjust the seat, nearly dropping a swear when the latch pinched his finger. It wasn’t a terrible pain, but more of an embarrassment for messing up something as simple as a seat adjustment. His face flushed as he stared down at the first machine, wondering if it was supposed to be a sign. Distantly, a memory sung to him like a siren, casting a wave of insecurity over his anxious soul. 

“You really can’t lift that? Your arms must just be for decoration, Brock, because they don’t have any muscle on them. We need to get you to a gym or something.”

Brock’s anger and resentment of his ex was no longer a gaping wound, but a scar he gave little thought to anymore. The longer he spent away from the rose-tinted image he had of their relationship, the more he understood their flaws. Sure, Brock had some responsibility in their discourse, something Craig never refused to acknowledge anytime the topic came up. Some of the nitpicking he did wasn’t always needed, but used as a defense mechanism when feeling bad about himself. And there was his struggle to try new things, despite his ex being willing to take risks on Brock’s tastes and hobbies. But he wasn’t a martyr, either; Brock could make peace with the fact that his ex treated him like an expectation over a gift. Like he simply thought that Brock should be there by his side until he decided he no longer needed him. Maybe until he found someone in better shape with the arm muscles he’d always ragged on Brock for not having. 

The scars were small now, but at times like this, they still whispered in ways Brock struggled to ignore. 

“God, I hate this machine.” The familiar voice didn’t cause Brock to jump as often as it used to, the warm body by his side making his toes flex pleasantly in his shoes. He glanced in confused silence to Brian, who didn’t hesitate to plop down onto the machine that Brock had been staring at for two minutes. “The calibrations are always so specific and I don’t like how hard the seat is against my ass.” 

“I thought Tyler told you to wear a hat,” Brock said, trying (and partially failing) not to think of Brian’s rear pressed up against hard objects. Craig would be proud, which wasn’t a comforting thought. 

“Tyler also tells Mini he’s not interested, yet lets him come here and sexually harass him without making him pay for his gym membership.” Brian skimmed the weight options of the machine that Brock knew his friend used on a daily basis. “Just can’t trust a man with that poor of taste. So I think one of the elliptical machines is wearing my hat right now.”

“He’s going to fire you one day.” They both knew it wasn’t true; despite his refusal to follow the dress code, Brian was Tyler’s right hand man at running the gym. It was common knowledge to most who frequented the gym often, especially with how much time Brian spent there. Brock doubted that Brian would ever really take credit where it was due, because he wasn’t helping Tyler for glory or recognition. He seemed genuinely invested in helping his friend’s business thrive, which compared to Nogla’s constant promotion of the establishment at his apartment complex. 

“And never see this beautiful face again? He’d had to close down from all the broken hearts.” Brian’s little smirk always sent Brock’s heart into a skittish flurry, though by now he’d learn to lean into the sensation over fighting it. Brian’s lovable personality was so comforting and warm that he couldn’t help it; he felt safe showing his weaknesses to Brian. From how often the other members at the gym reached out to him for questions or help, it was obvious the feeling was common. He wanted to show Brian how intricate he was to making the gym a welcoming environment. 

“What are you doing?” Brock asked instead, taking a step back when Brian finally clapped his hands and pushed off the seat of the machine. 

“Alright, this should be the right settings for you. Take a seat and tell me what you think.” The command didn’t hold any authority or sway, but Brock found himself following Brian’s request when a hand on the small of his back lead him to sit down. Guiding him each step of the way, Brian’s voice stayed eased when he wrapped his hands around Brock’s, adjusting the grip he had on the handles of the arm press. “Keep your fingers facing away from you so you have your strongest part of your grip parallel to your chest. It’ll help you get a better push when you lift up. Don’t use your feet, or you won’t get the same tension in your tricep and it’ll lesson some of your work-out. And make sure to take a good breath before starting your reps, okay? I started you small with weights, but you should be straining by the end of ten pushes. Think you can try this?” 

“Just don’t laugh when I can’t get past one.” Brock tried to make it sound like a joke, but he remembered the phantom pinches from his ex that littered the saggier part of his arm. He’d always held more power in his legs, nothing he’d been ashamed of before the break-up, so the little pokes and comments hadn’t been a passing thought for Brock back then. Now, as he stared at the arms preparing to push the handles of the machine up, Brock couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

“That’s one more than you could do yesterday.” But Brian just made it so easy to stomp out the ghosts of the past with his candid words and positive aura. “And that’s something to be proud of.” 

“Right.” The word was weak when he whispered it, fingers nervously dancing along the soft grips of the handles. His focus turned internal, flexing the muscles in his hands once and nodding. “Right, okay. Here I go.”

And surprisingly, when he pushed into the motion of the machine, it moved. It wasn’t the steadiest of movements, and his arms shook when they came down, but he didn’t fail. Brock almost forgot to hold up the weights, but a quick reminder from Brian to ‘breathe and go again’ had him right back into the swing of things. He took a slow and steady pace, trying to only focus on the motions of his arms and the little hints of help Brian provided. He didn’t get to ten the first set, eight being far too much for him before he dropped the handles down. But Brian looked over the moon at his attempt, and Brock had never felt like such a winner for something he didn’t complete.

“That was great!” Encouragement poured from Brian like a water spout, hands clapping onto Brock’s shoulders to show his excitement. “You did eight of em, Brocky. You rock.” 

“I didn’t get to ten, though.” Despite his response, Brock let himself lean into Brian’s comforting touch, which kept him from sinking into negative self-talk. 

“Seven more than you thought you could do, right?” Which was true enough to make Brock nod. The smile didn’t wipe off Brian’s face as he led Brock to another machine, using the same slow and encouraging tactic as before. The attention was appreciated but confusing to Brock, who wondered how Brian had managed to sneak the time away from his actual duties at the gym. 

But 20 minutes and six machines later, Brock got his answer. 

“Hope you enjoyed your little date.” Tyler seemed less prickly when he tossed out the words, his glare falling into an eye-roll with little heat. “Cause I’m clocking that as your break.” 

“It was worth it.” Brock doubted Tyler meant the threat because he wasn’t a bad boss. If anything, Tyler was coming up with an excuse to not write Brian up for ditching his duties. But the brightness of Brian’s eyes proved he meant his reply, even when he gave Brock a wink and moved away to argue with Tyler. Leaving the gym that day felt different, his muscles already protesting when he shifted the car into gear. He was sure he’d feel the pain tomorrow, and the pain the next day when he did the routine over again. But that was okay, because he was okay. 

Brock wasn’t a quitter, but it was nice to have Brian in his corner anyways.

Fun times at the gym for Brock and Brian! Its like a cute little first date. Hope you guys are enjoying this story, its been fun to write. As always, like, reblog, and let me know what you think! <3

[bookandcover]

I feel I need to start this writing response with several context points, in the synergistic space among which I’ll frame my analysis of this book.

Context 1: I almost didn’t read this book. I wasn’t sure I wanted to and whether I would be comfortable reading it. This was because of limited context about the book itself, paired with reading JK Rowling’s Twitter comments from last year. I did not like nor agree with what JK Rowling said on Twitter adjacent to topics of transgender identity and experiences. Her comments made me unhappy and uncomfortable, and I’ve thought about her comments a lot because they came from someone I respected and admired. Her first comment I saw—questioning the title of an article about providing accessible products for “those who menstruate” (an area of need during the pandemic)—seemed simply ignorant to me, not intended to be cruel nor targeted. But her subsequent actions—arguing with others on Twitter, defending her original point—seemed to reveal a narrow-mindedness, self-superiority, and unwillingness to listen to others who know what they’re talking about. This approach (basically the Twitter-tantrum) is one that I feel sensitive to (it reminds me, in the worst way, of the behavior of our recent ex-President on the same platform…)

Context 2: After witnessing the Twitter-tantrum, I heard this book included a transgender serial killer. That did not seem like a good look on someone who had made ignorant and stubborn comments on Twitter about transgender identities: creating one (1) transgender character and making that character a villain. This is why I was hesitant about reading this book.

Context 3: I read a lot of books. I believe that you do not need to agree with someone to read what they have to say. If we agreed with everyone we read, we would not read in a way that expands our minds and adds nuance to our own views. Do I also fundamentally believe that we should not financially support nor enable those who are racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and who use their platforms to spread hatred? Yes, I believe this strongly. I also believe that all of us are racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and many other things we’ve been trained by society to be (there are, of course, significant degrees within this). Yet, I believe we are capable of growth, of learning, of compassion with each other and with ourselves. While JK Rowling’s comments and what I had heard about this book made me uncomfortable, I was still open to reading it. I recognize that this is, in big part, because I was not as hurt by her comments as others must have been.

Context 4: This book does not seem to include a transgender character. The serial killer turns out to be a relatively minor character (compared to my expectations for his role). He is not transgender. He is always masculine gendered. He occasionally dresses as a woman in order to approach women in a non-threatening way, in the process of kidnapping them. He is presented as smart, strategic, and an advanced planner, and his women’s garments are described as part of that strategy and not part of his identity (although, now I’m wondering whether JK Rowling thinks this does mean the character is transgender??) Dennis Creed also fools others beyond his victims with his occasional disguises used when kidnapping women. A bystander in the case Robin and Strike investigate does not intervene nor call the police when she sees two women struggling in the street, unlike how she might if she saw an assumed “man” struggling with an assumed “woman.” Yes, this serial killer’s attack strategy seems to connect to gender assumptions we make about others, and there’s the possibility that this portrayal of a man dressing as a woman in order to attack women could be interpreted as complaint against allowing transgender women into female safe spaces, like bathrooms (I felt like this would be a stretch based on only the text, but I definitely wonder given Rowling’s larger commentary). However, I feel that if I read this book without knowing it was written by JK Rowling, I wouldn’t have found anything particularly objectionable in it, nor would I have thought it was commenting on transgender identity and experiences.

None of this context is to say that I condone JK Rowling’s words on Twitter in any way, shape, or form; what she said was unacceptable, hurtful, and ignorant. She ought to have apologized and then promptly educated herself. But I was surprised that this book was pigeon-holed (I felt) in its tagline. I can’t imagine that the internet uproar that the book included a transgender serial killer was the conclusion of someone who actually read the book (and I find that surface-level assumption about a book concerning in its own way—the internet loves to flock to the sensationalist version of any half-truth). I didn’t come to an easy conclusion, in spite of this, about whether I ought to condone the book itself. JK Rowling’s comments made me not want to support her financially by buying the book, nor emotionally by reading it and spending my time on it.

Moving now past this larger context and my conflicting feelings about the ethics of reading this book, I did find this book a bit underwhelming. This book is LONG (927 pages) and I felt it could have benefited from stricter editing in some places. It didn’t really feel that long, as it has an, at times, nearly chatty tone—the characters move smoothly through their lives and conversations—and it’s easy reading, easy pacing, easy to go along with. This had the effect, to me, of making the book a bit flat. Not flat in a boring way, because it was easy to read and I kept just coasting through it, but flat in an emotional way. The part that got my heart racing the most was definitely the scene when Robin, in disguise, is nearly caught by Luca Ricci when he visits his gangster father in an up-scale nursing home. I clenched my hands around the book in fear throughout this scene, feeling like Luca Ricci was walking behind me, looking at me, as he loomed near Robin. It was harrowing.

The relatability of Robin is definitely the ongoing high point of this series for me. As another thirty-year-old tall blond woman who is way more ready to prioritize career than family, it’s not hard to see myself in Robin. I love her resilience and her quiet confidence. I love her increasing conviction that she is being her true self through her work. I love her struggle against the expectations of others, when she so clearly knows herself. It’s easy for me to want to emulate her. On top of her character, her job is one that’s also easy for me to romanticize. I have always loved mysteries, spies, disguises, complex human psychology, word puzzles, and piecing together hints and evidence. I loved whooping my family members’ butts in Clue as a kid. I love traveling and anything I see as an adventure (growing up, I was a huge dare devil—throwing myself off high dives, picking the scariest rides at amusement parks—until I got hurt a lot as a teenager and mellowed out some). I was definitely driven to romanticize some of these activities because my parents and sister were all deeply afraid of heights, which I found funny. Robin’s professional driving skills is about all it took for me to gasp aloud in awe and admiration. (I’d be lying if I said I haven’t imagined myself as Robin when I’m driving my Toyota Corolla, which is not a glamorous car, but mine is a glamorous COLOR, which is why I picked it). Robin has an awesome job, and she tackles it with grace, and the more strength she assembles, the more self-conviction, the more I love and admire her.

Robin and Strike’s characters are going through one of the slowest slow burns I’ve ever read in a book series. And, while I love a good slow-burn romance, I definitely have some mixed feelings about this one. Item 1: Earlier on in the series, I didn’t want Robin’s character to have a romantic plot line with Strike because of all the cool other things going on with her character development. I think I’m over that, especially in this book, because it’s increasingly clear here how well Robin and Strike’s particularities complement each other. Item 2: Are they better as friends? This seems to be the big central question of this book. They’ve gotten much better at expressing how much they mean to each other. Strike tells Robin that she’s his best friend (this was a great scene) and Robin’s confidence grows through understanding how central she is to functioning of the agency. She learns more about how she needs to operate differently than Strike as a leader within this space (yay for the scene where Morris is fired!) She both emulates and admires Strike, but also increasingly carves her own path. She doesn’t need to equalize their relationship, but she does need to equalize them in the eyes of others, and we see that characters from Morris to the unbearable C.B. Oakden undermine Robin’s equality by focusing on her relative youth and her gender. Would a romance between Robin and Strike reverse some of their own productive effort to equalize their relationship? This seems to be something both characters fear, as well. I do love seeing these two characters grow together—it seems like they’re working out each other’s love languages, understanding how best to express the other’s worth and their own care for each other in a way that is understood and appreciated by them both (there’s a big growth between Strike getting Robin flowers for her 29th birthday and taking her for drinks at the Ritz for her 30th). And this growth actually seems to form the backbone of the novel.

Is this, though, a relationship growth that is inherently romantic? The line seems to be slipping closer and closer to “yes.” I find loving platonic friendships to be very rewarding and very worth examining in literature, and I love a good slow burn, but something about the inconclusive status of this relationship is starting to wear on me. I think I wish it would either settle on the platonic side clearly, so we could explore the interesting things about that space, or progress on the romantic side, which has been a long time coming. I think part of my frustration here is that the growth of this relationship is, as I’ve said, the true arc of this novel. The change in these characters IS the arc because there’s not another one, and I think this deficiency contributes to the flatness of this book for me.

My favorite of the five Cormoran Strike books was number four, so I do think part of the anticlimactic feel of this firth book was the experience of reading this following book 4. Lethal White, as explained in my post on this book from a few years back, felt like it blazed new ground to me, in terms of what a murder mystery novel could do and be, and how it could unfold. I had a lot of sympathy for that murderer. The reveal was not about cracking the case, so much as it was about understanding human experience and context. Trouble Blood, though, felt reminiscent of book 2 as a narrative arc. I wasn’t particularly engaged by the reveal of the murderer—What was new about this character as the murderer? What could this show or explore? These felt like dead end questions to me. I was also confused by this character’s acceptance of their upcoming very public trial when they had so successfully enjoyed satisfaction from the shadows for decades. Their motivations, too, seemed under-explored, put aside as the fanatic behavior of one person when it seemed there could perhaps be threads to comment on there. The emotional arc between Robin and Strike didn’t seem particularly interwoven with their systematic solving of this cold case. Therefore, the joy of this plot had to be in the reveal itself, in the unspooling of the mystery…and this one just didn’t do it for me. I know the bar is high—from The Cuckoo’s Calling onward, we knew Robert Galbraith could spin a tightly woven tale—but what’s the point if all that this is is tightly (well, no longer so tightly) woven plot?

Robin feels an emotional connection with Margot Bamborough and I think we’re asked by the book to care about her, an ambitious woman who worked toward her dreams only to have these cut short, but she just never seemed that vivid to me. Less vivid than say Pat, the opinionated office secretary who I liked a lot. The best of the book was in the subtleties—Pat’s change of heart about Strike, Strike’s relationship with Joan as she’s dying, Strike fully letting go of his emotional ties to Charlotte (I guess that was something we really needed to see happen, him letting her go and actually changing his phone number), and Robin and Strike’s conversation where they affirm their best friend status (very wholesome). Overall, I wanted more from this book. It felt very realistic, very “slice of life,” but I’m not sure we come to the murder mystery genre for realism (more drama please!) But the book was nevertheless enjoyable, in a smooth way, like a story a friend tells you—easy to hear and to internalize, with two main characters you want to root for, but more out of familiarity and habit than because of what’s at stake for them in Troubled Blood.

[independentartistbuzz]

7 FROM THE WOMEN: RED FLOWER LAKE

Red Flower Lake is lush, heady electro-pop. Aloe vera for our dried-out hearts. Sweeping melodies and understated yet complex soundscapes. These songs are open doors to a relationship: two people who know each other about as well as two humans can, singing to the other, about each other, offering a brave and heartfelt depiction of the territories they have survived and navigated together. It’s all here: intimacy and distance, heartbreak and ecstasy. Vulnerability, insecurity and courage.

1. What have you been working to promote lately?

It feels like I have been working on promoting a lot lately (internally and externally). Things like honesty, clear communication, empathy, patience, naming emotions, opening my heart, peace in my family, etc, etc.

But that’s not quite what we are talking about. ;)

I have been working alongside my husband to promote our EP Three Truths as well as an exhibit of our multi-media work at the Torosiete museum of contemporary art - a virtual museum unlike any other. Our exhibit just opened at the end of October and will be open for all of time - as long as there is internet.

Our EP Three Truths consists of three songs, Heart is Breaking, Baby Don’t Go, and Brave. The first two were written when we had super young kids (about 8 years ago).

When we were first considering releasing some songs this past May, we weren’t sure which songs to begin with. We were pretty tired of Heart is Breaking and Baby Don’t Go but also felt like they were worth something, belonged together, and like they might be the beginning of a story. We figured we would see what mixing one of them would do and take it from there. We sent out Baby Don’t Go and after trying a couple different mixers, we landed on Mike Pepe through a family friend named Kelly Musgrave at Linear Management. He did his thing and we actually got inspired enough to completely redo the vocals which was pretty satisfying. I had started voice lessons several months earlier and felt like I had more to offer the song. Once the energy was back in Baby Don’t Go it was pretty exciting to see what some mixing would do to Heart is Breaking. Deciding to release those particular songs really felt like the end of a pretty challenging time. It has been nice to have them out in the world where people might be able to relate to them giving voice to an experience that is painful but also real. I don’t know how many emotions we get away with leaving unturned but I appreciate a song that can help me reflect on a feeling.

Heart is Breaking was the kind of song that was so of a moment, it didn’t feel worth it to try and enunciate the words better or change what I was unsatisfied with after hearing it mixed. I am curious whether that choice will actually impact my satisfaction long term but, so far, I have found it both surprising and amusing that putting something out into the world that is a little bit vocally unfinished doesn’t bother me at all.

As for Abel’s vocals though, they are straight from the heart. They are also his original vocals. I remember when I first heard them I felt a lot less significant as part of our musical duo. He just put it all out there and it sounds so good. Heart is Breaking speaks to the experience of wanting love even though it seems to always end in heart break. An experience that, as a young parent, felt very prevalent.

Brave to me is all in the title. My setup is such that if I want to play around on the keyboard with a feeling I’m having, I still need to pull up ProTools and title the session - even though I don’t know what I am going to play which is the case a lot. Often when I am sitting down to play music, it is to explore something in my mind and on my heart and in this case I wanted to be brave about that exploration so I titled the song Brave. Brave is about sticking around and being present to see what is true even if it is scary.

All of the songs I write are deeply personal. In the past, it has sometimes surprised me that Abel would even touch the material, considering how blatant it is but I’ve learned that I’m not the only one in the relationship that sometimes feels paradoxical and complex feelings.

Having made music together for such a long time now without releasing any of it, we are both really excited to share more of the story and more of our music. It feels like an epic tale that is still revealing itself in real time. Three Truths feels like the beginning of a bigger message - this first message being “Damn this is hard but relationship is sort of like that sometimes”.

2. Please tell us about your favorite song written, recorded or produced by another woman and why it’s meaningful to you.

Sade’s Smooth Operator. There are a lot of songs and a lot of reasons why to pick them but this one pulls me right back to a time in my life when not a lot of things were easy but at that moment, the house was warm, the whole family seemed happy and there was an abundance of food. I was maybe 5, my family was living with my great aunt and her daughters who were at least ten years older than us. We were all still getting used to living together and my family was still getting used to living in Va after moving from New Mexico. When Smooth Operator came into my awareness, it was the day after Thanksgiving and there was a bounty of leftover mashed potatoes, peas and onions in cream sauce, and stuffing that needed to be eaten. While we formed those leftovers into little balls and baked them, we were introduced to that song. I think we may have listened to the whole album a couple times through but we named our food creation after Smooth Operator and it is one of the special happy memories I have from an amazing but also pretty heavy childhood. Throughout my childhood from then on, Sade was a voice I leaned into. I remember one night my twin sister and I lay down in the dark of her empty room in middle school and listened in consecutive order through Diamond Life, Promise, Stronger Than Pride, and Love Deluxe on our tape player to the light of a big moon. One of my all time favorite nights.

Smooth Operator felt like a warning. Like watch out girls, they’re everywhere. The first song of their first album. Her voice was always my reference. I wanted my voice to sound like hers. I wanted to make songs like hers - with a point, with heart, and with a voice you want to listen to. Smooth Operator is our family anthem, made so by a moment we all recall fondly - an odd anthem perhaps but my family is as odd and as amazing as they get.

3. What does it mean to you to be a woman making music / in the music business today and do you feel a responsibility to other women to create messages and themes in your music?

Having an opportunity to use my voice as a woman at this time feels very special and important and I hope that I am doing my part in honoring the power of the feminine, and the important work of keeping it real in all my relationships at all levels.

I work to be authentic and express as clearly from my heart as I can. Making music - making art,  is a way for me to connect with my emotions, my inner wisdom, a way to express those feelings, ultimately it is a way to communicate something that means something to me. I recognize that this is a potentially self indulgent process and I pray that my purpose of honoring the human experience and reminding us of our power is conveying.

It is important for me to be super honest because there are so many feelings I have felt ashamed of and wouldn’t even admit to in the past that I am now realizing are actually just part of a human experience. Honoring and expressing my truth thus far has been a thousand times more empowering than the results have been of hiding from my truth as a result of believing I should be ashamed of my feelings and for believing in my worth - what I know is true in my heart. Denial of my truth has wreaked havoc in my life and it isn’t worth another moment of time to feed or encourage such disempowering paradigms.

I recognize that we all have a lot to heal from and a lot of healing work to do individually and collectively. I think a large part of that healing work is around being brave enough to honor our feelings, identifying their source, and getting empowered to speak/know/honor our truth - a truth that is both unique and valid.

Perhaps if we are able to honor ourselves in this way, we will be able to hear each others’ truths with compassion, recognizing ourselves in each other's struggles.

A big step for me in my healing journey has been accepting and being willing to hear and honor my own truth. No more wars - internal or external. When I am not fighting myself, I am one less person who is fighting themselves and that is extremely motivating. I think all of my fighting ultimately comes from internal conflicts so I might as well start with that and find some way to work that stuff out. I have been working on not making other people the bad guy but, if I see ‘bad guy’ out there in the world, to note that I see a reflection of parts of myself I still am in a healing process with.  

I am not sure what the depths of our world’s healing will entail but I know my responsibility is to my own healing and it is empowering to own that responsibility. I pray we all honor ourselves like the magnificent and unique creations we are and honor ourselves like we are somebody’s child who adores us. Even if we can argue that our parents did not or do not love us, there is still and always will be immense love for each of us in the vast universe and from our mama earth. We are worthy of our best life. In fact. I think it is the only sustainable future.

My responsibility is to honor and stay true to my truth.

4. What is the most personal thing you have shared in your music or in your artist brand as it relates to being female?

All of the songs I write are extremely personal and expose my deep internal struggles. But I am okay with being a voice and a sound. Being an image has not been easy. Learning to embrace my face, my body, my movement, my inner style, etc, feels much more exposing and personally challenging. The entire world of what is sexy, what is beautiful, what is inspiring, what is useful, etc. has been out of reach for me since forever. I find that the more I turn toward my spiritual truth, my spiritual purpose, toward awe and gratitude for the children in my life, the more permission I have and the more energy I have for exposing my physical person on a true and personal level. What feels beautiful, what feels empowering, what feels good and right?

I have in the past, been absolutely disempowered around beauty and sex that I feel like only now am I getting access to any answers internally about what is beautiful, empowering and what feels good for me. I am a mother and it is important to me that the children in my life have examples of real women and men in their lives who are empowered and strong and honest- not because of our physical form but because of our clarity in purpose and our open hearts.

I know the sexiest thing a person can do in my heart/ mind is their inner work, get straight with themselves about what they are doing here and live and breathe their purpose.

On the level of the eye, I think playing with what my spiritual guides have to say to me at any given moment feels the most appropriate and fun. I’d rather be in a conversation with them about physical expression than with old paradigms of sex appeal and survival on this physical plain.

5. What female artists have inspired you and influenced you?

Oh my goodness, So many. I really believe that the unapologetic art of all women throughout time has molded me as part of the collective creative conscience. Art begets art.

I come from a family of bohemian artists and I would be remiss in not honoring them particularly and their absolute influence in my life. Their authentic expressions have absolutely shaped and inspired me and I am so grateful to each of my family members for their conscious participation in living their best lives.

My highschool teacher and friend Zap McConnel reinforced and added to what my family already inspires in me. She was my first real mentor and example outside of my family in living a life of integrity and breaking the molds of our boxed beliefs.  

And Beatrice Ost. She has been part of my family for a long time but it really wasn’t until her grandchildren connected with our kids that we became better acquainted and, just as kids tend to do, through our children we have been led into a most beautiful and inspiring relationship of collaboration and inspiration. We wouldn’t be where we are now without her and really everyone in the world. The ripples are real.

6. Do you consider yourself a feminist? If so why and if not why?

I consider myself a feminist because I believe in the unique and essential wisdom of the feminine and its absolute importance in the balance of life. I could also consider myself a divine masculinist but that movement is really in conjunction with the healing of the divine feminine. It is for all of us to heal from this woundedness - not just women.

There is no denying that women have been oppressed for millenia - longer than any other human group except children - and it feels important to me to keep raising the collective awareness to the long lasting effects of oppression that continue to weigh on the lives of everyone. If mama is oppressed, everyone is oppressed because if mama is oppressed she does not have the power she needs to stand up for what she knows in the depths of her heart - to care for the hearts of her family and that kind of pain and injury is passed down a long way.

I have been considering the narrative of our media history around witches - how they have been conveyed so terribly in our social history. I am interested in those stories from the witches’ perspectives. I’d love to hear the backstory of Ursula the deep sea witch in The Little Mermaid. It seems to me that she may have wanted to say something to someone… An easily identifiable sentiment for most human beings at this point. There can be no more pretending how much we have all suffered because of fear and domination. I don’t think we need to gender specify suffering generally but just like with race, it is true that there are some significant stereo types that have been disempowering for a long time.

We are still living in the antiquated world of shame about menstrual cycles for God’s sake! It’s bonkers. I can attest that this particular gift has felt like a burden in this worn out world of 9-5 schedules and limited sick days and - if any - and our basic needs for survival are not cared for enough so that we don't even know this immense gift as an honor. But as we each recognize our person as an immense gift and when we honor ourselves and each  other as such, we change the world.

I am a feminist and a masculinist because I strongly believe that each of us as individuals needs to feel empowered as part of something larger than just our individual egos. Each of us is essential and honoring our unique gifts will and does heal our world in deep and profound ways. Each of us knows something, has a purpose here that needs to be respected by everyone. Men and women both would benefit from honoring the feminine in all that is and vice versa. It is a balance and as long as the balance is off there will be a need for feminism. And just as much there is a need for honoring the divine masculine. It truly is a matter of balance - one that needs support internally and externally as individuals and as a collective.

7. What was the most challenging thing you have had to face as a female Artist?

The most challenging thing I have had to face as a creative being is myself. My own pride and jealousy, self doubt, and a need for external approval have kept me from taking risks, whether it is going into action or taking a nap. Everything I did or didn’t do was based on what I thought somebody else might think which gave me very little room for actual self expression. Giving myself permission to exist independently of other people’s approval and trusting the creative flow has been a matter of challenging oppressive systems - both external and the ones and the ones in my head that I have defended as part of a fear based world. As I continue to grow wiser and my body becomes more of an ally for my heart rather than a sculpture project, I find myself in battle with old paradigms around self image.

It is an interesting time to be alive and I have lots of hope for us as a collective as I continue to break my own belief systems because if I can do it, it can be done. Breaking out of old and limiting beliefs, considering new paradigms, recognizing my inner/outer calling and prioritizing that calling beyond all else has been liberating and empowering. My dream is that all our dreams come true. I know my heart is based in love and that all the struggle has been for learning. This knowledge has helped me come to terms with trauma but I would say I think oppression is systemic and the more we can break free of our own excuses and reasoning to defend oppressive systems, the more swiftly and easily we will transition to a new world. I am more than happy to be inviting in a paradigm of inclusivity, kindness, inquiry, compassion, and honesty. An undeniable breath of fresh air from so many oppressive paradigms past and present.

Listen to “Three Truths”

Connect with Red Flower Lake online via:

https://www.redflowerlake.com/

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https://twitter.com/RedFlowerLake

[theoi-crow]

so I’ve been working with aphrodite on and off all year who originally came to me in a dream at a rough time in my life where I completelg lost myself and occasionally I’ve been trying to make a connection with apollo but I haven’t really focused at all on him the past month or 2 and suddenly last week I had this sudden feeling that he was upset with me and a few days ago I came to your blog hoping your asks had been (would’ve checked sooner but I got a mild concussion from falling down (1)

(2)the stairs last week… not fun but I was low on energy and focus from it but so your asks were obviously closed so I ended up going through your apollo tag hoping to find some insight on what to do if he’s upset with you and ran into the song apollo after reading more about him and whatnot on your blog and omfg I suddenly felt a warmth next to me and I got this clear image of a shaggy haired sandy blonde boy in my mind and we ended up sitting here listening to music together and honestly

(3)for me he felt like a teasing older brother and also had a guiding vibe and it was so interesting to be able to finally officially feel the difference between him and aphrodite because for me she’s kind and gentle and she’s like the best friend who will sit and listen to your complaints and roll her eyes with you when you get objectified by ur mom’s best friend’s son again and sympathize when you get your heart broken and apollo is like a teasing older brother and very warm and I came across

(4)a song that I could’ve sworn he was telling me reminded him of him and artemis and honestly it reminded me of my twin and me as well (brother by kodaline in case you’re interested) and it was so wonderful but… is he a jealous god? Cuz I think he felt neglected and I thought that even more so cuz that night after having gone thru ur blog I’m p hecking sure ares came to me in a dream and in said dream apollo didn’t like that I was talking to him and I’m not sure what to do about that😪

(5)also sorry for the spam I just needed to get that off my chest. I honestly would love to work with ares but I don’t wanna make apollo upset but I also already kinda have persephone (and hades a bit) on a back burner because well honestly I was feeling a little overwhelmed even though I’d love to work with them as well (tho I can feel their patience with me, like they know I’m not ready but they give me v parental vibes lol and ares also gives me big brother vibes it’s v interesting okay sorry

-----------

Omg are you okay?! How's the concussion?

My they/them wife had one a few years back and I had to take them to the hospital! (They're doing a lot better though, thank the gods. Though my little dog is always nervous to be right behind them since he caused the concussion last time.) 

Please don't apologize for putting in multiple asks, I don't mind how many you put in so long as you number them just so I don't get confused with other asks and you did that so I'm happy, plus I encourage it because writing it down helps the one asking as much as it helps me. ^^

Because it's a lot, I'm going to break it down just to make sure I answer as much and as well as I can. Please don't feel bad, I do this for every ask that requires more than 2 inbox entries.

"so I’ve been working with aphrodite on and off all year who originally came to me in a dream at a rough time in my life where I completely lost myself"

Isn't she amazing?! She did the same thing to me, she came to me when I was in the middle of a crisis. There are SO MANY devotees who say Aphrodite showed up when they needed her the most. 

"and occasionally I’ve been trying to make a connection with Apollo but I haven’t really focused at all on him the past month or 2 and suddenly last week I had this sudden feeling that he was upset with me"

Hmmmm… sometimes when we think a god is upset with us, it's actually a bad experience with parental figures/authority that's projecting and pretending to be a god. I made a post about it here: (LINK)

This can also be your shadow self: (LINK)

It could be your shadow self that is projecting the thought that Apollo is annoyed with you.

This is the feeling that I'm getting from Apollo because even though you initially had that feeling of him being upset with you, you added this: 

"and a few days ago I came to your blog hoping your asks …. your asks were obviously closed so I ended up going through your Apollo tag hoping to find some insight on what to do if he’s upset with you and ran into the song Apollo after reading more about him and whatnot on your blog and omfg I suddenly felt a warmth next to me and I got this clear image of a shaggy haired sandy blonde boy in my mind and we ended up sitting here listening to music together and honestly for me he felt like a teasing older brother and also had a guiding vibe and it was so interesting to be able to finally officially feel the difference between him and aphrodite…"

He could have also given you a bit of insensitive to look him up because he wanted you to personally feel his energy. And your right, he does feel like a teasing older brother (the other day he was teasing me about a joke Hermes made that just went over my head and then I later caught 🤣) but he does guide me, here's guiding me as we speak. But this is what I mean when I say "It could be your shadow self that is projecting the thought that Apollo is annoyed with you." 

"because for me she’s kind and gentle and she’s like the best friend who will sit and listen to your complaints and roll her eyes with you when you get objectified by ur mom’s best friend’s son again and sympathize when you get your heart broken"

UGH, WHAT A CREEP! Aphrodite totally understands and she'll keep reminding you that you are more than what others think of you. And she understands the complexities of love and how it really changes people and helps them grow. Keep working with her, she'll teach you to see your true worth.

"... Apollo is like a teasing older brother and very warm and I came across a song that I could’ve sworn he was telling me reminded him of him and artemis and honestly it reminded me of my twin and me as well (brother by kodaline in case you’re interested) and it was so wonderful." 

You have a twin? No wonder Apollo wanted you to hear that song. You both have that in common. You can also add Artemis and work with both of them as a representation of you and your twin as well. Or focus on the twin aspect of Apollo. Either way, I can see why he wanted to talk to you. 

"but… is he a jealous god? Cuz I think he felt neglected"

Apollo has SO MANY followers. I sense this is your own guilt projecting. It's okay for you to take breaks from gods. Don't think that he'll feel like you are ignoring him, he'll occasionally nudge you and try to get your attention if he senses you are having medical problems because he's the god of health. Because you just went through a concussion, I'm not surprised Apollo is sending you messages and is trying to get your attention. He did the same thing with my wife. After their concussion Apollo was suddenly everywhere, encouraging them to go to the doctor, reminding them to take meds, etc. 

" I thought that even more so cuz that night after having gone thru ur blog I’m p hecking sure ares came to me in a dream and in said dream apollo didn’t like that I was talking to him and I’m not sure what to do about that"

You said that your mom's friend's son is harassing you right? Ares likes to work with people because he helps them learn to stand up to bullies and those that are harassing others.

Dreams represent a lot of things.

I believe that both gods were on your dreams but it wasn't jealousy (Apollo and Ares not only work with me but they work really well together. Apollo opened Sparta while Sparta loved Ares. Apollo also encouraged his Spartan soldiers to be molded in the image of Ares which is why Sparta had Ares in chains so the spirit of the god of war would never leave Sparta. Plus I usually ask Ares, Apollo and Hermes to help me exorcise my home or whatever place I'm renting for the night. Hermes takes the lost souls where they need to go while Ares fights demons and Apollo purifies the negative energy with his light.)

But I sense it was more of an argument as to who you should work with first. I sense Apollo wants you to focus on your health first while Ares wants you to focus on defending yourself. 

"also sorry for the spam I just needed to get that off my chest." 

Please don't apologise. You numbered them and I really appreciate that.

"I honestly would love to work with ares but I don’t wanna make apollo upset."

You won't. Apollo isn't a jealous god. He knows the value and benefits Ares will bring in your life, he just wants you to focus on him first especially because he's telling me it seems working with too many gods right now will be overwhelming for you. It is possible and there are devotees who work with multiple gods at once (like me who is currently working with 6+ gods. Here's an example of how I juggle my time with them: (LINK))

"but I also already kinda have persephone (and hades a bit) on a back burner because well honestly I was feeling a little overwhelmed even though I’d love to work with them as well (tho I can feel their patience with me, like they know I’m not ready but they give me v parental vibes lol"

They understand. That feeling is just to remind you that they'll be there when you're ready. Think of it as them sending you a hug energy now and then. 

"and ares also gives me big brother vibes it’s v interesting okay sorry."

No need to apologize! Especially when you talk about Ares because as I've said before I can talk about Ares ALL DAY!!! I grew up with him and he's the reason why I always attract these scary looking people who end up being super dorks and puppies like a tatted up vicious looking bike gang watching over the girl scouts who are selling in a sketchy neighborhood but they're doing it to make sure the girls don't get hurt or kidnapped. 

Just the other day I was right outside of school sitting on a bench when a creepy dude started to ask for my number and just wouldn't take no for an answer. I suddenly felt Ares's energy when a cop came out of nowhere and asked him if he was a student. He wasn't. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave, you're bothering the students." I was so thankful because he's always watched out for me that way so yes he is most definitely like a big brother although he gives me "war-dad" and "papa bear" vibes and his rock in Athens is literally the most comfortable rock in the world!!!! I miss it everyday! 😭

I'm sorry it took me this long to answer your asks, between going to Greece and starting school it was impossible to be in Tumblr besides re-blogging every few seconds I got to be on it. 

I hope this helps! 

May the gods be clear about what they want so they may guide you into a more fulfilling and spiritually prosperous life.