#for as painstaking this was to do I am pretty proud of how it turned out

[rhyssands]

june 09 - the price of freedom

prompt: festival rating: g wordcount: 2,079 characters: Asriel, Papyrus, Sans warnings: past character death prompt from this post, read it on ao3 here

——

"Careful, Papyrus."

The young skeleton precariously balancing himself on the curb as he walks down the street ahead of him glances over his shoulder.

"I am being very careful, brother!" He says, stubbornly, fluttering his fingers to emphasize his outstretched arms, "I have excellent balance!"

Asriel can only sigh out a laugh, shaking his head, a gesture that goes totally unseen by his littlest sibling as the boy has already returned his attention to his painstaking tightrope-walk along the sidewalk curb on their way up the street.

At his side, his other little brother, Sans, chuckles and says, "Yeah, somebody in the family has to make up for how often Azzy trips. May as well be you, Paps."

He scoffs in mock offense, chucking Sans' chin. The teenager snickers and doesn't fight the affectionate gesture, instead stepping a little closer so he can bump his hip against him.

For a second, Asriel is tempted to hip-check him in return for the tripping comment, but he decides against it. Sans' HP has gone up with regular food and regular healing from Mom, but it's still in the single digits. He can't afford to be careless.

Moreover, it's entirely too likely that Sans would dodge him.

Instead, he wraps an arm around Sans' shoulders and tugs him closer. "Brat," He says, fondly, "I knew I should have traded you for a water sausage."

Papyrus stops ahead of them, gasping, and spins on the curb. "Excuse you!" He says, pointing directly at Asriel, "Sans is worth at least three water sausages!"

"I'd have said two," Sans says, unperturbed, "But thanks, Paps."

Papyrus nods very seriously and turns back around, attention once again on his tightrope-walking practice. "Of course, brother."

And then he's walking away.

Asriel huffs a laugh, shaking his head again. Sans and Papyrus joining the family has been nothing if not interesting — Mom and Dad took his two new little brothers in when Papyrus was still only a toddler and Sans was a world-weary, distrustful 7-year-old. It's taken a long time to get where they are now, where Sans lets casual touch even from strangers ride without so much as a side-eye, and makes terrible puns with their mom and at everyone else all day long.

(There was a time, not really all that long ago to Asriel, where Sans would flinch if you even motioned vaguely in his direction like you wanted to touch him. And there was a time, even more recently, where Sans would rather stand silently a little behind and to the right of Papyrus at all times, eagle-eyed and watching dutifully to ensure nothing ever threatens his baby brother. The fact that he doesn't do either anymore unless he's had a supremely bad few days is no small thing. Asriel is so, so proud of him.)

"So," He says, instead of getting into any of that out loud. There's no point in making Sans uncomfortable by getting overly sentimental about something that probably doesn't even matter to him. "Anything in particular you're excited for this year?"

"Hear there's gonna be somebody with star charts," Sans answers, nestling a little closer to his side, "And G's gonna be there. I'm anticipating having a pretty stellar time."

Asriel groans on principle, a sound that's echoed with great feeling by Papyrus ahead of them. Sans snickers, but doesn't torture them with further puns.

Instead, he says, "Genuinely excited for the star charts. And seeing G again. He's never around anymore."

Humming, Asriel gives him a gentle squeeze. There's no point trying to comfort him outright about how far Gaster has pulled away in the last few years. Between the teenage angst and the fact that Sans is still startlingly allergic to sentimentality after all these years, it just wouldn't go over particularly well.

Sans wraps an arm around his waist to squeeze him back, only letting go after a sustained squeeze in order to slip his hand back into the front pocket of his hoodie. When Asriel glances down at him, the teenager is grinning and staring mildly ahead of them. His gaze lifts, and Asriel follows it.

They're getting close to the main street of the city, now, and from here he can see the festival lights strung up between the streetlamps and traffic lights. He can hear music now, too, although Sans probably can't.

"Okay," Asriel says, raising his voice a little in hopes of getting Papyrus' attention as well.

The boy stops on a dime, of course, recognizing his tone and immediately turning to show he's listening. He also falls back to walk with them instead of ahead of them. Sans, for his part, only tilts his head up and to the side, looking at him from the corner of his eye. That's fine, he just wanted to know he had their attention.

"I'm gonna go visit Chara." He tells the boys, and before either can get frustrated about being dragged off to visit the grave of a dead sibling they never even met, he continues, "Sans, that means you're in charge until I get back. You're old enough to run around without me for an hour or so.

He doesn't tell him to keep an eye on his brother, or to make sure to keep his phone turned up. Mom or Dad may well have fussed, but Asriel knows better. Telling Sans to keep an eye on Paps is moot, and the little asshole may always answer with a bad pun, but he always answers his phone unless it's dead. Reminding him to do either thing would just sour his good mood, and there's no point doing that to him.

(Which is kind of why Asriel isn't dragging he or Papyrus along to visit Chara. Just because it's part of his tradition during the Freedom Festival every year doesn't mean it needs to be part of theirs. All it'll do is bum them out. He's learned that lesson the hard way in the past, and he usually saves his visit to Chara for later as a result.)

"Okay," Sans says, easy as anything. He seems to straighten up a little, though, and there's the slightest little hint of that mask-like grin turning genuine. Asriel probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't been the one to help Sans train his own creepy face-reading abilities. "Meet you by Temmie's shop in an hour, then?"

"Sure, meet you there, bud." He says, pausing to give him a noogie that Sans patiently allows for approximately ten seconds before he's swatting his hand away.

"You don't want us to come with you?" Papyrus asks, with wide, bright eyes.

His voice sounds like he's trying very hard not to be upset about this development, and Asriel would bet money on him thinking he's done something wrong. Or, equally likely, that Papyrus had already prepared himself for a visit to Chara and now that he's not being forced to tag along he's not sure what to do with himself. Most likely is that it's both things at once.

"You can if you want," Asriel tells him, shrugging, "I just figured you guys would like to spend a little time just the two of you this year. Preview for when Sans is old enough to chaperone you all by himself."

At that, Papyrus perks right up. "Oh! Yes, that would be fun! Erm. Not that we don't like going to the festival with you, brother..."

"It's okay, Papyrus, I know what you meant." He assures him.

They hit the Main Street sidewalk, the festival opening up in front of them, and Papyrus seems to forget all about the conversation they were just having as he perks up, looking around in wonderment. Asriel chuckles, watching as the boy makes big moony eyes at one of the food stalls.

Sans snickers, gently shouldering Asriel out of his way so he can wrap an arm around his little brother's shoulders and escort him over to exactly that stall. He waves over his shoulder, and Asriel waves back.

And then he walks himself over to Grillby's stall.

Grillby says nothing, but the moment he sees him he crackles softly and pulls a tied grocery bag from under his counter. Asriel accepts it when it's offered, laying some gold on the counter that he knows Grillby won't ask him for but also won't refuse if he offers.

(Grillby knows he takes his spoils to Chara's grave. He knows half the order is technically for them, though they won't eat it. He refuses to charge Asriel for it, but he can't and won't stop Asriel from paying him anyway.)

On his way down Main Street, he waves and smiles and makes small talk, but no one stops him to talk for longer than a couple of seconds. Most of the monsters here are a good deal younger than he is, don't know him as well as some of their passed-on family members did once upon a time, but his annual pilgrimage to Chara's grave is as much a part of the Freedom Festival to most of them as the actual festivities. He's done it every single year of their lives, at least once per festival.

At the very center of town, surrounded now by festival tents and food stalls and games, is the Monster Embassy. Out front is a statue of the royal family as it was a hundred years ago, with Chara tucked up against Asriel's side, immortalized in stone.

In the center of the Embassy is a garden, private and small, with a headstone amidst a field of flowers, a red gem in the shape of a soul set into it. Dad tends the flowers daily, and Asriel drops by a few times a month to clean any dirt and grime off the headstone.

Tonight, there's already a slice of butterscotch-cinnamon pie waiting, and a cup of still-steaming black tea.

Asriel folds himself down onto the ground in front of the headstone, crossing his legs and untying his bag of goodies. He sets one of Grillby's burgers next to the pie, and pulls the other into his lap.

"Hey, Chara." He greets. Who knows if they still linger here all these years later or not. "Happy hundred and fourteenth freedom day."

His smile feels bittersweet on his face as he says it. That's not unusual — their death hurts less, these days, but it still aches that they had to die in order for this to be possible.

He sits there for his usual hour or so of time, eating his burger and telling Chara about how things are going so far this year.

He tells them about how Sans is on track to graduate high school as the valedictorian of his class, and how Papyrus is getting taller, finally, and looks like he'll be taller than Sans in a few years. He tells them about what Dad is up to, and how he and Mom are looking rougher and rougher as the years pass. He tells them he thinks he might be King by the end of the decade, and he's not sure he's ready for it.

He tells them he misses them, that he wishes they were here although he knows they'd be dead by now anyway because their natural human lifespan would have ended a couple of decades ago. He tells them that he loves them and he'll be back to see them again tomorrow.

He's not expecting them to talk back, and they don't, but he feels better knowing they've been updated.

Whether they're lingering or not, he doesn't want to leave them in the dark. On the very slim chance they've stuck around for a hundred and fourteen years, he wants them to know that they're still loved and that they still matter.

The last thing he does before he leaves is thank them.

And then he gathers his trash, leaving the food and drink offerings where they are, and heaves himself off the ground with a grunt. He takes his time leaving the Embassy. Sans and Papyrus know that when he says 'an hour' he usually means 'somewhere between one hour and two', so they're probably just now getting to Temmie's anyway.

It's dark out when he gets back outside in the open air of the festival. He looks at the wide open sky and the twinkling stars high above him and he hopes Chara can see them, wherever they are.

[magicicephoenix]

Merry (late) Christmas and Happy Holidays!

(featuring my AUs)

[gallickingun]

Hi I saw that thirsts were open and ✨oh boy✨ I would let Tsukishima Kei degrade me to hell with no remorse ✌🏻

tw: degradation; “sir”; dacryphilia; after-care because i am weak and need to be told im pretty; also a little bit of praise but not necessarily praise kink lol;

ps, reminder that ~drabble~ requests are OPEN! this includes sfw/nsfw for bnha, haikyuu, dragon ball, avatar, or jujutsu kaisen!

Your chin wobbles and your eyes look like glass, your fragility projected in your sweet little irises. Tsukishima smirks, tugging his lower lip into his mouth by his canine tooth, “What are you crying for? I’m giving you exactly what you asked for.” 

The plush of your ass is red, throbbing with welts and begging for mercy. You grit your teeth and try to keep your muscles from flexing too much, the pain rippling through you with each small movement. You dig your head into the pillow so you don’t have to look over your shoulder at his condescending tawny gaze, almost like he is glowering down at you for having the audacity to take up the same space, even though you two have shared this apartment for nearly a year.

“I should give you something to cry about,” he licks his lips and digs the heel of his palm into the small crevice between your shoulder blades, shoving your chest down into the mattress. 

To accent his words, he grips your hip with the hand not preoccupied with pinning you to the sheets, blunt nails dug harshly into your skin until he’s left evidence of his presence behind. A sob rips from your lungs, but is muffled by the down of the pillow you stifle yourself with. Tsukishima huffs out a snicker and resumes his relentless pace, each slap of his hips against your ass reminding you of how harsh his hands were mere moments prior.

“K-Kei,” you garble his name, drool seeping from the curve of your lips as you whine, trying to move your hips to no avail, his iron grip on your waist unwavering. Another smack is slashed across your backside and you still your body, squinting out tears, soaking the pillow beneath you.

You feel the uncharacteristically soft plush of his lips press to your shoulder, and your body relaxes under the administration of the affections. It is but a quick reprieve before his harsh, calloused palms and biting words make their return. 

A cry parts your lips when Tsukishima’s middle finger presses against the small bundle of nerves at the apex of your hips, ruthless in his ministrations. You warn him through driveled words that you’re going to make a mess on him, that you’re going to unravel if he continues to touch you like this. You’re not sure if you’re speaking coherently, but it’s all the talk you can afford at a moment like this.

“Filthy little whore,” Tsukishima huffs against your throat, nipping at your ear each time his body ruts up into you. The quick, salacious drag of his cock against your innermost parts is a mixture of pleasure and painstaking ache. He snickers when you wriggle your hips, begging quietly for more than he’s giving you, “Such an eager little bitch. God, you’re so desperate. Aren’t you?”

Your hands scramble behind your back to try and seek out his wrist, his forearm, or his knee. Something, anything, to anchor you before you float away. A weak little, “please, Kei,” trembles from your lips and he sighs like you’re the biggest inconvenience known to man. Even still, a palm reaches forward and presses into the mattress, close enough that you can angle your wrist to wrap your delicate fingers around his pulse point, counting each thud of his veins to bring yourself back to earth.

“So needy,” his tone holds no malice this time, although you suspect he didn’t originally mean for it to come out so tenderly. Tsukishima clears his throat and pistons forward into you to try to get you to forget any benign slip of the tongue he might have made. A high-pitched whine makes your throat ache and he rolls his eyes, a motion you catch with the way your chin is tucked against your shoulder, “What, your fingers can’t make you feel like this? You can’t figure this out on your own? How pathetic.”

You know if you come now, he’ll punish you for it later, since he hasn’t given you permission to fall apart on his cock just yet. His moan is guttural to the point that it sounds like he’s growling when you clamp down on him, your walls begging for reprieve.

He does not grant you the solace you are so desperately searching for, instead peeling his touch from your clit to pinch at your nipple, the sharp lightning strike to your sensitive bud making you keen. Your head slams back into his collarbone and you whimper at the pain of bone on bone, but Tsukishima is as steady and resilient as they come. His voice is low and gravelly in your ear, patronizing to the perfect degree, “I swear to God if you come before I tell you to, you won’t know what pleasure is for weeks. Do you understand?”

Your body is worn out, overstimulation making your cunt flex and your thighs quiver under the strain of holding yourself up for so long. You gulp and sniffle and you cannot react or respond to him, your mouth unable to catch up to your mind.

“I expect an answer,” his tone is clipped and a fresh bout of tears well up in your eyes, but the way he speaks does little to quell the slick between your thighs. Each slap of his hand and his words only washes a new wave of arousal between the walls of your cunt, translucent white dripping down his cock and staining the bed until the sheets are damp.

“Y-Yes,” you manage, nodding so hard your whole body shakes.

The world ceases to spin but your mind cannot stop, so you’re stuck somewhere between upright and dizzy.

Tsukishima’s mouth is close to your ear, the bow of his lips dragging along your lobe, “I hope I misheard you, or did you really not address me properly? Are you looking for a punishment, brat?”

Before you can answer, Tsukishima’s palm strikes your ass several times, until you’re foaming at the mouth with an apology, “Yes sir, yes sir! I promise I-I understand, I-I’m sorry!” And you’re not sure how many times you beg for his mercy, for his forgiveness, but you do so until you’re unable to speak. Between the way his cock spears your cunt, tapping against your spine with each thrust, and the sweet yet poisonous words that fall from his maw, you can’t hold yourself back any longer. 

And so you beg. 

You beg and you beg and you beg for him to either stop his torturous actions or let you feel the ecstasy of release. Your hands claw at him until you leave trails of red on his pale skin, your tears soak the pillow until you cannot make out a dry spot of fabric, and your knees knock mercilessly into his hips to try and still his movements. What you cannot see through the bleariness of your tears and subservient haze is the glint in his irises, honey bleeding down his spine until he feels the sickeningly sweet taste of it in his gut. As if by some form of osmosis he can taste the thick of your cream as you drip down his balls, and he can’t stop himself when he sneers, “Making a mess on these sheets, sweetheart, what a filthy little thing you are.”

“Please,” your voice is so small, so fragile, and Tsukishima feels that familiar twinge in his gut when you fixate your pouting gaze on him. He grits his teeth and turns you so you’re on your back, ankle hooked by his shoulder, only this position does little to help you stave off the impending doom of your orgasm.

“Gonna listen to me, yeah?” his words are rushed and you know that means he is near the end of his patience and his resolve. Tsukishima grunts and his eyes screw shut, hips pausing so he is buried to the hilt, “When I tell you to come, you better come.”

Your teeth clang together with the ferocity in which you nod to tell him you’re listening, and that you will obey. Tsukishima’s cock pulses within your walls, and the reaction makes you cant your hips forward and your eyes roll back just enough that he feels feral at the sight.

“C’mon then,” Tsukishima near-growls in your ear, pressing his chest against yours as his body begs for the closeness this near to pleasure. His hips bruise your supple skin and your fingernails find the flesh of his shoulders to make your own mark, both of you branding the other in the heated moments of ecstasy. He nips your jaw and noses your cheek, voice dropping an octave and you feel the molten magma churn in your belly, “Make a mess on my cock.”

As if that final phrase, one of permission and wanton lust, sets your body free.

A sobbing whine sits pretty on your tongue, eyes screwed shut as you clutch him with whatever parts of yourself you can find within you to move closer. His torso leans back, eyes raking appreciatively over your shaking frame before settling on the conjunction of your body and his. Amber irises narrow as he watches his dick slide between your folds, dripping with your combined arousal, and his whole body shudders.

His name rakes from the back of your throat and it burns but you can’t focus on anything other than the gushing of your insides, aborted thrusts bringing your hips closer as you grip his biceps with unabashed intensity. Your cunt feels warm and you chock it up to your own orgasm, but then you feel Tsukishima’s cock softening slightly, the head of his pulling away from your cervix as he works himself through his own high.

“K-Kei,” your wobbling voice forces his eyelids to open, warm irises seeking out the sight of you.

“You did good,” his mouth finds yours and a soft kiss is volleyed between the two of you, “Proud of you.”

Your eyes are still blown wide, pupils swallowing the color of your irises. Tsukishima nudges his nose against your jaw and kisses faintly down your jugular until he reaches your collarbone, a teasing lick administered to the prickled skin. Your hands go slack against his shoulders, kneading at the muscled plane until you feel your soul settle.

“Did good,” you echo, swallowing the lump in your throat, “I listened!”

Tsukishima laughs, only this time it is genuine and free of it’s usual sarcastic lilt. He massages your thighs and kisses your ankle before resting your legs back against the mattress, still caged between your knees. He nods, reaching up with one hand to brush his knuckle against your cheek, “Yeah, you did. And what happens to pretty girls who listen?”

His kisses trail between your breasts and down over the bulge of your belly until his mouth is hovered over your core, your words and his overlapping as you watch him in awe, his pink tongue slipping from between his lips to accentuate the end of his sentence and yours. 

“They get rewarded.”

[stutterfly]

Love Bytes 08 | Critical Updates | KNJ (M)

Last time on Love Bytes 07: You started seeing a guy that seemed great at first, but when he revealed his true colors, you found yourself heartbroken and feeling like the world’s biggest moron. If not for your friends’ intervention, you might feel twice as broken.

Your insecurities are now in the forefront of your mind but one man is determined not to let you dwell on them... Is this love?

Rating: M (Explicit 18+)

Word Count: 15.4K

Series: Love Bytes (8/?)

Genre: Friends to lovers, IDIOTS to LOVERS, fluff, humor, slow burn, friendship feels, ANGST! pining, sexual tension, SMUT, Bestfriends!au, CollegeProjessor!Namjoon, IT/Nerd!Reader

CW: anxiety, sexual tension, angst, pining, sexual thoughts, language, grinding, Secondhand embarrassment, soft Namjoon feels, insecurities all around when things are the same but also very new, mutual masturbation, body worship, oral sex (female receiving), protected sex, premature ejaculation, hickeys, accepting insecurities, let’s all just appreciate Namjoon’s hot bod ok, Namjoon said chill, Is This Love?

Pairings: Namjoon x Reader, brot7 masterlist // previous chapter // next chapter

Do not repost. A/N: There’s at least one more chapter, if not two! I hope this is enjoyable for you to read as it was for me to write. I pretty much worked my birthday weekend on it. Happy birthday from me to y’all for me since i thrive on pleasing others. <3 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“I’m so stupid,” you sob into his shirt.

Namjoon cups the back of your head, wishing he could remove every ounce of pain, every insecurity Jihoon’s words left behind. He may have walked away, but the damage he’s caused makes Namjoon’s blood boil. He wants to chase after him; he wants to hurt him the way he’s hurt you; he wants to physically unleash every ache that has been stewing all night in his heart. But he wants to be there for you more than anything else. If he has to choose, it will always be you.

“You’re not stupid. You just have a big, stupid heart...” He hugs you even tighter. “...and it’s my favorite thing about you.”

You don’t mind the way your ribcage is crushed in his embrace. It soothes the sting radiating from your body. Also you’re lowkey wishing that your ribs will break and puncture your lungs so you don’t have to think about everything that’s happened tonight.

It’s almost like the sky can sense the heaviness in your mind, epitomizing the weight of your emotions by slowly turning the light rain at your back into a downpour that quickly soaks your shirt. As you pry your face away from the comfort of his chest, rain splatters across your face, mixing with the tears that have already ruined your painstaking application of makeup for the evening.

Jennie, Hoseok, and Taehyung exchange pitying smiles. Despite wanting to comfort you, they know this moment isn’t meant for them and they slowly head back towards the entrance to the building. Jungkook stands firm with his arms crossed, completely engrossed in the way Namjoon comforts you, the way you stare at him, the way you clearly love each other. It’s like watching his favorite television drama, only better because it’s reality. It’s two of his favorite people finally navigating their feelings after an emotionally charged night. Are you going to kiss in the rain?

“We should get you home,” Namjoon mumbles, keeping his palms on your shoulders.

Droplets trickle down his forehead, dripping from his eyelashes as he blinks. He tries to ignore the chill of the rain soaking through his shirt, but the longer you both stand here like morons, the colder it becomes.

“I don’t want to go home,” you whisper with a shake of your head, knowing full well you will lock the door, turn off your phone and just wallow in self pity until you’re forced to leave bed and go to work on Monday. “I don’t want to be alone tonight. Please.”

“You’re never alone.” A sad smile spreads across his face. “You have all of us.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

The sadness in his lips disappears and he laughs, running his hands down the slick sides of your arms until he runs his fingers along yours. Time seems to slow as you pout at him, heart racing in your chest as your wet fingers slip against each other. Your palms clamp together with a wet squelching sound.

“If you don’t want to go home, do you want to…” he starts slowly, as if he’s afraid of your answer.

You’ve come over before but you’ve never spent the night at his place. He’s the one who always crashes on your couch, not the other way around. His adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. Just ask.

“...come over my place instead?”

You smile as you nod and give his hands a reassuring squeeze. Pressing your face into the crook of his neck, you shyly ask the question on your own mind. “Will you please hold me tonight, too?”

Hoseok turns around with a gasp, realizing Jungkook isn’t with them. He quickly runs back to grab him by the ear. “Jungkookie you’re going to ruin everything. Let’s go,” he hisses, dragging him back towards the club.

Even in the rain, he catches the puffy, reddened nature of Jungkook’s eyes before the younger man wipes at them. Combining that with the proud grin and the way he refuses to remove his gaze from the pair of you even as he’s being pulled away, Hoseok rolls his eyes. What a baby. Before he can tease him for being sensitive, Jennie is already chastising him.

“What the fuck, Jungkook? Give them some space.”

“Aww, I just wanted to watch a little longer,” Jungkook whines even as Taehyung is shaking his head at him. “I was hoping to see a little more action.”

“Don’t be a perv.” Jennie pinches his arm hard and he whimpers. But for the first time she notices the glossy texture in his eyes. "Are you crying?"

Jungkook scoffs, pushing past her. "What are you, crazy?"

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

The drive had been quick. Thankfully, Namjoon doesn't live very far from that particular club. Between your emotional state of mind and the severity of the rain assaulting your windshield, you’re not sure you could have safely made a longer drive. You step into the elevator, Namjoon’s hands guiding you inside. His arms wrap around your torso, attempting to cut off the chill soaked into both of your clothes as the doors slowly close.

“You okay, Geeksquad?” His words sound distant, despite the fact that he’s close to your ear.

“Yeah… Yeah!” You try to sound chipper but all you manage is to showcase the fact that you’re not. You purse your lips together, knowing that was pathetic. Hugging your arms over his, you spare a glance at him. The incredulous expression on his face is killing you.

“Don’t let him get inside your head,” he says, armed with the knowledge of how much damage those toxic thoughts can do.

“He was right.” Your voice breaks the second you speak, even as you try to keep the tears in.

Namjoon shakes his head before dropping his chin to your shoulder. “No. He couldn’t be more wrong about you. You’re funny and kind and beautiful. That fool didn’t deserve to be breathing the same air as you.”

You let your chin drop to your chest, nuzzling your nose beneath his arm. “I’m boring. I work with computers because I like it. I like to watch movies and do nothing all day. I like video games and sitting on my butt playing through stories I could never dream of. I like to sit in parks and space out for hours staring at the sky. I know it doesn’t make for great conversation. How do I defend against that? He’s right. I am boring. I’m a loser.”

You pause to sniffle, finding that the words just won’t stop coming. “And that makes me desperate for anyone to see past the layers and love the person inside. Just like he said. I know I have more to offer and I want people to see it. It’s just so hard to show anyone why I matter, why I should be considered, when all I see when I look at myself is the same timid marching band geek I’ve been since high school.

“Bullied. Passed over. Cheated on, then dumped for someone prettier. Too nervous to say hi. Too shy to say how I really feel out loud. I mean, I have eight friends and most of them I only have because of you. Most people wouldn’t willingly get to know me without an ulterior motive and I was stupid to think otherwise. To top it all off, I’m barely a six. Barely average. I mean when you put it all together, it makes sense why nobody has ever loved me.”

Namjoon is quiet, pressing his cheek against yours and listening to the uneven breaths you take. “You deserve to see how amazing you are. All those things you think make you a loser, or unworthy of love, they’re ingrained in your DNA. They’re a part of you and you can’t cover it up, and you shouldn’t. These things are little pieces of you that are beautiful fractions of the person I know. You think no one has ever loved you, but you don’t know how other people think or feel. Sometimes we’re all too shy, too scared to say the things we really want to say.”

He licks his lips and breaks his hug, planting his hands on your shoulders and spinning you towards him. “I’ve seen you, everything you are. Every last wonderful fractal of your soul shines, even in the dark and I…” He blinks slowly, his heart caught in his throat. “...want to be the prism in your light. I want to capture the beauty of your soul and reflect it back at you. But I need to open your eyes so you can see the way I do.”

Your heart skips a beat as his palms warm the wet clothing at your shoulders. How can he take words and make them into such beautiful things? Trembling beneath his touch, you wipe the tears from beneath your eyes and bring a shaky palm to his cheek, thumb sliding between his nose and his cheekbone.

“You think too much of me,” you choke out with a laugh, cutting the tension in the space between you.

He shakes his head again, nuzzling into your touch with a laugh. This feels… right.

“Before I knew you, my heart was only filled with straight lines,” he mumbles.

Your brow furrows, but your stomach does a flip within the confines of your body. Did you hear him correctly? “Namjoon?”

“Your imperfections make you human, like me. I’m just a human,” he takes a deep breath, courage surging in his veins when he locks eyes with you. “You erode all my edges and make me into love.”

You forget how to breathe, legs threatening to buckle out from beneath you. The trembling in your hands has spread and it’s impossible to attribute it to the waterlogged clothes on your body. Your jaw quivers, unable to find the words to speak. You’re worried you’ll undo every beautiful phrase the man before you has uttered if you open your mouth now.

“We’re humans in that myriad of straight lines. My love,” he whispers in a low breathy tone, taking your hands and placing them over his chest. “Sit on top of it and it becomes a heart.”

You stand with your shaking hands stacked over his heart, too scared to move. His lips part as his brown eyes open wide, unsure what else needs to be said. Did he make it too complicated? He thought it was poetic. Maybe his final draft needs more work. He knots his eyebrows and tries again.

“You say that no one loves you, but then you don’t know how I feel. I love the things you don’t like about yourself. I love the things you do. I love the things you’ll never know or see. Your charm, your wit, your jokes, your laugh, your smile… All your layers. All your beauty. Physical, emotional, all of it. I love it. I love you.”

His tongue wets his lips despite how dry his mouth feels and he swallows, waiting for a response. Was it too blunt this time? Was it too simple? You’re still just staring at him with your mouth hanging open, unmoving. He really hopes that this moment passes quickly. If you’re really uncomfortable he will let you have his bed and he will sleep on his own couch, but he has to know one way or the other and the silence in the elevator is maddening.

The truth of it is that your mind needs to reboot and process. He’s so eloquent that you feel stuck trying to construct a response that feels adequate. It feels like someone pulled the power cord out before you were finished shutting down and fired your system back up with the press of a button. The fans are spinning but the motherboard still needs a minute. Slowly your hands move up towards his shoulders, trailing a path up his neck and come to rest on either side of his face with your thumbs curled underneath his jaw.

Namjoon tries to beat back the hope bubbling in his gut, worried something else is going to happen. Something will change. Something will interrupt. It always does. Or this isn’t what he thinks at all and you’re about to give him the softest, most heartbreaking letdown of his existence. He panics and freezes, waiting for the ache in his heart to amplify.

Words aren’t so good right now, but actions speak louder anyway, right? Gathering every last speck of courage you can, you close your eyes and lean forward to bring your lips to his. The sensation sparks fireworks in your brain, your stomach rumbling with a heat that makes your heart feel like it’s a hot air balloon taking off and your torso is floating away from your legs.

By the time Namjoon’s brain catches up to the realization that you’re kissing him, his hands are already at your back and in your hair, desperately pulling you closer to him to expand on what you’ve offered. He immediately dips his tongue inside your mouth, feeling you, tasting you, finally having you. You’re kissing him. You’re actually kissing him now. Is this a dream he’s about to awaken from?

His back hits the wall of the elevator when you fall towards him and you mumble an apology against his lips, but he simply grabs a fistful of your hair and clamps his mouth back down, sliding his tongue against yours. A throaty moan replaces the words of reassurance he means to say. He wants to commit the feeling of your lips to memory and he's well on his way when the doors slide open.

It would have been fine if you both didn't act like getting caught was the most embarrassing thing in the world, bouncing to opposite ends of the elevator like ping pong balls. The young woman entering purses her lips and shifts uncomfortably as she looks from you to Namjoon. She settles her gaze on the floor and presses the button for her destination, reminding you both that you haven’t left the ground floor.

You press your forehead into the wall and find an interesting spot to stare at. Namjoon awkwardly shuffles forward and finally presses the button with the "8" above it. You all wait in painful silence for the woman's stop.

Ding… Ding... Ding... Ding.

The doors open and the girl scurries out as quickly as possible. Namjoon clicks the close button multiple times, wishing the technology would respond faster to his touch. The doors close just as he looks over at you, quickly crossing the space and turning you by your shoulders to face him.

"Geeksquad."

Leaning against the wall, you shamefully drag your eyes to his, wincing as his thumb grazes the welt beneath your shirt.

"Shit, sorry," he whispers, carefully sliding his fingers down your arms until they rest at his sides.

Ding.

"No, no. It's fine. Just… Please." Shaky fingers reach for the back of his neck, coaxing him to move back towards you.

Ding.

He places his palms on the wall beside your head, leaning into your touch with a heavy exhale.

"Please, what?" The question escapes with a cracked whimper. You're driving him insane.

"Please don't stop touching me tonight." The words you've chosen are far more sinful than either of you anticipate.

But if you're honest?

Ding.

His reaction makes it worth it.

As the doors open you're panting against his ear, eyelids fluttering to catch the glint of metal reflecting the light from the hall. Namjoon is busy coating your neck and jaw in sloppy open-mouthed kisses, growling against your skin when you weakly claw at his shoulders to get his attention. He suppresses the urge to grind his throbbing cock against you and instead starts sucking bruises into your neck, nipping at the sensitive flesh. If he teases you enough, will you do the same to him?

As light as your head feels from the high of his tongue massaging the tension from your body, you tug at his hair. He's not going to move without some prompting but you really don't want to spend the night in the elevator.

"Door. Door. Door," you repeat with a breathless whine.

He grabs your hips, walking you towards the exit as the doors begin to slowly slide together. He sticks his hand out just in time to catch the sensor, parting the barrier before it can completely shut. Okay, Namjoon. Control yourself. Few more steps. Get into the apartment.

"Sorry. Got carried away," he says, giving the blossoming color on your neck a nervous glance.

You shake your head at him and offer a goofy grin. "Please get carried away more often, preferably somewhere less public."

He forces his hands away from their perch on your hips and instead twines your fingers in his as he leads you down the hall.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You slip your arms through the oversized white t-shirt he’s given you, the fabric stopping just above your knees to act as a makeshift nightgown. There have been multiple times you’ve teased him for owning clothes that are easily four times his size, but for once you’re thankful for it. Your wet clothes hang over the sliding door to the shower and you use the damp, dark material to rub the remainder of makeup off your eyes. It’s dirty anyway.

Holding the sweatpants he’s provided, you purse your lips in contemplation and stare at the doorknob. Do you even bother putting them on? The shirt you’re wearing covers plenty. You debate taking your panties off because those are wet too, but for an entirely different reason.

Sparing a glance at your reflection, you quickly realize you can see the faint circles of your nipples poking out from beneath the shirt. The material is so worn down that it’s almost sheer, the once black band decal on the front now a faded gray. A blush warms your face as you wonder if this was a carefully selected garment for his own benefit.

Despite the anxiety in the back of your mind telling you that you’re completely unfuckable, Namjoon’s affirmations of love sit in the front row of your brain, replaying like a song you can’t get enough of. Your lips are still swollen from the hungry way he kissed you and you drag them over your teeth as you consider how fucking good it felt to finally give in to the devil on your shoulder.

You stare yourself down as two peaks form beneath the sheet of white over your chest. Just the t-shirt it is. You’ve never been more thankful to have preemptively shaved your legs for a date in your life.

As you pull the door open, your mind is replaying the hottest moment in your life: the way he had you pressed against the wall of the elevator. Reality smacks you in the face in the form of his massive chest. He bashfully apologizes, looking you up and down with a warm smile before swallowing hard and slipping past you.

The door closes behind him and without his gaze on you now, you’re left with increased feelings of anxiety. Clutching your elbows, you wander into his bedroom, hoping to silence the noise in your head by dramatically flopping into his bed.

As you wait for Namjoon, you get comfortable on the pillows, turning your body to one side as you watch rain assault the large window nearby. A shiver runs through you, reminding you how much of a chill is still left in you from the rain. You’re regretting not putting on the sweatpants now as the t-shirt rides up over your thighs, so you bury yourself beneath the plaid duvet, sliding your legs against the soft cotton sheets beneath and curling the material around your face.

The light in the room dims. The flash of blue and purple catches your eye, a tiny projector firing up across the room with a soft hum. You follow the light it casts to the soothing presence of slow-moving stars twinkling on the ceiling. The soft glow of orange LED candles on the nightstand beside the bed contrasts the calming sight above you in a way that makes you feel warm and safe, even though nothing has changed in terms of temperature or security.

You smile in disbelief at the breathtaking galaxy as Namjoon shuffles under the covers beside you, never taking his eyes off you.

“Beautiful,” you whisper, mouth hanging agape as you watch stars twinkle in and out of existence.

You reach up as if to touch the sparkles above, knowing that the action is as useless as reaching for the stars outside; it’s an optical show of light refracting against glass, but it’s still so fucking pretty that you allow yourself to pretend for just a moment that you can feel a galaxy at your fingertips.

“Yeah?” he asks with a laugh, looking at something far more perfect than the lights dancing across the ceiling.

He props his head up with a folded elbow, taking in the childlike wonder on your face with a grin of his own. He’s spent many nights falling asleep under this fabricated sky, but it’s never felt as magical as it does now with you beside him. How cheesy would it be to tell you that? Should he say it? Would you love it? He decides he doesn’t want to ruin the moment with his corniness.

“I used to camp a lot in my backyard when I was little. Fell asleep under the stars a lot.” He reaches for your hand, drumming his fingertips over your knuckles. “When I grew up I found it hard to sleep when I couldn’t see them.”

“Surprised you haven’t broken this projector,” you tease with a grin, curling his fingers over your hand.

“Yeah.” He laughs. “It’d be okay if I did though. I don’t need that universe to sleep anymore.”

“Really?” You look over at him, the orange glow of the candle framing his head like a halo.

He nods with a smile, going for all the cheese he missed earlier. “‘Cause I got youniverse.”

You cup your hand around his jaw and you shake your head even though you’ve got the biggest grin on your face. “You’re so fucking corny, oh my god. You’ve been spending too much time with Seokjin.”

“No, see it’s double funny because--”

“Joonie, I got it,” you interrupt, rolling your eyes with that big goofy grin splitting your mouth wider.

He feels the need to further explain, digging a hole to put the rock he’s about to die on. “Because it can be taken like you are the center of my youniverse. But also you’ll fix it probably and you can call it yours--”

Your lips press against his, muffling the sound of any further explanation, extinguishing the blazing trail of thoughts, turning them into hazy stacks of steam that threaten to pour out his ears. He prays if this is a dream that he doesn’t wake up. Knowing what your lips feel like when you’re kissing him, how soft they are, the motions your jaw makes, the way you taste, means he can’t go back to pretending like he doesn’t.

His eyes open in time to catch your satisfied expression as you place a palm over his chest and press him flat against the bed.

"How have I never noticed?" you ask, losing yourself in his handsome, dimpled smile.

"Hmm?" He folds one arm behind his head while trailing his fingers across your forearm. He's a little distracted by the way his favorite shirt slips away from your chest just enough to expose a bit of your collarbone.

"How much you feel like home," you respond, cupping his face with your hands.

He licks his lips, pretending to tuck hair behind your ear just so he can use the excuse to rest his palm on your cheek. "Must have been that firewall you're always talking about. What, did you decide it was time for it to come down?"

"Pfft. No. Firewall is in full effect," you say, resisting the urge to explain how whitelisting a program works and the comparison it draws to your love life. "Just… For everyone except you."

You reach over his body, leaning across him to grab your phone from the nightstand as you maintain eye contact. It takes the full remainder of his self control to keep his hands to himself as your tits squish against his chest. From the devilish glint in your eye and the teasing flick of your tongue over your lips as you brush your nose against his, he knows it's a purposeful action.

You navigate to Tinder as you rest your head beside his, angling the phone towards him so he can watch. You open the app and ignore the unread messages in favor of hitting the account settings.

"I'm an idiot for ever downloading this app," you mumble, pressing the link to delete your account. The prompt on screen asks if you're sure, citing loss of conversations, matches, profile data, literally everything as unrecoverable once you agree. You've never been more sure about anything in your life.

Just like that your profile is gone and after a few seconds, so is that awful app. You press the power button to turn the screen off and look over at him.

"You're everything I want." You begin brushing your fingers through his hair. "I was too stupid to figure that out on my own. I shouldn't have needed an app to realize that, but I guess sometimes I need a little help getting out of my own head.”

You reach over him again to put your phone back on the nightstand, this time hovering instead of pressing into him because suddenly you feel shy. You’re not just latching on to some random person. This has been brewing for some time now and it’s clear now that it can’t be anyone. You may be desperate to be loved but that stems from you loving and being afraid to admit it, to be loved in return by the object of your unsung affections. He’s already done the hard part. Can’t you just do one thing right and gather your courage for once in your life?

"I love you."

The words somehow feel natural and terrifying at the same time. Your body betrays the bravery in your tone by allowing your arms to quake as your palms sink into the mattress beside him. Even though he's the one that said it first, doubt creeps in your mind. What if he was just caught in the moment?

He doesn't allow your thoughts the time they need to splinter into a thousand more. Goosebumps break out over your body as his arms wrap around your back, slowly pulling you down into a chaste kiss.

"I knew I loved you a long time ago. I knew it when you bailed my ass out of trouble even though it broke your finances to the point you started biking to campus to keep from spending on gas. Yes, I knew, and yes, I still think you’re a fool for stretching yourself so thin... I knew it when you agreed to meet my friends and made them all fall in love with your soul the same way that I did. I knew it when I started binging movies with you and falling asleep on your couch, wishing I was holding you instead." His words are soft as he hugs you close to him, trying the soothe the tremors causing your body to involuntarily vibrate. "But I only accepted it recently, so I guess I'm twice the idiot you claim to be."

You laugh, rolling your forehead across his as you brush noses. "Is that so? I'll remember that the next time you bring up that IQ of yours."

He smiles, planting another innocent kiss on your lips before murmuring, "Wow. The disrespect is real."

You giggle, taking the opportunity to roll off him. "Sorry, should I be nicer to you now?"

"Don't you dare," he laughs, sitting up and tugging at the collar of his t-shirt. "Do you mind? I'm gonna overheat otherwise. Central air can only do so much."

You shake your head and the material slips over his head, exposing pectorals that are bigger than expected. Your mouth waters as you take in the sight of his dark golden skin and two rigid brown nipples in the low light. You're already scanning the moles between them, trying to form an invisible constellation that you might count yourself lucky enough to run your tongue across later.

You bite your lip as he balls the shirt up and launches it across the room because for the first time you're actually able to process how fit he is. The skin of his stomach is firm and smooth, lined with a fine trail of hair that disappears into his sweatpants. His arms are bigger than you remember them being and it spawns the memory of how good they feel wrapped around your back.

Suddenly you're grateful for the underwear you kept on because it's easier to hide the soaking nature of your folds when there's something to help absorb it. He settles in beside you, breathing a sigh of relief at the cool air touching his skin. You look towards the ceiling, trying to pretend you weren't just ogling his perfect body, but you're a second too late. He catches the longing expression and the subtle smack of your thighs clamping together.

"Geeksquad," he mockingly chides with a surprised laugh. You bury your face in the blankets as he grins, drawing you towards his obscenely hot chest.

It's not fair. How is he so hot so suddenly? You can't even think. Doesn't he know he can't just magically become hot the moment you admit to being in love with him? That's not how this is supposed to work.

"Oh, did I embarrass you?" he teases.

You pull the bedsheet up his chest, creating a layer between your cheek and the source of your shame before covering your head with the duvet.

"Rude," you mumble against the fabric.

He slowly uncovers your head and you glare at him even as he squeezes your body close to his. He presses his lips to your forehead and you melt into a puddle.

"You don't have to stop thirsting just because I called you out. It's cute and I'm not used to it. That's all."

"Oh no. I can't hear you. I am asleep," you say, despite your eyelashes fluttering as you inhale the calming musk he emanates.

He clicks his tongue. "I can feel you blinking."

"No."

He can't help but grin at the familiar scenario. "How are you gonna tell me no? I feel it."

"No," you whine again, this time turning your face into his chest to smile.

His fingers trail paths up and down your arm and you feel yourself already beginning to doze.

"Joonie?"

"Hmm." It sounds like he’s in the same boat.

"Thank you," you mumble.

His sleepy response is delayed. "For what?"

"Being my home."

He hums a sleepy note of affirmation and you hug him as tightly as you can muster, feeling his hand playing with your hair before allowing sleep to claim you.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Muted light floods the room as heavy raindrops barrage the window. The sky is a dark grey so it's not like daybreak presents a horrible wakeup call. Still you glare daggers at the half-drawn navy curtains. It's not far. You reason that you can get up, close them, and be back in bed before Namjoon even stirs.

The heavy arm wrapped around your waist makes it difficult to want to move. Instead of peeling him off of your body, you find yourself nuzzling into the arm beneath your cheek and folding your fingers over the ones nearly tucked beneath your hip. You inhale deeply, trying to use the memory of his scent as incentive. On exhale you slip out from beneath him and slide the curtains closed as quietly as possible, allowing a dull darkness to coat the room. Carefully using your hands to navigate your way back to your spot, you feel along the mattress for his hand but it’s nowhere to be found.

As you wiggle back into place, his arm comes down over your waist to envelop you in a tight embrace. “Thanks for closing that.”

“Mmm-hmm,” you hum, closing your eyes even though the light airy feeling in your chest makes it impossible to drift off. You want to feel him against you like this forever. Missing out on the heated sigh against your ear, the covetous pull of his arm against your body, and the solid mass of his chest pressing into your back would be a crime.

“Namjoonie, are you going back to bed?” You turn your face towards him and he lifts his head to look at you.

“Are you?” The words are barely above a whisper, but cracked and rough, still thick with the grogginess of slumber.

The fan of reality begins to spin its blades of clarity, clearing the fog of sleep from your brain. Is this real? Is everything you remember real? You’re here in Namjoon’s bed, wearing his t-shirt, wishing you never have to leave. You’d wager it is. His dark brown irises disappear behind the heavy shades of his eyelids and reappear slowly as he takes in the beautiful wonder in your expression.

“I don’t think I can,” you admit, smoothing back the hair falling in his face.

He leans into your touch, letting his eyes close. You allow your palm to slide down his cheek and he turns his head to press his lips against it as it descends to cup his chin.

“Me neither,” he murmurs, slowly turning his slightly more alert eyes back to yours.

Why do I feel so nervous? We kissed. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. The hard part is over. I wanna do it again. So why do I feel like I’m gonna throw up? Why can’t I bring myself to move?

The longer you stare into his eyes, the more terrified you feel. Frozen in place, you begin the mental gymnastics you’ve grown accustomed to performing while thinking about him. Last night was emotionally charged. Maybe he was swept up in the moment. Did he really mean what he said? Maybe he was trying to make you feel better. Maybe now that it’s morning he regrets everything. Maybe that look in his eye is pity and you just want it to be awe.

He’s too good for you. He’s always been too good for you. Isn’t that the real reason you’ve never entertained this idea for longer than a millisecond? Because if you drop every defense mechanism you have and let yourself be raw with him, he’ll see he deserves far better. He’ll leave. The way he takes care of you, talks with you after bad days, assures you when your confidence wanes, massages your shoulders when he reads your tense body language, it’s all too good for you and he deserves someone who can do the same for him. But god. You still want it. You still want him. You’ve been ungrateful and clueless, but you can’t stop yourself from being selfish. How can he accept you being subpar when he consistently goes above and beyond for you?

“You’re holding your breath,” he comments, already aware you’ve got something big caught in the cogs of your brain.

You turn your head away to exhale, forcing a laugh. “You’re lucky. I’m sparing you my morning breath.”

As soon as your hand leaves his chin and it looks like you’re about to roll away, he makes the split second decision to catch your wrist. “Maybe I want it.”

“Don’t be gross Joonie.” You don’t dare look at him because you know you’ll only wilt under his gaze, but you allow yourself to be guided back against the safety of his chest.

“What? I’m dead serious,” he replies, releasing your wrist in favor of gliding his fingertips gently down your side. His gut is living in turmoil, preparing itself for the moment you say you want to call it off, that you want to forget everything again and pretend like nothing happened. He knew it was coming. “Whatever it is, it’s okay. Breathe.”

You want to tell him everything you’re thinking but the words won’t form. You take a deep breath in through your nose, choke on the exhale and flop your body around to face him.

“You can tell me. It’s okay. I’ll still be here. It’s okay.” The pit in his stomach threatens to pull tears from his eyes but he holds them in, rubbing your back instead and fighting the sickness building in his throat.

“I’m selfish, Joonie.”

The words are broken as they escape you and that stone in his stomach wrenches every last bit of dread it can from the dark tendrils around his heart, causing it to sink. He doesn’t speak. He can’t. He’ll break too. You’re crying as you look up at him and he feels himself cracking, falling to pieces in the moments between your words. Last night was too good to be true. He swallows and dons a mask of stone.

You swallow down the fear and embarrassment stinging your cheeks as you lay here trying to gradually pry your heart out of your chest for him. He waits with an unreadable expression, suffering without allowing a single complaint to pass his lips, despite your frequent hesitation. How does he have so much patience for you?

“You’re so good to me all the time. You know what I need before I do. And I… want to be that good for you. But I don’t know how.” A choked sob makes its way out and you stutter out an apology before continuing.

“You deserve someone who can pick up on things the way you do. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough for you… but I want to be. I want to be so badly.” You sniffle, sucking in the snot threatening to drip from your nose. “I know it’s selfish, but please. Let me try to be half as good to you as you are to me. I know I’m a mess but I promise I’ll do my best. But I’m scared...” You swipe at your tears as his hand settles on your back, unmoving.

“I’m scared you’ll think I’m not worth the effort. Spending the night with you like this… Finally letting go of my fear... it was pretty much everything I’d been dreaming of for weeks, but now I just feel guilty because it's like I'm waking up next to an actual Saint and… you’re waking up next to a mess of a human. I’m sorry that I’m not… " You search for the perfect word, but fall short, just like you always do. "... better.”

A relieved laugh bubbles from his throat. “Oh wow. Me? A Saint?” Another string of laughter follows. “Is that what you’re worried about? Do I need to start teasing you again? Will that help?"

He pokes your side and you squeak. As much as he wants to pull more of the same sound from you by digging his fingers into your side, the urge to reassure you is stronger.

"I told you being messy is human nature. I mess up all the time… I’m just a human,” he says, smiling as he lifts your chin so you meet his glossy-eyed gaze. “...You erode all my edges and make me into love.”

He said that last night too. What else was it he said? It was so poetic but you’re struggling to remember. You grab his hand and press it to your chest. The t-shirt is a little wet from your tears, but it’s warm from the heat swirling in your chest. You hope he can feel your heartbeat beneath his palm.

“Something, something… and it becomes a heart?” you ask with a sheepish grin and a sniffle.

“Something like that,” he laughs, causing the tears wading in his eyes to crash down against his cheeks. “Listen. I didn’t fall for you because I want you to be some pinnacle of perfection placed on a pedestal. I fell for the you that you are. Every flaw is just another part I love. You’re... a lot of things, but selfish isn’t one of them. Seeing you as you are and not who you pretend to be… It’s more than I can express. But ‘I love you’ comes close.”

All the noise in your head scatters in different directions as he sweeps a path of clarity through your thoughts with his words. Your heart swells with the big inhale you take, causing his hand to rise with your expanding chest.

He pauses to roll his eyes and cut the tension. “At least not in this case. Trust me. If anyone’s selfish, it’s me.”

“You? Really? I don’t believe that. You're always too good to me. There's no way.”

You smile at the adoring look in his eyes, melting into a puddle when soft dimples form just outside his lips. How did you manage to not fall for so long? You look down at the shape of those luscious, velvety smooth lips spreading wide to expose a set of beautiful teeth. Your tongue absentmindedly swipes along your mouth as you try to purge thoughts of how good they felt nipping at your neck last night. As you swallow and bring yourself to focus on his eyes, he grins wider. You really have to work at being less obvious because this whole getting caught ogling him thing is becoming increasingly more embarrassing.

“Mmm. I think you’ll find I’m very selfish because I don’t want to share...” he trails, bowing to rest his forehead against yours. “I want to keep you to myself. Morning breath and all.”

Tingling goosebumps ripple across your body like an electric chill as you slip your hand around the back of his neck and shiver. You're pretty sure you have the biggest, dumbest grin on your face. When did you become so fucking smitten? “It’s yours then."

Allowing your head to drop back against the pillow, you gently encourage him to chase your lips, twirling locks of his hair in your fingers.

"I'm yours," you correct yourself with a whisper, need filling the cracks that uncertainty doesn't cover. "If you want me? Please say you want me still."

He uses the opportunity to slip his arm out from underneath you and uses it to prop himself up. His long fingers curl around your jaw and he tilts your chin up as he moves in closer. He pauses to skim his lips over yours before he speaks those reassuring words. "I want you. And I'll tell you as many times as it takes for it to sink in."

He closes the distance between you before you provide another insecure rebuttal for him to combat. He presses down on your mouth hard with his own but keeps his tongue to himself, simply allowing you to feel the heat of his lips against you. There's that chill again, wracking your body, hardening your nipples, facilitating the transfer of the hot, sticky wetness from your folds to your panties.

It's not enough. The fireworks in your head and the butterflies swirling a storm in your stomach leaves you euphoric and eager to consume more of him. You start to tease your tongue along him and he greedily reciprocates by pushing his tongue past your teeth and into your mouth. You gasp at the intrusion and he moves back, but you're not about to let him go. If he’s hungry then you’re starving.

He has to steady himself when you twist his hair in your fingers and yank down, earning you a guttural growl from the back of his throat that fades into a weak moan. The sound has you clamping your legs together, trying to contain the thin layer of slick coating the crease along your inner thighs right where they meet your underwear. You'll have to peel them off and wring them out if he keeps it up.

"So rough," he chides with a chuckle, almost taunting you back as he slides his fingers around the back of your head,

"Sorry," you mumble, dropping your palms flat against his back.

But you're not, not really. Letting him back off now would be truly devastating. You're already moving back in to drag his bottom lip through your teeth, earning another gravelly growl.

“I know you’re not,” he laughs as his lip snaps back to him, your smile giving you away.

He gives a small tug on the strands of your hair he's started twisting between his fingers. He doesn't know what he expected, but the soft moan that pulls from you isn’t it. The sound travels through him like a tuning fork and sets his nerves alight on a path that goes straight to his dick. Without hesitation he fists his hands deep in your hair, twisting as much as he can in his fingers and squeezes. Your mouth falls open and you gasp out a louder, needier moan against him. He presses his mouth harder against you, tongue claiming the space inside yours as its new home.

Your back arcs up off the mattress, arms curling around his neck as if to hold him in place so he doesn’t disappear like he has in so many of your dreams. The heat of his bare chest bores through the thin fabric of your borrowed shirt, firm pectorals squishing the soft flesh of your breasts. It feels like you’re going to explode if you don’t relieve some of the pressure associated with such salacious desire.

“Namjoon,” you pant in a whisper, rolling your body towards him in a frenzied need that drives the shirt up past your panties.

He groans a deep sound into your mouth, trying not to give in to every last lustful thought telling him to put his hands all over you. He knows it’s a delicate balance, exploring this new territory with you, but it’s so hard to rationalize actions with his dick leading his thoughts. He knows he has to reel it in or he is going to go too fast. When you roll your hips against him a second time, he lets himself get lost in the way your hand glides down his back. Your fingertips barely dip below his waistband before they’re coming back up and making their way across his arm. How is it you can make him want you more with every touch, every pant, every pass his tongue makes against yours? Suddenly both your hands leave his back completely and he’s about ready to start weeping. Fuck. You’re killing me.

You can feel the new bit of exposed skin rubbing against his sheets and you allow your body to relax its deathgrip on your thighs, desperate to feel any other part of him touching you. Just as you’re about to pull the sheet down for him to see what you’ve done, he hooks his leg over yours, wedging it between the previously immovable limbs. Oh fuck. I’m in trouble.

He’s about to expose how ridiculously wet you are and you two are just making out. If he doesn’t realize it, he’s still going to be wearing you all over his sweatpants.

“Wait, I…” Your breath catches in your throat, heart pounding hard enough to burst through your chest.

He pauses to prop himself on his hands, towering over you. The knee between your legs sinks into the mattress as it supports the majority of his weight. He’s looking at you through half-lidded eyes, pupils so blown out that you can’t see any of the color surrounding them anymore. “What do you need?”

Don’t say your dick. Don’t say your dick. Don’t say your dick.

You’re frozen, terrified that he’s somehow gained the ability to read your thoughts. He exhales a soft sigh and his expression morphs into raw compassion. “Do you wanna stop? It’s okay. We don’t have to move so fast.”

He says that like anything the two of you have ever done has progressed at a pace faster than paint drying. You manage a conflicted sigh, combing your fingers through your hair. Wow. That’s oily. Becoming aware of your appearance, even in the relatively dark room, leaves you feeling insecure.

“Ah, it’s not that,” you begin, trying to explain without revealing just how embarrassed you are. You place your hands on the knee between your legs, feeling his body stiffen at the sensation. Your wrists are quickly pressed into the slick of your thighs when he shifts his knee forward. Oh fuck. He’s too close.

“What is it? Tell me,” he prods when your fingernails dig into his thigh.

You open your mouth to speak, meaning to use the cop out excuse of having to pee, but fall silent when you realize just how muscular his thigh feels beneath your palm.

“What can I do?” he asks, practically seeing the wheels turning in your head.

You nervously swallow, blinking furiously like you’ve forgotten how normal eyeballs work. “Nothing.”

“Okay, why are you being so weird?” he laughs, reaching down for your hands and pulling the blanket back as he moves. “You’re cutting off my blood flow with those little daggers you call nails. Have you been biting them again?”

Panic sets in when you realize you have nowhere to hide. You pull your hands away from his leg to avoid letting him feel how slick your wrists have become just rubbing against your inner thighs. Your shirt has risen up enough to bare your belly button, showing off the lacey black panties below. His eyes slowly drift down, fully taking in the way you look wearing his shirt before they get stuck on the flesh exposed for his consumption. He swallows hard and finally takes in the mouthwatering sight below. The band of stretchy black mesh bordered by a fine red lace encircles your hips, making you look like a gift presented specifically for him to start unwrapping with his teeth.

“Fuck me,” he mutters to himself in a low breathy tone.

You nervously laugh, feeling like your chest is about to cave in on itself. “I’m too embarrassed to do that.”

With his eyes focused elsewhere his hands reach out to clumsily grasp at yours. He drags his lip through his teeth as he draws the back of your hand to his lips. You freeze, knowing that you’re done for.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” he says."I know it's not that simple, but try it anyway."

He kisses your knuckles sweetly and starts to slowly work his way across the back of your hand, applying more passion to each kiss he plants on your skin. The closer he gets to your wrist the more tongue he offers, kissing, nibbling, and sucking at the slick partially dried against your flesh there. You’d be mortified if you didn’t find it so fucking hot.

Your chest heaves in silent waves as you watch him. He locks eyes with you, pressing his lips to your arm one final time with a coy grin.

“Is that what you were trying to hide from me?”

"Yes." Your voice is small as you admit defeat. You turn your head into the pillow so you don't have to look at him anymore. "I'm sorry. Can I just... Take a cold shower or something?"

Namjoon laughs. "Why are you apologizing? You really don't have anything to be embarrassed about."

Why are you apologizing? Your ex had ingrained in you that you were some freak of nature, but you've known for years now that he didn't know anything about women. Still, it seems that insecurity stuck with you. You bite your lip, mind wandering back the way Namjoon looked sucking your arm.

"Besides you taste amazing from what I can gather," he murmurs, rolling to lay flat on his back, folding his arms behind his head. "But if you really want to shower, I won't stop you. I don't recommend cold water, ever. I mean if you wanna, knock yourself out. If you go hot though, the ventilation can get kind of bad, so keep the door open a crack. I can try my hand at making breakfast. Don't think I haven't been picking up some skills."

You sit up, eyes traveling helplessly down his torso, roaming over his hardened nipples and raking in the divots along his stomach indicating muscles hidden just below the surface. A thin trail of dark hair below his belly button grows thicker as it disappears below the band of his gray sweatpants. Even in the darkness you can discern the bulge slightly tenting the fabric over his crotch. When you force them back up to meet his gaze, you find yourself distracted by the swell of the triceps framing his face. Have the back of his arms always looked like this? Has he always looked so fucking good?

The lip you've held in your teeth for the last minute or so has begun to pale from the pressure. You don't even realize you're giving him that deer-in-the-headlights stare until he reaches over to poke you in the belly.

"Are you going or what?"

You blink at him a few times. "Huh?"

"Shower. Yes? No? Or you gonna keep looking at me like that and tempting me with that bedhead?"

Your hand instinctively flies up to smooth down your hair, even though you know it's no use. How many times has he caught you staring at his body now? You've lost count, but it's still equally mortifying.

"I'm sorry if I seem like a tease," you mumble, eyes darting away. "I know you're the same person as before I said the words out loud, but my brain has decided it likes you too much and it's making me stupid nervous. I feel like I'm undergoing a critical system update. So like... bear with me while it finishes installing?"

He leans his head back against the pillow, rubbing his forehead with tented fingers. "Wow. Why is it the nerdy talk that gets me every time? How do you make it so sexy?"

A nervous laugh dissolves into a hum within your throat. "Sexy? Hmm. I think you've got the wrong girl."

He looks over at you, cheek flush against the pillow. "Nah, I've got the most perfect one."

"Ha. Well. You know what I got?" You continue nervously laughing as you slip out of bed.

"What?" He grins as you pause in the doorway, fabric of his shirt dangling against your thighs.

“I got youniverse,” you tease in a deep voice with a smirk. Deflection by humor is all you know.

“I was being romantic.” He groans, looking for something to throw at you. “Fine. I’m never doing anything like that again.”

"Please be patient while this update installs!" you call from the bathroom, already closing the door behind you.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It's been a few minutes since the shower has been running and Namjoon can't stop thinking about how beautiful you looked beneath him. He stands at the stove with one hand tucked in the pocket of his sweatpants, the other holding a spatula so tightly his knuckles pale. Even the sound of bacon crackling can't distract him from the sight, the smell, the taste of you. He doesn't dare to peek his head around the corner.

He's still hard without imagining the way the water is rolling off your body. He doesn't need to go into the daydream of standing under that shower with you, pressing your tits against the glass and fucking you senseless. He definitely shouldn't be thinking about the water spilling onto your ass, your wet soapy hair knotted in his fist as he uses it to arch your back up towards him, or the sounds you might make as his cock disappears inside that tight little--

"Ah! Fuck!" he hisses.

The grease that splatters across his bare chest pulls him from his reverie. He turns off the burner and crosses the room, grabbing a shirt wedged between the couch cushions. As he turns around he freezes when he sees the bathroom door is wide open. That door doesn't move on its own. You did this, didn’t you? Are you trying to kill me, Geeksquad?

“You okay, Joonie?” you yell, voice echoing off the tile surrounding you.

His eyes are stuck on the blurry flesh tones peeking out from behind the textured glass, silently cursing each divot in its surface for the obfuscation of your form. The door slides open and you crane your neck to poke your head out, briefly swiping your hand over your eyes to clear the water from them. Suddenly your gaze is fixed on him, causing his teeth to clack together when he snaps his jaw shut.

Get it together, pervert, he scolds himself. The last thing he wants to do is screw this up and make you uncomfortable, but holy fuck he could cry at how hard you’ve made him again.

“Fi--ne.” His voice cracks and he clears his throat, walking towards the open door and fixing his gaze on the floor while clutching the shirt in his hand. “You, uh, left the door open. Do you want me to uh… shut it a little more?”

You shake your head, but realize he’s doing his damndest not to look. Saint Namjoon strikes again. Now it’s your turn to clear your throat. “Joonie.”

“Hmm?” His eyes dart to the tiled wall just outside of the shower. Close, but not close enough.

Come on, you plead, hoping he can read your mind. You roam your fingers through your soapy hair, swallowing the anxiety in your throat.

“Joonie, can you… look at me?”

His eyes waste no time racing to your face, taking a brief detour to the rippled glass clouding the details of your body. Feeling braver when his lips lazily drift apart, you slide the shower door open just a bit more to expose the outer curve of your breast.

“I left it open for you. I thought you might want to…” you purse your lips, feeling your chest tingle with uncertainty. This is so new and so hard to navigate, but you want it so badly you could cry. “Watch?”

“Watch...” He blinks slowly, brow furrowing in confusion like you’ve given him some complex equation to solve. “...you shower?”

Oh no. This is dumb. This isn’t hot. What are you doing? Forget it. You don’t know what sexy is, Y/N. Abort. Abort. Abort! Your eyes dance around the room, trying to focus on something else to calm the ringing in your ears, but your mouth keeps going anyway.

“I-I just thought, hey you know what this is a really nice bathroom. And this shower? I mean…” You don’t even pause as you grip the metal to slide the glass door shut, watching his obscured form hover in the doorway. “...look at this glass. So pretty! It’s like. Wow. Talk about craftsmanship. I’m actually surprised it’s still so clean considering how you live, y’know? Anyway I was just like hey, you know what would be a shame? Not letting Namjoon see his own shower. Yup. Just. I think you can really appreciate how it looks from the other side for once. Ha. It’s nice in here too, like from this side, but I think it’s good to see things from a new perspective every once in a while. Heheh, heh. D-Don’t you?”

His mouth splits into a grin and he drags his lips through his teeth, trying not to laugh. “Yeah it’s pretty great to see it like this. But uh… For a second it seemed like you wanted me to appreciate more than just the construction of my shower. Maybe the sexy woman in my shower? I could do that too, if you want.”

Sexy? The hot water nearly scalds your flesh as you turn the heat up, forcing steam to rise up and over the divider between the two of you. There’s that nervous laugh again, spilling out of your lips as you wash the suds from your hair.

“Eh? Oh no, the steam is too much I can’t see you. Namjoonie?” You lick your lips and slide the door to the side just enough to poke your head back out, allowing steam to billow out in puffs around your head. Your fingers stay curled around the opening, ready for the moment you feel brave again. “It’s not too much watching me… warm up?”

He wants to say it’s not enough, but he’ll gladly take what you give until you’re comfortable. He cocks his head to the side, dragging his lower lip through his teeth.

“I could watch you warm up all day. Though, I may suggest some other ways to do it so we’re not breaking my bank account with the water bill.”

Offering a shy grin you push the glass aside to reveal a sliver of your body for his thirsty eyes. Your palm glides up your body to cup the breast you’ve partially exposed. You angle your thigh towards the wall to show the water cascading down your skin. “Can you see me? Do you-Do you wanna get closer?”

It’s no use telling himself not to be so eager. He’s wished for this for such a long time that he can’t help the automatic steps he’s already walking across the vinyl flooring. He licks his lips and leans against the granite counter, preemptively brushing his fingers over the shape bulging in his sweatpants. “Is it okay if I do this?”

A longing sigh morphs into a strangled moan as it attempts to leave your throat. “Yes, please.”

At your sound those gentle strokes of his fingers turn into a palm roughly squeezing and tugging himself over the fabric.

Oh. Fuck. Me. That’s his dick. Your brain threatens to short-circuit at the sight of him palming himself over his pants. You can’t accept that the long shape beneath is actual size or you’ll fucking die. It has to be a trick of lighting, the bunched up gray material, or even your own mind. He doesn’t get to be attractive, smart, funny, and have a big dick. It’s in the laws of the universe. You refuse to believe it.

Even in your crisis your body responds to the sight of him. Shirtless, back slightly rounded as he uses the counter behind him for support, long fingers cupped around the shape of his cock, touching himself over his gray sweatpants like they’re not even there, and just watching you stand there like a statue with your breast hidden behind your hand. Taking a deep breath to gather your courage, you bump the metal frame on the slider with your elbow as you reach down between your legs. Smoky tendrils of water vapor reach out to draw Namjoon’s attention to the motion of you rubbing your swollen clit.

“Is this okay?” you ask.

His lips part in longing and his eyes roll back in his head for a fraction of a second. Your thumb works its way around your nipple as you massage the supple flesh in a circular motion, revealing a hardened peak in short bursts.

“You’re fucking perfect,” he groans, chest heaving as he plants a palm on the counter behind him and leans back on it as his other dives below the band at his waist.

If the vision of him palming his cock above the surface of his pants wasn’t driving you crazy enough, the sight of him pumping his cock below them sure fucking takes it to another level. The shower drowns out the sound of his fist frantically working himself from tip to base, but you’ve watched enough porn to be able to imagine it. You scan him up and down. His furrowed brow, half-lidded eyes, and open mouth have you leaning back against the wall for support, but it’s the fervent motion of his arm stretching his sweatpants that has your legs quaking beneath you.

“Oh, fuck,” you moan, needing to pull the orgasm out before you collapse. Why did you think doing this in the shower was a great idea? Trying to focus on your orgasm while keeping yourself upright is torture. So close. So fucking close.

Your body is shaking as the water hits your torso, hand roaming your body for something more to help release the tension. Namjoon’s eyes are fixed on your chest, watching the water assail the flesh surrounding your nipple.

“That’s it, baby. You got it.”

He would scold himself for using a term of endearment he’s never used with you outside of his own fantasies, but you’re so fucked out he’s hoping you won’t call him out. The words of encouragement edge you towards release. You exhale a loud breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding.

“Fuck, Namjoon. I can’t...”

His eyebrows seem permanently knotted together, as though begging you for his own release. He can’t even think straight anymore. “Do it for me, baby. Please.”

The sound of his pleading has you on the brink of letting go. You squeeze your eyes shut, feeling that surge coming. It’s going to hit you hard; you can tell. You straighten your legs, whole body tensing up.

“Oh fuck. Oh shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Joonie. Joonie. Joonie. J--”

Your foot slips.

The cause of your pained cry is multifaceted. First of all, the universe is a dick and loves to remind you that everything you do is forever shrouded in embarrassment and shame. Secondly, that orgasm was going to undoubtedly be the best in your fucking life and it was stolen from you by that fall. Thirdly, your hip feels like it’s been dipped in lava and no amount of biting your lip can help you play things cool.

Namjoon is hovering over you in an instant, shower spraying his back. “Are you okay?!’

Embarrassment floods your features as tears trickle down your cheeks. You want to nod in reassurance but you can’t help but shake it no. His hands cup the back of your head, forcing you to look into eyes that are too concerned to think straight.

“Did you hit your head?”

“No,” you manage to choke out between strained breaths. “Just my hip. Gimme a minute.”

You wail out a long sound, mostly just to vent your frustration at the situation. It makes him feel guilty even though he knows it’s not his fault. You sit up with a wince, but quickly burst into laughter when you notice he’s couched down in waterlogged sweatpants.

“Na-Namjoon, turn off the water,” you say, trying to hold back the giggles as you point up. “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head?”

He raises his eyebrows and blinks at you and then he looks down at himself. His mind was so preoccupied…

“Ah! Shit.” He reaches up to turn the knob and the water stops pouring through the head, though his sweatpants have already absorbed a massive amount. At least it made you feel better.

“Towel please,” you say, clutching your knees to your chest to try and cover your body.

He shakes his stupor off and leans out to grab the fluffy white towel hanging nearby. “You know, you can’t blame me for not thinking straight,” he grumbles, handing it over. “We were... having a moment.”

“I know,” you admit with a smirk, wrapping it around you. “I was enjoying it. Too much obviously.”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

He helps you into his bed and encourages you to lay back against the pillows, despite your protests that your hair is soaking wet and will dry before that pillow ever does.

“It’s fine. Relax,” he says rummaging through a drawer nearby. He disappears for a moment, the wet squelching beneath his feet indicating he’s going back into the bathroom, but you can still hear him. “You should probably rest your side.”

When he returns he’s sporting a pair of black oversized basketball shorts and he’s got both hands stuffed in his pockets. His golden brown skin seems to glow under the soft LED candles, shadows carved into muscles you never realized he possessed. The mattress sinks when he sits down on the edge of the bed beside you and you gulp.

“I’m fine. I’m just a clutz.”

“That makes two of us.” He smiles, eyeing the place where the two ends of the towel meet at your thigh.

“Can I look?” he asks without a second thought.

Your face burns with the flames of embarrassment. “Wh-What?”

His eyes widen as they snap to your face. “Uhhh, your injury! I definitely wasn’t asking to see your clit again. I mean, not that I wouldn’t love to see it again. I would. I just, uh…” He coughs and runs a hand through his hair. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

You grin like a smitten fool, glad to not be the only one struggling with composure. The sound of the rain pelting the window nearby has become comfortable padding for the moments of silence you’re unsure how to fill. Slowly, you reach down to pull the towel aside just enough to reveal the red welt at your hip.

He grits his teeth and cringes. “Ouch.”

“It really doesn’t hurt that bad now,” you try to reason.

“Yeah, that’s bullshit.”

“No, really, it’s just a little…” you feel along the reddened patch of skin and flinch when your fingers make contact, allowing a little hiss to pass through your teeth. “...tender.”

“Hmm.” He looks at it closely, trying to figure out if there’s anything he can do. “Ah. Hold tight.”

He leaves and returns with an ice pack, gently pressing the cloth into your side to offer relief.

“That’s better, thank you,” you say, overlaying your hand on his and holding the pack in place. “But there is one more thing you can do, if you want.”

“Hmm?”

“Kiss it better?”

“I don’t think it works like that,” he says with a smirk, already pressing his lips to the skin outside of the ice pack.

Your eyes close and you roll your head back into the soft pillows. The sensation of his lips skimming the outside of your hip is driving you crazy, but he never lifts the pack. Instead he skirts around it and begins kissing down the outside of your thigh.

“Hold this in place, okay?”

His hand slips out from beneath yours and you look up just in time to catch him running the flat of his tongue in a line to your knee. As his dark eyes check in with you, he bends your knee enough to dip his head beneath it and press his lips to this side. Your calf rests on his shoulder as he begins to suck on the tender flesh at your inner thigh. He lightly nips at the skin and pauses, seeking your approval.

“Do you want me to keep going?”

“Yes, please, yes.”

He smiles, sucking your skin between his teeth and basking in the delighted sigh that passes your lips in response. You wiggle your hips as he works his way up, anticipating those big soft lips finally pressing where you want them the most. He climbs onto the bed on his elbows, positioning himself between your legs to get more comfortable. He pauses to admire the string of marks he’s left behind.

He grins when you hook your other leg around his shoulder and buck your hips towards him with need. “What, impatient already?”

“I was so fucking close, Joon,” you whine.

“I know. Don’t worry. I’ll get there. Chill,” he laughs, turning his face back to your thigh and pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses into it.

Despite this being everything he wants, he’s worried if he goes too fast, he won’t be able to enjoy it. He wants to take his time with you. You moan as he sucks another bruise into the soft flesh, inches away from your dripping cunt. He can practically taste that sweet tang on his mouth as he breathes in. To think you were embarrassed about this earlier… Ridiculous. Feeling the heat of your sex so close, he pauses to rest his cheek on the inside of your thigh and swipes his tongue out a few times to tease your labia.

You ball the edge of the towel in your fist and swipe the material away from your body. It’s useless to you now anyway. “Fuck. Namjoon. Please. Just do it already.”

“Do what?” He plays dumb as he smirks, lapping at your outer folds with the tip of his tongue.

You turn your head to the side and whimper against the pillow. The words are both breathless and desperate as they come out. “Please, eat this fucking pussy.”

So much for taking his time. He wraps his arms around your legs and drags you down just a bit meet his hungry mouth, groaning into your clit as he presses the flat of his tongue against it. Heaven. You taste like fucking heaven. He’ll eat you out every day for the rest of his life if you let him.

“Oh, god, yes,” you cry out, forgetting about the ice pack you’re clutching at your waist.

Both of your hands shoot down to tangle in his hair and he has to stop himself from grinding his hips down into the mattress as you tug. While he doesn’t want to cum in his pants, he allows himself to steal a glance up at the way your breasts have pushed together with your arms like this. Another breathy groan sends vibrations rippling from your clit up to your belly and it earns another weak moan from you in return.

“Fuck,” you whisper, propping yourself up on your elbows to get a better view of the man eating you out better than anyone ever has.

You squeeze at your breasts, trying to keep yourself from pushing his head against you even harder. Just when you think he can’t be any more sinful, you feel the first finger glide into your pussy. You tense and take a loud inhale. Holy shit.

When you don’t make the pornstar noise he expects, his ego deflates a tiny bit. He lifts his head to look at your fucked out expression, noting the almost pained way your eyebrows come together and your eyes snap shut, rolling your head to one side.

“Nonononono, don’t stop, please.”

Based on that reaction, he already knows the answer and he feels foolish for asking. “Are you enjoying it?”

It’s not that he’s insecure. At all. You’re just not making the sounds other girls have made once he’s gotten them here. Okay, maybe he’s a teeny bit insecure. He continues to pump his finger into you, feeling the tightness in your walls clamp down on him. It’s hard not to imagine what that might feel like surrounding his throbbing cock. There’s the subtle chase of your hips coming down to meet his palm every time he thrusts his finger up into you. Watching it disappear inside you makes his eyes roll back.

“Joon, do you think I’d be this wet if I wasn’t enjoying it? Please. Keep going.”

He wets his lips, tasting you on them again before sucking back down on your clit. When he realizes how effortlessly his finger is gliding inside you he decides to add another, smiling when he feels your pussy clench and adjust to the newest intrusion.

“Na-Namjoon!” you cry out, throwing your head back.

“Mmm?” he hums innocently against you, flicking his tongue against that sensitive bundle of nerves.

Each pass he makes in tandem with his fingers causes that tingling heat in your belly to grow.

Your legs are shaking but your clit is starting to go numb, and a nervousness swells inside of you, blocking out all sensations of pleasure. You told him you’re a mess. You warned him. There’s so much you wish you could change about your brain. But the anxiety over letting go, of not being able to soothe the ache of another person’s shattered confidence ensures you won’t be able to reach that finish line without some miracle. It feels incredible at certain moments, but every time start to let yourself give in, your body tenses, reminding yourself there’s so much riding on making him feel good by reaching that climax.

If he’s anything like the guys you’ve been with in the past, he’ll focus on it. He’s not though, is he? Now you’re focusing on it. Now you definitely can’t cum. You don’t want to hurt his feelings. Could you just fake it? Would he know?

You’re unaware of the worry plastered on your face and as he looks up to read your expression, it tips him off. Ego only slightly battered, he removes his fingers from your pussy and licks them clean before climbing up the mattress beside you. Thankful for his ability to read your body language, you grab the towel and cling to it, clamping your legs shut and turning to face him.

“You’re anxious,” he says plainly, though you can’t help but take it as an accusation.

“You’re hot,” you fire back with a nervous laugh.

“And you look like a goddess right now, but that’s besides my point. Talk to me, Y/N. What’s wrong? Did I do something you didn’t like? You can tell me.”

You feel so fucking guilty. He’s too good for you.

“Look, you know I have trouble letting things go. Pleasure is… no different. I start to and then—”

“You panic?”

You nod and hug the towel close to your chin. “The last person I was with put a lot of stress on making me… you know, finish. And it was always, always my fault when I couldn’t. There was so much pressure over it that I forgot how to relax with another person. I couldn’t because I was thinking about how mad they’d be if I couldn't.”

“You know you don’t have to worry about that with me,” he says, pressing you towards his chest in a hug. “All I care about is whether or not you’re having a good time. I only stopped because I could tell you weren’t.”

“I just...I forgot how to let go. It’s been a long time since that person and still. I can’t do it unless I’m the one with my fingers…” You clear your throat, feeling embarrassed at having to have this conversation. “I know you’re not like them, but it’s hard. I feel like I failed you already.”

“Okay, one? Too much pressure on yourself. This is a partnership so let me take some responsibility. Which feeds into point two. It’s been…” He sheepishly rubs at the back of his neck as he counts the years. “A while for me too. You know, my skills could probably use some work. We should probably practice if we want to get better at making each other feel good.”

You laugh, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Yeah, about that. Are you gonna stick your dick in me or what? I want to make you feel good too.”

His cock twitches in his pants and he presses his lips together. “Okay, for real? We were having a real, deep, thoughtful conversation about overcoming obstacles together and you just want me balls deep.” He can’t help but crack a smile. “I see how it is.”

You wave your hand in the air dismissively. “No, no. If you wanna plan it out in excruciating detail how you’re gonna make me cum all over your fingers and your tongue, be my guest. I just figured it was time I offered something other than my tech services. But, whatever, man.”

He swallows hard, deciding to play into the game a little more. “Great. We’re on the same page then. First of all that’s your humor defense mechanism and I will not be tricked into believing you’re just gonna--Ah...”

His words break off into a moan when you nip at the brown, pebbled nipple practically calling your name.

He groans. “Playing dirty?”

“Well, I am a dirty girl, right?” you ask, playfully planting a string of hot, wet kisses across the firm muscles on his chest.

“Hobi’s nickname for you is that accurate huh? Think he’ll abandon it now that you’re mine?”

“Oh, I’m yours, huh?” you tease, kissing lines down his stomach.

“Those love bites on your thighs say you are,” he says with an amused grin as you sit up straight.

“That’s just one thigh. The rest of me is fair game, don’t you think?” You giggle when that smile turns into a frown and you move to tease the band of his shorts down.

His hands grip the back of your neck and he pulls you down into a kiss. “I’ll just have to leave my name all over you then, hmm?” he whispers in a low, breathy tone that makes your pussy clench. “Is that what you want?”

He pulls on your hair, forcing you to expose your neck to him. He latches on, sucking and laving his tongue across it. You moan, reaching down for his waistband once again, fumbling to get it down past the erection sticking straight up. He helps wiggle them past his butt and kicks them down his leg, making sure he has freedom of movement he needs. You gape at the sight of the dark, veiny cock standing at attention as he sucks another bruise into the crook of your neck. You gasp in a hungry breath, trying to keep your mouth from watering at the sight of precum beading atop its dusty pink head. You’ve never wanted to ride someone’s dick so hard in your life. You move to straddle his waist, allowing him to dive down your collarbone and suck at the soft tissue leading down towards your nipple.

He grins against your breast, trying to subdue the tremble of his fingers as they settle on your hips.

“Ah!” you wince, realizing that welt from your fall is still pretty tender as his fingers ghost over them.

“Sorry,” he murmurs against your nipple, teasing it with his tongue before sucking it in his mouth.

“It’s fine. Is it okay if I…” you position yourself over his dick and let it rest flat against his stomach. You slowly settle yourself on top and rock yourself back and forth, grinding your soaking clit perfectly on the head of his cock.

“Use me,” he grunts, wrapping his arms around your back and pulling you down so he can get his mouth back on your nipple. “Please.”

There’s a dull pain in your side as his arms graze that spot and the way you’re grinding against him certainly doesn’t help, but you’re so fucked out and needy you’re pretty sure you could walk through fire for this man. It feels like his cock was made for sliding against your folds like this.

Your panting only grows more frantic as he switches his attention to your other breast. He nibbles at the neglected nipple and digs his fingers into the small of your back to keep from shaking as you roll your body against him.

“You feel so good Joonie,” you whine, fingernails digging into his chest.

He flinches at the daggers leaving crescent impressions over his heart and forces air through his teeth. If you keep this up, he’s going to be making a big mess all up his chest.

“Condoms. I have condoms,” he mumbles.

“I have an IUD,” you whisper. “We don’t have to if you don’t wanna.”

“I don’t wanna mess this up,” he whispers, pulling you down into a kiss as your clit continues to grind against his girthy length. You can feel his abs tense as his tip kisses your opening. “Ask me again when I’m not already so fucking close to putting it in. I can’t think straight.”

“That means we should. Where are they?” You whimper as his fingers reach down to rub tiny, gentle circles against your clit and he points to the nightstand beside the bed.

He sucks air through his teeth as your pussy spasms in response to his fingers touching you. You lean forward to reach for the drawer and he sucks your tit in his mouth, working his mouth over the flesh and letting his tongue leave trails all over your chest as you move forward.

“Joonie, you’re making it really hard to concentrate,” you chide, reaching in the drawer and pulling out the little box thankfully sitting on top of whatever other oddities he keeps inside that drawer. “How old are these?”

You flip the tiny box over in your hands, trying to read the packaging while he kisses your neck. Fuck, why is the type so small?

“Mmm bought em a few weeks ago,” he hums into your neck. “After the whole sleeping in your bed thing. Just in case.”

“3-pack, huh? Think you’d get that lucky?” you tease, ripping open the box. “You didn’t even open it yet. What if I asked you to fuck me when we were out?”

“You wouldn’t. You’re too shy.” He laughs, yoinking the condoms from your hand.

You puff your cheeks out at him. “But like… I could have though.”

“No, you couldn’t have,” he reminds you, eagerly tearing the foil in half. “Firewall.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You right.” You roll off him to give him space, chewing on a nail as you admire his form.

He breathes a soft sound through his teeth, trying to calm the nerves racing through his chest. You see the way his fingers tremble as they struggle to roll the latex down his shaft so you place your hands on top of his and help him. Yours aren’t much better in terms of stability, but you want him to know you’ll be nervous going into this together.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to worry with me either.”

A jagged breath escapes him as he leans into you. “I know.”

He breathes out trepidation before moving in to claim your lips with his own. The weight of his body presses you down into the mattress as he gently wedges himself between your legs. You can feel his tip poking at your entrance and you can’t help but wiggle your hips, hoping he’ll guide himself inside soon. You want to feel that delicious stretch with Namjoon filling you to the hilt and holding you close.

His hips are still as he dives his tongue in your mouth, cock offering only the slightest twitch at the way he can feel your walls pulsing, threatening to pull him in at any second. There’s no way he’s going to last if he goes in now. He just needs a second to compose himself. Maybe a few. Maybe a minute? His fingers trail shaky lines over your jaw, trying to distract you with the passion in his kiss.

“Are you okay?” you ask, breaking the kiss and watching his eyes carefully. “We don’t have to do this if you’re having second thoughts. If you’re not in, then neither am I. We can go watch a movie instead.”

“It’s not that.” He shakes his head with a dramatic sigh, dropping his head into the crook of your neck. “You feel too good.”

“But you haven’t even… I mean, not really—”

“This feels too good,” he corrects himself, running a palm up and down your arm. “Being with you.”

“How is that a problem?” you ask, confusion marring your features as you run your fingers through his hair. “I feel like I’m floating, like I wanna keep chasing this high because I never wanna come down off of you. I want to feel even closer. ”

He exhales a long breath. How does he phrase this? “Uh, it’s a problem because I’m too excited. I want this to last and—”

“Oh you’re worried about cumming too soon?”

He swallows his embarrassment, saying nothing as he kisses at your collarbone.

“Don’t be. I don’t care how long you last. I just want to make you feel good. We’ll go for as long as you last and we have two more condoms for later, hmm? We can always get more if you’re feeling wild. My treat.”

“Sugar momma?” He looks up at you with adoration, your grin spreading to his lips as he presses them against you.

“Ew.” You laugh against him. “Me and my five dollars are going home, sorry. I’m out now.”

“Don’t play, come on.” He laughs softly, tucking your hair behind your ear. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you whisper, pulling him into a deep kiss.

That’s when you feel his tip teasing your hole, slowly entering like he’s afraid he’s going to break you. Your fingernails dig into his shoulders as he sinks in, sighing in ecstasy against his lips. Your pussy squeezes him tight, already threatening to milk him dry before he’s even bottomed out inside you. Your walls pulse around him and you moan his name softly in his ear. Oh.Shit. Shit Shit.

He panics, sinking the rest of the way down as though burying himself inside you can hide the orgasm cresting too fast to stop. You cry out, clamping your arms around his back at the sudden stretch.

“Oh fuck, baby.” His breathing stutters and he pulls maybe halfway out before he slams his hips back into you, balls tapping against your ass. “Shit. I’m sorry. Fuck. I’m cumming.”

“Joonie, I love you. It’s okay. I love you,” you whisper between passionate kisses.

His dick twitches inside you as he grunts, letting your tight pussy squeeze the cum out of him until he’s pretty sure he’s spilled everything he has into the condom. He’s breathing heavy, peppering your jaw with soft kisses. He’s growing soft inside you and it’s so fucking sensitive to subject himself to staying, but fuck, he doesn’t want to leave the comfort of your warm cunt.

With a defeated sigh, he ties the condom in a knot and tosses it in the trash before laying down beside you. “I swear I’m not a failure at everything.”

“You’re not a failure at anything. Come here, Joonie.” You gesture towards yourself, smushing your tits together for him as though he needed more incentive to climb on your chest.

He grunts but obliges, resting his head on your breasts and allowing you to comb your fingers through his hair. You place a chaste kiss on the top of his head. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He turns his head into your skin and gives you a wet kiss right outside your nipple. When you shudder he grins.

“This was just… practice. I learned a lot already,” you shyly comfort him. “Like. Wow. Vaginas are amazing. I can really take that much dick. Crazy.” You pause to watch him smile. “Ha, knew I could get you to laugh. Don’t worry. I have a feeling we’ll do even better next round.”

“You want another round after that?”

“Mmm-hmm. Very much,” you giggle and lean in, voice low. “Now that I know how sexy you sound when you cum, how am I supposed to resist you? What, I’m just supposed to forget and let that memory go? Uh-uh.”

He looks down at his flaccid dick and sighs. “I need time to recharge.”

“That’s fine. I mean, you’ll give me some time to get worked up again too. Didn’t you mention breakfast? Weren’t you gonna show me your mad cooking skills?” you tease, poking his sweaty side with a finger.

He jumps up, not remembering if he turned the burner off or not. “Oh shit. The bacon!”

You start cackling as the image of Namjoon running out of the room stark naked sears itself into your brain for eternity. You reach over for your phone, debating texting Jennie about everything. You quickly decide you want to keep this to yourself for at least the rest of the afternoon. Tonight is Saturday, after all and it’s bound to come out once everyone is together.

You roll on your side and listen to the rain falling against the window. So this is love, huh? It’s nice.

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: A Fight in the Shadows (1/16)

Summary: After her grandfather Grumman’s death in mysterious circumstances, private detective Riza Hawkeye receives a letter from him, instructed to be delivered to her after his demise. She is floored to discover he was the head of the Amestrian Intelligence Network, and the secrets he’s found out are deep and dangerous. He mentions a conspiracy within the military, and instructs her to gather together a group of individuals he trusts to assist her in continuing his work.

To say that they’re a rag-tag bunch is putting it kindly, but when they finally get their act together and delve into the mystery, they uncover something that will shake the very foundations of Amestris…

An espionage AU with some core canon elements.

Rated: T

==

A Fight in the Shadows

[AO3]

One

Roy

In all of her years working as a private detective, Riza had learned that one really ought to expect the unexpected, especially in a place like Amestris, and especially in a place like Central City. It took a lot to phase her; working on the principle that she had already seen everything there was to see and that whatever latest Central Weirdness was about to arrive at her door, it couldn’t be any weirder than everything she had already dealt with. 

That said, she really wasn’t expecting to get a letter from her grandfather a week after he died. 

Riza knew that her grandfather had died. She had been the one the hospital had called to identify his body, and she had certainly identified it beyond all reasonable doubt as Charles Grumman. Now, she had indeed come across cases of people faking their deaths before, but she had no reason to assume that this was what her grandfather had done. He had no earthly reason to do so. He had spent his entire life working as an unimportant pen-pushing bureaucrat in some backroom government department in Eastern, and he had died in a car accident. That was all there was to it. 

The letter, however, implied that there was definitely more to it than Riza anticipated. 

It was definitely from Grumman. She recognised the same handwriting that had left odd little flowery messages in her birthday cards for as long as she could remember. Sitting there so innocently on her desk where she had brought it in unknowingly with the rest of the mail, it seemed to be hiding a multitude of secrets. 

The most logical explanation, of course, was that it had been written and sent prior to his demise and had just been delayed in the post. There was nothing suspicious about that. 

Except, of course, for the fact that her grandfather never wrote to her except for the aforementioned birthday cards. And he certainly never addressed the letters as ‘private and confidential, for the eyes of R. HAWKEYE only’. 

Riza was beginning to think that perhaps he had faked his death after all. She sighed. Whatever was in the letter, she knew that the moment she opened it, she was going to end up getting into something far deeper than she had any intention of getting into anything, and it would be a one way trip. She would not be able to back out. A part of her was screaming to just burn the letter and pretend it had never arrived, and then go on with her day. Another part was telling her that whether she read it or not, she was involved now – Grumman had ensured that from the moment he had sent it. 

She snatched up the letter before she could second guess herself and sliced it open with such force that Hayate gave a worried yelp, perhaps concerned that she would turn the letter opener on him next. 

It was from Grumman all right. Riza sank down into her desk chair as she read the tightly packed text that proved to her once and for all that there were some unexpected things that really could never be expected, and that she had not, in fact, seen everything. 

To the outside observer, the letter would have been gibberish. It was gibberish to Riza herself until she remembered how much her grandfather had always loved word games. He had been creating codes for her to play with ever since she could read and write; it had always been their little thing that they could bond over, something that she could keep secret from her father and have as wholly her own.

Grumman hadn’t written to her in code for a very long time, not since her teen years, but she had still kept all the ciphers he had created with her, including the most complicated one that she had been so proud of creating. She recognised some of it in the letter, and she settled down with a pencil and the main cipher, beginning the painstaking task of decoding it all character by character.

With the deciphering complete, she read the letter through three times before the true meaning of it really started to sink in, and she knew that Grumman had definitely got her involved with something she could not back out of, and she was already in it up to her neck. 

At least she was now fairly certain that he had not faked his death, even though she now knew that he was not, and never had been, an unimportant pen-pushing bureaucrat. No, no. In life, Charles Grumman had been the head of the Amestrian Intelligence Service. 

In short, her grandfather had not only been a spy, he’d been the most important spy in the country.

At least that explained his preoccupation with secret codes. It hadn’t just been an odd fancy to keep her entertained. He had been training her up to follow in his footsteps and ensuring that if something ever happened, like it had indeed just happened, then he had someone he could trust and a code no-one else knew how to break.

Riza leaned heavily on the desk and began on the letter for the fourth time, still not quite believing what she was reading. 

My dear Riza,

If you are reading this letter, then I am dead. The circumstances will probably look like natural causes or an accident, but they will have been anything but. I am leaving this letter in the care of a trusted associate, to be delivered in the event of my untimely demise. 

I don’t know if you ever suspected the true nature of my profession at any point, but the time has come to be candid with you. I am, and have always been, an intelligence operative. I am a spy for the Amestrian Intelligence Service, and it is as a result of this intelligence that I have found myself in a very dangerous position. 

I know it is unfair of me to put this onto your young shoulders and put you into this same dangerous position, but in this profession you learn to trust few and trust even fewer with your life. I think I may have trusted the wrong people, but I have always trusted you. You are a bloodhound, Riza, and I know that you will sniff out those responsible for my death and continue the work that I have started, exposing the terrible truth that underpins the entirety of Amestris, because I know I have only just begun to scratch the surface of what is going on in our country. 

There are a few individuals whom I do trust to assist you, and I advise you to find and make use of their many and varied talents. To make things easier, I have also sent a letter like this one to the first of these contacts. I don’t know if you have kept up with the career of your father’s former student, but you must have heard in among of the renown of the one they call the Flame Alchemist. Roy Mustang is in fact an intelligence operative like myself and is my most trusted subordinate. He has his own off-book network who should provide you with a wide range of skills you may need. 

If all has gone to plan, Mustang should be arriving in Eastern on the day you receive this letter…

Riza remembered Roy Mustang. They’d practically lived in each other’s pockets for the two years that he had been apprenticed under her father, learning the secrets of flame alchemy. There had been talk of him joining the military academy (and of course, her father’s reaction to that particular suggestion had been well-documented), but when the time came, he had chosen a different path, and after his training was finished and he had left the Hawkeye home for the final time, Riza had not seen him again.

A part of her had always wondered what he had ended up doing. After her father’s death she had not kept up with the gossip and rumours in the alchemy circles. After everything that had happened, she had wanted to keep as far away from it all as possible. Almost unconsciously, she reached around behind her, touching the small of her back as if she could still feel the sharp sting of the needle there as her father bound her up indelibly with his research. 

So no, she had not heard of the renown of the Flame Alchemist. At least now she knew what Roy had been up to in the intervening years. She had been glad when he had decided not to go into the military, but at the same time, the line that he seemed to have walked instead seemed scarcely better. 

Riza shook herself. She was one to talk; her own profession didn’t exactly bring her along the most morally upstanding path, and there was a good deal of espionage in what she did on a daily basis, although following cheating husbands and finding evidence seemed pretty tame compared to national intelligence work. Still, she was in no position to judge what Roy and her grandfather did. 

Roy… It must be nearly ten years since she had last seen him. It was his hands that she remembered above everything else. She had always tried to put that down to an upbringing steeped in alchemy; whilst some people noticed height or build or hair colour or eye colour, alchemists tended to look at hands as the first thing of note. Their hands were their craft, after all, be they gloved or tattooed or bare. Roy had typically worn spark gloves towards the end of his training. Her father, ever the traditionalist, had disapproved at first, but had eventually been talked around to the practicalities of not needing an ignition source on hand all the time - or rather, having an ignition source literally on hand all the time. 

At the beginning, though, when he had still been learning, his hands had been bare, his fingers long and tapered. They were always warm, his hands, and Riza had never known if that was from the flame alchemy or if he was just naturally like that. She remembered the touch of his fingertips on her back, and immediately felt her cheeks colour up. There had been nothing like that between them, but since Riza was the canvas for the full array and her father had destroyed the rest of his research for fear of it falling into the wrong hands, she had felt that Roy needed to see it. 

He was still the only person who’d ever seen her bare back, and she didn’t think she’d ever forget that little gasp that he gave when he saw it: admiring the beauty of the craftsmanship and shocked that it had been crafted on living skin - her living skin - at the same time. 

She’d been seventeen then, embarrassed at being half-naked in front of a boy, even if they’d been friends for over a year and he couldn’t see anything from the front. Even more embarrassing was how much she’d found that she really wouldn’t mind feeling those warm fingertips in other places. 

Riza groaned, crumpling Grumman’s letter up into a ball and knocking her forehead against her desk a few times. She hadn’t thought about Roy for years, and she had long since got over her silly teenage crush on him, figuring that of course she’d ended up feeling that way about him because he was the only member of the opposite sex other than her father and grandfather that she ever had any interaction with at the time. It was bound to happen from the sheer novelty value if nothing else. 

She really didn’t need to be reminded of it now. Not when she was about to get unwillingly dragged into the world of international espionage and investigate her grandfather’s murder. The last thing she needed to be thinking about was whether Roy’s hands were still as warm as they had always been before.

Riza sighed, pushed all thoughts of Roy Mustang very firmly out of her head, and straightened out Grumman’s letter again, tucking it into the chest pocket of her shirt. Every single spy novel she’d ever read (now her grandfather’s extensive collection made a certain ironic sense) was telling her that she ought to burn it, but she was not in the habit of memorising letters having only had them in her hands for a few minutes, so it would have to stay on her person for now. Besides, she might need to compare notes with Roy. Drat, now she was thinking about him again. 

If he was arriving into Eastern, where she was to go herself in just a few short hours, then Grumman had probably instructed him to go to the funeral, so at least Riza wouldn’t need to look for him since her grandfather had given no further hints as to where he might be found. Hopefully, Roy would have a few more clues as to what needed to be done. The rest of the letter had detailed several more people that Grumman wanted her to recruit, and she would likely need Roy’s connections to do so. This was not a simple investigation by any stretch of the imagination. 

Riza dragged herself away from her desk, Hayate padding along at her heels as she went to pack a bag for the trip to Eastern. Grumman’s funeral was the next morning. As much as she wished it was sooner so that she could get some answers, she also wanted to put it off as long as possible. 

What had he got her into?

X

The funeral was a fairly standard affair. Riza was Grumman’s closest family left, and even then, they had not been all that close in recent years. She didn’t recognise any of the other people gathered around the grave and making a polite show of mourning, but she assumed that they were people who had known her grandfather. She idly wondered how many of them were spies, or if they were all under the impression, like she had been, that he was a harmless old man sitting in a back office somewhere. 

As she’d suspected, Roy was there. He didn’t join the main group, hanging back in the shade of a tree and watching from afar. He hadn’t changed much. His face and shoulders had filled out from the slightly gawky nineteen year old he’d been when she’d last seen him, but he was still instantly recognisable as Roy. He wasn’t looking in her direction, more staring into the middle distance, and Riza wondered if he had noticed that she was there and recognised her. She didn’t think she’d changed all that much either. Her hair was longer now, but that was about it.

A small part of her, in the back of her mind, was annoyed that he’d turned up and was so obvious, because now she couldn’t stop glancing over at him every five seconds and she couldn’t concentrate on the service. Not that she’d really been concentrating on it before she’d noticed Roy. Something in the back of her mind kept telling her that whoever had killed her grandfather might have sent someone to his funeral to make sure that he was actually in his grave, and now she was looking around at all the unfamiliar faces and wondering which of them, if any, she should trust. 

At last it was over and people started moving away from the graveside. Riza hung back for what she hoped was a respectful amount of time, making small talk with the minister, and when she did finally walk away, she saw that Roy was waiting for her. She made her way over to him and they moved away from his tree. He smiled as she approached. She remembered that smile.

“Hello, Riza. It’s been a long time.”

“Hi. Thanks for coming. How’ve you been keeping all this time?”

“Oh, you know. Here and there, this and that.” If there was ever a more ‘if I told you I’d have to kill you’ answer, Riza had yet to hear it. “Keeping busy. What about you? Grumman told me you went into private investigations.”

“Yes. It’s interesting work. I’ve always been fascinated with solving puzzles. I suppose that’s why…” She tailed off, and there was a long pause. How did one go about starting a conversation about secret messages and secret agents with a secret agent? Thankfully, Roy saved her the trouble.

“I assume you received a letter.”

“Yes, I did.”

“What did you do with it?”

“It’s… on my person.” She didn’t tell him she’d stuffed it in her bra as the most secure place she could think of.

“Fair enough.”

Riza stopped suddenly, causing Roy to stop as well and turn back to her.

“Should we really be discussing all this out in the open like this?”

Roy nodded. “It’s the best place to discuss things. There’s a reason why all the important conversations in the novels take place on park benches or looking out over rivers on misty bridges. The misty bridges are a bit romantic, but it’s always better to talk outdoors. It’s easy to bug a room and listen in, but it’s much easier to see if you’re being watched or followed out here in a nice, quiet, open location.”

That made sense, and Riza fell into step beside Roy again as they continued to walk through the cemetery. There was no one else around.

“Have you got any idea what’s going on?” she asked. “I’ve got a list of people who can help, but it’s not going to be much good if I don’t even know what they’re supposed to be helping with.”

Roy shook his head. “No, you probably know more than me at this stage. My instructions were just to help you in any way I could. So, I guess my services are at your command.”

“Grumman mentioned you had a secret network.”

“Yes. I’ve already contacted them. They mostly work out of Central, as I believe you do too. We can meet them in a few days. I have a safe meeting place there.”

“Oh. Ok.” At least Roy seemed to have his side of the plan all figured out. Maybe once she met this mysterious network and worked out what skills she had at her disposal, she’d have a better plan for what to do next. 

They fell into silence for a long time again. Ordinarily Riza knew the basic etiquette for making small talk with someone you hadn’t seen for a decade. You asked about their family, you talked about the weather, you nodded politely in all the right places. But Roy was more than someone she hadn’t seen in a decade, and both their lives were so steeped in subterfuge and solitude that nothing seemed right as she thought it. That was probably what led to the next words out of her mouth.

“You know, I think that you’re actually the worst secret agent in the world.”

Roy laughed. “Oh really? And what makes you think that?”

“All the time you were standing under that tree, I couldn’t take my eyes off you, and I’m sure that there were a few other people who couldn’t either. You weren’t exactly inconspicuous. I thought spying was all about blending into the background.”

“It is, until it isn’t. Sometimes you need to be noticed and draw attention to yourself. Besides, there are two ways to follow someone. The first way, they never see you. The second way, they only see you.”

Riza felt her blood run cold, and she looked over her shoulder. There was still no one around besides her and Roy; everyone else had gone the more direct route out of the cemetery after the service was over. 

All the same, his words were not at all reassuring.

[hillbillyoracle]

My Complicated Feelings on Waking Witcblr

I've been posting less on Tumblr as I try to figure out what direction I want to take my work. It became pretty clear to me at the end of last year that I wasn't putting out as much work that I was proud of and didn't really know where to go next. It seems like a lot of folks were going through a similar reevaluation as I saw less and less of blogs I really loved.

I've been seeing more Waking Wichblr content rolling across my dash and I've been having some really conflicted feelings on it. On the one hand, I understand the impulse and I love that folks are organizing around it. On the other, I think it fails to grapple with some deep issues the community has and a fallow period could be really fruitful. Let me explain.

Witchblr Hinges on Consumption, Not Conversation

As it currently stands, much of Witchblr hinges on consumption. People reblog things like they're collecting things. I feel like a lot of my pieces wind up being put on a shelf and not much happens with them. There's often not a lot of interaction when I post.

The conversations around pieces tend to happen on other platforms like Discord and y'all I cannot stand most Witchblr discords so I'm not privy to those conversations. I've noticed a marked drop in comments on my work over the last year. One of the reasons I started posting my work on Tumblr was to get feedback and as that's dropped off, I've turned my attention to longer form works. And the strange things is, I kind of get the same level of interaction. It's incentivized me to put more of my energy into creating workbooks, zines, and a support group.

I'm not mad about that at all. I feel very neutral about it. But it is a factor. If the conversation is going to take place away from where authors can benefit from hearing about it, the platform becomes less engaging and less valuable to those producing content.

Witchblr Often Wants to Consume With Paying

After watching several communities connected to Tumblr collapse because leadership got worn thin or didn't have enough money to keep it going on their own, I'm pretty jaded about how much a lot of folks actually want to keep the communities going.

Folks who genuinely don't have money - I'm not talking to you. You're great, you're doing what you can, you can skip this. But I am talking to folks who will drop $50-$100 on "witchcraft supplies" per month but balk at spending $5 to keep a server going on Mastadon or support a writer they love on Patreon.

It says a lot about what those folks value. Content, education, resources - those are expected to be free. Which means those of us who are trying to do it have to take time away from creating content to productize our work in hopes of making any money from it at all.

If there's one thing I wish Witchblr would take from Christianity, it's the concept of the tithe. Of setting aside a percentage of income each month to support the community. It doesn't have to be 10%, it can be 1% for all I care, but just that sense that its our duty as members of a spiritual community to monetarily support those who are following their calling of teaching.

Witchblr Needs to Stop Consuming and Start Documenting to Survive

I'm seeing calls to revive Witchblr by encouraging folks to make more posts which I think is an extremely bad idea. I've said this in other places but the big issue Witchblr has is that so many folks are new. And new people are trying to teach new people how to do things neither of them has much experience with. It's made Witchblr an echo chamber of people spouting the same lines with very little sourcing or evaluation. A lot of what gets passed around winds up being not very high quality.

So are new folks just supposed to lurk? Not at all. New folks can serve two super important roles that benefit everyone, experienced and new, can benefit from - documentation and curation.

For folks who are truly just starting out, documentation is hands down the most important and valuable thing you can offer the community. Do not instruct folks to do what you've done. Instead document what you tried, what sources you used, and whether it was successful or not successful and why. There's so much value in being an artful observer at any stage of development.

For folks who are a little more experienced but still new - hands down one of the best things you can do is the painstaking work of curation. People who make master posts of resources that helped them are gods I tell you. Shout people out. Boost the work that's helping you. It's invaluable.

Tumblr's Policies Have Driven Folks Away and They Will Again

I think it's important to remember that the one of the first mass exoduses of Witchblr blogs happened with the anti-sex media policies Tumblr instituted in 2018. Many people migrated onto their own platforms after the announcement was made in solidarity with people who would be put out of business or needlessly flagged because of the policies. Many of those independent blogs unfortunately petered out and I can't find many of those writers anywhere anymore. I'm still mourning that loss and miss them greatly.

For those who have the time and the spoons to do so, what I would love to see is a network that connects independent blogs with Tumblr blogs (if this is already happening, let me know). A roundup style blog that curates posts both on tumblr and off would be amazing. Without something that, we're likely to fall prey to more exits as Tumblr makes changes. There's always the chance that Tumblr could go away entirely! Having hubs that can connect folks with blogs that isn't entirely based on one platform would go a long way to keeping folks engaged in the long term.

If Witchblr Can't Figure These Things Out, A Fallow Period Could Be Great Actually

For folks who've not been through a community fallow period, this may seem like dire straights. I remember when I was seeing some of my favorite communities dwindle in 2010, I felt scared I was going to lose people I cared about and resources I depended on. But what wound up happening is that many of those communities survived. The people who were the most devoted kept coming back and contributing. Or they'd come back when they could and leave when they couldn't.

People need time to process and practice all the information that's been given to them. If Witchblr does wind up winding down (again, because I've been on the platform since 2008, it's done this at least 3 or more times now) it will likely come with the added benefit of more people synthesizing the material they're reading, practicing it, and having genuinely valuable notes of their own to add. I think it could go a long way toward enriching the community.

I think of it a little like compost. Sometimes the community has to break down a little before it can be fertile ground again. It needs an off season. Even in parts of the world where the weather could technically support year round agriculture, there's a deep understanding that the ground needs to rest. So if Witchblr does slow down, don't fret. Keep practicing, keep processing. And then, when you're ready, tell us about it.

Conclusion

These are just some thoughts I've had knocking around and wanted to get out in words. They're a bit messy but I wanted to see if they resonated with anyone else. Communities are cyclical. Low periods are needed and helpful. They tend to kick back in pretty organically if the foundation is laid properly (and even when it's not). I hope folks are well out there!

[tomsandal]

A Cup to go

a/n: brought to you by me asking what should i write and Pap answering "coffee shop au or whatever people write about these days"

characters: červená kapota, tom sandál, leva p. pneumatika (background), tobi polobotka (background)

warnings: none

words: 4,6k

The Luxorn cup

Part of the Artanar sterling silver tea and coffee set, originally belonging to a bygone Liechtenstein royal family and currently one of the most expensive antiques in the world. And that is for a good reason. The set is decorated with accents of gold and embellished with an array of rubies, garnets and red opals, with a large fire opal as its centrepiece.

All of that makes it shiny enough to make any respected lawbreaker want to get their hands on it.

It comes as a surprise then, that this piece of treasure is not sought after very much. That is, because it just so happened, that many years back this set was being transported across the pacific to a highly acclaimed auction when it mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again in the light of day.

That is, until now.

Word has been going around the streets of a certain long lost cup set piece. A hint here, a suggestion there and suddenly there is even a rumoured location. Location in the shape of a very unassuming coffee shop.

In front of which stood a certain red-clad thief.

Červená Kapota scanned the storefront of the shop from the other side of the street. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. The outlet was painted in cheerful pastel colours with their display boards full of saccharine sweet words written in excessive loops and currently accomodating a fair share of customers inside. She got to give it to them, if this all truly is just a front for a criminal organisation, then they did a mighty fine job with it. What a cheeky plan though, simply hide a cup in a coffee shop and everyone is none the wiser. Well, except her obviously.

That's why she is here in the first place.

A week ago she applied for a job there, with a plan to assimilate with the staff and find out where the famed teaware was hiding and swoop it right under their noses. Easy job, just in and out, a deserved rest after her painstaking previous venture. So she didn’t need to worry about ruining her current streak of successful heists.

And luck seemed to be on her side.

Earlier that day Kapota received an email from the store owner, informing her that her application was accepted and to show up to the interview at -about now- o’clock, actually. She looked up from her watch and with a last glance at their display windows, she made her way inside.

The door opened with a cute little jingle and the heavy coffee aroma hit her right in the nose. Disoriented for a second, she quickly surveyed the place before proceeding to the counter with confident steps. Once there, an employee with a high ponytail and cherry drop earrings looked up at her and fixed her with a trained smile.

“Hello and Welcome dear, you are here for the interview, right?” the barista addressed her cheerfully.

“That would be me, yes”

“Good, good. Your resume passed with flying colours and the manager will see you now.”

Of course it did, I am no amateur after all. This will be a piece of cake.

“Now if you would please follow me to the backroom, the other person is already there so yall can get right to it”

...

The what

Before Kapota had any time to voice her confusion, the aforementioned barista led her to the back of the shop, knocked on a door at the very end of the hallway, gave her a reassuring smile and left her to her own devices.

Upon hearing “Enter.” from the other side, she took a deep breath and opened the door, peering inside.

The manager sat behind a desk with two other seats in front of him.

The one on the right was empty. But the one on the left was already occupied.

Said occupant was sitting back leisurely with one hand hanging over the backrest and a head full of loud purple hair.

oh...

oh no.

Kapota cursed inwardly when the person turned around, and it did in fact turn out to be the very same guy she was expecting, coincidentally also the actual last person she would want to see right now at this very moment in this very office.

Once he turned around and took a look at her, his face turned to a brief expression of surprise but he shook it off quickly and in its place was a beaming smug grin that could be mistaken for a friendly smile by anyone else, but she knew better.

“You!” she growled and pointed at him accusatory.

“Hii Red” he simply shot back with a wink.

The audacity. What a no-good, infuriating, pompous peac-

“Ah miss Redd! Come, come. Take a seat please.” interrupted the manager, quite rudely, her train of thoughts.

“So..” he continued as she sat down, “I take it that you two have met before, is that right”

Her workmate turned his attention back to said man and with his million-dollar smile, he answered “Oh! yeah, yeah, we go way back, chums pretty much”

“Just coworkers,” she shot back.

“professional associates☆”

“acquaintances at best.”

“You wound me”

“Good.”

“ow-” “-So as I see it,” interfered the manager (yet once again), “this situation turned out as well as it could have! Since it seems that both of you are acquainted with each other already, there won't be any reason for any petty rivalry out there.” they glanced at each other, wearing the same expression, “because, you see, well we, unfortunately, have only one spot on the staff free. And you might be wondering, what now? There is two of you. Well, both of you will simply go out there and will show us if you got what it takes and I’ll pick who will be staying at the end of your shifts”

when neither of them said anything he just shooed them away with his hands and finished with “that would be all thank you, ask Marcy to give you your uniforms and run-down of the place.”

As they were getting up, she looked back at her involuntarily gained companion and suppressed a sigh. It's not that she disliked the guy that much, but with the nuisance incarnate Tom himself here, there wasn’t a single chance of this going according to plan.

///

So far so good, thought a certain Tom Sandál to himself, while picking scattered porcelain shards from the floor.

It’s already been an hour since he has been reassigned to a server instead of a barista and this is only the first cup he broke! Going strong here!

When they started their shifts, he was the one they picked first to go work behind the counter, which they regretted soon enough and pulled him from there. Yeah so he may or may not know actual nothing on how to make a decent cup of coffee or operate any of their machinery but he tried his best, and it's not like Kap lasted in that position that much longer than him when they put her there to replace him. Admittedly she actually took to it a bit better than him and managed to make it work for her, which comes as a surprise in all regards since he was pretty sure that she didn’t like coffee one bit. Suspicious.

Speaking of suspicious, he’s also pretty sure she tried to poison him twice at least in her reign behind the counter, which yes, justified, but still.

He was being a cheek and ordered a cup for himself since there weren’t many people in and there wasn’t much to do. When he got his cup, instead of the typical caramelized nutty smell of a coffee there was something he couldn't quite place but very much out of place and on top of that there was a cream poured art in the shape of a skull in the foam. When he looked back at her with a quirked eyebrow in a silent question she just smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

Never has he been this torn in making a decision. Prove a point or stay unpoisoned, choices, choices.

He didn’t dare drink it in the end.

But it was close.

The second time he did it, because yes of course he pulled it twice, he - definitely intentionally and according to plan not just a mistake thankyou- switched orders around and his poisoned cup of coffee ended up with a customer.

After that Kapota has been stripped of her coffee-making privileges and demoted to a server. So now they are both on the same playing field, only needing to look out for nudges from the other one when they are balancing a particularly high stack of tableware.

Tom finished sweeping all the stray bits of porcelain from the floor and dumped them in a bin.

A Job well done, I deserve a cookie.

And with that, he in fact pulled out a cookie from the front pocket of his apron.

Tobi swinged by the shop earlier to drop off his lunch, and also to make fun of him, but they also brought the said cookies so all is forgiven.

Munching on a cookie, he turned to the task at hand and got back to picking up cups and plates from empty seats.

When he was at his third table, with a decently sized cup tower in hands, something behind him caught his attention. Turning slightly, he saw his ol pal Kap standing over a table next to a seated customer with wavy dirty blond hair and a kind smile. The surprising part was that they seemed to be in the middle of a civil conversation.

“Well I be damned” he murmured to himself and leaned towards them.

Kapota of all people being able to make friends that fast? He was almost proud. Unless of course, it i-

/crash/

...

Aaaand that makes it a cup number two.

///

“I don't know… just give me the speciality of the house”

“Leva please I've literally worked here for two hours just pick”

///

Getting inside the head office and swiping classified documents unnoticed has been laughably easy.

When no one was looking, Kapota sneaked off to the backrooms and after confirming that the air was clear, slipped inside the now empty manager's office. With the soft click of closing doors behind her, she quickly scanned the room to see what she could work with. A computer, a corkboard, a card file cabinet and a large painting. Knowing that she was on borrowed time, she quickly proceeded with the task at hand. First, she inspected the corkboard, since it was closest to the door. A quick inspection showed that this was a dead-end, nothing more than useless paper junk and employees of the month, as she partly expected. On the other hand, the computer being also a dead end was a surprise. She searched through it back and forth and yet there was nothing relating to the cup or any nefarious activities, to be frank, there was hardly anything on the computer in general. Not good. Next, she probed the painting, an abstract piece with a decorated frame, hopefully hiding anything of use behind it. She gently lifted it off the wall and to her growing disappointment found only a bare wall hiding behind it. She took a peek at the back of the canvas, hoping to find at least some helpful note tucked to the frame, but all that was there was scribbled “dedicated to S.M., who wont pick up my calls”. She frowned and put the painting back a bit crooked.

“Looks like we’ll have to do this the old fashion way”, she said to herself as she made her way towards the card file cabinet and cracked her knuckles.

Bills, order lists, inventory stocktaking, employee files, folders upon folders of junk. Not looking good so far. She kept thumbing through the folders some more when finally a word caught her attention. “Combination safe”. The document itself was quite chaotic and all over the place, but Kapota gathered the meaning of it loud and clear. There was a safe somewhere in the building, with the combination to it scribbled charitably at the bottom of the page. Not only that, but it wasn’t just any safe that would hold the company’s earnings or anything. No, this was apparently the manager's own personal secret safe. That was about to swiftly change, sharing is caring after all.

She stashed all the folders back and turned to leave the place with her newfound goal. Though when she was across the office something made her scramble in place and dive under the desk. Something that was very unmistakenly footstep sounding, which was confirmed by the creak of the door seconds later.

Glueing herself to the inside of the desk, she held her breath and willed the person to just turn around and leave. This was far from the first time she was in a situation like this but it was nerve-wracking all the same. Few tense moments passed by and the person finally moved towards the desk.

I am a shadow the shadow is me you don't see me you cant see me you wont-

The person sat a paper cup upon the desk and promptly left.

Few more moments passed until the footsteps fully faded and Kapota finally let out the breath she was holding and quickly made her escape from the office.

///

The place consisted of the main room, with a second story of sorts that overlooked the bottom floor, an adjacent kitchen and back hallways that led to the aforementioned office, storeroom and a door to the back alley.

The main room and kitchen were currently a no-go. Can’t snoop around if everyone is pestering you to work and questioning everything you do. The second story was just filled with plants and didn’t offer any seatings for customers so it should be devoid of anyone, but you could also see there from the main room, so snooping there right now is risque as well. So that left Kapota with the office, storeroom, hallways and the back alley for all she knows.

Since the office was already checked, she proceeded to go through the storeroom next but came out empty-handed as well.

So now she was crawling along a wall in the middle of a hallway, prodding the wall for any secrets, step after step.

/knock knock/

Not here.

/knock knock/

Not here.

/knock kn-/

“I didn’t expect this place to have a boogeymen problem when I applied, they should probably do something about that before things get out of hands”

She didn't even look back, she knew perfectly who that was.

“Don’t you have tea to serve or something”

“I'm pretty sure its coffee and same goes to you”,

“Cool, cool”, she pinched the bridge of her nose “but we can’t both be missing, so go back or you’ll blow my cover.”

“Good”

what a prick.

She decided to not grace him with a response and just went back to her wall scrutiny.

She only managed to cover a few more meters of the hallway before Tom broke the silence again.

“So... why are you creeping in the shadows in the first place”

Now she looked back at him with a smile.

“Let’s just say that the higher-ups have been liberated of a certain safe intel”, she responded lightly before turning back to the wall.

Behind her echoed a commending whistle accompanied by “As expected of the resident sneakster” and then the hallway was filled with the sounds of her work yet once again.

/knock knock/

/knock knock/

/knock knock/

“It's just a shame that my sources say something different”

/knock/

...

“Sources?”

“Oh you know...” he drawled with an audible grin “just chit chat here chit chat there with my dear coworkers, really bonded ykno”

“What, How did you make them trust you and spill so quickly, we haven’t been here longer than a few hours.”

“You’d be surprised what people will tell you for a cookie ;]”

Kapota, now fully facing Tom, just blinked for a few moments before gathering her thoughts.

“So hypothetically if i handed you a metaphorical cookie at this very moment could you disclose with me what this great source of yours said.”

“Well then hypothetically, I heard through the grapevine that mr bossman is quite particular about his flowers. Everyone says they look very fake up close but weirdly enough, everyone is also strictly forbidden from touching them or moving them even a centimeter from their spot, lest they wilt”, he finished with a dramatic sigh, before switching his expression to a mischievous smirk and continuing, “So of course i am currently on my way to dig through the dirt and see if there are hidden goodies”

Kapota thought about it for a while, it was very far-fetched, but not implausible. But it still didn’t fully add up and left loose ends…

“Alright flowerboy, but then explain why there were documents talking about spicy little secret safe that the manager is keeping to himself.”

Few beats of silence passed between them before they both exclaimed at the same time.

“The safe is hidden by a flowerpot!”

They were both wearing matching grins, which upon realization promptly morphed into matching glares.

What now.

...

“Alright thanks for the company, but it's time for you to return to the floor now. scram”, Kapota started pointedly and shooed him away with her hands.

“As if!” shot Tom right back. “You wouldn’t even know where to go if it weren’t for me.”

“First of all, I would get there eventually! And secondly, we can’t both disappear from our shifts, people will get suspicious and we will get easily spotted!”

“Well I’m going now and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

“But I was here first!”

“I didn’t ask!!”

They held each other's glares. No one was blinking.

“Listen...” began Tom cautiously. “This is getting us nowhere, how about we decide the old fashion way”

Kapota squinted at him as he proceeded to rummage through his pockets and made a small sound of realization when he held out a small coin for her to see.

“A coin flip”

“Exactly”

“I swear Sandals if you say something like ‘tails i go get the loot, heads you go back serving’ i swear i will-”

“Nononon non ok nothing like that I swear just tails you get to go, heads i get to go?”

“... In that case that we could do yeah”

“Nice, nice, so can we blink now?”

“I suppose so”

“Neato”, the staring ended with that and Tom brought his free hand to his eyes.

“I have one condition for it though”, continued Kapota as she rubbed her sore eyes as well.

“I don't want your “showman hands” anywhere near that flip, so no catching or hand slapping and possible rigging of yours will be going on.”

“Fair I suppose, so I just flip it and let it clatter to the ground you say?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of me doing the coin catching.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Alright then floor shall be our judge”

And with that the deciding flip was flipped, the metal gleamed in the shabby ceiling light and filled the whole hallway with anticipation.

As if in slow motion it turned

once

twice

thrice

and then it swiftly fell down and right in the gap between floor panels and clattered to a layer underneath them.

No one moved.

…

“I don’t think I have another coin”, piped quietly Tom.

“The floor is our judge”

“pardon?”

“The floor is our judge.”, repeated Kapota, now a bit more loudly. “We have to find out what the judgement is.”

“What does that, huh? So we are going to tear the floor apart to see what it landed on, or?”

“Yes.”

“...well, lets get to work then, shall we”

///

For anyone wondering, it takes one broken floor plank and a baffled employee to be demoted to a floor sweeper.

///

“That could have gone better”, murmured Tom to himself.

He and his floor vandalizing accomplice were currently stashed in the back of the main room with brooms in hands. Far enough to not be in the way but close enough to be watched over.

Thankfully they weren’t immediately thrown out when they were ungracefully caught with bits of flooring in their hands. He managed to, fortunately, swiftly sweet talk them out of their predicament so now they weren’t personnel suspicious of criminal activity but just two idiot clowns. And while yes, not being thrown out or arrested was sweet indeed, this outcome was not that ideal either. But what's done is done.

So Tom just leaned back against the wall and lamented.

“All that work and we haven’t even found out who won in the end.”

He would have continued to wail some more but a swift bonk to the head from his partner in crime stopped his next lament and instead he just let out a hiss of pain. He looked at her questioningly, because what was that for, but he only received a nod and tipping of her broom (that had been used for the bonkage moment prior) towards the dustpan in his hand. Upon further inspection, it turned out that his wall leaning, while effective for dramatic effect, also tipped over his dustpan and now most of it was back on the floor.

“Ay ay kaptn’ im I am on it Im on it..”, he muttered as he crouched down. “You could have informed me a bit more gently though. I will have a bruise for sure and we’re stuck here for a little while longer and you’re not exactly the one I would want to kiss it better” He dodged from her range with a cackle as she raised the broom threateningly once more.

They continued to sweep peacefully, each in their little corner.

“So… buddy..”

A humm of acknowledgement.

“What do you think are the odds of us being able to scamper off to grab the goods”

To that Kapota chuckled and responded with a small smile. “I think we have better chances of getting promoted than them letting us go anywhere out of their sight”

“drat”

“I second that”

Kapota then proceeded to lean on her broom tiredly.

Not the best of napping places, thought Tom to himself. He should probably be a good friend and provide her with somewhere more comfortable to rest. Like, the floor, for example. And by ‘provide’ meaning deliver a swift kick to her broom as a payback for the bonk. But he decided to be the bigger man and opted to not go through with it and let her be.

For about ten seconds.

///

So this was it.

They were seated again in the bossman’s office just like the many hours before that, except now they were waiting for the big reveal. Which one of them will get the spot and with that a chance to try again the next day. He wasn't delusional and knew neither he or Kap made a great first impression, but now it all comes to who was more of a disaster. He hadn’t looked to his right, but knew his competition next to him was as tense as he.

The manager finally decided to speak.

“Well, how do I put this.” Doesn’t matter, just put it out somehow please. “You have both shown that you are very passionate and prepared to put your all into this and I must commend you for that. But the thing is. Well… after a long evaluation, um I have decided that unfortunately neither of you get the job”. He paused for a short moment before briskly continuing so they couldn't get their two cents in. “It wasn’t an easy decision”, he coughed slightly, “but some, hm, alarming factors pushed me to make this decision. Thank you for your time, it was lovely having you here but I would kindly request of you to take your leave now. Have a pleasant rest of your day.”

///

Tom climbed the last few stairs leading to his door and with a jingle of keys promptly entered inside.

“heeyo I’m home”, he called as he closed the door behind him. In response, he got a muffled “Welcome home” from the kitchen and soft pitter-patter of little feet. Soon enough accompanying the patters was a grey cat-shaped furball striding towards him. He picked up said fuzz and nuzzled it in greeting.

“Hewwo Bean did’cha miss me little buddy?” cooed Tom at the cat which bapped him swiftly in the nose as a response.

“That is not his name and you know it.”, replied a scolding voice from the kitchen.

Tom just laughed and made his way to his dearest with a purring bundle of fluff in his arms. Tobi was standing at the counter, donned in a green sweater and hair in a bun, seemingly finishing putting away whatever it was they were using beforehand. Tom hopped onto the counter next to them.

“I won’t get a hewwo?”, they said over their shoulder.

“in this economy? We’re all out, sorry”

Tobi just smiled and after putting away the last glass they turned to Tom and put their arms around him and mr. Socks and planted a little kiss on their boyfriend’s brow.

“Care for a cup of coffee after a long day?”, they inquired mischievously.

“Don’t ask me anything like that in the next few months and I might find some leftover hewwo stock somewhere.”

Tobi chuckled and murmured in his hair “How generous. Should I put the kettle on instead? Care for a spot of tea perhaps. ”

“That would be absolutely perfect thank uu”

Tom might not have gotten his hands on the famed Luxorn cup, but a cup of tea from his partner seemed even better at the moment.

///

Kapota was standing at the doorstep to her apartment building, wanting to savour the pleasant crisp air for a while longer before going inside. She got here only now, even though she got kicked out of the coffee shop a few hours prior already, but Leva brought her along to their little personal pity party of sorts, to cheer her up. And don’t take her wrong, she had fun and was actually feeling better even though the plan was a bust, because Leva just had that effect on people, but she was exhausted and looking forward to going home and crashing down. So with a last deep breath, she entered the building and began her climb up the many stairs.

After her conquer of the staircase she unlocked her door and entered the comfortable familiarity of her apartment.

“Hey everyone I’m home.”, she called and back replied bubbling water and an oxygen pump whirring.

She put away her coat and shoes and made her way toward her fish tank, grabbing a box of fish food on her way there. She then proceeded to greet all of her bushnosed babeis. All very beautiful. Very powerful.

Once they were all accounted for and fed, Kapota all but fell to her armchair next to the fish tank. Letting out a content sigh, she burrowed down in the soft plush and relaxed. This was fine. This was nice.

She could hardly even remember what she was so bummed out about.

Oh yeah wait. Stupid gaudy cup. Who needs it anyway? She has plenty of cups right here.

So who cares that the heist was unsuccessful, at least she messed up Tom’s plans as well so he’s gone home empty-handed with her, and that's in her books just as much of a success as actually getting the prize.

And with that, she drifted off.

[ceealaina]

Title: My Two Dads - Chapter 1 Collaborator Name: ceealaina Card: 017 - Cheeseburger Link: AO3 Ship: IronHusbands Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafes, Fluff, Background Relationships Summary: Tony doesn't know how many times he can explain to the idiots in his life that no, he Rhodey are not actually a couple. But then there's a snowstorm, and only one bed, and suddenly Tony's wondering if maybe HE was the idiot in his life all along. Word Count: 1162

“Okay, Morguna.” Tony steered his daughter to face the counter from where she’d been distracted reading all the posters on the community board. “‘S our turn, kiddo.” 

Morgan turned toward the cash with a broad grin, skipping forward and standing on tiptoes to peer over the top. “Hey Bucky Bear!” she chirped. 

Bucky grinned, leaning forward on his elbows so that he was mostly on her level. “Hey there, Morgi Corgi,” he replied, tweaking the tip of her nose and making her giggle. “What can I get you today?” 

“Coffee. Black,” she informed him, all seriousness. 

“Yeah, no,” Tony put in, like Bucky might actually fulfill her request. “No coffee until you’re 23, miss.” 

“Uh, rude!” Morgan gasped. “You drink coffee all the time, Daddy.” 

“Yup, and look where that’s gotten me. I peaked at 5’7.”

“Any second choices?” This was from Bucky, who had his chin in his hands and looked absolutely enthralled by everything that Morgan was saying; she’d had him wrapped around her finger from the first time Tony had brought her into the shop, cell phone in one hand, briefcase in the other, and Morgan cradled against his chest in her baby sling. 

“Hmmm.” Morgan wrinkled her nose, perusing the menu. “A cheeseburger!” 

Behind her, Tony rolled his eyes, fighting back the fond smile that threatened to cross his lips. “Now you’re just being silly. Come on, Morgan. Give Bucky your order.” 

Morgan hemmed and hawed a few more moments before finally settling on an açaí juice. (She was a weird kid. Tony had never been more proud.)

“You got it, pumpkin,” Bucky assured her, already sliding over Tony’s completed coffee without him having to place the order. “Hey, Stevie,” he called, toward the back room. “You got any cheeseburgers for the rabid mongoose?” 

“I’m not a mongoose!” Morgan protested, still giggling as Steve came through the swinging door with a tray balanced in his arms. 

“I do not,” he admitted regretfully. “I do, however, have a fresh batch of ginger cookies. And I think…” He squinted a little, carefully examining the tray. “Yep, I think one of them has your name on it. Literally.” 

He tilted the tray toward her, and Morgan’s eyes went wide as she spied her name, spelled out in bright orange frosting. She mouthed the letters to herself before turning to Tony with big, hopeful eyes. 

“Please, Daddy? Can I have the cookie? Pretty please.” 

“You're gonna spoil your dinner,” Tony protested, more because he thought he should than because he had any actual intention of not giving in. “Fine,” he added with a heavy sigh. “Just the one, though. I mean it, Morgan!” 

Morgan just nodded, only half listening and she stood on her tippiest of tip toes, taking her drink and her cookie and carrying them with painstaking care over to her favourite table. “Thank you, Daddy,” she told him. “You’re the bestest!” 

“Oh, hey,” Bucky teased, giving Tony a wink. “You hear that, Stevie? We’re in the company of the bestest.” 

Tony rolled his eyes at them and didn’t even attempt to hide the way he preened at his daughter’s compliment. “I am the bestest,” he informed them loftily. “And you two need to stop spoiling her, seriously. This is not conducive to good parenting.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Bucky just waved him off while Steve gave him a smart-ass grin. 

“That’s your job, Tony. We don’t have to worry about parenting.” 

“Eat me, Rogers. Besides, I’ve seen the way Sam looks at you when you’re hanging out with Morgan. I give it six months tops before he starts bugging you to wrangle up a couple kiddos of your own.” 

Bucky waggled his eyebrows at him. “He’s got you there, Stevie.” 

Steve didn’t bother to deny it. “Oh, hey, speaking of eating you,” he said, earning him a perplexed eyebrow raise from Tony. 

“And bets,” Bucky interjected. They both turned to him with creepily angelic looks on their faces, and Tony felt a headache coming on. 

“When’s your boyfriend coming by?” 

“Jesus Christ,” Tony muttered, pinching his nose. “For the billionth time, Rhodey is not my boyfriend. Didn’t one of you enter an active war zone to save the other one? You’d think if anyone was able to understand the power of platonic male friendship, it’d be the two of you.”

Steve shrugged. “And yet.” 

“To be fair,” Bucky added. “Morgan does refer to you as her two dads.” 

“Sounds like romance to me,” Steve added. 

“She’s four,” Tony protested. “She got a little confused by the concept of a godfather. Cut her some slack.” 

The two baristas both scrunched their noses up. “Did she though?” 

“And there goes your tip for the night,” Tony told them. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my coffee and go sit with my daughter, who I like much more than either of you.” 

“Ooh. Burn,” Bucky said dryly. 

Tony was saved having to respond by Morgan’s sudden squeal of, “Uncle Rhodeyyyyyy!” and he glanced over his shoulder in time to see a whirl of purple as she launched herself at the man in question. Rhodey was beaming as he caught her easily, hugging her tight and then spinning around in circles so that her little legs flew out behind her and the shriek of her laughter filled the small cafe. 

Tony couldn’t help smiling at the sight of them. Pepper had never wanted kids, and when she’d ended up pregnant there had been a lot of discussions of what they were going to do. While she was very much a regular presence in her life, she wasn’t a parent, and Tony had never regretted that decision. It didn’t mean he hadn’t been batshit terrified the moment the tiny, wrinkly little baby had been placed in his arms. But Rhodey had been there right from the beginning, stepping up before Tony even had a moment to shoot him frantic puppy dog eyes. He’d fallen in love with Morgan just as quickly as Tony had, and he’d been with them every step of the way. Tony knew that Steve and Bucky just liked to fuck with them, but really, he could understand why Morgan had gotten the role of godfather and actual father confused. 

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he grabbed the second coffee that Bucky was sliding over and made his way over to them. Rhodey had slung Morgan over his back and she was draped over his shoulder telling him some long story about her adventures in the ocean with an octopus. 

“Thank god you’re here,” Tony breathed, taking a sip of his coffee and letting the sweet, sweet caffeine wash over him. “The children are acting up tonight.” 

“Children, huh?” Rhodey arched an eyebrow at the counter and Tony glanced over his shoulder to see Bucky and Steve standing side-by-side at the counter, waving and smiling sweetly. Tony rolled his eyes and Rhodey shook his head. “Must be a full moon.”

@tonystarkbingo

[charlienick]

hi and i love u. "i swallow your heart and it crawls right out of my mouth" for the prompts....

Richie has decided that his dream-self can get fucked. And not in the fun way.

When he’s 24, at least once per night, Richie has what he would describe as an erotic nightmare. He never actually has sex in these dreams, nor does he die or even get seriously maimed. But they’re still definitely erotic, and they’re definitely nightmares. 

The first went something like this:

He is tied to a chair. He can’t get up. The rope is chafing his skin. He struggles against the darkness, but he does not move. He can’t. Squinting out into the inky black, he wonders if he’s wearing his glasses. It’s only once he has that thought that he sees a spotlight lighting up his childhood kitchen. His refrigerator has magnets from Acadia National Park, a photo of him and Bill flipping off the camera and laughing, a copy of his sonogram. The sight of it makes him ache in a way he can’t describe, nor does he have time to, because stepping out of the hallway and into the light is his childhood best friend, Eddie Kaspbrak.

Eddie is wearing a cream-colored sweater that he wore a lot in his late-teens and the bright red shorts he was so fond of in middle school. It’s a jarring combination, because Richie never saw him wear those two articles of clothing at the same time, let alone in the same era. He’s picking at a thread spinning loose from the sweater, looking down at it. He bites his bottom lip, and Richie starts to feel nervous, uncomfortable, because whenever he finds himself wishing Eddie were a woman so that it would feel normal for him to want to take his lip between his own, he looks away. Makes a joke. Averts attention from the ache in his heart, in his head, in his jeans.

He can’t do that now. He tries, but he doesn’t succeed. There’s something invisible keeping his head pointed forward. Eddie snaps his eyes up, smirks with the lip still caught in his teeth, and says… something. Richie can’t hear him from so far away, his hearing fuzzy the way his vision always is. The smirk isn’t cruel, isn’t mean or even teasing. Eddie looks proud of himself. He shucks off his sweater in one fluid movement and drops it to the linoleum beneath him. His skin shines golden, and Richie can hardly breathe. He feels like he’s being asphyxiated, and he bucks his hips, turned on and terrified.

And then he wakes up.

Dreams like this have happened almost nightly for months now. Once, it’s Eddie giving him a lap dance while he’s tied to the couch in their apartment. Another time, Bev catches Eddie stripping for him in his bedroom, and her laughter echoes all the way into the waking world. Regardless of the content of his dreams, Richie always remembers them in painstaking detail, and it’s really causing a rift between he and Eddie.

This sucks major donkey dick for three reasons: the first is that Richie is, like, deeply uncomfortable in his own home at all times. He can’t look at Eddie with his feet propped up on the ottoman without remembering how his legs looked wrapped around Richie’s waist, can’t hear his voice without remembering how he sounded moaning Richie’s name. The second reason, of course, is that Eddie is his best friend, and it’s shitty that Richie can’t find comfort in that the way he used to.

The third reason is that Eddie is starting to fucking notice.

He cornered Richie in the kitchen while he was making himself breakfast two mornings ago, and demanded he tell him what he did wrong because he couldn’t stand another weird, uncomfortable second of this weird standstill he and Richie had found themselves in. “What weird, uncomfortable standstill?” Richie had basically responded with, chuckling manically like that wouldn’t be a total tip-off that things were in fact weird and uncomfortable.

He has stopped walking around in his boxers, terrified that he’s going to get a hard-on when Eddie, like, waters the fucking spider plant and his shirt rides up and Richie short-circuits and has a total meltdown.

So he figures he’s attracted to his best friend. So what, he says to himself alone in his bedroom after jacking off the moment he woke up for the fifth day in a row. So I’m attracted to Eddie. Eddie is a pretty boy. This means nothing. I’m still straight.

He considers bringing this up to Stan, because next to Eddie, Stan is his best friend, but Stan would definitely laugh at him and say something like you’re an idiot. Go kiss your roommate and leave me be, which, okay, true, but not necessary. He knows, Brain-Stan! He’s aware the situation is reaching its boiling point! But he can’t exactly fucking tell Eddie, hey, I wanna suck your dick, but no homo, O best friend of mine! Eddie wouldn’t understand that the situation is precariously balanced between Richie’s suppression and the knowledge that Eddie has definitely sucked dick before.

Because Eddie was able to come out after he and the Losers moved from Maine to San Francisco, he has caught some dick regularly for the past six years. He’s pretty, as Richie’s head, heart, and apparently now dick all agree upon, and the four or so men he has in rotation all seem to think so, too. When Eddie would bring home a suitor prior to Richie’s epic sexual breakdown, he would just scamper over to Bev and Ben’s, or go bother Stan, Mike, and Bill at theirs. Now however, because on top of being attracted to his best friend, he’s also a goddamn masochist, and he’s staying holed up in his room listening to Eddie get fucked (or fuck? He isn’t certain on the makeup of his screwings, though not for lack of trying), one hand stripping his dick, feeling like a total and complete asshole. 

Richie knows that one’s sexuality is not always privy to one’s knowledge of whether or not the person would be interested in bedding him or not, and his wild imagination is not totally hinged upon reality. Bev and Ben would definitely not tie him up and have their way with him, but that’s still a familiar fantasy in his spank bank; he knows it will never happen, but it’s called a fantasy for a reason. However, jacking off to the sound of actual-Eddie’s moans and sighs is definitely crossing a line, and he knows it.

So since that one fated, sordid evening, he has decided that he isn’t going to jack off at all until either the dreams stop or he’s able to talk this out with Eddie in a normal way without totally having a mental breakdown.

This was a stupid decision, he decides ten days in, because it seems like the dreams aren’t going to stop and he’s going to have to face this for real or his subconscious might actually eat him alive. He’s not going to give into his libido because his heart is stronger than that. His weak willpower will not be his downfall.

So he decides to talk to Ben, because he’s the least likely to make fun of him about this, and because he might be able to knock some sense into him.

“Wait, you and Eddie aren’t making love already?” Ben’s face screws up in confusion. “Oh.”

“What do you mean, oh? We haven’t ever knocked boots because I’m straight as an arrow.”

“Sorry to inform you, Rich, but having… ‘erotic nightmares’ about your male best friend isn’t exactly heterosexual behavior.” Richie goes to cut in, but Ben holds a hand up. “And what would be so wrong with liking boys? Or liking Eddie?” Richie snaps his mouth shut. “Eddie is the best. You love Eddie as a friend, right?”

“Totally, yeah, I mean, yeah!” Richie rambles, nodding violently.

Ben smiles patiently, “So what would be so bad about loving him all the way?”

“I… I didn’t know… I mean, I’ve had sex with girls. It just doesn’t light a fire under my dick the same way this seems to. He’s so pretty, and I don’t quite know how to go back to seeing him the way I used to now that I see him so clearly. It’s like I’ve been looking at him without my glasses on my whole life, and now everything is so much less fuzzy. Like I understand it better now.” His eyes widen as the silence stretches on, Ben smiling softly the whole time. “I mean, uh, you know, he could hop on my dick and I wouldn’t say no. Then I’d have fucked the whole Kaspbrak clan.”

Ben’s nose wrinkles in distaste, so he doesn’t respond to that. Instead, he says, “Tell him, Richie. I promise it won’t go badly.”

“But what if he doesn’t want to fuck me back?”

“You really think all this is is sex, Richie?” Ben asks quietly. He offers him another smile, an encouraging one this time, “And I already promised—it won’t go badly.”

So Richie decides, fuck it. He’ll tell Eddie tomorrow.

But then he wakes up in a cold sweat from tonight’s newest erotic nightmare, this time leaning more heavily on the nightmarish aspect than the erotic, and he decides tomorrow can’t wait. Tonight. He’s doing this right now, because he can’t stand another moment not being close to Eddie.

He puts on his glasses, pads out of his room and knocks softly on Eddie’s door. “Eds? You up?” Silence. He knocks a bit harder. “Eddie?” He hears Eddie sniff harshly from inside his room, and something knocks loudly. “Eds? You okay?”

“Mmph,” comes Eddie’s muffled reply. “Come in, you dick.”

Richie smiles and does as he’s told. He can see Eddie relatively clearly through the slats in the blinds open to the moon high above them. He’s rubbing the side of his head, his hair a total mess, his shirt rumpled, his frown intense, and Richie realizes, fuck, I love this angry little goblin. Jesus Christ, I love him.

“Hitting your head on the headboard is way less fun when you’re by yourself,” he grumbles. He wraps an arm around his knees and tilts his head. “What’s up at… 3:50 AM?”

“I…” Richie breathes out unsteadily. He decides to go with the truth: “I had a nightmare.”

“Oh. Shit,” Eddie frowns, pulling back the blankets. “You wanna cuddle?”

Richie nods dramatically and pitches himself into Eddie’s bed, immediately wrapping himself around Eddie. Eddie snorts, laughs quietly, and turns in Richie’s hold, slotting their thighs together so they’re facing one another. “Dick. You know I don’t like to be the little spoon, ‘specially with you and your newborn-deer limbs.”

“Can’t you make an exception just this once, Spaghetti?” Richie smiles, but he’s really only teasing; he’s just fine with this.

“So long as you tell me what the dream was about.” Richie tenses in Eddie’s hold, thinking, shit, I really should’ve assumed he’d ask. “I mean, if you want. But until you tell me, I demand to be the big spoon.”

Richie sighs, turning in Eddie’s hold only because it’ll be easier to say it if he isn’t looking right at him. “So I’ve been having these… we’ll call them erotic nightmares.”

“That sounds like a term you thought of weeks ago and are very proud to finally get the chance to utter.”

“Die.” Eddie snorts. “Actually, don’t-don’t do that,” Richie whispers, “please don’t die.”

“I won’t,” Eddie says, sounding like he’s about to laugh but trying not to. “Was that what the dream was about tonight? Is that why you’ve been acting so weird lately?”

“Sort of, yeah. You were, uh, you were on top of me, and you… I didn’t even see it coming. Your heart, it was… I don’t even think it could ever happen in real life.”

Eddie slips a hand beneath Richie’s shirt, cupping his hip bone and rhythmically running his thumb in the hollow between it and his stomach. “It didn’t happen, Rich. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Richie breathes out, less shaky this time, and nods. “Okay.”

A long pause, and then, “You said these nightmares, they’re erotic.” Richie’s blood runs cold. Fuck, he didn’t want this to be how he said it. “Is that why I was on top of you?”

“Sort of,” Richie whispers. “Yeah.”

“Like… Like this?” Eddie dislodges his thigh out from between Richie’s and hooks it over his hips, forcing him to lay flat on the bed. Eddie hovers over him, eyes dark and electric in the moonlight. He looks ethereal, holy, and nothing like he did in the dream. “What happens next? When I’m above you like this?”

“It’s different every time,” Richie says all in one breath. Eddie’s boxer shorts are hanging and brushing against the tops of Richie’s thighs. He feels a light breeze away from spontaneously combusting. “Sometimes you dance for me.”

Eddie wrinkles his nose, laughing quietly, “I can’t dance.”

“I know that, but my dreams don’t.” Eddie smile drops in an instant.

“What else?”

“Sometimes you hold me down⁠—”

Richie cuts himself off with a gasp when Eddie nudges Richie’s hands out from where they’re balled in Eddie’s sheets and presses them down to the bed beside his head. “Like this?” Richie chokes, nodding. He can’t say anything. He can hardly breathe. “What’s next, Richie?”

“You-you grind on me ‘til you—oh, holy shit.” Eddie swivels his hips in a tight circle against Richie’s dick, both of them already hard.

“Yeah? You been dreamin’ of me like this, Rich? How long?”

“What?”

“How long,” he grinds down low, and Richie moans, “have you,” he does it again, and Richie gasps, keening loudly, “been dreaming of me? Because I’ve been dreaming of you for years, Rich.”

“Motherfucking tap-dancing Jesus, you have?” Richie demands.

“Of course I have. Sometimes, when I bring a boy home, I pretend he’s you.”

“Oh my God.”

“Sometimes I accidentally say your name.”

Richie bucks his hips, feeling wild, caged. “Eddie, please, I need—”

“What do you want, Rich? I’ll give you whatever you want.”

“Kiss me.” And he does. It’s everything and nothing like Richie dreamed it would be. It’s hot, searing, Eddie’s mouth a brand against his own, but the way Eddie is licking into his mouth feels nothing like he dreamed it would. It feels like he just wants to take care of Richie; he really wants to give Richie everything he asks for, and Richie feels drunk with the power-rush that brings. Beautiful, perfect, wonderful Eddie Kaspbrak wants to give him what he asks.

“Eddie,” he pants, and Eddie immediately pulls away, eyes liquid as they rake over Richie’s chest, still covered in his shirt. The light weight of it is suddenly stifling. “Please take off my shirt.”

“Of course, baby,” Eddie murmurs, unlocking their fingers and helping Richie sit up so he can do as he’s asked. “That better, angel?”

“Oh my God,” Richie whines, nodding. “This is so hot.”

Eddie smiles, “I agree. You’re definitely as beautiful as I dreamed you’d be.”

“You dreamed about me, too?” Richie sighs, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with the thought of Eddie stripping his dick to the girls Richie’s brought home.

“Of course, Richie,” Eddie responds, hushed as he maps out Richie’s torso with the palms of his hands. One of his thumbs catches on Richie’s nipple, and he hisses, then gasps when he does it again. “Sometimes it’s sex dreams, like yours, but sometimes I dream you take me out to eat, or to the movies. Once, I dreamed you asked me to marry you and I woke up crying.”

“Eddie,” Richie says, all broken into pieces, jagged edges that sound serrated. “I would. You know I would, right?”

Eddie smiles softly, leaning over Richie and lacing their fingers back together, but the weight of Eddie on top of him doesn’t feel so suppressive anymore. It’s a comfort. It’s everything he could never admit to wanting. “I do now.”

He captures Richie’s mouth again, kisses that fall over him like stars, like meteorites, planets exploding behind his eyelids and pop rocks fizzing in his blood. He’s a shaking mess by the time Eddie pulls back again, kissing his neck and then sucking a mark into his collarbone, to his pulse point. He feels ready to burst, nearing absolute explosion.

“I want to fuck you, Richie,” Eddie says against his skin, and Richie moans to the ceiling, eyes rolling back in his head. “I want to fuck you, but I need to know this isn’t a one time thing. I won’t be my best friend’s sexual experiment, and I won’t be your fuck buddy. I can’t.”

“Eddie, I… look at me, please look at me,” Richie begs, unlacing their fingers and cupping Eddie’s cheeks. He looks terrified, ready to work himself into a panic attack, so Richie says, “I want to fuck you too, but more than that, I want to fuck your heart.”

Eddie snorts and goes boneless, his forehead knocking into Richie’s chin. “I hate you so much. I can’t believe you just said you want to fuck my heart, that’s so gross, what does that even mean?”

“It means exactly what it sounds like,” Richie says, proud that he managed to distract Eddie from the burgeoning panic. “I want to fuck your heart.”

“No, I want to fuck your heart,” Eddie shoots back, frowning intensely. Richie’s responding smile is blinding.

“We’re heart-switches.”

“This is the worst day of my life.”

“Sure, Eds.”

“Don’t call me Eds in bed! I’m outlawing all nicknames when we’re hard, it’s uncouth!”

“What about…” Richie runs the tip of his nose over the thin skin of Eddie’s neck, “baby?”

“Oh,” Eddie sighs, elbows buckling where he’s holding himself over top of Richie, “baby’s good.”

“Yeah?” Richie smiles, hooking his hands up under Eddie’s shirt and bunching it under his arms. “What about angel, my love, is that one okay?”

“This isn’t fair,” Eddie whines, falling down to his elbows and crushing Richie as he laughs, “you can’t use my weak heart against me.”

“Weak?” Richie smiles against Eddie’s skin, feeling more at home than he ever has in his life. “Nah. I think you’re the strongest person I know.”

“Richie…” Eddie smiles, embarrassed, and leans up to kiss him again, which is fine with Richie, because he’s embarrassed, too. Thank god for erotic nightmares, Richie thinks as he cups Eddie’s hip and licks into his mouth, finally free, finally alive.

[thebeautyroomunfiltered]

40 something and no regrets. 

Yes, I'm forty something and quite proud of it. Actually I'm getting closer to the big Five O every day and completely unafraid to admit it. As a matter of fact I'm pretty proud of it. I'm at a place in my life where most days I'm happy with who I am and how I look… note I said most. Like many, I struggle with my weight and have all my life but guess what? My weight doesn't define me. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with that and believe that I am beautiful and yes, that I have so much to offer; to others and to myself. Most days. But like all of us, there are days when I'm filled with self doubt, self loathing and absolutely no willpower. That of course doesn't mean that I am not working on losing weight, but, I'm not doing it because I think it will make me prettier. I am doing it because I want to be healthier.  So… I joined Weight Watchers online and have embarked upon the journey of healthy, controlled eating and being physically active.  it works people! It wasn't easy but I managed to lose 25 pounds and a lot of my medical issues improved. By eating small meals, high fibre and low fat I was able.to control my IBS and my hernia settled down. People who know me, know how much and how long I'd been suffering. 

When Covid hit it threw us all for a loop and everyone dealt with it in a different way. Many turned to comfort eating or day drinking and others suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I managed to weather that storm without any of those things by going for walks and binge watching Netflix - you won't believe some of the crap you find on there at 3 am when you're bored and searching for something good to watch because you've just finished all the seasons of Supernatural for the third time. 

I was doing so well. It was a struggle but I'd managed to lose almost 25 pounds and then… and then I broke my foot so walking had to stop and my mood tanked. I don't seem to have the willpower I had 6 months ago and quite frankly some days I'm sick of never being able to eat a cookie, have a glass of wine or yes, eat a bowl (or a tub) of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked. Some people can go on a diet and the weight just melts off. Me? It's a struggle to lose a pound and honestly the stress of worrying about everything I eat is affecting my mental state. Is it worth being miserable just to lose 10 more pounds? Or re-lose the 5 pounds I put back on while I've been in this stupid air boot?  Some days I'm not sure. 

Why am I telling you this? Because I think that there is a stigma attached to weight and so often we work so hard to lose even a little. The journey is long and painstaking and so many times we become discouraged and give up.  We put so much emphasis on weight that it becomes a driving force. I'm embarrassed to say that I have let my obsession with hating my appearance become more important than enjoying life with my husband and kids. I realized that one day, since I've never let people take my picture because I hated the way I looked in them, that my children and future grandchildren won't have any pictures to remember me by and that is not the legacy I wish to leave behind. 

All I can say to you is this. You are made up of your shape, your gray hair, your stretch marks. Each wrinkle, scar and pound tells a story. Your story. And your story is beautiful. Even if we all ate exactly the same thing and exercised with the exact same routine every day we would all have different bodies because we are unique. Every bit of our physical and emotional experiences make us who we are.

Today I choose to be happy, healthy and not dwell on what I see as imperfections. Today I choose to make memories with the people I love because someday when my kids remember me they won't say " I remember mom, she was fat." They will say "I remember mom. She was beautiful and smart and strong." 

Decide how you want to be remembered.  We are only limited by ourselves. We can achieve anything we set out to do if we believe in ourselves. 

The legacy I want to leave my children and their children is that they are smart, and strong and beautiful. Live your life to the fullest and don't let what society dictates cloud your self love and self worth. You are beautiful.

So get out there and make your memories. You won't regret it. 

[alternislatronemhq]

Congrats, BEE, you have been accepted to AL for the role of DOLORES UMBRIDGE (FC:Olivia Taylor Dudley). OH MY GOODNESS, BEE! Your portrayal of Dolores was just stunning. I found myself laughing in places and gasping in others. You’ve really gotten into the head of a character that is just awful and played that out in a way that’s captivating. I can’t wait to see what chaos she brings to the dash! Please send in your blog (no sideblogs for first characters, please) in the next 24 hours and be sure to take a look at our new player checklist. Welcome home (once again), we’re so excited to have you join the family!

OOC

name — Bee age — 29 pronouns — She/her timezone — MST activity level — I have quite a bit of free time at the moment! I can usually manage being on for at least a little while every day and I’ll average a handful of replies a week at a minimum. any questions? —No questions per se, just a small disclaimer to let anyone reading know that I am a tolerant and open-minded individual, so while I’m excited for the creative challenge and entertainment of potentially writing an absolutely loathsome person like Ms. Dolores Jane Umbridge, anything offensive that she says or thinks or does IC does not reflect my own personal views!

IC Overview

name — Dolores Jane Umbridge—but my friends call me Lo, at least they would if I had any FRIENDS. -hold for laughter- Yeah, eat your fucking hearts out all you moronic lowlife swine. Hem hem. faceclaim — Olivia Taylor Dudley, Jenna Coleman, Mae Whitman age — 32 gender — Cis-female, and uncomfortably cutesy girly-girl for a woman over thirty. Hyperfemme caricature with BDE. Never met a shade of pink she didn’t just love.

sexuality — Outwardly, all Dolores cares about is locating the picture-perfect partner for the type of life she wants to be seen as having and lock them down, and in her mind that person is a man. She wants a husband with money and looks and brains and power, but not so much of any one that it would outshine her; she craves to be in the power seat of a power couple, and to get the attention she feels she’s always been unjustly robbed of. She’s got no interest whatsoever in romance and finds the whole concept a laughable waste of time. But for all she projects to the world, Dolores in reality harbors a deep, deep, DEEPDEEPDEEP same-sex attraction. She has thoroughly locked herself in that closet and a Norwegian Ridgeback swallowed the key.

patronus —Persian cat. This animal has all the appearance of being sweet and cuddly, but rub her the wrong way and those barely-retracted claws are coming out in an instant. Vain, independent, calculating, haughty, and very, very well-groomed at all times.

boggart —Stemming from her Napoleon Complex, Dolores’ boggart takes the form of herself shrunken down like Alice in Wonderland after sipping the drink me potion; her voice squeaks higher and higher into an undetectable range no matter how loud she yells and she can just barely avoid getting squashed beneath someone else’s disgusting, dirty shoes. Dolores as a person demands attention to function and she simply will not tolerate being made to feel literally small.

IC In Depth

personality traits —

tidy - Dolores is obsessed with beauty and perfection and symmetry in all things and nothing makes her skin crawl more than disorder—to the extent that after her mother and father split and she lived full-time with her father, Dolores developed OCD (though it hasn’t been properly diagnosed as such, and Dolores would immediately write off anyone who attempted to call it that to her face). In her mind she is simply particular; she has very high standards and she expects the world to rise to them, or else she’ll root out the filth around her weed by weed. She cut off the heads of her stuffies who stepped out of line at her toddler-age tea parties you’d better believe she’d do the same to you and care less about it.

passive aggressive - Dolores is well-known for her disconcerting calm in face of disagreements, her calculated cute-sweet demeanor and high-pitched voice. But make no mistake; Dolores is sugar laced with arsenic. In all likelihood she hates your guts and has already cooked up an in-depth five-year plan to chip away at you piece by painstaking piece. It’s a mystery how she manages to keep all that highly-pressurized rage simmering beneath the surface the way she’s somehow perfected, because she’s wound up so tight that it’s a wonder her eyes don’t pop out of her damn head and she’s about twenty-five seconds away from a full-blown psychotic break on a good day.

jealous - Dolores wants what she feels she’s due, plain and simple. When she sees others gain the things she wants while she gets overlooked, it stokes that ever-burning vindictive flame inside of her. It started in early childhood when her father gave attention to anyone or anything that wasn’t her, and it’s only gotten worse every day since.

intolerant - At this point in her life, her infamous intolerance is still in its earliest seed stages, but the seed is planted. One of the most interesting things for me about writing a character like Dolores at this age is to see how and why this mentality grows out of experiences she encounters in these formative years.

character biography —

Born ten pounds of spunk in a four pound, five ounce package, Dolores Jane Umbridge came into this world pink and perfect.

Perfect. Perfect. Perfectperfectperfect.

Even from a young age it was all Dolores cared about. Her father Orford Umbridge would whisper to Dolores what a beautiful perfect princess she was and Dolores believed it with every fibre of her being. Beautiful. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

Then her mother Ellen gave birth to a younger brother who showed not the faintest trace of magic, and that was not perfect. The rift between parents and siblings grew into a cavern as Orford’s whispering words turned against Ellen; her fault. Worthless. Vile. Mudblood. Filthy Squib. Repulsive. Disgraceful. Wrong.

It wasn’t long before the couple split up, with Ellen and her son being banished to the Muggle world, and then it was just Orford and Dolores, together in their once-more perfect world.

And would that it could have stayed that way forever. Orford had always had wandering eyes and Dolores, desperate always to be the only girl in her father’s life, grew jealous and suspicious and hateful (and nonononono NOT anything else nope) for the beautiful vapid creatures that drew his gaze, threatening to upend what was hers.

Knowing nothing beyond her childhood of constant praise and adoration, Dolores went to Hogwarts expecting the world to cater to her every whim. So when people didn’t immediately kiss the ground she walked on, it made her angry. When all the girls and boys didn’t fall all over themselves to try and woo her, it made her furious. When the professors and adults didn’t sing her vast praises on high, it made her outraged.

How was everyone on earth too fucking useless to see how perfect she was?!

Dolores was a bundle of dynamite wrapped up in a pretty pink bow, just waiting to blow.

She went to the Ministry with adjusted expectations on being outright offered what she knew she deserved, and was proven right when she was overlooked by grotesquely unqualified superiors in favor of the sniveling ingrates all around her. But Dolores was prepared to play the long game and bide her time, just waiting for that one weak crack in the system where she could dig in her knuckle and crumble an empire with a smile on her face.

And she thought she’d found that perfect crack when she went to the Dark Lord. Surely he would see Dolores for all she was worth, surely he would bestow upon her all that power, finally, finally, finally. He was only a silly man, after all.

But the foul, imperfect world let Dolores down again. The Dark Lord gave his preference to some other detestable twots just like Dolores always feared Orford would, and then he paid the price for his idiocy when he fell from power (serves him right the arrogant swine), and Dolores returned to her long game at the Ministry with a newfound fervor to crush all who dared try to overlook her beneath her pink kitten heels.

Waiting for the next perfect move to present itself. And when it does, she’ll be ready.

plot ideas —

Girlsgirlsgirls. I would love an opportunity to unpack some of Dolores’ deeply rooted internalized homophobia. Maybe it’s an openly gay and proud woman who drives Dolores up the wall, maybe it’s a beautiful lady who despite all of Dolores’ efforts starts to get beneath her skin, someone she can’t seem to shake… This could go in so many directions and I’m here for them all!

Ministry Spats. Anyone she might have dustups with on her Ministry stomping grounds—Arthur Weasley, Alastor Moody, etc. Also anyone with pro-creature leanings and/or sentiments at this stage could greatly inform her later mindset and I would love to have them interact.

extra —

Headcanon: Dolores hates children; she thinks they’re disgusting tiny wastes of breath and absolutely looks down on anyone who has chosen the family plan for their life.

[fancat-not-fangirl]

It’s Not You Pt.17

a/n: Sorry for the delay!! I hope you guys like it!!! Thank you so much to those that read and review! I love you guys so so much <3

<><><>

The remainder of the day had been spent with the LEGOs. After hugging it out over their presents, the boys had put on Christmas music and cleared some space in the living room. Dean had dragged aside the coffee table, and had helped Cas shift the couch away from the center of the room. 

Spilling the pieces out onto the floor and opening the instruction manual, Cas and Dean then began the painstaking process of assembling the Death Star.

Dean couldn’t have been happier. He finally, finally, had a LEGO set of his own. Those meager bricks that he and Sam had found under the motel bed were nothing compared to the immense amount of them spread out before him now. And this time, what he’d build with them would actually resemble something, instead of the crude shapes he and his brother had put together in the backseat of the Impala all those years back. 

But what hadn’t changed from the last time he had played with LEGOs was that both times he was doing it with the people he loved most.

Cas seemed to be enjoying Dean’s childish excitement as the older of the two enthusiastically immersed himself in constructing the Death Star. His eyes twinkled with amusement every time Dean finished building a specific part of the set and let out a triumphant cry. He made teasing remarks about Dean’s little victory dances and immature squeals of happiness. Dean didn’t mind, though. Not at all.

The time flew. They had only managed to build about half of the Death Star and were in the middle of having a sword fight using the tiny lightsabers that came with the LEGO set when Cas had yawned, prompting him to get ‘stabbed’ by Dean’s lightsaber and ‘lose’ the fight. Getting up from off the floor and checking the time, Dean was surprised when the numbers on his phone read 9:30.

“Are you kidding me, Cas? It’s only nine thirty and you’re already tired?”

“Well, it’s not like I can say that I slept last night.”

That shut Dean up pretty quickly. If he was being honest, the previous night didn’t do him any favors, either. He couldn’t help but send a guilty look towards Cas, who accepted Dean’s outstretched hand as the older boy hauled the freshman off the floor and into his arms.

“Well I’m here now, and something tells me that tonight will be different.”

And it was. But not in the way that some perverts might think.

Even if it took them a while to actually get comfortable.

“Cas, stop elbowing me in the freaking ribs,” Dean whispered furiously as Cas shifted his position on the bed. Both boys had decided to sleep on Cas’s bed instead of the one in Dean’s temporary room. It was the bigger and more comfortable of the two, but even then it didn’t give them much space to move around. The blanket was also better in Cas’s room, but it, too, wasn’t as large as they would have hoped for. 

“Then you stop stealing all the blanket,” Cas hissed back at him, yanking on the edge of the blanket that Dean had curled around himself, leaving none for Cas. Dean harrumphed and didn’t budge. “Dean, I’m freezing my ass off here.”

At that, Dean rolled over and splayed on top of Cas, wrapping his arms around him and snuggling into Cas’s chest. “Better?”

Letting out a breath of air, Cas starting trying to shove Dean off. “No, you idiot. Get off of me!” But Cas’s attempts to remove Dean from on top of him failed miserably as the older boy simply locked his arms in a viselike grip around Cas and refused to budge. “Jesus Dean, how many elephants did you eat today?”

“None, as a matter of fact. You’re just weak.”

Cas huffed. “Just shut up and give me back my blanket.”

And after a while of outraged hissing and whispering back and forth, Dean relented and rolled back off of Cas, who immediately took possession of his half of the blanket and gave Dean one last glare before turning over to face away from him. Dean smiled and wrapped an arm around Cas’s waist, pulling him back against him. Chest to back. Cas was tense for a few moments more before letting out a sigh and relaxing against Dean, who squeezed him tighter and rested his head in the nape of Cas’s neck, inhaling the scent that had now become so familiar to him.

The previous night’s tears and pain slowly went away, and all that was left was the sounds of them breathing in sync, wrapped in Cas’s warm blanket.

<><><>

“Dean, I’m hungry.”

It was near noon but until this point, neither Dean nor Cas had made any move to get out of bed. They had been content to just lay side by side and cuddle, not having a care in the world.

That is, until Cas’s stomach started complaining.

“Dean, I’m hungry,” Cas repeated again, poking Dean in the side. They were in a position where Dean’s arms were around Cas’s waist and Cas was facing Dean. At first that had meant kissing, but now it meant that Cas had access to Dean’s ticklish sides. 

Dean didn’t appreciate that at all. He rolled Cas over and pinned Cas’s arms to his sides so that they wouldn’t be able to reach him. “No, this is comfy,” he murmured into Cas’s ear.

“I’m not saying that it’s not comfortable, I’m saying that I’m hungry and that we should go eat something.”

Dean shook his head. “No. I don’t want to get out of bed.”

Cas let out an exasperated sigh and tried to twist around but Dean held fast. There was no way he was letting Cas tickle him into getting out of bed. He was Dean Fricking Winchester. He was not going to be defeated by some meager-

“Aha!” Cas exclaimed triumphantly as he swivelled back around and started tickling Dean, and the older boy couldn’t hold back the howl of laughter that escaped his mouth as he writhed under Cas’s hands. He let go of Cas and his arms flew from Cas’s waist back to his own as he tried to get rid of the fingers attacking his sides.

“Ok! Ok, I surrender! I surrender!” Dean laughed out, letting out a breath of relief when Cas retreated his hands as the freshman rolled out of bed and stood up. Grinning, Dean followed suit, slapping Cas’s ass as the freshman brushed past him, out into the hallway and then into the bathroom. Cas had playfully stuck his tongue out at Dean, and as Dean strode into his own room to change into a sweater and jeans. He smiled to himself at the thought of Cas’s sleep ruffled hair. At his bright blue eyes. At his cute little nose, and perfect lips, and adorable smile, and Dean thought he could go on forever.

Dean slipped on a dark sweater and pulled on faded jeans, then as an afterthought he put on the new fuzzy socks that Cas had gotten him for Christmas. Walking out into the hallway, Dean felt how slippery the floor was under his socked feet. Smiling, he tried running down the hall and stopping suddenly, which sent him sliding along the floor. It was not unlike ice skating, and was just as fun. He did it again just as Cas was walking out of the bathroom. Cas danced out of the way when Dean tried to slap his ass this time and smacked Dean lightly on the arm before going into his own room to change.

Dean made his way downstairs and into the kitchen, running and sliding past the living room along the way. He had to admit, he was fairly proud at the amount of progress he and Cas had made with the LEGOs. If he had been doing it himself, it would have surely taken him at least a week, but yesterday with Cas helping him it had only taken them a few hours to get through almost half of the Death Star. That meant that if they had the time, they’d be able to finish it today.

On that optimistic note, Dean opened the fridge. Oh.

He heard Cas’s footsteps on the stairs and closed the fridge, calling up, “We don’t have any food.”

Seconds later there were arms slipping around his waist and a chin resting on his shoulder as Cas asked, “What, no food at all?”

“Well, we have leftovers. From a few days ago.”

Cas scrunched up his nose and Dean’s heart fluttered. He looked adorable when he did that. Instead of mentioning it though, Dean nodded. “Yeah, that’s how I feel about leftovers too.”

“Any Eggs?”

“Nope.”

“Toast?”

“Nope.”

“Waffles?”

“Also no.”

“Well that sucks.”

“Yep.”

There was a moment of silence before Dean untangled himself from Cas’s embrace and spun around. “Lets go to IHOP!”

Cas didn't hesitate before nodding in agreement, and they both made their way to the door, shrugging on their coats and pulling on their boots. Dean snatched the keys to the Impala from the counter and they left the house. 

There were a good few inches of snow piled on the roof of the car, and Dean tenderly brushed it off, murmuring something about how she must have been cold during the night. He saw Cas smile and roll his eyes before climbing into the car and waiting for Dean to finish getting rid of the snow. 

Once he was sure that his Baby was clear, Dean slid in beside Cas and started the engine, all the while whispering soft apologies to the car about how he had left her out all alone in the freezing cold.

Cas snorted. “Sometimes, it seems as if the car gets more love than I do.”

Dean grinned and pulled out of the driveway, bringing his right hand off the wheel and to Cas’s, intertwining their fingers. “Nah, that’s not possible.”

Cas beamed.

They drove in silence, marvelling at the white blankets of snow that covered all the trees and houses and glittered in the sun. Dean had always liked the winter. Everything was always so beautiful when it was shrouded in the gleaming white powder. It all flickered in the sun, and although it hurt his eyes at times, the beauty of it was worth it.

“IHOP. There,” Cas pointed at the sign by the road.

“No, I hop.”

Cas’s head swiveled towards him and he furrowed his brow. “What?”

Dean grinned. “You don’t hop. I hop.”

“I don’t-” Cas then realized what Dean was doing, and fixed him with a bitchface that might even have rivalled the ones that Sam made. “Oh, ha ha. You’re so funny.”

Pulling into the parking lot, Dean leaned in and kissed Cas on the cheek. “You bet I am.”

They both ordered pancakes. It had been a while since Dean had had any of those, and he savored each bite. Despite that, though, Dean couldn’t find room in his stomach for the entire set of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and coffee he had ordered and had insisted on taking the leftover home so that he could finish them later. Cas didn’t have the space to finish his whole meal, either, and had decided to take it home as well.

They left IHOP with full stomachs and high spirits.

Entering the house, they took their coats off and Dean watched as a smiling Cas hummed under his breath as he unwound the scarf from around his neck. Cas noticed Dean’s stare and made a face, then grabbed Dean’s hand and led him into the living room, where he dropped down next to their partially built Death Star and turned on some music.

 At first there was an array of Christmas songs that came on, and Dean and Cas sang along to all of them. But then Cas got tired of those and switched off the radio, instead turning on a playlist on his phone. More specifically, his Bruno Mars one.

It was then that it hit Dean; the realization that he had never played for Cas on the guitar. Cas had always known that he had a guitar, and had known that he played it, but Dean had never once played for his soulmate. And now, Dean decided, would be a perfect time to fix that.

“I’ll be right back,” he told a confused Cas and heaved himself up from off the ground, sliding down the hallway in his fuzzy socks and then sprinting up the stairs. The last Christmas song that they had heard was stuck in Dean’s head, and he belted out the lyrics to ‘Let it Snow!’ as he burst into his room and grabbed Baby 2.0 from off his bed. 

The guest room he was staying in was at the very end of the hall, which gave him plenty of space to slide down to the stairs. Breaking out in a run, Dean was now almost hollering the chorus to the song as he stopped and let the socks bring him the rest of the way down the hall. 

“The lights are turned way down low! Let it snow, let it snow, let it- JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, SHIT!”

He had realized too late that he was skidding too fast and too close to the small console table near the stairs, and his eyes widened at the sight of the glass vase on top of it mere seconds before he collided with it, and his singing turned into loud cursing as he threw his arm down, barely catching the vase before it could shatter on the floor.

“Is everything ok up there?” Dean heard Cas’s voice carry from the living room. Letting out a relieved breath and putting the vase back into its place, Dean firmly decided that he should probably keep his sliding to a minimum around breakable objects and carefully edged down the stairs.

“Yeah, it’s all good,” Dean said as he swung into the room, brandishing his guitar and dropping down onto the couch. He saw Cas’s eyes widen slightly at the sight of Baby 2.0. 

Dean smirked. “Keep your drool to yourself, please and thank you. She doesn’t like getting looked at like that by anyone but me.”

Cas stuck out his tongue and reached across to his phone, turning the music off. No sooner did he do that than Dean grabbed his hand and hauled him onto the couch, drawing him closer and pulling Cas down into him so that they were sitting chest to back. Dean’s mind quickly flashed to the previous night, where they had been in almost exactly the same position. 

In fact, Dean realized that he had slept better yesterday than he had in days. At least, certainly better than the sleep he had gotten the night of the fight, if he could even call it that. It had mostly been hours of curling in on himself on his bed and trying not to let his tears go. He couldn’t say that it had worked.

And no matter how much he had wanted to hate and blame Claire for the death of his mother, Dean found that he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Not when he had lived with her, eaten her food, laughed with her, built snowmen on her lawn. Not when he had fallen in love with her son.

He simply couldn’t find it in himself to hate her. 

And, Dean decided, that maybe that was for the best.

Because everything that he could have ever wanted was right here.

Dean placed the guitar in Cas’s lap and moved Cas’s arms and hands so that they were placed in the correct places on the guitar. All of Cas’s protests of “but I don’t know how to play” were shushed, and Dean maneuvered the fingers of Cas’s left hand so that they were pressing the right strings.

“Now this is an original composition of mine. It’s called ‘Just the Way You Are’ and it definitely wasn’t written by Bruno Mars.”

Cas rolled his eyes, but all pretenses for annoyance swiftly vanished as Dean started moving, muscles flexing under Cas. He went slow, shifting his fingers and Cas’s on the guitar neck. Cas’s right hand, though, got the gist pretty quickly, and soon was strumming the strings without the help of Dean’s hand, which strayed and wrapped itself around Cas’s waist.

Dean started singing.

Oh, your eyes, your eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shining.

Your hair, your hair, falls perfectly without you trying.

You’re so beautiful and I tell you every day.

Dean felt Cas’s breath hitch in his throat, but he kept singing.

When I see your face,

There's not a thing that I would change, 'cause you're amazing

Just the way you are.

And when you smile,

The whole world stops and stares for a while.

'Cause Cas you're amazing

Just the way you are

Cas’s left fingers were getting used to the chords now, and Dean carefully took his own hand away, letting Cas play by himself. He reached across Cas’s waist so that he had both arms wrapped around it and held Cas to him as Cas played. Dean rested his chin on Cas’s shoulder and sang, slowly and quietly.

But he meant every word.

Before they knew it the song was over, and Cas eased the guitar to the floor and twisted around, wrapping his arms around Dean and burying his face into Dean’s shoulder. Dean felt Cas’s shoulders shake slightly.

“Aww, did I make you cry?” Dean joked.

The muffled “No” didn’t sound reassuring at all, and Dean tightened his arms around Cas, pressing him to his chest. Without thinking, Dean’s hand immediately went to Cas’s head, and he absentmindedly started running his finger through Cas’s hair, feeling Cas melt into him.

Even with the comforting silence that surrounded them, Dean still almost didn’t hear it; the whisper of “I love you” that Cas breathed into his shoulder.

Feeling his heart grow almost three times bigger, Dean smiled against Cas’s hair. “I love you, too.”

The moment seemed to stretch forever and ever, but was cut off abruptly by a sound from outside.

A car’s engine.

Cas pulled back from Dean and Dean saw that his soulmate's eyes held too many emotions to make sense of. Love. Guilt. Sympathy. And fear.

They turned their heads towards the sound of keys in a lock, and Dean wasn’t sure how he felt about the words that came out of Cas’s mouth.

“Mom’s home.”

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End a/n: I’m so so so so so so so SO SO SO sorry that this took me so long! But school is over, so maybe, hopefully, I might be able to update more. No promises tho.

Idk why, but this chapter just gave me a lot of problems. I couldn’t seem to get into the flow of it and had some severe writer's block. Basically, I just had a tough time with it. If I’m being really, truly honest, I wouldn’t say that this was one of my best works. Personally, I don’t really like this chapter and I’m sorry if it wasn’t everything u guys hoped for.

Small disclaimer: I don’t know anything about the guitar, so for any of you guitar players out there, if anything seems wrong to you plz lmk so I can fix it. Thnx

[smolbeandrabbles]

Dear Life - Tom McLaren x Reader (Vertical Limit)

Author’s Note: This One Is For The Nicholas Lea Fans! ...And like the one person I know might read this 🤣 Better believe I will be upping the ante on him somewhat over the next few months!  Dear Life - High Valley  - Now I haven’t used this or any High Valley music yet - God knows why. Time to rectify! 

Disclaimer: Okay, I know next to nothing about climbing, so my references are like... this movie... / Vertical Limit character’s aren’t mine (Again, or we’d have thrown Elliot off a cliff) / lyrics not mine. But this song really hurts for this. to be honest.

Premise: You’re 2 months away from becoming Mrs.Tom McLaren, and as you sit here and reminisce your relationship, Tom begins getting ready for his final trip before the wedding, to K2 with Elliot Vaughn... 

Words: 3599

Warnings: Nada

______ Dear Life, I hope you know I've loved you every mile down this road Had my share of hits and misses Tryin' to keep between the ditches Dear Life, I hope you know Dear Life, what's your plan Is where I'm suppose to be, right where I am If it is, then I ain’t leavin' If it ain't, then I'll keep on dreamin' Dear Life, what's your plan Now you're flying by too fast I'll fight to make you last Beggin' won’t you please, just slow down You're scaring me to death I'm tryin' to catch my breath Don't wanna let you go I'm hangin' on for dear life I wanna leave my mark Love til it breaks my heart Live so loud that my forever Echoes in the dark ---

Tom always carried a video camera. He said it wasn't to detail every stupid little mistake you made climbing - but you knew in truth it really was. He was the real mountain climber - at least high-altitude, in snow, hiking and climbing. You could hike with the best of them - but your speciality was free climbing over drier terrain and rocks, not snow and ice. You used to tell him the only reason that you would ever climb up snow was to ski back down - and he would laugh at you for that. But whenever you got back home he'd spend a painstaking amount of time editing together compilation videos. That you never got to see, but knew existed. "One day you're gonna have to show me!" "Aw, nah! None are finished Y/N! I can't show you something that's not done!"

 He could say that all he wanted - but as you sat in your apartment today leafing through your wedding planner again and sticking things into place, you couldn't help but notice how many video stills had ended up on the walls. Usually they were of him making funny faces at the way you were climbing or just genuine concern. Your favourite was one of the ones he had to sharply angle against the cliff face - you miles ahead of him, and the number of cams in the wall waaaay less than you should have put - at least to support both of you - to which he'd hand written the caption 'People I Should Never Trust With My Life On A Mountain: My Girlfriend." It wasn’t like you didn’t have the same kind of humour though. What about the one he’d had framed in his office? A picture of you with your head in your hands waiting for him to take an ungodly amount of time to decide on the correct number of cams to stick in the wall to take your weight, to continue climbing along. Captioned: “How it Feels to Be (Literally) Tied to Your Boyfriend For 24 Hours.” That summed you both up – you wanted the least amount of equipment for a light and fast ascent. Tom was all about safety, especially if you were there with him.

So you wondered what he might say in all of them... Only you might get your wish, because on occasion you'd filmed other adventures of yours that were less perilous. Like waiting for him at the end of a 5K run, chiding him for taking 15 minutes longer than you, and him protesting that a 5K was not a mountain hike - and he didn't need to continuously run on those! Or paragliding in a much more tropical climate than either of you were really used to. You weren't sure what he was planning, but he had a good friend that was a better videographer that he had taken up more than a few mountains as a guide for documentary shooting; and Tom had asked you for a few of the videos you'd taken. You trusted him enough to surprise you with that, because you had many surprises for him too.

 You leant your head on your hand for a moment and really turned your attention to those photographs. Decorating your home together had been a lot of fun; and you'd both taken a lot of thought and care into colour schemes and themes. At first only a few frames hung on the wall - but now each room showed like a timeline for your relationship. Only it wasn't in the kind of cute photographs couples usually took and there wasn't an anniversary one in sight.

No, these photographs were taken at the summit of every climb you'd ever ascended together. And as the more creative one, you'd made them into pretty collages. Frames weren't often wood or metal anymore - but whatever rope had frayed the most or was the oldest – he’d give you any worn out equipment to help with your endeavour… or sometimes you'd find an interesting stone, or you'd get post cards. You always put the place, height and time it had taken you to climb at the bottom too - sometimes handwritten in yours or his neat script. They became good talking points in themselves... And the first one had only been a birthday gift for him. But Tom had liked it so much he wanted to display it in your hallway instead of his office. "But Tommy then you can look at it when you work!" "Yeah but... When I'm not there who is gonna see it? It deserves to be seen - you put so much effort into this babe...!" And so on proud display it stayed - now joined by so many others.

When Tom wasn't half way around the world leading explorations up one of these peaks he was here with you. He had a number of guides under his expert tuition - and his company was all run out of his office. He liked to make sure that he had at least one employee in every far-reaching corner of the world that intrepid explorers would like to try and conquer... But if you wanted the best of the best, then Tom McLaren would fly out himself. He lived half his life out on mountains, and occasionally you were right there beside him. He liked you coming along for respite. So he could mutter to someone about some of the amateurs he had to escort up; "I dunno Y/N... Makes me feel I should only make the trip for experienced climbers only..." "You got me." And he would smile his best smile "Or I'd go INSANE!" "You're getting paid well for this though, right?" "AH. Yeah, I've always been about the money..." You could only laugh at that look on his face; "Well. Just be about it for this one!"

 You heard the front door open and close and knew he was back. Somehow, there was nothing like the sound of knowing he was home - and your heart skipped a beat. He wandered through into the living room - claret baggy gym shirt, and navy tracks...to go with his navy trainers with questionable tangerine shoe laces. It still made you raise an eyebrow, but Tommy was all about the pop of colour. "...Hey!" He still sounded a little out of breath, despite the fact he would have driven home. "Hey!" You smiled, heart still racing like you were in the presence of a high-school crush. He dropped his gym back by the kitchen and wandered over; you accepted a kiss on the cheek and he leant on the table and tapped the book; "How are we doing?" "Good - thank you! Almost completely ready." "Ah! Thank God for that!" "Aw, and I thought you were the meticulous planner here." "Babe, I am - but this... This is..." He looked a little overwhelmed for a minute, "Something else!" "We got this - you know that right...?" "Oh I know..." Tom breathed, and this time when he lent in you wanted his lips on yours.  "I just... It's so close now I..." He laughed "I guess I'm a little nervous." "More nervous than your next climb? Ah-! Speaking of, you have a meeting with Vaughn at 2..." "I know, but thank you..." He glanced to the clock "I got enough time to get prepped." "Better have..." You weren't his assistant, but you knew Tom's diary down to the minute - mostly because he'd synced your calendars. But when he was so far away from you for so long, you needed to know exactly where he was supposed to be and when. And how long he was expected to be out of signal range. You could deal with not hearing from him for a while; that was the nature of the job, but you still liked to know what days he was climbing, and when he was supposed to be in base camp, so you knew when you really had to worry about him. He gave you one more kiss before moving into the bedroom "One more climb and I marry you!!!" "It's a big one! One thing at a time!" "Like you aren't waiting to be Mrs. Tom McLaren!" "Oh! Only my entire life!" You put a marker in your planner and followed him.

It was still like having a school girl crush. By now he was out of his shirt and going through his wardrobe for something comfortable to wear. His meeting was only over the phone... Of course he caught you staring at him - with his shirt off you could see his tattoo and that strangely shaped scar on his left-hand side. "You okay?" He raised an eyebrow and turned to you, making you shake your head "If you could feel my heart right now..." His laugh was a little bashful and his look to the floor almost shy; "Why?" "I dunno. It's like having a crush on you all over again. I guess I'm just excited..." He looked down at himself with a cheeky grin; "Please clarify!" You scoffed, but knew pink was crossing your cheeks; "Shut up!" He nodded to the bathroom; "I'ma take a shower but-" "OH God! Don't even tempt me!" Tom laughed again; "And now I really feel like I should!" He folded his arms; and there was a familiar chink of metal as the pendant around his neck moved. As far as you knew he'd never taken it off, and he'd never really talked about it much, only to whisper that it was good luck. The twist of tarnished silver was strange in itself; you couldn't quite fathom what it was either. But anything important to Tommy was important to you. (Except it was rough and sharp in places and often stabbed into you at fairly inconvenient times.) It was silly to trust his necklace to keep him safe when you knew his skills would do that on their own. But sometimes the night before he was due to go, and you couldn't sleep (because you never could when those evenings rolled around) you found yourself glaring at it and always thinking the same thing; You better bring him back to me!

 You sprinted across the room to kiss him, which turned into kissing him multiple times, before he tried to pick you up and you shrieked, half giggling as you ran back out. His laugh was gorgeous and clear and loud; "Alright I get it! No showers-!" You peered around the door; "How many floors did you climb?" "300. It's still not K2. But it's a start." You gave a nod and a smile "I'm not gonna make you walk that to the wedding, don't worry." "I could call the venue and we could have it in the mountains...? Why bother making them the view!" "I could kill you, Tom McLaren!" "I'm sure Vaughn would fly everyone up!" He studied your unimpressed look with amusement "Ahhhh.... I believe that face is a firm no..." "Correct." "Alright, go on. Back to planning..." You continued to stare at him "What?" "I love you, babe." He grinned gently, and stepped towards the bathroom "...I love you too, Ms.McLaren." "Aw, not yet!"

 **

 "Oh! Sweetheart...! I think he'll love it!" your mother gasped as you detailed your wedding dress idea to her. Sitting back at the table and opening your planner again surrounded by your photographs and flipping to the dress pages (the only ones Tom was forbidden from looking at) made you remember that. Because it'd been this very table over drinks that you'd told her what you were thinking. It sounded a little insane, the kind of thing nobody would really get. But he would. "...Don't you think everyone will ask me the same questions about a billion times?" "Do you have to answer? I think it's wonderful... And it's not meant for them is it, it's meant for Tom..." You'd had the idea when wandering around your apartment on the phone to other aspects of your wedding, florists... bakery... venue... Musicians... They were long detailed conversations that both you and Tom had had. He tried to help you plan as much as he could, but both of you realised it was kinda hard to plan a wedding halfway up a mountain. But he did promise, and had expertly, sorted himself and his groomsmen out - and when he wasn't preparing for his next climb, he spent all his spare time helping you. Even though you were fine and actually really enjoyed planning this. But, each of these conversations had you staring at the photographs on your wall. And you'd come to the conclusion that climbing was what had brought the two of you together, and was such a huge part of both your lives. The mountains in the background of every picture had got you thinking; even if you were actually standing on the summit of the important ones... So the idea was simple, everything you'd ever summited together - whether it be a cliff face in a national park, or it was something as phenomenal as K2, or Everest. It was making it onto your dress. The scope of work was huge and you'd realised this, so it had taken the seamstresses an age to make to your specification, but you had tried to help and provide assistance at every turn you could. So a few weeks ago you'd gone for your adjustment fitting (although it was pretty perfect once you'd tried it on), when Tom was travelling back from his last climb for a little R and R, and had almost cried when you'd seen it. The mountains had been embroidered like a secret message. Only truly visible if you looked at the detail.  Some were outlined in a blue-tone white and were a little more obvious; but the others blended so perfectly into the skirt - it had turned out more beautiful than you had imagined. And there were actual tears when you tried it on; from both you and your mom and friends.

You closed the book again as you heard him exit his office after his call and tied the ribbon back - replacing it on your shelf. "How'd it go?" "He's crazy. That's all I can say!" "You're gonna do amazing..." "It's not me I'm worried about..." He gave a shrug "I know K2 well enough." You crossed the room and placed your arms around him "...I'm gonna worry about you.." "Yeah. That's why I don't worry - you do it enough." You brushed your lips to his; "Can we go out tonight?" "For dinner...? Mmmm... Don't see why not..." Tom ran his arms around you and pulled you tight to him "What you thinking...?" "The little place on the corner..." "Why do we always go there when I'm about to leave?" "Because it's your favourite." His amusement extended into his light brown eyes as he rolled them; "No. It's because it's your favourite." You smiled, and leant up to kiss him again; "That too."

 ***

 It was the night before he left, and the corridor was full of his gear, you were allowed to go to the airport with him but no further. Part of you wanted to go on Vaughn's expedition. It sounded interesting - and if it was all being broadcast when they hit the top... But Tom wanted you back here, and you understood that too. "You don't need to get caught up in all this..." He tracked back through to the bedroom; "Besides... You don't even like him." "Millionaire who thinks he can throw money at a mountain and it'll do what he wants, so everyone gets to see this inaugural flight? No thanks." "See. You wouldn't even enjoy it!" "Guess I get to see you on TV..." "Well..." He caught you in the living room for a short kiss. Fleeting - just like his time back here always was. You wondered how much Tommy would let you curb that once you got a ring on his finger. "...Unless they cut me out of it!" You folded your arms, with a frown clearly meant for Vaughn himself; "Oh. Because you're only the man whose gonna get him up there!" "...eh, millionaires!" "Who else is going with you?" "Annie Garrett." You gasped "Annie! Aw, I love her!" "Yeah another reason you aren't going!" He laughed "We'll never get anywhere...!" You followed him and realised there was at least another suitcase and a half to go "...I rebuke that and think we could probably take you in a race to the top." He shot you a look "K2 is not about racing. It's a-" You mimicked his serious voice with a whine "-Very technical climb and the most dangerous mountain in the world-!" He narrowed his eyes slightly, making you smile; "Didn't you get over lecturing me 5 years ago, Tommy?" "Clearly not, if you're gonna make stupid comments." He turned back to his things which made you sigh. "Babe, do you want some help?" His brown eyes flicked over his shoulder again "Oh, sweetheart, would you?" You nodded eagerly with a sweet smile; "Mmmm... I like helping you pack. The only thing I don't like is watching you leave..."

 ***

 You stood holding his hands so tight in the airport, and realised how torn up you were about this. "Y/N... You are gonna have to let me go eventually, you know that right?" "Yeah but I..." You weren't looking at him, but his hands, laced with your own - the pretty cut diamond of your engagement ring glittering gently in the lights. He bent to try to get you to look at him. "But you...?" "This one is so much harder than the rest... I just... Wanna marry you now. And K2..." "Hey... Hey... C'mere..." He wrapped you in his arms, pulling your head into his chest and stroking a hand through your hair; "Sweetheart you never do this... What's wrong?" "I'm just really gonna miss you on this one. But I'll be watching that TV close, believe me." "I know you will. And I'll be counting down the days until my flight home... And then we square away the final touches... And then Mrs. Tommy McLaren will not just be a Skip joke at base camp... Huh?"

He at least got you laughing gently; but he noticed the tears too. Tom didn't stop you from crying though; your emotions were all over the place ever since he'd got down on one knee. He'd never expected that, which made him guess you'd never expected him to do it in the first place. Probably because that's all his friends did joke about. Including it being present in the original introduction of you two to one another. “Tommy this is Y/N... She's a climber too! Since it's only you two that have that in common if you don't wanna stay sad and single for your lonely lives, you just aught to get married now!” Tom pressed a kiss to your forehead; it was long, and worth every second, before he caught your lips. "Look after the company, alright?" "I will." "And look after yourself... Okay? That's more important..." "I will..." There was a few seconds pause before you threw your arms around him again; "You come back to me Tom McLaren! You kick K2’s ass and you come back to me!" He wound his arms around you again and lifted you from the floor "I'm coming back, Y/N... I don't get to marry you otherwise..." "Just. Make sure Vaughn knows who's boss." He gave a wink, and salute as he set you down; "Yes ma'm!"

 *** 

You were still staring at the pictures on the wall when the sunlight faded; one more day gone. One day closer to marrying the love of your life. But one day further away from all these incredible things happening. All of these pictures captured moments you would never get back. And each one of them told a story with so many lost great conversations. Little glances or touches that were now lost to eternity.

Your eyes flicked between them all, this has all gone so fast... Even though he would be back soon, that would feel like an age. But all these years had passed like a blur. Would your married life be just the same?

You sat back for a second and took a deep breath to slow it all down. You hoped not; Tom was someone you had to savour every moment with - because in reality there were so few. And that made every second precious. You realised how much you wanted to look back on everything you'd done together and remember it all. No matter how impossible. It hit you all very suddenly. Is that why he recorded everything? So that he could watch back every memory you had a freeze frame moment of here? Because Tom McLaren wanted to relive every stupid, amazing thing that happened. As long as you were there in it. You shook your head gently as you pieced it all together; why he wanted your tapes so bad too. He was about to relive all those moments with you. But not just with you - Tom McLaren wanted everyone else to see those moments too. Everyone that was an important part of your lives and an integral part of your relationship.

And he was going to do so on your wedding day.

---

Oh have another GIF even though it’s not actually Tom... It still make’s me think of this fic..! Like he would 100% throw paper planes at her whilst she’s trying to work on collages and their wedding planning...

[thatweirdmod]

Going to the Other Side (Sainwell and Iglair)

Airey jolted from sleep. After years of being shaken from peace by its blaring resonation, the seed of anxiety that the sound of alarm had sown within had grown into a tangle. She scrambled from bed and over to the white dresser to shut it off. Her room was still very dim. 5:30 AM marked the start of another productive day.

She washed her face, brushed her teeth, combed her sleep-tossled black hair straight again, dressed in a long-sleeved white shirt and mid-length black skirt, and applied a modest touch of make-up to her bright-eyed face. She didn't do that little smile in the mirror that nice kids do in the movies, but she was more ready to greet the day than most of them were anyway.

She loaded three slices of wheat bread into the toaster- one for herself and two for her dad, who was now stirring around in the bathroom. While tea steeped, she scrambled some hen periods with a spatula. Poor birds. Everyday, or almost everyday, they have to push out something bigger than their heads through a hole that's half the size of a human anus. Most would pass on having to squeeze out a dry, calcium crusted crap everyday. That's what they do to propagate their species though, but it happens whether the eggs turn into fluffy, cute baby birds, or end up fluffy, sizzling in the fat from some mammal's tits.

"Thanks, Airey," her dad said as they sat down for breakfast. He was a hard-working foreman with an increasing number of light-grey streaks in his neatly brushed, black head of hair. He had a soft aura and a kind-hearted, patient smile, but the firmness  and understanding needed to instill, and equally important, inspire healthy successfulness and discipline.

She took after him more,  Airey's mother used to say before. Their days were always busy, but they made time to have breakfast together. It was the only time they had most days. They'd talk about how things were going, and whether her reply called for guidance or praise, he always had a reason to be proud of his daughter.

Her father was off first. "Bye sweetheart. I love you."

"Bye. Love you too, Dad."

And they meant it more than anything else in the world.

Black backpack on now, Airey stepped out under the swirling grey sky. Cooking breakfast wasn't the only reason she had for getting up early. She headed off down the concrete sidewalk, taking the long, scenic route to school. After doritos, this was her second favorite guilty pleasure. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him again. Iglair. He was a dream of lightly spiked black hair, lean muscles, and the deepest, bluest eyes that had stopped her dead in her tracks the three times that they had found her. He was perfectly cool, with no insecurity in his gait. Iglair was amazing, a living wonder of the world, that yet passed so easily, like a small, swift breeze- always too swiftly for her to fill her eyes enough.

Airey found a silver lining in this though, as she always did with things. Perhaps it was better than he moved along without catching her gawking. If she ended up seeming like a creep to him, she'd be heartbroken like the MC of Yandere Simulator. The cold wind blew some strands of her long black hair in front of her eyes, and she wished that she'd put on some hair clips. Even the couple of seconds that pushing the hair from her face interrupted her gaze was too much time to lose. And then she felt a pang of forlornness at her desperation.

A brown haired girl in a pink sweater and jeans started down the same path from one of the houses. Unlike Airey, it was actually practical for Cassie to take this route. But like Airey, she was always taking it at the right time. The girls smiled giddily and exchanged excited glances. Briefly, Airey had wondered how this could end, the two of them being friends but liking the same boy. But, it was never going to happen anyway. A sad, lonely part of her knew this, but she couldn't stop herself from following him.

Up ahead, a guy with messy, light brown hair was dragging his beat up tennis shoes down the pavement. Hands buried in his grey hoodie, worn bag slung over his slouched shoulder, a frown was no doubt on his face, which was always a portrait of depression.

He and Iglair never talked on the way to school, but Airey would see them together after school, hanging out around the pawn shop or walking together. She wasn't sure why Iglair spent so much of his time, or any at all, with this shabby Samwell boy, especially when he wasn't connected to his regular group of friends at all.

At school, she ignored the dirty looks from kids who called her a teacher's pet. So what she reminded Mr. Corncap to collect the homework when he forgot? It wasn't her fault that she did her work and they didn't do theirs. This school was full of lazy people, the ones who were outright about simply not wanting to study, and the ones who made excuses, pretending that the reason they couldn't match her performance was because they were dull, and she was just given the gift of sharpness. As if she didn't devote the hours to study that they did to leisure.

Airey spent her day as usual, answering every question correctly when called upon, getting extra marks, and keeping records for the student council as its secretary. She'd had lunch with Cassie and some others, but they were Cassie's circle of friends, not necessarily her own. They just sometimes spoke of things that were.. a bit too crude for Airey's taste. On the way out of school, however, something incredible happened. Iglair approached her.

"Hey, do you have a minute?"

Airey almost couldn't believe her ears. "Yes!" she said, perhaps too quickly. But for him she had a million minutes.

"I hear you're pretty good with math, and that you've tutored some of the other kids," he said.

"Yea.. yes. I've done.. I do that sometimes," she stuttered nervously.

Good lord she was stupid, she thought looking down with a silly simper that she couldn't help. Iglair still had the grace to smile his heartmeltingly charming smile at her, and ask,

"Would you mind helping me with calculus? I've been having a little trouble."

She stared for a moment. He appeared to be slightly abashed at this, and it was absolutely adorable.

"Sure," she agreed, smiling brightly.

"What time is alright for you?" Iglair asked.

She would liked to have thrust everything to the back burner to chase this opportunity that might as well have been her own modern fairytale. However, she had already promised to babysit the neighbors' son for this evening and the next, and Airey was never one to shirk her responsibilities.

"Is Friday at 7:00 fine?" she asked, and then she felt stupid again.

Kids at this school usually had bigger plans than studying on a Friday night, especially someone cool like Iglair. But once again, he was too gracious in the face of her social bumbling, and instead of faltering, his smile grew pleasantly.

"Sounds good. Do you want to meet at my house?"

Heat rushed her body from head to toe. And then she was humiliated. Even the cold could not excuse such a flush, she realized.

"Um.. y-yes, sure. That's fine."

It was beyond fine. In Iglair's house, maybe even his bedroom, she thought woozily. It might smell like him. Would they be alone?

"Alright, see you later then. And thanks!" Iglair said.

"You're welcome," she said, waving shyly as he left.

"Over the moon" might have been a good way to describe Airey as she near skipped down the sidewalk of her neighborhood. But she was not so far above this world that she wouldn't notice one of its creatures moving gradually and dangerously across the ground to her left. She halted, looked both ways, entered the road, and gathered up the turtle.

"You were heading here, right?" Airey asked it chirpily as she carried it to the other side of the road.

Of course, there was no response. What kind of sounds did turtles make anyway, she wondered. As she was setting the animal down, a car sped past behind her, going well above the 30 mph speed limit. "Whew, it's a good thing I saw you just now," a bittersweet victory, when she realized how many of the world's crossing turtles that she wasn't there to help.

The turtle, whom she thought looked like a William, slowly kept on its path, wherever that might be leading. For some reason, Airey always assumed that turtles had a set, known destination to be, maybe because moving at such a painstaking pace might not afford much time for do-overs and mistakes. They had long lives to make up for their slowness, but slowness to balance their long lives. Maybe in a way, turtles lived about as long as other animals.

She turned and saw Cassie heading up the sidewalk. They had walked together, fluttering through various topics as easily as the birds chirping above. Airey remembered their laughter at something that was said, but she didn't know what.

Because now with death sinking its fingers into her soul from where it seeped through her rent body, that was all a distant, and foolishly carefree seeming yesterday. Airey thought she had learned diligently of concerns, that she was molding well into someone reliable and knowledgeable, prepared for the challenges and harshness out in the open grey lands. She thought that she was a person to find color in the world, and to bring the vibrancy of good into the drab and grey.

But somehow things had turned so awry, and how could she have solved this, been ready for it? She could scarcely grasp how this place that she'd been thrust into, this place of unfathomable suffering, could belong to the same reality of the world before. Airey recognized the ones tearing the bloody meat that was once the complete person of herself mechanically only.

Somehow one of them was Iglair, inflicting abuse upon her with the part of himself that she had once, in the cloudy flower days, blushed to think about. The shreds of her ignorant, faraway dream repelled her when they flitted back into her memory. His attention was a nightmare.

But she was not delusional enough to think that she would wake up from this- could not be, with the pain. The body that she'd washed, fed, clothed, and once thought that she knew for an unalienable fact was her own was violated and mutilated beyond the filthiest and most hellish illusion that her un-bled mind of afore times would have been able to conjure.

She could feel herself being battered heavily, but could not see from where the blows were coming and when anymore. Death had become the lover that she desired. And now she faded into the claim of its arms as it pulled her away from the monsters and the agony and into quiet nothing. She felt herself fall, and then with a painful crack to the side of her head, all ended.

Love is over.

[anoverflowingsea]

Dawn that rises before sun is darker than anything Don’t ever forget that stars you long for only shine in the dark. Let’s go...

[lazyfox411]

Not You, Not Me, but Us.

So I wanted to whump keith but then it turned into this whole long angsty established klance 14k+ fic that I spent months working on....yeah...somebody be proud of me lol its the longest thing ive ever written and I'm finally done!!!! thanks to @hastalalaterkeith7152​ and @chasethethace223​ for sticking with me throughout this mess XD

a slightly more coherent summary: while Lance is away on a business trip, Keith unwittingly shares a kiss with someone else. Lance doesn't take to this kindly, and throws Keith out in the cold. Unfortunately for Keith, bad people roam the streets at night.

warnings I guess for violence and injury even though I'm bad at writing fight scenes ahaha and alcohol use I guess, also a kiss and interactions that could be considered non-con, basically just use your own discretion my lovelies <3 id love to answer any questions you guys might have about this story

length is 14467ish words 

“Come on, Keith, don't give me that look,” Lance pleaded, doing his best to avoid his boyfriend’s puppy dog eyes.

“But I'm going to miss you.”

“And I’ll miss you, too. But I’ll be back before you know it. You won’t even realize I'm gone.”

“Are you sure about that?” Keith asked, hefting Lance’s suitcase from the trunk of the car. “It feels like you packed everything but the kitchen sink. Just how long are you planning on staying?” he teased.

“I won’t be able to go anywhere at all if I miss my flight. Hurry up, I still need to get my luggage checked.” Lance pulled his scarf tight against the sharp January wind, and scurried towards the entrance, Keith just steps behind him.

Keith tried not to be clingy. He really did. But Lance was one of the few people in his life who hadn't left him, and Keith hated saying goodbye, even if it was only for a few days while Lance travelled for work.

“You need to let go of my hand now,” Lance informed him, chuckling.

Keith let go, then promptly pulled Lance in for a tight hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too, angel,” Lance murmured. “Just a couple of days, okay? It’ll be fine.”

Keith nodded. “Have a good trip. And be safe,” he called after Lance had shouldered his carry-on and strided to the gate.

He and Lance didn't live together, though they had been talking about it for some time now, but they spent almost all of their free time together at one of their apartments. When Keith parked the car- Lance’s car, that Lance had lent him while he was away- and entered his apartment, he found it dark and completely devoid of life. A thin sheen of dust covered the furniture, and this time Lance wasn't here to scold him for neglecting to clean it. Keith didn't need to counter with the excuse he had no time to clean, he was always working or spending time with Lance. He flopped onto the couch and closed his eyes. Maybe he could catch up on some sleep. Work wasn't just an excuse, it was the truth. He’d had night shifts at the pharmacy for the past week.

The next morning, he crossed off Monday on the calendar, and put a little star on Friday, the day Lance would return. Then he sighed, and got ready for work. At least he didn't have night shifts this week. And he had something to look forward to at the end.

By the time Friday evening rolled around, Keith was exhausted. All he’d done was work; he hadn't declined any extra hours since he had nothing else to do. He was more than content now to let his body meld to the couch, lungs huffing out a relaxing breath. Only three hours until he had to pick up Lance at the airport. They’d texted a little bit, but Lance was busy with meetings most of the day and Keith had work, and the difference in time zones made the whole thing a jumbled mess. It would be good to talk to Lance for real, face to face.

The sound of a notification from his phone woke Keith from a peaceful nap. He searched for Lance’s name in anticipation, but it was a text from Shiro.

Shiro> Party tonight. Just a couple university friends. Want to come? I can give u a ride

Keith> Can’t. I need to pick up Lance in an hour

Shiro> Bring him with u

Keith> He’ll probably just want to rest

Shiro> Ok then bring him home and then I’ll pick u up

Keith frowned. Something was up. Shiro was never this pushy.

Keith> I wouldn't want to go without Lance

Shiro> Hang on I'm going to call you

“Great,” Keith muttered. He picked up on the first ring.

“I’m sure Lance wouldn't mind if you came without him,” Shiro said immediately. “You deserve a break. You’ve been working all week.”

Keith sighed. “Why do you want me to come so bad?”

Shiro paused before saying, “Allura is going to be there.”

“Of course,” Keith groaned, “and you want me to keep you from making a fool of yourself.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Yeah, no,” Keith replied bluntly. “I need to pick up Lance, and I am not going to a party without him. Find somebody else to put on Shiro-the-Love-Struck-Blubbering-Idiot duty.”

“Come on, Keith, you’re like my wingman. Plus I have nobody else.”

“What about Hunk?”

“Busy.”

“Pidge?”

“Also busy.”

“Well, I'm busy, too,” Keith said in frustration. “Allura is just going to have to love you for the hopeless romantic that you are.”

“Thanks a lot,” Shiro said sarcastically.

“Anytime,” Keith replied, matching his tone perfectly. The call ended.

He was just about to leave for the airport when he got another text.

Lance> Hey babe. Flight got cancelled bc of the weather. I was really hoping to see you tonight :( but the next flight out isn't until tomorrow

Keith sank back into the couch and dared a peek out the window, where a few shimmering white flakes were gliding from the sky.

Keith> Ok no problem. Just text me when you need to be picked up

He sent the message and pouted at his phone. One more night. He could wait one more night. Couldn't he?

Keith> I miss you

Lance replied with a collection of carefully selected emojis, and Keith sighed. There was a tight, cold feeling worming its way into his chest. Maybe he should get a cat, a goldfish, something to cure the loneliness bubbling inside him. After a full week of keeping to himself, waiting for Lance, only to have his arrival put off by another painstaking day...Keith was sick and tired of being alone. It was that thought that made him open Shiro’s contact.

Keith> Change of plans. Come pick me up whenever

The house was enormous, set on a lake, the driveway a mile long and revealing through the trees a colorfully lit balcony that overlooked the glistening water. The air outside freezing, filled with the muffled sounds of loud music, but upon stepping over the threshold, Keith was hit with a blast of noise and heat that was generated by people pressed together, laughing and dancing and drinking.

“I thought you said only a few people.” Keith had to yell to be heard over all the music and voices.

Shiro just grinned and shrugged apologetically. He had lied.

Of course. Ever since enrolling for med school, Shiro seemed to have changed, dragging Keith to parties and outings, only to have Keith play third wheel for him and Allura, whom Shiro had been head over heels for ever since discovering she lived on campus nearby him.

Shiro was immediately pulled from Keith’s side by a boisterous group of partiers, leaving Keith to be jostled mercilessly through the crowd. People bumped his elbows, brushed against his shoulders, and breathed their smelly alcohol breath in his face. He couldn't see where he was going, the room was dark one second then alive with neon lights the next. The music blared, bass rattling through his bones and piercing his eardrums, warping the room around him into a colorfully numb, tripped out alternate reality. It was too much. All he wanted was to relax, not get stuck in the middle of this, heart pounding and chest tightening. He had to get out.

He had to get out he had to get out he had to get out.

Keith shoved his way to the edge of the room, away from the lights, away from the people. He pressed himself flat to the wall, wishing wildly for Lance. Lance knew huge social gatherings made him anxious, Lance knew he hated to be surrounded like this. If Lance was here, he’d gently take Keith by the hand, lead him away, somewhere quiet, somewhere safe, and sit with him until he could calm down. But Lance wasn’t here. Even Shiro was nowhere to be seen.

People were starting to look at him weird. Keith did his best to smile politely, and ducked away from the confused and somewhat disgusted faces, finding himself stuck behind yet another wall of people.

“Excuse me,” he squeaked, pressing through. And then he spotted it. A doorway. An escape.

It was slightly ajar, and whatever was behind was shrouded in darkness, but anywhere was better than where he was now, Keith figured. He pushed into the door, which delivered him into a narrow hallway. The air here was less stuffy, still stale, but contrasted by the cold, fresh breeze streaming in through an open window. Keith leaned his face on the cool glass, breath fogging as he gulped the night air like a drug, like it was his lifeblood. The music and voices were still loud, but not so glaring, separated by the door Keith slammed shut. Slowly, his heart rate decreased to something more acceptable.

While one problem had been solved, it was quickly becoming apparent that another had been created. Keith was essentially trapped; there was no way he was going back the way he’d come. People were screaming and now something glass was shattering. He looked around for another exit. The window was out of the question, it was way too high off the ground to make a safe jump. There was a door to his left, but upon turning the handle he found it locked. He heard a toilet flush from inside and decided he didn't want to go in there anyway. That left the stairs at the end of the hallway.

The damp, musty smell of basement got stronger with every step. Keith nearly tripped down the stairs when he heard a series of hair-raising, ungodly cries coming from what could only be a bedroom somewhere.

When he dropped off the staircase he was enveloped by a large room, stained white carpet underneath him and ductwork protruding from the low ceiling above. His shadow danced around the faded wallpaper, cast by the dim glow of a lamp that sat amongst the scattered furniture.

It was quiet here, or quieter. The commotion upstairs had faded to background noise, replaced by an old Pink Floyd album playing from a CD player. Keith grabbed a seat on a sinking, tattered old sofa, sparing a quick look around. The room was vacant, save himself and a couple seated on a couch against the far wall, making out. They didn't even stop to glance at him, and Keith sighed with relief. Maybe he could hide out here until things died down, then just head home. He had no idea what he’d been thinking. Coming to a party, when even he himself knew he was a loner.

He was a loner, but he didn't want to be alone. If only Lance were here.

“Mind if I join you?”

The voice clawed at Keith’s already shredded nerves and he let out a sharp gasp. He jerked his head around to see who it belonged to, and found himself looking into the jarring blue eyes of a stranger. He smiled at Keith, revealing a set of dazzling teeth.

“Uh, sure,” Keith said. He really wasn't in the mood for company.

The boy sat next to him, a little closer than Keith would have preferred, but he didn't say anything. This boy, or young man, Keith deduced to be about his age, maybe a little older, smelled like mint.

“Hey, are you okay?” There was that stupid display of teeth again.

“Yeah, I'm fine,” Keith said quickly. “Just, um, parties aren't really my thing. Especially not this one.”

“Huh. I guess I'm a pretty bad host, then, aren't I?”

Keith felt his face go beet red. “You...host? This is...your?” He stammered, eyes going wide.

“Haha,” the guy laughed good-naturedly, “no worries, gorgeous. You didn't hurt my feelings. But hey, look at me, still being a terrible host. Can I get you anything? A drink?”

“Yeah, okay,” Keith said. Maybe that was just what he needed. His nerves were about to jump off a ledge, and this guy wasn’t helping, with his unnaturally perfect teeth and pointed chin and shoulder slapping and long blonde hair, so blonde it was almost white.

The guy, Keith still hadn't caught his name, vanished gracefully up the stairs. Keith searched for an exit again, coming up empty-handed. Well, he supposed, being stuck with one person is a lot better than being stuck with a hundred.

He returned surprisingly quickly, carrying two glasses and an assortment of bottles. He poured them each a drink and handed one to Keith, who hesitantly sniffed the sweet-scented liquid and then took a drink. He had expected the alcohol to rake down his throat, but instead it slid down easily and settled in his belly, almost immediately kindling a slow burn.

“So, what do you do?”

“Huh?” Keith shook himself from his thoughts.

“You know, for work. Like a job.”

“Oh, right. I work at the pharmacy, in town. Mostly stocking shelves.” The flush that had finally begun to recede from Keith’s cheeks was returning. He hoped it sounded like a boring job. If he was boring enough, maybe he would be left alone.

“Neat.”

No, Keith thought, not neat. I’m boring. Go back to your party, dude, you’re creeping me out. It was true, this guy, Keith still had no idea who he was, was even closer than before.

“You really don't want to be here, I can tell.”

Keith blanched. “What? No, no, it’s not that, I uh...”

“It’s okay. I get it. You've probably got way cooler things to do with your Friday night.”

Keith couldn't help but scoff out a laugh at that. “Are you kidding? The only reason I’m here is because Shiro practically dragged me. Do you know Shiro?” Keith asked, just in case. He should know who Shiro was, Shiro had said the owner of the house was his friend, hadn't he?

“Of course,” the blond-haired boy rolled his eyes. “Everybody knows Shiro. How long have you known him, though? I haven't seen you around campus.”

“No,” Keith cleared his throat, “I don't go to the university. Shiro and I have known each other our whole lives, pretty much.”

“Your name is Keith, isn't it? I think Shiro’s talked about you before.”

“Yeah, that's me.” Keith smiled a little bit. Somebody actually knew who he was. He wasn't some loser who was only here to be a third wheel.

“He asked you to come because of Allura, didn't he?”

“He did,” Keith laughed softly, “how’d you know?”

“You’re not the only one he drags places. And I gotta say, Allura is a nice girl. Not my type, though. I’ve...got my eye on somebody else now.” He flashed his sparkling teeth again.

Keith felt his ears go red for some reason, and he looked down at his lap. He was surprised to find that he was holding an empty glass. When had that happened? Had it happened more than once tonight? He couldn't recall. They’d been talking for a while.

“I can get you another one,” the guy piped up. Keith made a point to find out his name soon.

Something deep inside him told him that maybe this was a bad idea. Something was off. But he felt warm inside. He wasn't anxious anymore. He felt okay.

“Sure, I’ll have another.”

When he had replenished their glasses, Keith decided to ask, “Hey, what’s your nam-”

“Can I ask you something?” He was cut short.

“Okay.”

“Do you think,” the guy set his arm on the back of the sofa, strangely close to Keith’s shoulders, “that some people, even though they don't know each other that well, are just...really good together?”

Keith sat quietly, sipping his drink. He was confused. What was this guy talking about?

“You mean like Shiro and Allura?” Keith asked.

There were the teeth again, paired with a somewhat exasperated chuckle. “I guess, but I was thinking of someone else, someone...closer...” he trailed off, eyes rising and settling on Keith’s. It was unnerving. Like a tiger locking onto its prey.

Suddenly there were fingertips resting on his cheek, burning into his skin. Keith froze, eyes wide as an owl’s. The fire inside of him flickered, then was doused to smoke. The guy was leaning in. He was leaning in and he was kissing him.

Keith couldn't move. He was stuck, time had stopped, he was trapped and he was kissing someone. Someone who wasn’t Lance. Why didn’t he stop? Why wouldn't he move? His limbs didn't want to cooperate, his head was filled with white noise, he was frozen in shock, he couldn’t even breathe. He couldn’t get free. Why was this lasting so long, why couldn’t he make it stop?

When their lips finally broke apart, Keith was still petrified. He couldn't figure out what had happened or why. What had just occurred? What had brought it on?

The fingertips were coming at him again, probing his face, searching for another kiss.

“No,” Keith forced the word out of his mouth. “No, I...I can’t. I have a boyfriend. I have…” He had to get out. He had been wrong. One person was way, way worse than a hundred.

Keith stood up, fighting against the room as it spun around him. Whatever he’d been drinking was catching up to him. He needed out. Stairs. The stairs would get him out.

He darted up the stairs, feet catching and sending him sprawling. He shakily rose and continued the climb. He didn’t look back. He didn’t want to.

Upstairs, the crowd had thinned to a more tolerable throng. Maybe it was late, or early into the next morning, Keith couldn’t tell. Time wasn’t exactly working for him right now.

“Shiro!” he cried, spotting his friend’s undercut and broad shoulders.

“Heeeey, Keifth,” Shiro dragged out the words, and his pronunciation was more than a little off. Great.

There was a girl latched into Shiro's arm, and she appeared to be the only thing keeping him from toppling flat on his face. Judging by her undeniably beautiful dark skin and silvery hair, this was probably the Allura that Shiro never shut up about. So he had managed to woo her without Keith’s help after all.

“I don’t fthink really I can drive, man,” Shiro slurred, “I’m have to thpend the night here.”

“Yes,” Allura chimed, “I really don’t think he’s in any state to be behind the wheel. Will you be able to get home, Keith? That is your name, right?”

“Yeah,” Keith said. He honestly wasn’t sure which question he was answering. Damn Shiro, standing there with rosy cheeks and glassy eyes, stupid grin plastered on his face. Making him come here, only to ditch him and get hammered and leave him stranded without a ride home.

“Goodnight, Shiro,” Keith muttered. “Nice to meet you, Allura.” He turned on his heel, and didn’t even care if anyone stared when he slammed the door on his way out.

His first thought was to call Lance. Lance could come pick him up. But no, no he couldn’t because he was away, and if Keith called him then he’d know he was at this party and maybe would figure out what had happened, that Keith had kissed somebody, somebody he definitely should not have.

A cab was his next option. He quickly found a number on his phone and punched it in, then sat down on the front step to wait. He'd rather freeze to death out here than go back in that house ever again. Though surprisingly, he didn’t feel all that cold. He was shivering, but he wasn’t cold. It was a strange feeling.

Keith woke the next morning nursing a slight headache. He cracked his eyes open blearily and found he was draped unceremoniously on the couch, jacket and shoes still on. He forced himself to the bathroom and splashed some cold water over his face, and as he reached into the medicine cabinet for aspirin, last night’s events came flooding back to him.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror. He looked dirty. He felt dirty. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool glass of the mirror, but now all he could see were those horribly perfect teeth. What the hell had he done? What the hell had he done? What was he going to tell Lance? Keith groaned. He didn’t want to deal with this right now. He didn’t want to deal with this at all. Sleep beckoned him, and he yearned to go, to fall asleep and forget this entire week had ever happened. The shrill buzz of his text alert made him wince.

Lance> Good news!!! Planes are flying today!!! My flight should arrive around 2pm, do u think u can pick me up?

Keith> Yeah ill be there

Lance> Can’t wait to see you!!!<3

Keith let out a sound somewhere between a whine and a growl, shuffling back to the couch. He wanted to just crawl in bed, but he knew if he did that there was a good chance he would never get up. What was he going to do? He couldn’t tell Lance. Could he? Lance would flip. Or would he? Lance seemed to freak out over trivial matters, but when things got serious so was Lance.

Keith didn’t know what to do. He was tired and confused and achy, and through his muddled thoughts he wondered if maybe he was making too big a deal of this. After all, he hadn’t been the one doing the kissing. He’d been kissed, yes, but he hadn’t started it, he hadn’t condoned it, he hadn’t asked for it. Surely, Lance would understand that. Wouldn’t he?

Waiting in the airport terminal, Keith felt sick. His hands were clammy and wouldn’t stop shaking, he was cold and queasy, sweating through his jacket but shivering as nerves churned in his stomach. He still hadn’t decided what he was going to say to Lance.

“Keith!” Lance's smile, though bittersweet to Keith, brought a sense of warmth and comfort. Lance jogged from the gate, dodging cranky travelers and luggage carts, and let his own luggage fall to the ground so he could wrap Keith in his arms and swing him around. The room was spinning when Lance set him down. He must have paled, because Lance seemed to notice something was off. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Keith replied quickly. He snuggled into Lance's embrace, breathing in his familiar scent. Not mint. Better than mint; he smelled like Lance.

“You sure? You don’t look so good,” Lance murmured, pressing a hand to Keith's forehead to check for a fever that was non-existent.

“I just missed you.”

“I missed you, too. So much. And I’m so glad I'm back, because the whole time I was gone there was nothing more I wanted to see in the world than your face.” Lance smiled sheepishly when Keith didn’t respond. “Sorry. Too sappy?”

Keith shook his head. “Lance, I… I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?” Lance asked gently. He was still smiling, encouragingly, sweetly. Keith ran his gaze over Lance's beautiful, perfect teeth, the teeth he loved to see, the teeth that would never be pushy, or creepy, that would always care about him. He stared into the sea of Lance's eyes, getting utterly lost as waves rocked the pathetic little raft he was floating on. Waves of love, unconditional, undying love, they were drowning him. But it was so warm. So safe. Not like the warmth he'd felt last night, no, this felt good, this felt right, not forced, not rushed. Lance loved him. Nobody else loved him, not like Lance did. Nobody else had ever really loved him.

What if, after what had happened, Lance didn’t want to love him anymore? Keith didn’t think he could handle that. He couldn’t take the chance. He couldn’t lose the best thing he'd ever had.

“What is it?” Lance repeated, frowning as he watched Keith space out right before his eyes.

“Smile again? Please?”

“Uh, sure,” Lance chuckled, parting his lips awkwardly. Keith was sure. Those were truly the most gorgeous teeth he'd ever seen.

“You have really nice teeth,” Keith said.

Lance smiled wider. “Thanks. Now, I don’t know about you, but I am totally ready to go home.”

Keith nodded. Lance picked up his bags and put an arm around Keith's shoulders as they started walking. “Do you want to hang out at my place?” he asked.

Keith gulped. That didn’t sound like a good idea right now. “I’m…kinda tired. It’s been a long week.”

“No kidding,” Lance huffed dramatically. “That’s no problem though, I have some notes to go over anyway. Stupid business presentations…” he then launched into a detailed recap of his trip. Keith listened without really hearing, leaning into Lance's warmth, knowing full well he didn’t deserve to. He didn’t deserve Lance's affection. He didn’t deserve Lance.

Guilt. It had settled in Keith's stomach like a ton of bricks, hard, heavy, and painful. Storms roiled in the back of his mind, rumbling feelings of doubt and shame. He told Lance everything. Everything. And in turn, Lance was open and honest with him. So why, all the times that he'd tried to say something, to call, send a text, why had his fingers frozen, his voice stopped, lungs shriveled away inside his hollow, guilty chest? It wasn’t even his fault. He hadn’t been doing the kissing. But he hadn’t pulled away either.

It was eating him up inside, stomach twisting into knots and gnawing at his ribs like a lion licking its kill clean. Keith couldn’t stand it. He tried to tell himself he'd done nothing wrong, that he wasn’t at fault, but then, surely it must be? He couldn’t bring himself to admit to Lance he'd done something wrong. Because then Lance might not want him. And that rejection would be even worse than the one he was feeling right now.

He lasted about a week. Until he was shaking because he couldn’t eat. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t function, knowing he'd done something that could hurt the person he loved most in the world, and he still hadn’t come clean about it.

Keith rolled over in bed and picked up his phone to check the time. 2:36 am. Sleep wouldn’t come, he was beyond tired now, practically zombified and just roaming the streets under a barely human disguise. What would Lance do if he were me? he asked himself, like he'd done countless times before. And he knew. Lance would feel awful. He'd be disgusted with himself, just as Keith was now. But he would be honest. Keith opened his phone again.

Keith> Hey r u awake?

Lance> Barely. Whats up

Keith> Can I tell you something

Lance> You can tell me anything babe. U alright?

Keith froze for what felt like the millionth time that week. You weren’t supposed to break up over the phone. Not that that was what he wanted. No, that was the last thing he would ever want. But it was easily what might happen.

Keith> I think it needs to be in person. Can I come over

He knew full well it was late. Or, technically early. But this couldn’t wait. Not any longer.

Lance> Sure

There was only one bus that made a run at 3 in the morning, and Keith was the only one on it. He paid the driver and stumbled out onto the curb in front of Lance's apartment. If he didn’t do this soon he was going to be sick.

As soon as Lance opened the door, he knew something was wrong. Keith's eyes were red, not teary yet, but on the way.

“What’s wrong?” Lance asked immediately, leading Keith to the couch and sitting close beside him. Keith shied away.

“I…I need to tell you something, Lance,” Keith choked out, struggling to stifle the thick layer of emotion that was stuck in his throat.

Lance looked like he was almost scared, rubbing Keith's arm. “What is it, baby?”

The words came out in a rushed, stuttered mess, and once they started Keith couldn’t make them stop. “While you were-were a-away, Friday night, Sh-Shiro d-dragged me to this stupid party, and, and I told him, I told him I didn’t want to go, especially not without you, but he kept saying something about being a wingman, and I don’t know, I went, Lance. I went, and there was this guy, and he…we…kissed.”

Keith felt his heart clench when the hand on his arm stopped stroking, and Lance's face fell. There was a new expression there, one he hadn’t quite seen before. Hesitant anger, festering sadness, overwhelming confusion, all stemming from betrayal. And above all, hurt. It was a physical pain, beating throughout his entire being, to see Lance hurt. It was excruciating to know he'd caused it.

“You…what?” Lance nearly whispered.

“Lance, please, I'm sorry,” Keith pleaded, taking his boyfriend’s hand, “it was an accident, I didn’t mean for it to happen, I swear.”

“You don’t just accidentally kiss someone, Keith.” Lance's eyes were cold. His voice shook.

“It’s not my fault, Lance. He kissed me!”

“Well, did you at least try to stop him?”

“I couldn’t! I don’t know, it was like I was frozen, I couldn’t move, I didn’t know what to do! It didn’t mean anything, Lance, you have to believe me. And it’s just been eating me up inside, I had to tell you, I'm sorry.”

“So the only reason you told me was because you couldn’t deal with the guilt.” It wasn’t a question. Lance jerked his hand away, expression steeling over.

“No, that’s not what I meant, I…” Keith desperately searched for any hint of compassion in Lance's features. It was fruitless. “I'm sorry! I didn’t want any of this to happen, Lance, I didn’t! I love you! You know that!”

Lance shook his head in exasperation, staring up at the ceiling with a humorless laugh. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

“Too good…to…what? What are you talking about?”

“You,” Lance waved his hands between them, “us! This! This perfect relationship, with the perfect person. It was too good to be true, because you can’t just go around kissing random people without meaning it! That’s not how life works, Keith! What about when we kiss, does that mean anything to you?”

“Lance, of course it does! It was just a kiss, okay? What we have is real, that was just…just…” Keith felt tears sting the corners of his eyes. His throat prickled. What was this? What was he doing? He wasn’t a crier.

“I don’t want to hear it.” Lance wasn’t usually a crier either, and yet here they were.

“What do you want to hear, then? I'm sorry? I’ll say it a million times, Lance, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.”

“I can’t believe you! You think I'm just going to bend over backwards because you apologized? I'm not that shallow. I'm not you.”

Anger and pain flared in Keith's belly. Couldn’t Lance see how awful he felt about this? Why was it so hard to forgive? It was one stupid kiss, and this was one stupid, stupid fight…

“I'm not perfect, okay, Lance? Surprise! I have flaws. I make bad decisions and I do things I regret. But you’re not perfect either!”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Lance cried indignantly.

“It means…it means,” Keith searched for the words. He could feel his lips trembling. “You're annoying! You sing too much, and you never shut up about your family, and you always spam my phone, and post too many selfies, and what about Nyma, at the office? You're constantly flirting with her!”

Lance's eyes widened, then narrowed to slits. “You really wanna go there, Keith? I can play the game, too. You work too much. You're impulsive. You never clean your apartment, and you refuse to get a haircut. And don’t even get me started on how clingy you are. God, you are clingy. And you're talking shit about my family? And accusing me of cheating, when you're the one who went and kissed somebody behind my back? I can’t believe I ever loved you!”

“Take that back,” Keith snapped. His entire body jerked with the force of the statement. He couldn’t see properly; his eyes were welled up with tears.

“I will not! It’s the truth!”

“Please, Lance,” Keith tried one more time, “I'm begging you, you have to know I didn’t intend for this to happen. Shiro dragged me there, and then we started drinking, and I don’t know, things just got out of hand.”

Lance looked like he hated Keith in that moment. Keith felt a strong, genuine urge to kiss him. He held back.

“Get out,” Lance hissed.

“But—”

“Get the hell out, Keith! I never want to see you again!”

Keith shakily rose to his feet. Lance wasn’t joking. He spared one last glance behind him, at the boy he loved, the only person he could truly be himself around, who hadn’t left him, the only person he could ever be happy with, the only one he ever wanted to be happy with. Lance glared back.

“I'm sorry,” Keith said softly, his hand on the doorknob. “I love you.” He left Lance's apartment for what might be the last time.

It was a cold, starless night. Wind whipped at his hair, and froze the tears that streaked his face. They kept flowing, steady and frigid, no matter how hard he wiped at them. Why hadn’t he brought a coat? Or some gloves, or a hat, or anything that might ease the numbness that was taking over his body. But perhaps that wasn’t entirely from the weather.

Even with the wind buffeting past his ears, Keith heard the telltale whine of heavy brakes. The bus. He was still two blocks away.

“No, no, no no no,” Keith muttered, willing his legs to move faster. He skidded around the corner, but it was too late. He stumbled after the fading tail lights of the bus, only to collapse in defeat against the hard, frosty surface of the bench that sat at the bus stop. The street was shrouded in darkness now, except for a single streetlight that hung above Keith’s head. A spotlight, saying “hey, everybody. Look at this loser.”

Keith put his head in his hands, fresh tears spilling into his palms. How had he managed to screw things up so bad? He hadn’t meant any of the things he'd said about Lance, Keith loved his singing, and his family, and he knew that Lance and Nyma were nothing more than friendly colleagues.

“Stupid,” he muttered, raking in breath, “stupid, stupid, stupid. You just had to go and mess it up, just like you always do. What did Lance ever see in you anyway?” Keith asked himself, face tipped to the sky as a dusting of precipitation—rain, snow, he couldn’t tell, he didn’t care—came falling upon him. Maybe this was for the best. Lance deserved so much better than him anyway, right? Right.

Keith shivered, wrapping trembling arms around himself in a useless effort to get warm. He would just have to walk home. He didn’t have enough money on him for a cab and there was no way was he going to sit around waiting in the cold for the next dumb bus to come.

The side streets were darker, but also faster, and so Keith ducked through alleyways and under sparsely lit streetlights towards his own apartment. He was pretty much all cried out, and what he could now tell was snow was washing away the salty mess that coated his cheeks. That didn’t stop a little hiccough from heaving out of his chest every so often. He couldn’t have stopped them if he tried.

He hadn’t gotten very far before he heard the crunch of pebbles against the sidewalk coming from behind him. A stray cat, maybe? No, these were footsteps, much heavier than a cat’s. A person. Keith quickened his pace, and the crunching behind him sped up, too. It was too dark to sneak a proper glance behind, but he was pretty sure he saw the glisten of a smile, menacing, hungry. After taking several random turns without shaking the guy, Keith was sure: someone was following him.

He pulled his phone from his pocket, clumsily scrolling through his contacts. Without thinking, he clicked on Lance.

“Pick up, pick up,” he hissed, almost jogging now, hoping to lose whoever was trailing him. Of course Lance didn’t answer. Who else was there to call? Lance was closest, and by the time he got ahold of Shiro, or anyone else for that matter, he could be dead meat.

It had just occurred to Keith that calling the police might be a good idea when it happened. He felt it more than saw it, another presence, a figure surging towards him from the depths of an alley. And before Keith could react, someone had grabbed him.

“Get offa me!” he growled, struggling against strong hands that pinned his arms behind his back.

The only response he got was laughter.

“I called the cops!”

“No, you didn’t.” Someone, a man with a deep, rasping voice, was bending over pick up his phone from the ground, where it had fallen, unlocked, from Keith's grip. Keith could almost picture the smirk on the guy’s face as he asked, “Who’s Lance?”

Up until now Keith had thought he only had two assailants; one holding him and the other holding his phone. But a third voice piped up, a snarky, weaseling tone that said, “Oh, look, you’ve got a little heart by his name. Why don’t we give lover boy a call?”

“Leave him out of this,” Keith snarled, trying to jerk his arms free. “Who are you? What do you want from me?”

“Don’t worry, we just want to have a little fun.”

A fist slammed into his gut at the word, and Keith bit back a yelp, gulping for breath. This was not his idea of fun. If he could just get free then he could fight back. He stomped on his capturer’s foot. The hands around his wrists loosened, and Keith jerked free.

He could see the dim outlines of the three men. They surrounded him, still laughing, a sound that haunted Keith from the party. It was a funny sort of laugh, like maybe they were drunk.

Still winded from having the air knocked out of him, Keith swung his arms up just in time to block another punch. He wasn’t completely helpless. He could fight. But against three angry lunatics…

His strategy was defense. Duck, block, swing, repeat. The darkness wasn’t helping. As soon as Keith felt his fist connect with something, someone else’s fist connected with him. The fresh snow was slippery underneath his feet.

He took a hit to the face that sent him reeling, the sickening metallic taste of blood flooding his mouth. He could feel it, hot and sticky, trickling from his nose, his lips, his knuckles, busted open.

Shaking away dizziness, Keith readied himself for another battering. He wasn’t prepared when two of his attackers charged him, pinning him to the wall. His spine rubbed against the jagged brick and he gasped for air as he fought their hold.

With two people holding him back, the third was free to do some serious damage. Keith couldn’t hold back the cries of pain that escaped him as fists and feet pounded him, no sign of slowing, no sign of mercy.

He wasn’t sure how far these people were going to take this. He didn’t want to find out. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t know if these people wanted to kill him, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to let it happen. Using the two guys on either side of him to boost himself up, Keith aimed a kick that sent the third sprawling on the ground, crashing into nearby trash bins with a loud clash.

They were all tired. Keith could see it in their body language, the way their shoulders slouched beyond a normal fighter’s stance, the way their chests heaved. The one he'd kicked was still on the ground behind him, the other two backed into a corner in front of him.

Maybe he could win this. Maybe he could make it out of here. Maybe…

Maybe the guy behind him wasn’t as out of commission as Keith had thought. Because the next thing he knew, something had clocked him on the back of the head, and he went down, body smacking against the pavement, ears ringing, vision filling with brightly colored stars.

“Oh, shit.”

“Is he dead?”

“I don’t know, and I'm not sticking around to check. Come on.”

Keith blinked wearily as the three people took off into the night, feet pounding against the sidewalk. He lay there in the alleyway, pain throbbing through his head, seeping into his limbs, searing across his chest. Tiny snowflakes landed on his skin. It hurt too much to brush them away. It felt kind of nice anyway, cool and soothing on the bruises that were beginning to swell. But it still hurt. Keith moaned as everything melded into one swirling, nauseating haze.

“Damn it, Keith,” Lance huffed, hovering over his phone. “Just answer me.”

Keith had called roughly ten minutes after leaving, which had prompted Lance to throw his phone across the room. But after staring at the wall in silence for the better part of half an hour, Lance had gone to retrieve it and sent Keith a quick text.

Lance> Hey

It had gone unanswered, so Lance had sent another.

Lance> I'm sorry I flipped out. Can we talk?

Still no answer.

Lance> Keith?

Lance> Keith I know you're mad at me but can u please answer just so I know you're ok?

Lance> keith

Lance> KEITH

And so that had led him here, pacing the floor of his apartment. The rational part of him—the part that was still furious with Keith not just for what he'd done, but also what he'd said—knew that Keith was just upset, and was giving him the silent treatment, payback for not picking up his call. But another part of him, the part that still cared, and probably would never truly stop caring about Keith—that part was afraid. What if something had happened him? What if his bus crashed? The weather wasn’t exactly great for driving. What if he'd gotten locked out of his apartment? It had happened to Lance often enough.

Lance knew he would never be able to sleep. He knew what he'd said had really hurt Keith, but Keith had really hurt him. Kissing somebody else? Lance would never have done that. He was a naturally flirtatious person, and he was well aware of it, but ever since he'd begun dating Keith, he'd made sure to be polite and nothing more to anybody else. Keith was the love of his life, and Lance would never do anything to jeopardize that. Even now that Keith had, Lance wasn’t sure he was willing to let go.

Lance> if you don’t answer me in thirty seconds I'm coming to find u

That was it. Lance pulled his jacket on, grabbed his keys, and went out into the snow.

Keith wasn’t really aware of time passing, but when he squinted out of swollen eyes, a dull, grey daylight was just beginning to sneak its way around the edges of buildings, still too dark to make out anything but shadows. He could feel the hard ground underneath him, and a pool of wetness that had been last night’s snow. He shivered, even though the cold was starting to fade, replaced by a strange, stinging tingle.

Pain stabbed at his chest when he drew breath, and a soft, whining moan left him on the exhale. Obviously no one had heard last night’s scuffle, because here he was, body throbbing against the wet cement. The melted snow felt good on his bruised skin, but that was about the only comfort he could find. Too exhausted and hurt to move, Keith lay there and let the world spin around him, hoping that someone would find him soon.

He allowed his mind to swim in and out of consciousness, listening to the gentle flutter of pigeons, and water dripping from rooftops. He focused on that, or tried to, tried not to think, not to feel the pain that coursed through his being. It was starting to disappear now, replaced almost entirely by the tingling sensation.

Everything around him was a blurry mess when he heard the squeal of brakes and slam of a car door, as if they were far away, separated from the real world by a fuzzy tunnel of time and space.

And then Keith heard his name. Is this what death feels like, he wondered, was some angel-voiced deity calling out to him?

“Keith!” He heard it again, louder this time. He knew that voice. This wasn’t some higher power, calling him to the afterlife. No, this was his boyfriend. He needed that voice.

“Lance,” he croaked.

“Keith, oh my god, what happened? Who did this to you?”

“Lance,” Keith rasped, “m’sorry. I...didn’t mean to—” he sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth as Lance touched his shoulder, and winced at the way his chest rejected the sudden intake of air.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Lance murmured, quickly pulling his hand away. “Can you tell me what hurts?”

Keith mumbled something unintelligible.

“Keith, now’s not the time to play tough guy. I need you to tell me what hurts and how bad, right now.”

“Ev’thing,” Keith slurred. “Pretty bad.”

“Can you get up? Keith? Answer me, buddy.”

Keith moaned and pressed his face further into the ground.

“That’s it, I'm calling an ambulance,” Lance said, whipping out his cell phone out of his pocket. As he dialed the three digits, he shrugged off his jacket and draped it over Keith's near-lifeless frame. “Hang in there. Help is on the way.”

“He’s sleeping, but you can go in to see him if you’d like.”

“Thank you,” Lance sighed as the nurse let him into Keith's room. He eased himself into an old wooden chair next to the bed and let his hand find Keith's.

Keith lay there, fast asleep under a mound of blankets that moved with the steady rise and fall of his chest. He'd needed stitches in his lip, and in a few other cuts on his face. Lance couldn’t bear to look at the grotesque bruises that marred his soft, porcelain skin, and he busied his eyes with the cream walls of the room and pale blue curtains pulled firmly over the window. But he wasn’t able to keep his eyes off Keith for long.

He ghosted his lips over the tender skin of Keith's cheek in a delicate kiss, gently tucking a strand of loose hair behind his ear.

“I'm so sorry, angel,” Lance whispered. “This is all my fault.”

“Are you two a couple?”

Lance sat up in surprise, averting his gaze to the doctor who had just entered.

“We’re,” Lance paused. Were they still a couple? Keith had kissed someone, someone who wasn’t Lance, and Lance had told him to get out, that he never wanted to see him again. A slight part of him had meant it, but…

“We’re really close,” Lance replied. “He is gonna be okay, right?”

“Yes. I know he looks pretty rough, but with plenty of rest he’ll be just fine. You're lucky you found him when you did, temperatures dipped fairly low last night. Too much longer and he could have begun to develop hypothermia.”

Lance pressed his fingers over his lips. He couldn’t do anything other than nod. Keith could have died. He could have frozen to death, all alone, because Lance had screamed at him and made him go outside in the middle of the night, in the beginning of a storm.

“It’s my fault,” Lance said. His throat felt tight.

“What do you mean?”

“I…we fought…and I told him get lost. I made him leave, he never would’ve gotten hurt if I would’ve just calmed down and let him stay. It’s all my fault,” Lance rubbed furiously at the tears starting to trickle from his eyes, “it’s all my fault.”

“Sir, if you can't remain calm, I'm going to need to ask you to leave.” The doctor looked at him, eyes caring but voice stern.

Lance nodded. He took a deep breath. “I know. I'm sorry. I just…when I found him, lying there, he was so small and so still I thought he was dead. I could never live with myself if he was dead.” Lance shook his head.

“I trust the police were contacted about the incident?” the doctor changed the subject.

“Yeah. They filed a report and stuff, and they’re trying to find whoever assaulted him. They're going to come by and ask Keith a few questions once he's feeling better.”

“Good. Well, that’s all I have to say, other than to remind you to keep the both of you calm and comfortable. Someone on staff will be by to check on Keith in an hour. If he wakes up before then, just make sure he knows he's safe, and tell him to go back to sleep. The pain medication will most likely make him drowsy, so it shouldn’t be a problem. If you need anything, the nurses are always walking the halls. Don’t hesitate to give us a shout.”

“Thank you,” Lance said as he processed the information. “Thank you so much, Dr…I'm sorry, I missed your name.”

“Smythe,” the man said, turning on his heel and leaving the room with a wink.

Lance settled down in the old, hard chair, sneaking his hand around Keith's once again.

The first thing Keith was aware of was a sense of weightlessness. He was floating. Maybe he really was dead.

That possibility was immediately ruled out when he tried sitting up. Pain flared through his ribs and seized his brain as the world began turning much too fast. He flopped back down with a groan.

“Keith?” The voice was soft on his pounding head. Exhaustion tugged at every fiber of his being, willing him to return to the blissful darkness of sleep, but he knew that voice. He needed that voice. He did his best to speak back.

“La,” was all he managed, still fighting the swimming haze that clouded his mind.

“Yeah, baby, it’s me,” Lance cooed.

Keith blearily forced his eyes open. He blinked, and slowly took in the view around him. “Where’m I?”

“You're in the hospital, love.” Lance hovered over him, speaking like he was calming an abused puppy. His face was pinched with worry.

Keith panicked. Hospitals meant you were hurt, bad. Hospitals meant doctors and needles and stitches and anesthesia and no knowledge or control over what was going on. He had to get out.

Trapped underneath the mountain of blankets, Keith writhed to get free despite the heavy ache of every bone in his body screaming at him not to. A pair of hands pushed him firmly back onto the bed.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Lance said quickly, “you're okay, Keith. It’s okay.”

“I’m scared,” Keith whimpered. He wanted to slap himself for admitting that, but he couldn’t think straight and he had no clue what was going on and he needed Lance to understand.

“It’s alright, baby,” Lance murmured. “You're safe. I'm right here, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Just lie still, you're safe now.”

Keith couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like Lance was crying. “M’sorry,” he mumbled.

“No, no,” Lance said softly, cupping a hand under Keith's jaw, “you don’t need to apologize right now. Just go back to sleep. Can you do that for me?”

Keith nodded slightly, his movements already weak from exhaustion. Sleep overtook him easily.

When Keith woke up next, he felt a lot less weightless and a lot more aware. He tentatively touched his fingers to his temple. His head still hurt. Everything hurt, a dull, persistent ache that settled over him and wouldn’t go away.

“Lance?” he coughed. No answer. A glance around the room told him he was alone, the lights dimmed, doors and curtains shut tight. Had Lance been here at all, or was it just a dream?

Keith sighed. Lance wasn’t here; he had no reason to be. Any relationship they had was pretty much over. Lance wanted Keith out of his life, he had made that pretty clear.

After struggling to disentangle himself from the blanket mound, Keith rose to his feet. Or, he tried to. His knees wobbled and the room spun, and he gripped the edge of the bed to keep his balance. Being upright hurt more, and he could feel what little energy he had leaking away. He was shaking after just two seconds.

Keith froze when the door clicked open to reveal Lance, of all people, sipping steaming liquid from a styrofoam cup.

Lance's eyes widened. “What do you think you're doing?”

“I…um…” Keith stared at Lance blankly, knees buckling. He had no idea what he was doing. He might have been a little more out of it than he’d like to admit.

Lance sighed and set his drink on the bedside table amongst the many other empty cups and soda cans that had accumulated there.

“Come on, let’s get you back to bed,” Lance reached out to him.

“No,” Keith snapped, pushing the hands away. He didn’t want anybody touching him, not right now, not when he was hurt and confused.

“Yes,” Lance clipped off the word. “Bed. Now.”

“I don’t need to listen to you,” Keith said, warily eyeing Lance's arms coming toward him again. He really didn’t feel well. Too much longer and he was either going to pass out or throw up.

“Yes, you do. Doctor’s orders. And if you don’t follow them right away, I'm calling him in here. So get your butt in bed, grouchypants.”

Keith sunk into the bed with a grunt, and fumbled to pull up the blankets. It hurt to move.

“Let me help,” Lance offered. He arranged the blankets and fluffed the pillow with military precision, but there was something missing, a loving-kindness that Keith had grown used to. Lance pulled his chair closer to the bed. “How’s that?”

“Good,” Keith nodded. Then he frowned. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“What do mean by that?” Lance tilted his chin back defensively.

“I'm just going to end up saying something stupid again. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I can handle myself just fine, thank you very much. And I have a right to be here, I am both your emergency contact and the one who found you knocked out and shivering in the slush.”

“Lance, what happened?”

“What happened?” Lance asked incredulously. “Why don’t you tell me? You're the one who was half dead in an alley! Broken ribs, borderline hypothermic, concussion, multiple lacerations, whatever the hell that even means—”

“No, I mean…what happened to us?”

“Oh.”

Yeah, oh, Keith thought miserably. All Lance seemed to care about was that he'd gotten beat up. Not one of his best days, sure, but all that had stemmed from the now-missing link in their relationship.

“I don’t know, Keith. I don’t know. I love you, but I don’t understand how you let that happen, kissing some stranger while I'm halfway across the country. And it’s just killing me to see you all laid up like this, when it’s my fault for making you go out in that storm, in the middle of the night—”

“Stop.” Keith groped around the top of the bed for Lance's hand and eventually settling on grabbing his wrist. “S’ not your fault. I should have been more careful.”

“Can we just not talk about it right now?” Lance asked. “You need to rest, and I…I just can't.”

“Okay,” Keith whispered. He let go of Lance's arm.

“How do you feel? Somebody is supposed to come around soon to give you another dose of pain meds.”

“Spectacular,” Keith muttered.

“This is humiliating.”

“Keith, there is nothing humiliating about a wheelchair. There are a lot of people who would be very offended by what you just said.”

“No,” Keith groaned, “not the wheelchair itself. The fact that even though I am completely capable of walking on my own, I'm being forced to sit and have you parade me around the parking lot.”

“Completely capable? Keith, you almost passed out because you sat up too fast. Besides, I think it would be fun,” Lance said innocently.

“Well, it’s not. Just hurry up and push me. I want to get out of this damn thing.”

Keith was pretty sure he fell asleep on the ride to his apartment, because the next thing he knew, he was home and Lance was easing him into bed. Whatever drugs they’d given him at the hospital must still have been taking effect, because he was too tired to protest.

“Do you want a snack?” Lance asked. “Or a drink?”

“No. I just want to sleep.”

“You’re sure you don’t want me to stay?”

“Go home, Lance. You don’t need to look after me.”

“I don’t like the idea of you here all by yourself.”

“I’ve always been by myself, Lance. I'm used to it. You're probably tired anyway.”

“You got me there,” Lance sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Thank god for crappy hospital coffee or else I’d be flat on my face right now.” He chuckled. Keith couldn’t help but feel it was forced.

With some effort, Keith managed to roll onto his side. He looked at the other side of the bed, the spot that had always belonged to Lance when he slept over. Not anymore.

“I'm not going to leave you here alone,” Lance decided, raising his hand to block Keith's protests, “but I definitely need a nap.” He eyed the same spot Keith just had, but he seemed to think better of it, for he asked, “Do you mind if I use your couch?”

“Sure,” Keith said.

“Okay. Holler if you need me.”

“Sleep well, Lance.” Keith felt his face drain as soon as he said it. You weren’t supposed to say things like that to someone who didn’t love you anymore.

Lance looked a little surprised. Then his face morphed to something more neutral. Almost bored. “You too.”

Keith spent his first waking hours moping. He was bored, and wanted to get out of bed, but he was too tired and sore to really do anything. A simple trip to the bathroom was enough to wear him out. Looking at the spread of snacks and drinks Lance had left next to his bed, he was glad he hadn’t forced Lance to leave. But at the same time, having Lance here was driving him insane.

“Keith, you have absolutely no groceries!”

“This is a crummy apartment, Lance, not a five-star hotel. What did you expect?” Keith grumbled. He had to yell for Lance to hear him from the kitchen, and it was taking energy he didn’t have.

“I wasn’t expecting a four-course meal, but come on, you have to have more than Mr. Noodles.”

“Well, I don’t.”

Lance’s head popped around the corner. He looked blankly at Keith in bed, buried in the comfort of what felt like a million blankets and pillows. “Forgive me, your highness,” he deadpanned. “I guess I'm stopping by the store on my way back from work. What are you going to do while I'm gone? I can call Shiro to come stay with you.”

“No, don’t bother Shiro. I'm fine by myself.”

“He’s a med student, I'm sure he'd like the extra practice.”

“Shiro didn’t spend thousands of dollars in tuition fees to watch me hobble around the house eating Mr. Noodles.”

Lance sighed. He sounded tired more than anything. “Alright, but call me if you need anything.”

“I’ll be fine,” Keith repeated for the thousandth time. “Just go, before you're late for work.”

Lance nodded. He looked back at Keith, sadly, as if he were an injured animal. Keith caught his eye and Lance's face hardened. And then he was gone.

Keith didn’t mind Lance complaining about his lack of groceries. What he did mind was having Lance simultaneously taking tender care of him and then hating him for his betrayal. Why was Lance going through all this trouble for him if he hated Keith now? Keith didn’t know where he stood at this point. Maybe Lance was only here out of pity. Keith probably looked pretty pathetic, laid up in bed with only microwavable pasta to eat. But Lance had insisted he stay in bed as much as possible. Keith didn’t want to upset him any more than he already had.

Maybe that was part of it. Upsetting each other. Keith thought about what he’d do if he was in Lance's shoes. Yes, he would be angry. He would be furious, and hurt, and confused. But he couldn’t think that he would ever stop caring about Lance entirely. It just wasn’t possible to not care about someone who you had once loved. Who you still loved. If Lance still loved him then maybe he had a chance. Maybe he wasn’t going to be cast out, just as he had been cast out from his family, from school, even from Shiro after his first year at university. All those times Lance had tilted Keith's chin up, told him not to worry, that he would always love him, that it didn’t matter what his family said, because Lance was his family now—those had all meant something. They still did. Lance was a part of who he was now, and nothing was going to change that, whether Lance ever forgave him or not.

Moping aside, Keith also got in some restless nap time. It was in the middle of one such session that a knock at the front door roused him.

“Hullo?” he asked groggily. “Come in.” He wondered vaguely why Lance would be knocking. Maybe it was to be formal. Formal usually meant broken up. They might really be broken up. Then it occurred to him that whoever was outside might not be Lance.

Keith bolted out of bed so fast his head spun. He crept out of his room and towards the door, wrapped loosely in a blanket. Lance wouldn’t be knocking. Who would? Were tax collectors still a thing? Keith had never seen a tax collector. Maybe it was charity. Charity was good. What wasn’t good was if Keith had been somehow tracked to this apartment. Maybe the guys in the alleyway were really out to get him. For what, Keith had no idea. But they would come in, and beat him up again, or worse, and Lance would come home to find the mess and Keith would feel awful all over again.

He was on the verge of hyperventilating and jumping into a fighting stance when the door swung open gently to show Shiro, standing on the porch. He let himself relax.

Shiro looked him over, a sheepish smile quickly giving way to a grimace. “You don’t look so good. Lance told me what happened, how are you feeling?”

“I feel fine.” Keith scowled, blankets dragging on the floor as he made his way back to the couch.

“Listen, Keith. I'm really sorry. This was all my fault.”

“No, it isn’t. You're not the one who kissed some other dude, are you?”

“What are you talking about?”

Keith raised an eyebrow. “You don’t know?”

Shiro blinked. He shook his head. “I thought Lance was just angry you went without him.”

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Keith said. He pulled his knees to his chest. It hurt his ribs, but he felt safer this way. Shiro wouldn’t see the gaping hole where his heart used to be. No one would see how broken he was.

“Keith, you okay?” Shiro lightly brushed against his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Keith replied. His mouth felt dry. His eyes didn’t. But he wasn’t crying. Not yet.

“You know you can talk to me.”

Keith sighed. What the hell, he figured. If he didn’t tell Shiro, then Lance would.

“I…I messed up, Shiro.”

Shiro sat closer to him, nodding, encouraging. Understanding. For the first time in a long time, Keith caught a glimpse of the Shiro he knew. The Shiro he trusted.

“I'm sorry,” Keith whispered as he began to shake. This was too much. It was all too much. Why had he been so emotional lately? He hated it.

Shiro understood. Somewhere beneath the newfound frat boy attitude, his old self shone through. “Shh,” he murmured. “It’s okay, Keith. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” Keith drew a rattling breath, one that hurt just about every part of him. “Lance might be breaking up with me. I don’t even know for sure because he won’t talk about it. He stays here in my apartment and looks after me, but he won’t talk about us.”

“He just wants you to focus on getting better.”

“How am I supposed to get better when he's making me feel so awful?”

“Tell him that.”

“I can’t.”

“You're going to have to.”

Keith sighed. He didn’t want to think about this anymore. Not with Shiro anyway. “What are you even doing here?” he asked.

“Lance texted me to come check on you.”

“Of course he did,” Keith groaned.

“Well, since I'm here, is there anything I can get you?”

Keith miserably sunk into the couch. “No.”

“Do you want to play checkers or something? You must be bored.”

“Checkers, Shiro? I'm not five.” Keith was, indeed, bored out of his mind, but really all he wanted to do was go back to sleep. His bed seemed even more welcoming than it had before.

“Okay,” Shiro replied.

They sat in silence. Keith shifted restlessly, but each time he moved he only became more uncomfortable.

“I’m really glad you're okay,” Shiro said softly.

Keith glanced at him. “Thanks.”

“I'm sorry I’ve been acting so weird. It’s just…” Shiro huffed, and dragged a hand over his face. “I’m not doing too well in school, and I guess I’ve just been trying to distract myself. But I'm getting it together. Starting with you. I apologize.”

Keith felt his jaw part in awe. Shiro was apologizing? Keith didn’t feel worthy of anyone’s apology. Especially after he’d just told Shiro what an ass he'd been to Lance.

“I mean it,” Shiro pressed.

Keith nodded. “Thank you.”

Lance came home late. Shiro had left hours ago, and Keith was still sitting on the couch. He had picked up a sketchbook and was working away on a detailed picture of the tv remote in front of him. He couldn’t watch tv because of his concussion, so he'd settle for this.

“Hey,” Lance mumbled. He dumped his stuff on the kitchen table.

“Hey.” Keith looked over at him. He was leaned against the table, eyes shut, rubbing the back of his neck and wincing.

“Sleeping on the couch can't be too comfortable,” Keith observed.

Lance gave a sort of half-shrug, half-nod. “Certainly not what I'm used to.”

Keith bit his lip. How was he supposed to say this without it seeming like he was just trying to get on Lance's good side? “You can take the bed tonight. I’ll be fine on the couch.”

Keith was surprised to see that Lance actually looked appreciative. He was not surprised to hear the answer, “No, it’s alright.”

Lance had taken his first advance at reconciliation well, so he decided to try another. “You look like you could use a massage.” Keith grimaced at how awkwardly that had come out. But it was something Lance had often done for him, and it was calming, and Keith could feel the tension coming off of Lance in waves. Lance declined.

“Okay,” Keith said. “I'm gonna head to bed, then. Goodnight.”

Lance didn’t say goodnight back.

The alley was dark. Water dripped from the pipes that ran up the sides of the buildings. Keith looked down at his hands. They were dripping, too—with blood. He looked up. Someone was hunched in the shadows before him, just out of reach. Keith leaned forward to get a better look at the hooded figure. He took a step forward. On the next step he found he couldn’t move his feet, and they stuck uselessly to the pavement as if he were part of a statue. He tried again, but the more he struggled the more stuck he felt, until a suffocating blackness yanked him free and rushed him against a wall. He was pinned there, by enemies he couldn’t see, without hope of escape.

Slowly, in one fluid motion, the figure turned to face him. Its eyes were shrouded with darkness. The only parts of skin visible were the thing’s hands and mouth. They glistened with blood, too. Keith sucked in a breath as it advanced towards him. It paused just before him, and he felt the impending sense of doom, waiting like a roller coaster teetering at the top of a slope. The mouth parted.

Keith jolted awake, gasping for air. He couldn’t breathe, his hair clung to his body in a sheen of sweat, all he could see was a row of perfect, sparkling, pointed teeth. He shuddered, nausea creeping up his throat, seeping into his nose, he couldn’t breathe he couldn’t see he couldn’t think all he knew was there was something evil out there and it had kissed him and it was after him again and Lance was going to be mad Lance already hated him Lance was going to tell him he was stupid and mean and ignorant and uncaring and awful—Keith threw back the covers of his bed and stumbled out, bare feet hitting the ice cold floor, washed in gray moonlight. He managed two steps before crashing against a dresser and tumbling to the floor.

Keith was still shaking, he could tell as he raised a hand to dab at the mess of tears spilling down his face, wondering what the hell he was doing here on the floor. He had to get up, he had to move, had to run, those perfect shining teeth were coming to ruin his life all over again. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t seem to get up, still couldn’t get a proper breath, couldn’t hear anything over the guttural sobbing coming from his mouth, and so he lay, skin exposed to the freezing linoleum. His fingernails found the edges of the floorboards, and he gripped as hard as he could. And he wept. He wept, because of the dream, because of Lance, because he was tired of feeling miserable and sorry for himself, and just tired in general.

The bedroom door creaked open. A pair of feet shuffled in, clad in a pair of fuzzy blue slippers. Keith squinted through the hazy mist of tears and moonlight, eyes following from the slippers, up the legs, chest, and to the face of Lance. It was stuck mid-yawn.

“Lance,” he whimpered. “Lance. Lance, the teeth. His teeth and he kissed me and I love you and I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” Keith sobbed, “I never meant to, I didn’t want to, he had teeth and he kissed me, Lance, he kissed me and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.”

Lance knelt down, tentatively resting a hand on Keith's back. “Hey,” he murmured. “Hey, Keith, hey. What’s going on? Hey, hey, look at me, you're okay. You’re okay, it’s okay.”

Keith looked fearfully into Lance's eyes. There was no anger there, only concern. “Lance,” he croaked.

“Yeah, it’s me. I'm right here. I think you had a bad dream, buddy. Is that what happened? Did you have a bad dream, Keith?”

“Y-Yeah, I- I think so.”

Lance sighed. He sounded relieved. “Let’s get you back in bed. You're okay.”

With Lance’s steady hand on his back, Keith crawled back into bed. He couldn’t make himself stop shaking.

Lance sat on the edge of the bed, eyes downcast. “Do you want me to stay?”

“Don’t go.”

“Yeah, that’s what stay means, silly.” Lance swung his legs up onto the mattress and leaned back. One arm pillowed his head, the other draped over Keith. “Try to sleep,” he murmured.

When Keith leaned into him, eyes shut tight, soaking up Lance's warmth, Lance wasn’t sure what to do. So he didn’t do anything. He held still, felt his arm rise over Keith's chest as he breathed. He soon stopped shaking under Lance's touch, and his eyelids fluttered, lashes brushing against Lance's skin as he drifted off the sleep. Lance wished he could do the same. But now he was torn, inner turmoil wreaking havoc like a tornado through his brain. He should be mad at Keith, right? Keith had betrayed him, for lack of a better word. But Keith was sorry. There was no doubt about that. And Lance knew he shouldn’t be bending over backwards because of apologies alone, and he wasn’t.

Keith needed him, that much was obvious as he clenched his jaw in his sleep and clutched fitfully at Lance's t-shirt. Lance rubbed his back, and murmured to him, and he settled. He'd never even considered the psychological effects getting jumped in an alley would have on Keith. No wonder Keith was being so high-strung and looked like he was about to lash out.

Lance felt like a horrible person. He'd made Keith go out in the dark all alone. He'd left Keith to deal with the aftermath of being attacked all alone. But was that really why he was here now? Because he felt guilty? No. He'd been assuming Keith deserved all of it. But he didn’t, not really. It hurt to see him suffer like this. That brought the question again; why was Lance here? It wasn’t pity. No. it was something deep. A connection. Love.

He still loved Keith. He would probably never stop. It was impossible to just stop caring about someone who you had invested so much time and emotion and feelings into. Even if something had changed, the feelings were still there. Feelings don’t just go away. Lance had never been one to ignore his feelings. He wrapped his other arm around the sleeping Keith and pulled him close.

Keith was still curled around him when Lance woke, his head tucked neatly into the crook of Lance's neck. His breaths were soft and even, starkly different from how Lance had found him last night. He was warm, keeping Lance from feeling the chilly edge of apartment air.

Lance would never know the reason, but he felt a hint of panic when Keith stirred. It was replaced by a softer, easy warmth in his chest when he looked at the way Keith's forehead wrinkled as he yawned, and he felt Keith's fingers curl tighter around him for a moment and then let go. His eyes flicked open lazily, and he blinked a few times, until his eyes found Lance.

A red hue crept onto Keith's face when he noticed Lance was staring at him. He realized he was wrapped around Lance like a human sushi roll, and he quickly disentangled himself.

“Sorry,” he muttered, voice still husky with sleep.

Lance didn’t reply. Instead, he said, “I have the day off today.”

“That’s nice,” Keith said.

“Yeah.” Lance decided not to mention that it was because his boss had heard about Keith's little hospital trip, and insisted that Lance take the time off until Keith was better.

“I'm hungry,” Keith said. “Did you buy groceries?”

Lance sighed, “No. I was tired so I just came back here.” He felt bad about it now, especially since Keith was finally showing some sign of an appetite since the whole ordeal.

“Oh. I guess I’ll go heat up some Mr. Noodles.”

“Hang on. Let me get dressed, and we can go out somewhere and get real breakfast. My treat.”

“Okay.”

When Lance was ready and Keith was bundled up in more layers than was probably necessary, they buckled themselves into Lance's car. Keith didn’t know where they were going, but Lance looked confident behind the wheel so he didn’t ask.

“Keith?”

Keith raised an eyebrow in Lance's direction.

“Who was it? That you—that kissed you?”

Keith bit his lip. This was a story Lance wasn’t going to enjoy hearing.

“I won’t get mad. I just want to know.”

The way he said it was sincere, so Keith told him, “I don’t really know much about him. I only met him that night, and, honestly…I didn’t even get his name.”

Lance frowned.

Keith sighed, “I was kind of freaking out, because I couldn’t find Shiro, and there were too many people, and then I ended up pretty much alone in the basement with this guy. He was kind of weirding me out at first, but he was nice, and I don’t know, we just talked. And had a couple drinks. I don’t know,” Keith repeated. He felt awful talking about it, but Lance deserved to know. “He just sort of leaned in, and…kissed me. And I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. It was like I was paralyzed. And when he pulled away, I guess I came to, I don’t know, but I told him…I told him it wasn’t right, I told him…I told him I had you. And that was all I needed. I got out of there right away.”

Lance was quiet, which was unusual for him. Keith stared down at his hands. He didn’t even look up when the car came to a stop.

“Hey. Earth to Keith. You still hungry?” Lance asked softly.

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” Keith mumbled. He hadn’t really been eating enough lately.

Lance waited patiently for Keith to extract himself from the car, and walked by his side through the parking lot. Keith thought about taking his hand, but then decided it probably wasn’t a good idea.

He hadn’t been paying attention to where he was when he stepped out of the car, just following Lance. Only after walking past the large yellow M above the doorway and smelling the aroma of fry grease did he realize Lance had driven them to McDonald’s. Keith couldn’t help but notice how the other people waiting in line were giving him strange looks. They were probably concerned about his face, he figured, he still looked pretty beat up. Normally he wouldn’t be bothered but today he just felt so out of place he wanted to curl up and be a hermit the rest of his life.

Lance had noticed. “Why don’t you go grab us a seat,” he suggested gently, “and I’ll order us hash browns or something.”

Keith nodded. He liked hash browns. He was glad the breakfast menu was available all day; the analogue clock on the wall said it was more like lunch.

He picked a little table in the corner, away from the people, save for a sweet-looking old couple a few seats down. Keith sat and waited for Lance, busying himself with flicking some stray crumbs off the table.

“Hey.”

Keith looked up, expecting to see Lance, but he was met with a blinding smile and a swish of long ash-blond hair.

“You,” he stammered out, “w-what are you doing here?”

A shrug. “I guess I just like the company.”

“You need to leave.” Keith's voice was low. Dangerous.

He was ignored. “Man, what happened to you? Such a pretty face, all covered in bruises.”

Keith felt a snarl crawl up his throat. “Leave. Now.”

“Aw, come on. Listen, I just want to apologize. I was drunk, and impulsive,” he got closer with each word, “and what can I say, I'm weak for something so beautiful.”

No. This was not okay. Nothing about this was anything even resembling okay.

“Get away from me. You’ve ruined my life already, so just leave me alone.” Keith saw something move out of the corner of his eye. Lance.

“Hey, babe,” Lance said with fake cheer, sensing that something was up. He sauntered over with a tray of breakfast food. “Who’s this?”

“Someone who was just leaving,” Keith growled. Lance frowned.

“Damn, you said you had a boyfriend, but you never said he was this hot.”

That was when Keith snapped. Injuries and etiquette be damned, he was going to flatten this guy. Hands balled into fists, he lunged forward.

Lance beat him to it. The tray toppled to the floor, and the guy went flying over the nearest table with a crash of chairs. He didn’t get up. The old couple stared with mouths agape. Lance gracefully picked up the tray and stray food, as if nothing had happened. He led Keith out of the McDonald’s.

Keith couldn’t keep up with him, he was walking too fast. But Lance stopped in the middle of the parking lot, still gripping the tray. He picked up a hash brown and bit into it fiercely.

“That was him,” Keith explained solemnly.

“Yeah,” Lance said, oddly focused on eating his hash brown despite it having fallen on the floor. “I know. I knew the second I saw him.”

They went grocery shopping after that. Lance didn’t speak other than to ask about milk, “two percent or one?” Keith answered two, so they bought two. When they got back to Keith's apartment, Lance insisted on spending the rest of the afternoon preparing a “proper dinner. No more Mr. Noodles.” He refused to let Keith help, insisting that he go to bed and rest. Keith didn’t protest. He was exhausted.

It was hours later, from a deep and dreamless sleep, that Lance came to wake him.

“Hey, sleepyhead. You hungry?”

“Mflmsflrem,” Keith mumbled.

“What?”

Keith groaned and tried to wake himself up. He was pretty sure he could hear his bones creak.

“I see how it is,” Lance said, “you think I'm a terrible cook.” There was a small smirk on his face.

“I like your cooking,” Keith protested, doing his best to sit up, “I'm just stiff. S’hard to get up.”

Lance frowned and sat on the edge of the bed. “What hurts?”

Keith didn’t answer.

“Come on,” Lance sighed, “don’t be like that.”

Keith sighed. “Shoulders,” he shrugged a little, “ribs.”

Lance bit his lip and reached out a hand. “Can I?”

Keith didn’t say no, so Lance gently set his hands on his shoulders and prodded at the tense muscles.

“Gee,” he said. “You must be sore.”

“You don’t need to tell me,” Keith muttered, though his voice lost all its edge as Lance began to rub the ache from his shoulders.

“Better?” Lance asked after a minute.

“Better,” Keith nodded.

“Alright. Let’s eat.”

Dinner was nothing short of fantastic. Lance had outdone himself with an array of what could only be described as comfort food, taste fit for a king, with enough carbs to fuel a full-grown moose running a marathon.

“This is good,” Keith told him. “Like, really good.”

“Thanks,” Lance grinned. Then he chuckled.

“What?” Keith frowned.

“Don’t pout,” Lance was still laughing, “you just, you got a little something.”

Keith just pouted more and grabbed a napkin.

It was after dinner, curled up on the couch, that Keith felt fatigue take over his body once more. He stifled a yawn and raised his head to ask Lance what time it was.

“No clue,” Lance said, masking a yawn of his own, “but I'm tired.”

“Me too,” Keith said. “I'm going to bed. You…you, um, don’t have to sleep on the couch. If you don’t want to. You can sleep in the bed…with me…if you want.”

The corner of Lance's mouth quirked up in what could almost be called a smile. “I’ll be there in a couple minutes,” he said.

Keith got up from the couch and gingerly stretched his arms. He trudged off to get cleaned up and into bed, thinking he would wait up for Lance, but once he was nestled under the covers, the gravity of sleep pulled his eyelids over his eyes, and he was dragged down with them.

The early hours of the morning replaced the dark peace of sleep with restless waking. Keith shifted uncomfortably and tried to force himself back asleep, but napping for so long earlier had given him no reason for more rest.

Lance was next to him, he realized after a moment, not touching him but close enough to radiate warmth. Curled up on the other side of the bed, wearing an old t-shirt of Keith’s, his small frame rising unevenly under the fabric. Lance wasn’t sleeping either.

“Lance?” Keith ventured tentatively.

“Yeah?”

“I…I can't sleep.”

Lance sighed. “Me either.”

“What are you thinking about?”

Keith felt Lance's eyes on him, and he turned his head to meet them.

“You,” Lance said.

“Me?”

Lance nodded. “Honestly, you're all I can think about. The past few days have been hell. It’s not the same without you by my side, Keith. I...I’m not happy. I'm tired, and grumpy, and I miss you. I overreacted to this whole thing.”

“You didn’t overreact,” Keith said quietly.

“Fine, I wrong-reacted, then. Either way, I ruined everything, and now I'm just running around pretending I'm okay, because if anyone knew…if they knew, that on top of everything else, I screwed this up, too…” Lance roughly turned to face the wall. His voice was muffled in the blankets, but Keith was pretty sure he was crying. “All I ever do is make mistakes. And this just proves it. I've lost you. And now I don’t know what to do. I'm sorry, Keith. I'm sorry.”

“Lance,” Keith tugged at his arm, “hey. Come on,” he said softly. “Look at me.”

Lance sniffed and let Keith pull him to his other side. He shut his eyes and bit down on his lip. He heard Keith sigh, and then there was a hand, small and warm, rubbing his arm, and a voice, soft and safe, whispering it’ll be okay.

“You didn’t…you didn’t lose me,” Keith mumbled after a moment. “I still love you.”

Lance looked up at him with wide eyes. “I love you, too. Always. I don’t want this to be the end. I want us to work.”

“Me too,” Keith blinked, slow and sure.

“Does that mean we can…we can be us, again?” Lance asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” Keith smiled, “I think it does.”