#for those very bad days when i feel like shit and my self confidence is literally 6ft under

[the-yearning-astronaut]

I was made entirely tongue tied today at work when a very pretty and spot on Bo-Katan lookalike cosplayer told me I'm pretty.

"You're very pretty. I just thought you should know."

[yallthemwitches]

Some thoughts on Lily Evans (Headcanons and other musings)

Headcanon things

---I think she really struggled internally about "not belonging" in both the muggle and wizard community. I couldn't imagine finding out I was part of some special group that made my family members ostracize me, THEN joining said new community to find that I am actually discriminated against and considered lesser. I don't think she was on the nerd level of say Hermione, but I think she really wanted to prove herself.

--I don't think she wore a bra. I use this in my fics a lot not just because it could be taken sexy, but because it would've been trendy at the time in the 70s. I think Lily would have kept up with the politics of the muggles and the wizarding world, and I would imagine she would be keen to follow the feminist movement.

--I'm really not of fan of the swarmy, bookish version of Lily that purveyed often in fics (I see more diversity now but back 10 years ago Lily was like some studious angel all the time.) We know she was smart and teachers loved her, but we also see a lot of anger and cheekiness from her too. I think James wouldn’t have been half as attracted to her if she was just a know it all. I imagine she was really sarcastic and quippy.

--I think Lily thought about fancying Remus in earlier years---to the point that in 4th year she turned on him quickly one day during prefects rounds and kissed him, immediately realized she felt nothing, and then they both agreed to stay friends and never speak of it (James would have died if he knew). After then, Lily had the habit of giving him a kiss on the cheek as greeting/goodbye (think of it as the french bisous, not like a real cheek kiss) and Sirius would always joke about "Where his kiss was"---which prompted Lily to draw real close to him ( making James feel jealous and uncomfortable) before yelling at him to fuck off.

--When Sirius and Lily became friends, they really became friends. They both confided in each other about being the family outsiders, they spent lots of study time listening to music, and she was always able to keep up with his sarcastic and self deprecating style of humor. Whenever Sirius would conjure rock music to play in the corridors, Lily always was the last of the prefects to put a stop to it. She would often spend time in the boys dorms even if James wasn't there to shoot the shit with Sirius and she often was his insider into all the cool muggle things he missed out on.

---Petunia peddled the idea that Lily was a "Hippie type" to Vernon and her friends upon being questioned and Lily really leaned into this gladly. She was very amused by the muggle occult craze in the 60s-70s and found a lot of enjoyment visiting muggle "esoteric shops" and getting books from them. This trait would later be adopted by the marauders who would take some of her muggle “occult magic” books and try to reproduce the (ridiculously fake) spells (often leading in explosions or very bad consequences seeing as the muggle “spells” were all a hoax and couldn’t stand up to real magical attempts). When she was home from the summer it was not uncommon for her to be reading a book by Aleister Crowley on the front stoop.

---Lily hated flying despite James' many tries to get her to enjoy it (he mostly liked that she was scared and held onto him more). Contrary to this, she loved Sirius motorbike. It felt more natural to her despite still being a flying object ( and despite both James and Sirius flying it in the most haphazard way possible.)

--One thing that drew Lily to James was his interest and love for muggle pop culture. I imagine Lily tried often to get Snape to listen to Joni Mitchell or have a laugh at how muggles depicted wizards/witches in film, but Snape didn't see the worth in doing those things---wanting to focus on the wizarding world. James on the other hand ate all of it up--he would jump at the chance to watch Carrie or The Wicker Man. Even before dating James, I think Snape's disdain for all things muggle was off putting to Lily, who saw just as much to learn from muggles as she did from the wizarding world.

Reference things

---I base a lot of my fic Petunia/Lily relationships off of the British show Fleabag. I HIGHLY recommend it and I think its a great example of two sisters who are completely at odds with each other. I think Lily and Petunia's relationship would be much more complicated obviously due to their reasoning for falling out, but I think in general its a great depiction of two sisters who don't get along. I admittedly have cradled their dialogue patterns for scenes. ( Its on Amazon prime really really really go watch it its amazing)

---One of my big references for Lily ( and James for that matter) is Paul Thomas Anderson's Licorice Pizza. I think the love story of the two main characters who are at odds against the world really works and its the typical Jily "one is madly in love with the other and does schemes to win her over while she's sarcastic and wary and grows to love him despite it all." Its also the 70s which helps a lot ( for me). I think also Alana Haim's character is a perfect lily as she's someone who is a bit lost despite having everything going for her on paper. I highly reccomend it if you haven't seen it.

Trailer link here:

[bambi-slxt]

🤍𝐍𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐥𝐞𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐦🤍

𝕔𝕙𝕣𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕡𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕤𝕥𝕦𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕠𝕝𝕠 𝕩 𝕗𝕖𝕞!𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕣

word count: 1.9k

genre/tropes: romance, friends to lovers

summary: dating is hard, but maybe what i was looking for was easier than breathing...

warnings: none <3 pure fluff

notes from bambi: i tried a new format, what do we think? no usage of y/n, lowercase intentional, just a cutesy chris fic

busy?

nah wsp

can i come over

yeah fs, thought you said you were busy tn?

i'll explain when i get there 😵‍💫

see u soon kid 

-x-

“hey.” i let my bag sink onto the floor and threw myself across chris’s bed. 

“bro what, get off me!”

i grinned into his now-rumpled comforter. “make me.”

he snorted and yanked the covers out from under me, sending my legs flying. giggling, i stretched out over the far corner of his mattress. “thanks for letting me come over.”

“no problem. what's goin’ on?” chris had already halfway shut his laptop screen, giving me his attention. the soft pants i had bought him for christmas hung loose around his legs, one of which was pulled up at the knee. in lieu of a shirt, the towel from his shower lay draped over his shoulders. chris’s hair, dark from the water he refused to blow-dry out, stuck to his forehead in a very unflattering pattern. i tried to tell myself that, anyway.

“i was supposed to go on a date tonight,” i answered, staring at the ceiling. covered in those glow in the dark stars and planets people used to buy for their kids, it reminded me of the day chris begged for help putting them up. 

“what happened?” he asked quietly. his brows were set in a line measured by confusion and annoyance at the possible explanations.

“i got scared and ghosted him.”

“again?”

“i know.”

“you gotta quit that. these guys don't deserve it.”

“...i know.”

“why'd you get scared?” chris asked, putting his arms behind his head.

“because what if he wants me for sex and nothing else? what if he says he wants a relationship and pays the bill and opens the door for me and takes me home and tells me we don't have to do anything if i'm not comfortable and then of course we do something because i can't fucking help myself and then he got what he wanted and never speaks to me again?” 

i realized then, that i was shouting in my head and nothing had come out. chris still looked at me expectantly, his head tilted. 

“you look like a puppy,” i told him, grinning. 

“what the fuck,” he said, shaking out and shoving back the hair that threatened to encroach upon his vision.

“i got scared because…” i sighed, not entirely sure how to articulate my thoughts in a way he would understand. “Because how would i know if any of it was real?”

“that's why i don't fuck with love, like, that romantic shit,” he offered helpfully.

i glared. “thank you, christopher.”

“using my full legal name is insane.”

“you deserved it.”

“whatever bro.” chris paused. “i feel like there's something else.”

“how do you mean?”

“something else bothering you.”

“it probably has something to do with my self-confidence,” i said. “sometimes i think i deserve…everything, and sometimes i think the opposite.”

chris’s chest rose and fell with a sigh. this wasn't the first time we’d discussed the matter.

i looked over at him and his eyes met mine. i did this occasionally, the staring. it was a way to connect without speaking, which was often difficult around him. chris broke first, after a few short but comforting seconds, dipping his head to the side and gesturing me over to sit next to him. as i scooted my way over, he opened up his laptop again.

“new merch?” i asked. 

“yeah,” he murmured. “you wanna help design it?”

i took the device from him, amid quiet protests of death and torture, and began to very gently give my two cents.

“no one likes yellow chris. don't make any more yellow stuff ever again in your life.”

“I LIKE YELLOW??”

“too bad.”

we compromised on black with yellow accented font. he's such a baby sometimes.

-x-

i stayed for hours. chris let me make a shirt design, we put a show on in the background, and when i commandeered his laptop to play music, he got up to clean his room.

a few clothes on the floor does not a mess make, but chris hated things being out of place. something as small as a sock left unattended would poke the back of his brain all day. 

sometimes he would mutter things under his breath, talking to himself or singing.

“an i got all the drugs in the world that you need…”

“hold this.” (he tossed a shirt at me)

holding up a pair of sweats, chris asked, “...clean?” i shook my head. “matt’s room,” he decided, and took off up the stairs.

“you hungry?” he asked when he came back, hair disheveled.

i wrinkled my nose. “not for fast food.”

“you wanna make something?”

“god yes.”

chris laughed and pulled me off the bed. “let's go make something.”

-x-

we went up the stairs and upon hitting the landing, saw nick and madi pretzeled up together on the couch. “oh hey,” nick said, pausing whatever was on the tv. “didn't know you were here.”

“i thought you had a date,” madi said around a yawn.

chris seemed to sense the situation, or maybe he was just hungry, but whatever the case, he jumped in. “we're makin’ dinner,” he announced with a grin. 

“y’all still have pasta right?” i asked, making a beeline for the pantry and rifling through the shelves.

matt emerged from his cave, scrubbing his face with the back of his hands. “we should,” he grumbled, annoyed at the lack of sleep he was currently indulging in. 

“thank you. where.”

he nudged me over and produced a bag of angel hair noodles out of nowhere. “right in front of your face.”

“matthew…i'm gonna kill you,” i replied with zero emotion. 

he raised his eyebrows. “alright buddy. you makin’ enough for everybody?”

“don't see why not.” i turned my head and waved chris over. “we have water to boil.”

he saluted me and made his way into the kitchen, passing matt (making his way decidedly out of the kitchen).

“is the pot clean?”

“i think so.”

“can you get it?”

“yeah. you want the salt while i'm over here?”

“yes please.”

“tap water or filter water?”

i looked at him for a long moment. 

“i'm gonna get the filtered,” he said, snickering.

shaking my head with a smile, i let the stove heat up and stepped back so he could pour the water in. the muscle in his forearm tensed, offsetting the weight of the heavy filter. matt had turned the softer lights on, so gentle shadows lay over chris like a threadbare blanket. 

i stepped over and let my head rest on the side of his shoulder. his shirt smelled like him, he smelled like his bath soap and his cologne and the detergent matt used on his sheets, and his hair was dry and fluffy now because he hadn't brushed it and i could probably stay there forever-

“you okay?” he murmured.

“yeah.” backing off again, i slipped a smile on my face. “all good.”

“i think…it should be good,” chris said, scrunching his nose, fully concentrated on the precise water measurement.

i cut my eyes at him with mock concern. “it’s never that serious chris.”

“what if my pasta’s water content is important to me?”

“is it?” i put my hand on my hip, desperately fighting the smile that threatened to take over my features.

“...no. but what if it was?”

“i can't handle you anymore. when it boils will you put the noodles in?”

“noods,” he said in reply, as if that was in any way helpful or related.

“who's nudes?” Madi shot up from the couch, dark hair a mess. “your nudes??”

“no, not me, i-”

Nick’s face contorted in disgust. “someone sent you nudes?” 

“no no, it’s-”

“did you ask for them?” matt asked. having been seated closest to the kitchen and therefore fully aware of the context, he was just instigating. again.

i glared at the back of his head. “you're stupid.”

“that's not a no.” i could feel his shit-eating grin.

“who’s naked?” nick wailed, halfway off the couch.

“nobody! chris just-”

“so you didn't get nudes,” madi asked tentatively, still sleepy. 

i turned back to chris. “are you gonna help me at all?”

“who, me?”

rolling my eyes, i addressed the living room again. “listen, chris just shortened the word noodle, THAT’S IT.”

"oh. why didn't you just say that?" nick snarked.

madi had already burrowed into him for another nap. nick let their show play on, detangling her hair absentmindedly. i shook my head and smiled.

-x-

“i'm gonna go ahead and put the noodles in,” chris said, already breaking them.

“thanks. you wanna make sauce or use the stuff in the pantry?”

“ugh, what's in the pantry,” he said, “don't feel like making anything that intense.”

“mkay.” i pulled the door open and began to hunt. the sounds of the house washed over me - RuPaul’s Drag Race from the living room, chris stirring in the cracking noodles, and matt typing away on his laptop. i smiled again. this house, these people, their lives - it put me at ease. 

“‘scuse me…” chris said from behind me. i jumped as he drew out his words and stretched his hand around my shoulders to pull a spice off the rack. he felt me startle, he must have, because chris looked down at me with curiosity. “i scare ya?”

“only a little bit,” i said, lying through my teeth. he put his arms around me and enclosed me in a hug. “i'm glad you're here.”

my hands took hold of the forearms crossing my chest and i leaned back into him. “thanks.”

i felt his lips against my neck, pulling into a smile. “i'm always happy when you're here.”

the sugar-sweetness made my teeth ache, and i leaned forward. He let go easily, just like he did everything else in life, and spiced the noodly water on the stove with gusto, letting dark flecks fall to the floor. 

i love you.

he looked a mess with his hair unbrushed and his brows unkempt and his smile unguarded.

i love you.

chris, who always handled my heart with care.

i love you.

how many ways could he tell me he loved me before i believed him?

here goes nothing.

“chris?”

or perhaps everything.

“yes ma'am.”

JESUS FUCKING-

my ribs cracked, splintering bone shards into my thundering heart. i reached for his chin, letting my fingers fall atop his skin and ever so slightly pulling him toward me. when his eyes met mine i couldn't wait any longer. “do you love me?”

chris didn't miss a beat. “of course i do.” he pressed his cheek into my hand, his head tilted adorably. 

“no i…i mean like. for real.”

“come here.” he pulled me into a hug and i pressed my nose against his chest. “i've never been…afraid of it. love. with you.”

well that's good.

“of course i love you,” he said.

“...that's cool.”

a pause.

“really cool, in fact,” i continued. fucking tears. ruining my moment.

“are you crying?”

“no.” 

“liar.”

“yeah.”

“sad crying?”

“happy.”

“that's good.”

“mhm.”

“you want me to let go?” his arms didn't budge from me.

“don't you dare.”

“yes ma'am.”

“you're burning the pasta,” matt huffed. we jumped apart, faces tomato red. 

“yeah yeah you're so cute, i'm gonna be ill, puke gag retch, whatever,” he said, turning off the heat and moving the bubbling pot. “i'm hungry.”

nick and madi sat agape on the couch.

chris kissed my forehead, still grinning like a maniac. “wanna eat?”

i smiled. what is this, an epidemic? “yeah.”

“we can talk about it later okay?”

i smiled. “okay.”

-x-

ps: the noodles were delicious.

request to be on the taglist here

thank you for reading!

- bambi <3

[blamemma]

very self-centred, pathetic post, under the cut. just something i need to write i think.

i kinda knew that this day would hurt. and it does. its finality. its 'daniel. daniel please where are you. come on daniel wear a silly outfit and turn up at the paddock please. model ur new enchante for us please". tomorrow will hurt even more. no RIC on the timing boards, or on the onboard camera selection. but for me, i feel like i've lost a little bit of purpose. this year, i've definitely taken a step back from posting. my job has taken me away from a lot of race weekends. but when i am here, i love providing. i love refreshing the photo websites and seeing my guy, and sharing that with you all. just before i sleep, reading through all the fun (and deranged) tags y'all would leave on my posts. it was such joy. i truly never did it for the accolades or anything like that. i did it for the community. and i love this community so deeply. and i feel like today and evermore, what do i provide? i don't write, i don't make gifs, i don't make beautiful soul-crushing edits. my outpouring and expression of love to daniel was in content update. and that feels stupid to say (type) but god, just the unexplainable joy of a new daniel video that was so funny or pretty or anything else, and knowing that so many of u were also going to enjoy that was delightful. and this would hurt any weekend, but especially on cota weekend. i've sat and gone through my archive today, and sobbed a lot at so many videos and photos of him from over the years at cota. however shit the weekend may have been for him, he always glowed so differently at this race. his confidence was unmatched. my fingers twitch to refresh getty and see a new photo of him today and realise this was a bad nightmare. he's still a f1 driver. but nope. and instead its just a weird gaping hole. i loved race weekends. i loved the structure of them. i loved knowing for 3-4days we'd all be here, delighting together in daniel. that....structure. those set in stone dates are gone. and i just feel so weird about it today. not providing. not having something to provide. in the first week of this all, i said to friends, i really struggled seeing us all so sad, and not being able to do anything at all to bring happiness or light to the situation. and weeks on. that still remains. its funny, that the thing that has brought us so much sadness, could be so easily fixed by the one thing that won't happen. him being in that car tomorrow. him showing up today for media day. one photo. one instagram story. of him walking into the paddock today as a driver. for media day. would delight us all. but it just...won't happen. maybe, probably, never again (don't worry, i'm still a lil delulu). idk sorry, there was a point to this, but i'm finding it hard to properly articulate it. i think it's overarchingly, my fear that the community i have built here, on blamemma, might slowly dissipate. and that's okay. but it's also such a shame. we should have had so much more. he should have had so so so much more. maybe we'll get it again (don't worry, i'm still a lil delulu) but this emptiness feels so strange today.

but this is also to say u don't need to have a "purpose" in fandom. those who simply reblog, are the bricks that built this mansion. i just mean all of this in terms of how i have interacted within fandom for a while now.

[rbinsgf]

Turn the other cheek, and I take it on the chin /Part 2/

Part 1

The sky was blue, two and two made four and Eddie was a coward.

Those were the irrefutable truth of the world. Eddie used to call his behavior "self-preservation" when he ran away from cops and angry jocks mob, or when he skipped a class he couldn’t understand, or when he ran away after witnessing one of the most traumatizing death in the history of mankind.

But as he saw Robin Buckley angrily stomping down his stairs and into his basement, he couldn’t qualify his next course of actions of anything but cowardice.

He had known day more glorious but as he shielded himself from the furious woman with a, for once, quite Mike Wheeler, he couldn’t care less about his image in front of his club.

Hypocritical right ? Yeah that’s another truth Eddie was very well aware about himself but who would dare look him in the eye and spit that fact in his face ?

Robin Buckley actually, as she did not hesitate to shove Mike out of the way and grab Eddie by the collar of his worn out Hellfire shirt, bringing him dangerously close to her angry red face, and shoving him against the wall.

"You, Edward Theodore Munson, are the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever seen. How dare you force those big monologues on conformity and "Hawkins’ monster" on us on top of those poor cafeteria tables, only to turn around and do exactly what you so loudly claim to be against ?"

Eddie was petrified, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from hers. The basement was as quiet as ever, everyone seemed to hold their breath, too scared they might remind Robin of their presence.

"Steve changed, actually no, he didn’t change. He just had the courage to show his true self, he stripped away from the role that was forced on him by his parents, friends, everyone in this shitty town and by you too. He would and has put his life on the line so many times for every single one of you," She said the last part louder, slightly tilting her head to the side towards a specific side of the table but never moving her rage filled gaze from Eddie’s wide eyes. "He trusted you Eddie, he confided in you and what did you do ? You humiliated him by using his vulnerability against him. I hope you’re happy your pathetic little audience appreciated the spectacle." A protest formed itself on Jeff’s lips but was quickly shut off by a quick glare and an honest to god growl from Robin.

"You know what truly breaks my heart Eddie ? Steve still defended you and he doesn’t even blame you ! Do with that information what you want but I hope it makes you feel so bad you won’t be able to look yourself in any type of reflection for as long as possible."

She slowly stepped away from him, releasing her grip on his shirt and making a show of dusting him off,

"If you want to know what I think of this shit show Eddie. You don’t deserve him." She turned around, facing the kids, "and you guys are a bunch of ungrateful brats who don’t deserve Steve and all that he does for you."

She only looked at the older Hellfire members with disgust before turning back to Eddie. The man in question was looking at the ground, his head hanging guiltily and shoulder hunched.

Robin stepped back into his space, her mouth close to his ear, and let out her final strike in a quite sigh,

"And to think that man saved your life.."

With that, she left as she came, the front door banging loudly behind her.

That last sentence she had whispered in his ear sent a glacial chill down Eddie’s spine. It stabbed through his chest in plain and shameful guilt. Eddie sat heavily on his throne. A throne that Steve had spent two weeks making since the basketball team had burned his old one when he was on the run. He lost himself in a spiral of shame and regrets, cringing at himself as he pictured how it all went down earlier and how, even after noticing Steve leaving, they’d kept that same behavior. Laughing at the expense of the poor man like hyenas. One by one, the older members left quietly. The kids stayed a little longer, sitting in silence before all leaving in a quiet agreement. Eddie only registered Dustin telling him they will be using the phone to call for a drive home. A drive home that, for the first time since the boys had joined Hellfire, wouldn’t be Steve.

Eddie had fucked up, that much was very clear. He also knew why he said all those horrible things, he craved the validation and admiration of his sheepies and hellfire friends.

The only way he had found to maintain those was to do what he had always done.

To the detriment of his friends, Eddie was a hypocrite, selfish and coward man. Eddie saw an opportunity to remind his club of who he was, Eddie "the Freak" Munson, natural nemesis of the jocks.

Robin’s words kept circling in his mind viciously.

The sheer fury that emanated of her trembling frame was enough for Eddie to imagine how bad his words must’ve affected Steve.

He knew those exact words would hurt him and he still said them.

He also knew Steve, through and through now, and with that came the knowledge of what Steve might be thinking about himself right now.

Because his sweet, kind and good Steve, didn’t even blame him one bit. Eddie’s words had definitely hit a very tender spot in Steve’s myriad of insecurities and self doubts.

The man was probably descending full speed through the worst of his self deprecating thoughts right now.

Eddie wished the bats had eaten him alive as the thought of Steve believing Eddie saw him for who he was not.

Eddie would rather Vecna came back as a zombie than Steve Harrington taking his stupid, stupid words at heart and believing them.

If Eddie was going to do one last thing, it was to make sure that Steve knew he wasn’t seen as anything but the painfully good man he truly was.

Resignation filled his mind and he pushed himself up from the throne, walked out of the basement and took the keys of his van before stepping, in the soon to be dark, street.

Eddie was going to see Steve, apologize but most importantly beg the man to not take Eddie’s words for one of the universe’s truth.

It’ll be the last thing he’ll do if Robin Buckley didn’t kill him before for daring to stand in the same vicinity as her friend.

———————————————

Here’s part 2 !! And Eddie’s pov yay !! I’m so grateful for your response to the first part as it’s also a response to me getting back to writing and it motivates me so much guys !!!

Next part will be up in a few days since I’m going back to college full time but I’ll do my best to update this little fic as soon as possible !

I tried to tag everyone who asked for it and hope it all worked ?

Love y’all gang ! 🫶🏼🧡

Tag list : @liketheocean @cameheretoread @doubleb11 @m-owo-n @moonage-daydreaming @shitnshit @throwbackthrowaway @a-huge-nerdy-nerd @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @zerokrox-blog @summer1066 @thesuninyaface @i-less-three-than-you @gamerdano @ineffablecolors @warriorwerewolfheart @tinysuits @cr0w-culture @thatonepotatochild @classicwho @lololol-1234 @what-is-life-but-an-empty-void @victor-thee-corvid @little-gae-shit @livelaughlexa @a-little-unsteady @stevie-crow @val-from-lawrence

[isa-ghost]

My friend

I am gonna do it

WHAT ARE YOUR Q!PHIL HEADCANONS MY FRIEND

YESSSSSS

Here's Set 1 and Set 2

Now M O R E

He won't do it without prompting because he'll feel like an ass giving nobody else room to talk, but if someone got him on the topic of like. Exploration or flight or something, he could talk for hours. He's extremely knowledgeable and passionate about stuff like that, most times because he has centuries of experience

I don't want to diagnose cc!Phil or whatever bc I know he doesn't like when people do that, but to me his rp character is free reign. And as a psych major with ADHD who's focusing on the study of neurodivergent disorders: this man is hella ADHD coded. He's told too many personal stories that are relatable to me for me to be silent about it. I'm 🤝🏻 this crow man

In his case this isn't a nd trait but instead a crow one, but he experiences echolalia sometimes. Funny things or certain noises he hears just scratch an itch in his bird brain real good, he can't help but repeat it for a while

The way to Phil's heart is good food, fun to be around, and kicking ass. If you can tick those 3 things off for yourself, you're Phil Approved

He'll say he doesn't fall for peer pressure, and often times he's right. But on rare occasions someone like Fit or Etoiles can convince him to do smth he maybe wouldn't at first. It's easier to win him over when he's drunk

cc!Phil has talked abt how he gets a weird confidence boost when he's drunk as shit. That's real for q!Phil too. He could be staggering slurring speech drunk and still snipe something like 50 blocks away. It makes Fit and Etoiles want to kiss him about it

He has intentionally made almost his entire wardrobe varying shades of green, which he pairs with black, red & gold. He thinks it's funny to have a branded wardrobe like an anime character

Idr how canon dsmp is to q!Phil but he still has the friendship emerald charm hanging from his hat. Perhaps it's from the Antarctic Empire days instead. Idk, I just like the character design of Dangly Thing On Hat Brim too much to exclude it from his design in my head (I should rlly attempt to doodle my Phil beyond the random notebook ones I've done. Maybe I'll post those if asked idk)

Don't underestimate this man's ability to get dramatic. Tallulah ain't the only one in the family that can go hard

I wouldn't say he has a bad temper. He's very well-practiced at self-control. However, there are certain things that set him off so severely, he throws self-control out the window. Those things aren't worthy of him trying to be "the bigger person." They deserve their ass handed to them right here right now (see: The Codes pre-current lore).

In a similar vein, when the situation isn't one of those special Fuck This incidences, he still doesn't have a temper, but when he finally snaps, he SNAPS. Like on a The Polycule be like "mark me down as scared and horny" level of snap. When you get on the Angel of Death's last fucking nerve he let's you KNOW.

I'm self-projecting here: this fucking idiot man has a detrimental habit of insisting on handling stuff like anxiety alone. He hates when people see him without his composure. It's not even like an embarrassing thing, it's just very uncomfortable to him. So when a panic attack hits or he finally concedes and let's himself cry, it's alone. And sometimes that makes it worse. But even that doesn't make him change his mind. "Keep it together for the kids," right? :')

Having a stroke about thunderstorms is a reflex. Even on Quesadilla Island, the second he hears thunder he reaches for a trident like a dork.

He near-obsessively preens his wings because he doesn't want the Federation, or anyone else for that matter, getting ahold of his feathers when they shed. He doesn't know wtf they could do with those and he doesn't wanna find out.

And yet somehow Missa and Lullah both have a couple feathers that he's shed and he has no idea. Lullah wants to make a necklace out of them.

[signed-sapphire]

The Fallen Star ✨

A Wish rewrite

Asha redesign 💜

Hehe hi Anny sorry I’m basically stealing your reimagining format… let me know if you want me to change it

Anyways hi! Inspired by so many amazing Wish reimaginers (yes that’s a word shut up), mainly @gracebethartacc/@gracebeth3604 and the aforementioned @annymation, I decided to post my own rewrite! This being the character details.

Now, unlike the prior AU Ashas, my Asha acts less like a Cinderella and more of a… Kusco. If you catch my drift.

But don’t worry! Our girl is going to go through some major character development!

But first… let’s get to meet her!

(Ignore the shit quality this is the only art I have of her atm since I don’t have my ipad with me… will update with better photos later)

Princess Asha Arabella Arman is the heir to the throne of Rosas, the kingdom of wishes

It was founded by none other than her adopted father, Magnus Arman

She was raised by Magnus and Amaya for the past 8 years, and has been coddled quite a bit

All three of the Armans lost their homes to to the evil Stars, so Asha is against everything to do with Star magic

Just like the movie, Asha is 17 years old, and can’t wait until she turns 18 and can wish to become a great magician like her papa

No matter how hard she tries, wish magic doesn’t work for Asha, something she finds extremely frustrating

When this happens, she has a tendency to lash out and snap at people

Many servants have been fired for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but they understand

At least, the older generation does

Stars destroyed their homelands with their greedy magic, and Asha just wants to be as great as her parents

Though… they do think she could be nicer about it

Asha’s parents are always quick to come to her rescue and smooth things out after her temper blows up, rehiring staff and gently reprimanding Asha

They’re not the best parents but like they adopted her when she was 9, they don’t know how to deal with kids

Still, they love Asha as their own

Gonna get more into the king and queen of Rosas in part ii, back to Asha!

Becaude her parents are such great heroes, Asha feels very strongly that the citizens of Rosas should be treating them as if they are the most grand royalty ever

And as their daughter, she should be awarded some of the same privileges

Except none of the teenagers her age seem to like hanging around her, always calling her snobby and self-centered

Excuse me? She was not self centered! Asha just believed her kingdom deserved the best, and their rulers even better! Obviously!

Personality traits

Stubborn

Loyal (to those she deems worthy)

Spoiled

A bit naïve

Insecure but covers it up with WAY too much confidence

Bad liar. Will be important later on.

^But SUPER good at pulling out her “I’m your princess I’m better than the air you breathe” face when needed

Never seems to take her duties seriously… think Rise!Leo if you can

Backstory

So my rewrite’s epilogue is posted already, but imma put her angst here too anyways~

Stars used to help people fulfill their own wishes, until one day they got lazy and started simply granting them instead

This method messed with the system and drove the Stars crazy, mad with power, and they started destroying kingdoms to get more magic

Little Asha’s village was unfortunately one of the victims

Sakina and Tomás barely had time to react before the glowing streaks of light crashed through their roof

Screams echoed through the chaos, and giant hands made of twilight ink scooped up villagers

Tomás and Sakina grabbed their little girl and huddled over her protectively as another blast of scorching light exploded through their roof

When the dust settled, and the harsh glow had faded away, there was only one sound left in the village

The sobbing of a 9-year-old girl, crying and begging for her parents to wake up

That’s when Magnus came across Asha, and took her under his wing

He could fight away Stars, so Asha stuck with him

It took a WHILE for her to learn that Magnus wasn’t going to harm her, but hey, Magnus had her back through it all

After he and Amaya founded Rosas, Asha was reassured that she would never have to see a Star destroy everything she loved ever. Again.

Oh, Asha, if only you weren’t the protagonist of your story

Design

BEFORE I DO ANYTHING I WANT TO GIVE A HUGE SHOUTOUT TO @mythartist21 BECAUSE THEY DESIGNED BASICALLY THE WHOLE LOOK FOR ASHA AND CIELO GIVE THEM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE AND GO CHECK THEM OUT

*Ahem* So I did a bit of a deep dive into Asha’s design in the “pilot” over here BUT for her fully updated design today, notes below (a lot of it copy-pasted from here)

Asha’s concept art was inspired by Moroccan and Amazigh fashion, so @mythartist21 added a bunch of inspiration from that in her design

Our girl has her hair accessories back!

I gave her fuller lips and a longer nose bc we only had Jasmine for the nose rep in Disney Princesses, and she’s Afro-Hispanic! Show off her black features!

I also darkened her skin bc… I get that people from North Africa can have lighter skin, heck, Pepa from Encanto showed good rep for the lighter skinned Colombians! But like… we only have one other black princess. Let’s show off that skin color diversity

She also has wider shoulders, a bigger chest, neck, and waist, bc she’s not white but also WOMEN WITH MUSCLES>>>

Asha isn’t super jacked but she does have muscle defining and I want to write in a scene where she has no sleeves on so we can appreciate her arms

RatLD had Namaari’s back and my bisexual ass needs some more women to simp for

Eyeshadow as a reference to Elsa but also I felt she needed some color on her face. Miiiight change it later on when I add in her hair beads but for now she has eyeshadow

Gonna keep the many Rosas symbols bc she’s the princess of the kingdom, what do you expect?

Also she just looks older in general (even though she’s still seventeen like canon!Asha) which I think lends itself to her royal status idk

+ technically more realistic proportions which ig can be a callback to the times when animators did rotoscoping?

Dimples. Bc they’re fantastic

I TRIED to draw Asha with her fine braids, but people were complaining that canon!Asha looked too much like Isabella Madrigal, and with TFS!Asha having darker skin + longer nose structure + more haughty personality? Yeah, I gave Asha back some body in her hair

Idk I tried to make them look like the braids from this concept art ⬆️ (imagine they’re like this… I did the art at like 3am okay)

I HC that Asha’s canon outfit is her younger self’s outfit, down to the detailed braids done lovingly by Sakina

But after the incident with the stars…

Let’s just say Amaya tries her best, and Asha appreciates it

I also finally modeled our girl a crown! Based off of Amaya’s weird ass canon one, and the tiara look of the early Disney Princesses

Gotta make one for Maggie too…

[athena-swords]

Pick a pile reading

The main character energy you are coming in.what your friends think of you.what is your charm(intutive)

Disclaimer:It is the believer of the craft which knows what is to be taken and what to not so be mindful of it.

Here are the piles...

Pile 1

Hey pile 1 hope so you all are doing good.ohh this pile definitely have got the vibes so we can see a very confident and firey person in this pile those who are the 'popular' person in high school.Takes stand for what feels right and is loud about their thoughts. Some of you can be migrants or just love traveling the person you look in the streets and be like wish it could me one day. Winning and lots of small victories.

What your friends think of you?

Most of them think you are above average in your craft.The friends which gives great advice they may think you very much like to live in your own fairytale and sometimes will have to remind you of that.A competition they have to keep up with in carrer or school take what fits. Someone who have a balance lifestyle and don't have to dwell on management of their finances much.

What is your charm(intuitive)

Could smell expensive, femme vibes ,intense eye contact,lol I heard taste so idk take how you want,mysterious understanding of things (I hope u understand what I mean).

Pile 2

Hiii  pile 2 hope so the winters are giving you not so much of trouble  maybe people is you as a helper or more of a saver I am  Getting such a BAD BITCH energy from you but not that bitchy kind its more like if you mess with me or my people you are gone. you are kind at the same time you and pile 1 are a bit similar so you can check out that too if you want. life of the party or just someone who lives the  moment .a competitive person who like to WIN like its gives them the kick,validation, self confidence  what ever you would like to take it as . if you are seeing number 9 repeatedly you need to do a self introspection -message from your guides.....

What your friends think of you?

okay right of the bet your friends  konw how much efforts you put on the things you desire for (maybe you dont get the results soon though) they see your cute bratty side and love it as many of ur friends dont mind pampering you.ur love language could be gifting or just being there comforting them.all of ur friends are glad that you just know that they feel and what to say.BTW one of your friends might be missing  now as you are busy these days and not get to connect much they would like to go on outings again.

ok see from the energies I am getting I can say that your friends group genuinely care for you like all of them but just be careful of those whom you dont trust

What is your charm(intuitive)

bad bitch ,warm hugs in winter ,tired ,not sassy but can be...  at times, manifesting clear skin,2022 taught you about____

Pile 3

heyy my babies I hope you have learned your lessons like life been so hard on you like sooo fucking hard you are like the warrior who becomes more strong after each wounds yaa like I was not getting the right words for you  all my love goes to you like you know the character who goes through every shit but comes victorious at the end you are that bitch and never let yourself think anything less than that  you have overcome the worst so just hold on a bit and you will see that there is a happy journey written for you too and people who made you feel like you are nothing are gonna get there fruits dont worry YOU DO YOU .see maybe you dont had those happy memories or teen life hack I would even say childhood life but belive me when I say everything you imagined yourself doing you will be soon pursuing it your guides are telling you to just wait for a little bit until then remember they are there for you.maybe something or someone who you thought as your saviour left you or were not what you thought they were but dont worry the universe sees what you dont they were not someone you needed in your life they would have done more bad than good 

What your friends think of you?

you hardly have friends dont you or whom you can truly call your friend so been betrayed by a friend haa they left you out or were keeping you in the dark but dont take the blame they are just a ill moral and maniplative person but there is surly a childhood friend or a friend who is romantically interested in you darling I am just so sorry that I am not getting what they think but more about the situation IG you need these messages more as your guides are strongly giving these messages as last this friend or lover  admires the strength you have shown and are happy that you are trying to move on and not repeat the patterns within 4 to 6 months you will be meeting people who not only match your vibes but will understand you and guide you there they all will be probably more mature or eolder than you.hoping the best for you.

What is your charm(intuitive)

lo lita, my bag -song, counting starts-song, pitch dark, ghilbi studio character vibes, grand launch, muffins.

Do give feedback as it has been a log ass time .

[ego-meliorem-esse]

When you say "followed by a raging storm," what do you mean? What does that look like and what does Alfred's 'usual' raging storm entail?

Tw: drug use (yeah sorry)

To be honest its not a very common thing to happen. Just a silly example could be simply overworking himself. And by god, does he overwork himself. Alfred is the sort of person to bottle things up untill they overflow. He will do his work, then the extra work he was given, then he will do the extra work he gave himself, then maybe do a thing on the side, forgetting to take a break for weeks. Months on some occassions.

He realizes he has taken on too much. He will not be able to finish everything on time. At the same time it takes so much for him to get to this point of "i cant do this anymore" but also looking on from the outside it would seem be is folding at the slightest of obstacles.

Then all of a sudden he will break. When he does its usually unsettlingly silent. Its quiet and calm. If he is at a point of raging storm approaching, he will quiety shut down his laptop, turn off his phone, lock all the locls on his doors, and probably just lay himself on the floor. He will eat nothing and drink nothing. Its the whole quiet before the storm situation. Tho the storm in his case has already begun. His mind is working overtime and he cannot focus on a single thought. At this point its difficult to speak to him, he will not form sentences. His mind is a house with dozens of windows, all open. A hurricane is outside. All the windows are creaking, banging and letting in the storm. Which one do you close first? Is it even worth it? What if you close one window and the damn door breaks open due to the storm?

Every little whispering voice of self doubt is screeming at this point. And every critique or simply unkind word by another person/nation set aside is coming into full view.

At this point the only way he knows how to quiet down the thoughts and feelings overflowing is either taking antidepressants and anti anxiety pills stashed away, perscribed by a doctor but untouched untill now, or simply snorting cocaine. At that point he is feeling exhausted, negative and self conscious. Those are relatively unfamilliar grounds. Coke gives him the opposite, something he is used to: the feeling of positivity, energy and confidence.

Absolute shit way of dealing with his feelings. Alfred can be exceptionally intelligent, and he is most of the time. He is stupid tho when it comes to feeling feelings. Zero knowledge. He is just "ew bad feeling, ew ew, go away, no like, have to remove".

Sorry this is probably not the answer you wanted, especially not including drug use but I'm afraid it's 2 am, my brain is fried and I got college tomorrow all day so this is my coping mechanism.

I love my big boy Alfred but he needs to leave the lines alone stg

[weirdmageddon]

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is?

ive never experienced it, all i experience is like….relaxation, monotropic autism flow state, calms me down enough to not get overstimulated by my own thoughts (i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling. in fact, the opposite, where it’s like a “catch and release” sort of experience to train of thought most of the time. i mean i’ll still definitely hyperfocusing on something which you could consider getting “hung up” on but thats just normal autism stuff and i feel like i can mine for more deeper insight riches in those hyperfixation tunnels when high.

it also definitely helps me unmask. like my mask is sort of built into my core personality and “self” but i find it hard if not impossible to shut off even when im alone because ive internalized the external social sphere. but THC (i should note im taking Δ9) like…. takes the edge off, and i feel less conflicted about my thoughts? like i’m more confident in getting my thoughts out there without worrying about people judging me for how i phrase things or how hyperspecific im being to my own interests. i feel like i dont have to water things down as much because i dont feel as threatened by judgment externally, and in turn internally

i looked up my question about what “weed paranoia” feels like on reddit and the common answers ive seen were:

generalized anxiety

“everyone knows” / you feel like people are watching or judging you and that youre gonna be in trouble

“You’re very aware of your own actions and existence, and assume everyone else is also.”

heightened self-reflection (for some people this freaks them out??) because different perspective

more vulnerable

but i’m not satisfied with these answers??

i want to know if people who get paranoid have these traits while sober/before getting high. like, is it just non-introspective people getting freaked out because they’re considering their own actions/thoughts and existence? or do introspective people who are used to metacognition also getting freaked out?

are people afraid of confronting their weaknesses that weed makes them aware of? are people who normally hide from truths more likely to get paranoid?

ok so i can only fully know my own mind; that is my reality. i have a habit of assuming people more or less share the same phenomenological experiences in their minds, but since i’m autistic i’ve had to expand this boundary over and over continually reconciling with way more diverging phenomenological experiences than i thought.

so i normally i have thoughts about my own thoughts pretty much at least five times every hour, every single day of the week. i do not experience is not a bad thing, it’s a neutral and even good thing. i think i am insightful by nature and always have been, ive been described as such. i don’t know how normal this is for the average person. weed does enhance these metacognitive thoughts i have to an even higher level, and i feel very, very pulled towards them in a good, flow state way. ive also been told my guarded chilly heart melts a bit and i become more open/vulnerable while stoned but that’s because i don’t feel as vulnerable as i normally do. so i dont hide or clam up as much away from psychological openness or whatever exact shit enneagram type 5 is on

but anyway even without weed i normally feel “outside” of my own thoughts, always judging them from a third person perspective, or even multiple third person perspectives through reframing. so i dont feel like i have a defined or clearly illuminated sense of self. i’m not trying to really “find myself” so much as uncover it. like, it’s definitely there to begin with i can feel its presence, but the specifics are obscured and i’m trying to bring them to light. i automatically isolate logical components from emotional components into their own boxes and rarely acknowledge the emotional box because it’s unhelpful in more circumstances than not so it’s all a pretty clinical process when i make sense of things

because i can do this i’m never afraid of the truth; in fact i actively go in search of it and honestly it feels like THC helps me achieve that on MYSELF and it makes me very satisfied

i also don’t know if what i said is normal. am i comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree over most people, or about the same as them?

i saw this comment and it’s like….. that makes sense with disinhibition of the frontal cortex. i think way too much about the rhetoric and kairos of how im communicating information to others normally, but with these consciously overthinking circuits driving and modifying my social thoughts and behaviors being turned down while stoned, i find i dont care as much. it’s like my conscious autism masking is peeled away, so i feel more content while stoned. and it also makes me more open as a result.

like i said, “i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling” which is how this guy is describing “going with the flow”

the takeaway is i dont have a negative reaction to when i realize unpleasant things about myself while high. it’s just this neutral acknowledgement. this even goes for physical things that usually tip people off like their heart rate being “too fast” while high. i do perceive it also but theres like no anxiety with it, again just neutral observation and acknowledgement

basically im Actively looking for this

so some questions:

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is like, taking into account the gist of what ive said? if you experience it do you have any insight into why it happens? does anything ive said have to do with it? do you already have neurotic tendencies (low resistance to stress)?

what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

why am i experiencing pretty much the polar opposite of the way weed paranoid people are describing anxiety of being judged? or like the thing about my feelings of vulnerability?

am i more comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree than most people, or am i actually about the same as them? am i more introspective/metacognitive than most people, or am i actually about the same as them?

if people who ARE already introspective get high and feel paranoid, why would that happen—wouldnt they be used to uncovering things about themselves? are there other reasons? does one’s sentiment to oneself play into it? neurotic traits?

oomf said “your high is always driven by how capable you are of passively defusing triggers for a bad trip”. the explanation for how well people tolerate THC ive gravitated towards outside of genetics (since my mom doesnt tolerate thc well but i do) is ability to deflect stressful thoughts, or how impacted you are by stressful thoughts in the first place. is this anything?

i hope im describing these things adequately so i can get the answers im looking for lol. please tell me if any of this means anything to you or if its just words

EDIT:

^ to me everything is great and feels significant, but is that because the things that feel significant are themselves good? if weed makes stuff seem more significant (too much dopamine weighs negative inputs too highly), that means it amplifies what’s already there (while also amplifying “noise”). so that tells us about the nature of what is already there in the mind’s contents, then?

so again, question 2: what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

[confused-disaster32]

Okay so this is kinda mildly related to the post I made a while back about people making a crossover between diff Mike Faist characters but also slightly unrelated.

Anyways - here are some of my HCs that Art Donaldson can sing (Pls don't hate if you don't like/think it's OOC and stuff - this is pretty much completely self indulgent)

He's always been able to sing, and he actually really likes it

In terms of natural talent this is probably the thing that he's best at - like yeah he's good at tennis but he's always had to train super hard - when it comes to singing it's like how Patrick is just naturally great at tennis

He also happens to like musical theatre - when they're kids Patrick teases him for it and Art tries to say smth about how there are plenty of straight male theatre kids out there (Patrick always scoffs, but he lets it be)

When he's younger he even joins a choir and in school he checks out if they have a musical theatre club - when they do he joins

When he starts to get very into tennis he stops any extracurriculars that include singing, he's got to work extremely hard to be as good (or one day maybe even better) then Patrick

He still likes it he just doesn't have time, by the time they're in college it's something he really only occasionally does in the shower or if they're at karaoke or something (and occasionally just when he's really drunk)

Additionally with all the exercises and practice (and pining over one (both really - though he doesn't know it) of his friends) he doesn't really even have time to consume musical media like he used to

In fact the first time Tashi hears him sing it's cause he's drunk and he just happens to like the song on the radio

He doesn't sound as good as if he was sober but Tashi makes a little comment about him not sounding too bad later

When Tashi gets injured (and when they start dating) he pretty much stops all together - he has to work hard to be great, because he wants to be great (and because he wants Tashi to be proud of him, because he knows that she was the one who should've become a great tennis player and he figures maybe if he can be good enough for her she'll be able to live through him just a little bit and she'll stop looking so sad and maybe that little bit of hatred in her eyes will finally disappear)

When his daughter is born he doesn't stay home for long - no matter how much he wants to - but when he does he offers to sing her lullabies and sometimes Tashi will watch

In those moments their home feels genuinely filled with love and warmth

Then he goes back to tennis

When he gets injured he's at home for a while and he lets himself go back to some of the things he enjoyed

He watches movies with his daughter and catches up on musicals that he hadn't seen yet

More then once Tashi comes home and Art and their daughter (srry I don't actually know/remember her name) are both cuddled up together, maybe they're asleep, maybe they're awake but there's always the sound of a Disney movie playing softly in the background - like if they did fall asleep it midway through the movie

Art's not entirely sure when he started to want to retire but moments like that sure did help the decision

He stops singing again when he gets back on the court - he's lost his confidence from being away for so long and now he has to face Patrick - he feels kinda like shit

When he finally retires he finds a lot of time to do things whilst Patrick and Tashi are out of the house

He catches up on even more musicals and goes back to learning the songs that are his favourites

He dances around with his daughter and almost every time that Tashi and/or Patrick comes back late he's either on that couch by himself or with his daughter

When his daughter talks about wanting to sing he supports her fully and even teaches her how to not hurt her throat when she sings

He also offers to let her join a junior choir

He never quite pushes her - not like some parents push their children to become stars

He wants her to still be able to enjoy it as a past time - because sometimes making things into a challenge can suck the light and fun and happiness out of something (and boy does he know it)

For the first time in years (or maybe ever) the Donaldson (and Zweig because Patrick is pretty much always there) household is filled with music and singing and laughter

Tashi still gets to live with her life including tennis and Patrick gets a great coach and Art just gets to enjoy himself, spend time as a father and maybe get back into a hobby that he thought he's have to drop for a career

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hey I'm really proud of you! I've been following you since before the poop-on-head days and always thought your art was great and you deserved to feel better about it. And it's so cool to see you in a happy partnership, more confident in your art, and doing cool things you're excited about.

...Oh wow. Then, I have many things to say... Thank you so much for this, thank you for sticking around, thank you for believing in my art from the start even though it's changed quite a bit since then (...though the Bob's Burgers influences will always be there, namely with my chronic aversion to drawing chins it seems) and especially... God, I'm sorry, cus I wasn't easy to deal with at those times. Which makes it all the more amazing that you stuck around.

Most people who follow me these days probably just found out about me recently, but like... 6 to 8 years ago my self-esteem regarding my art was very much down the drain for a lot of reasons, I was in my 20s and let's face it being in one's 20s is brutal, and talking about being asexual and having people respond positively to it really didn't seem like an option (people wouldn't care at best, and would jump to aphobia at worst). Heck, when I posted my first asexual comic I STILL thought I'd get the same kind of reaction as back then, so... Yeah I think timing and times changing for the better really helped on that too. Couldn't have done it back then and couldn't know it'd work out later, back then.

But... Yeah. Those weren't my best years and it means all the more that some people, like you, stuck around despite that. Daring to vent about anything on this blog or anywhere typically had most people rally up on me like I was a piece of shit for venting, which I probably was, but... Yeah, it also reinforces the whole "you're not valid and you're not valid for thinking you're not valid" feeling, go figure. Somehow even about VENTING, the environment seems kinder now (or maybe I just do it less. I dunno even).

Some dear friends, as well as my partner themself, got to know me during those tougher times, a lot of people abandoned me after putting me through the wringer because I wasn't doing well and as such as I wasn't easy to deal with, but... Yeah. Those of you who stuck around made me feel at least a little bit less shitty and that went a really long way at the time.

So... Yeah, thank you. I feel bad that you're on anon so I can't thank you more personally, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[consulting-ghosts]

You know what's bothering me. So many people are still shitting at Aziraphale. Not necessarily here, but on other platforms.

For those who don't know, it's confirmed by Neil that Crowley never told Azirphale that he lived in the car. That's also confirmed to me that he never told him what happened in Heaven post armageddon or about the book of life. That's wrong for two reasons.

1. Crowley was afraid of staying one night with Gabriel in the bookshop, right? He wasn't sure if he didn't pretend that he doesn't remember anything or he could just restore his memories at any moment. But Crowley was ok with Azirphale staying with Gabriel alone, through the whole season, when Azi didn't know that Gabriel openly hated him  or wanted him dead? If you think about it, Azi was in more danger here than Crowley, since he was the one who betrayed heaven and made them look stupid.

2. Crowley had no right to be mad at Aziraphale for wanting to go back. When Azi told him about the Metatron ofer, he should  tell him about the second coming, the book of life and other stuff he hid from him. Sure, at the end of the day, Aziraphale might still decide to go to Heaven, but at least Crowly would do everything in his power to explain his point of view and why he thinks it's a bad idea. Wanting to protect someone, doesn't justify withholding information from them, especially if it can put them in danger. The only thing it accomplished was sending Aziraphale to Heaven alone, without all the information about possible danger he would be facing there.

Also, I don't see Azi going back to Heaven as him being naive or going back to his old way of thinking. He knows heaven is toxic, but there are also angels like Muriel, who spend all their existence alone and away from others, and they don't know there's other life. Even if you look at Michael or Uriel or even Gabriel at some point in the past, they all seem to be so bored and done with what they do.They long for something more too, even if they don't know about it. I wouldn't be surprised if they all start a revolution with Azi next season.

Since I watched season 2, I couldn't put my fingers on Azi, because there's something different about him. You know what? He's just happy. Purely, unconditionally happy, like in these few small moments, we witnessed in the past. There's more to that thought.  He's comfortable in his skin, he's comfortable with what he does and what he enjoys to do, with his feelings for Crowley. That's where his confidence comes from. In allowing himself to be who he is without worry.

That’s why it saddens me, when Crowley is the one to put him down sometimes.  Like when he says that he magic is stupid or with Bentley situation. I know he doesn't mean it, he's just being a grumpy old man, but still.

Azirphale spent all of his existence feeling miserable and like a failure, because he was different. He didn't follow all the rules. He was mocked about human staff that he loved. He had to hide his true self, sometimes even when he was with Crowley. In season 1 we saw how he struggled to be himself  and be someone he was supposed to,  but probably never was in the first place. If you think about this, Crowley had to hide his true self too, even if for a different reason. That’s why they fit so perfectly together and why they have this deeper understanding. They always have been outcasts in one way or the other.

So seeing Azi feeling so good with himself and just loving his life is amazing to witness.

Also, I know, Crowley is there to save Azi or help him, but he's like a closed book most of the times, when it comes to how he feels. When you look at it,  most of their deeper  conversations were initiated by Aziraphale. Crowley is there to reassure him, but he rarely shares how he feels. He often turns everything into a joke, so it's hard to tell when he's actually being serious. I mean, Azi didn't even know, that he's Crowley's best friend, last season. I know he's been hurt very badly, but how many times can you pretend that everything is fine, when it's not? The sad thing is, when he finally decided to tell how he feels and what he wants, it was a little too late. I love him and I feel for him, but I don't understand his actions sometimes tbh.

As a conclusion I would like to know what happened to Crowley, that he decided to stay in his car for two and half years? Like WTF man? Did he snap post apocalypse, because there's no logical explanation for that? Did he think so low about Aziraphale, that he considered that he wouldn't let him stay in the bookshop? Even if for unknown reason, he didn't want to leave with Azi, why didn't he find a different apartament? If he loved his old one so much, he could change the next, to look the same. He could even steal his old stuff if he  wanted to, so whyyyyy???

If Gabriel didn't show up, how much longer did he plan to play this charade? He's so ridiculous sometimes.

[fish-want-women-me-fear-me]

I’ve been working through gender and I had a short interaction recently that has been fascinating me. I was talking to a transmasc coworker about gender and the main question I asked was “what is it like to be a man on purpose?” I always grew up being whoever people told me I was and I was raised pretty heteronormatively, so I feel I grew into a man largely through inaction. For a long time I felt nothing at all about being a man and I’ve become increasingly conscious of a sense of hollowness in the aspects of my sense of self that have extended from that, which fed into some depressive tendencies that only started to abate when I began to take small steps away from masculinity. These steps have been thought about, doubted, pondered over, and required a large amount of going out of my way for, mentally and practically.

Going back to the question, the guy I was talking to said he wasn’t a man on purpose. He just was that way the whole time. He showed me a picture of himself when he was 7 and he was just about as masc as today. He talked about how some of the stuff I said bothered me about masculinity bothered him too, but masculinity was just a fact to him.

What really fascinated me about this is that, on an elemental level, he described exactly what I described: growing into a man largely through inaction. What for me elicits a sense of emptiness, he’s just fine with. I have an instinct to find this challenging. I often feel much more like I want to be a woman than that I already am one, so finding that his gender as a trans man was just about as easy to slip into as my current gender presentation as a cis man didn’t feel like great news.

I’m trying to fold this into a practical understanding of gender. On one level, we’re different individuals. He probably didn’t internalize messages given to him about who he was supposed to be as much as I did growing up, and that probably put him on a very different road of self-perception. I don’t know the guy that well, so I can only guess.

I’ve come to think it’s a difference pulled from the shape masculinity and femininity take in general. I don’t know a lot of cis guys who feel like they have to try to be men. This definitely is not true in all times and places and ways; masculinity has a lot of pressure attached to it and that pressure is exerted differently in different settings, but we do live in a society with a masculine default. I think a consequence of that is that it’s easier to get to masculinity without really trying, whereas femininity is tied very strongly to a set of beauty standards that don’t just grow onto your face. My girlfriend works hard as shit every day to uphold the practice of her femininity and to be able to feel beautiful and that is closely connected to gender. The cis male people I know in my life do their hair (optional). Being a fashionable man is a character trait, but for women it’s an expectation.

I have no idea how common that guys experience of being transmasc is and I have no idea how common my own experience of gender is, so I’m not confident my descriptions of these experiences have wider implications.

My takeaway is that the difference between me and that guy is not that I feel a need to work for my gender and he doesn’t, but that we both experience the masculine default and he’s fine with it and I’m not. Because he’s fine with masculinity and I’m not.

I find this affirming the same way I’ve found feelings of dysphoria affirming in the past. I’m not one of those known-since-childhood trans women who got caught with their moms dresses. I’m also not bad at being masculine. I’m pretty good at it, generally speaking. I have chronic fatigue, but if I was strong and could fix things I’d basically have all the boxes checked. This feeds into a lot of doubt and scrutiny and ruminating and questioning any feelings about not being cis, so sometimes being in a scenario where I’m violently uncomfortable about being perceived as a man can help cut through it all in a way that’s not necessarily pleasant but is kind of refreshing. Seeing that I do have a commonality of experience with a trans man and that he finds something I find depressing to be totally fine is affirming in a very similar way.

I mentioned that I feel more often that I want to be a woman than that I am one. I think I don’t feel like a woman primarily because I haven’t had the chance. If I want the chance, I’m going to have to do a lot of stuff on purpose. And that’s just fine, I think.

[muttfangs]

being MI & autistic in the non acceptable / socially abrasive and not cute weird way truly is jarring and alienating. and it is Fucking Bad For My Self Confidence™️ idk I keep mulling over the interactions I had w/ my queer coworkers & peers this past saturday at work. I feel like sometimes when I speak to ppl (even other neurodivergent ppl...) I am speaking a completely unknown language to them. or like I said something horrifically weird when like... idk... its pretty normal to me?? I know I said something off putting in these scenarios bc of the sudden silence and looks I get. and I don't know what I said. and I don't *INTEND* to offend / scare ppl. I apparently say a lot of Strange Shit that I think is completely mundane. I hate being 'not like other people' a lot of the time. the way my coworkers both kiki'd with one another most of the day at work while I sat there feeling like. a ghoul. cretinous observer. every time I opened my mouth was just. idk. it haunts me. it makes me really fucking sad. it makes me feel like I'm not a person, and I already know 'fitting in' is incredibly difficult for me. I hate being reminded of how fucked up I am. I oftentimes also forget like.I need to dial back the mental illness / suicide jokes. I make those around my close buds bc they know me very well, but to the average person thats proooobably very unhinged and terrifying. MI / suicidality has been a huge part of my life since I can remember. and I forget most ppl aren't like me and these topics are pretty mortifying to the average person. most of the time I revel in my weirdness, and it doesn't really bother me. I know i'm a very strange person. I have been my entire life. but it hurts particularly bad when even other neurodivergent / queer people very obviously find me fucking repulsive 👍

[robo-writing]

hi hiiiii can I request a fic of clive x petite f!reader that's super timid anxious n shy, and overly sheltered and innocent to the point she acts childish and ppl sometimes mistake her for a kid? can't wield a dagger to save her life, would curl into a ball and cry if shit got bad, and the hideaway peeps would likely think of her as a load to carry but never admit it out loud bc they're good ppl

I see all these clive x reader fics where the reader is super confident, flirty, and a real bad bitch with a blade/magic/smth generally cool and like,, props to y'all sexy girlbosses out there but I've got no shame in saying I've got bad social anxiety and would realistically have a panic attack and go into shock upon seeing one (1) corpse. I need more rep for my softer damsel in distress girlies 🌸✨💞💫🌼

Oh I love this, we need rep for the damsels just as much as the femme fatales! (This anon also requested this be written for a plus sized reader!)

When Cid told you about his plans you freely offered your services. Sure you couldn’t fight, but you could very well act as moral support!

A resistance is only as good as its soldiers, and without basic necessities there was no hope of survival. Food, water, clothes, if you weren’t at the hideaway you were at the market restocking for supplies.

Even if you couldn’t fight you had a nose for a good deal, even Lady Charon was impressed by the haul you’d bring back at times

And you were such a sweetheart, always volunteering your time in order to maintain the hideaway

Perhaps it’s that loving nature that drew Clive to you in the first place.

You were no dominant, no soldier, hells you couldn’t even witness the sight of blood without being nauseous

But you made up for that in spades; your kindness, your willingness to help those in need

You may not risk your limbs against steel, but being a part of Cid’s grand plan meant that you were risking your life

And for that, Clive is more than grateful to have you by his side

Whether you believe it or not, you were risking your life just as much as anyone else here

You remind him that there is good in the world worth fighting for

Still, there is a small part of you that feels lesser for being unable to join in the action

You’re surrounded by talented fighters—Gav, Cid, Jill—the list goes on

Especially when it came to Jill, when stood side by side the two of you couldn’t be more opposites

A brave young woman who fought her way from slavery, dominant of Shiva, adept with a rapier

And then there was you, shy, timid, the sharpest thing you’ve ever held being a kitchen knife

But in those days of self-doubt Clive is there to ease the pain

Holding you close, fingers pressed into the plushness of your thighs, he helps you to free yourself of those nasty thoughts, he helps you to forget

And for that, you’re grateful to him.

You scrutinize yourself in the mirror, twisting and turning to see every angle of yourself, that nagging voice in your head pointing out every flaw in your reflection. It picks at all your insecurities with pinpoint accuracy.

Too weak, too big. A burden on everyone here.

The voice is silenced when you feel the familiar comfort of his hands around your torso, slowly swaying you in his hold with his head in the crook of your neck.

“You’re doing it again darling.”

You take the time to enjoy the peace he brings you before replying, eyes closed in bliss. “Doing what, Clive?”

A gentle kiss to your neck, he then turns you around to see you in all your glory. His hands find rest on your hips, as if the soft skin was made for his touch.

“You doubt yourself far too much for my liking,” he whispers. “I can see it on your face.”

You don’t have the heart to deny it, so instead you bury your face into his chest, nearly purring in content when he reaches up to stroke your hair.

“You are perfect just the way you are,” he says. “And I’ll spend the rest of my life convincing you of that.”