#for now i cant transition
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if only wishing could change things, but i'm too paralyzed to act
#I so desperately wish I didnt have to be trans#i love being queer and i dont mind knowing my fluidity and dysmorphia put me identify me as the former#but i wish i was cis and had to learn how to play with masculinity#instead of vice versa#i wish i had to bind#i wish i could enjoy my body#but alas—the good days just leave me neutral#and the bad days still leave me suicidal#fuck now that i'm thinking about it too much i might shave off my beard too#i havent felt like this since i pulled the trigger to shave my legs and have permanently scarred my thighs and stomach#because one missed hair means i need to rip it out#and that scabs#which then i need to burst open for weeks to months on end#and none of this would be as hard for me if i didnt have to learn it on my own#for now i cant transition#even if i wanted to wholeheartedly#because i can take off my glasses and pass decently well as a man#i did it for 20 years—even if by the time i was in middle school i understood i wasn't like the others#I hate that i make women uncomfortable just by my presence alone#because i look like a man#and would not be able to shake that without changing my jawline#im built like a barrel#i wish i was a cis woman that got a hysterectomy#and could indulge the comfort of being perceived as a woman innately#I could be more confident being affectionate#and i have to walk on eggshells even now because i can just *feel* how my male body taints every step i take and every relationship i have#i hate it so much#but i cant hate me#ive never hated me#and I accept this is how i am
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#on top of everything else i also now have to wonder if moving out is a good idea#because i do still feel like [_] is gonna win the election and if that happens i doubt informed consent hrt is going to be around#much longer. lol#and being able to access hrt is like 95% of why i want to move out. like why even try to live a life if i cant transition#talkys
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man i hate this riko moriyama figure hope someone shoots him in the head lol
#rereading kevin's breakdown at the EAU transfer#the transition from i cant go back there to i have to go back there#the 'maybe he'll forgive me if i go back now' like kevin my baby im so sorry#toxic ex ass 🙄🙄#i wish i could punch riko fr#aftg#tfc#kevin day#riko moriyama
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In my hc Ben absolutely has 6 scars (three on each side) on his shoulder blades/shoulders from the monorail incident send tweet
#ben pincus#jurassic world chaos theory#camp cretaceous#jurassic world camp cretaceous#camp cretaceous chaos theory#jwcc#jwct#he was def nervous abt them at first cause it kinda just screams “look at me i was attacked by dinos!!!”#and while island boy ben fucks w that grown ben does not#trans ben hc time#he was so mad because he was luckily that he started transitioning early enough to never end up needing top surgery#so he was able to go shirtless freely#but now he has other scars causing issues#he just cant win#Lucien loves them tho#thinks they look like he has wings and thats where they sprout from#will always make it a mission to give em lil kisses when he can#which makes Ben squirm because theyre sensitive which makes em v ticklish#live them#love*
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i'm a cis woman, but in the past few years i've developed a habit of headcanoning any male character i relate to as a trans women, beginning a fic trying to explore that, and then miserably falling short as i can never figure out how to end the story. i've recently joined a new fandom and started my most recent attempt at writing this ever-elusive character interpretation i've been trying to explain for years. and it occurs to me that maybe the reason i keep trying to interpret these characters i relate to as women and failing to, is because i'm trying to project the wrong experience. because i think that conclusion i can never fully bring myself to write isn't one about coming to terms with womanhood and embracing that identity, but about coming to terms with being a man.
so tldr im a trans man and this is a coming out post.
#shaking a little bit writing this but like. i dont know.#ive felt. alone a lot and ive been very scared of actually doing anything to make myself happy for a lot of my life#and ive felt a lot of shame about particularly. i dont know.#i feel a lot of shame in general#but about my gender. about feeling like i cant transition because i dont want to do it the way you see in media#and that its cool for other people to be gnc and trans and present however they want but#that itd be wrong for me. that id be faking#and i dont know i think im tired of running from it#im acting like this is some terrible truth. like this is an unspeakable evil i would inflict on the world by doing something that could mak#me happy. make me feel comfortable#i dont want that shame anymore#i never deserved it#anyways. i like the name angus. please call me angus from now on although autumn is actually still fine i do fw that name. always have#but i need to say this and put it out into the world and not take it back#this is my experience. this is my starting point. and fanfic and writing have been a big part of that#anyways. shoutout to#james wilson#most recent blorbo ive tried to trans the gender of. i think ill be able to finish this fic though lol.#trans#coming out#fandom#fanfic#personal#queer#lgbtqia
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well as you can see besides being ugly as all fuck I'm also extremely bitter so that doesn't help at all in making me appealing. but it also comes with the territory you see, being treated as a hideous freak of nature for your whole life kind of does things to your psyche.
also going into shit in the tags as an extreeeemely jaded individual who's been on every side of the discourse and KNOWS it all VERY PERSONALLY so I know many people will find all sorts of different reasons to hate me (if they want ig) because I'm ~politically homeless~ at this point because I'm sick and tired of everything but whatever
(also fuck I ran out of space in the tags so another post maybe idk. )
#so. i get why people are against children transitioning i really do. and i have my own nuanced complicated feelings about it#but honestly. im beginning to believe id be more well-adjusted by now even if just a bit if i had started larping as male by 15.#would it fix all of my problems? no. but it would make a lot of things in my life much smoother and easier.#but i was sooo deep into raddie/gc shit that i had this fucking. complex about not wanting to troon because its ~cheating~#and 'omg all the butches are leaving!!1 butch flight i cant be one of them!!!1'#'i MUST be a good example for all the young girls!!!1' a weird sort of almost martyr-like complex if you will.#but as i get older im like... honestly man fuuuuccckkkkk this.#barely anybody expects straight or even bi women to abstain from dating men forever For the Good of Womankind#its not seen as Expected but rather Exceptional and Wow Amazing if you do.#and anyone who Expects it is seen as a ~crazy extremist~#meanwhile lesbians and especially HSTS are almost fucking Expected to sacrifice themselves for the ~greater good~#and ngl other lesbiams perpetuate this shit too.#oh you CANT transition even if you feel it'll make your life easier because because because#[arguments that would really only apply to OSA females transitioning]#[strawman] [misinterpreted stats] [unverified reddit posts]#and if all else fails 'think of how the very act of doing so will HURT ALL OF WOMANKIND'#no fucking wonder dysphoric lesbians develop an fucking insane martyr complex and start to treat hrt/transitioning like its fucking crack#'ill give into the temptation if i see a happy trans person ohh nooo so nobody should be allowed to troon'#like thats not fucking normal! you realize thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL right?#youre acting like a deranged christian who is so afraid of sinning by wrongthink#and disclaimer no. i dont inherently hate being female or a lesbian but with the way i am physically and mentally#i would have/have had a Much easier time integrating into society as a ~man~. just because of how i am physically and mentally.#now i wont say internalized homophobia/etc. NEVER has anything to do with transition or etc. but im gonna be real#for HSTS (which are extremely rare in the first place) thats often only a very small part of it at most.#its often more about making our lives easier and integrating better without having to completely remold our entire personalities.#thats the reality.#would we not transition if society have patriarchy/gender roles/sexism? perhaps. i wont deny that possibility.#the fact of the matter is however#that it wont be happening any time soon. so we just want our lives to be easier.#'oh but youre lying to yourself' not necessarily. i dont have a ~gender identity~ and im well aware of myself and my situation.
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How I imagine myself (aka want to be)
Vent in the tags (sorry in advance)
#Honestly almost cried while sketching this#I feel so stupid#Like why did I agree to wait until i'm 25 to transition#Oh wait I know#Because I love my parents to much and they only really support me if I a) am 25 or b) my mental health is really really bad#Also it's that part of my mind that's doubting everything. That it's just a phase. That i'm not actually transmasc#Also the psychologist I used to go to supported the idea to wait till 25 and was talking about some whos she knew#And how that girl wanted to be a boy but she got a boyfriend and she didn't want to anymore#Or that boy who wanted to be a girl but later found his identity and was secure in his agab#And she kept saying/asking; “Would you be able to accept to be just a manly woman??” And similar questions#And I know it's stupid but because of it I just keep questioning myself over and over#Because now i'm especially scared it's something I grow out off#But I just want to look in a mirror and be happy#And while I do like my clothing. I want other stuff but I feel goddam dysphoric in that#Only things I can change about me is piercings and my hair but even that is something my parents aren't really keen of#Atleast the length is something they are okay with but if it's kinda more a “”man's style“” and I hear only “oh my god it's so manly"#Honestly I just hate that i'm to scared to do anything about it#All the while I suffer#cause I just cant get out of the house without a binder. Always checking how my profile looks like. Crying when its not how I want it to be#Or almost crying when my mom says “that size is better for a girl like you because other wise it looks boyish” even when I confided in her#transmasc#transgender#trans artwork#Trans#Artists on tumbr#Lgbt#my art <3#my own post
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I GOT AN OTGW CARDIGAN!!!! OMG!!!
#cant take a pic right now cause im in transit#THANK YOU HOT TOPIC I LOVE YOU#this was the first purchase ever i didnt look at the price (alhumdulillah im grateful for the ability to do that once in a blue moon)#was it expensive? unfortunately yeah hella gouged price#for the quality#BUT BUT BUT#people buy nice jeans and concert tickets and other stuff all the time#i can impulse buy an OTGW sweater#IM SO FUCKING EXCITED TO WEAR IT AHHHHH#WEATHER PLS STAY COLD ALREADY STOP HEATING UP TO 23 IN THE AFTERNOON#musings#also if youre curious it was like (with tax and discount) $79...
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being gay is illegal in my country now:( im scared of living here
#iyhhghhnh.g....g.g...#first they banned transition now being lgbtq+ .iii cant afford moving i dont even have ajob
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i dont ship them per say i just think they understand each other in a way no one else can and while this could bring them together it’s much more likely for them to reject the horror of being known and cannibalize each other like oscars
#eunyung baek and haejoon goh. to me#i dont think they’re getting together i think theyre going 2 years without talking and then runners into each other and acting like no time#passed at all i think theyre just like adult besties that kinda hate each other#like yeah thats my best friend hes a shithead tho. kinda cant stand him. we’re going out for drinks thursday and i just know hes gonna be#a mess and itll suck. but ill go anyways#haejoon texts him like hey man whats up its been a few months whereve you been#and eunyung sends a photo of himself like in the mountains or some shit with no context#hes like yeah i joined an expedition lol ive been living in the woods for 3 months#they go like a full year without talking and haejoon goes wonder what hes up to and its always something crazy#i think thats how theyd have to be i think if the less time they soend together the better friends they are#eunyung: i joined a commune i think its a cult tho idk its kinda fun#haejoon: please just fucking use my guest room for the love of god#eunyung transitions and visits for the holidays because juwan invited him and haejoons like#something is different. is it weird if i ask. does everyone else know. will they think im homophobic if i ask#eunyung: hey can i bring my boyfriend to thanksgiving#haejoon: absolutely fucking not.#eunyung: homophobic.#haejoon: im gay bitch i dont want anyone youre dating in my house regardless of gender. im going to hate them.#haejoon sends him job listings and apartments and is like i will drive you to your interview please get a normal job#and stop getting involved in multi level marketing schemes#and eunyung goes no 🫶 die#i hust wanted to talk about them. miss them. i caught up to my translation im reading and now i gotta wait for updates
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i love my stupid headcanons with stupid reasoning <3
#i did the march 7th training thing and now i am a transfem!blade truther#transition can save her (no it cant shes still majorly suicidal)#roadtrip.system
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is anybody sooo stressed out
#im running out of time but also ive Been running out of time. ive already reached failure levels for my age#talkys#and im only getting olderrr#can someone tell me how to get a 6 fig job real quick#so i can move out and transition#also go back in time so i couldve started soonwr#i cant believe it. ill be 30 when his term ends. i dont want to be 30 and pre t.#its jst gonna get harder and harder to Find Someone.#its so embarrassing to not have any experience at 30......#but like even if he loses its not like id have any chance anyway ykwim#if he lost id still be a loser who cant move out and go on T. just like i am now and have been for Ever. idk what to do#idek where to start.#and i lose drive to do so every day anyway bc whats the point of moving out if i cant go on t and find love
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if butterfly soup ever gets like,,,let's say a 2.5 for the side character's who get some spotlight in this entry...
I want to know every single bit of HER BACKSTORY
How'd her journey go before this current time??? did she have banger friends to support her??? when did she figure out she wanted to be a girl??? how did her parents take the new's??? was she scared to transition at first but then she realized this was gonna be the best decision of her life??? HOW DID SHE PICK SUCH A COOL NAME FOR HERSELF AND HAVE THE BEST TRANSITION IN EXISTENCE.
I NEED ANSWERS.
#butterfly soup#butterfly soup 2#liz butterfly soup#I JUST GOTTA KNOW.#AS SOMEONE WHOS BEEN THROUGH THE TRANS TUBE FOR YEARS AND YEARS FIGURING IT OUT I NEED TO KNOW.#i feel extreme emotions whenever seeing this character and i can just SEE. THE POTENTIAL OF DIGGING DEEPER INTO HER STORY#OR IDK MAYBE WE DONT NEED TO#MAYBE ITS BETTER LEFT TO THE IMAGINATION IDK MAN DNDNDNDNDBDBD#i just like#as someone thinking about transitioning#probably in the future cause defs cant do it now but like#man...#some trans comfort and angst food from her would be so so good.#liz my beloved#UR EVERYTHING I WANNA BEEEEEE
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#VENT#VENT TAGS AHEAD !!#so the job is...awful.#i applied for 20-25 hours#they asked if i could do 30#and now theyre pushing me into 40.#i didn't realize that when i agreed to 30 that was NOT binding (i should have known because it wasn't in my job offer. but i am 19 and--#ive never had a job offer letter before. even tho this is just retail)#and i can't adjust my availability for 90 days.#and since i put full availability expecting 25 hours max#now i have FULL 24/7 AVAILABILITY ON FILE for three months at least#and i have no idea what to do because this means i cant commit to any classes coming up for college#but ive been job hubting for months and barely got anything#and if i lose the job i have to move back in with my dad which is almost worse#whats wirse is my leader/boss is so mean. im not saying this lightly#i dont want to get into it but im barely a week in and he's made disrespectful and pushy comments towards me#has basically told me to stay late (which theoretically i cluld say no; but im still on my three months of 'we will fire you if we want to'#and like i said. need the job.#so he told me to stay late knowing i cant really say no#he's given me a frankly absurd amount of work (instock and i get carts filled woth 2-3x their max capacity unorganized and dangerously--#overloaded) and then he pushes me and snaps at me to get it done in an absurdly short timeframe while im still in TRAINING#im afab and present femme as i haven't transitioned irl and he is so ragingly sexist#he often just refers to me and the other girl being trained as 'girl' or 'that girl#and to top it all off#i took this job over a second interview at a place i really liked#because i thought the hours at this olace would be more consistent#nope! full time! surprise!!#and now im kicking myself so fucking hard over it. i feel like i fucked up so hard#and my friend i moved here with has been home for two months and will be this month so im just. alone. and i don't really have anyone to#turn to. im just so very stressed and tired and lonely
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Ninth Final Babylon's Taboo:
vs 20th anniversary Babylon's Taboo:
#the gazette#ruki#I really didnt like this song when i 1st listened to it#But when i realised its supposed to be this irrational absurd horror mindfuckery kind of thing i feel like i unlocked it#And its literally one of my favs now i cant go a day without listening to it rlly addicting#In the 20th anniv uruha is so immersed its a pleasure to watch#And the transition into dogma is so breathtaking fr might be the best thing they did in terms of stage visuals#babylon#scenography#symbolism#pbm#20th#Ninth final#redness
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reading 9-1-1 fics that were clearly written before certain canon events makes everything so much funnier cause they're written with certain details that the authors clearly thought would be unequivocal evidence of romantic buddie and/or bro-ified to make it realistic to canon but then 99% of the time the show will just throw in a scene later that is 1) that exact detail that to anyone else would only make sense if buddie is canon and 2) not overlayed with any no-homo message that could tone it down at ALL.
#this is about me reading a fic and only realizing it was written -s3 cause everyone keeps referring to buck as chris' uncle or godson#and that one fic that tried showing bucks transition to christopher's stepdad when he and eddie get together with him#baking cookies for chris' bake sale#also a bunch of other stuff i cant remember now#911 abc#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#weewoo brainrot
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