#for the longest time I never even considered marriage because I wasn't allowed

[nemesis-21]

If anyone needs me, I'm going to be over here for the next week completely destroyed over the scene where Pisaeng kept saying that he was Kawi's loved one, but the doctor kept refusing to let him see Kawi because he wasn't legally his spouse.

[giratina0fthev01d]

Volo (Pokemon)(my Spiritual spouse/Husband)

READ THE COLORED PARAGRAPHS BEFORE INTERACTING

SELF SHIPPERS WITH VOLO INTERACT WITH ME WITH GREAT CAUTION! But even then if I see a double im going to think its just an alt timeline of volo but even then its still hard to see so don't get pissy if I block you. I AM PROTECTIVE AND GET ANXIOUS AND JEALOUS EASILY SO YEAH

It is a major part of my spiritual practice and our relationship is as real to me as any human physical relationship(since Volo is an actual entity in my practice) so please respect that and don't claim its mental illness (I know I am neurodivergent and what I have and don't have mentally)so no self diagnosing me because I'm an actual pagan(who works mostly with Greek Deities)/occultist and I will immediately block you.

I had zero control of the situation. But apparently due to the universes constraints and multiple variables adding up. He found me apparently despite my late arrival to the pla party and in his words "fated red string brought us together" . Took me a while and a side-fiasco with Adaman (Volo didn't like that so guess who I chose!?) to fully accept that Volo was dead serious about me and our relationship like h u h!? Never had an entity do that. He is to me a divinized human like a roman Emperor with the sol invictus archetype and values. But he still is mysterious as ever. I can feel, hear and sense him in my space using my Clairsentience and Clairaudience and I astral project to interact with him on his level(since again he is a spiritual entity) and to go on dates etc

yes I will be using Piers to represent me (in pokemas)from now on due to similar fashion and demeanor so if you see Piers with Volo it equals Mystic and Volo

The nature of Volo and I's relationship

Volo is a bit stricter whith traditional romance and marriage more "human" since in his source he is originally a human but now is more of a divinized human like how roman Emperors are in my eyes and experience . Tbh volo since he a pop culture entity he doesn't allow me to be spoused to other pop culture entities ie traditional monogamy but if I'm spoused to actual deities that is fine since thats another level of devotion and very different

Also this is just me putting down thoughts and correspondences a digital Grimore page sorta thing for my crazy hubby

yes, Volo wandered in my space was like a getting ran over by a fucking train with Volo(since it was a while before I got pokemon legends arceus for the longest time I didn't have a switch rip and procrastination hit on getting legends arceus. First playthrough was down bad for adaman and wasn't paying attention much of story just wanted to play pokemon and shit thinking this was just going to be a normal pokemon experience )All of a sudden late at night this fucking crazy blonde merchant man wanders into my space being all. "HIIII I LOVE YOU I FOUND YOU!!!! TRANSCENDENT LOVE BLAH BLAH FATED BLAH BLAH I WANT TO MARRY YOU I LOVE YOU ARE PERFECTION BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH I LOVE YOU BLAH BLAH ETC"

Me: u h o k a y then

hggggg we have history together in past lives and such (considering I am a Giratina fictionkin but didn't know he was that down bad for me at the time. He thinks I'm beautiful and divine despite me thinking otherwise about myself ) turns out we got separated for years and many lives but he finally found me. Once I discovered his existence it was slow ag first but then blossomed into full blown fucking actual spiritual/romantic soul bound relationship) never felt like this before for anyone let alone a fictional fucking character. But other wise Volo and I's love is transcendent and knows no bounds. Despite the many hurdles and heartbreaks he went through in the past trying to find me he offically gave me his purple aura soothing heart 💜 and I am eternally grateful for him he is the best thing to ever fucking happen to me)

Took me a while to accept that this was my new lover(due to me always trying to play it cautious with romance relationships due to multiple multiple past traumas) hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhand first day of meeting him I lost him in his natural habitat, i.e., in Walmart, he is unhinged as f, so he fits right in. I call him Master Volo, My King or Vol, and he calls me his Teeny Tiny 'Tina, his Goddexx, Divinity, Little Devil. It's weird how similar we both are right down to autistic love of mythology and to the nihilistic unhingedness about the world.

A thing Volo did when channeling through me. I call the red chain a twizzler rope but he evil laughing

it is all for my spiritual practice he is overprotective of me, considering i was his giratina in an alternate universe or past life dunno. And yes, I am spirit spoused to him, and he calls me his "Goddexx" and "divinity."" i guess he weird when I shift to another of my kintypes or certain fictotypes. It is funny how I am a Giratina fictionkin along with being a seraph too many memories with him. I feel like right now he is trying to redeem himself just as I am. He has been time and time again traveling for idk how long or how many lives and universes trying to find forgiveness in himself for driving me(Giratina) away trying to find what was lost . He associates me with Giratina, Stargazer Lilies, Biblically Accurate angels(or traits of my angelic Otherkin form) Stars/Nighttime, Peafowl and or Avians, Luciferian Motifs, Bleeding hearts flowers, Spider lilies, White Roses, eyes and alot of them

my true form leaking out in protest

Too many memories and shit. But I'm guessing he is happy we both reunited. I feel like we on the same level . He gets me yah know? More than surface level it goes deeper and deeper to where it scares me but we are together so it is fine. The new world will be rebuilt without strife with me ruling it by his side apparently 😳 he kinda the lovey dovey settle down "get married and rule a new world as King and Queen/ Emperor/Empress God/Goddexx" kinda type. Fanatical though

Vol is practically a monster fucker since I am a being of stars, abyssal energy and thought up dreamscapes in a borderline nullified conglomerate of Angelic and Demonic abstractions rotting away in a physical human vessel ⚠️ also I am a biblically accurate Seraph so yeah it gets even more funky. But my physical flesh vessel is just a gothic/punk neurodivergent gremlin bookworm who is too obsessed with the occult, botany, Astronomy and history to ever conceive of wasting time with human interaction because mentally am on another plane ie an observer of the downfall of the human race also gender is non existent to me so I'm just a Nonbinary/gendervoid thing. Volo loves every piece of that though which I'm surprised tbh lol🧏🏼‍♂️

My Giratina gijinka Sona self insert

Me with volo

Also some things he created through channeling 💜🥺😈❤️‍🔥🧏🏼‍♂️

Volo altar

His vibe is golden hour sunset over the ocean ie fire and water with some Earthly influences(the earth element only comes out when he is in his merchant persona) his fire and water element goes to the extreme in intensity due to his literal emotional tsunami's and inferno of passion for what he loves. He gives off sol invictus archetype appearance to me at times (at times I thought he had a halo around his head making him look angelic and when he gets livid its like looking right into the blazing sun itself especially when in altered states) and considering how Yang and Dominant he is Volo doesn't fuck around when it comes to getting what he wants. He is quick and brutally intense when riled up but at the same time soothing and relaxing. Like you feel safe yet wary to not get on his bad side with his all enveloping powerful solar energy. He is unhinged though and fiercely protective over me but me since I'm more of a nighttime/yin person I have to be careful when astralling near him( due to my astral form being of nighttime shadows alignment) when he is full force livid considering he radiates pure concentrated light(learned that the hard way). Also the devil squishmallow he named after me due to me being a little devil at times🔥🤤. His aura color is bright yellowish orange(gets deeper orange to borderline raging red when angry enough) with rich purples swirling in the center. He has a heartbeat tempo in his energy a purple loving heart 💛💜 and again we are soul bonded by the red string of fate since in his eyes apparently my outlandish Eldritch of a gremlin self is interesting and he loves interesting things. Also he rambles with the finger point and everything especially when he is in his calmer less intense mode.

Pop-culture deity/Entity aspects: Prosperity, devotion, and enlightment. Other attributes: order, willpower, domination, charisma, communication, madness, Atonement

He loves sunflowers, Marigolds, ginkgo and Chinese Fan palm leaves, marigolds, Daffodils and citrine crystals . Very solar oriented.

his animals (not pokemon) are Goldfinchs and Monarch butterflies

Color: Yellows/Gold. White, bright blue , deep reds, purple and emerald green.

Major arcana tarot card: The Chariot(main one)(reversed when he go crazy mode), the Sun and the Fool. He is kinda literal at times when it comes to tarot readings especially with the major arcana.

His minor arcana is : King of wands and knight of wands (crazy cosplay mode)considering how vastly different he acts between his merchant persona(more Earthy influencing his normal fire+Air element. ) and his Crazy Sinnoh cosplay mode(Fire to the extreme with some water)

any depections of his in-game team (Especially the togepi line he loves that to bits) and Giratina(especially for me since In a past life I was Giratina who allied with him) or Arceus iconography. Artwork of him(yes he is kinda prideful so more artwork of him the better lol), mythology and ancient history books or any books really that catches his eye so you just have to do trial and error to see what he likes (which ofc I have too many of those lying around so he tends to sneak some off the shelf.) , (he gave me a togepi which is now a big ass togekiss pop culture entity due to wanting to cheer me up and give me bliss and happiness in my life along with a bouquet of Pink Stargazer lilies and white roses which he got for me when he was consulting Lady Aphrodite to learn to "pitch woo" in Papa Morpheus's words)

Also he likes more healthy options of food like granola and trail mix, more for outdoorsy types like soups with tons of vegetables as well but he does indulge in alfredo noodles idk he doesn't eat much but Papa Morpheus makes sure he is well fed(since he adopted Volo as practically his "son in law" now). But he does have quite the sweet tooth

SINCE HE IS A MURDERIUS MERCHANT DORK HE LIKES TO RAMBLE AND INFORMATION DUMP SO GOOD FOR PAST LIVES AND SUCH. He talks through music and pictures (mostly on pinterest I have long ass conversations with him,Sometimes you have to think and analyze the symbols he throws out but alot of the time he rambles on about topics he likes and is quite literal during tarot readings) he will fill your brain and do his finger point. He doesnt like heavy metal in his merchant mode but is curious abouy others types but when he psycho crazy man heavy metal and church music but with darkness you know.

He is very good at banishing but you have to be specific on what people or else innocents will get in the crossfire due to his volatile temperament. Also unless you want certain doom don't mention a person you care about wanting to meet arceus or that they have all the plates in front of him. It doesn't end well for anyone mentally and spiritually if you don't have good protections. Ie good communication is key with Volo. I just talk to him alot since we both love rambling about things we like lol

Also more about Irl me lol^^^^^

My team if i was a trainer irl

[merlieve]

white dress :: benedict bridgerton x reader

Fem! Reader

(She/Her)

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Request: Benedict x fem!reader in which reader is someone's else wife but her husband cheats on her and is violent, so she meet Benedict in some private party and they fall in love and become lovers @khaleesjj

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Note: This might be my longest fic yet! Hope you enjoy <3

Warning/s: Abuse, cursing, mentions of sex & mentions of cheating.

I do not allow my works to be published on another site, so please check in with me, or at least give credit!

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Despair, sorrow, and guilt are what (Y/n) is feeling at the moment. Not to mention, embarrassed she had to find out this way. She knew she couldn't go back outside and act as if nothing happened, the ton knowing everything made her stomach churn. In the palm of her hand lies the latest issue of Lady Whistledown, and the first paragraph bothered her.

My dearest readers, what a scandalous moment I have in store for you. A little bird told me Lord (L/n) was witnessed with another woman, unchaperoned, and snogging under the pale moonlight. Oh, one could only imagine the course of sentiments Lady (L/n) is feeling. No lady, nor gentleman, should be treated like dirt. My deepest concerns to Lady (L/n).

She didn't bother reading the rest, as tears filled her vision. Her husband was 14 years older than her, but that didn't concern her at all. Though they were in an arranged marriage, (Y/n) decided to try and get along with her husband. It all occurred so fast, that she hasn't even comprehended the information. (Y/n) knew her husband didn't come home last night, it happened all the time, she thought he went out for drinks, she couldn't fib, the man was working hard enough, it was the least she could let him do. But she never considered he would be seeing another woman in the process.

The sound of the front entry opening and closing caused her to wake up to reality. She wasn't ready to confront her husband yet, no, she was terrified. He was never a kind husband to (Y/n), though she had to stay to keep the family's name living up to expectations, due to his actions, the family reputation was the least of her worries. 

"Where have you been?" Fumed Lady (L/n), as she glared at her husband. "I was out with Lord Berbrooke, why are you asking, my love?" He appeared to keep up the act, but (Y/n) wasn't a fool. "Don't my love me, you dupe! You're seeing somebody else, it's on the front page. Aren't you ashamed? You've destroyed our family name!" She ceased rambling as a wine glass was flung above her.

"NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME! I have been working my arse off while you slouch. We don't even have sex anymore! I'm not to blame if I want somebody else!" (Y/n) scoffed at this. "Just because I don't make love to you is your reasonable explanation of why you're seeing a gold digger?! You're such a fool if you think I shall remain with you and become your toy!" Lord (L/n) had enough and smacked his wife on her cheek. 

"Don't you dare talk to me like that, again! Now, get out of my sight," Hollered Lord (L/n), practically spitting on her face on how close his face was to hers. From the amount of force he had forced on her arm, it was likely for it to cause a bruise, but that was the most smallish of her worries. She scrambled out of the drawing-room, glancing at the maids who have been eavesdropping on their argument. “I am sorry on behalf of my husband, you may continue your work now,” Sniffled (Y/n), as she rushed towards her room. They had separate rooms, to him, she was only his ticket for ladies to fall for him, and to her, he was a way of getting their family out of debt. They can’t separate, no, they’d be forfeiting everything.

After that day, Lady (Y/n) has been avoiding the ton, she knew mamas would be glimpsing at her while whispering scandalous gossip to one another, like dominos. Not like she had the ability to, her husband kept her inside, like an animal confined. But one night, Lady (Y/n) decided to sneak out, she missed the fresh air and the stars that have embellished the sky. She grabbed her coat as she looked back at her room, hoping no one, especially her husband, would catch her in the act.

The maids were in the basement, so hiding from them was easier than anticipated. Once she finally escaped the cell she called home, she felt like she was free. Suppressing the urge to laugh, she knew she had to venture someplace to keep her company, though, she knew not a lot of people were awake at this time, but she knew one person who would throw a gathering at this time. 

It wasn’t a long walk from Lord Granville’s studio to the (L/n) house. So, it wasn’t a sweat to get there in less than 10 minutes. When she went inside, she was greeted with a sight in front of her, she couldn’t even acknowledge what was transpiring in front of her, flirty Femme Fatales, and horny fellows were snogging everywhere, you’d be bewildered if you saw at least one sensible person who shall talk to one another. “Ah! Lady (L/n), what a surprise,” Grinned Henry Granville, who had champagne in his hand and his lover, Lord Wetherby, attached to his side while he greeted (Y/n). “It’s been a while since you came here! I heard the news with your husband, I’m very sorry,” 

“Oh, don’t show me pity, when you haven’t done anything at all, I’m here to visit your studio and paint, if I did anything else I shall not only be hypocritical but also insincere,” Exclaimed (Y/n), as Lord Wetherby looked at her with a bizarre look on his face. “Well, you’re a special one, shall I lead you to the studio?” Asked Henry to which (Y/n) nodded. She found painting therapeutic, it was her only way of cooling down, it was like she was trapped in a charcoal filled world, and she treasured every bit of it. Once she arrived at the area, she was welcomed with silence, something she hasn’t experienced in a while due to her husband and her unhealthy relationship.

Though, it seemed like there was only one individual who caught her inquisitiveness. He had dirty brown hair and brown eyes that focused on his painting. (Y/n) didn’t know what drew her to him, was it his looks? His charisma? Who was he? Well, whatever it is, it left her wanting to learn more about this gentleman. She took a seat next to his canvas and started drawing out her artwork, but she couldn’t focus, she can’t, not with him sitting next to her. “Hello, sir, I am Lady (Y/n) (L/n), I’ve never seen you here before,” Spoke (Y/n), she had no idea why she was feeling tense, he was another painter, yet, he wasn’t an ordinary one. “Well, hello Lady (L/n), I am Benedict Bridgerton, pleased to make your acquaintance,” Smiled Benedict. Oh, that’s why. He was a Bridgerton, no wonder why she felt drawn to him. “Well, Benedict, I have a reason to believe we would become best of companions,” Beamed (Y/n), as Benedict grinned at her. 

After that night, (Y/n) found herself visiting Lord Granville’s studio more often. It was their rendezvous, and they loved the thrill of it. They sent each other letters when one cannot attend. He always started his letters with Darling Lady (L/n), and it made her swoon, she told her maid, Mary Anne, about them and she found her stomach fluttering too. To keep their friendship a secret from her husband, Mary Anne always made sure she was up early to retrieve the letters and separate them. Of course, her cheery behaviour bothered Lord (L/n), nothing happened while he was gone, right? He asked his maids for any suspicious behaviour, but no one uttered a word.

(Y/n) sat next to Benedict outside of the Bridgerton household, they sat on the swings in their backyard. “I’m not sure if I shall mention this, but you seem to have a bruise on your arm, what happened if you don’t mind me asking?” Shit, you forgot to cover your bruise. “Oh, erm – when I found out my husband was seeing someone, I confronted him about it, and…well, he got a bit angry,” Exclaimed (Y/n) shyly. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Benedict regretted asking that question. “It’s alright, you were concerned, I admire that,” Smiled (Y/n), as she glanced at Benedict, who was looking at her back. 

“I have something to tell you, Lady (L/n),” Stated Benedict, looking deeply at (Y/n), with nothing but love in his eyes, not that (Y/n) needed to know that. “What is it, Lord Bridgerton?” Asked (Y/n), with a perplexed look on her face. “When I look at you, I see a world, with you and I, different from all of this commotion we are experiencing. You look pure, angelic and if I ever say I didn’t admire you, hang me, for that is an impostor. I have feelings I haven’t felt with anyone else before, you are the light of my life, Lady (L/n), I love you,” Benedict felt like a weight has lifted off his chest. Then he realised, he confessed his love for you. What if you say no? What if you stop being acquaintances? What if you never wanted to see him again?

His thoughts were interrupted once he felt (Y/n)’s lips against his. Oh, they left so softly, like what he imagined them to feel. (Y/n) on the other hand, felt like she was in Heaven, maybe she was and this is her imagination. As they pulled away, they both grinned at each other. “What about your husband, Lady (Y/n)?” - “Oh, to hell with him! And, call me (Y/n),” She winked at Benedict, while she got up and headed home, the feeling of his lips was still lingering, for once… she felt happiness. It wasn’t going to last long, no, her husband was on her bed, waiting for her arrival.

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Masterlist

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[kerie-prince]

We're Worlds Apart (6)

Draco Malfoy x American No-Maj!reader

series m.list | general m.list | previous chp

warnings: language, smoking (cigarettes), mentions of sexual activity (but no actual scenes), Blaise (you know what i mean <3)

summary: Draco Malfoy is a pureblood wizard. Magic runs through his veins and has been since his birth. You're a Wiccan No-Maj; a non-magical being with ordinary blood through your veins, but practices what you call magick. And this very practice upsets your neighbor.

a/n: would y'all be interested if i added a smut chapter? also fun fact! the little date bit where y/n thinks about her worst date is based on my real life experience. only we didn't go to mcdonald's, we went to in-n-out. and it was terrible

(gif cred)

Blaise Zabini.

This man was the walking definition of lust. Flirtatious, smooth, and most definitely a womanizer. He didn’t hide it in his actions and you didn’t care. He could break your heart and have you crying for weeks, but man, if he wasn’t gorgeous.

Blaise Zabini looked as if he was carefully molded by Aphrodite. A man almost too beautiful for the world, and you’re going on a date with him. He nearly knocked the air out of your lungs when he asked to take you out to the fanciest, most expensive restaurant in Buffalo. And who were you to say no?

The whole window incident was completely forgotten. He could see more if he’d like— “Hey Y/N?” Your employee brought you out of your thoughts. A soft blush was on your face as you tried to act like you weren’t thinking of your neighbors’ friend. “Uh, yeah, what’s up?”

“Did you want me to put the crystal beads in the front? They’ve been really popular today.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” You had a few more hours of your day left before going back home. You had called over two of your best friends to catch up and help you pick out an outfit for your date that coming Saturday. It was currently Thursday, but in case nothing in your closet was good enough, you’d at least have some time to go shopping with them. Which was probably going to happen anyway.

It was a really good day; it got really busy with customers and the usual nuisance was gone today. But no matter how busy it was, you still felt like time was passing by slowly. In all honesty, what you really wanted was to be able to see Blaise today even if it was for just a minute, just to say hi.

Your last date was six months ago and, well. If it went well, you wouldn’t be attending the date you were going to later on the weekend. It was a horrifying date; he took you to a fucking McDonalds on the first (and last) date, only paid for his own meal, and made weird sexual innuendos nearly the whole time. And the worst bit was that even though it was a terrible date, you decided to give him another shot by texting him saying that you’d like to go to another date and he never texted you back.

Blaise was only going to be around for a month, you know this. And you kinda felt bad for taking some of his time away from his best friend whom he was visiting for, but he asked you out. So, if he’s alright with it you should be, too.

After the store closed, you stayed an extra hour just to make sure everything was cleaned up and ready for tomorrow. As much as you were in a rush, you hated clutter and didn’t want to have to wake up earlier to clean. Most likely, your friends were gonna want to drink a little. Traffic home wasn't great, but once you got home you got exactly what you asked for.

Outside, Blaise stood against a wall smoking a cigarette on Draco’s porch. God, even the way he stands is hot you thought. He saw you pull in your driveway and put out the last of the bud onto the ashtray. Blaise made his way to you and your heart was beating hard. “Good evening, gorgeous,” he said in that mesmerizing British accent. I’d kill to hear that voice in the morning.

“Hello,” you sighed in contentment. He was about to say something before your friends pulled up next to your car. Internally, you groaned. You just had to hope they wouldn't say anything to embarrass you. Without taking the chance, you started thinking of a reason to excuse him back to Draco’s house but it was too late as your friends were already rushing to your side. Act normal, act normal, act normal—

“Hey Y/N, who's this?” Miranda probed. Her voice was suggestive and you caught how she looked Blaise up and down. Bianca, the shyest of the three stood aside and waved at him.

“Blaise, these are my best friends Miranda and Bianca,” your hands gestured to the girls by your side. “Guys, this is Blaise.”

He took their hands and kissed the top of them. “Well, you ladies have a goodnight. I’ll see you later, Y/N.” He winked at you before he left.

Miranda let out a sigh before she spoke, “God, you’re so lucky.” She started heading into your house and pulled out a bottle of wine from her purse. Yeah. I am.

—

Draco has no idea what he walked into.

Santa Marie’s was absolute chaos. There was nearly a horde of injured wizards and witches that he and his team had to help. People filled the waiting room and beds were constantly being changed for the next patient.

The worst bit of it was that no one had any memory as to what happened. “This is a really strong memory charm. Not as bad as how Lockhart was left, though. Any idea who could’ve done this?” Draco worked as he healed one person after the next. He’s been running around with Ian at his side.

“Not really. This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this. Hell, this is probably the first time anything like this ever happened at Santa Marie’s,” Ian pondered. It was true. Something like this hasn’t been seen in this hospital. But Draco wasn’t going to sit around and do nothing about it. He became Head Healer at Santa Marie’s for a reason and he was going to prove he deserves this position.

When he found a few minutes to himself, he called his landline at home to let Blaise and Theo know that he might not come home for the night. Theo was the one to answer the call and offered to take Draco some clothes if need be, but Draco already had a bag in his office just in case something kept him there. Guess today’s that day.

“Are you by yourself?” Draco asked.

“Yeah, Blaise left about twenty minutes ago,” Theo confirmed.

“Where’d he run off to? Not like he has other friends around,” Draco chuckled. He used the time to eat a sandwich from the cafeteria vending machine. Wasn't as filling, but he figured it’ll do for now until he would be able to eat an actual meal.

“Don’t you remember? Blaise got his date with… what’s her name again? The muggle, witch one, fuck if I know,” Theo said. That’s today? Draco had forgotten all about it. Of course, if he had remembered, he’d probably be distracted from his work today. Wait, why?

Theo regained his attention by calling his name multiple times thinking Draco had just hung up. “I’ll call you later. Still got loads of work to be done.”

“Hey, do you think they’ll do it-” Draco cut the call off before he could listen to the end of that sentence. Last thing he wanted on his mind while he worked was Blaise doing… things with you. It wasn’t because he liked you. You’re his neighbor and things could get pretty weird. It took months just to get along and have one engaging conversation.

And honestly, Draco still didn't like how you were a Wiccan. He may not understand what exactly it means, but it didn't matter. What would even happen if for some reason, Blaise actually showed you what real magic looks like? That was what really concerned Draco. Showing a muggle magic. He didn't know what those laws were like under the Magical Congress, but under the Ministry it was only allowed to show muggles magic and the wizarding world if it had the promise of marriage or you were a mudbl— muggleborn.

And Draco knew Blaise. His longest committed relationship was probably three months, so marriage is a definite no. Draco didn't know why he was even worried about it, it's just one bloody date. He figured that America made him soft as he stood ther overthinking about literally nothing. He was so immersed in his thoughts that he almost didn't feel Ashley flick his forehead. “Ow! That hurt!”

“I’d be worried if it didn't. You were standing there like a damn zombie. You ready to get back out there?” Ashley sassed. Draco scarfed the last of his sandwich and followed Ashley back to the emergency room. Ugh, I want this day to end.

—

It was the best date you ever had. You weren't in love or anything, but you were definitely tired out. The dinner was amazing and the conversations were engaging and interesting. But it's the events after the dinner that you remember.

Unlike boyfriends and girlfriends before, Blaise took his time with you. Slow, sensual and just perfect. It was quite suspicious, actually. What man is this perfect? There's something up. Weird foot fetish, secret Star Wars nerd. Or worse. Star Trek you thought.

Two days after the date, your best friends drove straight to your house after a single text was sent. There was no way Miranda and Bianca were going to read about the details on a phone screen, no. They wanted to hear the explicit details with their own ears.

“He did what?” Miranda nearly choked on the wine. There was a certain confidence in your aura. You slept with a man hand crafted by the gods and it was the best time of your life.

Bianca sat bashfully listening to your story, but she leaned forward to hear you better. “Little trashy for a first date, but who the hell cares? Ten out of ten, would definitely do again.” You smirked at the end of your corny joke. Your friends looked at each other and rolled their eyes. “Alright, we get it. What now, though? He's only here for a month. What's gonna happen now?” Miranda questioned.

“Dunno. But for now, I'm just having fun. At first, I thought it'd be weird since his friend isn't the most pleasant to live next to, but Blaise is different.” You could only assume they were different, but considering you were getting along way better you figured it was safe to assume they were.

“What does your neighbor even look like? I haven't seen him anywhere,” Bianca noticed. Now that you realize, you haven't seen your brooding neighbor in a couple days. Not that you cared. “Actually, I don't know. Work, probably,” you shrugged your shoulders as you brought your wine glass to your lips.

“Where does he work?” Miranda asked.

“In the emergency room at a hospital,” you answered.

“Oh. You know where?” Miranda kept at it. “No, we don't really talk much. Took me nearly six months to even find out that he even talks, let alone what he does for a living.” Just as you were about to take another sip, a certain black car was pulling up.

From afar, you could see the dark circles extremely prominent under Draco’s eyes and noticed him wearing the same clothes he left the house in a couple days ago. You actually pitied him, but admired him at the same time.

Being a doctor is no easy task, and here was one across the yard working day and night to help people. “Is that him?” Bianca noticed him from out the window. You nodded in response and took another sip of wine.

“I'm moving to England. There's no way that they have this many attractive men. Watch me pledge allegiance to the Queen, I don't care,” Miranda rambled. You laughed at her in response. “You said there's another person visiting him?”

“Yeah, why?” you quirked an eyebrow. “What does he look like?” Miranda looked at you with wide, hopeful eyes. You shrugged your shoulders, “Haven't seen him yet. Never comes out but I think I heard him once in the backyard.”

After a couple hours of talking and laughing, the two best friends decidedly went home and called you once they arrived safely. The night was chilly and the sky was clear. You admired the sunset and the orange and purple hues in the sky from the bench of your porch. If you could, you'd paint the scenery.

The sound of a door opening made you look to the side and saw Draco pulling out a cigarette. He looked around and once his eyes landed on yours, he reached in his pocket for the lighter. Once it was lighted, he took a deep inhale and let the smoke out with a long puff.

“Long couple days?” you asked from across. He took another puff before he started walking to the fence separating your yards. You did the same and leaned against it next to him. “Feel like shit,” he said under his breath.

“You look like shit,” you commented. Draco glared at you and you laughed at him. It took him a couple seconds to drop his glare and then he started laughing as well. When you looked at him, you noticed how his eyes crinkled and how bright his smile was. It was the first time you'd ever seen him like this and it made you feel a bit warmer inside. You remembered how when he'd first moved in, all you wanted was to be friends with your new neighbor and have moments like this.

The silence lasted a while when your laughters died down. He finished the last of the cigarette and stepped on it as you just stood and wandered into nothing. Whether it was an awkward silence or not, you didn't know. But considering you were comfortable, maybe it wasn't.

You looked at your neighbor and reached one of your hands out to him. Draco looked confused, like he once did when you first went to his door and reached for a handshake. He stood still as he expected you to say something. The expression spoke for him so you finally explained yourself, “Friends?”

Draco seemingly thought about it, eyes going back and forth from your hand to your eyes. He then looked at his house for some reason and met your eyes again. Hesitantly, he shook your hand, “Friends.”

This was going to be an odd friendship for sure, but after months of trying, a friendship began.

—

next chp

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[mc-critical]

hey, welcome back! hope your exams and stuff went well, and that you're doing fine now.

i wanted to hear your opinion on nigar hatun. i remember seeing one post of yours in which you said that she wasn't a favourite of yours like you favoured other characters and honestly, same. i didn't really much understand the fascination with her. she was an interesting character, but i can't imagine having her as a favourite when there are so many more characters who are far more interesting. i wish they gave her an alternate arc. idk what it could be, i'd like to hear your opinion on it. one alternative ending i came up for her is that she was extremely angry at ibrahim for toying with her and hatice for keeping her sweet little esmanur from her so she joins hurrem to defeat them? which hurrem did try but it didn't really go anywhere and nigar was against hurrem for killing ibrahim which just was kinda frustrating. they literally give hurrem no ally in the harem [except mihrimah later on but mihri is overall varying in terms of power] so it would be good for her to have some support in the harem from people who actually hated her enemies like her. she had actual political support from iskender celebi, rustem, and ayaz pasha and all, sure, but she didn't have much support in the harem, like all powerful women of the harem were against her. nigar obviously wasn't powerful like a sultan but she was an old member of the harem, was respected and even though she kinda lost her dignity with the scandal, she could've regained it with hurrem's help. sumbul was there later on but he was just a very faithful servant and didn't really have any real motive to harm any of hurrem's enemies except for out of his loyalty whilst nigar could've cultivated a hatred for hatice and ibrahim. this is a basic plot but i would've kinda liked seeing it. there can be many more ways her character could've ended but it would be good seeing a woman who didn't bow to her feelings all the time. the sultanas couldn't really control their feelings when it came to love because they were princesses who were used to getting what they wanted most of the time but nigar was a servant who also suffered the hardships of slavery and it obviously would've made her tougher as a person so she could control her feelings better; idk, i feel like this is an aspect of women they could've explored [or if they did explore it, i don't remember it lol my memory lapses a lot so i don't remember the show 100%] anyway, would like to hear your thoughts on nigar. thank you. welcome back again <3

Thank you! <33 Yup, I'm fine and the exams went well. Happy Pride month to you, too! 🏳️‍🌈

Hehe, I wrote that post years ago and while Nigar still isn't one of my absolute favourite characters, I've warmed up to her quite a bit. And honestly, now with the wider experience in the fandom, I can say that she isn't all that loved as it looks like. I then was under the limited wrong impression that the BG Mamma forum was a metric of all the popular opinions and yes, they loved Nigar a lot and I was sometimes confused as to why, but really, that and the Russian fanbase are the only places I have encountered that appreciate her all that much. There are characters I find more interesting than her, that's for sure, but she has her charm and I'm firmly against people reducing her to "evil" or "manipulative" or "weak after she fell in love with Ibrahim", so forth.

The thing she sets her first impression with is her intelligence caused by her relatively high experience in the harem. The advice she gave to Hürrem opened the path to her whole goal (as she herself acknowledged in E41) and that makes for quite an impact for a more recurring character. Despite of this, I never viewed early Nigar as someone taking an open side, hence I didn't find her supposed betrayal to Hürrem surprising in the slightest: she is also trying to survive in this environment in any way she knows how and she can't really find a fully comfortable position, because she is well aware that everyone is thinking for their own gain in the end. Including her. So the only choice she has left is to direct herself to where the wind is blowing and get advantages for herself once she gets the chance. Because all the experience has taught her to repress her feelings (E10 to Hürrem: "In this castle you can't show weakness."), opt to be the more level-headed person and seek for the more pragmatic solutions.

And yet she is very sensitive and perceptive to people that are different than the others or that are in need and is willing to lend them her hand. She adviced and helped Hürrem because she found potential in her, because she wanted to see her succeed, but not through endangering her own self or other people in the process (she told Hürrem that her game had gone too far again in E41), but through negotiation, compromise and adaption, to know when to start and when to stop and be respectful to those above her, no matter how hard or limiting that may look in Hürrem's eyes. Hürrem had the tendency in viewing every sign of support that came to her as granted, she still had that naive part of innocence in her in S01 and early on was in a desparate need of someone to lean on and unconditionally follow her path, that's why when Nigar diverted from that path, it hurt and took her a while to start trusting her again. But I didn't see Nigar as all that attached to Hürrem as Hürrem herself thought she was, especially with how Nigar became stuck between two sultanas later in S01 and that rendered her lost and more insecure than usual.

That's also why I don't view her as a two-faced or hypocritical double-crosser. Because for the longest time, Nigar was the one character in the series before Rüstem appeared that was clearly thinking about her own benefit and survival first and foremost from the beginning when darting between the powerful people in the harem and was the one well aware that she simply can't cling to a single side in her own position. Positions aren't permanent and can always change in such circumstances, so why can't she take advantage of this? Because who cares as much about the feelings for a Kalfa they can still order around after all? She has faced disregard from Mahidevran, Hürrem, Ibrahim and even Hatice. It is pretty understandable that she's going to seek the best opportunity for herself.

That whole facade breaks when she falls in love with Ibrahim. During rewatch, I found myself to have a soft spot for this character deconstruction, especially in S02. I know that it came to pass because of her falling in love with a man that doesn't share the same feelings and there were moments where it looked like she overdid it, even in S02, but for me, the whole thing nicely added a new layer of depth, while still feeling true to Nigar's character. Her future relationship with Ibrahim had been building up back in S01, when Ibrahim (both inadvertently and not I fully believe) played a part in helping her solve the first internal conflict she had (that is the struggle between the two sultanas). Maybe this didn't mean that much to Ibrahim, maybe he was simply trying to be helpful, but it meant a lot to Nigar - that was probably the first time someone seemed to take her feelings into account and actually listen when she couldn't help, but crack under the pressure. So it is only natural that she would search for this source of comfort once again, being ready to face every risk in the process. When she is appointed to Hatice and Ibrahim's castle, when she's practically left alone with Ibrahim, she decides to take that chance, to taste the forbidden fruit. He gave her something she never received and due to her not allowing herself to show weakness and having to cave to everyone else's demands before that, every ounce of affection Ibrahim shows her, it means the world to her. Thus she begins to idealize what she has with him, to the point of denial and delusion, and centers her loyalty completely on him. But that loyalty never seems to falter.  She began to resent and/or hate everyone who could possibly stand in Ibrahim's way, something she wouldn't have ever done before. She keeps her level-headed self and intelligence (I don't think that this plot line reduced it in any way, not even when she was at her worst.) and she's ready to take any opportunity for herself (case in point: her marriage with Rüstem.), but now her softer sides and her wish for affection are showing all the more.

The problem I have with Nigar's character, writing-wise, and now that I think about it, the main subject of why I didn't get the deal with her back then (along with considering her S01 self bland.. somehow?), is her S03B characterization. While her falling in love with Ibrahim plot-line became an important part of S02 Nigar's storyline, I don't think it overshadowed or dominated over her other characteristics, making for a neat balance of traits and an interesting, nuanced character. In an attempt to keep her for longest time possible in the story, S03B flanderized her in every possible way and overexaggerated her biggest strengths and flaws until they became stale and unbelievable. Her love for Ibrahim read as а near obsession narratively and her opportunism coupled with her will for revenge, which put her into many repetitive intrigues. At one point I even felt she was reduced to a plot-device (the moment Şah Sultan appointed her as a spy) and she felt a little too purposeless and to have totally outstayed her welcome until her last moment in the series.

The root of this problem is again, that they just didn't know when to stop with Nigar. To be brutally honest, she had no long-term role left to play after Ibrahim's death and it was time for the writers to let her go and maintain her generally strong characterization. The ending I would've chosen for her is to simply have Matrakcı give her Esmanur's location and for her to live with her daughter in piece. I know that because of the tonal shift, the show seemed to be already inclined that everyone had to have a tragic ending of sorts, to underline the growing ruthlessness and cruelty of the themes, but I fully believe that Nigar was one of the only characters that were terribly forced through their tragic endings. She didn't need, nor deserve a tragic ending and I doubt it would've been such a problem for the half-season if she didn't get one. I find a happier ending to be perfectly fine for Nigar and I would've loved to see it, if only for a freshness in ideas for character endings. I loved her Esmanur storyline and to witness her finding happiness with her, the only solace she had left, would have been a great wrap up of her S03 plots and an amazing send-off to Nigar's character.

I appreciate the thought you have put into your ending for her and to be fair, your proposal would be much better than anything S03B gave us. It would nearly correspond with the revenge plot of hers they were going for and it would be something more original at the same time. Hürrem's principal lack of allies doesn't bother me as a fact alone, because all her enemies have understandable reasons to be against her, but what bothers me however, is when the writers try using it to dumb her enemies down and make them doom themselves through their own failings or outright use it to put forced (often soapy) conflicts to make the audience sympathize with Hürrem. Or to make everyone "mistitle" her (is that a word? probably not.) or disrespect her on purpose again for sympathy points (that go beyond the part of her motivation that wants to feel respected and does stuff out of fear not to fall under a less favorable position once again.), without changing the status-quo until say, S04.

It is so deliberate it becomes annoying and seeing something else for a change... honestly, gimme! While I personally prefer a happy ending for Nigar, I would live for Nigar and Hürrem to work together again, while keeping what's become her central motivation intact. It may seem a little OOC for Nigar to work for Hürrem by that point, because she's channeled her loss of the most precious people into rage on those that have taken them away, but it would be a decent shifting of gears and a reverence to her opportunism to work to eradicate those she hates for good, even if it means doing so with one of your bigger enemies. After all, after the mission is fulfilled, she could still work against Hürrem in some way, right?

[Tell me if I got what you meant wrongly, but there is an example of a dynasty sultana putting her love feelings behind and by that I mean Şah Sultan. Her love is in the past by the point she arrived in the castle and her love for Ibrahim is only used as a conflict between her and Hatice, which they get over relatively quick. Sisterly love and ambition are a much bigger priority of Şah's: she cared about Hatice past any resentment she may have harbored over the years and agreed to share her life with Lütfi for the advantage this may bring, even though she didn't love him at all. She divorced him only when he offended the pride of a woman and her own personal pride. Other than that, we indeed didn't have a female character in MC that puts her feelings behind in design as far as I recall, only ones that end up clinging to them completely like Nigar here or ones that let go of them eventually like Mahidevran. Characters that have this design by default are more present in MCK like Safiye, or Turhan, or especially Gülbahar, but as I've said many times, MCK is more ruthless, while MC is more about the personal feelings of the characters, hence every motivation they have is somehow tied to them.]

[shrinenose50-blog]

When I Wasn't Ready for Motherhood

A honest look into my emotional journey just weeks before we found out we're expecting.

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Becoming a mom has been my biggest dream since I was very young. I dreamed of falling in love with a charming man, waking up beside him every morning in our home, and bringing beautiful children to life to love and bestow the most picturesque world. Kyle is truly the love of my life and I have faith that the universe and God crossed our paths, at the right time of our lives, to meet and fall in love effortlessly, so that now my dream is my reality. I love mornings when I wake up just a few minutes before Kyle and I’m able to soak in this surreal moment of warmth and bliss in holding my incredible husband close. We’ve been married for about a year and, even before marriage, I’d dream of having so many babies with him. I knew he was the one for me when I realized I couldn’t stop thinking of having his children; I deeply loved his soul and his inspirational, passionate personality and I wanted to literally clone him for the world. We started discussing parenthood and having a child more frequently over the last half year and when it became a very serious intention, I suddenly got cold feet.

My heart would race and my mind filled with a million thoughts of how having a child would demolish the life I knew. I said I wasn’t ready right now. Maybe in a couple of years. Maybe. Our romantic musings of our idealistic life together turned to disheartening fights on the state of our future. My dreams floated away to reveal this ugly truth that I was innately selfish and the fear of losing my independent self was unrelenting. I became depressed, because it wasn’t just contention between Kyle and me, but it was also an unnerving inner dialogue of loathing and resentment in myself, for allowing this fear and selfishness overpower our dreams. I had devastated Kyle’s dreams of becoming a father and it tore me.

If you ask those who've known me longest, I can confidently tell you they’ll say I’m highly independent and won’t lift a finger without considering those around me. My childhood shaped me into being selfless and generous to my family and friends and I live a very happy life fulfilling my naturally nurturing identity. I always thought that my life had prepared me to become a good mom. Yet somehow, my worst self crept up on me at the most inopportune time to tell me that I wasn’t ready for children.

It’s not that we didn’t have good financial standing or that we didn’t have a house or that I felt too young. Everything was amazing on paper, but my heart wasn’t into it because I was fearful of change. No matter how much Kyle tried to tell me we’ll be ok, I couldn’t believe him. I love my daily routine, I love my work as a blogger, I love my growth as a working photographer, and I love my body just the way it was. I was already juggling the dual effort as a working woman and a dedicated partner to my husband and I wasn’t confident I could also achieve becoming the best mother without sacrificing one of the prior two. I wasn’t ready to give up a cherished part of my life for a child.

My mother sacrificed her identity, independence, and some of her sanity to raise three children, nearly on her own. I am so, so grateful for everything she’s done to get me to live this beautiful life I love and to set up a successful life for my siblings. Her level of commitment and sacrifice is my goal to match, which makes it a very scary responsibility. I feared that I would fail…and failing as a mother is my worst fear of all.

Fast forward a couple of months, during which time I processed and validated my emotions, I spoke openly to a few friends I confide in, including speaking earnestly with Kyle. They have helped me gain confidence that this is not a solo mission. I’ve always known Kyle will be the best father to our child, but I was blind to the fact that he would undoubtedly be the most supportive partner to me as the mother to our child. I don’t have to give up my passions, if we work cohesively for it all. I can still live my best life - no, an even better life fulfilling my dream as a mother - if I put the entirety of my trust in my supportive husband and family and God. My relationship with God has always been a private experience for me, but this is one of those times I want to transparently share how I prayed for God to help me through my feelings on motherhood and the fear attached to it. And quickly, my fear turned into confidence for the opportunity to realize my dream. I shifted from distrusting myself to fully trusting Kyle and our families to help both of us grow into this new role as parents. I genuinely surprised myself shortly after, when I found out I was pregnant; I couldn’t have been more excited and enthusiastic about my life moving forward. I’ve never been happier than this moment I am in right now, 7 months pregnant and writing about this emotional point that just happened 9 months prior. This has been one of many lessons in my life to thoroughly embrace the emotional and physical journey, even through painful moments, to get to the best of life’s experience. If you’re in a similar situation or if you may be in a few years, I want to share that I believe that being ready for a child is totally a myth. You can feel incredibly excited, yet at the same time exceptionally nervous and worried and that is totally OKAY. Resistance to change is normal and a human child entering your life as your responsibility forever is the biggest change of all. But I’ve learned that in all situations of life, don’t let your comfort zone keep you from achieving your dreams. I’m so grateful for the community of good people whom I have to always help guide me towards success, so I think that it’s so important and appropriate to utilize your support system during this time to help build confidence and trust within yourself. I also put my faith in God, who sincerely helped ease my worries and gave me courage, perhaps through the words of those around me.

The moment I found out I was pregnant, I hyperventilated and almost fainted in the bathroom, by myself. I panicked, but I knew my husband was just outside the door and  panic morphed into heart-racing excitement. We weren’t 100% ready that day; I probably wasn’t even 50% ready. But as every day passes and as our baby grows, I’m feeling more and more ready to meet and love our sweet child together and to conquer motherhood.

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Source: http://www.honeynsilk.com/2018/06/when-i-wasnt-ready-for-motherhood.html