#for growth and change and a chance to live in peace and without fear

[cassafrasscr]

I know a lot of folks are unhappy with Bell’s Hells asking the pantheon to give up their godhood, but I can't help thinking of Orym in their first conversation with the Matron:

"Do you ever miss being mortal? Living a life... it's pretty great."

[writingwisterias]

Ruined

Part 2

Kidnapper! Leon Kennedy x AFAB!reader

Warnings: DEAD DOVE: DNE, SMUT MDNI, Dub-Con, Sonomphila, Oral (F receiving), Cow-Girl, Unprotected Sex, Degradation Kink, Implied Abuse, Manipulation, Light Intox Kink, Isolation

Read Pt1

Taglist: @rigorwhoring

had a thought couldn't shake it = pt2, Lighter on the tags this time but only going to get worse ;)

Nature was your only chance for a brief moment of peace, being able to watch the water flow freely in front of you from where you perched on a fallen tree without the fear of anything. Most of your fight had left, the fear of him doing something worse lingered in the back of your mind. His strength seemed endless like there were no limits he wouldn’t go to just so you understood that he can easily overpower you. Nothing in this situation was fair and it never will be so you have accepted that you should just deal with it. You had still yet to see the full extent of your kidnappers' anger – it wasn’t like you wanted to, after all curiosity killed the cat. With how obsessed he was with you it wouldn’t be like him to go that far. At least you hoped not. It was a good thing, you suppose, that his tolerance was high you guess. 

If you sat here for long enough it was like you almost forgot where you were or why you were here. The nature changed around you, fresh leaves appearing on the tree now that spring had come around. The leaf litter being broken down by the mushroom colonies that had now appeared, their spores dusted the air giving the rays of sun an ethereal look. Occasionally animals would appear on the other side of the stream, the new babies drinking for the first time. You were just enjoying the sounds and sights of your new home you suppose, it wasn’t one that you wanted but it wasn’t terrible. It was nice to be here, like this. Until you heard the twig snap - his boots thudding on the floor as he approached you. 

The plant life squashed, its future growth now relied on its own will to live. 

“It’s getting dark now,” Leon said from behind you. One of his new rules he’s implemented. No time after dark, not when he nearly had a heart attack when he couldn’t find or see you. The orange sky was your warning. You didn’t reply to him, you never needed to say anything after all what he said was final. You’ve had enough handprints on your skin to learn that lesson. At least he was gentle this time as you walked through the door, his hand was holding yours softly instead crushing each bone. 

“The sky’s pretty today” You said, watching the ground carefully as you walked next to him. Shoes were still a privilege you have yet to earn back after the last attempt to escape a few months ago so the last thing you needed was a thorn or cut on your foot if the opportunity did present itself. Leon nodded, stopping on the porch to observe the orange hues. They were always his favourite. It didn’t matter if the sun was rising or setting - if he saw them it meant he survived to live another day. 

You watched carefully as his eyes scanned over them, his features calm as they fluttered shut. He looked peaceful – thankful even. “Don’t you think? I always liked the sunset” You prompted. He glanced over to you. He always did this, like he still didn’t fully trust you since your last escape. Trying to find any hidden meanings in your words.  His grip tightened ever so slightly, afraid in his moment of weakness you might dash away again. Still never fully convinced you wanted to be here, like you were hesitant. 

Upon entering the cabin you could already feel the heat of the fire, the crackles filling the room. The dinner he had made was already set out in front of you, vegetables he had gone out to collect, the ones from the garden not quite ready yet. Venison that he had also previously hunted. 

You hated the way that smell was becoming familiar, feeling like home to you after so long being here. Dinner as usual was eaten in silence, he preferred it that way. Spending his time making sure you actually ate everything until he began to eat himself. Once the clinking sound of your cutlery against the plate was heard you would be allowed to speak again. “There were a few animals at the stream today” You spoke watching him as he began to eat. 

He was methodic and gentle as he used the knife on the steak, scoring his lines in the meat before pressing harder to carve it. The actions mimicked familiar situations you have been in with him. The scar was now angry and red, you caught it in every window reflection or the bathroom mirror. A branding of where you belonged, like a horse or cattle to a cowboy. “What kind?” He asked, his eyes bore into you but they never really seemed interested in what you had to say exactly. More like he enjoyed the simplicity and domestic feel of the evening. “A few deer and rabbits. If I stay quiet enough they linger”

Your nails picked at the skin on your hand, your once perfect ones now were often seen with bloodied scabs. Despite your acceptance of your situation, the doubts and guilt you once had with your forgotten life are now gone – you still grew nervous in his presence. His control and dominance never faulted, always masking an element of him that you knew haunted him. It always slipped when darkness greeted him, when he was forced to sleep. His mind is plagued by nightmares of a side of him you didn't know about and he hoped you never would. After all he considered you his salvation, the only good thing he has managed to protect and gain. Conversations like this, despite his lack of interest, meant a lot to him. 

“Maybe I should take you hunting with me then” Leon commented. Everything was always so violent with him, something innocent like watching animals always involved death eventually, little do you know that his whole life has been violent. Apart from the slither of love you have given him during sex it’s all he’s ever known. You smiled and nodded, not exactly agreeing but the idea of seeing more of the surrounding area is tempting. You never got far enough in your times of escaping, the trees always looked the same beyond the stream. “What’s it like? Hunting I mean.” You asked anything to stop the impending silence that lingered if the conversation went dry. 

Leon always assumed you wouldn’t be interested in stuff like that. He would never admit that he hunted in a way to keep himself trained around a gun, after all anything could happen. “Peaceful” 

Seeing him describe such a violent act like this made himself cringe, he had never liked the idea of death. He’s seen it far too often but Leon was a provider – a career. You needed to eat and he had the skills to make sure you have plenty of what you needed. Maybe showing more of the beauty that surrounded you would make you happier. Keep that smile that showed itself very little, there a while longer. That meant it was easier for you to gather your surroundings. It had only been a season since your last escape. You promised not to fight anymore but he saw the way you hesitated still when he kissed you. You grimace as you look upon the mark he left on your chest in the mirror. 

The hesitation was still there and until he got rid of it you would be limited. You didn’t need him to explain his answer further, it would open up questions you were sure would get you punished in some way. Instead you both continued to clean up, manoeuvring around each other like a practiced dance. Your hums filled the air such a sweet tune he enjoyed so much. He watched as you lost yourself in your own mind watching the night grow closer through the window. He wondered where you were, wanting to know every thought you had and collect it like a dream journal. You jumped when you felt his lips on your shoulder, sucking the skin softly no doubt leaving another mark. 

His touch was always so confusing. His lips were demanding, greedy to devour your sweet taste whilst his hands were gentle as they lifted you onto the kitchen counter. His fingers dug in the flesh of your thighs as he pried them apart, the nightdress you wore hitching up towards your hips as you displayed yourself to him. Leon nibbled at your thighs, each bite slowly growing closer to your clothed cunt. Yet, when he reached his destination he only smirked, eyes flicking upwards to see your face. Your brows pinched in pleasure, your teeth tugging on your lips silencing your whimpers as if they were a shameful thing to do. 

Like it was such a terrible thing to enjoy what pleasure he treated you with. You felt his rough fingertips graze along the hem of your underwear, playing with the lace. “Don’t silence yourself love, you know how much I love your pretty song” He chuckled. You whimpered as his nose pressed against the fabric that separated him from your pussy. You could feel the tug on the fabric as he inhaled your scent, sucking on the gusset gently to gather the first taste. An appetiser of what you had to offer. You could feel the hint of a smile grow on your features as he pulled the fabric away exposing you. 

His tongue had insane accuracy as he swiped at the arousal that was already pooling. His moan vibrated around you at your sweet taste, if only he had a drink in this flavour. Your legs trapped him close to you ensuring that he had no choice but to continue to devour you. Your pleasure caused his cock to throb in his trousers, the hardness of it almost becoming painful. He realized a while ago you didn’t mind the sex with him as long as your pleasure came first. If it felt like you were getting something out of it before him. You never saw the damp patch on his boxers when he would stand up and pull out his cock. The taste of you was enough for him, the thrill of betraying you with this simple realization had him orgasming first. The taste of you was always comparable to a Michelin star dessert. 

Leon could feel the clench of your walls around your tongue as he brought you closer to your orgasm. His nose nudged against the sensitive bud eliciting deep guttural moans that sent the blood straight down to his cock. Just when you were about to cum, to give him the sweet juices he craved daily – Leon pulled away standing in front of you. Your cheeks were flush, eyebrows pinched in frustration. Complaints lingered in your mouth but came out in pathetic pleads and begs for pleasure again. Your own fingers frantically help him undo his trousers and free his leaking cock. “So desperate. I still remember when you pleaded for me to not give it to you. All that time you could have been getting all of this pleasure. Just for what? To not ruin your pride?” He chuckled as he lined it up. 

It felt like heaven as he slid it through your folds, you watched the tip appear – red and eager already beading with his cum. His lips brushing the shell of your ear “Admit to me that you’ve always wanted it. Even when you squirmed part of you enjoyed it. Admit it” 

It was a command. One that if you refused he would withdraw the pleasure you were clawing for. “Please, I was a fool before. I need it Leon” You begged. He laughed as he finally sunk himself into you. Groaning as you moulded around him, the tightness of your cunt gripping onto him like the nails you dug into his shoulders. He never seemed to get close enough, there was never enough skin contact for you. Leon moved slowly at first teasing you before his own pleasure coursed through him in a demand to finish. The usual silence of the home was broken with your moans, the sound of skin slapping before with one final thrust he finished. Pulling away to watch the cum spill out of you. 

“Beautiful” 

You didn’t hear his words, not when you felt his lips suck against the scar on your chest. The skin now angry and pulsing. Always leaving a reminder, making sure you never forgot. Sex was weird, the casual act of intimacy for normal people never felt quite right for the two of you. There was still reluctance on your part – the palms of your hands always pushed against his shoulders shoving him further away. Your mind always outwardly rejects him whenever you know it or not. 

You wouldn’t get a shower tonight, not as his cum still dripped down your thighs. He always left it there to grow sticky, the smell permeating your skin like a scent claim. You could imagine the look he would give you in the morning when he wakes you up with his mouth again, the smell of him lingering on your skin. 

Your nightgown was replaced with a fresh one, the stark white showing off an innocence you weren’t sure you obtained anymore. Leon did however – of course he did. You hadn’t seen what he had, felt the bones crush in your body as you continued to fight no matter what because it was your job. 

The two of you laid away in the dark, your head resting on his chest listening to his steady heart whilst his finger brushed through your hair. How did you get here? Why did he have to choose you? You wouldn’t have wished this on any other girl but what was his incentive. What was his goal? Did he really want you to just live here, in this lonely bubble? Your thoughts were loud to him as they were everynight. You understood he explained the basics of why he took you, his admission to finally having something good in his life. To provide a happy ending for the both of you. He felt your breathing change as you grew frustrated. You promised him to not fight anymore, to give in and appreciate the life he's giving you. Leon wasn’t stupid, not anymore, he could tell you still had a spark of rebellion in you. He was just waiting for it to appear.

He thought before about telling you about the horrors that plagued his mind. AFter all, he had only given you a brief explanation over what his job was. The gruesome details of the event he had experienced left him with nightmares. The things he had faced now lingered in the shadows of the room or the corner of his eyes. Maybe he would tell you about the ghosts of his pasts, the one that smiled at him from the trees when he was alone. He wouldn’t let you turn out like them; not when he had the ability to make sure you never did. 

You were special, Leon knew that from the moment he sunk his fat cock into your pussy. You stretched and clenched around him in the most perfect way he immediately became addicted that first night he had you. You had to be claimed somehow – so feisty that first time it was a hassle getting you to stay still, a fuck like you was too good to let loose. He still had the photo after he fucked your mouth; it was your fault the cock slipped out of your mouth anyway. The tip was lined up perfectly as he rubbed his cock until his load drenched your face. The translucent substance looked so pretty against your skin, giving it a soft glow that suited you. Eyes still shut as it coated your lashes; it created the perfect opportunity to form that photo. God you were perfect for him.

You felt his breathing even out the soft snores slowly releasing from his lips. It only ever happened when he was on his back trapped by you, for your own sleep you slipped away opting to face the window and the impending darkness that lingered. It never scared you, the unknown. The idea that something will happen to save you was one you clinged onto for comfort. You might have lost everything, became some mystery to the outside world but you knew your story wasn’t finished. Even if it was the reaper that came to write your final ending, that the darkness outside would sneak inside to take you away. Away from him. Unlike Leon the darkness didn’t scare you. 

His whimpers woke you up, the sheets ripped from your body as he shot awake with a sense of urgency. You didn’t even get time to react to the blinding light as he turned on the lamp beside you. His frantic eyes scanned the room silently getting rid of any danger that lurked in the corners. Until they fell on you. Your body looked so small in the sheets, eyes slowly adjusting to the light as well as his panicked form. His hands shook as they touched you, holding your shoulder tightly. “Leon-” 

You were cut off as he brought you into his arms, burying you in a hug. His scent intoxicated you, his skin layered with a sheen of sweat. You could feel him press kisses in the crown of your head, his mind using you as a grounding point. There was nothing you could do, you waited for his grip to loosen. The pain that flared along your skin was just a sign of more bruises to litter there in the morning. The tender spots would be hard to forget like always. Part of you felt sorry for him seeing him this affected by a dream. You would ask if there was anything more you could have done or if there was something in particular he needed. 

He was a horrible man, one that has stripped you of the essence of yourself but no one should be hunted in their dreams. Having nowhere to escape in a vulnerable moment. It was only when his grip loosened you spoke. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

It was normal to do that, he knew this. It's what normal couples do to comfort and talk to each other about what happened in their dreams, even the bad ones. He pulled away and looked at you, the sleep still lingered in your eyes. You slowly blinked them at him. He could tell you, perhaps in this state you would forget not to use his dream against him in the future. Allow a moment for his control to slip but that was riding on the fact you would forget. He knew you…you wouldn’t forget not with something like this. “You don’t need to worry about me” He spoke instead. It was strange to see the inner conflict so visible on your face as you had a silent conversation. You were never this expressive with him unless he was pounding his cock into you. 

“Does it happen often?” You asked again. Leon nodded his already messy hair now falling over his face. “Tonight was the worst. In a long while at least” 

You believed him, most of the time he woke up and snuggled back into you as if you being here actually helped him. Tonight however he jumped from bed, holding you desperately. It was different, the air had shifted. “I can make you tea tomorrow, it’s meant to help with sleep. I used to make it.” 

Your offer wasn’t instantly rejected which surprised you, maybe his troubles with sleep were worse than he led on. Leon nodded again, a smile growing on his lips at your offer to even help him. Maybe it was slowly developing into something he wanted, that time alone with just him was enough to ensure you created a bond with him. “Is there anything in particular you need?” He questioned, the house was stocked and he made sure of it. The kitchen had shelves of herbs and spices, in those cute little house jars that he assumed you would like. 

He didn’t tap into your devices for no reason after all, he wanted the perfect life for you. To spoil you with everything you wanted. He saw each little post you made online about how they made you feel, about how much you wanted to leave. Your pinterest boards filled with your dream items, the style you wanted, the hobbies or house decoration. He read it all like a book, like it was his daily news. It hurt you still didn’t notice or appreciate it all. “Valerian root, Lavender, Chamomile. I can forage for most of it, there might be some in the woods” 

He nodded, his heartbeat was steady again, a united front to prevent you from seeing too much. You had already seen enough weakness. “I’ll see what I can do” 

It was the next morning he approached you with the idea of going out further into the woods, you had told him the only one native was Valerian root. Also rumoured to be the most effective in achieving a deeper sleep. Leon would be lying if he said he didn’t feel unnerved with the idea of falling into a deep sleep, it had been so long since he’s not been plagued by nightmares and had a full body reset. Part of it felt nice, beginning to be able to just feel his muscles slightly looser in the morning. Maybe his head will be clearer and he’ll stop being so paranoid. He was aware of the effect lack of sleep had on a person – he just never had the ability to ease it. 

It shocked him last night at your admittance to using the tea yourself. Since you have been living here there was no evidence of your bad sleep. Perhaps that was another thing he has helped you with – his presence next to you at night fighting the nightmares you have now forgotten about. It was an unknown privilege to you that he no longer had to leave for the longer missions. It had been months since he was called into office. 

Leon knew how to make the activity harder since he insisted you held his hand the entire time. This was the compromise, he wanted you naked again – stripped bare so you wouldn't even think about leaving him. His hand was warm at least, a reminder that if you dared to edge closer to him you would feel the warmth of his body, a stark contrast from the morning frost. “I see why you like coming out here so much, the sun looks…magical” He spoke. You looked at him surprised to find his features relaxed, his eyes briefly closing just like he did yesterday evening. As if in his darkness the sun was his only light but now you caught him looking at you more, like you actually had an impact in his life. As if you helped him. If only you could know how. 

Your eyes remained firmly on the ground once he caught you looking at him, blush creeping in on your features. It wasn’t that Leon was unattractive that’s what confused you. He was fine until you miss behaved, you’ve learnt which of his buttons not to push and which of his moods to avoid to make your life easier. And yet still, you longed for that boring job which gave you endless headaches. The small meaningless things in life that still somehow gave you joy. He took that from you. You have learnt how to live without it, yes but part of you still craves it. 

“Your brain is working too hard again. Why?” 

He tugged on your arm, pain flaring as his grip tightened to halt your movements. You blinked at him like a deer in headlights. “I–I was just thinking about you” Your voice was quite unsure like you were aware of the hole you were digging yourself into. “What about me?” His smirk was suggestive, an eyebrow quirked up in amusement. Blush coats your cheeks as you attempt to think of any form of answer. “Um…s–sex?” Was that the best you could come up with?  

He barked a laugh, your response clearly pleasing him as his grip loosened slightly. “Never thought I’d see the day” His response was teasing. You felt your cheeks heat up, becoming flustered as you then began to actually think about him and sex. Heat pooling in between your legs. It wasn’t normal to feel like this, you shouldn’t. He was a horrible man – that’s all he should be left as. 

“I’ve found some” You muttered after a short while, pointing at the white flowers that decorated the stem you needed. He nodded, taking the combat knife that always stayed strapped to his hip. The green hilt was frayed and damaged - evidence that he has had it for many years. He let go of your hand briefly, watching you with an intense stare before walking around to the side of the plant so he could still see you as he cut it. “It would be pointless running away whilst you are right next to me” You spoke. It had been a while since the both of you had spoken about your old habit. He shrugged, watching you more carefully now. “I wouldn’t put it past you”. 

He was right, this was your first act towards loyalty that wasn’t just following his rules. You were optionally helping him, using your knowledge to treat him from unknown horrors to you. It was something he hadn’t expected from you. Not for a while anyway. “I like this. Being here. I just wish I could see or do more” You admitted. Leon nodded, perhaps it was time to allow you to have some freedoms that didn’t involve you sitting on the log opposite the house. Maybe you could learn how to sew or knit and begin filling the house with things that you made. Finally turning it into a loving home, warmth coming from something other than the fire that you both watched at night. You couldn’t tell what was going on through his head, and you weren’t sure if you wanted to. “It makes me happy to hear that” Was all he responded with accompanied with a gentler smile. 

Your usual routine was pretty much the same, your outside time was cut short from the orange hues. He didn’t hold your hand this time, he allowed you to walk next to him without guidance. It felt nice to have this small display of trust but your fingers itched for the warmth of his. To feel the rough skin on his palms against yours. 

After dinner, you boiled the water in the kitchen for you to make the tea, the valerian root was already grated ready for use. He watched as you prepared it, tasting it for yourself with a small sip on the side of the mug. Hands flickering over the spice jars to add what you thought it needed. You had a small smile when you presented it to him after dinner, the fire crackled behind the both of you. “We can go to bed when I start to feel sleepy” You nodded, understanding that he wouldn’t want you walking around the house whilst he slept. You still had to wake him up to let him know you were going to the bathroom at night. “And you are sure this will help?” He asked, swirling the liquid in the mug. It wasn’t like you could poison him, he had watched you prepare every step from where he sat at the table. “It should help you fall asleep. It won’t knock you out like a sleep med” You said, smiling softly. 

That was a good thing he supposed, eliminated one of his fears. You both moved to the fire, sitting on the sofa watching the flames dance around each other. The wood burns brightly leaving only the embers and ashes. To his surprise you leant on his shoulder. You had never done this before; maybe it was because he was finally trusting you and in return you trusted him. He watched the shadows dance along your features, your hair falling on his shoulders. You felt him tug you closer, silently offering a sense of protection. “Why are you crying?” He whispered in your ear. You hadn’t even noticed you were, the tear was a silent scream from the inside that this enjoyment was wrong. You shouldn’t want to be near him and be held like this, but your longing for freedom was fading.

It has been so long since you have been held, being able to weep in someone else's arms, not the pillow you used at night. “I’m not sure” you whispered, sitting up straighter to look at him. To watch his reaction. Instead of anger or disappointment genuine care laced his features. The last time you saw this look was after one of the first escape attempts and you tripped over a log. Your cries of pain hurt him deeply back then, now they were just another sound to him. Most of them coming from his punishments anyway. “Maybe sleep will make you feel better” He cooed. You nodded, holding his hand optionally. 

Leon felt the effects of your tea pretty quickly it seemed, his arm now dead weight against your waist. You watched the net curtain blow in the wind, the breeze that leaked through the small gap. You turned to face Leon, watched as the soft snores slipped through his partially open mouth. He was peaceful for once, nightmares that normally plagued him finally left him alone. Your finger poked at him, prodding him gently. He didn’t move, didn’t react. Normally his eyes opened immediately. He had never been a deep sleeper, you knew this from when you tried to chance an escape at night. Perhaps it could work this time. 

The floor was cold against your bare feet but you took no notice as you began to creep out the room. The front door was now in sight, as you crept past the dying fire that had now reduced to embers: to you, this was the prettiest part of a fire, burning a bright red, waiting for the opportunity to ignite again with the right fuel. Nobody ever thinks to drown them out with water, they just assume that they’ll burn out on their own, but that's how most fires restart. It just takes the right conditions for it all to spark up again…

Your hand gingerly touched the freezing knob, turning it slightly. It was unlocked. This was your chance surely? A sign you could finally get a good enough headstart and escape or die somewhere in the woods. Finally get away from this place. 

You couldn’t move, it felt too good to be true. The door was ajar, the cold breeze was harsh on your bare toes. You had finally settled here, everyone back home would have forgotten you by now. He would just find you again, he was a government agent. You couldn’t hide from someone like him. You would only be dragged back and your hard work to get him to trust you would be pointless. Your eyes glanced at his boots placed neatly next to the front door. The laces loose incase he needed to slip them on quickly. It didn’t take much to tug them out, holding the ribbons of fabric in your fingers. You closed the door, turning back towards the bedroom. 

Heat and excitement blossomed in your stomach alongside the fire, which now had a new lease of life, rejuvenated by the breeze. As you sashayed through the bedroom door, you noticed Leon now lay on his back. His chest is still slowly rising and falling with his sleep. He didn’t wake when you sat back on the bed, your knees pressed against his chest nor did he when you began to tie his wrists to the bed frame. You didn’t care if the string bit into his skin, he could have marks like he gave you when he first did this. You looked at the permanent red bracelets that now decorated your skin. Maybe you could carve your name onto his chest, give him the same treatment as you gave him. 

You felt the tears this time. What happened to you? You were just like him. Thinking of every way you could hurt him like he did to you. You weren’t any better. 

Not ignoring the heat that pooled in your stomach you hovered above him before sinking on his lap, feeling his soft cock underneath you separated by the duvet and underwear. He was vulnerable like this. Just as you were before. When he took you all those months ago. Leon broke you into the person you were now. Your family wouldn’t want you back, not after him. Not with these ugly scars that now littered your body, his stupid initials branded onto you. You were his now, there was no point in denying it. 

You moaned as you rubbed yourself along the length of him, feeling it harden even in his sleep. His need and reactions to your body only spurred you on more. There wasn’t anyone else that would react to you like he did; Made you feel like they needed you to just breathe. Your fingers shook as you pulled the fabric away, sliding his boxer along his legs exposing the length you now craved. Your eyes flicked towards his face, watching as his eyebrows pinched together slightly now his tip was exposed to the cold air but he didn’t wake. Your finger ran along the slit of it watching as beads of cum replaced the ones you wiped away. Even in his sleep he was desperate for you. Craving you. You slipped your underwear off, the nightdress discarded as well. The white fabric didn’t suit you anymore. Not after this. 

You whimpered as you sunk onto him, feeling yourself stretch and mold to accommodate him. His hangs tugged at the laces you began to move, eyes blinking as he panicked. Leon’s groan was wonderful, they always were. You were in control, it was exciting. He was whimpering beneath you. Your hips continued to wake him up, the slow circles causing him to tug at the restraints until finally he stopped. You faltered as he stared at you, keeping eye contact with you as you continued. “What is this?” He said, a slow smirk beginning to grow on his features. “Have I corrupted you? Tainted your soul to be as dark as mine?”  

You shook your head, the pleasure building up slowly as you continued to use him. He stopped tugging, stopped trying to break away. Eyes fluttering shut each time you lifted yourself along his cock only to slam it back down. “I thought you’d run away, finally get a head start but you finally figured out there was no point didn’t you” 

You jumped as his hand caressed your thigh, it shouldn’t be there. It was…tied up. Leon’s eyes darkened as you looked back at his wrists. “You were so close, love but don’t fool yourself now” He chuckled. You sped up, trying to finish before he ripped it away. Your desperation only fuels him further, his hip joining yours in an onslaught of pleasure. He couldn’t have given you this slither of power. Once chance to finally take what you wanted. No. That would have gone to your head, made you think your plan worked. You used his weakness against him. The fight has never left you now. No matter how many times you told him it had. That he had broken you down to this weak person who wouldn’t betray him anymore. 

“Please…just let me finish” You whimpered, you needed the release that was coming from your own doings. Your own pace. To enjoy the slither of freedom you gave yourself. He only smirked. “Leon– please” 

“Such a whore now. Begging for your release. I know it’s because you gave it. You made it happen” 

You whimpered again, nodding. Cursing yourself as your hips began to falter now the pleasure was getting too much, tethering yourself on the edge of overstimulation. “Such a whore for the bad man” 

He stopped, his fingers gripped at your hips holding you in place. He couldn’t give you this, you would do it again and again. He’d rather suffer in his nightmare than allow someone else take control of his choices, his life. You were flipped onto the bed. Head dangling off the edge causing the blood to rush there. Leon was unforgiving in his pace, his pelvis hitting yours and it turned into pain. Each thrust felt like a spank. Your hands gripped at his, desperately holding on as you became fuzzy. He felt your orgasm, the force of it pushing his cock out harshly. “I was wrong to trust you, to think you were changing and understanding what I do for you” 

You whimpered attempting to lift your head to look at him but his hand landed on your neck. Holding it in place. He was doing it wrong, crushing your windpipes instead of the blood circulation. You panicked squirming beneath. “After months we are right back where we started. If you had seen the things I have you wouldn’t. You would hide here like a good girl and be grateful for this. That you are alive to experience it” 

Leon finished with a grunt, his hand closing around your throat as he fucked his cum into your over senstive pussy. When you finally raised your head he stared back at you, his eyes dark daring you to do something. It was tempting. To become this little brat he couldn’t contain. “Continue like this…and see where it gets you. You are already becoming twisted using me like that” 

“Just took inspiration from you” 

He didn’t appreciate the bite in your words. You watched his fingers twitch each digit clenching into a fist and then relaxing. Your hips hurt, your throat hurts. He had ruined you now, your soul and actions just as bad as his own. He wasn’t wrong. It just made it all the more exciting.

[rowanvalerian]

Minor Arcana Tarot Meanings

Reversals in italic.

Wands

Ace - Creation, desire Lack of energy, lack of passion, boredom 2 - Planning, making decisions Fear of change, playing safe 3 - Looking ahead, rapid growth Obstacles, delays 4- Community, celebration Lack of support 5 - Conflict, rivalry Avoiding conflict, accepting differences 6 - Victory, success Excess pride, punishment 7 - Perseverance Giving up, overwhelmed 8 - Movement, quick decisions Panic, waiting 9 - Resilience, grit Exhaustion, fatigue 10 - Accomplishment, responsibility, burden Stress, burn out Page - Exploration, freedom Lack of direction, conflict Knight - Action, adventure, fearlessness Anger, impulsivity, recklessness Queen - Courage, joy, passion Selfishness, jealousy King - Leader, big picture Impulsive, overbearing

Cups

Ace - Spirituality, intuition Emotional loss, emptiness 2 - Unity, partnership Imbalance, tension 3 - Friendship, community Gossip, overindulgence, isolation 4- Apathy, disconnectedness Acceptance, awareness 5 - Loss, grief, disappointment Acceptance, finding peace 6 - Memories, familiarity, restoration Moving on, independence 7 - Choices, daydreaming Disarray, confusion 8 - Disillusionment, leaving behind Avoidance, fear of change or loss 9 - Satisfaction, luxury Smugness, dissatisfaction 10 - Fulfillment, inner happiness Shattered dreams Page - Dreamer, sensitivity Insecurity, disappointment Knight - Romantic, idealistic Moodiness, fickleness, fantasy Queen - Calm, comfort, compassion Insecurity, dependence King - Emotional control Coldness, emotional manipulation

Swords

Ace - Clarity, sharp mind Confusion, chaos 2 - Difficult choices, indecision, stalemate Lesser of two evils 3 - Heartbreak, grief, suffering Recovery, forgiveness 4- Rest, restoration, contemplation Restlessness, burn out, stress 5 - Ambition, sneakiness Lingering resentment 6 - Transition, moving on Emotional baggage, unresolved issues 7 - Deception, trickery Coming clean, deception 8 - Imprisionment, entrapment, self-victimization Self-acceptance, freedom 9 - Anxiety, hopelessness, trauma Home, despair, reaching out 10 - Failure, collapse, defeat Can't get worse, inevitable end Page - Curiosity, restlessness Deception, manipulation Knight - Action, impulsiveness No direction, unpredictable Queen - Complexity, clenrmindedness Cold heartedness, cruel, bitterness King - Truth, discipline Manipulation, cruel, weakness

Pentacles

Ace - Opportunity, prosperity Lost opportunity, missed chance 2 - Balancing decisions, adaption Loss of balance, disorganized, overwhelmed 3 - Teamwork, collaboration Disorganized, group conflict 4- Conservation, frugality, security Greediness, possessiveness 5 - Need, poverty, insecurity Recovery, charity, improvement 6 - Charity, generosity, sharing Stinginess, power, domination, strings attached 7 - Hardwork, perseverance, diligence Distractions, no reward 8 - Passion, high standards No passion, uninterested, no motivation 9 - Reckless spending, rewards Living beyond means, obsession with work 10 - Legacy, inheritance, culmination Fleeting success, lack of resources Page - Ambition, desire, diligence Greed, laziness Knight - Efficiency, hard work, responsibility Obsessiveness, work without rewards Queen - Practicality, security Self centeredness, jealousy, smothering King - Abundance, prosperity, generosity Greed, indulgence, excess

Major Arcana [x]

[aiwealthhub]

Every Woman Must Learn These 5 Things! woman should learn — not tomorrow, not later — but right now."

"If you want to raise a strong generation, educate a woman. But before she teaches the world, she must first know her own worth. Today, I’m going to share 5 lessons that every woman MUST learn — not just for success, but for survival."

Every woman is a universe of strength, compassion, and brilliance. Yet many women go through life doubting their worth, underestimating their power, and settling for less than they deserve.

Why? Because society often teaches women how to serve, but not how to lead. How to love others, but not how to love themselves. But that changes today.

Here are 5 powerful truths every woman should learn — not tomorrow, not later — but right now.

Know Your Worth Before Anyone Defines It for You. You are not valuable because someone says you are. You are valuable because you were born with purpose. Never let anyone else write your story. Knowing your worth is not just a motivational slogan — it is the foundation of how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you. When you truly understand your value, you stop looking for external validation. You stop trying to prove yourself to people who were never meant to understand your journey. You stop settling for less, and start walking toward what you truly deserve.

The world has a tendency to label women before they even get a chance to define themselves. From a young age, many girls are taught to be polite, to stay quiet, to sacrifice, and to think of others before themselves. While kindness is a strength, losing your own identity in the process is not. That’s why it’s important for every woman to pause and ask: Who am I, beyond the roles I play? Beyond being a daughter, wife, mother, employee — who am I, and what do I truly want from this life?

Knowing your worth begins with accepting yourself — your strengths, your flaws, your past, and your potential. It’s looking in the mirror and saying, “I am enough.” Not because you are perfect, but because you are real, growing, and capable. Your worth doesn’t depend on your looks, your weight, your relationship status, or how productive you were today. It is something you were born with. Something no one can take away unless you hand it to them.

When you don’t know your worth, you tolerate things that slowly break you. You stay in toxic relationships, accept disrespect, work for less than you deserve, and remain silent when you should speak up. You keep shrinking yourself to fit into places you were never meant to belong. But once you start valuing yourself, everything changes. Your standards rise. Your circle gets smaller, but stronger. You begin choosing peace over pressure, growth over comfort, and purpose over approval.

People may call you difficult when you set boundaries. They may call you arrogant when you stand tall. Let them. Knowing your worth doesn’t mean you think you’re better than others — it means you finally understand you were never less. It means you now make decisions from a place of confidence, not fear.

This world can try to define you, but it will never succeed if you’ve already defined yourself. Walk like you know who you are. Speak like your words matter. Live like you belong — because you do.

Your Voice Is Your Power — Use It Without Apology. Speak up. Share your ideas. Set your boundaries. Your silence will never protect you — but your voice just might change the world.Your voice is more than just sound — it is your identity, your strength, your truth. When you speak, you are not simply forming words; you are revealing who you are, what you believe, and what you will or will not tolerate. Yet for far too long, many women have been told to stay quiet, to avoid conflict, to keep the peace even when their hearts were breaking. They have been taught that being “nice” matters more than being heard. But silence, when it comes from fear, is not peace — it is prison.

Using your voice is not about shouting or proving anyone wrong. It’s about standing in your truth, even if your voice shakes. It’s about expressing your ideas, your needs, your feelings, and your boundaries without apology. Because the moment you start shrinking your voice to make others comfortable, you begin disconnecting from your power. And every time you stay silent when you should speak, you teach yourself that your voice doesn’t matter — when in fact, it might be the very voice someone else needed to hear.

There will be people who find your confidence threatening. There will be moments when you doubt yourself, wondering, “Is it worth it to speak up?” And the answer is yes — always yes. Because staying silent in the face of injustice, disrespect, or dreams that are dying inside you is a slow form of self-betrayal. Your voice is a tool for change, whether in a boardroom, a classroom, your home, or your community. Every time a woman speaks her truth, she not only frees herself, she gives permission to others to do the same.

Don't wait for the perfect moment to speak. Don’t wait for everyone to agree with you or applaud you. Speak because your voice has value. Speak because your ideas are needed. Speak because your silence will never represent you better than your truth can. Even if you are the only woman in the room, your voice still matters. Even if your opinion is unpopular, it is still valid. Even if your past makes you feel small, your voice can make you stand tall again.

There is power in choosing your words, in crafting your message, and in sharing it with courage. You don’t owe anyone an apology for taking up space, for having opinions, for expressing pain, or for chasing dreams. Your voice was not given to you by accident — it was given to you for a purpose. So use it — not with permission, not with guilt, but with pride.

Financial Independence Is Not a Luxury, It’s a Necessity. Learn to earn, save, invest. Depending on others financially can trap you. Freedom begins when you can make your own choices, without fear.Financial independence is not just about money — it’s about freedom, dignity, and the ability to make choices without fear. For too long, many women have been raised to believe that finances are not their responsibility, that someone else will take care of them. But reality doesn’t always work that way. Life is unpredictable. Circumstances change. People change. And in those moments, a woman who is financially independent stands tall, while others may struggle to survive.

Being financially independent means that you can take care of your needs without relying on anyone else. It means you have control over your own life, your own future, and your own decisions. You don’t need to stay in an unhappy marriage because you can’t afford to leave. You don’t need to stay silent at a job where you're undervalued just because you’re afraid of losing the paycheck. When you have your own income, your own savings, your own backup plan — you have power. And that kind of power gives you peace.

Financial independence is not about becoming rich overnight. It starts with learning how money works, earning it through your skills, managing it wisely, and building habits that lead to long-term security. Whether you are working full-time, freelancing, running a small business, or managing your home — you have the right and the ability to create income streams that support your life. It doesn’t matter if you’re young, single, married, a mother, or even retired — it’s never too early or too late to take control of your finances.

Many women sacrifice their dreams, passions, and ambitions just because they feel financially helpless. But imagine the confidence of knowing that you can pay your own bills, support your children, invest in your growth, and give back to others — all with your own earned money. That is not a luxury. That is survival. That is strength.

You deserve to live with choices, not chains. You deserve to build a life where your voice is not silenced by dependency. You deserve to be the woman who can stand on her own feet, not because she must, but because she can. Financial independence doesn’t just change your life — it changes the way you raise your children, the way you influence your community, and the way you see yourself. Every woman deserves that power. And the time to claim it is now.

Self-Respect Is Greater Than Any Relationship. If someone doesn’t respect you, they don’t deserve you. Walk away from anything that dims your light — you were not born to be ignored.

Self-respect is the foundation of a meaningful and fulfilling life. It is the inner voice that reminds you of your value when the world tries to make you forget. It is the quiet strength that allows you to walk away from anything or anyone that no longer serves your peace, your purpose, or your growth. Too often, women are taught to prioritize relationships above everything else — to stay quiet to keep the peace, to forgive even when they’re hurting, to hold on even when they are breaking. But there comes a time when you must realize that no relationship, no matter how deep or old, is worth losing yourself.

A relationship without respect is not love — it is control, convenience, or comfort rooted in fear. When you compromise your self-worth to maintain a connection, you’re not saving the relationship; you’re sacrificing yourself. And while love is a beautiful thing, it is not supposed to cost you your dignity. Real love never asks you to shrink, to beg, or to suffer in silence. If someone truly loves you, they will respect your boundaries, your voice, and your soul.

Respecting yourself means knowing when to say “no,” even if it disappoints someone. It means choosing peace over drama, truth over denial, and healing over holding on. It’s understanding that walking away is not weakness — it is wisdom. It’s knowing that you deserve to be chosen, not just when it’s easy, but especially when it’s hard. You should not have to fight for a place in someone’s life. If they value you, they’ll make space for you. If they don’t, let them go — without hate, but with honor.

There will be times when you’ll feel lonely, misunderstood, or tempted to go back to people who once made you feel seen. But remember this: temporary comfort is not worth permanent self-betrayal. You are not here to be half-loved. You are not here to tolerate pain just because you fear being alone. Your worth is not determined by someone else’s ability to see it. It exists whether they recognize it or not.

True power comes when you stop seeking validation and start demanding respect — not with anger, but with unshakable grace. When you honor yourself, the world begins to mirror that back. You attract better relationships, healthier environments, and deeper happiness. Because the love you accept will never rise above the love you give yourself. And that’s why self-respect isn’t optional — it’s essential. It is greater than any relationship, because without it, no relationship can truly last.

Take Care of Your Mind, Body, and Soul. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Prioritize your health, protect your peace, and feed your soul with positivity. You matter — every single day. Taking care of your mind, body, and soul is not a luxury — it is a responsibility you owe to yourself. In the fast-paced rhythm of life, especially as a woman balancing countless roles, it’s easy to place your own well-being last on the list. But the truth is, you cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot show up for your dreams, your relationships, your goals, or your responsibilities if you are constantly drained, both inside and out. Self-care is not selfish — it is survival. And it begins with listening to the needs of your entire being.

Your mind is the control center of your life. What you think becomes what you feel, and what you feel shapes your actions. That’s why mental peace should never be ignored. Whether it’s taking time to reflect, journaling your thoughts, setting boundaries to protect your peace, or simply resting without guilt — your mind deserves rest and nourishment. Negative thoughts, stress, comparison, and self-doubt can poison your potential if left unchecked. Feed your mind with positivity, learning, and moments of silence. Give yourself permission to say, “I need a break,” without explaining it to anyone.

Your body is your vehicle in this world. It carries you through every challenge and every joy. Treat it with care. Eat foods that fuel you, not just fill you. Move your body — not for beauty standards, but for strength, for energy, for healing. Sleep enough, hydrate often, and avoid pushing yourself past the edge of exhaustion in the name of hustle. You deserve rest. You deserve wellness. Your body doesn’t have to look perfect to be worthy of care — it just has to be respected for all that it does for you every single day.

And then there’s your soul — the part of you that craves depth, meaning, and connection. In a world focused on doing, don’t forget to simply be. Spend time in nature. Read something that stirs your heart. Pray, meditate, or just sit in stillness and breathe. Listen to music that lifts you. Talk to people who make you feel seen. Let go of guilt, shame, and burdens you were never meant to carry. Feed your soul the way you’d feed a starving child — with love, intention, and tenderness.

When your mind is clear, your body is strong, and your soul is at peace, you become unstoppable. You begin to live, not just survive. You begin to radiate a kind of power and presence that no makeup, no status, no achievement can match. That’s the strength of a woman who takes care of herself — fully, fiercely, and without apology. "The world doesn't need more perfect women. It needs more women who are powerful, fearless, and unapologetically themselves. Be that woman. Learn these lessons. Live them. And then, teach them to the next generation."

Every Woman Must Learn These 5 Things — Starting Now! 💪👑 | Life-Changing Wisdom

These 5 powerful lessons are things every woman should know — and apply — right now. 💡 From self-worth to boundaries, from independence to inner peace, these truths can transform your mindset, your confidence, and your life. Empower yourself. Respect yourself. Love yourself. 🌟

💬 Share this with a sister, daughter, or friend — because every woman deserves to hear this.

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[scarsandpurpose]

Journal Writing ❤️ Part 1

Life is a balance of light and darkness, joy and sorrow, growth and struggle. It is within this contrast that we find meaning, for without the depths of the night, we would never truly appreciate the brilliance of the morning sun. Without loss, we would never understand the fullness of love. Without pain, healing would not hold the same power. Every moment of darkness has the potential to be illuminated, and every hardship carries within it the seed of transformation. But the beauty of life is that we have a choice. We can choose to focus on the light. We can train our hearts and minds to seek hope even in the midst of hardship, to recognize love in the smallest of moments, to nurture peace in the chaos. And when we do, that light grows. It spills into the hidden spaces within us, into the wounds we once thought would never heal. The more we choose light, the less room there is for darkness to linger, because love and fear cannot coexist where faith and awareness reside. Yet, choosing light does not mean ignoring the darkness, it means understanding it, learning from it, and using it as a stepping stone toward something greater. The pain we endure does not define us; rather, it refines us. Every wound carries wisdom, every scar tells a story of survival, and every hardship teaches us resilience. Life will always bring its share of trials, but within each one, there is an opportunity to grow, to rise, to discover a strength we never knew we had. And at the heart of it all, there is love. Not just the love we receive, but the love we give. Love is not just a feeling; it is the undercurrent of all things. It exists in ways we often overlook, in places we don’t always think to search. I hope you learn to see it, not just in grand gestures, but in the quiet, everyday miracles of life. I hope you find love woven into the golden hues of the sunrise and the hush of a gentle breeze. I hope you discover it in the melodies of your favorite song, in the laughter of a loved one, and in the comfort of a warm embrace. I hope love finds you in the places you once thought were empty, in the kindness of a stranger, in the growth that comes after pain. I hope you learn to love yourself just as fiercely as you love others. I hope you extend grace to the parts of yourself that are still healing, that you soften toward the past versions of you who did not yet know what you know now. You are worthy of love in every season of your journey, through your highs and lows, through your victories and mistakes. I hope you learn to appreciate the person you are becoming, to celebrate your growth even when it feels slow, to recognize that even on the hardest days, you are still moving forward. Because love is more than just a person, it is everything. It is in the way we forgive, the way we show up for one another, the way we choose to see beauty even when life feels overwhelming. Love is in the way we pick ourselves up after falling, in the moments of quiet courage when we choose to keep going despite uncertainty. It is the force that connects us, the thread that ties souls together, the foundation upon which we build our lives. Love is not something to chase; it is something to embrace, something to recognize, something to give freely. And the more love you pour into the world, the more it will return to you. So love, not just when it’s easy, but when it’s hard. Not just when it’s comfortable, but when it stretches you. Not just when you receive it, but when you have the chance to give it. Because love is not just a fleeting emotion, it is the most powerful thing we have. And when we choose to live in love, we choose to live fully, bravely, and without regret. Life is a journey, an ever-changing path filled with twists and turns, with mountains and valleys, with moments of pure joy and seasons of deep sorrow. But through it all, love remains. It is the light that never fades, the hope that never dies, the force that keeps us moving forward.

-DC

[how2fit]

Chances are there are things you desire, but you just don’t have yet. It’s human nature to desire all sorts of things. However, many people live an entire lifetime without getting the things that matter the most to them. They want change, but the truth is that change isn’t always easy. In fact, the majority of people who set goals, such as weight loss or quitting smoking, do not reach their goals. Most New Year’s resolutions are not carried through more than one or two months. Many people who find themselves in bad relationship after bad relationship never take the time to dig deep and commit to the tough stuff in between relationships – like healing. Just what is it that keeps us from changing? How can we want something “so badly”, yet year after year we don’t attain it? There are many reasons depending on various factors. Change IS hard, but it’s not impossible. Today, I want to share three things with you concerning change and how you can plow past any obstacles that have been holding you back.     3 Things to Help You Commit to Change & Doing the Tough Stuff 1. Commit to Doing the Tough Stuff I’m sure you know plenty of people who don’t like to work. The reality is that work can be tough, especially hard labor. However, some changes in life require work. It might be mental work, emotional work, or physical work – any way you swing it, it requires some energy. There’s a popular theme out there that says, “If you can believe it, you can receive it.” While I agree that belief is important, sometimes our desires don’t just fall from the sky because we believe it. Sometimes we’ve got to “do the work” in order to get results.  In other words, belief without some sort of action will more than likely leave you short of accomplishing your goals. So, what distinguishes those who make lasting transformational changes from those who don’t? The one who successfully gets over their fear of rejection over the one who lives as a recluse year after year out of fear? The angry person over the one who has taken anger and transformed it into compassion? Of course, there are many factors that separate them, but a solid commitment to “doing the work” is a big reason why some lack when it comes to change. MANTRA OPPORTUNITY: "I make a solid commitment to do the work, no matter how hard it looks or how long it takes!"   2. Learn About Human Behavior We are humans traveling along life’s journey, but so many do not take the time to learn about human behavior. They walk around half-conscious, programmed by what they learned as children or imprisoned by early childhood wounds. What drives us as human beings? Two primary things motivate people: Avoiding pain Feeling pleasure We want to feel good, right? We desire peace and joy, and we do our best to avoid pain. I mean, isn’t that why we do pretty much all of the things we do? This has been my observation. We are bumping along in life and we start to feel pain. It doesn’t feel good. So, we say, “Hey, I don’t want to feel this pain anymore so I’m going to do this, this, and that.” But what happens to MANY humans (human behavior), is that at some point, they STOP. They give up eating healthy and working out (the pain of extra weight). They stop going to therapy (emotional pain). They stop personal growth investment (the pain of not feeling good enough) They lose motivation. They lose drive, get frustrated, and eventually give up. As a result, they don’t experience LASTING CHANGE. I’m sure many of us can relate.   3. Turn Your “Shoulds” Into “Musts” Listen, change is about motivation. Motivational speaker and teacher Tony Robbins says it’s about turning those shoulds into musts. If you maybe, kinda, sort-of need to change, you probably won’t. But if you HAVE TO or MUST change, you’re much more likely to see it happen. You’re then fully committed and regardless of what comes your way, you’re changing. Now, as we go about this life journey trying to sidestep pain and make lasting changes, we must also couple that with the pleasure principle.

We want to feel happy. You see, pain motivates us, but it’s kind of a temporary motivation. We need something more to create LASTING change. Something like happiness or pleasure. You’ve been doing this since you were a child. When you were little, you picked up some strategies for life. They weren’t always the best. So, in order to create lasting change, it’s important to cultivate a new set of patterns to get out of pain and feel some pleasure. What pain are you feeling? Target that and use it as a motivator for change. But don’t just stop there. Cultivate a connection between pleasure and the new set of strategies so that the change can be lasting. This means you’re leveraging what motivates you to commit to making lasting change. For example, if you’re sick and tired of being broke, you feel that pain. So, use that pain as a motivator for change and get yourself a new set of strategies so you CAN make the changes necessary to experience a different outcome. So, you can have LASTING changes. You don’t have to be brilliant to change, but you do have to be motivated.     What is Your Motive For Change? If you really want to change, or if you want to help someone else change, you’ve got to help them understand. The pain they are feeling may be because they're not doing the work they need to be doing in order to feel some sort of pleasure or joy. What is your motive for change? When it comes to your pain, ask yourself: What am I getting from this pain? What is it costing me? Is it hurting those that I love? How has this hurt me in the past? Then, see how your pain (or actions) are not in sync with what you want.  For example, if you’re drinking too much, ask yourself how this affects your family. Ask yourself if an exceptional leader would get up with hangovers and head into work to lead people? Associate your behavior or pain with contrast. Now, what would bring you pleasure? If you made some changes, would you feel happier? Will it help your loved ones? Will your life be richer? The reality is that change can be tough, and it takes time. However, if you will commit to doing the work (the tough stuff), and be persistent (grit), you will make progress. If you need help, ask around. There are plenty of people that are willing to help. Finally, remember that we’re after progress; not perfection. As a human, we tend to like progress, but don’t expect perfection or you’ll set yourself up for more pain.     Commit to Change: Further Reading If you want to learn more about this topic, here are some great resources to check out. Expanding your comfort zone - How to Be Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable: 43 Weird & Wonderful Ways to Build a Strong, Resilient Mindset "After debilitating anxiety and panic attacks began to impact his daily life, Ben Aldridge decided to tackle his mental health issues in a creative way. His journey led him on a year of completing weird and wonderful challenges in the name of self-improvement. By deliberately leaving his comfort zone and enduring difficulties, Ben completely changed his life" Become truly "tough" - Tough Times Never Last, But Tough People Do! "Dr. Schuller shows you how to build a positive self-image, no matter what your problem. Whether it's unemployment, poor health, loneliness, fear or anything else that blocks your success, you can turn your negative into a positive. No matter how tough times get, you have the potential to achieve the best of life. " Editor's note: This article was originally published Mar 25, 2021 and has been updated to improve reader experience. Photo by GRAY on Unsplash

[spiritualsoul1969]

Harmony in Chaos: Ancient Lessons for a Modern Soul

Life often feels like a swirling storm—constant change, emotional highs and lows, and the chaos of modern living. But hidden within this turbulence lies an ancient truth: chaos is not the enemy; it’s the gateway to harmony. Vasistha’s teachings from the Rig Veda illuminate how to find balance amidst disorder, transforming external chaos into a source of inner peace and growth.

In the Rig Veda, Vasistha emphasizes that harmony is not the absence of conflict but the ability to stay grounded in the ever-changing dance of existence. He teaches that life, much like the cosmos, thrives on contrast—light and dark, creation and destruction, movement and stillness. The secret is not to resist chaos but to embrace and flow with it, recognizing it as a natural state of evolution.

The Dance of Order and Chaos

In Vasistha’s view, the cosmos itself was born from chaos—an unformed void that gave rise to everything we see. This primal energy is present in our lives, too, manifesting as uncertainties, challenges, and disruptions. While chaos seems intimidating, it carries the seeds of transformation and growth. Each difficult moment is an opportunity to realign, shed what no longer serves us, and embrace our higher self.

Chaos is the womb of creation. Whether it’s a career crisis, emotional turmoil, or even global uncertainty, Vasistha would remind us that beneath the apparent disorder is a pattern waiting to emerge—if only we have the eyes to see it.

Inner Harmony: The Real Battle

True harmony begins within. According to Vasistha, the chaos we experience externally is often a reflection of the discord in our inner world. Our thoughts, emotions, and desires often pull us in different directions, creating internal turbulence. When left unchecked, this inner chaos spills into our outer life.

The solution? Not suppression, but integration. When we stop resisting and start observing the chaos within, we can see it as an orchestra of contrasting elements that, when acknowledged, create a deeper harmony. By accepting all aspects of ourselves—the light and the shadow—we reclaim our wholeness.

Practical Toolkit for Finding Harmony in Chaos

Here’s how you can apply Vasistha’s wisdom to your daily life and create harmony from within:

Morning Chaos Meditation

Spend 10 minutes observing your thoughts without judgment. Imagine each thought as a ripple in a chaotic river. Let it flow without trying to stop or control it.

This practice will help you detach from mental noise and find calm in the storm.

Breathwork for Balance

Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. This resets your nervous system and brings immediate clarity.

Journaling the Contrasts

Each night, write down one chaotic moment from your day and the lesson or hidden harmony you discovered within it. This rewires your mind to see patterns and meaning even in disorder.

Align with Nature’s Rhythm

Spend time observing natural elements—how the wind blows, rivers flow, and trees sway. Nature is full of chaos, yet it thrives. Let it remind you that chaos can be a force for growth and beauty.

Mantra for Harmony

Use this Rig Veda-inspired mantra daily: “Om Ritambhara Prajna” (Consciousness aligned with universal truth). It helps ground you in the larger order of the cosmos.

The Shift in Perspective

Once you learn to embrace chaos, you’ll no longer fear it. What once felt overwhelming becomes an invitation to evolve, a chance to step into your higher self. Like the stars that form constellations out of seemingly random dots in the sky, your life’s chaotic events are part of a larger picture. Vasistha’s lesson is simple yet profound: Chaos is not here to break you; it’s here to make you whole.

Conclusion

The next time life feels like it’s spinning out of control, remember Vasistha’s wisdom. Harmony isn’t found in avoiding chaos; it’s found in dancing with it. Let your soul be the conductor, turning discord into symphony, and your life will become a masterpiece—a perfect blend of chaos and order.

[unpluggedfinancial]

The Peaceful Transition: Bitcoin and the Future of Money

A peaceful transition to a new financial system is underway. The world we live in today is at a critical juncture. I see a failed monetary system—one that has been stretched to its limits, burdened by inflation, debt, and instability. Many fear the consequences of such a collapse, and rightfully so. Historically, the fall of a major financial system has always had catastrophic effects, often leaving devastation in its wake.

But this time, it's different. We are uniquely positioned at this moment in history, because as one flawed system is crumbling, there is already a new system poised to take its place. This new system, driven by technology, decentralization, and the promise of financial sovereignty, is ready and waiting—people just haven't fully realized it yet.

Bitcoin represents more than just an alternative asset; it represents hope for a different kind of financial future. A system that doesn't rely on endless money printing or opaque institutions making decisions behind closed doors. Instead, it's transparent, open, and gives people true ownership of their wealth. For the first time, we have a parallel system emerging, one that offers a lifeboat to anyone willing to take it.

The old system is faltering, but this time we have an opportunity to transition with a peaceful transition and minimal chaos. For once, we have the chance to facilitate a peaceful transition, avoiding the widespread turmoil that has historically accompanied the collapse of major financial systems. It's not a question of if the current system will fail—it's a question of when. And when it does, Bitcoin is already here, ready to take its place as a foundation for a more equitable and resilient economy.

This potential for a peaceful transition is what makes this moment in history so extraordinary. Instead of being at the mercy of central authorities trying to salvage a broken system through increasingly desperate measures, individuals can choose to step into a new paradigm—one based on fairness, transparency, and self-sovereignty. People have the power to opt-out of the old ways, to take control of their own financial futures, and to ensure that they are not swept away by the coming economic turbulence.

Imagine a future where the average person is no longer beholden to inflation that eats away at their savings, or to banks that charge exorbitant fees and dictate how they can access their money. In this new system, people have the power to store their wealth in an asset that is deflationary by nature, one that isn't subject to the whims of politicians or central bankers. Bitcoin's limited supply ensures that it will not suffer from the same fate as fiat currencies, which can be printed into oblivion.

Furthermore, Bitcoin's decentralized nature means that no single entity has control over it. This stands in stark contrast to the centralized power structures of the past, which have often been prone to corruption and manipulation. With Bitcoin, trust is placed in mathematics and code, rather than in institutions that have repeatedly failed to act in the best interest of the people. This shift in trust—from centralized institutions to decentralized networks—is a revolutionary change that has the potential to reshape the entire global financial landscape.

The peaceful transition to this new system is not without its challenges. There will undoubtedly be resistance from those who benefit from the current system and fear losing their power. Governments, banks, and other financial institutions may attempt to stifle the growth of Bitcoin and other decentralized technologies, using regulation and propaganda to maintain control. However, the power of Bitcoin lies in its resilience. It cannot be easily shut down or controlled, and its decentralized nature makes it inherently resistant to censorship.

The key to this peaceful transition is education. The more people understand Bitcoin, the more they will see its potential as a viable alternative to the existing system. This is why it is crucial for those who have already discovered Bitcoin to spread the word, to help others see the opportunity that lies before us. The more people who opt-in to this new system, the smoother the transition will be, and the more resilient our society will become in the face of economic instability.

Now is the time for people to open their eyes, to educate themselves, and to prepare for this shift. Those who recognize the potential of this new monetary system won't just survive the collapse of the old one—they'll thrive in the new world that's emerging. We have a unique opportunity to build a financial future that is fair, transparent, and open to all. It's up to us to seize that opportunity, to be the architects of a better world, and to ensure that the peaceful transition to this new system is as smooth and effective as possible.

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[kurokiwi]

Sure, here are 100 original quotes in English without numbering:

- "Dreams are the whispers of your soul; listen closely."

- "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquest of it."

- "Happiness blooms where you plant kindness."

- "Every day is a blank page; write a masterpiece."

- "Let your passion be the pen, and your life the story."

- "Hope is the light that guides us through the darkest nights."

- "Success is the staircase built by perseverance."

- "Wisdom begins where judgment ends."

- "In the garden of life, gratitude is the sun."

- "The future belongs to those who create it today."

- "Life's most profound lessons are found in the simplest moments."

- "True strength is the gentleness that guides hard decisions."

- "The heart holds the greatest compass for life's journey."

- "Begin each day with a grateful heart and endless possibilities."

- "Adversity is the forge of character."

- "Smile, for it is the key that fits the lock of every heart."

- "Your potential is unlimited; let your actions make it so."

- "Love is the only language understood by every soul."

- "Change is the brush that paints the canvas of tomorrow."

- "A mind once enlightened will never dim."

- "Find beauty in the journey, not just the destination."

- "Patience is the silent expression of strength."

- "The stars shine brightest in the darkest skies."

- "Listen to your heart; it knows the way."

- "An open mind unlocks endless doors."

- "Joy is the harvest of a life well-lived."

- "Imagination is the spark that ignites creation."

- "Kindness is the seed that grows in every season."

- "The greatest wealth is measured in moments, not money."

- "Words have the power to build or destroy; choose wisely."

- "Let go of what was and embrace what is to come."

- "Peace begins where expectations end."

- "Be the light that brightens the darkest of days."

- "Simplicity is the ultimate form of sophistication."

- "Empathy bridges worlds closer together."

- "Curiosity is the fuel that drives discovery."

- "Contentment is found in appreciating what you already have."

- "Silence often speaks louder than words."

- "Adventure awaits those who seek it beyond their doorstep."

- "Resilience is the silent song of the strong."

- "The art of living is learning to let go."

- "In the tapestry of life, every thread matters."

- "Cherish the memories but live for today."

- "Passion is the heartbeat of inspiration."

- "Nature whispers secrets to those who listen."

- "Boundless is the mind that knows no limits."

- "Answers lie within, awaiting gentle questions."

- "Belief in oneself is the foundation of growth."

- "Life's beauty is painted with the hues of uniqueness."

- "Gratitude sweetens the bitterest days."

- "Strength is born from challenges overcome."

- "Tomorrow is only limited by the imagination of today."

- "In the stillness, the soul finds its voice."

- "From small seeds, mighty trees grow."

- "Intention shapes reality more than chance."

- "With every ending, there is a new beginning."

- "Truth stands the test of time and doubt."

- "Turn obstacles into stepping stones towards greatness."

- "Trust the process even when the path is unknown."

- "Life's melody is composed with moments of silence."

- "Dream boldly, act bravely, live fully."

- "Hope is a flame that can never be extinguished."

- "The soul's true language is felt, not spoken."

- "Asking the right question can change your life."

- "In every shadow, there is a hint of light."

- "Wisdom grows where ego diminishes."

- "Be the captain of your own ship, chart your own course."

- "Love is an endless echo in the chambers of the heart."

- "A creative mind never goes hungry."

- "Humility is the soil in which greatness takes root."

- "Fear fades when faith rises."

- "To be understood, first understand."

- "Your story is unique; share it with the world."

- "Stillness reveals life's hidden treasures."

- "In vulnerability, true courage is found."

- "Live in such a way that if someone spoke badly of you, no one would believe it."

- "Forgiveness is the bridge to inner peace."

- "The landscape of life is enriched by diversity."

- "Purpose fuels persistence through hardship."

- "Healing begins where acceptance finds a home."

- "Life is a dance; you learn the steps as you go."

- "Optimism opens doors to new possibilities."

- "Laughter is the shortest distance between two hearts."

- "Be the change that breaks chains of negativity."

- "Trust is the foundation of every strong relationship."

- "Sow seeds of kindness, and reap a harvest of joy."

- "Make today so awesome that yesterday gets jealous."

- "Time spent with loved ones is life's greatest currency."

- "Respect others' paths, even if you don't understand them."

- "In giving, we receive more than we offer."

- "The magic of life is shaped by the mystery of the unknown."

- "To listen is to love in its purest form."

- "Let go of regrets; they are anchors, not lanterns."

- "The present is the only moment that truly exists."

- "Happiness is a journey crafted by conscious choices."

- "Create a life that feels good on the inside, not just one that looks good on the outside."

Feel free to use these quotes as you like!

[nickgossett]

Happy 16th Birthday Keaton!!!

Dear Keaton,

Here we are—you're 16! Time has flown by since the day you were born, and I still remember the overwhelming joy of holding you in my arms. As you embark on this new chapter, I want to share some lessons inspired by Stoic philosophy and personal reflections that can serve as a compass for navigating life.

I haven't always lived up to everything on this list, but I strive to do my best. You'll make mistakes, but my love for you is unconditional.

Here's a start for your journey to Astro-Physics. I know you'll do great!

1. Embrace Perspective

We can't control external events, but we can control our reactions. Life will challenge you, often in ways you can't foresee. Remember, "It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." See adversity as an opportunity for growth. Each obstacle is a chance to build resilience, patience, and strength.

2. Focus on What You Can Control

You can't control others' opinions or unexpected changes, but you can control your thoughts, actions, and attitudes. "You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." Channel your energy into what you can influence, and you'll find peace and empowerment.

3. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude helps us appreciate what we have. "True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future." Reflect on the good in your life—health, family, friends, achievements. Gratitude brings contentment and fosters a positive outlook.

4. Cultivate Inner Virtue

True happiness comes from living a life of virtue—honesty, justice, courage, compassion. In every situation, strive to act with integrity. Your character is your most valuable asset. Nurture it, and it will guide you through tough times.

5. Accept Impermanence

Life is ever-changing. Accepting impermanence helps us cherish the present moment and reduces fear of loss. "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man." Embrace change and let it remind you of the preciousness of each moment.

6. The Value of Self-Reflection

Regular self-reflection helps you align with your values. "What am I doing and can I do it better?" Reflect on your day, decisions, and interactions. This habit will help you grow in wisdom and virtue.

7. Family

Family is your foundation. Don’t take them for granted. Tell them you love them every day. The strength and support of your family will be invaluable as you navigate life’s journey.

8. Be the Best You Can Be

Whatever you choose to do, be proud of it and do your best, even when no one is watching. Develop grit—passion and perseverance. Sincerity and commitment will always guide you toward success.

9. Lead with Love

Reach out to others with love and generosity. Don’t wait for others to be loving or giving—lead the way. Love is the foundation of meaningful relationships and a fulfilling life.

10. Stand Against Bullies

Defend those who can’t defend themselves. Don’t make fun of people who are different. Never try to feel better by picking on someone else.

11. Learn to Listen

Listening isn’t just waiting to talk. Truly listen and you’ll be surprised at what you learn. Courage isn’t just speaking up; it’s also sitting down and listening. We have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.

12. Cherish Friendship

Be a good friend. Take genuine interest in others. Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. Your friendships will shape your life in profound ways.

13. Manners and Words Count

Say yes ma’am, yes sir, please, and thank you. "Thank you," "Sorry," and "I love you" are powerful words. Mean them when you say them. Your words can build relationships and create trust.

14. Be a Leader

Lead by example. Don’t ask others to do something you wouldn’t do yourself. Authentic leadership is about serving others and making a positive impact.

15. Find Your Spirituality

Find your relationship with God that matters to you and make the time for it. Make time for prayer and reflection not just when we sit, stand, and kneel on Sundays. Spirituality can provide strength, guidance, and a sense of purpose.

16. Use Money Wisely

Money is necessary, but don’t become a slave to it. Save and be generous with your talents. Use money as a tool to enhance life, not as an end in itself.

17. Learn from Winning and Losing

Winning is important, but losing teaches valuable lessons. If you fall down, get up. Adversity reveals character.

18. Balance Kindness with Assertiveness

Treat others well, but don’t let people walk on you. Balance kindness with assertiveness to avoid being a pushover.

19. Remember This Too Shall Pass

Every difficult time will eventually pass. Embrace change and flow with it. Seek the doorway that always springs open when another closes.

20. Stand Up for Yourself

Stand up for what you believe in, even if it’s unpopular. Don’t follow the crowd. Be an educator of your beliefs. That’s what real leaders do.

21. Prioritize Attitude and Effort

Approach life with positivity and hard work. Don’t shy away from failure—it’s an invaluable teacher. A life free from stress and struggle won’t allow you to reach your full potential.

22. Tell the Truth

Take responsibility for your actions and don’t blame others. Admit when you’re wrong. That’s strength, not weakness. Honesty builds trust and respect.

Always remember that the world is a better place with you in it. Watching you grow and achieve fills my heart with immense joy. Happy 16th birthday, my dear son. May your journey be filled with love, wisdom, and boundless opportunities.

With all my love,

Dad

[greensaplinggrace]

What I Would Change About the Ruin and Rising Ending

So this is separate from what I actually think would have been best for the story, in that Aleksander is the third amplifier and Alina is a tracker. Baghra never has her ridiculous plot twist info dump and Alina is actually allowed more agency and the ability to take initiative and the Darkling is actually written consistently from the start.

Here’s what I think should have happened in the ending if all the events leading up to it were the exact same: 

Alina kills Mal and with the power of the three amplifiers kills the Darkling. As punishment for using all three amplifiers, she and the Darkling both lose the power of Merzost. This power is then used to fulfill Morozova’s aching loneliness, creating hundreds of shadow and sun summoners all across the world. The Darkling comes back to life through the loss of Merzost, and Mal comes back to life through the loss of his tracking abilities and status as an amplifier.

This ending feels not only more consistent with the themes LB tries to convey throughout the books, but it also aligns more with character arcs, established lore, and the parts of the plot that actually made sense.

The Darkling was punished for using Merzost by the Fold’s creation, which was a place where his powers were rendered useless (although the fact that he still has much power over the fold feels contradictory to this fact). He still retained the ability to use it, however, the result of only using some of the Merzost’s power. Alina was punished much more severely for not only using Merzost but also taking all three amplifiers. Therefore she is stripped of that power entirely. The Darkling, who she killed with the power and who has also lusted for power, is stripped of it as well. 

Not only that, but the presence of hundreds of people like them now ensures they do not have more power than everybody else. It strips Alina and the Darkling of power without robbing them of a very important piece of their identity that should be impossible to take. By making it so that they now have hundreds of equals, that they have people to match them, challenge them, stop them. That they can no longer take more power, that they can no longer use their powers over those less powerful than them, that their greed does not destroy those around them. It makes them essentially powerless (consistent with the theme of punishment in regards to the Merzost), without removing their status as members of a persecuted and oppressed minority. 

This remains consistent with Alina’s character arc as well. Her growth as a character, coming into her abilities and learning to accept every part of herself, instead of denying an essential piece of her identity because she’s trapped by the past and her prejudices and her fear of moving forward - because she’s also trapped by her low self esteem and her loneliness and her fear. By allowing her to remain as a Grisha, her developmental arc - of learning self esteem and self acceptance, of learning to love every part of herself and to not deny those parts of herself for others or because of her worries, of finding a community, growing into a woman outside of one person, learning to connect with others and love others and love herself and love her powers - isn’t regressed in any way. It isn’t negated. 

There still remains a punishment for the Merzost and for her hunger for power. There still remains a way to acknowledge the thematic ties between loneliness and Grisha - especially Morozova’s loneliness and therefore Aleksander’s. There still remains the culmination of three books worth of seeking out amplifiers - a satisfying result of all her effort and her traumas; the powers she sought out to defeat the Darkling actually used to defeat him. There still remains the acknowledgement of Alina’s growth and change. She isn’t robbed of a valuable piece of her identity and her path of self fulfillment and self acceptance. 

I won’t get into this much now, but I also think Alina’s reluctance to accept herself as Grisha, hurting herself to remain untested and weakening herself by denying that crucial part of her, is the result of centuries of the oppression and persecution of the Grisha as a people. It isn’t just her own fears, but also the way the world has forced Grisha to integrate into society. How the Grisha’s oppressors have treated them, not allowed them to truly develop or grow or gain power. The way they’re viewed by society and the prejudices against them as a whole that stifles their ability to truly connect or form a healthy community.

That part of Alina’s culture and birthright was denied her by her oppressors. She lived amongst these people for years and grew up with their customs, and when she finally discovered the part of herself that made her Grisha, she was introduced to her people. Her community that the world, through endless hunting of the Grisha and stripping them of agency, using them and othering them and ostracizing them from society, refused the ability to truly connect. She was allowed to finally realize herself and who she was born to be.

Her stay at the Little Palace was distressing in a lot of ways, but I’m not talking about just the Little Palace, I’m talking about her journey throughout the books as a whole, as she learns about the people and community she belongs to. As she grows to love it and accept it and take pride in it. Her culture and her people - the Grisha. 

So when people say Alina losing her powers is good because she doesn’t want to be a part of the Grisha (even though she grows to love being Grisha, not wanting to was only in the beginning), and that she’s happier as an otkazat’sya because she grew up with them (the people who have oppressed her kind and smothered her powers), and that Grisha culture isn’t hers, I want to scream. The reason it wasn’t hers was because she was held back from it. Because Grisha oppression has become systematic and ingrained within society. Because prejudice against the Grisha runs deep. 

To say that it's good that she’s stripped of what makes her Grisha because she was raised otkazat’sya? When if the Grisha were free she never would have been in the first place? To refuse to acknowledge the harm done to her people and therefore her, in creating a world so against Grisha that she was never given the chance to be raised in her own community? Amongst her own people? Who would understand her and would never have let her get sick by refusing to use her powers and who would have helped her because they know what it’s like to be Grisha - because they are Grisha.

That’s fucking bullshit.

Alina doesn’t hate her powers. Her powers don’t cause her pain. It’s others and the world that hurts her because of them. And this is an important distinction. Alina losing her powers isn’t a healthy message. That others hurting you for how you were born means that the only way to remain safe is to strip away the part that makes you different. That Alina returning to the people she was forced to assimilate with and that raised her to deny a massive part of her identity is a healthy thing-

That’s not a message that should ever be given. Which is why Alina should have kept her powers as the sun summoner, even if she loses the amplifiers.

And the burden of being the only sun summoner is lessened with the spread of her powers as well. People claim that Alina losing her powers was good for her because the world burdened her too much because of them, but that’s an issue easily solved by the splitting of her powers. She now isn’t the only one with a weight to carry because of the way she was born, and in fact she no longer has to carry it at all. 

Additionally, Morozova’s amplifiers and the Merzost itself, which he created, being used to fulfill the loneliness he felt in the world and that all Grisha feel - that Aleksander especially suffered under (and which he suffered under in part due to Morozova), is a much more poetic and thematically consistent way to maintain equilibrium and fill the void of loneliness in the world than robbing Alina of her powers to do so. Which is just pointless and random and doesn’t align reasonably with any of the narrative elements. Morozova himself doing so through his amplifiers and the Merzost makes it a state of healing and even redemption. It ties his story and his character together with the plot and established themes.

It also keeps with the theme of balance. In that the Merzost is now gone and the amplifiers are now gone - abilities deemed to be unnatural and against the balance - and instead both of their powers are spread across the land. Not just Alina’s. Which was an unbalance and not in keeping with the themes established throughout the books. With both powers not only split but also split amongst many, real balance returns to the world.

I also think that both Mal and the Darkling coming back makes the ending more in line with the plot and all of the character’s arcs, and also more intriguing as a whole. Alina now has the opportunity to navigate her relationship with the both of them on new, uncertain ground.

I think this would be a unique start to a Darklina relationship in particular, as the Darkling now has many equals that are not Alina. So what would make him stay? A fun premise to explore in regards to both characters and their motivations.

On the other hand, Malina has to continue to grow with Alina still living as a Grisha sun-summoner, but now the pressure isn’t all on her. She’s free of the burden she was forced into, but not free of the powers which she came to love. She also hasn’t been stripped of her identity within a group of persecuted and marginalized people that she came to connect with.

Alina and Mal could very well live out their lives in peace. Or they could take a different path, with so many new avenues open before them. This could provide the opportunity for an even more complex future if the Darkling still remains involved with Alina (with them) even peripherally. Like if they still had dealings with him in some way, even if there isn’t anything romantic going on between him and Alina.

All in all, I just think it would be a better ending for all three of them in a variety of ways, and it also creates so many opportunities for different paths to be taken. It’s more consistent with the themes LB attempted to convey, the plot and character arcs as a whole, and the established lore.

[extravalgant]

the seven main schools (+ astral & shadow) as flowers

NOTE: i did not dive too deep into researching for this and most of the information i got for this post i got from this site . please dont come after me if i get a meaning wrong IM TRYING MY BEST!!! moving on

this is going to be a LONG POST so sit tight

myth - clematis (also known as traveller’s joy, old man’s beard)

i chose clematis mainly for its meaning: representing artifice, ingenuity and mental beauty. i think part of being a conjurer means that the world is only as big as you make it, and part of it is utilizing your imagination to its fullest extent. mental beauty and ingenuity go hand in hand with being creative, but artifice, in this flower symbolism, means to be cunning or be deceitful. i also think this comes from cyrus drake also being your teacher, which means he would teach in a style that would want you to exploit the weaknesses of the creatures that you summon (that being, calling their true name) in order for them to do your bidding. 

“Myth dwells between Fire and Ice, for that is where the shadows lie, and Myths are the shadowy forms of thought made real.”

storm - gladiolus (also known as a sword lily)

urgh.... storm was such a hard school to choose a flower for @_@ according to the wizard101 site storm is also based on creativity, but since we already had that sort of meaning attached to myth, i decided to go with the next best thing which is that gladiolus represents strength, strong character, honor and moral integrity. i feel like it’s pretty well known fact that storm is a hitting school, and a pretty well known one at that - their reputation as a power school is pervasive through all wizarding circles. i feel like this is also where a diviner’s sense of pride comes from - being able to one-hit ko enemies and brandish your power proudly. 

amazingly enough, the wizard101 site also addresses this, saying that, “the Storm School will train its student wizards to do a lot of damage. Storm Wizards have the ability to unleash high amounts of damage from an early level, which is good, but they place too much emphasis on power, and therefore suffer in terms of accuracy.”

placing too much emphasis on power... very interesting indeed

death - papaver (poppy)

death was ALSO a super hard school to pick a flower for. i debated between the dracula, the poppy, and the spider lily before deciding to settle with the poppy. I chose poppies in particular because “Poppies have long been used as a symbol of sleep, peace, and death: Sleep because the opium extracted from them is a sedative, and death because of the common blood-red color of the red poppy in particular.” source 

I FEEL AS IF THE SPIDER LILY WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO EASY OF A CHOICE but i wanted to encompass all the meanings that death has and has been associated with. some people associate death with peace (at being in a “”better place””), and some people sometimes to describe it as “sleeping” to a younger audience with no death awareness. also heres a nice little excerpt from the w101 site: “Death is about ending and closure. All things pass eventually, and time cannot be held back forever. Wizards devoted to Death Magic, known as Necromancers, understand this fact about everything around them and strive to face it without fear.”

ice - magnolia 

as soon as i saw this flower and its description it was PERFECT for ice. magnolias represent longevity and perseverance, due to the fact that magnolias are believed to have existed even at the beginning of time. the ice schools main theme is about persistance - which is to say, that if you’re patient and determined, you will collect the fruits of your labor in the end. 

the school page even says this, noting that “The Ice School will train its student wizards to take high amounts of damage and survive.” To thaumaturges, it is simply about surviving to see the end of the battle, and that’s what their play style involves. both magnolias and thaumaturges have that in common : persist and survive.

fire - ixora (also known as jungle flame, flame of the woods)

it was also hard choosing a plant for fire, seeing as so many plants can be described as “passionate” in a symbolic sense. it was between this and orange tulips, but i felt that both the names “jungle flame” and “flame of the woods” both fit fire’s theme. that being said, ixora’s represent passion - the core of fire’s development and description. it is the “bright, burning flame of raw emotion sweeping over everything.” (w101)

fire wizards mainly utilize damage over time spells, which reminds me that a frog boiling in a pot will leap immediately out of the water if its too hot, but will stay until it dies if the water’s temperature reaches steadily. while fire’s general message are that it may consume everything it touches, and how pyromancers are quick to anger and tempestuous, fire plays the longer game by slow roasting their enemies until it is too late for them.

balance - cosmos

when i saw this flower and its meanings there was literally no chance any other flower could compare omg

balance is described as finding the equality of everything and harmony. they are described as broad-minded, taught to be considerate of all things, as well as their own place in the world they live in. cosmos, in this case, represent order, peace, modesty and harmony -- all things which are important to a balance wizard. balance thrives in the company of others, simply because it was made in mind to help others in the heat of battle. “The Balance School will train its student wizards to be effective in group play.” (w101)

however as a result, they may appear as stand-offish and impassive, unable to choose a side or make a choice. such is life when you’re raised to consider all factors of every choice you make - every decision feels heavy.

life - achillea (also known as yarrow)

named after the greek hero achilles, legends would say that his soldiers would treat their wounds with this. source 

i chose achillea for life simply for the fact that it represents healing and protection, as well as it being used it being a versatile plant used to treat a variety of maladies or sicknesses - it’s been used as a medicinal plant for a long time across the world. 

life embodies “the spirit, the force of awareness and existence. It is about constant growth and movement.” (w101). theurgists are described as having simple pleasures in life, in revelling in the idea of the living, breathing, planet around you. it utilizes the song of creation, using it to weave life where there was none previously. it definitely has powerful roots in the canon storyline - i just wish it was utilized more through its play style. 

(astral) star - aster (also known as starwort, frost flower)

ok i dont have a deep meaning for this im sorry . i mainly chose aster simply because “aster” is derived from the Greek word “astron”, which means “star”, and because of the shape of its flowers. pretty simple reason but ill try my best to do it justice

however, aster is represented by patience and elegance -- star magic may be a lesser form of sun magic, simply because it is meant to power yourself rather than your spells. i think theres something inherently elegant about an aura wrapping itself around your figure, bending to the whim of your spells, as it both enhances your health or your spells. 

(astral) sun - datura (also known as devil’s trumpet)

Datura symbolizes power and caution. It is a powerful and deadly plant, but also a major religious and cultural symbol.

i chose datura’s for sun because sun is all about power -- datura is highly poisonous and very dangerous to be around. the main deal of the sun school is that they use spells to make their own stronger - it has the “power to endure, power to persevere, and power to change”. we don’t get much of a canon explanation for how sun magic works outside of battles, but i imagine that you have to be careful with sun magic, because as we know - absolute power corrupts absolutely. aint that neat

(astral) moon - protea

protea’s represent ingenuity, diversity, transformation and courage. a big part of moon magic is that it is all about change. changing your spells, your body, your thoughts -- it is symbolized by the moon because it goes through many changes (the tides, the phases of the moon, etc).

i feel as if moon magic might be one of the harder magics to master out of all the astral schools - the transformation into something else may not come as easy as star auras, or that it simply may be too hard on the caster in question, having to change their physical appearances and battle tactics to fit into a new one.

shadow - rhododendron

rhododendron’s represent temptation, caution and danger. 

despite how pretty it looks, the stems, leaves, and flowers can be poisonous to humans and pets if ingested. i feel as if that describes shadow perfectly -- the pleasant sight of these pretty flowers is enough to entice a person (wizard) forward, but you must be careful with how you handle this plant, or else you will end up facing dire consequences. (backlash)

shadow magic as a whole can be very tempting to those who seek it -- offering power that scales above others. but it is an advanced magic, and those who seek to play with it often end up paying the price with their lives (in this case, morganthe was crushed underneath the weight of power that shadow gave her). shadow can give you an upper hand, however, if used right -- and the wizard, for the most part, is using it right. 

shadow is mainly a cautionary tale of not playing with higher, advanced, magics with the wrong intentions.

[zhoufeis]

Yay! The newbie (me) has finished 10 korean dramas

....... and here are my ratings.

- Ratings for: W - Two Worlds | Extraordinary You | Bring it on, ghost! | Hotel del Luna | The Tale of Nok-du | Run On | Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung | Romance is a Bonus Book | Radio Romance | A Love So Beautiful

- Also mentioned: Memories of the Alhambra | My Country - The New Age | Do Do Sol Sol La La Sol | Signal | Mr. Queen | Tale of the Nine Tailed | Goblin | My First First Love | Moon Lovers | The Crowned Clown

Let’s rate from worst to best:

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10) Romance is a Bonus Book. Rating: 2,1 / 5 stars - skip it.

- I kept seeing this show on my dash and since my first kdrama watch was W Two Worlds with the wonderful Lee Jong-suk, I decided to give it a chance.

- But hell, no one warned me how bad it actually is. I’m not talking about the acting (the cast is actually quite solid), but I’m referring to... the plot (or lack thereof), the love story (let’s rather call it one-sided obsession) and the wasted potential. Let’s start with the set-up. A company producing books, a single mother who needs a job, her childhood best friend who works for the company. Yeah, it’s not precisely complex or inventive, but it’s something to work with. Create nice dynamics at the working place, have some yearning between the two leads, give them heartwarming moments and a confession of how they’ve always been in love with each other. There’s just one problem: she really never, ever had any romantic feelings for her childhood best friend. She keeps calling him a brother and insists on him being her closest friend (which seems a stretch since she lied to him for a year about her separation from her husband and kept sort of creeping up into his house to eat and shower there without letting him know). Anyway, I could oversee this (even though I hate the trope of childhood best friends becoming lovers in adult life just because one is a man and the other a woman) if AT LEAST we actually get to see her falling for him slowly within the show. But we just.... don’t. He confesses his love to her - as she is actually starting to see someone else, and let me tell you, she actually seemed to be into the second lead -, then promises her not to push his feelings onto her... but that’s exactly what he does (I guess I don’t need to mention I ended up not being his biggest fan), and she ends up falling for him for unknown reasons. Eh. Okay. I started rooting for the second leads halfway into the show. Hae-rin & Eun-ho as well as Seo-joo & Dan-i appeared to me as the much more shippable pairings. I might have actually cried for Hae-rin & Eun-ho at some point of the show, but well... Moving on to... everything else. I enjoyed some scenes in the company, but not enough that I could tell you any right now because there wasn’t anything very memorable. The show basically thrives in some random scenes usually involving one of the two leads rather than in scenes with the two of them. That random author’s suicide has stuck with me as well as the letters that song hae-rin has wrote to our male lead over the years. The talk about fears between eun-ho and that author has stuck with me too, but other than that... there’s just nothing really happening. I was patiently waiting for a plot to come but nothing ever came. It just feels like a bunch of really uninteresting subplots put into one show. I don’t wanna judge it too harshly, but one of the other modern day dramas I will discuss further down this list also simply works with a bunch of subplots coming together - and it’s wonderfully executed (it’s ‘Run On’, for those of you who are wondering!)

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: nice friendship between women (dan-i & hae-rin); delivery of lee jong-suk, jeong eu-gene & park gyu-young; one strong scene involving a life lesson every few eps

- Negative: no main plot, dull subplots... nothing happens, very cheesy at some points, the protagonizing couple is quite problematic and unshippable, their chemistry is not strong enough to oversee that; i really don’t know why people like this show.

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9) Radio Romance. Rating: 3,2 / 5 stars - it’s cute.

- Radio Romance is the show on this list that drives me into conflict with myself. Because some things about this show are very strong; others (many) very, very weak. I guess the main problem is that the show’s set-up mostly shouldn’t be taken too seriously, but it deals with some heavy topics that need to be taken seriously. And unlike quality japanese animes or some quality chinese drama that usually achieve to make you realize what can be taken as a joke and what can not, Radio Romance is sort of incapable of keeping that balance. You gotta figure it for yourself.

- While offering a quite enjoyable cast and some quite different personalities within the show, there is no one particularly standing out. As you will see as we go further down on this list, this is not my only Kim So-hyun drama, it was also not my first, and I can promise you that it won’t be my last. I simply adore this actress, she’s enjoyable to watch. I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of her, which is why I checked out the show in the first place. Compared to her other characters though, Song Geu-rim is kind and nice and all, but not too memorable. She’s portraying a nice girl next door here with a dream to become a good radio script writer. And if not even her character stands out, as expected, none of the others will either. As for the plot... We don’t really have one, I suppose. If you count the plot making the radio show, I suppose then episode 3 or 4 is the last with actual development. I was hoping for more conflicts and plot twists involving Soo-ho’s backstory - and we got them, but very, very, very late on the show. Basically, getting through the first 7 eps felt very easy to me, due to the change of locations and relationship growth, and getting through the last 3 as well. Although the last was such a cheesy ending, you have no idea. The middle part suffered from a lack of plot and character development as well as it suffered from a focus on the love triangle - which I totally could have lived without. Like, istg, what was the POINT of this love triangle? Soo-ho and Geu-rim had to deal with enough things already, bringing in yet another obstacle through the tercero and putting the focus onto this love triangle was just soooo cliché. And don’t even get me started on how they also went with the problematic love triangle tropes rather than to at least make it somewhat adorable or funny. It was also boring. I kept pausing the episodes there and didn’t keep watching for days. It was only at the end of episode 13 that things finally got interesting again when we finally got to learn more about Soo-ho’s backstory. From then on, I was able to end the show within 2 days. So, no, the backstory was not the thing that drives me into conflict though. What drives me into conflict is how such a quite flat story was able to portray a very good, very realistic case of depression and PTSD. Like wow. This must have been one of the few shows, in which we have a canonically diagnosed character who does not fall into stereotypes and in which his depression isn’t used as a mere plot device to get the ship together and cure him by that. His depression is underlying at all times, sometimes more, sometimes less. He is told to get treatment (”no treatment, no medication.”), he has moments in which his depression mentally and physically restrains him from acting. It’s a very layered, realistic depiction and I adored every single bit of it. Meanwhile, the character isn’t defined by his depression nevertheless - there’s more to Soo-ho then just the depression, and after all, he was an outstanding character (to correct what I said before because I was lying xD). So... for all the lack of plot and development and predictable storytelling, the depiction of depression and the peacefulness of the protagonizing couple save that show.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: unnecessary love triangles with unnecessary clichés; barely any plot; sheer boredom in the middle of the show; takes itself and its tropes way too seriously.

- Positive: complex character who is suffering from depression and PTSD; layered, realistic depiction of depression; adorable couple that transmits peacefulness.

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8) Rookie Historian Goo Hae-ryung. Rating: 3,5 / 5 stars - nice, but it is no must-watch.

- I feel genuinely bad for putting this right after Radio Romance and Romance is a Bonus Book, because Rookie Historian was, simply put, muuuuuuuuch better. I got invested in the characters and their backstories. The story is quite more complex in retrospect than it seemed at first, but the show’s issue is that this is rather less apparent in more than the first quarter of the show. I really don’t even recall what happened in those first few episodes because it is rather unimportant for the rest of the show, with minor exceptions. The story truly starts picking up around episode 9 and has a strong run until around episode 15. The last quarter of the show then is wayyyyy too fast-moving, too many things happening and we barely spend time on things I then wished to spend more time on. Unfortunately, despite having a good set-up and a quite fine cast, I don’t think I’ll remember anything in particular about this show in a year. It’s a nice watch, even though I sometimes really had to motivate myself to keep watching in the first eps, but it hasn’t lingered in my memory after I finished it.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: rather lots of plot; positive female relationships; feminism; shin se-kyung; leading couple as well as the second leading couple, even though romance is not at the core of the show; nice messages about morality and truth.

- Negative: the first few eps are really.... slow-moving. To the point that I’d recommend putting the first 8 eps into 2-3 eps and giving more space in the end. Especially the last 4 eps of the show are way too fast-moving. Furthermore, there’s some plotholes. My biggest issue though is the glorification of europe's christianity during the 18th and 19th century. I was not expecting that in a korean drama but it seemed utterly wrong in my eyes, specifically because the show used it to promote that chrisitianity promotes equality of all races and genders. Not to be a bitch, but europe’s christian beliefs have never stopped europeans from discriminating women and non-white people, not then and not now.

- My general impression of the show is quite positive, but I’m not sure I’d willingly watch it again since knowing all the plot twists and storylines actually is enough to be watched once with that show. An experience that I haven’t made with the other kdramas that are higher ranked on this list.

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7) A Love So Beautiful. Rating: 3,5 / 5 stars - if you really don’t want to think at all and just watch a light, easy to follow show, that is your pick. However, NOT recommended for first-time kdrama watchers - it gives you a totally wrong impression of what kdramas are actually capable of achieving.

- I’d like to point out that this show has surprised me in a good way - but there’s things that need to be pointed out here, so let me make three paragraphs: the first will talk about my impression of the first 16 eps; the second will talk about the last 8 eps; and the last will talk about how this show was cute, but could have been incredible, but didn’t use its potential correctly.

- Episodes 1-16: Look, the thing about those eps is very easy to point out: it’s not quality and it is never pretending to be (unlike romance is a bonus book, which pretends to be some smart, adult quality show but is just trash). Those eps cannot be taken totally serious. You have to go in there knowing exactly what is awaiting you. I started it because when I saw the trailer, I immediately realized all the tropes that Extraordinary You (higher ranked, you will see later) was making fun of. What you see is exactly what you get: Clichéd characters, clichéd love story, average acting, average directing, simple dialogue, clichéd love triangle, predictable developments - a simple romcom put into a tv show format. It’s cliché over cliché over cliché put into a het high school love story. And you know what? After weeks of studying for and writing my uni exams, it was exactly what I needed. The show is so over the top with its clichés that it’s genuinely funny. The lightheartedness and the non-existing complexity just add to that. Basically, you could argue that it’s all so bad with its clichés, which is why it becomes hilarious. Unlike other kdramas, it has a straightforward plot: a girl is in love with a boy and wants to be with him. It’s as easy as that. The show clearly loves featuring every trope you could associate with het love stories, but honestly, it’s so light and breezy and such a fast watch (due to the fact that each ep is between 20-25 minutes), you will finish those first 16 episodes before you know you even started it (I made it in less than 2 days). I want to repeat here though, it’s not for someone who starts with kdramas and hasn’t watched other kdramas. It cannot be taken seriously - and you only cannot take it seriously when you have seen things like Extraordinary You or W or, I guess, a bunch of high school kdramas. But I’m telling you, this is the only Kdrama on this list that you can watch in the most stressful time of your life and it will make you feel better. It won’t make you cry, it will make you laugh, and the moment it is out of your sight, you will forget about it - at least, that’s the case about the first 16 eps. And then we get to...

- Episodes 17-24: guys, what have I gotten myself into? As these people finished high school and their problems actually also got more adult, I started to grow genuinely attached, specifically to the ship. When she got sick and he didn’t even know although he’s a DOCTOR? When she was sexually harassed and didn’t know how to talk to him about it because their relationship was filled with other problems? When he left for 3 years and later told her that he had hoped she’d follow him because she always has... and then she didn’t? When he said that everyone is under the impression that she is more dependent on him but that he is actually the one who cannot imagine a life without her? IT ALL HURT BADLY. Because 1) so many years passed in such a short amount of time on the show and it felt like someone was ripping my heart out. I got genuinely reminded of that stupid US movie “One Day” - and y’all know how that movie ended. And because 2) there was a very realistic notion in the adult relationship portrayed. Not only did it point out how differently relationships/friendships can develop once you outgrow your teenage years and start navigating your life by yourself, but the problems, the misunderstandings, the different perceptions of time, the different perceptions of how friendships and relationships are developing - I honestly could relate to it a lot, looking at it from a 24yo perspective because it is something I have been experiencing as well since I finished high school. You feel more lonely and tend to perceive some time as passing by quickly, other times, it feels like everything is going so slow. These last 8 eps completely differ from my perception that I had in the first 16 eps of the show, as the tone is much more serious and the things depicted realistic and relatable. I also sobbed a lot. I didn’t sob at all, ever, in the first 16 eps, but the last 8 were me crying a lot and feeling my heart hurt as the years passed by and these two just spent them apart.

- So, what do I criticize about this show? The show’s pacing. I genuinely loved the change of feeling between high school and adult life, between ridiculousness and seriousness, and I know the show wants to celebrate youth at the end of the day. But I honestly believe this show could have worked so much better if u cut the high school episodes down to 8 episodes and rather spend a few more eps exploring their young adult lives. It would have worked so much better because their young adult selves were genuinely relatable, as well as their problems. The growth within the characters, realizing that the way they acted as teenagers were often self-centred or that they didn’t think that much about the consequences or how other people felt was nicely done. The show had potential. The dialogues were bearable, the camera work had hints of something great. In other words, I believe that with more carefulness to directing and dialogue, the show could have genuinely been a quality romance drama. The potential was there, but it wasn’t used the way it should have been. In the last 8 eps, you simply get a whiff on what this show could have actually been. Because the realistic character and relationship writing was right there - and if it had been put together with awesome directing and better pacing, everything could have been incredible.

SUMMARY

Favorite character:

Negative: the show’s pacing; the waste of potential to be an actual quality romance.

Positive: the un-seriousness of the first 16 eps, which were just so clichéd that it all was hilarious, compared to the seriousness of problems and development depicted in the past 8 eps.

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6) Run On. Rating: 4,2 / 5 stars - recommend

- I’m gonna be honest here and tell you something about me you might have guessed by now: Modern-day shows with no sci-fi nor fantasy elements are not particularly my thing. I usually sort of hate-watch them. Romance is a Bonus Book, A Love So Beautiful and Radio Romance are all of such shows and while I was even capable watching two of them without ending up hating them, they’re far from being my fave. Objectively, they’re okay-ish shows, nothing to be considered quality tv according to my cultural studies though. Subjectively, they just suffer even more from the fact that I’m very keen on being critical of such shows. But what happens when I find a non-fantasy, non-scifi modern-day show that is actually... good? Run On is the answer. Run On has memorable characters, their funny, unique characteristics, and simple conflicts put into nice subplots that often talk real-life problems such as bullying or self-neglegance. At the end of the day, this show is a love poem. It’s a love poem to self-love, self-respect, to friendship, to character growth, to family bonds, to achieving your goals, to making new goals, to kindness, and to life itself. That’s really what it is. You will find yourself in, at least, one of the characters. You will see them struggle, fight, grow, become better, and at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you are capable of living with yourself. I personally got attached to all of the stories and I adored how nothing was ever done over the top. Everything was subtle, multiple subplots working together... to form stories of life. It’s more than just a simple “feelgood” show and less than a devastating tragedy, it truly shows you life and puts it into an aesthetic form, that never neglects its reality. Which leads me to something I should point out here: it’s creatively done. From the fact that Seon-gyeom is waiting for Mi-joo at the end of the track to the drawings of Young-hwa that have Dan-ah in them to Dan-ah realizing that people experience the same things differently due to the fact that experience itself is different to everyone to Mi-joo imagining movie plots with the people she surrounds herself with to Seon-gyeom starting to live with Young-hwa in a small flat rather than to live lonely in a big, fancy hotel room - the things the characters go through in this show are not only talked about, but they’re often expressed through art, in all its forms. And these characters, these dynamics, the art, the conflicts are all subtly but carefully put together into subplots that form the show and very nice messages. The most important take-away I had from this show is that the way we treat us and the people around us is the highest form of art. And the show is a love poem to that.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Positive: the cast (especically the core four), the characters (especially the core four); the wonderful messages about respect, kindness and self-love; the subplots working together, reflecting how life is also not just some simple chronological order of things but rather multiple experiences that we remember and that shape us; life is constant growth.

- Negative: i think the only thing i truly have to criticize is that you never really know what the plot even is. While I do enjoy how the subplots all work together, I would have wished for deeper inspections of some plots. And while it is easy just for some headcanons to come to mind, I still think the show could have incorporated more. Considering the treatment of art forms and how it takes a prominent role within the story (due to Young-hwa and Mi-joo, respectively), I also would have liked to have some cultural nods and references - and interpretations. I think the show used about 85% of its potential - and the potential was great, which is why the rating is still very good.

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5) Bring it on, ghost! Rating: 4,2 / 5 stars - recommend, especially good for people who want to have a focus on romance coupled with a supernatural plot and who want a happy ending

- While the story is pretty easy to follow, often seems to be predictable and familiar, the show still promotes nice messages about forgiveness and regret. The strong side of the show isn’t particularly that though - this show is entirely saved by the two leading actors. Kim So-hyun and Teacyeon portray two incredibly lovable characters you will see yourself drawn to. They furthermore have a chemistry that you just have to love and their bickering is just the best part of all. This is mixed with some tragic moments - in present time as well as in the past - and what you get is a romantic show with a bit of comedy, with a bit of tragedy, but with a very happy ending. If you exchanged the actors with two less skilled actors or two people who simply don’t have a lot of chemistry, this show simply wouldn’t work. Their performances are the shining light of this drama, mixed with some funny side characters that you get to enjoy as well. The reason why it ends up higher on the list than Run On - despite Run On probably having generally the better dialogue writing as well as better camera work and even more beautiful messages - is due to the sole work of the two leads who simply carry this show on their back and the fact that despite having some more or less necessary subplots, there is a main plot here that will take a faster, darker turn in the second half of the show. And I personally just enjoy having a main plot to hold onto as well as I always enjoy a bit of fantasy more than modern day real live shows. On top of that, add some devastating backstory and top-notch character development for Park Bong-pal, and a badass, slightly violent, sassy characterization of Kim Hyun-ji. This show will simply leave you with a huge smile on your face, despite being made for people who enjoy tragedy as well.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: subplots sometimes take the focus, a familiar story, stereotypical portrayal of ghosts (yes, ahre, i said it), no real plot twists (which can be a good thing, too, since the show rather simply unfolds each part of the story over the course of its run)

- Positive: the two leading actors, their incredibly shippable couple, a happy ending. If I was going to recommend a light-hearted, happy kdrama that has some tragic parts but ends happily and isn’t that hard to follow, I’ll recommend you this one.

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4) The Tale of Nok-du. Rating: 4,6 / 5 stars - strongly recommend.

- If you ever are in search for an unproblematic dummy as protagonist, watch this show. He’s a dummy you just have to love. You laugh about him, you laugh with him, you cry for him. He’s a puppy, you cry with him. And the best thing is, this puppy falls in love with a girl who can be quite rude and annoyed, but he always makes her smile and genuinely is attentive to her. The most frustrating thing about both of them is that each of them keeps a secret they cannot tell each other because they refuse to hurt each other - and this almost leads to tragedy. Better even, they’re portrayed by two very skillful actors. You’ll love them in the blink of an eye. And then there’s the cute second lead, portrayed by Kang Tae-oh. Yes, cute. Until he really isn’t. I’ve never seen an actor being able to turn around a character to 180° in no time. Some talent that is. And now let’s just say - the plot is nice. It is not the most complex one, but it is interesting to follow and you are always eager to find out new information to collect and put the pieces together. If you are searching for a show that is simply entertaining and nice to watch and featrures a great cast and nice characters and ranges from comedy to tragedy, this is your pick.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: the narrative change in the middle of the show that shifted the focus away from women to men (even though it made sense within the story, it was still a very sudden and harsh change, especially if you consider that these women were mostly slaughtered to death)

- Positive: CAST (specifically the three mains are just beyond amazing); an innocent, pure, absolutely adorable protagonizing couple that will steal your heart; feminism; male protagonist being a feminist who ends up working with badass women for his entire lifetime; directing; narration practices - this show is the one that draws the line between the ones i discussed above and the really great ones because it is the first on the list to be capable of telling a story by constantly keeping your nerves up while also not overstimulating the viewer with too much information at once. Only the other 3 shows which will follow now were able to do the same - and it’s what makes people watch or quit, and that’s why it’s so important: constant plot development, no unnecessary side plots, and handing your audience enough information to make them keep watching but not enough to guess the entire plot yet. The Tale of Nok-du was able to do exactly that and I honestly enjoyed the ride.

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3) W - Two Worlds. Rating: 4,8 / 5 stars - strongly recommend, must watch.

- I’d like to point out first that my top 3 are interchangeable. I sometimes tend to change my mind which one of the three I adore the most, and W is definitely in those top 3. Firstly, I’d like to let you know that W was my first Kdrama watch. And it blew me away. I was in awe with Lee Jong-suk, with Han Hyo-joo, with the narration of this drama, with the plot, with the direction, with the leading couple, the cast, THE DIALOGUE. Everything about this drama was excellently executed. The slow-moving narration in episode 1, the extra long scene of Chul holding the writer at gunpoint, the writer ‘becoming’ the killer (which he has always been anyway), the philosophy behind it, the creativity. I was blown away by literally everything about this drama and I believe it to be one of the strongest dramas ever made. Furthermore, what I also really adored, is that you don’t need to necessarily be into the couple in order to enjoy this show anyway because the plot takes the spotlight - but since the couple is always involved in the main plot, you get to enjoy plot, dialogue and couple at once. An interesting thing that I want to note here is that a few weeks after finishing the show, I stumbled upon reddits criticizing Lee Tae-hwan for his acting in general. I don’t know if he just perfectly suited the role of Chul’s bodyguard in W, but I highkey enjoyed watching him in this drama.

SUMMARY

- Favorite characters:

- Negative: I would have adored if Yeon-joo took a more prominent role in the resolution of the story (last 2 episodes) since the ‘hero arc’ went all to Chul there. And another negative aspect is that the show lives from very strong dialogues throughout all episodes, all incredible, all amazing and then - the very last scene. The last words spoken on the show, as a voice-over of Chul and Yeon-joo, are rather dull compared to the rest of the show.

- Positive: narration device, leaving out information to fill us in later and blowing our minds away (PEOPLE, I THOUGHT CHUL DIED), complex main characters, complex plot, no unnecessary subplots, no unnecessary romantic drama, no unnecessary cheesiness, DIALOGUE, direction, the cast in general*.

*I tried Memories of the Alhambra, as I found out that the same people who also made W were in charge of that drama, and I have to admit that I was intensely let down, specifically by the casting. Hyun Bin was alright-ish (not very memorable though), but Park Shin-hye was unbearable for me after episode 3. I stopped watching. If the plot was as interesting as the one of W though, I would have kept watching. But seeing as nothing really happened in those first 3 eps other than the lead killing his old best friend and playing video games that appear to turn into reality, I felt like I was wasting my time.

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2) Extraordinary You. Rating: 5 / 5 stars - strongly recommend for hopeless romantics, people who suffer from second lead syndrome and people who like getting into philosophical debates.

- Extraordinary You was the second kdrama I ever watched. And. And. And. And I almost gave it up after episode one. It seemed somewhat ridiculous to me, way too fast-moving. I would regret my entire life if I had given it up right there and then. Because PEOPLE, IT IS SO GOOD. Not only does it feature a very healthy main couple, it leaves you emotionally devastated because there’s a backstory that you only get to know in the second half of the show but which influences your entire perception of the first half - and jeez, by the time I reached half of the show, I was yelling and screaming and crying my eyes out. You ever want to see a love so deep that it transcends consciousness and universes? A love so deep that time and space become mere nothings? That’s what you get in this show. And one of the best parts is that the ‘’’’’actual’’’’’ lead (in the ancient story within the show, not the story of the show) aka Baek Kyung* does NOT get the girl. But that doesn’t mean you won’t fricking suffer with him. Jeez, I bawled my eyes out for him, too. But Haru/Dan-oh, guys, they’re.... everything. Oh and all of that is nicely mixed up in a strong, complex plot that leaves nothing unexplained. Not everything is explained through words - the show is high on symbolism rather than dialogue - but everything makes sense. And the ending, oh that stupid ending. As beautiful as heartbreaking. Since the plot is put into a philosophical perspective throughout the show, the show also raises questions about existence and being. Yes, I yelled when Heidegger was mentioned. So not only do you get to see a beautiful, heartbreaking love story; adorable, complex characters; time-and-space-transcending friendships, you also get to laugh, cry and think about your own existence and your own place in this world. This show is a delight.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: you will cry and cry and cry and then laugh and then cry and cry and cry. It’s really not fun. Emotionally devastating. No, but for real... I wished we had a more complex depiction of the female characters that aren’t Dan-oh (specifically Ju-da, Sae-mi and Su-hyang), and a bit less focus on the guys therefore (I love them all but I thought the girls could have gotten some screen time of theirs while I would have accepted Jinmichae, Do-hwa and Nam-ju to get a bit less)

- Positive: Honestly? EVerything. Directing, casting, characterization, narration, love story, friendships, everything.

-  *Let me say something about Baek Kyung, portrayed by Lee Jae-wook. That character could have simply been an asshole. The set-up was there, the writer of the comic also made him that way. But Lee Jae-wook has portrayed this character with so much depth that it is impossible not to feel bad for him. His entire life stages (hahahaha, I’m so funny) are a tragic mess. The fact that he eventually realizes that who he is and who the writer made him are eventually indeed two different people after all - but that they both share being in love with Eun Dan-oh - is as important as it is devastating. Cause it makes you realize that he can finally move his life more freely with that knowledge - become a better person outside of the stages (only if given the chance by the writer though) - while also never finding a happy ending. Firstly, because happy endings don’t exist in their world anyway because endings - if happy or sad - are always endings to these characters’ existences and because it is glaringly obvious his happy ending would include having Dan-oh by his side also outside of the stages. That is denied to him and will always be denied to him. And as a viewer, you understand that and you want nothing else, but the fact that he doesn’t even appear in the new story, not getting a chance at a new life this time, just adds a tragic notion onto all of this that no one asked for. I’d like to thank Lee Jae-wook here for such an incredible portrayal. I started Do Do Sol Sol La La Sol because of him and, unfortunately, had stop watching after 2 episodes because Go A-ra is simply... a terrible actress. I can’t put it any other way. I’m looking forward to other dramas with him and the rest of the cast though. Extraordinary You definitely had a huge advantage already by having a quite young, but incredibly talented mass of actors and actresses.

____________________

*drumroll*

1) Hotel del Luna. Rating: 5 / 5 stars - strongly recommend, must watch.

- It wasn’t thaaaat surprising to me that I would love this show. It was rather.... obvious that this would happen because a fantasy show set in modern day with the involvement of other time eras and a badass, broken, strong female lead is simply my taste. What I did not expect was this to become my favorite tv show of all time. I don’t even know where to start. I guess Jang Man-wol is a good starting point. Because I live for such characters. Characters like hers are precisely of my taste (I had similar people to her before - Ámbar Smith from Argentina’s Soy Luna or Melody Paz from Argentina’s Casi Ángeles - and also after her - Seo Dan-ah from Korea’s Run On), but Jang Man-wol takes the no.1 spot in all tv characters ever. She’s so layered, so complex, so well-written. She’s not predictable, but she’s also not ever surprising. She comes across as one of the most relatable tv characters you could ever see because she isn’t just one thing. She’s very contrary, she can be soft and loving or harsh and ruthless, sometimes all at the same time. She can be forgiving, she can be arrogant, self-hating, self-loving, lazy, passionate, she is quite literally everything. And while in the show’s set-up she is punished for hundreds of years when other, much more problematic people were allowed to leave this world sooner than her, the narrative wants you to feel sorry for her. You see her flaws, you see she’s anything but perfect but it won’t make you conclude that her punishment was ever deserved. The more you get into this show, the more you will ache. Because you know that there is only one possible ending to the show - for her to finally find peace. And that... that can only be achieved if she finally is allowed to leave this world. And it hurts and pains because, obviously, there is a love story. A love story that goes back to when she was a child 1,300 years ago. A love story that reunites her with the guy who saved her these 1,300 years ago and who now finds her again, someone who makes her care about her life again. As deeper as you go into the show, the more you will cry, the more you will suffer. And you will feel conflicted. You will want her to get her revenge while you will want to protect her. You will want her to finally be able to leave this world, but you won’t want her to leave Chan-sung. You will want her to actually care about her own fate while you will also want her to make the mistakes that worsen everything. It is a beautiful character put into a story that mixes fantasy, comedy, tragedy, soulmates, life, death, revenge, a stunning cinematography and strong dialogues into one. And what you get is the probably best show ever made.

SUMMARY

- Favorite character:

- Negative: There is really only one minor thing I’d criticize. While all the chars are rather complex and all subplots and character arcs work within the main plot frame and round up the entire story perfectly, there is one subplot I personally got a bit tired of because it is definitely the most unconnected one to the main plot - this concerns the romance arc of yu-na and hyun-joong. I wasn’t hating it, but I just didn’t need it for this story.

- Positive: This show has everything. I told you above already all the things I like. On top of that, I’d like to add that it has a beautiful found family story arc, promotes wonderful messages, has gotten itself the most excellent leading actress with IU who just beautifully portrays Jang Man-wol in all her depth. The show leaves you with your heart aching while there will be a smile on your face. Emotional devastation is just how this show works.

_______________

- Kdrama I'm currently watching: The Crowned Clown

- Kdramas I plan on watching soon: My Country - The New Age (watched 2 eps so far) | Signal (watched 1 ep so far) | Mr. Queen | Tale of the Nine Tailed | Moon Lovers

- Kdramas I abandoned because I didn’t get into them / disliked them: My First First Love | Goblin | Do Do Sol Sol La La Sol | Memories of the Alhambra

- If you have any suggestions for me based on my likes and dislikes, send them to me. I’m open to everything :)

[itmighthavebeenintentional]

I’m Ready

Summary: “I can’t...I can’t take my forever if you’re not in it.” 

Picks up right where the show left off. Not technically a fix-it, as I didn’t change anything, but I promise it gets better. 

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of (canon) child abuse and neglect, mentions of past trauma, working through trauma, denial, bit of pining (but, like, in a denial sort of way), some fluff, some angst (but not as much as there is fluff)

Author’s Note: So many thanks to @there-must-be-a-lock​ for endless suggestions, fixes, and beautiful images (header AND dividers!!!). Thanks to all my friends for cheering me on, especially @thoughtslikeaminefield​ ; I probably wouldn’t have kept going with the story without you.

This is my first Destiel story and my first time posting in a while. Please be kind.

Word Count: 7704

In case you missed it: ItMightHaveBeenintentional’s Masterlist

Dean isn’t sure how long he’s been in heaven, at least not by heaven’s timeframe. Probably years, maybe even a couple of decades. He doesn’t age in heaven, and time works differently, running fast and stretching slow. 

For Dean, heaven is a chance to rest, catch up with his massive found family, and just breathe for the first time since he was a kid. No worrying about Sam, no waiting for the next monster to pop out, no prepping for the next apocalypse.

Nothing like heaven to give a guy time to kick his boots off and just relax. 

Unfortunately, relaxing has never come easy to Dean. Sure, he can go through the motions (binge watching horror movies, binge drinking, hell, just bingeing in general), but relaxing is an entirely different matter.

Relaxing means letting his guard down. It means giving up his hypervigilance. It means sleeping hard and staying asleep until he wakes naturally and unassisted by attackers. It means spending long moments reminding himself the monster at the end of the book is really gone.

Sam is safe. Everyone he’s ever loved is safe and close, where he can reach them.

Almost everyone. 

...

Jake Walker is born on the ninth of July at twenty-one seconds past 9:14 AM. His mother Samantha is exhausted after a two-weeks-early delivery, but both she and the baby are strong and steady. Her wife didn’t faint, none of the medical team ever sounded the least worried, and she heard her son’s first shocked wail as he came into the world. Exhausted, but definitely good.

His mom Betty, on the other hand, is an absolute wreck. She’s been anxious the entire pregnancy, despite good news from the doctor at every visit, and she is terrified that the unexpected early arrival of their son means her worst fears are just beginning. 

Betty takes slow, calming breaths, focusing on not clamping down too hard on Sam’s hand. She has to stay strong, calm, for her new family. She has to keep her head on straight, in case—in case —

“Your son is absolutely fine, seems he just had a real particular time he wanted to arrive. Here he is.”

Betty opens her eyes to find a delivery nurse beaming at her, proffering a small, swaddled bundle.

“Never seen such a calm baby. Here, he’s been waiting for you.” 

Betty looks down into the startlingly clear, mossy green eyes gazing up at her from the squashed, serene little face, and she feels something click into place in the middle of her chest. Samantha leans her head back against her pillow, letting out a long slow breath as she smiles, and Betty’s pulse slowly finds its way back to something like normal.

“We’ve been waiting for you, too, big guy.”

...

Trauma doesn’t heal in a day, not even in heaven. All the shit Dean remembers — all the shit he tried to forget — everything he ever managed to suppress — drives him from his bed at night, leaving him sleepless on his front porch, staring blankly into the night, or tinkering on Baby in the garage, digging into the perfect engine, determined to distract himself from his spiraling thoughts. 

Dean has never been an idiot, no matter how many times he played the fool in life. The people he and Sam couldn’t save, the people he let down, none of those deaths are on him. Dean isn’t responsible for the pain and suffering, but he’s haunted by it all the same. 

The problem is, haunts don’t go away on their own. Every hunter knows that. 

It’s not that he wants forgiveness; how can he be forgiven for something he isn’t responsible for? He needs to see those people, though, see that they’re okay and at peace. He has to make sure everyone is where they should be, safe and at least content. And even if he ultimately isn’t their killer, didn’t want their deaths, would have done anything to prevent them, he still needs them to know...to know everything. 

He needs absolution.

And if the person who needs to hear those things the most is MIA, well, they’ve got a history of not saying a lot of things face to face. There’s always prayer, right? 

Dean starts by visiting a couple of people he hadn’t been able to save along the way, feeling strangely like someone following a twelve step program. Objectively, (ie, according to the people he talks to), he’s got nothing to apologize for. He did his best; he made tough decisions in situations forced upon him. They don’t blame him in the least, and most are truly and obviously thankful for his intervention.

Their words don’t make much of a dent in the mountain of guilt Dean carries on his shoulders, but it’s a start. 

Once or twice, Dean finds himself looking up at the sky, so far from empty, opening his mouth to call out — an action so common on earth it nearly became reflex —but he stops himself both times. He’s not ready for that conversation.

But he needs to talk to someone closer to him, a deeper connection than the monster victims he’s been visiting. 

He’s restless, needs to move a little, needs to talk to…

Someone. He needs to talk to someone. But he can’t. Hell, he can’t even say the name. 

Pacing the garage turns to a wandering ramble down the road, past Sam and his family’s house, past Mom and Dad’s house (there’s a conversation or fifty that he’s not ready for), until he finds himself in front of what can only be described as a hobbit hole. He shakes his head, not for the first time, the corner of his mouth tilted up as he knocks on the circular front door. 

He’s greeted by bright red hair, a surprisingly crushing hug, and one of the brightest smiles Dean has ever seen.

“Hey, Charlie. Can we, uh...You up for a walk? I was hopin we could talk for a while.”

...

Jake grows quickly and steadily, always near the top of all his growth charts but never alarmingly so. He’s bright, quick to anger and quick to laugh, and fiercely loving. He is both his mothers’ boy, always up for a cuddle or a wrestle, and he loves to build block towers and demolish them with equal abandon. 

He makes his displeasure with vegetables known early on. On this particular morning, he introduces his strained peas to the kitchen wall with surprising velocity. Betty knows better than to encourage this attitude, so she hides her smile behind calm, controlled admonition as she offers another spoonful. 

Jake looks her straight in the eyes, his smile dazzling and laughter bright, and she knows she hasn’t fooled him one bit. She sighs and lets her own smile match his. He won her over the day he was born; there’s not much point trying to fight it now.

“Come on, babe, eat your peas and we’ll see about some of those stewed apples left over from Mommy’s pie filling. Deal?”

She scrunches her nose and wiggles her eyebrows. Jake’s little eyes widen at her expression, and he tries to imitate it before dissolving into giggles. Betty takes the opportunity to poke a spoonful of peas into his open mouth. 

She’s not spent much time around kids before this, but Betty swears she’s never seen a baby look so resigned and exasperated in real life. But she’s played her trump card. He’s too young for the crust, but a couple of spoonfuls of smashed up fruit (apple is his favorite), and Jake is guaranteed to eat just about anything she presents.

“Pie?” she asks.

Jake smiles and opens his mouth wider.

...

“SURPRISE!!!”

The last time he was shocked this badly, Sam didn’t let him forget that fucking cat for years. Or ever, really. Seems like everyone he ever knew is stuffed into his living room, barely leaving room for the balloon bouquets and a massive… That’s not a cake, it’s…

That’s the most beautiful apple pie Dean has ever seen in his entire life. 

Dean is engulfed by arms, hugging and patting and slapping his back (was that a pinch on his ass?), everyone eager to get their turn with him, wishing him a happy birthday, saying they can’t wait until he opens his presents, it’s so good to see him, he’s looking so rested!

He manages to extract himself from the wellwishers, citing parental obligations, and finally makes his way over to Mary, smiling warmly and offering him a knife and a plate. His eyes flick anxious from his mom to the golden brown circle of perfection before him, but he can’t bring himself to ask. Mary’s smile widens.

“I didn’t lay a hand on it except to take it out of the box. Happy Birthday, Dean.”

Six plates of pie later, Dean reclines on his couch, letting the relaxed atmosphere of the party sink into his bones. The excitement and crowd of early have begun to wind down, leaving a double handful of family, both blood and found, all telling the most embarrassing, terrible Dean stories they can think of.

It’s possible Dean’s never laughed this hard in his entire life.

He heaves a deep sigh of contentment and props his feet ponderously on the coffee table, draping an arm across the back of the couch and surveying the room. 

Donna, one of the apparent party conspirators, tosses him a sparkling grin over her shoulder before turning back to a rather animated conversation with Charlie about the length of Dean’s wig at the LARPing battle. Sam and Kevin are recounting Dean’s worst cooking disasters to Garth’s wife, and Bobby is entertaining Mary with Dean’s disastrous attempt to flirt with the pizza delivery girl who delivered to Bobby’s house most weekends when Sam and Dean would stay with him. 

If Dean had to describe one perfect day, this would be just about it, down to the flakiness of the pie crust and the amazing collection of horror movies and original vinyls he’s been gifted. Almost every single person he could possibly want present is there, and since he isn’t dwelling on absence today, Dean decides to push his wandering thoughts out of his head and just soak it all in.

Every muscle in his body hums contentedly, and Dean feels strangely warm and peaceful, but excited, all at once. It’s weird, just sitting here and enjoying the moment, not worrying about the next minute or hour or day or even year. He’s full of pie, he’s got great tunes to look forward to, and there’s nothing to worry about. 

He’s happy.

Naturally, that’s when the panic sets in. This won’t last; it never does. Happiness can’t last. He learned that a long time ago. 

Sure, it’s heaven, but he doesn’t deserve to be here, so something is going to spoil it for him, for everyone. Probably Dean himself, he thinks as his eyes dart from his mom to his dad. Dean always seems to find a way to fuck things up, couldn’t take care of Sam, couldn’t keep himself alive, couldn’t even keep the Empty from—

“Hey, birthday boy.” Jody’s voice somehow reaches Dean through his darkening thoughts, and he comes back to himself in stages, focusing on the warmth of her hands on his shoulders. She stands behind the couch, leaning down to squeeze his shoulders. “Wanna get some air?”

He nods blindly and climbs numbly to his feet. Jody guides him efficiently out the door and points Dean in an arbitrary direction. They walk for what could be moments or hours as Dean plows through the morass in his mind. 

“I get it,” Jody finally says. 

Dean glances sharply at her. 

“I still have random panic attacks sometimes, wondering if Alex is safe at the hospital, if this is going to be the hunt that gets Claire.” Her eyes are fixed on some point in the distance, and he gets the feeling she’s deliberately not meeting his eyes. “I check on Owen every thirty minutes on my bad nights, and I have to lay hands and eyes on Sean to convince myself he’s really there before I can calm down. It always takes me a minute or sixty to make myself remember where we are, where everyone is, and that there isn’t some big or even small bad waiting around the corner or under the bed.”

Dean stuffs his hands in his pockets, stuffing down his automatic reassurances. The first half of his life was spent avoiding conversations like this, and it took him a long time to unlearn the knee-jerk reaction to brush off people’s concerns with some variation of “Everything’s fine.”

Jody, with an awareness born of decades of hunting and parenthood, senses his discomfort. She slows her steps and catches Dean’s elbow, turning him gently to face her.

“That feeling in your gut when the happiness comes, the panic, that knowledge deep, deep down that everything good is bound to turn to shit.” Jody reaches out and wipes a trickle of moisture from Dean’s face.

It’s not raining, he thinks, frowning. Where the hell did that come from?

“You're going to unlearn it. You’re the toughest bastard I’ve ever met, Dean, and you've been through literal hell. If anyone has earned their happiness up here, it’s you. You’re allowed to be happy, and someday you’ll know it.”

Dean would love to reply right now, to contradict Jody. He’d love to remind her of all the bad calls he made, of all the torturing he did in hell, of all the lies he told... 

But this knot in his throat is choking him. And still Jody persists.

“I know how goddamned stubborn you are, but you’re not stupid either. We have nothing to forgive you for. Maybe once you’ve talked to everyone on your list, you’ll see that, too. But in the meantime, take a deep breath, give me a hug, and at least say in your head that you’re allowed to enjoy yourself at your own damned birthday party, even if you can’t admit it out loud.”

And if the damp patch on Jody’s shoulder bothers her as they stroll back to Dean’s house to grab a couple of beers, at least she’s tactful enough to not mention it.

...

Jake takes care of his family. He’s a fairly serious, empathetic toddler, quick to kiss other’s ouchies. After receiving his first Elmo bandage, Jake insists on bandaging his stuffed puppy’s tail, his tyrannosaurus rex’s left eye (“He fight with stegosaurus,” Jake solemnly informs Samantha as he presses the adhesive strip in place), and then an old, almost-healed shaving cut on Betty’s left knee. 

“Mama better now?” Jake asks, somehow managing to sound strictly professional and absurdly adorable at the same time. He looks up to Betty for approval, and she wonders how she manages to let him touch the ground at all with how much she just wants to hold him all day long. 

“Mama so much better now,” she informs him, careful to stay serious. He rewards her with the golden smile that is the highlight of her days before rushing off to find someone else he can fix up. 

Both Betty and Samantha marvel in his quickness to share his snacks. They never refuse an offered Cheerio from him, no matter how damp or sticky (though a few of those disappear quickly when Jake’s attention wanders). 

The discussion over a first pet is fairly quick and decisive. Everyone agrees the pet must be something fluffy that can be cuddled. Betty vetoes anything smaller than a cantaloupe, citing her clumsiness and tendency to step on things that should never be trod upon. Jake vetoes cats, saying he just doesn’t trust them, and Mommy and Mama share one of their silent conversations before Samantha speaks up.

“A puppy it is, then, Jakey. Let’s go look up some good breeds.”

Their first pet is a rescue named Garth, at Jake’s adamant insistence, though they're still not sure where he learned that name in the first place. Garth is clumsy, awkward, easy-going, and the most spoiled and cared for pet in the neighborhood. 

Jake’s little sister Tabitha comes along shortly before his fourth birthday, and he takes to big brotherhood with an authority and self-assurance that delights every stranger the family meets. When she eventually starts walking, Jake is right by her side, guiding each one of her toddling little steps while a beaming Mommy and Mama follow close behind.

No one is even a little surprised when Tabby’s first whole word is “Hake.” She masters the letter j eventually, but continues to refer to his big brother by the name she gave him for most of the rest of their lives. Jake doesn’t even pretend to be annoyed.

“It was just a matter of time,” Samantha says one night, as she and Betty are getting ready for bed one night not long after Tabby has given Jake his new moniker. “You know what I mean?”

Betty, who has known exactly what Sam means since the day she literally tripped over her future wife at university, smiles and turns down the covers on her side of the bed. 

“That’s Jake,” she says. They’ve spent hours, discussing their son’s odd, charming quirks long into the night, offering up phrases like “old soul” and “wise,” and eventually realized nothing they said could ever completely encompass the loving little person they somehow managed to bring into the world.

“That’s Jake,” Sam agrees, and turns her version of Jake’s golden smile on her wife. Mischief sparkles in her eyes, and Betty wonders how she ended up with three people in her life that she absolutely cannot win against. 

“Ready to get sweaty, Betty?”

Betty groans but can’t hold back her grin. “You are the absolute worst, and that is exactly why I love you.”

…

Sam manages to shock Dean when he insists on a big family Christmas. His extra years on earth apparently helped the younger Winchester warm to the idea of holidays, finally getting to enjoy them with his son as he never did during his own childhood. 

Sam doesn’t have to try very hard to talk everyone into celebrating. Things have been calm and serene, more than a little on the uneventful side, and Dean figures it will add some variety to his afterlife. Something to plan, something to look forward to that won’t be crashed by murderous Elder Gods or various other supernatural entities. 

Probably. 

Dean secretly loves that feeling of finding the perfect present for someone, something he was never really in a position to do back on earth. He takes a deep breath, proactively reminding himself that this is okay, this is allowed, this is good, that everything is not only okay but actually kind of great, really.

He can be happy. He can. He can do this. 

 The shade of red Sam’s face turns before he finally dissolves into laughter is a thousand percent worth the degradation of actually gifting someone a signed vinyl copy of Celine Dion’s first solo album.

“It’s perfect, Dean. Thanks, man.” Sam pulls his brother into a hug, and his giant paw slapping Dean in the middle of the back literally knocks the panic right out of him. Deans huffs, at a loss for words, and hugs Sam back perhaps just a smidge too forcefully before letting him go.

“You’ll never top Sapphire Barbie for best Christmas present, but this runs a close second.” Sam shakes his head, still grinning as he reads over the back cover of the album while Mary and John look on, varying levels of confusion and amusement on their faces.

“What’s he talking about, Dean?” John asks. He takes a long drink of his whiskey. “Sapphire Barbie? Some kinda code word or something?”

Sam and Dean glance at each other, their shoulders tensing automatically. For a moment, Dean can actually feel the phantom hunger pains transposed over the current fullness of his belly, and he can see a tiny Sam (still way more hair than necessary), huddled despondent and hungry under a shitty, moth-eaten motel blanket, convinced there would be no Christmas. 

“Dean, uh...accidentally got me a Barbie for Christmas one year, it was — a, uh — yeah, he wanted to make sure I got a present, so he grabbed it, and…” Sam trails off. 

John huffs a confused laugh, and Dean’s hackles rise at the scoff, so like Sam’s and yet so much more...condescending. John rises from the couch and goes to refill his glass. Sam seems content to let the moment pass, but something in Dean’s gut, something latent and ignored since his heavenly ascension, sparks and smolders bitterly. 

“How the hell do you ‘accidentally’ get somebody a Barbie?” John asks, still chuckling, and Dean suddenly realizes he’s real fucking tired of biting his tongue.

“I stole the Barbie. Stole a couple of other things, too. A Christmas tree, some decorations, a baton.” 

Mary glances between her sons, confused, before turning to John. “Where were you while this happened?” 

A parade of emotions march over John’s face: confusion is followed by slow recognition. Guilt makes a quick appearance only to be chased away by dull, ashamed anger. 

Dean can practically see John’s mind flashing through the scenario, recalling more about the hunt than his own sons on that cold, nasty Christmas Eve. He knows the instant his dad reverts to default setting of laying the blame on his eldest son. Dean braces himself automatically, his body viscerally reacting to the familiar storm on his father’s face.

Dean has the fleeting thought that at least his dad is drinking from a glass now; ought to hurt a lot less than being hit with a whole bottle.

“You left your brother to go steal from somebody else’s home on Christmas? After what happened with the shtriga?” 

Dean knows true anger, near rage, for the first time in heaven, and the bitter wash of it through him is cutting and all too familiar. 

“Pretty stupid thing to do, I know, but I wasn’t even twelve yet, so I wasn’t making the wisest of decisions.”

“Not even twelve?” Mary cuts in. “Sam? Does anybody feel like explaining this to me?”

“What the hell were you thinking, Dean, anything could have—” 

But Dean had a lifetime of being plowed under by his dad’s inability to take responsibility, has had way more than enough of shouldering the blame for shit he should never have been left with in the first place.

“I was thinking that somebody should get a seven-year-old something for Christmas, should make sure he has enough to eat. Where were you, Dad? What were you thinking? Because you sure as hell weren’t thinking about us.”

That knot starts up in Dean’s throat again, the muscles tightening against the fear that blossoms in his chest, echoed from decades of training. Sam’s hand finds Dean’s arm, and Dean looks to him. Instead of the caution or reproach he’s expecting, though, all Sam simply nods. 

“Say it, Dean.”

Dean stands slowly, facing John Winchester with every bit of strength he’s built, every bit of courage he’s earned from a lifetime of terror, and realizes that the angry, bitter man before him is no more a threat to him anymore than Chuck is. And without looking, he knows Sam stands behind him, solid and resolute.

“I wasn’t even twelve. It was Christmas, and you abandoned us. Yeah, I stole Sam a Barbie doll. You know what I got for Christmas that year? The year before? Every fucking year before that for almost as long as I can remember?”

John opens his mouth, even now unable to admit his faults, but Dean barrels on before his dad can get a word out.

“Not a damn thing from you. Not one damn thing. Not presents, not food, not a warm place to sleep or a word of thanks or approval. Not even a fucking phone call to say Merry Goddamn Christmas.” Dean pauses one last time, and it suddenly feels like he’s towering over the man whose shadow always felt too dark, too large, too suffocating; the man whose respect he used to crave more than food and water. 

“What about me, Dad? Huh? What about me?”

Dean doesn’t recall leaving his parents’ house, doesn’t remember driving home, but he finds himself on his own front porch, leaning forward in his rocking chair. He takes in a long, deep breath before scrubbing his hands through hair and leaning against the back of the chair.

A breeze rifles the leaves of a nearby tree, ruffling Dean’s hair. He taps his thumb against the arm of the chair and takes a long moment to breathe in the night air. 

Dean lets his thoughts roll around for a while. The stars creep slowly across the black, the crickets chirp, and the breeze continues to tickle through Dean’s mussed hair. 

“You and I could write the book on shitty dads, am I right, kid?”

He’s not sure why he decides to talk to Jack. Just nice to have someone to talk to, knowing they’re not going to talk right back.

“Could just cut him out. Dunno how that’d work in heaven.” He thinks a moment, then grins to himself. “Not sure Mom’d let me get away with that. Sam would back me up, though.” Dean grins into the somehow not-empty night. “I would be the guy that brings a family feud into paradise, huh?”

Dean takes in the wilderness around him, the empty house at his back, the extra rocking chair for...a visitor, he supposes. He has learned today that heaven, as perfect as it is, still holds anger and bitterness and loneliness, and he figures that’s to be expected. 

“You still did good, kid. You and me, we did good even with our shitty old men in and outta our lives. Glad we cut yours out for good. Guess I’ll figure out how to deal with mine eventually. All I’ve got now is time, anyway.”

Dean pushes up slowly, still surprised at the lack of cricks, pops, and aches that accompanied the action his last couple of years on earth. 

“Night, Jack,” he says into the wind. He glances over at the empty rocking chair one last time. “If you see him, tell him —just tell him—” 

Dean frowns, shakes his head, and turns his back on the night.

…

Jake’s not a crier, not really. There are inevitable tears that come with bad falls, but Jake sheds tears like it’s a physical reaction that he’s getting out of the way so he can move on. 

So when Betty goes to change the sheets in her son’s room, only to find him silently crying on the floor, she panics. Sheets flop forgotten to the side as she drops next to his, reaching instinctively for his still-plump cheeks.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? What happened?”

“Nothing happened, Mama, I’m sorry I scared you,” he sniffles, his eyebrows down low on his small forehead. 

Jake has never lied in his entire young life, and Betty is torn because he is obviously upset about something, but his face is full of nothing but truth and confusion.

“You have nothing to apologize for, Jakey,” she says, settling on the floor next to him and opening her arms. He instantly climbs into her lap, hooking his own arms around her neck and nuzzling under her chin. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Can you tell me what made you cry?”

“I...I don’t know,” he says, his little voice quiet and heavily confused. “I was playing with Tabby, she was helping me build a tower with my blocks, and then Mommy came to get Tabby for her snack.”

Betty is stumped. Jake has never had any kind of separation anxiety, as far as she can tell. He’s spent nights with both sets of grandparents, even a couple of weekends with aunts, uncles, and cousins, and never shed so much as a single tear.

“You...are you crying because you miss Tabby? She’s right in the next room, baby, you can go with her for snack time, you know that.”

“No, Mama, I —I don’t know why I’m crying. Tabby hugged me, she said she loved me, then she went with Mommy, and I felt...really happy. Like —the happiest ever, and...it was too much happy?”

The last part comes out as a question, and honestly Betty isn’t sure how to answer it. 

“Well, baby,” she starts hesitantly, not sure where to lead this particular discussion. “Can you explain  what you mean when you say ‘too much happy’?”

He snuggles closer against her chest, his forehead pressing along her jaw. “I dunno. I think...maybe I’m not supposed to be that happy? Is that why the tears came out? Because I got more happy than I’m supposed to get? Was I wrong, Mama?”

Betty breathes slowly, tightening her hold on the little boy in her arms. “You weren’t wrong, Jake. You can be as happy as you want. There’s never too much happy, I promise.”

She feels him shift, and she looks down to meet his clear, green gaze. He studies her carefully, scrutinizing her expression, and she’s reminded why she’s always been so very careful to tell her children the truth, albeit on levels they can understand.

“You pinky promise?” 

The proffered pinky is smudged, pudgy, and absolutely perfect. Betty hooks her pinky finger with her son’s, bumping his nose gently with her own. 

“Jakey, you have my eternal permission to be as happy as you are capable of feeling. And no one is ever allowed to take that from you. Good?” He nods, and she carefully brushes the tear tracks from his cheeks. “Sometimes feelings are really big, and they’re just a little too big for your body. They have to find a way out, and that’s why the tears come out.”

“Is that why you cry when you watch the kissy movies?” he asks, suddenly smiling. “Your feelings are too big, too?”

“Yup. We’ve got big feelings in this family, Jakey. Better get used to it, kiddo.”

...

More time passes. Dean walks, he talks, he goes through the motions. He heals a little with every conversation, every time he reaches out, and even though some of the wounds feel as fresh as the day he got them, eventually all that’s left are faint scars. He’d never willingly erase the scars, anyway. He earned them, and he’ll be damned if something like a little death and talk therapy could just wipe them away.

Gradually — so gradually Dean doesn’t realize it until Donna makes a comment one night after their regular poker game — Dean learns to not only let his guard down but drop it entirely. He’s shocked to realize the loss of his emotional armor doesn’t even bother him. 

Dean works on Baby, drinks with Bobby, teaches Mary how to make an apple pie from scratch, and even manages to have a couple of honest, semi-civil conversations with his father. They don’t exactly reach Andy and Opie levels of father-son bonding, but John does eventually manage to grudgingly admit he fucked up some (a lot). Dean supposes anyone can make progress in heaven if they try hard enough. 

He’s talked to everyone he can think of, settled scores, smoothed ruffles, filled himself to bursting with absolution. Dean is so absolved he thinks he might punch the next person who pats him on the back and tells him how much good he’s done for the world.

And still, he comes home every night to that extra rocking chair. 

He waits now, waits while he talks with Sam, waits while he walks through the woods, waits while he changes Baby’s oil. He can’t shake the feeling that something is coming. He can feel it around himself, like a suit of armor or a second skin. Nothing terrible, nothing ominous, but something. Which is weird because nothing ever seems to happen in heaven, not really. 

Could be he’s just bored, but Dean doesn’t think that’s it. Not entirely.

He talks to Jack nightly now. It’s a habit, something to help Dean talk through and untangle his thoughts into something he can understand. He looks forward to their talks, being able to get his feelings out without being either validated or rebuffed. Just letting some steam off.

He’s done it for so long that he can barely remember the night he started. Dean knows Jack can hear him, but the kid’s been true to his word, stayed hands off and radio silent. He lets mortals deal with their own issues, keeping himself and the supernatural world well away. Even the angels leave people alone in heaven.

Especially the angels, Dean grudgingly admits to himself, late one night after leaving Sam’s house. Instead of going home to that extra rocking chair, he drives Baby slowly, aimlessly, yet somehow ends up back on that same bridge where he met up Sam all those years ago. 

He parks right at the end (no traffic in heaven) and strolls out to the middle, scuffing his boots and sending little puffs of dust in the air. His hands are stuffed deep in his pockets, out of habit more than anything else, and he lifts his gaze from the ground up to the full moon in the sky.

“Hey, kid,” he says softly. “Hope it’s goin good for you.Things are pretty good here. I know you know, you’re everywhere and all that,” Dean waves his hand vaguely, then continues, “Just wanted to let you know, I guess. I didn’t tell you enough, but we—I —really appreciated you. Appreciate you. You, uh...you did real good, kid. Then and now.” He pauses, then takes a breath, standing straight and letting all pretense go.“Please tell Cas...he did good, and...I miss him. And I know you’re all taking the hands-off approach, but —I dunno, maybe...he could —stop by? Or…”

The silence around Dean is heavy, comforting like a thick blanket.  

Or a tan trenchcoat, he thinks.

“Jack —“

He cuts himself off, though. He spent all this time in heaven working through rivers of bullshit, wearing down mountains of lies and self-loathing until he can finally be honest and open with everyone. And if he’s going to be honest with himself tonight, Jack isn’t who he needs to talk to.

“Sorry kid, I gotta put you on hold.”

Purgatory flashes before his eyes, that sense of loss and being lost, the desperation and certainty that he’d never see his best friend again. 

I can’t do this anymore, he thinks. I can’t pretend anymore. And I’m done lying to myself.

“Cas. Castiel. I hope you can hear me. I miss you. I don’t know where you are. Bobby said you were here, that you helped remake this place into something pretty damned awesome, but I never see you. I can feel you sometimes, can tell some things are up here just because you put ‘em there. Someone will tell a story, and I swear I can feel you standing right beside me, can almost hear you frowning and not understanding the joke. I…”

He knows there’s something left —knows he hasn’t found the right words yet. He has no idea what that right thing is, or even what he’s still waiting for, but he figures if he just barrels on, it’ll come to him. 

“There was too much in the way, back on earth, in Purgatory. Too much always coming after us, trying to kill us or worse. I got in my own damned way, never knew what to say or how to say it. Didn’t think I deserved...I should’ve…”

He’s not sure what’s more bizarre, that he’s praying to someone who probably won’t respond — probably can’t even hear him — or that he’s doing so in a place wildly opposite from that last time he prayed like this. 

Dean isn’t sure how he keeps ending up in this situation, but here he is, gasping out his feelings to the night air, barely able to squeeze the words past that perpetual knot in his throat. 

“It’s a lot clearer up here, more room to breathe and think. This heaven you and Jack made...it’s great. Hell, it’s damn near perfect. But there’s no you. And I just can’t see my heaven as right without you. I can’t...I can’t take my forever if you’re not in it.”

A wispy cloud, silver in the moonlight, drifts across an otherwise flawless sky. Dean stares upwards for several minutes, wondering if Cas can see the same stars tonight, wherever he is. 

“Maybe...I don’t know if you can come back. Or if you even left. I don’t know how any of it works.”

He’s on the cusp. He can almost taste the next step. 

Dean’s at a loss, though. He could be brave: he could say everything he should’ve said in that last moment, everything he should have told Cas. 

Or he could take the comfortable path, revert to being a dick and tell Cas exactly how he feels about all this silent treatment, about the no-show in heaven or not telling him about his deal with the Empty until it was too late, about waiting until the last second so Dean would have no time—

Or he could do both. 

Both is good.

Metal railings squeak under Dean’s punishing grip. He’s not sure when he grabbed hold of the bridge itself, but right now he needs all the support he can get.

“You left me! You should have told me, given me a chance. Another chance, just one more. I’m sorry, Cas, I knew but I didn’t. I— I should’ve told you, should’ve held you, I could have—“

The tears flow unimpeded, the air squeezed from his lungs in convulsive gasps, but Dean can’t stop now.

“I should have told you everything I felt, every day. I should have trusted you more, and I’m so sorry. You were always family, you were always there for me when I needed you. We both fucked up so many times, lost so much time together. I was so angry at you, at me, at everyone and everything, and I let it get in the way.”

The silence around him is maddening. Here he is, ripping his guts out in the middle of the bridge, and all he gets back is crickets and evening breezes. Dean shoves off the railing, too frantic to stay still.

“Gimme something, Cas, anything! I’m pouring my heart out! I fucked up, and I’m sorry, and I swear I’m gonna do better, but you’ve gotta give me the chance! Just...just give me some sort of answer, please? Let me know you’re there!”

The silence persists. 

Just as quickly as Dean’s rage crescendos, it fizzles suddenly. He drops to the ground, back and head slamming hard against the side of the bridge as he lets out a roar of helpless rage. His fists grip his hair, teeth grinding against the wave of helplessness that threatens to overwhelm him.

“I missed my chance, I waited too long, I should’ve said— I should have—“

And then it comes to him.

His hands draw down from his hair, scrubbing his face before steepling his fingers in front of his mouth. He can’t believe it’s taken him this long to realize. 

“I’m an idiot.” His voice is barely audible, even to his own ears, but he has no doubt his words will reach their intended destination. “This place you built, you and Jack, it’s as good as it gets. I deserve it, I earned it. I got my family, I got the easy life for a while. I got my family. I had my rest. There’s only one thing left in the universe I need, only one person I want.”

Dean stands, dusting himself off and turning his face back up to the stars. 

“I’m ready, Cas. I— I love you. And I’m ready for the next thing. Whatever that is. However that is. As long as—”

One last pause.

“As long as you’re there, that’s all I need.”

...

The inevitable day of separation comes: Jake’s first day of kindergarten. Samantha is proud of her guardian warrior, knows he’s going to succeed at everything he puts his little bullheaded mind to. Betty hopes very hard that he won’t be too lonely without Tabitha there with him. Tabitha only knows that Jake’s finger tastes good and makes her gums feel better when she chews on it.

Jake, as always, approaches this monumental step with aplomb and logic. 

“I’ll give it a shot,” he says casually as his little sister gnaws on his thumb. “An’ if I don’t like it, I’ll just stay here and take care of Tabby. You an’ Mommy can go to work, then, ‘kay, Mama? I can make nut butter n’ jelly sammiches. But I’ll try it out.”

...

School isn’t so bad, Jake decides on his second day. His teacher Mrs. Harris seems to know what she’s doing (she already knows who she can trust with scissors and glue), and the other kids are nice enough. There’s different toys (“learning tools”, Mrs. Harris calls them), so that’s interesting enough, but—

Something is missing.

“Can you tell me what you mean, Jakey?” Betty asks at dinner that night. “Are there supplies you need? We got everything on the list.” She wipes a smear of sweet potato off Tabitha’s face before looking back to her son. His mouth is turned down in a frown of concentration, like he’s trying to remember something.

“I don’t need anything, Mama, just...someone. I need someone. My friend hasn’t come to school yet.”

“It takes time to make friends, baby,” Samantha says. “It’s only the second day of school. Have you tried asking anyone to play yet?”

“Yeah, and they’re fun and all, but they aren’t my friend. My friend isn’t here yet,” Jake says. Then his frown vanishes with the sudden mood change of a five-year-old, and he turns beseeching eyes on Betty, aiming unerringly at the softer target. “I finished my green beans. That means dessert now, right, Mama?”

Jake decides on the third day that the best place to wait for his friend (he just knows he’s going to show up any day now) is the playground.

“My friend likes the playground,” he murmurs. “That’s good, I like the playground, too.” He eats his lunch slowly, watching the other kids wolf down their food so they can have extra playtime. He’s barely finished his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, though, when he’s distracted by movement on the other side of the play yard. The door to the school opens and the school secretary steps out. Then she turns and gently pulls someone out from behind her.

A small boy stands in the doorway, white shirt tucked neatly into black slacks. His blue tie is a little loose, as if he’s been tugging on it, and his tan jacket is a little too big, hanging loosely around his small frame. His hair looks like someone was in too much of a rush to comb it properly. He clutches a pink piece of paper in one hand and, in the other, a backpack inexplicably decorated with flying, winged slices of pizza. 

“Late drop-off, parent had to run,” the secretary tells Mrs. Harris before tiptoeing out of the room. 

With an anxious glance at the other children, the boy scuttles forward and immediately trips over his own untied shoelaces.

Jake is at the little boy’s side before anyone else can react, kneeling down to check on him. The prone child is too shocked to cry, both by the fall and by the sudden appearance of this unknown factor. Jake checks him over, then nudges him until he sits up. 

“You gotta keep ‘em double tied,” Jake says seriously. “Or else that’ll happen all the time.” Without waiting for an answer, Jake sets about the laborious task of looping each set of laces in turn, rabbits chasing each other around trees and down holes until the shoes are secure.

Jake climbs to his feet and reaches down, gripping the other boy’s shoulders and helping him stand. A dark smear of jelly stains the shoulder of the coat in the shape of a smudged purple handprint.

“Thank...thank you,” the smaller boys whispers. He lifts his eyes hesitantly, and clear blue meets olive green for the first time. “I’m Chris.”

“I’m Jake.” He thinks for a long moment, frowning. Something is settling in his chest, something big and permanent and scary; at first he thinks it’s too much. 

Then he thinks back to what Mama told him: you can be as happy as you want. 

He smiles at Chris. “You’re with me. You’re the one I was waiting for.”

Hope and just a bit of delight flicker across Chris’s eager face. 

“I am? You mean it?”

Jake nods and grabs his new friend’s hand. “Yep. Now you’re here, that’s all I need. And nobody's allowed to take you from me, Mama said so. C’mon, let’s play cars.”

[nctzendreamz]

off the table — lee taeyong

genre: angst w/ hints of fluff.

warnings: language, mentions of drug abuse, and mental illness.

featuring: nct members + chan and felix from stray kids.

authors note: taeyong was perfect for this in my head. also, thank you ariana grande.

is love completely off the table?

will I ever love the same way again? will I ever love somebody like the way I did you?

it had been almost a year. almost a year since he had heard your laugh. you know, the one only he was capable of getting out of you. it was gentle, yet so vibrant that it could color even the most plain and unpleasant rooms. he had seen you do it a million times, but his favorite work of art of yours was the one you did on his heart.

obviously, he couldn’t see what the inside of him looked like. but he could feel it. before he met you, he was certain everything was pitch black. to be specific, the darkest shade of the night sky one could possible fathom. so much pain resided in him. some he brought to himself, some he did nothing to earn. regardless, it was there, and as anybody with demons did, he found coping methods.

that’s how he met you, actually. holed up a strip club he had no business being in. one, because there was no one here he truly wanted. he would never admit it outloud, but the thought of love warmed him. not much, but it did. more than silly one night stands that have soul ties no one wanted to keep.

you were clearly out of place in the building filled with the scent of marijuana and flashing lights, although it did perfectly consume your complexion in the most beautiful way. he observed you for what felt like hours, just admiring you. he had no idea he would want to do this for the rest of his life.

it didn’t take much liquid courage for him to approach you. he could sense your fear when his slender fingers touched your exposed shoulder. for some reason though, the minute your eyes locked it was as if you were looking at someone you had known for a million lifetimes. or maybe that was just Taeyong’s point of view. maybe, everything was all an illusion. meeting you. falling in love with you. you falling in love with him.

“it’s been awhile.” a voice snaps Taeyong out of his deep thinking. the minute his concentration breaks does his surroundings suddenly blast into the center of his cortex. the volume increases. he is in the real world again. he isn’t high, yet.

“yeah.” is all he can spit out. all of the different coversations he could hear take place all of a sudden was making him extremely frustrated and unable to form coherent thoughts. or maybe he wanted it that way so he wouldn’t have to think about you.

you loved coming here. he hated coming here. but he loved you, and your favorite thing to say to him was, “when you love someone, you do things you hate. just like me sitting and watching you smoke for hours without stopping.”

he never realized how much you hated his distractions.

the here, was a restaurant that resembled a sports bar back where you are from. the food was less Korean and more greasy chicken tenders. and you really admired their honey mustard. it was kind of ridiculous how much you loved this place. it was always crowded. the smell was odd - a mixture of people who can’t seem to do anything but drink beer and yell, and foreigners who hated living in Korea. this was the only taste of home they got, so they took advantage of it.

did you feel that way too?

he doesn’t know. and he doesn’t want to think about it. some soccer game was on. people were cheering. he was just waiting on his to-go order.

“how have you been?” the familiar woman asks behind the counter. she was definitely in her mid-50’s. he assumed. she always would be here when Taeyong was dragged along, and she was always nice. who wouldn’t be with all the money you gave to this place.

“i’ve been fine.”

taeyong feels a little cheery conversating with another human. if it wasn’t his dealer, there wasn’t anything to say if he was being quite honest. his relationship with his family died out a long time ago. the only person that he could talk to was himself. the guys who were constantly down in the basement at his dealer were cool, but they never really got him. they thought he was weird, violent. only you cared enough to see how sweet he was. to paint him.

“good to hear. you tell your lover that i miss them!”

his heart, still colored from the mention of you, breaks. it had broken many times from your presence on this earth being acknowledged. everytime his chest would explode into his stomach.

he couldn’t say anything.

he simply walks out the place, not caring about manners. he just wants to go home. he doesn’t even like these fucking chicken tenders, but he’s going to go home and eat them. in your honor.

“excuse me.” a voice exclaims as he finally makes it outside.

once again, words don’t leave his mouth. the woman was probably lost. he truthfully didn’t care. he didn’t care about anything anymore.

“sorry,” she begins. her hair is almost a white color. it’s clearly dyed, but she might have been naturally a darker shade of blonde since the coloring seemed too perfect. “i just...i’ve been watching you - wait, that sounds incredible creepy—“

no one could compare to you, but she reminded him of you. you always did this when you were nervous, or had a severe lack of sleep. you would say things you considered to be silly. fumble with your words. and you would always ruin it more by acknowledging it.

but he was never irritated. he thought it was the cutest thing in the entire world. you were the cutest thing in the entire world.

even now, he’s okay. maybe because he was reminded of you, he can appreciate the art.

“you’re really cute.” she finally spits out.

he couldn’t respond, for the third time today.

why was this so hard? it has almost been a fucking year. a year without you. a year without touching you.

yet, no one could ever compare. not the blonde woman standing in front of him. not the sky. not the stupid bar. even his drugs seemed lackluster to the high you gave him whenever you told him you loved him.

he walks away. he needs something. something to make him unable to think for the rest of the night.

never thought you’d be so damn hard to replace. i swear I don’t mean to be this way, if I can’t have you? is love completely off the table?

“y/n? you there?” you feel vibrations from snapping on your face from the man sitting beside you. he snapped three times, to be exact.

“yeah! yes.” you quickly correct, adjusting your posture along with it.

“i know you appreciate the arts, but that painting is nothing to stare at.”

the painting chan was referring to, seemed plain to a simple eye. it simply, was a black square. but you saw worlds in it. you saw him.

“you know christopher,” you cooed, giving his slim cheek a quick sqeeze before continuing, “just because something seems boring to the naked eye, doesn’t mean it actually is. sometimes, a simple work of art such as that lame black square can hold a thousand meanings.”

he smile is radiant. honestly, the neon colored walls in the movie theater couldn’t compare to it no matter how hard it tried. lately, you had been trying to predict what he would say when you tried to be somewhat of substance around him. you were truthfully scared of boring him.

maybe you saw yourself in the black square as well.

“you really find it interesting, love?”

his accent - God his accent. it had an effect on you that truthfully wasn’t healthy, but even so you always felt guilty when your heart would papilate as it touched your eardrums. but why? you were single. you were moving on.

you can’t even look at him anymore, so you settle on the painting once more. now that you think about it, it was kind of scary that it was in a movie theater. maybe chan was on to something - what was its purpose? to simply cause you pain? to make you think about things and people you could no longer have? a person who is the worst possible thing for your growth, but the best food for your pitiful, lonely soul?

“never mind, you’re right.” you stand promptly, suddenly wanting to get as far away from the evil on the wall. it didn’t matter how chilly it was outside.

“woah.” chan chases after you. you’re too quick though. you’ve practically swam through the crowd to escape into fresh air. what is wrong with you?

it doesn’t take long for you to find yourself at his car. his pride and joy by the way, in which he never let anyone else ride in yet. he had been saving for so long to get it. you didn’t know the model, all you knew was that it made loud noises when he wanted it to. the car was originally white, but the two of you agreed that it was the worse possible color for a car, so he got a paint job and now it was as black as a dark hole.

the stars are beaming, and it’s odd. you used to love nights like this. you preferred the day time, but it was something about a light in the dark, such as the moon that pulled you in. it always destroyed you in the end though.

“what did I do?” his voice snaps you out of your thoughts.

“huh?” you wizzle in confusion, not understanding why he believed he had done anything but gave you a peaceful night not lost in your thoughts.

his eyes tell you everything you need to know before his mouth does. he isn’t questioning your ever changing emotions and happiness to hear satisfaction from your mouth - to boost his ego. he truly feels as if he’s ruined any chance he’s had with you simply from being himself. even so, as he waits for you to answer he’s taking his bomber jacket off for you to wear. he was sweet like that.

“chris, you are always perfect. why would you think anything different?” you say as you put the jacket on.

he’s holding back a smile, but you can tell it’s more so from your proper word choice, and not what you said.

“you trying to sound English?”

“no.” you giggle, pushing his shoulder lightly. “I’m just trying to communicate with you.”

“then tell the truth.” he prompts, taking a step closer to you.

“can I lean on the car?”

“yes.” he laughs in a low tone. “you can lean on the car.”

“okay.”

“okay.”

silence is filling the air, and it’s making you sick even though it shouldn’t be.

“y/n.” he finally speaks. you decide you have the balls to look at him even though it feels so wrong. the stars - they’re sparkling right into his eyes and you know you are the dumbest idiot on earth.

why can’t you just choose him?

the question is repeating over and over in your head, but no answer comes. well, no answer you want to hear comes. this should’ve been easy money. the perfect guy, with a good family and solid morals is madly in love with you. he’s still here, even when you barely give him anything to work with, and you’re thinking about others who were nothing close to that no matter how they made you feel.

“my confession ruined everything, didn’t it?”

it was about two months ago that chan confessed his love for you. you laughed a bit, as it made no sense. the two of you had been in the same circle for awhile, and you had been notified of his appreciation for you long ago, but he had seen you break. he watched you go from happy soul to broken and he still liked you? in what world?

you enjoyed his company. that’s why you began to hang out with him practically everyday - doing whatever you two wanted. most of the time you two just watched movies, or played silly board games. but sometimes you would go shopping, or he would play you his music he worked on. you could tell he lacked confidence on what he could become, but you knew he had the potential to be so great.

his confession was short and sweet. and the way he approached you, you could tell he was somewhat confident that you would feel the same. you did feel the same, but you also still had feelings for others. when you declined his request to take things to the next level, he didn’t get upset. or at the least he didn’t show it.

he promised the two of you would move at your pace. and that was all you needed to hear to know that maybe one day, when you got yourself together, the two of you could be something.

chan always protected you. you never felt endangered, or unsafe when you were with him. to you, he was sweet, to others he was still sweet, but he knew when to be stern.

“no. i promise.” is all you answer. “it’s cold.” here you go again trying to change the subject. this wasn’t like you.

he promptly unlocks the door to his car, opening it for you as well. it isn’t long before he’s on the drivers side turning on the car so you could feel some heat on your body.

“i won’t bring it up anymore.” he sighs.

“no chris. you bring it up everytime you feel it. i like you, okay? i do. i know I’ve never said it out loud before, but I do. i just...i don’t know what I’m doing right now. there are some things I have to get over you know?”

you can tell the amount of words you used - probably the most you had spoken to him in months shocked him, and made him feel extremely guilty. you know he didn’t want you to feel like he was trying to pressure you. all he wanted to have was something. something that made him feel as special as he knew you had made others feel in the past.

“y/n I’m a fucking idiot. God, don’t listen to me. you are perfect okay? we are working at your pace and we always will. i - fuck.” his face goes directly in his hands.

it’s cute - the way he cares about his every move around you so deeply. you remember what it felt like to feel like that. it was the most nerve wracking, yet butterfly giving thing to experience when around someone you admired so much.

“chris...” you whisper, removing his face from his palms. he had the softest hands ever. “hey, don’t beat yourself up okay? i know what you want and I know you have nothing but the purest intentions. if I didn’t feel that way I wouldn’t want to spend everyday with you okay? whatever you think this is, it is. i promise.”

“okay.” he sighs the biggest breath of relief you had heard in a long time. “okay. i know what we need.” he offers. your hand lingered on his, and he decided it would be best to hold yours as the opportunity presented itself. it’s nice - the warmness. yet, it feels incredibly wrong.

you truly didn’t mean to be this way. you would do anything to not be this way.

“let’s go cop something from felix. hm?”

what chan was reffering to was the good ole’ mean green, weed. you smoked a lot more in the past than you did now, but you were still no angel. especially tonight did getting high sound like the best decision you could have made.

“yes please.” you say without hesitation, leaning back in the seat. your left hand is still in chan’s right, and you don’t plan on letting go. felix’s house isn’t that far from here, so you know your pleasure will be coming sooner or later. chan starts the car and begins the journey. usually, the two of you drive with music on, but tonight the silence was what the both of you wanted.

secretly though, chan snuck his AirPod into his left ear. he loved music, but he could tell you weren’t in the mood. and he didn’t mind that. he would do anything for you. the lyrics resonated with his with his soul so much that he felt it ache, even though he felt he had no right.

i’ll wait for you

even if I always feel like I’ll be number two

to someone you can’t hold anymore

taeyong can’t even recall how long he had been pent up here, high as hell. intoxicated as fuck. the chicken tender meal he brought had been long gone, but not from his mouth. the junkies smelt food, and took food like the animals they claimed to be.

this all sucked so bad. he hated being here. but he couldn’t move.

it was so loud in here. the boys he knew - johnny, mark, and jaehyun were all present. they seemed to be the leaders of the basement and they also seemed to be functioning quite well considering how high they also were. taeyong couldn’t fathom or make out what their conversation were, but he assumed it was about girls. he caught, “they’re supposed to be here any minute now.” from jaehyun’s lip. he seemed to be the strongest ladies man. all taeyong knew, was that he wanted no parts of the drug induced orgy he knew was going to take place. he also knew if he didn’t leave, they didn’t care. they were going to give a show regardless.

“taeyong!” johnny yells, bringing him back to focus. johnny was always very intimidating. he wore a smile when he got what he wanted, but if he spoke to you and you didn’t listen, he quickly got upset. maybe he was different when he was sober, but that was never.

“what’s up.” taeyong answers dryly, still not looking at him.

“you know,” johnny sits down in the dirty floor right beside him. “you’ve never been fun, but you were more fun before than you are now.”

“i went through this phase.” mark interrupts, taking the seat on taeyong’s opposite side. “what is it? mommy issues? a girl? or a boy? if you get spicy like that.” he chuckles. he coughs right after.

“how about everything. except the last part.” taeyong whispers.

“oh...you have it rough. was your mom a druggie too?”

“no - well, I don’t know. i met her like once when I was younger. she told me ‘i did it for your good’ and left.”

“so you were in a foster home? or did you get adopted?”

“foster home. neglected, so now I’m like this.” he chuckles. he’s laughing, but in reality to admit these things out loud hurt, even though he was sure the other boys had similar or worse stories.

“and the girl?” mark asks. he had began to roll up another blunt in the midst of taeyong’s life story. maybe it was too much for him. or maybe he was just an addict.

“i cheated. and i was mean. she was the best thing ever though. she got me clean.”

“for what? a day?” johnny laughs outloud.

“well, not clean clean.” he explains. “but off the hard stuck like coke, and lsd and shit. we both smoked weed. and I smoked cigs.”

“ew!” the two of them exclaim. “cigs?”

“so you’re telling me that the two of you do every drug under the sun, but cigarettes are where you draw the line?”

“duh!”

“have you seen all the commercials? with the person with the hole in their throat sounding like the old shriveled lady from spongebob going ‘chocolate!’ we don’t want that!”

“cigarettes aren’t the only thing that can cause that, you know?”

“whatever.” johnny shivers as if he had just gotten the worse news ever. “so this girl wasn’t a druggie? why did she even like you?”

“i don’t know. still to this day I don’t know. but she did. and she tried everything to make me happy. it just felt too good to be true, so I ruined it.”

“damn bro.” mark sighs, taking a deep puff of his blunt. “i thought people only did stupid shit like that in the movies or tv shows.”

“hey hey now, markie.” a voice speaks out of the corner. “be nice to our new friend.”

it’s jaehyun. funny enough, jaehyun tried to get at you once long before you met taeyong, but you had no interest in him once you found out his issues. then again, while he was attracted to you, he didn’t want you to love him. he just wanted to corrupt you.

“our boy is broken hearted. seems to me like he just needs some fun.”

“relax, jae.” johnny explains. “he’s not there yet. let him fall for us on his time.”

“what are you on right now?” jaehyun inspects.

“just a couple of blunts.”

“so just a starter?”

“hyung...” mark sighs.

“okay okay. fine. but when the heartbreak starts to kick in more, i got something that’ll change your life. you just let me know.”

“he will.” johnny and mark say once again in unison.

“boys!” a voice yells. it makes everyone stand up minus taeyong, as he had no idea who it was. he can hear feet coming down the steps. there’s a boy with blonde hair. the same boy who let him in. he was a new face, but clearly an important one from the way even jaehyun was waiting for his comment.

“hi felix!” everyone begins to repeat after eachother.

his voice is deep as he speaks, and his accent is thick. his face itself may have not been scary, but the way he carried himself was.

“clean up this fucking mess. i know you can’t do anything about the shitty couches, but make an attempt. i got some good people coming over and I need quiet. when I bring them down here to show them the product, i need everyone on their best behavior.”

“what exactly does that mean?” taeyong speaks. maybe he shouldn’t have, because everyone is looking at him as if he just called the president a bitch to his face or something.

“you’re new here.” felix explains as he finishes his strut down the stairs. he can be seen more clearly now, and his outfit reminds taeyong of someone you knew. he couldn’t remember his name, but it was chan or something. “well, new to me.”

“and?”

“and...” felix crouches to his level. “im the boss. and all of you do what I say. my brother ran this like a crackhouse. i want us to make some real money, therefore you all will be getting cleaned up. there will be people coming in and out, looking at what we have, so try not to act like the druggie you are. thanks.”

“yes sir.” taeyong says, although he has no intentions of respecting this felix cat.

the doorbell rings promptly. the house wasn’t so big that they wouldn’t be able to hear. clearly this felix had plans to change that, but for now he had to settle.

“that’ll be them. look like friends so they won’t be scared. they’re not like us. or, what you will be.”

with that he leaves. everyone is silent as they want to know who exactly is this person. they all expected some rich man with a million connections to be at the door. they hear one voice - an accent is present. he’s laughing, and they hear the sound of them dapping up.

“friend.” the voice says. they must have not seen each other in a long while. “what’s up? how have you been?”

“oh, I’ve never been better.” felix says. “and y/n.”

the sound of your name makes taeyong’s heart stop in his chest. what the? how could you of all people be here? you hated drugs. this was clearly a trap house. this is where taeyong would go to get everything you wanted, but you always refused to go with him. what male had you here?

jaehyun is smiling as he recognizes your name too. taeyong can’t notice though as he is genuinely about to have a panic attack.

“come downstairs will you? since chan told me it was a special occasion, I decided I’d let you two take a look.”

“felix...are you running a trap house?” you joke, not realizing how true your words were.

“not at all, sweets.” he relaxes you. “i just have good shit from my brother that needs to be sold. this is our little secret though.”

“we know.” chan answers for you. “snitches get stitches.”

“and end up in ditches.” felix finishes. “there are people down here, but they’re just chilling. don’t be scared.”

the three of you make your way down to the basement. jaehyun is the first face you recognize. you feel sick, but he didn’t phase you that much.

the black haired boy though, sandwiched between two other guys, makes your trip and fall on the disgusting floor.

it’s him. it’s really him.

why? all you wanted to do was have fun. all you wanted to do was forget him.

you can see in his eyes does he want to explode. but this was his fault. this was all his fault.

to be continued...