#for their reactions + emotions while they're going through some of the worst situations in the books is so evil to me 💀

[fromtheseventhhell]

This is about the Hound btw

[auncyen]

Same anon with the mira and bonnie ask, lobed your response but felt weird to just put it in w/o a question so if you don’t mind:

what do you think siffrin’s life was like before joining the party? Could be pre- or post- forgotten island. Idk to me its fascinating bc they were loved in some measure (cloak, jokingly running away bc of veggies) and are p in touch with their culture when they remember it, but at the same time siffrin’s mindset is pretty unhealthy. Like even before looping/during act 2 loops, they seemed unconcerned about serious bodily harm and death that would happen to them + just seems to have. A very strange relationship with people feeling sad instead of happy around them? Idk i just don’t think that’s from just the memory loss.

See I think kid Siffrin was pretty happy. As Isabeau notes whoever gave them the cloak and hat must have really loved them. When Siffrin recounts running away it's in a carefree way--he knew he could give his parents a scare and it'd go down as "just a prank". Basically their home life was really good. There are questions I have about the island's beliefs / values that might be troublesome, but I don't really think that sort of thing grates on a kid with a happy home life too much. (And also as a little note the only glimpse we get into the island's beliefs/values are through Siffrin and King, two individuals who cannot recall those things completely and are very traumatized, so like. Should probably take a grain of salt on how they portray the beliefs anyway.)

Post-island I admittedly read a LOT into how Siffrin finds Vaugarde's openness weird and had kept their hair dyed up until a few months pre-game.

In his experience, other countries are not as welcoming. So I imagine their teenage years were probably pretty lonely. This isn't to say other countries were completely awful--he obviously enjoyed Poteria's plays!--but they were juuust old enough where few would assume just by looking at them "uh, you're on your own, do you need help?" If they stayed long enough in a spot for people to figure out something was wrong it'd invite questions like "where are you from", "where are your parents", basically questions that'd make Siffrin's head hurt and probably lead to them cutting off the interaction if the other person doesn't walk away first because they're put off or alarmed by Siffrin's reactions. Basically, there probably WERE well-meaning attempts to help Siffrin. They backfired because people didn't know what was wrong with Siffrin (Siffrin didn't know what was wrong with Siffrin). Siffrin probably beat himself up for it when he knew the other person was trying to help and he was just too "broken". As a teenager he probably stayed longest in places where adults assumed he was a runaway that didn't want to talk about it and maybe helped him out in a more "hands-off" way--"hey, run this errand for me and I'll give you dinner and a roof for the night". Which, great! Because Siffrin finds a way to get by. But it doesn't deal with any of the emotional issues festering inside.

I also feel like, while this may be a bit dark for the fantasy setting, Siffrin probably got targeted at times for being a young traveler on their own. I mean I also headcanon that Siffrin was very good at escaping dicey situations, partially because they'd start Wish Crafting unconsciously if they were really scared, so they were never seriously harmed. But they weren't good experiences to have!

I also kind of headcanon that pre-canon with not knowing who they are like--they loved plays. But also, like. I can see them at times hurting when they think about plays, how they'd be portrayed in a play. No true name, no past, no home, no relations. At best they're the jester who mocks a King gone wrong and makes the audience laugh. At worst they're a side character killed off-stage in a tragedy, barely important enough to devote two lines to. What kind of play would have a protagonist with zero emotional stake in anything?

They try to be the jester, at least. Sometimes, when he's feeling brave enough. It tends to fizzle pretty quickly. (And then he meets someone who doubles over laughing at a bad pun.)

So yeah I feel like Siffrin pretty much mastered the art of getting by and also as in this post actually being pretty good at fighting pre-canon, but socially well. They can ask directions in at least half a dozen languages but can't be honest about how they're feeling or what's going on with them in a single blinding one. Then they meet a group that's in desperate need of another fighter and 2 of them are Vaugardians who are willing to accept Siffrin's eccentricities as just part of them and not ask questions and Odile's pragmatic enough to not rock the boat unnecessarily. I pretty much do view the group as being the first chance Siffrin remembers getting to bond with people without it going south by them wanting to know their background. Of course he loves them. Of course it doesn't really matter what happens to him, who's going to miss him?? They have homes and families and friends. They're the real heroes. He's just supporting cast.

...So yeah tl;dr pre-island vanishing I think Siffrin's life was just fine. post-island was an incredible amount of loneliness and the Universe putting his brain in a blender and idly hitting the pulse button every so often. This is not even getting into experiencing the physical side of puberty while not knowing who you are or who to ask for help, which, yikes.

[girlwonder-writes]

Self-Hype Day

Tagged by @judymarch15, inspired by @herrmannhalsteadproduction, I guess I'm doing this thing!

I've been struggling lately with my writing so I'm sharing all the bits of my writing that I love with everyone and links to the fics they're from. Hopefully y'all will leave comments or something when you see this.

@nine-one-wanton @lavenderleahy and whoever else wants to participate, just tag me so I can read about your favourite bits of your writing.

From Though I Know My Heart Would Break

She was a whirlwind, a tornado, a hurricane; she was the perfect storm through his carefully laid plans. And she fell hard. She fell hard for the guy Tommy wanted her to see. And he did nothing to dissuade her. He would follow her lead, anticipate her next move, he would go through the motions of what he thought romance was. He could feel himself in the gaps between loving and being in love. But what he couldn’t feel was a physical attraction and the one thing he couldn’t bring himself to fake this time. Caring about her was never the plan. The plan was supposed to be for something temporary until he found his footing. She always going to be another broken heart, another notch on his belt. But the house of cards was about to fall.

From Through The Fire And Flames

After eating quietly for a moment, something caught Tommy’s eye next to his glass of orange juice. A key. “Are you sure, Evan?” he asked, holding it up. “You look absolutely exhausted, you can absolutely take a nap here, take a shower, whatever you need before you attempt to drive yourself home. I would rather you crash here than crash your car somewhere.” “Thank you,” Tommy replied, visibly moved by the gesture.

From Chosen Family

At first, frustration and anger coated her voice. “Make me understand this, Kinard, make me understand why you would shut your team out on this, the team who’s been with you for 7 years now, and has passed through fire with you, been to the edge of death and back with you!” And then her tone shifted and the hurt settled in, her voice growing quieter as she added, “And why would you push the one person away who has seen you at your worst and still loved you anyway?” The expression on Olivia’s face said it all, the anger and the hurt a painfully intense cocktail in her eyes, locking with Tommy’s pools of simmering frustration, but did not connect on time to prevent the sudden spill of emotion. “You’re not my family, that’s why!” Tommy spat out derisively. And before Olivia could even process her own reaction thoroughly, she found her arm directly swinging towards Tommy’s face, her open hand solidly connecting with his cheek, causing several people in the surrounding area to stop dead in their tracks. And without saying a word, or waiting for Tommy’s reaction, Olivia fled to her car.

From Running Just To Catch Herself

With their hands linked, it became a silent game of chicken, and Olivia wanted to see who would let go first. As they walked down the hall together, getting closer and closer to the ballroom door, she hadn’t felt a particular need to pull away. But just a couple of steps away from the door, it was Eddie, just as she predicted, who would pull his hand away to open the door, and gesture for her to step forward first, which she did. And when he stepped into the ballroom himself, he walked alongside her but did not re-initiate the hand holding.

And the callback...

This was more than just waiting to see who would let go first while holding hands. This time, they were playing some sort of emotional chicken here, trying to figure out how much they would dare to risk on something more than a one night stand. And Olivia knew that whatever she was willing to put on the table, she was going to struggle to match Eddie’s energy. It would have been easy for her to let go first, to walk away, to run from a situation that scared her. But that would mean admitting (at least to herself) that whatever she and Eddie had going on actually mattered enough to scare her.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm the anon complaining about the f!AU with the weepy characters and I guess I failed to mention that the fic writer is doing a 1:1 rewrite of certain parts of canon with some of the characters genderbent.

So when I complain that she turned them weepier and more naive/stupid than they were in canon, it's not some inference of mine about how the canon characters would act, it's a direct comparison of canon vs. fic.

The canon can be pretty whumpy as well, but it makes sure to push the hypercompetent characters to their limits before making them break down, so you get a very clear idea of how far each one of them can be pushed before they're a suicidal mess.

Here are some examples:

- Character A is canonically a super open-minded, philosophical guy. That's one of his chief canon traits. When he realizes that he's sexually attracted to Character B, who is also a man, and that the attraction is reciprocated and could be consumed, his canonical reaction is "Hmmm don't mind if I don't! A gentleman should try every vice at least once!" It's actually B who's a bit reluctant about it because A is younger and more inexperienced, while A is making moon eyes at B and chasing him even after he gets married. He doesn't feel an ounce of anguish or conflict about having gay feelings for his friend at any point. In the genderbend, Character A is so anguished about "having those types of feelings" towards B that she bursts into tears and needs to be comforted. Character A has canonically faced the death of close family members and their own possible complicity in a close friend's execution without this extreme a reaction.

- Character B is canonically a trauma survivor, which has left him with a tough-skinned mentality and an impatience towards weakness and emotional outbursts. In canon, whenever someone reacts emotionally, he's underestimating of it at best and snappish/aggressive at worst, demanding that the other characters put themselves together. When his endgame love interest bursts into tears once (years after the scene from the AU takes place), he just angrily leaves the room because he can't handle it. In the f!AU, B empathically notices character A's anguish right before she's about to cry, and then she's solicitous and comforting and soothing towards B. Canon!B has a long tradition of dismissing A's concerns every time A is angry or emotional.

- Character C was seduced by the manipulative villainess at a young and vulnerable age, and then met her again after going through years of adversity. Character C's main traits in canon are that the adversity has left him cold and calculating and repressed, as well as very Machiavellian, so when he's back with the villainess he's no longer believing her bullshit and is masterfully using her for his own ends. In the genderbend, Character C's experiences of adversity have left her desperate for connection instead of closed off and mistrustful, so she falls right back into the villainess's arms because she craves comfort and genuinely needs to snap out of the manipulation. She breaks down the first time the villainess puts on her fake empathetic charm and seeks comfort like a child.

I understand that some of these (esp the last one) are the fic author's preferences for weepy whump but it just rubs me, personally, the wrong way how the only change is the characters' gender and yet the genderbent versions react a lot more along the stereotypical lines of "women weep a lot and put themselves in abusive situations because they can't stand being alone".

I love the canon characters for the mix of roguish badassery, grey morality, and complex inner lives, and I was SO looking forward to seeing female characters with the same mix of traits. What I found was closer to fainting Victorian ladies. I wouldn't be against seeing the female characters have mental breakdowns as well - as I said, they do happen in canon, and canon is also full of complex female characters who react to trauma in various ways - but I feel like there needs to be enough setup to explain why if you don't want them to come off as whinier and less resilient versions of the male ones.

--

[practically-an-x-man]

Talk shop Tuesday about how you came up with/the development of the latest chapter of Heartstrings?

Ooooh thank you!!

Talk Shop Tuesday

Honestly, the idea kinda came to me in stages. On the barest narrative level, I felt like this chapter needed to accomplish a few things:

There needed to be some conflict in Jasper and Kyle's relationship, both for realism (no relationship is perfect all the time) and to show the audience how they are when things aren't as smooth. They're going to hit some rough times up ahead, so we need to see that they're willing to stick together through the rough times before we get to the worst of the worst.

We needed to see how Jasper behaves in grief - same reason. I needed to establish their reactions to it here, so it'll be consistent later on. They're terrible about grief even when they have someone to lean on, so imagine how angsty it'll be when the person they lean on is the one they've lost.

I needed to give more depth to Jasper's relationship with their parents. Up until this point, the biggest development on that front was my sidepiece Mama, but not everyone who reads Heartstrings will have read that (though... that implies that I have other readers than you, and I honestly don't know how many have stuck around lol), so I needed to give it more depth in the main fic.

So those were my goals from the beginning. I needed to phase us out of the flirty scene-by-scene thing of the first act, and start establishing some deeper emotions and more extended plot threads. Not at the witches just yet, but... moving us closer to that so the tone-shift isn't as jarring.

Second thing: the first part of this chapter, with Kyle getting upset about Jasper sensing his emotions all the time while he has to just guess in return, was originally a separate idea. I came up with that first, and it was eventually going to be resolved by MK staging an intervention and bringing Kyle to the dorm to talk when Jasper got home from a nursing shift. I had that idea earmarked for the next chapter... and then I came up with the idea of Jasper's dad dying.

At first, I figured they'd be two separate ideas: I'd write the fight as one chapter, the grief as the next one, and then we'd keep moving. But then... idk, it was a combination of time and motivation that made me combine them.

On a simpler level, I wanted to start getting into the witch plot and everything sooner rather than later, and making those ideas two separate chapters doubles the time before I get into that. And on a deeper level, combining them led to so much more depth in each of the characters: Kyle being there for Jasper even though they were fighting, Jasper struggling with grief more than anything else and needing to rely on him, and their relationship repairing itself naturally without the intervention I'd originally planned. It just felt so much more organic than splitting the chapters up.

My favorite part to write from this chapter was when Jasper is still in that early-stage grief, and can only view the car trip in this short, time-separated intervals. They start out simple as the wounds are freshest, then gradually get more complex and descriptive as time goes on and they process what happened. Plus, stylistically, I think it's just a neat way to show what they're going through. And the contrast of Jasper (the nurse, normally good at staying calm in difficult situations) being utterly devastated while Kyle (normally lighthearted and goofy, with these really big emotions) is the one to be calm and help spur them on felt like a really good, human characterization for both of them during that emotional scene.

[ausrache]

old gods, eldritch entities & stimuli.

content warning(s): mentions of gore, alcohol & sexual themes. muse(s) mentioned: mali — matteo, gaia & zaya who can be found at @metrictita.

within the void, where all eldritch entities are born — a sort of vaccuum exists that suppresses or completely negates certain stimuli from the creatures living there. thus, the change from living in the void & then within the mortal plane (within a mortal body) is a SEVERE one that cannot be underestimated. some stimuli are so foreign to those entities that they can lead to overwhelming their state of mind & in the end even lead to becoming "frenzied" due to overstimulation. as explored in a meta before; for an eldritch entity, being frenzied is the worst as they're incredibly unstable & unable to control their emotions & therefore, also their powers. ultimately, this can even lead to death.

alas before getting into the stimuli that did not exist, let's get into those few exceptions first: the negative ones, essentially. pain, anger & even grief pour into the void like water since they're the very elements that make out the fabric of that place. because of this; mali & matteo have an extremely high tolerance for pain or negative emotions. they're almost indifferent to it, at times. for an example; matteo's hand could be cut off & it would feel like a gash at worst. on the other hand, gaia & zaya, who have prevailed their whole life on earth, experience them in an overwhelming amount.

looking at the paragraph above, one could already guess which stimuli were not present: exactly, the positive ones. happiness, pleasure, glee, excitement & generally, everything that is triggered by the hormose serotonin & even dopamine. due to this mali & matteo's reactions to situations involving those feelings are severe. they're sensitive to them because their reception is 20x times that of what normal humans would perceive. this outpour of positive emotions can cause . . . problems, to say the least. for mali, it's often a "glitch" in her voice. for matteo, he disrupts the fabric of time.

because of this, they've sort of chosen two different paths of how to experience life. while matteo has completely let himself go to a lifestyle of hedonism & pleasure, seeking out everything that makes him feel that "high" time & time again (be it through alcohol, gambling or simply sex) mali is sort of the opposite & has become a bit more careful due to her negative experiences within her "first life". essentially, it's a trauma response for mali because the first time she let herself experience those amazing emotions, she got betrayed by them & has grown afraid. it's sort of that mindset of "i can't allow myself to be happy, it will only end horribly." since her powers also exceed those of matteo, her reactions are also more severe. this is why she's very inexpressive & appears cold & aloof most of the time; she's constantly "turning off" her receptors & suppressing positive emotions.

more side affects of eldritch entities/energy living in the mortal plane:

they generally have a low tolerance when it comes to alcohol, however, it often only shows once they're quite drunk.

once they feel a certain emotion towards a person, it rarely goes away — however, the build-up for positive emotions, esp. love, can take a while.

eldritch gods in mortal vessel have different blood from humans. it's darker & thicker. it has no scent to it but "tingles" when in contact with organic matter & has a sweeter taste to it.

taste & sense of smell are both heavily amplified. gross food tastes 10x worse & vice versa with extremely delicious food. the same goes for scents.

[heathtrash]

What are your thoughts on Mildred and Hecate relationship? I kinda wished the writers toned down Hecate strictness a bit, sometimes it kinda looks like Hecate is being abusive to Mildred.

sO, i'm going to preface this by saying i do not engage with The Worst Witch for Mildred & Hecate content and have no particular desire to see any friendly feelings between them and certainly no maternal affection from Hecate for Mildred. my ideal for them is that they are a student and teacher in the same school and go through a natural growth of mutual respect by the end. Hecate simply wants her to succeed and has a distant level of fondness for her, and Mildred is at first scared of her but develops respect for her. that's not everyone's shared feeling of course! so just bear that in mind.

in book canon, Miss Hardbroom is far more playful with Mildred, though still has moments where she's actively cruel. it's clearly a source of amusement to her to magically sneak up on Mildred & co. while they're up to something, but not for the purpose of humiliating them. narratively, she's set up to be the Stern Teacher to Mildred's Book Dumb/This Loser Is You. (this is loosely the dynamic Constance Hardbroom occupies in 1998, but in general they make her deliberately less effective at commanding a classroom in this to allow more space for shenanigans.)

the 2017 series deviates by accentuating Hecate's strictness, which pushed her more into the Sadist Teacher trope at times. in fact, this was almost the reason i never watched it and decided to give it a miss after seeing the initial trailer (yes, REALLY; i'm sorry Raquel). that wasn't Miss Hardbroom to me, even though i don't really care about Mildred and Hecate being friends.

now i have a better appreciation for the reasons they did this (while i still think it's kind of,,, not wholly accurate to the character and reads as uncomfortable in places) and love Raquel's depiction of the character. to make Miss Hardbroom "scary" for this era's youth and more of an antagonist in select episodes, they overcompensated and went overboard with her cruelty. it's important to recognise that they were really going for nuance in individual episodes, which reflects the intended demographic of the series.

however, Hecate does have scenes where she has more than one side, but these are limited and fleeting (usually with an adult, and only sometimes with students in the life-or-death situations) and the growth doesn't persist between episodes. this is why the arc in S4 with her suddenly becoming the Misunderstood Loner with a Heart of Gold feels a bit out of character with the little to no build-up they provide. suddenly she's okay with random children hugging her, even though she's supposedly the teacher who puts professionalism first, who has always needed to maintain distance because everything that was revealed in S3 (i.e. she could never allow herself to feel anything for anyone because they'd just leave while she was stuck confined to Cackle's)? most forced growth ever.

i think one of the most obvious cases of Hecate's abusiveness is when she sends Mildred to Wormwood's Academy when she herself was allowed to remain at Cackle's after turning Indigo Moon to stone. but - a big but - she is distraught over Ada at this point (plus, this is the big finale and they had to have a "Mildred actually gets expelled" moment, so they can bring her back in time for her ultimate success). this is not to excuse her behaviour, but it is an emotional reaction that she herself acknowledges.

yet the abusiveness is also in the tiny things, like begrudgingly passing Mildred in her exams, constantly telling her students that they're doing badly, etc. and i fully stand behind that. i have some thoughts about the things children pick up from media about how they should be treated by adults, and The Worst Witch sometimes crosses some boundaries there.

there are definitely ways of portraying strictness that don't edge into abuse. this is mostly true of the book, but the 2017 series sometimes gets this right too. i would never want to take away a core characteristic of Miss Hardbroom by simply making her "softer". i think there were sometimes choices that could have been made very differently with Hecate, both in her unkind and kind moments, but that's not something that's very easily explored within each 28-minute episode of a CBBC show. and that's why we write fanfiction!

(also i wrote this in a very minimum effort moment without referencing anything so forgive me for not providing more specific examples. i'll probably talk more about this at some point when i'm not pushed for energy!)

[jerzwriter]

Hello, I hope this doesn’t come out as hate or anything, but sometimes you sound a little judgy when you keep saying that your MC has self-respect because she didn’t forget Ethan for leaving to the Amazon without telling her. And that’s super okay because it’s your HC(and your personal opinion), but there’s people who HC their MCs forgiving him even if he didn’t tell them and they’re also self-respected people who have a happy relationship and walk through life with their head held high. I don’t think they have to be mutually exclusive, and I think there might be people who wouldn’t forgive the things you put your pairings through (HC or not) and that’s also okay, it doesn’t take away anything from you or your MC. And I’m sure it’s not your intent to sound like that, because you seem like a nice person :) but you keep dropping that little fact randomly or praising others who HC the same for their MC, as if it’s the only right thing to do.

Hi Nonny,

I'll start this off by saying both my feelings about Casey's reaction and my thoughts on if I'm being judgemental are, well, subjective. They're my opinions, and I'm entitled to mine as much as everyone else is to theirs. If someone is offended by my expressing my thoughts, to me, it says the reader is of the belief that their POV is the only one that can be right. Otherwise, how could a contrary opinion be offensive?

I never think anyone has to have the same POV as me, especially in the world of fanfiction where, really, none of this matters. It's not influencing policy, law, or human rights - it's fanfic.

Canon is murky on how Ethan left/if MC knew. All we know is he didn't contact them while he was there, so it's up to us to decide how we think it happened. Many have expressed moral outrage their displeasure over my thoughts on Casey not forgiving Ethan, and, honestly, not to be mean, but I don't care. I'm not forcing them to feel the same way; I don't judge them for feeling differently. But it's my HC, my POV, and I'll stand by it. In the same way, I hope they'd stand by theirs.

In my T/C world, if Ethan had shown he had real feelings for MC (he did), crawled out of their bed just weeks before (he did), told them they'd "work it out" (he did), and then hopped on a flight and without so much as a heads up, letting her find out like she was just any other resident, like she was nobody. Then, yes, my MC absolutely would have the self-respect to say, "OK, this is not the kind of man I want to be with. I deserve to be treated better than this." It's ascerbated by the fact that he would have months away to think about it and reconsider his choices. Did he even call and say, "Look, we can't be together, but I handled this poorly, and I owe you an apology." He didn't. So, at best, he's not emotionally mature enough for her. At worst, he's callous, and she deserves better. I won't back down from that. This is how I'd react. This is the advice I'd give my best friend/child if they were in the situation. (Oh, keep in mind this is in HC, in AUs - anything goes. lol)

Everyone has their own lines in the sand... for their characters and in real life. Some people find jealousy appealing. To me, anything more than fleeting jealousy is an unhealthy emotion that is destructive and indicative of a problem that needs correcting. To some, cheating is forgivable. To some, it's not. To me, it's not forgivable in almost all cases, but there are exceptions, and it's a very, very personal choice. Will everyone agree with me? Nope. Do I care that they think differently than me? Nope. They're entitled to. Their differing POV is not a threat to mine, and mine shouldn't be to them.

I read and enjoy other OTPs that are very different from mine. I'm not threatened by them. You'll never see me telling someone their idea is stupid or wrong. I'll never criticize them or tell them my way is superior to theirs (it's just different). I'm not going to tell them they're crazy or should seek help because they view a fictional character differently than I do. That's just crazy talk.

Yeah, I love that in my T/C world, Casey told Ethan to take a walk after he treated her horribly. If I see someone with the same POV, I may say, "Good for you!". But I'm not sitting here telling others, "OMG, You're such an idiot because you had your MC forgive him. OMG, she's weak and pathetic. OMG, you must need help if you feel that way." You'll never hear that out of me.

[vaultofqueenorion]

I have a bad case of this, and while I am actively working on it, and there are still MANY things that I can get better at, here are some things that you might be able to do or use!

1:

I got this one from a therapist specializing in ADHD and autistic individuals but it might work for others, too. Your brain and your memories work like a tree - every memory is a part of it.

Your most defining memories and experiences - doesn't have to be one specific one, can be a lot that add up to a defining value over time. Also doesn't have to come from childhood but many often do - form the trunk and largest branches. Some of these branches are sick (trauma), and whatever they grow also become sick (trauma reactions - something like hyper-responsibility, for example). You must prune these branches.

So how do you do that?

One method: Recognize which branches are sick. This requires some introspection, but if you can recognize the situations in which you react out of hyper-responsibility or feel extremely guilty, this is a good step.

Another method: Recognize what led to the creation of these branches. For example, mine comes from a variety of things from my childhood such as close relatives guilt tripping me often to manipulate me, close relatives pushing responsibility onto me for things that a child should not be responsible for, attempting to create peace in my childhood home due to dysfunctional parental relationships ... so on. Sit with this and tell yourself that it wasn't your fault. Get angry, forgive the people who hurt you if you need to, experience the emotions that you forced yourself to turn into guilt and let them appear in your body. Know that it was not your fault and that you did not deserve it.

The most important part: When or if you recognize that you have the feelings of guilt, sit or lie down. Force yourself to sit with it and go through the following:

What am I feeling right now?

Why am I feeling this right now?

If it was truly 'my fault', what would be the worst case scenario? What about the best? How would we move on from here?

Most of the time, even the worst case scenario is something like 'they are mad at me'. Take the time to think 'so what?'. You are allowed to exist and they are allowed to have their emotions - this does not mean that you are guilty of a crime; we're humans - stuff happens.

The reason for why you should sit with it is because - as per the words of my therapist - you must 'rewrite the core memory parts of your brain'. Essentially, you must prune the branches by resetting the chemical responses your brain has to situations in which you have previously been led to feel extremely guilty.

This is a long and painful process. The first time I tried, I could only sit for a few seconds before I began spiraling into a panic attack. Talk yourself through it with your usual coping mechanisms. Then sit again, if you can manage, and try to really feel what is going on in your body. Try to think through the questions.

This will get easier with time. I promise you. I am so far from where I were and I still have so far to go.

2:

Talk to the person, partner about what they're feeling. Only do this if you trust the person and feel safe with them. Often, they will tell you about it, and it isn't as bad as your brain made you think. Sit with this, too.

3:

My partner has taken an active role in trying to help me have less guilt. Whenever I experience guilt, I let him know, and we talk through it in the following way:

What do I think happened?

Why do I feel guilty?

What is the reason that I should not feel guilty?

Often, trying to think about why I should not feel guilty helps my brain understand that it was not possibly my fault, and even if it was guilt does not help in the case of hyper-responsibility. Guilt indicates, usually, that you've done something, you did not believe was right. In the case of hyper-responsibility, guilt has become the default emotion to so many things - especially when things go wrong.

Treat yourself like you would a child that dropped their glass of milk and it shattered.

Were anyone hurt?

Treat the ones that were hurt if you are able - you are only able if you have the energy and capability and do not need to strain yourself. Helping should take less than 70 percent at least of your potential energy/capability levels for this moment (not for the whole day, week or anything like that. This is short term).

What can we do to clean this up?

Clean this up

At any point, ask for help. Not if you need to - just ask for help if it might be useful. Ask for help as a default (you might also have difficulty with this, but try)

Have your partner tell you when you are being mean to yourself and point out whether you would react in the same way if they had been in the situation. Most often, the answer is no.

I hope someone can use this to help them on their journey. You do not deserve to feel guilty all the time. You are not a burden.

You are enough, just as you are - yes, even, without doing stuff. Even sitting silently in a chair or lying in your bed, even gaming, even relaxing, you are enough.

Anyone else have that thing where you get stressed out when someone else is in a bad mood because now it's your responsibility to make them feel better, but if you're in a bad mood and someone tries to cheer you up you get stressed out because now it's your responsibility to pretend that it's helping to make them feel better.

[bloodraven55]

I saw a post recently where someone else analysed how Luz's love language is acts of service and Amity's is physical affection, and it got me thinking so in light of today's incredible episode I want to do some serious digging into Luz's feelings for Amity. This is probably gonna get pretty long but hey, these two are more than worth it.

I'm going to go through three key episodes for Luz and Amity's relationship so that I can properly illustrate my points, starting with Lost in Language.

First, I want to talk about how, despite the fact that Amity had been nothing but objectionable to her so far, literally all it takes for Luz to decide she wants to befriend her anyway is reading about Azura befriending Hecate in her book and seeing Amity reading to kids at the library. This clearly establishes that Luz is intrigued by Amity and willing to go out of her way to connect with her, even when Amity hasn't yet given her any particular reason to do so.

Next, let's talk about the manner in which Luz tries to save Amity from Otabin later in the same episode. This is one of the first times we see Luz attempt to be Amity's hero, as she chooses to make an unnecessarily dramatic entrance dressed as her own version of Azura, playing the role of the dashing knight come to rescue the fair maiden albeit not quite as gracefully as is usual in these stories lol. She even takes the time to doodle Amity being impressed by her performance too, introducing the idea that Amity's perception of her means a lot to Luz.

Finally for this episode, we get another example of both these things: Luz putting in a substantial effort to bond with Amity, and Luz wanting to impress Amity or get specific reactions from her. After impulsive plan to get them away from Otabin works, Luz finds the time to be a good even when they're running for their lives and actually manages to make Amity laugh which was an impressive feat at that point tbh, looking extremely pleased when her comment is received positively.

These next two moments provide a neat link to the next episode I want to discuss, Adventures in the Elements, so I'll cover them in one go. We see Luz's first Act of Service for Amity when she offers her the Azura book she's missing to show that she wants to be friends, and then when she meets Amity to get it back we see how important the gesture was for Luz. She's very eager to hear Amity's thoughts, loves it when she finds the fanart Amity drew, and in general it's just obvious that this was another attempt to impress Amity on Luz's part.

This only continues as Luz proudly proclaims that she's going to join Amity's class at Hexside, even winking at her in the process, and solidifies the significance of her giving Amity the book even more by suggesting they start a club to talk about it further. Like, seriously, this entire episode is pretty much just Luz being adorably excited to share classes with Amity and flat out learning a whole new spell just to make sure it happens.

The interesting thing here, though, is that Luz gets really nervous as soon as the twins suggest they all train together, enough to lie to them in a moment of panic, and then gets super embarrassed when she sees that Amity is also practicing at the Knee. This doesn't seem to make much sense since Amity is being pretty nice by this point and not at all mocking or condescending, and Luz has given up on trying to look cool to the twins by now too. But it actually makes a lot of sense when you consider that this is another instance of Luz wanting to impress Amity and worrying about looking inept in front of her.

There's also the way that Luz is just... so clumsy and awkward around Amity in these episodes. The girl knocks a book to the floor and falls off a rock just trying to say hello, for crying out loud, complete with stammering over her words. Yeah, it's safe to say Luz is lowkey crushing on Amity here.

Don't worry, because I saved the best for last. Enchanting Grom Fright is basically the culmination of everything those two previous episodes set up. Not only do we get two Acts of Service from Luz, with her offering to face her own worst fear for Amity with zero hesitation and then happily offering to go to Grom with her so that Amity wouldn't end up alone, but she also brings out some dramatic flair when she declares herself Amity's “fearless champion,” like a knight in shining armour vowing to protect her princess although she still hasn't got the graceful part down lmao.

Plus, there's the fact that in both of their Lingering Eye Contact in Close Proximity with Romantic Tension™ moments in the episode, Luz's expression is the exact same as Amity's, wide-eyed and curious like she's not quite sure what to make of what she's feeling. And that's even before she just full on starts flirting with Amity later on. I'm sorry, but those smirks and fancy show-off moves while dancing are not remotely heterosexual, Luz.

All of this brings us to their current situation: Amity is aware of her crush on Luz but thinks that Luz only sees her as a friend, and Luz is subconsciously flirting with Amity as well as trying to show off for her and be her hero but remains fairly unaware of her crush on her and thinks that Amity likes someone else. So in conclusion, teenagers are useless, but we been knew. Rather, the point I want to end on is that there's a reason why Luz and Amity were so in sync with such amazing chemistry during their dance when they weren't talking, and it's because they both have different ways of communicating their emotions but when they let their actions speak for them they were finally on the same page albeit briefly.

tl;dr - Luz and Amity are both crushing hard on each other, they just need to realise that the other has a different way of expressing their feelings and find the courage to be honest with each other. Amity's crush is more glaringly blatant, what with all the blushing and gay panicking and wanting to ask Luz to the school dance, but Luz's crush on Amity is also pretty evident in the way she tries so hard to impress her and often steps in to help her out with grand gestures, which she never does to anywhere near the same extent with any of her other friends.

[animeyanderelover]

You said you're gonna open requests for a short time today, so are they opened now? Feel free to ignore this if they're not opened yet. Can I request prompt 109 with Kanato please?

You sent them in in the right timing, don’t worry.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy relationship, unhealthy mindset, possessiveness, obsessiveness, bipolar behavior, chocking, screaming, pushing, violence, vicious behavior

Prompt 109: “I know she’s cute. BUT SHE’S MINE! TOUCH HER AND I’LL KILL YOU!!”

The air had had turned all so sudden so incredibly suffocating, way more than you had ever expected it to be. And given the fact that you had experienced something like this already so often, way too often, it led your lips to wobble and your knees to nearly give in. All you really could do in that moment was staring with wide and teary eyes at the purple-haired boy who was just standing in the doorframe, a weirdly unreadable expression on his face. It made all the nerves in your body go crazy. This wasn't good. He was quiet! Way too quiet for his character. There was no rage, no anger nothing in his eyes. Why was he so emotionless? Shouldn't he be yelling, screaming, hurting someone right now?

Chances were that he would let his ire out on you, something you were terrified off. You hadn't forgotten the last time you had left him unsatisfied and jealous. Your body hadn't forgotten it either, the bruises still not fully healed. Backing away wasn't a good idea either or else you would bump into his brother Ayato. Both were currently doing some sort of glaring contest, Ayato having narrowed his eyes in an annoyed manner and Kanato still having this frightening hollow and penetrating look in them. And you poor victim found yourself stuck between those two, feeling like you were just dust right now since no one of them was currently even noticing your presence. But you didn't dare to move, if you were honest you couldn't even. Your body was neglecting you the ability to move, your instincts clearly stopping you from pulling the attention back on you.

The fact that no one had said anything for a while was even more nerve wrecking, it made it harder to judge what they would do next. All you could suspect was that they might just start attacking each other without you even having time to react. It was so unbelievably silent that you could hear everything right now, thw wind blowing outside the window, the slight breathing of Ayato and Kanato and most of all your own heartbeat which was drumming like crazy against your chest. Could they hear it as well? In your opinion it was painfully loud, but it seemed they were busy with other things.

"That's ridiculous! (y/n), come over here. Now!", you flinched when you heard Ayato speaking for what felt like the first time in ages up, shifting with a weak heart around to him. He didn't even bother to spare you a look, he just continued to glare at his brother, clearly bothered with what Kanato had just said to him. You knew that both of them weren't guys to share, no one from those six was. But if you had to share the ones who were the baddest to deal with, you would give the trophy without a doubt to the triplets, all of them were horrible beings. But for you Kanato had always been the worst. He was incredibly dangerous, more than Ayato, more than Laito.

You just couldn't judge him and that made you feel scared. You never knew how he would react to this or that, if his reaction would be a positive one, if you could call him being bratty and annoying positive, or a bad one, the kind of reaction where he started shouting at you, grabbed you by your throat and pushed you around like you were some ragdoll. He was unhinged, unstable and for that you had never been able to understand him and his way of thinking. He was unpredictable, a joker. With Ayato and Laito you had at least a bit of an easier time to forsee their actions.

But you were scared of them as well, making you hesitate when you heard his demanding tone. Your throat had gone dry, your palms having become disgustingly sweaty so that you started to wipe them on the fabric on your clothes. Should you go to him? But what would Kanato do if you would? On the other hand, what would Ayato do if you wouldn't? "(y/n)." When you heard Kanato's voice, you instantly turned around, an unpleasant feeling creeping up your spine when hearing his voice. It had been a lot less harsh and loud like Ayato's voice had sounded like, but it had this certain something in it that would have managed to give people far less cowardly than you the chills.

You were met with dull purple eyes, a hidden insanity hidden inside of them that made you unconsciously step back a bit, noticed instantly by Kanato judging from the way his eyes shifted to your legs. And he didn't seem to like it one bit, pressing Teddy slightly tighter against his chest. "Y-you aren't trying to leave me for him, do you?"His voice was wavering, you as well as Ayato slowly seeing his hollow facade crumbling. It was an alarming thing to see, making you almost instantly step closer to him, fear taking control over your body, not wanting to anger him.

But this small action led to an instant small enragement from the red-haired boy. "What do you think you're doing, small pancake? Get back here this instant! You belong to Yours Truly!" You froze, mind being torn apart between listening to him or Kanato. "(y/n)." Kanato had stretched his hand out a bit, holding it in your direction. On the first glance it might have looked like a silent plead. But it wasn't the feeling you were getting from him. You could sense it in his eyes. It was a silent ordre, a clear warning to not even think about turning around, to not abandon him for his brother. Or else...

You heard Ayato tsk'ing, clearly getting majorly annoyed with you and the situation. "Stupid thing. Do you seriously think that he can keep you safe from me? Do you think I didn't notice how you keep lingering near him and start avoiding others? Don't tell me you're listening to him now because you're afraid of him." You tensed up when you heard him stepping closer to you, gaze being frozen on the ground. "You're scared, aren't you?" Another step closer, followed by another. How close was he by now?

You got your answer the moment you felt hair brushing against your cheeks, Ayato's face entering from the corner of your eyes your vision. "Do you expect me to care whether you're scared or not? The only reason you were brought here was to serve as a bloodbag, nothing more. You don't get to choose with whom you can stay or not. You don't have any power. I on the other hand have the right to decide over you. And if pain is really the way to make you submissive and obedient, I can give you that even better than he can. You're after all very cute when your face is scrunched up in pain. Should I show you?

You couldn't help tears falling down your face when you suddenly felt his hand wrapping around your throat, starting to squeeze it tightly and causing you to choke on the air. You felt nauseous the moment you saw the grin on his face obviously loving what he was seeing. "See? I can give you just what Kanato gives you all the time. You must like it if you stick close to him for that reason, right? I can make sure that you'll look even cuter when in pain. All for my eyes."

"I know she's cute." You turned your gaze through half-closed eyes to Kanato who was looking at you two with wide eyes, many emotions swimming in them. Ayato looked at him as well, clearly unimpressed by him. "So what?" He gave Kanato a slightly challenging look, pulling you with the hand wrapped around your throat closer to him, making you start seeing black spots.

"BUT SHE'S MINE!" The outburst was all so sudden that it catched you as well as Ayato by surprise, Kanato suddenly appearing right in front of you two, ripping Ayato's hand in a way away that made you fear he might twist your neck in the process and shoved you harshly aside. Your ass was met with the hard ground, making you twist your face a bit when you landed wrongly and started coughing, air suddenly filling your lungs again. "TOUCH HER AND I'LL KILL YOU!!"

You weren't surprised that Kanato hadn't been concerned the least bit about whether he would hurt you or not, having gripped Ayato's clothes and shaking him violently to which Ayato on the other hand tried to free himself, his hands pulling on Kanato's arms in an attempt to make him let go. You slowly crawled away from them, not wanting to risk getting caught in the fight. You better stayed away, especially from Kanato, he looked like he was seriously about to kill Ayato. His one hand had by now been placed right above the boy's throat, threatening to crush his neck at any moment. And Ayato seemed to sense the same thing, looking all of a sudden a bit stressed out.

"Fine then! Giving it a second thought, she's more boring anyways! You can keep that pathetic girl for yourself! She isn't worth all the troubles!" He jerked backwards, making Kanato lose hold on him, stumbling a bit clumsily back before straightening himself up. He turned around, shooting you a sharp glare before leaving that clearly told you that this had been your fault. Ayato hated losing to others. You had this nagging fear that he might try something later on. But you also knew that this was currently the smaller of the two problems.

"You ungrateful bitch! Why would you let him touch you?!" The second Ayato had completely left the room, you were already yanked upwards by Kanato, who looked wrathfully at you, making you burst out in tears once more. "You would have left me for him, wouldn't you?! Admit it!" You quickly shook your head, fearing that he might break your hands if he would add a bit more pressure. "I-I would never. I promise. I don't-don't plan on ever leaving you."

He stared intensely at you, obviously trying to judge whether you were telling the truth or not. The look in his eyes was fearsome, he had unleashed all his unstableness he had kept hidden before. "...I don't believe you."

A huge smile made it's way on his face, one that wasn't comforting at all. It was too big, looking like his mouth was hurting. Next to that it didn't reach his eyes and looked terribly fake to the extent that you felt bill raising up your throat.

"You're a liar. I don't like when people lie to me. And if someone lies, they have to be punished. That's what my mother always used to do to us when we were little." The next thing you knew was a mindbreaking pain filling all your senses.

[bunchofstraydogs]

Dazai Osamu character breakdown as I understand him

Meaning that this might be inaccurate and your opinion and visage of him might differ from mine, which is just fine. We perceive the world and the people around us through our experiences and expectations. I'm curious to know how you guys see a complex character like Dazai, just please respect everyone's opinions.

Warning: Manga plot mentions, s2 spoilers, BEAST light novel spoilers, Dazai Osamu

Dazai Osamu was introduced into the scene of Bungou Stray Dogs at 14 when Mori found him.

Even at that young age, Dazai had suicidal tendencies and had been wrapped in bandages similarly as he is in the present. Already dealing with too much trauma for a child his age, the fire is fuelled as he was forced to bear witness to the death of the Port Mafia boss at the hands of Mori, the person that took him under his wing. To use him; which was becoming very apparent to Osamu if he hadn't been aware since the start. Now, I'm not saying that death of the previous boss left a particular scar on Samu, he even agrees with it and is something he himself would have done. But that that is the scene that bore fruit of the following quotes:

"Or could it be that you're afraid, Mori-san? That one day i will slit your throat and take over as the boss?"

followed by

"Everyone seems suspicious to those who have an axe to grind."

This tells us right away that he can tell what type of person you are just from the way you perceive your surroundings, which is logical, but not something many think too deep into.

Even less who have their evaluations of others on point like he does. And he has to, since Dazai's plan is always to understand his allies, his enemies, possible allies and possible enemies. He also takes into account important neutral parties that can still, in one way or another, affect the outcome of his plans or decide to align with one side out of common interest. After comes realising the main goals, along with side achievements (just in case some of those maim his allies or ruin the future plans he made) of every party. Taking in their morals and motivation, and being familiar with the ground the confrontation will happen on, he now has the view of the whole chess board and it's pieces in his head. He moves his allies in the right places, knowing how they'll react in the situation to come, and awaits the enemies with open fire arms. He was tought to think like that. At all times. Mori made sure of it. You know how specialists never really stop thinking in their areas of expertise, like doctors, for example, will naturally notice people's posture and look for scoliosis or whatever? How your foot hits the floor, if you're walking straight, your knees and shoulders, etc. Same for Dazai. His brain maps out person's expressions, reactions, choices, personality, etc. in great detail. I'm pretty sure he has eidetic memory, if his conversations in manga with Fyodor are anything to go by.

Another thing his brain does is think of worst possible outcomes.

Not in a fear of what if things go wrong, but as a possible route. He uses it to determine how big of a threat the opposing force is and what steps they'll have to take to achieve that. Knowing that, he'll know how to intercept them. Also, like everything else, it's not something he can control since we're talking about thought process here and that's just how his brain works. Can't magically turn that off. It's especially annoying to him when he's genuinely enjoying himself with, let's say, ADA members and then his brain goes brrr.

•"A lot happened recently and we're a torn in many people's eyes." *Tanizaki and Atsushi drinking punch* "There's a possibility, while a small one, about 8% at this very moment, but as time goes on will increase, that an organisation outside of Yokohama decided we're an unavoidable threat and poisoned the drinks. Don't drink that. Nothing will happen, they'll wake up tomorrow in pristine condition don't drink th-"

Yeah, i feel bad for him too.

He has PTSD and insomnia, besides the hectic brain,

so he's not getting proper amount of rest. Actually, he drinks almost every night by himself at home. Pretty sure it's canon as well, because if you search for a picture of him in his room, you'll see him surrounded by multiple bottles. Two of the PTSD symptoms are hallucinations and night terrors (no, that is not the same as a nightmare). What people usually do is use opium to cause hallucinations in a safe environment so that there's little chance of them happening uncontrolled. He's probably using alcohol to numb himself while he's reminiscing, since if he does still have hallucinations after years having passed by (which isn't impossible), they're probably few and far between. Not saying there's no chance he isn't using opium. He would know where to get what he needs, after all.

Osamu's haunted by his own actions as well, not just by trauma caused to him.

At an uncountable amount of occasions, he found himself looking into a mirror and not really comprehending his image. It was like dissociation. Looking through a fog at what's supposed to be your carbon copy, but not knowing all of your features perfectly, so whatever you're seeing could only be an impostor, yet you're not sure because that would take comprehending physical proof of your life to the fullest and how it works and he just... can't. He can but he doesn't want to. He already knows he's despicable and broken, doesn't really feel the need to see just how much. He can't, for all his perfect memory, remember the faces of the people he has killed. He hadn't even seen all of them, but he was responsible for their demise. Causing havoc and misfortune in general through other crimes besides murder as well. We've seen his expression when he listened in on Atsushi talking to Kyouka over the earpiece how the 35 deaths don't matter anymore. He knows they do and he knows that the change of heart won't justify what he's they've done. Ango thought him to value each life. But he also knows that even murderers can change and become good. Oda did that. It's also what's keeping him in the agency.

When Oda died, his last words mentioned that Dazai doesn't care about good or bad and that was correct for Dazai Osamu back then. I genuinely think that his present self does mind the difference.

He believes in necessary evil and will do dark shit to get the good outcome he's envisioned.

He doesn't separate outlaws and lawful people, however.

He knows that generally speaking, the line is thin and easy to cross and that many were born or forced into the situations they are. Those that fight the life thrown at them are an exception, not a rule. That's also why he likes Atsushi, probably the main reason. The boy has every right to hate the world and yet. Dazai is envious, he doesn't really have the same capacity.

I want now to talk about why does Dazai Osamu do what Dazai Osamu does.

The reason he attempts suicide, joined the mafia, made friends at all, is because for all his intelligence and observations, ability to understand others, he doesn't really understand himself.

He doesn't understand his worth. He doesn't understand his purpose. In all of that confusion, he finds no reason to live. He laughs but can't get the high, he bruises but can't fully heal. In all of the things people find happiness in he can't feel joy from. He is emotionally stunted. He thinks too logically. He doesn't understand actions out of emotions because to him, it doesn't make sense. Emotions cloud your mind and when you're not thinking straight, you make mistakes. Plain and simple. He just accepts it, that most people simply cannot control themselves and prefer lashing out instead of methodical approach. All the better for him, he has leverage. Even when he does act on impulse, which is incredibly rare and not as explosive and dramatic, his brain rationalises it as to why his actions were a good way to go. And if his reaction was one that bore fruit, than it was a tactical one.

"If you place yourself somewhere close to raw emotions, where you're exposed to raw violence and death, instinct and desire, you can brush against man's true nature. I though that way i could find a reason to live somehow."

From this, i can tell that he was hoping that, in a situation where he's pushed far enough, he'd realise what's important to him, what he wants to protect or destroy, what's one thing he wouldn't want to leave unsettled before dying. What is that one thing he'd regret dying before achieving? What should he fight death for. What is worth living on for? To him, it doesn't matter if that something is good or evil as long as he gets to keep it in his life.

It seems he hadn't found it exactly, but is satisfied with what he has for now, in the agency, to just keep going. But he still tries to commit suicide, hoping that one day, when the clear picture of the world around him is fading away, when he's becoming light headed from the lack of oxygen, when he's loosing control over his body and thoughts don't seem to flow well, there will be one thing, anyone, screaming at him to fight it. New day new chances. It didn't happen today, better luck tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomo-.

Now, like Mori, Dazai feels the need to, at all times, be in control of the situation. Including people.

That means no one, but perhaps Ranpo due to his own abnormal intellect, is aware of their own role. They know their mission, but they're not expecting to be given that particular one because they'll come across an obstacle they would react to in a way that would satisfy Osamu's plans.

Dazai Osamu is more of a chemist, than a chess player, if you ask me.

Throwing different people into the mix, under different conditions at different times and is noting down their reactions in safe surrounding if possible, so that when the time calls for it, he'll be able to make a perfect concoction for the predicament. A chemist and his substances; A chess player and his pawns; A puppeteer and his puppets. Now, Dazai is meticulous and never rash, but like everyone else (except effin Lovecraft what is he even) he's only human and he bleeds when he falls down and humans aren't perfect. He isn't always right. That means he makes mistakes. The issue with big shot players that control the board is that, when they fall down, everyone on their side crashes and burns as well. So the day Dazai fucks up everyone else will follow because of lack of insight on their part that's completely out of their control. All it takes is for him to underestimate or overestimate one person and chaos ensues. There is no such thing as happy little accidents small mistakes for someone like him. I have crippling anxiety and a sole thought that one hiccup could blow up in everyone's face... damn. I would try committing suicide myself. But it's his fault, he brought upon himself an obligation and pressure like that. To be fair, it was Mori that drilled that type of thinking where no one should know what you plan because they can't ruin what they don't know If they turn against you, they can't stop you.

For his own sake, and everyone else's, Dazai needs to learn how to show his cards and share the burden.

Again, going back to the emotionally stunted guy that has commitment issues (where he either can't commit or can't let go) trope.

He never outright does something good for someone where people would acknowledge it, he uses his underhanded tactics here as well.

He casually makes himself look like a bad guy, an asshole, to conveniently move attention from the inner turmoil a person is struggling with to a present problem at hand that they can fix and let their frustrations out on. But he hopes that, one day, someone just might notice his intentions for what they are and do the unspeakable- see through him.

"I'm a very private person. You don't ask, i don't tell."

Yes, and your whole existence is just a huge cry for help. He wants to be asked. He's begging for attention. A specific type of attention. One that will see him without making him feel imposed on. One that will understand his sins without making a big deal out of it. Accept him as a person he is, makes him feel like one as well. Makes him feel alive. Makes him feel... period.

The day he finds that thing is the day he completely turns his life around and fully dedicates to it. It's where the part of not being able to let go commitment issue ensues.

Since Oda's death he's been secretly keeping an eye out on possible ways to bring him back. If you've read Beast AU you know that when Dazai gets his hands on the book, he'll create a universe where Oda doesn't die. Should he find an ability user that can bring back the dead, just tell him what it will take, he's ready to destroy his own soul for it and if that isn't enough, well, he'll have no hesitation ruining theirs. After all, BEAST!Dazai Osamu never actually met Odasaku, he just had the memories he'd gotten from his canon self and that was enough for him to do everything he did.

He's incredibly selfish and has a weird come in but the door is a wall dynamic he rolls with in his self imposed solitude.

It's like the walls of the space in my brain are ugly and terrifying, so i closed off the entrance to keep myself in. I'm doing you a favour but please break the wall down and tell me it's okay to come out i don't want to be here-

Happy little thoughts woah woah yeah~

That's what i got from what I've seen of him. I may have missed some things, some things might prove to be wrong as the series progress further, but yeah.

There is, however, one more thing i want to put out here. Since Dazai was already like this before Mori found him, that begs to question as to why? What happened to him?

Now, since the characters are based on real people, is it crazy to say that Dazai Osamu has had a horrible childhood because of his father? Real life Dazai was terrified of his dad and was very intimidated by him. He always tried to stay in his good graces out of fear of punishment. Neither of his parents felt like a parent to him, actually. His father didn't care and his mother was often ill, but did care for him when she could. Both of them died eventually.

This could be the plot Kafka based Dazai's background on, but we'll have to wait and see.

[thelordofgifs]

Fewer than two days left in this! Now that a good number of votes have been made, I thought I’d attempt to defend each of these stupid decisions a little.

Fëanor swearing the Oath: was pretty stupid, but not entirely so! I think the Oath started out as a rhetorical device, a way of rallying the Noldor to Fëanor’s cause, of saying, look we are SO serious about this. Vowing to kill anyone who held a Silmaril was indefensible, but the basic idea of swearing an Oath to fight Morgoth was imo less so. Still pretty bad, though. Not judging anyone who votes for this one.

The Valar unchaining Morgoth: The good Professor put this one far better than I can.

Who among the Eldar hold that the captivity of Melkor in Mandos (which was achieved by force) was either unwise or unlawful? Yet the resolve to assault Melkor, not merely to withstand him, to meet violence with wrath to the peril of Arda, was taken by Manwë only with reluctance. And consider: what good in this case did even the lawful use of force accomplish? It removed him for a while and relieved Middle-earth from the pressure of his malice, but it did not uproot his evil, for it could not do so. Unless, maybe, Melkor had indeed repented. But he did not repent, and in humiliation he became more obdurate: more subtle in his deceits, more cunning in his lies, crueller and more dastardly in his revenge. The weakest and most imprudent of all the actions of Manwë, as it seems to many, was the release of Melkor from captivity. From this came the greatest loss and harm: the death of the Trees, and the exile and the anguish of the Noldor. Yet through this suffering there came also, as maybe in no other way could it have come, the victory of the Elder Days: the downfall of Angband and the last overthrow of Melkor.

Who then can say with assurance that if Melkor had been held in bond less evil would have followed? Even in his diminishment the power of Melkor is beyond our calculation. Yet some ruinous outburst of his despair is not the worst that might have befallen. The release was according to the promise of Manwë. If Manwë had broken this promise for his own purposes, even though still intending "good", he would have taken a step upon the paths of Melkor. That is a perilous step. In that hour and act he would have ceased to be the vice-gerent of the One, becoming but a king who takes advantage over a rival whom he has conquered by force. Would we then have the sorrows that indeed befell; or would we have the Elder King lose his honour, and so pass, maybe, to a world rent between two proud lords striving for the throne? Of this we may be sure, we children of small strength: any one of the Valar might have taken the paths of Melkor and become like him: one was enough. – Osanwë-kenta

Finwë favouring Fëanor over his other children: yeah not great but he's doing his best in a very tough situation. Flawed, definitely. But I'm not sure emotional reactions can be called stupid.

Fingolfin challenging Morgoth to single combat: this was just cool. Also hard to actually call someone stupid when they're fairly obviously in suicidal despair. By one metric, Fingolfin achieved his objectives quite handily here.

Thingol insulting the Dwarves he'd hired with racial slurs: this one is really hard to defend. The best I can summon up is "he'd been racist to tons of people before! He wasn't to know these ones would kill him for it!" which... isn't anything. I voted for this one.

Maedhros going to the parley with Morgoth: I wrote a whole post on this one! Still pretty stupid, but potentially understandable.

Finrod accepting C&C into Nargothrond: actually really side-eying the people who voted for this one. He wasn't to know they'd betray him! Turning them away would have been both the actual stupid decision (he needed their military strength post-Bragollach) and fairly immoral.

Túrin advising Orodreth to build a bridge: not smart, but to be fair there was an evil curse involved. The principle ("don't be cowards and go to battle") was sound.

C&C attempting to kidnap Lúthien/kill both Beren and Lúthien: also pretty indefensible. The best argument I've seen from people in the notes is that if your objective is to kill Beren and Lúthien, attempting to kill Beren and Lúthien is a solid way of going about that. The problem is that that's a really stupid objective and completely inconducive to your bigger goals (which, one assumes, were "defeat Morgoth and get the Silmarils back"). What a pair of idiots.

Glorfindel not tying his hair up: this was a JOKE ok I don't know why people voted for it in the last poll! He was fleeing a burning city! Maybe he didn't have time to tie his hair up before the attack started! Maybe it was tied up and then came undone at some point during the aforementioned fleeing! Leave Glorfindel alone!

Stupid decisions in the Silmarillion - the finals!! I'll leave this one open for a full week.

Remember, we're thinking of the stupidest decision based on information the decision-maker had at the time, not what necessarily ended up having the worst consequences. Some of these were unfortunate more than stupid - think carefully!

Because of the way I set this series up, there are, of course, a lot of stupid decisions missing from this final poll! I personally thought Thingol asking Beren for a Silmaril was the single stupidest thing anyone had ever done, but "insulting Dwarves" won out on his poll (which... fair enough really). Yesterday, in a grave error of judgement, I included Glorfindel's hairstyling choices on the "miscellaneous stupid decisions" poll and inadvertently created the equivalent of a vanilla extract option. Oops. Thankfully, most of these do have a solid claim to being really stupid decisions (with the sole exception of Finrod imo).

Do reblog for a larger sample size, and share your reasoning in the tags! There are a lot of good options here. I'm not fully decided on what to vote for myself.

[arcadia-city-stories-if]

So a little while back, I got hit by a car while walking. Tonight, at work, I was getting my stuff and as I headed to it got run into by a coworker. Wasn't even someone in a car, just another person walking. It freaked me out bad enough I literally was crying the entire ride home and then I realized I'd left my jacket at work as a result. Luckily I can get my jacket tomorrow when I go in but the whole thing is just frustrating to me because on the one hand I know nothing really happened then but on the other hand I got hit by a freaking car so maybe it is logical I'd be freaked out getting run into on foot too and I just cyidjtzjfsjtzu.

Sorry, to the ask part of this. How would ROs react to MC in a similar situation? Where they're freaked but being freaked has them frustrated with themselves?

You know, I've been thinking a lot about this since you sent it because I can really relate to this one lol. I got hit by a car when I was a kid, spent a month in hospital, dealt with it all without any real emotional trauma, then when I was 17 I had headphones in when I was getting off the bus and stepped out behind it only to have a car have to anchor on the brakes and stop like a metre away from hitting me lol. At the time I had like a weird relieved laugh but the second I got home I BURST into tears and had my very first panic attack lol.

So I totally get where your head was at in this one and for some reason it made this kinda tricky to answer??

But, anyway, here's my best shot lol

Murphy -

Ignores whatever else is going on as he puts a hand on your shoulder, drawing your attention to him as he takes very slow purposeful breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth, encourages you to follow his lead until you've calmed down enough that it's not overwhelming. Would suggest going for a drive to clear your head afterwards.

Shae -

Sits you down somewhere private, makes you a soothing drink, and waits with you while the worst of it passes, would hold your hand if you'd let them. Waits for you to get past the emotional peak of your stress, then would encourage you to talk about it, what it felt like, why you think it felt that way, what you were afraid of. Encourages you to get it all off your chest while it's fresh, instead of suppressing it and internalising any negative coping habits.

Callie -

Just wants to hug you and tell you it's ok. Is at a loss beyond that because she deals with her emotions in a very external and instinctive way, so your reaction makes sense to her because if that's how you feel then of course that's how you'd act. Not the best at helping you feel better but is incredibly understanding of your frustrations.

Toni -

Honestly? Would react almost exactly the way they did in this prompt unless you didn't want physical comfort, then they'd just sit with you quietly, wait for you to work through it how you need to, let you know you're not alone in this, that they're here.

Claude/Claudia -

Would ask you what you need from them and would do whatever they could to give you it. Vampires don't have a tendency for intense emotional outbursts, immortality kind of puts everything onto the slow burn setting, including emotions. So, while they're not an expert in these situations, they know they have resources and the ability to provide you with whatever you need. You only need to ask for it.

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[impossiblepluto]

@appalachianapologies you have got, genuinely, the best professors ever. Every story is delightful and memorable and now I'm twisting this around in my brain wondering if there is some sort of way to make it fit in the fic. Probably not but I will be thinking about this the whole time I'm writing. (Also, I have a little private headcanon that Jack hates snakes. Something something if Harrison Ford/Indy(Indiana Jones) thinks they're bad news that's good enough for me.)

I'm not completely sure at what point she realized bad things were happening in the back, but traffic was heavy enough that she didnt' have much choice but to keep driving and trust that Ed and Jack could handle it.

bestie, no one is ready for how bad a time they're all about to have (least of all me!) Everyone is like "clearly this is not a good situation and Mac is going through it and hates being in Medical in any circumstances but we know Mac and are prepared" and they are not.

He's having an anaphylactic reaction, and he's bleeding, and was kidnapped by Murdoc but what they know is all very broad strokes and what they can piece together. Mac isn't in a place to explain what happened, and even if he was, he'd be reluctant to talk about it.

So, right now it's A-B-Cs. They don't call it anaphylactic shock for nothing. Low BP, increased heart rate, rapid breathing through rasping airways. If he's quiet is it because he doesn't have the strength to speak up or because he's trying not to get drugged again.

And we haven't talked about treating the bleeding wounds on his back yet. Getting at those is going to be a battle. Normally, they could count on Jack. They'd have Mac sitting up, resting against Jack, but Jack's not sure if he can hold Mac if he started to struggle.

I love fear manifesting as anger. Misplaced anger. Emotional responses that are outside the norm, but whooooo it's hard to get those beats right. I am probably going to have to bug you as I work through it. Because I've gotten them basically to Phoenix and then stalled out. (I've got some stuff written after the initial triage, emergency situation but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself since I'm not sure where the emotions are going to land yet)

I am also so- SO- proud of Mac for the way he fought back against Murdoc. Murdoc feels untouchable most of the time. They're always working to placate him so he doesn't do something deranged and allowing Mac to draw blood felt amazing.

But! Mac fought back against Murdoc and was punished for it. He struggled and begged in the back of the ambulance and they drugged him. Even if he doesn't recognize that in so many words, it's going to be messing with his head for a while.

Ed. Eddie, my boy, I am so sorry. I had the worst time writing the ambulance scene because Ed is going to be reliving that whole call (would it still be referred to as a "call"?) for weeks. He's going to replay every single moment, every single decision. What did he miss? Should he have recognized something sooner? Could he have deescalated the situation? Did he make the right call?

He's been so proud of his EMS skills and his working relationship with all the agents but especially Mac and Jack who are notoriously not easy patients and felt like he and Yas have a good partnership with them and now this. Will Mac trust him again? Will Jack? What about the other agents after they hear through the grapevine about what happened? Ugh, Ed, buddy, I'm so sorry.

I am making all the notes, friend! You've got fabulous thoughts to munch on

Hello bonjour I reread Adversary + Antigen and ignoring the fact that I am now screaming in every possible way except physical (and, even though I knew what was coming this time, I still had a physiological stress response to your words (<- big big compliment)), I am also gnawing on my laptop thinking about McClain and Reese's reaction and response to seeing Mac.

I am just. I am thinking about how much do they know??? Has Yasmin radioed over and given them the scoop?? Does Yasmin even know what went on in the back there (😱)?????? Like despite (or maybe inspite of) the fact that Mac's got about a thousand different reactive molecules moving through his blood stream right now, he's still somewhat combative I imagine. Or at the very least, I'm sure there's a good chance that some of those drugs are going to wear off before everything is sorted out 😬

Anyway whilst thinking about this I inadvertently made a chart in my head and thought it would be funny to share with you:

pros of epi wearing off: less wired mac who can breath without his entire body vibrating and causing panic on top of panic

cons of epi wearing off: anaphylaxis comes back and says hi!!!! because it is annoyed it got pushed off of metaphorical center stage

pros of sedative wearing off: mac feels less betrayed, more in charge of his body with more autonomy

cons of sedative wearing off: PANIK

...I'm not sure what this ask is anymore at this point. I just need you to know that my brain is entirely occupied thinking about what the future has in store for Mac and I am wondering if there is any hints or thoughts that I can have to munch on in my brain <3

Bonjour friend (I cannot read that word without seeing the polar bears peeking their heads out of dens or into portholes memes, and I am delighted to realize that)

I am also delighted to hear that you reread Adversary + Antigen. I was completely spoiled by the comment you left on that fic and now I get another one + more Vi thoughts. Ah! Amazing. An embarrassment of riches.

Not sure if it's the worst thing I've done to Mac but it's the most in depth I've gone. I got a little tightness in my chest and throat while writing it.

Reese and McClain hearing about what happened to Mac, the panic attack, and getting to witness one of their own is a moment that I am anxiously awaiting to share (and finish writing) Originally, Mac was going to make it all the way to Phoenix Med, where he would again stubbornly insist that he was not laying down, not riding into the building on a gurney, and mostly unsuccessfully struggling through the halls with his entourage, before his facade completely broke. I was as shocked as Jack and Ed when Mac began fighting for his life in the back of the ambulance.

I think I might have to do Mac's attempted escape from someone else's POV. Yasmin does know some of what happened and has radioed ahead so McClain and Reese have an idea of what's coming through the doors. Also, everyone is putting the puzzle pieces together a little quicker and confirming what they suspected. And Jack is struggling for many reasons.

One of the things that has me stalled is getting Mac's headspace right- and portraying so it feels genuine. The epi, adrenaline, and emotions are still thrumming under his skin, but the sedative is making it feel strangely distant even though it's right there. The loss of safety, security, autonomy, he expects that from Murdoc but from his friends and the people he trusts, that betrayal feels like a sinking pit. If he expresses his needs who would listen? Even his anger feels muted, but will be making an appearance that I'm very excited about. Regulating his emotions and his responses are beyond his ability so he's oscillating between this betrayed, submissive compliance, seething anger, embarrassment about his outburst and shame that he allowed Murdoc to do this to him. Everything that anyone says or does feels so patronizing. There's a detached clinical part of him too, and while he wants to lean into that part, that's worse for everyone else watching.

I love your chart because it's all the same stuff going through my head. I'm trying to fit a little bit of everything in there. The half-life of epinephrine is very short (epi is just to stem the reaction and keep you alive long enough to get additional treatment) so he might start feeling the foreboding, prickly sensations growing again before this is over.

Thanks for the ask, friend! It has reawakened my excitement for this fic when I was starting to get too in my head about it! If there is something specific that you've been like "i hope she does This!" feel free to share because there are a lot of directions that I'm still trying to decide on